Застрявший в чулане

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Эй, чуваки, зацените. У меня Джейк Пламмер.

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Блин, у меня опять дерьмовый Э. Джей Фили!

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А почему ты не купил карточку, Стэн?

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Мне нельзя тратить деньги. Я коплю на велосипед.

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Ха, копит деньги!

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Что будем делать? Сегодня суббота, и мы должны как можно лучше развлечься.

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О, я знаю! Пойдем поиграем в Кью-зар в Фанплексе.

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Не, я не хочу тратить деньги, пацаны.

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Давайте сделаем что-нибудь прикольное и бесплатное.

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Стэн, ты что, не знаешь первый закон физики?

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Всё прикольное стоит по крайней мере 8 долларов.

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Да, чувак, нет ничего, что прикольно и бесплатно.

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Ну, а мне нельзя тратить деньги.

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Ну и будь как жид. А мы пойдём поиграем в Кью-зар.

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Ага. Увидимся.

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Эй, не хочешь сделать личностный тест? Это прикольно и бесплатно.

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Извините?

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Мы делаем бесплатные личностные тесты сегодня.

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О, и что надо делать?

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Ты слышал о сайентологии? Это основано на книге "Дианетика".

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Многие замечательные люди - сайентологи, например, Том Круз и Джон Траволта.

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Давай войдём и начнём твой бесплатный личностный тест.

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Поищем пустую комнату. Много людей сегодня делают бесплатный тест.

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Привет, Брайан.

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Привет, Келли. Как дела?

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Отлично! Познакомся с моим новым другом, Стэном.

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Привет! Как у тебя дела?

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Нормально.

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Брайан сделает тебе личностный тест и расскажет тебе немного о сайентологии.

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Замечательно, замечательно!

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Эй, а это религия? А то моя семья вроде католики или типа того.

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О, это не пролема. Сайентология - это скорее альтернатива психологии, а не религия.

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Тогда почему здесь написано "церковь сайентологии"?

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О, вот что: какой сейчас рекорд у "Денвер Бронкос"? Шесть-два?

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Семь-два.

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Ого! Отлично! Хорошо, входи и присаживайся, мы немножко развлечёмся.

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Ладно, я просто задам тебе несколько вопросов.

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Отвечай на них как можно более правдиво.

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Вопрос 1:

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Ты когда-нибудь говорил что-то такое, о чём позже пришлось бы жалеть?

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Э, к-конечно.

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Ага.

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Ты предпочитаешь давать приказы или получать их?

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Да.

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Ты когда-нибудь свистел... просто ради удовольствия?

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Хорошо, и, наконец, иногда жизнь кажется тебе смутной и запутанной?

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Да.

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Ладно, Стэн. Это все. Конец твоего личностного теста.

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Ну, и как я?

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Ну, я не хотел тебе это говорить, Стэн, но...

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ты сильно запутался, парень.

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А?

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Да, я боюсь, ты абсолютно несчастен и сильно подавлен.

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Да? А я не и знал это!

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Ты, несомненно, отличный кандидат для сайентологии.

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Я думаю, это может сделать тебя опять счастливым.

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И что я должен делать?

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Это очень просто.

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Всё, что нужно - 240 долларов.

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Стэнли, ты не притронулся к еде. Что с тобой?

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Я сильно подавлен.

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Что? Почему?

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Не знаю.

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И давно ты так себя чувствуешь?

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Не уверен. Но... мне нужно 240 долларов.

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240 долларов? Что ты наделал, сломал что-нибудь?

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Нет, я нашёл программу самопомощи, она может мне помочь.

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О Господи, ответ - нет, Стэнли.

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Но я абсолютно несчастен, а эти люди могут помочь!

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Стэнли, я не знала, что ты несчастен.

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Я и сам не знал!

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Стэнли, ты что, ничего не знаешь про деньги? Деньги не растут на дереве.

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Тебе наплевать, что я подавлен?

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А если я покончу с собой или, или стану алкоголиком, как дедушка?

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Ааа?

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Ну, если тебе на самом деле так плохо, Стэн,

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почему бы тебе не взять то, что ты скопил на велосипед?

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Но... но это мои деньги.

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Ну, как и всем нам, тебе придётся выбирать, что делать с деньгами.

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Ты хочешь велосипед, или хочешь не быть подавленным?

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Мишель, нашему другу Стэну нужен одитинг.

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О, хорошо, ты станешь счастливым.

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Надеюсь.

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Это - начало новой жизни для тебя, Стэн. Увидимся позже.

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Отлично, у тебя есть 240 долларов?

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Замечательно. Давай начнём!

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Иди за мной, и я расскажу тебе, как работает Церковь Сайентологии.

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Видишь ли, Стэн, сайентология основана великим человеком по имени Л. Рон Хаббард.

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Мистер Хаббард обнаружил, что негативные эмоции на самом деле возникают из-за "телесных тетанов".

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Правда?

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Да! Мистер Хаббард был гением, и он открыл, как избавится от этих плохих тетанов.

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Это называется Е-метр.

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Это главный прибор сайентологии.

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Ты просто берёшься за эти ручки,

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а я говорю с тобой о событиях твоей жизни.

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Я возьму показания вот здесь, и мы определим твой уровень тетан.

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Уровень тетан...

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Пойдем в комнату одитинга, и я покажу тебе, как это работает.

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Все эти люди, так же как ты, Стэн,

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делают одитинг с Е-метрами, чтобы избавиться от негативных эмоций.

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Хорошо, Стэн, я хочу, чтобы ты расслабился и взялся за рукоятки Е-метра.

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И это сделает меня счастливым?

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Глубоко вздохни, а я получу базовые показания твоего уровня тетан.

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Гм, это, это странно.

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Что?

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Что-то... что-то не так. Брайан, можешь подойти на секундочку?

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Ага. О, привет, Грэг!

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Стэн.

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Посмотри на его уровень тетан.

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Хм, ну... Давайте возьмём другой Е-метр - этот, видимо, сломан.

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Извини, Грэг.

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Итак, мы просто проанализируем вашу личность,

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и если вам нужна помощь,

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мы можем дать вам консультацию за символическую плату.

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Ну, это звучит довольно благоразумно, пнятно.

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Майк, мне надо поговорить с тобой!

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Извините, сэр, я сейчас вернусь.

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Что с тобой? Ты аж вспотел!

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Посмотри на это.

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Что это?

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Результаты Е-метра маленького мальчика в комнате Д.

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Этого... Этого не может быть.

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Мы прогнали тест четыре раза! Использовали 4 разных Е-метра!

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Пошли это результаты в главный офис в Лос-Анджелесе.

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Президент должен увидеть это как можно быстрее.

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Иди! Быстрей!

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Мальчик из маленького горного городка в Колорадо, сэр.

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Сэр, как может быть такой уровень тетан при первом измерении?

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Он показал ОТ9! У меня только ОТ7, а я в церкви всю жизнь!

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Я ждал... 42 года... этот день.

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Сэр?

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Вы что, не видите, что это значит?

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Только у одного человека был зарегистрирован ОТ9 за всю истории нашей церкви.

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Л. Рон Хаббард говорил, что у него были прошлые жизни.

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Что когда он умрёт, его тетан покажется снова.

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Наш пророк вернулся.

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Э, Стэнли, вынеси мусор перед тем, как пойдёшь спать.

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Я вчера выбрасывал мусор.

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Немедленно, Стэн!

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А!

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Дебильный мусор!

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Вот он!

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Спасибо, что вернулся.

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Он замечательный. Он замечательный.

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Стэн! Что ты натворил?

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Не знаю!

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Привет, молодой человек. Я глава сайентологии.

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Это... большая честь - встретить вас!

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Хорошо, что здесь, чёрт возьми, происходит?!

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Мы искали вашего сына очень давно, мистер Марш.

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Он - реинкарнация знаменитого пророка нашей церкви.

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Что?

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Сайентологи всего мира празднуют его второе пришествие.

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Эй, мы не хотим, чтобы наш сын присоединялся к вашей группе, понятно?

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Мы просим его не присоединиться к нам, мы просим его... возглавить нас.

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Боже мой, это Джон Траволта!

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Здесь он живёт? Здесь Л. Рон Хаббард? Боже мой!

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Да, Джон Траволта и Том Круз - большие сайентологи.

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Сейчас вы мне верите?

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Молодой человек, я знаю, ты не помнишь это, но...

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тебя зовут Л. Рон Хаббард.

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Ты открыл секрет, который положил начало Церкви Сайентологии.

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Ладно, Стэн, уже поздно, иди в свою комнату и готовься спать!

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Мамочка и папочка позаботятся об этом.

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Господи Иисуси...

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Л. Рон? Л. Рон!

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Это правда вы! О, это величайший день в моей жизни.

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Ааа, чувак, мне надо спать.

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Вы не понимаете, Л. Рон? Это я! Том Круз!

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Да, я знаю, кто вы.

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Что вы обо мне думаете, Л. Рон?

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Вам нравится, как я играю? Какой фильм вам больше всего нравится?

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Ну, я считаю, вы не...

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вы не так хороши, как Леонардо ди Каприо, но вы ничего, я думаю.

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...Что?

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Я думаю, вы не Джин Хэкман или тот парень, который играл Взрывного Наполеона,

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но вы ничего.

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Я - ничто!

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Я - неудачник в глазах Пророка!

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Эй!

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Извини, чувак. Я не это хотел сказать.

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Уходи!

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Чувак, это моя комната!

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Я сказал, уходи!

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Папа! Том Круз не выходит из чулана!

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Что?

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Том Круз закрылся в моём чулане и не выходит.

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Мистер Круз? Мистер Круз, выходите из чулана.

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Нет!

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Давайте, мистер Круз, это просто нелепо.

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Я никогда не выйду!

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Что ты ему сказал?

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Я просто сказал, что думаю, что Взрывной Наполеон лучший актёр, чем он.

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О, блин.

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Мистер Круз, вы же не можете оставаться в чулане, правильно? Вам надо выйти.

