Кровавая Мэри

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Итс банзай!

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Итс банзай! Кия!

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Картамана-сан! Что ты делаешь?

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Я сделал несколько классных движений банзай. Я немного лучше, чем все остальные здесь.

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Эрик-сан, ты должен следовать указаниям! Тебе не хватает дисциприны!

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Не-а, мне хватает дисциприны!

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Минасан, вам всем нужно больше дисциприны!

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Настоящая дисциприна... приходит изнутри.

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Наше время вышло. Встретимся во вторник.

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Чувак, надо торопиться домой. Скоро последняя серия "Остаться в живых".

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Да, пошли.

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Подождите. Где мой папа?

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Он знает, что должен взять нас всех домой?

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Да.

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Папа? Куда он, чёрт возьми, пропал?

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О, извините, мальчики.

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Пока, Рэнди.

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Увидимся, Нельсон.

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Папа, ты не смотрел?

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Ну, я встретился с Нельсоном с работы.

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Мы были в баре, смотрели игру. "Маргаритa" за 2 доллара! Это было отлично.

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Ладно, пошли, я отвезу вас домой.

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Вы уверены, что вы в порядке?

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Да, всё нормально. Я взял немного пивка.

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Папа, а разве можно пить и водить машину?

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Я не пью и вожу машину, я вожу, пока пью. Правильно, мальчики?

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Да, конечно, чувак.

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О, я хочу писать. Дай мне пустую бутылку, Стэн.

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А может просто остановиться?

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Стэн, ты должен узнать кое-что про мужчин! Дай мне эту бутылку!

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Вот почему Бог сделал наши члены похожими на маленькие трубки, мальчики.

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Подержи руль, Стэн.

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Когда вы начнёте водить машину, мальчики, вы должны будете научиться делать это.

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Папа, мы разобьёмся!

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Шшш, попробуй сосредоточиться! Просто держи чёртов руль!

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Чувак, по-моему, за нами едут.

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Да? Слезай с моей жопы, мудак!

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Не, чувак, это полиция.

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А, дерьмо!

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Вот, подержи это.

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Фу, она тёплая!

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Просто успокойтесь! Я позабочусь об этом, без проблем. Я знаю, как договориться.

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Лицензию и регистрацию, пожалуйста.

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В чём офицер, проблема?

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Сэр, не могли бы вы выйти из машины?

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Ладно.

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Сэр, я проверю вас на трезвость.

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Ладно, без проблем. Легко.

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Встаньте сюда, пожалуйста. Прямо сюда. Хорошо, теперь вытяните руки в стороны.

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Вот! Я сделал это, видите?! Без проблем!

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А теперь прикоснитесь пальцем к носу.

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Что сделать?

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Прикоснитесь пальцем к носу.

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Да ладно, это невозможно!

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Просто поднесите руку к носу, вот так.

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Хорошо, подождите. Подождите.

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Подождите. Минутку. Подождите, подождите.

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Чувак, что он делает, чёрт возьми?

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По-моему, у него штаны спали.

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Что? Что я сделал? Что я сделал?

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Дуйте. Дуйте. Дуйте.

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О, Господи!

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Это таак стыдно.

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Знаешь, Стэн, я думаю, твоему папе не хватает дисциприны.

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Знаешь, я не был дома до 2:30.

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Это был такой облом!

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Эй, пацаны, насчёт прошой ночи. Можете помолчать об этом?

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Почему?

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Потому, что я не хочу, чтобы все знали, понятно?

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Можем мы держать это при себе?

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Хорошо, Стэн. Конечно.

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Ладно, дети, присаживайтесь.

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Сегодня мы продолжим изучение экономики. Но сначала мы послушаем поучительный доклад.

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Государство посылает людей, чтобы рассказать вам, как опасно пить за рулём.

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Поприветствуйте папу Стэна.

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О, Господи!

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Ну, я должен рассказать вам, ребята, что пить - это плохо...

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Я н-немного выпил и вёл машину. Как часть наказания, я...

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должен заниматься общественной работой в школах.

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О, это очень интересно, правда, дети?

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Эээ, вы не должны пить, потому что это плохо кончается.

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Меня посадили в тюрьму на ночь, и я думаю, я не...

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Просто не пейте, но... Если вам надо выпить, тогда точно не надо водить машину, я...

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узнал это из первых рук, и... Это всё, я думаю.

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...Итак, я думаю, мы все получили важный урок, правда, класс?

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Если вы не сделаете правильный выбор в жизни, вы закончите полным неудачником, как папа Стэна.

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Пьяное вождение - это для идиотов. Никто не хочет закончить как папа Стэна, правда?

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Я хочу, чтобы вы хорошенько посмотрели на папу Стэна и сказали: "Это тот, кем я хочу стать в 30 лет?

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Получать штрафы и ходить в начальные школы, чтобы рассказать, как я сожалею?"

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Спасибо, мистер Марш, я думаю, вы достигли цели.

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Привет всем, меня зовут Майкл, и... я алкоголик.

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Привет, Майкл.

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Как большинство из вас знают, я потерял семью и работу из-за того, что я пил.

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Но, с помощью АА, я не пил уже десять лет.

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Кто-нибудь хочет что-то сказать группе?

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Меня зовут Билл, и я алкоголик.

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Привет, Билл.

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Привет, Билл.

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Я использую 12-этапную программу уже два месяца, и моя жизнь полностью изменилась.

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Больше не буду сосать у парней на Колфакс Авеню за поллитра водки.

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Отлично. Я знаю, для кого-то это первая встреча АА, так?

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Да, вы, сэр. Встаньте и представьтесь.

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Меня зовут Рэнди, и...

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я просто очень люблю пиво.

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Вы должны признаться, что вы алкоголик.

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Но я не думаю, что я на самом деле алко-голик.

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Тогда почему вы здесь?

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Потому что я ездил пьяным и поэтому должен посещать собрания АА две недели.

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Я однажды сдурил, выпил слишком много и потом сел за руль.

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Это было тупо, и я больше не буду так делать.

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Рэнди, вы не можете сделать это решение.

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Единственное, что поможет, это 12-этапная программа.

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Шаг 1 - признать, что вы не можете контролировать себя, когда пьёте.

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Только тогда вы можете перейти к другим 12 шагам,

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например, поверить, что только высшая сила - Бог - может помочь вам прекратить пить.

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И потом, повернуть свою жизнь к Богу, и

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смиренно просить Бога снять вашу слабость.

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Стоп, стоп, подождите. Я не знал, что Анонимные Алкоголики - религиозное общество.

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Нет, не религиозное. Вы просто должны признать, что существует нечто вроде бога,

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что имеет над вами власть, повернуть свою жизнь к богу и попросить у него прощения.

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Это 12-этапная программа, а не религия.

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Послушайте, мне... Мне просто нужно поменьше пить и больше никогда не водить машину пьяным.

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Вы не можете просто поменьше пить, Рэнди.

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Вы должны узнать кое-что. У вас болезнь.

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Болезнь?

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Правильно, алкоголизм - это болезнь.

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Вы больны, Рэнди. Вы очень-очень больны.

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И, как большинство других заболеваний, вы не можете вылечить это сами. И это смертельно.

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Боже мой!

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Пап, какого чёрта ты делаешь?

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Привет, Стэн.

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Пап, сейчас середина дня! Я думал, ты никогда больше не будешь так много пить!

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Нет, Стэн, ты не понимаешь. У меня болезнь. Папочка очень болен.

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Что? Ты ходил на собрание АА?

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Да, они и рассказали мне.

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Я думал, что смогу сам завязать с выпивкой, но... это заболевание, сынок.

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Я должен признать, что я бессилен против этой ужасной болезни.

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Пап, хватит уже! Просто остановись!

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Не могу. Я болен!

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Это нечестно! Почему ты дал мне эту болезнь?

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Стэн! Стэн!

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Стэн.

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А, мать твою!

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Стэн, мне... нужна твоя помощь.

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Пап, что ты делаешь в запасном кресле дедушки?

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Ты должен привыкать к этому, сынок. Принесёшь папочке ещё пива, а?

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Нет, тебе не надо больше пива!

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Я знаю!

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Но эта болезнь просто пожирает меня! Я ненавижу свою болезнь!

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Пап, тебе просто не надо так много пить. Это очень просто.

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Хотел бы я, чтобы это было просто, сынок.

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Но если я не предоставлю себя высшей силе, эта болезнь может убить меня.

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Боюсь, единственное, что может вылечить меня... это чудо.

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Es un milagro. Es un milagro!

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Том, я стою в парке церкви святого Петра в Бэйли,

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где случилось нечто, названное чудом.

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Статуя Девы Марии начала кровоточить.

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Из жопы.

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Первым заметил феномен отец Гарольд Барнс,

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он увидел, что кровь появилась из жопы Девы Марии прошлой ночью.

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Люди со всей страны стекаются к этой церкви, чтобы наблюдать чудо своими глазами.

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Ну, мы услышали, что произошло это чудо, и мы захотели увидеть это сами и прийти помолиться.

