Есть орешек

Предыдущая серия S27 E01 Нагорная проповедь

Следующая серия S27 E03 Болезнетворность

Есть орешек

Got a Nut

Сезон: 27Серия: 02

Описание

Субтитры

00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:05,990 ПЕРСОНАЖИ И СОБЫТИЯ ВЫМЫШЛЕНЫ, ХОТЬ И НЕ ВСЕ ГОЛОСА ЗНАМЕНИТОСТЕЙ СЫМИТИРОВАНЫ... ПЛОХО
00:00:06,260 --> 00:00:08,730 В ПРОГРАММЕ СОДЕРЖИТСЯ ГРЯЗНАЯ РУГАНЬ, НЕ РЕКОМЕНДУЕТСЯ К ПРОСМОТРУ ВООБЩЕ НИКОМУ
00:00:11,770 --> 00:00:13,800 <i>Соберу я свой рюкзак</i>
00:00:13,810 --> 00:00:15,170 <i>и поеду в Саус Парк.</i>
00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:16,820 <i>Дружелюбный здесь народ,</i>
00:00:16,890 --> 00:00:18,550 <i>благочестие цветёт.</i>
00:00:18,660 --> 00:00:19,720 <i>В Саус Парк ты приезжаешь</i>
00:00:19,830 --> 00:00:21,620 <i>и печали забываешь.</i>
00:00:21,790 --> 00:00:23,490 <i>Стоит только выйти в свет,</i>
00:00:23,570 --> 00:00:25,290 <i>все кричат: «Привет, сосед!»</i>
00:00:25,370 --> 00:00:26,460 <i>В Саус Парке не печалься,</i>
00:00:26,540 --> 00:00:28,410 <i>отдыхай и расслабляйся.</i>
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:32,970 <i>В Саус Парке ждут тебя</i>
00:00:33,010 --> 00:00:33,920 <i>мои верные друзья.</i>
00:00:33,930 --> 00:00:35,990 ЮЖНЫЙ ПАРК
00:00:38,090 --> 00:00:41,200 НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА
00:03:08,550 --> 00:03:15,040 НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,310 БАНК САУС ПАРКА СБЕРЕЖЕНИЯ И ЗАЙМЫ
00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,650 <i>Нам плевать на ваш опыт.</i>
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:22,740 <i>Просто приходите.</i>
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:26,640 <i>Нам плевать, читали ли вы книги и созрели ли вы.</i>
00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:29,620 <i>Будь вы хоть психом, жирдяем или лентяем,</i>
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:32,160 <i>нам наплевать.</i>
00:05:36,490 --> 00:05:39,370 <i>Иммиграционная и таможенная полиция.</i>
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,740 <i>Вы ищите работу?</i>
00:05:40,780 --> 00:05:43,580 <i>Вот вам работа.</i>
00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:20,800 БИБЛИЯ
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:31,850 ЦЕНТР ВЕРБОВКИ ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ
00:07:41,270 --> 00:07:42,930 ВЫ НУЖНЫ ИММИГРАЦИОННОЙ ПОЛИЦИИ
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,700 ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ
00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:14,180 ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ
00:09:15,770 --> 00:09:17,710 ПРИМЕРОЧНАЯ
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,130 ЦЕНТР ВЕРБОВКИ ТОЛЬКО ПОГРУЗКА
00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:45,720 ДОРА-ПУТЕШЕСТВЕННИЦА ЖИВОЕ ВЫСТУПЛЕНИЕ!
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:30,000 ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ ПОГРАНИЧНЫЙ ПАТРУЛЬ
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,640 СРОЧНЫЕ НОВОСТИ ПРОТЕСТЫ ПРОТИВ ИММИГРАЦИОННОЙ ПОЛИЦИИ
00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:35,000 НАГРАДА ИМЕНИ ЧАРЛИ КИРКА ДЛЯ ЮНЫХ МАСТЕРОВ ДЕБАТОВ
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,550 БАНК САУС ПАРКА СБЕРЕЖЕНИЯ И ЗАЙМЫ
00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:49,860 МАР-А-ЛАГО
00:19:26,210 --> 00:19:28,230 ИГРАЙ И СМЕЙСЯ
00:19:28,590 --> 00:19:30,920 ИГРОВАЯ КОМНАТА ПОВЕСЕЛИСЬ В МАР-А-ЛАГО!
00:21:53,870 --> 00:21:56,340 ЗООМАГАЗИН
00:21:56,380 --> 00:21:59,000 СЕГОДНЯ РАЗДАЁМ ЩЕНЯТ! ЗАБЕРИТЕ ДОМОЙ ВЕРНОГО ДРУГА

00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:05,990 ПЕРСОНАЖИ И СОБЫТИЯ ВЫМЫШЛЕНЫ, ХОТЬ И НЕ ВСЕ ГОЛОСА ЗНАМЕНИТОСТЕЙ СЫМИТИРОВАНЫ... ПЛОХО
00:00:06,260 --> 00:00:08,730 В ПРОГРАММЕ СОДЕРЖИТСЯ ГРЯЗНАЯ РУГАНЬ, НЕ РЕКОМЕНДУЕТСЯ К ПРОСМОТРУ ВООБЩЕ НИКОМУ
00:00:11,770 --> 00:00:13,800 <i>Соберу я свой рюкзак</i>
00:00:13,810 --> 00:00:15,170 <i>и поеду в Саус Парк.</i>
00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:16,820 <i>Дружелюбный здесь народ,</i>
00:00:16,890 --> 00:00:18,550 <i>благочестие цветёт.</i>
00:00:18,660 --> 00:00:19,720 <i>В Саус Парк ты приезжаешь</i>
00:00:19,830 --> 00:00:21,620 <i>и печали забываешь.</i>
00:00:21,790 --> 00:00:23,490 <i>Стоит только выйти в свет,</i>
00:00:23,570 --> 00:00:25,290 <i>все кричат: «Привет, сосед!»</i>
00:00:25,370 --> 00:00:26,460 <i>В Саус Парке не печалься,</i>
00:00:26,540 --> 00:00:28,410 <i>отдыхай и расслабляйся.</i>
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:32,970 <i>В Саус Парке ждут тебя</i>
00:00:33,010 --> 00:00:33,920 <i>мои верные друзья.</i>
00:00:33,930 --> 00:00:35,990 ЮЖНЫЙ ПАРК
00:00:38,090 --> 00:00:41,200 НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:53,560 На этот раз он перегнул. Он такое рассказывает про евреев.
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:55,230 Игнорируй его.
00:00:55,310 --> 00:00:58,330 Тяжело его игнорировать, он же ведёт подкаст.
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:03,240 Он назвал женщин шлюхами, и сказал, что кроме как убивать детей, мы ни на что не годны.
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,040 Просто забудьте. Не обращайте внимание.
00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:07,610 Легко тебе сказать.
00:01:07,690 --> 00:01:11,510 Вот если б ты тоже был в одной из обсираемых групп.
00:01:11,790 --> 00:01:13,530 Кого вы обсуждаете?
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:14,530 Клайда
00:01:15,210 --> 00:01:15,880 Клайда?
00:01:16,020 --> 00:01:18,120 И тупой подкаст с дебатами.
00:01:18,230 --> 00:01:19,690 Эй, вон он.
00:01:21,070 --> 00:01:24,320 Да пофиг. А вы докажите, что я не прав.
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,360 Ты ничего не знаешь о евреях.
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,690 Хватит говорить о женских телах.
00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:31,300 Так скажут только женщина и еврей.
00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:34,170 Не нравится — устроим дебаты на моём подкасте
00:01:34,410 --> 00:01:36,870 Мы не поддержим тупой подкаст!
00:01:36,950 --> 00:01:38,510 Пошёл ты, жиробас!
00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:41,860 Что?.. Что?
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:48,780 Как школьный психолог, я бы хотел разобраться, почему ты совершаешь плохие поступки.
00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:52,570 Подкаст очень сильно расстроил других учащихся.
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,780 Итак, почему ты решил, что нужно высказаться?
00:01:56,310 --> 00:01:58,110 Пытаюсь выбить нал.
00:02:00,460 --> 00:02:01,440 На-нал?
00:02:01,670 --> 00:02:03,500 Детям тяжело в наши дни.
00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:06,627 Подписка на Xbox, PS, Steam, Netflix, HBO.
00:02:06,630 --> 00:02:08,420 Всякие доставки.
00:02:08,690 --> 00:02:10,250 Шестьдесят баксов в неделю.
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:14,300 Ребёнок может срубить бабла подкастом на острые темы.
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:19,600 Что ж, Клайд, есть вещи поважнее, пнятненько?
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,080 Например?
00:02:21,670 --> 00:02:26,860 Ну, быть хорошим, пнятненько. Дарить радость людям, помогать.
00:02:26,910 --> 00:02:28,590 Поэтому я стал психологом.
00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:29,580 Да?
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,980 Мистер Маки, пакуйте вещи. Вы уволены.
00:02:33,830 --> 00:02:34,350 Что?
00:02:34,470 --> 00:02:38,400 Правительство сокращает расходы на школы. Собирайтесь. Деньги сразу.
00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:39,860 Что вы говорите?
00:02:40,090 --> 00:02:42,240 Подождите, ПК Директор.
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:43,520 Праведный крещёный, да.
00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:45,790 Я работаю здесь двадцать шесть лет.
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:49,780 Спасибо за вашу работу, но правительству не нужны лишние расходы.
00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:51,920 Но школьный психолог важен.
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,850 В школе один психолог. Величайший психолог на свете.
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,660 Спасибо. Собирайтесь.
00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:02,700 Но
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,300 как же мой нал?
00:03:08,550 --> 00:03:15,040 НАЧАЛЬНАЯ ШКОЛА САУС ПАРКА
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:25,580 Здравствуйте. Добро пожаловать на «Подкаст Клайда-а Донована».
