Кровавая Мэри — У Рэнди проблемы с алкоголем. В соседнем городе у статуи девы Марии начинает идти кровь из задницы, и это чудо становится его последней надеждой.

Предыдущая серия S09 E13 Освободите Виллзиака

Следующая серия S10 E01 Возвращение Шефа

Кровавая Мэри

Bloody Mary

Сезон: 09Серия: 14

Описание

У Рэнди проблемы с алкоголем. В соседнем городе у статуи девы Марии начинает идти кровь из задницы, и это чудо становится его последней надеждой.

Субтитры

00:00:30,549 --> 00:00:35,349 Субтитры от ghost_kk
00:00:41,562 --> 00:00:43,212 Итс банзай!
00:00:43,912 --> 00:00:45,512 Итс банзай! Кия!
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,012 Картамана-сан! Что ты делаешь?
00:00:48,112 --> 00:00:51,912 Я сделал несколько классных движений банзай. Я немного лучше, чем все остальные здесь.
00:00:52,012 --> 00:00:56,012 Эрик-сан, ты должен следовать указаниям! Тебе не хватает дисциприны!
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,212 Не-а, мне хватает дисциприны!
00:00:58,712 --> 00:01:02,112 Минасан, вам всем нужно больше дисциприны!
00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:05,812 Настоящая дисциприна... приходит изнутри.
00:01:06,112 --> 00:01:09,712 Наше время вышло. Встретимся во вторник.
00:01:11,212 --> 00:01:14,112 Чувак, надо торопиться домой. Скоро последняя серия "Остаться в живых".
00:01:14,212 --> 00:01:15,012 Да, пошли.
00:01:15,012 --> 00:01:16,712 Подождите. Где мой папа?
00:01:17,112 --> 00:01:19,112 Он знает, что должен взять нас всех домой?
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,112 Да.
00:01:21,412 --> 00:01:23,712 Папа? Куда он, чёрт возьми, пропал?
00:01:23,712 --> 00:01:25,012 О, извините, мальчики.
00:01:25,112 --> 00:01:26,112 Пока, Рэнди.
00:01:26,112 --> 00:01:27,212 Увидимся, Нельсон.
00:01:27,312 --> 00:01:28,312 Папа, ты не смотрел?
00:01:28,312 --> 00:01:30,612 Ну, я встретился с Нельсоном с работы.
00:01:30,712 --> 00:01:34,412 Мы были в баре, смотрели игру. "Маргаритa" за 2 доллара! Это было отлично.
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,412 Ладно, пошли, я отвезу вас домой.
00:01:36,612 --> 00:01:37,912 Вы уверены, что вы в порядке?
00:01:38,012 --> 00:01:41,212 Да, всё нормально. Я взял немного пивка.
00:01:47,212 --> 00:01:50,212 Папа, а разве можно пить и водить машину?
00:01:50,312 --> 00:01:54,212 Я не пью и вожу машину, я вожу, пока пью. Правильно, мальчики?
00:01:54,412 --> 00:01:56,112 Да, конечно, чувак.
00:01:56,412 --> 00:01:58,412 О, я хочу писать. Дай мне пустую бутылку, Стэн.
00:01:58,412 --> 00:01:59,912 А может просто остановиться?
00:02:00,012 --> 00:02:04,012 Стэн, ты должен узнать кое-что про мужчин! Дай мне эту бутылку!
00:02:05,712 --> 00:02:09,982 Вот почему Бог сделал наши члены похожими на маленькие трубки, мальчики.
00:02:09,982 --> 00:02:11,412 Подержи руль, Стэн.
00:02:11,812 --> 00:02:14,812 Когда вы начнёте водить машину, мальчики, вы должны будете научиться делать это.
00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:16,612 Папа, мы разобьёмся!
00:02:16,612 --> 00:02:19,412 Шшш, попробуй сосредоточиться! Просто держи чёртов руль!
00:02:20,212 --> 00:02:21,712 Чувак, по-моему, за нами едут.
00:02:22,012 --> 00:02:25,012 Да? Слезай с моей жопы, мудак!
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,712 Не, чувак, это полиция.
00:02:27,612 --> 00:02:29,012 А, дерьмо!
00:02:30,712 --> 00:02:31,712 Вот, подержи это.
00:02:32,712 --> 00:02:33,912 Фу, она тёплая!
00:02:33,912 --> 00:02:38,212 Просто успокойтесь! Я позабочусь об этом, без проблем. Я знаю, как договориться.
00:02:40,212 --> 00:02:42,212 Лицензию и регистрацию, пожалуйста.
00:02:42,812 --> 00:02:45,612 В чём офицер, проблема?
00:02:46,912 --> 00:02:49,312 Сэр, не могли бы вы выйти из машины?
00:02:49,612 --> 00:02:50,512 Ладно.
00:02:53,112 --> 00:02:55,112 Сэр, я проверю вас на трезвость.
00:02:55,112 --> 00:02:57,112 Ладно, без проблем. Легко.
00:02:57,212 --> 00:03:02,012 Встаньте сюда, пожалуйста. Прямо сюда. Хорошо, теперь вытяните руки в стороны.
00:03:04,412 --> 00:03:07,112 Вот! Я сделал это, видите?! Без проблем!
00:03:07,112 --> 00:03:09,272 А теперь прикоснитесь пальцем к носу.
00:03:09,472 --> 00:03:10,712 Что сделать?
00:03:10,812 --> 00:03:12,812 Прикоснитесь пальцем к носу.
00:03:13,412 --> 00:03:15,412 Да ладно, это невозможно!
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:18,412 Просто поднесите руку к носу, вот так.
00:03:18,512 --> 00:03:21,712 Хорошо, подождите. Подождите.
00:03:24,112 --> 00:03:28,612 Подождите. Минутку. Подождите, подождите.
00:03:29,412 --> 00:03:31,012 Чувак, что он делает, чёрт возьми?
00:03:31,012 --> 00:03:32,612 По-моему, у него штаны спали.
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:35,912 Что? Что я сделал? Что я сделал?
00:03:39,812 --> 00:03:43,512 Дуйте. Дуйте. Дуйте.
00:03:44,512 --> 00:03:46,112 О, Господи!
00:03:47,112 --> 00:03:48,962 Это таак стыдно.
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:52,512 Знаешь, Стэн, я думаю, твоему папе не хватает дисциприны.
00:03:56,812 --> 00:03:59,152 Знаешь, я не был дома до 2:30.
00:03:59,152 --> 00:04:00,712 Это был такой облом!
00:04:01,112 --> 00:04:04,312 Эй, пацаны, насчёт прошой ночи. Можете помолчать об этом?
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:05,612 Почему?
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,012 Потому, что я не хочу, чтобы все знали, понятно?
00:04:08,012 --> 00:04:09,712 Можем мы держать это при себе?
00:04:09,712 --> 00:04:10,812 Хорошо, Стэн. Конечно.
00:04:11,712 --> 00:04:14,012 Ладно, дети, присаживайтесь.
00:04:15,012 --> 00:04:21,712 Сегодня мы продолжим изучение экономики. Но сначала мы послушаем поучительный доклад.
00:04:21,812 --> 00:04:26,512 Государство посылает людей, чтобы рассказать вам, как опасно пить за рулём.
00:04:26,612 --> 00:04:29,112 Поприветствуйте папу Стэна.
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,812 О, Господи!
00:04:32,412 --> 00:04:37,212 Ну, я должен рассказать вам, ребята, что пить - это плохо...
00:04:37,512 --> 00:04:41,112 Я н-немного выпил и вёл машину. Как часть наказания, я...
00:04:41,712 --> 00:04:44,712 должен заниматься общественной работой в школах.
00:04:44,812 --> 00:04:47,212 О, это очень интересно, правда, дети?
00:04:49,712 --> 00:04:53,712 Эээ, вы не должны пить, потому что это плохо кончается.
00:04:54,012 --> 00:04:57,712 Меня посадили в тюрьму на ночь, и я думаю, я не...
00:04:57,812 --> 00:05:02,412 Просто не пейте, но... Если вам надо выпить, тогда точно не надо водить машину, я...
00:05:02,612 --> 00:05:06,512 узнал это из первых рук, и... Это всё, я думаю.
00:05:06,812 --> 00:05:09,912 ...Итак, я думаю, мы все получили важный урок, правда, класс?
00:05:10,012 --> 00:05:15,912 Если вы не сделаете правильный выбор в жизни, вы закончите полным неудачником, как папа Стэна.
00:05:17,712 --> 00:05:22,412 Пьяное вождение - это для идиотов. Никто не хочет закончить как папа Стэна, правда?
00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:29,712 Я хочу, чтобы вы хорошенько посмотрели на папу Стэна и сказали: "Это тот, кем я хочу стать в 30 лет?
00:05:30,012 --> 00:05:35,012 Получать штрафы и ходить в начальные школы, чтобы рассказать, как я сожалею?"
00:05:35,112 --> 00:05:37,712 Спасибо, мистер Марш, я думаю, вы достигли цели.