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Что происходит?

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Том Круз не выходит из чулана.

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Что?

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Оставьте меня в покое!

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Но мы не можем оставить вас в покое, потому что вы не выходите из чулана!

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Прошло уже 4 часа, и Том Круз всё ещё не выходит из чулана.

00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:28,500

Сотни человек собрались здесь в надежде, что знаменитость наконец-то уступит.

00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:34,680

Том Круз, это полиция округа Парк! Пожалуйста, выходите из чулана.

00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,390

Все здесь просто ждут, пока вы выйдите из чулана, Том.

00:10:43,290 --> 00:10:47,780

Никто не сердится, всё будет в порядке. Просто выходите из чулана.

00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:51,230

Мы всё ещё не знаем, почему Том Круз в чулане,

00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:54,600

но к нам присоединился знаменитый певец и автор песен Р. Келли.

00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:59,500

Я стою здесь, а Том Круз закрылся в чулане.

00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:03,310

Я спрашиваю себя: почему Том Круз не выходит из чулана?

00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:05,960

Никто не знает ответ,

00:11:06,370 --> 00:11:08,370

и я достану свою пушку!

00:11:08,770 --> 00:11:12,510

Скажите, почему Том Круз не выходит из чулана, или я подстрелю кого-нибудь!

00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:17,330

Пожалуйста, поймите, мы хотим сделать лучше для вашего сына.

00:11:17,330 --> 00:11:20,830

Нужно заботиться о реинкарнации Л. Рона Хаббарда.

00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,310

У него много врагов.

00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:25,290

Но Л. Рон Хаббард был автором научной фантастики?

00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:31,070

Да. Но он был также пророком... знающим секретную истину о природе жизни.

00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:33,950

Это слишком много.

00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:38,050

Мы хотим открыть Стэну великий секрет нашей церкви о жизни.

00:11:38,050 --> 00:11:41,160

Бережно охраняемое учение сайентологии.

00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:44,660

Пожалуйста, ваш сын заслуживает этого.

00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,820

Стэн, ты хочешь услышать великое секретное учение сайентологов о жизни?

00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:50,390

Конечно.

00:11:50,430 --> 00:11:52,200

Ладно, давайте, расскажите ему.

00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,520

Можете оставить нас одних, пожалуйста? Это секретная информация церкви.

00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:58,450

А, фигня.

00:11:59,270 --> 00:12:01,350

Обычно, чтобы услышать секретное учение,

00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,610

ты должен быть в церкви несколько лет, Стэн.

00:12:03,740 --> 00:12:05,620

Ты готов услышать правду?

00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:07,850

Думаю, да.

00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:11,910

Видишь ли, Стэн, есть причина, по которой люди чувствуют себе печальными и подавленными.

00:12:11,910 --> 00:12:13,830

Инопланетная причина.

00:12:13,830 --> 00:12:17,620

Всё началось 75 миллионов лет назад.

00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:20,830

Тогда существовала галактическая федерация планет,

00:12:20,830 --> 00:12:23,790

которой правил злой Лорд Зину.

00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:25,590

Хо-хо-хо-хо-хо-хо.

00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,300

Зину думал, что его галактика перенаселена,

00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:31,550

и он собрал бесчисленных пришельцев с разных планет,

00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,870

и потом заморозил этих пришельцев.

00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:39,040

ЭТО ТО, ВО ЧТО НА САМОМ ДЕЛЕ ВЕРЯТ САЙЕНТОЛОГИ

00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:42,400

Замороженные тела пришельцев погрузили в галактические крейсеры Зину,

00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,480

Которые выглядели как DC-8s, но с ракетными двигателями.

00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,560

Потом крейсеры привезли замороженные тела на нашу планету, Землю,

00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,150

И выбросили их в вулканы на Гавайях

00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:56,280

Пришельцы больше не были заморожены, они были мертвы.

00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:01,340

Тем не менее, их души были живы, и они все взлетели к небу.

00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:04,690

Но злой Лорд Зину был готов к этому.

00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,000

Хо-хо-хо-хо.

00:13:06,030 --> 00:13:08,050

Зину не хотел, чтобы эти души вернулись!

00:13:08,050 --> 00:13:10,800

И он построил гигантские улавливатели душ в небесах!

00:13:12,570 --> 00:13:15,770

Души поместили в огромное устройство для промывания мозгов,

00:13:15,770 --> 00:13:17,730

которое Зину тоже построил на Земле.

00:13:17,910 --> 00:13:21,190

Там души были вынуждены целыми днями смотреть фильмы для промывания мозгов,

00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:23,650

и это заставило их поверить в фальшивую реальность.

00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:26,240

Потом Зину освободил души пришельцев,

00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,250

и они бесцельно бродили по земле в тумане смятения.

00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:34,100

Когда зародилось человечество, души наконец-то нашли тела, которые могли захватить.

00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:36,500

Они прикрепились ко всему человечеству,

00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:42,080

и по сей день они остаются причиной наших страхов, нашего смятения и наших проблем.

00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:49,000

Л. Рон Хаббард сделал потрясающую вещь, рассказав миру эту невероятную правду.

00:13:49,010 --> 00:13:53,330

Теперь мы все просим тебя рассказать то, что он упустил.

00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,550

Но я не знаю ничего из этих вещей.

00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:57,570

Л. Рон тоже не знал, когда начинал.

00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,320

Он просто закрыл глаза, и записал всё, что пришло в голову.

00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,990

Сделай то же самое. Просто позволь этому выйти.

00:14:04,170 --> 00:14:05,750

Ладно, я попробую.

00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:08,680

Только я хочу писать в своей комнате, а Том Круз не выходит из чулана.

00:14:08,770 --> 00:14:12,110

Я знаю. Мы послали наверх Николь Кидман, может быть, она сможет помочь.

00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:16,260

Том? Том, это Николь.

00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,490

А, привет, Николь.

00:14:18,860 --> 00:14:21,220

Том, ты не думаешь, что этого достаточно?

00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,710

Пора выходить из чулана.

00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:26,530

Я не... Я не в чулане.

00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,800

Ты в чулане, Том.

00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,570

И тебе надо прекращать это и выйти.

00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,280

Я не думаю о тебе ничего плохого.

00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,230

Кэти не думает о тебе ничего плохого.

00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:38,800

Тебе не нужно больше сидеть в этом чулане, Том.

00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:41,170

Но меня всё-таки здесь нет.

00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,180

Да, ты здесь.

00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,000

Я не... Я не в чулане.

00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:48,440

Тогда как я говорю с тобой, Том?

00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:53,370

Том, ты не можешь вечно прятаться просто потому, что

00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:56,090

реинкарнации Л. Рона Хаббарда не нравится, как ты играешь.

00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,260

Выходи из чулана, Том. Ты никого не обманешь.

00:15:00,170 --> 00:15:01,930

Но меня... меня нет здесь.

00:15:07,110 --> 00:15:08,110

Да, да!

00:15:08,610 --> 00:15:10,870

Эй, Стэн, мы хотим пойти в кино.

00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:13,360

Я не могу. Я пишу новое священное учение для моей церкви.

00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:18,110

Слушай, Стэн, мы все очень беспокоимся, что ты попал в эту секту.

00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:22,400

Секта? Сайентология не секта, Кайл. Я читал это всё, и это основано на фактах.

00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:24,730

Чувак, Л. Рон Хаббард - писатель-фантаст.

00:15:24,730 --> 00:15:28,460

Он жил на лодке с молодыми мальчиками, и его много раз арестовывало ФБР.

00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:29,560

Нет!

00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:30,470

Это всё слухи,

00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:33,050

их придумывают люди, которые боятся, потому что не знают секретную истину.

00:15:33,510 --> 00:15:34,980

Какую секретную истину?

00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:37,710

Я не могу тебе сказать, пока ты не пройдёшь через несколько лет консультаций.

00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:40,710

Всё, что я знаю: раньше я был подавлен, а теперь я нашёл своё предназначение!

00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,260

Я не знал, что ты был подавлен.

00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:42,980

А я был!

00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:45,920

Сейчас, если вы, пацаны, не можете принять то, чему я принадлежу,

00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,600

тогда мы не можем больше быть друзьями!

00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,500

Стэн, я хочу чтоб ты знал - я...

00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,600

всё ещё ненавижу Кайла больше тебя.

00:16:02,018 --> 00:16:04,678

Том! Привет, Том, это Джон Траволта.

00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:06,428

О, привет, Джон.

00:16:06,468 --> 00:16:09,418

Том, ты должен выйти из чулана. Боже мой.

00:16:09,448 --> 00:16:11,648

Л. Рон Хаббард не думает, что я хороший актёр.

00:16:11,688 --> 00:16:14,998

Мм-может быть, ты просто не понял, что он хотел сказать.

00:16:16,028 --> 00:16:20,418

Хорошо, если ты не выйдешь, могу я хотя бы войти и поговорить с тобой?

00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:23,878

О... Ладно, но без обмана.

00:16:23,908 --> 00:16:25,438

Без обмана.

00:16:30,408 --> 00:16:32,168

Эй, а здесь на самом деле хорошо.

00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:33,318

Да, видишь?

00:16:33,348 --> 00:16:35,638

Я чувствую себя в безопасности. Боже мой.

00:16:37,548 --> 00:16:40,058

Эй! Выходите оттуда!

00:16:40,088 --> 00:16:44,018

Том, только что стало известно, что Джон Траволта тоже в чулане,

00:16:44,018 --> 00:16:45,898

и он отказывается выходить.

00:16:45,908 --> 00:16:49,128

И здесь опять Р. Келли, с подробностями.

00:16:49,828 --> 00:16:53,538

Я стою здесь. Том Круз закрылся в чулане.

00:16:53,578 --> 00:16:57,738

Потом пришёл Джон Траволта, и теперь Джон Траволта тоже в чулане.

00:16:57,768 --> 00:17:01,248

Пожалуйста, Том Круз и Джон Траволта, выходите из чулана!

