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В погоне за рейтингами
Quest for Ratings
Сезон: 08Серия: 11
Описание
Друзья работают над телепередачей и стараются обогнать передачу Крэйга по популярности. Для этого они решают попробовать декстрометорфан-содержащий сироп от кашля.
Субтитры
- 00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:09,300 Субтитры, перевод: madcappages@yandex. ru
- 00:00:09,335 --> 00:00:16,300 Саут-Парк. Эпизод 811, "Погоня за рейтингом"
- 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:39,300 Это внутренние телевидение начальной школы Саут-Парка.
- 00:00:39,335 --> 00:00:42,265 А теперь – "Супер школьные новости"!
- 00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:46,265 Новости, сделанные школьниками, для школьников.
- 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:48,300 Приветствуем всех зрителей "Супер школьных новостей".
- 00:00:48,335 --> 00:00:49,817 Я - Джимми Волмер.
- 00:00:49,852 --> 00:00:51,265 А я - Рик Картман.
- 00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:54,265 Со следующего понедельника цена молока в школьной столовой будет поднята до 49 центов.
- 00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:58,300 По заявлению представителей школы, это повышение связанно с нехваткой коров в округе Саут-Парк.
- 00:00:58,335 --> 00:01:00,817 Вечем в среду, с 7-ми до 9-ти будут проходит родительские собрания.
- 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:04,076 Так что, дети, постарайтесь наиграться до того как вам запретят гулять!
- 00:01:04,111 --> 00:01:07,300 А сейчас, с информацией о меню школьной столовой на сегодня – Стен Марш.
- 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:10,265 Эрик, похоже, будет подаваться котлета из цыпленка.
- 00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:13,300 Это традиционно белое мясо цыпленка, грудка, если хотите,
- 00:01:13,335 --> 00:01:15,265 которая обсыпается сухарями и обжаривается.
- 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,300 Мне также сообщили, то будет подана картошка и какое-нибудь овощное блюдо.
- 00:01:17,335 --> 00:01:21,300 Похоже, нам стоит ожидать просто фантастического обеда. Эрик?
- 00:01:21,335 --> 00:01:23,265 Большое спасибо за интересную информацию, Стен.
- 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,300 А сейчас мы связываемся с наблюдающим за знаменитостями Баттерсом Стотчем.
- 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,300 Баттерс, видел ли каких-нибудь знаменитостей?
- 00:01:27,335 --> 00:01:29,265 Нет, пока нет.
- 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:34,300 Я стою перед школой уже около двух часов, и я еще не видел никаких знаменитостей.
- 00:01:34,335 --> 00:01:37,300 Около получаса назад мне показалось, что я увидел Сигурни Уивер...
- 00:01:37,335 --> 00:01:39,317 Но оказалось, что это была мертвая лошадь.
- 00:01:39,352 --> 00:01:41,300 Спасибо, Баттерс, продолжай наблюдение.
- 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,265 Обязательно!
- 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,800 В саут-Парке снова ожидается снег?
- 00:01:44,835 --> 00:01:47,265 С прогнозом погоды, Токен Блэк.
- 00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:49,265 Джимми, Эрик, похоже, в направлении Cаут-Парка движется массивная снежная буря.
- 00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:53,300 Я спросил у своего отца вчера вечером, и он сказал, что снежная буря ожидаеся во вторник.
- 00:01:53,335 --> 00:01:54,265 Эрик?
- 00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:56,265 К нам присоединяется Кайл Брофловски с обзором спортивных новостей.
- 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:58,800 И, Кайл, дела у баскетбольной команда девочек все никак не налаживаются?
- 00:01:58,835 --> 00:02:01,265 Коровы Саут Парка потерпели вчера еще одно неприятное поражение, Эрик.
- 00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:05,300 Они вели в счете, пока Келли Андерсон не расплакалась оттого, что скучает по отцу,
- 00:02:05,335 --> 00:02:07,265 улетевшему в командировку в Тайланд.
- 00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:10,300 Келли была так расстроена, что не смогла продолжать игру, и команде не удалось выиграть.
- 00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:13,300 Это уже шестой проигрыш Коров подряд с тех пор как отец Келли уехал в эту командировку.
- 00:02:13,335 --> 00:02:16,817 И на этом "Супер школьные новости" заканчиваются.
- 00:02:16,852 --> 00:02:20,300 Удачного вам учебного дня в начальной школе Cаут-Па
- 00:02:20,335 --> 00:02:21,300 а... аааа...
- 00:02:21,335 --> 00:02:25,265 Парка!
- 00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:26,265 И... снято!
- 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:27,800 Отличные работа, пацаны. Отличная!
- 00:02:27,835 --> 00:02:29,265 Господи, этот выпуск был супер!
- 00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:31,300 Да, я думаю пока это одна из наших лучших передач!
- 00:02:31,335 --> 00:02:34,317 Ребята, я боюсь у меня плохие новости.
- 00:02:34,352 --> 00:02:37,300 Школе придется отменить вашу программу.
- 00:02:37,335 --> 00:02:38,265 Что?!
- 00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:40,265 Господи, почему, мистер Мерил?
- 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:42,800 Ну, школьники вас просто не смотрят.
- 00:02:42,835 --> 00:02:45,300 Всю эту неделю ваш рейтинг был всего 4.
- 00:02:45,335 --> 00:02:47,265 И сколько это школьников?
- 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,300 Четверо. Четверо школьников смотрят ваше шоу.
- 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:53,300 А шоу Крейга получает рейтинг 57!
- 00:02:53,335 --> 00:02:54,265 Шоу Крейга?!
- 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,300 И чем этот урод сейчас занимается?
- 00:02:56,335 --> 00:02:57,265 О, это чудесно!
- 00:02:57,300 --> 00:03:02,300 Это просто съемки животных крупным планом через широкоугольным объектив!
- 00:03:02,335 --> 00:03:07,300 "Крупные планы животных, снятые через широкоугольный объектив"
- 00:03:17,335 --> 00:03:19,265 Но это... говно! Это даже не телевидение!
- 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:23,300 Это то, чего хотят школьники, и это дешевле, чем ваше шоу.
- 00:03:23,335 --> 00:03:26,300 Всего один человек и видеокамера. Крейг - гений.!
- 00:03:26,335 --> 00:03:28,265 Извините, ребятки.
- 00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:30,265 Но мистер Мерил. Мы пытаемся донести до учащихся новости.
- 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:33,300 Им нужно знать факты, и наша журналистская команда предоставляет их.
- 00:03:33,335 --> 00:03:36,317 Детям наплевать на новости, мальчики. Это скучно.
- 00:03:36,352 --> 00:03:39,300 Дети хотят смотреть на животных! Крупным планом!
- 00:03:39,335 --> 00:03:41,265 Через широкоугольный объектив!
- 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,300 Пожалуйста, мистер Мерил. ведь новости – это вся наша жизнь.
- 00:03:43,335 --> 00:03:45,300 Без них у нас ничего нет.
- 00:03:45,335 --> 00:03:46,265 Извините, дети.
- 00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,300 Вы должны гордиться тем, что вы сделали.
- 00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:54,300 Просто это типа как... обсосно.
- 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,265 Сам ты обсосный!
- 00:03:56,300 --> 00:04:01,265 Пиццерия "Свистун Вилли"
- 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:04,300 Господи... Мы ведь хорошо поработали над этим новым шоу.
- 00:04:04,335 --> 00:04:07,300 Очевидно, не имеет значения, хорошо ты работаешь или нет...
- 00:04:07,335 --> 00:04:13,265 Привет ребята, готовы посвистеть?
- 00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:17,300 Иди на х**, Свистун Вили. Мы не в настроении...
- 00:04:17,335 --> 00:04:21,300 Если вы хотите пиццу, вам придется посвистеть!
- 00:04:21,335 --> 00:04:25,965 Давайте!
- 00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,265 Вот, пожалуйста!
- 00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,300 Господи, я бы хотел, что б в Саут-Парке была Пицца Хат.
- 00:04:34,335 --> 00:04:40,265 Эй, смотри, Крейг зашел.
- 00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,265 - Смотри! - Это Крейг! -Это он!
- 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:44,265 Господи! И это из-за какого-то глупого шоу?
- 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:47,300 О, привет пацаны! Слышал, вашу новостную программу отменили.
- 00:04:47,335 --> 00:04:49,265 Иди отсоси, Крейг!
- 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,265 Да, а я вот подписал со школой контракт.
- 00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,300 Они платят мне 6 долларов в неделю за то, чтобы я делал новые шоу.
- 00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:56,300 Для твоей идеи надо было вот столько мозгов.
- 00:04:56,335 --> 00:05:00,265 Это гораздо больше, чем у вас!
- 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,800 Эй, всем по порции лимонада! За мой счет!
- 00:05:03,835 --> 00:05:06,067 Кенни, какого хрена ты делаешь с этим уродом?!
- 00:05:06,102 --> 00:05:08,300 (Крейг просто попросил меня делать с ним шоу)
- 00:05:08,335 --> 00:05:10,265 Ты помогаешь Крейгу делать шоу?
- 00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:11,800 Не могу поверить, что ты нас так предал!
- 00:05:11,835 --> 00:05:14,067 Мы же всегда к тебе так хорошо относились!
- 00:05:14,102 --> 00:05:16,300 Хахахахахаха - мы будем делать новости,
- 00:05:16,335 --> 00:05:17,265 а тебе с нами нельзя,
- 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:20,300 потому что ты бедный, а бедняки не смотрят новости!
- 00:05:20,335 --> 00:05:25,265 Нананананана!
- 00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:27,265 А, ну и хрен с тобой, Кенни!
- 00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:30,300 Эй, ребят! Я принес новую серию "Животных крупным планом через широкоугольный объектив"!
- 00:05:30,335 --> 00:05:32,265 Давайте посмотрим!
- 00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:36,900 Включай, включай скорее!
- 00:05:40,335 --> 00:05:43,265 Клево!
- 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:46,265 Супер клево!
- 00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:47,265 Блин, я просто не понимаю...
- 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:49,300 Вау, эти животные довольно милые!
- 00:05:49,335 --> 00:05:51,265 Токен! Слушайте, пацаны!
- 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,300 Мы слишком сильно старались, чтобы сейчас так просто все бросить из-за Крейга и его тупого контракта со школой!