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Как вы думаете, почему статуя Девы Марии кровоточит?

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Наверно, это символизирует её печаль о плохих вещах, которые происходят в мире.

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Как вы думаете, почему статуя Девы Марии кровоточит ИЗ ЖОПЫ?

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Новость о чуде распространяется, и сотни людей появляются у церкви,

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надеясь увидеть чудо и даже излечить свои болезни.

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Излечить... болезнь. СТЭН!

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Меня зовут Гарри, и я алкоголик.

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Привет, Гарри.

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Я не пью уже пять лет,

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и я понял, что пить чай со льдом и, и усиливать свою связь с Богом - это, это лучше, чем пьянки.

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Это, это точно.

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Когда я признал, что не могу контролировать себя и свою жизнь,

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я предоставил себя в руки Божьи, и теперь, эти собрания - самое интересное, что я могу сделать.

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Извините, кто здесь главный?

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Никто из нас не главный, мы все беспомощны.

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Конечно!

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Это правда!

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Мой отец вчера был здесь, и... вы как бы запутали его, сказали, что у него болезнь.

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Алкоголизм - это болезнь.

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Нет, не болезнь.

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И... вы не должны рассказывать такие вещи таким людям, как мой папа. Он, типа... ипохондрик.

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Это болезнь, потому что это физическая зависимость. Она делает это болезнью.

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Нет, рак - это болезнь. Моему папе надо меньше пить.

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Он не может завязать сам. Никто из нас не может. Ему нужно божественное вдохновение. Духовность.

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Нет, ему просто нужна дисциприна.

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Но благодаря вам, мой папа сейчас думает, что у него болезнь, которую он не может сам вылечить.

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Молодой человек, ты слышал что-нибудь про 12-этапную программу?

00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:25,916

Да, и ещё я слышал кое-что про секты. Я недавно был лидером одной.

00:12:28,016 --> 00:12:29,316

Твою мать!

00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:32,416

Толпа растёт с каждым часом,

00:12:32,516 --> 00:12:37,316

а статуя Девы Марии продолжает чудом плакать кровью.

00:12:37,616 --> 00:12:38,916

Из жопы.

00:12:39,016 --> 00:12:45,816

Кардинал Мэллори был послан Ватиканом, чтобы определить, настоящее это чудо или нет.

00:12:49,216 --> 00:12:51,216

Прямо сюда, кардинал.

00:12:52,516 --> 00:12:56,416

Кровь всегда появляется из того же места. Иногда меньше, иногда больше.

00:13:23,316 --> 00:13:25,216

Это чудо!

00:13:34,516 --> 00:13:36,116

О, ладно, поехали.

00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,316

Пап, что ты делаешь?

00:13:38,316 --> 00:13:40,316

Я должен поехать в Бэйли.

00:13:40,616 --> 00:13:42,616

Пап, ты пьяный. Тебе нельзя водить машину.

00:13:42,616 --> 00:13:44,616

Нет, Стэн, ты не понимаешь.

00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:49,516

В Бэйли есть церковь. Статуя Девы Марии кровоточит из жопы.

00:13:51,316 --> 00:13:52,416

Что??

00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,316

Говорят, её святая кровь из жопы обладает чудотворной целительной силой.

00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:58,216

Она может вылечить мой алкоголизм! Я скоро вернусь!

00:13:58,216 --> 00:14:01,416

Пап, тебе нельзя водить! У тебя забрали лицензию, помнишь?

00:14:01,416 --> 00:14:04,316

Если тебя опять остановят, ты попадёшь в тюрьму на 10 лет!

00:14:06,016 --> 00:14:07,466

Отлично...

00:14:07,766 --> 00:14:08,916

тогда ты поведёшь!

00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,466

...Мне восемь лет!

00:14:11,466 --> 00:14:12,916

Это моя последняя надежда, Стэн!

00:14:13,016 --> 00:14:16,116

Или ты поведёшь эту машину, или я!

00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:20,416

Надеюсь, это сработает.

00:14:20,616 --> 00:14:27,016

Нет. Нет, это точно сработает! Я поверил в высшую силу. Я поверил, что это сработает!

00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,516

Вот! Вот церковь! Остановись здесь, Стэн!

00:14:29,516 --> 00:14:30,666

Где? Я не вижу.

00:14:30,666 --> 00:14:33,016

Прямо здесь! Педаль тормоза! Левая педаль!

00:14:34,516 --> 00:14:36,616

Хорошо, достань моё кресло сзади.

00:14:38,116 --> 00:14:39,716

Это очередь?

00:14:40,316 --> 00:14:41,816

Боже!

00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,716

Все эти люди хотят исцелиться?

00:14:45,816 --> 00:14:50,716

Да. У меня обнаружили рак мозга два месяца назад. Чувствую, это моя последняя надежда.

00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:54,516

Я знаю, что вы чувствуете. У меня алкоголизм.

00:14:54,616 --> 00:14:55,816

Боже мой...

00:14:56,016 --> 00:14:58,956

Подожди-ка. Стэн, это не Джош Гаррет?

00:14:58,956 --> 00:15:00,916

Он из Саут-Парка. Может быть, мы можем встать в очередь с ним?

00:15:00,916 --> 00:15:02,496

Пап, давай просто подождём нашей очереди.

00:15:02,496 --> 00:15:05,216

Я могу умереть, пока жду в этой очереди, Стэн. Давай, идём!

00:15:06,916 --> 00:15:09,416

Эй, Джош Гаррет. Как дела?

00:15:09,516 --> 00:15:11,116

Привет, Рэнди. Что с тобой?

00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:15,016

У меня болезнь. Алкоголизм. Это очень серьёзно. А ты?

00:15:15,116 --> 00:15:17,816

У моей дочери элефантиаз.

00:15:21,316 --> 00:15:23,416

Мы одинаковы, она и я.

00:15:24,016 --> 00:15:25,866

Эй, что ты делаешь парень?

00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:27,716

Ты пытаешься пройти без очереди!

00:15:27,816 --> 00:15:29,466

Я просто... Мой папа...

00:15:29,466 --> 00:15:32,116

Ты обманщик! Мерзкий нарушитель очереди!

00:15:41,116 --> 00:15:43,316

Хвала Иисусу.

00:15:46,316 --> 00:15:50,216

Это слишком долго. У меня кончится пиво. Стэн!

00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:50,896

Чё?

00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:54,016

Видишь того мужика? Я думаю, у него болезнь почек.

00:15:54,016 --> 00:15:56,966

Каждые две минуты он выходит из очереди и идёт в туалет.

00:15:56,966 --> 00:15:58,916

Когда он уйдёт в следующий раз, давай займём его место.

00:15:59,016 --> 00:16:00,566

Нет, папа, люди увидят!

00:16:00,566 --> 00:16:02,116

Мужик за ним - слепой.

00:16:02,216 --> 00:16:04,216

Он идёт! Давай, давай! Пошли!

00:16:08,416 --> 00:16:11,016

Эй. Я чувствую обман.

00:16:11,316 --> 00:16:13,436

Да, этот мальчик только что прошёл без очереди!

00:16:13,436 --> 00:16:14,616

Давай назад, обманщик!

00:16:14,716 --> 00:16:16,256

Я умру!

00:16:16,256 --> 00:16:17,716

Пап, идём назад!

00:16:17,716 --> 00:16:18,966

Что тут происходит?

00:16:18,966 --> 00:16:20,216

Этот мальчик лезет без очереди!

00:16:20,316 --> 00:16:24,816

Пожалуйста, офицер, вы должны понять. Мне чудо нужно гораздо больше, чем всем этим людям.

00:16:24,816 --> 00:16:28,016

Я алкоголик, и я бессилен против этого.

00:16:28,716 --> 00:16:33,016

Понимаю. Мой брат алкоголик. Вот, давайте я подвину вас в начало очереди.

00:16:33,116 --> 00:16:35,416

Благослови вас Бог, сэр!

00:16:36,216 --> 00:16:39,216

Извините, уйдите с дороги, алкоголик едет.

00:16:43,816 --> 00:16:46,016

Она... прекрасна.

00:17:01,016 --> 00:17:06,116

Я... не буду... пить это. Я не буду пить это!

00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:08,916

Это чудо! Я исцелён!

00:17:10,416 --> 00:17:15,816

Хвала Иисусу! Хвала Марии, пресвятой матери! Спасибо! Спасибо, Господи!

00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:27,831

Доброе утро, семья. Господь воистину благословил нас на ещё один прекрасный день.

00:17:30,331 --> 00:17:34,631

Это просто удивительно. Я не пил уже пять дней. Хвала Иисусу.

00:17:34,831 --> 00:17:35,881

Воздайте Ему хвалу.

00:17:36,081 --> 00:17:36,901

Хвала Иисусу.

00:17:37,101 --> 00:17:38,131

Хвала Иисусу.

00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:41,831

Сегодня ещё одно собрание АА. Угадай, где оно будет, Стэн?

