День эрекции — У Джимми начинаются эрекции, и он волнуется по этому поводу перед выступлением на школьном шоу талантов.

Предыдущая серия S09 E06 Смерть Эрика Картмана

Следующая серия S09 E08 За два дня до послезавтра

День эрекции

Erection Day

Сезон: 09Серия: 07

Описание

У Джимми начинаются эрекции, и он волнуется по этому поводу перед выступлением на школьном шоу талантов.

Субтитры

00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:30,700 ДЕНЬ ЭРЕКЦИИ субтитры: AVS© <u> Ryb© <b></b></u>
00:00:36,207 --> 00:00:38,207 Итак, дети, как ваш психолог, я знаю,
00:00:38,307 --> 00:00:44,207 что бывает тяжело постоянно говорить о вещах типа наркотиков, секса и алкоголя, п’нятненько?
00:00:44,307 --> 00:00:49,107 Как вы помните, на прошлой неделе я велел вам записать волнующие вас вопросы
00:00:49,307 --> 00:00:51,607 и положить записки в эту коробку, на условиях полной анонимности,
00:00:51,707 --> 00:00:55,007 чтобы потом мы их обсудили в классе, п’нятненько?
00:00:55,207 --> 00:00:58,207 Записок пришло много, так что зачитаем некоторые.
00:01:00,007 --> 00:01:02,307 «Мистер Мэки – гомик».
00:01:04,807 --> 00:01:07,207 Эй, детишки, это не смешно! П’нятно?
00:01:07,307 --> 00:01:11,507 В этой коробке должны быть серьёзные вопросы! На, на серьёзные темы! П’нятненько?!
00:01:11,807 --> 00:01:13,907 Так что это, хватит дурака валять.
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:16,007 Вот эта выглядит вполне серьёзно.
00:01:16,307 --> 00:01:19,307 «Дорогой мистер Мэки, вы гомик».
00:01:20,607 --> 00:01:22,307 Ну хватит уже!
00:01:22,507 --> 00:01:24,707 Попрошу тишины, и вообще, пора бы уж повзрослеть, п’нятненько?
00:01:24,907 --> 00:01:26,307 Так, пошли дальше…
00:01:26,507 --> 00:01:31,007 Вот: «Мистер Мэки, иногда родители бьют меня, а вы гомик».
00:01:32,907 --> 00:01:35,107 Проклятье! Что, ни одного серьёзного вопроса?
00:01:35,107 --> 00:01:37,607 ...«мистер Мэки – гомик», «мистер Мэки – гомик»...
00:01:37,907 --> 00:01:38,807 а, вот:
00:01:39,807 --> 00:01:44,607 «Я ученик начальной школы Саут-Парка. Бывает, что, когда я сижу на уроке,
00:01:44,607 --> 00:01:47,607 мой пенис твердеет без видимой причины.
00:01:47,807 --> 00:01:49,007 Что мне делать?»
00:01:56,107 --> 00:01:57,807 Ну всё, с меня хватит!
00:02:01,407 --> 00:02:03,207 Не можете серьёзно вопросы задавать,
00:02:03,307 --> 00:02:06,807 будем делать задание по распознаванию наркотических веществ, п’нятно?!
00:02:08,307 --> 00:02:12,107 Так, эээ, Джимми, выйди к доске и напиши названия двух каких-либо наркотиков.
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,307 Э… нет, всё в порядке, мистер Мэки.
00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:16,307 Джимми, это не просьба, а приказ!
00:02:16,607 --> 00:02:18,707 Эээ... ммм... не сейчас, мистер Мэки.
00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:20,507 С какой это стати «не сейчас»?!
00:02:27,807 --> 00:02:29,007 У тебя что?...
00:02:30,507 --> 00:02:31,207 Действительно?...
00:02:31,707 --> 00:02:34,007 Прямо сейчас?...
00:02:34,507 --> 00:02:37,007 Ладно, ладно, не беспокойся, Джимми.
00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:41,707 Так, давайте спросим кого-нибудь ещё. Эрик, выйди к доске.
00:02:41,707 --> 00:02:43,907 Эй, что за хрень?! Почему это Джимми можно не выходить к доске?
00:02:44,107 --> 00:02:46,907 Потому что у него это… палатка стоит.
00:02:47,907 --> 00:02:48,707 Что у него…?!
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,207 «Школьный КОНКУРС ТАЛАНТОВ в ближайшую пятницу»
00:02:55,507 --> 00:02:57,607 Приз – чек на 100 баксов в супермаркет Саут-Парка?
00:02:57,707 --> 00:02:58,907 Может, и нам поучаствовать в конкурсе талантов?
00:02:59,007 --> 00:03:01,807 А какой смысл? Всё равно каждый раз побеждает Джимми со своими комедийными монологами.
00:03:01,907 --> 00:03:02,607 ЗдорОво, пацаны!
00:03:02,707 --> 00:03:05,707 Зацени, Джимми! За победу в конкурсе дают приз на сто баксов!
00:03:05,807 --> 00:03:08,807 А, да, знаю. Я весь год работал над новым н-н-н-номером.
00:03:09,107 --> 00:03:12,107 Не знаю, чувак, как тебе это удаётся - стоять на сцене перед толпой народа?
00:03:12,207 --> 00:03:15,207 Пацаны, эстрада – это моя жизнь. Мне нравится быть у всех на глазах.
00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,207 Что случилось?
00:03:20,407 --> 00:03:22,007 Мне надо и-ид... Мне надо идти! Пока, пацаны.
00:03:22,607 --> 00:03:25,307 И-извините!... И-из-из-звините!...
00:03:25,707 --> 00:03:26,907 Извините,п-пожалуйста!
00:03:30,407 --> 00:03:31,507 Занято!
00:03:32,907 --> 00:03:34,807 Мест в гостинице нет, Дева Мария!
00:03:41,407 --> 00:03:42,707 Привет, Джимми!
00:03:48,807 --> 00:03:51,607 Видал, какой приз за победу в конкурсе?
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,307 Небось волнуешься? Да ты наверняка опять выиграешь, как всегда.
00:03:54,607 --> 00:03:58,707 Да… я взволнован... Сильно взволнован... По одной причине...
00:03:59,007 --> 00:04:01,707 Господи, что ж со мной творится-то?
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:06,707 Эй, кто там бомбы сбрасывает? Как насчёт смыть за собой?
00:04:06,807 --> 00:04:08,307 Тебя бы кто смыл, Баттерс.
00:04:13,407 --> 00:04:14,807 Джимми, как дела в школе?
00:04:14,907 --> 00:04:15,707 Нормально, мам.
00:04:15,807 --> 00:04:19,107 Джимми, как мы поняли, у тебя в прямо в классе случилась эрекция?
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,607 Чего? К-кто вам сказал?
00:04:21,907 --> 00:04:23,607 Мистер Мэки, ваш школьный психолог.
00:04:23,807 --> 00:04:25,907 О, Г-г-г-господи!
00:04:25,907 --> 00:04:28,707 Джимми, здесь нечего стыдиться.
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:32,007 Но мы знаем, что об этом, наверное, тебе тяжело разговаривать.
00:04:32,507 --> 00:04:34,007 Тяжело, понял?
00:04:35,107 --> 00:04:40,007 Поэтому мы, по совету вашего психолога, позвали доктора Дружбана, чтобы облегчить тебе эту задачу.
00:04:40,007 --> 00:04:41,207 Д-доктора Дружбана?!
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:45,007 Привет, Джимми, я доктор Дружбан! То есть я не только доктор, но и твой закадычный дружбан! Клёво, да?
00:04:45,207 --> 00:04:46,007 Да вроде...
00:04:46,107 --> 00:04:48,907 Родители часто вызывают меня к своим детям, потому что я легко налаживаю с ними контакт.
00:04:49,007 --> 00:04:50,707 Со мной всё ништяк, врубился?
00:04:50,907 --> 00:04:53,307 Значит, сейчас тебя беспокоит эрекция?
00:04:53,307 --> 00:04:56,307 «Ой, я не могу говорить «эрекция» при родителях! Боже, мне так неловко!»
00:04:57,007 --> 00:04:58,307 Ну… есть немного.
00:04:58,407 --> 00:05:00,407 Джимми, нет ничего странного в непроизвольной эрекции.
00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:03,907 В жизни практически каждого мальчика наступает момент, когда его пенис твердеет… без видимой причины.
00:05:04,007 --> 00:05:07,407 Это лишь часть процесса взросления. Взросления? Скорее, взращения, ха-ха!
00:05:08,407 --> 00:05:11,407 Но мне надо избавиться от этого! Конкурс талантов уже в п-пятницу!
00:05:11,707 --> 00:05:15,207 Вот что, папа с мамой, слиняйте-ка с глаз долой, дайте правильным пацанам побазарить без свидетелей.
00:05:15,407 --> 00:05:17,307 А, хорошо. Пойдём дорогая.
00:05:17,707 --> 00:05:21,007 Джимми, по мере взросления твой организм претерпевает массу изменений.
00:05:21,107 --> 00:05:25,007 Выбрасываются определённые гормоны, пробуждается твоя репродуктивная система,
00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:27,407 так что, если ты не против, давай разденемся и поцелуемся.
00:05:29,107 --> 00:05:30,807 Ч-ч-чего?
00:05:31,007 --> 00:05:34,607 О нет, нет, ничего! Видишь, ты отклонился от темы, сбился с нужной мысли!
00:05:34,607 --> 00:05:36,007 Вот зачем я, доктор Дружбан, здесь и нужен!
00:05:36,207 --> 00:05:38,707 Пока ты сам не поймёшь, что нам лучше раздеться и поцеловаться...
00:05:38,907 --> 00:05:41,107 Н-нет, не хочу я ни раздеваться, ни целоваться.
00:05:41,307 --> 00:05:43,507 Да ну тебя к чёрту! Сам тогда разбирайся со своими проблемами.
00:05:50,907 --> 00:05:52,507 А теперь следующий номер нашего конкурса.
00:05:52,507 --> 00:05:56,307 Поприветствуем невероятно талантливого Джимми Волмера!
00:05:58,807 --> 00:06:00,507 Спасибо, вы замечательная публика.
