Застрявший в чулане — Стэн обращается за советом к саентологии, лидеры которой признают его новым пророком. Том Круз, Ар Келли и Джон Траволта запираются в чулане Стэна.

Предыдущая серия S09 E11 Рыжие дети

Следующая серия S09 E13 Освободите Виллзиака

Застрявший в чулане

Trapped in the Closet

Сезон: 09Серия: 12

Описание

Стэн обращается за советом к саентологии, лидеры которой признают его новым пророком. Том Круз, Ар Келли и Джон Траволта запираются в чулане Стэна.

Субтитры

00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:34,000 Субтитры от ghost_kk
00:00:37,225 --> 00:00:39,525 Эй, чуваки, зацените. У меня Джейк Пламмер.
00:00:39,525 --> 00:00:41,635 Блин, у меня опять дерьмовый Э. Джей Фили!
00:00:41,635 --> 00:00:43,155 А почему ты не купил карточку, Стэн?
00:00:43,155 --> 00:00:45,655 Мне нельзя тратить деньги. Я коплю на велосипед.
00:00:45,665 --> 00:00:47,375 Ха, копит деньги!
00:00:47,975 --> 00:00:51,345 Что будем делать? Сегодня суббота, и мы должны как можно лучше развлечься.
00:00:51,345 --> 00:00:53,625 О, я знаю! Пойдем поиграем в Кью-зар в Фанплексе.
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,175 Не, я не хочу тратить деньги, пацаны.
00:00:56,175 --> 00:00:57,825 Давайте сделаем что-нибудь прикольное и бесплатное.
00:00:57,845 --> 00:00:59,925 Стэн, ты что, не знаешь первый закон физики?
00:00:59,925 --> 00:01:02,255 Всё прикольное стоит по крайней мере 8 долларов.
00:01:02,255 --> 00:01:04,025 Да, чувак, нет ничего, что прикольно и бесплатно.
00:01:04,025 --> 00:01:05,175 Ну, а мне нельзя тратить деньги.
00:01:05,175 --> 00:01:07,285 Ну и будь как жид. А мы пойдём поиграем в Кью-зар.
00:01:07,285 --> 00:01:08,725 Ага. Увидимся.
00:01:11,975 --> 00:01:15,655 Эй, не хочешь сделать личностный тест? Это прикольно и бесплатно.
00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:17,585 Извините?
00:01:17,585 --> 00:01:19,485 Мы делаем бесплатные личностные тесты сегодня.
00:01:19,485 --> 00:01:20,985 О, и что надо делать?
00:01:20,985 --> 00:01:25,025 Ты слышал о сайентологии? Это основано на книге "Дианетика".
00:01:25,025 --> 00:01:29,985 Многие замечательные люди - сайентологи, например, Том Круз и Джон Траволта.
00:01:29,985 --> 00:01:33,125 Давай войдём и начнём твой бесплатный личностный тест.
00:01:34,735 --> 00:01:37,965 Поищем пустую комнату. Много людей сегодня делают бесплатный тест.
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:39,135 Привет, Брайан.
00:01:39,135 --> 00:01:40,635 Привет, Келли. Как дела?
00:01:40,635 --> 00:01:42,735 Отлично! Познакомся с моим новым другом, Стэном.
00:01:42,745 --> 00:01:44,245 Привет! Как у тебя дела?
00:01:44,245 --> 00:01:45,125 Нормально.
00:01:45,125 --> 00:01:49,315 Брайан сделает тебе личностный тест и расскажет тебе немного о сайентологии.
00:01:49,315 --> 00:01:50,875 Замечательно, замечательно!
00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:55,035 Эй, а это религия? А то моя семья вроде католики или типа того.
00:01:55,035 --> 00:02:00,335 О, это не пролема. Сайентология - это скорее альтернатива психологии, а не религия.
00:02:00,335 --> 00:02:02,785 Тогда почему здесь написано "церковь сайентологии"?
00:02:02,785 --> 00:02:06,235 О, вот что: какой сейчас рекорд у "Денвер Бронкос"? Шесть-два?
00:02:06,235 --> 00:02:07,555 Семь-два.
00:02:07,555 --> 00:02:11,125 Ого! Отлично! Хорошо, входи и присаживайся, мы немножко развлечёмся.
00:02:13,525 --> 00:02:15,445 Ладно, я просто задам тебе несколько вопросов.
00:02:15,445 --> 00:02:17,845 Отвечай на них как можно более правдиво.
00:02:18,645 --> 00:02:19,725 Вопрос 1:
00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:24,015 Ты когда-нибудь говорил что-то такое, о чём позже пришлось бы жалеть?
00:02:25,655 --> 00:02:27,005 Э, к-конечно.
00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:28,205 Ага.
00:02:28,225 --> 00:02:31,895 Ты предпочитаешь давать приказы или получать их?
00:02:31,895 --> 00:02:33,585 Да.
00:02:33,755 --> 00:02:37,655 Ты когда-нибудь свистел... просто ради удовольствия?
00:02:41,585 --> 00:02:47,215 Хорошо, и, наконец, иногда жизнь кажется тебе смутной и запутанной?
00:02:47,245 --> 00:02:48,315 Да.
00:02:48,865 --> 00:02:52,745 Ладно, Стэн. Это все. Конец твоего личностного теста.
00:02:52,745 --> 00:02:53,865 Ну, и как я?
00:02:53,875 --> 00:02:56,595 Ну, я не хотел тебе это говорить, Стэн, но...
00:02:56,595 --> 00:02:58,665 ты сильно запутался, парень.
00:02:58,775 --> 00:02:59,275 А?
00:02:59,685 --> 00:03:04,295 Да, я боюсь, ты абсолютно несчастен и сильно подавлен.
00:03:04,295 --> 00:03:06,285 Да? А я не и знал это!
00:03:06,285 --> 00:03:10,185 Ты, несомненно, отличный кандидат для сайентологии.
00:03:10,185 --> 00:03:12,635 Я думаю, это может сделать тебя опять счастливым.
00:03:12,635 --> 00:03:13,625 И что я должен делать?
00:03:13,625 --> 00:03:14,975 Это очень просто.
00:03:14,985 --> 00:03:17,985 Всё, что нужно - 240 долларов.
00:03:19,755 --> 00:03:22,695 Стэнли, ты не притронулся к еде. Что с тобой?
00:03:23,415 --> 00:03:25,145 Я сильно подавлен.
00:03:25,435 --> 00:03:26,385 Что? Почему?
00:03:26,385 --> 00:03:27,195 Не знаю.
00:03:27,195 --> 00:03:28,815 И давно ты так себя чувствуешь?
00:03:28,815 --> 00:03:32,485 Не уверен. Но... мне нужно 240 долларов.
00:03:32,485 --> 00:03:34,935 240 долларов? Что ты наделал, сломал что-нибудь?
00:03:34,935 --> 00:03:37,265 Нет, я нашёл программу самопомощи, она может мне помочь.
00:03:37,265 --> 00:03:39,745 О Господи, ответ - нет, Стэнли.
00:03:39,745 --> 00:03:41,895 Но я абсолютно несчастен, а эти люди могут помочь!
00:03:41,895 --> 00:03:43,625 Стэнли, я не знала, что ты несчастен.
00:03:43,625 --> 00:03:44,765 Я и сам не знал!
00:03:44,765 --> 00:03:48,545 Стэнли, ты что, ничего не знаешь про деньги? Деньги не растут на дереве.
00:03:48,545 --> 00:03:50,055 Тебе наплевать, что я подавлен?
00:03:50,475 --> 00:03:53,735 А если я покончу с собой или, или стану алкоголиком, как дедушка?
00:03:53,735 --> 00:03:54,135 Ааа?
00:03:54,205 --> 00:03:56,955 Ну, если тебе на самом деле так плохо, Стэн,
00:03:56,955 --> 00:03:59,605 почему бы тебе не взять то, что ты скопил на велосипед?
00:04:01,425 --> 00:04:03,735 Но... но это мои деньги.
00:04:03,735 --> 00:04:06,815 Ну, как и всем нам, тебе придётся выбирать, что делать с деньгами.
00:04:06,815 --> 00:04:09,825 Ты хочешь велосипед, или хочешь не быть подавленным?
00:04:09,825 --> 00:04:12,505 Мишель, нашему другу Стэну нужен одитинг.
00:04:12,505 --> 00:04:14,935 О, хорошо, ты станешь счастливым.
00:04:14,935 --> 00:04:15,455 Надеюсь.
00:04:15,985 --> 00:04:18,735 Это - начало новой жизни для тебя, Стэн. Увидимся позже.
00:04:19,055 --> 00:04:22,205 Отлично, у тебя есть 240 долларов?
00:04:23,435 --> 00:04:25,245 Замечательно. Давай начнём!
00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:29,185 Иди за мной, и я расскажу тебе, как работает Церковь Сайентологии.
00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:34,075 Видишь ли, Стэн, сайентология основана великим человеком по имени Л. Рон Хаббард.
00:04:34,075 --> 00:04:40,375 Мистер Хаббард обнаружил, что негативные эмоции на самом деле возникают из-за "телесных тетанов".
00:04:40,375 --> 00:04:41,065 Правда?
00:04:41,065 --> 00:04:46,965 Да! Мистер Хаббард был гением, и он открыл, как избавится от этих плохих тетанов.
00:04:46,965 --> 00:04:48,705 Это называется Е-метр.
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:50,935 Это главный прибор сайентологии.
00:04:50,935 --> 00:04:52,635 Ты просто берёшься за эти ручки,
00:04:52,635 --> 00:04:55,395 а я говорю с тобой о событиях твоей жизни.
00:04:55,435 --> 00:04:59,855 Я возьму показания вот здесь, и мы определим твой уровень тетан.
00:04:59,885 --> 00:05:00,805 Уровень тетан...
00:05:00,845 --> 00:05:03,775 Пойдем в комнату одитинга, и я покажу тебе, как это работает.