00:17:41,831 --> 00:17:44,031

В пиццерии Свистящего Вилли, ты можешь пойти со мной.

00:17:44,031 --> 00:17:46,791

Не, пап, все парни идут к Кайлу домой, смотреть игру Бронкос.

00:17:46,791 --> 00:17:48,631

Папы Кенни и Кайла хотели, чтоб ты пришёл.

00:17:48,731 --> 00:17:55,031

Стэн, эти люди пьют. У меня сейчас новые друзья. Мои друзья-АА, верящие в высшую силу.

00:17:59,231 --> 00:18:03,231

Блин, это замечательный лимонад! Кто знал, что быть трезвым так замечательно?

00:18:05,431 --> 00:18:07,331

Твой папа больше не пьёт?

00:18:07,331 --> 00:18:09,231

Нет, мой папа не пьёт.

00:18:09,531 --> 00:18:11,331

Значит, мы будем друзьями?

00:18:12,031 --> 00:18:14,811

Извините, могу ли я обратиться к группе?

00:18:14,811 --> 00:18:16,631

Конечно, Рэнди, давай.

00:18:16,831 --> 00:18:18,691

Я - Рэнди, и я алкоголик.

00:18:18,691 --> 00:18:19,931

Привет, Рэнди.

00:18:20,031 --> 00:18:24,431

Но я поверил в высшую силу, и... я не пью уже пять дней!

00:18:27,531 --> 00:18:30,931

Подробности о кровоточащей статуе Девы Марии!

00:18:31,031 --> 00:18:32,831

Подождите. Успокойтесь, мужики.

00:18:33,031 --> 00:18:39,031

Сегодня утром новый Папа Римский, Бенедикт XVI, лично посетил статую в Бэйли,

00:18:39,031 --> 00:18:41,031

чтобы увидеть чудо своими глазами.

00:18:41,731 --> 00:18:46,031

Это удивительно, наблюдать, как Папа Бенедикт прокладывает путь через толпу людей.

00:18:46,031 --> 00:18:47,831

Сюда, Ваше Святейшество.

00:18:48,331 --> 00:18:51,131

Папа внимательно осмотрел статую.

00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:13,031

После личного наблюдения феномена Папа очистился,

00:19:13,031 --> 00:19:17,301

и потом объявил, что кровотечение статуи Девы Марии...

00:19:17,301 --> 00:19:19,131

- это не чудо!

00:19:19,531 --> 00:19:20,431

Что?

00:19:20,431 --> 00:19:25,731

После тщательного исследования Папа выяснил, что кровь появляется не из жопы Девы Марии,

00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,931

а из её влагалища.

00:19:27,931 --> 00:19:29,501

И Папа сказал, цитирую:

00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,231

"Если кровь идёт у тёлки из влагалища, это не чудо.

00:19:32,331 --> 00:19:35,531

У тёлок всё время идёт кровь из влагалища".

00:19:35,831 --> 00:19:38,331

Том?

00:19:39,231 --> 00:19:43,631

Это значит... Я не исцелён. Я всё ещё болен!

00:19:43,731 --> 00:19:45,731

Бармен! Мне надо выпить!

00:19:46,031 --> 00:19:51,631

Три порции "МакАллена", два шкалика водки, три бутылки пива и немного "Джелл-О". Давай! Быстрей!

00:19:51,731 --> 00:19:53,041

Рэнди, что ты делаешь?

00:19:53,041 --> 00:19:57,631

Ты слышал, что он сказал! Высшая сила не исцелила меня! Я опять бессилен!

00:19:57,931 --> 00:19:59,751

Я, я тоже бессилен!

00:20:00,051 --> 00:20:01,031

Я тоже!

00:20:01,231 --> 00:20:02,911

Дайте мне семь мартини!

00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,031

"Джек и Кок"!

00:20:05,031 --> 00:20:06,931

Пап, пап, остановись!

00:20:07,731 --> 00:20:10,031

Прости, сынок. Я сорвался.

00:20:10,131 --> 00:20:11,931

Пап, не надо это делать.

00:20:12,631 --> 00:20:16,131

У тебя есть сила. Ты не пил с тех пор, как увидел статую.

00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:18,531

Но статуя была не чудом!

00:20:18,731 --> 00:20:22,631

Да, статуя не была чудом, папа. Это значит ты сделал это.

00:20:22,731 --> 00:20:26,031

Это значит, ты сам смог не пить пять дней.

00:20:29,731 --> 00:20:34,631

Ты прав, Стэн. Если это не Бог заставил меня прекратить пить, значит... это я сам.

00:20:34,931 --> 00:20:39,231

Может быть... Может быть, я могу заставить себя никогда больше не пить.

00:20:39,631 --> 00:20:40,631

Нет!

00:20:40,831 --> 00:20:41,731

Нет?

00:20:41,731 --> 00:20:45,631

Папа, ты любишь выпить. Выпивай иногда. Немного.

00:20:45,731 --> 00:20:48,831

Если ты всю жизнь будешь избегать чего-то, что тебе нравится,

00:20:48,931 --> 00:20:52,731

тогда это всё ещё будет управлять твоей жизнью, и тогда ты так никогда и не научишься дисциприне.

00:20:53,231 --> 00:20:57,131

Но, возможно, я такой человек, которому нужно всё или ничего.

00:20:57,331 --> 00:21:03,131

Не. Всё или ничего - это просто. А научиться пить понемножку, в меру - это дисциприна.

00:21:03,331 --> 00:21:06,031

Дисциприна приходит изнутри.

00:21:10,531 --> 00:21:13,831

И как только мне удалось вырастить такого умного ребёнка?

00:21:14,331 --> 00:21:16,211

У меня был отличный учитель.

00:21:16,611 --> 00:21:17,931

Спасибо, сынок.

00:21:18,231 --> 00:21:20,531

Нет, не ты, мой учитель карате. Он очень умный.

00:21:20,631 --> 00:21:25,881

О. Ну, вот что я тебе скажу: давай оставим машину здесь, пойдём домой и посмотрим игру.

00:21:25,881 --> 00:21:27,231

Я возьму бутылочку-другую пива.

00:21:27,331 --> 00:21:28,381

Круто!

00:21:28,381 --> 00:21:29,431

Пошли!

00:21:31,031 --> 00:21:32,481

А может быть, я могу взять три бутылки.

00:21:32,481 --> 00:21:34,431

Наверное, будет нормально, если ты не выпьешь их сразу.

00:21:34,431 --> 00:21:35,431

А как насчёт четырёх?

00:21:35,431 --> 00:21:36,431

Думаю, ты справишься.

00:21:36,431 --> 00:21:37,431

Как насчёт двадцати?

00:21:37,431 --> 00:21:38,431

Это не дисциприна.

00:21:38,431 --> 00:21:39,951

Правильно, правильно. А водка считается?

00:21:40,251 --> 00:21:40,931

Папа!

00:21:44,431 --> 00:21:48,431

Перевод by ghost_kk,

e-mail: ghost_kk@mail.ru

00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,325

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,703

- Oots!

- Oots!

00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,246

- Oots!

- Oots!

00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,581

- Oots!

- Oots!

00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:39,999

- Oots!

- Oots!

00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:41,625

- Oots!

- Oots!

00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:42,877

Oots bung sah!

00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,669

Oots!

00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,755

Oots bung sah!

Kyah!

00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,132

Cartman-san, what are you doing?

00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,884

I'm doing some

sweet bung sah moves.

00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,927

I'm a little better

than everyone else here.

00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,430

Eric-san,

you must follow direction.

00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,931

You rack a dis-a-prin.

00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,059

Nuh-unh!

I don't rack a dis-a-prin!

00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:02,104

Yes!

You all need more dis-a-prin!

00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:06,025

True dis-a-prin come from

within.

00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,736

We are out of time.

I will see you on Tuesday.

00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,946

Oots!

00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,198

Dude, we got to hurry home!

00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:13,949

The final episode of "Lost"

is on soon!

00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:14,950

Yeah, let's go!

00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,827

Wait.

Where's my dad?

00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:18,954

He knew he had to take us

all home, too, right?

00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:19,872

Yeah.

00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,250

Dad? Where the hell

could he have gone?

00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,877

Oh, hey. Sorry, boys.

00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,045

Later, Randy!

00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,338

All right.

See ya, Nelson.

00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,380

Dad, weren't you watching?

00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,132

I ran into Nelson from work.

00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,259

We were over at the bar,

watching the game.

00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,386

Two-dollar margaritas!

It was great.

00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,347

All right. Come on.

I'll drive you boys home.

00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,100

- Are you sure you're all right?

- Oh, yeah. I'll be fine.

00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,352

I got some beers

to keep my buzz going.

00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,944

Dad, aren't you supposed to,

like, not drink and drive?

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:53,030

I'm not drinking and driving.

I'm driving while I'm drinking!

00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,448

Right, boys?

00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,075

Sure.

Whatever, dude.

00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,744

Oh, I got to pee.

Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.

00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,037

What?

Just pull over.