00:05:40,312 --> 00:05:44,912 Привет всем, меня зовут Майкл, и... я алкоголик.
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,812 Привет, Майкл.
00:05:47,612 --> 00:05:52,312 Как большинство из вас знают, я потерял семью и работу из-за того, что я пил.
00:05:52,412 --> 00:05:55,712 Но, с помощью АА, я не пил уже десять лет.
00:05:57,212 --> 00:06:00,012 Кто-нибудь хочет что-то сказать группе?
00:06:00,712 --> 00:06:02,932 Меня зовут Билл, и я алкоголик.
00:06:03,332 --> 00:06:04,412 Привет, Билл.
00:06:04,912 --> 00:06:06,012 Привет, Билл.
00:06:06,112 --> 00:06:11,712 Я использую 12-этапную программу уже два месяца, и моя жизнь полностью изменилась.
00:06:11,812 --> 00:06:15,812 Больше не буду сосать у парней на Колфакс Авеню за поллитра водки.
00:06:17,612 --> 00:06:22,512 Отлично. Я знаю, для кого-то это первая встреча АА, так?
00:06:23,212 --> 00:06:25,912 Да, вы, сэр. Встаньте и представьтесь.
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:29,762 Меня зовут Рэнди, и...
00:06:30,362 --> 00:06:32,712 я просто очень люблю пиво.
00:06:33,712 --> 00:06:35,612 Вы должны признаться, что вы алкоголик.
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:39,712 Но я не думаю, что я на самом деле алко-голик.
00:06:40,012 --> 00:06:41,812 Тогда почему вы здесь?
00:06:42,012 --> 00:06:47,712 Потому что я ездил пьяным и поэтому должен посещать собрания АА две недели.
00:06:47,812 --> 00:06:51,712 Я однажды сдурил, выпил слишком много и потом сел за руль.
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:54,012 Это было тупо, и я больше не буду так делать.
00:06:54,212 --> 00:06:57,612 Рэнди, вы не можете сделать это решение.
00:06:57,712 --> 00:07:00,812 Единственное, что поможет, это 12-этапная программа.
00:07:00,912 --> 00:07:05,112 Шаг 1 - признать, что вы не можете контролировать себя, когда пьёте.
00:07:05,212 --> 00:07:07,812 Только тогда вы можете перейти к другим 12 шагам,
00:07:07,912 --> 00:07:11,712 например, поверить, что только высшая сила - Бог - может помочь вам прекратить пить.
00:07:11,712 --> 00:07:13,912 И потом, повернуть свою жизнь к Богу, и
00:07:13,912 --> 00:07:16,712 смиренно просить Бога снять вашу слабость.
00:07:16,712 --> 00:07:22,212 Стоп, стоп, подождите. Я не знал, что Анонимные Алкоголики - религиозное общество.
00:07:22,912 --> 00:07:26,412 Нет, не религиозное. Вы просто должны признать, что существует нечто вроде бога,
00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:29,912 что имеет над вами власть, повернуть свою жизнь к богу и попросить у него прощения.
00:07:29,912 --> 00:07:32,112 Это 12-этапная программа, а не религия.
00:07:32,212 --> 00:07:38,412 Послушайте, мне... Мне просто нужно поменьше пить и больше никогда не водить машину пьяным.
00:07:38,512 --> 00:07:41,312 Вы не можете просто поменьше пить, Рэнди.
00:07:41,412 --> 00:07:45,412 Вы должны узнать кое-что. У вас болезнь.
00:07:47,112 --> 00:07:48,232 Болезнь?
00:07:48,232 --> 00:07:51,612 Правильно, алкоголизм - это болезнь.
00:07:51,712 --> 00:07:54,512 Вы больны, Рэнди. Вы очень-очень больны.
00:07:54,612 --> 00:07:59,912 И, как большинство других заболеваний, вы не можете вылечить это сами. И это смертельно.
00:08:00,912 --> 00:08:02,712 Боже мой!
00:08:08,012 --> 00:08:10,012 Пап, какого чёрта ты делаешь?
00:08:10,312 --> 00:08:11,412 Привет, Стэн.
00:08:11,412 --> 00:08:14,612 Пап, сейчас середина дня! Я думал, ты никогда больше не будешь так много пить!
00:08:14,712 --> 00:08:20,212 Нет, Стэн, ты не понимаешь. У меня болезнь. Папочка очень болен.
00:08:20,712 --> 00:08:22,712 Что? Ты ходил на собрание АА?
00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:24,712 Да, они и рассказали мне.
00:08:24,912 --> 00:08:29,212 Я думал, что смогу сам завязать с выпивкой, но... это заболевание, сынок.
00:08:29,312 --> 00:08:33,512 Я должен признать, что я бессилен против этой ужасной болезни.
00:08:36,212 --> 00:08:37,732 Пап, хватит уже! Просто остановись!
00:08:37,732 --> 00:08:39,412 Не могу. Я болен!
00:08:43,812 --> 00:08:47,412 Это нечестно! Почему ты дал мне эту болезнь?
00:08:55,712 --> 00:08:58,712 Стэн! Стэн!
00:08:59,812 --> 00:09:01,062 Стэн.
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:02,312 А, мать твою!
00:09:02,412 --> 00:09:04,512 Стэн, мне... нужна твоя помощь.
00:09:04,512 --> 00:09:06,612 Пап, что ты делаешь в запасном кресле дедушки?
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:11,112 Ты должен привыкать к этому, сынок. Принесёшь папочке ещё пива, а?
00:09:11,212 --> 00:09:13,012 Нет, тебе не надо больше пива!
00:09:13,112 --> 00:09:14,212 Я знаю!
00:09:14,412 --> 00:09:18,412 Но эта болезнь просто пожирает меня! Я ненавижу свою болезнь!
00:09:18,412 --> 00:09:21,812 Пап, тебе просто не надо так много пить. Это очень просто.
00:09:21,912 --> 00:09:23,732 Хотел бы я, чтобы это было просто, сынок.
00:09:24,032 --> 00:09:28,712 Но если я не предоставлю себя высшей силе, эта болезнь может убить меня.
00:09:28,812 --> 00:09:33,212 Боюсь, единственное, что может вылечить меня... это чудо.
00:10:00,212 --> 00:10:04,212 Es un milagro. Es un milagro!
00:10:06,512 --> 00:10:10,212 Том, я стою в парке церкви святого Петра в Бэйли,
00:10:10,312 --> 00:10:13,512 где случилось нечто, названное чудом.
00:10:13,712 --> 00:10:17,312 Статуя Девы Марии начала кровоточить.
00:10:17,712 --> 00:10:19,212 Из жопы.
00:10:19,512 --> 00:10:23,212 Первым заметил феномен отец Гарольд Барнс,
00:10:23,212 --> 00:10:26,512 он увидел, что кровь появилась из жопы Девы Марии прошлой ночью.
00:10:26,712 --> 00:10:31,712 Люди со всей страны стекаются к этой церкви, чтобы наблюдать чудо своими глазами.
00:10:32,012 --> 00:10:37,612 Ну, мы услышали, что произошло это чудо, и мы захотели увидеть это сами и прийти помолиться.
00:10:37,812 --> 00:10:40,612 Как вы думаете, почему статуя Девы Марии кровоточит?
00:10:40,712 --> 00:10:45,612 Наверно, это символизирует её печаль о плохих вещах, которые происходят в мире.
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:49,812 Как вы думаете, почему статуя Девы Марии кровоточит ИЗ ЖОПЫ?
00:10:51,712 --> 00:10:55,612 Новость о чуде распространяется, и сотни людей появляются у церкви,
00:10:55,612 --> 00:10:59,212 надеясь увидеть чудо и даже излечить свои болезни.
00:11:00,512 --> 00:11:04,712 Излечить... болезнь. СТЭН!
00:11:10,316 --> 00:11:13,236 Меня зовут Гарри, и я алкоголик.
00:11:13,236 --> 00:11:14,216 Привет, Гарри.
00:11:14,316 --> 00:11:17,216 Я не пью уже пять лет,
00:11:17,216 --> 00:11:23,416 и я понял, что пить чай со льдом и, и усиливать свою связь с Богом - это, это лучше, чем пьянки.
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,916 Это, это точно.
00:11:25,216 --> 00:11:28,916 Когда я признал, что не могу контролировать себя и свою жизнь,
00:11:29,016 --> 00:11:33,516 я предоставил себя в руки Божьи, и теперь, эти собрания - самое интересное, что я могу сделать.
00:11:36,716 --> 00:11:39,016 Извините, кто здесь главный?
00:11:39,316 --> 00:11:42,016 Никто из нас не главный, мы все беспомощны.
00:11:42,016 --> 00:11:42,916 Конечно!
00:11:42,916 --> 00:11:43,816 Это правда!
00:11:43,816 --> 00:11:49,516 Мой отец вчера был здесь, и... вы как бы запутали его, сказали, что у него болезнь.
00:11:50,116 --> 00:11:51,866 Алкоголизм - это болезнь.
00:11:52,366 --> 00:11:53,616 Нет, не болезнь.
