Миллион маленьких волокон

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Саут-Парк (Эпизод 1005) - Миллион маленьких волокон

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Привет, добро пожаловать в П.Ф. Яйцзи.

Насколько острый соус Яйцзи вам сделать?

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Крис, люди за третьим столиком

ждут свой чек

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Я знаю. У меня завал.

Никто мне не помогает!

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А что на счет нового официанта?

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Новый официант никакой.

И, мне кажется, он обдолбанный

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Насколько острый вы хотите соус Яйцзи?

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Может вы просто примете заказ?

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О, чувак,

я понятия не имею, что происходит!

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У вас все в порядке тут?

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Да, но этот полотенчик смешивает

соус Яйцзи уже 15 минут.

Он отсталый!

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Не называй меня салом!

Это ты сало!

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Да? Тогда ты - полотенчик!

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Ты - ПОЛОТЕНЧИК!

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Все, с меня хватит!

Убирайся отсюда!

Ты уволен!

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На тебе!

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Не его! Тебя!

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Вот фигня, на этот раз

я действительно облажался

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Плата за квартиру в конце этого месяца,

а у меня нет денег

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Мне нужно взять себя в руки и

найти быстренько новую работу

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Но сначала, наверное, я немного пыхну

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Подождите. Началось.

Пошли хорошие идеи.

Да! Вот именно!

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Мне нужно стать писателем!

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Если я напишу книжку про свою жизнь,

я смогу ее опубликовать и

заработать кучу денег для оплаты счетов,

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Бьюсь об заклад, люди не могут

дождаться, чтобы прочитать мои мемуары

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МИЛЛИОН МАЛЕНЬКИХ ВОЛОКОН

Полотенчииик

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Это действительно клевая идея

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Да, да, я вижу

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Это действительно прекрасная история.

Вас создали, как полотенчик с компьютерным

чипом, который определяет сухость

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Угу! И это все правда

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С 4 по 8 главу, тем не менее,

похоже, что идет речь

о кукурузных корабликах

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Возможно, я мог бы переделать

эти главы на что-нибудь другое

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Не стоит. Мне жаль, говорить вам это,

но боюсь, что никто не опубликует ваши мемуары

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Ой? Почему нет?

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Ну, просто банальная причина, потому что...

людям не интересно читать

автобиографии полотенчиков

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Ну да, но, возможно люди

прочитав мои мемуары,

используют мой опыт к своей жизни

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Нет, они не станут.

Потому что они люди.

А ты полотенчик

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ТЫ полотенчик

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Нет, я великий книжный издатель,

который не заинтересован

в твоих тупых мемуарах

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Ты полотенчик

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И что мне теперь делать? Я должен

платить за квартиру и я просрал

3 недели, шкрябая эти мемуары

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Хватит мне быть

таким безответственным

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Я должен собраться, сфокусироваться,

и найти настоящее решение моих проблем

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Лучше мне немного пыхнуть

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О, может не стоит

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Но ты должен что-то быстренько придумать,

а пыхнув, ты станешь умнее

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Хорошо, я просто еще раз использую

мою экстра ПЫХ-ПЫХ силу

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Ой, ой, минуточку Конечно! Именно так!

Почему я раньше про это не думал?

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"МИЛЛИОН МАЛЕНЬКИХ ВОЛОКОН"

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Всю свою жизнь я был очень

безответственным полотенчиком

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...человеком

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Я думал, что я сильнее и

более защищенный, чем

другие полотенчики

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...лю...ди

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Это очень клёвая идея

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Ох! О, Боже мой.

Не могу поверить, что человек

жил такой жизнью, Мистер...!

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МакПолотенчиков, Стивен МакПолотенчиков

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Эти трагические отрывки, как вот:

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"Я человек, которого часто пыталось

высушить все то, что окружало меня"

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Уверен, наша компания будут гордиться,

опубликовав эту книгу.

Но у меня есть один вопросик

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Вы случайно не... полотенчик, нет?

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...Нет. Если бы я был полотенчиком,

разве я бы одел эту шляпу

и эти фальшивые усы?

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Точно, я извиняюсь

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Ну, Стивен, если вы согласны,

я готов немедленно связаться с нашими

агентами и адвокатами по телефону прямо сейчас

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Процесс пошел, мистер

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Клёво!

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ПРАХ ОПРЫ

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Большое спасибо

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Время от времени я нахожу книжку,

которая НАСТОЛЬКО открыта и трогательна,

что она изменяет мою жизнь

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"Миллион маленьких волокон"

это правдивая история про человека,

который родился в лаборатории

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Пожалуйста, встречайте автора Стивена МакПолотенчикова!

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Стивен, когда я читала вашу

книжку, я спросила себя:

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"Как человеческая жизнь могла пройти

через все это и не сломаться?"

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Ну, думаю я просто

необыкновенный полоте... человек

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Вы рассказываете в своей книге, что иногда

вам доводилось целыми днями висеть на вешалке

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Как это повлияло на вас эмоционально?

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Вы СТОЛЬКО выдержали,

и я думаю люди во всей Америке

смогут извлечь урок...

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О Боже, снова началось,

Без конца чешет про человеческие жизни.

Она не уделяла мне внимания милионы лет!

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...жизнь, которая поднималась,

если бы ее не унижали...

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Никто не знает,

каково это быть вагиной Опры

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Она думает только про роботу,

никогда не натирает свою старую вагинку

время от времени

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Вагине необходимо внимание!

Хотя бы, изредка "шлифование"!

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Ну, Стивен, ваша книжка уже

разошлась многими копиями,

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но у меня есть прекрасные новости ДЛЯ ВАС!

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Были времена, когда Опра

игралась со мной днем и ночью

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Она гладила меня часами

каждым пальцем

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А сейчас я сижу тут, в темноте,

и тут совсем НЕ КЛЁВО!

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Мне стоит написать книжку!!

Еще более депрессивную, чем его!

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Итак, Стивен, я сделаю вашу книжку

моим Официальным Выбором Месяца

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Серьезно?

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Ой. Теперь я стану супер олигархом

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Ага, окей.

Тогда слушай, может она будет

нашим гостем 19-го

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Хорошо, а Джон Траволта сможет

быть гостем через неделю?

00:07:25,772 --> 00:07:28,602

Хорошо, это должно сработать,

потому что это будет неделя рейтинга

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Я больше не могу

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Все, о чем она думает -

это работа, работа, работа

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Не уделяет внимания

своей старенькой вагине

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Я всегда замкнут в

этих тесных штанах

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Мне необходимо внимание!

Мне это все осточертело!

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Хватит жевать сопли!

Я пытаюсь тут заснуть

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Ой, кто это?

Это ты, Гарри?

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Да, это я. Думаешь, только тебе хреново?

Опра не обращала на меня внимания годами

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О, а Что тебе нужно? Ты же всего лишь задница.

А я вагина! Вагинам необходима стимуляция

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Жопам также необходима

стимуляция, ублюдок!

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Я хочу путешествовать.

Я хочу увидеть Париж

00:08:02,272 --> 00:08:08,812

Я думал все наладится,

но Опра всегда занята.

Работает и работает, то на диете, то нет

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Мне необходимы горы шоколадного торта

или немного свеклы

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Она трудоголик.

Давай признаем:

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единственный способ получить хоть какое-то внимание-

это чтобы Опра никогда уже не работала

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Это никогда не произойдет

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Нет, пока ее не уволят

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Уволят?

У тебя есть план, Вагинчик?

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Тот тип в сегодняшнем шоу,

которого поддерживает Опра

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Он совсем не человек.

Он полотенчик

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Ой, откуда ты узнал?

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Я вагина. Вагины сразу

узнают полотенчиков

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Если выяснится, что Оприн

автор-победитель - полотенчик

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Она будет полным посмешищем.

Поклонники отпадут Миллионами

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Как мы найдем доказательства?

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Ми найдем кого-то, кто сделает это.

Наиболее допытливого журналиста наших времен

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Мистер, Ривьера?

00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:54,432

Что такое, Дмитрий?

00:08:54,432 --> 00:08:56,452

Кто-то хочет поговорить

с вами по телефону.

00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:59,682

Он сказал, что у него есть информация,

которая может дискредитировать Опру Онфри

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Это Джеральдо

00:09:03,962 --> 00:09:08,492

Прив, Урольдо!

У меня есть для тебя инфа,

которая тебя заинтересует

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Она может сделать

посмешище из Опры Онфри

00:09:11,632 --> 00:09:12,892

А с-с кем я разговариваю?!

00:09:12,892 --> 00:09:14,932

Он хочет знать, с кем разговаривает

00:09:14,932 --> 00:09:18,302

Скажем так, я работаю

очень-очень тесно с Опрой

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Ты же хочешь увидеть,

как ее дискредитируют, разве нет?

00:09:20,712 --> 00:09:22,232

Какая информация у вас есть?

00:09:22,232 --> 00:09:23,152

Что ты сказал?

00:09:23,152 --> 00:09:25,592

Он хочет знать,

Что у нас за информация

00:09:25,592 --> 00:09:29,042

Просто скажи, что он сказал, Гарри!

Не жди, пока я спрошу тебя "Что он сказал?"!

00:09:29,042 --> 00:09:30,712

Хорош тратить мое время!

00:09:30,722 --> 00:09:32,382

Не нервируй меня, Гарри!

00:09:32,392 --> 00:09:35,552

Я не казал "Сказал хорош тратить мое время",

это Джеральдо сказал

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Что это там происходит?!

00:09:36,892 --> 00:09:40,162

Ну хорошо, Гарри, это не действует.

Давай меняться. Я буду слушать,

ты будешь говорить

00:09:42,372 --> 00:09:43,682

Алле?

00:09:43,682 --> 00:09:44,482

Кто это?

