Конфликт интересов

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В ПРОГРАММЕ СОДЕРЖИТСЯ ГРЯЗНАЯ РУГАНЬ

НЕ РЕКОМЕНДУЕТСЯ К ПРОСМОТРУ НИКОМУ

00:00:11,950 --> 00:00:13,210

Соберу я свой рюкзак

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и поеду в Саус Парк.

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Дружелюбный здесь народ,

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благочестие цветёт.

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В Саус Парк ты приезжаешь

00:00:19,910 --> 00:00:21,670

и печали забываешь.

00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,590

Стоит только выйти в свет,

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все кричат: «Привет, сосед!»

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В Саус Парке не печалься,

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отдыхай и расслабляйся.

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В Саус Парке ждут тебя

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мои верные друзья.

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ЮЖНЫЙ ПАРК

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НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА

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СТРАТЕГИЧЕСКИЙ КОНСУЛЬТАНТ

ПРОГНОЗИРОВАНИЯ РЫНКА

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ПОЗВОНИТЬ НАМ

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КОМИССИЯ ПО ТОРГОВЛЕ ТОВАРНЫМИ ФЬЮЧЕРСАМИ

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ФЕДЕРАЛЬНАЯ КОМИССИЯ ПО СВЯЗИ

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БРЕНДАН КАРР

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КАФЕ «МОНЕ»

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КУХНЯ БЕЛОГО ДОМА

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«ПРОСТОЙ ПЛАН Б»

ЭКСТРЕННАЯ КОНТРАЦЕПЦИЯ

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ДЛЯ МАЛЫША

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ПРИЧИНА ТОКСОПЛАЗМОЗА: КОШАЧЬИ ФЕКАЛИИ

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НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА

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АЛЬ-ДЖАЗИРА

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(Говорит на арабском)

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СПЕЦИАЛЬНЫЙ КОНСУЛЬТАНТ ИЗРАИЛЯ

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БОЛЬНИЦА ВАШИНГТОНА, ОКРУГ КОЛУМБИЯ

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НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА

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В ПРОГРАММЕ СОДЕРЖИТСЯ ГРЯЗНАЯ РУГАНЬ

НЕ РЕКОМЕНДУЕТСЯ К ПРОСМОТРУ НИКОМУ

00:00:11,950 --> 00:00:13,210

Соберу я свой рюкзак

00:00:13,290 --> 00:00:15,150

и поеду в Саус Парк.

00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:16,920

Дружелюбный здесь народ,

00:00:16,970 --> 00:00:18,550

благочестие цветёт.

00:00:18,660 --> 00:00:19,820

В Саус Парк ты приезжаешь

00:00:19,910 --> 00:00:21,670

и печали забываешь.

00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,590

Стоит только выйти в свет,

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все кричат: «Привет, сосед!»

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В Саус Парке не печалься,

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отдыхай и расслабляйся.

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В Саус Парке ждут тебя

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мои верные друзья.

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ЮЖНЫЙ ПАРК

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НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА

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Так, дети, садитесь на свои места.

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Перед началом урока мы послушаем гостя.

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Прошу вас внимательно выслушать Киплинга.

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Благодарю, сэр. Всем привет!

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Меня зовут Киплинг.

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Я из «Будущих Верных Скаутов».

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Пришёл рассказать вам о том,

как можно вступить в БВС.

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Это чел или баба?

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Заткнись.

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Уверен, кто-то из вас был скаутом.

БВС — это следующая ступень.

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Для пятых и шестых классов.

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- Пацаны, это чел или баба?

- Это баба.

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- Да не, это чувак, бро.

- Точно пацан.

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...присоединиться.

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Знаю, о чём вы думаете: «БВС же только для мальчиков!»

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Но теперь они берут и девочек.

Я вот например, как... БВС,

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могу сказать, что в нашем сообществе хорошо всем.

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Хз, я процентов на шестьдесят уверен, что это чел.

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Я ставлю, что девчонка. Какие ставки?

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Сорок учеников ставят: 55% на то, что БВС чел.

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Я выиграю только пять баксов со ставки в два?

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Вы о чём вообще?

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Приложуха такая есть, онлайн P2P-ставки.

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Типа соцсеть для ставок.

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Делаешь любую ставку, и её принимают.

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Реально?

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Крутая тема, чел.

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На всё подряд ставят, про школу тоже.

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«Победят ли девчонки в футбол в пятницу?»

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«Пойдёт ли скоро снег?»

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«Ударит ли мать Кайла по Газе

и уничтожит больницу?»

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«Попадут ли в школе драники?»

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Стоп, чё там было?!

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Попадут ли в школе драники.

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Блин, про мою маму!

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Ударит ли мать Кайла по Газе

и уничтожит палестинскую больницу.

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С хера моей маме бить по палестинской больнице?!

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Потому что она еврейка.

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Мальчики, уберите их.

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Вы знаете правила —

никаких телефонов во время учёбы.

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Прости, Иисус!

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Никаких телефонов!

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Быстро убери эту хрень, жирдяй!

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Это не я сделал, Кайл.

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Я даже не участвую: кэф девять к одному,

что твоя мать не ударит, — отстой.

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Это же полная дичь!

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Я выясню, кто сделал ставку

и прорву ему второе очко!

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Упоминаешь при еврее Газу, и он взрывается.

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А может кэф и ничего.

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Вы смотрите Fox News!

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Приложения прогнозирования рынка —

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спорные онлайн ставки, которые нашли

дыру в законе об азартных играх.

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Конечно, самая популярная ставка в них:

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кто родится у Президента Трампа

и Сатаны — мальчик или девочка?

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Да уж, в этих приложениях

творится чистое безумие.

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В Kalshi 54% ставят на мальчика.

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А на Polymarket почти 60% ставят на то,

что демонический задёныш будет девочкой.

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Здрасьте, босс. Ещё один подарочек ребёнку.

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Ещё один подарок ребёнку?

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А мне подарок?!

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Все так рады вашему ребёнку, босс!

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Наверное, вы тоже очень рады!

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Ага, ну да, очень рад.

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Только вот ваша жизнь полностью поменяется.

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В смысле?

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Ну, когда ребёночек родится,

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нужно будет уделять ему всё ваше время.

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Никаких больше банкетов в Розовом саду.

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Никаких бейсбольных матчей,

никаких путешествий.

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И никаких вечеринок до утра в Мар-а-Лаго.

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Приветики, Сатана!

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Хочешь запрыгнуть в джакузи

и выкурить сигаретку?

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Джакузи и сигареты очень вредны для малыша.

00:04:19,590 --> 00:04:21,210

Я знаю, всё равно пошли!

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Ты что, хочешь избавиться от ребёнка?

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Вряд ли твои поклонники

обрадуются, если мы сделаем аборт.

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Да расслабься, парень!

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Не хочу я от него избавляться.

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Хорошо, потому что этому не бывать.

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Круто!

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Джимми!

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Привет, Кайл.

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Это что за хрень?

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Приложение прогнозов рынка.

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Ты поставил, на то, что моя мама будет бомбить Газу?!

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Ну да, поставил чутка.

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Это маловероятно,

но я предпочитаю ставить на лонгшоты.

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Нахера ставить на такое?!

Вопрос Израиля и Газы — серьёзное дело!

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Знаю, Кайл. Я вчера пошутил

про Газу на созвоне, и никто не смеялся.

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Видимо, никому это не смешно.

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Чудесная была публика.

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Вы охренели? Вы знаете вообще, где Газа?

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Вы думаете только о паре баксов?!

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Знаете, что сделает моя мама,

если узнает? С катушек слетит!

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В Израиле конфликты уже тысячи лет!

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Евреи и палестинцы не футбольные

команды, на которые можно ставить!

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- Народ, телефоны!

- Прости, Иисус!

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Если ты думаешь, что так нельзя,

просто обратись в компанию.

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А можно?

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Конечно. Эти приложухи — не проходная пустышка.

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Ими управляют настоящие

стратегические консультанты.

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СТРАТЕГИЧЕСКИЙ КОНСУЛЬТАНТ

ПРОГНОЗИРОВАНИЯ РЫНКА

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Алло?

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Это «стратегический консультант

прогнозирования рынка»?

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Да, всё верно.

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В одном из ваших приложений

оскорбительная ставка, её надо удалить!

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Все ставки у нас регулирует КТТФ.

Обратитесь лучше туда.

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Что за КТТФ?

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Это Комиссия по торговле товарными фьючерсами.

00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:23,870

Это госорганизация.

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Они одобряют ставки

и разбираются с разночтениями.

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Ладно! Позвоню в КТТФ.

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Какой тупизм.

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Комиссия по торговле... Нашёл!

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ПОЗВОНИТЬ НАМ

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КОМИССИЯ ПО ТОРГОВЛЕ ТОВАРНЫМИ ФЬЮЧЕРСАМИ

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Алло?

00:06:44,410 --> 00:06:47,780

У вас в приложении

оскорбительная для евреев ставка.

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Да, понимаю, ситуация ужасная.

Касаемо оскорблений лучше обратиться в ФКС.

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В ФКС?

00:06:55,620 --> 00:06:59,500

Да, они теперь занимаются

такими штуками. Я вас соединю.

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ФЕДЕРАЛЬНАЯ КОМИССИЯ ПО СВЯЗИ

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БРЕНДАН КАРР

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Алло?

00:07:12,270 --> 00:07:13,890

Да это же один чёртов мужик!

00:07:14,270 --> 00:07:14,940

Кто это?

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Ну как бы в приложении, которое типа регулирует

правительство, оскорбительная ставка.

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А я как бы стратегический консультант.

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Оскорбительное приложение?

00:07:24,190 --> 00:07:26,440

Я обращусь напрямую к Президенту!

00:07:44,150 --> 00:07:45,390

Эй, Сатана!

00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:49,540

Эй, Сатана!

