День эрекции

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Итак, дети, как ваш психолог, я знаю,

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что бывает тяжело постоянно говорить о вещах типа наркотиков, секса и алкоголя, п’нятненько?

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Как вы помните, на прошлой неделе я велел вам записать волнующие вас вопросы

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и положить записки в эту коробку, на условиях полной анонимности,

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чтобы потом мы их обсудили в классе, п’нятненько?

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Записок пришло много, так что зачитаем некоторые.

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«Мистер Мэки – гомик».

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Эй, детишки, это не смешно! П’нятно?

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В этой коробке должны быть серьёзные вопросы! На, на серьёзные темы! П’нятненько?!

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Так что это, хватит дурака валять.

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Вот эта выглядит вполне серьёзно.

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«Дорогой мистер Мэки, вы гомик».

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Ну хватит уже!

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Попрошу тишины, и вообще, пора бы уж повзрослеть, п’нятненько?

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Так, пошли дальше…

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Вот: «Мистер Мэки, иногда родители бьют меня, а вы гомик».

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Проклятье! Что, ни одного серьёзного вопроса?

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...«мистер Мэки – гомик», «мистер Мэки – гомик»...

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а, вот:

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«Я ученик начальной школы Саут-Парка. Бывает, что, когда я сижу на уроке,

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мой пенис твердеет без видимой причины.

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Что мне делать?»

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Ну всё, с меня хватит!

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Не можете серьёзно вопросы задавать,

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будем делать задание по распознаванию наркотических веществ, п’нятно?!

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Так, эээ, Джимми, выйди к доске и напиши названия двух каких-либо наркотиков.

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Э… нет, всё в порядке, мистер Мэки.

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Джимми, это не просьба, а приказ!

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Эээ... ммм... не сейчас, мистер Мэки.

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С какой это стати «не сейчас»?!

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У тебя что?...

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Действительно?...

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Прямо сейчас?...

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Ладно, ладно, не беспокойся, Джимми.

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Так, давайте спросим кого-нибудь ещё.

Эрик, выйди к доске.

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Эй, что за хрень?! Почему это Джимми можно не выходить к доске?

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Потому что у него это… палатка стоит.

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Что у него…?!

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«Школьный КОНКУРС ТАЛАНТОВ в ближайшую пятницу»

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Приз – чек на 100 баксов в супермаркет Саут-Парка?

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Может, и нам поучаствовать в конкурсе талантов?

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А какой смысл? Всё равно каждый раз побеждает Джимми со своими комедийными монологами.

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ЗдорОво, пацаны!

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Зацени, Джимми! За победу в конкурсе дают приз на сто баксов!

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А, да, знаю. Я весь год работал над новым н-н-н-номером.

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Не знаю, чувак, как тебе это удаётся - стоять на сцене перед толпой народа?

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Пацаны, эстрада – это моя жизнь. Мне нравится быть у всех на глазах.

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Что случилось?

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Мне надо и-ид... Мне надо идти! Пока, пацаны.

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И-извините!... И-из-из-звините!...

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Извините,п-пожалуйста!

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Занято!

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Мест в гостинице нет, Дева Мария!

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Привет, Джимми!

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Видал, какой приз за победу в конкурсе?

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Небось волнуешься? Да ты наверняка опять выиграешь, как всегда.

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Да… я взволнован... Сильно взволнован... По одной причине...

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Господи, что ж со мной творится-то?

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Эй, кто там бомбы сбрасывает?

Как насчёт смыть за собой?

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Тебя бы кто смыл, Баттерс.

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Джимми, как дела в школе?

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Нормально, мам.

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Джимми, как мы поняли, у тебя в прямо в классе случилась эрекция?

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Чего? К-кто вам сказал?

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Мистер Мэки, ваш школьный психолог.

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О, Г-г-г-господи!

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Джимми, здесь нечего стыдиться.

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Но мы знаем, что об этом, наверное, тебе тяжело разговаривать.

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Тяжело, понял?

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Поэтому мы, по совету вашего психолога, позвали доктора Дружбана, чтобы облегчить тебе эту задачу.

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Д-доктора Дружбана?!

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Привет, Джимми, я доктор Дружбан! То есть я не только доктор,

но и твой закадычный дружбан! Клёво, да?

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Да вроде...

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Родители часто вызывают меня к своим детям, потому что я легко налаживаю с ними контакт.

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Со мной всё ништяк, врубился?

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Значит, сейчас тебя беспокоит эрекция?

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«Ой, я не могу говорить «эрекция» при родителях! Боже, мне так неловко!»

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Ну… есть немного.

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Джимми, нет ничего странного в непроизвольной эрекции.

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В жизни практически каждого мальчика наступает момент,

когда его пенис твердеет… без видимой причины.

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Это лишь часть процесса взросления.

Взросления? Скорее, взращения, ха-ха!

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Но мне надо избавиться от этого! Конкурс талантов уже в п-пятницу!

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Вот что, папа с мамой, слиняйте-ка с глаз долой,

дайте правильным пацанам побазарить без свидетелей.

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А, хорошо. Пойдём дорогая.

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Джимми, по мере взросления твой организм претерпевает массу изменений.

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Выбрасываются определённые гормоны, пробуждается твоя репродуктивная система,

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так что, если ты не против, давай разденемся и поцелуемся.

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Ч-ч-чего?

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О нет, нет, ничего! Видишь, ты отклонился от темы, сбился с нужной мысли!

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Вот зачем я, доктор Дружбан, здесь и нужен!

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Пока ты сам не поймёшь, что нам лучше раздеться и поцеловаться...

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Н-нет, не хочу я ни раздеваться, ни целоваться.

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Да ну тебя к чёрту! Сам тогда разбирайся со своими проблемами.

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А теперь следующий номер нашего конкурса.

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Поприветствуем невероятно талантливого Джимми Волмера!

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Спасибо, вы замечательная публика.

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Вроде как Марта Стюарт вышла из тюрьмы.

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Вы слыхали об этом, вы видали это?

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Скоро на телевидении выйдет новая передача «Марта Стюарт в прямом эфире...

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с электронным браслетом на ноге».

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Похоже, что в Ватикане наконец-то выбрали нового Папу.

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Вы видали это, вы слыхали об этом?

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П-по видимому, его будут называть Новым Папой, а покойного Иоанна Павла – Классическим П-папой.

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И... это... похоже, у Майкла Джексона опять проблемы в суде.

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Ну, вы знаете... это... п-п-проблемы у него в суде...

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Вы потрясающая публика... фантастическая публика...

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Всё в порядке, Джимми, мы смеёмся не над твоими шутками, а над ТОБОЙ!

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Лу-лу-лу, у меня есть пара яблок,

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Лу-лу-лу, и у тебя,

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Лу-лу-лу, давай-ка вместе,

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Мы займёмся тра-ля-ля...

- Баттерс!

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Что? А, привет, Джимми!

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А я тут тренируюсь перед конкурсом талантов.

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Баттерс, мне очень нужно с кем-нибудь поговорить,

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и, по-моему, ты единственный, кто не станет надо мной п-п-прикалываться.

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Да что ты, я никогда не издеваюсь над теми, у кого проблемы.

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Баттерс, ты знаешь, что надо делать, когда твой пенис твердеет?

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Конечно, знаю.

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Правда?!

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Да, а теперь присядь, Джимми, давай поговорим.

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Видишь ли, когда мужской член твердеет,

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мужчина засовывает его в женщину.

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В её "влагааалище".

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А потом, твёрдый член сплёвывает молоко внутри женщины,

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и, сплюнув, он затем размягчается,

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и после этого мужчина теряет к женщине всякий интерес.

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Значит, когда твой член твердеет,

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надо вставить его женщине во влагалище,

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и тогда он опять размягчится?

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Вот именно, Джимми.

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Но где мне найти женщину, чтобы ей вставить? Конкурс талантов уже в пятницу!

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Пока, Берта!

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До встречи, Джесси!

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Привет, Берта!

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А, привет, Джимми! Чего тебе?

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Да вот, хочу поинтересоваться, могу ли я засунуть свой член тебе во влагалище?

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Что?! Никогда!

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Но ведь конкурс талантов уже завтра!

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Придурок!

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Джимми, Джимми, что ты, чёрт возьми, делаешь?

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Пытаюсь перепихнуться. Что, не похоже?

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Чувак, нельзя же вот так просто спрашивать девчонку, можно ли ей засунуть член во влагалище.

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Её надо пригласить на свидание, сводить в итальянский ресторан.

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О как! Да ты, я смотрю, всё про это знаешь. Ты что, уже перепихивался?

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Да, много раз. Примерно пять тысяч раз уже.

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Так что же мне д-делать?

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Говорю тебе: свидание в итальянском ресторане.

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И потом ещё дай ей понять, что ты умеешь слушать.

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Эрик, не могу объяснить почему, но очень важно, чтобы мне сегодня дали!

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Ты не мог бы пойти на это свидание и помочь мне?

Ты же мне теперь как отец родной.

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Почему нет? Так и в кино делают, и на телевидении.

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Ты пойдёшь на свидание в наушниках,

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а я засяду неподалёку и буду тайно передавать тебе, что нужно говорить.

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Ух ты! Спасибо, Эрик.

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Шона, милая, твой кавалер пришёл!

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Хорошо, мам.

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Привет, Шона!

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Привет, Джимми!

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Значит так. Для начала скажи ей, что она прекрасно выглядит.

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О, Шона, ты чудесно выглядишь!

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Спасибо, Джимми! Куда пойдём?

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Мы пойдём в настоящий итальянский ресторан «Бука де Педричини».

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Добро пожаловать в «Бука де Педричини», настоящий ресторано итальяно!

00:09:19,307 --> 00:09:23,407

Меня зовут Рома. Могу предложить для начала нашу фирменную «паста макарони минис».

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Думаю, лучше мы попробуем вашу фирменную «пиццарели кассерона попперс».

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Будет исполнено!

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Знаешь, есть у нас в школе такая Салли Роуман? Терпеть её не могу!

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Джимми, Джимми, даже если тебе её болтовня неинтересна,

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говори: «Ух ты! Как интересно! Расскажи ещё».