00:09:44,732 --> 00:09:45,812

Это Гарри

00:09:45,822 --> 00:09:47,562

Какой Гарри? Как фамилия?!

00:09:47,562 --> 00:09:50,302

Не называй своего имени.

Ми не хотим, чтобы кто-то узнал, где мы

00:09:50,302 --> 00:09:54,752

Хорошо, слушай. Всё, что тебе нужно знать,

Что я точно не Оприна задница

00:09:54,752 --> 00:09:56,232

Ах ты тупая скотина!!

00:09:56,232 --> 00:09:58,152

Не называй мене скотиной, Джеральдо!

00:09:58,152 --> 00:10:01,542

Он не называл тебя

"Тупой скотиной", это я сказал.

А сейчас просто скажи ему:

00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:10,682

Автор книги в клубе Опры

"Книга Месяца" - мошенник.

Он совсем не человек. Он полотенчик

00:10:10,682 --> 00:10:14,632

Полотенчик?

Полотенчик, который разговаривет?

Полная чушь

00:10:14,832 --> 00:10:17,322

Скажи ему, Что он буде удивлен вещами,

которые могут разговаривать

00:10:17,522 --> 00:10:20,172

Вас удивят вещи, которые могут разговаривать

00:10:20,172 --> 00:10:22,112

И какие доказательства этого

обвинения у вас есть?!

00:10:22,312 --> 00:10:27,222

Просто всмотритесь в автора

"Миллиона маленьких волокон",

и вы увидите правду

00:10:27,222 --> 00:10:29,232

И как я должен это сделать?

00:10:29,582 --> 00:10:31,732

Алло! Алло!

00:10:33,172 --> 00:10:35,412

Это прямой эфир Ларри Кинга

00:10:36,950 --> 00:10:39,160

Мой сегодняшний гость - Стивен МакПолотенчиков

00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:43,800

Автор популярной книги

"Миллион маленьких волокон".

Как оно, Стивен?

00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,130

Ну, Ларри, я немного под кайфом

00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:49,770

Ваша книга помогла многим

людям избавиться от вредных привычек.

Что вас заставило ее написать?

00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:53,840

Ну, Ларри, я просто...

написал мои мемуары, когда я...

00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:58,550

Что? Что это? О, видете меня, Стивен,

я так понимаю, мы имеем специальный репортаж

00:10:58,550 --> 00:11:02,240

Прямое включение из Афганистана,

Джеральдо Ривьера

00:11:03,610 --> 00:11:06,190

Ау?

Ларри, вы меня видите?

00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:08,630

Мы тут, Джеральдо.

Вы в прямом эфире Шоу

00:11:08,630 --> 00:11:15,000

Ларри, этот мужественный репортер после

нескольких недель изучений и расследований

пришел к шокирующим открытиям,

00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,480

которое разорвет на кусочки

весь литературный мир!

00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:23,680

Стивен МакПолотенчиков, автор

"Миллиона маленьких волокон" -

ПОЛОТЕНЧИК!

00:11:24,870 --> 00:11:26,140

Это ты полотенчик!

00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:28,260

Нет, ты - полотенчик

00:11:28,260 --> 00:11:30,030

Тогда, ты полотенчик-нелегал

00:11:30,030 --> 00:11:31,220

Что ты сказал??

00:11:31,220 --> 00:11:33,410

Извиняюсь, я под кайфом

00:11:33,410 --> 00:11:35,570

Похоже у нас неприятности, Опра

00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,620

Твои поклонники считают, Что ты

всезнающая и всевидящая,

00:11:38,620 --> 00:11:42,110

а ты провела 2 недели, поддерживая

обманчивого расистского полотенчика

00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,620

Мы сделали это, Гарри!

Джеральдо нашел доказательства

00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:49,270

Опра обосралась по полной!

Она должна уволиться!

00:11:49,270 --> 00:11:51,500

Это начало новой

жизни для нас, Гарри

00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:55,010

Без свого карьеризма,

Опра будет путешествовать по миру!

00:11:55,010 --> 00:11:57,120

Наслаждаться прекрасными

моментами жизни!

00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,280

Она часами будет просто...

играться со своей вагинкой!

00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,040

И с Гарри тоже

00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,580

Конечно. И с Гарри.

Мы сделали это, друг!

00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,370

Опра, нужно решить,

Что делать дальше

00:12:07,370 --> 00:12:08,330

В чем проблема??

00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:14,380

Его книжка помогла людям.

Почему это так важно, что он кое-что придумал?

Разве люди очень разозлятся?

00:12:20,450 --> 00:12:24,750

Твоя книжка помогла мне не пьянствовать!

Но я думал, что ты человек!

00:12:25,050 --> 00:12:27,790

Да, мы хотим вернуть наши

деньги, дурной полотенчик!

00:12:33,730 --> 00:12:36,820

Бог мой,

я сейчас в полной жопе

00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:39,770

Алле?

00:12:39,990 --> 00:12:43,910

Стивен, это Опра.

Вы можете снова прийти

на мое шоу завтра?

00:12:43,910 --> 00:12:44,510

Нафига?

00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:48,720

Нам необходимо сказать людям, почему вы

приукрасили некоторые факты в вашей книге

00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:54,130

Что вы считали за необходимое "приукрасить"

некоторые вещи, чтобы сделать книгу более

важной для людей

00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,200

Шаришь!

00:12:56,210 --> 00:13:03,340

Просто придите на шоу и спокойно

поясните, что приукрашивание некоторых фактов

неважно, если книга помогает людям

00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:07,620

Хорошо.

Спасибо, Опра.

Ты настоящий друг

00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,930

Увидимся завтра

00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:14,650

Так, у меня есть только один шанс.

Мне нужно сфокусироваться и

придумать, что я хочу сказать.

00:13:14,650 --> 00:13:16,440

Возможно, мне нужно

немного пыхнуть

00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:20,040

Нет! Минуточку!

Я не должен пыхать в этот раз

00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:24,980

Да ну, прекрати.

Тебе нужны идеи, что именно

ты скажешь в шоу Опры

00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:28,650

Но идеи, которые приходят мне,

когда я под кайфом, приносят

одни неприятности

00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:32,970

Да. Вот почему тебе нужен

только МАЛЕНЬКИЙ косячок

00:13:33,370 --> 00:13:36,030

Ну, возможно только

МАЛЕНЬКИЙ косячок

00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,220

Сегодня у меня в гостях

снова Стивен МакПолотенчиков

00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:47,410

чьи мемуары многие из вас приобрели

после того, как я сделала их

моим Выбором Месяца

00:13:49,850 --> 00:13:52,380

Ты слышишь это, Гарри?

Никто не апплодирует!

00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:55,500

Да! Они все в бешенстве.

Это прекрасно!

00:13:55,500 --> 00:14:00,000

Сейчас, выяснилось, что ваше

настоящее имя не Стивен,

а Полотенчик, правильно?

00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,000

Даааа

00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,400

И вы - ПОЛОТЕНЧИК

00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,400

Да, безусловно я полотенце, Опра

00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:09,110

Можете ли вы объяснить телезрителям,

почему раньше не сказали,

Что вы полотенце?

00:14:09,710 --> 00:14:15,730

Ну, Опра, я был как.. е-е...

у-у, ну типа... Это все...

00:14:15,740 --> 00:14:19,880

Может, вы считали, что преукрасить

рассказ это нормально, если

он помогает людям?

00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,010

Да! Так и есть!

00:14:22,010 --> 00:14:24,950

Знаете, что я думаю, Полотенчик?

Я думаю, что вы...

00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:26,870

БРЕХЛИВЫЙ МЕШОК ГОВНА!

00:14:28,850 --> 00:14:33,230

Вы врали всем этим людям,

и ради чего??!! Чтобы заработать денег!!

00:14:33,230 --> 00:14:36,070

Они покупали вашу книжку,

думая, что она правдивая!!

00:14:36,370 --> 00:14:37,830

- Точно!

- Да!

00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:38,950

Но вы же говорили...

00:14:38,950 --> 00:14:42,330

Как ты СМЕЛ понравиться мне и

сделать из меня посмешище?!

00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:44,400

Что это? Что они делают?

00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,560

Я не понимаю, Вагинчик!

00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,270

Ты думал, писать -

это шутки, бестолковый полотенчик!

00:14:49,270 --> 00:14:51,960

- Да да, надери ему задницу, Опра!

- АГА!

00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,130

Тебе это так не сойдет!

00:14:54,130 --> 00:14:57,790

Она возвращает всех на свою сторону!

Вот же ж хитрая сволочь!

00:14:57,790 --> 00:15:02,030

Ты врал мне, Полотенчик!

А значит ты врал и Америке!

00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:04,810

Ми соберемся против тебя!

00:15:06,370 --> 00:15:10,230

Эта публика готова к доброму

старому линчеванию?!

00:15:10,230 --> 00:15:11,690

ДАА!!!

00:15:11,890 --> 00:15:12,780

Что?

00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:17,900

Публика, если вы загляните

под свои стулья, то найдете

там свои факелы!

00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:23,910

Вгинчик, это означает, что

Париж отменяется?

00:15:23,910 --> 00:15:26,920

Не будет никакого Парижа!

Разве ты не понимаешь, Гарри?!

00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,590

Эта жирная корова повернула

всех на свою сторону!

00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:32,960

Теперь она будет работать еще больше!

Наш план провалился!

00:15:33,070 --> 00:15:33,770

Нет!

00:15:33,770 --> 00:15:37,690

Мы дадим тебе 5-секундную фору.

Один. Два

00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:39,990

Схватить его!

00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:43,790

Сожгите его!

Сожгите полотенчик!

00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:46,290

Сожгите того, кто врет Опре!

00:15:57,220 --> 00:16:02,200

Похоже, твое время настало, Полотенчик!