00:11:53,716 --> 00:11:58,616 И... вы не должны рассказывать такие вещи таким людям, как мой папа. Он, типа... ипохондрик.
00:11:58,716 --> 00:12:03,516 Это болезнь, потому что это физическая зависимость. Она делает это болезнью.
00:12:03,516 --> 00:12:07,016 Нет, рак - это болезнь. Моему папе надо меньше пить.
00:12:07,116 --> 00:12:12,516 Он не может завязать сам. Никто из нас не может. Ему нужно божественное вдохновение. Духовность.
00:12:12,716 --> 00:12:14,716 Нет, ему просто нужна дисциприна.
00:12:14,816 --> 00:12:18,816 Но благодаря вам, мой папа сейчас думает, что у него болезнь, которую он не может сам вылечить.
00:12:18,916 --> 00:12:22,016 Молодой человек, ты слышал что-нибудь про 12-этапную программу?
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:25,916 Да, и ещё я слышал кое-что про секты. Я недавно был лидером одной.
00:12:28,016 --> 00:12:29,316 Твою мать!
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:32,416 Толпа растёт с каждым часом,
00:12:32,516 --> 00:12:37,316 а статуя Девы Марии продолжает чудом плакать кровью.
00:12:37,616 --> 00:12:38,916 Из жопы.
00:12:39,016 --> 00:12:45,816 Кардинал Мэллори был послан Ватиканом, чтобы определить, настоящее это чудо или нет.
00:12:49,216 --> 00:12:51,216 Прямо сюда, кардинал.
00:12:52,516 --> 00:12:56,416 Кровь всегда появляется из того же места. Иногда меньше, иногда больше.
00:13:23,316 --> 00:13:25,216 Это чудо!
00:13:34,516 --> 00:13:36,116 О, ладно, поехали.
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,316 Пап, что ты делаешь?
00:13:38,316 --> 00:13:40,316 Я должен поехать в Бэйли.
00:13:40,616 --> 00:13:42,616 Пап, ты пьяный. Тебе нельзя водить машину.
00:13:42,616 --> 00:13:44,616 Нет, Стэн, ты не понимаешь.
00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:49,516 В Бэйли есть церковь. Статуя Девы Марии кровоточит из жопы.
00:13:51,316 --> 00:13:52,416 Что??
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,316 Говорят, её святая кровь из жопы обладает чудотворной целительной силой.
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:58,216 Она может вылечить мой алкоголизм! Я скоро вернусь!
00:13:58,216 --> 00:14:01,416 Пап, тебе нельзя водить! У тебя забрали лицензию, помнишь?
00:14:01,416 --> 00:14:04,316 Если тебя опять остановят, ты попадёшь в тюрьму на 10 лет!
00:14:06,016 --> 00:14:07,466 Отлично...
00:14:07,766 --> 00:14:08,916 тогда ты поведёшь!
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,466 ...Мне восемь лет!
00:14:11,466 --> 00:14:12,916 Это моя последняя надежда, Стэн!
00:14:13,016 --> 00:14:16,116 Или ты поведёшь эту машину, или я!
00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:20,416 Надеюсь, это сработает.
00:14:20,616 --> 00:14:27,016 Нет. Нет, это точно сработает! Я поверил в высшую силу. Я поверил, что это сработает!
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,516 Вот! Вот церковь! Остановись здесь, Стэн!
00:14:29,516 --> 00:14:30,666 Где? Я не вижу.
00:14:30,666 --> 00:14:33,016 Прямо здесь! Педаль тормоза! Левая педаль!
00:14:34,516 --> 00:14:36,616 Хорошо, достань моё кресло сзади.
00:14:38,116 --> 00:14:39,716 Это очередь?
00:14:40,316 --> 00:14:41,816 Боже!
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,716 Все эти люди хотят исцелиться?
00:14:45,816 --> 00:14:50,716 Да. У меня обнаружили рак мозга два месяца назад. Чувствую, это моя последняя надежда.
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:54,516 Я знаю, что вы чувствуете. У меня алкоголизм.
00:14:54,616 --> 00:14:55,816 Боже мой...
00:14:56,016 --> 00:14:58,956 Подожди-ка. Стэн, это не Джош Гаррет?
00:14:58,956 --> 00:15:00,916 Он из Саут-Парка. Может быть, мы можем встать в очередь с ним?
00:15:00,916 --> 00:15:02,496 Пап, давай просто подождём нашей очереди.
00:15:02,496 --> 00:15:05,216 Я могу умереть, пока жду в этой очереди, Стэн. Давай, идём!
00:15:06,916 --> 00:15:09,416 Эй, Джош Гаррет. Как дела?
00:15:09,516 --> 00:15:11,116 Привет, Рэнди. Что с тобой?
00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:15,016 У меня болезнь. Алкоголизм. Это очень серьёзно. А ты?
00:15:15,116 --> 00:15:17,816 У моей дочери элефантиаз.
00:15:21,316 --> 00:15:23,416 Мы одинаковы, она и я.
00:15:24,016 --> 00:15:25,866 Эй, что ты делаешь парень?
00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:27,716 Ты пытаешься пройти без очереди!
00:15:27,816 --> 00:15:29,466 Я просто... Мой папа...
00:15:29,466 --> 00:15:32,116 Ты обманщик! Мерзкий нарушитель очереди!
00:15:41,116 --> 00:15:43,316 Хвала Иисусу.
00:15:46,316 --> 00:15:50,216 Это слишком долго. У меня кончится пиво. Стэн!
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:50,896 Чё?
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:54,016 Видишь того мужика? Я думаю, у него болезнь почек.
00:15:54,016 --> 00:15:56,966 Каждые две минуты он выходит из очереди и идёт в туалет.
00:15:56,966 --> 00:15:58,916 Когда он уйдёт в следующий раз, давай займём его место.
00:15:59,016 --> 00:16:00,566 Нет, папа, люди увидят!
00:16:00,566 --> 00:16:02,116 Мужик за ним - слепой.
00:16:02,216 --> 00:16:04,216 Он идёт! Давай, давай! Пошли!
00:16:08,416 --> 00:16:11,016 Эй. Я чувствую обман.
00:16:11,316 --> 00:16:13,436 Да, этот мальчик только что прошёл без очереди!
00:16:13,436 --> 00:16:14,616 Давай назад, обманщик!
00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:16,256 Я умру!
00:16:16,256 --> 00:16:17,716 Пап, идём назад!
00:16:17,716 --> 00:16:18,966 Что тут происходит?
00:16:18,966 --> 00:16:20,216 Этот мальчик лезет без очереди!
00:16:20,316 --> 00:16:24,816 Пожалуйста, офицер, вы должны понять. Мне чудо нужно гораздо больше, чем всем этим людям.
00:16:24,816 --> 00:16:28,016 Я алкоголик, и я бессилен против этого.
00:16:28,716 --> 00:16:33,016 Понимаю. Мой брат алкоголик. Вот, давайте я подвину вас в начало очереди.
00:16:33,116 --> 00:16:35,416 Благослови вас Бог, сэр!
00:16:36,216 --> 00:16:39,216 Извините, уйдите с дороги, алкоголик едет.
00:16:43,816 --> 00:16:46,016 Она... прекрасна.
00:17:01,016 --> 00:17:06,116 Я... не буду... пить это. Я не буду пить это!
00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:08,916 Это чудо! Я исцелён!
00:17:10,416 --> 00:17:15,816 Хвала Иисусу! Хвала Марии, пресвятой матери! Спасибо! Спасибо, Господи!
00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:27,831 Доброе утро, семья. Господь воистину благословил нас на ещё один прекрасный день.
00:17:30,331 --> 00:17:34,631 Это просто удивительно. Я не пил уже пять дней. Хвала Иисусу.
00:17:34,831 --> 00:17:35,881 Воздайте Ему хвалу.
00:17:36,081 --> 00:17:36,901 Хвала Иисусу.
00:17:37,101 --> 00:17:38,131 Хвала Иисусу.
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:41,831 Сегодня ещё одно собрание АА. Угадай, где оно будет, Стэн?
00:17:41,831 --> 00:17:44,031 В пиццерии Свистящего Вилли, ты можешь пойти со мной.
00:17:44,031 --> 00:17:46,791 Не, пап, все парни идут к Кайлу домой, смотреть игру Бронкос.
00:17:46,791 --> 00:17:48,631 Папы Кенни и Кайла хотели, чтоб ты пришёл.
00:17:48,731 --> 00:17:55,031 Стэн, эти люди пьют. У меня сейчас новые друзья. Мои друзья-АА, верящие в высшую силу.
00:17:59,231 --> 00:18:03,231 Блин, это замечательный лимонад! Кто знал, что быть трезвым так замечательно?
00:18:05,431 --> 00:18:07,331 Твой папа больше не пьёт?
00:18:07,331 --> 00:18:09,231 Нет, мой папа не пьёт.
00:18:09,531 --> 00:18:11,331 Значит, мы будем друзьями?
00:18:12,031 --> 00:18:14,811 Извините, могу ли я обратиться к группе?
00:18:14,811 --> 00:18:16,631 Конечно, Рэнди, давай.