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Ух ты! Как интересно! Расскажи ещё.

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Правда?!

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Ну так вот, значит, Келлиган купила точно такую же сумочку,

и я ей: «Чтобы больше я её у тебя не видела!»,

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ведь куда ж это годится, когда у тебя такая же сумочка,

как и у твоей подруги, так ведь? И если...

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Так, и когда она закончит трёп, скажи ей:

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«О как! Никогда раньше об этом не думал, но ты права».

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То есть, я имею в виду, кому нужна такая подруга?

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О как! Никогда раньше об этом не думал, но ты права.

00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,907

Это как я говорю Дебби: «Если хочешь и дальше

тусоваться с моими подругами...»

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Так, Джимми, когда она уже заткнёт свой фонтан, повтори всё что она сказала,

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и добавь: «О, как проницательно!»

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«...И если ты так будешь себя вести, то мне такая подруга не нужна!»

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«Если ты так будешь себя вести, то мне такая подруга не нужна» - о, как проницательно!

00:10:13,107 --> 00:10:15,607

Знаешь, Джимми, а ты прекрасно умеешь слушать.

00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:16,507

Правда?

00:10:16,607 --> 00:10:20,107

Да. Никто из парней не умеет общаться так, как ты.

00:10:20,207 --> 00:10:21,707

О, я так рад слышать это от тебя, Шона,

00:10:21,807 --> 00:10:23,907

потому что мне очень хочется вставить свой пенис в твоё влагалище.

00:10:24,107 --> 00:10:25,707

Неплохо, Джимми, совсем неплохо.

00:10:26,807 --> 00:10:28,307

Что?! Я не буду этого делать!

00:10:28,607 --> 00:10:30,507

Но ведь конкурс талантов уже завтра вечером!

00:10:30,807 --> 00:10:31,707

Вот урод!

00:10:40,854 --> 00:10:42,654

Добро пожаловать, ученики и родители,

00:10:42,654 --> 00:10:45,654

на ежегодный конкурс талантов в начальной школе Саут-Парка!

00:10:48,154 --> 00:10:50,754

Будет много молодых талантливых исполнителей,

00:10:50,754 --> 00:10:53,654

так что чем быстрее вы замолкнете, тем скорее всё это кончится.

00:10:55,854 --> 00:10:58,854

Итак, первым у нас идёт Билли Тёрнер из третьего класса,

00:10:59,154 --> 00:11:02,154

который исполнит соло на альт-саксофоне.

00:11:23,854 --> 00:11:25,854

Джимми? Джимми Волмер?

00:11:26,254 --> 00:11:29,654

А?... Здрасьте, офицер Б-б-б-барбрэди.

00:11:29,654 --> 00:11:32,654

Джимми, что ты здесь делаешь? Конкурс талантов там, внутри.

00:11:33,154 --> 00:11:35,654

Я... не буду в нём участвовать.

00:11:36,954 --> 00:11:40,254

Не будешь? Но ты же любишь конкурсы талантов!

00:11:40,254 --> 00:11:41,954

Весь город об этом знает.

00:11:42,454 --> 00:11:44,554

Я н-не рискую выступать на публике.

00:11:45,354 --> 00:11:46,354

Почему же?

00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:49,154

Да потому, что у меня беспричинная эрекция всю дорогу, вот почему!

00:11:49,354 --> 00:11:51,854

И я не могу найти хоть одну девчонку, которая позволила бы мне... сделать это.

00:11:51,954 --> 00:11:55,454

Ну разумеется, Джимми! Маленьким девочкам секс не нужен.

00:11:55,554 --> 00:12:00,054

Так почему же Господь позволяет моему пенису твердеть , если девчонки не хотят его в свои влагалища?

00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:01,854

Это прямо как злая шутка.

00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:04,654

Джимми, эти девочки слишком молоды и невинны.

00:12:04,754 --> 00:12:07,754

Не то что женщины из Колфакс-Пойнт.

00:12:08,554 --> 00:12:10,054

...Колфакс-Пойнт?

00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:13,354

Ну да, они там готовы заниматься сексом с кем угодно.

00:12:13,554 --> 00:12:17,154

Что, правда? Тогда, наверное, я м-могу поймать автобус... и добраться туда, пока конкурс не закончился!

00:12:17,354 --> 00:12:18,654

С-спасибо, офицер Барбрэди!

00:12:18,954 --> 00:12:20,554

Не за что, Джим!

00:12:23,554 --> 00:12:24,454

Подождите-ка...

00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:26,954

Колфакс-Пойнт.

00:12:27,354 --> 00:12:31,054

Злачный район, бурлит как бульон.

00:12:31,354 --> 00:12:35,554

Проститутки пашут круглые сутки.

00:12:35,854 --> 00:12:39,154

Жизнь пропащая, завалящая...

00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:41,254

Хочешь поразвлечься?

00:12:41,854 --> 00:12:46,854

Эй!... Эй!... Мне нужно... п-пенис вставить в женское влагалище. Кто-нибудь?

00:12:47,154 --> 00:12:48,754

Извините, мэм! Как вас зовут?

00:12:48,754 --> 00:12:50,254

Меня называют Яйцезаглоткой.

00:12:50,254 --> 00:12:52,054

Вот что, Яйцезаглотка , мне надо перепихнуться.

00:12:53,254 --> 00:12:54,254

Чего?

00:12:54,554 --> 00:12:58,254

У меня жуткий стояк, который никак не пройдёт, а конкурс талантов уже начался.

00:12:58,854 --> 00:13:00,154

Ты чё, мусор?

00:13:00,454 --> 00:13:02,154

Нет, вообще-то я эстрадный комик.

00:13:02,454 --> 00:13:03,354

Деньги есть?

00:13:03,654 --> 00:13:04,354

Конечно.

00:13:04,754 --> 00:13:06,454

Хорошо, есть где расположиться?

00:13:06,754 --> 00:13:08,554

Конечно. Я з-знаю отличное место...

00:13:09,654 --> 00:13:13,454

Добро пожаловать в «Бука де Педричини», настоящий ресторано итальяно!

00:13:13,454 --> 00:13:16,354

Меня зовут Рома и... а, рад снова вас видеть, мистер Волмер!

00:13:16,454 --> 00:13:19,354

Эй, хорош, придурок! Я не хочу, чтобы узнали, что я был здесь с другой девчонкой!

00:13:19,454 --> 00:13:20,954

Ах, конечно, пардон, синьор!

00:13:20,954 --> 00:13:23,454

Пойду принесу хлебцев с чесноком по-средиземноморски.

00:13:24,254 --> 00:13:26,054

Чего мы здесь делаем?

00:13:26,354 --> 00:13:28,454

Здесь настоящая итальянская кухня прямо с С-сицилии.

00:13:28,454 --> 00:13:30,254

Попробуй «супер-рулет из пиццы с моццареллой».

00:13:30,254 --> 00:13:33,654

Не могу я столько жрать, у меня инфекция мочевыводящих путей.

00:13:33,654 --> 00:13:35,654

Я неделю после этого кровью ссать буду.

00:13:35,954 --> 00:13:38,654

Э-э... ух ты, как интересно! Расскажи ещё.

00:13:38,854 --> 00:13:44,654

Ну да, вот так, ссу кровью.

Поэтому приходится тампон себе в дырку запихивать.

00:13:45,454 --> 00:13:48,454

О как! Никогда раньше об этом не думал, но ты права.

00:13:48,754 --> 00:13:51,054

Если ссышь кровью, надо засовывать тампон себе в дырку.

00:13:51,354 --> 00:13:53,054

Как проницательно! Расскажи ещё.

00:13:53,154 --> 00:13:55,654

Слушай, мальчик, ты чего? Ты трахаться собираешься или как?

00:13:55,854 --> 00:13:59,554

Конечно же, собираюсь, потому и привёл тебя в это з-замечательное место и делаю вид, что мне интересны твои разговоры.

00:13:59,554 --> 00:14:03,454

Пацан, я же шлюха. Тебе незачем приглашать меня на ужин ИЛИ быть со мной обходительным.

00:14:03,654 --> 00:14:04,754

Что? С-серьёзно?

00:14:05,054 --> 00:14:07,654

Ты мне платишь и делаешь со мной всё, что хочешь. Всё просто.

00:14:07,854 --> 00:14:10,054

Ну так, Господи Иисусе, что ж мы время-то зря тратим?!

00:14:10,154 --> 00:14:12,654

Конкурс талантов уже идёт вовсю!

Срочно в к-к-койку!

00:14:12,954 --> 00:14:13,954

Ты чё, б..., тут делаешь?

00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,254

Ужинаешь? Ты щас должна на меня пахать!

00:14:16,254 --> 00:14:18,854

Это клиент меня сюда привёл, понял, сволочь?

00:14:18,954 --> 00:14:21,954

Клиент? За дурака меня держишь? Какой клиент потащит тебя в ресторан?

00:14:22,054 --> 00:14:24,254

Этот СУТЕНЁР хочет увести тебя у меня из-под носа!

00:14:24,554 --> 00:14:25,654

Это МОЯ шлюха!

00:14:25,854 --> 00:14:27,354

Позвольте не согласиться с вами, сэр.

00:14:27,454 --> 00:14:29,754

Я за неё заплатил и пригласил её поужинать.

Это моя шлюха!

00:14:29,954 --> 00:14:30,954

О, Боже...

00:14:31,254 --> 00:14:32,554

У тя чё, сука, проблемы?

00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,354

Да, есть проблема, в самом деле!

00:14:34,354 --> 00:14:37,154

Я все свои деньги истратил на эту шлюху, и это моя единственная возможность перепихнуться,

00:14:37,154 --> 00:14:39,154

а конкурс талантов через пару часов уже закончится!

00:14:39,354 --> 00:14:40,654

А ну быстро пошла со мной!

00:14:41,154 --> 00:14:43,154

А! Отпусти волосы, сукин ты сын!

00:14:43,154 --> 00:14:44,454

Сэр, сэр, это моя шлюха!

00:14:44,554 --> 00:14:46,054

Я те щас жопу-то надеру, б...!