00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:28,620 Вы слушаете канал правды.
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,460 Евреям нет доверия. Белых угнетают. Место женщины дома.
00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:35,390 И вот наш первый гость. Эрик Картман.
00:03:38,850 --> 00:03:40,380 Что за ересь ты творишь?
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,350 Мы обсуждаем евреев и угнетённых белых...
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,400 Это моя фишка!
00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:46,640 Ты украл мою идею!
00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:50,870 Ничего об этом не знаю, зато могу рассказать о добавках в виде порошка.
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:51,610 Добавках?
00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,610 Добавки помогут набрать массу...
00:03:53,750 --> 00:03:54,990 Ты, блин, всерьёз?!
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,590 У тебя спонсоры?
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:59,400 Так вы быстрее накачаете мышцы. Покупайте.
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,040 Не забывайте про хештег уважайте Клайда.
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:03,080 Что?!
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,310 БАНК САУС ПАРКА СБЕРЕЖЕНИЯ И ЗАЙМЫ
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:11,290 После увольнения я осознал, что нужно разобраться с месячными тратами.
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:16,830 Мистер Маки. Я просмотрел ваши документы. У вас выходит восемь тысяч в месяц.
00:04:17,930 --> 00:04:19,310 Восемь в месяц?
00:04:19,770 --> 00:04:21,970 Вот это дыра в кошельке.
00:04:22,050 --> 00:04:26,430 Вы можете получить кредит на консолидацию задолженности, отменить подписки,
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,540 изменить тариф, отдать дом под залог, и всё равно остаётся восемь тысяч
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:32,110 в месяц.
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:35,170 Но у меня ничего нет, пнятненько?
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,600 Работы нет. Школьные психологи никому не нужны.
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:39,920 Что же мне делать?
00:04:40,090 --> 00:04:42,760 Вы можете поискать работу в другой сфере.
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,250 Не думали поработать в иммиграционке?
00:04:47,010 --> 00:04:49,520 Помогли бы стране разобраться с нелегалами.
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:51,660 Иммиграционка?
00:04:51,790 --> 00:04:55,920 Я психолог. Я помогаю людям. Не сунусь я туда!
00:04:56,180 --> 00:04:58,070 Понимаю, у вас есть принципы.
00:04:58,620 --> 00:05:03,110 Просто зарплата у новобранцев где-то сто тысяч долларов.
00:05:05,410 --> 00:05:06,700 Что? Сколько?
00:05:08,590 --> 00:05:10,510 Ищите новую работу?
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,520 Идите в иммиграционку.
00:05:13,130 --> 00:05:16,990 Заключите контракт и получите бонусы до пятидесяти тысяч.
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,700 Бонус за контракт?
00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,650 <i>Нам плевать на ваш опыт.</i>
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:22,740 <i>Просто приходите.</i>
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:26,640 <i>Нам плевать, читали ли вы книги и созрели ли вы.</i>
00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:29,620 <i>Будь вы хоть психом, жирдяем или лентяем,</i>
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:32,160 <i>нам наплевать.</i>
00:05:32,270 --> 00:05:34,810 Я горжусь своей работой.
00:05:36,490 --> 00:05:39,370 <i>Иммиграционная и таможенная полиция.</i>
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,740 <i>Вы ищите работу?</i>
00:05:40,780 --> 00:05:43,580 <i>Вот вам работа.</i>
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:54,320 А теперь вы увидите, как Клайд Донован уничтожит политкорректных либералов.
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,400 Добро пожаловать на канал.
00:05:56,450 --> 00:06:00,540 Многих нытиков не устраивают мои слова, так докажите, что я неправ.
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:02,050 Эй, Клайд.
00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:04,860 Ты говорил, от евреев одни беды.
00:06:04,890 --> 00:06:07,760 А почему тогда бейглы такие вкусные?
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:08,270 Да.
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:08,960 Да!
00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:12,130 Учился у евреев? Их тоже не устраивает школа и Америка.
00:06:12,210 --> 00:06:14,110 Скажи, что такое женщина?
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:15,770 Что... Что?
00:06:16,220 --> 00:06:17,870 Я задал простой вопрос.
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:23,180 Женщина — это подруга женского пола, которая целует тебя.
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:26,010 Даже ответить не смог. Есть только мужчина и женщина.
00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:28,780 Наука и библия подтвердят. Такова правда. Дальше.
00:06:28,830 --> 00:06:31,620 Ещё один политкорректный ученик уничтожен.
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:32,950 Господи.
00:06:33,330 --> 00:06:37,050 Ты назвал женскую футбольную команду марксисткой фабрикой?
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:38,250 Всё верно.
00:06:38,410 --> 00:06:40,430 Мы разгромили мальчиков в сухую.
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:44,100 Сколько хочешь жалуйся на угнетения, но ты пользуешься «Айфоном»,
00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:45,660 а его создала наша система.
00:06:45,870 --> 00:06:48,970 Девочкам легко живётся в Америке. Такова правда.
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,110 Либерала уделали.
00:06:51,340 --> 00:06:53,460 Женщинам легко живётся, как и чёрным.
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:54,940 Чёрным всё преподносят...
00:06:54,950 --> 00:06:56,010 Мудила!
00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:04,540 Достало, что мои фишки воруют.
00:07:04,740 --> 00:07:07,590 Здесь есть только один мастер дебатов...
00:07:07,670 --> 00:07:08,440 Это я.
00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:11,060 Кто хочет подебатировать с мастером?
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:12,270 Так. Вот ты.
00:07:13,410 --> 00:07:15,350 Тупее причёски я не видела.
00:07:15,510 --> 00:07:16,200 Ошибаешься.
00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:20,800 БИБЛИЯ
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,630 Ты ненавидишь Америку и обожаешь аборты.
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:31,850 ЦЕНТР ВЕРБОВКИ ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ
00:07:37,050 --> 00:07:38,500 Мистер Маки?
00:07:38,670 --> 00:07:40,070 Да, это я.
00:07:41,270 --> 00:07:42,930 ВЫ НУЖНЫ ИММИГРАЦИОННОЙ ПОЛИЦИИ
00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:45,130 Присядьте.
00:07:47,290 --> 00:07:49,670 Почему вы хотите работать у нас?
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,080 Просто мне нужен нал.
00:07:53,610 --> 00:07:57,400 Работа ваша. Возьмите это с собой на осмотр и просмотр видео.
00:07:58,630 --> 00:07:59,810 И это всё?
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,700 ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ
00:08:05,130 --> 00:08:09,990 Сейчас мы покажем вам ознакомительное видео с главой внутренней безопасности.
00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:14,180 ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ
00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:20,280 Добро пожаловать. Я Кристи Ноэм. Глава внутренней безопасности.
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,460 Вроде милая. Симпатичная такая.
00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:27,400 Пару лет назад мне пришлось застрелить своего щенка,
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,780 потому что иногда важные дела оказываются трудными.
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:36,300 Ого!
00:08:36,340 --> 00:08:38,540 Нам нужны решительные люди.
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,450 Задерживать и допрашивать людей не лёгкое дело.
00:08:46,950 --> 00:08:48,020 Господи!
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,890 Как лицо внутренней безопасности, я поведу вас.
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:57,500 А вместе мы проследим, чтобы в стране все жили законно.
00:08:59,610 --> 00:09:01,640 Вперёд, новобранцы, хватайте их!
00:09:01,710 --> 00:09:03,800 Вместе у нас всё получится.
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:11,100 Надеюсь, презентация вам понравилась. По машинам. Вас ждёт первый рейд.
00:09:15,770 --> 00:09:17,710 ПРИМЕРОЧНАЯ
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,130 ЦЕНТР ВЕРБОВКИ ТОЛЬКО ПОГРУЗКА
00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:27,870 Не высовывайте руки и ноги из машины.
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:36,450 Заряжайте стволы. Готовимся к рейду.
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:39,240 Пнятненько.
00:09:43,070 --> 00:09:45,910 Эрик Картман на ваших глазах заткнёт либералов.
00:09:46,090 --> 00:09:51,180 Ужас. Кто дал тебе право указывать мне, что делать с моим телом?
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:51,960 Слушай.
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,250 Убьют беременную — умрёт и ребёнок.
00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:55,910 Почему убийство двойное?
00:09:56,150 --> 00:09:58,610 Пр-просто люди верят в разные вещи.
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:02,280 Дело не в вере, а в правде. Жизнь начинается с зачатия.
00:10:02,350 --> 00:10:03,310 Иеримия 1:5:
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,850 «Прежде я образовал тебя во чреве, Я познал тебя.»
00:10:05,890 --> 00:10:07,310 Мы защищаем слабых.
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,280 Вот когда начинается жизнь?
00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:12,320 Эрик, всё хорошо?
00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:14,640 Да, у меня мастер-дебаты.
00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:18,790 Ну, Эрик, хватит. Выходи из туалета.
00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:21,360 Я мастер-дебатирую со студентками.
00:10:21,750 --> 00:10:24,130 Как неприлично, Эрик. Хватит.
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,800 Мам, у меня появился спонсор. Придётся мастер-дебатировать.
00:10:27,970 --> 00:10:29,800 Левит 9: 1-8. Оставь меня.
00:10:36,340 --> 00:10:38,050 Новобранцы. Пора.
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,360 Мы приближаемся к месту, где кишат нелегалы.
00:10:41,430 --> 00:10:43,730 Давайте сразим плохих омбрэс.
00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:45,720 ДОРА-ПУТЕШЕСТВЕННИЦА ЖИВОЕ ВЫСТУПЛЕНИЕ!
00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:46,780 Рюкзак.
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:47,760 Рюкзак.
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:50,540 Рюкзак. Рюкзак.
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:53,820 Данный мультфильм в русской локализации называется «Даша-путешественница».
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,100 Я карта, я карта.
00:10:57,130 --> 00:10:58,870 Я карта, он карта.
00:10:58,940 --> 00:10:59,950 Он карта.