- 00:05:54,335 --> 00:05:58,317 Вместо того, чтобы жалеть себя, нам просто надо придумать, как сделать наше шоу лучше!
- 00:05:58,352 --> 00:06:02,300 Да если мы сможем повысить рейтинг к концу недели, он позволит нам остаться в эфире!
- 00:06:02,335 --> 00:06:03,300 Ну, чего же мы ждем?
- 00:06:03,335 --> 00:06:09,265 Пошли, пацаны!
- 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:12,300 Так, нам всем надо придумывать идеи для нашего шоу.
- 00:06:12,335 --> 00:06:14,265 Как насчет другого названия?
- 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,300 "Супер школьные новости" звучит скучно.
- 00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:17,300 Лучше будет "Сексуальные новости"!
- 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,265 "Новости-Экшн"
- 00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:20,265 Да, "Сексуальный Экшн", это здорово!
- 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,265 Может проблема в том, что у нас нет интересного материала для репортажей.
- 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,300 Да. Мы должны сами придумывать истории, потому что тогда они будут намного интересней!
- 00:06:25,335 --> 00:06:29,300 Точно! Я могу соврать, что видел знаменитостей,
- 00:06:29,335 --> 00:06:31,300 а потом соврать о том, что они делали.
- 00:06:31,335 --> 00:06:33,300 Блин, Баттерс, запиши это!
- 00:06:33,335 --> 00:06:35,317 Врать... про...
- 00:06:35,352 --> 00:06:37,265 знаменитостей...
- 00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:38,265 Нам надо понравиться всем учащимся,
- 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,300 поэтому нам нужны горячие девчонки для шестиклассников
- 00:06:40,335 --> 00:06:41,300 И панды для дошкольников.
- 00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:42,265 Отлично!
- 00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:45,300 Может нам надо убедить школьников, что если они не будут смотреть наши новости, то умрут.
- 00:06:45,335 --> 00:06:48,300 Да! Мы должны сделать серию репортажей об опасностях жизни.
- 00:06:48,335 --> 00:06:49,265 О господи!
- 00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:52,265 Ребят, а вы уверены, что это этично?
- 00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:55,300 Мы в 4-м классе, Джимми. Мы даже не знаем, что значит слово этично..
- 00:06:55,335 --> 00:06:57,300 Отлично, команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей", за работу.
- 00:06:57,335 --> 00:06:59,265 Пошли делать репортажи!
- 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:05,300 Вперед, команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей"!
- 00:07:05,335 --> 00:07:08,265 Токен, можно тебя на пару слов?
- 00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:12,300 Токен, я знаю, что ребятам сложно с тобой заговорить на эту тему, но...
- 00:07:12,335 --> 00:07:16,300 ну, дело в том, что нам очень нужно изменить весь твой телевизионный образ.
- 00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:17,265 А?
- 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:23,300 Понимаешь, Токен, людям нравиться видеть афро-американцев в новостях.
- 00:07:23,335 --> 00:07:26,265 Видеть Афро-американцев в новостях, но не слышать.
- 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,300 Поэтому все Афро-американцы, ведущие новости учатся говорить более...
- 00:07:29,335 --> 00:07:31,300 как бы сказать...?
- 00:07:31,335 --> 00:07:34,265 По-белому.
- 00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:38,300 Токен, все великие телеведущие-афро-американцы научились прятать свой черный племенной акцент
- 00:07:38,335 --> 00:07:40,265 за более чистым белым диалектом.
- 00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:44,300 В этом нет ничего постыдного, и я думаю, что это действительно поможет нашему рейтингу.
- 00:07:44,335 --> 00:07:48,300 Это внутренние телевидение Начальной школы Саут-парка.
- 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,265 А теперь:
- 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:55,265 "Сексуальные Экшн-новости"!
- 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:58,300 Взорвется ли Саут-Парк из-за утечки метана?
- 00:07:58,335 --> 00:08:00,265 Подробнее об этом чуть позже.
- 00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:05,265 Но вначале Стен Марш расскажет нам о новой форме у Изюминок!
- 00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:09,300 Эрик, их одежда стала еще более открытой, оставляя очень мало простора для воображения.
- 00:08:09,335 --> 00:08:13,300 Если бы я был немного постарше, то, без сомнения, возбудился бы.
- 00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:15,265 А сейчас, с прогнозом погоды, Токен Блэк,
- 00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:18,300 и, Токен, я надеюсь, что в нашу сторону не надвигается никакого торнадо?
- 00:08:18,335 --> 00:08:20,265 Никаких торнадо, Эрик, но, что интересно-
- 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,300 фронт низкого давления принесет обильные метели.
- 00:08:24,335 --> 00:08:28,265 Так что стоит ожидать морозных дней.
- 00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:32,300 Школьный совет округа Саут Парк одобрил выделение дополнительных средств на оборудование компьютерных классов, при...
- 00:08:32,335 --> 00:08:36,300 Подожди чуть-чуть, Джимми! Похоже, что у Кайла есть новости о том, чем некоторые ученики любят заниматся в туалете!
- 00:08:36,335 --> 00:08:41,265 Эрик, по сообщению некоторых источников, Пит Телман писает сидя, как девчонка.
- 00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:43,300 Мы также получили подтверждение информации о том, что Салли Тюрнер подкладывает тряпки в лифчик,
- 00:08:43,335 --> 00:08:47,300 а у Клайда Донована только одно яйцо!
- 00:08:47,335 --> 00:08:49,265 Одно яйцо!
- 00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:52,265 Ну и раздолбай!
- 00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:56,300 О, похоже, время для минутки сумасшествия с пандами!
- 00:08:56,335 --> 00:08:58,817 минутка сумасшествия с пандами
- 00:08:58,852 --> 00:09:01,265 О, да, сумасшествие с пандами!
- 00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:05,300 А теперь, обратимся к репортажу о знаменитостях, с Баттерсом.
- 00:09:05,335 --> 00:09:07,817 Это не новости...
- 00:09:07,852 --> 00:09:10,100 это - травести...
- 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:17,165 Итак, после моего репортажа об антисанитарных условиях в школьном кафетерии,
- 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,165 мы перейдем к репортажу Кайла о том, как Брайан Тивс пытается загулять со Сьзан Фаркл.
- 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,200 Потом надо показать репортаж Токена о том, как глобальное потепление убьет всех в пятом классе.
- 00:09:23,235 --> 00:09:25,200 Офигенная идея, Стен!
- 00:09:25,235 --> 00:09:26,717 Отлично!
- 00:09:26,752 --> 00:09:28,165 Ребята!
- 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,165 Ребята, у меня фантастические новости!
- 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:34,800 Вице-президент, Дик Чейни, был вчера в Денвере, и я взял у него интервью для нашей программы!
- 00:09:37,235 --> 00:09:39,165 Интервью с вице-президентом... хммм...
- 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,165 Честно говоря, Джимми, я не знаю, как это будет к месту
- 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,200 между репортажем о соревнованиях по поеданию пирога между девочками из группы поддержки и рассказом о том, кто в школе носит грязные трусы.
- 00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,217 Но это настоящие новости!
- 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,165 Это скучные новости, Джимми.
- 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,200 Откуда ты знаешь, ты же еще не видел!
- 00:09:50,235 --> 00:09:51,165 Ну хорошо, расскажи мне об этом.
- 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:57,200 Ну, в интервью Дик Чейни говорит мне о том, как...
- 00:09:57,235 --> 00:09:59,200 О... Господи, как спать захотелось!
- 00:09:59,235 --> 00:10:01,200 Извини, о чем мы говорили?
- 00:10:01,235 --> 00:10:02,165 Послушайте, ребят,
- 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,200 я очень недоволен тем, в каком направлении двигается наша передача.
- 00:10:05,235 --> 00:10:07,165 Мы отупляемем школьников!
- 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,200 Нет Джимми, школьники уже тупы. Мы просто даем им то, чего они хотят.
- 00:10:09,235 --> 00:10:11,200 Мы просто делаем новости более интересными для учащихся.
- 00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:13,165 Это не новости!
- 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,165 Это тупая погоня за рейтингом!
- 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:19,200 Да блин, наша журналистская ответственность в том, чтобы доносить до школьников фаа...
- 00:10:19,235 --> 00:10:20,165 факты!
- 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,165 Разве вы не видите, что мы наделали?
- 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:26,200 Пытаясь соперничать с дебильным шоу Крейга, мы устроили из новостей клоунаду!
- 00:10:26,235 --> 00:10:30,200 Я помню, как, когда мы начинали играть в репортеров, мы давали друг другу клятву,
- 00:10:30,235 --> 00:10:34,200 что мы ничему и никогда не позволим угрожать нашей честности!
- 00:10:34,235 --> 00:10:35,165 Так вот – наша честность под угрозой!
- 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,200 А если мы не можем делать правдивые репортажи,
- 00:10:38,235 --> 00:10:42,865 то зачем вообще заниматься новостями?
- 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,200 Дети, прежде всего я хочу сказать, как я потрясен вашей способностью добиваться более высоких рейтингов.
- 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:59,200 Ваше шоу побило "Животных крупным планом через широкоугольный объектив" на трех зрителей!
- 00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:03,165 O, супер!
- 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,165 Я знал, что мы можем!
- 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,165 Мы побили "Животных крупным планом"!
- 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,200 Блин, это так клево. Мы так старались стать первыми-
- 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,165 О, иди сюда!
- 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:14,000 Да, но, к сожалению, вы безнадежно уступили по рейтингу новому шоу Крейга.
- 00:11:17,235 --> 00:11:18,165 Новому шоу Крейга?
- 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,200 Все школьники его любят!
- 00:11:20,235 --> 00:11:22,165 Это невероятная идея
- 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,200 под названием "Cнятые крупным планом через широкоугольный объектив животные...
- 00:11:25,235 --> 00:11:27,017 в шляпах"!
- 00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:31,965 Посмотрите!
- 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:42,200 Этот Крейг, блин, гений!
- 00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,165 Он просто... генератор идей!
- 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,200 Это что, значит, что нас все еще должны отменить?
- 00:11:48,235 --> 00:11:51,165 Я боюсь все несколько хуже, дети.
- 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,200 Мне придется поставить вам двойки по ТВ факультативу.
- 00:11:55,235 --> 00:11:59,200 Вам надо понять, насколько важны рейтинги.
- 00:11:59,235 --> 00:12:01,200 Эй, но мы старались изо всех сил!
