Педики Южного Парка

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♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

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♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

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Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

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♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

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Oh, my God.

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You guys are not gonna believe

what happened to me last night.

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What? Tell us.

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So, I'm watching the season

premiere of "Boy Meets Boy,"

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and then "Queer Eye for the

Straight Guy" comes on, right?

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So I fall asleep in front

of the TV, and when I wake up,

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I see that I've spilled

the Coke I was drinking

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all over my satin pajama top.

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Oh, my gosh. Are you serious?

That was the cutest top ever!

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I know!

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Mrph hmhm mrph hmhm rm

mrph rmh rmphm.

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Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.

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Hey, dudes.

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What a dork!

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What?

- Nice jacket, Kyle!

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Polyester is really

the hot fabric this fall!

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But -- But this is the jacket

I always wear.

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You got to get with the times,

girlfriend.

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Yeah. That jacket

is so September 10th!

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Oh, my God. You've got

splotches on your neck.

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Are you using any exfoliating

products at all?

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We can't let Kyle out in public

like this, you guys.

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Mrph rmhmhm rm!

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Come on, Kyle.

We're giving you a makeover!

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♪ You came into my life ♪

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♪ And my world never looked

so bright, yeah ♪

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♪ It's true you bring out

the best in me ♪

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♪ When you are around ♪

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♪ When you are around ♪

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♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

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♪ All things, all things ♪

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♪ Things keep getting better ♪

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♪ Life keeps getting better

and better ♪

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♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

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Coming up next on HBC,

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it's "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy"!

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We have got to get you

some tighter-fitting shirts!

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Then it's "Boy Meets Boy",

followed by "Will and Grace",

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and then "The Love Boat...

With Men."

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My goodness, there certainly

are a lot of gay shows

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on television these days.

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Yeah.

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I think it's great that gays

are finally being so accepted.

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Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

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Kyle, what's happened to you?

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I'm just trying to fit in,

Daddy.

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Don't be such a drama queen.

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Oh, my God!

Come on, Sheila.

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We better go tell the other

parents what's going on!

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Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila.

- Hi, Sharon.

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Uh, we need to talk to you

about the boys.

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Sure. Come on in.

The guys are all watching TV.

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Oh, is the game on or something?

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Hey! Gerald!

How are you?

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- Hi, Gerald!

- Gerald!

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Sit down, Ger-Ger.

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"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

is on.

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Oh, no.

You guys all turned gay, too?

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Not gay, Gerald.

Metrosexual.

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What's that?

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Just because a guy cares

about how he looks

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and is in touch

with his feminine side

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doesn't mean he's gay anymore!

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Metrosexual means

you're straight

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but you appreciate

the gay culture.

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It's super fabulous.

Would you like some shiraz?

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Shiraz is great.

- Don't our men look amazing?

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Haven't you seen "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy," Sheila?

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These five gay men go around

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and show straight men

how to better themselves.

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It's the best!

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It is?

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Well, sure, Sheila.

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Our husbands are all so clean

and neat.

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My Randy irons his clothes

and even has pedicures!

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And they like to talk

about their feelings now

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and drink wine

and decorate the house!

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My Steven shaved his chest

and his balls!

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Ooh, I love it!

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And how about our boys, huh?

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Ever since gay culture became

cool, our boys bathe every night

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and brush their teeth

three times a day.

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This is the greatest thing ever.

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I don't know.

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Sometimes boys take

cultural fads too far.

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Dude, I can't wait for Wendy

to see how gay I look!

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That's true, you guys.

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When the chicks at school

see how gay we are,

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they're gonna be all over us.

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Mrph-mrph!

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All right.

Let's work it!

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What the...

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Toodle-oo, Conner.

See ya after classies.

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Okay, sweetums.

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Oh, my God.

Where is my homework?

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I am fuh-reaking out!

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Hey, dudes.

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Hey, Craig.

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You guys look pretty gay.

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Thanks!

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Not as gay as us, though.

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Oh, please, Craig.

We're 10 times gayer than you!

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Oh, yeah? We're super-duper

triple-dog gay!

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Oh, yeah?

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We're ultra-super-stamp-it-

stamp-it-no-erasies-mega gay!

00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,465

What's all this fighting about,

children?

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These guys are trying to say

they're gayer than us!

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Oh, no!

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Don't tell me you children

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have taken up this whole

metrosexual fad, too.

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Oh my God.

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This is not a fad.

This is who we are.

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No, it isn't.

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Last year, you children

were all trying to be black.

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Now you're all trying to be gay.

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We're metrosexual!

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Maybe, but you'll never be

as metrosexual as us.

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Come on, fags.

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God, I hate Craig!

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That son of a -- gah.

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Chef...I don't feel

very metrosexual.

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Well, then don't buy into

this fad, Kyle.

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Be who you are, not what's cool.

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All right, children.

Let's take our seats.

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Good morning, Mr. Garrison.

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Well, d-don't you all look nice.

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Ooh. Timmy.

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Dude, what are you doing?

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I didn't feel comfortable

in that stuff, dude.