00:14:46,254 --> 00:14:47,454

Сэр!... Сэр!...

00:15:01,954 --> 00:15:03,854

С-сукин с-сын !

00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:05,854

Такси!

00:15:07,454 --> 00:15:08,854

За вон теми сутенёром и шлюхой!

00:15:12,354 --> 00:15:13,454

Ты куда меня везёшь?

00:15:13,654 --> 00:15:14,954

Я тя щас замочу, б...!

00:15:14,954 --> 00:15:17,254

Нет! Прошу тебя, Баблоруб! Прости меня!

00:15:17,354 --> 00:15:18,754

Да ты, б..., уже труп!

00:15:20,054 --> 00:15:24,454

Сэр, я заплатил за эту даму, и, забрав её, вы становитесь ничем не лучше простого в-воришки!

00:15:24,754 --> 00:15:25,754

Иди на х..., обсос!

00:15:31,254 --> 00:15:33,254

Яйцезаглотка, хватайся за костыль!

00:15:37,154 --> 00:15:39,154

А ну-ка назад, б...!

00:15:39,654 --> 00:15:41,254

Держу тебя, Яйцезаглотка!

00:15:45,854 --> 00:15:47,854

Нет, нет, глупые люди,

00:15:48,054 --> 00:15:50,854

В вашем конкурсе дурацком мы участвовать не будем

00:15:51,054 --> 00:15:52,954

О нет, нет, глупые люди,

00:15:53,254 --> 00:15:56,254

В вашем конкурсе педрильном мы участвовать не будем

00:15:57,754 --> 00:16:01,754

Это были юные готы с песней

«Конкурсы талантов – сплошная педерастия».

00:16:02,054 --> 00:16:05,454

- Это было убойно. Мы им показали...

- Да уж. Надеюсь, мы победим.

00:16:09,054 --> 00:16:09,954

Давай, шлюха!

00:16:14,554 --> 00:16:15,554

Берегись!

00:16:22,654 --> 00:16:23,454

Нет!

00:16:31,654 --> 00:16:32,654

Держитесь за ними!

00:16:32,754 --> 00:16:34,654

Я не сдамся!

00:16:42,006 --> 00:16:45,006

Замечательно, Кларк и Лаура, замечательно.

00:16:45,406 --> 00:16:49,406

Следующим идёт Баттерс, он исполнит песню.

00:16:49,806 --> 00:16:51,106

Вот и наш сын!

00:16:56,106 --> 00:16:58,006

Лу-лу-лу, у меня есть пара...

00:16:59,306 --> 00:17:00,906

...пара...

00:17:01,906 --> 00:17:04,506

...пара... этих...

00:17:05,506 --> 00:17:07,306

О, нет!

00:17:07,606 --> 00:17:09,706

Нет, нет, нееет!

00:17:09,906 --> 00:17:12,906

Спасибо, Баттерс, замечательно. Краткость – сестра таланта.

00:17:15,806 --> 00:17:18,306

Чёрт возьми, этот сутенёришка всё никак не отцепится!

00:17:18,806 --> 00:17:20,206

Сближайтесь!

00:17:26,406 --> 00:17:27,906

Сколько с меня?

00:17:28,206 --> 00:17:30,806

6 долларов 24 цента.

00:17:32,506 --> 00:17:34,306

Д-дайте два сдачи!

00:17:34,506 --> 00:17:35,706

О, большое спасибо!

00:17:36,406 --> 00:17:37,906

Ну ладно, всего доброго!

00:17:38,206 --> 00:17:38,906

Спасибо.

00:17:48,406 --> 00:17:49,906

Ты мне за это заплатишь, сука!

00:17:50,306 --> 00:17:52,306

Нет! Спасиииите!

00:17:57,506 --> 00:17:59,506

Спокойно, Яйцезаглотка, я уже на подходе!

00:18:02,806 --> 00:18:04,606

Боже, только не сейчас!

00:18:04,906 --> 00:18:06,506

Господи, неловко-то как...

00:18:07,706 --> 00:18:10,006

А теперь перед вами Эрик Картман,

00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:13,506

который прочитает монолог из фильма «Лицо со шрамом».

00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:21,806

Знаете, кто вы такие? Вы все кучка ё...ных хУ...вых тараканов!

00:18:21,906 --> 00:18:23,306

Вам нужны такие люди, как я!

00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:26,406

Вам нужны такие, как я, чтобы показывать на нас своим ё...ным пальцем

00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,006

и говорить: «Вот плохой парень»!

00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:29,806

Ну, пожелайте доброй ночи плохому парню!

00:18:30,206 --> 00:18:32,006

Вот он, мой сынулька!

00:18:33,006 --> 00:18:35,306

Прошу тебя, Баблоруб! Не надо!

00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:37,106

Я говорил тебе, чтоб не смела меня наё...вать, б...!

00:18:37,706 --> 00:18:39,306

Эй, п-п-придурок!

00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:43,206

Извини, что назвал тебя так,

00:18:43,506 --> 00:18:44,806

просто я сейчас очень зол!

00:18:44,806 --> 00:18:48,506

Ну и что ты собрался делать? Да я на метр тебя выше и у меня ПУШКА!

00:18:48,506 --> 00:18:49,506

А у тебя-то что есть?

00:18:49,706 --> 00:18:51,906

У меня? У меня есть оружие юмора!

00:18:52,206 --> 00:18:54,706

Как известно, китайцы и японцы последнее время не ладят друг с другом.

00:18:54,806 --> 00:18:56,206

Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?

00:18:56,606 --> 00:18:57,506

Чего?!

00:18:57,706 --> 00:19:00,706

А я вот что скажу: уже многие годы мой желудок невладах с их национальной едой.

00:19:03,006 --> 00:19:03,806

О, неплохо!

00:19:04,306 --> 00:19:06,306

Марта Стюарт вышла из тюрьмы.

Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?

00:19:08,406 --> 00:19:10,206

Ну да, точно, слыхал!

00:19:10,206 --> 00:19:12,606

Вероятно, она научилась печь пироги с ключами в начинке.

00:19:15,506 --> 00:19:17,606

Вот тебе, сукин сын!

00:19:17,806 --> 00:19:19,406

Молодчина, какая взаимовыручка!

00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:21,706

Никак не могу поверить, что ты всю дорогу гнался за нами.

00:19:21,906 --> 00:19:24,206

Видать, ты правда заботился обо мне?

00:19:24,306 --> 00:19:26,406

Не совсем. Ты всего лишь шлюха, а мне надо перепихнуться.

00:19:26,506 --> 00:19:28,006

Конкурс талантов может закончиться с минуты на минуту!

00:19:28,106 --> 00:19:29,406

Мне и этого времени хватит!

00:19:30,306 --> 00:19:31,706

Тащи меня в койку!

00:20:05,806 --> 00:20:09,306

У меня подруга – янки,

00:20:09,406 --> 00:20:13,306

Она моя Янки-девчонка.

00:20:13,406 --> 00:20:17,206

Янки в Лондон приезжал,

Чтоб на пони покататься,

00:20:17,306 --> 00:20:19,206

Я – юный янки

00:20:19,306 --> 00:20:21,206

Я – юный янки

00:20:21,306 --> 00:20:24,306

Я – юный Янки-бой!

00:20:29,306 --> 00:20:31,806

Хорошо, замечательно, Айк, спасибо!

00:20:32,206 --> 00:20:35,806

Что ж, дети, похоже, что участников больше не будет,

00:20:36,106 --> 00:20:38,306

а это значит: конкурс талантов завершён!

00:20:40,306 --> 00:20:41,406

Мистер Мэки, уже всё!

00:20:43,306 --> 00:20:45,506

А теперь посмотрим на оценки, выставленные членами жюри,

00:20:45,606 --> 00:20:47,806

и выясним, чей номер вызвал у них наименьшее отвращение.

00:20:47,806 --> 00:20:49,306

Эй, подождите!

00:21:00,306 --> 00:21:03,106

Миссис Гаррисон, если вы не против, я возьму микрофон?

00:21:03,306 --> 00:21:06,906

Ладно, давайте все поприветствуем Джимми Волмера!

00:21:09,806 --> 00:21:11,106

О, вы замечательная публика!

00:21:11,206 --> 00:21:13,706

Как известно, прошло уже два года со дня падения Багдада.

00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,006

Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?

00:21:15,106 --> 00:21:18,706

Как и предсказывал Б-буш,

Багдад пал, Ирак пал, Саддам пал.

00:21:19,006 --> 00:21:21,206

Единственное, что не упало – это цены на топливо.

00:21:22,906 --> 00:21:24,906

Я прочитал в газете, что китайцы предъявляют обвинения Японии.

00:21:25,106 --> 00:21:26,306

Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?

00:21:26,406 --> 00:21:27,906

Думаю, что в Китае вам не придётся...

00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:32,806

Это чего за надувательство?!

00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,056

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,641

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,853

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,978 --> 00:00:20,563

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,440

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,443

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:28,946

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:33,284

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,164

M'kay, kids, as your counselor,

00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:41,459

I know it can sometimes be

difficult to talk about subjects

00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:44,503

like drugs and sex and alcohol,

m'kay.

00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:47,506

So, as you remember, last week

I told you to write down

00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,425

any difficult questions you had

00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,677

and put them in this box,

anonymously,

00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,181

so we could discuss those

questions in class, m'kay.

00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,142

I got a lot of responses,

so let's read some aloud.

00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,563

"Mr. Mackey is gay."

00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,026

M'kay, kids,

that is not funny, m'kay.

00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:10,196

This box is supposed to be used

for serious questions about --

00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,281

about serious issues, m'kay.

00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,158

Let's stop the tomfoolery.

00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:16,452

M'kay, let's look

at a real one here.

00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,288

"Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay."

00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:22,666

All right, all right.

That's enough, kids.

00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:24,668

Let's quiet down

and try to be mature, m'kay.

00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:26,420

Here we go, m'kay.

00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,590

"Mr. Mackey,

sometimes my parents hit me.

00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:31,050

And you are gay."

00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,929

Damn it, is there not one

serious question in here?

00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,514

"Mr. Mackey is gay."