- 00:12:01,235 --> 00:12:02,165 Да.
- 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:07,200 И мне кажется, всех ваших сил оказалось недостаточно.
- 00:12:07,235 --> 00:12:08,165 Я не могу поверить!
- 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,165 Я не могу получить неуд по этому факультативу!
- 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,200 Мне нужно его сдать, чтобы не остаться на второй год!
- 00:12:12,235 --> 00:12:15,165 Тупой парик для новостей!
- 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,165 Ребята. Вы что не видите? Это доказывает мою мысль.
- 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,165 Нам надо поднимать планку для наших идей, а не опускать ее.
- 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:25,165 Да, Джимми прав. Я уверен, что мы можем придумать гораздо лучшие идеи, чем Крейг!
- 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:30,200 Да, все что нам нужно чтобы спасти наше шоу - это придумать самую лучшую идею для выпуска!
- 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,200 А что если мы сделаем шоу, в котором мы идем в-
- 00:12:41,235 --> 00:12:43,165 Нет...
- 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,165 Как насчет того, что мы... Хмм...
- 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,165 Эй, что ни у кого нет никаких идей для шоу?
- 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,200 А как насчет того, чтобы привести панд, которые бы с нами танцевали?
- 00:12:53,235 --> 00:12:57,165 Мы уже делали это!
- 00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,165 Вау, придумывать идеи - это сложно...
- 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:03,900 Слушайте, пацаны, если Крейг может это делать, то и мы сможем! Давайте!
- 00:13:07,235 --> 00:13:13,200 Как насчет того, чтобы сделать шоу, где мы...
- 00:13:13,235 --> 00:13:15,165 Что если?
- 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,200 Подождите, я придумал!
- 00:13:17,235 --> 00:13:18,217 Крабовый народ!
- 00:13:18,252 --> 00:13:19,165 Крабовый народ?
- 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:24,165 Это полукрабы-полулюди, и они живут под землей.
- 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,200 Чувак, мне кажется, мы можем придумать что-нибудь получше крабового народа.
- 00:13:26,235 --> 00:13:28,717 Эй, я знаю! Нам нужно почитать комиксы!
- 00:13:28,752 --> 00:13:31,165 Я всегда нахожу в комиксах хорошие идеи!
- 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,200 Баттерс, комиксы читают только обсосные дебилы!
- 00:13:34,235 --> 00:13:36,200 Да! Я все время их читаю!
- 00:13:36,235 --> 00:13:37,165 Вот например:
- 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,200 улитка споткнулась о барьер, и другая улитка говорит:
- 00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:46,165 "Да, это добавит к ее времени еще час".
- 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:50,600 Как насчет того, чтобы сделать шоу, в котором мы убиваем Баттерса?
- 00:13:56,200 --> 00:14:00,600 И Дагвуд говорит: "Хорошо, что мы играем в гольф у тебя дома"!
- 00:14:03,235 --> 00:14:04,165 Мы в безнадежном положении,
- 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,200 у нас нет абсолютно никаких идей!
- 00:14:06,235 --> 00:14:07,200 У нас есть крабовый народ...
- 00:14:07,235 --> 00:14:08,165 это так, к слову...
- 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,165 Подождите! Знаете, что нам надо сделать?
- 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,200 Нам всем надо принять побольше таблеток от кашля!
- 00:14:12,235 --> 00:14:13,165 Таблеток от кашля?
- 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,165 Так делают шестиклассники за школой на перемене.
- 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:19,500 Они принимают слишком много таблеток от кашля, потому что от этого у них в головах появляются всякие видения!
- 00:14:22,235 --> 00:14:26,165 Господи, да их тут так много!
- 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,200 Как мы узнаем, какие надо использовать?
- 00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:31,165 Как насчет этих? "Калминекс"?
- 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,200 Внимание: при превышении рекомендованной дозировки может вызвать серьезные побочные эффекты.
- 00:14:35,235 --> 00:14:36,200 Звучит отлично!
- 00:14:36,235 --> 00:14:38,165 Ура!
- 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,165 Могу я вам помочь, детки?
- 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:44,200 Да, нам нужно вдохновение для новых идей, поэтому мы собираемся выпить много таблеток от кашля.
- 00:14:44,235 --> 00:14:48,200 Нет, мальчики, вам это не поможет найти новые идеи!
- 00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,165 - Не поможет? - Нет!
- 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,165 Для этого вам нужен "Калминекс ПМ".
- 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,200 Он содержит дексатримфан, при высоких дозах вызывающий галлюцинации.
- 00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:56,165 О, о’кей!
- 00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:02,200 Если же вам нужен более быстрый и яркий кайф, то я также продаю "Дейтаб" от простуды и гриппа.
- 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,200 Также у меня есть очень сильный "Кортитуссин" от кашля и простуды,
- 00:15:05,235 --> 00:15:09,200 но это, конечно, только если вы хотите конкретно заторчать.
- 00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:10,165 Что вы думаете, ребят?
- 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,200 Я думаю, мы просто возьмем их все.
- 00:15:12,235 --> 00:15:13,165 Вот это настрой!
- 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:17,200 Отлично, ребятки, мне только нужно разрешение от ваших родителей.
- 00:15:17,235 --> 00:15:22,165 Шутка! Я над вами просто прикалываюсь! Проходите к кассе.
- 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,200 О, похоже, не мы одни устраиваем сегодня вечером небольшую вечеринку!
- 00:15:24,235 --> 00:15:26,165 Господи Иисусе!
- 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,165 Мы не устраиваем вечеринку!
- 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:32,200 А конечно, вы это покупаете, потому что вас кашель замучил, да?
- 00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:37,717 Нас тоже.
- 00:15:37,752 --> 00:15:43,165 Иисусе!
- 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:48,200 Отлично, так теперь каждый берет по блокноту и карандашу. И когда начнут приходить идеи, просто записывайте их.
- 00:15:48,235 --> 00:15:50,165 Иначе мы можем что-нибудь забыть.
- 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:55,200 Господи, жду не дождусь, когда я стану умным и креативным!
- 00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:59,165 О, оно такое липкое и густое!
- 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,200 Хм. У меня пока еще нет никаких идей.
- 00:16:02,235 --> 00:16:06,165 Стен?
- 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,165 Эй, Стен, ты в порядке?
- 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,200 Я думаю, может на него подействовало?
- 00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:14,165 Стен, к тебе приходят хорошие идеи?
- 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,000 Ух-ты, Я чувствую себя типа как мяч для боулинга, ребят!
- 00:16:31,235 --> 00:16:35,800 Стен? Стен, пошли. Мы собираемся найти лягушку.
- 00:16:48,235 --> 00:16:50,200 О Стен, я придумал лучшую идею!
- 00:16:50,235 --> 00:16:54,865 Я тоже!
- 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:03,500 Эй! Давайте пробежим голыми по улице!
- 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,165 Чувак, это шоу – просто офигенное!
- 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,200 Да это самое великое шоу всех времен и народов.
- 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:20,200 Я могу его круглыми сутками смотреть.
- 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,165 Клево!
- 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,200 Супер клево!
- 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:46,400 Пацаны! Пацаны, проснитесь!
- 00:17:46,435 --> 00:17:47,917 Баттерс, слезь с меня!
- 00:17:47,952 --> 00:17:49,365 Господи, где моя одежда?
- 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,400 Мы съели кучу лекарств от кашля, чтобы придумать идеи для нашего шоу! Я ничего не придумал.
- 00:17:53,435 --> 00:17:55,400 А, я придумал! Я что-то записал!
- 00:17:55,435 --> 00:17:57,365 Вот!
- 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,365 Изогнутая линия и круг.
- 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:03,400 Я записал текст песенки из Счастливых дней..
- 00:18:03,435 --> 00:18:05,400 Пацаны, мы всю ночь смотрели шоу Крейга.
- 00:18:05,435 --> 00:18:07,365 Да. Это было клево.
- 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,365 Нет, но вы что, не понимаете?
- 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,400 Раньше оно нам не казалось клеевым!
- 00:18:10,435 --> 00:18:11,365 Мне кажется, теперь я понимаю!
- 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,400 Мне кажется, я знаю почему у шоу Крейга такой высокий рейтинг!
- 00:18:14,435 --> 00:18:17,400 Половина школы сидит на таблетках от кашля!
- 00:18:17,435 --> 00:18:19,400 Господи, наверное, ты прав!
- 00:18:19,435 --> 00:18:20,365 Ребята, это наш шанс!
- 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,365 Приведите свои парики в порядок.
- 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:27,400 Пришло время провести самое потрясающее журналистское расследование в нашей карьере!
- 00:18:27,435 --> 00:18:31,400 Это внутренние телевидение Начальной школы Саут-парка.
- 00:18:31,435 --> 00:18:32,365 А теперь:
- 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,900 "Сексуальные Экшн-новости", специальный репортаж:
- 00:18:35,935 --> 00:18:39,365 злоупотребление лекарствами от кашля в школе!
- 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,400 Расследование проведено командой "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей"!
- 00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:46,417 Этот репортаж нельзя пропустить!
- 00:18:46,452 --> 00:18:50,365 А теперь с нами Рик Картман!
- 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,365 Это называется сиропом от кашля, лекарством от кашля, таблетками от простуды и гриппа.
- 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,400 Но за закрытыми дверями начальной школы Саут Парка у этих лекарств есть еще и уличные прозвища:
- 00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:59,400 шлюшка... “вввеселый сок”.... “тттигер ням-ням”....
- 00:18:59,435 --> 00:19:01,365 Здравствуйте, я Рик Картман.
- 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,400 Команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей" покажет вам темный и одинокий мир
- 00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,400 злоупотребления лекарствами от кашля.
- 00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:09,900 Они делают это в коридорах.
- 00:19:09,935 --> 00:19:11,865 За школой.
- 00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,400 Эй, убирайся отсюда, козел *баный!
- 00:19:13,435 --> 00:19:15,400 Даже в женском туалете?
- 00:19:15,435 --> 00:19:17,365 Кто там?
- 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,365 Я на вас донесу!
- 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,400 Мы показали шокирующие кадры директору Виктории.
- 00:19:21,435 --> 00:19:22,365 О, боже мой!
- 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,365 Директор Виктория,
- 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:28,400 вы можете объяснить, почему ваша администрация не заметила эту проблему?