Я вела моих поклонников прямо за тобой!

00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,200

Давай, Опра!

00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:10,010

Я показала моим поклонникам, Что...

у-у! Ой! ЧТО за?

00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,670

Ну все! Все назад!

НАЗАД Я СКАЗАЛ!

00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:21,010

Что это, черт побери?

00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:23,230

Не двигайтесь -

и никто не пострадает!

00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:25,370

Вагинчик, что ты делаешь?

00:16:25,370 --> 00:16:27,720

Убирайся отсюда, Гарри!

Чего бы это не стоило!

00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,270

Что происходит??!!

00:16:31,270 --> 00:16:35,860

Заткнись! Закрой рот,

никчёмная старая корова,

или я вышибу твои мозги!

00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:40,520

Мене нужен вертолет! У вас есть?!

И реактивный самолет в аэропорту!

00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,160

Вагинчик, у тебя крыша поехала?

00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,350

Прекрати, Гарри!

Ты всегда говорил, что

хочешь увидеть Париж!

00:16:46,450 --> 00:16:49,970

Но не так, Вагинчик.

НЕ ТАК!

00:16:49,980 --> 00:16:53,090

Ну все, концерт закончился.

Брось оружие!

00:16:53,090 --> 00:16:54,380

Назад, приятель!

00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:55,810

Брось оружие и выйди!

00:16:55,810 --> 00:16:57,340

Я тебя предупредил!

00:16:57,340 --> 00:16:58,980

Брось ее, я сказал...

00:17:01,670 --> 00:17:05,940

Господи, Вагинчик!

Ты убил его! Ты застрелил

его насмерть!

00:17:06,140 --> 00:17:07,970

Теперь пути назад нет, Гарри

00:17:07,970 --> 00:17:10,640

О Боже, меня сейчас стошнит...

00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:11,990

Держи себя в руках, Гарри

00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:15,100

Я не могу...

Я сейчас блевону!

00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:22,510

О, Гарик, это ужасно воняет!

Теперь мене вывернет... бу-е-е-е

00:17:25,230 --> 00:17:27,200

Попробуй сбежать и я

застрелю тебя тоже!

00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,560

Вы – заложники и никуда не пойдете,

пока мы не получим, что требуем!

00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,520

Боже мой, что нам делать?

00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,800

Ты нас впутал в это, полотенце.

Придумай что-то!

00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,180

Хорошо, тогда я немного пыхну

00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,290

Нет! Я не буду пыхать!

00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:45,600

Каждый раз после косячка у мене

появляются идеи, которые приносят

еще большие проблемы

00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,920

Я не буду пыхать в это раз!

00:17:54,053 --> 00:17:57,443

Я стою в бизнес части

центрального Чикаго,

00:17:57,443 --> 00:18:02,213

где вагина Опры убила офицера полиции и

взяла нескольких людей в заложники

00:18:02,293 --> 00:18:07,033

Это еще не подтверждено, но вероятно

задница Опры также является соучастником

00:18:10,113 --> 00:18:11,763

Вот рация, которую вы просили

00:18:11,763 --> 00:18:13,183

Положи это подо мною

00:18:14,053 --> 00:18:15,903

Медленнее, приятель, медленнее!

00:18:16,943 --> 00:18:18,093

Теперь отступай

00:18:19,883 --> 00:18:22,043

Хорошо, Гарик, нажми кнопку

00:18:22,243 --> 00:18:23,643

Это вагина Опры!

00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:26,573

Привет, я лейтенант Нельсон.

Какие ваши требования?

00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:30,913

Мне нужен вертолет,

и реактивный самолет в аэропорту,

который заберет нас во Францию!

00:18:30,913 --> 00:18:33,073

Плюс нам необходимы свежие

трусики немедленно!

00:18:33,073 --> 00:18:36,213

Хорошо, как на счет свежей одежды

для одного из заложников?

00:18:36,213 --> 00:18:40,093

Я не играю с тобой в игры, приятель!

Гарик тонет в собственной блевоте!

00:18:40,093 --> 00:18:42,753

Хорошо, мы работаем над этим.

Не делайте никаких глупостей

00:18:42,753 --> 00:18:46,113

У нас нет времени.

Это наиболее нестабильная вагина,

с которой мне приходилось разговаривать

00:18:46,113 --> 00:18:47,313

О'Рейли, ты видишь мишень?

00:18:47,313 --> 00:18:48,553

Он на прицеле!

00:18:50,143 --> 00:18:52,883

Заложники слишком близко!

Это очень рискованно!

00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:56,833

Эй, просто положи оружие, Вагинчик.

Возможно, они будут помягче с нами

00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:59,593

Не тупи, Гарри!

Я замочил полицейского

00:18:59,593 --> 00:19:02,593

Мне – электрический стул,

а тебя посадят до конца твох дней

00:19:02,593 --> 00:19:05,383

Эй, Вагинчик, мне так стремно!

00:19:05,383 --> 00:19:07,603

Мы выберемся отсюда, приятель

Доверься мне

00:19:07,603 --> 00:19:11,253

Вагина Опры,

это последнее предупреждение!

Брось оружие!

00:19:11,463 --> 00:19:14,323

Если вертолета не будет через 2 минуты,

я убью заложника!

00:19:15,243 --> 00:19:17,083

Эй, погодите минутку...

00:19:28,933 --> 00:19:32,163

Я не шучу!

Заложники будут умирать,

если вы не послушаете!

00:19:34,553 --> 00:19:35,973

Заложники свободны

00:19:35,973 --> 00:19:38,043

Ну все, уберите его!

00:19:39,573 --> 00:19:42,893

Что за? Ха-ха!

Не попали, вы гребанные пидарасы!

00:19:42,903 --> 00:19:45,373

Видишь, Гарри? Они даже

не могут прицелиться

00:19:46,113 --> 00:19:48,653

Ваги... Вагинчик

00:19:48,653 --> 00:19:49,853

Гарри, Что...

Что не так?

00:19:49,853 --> 00:19:51,533

Они достали меня, Вагинчик

00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,643

Нет... О, нет

00:19:53,643 --> 00:19:58,043

Ай. Мне так плохо.

О, кровь

00:19:58,043 --> 00:19:59,633

Держись, Гарик!

00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:01,723

Становится темно, Вагинчик

00:20:01,723 --> 00:20:04,383

О, Гарри!

Куда я тебя втянул?

00:20:04,383 --> 00:20:07,263

Вся моя жизнь пробегает перед глазами

00:20:08,343 --> 00:20:09,283

Вагинчик!

00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,293

Я тут, Гарри!

00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:14,643

Где... де мы, Вагинчик?

Это Париж?

00:20:14,643 --> 00:20:17,993

Да.

Да, мы в Париже, друг

00:20:17,993 --> 00:20:21,023

Ах... он такой прекрасный,

как я и ожидал?

00:20:21,023 --> 00:20:23,933

Он красивый.

Мы наконец-то сделали это

00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:25,783

Скажи, что ты видишь, Вагинчик

00:20:25,783 --> 00:20:29,413

Ну, там... Эйфелева башня

прямо перед нами

00:20:29,423 --> 00:20:33,913

Лувр, сзади тебя.

И с-свежие багеты всюду

00:20:33,923 --> 00:20:37,043

Ах... я чувствую из запах, Вагинчик

00:20:37,543 --> 00:20:41,503

По крайней мере я увидел Париж

до того, как я...

00:20:44,023 --> 00:20:46,443

Гарри? Гарри, скажи что-то!

00:20:48,023 --> 00:20:52,223

Вы убили его, ублюдки!

Он даже не принимал в этом учатия!

00:20:52,223 --> 00:20:57,953

Это все твоя вина, жирная корова!

Ты никогда не уделяла время свому

старому Гарри и теперь он ушел!

00:20:57,953 --> 00:21:05,193

Жизнь не имеет смысла! Зачем??! ...

Я иду тебе на встречу, Гарри!

Я иду к тебе

00:21:05,193 --> 00:21:06,993

Нет, не нужно!

00:21:16,593 --> 00:21:21,643

С Опрой все будет в порядке.

Хотел бы я сказать тоже самое

ее вагине и заднице

00:21:21,943 --> 00:21:25,253

Это была прекрасная идея завести

заложников в банк

00:21:25,263 --> 00:21:28,703

Да, действительно прекрасная.

Извини, что раньше хотели

сжечь тебя и убить

00:21:28,703 --> 00:21:32,413

Да ну, все нормально.

Это все была моя вина

00:21:32,413 --> 00:21:37,293

Я понял,

Что не стоит пыхать,

Чтобы найти идеи

00:21:37,593 --> 00:21:41,853

Я сначала должен найти идеи,

а уже потом пыхать -

Чтобы наградить себя

00:21:42,453 --> 00:21:44,243

Ты заслужил это!

00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,723

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,391

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,602

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,312

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:21,647

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:25,151

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:28,154

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:32,992

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,372

Hi.

Welcome to P.F. Chang's.

00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,417

How spicy would you like me

to make your Chang Sauce?

00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,211

Chris, the people at table 3

need their check.

00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:45,755

I know.

I'm swamped!

00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,382

- I've got no help here!

- What about the new waiter?

00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,301

The new waiter is useless.

00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,261

And I think he's high.

00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:56,682

How spicy would you like

your Chang Sauce?

00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,392

Can we just place our order,

please?

00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:01,812

Oh, man.

I have no idea what's going on.

00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,022

Everything okay here?

00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:04,648

Fine, except this towel

00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:07,109

has been mixing Chang Sauce

for 15 minutes.

00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,152

He's clueless.

00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,945

Don't call m e shoeless!

00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,363

You're shoeless!

00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,656

Yeah.

Well, you're a towel.

00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:13,741

You're a towel!