00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,420

Спустись-ка вниз?

00:07:54,370 --> 00:07:55,400

Чего тебе?

00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,680

Просто спустись ко мне.

00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:58,930

И зачем?

00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:00,460

На минуточку!

00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:03,360

Вот вы где, господин Президент! Есть разговор.

00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,280

Нет, нет, нет, Брендан Карр! Нет!

00:08:11,980 --> 00:08:14,460

У мужика из ФКС хилые лодыжки!

00:08:21,860 --> 00:08:22,760

Пацаны! Пацаны!

00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,040

Видали чё в приложухе?

00:08:25,270 --> 00:08:25,780

Нет.

00:08:25,910 --> 00:08:29,780

С тех пора как Кайл выбесился,

кэф у ставки про его мамку вырос!

00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,560

- Серьёзно?

- На, зацени!

00:08:31,690 --> 00:08:34,140

17% за то, что она это сделает.

00:08:34,190 --> 00:08:35,820

Надо нам тоже ставить.

00:08:36,110 --> 00:08:38,350

Мама Кайла не будет бомбить Газу.

00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:40,440

Вот именно, мы-то это знаем.

00:08:40,580 --> 00:08:44,140

Мы можем влиять на Кайла,

чтобы кэф ещё больше вырос.

00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,280

Называется конфликт интересов, лёгкие деньги!

00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:48,440

Это ж незаконно.

00:08:48,550 --> 00:08:51,100

Да! Надо просто продолжать злить Кайла

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и пороть антисемитскую херню

про его мамку. И кэф вырастет ещё!

00:08:55,810 --> 00:08:56,590

О чём говорите?

00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,700

Да о том, какой это бред, что все достают евреев.

00:09:00,010 --> 00:09:02,090

- Ты думаешь, это бред?

- Да, Кайл.

00:09:02,380 --> 00:09:05,500

Почему вообще дали такую

ставку сделать? Оскорбительно.

00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:07,440

Да, я то же самое думаю!

00:09:07,690 --> 00:09:08,990

Чувак, лучше забей.

00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,520

Слышал его? «Забей»!

00:09:10,570 --> 00:09:13,920

Просит тебя забить на кризис,

который ему не понять.

00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:15,600

Да! Именно!

00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:16,790

Не сдавайся, Кайл.

00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:19,100

Не круто, что люди думают так про твою маму.

00:09:19,220 --> 00:09:21,890

Если ты ей не поможешь, то кто тогда?

00:09:25,890 --> 00:09:27,480

Слыхали про маму Кайла?

00:09:28,910 --> 00:09:31,820

Чёрт, как же эта сука ненавидит Палестину.

00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:35,760

Был бы я палестинской больницей, я бы трясся.

00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:37,580

Ну, рад был поболтать.

00:09:37,850 --> 00:09:40,480

Пацаны, слыхали чё мама Кайла творит?

00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,170

КАФЕ «МОНЕ»

00:09:47,730 --> 00:09:52,200

Боже мой, у детей каких только

приложений сейчас нет!

00:09:52,790 --> 00:09:54,540

За ними уже не уследишь!

00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,340

Кайл мне каждый день показывает

какое-то новое приложение.

00:09:58,420 --> 00:10:00,640

Я говорю: «Они же стоят денег, Кайл.

00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,760

Потом они берут ещё и ещё. Где столько денег взять?»

00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:07,710

Знаете, было бы здорово, если бы

можно было через них зарабатывать.

00:10:08,130 --> 00:10:10,100

Да, было бы просто супер!

00:10:10,570 --> 00:10:12,580

Ага, замечательно просто.

00:10:13,770 --> 00:10:19,080

Кстати, Шейла, что ты думаешь о том,

что сейчас происходит в Газе?

00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:23,420

Чего?

00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:26,780

Ну да, нам очень интересны твои ощущения.

00:10:26,970 --> 00:10:28,820

Как сильно тебя это злит?

00:10:30,090 --> 00:10:33,920

Я думаю, это настоящий ужас!

Столько людей погибает!

00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:34,990

Да-да!

00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,580

А ты как думаешь,

ты будешь что-то с этим делать?

00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:40,480

А что я могу сделать?

00:10:40,630 --> 00:10:44,580

Наверное, ничего, да? Ничего не будешь делать.

00:10:44,650 --> 00:10:49,780

Хочешь сказать, что евреи в Америке

просто обязаны что-то с этим сделать да?

00:10:50,790 --> 00:10:53,060

Хочешь мою религию грязью полить?

00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:54,280

Шейла, успокойся.

00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:58,310

Это не евреи против Палестины,

а Израиль против Палестины!

00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,250

Опять началось про Палестину.

00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:05,760

Если бы вы книги читали, а не голливудских

актёров слушали, то знали бы разницу!

00:11:09,050 --> 00:11:10,300

И на что вы ставите?

00:11:10,450 --> 00:11:14,120

Эта ставка конечно полный бред,

но она сильно взбесилась.

00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:17,040

Поставим на то, что ничего

не будет, много не поднимем.

00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:20,560

Да, давайте ставить

на маловероятное, так веселее.

00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:21,360

- Да!

- Да!

00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:29,140

КУХНЯ БЕЛОГО ДОМА

00:11:41,050 --> 00:11:43,620

«ПРОСТОЙ ПЛАН Б»

ЭКСТРЕННАЯ КОНТРАЦЕПЦИЯ

00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:59,690

Приветики, Сатана!

00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:03,990

Я сварил тебе супчик!

00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,680

Я не люблю морковку.

00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,210

Расслабься, парень!

00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:13,640

Морковка полезная.

00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,590

Да не хочу я морковку!

00:12:16,030 --> 00:12:18,340

Я заказал чизкейк на DoorDash.

00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:21,120

Господин Президент, нам нужно поговорить.

00:12:21,130 --> 00:12:23,780

Не сейчас, Брендан Карр. Сатана не ест морковь!

00:12:23,850 --> 00:12:27,560

Зря, Сатана, ты же теперь

ешь за двоих. Морковь полезная, да.

00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,820

Нет, Брендан Карр, не ешь!

00:12:30,190 --> 00:12:32,600

Ого, это самый вкусный суп в моей...

00:12:34,490 --> 00:12:35,220

Боже мой!

00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:51,760

Морковь, наверно, из Erewhon.

00:12:55,910 --> 00:12:58,840

Везде, где я была сегодня, одно и то же!

00:12:59,010 --> 00:13:01,280

«Что ты будешь делать с Газой?»

00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:05,400

Как будто евреи в Америке имеют

хоть какое-то влияние на Израиль!

00:13:05,510 --> 00:13:08,700

С чего все начали нас спрашивать про политику?

00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:12,460

Вот тебя спрашивали твоё мнение о Газе, Джеральд?

00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:16,060

Нет, почему-то все спрашивали,

что ты об этом думаешь.

00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,840

Видите?! Это чистой воды антисемитизм!

00:13:18,950 --> 00:13:24,020

Как меня все достали вопросами

про Палестину или про ХАМАС!

00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:29,040

Они судят обо мне, исходя из того, что длится

веками, и о чем неевреи ни черта не знают!

00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:31,320

Раз они думают, что мы обязаны что-то сделать...

00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:33,100

- Прекрати!

- Дождутся, я сделаю!

00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,780

Мне кажется, что нам,

евреям, пока лучше не светиться.

00:13:37,330 --> 00:13:40,000

Вот! Теперь и мой сын решил смириться!

00:13:40,140 --> 00:13:43,500

В этом еврейском доме

терпеть такое больше не будут!

00:13:43,570 --> 00:13:45,560

Ма, прошу, только не делай хуже!

00:13:45,630 --> 00:13:48,440

Хуже?! Скажи, куда же ещё хуже?!

00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:54,580

Я узнаю, откуда это всё началось,

и выскажу им своё мнение, мало не покажется!

00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:57,000

Нет, мам!

00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,300

ДЛЯ МАЛЫША

00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:06,740

Смотрите, босс! Ещё один подарок для малыша!

00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:10,520

Опять ребёнку подарок? Класс!

00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:12,480

Какая прелесть, босс!

00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:16,720

Только осторожно, коты могут

быть опасны для беременных.

00:14:18,310 --> 00:14:19,760

Опасны для беременных?

00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:23,540

Ну да, босс. Есть такой паразит, токсоплазма.

00:14:23,620 --> 00:14:27,760

Люди могут им заразиться от кошек.

Он вызывает осложнения беременности.

00:14:27,790 --> 00:14:28,650

ПРИЧИНА ТОКСОПЛАЗМОЗА: КОШАЧЬИ ФЕКАЛИИ

00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,290

Токсоплазмоз?

00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,980

Эй, Сатана!

00:15:00,790 --> 00:15:03,240

Сатана, иди сюда и посмотри. Так здорово!

00:15:05,050 --> 00:15:05,680

Что?

00:15:07,310 --> 00:15:09,060

Я думал, ты спишь в комнате!

00:15:09,310 --> 00:15:11,560

Нет, я ходил делать УЗИ.

00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:13,480

Невероятно, ты даже не появился!

00:15:13,540 --> 00:15:16,220

У меня чувство, что тебе плевать на ребёнка!

00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,520

Расслабься, парень, конечно

мне не плевать на ребёнка!

00:15:20,890 --> 00:15:22,500

Господин Президент, мне лучше...

00:15:22,550 --> 00:15:24,800

О, нет! Хренов Брендан Карр!

00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,860

НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА

00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,400

Пацаны! Пацаны, получилось.

00:15:44,730 --> 00:15:45,460

О чём ты?

00:15:45,590 --> 00:15:49,900

Я столько наболтал про евреев,

что кэф поднялся до девяносто пяти!

00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:50,760

Охренеть!

00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,120

Ага, зацените.

00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:55,460

Поставил тысячу четыреста

вчера и зафиксировал.