00:06:00,707 --> 00:06:02,607 Вроде как Марта Стюарт вышла из тюрьмы.
00:06:02,907 --> 00:06:04,307 Вы слыхали об этом, вы видали это?
00:06:04,507 --> 00:06:07,507 Скоро на телевидении выйдет новая передача «Марта Стюарт в прямом эфире...
00:06:07,807 --> 00:06:09,607 с электронным браслетом на ноге».
00:06:12,207 --> 00:06:15,007 Похоже, что в Ватикане наконец-то выбрали нового Папу.
00:06:15,307 --> 00:06:16,607 Вы видали это, вы слыхали об этом?
00:06:21,007 --> 00:06:25,107 П-по видимому, его будут называть Новым Папой, а покойного Иоанна Павла – Классическим П-папой.
00:06:26,607 --> 00:06:29,907 И... это... похоже, у Майкла Джексона опять проблемы в суде.
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:33,507 Ну, вы знаете... это... п-п-проблемы у него в суде...
00:06:37,407 --> 00:06:40,407 Вы потрясающая публика... фантастическая публика...
00:06:40,907 --> 00:06:44,907 Всё в порядке, Джимми, мы смеёмся не над твоими шутками, а над ТОБОЙ!
00:06:54,507 --> 00:06:57,107 <i>Лу-лу-лу, у меня есть пара яблок,</i>
00:06:57,207 --> 00:06:58,907 <i> Лу-лу-лу, и у тебя,</i>
00:06:59,107 --> 00:07:01,207 <i>Лу-лу-лу, давай-ка вместе,</i>
00:07:01,207 --> 00:07:03,407 <i> Мы займёмся тра-ля-ля...</i> - Баттерс!
00:07:03,407 --> 00:07:04,707 Что? А, привет, Джимми!
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:07,007 А я тут тренируюсь перед конкурсом талантов.
00:07:07,107 --> 00:07:08,807 Баттерс, мне очень нужно с кем-нибудь поговорить,
00:07:08,907 --> 00:07:11,507 и, по-моему, ты единственный, кто не станет надо мной п-п-прикалываться.
00:07:11,607 --> 00:07:14,007 Да что ты, я никогда не издеваюсь над теми, у кого проблемы.
00:07:14,207 --> 00:07:17,507 Баттерс, ты знаешь, что надо делать, когда твой пенис твердеет?
00:07:19,407 --> 00:07:20,807 Конечно, знаю.
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:21,607 Правда?!
00:07:21,907 --> 00:07:24,607 Да, а теперь присядь, Джимми, давай поговорим.
00:07:25,407 --> 00:07:28,107 Видишь ли, когда мужской член твердеет,
00:07:28,107 --> 00:07:29,607 мужчина засовывает его в женщину.
00:07:29,707 --> 00:07:31,707 В её "влагааалище".
00:07:31,707 --> 00:07:35,607 А потом, твёрдый член сплёвывает молоко внутри женщины,
00:07:35,707 --> 00:07:39,107 и, сплюнув, он затем размягчается,
00:07:39,107 --> 00:07:41,207 и после этого мужчина теряет к женщине всякий интерес.
00:07:42,807 --> 00:07:44,507 Значит, когда твой член твердеет,
00:07:44,607 --> 00:07:47,007 надо вставить его женщине во влагалище,
00:07:47,107 --> 00:07:48,607 и тогда он опять размягчится?
00:07:48,607 --> 00:07:49,807 Вот именно, Джимми.
00:07:50,007 --> 00:07:53,507 Но где мне найти женщину, чтобы ей вставить? Конкурс талантов уже в пятницу!
00:07:57,007 --> 00:07:57,907 Пока, Берта!
00:07:58,007 --> 00:07:59,607 До встречи, Джесси!
00:08:01,007 --> 00:08:01,907 Привет, Берта!
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,407 А, привет, Джимми! Чего тебе?
00:08:04,607 --> 00:08:08,007 Да вот, хочу поинтересоваться, могу ли я засунуть свой член тебе во влагалище?
00:08:08,207 --> 00:08:10,007 Что?! Никогда!
00:08:10,307 --> 00:08:12,107 Но ведь конкурс талантов уже завтра!
00:08:12,607 --> 00:08:13,407 Придурок!
00:08:13,707 --> 00:08:15,707 Джимми, Джимми, что ты, чёрт возьми, делаешь?
00:08:15,907 --> 00:08:17,407 Пытаюсь перепихнуться. Что, не похоже?
00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:20,707 Чувак, нельзя же вот так просто спрашивать девчонку, можно ли ей засунуть член во влагалище.
00:08:20,707 --> 00:08:23,207 Её надо пригласить на свидание, сводить в итальянский ресторан.
00:08:23,307 --> 00:08:26,307 О как! Да ты, я смотрю, всё про это знаешь. Ты что, уже перепихивался?
00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:29,507 Да, много раз. Примерно пять тысяч раз уже.
00:08:29,807 --> 00:08:30,807 Так что же мне д-делать?
00:08:30,907 --> 00:08:32,707 Говорю тебе: свидание в итальянском ресторане.
00:08:32,707 --> 00:08:34,307 И потом ещё дай ей понять, что ты умеешь слушать.
00:08:34,507 --> 00:08:38,107 Эрик, не могу объяснить почему, но <i>очень</i> важно, чтобы мне сегодня дали!
00:08:38,407 --> 00:08:41,007 Ты не мог бы пойти на это свидание и помочь мне? Ты же мне теперь как отец родной.
00:08:41,007 --> 00:08:43,407 Почему нет? Так и в кино делают, и на телевидении.
00:08:43,407 --> 00:08:45,207 Ты пойдёшь на свидание в наушниках,
00:08:45,207 --> 00:08:48,207 а я засяду неподалёку и буду тайно передавать тебе, что нужно говорить.
00:08:48,407 --> 00:08:49,807 Ух ты! Спасибо, Эрик.
00:08:52,507 --> 00:08:55,207 Шона, милая, твой кавалер пришёл!
00:08:55,607 --> 00:08:57,007 Хорошо, мам.
00:08:59,007 --> 00:08:59,907 Привет, Шона!
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,507 Привет, Джимми!
00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:04,107 Значит так. Для начала скажи ей, что она прекрасно выглядит.
00:09:04,107 --> 00:09:06,007 О, Шона, ты чудесно выглядишь!
00:09:06,207 --> 00:09:08,307 Спасибо, Джимми! Куда пойдём?
00:09:08,407 --> 00:09:11,407 Мы пойдём в настоящий итальянский ресторан «Бука де Педричини».
00:09:15,007 --> 00:09:19,307 Добро пожаловать в «Бука де Педричини», настоящий ресторано итальяно!
00:09:19,307 --> 00:09:23,407 Меня зовут Рома. Могу предложить для начала нашу фирменную «паста макарони минис».
00:09:23,507 --> 00:09:26,407 Думаю, лучше мы попробуем вашу фирменную «пиццарели кассерона попперс».
00:09:26,507 --> 00:09:28,007 Будет исполнено!
00:09:28,307 --> 00:09:32,207 Знаешь, есть у нас в школе такая Салли Роуман? Терпеть её не могу!
00:09:32,307 --> 00:09:35,707 Джимми, Джимми, даже если тебе её болтовня неинтересна,
00:09:35,807 --> 00:09:38,807 говори: «Ух ты! Как интересно! Расскажи ещё».
00:09:39,307 --> 00:09:41,807 Ух ты! Как интересно! Расскажи ещё.
00:09:41,907 --> 00:09:42,607 Правда?!
00:09:42,907 --> 00:09:45,907 Ну так вот, значит, Келлиган купила точно такую же сумочку, и я ей: «Чтобы больше я её у тебя не видела!»,
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:48,207 ведь куда ж это годится, когда у тебя такая же сумочка, как и у твоей подруги, так ведь? И если...
00:09:48,307 --> 00:09:49,807 Так, и когда она закончит трёп, скажи ей:
00:09:49,907 --> 00:09:52,907 «О как! Никогда раньше об этом не думал, но ты права».
00:09:53,007 --> 00:09:55,407 То есть, я имею в виду, кому нужна такая подруга?
00:09:55,407 --> 00:09:58,307 О как! Никогда раньше об этом не думал, но ты права.
00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,907 Это как я говорю Дебби: «Если хочешь и <i>дальше</i> тусоваться с моими подругами...»
00:10:00,907 --> 00:10:04,307 Так, Джимми, когда она уже заткнёт свой фонтан, повтори всё что она сказала,
00:10:04,307 --> 00:10:06,607 и добавь: «О, как проницательно!»
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,407 «...И если ты <i>так</i> будешь себя вести, то мне такая подруга <i>не нужна</i>!»
00:10:09,407 --> 00:10:13,007 «Если ты так будешь себя вести, то мне такая подруга не нужна» - о, как проницательно!
00:10:13,107 --> 00:10:15,607 Знаешь, Джимми, а ты прекрасно умеешь слушать.
00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:16,507 Правда?
00:10:16,607 --> 00:10:20,107 Да. Никто из парней не умеет общаться так, как ты.
00:10:20,207 --> 00:10:21,707 О, я так рад слышать это от тебя, Шона,
00:10:21,807 --> 00:10:23,907 потому что мне очень хочется вставить свой пенис в твоё влагалище.
00:10:24,107 --> 00:10:25,707 Неплохо, Джимми, совсем неплохо.
00:10:26,807 --> 00:10:28,307 Что?! Я не буду этого делать!
00:10:28,607 --> 00:10:30,507 Но ведь конкурс талантов уже завтра вечером!
00:10:30,807 --> 00:10:31,707 Вот урод!
00:10:40,854 --> 00:10:42,654 Добро пожаловать, ученики и родители,
00:10:42,654 --> 00:10:45,654 на ежегодный конкурс талантов в начальной школе Саут-Парка!
00:10:48,154 --> 00:10:50,754 Будет много молодых талантливых исполнителей,
00:10:50,754 --> 00:10:53,654 так что чем быстрее вы замолкнете, тем скорее всё это кончится.
00:10:55,854 --> 00:10:58,854 Итак, первым у нас идёт Билли Тёрнер из третьего класса,
00:10:59,154 --> 00:11:02,154 который исполнит соло на альт-саксофоне.