- 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:29,365 Ну... я... мы...
- 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,365 Так где же школьники получают все эти лекарства от кашля?
- 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:37,400 На этих кадрах, снятых в рамках нашего расследования вы видите, как группа детей получает дурь от аптекаря!
- 00:19:37,435 --> 00:19:42,365 Команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей" донесла на аптекаря полиции Саут-парка, и он был незамедлительно арестован.
- 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:47,400 Компании-производители лекарств от кашля заявляют о том, что их продукция не предназначена для того, чтобы дети использовали ее в качестве наркотика.
- 00:19:47,435 --> 00:19:49,400 Но один лишь взгляд на упаковку доказывает обратное.
- 00:19:49,435 --> 00:19:52,365 "Терадил ДМ" - для детей!
- 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,365 "Декса" от кашля, детская формула!
- 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,400 А теперь, с коротким сообщением о наблюдении за знаменитостями, Баттерс Стотч:
- 00:19:58,435 --> 00:20:01,365 Все еще никаких знаменитостей, Эрик. Я буду продолжать наблюдение!
- 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,900 Еще недавно проблема с лекарствами от кашля также остро стояла в начальной школе соседнего Мидл-Парка.
- 00:20:04,935 --> 00:20:06,865 Но там были предприняты меры!
- 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:10,400 Они полностью очистили свой город от лекарств от кашля, и теперь мы видим счастливую школу,
- 00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:15,400 на сто процентов избавленную от лекарств от кашля!
- 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:26,400 Дети, я хочу поздравить вас с возможно самой лучшей работой на школьном телевидении, которую я когда-либо видел.
- 00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:30,400 Вы не только заставили всех школьников и меня самого слезть с лекарств от кашля,
- 00:20:30,435 --> 00:20:32,917 но также получили рейтинг 22!
- 00:20:32,952 --> 00:20:35,365 Двадцать два человека? Отлично!
- 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,365 Вы хотели со мной увидеться, мистер Мерил?
- 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:41,400 О, да, Крейг. Похоже, рейтинг твоего шоу очень сильно упал.
- 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,400 Господи, какое совпадение.
- 00:20:44,435 --> 00:20:46,365 Интересно, почему?
- 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,400 Тебе необходимо понять, насколько важен рейтинг, Крейг
- 00:20:48,435 --> 00:20:51,365 поэтому я собираюсь отстранить тебе от учебы
- 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,400 и попросить о том, чтобы у тебя были хирургическим путем удалены яйца.
- 00:20:54,435 --> 00:20:56,365 Ха-ха! Получил, Крейг?!
- 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,365 Ребята, ваше шоу утверждено еще на 27 новых выпусков.
- 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,400 Я хочу, что бы вы придумали что-нибудь даже получше репортажа о лекарствах от кашля.
- 00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:05,400 За работу!
- 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:13,365 Ни у кого нет никаких идей?
- 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,400 Это отстой. Я не хочу, что бы мне постоянно надо было придумывать новые идеи для шоу
- 00:21:16,435 --> 00:21:19,400 У меня голова от этого болит.
- 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,900 Чуваки, забьем?
- 00:21:22,935 --> 00:21:25,400 Давайте забьем...
- 00:21:25,435 --> 00:21:26,917 Забьем!
- 00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,400 Да! Забьем!
- 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,219 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,387 ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,015 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,061 ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,521 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,480 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,690 ♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪
- 00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,281 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:31,949 ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,038 This is closed circuit television
- 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,373 for South Park Elementary School.
- 00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,751 And now... "Super School News".
- 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:46,130 The news made for students by students.
- 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,299 Welcome to Super School News.
- 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,592 I'm Jimmy Valmer.
- 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,135 And I'm Rick Cartman.
- 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,136 The price of milk money will go up next month
- 00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,638 to forty nine cents.
- 00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:55,639 The school claims the added money is due to
- 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,767 the cow shortage in South Park county.
- 00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,393 Parent-teacher conferences will be held
- 00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,145 this Wednesday night from seven to nine.
- 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,522 So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded.
- 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,774 And now for a look at what's on the menu
- 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,734 for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.
- 00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,486 Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving
- 00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,029 a chicken cutlet.
- 00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:11,864 Now that's traditionally a white meat chicken breast,
- 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,825 if you will, that has been breaded and then cooked.
- 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,243 I've been told there will also be tater tots
- 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,703 and a vegetable dish.
- 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,872 This is really shaping up to be uh, one fantastic lunch.
- 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,665 Eric?
- 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,334 Hard-hitting reporting Stan, thanks a lot.
- 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,251 And now here with the celebrity watch
- 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,503 is Butters Stotch.
- 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,046 Butters, seen any celebrities lately?
- 00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,006 No, not yet.
- 00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,424 I've been standing out in front of the school
- 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,801 for about two hours now
- 00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,511 and I haven't seen any celebrities.
- 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:34,929 About thirty minutes ago,
- 00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,306 I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver...
- 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,558 B-b-ut, uh, turns out it was a dead horse.
- 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,810 Alright, Butters, keep your eyes open.
- 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,852 Will do.
- 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:44,188 More snow for South P-park?
- 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:47,358 Here's Token Black with the weather.
- 00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:48,818 Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm
- 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:49,944 is heading South Park's way.
- 00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,153 I asked my dad last night,
- 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,113 and he said he heard the snowstorm
- 00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:54,782 is expected on Tuesday, guys.
- 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:55,866 Kyle Broflovski now joins us
- 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:56,992 for a look at sports.
- 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,119 And Kyle, the girls' basketball team
- 00:01:58,244 --> 00:01:59,620 just can't get it right.
- 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,705 Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric.
- 00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,040 They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson
- 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,708 started crying because she missed her daddy
- 00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,544 who is on a business trip in Thailand.
- 00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:08,337 Kelly was so upset she couldn't play
- 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,797 and the Cows had to forfeit.
- 00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,674 The Cows are on a six and 0 slide
- 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,843 since Kelly's father left for that business trip.
- 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,427 And that's all for Super School News!
- 00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:21,100 Enjoy your day at South Park E-e-el-
- 00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:22,935 Elementary.
- 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,814 And we're... Cut!
- 00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:28,482 Alright, nice reporting guys, nice.
- 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,900 Boy that was a great episode!
- 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,402 Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.
- 00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:34,405 Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
- 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,907 The school has to cancel your show.
- 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,075 What?
- 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,869 For God's sake why, Mr. Maryl?
- 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,538 Well the students just aren't watching it.
- 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,874 Your rating was only a four this whole week.
- 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,333 How many students is that?
- 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,295 Four, four students watch your show.
- 00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:52,506 And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a fifty-seven.
- 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,508 Craig's show?
- 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,801 What is that butthole doing now?
- 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,261 Oh, it's brilliant.
- 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,680 It's all just video footage of animals
- 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,849 close-up with a wide angle lens.
- 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:05,477 Animals close-up with a wide angle lens.
- 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,575 But that's... that's crap, that's not even TV!
- 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,035 It's what the students want.
- 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,745 And its cheaper to make than your show.
- 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,872 Just one person and a video camera.
- 00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,123 Craig is a genius.
- 00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,208 Sorry, kids.
- 00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:28,918 But, Mr. Maryl,
- 00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:30,586 we're trying to bring the news to the students.
- 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:31,795 They need to know the facts
- 00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:33,505 and our news team delivers them, very much.
- 00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:36,050 Kids don't care about the news, boys.
- 00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:37,259 It's boring.
- 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,844 Kids want to see animals...
- 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:39,887 close-up...
- 00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,639 with a wide angle lens.
- 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,557 Please, Mr. Maryl, the news is our life.
- 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,892 Without it we have nothing.
- 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,268 I'm sorry, kids.
- 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,604 You should be proud of what you've done.
- 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,731 It's just that it's kind of gay.
- 00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,237 You're gay!
- 00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:02,952 Gee wiz...
- 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,037 We sure worked hard on that news show.
- 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,080 Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.
- 00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,667 Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin?
- 00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,923 Fuck off, Whistlin' Willie, we're not in the mood.
- 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,884 If you want your pizza you gotta whistle!
- 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,222 Come on!
- 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,939 There ya' go!
- 00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,817 God, I wish we had a <i>Pizza Hut</i> in South Park.
- 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,402 Hey look, Craig just walked in.
- 00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,909 Jesus all that for a stupid video show.
- 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,329 Oh hey guys, heard about your news show being canceled.
- 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,081 Go play with yourself, Craig.
- 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,208 Yeah, well, I got an overall deal with the school.
- 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,960 They're paying me six dollars a week
- 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,086 to come up with new shows.
- 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,171 Your idea took about this much thought, Craig.
- 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,091 This much more than you had.
- 00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,218 Hey a round of root beers for everyone, on me!
- 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,347 Kenny!
- 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,807 What the hell are you doing with this asshole?
- 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,517 Mrph rhmhphm rm.
- 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,935 You're helping Craig make his show?
- 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,895 I can't believe you would betray us like that!
- 00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,522 We've always been super cool to you!
- 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,815 ♪ Ha ha ha ha haaaa ha ♪
- 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,941 ♪ We're gonna do a news show ♪
- 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,234 ♪ and you can't do it with us ♪
- 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,736 ♪ because you are too poor ♪
- 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,195 ♪ and poor people don't watch the news ♪
- 00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,197 ♪ Nya nya nya nya nyaaaa nya ♪
- 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,493 Oh whatever, Kenny!
- 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,704 Hey gang, I brought the new episode of
- 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:29,788 "Wide Angle Close-up Animals"!
- 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:30,706 Woo-hoo! Yayyy! - Let's see!
- 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,250 Put it up on the monitors!
- 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,300 Cute!
- 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,429 Super cute!
- 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,973 God, I just don't get it.
- 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,600 Wow... those animals <i>are</i> pretty cute.
- 00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,934 Token--now come on guys!
- 00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,186 We've worked too hard
- 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,270 to just roll over for Craig and his
- 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,730 stupid overall deal.
- 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,148 Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves,
- 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,274 we just need to figure out
- 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,650 how to make our show better!
- 00:05:58,776 --> 00:05:59,777 Yeah... maybe if we can get higher ratings
- 00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:00,861 by the end of the week
- 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,321 they'll let us stay on the air!
- 00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,614 Well what are we waitin' for?
- 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,407 Come on, guys!
- 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,038 Alright, we all need to come up with ideas
- 00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,581 for our show.