00:05:05,255 --> 00:05:07,475 Все эти люди, так же как ты, Стэн,
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,565 делают одитинг с Е-метрами, чтобы избавиться от негативных эмоций.
00:05:11,515 --> 00:05:15,645 Хорошо, Стэн, я хочу, чтобы ты расслабился и взялся за рукоятки Е-метра.
00:05:17,725 --> 00:05:19,485 И это сделает меня счастливым?
00:05:19,515 --> 00:05:23,845 Глубоко вздохни, а я получу базовые показания твоего уровня тетан.
00:05:28,915 --> 00:05:30,765 Гм, это, это странно.
00:05:30,815 --> 00:05:31,785 Что?
00:05:31,815 --> 00:05:35,875 Что-то... что-то не так. Брайан, можешь подойти на секундочку?
00:05:35,905 --> 00:05:36,915 Ага. О, привет, Грэг!
00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:37,735 Стэн.
00:05:38,225 --> 00:05:40,015 Посмотри на его уровень тетан.
00:05:40,455 --> 00:05:43,905 Хм, ну... Давайте возьмём другой Е-метр - этот, видимо, сломан.
00:05:43,905 --> 00:05:45,205 Извини, Грэг.
00:05:45,865 --> 00:05:48,205 Итак, мы просто проанализируем вашу личность,
00:05:48,205 --> 00:05:50,085 и если вам нужна помощь,
00:05:50,085 --> 00:05:52,705 мы можем дать вам консультацию за символическую плату.
00:05:52,735 --> 00:05:54,795 Ну, это звучит довольно благоразумно, пнятно.
00:05:54,945 --> 00:05:56,785 Майк, мне надо поговорить с тобой!
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,225 Извините, сэр, я сейчас вернусь.
00:05:59,345 --> 00:06:01,055 Что с тобой? Ты аж вспотел!
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:02,075 Посмотри на это.
00:06:02,115 --> 00:06:02,865 Что это?
00:06:02,905 --> 00:06:04,775 Результаты Е-метра маленького мальчика в комнате Д.
00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:08,375 Этого... Этого не может быть.
00:06:08,495 --> 00:06:12,895 Мы прогнали тест четыре раза! Использовали 4 разных Е-метра!
00:06:14,555 --> 00:06:16,735 Пошли это результаты в главный офис в Лос-Анджелесе.
00:06:16,735 --> 00:06:18,725 Президент должен увидеть это как можно быстрее.
00:06:18,725 --> 00:06:20,095 Иди! Быстрей!
00:06:24,755 --> 00:06:28,045 Мальчик из маленького горного городка в Колорадо, сэр.
00:06:28,085 --> 00:06:31,405 Сэр, как может быть такой уровень тетан при первом измерении?
00:06:31,405 --> 00:06:36,615 Он показал ОТ9! У меня только ОТ7, а я в церкви всю жизнь!
00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:41,665 Я ждал... 42 года... этот день.
00:06:41,695 --> 00:06:42,405 Сэр?
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:44,565 Вы что, не видите, что это значит?
00:06:44,565 --> 00:06:49,695 Только у одного человека был зарегистрирован ОТ9 за всю истории нашей церкви.
00:06:55,095 --> 00:06:57,905 Л. Рон Хаббард говорил, что у него были прошлые жизни.
00:06:57,905 --> 00:07:00,535 Что когда он умрёт, его тетан покажется снова.
00:07:01,565 --> 00:07:03,995 Наш пророк вернулся.
00:07:07,585 --> 00:07:10,345 Э, Стэнли, вынеси мусор перед тем, как пойдёшь спать.
00:07:10,385 --> 00:07:11,665 Я вчера выбрасывал мусор.
00:07:11,695 --> 00:07:12,755 Немедленно, Стэн!
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:13,265 А!
00:07:16,725 --> 00:07:18,375 Дебильный мусор!
00:07:20,505 --> 00:07:22,215 Вот он!
00:07:27,095 --> 00:07:28,825 Спасибо, что вернулся.
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:32,405 Он замечательный. Он замечательный.
00:07:34,125 --> 00:07:36,465 Стэн! Что ты натворил?
00:07:36,495 --> 00:07:37,375 Не знаю!
00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:47,595 Привет, молодой человек. Я глава сайентологии.
00:07:47,595 --> 00:07:51,345 Это... большая честь - встретить вас!
00:07:53,455 --> 00:07:55,615 Хорошо, что здесь, чёрт возьми, происходит?!
00:07:55,645 --> 00:07:58,945 Мы искали вашего сына очень давно, мистер Марш.
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:02,825 Он - реинкарнация знаменитого пророка нашей церкви.
00:08:03,415 --> 00:08:04,105 Что?
00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:07,955 Сайентологи всего мира празднуют его второе пришествие.
00:08:07,995 --> 00:08:11,075 Эй, мы не хотим, чтобы наш сын присоединялся к вашей группе, понятно?
00:08:11,105 --> 00:08:15,505 Мы просим его не присоединиться к нам, мы просим его... возглавить нас.
00:08:16,415 --> 00:08:18,555 Боже мой, это Джон Траволта!
00:08:20,365 --> 00:08:23,765 Здесь он живёт? Здесь Л. Рон Хаббард? Боже мой!
00:08:24,005 --> 00:08:27,925 Да, Джон Траволта и Том Круз - большие сайентологи.
00:08:27,935 --> 00:08:29,365 Сейчас вы мне верите?
00:08:29,905 --> 00:08:32,655 Молодой человек, я знаю, ты не помнишь это, но...
00:08:32,665 --> 00:08:34,855 тебя зовут Л. Рон Хаббард.
00:08:35,025 --> 00:08:38,965 Ты открыл секрет, который положил начало Церкви Сайентологии.
00:08:39,025 --> 00:08:42,805 Ладно, Стэн, уже поздно, иди в свою комнату и готовься спать!
00:08:42,805 --> 00:08:44,645 Мамочка и папочка позаботятся об этом.
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:50,205 Господи Иисуси...
00:08:50,235 --> 00:08:52,685 Л. Рон? Л. Рон!
00:08:53,085 --> 00:08:57,455 Это правда вы! О, это величайший день в моей жизни.
00:08:57,485 --> 00:08:58,765 Ааа, чувак, мне надо спать.
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:02,135 Вы не понимаете, Л. Рон? Это я! Том Круз!
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,365 Да, я знаю, кто вы.
00:09:03,405 --> 00:09:04,925 Что вы обо мне думаете, Л. Рон?
00:09:04,925 --> 00:09:07,835 Вам нравится, как я играю? Какой фильм вам больше всего нравится?
00:09:08,145 --> 00:09:10,305 Ну, я считаю, вы не...
00:09:10,315 --> 00:09:13,855 вы не так хороши, как Леонардо ди Каприо, но вы ничего, я думаю.
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:15,595 ...Что?
00:09:15,625 --> 00:09:18,505 Я думаю, вы не Джин Хэкман или тот парень, который играл Взрывного Наполеона,
00:09:18,505 --> 00:09:19,725 но вы ничего.
00:09:21,375 --> 00:09:22,675 Я - ничто!
00:09:23,065 --> 00:09:25,345 Я - неудачник в глазах Пророка!
00:09:26,305 --> 00:09:27,445 Эй!
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:29,315 Извини, чувак. Я не это хотел сказать.
00:09:29,495 --> 00:09:30,305 Уходи!
00:09:30,775 --> 00:09:32,245 Чувак, это моя комната!
00:09:32,395 --> 00:09:34,115 Я сказал, уходи!
00:09:35,755 --> 00:09:38,495 Папа! Том Круз не выходит из чулана!
00:09:39,555 --> 00:09:40,245 Что?
00:09:40,795 --> 00:09:43,145 Том Круз закрылся в моём чулане и не выходит.
00:09:46,825 --> 00:09:49,835 Мистер Круз? Мистер Круз, выходите из чулана.
00:09:50,605 --> 00:09:51,485 Нет!
00:09:51,915 --> 00:09:54,125 Давайте, мистер Круз, это просто нелепо.
00:09:54,155 --> 00:09:55,595 Я никогда не выйду!
00:09:56,065 --> 00:09:57,315 Что ты ему сказал?
00:09:57,355 --> 00:10:00,045 Я просто сказал, что думаю, что Взрывной Наполеон лучший актёр, чем он.
00:10:00,075 --> 00:10:01,175 О, блин.
00:10:02,005 --> 00:10:05,305 Мистер Круз, вы же не можете оставаться в чулане, правильно? Вам надо выйти.
00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:06,325 Что происходит?
00:10:06,365 --> 00:10:07,935 Том Круз не выходит из чулана.
00:10:07,965 --> 00:10:08,685 Что?
00:10:08,715 --> 00:10:09,955 Оставьте меня в покое!
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:13,405 Но мы не можем оставить вас в покое, потому что вы не выходите из чулана!
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:24,550 Прошло уже 4 часа, и Том Круз всё ещё не выходит из чулана.
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:28,500 Сотни человек собрались здесь в надежде, что знаменитость наконец-то уступит.
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:34,680 Том Круз, это полиция округа Парк! Пожалуйста, выходите из чулана.
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,390 Все здесь просто ждут, пока вы выйдите из чулана, Том.
00:10:43,290 --> 00:10:47,780 Никто не сердится, всё будет в порядке. Просто выходите из чулана.
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:51,230 Мы всё ещё не знаем, почему Том Круз в чулане,
00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:54,600 но к нам присоединился знаменитый певец и автор песен Р. Келли.
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:59,500 Я стою здесь, а Том Круз закрылся в чулане.
00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:03,310 Я спрашиваю себя: почему Том Круз не выходит из чулана?
00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:05,960 Никто не знает ответ,
00:11:06,370 --> 00:11:08,370 и я достану свою пушку!
00:11:08,770 --> 00:11:12,510 Скажите, почему Том Круз не выходит из чулана, или я подстрелю кого-нибудь!