00:11:23,854 --> 00:11:25,854 Джимми? Джимми Волмер?
00:11:26,254 --> 00:11:29,654 А?... Здрасьте, офицер Б-б-б-барбрэди.
00:11:29,654 --> 00:11:32,654 Джимми, что ты здесь делаешь? Конкурс талантов там, внутри.
00:11:33,154 --> 00:11:35,654 Я... не буду в нём участвовать.
00:11:36,954 --> 00:11:40,254 Не будешь? Но ты же любишь конкурсы талантов!
00:11:40,254 --> 00:11:41,954 Весь город об этом знает.
00:11:42,454 --> 00:11:44,554 Я н-не рискую выступать на публике.
00:11:45,354 --> 00:11:46,354 Почему же?
00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:49,154 Да потому, что у меня беспричинная эрекция всю дорогу, вот почему!
00:11:49,354 --> 00:11:51,854 И я не могу найти хоть одну девчонку, которая позволила бы мне... сделать это.
00:11:51,954 --> 00:11:55,454 Ну разумеется, Джимми! Маленьким девочкам секс не нужен.
00:11:55,554 --> 00:12:00,054 Так почему же Господь позволяет моему пенису твердеть , если девчонки не хотят его в свои влагалища?
00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:01,854 Это прямо как злая шутка.
00:12:01,954 --> 00:12:04,654 Джимми, эти девочки слишком молоды и невинны.
00:12:04,754 --> 00:12:07,754 Не то что женщины из Колфакс-Пойнт.
00:12:08,554 --> 00:12:10,054 ...Колфакс-Пойнт?
00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:13,354 Ну да, они там готовы заниматься сексом с кем угодно.
00:12:13,554 --> 00:12:17,154 Что, правда? Тогда, наверное, я м-могу поймать автобус... и добраться туда, пока конкурс не закончился!
00:12:17,354 --> 00:12:18,654 С-спасибо, офицер Барбрэди!
00:12:18,954 --> 00:12:20,554 Не за что, Джим!
00:12:23,554 --> 00:12:24,454 Подождите-ка...
00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:26,954 Колфакс-Пойнт.
00:12:27,354 --> 00:12:31,054 Злачный район, бурлит как бульон.
00:12:31,354 --> 00:12:35,554 Проститутки пашут круглые сутки.
00:12:35,854 --> 00:12:39,154 Жизнь пропащая, завалящая...
00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:41,254 Хочешь поразвлечься?
00:12:41,854 --> 00:12:46,854 Эй!... Эй!... Мне нужно... п-пенис вставить в женское влагалище. Кто-нибудь?
00:12:47,154 --> 00:12:48,754 Извините, мэм! Как вас зовут?
00:12:48,754 --> 00:12:50,254 Меня называют Яйцезаглоткой.
00:12:50,254 --> 00:12:52,054 Вот что, Яйцезаглотка , мне надо перепихнуться.
00:12:53,254 --> 00:12:54,254 Чего?
00:12:54,554 --> 00:12:58,254 У меня жуткий стояк, который никак не пройдёт, а конкурс талантов уже начался.
00:12:58,854 --> 00:13:00,154 Ты чё, мусор?
00:13:00,454 --> 00:13:02,154 Нет, вообще-то я эстрадный комик.
00:13:02,454 --> 00:13:03,354 Деньги есть?
00:13:03,654 --> 00:13:04,354 Конечно.
00:13:04,754 --> 00:13:06,454 Хорошо, есть где расположиться?
00:13:06,754 --> 00:13:08,554 Конечно. Я з-знаю отличное место...
00:13:09,654 --> 00:13:13,454 Добро пожаловать в «Бука де Педричини», настоящий ресторано итальяно!
00:13:13,454 --> 00:13:16,354 Меня зовут Рома и... а, рад снова вас видеть, мистер Волмер!
00:13:16,454 --> 00:13:19,354 Эй, хорош, придурок! Я не хочу, чтобы узнали, что я был здесь с другой девчонкой!
00:13:19,454 --> 00:13:20,954 Ах, конечно, пардон, синьор!
00:13:20,954 --> 00:13:23,454 Пойду принесу хлебцев с чесноком по-средиземноморски.
00:13:24,254 --> 00:13:26,054 Чего мы здесь делаем?
00:13:26,354 --> 00:13:28,454 Здесь настоящая итальянская кухня прямо с С-сицилии.
00:13:28,454 --> 00:13:30,254 Попробуй «супер-рулет из пиццы с моццареллой».
00:13:30,254 --> 00:13:33,654 Не могу я столько жрать, у меня инфекция мочевыводящих путей.
00:13:33,654 --> 00:13:35,654 Я неделю после этого кровью ссать буду.
00:13:35,954 --> 00:13:38,654 Э-э... ух ты, как интересно! Расскажи ещё.
00:13:38,854 --> 00:13:44,654 Ну да, вот так, ссу кровью. Поэтому приходится тампон себе в дырку запихивать.
00:13:45,454 --> 00:13:48,454 О как! Никогда раньше об этом не думал, но ты права.
00:13:48,754 --> 00:13:51,054 Если ссышь кровью, надо засовывать тампон себе в дырку.
00:13:51,354 --> 00:13:53,054 Как проницательно! Расскажи ещё.
00:13:53,154 --> 00:13:55,654 Слушай, мальчик, ты чего? Ты трахаться собираешься или как?
00:13:55,854 --> 00:13:59,554 Конечно же, собираюсь, потому и привёл тебя в это з-замечательное место и делаю вид, что мне интересны твои разговоры.
00:13:59,554 --> 00:14:03,454 Пацан, я же шлюха. Тебе незачем приглашать меня на ужин ИЛИ быть со мной обходительным.
00:14:03,654 --> 00:14:04,754 Что? С-серьёзно?
00:14:05,054 --> 00:14:07,654 Ты мне платишь и делаешь со мной всё, что хочешь. Всё просто.
00:14:07,854 --> 00:14:10,054 Ну так, Господи Иисусе, что ж мы время-то зря тратим?!
00:14:10,154 --> 00:14:12,654 Конкурс талантов уже идёт вовсю! Срочно в к-к-койку!
00:14:12,954 --> 00:14:13,954 Ты чё, б..., тут делаешь?
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,254 Ужинаешь? Ты щас должна на меня пахать!
00:14:16,254 --> 00:14:18,854 Это клиент меня сюда привёл, понял, сволочь?
00:14:18,954 --> 00:14:21,954 Клиент? За дурака меня держишь? Какой клиент потащит тебя в ресторан?
00:14:22,054 --> 00:14:24,254 Этот СУТЕНЁР хочет увести тебя у меня из-под носа!
00:14:24,554 --> 00:14:25,654 Это МОЯ шлюха!
00:14:25,854 --> 00:14:27,354 Позвольте не согласиться с вами, сэр.
00:14:27,454 --> 00:14:29,754 Я за неё заплатил и пригласил её поужинать. Это <i>моя</i> шлюха!
00:14:29,954 --> 00:14:30,954 О, Боже...
00:14:31,254 --> 00:14:32,554 У тя чё, сука, проблемы?
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,354 Да, есть проблема, в самом деле!
00:14:34,354 --> 00:14:37,154 Я все свои деньги истратил на эту шлюху, и это моя единственная возможность перепихнуться,
00:14:37,154 --> 00:14:39,154 а конкурс талантов через пару часов уже закончится!
00:14:39,354 --> 00:14:40,654 А ну быстро пошла со мной!
00:14:41,154 --> 00:14:43,154 А! Отпусти волосы, сукин ты сын!
00:14:43,154 --> 00:14:44,454 Сэр, сэр, это <i>моя</i> шлюха!
00:14:44,554 --> 00:14:46,054 Я те щас жопу-то надеру, б...!
00:14:46,254 --> 00:14:47,454 Сэр!... Сэр!...
00:15:01,954 --> 00:15:03,854 С-сукин с-сын !
00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:05,854 Такси!
00:15:07,454 --> 00:15:08,854 За вон теми сутенёром и шлюхой!
00:15:12,354 --> 00:15:13,454 Ты куда меня везёшь?
00:15:13,654 --> 00:15:14,954 Я тя щас замочу, б...!
00:15:14,954 --> 00:15:17,254 Нет! Прошу тебя, Баблоруб! Прости меня!
00:15:17,354 --> 00:15:18,754 Да ты, б..., уже труп!
00:15:20,054 --> 00:15:24,454 Сэр, я заплатил за эту даму, и, забрав её, вы становитесь ничем не лучше простого в-воришки!
00:15:24,754 --> 00:15:25,754 Иди на х..., обсос!
00:15:31,254 --> 00:15:33,254 Яйцезаглотка, хватайся за костыль!
00:15:37,154 --> 00:15:39,154 А ну-ка назад, б...!
00:15:39,654 --> 00:15:41,254 Держу тебя, Яйцезаглотка!
00:15:45,854 --> 00:15:47,854 <i>Нет, нет, глупые люди,</i>
00:15:48,054 --> 00:15:50,854 <i>В вашем конкурсе дурацком мы участвовать не будем</i>
00:15:51,054 --> 00:15:52,954 <i>О нет, нет, глупые люди,</i>
00:15:53,254 --> 00:15:56,254 <i>В вашем конкурсе педрильном мы участвовать не будем</i>
00:15:57,754 --> 00:16:01,754 Это были юные готы с песней «Конкурсы талантов – сплошная педерастия».
00:16:02,054 --> 00:16:05,454 - Это было убойно. Мы им показали... - Да уж. Надеюсь, мы победим.
00:16:09,054 --> 00:16:09,954 Давай, шлюха!
00:16:14,554 --> 00:16:15,554 Берегись!
00:16:22,654 --> 00:16:23,454 Нет!
00:16:31,654 --> 00:16:32,654 Держитесь за ними!
00:16:32,754 --> 00:16:34,654 Я не сдамся!
00:16:42,006 --> 00:16:45,006 Замечательно, Кларк и Лаура, замечательно.
00:16:45,406 --> 00:16:49,406 Следующим идёт Баттерс, он исполнит песню.
00:16:49,806 --> 00:16:51,106 Вот и наш сын!
