Миллион маленьких волокон — У Полотенчика закончились деньги, и он решает опубликовать мемуары, скрывшись под «человеческим» псевдонимом Стивен Полотенчик.

Предыдущая серия S10 E04 Мультипликационные войны, часть II

Следующая серия S10 E06 Челмедведосвин

Миллион маленьких волокон

A Million Little Fibers

Сезон: 10Серия: 05

Описание

У Полотенчика закончились деньги, и он решает опубликовать мемуары, скрывшись под «человеческим» псевдонимом Стивен Полотенчик.

Субтитры

00:00:12,154 --> 00:00:35,318 Русский перевод: Delight southpark.org.ru
00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:36,860 Саут-Парк (Эпизод 1005) - Миллион маленьких волокон
00:00:37,142 --> 00:00:41,732 Привет, добро пожаловать в П.Ф. Яйцзи. Насколько острый соус Яйцзи вам сделать?
00:00:42,032 --> 00:00:44,412 Крис, люди за третьим столиком ждут свой чек
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:47,592 Я знаю. У меня завал. Никто мне не помогает!
00:00:47,592 --> 00:00:48,892 А что на счет нового официанта?
00:00:48,892 --> 00:00:52,342 Новый официант никакой. И, мне кажется, он обдолбанный
00:00:53,162 --> 00:00:56,482 Насколько острый вы хотите соус Яйцзи?
00:00:56,642 --> 00:00:58,632 Может вы просто примете заказ?
00:00:58,632 --> 00:01:02,222 О, чувак, я понятия не имею, что происходит!
00:01:02,222 --> 00:01:03,382 У вас все в порядке тут?
00:01:03,382 --> 00:01:08,622 Да, но этот полотенчик смешивает соус Яйцзи уже 15 минут. Он отсталый!
00:01:08,622 --> 00:01:11,522 Не называй меня салом! Это ты сало!
00:01:11,622 --> 00:01:12,942 Да? Тогда ты - полотенчик!
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,012 Ты - ПОЛОТЕНЧИК!
00:01:14,012 --> 00:01:16,472 Все, с меня хватит! Убирайся отсюда! Ты уволен!
00:01:16,572 --> 00:01:17,672 На тебе!
00:01:17,772 --> 00:01:19,332 Не его! Тебя!
00:01:22,642 --> 00:01:25,742 Вот фигня, на этот раз я действительно облажался
00:01:25,842 --> 00:01:29,072 Плата за квартиру в конце этого месяца, а у меня нет денег
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:32,252 Мне нужно взять себя в руки и найти быстренько новую работу
00:01:32,252 --> 00:01:35,802 Но сначала, наверное, я немного пыхну
00:01:40,462 --> 00:01:46,942 Подождите. Началось. Пошли хорошие идеи. Да! Вот именно!
00:01:46,942 --> 00:01:48,332 Мне нужно стать писателем!
00:01:48,332 --> 00:01:54,232 Если я напишу книжку про свою жизнь, я смогу ее опубликовать и заработать кучу денег для оплаты счетов,
00:01:55,552 --> 00:01:59,022 Бьюсь об заклад, люди не могут дождаться, чтобы прочитать мои мемуары
00:01:59,992 --> 00:02:08,382 МИЛЛИОН МАЛЕНЬКИХ ВОЛОКОН Полотенчииик
00:02:08,582 --> 00:02:11,392 Это действительно клевая идея
00:02:20,242 --> 00:02:22,642 Да, да, я вижу
00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:29,762 Это действительно прекрасная история. Вас создали, как полотенчик с компьютерным чипом, который определяет сухость
00:02:29,762 --> 00:02:32,072 Угу! И это все правда
00:02:32,072 --> 00:02:37,082 С 4 по 8 главу, тем не менее, похоже, что идет речь о кукурузных корабликах
00:02:37,522 --> 00:02:40,902 Возможно, я мог бы переделать эти главы на что-нибудь другое
00:02:40,902 --> 00:02:46,262 Не стоит. Мне жаль, говорить вам это, но боюсь, что никто не опубликует ваши мемуары
00:02:46,262 --> 00:02:48,192 Ой? Почему нет?
00:02:48,192 --> 00:02:54,062 Ну, просто банальная причина, потому что... людям не интересно читать автобиографии полотенчиков
00:02:54,062 --> 00:03:00,092 Ну да, но, возможно люди прочитав мои мемуары, используют мой опыт к своей жизни
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:04,832 Нет, они не станут. Потому что они люди. А ты полотенчик
00:03:05,392 --> 00:03:06,782 ТЫ полотенчик
00:03:06,972 --> 00:03:12,002 Нет, я великий книжный издатель, который не заинтересован в твоих тупых мемуарах
00:03:12,302 --> 00:03:13,552 Ты полотенчик
00:03:17,542 --> 00:03:23,312 И что мне теперь делать? Я должен платить за квартиру и я просрал 3 недели, шкрябая эти мемуары
00:03:23,512 --> 00:03:27,312 Хватит мне быть таким безответственным
00:03:27,312 --> 00:03:31,882 Я должен собраться, сфокусироваться, и найти настоящее решение моих проблем
00:03:31,882 --> 00:03:33,912 Лучше мне немного пыхнуть
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,142 О, может не стоит
00:03:36,142 --> 00:03:41,042 Но ты должен что-то быстренько придумать, а пыхнув, ты станешь умнее
00:03:41,242 --> 00:03:46,132 Хорошо, я просто еще раз использую мою экстра ПЫХ-ПЫХ силу
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:57,862 Ой, ой, минуточку Конечно! Именно так! Почему я раньше про это не думал?
00:03:58,682 --> 00:04:00,312 "МИЛЛИОН МАЛЕНЬКИХ ВОЛОКОН"
00:04:02,272 --> 00:04:06,492 Всю свою жизнь я был очень безответственным полотенчиком
00:04:07,342 --> 00:04:09,422 ...человеком
00:04:09,422 --> 00:04:14,062 Я думал, что я сильнее и более защищенный, чем другие полотенчики
00:04:14,752 --> 00:04:17,662 ...лю...ди
00:04:17,762 --> 00:04:20,862 Это очень клёвая идея
00:04:22,742 --> 00:04:30,222 Ох! О, Боже мой. Не могу поверить, что человек жил такой жизнью, Мистер...!
00:04:30,902 --> 00:04:33,392 МакПолотенчиков, Стивен МакПолотенчиков
00:04:33,392 --> 00:04:36,102 Эти трагические отрывки, как вот:
00:04:36,102 --> 00:04:40,822 "Я человек, которого часто пыталось высушить все то, что окружало меня"
00:04:40,852 --> 00:04:45,892 Уверен, наша компания будут гордиться, опубликовав эту книгу. Но у меня есть один вопросик
00:04:45,892 --> 00:04:48,872 Вы случайно не... полотенчик, нет?
00:04:50,542 --> 00:04:55,982 ...Нет. Если бы я был полотенчиком, разве я бы одел эту шляпу и эти фальшивые усы?
00:04:56,522 --> 00:04:57,692 Точно, я извиняюсь
00:04:57,702 --> 00:05:01,342 Ну, Стивен, если вы согласны, я готов немедленно связаться с нашими агентами и адвокатами по телефону прямо сейчас
00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:02,782 Процесс пошел, мистер
00:05:02,782 --> 00:05:04,032 Клёво!
00:05:05,622 --> 00:05:07,572 ПРАХ ОПРЫ
00:05:09,672 --> 00:05:11,172 Большое спасибо
00:05:12,622 --> 00:05:20,452 Время от времени я нахожу книжку, которая НАСТОЛЬКО открыта и трогательна, что она изменяет мою жизнь
00:05:20,452 --> 00:05:27,722 "Миллион маленьких волокон" это правдивая история про человека, который родился в лаборатории
00:05:27,722 --> 00:05:31,812 Пожалуйста, встречайте автора Стивена МакПолотенчикова!
00:05:35,572 --> 00:05:38,792 Стивен, когда я читала вашу книжку, я спросила себя:
00:05:38,792 --> 00:05:44,562 "Как человеческая жизнь могла пройти через все это и не сломаться?"
00:05:44,562 --> 00:05:48,432 Ну, думаю я просто необыкновенный полоте... человек
00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:52,832 Вы рассказываете в своей книге, что иногда вам доводилось целыми днями висеть на вешалке
00:05:52,832 --> 00:05:55,282 Как это повлияло на вас эмоционально?
00:05:55,292 --> 00:06:01,672 Вы СТОЛЬКО выдержали, и я думаю люди во всей Америке смогут извлечь урок...
00:06:01,792 --> 00:06:09,302 О Боже, снова началось, Без конца чешет про человеческие жизни. Она не уделяла мне внимания милионы лет!
00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:12,462 ...жизнь, которая поднималась, если бы ее не унижали...
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,912 Никто не знает, каково это быть вагиной Опры
00:06:14,912 --> 00:06:19,162 Она думает только про роботу, никогда не натирает свою старую вагинку время от времени
00:06:19,162 --> 00:06:23,092 Вагине необходимо внимание! Хотя бы, изредка "шлифование"!