00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:37,848

"Mr. Mackey is gay."

00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:39,934

M'kay, here.

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,228

"I am a boy

at South Park Elementary.

00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,772

Sometimes when I am sitting

in class,

00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:47,608

my penis becomes hard

for no reason.

00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,193

What should I do?"

00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:57,868

All right, k-- All right, kids!

That's enough!

00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,374

If you all can't be serious

about the question box,

00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:07,128

then we'll just do drug-

identification exercises, m'kay.

00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,420

Aww!

00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,214

M'kay, Jimmy,

why don't you come up here

00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,049

and write down the name

of two narcotics?

00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,426

Uh, no.

T-That's okay, Mr. Mackey.

00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,512

Jimmy, I'm not asking you,

I'm telling you.

00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,056

Uh, just, uh, not right

this second, Mr. Mackey.

00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,432

Well, why the hell not?!

00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,560

Uh...

00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:29,567

It's what?

00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,026

Oh, you do?

00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:34,071

R-Right now?

Right now it is?

00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:37,324

M'kay. M'kay.

Don't worry, Jimmy.

00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,035

M'kay, uh,

let's pick someone else.

00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,579

Uh, Eric,

why don't you come up here?

00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,831

Hey, that's bullcrap! How come

Jimmy doesn't have to do it?

00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,709

Well, because Jimmy's

pitching a tent right now.

00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,336

He's what?

00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,799

- Whoa!

- Wow!

00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,344

A $100 gift certificate

to South Park Mall?

00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,804

Maybe we should do

the talent show.

00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,972

What's the point?

00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,932

Jimmy always wins

with his stand-up comedy.

00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:03,475

- Hey, fellas.

- Did you see, Jimmy?

00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,561

They're giving away a $100

first prize for the talent show.

00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,562

Oh, I sure have.

00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,190

I've been working

on my r-routine all year long.

00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:10,482

I don't know how you do it,

dude.

00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:12,193

How do you get up in front

of that many people?

00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:14,111

Well, fellas,

entertainment is my life.

00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,529

I love being in front

of everyone.

00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:20,075

- Aah!

- What's the matter?

00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,203

G-Got to go!

See you, fellas!

00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:25,456

E-excuse me!

E-Exc-- Excuse me!

00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:26,999

Excuse me, p-please!

00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,588

It's occupied.

00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,174

No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.

00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:43,349

Hey, Jimmy!

00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:51,565

Boy, did you see that

first prize for the talent show?

00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:54,568

You must be excited.

You'll probably win like always.

00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,737

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm real excited.

00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,614

Real excited, for some reason.

00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,325

Oh, Jesus.

What's wrong with me?

00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,912

Hey!

Who's dropping bombs in there?!

00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:06,455

How about a courtesy flush?

00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,290

Up yours, Butters.

00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,672

Hey, Jimmy.

How was school?

00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:15,798

Fine, Mom.

00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:16,924

Jimmy, we understand

00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,510

you're getting erections

in the classroom.

00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,595

What?

W-Who told you that?

00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,597

Mr. Mackey, your counselor.

00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:26,058

Aw, J-J-Jesus!

00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,811

Now, Jimmy,

it's nothing to be ashamed of.

00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895

But we know it's something

00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,231

you might have a hard time

talking about.

00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:34,441

Get it?

A hard time.

00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,902

So we took

your counselor's advice

00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,780

and called Dr. Pal

to help us all talk about this.

00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,323

D-Dr. Pal?

00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,533

Hey, Jimmy, I'm Dr. Pal!

00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,201

That's because I'm a doctor,

but I'm also your pal.

00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,036

- Are we cool?

- Uh, sure?

00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,288

Lot of times parents call me in

00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:48,956

because I can relate

to younger kids.

00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,749

I'm down. I'm dope.

You dig?

00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,168

I understand you have

some concerns about erections.

00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,004

Oop! Can't say "erection"

in front of the parents.

00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,797

Oh, God.

It feels so weird, huh?

00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,173

Well, a little, yes.

00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,301

Jimmy, there is nothing weird

about random erections.

00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,760

Almost every boy

goes through a phase

00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,096

where his penis becomes hard

for no particular reason.

00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,389

It's just part of growing up.

00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,224

Growing up?

Growing out is more like it.

00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,559

Oh!

00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:09,810

But I have to make it stop.

00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,061

The talent show

is this F-Friday.

00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,355

Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why

don't you skedaddle for a tick

00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,399

and let us hipsters talk

in privo?

00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,901

All right.

Come on, honey.

00:05:18,027 --> 00:05:19,069

Jimmy, as you get older,

00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:21,030

your body goes through

a lot of changes.

00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,531

Certain hormones

start to release

00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,908

as your whole reproductive

system begins to awaken.

00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:28,078

And so if you like, we can

take off our shirts and kiss.

00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,998

C-Come again?

00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,124

Oh! Hey! Nothing!

You see? See?

00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,334

That sent you off

on a different tangent,

00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,585

got you thinking

a different way.

00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,211

That's what Dr. Pal is here

to do --

00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:38,756

unless you think we should

take off our shirts and kiss.

00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,716

N-No, I do not want to take off

our shirts and kiss.

00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:41,925

Then to hell with you, kid.

00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,261

You can just deal with

your problems on your own.

00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,145

Next up for the talent

show, put your hands together

00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:56,690

for the incredibly talented

Jimmy Valmer!

00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,569

Wow.

What -- What a great audience.

00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,613

So, apparently Martha Stewart

is out of jail.

00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,531

Have you heard about this?

Have you seen this?

00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,367

She's very excited to

get started on her new show --

00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:09,912

"Martha Stewart Living With

an Electronic Ankle Bracelet."

00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,917

So, it looks like the Vatican

has finally chosen a new pope.

00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,627

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,008

Uh, apparently they're going to

call him New Pope

00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,135

and refer to John Paul

as P-Pope Classic.

00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:28,389

Uh, so it -- so it looks

like Michael Jackson

00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,973

was having back problems

in court.

00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:33,060

You -- Uh, you know what they

say about b-b-back problems.

00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,066

Uh -- Uh, gee, what a --

what a terrific audience.

00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,692

W-What a fantastic audience.

00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:43,237

Don't worry, Jimmy,

we're not laughing with you.

00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,780

We're laughing at you.

00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:56,959

♪ Loo, loo, loo,

I've got some apples ♪

00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,002

♪ Loo, loo, loo,

you've got some, too ♪

00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:01,088

♪ Loo, loo, loo,

let's get together ♪

00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,132

- ♪ I know what we can do, loo ♪

- Butters.

00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,800

Oh.

Oh, hey, Jimmy.

00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,052

I'm just practicing

for the talent show.

00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,887

Butters, I really need

to talk to somebody,

00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,348

and I think you're the only

person who won't make fun of me.

00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,268

Oh, gosh. I'd never make fun

of somebody with a problem.

00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,437

Butters, do you know

what you're supposed to do

00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,564

when your penis gets hard?

00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,774

Well, sure I do.

00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:21,942

Really?

00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,571

Yes. Sit down, Jimmy.

We should have a little talk.

00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,990

You see, Jimmy,

when a man's penis becomes hard,

00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:31,910

the man puts it into a lady,

into her vagina.

00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,581

Then, the hard penis sneezes

milk inside the lady's tummy,

00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,291

and after it's all done

sneezing milk,

00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,042

the penis stops being hard

00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:41,670

and the man loses interest

in the lady.

00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,798

So when your penis becomes hard,

00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,050

you're supposed to put it

in a lady's vagina,

00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,677

and then it stops being hard?

00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:49,845

That's right, Jimmy.

00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,847

But where am I gonna find a lady

to stick my penis in?

00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,057

The talent show is this Friday.

00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,187

Talk to you, Bertha.

00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,230

Okay.

See you later, Jessie.

00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,107

Hey, Bertha.

00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,526

Oh. Hey, Jimmy.

What's going on?

00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,903

Well, Bertha, I was wondering

00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:08,697

if I could stick my penis

in your vagina.

00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,032

What?!

No way!

00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,950

But the talent show is tomorrow.

00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,744

Jerk!

00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,787

Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell

are you doing, man?

00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,331

I'm trying to get laid.

What's it look like?

00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,582

You don't just go up to a girl

00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,751

and ask her if you can stick

your penis in her vagina.

00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,002

You have to ask her on a date,

00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,378

take her out

for some Italian food.

00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,214

Wow. Seems like you know a lot

about this stuff, Eric.

00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,758

- Have you gotten laid before?

- Sure, lots of times.

00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,635

I've been laid like 5,000 times.

00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,011

Well, w-what do I do?

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,804

I told you --

a date and then Italian food.

00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,473

Then you got to make her think

you're a good listener.

00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:35,807

Eric, I can't tell you why,

00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,352

but it's very important

that I score tonight.

00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,686

Can you come on the date

and help me?

00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,313

You're like a white Hitch.

00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,524

Sure. They do this all the time

in movies and TV shows.

00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,234

You go on the date

and wear an earpiece,

00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,401

and I'll be nearby,

00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,529

secretly be telling you

all the right things to say.

00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,531

Wow.

Thanks, Eric.

00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,410

Shauna, honey, I think

your little date is here.

00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:57,079

Okay, Mom!

00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,499

Hey, Shauna.

00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,500

Hi, Jimmy.

00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,169

Okay, Jimmy. First off,

tell her how good she looks.

00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:06,213

Wow, Shauna.

You look f-fantastic.

00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,257

Thanks, Jimmy.

Where are we going?

00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,925

We're going to an authentic

Italian restaurant --

00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,302

Buca di Faggocini.

00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,598

Welcome to Buca di Faggocini

00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,268

for the authentico experience

Italiano.

00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,644

My name is Roma.

00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,522

Can I start you out with some

Lotsa Pasta Macaroni Minis?

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:24,731

Uh, I think we're gonna try

00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,567

your authentic

Pizzarelli Calzona Poppers.

00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,151

Right away.

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,696

You know that girl Sally Brahmen

at our school?

00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,198

- I can't stand her.

- Jimmy. Jimmy!

00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,993

Jimmy, even though what she's

saying isn't interesting at all,

00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,035

you say, "Wow.