00:16:56,106 --> 00:16:58,006 <i>Лу-лу-лу, у меня есть пара...</i>
00:16:59,306 --> 00:17:00,906 ...пара...
00:17:01,906 --> 00:17:04,506 ...пара... этих...
00:17:05,506 --> 00:17:07,306 О, нет!
00:17:07,606 --> 00:17:09,706 Нет, нет, нееет!
00:17:09,906 --> 00:17:12,906 Спасибо, Баттерс, замечательно. Краткость – сестра таланта.
00:17:15,806 --> 00:17:18,306 Чёрт возьми, этот сутенёришка всё никак не отцепится!
00:17:18,806 --> 00:17:20,206 Сближайтесь!
00:17:26,406 --> 00:17:27,906 Сколько с меня?
00:17:28,206 --> 00:17:30,806 6 долларов 24 цента.
00:17:32,506 --> 00:17:34,306 Д-дайте два сдачи!
00:17:34,506 --> 00:17:35,706 О, большое спасибо!
00:17:36,406 --> 00:17:37,906 Ну ладно, всего доброго!
00:17:38,206 --> 00:17:38,906 Спасибо.
00:17:48,406 --> 00:17:49,906 Ты мне за это заплатишь, сука!
00:17:50,306 --> 00:17:52,306 Нет! Спасиииите!
00:17:57,506 --> 00:17:59,506 Спокойно, Яйцезаглотка, я уже на подходе!
00:18:02,806 --> 00:18:04,606 Боже, только не сейчас!
00:18:04,906 --> 00:18:06,506 Господи, неловко-то как...
00:18:07,706 --> 00:18:10,006 А теперь перед вами Эрик Картман,
00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:13,506 который прочитает монолог из фильма «Лицо со шрамом».
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:21,806 Знаете, кто вы такие? Вы все кучка ё...ных хУ...вых тараканов!
00:18:21,906 --> 00:18:23,306 Вам нужны такие люди, как я!
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:26,406 Вам нужны такие, как я, чтобы показывать на нас своим ё...ным пальцем
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,006 и говорить: «Вот плохой парень»!
00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:29,806 Ну, пожелайте доброй ночи плохому парню!
00:18:30,206 --> 00:18:32,006 Вот он, мой сынулька!
00:18:33,006 --> 00:18:35,306 Прошу тебя, Баблоруб! Не надо!
00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:37,106 Я говорил тебе, чтоб не смела меня наё...вать, б...!
00:18:37,706 --> 00:18:39,306 Эй, п-п-придурок!
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:43,206 Извини, что назвал тебя так,
00:18:43,506 --> 00:18:44,806 просто я сейчас очень зол!
00:18:44,806 --> 00:18:48,506 Ну и что ты собрался делать? Да я на метр тебя выше и у меня ПУШКА!
00:18:48,506 --> 00:18:49,506 А у тебя-то что есть?
00:18:49,706 --> 00:18:51,906 У меня? У меня есть оружие юмора!
00:18:52,206 --> 00:18:54,706 Как известно, китайцы и японцы последнее время не ладят друг с другом.
00:18:54,806 --> 00:18:56,206 Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?
00:18:56,606 --> 00:18:57,506 Чего?!
00:18:57,706 --> 00:19:00,706 А я вот что скажу: уже многие годы мой желудок невладах с их национальной едой.
00:19:03,006 --> 00:19:03,806 О, неплохо!
00:19:04,306 --> 00:19:06,306 Марта Стюарт вышла из тюрьмы. Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?
00:19:08,406 --> 00:19:10,206 Ну да, точно, слыхал!
00:19:10,206 --> 00:19:12,606 Вероятно, она научилась печь пироги с ключами в начинке.
00:19:15,506 --> 00:19:17,606 Вот тебе, сукин сын!
00:19:17,806 --> 00:19:19,406 Молодчина, какая взаимовыручка!
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:21,706 Никак не могу поверить, что ты всю дорогу гнался за нами.
00:19:21,906 --> 00:19:24,206 Видать, ты правда заботился обо мне?
00:19:24,306 --> 00:19:26,406 Не совсем. Ты всего лишь шлюха, а мне надо перепихнуться.
00:19:26,506 --> 00:19:28,006 Конкурс талантов может закончиться с минуты на минуту!
00:19:28,106 --> 00:19:29,406 Мне и этого времени хватит!
00:19:30,306 --> 00:19:31,706 Тащи меня в койку!
00:20:05,806 --> 00:20:09,306 <i>У меня подруга – янки,</i>
00:20:09,406 --> 00:20:13,306 <i>Она моя Янки-девчонка.</i>
00:20:13,406 --> 00:20:17,206 <i>Янки в Лондон приезжал,</i> <i>Чтоб на пони покататься,</i>
00:20:17,306 --> 00:20:19,206 <i>Я – юный янки</i>
00:20:19,306 --> 00:20:21,206 <i>Я – юный янки</i>
00:20:21,306 --> 00:20:24,306 <i>Я – юный Янки-бой!</i>
00:20:29,306 --> 00:20:31,806 Хорошо, замечательно, Айк, спасибо!
00:20:32,206 --> 00:20:35,806 Что ж, дети, похоже, что участников больше не будет,
00:20:36,106 --> 00:20:38,306 а это значит: конкурс талантов завершён!
00:20:40,306 --> 00:20:41,406 Мистер Мэки, уже всё!
00:20:43,306 --> 00:20:45,506 А теперь посмотрим на оценки, выставленные членами жюри,
00:20:45,606 --> 00:20:47,806 и выясним, чей номер вызвал у них наименьшее отвращение.
00:20:47,806 --> 00:20:49,306 Эй, подождите!
00:21:00,306 --> 00:21:03,106 Миссис Гаррисон, если вы не против, я возьму микрофон?
00:21:03,306 --> 00:21:06,906 Ладно, давайте все поприветствуем Джимми Волмера!
00:21:09,806 --> 00:21:11,106 О, вы замечательная публика!
00:21:11,206 --> 00:21:13,706 Как известно, прошло уже два года со дня падения Багдада.
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,006 Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?
00:21:15,106 --> 00:21:18,706 Как и предсказывал Б-буш, Багдад пал, Ирак пал, Саддам пал.
00:21:19,006 --> 00:21:21,206 Единственное, что не упало – это цены на топливо.
00:21:22,906 --> 00:21:24,906 Я прочитал в газете, что китайцы предъявляют обвинения Японии.
00:21:25,106 --> 00:21:26,306 Вы видали это? Вы слыхали об этом?
00:21:26,406 --> 00:21:27,906 Думаю, что в Китае вам не придётся...
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:32,806 Это чего за надувательство?!

00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,388 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,056 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,641 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,853 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:18,978 --> 00:00:20,563 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,440 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,443 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:28,946 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:33,284 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,164 M'kay, kids, as your counselor,
00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:41,459 I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects
00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:44,503 like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay.
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:47,506 So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,425 any difficult questions you had
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,677 and put them in this box, anonymously,
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,181 so we could discuss those questions in class, m'kay.
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,142 I got a lot of responses, so let's read some aloud.
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,563 "Mr. Mackey is gay."
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,026 M'kay, kids, that is not funny, m'kay.
00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:10,196 This box is supposed to be used for serious questions about --
00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,281 about serious issues, m'kay.
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,158 Let's stop the tomfoolery.
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:16,452 M'kay, let's look at a real one here.
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,288 "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay."
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:22,666 All right, all right. That's enough, kids.
00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:24,668 Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay.
00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:26,420 Here we go, m'kay.
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,590 "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me.
00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:31,050 And you are gay."
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,929 Damn it, is there not one serious question in here?
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,514 "Mr. Mackey is gay."
00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:37,848 "Mr. Mackey is gay."
00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:39,934 M'kay, here.
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,228 "I am a boy at South Park Elementary.
00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,772 Sometimes when I am sitting in class,
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:47,608 my penis becomes hard for no reason.
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,193 What should I do?"
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:57,868 All right, k-- All right, kids! That's enough!
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,374 If you all can't be serious about the question box,
00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:07,128 then we'll just do drug- identification exercises, m'kay.
00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,420 Aww!
00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,214 M'kay, Jimmy, why don't you come up here
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,049 and write down the name of two narcotics?
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,426 Uh, no. T-That's okay, Mr. Mackey.
00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,512 Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,056 Uh, just, uh, not right this second, Mr. Mackey.
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,432 Well, why the hell not?!
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,560 Uh...
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:29,567 It's what?
00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,026 Oh, you do?
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:34,071 R-Right now? Right now it is?
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:37,324 M'kay. M'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy.
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,035 M'kay, uh, let's pick someone else.
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,579 Uh, Eric, why don't you come up here?
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,831 Hey, that's bullcrap! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,709 Well, because Jimmy's pitching a tent right now.
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,336 He's what?
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,799 - Whoa! - Wow!
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,344 A $100 gift certificate to South Park Mall?
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,804 Maybe we should do the talent show.
00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,972 What's the point?
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,932 Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy.
00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:03,475 - Hey, fellas. - Did you see, Jimmy?
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,561 They're giving away a $100 first prize for the talent show.
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,562 Oh, I sure have.
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,190 I've been working on my r-routine all year long.
00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:10,482 I don't know how you do it, dude.
00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:12,193 How do you get up in front of that many people?
00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:14,111 Well, fellas, entertainment is my life.
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,529 I love being in front of everyone.
00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:20,075 - Aah! - What's the matter?
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,203 G-Got to go! See you, fellas!
00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:25,456 E-excuse me! E-Exc-- Excuse me!
00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:26,999 Excuse me, p-please!
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,588 It's occupied.
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,174 No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.
00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:43,349 Hey, Jimmy!
00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:51,565 Boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show?
00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:54,568 You must be excited. You'll probably win like always.
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,737 Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited.
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,614 <i>Real</i> excited, for some reason.
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,325 Oh, Jesus. What's wrong with me?
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,912 Hey! Who's dropping bombs in there?!
00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:06,455 How about a courtesy flush?
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,290 Up yours, Butters.
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,672 Hey, Jimmy. How was school?
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:15,798 Fine, Mom.
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:16,924 Jimmy, we understand
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,510 you're getting erections in the classroom.