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:17,330 Пожалуйста, поймите, мы хотим сделать лучше для вашего сына.
00:11:17,330 --> 00:11:20,830 Нужно заботиться о реинкарнации Л. Рона Хаббарда.
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,310 У него много врагов.
00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:25,290 Но Л. Рон Хаббард был автором научной фантастики?
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:31,070 Да. Но он был также пророком... знающим секретную истину о природе жизни.
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:33,950 Это слишком много.
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:38,050 Мы хотим открыть Стэну великий секрет нашей церкви о жизни.
00:11:38,050 --> 00:11:41,160 Бережно охраняемое учение сайентологии.
00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:44,660 Пожалуйста, ваш сын заслуживает этого.
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,820 Стэн, ты хочешь услышать великое секретное учение сайентологов о жизни?
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:50,390 Конечно.
00:11:50,430 --> 00:11:52,200 Ладно, давайте, расскажите ему.
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,520 Можете оставить нас одних, пожалуйста? Это секретная информация церкви.
00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:58,450 А, фигня.
00:11:59,270 --> 00:12:01,350 Обычно, чтобы услышать секретное учение,
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,610 ты должен быть в церкви несколько лет, Стэн.
00:12:03,740 --> 00:12:05,620 Ты готов услышать правду?
00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:07,850 Думаю, да.
00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:11,910 Видишь ли, Стэн, есть причина, по которой люди чувствуют себе печальными и подавленными.
00:12:11,910 --> 00:12:13,830 Инопланетная причина.
00:12:13,830 --> 00:12:17,620 Всё началось 75 миллионов лет назад.
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:20,830 Тогда существовала галактическая федерация планет,
00:12:20,830 --> 00:12:23,790 которой правил злой Лорд Зину.
00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:25,590 Хо-хо-хо-хо-хо-хо.
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,300 Зину думал, что его галактика перенаселена,
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:31,550 и он собрал бесчисленных пришельцев с разных планет,
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,870 и потом заморозил этих пришельцев.
00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:39,040 ЭТО ТО, ВО ЧТО НА САМОМ ДЕЛЕ ВЕРЯТ САЙЕНТОЛОГИ
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:42,400 Замороженные тела пришельцев погрузили в галактические крейсеры Зину,
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,480 Которые выглядели как DC-8s, но с ракетными двигателями.
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,560 Потом крейсеры привезли замороженные тела на нашу планету, Землю,
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,150 И выбросили их в вулканы на Гавайях
00:12:53,350 --> 00:12:56,280 Пришельцы больше не были заморожены, они были мертвы.
00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:01,340 Тем не менее, их души были живы, и они все взлетели к небу.
00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:04,690 Но злой Лорд Зину был готов к этому.
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,000 Хо-хо-хо-хо.
00:13:06,030 --> 00:13:08,050 Зину не хотел, чтобы эти души вернулись!
00:13:08,050 --> 00:13:10,800 И он построил гигантские улавливатели душ в небесах!
00:13:12,570 --> 00:13:15,770 Души поместили в огромное устройство для промывания мозгов,
00:13:15,770 --> 00:13:17,730 которое Зину тоже построил на Земле.
00:13:17,910 --> 00:13:21,190 Там души были вынуждены целыми днями смотреть фильмы для промывания мозгов,
00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:23,650 и это заставило их поверить в фальшивую реальность.
00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:26,240 Потом Зину освободил души пришельцев,
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,250 и они бесцельно бродили по земле в тумане смятения.
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:34,100 Когда зародилось человечество, души наконец-то нашли тела, которые могли захватить.
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:36,500 Они прикрепились ко всему человечеству,
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:42,080 и по сей день они остаются причиной наших страхов, нашего смятения и наших проблем.
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:49,000 Л. Рон Хаббард сделал потрясающую вещь, рассказав миру эту невероятную правду.
00:13:49,010 --> 00:13:53,330 Теперь мы все просим тебя рассказать то, что он упустил.
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,550 Но я не знаю ничего из этих вещей.
00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:57,570 Л. Рон тоже не знал, когда начинал.
00:13:57,570 --> 00:14:01,320 Он просто закрыл глаза, и записал всё, что пришло в голову.
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,990 Сделай то же самое. Просто позволь этому выйти.
00:14:04,170 --> 00:14:05,750 Ладно, я попробую.
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:08,680 Только я хочу писать в своей комнате, а Том Круз не выходит из чулана.
00:14:08,770 --> 00:14:12,110 Я знаю. Мы послали наверх Николь Кидман, может быть, она сможет помочь.
00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:16,260 Том? Том, это Николь.
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,490 А, привет, Николь.
00:14:18,860 --> 00:14:21,220 Том, ты не думаешь, что этого достаточно?
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,710 Пора выходить из чулана.
00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:26,530 Я не... Я не в чулане.
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,800 Ты в чулане, Том.
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,570 И тебе надо прекращать это и выйти.
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,280 Я не думаю о тебе ничего плохого.
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,230 Кэти не думает о тебе ничего плохого.
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:38,800 Тебе не нужно больше сидеть в этом чулане, Том.
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:41,170 Но меня всё-таки здесь нет.
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,180 Да, ты здесь.
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,000 Я не... Я не в чулане.
00:14:46,380 --> 00:14:48,440 Тогда как я говорю с тобой, Том?
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:53,370 Том, ты не можешь вечно прятаться просто потому, что
00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:56,090 реинкарнации Л. Рона Хаббарда не нравится, как ты играешь.
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,260 Выходи из чулана, Том. Ты никого не обманешь.
00:15:00,170 --> 00:15:01,930 Но меня... меня нет здесь.
00:15:07,110 --> 00:15:08,110 Да, да!
00:15:08,610 --> 00:15:10,870 Эй, Стэн, мы хотим пойти в кино.
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:13,360 Я не могу. Я пишу новое священное учение для моей церкви.
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:18,110 Слушай, Стэн, мы все очень беспокоимся, что ты попал в эту секту.
00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:22,400 Секта? Сайентология не секта, Кайл. Я читал это всё, и это основано на фактах.
00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:24,730 Чувак, Л. Рон Хаббард - писатель-фантаст.
00:15:24,730 --> 00:15:28,460 Он жил на лодке с молодыми мальчиками, и его много раз арестовывало ФБР.
00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:29,560 Нет!
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:30,470 Это всё слухи,
00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:33,050 их придумывают люди, которые боятся, потому что не знают секретную истину.
00:15:33,510 --> 00:15:34,980 Какую секретную истину?
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:37,710 Я не могу тебе сказать, пока ты не пройдёшь через несколько лет консультаций.
00:15:37,710 --> 00:15:40,710 Всё, что я знаю: раньше я был подавлен, а теперь я нашёл своё предназначение!
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,260 Я не знал, что ты был подавлен.
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:42,980 А я был!
00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:45,920 Сейчас, если вы, пацаны, не можете принять то, чему я принадлежу,
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,600 тогда мы не можем больше быть друзьями!
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,500 Стэн, я хочу чтоб ты знал - я...
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,600 всё ещё ненавижу Кайла больше тебя.
00:16:02,018 --> 00:16:04,678 Том! Привет, Том, это Джон Траволта.
00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:06,428 О, привет, Джон.
00:16:06,468 --> 00:16:09,418 Том, ты должен выйти из чулана. Боже мой.
00:16:09,448 --> 00:16:11,648 Л. Рон Хаббард не думает, что я хороший актёр.
00:16:11,688 --> 00:16:14,998 Мм-может быть, ты просто не понял, что он хотел сказать.
00:16:16,028 --> 00:16:20,418 Хорошо, если ты не выйдешь, могу я хотя бы войти и поговорить с тобой?
00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:23,878 О... Ладно, но без обмана.
00:16:23,908 --> 00:16:25,438 Без обмана.
00:16:30,408 --> 00:16:32,168 Эй, а здесь на самом деле хорошо.
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:33,318 Да, видишь?
00:16:33,348 --> 00:16:35,638 Я чувствую себя в безопасности. Боже мой.
00:16:37,548 --> 00:16:40,058 Эй! Выходите оттуда!
00:16:40,088 --> 00:16:44,018 Том, только что стало известно, что Джон Траволта тоже в чулане,
00:16:44,018 --> 00:16:45,898 и он отказывается выходить.
00:16:45,908 --> 00:16:49,128 И здесь опять Р. Келли, с подробностями.
00:16:49,828 --> 00:16:53,538 Я стою здесь. Том Круз закрылся в чулане.
00:16:53,578 --> 00:16:57,738 Потом пришёл Джон Траволта, и теперь Джон Траволта тоже в чулане.
00:16:57,768 --> 00:17:01,248 Пожалуйста, Том Круз и Джон Траволта, выходите из чулана!
00:17:01,278 --> 00:17:03,378 И тогда я успокоюсь,
00:17:03,778 --> 00:17:05,478 и я достану свою пушку!
00:17:05,488 --> 00:17:07,278 О Боже, опять началось.
00:17:07,308 --> 00:17:10,798 Если Том Круз и Джон Траволта не выйдут из чулана, я прикончу эту сучку!
00:17:12,408 --> 00:17:15,868 Да... Да, это великолепно, Стэн!
00:17:16,148 --> 00:17:17,138 Я написал, что, ммм...
00:17:17,148 --> 00:17:19,218 наши последователи не должны больше летать на DC-8s,
00:17:19,228 --> 00:17:21,248 потому что они очень похожи на крейсеры злого Зину.
00:17:21,278 --> 00:17:23,838 Да конечно! Замечательно!
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:27,588 И я написал, что злой Лорд Зину недавно сбежал из галактической тюрьмы.
00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:28,758 Да, конечно!
00:17:28,788 --> 00:17:29,578 И самое лучшее,
00:17:29,578 --> 00:17:33,368 я написал, что больше не нужно платить деньги, чтобы быть сайентологом.
00:17:33,798 --> 00:17:34,638 Что?
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:38,088 Я понял, чтобы быть на самом деле церковью, мы не должны брать деньги за помощь.