00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:16,368

All right. That's it.

Get out of here. You're fired!

00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:17,286

Yeah!

00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,080

Not him, you!

00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,414

Aww.

00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:25,419

Oh, man.

I really screwed up this time.

00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,338

The rent's due

at the end of the month,

00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,923

and I don't have any money!

00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:32,384

I need to shape up

and find a new job quick!

00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:36,555

But first maybe I'll get

a little high.

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,645

Wait.

Here it comes.

00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,563

A good idea is coming.

00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:46,524

Yeah.

Hey, yeah!

00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,275

I should become a writer!

00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,654

If I just write a book about

my life, I can get it published

00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:54,740

and then make plenty of money

to pay rent!

00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:59,370

I'll bet people can't wait

to read my memoirs.

00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:03,874

"A Million...Little Fibers."

00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:08,129

"By Toweleeeie."

00:02:08,254 --> 00:02:11,632

This is a really good idea.

00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,137

Uh-huh.

00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:19,014

Mm.

00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:22,643

Yes.

Yes, I see.

00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,770

Well, that's quite

a fascinating story --

00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,814

you being engineered as a towel

00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:29,733

with a computer chip

that determines dryness.

00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:31,819

Yep.

And it's all true!

00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,737

Chapters 4 through 8, however,

00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:37,074

seem to all be about

Doritos brand corn chips.

00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:40,619

I guess I could edit

those chapters down some.

00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:41,704

Don't bother.

00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:42,955

I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,

00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,041

but nobody is ever going to

publish your memoirs.

00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,835

Huh?!

Why not?

00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,753

Well, just the small,

trivial fact

00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:53,841

that people aren't interested

in autobiographies of towels.

00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:56,886

Well, yeah, but maybe people

will read my memoirs

00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,847

and, like, apply its lessons

to their own lives.

00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,640

No, they won't.

00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,309

Because they're people.

00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:04,894

And you're a towel.

00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,687

You're a towel.

00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,647

No, I'm a big book publisher

00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,191

who's not the least bit

interested

00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,026

in your stony memoirs.

00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,986

You're a towel.

00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,866

Now what am I gonna do?

00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:19,992

I got to pay rent,

00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,412

and I just wasted three weeks

writing my memoirs.

00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,916

It's time for me to stop being

so irresponsible.

00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,959

I've got to shape up, focus,

00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,587

and come up with real solutions

to my problems.

00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,839

I'd better get a little high.

00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:36,008

Oh, maybe I shouldn't.

00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,427

But you have to think

of something fast,

00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,930

and getting high

makes you smart.

00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:41,931

All right.

00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,642

I'll just use

my special getting-high powers

00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,186

one more time.

00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,776

Hey.

Hey, wait a minute!

00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,527

Of course!

That's it!

00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:58,405

Why didn't I think of it

before?!

00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:06,914

"All my life I've been

a pretty irresponsible towel."

00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,124

"Person."

00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,378

"I thought I was somehow

stronger and more immune

00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:14,380

than other towels."

00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:17,049

"People."

00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:20,970

This is a really good idea.

00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,098

Oh.

00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,766

Oh, my God.

00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:29,061

I cannot believe a human being

has led this kind of life,

00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,104

Mister...

00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:33,524

McTowelie.

Steven McTowelie.

00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:35,901

It's heartbreaking passages

like this one --

00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:39,113

"I am a person who often

gets hung out to dry

00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,531

by all those around me."

00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,284

I know this company would be

honored to publish this book.

00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:45,953

I just have one small question

first.

00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,872

You're not...a towel, are you?

00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:51,250

No.

00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:52,418

If I was a towel,

00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:56,005

why would I be wearing this hat

and this fake mustache?

00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,298

Right.

I'm sorry.

00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:58,924

Well, Steven,

if it's all right with you,

00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:01,135

I'm going to get our agents

and lawyers on the phone.

00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,386

We're in business, sir.

00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,346

All right!

00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:11,687

Thank you so much!

00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,690

Once in a while,

I come across a book

00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:20,487

that is so honest and so moving

that it changes my life.

00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:23,949

"A Million Little Fibers"

is the true story

00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,411

of a man who was born

in a laboratory.

00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:31,373

Please welcome author

Steven McTowelie!

00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:38,464

Steven, when I read your book,

I thought to myself,

00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:41,884

"How can a human being

go through all this

00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,303

and still turn out okay?"

00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:47,139

Well, I guess I'm just

an extra-special tow--

00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:48,682

person!

00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,476

You talk in your book

how you would sometimes

00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,728

have to spend days

hung up on a rack.

00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,980

What would that do to you

emotionally?

00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:58,317

You have been through so much,

00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,944

and I think that people

all over America...

00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,322

Oh, God. There she goes again.

00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,991

Babbling about people's lives

and carrying on.

00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,869

She hasn't paid any attention

to m e in years!

00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:12,122

A life that kept getting up

whenever it was down...

00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,666

Nobody knows what it's

like to be Oprah's minge.

00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,251

All she does is work.

00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,879

Never gives her ol' minge

a nice rub now and again.

00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,589

A minge needs attention!

00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,758

At least a scratch

once in a while!

00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,427

Well, Steven, your book hasn't

sold a lot of copies yet,

00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,013

but I have some pretty exciting

news for you.

00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,056

Used to be a time

00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,974

when Oprah would play with me

night and day.

00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,685

She'd pet me for hours,

using every finger.

00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:36,271

But now I just sit here...

in the dark.

00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,107

Not even so much as a pinkie.

00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,733

I should write a book.

00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,527

It'd be much more depressing

than his.

00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,821

And so, Steven,

I am making your book

00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:47,408

my official

"Book of the Month" selection!

00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,743

Really?

00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:53,455

Wow!

I'm gonna get super-rich now!

00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,314

Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, listen.

00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,733

Maybe we can get her in

as a guest on the 19th.

00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,444

Is John Travolta available

00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,529

to be a guest

the week after that?

00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,240

Okay. That might work better

since it's sweeps week.

00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,783

Can't take it anymore.

00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,202

All she ever does

is work, work, work.

00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,246

Never pays attention

to the ol' minge.

00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,999

I'm always trapped

in these stuffy pantsuits.

00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,208

I want attention.

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,293

I'm bloody bored!

00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,253

Oh, stop your complainin'!

00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,088

I'm trying to sleep back here!

00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,048

Oi, who's that?

Is that you, Gary?

00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,508

Yes, it's me.

00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,010

You think you got it bad?

00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,846

Oprah hasn't paid any attention

to me in years.

00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,640

Oh, what do you care?

You're just an asshole.

00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,560

I'm a minge!

Minges need stimulation!

00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,271

Assholes need stimulation,

too, you bastard.

00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,940

I want to travel.

I want to see Paris.

00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,067

I thought life

was going to get better.

00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,777

But Oprah's always busy.

00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,447

Working and working,

dieting and not dieting.

00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,657

I'm either puking up mounds

of chocolate cake

00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,201

or teaspoons of wheat grass.

00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:13,869

She's a workaholic.

00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:14,870

Let's face it --

00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,538

The only way we're gonna get

any attention

00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,373

is if Oprah doesn't work

anymore.

00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:19,791

Well, that will never happen.

00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,543

Not unless she gets fired.

00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,254

Fired?

You got a plan, Mingie?

00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,256

That bloke on the show today,

00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:30,135

the one Oprah supported --

He isn't a bloke at all.

00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,553

He's a towel.

00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,180

Oh. How do you know?

00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,306

I'm a minge.

00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,141

Minges know a towel

when they hear one.

00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,226

If evidence gets out

00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,478

that Oprah's champion author

is a towel,

00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:41,396

she'll look right foolish.

00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,732

Fans will start dropping off

by the millions.

00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150

How do we get proof?

00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,069

We get somebody else to do it.

00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,030

The greatest investigative

reporter of our time.

00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:52,991

Mr. Rivera?

00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,243

What is it, Dmitri?

00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,203

There's somebody on the phone

to speak with you.

00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,663

He says he has inside

information for you

00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,331

that may discredit

Oprah Winfrey.

00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,086

This is Geraldo.

00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,337

Hello, Geraldo.

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,340

I've got some information for

you you might find interesting.

00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:11,260

It could make Oprah Winfrey look

quite foolish.

00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,553

Who am I speaking with?

00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,721

He wants to know

who he's speaking with.

00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,975

Let's just say I work

very closely with Oprah.

00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,227

You'd like to see her

discredited, wouldn't you?

00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:21,895

What information do you have?

00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,021

What'd he say?

00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,357

He wants to know

what information we have.

00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,775

Just tell me what he says, Gary.

00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,527

Don't wait for me to ask you,

"What'd he say?"

00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,237

Stop wasting my time.

00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,072

Don't get snooty with me, Gary!

00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,032

I didn't say,

"Stop wasting my time."

00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,075

Geraldo did!

00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,493

What is going on here?

00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,828

All right, Gary.

This isn't working.

00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,746

Let's switch.

I'll listen and you talk.

00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,251

- Hello?

- Who is this?

00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:45,460

T-This is Gary.

00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,129

Gary who?

What is your last name?

00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,714

Don't give away your name.

00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:50,007

We don't want him knowing

who we are.

00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,008

All right. Look.

00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:54,428

All you need to know is I'm

definitely not Oprah's asshole.

00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:55,762

Oh, you stupid twit!

00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,723

Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!

00:09:57,848 --> 00:09:59,891

He didn't call you

a stupid twit. I did!

00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:02,227

Now, just tell him this.

00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,897

The writer of the book on

Oprah's "Book of the Month" club

00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,107

is a phony.

00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,734

He's not a person at all.

00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,402

He's a towel.

00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,946

A towel?

A talking towel?

00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,489

That doesn't make any sense.

