В погоне за рейтингами

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Саут-Парк. Эпизод 811, "Погоня за рейтингом"

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Это внутренние телевидение начальной школы Саут-Парка.

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А теперь – "Супер школьные новости"!

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Новости, сделанные школьниками, для школьников.

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Приветствуем всех зрителей "Супер школьных новостей".

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Я - Джимми Волмер.

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А я - Рик Картман.

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Со следующего понедельника цена молока в школьной столовой будет поднята до 49 центов.

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По заявлению представителей школы, это повышение связанно с нехваткой коров в округе Саут-Парк.

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Вечем в среду, с 7-ми до 9-ти будут проходит родительские собрания.

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Так что, дети, постарайтесь наиграться до того как вам запретят гулять!

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А сейчас, с информацией о меню школьной столовой на сегодня – Стен Марш.

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Эрик, похоже, будет подаваться котлета из цыпленка.

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Это традиционно белое мясо цыпленка, грудка, если хотите,

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которая обсыпается сухарями и обжаривается.

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Мне также сообщили, то будет подана картошка и какое-нибудь овощное блюдо.

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Похоже, нам стоит ожидать просто фантастического обеда. Эрик?

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Большое спасибо за интересную информацию, Стен.

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А сейчас мы связываемся с наблюдающим за знаменитостями Баттерсом Стотчем.

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Баттерс, видел ли каких-нибудь знаменитостей?

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Нет, пока нет.

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Я стою перед школой уже около двух часов,

и я еще не видел никаких знаменитостей.

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Около получаса назад мне показалось, что я увидел Сигурни Уивер...

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Но оказалось, что это была мертвая лошадь.

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Спасибо, Баттерс, продолжай наблюдение.

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Обязательно!

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В саут-Парке снова ожидается снег?

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С прогнозом погоды, Токен Блэк.

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Джимми, Эрик, похоже, в направлении Cаут-Парка движется массивная снежная буря.

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Я спросил у своего отца вчера вечером, и он сказал, что снежная буря ожидаеся во вторник.

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Эрик?

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К нам присоединяется Кайл Брофловски с обзором спортивных новостей.

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И, Кайл, дела у баскетбольной команда девочек все никак не налаживаются?

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Коровы Саут Парка потерпели вчера еще одно неприятное поражение, Эрик.

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Они вели в счете, пока Келли Андерсон не расплакалась оттого, что скучает по отцу,

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улетевшему в командировку в Тайланд.

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Келли была так расстроена, что не смогла продолжать игру, и команде не удалось выиграть.

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Это уже шестой проигрыш Коров подряд с тех пор как отец Келли уехал в эту командировку.

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И на этом "Супер школьные новости" заканчиваются.

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Удачного вам учебного дня в начальной школе Cаут-Па

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а... аааа...

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Парка!

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И... снято!

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Отличные работа, пацаны. Отличная!

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Господи, этот выпуск был супер!

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Да, я думаю пока это одна из наших лучших передач!

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Ребята, я боюсь у меня плохие новости.

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Школе придется отменить вашу программу.

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Что?!

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Господи, почему, мистер Мерил?

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Ну, школьники вас просто не смотрят.

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Всю эту неделю ваш рейтинг был всего 4.

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И сколько это школьников?

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Четверо. Четверо школьников смотрят ваше шоу.

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А шоу Крейга получает рейтинг 57!

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Шоу Крейга?!

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И чем этот урод сейчас занимается?

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О, это чудесно!

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Это просто съемки животных крупным планом через широкоугольным объектив!

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"Крупные планы животных, снятые через широкоугольный объектив"

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Но это... говно!

Это даже не телевидение!

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Это то, чего хотят школьники, и это дешевле, чем ваше шоу.

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Всего один человек и видеокамера. Крейг - гений.!

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Извините, ребятки.

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Но мистер Мерил.

Мы пытаемся донести до учащихся новости.

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Им нужно знать факты, и наша журналистская команда предоставляет их.

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Детям наплевать на новости, мальчики.

Это скучно.

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Дети хотят смотреть на животных! Крупным планом!

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Через широкоугольный объектив!

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Пожалуйста, мистер Мерил.

ведь новости – это вся наша жизнь.

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Без них у нас ничего нет.

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Извините, дети.

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Вы должны гордиться тем, что вы сделали.

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Просто это типа как... обсосно.

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Сам ты обсосный!

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Пиццерия "Свистун Вилли"

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Господи... Мы ведь хорошо поработали над этим новым шоу.

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Очевидно, не имеет значения, хорошо ты работаешь или нет...

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Привет ребята, готовы посвистеть?

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Иди на х**, Свистун Вили. Мы не в настроении...

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Если вы хотите пиццу, вам придется посвистеть!

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Давайте!

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Вот, пожалуйста!

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Господи, я бы хотел, что б в Саут-Парке была Пицца Хат.

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Эй, смотри, Крейг зашел.

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- Смотри!

- Это Крейг! -Это он!

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Господи! И это из-за какого-то глупого шоу?

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О, привет пацаны!

Слышал, вашу новостную программу отменили.

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Иди отсоси, Крейг!

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Да, а я вот подписал со школой контракт.

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Они платят мне 6 долларов в неделю за то, чтобы я делал новые шоу.

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Для твоей идеи надо было вот столько мозгов.

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Это гораздо больше, чем у вас!

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Эй, всем по порции лимонада!

За мой счет!

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Кенни, какого хрена ты делаешь с этим уродом?!

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(Крейг просто попросил меня делать с ним шоу)

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Ты помогаешь Крейгу делать шоу?

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Не могу поверить, что ты нас так предал!

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Мы же всегда к тебе так хорошо относились!

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Хахахахахаха - мы будем делать новости,

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а тебе с нами нельзя,

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потому что ты бедный,

а бедняки не смотрят новости!

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Нананананана!

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А, ну и хрен с тобой, Кенни!

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Эй, ребят! Я принес новую серию

"Животных крупным планом через широкоугольный объектив"!

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Давайте посмотрим!

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Включай, включай скорее!

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Клево!

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Супер клево!

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Блин, я просто не понимаю...

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Вау, эти животные довольно милые!

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Токен!

Слушайте, пацаны!

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Мы слишком сильно старались, чтобы сейчас так просто все бросить

из-за Крейга и его тупого контракта со школой!

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Вместо того, чтобы жалеть себя, нам просто надо придумать, как сделать наше шоу лучше!

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Да если мы сможем повысить рейтинг к концу недели, он позволит нам остаться в эфире!

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Ну, чего же мы ждем?

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Пошли, пацаны!

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Так, нам всем надо придумывать идеи для нашего шоу.

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Как насчет другого названия?

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"Супер школьные новости" звучит скучно.

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Лучше будет "Сексуальные новости"!

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"Новости-Экшн"

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Да, "Сексуальный Экшн", это здорово!

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Может проблема в том, что у нас нет

интересного материала для репортажей.

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Да. Мы должны сами придумывать истории,

потому что тогда они будут намного интересней!

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Точно! Я могу соврать, что видел знаменитостей,

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а потом соврать о том, что они делали.

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Блин, Баттерс, запиши это!

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Врать... про...

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знаменитостей...

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Нам надо понравиться всем учащимся,

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поэтому нам нужны горячие девчонки для шестиклассников

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И панды для дошкольников.

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Отлично!

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Может нам надо убедить школьников,

что если они не будут смотреть наши новости, то умрут.

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Да! Мы должны сделать серию репортажей

об опасностях жизни.

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О господи!

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Ребят, а вы уверены, что это этично?

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Мы в 4-м классе, Джимми.

Мы даже не знаем, что значит слово этично..

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Отлично, команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей", за работу.

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Пошли делать репортажи!

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Вперед, команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей"!

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Токен, можно тебя на пару слов?

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Токен, я знаю, что ребятам сложно

с тобой заговорить на эту тему, но...

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ну, дело в том, что нам очень нужно

изменить весь твой телевизионный образ.

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А?

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Понимаешь, Токен, людям нравиться

видеть афро-американцев в новостях.

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Видеть Афро-американцев в новостях,

но не слышать.

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Поэтому все Афро-американцы, ведущие новости учатся говорить более...

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как бы сказать...?

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По-белому.

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Токен, все великие телеведущие-афро-американцы

научились прятать свой черный племенной акцент

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за более чистым белым диалектом.

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В этом нет ничего постыдного, и я думаю,

что это действительно поможет нашему рейтингу.

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Это внутренние телевидение Начальной школы Саут-парка.

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А теперь:

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"Сексуальные Экшн-новости"!

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Взорвется ли Саут-Парк из-за утечки метана?

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Подробнее об этом чуть позже.

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Но вначале Стен Марш расскажет

нам о новой форме у Изюминок!

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Эрик, их одежда стала еще более открытой,

оставляя очень мало простора для воображения.

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Если бы я был немного постарше,

то, без сомнения, возбудился бы.

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А сейчас, с прогнозом погоды, Токен Блэк,

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и, Токен, я надеюсь, что в нашу

сторону не надвигается никакого торнадо?

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Никаких торнадо, Эрик,

но, что интересно-

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фронт низкого давления принесет обильные метели.

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Так что стоит ожидать морозных дней.

00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:32,300

Школьный совет округа Саут Парк одобрил выделение дополнительных

средств на оборудование компьютерных классов, при...

00:08:32,335 --> 00:08:36,300

Подожди чуть-чуть, Джимми! Похоже, что у Кайла есть новости

о том, чем некоторые ученики любят заниматся в туалете!

00:08:36,335 --> 00:08:41,265

Эрик, по сообщению некоторых источников,

Пит Телман писает сидя, как девчонка.

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Мы также получили подтверждение информации о том,

что Салли Тюрнер подкладывает тряпки в лифчик,

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а у Клайда Донована только одно яйцо!