00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,248

Stan, you need to learn

some things about being a man.

00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,666

Give me that bottle.

00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,002

There's a reason

00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,755

God made our penises

like little hoses, boys.

00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,132

Hold the wheel, Stan.

00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,591

When you boys start driving,

00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,343

you're gonna need to learn

to do this, too.

00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,345

- Oh! Whoa.

- Dad, we're gonna crash!

00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,013

Shh!

I'm trying to concentrate!

00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,974

Just hold the damn wheel.

00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,642

Dude, I think

you're being followed.

00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,018

Oh, yeah?

00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,937

Get off my ass, dickhole!

00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,606

No, dude, it's the police.

00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,191

Oh, crap!

00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,361

Here, hold this!

00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,779

Aw, it's all warm!

00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,198

Everybody just stay calm.

I can handle this. No problem.

00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,409

I know how to deal.

00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,912

License and registration,

please.

00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,791

What seems to be the officer,

problem?

00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:49,378

Sir, why don't you step out

of the car for me?

00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,504

Okay.

00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,092

Sir, I'm going to give you

a sobriety test.

00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,927

Okay. No problem.

Easy.

00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,929

Stand over here, please.

Right there.

00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:02,641

Now I want you to hold your arms

out at your sides.

00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:03,851

Ooh.

00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,021

There! I did it. See?

No problem.

00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,440

And now touch your finger

to your nose.

00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:10,733

Do what?

00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,027

Touch your finger to your nose.

00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:15,112

Oh, come on!

That's impossible!

00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:18,282

Just bring one hand

to your nose like this.

00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,867

Okay.

00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,119

Okay.

Hang on.

00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,537

Okay.

00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,956

All right.

H-Hang -- Hang on.

00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,166

Hold -- Hold on.

00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,834

Oh, hang on.

Hang on.

00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,586

Dude, what the hell is he doing?

00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,838

I think his pants

are falling down.

00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:36,133

What? What did I do?

What did I do?!

00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:43,140

Keep blowing. Keep blowing.

Keep blowing.

00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,726

Oh, Jesus!

00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,979

This is so embarrassing.

00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:52,983

You know, Stan, I'd say that

your dad racks a dis-a-prin.

00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,822

I know. I didn't even get home

until 2:30.

00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:00,574

Man, that was such a bummer.

00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,201

Look, guys, about last night --

00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,620

Can you just keep quiet

about it?

00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,621

Why?

00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,748

Because I don't want

everyone knowing, okay?

00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,458

Can we please just keep this

to ourselves?

00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,001

All right, Stan. Sure.

00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,629

Okay, children.

Let's take our seats.

00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,175

Today we will be continuing

our study of economics.

00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,512

But first we're going to hear

from a motivational speaker.

00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,306

The state has sent over somebody

to talk to you all

00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,600

about the dangers

of drunk driving.

00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,478

Please welcome Stan's dad.

00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,814

Oh, Jesus.

00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,817

Well, uh,

I'm supposed to tell you kids

00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,278

about how bad drinking is.

00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,530

I did a little drinking

and driving,

00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:40,948

and as part of my punishment,

00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:44,618

I'm doing community-service work

at schools like these.

00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,162

Oh, that's very interesting,

isn't it, kids?

00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:53,627

Uh, y-you shouldn't drink

because it leads to bad things.

00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,422

I was in jail for the night,

and, well, I guess --

00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,465

I don't know. I --

Just don't drink.

00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,552

But if you must drink,

definitely don't drive.

00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,430

I've definitely learned that

firsthand.

00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,682

Uh, that's all, I guess.

00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,851

Well, I think we've all

learned an important lesson,

00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,019

haven't we, class?

00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,229

If you don't make

the right choices in life,

00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:16,358

you could end up being

a big loser, like Stan's dad.

00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,611

Drinking and driving

is for idiots.

00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:22,614

Nobody wants to end up

like Stan's dad, do they?

00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:25,367

I want you all to take

a good look at Stan's dad

00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:29,955

and say, "Is that

who I want to be in 30 years,

00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,791

getting tickets and having to go

to elementary-school classrooms

00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,002

and talk about how pathetic

I am?"

00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,838

Thank you, Mr. Marsh.

I think you made your point.

00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,550

Hello again, everyone.

00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,928

My name is Michael,

and I'm an alcoholic.

00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,348

Hi, Michael.

00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:50,768

As most of you know,

I once lost my job and my family

00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,061

because of my drinking.

00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,314

But with the help of A.A., I've

been sober for 10 years now.

00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,985

Anybody have anything they want

to tell the group for starters?

00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:03,113

My name's Bill,

and I'm an alcoholic.

00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,448

Hi, Bill.

00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:05,949

Hi, Bill.

00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,868

I've been using

the 12-step program

00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,078

for about two months now,

00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,538

and -- and I'm really turning

my life around.

00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,582

No more blowing guys

on Colfax Avenue

00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,168

for a pint of vodka

for this cowboy!

00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,337

That's great.

00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,798

And I understand this is

somebody's first A.A. meeting.

00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,925

Is that right?

00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,761

Y-Yes. You, sir. Stand on up

and introduce yourself.

00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:32,601

Uh, my name's Randy,

and...I just really like beer.

00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,479

You have to admit

you're an alcoholic.

00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:40,025

But I don't know

if I'm really an alcoholic.

00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,902

Then why are you here?

00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,987

Because I got a D.U.I.,

00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:47,699

and so I'm required to attend

A.A. meetings for two weeks.

00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,077

I was stupid one night

and drank too much

00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,537

and then drove a car.

00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,206

That was dumb,

and I'm not gonna do it again.

00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,584

Randy, you are powerless

to make that decision.

00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,629

The only thing that works

is the 12-step program.

00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,256

Step one is admitting

00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,925

that you are powerless

to control your drinking.

00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,303

Only then can you move on

to the other 12 steps,

00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,556

like believing that only

a higher power, God,

00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,682

makes you stop drinking,

00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,851

and then turning your life over

to that god

00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,687

and humbly asking God

to remove your weaknesses.

00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:18,439

W-Wait. Wait.

Hold on.

00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:22,025

I never knew that Alcoholics

Anonymous was a religious thing.

00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,111

It's not religious.

00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:26,071

You just have to admit

there is some kind of god

00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,449

which has power over you, and

turn your life over to that god

00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:29,992

and ask him for forgiveness.

00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,077

That's the 12-step program,

not religion.

00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:35,706

Look, I-I really just need to

cut down on my drinking

00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,208

and never drive a car drunk

again.

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:41,211

You can't just cut down

on your drinking, Randy.

00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,338

You need to know something.

00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,507

You have a disease.

00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,218

A-A disease?

00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,638

That's right.

Alcoholism is a disease.

00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,475

You're sick, Randy.

You're very, very sick.

00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,185

And just like

with most diseases,

00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,771

you can't cure it yourself,

and it's deadly.

00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,816

Oh, my God.

00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,865

Dad, what the hell

are you doing?

00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,450

Hello, Stan.

00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826

Dad, it's the middle of the day!

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,703

I thought you weren't gonna

drink as much anymore!

00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,830

No, Stan.

You don't understand.

00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,749

I have a disease.

00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,375

Daddy's very sick.

00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,794

What?!

Did you go to your A.A. meeting?

00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,796

Yes!

They're the ones that told me.

00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,132

I thought I could just quit

drinking on my own,

00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,343

but it's an illness, son.

00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,011

I have to admit

that I'm powerless

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,387

to this terrible disease.

00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,893

Dad, you've had enough.

Just stop now.

00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,228

I can't!

I'm sick!

00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,942

It's not fair!

00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:47,319

Why did you give me

this disease?

00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:57,120

Stan!

00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,164

Stan!

00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,791

Stan.

00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,251

Aw, God damn it!

00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,586

Stan, I...need your help.

00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,505

Dad, what are you doing

in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?

00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,258

I've got to try to take it easy

from now on, son.

00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,884

Get Daddy another beer,

will you?

00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,511

No!

You don't need another beer!

00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,304

I know that!

00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,890

But this disease

is just eating me up!

00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,392

I hate my illness!

00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,602

Dad, you just need to not drink

so much.

00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:21,770

It's very simple.

00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,522

I wish it was that simple, son.

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,441

But if I don't give myself up

to a higher power,

00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,819

this disease is gonna kill me

dead.

00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:31,530

I'm afraid that the only thing

that will cure me

00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,323

is a miracle.

00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,144

Es un milagro.

00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,146

Es un milagro!

00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:10,110

Tom, I'm standing in the garden

of St. Peter's Church in Bailey,

00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,572

where what some call a miracle

is taking place.

00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:17,367

The statue of the Virgin Mary

has started to bleed...

00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,494

out its ass.

00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,623

The phenomenon was first seen

by Father Harold Barnes,

00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,250

who saw the blood coming

from the Virgin Mary's ass

00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,543

late last night.

00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,546

People from all over the state

have flocked here to the church

00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,673

to witness the apparent miracle

firsthand.