00:15:55,570 --> 00:15:56,880

Где ты деньги взял?

00:15:57,170 --> 00:16:01,580

Взял мамину карту, внёс данные

в приложение и поставил все деньги.

00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:02,470

Круто.

00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,020

Она же разозлится.

00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:07,320

Да нифига, я ж подниму четырнадцать штук!

00:16:07,390 --> 00:16:10,760

Вложение супернадёжное. Что может пойти не так?

00:16:10,810 --> 00:16:12,480

Эй, народ! Народ!

00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:14,180

Вы новости смотрели?

00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:15,880

Мама Кайла в Израиле!

00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:20,390

- Реально? Обалдеть!

- Я только что поставил!

00:16:29,370 --> 00:16:30,440

АЛЬ-ДЖАЗИРА

00:16:30,950 --> 00:16:39,360

(Говорит на арабском)

00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:42,880

Чел, твоя мать в Израиле!

00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:44,180

Я знаю.

00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:46,560

Так позвони и угомони свою мать!

00:16:46,670 --> 00:16:49,270

Я уже пытался, у неё там нет связи.

00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:51,350

Кайл, не время давать слабину!

00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,580

Что бы она не задумала,

это только подогреет антисемитизм!

00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:57,360

Да, ты прав.

00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,620

Я охренеть как прав!

00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:01,280

Тебе надо опередить маму и успокоить её!

00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:03,200

Звони в Израильское правительство!

00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:04,900

И как я туда позвоню?

00:17:05,010 --> 00:17:07,020

Звони послу, звони в посольство!

00:17:07,230 --> 00:17:09,680

Любому, кто работает на Израиль!

00:17:10,450 --> 00:17:15,000

СПЕЦИАЛЬНЫЙ КОНСУЛЬТАНТ ИЗРАИЛЯ

00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:16,530

Алло.

00:17:17,390 --> 00:17:19,040

Да вы нафиг издеваетесь!

00:17:19,130 --> 00:17:19,570

Чё?

00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:22,330

Это стратегический консультант этих приложений!

00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,620

Пусть ставку удалит!

00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:24,300

Чё?

00:17:24,570 --> 00:17:25,600

Заставь его, Кайл.

00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:27,940

Она антисемитская, борись за свои права!

00:17:29,210 --> 00:17:32,570

Я уже звонил по поводу

оскорбительной ставки. Уберите её быстро!

00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:33,400

Вот так!

00:17:33,770 --> 00:17:38,100

Точно, ваша жалоба уже

обрабатывается главой ФКС.

00:17:38,230 --> 00:17:41,040

Хер ли глава ФКС делает? Чем он занят?

00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,980

БОЛЬНИЦА ВАШИНГТОНА, ОКРУГ КОЛУМБИЯ

00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,600

Мистер Карр! Мистер Карр, вы меня слышите?

00:17:54,090 --> 00:17:56,880

Мы верно понимаем, вы глава ФКС?

00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:05,320

Мне очень жаль, но у вас токсоплазмоз

из-за контакта с кошачьим помётом.

00:18:08,010 --> 00:18:10,140

Вам нужно отдыхать, не шевелитесь.

00:18:12,330 --> 00:18:15,140

Скажите, глава ФКС поправится, доктор?

00:18:15,990 --> 00:18:19,160

Его кости срастаются,

диапазон движений придёт в норму.

00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:23,420

Но, если токсоплазмоз доберётся до его мозга,

00:18:23,730 --> 00:18:26,080

боюсь, он потеряет свободу слова.

00:18:26,490 --> 00:18:28,630

О, нет!

00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:30,760

Мы сделаем всё возможное.

00:18:39,190 --> 00:18:43,160

Мистер Карр, почему вы срываете мои планы?

00:18:44,650 --> 00:18:48,620

Я так старался убедить

босса избавиться от ребёнка.

00:18:50,590 --> 00:18:52,780

Я следующий в очереди на президентство.

00:18:53,150 --> 00:18:55,060

Этот ребёнок не должен родиться.

00:18:55,320 --> 00:19:00,860

Если вы продолжите вмешиваться,

я сделаю вашу жизнь очень трудной.

00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:09,040

Мы можем сделать всё

по-хорошему, а можем по-плохому.

00:19:22,810 --> 00:19:23,900

Алло?

00:19:24,310 --> 00:19:28,500

Попали ли Вы в кабинет Президента? Да, всё верно.

00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:33,340

У меня тут молодой человек говорит,

что одна ставка оскорбляет евреев.

00:19:33,570 --> 00:19:35,180

Да уж, дело плохо.

00:19:35,390 --> 00:19:37,040

Да, очень-очень плохо.

00:19:37,130 --> 00:19:40,300

Президента нет на месте,

но я специальный консультант.

00:19:40,410 --> 00:19:42,620

Думаю, что смогу убрать эту ставку.

00:19:43,170 --> 00:19:45,310

Я тоже специальный консультант.

00:19:45,330 --> 00:19:46,940

Да неужели? Как здорово!

00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:49,100

Отправите мне на почту эту ставку?

00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:50,850

Да, я уже отправляю.

00:19:50,950 --> 00:19:52,170

Да, всё, увидел.

00:19:52,220 --> 00:19:54,394

Осталось получить одобрение компании,

00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,780

которая финансирует приложение,

раз деньги надо вернуть.

00:19:57,790 --> 00:20:00,400

Спасибо вам, я проинформирую евреев.

00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,740

НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА

00:20:05,110 --> 00:20:06,560

Что за фигня?

00:20:07,230 --> 00:20:08,520

Они её удалили!

00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,860

Мы бы выиграли, а они вернули ставки!

00:20:13,190 --> 00:20:15,080

Как компания могла так поступить?

00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:18,420

Кэф был девять к одному! Хрень полная!

00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,520

Эти приложухи — чистый обман!

00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:23,860

Народ! Ради всего святого!

00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:30,320

Картман, хочу сказать тебе... спасибо.

00:20:31,070 --> 00:20:35,800

Звучит как бред, но всем остальным

было плевать на мои чувства, кроме тебя.

00:20:36,130 --> 00:20:37,660

Я всё понимаю, Кайл.

00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,920

Я очень рад, что ставку удалили.

00:20:40,150 --> 00:20:43,120

Нечего этим мразям на твоей маме зарабатывать.

00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,980

Только они бы всё равно проиграли.

00:20:47,870 --> 00:20:49,900

В смысле, они бы проиграли?

00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:52,520

Я знаю, зачем мама поехала в Израиль.

00:20:53,870 --> 00:20:55,820

Не бомбить палестинскую больницу?

00:20:55,920 --> 00:21:01,260

Нет, она хотела узнать, кто всё это

начал, и высказать им своё мнение.

00:21:11,590 --> 00:21:13,800

Не смейте так со мной разговаривать!

00:21:13,910 --> 00:21:18,200

Я ужасно зла и я не уйду отсюда,

пока меня не выслушают!

00:21:19,190 --> 00:21:22,220

Ах, вот вы где, господин Нетаньяху!

00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:24,410

Кем это вы себя возомнили?

00:21:24,630 --> 00:21:26,980

Убиваете тысячи, уничтожаете целые районы!

00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:31,180

А потом прикрываетесь иудаизмом,

как будто это щит от критики!

00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:35,750

Из-за вас жизнь евреев стала невыносимой,

а быть евреем в Америке стало невозможно!

00:21:36,390 --> 00:21:38,620

И нечего глаза на меня выкатывать!

00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:42,180

Я знаю, чего вы добиваетесь, вы это всё специально!

00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:46,430

Ага, устройтесь в кресле

поудобней, я никуда не уйду, сволочь!

00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:50,868

Я не пропустила ни одного собрания

родительского комитета или школьного совета!

00:21:50,870 --> 00:21:51,970

Я могу так весь день!

00:21:54,070 --> 00:21:59,100

Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,490

♪ I'm goin' down

to South Park ♪

00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:15,449

♪ Gonna have myself a time

00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:16,929

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:18,844

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:20,063

♪ I'm goin' down

to South Park ♪

00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,933

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,719

♪ Ample parking day

or night ♪

00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:25,503

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor" ♪

00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:26,722

♪ I'm headin' on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,854

♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,336

♪ Come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,165

♪ And meet some friends

of mine ♪

00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:44,957

OK, kids,

let's take our seats.

00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,873

Before we get started,

we have a guest speaker today.

00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,529

Please give your undivided

attention to Kipling.

00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:53,530

Thank you, sir.

Hey. What's up, guys?

00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:54,663

My name's Kipling.

00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,403

I'm with the Webelos

of America.

00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:58,580

I want to talk you guys about

the exciting opportunity

00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:00,364

to join the Webelos.

00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,671

- Is that a chick or a dude?

- Shut up.

00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:04,280

I'm sure some of you were in

Scouts before.

00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,240

Webelos are an extension

of Scouts,

00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:08,111

specifically for fifth

and sixth graders.

00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:09,546

You guys, is that a chick

or a dude?

00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,767

- It's a chick.

- Nah, that's a dude, bro.

00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,550

...part of it as well.

00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,336

Now, I know what y'all

might be thinking--

00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,338

Webelos used to be

only for boys.

00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:19,166

Well, now

they also allow girls,

00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,732

and I myself, as a...

00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:23,387

Webelo,

can tell you

00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:26,260

it's a great organization

for everyone.

00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:30,567

I don't know, guys,

I'm like 60% sure

00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:31,787

that was a fucking dude.

00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,354

I'm definitely betting

it's a chick.

00:01:33,484 --> 00:01:34,616

What are the odds at?

00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:36,052

Looks like about

40 kids betting now,

00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:38,489

55% saying the Webelo

is a dude.

00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,622

So I'd only win, like,

five bucks on a $2 bet?

00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:42,014

What are you guys

talking about?

00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,580

Prediction market app, dude.

00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:45,496

You know,

online peer to peer betting.