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Одно яйцо!

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Ну и раздолбай!

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О, похоже, время для минутки сумасшествия с пандами!

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минутка сумасшествия с пандами

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О, да, сумасшествие с пандами!

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А теперь, обратимся к репортажу о знаменитостях, с Баттерсом.

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Это не новости...

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это - травести...

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Итак, после моего репортажа об антисанитарных

условиях в школьном кафетерии,

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мы перейдем к репортажу Кайла о том,

как Брайан Тивс пытается загулять со Сьзан Фаркл.

00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,200

Потом надо показать репортаж Токена о том,

как глобальное потепление убьет всех в пятом классе.

00:09:23,235 --> 00:09:25,200

Офигенная идея, Стен!

00:09:25,235 --> 00:09:26,717

Отлично!

00:09:26,752 --> 00:09:28,165

Ребята!

00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,165

Ребята, у меня фантастические новости!

00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:34,800

Вице-президент, Дик Чейни, был вчера в Денвере,

и я взял у него интервью для нашей программы!

00:09:37,235 --> 00:09:39,165

Интервью с вице-президентом... хммм...

00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,165

Честно говоря, Джимми, я не знаю, как это будет к месту

00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,200

между репортажем о соревнованиях по поеданию пирога между девочками

из группы поддержки и рассказом о том, кто в школе носит грязные трусы.

00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:46,217

Но это настоящие новости!

00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,165

Это скучные новости, Джимми.

00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,200

Откуда ты знаешь,

ты же еще не видел!

00:09:50,235 --> 00:09:51,165

Ну хорошо, расскажи мне об этом.

00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:57,200

Ну, в интервью Дик Чейни говорит мне о том, как...

00:09:57,235 --> 00:09:59,200

О... Господи, как спать захотелось!

00:09:59,235 --> 00:10:01,200

Извини, о чем мы говорили?

00:10:01,235 --> 00:10:02,165

Послушайте, ребят,

00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,200

я очень недоволен тем, в каком направлении двигается наша передача.

00:10:05,235 --> 00:10:07,165

Мы отупляемем школьников!

00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,200

Нет Джимми, школьники уже тупы.

Мы просто даем им то, чего они хотят.

00:10:09,235 --> 00:10:11,200

Мы просто делаем новости более интересными для учащихся.

00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:13,165

Это не новости!

00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,165

Это тупая погоня за рейтингом!

00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:19,200

Да блин, наша журналистская ответственность в том,

чтобы доносить до школьников фаа...

00:10:19,235 --> 00:10:20,165

факты!

00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,165

Разве вы не видите, что мы наделали?

00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:26,200

Пытаясь соперничать с дебильным шоу Крейга,

мы устроили из новостей клоунаду!

00:10:26,235 --> 00:10:30,200

Я помню, как, когда мы начинали играть в репортеров,

мы давали друг другу клятву,

00:10:30,235 --> 00:10:34,200

что мы ничему и никогда не позволим угрожать нашей честности!

00:10:34,235 --> 00:10:35,165

Так вот – наша честность под угрозой!

00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,200

А если мы не можем делать правдивые репортажи,

00:10:38,235 --> 00:10:42,865

то зачем вообще заниматься новостями?

00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,200

Дети, прежде всего я хочу сказать, как я потрясен

вашей способностью добиваться более высоких рейтингов.

00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:59,200

Ваше шоу побило "Животных крупным планом через

широкоугольный объектив" на трех зрителей!

00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:03,165

O, супер!

00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,165

Я знал, что мы можем!

00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,165

Мы побили "Животных крупным планом"!

00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,200

Блин, это так клево.

Мы так старались стать первыми-

00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,165

О, иди сюда!

00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:14,000

Да, но, к сожалению, вы безнадежно

уступили по рейтингу новому шоу Крейга.

00:11:17,235 --> 00:11:18,165

Новому шоу Крейга?

00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,200

Все школьники его любят!

00:11:20,235 --> 00:11:22,165

Это невероятная идея

00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,200

под названием "Cнятые крупным планом

через широкоугольный объектив животные...

00:11:25,235 --> 00:11:27,017

в шляпах"!

00:11:28,052 --> 00:11:31,965

Посмотрите!

00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:42,200

Этот Крейг, блин, гений!

00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:45,165

Он просто... генератор идей!

00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,200

Это что, значит, что нас все еще должны отменить?

00:11:48,235 --> 00:11:51,165

Я боюсь все несколько хуже, дети.

00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,200

Мне придется поставить вам двойки по ТВ факультативу.

00:11:55,235 --> 00:11:59,200

Вам надо понять, насколько важны рейтинги.

00:11:59,235 --> 00:12:01,200

Эй, но мы старались изо всех сил!

00:12:01,235 --> 00:12:02,165

Да.

00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:07,200

И мне кажется, всех ваших сил оказалось недостаточно.

00:12:07,235 --> 00:12:08,165

Я не могу поверить!

00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,165

Я не могу получить неуд по этому факультативу!

00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,200

Мне нужно его сдать, чтобы не остаться на второй год!

00:12:12,235 --> 00:12:15,165

Тупой парик для новостей!

00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,165

Ребята. Вы что не видите?

Это доказывает мою мысль.

00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,165

Нам надо поднимать планку для наших идей, а не опускать ее.

00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:25,165

Да, Джимми прав. Я уверен, что мы можем

придумать гораздо лучшие идеи, чем Крейг!

00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:30,200

Да, все что нам нужно чтобы спасти наше шоу -

это придумать самую лучшую идею для выпуска!

00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,200

А что если мы сделаем шоу, в котором мы идем в-

00:12:41,235 --> 00:12:43,165

Нет...

00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,165

Как насчет того, что мы...

Хмм...

00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,165

Эй, что ни у кого нет никаких идей для шоу?

00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,200

А как насчет того, чтобы привести панд,

которые бы с нами танцевали?

00:12:53,235 --> 00:12:57,165

Мы уже делали это!

00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,165

Вау, придумывать идеи - это сложно...

00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:03,900

Слушайте, пацаны, если Крейг может это делать,

то и мы сможем! Давайте!

00:13:07,235 --> 00:13:13,200

Как насчет того, чтобы сделать шоу, где мы...

00:13:13,235 --> 00:13:15,165

Что если?

00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,200

Подождите, я придумал!

00:13:17,235 --> 00:13:18,217

Крабовый народ!

00:13:18,252 --> 00:13:19,165

Крабовый народ?

00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:24,165

Это полукрабы-полулюди, и они живут под землей.

00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,200

Чувак, мне кажется, мы можем придумать

что-нибудь получше крабового народа.

00:13:26,235 --> 00:13:28,717

Эй, я знаю! Нам нужно почитать комиксы!

00:13:28,752 --> 00:13:31,165

Я всегда нахожу в комиксах хорошие идеи!

00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,200

Баттерс, комиксы читают только обсосные дебилы!

00:13:34,235 --> 00:13:36,200

Да! Я все время их читаю!

00:13:36,235 --> 00:13:37,165

Вот например:

00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,200

улитка споткнулась о барьер, и другая улитка говорит:

00:13:40,235 --> 00:13:46,165

"Да, это добавит к ее времени еще час".

00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:50,600

Как насчет того, чтобы сделать шоу,

в котором мы убиваем Баттерса?

00:13:56,200 --> 00:14:00,600

И Дагвуд говорит:

"Хорошо, что мы играем в гольф у тебя дома"!

00:14:03,235 --> 00:14:04,165

Мы в безнадежном положении,

00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,200

у нас нет абсолютно никаких идей!

00:14:06,235 --> 00:14:07,200

У нас есть крабовый народ...

00:14:07,235 --> 00:14:08,165

это так, к слову...

00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,165

Подождите! Знаете, что нам надо сделать?

00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,200

Нам всем надо принять побольше таблеток от кашля!

00:14:12,235 --> 00:14:13,165

Таблеток от кашля?

00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,165

Так делают шестиклассники за школой на перемене.

00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:19,500

Они принимают слишком много таблеток от кашля,

потому что от этого у них в головах появляются всякие видения!

00:14:22,235 --> 00:14:26,165

Господи, да их тут так много!

00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,200

Как мы узнаем, какие надо использовать?

00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:31,165

Как насчет этих? "Калминекс"?

00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,200

Внимание: при превышении рекомендованной дозировки

может вызвать серьезные побочные эффекты.

00:14:35,235 --> 00:14:36,200

Звучит отлично!

00:14:36,235 --> 00:14:38,165

Ура!

00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,165

Могу я вам помочь, детки?

00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:44,200

Да, нам нужно вдохновение для новых идей,

поэтому мы собираемся выпить много таблеток от кашля.

00:14:44,235 --> 00:14:48,200

Нет, мальчики, вам это не поможет найти новые идеи!

00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,165

- Не поможет?

- Нет!

00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,165

Для этого вам нужен "Калминекс ПМ".

00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,200

Он содержит дексатримфан,

при высоких дозах вызывающий галлюцинации.

00:14:55,235 --> 00:14:56,165

О, о’кей!

00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:02,200

Если же вам нужен более быстрый и яркий кайф,

то я также продаю "Дейтаб" от простуды и гриппа.

00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,200

Также у меня есть очень сильный "Кортитуссин" от кашля и простуды,

00:15:05,235 --> 00:15:09,200

но это, конечно, только если вы хотите конкретно заторчать.

00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:10,165

Что вы думаете, ребят?

00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,200

Я думаю, мы просто возьмем их все.

00:15:12,235 --> 00:15:13,165

Вот это настрой!

00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:17,200

Отлично, ребятки,

мне только нужно разрешение от ваших родителей.