00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,551

Well, we just heard that

this miracle was happening,

00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,638

and we wanted to see it

for ourselves and come and pray.

00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:40,641

Why do you believe the

Virgin Mary is dripping blood?

00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,643

Well, it may represent

her sorrow

00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,312

over all the bad things going on

in the world.

00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,189

Why do you believe

the Virgin Mary

00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,816

is dripping blood out her ass?

00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,028

As news of the miracle spreads,

00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,572

hundreds are expected

to show up here at the church,

00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:59,159

hoping to witness the miracle

and even cure their diseases.

00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,288

Cure...Cure disease.

00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,831

Stan!

00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,714

My name is Harry,

and I'm an alcoholic.

00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,216

Hi, Harry.

00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,093

I've been sober now

for five years,

00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,178

and I've learned

that drinking iced tea

00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,722

and getting more involved

with my relationship with God

00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,100

is -- is -- is way more fun

than partying!

00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,851

I-It sure is.

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,978

Once I accepted

that I was powerless

00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,148

to control my drinking and my

life, I put it in God's hands.

00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,235

And now these meetings are

the most fun thing I do!

00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,488

Yeah!

00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,740

Uh, excuse me.

Who's in charge here?

00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,868

None of us are in charge.

We're all powerless.

00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,537

- We sure are. We're powerless.

- That's right.

00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,414

Uh, look,

my dad was here yesterday,

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,165

and you all

kind of messed him up

00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,626

by telling him he had a disease.

00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,795

Alcoholism is a disease.

00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,463

No, i-it's not.

00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,756

And you can't just go around

00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,800

saying stuff like that

to people like my dad.

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,427

H-He's a kind of

a hypochondriac.

00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,722

It is a disease because

it's a physical dependency.

00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:03,390

That makes it a disease.

00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,225

No.

Cancer is a disease.

00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,560

My dad needs to drink less.

00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,438

He can't quit by himself.

None of us could.

00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,441

He needs divine intervention,

spirituality.

00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,234

No, he just needs a dis-a-prin.

00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:17,237

But thanks to you people, my dad

now thinks he has a disease

00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,780

that he can't cure himself.

00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,783

Young man, do you know anything

about the 12-step program?

00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,952

Yeah, and I also know

a thing or two about cults.

00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,121

I was the leader of one

for a while.

00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,374

God damn it.

00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,377

The crowd grows larger

every hour

00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,087

as the statue of the Virgin Mary

00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:38,842

continues to miraculously

cry blood out her ass.

00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,220

Cardinal Mallory

has been sent by the Vatican

00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:46,099

to determine whether this is

a true miracle or not.

00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,813

Right this way, Cardinal.

00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,982

The blood always comes

from the same area --

00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,526

sometimes a little,

sometimes a lot.

00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:25,138

It's a miracle.

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,732

Okay. Here we go.

00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,859

Dad!

Dad, what are you doing?!

00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,028

I got to drive to Bailey.

00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,489

Dad, you're drunk.

You're not driving a car!

00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:44,449

No, Stan.

You don't understand.

00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,034

There's a church in Bailey.

00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,371

The statue of the Virgin Mary

is bleeding out her ass.

00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:51,498

What?!

00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:55,001

They say her divine ass blood

has miraculous healing power.

00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,920

She can cure my alcoholism!

00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,088

I'll be back soon!

00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,339

Dad, you can't drive.

00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,132

Your license is suspended,

remember?

00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:02,300

If you get pulled over again,

00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,052

you're gonna go to jail

for 10 years!

00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,055

All right.

00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,557

Then you drive.

00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,892

I'm 8!

00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769

This is my only hope, Stan!

00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:16,273

Either you drive this car

or I will!

00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,068

I sure hope this works.

00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,070

No. No.

It will work.

00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,614

I have to put my faith

in a higher power.

00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,658

I have to believe

that this will work.

00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,160

There! There's the church!

Stop right here, Stan!

00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,412

Where?

I can't see!

00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,163

Right here is good!

Big pedal! Left pedal!

00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,877

All right. Get my wheelchair

out of the back.

00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,421

Is that the line?

00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,923

Oh, God!

00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,552

Is this whole line

people waiting to be cured?

00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,638

Yeah. I was diagnosed with

brain cancer two months ago.

00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,640

I feel like this is

my only hope.

00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,767

I know exactly how you feel.

00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,227

I've got alcoholism.

00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,270

Oh, my God.

00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,271

Wait a minute.

00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,481

Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett

up there?

00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,609

He's from South Park. Maybe

he'll let us in line with him.

00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,068

Dad, let's just wait our turn.

00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,528

I could die waiting

in this line, Stan!

00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,906

Come on.

Let's go!

00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:09,117

Hey, Josh Garrett!

How you doing?

00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,077

Oh. Hey, Randy.

What happened to you?

00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,121

I've got a disease --

alcoholism.

00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,831

It's pretty serious. You?

00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,000

My daughter has elephantitis.

00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:23,506

We are the same, she and I.

00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,717

Hey, what do you think

you're doing, kid?

00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,302

You're trying to cut in line!

00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,845

I just -- My dad was --

00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,182

You're a butter!

You're a dirty line cutter!

00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,360

Praise Jesus.

00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,157

This is taking too long.

I'm gonna run out of beer.

00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,659

- Stan!

- What?

00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,578

You see that guy up there?

I think he has a kidney disease.

00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:54,788

Every couple minutes,

00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:56,498

he gets out of line

to go to the bathroom.

00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,667

When he leaves next,

let's take his place.

00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,210

No, Dad!

People will see!

00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:01,920

The guy behind him is blind!

00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,673

There he goes! Come on! Come on!

Go, go, go!

00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,637

Hey.

I smell a butter!

00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,889

He did!

That kid just cut in line!

00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,432

Back of the line, butter!

00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,809

I'm going to die!

00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,018

Dad, we're going back!

00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,436

What's going on here?

00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,980

This kid's cutting in line!

00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,399

Please, Officer,

you have to understand.

00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:24,526

I need a miracle

way more than these people.

00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,696

I'm an alcoholic,

and I'm powerless over it.

00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,032

I understand.

My -- My brother's an alcoholic.

00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,867

Here. Let me push you

to the front of the line.

00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,620

Oh, bless you, sir!

Bless you!

00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,580

Excuse me.

Out the way, please!

00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,416

Alcoholic coming through!

00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,006

She's beautiful.

00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:48,174

Ahh.

00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,802

Ahh!

00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,940

I'm...not going to drink this.

00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,067

I'm not going to drink this!

00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,611

It's a miracle! I'm cured!

00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,530

Yahoo-hoo!

00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:11,948

Praise Jesus!

00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,117

Praise Mary,

the blessed Virgin Mother!

00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,786

Thank you!

Thank you, God!

00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:24,961

Good morning, family.

00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,006

The Lord has truly blessed us

with another beautiful day.

00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,134

It's just amazing.

00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,219

I haven't had a drink

in five days.

00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,596

Praise Christ.

00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:35,680

Praise Him.

00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,266

- Praise Christ.

- Praise Christ.

00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,934

I've got another A.A. meeting

today,

00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,561

and guess where

it's gonna be, Stan.

00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,230

At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza,

so you can come with me!

00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,732

Dad, all the guys

are going to Kyle's house

00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:46,816

to watch the Bronco game.

00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,568

Kenny and Kyle's dads

were hoping you'd come.

00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,111

Stan, those people drink.

00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,613

I have new friends now --

00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,366

my A.A. friends, who have faith

in a higher power.

00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,830

Boy, this lemonade is great!

00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,041

Who knew how fun

being sober could be?

00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,212

Your dad doesn't drink either?

00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,464

No, my dad doesn't drink.

00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591

Does that mean we're friends?

00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,636

Excuse me. I'd like to address

the group, if I may.

00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,221

Sure, Randy.

Go ahead.

00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,556

I'm Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.

00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:19,974

Hi, Randy.

00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,060

But I put my faith

in a higher power,

00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,604

and I haven't had a drink

for five days now.

00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,777

An incredible update from

the bleeding Virgin Mary statue.

00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,779

Oh, hey. Shh. Shh.

Hold on a second, gang.

00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:37,075

Earlier today, the new pope,

Pope Benedict XVI himself,

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,910

visited the statue

here in Bailey

00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,329

to witness the miracle

firsthand.

00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,164

It was an amazing sight

to behold

00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,917

as Pope Benedict made his way

through the throngs of people.

00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,877

Right this way, Your Holiness.

00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,588

The pope then examined

the statue closely.

00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,151

After witnessing

the phenomenon firsthand,

00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,153

the pope

then cleaned himself off

00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,865

and then declared that

the bleeding Virgin Mary statue

00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,783

is not a miracle!

00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,410

What?

00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:22,954

Having investigated closely,

the pope determined

00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,748

that the blood was not coming

from the Virgin Mary's ass,

00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,792

but rather from her vagina.

00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,502

And the pope said, quote...

00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:37,010

Back to you, Tom.

00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,220

Thanks, Edward.