00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:46,802

Yeah, it's social platform

betting.

00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:48,019

People can make any bet

they want,

00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,325

and then other users

take them up on it.

00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:51,414

- Really?

- Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude.

00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,243

People bet on anything,

even stuff here at the school.

00:01:53,374 --> 00:01:55,506

See? Will the girls' soccer team

win on Friday?

00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:56,811

Will there be a snow day

this month?

00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,247

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

00:01:58,248 --> 00:01:59,641

and destroy

a Palestinian hospital?

00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,337

Will school lunch have

tater tots next week?

00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:02,731

Wait, what was that?

00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,515

Will school lunch

have tater tots next week?

00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,821

- No, the one about my mom!

- Oh. Uh...

00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,302

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,868

and destroy

a Palestinian hospital?

00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:12,436

Why the hell would my mom

destroy a Palestinian hospital?

00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:15,309

'Cause she's a Jew?

00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:17,267

Boys, put 'em away.

00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,790

You know the rules--no cell

phones during school time.

00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,184

Sorry, Jesus.

00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,231

No phones, guys!

00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:27,842

Take that bet down right now,

fat ass!

00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:29,105

I didn't put it up, Kyle.

00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,628

I'm not even betting on it.

00:02:30,759 --> 00:02:32,977

It's 9:1 odds your mom won't

do it--those are terrible odds.

00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:34,415

This is such bullshit!

00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:35,764

I'm gonna find out

who started this

00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:39,027

and I'm gonna fucking

rip them a new asshole!

00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:42,073

Man, you just bring up Gaza

to a Jew and they flip out.

00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:44,598

Maybe these are

pretty good odds.

00:02:46,862 --> 00:02:50,430

You're watching Fox News!

00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868

They're called

prediction market apps--

00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,435

controversial online betting

that's found a loophole

00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:57,525

around normal gambling laws.

00:02:57,655 --> 00:03:00,527

And, of course, the number one

trending bet on the apps:

00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:04,358

Will President Trump and Satan's

baby be a boy or a girl?

00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,055

That's right,

prediction market apps

00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,838

are going crazy right now.

00:03:07,839 --> 00:03:11,582

On Kalshi, 54% are betting

it's gonna be a boy,

00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:14,933

while bettors on Polymarket

are at nearly 60%

00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:18,198

the demonic butt baby's

gonna be a girl.

00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:28,859

Hello, boss.

00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,862

Another gift for the baby.

00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,822

Another present for the baby?

00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,649

What about me?

00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:38,260

Everyone is so excited

for the baby, boss.

00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:41,482

You must be so excited as well.

00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,353

Uh, yeah, sure.

Real excited.

00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:47,836

It is going to completely

change your life, though.

00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:48,879

What are you talking about?

00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,969

Well, when the baby comes,

00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,363

you will have to give it

all your attention.

00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:57,062

No more dinner parties

in the Rose Garden.

00:03:57,149 --> 00:04:00,501

No more baseball games.

No more travelling.

00:04:00,631 --> 00:04:03,634

No more long nights

at Mar-a-Lago.

00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:07,856

Oh.

00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:09,336

Ooh.

00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:13,164

Hey, Satan!

00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:16,386

You wanna get in the hot tub

and smoke some cigarettes?

00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:19,693

Hot tubs and cigarettes

are really bad for the baby.

00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:21,609

Yeah, I know.

Let's do it anyway.

00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:24,393

Wait, do you want to get rid

of the baby?

00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,308

I don't think your followers

would be very happy

00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:28,745

if we got an abortion.

00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,965

Hey, relax, guy!

00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:32,923

I don't want to get rid

of the baby.

00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,709

Good,

'cause we're not going to.

00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,450

Great!

00:04:41,890 --> 00:04:43,021

Jimmy!

00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,065

Oh, hey, Kyle.

00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:45,762

What the hell is this?

00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,851

That's a prediction

market app.

00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:51,507

I'm asking why did you bet yes

that my mom would strike Gaza?

00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:52,814

Oh, yeah,

I put some money on that.

00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,771

I know it's not very likely,

but I like to bet on

00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:56,687

l-longshots.

00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:58,472

Why are you betting on it

at all?

00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,561

Israel and Gaza is

a very serious matter.

00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:02,040

Oh, I know, Kyle.

00:05:02,171 --> 00:05:03,694

I told a joke about Gaza

on a Zoom meeting yesterday

00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:04,913

and nobody laughed.

00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,045

I guess it's not even

remotely funny.

00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,397

Wow. What a terrific audience.

00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,006

What is wrong with you people?

00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:13,660

Do you even know what Gaza is?

00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,489

Do you seriously just care about

making a couple bucks?

00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:17,403

You know what my mom would do

if she found out about this?

00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,144

She would absolutely

lose her shit!

00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,582

There's been a conflict in

Israel for thousands of years,

00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:23,627

and Jews and Palestinians

are not football teams

00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:24,715

that you bet on.

00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,282

Guys, phones.

00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,631

all: Sorry, Jesus.

00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:30,242

Kyle, if you think

the bet isn't fair,

00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,373

then you can just take it up

with the company

00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,071

that manages the app.

- I can?

00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,595

Sure thing.

00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,814

These apps aren't

r-run of the mill, rinkydink.

00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:38,294

They're all run by

highly professional

00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:41,297

strategic advisors.

00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,443

Hello?

00:05:57,444 --> 00:06:01,883

Yeah, is this the "Strategic

Advisor for Predictive Markets?

00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:04,276

Yes, it is.

00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:05,799

Well, there's a bet

on one of your apps

00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,017

that's incredible insensitive,

00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,107

and it needs to be taken down

now!

00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:14,852

Oh, uh, all our bets are

actually regulated by the CFTC.

00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:16,810

You need to talk to them.

00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:18,987

What's the CFTC?

00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:22,338

It's the Commodity Futures

Trading Commission.

00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,165

It's the federal government.

00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:27,256

They have to approve all bets

and deal with discrepancies.

00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,605

Fine! I'll call the CFTC then.

00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,041

So stupid.

00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,001

Commodity Futures Trading

Commission--here we go.

00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:44,490

Hello?

00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,231

Yeah, I'm calling about

a prediction market bet

00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:47,929

that's offensive

to Jewish people.

00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:50,453

Ooh, that sounds really bad.

00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:53,717

If it's offensive, you probably

need to speak with the FCC.

00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,545

The FCC?

00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:57,895

Yeah, they're dealing with

all the offensive stuff now.

00:06:58,026 --> 00:07:00,071

Here, let me connect you.

00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:12,126

Hello?

00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,084

This is the same fucking guy!

00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:16,130

- Who is it?

- Uh, apparently,

00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:18,349

there's a really offensive bet

on an app

00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,483

that the government is sort of

in charge of,

00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,398

and I'm like

the strategic advisor.

00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:24,269

An offensive government app?

00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:26,620

I better go speak with

the president right away.

00:07:44,072 --> 00:07:45,856

Hey, Satan!

00:07:47,989 --> 00:07:49,947

Hey, Satan!

00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:51,906

Can you come downstairs?

00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:55,909

What do you want?

00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,738

Just come down the stairs

real quick.

00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,087

For what?

00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:00,610

For just real quick.

00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:02,220

Oh, there you are,

Mr. President!

00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:03,612

I need to talk to you.

00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:05,354

No, no, no, no!

Brendan Carr, don't--

00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,313

Whoa!

00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:14,885

The FCC guy must have

shitty ankles.

00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,632

You guys! You guys!

00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,026

Have you checked out

the betting app lately?

00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:26,810

- No.

- Ever since Kyle got

00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:28,333

all pissed off,

the odds are going up

00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:29,986

on his mom attacking Gaza.

00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,858

- No way.

- Yeah, check it out!

00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:34,208

Now 17% of people are betting

she's gonna do it.

00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:36,211

We gotta get in on this, guys.

00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:38,429

Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going

to strike Gaza.

00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,519

Yes, exactly.

We know that.

00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,434

And we can also influence Kyle

00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:44,436

to get the odds raised

even more.

00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:45,916

It's called a conflict

of interest, you guys.

00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,221

It's a way to make free money.

00:08:47,222 --> 00:08:48,571

Isn't that illegal?

00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,137

Yes!

All we have to do is make sure

00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,009

Kyle stays angry,

00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:53,794

and at the same time, go talk

antisemitic shit about his mom

00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,403

to goose the odds up even more.

00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,013

What are you guys

talking about?

00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:58,232

Nothing.

Just talking about

00:08:58,233 --> 00:09:00,017

how messed up it is

everyone hates Jews now.

00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,453

- You think it's messed up?

- Yes, I do, Kyle.

00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,369

Why would an app allow a bet

like that to exist?

00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,675

It's obvious race bait.

00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,808

Yeah,

that's exactly how I feel!

00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:09,199

Dude, you might just want to

let it go.

00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,811

See? "Just let it go."

00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,551

That's how people want you

to deal with a crisis

00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,857

that they don't even understand.

00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,642

Yes!

Thank you!

00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,295

You can't give up, Kyle.

00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:19,297

It's not cool people would say

this stuff about your mom.

00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,952

And honestly, if you don't have

her back, who will?

00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:29,089

Hey, have you guys heard about

Kyle's mom?

00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:32,658

Man, that bitch has it out

for Palestine, let me tell you.

00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:33,964

Well, I don't know,

I would just hate to be

00:09:34,095 --> 00:09:36,097

a Palestinian hospital,

that's all I can say.

00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,881

Well, anyway,

good to talk to you guys.

00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,055

Hey, guys!

Guys, have you heard about

00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:40,928

my friend Kyle's mom?

00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:50,546

Oh, my goodness, can you

believe all the crazy apps

00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,287

our kids are on these days?

00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,723

Ugh!

Who can keep track anymore?

00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:56,900

Kyle comes to me every day

with a new app

00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:58,336

that he just has to have.