00:18:16,831 --> 00:18:18,691 Я - Рэнди, и я алкоголик.
00:18:18,691 --> 00:18:19,931 Привет, Рэнди.
00:18:20,031 --> 00:18:24,431 Но я поверил в высшую силу, и... я не пью уже пять дней!
00:18:27,531 --> 00:18:30,931 Подробности о кровоточащей статуе Девы Марии!
00:18:31,031 --> 00:18:32,831 Подождите. Успокойтесь, мужики.
00:18:33,031 --> 00:18:39,031 Сегодня утром новый Папа Римский, Бенедикт XVI, лично посетил статую в Бэйли,
00:18:39,031 --> 00:18:41,031 чтобы увидеть чудо своими глазами.
00:18:41,731 --> 00:18:46,031 Это удивительно, наблюдать, как Папа Бенедикт прокладывает путь через толпу людей.
00:18:46,031 --> 00:18:47,831 Сюда, Ваше Святейшество.
00:18:48,331 --> 00:18:51,131 Папа внимательно осмотрел статую.
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:13,031 После личного наблюдения феномена Папа очистился,
00:19:13,031 --> 00:19:17,301 и потом объявил, что кровотечение статуи Девы Марии...
00:19:17,301 --> 00:19:19,131 - это не чудо!
00:19:19,531 --> 00:19:20,431 Что?
00:19:20,431 --> 00:19:25,731 После тщательного исследования Папа выяснил, что кровь появляется не из жопы Девы Марии,
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,931 а из её влагалища.
00:19:27,931 --> 00:19:29,501 И Папа сказал, цитирую:
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,231 "Если кровь идёт у тёлки из влагалища, это не чудо.
00:19:32,331 --> 00:19:35,531 У тёлок всё время идёт кровь из влагалища".
00:19:35,831 --> 00:19:38,331 Том?
00:19:39,231 --> 00:19:43,631 Это значит... Я не исцелён. Я всё ещё болен!
00:19:43,731 --> 00:19:45,731 Бармен! Мне надо выпить!
00:19:46,031 --> 00:19:51,631 Три порции "МакАллена", два шкалика водки, три бутылки пива и немного "Джелл-О". Давай! Быстрей!
00:19:51,731 --> 00:19:53,041 Рэнди, что ты делаешь?
00:19:53,041 --> 00:19:57,631 Ты слышал, что он сказал! Высшая сила не исцелила меня! Я опять бессилен!
00:19:57,931 --> 00:19:59,751 Я, я тоже бессилен!
00:20:00,051 --> 00:20:01,031 Я тоже!
00:20:01,231 --> 00:20:02,911 Дайте мне семь мартини!
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,031 "Джек и Кок"!
00:20:05,031 --> 00:20:06,931 Пап, пап, остановись!
00:20:07,731 --> 00:20:10,031 Прости, сынок. Я сорвался.
00:20:10,131 --> 00:20:11,931 Пап, не надо это делать.
00:20:12,631 --> 00:20:16,131 У тебя есть сила. Ты не пил с тех пор, как увидел статую.
00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:18,531 Но статуя была не чудом!
00:20:18,731 --> 00:20:22,631 Да, статуя не была чудом, папа. Это значит ты сделал это.
00:20:22,731 --> 00:20:26,031 Это значит, ты сам смог не пить пять дней.
00:20:29,731 --> 00:20:34,631 Ты прав, Стэн. Если это не Бог заставил меня прекратить пить, значит... это я сам.
00:20:34,931 --> 00:20:39,231 Может быть... Может быть, я могу заставить себя никогда больше не пить.
00:20:39,631 --> 00:20:40,631 Нет!
00:20:40,831 --> 00:20:41,731 Нет?
00:20:41,731 --> 00:20:45,631 Папа, ты любишь выпить. Выпивай иногда. Немного.
00:20:45,731 --> 00:20:48,831 Если ты всю жизнь будешь избегать чего-то, что тебе нравится,
00:20:48,931 --> 00:20:52,731 тогда это всё ещё будет управлять твоей жизнью, и тогда ты так никогда и не научишься дисциприне.
00:20:53,231 --> 00:20:57,131 Но, возможно, я такой человек, которому нужно всё или ничего.
00:20:57,331 --> 00:21:03,131 Не. Всё или ничего - это просто. А научиться пить понемножку, в меру - это дисциприна.
00:21:03,331 --> 00:21:06,031 Дисциприна приходит изнутри.
00:21:10,531 --> 00:21:13,831 И как только мне удалось вырастить такого умного ребёнка?
00:21:14,331 --> 00:21:16,211 У меня был отличный учитель.
00:21:16,611 --> 00:21:17,931 Спасибо, сынок.
00:21:18,231 --> 00:21:20,531 Нет, не ты, мой учитель карате. Он очень умный.
00:21:20,631 --> 00:21:25,881 О. Ну, вот что я тебе скажу: давай оставим машину здесь, пойдём домой и посмотрим игру.
00:21:25,881 --> 00:21:27,231 Я возьму бутылочку-другую пива.
00:21:27,331 --> 00:21:28,381 Круто!
00:21:28,381 --> 00:21:29,431 Пошли!
00:21:31,031 --> 00:21:32,481 А может быть, я могу взять три бутылки.
00:21:32,481 --> 00:21:34,431 Наверное, будет нормально, если ты не выпьешь их сразу.
00:21:34,431 --> 00:21:35,431 А как насчёт четырёх?
00:21:35,431 --> 00:21:36,431 Думаю, ты справишься.
00:21:36,431 --> 00:21:37,431 Как насчёт двадцати?
00:21:37,431 --> 00:21:38,431 Это не дисциприна.
00:21:38,431 --> 00:21:39,951 Правильно, правильно. А водка считается?
00:21:40,251 --> 00:21:40,931 Папа!
00:21:44,431 --> 00:21:48,431 Перевод by ghost_kk, e-mail: ghost_kk@mail.ru

00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:12,430 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,325 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,703 - Oots! - Oots!
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,246 - Oots! - Oots!
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,581 - Oots! - Oots!
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:39,999 - Oots! - Oots!
00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:41,625 - Oots! - Oots!
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:42,877 Oots bung sah!
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,669 Oots!
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,755 Oots bung sah! Kyah!
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,132 Cartman-san, what are you doing?
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,884 I'm doing some sweet bung sah moves.
00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,927 I'm a little better than everyone else here.
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,430 Eric-san, you must follow direction.
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,931 You rack a dis-a-prin.
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,059 Nuh-unh! I don't rack a dis-a-prin!
00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:02,104 Yes! You all need more dis-a-prin!
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:06,025 True dis-a-prin come from within.
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,736 We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday.
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,946 Oots!
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,198 Dude, we got to hurry home!
00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:13,949 The final episode of "Lost" is on soon!
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:14,950 Yeah, let's go!
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,827 Wait. Where's my dad?
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:18,954 He knew he had to take us all home, too, right?
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:19,872 Yeah.
00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,250 Dad? Where the hell could he have gone?
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,877 Oh, hey. Sorry, boys.
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,045 Later, Randy!
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,338 All right. See ya, Nelson.
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,380 Dad, weren't you watching?
00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,132 I ran into Nelson from work.
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,259 We were over at the bar, watching the game.
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,386 Two-dollar margaritas! It was great.
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,347 All right. Come on. I'll drive you boys home.
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,100 - Are you sure you're all right? - Oh, yeah. I'll be fine.
00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,352 I got some beers to keep my buzz going.
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,944 Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:53,030 I'm not drinking and driving. I'm driving while I'm drinking!
00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,448 Right, boys?
00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,075 Sure. Whatever, dude.
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,744 Oh, I got to pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,037 What? Just pull over.
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,248 Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man.
00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,666 Give me that bottle.
00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,002 There's a reason
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,755 God made our penises like little hoses, boys.
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,132 Hold the wheel, Stan.
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,591 When you boys start driving,
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,343 you're gonna need to learn to do this, too.
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,345 - Oh! Whoa. - Dad, we're gonna crash!
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,013 Shh! I'm trying to concentrate!
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,974 Just hold the damn wheel.
00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,642 Dude, I think you're being followed.
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,018 Oh, yeah?
00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,937 Get off my ass, dickhole!
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,606 No, dude, it's the police.
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,191 Oh, crap!
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,361 Here, hold this!
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,779 Aw, it's all warm!
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,198 Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this. No problem.
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,409 I know how to deal.
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,912 License and registration, please.
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,791 What seems to be the officer, problem?
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:49,378 Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me?
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,504 Okay.
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,092 Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test.
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,927 Okay. No problem. Easy.
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,929 Stand over here, please. Right there.
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:02,641 Now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides.
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:03,851 Ooh.
00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,021 There! I did it. See? No problem.
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,440 And now touch your finger to your nose.
00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:10,733 Do what?
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,027 Touch your finger to your nose.
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:15,112 Oh, come on! That's impossible!
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:18,282 Just bring one hand to your nose like this.
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,867 Okay.
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,119 Okay. Hang on.
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,537 Okay.
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,956 All right. H-Hang -- Hang on.
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,166 Hold -- Hold on.