- 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,583 How about we revamp the name...
- 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,876 "Super School News" sounds dry.
- 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,419 It should be Sexy News.
- 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,629 Action News!
- 00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:19,755 Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.
- 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,548 Maybe the problem is we don't have
- 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:22,966 very good stories to report on.
- 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,510 Right... we should make up stories
- 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,844 because they'll be far more interesting.
- 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,679 Hey yeah!
- 00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,139 I could <i>say</i> I saw celebrities even though I didn't
- 00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,433 and then lie about what I saw them doing!
- 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,102 Nice, Butters, write that down!
- 00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:37,481 "Lie... about...celebrities".
- 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:38,607 We have to appeal to all the students.
- 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,818 So we need hot girls for the sixth graders--
- 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:41,568 --and panda bears for the preschoolers.
- 00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,486 Good.
- 00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:43,695 Maybe we need to make students think
- 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,446 they <i>have</i> to watch our news show
- 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,656 or they'll die!
- 00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,157 Yeah, we should make up a bunch of reports
- 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:48,700 about how dangerous it is to be alive!
- 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:49,868 Oh boy!
- 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:53,122 Fellas, are you sure all of this is e-e-ethical?
- 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,123 We're in fourth grade, Jimmy.
- 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,582 We don't even know what ethical means!
- 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:56,917 Alright, Sexy Action School News team
- 00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,168 it's time to go to work!
- 00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,336 Get out there and get some stories!
- 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,256 Sexy Action School News team, ho!
- 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,386 Uh, Token, can I have a quick word with you?
- 00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,305 Look, Token... I know the guys are having trouble
- 00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,598 bringing this up with you, but...
- 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,268 Well the thing is, Token,
- 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,311 we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.
- 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,147 Huh?
- 00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,148 You see, Token, people really enjoy
- 00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,984 <i>seeing</i> African Americans on the news.
- 00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,279 <i>Seeing</i> African Americans on the news
- 00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,196 not hearing them.
- 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,157 That's why, all African American news people
- 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,993 learn to talk more... how should I say...
- 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,079 white.
- 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,914 Token, all the great African American news people
- 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,833 have learned to hide their 'ebonic tribespeak'
- 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,918 with a more pure caucasian dialect.
- 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,378 There is no shame in it
- 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,464 and I really think it will help our ratings.
- 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,260 This is South Park Elementary closed circuit television.
- 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636 And now...
- 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:55,309 Eyewitness Sexy Action School News!
- 00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,311 Is South Park Elementary about to explode
- 00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:58,562 from a methane gas leak?
- 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,314 More on that later, but first,
- 00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,940 Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits
- 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,192 for the <i>Raisins</i> girls!
- 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,321 Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before
- 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,739 leaving very little to the imagination.
- 00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,324 No doubt that if I were a little older
- 00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,117 I <i>would</i> be aroused.
- 00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,286 And now for a look at the weather.
- 00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:15,579 Here is Token Black.
- 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:16,872 And Token, I hope there are no tornadoes
- 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,207 headed our way.
- 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,792 No, tornadoes, Eric but interestingly enough
- 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,419 there is a low pressure storm
- 00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,087 moving in over the Park County valley
- 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,090 should bring us some chilly days ahead.
- 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,885 The Park County school board
- 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,220 has approved a bigger budget
- 00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,304 for the computer lab in--
- 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,805 Ooh hang on, Jimmy!
- 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,890 Looks like Kyle has the dish
- 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,183 on some students bathroom habits! Kyle.
- 00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,601 Eric, sources are speculating
- 00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,311 that third grade student Pete Bellman
- 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,979 pees sitting down like a girl.
- 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,314 We've also got confirmation
- 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,398 that Sally Turner stuffs her bra
- 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,817 and Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.
- 00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,612 Ha-ha-ha-haa one testicle!
- 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:51,490 Ha-ha-ha what an asshole!
- 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,828 Oh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute!
- 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041 Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness!
- 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,125 And now... let's get a look at
- 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,336 Celebrity Dish gossip with Butters!
- 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:09,383 This isn't the news, this is a t-t-t-travesty.
- 00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,596 Alright, so after my report on
- 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,140 the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria
- 00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,642 we'll go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teebs
- 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,435 trying to make out with Susan Farkle.
- 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,270 Then let's do Token's report
- 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,437 on how global warming is going to kill
- 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,522 everyone in the fifth grade.
- 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,899 That is a terrific idea, Stan.
- 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,317 A-OK!
- 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,112 Fellas, fellas, I've got fantastic news.
- 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,030 The vice president, Dick Cheney,
- 00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,282 was in Denver yesterday,
- 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,867 and I got an interview with him for our news show!
- 00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,663 Umm, an interview with the vice president...
- 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,623 Frankly, Jimmy I don't know how we're going to
- 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,083 fit that in between cheerleader pie eating
- 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751 and Who's Got Skid Marks Monday.
- 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,461 But this is real news.
- 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,963 It's boring news, Jimmy.
- 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,965 How do you know, you haven't seen it yet!
- 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,383 Alright, tell me about it.
- 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,468 In the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how--
- 00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:59,474 Oh... oh God, I just got so sleepy.
- 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,310 I'm sorry, what were you talking about?
- 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,478 Look, f-f-fellas I've got a real problem
- 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,439 with the direction our news show is going.
- 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,940 We're dumbing down the school.
- 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,483 No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb
- 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,484 we're just giving them what they want.
- 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,570 We're making the news more appealing to students.
- 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,322 This isn't the news!
- 00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,490 This is a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings.
- 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,826 Dammit, we have a journalistic responsibility
- 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,495 to bring students the f-facts.
- 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,122 Don't you see what we've done?
- 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,875 In our effort to compete with Craig's small-minded show
- 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,752 we've make a mockery of news reporting.
- 00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,503 I remember when we all made an oath to each other
- 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,631 way back when we started playing news reporters
- 00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,216 that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity.
- 00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,510 Well our integrity is jeopardized...
- 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,138 And if we can't report news the honest way...
- 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,641 What good is news reporting?
- 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,441 Boys, first of all I want to tell you
- 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:53,570 how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings.
- 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,448 Your show beat "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens"
- 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,533 by three viewers!
- 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:02,329 Alright!! - Wohoo!
- 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,955 I knew we could do it!
- 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,040 We beat "Close-up Animals"!
- 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:05,957 Oh man, it's so great!
- 00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,793 We-we worked so hard to be on the top-
- 00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:09,252 oh come here, you!
- 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,254 Yes, but unfortunately
- 00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,964 you got crushed in the ratings
- 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,883 by Craig's new show.
- 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,428 Craig's new show?
- 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,971 All the students love it.
- 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,307 It's an incredible idea called
- 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851 "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens
- 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,603 Wearing Hats".
- 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,355 Take a look.
- 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,910 That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell you.
- 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,788 He's like... an idea machine.
- 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:48,458 Does this mean we're still gonna get canceled?
- 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,836 I'm afraid its worse than that boys.
- 00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,963 I'm going to have to give you all "F"s
- 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,798 in extra curricular A/V class.
- 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,760 You have to learn now how important ratings are.
- 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,138 But... we gave it our best.
- 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:06,226 Yes, ♪ and I guess your best wasn't good enough ♪
- 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979 I don't believe it.
- 00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,230 I can't lose this extra curricular credit!
- 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,732 I need it to pass fourth grade.
- 00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,775 Stupid news hair.
- 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,196 F-fellas, don't you see, this proves my point.
- 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,491 We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.
- 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,618 Yeah, Jimmys right. I know we can come up with
- 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,911 way better ideas than Craig.
- 00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,289 Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do...
- 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,915 is come up with the best idea
- 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,959 for an episode <i>ever.</i>
- 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,219 What if we do a show where we...
- 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,846 Ah... no...
- 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:47,017 How about we have us, um... hmmm...
- 00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,978 Come on doesn't anybody have any show ideas?
- 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,188 How about we get panda bears
- 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,023 and have them dance around with us!
- 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,484 We did that.
- 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,571 Wow, coming up with ideas is hard.
- 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,615 Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it.
- 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,407 Come on!
- 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:12,083 How about we do a show with us... uh...
- 00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:15,504 The uh... what if...
- 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,089 Wait, I've got it... crab people.
- 00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,341 Crab people?
- 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,550 They're like half crab, half people
- 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,552 and they live below the ground.
- 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:25,096 Dude, I think we can do a little better
- 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,681 than crab people.
- 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,600 I know, we should read the funnies!
- 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,186 I always get good ideas from the funnies!
- 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,230 Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies.
- 00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,440 Yeah, I read 'em all the time!
- 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,858 Here's one!
- 00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,819 The... snail tripped over a hurdle
- 00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,403 and the other snail says,
- 00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,697 "well, that's gonna add another hour to his time!"
- 00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:43,907 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,617 You guys?
- 00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,037 How about we do a show where we kill Butters?
- 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:52,958 Ha ha...
- 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,711 So Dagwood says,
- 00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,341 "good... goo..good thing we're playing the back nine at your house".
- 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,092 Ha ha ha ha!
- 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,512 We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas.
- 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,721 We have crab people.
- 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,764 Just sayin'...
- 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,266 Wait -- you know what we should do?
- 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,685 We should all take a bunch of cough medicine.
- 00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:12,686 Cough medicine?
- 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,687 That's what the sixth graders do
- 00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,729 behind the school at recess.
- 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,356 They take way too much cough medicine
- 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316 cuz they say it makes them see things in their heads.
- 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:25,407 Gee wiz, there sure is a lot of em...
- 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,492 How do we know which one to use?
- 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:30,579 How about this one Colminex.
- 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,831 "Warning, taking more than recommended amount
- 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583 can cause severe side effects."
- 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,750 That sounds perfect!
- 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,335 B-bingo.
- 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,713 Can I help you boys?
- 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,424 Yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration
- 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,009 so we were gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.
- 00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:44,885 Whoa, boys!
- 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,512 That's not what you need to come up with ideas!
- 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,722 It's not?
- 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,683 No, what you want is the Colminex PM.
- 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,727 It has the dextrimatphan in it
- 00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,437 that causes hallucinations in large doses.
- 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,688 Oh okay.
- 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,939 Now, if it's more of a lucid,
- 00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,316 speedy kind of high you're looking for,
- 00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:01,526 I do also carry the Daytap Cold and Flu.