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,792 Ну, Стивен, ваша книжка уже разошлась многими копиями,
00:06:25,792 --> 00:06:28,282 но у меня есть прекрасные новости ДЛЯ ВАС!
00:06:28,282 --> 00:06:31,212 Были времена, когда Опра игралась со мной днем и ночью
00:06:31,212 --> 00:06:33,682 Она гладила меня часами каждым пальцем
00:06:33,682 --> 00:06:38,602 А сейчас я сижу тут, в темноте, и тут совсем НЕ КЛЁВО!
00:06:38,602 --> 00:06:41,962 Мне стоит написать книжку!! Еще более депрессивную, чем его!
00:06:41,962 --> 00:06:47,962 Итак, Стивен, я сделаю вашу книжку моим Официальным Выбором Месяца
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:48,942 Серьезно?
00:06:50,112 --> 00:06:53,582 Ой. Теперь я стану супер олигархом
00:07:17,502 --> 00:07:22,072 Ага, окей. Тогда слушай, может она будет нашим гостем 19-го
00:07:22,072 --> 00:07:25,472 Хорошо, а Джон Траволта сможет быть гостем через неделю?
00:07:25,772 --> 00:07:28,602 Хорошо, это должно сработать, потому что это будет неделя рейтинга
00:07:28,602 --> 00:07:30,152 Я больше не могу
00:07:30,152 --> 00:07:32,632 Все, о чем она думает - это работа, работа, работа
00:07:32,632 --> 00:07:34,492 Не уделяет внимания своей старенькой вагине
00:07:34,692 --> 00:07:37,042 Я всегда замкнут в этих тесных штанах
00:07:37,042 --> 00:07:39,862 Мне необходимо внимание! Мне это все осточертело!
00:07:39,872 --> 00:07:43,372 Хватит жевать сопли! Я пытаюсь тут заснуть
00:07:43,372 --> 00:07:45,642 Ой, кто это? Это ты, Гарри?
00:07:45,642 --> 00:07:51,022 Да, это я. Думаешь, только тебе хреново? Опра не обращала на меня внимания годами
00:07:51,022 --> 00:07:56,902 О, а Что тебе нужно? Ты же всего лишь задница. А я вагина! Вагинам необходима стимуляция
00:07:56,902 --> 00:07:59,662 Жопам также необходима стимуляция, ублюдок!
00:07:59,662 --> 00:08:02,272 Я хочу путешествовать. Я хочу увидеть Париж
00:08:02,272 --> 00:08:08,812 Я думал все наладится, но Опра всегда занята. Работает и работает, то на диете, то нет
00:08:08,812 --> 00:08:12,562 Мне необходимы горы шоколадного торта или немного свеклы
00:08:12,562 --> 00:08:15,002 Она трудоголик. Давай признаем:
00:08:15,002 --> 00:08:18,622 единственный способ получить хоть какое-то внимание- это чтобы Опра никогда уже не работала
00:08:18,622 --> 00:08:20,012 Это никогда не произойдет
00:08:20,012 --> 00:08:21,862 Нет, пока ее не уволят
00:08:21,862 --> 00:08:24,402 Уволят? У тебя есть план, Вагинчик?
00:08:24,602 --> 00:08:28,002 Тот тип в сегодняшнем шоу, которого поддерживает Опра
00:08:28,002 --> 00:08:32,092 Он совсем не человек. Он полотенчик
00:08:32,092 --> 00:08:33,762 Ой, откуда ты узнал?
00:08:33,772 --> 00:08:36,252 Я вагина. Вагины сразу узнают полотенчиков
00:08:36,252 --> 00:08:39,712 Если выяснится, что Оприн автор-победитель - полотенчик
00:08:39,712 --> 00:08:44,262 Она будет полным посмешищем. Поклонники отпадут Миллионами
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:45,422 Как мы найдем доказательства?
00:08:45,422 --> 00:08:50,212 Ми найдем кого-то, кто сделает это. Наиболее допытливого журналиста наших времен
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:53,422 Мистер, Ривьера?
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:54,432 Что такое, Дмитрий?
00:08:54,432 --> 00:08:56,452 Кто-то хочет поговорить с вами по телефону.
00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:59,682 Он сказал, что у него есть информация, которая может дискредитировать Опру Онфри
00:09:02,752 --> 00:09:03,952 Это Джеральдо
00:09:03,962 --> 00:09:08,492 Прив, Урольдо! У меня есть для тебя инфа, которая тебя заинтересует
00:09:08,492 --> 00:09:11,572 Она может сделать посмешище из Опры Онфри
00:09:11,632 --> 00:09:12,892 А с-с кем я разговариваю?!
00:09:12,892 --> 00:09:14,932 Он хочет знать, с кем разговаривает
00:09:14,932 --> 00:09:18,302 Скажем так, я работаю очень-очень тесно с Опрой
00:09:18,502 --> 00:09:20,712 Ты же хочешь увидеть, как ее дискредитируют, разве нет?
00:09:20,712 --> 00:09:22,232 Какая информация у вас есть?
00:09:22,232 --> 00:09:23,152 Что ты сказал?
00:09:23,152 --> 00:09:25,592 Он хочет знать, Что у нас за информация
00:09:25,592 --> 00:09:29,042 Просто скажи, что он сказал, Гарри! Не жди, пока я спрошу тебя "Что он сказал?"!
00:09:29,042 --> 00:09:30,712 Хорош тратить мое время!
00:09:30,722 --> 00:09:32,382 Не нервируй меня, Гарри!
00:09:32,392 --> 00:09:35,552 Я не казал "Сказал хорош тратить мое время", это Джеральдо сказал
00:09:35,552 --> 00:09:36,892 Что это там происходит?!
00:09:36,892 --> 00:09:40,162 Ну хорошо, Гарри, это не действует. Давай меняться. Я буду слушать, ты будешь говорить
00:09:42,372 --> 00:09:43,682 Алле?
00:09:43,682 --> 00:09:44,482 Кто это?
00:09:44,732 --> 00:09:45,812 Это Гарри
00:09:45,822 --> 00:09:47,562 Какой Гарри? Как фамилия?!
00:09:47,562 --> 00:09:50,302 Не называй своего имени. Ми не хотим, чтобы кто-то узнал, где мы
00:09:50,302 --> 00:09:54,752 Хорошо, слушай. Всё, что тебе нужно знать, Что я точно не Оприна задница
00:09:54,752 --> 00:09:56,232 Ах ты тупая скотина!!
00:09:56,232 --> 00:09:58,152 Не называй мене скотиной, Джеральдо!
00:09:58,152 --> 00:10:01,542 Он не называл тебя "Тупой скотиной", это я сказал. А сейчас просто скажи ему:
00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:10,682 Автор книги в клубе Опры "Книга Месяца" - мошенник. Он совсем не человек. Он полотенчик
00:10:10,682 --> 00:10:14,632 Полотенчик? Полотенчик, который разговаривет? Полная чушь
00:10:14,832 --> 00:10:17,322 Скажи ему, Что он буде удивлен вещами, которые могут разговаривать
00:10:17,522 --> 00:10:20,172 Вас удивят вещи, которые могут разговаривать
00:10:20,172 --> 00:10:22,112 И какие доказательства этого обвинения у вас есть?!
00:10:22,312 --> 00:10:27,222 Просто всмотритесь в автора "Миллиона маленьких волокон", и вы увидите правду
00:10:27,222 --> 00:10:29,232 И как я должен это сделать?
00:10:29,582 --> 00:10:31,732 Алло! Алло!
00:10:33,172 --> 00:10:35,412 Это прямой эфир Ларри Кинга
00:10:36,950 --> 00:10:39,160 Мой сегодняшний гость - Стивен МакПолотенчиков
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:43,800 Автор популярной книги "Миллион маленьких волокон". Как оно, Стивен?
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,130 Ну, Ларри, я немного под кайфом
00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:49,770 Ваша книга помогла многим людям избавиться от вредных привычек. Что вас заставило ее написать?
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:53,840 Ну, Ларри, я просто... написал мои мемуары, когда я...
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:58,550 Что? Что это? О, видете меня, Стивен, я так понимаю, мы имеем специальный репортаж
00:10:58,550 --> 00:11:02,240 Прямое включение из Афганистана, Джеральдо Ривьера
00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:06,190 Ау? Ларри, вы меня видите?
00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:08,630 Мы тут, Джеральдо. Вы в прямом эфире Шоу
00:11:08,630 --> 00:11:15,000 Ларри, этот мужественный репортер после нескольких недель изучений и расследований пришел к шокирующим открытиям,
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,480 которое разорвет на кусочки весь литературный мир!
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:23,680 Стивен МакПолотенчиков, автор "Миллиона маленьких волокон" - ПОЛОТЕНЧИК!
00:11:24,870 --> 00:11:26,140 Это ты полотенчик!
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:28,260 Нет, ты - полотенчик