00:15:17,235 --> 00:15:22,165

Шутка! Я над вами просто прикалываюсь!

Проходите к кассе.

00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,200

О, похоже, не мы одни устраиваем

сегодня вечером небольшую вечеринку!

00:15:24,235 --> 00:15:26,165

Господи Иисусе!

00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,165

Мы не устраиваем вечеринку!

00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:32,200

А конечно, вы это покупаете,

потому что вас кашель замучил, да?

00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:37,717

Нас тоже.

00:15:37,752 --> 00:15:43,165

Иисусе!

00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:48,200

Отлично, так теперь каждый берет по блокноту и карандашу.

И когда начнут приходить идеи, просто записывайте их.

00:15:48,235 --> 00:15:50,165

Иначе мы можем что-нибудь забыть.

00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:55,200

Господи, жду не дождусь,

когда я стану умным и креативным!

00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:59,165

О, оно такое липкое и густое!

00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,200

Хм. У меня пока еще нет никаких идей.

00:16:02,235 --> 00:16:06,165

Стен?

00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,165

Эй, Стен, ты в порядке?

00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,200

Я думаю, может на него подействовало?

00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:14,165

Стен, к тебе приходят хорошие идеи?

00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,000

Ух-ты, Я чувствую себя типа как мяч для боулинга, ребят!

00:16:31,235 --> 00:16:35,800

Стен? Стен, пошли.

Мы собираемся найти лягушку.

00:16:48,235 --> 00:16:50,200

О Стен, я придумал лучшую идею!

00:16:50,235 --> 00:16:54,865

Я тоже!

00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:03,500

Эй! Давайте пробежим голыми по улице!

00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,165

Чувак, это шоу – просто офигенное!

00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,200

Да это самое великое шоу всех времен и народов.

00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:20,200

Я могу его круглыми сутками смотреть.

00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,165

Клево!

00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,200

Супер клево!

00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:46,400

Пацаны!

Пацаны, проснитесь!

00:17:46,435 --> 00:17:47,917

Баттерс, слезь с меня!

00:17:47,952 --> 00:17:49,365

Господи, где моя одежда?

00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,400

Мы съели кучу лекарств от кашля, чтобы придумать

идеи для нашего шоу! Я ничего не придумал.

00:17:53,435 --> 00:17:55,400

А, я придумал! Я что-то записал!

00:17:55,435 --> 00:17:57,365

Вот!

00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,365

Изогнутая линия и круг.

00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:03,400

Я записал текст песенки из Счастливых дней..

00:18:03,435 --> 00:18:05,400

Пацаны, мы всю ночь смотрели шоу Крейга.

00:18:05,435 --> 00:18:07,365

Да. Это было клево.

00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,365

Нет, но вы что, не понимаете?

00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,400

Раньше оно нам не казалось клеевым!

00:18:10,435 --> 00:18:11,365

Мне кажется, теперь я понимаю!

00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,400

Мне кажется, я знаю почему у шоу Крейга такой высокий рейтинг!

00:18:14,435 --> 00:18:17,400

Половина школы сидит на таблетках от кашля!

00:18:17,435 --> 00:18:19,400

Господи, наверное, ты прав!

00:18:19,435 --> 00:18:20,365

Ребята, это наш шанс!

00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,365

Приведите свои парики в порядок.

00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:27,400

Пришло время провести самое потрясающее

журналистское расследование в нашей карьере!

00:18:27,435 --> 00:18:31,400

Это внутренние телевидение Начальной школы Саут-парка.

00:18:31,435 --> 00:18:32,365

А теперь:

00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,900

"Сексуальные Экшн-новости", специальный репортаж:

00:18:35,935 --> 00:18:39,365

злоупотребление лекарствами от кашля в школе!

00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,400

Расследование проведено командой "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей"!

00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:46,417

Этот репортаж нельзя пропустить!

00:18:46,452 --> 00:18:50,365

А теперь с нами Рик Картман!

00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,365

Это называется сиропом от кашля, лекарством от кашля,

таблетками от простуды и гриппа.

00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,400

Но за закрытыми дверями начальной школы Саут Парка

у этих лекарств есть еще и уличные прозвища:

00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:59,400

шлюшка... “вввеселый сок”.... “тттигер ням-ням”....

00:18:59,435 --> 00:19:01,365

Здравствуйте, я Рик Картман.

00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,400

Команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей"

покажет вам темный и одинокий мир

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,400

злоупотребления лекарствами от кашля.

00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:09,900

Они делают это в коридорах.

00:19:09,935 --> 00:19:11,865

За школой.

00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,400

Эй, убирайся отсюда, козел *баный!

00:19:13,435 --> 00:19:15,400

Даже в женском туалете?

00:19:15,435 --> 00:19:17,365

Кто там?

00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,365

Я на вас донесу!

00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,400

Мы показали шокирующие кадры директору Виктории.

00:19:21,435 --> 00:19:22,365

О, боже мой!

00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,365

Директор Виктория,

00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:28,400

вы можете объяснить, почему ваша

администрация не заметила эту проблему?

00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:29,365

Ну... я... мы...

00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,365

Так где же школьники получают все эти лекарства от кашля?

00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:37,400

На этих кадрах, снятых в рамках нашего расследования вы видите,

как группа детей получает дурь от аптекаря!

00:19:37,435 --> 00:19:42,365

Команда "Сексуальных Экшн-новостей" донесла на аптекаря

полиции Саут-парка, и он был незамедлительно арестован.

00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:47,400

Компании-производители лекарств от кашля заявляют о том, что их продукция

не предназначена для того, чтобы дети использовали ее в качестве наркотика.

00:19:47,435 --> 00:19:49,400

Но один лишь взгляд на упаковку доказывает обратное.

00:19:49,435 --> 00:19:52,365

"Терадил ДМ" - для детей!

00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,365

"Декса" от кашля, детская формула!

00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,400

А теперь, с коротким сообщением о

наблюдении за знаменитостями, Баттерс Стотч:

00:19:58,435 --> 00:20:01,365

Все еще никаких знаменитостей, Эрик.

Я буду продолжать наблюдение!

00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,900

Еще недавно проблема с лекарствами от кашля также

остро стояла в начальной школе соседнего Мидл-Парка.

00:20:04,935 --> 00:20:06,865

Но там были предприняты меры!

00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:10,400

Они полностью очистили свой город от лекарств от кашля,

и теперь мы видим счастливую школу,

00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:15,400

на сто процентов избавленную от лекарств от кашля!

00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:26,400

Дети, я хочу поздравить вас с возможно самой лучшей работой

на школьном телевидении, которую я когда-либо видел.

00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:30,400

Вы не только заставили всех школьников

и меня самого слезть с лекарств от кашля,

00:20:30,435 --> 00:20:32,917

но также получили рейтинг 22!

00:20:32,952 --> 00:20:35,365

Двадцать два человека? Отлично!

00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,365

Вы хотели со мной увидеться, мистер Мерил?

00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:41,400

О, да, Крейг.

Похоже, рейтинг твоего шоу очень сильно упал.

00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,400

Господи, какое совпадение.

00:20:44,435 --> 00:20:46,365

Интересно, почему?

00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,400

Тебе необходимо понять, насколько важен рейтинг, Крейг

00:20:48,435 --> 00:20:51,365

поэтому я собираюсь отстранить тебе от учебы

00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,400

и попросить о том, чтобы у тебя

были хирургическим путем удалены яйца.

00:20:54,435 --> 00:20:56,365

Ха-ха! Получил, Крейг?!

00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,365

Ребята, ваше шоу утверждено еще на 27 новых выпусков.

00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,400

Я хочу, что бы вы придумали что-нибудь

даже получше репортажа о лекарствах от кашля.

00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:05,400

За работу!

00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:13,365

Ни у кого нет никаких идей?

00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,400

Это отстой. Я не хочу, что бы мне постоянно

надо было придумывать новые идеи для шоу

00:21:16,435 --> 00:21:19,400

У меня голова от этого болит.

00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,900

Чуваки, забьем?

00:21:22,935 --> 00:21:25,400

Давайте забьем...

00:21:25,435 --> 00:21:26,917

Забьем!

00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:28,400

Да! Забьем!

00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,387

♪ gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,015

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,061

♪ gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,521

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,480

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,690

♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,281

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:31,949

♪ and meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,038

This is

closed circuit television

00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,373

for South Park

Elementary School.

00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,751

And now...

"Super School News".

00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:46,130

The news made for students

by students.

00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,299

Welcome to

Super School News.

00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,592

I'm Jimmy Valmer.

00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,135

And I'm Rick Cartman.

00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,136

The price of milk money

will go up next month

00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,638

to forty nine cents.

00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:55,639

The school claims

the added money is due to

00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,767

the cow shortage

in South Park county.

00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,393

Parent-teacher conferences

will be held

00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,145

this Wednesday night

from seven to nine.

00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,522

So kids, get a lot of playing

in before you get grounded.

00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,774

And now for a look

at what's on the menu

00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,734

for school lunch today,

here's Stan Marsh.

00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,486

Eric, it looks as though

the school will be serving

00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,029

a chicken cutlet.

00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:11,864

Now that's traditionally

a white meat chicken breast,

00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,825

if you will, that has been

breaded and then cooked.

00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,243

I've been told there will

also be tater tots

00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,703

and a vegetable dish.

00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,872

This is really shaping up

to be uh, one fantastic lunch.

00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,665

Eric?

00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,334

Hard-hitting reporting

Stan, thanks a lot.

00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,251

And now here with

the celebrity watch

00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,503

is Butters Stotch.

00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,046

Butters, seen any

celebrities lately?

00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,006

No, not yet.

00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,424

I've been standing out

in front of the school

00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,801

for about two hours now

00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,511

and I haven't seen

any celebrities.