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,595 What? W-Who told you that?
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,597 Mr. Mackey, your counselor.
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:26,058 Aw, J-J-Jesus!
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,811 Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895 But we know it's something
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,231 you might have a hard time talking about.
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:34,441 Get it? A hard time.
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,902 So we took your counselor's advice
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,780 and called Dr. Pal to help us all talk about this.
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,323 D-Dr. Pal?
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,533 Hey, Jimmy, I'm Dr. Pal!
00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,201 That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal.
00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,036 - Are we cool? - Uh, sure?
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,288 Lot of times parents call me in
00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:48,956 because I can relate to younger kids.
00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,749 I'm down. I'm dope. You dig?
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,168 I understand you have some concerns about erections.
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,004 Oop! Can't say "erection" in front of the parents.
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,797 Oh, God. It feels so weird, huh?
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,173 Well, a little, yes.
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,301 Jimmy, there is nothing weird about random erections.
00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,760 Almost every boy goes through a phase
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,096 where his penis becomes hard for no particular reason.
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,389 It's just part of growing up.
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,224 Growing up? Growing <i>out</i> is more like it.
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,559 Oh!
00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:09,810 But I have to make it stop.
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,061 The talent show is this F-Friday.
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,355 Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skedaddle for a tick
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,399 and let us hipsters talk in privo?
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,901 All right. Come on, honey.
00:05:18,027 --> 00:05:19,069 Jimmy, as you get older,
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:21,030 your body goes through a lot of changes.
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,531 Certain hormones start to release
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,908 as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken.
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:28,078 And so if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss.
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,998 C-Come again?
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,124 Oh! Hey! Nothing! You see? See?
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,334 That sent you off on a different tangent,
00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,585 got you thinking a different way.
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,211 That's what Dr. Pal is here to do --
00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:38,756 unless you think we <i>should</i> take off our shirts and kiss.
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,716 N-No, I do not want to take off our shirts and kiss.
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:41,925 Then to hell with you, kid.
00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,261 You can just deal with your problems on your own.
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,145 Next up for the talent show, put your hands together
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:56,690 for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer!
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,569 Wow. What -- What a great audience.
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,613 So, apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail.
00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,531 Have you heard about this? Have you seen this?
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,367 She's very excited to get started on her new show --
00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:09,912 "Martha Stewart Living With an Electronic Ankle Bracelet."
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,917 So, it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new pope.
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,627 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,008 Uh, apparently they're going to call him New Pope
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,135 and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic.
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:28,389 Uh, so it -- so it looks like Michael Jackson
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,973 was having back problems in court.
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:33,060 You -- Uh, you know what they say about b-b-back problems.
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,066 Uh -- Uh, gee, what a -- what a terrific audience.
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,692 W-What a fantastic audience.
00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:43,237 Don't worry, Jimmy, we're not laughing with you.
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,780 We're laughing <i>at</i> you.
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:56,959 ♪ Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples ♪
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,002 ♪ Loo, loo, loo, you've got some, too ♪
00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:01,088 ♪ Loo, loo, loo, let's get together ♪
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,132 - ♪ I know what we can do, loo ♪ - Butters.
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,800 Oh. Oh, hey, Jimmy.
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,052 I'm just practicing for the talent show.
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,887 Butters, I really need to talk to somebody,
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,348 and I think you're the only person who won't make fun of me.
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,268 Oh, gosh. I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem.
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,437 Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,564 when your penis gets hard?
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,774 Well, sure I do.
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:21,942 Really?
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,571 Yes. Sit down, Jimmy. We should have a little talk.
00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,990 You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard,
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:31,910 the man puts it into a lady, into her vagina.
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,581 Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy,
00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,291 and after it's all done sneezing milk,
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,042 the penis stops being hard
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:41,670 and the man loses interest in the lady.
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,798 So when your penis becomes hard,
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,050 you're supposed to put it in a lady's vagina,
00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,677 and then it stops being hard?
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:49,845 That's right, Jimmy.
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,847 But where am I gonna find a lady to stick my penis in?
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,057 The talent show is this Friday.
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,187 Talk to you, Bertha.
00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,230 Okay. See you later, Jessie.
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,107 Hey, Bertha.
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,526 Oh. Hey, Jimmy. What's going on?
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,903 Well, Bertha, I was wondering
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:08,697 if I could stick my penis in your vagina.
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,032 What?! No way!
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,950 But the talent show is tomorrow.
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,744 Jerk!
00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,787 Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man?
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,331 I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like?
00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,582 You don't just go up to a girl
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,751 and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina.
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,002 You have to ask her on a date,
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,378 take her out for some Italian food.
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,214 Wow. Seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric.
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,758 - Have you gotten laid before? - Sure, lots of times.
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,635 I've been laid like 5,000 times.
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,011 Well, w-what do I do?
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,804 I told you -- a date and then Italian food.
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,473 Then you got to make her think you're a good listener.
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:35,807 Eric, I can't tell you why,
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,352 but it's very important that I score tonight.
00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,686 Can you come on the date and help me?
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,313 You're like a white Hitch.
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,524 Sure. They do this all the time in movies and TV shows.
00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,234 You go on the date and wear an earpiece,
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,401 and I'll be nearby,
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,529 secretly be telling you all the right things to say.
00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,531 Wow. Thanks, Eric.
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,410 Shauna, honey, I think your little date is here.
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:57,079 Okay, Mom!
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,499 Hey, Shauna.
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,500 Hi, Jimmy.
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,169 Okay, Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks.
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:06,213 Wow, Shauna. You look f-fantastic.
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,257 Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,925 We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant --
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,302 Buca di Faggocini.
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,598 Welcome to Buca di Faggocini
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,268 for the authentico experience Italiano.
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,644 My name is Roma.
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,522 Can I start you out with some Lotsa Pasta Macaroni Minis?
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:24,731 Uh, I think we're gonna try
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,567 your authentic Pizzarelli Calzona Poppers.
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,151 Right away.
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,696 You know that girl Sally Brahmen at our school?
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,198 - I can't stand her. - Jimmy. Jimmy!
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,993 Jimmy, even though what she's saying isn't interesting at all,
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,035 you say, "Wow.
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,204 That is very interesting. Please tell me more."
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,873 Wow. That is very interesting. Please tell me more.
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:42,874 Really?
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,835 Well, Kelly bought the same purse, and I was like,
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,712 "No way do I want it now," because who wants a purse
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,589 that both their best friends have, right, and so...
00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:50,632 Now, when she stops yapping again, say, "Wow.
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,051 I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right."
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,387 I guess that's why I figured, who needs friends like that?
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,180 Wow. I've never thought of it that way before,
00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:58,265 but you're right.
00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,266 It's like I told Debbie,
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:00,851 if you're gonna go out with my friend...
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,519 Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again,
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,229 I want you to repeat whatever she said
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,024 and then follow it with, "Wow. How insightful."
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,693 And if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend!
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,778 "If you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend."
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,113 Wow. How insightful.
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,699 You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:16,617 Really?
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:20,203 Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do.
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:21,788 Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shauna,
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,291 because I really want to stick my penis in your vagina.
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,751 Yes. Nice, Jimmy. Very nice.
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,420 What?! I'm not doing that!
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,589 But the talent show is tomorrow night.
00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:31,506 Creep!
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:32,716 Ugh!
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,343 Aah!
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,225 Welcome, students and parents,
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:45,520 to the annual South Park Elementary talent show.
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:50,359 We have a lot of little talented performers to get through,
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,904 so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over.
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,867 First up, we have Billy Turner from the third grade,
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,287 who will be doing an alto-sax solo.
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,227 Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,353 Oh.
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,356 Hi, Officer B-B-B-B-Barbrady.
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,857 Jimmy, what are you doing out here?
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,651 The talent show is inside.
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,945 I'm not gonna perform in the talent show.
00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,906 Not perform?
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,825 But, Jimmy, you love talent shows.
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,660 Everyone in town knows that.
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:45,330 I just can't risk getting up in front of everyone.
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,415 Why?
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,126 All right! I keep getting an erection for no reason, okay?
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,920 But I can't get any of the girls here to let me do it to 'em.
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,296 Well, of course not, Jimmy.
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,507 Little girls don't want to have sex.
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,426 Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,178 if girls don't want to have it in their v-vaginas?
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,638 It's like a cruel joke.
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,474 Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure.
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:08,353 They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point.
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,147 C-Colfax Point?
00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:13,150 Well, yeah. Those women will have sex with anybody.
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,067 Really?
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,861 M-Maybe I can catch the bus and get down there
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,112 before the talent show ends.
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,655 T-Thanks, Officer Barbrady.
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,824 You're welcome, Jim.
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,327 Wait.
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,913 Colfax Point.
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:30,625 Pimps and hoes and tricks in rows.
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:35,464 Women walk the streets with corns on their feets.
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,884 Broken dreams and no ice creams.
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,261 You lookin' for a date?
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,513 Hello? Hello?
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,724 I need to put my p-penis in a woman's vagina.
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:46,725 Any takers?
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,435 Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name?
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,020 They call me Nutgobbler.
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,773 Well, Nutgobbler, I need to get laid.
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,274 Huh?
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,234 I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit,
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,278 and the talent show has already started.
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,363 You a cop?
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,948 No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,117 - You got money? - Sure do.
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,369 All right. You got a place to go?
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:09,247 Sure. I know the perfect place.
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,916 Welcome to Buca di Faggocini
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,876 for the authentic experienco Italiano.
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,252 My name is Roma, and --
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,254 Oh, it's nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer.
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,255 Hey, can it, jackass.
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,132 I don't want her to know I was just here with a different girl.
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,675 Oh, right. Pardon, signore.
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,637 I'll come back with some Garlic Bread Mediterranean.
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,014 What are we doin', anyway?
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,099 This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily.
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,060 You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Rolls.
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,186 I can't eat too much.
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,480 I've got an infected urinary tract.
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607 I've been pissing blood for a week.
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,359 Oh. Uh, wow. That is very interesting.
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,693 Please tell me more.
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,904 Huh? Well, that's it.
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:44,991 I just piss blood, so I have to stick a tampon up my pee hole.
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,494 Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before,
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,495 but you're right.