00:10:59,990 --> 00:11:00,850 Стоять!
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:06,140 Ладно, пнятненько.
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,390 Мы с допросом. Не сопротивляйтесь и...
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:12,250 Чёрт!
00:11:15,210 --> 00:11:16,590 Приём, шестая.
00:11:16,630 --> 00:11:19,680 Загружаем нелегалов. Конец связи.
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:24,780 Простите, пожалуйста, мне в месяц столько нала нужно.
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,590 Вот и рублю бабки.
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:30,000 ИММИГРАЦИОННАЯ И ТАМОЖЕННАЯ ПОЛИЦИЯ ПОГРАНИЧНЫЙ ПАТРУЛЬ
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,790 Молодец, солдат.
00:11:31,940 --> 00:11:34,030 Пнятненько. Спасибо.
00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:35,740 Наше дело трудное,
00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:38,740 но нам бы не помешало побольше таких людей...
00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:40,470 Что? Какого хрена?!
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:42,080 Ваш ботокс, мисс Ноэм.
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,480 О да. Исправь. Исправь.
00:11:47,990 --> 00:11:49,580 Ещё один трудный день.
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:57,020 Да. Да.
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,890 Да. Но тело внутри женщины не принадлежит ей.
00:12:00,070 --> 00:12:01,430 Это отдельный...
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,590 Эрик, что ты делаешь?
00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:06,260 Прости, мам.
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:08,970 Я опять мастер-дебатирую.
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,210 Твои дела становятся проблемой, Эрик.
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,680 Ты не понимаешь, у меня хорошо выходит.
00:12:14,750 --> 00:12:16,240 Аргументы крепкие.
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:21,470 Студентки вообще не готовы, я могу их разгромить и переврать самых умных.
00:12:21,690 --> 00:12:22,980 Как же приятно.
00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:27,220 Понимаю, что приятно, но не надо постоянно этим заниматься.
00:12:27,610 --> 00:12:28,690 Прости, мам.
00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:32,730 Выключай компьютер и дай бедным студенткам отдохнуть.
00:12:33,010 --> 00:12:35,740 Ладно. Не буду мастер-дебатировать.
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:41,300 Вы говорите про репродуктивные права, но ребёнок боролся бы за право на жизнь.
00:12:41,350 --> 00:12:42,300 Эрик Картман!
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,130 Прости, мам!
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,640 СРОЧНЫЕ НОВОСТИ ПРОТЕСТЫ ПРОТИВ ИММИГРАЦИОННОЙ ПОЛИЦИИ
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,280 Том, опять идёт протест.
00:12:47,290 --> 00:12:52,710 Тысячи людей собрались, чтобы выразить недовольство иммиграционной полицией.
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,950 Это настоящий произвол.
00:12:55,210 --> 00:13:02,160 Среди пострадавших в рейдах много добрых, усердных и верных людей, настоящих семьянинов.
00:13:02,230 --> 00:13:06,590 Я не сомневаюсь, что и в раю предостаточно латиносов.
00:13:22,290 --> 00:13:23,680 Дела плохи.
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:24,480 Пнятненько.
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:39,390 Не забывайте, задерживаем только слегка темнокожих. Коричневеньких.
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:39,980 Берегись!
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:52,470 Вон ещё один летит! Лови! Лови!
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,310 У меня вопросы о законности вашего пребывания.
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,450 Как вы попали в рай?
00:14:00,710 --> 00:14:05,110 А, я был добр к людям, помогал благотворительным организациям.
00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:08,510 Простите, нужны бабки, без нала никак.
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:10,300 Маки, на минуту.
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,040 Да, капитан?
00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:15,310 Ты отлично показал себя.
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,500 Молодец.
00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,470 Ого. Спасибо.
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:21,400 Президент даёт бонусы выдающимся новобранцам.
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,340 Я думаю порекомендовать тебя на получение...
00:14:24,350 --> 00:14:25,700 Не-ет!
00:14:26,180 --> 00:14:27,310 Держи!
00:14:30,810 --> 00:14:32,720 Шоколадным в раю не место.
00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:35,000 НАГРАДА ИМЕНИ ЧАРЛИ КИРКА ДЛЯ ЮНЫХ МАСТЕРОВ ДЕБАТОВ
00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:40,550 Здравствуйте. Добро пожаловать на церемонию награждения юных мастеров дебатов.
00:14:42,510 --> 00:14:47,560 Всё больше и больше молодёжи борется за Америку мастер-дебатируя.
00:14:47,750 --> 00:14:51,180 Сегодня мы чествуем старания одного юнца,
00:14:51,610 --> 00:14:55,080 он последние несколько дней мастер-дебатировал
00:14:55,090 --> 00:14:57,550 и выиграл не только награду,
00:14:57,770 --> 00:15:02,340 но и бесплатную путёвку в пятизвёздочный курорт.
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,910 Он проявил себя истинным чемпионом.
00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:12,320 Встречайте, лучший юный мастер дебатов.
00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:13,680 Клайд Донован.
00:15:14,590 --> 00:15:15,500 Клайд?
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,960 Нет! Путёвка на курорт моя!
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,590 Всё, Эрик, пойдём.
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:25,480 Всем спасибо.
00:15:26,070 --> 00:15:31,020 Акт о гражданских прав оказался ошибкой. Ну и лесбиянки грех в глазах божьих.
00:15:31,980 --> 00:15:34,210 Ты присвоил мою фишку!
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,740 Кла-айд!
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,550 БАНК САУС ПАРКА СБЕРЕЖЕНИЯ И ЗАЙМЫ
00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:44,740 Итак. У нас тут ваши квиточки.
00:15:44,870 --> 00:15:46,730 Посмотрим, как там ваша дыра.
00:15:49,930 --> 00:15:53,160 Вы получили бонусы за задержание мексиканцев.
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,790 Мы не задерживаем мексиканцев.
00:15:56,910 --> 00:15:59,680 Мы задерживаем нелегалов среди иностранцев.
00:15:59,940 --> 00:16:00,700 Понял.
00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:06,470 После учёта налогов и бонусов, у вас десять тысяч долларов в месяц.
00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:08,260 О, правда?
00:16:08,590 --> 00:16:11,550 Да. А нужно вам где-то двенадцать тысяч.
00:16:12,390 --> 00:16:12,910 Что?
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,330 На той неделе было восемь.
00:16:15,570 --> 00:16:17,590 У вас хорошая зарплата.
00:16:17,780 --> 00:16:21,480 Чем больше вы получаете, тем больше тратите.
00:16:22,010 --> 00:16:23,320 Как это возможно?
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:24,370 Ничего.
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,700 Получите ещё бонусы.
00:16:25,780 --> 00:16:31,640 Рефинансируем ипотеку, поделим на количество задержанных мексиканцев, плюсом костариканцы.
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:33,590 Стоять!
00:16:33,890 --> 00:16:34,820 Ни с места!
00:16:37,070 --> 00:16:38,570 Вон он! Сюда!
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,120 Маки, выйдем, поболтаем.
00:16:41,310 --> 00:16:43,100 Со мной? О чём?
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,320 В чём дело?
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,120 Поздравляю, новобранец.
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,800 Я рассказала президенту о твоих достижениях.
00:16:49,860 --> 00:16:51,640 Он поможет с налом и дырой.
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:54,060 Поможет? Правда?
00:16:54,190 --> 00:16:54,980 Да.
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,890 Мы посадим тебя в самолёт.
00:16:57,230 --> 00:16:59,070 Президент хочет поблагодарить лично...
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,630 Поздравляю.
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,920 Он пригласил тебя в Мар-а-Лаго.
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,370 Мар-а-Лаго?
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,030 Ух ты.
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,570 Успокойся! Расслабься!
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:41,650 Босс. Приземлился самолёт Иммиграционной и таможенной полиции.
00:17:41,830 --> 00:17:43,170 Знаю, тупица. Идём.
00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:49,860 МАР-А-ЛАГО
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,260 Приятель. Добро пожаловать в Мар-а-Лаго!
00:17:59,650 --> 00:18:02,490 А, спасибо, господин президент.
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,190 Какие у него предпочтения?
00:18:04,790 --> 00:18:06,270 Может, свалишь уже?
00:18:07,970 --> 00:18:10,810 У меня к тебе невероятное предложение.
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,410 Хотел бы ты заработать уму непостижимую сумму денег?
00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:17,450 Ну, мне бы сейчас, конечно, нала.
00:18:17,650 --> 00:18:19,390 Вот такое я люблю.
00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:21,690 В Мар-а-Лаго всё для нала.
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:25,800 Я тебя повышаю.
00:18:26,370 --> 00:18:29,130 Получишь доступ ко всем ресурсам Мар-а-Лаго.
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,540 Станешь новым лицом внутренней безопасности.
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,370 Но, господин президент, Кристи Ноэм — лицо внутренней безопасности.
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,640 В прошлом. У неё жуткое лицо.
00:18:39,810 --> 00:18:40,720 Что скажешь?
00:18:41,270 --> 00:18:44,110 Мне нужна высокооплачиваемая работа.
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:45,290 Отлично.
00:18:45,380 --> 00:18:47,020 Теперь займёмся налом.
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,700 Эй, Сатана.
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,950 Встречай новое лицо безопасности.
00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:54,970 Ого! Господи!
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,370 Я хочу уйти. Здесь так мерзко.
00:18:57,430 --> 00:19:01,090 Хотите, чтобы я намазал жопку Сатаны детским маслом, босс?
00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:04,560 Так, кажется, произошло недопонимание.
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,200 Пойду-ка я сделаю перерыв.
00:19:07,430 --> 00:19:09,770 Эй, да брось. Расслабься.
00:19:15,260 --> 00:19:17,000 Простите. Извините.
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:22,240 Рюк-зак, рюк-зак.
00:19:22,270 --> 00:19:24,820 Дора-путешественница, прости меня.