00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:34,929

About thirty minutes ago,

00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,306

I thought I saw

Sigourney Weaver...

00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,558

B-b-ut, uh, turns out

it was a dead horse.

00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,810

Alright, Butters,

keep your eyes open.

00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,852

Will do.

00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:44,188

More snow

for South P-park?

00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:47,358

Here's Token Black

with the weather.

00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:48,818

Jimmy and Eric, it looks

like a massive snow storm

00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:49,944

is heading

South Park's way.

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,153

I asked my dad

last night,

00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,113

and he said

he heard the snowstorm

00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:54,782

is expected

on Tuesday, guys.

00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:55,866

Kyle Broflovski

now joins us

00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:56,992

for a look

at sports.

00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,119

And Kyle, the girls'

basketball team

00:01:58,244 --> 00:01:59,620

just can't

get it right.

00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,705

Another devastating loss

for the Cows last night, Eric.

00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,040

They were ahead in the game

until Kelly Anderson

00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,708

started crying because

she missed her daddy

00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,544

who is on a business trip

in Thailand.

00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:08,337

Kelly was so upset

she couldn't play

00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,797

and the Cows

had to forfeit.

00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,674

The Cows are on

a six and 0 slide

00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,843

since Kelly's father left

for that business trip.

00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,427

And that's all for

Super School News!

00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:21,100

Enjoy your day at

South Park E-e-el-

00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:22,935

Elementary.

00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,814

And we're... Cut!

00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:28,482

Alright, nice reporting

guys, nice.

00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,900

Boy that was

a great episode!

00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,402

Yeah, I think that was

one of our best shows yet.

00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:34,405

Boys, I'm afraid

I have some bad news.

00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,907

The school has to

cancel your show.

00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,075

What?

00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,869

For God's sake

why, Mr. Maryl?

00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,538

Well the students

just aren't watching it.

00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,874

Your rating was only

a four this whole week.

00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,333

How many

students is that?

00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,295

Four, four students

watch your show.

00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:52,506

And meanwhile, Craig's show

is getting a fifty-seven.

00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,508

Craig's show?

00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,801

What is that butthole

doing now?

00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,261

Oh, it's brilliant.

00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,680

It's all just video

footage of animals

00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,849

close-up with

a wide angle lens.

00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:05,477

Animals close-up

with a wide angle lens.

00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,575

But that's... that's crap,

that's not even TV!

00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,035

It's what

the students want.

00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,745

And its cheaper

to make than your show.

00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,872

Just one person

and a video camera.

00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,123

Craig is a genius.

00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,208

Sorry, kids.

00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:28,918

But, Mr. Maryl,

00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:30,586

we're trying to bring

the news to the students.

00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:31,795

They need to know

the facts

00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:33,505

and our news team

delivers them, very much.

00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:36,050

Kids don't care about

the news, boys.

00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:37,259

It's boring.

00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,844

Kids want

to see animals...

00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:39,887

close-up...

00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,639

with a

wide angle lens.

00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,557

Please, Mr. Maryl,

the news is our life.

00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,892

Without it

we have nothing.

00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,268

I'm sorry, kids.

00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,604

You should be proud

of what you've done.

00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,731

It's just that

it's kind of gay.

00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,237

You're gay!

00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:02,952

Gee wiz...

00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,037

We sure worked hard

on that news show.

00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,080

Apparently it doesn't

matter how hard you work.

00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,667

Hello boys, ready to

do some whistlin?

00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,923

Fuck off, Whistlin' Willie,

we're not in the mood.

00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,884

If you want your pizza

you gotta whistle!

00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,222

Come on!

00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,939

There ya' go!

00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,817

God, I wish we had

a Pizza Hut in South Park.

00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,402

Hey look, Craig

just walked in.

00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,909

Jesus all that for

a stupid video show.

00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,329

Oh hey guys, heard about

your news show being canceled.

00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,081

Go play with

yourself, Craig.

00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,208

Yeah, well, I got an overall

deal with the school.

00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,960

They're paying me

six dollars a week

00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,086

to come up

with new shows.

00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,171

Your idea took about

this much thought, Craig.

00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,091

This much more

than you had.

00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,218

Hey a round of root beers

for everyone, on me!

00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,347

Kenny!

00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,807

What the hell are you

doing with this asshole?

00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,517

Mrph rhmhphm rm.

00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,935

You're helping Craig

make his show?

00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,895

I can't believe you

would betray us like that!

00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,522

We've always been

super cool to you!

00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,815

♪ Ha ha ha ha

haaaa ha ♪

00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,941

♪ We're gonna

do a news show ♪

00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,234

♪ and you can't

do it with us ♪

00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,736

♪ because you

are too poor ♪

00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,195

♪ and poor people

don't watch the news ♪

00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,197

♪ Nya nya nya

nya nyaaaa nya ♪

00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,493

Oh whatever, Kenny!

00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,704

Hey gang, I brought

the new episode of

00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:29,788

"Wide Angle

Close-up Animals"!

00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:30,706

Woo-hoo! Yayyy!

- Let's see!

00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,250

Put it up on

the monitors!

00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,300

Cute!

00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,429

Super cute!

00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,973

God, I just

don't get it.

00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,600

Wow... those animals

are pretty cute.

00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,934

Token--now

come on guys!

00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,186

We've worked

too hard

00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,270

to just roll over

for Craig and his

00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,730

stupid overall deal.

00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,148

Instead of sitting here

feeling sorry for ourselves,

00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,274

we just need

to figure out

00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,650

how to make

our show better!

00:05:58,776 --> 00:05:59,777

Yeah... maybe if we

can get higher ratings

00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:00,861

by the end

of the week

00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,321

they'll let us

stay on the air!

00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,614

Well what are we

waitin' for?

00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,407

Come on, guys!

00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,038

Alright, we all need to

come up with ideas

00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,581

for our show.

00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,583

How about

we revamp the name...

00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,876

"Super School News"

sounds dry.

00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,419

It should

be Sexy News.

00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,629

Action News!

00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:19,755

Yeah, Sexy Action,

that's good.

00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,548

Maybe the problem is

we don't have

00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:22,966

very good stories

to report on.

00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,510

Right... we should

make up stories

00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,844

because they'll be

far more interesting.

00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,679

Hey yeah!

00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,139

I could say I saw celebrities

even though I didn't

00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,433

and then lie about

what I saw them doing!

00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,102

Nice, Butters,

write that down!

00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:37,481

"Lie... about...celebrities".

00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:38,607

We have to appeal

to all the students.

00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,818

So we need hot girls

for the sixth graders--

00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:41,568

--and panda bears

for the preschoolers.

00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,486

Good.

00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:43,695

Maybe we need

to make students think

00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,446

they have to watch

our news show

00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,656

or they'll die!

00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,157

Yeah, we should make up

a bunch of reports

00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:48,700

about how dangerous

it is to be alive!

00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:49,868

Oh boy!

00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:53,122

Fellas, are you sure

all of this is e-e-ethical?

00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,123

We're in

fourth grade, Jimmy.

00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,582

We don't even know

what ethical means!

00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:56,917

Alright, Sexy Action

School News team

00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,168

it's time

to go to work!

00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,336

Get out there

and get some stories!

00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,256

Sexy Action

School News team, ho!

00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,386

Uh, Token, can I have

a quick word with you?

00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,305

Look, Token... I know

the guys are having trouble

00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,598

bringing this

up with you, but...

00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,268

Well the thing is, Token,

00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,311

we really need to revamp

your whole TV persona.

00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,147

Huh?

00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,148

You see, Token,

people really enjoy

00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,984

seeing African Americans

on the news.

00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,279

Seeing African Americans

on the news

00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,196

not hearing them.

00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,157

That's why, all

African American news people

00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,993

learn to talk more...

how should I say...

00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,079

white.

00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,914

Token, all the great

African American news people

00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,833

have learned to hide their

'ebonic tribespeak'

00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,918

with a more pure

caucasian dialect.

00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,378

There is no

shame in it

00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,464

and I really think

it will help our ratings.

00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,260

This is South Park Elementary

closed circuit television.

00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636

And now...

00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:55,309

Eyewitness

Sexy Action School News!

00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,311

Is South Park Elementary

about to explode

00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:58,562

from a methane gas leak?

00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,314

More on that later,

but first,

00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,940

Stan Marsh has a look

at some new outfits

00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,192

for the Raisins girls!

00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,321

Eric, the outfits are

even skimpier than before

00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,739

leaving very little

to the imagination.

00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,324

No doubt that if

I were a little older

00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,117

I would be aroused.

00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,286

And now for

a look at the weather.

00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:15,579

Here is Token Black.

00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:16,872

And Token, I hope

there are no tornadoes

00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,207

headed our way.

00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,792

No, tornadoes, Eric

but interestingly enough

00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,419

there is a

low pressure storm

00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,087

moving in over

the Park County valley

00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,090

should bring us

some chilly days ahead.

00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,885

The Park County

school board

00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,220

has approved

a bigger budget

00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,304

for the computer lab in--

00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,805

Ooh hang on, Jimmy!

00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,890

Looks like

Kyle has the dish

00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,183

on some students

bathroom habits! Kyle.

00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,601

Eric, sources

are speculating

00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,311

that third grade student

Pete Bellman

00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,979

pees sitting down

like a girl.

00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,314

We've also

got confirmation

00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,398

that Sally Turner

stuffs her bra

00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,817

and Clyde Donovan

has only one testicle.

00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,612

Ha-ha-ha-haa

one testicle!

00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:51,490

Ha-ha-ha

what an asshole!

00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,828

Oh-oh, looks like it's

Panda Bear Madness Minute!

00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041

Oh yeah,

Panda Bear Madness!

00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,125

And now...

let's get a look at

00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,336

Celebrity Dish gossip

with Butters!