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I'm just being me.

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Ha!

Told you you guys were straight.

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We're not straight.

You're straight!

00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:15,274

You're straight!

- You're straight!

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You're straight like a freeway.

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What the hell is going on?

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You wish you were gay, Craig!

In your dreams!

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I'm not just gay.

I'm a catamite.

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S-So?

I'm half bisexual.

00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,996

Oh, stop it! You kids don't even

know what you're talking about!

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Eric, you're not half bi!

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I'm like a quarter bi.

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My grandpa was bi,

so that makes me quarter bi.

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What?!

00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:39,381

It was the craziest thing

I've ever seen, Mr. Slave.

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All the children

were suddenly acting like

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being gay was cool.

00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,303

I mean, maybe we're not

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the only gay couple

in town anymore.

00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,974

Oh.

Jesus Christ.

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Look at that, Mr. Slave.

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Our cup runneth over.

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Jesus Christ.

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Mr. Garrison,

those are great pants.

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Thanks, Jimbo.

I really like your outfit, too.

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So -- So, Jimbo, you want to

come back to my place

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with me and Mr. Slave?

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Uh, for what?

00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,665

Well, you know.

00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:15,667

No.

- Huh.

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Mr. Garrison.

Hey, doll.

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Oh, hey, Randy.

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You're looking ultra fabulous.

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Thanks.

You too.

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So, uh, Randy...

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you want me to give you

a hand job in the bathroom?

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N-No, thanks.

I'm -- I'm not like that.

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Not -- Not like that?

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How about some shiraz, guys?

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Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek.

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My pleasure, silly buns.

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Oh.

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Well, Mr. Tweek, why don't we,

uh, go back to my place?

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Why?

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Well, you know,

I was just thinking

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we could put on some music

and watch videos

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and pound Mr. Slave's

tight little ass.

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Ooh.

Jesus Christ.

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Oh! Goodness, no.

I-I'm straight.

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Straight?

Oh...

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Oh, what -- Just what the hell

is going on here?!

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Huh?

00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,588

Why won't anybody pound

Mr. Slave's butt?

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Well, we don't pound butt,

Mr. Garrison. We're straight.

00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:07,594

Those pants and those shoes

say you pound butt!

00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:11,181

Hey, now, that's not true.

My shoes don't say I pound butt.

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No, your shoes say you

take it in the butt.

00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:14,977

It's okay, Mr. Garrison.

00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,396

We've learned that gays

are totally cool.

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You're just one of us now.

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Yeah.

- Yeah.

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One of you?!

00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,319

We spend our whole lives

trying not to be one of you!

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You can't do this to us!

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Have you guys seen this?

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It's a conditioner

that you can leave in,

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and it detoxifies the scalp.

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Wow.

Is that from Origins?

00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,746

Yeah. It's a charcoal-based

thing that --

00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:38,000

Hey, guys, you want to go

throw the football around?

00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,419

Guys, can I talk to you

over here for a second?

00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,173

Look, guys, a lot of the kids

in school are talking, okay?

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And they're spreading rumors

that we're not metrosexuals

00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,260

because we hang out with Kyle.

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Well, what can we do about it?

00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,096

We have no choice, you guys.

00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,223

We're just gonna have to kill

Kyle.

00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,642

What?! That's stupid.

We wouldn't have to kill Kyle.

00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,936

We would just have to tell him

not to hang around us anymore.

00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,146

Oh.

You know, you're right, Stan.

00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:01,607

We just have to tell Kyle

not to hang around us anymore.

00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:03,233

Yeah. Wait. What?

- You hear that, Kenny?

00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,527

Stan thinks we should tell Kyle

not to hang around us anymore.

00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:06,528

I think he's right.

00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,947

Good luck telling him, Stan.

I know it won't be easy.

00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:12,284

Hey, butch boy.

Nice football you got there.

00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:16,580

When was the last time you had

a manicure, straight man?

00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,123

Yeah.

Let's see that hair.

00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,167

Look!

He's not even using any product!

00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:22,836

Hey, what's going on?

00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,840

Oh, here come the butch boys to

help their butchy little friend.

00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,010

He's not our friend.

00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,598

Stan?

00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,103

This playground is

for metrosexuals, macho man.

00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,231

Take your nonflaming ass

to some other school.

00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,691

Come on. Let's get him.

- Kick his ass!

00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,744

Kyle!

What happened to you?

00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,997

I got beat up at school...

for being different.

00:08:59,122 --> 00:08:59,831

What?!

00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,959

Your classmates beat you up

for being a Jew?

00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,628

No!

For not being a metrosexual.

00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,964

Gerald!

Gerald, get down here.

00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:11,093

He-e-e-re I come!

00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:19,309

Oh, no!

Dad's metrosexual, too?!

00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,353

Kyle!

You look terrible!

00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,438

The boys at school

beat him up, Gerald.

00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,774

Oh, really?

Well, don't you worry, Kyle.

00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,068

We can cover that black eye up

with some cream base,

00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,404

and the coat and pants

we'll bleach with an acid wash

00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:31,780

for a fun, vintage look.