00:19:26,210 --> 00:19:28,230 ИГРАЙ И СМЕЙСЯ
00:19:28,590 --> 00:19:30,920 ИГРОВАЯ КОМНАТА ПОВЕСЕЛИСЬ В МАР-А-ЛАГО!
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:32,380 Клайд?
00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:36,570 Не сейчас, сэр. Я устал.
00:19:37,650 --> 00:19:41,030 Почему ты здесь, молодой человек?
00:19:41,590 --> 00:19:43,090 Не думал, что так выйдет.
00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:44,620 Я зарабатываю.
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:49,610 А, что ж, молодой человек,
00:19:56,110 --> 00:19:58,950 я вроде понимаю тебя, пнятненько?
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:06,220 Я знаю, мы все под давлением, и всем хочется хороших вещей,
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:12,330 но если ты занимаешься чем-то неприятным ради какого-то нала,
00:20:13,730 --> 00:20:16,120 с годами ты станешь грустнее,
00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,580 а хотелки всё больше.
00:20:19,180 --> 00:20:20,220 Пнятненько?
00:20:22,140 --> 00:20:22,680 Да.
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:24,270 Вы правы.
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:26,080 Но
00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:28,250 кто вы?
00:20:33,570 --> 00:20:36,890 Я школьный, сука, психолог. Вот кто я.
00:20:37,310 --> 00:20:39,520 Нам не стоит здесь находиться.
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,280 Хоть кто-то же поможет нам выбраться.
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,020 Подбила.
00:20:57,860 --> 00:21:00,240 Эй, Кристи, что происходит?
00:21:00,530 --> 00:21:04,280 Захотелось сменить лицо внутренней безопасности, а?
00:21:04,510 --> 00:21:07,980 Да расслабься. Твоё лицо незаменимо.
00:21:08,150 --> 00:21:12,210 Думаете, я не справлюсь только потому, что по моему лицу сходят с ума?
00:21:28,140 --> 00:21:30,330 Идём. Уходим отсюда.
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,440 Ты тоже, идём.
00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:36,810 Нашли. Нашли.
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,490 Отлично поработали.
00:21:53,870 --> 00:21:56,340 ЗООМАГАЗИН
00:21:56,380 --> 00:21:59,000 СЕГОДНЯ РАЗДАЁМ ЩЕНЯТ! ЗАБЕРИТЕ ДОМОЙ ВЕРНОГО ДРУГА
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:04,900 Переведено студией HDrezka Studio.

00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:02,915 <i>♪ MTV</i>
00:00:11,968 --> 00:00:13,230 <i>♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:15,405 <i>♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪</i>
00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:17,017 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:18,713 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:19,931 <i>♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,673 <i>♪ Gonna leave my woes behind</i>
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,674 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,373 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:26,547 <i>♪ I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,332 <i>♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪</i>
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,249 <i>♪ Come on down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,860 <i>♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪</i>
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,398 He's gone too far this time, dude.
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:53,791 The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.
00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:55,315 Bro, you just got to ignore him.
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:56,707 Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:58,361 when he's saying it all on a podcast.
00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,842 He actually said that all women are whores,
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:03,280 and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:04,715 Look, guys, just leave it alone.
00:01:04,716 --> 00:01:06,066 Don't give him any more attention.
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,718 That's easy for you to say, dude.
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,546 Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,506 he's spewing his stupid shit about.
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:12,506 Hey, guys.
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:13,811 Who are you talking about?
00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:14,509 both: Clyde.
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:15,901 Clyde?
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,251 Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:19,514 Hey, here he comes.
00:01:20,993 --> 00:01:21,993 Whatever, guys.
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,909 Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,433 You don't know a thing about the Jewish people.
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,653 Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,351 Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say.
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:32,353 If you guys don't like it,
00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,181 why don't you come debate me on my podcast?
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:36,965 We're not indulging your stupid podcast.
00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:38,402 Yeah, screw you, fat ass.
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:41,797 Wha-- what?
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,016 Now, as your counselor,
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,975 I want to try and understand why you're doing
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:48,804 all these bad things you're doing.
00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:52,633 The other students are very upset at this podcast.
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,591 And what makes you think you got to say
00:01:54,592 --> 00:01:55,898 all this stuff, Clyde?
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,205 Hey, I'm just trying to make my nut, man.
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:01,642 Y-your nut?
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,426 Yeah, you know, kids have it tough these days.
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:06,255 We got Xbox subscriptions, PS5, Steam subscriptions,
00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:08,432 Netflix, HBO, you want to order DoorDash.
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,217 My nut's about 60 bucks a week.
00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,305 So you know, as a kid, if you could do a podcast,
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:14,395 say some really divisive shit, then you could make your nut.
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:18,049 Well, Clyde, there's more important things
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,530 than a nut, mkay?
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:21,097 Like what?
00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,752 Well, like being nice, mkay,
00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:26,797 making people smile, helping people out.
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,409 That's why I became a counselor.
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:29,671 Yes?
00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:32,063 Mr. Mackey, I need you to pack your stuff.
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:33,108 You've been fired, bud.
00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:34,415 W-what?
00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:36,546 Government's doing away with needless spending in schools.
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,506 Get your things. Last paycheck's up front.
00:02:38,636 --> 00:02:39,898 What are you talking about?
00:02:40,421 --> 00:02:42,204 Hey, wait a minute, PC Principal.
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,467 Power Christian Principle, yes.
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,687 I've worked here for 26 years.
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,296 We appreciate your service to this school,
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,907 but the government's cutting back on unnecessary expenses.
00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:51,997 Well, what's more important than a school counselor?
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:53,825 Schools have one counselor now,
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,914 and he is the greatest counselor that ever lived.
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:57,655 Thanks for everything. Now, pack your shit.
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:02,834 But...
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,489 what about my nut?
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:21,591 <i> Hello, and welcome</i>
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:24,856 <i>to the "Clyde Donovan Podcast."</i>
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,599 Welcome to the Channel of Truth, guys.
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:29,991 You can't trust Jews,
00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,210 white people are the underprivileged,
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,559 and women belong at home.
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,864 I'd like to welcome our first guest
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,389 to the debate, Eric Cartman.
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,437 What the hell do you think you're doing, Clyde?
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:42,133 We're here speaking the truth about the Jews
00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:43,483 and the underprivileged white class--
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:44,614 That's my shtick.
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:46,790 Knock it off, Clyde. You stole my idea.
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,140 I don't know about stealing ideas,
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,011 but I do know about some amazing supplement powders
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,534 that are an absolute steal-- - Supplement powders?
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,057 HE-MAN supplement powders can really help you
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,146 bulk up and get-- - Are you fucking serious?
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,018 People are sponsoring you for ripping me off?
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,411 And it's really just the best way to get ripped quick.
00:03:58,412 --> 00:03:59,543 So be sure to get some.
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:01,197 And also, be sure to hashtag #RespectClydesAuthority.
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:03,068 What?
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,681 So after losing my job, I realized
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:11,251 I really better get a handle on how much I spend a month.
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:12,599 Yes, Mr. Mackey.
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,078 Looking over your portfolio here,
00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:16,908 it appears you've got about an $8,000 a month nut.
00:04:17,431 --> 00:04:19,346 $8,000 a month?
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:22,043 I had no idea my nut was that big.
00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:24,306 Now, we could get you a debt consolidation loan,
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:25,655 cancel your streaming services,
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:26,874 downgrade your phone subscription,
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,354 do a second mortgage on your house,
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,574 and your nut's still $8,000--
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:32,141 a month.
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,100 But I don't have anything, mkay?
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:36,536 I can't find a job.
00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:38,538 Nobody's hiring counselors anymore.
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:39,888 What am I supposed to do?
00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:42,804 Well, there are other career opportunities.
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:44,153 Have you considered...
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:46,155 a job with the I-C-E?
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:49,419 Help your country round up undocumented immigrants.
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:51,334 ICE?
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:52,988 I'm a counselor.
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,293 I help people.
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,121 I would never work for ICE.
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,080 I understand you have to have your principles.
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:01,082 It's just they are offering new recruits
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:03,128 about a $100,000 salary.
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:06,654 Say--say what now?
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,440 <i>Are you looking for a new career?</i>
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,573 <i>Why not join the I-C-E?</i>
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:14,443 <i>We have jobs available now</i>
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,881 <i>with up to a $50,000 signing bonus.</i>
00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:18,579 Signing bonus?
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:21,407 <i>♪ We don't ask for experience ♪</i>
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:22,757 <i>♪ Just show up</i>
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:26,630 <i>♪ We don't care if you've read a book or grown up ♪</i>
00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:29,590 <i>♪ If you're crazy or fat and lazy ♪</i>
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,679 <i>♪ We don't care at all ♪</i>
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:34,638 I'm proud to work for the I-C-E.
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:39,425 <i>♪ Immigration and Customs Enforcement ♪</i>
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:40,817 <i>♪ If you need a job</i>
00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:42,167 <i>♪ It's a job</i>
00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:43,778 <i>♪ To have</i>
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:52,612 <i>And now, watch as Clyde Donovan totally destroys</i>
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,310 <i>these woke liberal students.</i>
00:05:54,876 --> 00:05:56,180 Welcome to the channel, guys.
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:58,139 Looks like a lot of whiny babies have a problem
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,490 with what I say, so prove me wrong.
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:02,187 Uh, Hey, Clyde.
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,754 Um, you said nothing good ever came from the Jews.
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:07,844 But if that's true, why are bagels so yummy?
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,064 - Yeah. - Yeah!
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:10,500 Well, you've obviously been taught by the Jews
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:12,109 to have a problem with this school and with America.
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,155 So let me ask you this-- what is your definition of a woman?
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:15,113 Wait, now, what?
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:17,986 What is a woman? It's a very simple question.
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,510 Well, a woman is a lady friend
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,207 who, you know, gives you kisses.
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:24,339 You see, you can't answer the question.