00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,949

Tell him he'd be surprised

00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:16,992

the things that can talk.

00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,661

You'd be surprised

the things that can talk.

00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:22,080

What proof do have

of this accusation?

00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,958

Just look into the author

of "A Million Little Fibers,"

00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,793

and you'll discover the truth.

00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,211

And how do I go about that?

00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,965

Hello?

Hello?!

00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,927

This is "Larry King Live."

00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,764

My guest tonight

is Steven McTowelie,

00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,433

author of the acclaimed book

"A Million Little Fibers."

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,101

How are you tonight, Steven?

00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,771

Well, Larry, I'm a little high.

00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:48,190

Your book has helped

a lot of people beat addiction.

00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,399

What made you write it?

00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:53,153

Well, Larry, I was really just

writing down my memoirs as a --

00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,947

What? What's that?

Oh, excuse me, Steven.

00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:58,116

I understand that we have

a special report coming in.

00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,077

Joining us live

from Afghanistan,

00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,703

here is Geraldo Rivera.

00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,791

Hello?

Larry, are you receiving me?

00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:08,126

We're here, Geraldo.

You're live on the show.

00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,545

Larry, this brave reporter

has spent days

00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,172

investigating and researching,

00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,424

and I have come up with

a shocking discovery

00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:18,095

that is going to rock the balls

and ass of the literary world.

00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,640

Steven McTowelie, author

of "A Million Little Fibers"...

00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,309

is a to we I.

00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,686

You're a towel!

00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,896

No, you're a towel.

00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,606

Well, you're a beaner towel.

00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,899

What did you say?

00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,610

I'm sorry.

I'm high.

00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,070

This looks pretty bad, Oprah.

00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,365

Your fans look to you to be

all-knowing and all-seeing,

00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,616

and you've just spent two weeks

00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,244

supporting a lying,

racist towel.

00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,205

He did it, Gary!

Geraldo got the proof!

00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,290

Oprah's got egg all over face!

00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:48,834

She'll have to retire!

00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,002

It's the beginning

of a new life for us, Gar.

00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,713

Without her career

to worry about,

00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:54,840

Oprah's sure to travel

the world,

00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,800

enjoy the finer things in life.

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,970

She'll spend hours just playing

with her ol' minge.

00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,513

And her Gary, too?

00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,098

Sure, and her Gary.

00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,349

We did it, mate!

00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,727

Oprah, we need to figure out

what we're going to do!

00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,312

What's the big deal?

His book helped people.

00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,565

Why does it matter

that he made some stuff up?

00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,025

Are people really going to be

that mad?

00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,242

Your book got me to give up

alcohol!

00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,369

But I thought you were a person!

00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,122

Yeah, we want our money back,

you dumb towel!

00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,500

No insultar Mexicanos, olé!

00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,044

No insultar Mexicanos, olé!

00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:36,465

Oh, God.

I'm really in trouble now.

00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,634

Hello?

00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,094

Steven, it's Oprah.

00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,513

Can you come on my show

again tomorrow?

00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,306

Why?

00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,183

We need to tell the audience

00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:48,310

why you changed some

of the facts in your book,

00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,146

that you thought it necessary

to heighten certain things

00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,982

to make the book more relevant

to people.

00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,151

Hey, yeah.

00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,194

Just come on the show

00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,112

and explain

in a very level-headed way

00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,947

that changing some facts

shouldn't matter

00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,074

if the book helps people, okay?

00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,242

Okay!

00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,287

Thanks, Oprah.

You're a real friend.

00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,705

See you tomorrow!

00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,333

All right.

I've got one chance here.

00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,252

I need to focus and come up

with what I'm gonna say.

00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,505

Maybe I should get

a little high.

00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,839

No.

Wait a minute!

00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,633

I'm not gonna get high

this time.

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:21,218

Aw, come on.

00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:24,554

You need to come up with ideas

of what to say on "Oprah."

00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,807

But the ideas I come up with

when I'm high

00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,475

keep getting me in trouble.

00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,771

Yeah, that's why you should

only get a little high.

00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:36,274

Well, maybe just a little high.

00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,948

Today, my guest is once again

Steven McTowelie,

00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,699

whose memoirs

many of you purchased

00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,160

after I made it my

"Book of the Month" selection!

00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,790

You hear that, Gary?

Nobody's applaudin'!

00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,834

Yeah.

They're all right pissed off!

00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,126

This is great!

00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:58,088

Now, it turns out that your name

isn't really Steven.

00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,631

It's Towelie, correct?

00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,715

Yeah.

00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,300

And you a re a towel.

00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,886

Yes, I'm pretty much a towel,

Oprah.

00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,555

Can you explain to the audience

00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,974

why you said

you weren't a towel before?

00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,143

Well, Oprah, I was all, like...

00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,313

Um...w-well, they're all like...

It's like...

00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,399

Was it that you thought

embellishing the story

00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,860

was okay if it helped people?

00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:21,570

Yeah!

Yeah, that's it!

00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,154

Well, you know what I think,

Towelie?

00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,950

I think you're a lying sack

shit.

00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,371

You lied to all these people,

and for what?

00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,081

To make money!

00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,792

They bought your book

thinking it was true!

00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,335

- Yeah! That's right!

- Yeah.

00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,545

But I thought you said --

00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:42,048

How dare you lie to me

and make me look foolish?

00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,384

What's this?

What's she doin'?!

00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,177

I don't understand, Mingie!

00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,930

You think writing is a joke,

you stupid towel!

00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,432

Yeah.

You -- You get him, Oprah!

00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,683

Yeah!

00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,602

You will not get away with this.

00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,770

She's getting everyone

back on her side!

00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,439

Oh, the clever cow!

00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,107

You lied to me, Towelie,

00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,735

and therefore,

you have lied to America.

00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,362

We are going to rise up

against you!

00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,780

Yeah!

00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:09,743

Is this audience ready for

a good old-fashioned lynching?

00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,369

Yeah!

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,287

Huh?!

00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,247

Audience, if you look

under your seats,

00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:17,667

you'll find

your very own torches!

00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,548

Minge! Does this mean

I have to wait to see Paris?

00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,300

There's not gonna be any Paris.

00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,968

Don't you get it, Gary?

00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,262

The fat cow got everyone

on her side again!

00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,097

She'll be working

more than ever now!

00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,350

- Our plan is ruined!

- No!

00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:35,977

We'll give you

a five-second head start!

00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,312

One, two!

00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,313

Aah!

00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,522

Let's get him!

00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,816

Burn him!

00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,276

Burn the towel!

00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,279

Burn that which lies to Oprah!

00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,917

Looks like your time is up,

Towelie!

00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,753

I've lead my adoring fans

right to you!

00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,714

- All right, Oprah!

- Yeah!

00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,925

I've shown my fans that --

00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,302

Ugh! Ow! Wha--

00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,056

All right! Everyone back!

00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,224

Get back, I said!

00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,522

What the hell is this?

00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,816

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,901

Mingie! What are you doing?

00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,404

We're getting out of

here, Gary, one way or another!

00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,782

What is going on?

00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,368

Shut up!

Shut up, you miserable old cow!

00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,578

Or so help me,

I'll blow your brains out!

00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,998

I want a chopper --

you got that? --

00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,041

and a jet waiting

at the airport!

00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,794

Mingie, have you lost your mind?

00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,004

Come on, Gary.

00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,131

You said you always

wanted to see Paris.

00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:49,884

Not like this, Mingie.

Not like this!

00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,428

All right.

The gig is up.

00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,804

Just put down the gun.

00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,014

Stay back, mate!

00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,598

Drop the gun and step away.

00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:56,933

I'm warning you!

00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,643

Put it down, I said!

00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,024

Jesus, Minge! You killed him!

00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,900

You shot him dead!

00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,485

No turning back now, Gary.

00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,363

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna be sick!

00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,614

Keep your head, Gary!

00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,701

I can't. I'm gonna puke!

00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,913

Oh, Gary, that smells awful.

00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,457

Now I'm gonna throw up!

00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:26,880

Try to leave,

and I'll shoot you, too!

00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,715

You hostages aren't going

anywhere

00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,175

until we get what we want!

00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,135

Oh, my God.

What are we gonna do?

00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,846

You got us into this, towel.

Think of something!

00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,098

All right.

I'm gonna get a little high.

00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,935

No!

No, I'm not gonna get high!

00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,520

Every time I get high,

00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,273

I come up with ideas

that get me in more trouble.

00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,692

I'm not getting high this time!

00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,202

I'm standing in the business

district of central Chicago,

00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,954

where Oprah's vagina

has killed a police officer

00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,207

and taken several people

hostage.

00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,792

It is yet unconfirmed

but believed

00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:07,170

that Oprah's asshole may be

an accomplice in this as well.

00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,549

We got the walkie-talkie

you asked for.

00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,760

Put it underneath me.

00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,429

Slowly, mate!

Slowly!

00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,764

Now back off.

00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,476

All right, Gary.

Squeeze the walkie button.

00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,603

This is Oprah's minge.

00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:26,272

Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson.

What are your demands?

00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,317

I want a chopper

and a jet waiting at the airport

00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,652

to take us to France.

00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,612

Plus, we need some

fresh knickers right away.

00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,990

All right. How about fresh

underwear for one hostage?

00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,826

I'm not playing games

with you, mate!

00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,786

Gary's drownin' in his own sick!

00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,497

All right. We'll work on it.

Don't do anything foolish.

00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,498

We don't have any time.

00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,750

This is the most unstable vagina

I've ever talked to.

00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,127

O'Reilly, you got a shot?

00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,294

I got it.

00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,506

Not with those hostages

so close!

00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,549

It's too risky!

00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,676

Just put down the gun, Mingie.

00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,636

Maybe they'll go easy on us.

