Фу, член!

00:00:36,687 --> 00:00:41,526

Это всё, типа, вся моя жизнь получается один большой высер, понимаете?

00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,871

Я понимаю что, просто сексуально потерялась...

00:00:44,964 --> 00:00:47,336

И потом я вижу этого человека у Опры,

00:00:47,359 --> 00:00:50,269

Она женщина, но сделала операцию и стала мужчиной, но

00:00:50,408 --> 00:00:54,720

Но потом она забеременела и родила ребенка,

это значит, что она все это время была женщиной!

00:00:54,723 --> 00:00:56,831

Это значит, что я, все еще мужчина!

00:00:56,992 --> 00:00:59,710

Я все еще ощущаю себя мужчиной.

00:01:00,164 --> 00:01:02,143

У нас потом, вот по этому, тест будет?

00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:06,144

Смена пола была большой ошибкой!

00:01:06,755 --> 00:01:10,650

Все эти обезболивающие

и я думала, что это, то чего я хочу...

00:01:10,672 --> 00:01:12,534

Чувак ты математику подтянуть не хочешь?..

00:01:12,682 --> 00:01:13,593

А потом...

00:01:13,676 --> 00:01:17,401

Я пошла к доктору, вот, и сказала ему:

"Доктор, я хочу снова стать мужчиной".

00:01:17,405 --> 00:01:21,428

А он мне: "Слишком серьезные изменения, вы не сможете вернуться назад"

00:01:21,460 --> 00:01:23,630

"Где вы возьмете пенис?"

00:01:23,671 --> 00:01:26,453

В СМЫСЛЕ, ГДЕ Я ВОЗЬМУ ПЕНИС?!

00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:27,734

У ДРУГОГО МУЖИКА!

00:01:27,784 --> 00:01:30,445

Я ЗАСЛУЖИВАЮ ЧЕРТОВ ПЕНИС!

00:01:33,639 --> 00:01:36,295

Миссис ... Миссис Гаррисон!

00:01:36,656 --> 00:01:39,275

Можно с вами поговорить, пожалуйста?

00:01:40,019 --> 00:01:42,128

Что вам нужно, я пытаюсь учить...

00:01:42,132 --> 00:01:46,952

Мы считаем, что лучше для вас, сейчас НЕ учить,

пока вы не приведете свою личную жизнь в норму. Понятненько?

00:01:47,028 --> 00:01:49,462

Ооо, тебе легко говорить Меки.

00:01:49,566 --> 00:01:51,440

У тебя-то есть пенис!

00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:57,220

И таак дети, честно говоря у нас маленькая экстренная ситуация с вашим учителем…

00:01:57,227 --> 00:02:02,447

В общем, пока мы разбираемся с этим, нам нужно, что бы один из вас подготовил класс к завтрашнему тесту.

00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:03,453

Я! Я!.

00:02:03,495 --> 00:02:04,470

Я! Я,я,я!

00:02:04,723 --> 00:02:05,970

Я! Я тут! Я тут, тут!

00:02:06,089 --> 00:02:10,384

Эээ... кто, кто еще желает побыть учителем на день?

Кто-нибудь еще?

00:02:12,592 --> 00:02:13,412

Директор-виктория!

00:02:13,415 --> 00:02:13,974

Сюда!

00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,463

Может еще желающие?..

00:02:19,662 --> 00:02:20,770

Директор-виктория!!.

00:02:20,958 --> 00:02:21,369

Дирек!..

00:02:21,494 --> 00:02:24,077

Хорошо, хорошо, ладно Эрик, можешь возглавить класс.

00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:24,824

Да!!!

00:02:25,344 --> 00:02:30,535

Просто вспомните всё, чему вас там учил миссис Гаррисон,

а я вас вскоре навещу.

00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,687

Так, так, так.

00:02:35,985 --> 00:02:38,390

Кто теперь учитель...

00:02:38,956 --> 00:02:40,216

Ага...

00:02:40,383 --> 00:02:41,471

Кто учитель?!

00:02:41,581 --> 00:02:43,227

Ты не учитель, толстожопый.

00:02:43,305 --> 00:02:45,280

Мистер Картман, Кайл!

00:02:45,287 --> 00:02:49,830

И ты, будь так добр,

не перебивай меня,

если не хочешь быть вздернутым на рее!

00:02:49,844 --> 00:02:51,170

Дааа...

00:02:52,014 --> 00:02:54,111

Ага, тебе так нравится, да?...

00:02:55,328 --> 00:02:58,693

Ладно, Клайд, ты первый,

давай сюда.

00:02:58,770 --> 00:03:01,354

Даа, сейчас ты получишь Клайд.

00:03:06,423 --> 00:03:12,006

И похоже, что местный фермерский базар,

вскоре столкнется со своим закрытием.

00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:16,493

И еще одна новость сегодня,

переполох в Биокомпании Саус Парка,

00:03:16,588 --> 00:03:20,576

В связи с, искусственно выращенными, частями человеческого тела, на лабораторных мышах.

00:03:20,790 --> 00:03:24,817

Эта фотография, генетически измененной мыши, для создания человеческих ушей,

00:03:24,895 --> 00:03:27,771

Уже ощутившей на себе первые порывы несогласных.

00:03:28,031 --> 00:03:28,852

Чего?..

00:03:29,212 --> 00:03:32,493

Но ученые утверждают, что этот процесс может помочь тысячам людей,

00:03:32,559 --> 00:03:35,988

Которые были обезображены, и нуждаются в носах или ушах.

00:03:36,060 --> 00:03:38,866

Святой Уродливый Иисус.

00:03:41,196 --> 00:03:47,243

Используя обычные генетику, и специальный материал, мы можем вырастить почти любую часть тела на мыши, какую возможно.

00:03:47,309 --> 00:03:49,783

Вот та мышь, которую вы видели по телевизору.

00:03:49,856 --> 00:03:53,483

Когда ухо полностью сформируется, его можно будет пересадить человеку.

00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,227

Доктор, а что насчет пениса?

00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:00,318

Ну, пенис, это то, что мужчина засовывает во влагалище женщины.

00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:05,078

Нет, нет, нет!

Если, я дам вам часть своей ДНК,

вы сможете вырастить пенис на мыши, для меня?

00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,995

Вы не понимаете, производство очень дорогое,

00:04:08,172 --> 00:04:11,383

И мы раньше ни разу не пробовали с пенисами,

никаких гарантий, что получится нет...

00:04:11,424 --> 00:04:14,109

Я готов отдать все деньги, что у меня есть, лишь бы попытаться...

00:04:14,113 --> 00:04:17,322

Пожалуйста... Я мужчина, запертый в женском теле.

00:04:17,539 --> 00:04:18,904

Мне нужен пенис!

00:04:19,066 --> 00:04:19,790

Ладно...

00:04:20,098 --> 00:04:22,036

Хорошо, посмотрим, что мы сможем сделать.

00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:27,086

Эрик, мы вызвали тебя что бы, похвалить тебя за то, как ты справился с ролью учителя.

00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:31,126

Эй! Не надо хаять меня!

Это вина учеников, что они такие тупые!

00:04:31,241 --> 00:04:34,339

"Хвалить", значит, выражать благодарность за хорошую работу Эрик, понятненько.

