Больше дерьма

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перевод: shoke (shoke@sibmail.com)

тайминг: shoke

небольшие дополнения: Saddam

Распространитель http://south-parkx.info/

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специально для http://uzhe.vtomske.ru

Распространитель http://south-parkx.info/

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-Не поймите меня неправильно, мистер Марш.

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-У вас запор.

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-Спасибо за своевременную новость.

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-Я не срал уже больше 3-х недель, и вопрос почему?

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-Чем вы последнее время питались?

00:00:51,390 --> 00:00:52,860

-Едой из “PFChank” в основном.

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-Ниче так.

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-Я выпишу вам слабительное.

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-Но я должен вас предупредить.

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-Когда у вас, наконец, будет стул.

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-Это может быть очень болезненным.

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-Насколько болезненным?

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-О Боже,.. вот оно...

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-Атататата!

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-Все закончилось.

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-Кончилось...

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-О боже.

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-Теперь гораздо лучше.

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-Это... огромное...

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-Это, должно быть, самая большая личинка, которую я когда-либо производил на свет.

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-Э...Эй, Шерон.

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-Шерон, ты должна это увидеть.

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-Ше-Шерон?..

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-Что такое Ренди, ты по...

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-О! Ренди!

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-Только посмотри на это. Это ли не самая большая куча говна, которую ты когда-либо видела?

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-Смой уже, ради всего святого!

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-Да ладно, это реально нечто!

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-Эй Стэн! Стэн.

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-Взгляни-ка.

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-Ренди?!.

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-Это все из жопы человеческой.

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-Не может быть!

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-Ага? Никогда такой большой не видел?

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-Нет, никогда.

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-Фу, Пап, говно!

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-Хорошо, можно уже это смыть?..

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-Я попробую, но не думаю что оно см...

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-Пого-Погодитека.

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-Мне нужно сперва Джимбо позвонить.

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-Зачем?!

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-Он должен, это увидеть!

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-Нет, мы смоем это прямо сейчас!

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-НЕТ!

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-Джимбо должен увидеть, что бы я мог рассказать парням, на сколько большое оно было, и он подтвердил бы, что я не вру!

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-О, господи всемилостивый, Ренди...

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-Шерон, это важно!

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-Стэн, иди позвони дяде Джимбо, пока я буду охранять.

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-Здорова парни!

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-Привет Ренди.

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-О, привет Ренди.

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-Лучше себя чувствуешь?

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-О да, я теперь в полном порядке.

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-Парны, вы должны были видеть того фекалёнка,

которого Ренди родил вчера ночью.

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-Он был огромнейший, самое большое дерьмо, которое кто-либо когда-либо производил на свет!

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-Когда-либо!

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-Ну не знаю насчет когда-либо...

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-Я вам говорю, оно было размером с футбольный мяч!

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-Думаю, оно было довольно большим.

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-Футбольный мяч? Невероятно.

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-Я не разу не слышал о ТАКИХ размерах.

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-Огаога, мой брат однажды высрал такое.

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-Оно было просто нереальное!

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-Думаю, оно было самое гигантское за всю историю!

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-Оно не было таким огромным, как мое...

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-Не,не, серьезно.

Это был фекальный монстр!

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-Мой... мой был больше...

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-Да ладно...

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-Хотите увидеть?

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-О, грёбаная сила...

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-Серьезно, это не могло родиться из твоей жопы.

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-Поверь мне, так и было

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-Проверьте на разрывы... это один целый кусок.

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-Иисусе...

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-Тада, чутка больше чем у твоего брата, Джеральд, ога?

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-Это... из другого мира!..

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-Ренди, ты звонил людям из "Книги рекордов Гинесса"?

Я в смысле... это серьезно может быть самым большим куском говна в истории...

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-Поэтому мне нужно позаботиться о его сохранности.

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-Ренди Марш?!

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-Вот дерьмо!

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-О чем ты, чёрт подери, думаешь, храня это дерьмо в нашем доме?

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-Парни согласны со мной, Шерон.

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-Это возможно рекорд.

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-Почему мужики так волнуются по поводу того, насколько большая куча?

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Книга рекордов Гинесса

Корпоративный офис.

-Почему мужики так волнуются по поводу того, насколько большая куча?

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Книга рекордов Гинесса

Корпоративный офис.

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-Книга рекордов Гинесса Америки.

Чем я могу вам помочь?

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-Самая большая в мире куча говна?..

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-Мы, в общем-то, не отслеживаем достижения в этой области, сэр.

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-Потому что мы не хотим.

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-Послушайте, мы постоянно принимаем звонки от мужчин,

которые считают, что породили самое большое в мире говно.

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-И мы просто не в силах отслеживать все поступающие заявки

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-Вам нужно позвонить в Европейский офис по Стандартизации и Исследованиям Фекалий в Цюрихе.

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-Пожалуйста.

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-Господи, еще один...

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-Книга рекордов Гинесса Америки.

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-А, да, здрасьте.

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-Меня зовут Ренди Марш

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-И я считаю, что высрал самое большое говно в мире.

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-Вам нужно позвонить в Европейский офис по Стандартизации и Исследованиям Фекалий в Цюрихе.

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-Их номер телефона находится у них на сайте.

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Европейский институт по Стандартизации и Исследованиям Фекалий в Цюрихе.

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-Президент, взгляните на это.

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-Это дерьмо прислали нам из Соединенных Штатов.

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-Очень мило.

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-Вы проверили на достоверность?

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-Похоже, что оно настоящие.

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-На основе фотографии

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-Мы предполагаем, что говно должно быть больше 8.5 говнокарат!

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-Нам лучше лететь.

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-Прямо сейчас.

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Говорят по-шведски.

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-Чем вы в основном питались, мистер Марш?

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-В основном "PFChunks"

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-Большой южный цыпленок,

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-И еще, много свежеразмороженных сасисок в тесте по утрам...

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-Я, похоже, обнаружил остатки капусты...

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-А, да, еще большое кол-во "camchy"

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-Вы, должно быть, шутите...

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-Эти парни из Цюриха, Шерон!

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-Они европейцы.

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-Это высококачественное говно, мистер Марш.

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-Ради господа милосердного!..

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-Ваше говно официально весит 8.6 говнокарат.

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-Говнокарат?

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-Это стандартная единица для измерения человеческих испражнений.

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-1 говнокарат соответствует 2.5 фунтам экскрементов (~1 кг)

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-Текущий рекорд, говнорекорд, весил 7.5 гавнокарат. (~ 7.5 кг)

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-Но тогда это значит...

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-Именно.

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-Вы - новый чемпион мира!

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-Правда?!

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-Вы имеете ввиду?..

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-СЕРЬЕЗНО?!

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-Эй, Стэн!!! Шерон!!!

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-ЭЙ ВСЕ!!!

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-Ну, я думаю, мы должны позвонить "бывшему" чемпиону,

и сообщить ему, его рекорд, только что был перебит.

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-У него уже есть 22 Грэмми,

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-Бесчисленное количество наград за Человечность

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-И он единственный человек на земле

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-Который номинирован на награду академии, "Золотой глобус" и приз "Замечательный мир"

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-Дамы и господа.

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-Боно!

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-Спасибо.

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-Спасибо вам огромное за эту фуфловую награду, она очень много значит.

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-А, простите, должно быть мне хотят дать еще одну награду...

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-Да?

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-Да, Боно, мы хотим вам сообщить, что ваш рекорд

за самую большую кучу говна был только что побит.

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-Что?!

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-Это не возможно!

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-Насколько большое оно было?!

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-Мы собрались здесь, что бы воздать почести, первому американцу.

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-За то, что он, получил ценнейшую награду от ЕСИФ.

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-За самое большое дерьмо, когда-либо высранное.

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-Эй, смотри, Шерон, это президент!

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-Эй, эй, Шерон?..

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-Для вручения награды, я прошу подняться сюда главу ЕСИФ.

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-Сэр Орлаф Бролоу.

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-Спасибо, сенатор.

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-Более 100 лет, Европейский институт по Стандартизации и Исследованию Фекалий...

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-Бролоу!

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-Это с половиной?..

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-Дамы и господа, похоже, что мы только что получили видеокассету с необычным сообщением...

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-От Боно.

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-О, Боно!

-Клево!

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-Мы можем показать запись на большом экране, пожалуйста?

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-Всем привет!

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-Моя зовут Боно.

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-Приветикеприветикеприветике!!!

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-В течении многих лет, я был удостоен чести,

пытаться привлечь внимание общественности к проблемам Африки.

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-И сегодня,

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-У меня есть очень волнующая новость.

00:09:06,010 --> 00:09:08,200

-Вчера ночью, в 20:20,

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-Я воздвигнул себе дерьмопамятник весом 9.5 говнокарат (~9.5 кг)

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-БОНО?!

00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,860

-Как вы видите, это один цельный кусок.

00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:21,190

-На сегодняшний день это мое самое большое фекаловыделение.

00:09:21,190 --> 00:09:21,220

-И я клянусь, что буду регулярно совершенствоваться.

-На сегодняшний день это мое самое большое фекаловыделение.

00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,220

-И я клянусь, что буду регулярно совершенствоваться.

00:09:23,570 --> 00:09:24,390

-Спасибо.

00:09:24,490 --> 00:09:25,630

-И благослови вас Господь.

00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,330

-ОгаОгаОга!!!

00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:33,020

-Вы слышали дамы и господа!

00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,380

-Официально самая большая какашка - 9.5 говнокарат!

00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,560

-Поздравляем Боно!

00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:43,250

-БОНО!

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-Уиииииииииии!

00:09:58,070 --> 00:09:58,580

-Пап...

00:10:00,270 --> 00:10:01,510

-По-моему, ужин уже готов.

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-Я почти сделал это...

00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:06,360

-Я почти сделал что-то сам...

00:10:07,790 --> 00:10:09,480

-Знаешь, когда ты подбираешься очень-очень близко...

00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,370

-Начинаешь думать, может, твоя жизнь имеет смысл...

00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:16,290

-В смысле...

00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,600

-Это было чем-то, что создал я.

00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,170

-Чем-то, что вышло из меня.

00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,300

-Это было частью меня.

00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,050

-Единственная хорошая вещь, которую я когда-либо делал.

00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:32,290

-Боже...Спасибо большое, отец...

00:10:32,630 --> 00:10:33,370

-Пожалуйста,

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-И я просто...

00:10:34,490 --> 00:10:39,950

-Я знаю, что уже поздновато, но я раньше никогда не был так близко к тому, что бы иметь смысл жизни...

00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:43,020

-Пошли, ребята, лазанья готова.

00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,090

-Лазанья готова...

00:10:47,930 --> 00:10:49,010

-Слышал, Стэн?

00:10:49,530 --> 00:10:52,190

-Мама сказал "Лазанья готова".

00:10:52,370 --> 00:10:55,150

-Я чувствую твой сарказм, Шерон!

00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,120

-О чем ты?!

00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:58,740

-Можешь сказать это, Шерон.

00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:00,830

-Я знаю, что Боно лучше меня!

00:11:01,590 --> 00:11:03,670

-Прости, что я не Боно, хорошо?!

00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:07,670

-Прости, что у меня нет миллиардов долларов и кучи наград!

00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,890

-Рэнди, это смешно.

00:11:09,990 --> 00:11:12,080

-А, это действительно по-взрослому, Шерон!

00:11:12,210 --> 00:11:14,010

-Для тебя все смешно!

00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:16,090

-Большая шутка для тебя, не так ли?!

00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,500

-Просто большая шутка!

00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:19,280

-Не трогай меня!

00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:22,370

-Ты можешь поверить в это?..

00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,660

-Все это из-за того, что кто-то сделал большую кучу, чем он...

00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:27,040

-Ты не понимаешь, мам.

00:11:27,550 --> 00:11:29,090

-Ты просто не поймешь...

00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,070

-Чт..

00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:32,220

-Что...

00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:44,290

-Как они могли поверить этому Боно на основе фотографии его дерьма…

00:11:44,490 --> 00:11:46,350

-Потому что он Боно, вот почему.

00:11:46,590 --> 00:11:48,690

-Но он мог ее подделать, это не честно!

00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:49,870

-Уже не важно.

00:11:50,390 --> 00:11:52,600

-Рекорд теперь его, я больше ничего не могу сделать.

00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,090

-О да, можешь!

00:11:55,570 --> 00:11:56,870

-Ты можешь сделать это еще раз.

00:11:57,090 --> 00:11:57,650

-Чего?

00:11:57,820 --> 00:11:58,460

-Подумай...

00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:01,730

-Ты даже не пытался вчера ночью повторить свой рекорд...

00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:04,280

-А представь, если бы ты попытался...

00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:06,340

-Ага, ага, точно.