00:17:01,278 --> 00:17:03,378

И тогда я успокоюсь,

00:17:03,778 --> 00:17:05,478

и я достану свою пушку!

00:17:05,488 --> 00:17:07,278

О Боже, опять началось.

00:17:07,308 --> 00:17:10,798

Если Том Круз и Джон Траволта не выйдут из чулана, я прикончу эту сучку!

00:17:12,408 --> 00:17:15,868

Да... Да, это великолепно, Стэн!

00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:17,138

Я написал, что, ммм...

00:17:17,148 --> 00:17:19,218

наши последователи не должны больше летать на DC-8s,

00:17:19,228 --> 00:17:21,248

потому что они очень похожи на крейсеры злого Зину.

00:17:21,278 --> 00:17:23,838

Да конечно! Замечательно!

00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:27,588

И я написал, что злой Лорд Зину недавно сбежал из галактической тюрьмы.

00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:28,758

Да, конечно!

00:17:28,788 --> 00:17:29,578

И самое лучшее,

00:17:29,578 --> 00:17:33,368

я написал, что больше не нужно платить деньги, чтобы быть сайентологом.

00:17:33,798 --> 00:17:34,638

Что?

00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:38,088

Я понял, чтобы быть на самом деле церковью, мы не должны брать деньги за помощь.

00:17:38,628 --> 00:17:41,788

Ты чё, идиот? Как мы тогда сделаем деньги на этих людях?

00:17:42,738 --> 00:17:46,038

Ну, это всё не из-за денег, это из-за идеи, правильно?

00:17:46,068 --> 00:17:48,138

По-одожди минутку!

00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:51,058

Ты что, на самом деле веришь в это дерьмо?

00:17:52,758 --> 00:17:55,488

Болван! Промывка мозгов, души пришельцев??

00:17:55,488 --> 00:17:57,358

Е-метры и уровень тетан?

00:17:57,358 --> 00:17:59,598

Все эти люди хавают это дерьмо, и я думал,

00:17:59,598 --> 00:18:02,288

ты достаточно умён, чтобы видеть что на самом деле происходит!

00:18:02,478 --> 00:18:03,828

Но вы говорили, что были-

00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:07,278

Что может быть лучше, чем рассказывать людям тупые истории и заставлять их верить тебе?

00:18:07,398 --> 00:18:09,888

Заставлять их ПЛАТИТЬ тебе за это, идиот!

00:18:10,228 --> 00:18:11,958

Но тогда, почему я?

00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,768

Почему вам нужен я, чтобы написать что-то такое дурацкое?

00:18:13,808 --> 00:18:17,358

Потому что, если все эти люди думают, что ты реинкарнация Л. Рона Хаббарда,

00:18:17,358 --> 00:18:19,338

тогда они купят твои новые сочинения,

00:18:19,338 --> 00:18:23,158

и мы с тобой сделаем три миллиона долларов!

00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:25,018

Три миллиона долларов?

00:18:25,058 --> 00:18:29,888

Вот так работает мошенничество! Но это - мошенничество в глобальном размере!

00:18:29,888 --> 00:18:31,858

Теперь-то, б*я, врубился?!

00:18:33,268 --> 00:18:35,088

Да. Да, врубился.

00:18:35,128 --> 00:18:38,378

Тогда продолжай писать, Л. Рон! Твои люди ждут.

00:18:39,378 --> 00:18:40,988

Срочные новости из Саут-Парка.

00:18:40,988 --> 00:18:44,818

Том Круз и Джон Траволта всё ещё... не хотят выходить из чулана.

00:18:44,818 --> 00:18:47,858

Полиция округа Парк решила попробовать новый метод.

00:18:50,978 --> 00:18:55,258

Меня попросили прийти сюда, вытащить вас обоих из чулана.

00:18:55,298 --> 00:18:59,828

Блин, это какая-то безумная х*йня. Почему бы вам просто не выйти из чулана?

00:18:59,868 --> 00:19:00,848

И они сказали...

00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:05,858

Мы не выйдем из чулана, а ты можешь просто уйти.

00:19:05,898 --> 00:19:08,088

Но все хотят, чтобы вы вышли из чулана.

00:19:08,118 --> 00:19:10,828

Это неважно, потому что мы останемся.

00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:14,468

Теперь я начинаю злиться, и я достану свою пушку!

00:19:15,248 --> 00:19:18,338

Я считаю до трёх, а вы открываете эту дверь.

00:19:18,378 --> 00:19:20,628

Раз. Я подстрелю вас обоих.

00:19:20,668 --> 00:19:23,288

Два. Я прикончу какую-нибудь сучку. Три-

00:19:30,338 --> 00:19:34,228

Теперь я в чулане. Теперь я тоже в чулане.

00:19:35,198 --> 00:19:37,128

Мои собратья сайентологи!

00:19:37,128 --> 00:19:39,368

Наш пророк дописал наше новое учение,

00:19:39,368 --> 00:19:41,048

и сейчас он прочитает несколько отрывков,

00:19:41,048 --> 00:19:44,038

прежде чем предоставить это в ваше распоряжение, за символическую плату.

00:19:46,198 --> 00:19:50,098

Я представляю вам реинкарнацию Л. Рона Хаббарда!

00:19:57,408 --> 00:19:58,908

Э, спасибо.

00:19:58,908 --> 00:20:03,278

Прежде всего, я написал, что призраки пришельцев, которым промыли мозги,

00:20:03,278 --> 00:20:06,378

на самом деле из галактики Нубанон.

00:20:08,098 --> 00:20:09,118

Нубанон.

00:20:09,158 --> 00:20:10,138

И...

00:20:17,478 --> 00:20:19,808

Я... Я не могу.

00:20:19,838 --> 00:20:20,948

Что?

00:20:20,988 --> 00:20:22,628

Слушайте, все.

00:20:22,628 --> 00:20:25,098

Мы все ищем ответ, знаете.

00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:28,588

Мы все хотим понять, кто мы и откуда мы, но...

00:20:28,598 --> 00:20:31,468

иногда мы хотим знать ответы так сильно, что...

00:20:31,478 --> 00:20:33,268

...готовы поверить хоть во что.

00:20:34,418 --> 00:20:35,198

Что?

00:20:35,938 --> 00:20:38,218

Я - не реинкарнация Л. Рона Хаббарда.

00:20:38,218 --> 00:20:42,028

И... сайентология - это просто большое всемирное мошенничество.

00:20:43,908 --> 00:20:46,208

О! Мы засудим тебя!

00:20:46,708 --> 00:20:47,208

Что??

00:20:47,238 --> 00:20:51,398

Да, ты думаешь, ты можешь сказать, что наша религия - ложь?! Мы засудим тебя, дружище!

00:20:51,428 --> 00:20:52,498

ВЫ говорили мне, что это ложь!

00:20:52,528 --> 00:20:56,528

Ну вот, теперь ты говоришь, что я это сказал! Тебя таак засудят!

00:20:56,558 --> 00:21:01,178

Нельзя смеяться над сайентологией, парень! Мы засудим твою жопу и твои яйца!

00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:02,658

Да, правильно!

00:21:02,688 --> 00:21:05,378

Как ты посмел насмехаться над нашей верой, маленький паршивец?!

00:21:05,378 --> 00:21:07,818

Завтра тебя послушают наши адвокаты!

00:21:07,858 --> 00:21:10,418

У нас невероятное развитие событий, Митч.

00:21:10,418 --> 00:21:15,148

Том Круз, Джон Траволта и Р. Келли - они все вышли из чулана!

00:21:17,978 --> 00:21:20,018

Так ты не пророк, да?

00:21:20,018 --> 00:21:22,678

Из-за тебя я глупо выглядел! Я тоже засужу тебя!

00:21:22,818 --> 00:21:24,498

Ну и ладно! Давайте, засудите меня!

00:21:24,538 --> 00:21:26,648

Засужу! Я засужу тебя в Англии.

00:21:26,678 --> 00:21:28,658

Тебя ТАК засудят, парень!

00:21:28,698 --> 00:21:30,498

Ну, давайте, засудите меня!

00:21:30,528 --> 00:21:32,018

Мы уже собираемся!

00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:36,778

Ну и хорошо! Сделайте это! Я не боюсь вас! Засудите меня!

00:21:38,678 --> 00:21:42,678

Перевод by ghost_kk,

e-mail: ghost_kk@mail.ru

00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,284

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:39,165

Oh, dude, check it out!

I got a Jake Plummer.

00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,250

Aw, man. I got a crappy

A.J. Feeley again.

00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,877

How come you didn't buy

any cards, Stan?

00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,961

I can't spend any money.

00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,546

I'm saving up for that bike

I want.

00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,339

Ha! Saving money!

Duh!

00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,467

So, what should we do now?

It's Saturday.

00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:51,052

We have to have

as much fun as possible.

00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:53,304

Hey, I know. Let's go

play laser tag at Funplex.

00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,305

Mrph rmh!

00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,973

No. I don't want to spend

any money, you guys.

00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,767

Let's just do something

fun that's free.

00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,643

Stan, don't you know

the first law of physics?

00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,146

Anything that's fun

costs at least $8.

00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,856

Yeah, dude.

Nothing fun is free.

00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,232

Well, I can't spend any money.

00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,151

Okay, be a Jew.

We're gonna go play laser tag.

00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,944

Yeah.

See ya!

00:01:11,781 --> 00:01:14,075

Hello. Would you like

to take a personality test?

00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,993

It's fun and it's free.

00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:17,453

Excuse me?

00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,413

We're doing

free personality tests today.

00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,998

What do I have to do?

00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,750

Have you heard of Scientology?

00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:25,044

It's all based

on the book "Dianetics."

00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,338

A lot of really cool people

are Scientologists,

00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:29,673

like Tom Cruise

and John Travolta.

00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:30,883

Why don't you come on in

00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,302

and we'll get your fun,

free personality test started?

00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:35,971

Let's just find

an empty room here.

00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,973

Lots of people

getting free tests today.