00:04:34,366 --> 00:04:39,953

После того как ты подготовил класс к тесту,

твои одноклассники набрали наивысшие балы,

за все время тестирований!

00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:42,530

Что бы ты там не сделал, это реально им помогло.

00:04:42,593 --> 00:04:43,743

А, ну да, спасибо.

00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:48,346

Я считаю что, кнут и пряник,

для моих студентов, наилучший путь к знаниям.

00:04:48,347 --> 00:04:52,155

Эти джентльмены из окружного школьного совета Денвера,

хотят кое о чем тебя попросить.

00:04:52,496 --> 00:04:56,561

Молодой человек, весть о вашем успехе,

повергла весь наш учительский коллектив в раздумья,

00:04:56,661 --> 00:05:00,127

Мы бы хотели, что бы вы испробовали Ваш метод, на одном из наших интернациональных классов.

00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:03,097

Эти подростки, они просто не слушают никаких взрослых учителей,

00:05:03,174 --> 00:05:05,652

А так как вы, столь хорошо справились со своим классом...

00:05:05,741 --> 00:05:07,496

Вы не хотели бы попробовать?..

00:05:07,565 --> 00:05:11,252

Это звучит как шанс, серьезно повлиять на учеников которым это необходимо больше всех...

00:05:11,283 --> 00:05:12,879

Сколько вы мне заплатите?

00:05:15,026 --> 00:05:16,093

Три сотни баксов!

00:05:16,218 --> 00:05:17,645

Слышали, что я сказал, пацаны?

00:05:17,894 --> 00:05:21,320

Мои шикарные учительские способности, принесут мне, три сотни баксов!

00:05:21,331 --> 00:05:22,833

Ты НЕ шикарный учитель.

00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:25,950

Огада, весь класс набрал высший балл на тесте.

00:05:25,965 --> 00:05:30,413

Единственная причина, почему мы набрали высший балл,

это потому что взяли ответы на тест со стола Гаррисона!

И ты это знаешь!

00:05:30,476 --> 00:05:33,884

Даа, но чья идея была взять ответы со стола Гаррисона?

00:05:33,940 --> 00:05:34,891

Кенни!

00:05:35,196 --> 00:05:36,381

Ага, это была моя идея.

00:05:36,471 --> 00:05:37,124

А, ну да.

00:05:37,185 --> 00:05:41,565

Ну и ладно, я буду учить,

этих непривилегированных цветных студентов,

и реально изменю их жизнь.

00:05:41,624 --> 00:05:44,026

Ты хоть представляешь, что те пацаны сделают с тобой?

00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,724

Маленький белый карлик рассказывает им как жить...

00:05:46,773 --> 00:05:51,863

Тебя там, блять, убьют.

00:05:54,024 --> 00:05:55,174

Возможно, он прав...

00:05:55,248 --> 00:05:57,322

Нужно позаботиться о внешнем виде...

00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:25,032

Ученики, тихо!

00:06:25,104 --> 00:06:27,111

Уймитесь, пожалуйста!

00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,177

Можно минутку вашего внимания?

00:06:31,436 --> 00:06:35,727

Я предоставлю тебе свое внимание...всю ночь напролет, миссис Миллер.

00:06:36,815 --> 00:06:39,968

Ты довыделываешься Родригес! А теперь слушаем!

00:06:40,029 --> 00:06:44,894

Денверский школьный совет прислал специально приглашенного учителя.

00:06:46,392 --> 00:06:49,700

Это возможно ваша последняя возможность окончить среднюю школу.

00:06:49,934 --> 00:06:51,472

Я хочу что бы вы поприветствовали,

00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,992

Эрика Кардменеза.

00:06:56,778 --> 00:06:57,752

Здравствуйте ученики.

00:06:58,006 --> 00:06:59,782

Я Эрик Кардменез.

00:07:00,189 --> 00:07:01,610

Ваш новый учитель.

00:07:04,272 --> 00:07:05,681

Это что за твою мать?

00:07:05,765 --> 00:07:06,833

Я здесь,

00:07:07,144 --> 00:07:09,742

Что бы научить вас, интегральным исчеслением.

00:07:12,868 --> 00:07:16,144

Я думаю, вы будете очень довольны результатами, мисс Гарисон.

00:07:16,181 --> 00:07:17,594

Мистер Гаррисон!

00:07:17,651 --> 00:07:19,205

Простите, Мистер Гаррисон.

00:07:19,531 --> 00:07:23,898

Ваша ДНК, была пересажена, и отлично вживлена мыши.

00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:25,030

И так...

00:07:25,175 --> 00:07:27,828

Вот ваш пенис.

00:07:29,802 --> 00:07:31,893

Мой пенис выглядит великолепно!

00:07:31,971 --> 00:07:34,037

Да, это фантастический пенис.

00:07:34,110 --> 00:07:35,296

Примите мои поздравления.

00:07:35,379 --> 00:07:37,278

Как долго до того как он будет готов?

00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:40,720

В общем, формирование еще не закончено, но совсем немного.

00:07:40,782 --> 00:07:42,884

Дайтека, я посмотрю, правильно ли он ложиться в руку...

00:07:42,973 --> 00:07:44,782

НЕТ! Не открывайте!..

00:07:44,843 --> 00:07:45,628

О, Нет!

00:07:48,475 --> 00:07:50,723

Не дайте ей выбраться из лаборатории!

00:07:52,289 --> 00:07:54,029

Пенис мой!!!

00:07:57,021 --> 00:07:59,470

Стой пенис! Вернись сюда!

00:08:00,744 --> 00:08:02,801

Хорошо, все берите листочки,

00:08:02,886 --> 00:08:05,356

И передайте амигосу за вами.

00:08:05,438 --> 00:08:07,562

Э мужик, ты че ваще делаешь?

00:08:07,639 --> 00:08:08,537

Ахааа?..

00:08:08,684 --> 00:08:11,940

Мистер Кардменз здесь,

для того, что бы вы все точно попали в колледж.

00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,533

Попали в колледж?!

Мужик, мы не попадем ни в какой колледж!

00:08:14,631 --> 00:08:15,855

Пошел ты нахуй!

00:08:19,743 --> 00:08:22,619

Как мне достучаться до этих детей?!

00:08:24,110 --> 00:08:26,726

Причина, по которой вы думаете, что не попадете в колледж,

00:08:26,831 --> 00:08:30,432

Это потому что вам не объясняли, как нужно правильно жульничать...

00:08:30,531 --> 00:08:32,494

Как вы думаете, почему белые всегда пробиваются наверх?

00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:37,982

Потому что мы жульничаем всег.., всмысле, потому что они жульничают всё время.

00:08:39,115 --> 00:08:41,391

Это Билл Биличек.

00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,111

Тренер Ньюингленд Пэтриотс.

00:08:43,124 --> 00:08:45,461

Он выиграл 3 «Суперкубка». Как?

00:08:45,466 --> 00:08:47,312

Он жульничал.

00:08:47,385 --> 00:08:49,146

Его даже поймали за жульничество.

00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,518

И всем было пофиг.

00:08:50,569 --> 00:08:53,384

Бил Биличек доказал Америке, что жульничать это нормально.

00:08:53,482 --> 00:08:56,230

Пока ты жульничаешь - ты продвигаешься к вершине...