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:09,383

This isn't the news,

this is a t-t-t-travesty.

00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,596

Alright, so after

my report on

00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,140

the unsanitary conditions

of the school cafeteria

00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,642

we'll go to Kyle for

the story on Brian Teebs

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,435

trying to make out

with Susan Farkle.

00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,270

Then let's do

Token's report

00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,437

on how global warming

is going to kill

00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,522

everyone in

the fifth grade.

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,899

That is a

terrific idea, Stan.

00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,317

A-OK!

00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,112

Fellas, fellas, I've

got fantastic news.

00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,030

The vice president,

Dick Cheney,

00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,282

was in

Denver yesterday,

00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,867

and I got an interview

with him for our news show!

00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,663

Umm, an interview

with the vice president...

00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,623

Frankly, Jimmy I don't

know how we're going to

00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,083

fit that in between

cheerleader pie eating

00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751

and Who's Got

Skid Marks Monday.

00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,461

But this is

real news.

00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,963

It's boring news, Jimmy.

00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,965

How do you know,

you haven't seen it yet!

00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,383

Alright,

tell me about it.

00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,468

In the interview,

Mr. Cheney tells me all about how--

00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:59,474

Oh... oh God,

I just got so sleepy.

00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,310

I'm sorry, what were

you talking about?

00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,478

Look, f-f-fellas

I've got a real problem

00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,439

with the direction

our news show is going.

00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,940

We're dumbing down

the school.

00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,483

No, Jimmy, the school

is already dumb

00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,484

we're just giving them

what they want.

00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,570

We're making the news

more appealing to students.

00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,322

This isn't the news!

00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,490

This is a b-b-bastardized

quest for ratings.

00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,826

Dammit, we have a

journalistic responsibility

00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,495

to bring students

the f-facts.

00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,122

Don't you see

what we've done?

00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,875

In our effort to compete with

Craig's small-minded show

00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,752

we've make a mockery

of news reporting.

00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,503

I remember when we all

made an oath to each other

00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,631

way back when we started

playing news reporters

00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,216

that we would never let anything

jeopardize our integrity.

00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,510

Well our integrity

is jeopardized...

00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,138

And if we can't

report news the honest way...

00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,641

What good is

news reporting?

00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,441

Boys, first of all

I want to tell you

00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:53,570

how impressed I am with your

ability to get more ratings.

00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,448

Your show beat "Close-up Animals

With a Wide Angle Lens"

00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,533

by three viewers!

00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:02,329

Alright!!

- Wohoo!

00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,955

I knew we

could do it!

00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,040

We beat

"Close-up Animals"!

00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:05,957

Oh man, it's

so great!

00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,793

We-we worked so hard

to be on the top-

00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:09,252

oh come here, you!

00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,254

Yes, but unfortunately

00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,964

you got crushed

in the ratings

00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,883

by Craig's new show.

00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,428

Craig's new show?

00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,971

All the students

love it.

00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,307

It's an

incredible idea called

00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851

"Close-up Animals

With a Wide Angle Lens

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,603

Wearing Hats".

00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,355

Take a look.

00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,910

That Craig is a

freakin' genius, I tell you.

00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,788

He's like...

an idea machine.

00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:48,458

Does this mean we're

still gonna get canceled?

00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,836

I'm afraid its worse

than that boys.

00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,963

I'm going to have to

give you all "F"s

00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,798

in extra curricular A/V class.

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,760

You have to learn now

how important ratings are.

00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,138

But... we

gave it our best.

00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:06,226

Yes, ♪ and I guess your best

wasn't good enough ♪

00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979

I don't believe it.

00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,230

I can't lose this extra

curricular credit!

00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,732

I need it to

pass fourth grade.

00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,775

Stupid news hair.

00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,196

F-fellas, don't you see,

this proves my point.

00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,491

We have to elevate

our ideas up, not down.

00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,618

Yeah, Jimmys right. I know we

can come up with

00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,911

way better ideas

than Craig.

00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,289

Yeah. To save our show,

all we need to do...

00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,915

is come up with

the best idea

00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,959

for an episode ever.

00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,219

What if we do

a show where we...

00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,846

Ah... no...

00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:47,017

How about we

have us, um... hmmm...

00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,978

Come on doesn't anybody

have any show ideas?

00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,188

How about we

get panda bears

00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,023

and have them dance

around with us!

00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,484

We did that.

00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,571

Wow, coming up

with ideas is hard.

00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,615

Look, you guys, if Craig

can do it, we can do it.

00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,407

Come on!

00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:12,083

How about we do

a show with us... uh...

00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:15,504

The uh... what if...

00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,089

Wait, I've got it...

crab people.

00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,341

Crab people?

00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,550

They're like

half crab, half people

00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,552

and they live

below the ground.

00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:25,096

Dude, I think we can

do a little better

00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,681

than crab people.

00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,600

I know, we should

read the funnies!

00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,186

I always get good ideas

from the funnies!

00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,230

Butters, only gay little

dweebs read the funnies.

00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,440

Yeah, I read 'em

all the time!

00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,858

Here's one!

00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,819

The... snail

tripped over a hurdle

00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,403

and the other

snail says,

00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,697

"well, that's gonna add

another hour to his time!"

00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:43,907

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,617

You guys?

00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,037

How about we do a show

where we kill Butters?

00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:52,958

Ha ha...

00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,711

So Dagwood says,

00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,341

"good... goo..good thing we're playing

the back nine at your house".

00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,092

Ha ha ha ha!

00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,512

We're hopelessly stuck,

completely out of ideas.

00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,721

We have

crab people.

00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,764

Just sayin'...

00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,266

Wait -- you know

what we should do?

00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,685

We should all take

a bunch of cough medicine.

00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:12,686

Cough medicine?

00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,687

That's what

the sixth graders do

00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,729

behind the school

at recess.

00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,356

They take way

too much cough medicine

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316

cuz they say it makes them

see things in their heads.

00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:25,407

Gee wiz, there

sure is a lot of em...

00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,492

How do we know

which one to use?

00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:30,579

How about this

one Colminex.

00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,831

"Warning, taking more

than recommended amount

00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583

can cause severe

side effects."

00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,750

That sounds perfect!

00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,335

B-bingo.

00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,713

Can I help

you boys?

00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,424

Yeah, we need to come up

with some ideas and inspiration

00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,009

so we were gonna drink

a bunch of cough medicine.

00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:44,885

Whoa, boys!

00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,512

That's not what you need

to come up with ideas!

00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,722

It's not?

00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,683

No, what you want

is the Colminex PM.

00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,727

It has the

dextrimatphan in it

00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,437

that causes hallucinations

in large doses.

00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,688

Oh okay.

00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,939

Now, if it's

more of a lucid,

00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,316

speedy kind of high

you're looking for,

00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:01,526

I do also carry the

Daytap Cold and Flu.

00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,278

Then there's the

maximum strength

00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,738

Codatussin Cough 'n Cold.

00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,866

But of course, that's only if

you really want to trip balls.

00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493

What do you

think, fellas?

00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,870

I guess we'll just

take all of them.

00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,787

That's the spirit...

00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,873

Alright boys, I'll just need

your parents permission.

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,919

Kidding, I'm just

pullin' your legs.

00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,253

Come on over

to the register!

00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,006

Oh, looks like

somebody else

00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,716

is doing a little

partying tonight!

00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,509

Oh, Jesus Christ!

00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:27,928

We aren't

having a party.

00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,095

Oh yeah sure!

00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,972

You're just buying that

for your bad coughs, right?

00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,851

Us too!

00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:36,728

Ooh, Jesus!

00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,237

Alright, now everybody

take a tablet and a pencil

00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,322

and when all the ideas

start coming

00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,740

just write 'em down.

00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,325

We might not remember

everything otherwise.

00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,495

Oh boy, I can't wait

to be creative and smart!

00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,332

Ooh, it's all

thick and gooey...

00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,336

Huh... I don't

have any ideas yet.

00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,882

Stan?

00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,385

Dude, Stan,

you alright?

00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,679

I think maybe

he's feelin' it.

00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,764

Stan, are you

getting good ideas?

00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:17,811

Woah... I'm feelin kinda

bowling ballish, fellas.

00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:28,947

Woof-woof!

00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,740

Woof-woof!

00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,409

Stan... Stan come on.

00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,494

We're gonna

go find a frog.

00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,625

We're sorry...

00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,760

Oh dude, I just had

the best idea!

00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:51,845

Me too!

00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,564

Hey, let's run naked

through the street!

00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,866

Dude, this TV show

is awesome...

00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,411

It's... the greatest

show of all time...

00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,204

I could watch

this for days...

00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,008

Cute...

00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,510

Super cute...

00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:44,230

You guys...

you guys wake up!

00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,356

Ergh... agh!

00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,817

Butters get away

from me!

00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,444

Oh Jesus, where

are my clothes?

00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,487

We took a bunch

of cough medicine

00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,322

to come up with

ideas for our show.

00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,823

I didn't come up

with anything!

00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,867

I did, I wrote

something down...

00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,245

Here it is... uh...

squiggly line, circle.

00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,538

I wrote down...

00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,124

All the lyrics to

the "Happy Days" theme song.

00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,959

You guys... we watched

Craig's show all night long.

00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,045

Yeah, it was great.

00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,338

But don't you see?

00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,964

We didn't think

it was great before!

00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,591

I think

I understand now.

00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,719

I think I know why Craig's show

gets such great ratings!

00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,472

Half the school

is high on cough medicine!

00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,265

Jesus, you

may be right.

00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,934

Fellas, this

is our chance!

00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,435

Everyone get your hair looking

as fantastic as possible!

00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,895

It's time for us to do

00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,271

the most incredible

investigative news report

00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,190

of our journalistic lives!