00:11:28,260 --> 00:11:30,030 Тогда, ты полотенчик-нелегал
00:11:30,030 --> 00:11:31,220 Что ты сказал??
00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:33,410 Извиняюсь, я под кайфом
00:11:33,410 --> 00:11:35,570 Похоже у нас неприятности, Опра
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,620 Твои поклонники считают, Что ты всезнающая и всевидящая,
00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:42,110 а ты провела 2 недели, поддерживая обманчивого расистского полотенчика
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,620 Мы сделали это, Гарри! Джеральдо нашел доказательства
00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:49,270 Опра обосралась по полной! Она должна уволиться!
00:11:49,270 --> 00:11:51,500 Это начало новой жизни для нас, Гарри
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:55,010 Без свого карьеризма, Опра будет путешествовать по миру!
00:11:55,010 --> 00:11:57,120 Наслаждаться прекрасными моментами жизни!
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,280 Она часами будет просто... играться со своей вагинкой!
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,040 И с Гарри тоже
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,580 Конечно. И с Гарри. Мы сделали это, друг!
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,370 Опра, нужно решить, Что делать дальше
00:12:07,370 --> 00:12:08,330 В чем проблема??
00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:14,380 Его книжка помогла людям. Почему это так важно, что он кое-что придумал? Разве люди очень разозлятся?
00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:24,750 Твоя книжка помогла мне не пьянствовать! Но я думал, что ты человек!
00:12:25,050 --> 00:12:27,790 Да, мы хотим вернуть наши деньги, дурной полотенчик!
00:12:33,730 --> 00:12:36,820 Бог мой, я сейчас в полной жопе
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:39,770 Алле?
00:12:39,990 --> 00:12:43,910 Стивен, это Опра. Вы можете снова прийти на мое шоу завтра?
00:12:43,910 --> 00:12:44,510 Нафига?
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:48,720 Нам необходимо сказать людям, почему вы приукрасили некоторые факты в вашей книге
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:54,130 Что вы считали за необходимое "приукрасить" некоторые вещи, чтобы сделать книгу более важной для людей
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,200 Шаришь!
00:12:56,210 --> 00:13:03,340 Просто придите на шоу и спокойно поясните, что приукрашивание некоторых фактов неважно, если книга помогает людям
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:07,620 Хорошо. Спасибо, Опра. Ты настоящий друг
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,930 Увидимся завтра
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:14,650 Так, у меня есть только один шанс. Мне нужно сфокусироваться и придумать, что я хочу сказать.
00:13:14,650 --> 00:13:16,440 Возможно, мне нужно немного пыхнуть
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:20,040 Нет! Минуточку! Я не должен пыхать в этот раз
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:24,980 Да ну, прекрати. Тебе нужны идеи, что именно ты скажешь в шоу Опры
00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:28,650 Но идеи, которые приходят мне, когда я под кайфом, приносят одни неприятности
00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:32,970 Да. Вот почему тебе нужен только МАЛЕНЬКИЙ косячок
00:13:33,370 --> 00:13:36,030 Ну, возможно только МАЛЕНЬКИЙ косячок
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,220 Сегодня у меня в гостях снова Стивен МакПолотенчиков
00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:47,410 чьи мемуары многие из вас приобрели после того, как я сделала их моим Выбором Месяца
00:13:49,850 --> 00:13:52,380 Ты слышишь это, Гарри? Никто не апплодирует!
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:55,500 Да! Они все в бешенстве. Это прекрасно!
00:13:55,500 --> 00:14:00,000 Сейчас, выяснилось, что ваше настоящее имя не Стивен, а Полотенчик, правильно?
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,000 Даааа
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,400 И вы - ПОЛОТЕНЧИК
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,400 Да, безусловно я полотенце, Опра
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:09,110 Можете ли вы объяснить телезрителям, почему раньше не сказали, Что вы полотенце?
00:14:09,710 --> 00:14:15,730 Ну, Опра, я был как.. е-е... у-у, ну типа... Это все...
00:14:15,740 --> 00:14:19,880 Может, вы считали, что преукрасить рассказ это нормально, если он помогает людям?
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,010 Да! Так и есть!
00:14:22,010 --> 00:14:24,950 Знаете, что я думаю, Полотенчик? Я думаю, что вы...
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:26,870 БРЕХЛИВЫЙ МЕШОК ГОВНА!
00:14:28,850 --> 00:14:33,230 Вы врали всем этим людям, и ради чего??!! Чтобы заработать денег!!
00:14:33,230 --> 00:14:36,070 Они покупали вашу книжку, думая, что она правдивая!!
00:14:36,370 --> 00:14:37,830 - Точно! - Да!
00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:38,950 Но вы же говорили...
00:14:38,950 --> 00:14:42,330 Как ты СМЕЛ понравиться мне и сделать из меня посмешище?!
00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:44,400 Что это? Что они делают?
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,560 Я не понимаю, Вагинчик!
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,270 Ты думал, писать - это шутки, бестолковый полотенчик!
00:14:49,270 --> 00:14:51,960 - Да да, надери ему задницу, Опра! - АГА!
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,130 Тебе это так не сойдет!
00:14:54,130 --> 00:14:57,790 Она возвращает всех на свою сторону! Вот же ж хитрая сволочь!
00:14:57,790 --> 00:15:02,030 Ты врал мне, Полотенчик! А значит ты врал и Америке!
00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:04,810 Ми соберемся против тебя!
00:15:06,370 --> 00:15:10,230 Эта публика готова к доброму старому линчеванию?!
00:15:10,230 --> 00:15:11,690 ДАА!!!
00:15:11,890 --> 00:15:12,780 Что?
00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:17,900 Публика, если вы загляните под свои стулья, то найдете там свои факелы!
00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:23,910 Вгинчик, это означает, что Париж отменяется?
00:15:23,910 --> 00:15:26,920 Не будет никакого Парижа! Разве ты не понимаешь, Гарри?!
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,590 Эта жирная корова повернула всех на свою сторону!
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:32,960 Теперь она будет работать еще больше! Наш план провалился!
00:15:33,070 --> 00:15:33,770 Нет!
00:15:33,770 --> 00:15:37,690 Мы дадим тебе 5-секундную фору. Один. Два
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:39,990 Схватить его!
00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:43,790 Сожгите его! Сожгите полотенчик!
00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:46,290 Сожгите того, кто врет Опре!
00:15:57,220 --> 00:16:02,200 Похоже, твое время настало, Полотенчик! Я вела моих поклонников прямо за тобой!
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,200 Давай, Опра!
00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:10,010 Я показала моим поклонникам, Что... у-у! Ой! ЧТО за?
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,670 Ну все! Все назад! НАЗАД Я СКАЗАЛ!
00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:21,010 Что это, черт побери?