00:08:56,233 --> 00:08:58,193

Эй, я не хочу, что бы меня называли жуликом.

00:08:58,565 --> 00:08:59,356

Нет, нет!

00:08:59,460 --> 00:09:02,066

Если ты мошенничал и попался,

тогда ты - жулик.

00:09:02,192 --> 00:09:05,719

Если ты мошенничал и НЕ попался,

ты шариишь.

00:09:05,844 --> 00:09:09,511

Всё это херота! Я не собираюсь тратить свое время на то что бы учиться жульничать!

00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:14,420

Вперед. Дверь там. Покапока. Звони. Будем скучать.

00:09:16,564 --> 00:09:20,060

Как же мне достучаться до этих детей?..

00:09:23,465 --> 00:09:24,538

Мальчики!!!

00:09:24,756 --> 00:09:28,512

Мальчики! Вы не видели мой пенис?!

00:09:29,221 --> 00:09:30,067

Чего?..

00:09:30,135 --> 00:09:31,576

Мой пенис пропал!

00:09:31,711 --> 00:09:35,617

Если вы его увидите, попробуйте поймать его с помощью сыра!

00:09:36,973 --> 00:09:40,674

Ай, это рвет мне мозг...

00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:52,490

Ты в хорошей форме друг мой.

00:09:52,814 --> 00:09:54,885

Эй, я свалил из вашего класса, учитель.

00:09:55,082 --> 00:09:57,739

Слышь, я не хочу базарить с тобой на тему жульничества.

00:09:57,915 --> 00:10:00,143

А кто хочет базарить в такой прекрасный день?

00:10:00,220 --> 00:10:01,734

Как на счет сыграть разок?

00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:03,510

Эй Пейтано,

00:10:03,921 --> 00:10:05,378

Можешь последить за счетом для нас?

00:10:05,446 --> 00:10:06,898

Да не вопрос мистер К...

00:10:07,886 --> 00:10:10,054

Акей, ты в защите амиго.

00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,406

Ооо, Один к нулю, амиго!

00:10:19,609 --> 00:10:21,118

Ты жульничал!

00:10:21,184 --> 00:10:24,212

Какой счет друг?

Хорош, давай, твоя очередь.

00:10:30,876 --> 00:10:32,677

2-0 амиго.

00:10:32,822 --> 00:10:35,211

Иди ты нахуй блядь, так нельзя!

00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:37,988

Смотри на счет, амиго...

00:10:38,259 --> 00:10:43,911

Несмотря на то, сколько раз ты скажешь, что я жульничал,

табло скажет 2-0.

00:10:43,955 --> 00:10:48,304

Я в курсе че ты пытаешься сказать,

но я все равно не согласен с этим.

00:10:49,340 --> 00:10:50,901

2-0, друг!

00:10:50,995 --> 00:10:52,764

Два нооль!..

00:10:54,208 --> 00:10:56,972

Как мне достучаться до этих ребят?!.

00:11:03,107 --> 00:11:04,537

Что это?..

00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:16,867

Стивен! Стивен, иди быстрее!

00:11:17,045 --> 00:11:17,999

Что такое, дорогая?

00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,226

Пенис носится по нашей кухне!

00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:21,747

Пенис?

00:11:21,809 --> 00:11:23,805

Да! Он только что пробежал по полу!

00:11:24,008 --> 00:11:26,053

О, дорогая, успокойся.

00:11:26,092 --> 00:11:29,507

Сам себя успокой! Я не хочу, что бы этот пенис бегал по моему дому!

00:11:29,597 --> 00:11:33,160

Женщины, всегда боятся пенисов...

00:11:36,714 --> 00:11:37,883

Вон! Вон, ты видел?!

00:11:37,939 --> 00:11:40,064

Ооо, это всего лишь маленький пенис, дорогая.

00:11:40,168 --> 00:11:43,180

Ну и что, у него возможно всевозможные заболевания!

00:11:44,428 --> 00:11:46,612

Эй, погодите, мне кажется это пенис учителя.

00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:47,888

Пенис твоего учителя?..

00:11:47,993 --> 00:11:49,359

Да, это должно быть он!

00:11:49,541 --> 00:11:50,486

Баттерс...

00:11:50,537 --> 00:11:53,983

Откуда ТЫ знаешь, как выглядит пенис учителя?..

00:11:55,945 --> 00:11:58,889

Сегодня мы обсудим, один из фундаментальных способов жульничества.

00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:00,538

Заблаговременная подготовка.

00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:03,864

Когда Билл Биличек жульничал ради Пэтриотов, что же он делал?

00:12:03,938 --> 00:12:06,898

Он снимал на видео защиту противоположной команды.

00:12:06,918 --> 00:12:09,166

Думайте о защите, как о вашем тесте.

00:12:09,347 --> 00:12:13,158

Когда вам предстоит сдавать тест, вы должны также, снять защиту на видео.

00:12:13,313 --> 00:12:16,424

Узнайте, что будет в тесте, до того, как вам его дадут.

00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:19,518

И таким способом вы сможете...

00:12:20,516 --> 00:12:21,736

Я подумал что...

00:12:21,876 --> 00:12:24,565

Что возможно я могу попробовать жульничать...

00:12:24,836 --> 00:12:26,134

Присаживайся амиго.

00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:27,820

Хорошо, что ты вернулся...

00:12:28,532 --> 00:12:31,966

Хорошо. И так, когда Билл Биличек был пойман со своей камерой,

00:12:32,122 --> 00:12:35,888

Он не стал паниковать, он просто сказал то, что говорят все нормальные белые жулики, когда их ловят,

00:12:35,945 --> 00:12:38,576

«Я ошибся в интерпретации правил.»

00:12:38,771 --> 00:12:40,880

Это то что вы также должны говорить, если вас поймают,

00:12:40,991 --> 00:12:42,828

Я ошибся в интерпретации правил.

00:12:42,907 --> 00:12:43,485

Все вместе.

00:12:43,607 --> 00:12:45,496

Я ошибся в интерпретации правил.

00:12:45,592 --> 00:12:46,347

Хорошо, еще раз.

00:12:46,413 --> 00:12:48,390

Я ошибся в интерпретации правил.

00:12:48,495 --> 00:12:48,969

Еще раз!

00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,154

Я ошибся в интерпретации правил!

00:12:51,253 --> 00:12:52,614

Теперь вы говорите как белые люди!

00:12:52,691 --> 00:12:55,123

Я ошибся в интерпретации правил!!!

00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:59,703

В каком, черт подери, смысле,

вы говорите, что просто выгнали мой пенис на улицу?!

00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:01,130

Почему вы не позвонили мне?!

00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:04,992

Послушайте, Гаррисон, моя жена не хотела, что бы пенис был в доме, мне пришлось его выкинуть.

00:13:05,012 --> 00:13:06,839

Ну а теперь, где я его должен искать?!

00:13:06,933 --> 00:13:09,015

Он может быть где угодно!

00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,557

Срань господня!

00:13:15,156 --> 00:13:16,904

Кэррол, спускайся оттуда.

00:13:16,982 --> 00:13:20,531

Неет! Разве ты не видел этот пенис, только что?!

00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:25,092

Я уверен, что этот пенис,

сам, больше, боится тебя, чем ты его.

00:13:25,099 --> 00:13:26,489

Вы видели пенис?!