00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,204

That is very interesting.

Please tell me more."

00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,873

Wow. That is very interesting.

Please tell me more.

00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:42,874

Really?

00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,835

Well, Kelly bought

the same purse, and I was like,

00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,712

"No way do I want it now,"

because who wants a purse

00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,589

that both their best friends

have, right, and so...

00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:50,632

Now, when she stops yapping

again, say, "Wow.

00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,051

I've never thought of it that

way before, but you're right."

00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,387

I guess that's why I figured,

who needs friends like that?

00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,180

Wow. I've never thought of it

that way before,

00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:58,265

but you're right.

00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,266

It's like I told Debbie,

00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:00,851

if you're gonna go out

with my friend...

00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,519

Jimmy, when she finally shuts

her trap again,

00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,229

I want you to repeat

whatever she said

00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,024

and then follow it with, "Wow.

How insightful."

00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,693

And if you're gonna be that way,

I don't need to be your friend!

00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,778

"If you're gonna be that way,

I don't need to be your friend."

00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,113

Wow.

How insightful.

00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,699

You know, Jimmy,

you are a great listener.

00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:16,617

Really?

00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:20,203

Yeah. I mean, no other boys

really communicate like you do.

00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:21,788

Oh, I'm so glad you think so,

Shauna,

00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,291

because I really want to stick

my penis in your vagina.

00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,751

Yes. Nice, Jimmy.

Very nice.

00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,420

What?!

I'm not doing that!

00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,589

But the talent show

is tomorrow night.

00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:31,506

Creep!

00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:32,716

Ugh!

00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,343

Aah!

00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,225

Welcome, students and parents,

00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:45,520

to the annual South Park

Elementary talent show.

00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:50,359

We have a lot of little talented

performers to get through,

00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,904

so the quicker you shut up,

the quicker this will be over.

00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,867

First up, we have Billy Turner

from the third grade,

00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,287

who will be doing

an alto-sax solo.

00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,227

Jimmy?

Jimmy Valmer?

00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,353

Oh.

00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,356

Hi, Officer B-B-B-B-Barbrady.

00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,857

Jimmy, what are you doing

out here?

00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,651

The talent show is inside.

00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,945

I'm not gonna perform

in the talent show.

00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,906

Not perform?

00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,825

But, Jimmy,

you love talent shows.

00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,660

Everyone in town knows that.

00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:45,330

I just can't risk

getting up in front of everyone.

00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,415

Why?

00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,126

All right! I keep getting

an erection for no reason, okay?

00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,920

But I can't get any of the girls

here to let me do it to 'em.

00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,296

Well, of course not, Jimmy.

00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,507

Little girls don't want to

have sex.

00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,426

Then why does God make it

so that my penis gets hard

00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,178

if girls don't want to have it

in their v-vaginas?

00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,638

It's like a cruel joke.

00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,474

Well, Jimmy, the girls here

are young and pure.

00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:08,353

They're not like the ladies

down at Colfax Point.

00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,147

C-Colfax Point?

00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:13,150

Well, yeah. Those women

will have sex with anybody.

00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,067

Really?

00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,861

M-Maybe I can catch the bus

and get down there

00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,112

before the talent show ends.

00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,655

T-Thanks, Officer Barbrady.

00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,824

You're welcome, Jim.

00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,327

Wait.

00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,913

Colfax Point.

00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:30,625

Pimps and hoes

and tricks in rows.

00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:35,464

Women walk the streets

with corns on their feets.

00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,884

Broken dreams and no ice creams.

00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,261

You lookin' for a date?

00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,513

Hello?

Hello?

00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,724

I need to put my p-penis

in a woman's vagina.

00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:46,725

Any takers?

00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,435

Excuse me, ma'am.

What's your name?

00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,020

They call me Nutgobbler.

00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,773

Well, Nutgobbler,

I need to get laid.

00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,274

Huh?

00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,234

I have a raging hard-on

that just won't quit,

00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,278

and the talent show

has already started.

00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,363

You a cop?

00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,948

No.

Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.

00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,117

- You got money?

- Sure do.

00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,369

All right.

You got a place to go?

00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:09,247

Sure.

I know the perfect place.

00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,916

Welcome to Buca di Faggocini

00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,876

for the authentic experienco

Italiano.

00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,252

My name is Roma, and --

00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,254

Oh, it's nice to see you again,

Mr. Valmer.

00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,255

Hey, can it, jackass.

00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,132

I don't want her to know I was

just here with a different girl.

00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,675

Oh, right.

Pardon, signore.

00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,637

I'll come back with some

Garlic Bread Mediterranean.

00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,014

What are we doin', anyway?

00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,099

This is authentic Italian food

straight from S-Sicily.

00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,060

You should try the

Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Rolls.

00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,186

I can't eat too much.

00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,480

I've got an infected

urinary tract.

00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607

I've been pissing blood

for a week.

00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,359

Oh. Uh, wow.

That is very interesting.

00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,693

Please tell me more.

00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,904

Huh?

Well, that's it.

00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:44,991

I just piss blood, so I have to

stick a tampon up my pee hole.

00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,494

Wow. You know, I've never

thought of it that way before,

00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,495

but you're right.

00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,914

If you're pissing blood, you can

shove a tampon up your pee hole.

00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,791

You are very insightful.

Please tell me more.

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,418

Look, kid, what are you doing?

You want to get laid or not?

00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:56,419

Of course I want to get laid.

00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,796

That's why I'm taking you

to this fancy place

00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,381

and pretending to be interested

in what you have to say.

00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,549

Kid, I'm a hooker.

00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,218

You don't have to take me

to dinner or be nice to me.

00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,719

What?

F-For real?

00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,304

You paid me,

so you get to do me.

00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,348

- It's that simple.

- Well, jumpin' Jesus.

00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,766

What are we wasting our time

here for, then?

00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,101

The talent show is happening

right now.

00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,644

Let's get to r-r-rammin'.

00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,479

What you doin', ho?!

Having dinner?

00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:15,981

You're supposed to be working

for me!

00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:18,692

It's where the trick

wanted to go, you bastard!

00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:19,901

Trick?

I ain't stupid!

00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,903

Ain't no trick gonna

take you out to dinner.

00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,281

This pimp is trying to

steal you away from me.

00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,740

This is my ho!

00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,117

I beg to differ with you, sir.

00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,618

I paid for her

and took her out to dinner.

00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:29,619

She's my ho.

00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,037

Oh, Jesus.

00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,414

You got a problem, bitch?

00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,082

Yes, I do have a problem,

as a matter of fact.

00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,375

I've spent all my money

on this ho,

00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,835

and she's now my only shot

at getting laid,

00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,920

and the talent show is only

a couple hours from being over.

00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,422

You're coming home right now!

00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,841

Aah! Let go of my hair,

you son of a bitch!

00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,259

Sir?

Sir, that is my ho.

00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,927

I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!

00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,512

Sir. Sir!

00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,724

♪ Lying beside you ♪

00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,101

♪ Here in the dark ♪

00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:57,689

♪ Feeling your heartbeat

and mine ♪

00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,399

Oof.

00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,070

Son of a b-b-bitch!

00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,864

Taxi!

00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,825

Follow that p-pimp and ho.

00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,831

- Where are you taking me?

- I'm gonna kill you, ho!

00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,083

No! Please!

Q Money, I'm sorry!

00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,501

You're already dead, ho!

00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,380

Sir, I paid for that lady,

and by taking her,

00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,257

you are no better

than a common thief.

00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,468

you, punk.

00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,724

Nutgobbler,

grab on to my crutch!

00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,813

Get your ass back in here, ho!

00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:39,856

Aah!

00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,024

I got you, Nutgobbler.

00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,609

Aah!

00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,572

♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,575

♪ I'm not gonna be

in the talent show ♪

00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,911

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪

00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:56,247

♪ I'll never be

in your faggy talent show ♪

00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,041

Okay.

00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,628

That was the goth kids with

"Talent Shows Are for Fags."

00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,713

That was killer.

We showed them.

00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,091

Yeah.

I hope we win.

00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,677

Aah!

00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:09,678

Come on, ho!

00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:14,349

Aah!

00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,642

Look out!

00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,268

Huh?

00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,103

Huh?

00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,188

Aah!

00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,484

No!

00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:34,494

Stay on him!

I'm not giving up!

00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,167

Ta-da!

00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:43,586

Okay. Very nice,

Clark and Laura.

00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:44,838

Very nice.

00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:48,967

Our next act is Butters,

who will be singing a song.

00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,219

There's our boy.

00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,018

♪ Loo, loo, loo,

I've got some -- ♪

00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,228

♪ Some, uh -- ♪

00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:04,524

♪ Some, uh --

Some, uh -- uh... ♪

00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,401

Oh, no!

00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,404

No, no, no!

No!

00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,824

Okay. Thank you, Butters.

Very nice. Short and sweet.

00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,204

God damn!

This pimp just don't give up!

00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,622

Get next to him.

00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,547

How much do I owe you?

00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,550

$6.24.

00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,887

C-Can I just get $2 back,

please?

00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,722

Oh.

Thank you very much.

00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,515

There you go.

Have a good 'un.

00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,475

Thank you.

00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,232

Aah!

00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,736

You're gonna pay for this,

bitch!

00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,613

No!

Help!

00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,825

Aah!

00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,953

Don't worry, Nutgobbler.

I'm coming.

00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,417

Oh, Jesus.

Not now.

00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,045

Oh, boy.

This is embarrassing.

00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:10,215

And now we have Eric Cartman,

who will be doing

00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,593

select readings

from the movie "Scarface."

00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,224

You know what you are?

00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,434

You're all a bunch

of cockroaches.

00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,103

You need people like me.

00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,855

You need people like me so you

can point your fingers

00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,482

and say, "That's the bad guy."

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,442

So say good night

to the bad guy.

00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,903

That's my little boy.

00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,697

Please, Q Money!

Don't do this!

00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,533

I told you never to turn on me,

ho!

00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,536

Hey, j-j-jackass.

00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,914

I'm sorry I resorted

to calling you jackass just now,

00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,374

but I'm very upset.