00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,141

Hey, Brian!

00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,434

Hey, Kelly!

How's it going?

00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:42,478

Great. I want you to meet

my new friend, Stan.

00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,105

Hey there! How are you?

00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,106

Fine.

00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:46,857

Brian's gonna give you

your personality test

00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,151

and then let you know

some things about Scientology.

00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,736

Good times.

Good times.

00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,154

Look, is this a religion?

00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,824

Because my family is, like,

Catholic or something.

00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,242

Oh, that's not a problem at all.

00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,828

Scientology is more

of an alternative to psychology

00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,037

than a religion.

00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,498

Then how come that sign says

"Church of Scientology"?

00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,541

Oh, that's just this thing.

00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,168

What's the Denver Broncos'

record now, 6-2?

00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,211

7-2.

00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,504

Wow!

That's great!

00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,005

All right.

Come on in and take a seat.

00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,049

We're gonna have some fun.

00:02:13,551 --> 00:02:15,261

All right. I'm just gonna

ask you a few questions.

00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,596

Just answer these as truthfully

as you can, all right?

00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,682

Okay. Number one --

00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:24,311

Do you ever make remarks

which you later regret?

00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,148

Uh...sure?

00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:28,357

Uh-huh.

00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,027

Would you rather give orders

than take them?

00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:32,862

Yeah.

00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:37,658

Do you ever whistle

just for the fun of it?

00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:42,413

Okay.

00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:45,457

And, finally,

does life sometimes feel vague

00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,126

and confusing to you?

00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,586

Yes.

00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,421

Okay, Stan.

Well, that's it.

00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:52,673

That's the end

of the personality test.

00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:53,799

So, how'd I do?

00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:56,635

Well, I hate to tell you this,

Stan, but...

00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,596

you are one messed-up kid.

00:02:58,721 --> 00:02:59,889

- Huh?!

- Yeah.

00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:02,308

I'm afraid that you

are completely miserable

00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,226

and totally depressed.

00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,270

I am?

I didn't know that!

00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,688

Well, there's certainly

no question

00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:10,065

that you are a perfect

candidate for Scientology.

00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,401

I think it can really

make you happy again.

00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,527

W-What do I do?

00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:14,737

It's very simple.

00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:18,073

We just need $240.

00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,410

Stanley, you haven't touched

your food.

00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,162

What's the matter with you?

00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,080

I'm totally depressed.

00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,874

- What? Why?

- I don't know.

00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,834

Well, how long

have you been feeling this way?

00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:29,960

I'm not sure.

00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,129

But...I need $240.

00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,715

$240?

What'd you do, break something?

00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,176

No. I found a self-help

program that can cure me.

00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:39,637

Oh, Jesus.

The answer is no, Stanley.

00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,680

But I'm completely miserable,

and these people can help.

00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,474

Stanley, I didn't know

you were miserable.

00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,683

Neither did I!

00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,602

Stanley, do you have

any concept of money at all?

00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,562

Money doesn't grow on trees,

you know.

00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,356

Don't you care

that I'm depressed?

00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,815

What if I become suicidal or --

00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,609

or become an alcoholic

like Grandpa?

00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,443

Huh?!

00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,737

Well, if you really think

your life is so bad, Stan,

00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,240

why don't you take what you have

out of your bicycle savings?

00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535

Well, but --

but that's my money.

00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:04,995

Well, just like the rest of us,

00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,705

you have to make choices

with your money.

00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,708

You want a bike or do you

want to not be depressed?

00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,253

Michelle, our friend Stan

wants to have auditing.

00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:14,630

Oh, good for you!

You're gonna be so happy.

00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,547

I hope so.

00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,633

It's the beginning of a whole

new life for you, Stan.

00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,218

See you afterwards.

00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:22,596

Great.

So, do you have the $240?

00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,391

Perfect!

We're on our way.

00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:26,892

Come on over here,

and I'll fill you in

00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,852

on how

the Church of Scientology works.

00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:31,480

You see, Stan,

Scientology was founded

00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,941

by a great man

named L. Ron Hubbard.

00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,777

Mr. Hubbard discovered

that negative emotions

00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:40,239

are actually caused by things

called body thetans.

00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:41,323

- Really?

- Yes!

00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,200

And being the genius

that he was,

00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:46,829

Mr. Hubbard invented a way

to get rid of those bad thetans.

00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,789

This is called an e-meter.

00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,749

It's the main tool

of Scientology.

00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,584

You just grab hold

of these handles

00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:55,504

as I talk you through

past experiences in your life.

00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,339

I'll be taking readings here,

00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,633

and we'll be able to determine

your thetan levels.

00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,010

Thetan levels.

00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:03,637

Come on in the auditing room,

and I'll show you how it works.

00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,391

All these people

are just like you, Stan,

00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:11,103

auditing with e-meters to get

rid of their negative emotions.

00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,187

All right, Stan.

00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,439

I want you to just relax

00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:15,607

and take hold

of the e-meter handles.

00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,445

So, this is gonna make me happy?

00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,113

Just take a few deep breaths,

00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,907

and I'll just get a base reading

of your thetan levels.

00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:30,873

Huh.

That's -- That's strange.

00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:31,707

What?

00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,625

Some-- Something's wrong.

00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,502

Brian, could you come over here

a second?

00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,129

Yeah.

Oh, hey there, Greg!

00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,130

Stan.

00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,299

Will you look

at his thetan levels?

00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,634

Huh. Well -- Well,

get another e-meter.

00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,094

This one's obviously broken.

00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,554

Sorry about this, Greg.

00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,182

And so we just try to analyze

your personality.

00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,059

And if it seems like

you need some help,

00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,644

then you can have audit

counseling for a nominal fee.

00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:55,022

Well, that sounds

pretty reasonable, m'kay.

00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,940

Mike, I need to talk to you.

00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,401

Excuse me, sir.

I'll be right back.

00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,986

Are you all right?

You're sweating!

00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,821

- Take a look at this.

- What is it?

00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,157

The e-meter results

from the little boy in room D.

00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:08,369

This...This can't be right.

00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:10,954

We ran the test four times.

00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,957

We used four different e-meters.

00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,668

Fax these results to

the head office in Los Angeles.

00:06:16,794 --> 00:06:18,670

The president has to see this

right away.

00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:21,131

Go! Now!

00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,055

The boy is from a small

mountain town in Colorado, sir.

00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,681

Sir, how can it be

that a first-timer

00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:31,475

scores that kind

of thetan level?

00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,143

He registered O.T. 9.

00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,730

I'm only O.T. 7, and I've been

in the church all my life!

00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:41,276

I've waited 42 years

for this day.

00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,319

Sir?

00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,571

Don't you all see

what this means?

00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,574

There's only one person

who ever registered O.T. 9

00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,993

in the history of our church.

00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:57,709

L. Ron Hubbard said

he had lived past lives,

00:06:57,835 --> 00:07:01,296

that when he died, his thetan

would show itself again.

00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:04,341

Our prophet has returned.

00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,139

Uh, Stanley, take the garbage

out before you go to bed.

00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682

I took out the garbage

yesterday.

00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:12,724

Right now, Stan.

00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:18,522

Stupid, dumb garbage.

00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,152

There he is!

00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,907

Thank you for returning!

00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,828

He's wonderful.

He's wonderful.

00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,914

Stan, what the hell did you do?

00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,207

I don't know!

00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,591

Hello, young man.

00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,426

I'm the head of Scientology.

00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:51,430

It is...a great honor

to meet you.

00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,726

All right.

What the hell is going on here?

00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,812

We've been looking for your son

for a long time, Mr. Marsh.

00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:02,941

He is the reincarnation of our

church's most sacred prophet.

00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,151

What?

00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,777

Scientologists the world over

00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,905

are simply rejoicing

in his second coming.

00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:11,033

Look, we don't want our son

to join your group, okay?

00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,327

We're not asking him to join us.

00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:16,121

We're asking him to lead us.

00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,333

Oh, my God.

It's John Travolta.

00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,794

Is this where he lives?

Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is?

00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:23,837

Oh, my God!

00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,173

Yes, John Travolta

and Tom Cruise

00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:27,674

are big Scientologists.

00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,176

Do you believe me now?

00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:31,970

Young man,

I know you don't remember it,

00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,848

but your name

was L. Ron Hubbard.

00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,225

You revealed a secret

00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,894

which began the whole

Church of Scientology.

00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,771

Okay, Stan.

It's late.

00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,773

Go up to your room

and get ready for bed.

00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:45,192

Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,197

Jesus Christ.

00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,156

L. Ron?

00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,075

L. Ron!

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,618

It really is you!

00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,412

Oh, this is the greatest day

of my life.

00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,747

Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.

00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,249

Don't you understand, L. Ron?

00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,959

It's me -- Tom Cruise!

00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,252

Yeah, I know who you are.

00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,753

Haven't I done well, L. Ron?

00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338

Haven't you enjoyed my acting?

00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,131

Which film did you like best?

00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,301

Well, I mean, you're not...

you're not, like,

00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,679

as good as Leonardo DiCaprio,

but you're okay, I guess.

00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,264

What?

00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,890

I mean, you're not Gene Hackman

00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,600

or that guy

that played Napoleon Dynamite,

00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,851

but you're okay.

00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:22,604

I'm nothing.

00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,940

I'm a failure

in the eyes of the prophet!

00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:29,236

Hey! Dude, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,821

Go away!

00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,364

Dude, this is my room!

00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,117

Go away, I said!

00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:39,246

Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out

of the closet!

00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,205

What?

00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,542

Tom Cruise locked himself in my

closet, and he won't come out.

00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,963

Mr. Cruise?

00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,173

Mr. Cruise,

come out of the closet.

00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,800

No.

00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,885

Come on, Mr. Cruise.

This is ridiculous.

00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,804

I'm never coming out!

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:56,930

What did you say to him?

00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,807

I just told him I thought

the "Napoleon Dynamite" guy

00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,268

- is a better actor than he is.

- Oh, boy.