00:13:29,404 --> 00:13:32,043

Аааа!!! Он такой большой и отвратительный!!! ФУуууУ!!!

00:13:38,020 --> 00:13:39,277

Вернись сюда пенис!

00:13:41,592 --> 00:13:43,538

Вот ты где! Попался!!!

00:13:46,696 --> 00:13:49,343

Эй... ты не мой пенис...

00:13:52,484 --> 00:13:54,735

Вот он! Стоять!

00:13:56,405 --> 00:13:58,881

Ответ на 27-ой вопрос 5.

00:13:59,043 --> 00:14:02,048

Ответ на 27-ой вопрос 5.

00:14:02,158 --> 00:14:04,892

Ответ на 28-ой 14.

00:14:05,022 --> 00:14:07,981

Ответ на 28-ой 14.

00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,546

А блин в чем смысл?!

00:14:09,644 --> 00:14:12,440

А че ваще смысл а?!

00:14:14,924 --> 00:14:20,801

Короче, просмотрите страницу спорта, где говорится, что жульничество с командой Пэтриот, не такое уж и большое дело. Я скоро вернусь.

00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:23,939

Мелитта! Меллита подожди!

00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,459

Ты не можешь сейчас уйти!

00:14:26,637 --> 00:14:27,994

Ну же, что с тобой случилось?

00:14:28,087 --> 00:14:30,143

В этом всем нет смысла.

00:14:30,458 --> 00:14:32,423

Я не пойду в колледж.

00:14:32,579 --> 00:14:35,173

Я беременна, ясно?!

00:14:35,665 --> 00:14:39,240

Я только узнала... И Эдворд не собирается помогать растить его.

00:14:40,219 --> 00:14:43,218

Как мне достучаться до этих детей?..

00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:45,777

Ну ладно, давай сделаем тебе аборт.

00:14:45,823 --> 00:14:49,680

Нет, я католичка! Я считаю, что аборт это неправильно!

00:14:49,737 --> 00:14:51,163

Аборт это НЕ неправильно!

00:14:51,174 --> 00:14:53,441

Чему я вас всех учу?!

00:14:53,877 --> 00:14:55,585

Тому, что жульничать это хорошо?..

00:14:55,654 --> 00:14:56,352

Да!

00:14:56,576 --> 00:14:58,811

И аборт это наивысшая форма жульничества!

00:14:58,816 --> 00:15:00,504

Ты обманываешь саму природу!

00:15:01,708 --> 00:15:03,703

Почему белые богатые девочки, многого добиваются?

00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,091

Потому что делают аборты, пока молодые!

00:15:06,261 --> 00:15:07,344

Они беременеют,

00:15:07,413 --> 00:15:10,265

Но все равно хотят пойти в колледж, и, ну и хрен с ним, просто жульничают...

00:15:10,339 --> 00:15:13,580

Они жульничают с этим маленьким живым существом в их животиках, что бы иметь шанс в жизни...

00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,193

Ну не знаю мистер К...

00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,934

Мексиканцам говорят – не надо жульничать,

00:15:18,107 --> 00:15:21,000

«Не жульничай, ты беременна, расти ребенка!»,

00:15:21,081 --> 00:15:27,214

Поэтому тебе придется растить ребенка, пока белые девочки идут в колледж, и возможно будут делать еще больше абортов!

00:15:27,231 --> 00:15:29,648

Это самый сложный период в жизни...

00:15:29,932 --> 00:15:33,713

Когда мы должны жульничать изо всех сил!..

00:15:36,119 --> 00:15:38,847

И последний раз вы видели ваш пенис, позавчера?

00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,153

Так точно...

00:15:40,174 --> 00:15:41,973

Усы длинные или короткие?

00:15:42,017 --> 00:15:44,285

Короткие. И маленькие пушистые ушки.

00:15:44,379 --> 00:15:46,154

Пушистые ушки, ога.

00:15:46,243 --> 00:15:47,286

Нарисовал Митч?

00:15:47,365 --> 00:15:48,268

Думаю да, сэр.

00:15:48,383 --> 00:15:51,000

Похоже?

00:15:53,597 --> 00:15:55,550

Нет, нет, не так!

00:15:55,758 --> 00:15:57,205

Это просто глупо...

00:15:57,377 --> 00:16:00,622

Сэр, похоже, придется отправить подразделение в итальянский ресторан на кетне.

00:16:00,762 --> 00:16:01,630

Что там?

00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:05,015

Только что звонили, кажется, к ним ворвался пенис, и пытается съесть их сыр.

00:16:05,087 --> 00:16:06,206

Ну же, вперед!

00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:16,606

Что случилось?!

00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,081

Пенис!!!

00:16:18,615 --> 00:16:19,929

Пенис?! Где?!

00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,063

Вот он!!!

00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:29,217

Где он?!

00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:30,546

Смотрите, там!

00:16:31,830 --> 00:16:32,574

Бегом!

00:16:33,863 --> 00:16:37,330

Что пенис делает на моей кухне?!

00:16:37,404 --> 00:16:40,582

Эй! Даже не пытайся убить мой пенис!

00:16:41,952 --> 00:16:43,913

Дерьмо, нужно зайти с другой стороны!

00:16:55,157 --> 00:16:59,842

Кто-тооо, гдее-тоо...

00:16:59,930 --> 00:17:03,355

Влюблен в меня сегодня ночью

00:17:03,871 --> 00:17:10,216

Смотрит на туже луну и также волшебно поет

00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:13,858

Кто-то, где-то...

00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:18,018

Чувствует мое отчаяние

чувствует твое отчаяние...

00:17:18,251 --> 00:17:20,759

И та же луна заставляет их задуматься...

00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:21,953

Вот он!!!

00:17:28,171 --> 00:17:28,824

Нет! Неет!!!

00:17:29,046 --> 00:17:30,022

Нееет!!!

00:17:30,578 --> 00:17:31,532

Нет!..

00:17:32,299 --> 00:17:34,110

Теперь шансов нет...

00:17:34,138 --> 00:17:36,056

Нет! Мы сможем его найти!..

00:17:36,095 --> 00:17:39,338

Прости Гаррисон, но твой пенис пропал...

00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:41,656

Боюсь, мы больше ничего не можем сделать.

00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:43,832

Тебе придется смериться быть женщиной.

00:17:44,384 --> 00:17:45,432

Очень страшной.

00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,329

Пошли мужики.

00:17:49,476 --> 00:17:53,237

Ученики, я хочу поздравить вас, с вашими невероятными оценками за тест.

00:17:53,332 --> 00:17:56,347

Школьный совет очень впечатлен вашими успехами.

00:17:56,414 --> 00:18:00,767

И они собираются отправить вас на единый гос. экзамен,

00:18:00,851 --> 00:18:03,215

За счет колледжа!

00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:08,159

Этот тест будет проходить в частном, неизвестном месте, и под максимальным контролем,

00:18:08,237 --> 00:18:12,044

Что бы абсолютно исключить любой вид списывания.

00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:13,568

Э чего?..

00:18:13,653 --> 00:18:17,591

Тест будет завтра,

заставьте нас, гордится собой.

00:18:19,002 --> 00:18:21,268

Наблюдать за нами в неизвестном месте?..

00:18:21,302 --> 00:18:23,516

Теперь они узнают, что все это время мы жульничали.