That's a very shocking story.

00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,973

That means...I'm not cured.

00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,683

I still have the disease.

00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,852

Bartender, I need a drink!

00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,688

Three shots of Macallen,

two small bottles of vodka,

00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,315

three bottles of beer,

and some jello shooters!

00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,649

Come on!

Let's go!

00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,193

Randy, what are you doing?

00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,945

You heard what he said!

The higher power didn't cure me!

00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,739

I'm powerless again!

00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,991

I-I-I'm powerless, too!

00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,075

Yeah!

Me too!

00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,535

Get me seven martinis!

00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:03,995

Jack and Coke!

00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,081

Dad!

Dad, stop!

00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,834

I'm sorry, son.

I'm off the wagon.

00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,295

Dad, you don't have to do this.

00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,880

You have the power.

00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,132

You haven't drank

since seeing the statue.

00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,676

But the statue wasn't a miracle.

00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,887

Yeah, the statue

wasn't a miracle, Dad.

00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:22,430

So that means you did it.

00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,557

That means you didn't have

a drink for five days

00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,017

all on your own!

00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,272

You're right, Stan.

00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:35,026

If God didn't make me

stop drinking, then I did.

00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:39,614

Maybe...Maybe I can force

myself to never drink again.

00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,740

No!

00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:41,824

No?

00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,744

Dad, you like to drink,

so have a drink once in a while.

00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,662

Have two!

00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:46,871

If you devote your whole life

00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:48,998

to completely avoiding

something you like,

00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,416

then that thing still controls

your life

00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,502

and you've never learned

any discipline at all.

00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,921

But maybe I'm

just the kind of person

00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,298

who needs to have it all

or nothing.

00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,425

No.

All or nothing is easy.

00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,844

But learning to drink

a little bit, responsibly --

00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,304

that's a dis-a-prin.

00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:06,266

Dis-a-prin come from within.

00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:14,274

How did I manage to raise

such a smart kid?

00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:16,359

I've had a great teacher.

00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,152

Thanks, son.

00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:20,571

No, not you. My karate teacher.

He's really smart.

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,740

Oh.

Well, tell you what.

00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,618

Let's leave the car here,

walk home, and watch the game.

00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,287

I'd like to have another beer

or two.

00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,289

- All right!

- Come on!

00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,750

Or maybe I'll have three beers.

00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,460

That's probably okay

if you spread it out.

00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,379

- Well, how about four?

- I think you're pushing it.

00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,423

- How about 20?

- That's not dis-a-prin.

00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,008

Right, right.

Does vodka count?

00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,134

Dad!

00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,325

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,703

- INSTRUCTOR: Oots!

- STUDENTS: Oots!

00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,246

- INSTRUCTOR: Oots!

- STUDENTS: Oots!

00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,581

- Oots!

- STUDENTS: Oots!

00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:39,999

- Oots!

- Oots!

00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:41,625

- Oots!

- Oots!

00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:42,877

Oots bung sah!

00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,669

Oots!

00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,755

Oots bung sah!

Kyah!

00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,132

Cartman-san, what are you doing?

00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,884

I'm doing some

sweet bung sah moves.

00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,927

I'm a little better

than everyone else here.

00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,430

Eric-san,

you must follow direction.

00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,931

You rack a dis-a-prin.

00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,059

Nuh-unh!

I don't rack a dis-a-prin!

00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:02,104

Yes!

You all need more dis-a-prin!

00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:06,025

True dis-a-prin come from

within.

00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,736

We are out of time.

I will see you on Tuesday.

00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,946

- [ Speaks Japanese ]

- ALL: Oots!

00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,198

Dude, we got to hurry home!

00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:13,949

The final episode of "Lost"

is on soon!

00:01:14,075 --> 00:01:14,950

Yeah, let's go!

00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,827

Wait.

Where's my dad?

00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:18,954

He knew he had to take us

all home, too, right?

00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:19,872

Yeah.

00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,250

Dad? Where the hell

could he have gone?

00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,877

Oh, hey. Sorry, boys.

00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,045

MAN:

Later, Randy!

00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,338

All right.

See ya, Nelson.

00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,380

Dad, weren't you watching?

00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,132

I ran into Nelson from work.

00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,259

We were over at the bar,

watching the game.

00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,386

Two-dollar margaritas!

It was great.

00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:36,347

All right. Come on.

I'll drive you boys home.

00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,100

- Are you sure you're all right?

- Oh, yeah. I'll be fine.

00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,352

I got some beers

to keep my buzz going.

00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,482

[ Bottle clanks ]

00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,944

Dad, aren't you supposed to,

like, not drink and drive?

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:53,030

I'm not drinking and driving.

I'm driving while I'm drinking!

00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,448

Right, boys?

00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,075

Sure.

Whatever, dude.

00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,744

Oh, I got to pee.

Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.

00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,037

What?

Just pull over.

00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,248

Stan, you need to learn

some things about being a man.

00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,666

Give me that bottle.

00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,002

- [ Zipper opens ]

- There's a reason

00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,755

God made our penises

like little hoses, boys.

00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,132

Hold the wheel, Stan.

00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,591

When you boys start driving,

00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,343

you're gonna need to learn

to do this, too.

00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,345

- Oh! Whoa.

- Dad, we're gonna crash!

00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,013

Shh!

I'm trying to concentrate!

00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:19,974

Just hold the damn wheel.

[ Urinating ]

00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,642

Dude, I think

you're being followed.

00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,018

Oh, yeah?

00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,937

Get off my ass, dickhole!

00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,606

- No, dude, it's the police.

- [ Siren wails ]

00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,191

Oh, crap!

00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,609

[ Police radio chatter ]

00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,361

Here, hold this!

00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,779

Aw, it's all warm!

00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,198

Everybody just stay calm.

I can handle this. No problem.

00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,409

I know how to deal.

00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,912

License and registration,

please.

00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:45,791

What seems to be the officer,

problem?

00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:49,378

Sir, why don't you step out

of the car for me?

00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,504

Okay.

00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,092

Sir, I'm going to give you

a sobriety test.

00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,927

Okay. No problem.

Easy.

00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,929

Stand over here, please.

Right there.

00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:02,641

Now I want you to hold your arms

out at your sides.

00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:03,851

Ooh.

00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,021

There! I did it. See?

No problem.

00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,440

And now touch your finger

to your nose.

00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:10,733

Do what?

00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,027

Touch your finger to your nose.

00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:15,112

Oh, come on!

That's impossible!

00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:18,282

Just bring one hand

to your nose like this.

00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,867

Okay.

00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,119

Okay.

Hang on.

00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,537

Okay.

00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,956

All right.

H-Hang -- Hang on.

00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,166

Hold -- Hold on.

00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,834

Oh, hang on.

Hang on.

00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,586

CARTMAN:

Dude, what the hell is he doing?

00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,838

KYLE: I think his pants

are falling down.

00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:36,133

What? What did I do?

What did I do?!

00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,845

[ Exhales deeply ]

00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:43,140

Keep blowing. Keep blowing.

Keep blowing.

00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,350

[ Grunts ]

00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:45,726

Oh, Jesus!

00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,979

This is so embarrassing.

00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:52,983

You know, Stan, I'd say that

your dad racks a dis-a-prin.

00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,403

[ Indistinct conversations ]

00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,822

I know. I didn't even get home

until 2:30.

00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:00,574

Man, that was such a bummer.

00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,201

Look, guys, about last night --

00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,620

Can you just keep quiet

about it?

00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,621

Why?

00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,748

Because I don't want

everyone knowing, okay?

00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,458

Can we please just keep this

to ourselves?

00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,001

- All right, Stan. Sure.

- [ Bell rings ]

00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,629

Okay, children.

Let's take our seats.

00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,175

Today we will be continuing

our study of economics.

00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,512

But first we're going to hear

from a motivational speaker.

00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,306

The state has sent over somebody

to talk to you all

00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,600

about the dangers

of drunk driving.

00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,478

Please welcome Stan's dad.

00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,814

Oh, Jesus.

00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,817

Well, uh,

I'm supposed to tell you kids

00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,278

about how bad drinking is.

00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,530

I did a little drinking

and driving,

00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:40,948

and as part of my punishment,

00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:44,618

I'm doing community-service work

at schools like these.

00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,162

Oh, that's very interesting,

isn't it, kids?

00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:53,627

Uh, y-you shouldn't drink

because it leads to bad things.

00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,422

I was in jail for the night,

and, well, I guess --

00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,465

I don't know. I --

Just don't drink.

00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:01,552

But if you must drink,

definitely don't drive.

00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,430

I've definitely learned that

firsthand.

00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,682

Uh, that's all, I guess.

00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,851

Well, I think we've all

learned an important lesson,

00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,019

haven't we, class?

00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,229

If you don't make

the right choices in life,

00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:16,358

you could end up being

a big loser, like Stan's dad.

00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:19,611

Drinking and driving

is for idiots.

00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:22,614

Nobody wants to end up

like Stan's dad, do they?