00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:09,420

-Неет, я не могу еще раз через все это пройти.

00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:10,780

-Это слишком...

00:12:11,010 --> 00:12:11,870

-Да ладно, Ренди.

00:12:12,220 --> 00:12:14,400

-Спорю, что ты можешь еще раз насрать на рекорд, не напрягаясь.

00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:17,780

-Правильное питание, тренировки...

Кто знает, что ты еще можешь высрать...

00:12:17,910 --> 00:12:18,790

-Парни! Забудьте!

00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:19,950

-Все кончено.

00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,760

-Мне просто повезло,

я никогда еще раз столько не высру!

00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,320

-Все кончено, Ренди?..

00:12:25,630 --> 00:12:27,720

-Мы все видели, твой памятник - нерукотворный.

00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,140

-Это было не везение...

00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:32,820

-Что-то внутри тебя, позволило тебе сделать это...

00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:34,890

-Ренди, у тебя есть дар...

00:12:35,270 --> 00:12:38,000

-Кто знает, почему Господь выбрал тебя,

НО он выбрал!

00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:39,680

-И если ты уйдешь сейчас,

00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:42,140

-Ты всегда будешь спрашивать себя...

00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:45,020

-"Насколько большое говно я могу высрать?.."

00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,420

-Мне понадобится колоссальная помощь...

00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:51,050

-Поэтому мы здесь...

00:12:51,230 --> 00:12:53,000

-Ну же, Ренди, что скажешь?

00:12:54,310 --> 00:12:55,560

-Я скажу...

00:12:57,020 --> 00:12:59,400

-Пусть Боно лучше гребет бабки...

00:12:59,540 --> 00:13:02,970

-Ага!!!

-Молодец!!!

00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,500

-Это CNN,

Горячие новости.

00:13:09,810 --> 00:13:12,260

-Сегодня вечером:

Возможная атака на Иран

00:13:12,450 --> 00:13:15,320

-Возможно, это начало новой войны на Среднем Востоке.

00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,010

-О, нет.

00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,050

-Но сначала - рекорд на самую большую какашку

00:13:20,210 --> 00:13:21,610

-Может быть снова побит.

00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:26,590

-Ренди Марш, из Колорадо, начинает 3-х недельную подготовку

для новой попытке создать дерьмо.

00:13:26,710 --> 00:13:29,930

-Все свободное время он проводит в PFChunks

00:13:30,950 --> 00:13:32,470

-Это действительно НОВОСТЬ?..

00:13:33,210 --> 00:13:34,910

-Ты просто не понимаешь.

00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:37,250

-Ты прав, я не понимаю.

00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:43,360

-В то же время некоторые люди задаются вопросом, действительно ли Боно установил рекорд, мотивируя это, тем, что никто не видел "рекорд" лично

00:13:43,770 --> 00:13:47,680

-Боно сейчас не может прокоментировать эти слухи, так как,

он в данный момент находится в Африке, помогая негросам.

00:13:48,570 --> 00:13:54,300

-Да-да-да-да-да!!!

00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,030

-Привет, привеет!

00:13:57,740 --> 00:14:00,180

-Марш снова пытается побить рекорд.

00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,620

-Мы подумали, что ты должен знать.

00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:04,390

-Он не сможет побить мои 9.5 говнокарат.

00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:06,510

-Ну, он, по крайней мере, попытается

00:14:06,950 --> 00:14:09,850

-Хорошо, но он должен сделать это прямо перед вами,

00:14:10,030 --> 00:14:11,210

-В Цюрихе.

00:14:11,490 --> 00:14:13,950

-Боно, у нас раньше не было таких правил .

00:14:14,190 --> 00:14:16,170

-Это единственный способ проверить, что он не жульничает.

00:14:16,260 --> 00:14:19,210

-Если он не посрет в Цюрихе, это не должно засчитываться.

00:14:22,330 --> 00:14:26,220

-Ультразвук - это очень просто мистер Марш.

Это безболезненный способ заглянуть вам в живот.

00:14:26,380 --> 00:14:28,870

-Для начала я намажу вас специальным гелем...

00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:31,940

-Хорошо, теперь глубоко вдохните.

00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:35,120

-Теперь я вижу говно.

00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:37,990

-Не могу сказать точно, но оно похоже весит около...

00:14:38,510 --> 00:14:40,360

-14 говнокарат.

00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:41,650

-14?!

00:14:41,830 --> 00:14:42,810

-Это отлично, Ренди!

00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,180

-Я мо-могу его увидеть?

00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:44,800

-Конечно.

00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,050

-Это ваша прямая кишка,

00:14:46,190 --> 00:14:49,500

-А здесь видно, как фекаленок,

растет внутри вашего животика.

00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:05,680

-Парни, у нас проблема.

00:15:05,930 --> 00:15:09,620

-Я говорил с ЕСИФ, и они сказали, что Ренди должен просраться в Цюрихе.

00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,150

-В Цюрихе?

00:15:11,230 --> 00:15:13,960

-Они сказали - Боно настаивал, и что у них связаны руки.

00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:18,080

-Простите мистер Марш, но я не рекомендую вам лететь на самолете в вашем положении...

00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:20,980

-Это небезопасно - летать во время триместра.

00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:30,020

-Здравствуйте, я могу поговорить с мистером Боно, пожалуйста?

00:15:30,590 --> 00:15:33,150

-Мистер Боно, к вам юный джентльмен.

00:15:34,450 --> 00:15:37,570

-О-да, да, да, да!!

00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,580

-Приготовь реактивный самолет, Белвис, пора лететь.

00:15:41,980 --> 00:15:43,320

-Здрасьте, меня зовут Стен Марш.

00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,420

-Мой отец пытается побить ваш рекорд - самую большую какашку в мире.

00:15:45,670 --> 00:15:46,460

-Ах, да.

00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,600

-Он не может лететь в Цюрих, я прав?..

00:15:48,810 --> 00:15:50,130

-Вот поэтому как бы я тут.

00:15:50,430 --> 00:15:52,410

-Вам действительно нужен этот рекорд?

00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:55,480

-Может как-нибудь можно отдать первенство моему отцу?

00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:57,510

-Отдать ему?..

00:15:57,910 --> 00:15:59,320

-С чего бы мне это делать?

00:15:59,590 --> 00:16:01,360

-Послушайте, вы должны понять, сэр.

00:16:01,450 --> 00:16:03,350

-Мой отец не разу не выигрывал каких-либо наград.

00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:04,350

-Никогда.

00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,220

-У него даже нет самой захудалой грамоты.

00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,550

-В смысле, даже у меня есть куча всяких грамот за вторые-третьи места за разное.

00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:13,460

-А у меня первое место за это...

00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,240

-Вам мало?..

00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:22,910

-В смысле... у вас тонны денег, самолет, суперпопулярная группа, красавица жена,

00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,650

-В чем-то вы можете просто...

00:16:24,740 --> 00:16:26,210

-Нах*й пойти?..

00:16:26,230 --> 00:16:28,210

-Я хочу, чтобы люди знали - я чего-то стою,

00:16:28,350 --> 00:16:29,260

-Что я что-то значу.

00:16:29,770 --> 00:16:31,940

-Все что я прошу - может, хотя бы в одной вещи

00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:33,750

-Вы позволите моему отцу быть первым?..

00:16:33,970 --> 00:16:35,470

-А вы все равно можете быть номером 2!

00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:37,580

-Номером 2?

00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:39,650

-НОМЕРОМ ДВА?!

00:16:40,850 --> 00:16:43,150

-Никто больше меня так не зовет! И тебе придется смириться с этим!

00:16:43,510 --> 00:16:44,530

-Возьми слова назад!

00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,700

-ВОЗЬМИ ИХ НАЗАД!

00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:47,360

-Я беру их назад!

00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:48,740

-СКАЖИ ЧТО Я НЕ НОМЕР ДВА!

00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:49,720

-Вы не номер 2!..

00:16:50,150 --> 00:16:51,050

-Вот именно!

00:16:51,150 --> 00:16:52,000

-Совсем нет!

00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:58,700

-Да что не так с этим парнем?

00:16:59,420 --> 00:17:01,290

-Ваш отец в серьезной опасности.

00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:02,480

-Иди со мной.

00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:08,040

Европейский институт по Стандартизации и Исследованиям Фекалий в Цюрихе

00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,190

-Это должно быть то еще говно.

00:17:22,850 --> 00:17:25,060

-Давай Ренди.

Тужься!

00:17:31,230 --> 00:17:33,270

-О чем вы говорите?! Откуда вы знаете, что мой отец погибнет?!

00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:36,600

-Потому что никто еще не высирал такую какашку раньше!

00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:38,560

-Так, значит, новый рекорд Боно - фальшивка?

00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:43,710

-Слушай, я заметил, что что-то не так,

когда впервые увидел первую награду Боно за самое большое в мире говно.

00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,320

-Там было написано, что он получил её в 1960 году.

00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,050

-Ну и?

00:17:47,350 --> 00:17:49,980

-В этом году родился сам Боно!

00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:51,870

-Тогда мне все стало ясно.

00:17:52,190 --> 00:17:56,660

-Как Боно, может быть настолько талантливым, настолько заботливым,

а вести себя как кусок говна?..

00:17:57,150 --> 00:17:59,090

-Потому что он и есть говно!

00:17:59,350 --> 00:18:00,130

-Разве ты не видишь?

00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:02,600

-Боно не тот, кто установил рекорд.

00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:06,160

-Он - сам рекорд?..

00:18:06,590 --> 00:18:07,540

-Да.

00:18:12,740 --> 00:18:13,840

-Я не могу это сделать!

00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,480

-Я не могу это сделать...

00:18:15,570 --> 00:18:17,490

-Какашка просто слишком большая, мистер Марш.

00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:19,570

-Мы должны прибегнуть к кесареву сечению...

00:18:19,980 --> 00:18:21,930

-Но это... это все равно считается?

00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:22,890

-О нет!

00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:25,820

-Самая большая какашка значит - что ты ее высрал.

00:18:26,070 --> 00:18:27,660

-Похоже, что это так.

00:18:28,010 --> 00:18:29,610

-Мы просим прощения, мистер Марш, но,

00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,310

-Если вы не можете высрать его,

00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,670

-Тогда это не настоящее дерьмо.

00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:35,790

-Неет...

00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,430

-Неееет....

00:18:38,630 --> 00:18:39,800

-Ну что ты, Ренди...

00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:41,920

-Ты сделал все что мог.

00:18:42,130 --> 00:18:42,990

-Я хочу увидеть жену,

00:18:43,170 --> 00:18:43,780

-Шерон?

00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:45,160

-Шерон?!

00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:46,780

-Что?

00:18:47,230 --> 00:18:48,510

-Прости меня, Шерон.

00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:50,960

-Прости, что подвел тебя.

00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:53,850

-Прости, что не могу дристать, как Боно.

00:18:54,730 --> 00:18:58,710

-Примите наше поздравления Боно,

похоже, что ваш рекорд остается не побитым.

00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,260

-Я так и думал.

00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,900

-Подождите, стойте!

00:19:02,430 --> 00:19:03,950

-Пап, твое старое говно считается!

00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,090

-Боно никогда не срал второй раз, что бы побить твое!

00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:08,380

-Уведите его отсюда!

00:19:08,570 --> 00:19:10,880

-О чем это вы, молодой человек?

00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,700

-У кое-кого скелет в шкафу.

00:19:12,710 --> 00:19:14,540

-Боно никогда не был рекордсменом.

00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,020

-Он и есть рекорд!

00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,500

-Это не правда!

00:19:18,670 --> 00:19:21,010

-Убейте щенка! Я хочу, чтобы он сдох!

00:19:21,390 --> 00:19:23,530

-Уже слишком поздно, Боно.

00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,050

-Мальчик познал правду.

00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:28,930

-Ол Бролоф, а что вы знаете об этом?

00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:30,740

-Боюсь это правда.

00:19:30,850 --> 00:19:36,260

-Видите ли, пока не появился мистер Марш,

Я был рекордсменом за самую большую какашку в мире.

00:19:36,650 --> 00:19:38,570

-Я получил его в 1960 году.

00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,540

-Это была самая необычная какашка, какую я когда-либо высирал.

00:19:41,590 --> 00:19:42,450

-Папа, нет!

00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:43,990

-Не говори больше ничего!

00:19:44,910 --> 00:19:46,140

-Подойди ко мне, мо...

00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:47,810

-Моё дорогое, прелестное дитя...

00:19:53,740 --> 00:19:56,830

-После того как я установил рекорд, я забрал говно домой.

00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,710

-Я был им так горд, что...

00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,400

-Что решил оставить его.

00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,220

-Попытаться вырастить его, как ребенка

00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:03,730

-Нет, папа...