00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,860

I tell him,

"That app costs money, Kyle.

00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,252

"Then it charges you money.

00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:03,863

Where you gonna get this money?"

00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,517

Yeah, you know what'd be nice?

00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,823

Is an app where you can actually

make some money.

00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:08,868

Yes.

00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,305

That'd be great, wouldn't it?

00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:12,654

Yes, it certainly would.

00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:16,136

So, Sheila,

00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:20,358

how have you been feeling about

the current situation in Gaza?

00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,449

- What?

- Uh, yeah,

00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:27,017

just--just thought we'd sort of

take your temperature.

00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,933

Which way are you thinking about

going with that?

00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:32,022

Well,

I think it's all horrible.

00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:35,199

A lot of people are dying.

- Uh-huh.

00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:38,594

And do you feel like you need

to do anything about it?

00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,726

What would I do about it?

00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,554

I mean, probably nothing, right?

00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,773

You're going to do nothing

about it.

00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:47,472

Are you implying

the Jews in America

00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,952

have some kind of obligation

to do something about it?

00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:52,695

- Whoa, whoa!

- You want to vilify my faith!

00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,349

Is that it?

- Sheila, it's OK.

00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:56,481

It's not

Jews versus Palestine!

00:10:56,568 --> 00:10:58,526

It's Israel versus Palestine!

00:10:58,527 --> 00:11:00,354

Here we go with

the Palestinian stuff again.

00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:01,922

And maybe if you read books

00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:04,140

instead of everything

Hollywood actors say,

00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:06,491

you'd know the difference!

00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,582

What are you putting

your money on?

00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:14,412

I mean, it's a ridiculous bet,

but she seems pretty pissed off.

00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,153

There's really no money to be

made on betting she won't.

00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:18,852

Yeah, let's take

the long odds.

00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:20,549

That makes these apps more fun.

00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,505

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:00,589

Hey, Satan!

00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,375

I made you some soup!

00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:10,206

I don't like carrots.

00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:12,426

Hey, relax, guy!

00:12:12,427 --> 00:12:13,820

Carrots are good for you.

00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:16,039

I don't want carrots.

00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:18,650

I ordered cheesecake

on DoorDash.

00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:21,044

Mr. President, I really need

to speak with you.

00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,436

Not now, Brendan Carr!

00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:23,873

Satan won't eat his carrots.

00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:26,006

Oh, come on, Satan,

you're eating for two now.

00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:27,746

Carrots are good for you, see?

00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,227

Ah, Brendan Carr, don't do it!

00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:32,751

Whoa, this is the best soup

ever. I--

00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:35,579

Oh, God!

00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:37,973

Whoa!

00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:39,846

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,417

Wow-wow-wow-wow!

00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:52,946

Those carrots must have been

from Erewhon.

00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:57,601

Everywhere I went today,

00:12:57,602 --> 00:12:59,169

it was the same thing.

00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,475

What are you going to do

about Gaza?

00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:03,739

Like us Jews in America

have any control

00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,479

over what's going on in Israel.

00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,437

Why is everyone suddenly

confronting us

00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:09,135

about the politics?

00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:12,835

Have people been asking what you

think about Gaza, Gerald?

00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:14,881

No, for some reason,

they were just asking

00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:17,057

what you think about it.

- You see?

00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:19,362

It's just pure antisemitism!

00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,496

I'm so sick of being grilled

about my views on Palestine

00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:24,150

and my thoughts on Hamas!

00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,717

And being judged for things

that are centuries old

00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:29,285

and that non-Jews

know nothing about!

00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:30,635

Well, if they all think

we should do something--

00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:31,592

You-- stop!

Then you better believe

00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:33,463

I'll do something!

00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:35,509

You know, Mom, I'm starting

to think that us Jews

00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:36,903

should just lay low

for a little bit.

00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:40,297

There!

Now my son is complacent.

00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:42,560

This is one Jewish household

that will not put up with it

00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,301

anymore!

- Ma, please.

00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:45,563

Don't make things any worse.

00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:48,740

Worse?

How can it be any worse?

00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:51,307

I'm going to find out where

all this is coming from,

00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:54,659

and I'm going to give them

a piece of my mind!

00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:57,880

No! Ma!

00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,627

Look, boss, another present

for the baby!

00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,937

Another present for the baby?

Right!

00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,546

Isn't it cute, boss?

00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:14,287

We must be careful, though,

00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:17,682

cats can be very harmful

to a pregnancy.

00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,902

Harmful to a pregnancy?

00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:23,688

Well, yes, boss, it's a

parasite called toxoplasmosis.

00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:25,994

It can be transferred

from cats to humans

00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,692

and bring about

some complications.

00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,480

Toxoplasmosis?

00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:58,506

Hey, Satan!

00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:04,773

Hey, Satan, you gotta come

see this, it's really great.

00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,644

What?

00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:09,342

Ay! I thought you were

napping in our room.

00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:11,779

No, I had to go get

the ultrasound.

00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,781

I can't believe

you didn't show up.

00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,611

It really makes me feel like

you don't care about this baby.

00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:20,745

Hey, relax, guy, of course

I care about the baby.

00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,746

Mr. President,

I'm feeling much better--

00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:25,185

No! Fuck! Brendan Carr!

00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:44,594

You guys.

You guys, I did it.

00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:45,857

You did what?

00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,597

I talked so much shit

about the Jews

00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,991

that I got the odds

on the bet up to 95%.

00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,255

Yeah, check it out.

00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:54,169

I put 1,400 bucks on it

last night.

00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:55,605

I am locked in.

00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:57,085

Where'd you get

1,400 bucks?

00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,608

I just took my mom's

debit card,

00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:00,002

entered all the info

into the betting app,

00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:01,612

and put all the money

she has on it.

00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,527

Isn't she gonna be

pissed off?

00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:07,488

Yeah, not when I turn

her 1,400 bucks into 14,000.

00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,229

This is the safest investment

ever.

00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,795

Nothing can possibly

go wrong.

00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:12,797

Hey, fellas. Fellas!

00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:14,234

Fellas, have you seen the news?

00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,018

Kyle's mom's in Israel.

00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,194

- Really?

- Oh, wow!

00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,414

I just put money down!

00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,044

Dude, your mom's in Israel.

00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,307

I know.

00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:45,308

Well, you gotta call her.

00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:46,483

You gotta calm her down.

00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:48,050

I've been trying to call her.

00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:49,486

Her phone's not working

over there.

00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,444

Kyle this is no time

for weakness.

00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:52,924

Whatever your mom is doing,

00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:56,275

it is going to make kids here

even more anti-Semitic.

00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:57,407

You're totally right.

00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:58,756

Damn right, I'm right!

00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,105

You have to get ahold

of your mom

00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,629

and tell her to calm down,

Kyle.

00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:03,325

Call the Israeli government

if you have to.

00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:05,110

How do I call

the Israeli government?

00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,287

Call a diplomat.

Call an embassy.

00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:10,506

You just have to talk to

someone who works for Israel.

00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,297

Hello.

00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:19,341

Oh, you have got to be

shitting me!

00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:20,908

- What?

- This is the strategic advisor

00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,475

for predictive market apps.

00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:23,477

Tell him to take

the bet down.

00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:24,869

What?

00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:26,001

Make him take the bet down,

Kyle.

00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,045

It is anti-Semitic,

and you have to fight

00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,309

for what you believe in.

00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,006

I called before

about an offensive bet,

00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:32,485

and I want that bet

taken down right now!

00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:33,661

That's right!

00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,445

Oh, yes, I believe

your complaint

00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:38,187

was being reviewed

by head of the FCC.

00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:39,884

Well, then what's the head

of the FCC doing?

00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:41,364

Where the hell is he?

00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:52,462

Mr. Carr?

Mr. Carr, can you hear me?

00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:58,076

We understand you're the head

of the FCC, is that correct?

00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,774

Mm-hmm.

00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:01,341

All right, well,

I'm very sorry,

00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:03,516

but you do appear

to have toxoplasmosis

00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,127

from exposure to cat feces.

00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,216

Aww!

00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:12,395

We need you to get some rest.

Try not to move.

00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,833

Will the head of the FCC

be OK, Doctor?

00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,139

His bones are healing,

00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,359

so he may regain

full range of motion.

00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:23,798

But if the toxoplasmosis

parasite gets to his brain...

00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:26,148

I'm afraid he may lose

his freedom of speech.

00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,846

Oh, no!

00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:31,110

We'll do everything we can.

00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:43,557

Mr. Carr, why do you keep

meddling in my plans?

00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:44,992

Huh?

00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,864

I've been trying

to convince the boss

00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:50,606

to get rid of the baby.

00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:53,088

I am next in line

to be president.

00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:55,263

That baby cannot be born.

00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:58,048

And if you continue

to interfere,

00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,921

I will make things

very difficult for you.

00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,667

We can do this the easy way,

00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:09,190

or we can do it the hard way.

00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,466

Hello.

00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:27,208

Uh, yes, is this the office

of the president?

00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,818

Yes, it is.

00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,691

I've got a young man

who's saying one of our

00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:33,476

predictive market bets

is offensive to Jews?

00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:35,434

Ooh, that sounds bad.

00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,132

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.

00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,611

Well, the president isn't here,

00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:40,353

but I'm, like,

a special advisor,

00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,703

so I can probably

get the bet taken down.

00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:45,227

Ooh, I'm a special

advisor too!

00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:46,924

Oh, really? That's great.

00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:49,187

Can you email me

the bet in question?

00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,884

Yeah, I'm emailing it now.

00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:52,277

Oh, yeah, I see it.

00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,584

OK, I'll need to approve

with the financial company

00:19:54,715 --> 00:19:57,500

backing all the app since the

bet money needs to be returned.

00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:00,416

OK, thanks,

I'll let all the Jews know.

00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:07,162

What the hell?

00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:08,598

They took it down.