00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,062

Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay

in the closet, all right?

00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,188

You need to come out.

00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,189

What's going on?

00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,774

Tom Cruise won't come out

of the closet.

00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,068

- What?

- Just leave me alone!

00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,486

Well, we can't leave you alone

00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,905

because you won't come out

of the closet.

00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,954

It's been four hours now,

00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,957

and Tom Cruise still

will not come out of the closet.

00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,584

Hundreds of onlookers

have gathered here

00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,378

in hopes that the celebrity

will finally give in.

00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,423

Tom Cruise,

this is Park County police.

00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,635

Please come out of the closet.

00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:40,807

Everybody here just wants you

to come out of the closet, Tom.

00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,896

Nobody's gonna be mad.

Everything's gonna be all right.

00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,439

Just come out of the closet.

00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,692

We're still not exactly sure

why Tom Cruise is in the closet,

00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,943

but I'm being joined now

00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,488

by famous singer/songwriter

R. Kelly.

00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:56,406

♪ Well, I was

just standing here ♪

00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:59,076

♪ And Tom Cruise locked himself

in the closet ♪

00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,202

♪ And I ask myself ♪

00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,996

♪ "Why won't Tom Cruise

just come out the closet?" ♪

00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,332

♪ But nobody has no answers ♪

00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,292

♪ And so I pull out my gun ♪

00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,253

♪ Tell me why Tom Cruise

in the closet ♪

00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,547

♪ Or else

I'm gonna shoot someone ♪

00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:16,843

Please understand we just want

what is best for your son.

00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,637

The reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard

00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,514

must be taken care of.

00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,307

He had many enemies.

00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851

Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard

a science-fiction writer?

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,479

Yes, but he was also a prophet

00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,565

who knew the secret truth

about the nature of life.

00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,485

This is just too much.

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,237

We want to reveal to Stan

00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,739

the great secret of life

behind our church,

00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:41,034

the safely guarded

Scientology doctrine.

00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,496

Please. Your son deserves

to be enlightened.

00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,956

Stan, do you want to hear

00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:48,875

the great secret doctrine

of life behind Scientology?

00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,085

Sure.

00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,837

All right.

Go ahead and tell him.

00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,755

Would you excuse us, please?

00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,091

This is highly classified

Church information.

00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,427

Aw, rats.

00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,887

Usually, to hear

the secret doctrine,

00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,515

you have to be in the church

for several years, Stan.

00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,892

Are you ready to hear the truth?

00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,394

I-I guess.

00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:08,770

You see, Stan,

00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,773

there is a reason for people

feeling sad and depressed --

00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,483

an alien reason.

00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,112

It all began

75 million years ago.

00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,240

Back then, there was a galactic

federation of planets,

00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,160

which was ruled over

by the evil Lord Xenu.

00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,748

Xenu thought

his galaxy was overpopulated,

00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,708

and so he rounded up

countless aliens

00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:33,378

from all different planets and

then had those aliens frozen.

00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,714

Aah!

00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,926

The frozen alien bodies

00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,137

were loaded onto

Xenu's galactic cruisers,

00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,015

which looked like DC-8s,

except with rocket engines.

00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,184

The cruisers then took

the frozen alien bodies

00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,269

to our planet, Earth,

00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,855

and dumped them

into the volcanoes of Hawaii.

00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,733

The aliens were no longer

frozen.

00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:55,942

They were dead.

00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,695

The souls of those aliens,

however, lived on,

00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,281

and all floated up

towards the sky.

00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,242

But the evil Lord Xenu

had prepared for this.

00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,621

Xenu didn't want

their souls to return,

00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:10,707

and so he built giant

soul catchers in the sky!

00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,710

The souls were taken

00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,295

to a huge soul-brainwashing

facility

00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,464

which Xenu had also built

on Earth.

00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,341

There the souls

were forced to watch days

00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,926

of brainwashing material,

00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,637

which tricked them

into believing a false reality.

00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,847

Xenu then released

the alien souls,

00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,100

which roamed the earth

aimlessly in a fog of confusion.

00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,769

At the dawn of man,

00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,688

the souls finally found bodies

which they could grab on to.

00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,107

They attached themselves

to all mankind,

00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,985

which still to this day

causes all our fears,

00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:42,322

our confusions,

and our problems.

00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,743

L. Ron Hubbard

did an amazing thing,

00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,620

telling the world

this incredible truth.

00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:52,791

Now all we're asking you to do

is pick up where he left off.

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,168

But I don't know

any of this stuff.

00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,920

Neither did L. Ron

when he started.

00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,922

He said he just closed his eyes

00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,174

and wrote down

whatever came to mind.

00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,677

You can do the same.

Just let it flow.

00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,262

Okay.

I'll try.

00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,680

I just wish I could write

in my room,

00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,181

but Tom Cruise won't come out

of the closet.

00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,015

I know.

00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,810

We've sent Nicole Kidman up

to see if she can help.

00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,648

Tom?

Tom, it's Nicole.

00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,608

H-Hi, Nicole.

00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,194

Tom, don't you think this has

gone on long enough?

00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,197

It's time for you to come out

of the closet.

00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,824

I'm not --

I'm not in the closet.

00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,325

Yes, you are, Tom.

00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,495

And you need to just end this

and come out.

00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,707

I'm not gonna think

any differently of you.

00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,750

Katie's not gonna think

any differently of you.

00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,795

You don't need to be

in that closet anymore, Tom.

00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,797

I'm not in here, though.

00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,300

Yes, you are.

00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,802

I'm not -- I'm not in a closet.

00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,430

Then how am I talking to you,

Tom?

00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:52,058

Tom, you can't hide forever

00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,311

just because the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard

00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,146

doesn't like your acting.

00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,399

Come out of the closet, Tom.

You're not fooling anyone.

00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:02,360

But I'm not --

I'm not in here.

00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:08,074

Yeah.

Yeah!

00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,535

Hey, Stan.

We're gonna go to the movies.

00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,996

I can't. I'm writing a new

sacred doctrine for my church.

00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,207

Look, Stan,

we're really getting concerned

00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,667

about this cult

you're getting into.

00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,836

Cult?

Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle!

00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,047

I've read all this stuff,

and it's based on fact.

00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:24,215

Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was

a science-fiction writer.

00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,092

He lived on a boat

with only young boys

00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,178

and got busted

by the feds numerous times.

00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,304

I did not!

00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,181

Those are rumors put out

by people who are afraid

00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,807

because they don't know

the secret truth!

00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,684

What secret truth?

00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,145

I can't tell unless you pay for

a few years of audit counseling.

00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,730

All I know is I was depressed

before,

00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,148

and now I've found meaning.

00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691

I didn't know

you were depressed.

00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:42,692

Neither did I.

00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,320

But now if you guys can't accept

this great thing I belong to,

00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,113

then I suppose

we're no longer friends.

00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,453

Stan, I just want you to know

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,289

that I still hate Kyle

more than you.

00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:05,173

Tom! Hey, Tom.

It's John Travolta.

00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,257

Oh, hey, John.

00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:08,885

Tom, you got to come out

of the closet. Oh, my God.

00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,596

L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think

I'm a great actor.

00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:15,141

M-Maybe you took what he said

out of context.

00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,226

Okay.

00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,811

It's like,

if you don't come out,

00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,438

can I at least come in

and talk to you?

00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,358

Well...okay.

But no tricks.

00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,360

No tricks.

00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,117

Hey, it's really nice in here.

00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,118

Yeah. See?

00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,870

I feel really safe. Oh, my God.

00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,289

Hello?

00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:39,916

Hey, come out of there!

00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,252

Tom, it now appears

that John Travolta

00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,588

is also in the closet

and he refuses to come out!

00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,259

Here with more details

once again is R. Kelly.

00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:51,219

♪ I was just standing here ♪

00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,555

♪ Tom Cruise locked himself

in the closet ♪

00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,806

♪ Then John Travolta come ♪

00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:57,517

♪ And now John Travolta

in the closet, too ♪

00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,436

♪ Please, Tom Cruise

and John Travolta ♪

00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,979

♪ Come out of the closet ♪

00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,064

♪ But then I calm myself down ♪

00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,150

♪ And I pull out my gun ♪

00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:06,943

Oh, Jesus!

Here we go with the gun again.

00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,069

♪ If Tom Cruise

and John Travolta ♪

00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,070

♪ Don't come out of the closet ♪

00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,406

♪ I'm gonna cap this bitch ♪

00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:13,867

Yes. Yes.

00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,660

Oh, this is great, Stan.

00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:16,828

I wrote that, um...

00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,913

our followers shouldn't fly

in DC-8s anymore

00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,082

because they're too much

like Xenu's evil cruisers.

00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,418

Yes, of course.

It's so wonderful.

00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,170

And I wrote

that the evil Lord Xenu

00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,130

has recently broken out

of galactic jail.

00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,506

Yes.

Of course!

00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,759

And best of all, I wrote

that all the Scientologists

00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,428

should no longer

have to pay money to belong.

00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:34,471

What?

00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,389

I realized that to really be

a church,

00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,807

we can't charge people for help.

00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,476

What are you, stupid?

00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,686

Then how do we make money

from those people?

00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:44,147

Well, it's not about the money.

00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:45,565

It's about the message, right?

00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,026

Wait a minute.

Whoa, whoa!

00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,237

You don't actually believe

this crap, do you?

00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,200

Dummy!

Brainwashed alien souls?!

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,910

E-meters and thetan levels?!

00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,703

Those people out there buy

that crap,

00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,455

but I thought

you were smart enough

00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,082

to see what was really going on.

00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,291

But you said that there was --

00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,418

What's better than telling

people a stupid story

00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,212

and having them believe you?

00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:10,131

Having them pay you for it,

stupid!

00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591

But then...why me?

00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,593

Why do you need me to write

something so badly?

00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,220

Because if those people

all think

00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,055

you're the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard,

00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,015

then they'll all buy

your new writings,

00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:23,353

and you and I together

will make $3 million!