00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:05,310

-Нет, папа...

00:20:05,390 --> 00:20:07,160

-Ну успокойся, моя маленькая какашка.

00:20:07,210 --> 00:20:08,450

-Не плачь.

00:20:08,980 --> 00:20:10,850

-Вот, хочешь сисеньку?

00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,350

-Боно хочет сиську?

00:20:15,940 --> 00:20:17,760

-Да, он любит сиську, любит же?

00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,330

-Чувак...

00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,150

-Я держал говно в своем офисе.

00:20:22,290 --> 00:20:22,840

-Растил его.

00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:23,920

-Кормил его грудью.

00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,170

-И вскоре сиська сделала его сильным.

00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:27,750

-Сиська вырастила его!

00:20:28,010 --> 00:20:30,730

-В одну из замечательнейших личностей всех времен!

00:20:30,970 --> 00:20:33,320

-Легче Боно, ты делаешь больно сисяндричке.

00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,750

-Сися...

00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:38,470

-Мое говно, превзошло многих.

00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,380

-Но он некогда не мог принять тот факт, что он был на самом деле

00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,070

-Номером вторым.

00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:45,700

-Поэтому он посвятил свою жизнь тому, чтобы стать номером 1.

00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:46,900

-Во всем.

00:20:47,290 --> 00:20:48,680

-Поэтому он столько сделал...

00:20:48,940 --> 00:20:50,250

-Пытался помочь всем людям на земле...

00:20:50,590 --> 00:20:52,500

-Но все равно выглядел как кусок говна.

00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,070

-Ты опозорил светлое имя нашего почетного общества!

00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:56,960

-Неужели?!

00:20:57,190 --> 00:20:59,380

-Посмотрите на это говно, которое я высрал многие годы назад!

00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:04,060

-Боно почти 6футов ростом. И больше 80 говнокарат в весе!

00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:07,260

-Не смотря на то, как вы к этому относитесь,

Он до сих пор рекорд!

00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,760

-О боже, вот оно!

00:21:11,290 --> 00:21:13,160

-Атататататата!

00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,510

-Боже мой...

00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,960

-Оно должно быть больше сотни говнокарат!

00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:26,390

-Пап, ты в порядке?

00:21:26,610 --> 00:21:27,550

-Да я...

00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,120

-В порядке...

00:21:29,550 --> 00:21:30,900

-Чувствую себя гораздо лучше.

00:21:31,110 --> 00:21:31,770

-Мистер Марш,

00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,650

-Мы извиняемся, и если вы позволите...

00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,280

-Мы хотим вручить вам,

00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:38,860

-Ваш полностью заслуженный приз...

00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:11,762

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:13,639

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:15,391

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,517

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:18,477

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,229

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,814

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,190

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,984

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,197

♪ Come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,699

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,329

Ugh...

00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,165

Brawghghh...

00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:40,833

Well, there's no doubt

in my mind, Mr. Marsh.

00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,835

You are constipated.

00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,503

Thanks for the news flash.

00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:47,214

I haven't taken a crap

in over three weeks.

00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,216

The question is: why?

00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,926

Well, what food

have you been eating?

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,553

P.F. Chang's mostly.

00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,096

Good stuff.

00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,098

I'm going to

prescribe a laxative.

00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,225

But I must warn you,

00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:00,352

when you do finally

pass this stool,

00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:03,064

it might be very painful.

00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:05,399

How painful is painful?

00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:08,319

Hurhgghghgh...

00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:09,320

Hurhghghgghgh...

00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:17,036

Hurhghghghh...

00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,163

Oh, God,

oh, here it comes.

00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,291

Ahghggh aahghhghggh

ahghghghgghgh...

00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,334

Oh, hot!

00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,628

Oh, hot, hot,

hot, hot...

00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:28,005

Ahahghghggh!

00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:28,631

Ahghgghghghghgh!

00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,049

Oh, hot!

00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,384

Oh, hot, hot,

hot, hot...

00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:33,427

Ahhghgh!

00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:34,637

Ahghh...

00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,934

Oh, it's over,

it's over.

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:44,188

Oh, God,

I feel so much better.

00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,397

Oh.

00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,237

Wow.

00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:54,323

That is huge.

00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:59,787

That has got to be the biggest

crap I've ever taken.

00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:02,039

Hey-- hey, Sharon.

00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:05,459

Sharon, you gotta

come see this.

00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,794

Sh-Sharon?

00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:07,920

What is it, Randy?

00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,797

Do you have any--

oh, Randy!

00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,507

Will you look at that?

00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,592

Is that the biggest crap

you've ever seen or what?

00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,094

Flush the toilet,

for Christ's sake!

00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,054

Come on,

that's pretty impressive.

00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,347

Hey, Stan!

00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,099

Stan, look at this.

00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,350

Randy!

00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,060

Look what your

old man made.

00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,520

No way!

- Huh?

00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:25,938

Never seen one

that big, have you?

00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:26,772

No, never.

00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,816

Gross, Dad, sick!

00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,693

All right, will you

flush the toilet now?

00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,028

I'll try,

but I don't think--

00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:34,822

Wait, wait, wait,

wait a minute.

00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:35,739

I gotta call Jimbo first.

00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:37,116

Why?!

00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,534

He's got to see this.

00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,661

No, we are flushing

the toilet right now.

00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,246

No, Jimbo

has to see it

00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:43,747

so when I tell all the guys

how big it was

00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,666

they'll know

I'm not lying!

00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,626

Oh, for the love

of God, Randy!

00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,670

Sharon, this is important!

00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:51,130

Stan, go call your

Uncle Jimbo.

00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:53,174

I'm gonna stand guard.

00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,095

Hey, guys.

00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,597

Hey, Randy.

- Oh, hey, Randy.

00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,140

Are you feeling

better?

00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,725

Yeah, no,

I'm totally fine now.

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,476

You guys should have seen

00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,187

the crap Randy took

last night.

00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,272

It was honestly

the biggest crap

00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,357

anyone has ever

taken ever.

00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,067

Oh, I don't

know about ever.

00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,444

I'm telling you

this thing

00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:15,571

was the size

of a freaking football.

00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,489

I guess it was

pretty big.

00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:18,490

A football?

00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:19,825

Well, that's amazing.

00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,660

I've never heard

of one that big.

00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,913

No, no, my brother took a

crap once that was enormous.

00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:25,456

It was the biggest

00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:26,582

in the history of

the world, I think.

00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,335

Ha-ha ha

- Ha-ha-ha.

00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,671

It wasn't bigger

than mine was.

00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:35,174

No, no, seriously,

this crap was a monster!

00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,929

Mine...

Mine was bigger.

00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,430

I doubt it.

00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:45,351

You wanna see it?

00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,443

Oh, my freaking Lord.

00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,820

That did not seriously

come out of your ass.

00:03:56,946 --> 00:03:58,322

Oh, yes it did.

00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,657

Go ahead

and check it for splits.

00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:00,991

It's one solid piece.

00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:02,159

Jesus.

00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:03,702

That, uh, a little

bigger than

00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,120

your brother's

there, Gerald?

00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:08,457

It's... otherworldly.

00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,708

Randy, have you

called the people from

00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,335

Guinness Book of

World Records?

00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,753

I mean,

this might seriously be

00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,755

the biggest crap

in history.

00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,259

That's why I gotta

make sure to keep it safe.

00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,387

Randy Marsh.

00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:22,972

Oh, crap!

00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:24,348

What the hell do you

think you're doing

00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,766

keeping that

thing in our house?!

00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:26,934

The guys agree, Sharon.

00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,602

It could be

a record holder.

00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:31,438

Why are men so obsessed with

how big their crap is?!

00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,402

Guinness World

Records America.

00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:38,112

How can I help you?

00:04:38,237 --> 00:04:41,949

The biggest crap?

00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:46,620

We actually don't keep track

of that record, sir.

00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,707

Because we don't want to.

00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:52,084

Look, we get calls

from men all the time

00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,794

who believe they took

the biggest crap,

00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,087

and we simply can't handle

00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,131

all the measuring

and verification.

00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,924

You need to call

00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:00,926

"The European Fecal Standards

and Measurements Office"

00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,553

in Zurich.

00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,555

You're welcome.

00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,432

Jeez, another one.

00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,685

Guinness World

Records America.

00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,146

Uh, yes, hello, my name

is Randy Marsh,

00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:16,567

and I believe I took

the world's biggest crap.

00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,653

You need to call

00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,363

"The European Fecal Standards

and Measurements Office"

00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,906

in Zurich.

00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:25,701

Their number is

listed on their website.

00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,125

Heir president,

take a look at this.

00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,294

It is a crap sent to us

from the United States.

00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,796

Very nice.

00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,465

Has it been checked

for accuracy?

00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:41,300

It appears to be

legitimate.

00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,844

Based on the photo,

we estimate that the crap

00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,847

is over 8 and a half courics!

00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:51,060

We better get on

a plane right away.

00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,524

Hmm, ern snussen?

00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,443

Brier en snussen aitch.

00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:05,240

What was your primary diet

for this poo, Mr. Marsh?

00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,117

Mostly P.F. Chang's,

00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,787

General Tso's chicken,

and then a lot of

00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:13,123

Aunt Jemima frozen sausage

biscuits in the mornings.

00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,793

I believe I detect

some cabbage as well?

00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,836

Oh, yes, I had

a lot of kimchi.

00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,798

You have got to be

kidding me.

00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,841

These guys are

from Zurich, Sharon!

00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,093

They're Europeans!

00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,678

It is a tremendous crap,

Mr. Marsh.

00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:29,098

For the love of God.

00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:34,019

Your crap officially

weighs 8.6 courics.

00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,604

Courics?

00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,148

The standard measuring unit

for human feces.

00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:40,109

One Katie Couric

is approximately

00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,236

2 and a half

pounds of excrement.

00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:45,906

The current record is a crap

weighing 7.5 courics.

00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,658

But that means...

00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:49,076

That's right.

00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,370

You are the new

world champion!

00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:52,579

Really?!

00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,373

You mean-- really?!

00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,086

Hey, Stan!

Hey, Sharon!

00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:01,255

Hey, everybody!

00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:04,508

Well, I guess we better call

the old champion

00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:08,762

and let him know his

record has just been broken.

00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,682

He has won 22 Grammys,

00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,392

countless

humanitarian awards,

00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,894

and is the only person ever

to be nominated

00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,229

for an Academy Award,

00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,940

a Golden Globe,

and the Nobel Peace Prize.

00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,901

Ladies and gentlemen, Bono.

00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,282

Thank you.

00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:29,908

Thank you so much for

this newest award.

00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,660

It means so much.

00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:34,496

Oh, excuse me.

00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,165

I must be getting

another award.

00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,249

Yes?

00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:38,667

Yes, Bono, sir,

00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,419

We wish to inform you

that your record

00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:44,089

for biggest crap

has just been broken.

00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:45,215

What?!

00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:46,633

That's impossible!

00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,635

How big was it?!

00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:57,853

We are here to honor

00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,063

the first

American to bring home

00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:02,691

the distinguished

E.F.S.M. Medal

00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,985

for "biggest crap ever taken."

00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,072

Hey, look, Sharon,

it's the president!

00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:10,908

Hey, hey, Sharon.

00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,910

To present the award,

00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,370

I give you

the dean of the E.F.S.M.,

00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:17,247

Sir Orlaf Brolof.

00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,419

Thank you, senator.

00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,296

For over 100 years now,

00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,965

the European Fecal Standards

and Measures--

00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,510

Heir Brolof, Heir Brolof!

00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,887

Desh pointen auf?

00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,639

Ladies and gentlemen,

I understand we have

00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:36,225

just received a special

video-taped announcement

00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,810

from Bono!

00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,896

Bono! - Oh, Bono!

- Oh, cool!

00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,024

Could we play the tape on

the big screen, please?

00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,943

Hello, everyone.

00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:49,029

I am Bono.

00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,199

♪ Hello hello ♪

00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:53,784

♪ Hello hello ♪

00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:56,537

♪ Yeah yeah

yeah yeah ♪

00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,374

For years, it has been

my honor to try

00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:02,543

and bring focus

to the needs in Africa,

00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:05,671

and today I have very

exciting news.

00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:08,131

Last night,

at 20 past 8:00,

00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,885

I took a crap weighing

9 and a half courics.

00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,681

Bono?

00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:18,642

As you can see,

it is one solid piece.

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,852

It is my biggest crap

to date.

00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:23,230

And I swear

to its authenticity.

00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,566

Thank you and God bless.

00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:28,318

♪ Yeah yeah

yeah yeah ♪

00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:32,948

You heard it,

ladies and gentlemen!

00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,368

The official biggest crap

is 9.5 courics!

00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,662

Congratulations to Bono!