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,834 Oh, hang on. Hang on.
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,586 Dude, what the hell is he doing?
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,838 I think his pants are falling down.
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:36,133 What? What did I do? What did I do?!
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:43,140 Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing.
00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,726 Oh, Jesus!
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,979 This is so embarrassing.
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:52,983 You know, Stan, I'd say that your dad racks a dis-a-prin.
00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,822 I know. I didn't even get home until 2:30.
00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:00,574 Man, that was such a bummer.
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,201 Look, guys, about last night --
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,620 Can you just keep quiet about it?
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,621 Why?
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,748 Because I don't want everyone knowing, okay?
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,458 Can we please just keep this to ourselves?
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,001 All right, Stan. Sure.
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,629 Okay, children. Let's take our seats.
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,175 Today we will be continuing our study of economics.
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,512 But first we're going to hear from a motivational speaker.
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,306 The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,600 about the dangers of drunk driving.
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,478 Please welcome Stan's dad.
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,814 Oh, Jesus.
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,817 Well, uh, I'm supposed to tell you kids
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,278 about how bad drinking is.
00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,530 I did a little drinking and driving,
00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:40,948 and as part of my punishment,
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:44,618 I'm doing community-service work at schools like these.
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,162 Oh, that's very interesting, isn't it, kids?
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:53,627 Uh, y-you shouldn't drink because it leads to bad things.
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,422 I was in jail for the night, and, well, I guess --
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,465 I don't know. I -- Just don't drink.
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,552 But if you must drink, definitely don't drive.
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,430 I've definitely learned that firsthand.
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,682 Uh, that's all, I guess.
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,851 Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson,
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,019 haven't we, class?
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,229 If you don't make the right choices in life,
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:16,358 you could end up being a big loser, like Stan's dad.
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,611 Drinking and driving is for idiots.
00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:22,614 Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:25,367 I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:29,955 and say, "Is that who I want to be in 30 years,
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,791 getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,002 and talk about how pathetic I am?"
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,838 Thank you, Mr. Marsh. I think you made your point.
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,550 Hello again, everyone.
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,928 My name is Michael, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,348 Hi, Michael.
00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:50,768 As most of you know, I once lost my job and my family
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,061 because of my drinking.
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,314 But with the help of A.A., I've been sober for 10 years now.
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,985 Anybody have anything they want to tell the group for starters?
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:03,113 My name's Bill, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,448 Hi, Bill.
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:05,949 Hi, Bill.
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,868 I've been using the 12-step program
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,078 for about two months now,
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,538 and -- and I'm really turning my life around.
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,582 No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,168 for a pint of vodka for <i>this</i> cowboy!
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,337 That's great.
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,798 And I understand this is somebody's first A.A. meeting.
00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,925 Is that right?
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,761 Y-Yes. You, sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself.
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:32,601 Uh, my name's Randy, and...I just really like beer.
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,479 You have to admit you're an alcoholic.
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:40,025 But I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic.
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,902 Then why are you here?
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,987 Because I got a D.U.I.,
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:47,699 and so I'm required to attend A.A. meetings for two weeks.
00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,077 I was stupid one night and drank too much
00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,537 and then drove a car.
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,206 That was dumb, and I'm not gonna do it again.
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,584 Randy, you are powerless to make that decision.
00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,629 The only thing that works is the 12-step program.
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,256 Step one is admitting
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,925 that you are powerless to control your drinking.
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,303 Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps,
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,556 like believing that only a higher power, God,
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,682 makes you stop drinking,
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,851 and then turning your life over to that god
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,687 and humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses.
00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:18,439 W-Wait. Wait. Hold on.
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:22,025 I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing.
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,111 It's not religious.
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:26,071 You just have to admit there is some kind of god
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,449 which has power over you, and turn your life over to that god
00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:29,992 and ask him for forgiveness.
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,077 That's the 12-step program, not religion.
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:35,706 Look, I-I really just need to cut down on my drinking
00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,208 and never drive a car drunk again.
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:41,211 You <i>can't</i> just cut down on your drinking, Randy.
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,338 You need to know something.
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,507 You have a disease.
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,218 A-A disease?
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,638 That's right. Alcoholism is a disease.
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,475 You're sick, Randy. You're very, very sick.
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,185 And just like with most diseases,
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,771 you can't cure it yourself, and it's deadly.
00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,816 Oh, my God.
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,865 Dad, what the hell are you doing?
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,450 Hello, Stan.
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826 Dad, it's the middle of the day!
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,703 I thought you weren't gonna drink as much anymore!
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,830 No, Stan. You don't understand.
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,749 I have a disease.
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,375 Daddy's very sick.
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,794 What?! Did you go to your A.A. meeting?
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,796 Yes! They're the ones that told me.
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,132 I thought I could just quit drinking on my own,
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,343 but it's an illness, son.
00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,011 I have to admit that I'm powerless
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,387 to this terrible disease.
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,893 Dad, you've had enough. Just stop now.
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,228 I can't! I'm sick!
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,942 It's not fair!
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:47,319 Why did you give me this disease?
00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:57,120 Stan!
00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,164 Stan!
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,791 Stan.
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,251 Aw, God damn it!
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,586 Stan, I...need your help.
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,505 Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,258 I've got to try to take it easy from now on, son.
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,884 Get Daddy another beer, will you?
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,511 No! You don't need another beer!
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,304 I know that!
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,890 But this disease is just eating me up!
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,392 I hate my illness!
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,602 Dad, you just need to not drink so much.
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:21,770 It's very simple.
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,522 I wish it was that simple, son.
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,441 But if I don't give myself up to a higher power,
00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,819 this disease is gonna kill me dead.
00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:31,530 I'm afraid that the only thing that will cure me
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,323 is a miracle.
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,144 Es un milagro.
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,146 Es un milagro!
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:10,110 Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's Church in Bailey,
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,572 where what some call a miracle is taking place.
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:17,367 The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed...
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,494 out its ass.
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,623 The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes,
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,250 who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,543 late last night.
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,546 People from all over the state have flocked here to the church
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,673 to witness the apparent miracle firsthand.
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,551 Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening,
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,638 and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray.
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:40,641 Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood?
00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,643 Well, it may represent her sorrow
00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,312 over all the bad things going on in the world.
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,189 Why do you believe the Virgin Mary
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,816 is dripping blood out her ass?
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,028 As news of the miracle spreads,
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,572 hundreds are expected to show up here at the church,
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:59,159 hoping to witness the miracle and even cure their diseases.
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,288 Cure...Cure disease.
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,831 Stan!
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,714 My name is Harry, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,216 Hi, Harry.
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,093 I've been sober now for five years,
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,178 and I've learned that drinking iced tea
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,722 and getting more involved with my relationship with God
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,100 is -- is -- is way more fun than partying!
00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,851 I-It sure is.
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,978 Once I accepted that I was powerless
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,148 to control my drinking and my life, I put it in God's hands.
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,235 And now these meetings are the most fun thing I do!
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,488 Yeah!
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,740 Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,868 None of us are in charge. We're all powerless.
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,537 - We sure are. We're powerless. - That's right.
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,414 Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday,
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,165 and you all kind of messed him up
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,626 by telling him he had a disease.
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,795 Alcoholism <i>is</i> a disease.
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,463 No, i-it's not.
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,756 And you can't just go around
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,800 saying stuff like that to people like my dad.
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,427 H-He's a kind of a hypochondriac.
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,722 It <i>is</i> a disease because it's a physical dependency.
00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:03,390 That makes it a disease.
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,225 No. Cancer is a disease.
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,560 My dad needs to drink less.
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,438 He can't quit by himself. None of us could.
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,441 He needs divine intervention, spirituality.
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,234 No, he just needs a dis-a-prin.
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:17,237 But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,780 that he can't cure himself.
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,783 Young man, do you know anything about the 12-step program?
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,952 Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults.
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,121 I was the leader of one for a while.
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,374 God damn it.
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,377 The crowd grows larger every hour
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,087 as the statue of the Virgin Mary
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:38,842 continues to miraculously cry blood out her ass.
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,220 Cardinal Mallory has been sent by the Vatican
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:46,099 to determine whether this is a true miracle or not.
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,813 Right this way, Cardinal.
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,982 The blood always comes from the same area --
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,526 sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:25,138 It's a miracle.
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,732 Okay. Here we go.
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,859 Dad! Dad, what are you doing?!
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,028 I got to drive to Bailey.
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,489 Dad, you're drunk. You're not driving a car!
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:44,449 No, Stan. You don't understand.
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,034 There's a church in Bailey.
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,371 The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass.
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:51,498 What?!
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:55,001 They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power.
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,920 She can cure my alcoholism!
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,088 I'll be back soon!
00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,339 Dad, you can't drive.
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,132 Your license is suspended, remember?
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:02,300 If you get pulled over again,
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,052 you're gonna go to jail for 10 years!
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,055 All right.
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,557 Then you drive.
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,892 I'm 8!
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769 This is my only hope, Stan!
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:16,273 Either you drive this car or I will!
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,068 I sure hope this works.
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,070 No. No. It <i>will</i> work.