00:17:38,628 --> 00:17:41,788 Ты чё, идиот? Как мы тогда сделаем деньги на этих людях?
00:17:42,738 --> 00:17:46,038 Ну, это всё не из-за денег, это из-за идеи, правильно?
00:17:46,068 --> 00:17:48,138 По-одожди минутку!
00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:51,058 Ты что, на самом деле веришь в это дерьмо?
00:17:52,758 --> 00:17:55,488 Болван! Промывка мозгов, души пришельцев??
00:17:55,488 --> 00:17:57,358 Е-метры и уровень тетан?
00:17:57,358 --> 00:17:59,598 Все эти люди хавают это дерьмо, и я думал,
00:17:59,598 --> 00:18:02,288 ты достаточно умён, чтобы видеть что на самом деле происходит!
00:18:02,478 --> 00:18:03,828 Но вы говорили, что были-
00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:07,278 Что может быть лучше, чем рассказывать людям тупые истории и заставлять их верить тебе?
00:18:07,398 --> 00:18:09,888 Заставлять их ПЛАТИТЬ тебе за это, идиот!
00:18:10,228 --> 00:18:11,958 Но тогда, почему я?
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,768 Почему вам нужен я, чтобы написать что-то такое дурацкое?
00:18:13,808 --> 00:18:17,358 Потому что, если все эти люди думают, что ты реинкарнация Л. Рона Хаббарда,
00:18:17,358 --> 00:18:19,338 тогда они купят твои новые сочинения,
00:18:19,338 --> 00:18:23,158 и мы с тобой сделаем три миллиона долларов!
00:18:23,868 --> 00:18:25,018 Три миллиона долларов?
00:18:25,058 --> 00:18:29,888 Вот так работает мошенничество! Но это - мошенничество в глобальном размере!
00:18:29,888 --> 00:18:31,858 Теперь-то, б*я, врубился?!
00:18:33,268 --> 00:18:35,088 Да. Да, врубился.
00:18:35,128 --> 00:18:38,378 Тогда продолжай писать, Л. Рон! Твои люди ждут.
00:18:39,378 --> 00:18:40,988 Срочные новости из Саут-Парка.
00:18:40,988 --> 00:18:44,818 Том Круз и Джон Траволта всё ещё... не хотят выходить из чулана.
00:18:44,818 --> 00:18:47,858 Полиция округа Парк решила попробовать новый метод.
00:18:50,978 --> 00:18:55,258 Меня попросили прийти сюда, вытащить вас обоих из чулана.
00:18:55,298 --> 00:18:59,828 Блин, это какая-то безумная х*йня. Почему бы вам просто не выйти из чулана?
00:18:59,868 --> 00:19:00,848 И они сказали...
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:05,858 Мы не выйдем из чулана, а ты можешь просто уйти.
00:19:05,898 --> 00:19:08,088 Но все хотят, чтобы вы вышли из чулана.
00:19:08,118 --> 00:19:10,828 Это неважно, потому что мы останемся.
00:19:10,868 --> 00:19:14,468 Теперь я начинаю злиться, и я достану свою пушку!
00:19:15,248 --> 00:19:18,338 Я считаю до трёх, а вы открываете эту дверь.
00:19:18,378 --> 00:19:20,628 Раз. Я подстрелю вас обоих.
00:19:20,668 --> 00:19:23,288 Два. Я прикончу какую-нибудь сучку. Три-
00:19:30,338 --> 00:19:34,228 Теперь я в чулане. Теперь я тоже в чулане.
00:19:35,198 --> 00:19:37,128 Мои собратья сайентологи!
00:19:37,128 --> 00:19:39,368 Наш пророк дописал наше новое учение,
00:19:39,368 --> 00:19:41,048 и сейчас он прочитает несколько отрывков,
00:19:41,048 --> 00:19:44,038 прежде чем предоставить это в ваше распоряжение, за символическую плату.
00:19:46,198 --> 00:19:50,098 Я представляю вам реинкарнацию Л. Рона Хаббарда!
00:19:57,408 --> 00:19:58,908 Э, спасибо.
00:19:58,908 --> 00:20:03,278 Прежде всего, я написал, что призраки пришельцев, которым промыли мозги,
00:20:03,278 --> 00:20:06,378 на самом деле из галактики Нубанон.
00:20:08,098 --> 00:20:09,118 Нубанон.
00:20:09,158 --> 00:20:10,138 И...
00:20:17,478 --> 00:20:19,808 Я... Я не могу.
00:20:19,838 --> 00:20:20,948 Что?
00:20:20,988 --> 00:20:22,628 Слушайте, все.
00:20:22,628 --> 00:20:25,098 Мы все ищем ответ, знаете.
00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:28,588 Мы все хотим понять, кто мы и откуда мы, но...
00:20:28,598 --> 00:20:31,468 иногда мы хотим знать ответы так сильно, что...
00:20:31,478 --> 00:20:33,268 ...готовы поверить хоть во что.
00:20:34,418 --> 00:20:35,198 Что?
00:20:35,938 --> 00:20:38,218 Я - не реинкарнация Л. Рона Хаббарда.
00:20:38,218 --> 00:20:42,028 И... сайентология - это просто большое всемирное мошенничество.
00:20:43,908 --> 00:20:46,208 О! Мы засудим тебя!
00:20:46,708 --> 00:20:47,208 Что??
00:20:47,238 --> 00:20:51,398 Да, ты думаешь, ты можешь сказать, что наша религия - ложь?! Мы засудим тебя, дружище!
00:20:51,428 --> 00:20:52,498 ВЫ говорили мне, что это ложь!
00:20:52,528 --> 00:20:56,528 Ну вот, теперь ты говоришь, что я это сказал! Тебя таак засудят!
00:20:56,558 --> 00:21:01,178 Нельзя смеяться над сайентологией, парень! Мы засудим твою жопу и твои яйца!
00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:02,658 Да, правильно!
00:21:02,688 --> 00:21:05,378 Как ты посмел насмехаться над нашей верой, маленький паршивец?!
00:21:05,378 --> 00:21:07,818 Завтра тебя послушают наши адвокаты!
00:21:07,858 --> 00:21:10,418 У нас невероятное развитие событий, Митч.
00:21:10,418 --> 00:21:15,148 Том Круз, Джон Траволта и Р. Келли - они все вышли из чулана!
00:21:17,978 --> 00:21:20,018 Так ты не пророк, да?
00:21:20,018 --> 00:21:22,678 Из-за тебя я глупо выглядел! Я тоже засужу тебя!
00:21:22,818 --> 00:21:24,498 Ну и ладно! Давайте, засудите меня!
00:21:24,538 --> 00:21:26,648 Засужу! Я засужу тебя в Англии.
00:21:26,678 --> 00:21:28,658 Тебя ТАК засудят, парень!
00:21:28,698 --> 00:21:30,498 Ну, давайте, засудите меня!
00:21:30,528 --> 00:21:32,018 Мы уже собираемся!
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:36,778 Ну и хорошо! Сделайте это! Я не боюсь вас! Засудите меня!
00:21:38,678 --> 00:21:42,678 Перевод by ghost_kk, e-mail: ghost_kk@mail.ru

00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:12,430 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,284 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:39,165 Oh, dude, check it out! I got a Jake Plummer.
00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,250 Aw, man. I got a crappy A.J. Feeley again.
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,877 How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,961 I can't spend any money.
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,546 I'm saving up for that bike I want.
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,339 Ha! Saving money! Duh!
00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,467 So, what should we do now? It's Saturday.
00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:51,052 We have to have as much fun as possible.
00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:53,304 Hey, I know. Let's go play laser tag at Funplex.
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,305 Mrph rmh!
00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,973 No. I don't want to spend any money, you guys.
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,767 Let's just do something fun that's free.
00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,643 Stan, don't you know the first law of physics?
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,146 Anything that's fun costs at least $8.
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,856 Yeah, dude. Nothing fun is free.
00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,232 Well, I can't spend any money.
00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,151 Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag.
00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,944 Yeah. See ya!
00:01:11,781 --> 00:01:14,075 Hello. Would you like to take a personality test?
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,993 It's fun and it's free.
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:17,453 Excuse me?
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,413 We're doing free personality tests today.
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,998 What do I have to do?
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,750 Have you heard of Scientology?
00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:25,044 It's all based on the book "Dianetics."
00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,338 A lot of really cool people are Scientologists,
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:29,673 like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:30,883 Why don't you come on in
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,302 and we'll get your fun, free personality test started?
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:35,971 Let's just find an empty room here.
00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,973 Lots of people getting free tests today.
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,141 Hey, Brian!
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,434 Hey, Kelly! How's it going?
00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:42,478 Great. I want you to meet my new friend, Stan.
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,105 Hey there! How are you?
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,106 Fine.
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:46,857 Brian's gonna give you your personality test
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,151 and then let you know some things about Scientology.
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,736 Good times. Good times.
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,154 Look, is this a religion?
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,824 Because my family is, like, Catholic or something.
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,242 Oh, that's not a problem at all.
00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,828 Scientology is more of an alternative to psychology
00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,037 than a religion.
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,498 Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,541 Oh, that's just this thing.
00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,168 What's the Denver Broncos' record now, 6-2?
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,211 7-2.
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,504 Wow! That's great!
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,005 All right. Come on in and take a seat.
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,049 We're gonna have some fun.
00:02:13,551 --> 00:02:15,261 All right. I'm just gonna ask you a few questions.
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,596 Just answer these as truthfully as you can, all right?
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,682 Okay. Number one --
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:24,311 Do you ever make remarks which you later regret?
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,148 Uh...sure?
00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:28,357 Uh-huh.
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,027 Would you rather give orders than take them?
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:32,862 Yeah.
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:37,658 Do you ever whistle just for the fun of it?
00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:42,413 Okay.
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:45,457 And, finally, does life sometimes feel vague
00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,126 and confusing to you?
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,586 Yes.
00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,421 Okay, Stan. Well, that's it.