00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,041

Bono!

00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,167

Woo!

00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,474

Dad, um...

00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,893

I think dinner's

almost ready.

00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,187

I almost did it.

00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:07,608

I almost made

something of myself.

00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,735

You know when you

get real close,

00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:10,777

you start to think that

00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:13,739

maybe your life is

going to matter.

00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:18,910

I mean, this was

something I made,

00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:21,121

something that

came from me,

00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:23,582

that was a part of me.

00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:27,794

The only thing I ever

made that was any good.

00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:32,090

Gee... Thanks a lot, dad.

00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:33,592

You're welcome.

00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,219

And I just... I know that

this late in my life

00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:41,016

I'll never come so close

to finally having meaning.

00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,102

Come on, guys,

lasagna's ready.

00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:47,814

Oh, lasagna's ready.

00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,316

You hear that, Stan?

00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,361

Mom says lasagna is ready.

00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:55,489

I can see through

your sarcasm, Sharon.

00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:56,990

What are you

talking about?

00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,742

You can say it, Sharon.

00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,869

I know Bono

is better than me!

00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:04,081

I'm sorry I'm not Bono,

all right?!

00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,624

I'm sorry I don't

have billions of dollars

00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,959

and a Nobel-Prize

nomination!

00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:09,878

Randy, this is ridiculous.

00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,172

Oh, that's real mature,

Sharon.

00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,299

Just act like

everything is funny.

00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,051

It's a big joke to you,

isn't it?

00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,719

Just a big joke!

00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,388

Don't touch me!

00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:22,599

Can you believe him?

00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,811

All this over what guy

took the biggest crap!

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,479

You don't understand, Mom.

00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,022

You just don't

understand.

00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,983

Wha-wha...

00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,323

♪ The longest goodbye... ♪

00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:41,660

How come they just

let that Bono guy

00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:44,079

send a picture of his crap?

00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,081

'Cause he's Bono,

that's why.

00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,374

But he could have

faked it.

00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:48,500

It isn't fair.

00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:49,876

Doesn't matter.

00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,002

He's got

the record now.

00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,754

There's nothing

I can do.

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,965

Oh, yes, there is.

00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,341

You can

do it again.

00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,426

What?

00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,052

Think about it.

00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,137

You weren't even

trying to take

00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:01,888

the biggest

crap last time.

00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,433

Imagine if you actually

worked at it.

00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:05,976

Hey, hey,

that's right.

00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,477

No.

00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,312

I can't go through

all that again.

00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:10,313

It's too much.

00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:12,065

Come on, Randy.

00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,109

I'll bet you can crap

that big again easy!

00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,902

With the right diet

and training,

00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:17,446

who knows what

you're capable of?!

00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:18,488

Guys, forget it!

00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:19,990

It's over.

00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:21,158

It was a fluke crap.

00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,535

I'll never take one

that big again.

00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,245

Is it over, Randy?

00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,164

We all saw that

crap you took.

00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:28,915

That was no fluke.

00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,003

There's something inside you

that made you able to do it.

00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,921

Randy, you have a gift.

00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:37,591

Now, who knows why God

chose you, but he did.

00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,176

And if you walk away now,

00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:43,013

you'll always wonder

how big a crap

00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:45,974

you could have taken.

00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,186

I would need

a lot of help.

00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:50,854

That's what

we're here for.

00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,523

Come on, Randy,

what do you say?!

00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:56,026

I say...

00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:59,571

Let's give Bono

a run for his money.

00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,656

Yeah!

All right, Randy!

00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,201

Yeah!

00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:05,660

Yeah!

00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,289

This is CNN Headline News.

00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:11,500

Tonight, a possible attack

on Iran

00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:14,878

may mean the beginning of

a new war in the Middle East.

00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,713

Oh, no.

00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,716

But first, the record for

the world's biggest crap.

00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,176

Will it again be broken?

00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,719

Ugh!

00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:24,429

Randy Marsh of Colorado

is now three weeks

00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,431

into his quest

to make a new crap,

00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:30,143

spending nearly every waking

hour at P.F. Chang's.

00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,187

Is this really

news worthy?

00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,439

You just don't

understand.

00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:37,025

You're right, I don't.

00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,777

At the same time,

some people are questioning

00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,445

Bono's current record entry,

00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:43,448

saying, nobody has

ever seen it in person.

00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,116

Bono could not be reached

for comment

00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,744

as he is currently in

Africa, helping the needy.

00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:50,872

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,166

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,670

♪ Hello hello ♪

00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,840

Marsh is attempting to

break the record again.

00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,424

We thought you should know.

00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,969

He can't beat my

9 and a half courics!

00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:06,304

Well, he's going to try.

00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:07,973

Fine!

00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,641

But he has to take

the crap in front of you,

00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,017

in Zurich.

00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,895

Bono, we've never

had that rule before.

00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,231

It's the only way you can

know he's not cheating!

00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,484

If he doesn't crap in

Zurich, it shouldn't count!

00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,780

Ultrasound is

very simple, Mr. Marsh.

00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:24,739

We're going to use

harmless waves

00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,366

to look inside your belly.

00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:29,160

Just gonna put some warm gel

on your stomach first.

00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,453

Ooh.

00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:31,454

Okay, take a deep breath.

00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,791

I see the crap now.

00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:37,627

I can't say for sure,

but I'd say it's about...

00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,337

14 courics.

00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:40,630

14!

00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:41,673

That's great, Randy!

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,133

Can I see it?

00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,469

Sure, this is

your colon,

00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:49,347

and here... Is the feces

growing inside your belly.

00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,979

Ahh...

00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,572

Guys, we have a problem!

00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,324

I talked to the E.F.S.M.

And they say that Randy

00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:09,242

has to take

the crap in Zurich.

00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,785

In Zurich?!

00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,245

They say Bono is demanding it

00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,830

and that their hands

are tied.

00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,081

I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh.

00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:16,708

I cannot condone you

traveling on an airplane

00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,543

in your condition.

00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:21,630

It is never safe to fly

during your turd trimester.

00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:29,679

Hi, could I speak

with Mr. Bono, please?

00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,891

Mr. Bono, you have

a young gentlemen caller.

00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:37,520

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,022

Get the jet ready,

Belvis.

00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,649

I've got to be going.

00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,901

Hi, my name is Stan Marsh.

00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,278

My dad's trying to beat your

record for biggest crap.

00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:46,780

Oh, right.

00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,365

He can't make it

to Zurich, right?

00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:49,824

That's kind of

what I'm here for.

00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,993

Do you really need the biggest

crap record?

00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,286

Could you maybe

see your way to just

00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:55,246

letting my dad have

this one?

00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,040

Let him have it?

00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,750

Why would I

do that?

00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:01,002

Look, you gotta

understand, sir,

00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,088

my dad's never won an

award for anything.

00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,381

Ever.

00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,341

He doesn't have one

single trophy.

00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,134

I mean even I have

a second-place trophy

00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:10,220

for most Sports Illustrated

subscriptions sold.

00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:13,765

I have the first-place

trophy for that.

00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,518

Dude, don't you

have enough?

00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,269

I mean, you've got

tons of money, a jet,

00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,188

the biggest rock band

in the world,

00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,856

a hot wife,

and you've been knighted.

00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,358

I mean, at some point,

00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,443

can't you just kind of

fuck off?

00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,737

I want people to know

that I'm worth something,

00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,489

that I matter.

00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,574

All I'm asking is that maybe

with this one thing

00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,493

let my dad be number one

00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,453

and you can still be

number two.

00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,622

Number two?!

00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,374

Number two?!

00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,919

Nobody calls me that anymore

and gets away with it!

00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:44,713

Take it back!

00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,381

Take it back!

00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,340

I take it back!

00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,675

Say I'm not number two!

00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,093

You're not number two!

00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,095

That's right I'm not!

00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,764

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,102

What is wrong

with that guy?

00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,603

Your father is in

great danger.

00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:02,564

Come with me.

00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,489

Hrghh...

Ugh ugh...

00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,203

Hrghh...

Grrhh...

00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,539

Rrgghhh...

00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,167

It must be quite

a crap.

00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,252

Come on, Randy,

you have to push!

00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,087

Ahghghhggh...

00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,798

Ahghhhggh...

00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,593

What are you saying?

00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,219

How do you know my dad

is gonna die?!

00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:36,181

Because nobody has ever taken

a crap that big before.

00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,391

So Bono's newest

record is a lie!

00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,393

Look, I first new

something was wrong

00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:43,146

when I looked at Bono's first

award for biggest crap.

00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,607

It said

he took it in 1960.

00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,108

So?

00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,986

So that's the year

Bono was born.

00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:51,321

Then it all

made sense to me.

00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,865

How could Bono be so talented,

so caring,

00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,367

and yet seem

like such a piece of crap?

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,578

Because he is crap.

00:17:58,703 --> 00:17:59,621

Don't you get it?!

00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,831

Bono is not

the record holder...

00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:05,543

He's the record.

00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:07,420

Yes.

00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,507

Ahghgghgh...

00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:15,011

I can't do it,

I can't do it.

00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,055

The crap is simply

too big, Mr. Marsh.

00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,224

We must perform

a Caesarean.

00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,351

But then

does it still count?

00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,811

Oh, no!

00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:25,146

A biggest crap means

you crapped it out.

00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,357

I believe that's true.

00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:28,983

We are sorry,

Mr. Marsh,

00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,611

but if you cannot

crap out the crap,

00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:34,572

it's not really a crap.

00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,075

No, no...

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,827

There, there, Randy.

00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,371

You... You gave it

your best shot.

00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:42,539

I want my wife.

00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:43,748

Sharon?!

00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:44,707

Sharon?!

00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,459

What?

00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,169

I'm sorry, Sharon.

00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,755

I'm sorry that

I let you down.

00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,008

Sorry I can't crap

like Bono.

00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,677

Well, congratulations, Bono.

00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,221

It appears your

record is intact.

00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,806

I had a feeling

it would be.

00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,224

Wait, stop!

00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,476

Dad, your old crap counts!

00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,395

Bono never took a second crap

that beat yours!

00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,605

Get him out of here!

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,316

What are you talking about,

young man?

00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:12,193

Somebody's been

keeping it a secret.

00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:13,611

Bono was never the

record holder.

00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,780

He's the record.

00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,824

It's not true!

00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:19,033

Kill that kid!

00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:20,660

I want him dead!

00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,912

It's too late, Bono.

00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:25,498

The boy has

learned the truth.

00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,251

Heir Brolof,

what do you know of this?

00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:30,128

It's true, I'm afraid.

00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,089

You see, until Mr. Marsh

came along,

00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:36,009

I was the record

holder for the biggest crap.

00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:38,178

I took it back in 1960.

00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:40,763

It was the most amazing

crap I'd ever taken.

00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,223

Papa, no!

00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,475

Say nothing more!

00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:45,935

Come to me,

my darling precious child.

00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:56,196

After I had broken the record,

I took the crap home.

00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:59,699

I was so proud of it

that I decided to keep it,

00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,868

to try and raise it

like a child.

00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,286

No, Papa.

00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:05,121

No, Papa.

00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,333

There, there,

my little crap, don't cry.

00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,084

Here, do you want

the biddy?

00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,502

Hmm?

00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,171

Does Bono

want the biddy?

00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,675

Yes, he likes

the biddy, doesn't he?

00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,844

Dude.

00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,930

I kept the crap

in my office.

00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,640

Nursed it, fed it biddy.

00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,975

And soon

biddy made him strong,

00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,602

biddy made him grow up...

00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,521

Into one of the most influential

figures of our time.

00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,815

Easy, Bono,

that hurts the biddy.

00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:35,068

Biddy!

00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:38,363

My little crap has

accomplished many things,

00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:39,781

but he could never

shed the fact

00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:43,076

that he was

really a number two.

00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:45,453

So he spent his life trying

to be number one...

00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,080

In everything.

00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:48,748

That's why he's

able to do so much,

00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:50,333

try to help so many people,

00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,085

but still seem like

such a piece of shit.

00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:53,711

You have blemished

00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,713

this noble society's

good name, Heir Brolof!

00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,048

Have I?!

00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:59,175

Look at the crap I took

all those years ago!

00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,302

Bono is now

almost six feet tall

00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,304

and over 80 courics

in weight!

00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,014

No matter

how you look at it,

00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,600

he is still the record!

00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,435

Oh, God, here it comes!

00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:10,770

Oh, hot, hot,

hot, hot!

00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:13,022

Hot, hot,

hot, hot, hot, hot!

00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:16,025

Ha-ha-haaa...

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,282

My God!

00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:24,909

It must over

100 courics!

00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,035

Dad, are you all right?

00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,453

Yeah, I'm...