00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917

And what are you gonna do, huh?!

00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:48,002

I got four feet on you

and a gun.

00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,087

What do you have?

00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:51,631

What do I have?

The weapon of comedy.

00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,174

So apparently the Chinese

and the Japanese

00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,259

aren't getting along lately.

00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:55,844

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:57,887

- What?

- I'll tell you one thing.

00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,932

Their food hasn't been getting

along with my stomach for years.

00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,601

That's pretty good.

00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,103

Martha Stewart is out of jail.

Have you seen this?

00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,814

Have you heard about this?

00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691

Oh, yeah.

That's right. She is.

00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,152

She's apparently gotten good at

baking cakes with keys in them.

00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,115

Serves you right,

you son of a bitch!

00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,033

Nice teamwork, Nutgobbler.

00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,202

I can't believe you chased me

all this way.

00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,705

You -- You really care about me.

00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,832

Not really. You're just a

hooker, and I need to get laid.

00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,500

The talent show could be over

any minute.

00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,544

That's good enough for me.

00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,462

Take me to bed.

00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,676

♪ Love lifts us up ♪

00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,512

♪ Where we belong ♪

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:44,517

♪ Where the eagles cry ♪

00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,395

♪ On a mountain high ♪

00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,356

♪ Love lifts us up ♪

00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,151

♪ Where we belong ♪

00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:57,864

♪ Far from the world below ♪

00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:01,409

♪ Up where

the clear winds blow ♪

00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:09,292

♪ I've got a Yankee Doodle

sweetheart ♪

00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,754

♪ She's my Yankee Doodle gal ♪

00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,799

♪ Yankee Doodle went to London

just to buy a pony ♪

00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:18,885

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪

00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,803

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪

00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:23,640

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪

00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,773

Okay. Very nice, Ike.

Thank you.

00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:32,774

All right, children.

00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,692

It looks like we have

no more contestants,

00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,820

which means the talent show

is over!

00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,907

Mr. Mackey, it's over.

00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,700

Wha-- Oh, all -- all right.

00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,869

Now we will tally up

the judges' scores

00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,288

and find out which act

they hated the least.

00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,249

Hold everything.

00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,386

Mrs. Garrison,

if you don't mind,

00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:02,887

I'll be taking that microphone.

00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:06,557

Okay. Let's put our hands

together for Jimmy Valmer.

00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,395

Wow.

What a terrific audience.

00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,980

So, apparently it's been

exactly two years

00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:13,231

since the fall of Baghdad.

00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,607

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,067

Just as B-Bush predicted,

00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,111

Baghdad fell, Iraq fell,

Saddam fell.

00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:20,571

The only thing that didn't

fall -- the price of gas.

00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,492

I just read in the paper

that China's protesting Japan.

00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,910

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,245

Yeah. I guess in China

you don't get --

00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,792

You've got to be kidding me.

00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,056

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,641

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,853

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,978 --> 00:00:20,563

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,440

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,443

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:28,946

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:33,284

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:36,120

[ Bell rings ]

00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,164

M'kay, kids, as your counselor,

00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:41,459

I know it can sometimes be

difficult to talk about subjects

00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:44,503

like drugs and sex and alcohol,

m'kay.

00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:47,506

So, as you remember, last week

I told you to write down

00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,425

any difficult questions you had

00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,677

and put them in this box,

anonymously,

00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,181

so we could discuss those

questions in class, m'kay.

00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,142

I got a lot of responses,

so let's read some aloud.

00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,602

[ Clears throat ]

00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,563

"Mr. Mackey is gay."

00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,732

[ Laughter ]

00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,026

M'kay, kids,

that is not funny, m'kay.

00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:10,196

This box is supposed to be used

for serious questions about --

00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,281

about serious issues, m'kay.

00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,158

Let's stop the tomfoolery.

00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:16,452

M'kay, let's look

at a real one here.

00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,288

"Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay."

00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:20,790

[ Laughter ]

00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:22,666

All right, all right.

That's enough, kids.

00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:24,668

Let's quiet down

and try to be mature, m'kay.

00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:26,420

Here we go, m'kay.

00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,590

"Mr. Mackey,

sometimes my parents hit me.

00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:31,050

And you are gay."

00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:32,718

[ Laughter ]

00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,929

Damn it, is there not one

serious question in here?

00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,514

"Mr. Mackey is gay."

00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:37,848

"Mr. Mackey is gay."

00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:39,934

M'kay, here.

[ Clears throat ]

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,228

"I am a boy

at South Park Elementary.

00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,772

Sometimes when I am sitting

in class,

00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:47,608

my penis becomes hard

for no reason.

00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,193

What should I do?"

00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,948

[ Snorts, laughs ]

00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:56,033

[ Laughter ]

00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:57,868

All right, k-- All right, kids!

That's enough!

00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,162

[ Bell jingles ]

00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,374

If you all can't be serious

about the question box,

00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:07,128

then we'll just do drug-

identification exercises, m'kay.

00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,420

ALL:

Aww!

00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,214

M'kay, Jimmy,

why don't you come up here

00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,049

and write down the name

of two narcotics?

00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,426

Uh, no.

T-That's okay, Mr. Mackey.

00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,512

Jimmy, I'm not asking you,

I'm telling you.

00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,056

Uh, just, uh, not right

this second, Mr. Mackey.

00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,432

Well, why the hell not?!

00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,560

Uh...

00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:27,940

[ Whispering ]

00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:29,567

- It's what?

- [ Whispering ]

00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,026

Oh, you do?

00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,027

[ Whispering ]

00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:34,071

R-Right now?

Right now it is?

00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:37,324

M'kay. M'kay.

Don't worry, Jimmy.

00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,035

M'kay, uh,

let's pick someone else.

00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,579

Uh, Eric,

why don't you come up here?

00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,831

Hey, that's bullcrap! How come

Jimmy doesn't have to do it?

00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,709

Well, because Jimmy's

pitching a tent right now.

00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,336

He's what?

00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,799

- Whoa!

- Wow!

00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,344

A $100 gift certificate

to South Park Mall?

00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,804

Maybe we should do

the talent show.

00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,972

What's the point?

00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,932

Jimmy always wins

with his stand-up comedy.

00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:03,475

- Hey, fellas.

- Did you see, Jimmy?

00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,561

They're giving away a $100

first prize for the talent show.

00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,562

Oh, I sure have.

00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,190

I've been working

on my r-routine all year long.

00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:10,482

I don't know how you do it,

dude.

00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:12,193

How do you get up in front

of that many people?

00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:14,111

Well, fellas,

entertainment is my life.

00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,529

I love being in front

of everyone.

00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:18,199

[ Bell jingles,

dramatic music plays ]

00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:20,075

- Aah!

- What's the matter?

00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,203

G-Got to go!

See you, fellas!

00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:25,456

E-excuse me!

E-Exc-- Excuse me!

00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:26,999

Excuse me, p-please!

00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,334

[ Music continues ]

00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,169

[ Breathing heavily ]

00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,588

- CRAIG: It's occupied.

- [ Grunts ]

00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,174

CARTMAN:

No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.

00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:43,349

Hey, Jimmy!

00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:48,520

[ Urinating ]

00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:51,565

Boy, did you see that

first prize for the talent show?

00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:54,568

You must be excited.

You'll probably win like always.

00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,737

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm real excited.

00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,614

Real excited, for some reason.

00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,325

Oh, Jesus.

What's wrong with me?

00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,035

[ Plopping ]

00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,912

Hey!

Who's dropping bombs in there?!

00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:06,455

How about a courtesy flush?

00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,290

CARTMAN:

Up yours, Butters.

00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,836

[ Sighs ]

00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,672

Hey, Jimmy.

How was school?

00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:15,798

Fine, Mom.

00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:16,924

Jimmy, we understand

00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,510

you're getting erections

in the classroom.

00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,595

What?

W-Who told you that?

00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,597

Mr. Mackey, your counselor.

00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:26,058

Aw, J-J-Jesus!

00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,811

Now, Jimmy,

it's nothing to be ashamed of.

00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895

But we know it's something

00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,231

you might have a hard time

talking about.

00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:34,441

Get it?

A hard time.

00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,902

So we took

your counselor's advice

00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,780

and called Dr. Pal

to help us all talk about this.

00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,323

D-Dr. Pal?

00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,533

Hey, Jimmy, I'm Dr. Pal!

00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,201

That's because I'm a doctor,

but I'm also your pal.

00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,036

- Are we cool?

- Uh, sure?

00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,288

Lot of times parents call me in

00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:48,956

because I can relate

to younger kids.

00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,749

I'm down. I'm dope.

You dig?

00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,168

I understand you have

some concerns about erections.

00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,004

Oop! Can't say "erection"

in front of the parents.

00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,797

Oh, God.

It feels so weird, huh?

00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,173

Well, a little, yes.

00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,301

Jimmy, there is nothing weird

about random erections.

00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,760

Almost every boy

goes through a phase

00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,096

where his penis becomes hard

for no particular reason.

00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,389

It's just part of growing up.

00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,224

Growing up?

Growing out is more like it.

00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,559

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:09,810

But I have to make it stop.

00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,061

The talent show

is this F-Friday.

00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,355

Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why

don't you skedaddle for a tick

00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,399

and let us hipsters talk

in privo?

00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,901

All right.

Come on, honey.

00:05:18,027 --> 00:05:19,069

Jimmy, as you get older,

00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:21,030

your body goes through

a lot of changes.

00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,531

Certain hormones

start to release

00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,908

as your whole reproductive

system begins to awaken.

00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:28,078

And so if you like, we can

take off our shirts and kiss.

00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,998

C-Come again?

00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,124

Oh! Hey! Nothing!

You see? See?

00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,334

That sent you off

on a different tangent,

00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,585

got you thinking

a different way.

00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,211

That's what Dr. Pal is here

to do --

00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:38,756

unless you think we should

take off our shirts and kiss.

00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,716

N-No, I do not want to take off

our shirts and kiss.

00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:41,925

Then to hell with you, kid.

00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,261

You can just deal with

your problems on your own.