00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,347

Don't be stupid, Gary.

I've killed a policeman.

00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,142

They'll fry me

and lock you up for life.

00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,978

Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!

00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,271

We're gonna get out

of here, mate.

00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,355

Just leave it to me.

00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,607

Oprah's vagina,

this is your last warning.

00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,109

Put down the gun.

00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:12,944

If that chopper

isn't here in two minutes,

00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,904

I'm killing a hostage!

00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,573

Hey.

Wait a minute.

00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,375

Psst!

00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,252

I mean it!

00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,754

Hostages are gonna start dyin'

if you don't listen!

00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,592

Hostages are clear!

00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,385

All right. That's it.

Take it out.

00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:38,928

Aah!

00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,680

What the...

00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,640

You missed me,

you stupid buggers!

00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:45,310

You see that, Gary?

They can't even aim!

00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:48,146

Min-- Mingie?

00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,689

Gary, what's -- what's wrong?

00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,024

They got me, Mingie.

00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,193

No. Oh, no!

00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,154

Oh. They got me bad.

00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,780

Oh, the blood!

00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,282

Try to hang on, Gar!

00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,201

It's gettin' dark, Minge.

00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,204

Oh, Gary.

What have I got you into?

00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:07,457

I'm seeing my life

flash before me eyes.

00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:08,917

Mingie?!

00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,043

I'm here, Gar!

00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:12,545

Where -- Where are we, Mingie?

00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,380

Are we in Paris?

00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,592

Yeah.

Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.

00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,720

Is it as wonderful as I hoped?

00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,096

I-It's beautiful.

00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,514

We finally made it.

00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,516

Tell me what you see, Mingie.

00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:29,103

Well, there's the Eiffel

Tower right in front of us,

00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,231

the Louvre right over there

behind you,

00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,566

and fresh baguettes all around!

00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:37,362

Ah.

I can smell 'em, Mingie.

00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:40,949

At least I got to see Paris

before I...

00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,661

Gary?

00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,162

Gary, say something!

00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,999

You killed him, you bastards!

00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,960

He didn't even want any part

in this!

00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,295

This all your fault,

you stupid cow!

00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:58,216

You never gave your ol' Gary the

time of day, and now he's gone!

00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,093

Life ain't worth living anymore.

00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:01,719

What's the use?!

00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,680

I'm coming to see you, Gary!

00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:04,931

I'm coming to see you!

00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:06,724

No!

Don't!

00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,236

Oprah's going to be okay.

00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:21,531

Wish I could say the same

for her vagina and asshole.

00:21:21,656 --> 00:21:22,991

That's a great idea you had

00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,993

to sneak the hostages

inside the bank.

00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:26,160

Yeah, it sure was.

00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,663

We're sorry we tried to burn you

and murder you before.

00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,123

Oh, that's okay.

00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:32,208

This whole thing was my fault.

00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:37,797

I learned that I shouldn't

get high to come up with ideas.

00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,215

I should come up with ideas

00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,676

and then get high

to reward myself.

00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,137

You said it!

00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,723

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,391

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,602

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,312

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:21,647

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:25,151

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:28,154

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:32,992

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,372

Hi.

Welcome to P.F. Chang's.

00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,417

How spicy would you like me

to make your Chang Sauce?

00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,211

Chris, the people at table 3

need their check.

00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:45,755

I know.

I'm swamped!

00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,382

- I've got no help here!

- What about the new waiter?

00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,301

The new waiter is useless.

00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,261

And I think he's high.

00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:56,682

How spicy would you like

your Chang Sauce?

00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,392

Can we just place our order,

please?

00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:01,812

Oh, man.

I have no idea what's going on.

00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,022

Everything okay here?

00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:04,648

Fine, except this towel

00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:07,109

has been mixing Chang Sauce

for 15 minutes.

00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,152

He's clueless.

00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,945

Don't call m e shoeless!

00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,363

You're shoeless!

00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,656

Yeah.

Well, you're a towel.

00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:13,741

You're a towel!

00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:16,368

All right. That's it.

Get out of here. You're fired!

00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:17,286

Yeah!

00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:19,080

Not him, you!

00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,414

Aww.

00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:22,249

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:25,419

Oh, man.

I really screwed up this time.

00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,338

The rent's due

at the end of the month,

00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,923

and I don't have any money!

00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:32,384

I need to shape up

and find a new job quick!

00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:36,555

But first maybe I'll get

a little high.

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,645

Wait.

Here it comes.

00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,563

A good idea is coming.

00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:46,524

Yeah.

Hey, yeah!

00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,275

I should become a writer!

00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,654

If I just write a book about

my life, I can get it published

00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:54,740

and then make plenty of money

to pay rent!

00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:59,370

I'll bet people can't wait

to read my memoirs.

00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:03,874

"A Million...Little Fibers."

00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:08,129

"By Toweleeeie."

00:02:08,254 --> 00:02:11,632

This is a really good idea.

00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,137

Uh-huh.

00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:19,014

Mm.

00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:22,643

Yes.

Yes, I see.

00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,770

Well, that's quite

a fascinating story --

00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,814

you being engineered as a towel

00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:29,733

with a computer chip

that determines dryness.

00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:31,819

Yep.

And it's all true!

00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,737

Chapters 4 through 8, however,

00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:37,074

seem to all be about

Doritos brand corn chips.

00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:40,619

I guess I could edit

those chapters down some.

00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:41,704

Don't bother.

00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:42,955

I'm sorry to tell you this, sir,

00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,041

but nobody is ever going to

publish your memoirs.

00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,835

Huh?!

Why not?

00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,753

Well, just the small,

trivial fact

00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:53,841

that people aren't interested

in autobiographies of towels.

00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:56,886

Well, yeah, but maybe people

will read my memoirs

00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,847

and, like, apply its lessons

to their own lives.

00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,640

No, they won't.

00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,309

Because they're people.

00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:04,894

And you're a towel.

00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,687

You're a towel.

00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,647

No, I'm a big book publisher

00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,191

who's not the least bit

interested

00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,026

in your stony memoirs.

00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,986

You're a towel.

00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:17,281

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,866

Now what am I gonna do?

00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:19,992

I got to pay rent,

00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,412

and I just wasted three weeks

writing my memoirs.

00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,916

It's time for me to stop being

so irresponsible.

00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,959

I've got to shape up, focus,

00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,587

and come up with real solutions

to my problems.

00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,839

I'd better get a little high.

00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:36,008

Oh, maybe I shouldn't.

00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,427

But you have to think

of something fast,

00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,930

and getting high

makes you smart.

00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:41,931

All right.

00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,642

I'll just use

my special getting-high powers

00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,186

one more time.

00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,776

Hey.

Hey, wait a minute!

00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,527

Of course!

That's it!

00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:58,405

Why didn't I think of it

before?!

00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:06,914

"All my life I've been

a pretty irresponsible towel."

00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,124

"Person."

00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,378

"I thought I was somehow

stronger and more immune

00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:14,380

than other towels."

00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:17,049

"People."

00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:20,970

This is a really good idea.

00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,098

Oh.

00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,766

Oh, my God.

00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:29,061

I cannot believe a human being

has led this kind of life,

00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,104

Mister...

00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:33,524

McTowelie.

Steven McTowelie.

00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:35,901

It's heartbreaking passages

like this one --

00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:39,113

"I am a person who often

gets hung out to dry

00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,531

by all those around me."

00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,284

I know this company would be

honored to publish this book.

00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:45,953

I just have one small question

first.

00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,872

You're not...a towel, are you?

00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:51,250

No.

00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:52,418

If I was a towel,

00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:56,005

why would I be wearing this hat

and this fake mustache?

00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,298

Right.

I'm sorry.

00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:58,924

Well, Steven,

if it's all right with you,

00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:01,135

I'm going to get our agents

and lawyers on the phone.

00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:02,386

We're in business, sir.

00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,346

All right!

00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:08,309

[ Up-tempo music plays,

crowd cheering ]

00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:11,687

Thank you so much!

00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,690

Once in a while,

I come across a book

00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:20,487

that is so honest and so moving

that it changes my life.

00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:23,949

"A Million Little Fibers"

is the true story

00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:27,411

of a man who was born

in a laboratory.

00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:31,373

Please welcome author

Steven McTowelie!

00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,959

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:38,464

Steven, when I read your book,

I thought to myself,

00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:41,884

"How can a human being

go through all this

00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,303

and still turn out okay?"

00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:47,139

Well, I guess I'm just

an extra-special tow--

00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:48,682

person!

00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,476

You talk in your book

how you would sometimes

00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,728

have to spend days

hung up on a rack.

00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,980

What would that do to you

emotionally?

00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:58,317

You have been through so much,

00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,944

and I think that people

all over America...

00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,322

MINGIE: [ British accent ]

Oh, God. There she goes again.

00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,991

Babbling about people's lives

and carrying on.

00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:08,869

She hasn't paid any attention

to m e in years!

00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:12,122

A life that kept getting up

whenever it was down...

00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,666

MINGIE: Nobody knows what it's

like to be Oprah's minge.

00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,251

All she does is work.

00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,879

Never gives her ol' minge

a nice rub now and again.

00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,589

A minge needs attention!

00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,758

At least a scratch

once in a while!

00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,427

Well, Steven, your book hasn't

sold a lot of copies yet,

00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,013

but I have some pretty exciting

news for you.

00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,056

MINGIE:

Used to be a time

00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,974

when Oprah would play with me

night and day.

00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,685

She'd pet me for hours,

using every finger.

00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:36,271

But now I just sit here...

in the dark.

00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,107

Not even so much as a pinkie.

00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,733

I should write a book.

00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,527

It'd be much more depressing

than his.

00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,821

And so, Steven,

I am making your book

00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:47,408

my official

"Book of the Month" selection!