00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:23,230 Не двигайтесь - и никто не пострадает!
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:25,370 Вагинчик, что ты делаешь?
00:16:25,370 --> 00:16:27,720 Убирайся отсюда, Гарри! Чего бы это не стоило!
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,270 Что происходит??!!
00:16:31,270 --> 00:16:35,860 Заткнись! Закрой рот, никчёмная старая корова, или я вышибу твои мозги!
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:40,520 Мене нужен вертолет! У вас есть?! И реактивный самолет в аэропорту!
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,160 Вагинчик, у тебя крыша поехала?
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,350 Прекрати, Гарри! Ты всегда говорил, что хочешь увидеть Париж!
00:16:46,450 --> 00:16:49,970 Но не так, Вагинчик. НЕ ТАК!
00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:53,090 Ну все, концерт закончился. Брось оружие!
00:16:53,090 --> 00:16:54,380 Назад, приятель!
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:55,810 Брось оружие и выйди!
00:16:55,810 --> 00:16:57,340 Я тебя предупредил!
00:16:57,340 --> 00:16:58,980 Брось ее, я сказал...
00:17:01,670 --> 00:17:05,940 Господи, Вагинчик! Ты убил его! Ты застрелил его насмерть!
00:17:06,140 --> 00:17:07,970 Теперь пути назад нет, Гарри
00:17:07,970 --> 00:17:10,640 О Боже, меня сейчас стошнит...
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:11,990 Держи себя в руках, Гарри
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:15,100 Я не могу... Я сейчас блевону!
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:22,510 О, Гарик, это ужасно воняет! Теперь мене вывернет... бу-е-е-е
00:17:25,230 --> 00:17:27,200 Попробуй сбежать и я застрелю тебя тоже!
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,560 Вы – заложники и никуда не пойдете, пока мы не получим, что требуем!
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,520 Боже мой, что нам делать?
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,800 Ты нас впутал в это, полотенце. Придумай что-то!
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,180 Хорошо, тогда я немного пыхну
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,290 Нет! Я не буду пыхать!
00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:45,600 Каждый раз после косячка у мене появляются идеи, которые приносят еще большие проблемы
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,920 Я не буду пыхать в это раз!
00:17:54,053 --> 00:17:57,443 Я стою в бизнес части центрального Чикаго,
00:17:57,443 --> 00:18:02,213 где вагина Опры убила офицера полиции и взяла нескольких людей в заложники
00:18:02,293 --> 00:18:07,033 Это еще не подтверждено, но вероятно задница Опры также является соучастником
00:18:10,113 --> 00:18:11,763 Вот рация, которую вы просили
00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:13,183 Положи это подо мною
00:18:14,053 --> 00:18:15,903 Медленнее, приятель, медленнее!
00:18:16,943 --> 00:18:18,093 Теперь отступай
00:18:19,883 --> 00:18:22,043 Хорошо, Гарик, нажми кнопку
00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:23,643 Это вагина Опры!
00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:26,573 Привет, я лейтенант Нельсон. Какие ваши требования?
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:30,913 Мне нужен вертолет, и реактивный самолет в аэропорту, который заберет нас во Францию!
00:18:30,913 --> 00:18:33,073 Плюс нам необходимы свежие трусики немедленно!
00:18:33,073 --> 00:18:36,213 Хорошо, как на счет свежей одежды для одного из заложников?
00:18:36,213 --> 00:18:40,093 Я не играю с тобой в игры, приятель! Гарик тонет в собственной блевоте!
00:18:40,093 --> 00:18:42,753 Хорошо, мы работаем над этим. Не делайте никаких глупостей
00:18:42,753 --> 00:18:46,113 У нас нет времени. Это наиболее нестабильная вагина, с которой мне приходилось разговаривать
00:18:46,113 --> 00:18:47,313 О'Рейли, ты видишь мишень?
00:18:47,313 --> 00:18:48,553 Он на прицеле!
00:18:50,143 --> 00:18:52,883 Заложники слишком близко! Это очень рискованно!
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:56,833 Эй, просто положи оружие, Вагинчик. Возможно, они будут помягче с нами
00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:59,593 Не тупи, Гарри! Я замочил полицейского
00:18:59,593 --> 00:19:02,593 Мне – электрический стул, а тебя посадят до конца твох дней
00:19:02,593 --> 00:19:05,383 Эй, Вагинчик, мне так стремно!
00:19:05,383 --> 00:19:07,603 Мы выберемся отсюда, приятель Доверься мне
00:19:07,603 --> 00:19:11,253 Вагина Опры, это последнее предупреждение! Брось оружие!
00:19:11,463 --> 00:19:14,323 Если вертолета не будет через 2 минуты, я убью заложника!
00:19:15,243 --> 00:19:17,083 Эй, погодите минутку...
00:19:28,933 --> 00:19:32,163 Я не шучу! Заложники будут умирать, если вы не послушаете!
00:19:34,553 --> 00:19:35,973 Заложники свободны
00:19:35,973 --> 00:19:38,043 Ну все, уберите его!
00:19:39,573 --> 00:19:42,893 Что за? Ха-ха! Не попали, вы гребанные пидарасы!
00:19:42,903 --> 00:19:45,373 Видишь, Гарри? Они даже не могут прицелиться
00:19:46,113 --> 00:19:48,653 Ваги... Вагинчик
00:19:48,653 --> 00:19:49,853 Гарри, Что... Что не так?
00:19:49,853 --> 00:19:51,533 Они достали меня, Вагинчик
00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,643 Нет... О, нет
00:19:53,643 --> 00:19:58,043 Ай. Мне так плохо. О, кровь
00:19:58,043 --> 00:19:59,633 Держись, Гарик!
00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:01,723 Становится темно, Вагинчик
00:20:01,723 --> 00:20:04,383 О, Гарри! Куда я тебя втянул?
00:20:04,383 --> 00:20:07,263 Вся моя жизнь пробегает перед глазами
00:20:08,343 --> 00:20:09,283 Вагинчик!
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,293 Я тут, Гарри!
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:14,643 Где... де мы, Вагинчик? Это Париж?
00:20:14,643 --> 00:20:17,993 Да. Да, мы в Париже, друг
00:20:17,993 --> 00:20:21,023 Ах... он такой прекрасный, как я и ожидал?
00:20:21,023 --> 00:20:23,933 Он красивый. Мы наконец-то сделали это
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:25,783 Скажи, что ты видишь, Вагинчик
00:20:25,783 --> 00:20:29,413 Ну, там... Эйфелева башня прямо перед нами
00:20:29,423 --> 00:20:33,913 Лувр, сзади тебя. И с-свежие багеты всюду
00:20:33,923 --> 00:20:37,043 Ах... я чувствую из запах, Вагинчик
00:20:37,543 --> 00:20:41,503 По крайней мере я увидел Париж до того, как я...
00:20:44,023 --> 00:20:46,443 Гарри? Гарри, скажи что-то!
00:20:48,023 --> 00:20:52,223 Вы убили его, ублюдки! Он даже не принимал в этом учатия!
00:20:52,223 --> 00:20:57,953 Это все твоя вина, жирная корова! Ты никогда не уделяла время свому старому Гарри и теперь он ушел!
00:20:57,953 --> 00:21:05,193 Жизнь не имеет смысла! Зачем??! ... Я иду тебе на встречу, Гарри! Я иду к тебе
00:21:05,193 --> 00:21:06,993 Нет, не нужно!
00:21:16,593 --> 00:21:21,643 С Опрой все будет в порядке. Хотел бы я сказать тоже самое ее вагине и заднице
00:21:21,943 --> 00:21:25,253 Это была прекрасная идея завести заложников в банк
00:21:25,263 --> 00:21:28,703 Да, действительно прекрасная. Извини, что раньше хотели сжечь тебя и убить
00:21:28,703 --> 00:21:32,413 Да ну, все нормально. Это все была моя вина
00:21:32,413 --> 00:21:37,293 Я понял, Что не стоит пыхать, Чтобы найти идеи
00:21:37,593 --> 00:21:41,853 Я сначала должен найти идеи, а уже потом пыхать - Чтобы наградить себя
00:21:42,453 --> 00:21:44,243 Ты заслужил это!