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,614 I have to put my faith in a higher power.
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,658 I have to believe that this will work.
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,160 There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan!
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,412 Where? I can't see!
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,163 Right here is good! Big pedal! Left pedal!
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,877 All right. Get my wheelchair out of the back.
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,421 Is that the line?
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,923 Oh, God!
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,552 Is this whole line people waiting to be cured?
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,638 Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago.
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,640 I feel like this is my only hope.
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,767 I know exactly how you feel.
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,227 I've got alcoholism.
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,270 Oh, my God.
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,271 Wait a minute.
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,481 Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there?
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,609 He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him.
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,068 Dad, let's just wait our turn.
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,528 I could die waiting in this line, Stan!
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,906 Come on. Let's go!
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:09,117 Hey, Josh Garrett! How you doing?
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,077 Oh. Hey, Randy. What happened to you?
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,121 I've got a disease -- alcoholism.
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,831 It's pretty serious. You?
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,000 My daughter has elephantitis.
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:23,506 We are the same, she and I.
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,717 Hey, what do you think you're doing, kid?
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,302 You're trying to cut in line!
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,845 I just -- My dad was --
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,182 You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter!
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,360 Praise Jesus.
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,157 This is taking too long. I'm gonna run out of beer.
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,659 - Stan! - What?
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,578 You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease.
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:54,788 Every couple minutes,
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:56,498 he gets out of line to go to the bathroom.
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,667 When he leaves next, let's take his place.
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,210 No, Dad! People will see!
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:01,920 The guy behind him is blind!
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,673 There he goes! Come on! Come on! Go, go, go!
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,637 Hey. I smell a butter!
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,889 He did! That kid just cut in line!
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,432 Back of the line, butter!
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,809 I'm going to die!
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,018 Dad, we're going back!
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,436 What's going on here?
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,980 This kid's cutting in line!
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,399 Please, Officer, you have to understand.
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:24,526 I need a miracle way more than these people.
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,696 I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it.
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,032 I understand. My -- My brother's an alcoholic.
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,867 Here. Let me push you to the front of the line.
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,620 Oh, bless you, sir! Bless you!
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,580 Excuse me. Out the way, please!
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,416 Alcoholic coming through!
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,006 She's beautiful.
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:48,174 Ahh.
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,802 Ahh!
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,940 I'm...not going to drink this.
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,067 I'm not going to drink this!
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,611 It's a miracle! I'm cured!
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,530 Yahoo-hoo!
00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:11,948 Praise Jesus!
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,117 Praise Mary, the blessed Virgin Mother!
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,786 Thank you! Thank you, God!
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:24,961 Good morning, family.
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,006 The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day.
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,134 It's just amazing.
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,219 I haven't had a drink in five days.
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,596 Praise Christ.
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:35,680 Praise Him.
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,266 - Praise Christ. - Praise Christ.
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,934 I've got another A.A. meeting today,
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,561 and guess where it's gonna be, Stan.
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,230 At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me!
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,732 Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's house
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:46,816 to watch the Bronco game.
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,568 Kenny and Kyle's dads were hoping you'd come.
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,111 Stan, those people drink.
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,613 I have new friends now --
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,366 my A.A. friends, who have faith in a higher power.
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,830 Boy, this lemonade is great!
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,041 Who knew how fun being sober could be?
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,212 Your dad doesn't drink either?
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,464 No, my dad doesn't drink.
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591 Does that mean we're friends?
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,636 Excuse me. I'd like to address the group, if I may.
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,221 Sure, Randy. Go ahead.
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,556 I'm Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:19,974 Hi, Randy.
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,060 But I put my faith in a higher power,
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,604 and I haven't had a drink for five days now.
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,777 An incredible update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue.
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,779 Oh, hey. Shh. Shh. Hold on a second, gang.
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:37,075 Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict XVI himself,
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,910 visited the statue here in Bailey
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,329 to witness the miracle firsthand.
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,164 It was an amazing sight to behold
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,917 as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people.
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,877 Right this way, Your Holiness.
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,588 The pope then examined the statue closely.
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,151 After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand,
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,153 the pope then cleaned himself off
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,865 and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,783 is <i>not</i> a miracle!
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,410 What?
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:22,954 Having investigated closely, the pope determined
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,748 that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass,
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,792 but rather from her vagina.
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,502 And the pope said, quote...
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:37,010 Back to you, Tom.
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,220 Thanks, Edward. That's a very shocking story.
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,973 That means...I'm not cured.
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,683 I still have the disease.
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,852 Bartender, I need a drink!
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,688 Three shots of Macallen, two small bottles of vodka,
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,315 three bottles of beer, and some jello shooters!
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,649 Come on! Let's go!
00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,193 Randy, what are you doing?
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,945 You heard what he said! The higher power didn't cure me!
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,739 I'm powerless again!
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,991 I-I-I'm powerless, too!
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,075 Yeah! Me too!
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,535 Get me seven martinis!
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:03,995 Jack and Coke!
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,081 Dad! Dad, stop!
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,834 I'm sorry, son. I'm off the wagon.
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,295 Dad, you don't have to do this.
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,880 You have the power.
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,132 You haven't drank since seeing the statue.
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,676 But the statue wasn't a miracle.
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,887 Yeah, the statue wasn't a miracle, Dad.
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:22,430 So that means <i>you</i> did it.
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,557 That means you didn't have a drink for five days
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,017 all on your own!
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,272 You're right, Stan.
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:35,026 If God didn't make me stop drinking, then I did.
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:39,614 Maybe...Maybe I <i>can</i> force myself to never drink again.
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,740 No!
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:41,824 No?
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,744 Dad, you like to drink, so have a drink once in a while.
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,662 Have two!
00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:46,871 If you devote your whole life
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:48,998 to completely avoiding something you like,
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,416 then that thing still controls your life
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,502 and you've never learned any discipline at all.
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,921 But maybe I'm just the kind of person
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,298 who needs to have it all or nothing.
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,425 No. All or nothing is easy.
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,844 But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly --
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,304 that's a dis-a-prin.
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:06,266 Dis-a-prin come from within.
00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:14,274 How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:16,359 I've had a great teacher.
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,152 Thanks, son.
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:20,571 No, not you. My karate teacher. He's really smart.
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,740 Oh. Well, tell you what.
00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,618 Let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game.
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,287 I'd like to have another beer or two.
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,289 - All right! - Come on!
00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,750 Or maybe I'll have three beers.
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,460 That's probably okay if you spread it out.
00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,379 - Well, how about four? - I think you're pushing it.
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,423 - How about 20? - That's not dis-a-prin.
00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,008 Right, right. Does vodka count?
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,134 Dad!

00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:12,430 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,325 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,703 - INSTRUCTOR: Oots! - STUDENTS: Oots!
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,246 - INSTRUCTOR: Oots! - STUDENTS: Oots!
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,581 - Oots! - STUDENTS: Oots!
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:39,999 - Oots! - Oots!
00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:41,625 - Oots! - Oots!
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:42,877 Oots bung sah!
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,669 Oots!
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,755 Oots bung sah! Kyah!
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,132 Cartman-san, what are you doing?
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,884 I'm doing some sweet bung sah moves.
00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,927 I'm a little better than everyone else here.
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,430 Eric-san, you must follow direction.
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,931 You rack a dis-a-prin.
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,059 Nuh-unh! I don't rack a dis-a-prin!
00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:02,104 Yes! You all need more dis-a-prin!
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:06,025 True dis-a-prin come from within.
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,736 We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday.
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,946 - [ Speaks Japanese ] - ALL: Oots!
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,198 Dude, we got to hurry home!
00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:13,949 The final episode of "Lost" is on soon!
00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:14,950 Yeah, let's go!
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,827 Wait. Where's my dad?
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:18,954 He knew he had to take us all home, too, right?
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:19,872 Yeah.
00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,250 Dad? Where the hell could he have gone?
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,877 Oh, hey. Sorry, boys.
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,045 MAN: Later, Randy!
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,338 All right. See ya, Nelson.
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,380 Dad, weren't you watching?
00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,132 I ran into Nelson from work.
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,259 We were over at the bar, watching the game.
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,386 Two-dollar margaritas! It was great.
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,347 All right. Come on. I'll drive you boys home.
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,100 - Are you sure you're all right? - Oh, yeah. I'll be fine.
00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,352 I got some beers to keep my buzz going.
00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,482 [ Bottle clanks ]
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,944 Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:53,030 I'm not drinking and driving. I'm driving while I'm drinking!
00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,448 Right, boys?
00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,075 Sure. Whatever, dude.
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,744 Oh, I got to pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.
00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,037 What? Just pull over.
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,248 Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man.
00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,666 Give me that bottle.
00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,002 - [ Zipper opens ] - There's a reason
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,755 God made our penises like little hoses, boys.
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,132 Hold the wheel, Stan.
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,591 When you boys start driving,
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,343 you're gonna need to learn to do this, too.
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,345 - Oh! Whoa. - Dad, we're gonna crash!
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,013 Shh! I'm trying to concentrate!