00:18:23,631 --> 00:18:28,091

Я так и знал мужик! Ты заставил нас поверить в твой метод, а теперь всё или ничего!

00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:31,224

Это не всё или ничего,.. если хорошо подготовиться можно списывать прямо перед ними!

00:18:31,224 --> 00:18:33,818

Заткни хлеборезку, ты всех нас нереально апустил!

00:18:33,884 --> 00:18:37,664

КАК МНЕ ДОСТУЧАТЬСЯ ДО ЭТИХ ДЕТЕЙ?!?!

00:18:39,987 --> 00:18:41,992

Как раз перед последним «Суперкубком»...

00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,845

Бил Билличек собрал свою команду и сказал.

00:18:44,909 --> 00:18:46,868

Давайте выиграем эту игру по-настоящему...

00:18:46,874 --> 00:18:48,201

Хотя бы один раз!..

00:18:48,283 --> 00:18:49,986

Не будем жульничать...

00:18:49,989 --> 00:18:51,349

Знаете, что случилось?..

00:18:51,415 --> 00:18:53,613

Они проиграли.

00:18:54,150 --> 00:18:56,880

Даже если вы чувствуете, что все взгляды устремлены на вас,

00:18:56,931 --> 00:18:59,730

Вы не должны прекращать жульничать.

00:18:59,761 --> 00:19:02,571

Иначе вы проиграете самую серьезную игру в вашей жизни...

00:19:03,670 --> 00:19:06,508

Да, давайте же! Мы можем справится, народ!

00:19:06,723 --> 00:19:08,428

Вы настоящие приспособленцы.

00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:09,703

Завтра, вы докажите это.

00:19:09,963 --> 00:19:14,252

Мы начнем с прошлой темы, как сделать шпоры на этикетках ваших бутылок.

00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:23,226

Ты сам во всем виноват, Гаррисон.

00:19:24,098 --> 00:19:30,560

Поверил в дурацкий генетический эксперимент,

теперь все деньги пропали вместе с пенисом.

00:19:36,118 --> 00:19:37,158

Что за?..

00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:42,955

Чт?..

00:19:43,038 --> 00:19:45,074

Это мой пенис...

00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:48,857

Мой пенис вернулся.

00:19:49,065 --> 00:19:50,500

Но почему?..

00:19:55,289 --> 00:19:56,577

Видимо это правда...

00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,640

Что все говорят,

00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,107

Если любишь свой пенис,

00:20:01,163 --> 00:20:03,196

Отпусти его...

00:20:05,466 --> 00:20:12,917

Единый Гос. Экзамен, признается как один из самых сложных, и тщательно контролируемых тестов, в нашей стране.

00:20:12,928 --> 00:20:17,606

24 наших студента, прошли тест.

И все 24 набрали,

00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:20,351

100%!

00:20:22,557 --> 00:20:24,105

А, можно, мы кое-что скажем?

00:20:24,253 --> 00:20:25,080

Конечно!

00:20:25,263 --> 00:20:30,045

Мы хотим посвятить эту награду,

человеку, который научил нас методу белых людей!

00:20:30,154 --> 00:20:32,359

Мистер Кардманаз!

00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:48,743

Я достучался до этих ребят!

00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:55,228

Ученики и учителя, пожалуйста, положите ваши руки одну на другую, и помогите мне поприветствовать возращение...

00:20:55,409 --> 00:20:59,673

Мистера Гаррисона!

00:21:03,338 --> 00:21:04,759

Спасибо всем!!!

00:21:04,890 --> 00:21:06,404

Как хорошо вернутся назад!

00:21:06,668 --> 00:21:08,274

Я теперь снова мужчина.

00:21:08,442 --> 00:21:11,440

Спасибо одному моему новому, особенному, другу.

00:21:13,491 --> 00:21:14,664

Но знаете что...

00:21:14,742 --> 00:21:18,124

Я осознал, что все это время, на самом деле, я был чуваком.

00:21:18,279 --> 00:21:21,309

Потому что ключевая разница между мужчиной и женщиной,

00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,993

Это то, что женщины, могут иметь детей.

00:21:24,140 --> 00:21:28,247

Если ты не можешь иметь детей, значит ты - мужчина.

00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:32,466

Ээ, погодите секунду, у моей жены клеточный рак.

00:21:32,555 --> 00:21:35,283

Поэтому она не может иметь детей.

00:21:35,340 --> 00:21:40,434

Ну так пройди тест на СПИД, Томсон, потому что твоя жена - мужик, пидар.

00:21:41,598 --> 00:21:44,587

Да!!! Я вернулся!!!

00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,911

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,412

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:15,081

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:16,415

♪ Going down to South Park ♪

00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:18,417

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:19,952

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,687

♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:22,822

♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪

00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:25,057

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:28,327

♪ ( mumbling ) ♪

00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:29,562

♪ Come on down to South Park ♪

00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,664

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪

00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:35,935

( school bell ringing )

00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:41,373

It's like my whole life has just been

one big screw up, you know ?

00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:44,577

I admit it, I was--

I was sexually lost, I--

00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,213

and then I see this person on Oprah.

00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:48,013

She's a woman,

00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,815

but then she got a sex change

and became a man,

00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,951

but then she got pregnant

and is having a baby

00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,453

which means she's still

a woman all along.

00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:57,089

That means I'm really still a man !

00:00:57,124 --> 00:01:00,159

I still feel like a man !

00:01:00,193 --> 00:01:01,927

Are we gonna get tested on this ?

00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:06,532

This sex change was a big mistake.

Okay ?

00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,534

I was on a lot of

pain killers at the time,

00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,936

and I thought it was what I wanted.

00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,571

Dude, you wanna do

some math problems ?

00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:15,074

And then I go to the doctor, right,

00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,243

and I say, "doctor, I wanna

go back to being a man."

00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:19,545

And he says,

"Well, there's been too much damage.

00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,313

"You can't go back.

00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,616

Where are you gonna find a penis ?"

00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:26,118

What do you mean,

"Where am I gonna find a penis ?"

00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,786

I'm a man !

00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,156

I deserve a God damned penis !

00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,124

Agh !

00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,526

Ugh !

00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,262

( Principal Victoria )

Mr. Garr-- Mr. Garrison ?!

00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:39,832

Could we speak with you, please ?

00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:42,268

What do you want ?

I'm trying to teach.

00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:44,270

Uh, we think it's best you not teach

00:01:44,304 --> 00:01:47,039

until you get your personal

life in order, m'kay ?

00:01:47,073 --> 00:01:49,508

Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey.

00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,410

You have a penis !

00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:54,346

Okay, students, uh, obviously we've

00:01:54,381 --> 00:01:56,682

had a little emergency with your teacher,

00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:58,317

so while we deal with this,

00:01:58,351 --> 00:01:59,919

we need one of you to lead the class

00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,987

and review for tomorrow's quiz.

00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,756

Oh, me, me, me !

00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:04,657

Me, me, me !

00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:06,025

Me, right here, right here, right here !

00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:09,228

Uh, who else would

like to be teacher for the day ?

00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:10,563

Anybody else ?

00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:13,766

Ugh, hughghghh !

Principal Victoria, over here !

00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,833

Ungh !

00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,304

Any other volunteers perhaps ?

00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:21,507

Hughghghh !