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:25,819 But something is male or it is female.
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,342 Both science and scripture agree to that.
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,909 And that's just the truth. Next.
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:31,738 <i>Another woke student totally destroyed.</i>
00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:32,914 Oh, jeez.
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,828 Did you call the girls' soccer team
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:37,047 a Marxist indoctrination factory?
00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:38,397 That is correct.
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,530 We actually beat the boys 4 to 0, you know.
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:42,401 You can whine about American oppression all you want,
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,098 but you're using an iPhone made by the free market
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:45,752 to complain about a system that gave it to you.
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,406 Girls have it way easy in America,
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,886 and that's just the truth.
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,236 <i> Woke student totally pwned.</i>
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,541 Women have it good in America,
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:53,500 just like Black people do.
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,152 Black people have everything handed to them--
00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:55,980 Motherfucker!
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:04,598 I'm sick of people stealing my schtick.
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:07,601 If anyone around here is gonna be a master debater,
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:08,514 it's me.
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:09,472 So let's go.
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,212 Who wants to debate the master debater?
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:11,648 Let's go.
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:12,344 You right there.
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,477 That's the stupidest haircut I've ever seen.
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:16,218 You are wrong.
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,133 Leviticus 3:17 says it shall be a perpetual statute
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,874 for your generations throughout all your dwellings.
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:21,963 So you can shut up, Bebe.
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:23,573 You just hate America and you love abortions.
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:38,501 Mr. Mackey?
00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:39,981 Uh, yes, r-right here.
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,247 Have a seat, sir.
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:49,817 What makes you want to work for immigration enforcement?
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:50,818 Uh, well,
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:53,037 you see, I got a nut.
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:54,385 All right, you're hired.
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:55,475 Take this to the next station
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:57,389 for your physical and orientation video.
00:07:58,608 --> 00:07:59,827 Well, th-that's it?
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:07,398 You will now watch an orientation video
00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:10,011 featuring the Director of Homeland Security.
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:17,714 Welcome to the team, recruits.
00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:20,282 I'm Kristi Noem, Head of Homeland Security.
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,459 Oh, she seems nice, mkay? Very pretty.
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:25,982 A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,463 by shooting it in the face,
00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:29,420 because sometimes doing what's important
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:30,858 means doing what's hard.
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,211 Whoa. Whoa.
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:38,561 <i>Now, we'll ask the same determination of you.</i>
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,216 Because detaining and questioning people
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:43,348 is never easy.
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,048 Oh, God!
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:49,745 As the face of Homeland Security,
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:50,791 I'll be leading the way.
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,403 And together, we'll make sure
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,537 everyone is in this country legally.
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,844 So let's get out there and get 'em, recruits.
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,673 Together, we can make it happen.
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,590 We hope you enjoyed the presentation.
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,985 Please step through to the vehicles for your first raid.
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:26,913 Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:27,784 at all times.
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:34,964 Lock and load, recruits!
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:36,184 Prepare to raid!
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:38,969 Mmm-kay.
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,670 <i>Watch as Eric Cartman shuts down</i>
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,149 <i>these woke liberal students.</i>
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,064 Oh, my God.
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:48,674 What makes you think you have the right
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:51,111 to say what I do with my body?
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:52,026 Let me ask you something.
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,244 If a pregnant woman is killed and the baby dies too,
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:56,159 why is the killer charged with a double homicide?
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,945 Well, b--because people have different beliefs.
00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:00,468 It's not about belief. It's about truth.
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:02,252 Science confirms life begins at conception.
00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:04,124 So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5 says, before I formed you
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:04,865 in the womb, I knew you.
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,082 But it's just morality that demands
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,345 we protect the most vulnerable.
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,347 So let me ask you-- when do you think life begins?
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,393 Eric, are you all right in there?
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,177 Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:14,614 I'm just in here master debating.
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,311 Well, Eric, that's enough.
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:18,878 Let's get out of the bathroom.
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:19,662 I can't, Mom.
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:21,446 I'm master debating to these young college girls.
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:24,187 That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:26,015 Mom, I finally got sponsored by a protein powder,
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:27,888 so I gotta master debate for a couple more hours.
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,803 Leviticus 9:1-8. Leave me alone.
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:38,159 <i>All right, recruits. This is it.</i>
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:39,550 <i>We're heading to a location</i>
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:41,423 <i>that might be filled with illegals.</i>
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,686 <i>Let's take these bad hombres down.</i>
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:46,775 Backpack.
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:47,821 Backpack.
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,432 Backpack. Backpack.
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,133 ♪ I'm the map, I'm the map ♪
00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:58,874 ♪ I'm the map, he's the map ♪
00:10:58,875 --> 00:10:59,875 ♪ He's the map, I'm the map ♪
00:10:59,876 --> 00:11:00,616 Freeze!
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:05,969 Oh, God. Mkay.
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,581 We're just here for questioning.
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,279 Cooperate, and nothing bad-- holy shit.
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:22,158 Look, I'm really sorry about this.
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:24,684 It's just, I got a monthly nut, you know?
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:26,555 I gotta make my nut.
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,647 You did a good job in there, soldier.
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,040 Mkay. Thank you, Captain.
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,868 I know it's tough doing what's hard,
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,219 but we could use more men like you in the--
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,655 Whoa, what the fuck?
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:42,179 Your Botox, Ms. Noem.
00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:43,702 Oh, yeah. Fix me up.
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,529 Fix me up.
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,752 Another day doing what's tough.
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:57,498 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,979 But a body growing inside a woman's body is not her body.
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:01,372 It's a completely separate fetus--
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:04,593 Eric, what are you doing?
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,290 I'm sorry, mom.
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:09,076 You told me to go to sleep, but I started masterdebating again.
00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:12,209 This is really getting to be a problem, Eric.
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:13,296 Mom, you don't understand.
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,645 I'm getting really good at this.
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:16,256 I have my arguments down rock solid.
00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:17,910 These young college girls are totally unprepared,
00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:20,216 so I can just destroy them and also edit out all the ones
00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:21,479 that actually argue back well.
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:23,045 It just feels so good.
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,612 I understand it feels good,
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,137 but that doesn't mean you do it all the time.
00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:28,660 I'm sorry, Mommy.
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,966 Put the computer away and leave those poor
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,533 college girls alone.
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:33,535 OK.
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,145 I won't master debate anymore tonight.
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:38,626 Look, look, you can call it reproductive rights.
00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:40,063 But be honest, if a baby could speak,
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,325 it would fight for its right to live.
00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,369 Eric Cartman!
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:42,849 I'm sorry, Mom!
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:48,636 Tom, another protest today, as thousands turned out
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:51,160 in downtown Denver to voice their outrage
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,597 against the I-C-E.
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:54,991 This is just out of control.
00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,297 A lot of the people being targeted in these raids
00:12:57,298 --> 00:13:00,474 are kind, hard-working, deeply faithful people
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:02,085 who care for their families.
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:06,480 I have no doubt that there are many, many Latinos in heaven.
00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:23,585 Oh, this is bad.
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:24,455 Mkay?
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,380 Remember, only detain the brown ones.
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,034 If it's brown, it goes down.
00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:40,080 Jesus, look out!
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,307 There's another one flying over here.
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:52,396 Catch him! Catch him!
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:56,660 I just need to ask you some questions,
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:58,272 mkay, make sure you're legal.
00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:00,448 How did you get into heaven?
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:03,058 Um, I was really nice to people,
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:05,060 and I helped various charities.
00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:06,627 Look, I'm really sorry about this,
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,499 but I'm just trying to make my nut.
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,197 Mackey, I need a word.
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:13,026 Yes, Captain?
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,331 You did another great job out there, Mackey.
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:16,507 I like your style.
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:18,553 Oh. Thank you.
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,032 The President's handing out bonuses
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,207 to recruits that stand out.
00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:22,556 And I'm going to recommend you
00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:23,079 for the next set of bonuses that--
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:24,951 Ah!
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:27,127 Grab it!
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,393 No more brownies in heaven.
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,440 <i>Hello and welcome to the third annual</i>
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:40,357 <i>Charlie Kirk Award for Young Masterdebaters.</i>
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,230 More and more young people today
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,058 are learning to fight for America
00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:47,495 through masterdebation.
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:51,151 We're here to honor the recent efforts of a brave young man
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,543 who has been furiously masterdebating
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,981 for the past several days and has won himself
00:14:55,982 --> 00:15:00,115 not only this trophy, but also an all expenses paid vacation
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:02,248 to a beautiful five-star resort.
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:08,733 He has proven himself the true champion.
00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:11,170 Please welcome the best young masterdebater
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:13,608 of our time, Clyde Donovan.
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:15,349 Clyde?
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,876 No! That's my trip to a five-star resort!
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:23,357 Come on, Eric. Let's go.
00:15:24,706 --> 00:15:25,533 Thanks, everyone.
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:28,056 The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake.
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:30,929 And, I don't know, lesbians are an abomination of God.
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,671 You all stole my schtick!
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:35,891 Clyde!
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:43,116 OK.
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,030 We got some of your pay stubs in.
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,771 Let's see how that nut's looking.
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:51,558 Well, seems you got some bonuses
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,212 for rounding up the most Mexicans.
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:54,388 Shh.
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:56,868 We don't round up Mexicans, OK?
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,959 We just detain foreigners who might be illegal.
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:00,655 OK.
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:03,787 Well, after taxes and with your bonuses,
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,487 it looks like you've got about $10 grand a month to spend.
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:09,141 - Oh, I do? - Yes.
00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:11,666 And your nut's up to about $12 grand a month.
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,015 What?
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,496 But my nut was only $8 grand a week ago.
00:16:15,713 --> 00:16:17,802 Right. But you got a good-paying job.
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,542 You see, as you make more money,
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:21,545 your nut actually gets bigger.
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:23,590 How is that possible?
00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:24,331 It's all right.