00:21:27,578 --> 00:21:28,746

Yeah, I'm good.

00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:30,081

I feel a lot better.

00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,208

Mr. Marsh, we apologize.

00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,211

And if it's okay with you,

we would like to present you

00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:38,131

your long-overdue trophy.

00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:41,384

Thrrrrpt!

00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,700

Все персонажи и события в этом шоу, даже те, которые основаны

на реальных людях, являются полностью вымышленными.

00:00:03,700 --> 00:00:05,300

Все известные голоса исполнены.. неудачно.

00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:08,300

Следующая программа содержит нецензурные выражения или оскорбления и вследствие чего эта передача не должна просматриваться кем-либо.

00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:09,000

Перевод Виктор Д.

00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,500

♪ Я ухожу в Южный Парк, буду проводить своё время,

00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:16,059

♪ Дружелюбные лица везде, скромные люди без соблазна,

00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:19,250

♪ Я иду в Южный Парк, собираюсь оставить мои беды позади

00:00:19,250 --> 00:00:22,722

♪ Просторная парковка днём или ночью,

люди, восклицающие: "Привет, сосед",

00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:26,000

♪ Я отправляюсь в Южный Парк, посмотрю, смогу ли я расслабиться

00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,100

♪ Мне нравятся девки с большими жирными сиськами,

мне нравятся девки с большими жирными сиськами,

00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:33,300

♪ Так приходите в Южный Парк и встречайте некоторых моих друзей.

00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:39,070

Большое дерьмо

1109

00:00:39,078 --> 00:00:45,666

- Ну, нет никаких сомнений, на мой взгляд, м-р Марш. У вас запор.

- Спасибо за экстренное сообщение!

00:00:45,686 --> 00:00:52,000

Я не откладывал дерьмо больше трёх недель! Вопрос - почему?

- Ну, какую еду вы ели?

00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:57,828

- P.F. Чанг в основном. Хорошая еда.

- Я собираюсь прописать слабительное.

00:00:57,848 --> 00:01:04,389

Но я должен предупредить вас: Когда вы, наконец,

'отбросите канат', это может быть очень болезненно.

00:01:04,409 --> 00:01:35,984

Как больно это "болезненно"? О Боже. О, вот оно лезет.

Ох, вот оно! Горячо, горячо! Ух, вот, горячо!

00:01:36,004 --> 00:01:56,185

О, всё кончено. Всё кончено. О Боже. Я чувствую себя

намного лучше. Ничего себе. Оно огромное.

00:01:56,205 --> 00:02:07,711

Это, должно быть, самое большое дерьмо, что я откладывал.

Эй, эй, Шэрон. Шэрон, ты должна подойти увидеть это. Шэ-Шэрон!

00:02:07,731 --> 00:02:11,343

- В чём дело, Рэнди? У тебя что.. О, Рэнди!

- Ты посмотришь на это?

00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:16,000

Это ли не самое большое дерьмо, которое ты когда видела, или как?

- Спусти воду в туалете ради Христа!

00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:21,587

- Давай! Это очень впечатляет. Эй Стэн! Стэн, посмотри на это.

- Рэнди!

00:02:21,607 --> 00:02:24,332

- Смотри, что твой старик сделал.

- Быть того не может!

00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:27,428

- А? Никогда не видел такого большого, не так ли?

- Нет, никогда.

00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:31,762

- Непристойно, папа, жутко!

- Хорошо, ты спустишь воду в туалете теперь?

00:02:31,782 --> 00:02:36,795

Я постараюсь, но я не думаю, что..

П-подожди минуту. Я должен позвонить Джимбо сначала.

00:02:36,815 --> 00:02:39,273

- Зачем?

- Он должен это увидеть.

00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:44,200

- Нет, мы смоем туалет прямо сейчас!

- Нет! Джимбо должен увидеть это, так, когда я расскажу ребятам

00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:48,700

сколь большое оно было, они будут знать, я не вру!

- О, ради любви к Богу, Рэнди!

00:02:48,700 --> 00:02:57,832

Шэрон, это важно. Стэн, пойди позвони

своему дяде Джимбо. Я буду охранять.

00:02:57,852 --> 00:03:00,593

- Привет, ребята!

- Привет, Рэнди.

00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:03,974

- Ты чувствуешь себя лучше?

- Да, я полностью в порядке сейчас.

00:03:03,994 --> 00:03:08,811

Вы, ребята, должны были видеть то дерьмо, которое Рэнди высрал

вчера вечером. Это было, не кривя, душой самое большое дерьмо,

00:03:08,831 --> 00:03:12,921

что кто-либо когда-либо высрал. В истории.

- Ну я не знаю, как когда-либо..

00:03:12,941 --> 00:03:17,963

- Я говорю вам, эта штука была размером с чёртов футбольный мяч.

- Я думаю, оно было довольно большим.

00:03:17,983 --> 00:03:21,562

- Футбольный? Это удивительно.

- Я никогда не слышал о таком большом.

00:03:21,582 --> 00:03:30,798

О, мой брат наложил дерьма однажды, оно было огромным.

Оно было самое большое в истории мира, я думаю.

00:03:30,818 --> 00:03:38,279

- Оно не было больше, чем было моё.

- О, нет, серьёзно, это дерьмо было монстром.

00:03:38,299 --> 00:03:43,593

- Моё.. Моё было больше.

- Я сомневаюсь в этом.

00:03:43,613 --> 00:03:54,627

- Хочешь посмотреть?

- О, чёрт, мой Боже.

00:03:54,647 --> 00:03:58,852

- Оно не взаправду вылезло из твоей жопы.

- О, да, оно вылезло.

00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:02,410

Давай, проверь его на трещины. Это один цельный кусок.

- Иисус..

00:04:02,430 --> 00:04:08,683

- Это ну, немного больше, чем твоего брата, Джеральд?

- Это.. не от мира сего.

00:04:08,703 --> 00:04:15,029

Рэнди, ты звонил людям в Книгу рекордов Гиннеса? Я имею в виду,

оно может взаправду стать крупнейшим дерьмом в истории.

00:04:15,049 --> 00:04:23,212

- Вот почему я должен обеспечить его сохранность.

- Рэнди Марш! /- Вот дерьмо!

00:04:23,232 --> 00:04:28,674

- О чём, чёрт возьми ты думаешь, храня эту хрень в нашем доме?

- Ребята соглашаются, Шэрон: Оно может быть рекордсменом.

00:04:28,694 --> 00:04:39,769

- Почему мужики так одержимы тем, сколь велико их дерьмо?

- Книга рекордов Гиннесса Америки. Чем я могу помочь вам?

00:04:39,789 --> 00:04:49,795

Самое большое дерьмо? Мы, на самом деле, не отслеживаем

такие рекорды, сэр. Потому, что мы не хотим.

00:04:49,815 --> 00:04:54,101

Смотрите, мы получаем звонки от мужчин, всё время,

которые считают, что они высрали самое большое дерьмо,

00:04:54,106 --> 00:05:00,046

и мы просто не можем выполнить все измерения и проверки.

Вам нужно позвонить в европейскую Службу Фекальных

00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:10,203

Стандартов и Измерений в Цюрихе. Пожалуйста.

Боже, ещё один. Книга рекордов Гиннесса Америки.

00:05:10,223 --> 00:05:18,675

Да, привет. Меня зовут Рэнди Марш

и я считаю, я высрал самое большое дерьмо в мире.

00:05:18,695 --> 00:05:31,832

Вам нужно позвонить в европейскую Службу Фекальных Стандартов

и Измерений в Цюрихе. Их номер указан на их сайте.

00:05:31,852 --> 00:05:36,466

Херр президент, взгляните на это.

Это дерьмо послано к нам из Соединённых Штатов.

00:05:36,486 --> 00:05:43,356

- Очень мило. Было ли оно проверено на достоверность?

- Похоже, что оно неподдельное, основываясь на фото.

00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:56,253

По нашим оценкам это дерьмо более восьми с половиной Куриков!

- Нам лучше сесть в самолёт. Прямо сейчас.

00:05:56,273 --> 00:06:02,075

- Hm, enshnusen?

- Verron snusunarich.

00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:09,658

- Какова была ваша основная диета для этого дерьма, м-р Марш?

- В основном P.F. Чанг. Цыплёнок генерала Цао.

00:06:09,678 --> 00:06:16,273

И много чёрти-какого дерьма от тётушки Джемайм по утрам.

- Я полагаю, что я нашёл немного капусты также?

00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:21,534

- О, да, я ел много у Ким Чи.

- Вы, должно быть, издеваетесь надо мною.

00:06:21,554 --> 00:06:28,500

- Эти ребята из Цюриха, Шэрон! Они европейцы!

- Это громадное дерьмо, м-р Марш.

00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:35,071

- Ради Бога!

- Ваше дерьмо официально весит 8,6 Куриков.

00:06:35,091 --> 00:06:39,052

- Куриков?

- Это стандарт измерения человеческих экскрементов.

00:06:39,072 --> 00:06:47,527

Некоей Кэти Курик (телеведущей), примерно 2,5 фунта кала.

- Текущий рекорд - это дерьмо весом 7,5 Куриков.

00:06:47,547 --> 00:06:53,000

- Но это значит, что..

- Это верно. Вы новый мировой чемпион!

00:06:53,000 --> 00:07:02,825

В самом деле? Вы имеете в виду, на самом деле?

Эй, Стэн! Эй, Шэрон! Эй, все!

00:07:02,845 --> 00:07:10,488

Ну, я думаю, нам лучше позвонить предыдущему чемпиону

и дать ему знать, что его рекорд был только что побит.

00:07:10,508 --> 00:07:16,054

Он выиграл двадцать две Грэмми, бесчисленные гуманитарные

награды и единственный человек, когда-либо

00:07:16,074 --> 00:07:28,425

номинированной на премию Американской киноакадемии, Золотой

Глобус и Нобелевскую премию мира. Дамы и господа, Боно!

00:07:28,445 --> 00:07:37,719

Спасибо. Огромное спасибо за этой новейшую премию, это так много

значит. О, извините. Я должен получить ещё одну награду. Да?

00:07:37,739 --> 00:07:45,315

Да, Боно. Сэр, мы хотели бы сообщить вам, что ваш рекорд

на крупнейшее дерьмо только что был побит.

00:07:45,335 --> 00:08:00,148

- Что? Это невозможно! Сколь большое оно было?

- Мы здесь, чтобы чествовать первого американца,

00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:07,655

принёсшего на родину известную EFSM медаль

за крупнейшее дерьмо, когда-либо отложенное.

00:08:07,675 --> 00:08:21,188

- Эй, смотри, Шэрон, это президент! Эй, эй, Шэрон!

- Для вручения награды я приглашаю к вам директора EFSM, сэра Орлова Бролова.

00:08:21,208 --> 00:08:27,177

Спасибо, сенатор. На протяжении более ста лет

европейская (служба) Фекальных Стандартов и измер..

00:08:27,183 --> 00:08:32,214

- Херр Бролов! Херр Бролов!

- Das shpoitenhoff?

00:08:32,234 --> 00:08:39,677

А дамы и господа, как я понимаю, мы только что получили

специальную видеоплёнку с сообщением от Боно.

00:08:39,697 --> 00:08:45,521

- Боно? Круто!

- Можем ли мы проиграть плёнку на большом экране, пожалуйста?

00:08:45,541 --> 00:09:03,227

Привет всем! Я Боно. Много лет, это было моим долгом,

попытаться обратить внимание на нужды Африки.

00:09:03,247 --> 00:09:14,983

И сегодня, у меня есть очень волнующие новости. Вчера вечером,

в 8:20, я высрал дерьмо весом девять с половиной Куриков.

00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:19,500

- Боно?

- Как вы можете видеть, это один цельный кусок.

00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:31,883

Это моё самое большое дерьмо на сегодняшний день.

И я клянусь его подлинности. Спасибо, и благословит вас Бог.

00:09:31,903 --> 00:09:48,851

Вы слышали это, дамы и господа! Официально

крупнейшее дерьмо - 9,5 Куриков! Поздравляем Боно!

00:09:57,382 --> 00:10:08,270

- Папа, гм.. Я думаю, что ужин почти готов.

- Я почти сделал это. Я почти сделал что-то самостоятельно.

00:10:08,290 --> 00:10:15,341

Ты знаешь, когда ты подбираешься так близко, ты

начинаешь думать, что, может быть, твоя жизнь чего-то стоит.

00:10:15,361 --> 00:10:24,634

Я имею в виду, это было что-то, что я сделал!

То, что вышло из меня! Это было частью меня!

00:10:24,654 --> 00:10:33,000

То единственное, что я когда-либо сделал, что было стоящим.

- Ну и дела, спасибо, папа.