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,025

This is

closed circuit television

00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,194

for South Park

Elementary School.

00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,780

And now...

A Sexy Action News team

00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,240

Special Report!

00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:39,160

Cough medicine

abuse in school.

00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,704

With the Sexy Action

School News team.

00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,249

It's the report

you can't afford to miss.

00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,795

And now here is

Rick Cartman.

00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,631

They call it cough syrup,

cough medicine,

00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,424

cold and flu remedy.

00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,343

But behind closed doors

at South Park Elementary

00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,427

it also has

a street name:

00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:59,848

coogie, wombat juice,

tigger yum yum.

00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,683

Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.

00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,101

Today the Sexy Action School

news team

00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,019

takes you inside

the dark and lonely world

00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,230

of cough medicine abuse.

00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,606

They're doing it

in the hallways.

00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:09,607

Agh!

00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,234

Behind the school.

00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,319

Hey, get outta here

you fucking dork.

00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,988

Even, in the

girl's bathroom.

00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:19,159

Is somebody in there?

I'll tell on you!

00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,994

We showed the shocking footage

to the principal--

00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,579

Oh my goodness...

00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,289

Principal Victoria,

can you explain

00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,208

how your administration

failed to see this p-pr-

00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,251

problem?

00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,836

Well, I... we...

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,880

So where are students getting

all this cough medicine?

00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:32,922

This surveillance footage

00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,215

shows a group of

troubled kids

00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,300

getting all

the smack they want

00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,634

from a pharmacist!

00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,012

Sexy Action School News

reported the pharmacist

00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,013

to the South Park police

00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,556

and he was

immediately arrested.

00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,308

The cough medicine

companies claim

00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,559

they don't intend

for their product

00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,644

to be used by kids

to get high.

00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,063

But one look at

the packaging tells otherwise-

00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:52,025

"Theradryl DM for kids"

00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,819

"Dexacough

Children's Formula".

00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,571

And now for a quick

celebrity check

00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,906

here's Butters Stotch.

00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,365

Still no

celebrities, Eric.

00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,826

I'll keep

my eyes open.

00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,411

The cough medicine problem

used to also run rampant

00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,538

in neighboring

Middle Park Elementary.

00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,915

But they took action.

00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,041

Ridded their entire town

of cough medicine.

00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,127

And what we see now,

is a happier school

00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,213

one hundred percent

cough medicine free.

00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,554

Boys, I want to

congratulate you

00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,390

on what is perhaps the finest

piece of student television

00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,351

I have ever seen.

00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,727

Not only did you get

00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,355

all the students and

myself off of cough medicine

00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,565

but you got a twenty two

in the ratings!

00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,234

Twenty two people?

00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,693

Alright!

00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,362

You wanted to

see me, Mr. Maryl?

00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:38,988

Oh, yes, Craig.

00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,949

It appears that

the ratings for your show

00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,659

are down

significantly.

00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,035

Gee, what a

coincidence.

00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,246

I wonder w-w-why.

00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,790

You need to know how

important ratings are, Craig.

00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,792

So I'm going to

suspend you from school

00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,878

and request that you have your

testicles removed surgically.

00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,089

Ha ha, in your

face Craig!

00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,925

You boys are approved

for twenty seven new shows!

00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:01,469

I want you to come up

with an even better idea

00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,720

than the

cough medicine story.

00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:03,805

Get to it!

00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:12,188

Nobody... has any ideas?

00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,148

This sucks.

00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,233

I don't wanna keep having to

come up with ideas

00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,443

for shows all the time,

it hurts my head.

00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,156

Dude... bail?

00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,909

I think bail.

00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:25,952

Bail.

00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,954

Yep, b-b-bail.

00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,387

♪ gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,015

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,061

♪ gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,521

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:21,480

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,690

♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,863

♪ [muffled] ♪

00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,281

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:31,949

♪ and meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,038

This is

closed circuit television

00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,373

for South Park

Elementary School.

00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,751

And now...

"Super School News".

00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:46,130

The news made for students

by students.

00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,299

Welcome to

Super School News.

00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,592

I'm Jimmy Valmer.

00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,135

And I'm Rick Cartman.

00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,136

The price of milk money

will go up next month

00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,638

to forty nine cents.

00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:55,639

The school claims

the added money is due to

00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:57,767

the cow shortage

in South Park county.

00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,393

Parent-teacher conferences

will be held

00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,145

this Wednesday night

from seven to nine.

00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,522

So kids, get a lot of playing

in before you get grounded.

00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,774

And now for a look

at what's on the menu

00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,734

for school lunch today,

here's Stan Marsh.

00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,486

Eric, it looks as though

the school will be serving

00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,029

a chicken cutlet.

00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:11,864

Now that's traditionally

a white meat chicken breast,

00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,825

if you will, that has been

breaded and then cooked.

00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,243

I've been told there will

also be tater tots

00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,703

and a vegetable dish.

00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,872

This is really shaping up

to be uh, one fantastic lunch.

00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,665

Eric?

00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,334

Hard-hitting reporting

Stan, thanks a lot.

00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,251

And now here with

the celebrity watch

00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,503

is Butters Stotch.

00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,046

Butters, seen any

celebrities lately?

00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,006

No, not yet.

00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,424

I've been standing out

in front of the school

00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,801

for about two hours now

00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,511

and I haven't seen

any celebrities.

00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:34,929

About thirty minutes ago,

00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,306

I thought I saw

Sigourney Weaver...

00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,558

B-b-ut, uh, turns out

it was a dead horse.

00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,810

Alright, Butters,

keep your eyes open.

00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,852

Will do.

00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:44,188

More snow

for South P-park?

00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:47,358

Here's Token Black

with the weather.

00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:48,818

Jimmy and Eric, it looks

like a massive snow storm

00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:49,944

is heading

South Park's way.

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,153

I asked my dad

last night,

00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,113

and he said

he heard the snowstorm

00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:54,782

is expected

on Tuesday, guys.

00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:55,866

Kyle Broflovski

now joins us

00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:56,992

for a look

at sports.

00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,119

And Kyle, the girls'

basketball team

00:01:58,244 --> 00:01:59,620

just can't

get it right.

00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,705

Another devastating loss

for the Cows last night, Eric.

00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,040

They were ahead in the game

until Kelly Anderson

00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,708

started crying because

she missed her daddy

00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,544

who is on a business trip

in Thailand.

00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:08,337

Kelly was so upset

she couldn't play

00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,797

and the Cows

had to forfeit.

00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,674

The Cows are on

a six and 0 slide

00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,843

since Kelly's father left

for that business trip.

00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,427

And that's all for

Super School News!

00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:21,100

Enjoy your day at

South Park E-e-el-

00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:22,935

Elementary.

00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,814

And we're... Cut!

00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:28,482

Alright, nice reporting

guys, nice.

00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:29,900

Boy that was

a great episode!

00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,402

Yeah, I think that was

one of our best shows yet.

00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:34,405

Boys, I'm afraid

I have some bad news.

00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:36,907

The school has to

cancel your show.

00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,075

What?

00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,869

For God's sake

why, Mr. Maryl?

00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,538

Well the students

just aren't watching it.

00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,874

Your rating was only

a four this whole week.

00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,333

How many

students is that?

00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,295

Four, four students

watch your show.

00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:52,506

And meanwhile, Craig's show

is getting a fifty-seven.

00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,508

Craig's show?

00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,801

What is that butthole

doing now?

00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,261

Oh, it's brilliant.

00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,680

It's all just video

footage of animals

00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,849

close-up with

a wide angle lens.

00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:05,477

Animals close-up

with a wide angle lens.

00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,575

But that's... that's crap,

that's not even TV!

00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,035

It's what

the students want.

00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,745

And its cheaper

to make than your show.

00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,872

Just one person

and a video camera.

00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,123

Craig is a genius.

00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:27,208

Sorry, kids.

00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:28,918

But, Mr. Maryl,

00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:30,586

we're trying to bring

the news to the students.

00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:31,795

They need to know

the facts

00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:33,505

and our news team

delivers them, very much.

00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:36,050

Kids don't care about

the news, boys.

00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:37,259

It's boring.

00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,844

Kids want

to see animals...

00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:39,887

close-up...

00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,639

with a

wide angle lens.

00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,557

Please, Mr. Maryl,

the news is our life.

00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,892

Without it

we have nothing.

00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,268

I'm sorry, kids.

00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,604

You should be proud

of what you've done.

00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,731

It's just that

it's kind of gay.

00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:56,237

You're gay!

00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:02,952

Gee wiz...

00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,037

We sure worked hard

on that news show.

00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,080

Apparently it doesn't

matter how hard you work.

00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,667

Hello boys, ready to

do some whistlin?

00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:13,379

[whistlin' merrily]

00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,923

Fuck off, Whistlin' Willie,

we're not in the mood.

00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,884

If you want your pizza

you gotta whistle!

00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,302

[whistlin' merrily]

00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,222

Come on!

00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:29,395

[all half-whistlin']

00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,939

There ya' go!

00:04:32,064 --> 00:04:34,817

God, I wish we had

a Pizza Hut in South Park.

00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,402

Hey look, Craig

just walked in.

00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:40,614

[cheers & applause]

00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,909

Jesus all that for

a stupid video show.

00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,329

Oh hey guys, heard about

your news show being canceled.

00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,081

Go play with

yourself, Craig.

00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,208

Yeah, well, I got an overall

deal with the school.

00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,960

They're paying me

six dollars a week

00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,086

to come up

with new shows.

00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,171

Your idea took about

this much thought, Craig.

00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,091

This much more

than you had.

00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,218

Hey a round of root beers

for everyone, on me!

00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,846

[cheering]

00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,347

Kenny!