00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:13,168

We were all gonna win,

and they took down our bets.

00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:14,952

How can the app company

do that?

00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,692

I got in at nine-to-one odds.

00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,608

This is b-b-bullshit!

00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,522

Yeah, these apps

are totally corrupt.

00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:24,265

Guys! For the love of God!

00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:30,924

Well, Cartman,

I just wanna say thanks.

00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:33,318

You know, it's crazy,

but nobody else here

00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:36,060

gave a crap about how I was

feeling except for you.

00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:37,758

Oh, that's all right, Kyle.

00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:40,195

I'm just happy the bet

got taken down.

00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,849

Now none of these sickos

can profit

00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,416

off of what your mom does.

00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:44,721

Yeah, well, those people

00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:48,203

would have all lost the bet

anyway.

00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,074

What do you mean they would

have all lost the bet?

00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:53,948

Well, I know the reason

my mom went Israel.

00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:56,166

It wasn't to bomb

a Palestinian hospital?

00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,560

No, when my mom

left the house,

00:20:57,691 --> 00:20:58,734

she said she was gonna find

00:20:58,735 --> 00:20:59,997

the person responsible

for all this

00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,825

and give them

a piece of her mind.

00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:12,358

You are not going

00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:13,923

to talk to me like that!

00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:15,577

I am extremely upset,

00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:19,189

and I am not leaving

until I have said my piece!

00:21:19,190 --> 00:21:22,803

There you are,

Mr. Netanyahu!

00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:24,761

Just who do you think you are,

00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:27,242

killing thousands

and flattening neighborhoods,

00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:28,982

then wrapping yourself

in Judaism

00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:31,420

like it's some shield

from criticism?

00:21:31,551 --> 00:21:33,553

You're making life for Jews

miserable

00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,381

and life for American Jews

impossible!

00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:38,601

Oh, don't you roll your eyes

at me, mister.

00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:40,211

You know what you're doing,

00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:42,430

and you're doing it

on purpose!

00:21:42,431 --> 00:21:44,215

Well, now you can just sit

in that chair,

00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,479

'cause I'm not

going anywhere, buster!

00:21:46,609 --> 00:21:48,568

I've been to every

PTA meeting,

00:21:48,698 --> 00:21:50,177

every school board meeting,

00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:52,049

and I can go all day!

00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:12,186

[theme music]

00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,490

- ♪ I'm goin' down

to South Park ♪

00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:15,449

♪ Gonna have myself a time

00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:16,929

- ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:18,844

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:20,063

- ♪ I'm goin' down

to South Park ♪

00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,933

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,719

- ♪ Ample parking day

or night ♪

00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:25,503

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor" ♪

00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:26,722

- ♪ I'm headin' on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:26,852 --> 00:00:28,854

♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:32,118

- ♪ [mumbling] ♪

00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,336

- ♪ Come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,165

♪ And meet some friends

of mine ♪

00:00:39,082 --> 00:00:40,910

[school bell rings]

00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:44,957

- OK, kids,

let's take our seats.

00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:47,873

Before we get started,

we have a guest speaker today.

00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,529

Please give your undivided

attention to Kipling.

00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:53,530

- Thank you, sir.

Hey. What's up, guys?

00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:54,663

My name's Kipling.

00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,403

I'm with the Webelos

of America.

00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:58,580

I want to talk you guys about

the exciting opportunity

00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:00,364

to join the Webelos.

00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,671

- Is that a chick or a dude?

- Shut up.

00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:04,280

- I'm sure some of you were in

Scouts before.

00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,240

Webelos are an extension

of Scouts,

00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:08,111

specifically for fifth

and sixth graders.

00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:09,546

- You guys, is that a chick

or a dude?

00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,767

- It's a chick.

- Nah, that's a dude, bro.

00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,550

- [muffled speech]

- ...part of it as well.

00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,336

Now, I know what y'all

might be thinking--

00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,338

Webelos used to be

only for boys.

00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:19,166

Well, now

they also allow girls,

00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,732

and I myself, as a...

00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:23,387

Webelo,

can tell you

00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:26,260

it's a great organization

for everyone.

00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:30,567

- I don't know, guys,

I'm like 60% sure

00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:31,787

that was a fucking dude.

00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,354

- I'm definitely betting

it's a chick.

00:01:33,484 --> 00:01:34,616

What are the odds at?

00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:36,052

- Looks like about

40 kids betting now,

00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:38,489

55% saying the Webelo

is a dude.

00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,622

- So I'd only win, like,

five bucks on a $2 bet?

00:01:40,752 --> 00:01:42,014

- What are you guys

talking about?

00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,580

- Prediction market app, dude.

00:01:43,581 --> 00:01:45,496

You know,

online peer to peer betting.

00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:46,802

- Yeah, it's social platform

betting.

00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:48,019

People can make any bet

they want,

00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,325

and then other users

take them up on it.

00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:51,414

- Really?

- Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude.

00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,243

People bet on anything,

even stuff here at the school.

00:01:53,374 --> 00:01:55,506

See? Will the girls' soccer team

win on Friday?

00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:56,811

Will there be a snow day

this month?

00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,247

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

00:01:58,248 --> 00:01:59,641

and destroy

a Palestinian hospital?

00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,337

Will school lunch have

tater tots next week?

00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:02,731

- Wait, what was that?

00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,515

- Will school lunch

have tater tots next week?

00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,821

- No, the one about my mom!

- Oh. Uh...

00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,302

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,868

and destroy

a Palestinian hospital?

00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:12,436

- Why the hell would my mom

destroy a Palestinian hospital?

00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:15,309

- 'Cause she's a Jew?

00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:17,267

JESUS: Boys, put 'em away.

00:02:17,398 --> 00:02:19,790

You know the rules--no cell

phones during school time.

00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,184

Both: Sorry, Jesus.

00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:22,619

[whistle trills]

00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,231

- No phones, guys!

00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:27,842

- Take that bet down right now,

fat ass!

00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:29,105

- I didn't put it up, Kyle.

00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,628

I'm not even betting on it.

00:02:30,759 --> 00:02:32,977

It's 9:1 odds your mom won't

do it--those are terrible odds.

00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:34,415

- This is such bullshit!

00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:35,764

I'm gonna find out

who started this

00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:39,027

and I'm gonna fucking

rip them a new asshole!

00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:42,073

- Man, you just bring up Gaza

to a Jew and they flip out.

00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:44,598

Maybe these are

pretty good odds.

00:02:44,599 --> 00:02:46,861

[dynamic news theme]

00:02:46,862 --> 00:02:50,430

ANNOUNCER:

You're watching Fox News!

00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868

- They're called

prediction market apps--

00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,435

controversial online betting

that's found a loophole

00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:57,525

around normal gambling laws.

00:02:57,655 --> 00:03:00,527

And, of course, the number one

trending bet on the apps:

00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:04,358

Will President Trump and Satan's

baby be a boy or a girl?

00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,055

- That's right,

prediction market apps

00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,838

are going crazy right now.

00:03:07,839 --> 00:03:11,582

On Kalshi, 54% are betting

it's gonna be a boy,

00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:14,933

while bettors on Polymarket

are at nearly 60%

00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:18,198

the demonic butt baby's

gonna be a girl.

00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:28,859

- Hello, boss.

00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,862

Another gift for the baby.

00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:33,822

- Another present for the baby?

00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,649

What about me?

00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:38,260

- Everyone is so excited

for the baby, boss.

00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:41,482

You must be so excited as well.

00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,353

- Uh, yeah, sure.

Real excited.

00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:47,836

- It is going to completely

change your life, though.

00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:48,879

- What are you talking about?

00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,969

- Well, when the baby comes,

00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,363

you will have to give it

all your attention.

00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:57,062

No more dinner parties

in the Rose Garden.

00:03:57,149 --> 00:04:00,501

No more baseball games.

No more travelling.

00:04:00,631 --> 00:04:03,634

No more long nights

at Mar-a-Lago.

00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:07,856

- Oh.

00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:09,336

Ooh.

00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:13,164

- Hey, Satan!

00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:16,386

You wanna get in the hot tub

and smoke some cigarettes?

00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:19,693

- Hot tubs and cigarettes

are really bad for the baby.

00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:21,609

- Yeah, I know.

Let's do it anyway.

00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:24,393

- Wait, do you want to get rid

of the baby?

00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,308

I don't think your followers

would be very happy

00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:28,745

if we got an abortion.

00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,965

- Hey, relax, guy!

00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:32,923

I don't want to get rid

of the baby.

00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,709

- Good,

'cause we're not going to.

00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,450

- Great!

00:04:41,890 --> 00:04:43,021

- Jimmy!

00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,065

- Oh, hey, Kyle.

00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:45,762

- What the hell is this?

00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,851

- That's a prediction

market app.

00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:51,507

- I'm asking why did you bet yes

that my mom would strike Gaza?

00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:52,814

- Oh, yeah,

I put some money on that.

00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,771

I know it's not very likely,

but I like to bet on

00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:56,687

l-longshots.

00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:58,472

- Why are you betting on it

at all?

00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,561

Israel and Gaza is

a very serious matter.

00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:02,040

- Oh, I know, Kyle.

00:05:02,171 --> 00:05:03,694

I told a joke about Gaza

on a Zoom meeting yesterday

00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:04,913

and nobody laughed.

00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,045

I guess it's not even

remotely funny.

00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,397

Wow. What a terrific audience.

00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,006

- What is wrong with you people?

00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:13,660

Do you even know what Gaza is?

00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,489

Do you seriously just care about

making a couple bucks?

00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:17,403

You know what my mom would do

if she found out about this?

00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,144

She would absolutely

lose her shit!

00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,582

There's been a conflict in

Israel for thousands of years,

00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:23,627

and Jews and Palestinians

are not football teams

00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:24,715

that you bet on.

00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:26,282

- Guys, phones.