00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,729

$3 million?

00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,314

That's how a scam works!

00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,651

But this is a scam

on a global scale.

00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,779

Do you fucking get me now?

00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,906

Yeah.

Yeah, I get you.

00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:38,409

Then keep writing, L. Ron.

Your people are waiting.

00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,578

Breaking news

here in South park.

00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,247

Tom Cruise and John Travolta

00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,874

still will not come out

of the closet.

00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,710

Park County police have decided

to try a new method.

00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,757

♪ Now, I've been asked

to come up here ♪

00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,968

♪ And get you both

out of the closet ♪

00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,262

♪ Man, this is

some crazy shit ♪

00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,389

♪ Why won't you both just

come out the closet? ♪

00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:00,890

♪ And they said ♪

00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,434

♪ We're not coming

out the closet ♪

00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,770

♪ So you can just go away ♪

00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,856

♪ But everyone wants you

out the closet ♪

00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,400

♪ That doesn't matter

'cause we're gonna stay ♪

00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:12,402

♪ Now I'm starting

to get angry ♪

00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,946

♪ So I pull out my gun ♪

00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,447

♪ I'm gonna give you

count to three ♪

00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,782

♪ To open this closet door ♪

00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,826

♪ One,

I'm gonna shoot you both ♪

00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:21,911

♪ Two,

I'm gonna cap some bitch ♪

00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,830

♪ Three... ♪

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,796

♪ Now I'm in the closet ♪

00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,215

♪ Now I'm in the closet, too ♪

00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,718

My fellow Scientologists...

00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,803

Our prophet has finished

his new doctrine

00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,680

and will now read some passages

00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,975

before making it available

to you all for a nominal fee.

00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:49,772

I give you...the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard!

00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,656

Uh, thanks.

00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,575

So, first of all...

00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,994

I've written that

the brainwashed alien ghosts

00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,830

are actually from a galaxy

called Nubunon.

00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,790

- Oh!

- Oh!

00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:08,625

Nubunon!

00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,419

And uh...uh...

00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,177

I-I can't do this.

00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:20,678

What?

00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,096

Look, everybody.

00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,849

We're all looking for answers,

you know?

00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,727

We all want to understand who

we are and where we come from,

00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,897

but sometimes we want to know

the answers so badly

00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,690

that we believe

just about anything.

00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,235

- Huh?

- What?

00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,029

I'm not the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard.

00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,033

And...Scientology is just

a big fat global scam.

00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:44,494

Oh!

00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:46,496

We are gonna sue you!

00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,497

- What?

- Yeah!

00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,540

You think you can say

our religion is a lie?

00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,042

We'll sue you, buddy!

00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,418

You told me it was a lie!

00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,212

Oh, now you're putting words

in my mouth!

00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,214

You are so sued!

00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,383

You can't make fun

of Scientology, kid.

00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,885

We are gonna sue your ass

and your balls.

00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,512

- Yeah!

- That's right!

00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,223

How dare you mock our faith,

you little punk?

00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,517

You'll be hearing

from our lawyers tomorrow!

00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:09,936

We've just had an incredible

development here, Mitch.

00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:12,730

Tom Cruise, John Travolta,

and R. Kelly

00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:15,233

have all come out of the closet!

00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,737

So, you're not the prophet, huh?

00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:22,407

You made me look stupid.

I'm gonna sue you, too!

00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,242

Well, fine!

Go ahead and sue me!

00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,369

I will!

I'll sue you in England!

00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,454

You are so sued, kid!

00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:30,164

Well, go on, then!

Sue me!

00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,874

We're going to!

00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,584

Okay! Good!

Do it!

00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:34,919

I'm not scared of you!

00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,713

Sue me!

00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,284

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:39,165

Oh, dude, check it out!

I got a Jake Plummer.

00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,250

Aw, man. I got a crappy

A.J. Feeley again.

00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,877

How come you didn't buy

any cards, Stan?

00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,961

I can't spend any money.

00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,546

I'm saving up for that bike

I want.

00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,339

Ha! Saving money!

Duh!

00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,467

So, what should we do now?

It's Saturday.

00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:51,052

We have to have

as much fun as possible.

00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:53,304

Hey, I know. Let's go

play laser tag at Funplex.

00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,305

Mrph rmh!

00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,973

No. I don't want to spend

any money, you guys.

00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,767

Let's just do something

fun that's free.

00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,643

Stan, don't you know

the first law of physics?

00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,146

Anything that's fun

costs at least $8.

00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,856

Yeah, dude.

Nothing fun is free.

00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,232

Well, I can't spend any money.

00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,151

Okay, be a Jew.

We're gonna go play laser tag.

00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,944

Yeah.

See ya!

00:01:11,781 --> 00:01:14,075

Hello. Would you like

to take a personality test?

00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,993

It's fun and it's free.

00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:17,453

Excuse me?

00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,413

We're doing

free personality tests today.

00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,998

What do I have to do?

00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,750

Have you heard of Scientology?

00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:25,044

It's all based

on the book "Dianetics."

00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,338

A lot of really cool people

are Scientologists,

00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:29,673

like Tom Cruise

and John Travolta.

00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:30,883

Why don't you come on in

00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,302

and we'll get your fun,

free personality test started?

00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:35,971

Let's just find

an empty room here.

00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,973

Lots of people

getting free tests today.

00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,141

Hey, Brian!

00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,434

Hey, Kelly!

How's it going?

00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:42,478

Great. I want you to meet

my new friend, Stan.

00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,105

Hey there! How are you?

00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,106

Fine.

00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:46,857

Brian's gonna give you

your personality test

00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,151

and then let you know

some things about Scientology.

00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,736

Good times.

Good times.

00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,154

Look, is this a religion?

00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,824

Because my family is, like,

Catholic or something.

00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,242

Oh, that's not a problem at all.

00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,828

Scientology is more

of an alternative to psychology

00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,037

than a religion.

00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,498

Then how come that sign says

"Church of Scientology"?

00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,541

Oh, that's just this thing.

00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,168

What's the Denver Broncos'

record now, 6-2?

00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,211

7-2.

00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,504

Wow!

That's great!

00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,005

All right.

Come on in and take a seat.

00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,049

We're gonna have some fun.

00:02:13,551 --> 00:02:15,261

All right. I'm just gonna

ask you a few questions.

00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,596

Just answer these as truthfully

as you can, all right?

00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,682

Okay. Number one --

00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:24,311

Do you ever make remarks

which you later regret?

00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,148

Uh...sure?

00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:28,357

Uh-huh.

00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,027

Would you rather give orders

than take them?

00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:32,862

Yeah.

00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:37,658

Do you ever whistle

just for the fun of it?

00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,035

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:42,413

Okay.

00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:45,457

And, finally,

does life sometimes feel vague

00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,126

and confusing to you?

00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,586

Yes.

00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,421

Okay, Stan.

Well, that's it.

00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:52,673

That's the end

of the personality test.

00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:53,799

So, how'd I do?

00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:56,635

Well, I hate to tell you this,

Stan, but...

00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,596

you are one messed-up kid.

00:02:58,721 --> 00:02:59,889

- Huh?!

- Yeah.

00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:02,308

I'm afraid that you

are completely miserable

00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,226

and totally depressed.

00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,270

I am?

I didn't know that!

00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,688

Well, there's certainly

no question

00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:10,065

that you are a perfect

candidate for Scientology.

00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,401

I think it can really

make you happy again.

00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,527

W-What do I do?

00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:14,737

It's very simple.

00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:18,073

We just need $240.

00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,410

Stanley, you haven't touched

your food.

00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,162

What's the matter with you?

00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,080

I'm totally depressed.

00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,874

- What? Why?

- I don't know.

00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,834

Well, how long

have you been feeling this way?

00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:29,960

I'm not sure.

00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,129

But...I need $240.

00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,715

$240?

What'd you do, break something?

00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,176

No. I found a self-help

program that can cure me.

00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:39,637

Oh, Jesus.

The answer is no, Stanley.

00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,680

But I'm completely miserable,

and these people can help.

00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,474

Stanley, I didn't know

you were miserable.

00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,683

Neither did I!

00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,602

Stanley, do you have

any concept of money at all?

00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,562

Money doesn't grow on trees,

you know.

00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,356

Don't you care

that I'm depressed?

00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,815

What if I become suicidal or --

00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,609

or become an alcoholic

like Grandpa?

00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,443

Huh?!

00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,737

Well, if you really think

your life is so bad, Stan,

00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,240

why don't you take what you have

out of your bicycle savings?

00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535

Well, but --

but that's my money.

00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:04,995

Well, just like the rest of us,

00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,705

you have to make choices

with your money.

00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,708

You want a bike or do you

want to not be depressed?

00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,253

Michelle, our friend Stan

wants to have auditing.

00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:14,630

Oh, good for you!

You're gonna be so happy.

00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,547

I hope so.

00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,633

It's the beginning of a whole

new life for you, Stan.

00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,218

See you afterwards.

00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:22,596

Great.

So, do you have the $240?

00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,391

Perfect!

We're on our way.

00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:26,892

Come on over here,

and I'll fill you in

00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,852

on how

the Church of Scientology works.

00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:31,480

You see, Stan,

Scientology was founded

00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,941

by a great man

named L. Ron Hubbard.

00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,777

Mr. Hubbard discovered

that negative emotions

00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:40,239

are actually caused by things

called body thetans.

00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:41,323

- Really?

- Yes!

00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,200

And being the genius

that he was,

00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:46,829

Mr. Hubbard invented a way

to get rid of those bad thetans.

00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,789

This is called an e-meter.

00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,749

It's the main tool

of Scientology.

00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,584

You just grab hold

of these handles

00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:55,504

as I talk you through

past experiences in your life.

00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,339

I'll be taking readings here,

00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,633

and we'll be able to determine

your thetan levels.

00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,010

Thetan levels.

00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:03,637

Come on in the auditing room,

and I'll show you how it works.