00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:41,823

Не за что. И я просто.. Я знаю, что это конец моей жизни,

я никогда не буду так близко, чтобы, наконец, обрести смысл.

00:10:41,843 --> 00:10:50,000

- Давайте, ребята. Лазанья готова.

- О. Лазанья готова. Ты слышишь это, Стэн?

00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:57,900

Мама говорит, лазанья готова. Я понял твой сарказм, Шэрон!

- О чём ты говоришь?

00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:04,432

Ты можешь сказать так, Шэрон! Я знаю, Боно лучше меня!

Мне жаль, что я не Боно, хорошо?

00:11:04,452 --> 00:11:08,545

Прости, что у меня нет миллиардов долларов

и номинации на Нобелевскую премию!

00:11:08,565 --> 00:11:12,748

- Рэнди, это смешно.

- О, это детский сад, Шэрон!

00:11:12,768 --> 00:11:21,471

Просто ведёшь себя, будто всё смешно! Это большая шутка для

тебя, не так ли? Просто большая шутка! Не прикасайся ко мне!

00:11:21,491 --> 00:11:26,375

Можете ли вы поверить ему? Всё это по поводу того,

кто из мужиков наложил самое большое дерьмо.

00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:40,000

- Ты не понимаешь, мама. Ты просто не понимаешь.

- Что? Что?

00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:46,663

- Почему они позволяют этому парню Боне просто прислать

фотографию своего дерьма? /- Потому что оно Боно, вот почему.

00:11:46,683 --> 00:11:54,114

- Но он мог бы подделать его. Это не справедливо!

- Не важно. У него теперь рекорд, я ничего не могу поделать.

00:11:54,134 --> 00:11:57,977

- О, да, есть! Ты мог бы сделать это снова.

- Что?

00:11:57,997 --> 00:12:04,960

Подумай об этом. Ты даже не пытался высрать крупнейшее дерьмо

в прошлый раз. Представь, что ты на самом деле работал над ним!

00:12:04,980 --> 00:12:11,164

- Эй. Эй, это так.

- Нет. Я не смогу пройти через всё это опять. Это слишком тяжело.

00:12:11,184 --> 00:12:14,865

Давай, Рэнди. Бьюсь об заклад, ты можешь наложить

такое большое дерьмо снова запросто!

00:12:14,885 --> 00:12:21,800

- При правильной диете и тренировке, кто знает на что ты способен?

- Ребята, забудьте об этом! Всё кончено! Это было случайное дерьмо.

00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:28,011

Я никогда не отложу такого большого снова!

- Всё кончено, Рэнди? Мы все видели то дерьмо, что ты высрал!

00:12:28,031 --> 00:12:36,400

Это не было случайностью! Есть что-то внутри тебя, что сделало

тебя способным сделать это! Рэнди, у тебя есть дар. И, кто знает,

00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:47,410

почему Бог избрал тебя, но он избрал! И если ты отступишь сейчас,

ты будешь всегда гадать, сколь большое дерьмо ты мог бы высрать.

00:12:47,430 --> 00:12:51,561

- Мне понадобиться большая помощь.

- Вот зачем мы здесь.

00:12:51,581 --> 00:13:05,000

- Давай, Рэнди, что скажешь?

- Я говорю.. Давайте дадим Боно бой!

00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:09,998

Это сводка новостей CNN.

00:13:10,018 --> 00:13:17,423

Сегодня вечером, возможное нападение на Иран может

означать начало новой войны на Ближнем Востоке. /- О нет.

00:13:17,443 --> 00:13:25,174

Но, сначала, рекорд на самое большое дерьмо в мире, будет ли

он снова побит? Рэнди Марш из Колорадо три недели

00:13:25,194 --> 00:13:31,190

в своём порыве отложить новое дерьмо.

Проводит почти каждый час бодрствования в P.F. Чанг.

00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:35,930

- Это действительно заслуживает освещёния в печати?

- Ты просто не понимаешь.

00:13:35,950 --> 00:13:39,765

- Ты прав. Мне не понять.

- В то же время, некоторые люди задаются вопросом,

00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:44,086

действующим зафиксированным рекордом Боны,

вобщем-то никто и никогда не видел его в лицо.

00:13:44,106 --> 00:13:55,240

Бона не доступен для объяснений,

так как он сейчас в Африке помогает нуждающимся.

00:13:55,260 --> 00:14:00,568

- Привет, привет.

- Марш пытается побить рекорд ещё раз.

00:14:00,588 --> 00:14:05,118

Мы думали, что вы должны знать.

- Он не может побить мои девять с половиной Куриков!

00:14:05,138 --> 00:14:11,739

- Ну, он будет попробовать.

- Прекрасно, но он должен отложить дерьмо перед вами! В Цюрихе.

00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:16,738

- Боно, у нас никогда не было таких правил раньше.

- Это единственный способ, как вы можете знать, что он не обманывает.

00:14:16,758 --> 00:14:24,473

Если он не насерет в Цюрихе, он не должен учитываться!

- Ультразвук это очень просто, м-р Марш.

00:14:24,493 --> 00:14:30,978

Мы используем безвредные волны, чтобы заглянуть внутрь вашего

живота. Только наложим немного тёплого геля на живот сначала.

00:14:30,998 --> 00:14:41,000

Так, сделайте глубокий вдох. Я вижу дерьмо теперь. Я не могу

сказать наверняка, но я, я бы сказал, оно около 14 Куриков.

00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,531

- Четырнадцать?!

- Это здорово, Рэнди!

- Могу, могу ли я увидеть его?

00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:59,811

Конечно. Это ваша толстая кишка, и здесь,

фекалии, растущие внутри вашего живота.

00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:10,433

Ребята, у нас есть проблема! Я разговаривал с EFSM и они говорят,

что Рэнди должен откладывать дерьмо в Цюрихе.

00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:14,418

- В Цюрихе?

- Они говорят, что Бона требует этого, и что у них связаны руки.

00:15:14,438 --> 00:15:18,769

Мне очень жаль м-р Марш. Я, я не могу закрыть глаза

на ваше путешествие на самолёте в вашем состоянии.

00:15:18,789 --> 00:15:28,184

Никогда не бывает безопасно летать во время вашего

какашечного трёхмесячного срока.

00:15:28,204 --> 00:15:38,468

- Привет, могу я поговорить с м-ром Боно, пожалуйста?

- М-р Боно, у вас молодой джентльмен в гостях.

00:15:38,488 --> 00:15:43,716

- Подготовь лайнер, Бовис! Я должен лететь.

- Привет, меня зовут Стэн Марш.

00:15:43,736 --> 00:15:49,147

Мой отец пытается побить ваш рекорд на большущее дерьмо.

- Ну правильно. Он не может сделать это в Цюрихе, не так ли?

00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:52,944

Это вот для чего я здесь. Вам действительно нужен

рекорд на самое большое дерьмо?

00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,935

Не могли бы вы, может, смотрите, идите своей дорогой

и отдайте моему папе этот рекорд?

00:15:56,955 --> 00:16:01,569

- Отдать ему рекорд? Зачем мне это делать?

- Слушайте, вы должны понять, сэр.

00:16:01,589 --> 00:16:06,920

Мой отец никогда не получил премию ни за что. Никогда.

Он не имеет ни одного одной награды.

00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:11,883

Я имею в виду, даже у меня есть награда за второе место за самое

большое количество проданных подписок на Спортс Иллюстрейтед.

00:16:11,903 --> 00:16:19,000

- У меня есть приз за первое место в этом.

- Чувак, тебе не достаточно ли? Я имею в виду у вас есть куча денег,

00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:23,500

самолёт, и самая большая рок-группа

в мире, страстная жена и.. Вы стали рыцарем. Я имею в виду,

00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:30,051

в какой-то момент, вы не можете просто вроде.. отвалить?

- Я хочу, чтобы люди знали, что я чего-то стою. Что я важен.

00:16:30,071 --> 00:16:36,833

Всё, что я прошу, может быть, с этим одним делом, пусть

мой отец будет номером один. И вы можете быть номером 2.

00:16:36,853 --> 00:16:47,200

Номером два? Номер два! Никто не называет меня так более и

проваливай с этим! Забери слова обратно! Забери слова обратно!

00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,500

- Беру свои слова обратно!

- Скажи, что я не номер два!

00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:57,682

- Вы не номер два!

- Это правильно! Я не второй!

00:16:57,702 --> 00:17:12,785

- Что не так с этим парнем?

- Твой отец находится в серьёзной опасности. Пойдём со мной!

00:17:19,377 --> 00:17:31,425

- Это должно быть стоящее дерьмо.

- Давай, Рэнди. Ты должен поднажать!

00:17:31,445 --> 00:17:37,065

- Что вы говорите? Откуда вы знаете, мой папа должен умереть?

- Потому что никто никогда не высерал дерьмо такое большое раньше.

00:17:37,085 --> 00:17:41,272

- Так новейший рекорд Боно - это ложь!

- Слушай, я впервые понял, что что-то не так,

00:17:41,292 --> 00:17:47,573

когда я взглянул на первую награду Боны за крупнейшее дерьмо.

Сказано, что он получил её в 1960 году. /- Ну и что?

00:17:47,593 --> 00:17:52,455

Так это был год, когда Боно родился.

Тогда всё это обрело смысл для меня.

00:17:52,475 --> 00:17:57,368

Как мог Боно быть таким талантливым,

таким заботливым и ещё казаться таким куском дерьма?

00:17:57,388 --> 00:18:04,948

Потому что он и есть дерьмо.

Разве ты не понимаешь? Боно не рекордсмен..

00:18:04,968 --> 00:18:12,000

- Он и есть рекорд.

- Да.

00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,701

Я не могу это сделать! Я не могу это сделать!

00:18:15,716 --> 00:18:20,267

Дерьмо просто слишком большое, м-р Марш.

Мы должны сделать кесарево сечение!

00:18:20,287 --> 00:18:26,284

- Но тогда он ещё учтётся?

- О, нет! Самое большое дерьмо значит, что вы высрали его!

00:18:26,304 --> 00:18:35,455

Я думаю, что это правда. Извините, м-р Марш, но если вы

не сможете высрать это дерьмо.. Это не совсем дерьмо.

00:18:35,475 --> 00:18:42,277

- Нет.. Нет.

- Ну, ну, Рэнди. Ты сделал свою лучшую попытку.

00:18:42,297 --> 00:18:48,000

- Я хочу мою жену. Шэрон? Шэрон?

- Что?

00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:54,972

Мне очень жаль, Шэрон. Мне жаль, что я подвёл тебя.

Жаль, что я не могу наделать как Боно.

00:18:54,992 --> 00:19:00,500

- Ну поздравляю, Боно, похоже, ваш рекорд не повреждён.

- У меня было ощущение, что так будет.

00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:07,437

Подождите! Стойте! Папа, твоё старое дерьмо учтено.

Боно никогда не откладывал второе дерьмо, побившее твоё.

00:19:07,457 --> 00:19:11,130

- Уберите его отсюда!

- О чём вы говорите, молодой человек?

00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:17,542

Кто-то держал это в секрете.

Боно никогда не был рекордсменом! Он и есть рекорд.

00:19:17,562 --> 00:19:26,347

- Это не правда! Убейте ребёнка! Я хочу, чтобы он умер!

- Уже слишком поздно, Боно. Этот мальчик узнал правду.

00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:33,947

- Херр Бролов, что вы знаете об этом?

- Это правда, я боюсь. Видите ли, пока не возник м-р Марш,

00:19:33,967 --> 00:19:41,200

я был рекордсменом по крупнейшему дерьму. Я отложил его

в 1960 году. Это было самое удивительное дерьмо,

00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,185

которое я когда-либо высрал.

- Паппа, нет! Не говори ничего больше!

00:19:45,205 --> 00:19:57,239

Иди ко мне, мой дорогой, драгоценный ребёнок.

После того, как я побил рекорд, я взял дерьмо домой.

00:19:57,259 --> 00:20:02,702

Я был так горд этим, что я решил оставить его,

чтобы попытаться вырастить его, как ребёнка.

00:20:02,722 --> 00:20:12,098

- Нет, папа. Нет, папа.

- Ну, ну, моё маленькое дерьмо. Не плачь. На, ты хочешь 'сиську'?

00:20:12,118 --> 00:20:20,650

Хочет ли Боно 'сиську'? Да, он любит 'сиську', не так ли?

- Обалдеть.

00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:28,304

Я держал дерьмо в моём кабинете, нянчил его, кормил его 'сиськой'.

И скоро, 'сиська' сделала его сильным. 'Сиська' вырастила его!

00:20:28,324 --> 00:20:36,319

В одну из самых влиятельных фигур нашего времени.

Легче Боно, так больно 'сиське'. /- 'Сиська'.