00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:12,013 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,723 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,391 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,312 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:21,647 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:25,151 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:28,154 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:32,992 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,372 Hi. Welcome to P.F. Chang's.
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,417 How spicy would you like me to make your Chang Sauce?
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,211 Chris, the people at table 3 need their check.
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:45,755 I know. I'm swamped!
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,382 - I've got no help here! - What about the new waiter?
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,301 The new waiter is useless.
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,261 And I think he's high.
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:56,682 How spicy would you like your Chang Sauce?
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,392 Can we just place our order, please?
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:01,812 Oh, man. I have no idea what's going on.
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,022 Everything okay here?
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:04,648 Fine, except this towel
00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:07,109 has been mixing Chang Sauce for 15 minutes.
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,152 He's clueless.
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,945 Don't call <i>m e</i> shoeless!
00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,363 <i>You're</i> shoeless!
00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,656 Yeah. Well, you're a towel.
00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:13,741 <i>You're</i> a towel!
00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:16,368 All right. That's it. Get out of here. You're fired!
00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:17,286 Yeah!
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,080 Not him, you!
00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,414 Aww.
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:25,419 Oh, man. I really screwed up this time.
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,338 The rent's due at the end of the month,
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,923 and I don't have any money!
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:32,384 I need to shape up and find a new job quick!
00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:36,555 But first maybe I'll get a little high.
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,645 Wait. Here it comes.
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,563 A good idea is coming.
00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:46,524 Yeah. Hey, yeah!
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,275 I should become a writer!
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,654 If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:54,740 and then make plenty of money to pay rent!
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:59,370 I'll bet people can't wait to read my memoirs.
00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:03,874 "A Million...Little Fibers."
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:08,129 "By Toweleeeie."
00:02:08,254 --> 00:02:11,632 This is a really good idea.
00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,137 Uh-huh.
00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:19,014 Mm.
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:22,643 Yes. Yes, I see.
00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,770 Well, that's quite a fascinating story --
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,814 you being engineered as a towel
00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:29,733 with a computer chip that determines dryness.
00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:31,819 Yep. And it's all true!
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,737 Chapters 4 through 8, however,
00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:37,074 seem to all be about Doritos brand corn chips.
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:40,619 I guess I could edit those chapters down some.
00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:41,704 Don't bother.
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:42,955 I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,041 but nobody is ever going to publish your memoirs.
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,835 Huh?! Why not?
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,753 Well, just the small, trivial fact
00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:53,841 that people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels.
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:56,886 Well, yeah, but maybe people will read my memoirs
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,847 and, like, apply its lessons to their own lives.
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,640 No, they won't.
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,309 Because they're people.
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:04,894 And you're a towel.
00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,687 <i>You're</i> a towel.
00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,647 No, I'm a big book publisher
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,191 who's not the least bit interested
00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,026 in your stony memoirs.
00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,986 You're a towel.
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,866 Now what am I gonna do?
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:19,992 I got to pay rent,
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,412 and I just wasted three weeks writing my memoirs.
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,916 It's time for me to stop being so irresponsible.
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,959 I've got to shape up, focus,
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,587 and come up with real solutions to my problems.
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,839 I'd better get a little high.
00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:36,008 Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,427 But you have to think of something fast,
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,930 and getting high makes you smart.
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:41,931 All right.
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,642 I'll just use my special getting-high powers
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,186 one more time.
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,776 Hey. Hey, wait a minute!
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,527 Of course! That's it!
00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:58,405 Why didn't I think of it before?!
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:06,914 "All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel."
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,124 "Person."
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,378 "I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune
00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:14,380 than other towels."
00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:17,049 "People."
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:20,970 This is a really good idea.
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,098 Oh.
00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,766 Oh, my God.
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:29,061 I cannot believe a human being has led this kind of life,
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,104 Mister...
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:33,524 McTowelie. Steven McTowelie.
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:35,901 It's heartbreaking passages like this one --
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:39,113 "I am a person who often gets hung out to dry
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,531 by all those around me."
00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,284 I know this company would be honored to publish this book.
00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:45,953 I just have one small question first.
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,872 You're not...a towel, are you?
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:51,250 No.
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:52,418 If I was a towel,
00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:56,005 why would I be wearing this hat and this fake mustache?
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,298 Right. I'm sorry.
00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:58,924 Well, Steven, if it's all right with you,
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:01,135 I'm going to get our agents and lawyers on the phone.
00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,386 We're in business, sir.
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,346 All right!
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:11,687 Thank you so much!
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,690 Once in a while, I come across a book
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:20,487 that is so honest and so moving that it changes my life.
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:23,949 "A Million Little Fibers" is the true story
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,411 of a man who was born in a laboratory.
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:31,373 Please welcome author Steven McTowelie!
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:38,464 Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself,
00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:41,884 "How can a human being go through all this
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,303 and still turn out okay?"
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:47,139 Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow--
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:48,682 person!
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,476 You talk in your book how you would sometimes
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,728 have to spend days hung up on a rack.
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,980 What would that do to you emotionally?
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:58,317 You have been through so much,
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,944 and I think that people all over America...
00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,322 Oh, God. There she goes again.
00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,991 Babbling about people's lives and carrying on.
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,869 She hasn't paid any attention to <i>m e</i> in years!
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:12,122 A life that kept getting up whenever it was down...
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,666 Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge.
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,251 All she does is work.
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,879 Never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again.
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,589 A minge needs attention!
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,758 At least a scratch once in a while!
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,427 Well, Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet,
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,013 but I have some pretty exciting news for you.
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,056 Used to be a time
00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,974 when Oprah would play with me night and day.
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,685 She'd pet me for hours, using every finger.
00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:36,271 But now I just sit here... in the dark.
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,107 Not even so much as a pinkie.
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,733 <i>I</i> should write a book.
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,527 It'd be much more depressing than his.
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,821 And so, Steven, I am making your book
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:47,408 my official "Book of the Month" selection!
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,743 Really?
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:53,455 Wow! I'm gonna get super-rich now!
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,314 Uh-huh. Okay. Well, listen.
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,733 Maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th.
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,444 Is John Travolta available
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,529 to be a guest the week after that?
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,240 Okay. That might work better since it's sweeps week.
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,783 Can't take it anymore.
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,202 All she ever does is work, work, work.
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,246 Never pays attention to the ol' minge.
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,999 I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits.
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,208 I want attention.
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,293 I'm bloody bored!
00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,253 Oh, stop your complainin'!
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,088 I'm trying to sleep back here!
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,048 Oi, who's that? Is that you, Gary?
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,508 Yes, it's me.
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,010 You think you got it bad?
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,846 Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,640 Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole.
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,560 I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation!
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,271 Assholes need stimulation, too, you bastard.
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,940 I want to travel. I want to see Paris.
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,067 I thought life was going to get better.
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,777 But Oprah's always busy.
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,447 Working and working, dieting and not dieting.
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,657 I'm either puking up mounds of chocolate cake
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,201 or teaspoons of wheat grass.
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:13,869 She's a workaholic.
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:14,870 Let's face it --
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,538 The only way we're gonna get any attention
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,373 is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:19,791 Well, that will never happen.
00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,543 Not unless she gets fired.
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,254 Fired? You got a plan, Mingie?
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,256 That bloke on the show today,
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:30,135 the one Oprah supported -- He isn't a bloke at all.
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,553 He's a towel.
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,180 Oh. How do you know?
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,306 I'm a minge.
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,141 Minges know a towel when they hear one.
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,226 If evidence gets out
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,478 that Oprah's champion author is a towel,
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:41,396 she'll look right foolish.
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,732 Fans will start dropping off by the millions.
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150 How do we get proof?
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,069 We get somebody else to do it.
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,030 The greatest investigative reporter of our time.
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:52,991 Mr. Rivera?
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,243 What is it, Dmitri?
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,203 There's somebody on the phone to speak with you.
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,663 He says he has inside information for you
00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,331 that may discredit Oprah Winfrey.
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,086 This is Geraldo.
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,337 Hello, Geraldo.
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,340 I've got some information for you you might find interesting.
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:11,260 It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,553 Who am I speaking with?
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,721 He wants to know who he's speaking with.
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,975 Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah.
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,227 You'd like to see her discredited, wouldn't you?
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:21,895 What information do you have?
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,021 What'd he say?
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,357 He wants to know what information we have.
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,775 Just tell me what he says, Gary.
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,527 Don't wait for me to ask you, "What'd he say?"
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,237 Stop wasting my time.
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,072 Don't get snooty with me, Gary!
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,032 I didn't say, "Stop wasting my time."
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,075 Geraldo did!
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,493 What is going on here?
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,828 All right, Gary. This isn't working.
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,746 Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk.
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,251 - Hello? - Who is this?
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:45,460 T-This is Gary.
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,129 Gary who? What is your last name?
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,714 Don't give away your name.
00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:50,007 We don't want him knowing who we are.
00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,008 All right. Look.
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:54,428 All you need to know is I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:55,762 Oh, you stupid twit!
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,723 Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
00:09:57,848 --> 00:09:59,891 He didn't call you a stupid twit. I did!
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:02,227 Now, just tell him this.
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,897 The writer of the book on Oprah's "Book of the Month" club
00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,107 is a phony.
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,734 He's not a person at all.
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,402 He's a towel.
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,946 A towel? A talking towel?
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,489 That doesn't make any sense.
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,949 Tell him he'd be surprised
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:16,992 the things that can talk.
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,661 You'd be surprised the things that can talk.
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:22,080 What proof do have of this accusation?
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,958 Just look into the author of "A Million Little Fibers,"
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,793 and you'll discover the truth.
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,211 And how do I go about that?
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,965 Hello? Hello?!
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,927 This is "Larry King Live."
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,764 My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie,
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,433 author of the acclaimed book "A Million Little Fibers."
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,101 How are you tonight, Steven?
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,771 Well, Larry, I'm a little high.
00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:48,190 Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction.
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,399 What made you write it?
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:53,153 Well, Larry, I was really just writing down my memoirs as a --
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,947 What? What's that? Oh, excuse me, Steven.