00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:52,673 That's the end of the personality test.
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:53,799 So, how'd I do?
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:56,635 Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but...
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,596 you are one messed-up kid.
00:02:58,721 --> 00:02:59,889 - Huh?! - Yeah.
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:02,308 I'm afraid that you are completely miserable
00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,226 and totally depressed.
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,270 I am? I didn't know that!
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,688 Well, there's certainly no question
00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:10,065 that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,401 I think it can really make you happy again.
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,527 W-What do I do?
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:14,737 It's very simple.
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:18,073 We just need $240.
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,410 Stanley, you haven't touched your food.
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,162 What's the matter with you?
00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,080 I'm totally depressed.
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,874 - What? Why? - I don't know.
00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,834 Well, how long have you been feeling this way?
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:29,960 I'm not sure.
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,129 But...I need $240.
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,715 $240? What'd you do, break something?
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,176 No. I found a self-help program that can cure me.
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:39,637 Oh, Jesus. The answer is no, Stanley.
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,680 But I'm completely miserable, and these people can help.
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,474 Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable.
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,683 Neither did I!
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,602 Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all?
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,562 Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,356 Don't you care that I'm depressed?
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,815 What if I become suicidal or --
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,609 or become an alcoholic like Grandpa?
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,443 Huh?!
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,737 Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan,
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,240 why don't you take what you have out of your bicycle savings?
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535 Well, but -- but that's <i>my</i> money.
00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:04,995 Well, just like the rest of us,
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,705 you have to make choices with your money.
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,708 You want a bike or do you want to not be depressed?
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,253 Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing.
00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:14,630 Oh, good for you! You're gonna be so happy.
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,547 I hope so.
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,633 It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan.
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,218 See you afterwards.
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:22,596 Great. So, do you have the $240?
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,391 Perfect! We're on our way.
00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:26,892 Come on over here, and I'll fill you in
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,852 on how the Church of Scientology works.
00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:31,480 You see, Stan, Scientology was founded
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,941 by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.
00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,777 Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:40,239 are actually caused by things called body thetans.
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:41,323 - Really? - Yes!
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,200 And being the genius that he was,
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:46,829 Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans.
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,789 This is called an e-meter.
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,749 It's the main tool of Scientology.
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,584 You just grab hold of these handles
00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:55,504 as I talk you through past experiences in your life.
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,339 I'll be taking readings here,
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,633 and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels.
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,010 Thetan levels.
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:03,637 Come on in the auditing room, and I'll show you how it works.
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,391 All these people are just like you, Stan,
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:11,103 auditing with e-meters to get rid of their negative emotions.
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,187 All right, Stan.
00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,439 I want you to just relax
00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:15,607 and take hold of the e-meter handles.
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,445 So, this is gonna make me happy?
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,113 Just take a few deep breaths,
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,907 and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels.
00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:30,873 Huh. That's -- That's strange.
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:31,707 What?
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,625 Some-- Something's wrong.
00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,502 Brian, could you come over here a second?
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,129 Yeah. Oh, hey there, Greg!
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,130 Stan.
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,299 Will you look at his thetan levels?
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,634 Huh. Well -- Well, get another e-meter.
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,094 This one's obviously broken.
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,554 Sorry about this, Greg.
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,182 And so we just try to analyze your personality.
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,059 And if it seems like you need some help,
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,644 then you can have audit counseling for a nominal fee.
00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:55,022 Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay.
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,940 Mike, I need to talk to you.
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,401 Excuse me, sir. I'll be right back.
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,986 Are you all right? You're sweating!
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,821 - Take a look at this. - What is it?
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,157 The e-meter results from the little boy in room D.
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:08,369 This...This can't be right.
00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:10,954 We ran the test four times.
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,957 We used four different e-meters.
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,668 Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles.
00:06:16,794 --> 00:06:18,670 The president has to see this right away.
00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:21,131 Go! Now!
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,055 The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir.
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,681 Sir, how can it be that a first-timer
00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:31,475 scores that kind of thetan level?
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,143 He registered O.T. 9.
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,730 I'm only O.T. 7, and I've been in the church all my life!
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:41,276 I've waited 42 years for this day.
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,319 Sir?
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,571 Don't you all see what this means?
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,574 There's only one person who ever registered O.T. 9
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,993 in the history of our church.
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:57,709 L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives,
00:06:57,835 --> 00:07:01,296 that when he died, his thetan would show itself again.
00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:04,341 Our prophet has returned.
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,139 Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed.
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682 I took out the garbage yesterday.
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:12,724 Right now, Stan.
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:18,522 Stupid, dumb garbage.
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,152 There he is!
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,907 Thank you for returning!
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,828 He's wonderful. He's wonderful.
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,914 Stan, what the hell did you do?
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,207 I don't know!
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,591 Hello, young man.
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,426 I'm the head of Scientology.
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:51,430 It is...a great honor to meet you.
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,726 All right. What the hell is going on here?
00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,812 We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:02,941 He is the reincarnation of our church's most sacred prophet.
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,151 What?
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,777 Scientologists the world over
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,905 are simply rejoicing in his second coming.
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:11,033 Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,327 We're not asking him to join us.
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:16,121 We're asking him to <i>lead</i> us.
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,333 Oh, my God. It's John Travolta.
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,794 Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is?
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:23,837 Oh, my God!
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,173 Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise
00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:27,674 are big Scientologists.
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,176 Do you believe me now?
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:31,970 Young man, I know you don't remember it,
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,848 but your name was L. Ron Hubbard.
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,225 You revealed a secret
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,894 which began the whole Church of Scientology.
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,771 Okay, Stan. It's late.
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,773 Go up to your room and get ready for bed.
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:45,192 Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,197 Jesus Christ.
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,156 L. Ron?
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,075 L. Ron!
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,618 It really is you!
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,412 Oh, this is the greatest day of my life.
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,747 Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,249 Don't you understand, L. Ron?
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,959 It's me -- Tom Cruise!
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,252 Yeah, I know who you are.
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,753 Haven't I done well, L. Ron?
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338 Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,131 Which film did you like best?
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,301 Well, I mean, you're not... you're not, like,
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,679 as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess.
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,264 What?
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,890 I mean, you're not Gene Hackman
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,600 or that guy that played Napoleon Dynamite,
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,851 but you're okay.
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:22,604 I'm nothing.
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,940 I'm a failure in the eyes of the prophet!
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:29,236 Hey! Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,821 Go away!
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,364 Dude, this is my room!
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,117 Go away, I said!
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:39,246 Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,205 What?
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,542 Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet, and he won't come out.
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,963 Mr. Cruise?
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,173 Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,800 No.
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,885 Come on, Mr. Cruise. This is ridiculous.
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,804 I'm never coming out!
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:56,930 What did you say to him?
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,807 I just told him I thought the "Napoleon Dynamite" guy
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,268 - is a better actor than he is. - Oh, boy.
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,062 Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, all right?
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,188 You need to come out.
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,189 What's going on?
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,774 Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,068 - What? - Just leave me alone!
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,486 Well, we can't leave you alone
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,905 because you won't come out of the closet.
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,954 It's been four hours now,
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,957 and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet.
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,584 Hundreds of onlookers have gathered here
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,378 in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in.
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,423 Tom Cruise, this is Park County police.
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,635 Please come out of the closet.
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:40,807 Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom.
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,896 Nobody's gonna be mad. Everything's gonna be all right.
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,439 Just come out of the closet.
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,692 We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet,
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,943 but I'm being joined now
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,488 by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:56,406 ♪ Well, I was just standing here ♪
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:59,076 ♪ And Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet ♪
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,202 ♪ And I ask myself ♪
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,996 ♪ "Why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?" ♪
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,332 ♪ But nobody has no answers ♪
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,292 ♪ And so I pull out my gun ♪
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,253 ♪ Tell me why Tom Cruise in the closet ♪
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,547 ♪ Or else I'm gonna shoot someone ♪
00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:16,843 Please understand we just want what is best for your son.
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,637 The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,514 must be taken care of.
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,307 He had many enemies.
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851 Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,479 Yes, but he was also a prophet
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,565 who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,485 This is just too much.
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,237 We want to reveal to Stan
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,739 the great secret of life behind our church,
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:41,034 the safely guarded Scientology doctrine.
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,496 Please. Your son deserves to be enlightened.
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,956 Stan, do you want to hear
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:48,875 the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,085 Sure.
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,837 All right. Go ahead and tell him.
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,755 Would you excuse us, please?
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,091 This is highly classified Church information.
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,427 Aw, rats.
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,887 Usually, to hear the secret doctrine,
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,515 you have to be in the church for several years, Stan.
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,892 Are you ready to hear the truth?
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,394 I-I guess.
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:08,770 You see, Stan,
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,773 there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed --
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,483 an alien reason.
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,112 It all began 75 million years ago.
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,240 Back then, there was a galactic federation of planets,
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,160 which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu.
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,748 Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated,
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,708 and so he rounded up countless aliens
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:33,378 from all different planets and then had those aliens frozen.
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,714 Aah!
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,926 The frozen alien bodies
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,137 were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers,
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,015 which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines.
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,184 The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,269 to our planet, Earth,
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,855 and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii.
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,733 The aliens were no longer frozen.
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:55,942 They were dead.
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,695 The souls of those aliens, however, lived on,
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,281 and all floated up towards the sky.
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,242 But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,621 Xenu didn't want their souls to return,
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:10,707 and so he built giant soul catchers in the sky!
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,710 The souls were taken
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,295 to a huge soul-brainwashing facility
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,464 which Xenu had also built on Earth.
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,341 There the souls were forced to watch days
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,926 of brainwashing material,
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,637 which tricked them into believing a false reality.
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,847 Xenu then released the alien souls,
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,100 which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion.
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,769 At the dawn of man,
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,688 the souls finally found bodies which they could grab on to.
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,107 They attached themselves to all mankind,
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,985 which still to this day causes all our fears,
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:42,322 our confusions, and our problems.
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,743 L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing,
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,620 telling the world this incredible truth.