- 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,278 Then there's the maximum strength
- 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,738 Codatussin Cough 'n Cold.
- 00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,866 But of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.
- 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493 What do you think, fellas?
- 00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,870 I guess we'll just take all of them.
- 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,787 That's the spirit...
- 00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,873 Alright boys, I'll just need your parents permission.
- 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,919 Kidding, I'm just pullin' your legs.
- 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,253 Come on over to the register!
- 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,006 Oh, looks like somebody else
- 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,716 is doing a little partying tonight!
- 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,509 Oh, Jesus Christ!
- 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:27,928 We aren't having a party.
- 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,095 Oh yeah sure!
- 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,972 You're just buying that for your bad coughs, right?
- 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,851 Us too!
- 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:36,728 Ooh, Jesus!
- 00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,237 Alright, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil
- 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,322 and when all the ideas start coming
- 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,740 just write 'em down.
- 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,325 We might not remember everything otherwise.
- 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,495 Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart!
- 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,332 Ooh, it's all thick and gooey...
- 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,336 Huh... I don't have any ideas yet.
- 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,882 Stan?
- 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,385 Dude, Stan, you alright?
- 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,679 I think maybe he's feelin' it.
- 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,764 Stan, are you getting good ideas?
- 00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:17,811 Woah... I'm feelin kinda bowling ballish, fellas.
- 00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:28,947 Woof-woof!
- 00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,740 Woof-woof!
- 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,409 Stan... Stan come on.
- 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,494 We're gonna go find a frog.
- 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,625 We're sorry...
- 00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,760 Oh dude, I just had the best idea!
- 00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:51,845 Me too!
- 00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,564 Hey, let's run naked through the street!
- 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,866 Dude, this TV show is awesome...
- 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,411 It's... the greatest show of all time...
- 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,204 I could watch this for days...
- 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,008 Cute...
- 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,510 Super cute...
- 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:44,230 You guys... you guys wake up!
- 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,356 Ergh... agh!
- 00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,817 Butters get away from me!
- 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,444 Oh Jesus, where are my clothes?
- 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,487 We took a bunch of cough medicine
- 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,322 to come up with ideas for our show.
- 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,823 I didn't come up with anything!
- 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,867 I did, I wrote something down...
- 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,245 Here it is... uh... squiggly line, circle.
- 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,538 I wrote down...
- 00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,124 All the lyrics to the "Happy Days" theme song.
- 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,959 You guys... we watched Craig's show all night long.
- 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,045 Yeah, it was great.
- 00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,338 But don't you see?
- 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,964 We didn't think it was great before!
- 00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,591 I think I understand now.
- 00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,719 I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings!
- 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,472 Half the school is high on cough medicine!
- 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,265 Jesus, you may be right.
- 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,934 Fellas, this is our chance!
- 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,435 Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible!
- 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,895 It's time for us to do
- 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,271 the most incredible investigative news report
- 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,190 of our journalistic lives!
- 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,025 This is closed circuit television
- 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,194 for South Park Elementary School.
- 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,780 And now... A Sexy Action News team
- 00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,240 Special Report!
- 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:39,160 Cough medicine abuse in school.
- 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,704 <i>With the Sexy Action School News team.</i>
- 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,249 <i>It's the report you can't afford to miss.</i>
- 00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,795 And now here is Rick Cartman.
- 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,631 They call it cough syrup, cough medicine,
- 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,424 cold and flu remedy.
- 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,343 But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary
- 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,427 it also has a street name:
- 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:59,848 coogie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum.
- 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,683 Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.
- 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,101 Today the Sexy Action School news team
- 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,019 takes you inside the dark and lonely world
- 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,230 of cough medicine abuse.
- 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,606 They're doing it in the hallways.
- 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:09,607 Agh!
- 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,234 Behind the school.
- 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,319 Hey, get outta here you fucking dork.
- 00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,988 Even, in the girl's bathroom.
- 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:19,159 Is somebody in there? I'll tell on you!
- 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,994 We showed the shocking footage to the principal--
- 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,579 Oh my goodness...
- 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,289 Principal Victoria, can you explain
- 00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,208 how your administration failed to see this p-pr-
- 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,251 problem?
- 00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,836 Well, I... we...
- 00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,880 So where are students getting all this cough medicine?
- 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:32,922 This surveillance footage
- 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,215 shows a group of troubled kids
- 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,300 getting all the smack they want
- 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,634 from a pharmacist!
- 00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,012 Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist
- 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,013 to the South Park police
- 00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,556 and he was immediately arrested.
- 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,308 The cough medicine companies claim
- 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,559 they don't intend for their product
- 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,644 to be used by kids to get high.
- 00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,063 But one look at the packaging tells otherwise-
- 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:52,025 "Theradryl DM for kids"
- 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,819 "Dexacough Children's Formula".
- 00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,571 And now for a quick celebrity check
- 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,906 here's Butters Stotch.
- 00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,365 Still no celebrities, Eric.
- 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,826 I'll keep my eyes open.
- 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,411 The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant
- 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,538 in neighboring Middle Park Elementary.
- 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,915 But they took action.
- 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,041 Ridded their entire town of cough medicine.
- 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,127 And what we see now, is a happier school
- 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,213 one hundred percent cough medicine free.
- 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,554 Boys, I want to congratulate you
- 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,390 on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television
- 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,351 I have ever seen.
- 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,727 Not only did you get
- 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,355 all the students and myself off of cough medicine
- 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,565 but you got a twenty two in the ratings!
- 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,234 Twenty two people?
- 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,693 Alright!
- 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,362 You wanted to see me, Mr. Maryl?
- 00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:38,988 Oh, yes, Craig.
- 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,949 It appears that the ratings for your show
- 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,659 are down significantly.
- 00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,035 Gee, what a coincidence.
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,246 I wonder w-w-why.
- 00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,790 You need to know how important ratings are, Craig.
- 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,792 So I'm going to suspend you from school
- 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,878 and request that you have your testicles removed surgically.
- 00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,089 Ha ha, in your face Craig!
- 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,925 You boys are approved for twenty seven new shows!
- 00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:01,469 I want you to come up with an even better idea
- 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,720 than the cough medicine story.
- 00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:03,805 Get to it!
- 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:12,188 Nobody... has any ideas?
- 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,148 This sucks.
- 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,233 I don't wanna keep having to come up with ideas
- 00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,443 for shows all the time, it hurts my head.
- 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,156 Dude... bail?
- 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,909 I think bail.
- 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:25,952 Bail.
- 00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,954 Yep, b-b-bail.
- 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,219 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,387 ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,015 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,061 ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,521 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,480 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,690 ♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪
- 00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,863 ♪ [muffled] ♪
- 00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,281 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:31,949 ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,038 This is closed circuit television
- 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,373 for South Park Elementary School.
- 00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,751 And now... "Super School News".
- 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:46,130 The news made for students by students.
- 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,299 Welcome to Super School News.
- 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,592 I'm Jimmy Valmer.
- 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,135 And I'm Rick Cartman.
- 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,136 The price of milk money will go up next month
- 00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,638 to forty nine cents.
- 00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:55,639 The school claims the added money is due to
- 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,767 the cow shortage in South Park county.
- 00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,393 Parent-teacher conferences will be held
- 00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,145 this Wednesday night from seven to nine.
- 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,522 So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded.
- 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,774 And now for a look at what's on the menu
- 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,734 for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.
- 00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,486 Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving
- 00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,029 a chicken cutlet.
- 00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:11,864 Now that's traditionally a white meat chicken breast,
- 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,825 if you will, that has been breaded and then cooked.
- 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,243 I've been told there will also be tater tots
- 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,703 and a vegetable dish.
- 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,872 This is really shaping up to be uh, one fantastic lunch.
- 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,665 Eric?
- 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,334 Hard-hitting reporting Stan, thanks a lot.
- 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,251 And now here with the celebrity watch
- 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,503 is Butters Stotch.
- 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,046 Butters, seen any celebrities lately?
- 00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,006 No, not yet.
- 00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,424 I've been standing out in front of the school
- 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,801 for about two hours now
- 00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,511 and I haven't seen any celebrities.
- 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:34,929 About thirty minutes ago,
- 00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,306 I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver...
- 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,558 B-b-ut, uh, turns out it was a dead horse.
- 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,810 Alright, Butters, keep your eyes open.
- 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,852 Will do.
- 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:44,188 More snow for South P-park?
- 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:47,358 Here's Token Black with the weather.
- 00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:48,818 Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm
- 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:49,944 is heading South Park's way.
- 00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,153 I asked my dad last night,
- 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,113 and he said he heard the snowstorm
- 00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:54,782 is expected on Tuesday, guys.
- 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:55,866 Kyle Broflovski now joins us
- 00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:56,992 for a look at sports.
- 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,119 And Kyle, the girls' basketball team
- 00:01:58,244 --> 00:01:59,620 just can't get it right.
- 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,705 Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric.
- 00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,040 They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson
- 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,708 started crying because she missed her daddy
- 00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,544 who is on a business trip in Thailand.
- 00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:08,337 Kelly was so upset she couldn't play
- 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,797 and the Cows had to forfeit.
- 00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,674 The Cows are on a six and 0 slide
- 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,843 since Kelly's father left for that business trip.
- 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,427 And that's all for Super School News!
- 00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:21,100 Enjoy your day at South Park E-e-el-
- 00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:22,935 Elementary.
- 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,814 And we're... Cut!
- 00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:28,482 Alright, nice reporting guys, nice.
- 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,900 Boy that was a great episode!
- 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,402 Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.
- 00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:34,405 Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
- 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,907 The school has to cancel your show.
- 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,075 What?
- 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,869 For God's sake why, Mr. Maryl?
- 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,538 Well the students just aren't watching it.
- 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,874 Your rating was only a four this whole week.
- 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,333 How many students is that?
- 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,295 Four, four students watch your show.
- 00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:52,506 And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a fifty-seven.
- 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,508 Craig's show?
- 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,801 What is that butthole doing now?
- 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,261 Oh, it's brilliant.
- 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,680 It's all just video footage of animals
- 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,849 close-up with a wide angle lens.
- 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:05,477 Animals close-up with a wide angle lens.
- 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,575 But that's... that's crap, that's not even TV!
- 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,035 It's what the students want.
- 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,745 And its cheaper to make than your show.
- 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,872 Just one person and a video camera.