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:58,116 I understand that we have a special report coming in.
00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,077 Joining us live from Afghanistan,
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,703 here is Geraldo Rivera.
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,791 Hello? Larry, are you receiving me?
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:08,126 We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show.
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,545 Larry, this brave reporter has spent days
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,172 investigating and researching,
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,424 and I have come up with a shocking discovery
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:18,095 that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world.
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,640 Steven McTowelie, author of "A Million Little Fibers"...
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,309 is a <i>to we I.</i>
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,686 <i>You're</i> a towel!
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,896 No, you're a towel.
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,606 Well, you're a beaner towel.
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,899 What did you say?
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,610 I'm sorry. I'm high.
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,070 This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,365 Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing,
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,616 and you've just spent two weeks
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,244 supporting a lying, racist towel.
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,205 He did it, Gary! Geraldo got the proof!
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,290 Oprah's got egg all over face!
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:48,834 She'll have to retire!
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,002 It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gar.
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,713 Without her career to worry about,
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:54,840 Oprah's sure to travel the world,
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,800 enjoy the finer things in life.
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,970 She'll spend hours just playing with her ol' minge.
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,513 And her Gary, too?
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,098 Sure, and her Gary.
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,349 We did it, mate!
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,727 Oprah, we need to figure out what we're going to do!
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,312 What's the big deal? His book helped people.
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,565 Why does it matter that he made some stuff up?
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,025 Are people really going to be that mad?
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,242 Your book got me to give up alcohol!
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,369 But I thought you were a person!
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,122 Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,500 No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,044 No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:36,465 Oh, God. I'm really in trouble now.
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,634 Hello?
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,094 Steven, it's Oprah.
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,513 Can you come on my show again tomorrow?
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,306 Why?
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,183 We need to tell the audience
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:48,310 why you changed some of the facts in your book,
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,146 that you thought it necessary to heighten certain things
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,982 to make the book more relevant to people.
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,151 Hey, yeah.
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,194 Just come on the show
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,112 and explain in a very level-headed way
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,947 that changing some facts shouldn't matter
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,074 if the book helps people, okay?
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,242 Okay!
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,287 Thanks, Oprah. You're a real friend.
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,705 See you tomorrow!
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,333 All right. I've got one chance here.
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,252 I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say.
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,505 Maybe I should get a little high.
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,839 No. Wait a minute!
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,633 I'm not gonna get high this time.
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:21,218 Aw, come on.
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:24,554 You need to come up with ideas of what to say on "Oprah."
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,807 But the ideas I come up with when I'm high
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,475 keep getting me in trouble.
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,771 Yeah, that's why you should only get a little high.
00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:36,274 Well, maybe just a little high.
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,948 Today, my guest is once again Steven McTowelie,
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,699 whose memoirs many of you purchased
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,160 after I made it my "Book of the Month" selection!
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,790 You hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'!
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,834 Yeah. They're all right pissed off!
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,126 This is great!
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:58,088 Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven.
00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,631 It's Towelie, correct?
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,715 Yeah.
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,300 And you <i>a re</i> a towel.
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,886 Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,555 Can you explain to the audience
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,974 why you said you weren't a towel before?
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,143 Well, Oprah, I was all, like...
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,313 Um...w-well, they're all like... It's like...
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,399 Was it that you thought embellishing the story
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,860 was okay if it helped people?
00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:21,570 Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,154 Well, you know what I think, Towelie?
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,950 I think you're a lying sack shit.
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,371 You lied to all these people, and for what?
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,081 To make money!
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,792 They bought your book thinking it was true!
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,335 - Yeah! That's right! - Yeah.
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,545 But I thought you said --
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:42,048 How dare you lie to me and make me look foolish?
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,384 What's this? What's she doin'?!
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,177 I don't understand, Mingie!
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,930 You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel!
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,432 Yeah. You -- You get him, Oprah!
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,683 Yeah!
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,602 You will <i>not</i> get away with this.
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,770 She's getting everyone back on her side!
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,439 Oh, the clever cow!
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,107 You lied to me, Towelie,
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,735 and therefore, you have lied to America.
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,362 We are going to rise up against you!
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,780 Yeah!
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:09,743 Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,369 Yeah!
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,287 Huh?!
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,247 Audience, if you look under your seats,
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:17,667 you'll find your very own torches!
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,548 Minge! Does this mean I have to wait to see Paris?
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,300 There's not gonna be any Paris.
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,968 Don't you get it, Gary?
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,262 The fat cow got everyone on her side again!
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,097 She'll be working more than ever now!
00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,350 - Our plan is ruined! - No!
00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:35,977 We'll give you a five-second head start!
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,312 One, two!
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,313 Aah!
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,522 Let's get him!
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,816 Burn him!
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,276 Burn the towel!
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,279 Burn that which lies to Oprah!
00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,917 Looks like your time is up, Towelie!
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,753 I've lead my adoring fans right to you!
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,714 - All right, Oprah! - Yeah!
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,925 I've shown my fans that --
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,302 Ugh! Ow! Wha--
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,056 All right! Everyone back!
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,224 Get back, I said!
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,522 What the hell is this?
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,816 Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,901 Mingie! What are you doing?
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,404 We're getting out of here, Gary, one way or another!
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,782 What is going on?
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,368 Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow!
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,578 Or so help me, I'll blow your brains out!
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,998 I want a chopper -- you got that? --
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,041 and a jet waiting at the airport!
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,794 Mingie, have you lost your mind?
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,004 Come on, Gary.
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,131 You said you always wanted to see Paris.
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:49,884 Not like this, Mingie. Not like this!
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,428 All right. The gig is up.
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,804 Just put down the gun.
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,014 Stay back, mate!
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,598 Drop the gun and step away.
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:56,933 I'm warning you!
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,643 Put it down, I said!
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,024 Jesus, Minge! You killed him!
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,900 You shot him dead!
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,485 No turning back now, Gary.
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,363 Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick!
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,614 Keep your head, Gary!
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,701 I can't. I'm gonna puke!
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,913 Oh, Gary, that smells awful.
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,457 Now I'm gonna throw up!
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:26,880 Try to leave, and I'll shoot you, too!
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,715 You hostages aren't going anywhere
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,175 until we get what we want!
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,135 Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,846 You got us into this, towel. Think of something!
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,098 All right. I'm gonna get a little high.
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,935 No! No, I'm <i>not</i> gonna get high!
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,520 Every time I get high,
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,273 I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble.
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,692 I'm not getting high this time!
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,202 I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago,
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,954 where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,207 and taken several people hostage.
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,792 It is yet unconfirmed but believed
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:07,170 that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,549 We got the walkie-talkie you asked for.
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,760 Put it underneath me.
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,429 Slowly, mate! Slowly!
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,764 Now back off.
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,476 All right, Gary. Squeeze the walkie button.
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,603 This is Oprah's minge.
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:26,272 Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands?
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,317 I want a chopper and a jet waiting at the airport
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,652 to take us to France.
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,612 Plus, we need some fresh knickers right away.
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,990 All right. How about fresh underwear for one hostage?
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,826 I'm not playing games with you, mate!
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,786 Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,497 All right. We'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish.
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,498 We don't have any time.
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,750 This is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to.
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,127 O'Reilly, you got a shot?
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,294 I got it.
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,506 Not with those hostages so close!
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,549 It's too risky!
00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,676 Just put down the gun, Mingie.
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,636 Maybe they'll go easy on us.
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,347 Don't be stupid, Gary. I've killed a policeman.
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,142 They'll fry me and lock you up for life.
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,978 Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,271 We're gonna get out of here, mate.
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,355 Just leave it to me.
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,607 Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning.
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,109 Put down the gun.
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:12,944 If that chopper isn't here in two minutes,
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,904 I'm killing a hostage!
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,573 Hey. Wait a minute.
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,375 Psst!
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,252 I mean it!
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,754 Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen!
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,592 Hostages are clear!
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,385 All right. That's it. Take it out.
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:38,928 Aah!
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,680 What the...
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,640 You missed me, you stupid buggers!
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:45,310 You see that, Gary? They can't even aim!
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:48,146 Min-- Mingie?
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,689 Gary, what's -- what's wrong?
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,024 They got me, Mingie.
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,193 No. Oh, no!
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,154 Oh. They got me bad.
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,780 Oh, the blood!
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,282 Try to hang on, Gar!
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,201 It's gettin' dark, Minge.
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,204 Oh, Gary. What have I got you into?
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:07,457 I'm seeing my life flash before me eyes.
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:08,917 Mingie?!
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,043 I'm here, Gar!
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:12,545 Where -- Where are we, Mingie?
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,380 Are we in Paris?
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,592 Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,720 Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,096 I-It's beautiful.
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,514 We finally made it.
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,516 Tell me what you see, Mingie.
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:29,103 Well, there's the Eiffel Tower right in front of us,
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,231 the Louvre right over there behind you,
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,566 and fresh baguettes all around!
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:37,362 Ah. I can smell 'em, Mingie.
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:40,949 At least I got to see Paris before I...
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,661 Gary?
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,162 Gary, say something!
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,999 You killed him, you bastards!
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,960 He didn't even want any part in this!
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,295 This all your fault, you stupid cow!
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:58,216 You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day, and now he's gone!
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,093 Life ain't worth living anymore.
00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:01,719 What's the use?!
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,680 I'm coming to see you, Gary!
00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:04,931 I'm coming to see you!
00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:06,724 No! Don't!
00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,236 Oprah's going to be okay.
00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:21,531 Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole.
00:21:21,656 --> 00:21:22,991 That's a great idea you had
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,993 to sneak the hostages inside the bank.
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:26,160 Yeah, it sure was.
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,663 We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before.
00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,123 Oh, that's okay.
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:32,208 This whole thing was my fault.
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:37,797 I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas.
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,215 I should come up with ideas
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,676 and then get high to reward myself.
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,137 You said it!