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:25,810 If you can just get a few more bonuses,
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,768 we can refinance the house, divide that
00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:29,813 by the number of Mexicans you detained, and, of course,
00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:32,294 compound any Costa Ricans you might incur to the--
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:34,994 Freeze! Nobody move!
00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:38,606 Here he is over here.
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,261 Come on, Mackey. Need to talk to you outside.
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,263 Talk to me? About what?
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,439 What's this all about?
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:47,440 Congratulations, recruit.
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,790 I talked to the president about your accomplishments,
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:51,880 and he says he wants to help you with your nut.
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:54,100 Really? He does?
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,187 That's right.
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,232 We have orders to get you on a plane.
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,235 The President wants to thank you personally.
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:00,758 Congratulations.
00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:02,934 He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,285 Mar-a-Lago?
00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:21,823 Oh, wow.
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,708 Relax! Take a load off!
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,492 Boss, the plane is here
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:41,756 from Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,192 I know, stupid. Let's go.
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:56,987 Hey, buddy.
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,816 Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,993 Oh, thank you, Mr. President.
00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,213 What is his fantasy, boss?
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:06,172 Will you get out of here?
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:09,435 Listen, buddy, I want to offer you
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,828 an incredible opportunity.
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:12,612 How would you like to make more money
00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:14,267 than you ever thought possible?
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,618 Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,533 Now, that's the kind of talk I like.
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:21,839 Mar-a-Lago's for everyone that's got a nut.
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:25,800 I'm giving you a promotion.
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:29,108 You'll have access to all that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:32,502 I want to make you the new face of Homeland Security.
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,722 But, Mr. President, I thought Kristi Noem
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,419 was the head of Homeland Security.
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:39,726 Well, she was, but her face freaks me out.
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:40,771 So what do you say?
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,165 Well, I do need a high-paying job.
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:45,340 Excellent.
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:47,082 Now, let's take care of that nut for you.
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:50,781 Hey, Satan.
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:52,783 Meet the new face of Homeland Security.
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:55,002 Whoa! Oh, my God.
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:56,090 I just want to go.
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:57,396 This place is gross.
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,311 Would you like me to apply the baby oil
00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:01,096 to Satan's asshole, boss?
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,447 OK, look, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:07,189 I'm going to take a little break here.
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:08,668 Hey, come on.
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:09,800 Relax, guy.
00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:17,025 Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:22,377 Backpack, backpack.
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:23,900 Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:24,772 Excuse me.
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,302 Clyde?
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:35,477 Not right now, sir.
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:36,479 I've kind of had enough.
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:41,136 What are you doing here... young man?
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,051 Just trying to make my nut, sir.
00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:44,574 Didn't really want all this.
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,188 Oh, well, young man...
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,936 I kind of know what you're going through, mkay?
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:02,852 I know we all have a lot of pressures
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:06,292 and we all want nice things, mkay, but--
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:10,209 but if you're doing something you don't really believe in
00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:12,428 just to make your nut,
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:16,084 you're going to find that you just get sadder
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,391 and your nut just gets bigger.
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:19,914 Mkay?
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:22,656 Yeah.
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,179 I guess you're right.
00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:28,227 But... who are you?
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,581 I'm a goddamn counselor.
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:36,757 That's what I am.
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,586 This place isn't right for either of us.
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:42,197 There's got to be someone that can help get us out.
00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:57,081 All right. Got him.
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,259 Hey, Kristi, what's going on?
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:02,129 Trying to replace me
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,219 as the face of Homeland Security, huh?
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:06,090 Hey, relax, guy.
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,092 Who could replace a face like that?
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,050 Think I can't handle myself 'cause I'm a lady
00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:12,183 with good looks that drive men wild?
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,289 Come on. We're getting out of here.
00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:32,334 You too, come on.
00:21:35,555 --> 00:21:36,904 We got it. We got it.
00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:43,345 Another job well done.
00:21:43,867 --> 00:21:48,611 <i>♪ Loo loo loo, loo loo loo loo loo ♪</i>
00:21:48,698 --> 00:21:51,745 <i>♪ Loo loo loo, loo loo loo ♪</i>

00:00:01,523 --> 00:00:02,915 <i>- ♪ MTV</i>
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:11,967 <i>[theme music]</i>
00:00:11,968 --> 00:00:13,230 <i>- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:15,405 <i>♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪</i>
00:00:15,406 --> 00:00:17,017 - ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:18,713 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:19,931 <i>- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,673 <i>♪ Gonna leave my woes behind</i>
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,674 - ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,373 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:26,547 <i>- ♪ I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,332 <i>♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪</i>
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:31,814 - ♪ [mumbling] ♪
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,249 <i>- ♪ Come on down to South Park ♪</i>
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,860 <i>♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪</i>
00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:44,391 [indistinct chatter]
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:46,350 [angelic tones]
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,398 - He's gone too far this time, dude.
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:53,791 The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.
00:00:53,792 --> 00:00:55,315 - Bro, you just got to ignore him.
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:56,707 - Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:58,361 when he's saying it all on a podcast.
00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,842 - He actually said that all women are whores,
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:03,280 and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:04,715 - Look, guys, just leave it alone.
00:01:04,716 --> 00:01:06,066 Don't give him any more attention.
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,718 - That's easy for you to say, dude.
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,546 - Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,506 he's spewing his stupid shit about.
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:12,506 - Hey, guys.
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:13,811 Who are you talking about?
00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:14,509 both: Clyde.
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:15,901 - Clyde?
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,251 - Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:19,514 BEBE: Hey, here he comes.
00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:20,819 [kids booing]
00:01:20,993 --> 00:01:21,993 - Whatever, guys.
00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:23,909 Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:26,433 - You don't know a thing about the Jewish people.
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,653 - Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,351 - Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say.
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:32,353 If you guys don't like it,
00:01:32,614 --> 00:01:34,181 why don't you come debate me on my podcast?
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:36,965 - We're not indulging your stupid podcast.
00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:38,402 - Yeah, screw you, fat ass.
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:41,797 - Wha-- what?
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,016 MR. MACKEY: Now, as your counselor,
00:01:45,017 --> 00:01:46,975 I want to try and understand why you're doing
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:48,804 all these bad things you're doing.
00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:52,633 The other students are very upset at this podcast.
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,591 And what makes you think you got to say
00:01:54,592 --> 00:01:55,898 all this stuff, Clyde?
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,205 - Hey, I'm just trying to make my nut, man.
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:01,642 - Y-your nut?
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,426 - Yeah, you know, kids have it tough these days.
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:06,255 We got Xbox subscriptions, PS5, Steam subscriptions,
00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:08,432 Netflix, HBO, you want to order DoorDash.
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,217 My nut's about 60 bucks a week.
00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,305 So you know, as a kid, if you could do a podcast,
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:14,395 say some really divisive shit, then you could make your nut.
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:18,049 - Well, Clyde, there's more important things
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,530 than a nut, mkay?
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:21,097 - Like what?
00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,752 - Well, like being nice, mkay,
00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:26,797 making people smile, helping people out.
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,409 That's why I became a counselor.
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:29,671 [knock at door] Yes?
00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:32,063 - Mr. Mackey, I need you to pack your stuff.
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:33,108 You've been fired, bud.
00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:34,415 - W-what?
00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:36,546 - Government's doing away with needless spending in schools.
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,506 Get your things. Last paycheck's up front.
00:02:38,636 --> 00:02:39,898 - What are you talking about?
00:02:40,421 --> 00:02:42,204 Hey, wait a minute, PC Principal.
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,467 - Power Christian Principle, yes.
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,687 - I've worked here for 26 years.
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,296 - We appreciate your service to this school,
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,907 but the government's cutting back on unnecessary expenses.
00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:51,997 - Well, what's more important than a school counselor?
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:53,825 - Schools have one counselor now,
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,914 and he is the greatest counselor that ever lived.
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:57,655 Thanks for everything. Now, pack your shit.
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:02,834 - But...
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,489 what about my nut?
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:21,591 <i>ANNOUNCER: Hello, and welcome</i>
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:24,856 <i>to the "Clyde Donovan Podcast."</i>
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,599 - Welcome to the Channel of Truth, guys.
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:29,991 You can't trust Jews,
00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,210 white people are the underprivileged,
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,559 and women belong at home.
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,864 I'd like to welcome our first guest
00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:35,389 to the debate, Eric Cartman.
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,437 - What the hell do you think you're doing, Clyde?
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:42,133 - We're here speaking the truth about the Jews
00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:43,483 and the underprivileged white class--
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:44,614 - That's my shtick.
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:46,790 Knock it off, Clyde. You stole my idea.
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,140 - I don't know about stealing ideas,
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,011 but I do know about some amazing supplement powders
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,534 that are an absolute steal-- - Supplement powders?
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,057 - HE-MAN supplement powders can really help you
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,146 bulk up and get-- - Are you fucking serious?
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:57,018 People are sponsoring you for ripping me off?
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,411 - And it's really just the best way to get ripped quick.
00:03:58,412 --> 00:03:59,543 So be sure to get some.
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:01,197 And also, be sure to hashtag #RespectClydesAuthority.
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:03,068 - What?
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,681 - So after losing my job, I realized
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:11,251 I really better get a handle on how much I spend a month.
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:12,599 - Yes, Mr. Mackey.
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,078 Looking over your portfolio here,
00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:16,908 it appears you've got about an $8,000 a month nut.
00:04:17,431 --> 00:04:19,346 - $8,000 a month?
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:22,043 I had no idea my nut was that big.
00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:24,306 - Now, we could get you a debt consolidation loan,
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:25,655 cancel your streaming services,
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:26,874 downgrade your phone subscription,
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,354 do a second mortgage on your house,
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,574 and your nut's still $8,000--
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:32,141 a month.
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,100 - But I don't have anything, mkay?
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:36,536 I can't find a job.
00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:38,538 Nobody's hiring counselors anymore.
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:39,888 What am I supposed to do?