00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,846

[ Door opens, closes ]

00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,809

[ Harp plays ]

00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,145

MAN: Next up for the talent

show, put your hands together

00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:56,690

for the incredibly talented

Jimmy Valmer!

00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,525

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,569

Wow.

What -- What a great audience.

00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,613

So, apparently Martha Stewart

is out of jail.

00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,531

Have you heard about this?

Have you seen this?

00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,367

She's very excited to

get started on her new show --

00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:09,912

"Martha Stewart Living With

an Electronic Ankle Bracelet."

00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,039

[ Laughter ]

00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,917

So, it looks like the Vatican

has finally chosen a new pope.

00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,627

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,338

[ Bell jingles,

dramatic music plays ]

00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,008

Uh, apparently they're going to

call him New Pope

00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,135

and refer to John Paul

as P-Pope Classic.

00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,470

[ Light applause ]

00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:28,389

Uh, so it -- so it looks

like Michael Jackson

00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,973

was having back problems

in court.

00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:33,060

You -- Uh, you know what they

say about b-b-back problems.

00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,104

[ Screams ]

00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,855

[ Indistinct shouting,

laughter ]

00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,066

Uh -- Uh, gee, what a --

what a terrific audience.

00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,692

W-What a fantastic audience.

00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:43,237

Don't worry, Jimmy,

we're not laughing with you.

00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,780

We're laughing at you.

00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,281

[ Laughter ]

00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,575

[ Harp plays ]

00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,787

[ Gasps, screams ]

00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,832

- [ Grunts ]

- [ Up-tempo music plays ]

00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:56,959

BUTTERS: ♪ Loo, loo, loo,

I've got some apples ♪

00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,002

♪ Loo, loo, loo,

you've got some, too ♪

00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:01,088

♪ Loo, loo, loo,

let's get together ♪

00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,132

- ♪ I know what we can do, loo ♪

- Butters.

00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,800

Oh.

Oh, hey, Jimmy.

00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,052

I'm just practicing

for the talent show.

00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,887

Butters, I really need

to talk to somebody,

00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,348

and I think you're the only

person who won't make fun of me.

00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,268

Oh, gosh. I'd never make fun

of somebody with a problem.

00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,437

Butters, do you know

what you're supposed to do

00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,564

when your penis gets hard?

00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,774

Well, sure I do.

00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:21,942

Really?

00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,571

Yes. Sit down, Jimmy.

We should have a little talk.

00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,990

You see, Jimmy,

when a man's penis becomes hard,

00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:31,910

the man puts it into a lady,

into her vagina.

00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,581

Then, the hard penis sneezes

milk inside the lady's tummy,

00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,291

and after it's all done

sneezing milk,

00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,042

the penis stops being hard

00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:41,670

and the man loses interest

in the lady.

00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,798

So when your penis becomes hard,

00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,050

you're supposed to put it

in a lady's vagina,

00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,677

and then it stops being hard?

00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:49,845

That's right, Jimmy.

00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,847

But where am I gonna find a lady

to stick my penis in?

00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,057

The talent show is this Friday.

00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,187

Talk to you, Bertha.

00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,230

Okay.

See you later, Jessie.

00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,107

Hey, Bertha.

00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,526

Oh. Hey, Jimmy.

What's going on?

00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,903

Well, Bertha, I was wondering

00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:08,697

if I could stick my penis

in your vagina.

00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,032

What?!

No way!

00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,950

But the talent show is tomorrow.

00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,744

- [ Grunts ]

- Jerk!

00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,787

Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell

are you doing, man?

00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,331

I'm trying to get laid.

What's it look like?

00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,582

You don't just go up to a girl

00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,751

and ask her if you can stick

your penis in her vagina.

00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,002

You have to ask her on a date,

00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,378

take her out

for some Italian food.

00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,214

Wow. Seems like you know a lot

about this stuff, Eric.

00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,758

- Have you gotten laid before?

- Sure, lots of times.

00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,635

I've been laid like 5,000 times.

00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,011

Well, w-what do I do?

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,804

I told you --

a date and then Italian food.

00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,473

Then you got to make her think

you're a good listener.

00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:35,807

Eric, I can't tell you why,

00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,352

but it's very important

that I score tonight.

00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,686

Can you come on the date

and help me?

00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,313

You're like a white Hitch.

00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,524

Sure. They do this all the time

in movies and TV shows.

00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,234

You go on the date

and wear an earpiece,

00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,401

and I'll be nearby,

00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,529

secretly be telling you

all the right things to say.

00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,531

Wow.

Thanks, Eric.

00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:52,699

[ Doorbell rings ]

00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,410

Shauna, honey, I think

your little date is here.

00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:57,079

Okay, Mom!

00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,499

Hey, Shauna.

00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,500

Hi, Jimmy.

00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,169

Okay, Jimmy. First off,

tell her how good she looks.

00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:06,213

Wow, Shauna.

You look f-fantastic.

00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,257

Thanks, Jimmy.

Where are we going?

00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,925

We're going to an authentic

Italian restaurant --

00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,302

Buca di Faggocini.

00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,598

Welcome to Buca di Faggocini

00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,268

for the authentico experience

Italiano.

00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,644

My name is Roma.

00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,522

Can I start you out with some

Lotsa Pasta Macaroni Minis?

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:24,731

Uh, I think we're gonna try

00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,567

your authentic

Pizzarelli Calzona Poppers.

00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,151

Right away.

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,696

You know that girl Sally Brahmen

at our school?

00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,198

- I can't stand her.

- CARTMAN: Jimmy. Jimmy!

00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,993

Jimmy, even though what she's

saying isn't interesting at all,

00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,035

you say, "Wow.

00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,204

That is very interesting.

Please tell me more."

00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,873

Wow. That is very interesting.

Please tell me more.

00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:42,874

Really?

00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,835

Well, Kelly bought

the same purse, and I was like,

00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,712

"No way do I want it now,"

because who wants a purse

00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,589

that both their best friends

have, right, and so...

00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:50,632

Now, when she stops yapping

again, say, "Wow.

00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,051

I've never thought of it that

way before, but you're right."

00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,387

I guess that's why I figured,

who needs friends like that?

00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,180

Wow. I've never thought of it

that way before,

00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:58,265

but you're right.

00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,266

It's like I told Debbie,

00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:00,851

if you're gonna go out

with my friend...

00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,519

Jimmy, when she finally shuts

her trap again,

00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,229

I want you to repeat

whatever she said

00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,024

and then follow it with, "Wow.

How insightful."

00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,693

And if you're gonna be that way,

I don't need to be your friend!

00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,778

"If you're gonna be that way,

I don't need to be your friend."

00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,113

Wow.

How insightful.

00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,699

You know, Jimmy,

you are a great listener.

00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:16,617

Really?

00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:20,203

Yeah. I mean, no other boys

really communicate like you do.

00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:21,788

Oh, I'm so glad you think so,

Shauna,

00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,291

because I really want to stick

my penis in your vagina.

00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,751

Yes. Nice, Jimmy.

Very nice.

00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,420

What?!

I'm not doing that!

00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,589

But the talent show

is tomorrow night.

00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:31,506

Creep!

00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:32,716

- [ Electricity crackling ]

- Ugh!

00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,343

- [ Feedback ]

- Aah!

00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,432

[ Indistinct conversations ]

00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,225

Welcome, students and parents,

00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:45,520

to the annual South Park

Elementary talent show.

00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,481

[ Light applause ]

00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:50,359

We have a lot of little talented

performers to get through,

00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,904

so the quicker you shut up,

the quicker this will be over.

00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,364

[ Talking stops ]

00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,867

First up, we have Billy Turner

from the third grade,

00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,287

who will be doing

an alto-sax solo.

00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:06,166

[ Playing "Frère Jacques"

off-key ]

00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,010

[ Sobbing ]

00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,138

[ Music continues in distance ]

00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:23,141

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,227

Jimmy?

Jimmy Valmer?

00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,353

[ Sniffs ]

Oh.

00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,356

Hi, Officer B-B-B-B-Barbrady.

00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,857

Jimmy, what are you doing

out here?

00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,651

The talent show is inside.

00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,945

I'm not gonna perform

in the talent show.

00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,530

[ Sniffs, sobs ]

00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,906

Not perform?

00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,825

But, Jimmy,

you love talent shows.

00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,660

Everyone in town knows that.

00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:45,330

I just can't risk

getting up in front of everyone.

00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,415

Why?

00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,126

All right! I keep getting

an erection for no reason, okay?

00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,920

But I can't get any of the girls

here to let me do it to 'em.

00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,296

Well, of course not, Jimmy.

00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,507

Little girls don't want to

have sex.

00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,426

Then why does God make it

so that my penis gets hard

00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,178

if girls don't want to have it

in their v-vaginas?

00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,638

It's like a cruel joke.

00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,474

Well, Jimmy, the girls here

are young and pure.

00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:08,353

They're not like the ladies

down at Colfax Point.

00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,147

C-Colfax Point?

00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:13,150

Well, yeah. Those women

will have sex with anybody.

00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,067

Really?

00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,861

M-Maybe I can catch the bus

and get down there

00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,112

before the talent show ends.

00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,655

T-Thanks, Officer Barbrady.

00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,824

You're welcome, Jim.

00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,327

Wait.

00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,913

- [ Horn honks ]

- MAN: Colfax Point.

00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:30,625

Pimps and hoes

and tricks in rows.

00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:35,464

Women walk the streets

with corns on their feets.

00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,884

Broken dreams and no ice creams.

00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,261

WOMAN:

You lookin' for a date?

00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,513

Hello?

Hello?

00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,724

I need to put my p-penis

in a woman's vagina.

00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:46,725

Any takers?

00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,435

Excuse me, ma'am.

What's your name?

00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,020

They call me Nutgobbler.

00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,773

Well, Nutgobbler,

I need to get laid.

00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,274

Huh?

00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,234

I have a raging hard-on

that just won't quit,

00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,278

and the talent show

has already started.

00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,363

You a cop?

00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,948

No.

Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.

00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,117

- You got money?

- Sure do.

00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,369

All right.

You got a place to go?

00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:09,247

Sure.

I know the perfect place.