00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:25,367

I want you all to take

a good look at Stan's dad

00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:29,955

and say, "Is that

who I want to be in 30 years,

00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,791

getting tickets and having to go

to elementary-school classrooms

00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:35,002

and talk about how pathetic

I am?"

00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,838

Thank you, Mr. Marsh.

I think you made your point.

00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,550

Hello again, everyone.

00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,928

My name is Michael,

and I'm an alcoholic.

00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,348

ALL:

Hi, Michael.

00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:50,768

As most of you know,

I once lost my job and my family

00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,061

because of my drinking.

00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:55,314

But with the help of A.A., I've

been sober for 10 years now.

00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:59,985

Anybody have anything they want

to tell the group for starters?

00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:03,113

My name's Bill,

and I'm an alcoholic.

00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,448

ALL:

Hi, Bill.

00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:05,949

Hi, Bill.

00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,868

I've been using

the 12-step program

00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,078

for about two months now,

00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,538

and -- and I'm really turning

my life around.

00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,582

No more blowing guys

on Colfax Avenue

00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,168

for a pint of vodka

for this cowboy!

00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,337

That's great.

00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,798

And I understand this is

somebody's first A.A. meeting.

00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:22,925

Is that right?

00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,761

Y-Yes. You, sir. Stand on up

and introduce yourself.

00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:32,601

Uh, my name's Randy,

and...I just really like beer.

00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,479

You have to admit

you're an alcoholic.

00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:40,025

But I don't know

if I'm really an alcoholic.

00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,902

Then why are you here?

00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,987

Because I got a D.U.I.,

00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:47,699

and so I'm required to attend

A.A. meetings for two weeks.

00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,077

I was stupid one night

and drank too much

00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,537

and then drove a car.

00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,206

That was dumb,

and I'm not gonna do it again.

00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,584

Randy, you are powerless

to make that decision.

00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,629

The only thing that works

is the 12-step program.

00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,256

Step one is admitting

00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,925

that you are powerless

to control your drinking.

00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,303

Only then can you move on

to the other 12 steps,

00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,556

like believing that only

a higher power, God,

00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,682

makes you stop drinking,

00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,851

and then turning your life over

to that god

00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,687

and humbly asking God

to remove your weaknesses.

00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:18,439

W-Wait. Wait.

Hold on.

00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:22,025

I never knew that Alcoholics

Anonymous was a religious thing.

00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,111

It's not religious.

00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:26,071

You just have to admit

there is some kind of god

00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,449

which has power over you, and

turn your life over to that god

00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:29,992

and ask him for forgiveness.

00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,077

That's the 12-step program,

not religion.

00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:35,706

Look, I-I really just need to

cut down on my drinking

00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,208

and never drive a car drunk

again.

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:41,211

You can't just cut down

on your drinking, Randy.

00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,338

You need to know something.

00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:45,507

You have a disease.

00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,218

- [ Dramatic music plays ]

- A-A disease?

00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,638

That's right.

Alcoholism is a disease.

00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,475

You're sick, Randy.

You're very, very sick.

00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,185

And just like

with most diseases,

00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,771

you can't cure it yourself,

and it's deadly.

00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,816

Oh, my God.

00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,865

Dad, what the hell

are you doing?

00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,450

Hello, Stan.

00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,826

Dad, it's the middle of the day!

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,703

I thought you weren't gonna

drink as much anymore!

00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,830

No, Stan.

You don't understand.

00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,749

I have a disease.

00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,375

Daddy's very sick.

00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,794

What?!

Did you go to your A.A. meeting?

00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,796

Yes!

They're the ones that told me.

00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,132

I thought I could just quit

drinking on my own,

00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,343

but it's an illness, son.

00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,011

I have to admit

that I'm powerless

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,387

to this terrible disease.

00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:33,972

[ Coughs ]

00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,016

[ Burps ]

00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,893

Dad, you've had enough.

Just stop now.

00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,228

I can't!

I'm sick!

00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:42,064

[ Sobs ]

00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,649

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,942

It's not fair!

00:08:45,067 --> 00:08:47,319

Why did you give me

this disease?

00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,364

[ Sobs ]

00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,783

[ Shaver buzzing ]

00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:57,120

Stan!

00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,164

Stan!

00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,791

[ Weakly ]

Stan.

00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,251

Aw, God damn it!

00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,586

Stan, I...need your help.

00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,505

Dad, what are you doing

in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?

00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:09,258

I've got to try to take it easy

from now on, son.

00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,884

Get Daddy another beer,

will you?

00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,511

No!

You don't need another beer!

00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,304

I know that!

00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,890

But this disease

is just eating me up!

00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,392

I hate my illness!

00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,602

Dad, you just need to not drink

so much.

00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:21,770

It's very simple.

00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,522

I wish it was that simple, son.

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:26,441

But if I don't give myself up

to a higher power,

00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,819

this disease is gonna kill me

dead.

00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:31,530

I'm afraid that the only thing

that will cure me

00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,323

is a miracle.

00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,995

[ Bell tolling ]

00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,144

Es un milagro.

00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,146

Es un milagro!

00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:10,110

Tom, I'm standing in the garden

of St. Peter's Church in Bailey,

00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,572

where what some call a miracle

is taking place.

00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:17,367

The statue of the Virgin Mary

has started to bleed...

00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,494

out its ass.

00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,623

The phenomenon was first seen

by Father Harold Barnes,

00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,250

who saw the blood coming

from the Virgin Mary's ass

00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,543

late last night.

00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,546

People from all over the state

have flocked here to the church

00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,673

to witness the apparent miracle

firsthand.

00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,551

Well, we just heard that

this miracle was happening,

00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,638

and we wanted to see it

for ourselves and come and pray.

00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:40,641

Why do you believe the

Virgin Mary is dripping blood?

00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,643

Well, it may represent

her sorrow

00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,312

over all the bad things going on

in the world.

00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,189

Why do you believe

the Virgin Mary

00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,816

is dripping blood out her ass?

00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,028

As news of the miracle spreads,

00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,572

hundreds are expected

to show up here at the church,

00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:59,159

hoping to witness the miracle

and even cure their diseases.

00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,288

[ Weakly ]

Cure...Cure disease.

00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,831

Stan!

00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,714

My name is Harry,

and I'm an alcoholic.

00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,216

ALL:

Hi, Harry.

00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,093

I've been sober now

for five years,

00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,178

and I've learned

that drinking iced tea

00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,722

and getting more involved

with my relationship with God

00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,100

is -- is -- is way more fun

than partying!

00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,851

I-It sure is.

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,978

Once I accepted

that I was powerless

00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,148

to control my drinking and my

life, I put it in God's hands.

00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:33,235

And now these meetings are

the most fun thing I do!

00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,488

MAN:

Yeah!

00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,740

Uh, excuse me.

Who's in charge here?

00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,868

None of us are in charge.

We're all powerless.

00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,537

- We sure are. We're powerless.

- That's right.

00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,414

Uh, look,

my dad was here yesterday,

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,165

and you all

kind of messed him up

00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,626

by telling him he had a disease.

00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,795

Alcoholism is a disease.

00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,463

No, i-it's not.

00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,756

And you can't just go around

00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,800

saying stuff like that

to people like my dad.

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,427

H-He's a kind of

a hypochondriac.

00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,722

It is a disease because

it's a physical dependency.

00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:03,390

That makes it a disease.

00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,225

No.

Cancer is a disease.

00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,560

My dad needs to drink less.

00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,438

He can't quit by himself.

None of us could.

00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,441

He needs divine intervention,

spirituality.

00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,234

No, he just needs a dis-a-prin.

00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:17,237

But thanks to you people, my dad

now thinks he has a disease

00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,780

that he can't cure himself.

00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,783

Young man, do you know anything

about the 12-step program?

00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,952

Yeah, and I also know

a thing or two about cults.

00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,121

I was the leader of one

for a while.

00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,374

God damn it.

00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,377

REPORTER: The crowd grows larger

every hour

00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,087

as the statue of the Virgin Mary

00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:38,842

continues to miraculously

cry blood out her ass.

00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,220

Cardinal Mallory

has been sent by the Vatican

00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:46,099

to determine whether this is

a true miracle or not.

00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,518

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,813

Right this way, Cardinal.

00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,982

The blood always comes

from the same area --

00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,526

sometimes a little,

sometimes a lot.

00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,370

[ Farting ]

00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:25,138

[ Irish accent ]

It's a miracle.

00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,349

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:13:29,810 --> 00:13:32,103

STAN'S DAD:

[ Groaning ]

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,732

[ Burps ]

Okay. Here we go.

00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,859

Dad!

Dad, what are you doing?!

00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,028

I got to drive to Bailey.

00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,489

Dad, you're drunk.

You're not driving a car!

00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:44,449

No, Stan.

You don't understand.

00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,034

There's a church in Bailey.

00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,371

The statue of the Virgin Mary

is bleeding out her ass.

00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:51,498

What?!

00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:55,001

They say her divine ass blood

has miraculous healing power.