- 00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,123 Craig is a genius.
- 00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,208 Sorry, kids.
- 00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:28,918 But, Mr. Maryl,
- 00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:30,586 we're trying to bring the news to the students.
- 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:31,795 They need to know the facts
- 00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:33,505 and our news team delivers them, very much.
- 00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:36,050 Kids don't care about the news, boys.
- 00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:37,259 It's boring.
- 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,844 Kids want to see animals...
- 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:39,887 close-up...
- 00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,639 with a wide angle lens.
- 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,557 Please, Mr. Maryl, the news is our life.
- 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,892 Without it we have nothing.
- 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,268 I'm sorry, kids.
- 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,604 You should be proud of what you've done.
- 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,731 It's just that it's kind of gay.
- 00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,237 You're gay!
- 00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:02,952 Gee wiz...
- 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,037 We sure worked hard on that news show.
- 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,080 Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.
- 00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,667 Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin?
- 00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:13,379 [whistlin' merrily]
- 00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,923 Fuck off, Whistlin' Willie, we're not in the mood.
- 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,884 If you want your pizza you gotta whistle!
- 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,302 [whistlin' merrily]
- 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,222 Come on!
- 00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:29,395 [all half-whistlin']
- 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,939 There ya' go!
- 00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,817 God, I wish we had a <i>Pizza Hut</i> in South Park.
- 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,402 Hey look, Craig just walked in.
- 00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:40,614 [cheers & applause]
- 00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,909 Jesus all that for a stupid video show.
- 00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,329 Oh hey guys, heard about your news show being canceled.
- 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,081 Go play with yourself, Craig.
- 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,208 Yeah, well, I got an overall deal with the school.
- 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,960 They're paying me six dollars a week
- 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,086 to come up with new shows.
- 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,171 Your idea took about this much thought, Craig.
- 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,091 This much more than you had.
- 00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,218 Hey a round of root beers for everyone, on me!
- 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,846 [cheering]
- 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,347 Kenny!
- 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,807 What the hell are you doing with this asshole?
- 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,517 Mrph rhmhphm rm.
- 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,935 You're helping Craig make his show?
- 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,895 I can't believe you would betray us like that!
- 00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,522 We've always been super cool to you!
- 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,815 ♪ Ha ha ha ha haaaa ha ♪
- 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,941 ♪ We're gonna do a news show ♪
- 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,234 ♪ and you can't do it with us ♪
- 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,736 ♪ because you are too poor ♪
- 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,195 ♪ and poor people don't watch the news ♪
- 00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,197 ♪ Nya nya nya nya nyaaaa nya ♪
- 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,493 Oh whatever, Kenny!
- 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,704 Hey gang, I brought the new episode of
- 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:29,788 "Wide Angle Close-up Animals"!
- 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:30,706 Woo-hoo! Yayyy! - Let's see!
- 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,250 Put it up on the monitors!
- 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,300 Cute!
- 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,429 Super cute!
- 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,973 God, I just don't get it.
- 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,600 Wow... those animals <i>are</i> pretty cute.
- 00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,934 Token--now come on guys!
- 00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,186 We've worked too hard
- 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,270 to just roll over for Craig and his
- 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,730 stupid overall deal.
- 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,148 Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves,
- 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,274 we just need to figure out
- 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,650 how to make our show better!
- 00:05:58,776 --> 00:05:59,777 Yeah... maybe if we can get higher ratings
- 00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:00,861 by the end of the week
- 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,321 they'll let us stay on the air!
- 00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,614 Well what are we waitin' for?
- 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,407 Come on, guys!
- 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,038 Alright, we all need to come up with ideas
- 00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,581 for our show.
- 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,583 How about we revamp the name...
- 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,876 "Super School News" sounds dry.
- 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,419 It should be Sexy News.
- 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,629 Action News!
- 00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:19,755 Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.
- 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,548 Maybe the problem is we don't have
- 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:22,966 very good stories to report on.
- 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,510 Right... we should make up stories
- 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,844 because they'll be far more interesting.
- 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,679 Hey yeah!
- 00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,139 I could <i>say</i> I saw celebrities even though I didn't
- 00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,433 and then lie about what I saw them doing!
- 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,102 Nice, Butters, write that down!
- 00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:37,481 "Lie... about...celebrities".
- 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:38,607 We have to appeal to all the students.
- 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,818 So we need hot girls for the sixth graders--
- 00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:41,568 --and panda bears for the preschoolers.
- 00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,486 Good.
- 00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:43,695 Maybe we need to make students think
- 00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,446 they <i>have</i> to watch our news show
- 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,656 or they'll die!
- 00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,157 Yeah, we should make up a bunch of reports
- 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:48,700 about how dangerous it is to be alive!
- 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:49,868 Oh boy!
- 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:53,122 Fellas, are you sure all of this is e-e-ethical?
- 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,123 We're in fourth grade, Jimmy.
- 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,582 We don't even know what ethical means!
- 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:56,917 Alright, Sexy Action School News team
- 00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,168 it's time to go to work!
- 00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,336 Get out there and get some stories!
- 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,256 Sexy Action School News team, ho!
- 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,386 Uh, Token, can I have a quick word with you?
- 00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,305 Look, Token... I know the guys are having trouble
- 00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,598 bringing this up with you, but...
- 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,268 Well the thing is, Token,
- 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,311 we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.
- 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,147 Huh?
- 00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,148 You see, Token, people really enjoy
- 00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,984 <i>seeing</i> African Americans on the news.
- 00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,279 <i>Seeing</i> African Americans on the news
- 00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,196 not hearing them.
- 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,157 That's why, all African American news people
- 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,993 learn to talk more... how should I say...
- 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,079 white.
- 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,914 Token, all the great African American news people
- 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,833 have learned to hide their 'ebonic tribespeak'
- 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,918 with a more pure caucasian dialect.
- 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,378 There is no shame in it
- 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,464 and I really think it will help our ratings.
- 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,260 This is South Park Elementary closed circuit television.
- 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636 And now...
- 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:55,309 Eyewitness Sexy Action School News!
- 00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,311 Is South Park Elementary about to explode
- 00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:58,562 from a methane gas leak?
- 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,314 More on that later, but first,
- 00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,940 Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits
- 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,192 for the <i>Raisins</i> girls!
- 00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:04,443 [all cheering]
- 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,321 Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before
- 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,739 leaving very little to the imagination.
- 00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,324 No doubt that if I were a little older
- 00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,117 I <i>would</i> be aroused.
- 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,076 [all cheering]
- 00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,286 And now for a look at the weather.
- 00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:15,579 Here is Token Black.
- 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:16,872 And Token, I hope there are no tornadoes
- 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,207 headed our way.
- 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,792 No, tornadoes, Eric but interestingly enough
- 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,419 there is a low pressure storm
- 00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,087 moving in over the Park County valley
- 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,090 should bring us some chilly days ahead.
- 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,885 The Park County school board
- 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,220 has approved a bigger budget
- 00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,304 for the computer lab in--
- 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,805 Ooh hang on, Jimmy!
- 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,890 Looks like Kyle has the dish
- 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,183 on some students bathroom habits! Kyle.
- 00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,601 Eric, sources are speculating
- 00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,311 that third grade student Pete Bellman
- 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,979 pees sitting down like a girl.
- 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,314 We've also got confirmation
- 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,398 that Sally Turner stuffs her bra
- 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,817 and Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.
- 00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,612 Ha-ha-ha-haa one testicle!
- 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:51,490 Ha-ha-ha what an asshole!
- 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,828 Oh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute!
- 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041 Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness!
- 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,125 And now... let's get a look at
- 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,336 Celebrity Dish gossip with Butters!
- 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:09,383 This isn't the news, this is a t-t-t-travesty.
- 00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,596 Alright, so after my report on
- 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,140 the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria
- 00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,642 we'll go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teebs
- 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,435 trying to make out with Susan Farkle.
- 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,270 Then let's do Token's report
- 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,437 on how global warming is going to kill
- 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,522 everyone in the fifth grade.
- 00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,899 That is a terrific idea, Stan.
- 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,317 A-OK!
- 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,112 Fellas, fellas, I've got fantastic news.
- 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,030 The vice president, Dick Cheney,
- 00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,282 was in Denver yesterday,
- 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,867 and I got an interview with him for our news show!
- 00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,663 Umm, an interview with the vice president...
- 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,623 Frankly, Jimmy I don't know how we're going to
- 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,083 fit that in between cheerleader pie eating
- 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751 and Who's Got Skid Marks Monday.
- 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,461 But this is real news.
- 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,963 It's boring news, Jimmy.
- 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,965 How do you know, you haven't seen it yet!
- 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,383 Alright, tell me about it.
- 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,468 In the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how--
- 00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,470 [big yawn]
- 00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:59,474 Oh... oh God, I just got so sleepy.
- 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,310 I'm sorry, what were you talking about?
- 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,478 Look, f-f-fellas I've got a real problem
- 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,439 with the direction our news show is going.
- 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,940 We're dumbing down the school.
- 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,483 No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb
- 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,484 we're just giving them what they want.
- 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,570 We're making the news more appealing to students.
- 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,322 This isn't the news!
- 00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,490 This is a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings.
- 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,826 Dammit, we have a journalistic responsibility
- 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,495 to bring students the f-facts.
- 00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,122 Don't you see what we've done?
- 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,875 In our effort to compete with Craig's small-minded show
- 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,752 we've make a mockery of news reporting.
- 00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,503 I remember when we all made an oath to each other
- 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,631 way back when we started playing news reporters
- 00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,216 that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity.
- 00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,510 Well our integrity is jeopardized...
- 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,138 And if we can't report news the honest way...
- 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,641 What good is news reporting?
- 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:45,062 [yawning & stretching]
- 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,441 Boys, first of all I want to tell you
- 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:53,570 how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings.
- 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,448 Your show beat "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens"
- 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,533 by three viewers!
- 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:02,329 Alright!! - Wohoo!
- 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,955 I knew we could do it!
- 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,040 We beat "Close-up Animals"!
- 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:05,957 Oh man, it's so great!
- 00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,793 We-we worked so hard to be on the top-
- 00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:09,252 oh come here, you!
- 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,254 Yes, but unfortunately
- 00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,964 you got crushed in the ratings
- 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,883 by Craig's new show.
- 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,428 Craig's new show?
- 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,971 All the students love it.