00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,743

- Really?

- [ Cheers and applause ]

00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:53,455

Wow!

I'm gonna get super-rich now!

00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,417

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,314

Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, listen.

00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,733

Maybe we can get her in

as a guest on the 19th.

00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,444

Is John Travolta available

00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,529

to be a guest

the week after that?

00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,240

Okay. That might work better

since it's sweeps week.

00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,783

MINGIE:

Can't take it anymore.

00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,202

All she ever does

is work, work, work.

00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,246

Never pays attention

to the ol' minge.

00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,999

I'm always trapped

in these stuffy pantsuits.

00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,208

I want attention.

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,293

I'm bloody bored!

00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:41,253

GARY: [ British accent ]

Oh, stop your complainin'!

00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,088

I'm trying to sleep back here!

00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,048

MINGIE: Oi, who's that?

Is that you, Gary?

00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,508

GARY:

Yes, it's me.

00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,010

You think you got it bad?

00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,846

Oprah hasn't paid any attention

to me in years.

00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,640

MINGIE: Oh, what do you care?

You're just an asshole.

00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:56,560

I'm a minge!

Minges need stimulation!

00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,271

GARY: Assholes need stimulation,

too, you bastard.

00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,940

I want to travel.

I want to see Paris.

00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,067

I thought life

was going to get better.

00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,777

But Oprah's always busy.

00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,447

Working and working,

dieting and not dieting.

00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,657

I'm either puking up mounds

of chocolate cake

00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,201

or teaspoons of wheat grass.

00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:13,869

MINGIE:

She's a workaholic.

00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:14,870

Let's face it --

00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,538

The only way we're gonna get

any attention

00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,373

is if Oprah doesn't work

anymore.

00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:19,791

GARY:

Well, that will never happen.

00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,543

MINGIE:

Not unless she gets fired.

00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,254

GARY: Fired?

You got a plan, Mingie?

00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,256

MINGIE:

That bloke on the show today,

00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:30,135

the one Oprah supported --

He isn't a bloke at all.

00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,553

He's a towel.

00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,180

GARY:

Oh. How do you know?

00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,306

MINGIE:

I'm a minge.

00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,141

Minges know a towel

when they hear one.

00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,226

If evidence gets out

00:08:37,351 --> 00:08:39,478

that Oprah's champion author

is a towel,

00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:41,396

she'll look right foolish.

00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,732

Fans will start dropping off

by the millions.

00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,150

GARY:

How do we get proof?

00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,069

MINGIE:

We get somebody else to do it.

00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,030

The greatest investigative

reporter of our time.

00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:52,991

Mr. Rivera?

00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,243

What is it, Dmitri?

00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,203

There's somebody on the phone

to speak with you.

00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,663

He says he has inside

information for you

00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,331

that may discredit

Oprah Winfrey.

00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,375

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,086

This is Geraldo.

00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,337

MINGIE:

Hello, Geraldo.

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,340

I've got some information for

you you might find interesting.

00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:11,260

It could make Oprah Winfrey look

quite foolish.

00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,553

Who am I speaking with?

00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,721

GARY: He wants to know

who he's speaking with.

00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,975

MINGIE: Let's just say I work

very closely with Oprah.

00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,227

You'd like to see her

discredited, wouldn't you?

00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:21,895

What information do you have?

00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,021

MINGIE:

What'd he say?

00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,357

GARY: He wants to know

what information we have.

00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,775

MINGIE:

Just tell me what he says, Gary.

00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,527

Don't wait for me to ask you,

"What'd he say?"

00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,237

GARY:

Stop wasting my time.

00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,072

MINGIE:

Don't get snooty with me, Gary!

00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,032

GARY: I didn't say,

"Stop wasting my time."

00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,075

Geraldo did!

00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,493

What is going on here?

00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,828

MINGIE: All right, Gary.

This isn't working.

00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,746

Let's switch.

I'll listen and you talk.

00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,251

- GARY: Hello?

- Who is this?

00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:45,460

T-This is Gary.

00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,129

Gary who?

What is your last name?

00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,714

MINGIE:

Don't give away your name.

00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:50,007

We don't want him knowing

who we are.

00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,008

GARY:

All right. Look.

00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:54,428

All you need to know is I'm

definitely not Oprah's asshole.

00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:55,762

MINGIE:

Oh, you stupid twit!

00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,723

GARY:

Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!

00:09:57,848 --> 00:09:59,891

MINGIE: He didn't call you

a stupid twit. I did!

00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:02,227

Now, just tell him this.

00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,897

GARY: The writer of the book on

Oprah's "Book of the Month" club

00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,107

is a phony.

00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,734

He's not a person at all.

00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,402

He's a towel.

00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,946

A towel?

A talking towel?

00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,489

That doesn't make any sense.

00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,949

MINGIE:

Tell him he'd be surprised

00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:16,992

the things that can talk.

00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,661

GARY: You'd be surprised

the things that can talk.

00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:22,080

What proof do have

of this accusation?

00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,958

GARY: Just look into the author

of "A Million Little Fibers,"

00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,793

and you'll discover the truth.

00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,211

And how do I go about that?

00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:29,504

[ Click, dial tone ]

00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,965

Hello?

Hello?!

00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,927

- [ Mid-tempo music plays ]

- MAN: This is "Larry King Live."

00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,764

My guest tonight

is Steven McTowelie,

00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,433

author of the acclaimed book

"A Million Little Fibers."

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,101

How are you tonight, Steven?

00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,771

Well, Larry, I'm a little high.

00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:48,190

Your book has helped

a lot of people beat addiction.

00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,399

What made you write it?

00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:53,153

Well, Larry, I was really just

writing down my memoirs as a --

00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,947

What? What's that?

Oh, excuse me, Steven.

00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:58,116

I understand that we have

a special report coming in.

00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,077

Joining us live

from Afghanistan,

00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,703

here is Geraldo Rivera.

00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,246

[ Static ]

00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,791

Hello?

Larry, are you receiving me?

00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:08,126

We're here, Geraldo.

You're live on the show.

00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,545

Larry, this brave reporter

has spent days

00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,172

investigating and researching,

00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,424

and I have come up with

a shocking discovery

00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:18,095

that is going to rock the balls

and ass of the literary world.

00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,640

Steven McTowelie, author

of "A Million Little Fibers"...

00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,309

is a to we I.

00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,686

You're a towel!

00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,896

No, you're a towel.

00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,606

Well, you're a beaner towel.

00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:30,899

What did you say?

00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,610

I'm sorry.

I'm high.

00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,070

This looks pretty bad, Oprah.

00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,365

Your fans look to you to be

all-knowing and all-seeing,

00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,616

and you've just spent two weeks

00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,244

supporting a lying,

racist towel.

00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,205

MINGIE: He did it, Gary!

Geraldo got the proof!

00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,290

GARY:

Oprah's got egg all over face!

00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:48,834

She'll have to retire!

00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,002

MINGIE: It's the beginning

of a new life for us, Gar.

00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,713

Without her career

to worry about,

00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:54,840

Oprah's sure to travel

the world,

00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,800

enjoy the finer things in life.

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,970

She'll spend hours just playing

with her ol' minge.

00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,513

GARY:

And her Gary, too?

00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,098

MINGIE:

Sure, and her Gary.

00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,349

We did it, mate!

00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,727

Oprah, we need to figure out

what we're going to do!

00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:09,312

What's the big deal?

His book helped people.

00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,565

Why does it matter

that he made some stuff up?

00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,025

Are people really going to be

that mad?

00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,194

[ Crowd shouting ]

00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,242

Your book got me to give up

alcohol!

00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,369

But I thought you were a person!

00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,122

Yeah, we want our money back,

you dumb towel!

00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,500

MEN:

No insultar Mexicanos, olé!

00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,044

No insultar Mexicanos, olé!

00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:36,465

Oh, God.

I'm really in trouble now.

00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,258

[ Telephone rings ]

00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,634

Hello?

00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,094

Steven, it's Oprah.

00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,513

Can you come on my show

again tomorrow?

00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:44,306

Why?

00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,183

We need to tell the audience

00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:48,310

why you changed some

of the facts in your book,

00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:51,146

that you thought it necessary

to heighten certain things

00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,982

to make the book more relevant

to people.

00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,151

Hey, yeah.

00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,194

Just come on the show

00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:59,112

and explain

in a very level-headed way

00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,947

that changing some facts

shouldn't matter

00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:03,074

if the book helps people, okay?

00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,242

Okay!

00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:07,287

Thanks, Oprah.

You're a real friend.

00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,705

See you tomorrow!

00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,333

All right.

I've got one chance here.

00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,252

I need to focus and come up

with what I'm gonna say.

00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,505

Maybe I should get

a little high.

00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,839

No.

Wait a minute!

00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,633

I'm not gonna get high

this time.

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:21,218

Aw, come on.

00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:24,554

You need to come up with ideas

of what to say on "Oprah."

00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,807

But the ideas I come up with

when I'm high

00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,475

keep getting me in trouble.

00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,771

Yeah, that's why you should

only get a little high.

00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:36,274

Well, maybe just a little high.

00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:39,736

[ Up-tempo music plays,

crowd cheering ]

00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:42,948

Today, my guest is once again

Steven McTowelie,

00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,699

whose memoirs

many of you purchased

00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,160

after I made it my

"Book of the Month" selection!

00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,790

MINGIE: You hear that, Gary?

Nobody's applaudin'!

00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,834

GARY: Yeah.

They're all right pissed off!

00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,126

This is great!

00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:58,088

Now, it turns out that your name

isn't really Steven.

00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,631

It's Towelie, correct?

00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,715

Yeah.

00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,300

And you a re a towel.

00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,886

Yes, I'm pretty much a towel,

Oprah.