00:20:36,339 --> 00:20:41,000

Моё маленькое дерьмо достигло многих вещей.

Но оно никогда не могло избавиться от того факта,

00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:47,544

что оно в действительности было номер два.

Так, он провёл свою жизнь, пытаясь быть номером один, во всём.

00:20:47,564 --> 00:20:53,365

Вот почему он в состоянии сделать так много, пытается помочь

так многим людям, но всё ещё кажется таким куском дерьма.

00:20:53,385 --> 00:21:00,131

- Вы запятнали доброе имя этого благородного общества, Херр Бролов.

- Разве? Посмотрите на это дерьмо, что я высрал много лет назад!

00:21:00,151 --> 00:21:08,362

Боно теперь почти 6 футов в высоту и более 80 Куриков весом!

Неважно, как вы смотрите на это, он до сих пор рекорд!

00:21:08,382 --> 00:21:21,309

О Боже, вот оно! О, горячо, горячо, горячо, горячо!

Горячо, горячо, горячо, горячо, горячо! Горячо! Горячо!

00:21:21,329 --> 00:21:25,741

- Боже мой..

- Оно должно быть более сотни Куриков!

00:21:25,761 --> 00:21:31,242

- Папа, ты в порядке?

- Да, я.. Нет. Я в порядке! Чувствую себя намного лучше.

00:21:31,262 --> 00:21:55,870

М-р Марш, мы приносим свои извинения, и если всё в порядке

с вами.. Мы хотели бы вручить вам.. вашу запоздалую награду.

00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:55,910

.

00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:11,762

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:13,639

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:15,391

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,517

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:18,477

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,229

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,814

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,190

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,984

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:28,237

♪ ( mumbling ) ♪

00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,197

♪ Come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,699

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,329

Ugh...

00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,165

Brawghghh...

00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:40,833

Well, there's no doubt

in my mind, Mr. Marsh.

00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,835

You are constipated.

00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,503

Thanks for the news flash.

00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:47,214

I haven't taken a crap

in over three weeks.

00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,216

The question is: why?

00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,926

Well, what food

have you been eating?

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,553

P.F. Chang's mostly.

00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,096

Good stuff.

00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,098

I'm going to

prescribe a laxative.

00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,225

But I must warn you,

00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:00,352

when you do finally

pass this stool,

00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:03,064

it might be very painful.

00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:05,399

How painful is painful?

00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:08,319

Hurhgghghgh...

00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:09,320

Hurhghghgghgh...

00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:14,408

( panting )

00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:17,036

Hurhghghghh...

00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,163

Oh, God,

oh, here it comes.

00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,291

Ahghggh aahghhghggh

ahghghghgghgh...

00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,334

Oh, hot!

00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,628

Oh, hot, hot,

hot, hot...

00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:28,005

Ahahghghggh!

00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:28,631

Ahghgghghghghgh!

00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,049

Oh, hot!

00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,384

Oh, hot, hot,

hot, hot...

00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:33,427

Ahhghgh!

00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:34,637

Ahghh...

00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,264

( sobbing )

00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,934

Oh, it's over,

it's over.

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:44,188

Oh, God,

I feel so much better.

00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,397

Oh.

00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,237

Wow.

00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:54,323

That is huge.

00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:59,787

That has got to be the biggest

crap I've ever taken.

00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:02,039

Hey-- hey, Sharon.

00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:05,459

Sharon, you gotta

come see this.

00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,794

Sh-Sharon?

00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:07,920

What is it, Randy?

00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,797

Do you have any--

oh, Randy!

00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,507

Will you look at that?

00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,592

Is that the biggest crap

you've ever seen or what?

00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,094

Flush the toilet,

for Christ's sake!

00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,054

Come on,

that's pretty impressive.

00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,347

Hey, Stan!

00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,099

Stan, look at this.

00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,350

Randy!

00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,060

Look what your

old man made.

00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,520

No way!

- Huh?

00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:25,938

Never seen one

that big, have you?

00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:26,772

No, never.

00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,816

Gross, Dad, sick!

00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,693

All right, will you

flush the toilet now?

00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,028

I'll try,

but I don't think--

00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:34,822

Wait, wait, wait,

wait a minute.

00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:35,739

I gotta call Jimbo first.

00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:37,116

Why?!

00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,534

He's got to see this.

00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,661

No, we are flushing

the toilet right now.

00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,246

No, Jimbo

has to see it

00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:43,747

so when I tell all the guys

how big it was

00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,666

they'll know

I'm not lying!

00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,626

Oh, for the love

of God, Randy!

00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,670

Sharon, this is important!

00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:51,130

Stan, go call your

Uncle Jimbo.

00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:53,174

I'm gonna stand guard.

00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,468

( men laughing )

00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,095

Hey, guys.

00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,597

Hey, Randy.

- Oh, hey, Randy.

00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,140

Are you feeling

better?

00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,725

Yeah, no,

I'm totally fine now.

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,476

You guys should have seen

00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,187

the crap Randy took

last night.

00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,272

It was honestly

the biggest crap

00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,357

anyone has ever

taken ever.

00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,067

Oh, I don't

know about ever.

00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,444

I'm telling you

this thing

00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:15,571

was the size

of a freaking football.

00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,489

I guess it was

pretty big.

00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:18,490

A football?

00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:19,825

Well, that's amazing.

00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,660

I've never heard

of one that big.

00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,913

No, no, my brother took a

crap once that was enormous.

00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:25,456

It was the biggest

00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:26,582

in the history of

the world, I think.

00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,335

Ha-ha ha

- Ha-ha-ha.

00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,671

It wasn't bigger

than mine was.

00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:35,174

No, no, seriously,

this crap was a monster!

00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:37,259

( laughing )

00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,929

Mine...

Mine was bigger.

00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,430

I doubt it.

00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:45,351

You wanna see it?

00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,443

Oh, my freaking Lord.

00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,820

That did not seriously

come out of your ass.

00:03:56,946 --> 00:03:58,322

Oh, yes it did.

00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,657

Go ahead

and check it for splits.

00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:00,991

It's one solid piece.

00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:02,159

Jesus.

00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:03,702

That, uh, a little

bigger than

00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,120

your brother's

there, Gerald?

00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:08,457

It's... otherworldly.

00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,708

Randy, have you

called the people from

00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,335

Guinness Book of

World Records?

00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,753

I mean,

this might seriously be

00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,755

the biggest crap

in history.

00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,259

That's why I gotta

make sure to keep it safe.

00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,387

Randy Marsh.

00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:22,972

Oh, crap!

00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:24,348

What the hell do you

think you're doing

00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,766

keeping that

thing in our house?!

00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:26,934

The guys agree, Sharon.

00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,602

It could be

a record holder.

00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:31,438

Why are men so obsessed with

how big their crap is?!

00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,402

Guinness World

Records America.

00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:38,112

How can I help you?

00:04:38,237 --> 00:04:41,949

The biggest crap?

00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:46,620

We actually don't keep track

of that record, sir.

00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,707

Because we don't want to.

00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:52,084

Look, we get calls

from men all the time

00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,794

who believe they took

the biggest crap,

00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,087

and we simply can't handle

00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,131

all the measuring

and verification.

00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,924

You need to call

00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:00,926

"The European Fecal Standards

and Measurements Office"

00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,553

in Zurich.

00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,555

You're welcome.

00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,432

Jeez, another one.

00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:07,933

( phone ringing )

00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,685

Guinness World

Records America.

00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,146

Uh, yes, hello, my name

is Randy Marsh,

00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:16,567

and I believe I took

the world's biggest crap.

00:05:16,692 --> 00:05:18,027

( sighing )

00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,653

You need to call

00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,363

"The European Fecal Standards

and Measurements Office"

00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,906

in Zurich.

00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:25,701

Their number is

listed on their website.

00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,125

Heir president,

take a look at this.

00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,294

It is a crap sent to us

from the United States.

00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,796

Very nice.

00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,465

Has it been checked

for accuracy?

00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:41,300

It appears to be

legitimate.

00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,844

Based on the photo,

we estimate that the crap

00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,847

is over 8 and a half courics!

00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:51,060

We better get on

a plane right away.

00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,524

Hmm, ern snussen?

00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,443

Brier en snussen aitch.

00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:01,528

( sniffing )

00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:05,240

What was your primary diet

for this poo, Mr. Marsh?

00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,117

Mostly P.F. Chang's,

00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,787

General Tso's chicken,

and then a lot of

00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:13,123

Aunt Jemima frozen sausage

biscuits in the mornings.

00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,793

I believe I detect

some cabbage as well?

00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,836

Oh, yes, I had

a lot of kimchi.

00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,798

You have got to be

kidding me.

00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,841

These guys are

from Zurich, Sharon!

00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,093

They're Europeans!

00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,678

It is a tremendous crap,

Mr. Marsh.

00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:29,098

For the love of God.

00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:34,019

Your crap officially

weighs 8.6 courics.

00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,604

Courics?

00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,148

The standard measuring unit

for human feces.

00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:40,109

One Katie Couric

is approximately

00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,236

2 and a half

pounds of excrement.

00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:45,906

The current record is a crap

weighing 7.5 courics.

00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,658

But that means...

00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:49,076

That's right.

00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,370

You are the new

world champion!

00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:52,579

Really?!

00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,373

You mean-- really?!

00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:55,749

( laughing hysterically )

00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,086

Hey, Stan!

Hey, Sharon!

00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:01,255

Hey, everybody!

00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:04,508

Well, I guess we better call

the old champion

00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:08,762

and let him know his

record has just been broken.

00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,682

He has won 22 Grammys,

00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,392

countless

humanitarian awards,

00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,894

and is the only person ever

to be nominated

00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,229

for an Academy Award,

00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,940

a Golden Globe,

and the Nobel Peace Prize.

00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,901

Ladies and gentlemen, Bono.

00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,653

( applause )

00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,282

Thank you.

00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:29,908

Thank you so much for

this newest award.

00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,660

It means so much.

00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,328

( phone ringing )

00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:34,496

Oh, excuse me.

00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,165

I must be getting

another award.

00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,249

Yes?

00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:38,667

Yes, Bono, sir,

00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,419

We wish to inform you

that your record

00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:44,089

for biggest crap

has just been broken.

00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:45,215

What?!

00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:46,633

That's impossible!

00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,635

How big was it?!

00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:57,853

We are here to honor

00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,063

the first

American to bring home

00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:02,691

the distinguished

E.F.S.M. Medal

00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,985

for "biggest crap ever taken."

00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,072

Hey, look, Sharon,

it's the president!

00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:10,908

Hey, hey, Sharon.

00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,910

To present the award,

00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,370

I give you

the dean of the E.F.S.M.,

00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:17,247

Sir Orlaf Brolof.

00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:19,374

( cheering )

00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,419

Thank you, senator.

00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,296

For over 100 years now,

00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,965

the European Fecal Standards

and Measures--

00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,510

Heir Brolof, Heir Brolof!

00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,887

Desh pointen auf?

00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,639

Ladies and gentlemen,

I understand we have

00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:36,225

just received a special

video-taped announcement

00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,810

from Bono!

00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,896

Bono! - Oh, Bono!

- Oh, cool!

00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,024

Could we play the tape on

the big screen, please?

00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,943

Hello, everyone.

00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:49,029

I am Bono.

00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,199

♪ Hello hello ♪

00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:53,784

♪ Hello hello ♪

00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:56,537

♪ Yeah yeah

yeah yeah ♪

00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,374

For years, it has been

my honor to try

00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:02,543

and bring focus

to the needs in Africa,

00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:05,671

and today I have very

exciting news.

00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:08,131

Last night,

at 20 past 8:00,

00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,885

I took a crap weighing

9 and a half courics.

00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,762

( all gasping )

00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,681

Bono?

00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:18,642

As you can see,

it is one solid piece.

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,852

It is my biggest crap

to date.

00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:23,230

And I swear

to its authenticity.

00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,566

Thank you and God bless.

00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:28,318

♪ Yeah yeah

yeah yeah ♪

00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:32,948

You heard it,

ladies and gentlemen!

00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,368

The official biggest crap

is 9.5 courics!

00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,662

Congratulations to Bono!

00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,041

Bono!

00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,167

Woo!

00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,757

( sobbing quietly )

00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,474

Dad, um...

00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,893

I think dinner's

almost ready.

00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,187

I almost did it.

00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:07,608

I almost made

something of myself.

00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,735

You know when you

get real close,

00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:10,777

you start to think that

00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:13,739

maybe your life is

going to matter.

00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:18,910

I mean, this was

something I made,

00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:21,121

something that

came from me,

00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:23,582

that was a part of me.

00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:27,794

The only thing I ever

made that was any good.

00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:32,090

Gee... Thanks a lot, dad.