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,914 If you're pissing blood, you can shove a tampon up your pee hole.
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,791 You are very insightful. Please tell me more.
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,418 Look, kid, what are you doing? You want to get laid or not?
00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:56,419 Of course I want to get laid.
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,796 That's why I'm taking you to this fancy place
00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,381 and pretending to be interested in what you have to say.
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,549 Kid, I'm a hooker.
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,218 You don't have to take me to dinner or be nice to me.
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,719 What? F-For real?
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,304 You paid me, so you get to do me.
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,348 - It's that simple. - Well, jumpin' Jesus.
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,766 What are we wasting our time here for, then?
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,101 The talent show is happening right now.
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,644 Let's get to r-r-rammin'.
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,479 What you doin', ho?! Having dinner?
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:15,981 You're supposed to be working for me!
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:18,692 It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard!
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:19,901 Trick? I ain't stupid!
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,903 Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner.
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,281 This pimp is trying to steal you away from me.
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,740 This is <i>my</i> ho!
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,117 I beg to differ with you, sir.
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,618 I paid for her and took her out to dinner.
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:29,619 She's <i>my</i> ho.
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,037 Oh, Jesus.
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,414 You got a problem, bitch?
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,082 Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact.
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,375 I've spent all my money on this ho,
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,835 and she's now my only shot at getting laid,
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,920 and the talent show is only a couple hours from being over.
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,422 You're coming home right now!
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,841 Aah! Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch!
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,259 Sir? Sir, that is my ho.
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,927 I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,512 Sir. Sir!
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,724 ♪ Lying beside you ♪
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,101 ♪ Here in the dark ♪
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:57,689 ♪ Feeling your heartbeat and mine ♪
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,399 Oof.
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,070 Son of a b-b-bitch!
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,864 Taxi!
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,825 Follow that p-pimp and ho.
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,831 - Where are you taking me? - I'm gonna kill you, ho!
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,083 No! Please! Q Money, I'm sorry!
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,501 You're already dead, ho!
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,380 Sir, I paid for that lady, and by taking her,
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,257 you are no better than a common thief.
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,468 you, punk.
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,724 Nutgobbler, grab on to my crutch!
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,813 Get your ass back in here, ho!
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:39,856 Aah!
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,024 I got you, Nutgobbler.
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,609 Aah!
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,572 ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,575 ♪ I'm not gonna be in the talent show ♪
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,911 ♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:56,247 ♪ I'll never be in your faggy talent show ♪
00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,041 Okay.
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,628 That was the goth kids with "Talent Shows Are for Fags."
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,713 That was killer. We showed them.
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,091 Yeah. I hope we win.
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,677 Aah!
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:09,678 Come on, ho!
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:14,349 Aah!
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,642 Look out!
00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,268 Huh?
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,103 Huh?
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,188 Aah!
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,484 No!
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:34,494 Stay on him! I'm not giving up!
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,167 Ta-da!
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:43,586 Okay. Very nice, Clark and Laura.
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:44,838 Very nice.
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:48,967 Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song.
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,219 There's our boy.
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,018 ♪ Loo, loo, loo, I've got some -- ♪
00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,228 ♪ Some, uh -- ♪
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:04,524 ♪ Some, uh -- Some, uh -- uh... ♪
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,401 Oh, no!
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,404 No, no, no! No!
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,824 Okay. Thank you, Butters. Very nice. Short and sweet.
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,204 God damn! This pimp just don't give up!
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,622 Get next to him.
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,547 How much do I owe you?
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,550 $6.24.
00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,887 C-Can I just get $2 back, please?
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,722 Oh. Thank you very much.
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,515 There you go. Have a good 'un.
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,475 Thank you.
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,232 Aah!
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,736 You're gonna pay for this, bitch!
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,613 No! Help!
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,825 Aah!
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,953 Don't worry, Nutgobbler. I'm coming.
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,417 Oh, Jesus. Not now.
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,045 Oh, boy. This is embarrassing.
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:10,215 And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,593 select readings from the movie "Scarface."
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,224 You know what you are?
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,434 You're all a bunch of cockroaches.
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,103 You need people like me.
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,855 You need people like me so you can point your fingers
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,482 and say, "That's the bad guy."
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,442 So say good night to the bad guy.
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,903 That's my little boy.
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,697 Please, Q Money! Don't do this!
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,533 I told you never to turn on me, ho!
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,536 Hey, j-j-jackass.
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,914 I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now,
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,374 but I'm very upset.
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917 And what are you gonna do, huh?!
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:48,002 I got four feet on you <i>and</i> a gun.
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,087 What do you have?
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:51,631 What do I have? The weapon of comedy.
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,174 So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,259 aren't getting along lately.
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:55,844 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:57,887 - What? - I'll tell you one thing.
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,932 Their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years.
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,601 That's pretty good.
00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,103 Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this?
00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,814 Have you heard about this?
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691 Oh, yeah. That's right. She is.
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,152 She's apparently gotten good at baking cakes with keys in them.
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,115 Serves you right, you son of a bitch!
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,033 Nice teamwork, Nutgobbler.
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,202 I can't believe you chased me all this way.
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,705 You -- You really care about me.
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,832 Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid.
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,500 The talent show could be over any minute.
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,544 That's good enough for me.
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,462 Take me to bed.
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,676 ♪ Love lifts us up ♪
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,512 ♪ Where we belong ♪
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:44,517 ♪ Where the eagles cry ♪
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,395 ♪ On a mountain high ♪
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,356 ♪ Love lifts us up ♪
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,151 ♪ Where we belong ♪
00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:57,864 ♪ Far from the world below ♪
00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:01,409 ♪ Up where the clear winds blow ♪
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:09,292 ♪ I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,754 ♪ She's my Yankee Doodle gal ♪
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,799 ♪ Yankee Doodle went to London just to buy a pony ♪
00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:18,885 ♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,803 ♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪
00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:23,640 ♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,773 Okay. Very nice, Ike. Thank you.
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:32,774 All right, children.
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,692 It looks like we have no more contestants,
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,820 which means the talent show is over!
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,907 Mr. Mackey, it's over.
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,700 Wha-- Oh, all -- all right.
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,869 Now we will tally up the judges' scores
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,288 and find out which act they hated the least.
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,249 Hold everything.
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,386 Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind,
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:02,887 I'll be taking that microphone.
00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:06,557 Okay. Let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer.
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,395 Wow. What a terrific audience.
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,980 So, apparently it's been exactly two years
00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:13,231 since the fall of Baghdad.
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,607 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,067 Just as B-Bush predicted,
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,111 Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell.
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:20,571 The only thing that didn't fall -- the price of gas.
00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,492 I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan.
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,910 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,245 Yeah. I guess in China you don't get --
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,792 You've got to be kidding me.

00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:12,388 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,056 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,641 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,853 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:18,978 --> 00:00:20,563 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,440 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,443 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:28,946 Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:33,284 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:36,120 [ Bell rings ]
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,164 M'kay, kids, as your counselor,
00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:41,459 I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects
00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:44,503 like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay.
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:47,506 So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,425 any difficult questions you had
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,677 and put them in this box, anonymously,
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,181 so we could discuss those questions in class, m'kay.
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,142 I got a lot of responses, so let's read some aloud.
00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,602 [ Clears throat ]
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,563 "Mr. Mackey is gay."
00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,732 [ Laughter ]
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,026 M'kay, kids, that is not funny, m'kay.
00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:10,196 This box is supposed to be used for serious questions about --
00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,281 about serious issues, m'kay.
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,158 Let's stop the tomfoolery.
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:16,452 M'kay, let's look at a real one here.
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,288 "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay."
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:20,790 [ Laughter ]
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:22,666 All right, all right. That's enough, kids.
00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:24,668 Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay.
00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:26,420 Here we go, m'kay.
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,590 "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me.
00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:31,050 And you are gay."
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:32,718 [ Laughter ]
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,929 Damn it, is there not one serious question in here?
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,514 "Mr. Mackey is gay."
00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:37,848 "Mr. Mackey is gay."
00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:39,934 M'kay, here. [ Clears throat ]
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:42,228 "I am a boy at South Park Elementary.
00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,772 Sometimes when I am sitting in class,
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:47,608 my penis becomes hard for no reason.
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:49,193 What should I do?"
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,948 [ Snorts, laughs ]
00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:56,033 [ Laughter ]
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:57,868 All right, k-- All right, kids! That's enough!
00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,162 [ Bell jingles ]
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,374 If you all can't be serious about the question box,
00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:07,128 then we'll just do drug- identification exercises, m'kay.
00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,420 ALL: Aww!
00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,214 M'kay, Jimmy, why don't you come up here
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,049 and write down the name of two narcotics?
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,426 Uh, no. T-That's okay, Mr. Mackey.
00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,512 Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,056 Uh, just, uh, not right this second, Mr. Mackey.
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,432 Well, why the hell not?!
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,560 Uh...
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:27,940 [ Whispering ]
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:29,567 - It's what? - [ Whispering ]
00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,026 Oh, you do?
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,027 [ Whispering ]
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:34,071 R-Right now? Right now it is?
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:37,324 M'kay. M'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy.
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:40,035 M'kay, uh, let's pick someone else.
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,579 Uh, Eric, why don't you come up here?
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,831 Hey, that's bullcrap! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,709 Well, because Jimmy's pitching a tent right now.
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,336 He's what?
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,799 - Whoa! - Wow!
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,344 A $100 gift certificate to South Park Mall?
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:58,804 Maybe we should do the talent show.
00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,972 What's the point?
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,932 Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy.
00:03:02,057 --> 00:03:03,475 - Hey, fellas. - Did you see, Jimmy?
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:05,561 They're giving away a $100 first prize for the talent show.
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,562 Oh, I sure have.
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,190 I've been working on my r-routine all year long.
00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:10,482 I don't know how you do it, dude.
00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:12,193 How do you get up in front of that many people?
00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:14,111 Well, fellas, entertainment is my life.
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,529 I love being in front of everyone.
00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:18,199 [ Bell jingles, dramatic music plays ]
00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:20,075 - Aah! - What's the matter?
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,203 G-Got to go! See you, fellas!
00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:25,456 E-excuse me! E-Exc-- Excuse me!
00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:26,999 Excuse me, p-please!