00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:42,804 - Well, there are other career opportunities.
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:44,153 Have you considered...
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:46,155 a job with the I-C-E?
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:49,419 Help your country round up undocumented immigrants.
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:51,334 - ICE?
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:52,988 I'm a counselor.
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,293 I help people.
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,121 I would never work for ICE.
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,080 - I understand you have to have your principles.
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:01,082 It's just they are offering new recruits
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:03,128 about a $100,000 salary.
00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:06,654 - Say--say what now?
00:05:07,263 --> 00:05:08,611 <i>[upbeat music]</i>
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:10,440 <i>ANNOUNCER: Are you looking for a new career?</i>
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,573 <i>Why not join the I-C-E?</i>
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:14,443 <i>We have jobs available now</i>
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,881 <i>with up to a $50,000 signing bonus.</i>
00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:18,579 - Signing bonus?
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:21,407 <i>- ♪ We don't ask for experience ♪</i>
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:22,757 <i>♪ Just show up</i>
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:26,630 <i>♪ We don't care if you've read a book or grown up ♪</i>
00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:29,590 <i>♪ If you're crazy or fat and lazy ♪</i>
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,679 <i>♪ We don't care at all ♪</i>
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:34,638 - [muffled] I'm proud to work for the I-C-E.
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:39,425 <i>- ♪ Immigration and Customs Enforcement ♪</i>
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:40,817 <i>♪ If you need a job</i>
00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:42,167 <i>♪ It's a job</i>
00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:43,778 <i>♪ To have</i>
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:52,612 <i>ANNOUNCER: And now, watch as Clyde Donovan totally destroys</i>
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,310 <i>these woke liberal students.</i>
00:05:54,876 --> 00:05:56,180 - Welcome to the channel, guys.
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:58,139 Looks like a lot of whiny babies have a problem
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,490 with what I say, so prove me wrong.
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:02,187 - Uh, Hey, Clyde.
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:04,754 Um, you said nothing good ever came from the Jews.
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:07,844 But if that's true, why are bagels so yummy?
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,064 - Yeah. - Yeah!
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:10,500 - Well, you've obviously been taught by the Jews
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:12,109 to have a problem with this school and with America.
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,155 So let me ask you this-- what is your definition of a woman?
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:15,113 - Wait, now, what?
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:17,986 - What is a woman? It's a very simple question.
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,510 - Well, a woman is a lady friend
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,207 who, you know, gives you kisses.
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:24,339 - You see, you can't answer the question.
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:25,819 But something is male or it is female.
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,342 Both science and scripture agree to that.
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,909 And that's just the truth. Next.
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:31,738 <i>ANNOUNCER: Another woke student totally destroyed.</i>
00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:32,914 - Oh, jeez.
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,828 - Did you call the girls' soccer team
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:37,047 a Marxist indoctrination factory?
00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:38,397 - That is correct.
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,530 - We actually beat the boys 4 to 0, you know.
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:42,401 - You can whine about American oppression all you want,
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,098 but you're using an iPhone made by the free market
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:45,752 to complain about a system that gave it to you.
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,406 Girls have it way easy in America,
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,886 and that's just the truth.
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,236 <i>ANNOUNCER: Woke student totally pwned.</i>
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,541 - Women have it good in America,
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:53,500 just like Black people do.
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,152 Black people have everything handed to them--
00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:55,980 - Motherfucker!
00:06:59,810 --> 00:07:02,116 [blows landing]
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:04,598 I'm sick of people stealing my schtick.
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:07,601 If anyone around here is gonna be a master debater,
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:08,514 it's me.
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:09,472 So let's go.
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,212 Who wants to debate the master debater?
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:11,648 Let's go.
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:12,344 You right there.
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,477 - That's the stupidest haircut I've ever seen.
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:16,218 - You are wrong.
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,133 Leviticus 3:17 says it shall be a perpetual statute
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,874 for your generations throughout all your dwellings.
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:21,963 So you can shut up, Bebe.
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:23,573 You just hate America and you love abortions.
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:38,501 - Mr. Mackey?
00:07:38,762 --> 00:07:39,981 - Uh, yes, r-right here.
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,247 - [muffled] Have a seat, sir.
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:49,817 What makes you want to work for immigration enforcement?
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:50,818 - Uh, well,
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:53,037 you see, I got a nut.
00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:54,385 - All right, you're hired.
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:55,475 Take this to the next station
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:57,389 for your physical and orientation video.
00:07:58,608 --> 00:07:59,827 - Well, th-that's it?
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,745 [indistinct chatter]
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:07,398 - You will now watch an orientation video
00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:10,011 featuring the Director of Homeland Security.
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:13,361 <i>[patriotic music]</i>
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:15,886 <i>♪</i>
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:17,714 - Welcome to the team, recruits.
00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:20,282 I'm Kristi Noem, Head of Homeland Security.
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,459 - Oh, she seems nice, mkay? Very pretty.
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:25,982 - A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,463 by shooting it in the face,
00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:29,420 because sometimes doing what's important
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:30,858 means doing what's hard.
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,380 [sirens whoop]
00:08:32,381 --> 00:08:33,599 [gunfire]
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,165 [dog yelps]
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,211 - Whoa. Whoa.
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:38,561 <i>KRISTI NOEM: Now, we'll ask the same determination of you.</i>
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,216 Because detaining and questioning people
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:43,348 is never easy.
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:45,481 [gunfire]
00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:46,699 [dog yelping]
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,048 - Oh, God!
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:49,745 - As the face of Homeland Security,
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:50,791 I'll be leading the way.
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,574 [gunfire]
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:53,794 [dog yelping]
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,403 And together, we'll make sure
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,537 everyone is in this country legally.
00:08:57,885 --> 00:08:59,668 [power tools whirring]
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,844 So let's get out there and get 'em, recruits.
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,673 Together, we can make it happen.
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,590 - We hope you enjoyed the presentation.
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,985 Please step through to the vehicles for your first raid.
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:26,913 - Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:27,784 at all times.
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,484 [sirens wailing]
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:34,964 - Lock and load, recruits!
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:36,184 Prepare to raid!
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:38,969 - Mmm-kay.
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,670 <i>CARTMAN: Watch as Eric Cartman shuts down</i>
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,149 <i>these woke liberal students.</i>
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,064 - Oh, my God.
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:48,674 What makes you think you have the right
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:51,111 to say what I do with my body?
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:52,026 - Let me ask you something.
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,244 If a pregnant woman is killed and the baby dies too,
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:56,159 why is the killer charged with a double homicide?
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,945 - Well, b--because people have different beliefs.
00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:00,468 - It's not about belief. It's about truth.
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:02,252 Science confirms life begins at conception.
00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:04,124 So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5 says, before I formed you
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:04,865 in the womb, I knew you.
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,082 But it's just morality that demands
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:07,345 we protect the most vulnerable.
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,347 So let me ask you-- when do you think life begins?
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,393 - Eric, are you all right in there?
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,177 CARTMAN: Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:14,614 I'm just in here master debating.
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,311 - Well, Eric, that's enough.
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:18,878 Let's get out of the bathroom.
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:19,662 CARTMAN: I can't, Mom.
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:21,446 I'm master debating to these young college girls.
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:24,187 - That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:26,015 CARTMAN: Mom, I finally got sponsored by a protein powder,
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:27,888 so I gotta master debate for a couple more hours.
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,803 Leviticus 9:1-8. Leave me alone.
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:35,809 [sirens wailing]
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:38,159 <i>- All right, recruits. This is it.</i>
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:39,550 <i>We're heading to a location</i>
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:41,423 <i>that might be filled with illegals.</i>
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,686 <i>Let's take these bad hombres down.</i>
00:10:44,818 --> 00:10:45,775 <i>[kids cheering]</i>
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:46,775 DORA: Backpack.
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:47,821 Backpack.
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,432 Backpack. Backpack.
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:55,523 [sirens wailing]
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,133 - ♪ I'm the map, I'm the map ♪
00:10:57,134 --> 00:10:58,874 ♪ I'm the map, he's the map ♪
00:10:58,875 --> 00:10:59,875 ♪ He's the map, I'm the map ♪
00:10:59,876 --> 00:11:00,616 OFFICER: Freeze!
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,880 [clamoring]
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:05,969 - Oh, God. Mkay.
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:08,101 [kids screaming]
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,581 - We're just here for questioning.
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,279 Cooperate, and nothing bad-- holy shit.
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,804 [gunfire]
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:18,721 [indistinct radio chatter]
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:22,158 - Look, I'm really sorry about this.
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:24,684 It's just, I got a monthly nut, you know?
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:26,555 I gotta make my nut.
00:11:26,773 --> 00:11:28,383 [door slams]
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,647 - You did a good job in there, soldier.
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,040 - Mkay. Thank you, Captain.
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,868 - I know it's tough doing what's hard,
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,219 but we could use more men like you in the--[muttering]
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,655 - Whoa, what the fuck?
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:42,179 MAN: Your Botox, Ms. Noem.
00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:43,702 - Oh, yeah. Fix me up.
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,529 Fix me up.
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,924 [engine whirring]
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,752 Another day doing what's tough.
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:52,494 [camera shutters clicking]
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:57,498 CARTMAN: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,979 But a body growing inside a woman's body is not her body.
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:01,372 It's a completely separate fetus--
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:04,593 - Eric, what are you doing?
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:06,290 - I'm sorry, mom.
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:09,076 You told me to go to sleep, but I started masterdebating again.
00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:12,209 - This is really getting to be a problem, Eric.
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:13,296 - Mom, you don't understand.
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,645 I'm getting really good at this.
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:16,256 I have my arguments down rock solid.
00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:17,910 These young college girls are totally unprepared,
00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:20,216 so I can just destroy them and also edit out all the ones
00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:21,479 that actually argue back well.
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:23,045 It just feels so good.
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,612 - I understand it feels good,
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,137 but that doesn't mean you do it all the time.