Principal Victoria, Principal...

00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:24,143

All right, all right, fine.

Eric, you lead the class.

00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,177

Yes !

00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:26,312

Now just lead a review over

00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,880

whatever Mr. Garrison's

been teaching you

00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:30,149

and I'll be back

to check on your shortly.

00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:38,958

Well, well, well... who's teacher now ?

00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,293

Yeah, who's teacher ?

00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,495

You're not the teacher, fat ass.

00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,197

That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle !

00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:47,266

And you will be wise

not to interrupt my class

00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,668

unless you want to be suspended !

00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,804

Yeah.

00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:55,307

Mmm, yeah, you like that ?

00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:56,875

All right, Clyde, you're first.

00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,544

Get up here.

00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:01,313

Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.

00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,951

( sobbing )

00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,353

( reporter )

And so it appears

00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:12,091

that the local farmers' market

could be soon facing complete closure.

00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,325

In other news tonight,

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,629

a South Park bio company is

coming under fire

00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:17,563

for genetically engineering

00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:20,566

body parts onto laboratory mice.

00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:24,770

This picture of a mouse

genetically altered to grow a human ear

00:03:24,804 --> 00:03:27,873

has already sparked waves of protest.

00:03:27,907 --> 00:03:28,941

What ?

00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:31,944

But the scientists say the process

could help thousands of people

00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:36,248

who have become disfigured

and need ears or noses.

00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,150

Holy freakin' Jesus.

00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,656

Using common genetics

and cartilage scaffolding,

00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:46,158

we can graft almost any

body part onto a mouse

00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:47,259

and allow it to develop.

00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:49,495

Here's the mouse you saw

on television.

00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:53,299

Once the ear fully forms,

it can be transplanted onto a person.

00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,734

Doctor, what about a penis ?

00:03:55,769 --> 00:04:00,372

Well, a penis is something a

man puts into a woman's vagina.

00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,975

No, no, if I gave you some of my DNA,

00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:04,743

could you grow a penis

on a mouse for me ?

00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,911

You don't understand,

00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:08,013

doing this stuff is very expensive,

00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,682

and we've never tried a penis before--

00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:11,216

there's no guarantee it would work.

00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,086

I will give you all the money

I have to just try.

00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:14,920

Please !

00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:17,556

Doctor, I'm a man trapped in

a woman's body.

00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:18,857

I need a penis.

00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:21,126

All right, all right,

let's see what we can do.

00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,763

Eric, we've called you in

to commend you

00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,166

for your role as student teacher.

00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,600

Hey, don't commend me !

00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,569

It's the students fault

for being so stupid !

00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:34,139

"Commend" means you've done

a great job, Eric, m'kay ?

00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,008

After leading your

class through review,

00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:39,411

your schoolmates scored higher than

they ever have on their tests.

00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,414

Whatever you did

really worked on them.

00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,248

Oh, well, thank you.

00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,851

I believe strict discipline

along with compassion

00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:47,753

for my students is

catamite to their learning.

00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:49,788

These gentlemen from

the Denver County school board

00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,057

have something they want to ask you.

00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,326

Young man, word of your

success as a student teacher

00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:56,295

has started the whole board thinking.

00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:59,698

We would like you to try your methods

on one of our inner-city school classes.

00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,468

These kids just won't listen

to any adult teachers,

00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,371

and since you handled

your class so well...

00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:06,972

How'd you like to give it a shot ?

00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:09,208

That sounds like a chance

to really make an impact

00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:10,676

on some students who need it most.

00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,378

How much will you pay me ?

00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:15,914

300 bucks !

00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,516

Did you hear what I said, you guys ?

00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:20,786

My awesome teaching skills

is gonna earn me 300 bucks !

00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:22,721

You're not an awesome teacher.

00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,924

Whatever, the whole class scored

super high on the tests.

00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,893

The only reason we scored high

was because we took the answers

00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:29,795

out of Garrison's desk, and you know it !

00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,163

Yes, but whose idea was it

00:05:31,197 --> 00:05:33,532

to take the answers

out of Garrison's desk ?

00:05:33,566 --> 00:05:34,299

Kenny's !

00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,869

- Yeah, that was my idea.

- Oh, yeah.

00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:39,538

But whatever, I'm gonna go teach

those underprivileged inner-city students

00:05:39,572 --> 00:05:41,774

and really turn their lives around.

00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:43,809

Do you know what

those kids are going to do to you ?

00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,645

A little middle-class white boy

telling them what to do ?

00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:49,681

They are going to

fucking murder you.

00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,020

Maybe he's right.

00:05:55,054 --> 00:05:57,489

I better be careful how I look.

00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,561

( razor buzzing )

00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:06,265

( school bell ringing )

00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,638

( metal detector beeping )

00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:23,215

( all talking )

00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:24,950

Students, quiet !

00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:27,386

Quiet please !

00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:31,356

Give me your attention !

00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,624

I'll give you my attention...

00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:35,127

All night long, Mrs. Miller.

00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,664

You're on thin ice, Rodriguez !

00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:39,765

Now listen up.

00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:44,369

The Denver County school board

has sent over a special guest teacher.

00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,138

[all]:

Ooooohhhhh !

00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:49,641

This may be your last shot at

graduating from high school at all !

00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:53,712

I want you to welcome...

Eric Cartmanez.

00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:58,050

( speaking with Spanish accent )

Hello, students.

00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:01,787

I am Eric Cartmanez,

your new teacher.

00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,557

What the hell is this ?

00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,161

I am here...

To teach you calculus.

00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:15,901

I think you're going to be very pleased

with the progress, Ms. Garrison.

00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,269

Mr. Garrison !

00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:19,271

Sorry, Mr. Garrison.

00:07:19,305 --> 00:07:23,509

Your DNA has replicated and grafted

very successfully with the mouse.

00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:28,247

And so... here's your penis.

00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,650

Wow, my penis looks great !

00:07:31,684 --> 00:07:33,685

Yes, it's a fantastic penis.

00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,287

Congratulations.

00:07:35,321 --> 00:07:36,855

How long before it's ready ?

00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:40,459

Well, it still has some forming to do,

but fairly soon.

00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:42,494

Let me see if it feels right in my hand.

00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:43,829

No, don't open the--

00:07:43,863 --> 00:07:45,297

- (mouse squeaking)

- Oh, no !

00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:48,100

( mouse squeaking )

00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,868

Don't let it get out of the lab !

00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,605

My penis !

00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,544

Stop, penis !

Come back here !

00:08:00,446 --> 00:08:02,581

Okay, everyone take a silly bus

00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,150

and pass it to the amigo behind you.

00:08:05,184 --> 00:08:07,352

Hey, man, what the hell do

you think you're doing ?

00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,654

Yeah !

00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:11,723

Mr. Cartmanez is here to make

sure you all get into college.

00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:12,791

Getting into college ?!

00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,894

Man, we ain't getting into no college !

Fuck you !

00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,463

[all jabbering]

00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:24,036

(sighs)

How do I reeech these keeeds?

00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,038

The reason that you think

you can't get into college,

00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:27,906

is because you haven't been taught

00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,108

how to cheat properly.

00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,844

How do you think

white people always get ahead ?

00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:34,446

Because we cheat all the time--

00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,249

I mean because

they cheat all the time.