00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,807

What the hell are you

doing with this asshole?

00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,517

Mrph rhmhphm rm.

00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,935

You're helping Craig

make his show?

00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,895

I can't believe you

would betray us like that!

00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,522

We've always been

super cool to you!

00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,815

♪ Ha ha ha ha

haaaa ha ♪

00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:15,941

♪ We're gonna

do a news show ♪

00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,234

♪ and you can't

do it with us ♪

00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,736

♪ because you

are too poor ♪

00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,195

♪ and poor people

don't watch the news ♪

00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:22,197

♪ Nya nya nya

nya nyaaaa nya ♪

00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,493

Oh whatever, Kenny!

00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,704

Hey gang, I brought

the new episode of

00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:29,788

"Wide Angle

Close-up Animals"!

00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:30,706

Woo-hoo! Yayyy!

- Let's see!

00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,250

Put it up on

the monitors!

00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,300

Cute!

00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,429

Super cute!

00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:47,973

God, I just

don't get it.

00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,600

Wow... those animals

are pretty cute.

00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:50,934

Token--now

come on guys!

00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,186

We've worked

too hard

00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,270

to just roll over

for Craig and his

00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,730

stupid overall deal.

00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,148

Instead of sitting here

feeling sorry for ourselves,

00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,274

we just need

to figure out

00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,650

how to make

our show better!

00:05:58,776 --> 00:05:59,777

Yeah... maybe if we

can get higher ratings

00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:00,861

by the end

of the week

00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,321

they'll let us

stay on the air!

00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,614

Well what are we

waitin' for?

00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,407

Come on, guys!

00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,038

Alright, we all need to

come up with ideas

00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,581

for our show.

00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,583

How about

we revamp the name...

00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,876

"Super School News"

sounds dry.

00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,419

It should

be Sexy News.

00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,629

Action News!

00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:19,755

Yeah, Sexy Action,

that's good.

00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,548

Maybe the problem is

we don't have

00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:22,966

very good stories

to report on.

00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,510

Right... we should

make up stories

00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,844

because they'll be

far more interesting.

00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,679

Hey yeah!

00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,139

I could say I saw celebrities

even though I didn't

00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,433

and then lie about

what I saw them doing!

00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,102

Nice, Butters,

write that down!

00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:37,481

"Lie... about...celebrities".

00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:38,607

We have to appeal

to all the students.

00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,818

So we need hot girls

for the sixth graders--

00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:41,568

--and panda bears

for the preschoolers.

00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,486

Good.

00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:43,695

Maybe we need

to make students think

00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:44,446

they have to watch

our news show

00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,656

or they'll die!

00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,157

Yeah, we should make up

a bunch of reports

00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:48,700

about how dangerous

it is to be alive!

00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:49,868

Oh boy!

00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:53,122

Fellas, are you sure

all of this is e-e-ethical?

00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,123

We're in

fourth grade, Jimmy.

00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,582

We don't even know

what ethical means!

00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:56,917

Alright, Sexy Action

School News team

00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,168

it's time

to go to work!

00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,336

Get out there

and get some stories!

00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,256

Sexy Action

School News team, ho!

00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,386

Uh, Token, can I have

a quick word with you?

00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,305

Look, Token... I know

the guys are having trouble

00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,598

bringing this

up with you, but...

00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,268

Well the thing is, Token,

00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,311

we really need to revamp

your whole TV persona.

00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,147

Huh?

00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,148

You see, Token,

people really enjoy

00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,984

seeing African Americans

on the news.

00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,279

Seeing African Americans

on the news

00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,196

not hearing them.

00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,157

That's why, all

African American news people

00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:30,993

learn to talk more...

how should I say...

00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,079

white.

00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,914

Token, all the great

African American news people

00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,833

have learned to hide their

'ebonic tribespeak'

00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,918

with a more pure

caucasian dialect.

00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,378

There is no

shame in it

00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,464

and I really think

it will help our ratings.

00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:48,260

This is South Park Elementary

closed circuit television.

00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636

And now...

00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:55,309

Eyewitness

Sexy Action School News!

00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,311

Is South Park Elementary

about to explode

00:07:57,436 --> 00:07:58,562

from a methane gas leak?

00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,314

More on that later,

but first,

00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,940

Stan Marsh has a look

at some new outfits

00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,192

for the Raisins girls!

00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:04,443

[all cheering]

00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,321

Eric, the outfits are

even skimpier than before

00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,739

leaving very little

to the imagination.

00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,324

No doubt that if

I were a little older

00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:12,117

I would be aroused.

00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,076

[all cheering]

00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,286

And now for

a look at the weather.

00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:15,579

Here is Token Black.

00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:16,872

And Token, I hope

there are no tornadoes

00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,207

headed our way.

00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,792

No, tornadoes, Eric

but interestingly enough

00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,419

there is a

low pressure storm

00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,087

moving in over

the Park County valley

00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,090

should bring us

some chilly days ahead.

00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:29,885

The Park County

school board

00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,220

has approved

a bigger budget

00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,304

for the computer lab in--

00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,805

Ooh hang on, Jimmy!

00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,890

Looks like

Kyle has the dish

00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,183

on some students

bathroom habits! Kyle.

00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:37,601

Eric, sources

are speculating

00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,311

that third grade student

Pete Bellman

00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,979

pees sitting down

like a girl.

00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,314

We've also

got confirmation

00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,398

that Sally Turner

stuffs her bra

00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,817

and Clyde Donovan

has only one testicle.

00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:48,612

Ha-ha-ha-haa

one testicle!

00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:51,490

Ha-ha-ha

what an asshole!

00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:56,828

Oh-oh, looks like it's

Panda Bear Madness Minute!

00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,041

Oh yeah,

Panda Bear Madness!

00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,125

And now...

let's get a look at

00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,336

Celebrity Dish gossip

with Butters!

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:09,383

This isn't the news,

this is a t-t-t-travesty.

00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,596

Alright, so after

my report on

00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,140

the unsanitary conditions

of the school cafeteria

00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,642

we'll go to Kyle for

the story on Brian Teebs

00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,435

trying to make out

with Susan Farkle.

00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,270

Then let's do

Token's report

00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,437

on how global warming

is going to kill

00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,522

everyone in

the fifth grade.

00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,899

That is a

terrific idea, Stan.

00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,317

A-OK!

00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,112

Fellas, fellas, I've

got fantastic news.

00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,030

The vice president,

Dick Cheney,

00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,282

was in

Denver yesterday,

00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,867

and I got an interview

with him for our news show!

00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,663

Umm, an interview

with the vice president...

00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,623

Frankly, Jimmy I don't

know how we're going to

00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,083

fit that in between

cheerleader pie eating

00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751

and Who's Got

Skid Marks Monday.

00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,461

But this is

real news.

00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,963

It's boring news, Jimmy.

00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,965

How do you know,

you haven't seen it yet!

00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,383

Alright,

tell me about it.

00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,468

In the interview,

Mr. Cheney tells me all about how--

00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:55,470

[big yawn]

00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:59,474

Oh... oh God,

I just got so sleepy.

00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,310

I'm sorry, what were

you talking about?

00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,478

Look, f-f-fellas

I've got a real problem

00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,439

with the direction

our news show is going.

00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,940

We're dumbing down

the school.

00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,483

No, Jimmy, the school

is already dumb

00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,484

we're just giving them

what they want.

00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,570

We're making the news

more appealing to students.

00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,322

This isn't the news!

00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,490

This is a b-b-bastardized

quest for ratings.

00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,826

Dammit, we have a

journalistic responsibility

00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,495

to bring students

the f-facts.

00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,122

Don't you see

what we've done?

00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,875

In our effort to compete with

Craig's small-minded show

00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,752

we've make a mockery

of news reporting.

00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,503

I remember when we all

made an oath to each other

00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,631

way back when we started

playing news reporters

00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,216

that we would never let anything

jeopardize our integrity.

00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,510

Well our integrity

is jeopardized...

00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,138

And if we can't

report news the honest way...

00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,641

What good is

news reporting?

00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:45,062

[yawning & stretching]

00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,441

Boys, first of all

I want to tell you

00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:53,570

how impressed I am with your

ability to get more ratings.

00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,448

Your show beat "Close-up Animals

With a Wide Angle Lens"

00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,533

by three viewers!

00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:02,329

Alright!!

- Wohoo!

00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,955

I knew we

could do it!

00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,040

We beat

"Close-up Animals"!

00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:05,957

Oh man, it's

so great!

00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,793

We-we worked so hard

to be on the top-

00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:09,252

oh come here, you!

00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,254

Yes, but unfortunately

00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,964

you got crushed

in the ratings

00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,883

by Craig's new show.

00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:18,428

Craig's new show?

00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,971

All the students

love it.

00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,307

It's an

incredible idea called

00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,851

"Close-up Animals

With a Wide Angle Lens

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,603

Wearing Hats".

00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,355

Take a look.

00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,910

That Craig is a

freakin' genius, I tell you.

00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,788

He's like...

an idea machine.

00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:48,458

Does this mean we're

still gonna get canceled?

00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,836

I'm afraid its worse

than that boys.

00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,963

I'm going to have to

give you all "F"s

00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,798

in extra curricular A/V class.

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,760

You have to learn now

how important ratings are.

00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,138

But... we

gave it our best.

00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:06,226

Yes, ♪ and I guess your best

wasn't good enough ♪

00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979

I don't believe it.

00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,230

I can't lose this extra

curricular credit!

00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,732

I need it to

pass fourth grade.

00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,775

Stupid news hair.

00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,196

F-fellas, don't you see,

this proves my point.

00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,491

We have to elevate

our ideas up, not down.

00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,618

Yeah, Jimmys right. I know we

can come up with

00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,911

way better ideas

than Craig.