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,974 Just hold the damn wheel. [ Urinating ]
00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,642 Dude, I think you're being followed.
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,018 Oh, yeah?
00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,937 Get off my ass, dickhole!
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,606 - No, dude, it's the police. - [ Siren wails ]
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,191 Oh, crap!
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,609 [ Police radio chatter ]
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,361 Here, hold this!
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,779 Aw, it's all warm!
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,198 Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this. No problem.
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,409 I know how to deal.
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,912 License and registration, please.
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,791 What seems to be the officer, problem?
00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:49,378 Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me?
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,504 Okay.
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,092 Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test.
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,927 Okay. No problem. Easy.
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,929 Stand over here, please. Right there.
00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:02,641 Now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides.
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:03,851 Ooh.
00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,021 There! I did it. See? No problem.
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,440 And now touch your finger to your nose.
00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:10,733 Do what?
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,027 Touch your finger to your nose.
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:15,112 Oh, come on! That's impossible!
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:18,282 Just bring one hand to your nose like this.
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,867 Okay.
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,119 Okay. Hang on.
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,537 Okay.
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,956 All right. H-Hang -- Hang on.
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,166 Hold -- Hold on.
00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,834 Oh, hang on. Hang on.
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,586 CARTMAN: Dude, what the hell is he doing?
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,838 KYLE: I think his pants are falling down.
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:36,133 What? What did I do? What did I do?!
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,845 [ Exhales deeply ]
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:43,140 Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing.
00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,350 [ Grunts ]
00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,726 Oh, Jesus!
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,979 This is so embarrassing.
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:52,983 You know, Stan, I'd say that your dad racks a dis-a-prin.
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,403 [ Indistinct conversations ]
00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,822 I know. I didn't even get home until 2:30.
00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:00,574 Man, that was such a bummer.
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,201 Look, guys, about last night --
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,620 Can you just keep quiet about it?
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,621 Why?
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,748 Because I don't want everyone knowing, okay?
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,458 Can we please just keep this to ourselves?
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,001 - All right, Stan. Sure. - [ Bell rings ]
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,629 Okay, children. Let's take our seats.
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,175 Today we will be continuing our study of economics.
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,512 But first we're going to hear from a motivational speaker.
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,306 The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,600 about the dangers of drunk driving.
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,478 Please welcome Stan's dad.
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,814 Oh, Jesus.
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,817 Well, uh, I'm supposed to tell you kids
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,278 about how bad drinking is.
00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,530 I did a little drinking and driving,
00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:40,948 and as part of my punishment,
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:44,618 I'm doing community-service work at schools like these.
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,162 Oh, that's very interesting, isn't it, kids?
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:53,627 Uh, y-you shouldn't drink because it leads to bad things.
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,422 I was in jail for the night, and, well, I guess --
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,465 I don't know. I -- Just don't drink.
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,552 But if you must drink, definitely don't drive.
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,430 I've definitely learned that firsthand.
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,682 Uh, that's all, I guess.
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,851 Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson,
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,019 haven't we, class?
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,229 If you don't make the right choices in life,
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:16,358 you could end up being a big loser, like Stan's dad.
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,611 Drinking and driving is for idiots.
00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:22,614 Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:25,367 I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:29,955 and say, "Is that who I want to be in 30 years,
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,791 getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,002 and talk about how pathetic I am?"
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,838 Thank you, Mr. Marsh. I think you made your point.
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,550 Hello again, everyone.
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,928 My name is Michael, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,348 ALL: Hi, Michael.
00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:50,768 As most of you know, I once lost my job and my family
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,061 because of my drinking.
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,314 But with the help of A.A., I've been sober for 10 years now.
00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,985 Anybody have anything they want to tell the group for starters?
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:03,113 My name's Bill, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,448 ALL: Hi, Bill.
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:05,949 Hi, Bill.
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,868 I've been using the 12-step program
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,078 for about two months now,
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,538 and -- and I'm really turning my life around.
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,582 No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,168 for a pint of vodka for <i>this</i> cowboy!
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,337 That's great.
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,798 And I understand this is somebody's first A.A. meeting.
00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,925 Is that right?
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,761 Y-Yes. You, sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself.
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:32,601 Uh, my name's Randy, and...I just really like beer.
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,479 You have to admit you're an alcoholic.
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:40,025 But I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic.
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,902 Then why are you here?
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,987 Because I got a D.U.I.,
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:47,699 and so I'm required to attend A.A. meetings for two weeks.
00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,077 I was stupid one night and drank too much
00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,537 and then drove a car.
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,206 That was dumb, and I'm not gonna do it again.
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,584 Randy, you are powerless to make that decision.
00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,629 The only thing that works is the 12-step program.
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,256 Step one is admitting
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,925 that you are powerless to control your drinking.
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,303 Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps,
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,556 like believing that only a higher power, God,
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,682 makes you stop drinking,
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,851 and then turning your life over to that god
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,687 and humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses.
00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:18,439 W-Wait. Wait. Hold on.
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:22,025 I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing.
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,111 It's not religious.
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:26,071 You just have to admit there is some kind of god
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,449 which has power over you, and turn your life over to that god
00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:29,992 and ask him for forgiveness.
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,077 That's the 12-step program, not religion.
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:35,706 Look, I-I really just need to cut down on my drinking
00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,208 and never drive a car drunk again.
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:41,211 You <i>can't</i> just cut down on your drinking, Randy.
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,338 You need to know something.
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,507 You have a disease.
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,218 - [ Dramatic music plays ] - A-A disease?
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,638 That's right. Alcoholism is a disease.
00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,475 You're sick, Randy. You're very, very sick.
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,185 And just like with most diseases,
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,771 you can't cure it yourself, and it's deadly.
00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,816 Oh, my God.
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,865 Dad, what the hell are you doing?
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,450 Hello, Stan.
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826 Dad, it's the middle of the day!
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,703 I thought you weren't gonna drink as much anymore!
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,830 No, Stan. You don't understand.
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,749 I have a disease.
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,375 Daddy's very sick.
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,794 What?! Did you go to your A.A. meeting?
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,796 Yes! They're the ones that told me.
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,132 I thought I could just quit drinking on my own,
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,343 but it's an illness, son.
00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,011 I have to admit that I'm powerless
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,387 to this terrible disease.
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:33,972 [ Coughs ]
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,016 [ Burps ]
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,893 Dad, you've had enough. Just stop now.
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,228 I can't! I'm sick!
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:42,064 [ Sobs ]
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,649 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,942 It's not fair!
00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:47,319 Why did you give me this disease?
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,364 [ Sobs ]
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,783 [ Shaver buzzing ]
00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:57,120 Stan!
00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,164 Stan!
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,791 [ Weakly ] Stan.
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,251 Aw, God damn it!
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,586 Stan, I...need your help.
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,505 Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,258 I've got to try to take it easy from now on, son.
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,884 Get Daddy another beer, will you?
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,511 No! You don't need another beer!
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,304 I know that!
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,890 But this disease is just eating me up!
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,392 I hate my illness!
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,602 Dad, you just need to not drink so much.
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:21,770 It's very simple.
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,522 I wish it was that simple, son.
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,441 But if I don't give myself up to a higher power,
00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,819 this disease is gonna kill me dead.
00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:31,530 I'm afraid that the only thing that will cure me
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,323 is a miracle.
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,995 [ Bell tolling ]
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,144 Es un milagro.
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,146 Es un milagro!
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:10,110 Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's Church in Bailey,
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,572 where what some call a miracle is taking place.
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:17,367 The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed...
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,494 out its ass.
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,623 The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes,
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,250 who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,543 late last night.
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,546 People from all over the state have flocked here to the church
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,673 to witness the apparent miracle firsthand.
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,551 Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening,
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,638 and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray.
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:40,641 Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood?
00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,643 Well, it may represent her sorrow
00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,312 over all the bad things going on in the world.
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,189 Why do you believe the Virgin Mary
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,816 is dripping blood out her ass?
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,028 As news of the miracle spreads,
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,572 hundreds are expected to show up here at the church,
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:59,159 hoping to witness the miracle and even cure their diseases.
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,288 [ Weakly ] Cure...Cure disease.
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,831 Stan!
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,714 My name is Harry, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,216 ALL: Hi, Harry.
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,093 I've been sober now for five years,
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,178 and I've learned that drinking iced tea
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,722 and getting more involved with my relationship with God
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,100 is -- is -- is way more fun than partying!
00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,851 I-It sure is.
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,978 Once I accepted that I was powerless
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,148 to control my drinking and my life, I put it in God's hands.
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,235 And now these meetings are the most fun thing I do!
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,488 MAN: Yeah!
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,740 Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,868 None of us are in charge. We're all powerless.
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,537 - We sure are. We're powerless. - That's right.
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,414 Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday,
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,165 and you all kind of messed him up
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,626 by telling him he had a disease.
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,795 Alcoholism <i>is</i> a disease.
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,463 No, i-it's not.
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,756 And you can't just go around
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,800 saying stuff like that to people like my dad.
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,427 H-He's a kind of a hypochondriac.
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,722 It <i>is</i> a disease because it's a physical dependency.