00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,920

She can cure my alcoholism!

00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,088

I'll be back soon!

00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,339

Dad, you can't drive.

00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,132

Your license is suspended,

remember?

00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:02,300

If you get pulled over again,

00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,052

you're gonna go to jail

for 10 years!

00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,055

All right.

00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,557

Then you drive.

00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,892

I'm 8!

00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769

This is my only hope, Stan!

00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:16,273

Either you drive this car

or I will!

00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,068

I sure hope this works.

00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,070

No. No.

It will work.

00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,614

I have to put my faith

in a higher power.

00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,658

I have to believe

that this will work.

00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,160

There! There's the church!

Stop right here, Stan!

00:14:29,286 --> 00:14:30,412

Where?

I can't see!

00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,163

Right here is good!

Big pedal! Left pedal!

00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:33,874

[ Tires screech ]

00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,877

All right. Get my wheelchair

out of the back.

00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,421

Is that the line?

00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,923

Oh, God!

00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,552

Is this whole line

people waiting to be cured?

00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:48,638

Yeah. I was diagnosed with

brain cancer two months ago.

00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,640

I feel like this is

my only hope.

00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,767

I know exactly how you feel.

00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,227

I've got alcoholism.

00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:55,270

Oh, my God.

00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,271

Wait a minute.

00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,481

Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett

up there?

00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,609

He's from South Park. Maybe

he'll let us in line with him.

00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,068

Dad, let's just wait our turn.

00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,528

I could die waiting

in this line, Stan!

00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,906

Come on.

Let's go!

00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:09,117

Hey, Josh Garrett!

How you doing?

00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,077

Oh. Hey, Randy.

What happened to you?

00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,121

I've got a disease --

alcoholism.

00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,831

It's pretty serious. You?

00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,000

My daughter has elephantitis.

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,628

[ Rasping ]

00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:23,506

We are the same, she and I.

00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,717

Hey, what do you think

you're doing, kid?

00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,302

You're trying to cut in line!

00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,845

I just -- My dad was --

00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,182

You're a butter!

You're a dirty line cutter!

00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:38,647

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,360

Praise Jesus.

00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,157

This is taking too long.

I'm gonna run out of beer.

00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,659

- Stan!

- What?

00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,578

You see that guy up there?

I think he has a kidney disease.

00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:54,788

Every couple minutes,

00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:56,498

he gets out of line

to go to the bathroom.

00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,667

When he leaves next,

let's take his place.

00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,210

No, Dad!

People will see!

00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:01,920

The guy behind him is blind!

00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,673

There he goes! Come on! Come on!

Go, go, go!

00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,637

Hey.

I smell a butter!

00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,889

He did!

That kid just cut in line!

00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,432

Back of the line, butter!

00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:15,809

I'm going to die!

00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:17,018

Dad, we're going back!

00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,436

What's going on here?

00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,980

This kid's cutting in line!

00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,399

Please, Officer,

you have to understand.

00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:24,526

I need a miracle

way more than these people.

00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,696

I'm an alcoholic,

and I'm powerless over it.

00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:31,032

I understand.

My -- My brother's an alcoholic.

00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,867

Here. Let me push you

to the front of the line.

00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,620

Oh, bless you, sir!

Bless you!

00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,580

Excuse me.

Out the way, please!

00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,416

Alcoholic coming through!

00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,461

[ Chair squeaking ]

00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,006

She's beautiful.

00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:47,173

[ Farting ]

00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:48,174

Ahh.

00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,802

Ahh!

00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:53,930

[ Farts ]

00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,395

[ Grunts ]

00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,940

I'm...not going to drink this.

00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,067

I'm not going to drink this!

00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,611

- It's a miracle! I'm cured!

- [ Glass breaking ]

00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,530

Yahoo-hoo!

00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:11,948

Praise Jesus!

00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,117

Praise Mary,

the blessed Virgin Mother!

00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,786

Thank you!

Thank you, God!

00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:24,961

Good morning, family.

00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,006

The Lord has truly blessed us

with another beautiful day.

00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,134

It's just amazing.

00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,219

I haven't had a drink

in five days.

00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,596

Praise Christ.

00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:35,680

Praise Him.

00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,266

- Praise Christ.

- Praise Christ.

00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,934

I've got another A.A. meeting

today,

00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,561

and guess where

it's gonna be, Stan.

00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,230

At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza,

so you can come with me!

00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,732

Dad, all the guys

are going to Kyle's house

00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:46,816

to watch the Bronco game.

00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,568

Kenny and Kyle's dads

were hoping you'd come.

00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,111

Stan, those people drink.

00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,613

I have new friends now --

00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,366

my A.A. friends, who have faith

in a higher power.

00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,287

[ Crowd cheering ]

00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,830

Boy, this lemonade is great!

00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,041

Who knew how fun

being sober could be?

00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,626

[ Crowd cheering ]

00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,212

Your dad doesn't drink either?

00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,464

No, my dad doesn't drink.

00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591

Does that mean we're friends?

00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:14,636

Excuse me. I'd like to address

the group, if I may.

00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,221

Sure, Randy.

Go ahead.

00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,556

I'm Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.

00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:19,974

ALL:

Hi, Randy.

00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,060

But I put my faith

in a higher power,

00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,604

and I haven't had a drink

for five days now.

00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,190

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,777

An incredible update from

the bleeding Virgin Mary statue.

00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,779

Oh, hey. Shh. Shh.

Hold on a second, gang.

00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:37,075

Earlier today, the new pope,

Pope Benedict XVI himself,

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,910

visited the statue

here in Bailey

00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,329

to witness the miracle

firsthand.

00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,164

It was an amazing sight

to behold

00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,917

as Pope Benedict made his way

through the throngs of people.

00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,877

Right this way, Your Holiness.

00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,588

REPORTER: The pope then examined

the statue closely.

00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,227

[ Farting ]

00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,151

After witnessing

the phenomenon firsthand,

00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,153

the pope

then cleaned himself off

00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,865

and then declared that

the bleeding Virgin Mary statue

00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,783

is not a miracle!

00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,410

What?

00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:22,954

Having investigated closely,

the pope determined

00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,748

that the blood was not coming

from the Virgin Mary's ass,

00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,792

but rather from her vagina.

00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,502

And the pope said, quote...

00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:37,010

Back to you, Tom.

00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,220

Thanks, Edward.

That's a very shocking story.

00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,973

- [ Dramatic music plays ]

- That means...I'm not cured.

00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,683

I still have the disease.

00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,852

Bartender, I need a drink!

00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:48,688

Three shots of Macallen,

two small bottles of vodka,

00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,315

three bottles of beer,

and some jello shooters!

00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,649

Come on!

Let's go!

00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,193

Randy, what are you doing?

00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,945

You heard what he said!

The higher power didn't cure me!

00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,739

I'm powerless again!

00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,991

I-I-I'm powerless, too!

00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,075

Yeah!

Me too!

00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,535

Get me seven martinis!

00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:03,995

Jack and Coke!

00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,081

Dad!

Dad, stop!

00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,834

I'm sorry, son.

I'm off the wagon.

00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,295

Dad, you don't have to do this.

00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,880

You have the power.

00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,132

You haven't drank

since seeing the statue.

00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,676

But the statue wasn't a miracle.

00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,887

Yeah, the statue

wasn't a miracle, Dad.

00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:22,430

So that means you did it.

00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,557

That means you didn't have

a drink for five days

00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,017

all on your own!

00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,519

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,272

You're right, Stan.

00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:35,026

If God didn't make me

stop drinking, then I did.

00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:39,614

Maybe...Maybe I can force

myself to never drink again.

00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,740

No!

00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:41,824

No?

00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,744

Dad, you like to drink,

so have a drink once in a while.

00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,662

Have two!

00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:46,871

If you devote your whole life

00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:48,998

to completely avoiding

something you like,

00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,416

then that thing still controls

your life

00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:52,502

and you've never learned

any discipline at all.

00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,921

But maybe I'm

just the kind of person

00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,298

who needs to have it all

or nothing.

00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,425

No.

All or nothing is easy.

00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,844

But learning to drink

a little bit, responsibly --

00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,304

that's a dis-a-prin.

00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:06,266

Dis-a-prin come from within.

00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:09,602

[ Music continues ]

00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:14,274

How did I manage to raise

such a smart kid?

00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:16,359

I've had a great teacher.

00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,152

Thanks, son.

00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:20,571

No, not you. My karate teacher.

He's really smart.

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,740

Oh.

Well, tell you what.

00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,618

Let's leave the car here,

walk home, and watch the game.

00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,287

I'd like to have another beer

or two.

00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,289

- All right!

- Come on!

00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,750

- [ Music continues ]

- Or maybe I'll have three beers.

00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,460

STAN: That's probably okay

if you spread it out.

00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,379

- Well, how about four?

- I think you're pushing it.

00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,423

- How about 20?

- That's not dis-a-prin.

00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,008

Right, right.

Does vodka count?

00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,134

Dad!

00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:43,094

[ Music continues ]