00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,186

This is Bill Beeelichick,

00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:42,921

coach of the New England Patriots.

00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,523

He's won three Super Bowls.

00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:47,125

How ?

He cheated.

00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,195

He even got caught cheating

and nobody cared.

00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:53,231

Bill Beeelichick proved that

in America it's okay to cheat,

00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:56,101

as long as you cheat your way to the top.

00:08:56,135 --> 00:08:58,270

Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater.

00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:01,807

No, no, if you cheat

and fail, you're a cheater.

00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:05,577

If you cheat and succeed,

you're savvyyyy.

00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:06,945

This is bullshit !

00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,615

I don't want to waste

my time learning to cheat !

00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:10,916

Go ahead, the door's right there.

00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:13,785

Bye, bye, have fun,

we will miss you.

00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:20,058

( sighing )

How do I reeech these keeeds?

00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,129

Boys !

00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:28,867

Boys, have you seen my penis ?

00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:29,801

What ?

00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,169

My penis is on the loose !

00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:35,107

If you see it, just try to

catch it with some cheese !

00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:39,911

Ow, that hurt my brains.

00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:41,113

Owwwww.

00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:52,724

Nice form, compadre.

00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,494

Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher.

00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,595

Look, I don't wanna argue with you

00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:58,363

about the merits of cheating.

00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,432

Who wants to argue on

a nice day like theeees ?

00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:01,967

How about a little pick-up game ?

00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,769

( whistling )

Hey, petano !

00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:05,604

Can you keep score for us ?

00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:08,140

Sure thing, Mr. C.

00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:10,709

Okay, you start on defense, amigo.

00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,380

Aghg !

00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,818

Oh, that's one to nothing, amigo.

00:10:19,852 --> 00:10:21,219

You cheated !

00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:22,788

What's the score, effe ?

00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:24,723

Okay, let's go, your turn.

00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,727

Aahghg !

00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:32,998

That's two to noteeeng, amigo.

00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:35,400

Fuck you, man !

You can't do that !

00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:38,470

Look at the scoreboard, amigo.

00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:40,338

No matter how many

times you say I cheated,

00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,975

the scoreboard says two-nothing.

00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:45,510

I know what you're trying to say,

00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:48,113

but I still don't agree with it.

00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,283

Two to nothing, essa.

00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,018

Two to nothing.

00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,822

( sighing )

How do I reech these keeeds ?

00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,927

( humming )

00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:03,195

( mouse squeaking )

00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:05,430

What is that ?

00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:07,933

( mouse squeaking )

00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:09,234

Eeeeeeek !

00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:10,902

Eeeeek !

00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:14,873

Eeeeeeeeeek !

Eeeeeeeekk !

00:11:14,907 --> 00:11:16,942

Stephen, Stephen, come quick !

00:11:16,976 --> 00:11:18,376

What is it, dear ?

00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,545

A penis is loose in our kitchen !

00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:21,913

A penis ?

00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:24,382

Yes, it just ran across the floor !

00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:25,984

Now, darling, calm down.

00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:27,352

Calm down nothing !

00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:30,021

I don't want that penis running

through my house !

00:11:30,056 --> 00:11:33,191

Oh, women--

always afraid of penises.

00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:38,396

There, there you see it ?

00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,365

Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.

00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:43,535

I don't care, it's probably

got all kinds of diseases.

00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:44,736

( mouse squeaking )

00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,772

Hey, wait, I think that's teacher's penis !

00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:49,441

- Your teacher's penis ?

- Yeah, that must be his.

00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:50,809

Butters,

00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:53,378

how do you know what your

teacher's penis looks like ?

00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:54,513

Huh ?

00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,981

( school bell ringing )

00:11:56,015 --> 00:11:58,950

Today we will discuss one of the

fundamental ways to cheat:

00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:01,153

getting material ahead of time.

00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:03,021

When Bill Beeelichick

cheated for the Patriots,

00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,222

what did he do ?

00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:07,225

He videotaped the opposing

team's defense.

00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,561

Think of the defense as your test.

00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:13,565

When taking a test, you must also

"videotape the defense."

00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:16,668

Learn what's on the test before

they give it to you,

00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:18,737

and that way you can...

00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,207

I thought that...

00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,043

Well, maybe I could give cheating a try.

00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:26,511

Have a seat, amigo.

00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,147

Good to have you back.

00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,651

All right, now, when Bill Beeelichick

got caught with his camera,

00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:33,485

he did not panic.

00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:36,121

He simply said what every good

white cheater says when caught:

00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:39,157

"I misinterpreted the rules."

00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,092

It's what you must also

say when caught cheating.

00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:42,994

"I misinterpreted the rules."

00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:43,862

Say it with me.

00:12:43,896 --> 00:12:45,597

( all )

"I misinterpreted the rules."

00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:46,531

Good, again !

00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,433

( all )

"I misinterpreted the rules."

00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:49,301

Again !

00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,536

( all )

"I misinterpreted the rules."

00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:52,971

Now you sound like white people !

00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:55,874

( all )

I misinterpreted the rules !

00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:59,878

What the hell do you mean

you just put my penis outside ?

00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:01,413

Why didn't you call me ?

00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,982

Look, Garrison, my wife didn't

want a penis in the house.

00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:05,283

I had to get it out.

00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,085

Well, now how am I supposed to find it ?!

00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,553

It could be anywhere !

00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:11,423

( woman )

Eeeeeeeeeeeek !

00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,991

Holy crap !

00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:15,560

Eeekkk !

Eeeekk !

00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,362

Carol, get down from there.

00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:20,165

No, didn't you see that penis just now ?

00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:21,032

Eeeek !

00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:25,270

I'm sure that penis is way more

scared of you than you are of it.

00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:26,204

You saw a penis ?

00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:29,608

( woman )

Eeeeeeeeeeeeekk !

00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,409

Oh, it's so big and disgusting !

00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:32,811

Eeeek !

00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:34,679

( mouse squeaking )

00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,018

Come back here, penis !

00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:43,755

There you are ! Got you !

00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,428

Hey, you're not my penis !

00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:51,396

Ugh !

00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:52,664

( mouse squeaking )

00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:53,632

There it goes !

00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,400

Stop, you !

00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:59,371

The answer to number 27 is five.

00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:02,340

( all )

The answer to number 27 is five.

00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,343

The answer to number 28 is 14.

00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:08,346

( all )

The answer to number 28 is 14.

00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,148

Man, what's the point ?

00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:11,983

What's the point of any of this ?

00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,952

( crying )

00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:16,888

All right, everyone review the section

00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,657

on sportscasters

forgiving the Patriots for cheating

00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:19,591

and saying it was no big deal.

00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:22,193

I'll be right back.

00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:25,530

Malita, Malita, hold on !

00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:26,898

You can't quit now !

00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:28,533

Come on, what's wrong with you ?

00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,802

There isn't any point to all this.

00:14:30,836 --> 00:14:33,038

I won't be going to college.

00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:35,707

I'm pregnant, all right ?

00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:36,875

I just found out.

00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:39,678

And Eduardo isn't gonna help me raise it.

00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,248

(sigh)

How do I reech these keeeds ?

00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,051

All right, let's go get you an abortion.

00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:47,585

No, I'm Catholic.

00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,921

I think abortion is wrong.