- 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,307 It's an incredible idea called
- 00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851 "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens
- 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,603 Wearing Hats".
- 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,355 Take a look.
- 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,910 That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell you.
- 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,788 He's like... an idea machine.
- 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:48,458 Does this mean we're still gonna get canceled?
- 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,836 I'm afraid its worse than that boys.
- 00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,963 I'm going to have to give you all "F"s
- 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,798 in extra curricular A/V class.
- 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,760 You have to learn now how important ratings are.
- 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,138 But... we gave it our best.
- 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:06,226 Yes, ♪ and I guess your best wasn't good enough ♪
- 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979 I don't believe it.
- 00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,230 I can't lose this extra curricular credit!
- 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,732 I need it to pass fourth grade.
- 00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,775 Stupid news hair.
- 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,196 F-fellas, don't you see, this proves my point.
- 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,491 We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.
- 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,618 Yeah, Jimmys right. I know we can come up with
- 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,911 way better ideas than Craig.
- 00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,289 Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do...
- 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,915 is come up with the best idea
- 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,959 for an episode <i>ever.</i>
- 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,219 What if we do a show where we...
- 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,846 Ah... no...
- 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:47,017 How about we have us, um... hmmm...
- 00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,978 Come on doesn't anybody have any show ideas?
- 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,188 How about we get panda bears
- 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,023 and have them dance around with us!
- 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,484 We did that.
- 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,571 Wow, coming up with ideas is hard.
- 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,615 Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it.
- 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,407 Come on!
- 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:12,083 How about we do a show with us... uh...
- 00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:15,504 The uh... what if...
- 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,089 Wait, I've got it... crab people.
- 00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,341 Crab people?
- 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,550 They're like half crab, half people
- 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,552 and they live below the ground.
- 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:25,096 Dude, I think we can do a little better
- 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,681 than crab people.
- 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,600 I know, we should read the funnies!
- 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,186 I always get good ideas from the funnies!
- 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,230 Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies.
- 00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,440 Yeah, I read 'em all the time!
- 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,858 Here's one!
- 00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,819 The... snail tripped over a hurdle
- 00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,403 and the other snail says,
- 00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,697 "well, that's gonna add another hour to his time!"
- 00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:43,907 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- 00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,617 You guys?
- 00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,037 How about we do a show where we kill Butters?
- 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:52,958 Ha ha...
- 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,711 So Dagwood says,
- 00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,341 "good... goo..good thing we're playing the back nine at your house".
- 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,092 Ha ha ha ha!
- 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,512 We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas.
- 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,721 We have crab people.
- 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,764 Just sayin'...
- 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,266 Wait -- you know what we should do?
- 00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,685 We should all take a bunch of cough medicine.
- 00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:12,686 Cough medicine?
- 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,687 That's what the sixth graders do
- 00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,729 behind the school at recess.
- 00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,356 They take way too much cough medicine
- 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316 cuz they say it makes them see things in their heads.
- 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:25,407 Gee wiz, there sure is a lot of em...
- 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,492 How do we know which one to use?
- 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:30,579 How about this one Colminex.
- 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,831 "Warning, taking more than recommended amount
- 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583 can cause severe side effects."
- 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,750 That sounds perfect!
- 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,335 B-bingo.
- 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,713 Can I help you boys?
- 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,424 Yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration
- 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,009 so we were gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.
- 00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:44,885 Whoa, boys!
- 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,512 That's not what you need to come up with ideas!
- 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,722 It's not?
- 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,683 No, what you want is the Colminex PM.
- 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,727 It has the dextrimatphan in it
- 00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,437 that causes hallucinations in large doses.
- 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,688 Oh okay.
- 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,939 Now, if it's more of a lucid,
- 00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,316 speedy kind of high you're looking for,
- 00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:01,526 I do also carry the Daytap Cold and Flu.
- 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,278 Then there's the maximum strength
- 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,738 Codatussin Cough 'n Cold.
- 00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,866 But of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.
- 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493 What do you think, fellas?
- 00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,870 I guess we'll just take all of them.
- 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,787 That's the spirit...
- 00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,873 Alright boys, I'll just need your parents permission.
- 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,919 Kidding, I'm just pullin' your legs.
- 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,253 Come on over to the register!
- 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,006 Oh, looks like somebody else
- 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,716 is doing a little partying tonight!
- 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,509 Oh, Jesus Christ!
- 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:27,928 We aren't having a party.
- 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,095 Oh yeah sure!
- 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,972 You're just buying that for your bad coughs, right?
- 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,851 Us too! [fake coughing]
- 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:36,728 Ooh, Jesus!
- 00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,237 Alright, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil
- 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,322 and when all the ideas start coming
- 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,740 just write 'em down.
- 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,325 We might not remember everything otherwise.
- 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,495 Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart!
- 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,332 Ooh, it's all thick and gooey...
- 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,336 Huh... I don't have any ideas yet.
- 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,882 Stan?
- 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,385 Dude, Stan, you alright?
- 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,679 I think maybe he's feelin' it.
- 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,764 Stan, are you getting good ideas?
- 00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:17,811 Woah... I'm feelin kinda bowling ballish, fellas.
- 00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:28,947 Woof-woof!
- 00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,740 Woof-woof!
- 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,409 [distorted] Stan... Stan come on.
- 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,494 We're gonna go find a frog.
- 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,625 [wrong number beep] We're sorry...
- 00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,760 Oh dude, I just had the best idea!
- 00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:51,845 Me too!
- 00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,564 Hey, let's run naked through the street!
- 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,866 Dude, this TV show is awesome...
- 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,411 It's... the greatest show of all time...
- 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,204 I could watch this for days...
- 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,008 [all] Cute...
- 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,510 Super cute...
- 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:44,230 You guys... you guys wake up!
- 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,356 Ergh... agh!
- 00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,817 Butters get away from me!
- 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,444 Oh Jesus, where are my clothes?
- 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,487 We took a bunch of cough medicine
- 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,322 to come up with ideas for our show.
- 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,823 I didn't come up with anything!
- 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,867 I did, I wrote something down...
- 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,245 Here it is... uh... squiggly line, circle.
- 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,538 I wrote down...
- 00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,124 All the lyrics to the "Happy Days" theme song.
- 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,959 You guys... we watched Craig's show all night long.
- 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,045 Yeah, it was great.
- 00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,338 But don't you see?
- 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,964 We didn't think it was great before!
- 00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,591 I think I understand now.
- 00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,719 I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings!
- 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,472 Half the school is high on cough medicine!
- 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,265 Jesus, you may be right.
- 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,934 Fellas, this is our chance!
- 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,435 Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible!
- 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,895 It's time for us to do
- 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,271 the most incredible investigative news report
- 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,190 of our journalistic lives!
- 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,025 This is closed circuit television
- 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,194 for South Park Elementary School.
- 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,780 And now... A Sexy Action News team
- 00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,240 Special Report!
- 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:39,160 Cough medicine abuse in school.
- 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,704 <i>With the Sexy Action School News team.</i>
- 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,249 <i>It's the report you can't afford to miss.</i>
- 00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:45,708 [girl screaming]
- 00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,795 And now here is Rick Cartman.
- 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,631 They call it cough syrup, cough medicine,
- 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,424 cold and flu remedy.
- 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,343 But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary
- 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,427 it also has a street name:
- 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:59,848 coogie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum.
- 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,683 Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.
- 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,101 Today the Sexy Action School news team
- 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,019 takes you inside the dark and lonely world
- 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,230 of cough medicine abuse.
- 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,606 They're doing it in the hallways.
- 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:09,607 Agh!
- 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,234 Behind the school.
- 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,319 Hey, get outta here you fucking dork.
- 00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,988 Even, in the girl's bathroom.
- 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:19,159 Is somebody in there? I'll tell on you!
- 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,994 We showed the shocking footage to the principal--
- 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,579 Oh my goodness...
- 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,289 Principal Victoria, can you explain
- 00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,208 how your administration failed to see this p-pr-
- 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,251 problem?
- 00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,836 Well, I... we...
- 00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,880 So where are students getting all this cough medicine?
- 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:32,922 This surveillance footage
- 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,215 shows a group of troubled kids
- 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,300 getting all the smack they want
- 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,634 from a pharmacist!
- 00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,012 Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist
- 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,013 to the South Park police
- 00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,556 and he was immediately arrested.
- 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,308 The cough medicine companies claim
- 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,559 they don't intend for their product
- 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,644 to be used by kids to get high.
- 00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,063 But one look at the packaging tells otherwise-
- 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:52,025 "Theradryl DM for kids"
- 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,819 "Dexacough Children's Formula".
- 00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,571 And now for a quick celebrity check
- 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,906 here's Butters Stotch.
- 00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,365 Still no celebrities, Eric.
- 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,826 I'll keep my eyes open.
- 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,411 The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant
- 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,538 in neighboring Middle Park Elementary.
- 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,915 But they took action.
- 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,041 Ridded their entire town of cough medicine.
- 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,127 And what we see now, is a happier school
- 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,213 one hundred percent cough medicine free.
- 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,965 [all hacking & coughing]
- 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,554 Boys, I want to congratulate you
- 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,390 on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television
- 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,351 I have ever seen.
- 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,727 Not only did you get
- 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,355 all the students and myself off of cough medicine
- 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,565 but you got a twenty two in the ratings!
- 00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,234 Twenty two people?
- 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,693 Alright!
- 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,362 You wanted to see me, Mr. Maryl?
- 00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:38,988 Oh, yes, Craig.
- 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,949 It appears that the ratings for your show
- 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,659 are down significantly.
- 00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,035 Gee, what a coincidence.
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,246 I wonder w-w-why.
- 00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,790 You need to know how important ratings are, Craig.
- 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,792 So I'm going to suspend you from school
- 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,878 and request that you have your testicles removed surgically.
- 00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,089 Ha ha, in your face Craig!
- 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,925 You boys are approved for twenty seven new shows!
- 00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:01,469 I want you to come up with an even better idea
- 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,720 than the cough medicine story.
- 00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:03,805 Get to it!
- 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:12,188 Nobody... has any ideas?
- 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,148 This sucks.
- 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,233 I don't wanna keep having to come up with ideas
- 00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,443 for shows all the time, it hurts my head.
- 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,156 Dude... bail?
- 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,909 I think bail.
- 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:25,952 Bail.
- 00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,954 Yep, b-b-bail.
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