00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,264

[ Machines beeping ]

00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,391

All these people

are just like you, Stan,

00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:11,103

auditing with e-meters to get

rid of their negative emotions.

00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,187

All right, Stan.

00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,439

I want you to just relax

00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:15,607

and take hold

of the e-meter handles.

00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,445

So, this is gonna make me happy?

00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,113

Just take a few deep breaths,

00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,907

and I'll just get a base reading

of your thetan levels.

00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,576

[ Breathes deeply ]

00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,329

[ Humming, beeping ]

00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:30,873

Huh.

That's -- That's strange.

00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:31,707

What?

00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,625

Some-- Something's wrong.

00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,502

Brian, could you come over here

a second?

00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,129

Yeah.

Oh, hey there, Greg!

00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,130

Stan.

00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,299

Will you look

at his thetan levels?

00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,634

Huh. Well -- Well,

get another e-meter.

00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,094

This one's obviously broken.

00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,554

Sorry about this, Greg.

00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,182

And so we just try to analyze

your personality.

00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,059

And if it seems like

you need some help,

00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,644

then you can have audit

counseling for a nominal fee.

00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:55,022

Well, that sounds

pretty reasonable, m'kay.

00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,940

Mike, I need to talk to you.

00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,401

Excuse me, sir.

I'll be right back.

00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,986

Are you all right?

You're sweating!

00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,821

- Take a look at this.

- What is it?

00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,157

The e-meter results

from the little boy in room D.

00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:08,369

- [ Dramatic music plays ]

- This...This can't be right.

00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:10,954

We ran the test four times.

00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,957

We used four different e-meters.

00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,668

Fax these results to

the head office in Los Angeles.

00:06:16,794 --> 00:06:18,670

The president has to see this

right away.

00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:21,131

Go! Now!

00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,055

The boy is from a small

mountain town in Colorado, sir.

00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,681

Sir, how can it be

that a first-timer

00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:31,475

scores that kind

of thetan level?

00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,143

He registered O.T. 9.

00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,730

I'm only O.T. 7, and I've been

in the church all my life!

00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:41,276

I've waited 42 years

for this day.

00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,319

Sir?

00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,571

Don't you all see

what this means?

00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,574

There's only one person

who ever registered O.T. 9

00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,993

in the history of our church.

00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:54,706

[ Choir vocalizing ]

00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:57,709

L. Ron Hubbard said

he had lived past lives,

00:06:57,835 --> 00:07:01,296

that when he died, his thetan

would show itself again.

00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:04,341

Our prophet has returned.

00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,139

Uh, Stanley, take the garbage

out before you go to bed.

00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682

I took out the garbage

yesterday.

00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:12,724

Right now, Stan.

00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:14,309

[ Groans ]

00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:18,522

Stupid, dumb garbage.

00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,152

- [ Crowd cheering ]

- MAN: There he is!

00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,907

Thank you for returning!

00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,828

[ Crying ] He's wonderful.

He's wonderful.

00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,914

Stan, what the hell did you do?

00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,207

I don't know!

00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,591

Hello, young man.

00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,426

I'm the head of Scientology.

00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:51,430

It is...a great honor

to meet you.

00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,726

All right.

What the hell is going on here?

00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,812

We've been looking for your son

for a long time, Mr. Marsh.

00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:02,941

He is the reincarnation of our

church's most sacred prophet.

00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,151

What?

00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,777

Scientologists the world over

00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,905

are simply rejoicing

in his second coming.

00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:11,033

Look, we don't want our son

to join your group, okay?

00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,327

We're not asking him to join us.

00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:16,121

We're asking him to lead us.

00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,333

Oh, my God.

It's John Travolta.

00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,794

Is this where he lives?

Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is?

00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:23,837

Oh, my God!

00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,173

Yes, John Travolta

and Tom Cruise

00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:27,674

are big Scientologists.

00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,176

Do you believe me now?

00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:31,970

Young man,

I know you don't remember it,

00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,848

but your name

was L. Ron Hubbard.

00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,225

You revealed a secret

00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,894

which began the whole

Church of Scientology.

00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,771

Okay, Stan.

It's late.

00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,773

Go up to your room

and get ready for bed.

00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:45,192

Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,197

Jesus Christ.

00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,156

L. Ron?

00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,075

L. Ron!

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,618

It really is you!

00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,412

Oh, this is the greatest day

of my life.

00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,747

Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.

00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,249

Don't you understand, L. Ron?

00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,959

It's me -- Tom Cruise!

00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,252

Yeah, I know who you are.

00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,753

Haven't I done well, L. Ron?

00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338

Haven't you enjoyed my acting?

00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,131

Which film did you like best?

00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,301

Well, I mean, you're not...

you're not, like,

00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,679

as good as Leonardo DiCaprio,

but you're okay, I guess.

00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,264

What?

00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,890

I mean, you're not Gene Hackman

00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,600

or that guy

that played Napoleon Dynamite,

00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,851

but you're okay.

00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,311

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:22,604

I'm nothing.

00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,940

I'm a failure

in the eyes of the prophet!

00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,483

[ Screams ]

00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:29,236

Hey! Dude, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,821

Go away!

00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,364

Dude, this is my room!

00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,117

Go away, I said!

00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:39,246

Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out

of the closet!

00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,205

What?

00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,542

Tom Cruise locked himself in my

closet, and he won't come out.

00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,963

Mr. Cruise?

00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,173

Mr. Cruise,

come out of the closet.

00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,800

No.

00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,885

Come on, Mr. Cruise.

This is ridiculous.

00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,804

I'm never coming out!

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:56,930

What did you say to him?

00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,807

I just told him I thought

the "Napoleon Dynamite" guy

00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,268

- is a better actor than he is.

- Oh, boy.

00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,062

Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay

in the closet, all right?

00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,188

You need to come out.

00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,189

What's going on?

00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,774

Tom Cruise won't come out

of the closet.

00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,068

- What?

- Just leave me alone!

00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,486

Well, we can't leave you alone

00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,905

because you won't come out

of the closet.

00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:17,075

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,954

It's been four hours now,

00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,957

and Tom Cruise still

will not come out of the closet.

00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,584

Hundreds of onlookers

have gathered here

00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,378

in hopes that the celebrity

will finally give in.

00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,423

Tom Cruise,

this is Park County police.

00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,635

Please come out of the closet.

00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,720

[ Insects chirping ]

00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:40,807

Everybody here just wants you

to come out of the closet, Tom.

00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,896

Nobody's gonna be mad.

Everything's gonna be all right.

00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,439

Just come out of the closet.

00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,692

We're still not exactly sure

why Tom Cruise is in the closet,

00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,943

but I'm being joined now

00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,488

by famous singer/songwriter

R. Kelly.

00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:56,406

♪ Well, I was

just standing here ♪

00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:59,076

♪ And Tom Cruise locked himself

in the closet ♪

00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,202

♪ And I ask myself ♪

00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,996

♪ "Why won't Tom Cruise

just come out the closet?" ♪

00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,332

♪ But nobody has no answers ♪

00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,292

♪ And so I pull out my gun ♪

00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:08,460

- [ Crowd screaming ]

- [ Gun cocks ]

00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,253

♪ Tell me why Tom Cruise

in the closet ♪

00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,547

♪ Or else

I'm gonna shoot someone ♪

00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:16,843

Please understand we just want

what is best for your son.

00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,637

The reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard

00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,514

must be taken care of.

00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,307

He had many enemies.

00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851

Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard

a science-fiction writer?

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,479

Yes, but he was also a prophet

00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,565

who knew the secret truth

about the nature of life.

00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,485

This is just too much.

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,237

We want to reveal to Stan

00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,739

the great secret of life

behind our church,

00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:41,034

the safely guarded

Scientology doctrine.

00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,496

Please. Your son deserves

to be enlightened.

00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,956

Stan, do you want to hear

00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:48,875

the great secret doctrine

of life behind Scientology?

00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,085

Sure.

00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,837

All right.

Go ahead and tell him.

00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,755

Would you excuse us, please?

00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,091

This is highly classified

Church information.

00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,427

Aw, rats.

00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,887

Usually, to hear

the secret doctrine,

00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,515

you have to be in the church

for several years, Stan.

00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,892

Are you ready to hear the truth?

00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,394

I-I guess.

00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:08,770

You see, Stan,

00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,773

there is a reason for people

feeling sad and depressed --

00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,483

an alien reason.

00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,112

It all began

75 million years ago.

00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,240

Back then, there was a galactic

federation of planets,

00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,160

which was ruled over

by the evil Lord Xenu.

00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:25,162

[ Laughs evilly ]

00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,748

PRESIDENT: Xenu thought

his galaxy was overpopulated,

00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,708

and so he rounded up

countless aliens

00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:33,378

from all different planets and

then had those aliens frozen.

00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,714

Aah!

00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,675

[ Laughs evilly ]

00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,926

PRESIDENT:

The frozen alien bodies

00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,137

were loaded onto

Xenu's galactic cruisers,

00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,015

which looked like DC-8s,

except with rocket engines.

00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,184

The cruisers then took

the frozen alien bodies

00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,269

to our planet, Earth,

00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,855

and dumped them

into the volcanoes of Hawaii.

00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,733

The aliens were no longer

frozen.

00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:55,942

They were dead.

00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,695

The souls of those aliens,

however, lived on,

00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,281

and all floated up

towards the sky.

00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,242

But the evil Lord Xenu

had prepared for this.

00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,702

[ Laughs evilly ]

00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,621

PRESIDENT: Xenu didn't want

their souls to return,

00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:10,707

and so he built giant

soul catchers in the sky!

00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,292

[Aliens screaming ]

00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,710

PRESIDENT:

The souls were taken

00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,295

to a huge soul-brainwashing

facility

00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,464

which Xenu had also built

on Earth.

00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,341

There the souls

were forced to watch days

00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,926

of brainwashing material,

00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,637

which tricked them

into believing a false reality.

00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,847

Xenu then released

the alien souls,

00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,100

which roamed the earth

aimlessly in a fog of confusion.