00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:03,390 That makes it a disease.
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,225 No. Cancer is a disease.
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,560 My dad needs to drink less.
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,438 He can't quit by himself. None of us could.
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,441 He needs divine intervention, spirituality.
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,234 No, he just needs a dis-a-prin.
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:17,237 But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,780 that he can't cure himself.
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,783 Young man, do you know anything about the 12-step program?
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,952 Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults.
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,121 I was the leader of one for a while.
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,374 God damn it.
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,377 REPORTER: The crowd grows larger every hour
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,087 as the statue of the Virgin Mary
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:38,842 continues to miraculously cry blood out her ass.
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,220 Cardinal Mallory has been sent by the Vatican
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:46,099 to determine whether this is a true miracle or not.
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,518 [ Dramatic music plays ]
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,813 Right this way, Cardinal.
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,982 The blood always comes from the same area --
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,526 sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,370 [ Farting ]
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:25,138 [ Irish accent ] It's a miracle.
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,349 [ Cheers and applause ]
00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:32,103 STAN'S DAD: [ Groaning ]
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,732 [ Burps ] Okay. Here we go.
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,859 Dad! Dad, what are you doing?!
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,028 I got to drive to Bailey.
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,489 Dad, you're drunk. You're not driving a car!
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:44,449 No, Stan. You don't understand.
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,034 There's a church in Bailey.
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,371 The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass.
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:51,498 What?!
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:55,001 They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power.
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,920 She can cure my alcoholism!
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,088 I'll be back soon!
00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,339 Dad, you can't drive.
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,132 Your license is suspended, remember?
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:02,300 If you get pulled over again,
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,052 you're gonna go to jail for 10 years!
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,055 All right.
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,557 Then you drive.
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,892 I'm 8!
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769 This is my only hope, Stan!
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:16,273 Either you drive this car or I will!
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,068 I sure hope this works.
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,070 No. No. It <i>will</i> work.
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,614 I have to put my faith in a higher power.
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,658 I have to believe that this will work.
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,160 There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan!
00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,412 Where? I can't see!
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,163 Right here is good! Big pedal! Left pedal!
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:33,874 [ Tires screech ]
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,877 All right. Get my wheelchair out of the back.
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,421 Is that the line?
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,923 Oh, God!
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,552 Is this whole line people waiting to be cured?
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,638 Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago.
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,640 I feel like this is my only hope.
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,767 I know exactly how you feel.
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,227 I've got alcoholism.
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,270 Oh, my God.
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,271 Wait a minute.
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,481 Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there?
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,609 He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him.
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,068 Dad, let's just wait our turn.
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,528 I could die waiting in this line, Stan!
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,906 Come on. Let's go!
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:09,117 Hey, Josh Garrett! How you doing?
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,077 Oh. Hey, Randy. What happened to you?
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,121 I've got a disease -- alcoholism.
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,831 It's pretty serious. You?
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,000 My daughter has elephantitis.
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,628 [ Rasping ]
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:23,506 We are the same, she and I.
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,717 Hey, what do you think you're doing, kid?
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,302 You're trying to cut in line!
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,845 I just -- My dad was --
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,182 You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter!
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:38,647 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,360 Praise Jesus.
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,157 This is taking too long. I'm gonna run out of beer.
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,659 - Stan! - What?
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,578 You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease.
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:54,788 Every couple minutes,
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:56,498 he gets out of line to go to the bathroom.
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,667 When he leaves next, let's take his place.
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,210 No, Dad! People will see!
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:01,920 The guy behind him is blind!
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,673 There he goes! Come on! Come on! Go, go, go!
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,637 Hey. I smell a butter!
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,889 He did! That kid just cut in line!
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,432 Back of the line, butter!
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,809 I'm going to die!
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,018 Dad, we're going back!
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,436 What's going on here?
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,980 This kid's cutting in line!
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,399 Please, Officer, you have to understand.
00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:24,526 I need a miracle way more than these people.
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,696 I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it.
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,032 I understand. My -- My brother's an alcoholic.
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,867 Here. Let me push you to the front of the line.
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,620 Oh, bless you, sir! Bless you!
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,580 Excuse me. Out the way, please!
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,416 Alcoholic coming through!
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,461 [ Chair squeaking ]
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,006 She's beautiful.
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:47,173 [ Farting ]
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:48,174 Ahh.
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,802 Ahh!
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,930 [ Farts ]
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,395 [ Grunts ]
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,940 I'm...not going to drink this.
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,067 I'm not going to drink this!
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,611 - It's a miracle! I'm cured! - [ Glass breaking ]
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,530 Yahoo-hoo!
00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:11,948 Praise Jesus!
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,117 Praise Mary, the blessed Virgin Mother!
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,786 Thank you! Thank you, God!
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:24,961 Good morning, family.
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,006 The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day.
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,134 It's just amazing.
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,219 I haven't had a drink in five days.
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,596 Praise Christ.
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:35,680 Praise Him.
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,266 - Praise Christ. - Praise Christ.
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,934 I've got another A.A. meeting today,
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,561 and guess where it's gonna be, Stan.
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,230 At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me!
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,732 Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's house
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:46,816 to watch the Bronco game.
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,568 Kenny and Kyle's dads were hoping you'd come.
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,111 Stan, those people drink.
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,613 I have new friends now --
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,366 my A.A. friends, who have faith in a higher power.
00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,287 [ Crowd cheering ]
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,830 Boy, this lemonade is great!
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,041 Who knew how fun being sober could be?
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,626 [ Crowd cheering ]
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,212 Your dad doesn't drink either?
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,464 No, my dad doesn't drink.
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591 Does that mean we're friends?
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,636 Excuse me. I'd like to address the group, if I may.
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,221 Sure, Randy. Go ahead.
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,556 I'm Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:19,974 ALL: Hi, Randy.
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,060 But I put my faith in a higher power,
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,604 and I haven't had a drink for five days now.
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,190 [ Cheers and applause ]
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,777 An incredible update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue.
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,779 Oh, hey. Shh. Shh. Hold on a second, gang.
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:37,075 Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict XVI himself,
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,910 visited the statue here in Bailey
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,329 to witness the miracle firsthand.
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,164 It was an amazing sight to behold
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,917 as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people.
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,877 Right this way, Your Holiness.
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,588 REPORTER: The pope then examined the statue closely.
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,227 [ Farting ]
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,151 After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand,
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,153 the pope then cleaned himself off
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,865 and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,783 is <i>not</i> a miracle!
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,410 What?
00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:22,954 Having investigated closely, the pope determined
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,748 that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass,
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,792 but rather from her vagina.
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,502 And the pope said, quote...
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:37,010 Back to you, Tom.
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,220 Thanks, Edward. That's a very shocking story.
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,973 - [ Dramatic music plays ] - That means...I'm not cured.
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,683 I still have the disease.
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,852 Bartender, I need a drink!
00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,688 Three shots of Macallen, two small bottles of vodka,
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,315 three bottles of beer, and some jello shooters!
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,649 Come on! Let's go!
00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,193 Randy, what are you doing?
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,945 You heard what he said! The higher power didn't cure me!
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,739 I'm powerless again!
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,991 I-I-I'm powerless, too!
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,075 Yeah! Me too!
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,535 Get me seven martinis!
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:03,995 Jack and Coke!
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,081 Dad! Dad, stop!
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,834 I'm sorry, son. I'm off the wagon.
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,295 Dad, you don't have to do this.
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,880 You have the power.
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,132 You haven't drank since seeing the statue.
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,676 But the statue wasn't a miracle.
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,887 Yeah, the statue wasn't a miracle, Dad.
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:22,430 So that means <i>you</i> did it.
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,557 That means you didn't have a drink for five days
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,017 all on your own!
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,519 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,272 You're right, Stan.
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:35,026 If God didn't make me stop drinking, then I did.
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:39,614 Maybe...Maybe I <i>can</i> force myself to never drink again.
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,740 No!
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:41,824 No?
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,744 Dad, you like to drink, so have a drink once in a while.
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,662 Have two!
00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:46,871 If you devote your whole life
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:48,998 to completely avoiding something you like,
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,416 then that thing still controls your life
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,502 and you've never learned any discipline at all.
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,921 But maybe I'm just the kind of person
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,298 who needs to have it all or nothing.
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,425 No. All or nothing is easy.
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,844 But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly --
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,304 that's a dis-a-prin.
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:06,266 Dis-a-prin come from within.
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:09,602 [ Music continues ]
00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:14,274 How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:16,359 I've had a great teacher.
00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,152 Thanks, son.
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:20,571 No, not you. My karate teacher. He's really smart.
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,740 Oh. Well, tell you what.
00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,618 Let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game.
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,287 I'd like to have another beer or two.
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,289 - All right! - Come on!
00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,750 - [ Music continues ] - Or maybe I'll have three beers.
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,460 STAN: That's probably okay if you spread it out.
00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,379 - Well, how about four? - I think you're pushing it.
00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,423 - How about 20? - That's not dis-a-prin.
00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,008 Right, right. Does vodka count?
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,134 Dad!
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:43,094 [ Music continues ]

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