00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,916

Welcome to Buca di Faggocini

00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,876

for the authentic experienco

Italiano.

00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,252

My name is Roma, and --

00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,254

Oh, it's nice to see you again,

Mr. Valmer.

00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,255

Hey, can it, jackass.

00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,132

I don't want her to know I was

just here with a different girl.

00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,675

Oh, right.

Pardon, signore.

00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,637

I'll come back with some

Garlic Bread Mediterranean.

00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,014

What are we doin', anyway?

00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,099

This is authentic Italian food

straight from S-Sicily.

00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,060

You should try the

Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Rolls.

00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,186

I can't eat too much.

00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,480

I've got an infected

urinary tract.

00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607

I've been pissing blood

for a week.

00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,359

Oh. Uh, wow.

That is very interesting.

00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,693

Please tell me more.

00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,904

Huh?

Well, that's it.

00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:44,991

I just piss blood, so I have to

stick a tampon up my pee hole.

00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,494

Wow. You know, I've never

thought of it that way before,

00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,495

but you're right.

00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,914

If you're pissing blood, you can

shove a tampon up your pee hole.

00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,791

You are very insightful.

Please tell me more.

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,418

Look, kid, what are you doing?

You want to get laid or not?

00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:56,419

Of course I want to get laid.

00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,796

That's why I'm taking you

to this fancy place

00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,381

and pretending to be interested

in what you have to say.

00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,549

Kid, I'm a hooker.

00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,218

You don't have to take me

to dinner or be nice to me.

00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,719

What?

F-For real?

00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,304

You paid me,

so you get to do me.

00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,348

- It's that simple.

- Well, jumpin' Jesus.

00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,766

What are we wasting our time

here for, then?

00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,101

The talent show is happening

right now.

00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,644

Let's get to r-r-rammin'.

00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,479

What you doin', ho?!

Having dinner?

00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:15,981

You're supposed to be working

for me!

00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:18,692

It's where the trick

wanted to go, you bastard!

00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:19,901

Trick?

I ain't stupid!

00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,903

Ain't no trick gonna

take you out to dinner.

00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,281

This pimp is trying to

steal you away from me.

00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,740

This is my ho!

00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,117

I beg to differ with you, sir.

00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,618

I paid for her

and took her out to dinner.

00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:29,619

She's my ho.

00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,037

Oh, Jesus.

00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,414

You got a problem, bitch?

00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,082

Yes, I do have a problem,

as a matter of fact.

00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,375

I've spent all my money

on this ho,

00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,835

and she's now my only shot

at getting laid,

00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,920

and the talent show is only

a couple hours from being over.

00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,422

You're coming home right now!

00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,841

Aah! Let go of my hair,

you son of a bitch!

00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,259

Sir?

Sir, that is my ho.

00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,927

I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!

00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,512

Sir. Sir!

00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,724

[ Off-key ]

♪ Lying beside you ♪

00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,101

♪ Here in the dark ♪

00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:57,689

♪ Feeling your heartbeat

and mine ♪

00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,399

Oof.

00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:01,276

[ Tires squeal ]

00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,070

Son of a b-b-bitch!

00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,864

Taxi!

00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,825

Follow that p-pimp and ho.

00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,535

[ Tires squeal ]

00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,120

[ Engine revs ]

00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,831

- Where are you taking me?

- I'm gonna kill you, ho!

00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,083

No! Please!

Q Money, I'm sorry!

00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,501

You're already dead, ho!

00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,380

Sir, I paid for that lady,

and by taking her,

00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,257

you are no better

than a common thief.

00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,468

[Bleep] you, punk.

00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,011

[ Tires screech ]

00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,888

[ Engine revs ]

00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,724

Nutgobbler,

grab on to my crutch!

00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,813

Get your ass back in here, ho!

00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:39,856

Aah!

00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,024

I got you, Nutgobbler.

00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,609

Aah!

00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:43,818

[ Engines revving ]

00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,737

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,572

♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,575

♪ I'm not gonna be

in the talent show ♪

00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,911

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪

00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:56,247

♪ I'll never be

in your faggy talent show ♪

00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,041

- [ Light applause ]

- Okay.

00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,628

That was the goth kids with

"Talent Shows Are for Fags."

00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,713

That was killer.

We showed them.

00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,091

Yeah.

I hope we win.

00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,677

Aah!

00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:09,678

Come on, ho!

00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:14,349

Aah!

00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,642

Look out!

00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,268

Huh?

00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,103

Huh?

00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,188

Aah!

00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,315

[ Muffled screaming ]

00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,484

No!

00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:27,487

[ Gunshots,

bullets ricocheting ]

00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:28,571

[ Grunts ]

00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,407

[ Tires squeal ]

00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:34,494

[ Grunts ] Stay on him!

I'm not giving up!

00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,167

- Ta-da!

- [Applause ]

00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:43,586

Okay. Very nice,

Clark and Laura.

00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:44,838

Very nice.

00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:48,967

Our next act is Butters,

who will be singing a song.

00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,219

There's our boy.

00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,557

[ Up-tempo introduction plays ]

00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,018

♪ Loo, loo, loo,

I've got some -- ♪

00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,228

♪ Some, uh -- ♪

00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:04,524

♪ Some, uh --

Some, uh -- uh... ♪

00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,401

- [ Music continues ]

- Oh, no!

00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,404

No, no, no!

No!

00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,824

Okay. Thank you, Butters.

Very nice. Short and sweet.

00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,577

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,204

God damn!

This pimp just don't give up!

00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,622

Get next to him.

00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:21,332

[ Grunts ]

00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,668

[ Tires screeching ]

00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,547

How much do I owe you?

00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,550

$6.24.

00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,887

C-Can I just get $2 back,

please?

00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,722

Oh.

Thank you very much.

00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,515

There you go.

Have a good 'un.

00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,475

Thank you.

00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,144

[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]

00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,232

Aah!

00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,692

[ Grunts ]

00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,736

You're gonna pay for this,

bitch!

00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,613

No!

Help!

00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,825

Aah!

00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,953

Don't worry, Nutgobbler.

I'm coming.

00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,872

[ Bell jingles ]

00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,417

Oh, Jesus.

Not now.

00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,045

Oh, boy.

This is embarrassing.

00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:10,215

And now we have Eric Cartman,

who will be doing

00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,593

select readings

from the movie "Scarface."

00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,224

[ Cuban accent ]

You know what you are?

00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,434

You're all a bunch

of [bleep] cockroaches.

00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,103

You need people like me.

00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,855

You need people like me so you

can point your [bleep] fingers

00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,482

and say, "That's the bad guy."

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,442

So say good night

to the bad guy.

00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,903

That's my little boy.

00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,697

Please, Q Money!

Don't do this!

00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,533

I told you never to turn on me,

ho!

00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,536

Hey, j-j-jackass.

00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,914

I'm sorry I resorted

to calling you jackass just now,

00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,374

but I'm very upset.

00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917

And what are you gonna do, huh?!

00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:48,002

I got four feet on you

and a gun.

00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,087

What do you have?

00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:51,631

What do I have?

The weapon of comedy.

00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,174

So apparently the Chinese

and the Japanese

00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,259

aren't getting along lately.

00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:55,844

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:57,887

- What?

- I'll tell you one thing.

00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,932

Their food hasn't been getting

along with my stomach for years.

00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,601

[ Laughs ]

That's pretty good.

00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,103

Martha Stewart is out of jail.

Have you seen this?

00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,814

- Have you heard about this?

- [ Laughs ]

00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691

Oh, yeah.

That's right. She is.

00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,152

She's apparently gotten good at

baking cakes with keys in them.

00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,237

[ Laughing ]

00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,196

[ Grunts ]

00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,115

Serves you right,

you son of a bitch!

00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,033

Nice teamwork, Nutgobbler.

00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,202

I can't believe you chased me

all this way.

00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,705

You -- You really care about me.

00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,832

Not really. You're just a

hooker, and I need to get laid.

00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,500

The talent show could be over

any minute.

00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,544

That's good enough for me.

00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,462

Take me to bed.

00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:34,757

[ Down-tempo introduction

plays ]

00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,676

♪ Love lifts us up ♪

00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,512

♪ Where we belong ♪

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:44,517

♪ Where the eagles cry ♪

00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,395

♪ On a mountain high ♪

00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,813

[Applause ]

00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,356

♪ Love lifts us up ♪

00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,151

♪ Where we belong ♪

00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:57,864

♪ Far from the world below ♪

00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:01,409

♪ Up where

the clear winds blow ♪

00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:09,292

♪ I've got a Yankee Doodle

sweetheart ♪

00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,754

♪ She's my Yankee Doodle gal ♪

00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,799

♪ Yankee Doodle went to London

just to buy a pony ♪

00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:18,885

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪

00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,803

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪

00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:23,640

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪

00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,392

[ Drumroll, explosion ]

00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:28,686

[ Light applause ]

00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,773

Okay. Very nice, Ike.

Thank you.

00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:32,774

All right, children.

00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,692

It looks like we have

no more contestants,

00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,820

which means the talent show

is over!

00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,614

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,907

Mr. Mackey, it's over.

00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,700

Wha-- Oh, all -- all right.

00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,869

Now we will tally up

the judges' scores

00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,288

and find out which act

they hated the least.

00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,249

JIMMY:

Hold everything.

00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:52,919

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,386

Mrs. Garrison,

if you don't mind,

00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:02,887

I'll be taking that microphone.

00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:06,557

Okay. Let's put our hands

together for Jimmy Valmer.

00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:09,143

[ Light applause ]

00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,395

Wow.

What a terrific audience.

00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,980

So, apparently it's been

exactly two years

00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:13,231

since the fall of Baghdad.

00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,607

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,067

Just as B-Bush predicted,

00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,111

Baghdad fell, Iraq fell,

Saddam fell.

00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:20,571

The only thing that didn't

fall -- the price of gas.

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,532

[ Laughter ]

00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,492

I just read in the paper

that China's protesting Japan.

00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,910

Have you seen this?

Have you heard about this?

00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,245

Yeah. I guess in China

you don't get --

00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,998

[ Bell jingles ]

00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,792

You've got to be kidding me.