00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:33,592

You're welcome.

00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,219

And I just... I know that

this late in my life

00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:41,016

I'll never come so close

to finally having meaning.

00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,102

Come on, guys,

lasagna's ready.

00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:47,814

Oh, lasagna's ready.

00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,316

You hear that, Stan?

00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,361

Mom says lasagna is ready.

00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:55,489

I can see through

your sarcasm, Sharon.

00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:56,990

What are you

talking about?

00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,742

You can say it, Sharon.

00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,869

I know Bono

is better than me!

00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:04,081

I'm sorry I'm not Bono,

all right?!

00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,624

I'm sorry I don't

have billions of dollars

00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,959

and a Nobel-Prize

nomination!

00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:09,878

Randy, this is ridiculous.

00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,172

Oh, that's real mature,

Sharon.

00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,299

Just act like

everything is funny.

00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,051

It's a big joke to you,

isn't it?

00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,719

Just a big joke!

00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,388

Don't touch me!

00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:22,599

Can you believe him?

00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,811

All this over what guy

took the biggest crap!

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,479

You don't understand, Mom.

00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,022

You just don't

understand.

00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,983

Wha-wha...

00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,323

♪ The longest goodbye... ♪

00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:41,660

How come they just

let that Bono guy

00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:44,079

send a picture of his crap?

00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,081

'Cause he's Bono,

that's why.

00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,374

But he could have

faked it.

00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:48,500

It isn't fair.

00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:49,876

Doesn't matter.

00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,002

He's got

the record now.

00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,754

There's nothing

I can do.

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,965

Oh, yes, there is.

00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,341

You can

do it again.

00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:57,426

What?

00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,052

Think about it.

00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,137

You weren't even

trying to take

00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:01,888

the biggest

crap last time.

00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,433

Imagine if you actually

worked at it.

00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:05,976

Hey, hey,

that's right.

00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,477

No.

00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,312

I can't go through

all that again.

00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:10,313

It's too much.

00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:12,065

Come on, Randy.

00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,109

I'll bet you can crap

that big again easy!

00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,902

With the right diet

and training,

00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:17,446

who knows what

you're capable of?!

00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:18,488

Guys, forget it!

00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:19,990

It's over.

00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:21,158

It was a fluke crap.

00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,535

I'll never take one

that big again.

00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,245

Is it over, Randy?

00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,164

We all saw that

crap you took.

00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:28,915

That was no fluke.

00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,003

There's something inside you

that made you able to do it.

00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,921

Randy, you have a gift.

00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:37,591

Now, who knows why God

chose you, but he did.

00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,176

And if you walk away now,

00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:43,013

you'll always wonder

how big a crap

00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:45,974

you could have taken.

00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,186

I would need

a lot of help.

00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:50,854

That's what

we're here for.

00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,523

Come on, Randy,

what do you say?!

00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:56,026

I say...

00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:59,571

Let's give Bono

a run for his money.

00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,656

Yeah!

All right, Randy!

00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,201

Yeah!

00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:05,660

Yeah!

00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,289

( announcer )

This is CNN Headline News.

00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:11,500

Tonight, a possible attack

on Iran

00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:14,878

may mean the beginning of

a new war in the Middle East.

00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,713

Oh, no.

00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,716

But first, the record for

the world's biggest crap.

00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,176

Will it again be broken?

00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,719

Ugh!

00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:24,429

Randy Marsh of Colorado

is now three weeks

00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,431

into his quest

to make a new crap,

00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:30,143

spending nearly every waking

hour at P.F. Chang's.

00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,187

Is this really

news worthy?

00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,439

You just don't

understand.

00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:37,025

You're right, I don't.

00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,777

At the same time,

some people are questioning

00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,445

Bono's current record entry,

00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:43,448

saying, nobody has

ever seen it in person.

00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,116

Bono could not be reached

for comment

00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,744

as he is currently in

Africa, helping the needy.

00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:50,872

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,166

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:54,626

( phone ringing )

00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,670

♪ Hello hello ♪

00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,840

Marsh is attempting to

break the record again.

00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,424

We thought you should know.

00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,969

He can't beat my

9 and a half courics!

00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:06,304

Well, he's going to try.

00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:07,973

Fine!

00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,641

But he has to take

the crap in front of you,

00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,017

in Zurich.

00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,895

Bono, we've never

had that rule before.

00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,231

It's the only way you can

know he's not cheating!

00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,484

If he doesn't crap in

Zurich, it shouldn't count!

00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,780

Ultrasound is

very simple, Mr. Marsh.

00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:24,739

We're going to use

harmless waves

00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,366

to look inside your belly.

00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:29,160

Just gonna put some warm gel

on your stomach first.

00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,453

Ooh.

00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:31,454

Okay, take a deep breath.

00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:32,664

( inhaling )

00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,791

I see the crap now.

00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:37,627

I can't say for sure,

but I'd say it's about...

00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,337

14 courics.

00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:40,630

14!

00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:41,673

That's great, Randy!

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,133

Can I see it?

00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,469

Sure, this is

your colon,

00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:49,347

and here... Is the feces

growing inside your belly.

00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:51,975

( music box music )

00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,979

Ahh...

00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,572

Guys, we have a problem!

00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,324

I talked to the E.F.S.M.

And they say that Randy

00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:09,242

has to take

the crap in Zurich.

00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,785

In Zurich?!

00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,245

They say Bono is demanding it

00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,830

and that their hands

are tied.

00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,081

I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh.

00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:16,708

I cannot condone you

traveling on an airplane

00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,543

in your condition.

00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:21,630

It is never safe to fly

during your turd trimester.

00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,593

( doorbell ringing )

00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:29,679

Hi, could I speak

with Mr. Bono, please?

00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,891

Mr. Bono, you have

a young gentlemen caller.

00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:37,520

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,022

Get the jet ready,

Belvis.

00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,649

I've got to be going.

00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,901

Hi, my name is Stan Marsh.

00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,278

My dad's trying to beat your

record for biggest crap.

00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:46,780

Oh, right.

00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,365

He can't make it

to Zurich, right?

00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:49,824

That's kind of

what I'm here for.

00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,993

Do you really need the biggest

crap record?

00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,286

Could you maybe

see your way to just

00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:55,246

letting my dad have

this one?

00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,040

Let him have it?

00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,750

Why would I

do that?

00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:01,002

Look, you gotta

understand, sir,

00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,088

my dad's never won an

award for anything.

00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,381

Ever.

00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,341

He doesn't have one

single trophy.

00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,134

I mean even I have

a second-place trophy

00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:10,220

for most Sports Illustrated

subscriptions sold.

00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:13,765

I have the first-place

trophy for that.

00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,518

Dude, don't you

have enough?

00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,269

I mean, you've got

tons of money, a jet,

00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,188

the biggest rock band

in the world,

00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,856

a hot wife,

and you've been knighted.

00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,358

I mean, at some point,

00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,443

can't you just kind of

fuck off?

00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,737

I want people to know

that I'm worth something,

00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,489

that I matter.

00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,574

All I'm asking is that maybe

with this one thing

00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,493

let my dad be number one

00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,453

and you can still be

number two.

00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,622

Number two?!

00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,374

Number two?!

00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,919

Nobody calls me that anymore

and gets away with it!

00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:44,713

Take it back!

00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,381

Take it back!

00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,340

I take it back!

00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,675

Say I'm not number two!

00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,093

You're not number two!

00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,095

That's right I'm not!

00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,764

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah ♪

00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,102

What is wrong

with that guy?

00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,603

Your father is in

great danger.

00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:02,564

Come with me.

00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,489

Hrghh...

Ugh ugh...

00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:14,701

( panting )

00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,203

Hrghh...

Grrhh...

00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,539

Rrgghhh...

00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,167

It must be quite

a crap.

00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,252

Come on, Randy,

you have to push!

00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,087

Ahghghhggh...

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:26,963

( panting )

00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,798

Ahghhhggh...

00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,593

What are you saying?

00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,219

How do you know my dad

is gonna die?!

00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:36,181

Because nobody has ever taken

a crap that big before.

00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,391

So Bono's newest

record is a lie!

00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,393

Look, I first new

something was wrong

00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:43,146

when I looked at Bono's first

award for biggest crap.

00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,607

It said

he took it in 1960.

00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,108

So?

00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,986

So that's the year

Bono was born.

00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:51,321

Then it all

made sense to me.

00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,865

How could Bono be so talented,

so caring,

00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,367

and yet seem

like such a piece of crap?

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,578

Because he is crap.

00:17:58,703 --> 00:17:59,621

Don't you get it?!

00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,831

Bono is not

the record holder...

00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:05,543

He's the record.

00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:07,420

Yes.

00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,507

Ahghgghgh...

00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:15,011

I can't do it,

I can't do it.

00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,055

The crap is simply

too big, Mr. Marsh.

00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,224

We must perform

a Caesarean.

00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,351

But then

does it still count?

00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,811

Oh, no!

00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:25,146

A biggest crap means

you crapped it out.

00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,357

I believe that's true.

00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:28,983

We are sorry,

Mr. Marsh,

00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,611

but if you cannot

crap out the crap,

00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:34,572

it's not really a crap.

00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,075

No, no...

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,827

There, there, Randy.

00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,371

You... You gave it

your best shot.

00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:42,539

I want my wife.

00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:43,748

Sharon?!

00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:44,707

Sharon?!

00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,459

What?

00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,169

I'm sorry, Sharon.

00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,755

I'm sorry that

I let you down.

00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,008

Sorry I can't crap

like Bono.

00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,677

Well, congratulations, Bono.

00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,221

It appears your

record is intact.

00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,806

I had a feeling

it would be.

00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,224

Wait, stop!

00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,476

Dad, your old crap counts!

00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,395

Bono never took a second crap

that beat yours!

00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,605

Get him out of here!

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,316

What are you talking about,

young man?

00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:12,193

Somebody's been

keeping it a secret.

00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:13,611

Bono was never the

record holder.

00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,780

He's the record.

00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,824

It's not true!

00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:19,033

Kill that kid!

00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:20,660

I want him dead!

00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,912

It's too late, Bono.

00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:25,498

The boy has

learned the truth.

00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,251

Heir Brolof,

what do you know of this?

00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:30,128

It's true, I'm afraid.

00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,089

You see, until Mr. Marsh

came along,

00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:36,009

I was the record

holder for the biggest crap.

00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:38,178

I took it back in 1960.

00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:40,763

It was the most amazing

crap I'd ever taken.

00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,223

Papa, no!

00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,475

Say nothing more!

00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:45,935

Come to me,

my darling precious child.

00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,065

( crying )

00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:56,196

After I had broken the record,

I took the crap home.

00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:59,699

I was so proud of it

that I decided to keep it,

00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,868

to try and raise it

like a child.

00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,286

No, Papa.

00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:05,121

No, Papa.

00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,333

There, there,

my little crap, don't cry.

00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,084

Here, do you want

the biddy?

00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,502

Hmm?

00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,171

Does Bono

want the biddy?

00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,590

( slurping )

00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,675

Yes, he likes

the biddy, doesn't he?

00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,844

Dude.

00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,930

I kept the crap

in my office.

00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,640

Nursed it, fed it biddy.

00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,975

And soon

biddy made him strong,

00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,602

biddy made him grow up...

00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,521

Into one of the most influential

figures of our time.

00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,815

Easy, Bono,

that hurts the biddy.

00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:35,068

Biddy!

00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:38,363

My little crap has

accomplished many things,

00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:39,781

but he could never

shed the fact

00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:43,076

that he was

really a number two.

00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:45,453

So he spent his life trying

to be number one...

00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,080

In everything.

00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:48,748

That's why he's

able to do so much,

00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:50,333

try to help so many people,

00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,085

but still seem like

such a piece of shit.

00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:53,711

You have blemished

00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,713

this noble society's

good name, Heir Brolof!

00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,048

Have I?!

00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:59,175

Look at the crap I took

all those years ago!

00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,302

Bono is now

almost six feet tall

00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,304

and over 80 courics

in weight!

00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,014

No matter

how you look at it,

00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,600

he is still the record!

00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,435

Oh, God, here it comes!

00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:10,770

Oh, hot, hot,

hot, hot!

00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:13,022

Hot, hot,

hot, hot, hot, hot!

00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:16,025

Ha-ha-haaa...

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,282

My God!

00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:24,909

It must over

100 courics!

00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,035

Dad, are you all right?

00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:27,453

Yeah, I'm...

00:21:27,578 --> 00:21:28,746

Yeah, I'm good.

00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:30,081

I feel a lot better.

00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,208

Mr. Marsh, we apologize.

00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,211

And if it's okay with you,

we would like to present you

00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:38,131

your long-overdue trophy.

00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:41,384

Thrrrrpt!