00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,631

all: Sorry, Jesus.

00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:30,242

- Kyle, if you think

the bet isn't fair,

00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,373

then you can just take it up

with the company

00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,071

that manages the app.

- I can?

00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,595

- Sure thing.

00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,814

These apps aren't

r-run of the mill, rinkydink.

00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:38,294

They're all run by

highly professional

00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:41,297

strategic advisors.

00:05:41,384 --> 00:05:44,300

[dramatic music]

00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:48,086

♪ ♪

00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:51,089

[phone ringing]

00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,443

- Hello?

00:05:57,444 --> 00:06:01,883

- Yeah, is this the "Strategic

Advisor for Predictive Markets?

00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:04,276

- Yes, it is.

00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:05,799

- Well, there's a bet

on one of your apps

00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,017

that's incredible insensitive,

00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,107

and it needs to be taken down

now!

00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:14,852

- Oh, uh, all our bets are

actually regulated by the CFTC.

00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:16,810

You need to talk to them.

00:06:16,811 --> 00:06:18,987

- What's the CFTC?

00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:22,338

- It's the Commodity Futures

Trading Commission.

00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,165

It's the federal government.

00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:27,256

They have to approve all bets

and deal with discrepancies.

00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,605

- Fine! I'll call the CFTC then.

00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,041

So stupid.

00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,001

Commodity Futures Trading

Commission--here we go.

00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:38,180

[line ringing]

00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:44,490

- Hello?

00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,231

- Yeah, I'm calling about

a prediction market bet

00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:47,929

that's offensive

to Jewish people.

00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:50,453

- Ooh, that sounds really bad.

00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:53,717

If it's offensive, you probably

need to speak with the FCC.

00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,545

- The FCC?

00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:57,895

- Yeah, they're dealing with

all the offensive stuff now.

00:06:58,026 --> 00:07:00,071

Here, let me connect you.

00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:03,031

[phone ringing]

00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:12,126

Hello?

00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:14,084

- This is the same fucking guy!

00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:16,130

- Who is it?

- Uh, apparently,

00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:18,349

there's a really offensive bet

on an app

00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,483

that the government is sort of

in charge of,

00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,398

and I'm like

the strategic advisor.

00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:24,269

- An offensive government app?

00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:26,620

I better go speak with

the president right away.

00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:33,409

[humming happily]

00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:36,237

[rope boings]

00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:39,241

[humming happily]

00:07:44,072 --> 00:07:45,856

Hey, Satan!

00:07:47,989 --> 00:07:49,947

Hey, Satan!

00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:51,906

Can you come downstairs?

00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:55,909

- What do you want?

00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,738

- Just come down the stairs

real quick.

00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,087

- For what?

00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:00,610

- For just real quick.

00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:02,220

- Oh, there you are,

Mr. President!

00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:03,612

I need to talk to you.

00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:05,354

- No, no, no, no!

Brendan Carr, don't--

00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,313

- Whoa!

[grunting]

00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,186

- [laughing]

00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:14,885

The FCC guy must have

shitty ankles.

00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,632

- You guys! You guys!

00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,026

Have you checked out

the betting app lately?

00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:26,810

- No.

- Ever since Kyle got

00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:28,333

all pissed off,

the odds are going up

00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:29,986

on his mom attacking Gaza.

00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,858

- No way.

- Yeah, check it out!

00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:34,208

Now 17% of people are betting

she's gonna do it.

00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:36,211

We gotta get in on this, guys.

00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:38,429

- Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going

to strike Gaza.

00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,519

- Yes, exactly.

We know that.

00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,434

And we can also influence Kyle

00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:44,436

to get the odds raised

even more.

00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:45,916

It's called a conflict

of interest, you guys.

00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,221

It's a way to make free money.

00:08:47,222 --> 00:08:48,571

- Isn't that illegal?

00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,137

- Yes!

All we have to do is make sure

00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,009

Kyle stays angry,

00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:53,794

and at the same time, go talk

antisemitic shit about his mom

00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,403

to goose the odds up even more.

00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,013

- What are you guys

talking about?

00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:58,232

- Nothing.

Just talking about

00:08:58,233 --> 00:09:00,017

how messed up it is

everyone hates Jews now.

00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:02,453

- You think it's messed up?

- Yes, I do, Kyle.

00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,369

Why would an app allow a bet

like that to exist?

00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,675

It's obvious race bait.

00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,808

- Yeah,

that's exactly how I feel!

00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:09,199

- Dude, you might just want to

let it go.

00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,811

- See? "Just let it go."

00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,551

That's how people want you

to deal with a crisis

00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,857

that they don't even understand.

00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,642

- Yes!

Thank you!

00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,295

- You can't give up, Kyle.

00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:19,297

It's not cool people would say

this stuff about your mom.

00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,952

And honestly, if you don't have

her back, who will?

00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:29,089

Hey, have you guys heard about

Kyle's mom?

00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:32,658

Man, that bitch has it out

for Palestine, let me tell you.

00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:33,964

Well, I don't know,

I would just hate to be

00:09:34,095 --> 00:09:36,097

a Palestinian hospital,

that's all I can say.

00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,881

Well, anyway,

good to talk to you guys.

00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:39,055

Hey, guys!

Guys, have you heard about

00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:40,928

my friend Kyle's mom?

00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,978

[laughter]

00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:50,546

- Oh, my goodness, can you

believe all the crazy apps

00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,287

our kids are on these days?

00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,723

- Ugh!

Who can keep track anymore?

00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:56,900

- Kyle comes to me every day

with a new app

00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:58,336

that he just has to have.

00:09:58,467 --> 00:10:00,860

I tell him,

"That app costs money, Kyle.

00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,252

"Then it charges you money.

00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:03,863

Where you gonna get this money?"

00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,517

- Yeah, you know what'd be nice?

00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:07,823

Is an app where you can actually

make some money.

00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:08,868

- [laughs]

Yes.

00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,305

That'd be great, wouldn't it?

00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:12,654

- [giggling]

Yes, it certainly would.

00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:13,655

[clears throat]

00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:16,136

So, Sheila,

00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:20,358

how have you been feeling about

the current situation in Gaza?

00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:24,449

- What?

- Uh, yeah,

00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:27,017

just--just thought we'd sort of

take your temperature.

00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,933

Which way are you thinking about

going with that?

00:10:30,064 --> 00:10:32,022

- Well,

I think it's all horrible.

00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:35,199

A lot of people are dying.

- Uh-huh.

00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:38,594

- And do you feel like you need

to do anything about it?

00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,726

- What would I do about it?

00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,554

- I mean, probably nothing, right?

00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,773

You're going to do nothing

about it.

00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:47,472

- Are you implying

the Jews in America

00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,952

have some kind of obligation

to do something about it?

00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:52,695

- Whoa, whoa!

- You want to vilify my faith!

00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,349

Is that it?

- Sheila, it's OK.

00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:56,481

- It's not

Jews versus Palestine!

00:10:56,568 --> 00:10:58,526

It's Israel versus Palestine!

00:10:58,527 --> 00:11:00,354

- Here we go with

the Palestinian stuff again.

00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:01,922

- And maybe if you read books

00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:04,140

instead of everything

Hollywood actors say,

00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:06,491

you'd know the difference!

00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:10,582

- What are you putting

your money on?

00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:14,412

- I mean, it's a ridiculous bet,

but she seems pretty pissed off.

00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,153

- There's really no money to be

made on betting she won't.

00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:18,852

- Yeah, let's take

the long odds.

00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:20,549

That makes these apps more fun.

00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,505

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:22,943

[laughter]

00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:25,945

[stately music]

00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:29,297

♪

00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:32,213

- [humming happily]

00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:39,220

♪ ♪

00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:43,745

[mischievous music]

00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,747

♪

00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:48,750

[humming happily]

00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:55,758

♪

00:11:57,804 --> 00:12:00,589

Hey, Satan!

00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,547

♪ ♪

00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,375

I made you some soup!

00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:05,985

♪ ♪

00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:10,206

- I don't like carrots.

00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:12,426

- Hey, relax, guy!

00:12:12,427 --> 00:12:13,820

Carrots are good for you.

00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:16,039

- I don't want carrots.

00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:18,650

I ordered cheesecake

on DoorDash.

00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:21,044

- Mr. President, I really need

to speak with you.

00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,436

- Not now, Brendan Carr!

00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:23,873

Satan won't eat his carrots.

00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:26,006

- Oh, come on, Satan,

you're eating for two now.

00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:27,746

Carrots are good for you, see?

00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,227

- Ah, Brendan Carr, don't do it!

00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:32,751

- Whoa, this is the best soup

ever. I--

00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,405

[gagging]

00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:35,579

Oh, God!

00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:36,798

[farting, screaming]

00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:37,973

- Whoa!

00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:39,846

- Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,631

[farting, screaming]

00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,417

Wow-wow-wow-wow!

00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:50,160

- [laughs]

00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:52,946

Those carrots must have been

from Erewhon.

00:12:55,905 --> 00:12:57,601

SHEILA:

Everywhere I went today,

00:12:57,602 --> 00:12:59,169

it was the same thing.

00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,475

What are you going to do

about Gaza?

00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:03,739

Like us Jews in America

have any control

00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,479

over what's going on in Israel.

00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,437

Why is everyone suddenly

confronting us

00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:09,135

about the politics?

00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:12,835

Have people been asking what you

think about Gaza, Gerald?

00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:14,881

- No, for some reason,

they were just asking

00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:17,057

what you think about it.

- You see?

00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:19,362

It's just pure antisemitism!

00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:22,496

I'm so sick of being grilled

about my views on Palestine

00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:24,150

and my thoughts on Hamas!

00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,717

And being judged for things

that are centuries old

00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:29,285

and that non-Jews

know nothing about!

00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:30,635

Well, if they all think

we should do something--

00:13:30,722 --> 00:13:31,592

- You-- stop!