00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,769

At the dawn of man,

00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,688

the souls finally found bodies

which they could grab on to.

00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,107

They attached themselves

to all mankind,

00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,985

which still to this day

causes all our fears,

00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:42,322

our confusions,

and our problems.

00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,866

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,743

L. Ron Hubbard

did an amazing thing,

00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,620

telling the world

this incredible truth.

00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:52,791

Now all we're asking you to do

is pick up where he left off.

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,168

But I don't know

any of this stuff.

00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,920

Neither did L. Ron

when he started.

00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,922

He said he just closed his eyes

00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,174

and wrote down

whatever came to mind.

00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,677

You can do the same.

Just let it flow.

00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,262

Okay.

I'll try.

00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,680

I just wish I could write

in my room,

00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,181

but Tom Cruise won't come out

of the closet.

00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,015

I know.

00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,810

We've sent Nicole Kidman up

to see if she can help.

00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,648

Tom?

Tom, it's Nicole.

00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,608

TOM CRUISE:

H-Hi, Nicole.

00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,194

Tom, don't you think this has

gone on long enough?

00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,197

It's time for you to come out

of the closet.

00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,824

I'm not --

I'm not in the closet.

00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,325

Yes, you are, Tom.

00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,495

And you need to just end this

and come out.

00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,707

I'm not gonna think

any differently of you.

00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,750

Katie's not gonna think

any differently of you.

00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,795

You don't need to be

in that closet anymore, Tom.

00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,797

I'm not in here, though.

00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,300

Yes, you are.

00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,802

I'm not -- I'm not in a closet.

00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,430

Then how am I talking to you,

Tom?

00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:52,058

Tom, you can't hide forever

00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,311

just because the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard

00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,146

doesn't like your acting.

00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,399

Come out of the closet, Tom.

You're not fooling anyone.

00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:02,360

But I'm not --

I'm not in here.

00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:08,074

Yeah.

Yeah!

00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,535

Hey, Stan.

We're gonna go to the movies.

00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,996

I can't. I'm writing a new

sacred doctrine for my church.

00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,207

Look, Stan,

we're really getting concerned

00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,667

about this cult

you're getting into.

00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,836

Cult?

Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle!

00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,047

I've read all this stuff,

and it's based on fact.

00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:24,215

Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was

a science-fiction writer.

00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,092

He lived on a boat

with only young boys

00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,178

and got busted

by the feds numerous times.

00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,304

I did not!

00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,181

Those are rumors put out

by people who are afraid

00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,807

because they don't know

the secret truth!

00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,684

What secret truth?

00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,145

I can't tell unless you pay for

a few years of audit counseling.

00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,730

All I know is I was depressed

before,

00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,148

and now I've found meaning.

00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691

I didn't know

you were depressed.

00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:42,692

Neither did I.

00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,320

But now if you guys can't accept

this great thing I belong to,

00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,113

then I suppose

we're no longer friends.

00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,908

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,453

Stan, I just want you to know

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,289

that I still hate Kyle

more than you.

00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:05,173

Tom! Hey, Tom.

It's John Travolta.

00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,257

TOM CRUISE:

Oh, hey, John.

00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:08,885

Tom, you got to come out

of the closet. Oh, my God.

00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,596

L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think

I'm a great actor.

00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:15,141

M-Maybe you took what he said

out of context.

00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,226

Okay.

00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,811

It's like,

if you don't come out,

00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,438

can I at least come in

and talk to you?

00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,358

Well...okay.

But no tricks.

00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,360

No tricks.

00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,117

Hey, it's really nice in here.

00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,118

TOM CRUISE:

Yeah. See?

00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,870

JOHN TRAVOLTA:

I feel really safe. Oh, my God.

00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,289

Hello?

00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:39,916

Hey, come out of there!

00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,252

Tom, it now appears

that John Travolta

00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,588

is also in the closet

and he refuses to come out!

00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,259

Here with more details

once again is R. Kelly.

00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:51,219

♪ I was just standing here ♪

00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,555

♪ Tom Cruise locked himself

in the closet ♪

00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,806

♪ Then John Travolta come ♪

00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:57,517

♪ And now John Travolta

in the closet, too ♪

00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,436

♪ Please, Tom Cruise

and John Travolta ♪

00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,979

♪ Come out of the closet ♪

00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,064

♪ But then I calm myself down ♪

00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,150

- ♪ And I pull out my gun ♪

- [ Crowd screaming ]

00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:06,943

Oh, Jesus!

Here we go with the gun again.

00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,069

♪ If Tom Cruise

and John Travolta ♪

00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,070

♪ Don't come out of the closet ♪

00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,406

♪ I'm gonna cap this bitch ♪

00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:13,867

Yes. Yes.

00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,660

Oh, this is great, Stan.

00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:16,828

I wrote that, um...

00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,913

our followers shouldn't fly

in DC-8s anymore

00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,082

because they're too much

like Xenu's evil cruisers.

00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,418

Yes, of course.

It's so wonderful.

00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,170

And I wrote

that the evil Lord Xenu

00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,130

has recently broken out

of galactic jail.

00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,506

Yes.

Of course!

00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,759

And best of all, I wrote

that all the Scientologists

00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,428

should no longer

have to pay money to belong.

00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:34,471

What?

00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,389

I realized that to really be

a church,

00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,807

we can't charge people for help.

00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,476

What are you, stupid?

00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,686

Then how do we make money

from those people?

00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:44,147

- [ Down-tempo music plays ]

- Well, it's not about the money.

00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:45,565

It's about the message, right?

00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,026

Wait a minute.

Whoa, whoa!

00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,237

You don't actually believe

this crap, do you?

00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,200

Dummy!

Brainwashed alien souls?!

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,910

E-meters and thetan levels?!

00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,703

Those people out there buy

that crap,

00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,455

but I thought

you were smart enough

00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,082

to see what was really going on.

00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,291

But you said that there was --

00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,418

What's better than telling

people a stupid story

00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,212

and having them believe you?

00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:10,131

Having them pay you for it,

stupid!

00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591

But then...why me?

00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,593

Why do you need me to write

something so badly?

00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,220

Because if those people

all think

00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,055

you're the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard,

00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,015

then they'll all buy

your new writings,

00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:23,353

and you and I together

will make $3 million!

00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,729

$3 million?

00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,314

That's how a scam works!

00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,651

But this is a scam

on a global scale.

00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,779

Do you fucking get me now?

00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,906

Yeah.

Yeah, I get you.

00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:38,409

Then keep writing, L. Ron.

Your people are waiting.

00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,578

Breaking news

here in South park.

00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,247

Tom Cruise and John Travolta

00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,874

still will not come out

of the closet.

00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,710

Park County police have decided

to try a new method.

00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,757

♪ Now, I've been asked

to come up here ♪

00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,968

♪ And get you both

out of the closet ♪

00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,262

♪ Man, this is

some crazy shit ♪

00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,389

♪ Why won't you both just

come out the closet? ♪

00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:00,890

♪ And they said ♪

00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,434

BOTH: ♪ We're not coming

out the closet ♪

00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,770

♪ So you can just go away ♪

00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,856

♪ But everyone wants you

out the closet ♪

00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,400

BOTH: ♪ That doesn't matter

'cause we're gonna stay ♪

00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:12,402

♪ Now I'm starting

to get angry ♪

00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,946

- ♪ So I pull out my gun ♪

- [ Crowd screaming ]

00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,447

♪ I'm gonna give you

count to three ♪

00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,782

♪ To open this closet door ♪

00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,826

♪ One,

I'm gonna shoot you both ♪

00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:21,911

♪ Two,

I'm gonna cap some bitch ♪

00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,830

♪ Three... ♪

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,796

♪ Now I'm in the closet ♪

00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,215

♪ Now I'm in the closet, too ♪

00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,718

My fellow Scientologists...

00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,803

Our prophet has finished

his new doctrine

00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,680

and will now read some passages

00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,975

before making it available

to you all for a nominal fee.

00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,602

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:49,772

I give you...the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard!

00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:51,941

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,656

Uh, thanks.

00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,575

So, first of all...

00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,994

I've written that

the brainwashed alien ghosts

00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,830

are actually from a galaxy

called Nubunon.

00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,790

- Oh!

- Oh!

00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:08,625

Nubunon!

00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,419

And uh...uh...

00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,422

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,177

I-I can't do this.

00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:20,678

What?

00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,096

Look, everybody.

00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,849

We're all looking for answers,

you know?

00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,727

We all want to understand who

we are and where we come from,

00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,897

but sometimes we want to know

the answers so badly

00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,690

that we believe

just about anything.

00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,235

- Huh?

- What?

00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,029

I'm not the reincarnation

of L. Ron Hubbard.

00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,033

And...Scientology is just

a big fat global scam.

00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:44,494

Oh!

00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:46,496

We are gonna sue you!

00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,497

- What?

- Yeah!

00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,540

You think you can say

our religion is a lie?

00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,042

We'll sue you, buddy!

00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,418

You told me it was a lie!

00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,212

Oh, now you're putting words

in my mouth!

00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,214

You are so sued!

00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,383

You can't make fun

of Scientology, kid.

00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,885

We are gonna sue your ass

and your balls.

00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,512

- Yeah!

- That's right!

00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,223

How dare you mock our faith,

you little punk?

00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,517

You'll be hearing

from our lawyers tomorrow!

00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:09,936

We've just had an incredible

development here, Mitch.

00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:12,730

Tom Cruise, John Travolta,

and R. Kelly

00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:15,233

have all come out of the closet!

00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,737

So, you're not the prophet, huh?

00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:22,407

You made me look stupid.

I'm gonna sue you, too!

00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,242

Well, fine!

Go ahead and sue me!

00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,369

I will!

I'll sue you in England!

00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,454

You are so sued, kid!

00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:30,164

Well, go on, then!

Sue me!

00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,874

We're going to!

00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,584

Okay! Good!

Do it!

00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:34,919

I'm not scared of you!

00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,713

Sue me!