00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,289

Yeah. To save our show,

all we need to do...

00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,915

is come up with

the best idea

00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,959

for an episode ever.

00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,219

What if we do

a show where we...

00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,846

Ah... no...

00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:47,017

How about we

have us, um... hmmm...

00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,978

Come on doesn't anybody

have any show ideas?

00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,188

How about we

get panda bears

00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,023

and have them dance

around with us!

00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,484

We did that.

00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,571

Wow, coming up

with ideas is hard.

00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,615

Look, you guys, if Craig

can do it, we can do it.

00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,407

Come on!

00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:12,083

How about we do

a show with us... uh...

00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:15,504

The uh... what if...

00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:18,089

Wait, I've got it...

crab people.

00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,341

Crab people?

00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,550

They're like

half crab, half people

00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,552

and they live

below the ground.

00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:25,096

Dude, I think we can

do a little better

00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,681

than crab people.

00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,600

I know, we should

read the funnies!

00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,186

I always get good ideas

from the funnies!

00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,230

Butters, only gay little

dweebs read the funnies.

00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,440

Yeah, I read 'em

all the time!

00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,858

Here's one!

00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,819

The... snail

tripped over a hurdle

00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,403

and the other

snail says,

00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,697

"well, that's gonna add

another hour to his time!"

00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:43,907

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,617

You guys?

00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,037

How about we do a show

where we kill Butters?

00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:52,958

Ha ha...

00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,711

So Dagwood says,

00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,341

"good... goo..good thing we're playing

the back nine at your house".

00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:02,092

Ha ha ha ha!

00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,512

We're hopelessly stuck,

completely out of ideas.

00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,721

We have

crab people.

00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,764

Just sayin'...

00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,266

Wait -- you know

what we should do?

00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,685

We should all take

a bunch of cough medicine.

00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:12,686

Cough medicine?

00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,687

That's what

the sixth graders do

00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:14,729

behind the school

at recess.

00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:16,356

They take way

too much cough medicine

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316

cuz they say it makes them

see things in their heads.

00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:25,407

Gee wiz, there

sure is a lot of em...

00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,492

How do we know

which one to use?

00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:30,579

How about this

one Colminex.

00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,831

"Warning, taking more

than recommended amount

00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583

can cause severe

side effects."

00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,750

That sounds perfect!

00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,335

B-bingo.

00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,713

Can I help

you boys?

00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,424

Yeah, we need to come up

with some ideas and inspiration

00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,009

so we were gonna drink

a bunch of cough medicine.

00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:44,885

Whoa, boys!

00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,512

That's not what you need

to come up with ideas!

00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,722

It's not?

00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,683

No, what you want

is the Colminex PM.

00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,727

It has the

dextrimatphan in it

00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,437

that causes hallucinations

in large doses.

00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,688

Oh okay.

00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,939

Now, if it's

more of a lucid,

00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,316

speedy kind of high

you're looking for,

00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:01,526

I do also carry the

Daytap Cold and Flu.

00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,278

Then there's the

maximum strength

00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,738

Codatussin Cough 'n Cold.

00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,866

But of course, that's only if

you really want to trip balls.

00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493

What do you

think, fellas?

00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,870

I guess we'll just

take all of them.

00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,787

That's the spirit...

00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,873

Alright boys, I'll just need

your parents permission.

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,919

Kidding, I'm just

pullin' your legs.

00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,253

Come on over

to the register!

00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,006

Oh, looks like

somebody else

00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,716

is doing a little

partying tonight!

00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,509

Oh, Jesus Christ!

00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:27,928

We aren't

having a party.

00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,095

Oh yeah sure!

00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,972

You're just buying that

for your bad coughs, right?

00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,851

Us too!

[fake coughing]

00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:36,728

Ooh, Jesus!

00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,237

Alright, now everybody

take a tablet and a pencil

00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:47,322

and when all the ideas

start coming

00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,740

just write 'em down.

00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,325

We might not remember

everything otherwise.

00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,495

Oh boy, I can't wait

to be creative and smart!

00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,332

Ooh, it's all

thick and gooey...

00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,336

Huh... I don't

have any ideas yet.

00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:05,882

Stan?

00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,385

Dude, Stan,

you alright?

00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,679

I think maybe

he's feelin' it.

00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,764

Stan, are you

getting good ideas?

00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:17,811

Woah... I'm feelin kinda

bowling ballish, fellas.

00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:28,947

Woof-woof!

00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,740

Woof-woof!

00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,409

[distorted]

Stan... Stan come on.

00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,494

We're gonna

go find a frog.

00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,625

[wrong number beep]

We're sorry...

00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,760

Oh dude, I just had

the best idea!

00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:51,845

Me too!

00:16:59,561 --> 00:17:02,564

Hey, let's run naked

through the street!

00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,866

Dude, this TV show

is awesome...

00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,411

It's... the greatest

show of all time...

00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,204

I could watch

this for days...

00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,008

[all]

Cute...

00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,510

Super cute...

00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:44,230

You guys...

you guys wake up!

00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,356

Ergh... agh!

00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,817

Butters get away

from me!

00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:49,444

Oh Jesus, where

are my clothes?

00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,487

We took a bunch

of cough medicine

00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,322

to come up with

ideas for our show.

00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,823

I didn't come up

with anything!

00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,867

I did, I wrote

something down...

00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,245

Here it is... uh...

squiggly line, circle.

00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,538

I wrote down...

00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,124

All the lyrics to

the "Happy Days" theme song.

00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,959

You guys... we watched

Craig's show all night long.

00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,045

Yeah, it was great.

00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,338

But don't you see?

00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,964

We didn't think

it was great before!

00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,591

I think

I understand now.

00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,719

I think I know why Craig's show

gets such great ratings!

00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,472

Half the school

is high on cough medicine!

00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,265

Jesus, you

may be right.

00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:20,934

Fellas, this

is our chance!

00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,435

Everyone get your hair looking

as fantastic as possible!

00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,895

It's time for us to do

00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,271

the most incredible

investigative news report

00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,190

of our journalistic lives!

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,025

This is

closed circuit television

00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,194

for South Park

Elementary School.

00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,780

And now...

A Sexy Action News team

00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,240

Special Report!

00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:39,160

Cough medicine

abuse in school.

00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,704

With the Sexy Action

School News team.

00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,249

It's the report

you can't afford to miss.

00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:45,708

[girl screaming]

00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,795

And now here is

Rick Cartman.

00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,631

They call it cough syrup,

cough medicine,

00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,424

cold and flu remedy.

00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,343

But behind closed doors

at South Park Elementary

00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,427

it also has

a street name:

00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:59,848

coogie, wombat juice,

tigger yum yum.

00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,683

Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.

00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,101

Today the Sexy Action School

news team

00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,019

takes you inside

the dark and lonely world

00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,230

of cough medicine abuse.

00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,606

They're doing it

in the hallways.

00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:09,607

Agh!

00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,234

Behind the school.

00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,319

Hey, get outta here

you fucking dork.

00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,988

Even, in the

girl's bathroom.

00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:19,159

Is somebody in there?

I'll tell on you!

00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,994

We showed the shocking footage

to the principal--

00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,579

Oh my goodness...

00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,289

Principal Victoria,

can you explain

00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,208

how your administration

failed to see this p-pr-

00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,251

problem?

00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:29,836

Well, I... we...

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:31,880

So where are students getting

all this cough medicine?

00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:32,922

This surveillance footage

00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,215

shows a group of

troubled kids

00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,300

getting all

the smack they want

00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:36,634

from a pharmacist!

00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,012

Sexy Action School News

reported the pharmacist

00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,013

to the South Park police

00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:41,556

and he was

immediately arrested.

00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,308

The cough medicine

companies claim

00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,559

they don't intend

for their product

00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,644

to be used by kids

to get high.

00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,063

But one look at

the packaging tells otherwise-

00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:52,025

"Theradryl DM for kids"

00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,819

"Dexacough

Children's Formula".

00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,571

And now for a quick

celebrity check

00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,906

here's Butters Stotch.

00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,365

Still no

celebrities, Eric.

00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,826

I'll keep

my eyes open.

00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,411

The cough medicine problem

used to also run rampant

00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,538

in neighboring

Middle Park Elementary.

00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,915

But they took action.

00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,041

Ridded their entire town

of cough medicine.

00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,127

And what we see now,

is a happier school

00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,213

one hundred percent

cough medicine free.

00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,965

[all hacking & coughing]

00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,554

Boys, I want to

congratulate you

00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,390

on what is perhaps the finest

piece of student television

00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,351

I have ever seen.

00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,727

Not only did you get

00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,355

all the students and

myself off of cough medicine

00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,565

but you got a twenty two

in the ratings!

00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,234

Twenty two people?

00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,693

Alright!

00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,362

You wanted to

see me, Mr. Maryl?

00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:38,988

Oh, yes, Craig.

00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,949

It appears that

the ratings for your show

00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:42,659

are down

significantly.

00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,035

Gee, what a

coincidence.

00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,246

I wonder w-w-why.

00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,790

You need to know how

important ratings are, Craig.

00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,792

So I'm going to

suspend you from school

00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,878

and request that you have your

testicles removed surgically.

00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,089

Ha ha, in your

face Craig!

00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:58,925

You boys are approved

for twenty seven new shows!

00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:01,469

I want you to come up

with an even better idea

00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,720

than the

cough medicine story.

00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:03,805

Get to it!

00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:12,188

Nobody... has any ideas?

00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,148

This sucks.

00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,233

I don't wanna keep having to

come up with ideas

00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,443

for shows all the time,

it hurts my head.

00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,156

Dude... bail?

00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,909

I think bail.

00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:25,952

Bail.

00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,954

Yep, b-b-bail.