SHEILA: Then you better believe

00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:33,463

I'll do something!

00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:35,509

- You know, Mom, I'm starting

to think that us Jews

00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:36,903

should just lay low

for a little bit.

00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:40,297

- There!

Now my son is complacent.

00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:42,560

This is one Jewish household

that will not put up with it

00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,301

anymore!

- Ma, please.

00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:45,563

Don't make things any worse.

00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:48,740

- Worse?

How can it be any worse?

00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:51,307

I'm going to find out where

all this is coming from,

00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:54,659

and I'm going to give them

a piece of my mind!

00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:57,880

- No! Ma!

00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,363

[cat meows]

00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,627

- Look, boss, another present

for the baby!

00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:07,846

[cat meows]

00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,937

- Another present for the baby?

Right!

00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,546

- Isn't it cute, boss?

00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:14,287

We must be careful, though,

00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:17,682

cats can be very harmful

to a pregnancy.

00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,902

- Harmful to a pregnancy?

00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:23,688

- Well, yes, boss, it's a

parasite called toxoplasmosis.

00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:25,994

It can be transferred

from cats to humans

00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,692

and bring about

some complications.

00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,519

[cat meows]

00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,480

- Toxoplasmosis?

[cat yowls]

00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,918

[humming happily]

00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,879

[cats meowing]

00:14:42,838 --> 00:14:44,274

[humming happily]

00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:45,710

[alarm buzzes]

00:14:49,192 --> 00:14:52,065

[humming happily]

00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:58,506

Hey, Satan!

00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:04,773

Hey, Satan, you gotta come

see this, it's really great.

00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,644

- What?

00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:09,342

- Ay! I thought you were

napping in our room.

00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:11,779

- No, I had to go get

the ultrasound.

00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,781

I can't believe

you didn't show up.

00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,611

It really makes me feel like

you don't care about this baby.

00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:20,745

- Hey, relax, guy, of course

I care about the baby.

00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,746

- Mr. President,

I'm feeling much better--

00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:25,185

- No! Fuck! Brendan Carr!

00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:28,709

- [muffled groaning]

00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:31,234

[muffled scream]

00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:34,237

[crashing]

00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:44,594

- You guys.

You guys, I did it.

00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:45,857

- You did what?

00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,597

- I talked so much shit

about the Jews

00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,991

that I got the odds

on the bet up to 95%.

00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:50,992

- [muffled speech]

00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,255

- Yeah, check it out.

00:15:52,386 --> 00:15:54,169

I put 1,400 bucks on it

last night.

00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:55,605

I am locked in.

00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:57,085

- Where'd you get

1,400 bucks?

00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,608

- I just took my mom's

debit card,

00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:00,002

entered all the info

into the betting app,

00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:01,612

and put all the money

she has on it.

00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:02,874

- [muffled speech]

00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,527

- Isn't she gonna be

pissed off?

00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:07,488

- Yeah, not when I turn

her 1,400 bucks into 14,000.

00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,229

This is the safest investment

ever.

00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:10,795

Nothing can possibly

go wrong.

00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:12,797

JIMMY:

Hey, fellas. Fellas!

00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:14,234

Fellas, have you seen the news?

00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,018

Kyle's mom's in Israel.

00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,194

- Really?

- Oh, wow!

00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,414

- I just put money down!

00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,511

[dramatic music]

00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:33,427

- [speaking Arabic]

00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,044

- Dude, your mom's in Israel.

00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:44,307

- I know.

00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:45,308

- Well, you gotta call her.

00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:46,483

You gotta calm her down.

00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:48,050

- I've been trying to call her.

00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:49,486

Her phone's not working

over there.

00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,444

- Kyle this is no time

for weakness.

00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:52,924

Whatever your mom is doing,

00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:56,275

it is going to make kids here

even more anti-Semitic.

00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:57,407

- You're totally right.

00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:58,756

- Damn right, I'm right!

00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,105

You have to get ahold

of your mom

00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,629

and tell her to calm down,

Kyle.

00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:03,325

Call the Israeli government

if you have to.

00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:05,110

- How do I call

the Israeli government?

00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,287

- Call a diplomat.

Call an embassy.

00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:10,506

You just have to talk to

someone who works for Israel.

00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:13,423

[phone ringing]

00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,297

- Hello.

00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:19,341

- Oh, you have got to be

shitting me!

00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:20,908

- What?

- This is the strategic advisor

00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,475

for predictive market apps.

00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:23,477

- Tell him to take

the bet down.

00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:24,869

- What?

00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:26,001

- Make him take the bet down,

Kyle.

00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,045

It is anti-Semitic,

and you have to fight

00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,309

for what you believe in.

00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,006

- I called before

about an offensive bet,

00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:32,485

and I want that bet

taken down right now!

00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:33,661

- That's right!

00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,445

- Oh, yes, I believe

your complaint

00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:38,187

was being reviewed

by head of the FCC.

00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:39,884

- Well, then what's the head

of the FCC doing?

00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:41,364

Where the hell is he?

00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:49,111

- [groaning]

00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:52,462

- Mr. Carr?

Mr. Carr, can you hear me?

00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,203

- [groans]

00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:58,076

- We understand you're the head

of the FCC, is that correct?

00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,774

- Mm-hmm.

00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:01,341

- All right, well,

I'm very sorry,

00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:03,516

but you do appear

to have toxoplasmosis

00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,127

from exposure to cat feces.

00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,216

- Aww!

00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:12,395

- We need you to get some rest.

Try not to move.

00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,833

- Will the head of the FCC

be OK, Doctor?

00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,139

- His bones are healing,

00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,359

so he may regain

full range of motion.

00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:23,798

But if the toxoplasmosis

parasite gets to his brain...

00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:26,148

I'm afraid he may lose

his freedom of speech.

00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,846

- Oh, no!

00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:31,110

- We'll do everything we can.

00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:36,854

[sinister music]

00:18:36,941 --> 00:18:39,247

♪ ♪

00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:43,557

- Mr. Carr, why do you keep

meddling in my plans?

00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:44,992

- Huh?

00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:46,864

- I've been trying

to convince the boss

00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:50,606

to get rid of the baby.

00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:53,088

I am next in line

to be president.

00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:55,263

That baby cannot be born.

00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:58,048

And if you continue

to interfere,

00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,921

I will make things

very difficult for you.

00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:04,142

- [groaning]

00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,667

- We can do this the easy way,

00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:09,190

or we can do it the hard way.

00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:11,541

♪

00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:20,768

[phone ringing]

00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,466

- Hello.

00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:27,208

Uh, yes, is this the office

of the president?

00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,818

Yes, it is.

00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,691

I've got a young man

who's saying one of our

00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:33,476

predictive market bets

is offensive to Jews?

00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:35,434

Ooh, that sounds bad.

00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,132

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.

00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,611

Well, the president isn't here,

00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:40,353

but I'm, like,

a special advisor,

00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,703

so I can probably

get the bet taken down.

00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:45,227

Ooh, I'm a special

advisor too!

00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:46,924

Oh, really? That's great.

00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:49,187

Can you email me

the bet in question?

00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,884

Yeah, I'm emailing it now.

00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:52,277

Oh, yeah, I see it.

00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,584

OK, I'll need to approve

with the financial company

00:19:54,715 --> 00:19:57,500

backing all the app since the

bet money needs to be returned.

00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:00,416

OK, thanks,

I'll let all the Jews know.

00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:07,162

- What the hell?

00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:08,598

- They took it down.

00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:13,168

We were all gonna win,

and they took down our bets.

00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:14,952

- How can the app company

do that?

00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,692

- I got in at nine-to-one odds.

00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:18,608

This is b-b-bullshit!

00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,522

- Yeah, these apps

are totally corrupt.

00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:24,265

[whistle blows]

- Guys! For the love of God!

00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:27,137

[laughter]

00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:30,924

- Well, Cartman,

I just wanna say thanks.

00:20:30,925 --> 00:20:33,318

You know, it's crazy,

but nobody else here

00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:36,060

gave a crap about how I was

feeling except for you.

00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:37,758

- Oh, that's all right, Kyle.

00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:40,195

I'm just happy the bet

got taken down.

00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,849

Now none of these sickos

can profit

00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,416

off of what your mom does.

00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:44,721

- Yeah, well, those people

00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:48,203

would have all lost the bet

anyway.

00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,074

- What do you mean they would

have all lost the bet?

00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:53,948

- Well, I know the reason

my mom went Israel.

00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:56,166

- It wasn't to bomb

a Palestinian hospital?

00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,560

- No, when my mom

left the house,

00:20:57,691 --> 00:20:58,734

she said she was gonna find

00:20:58,735 --> 00:20:59,997

the person responsible

for all this

00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,825

and give them

a piece of her mind.

00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:12,358

KYLE'S MOM [muffled]:

You are not going

00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:13,923

to talk to me like that!

00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:15,577

I am extremely upset,

00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:19,189

and I am not leaving

until I have said my piece!

00:21:19,190 --> 00:21:22,803

There you are,

Mr. Netanyahu!

00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:24,761

Just who do you think you are,

00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:27,242

killing thousands

and flattening neighborhoods,

00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:28,982

then wrapping yourself

in Judaism

00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:31,420

like it's some shield

from criticism?

00:21:31,551 --> 00:21:33,553

You're making life for Jews

miserable

00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,381

and life for American Jews

impossible!

00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:38,601

Oh, don't you roll your eyes

at me, mister.

00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:40,211

You know what you're doing,

00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:42,430

and you're doing it

on purpose!

00:21:42,431 --> 00:21:44,215

Well, now you can just sit

in that chair,

00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:46,479

'cause I'm not

going anywhere, buster!

00:21:46,609 --> 00:21:48,568

I've been to every

PTA meeting,

00:21:48,698 --> 00:21:50,177

every school board meeting,

00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:52,049

and I can go all day!