00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,356

Abortion isn't wrong.

00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:54,259

What's the one thing

I've been teaching you ?!

00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:55,660

That cheating is good.

00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:56,761

Yes !

00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:59,064

And abortion is the ultimate

form of cheating.

00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:02,100

You're cheating nature itself !

00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,135

Why do rich white girls

get ahead in life ?

00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:06,037

Because they get

abortions when they're young.

00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,640

They get pregnant, but they

still want to go to college

00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:10,475

so, whatever, they just cheat.

00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:14,879

They cheat that little critter in their

belly right out of a chance at life.

00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,548

I don't know, Mr. C.

00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,316

Mexicans are told not to cheat.

00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,117

"Don't cheat.

00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:21,419

You get pregnant,

you have to raise the child."

00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:22,654

So then you have to raise the child

00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:24,022

while the white girls get to go to college

00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:27,492

and probably have a bunch more abortions.

00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:30,195

It is at our most challenging times

00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:33,531

that we must cheat our very hardest.

00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:39,404

And the last time you saw

your penis was two days ago ?

00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:40,405

That's right.

00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,207

Long whiskers or short ?

00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:44,509

Short, and little fluffy ears.

00:15:44,543 --> 00:15:46,544

Fluffy ears, okay.

00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:47,712

Think you got it, Mitch ?

00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:48,680

I think so, Sir.

00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:53,752

Is this pretty close ?

00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,854

No, no !

Not like that !

00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,655

That's just silly.

00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:01,026

Sir, we might wanna get a unit down

to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.

00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:01,693

What is it ?

00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:02,894

Call just came through.

00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:05,063

Seems a penis broke

in and tried to eat their cheese.

00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,231

Well, come on !

00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:15,707

( mouse squeaking )

Eeeek !

00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:16,708

What's the matter ?

00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,510

A penis !

00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:20,011

A penis ? Where ?

00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:21,513

There it is ! Eeeeeek !

00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:24,182

[ladies shouting]

Eeeek ! Eeek, a penis !

00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,254

Where is it ?

00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:29,988

Look there !

00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:31,623

( mouse squeaking )

00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:32,690

Come on !

00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:36,895

What's-a that-a penis

doing in-a my kitchen ?

00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:40,331

Hey, don't you dare kill my penis !

00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:41,933

( mouse squeaking )

00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:44,402

Crap-- we gotta go back around !

00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:45,870

( mouse squeaking )

00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:57,749

♪ Someone ♪

00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,684

♪ Somewhere ♪

00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:03,755

♪ Is loving me tonight ♪

00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:06,825

♪ Looking at the same moon ♪

00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:10,361

♪ And seeing it so bright ♪

00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:12,363

♪ Someone ♪

00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:13,932

♪ Somewhere ♪

00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:16,668

♪ Is feeling my despair ♪

00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,269

♪ Feeling your despair ♪

00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:19,804

♪ And this same moon is ♪

00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,206

- ♪ Making them think of-- ♪

- ♪ Making them think of-- ♪

00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,140

There it is !

00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:28,146

( mouse squeaking )

00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:31,549

No, no !

00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,252

There's not a chance now.

00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:35,954

No, we can find it !

00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:39,324

Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone.

00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,659

I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.

00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,262

You'll just have to live with being a woman.

00:17:44,296 --> 00:17:45,497

A very ugly one.

00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:47,699

Come on, men.

00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:51,369

Students, I want to congratulate you

00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,271

on your amazing test scores.

00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:56,174

The school board is

so impressed with your progress

00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:58,376

that they are going to let you take

00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,612

the standardized

advanced-placement test

00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,413

for college credit !

00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:04,149

[all]:

All right ! Cool, man ! Yeah !

00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:06,117

The test is going to be

heavily monitored

00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:07,986

in a private room at their location

00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:12,657

to assure that there

can be absolutely no cheating.

00:18:12,691 --> 00:18:13,558

Uh, what ?

00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:14,993

The test will be tomorrow.

00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,628

Make us proud.

00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:21,132

Monitor us in a private room ?

00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:23,468

Now they're gonna know we've

been cheating all along.

00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:24,869

I knew it, man !

00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:26,437

You made us believe in your way,

00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:28,039

and now it's all for nothing.

00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:29,541

It's not for nothing !

00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:31,543

If you're good enough,

you can cheat right in front of them.

00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:33,778

Shut up, man,

you royally screwed us all !

00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:37,081

How do I reeeeech these keeeeeds !

00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:41,986

Just before the last Super Bowl...

00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:44,622

Bill Beeelichick gathered his

football players and said,

00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:47,025

"Let's win this one for real.

00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,961

Just this one time... let's not cheat."

00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:51,529

You know what happened ?

00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,731

They lost.

00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:56,768

Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,

00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,737

you cannot give up on cheating.

00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:03,408

Or else you can lose

the biggest game of your lives.

00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:06,945

Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.

00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,513

You are the true dreamers.

00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:10,181

Tomorrow you will prove it.

00:19:10,216 --> 00:19:11,082

We will begin by reviewing

00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:11,916

how to print out cheat sheets

00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,419

as labels for your bottled water.

00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,388

( sobbing )

00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:23,861

You did this to yourself, Garrison.

00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:26,831

Get your hopes up with

a stupid genetic experiment

00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:28,166

and now all your money's gone

00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,635

along with your penis.

00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,136

( mouse squeaking )

00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:37,208

What the...

00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:47,018

Why... it's my penis.

00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:48,853

My penis came back.

00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:51,022

But why ?

00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:52,557

( mouse squeaking )

00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:56,794

I guess it's true.

00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:59,397

What's that old saying ?

00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:02,900

If you love your penis, let it go.

00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:07,438

The standardized

advanced-placement test

00:20:07,473 --> 00:20:09,440

is considered one of

the most difficult

00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:12,844

and carefully monitored

tests in the country.

00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,079

24 of our students took the test

00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:19,751

and all 24 scored 100% !

00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:24,255

Uh, can we say something ?

00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:25,490

Sure.

00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:27,025

We would like to present this plaque

00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,393

to the person who taught us

00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:30,194

"the white people method."

00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,397

Mr. Cartmanez.

00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:41,172

( camera clicking )

00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:47,111

I reeeeched these keeeeeeeds.

00:20:49,615 --> 00:20:51,349

Students and faculty,

00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:53,951

please put your hands

together and help me

00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:57,889

in welcoming back Mr. Garrison.

00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:04,762

Thanks, everyone.

00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:06,698

It's great to be back.

00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:08,466

I'm a man again...

00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:11,169

Thanks to my very special new friend.

00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:12,570

( mouse squeaking )

00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:15,807

But you know, I've learned that

00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,576

I've really been a dude all along.

00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:19,877

Because the key difference

00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:21,212

between men and women

00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:24,048

is that women can have babies.

00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:28,052

If you can't have babies,

then you're a man.

00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:30,588

Whoa, uh, wait, hang on a second.

00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:32,557

My wife had ovarian cancer,

00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:35,360

so she can't have babies.

00:21:35,394 --> 00:21:37,061

Well, then get an

AIDS test, Thompson,

00:21:37,096 --> 00:21:39,263

'cause your wife's a dude, faggot.

00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,301

Yeah, I'm back !

00:21:43,335 --> 00:21:44,769

( mouse squeaking )