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,334 [ Music continues ]
00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,169 [ Breathing heavily ]
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,588 - CRAIG: It's occupied. - [ Grunts ]
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,174 CARTMAN: No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.
00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:43,349 Hey, Jimmy!
00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:48,520 [ Urinating ]
00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:51,565 Boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show?
00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:54,568 You must be excited. You'll probably win like always.
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,737 Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited.
00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:58,614 <i>Real</i> excited, for some reason.
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,325 Oh, Jesus. What's wrong with me?
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,035 [ Plopping ]
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,912 Hey! Who's dropping bombs in there?!
00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:06,455 How about a courtesy flush?
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,290 CARTMAN: Up yours, Butters.
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,836 [ Sighs ]
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,672 Hey, Jimmy. How was school?
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:15,798 Fine, Mom.
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:16,924 Jimmy, we understand
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,510 you're getting erections in the classroom.
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,595 What? W-Who told you that?
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,597 Mr. Mackey, your counselor.
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:26,058 Aw, J-J-Jesus!
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,811 Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895 But we know it's something
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,231 you might have a hard time talking about.
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:34,441 Get it? A hard time.
00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,902 So we took your counselor's advice
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,780 and called Dr. Pal to help us all talk about this.
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,323 D-Dr. Pal?
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,533 Hey, Jimmy, I'm Dr. Pal!
00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,201 That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal.
00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,036 - Are we cool? - Uh, sure?
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,288 Lot of times parents call me in
00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:48,956 because I can relate to younger kids.
00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,749 I'm down. I'm dope. You dig?
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,168 I understand you have some concerns about erections.
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,004 Oop! Can't say "erection" in front of the parents.
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,797 Oh, God. It feels so weird, huh?
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,173 Well, a little, yes.
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,301 Jimmy, there is nothing weird about random erections.
00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,760 Almost every boy goes through a phase
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:04,096 where his penis becomes hard for no particular reason.
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,389 It's just part of growing up.
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,224 Growing up? Growing <i>out</i> is more like it.
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,559 Oh! [ Laughs ]
00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:09,810 But I have to make it stop.
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,061 The talent show is this F-Friday.
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,355 Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skedaddle for a tick
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,399 and let us hipsters talk in privo?
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,901 All right. Come on, honey.
00:05:18,027 --> 00:05:19,069 Jimmy, as you get older,
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:21,030 your body goes through a lot of changes.
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:22,531 Certain hormones start to release
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,908 as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken.
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:28,078 And so if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss.
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,998 C-Come again?
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,124 Oh! Hey! Nothing! You see? See?
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,334 That sent you off on a different tangent,
00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,585 got you thinking a different way.
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,211 That's what Dr. Pal is here to do --
00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:38,756 unless you think we <i>should</i> take off our shirts and kiss.
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,716 N-No, I do not want to take off our shirts and kiss.
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:41,925 Then to hell with you, kid.
00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,261 You can just deal with your problems on your own.
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,846 [ Door opens, closes ]
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,809 [ Harp plays ]
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,145 MAN: Next up for the talent show, put your hands together
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:56,690 for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer!
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,525 [ Up-tempo music plays ]
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,569 Wow. What -- What a great audience.
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,613 So, apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail.
00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,531 Have you heard about this? Have you seen this?
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,367 She's very excited to get started on her new show --
00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:09,912 "Martha Stewart Living With an Electronic Ankle Bracelet."
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,039 [ Laughter ]
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,917 So, it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new pope.
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,627 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,338 [ Bell jingles, dramatic music plays ]
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,008 Uh, apparently they're going to call him New Pope
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,135 and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic.
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,470 [ Light applause ]
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:28,389 Uh, so it -- so it looks like Michael Jackson
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,973 was having back problems in court.
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:33,060 You -- Uh, you know what they say about b-b-back problems.
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,104 [ Screams ]
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,855 [ Indistinct shouting, laughter ]
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,066 Uh -- Uh, gee, what a -- what a terrific audience.
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,692 W-What a fantastic audience.
00:06:40,818 --> 00:06:43,237 Don't worry, Jimmy, we're not laughing with you.
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,780 We're laughing <i>at</i> you.
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,281 [ Laughter ]
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,575 [ Harp plays ]
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,787 [ Gasps, screams ]
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,832 - [ Grunts ] - [ Up-tempo music plays ]
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:56,959 BUTTERS: ♪ Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples ♪
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,002 ♪ Loo, loo, loo, you've got some, too ♪
00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:01,088 ♪ Loo, loo, loo, let's get together ♪
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,132 - ♪ I know what we can do, loo ♪ - Butters.
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,800 Oh. Oh, hey, Jimmy.
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,052 I'm just practicing for the talent show.
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,887 Butters, I really need to talk to somebody,
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,348 and I think you're the only person who won't make fun of me.
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,268 Oh, gosh. I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem.
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,437 Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,564 when your penis gets hard?
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,774 Well, sure I do.
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:21,942 Really?
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:25,571 Yes. Sit down, Jimmy. We should have a little talk.
00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,990 You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard,
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:31,910 the man puts it into a lady, into her vagina.
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,581 Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy,
00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,291 and after it's all done sneezing milk,
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,042 the penis stops being hard
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:41,670 and the man loses interest in the lady.
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,798 So when your penis becomes hard,
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,050 you're supposed to put it in a lady's vagina,
00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,677 and then it stops being hard?
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:49,845 That's right, Jimmy.
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,847 But where am I gonna find a lady to stick my penis in?
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,057 The talent show is this Friday.
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,187 Talk to you, Bertha.
00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:00,230 Okay. See you later, Jessie.
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,107 Hey, Bertha.
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,526 Oh. Hey, Jimmy. What's going on?
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,903 Well, Bertha, I was wondering
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:08,697 if I could stick my penis in your vagina.
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,032 What?! No way!
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,950 But the talent show is tomorrow.
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,744 - [ Grunts ] - Jerk!
00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,787 Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man?
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,331 I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like?
00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,582 You don't just go up to a girl
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,751 and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina.
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,002 You have to ask her on a date,
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,378 take her out for some Italian food.
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,214 Wow. Seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric.
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,758 - Have you gotten laid before? - Sure, lots of times.
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,635 I've been laid like 5,000 times.
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,011 Well, w-what do I do?
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,804 I told you -- a date and then Italian food.
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,473 Then you got to make her think you're a good listener.
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:35,807 Eric, I can't tell you why,
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,352 but it's very important that I score tonight.
00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,686 Can you come on the date and help me?
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,313 You're like a white Hitch.
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,524 Sure. They do this all the time in movies and TV shows.
00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,234 You go on the date and wear an earpiece,
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,401 and I'll be nearby,
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,529 secretly be telling you all the right things to say.
00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,531 Wow. Thanks, Eric.
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:52,699 [ Doorbell rings ]
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,410 Shauna, honey, I think your little date is here.
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:57,079 Okay, Mom!
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,499 Hey, Shauna.
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:01,500 Hi, Jimmy.
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,169 Okay, Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks.
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:06,213 Wow, Shauna. You look f-fantastic.
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,257 Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,925 We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant --
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,302 Buca di Faggocini.
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,598 Welcome to Buca di Faggocini
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,268 for the authentico experience Italiano.
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:20,644 My name is Roma.
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,522 Can I start you out with some Lotsa Pasta Macaroni Minis?
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:24,731 Uh, I think we're gonna try
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,567 your authentic Pizzarelli Calzona Poppers.
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,151 Right away.
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,696 You know that girl Sally Brahmen at our school?
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,198 - I can't stand her. - CARTMAN: Jimmy. Jimmy!
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,993 Jimmy, even though what she's saying isn't interesting at all,
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,035 you say, "Wow.
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,204 That is very interesting. Please tell me more."
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,873 Wow. That is very interesting. Please tell me more.
00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:42,874 Really?
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,835 Well, Kelly bought the same purse, and I was like,
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,712 "No way do I want it now," because who wants a purse
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,589 that both their best friends have, right, and so...
00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:50,632 Now, when she stops yapping again, say, "Wow.
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,051 I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right."
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:55,387 I guess that's why I figured, who needs friends like that?
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,180 Wow. I've never thought of it that way before,
00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:58,265 but you're right.
00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,266 It's like I told Debbie,
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:00,851 if you're gonna go out with my friend...
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,519 Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again,
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,229 I want you to repeat whatever she said
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,024 and then follow it with, "Wow. How insightful."
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,693 And if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend!
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,778 "If you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend."
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,113 Wow. How insightful.
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,699 You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:16,617 Really?
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:20,203 Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do.
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:21,788 Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shauna,
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,291 because I really want to stick my penis in your vagina.
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,751 Yes. Nice, Jimmy. Very nice.
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,420 What?! I'm not doing that!
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,589 But the talent show is tomorrow night.
00:10:30,714 --> 00:10:31,506 Creep!
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:32,716 - [ Electricity crackling ] - Ugh!
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,343 - [ Feedback ] - Aah!
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,432 [ Indistinct conversations ]
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,225 Welcome, students and parents,
00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:45,520 to the annual South Park Elementary talent show.
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,481 [ Light applause ]
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:50,359 We have a lot of little talented performers to get through,
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,904 so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over.
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,364 [ Talking stops ]
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,867 First up, we have Billy Turner from the third grade,
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,287 who will be doing an alto-sax solo.
00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:06,166 [ Playing "Frère Jacques" off-key ]
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,010 [ Sobbing ]
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,138 [ Music continues in distance ]
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:23,141 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,227 Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,353 [ Sniffs ] Oh.
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,356 Hi, Officer B-B-B-B-Barbrady.
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,857 Jimmy, what are you doing out here?
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,651 The talent show is inside.
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,945 I'm not gonna perform in the talent show.
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:36,530 [ Sniffs, sobs ]
00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,906 Not perform?
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,825 But, Jimmy, you love talent shows.
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,660 Everyone in town knows that.
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:45,330 I just can't risk getting up in front of everyone.
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,415 Why?
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,126 All right! I keep getting an erection for no reason, okay?
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,920 But I can't get any of the girls here to let me do it to 'em.
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,296 Well, of course not, Jimmy.
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,507 Little girls don't want to have sex.