00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:12,013 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,723 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,391 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,312 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:21,647 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:25,151 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:28,154 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:32,992 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,372 Hi. Welcome to P.F. Chang's.
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,417 How spicy would you like me to make your Chang Sauce?
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,211 Chris, the people at table 3 need their check.
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:45,755 I know. I'm swamped!
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,382 - I've got no help here! - What about the new waiter?
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,301 The new waiter is useless.
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,261 And I think he's high.
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:56,682 How spicy would you like your Chang Sauce?
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,392 Can we just place our order, please?
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:01,812 Oh, man. I have no idea what's going on.
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,022 Everything okay here?
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:04,648 Fine, except this towel
00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:07,109 has been mixing Chang Sauce for 15 minutes.
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,152 He's clueless.
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,945 Don't call <i>m e</i> shoeless!
00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,363 <i>You're</i> shoeless!
00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,656 Yeah. Well, you're a towel.
00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:13,741 <i>You're</i> a towel!
00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:16,368 All right. That's it. Get out of here. You're fired!
00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:17,286 Yeah!
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,080 Not him, you!
00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,414 Aww.
00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:22,249 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:25,419 Oh, man. I really screwed up this time.
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,338 The rent's due at the end of the month,
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,923 and I don't have any money!
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:32,384 I need to shape up and find a new job quick!
00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:36,555 But first maybe I'll get a little high.
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,645 Wait. Here it comes.
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,563 A good idea is coming.
00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:46,524 Yeah. Hey, yeah!
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,275 I should become a writer!
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,654 If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:54,740 and then make plenty of money to pay rent!
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:59,370 I'll bet people can't wait to read my memoirs.
00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:03,874 "A Million...Little Fibers."
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:08,129 "By Toweleeeie."
00:02:08,254 --> 00:02:11,632 This is a really good idea.
00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,137 Uh-huh.
00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:19,014 Mm.
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:22,643 Yes. Yes, I see.
00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,770 Well, that's quite a fascinating story --
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,814 you being engineered as a towel
00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:29,733 with a computer chip that determines dryness.
00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:31,819 Yep. And it's all true!
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,737 Chapters 4 through 8, however,
00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:37,074 seem to all be about Doritos brand corn chips.
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:40,619 I guess I could edit those chapters down some.
00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:41,704 Don't bother.
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:42,955 I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,041 but nobody is ever going to publish your memoirs.
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,835 Huh?! Why not?
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,753 Well, just the small, trivial fact
00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:53,841 that people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels.
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:56,886 Well, yeah, but maybe people will read my memoirs
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,847 and, like, apply its lessons to their own lives.
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,640 No, they won't.
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,309 Because they're people.
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:04,894 And you're a towel.
00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,687 <i>You're</i> a towel.
00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,647 No, I'm a big book publisher
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,191 who's not the least bit interested
00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,026 in your stony memoirs.
00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,986 You're a towel.
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:17,281 [ Dramatic music plays ]
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,866 Now what am I gonna do?
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:19,992 I got to pay rent,
00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,412 and I just wasted three weeks writing my memoirs.
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,916 It's time for me to stop being so irresponsible.
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,959 I've got to shape up, focus,
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,587 and come up with real solutions to my problems.
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,839 I'd better get a little high.
00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:36,008 Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,427 But you have to think of something fast,
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,930 and getting high makes you smart.
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:41,931 All right.
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,642 I'll just use my special getting-high powers
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,186 one more time.
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,776 Hey. Hey, wait a minute!
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,527 Of course! That's it!
00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:58,405 Why didn't I think of it before?!
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:06,914 "All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel."
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,124 "Person."
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,378 "I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune
00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:14,380 than other towels."
00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:17,049 "People."
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:20,970 This is a really good idea.
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,098 Oh.
00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,766 Oh, my God.
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:29,061 I cannot believe a human being has led this kind of life,
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,104 Mister...
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:33,524 McTowelie. Steven McTowelie.
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:35,901 It's heartbreaking passages like this one --
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:39,113 "I am a person who often gets hung out to dry
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,531 by all those around me."
00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,284 I know this company would be honored to publish this book.
00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:45,953 I just have one small question first.
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,872 You're not...a towel, are you?
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:51,250 No.
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:52,418 If I was a towel,
00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:56,005 why would I be wearing this hat and this fake mustache?
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,298 Right. I'm sorry.
00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:58,924 Well, Steven, if it's all right with you,
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:01,135 I'm going to get our agents and lawyers on the phone.
00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,386 We're in business, sir.
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,346 All right!
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:08,309 [ Up-tempo music plays, crowd cheering ]
00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:11,687 Thank you so much!
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,690 Once in a while, I come across a book
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:20,487 that is so honest and so moving that it changes my life.
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:23,949 "A Million Little Fibers" is the true story
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,411 of a man who was born in a laboratory.
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:31,373 Please welcome author Steven McTowelie!
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,959 [ Cheers and applause ]
00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:38,464 Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself,
00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:41,884 "How can a human being go through all this
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,303 and still turn out okay?"
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:47,139 Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow--
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:48,682 person!
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,476 You talk in your book how you would sometimes
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,728 have to spend days hung up on a rack.
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,980 What would that do to you emotionally?
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:58,317 You have been through so much,
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,944 and I think that people all over America...
00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,322 MINGIE: [ British accent ] Oh, God. There she goes again.
00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,991 Babbling about people's lives and carrying on.
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,869 She hasn't paid any attention to <i>m e</i> in years!
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:12,122 A life that kept getting up whenever it was down...
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,666 MINGIE: Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge.
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,251 All she does is work.
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,879 Never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again.
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,589 A minge needs attention!
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,758 At least a scratch once in a while!
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,427 Well, Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet,
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,013 but I have some pretty exciting news for you.
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,056 MINGIE: Used to be a time
00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,974 when Oprah would play with me night and day.
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,685 She'd pet me for hours, using every finger.
00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:36,271 But now I just sit here... in the dark.
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,107 Not even so much as a pinkie.
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,733 <i>I</i> should write a book.
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,527 It'd be much more depressing than his.
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,821 And so, Steven, I am making your book
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:47,408 my official "Book of the Month" selection!
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,743 - Really? - [ Cheers and applause ]
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:53,455 Wow! I'm gonna get super-rich now!
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,417 [ Up-tempo music plays ]
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,314 Uh-huh. Okay. Well, listen.
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,733 Maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th.
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,444 Is John Travolta available
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,529 to be a guest the week after that?
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,240 Okay. That might work better since it's sweeps week.
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,783 MINGIE: Can't take it anymore.
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,202 All she ever does is work, work, work.
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,246 Never pays attention to the ol' minge.
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,999 I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits.
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,208 I want attention.
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,293 I'm bloody bored!
00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,253 GARY: [ British accent ] Oh, stop your complainin'!
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,088 I'm trying to sleep back here!
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,048 MINGIE: Oi, who's that? Is that you, Gary?
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,508 GARY: Yes, it's me.
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,010 You think you got it bad?
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,846 Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,640 MINGIE: Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole.
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,560 I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation!
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,271 GARY: Assholes need stimulation, too, you bastard.
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,940 I want to travel. I want to see Paris.
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,067 I thought life was going to get better.
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,777 But Oprah's always busy.
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,447 Working and working, dieting and not dieting.
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,657 I'm either puking up mounds of chocolate cake
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,201 or teaspoons of wheat grass.
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:13,869 MINGIE: She's a workaholic.
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:14,870 Let's face it --
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,538 The only way we're gonna get any attention
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,373 is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:19,791 GARY: Well, that will never happen.
00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,543 MINGIE: Not unless she gets fired.
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,254 GARY: Fired? You got a plan, Mingie?
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,256 MINGIE: That bloke on the show today,
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:30,135 the one Oprah supported -- He isn't a bloke at all.
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,553 He's a towel.
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,180 GARY: Oh. How do you know?
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,306 MINGIE: I'm a minge.
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,141 Minges know a towel when they hear one.
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,226 If evidence gets out
00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,478 that Oprah's champion author is a towel,
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:41,396 she'll look right foolish.
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,732 Fans will start dropping off by the millions.
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150 GARY: How do we get proof?
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,069 MINGIE: We get somebody else to do it.
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,030 The greatest investigative reporter of our time.
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:52,991 Mr. Rivera?
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,243 What is it, Dmitri?
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,203 There's somebody on the phone to speak with you.
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,663 He says he has inside information for you
00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,331 that may discredit Oprah Winfrey.
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,375 [ Dramatic music plays ]
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,086 This is Geraldo.
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,337 MINGIE: Hello, Geraldo.
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,340 I've got some information for you you might find interesting.
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:11,260 It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,553 Who am I speaking with?
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,721 GARY: He wants to know who he's speaking with.
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,975 MINGIE: Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah.
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,227 You'd like to see her discredited, wouldn't you?
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:21,895 What information do you have?
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,021 MINGIE: What'd he say?
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,357 GARY: He wants to know what information we have.
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,775 MINGIE: Just tell me what he says, Gary.
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,527 Don't wait for me to ask you, "What'd he say?"
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,237 GARY: Stop wasting my time.
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,072 MINGIE: Don't get snooty with me, Gary!
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,032 GARY: I didn't say, "Stop wasting my time."
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,075 Geraldo did!
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,493 What is going on here?
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,828 MINGIE: All right, Gary. This isn't working.
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,746 Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk.
00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,251 - GARY: Hello? - Who is this?
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:45,460 T-This is Gary.
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,129 Gary who? What is your last name?
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,714 MINGIE: Don't give away your name.
00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:50,007 We don't want him knowing who we are.
00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,008 GARY: All right. Look.
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:54,428 All you need to know is I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:55,762 MINGIE: Oh, you stupid twit!
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,723 GARY: Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
00:09:57,848 --> 00:09:59,891 MINGIE: He didn't call you a stupid twit. I did!
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:02,227 Now, just tell him this.
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,897 GARY: The writer of the book on Oprah's "Book of the Month" club
00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,107 is a phony.
00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,734 He's not a person at all.
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,402 He's a towel.
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,946 A towel? A talking towel?
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,489 That doesn't make any sense.
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,949 MINGIE: Tell him he'd be surprised
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:16,992 the things that can talk.
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,661 GARY: You'd be surprised the things that can talk.
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:22,080 What proof do have of this accusation?
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,958 GARY: Just look into the author of "A Million Little Fibers,"
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,793 and you'll discover the truth.
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,211 And how do I go about that?
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:29,504 [ Click, dial tone ]
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,965 Hello? Hello?!
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,927 - [ Mid-tempo music plays ] - MAN: This is "Larry King Live."
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,764 My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie,
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,433 author of the acclaimed book "A Million Little Fibers."
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,101 How are you tonight, Steven?
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,771 Well, Larry, I'm a little high.
00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:48,190 Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction.
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,399 What made you write it?
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:53,153 Well, Larry, I was really just writing down my memoirs as a --
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,947 What? What's that? Oh, excuse me, Steven.
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:58,116 I understand that we have a special report coming in.
00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,077 Joining us live from Afghanistan,
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,703 here is Geraldo Rivera.
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,246 [ Static ]
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,791 Hello? Larry, are you receiving me?
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:08,126 We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show.
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,545 Larry, this brave reporter has spent days
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,172 investigating and researching,
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,424 and I have come up with a shocking discovery
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:18,095 that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world.
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,640 Steven McTowelie, author of "A Million Little Fibers"...
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,309 is a <i>to we I.</i>
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,686 <i>You're</i> a towel!
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,896 No, you're a towel.
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,606 Well, you're a beaner towel.