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:52,791 Now all we're asking you to do is pick up where he left off.
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,168 But I don't know any of this stuff.
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,920 Neither did L. Ron when he started.
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,922 He said he just closed his eyes
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,174 and wrote down whatever came to mind.
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,677 You can do the same. Just let it flow.
00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,262 Okay. I'll try.
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,680 I just wish I could write in my room,
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,181 but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,015 I know.
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,810 We've sent Nicole Kidman up to see if she can help.
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,648 Tom? Tom, it's Nicole.
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,608 H-Hi, Nicole.
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,194 Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough?
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,197 It's time for you to come out of the closet.
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,824 I'm not -- I'm not in the closet.
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,325 Yes, you are, Tom.
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,495 And you need to just end this and come out.
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,707 I'm not gonna think any differently of you.
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,750 Katie's not gonna think any differently of you.
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,795 You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom.
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,797 I'm not in here, though.
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,300 Yes, you are.
00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,802 I'm not -- I'm not in a closet.
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,430 Then how am I talking to you, Tom?
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:52,058 Tom, you can't hide forever
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,311 just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,146 doesn't like your acting.
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,399 Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:02,360 But I'm not -- I'm not in here.
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:08,074 Yeah. Yeah!
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,535 Hey, Stan. We're gonna go to the movies.
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,996 I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,207 Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,667 about this cult you're getting into.
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,836 Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle!
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,047 I've read all this stuff, and it's based on fact.
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:24,215 Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science-fiction writer.
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,092 He lived on a boat with only young boys
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,178 and got busted by the feds numerous times.
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,304 I did not!
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,181 Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,807 because they don't know the secret truth!
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,684 What secret truth?
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,145 I can't tell unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling.
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,730 All I know is I was depressed before,
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,148 and now I've found meaning.
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691 I didn't know you were depressed.
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:42,692 Neither did I.
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,320 But now if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong to,
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,113 then I suppose we're no longer friends.
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,453 Stan, I just want you to know
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,289 that I still hate Kyle more than you.
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:05,173 Tom! Hey, Tom. It's John Travolta.
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,257 Oh, hey, John.
00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:08,885 Tom, you got to come out of the closet. Oh, my God.
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,596 L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:15,141 M-Maybe you took what he said out of context.
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,226 Okay.
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,811 It's like, if you don't come out,
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,438 can I at least come in and talk to you?
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,358 Well...okay. But no tricks.
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,360 No tricks.
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,117 Hey, it's really nice in here.
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,118 Yeah. See?
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,870 I feel really safe. Oh, my God.
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,289 Hello?
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:39,916 Hey, come out of there!
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,252 Tom, it now appears that John Travolta
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,588 is also in the closet and he refuses to come out!
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,259 Here with more details once again is R. Kelly.
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:51,219 ♪ I was just standing here ♪
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,555 ♪ Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet ♪
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,806 ♪ Then John Travolta come ♪
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:57,517 ♪ And now John Travolta in the closet, too ♪
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,436 ♪ Please, Tom Cruise and John Travolta ♪
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,979 ♪ Come out of the closet ♪
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,064 ♪ But then I calm myself down ♪
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,150 ♪ And I pull out my gun ♪
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:06,943 Oh, Jesus! Here we go with the gun again.
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,069 ♪ If Tom Cruise and John Travolta ♪
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,070 ♪ Don't come out of the closet ♪
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,406 ♪ I'm gonna cap this bitch ♪
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:13,867 Yes. Yes.
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,660 Oh, this is great, Stan.
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:16,828 I wrote that, um...
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,913 our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,082 because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers.
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,418 Yes, of course. It's so wonderful.
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,170 And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,130 has recently broken out of galactic jail.
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,506 Yes. Of course!
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,759 And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,428 should no longer have to pay money to belong.
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:34,471 What?
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,389 I realized that to really be a church,
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,807 we can't charge people for help.
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,476 What are you, stupid?
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,686 Then how do we make money from those people?
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:44,147 Well, it's not about the money.
00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:45,565 It's about the message, right?
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,026 Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa!
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,237 You don't actually believe this crap, do you?
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,200 Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?!
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,910 E-meters and thetan levels?!
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,703 Those people out there buy that crap,
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,455 but I thought you were smart enough
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,082 to see what was really going on.
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,291 But you said that there was --
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,418 What's better than telling people a stupid story
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,212 and having them believe you?
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:10,131 Having them pay you for it, stupid!
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591 But then...why me?
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,593 Why do you need me to write something so badly?
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,220 Because if those people all think
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,055 you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard,
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,015 then they'll all buy your new writings,
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:23,353 and you and I together will make $3 million!
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,729 $3 million?
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,314 That's how a scam works!
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,651 But this is a scam on a global scale.
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,779 Do you fucking get me now?
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,906 Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:38,409 Then keep writing, L. Ron. Your people are waiting.
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,578 Breaking news here in South park.
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,247 Tom Cruise and John Travolta
00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,874 still will not come out of the closet.
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,710 Park County police have decided to try a new method.
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,757 ♪ Now, I've been asked to come up here ♪
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,968 ♪ And get you both out of the closet ♪
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,262 ♪ Man, this is some crazy shit ♪
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,389 ♪ Why won't you both just come out the closet? ♪
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:00,890 ♪ And they said ♪
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,434 ♪ We're not coming out the closet ♪
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,770 ♪ So you can just go away ♪
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,856 ♪ But everyone wants you out the closet ♪
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,400 ♪ That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay ♪
00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:12,402 ♪ Now I'm starting to get angry ♪
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,946 ♪ So I pull out my gun ♪
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,447 ♪ I'm gonna give you count to three ♪
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,782 ♪ To open this closet door ♪
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,826 ♪ One, I'm gonna shoot you both ♪
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:21,911 ♪ Two, I'm gonna cap some bitch ♪
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,830 ♪ Three... ♪
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,796 ♪ Now I'm in the closet ♪
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,215 ♪ Now I'm in the closet, too ♪
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,718 My fellow Scientologists...
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,803 Our prophet has finished his new doctrine
00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,680 and will now read some passages
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,975 before making it available to you all for a nominal fee.
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:49,772 I give you...the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!
00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,656 Uh, thanks.
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,575 So, first of all...
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,994 I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,830 are actually from a galaxy called Nubunon.
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,790 - Oh! - Oh!
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:08,625 Nubunon!
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,419 And uh...uh...
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,177 I-I can't do this.
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:20,678 What?
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,096 Look, everybody.
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,849 We're all looking for answers, you know?
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,727 We all want to understand who we are and where we come from,
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,897 but sometimes we want to know the answers so badly
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,690 that we believe just about anything.
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,235 - Huh? - What?
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,029 I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,033 And...Scientology is just a big fat global scam.
00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:44,494 Oh!
00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:46,496 We are gonna sue you!
00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,497 - What? - Yeah!
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,540 You think you can say our religion is a lie?
00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,042 We'll sue you, buddy!
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,418 <i>You</i> told me it was a lie!
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,212 Oh, now you're putting words in <i>my</i> mouth!
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,214 You are so sued!
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,383 You can't make fun of Scientology, kid.
00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,885 We are gonna sue your ass and your balls.
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,512 - Yeah! - That's right!
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,223 How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,517 You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!
00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:09,936 We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch.
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:12,730 Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly
00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:15,233 have all come out of the closet!
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,737 So, you're not the prophet, huh?
00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:22,407 You made me look stupid. I'm gonna sue you, too!
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,242 Well, fine! Go ahead and sue me!
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,369 I will! I'll sue you in England!
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,454 You are so sued, kid!
00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:30,164 Well, go on, then! Sue me!
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,874 We're going to!
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,584 Okay! Good! Do it!
00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:34,919 I'm not scared of you!
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,713 Sue me!

00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:12,430 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,555 --> 00:00:14,098 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,894 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,604 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,481 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,284 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:39,165 Oh, dude, check it out! I got a Jake Plummer.
00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,250 Aw, man. I got a crappy A.J. Feeley again.
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,877 How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:43,961 I can't spend any money.
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,546 I'm saving up for that bike I want.
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,339 Ha! Saving money! Duh!
00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,467 So, what should we do now? It's Saturday.
00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:51,052 We have to have as much fun as possible.
00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:53,304 Hey, I know. Let's go play laser tag at Funplex.
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,305 Mrph rmh!
00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,973 No. I don't want to spend any money, you guys.
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,767 Let's just do something fun that's free.
00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,643 Stan, don't you know the first law of physics?
00:00:59,769 --> 00:01:02,146 Anything that's fun costs at least $8.
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:03,856 Yeah, dude. Nothing fun is free.
00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,232 Well, I can't spend any money.
00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,151 Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag.
00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,944 Yeah. See ya!
00:01:11,781 --> 00:01:14,075 Hello. Would you like to take a personality test?
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,993 It's fun and it's free.
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:17,453 Excuse me?
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,413 We're doing free personality tests today.
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,998 What do I have to do?
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,750 Have you heard of Scientology?
00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:25,044 It's all based on the book "Dianetics."
00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,338 A lot of really cool people are Scientologists,
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:29,673 like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:30,883 Why don't you come on in
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,302 and we'll get your fun, free personality test started?
00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:35,971 Let's just find an empty room here.
00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,973 Lots of people getting free tests today.
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,141 Hey, Brian!
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,434 Hey, Kelly! How's it going?
00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:42,478 Great. I want you to meet my new friend, Stan.
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,105 Hey there! How are you?
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,106 Fine.
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:46,857 Brian's gonna give you your personality test
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,151 and then let you know some things about Scientology.
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,736 Good times. Good times.
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,154 Look, is this a religion?
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,824 Because my family is, like, Catholic or something.
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:56,242 Oh, that's not a problem at all.
00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,828 Scientology is more of an alternative to psychology
00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,037 than a religion.
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,498 Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,541 Oh, that's just this thing.
00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,168 What's the Denver Broncos' record now, 6-2?
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,211 7-2.