00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,555

Can you explain to the audience

00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,974

why you said

you weren't a towel before?

00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,143

Well, Oprah, I was all, like...

00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,313

Um...w-well, they're all like...

It's like...

00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,399

Was it that you thought

embellishing the story

00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,860

was okay if it helped people?

00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:21,570

Yeah!

Yeah, that's it!

00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,154

Well, you know what I think,

Towelie?

00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,950

I think you're a lying sack

shit.

00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,451

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,371

You lied to all these people,

and for what?

00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,081

To make money!

00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,792

They bought your book

thinking it was true!

00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,335

- Yeah! That's right!

- Yeah.

00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,545

But I thought you said --

00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:42,048

How dare you lie to me

and make me look foolish?

00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,384

MINGIE: What's this?

What's she doin'?!

00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,177

GARY:

I don't understand, Mingie!

00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,930

You think writing is a joke,

you stupid towel!

00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,432

Yeah.

You -- You get him, Oprah!

00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,683

ALL:

Yeah!

00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,602

You will not get away with this.

00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,770

MINGIE: She's getting everyone

back on her side!

00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,439

Oh, the clever cow!

00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,107

You lied to me, Towelie,

00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,735

and therefore,

you have lied to America.

00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,362

We are going to rise up

against you!

00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,780

ALL:

Yeah!

00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:09,743

Is this audience ready for

a good old-fashioned lynching?

00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,369

ALL:

Yeah!

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,287

Huh?!

00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,247

Audience, if you look

under your seats,

00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:17,667

you'll find

your very own torches!

00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,211

[Audience murmuring ]

00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,548

GARY: Minge! Does this mean

I have to wait to see Paris?

00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,300

MINGIE:

There's not gonna be any Paris.

00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,968

Don't you get it, Gary?

00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,262

The fat cow got everyone

on her side again!

00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,097

She'll be working

more than ever now!

00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,350

- Our plan is ruined!

- GARY: No!

00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:35,977

We'll give you

a five-second head start!

00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,312

One, two!

00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,313

Aah!

00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,522

Let's get him!

00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,816

Burn him!

00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,276

Burn the towel!

00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,279

Burn that which lies to Oprah!

00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,032

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:51,284

[ Crowd shouting ]

00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:55,789

[ Rattling ]

00:15:57,082 --> 00:15:58,917

Looks like your time is up,

Towelie!

00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,753

I've lead my adoring fans

right to you!

00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,714

- All right, Oprah!

- Yeah!

00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,925

I've shown my fans that --

00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,302

Ugh! Ow! Wha--

00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,804

[ Gun cocks ]

00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,056

MINGIE:

All right! Everyone back!

00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,224

Get back, I said!

00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,518

[ Crowd screaming ]

00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,522

What the hell is this?

00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,816

MINGIE:

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,901

GARY:

Mingie! What are you doing?

00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,404

MINGIE: We're getting out of

here, Gary, one way or another!

00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,782

What is going on?

00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,368

MINGIE: Shut up!

Shut up, you miserable old cow!

00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,578

Or so help me,

I'll blow your brains out!

00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,998

I want a chopper --

you got that? --

00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,041

and a jet waiting

at the airport!

00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,794

GARY:

Mingie, have you lost your mind?

00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,004

MINGIE:

Come on, Gary.

00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,131

You said you always

wanted to see Paris.

00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:49,884

GARY: Not like this, Mingie.

Not like this!

00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,428

All right.

The gig is up.

00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,804

Just put down the gun.

00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,014

MINGIE:

Stay back, mate!

00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,598

Drop the gun and step away.

00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:56,933

MINGIE:

I'm warning you!

00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,643

- Put it down, I said!

- [ Gunshot ]

00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,770

[ Groans ]

00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,024

GARY:

Jesus, Minge! You killed him!

00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,900

You shot him dead!

00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,485

MINGIE:

No turning back now, Gary.

00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,363

GARY: Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna be sick!

00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,614

Keep your head, Gary!

00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,701

GARY:

I can't. I'm gonna puke!

00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,786

[ Vomits ]

00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,913

MINGIE:

Oh, Gary, that smells awful.

00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,457

Now I'm gonna throw up!

00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:22,751

[ Vomiting ]

00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:26,880

Try to leave,

and I'll shoot you, too!

00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:28,715

You hostages aren't going

anywhere

00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,175

until we get what we want!

00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,135

Oh, my God.

What are we gonna do?

00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,846

You got us into this, towel.

Think of something!

00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,098

All right.

I'm gonna get a little high.

00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,935

No!

No, I'm not gonna get high!

00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,520

Every time I get high,

00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,273

I come up with ideas

that get me in more trouble.

00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,692

I'm not getting high this time!

00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,488

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:57,202

I'm standing in the business

district of central Chicago,

00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,954

where Oprah's vagina

has killed a police officer

00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,207

and taken several people

hostage.

00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,792

It is yet unconfirmed

but believed

00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:07,170

that Oprah's asshole may be

an accomplice in this as well.

00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,549

We got the walkie-talkie

you asked for.

00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,760

MINGIE:

Put it underneath me.

00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,429

Slowly, mate!

Slowly!

00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,764

Now back off.

00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,476

All right, Gary.

Squeeze the walkie button.

00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,603

- [ Click, static ]

- This is Oprah's minge.

00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:26,272

Hello. I'm Lieutenant Nelson.

What are your demands?

00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,317

MINGIE: I want a chopper

and a jet waiting at the airport

00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,652

to take us to France.

00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,612

Plus, we need some

fresh knickers right away.

00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,990

All right. How about fresh

underwear for one hostage?

00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,826

MINGIE: I'm not playing games

with you, mate!

00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,786

Gary's drownin' in his own sick!

00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,497

All right. We'll work on it.

Don't do anything foolish.

00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,498

We don't have any time.

00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,750

This is the most unstable vagina

I've ever talked to.

00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,127

O'Reilly, you got a shot?

00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,294

I got it.

00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,506

Not with those hostages

so close!

00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,549

It's too risky!

00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,676

GARY:

Just put down the gun, Mingie.

00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,636

Maybe they'll go easy on us.

00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,347

MINGIE: Don't be stupid, Gary.

I've killed a policeman.

00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,142

They'll fry me

and lock you up for life.

00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,978

GARY:

Oh, Mingie, I'm so scared!

00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,271

MINGIE: We're gonna get out

of here, mate.

00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,355

Just leave it to me.

00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,607

Oprah's vagina,

this is your last warning.

00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,109

Put down the gun.

00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:12,944

MINGIE: If that chopper

isn't here in two minutes,

00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,904

I'm killing a hostage!

00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,573

Hey.

Wait a minute.

00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:19,117

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,375

Psst!

00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,252

MINGIE:

I mean it!

00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,754

Hostages are gonna start dyin'

if you don't listen!

00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,592

Hostages are clear!

00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,385

All right. That's it.

Take it out.

00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:38,928

Aah!

00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,680

MINGIE: What the...

[ Chuckles ]

00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,640

You missed me,

you stupid buggers!

00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:45,310

You see that, Gary?

They can't even aim!

00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:48,146

GARY: [ Weakly ]

Min-- Mingie?

00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,689

MINGIE:

Gary, what's -- what's wrong?

00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:51,024

GARY:

They got me, Mingie.

00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,193

MINGIE:

No. Oh, no!

00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:56,154

GARY:

Oh. They got me bad.

00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,780

Oh, the blood!

00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,282

MINGIE:

Try to hang on, Gar!

00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,201

GARY: [ Grunts ]

It's gettin' dark, Minge.

00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,204

MINGIE: Oh, Gary.

What have I got you into?

00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:07,457

GARY: I'm seeing my life

flash before me eyes.

00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:08,917

Mingie?!

00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,043

MINGIE:

I'm here, Gar!

00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:12,545

GARY:

Where -- Where are we, Mingie?

00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,380

Are we in Paris?

00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,592

MINGIE: Yeah.

Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.

00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,720

GARY: [ Whimpers ]

Is it as wonderful as I hoped?

00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,096

MINGIE:

I-It's beautiful.

00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,514

[ Voice breaking ]

We finally made it.

00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,516

GARY:

Tell me what you see, Mingie.

00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:29,103

MINGIE: Well, there's the Eiffel

Tower right in front of us,

00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,231

the Louvre right over there

behind you,

00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,566

and fresh baguettes all around!

00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:37,362

GARY: Ah.

I can smell 'em, Mingie.

00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:40,949

At least I got to see Paris

before I...

00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,284

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,661

MINGIE:

Gary?

00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,162

Gary, say something!

00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,122

GARY:

[ Farts ]

00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,999

MINGIE:

You killed him, you bastards!

00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,960

He didn't even want any part

in this!

00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,295

This all your fault,

you stupid cow!

00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:58,216

You never gave your ol' Gary the

time of day, and now he's gone!

00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,093

Life ain't worth living anymore.

00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:01,719

What's the use?!

00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,680

- I'm coming to see you, Gary!

- [ Gun cocks ]

00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:04,931

I'm coming to see you!

00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:06,724

No!

Don't!

00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,310

[ Gunshot ]

00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,312

[ Siren wails ]

00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,731

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,236

Oprah's going to be okay.

00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:21,531

Wish I could say the same

for her vagina and asshole.

00:21:21,656 --> 00:21:22,991

That's a great idea you had

00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,993

to sneak the hostages

inside the bank.

00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:26,160

Yeah, it sure was.

00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:28,663

We're sorry we tried to burn you

and murder you before.

00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,123

Oh, that's okay.

00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:32,208

This whole thing was my fault.

00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:37,797

I learned that I shouldn't

get high to come up with ideas.

00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,215

I should come up with ideas

00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:41,676

and then get high

to reward myself.

00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,137

You said it!