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,899 What did you say?
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,610 I'm sorry. I'm high.
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,070 This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,365 Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing,
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,616 and you've just spent two weeks
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,244 supporting a lying, racist towel.
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,205 MINGIE: He did it, Gary! Geraldo got the proof!
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,290 GARY: Oprah's got egg all over face!
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:48,834 She'll have to retire!
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,002 MINGIE: It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gar.
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,713 Without her career to worry about,
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:54,840 Oprah's sure to travel the world,
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,800 enjoy the finer things in life.
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,970 She'll spend hours just playing with her ol' minge.
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,513 GARY: And her Gary, too?
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,098 MINGIE: Sure, and her Gary.
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,349 We did it, mate!
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,727 Oprah, we need to figure out what we're going to do!
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,312 What's the big deal? His book helped people.
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,565 Why does it matter that he made some stuff up?
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,025 Are people really going to be that mad?
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,194 [ Crowd shouting ]
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,242 Your book got me to give up alcohol!
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,369 But I thought you were a person!
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,122 Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,500 MEN: No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,044 No insultar Mexicanos, olé!
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:36,465 Oh, God. I'm really in trouble now.
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,258 [ Telephone rings ]
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,634 Hello?
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,094 Steven, it's Oprah.
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,513 Can you come on my show again tomorrow?
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,306 Why?
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,183 We need to tell the audience
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:48,310 why you changed some of the facts in your book,
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,146 that you thought it necessary to heighten certain things
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,982 to make the book more relevant to people.
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,151 Hey, yeah.
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,194 Just come on the show
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,112 and explain in a very level-headed way
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,947 that changing some facts shouldn't matter
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,074 if the book helps people, okay?
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,242 Okay!
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,287 Thanks, Oprah. You're a real friend.
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,705 See you tomorrow!
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,333 All right. I've got one chance here.
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,252 I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say.
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,505 Maybe I should get a little high.
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,839 No. Wait a minute!
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,633 I'm not gonna get high this time.
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:21,218 Aw, come on.
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:24,554 You need to come up with ideas of what to say on "Oprah."
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,807 But the ideas I come up with when I'm high
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,475 keep getting me in trouble.
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,771 Yeah, that's why you should only get a little high.
00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:36,274 Well, maybe just a little high.
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:39,736 [ Up-tempo music plays, crowd cheering ]
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,948 Today, my guest is once again Steven McTowelie,
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,699 whose memoirs many of you purchased
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,160 after I made it my "Book of the Month" selection!
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,790 MINGIE: You hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'!
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,834 GARY: Yeah. They're all right pissed off!
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,126 This is great!
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:58,088 Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven.
00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,631 It's Towelie, correct?
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,715 Yeah.
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,300 And you <i>a re</i> a towel.
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,886 Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,555 Can you explain to the audience
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,974 why you said you weren't a towel before?
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,143 Well, Oprah, I was all, like...
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,313 Um...w-well, they're all like... It's like...
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,399 Was it that you thought embellishing the story
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,860 was okay if it helped people?
00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:21,570 Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,154 Well, you know what I think, Towelie?
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,950 I think you're a lying sack shit.
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,451 [ Dramatic music plays ]
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,371 You lied to all these people, and for what?
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,081 To make money!
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,792 They bought your book thinking it was true!
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,335 - Yeah! That's right! - Yeah.
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,545 But I thought you said --
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:42,048 How dare you lie to me and make me look foolish?
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,384 MINGIE: What's this? What's she doin'?!
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,177 GARY: I don't understand, Mingie!
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,930 You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel!
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,432 Yeah. You -- You get him, Oprah!
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,683 ALL: Yeah!
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,602 You will <i>not</i> get away with this.
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,770 MINGIE: She's getting everyone back on her side!
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,439 Oh, the clever cow!
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,107 You lied to me, Towelie,
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,735 and therefore, you have lied to America.
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,362 We are going to rise up against you!
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,780 ALL: Yeah!
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:09,743 Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,369 ALL: Yeah!
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,287 Huh?!
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,247 Audience, if you look under your seats,
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:17,667 you'll find your very own torches!
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,211 [Audience murmuring ]
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,548 GARY: Minge! Does this mean I have to wait to see Paris?
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,300 MINGIE: There's not gonna be any Paris.
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,968 Don't you get it, Gary?
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,262 The fat cow got everyone on her side again!
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,097 She'll be working more than ever now!
00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,350 - Our plan is ruined! - GARY: No!
00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:35,977 We'll give you a five-second head start!
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,312 One, two!
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,313 Aah!
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,522 Let's get him!
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,816 Burn him!
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,276 Burn the towel!
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,279 Burn that which lies to Oprah!
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,032 [ Dramatic music plays ]
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:51,284 [ Crowd shouting ]
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:55,789 [ Rattling ]
00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,917 Looks like your time is up, Towelie!
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,753 I've lead my adoring fans right to you!
00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,714 - All right, Oprah! - Yeah!
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,925 I've shown my fans that --
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,302 Ugh! Ow! Wha--
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,804 [ Gun cocks ]
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,056 MINGIE: All right! Everyone back!
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,224 Get back, I said!
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,518 [ Crowd screaming ]
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,522 What the hell is this?
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,816 MINGIE: Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,901 GARY: Mingie! What are you doing?
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,404 MINGIE: We're getting out of here, Gary, one way or another!
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,782 What is going on?
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,368 MINGIE: Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow!
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,578 Or so help me, I'll blow your brains out!
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,998 I want a chopper -- you got that? --
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,041 and a jet waiting at the airport!
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,794 GARY: Mingie, have you lost your mind?
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,004 MINGIE: Come on, Gary.
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,131 You said you always wanted to see Paris.
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:49,884 GARY: Not like this, Mingie. Not like this!
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,428 All right. The gig is up.
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,804 Just put down the gun.
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,014 MINGIE: Stay back, mate!
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,598 Drop the gun and step away.
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:56,933 MINGIE: I'm warning you!
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,643 - Put it down, I said! - [ Gunshot ]
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,770 [ Groans ]
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,024 GARY: Jesus, Minge! You killed him!
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,900 You shot him dead!
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,485 MINGIE: No turning back now, Gary.
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,363 GARY: Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick!
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,614 Keep your head, Gary!
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,701 GARY: I can't. I'm gonna puke!
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,786 [ Vomits ]
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,913 MINGIE: Oh, Gary, that smells awful.
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,457 Now I'm gonna throw up!
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:22,751 [ Vomiting ]
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:26,880 Try to leave, and I'll shoot you, too!
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,715 You hostages aren't going anywhere
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,175 until we get what we want!
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,135 Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,846 You got us into this, towel. Think of something!
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,098 All right. I'm gonna get a little high.
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,935 No! No, I'm <i>not</i> gonna get high!
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,520 Every time I get high,
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,273 I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble.
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,692 I'm not getting high this time!
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,488 [ Mid-tempo music plays ]
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,202 I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago,
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,954 where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,207 and taken several people hostage.
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,792 It is yet unconfirmed but believed
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:07,170 that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,549 We got the walkie-talkie you asked for.
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,760 MINGIE: Put it underneath me.
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,429 Slowly, mate! Slowly!
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,764 Now back off.
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,476 All right, Gary. Squeeze the walkie button.
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,603 - [ Click, static ] - This is Oprah's minge.
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:26,272 Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands?
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,317 MINGIE: I want a chopper and a jet waiting at the airport
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,652 to take us to France.
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,612 Plus, we need some fresh knickers right away.
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,990 All right. How about fresh underwear for one hostage?
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,826 MINGIE: I'm not playing games with you, mate!
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,786 Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,497 All right. We'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish.
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,498 We don't have any time.
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,750 This is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to.
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,127 O'Reilly, you got a shot?
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,294 I got it.
00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,506 Not with those hostages so close!
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,549 It's too risky!
00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,676 GARY: Just put down the gun, Mingie.
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,636 Maybe they'll go easy on us.
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,347 MINGIE: Don't be stupid, Gary. I've killed a policeman.
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,142 They'll fry me and lock you up for life.
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,978 GARY: Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,271 MINGIE: We're gonna get out of here, mate.
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,355 Just leave it to me.
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,607 Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning.
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,109 Put down the gun.
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:12,944 MINGIE: If that chopper isn't here in two minutes,
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,904 I'm killing a hostage!
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,573 Hey. Wait a minute.
00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:19,117 [ Dramatic music plays ]
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,375 Psst!
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,252 MINGIE: I mean it!
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,754 Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen!
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,592 Hostages are clear!
00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,385 All right. That's it. Take it out.
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:38,928 Aah!
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,680 MINGIE: What the... [ Chuckles ]
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,640 You missed me, you stupid buggers!
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:45,310 You see that, Gary? They can't even aim!
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:48,146 GARY: [ Weakly ] Min-- Mingie?
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,689 MINGIE: Gary, what's -- what's wrong?
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,024 GARY: They got me, Mingie.
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,193 MINGIE: No. Oh, no!
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,154 GARY: Oh. They got me bad.
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,780 Oh, the blood!
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,282 MINGIE: Try to hang on, Gar!
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,201 GARY: [ Grunts ] It's gettin' dark, Minge.
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,204 MINGIE: Oh, Gary. What have I got you into?
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:07,457 GARY: I'm seeing my life flash before me eyes.
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:08,917 Mingie?!
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,043 MINGIE: I'm here, Gar!
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:12,545 GARY: Where -- Where are we, Mingie?
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,380 Are we in Paris?
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,592 MINGIE: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,720 GARY: [ Whimpers ] Is it as wonderful as I hoped?
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,096 MINGIE: I-It's beautiful.
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,514 [ Voice breaking ] We finally made it.
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,516 GARY: Tell me what you see, Mingie.
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:29,103 MINGIE: Well, there's the Eiffel Tower right in front of us,
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,231 the Louvre right over there behind you,
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,566 and fresh baguettes all around!
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:37,362 GARY: Ah. I can smell 'em, Mingie.
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:40,949 At least I got to see Paris before I...
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,284 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,661 MINGIE: Gary?
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,162 Gary, say something!
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,122 GARY: [ Farts ]
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,999 MINGIE: You killed him, you bastards!
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,960 He didn't even want any part in this!
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,295 This all your fault, you stupid cow!
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:58,216 You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day, and now he's gone!
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,093 Life ain't worth living anymore.
00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:01,719 What's the use?!
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,680 - I'm coming to see you, Gary! - [ Gun cocks ]
00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:04,931 I'm coming to see you!
00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:06,724 No! Don't!
00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,310 [ Gunshot ]
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,312 [ Siren wails ]
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,731 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,236 Oprah's going to be okay.
00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:21,531 Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole.
00:21:21,656 --> 00:21:22,991 That's a great idea you had
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,993 to sneak the hostages inside the bank.
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:26,160 Yeah, it sure was.
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,663 We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before.
00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,123 Oh, that's okay.
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:32,208 This whole thing was my fault.
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:37,797 I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas.
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,215 I should come up with ideas
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,676 and then get high to reward myself.
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,137 You said it!

Скриншоты

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 1

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 2

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 3

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 4

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 5

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 6

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 7

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 8

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 9

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 10

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 11

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 12

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 13

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 14

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 15

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 16

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 17

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 18

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 19

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 20

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 21

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 22

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 23

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 24

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 25

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 26

Миллион маленьких волокон — скриншот 27