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,504 Wow! That's great!
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,005 All right. Come on in and take a seat.
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,049 We're gonna have some fun.
00:02:13,551 --> 00:02:15,261 All right. I'm just gonna ask you a few questions.
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,596 Just answer these as truthfully as you can, all right?
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,682 Okay. Number one --
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:24,311 Do you ever make remarks which you later regret?
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,148 Uh...sure?
00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:28,357 Uh-huh.
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,027 Would you rather give orders than take them?
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:32,862 Yeah.
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:37,658 Do you ever whistle just for the fun of it?
00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,035 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:42,413 Okay.
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:45,457 And, finally, does life sometimes feel vague
00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,126 and confusing to you?
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,586 Yes.
00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,421 Okay, Stan. Well, that's it.
00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:52,673 That's the end of the personality test.
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:53,799 So, how'd I do?
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:56,635 Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but...
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,596 you are one messed-up kid.
00:02:58,721 --> 00:02:59,889 - Huh?! - Yeah.
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:02,308 I'm afraid that you are completely miserable
00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,226 and totally depressed.
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,270 I am? I didn't know that!
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,688 Well, there's certainly no question
00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:10,065 that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,401 I think it can really make you happy again.
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,527 W-What do I do?
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:14,737 It's very simple.
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:18,073 We just need $240.
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,410 Stanley, you haven't touched your food.
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,162 What's the matter with you?
00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,080 I'm totally depressed.
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:26,874 - What? Why? - I don't know.
00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,834 Well, how long have you been feeling this way?
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:29,960 I'm not sure.
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,129 But...I need $240.
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,715 $240? What'd you do, break something?
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,176 No. I found a self-help program that can cure me.
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:39,637 Oh, Jesus. The answer is no, Stanley.
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,680 But I'm completely miserable, and these people can help.
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,474 Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable.
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,683 Neither did I!
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,602 Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all?
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,562 Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,356 Don't you care that I'm depressed?
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,815 What if I become suicidal or --
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,609 or become an alcoholic like Grandpa?
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,443 Huh?!
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,737 Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan,
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,240 why don't you take what you have out of your bicycle savings?
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535 Well, but -- but that's <i>my</i> money.
00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:04,995 Well, just like the rest of us,
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,705 you have to make choices with your money.
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,708 You want a bike or do you want to not be depressed?
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,253 Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing.
00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:14,630 Oh, good for you! You're gonna be so happy.
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,547 I hope so.
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,633 It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan.
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,218 See you afterwards.
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:22,596 Great. So, do you have the $240?
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,391 Perfect! We're on our way.
00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:26,892 Come on over here, and I'll fill you in
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,852 on how the Church of Scientology works.
00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:31,480 You see, Stan, Scientology was founded
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,941 by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.
00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,777 Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:40,239 are actually caused by things called body thetans.
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:41,323 - Really? - Yes!
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,200 And being the genius that he was,
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:46,829 Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans.
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,789 This is called an e-meter.
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,749 It's the main tool of Scientology.
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,584 You just grab hold of these handles
00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:55,504 as I talk you through past experiences in your life.
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,339 I'll be taking readings here,
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,633 and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels.
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,010 Thetan levels.
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:03,637 Come on in the auditing room, and I'll show you how it works.
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,264 [ Machines beeping ]
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,391 All these people are just like you, Stan,
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:11,103 auditing with e-meters to get rid of their negative emotions.
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,187 All right, Stan.
00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,439 I want you to just relax
00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:15,607 and take hold of the e-meter handles.
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,445 So, this is gonna make me happy?
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,113 Just take a few deep breaths,
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,907 and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels.
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,576 [ Breathes deeply ]
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,329 [ Humming, beeping ]
00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:30,873 Huh. That's -- That's strange.
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:31,707 What?
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,625 Some-- Something's wrong.
00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:35,502 Brian, could you come over here a second?
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,129 Yeah. Oh, hey there, Greg!
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,130 Stan.
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,299 Will you look at his thetan levels?
00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:42,634 Huh. Well -- Well, get another e-meter.
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,094 This one's obviously broken.
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,554 Sorry about this, Greg.
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,182 And so we just try to analyze your personality.
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,059 And if it seems like you need some help,
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,644 then you can have audit counseling for a nominal fee.
00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:55,022 Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay.
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,940 Mike, I need to talk to you.
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,401 Excuse me, sir. I'll be right back.
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,986 Are you all right? You're sweating!
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,821 - Take a look at this. - What is it?
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,157 The e-meter results from the little boy in room D.
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:08,369 - [ Dramatic music plays ] - This...This can't be right.
00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:10,954 We ran the test four times.
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,957 We used four different e-meters.
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,668 Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles.
00:06:16,794 --> 00:06:18,670 The president has to see this right away.
00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:21,131 Go! Now!
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,055 The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir.
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,681 Sir, how can it be that a first-timer
00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:31,475 scores that kind of thetan level?
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,143 He registered O.T. 9.
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,730 I'm only O.T. 7, and I've been in the church all my life!
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:41,276 I've waited 42 years for this day.
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:42,319 Sir?
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,571 Don't you all see what this means?
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,574 There's only one person who ever registered O.T. 9
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,993 in the history of our church.
00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:54,706 [ Choir vocalizing ]
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:57,709 L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives,
00:06:57,835 --> 00:07:01,296 that when he died, his thetan would show itself again.
00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:04,341 Our prophet has returned.
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,139 Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed.
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682 I took out the garbage yesterday.
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:12,724 Right now, Stan.
00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:14,309 [ Groans ]
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:18,522 Stupid, dumb garbage.
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,152 - [ Crowd cheering ] - MAN: There he is!
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,907 Thank you for returning!
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,828 [ Crying ] He's wonderful. He's wonderful.
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,914 Stan, what the hell did you do?
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,207 I don't know!
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,591 Hello, young man.
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,426 I'm the head of Scientology.
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:51,430 It is...a great honor to meet you.
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,726 All right. What the hell is going on here?
00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,812 We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:02,941 He is the reincarnation of our church's most sacred prophet.
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,151 What?
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,777 Scientologists the world over
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:07,905 are simply rejoicing in his second coming.
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:11,033 Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,327 We're not asking him to join us.
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:16,121 We're asking him to <i>lead</i> us.
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:19,333 Oh, my God. It's John Travolta.
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,794 Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is?
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:23,837 Oh, my God!
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,173 Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise
00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:27,674 are big Scientologists.
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,176 Do you believe me now?
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:31,970 Young man, I know you don't remember it,
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,848 but your name was L. Ron Hubbard.
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,225 You revealed a secret
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,894 which began the whole Church of Scientology.
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,771 Okay, Stan. It's late.
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,773 Go up to your room and get ready for bed.
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:45,192 Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,197 Jesus Christ.
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,156 L. Ron?
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,075 L. Ron!
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,618 It really is you!
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,412 Oh, this is the greatest day of my life.
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,747 Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,249 Don't you understand, L. Ron?
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,959 It's me -- Tom Cruise!
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,252 Yeah, I know who you are.
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,753 Haven't I done well, L. Ron?
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338 Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,131 Which film did you like best?
00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:11,301 Well, I mean, you're not... you're not, like,
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,679 as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess.
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,264 What?
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,890 I mean, you're not Gene Hackman
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,600 or that guy that played Napoleon Dynamite,
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,851 but you're okay.
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,311 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:22,604 I'm nothing.
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,940 I'm a failure in the eyes of the prophet!
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,483 [ Screams ]
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:29,236 Hey! Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,821 Go away!
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,364 Dude, this is my room!
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,117 Go away, I said!
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:39,246 Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,205 What?
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,542 Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet, and he won't come out.
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,963 Mr. Cruise?
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,173 Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,800 No.
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,885 Come on, Mr. Cruise. This is ridiculous.
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,804 I'm never coming out!
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:56,930 What did you say to him?
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,807 I just told him I thought the "Napoleon Dynamite" guy
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,268 - is a better actor than he is. - Oh, boy.
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,062 Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, all right?
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,188 You need to come out.
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,189 What's going on?
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,774 Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,068 - What? - Just leave me alone!
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:11,486 Well, we can't leave you alone
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,905 because you won't come out of the closet.
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:17,075 [ Mid-tempo music plays ]
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,954 It's been four hours now,
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,957 and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet.
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,584 Hundreds of onlookers have gathered here
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:28,378 in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in.
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,423 Tom Cruise, this is Park County police.
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:34,635 Please come out of the closet.
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,720 [ Insects chirping ]
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:40,807 Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom.
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:45,896 Nobody's gonna be mad. Everything's gonna be all right.
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,439 Just come out of the closet.
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:50,692 We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet,
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,943 but I'm being joined now
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,488 by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:56,406 ♪ Well, I was just standing here ♪
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:59,076 ♪ And Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet ♪
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:00,202 ♪ And I ask myself ♪
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,996 ♪ "Why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?" ♪
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,332 ♪ But nobody has no answers ♪
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,292 ♪ And so I pull out my gun ♪
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:08,460 - [ Crowd screaming ] - [ Gun cocks ]
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,253 ♪ Tell me why Tom Cruise in the closet ♪
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,547 ♪ Or else I'm gonna shoot someone ♪
00:11:13,382 --> 00:11:16,843 Please understand we just want what is best for your son.
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,637 The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,514 must be taken care of.
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,307 He had many enemies.
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851 Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,479 Yes, but he was also a prophet
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,565 who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,485 This is just too much.
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,237 We want to reveal to Stan
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,739 the great secret of life behind our church,
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:41,034 the safely guarded Scientology doctrine.
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,496 Please. Your son deserves to be enlightened.
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,956 Stan, do you want to hear
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:48,875 the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,085 Sure.
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,837 All right. Go ahead and tell him.
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:53,755 Would you excuse us, please?
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,091 This is highly classified Church information.
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,427 Aw, rats.
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,887 Usually, to hear the secret doctrine,
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,515 you have to be in the church for several years, Stan.
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,892 Are you ready to hear the truth?