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,426 Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,178 if girls don't want to have it in their v-vaginas?
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,638 It's like a cruel joke.
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,474 Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure.
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:08,353 They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point.
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,147 C-Colfax Point?
00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:13,150 Well, yeah. Those women will have sex with anybody.
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,067 Really?
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,861 M-Maybe I can catch the bus and get down there
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,112 before the talent show ends.
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,655 T-Thanks, Officer Barbrady.
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,824 You're welcome, Jim.
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,327 Wait.
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,913 - [ Horn honks ] - MAN: Colfax Point.
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:30,625 Pimps and hoes and tricks in rows.
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:35,464 Women walk the streets with corns on their feets.
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:38,884 Broken dreams and no ice creams.
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,261 WOMAN: You lookin' for a date?
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,513 Hello? Hello?
00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:45,724 I need to put my p-penis in a woman's vagina.
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:46,725 Any takers?
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,435 Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name?
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,020 They call me Nutgobbler.
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,773 Well, Nutgobbler, I need to get laid.
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,274 Huh?
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,234 I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit,
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,278 and the talent show has already started.
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,363 You a cop?
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,948 No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,117 - You got money? - Sure do.
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,369 All right. You got a place to go?
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:09,247 Sure. I know the perfect place.
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,916 Welcome to Buca di Faggocini
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,876 for the authentic experienco Italiano.
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,252 My name is Roma, and --
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,254 Oh, it's nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer.
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,255 Hey, can it, jackass.
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,132 I don't want her to know I was just here with a different girl.
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,675 Oh, right. Pardon, signore.
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,637 I'll come back with some Garlic Bread Mediterranean.
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:26,014 What are we doin', anyway?
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,099 This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily.
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,060 You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Rolls.
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,186 I can't eat too much.
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,480 I've got an infected urinary tract.
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607 I've been pissing blood for a week.
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,359 Oh. Uh, wow. That is very interesting.
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,693 Please tell me more.
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,904 Huh? Well, that's it.
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:44,991 I just piss blood, so I have to stick a tampon up my pee hole.
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,494 Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before,
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,495 but you're right.
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,914 If you're pissing blood, you can shove a tampon up your pee hole.
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,791 You are very insightful. Please tell me more.
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,418 Look, kid, what are you doing? You want to get laid or not?
00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:56,419 Of course I want to get laid.
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:57,796 That's why I'm taking you to this fancy place
00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,381 and pretending to be interested in what you have to say.
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,549 Kid, I'm a hooker.
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,218 You don't have to take me to dinner or be nice to me.
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,719 What? F-For real?
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,304 You paid me, so you get to do me.
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,348 - It's that simple. - Well, jumpin' Jesus.
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,766 What are we wasting our time here for, then?
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,101 The talent show is happening right now.
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,644 Let's get to r-r-rammin'.
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,479 What you doin', ho?! Having dinner?
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:15,981 You're supposed to be working for me!
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:18,692 It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard!
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:19,901 Trick? I ain't stupid!
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,903 Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner.
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,281 This pimp is trying to steal you away from me.
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:25,740 This is <i>my</i> ho!
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,117 I beg to differ with you, sir.
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,618 I paid for her and took her out to dinner.
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:29,619 She's <i>my</i> ho.
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,037 Oh, Jesus.
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,414 You got a problem, bitch?
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,082 Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact.
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,375 I've spent all my money on this ho,
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,835 and she's now my only shot at getting laid,
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,920 and the talent show is only a couple hours from being over.
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,422 You're coming home right now!
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,841 Aah! Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch!
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:44,259 Sir? Sir, that is my ho.
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,927 I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,512 Sir. Sir!
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,724 [ Off-key ] ♪ Lying beside you ♪
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,101 ♪ Here in the dark ♪
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:57,689 ♪ Feeling your heartbeat and mine ♪
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,399 Oof.
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:01,276 [ Tires squeal ]
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,070 Son of a b-b-bitch!
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,864 Taxi!
00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,825 Follow that p-pimp and ho.
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,535 [ Tires squeal ]
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,120 [ Engine revs ]
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,831 - Where are you taking me? - I'm gonna kill you, ho!
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,083 No! Please! Q Money, I'm sorry!
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,501 You're already dead, ho!
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,380 Sir, I paid for that lady, and by taking her,
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,257 you are no better than a common thief.
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,468 [Bleep] you, punk.
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,011 [ Tires screech ]
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,888 [ Engine revs ]
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,724 Nutgobbler, grab on to my crutch!
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,813 Get your ass back in here, ho!
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:39,856 Aah!
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,024 I got you, Nutgobbler.
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,609 Aah!
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:43,818 [ Engines revving ]
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,737 [ Mid-tempo music playing ]
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,572 ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,575 ♪ I'm not gonna be in the talent show ♪
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,911 ♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:56,247 ♪ I'll never be in your faggy talent show ♪
00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:58,041 - [ Light applause ] - Okay.
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,628 That was the goth kids with "Talent Shows Are for Fags."
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,713 That was killer. We showed them.
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,091 Yeah. I hope we win.
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,677 Aah!
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:09,678 Come on, ho!
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:14,349 Aah!
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,642 Look out!
00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,268 Huh?
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,103 Huh?
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,188 Aah!
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,315 [ Muffled screaming ]
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,484 No!
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:27,487 [ Gunshots, bullets ricocheting ]
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:28,571 [ Grunts ]
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,407 [ Tires squeal ]
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:34,494 [ Grunts ] Stay on him! I'm not giving up!
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,167 - Ta-da! - [Applause ]
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:43,586 Okay. Very nice, Clark and Laura.
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:44,838 Very nice.
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:48,967 Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song.
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,219 There's our boy.
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,557 [ Up-tempo introduction plays ]
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,018 ♪ Loo, loo, loo, I've got some -- ♪
00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,228 ♪ Some, uh -- ♪
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:04,524 ♪ Some, uh -- Some, uh -- uh... ♪
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,401 - [ Music continues ] - Oh, no!
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,404 No, no, no! No!
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,824 Okay. Thank you, Butters. Very nice. Short and sweet.
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,577 [ Dramatic music plays ]
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,204 God damn! This pimp just don't give up!
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,622 Get next to him.
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:21,332 [ Grunts ]
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,668 [ Tires screeching ]
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,547 How much do I owe you?
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,550 $6.24.
00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,887 C-Can I just get $2 back, please?
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,722 Oh. Thank you very much.
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,515 There you go. Have a good 'un.
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,475 Thank you.
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,144 [ Engine revs, tires squeal ]
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,232 Aah!
00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,692 [ Grunts ]
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,736 You're gonna pay for this, bitch!
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,613 No! Help!
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,825 Aah!
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,953 Don't worry, Nutgobbler. I'm coming.
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,872 [ Bell jingles ]
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,417 Oh, Jesus. Not now.
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,045 Oh, boy. This is embarrassing.
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:10,215 And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,593 select readings from the movie "Scarface."
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,224 [ Cuban accent ] You know what you are?
00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,434 You're all a bunch of [bleep] cockroaches.
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,103 You need people like me.
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,855 You need people like me so you can point your [bleep] fingers
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:27,482 and say, "That's the bad guy."
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,442 So say good night to the bad guy.
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,903 That's my little boy.
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,697 Please, Q Money! Don't do this!
00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,533 I told you never to turn on me, ho!
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,536 Hey, j-j-jackass.
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:42,914 I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now,
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,374 but I'm very upset.
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917 And what are you gonna do, huh?!
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:48,002 I got four feet on you <i>and</i> a gun.
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,087 What do you have?
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:51,631 What do I have? The weapon of comedy.
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,174 So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,259 aren't getting along lately.
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:55,844 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:57,887 - What? - I'll tell you one thing.
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,932 Their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years.
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,601 [ Laughs ] That's pretty good.
00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,103 Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this?
00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,814 - Have you heard about this? - [ Laughs ]
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691 Oh, yeah. That's right. She is.
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,152 She's apparently gotten good at baking cakes with keys in them.
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,237 [ Laughing ]
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,196 [ Grunts ]
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,115 Serves you right, you son of a bitch!
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,033 Nice teamwork, Nutgobbler.
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,202 I can't believe you chased me all this way.
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,705 You -- You really care about me.
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,832 Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid.
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,500 The talent show could be over any minute.
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,544 That's good enough for me.
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,462 Take me to bed.
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:34,757 [ Down-tempo introduction plays ]
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,676 ♪ Love lifts us up ♪
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,512 ♪ Where we belong ♪
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:44,517 ♪ Where the eagles cry ♪
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,395 ♪ On a mountain high ♪
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,813 [Applause ]
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,356 ♪ Love lifts us up ♪
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,151 ♪ Where we belong ♪
00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:57,864 ♪ Far from the world below ♪
00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:01,409 ♪ Up where the clear winds blow ♪
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:09,292 ♪ I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:12,754 ♪ She's my Yankee Doodle gal ♪
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,799 ♪ Yankee Doodle went to London just to buy a pony ♪
00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:18,885 ♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,803 ♪ I am that Yankee Doodle ♪
00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:23,640 ♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy ♪
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,392 [ Drumroll, explosion ]
00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:28,686 [ Light applause ]
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,773 Okay. Very nice, Ike. Thank you.
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:32,774 All right, children.
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,692 It looks like we have no more contestants,
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:37,820 which means the talent show is over!
00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,614 [ Cheers and applause ]
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,907 Mr. Mackey, it's over.
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,700 Wha-- Oh, all -- all right.
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,869 Now we will tally up the judges' scores
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,288 and find out which act they hated the least.
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,249 JIMMY: Hold everything.
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:52,919 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,386 Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind,
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:02,887 I'll be taking that microphone.
00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:06,557 Okay. Let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer.
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:09,143 [ Light applause ]
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,395 Wow. What a terrific audience.
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,980 So, apparently it's been exactly two years
00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:13,231 since the fall of Baghdad.
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,607 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,067 Just as B-Bush predicted,
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,111 Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell.
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:20,571 The only thing that didn't fall -- the price of gas.
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,532 [ Laughter ]
00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,492 I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan.
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,910 Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,245 Yeah. I guess in China you don't get --
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,998 [ Bell jingles ]
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,792 You've got to be kidding me.

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