00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:28,660 - I'm sorry, Mommy.
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,966 - Put the computer away and leave those poor
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,533 college girls alone.
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:33,535 - OK.
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,145 I won't master debate anymore tonight.
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:38,626 Look, look, you can call it reproductive rights.
00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:40,063 But be honest, if a baby could speak,
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,325 it would fight for its right to live.
00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,369 - Eric Cartman!
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:42,849 - I'm sorry, Mom!
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,807 [shouting]
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:48,636 - Tom, another protest today, as thousands turned out
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:51,160 in downtown Denver to voice their outrage
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,597 against the I-C-E.
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:54,991 - This is just out of control.
00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:57,297 A lot of the people being targeted in these raids
00:12:57,298 --> 00:13:00,474 are kind, hard-working, deeply faithful people
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:02,085 who care for their families.
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:06,480 I have no doubt that there are many, many Latinos in heaven.
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:09,440 <i>[angelic singing]</i>
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:13,618 <i>♪ ♪</i>
00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:16,970 [sirens wailing]
00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:23,585 - Oh, this is bad.
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:24,455 Mkay?
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:28,198 [tires screeching]
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,380 - Remember, only detain the brown ones.
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,034 If it's brown, it goes down.
00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:40,080 Jesus, look out!
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:41,776 [gunfire]
00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:43,561 [dog yelping]
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,307 - There's another one flying over here.
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:52,396 Catch him! Catch him!
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:56,660 - I just need to ask you some questions,
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:58,272 mkay, make sure you're legal.
00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:00,448 How did you get into heaven?
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:03,058 - Um, I was really nice to people,
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:05,060 and I helped various charities.
00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:06,627 - Look, I'm really sorry about this,
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,499 but I'm just trying to make my nut.
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,197 - Mackey, I need a word.
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:13,026 - Yes, Captain?
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,331 - You did another great job out there, Mackey.
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:16,507 I like your style.
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:18,553 - Oh. Thank you.
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,032 - The President's handing out bonuses
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,207 to recruits that stand out.
00:14:21,208 --> 00:14:22,556 And I'm going to recommend you
00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:23,079 for the next set of bonuses that--[muttering]
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:24,951 - Ah! - [squealing]
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:27,127 MAN: Grab it!
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:30,391 [engine whirring]
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,393 - No more brownies in heaven.
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,004 <i>[dramatic music]</i>
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,440 <i>ANNOUNCER: Hello and welcome to the third annual</i>
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:40,357 <i>Charlie Kirk Award for Young Masterdebaters.</i>
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,230 - More and more young people today
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,058 are learning to fight for America
00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:47,495 through masterdebation.
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:51,151 We're here to honor the recent efforts of a brave young man
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,543 who has been furiously masterdebating
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:55,981 for the past several days and has won himself
00:14:55,982 --> 00:15:00,115 not only this trophy, but also an all expenses paid vacation
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:02,248 to a beautiful five-star resort.
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:06,252 [applause]
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:08,733 He has proven himself the true champion.
00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:11,170 Please welcome the best young masterdebater
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:13,608 of our time, Clyde Donovan.
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:15,349 - Clyde?
00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:19,570 [applause]
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,876 No! That's my trip to a five-star resort!
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:23,357 - Come on, Eric. Let's go.
00:15:24,706 --> 00:15:25,533 - Thanks, everyone.
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:28,056 The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake.
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:30,929 And, I don't know, lesbians are an abomination of God.
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:31,930 [applause]
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,671 - You all stole my schtick!
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:35,891 Clyde!
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,244 [keyboard clacking]
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:43,116 - OK.
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,030 We got some of your pay stubs in.
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,771 Let's see how that nut's looking.
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:51,558 Well, seems you got some bonuses
00:15:51,559 --> 00:15:53,212 for rounding up the most Mexicans.
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:54,388 - Shh.
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:56,868 We don't round up Mexicans, OK?
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,959 We just detain foreigners who might be illegal.
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:00,655 - OK.
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:03,787 Well, after taxes and with your bonuses,
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,487 it looks like you've got about $10 grand a month to spend.
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:09,141 - Oh, I do? - Yes.
00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:11,666 And your nut's up to about $12 grand a month.
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,015 - What?
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,496 But my nut was only $8 grand a week ago.
00:16:15,713 --> 00:16:17,802 - Right. But you got a good-paying job.
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,542 You see, as you make more money,
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:21,545 your nut actually gets bigger.
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:23,590 - How is that possible?
00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:24,331 - It's all right.
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:25,810 If you can just get a few more bonuses,
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:27,768 we can refinance the house, divide that
00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:29,813 by the number of Mexicans you detained, and, of course,
00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:32,294 compound any Costa Ricans you might incur to the--
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:33,514 [guns cocking]
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:34,994 ICE AGENT 1: Freeze! ICE AGENT 2: Nobody move!
00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:38,606 Here he is over here.
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,261 Come on, Mackey. Need to talk to you outside.
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,263 - Talk to me? About what?
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:45,439 What's this all about?
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:47,440 - Congratulations, recruit.
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,790 I talked to the president about your accomplishments,
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:51,880 and he says he wants to help you with your nut.
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:54,100 - Really? He does?
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,187 - That's right.
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,232 We have orders to get you on a plane.
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,235 The President wants to thank you personally.
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:00,758 Congratulations.
00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:02,934 He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,285 - Mar-a-Lago?
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:09,332 <i>[bright music]</i>
00:17:09,419 --> 00:17:12,727 <i>♪ ♪</i>
00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:15,643 [indistinct chatter]
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:20,822 [plane engine whirring]
00:17:20,996 --> 00:17:21,823 Oh, wow.
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:29,396 <i>♪</i>
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:35,837 [giggling]
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:37,708 - Relax! Take a load off!
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,492 - Boss, the plane is here
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:41,756 from Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,192 - I know, stupid. Let's go.
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,723 [giggling]
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:56,987 Hey, buddy.
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,816 Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,993 - Oh, thank you, Mr. President.
00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,213 - What is his fantasy, boss?
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:06,172 - Will you get out of here?
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:09,435 Listen, buddy, I want to offer you
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:10,828 an incredible opportunity.
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:12,612 How would you like to make more money
00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:14,267 than you ever thought possible?
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,618 - Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,533 - Now, that's the kind of talk I like.
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:21,839 Mar-a-Lago's for everyone that's got a nut.
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:25,800 I'm giving you a promotion.
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:29,108 You'll have access to all that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:32,502 I want to make you the new face of Homeland Security.
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,722 - But, Mr. President, I thought Kristi Noem
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,419 was the head of Homeland Security.
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:39,726 - Well, she was, but her face freaks me out.
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:40,771 So what do you say?
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,165 - Well, I do need a high-paying job.
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:45,340 - Excellent.
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:47,082 Now, let's take care of that nut for you.
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:50,781 Hey, Satan.
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:52,783 Meet the new face of Homeland Security.
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:55,002 - Whoa! Oh, my God.
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:56,090 - I just want to go.
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:57,396 This place is gross.
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,311 - Would you like me to apply the baby oil
00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:01,096 to Satan's asshole, boss?
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,447 - OK, look, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
00:19:04,795 --> 00:19:07,189 I'm going to take a little break here.
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:08,668 - Hey, come on.
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:09,800 Relax, guy.
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:13,413 - [yelping]
00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:17,025 Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:22,377 - [sniffling] Backpack, backpack.
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:23,900 - Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:24,772 Excuse me.
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,302 Clyde?
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:35,477 - Not right now, sir.
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:36,479 I've kind of had enough.
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:41,136 - What are you doing here... young man?
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,051 - Just trying to make my nut, sir.
00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:44,574 Didn't really want all this.
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,188 - Oh, well, young man...
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:52,712 <i>[emotional music]</i>
00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:56,324 <i>♪</i>
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,936 I kind of know what you're going through, mkay?
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:02,852 I know we all have a lot of pressures
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:06,292 and we all want nice things, mkay, but--
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:10,209 but if you're doing something you don't really believe in
00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:12,428 just to make your nut,
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:16,084 you're going to find that you just get sadder
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:18,391 and your nut just gets bigger.
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:19,914 Mkay?
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:22,656 - Yeah.
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,179 I guess you're right.
00:20:25,615 --> 00:20:28,227 But... who are you?
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,581 - I'm a goddamn counselor.
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:36,757 That's what I am.
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,586 This place isn't right for either of us.
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:42,197 There's got to be someone that can help get us out.
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:46,245 <i>[heroic music]</i>
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:51,815 <i>♪ ♪</i>
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,904 [gunshot] [dog yelps]
00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:57,081 - All right. Got him.
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,259 - Hey, Kristi, what's going on?
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:02,129 - Trying to replace me
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,219 as the face of Homeland Security, huh?
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:06,090 - Hey, relax, guy.
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,092 Who could replace a face like that?
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,050 - Think I can't handle myself 'cause I'm a lady
00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:12,183 with good looks that drive men wild?
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,229 [everyone screaming]
00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:18,538 [screaming]
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,196 [shrieking]
00:21:26,197 --> 00:21:28,069 - [screams]
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,289 - Come on. We're getting out of here.
00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:32,334 You too, come on.
00:21:35,555 --> 00:21:36,904 ICE AGENT: We got it. We got it.
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:41,690 [engine whirring]
00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:43,345 - Another job well done.
00:21:43,867 --> 00:21:48,611 <i>ALL: ♪ Loo loo loo, loo loo loo loo loo ♪</i>
00:21:48,698 --> 00:21:51,745 <i>♪ Loo loo loo, loo loo loo ♪</i>
00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:56,924 [bell dings]
00:21:57,011 --> 00:21:58,403 [gunfire]
00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:01,450 [dogs yelping repeatedly]
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:04,453 <i>[upbeat music]</i>
00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:11,417 <i>♪ ♪</i>
00:22:20,077 --> 00:22:21,340 [gunfire] [dog yelps]

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