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,394 I-I guess.
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:08,770 You see, Stan,
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,773 there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed --
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,483 an alien reason.
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,112 It all began 75 million years ago.
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,240 Back then, there was a galactic federation of planets,
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,160 which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu.
00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:25,162 [ Laughs evilly ]
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,748 PRESIDENT: Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated,
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,708 and so he rounded up countless aliens
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:33,378 from all different planets and then had those aliens frozen.
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,714 Aah!
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,675 [ Laughs evilly ]
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,926 PRESIDENT: The frozen alien bodies
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,137 were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers,
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,015 which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines.
00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,184 The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,269 to our planet, Earth,
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,855 and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii.
00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,733 The aliens were no longer frozen.
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:55,942 They were dead.
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,695 The souls of those aliens, however, lived on,
00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,281 and all floated up towards the sky.
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,242 But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,702 [ Laughs evilly ]
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,621 PRESIDENT: Xenu didn't want their souls to return,
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:10,707 and so he built giant soul catchers in the sky!
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,292 [Aliens screaming ]
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,710 PRESIDENT: The souls were taken
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,295 to a huge soul-brainwashing facility
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,464 which Xenu had also built on Earth.
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,341 There the souls were forced to watch days
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,926 of brainwashing material,
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,637 which tricked them into believing a false reality.
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,847 Xenu then released the alien souls,
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,100 which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion.
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,769 At the dawn of man,
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,688 the souls finally found bodies which they could grab on to.
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:36,107 They attached themselves to all mankind,
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,985 which still to this day causes all our fears,
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:42,322 our confusions, and our problems.
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,866 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,743 L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing,
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,620 telling the world this incredible truth.
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:52,791 Now all we're asking you to do is pick up where he left off.
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,168 But I don't know any of this stuff.
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,920 Neither did L. Ron when he started.
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:58,922 He said he just closed his eyes
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,174 and wrote down whatever came to mind.
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,677 You can do the same. Just let it flow.
00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:05,262 Okay. I'll try.
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,680 I just wish I could write in my room,
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,181 but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,015 I know.
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:11,810 We've sent Nicole Kidman up to see if she can help.
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,648 Tom? Tom, it's Nicole.
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,608 TOM CRUISE: H-Hi, Nicole.
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:21,194 Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough?
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,197 It's time for you to come out of the closet.
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,824 I'm not -- I'm not in the closet.
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,325 Yes, you are, Tom.
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:30,495 And you need to just end this and come out.
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,707 I'm not gonna think any differently of you.
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,750 Katie's not gonna think any differently of you.
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,795 You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom.
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,797 I'm not in here, though.
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,300 Yes, you are.
00:14:43,425 --> 00:14:45,802 I'm not -- I'm not in a closet.
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,430 Then how am I talking to you, Tom?
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:52,058 Tom, you can't hide forever
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,311 just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,146 doesn't like your acting.
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,399 Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:02,360 But I'm not -- I'm not in here.
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:08,074 Yeah. Yeah!
00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,535 Hey, Stan. We're gonna go to the movies.
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,996 I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,207 Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,667 about this cult you're getting into.
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:19,836 Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle!
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,047 I've read all this stuff, and it's based on fact.
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:24,215 Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science-fiction writer.
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,092 He lived on a boat with only young boys
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,178 and got busted by the feds numerous times.
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,304 I did not!
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,181 Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,807 because they don't know the secret truth!
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,684 What secret truth?
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,145 I can't tell unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling.
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,730 All I know is I was depressed before,
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,148 and now I've found meaning.
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691 I didn't know you were depressed.
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:42,692 Neither did I.
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,320 But now if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong to,
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,113 then I suppose we're no longer friends.
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,908 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,453 Stan, I just want you to know
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,289 that I still hate Kyle more than you.
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:05,173 Tom! Hey, Tom. It's John Travolta.
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,257 TOM CRUISE: Oh, hey, John.
00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:08,885 Tom, you got to come out of the closet. Oh, my God.
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,596 L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:15,141 M-Maybe you took what he said out of context.
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,226 Okay.
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,811 It's like, if you don't come out,
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,438 can I at least come in and talk to you?
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,358 Well...okay. But no tricks.
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,360 No tricks.
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,117 Hey, it's really nice in here.
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,118 TOM CRUISE: Yeah. See?
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,870 JOHN TRAVOLTA: I feel really safe. Oh, my God.
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,289 Hello?
00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:39,916 Hey, come out of there!
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,252 Tom, it now appears that John Travolta
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:45,588 is also in the closet and he refuses to come out!
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,259 Here with more details once again is R. Kelly.
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:51,219 ♪ I was just standing here ♪
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,555 ♪ Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet ♪
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,806 ♪ Then John Travolta come ♪
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:57,517 ♪ And now John Travolta in the closet, too ♪
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,436 ♪ Please, Tom Cruise and John Travolta ♪
00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:00,979 ♪ Come out of the closet ♪
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,064 ♪ But then I calm myself down ♪
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,150 - ♪ And I pull out my gun ♪ - [ Crowd screaming ]
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:06,943 Oh, Jesus! Here we go with the gun again.
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,069 ♪ If Tom Cruise and John Travolta ♪
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,070 ♪ Don't come out of the closet ♪
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,406 ♪ I'm gonna cap this bitch ♪
00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:13,867 Yes. Yes.
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,660 Oh, this is great, Stan.
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:16,828 I wrote that, um...
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,913 our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,082 because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers.
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,418 Yes, of course. It's so wonderful.
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,170 And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,130 has recently broken out of galactic jail.
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,506 Yes. Of course!
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,759 And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,428 should no longer have to pay money to belong.
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:34,471 What?
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,389 I realized that to really be a church,
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,807 we can't charge people for help.
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,476 What are you, stupid?
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,686 Then how do we make money from those people?
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:44,147 - [ Down-tempo music plays ] - Well, it's not about the money.
00:17:44,272 --> 00:17:45,565 It's about the message, right?
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:48,026 Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa!
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,237 You don't actually believe this crap, do you?
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:55,200 Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?!
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,910 E-meters and thetan levels?!
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,703 Those people out there buy that crap,
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,455 but I thought you were smart enough
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,082 to see what was really going on.
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,291 But you said that there was --
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,418 What's better than telling people a stupid story
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:07,212 and having them believe you?
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:10,131 Having them pay you for it, stupid!
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591 But then...why me?
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,593 Why do you need me to write something so badly?
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,220 Because if those people all think
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,055 you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard,
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,015 then they'll all buy your new writings,
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:23,353 and you and I together will make $3 million!
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:24,729 $3 million?
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:26,314 That's how a scam works!
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,651 But this is a scam on a global scale.
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,779 Do you fucking get me now?
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,906 Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:38,409 Then keep writing, L. Ron. Your people are waiting.
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,578 Breaking news here in South park.
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,247 Tom Cruise and John Travolta
00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,874 still will not come out of the closet.
00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:47,710 Park County police have decided to try a new method.
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,757 ♪ Now, I've been asked to come up here ♪
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,968 ♪ And get you both out of the closet ♪
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,262 ♪ Man, this is some crazy shit ♪
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,389 ♪ Why won't you both just come out the closet? ♪
00:18:59,514 --> 00:19:00,890 ♪ And they said ♪
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,434 BOTH: ♪ We're not coming out the closet ♪
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,770 ♪ So you can just go away ♪
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,856 ♪ But everyone wants you out the closet ♪
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,400 BOTH: ♪ That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay ♪
00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:12,402 ♪ Now I'm starting to get angry ♪
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,946 - ♪ So I pull out my gun ♪ - [ Crowd screaming ]
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,447 ♪ I'm gonna give you count to three ♪
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,782 ♪ To open this closet door ♪
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,826 ♪ One, I'm gonna shoot you both ♪
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:21,911 ♪ Two, I'm gonna cap some bitch ♪
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,830 ♪ Three... ♪
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,796 ♪ Now I'm in the closet ♪
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,215 ♪ Now I'm in the closet, too ♪
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,718 My fellow Scientologists...
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,803 Our prophet has finished his new doctrine
00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,680 and will now read some passages
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,975 before making it available to you all for a nominal fee.
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,602 [ Cheers and applause ]
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:49,772 I give you...the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:51,941 [ Cheers and applause ]
00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,656 Uh, thanks.
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,575 So, first of all...
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,994 I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,830 are actually from a galaxy called Nubunon.
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,790 - Oh! - Oh!
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:08,625 Nubunon!
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,419 And uh...uh...
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,422 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,177 I-I can't do this.
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:20,678 What?
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,096 Look, everybody.
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,849 We're all looking for answers, you know?
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,727 We all want to understand who we are and where we come from,
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,897 but sometimes we want to know the answers so badly
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,690 that we believe just about anything.
00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,235 - Huh? - What?
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,029 I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard.
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:42,033 And...Scientology is just a big fat global scam.
00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:44,494 Oh!
00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:46,496 We are gonna sue you!
00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:47,497 - What? - Yeah!
00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,540 You think you can say our religion is a lie?
00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,042 We'll sue you, buddy!
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,418 <i>You</i> told me it was a lie!
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,212 Oh, now you're putting words in <i>my</i> mouth!
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,214 You are so sued!
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,383 You can't make fun of Scientology, kid.
00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,885 We are gonna sue your ass and your balls.
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,512 - Yeah! - That's right!
00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,223 How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,517 You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!
00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:09,936 We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch.
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:12,730 Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly
00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:15,233 have all come out of the closet!
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,737 So, you're not the prophet, huh?
00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:22,407 You made me look stupid. I'm gonna sue you, too!
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,242 Well, fine! Go ahead and sue me!
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,369 I will! I'll sue you in England!
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,454 You are so sued, kid!
00:21:28,579 --> 00:21:30,164 Well, go on, then! Sue me!
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,874 We're going to!
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,584 Okay! Good! Do it!
00:21:33,710 --> 00:21:34,919 I'm not scared of you!
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,713 Sue me!

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