00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,449

Aah!

Just leave me alone!

00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,911

There you go.

Now you look fabulous.

00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:38,745

You see that?

00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,998

A spray-on tan does wonders

for your look.

00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:45,002

Let's get down to the tango

class and learn some new steps.

00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:48,171

That does it!

I know what I have to do.

00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,092

Oh.

Hello, Mr. Garrison.

00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:54,011

Chef, can I talk to you?

00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,470

Sure.

Come on in.

00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,514

Thanks.

Come, slave.

00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,894

It's just awful, Chef.

00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,730

I used to feel like

an outsider,

00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:07,524

a totally different person

who stood out in this town.

00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,485

Now every straight guy

is acting gayer than me!

00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,030

Oh, Jesus.

Jesus Christ!

00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,656

Well, what do you want me to do

about it?

00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,201

Chef, what did you do when

white people stole your culture?

00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,202

Oh.

00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:21,204

Well, we black people

just always tried to stay

00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,707

out in front of them.

- How did you do that?

00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,083

Well, like with our slang.

00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,502

Black people always used to say

"I'm in the house"

00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:28,754

instead of "I'm here."

00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,922

But then white people all

started to say "in the house,"

00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:32,424

so we switched it

to "in the hizzouse."

00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:33,884

"Hizzouse" became "hizzizzouse."

00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:35,719

And then white folk

started saying that,

00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:38,221

and we had to change it to

"heezie," then "in the hizzle,"

00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,265

which we had to change

to "hizzle for zizzle."

00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,559

And now because white people

say "hizzle for zizzle,"

00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:45,395

we have to say

"flippity floppity floop."

00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,357

We don't have time

for all that, Chef.

00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,026

Oh, if only those "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy" people

00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,153

understood what they were doing.

00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,613

Wait.

That's it!

00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:56,907

I know exactly what to do!

00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:57,908

Come on, Mr. Slave!

00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,077

Let's get back to our

flippity floppity floop.

00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:03,330

Oh, no!

Damn it, don't call it that.

00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,291

One ticket to New York, please.

00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,335

You're going to New York alone?

00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,754

I'm going to see the "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy" people.

00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,799

Ooh! Great idea. They can help

you with those dated clothes.

00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:15,092

Ugh.

00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,898

Mr. Garrison?

00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,274

Kyle.

What are you doing here?

00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,275

I'm going to New York

00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:34,069

to kill the "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy" people.

00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,654

What?!

That's what I'm doing!

00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:38,532

Oh, no. They ruined my life.

I get to kill them first.

00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,283

They took gay culture

from real gays,

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:41,868

and their asses are ours!

00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,620

I thought of it first!

- No, you didn't! No, you didn't!

00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:44,621

Did so! Did so!

00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,748

I thought of it yesterday!

- I thought of it two days ago!

00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,250

I thought of it

before you were born!

00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,210

Stop it, you two!

Stop it!

00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,504

Don't you see how crazy this is?

00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,006

Oh, you're right, Mr. Slave.

00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,008

We can both kill them together.

00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:57,968

Cool.

00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,138

Wow.

We look great!

00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,515

Yeah.

Let's see Craig outgay us now.

00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,891

Boys, boys, come on!

00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,685

There's a sale

down at Express for Men!

00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,648

Hey, guys, there's a sale

at Express for Men!

00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:12,733

Oh, my God!

- Sale at Express?!

00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:13,859

Let's go!

- Let's go!

00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,528

You guys have got to see

these shoes I bought!

00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:19,030

Hurry, you guys!

The mall closes in seven hours!

00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:22,200

Oh, why can't we all live

at the mall?

00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,161

You know, I'm starting to think

00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:27,205

this whole metrosexual thing

isn't so great.

00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,248

I know what you mean.

00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,251

All my husband ever does now is

look at himself in the mirror.

00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,879

He cares more about how he looks

than how I look.

00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:37,382

I hope something happens soon

to put an end to this whole fad.

00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,136

Guys, you've done

a terrific job.

00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,847

"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

is our number-one show.

00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,392

What can I say?

We're fabulous.

00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,978

You guys are changing the world.

00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,647

And tomorrow,

we're gonna have you make over

00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,775

the president

of the United States!

00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,109

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna faint.

00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,030

Room service.

00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:01,948

What? We didn't order

any room service.

00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:05,869

Oh. Well, the woman

at the front desk sent it up.

00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,412

Carol?

I'll have to check on this.

00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,706

Excuse me a minute, fellas.

00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:14,628

Clear!

00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:16,213

Okay, Mr. Slave!

00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:23,595

Jesus...Christ.

00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,931

Well, crap.

That didn't work.

00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,185

You better shut up, Craig.

- Everyone knows it's true.

00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,520

It is not!

- Is so.

00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,063

Craig, behave yourself.

00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,190

Yeah, Stanley.

What are you fighting about?

00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,859

Dad, Craig's trying to say

that his dad can outdress you.

00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,654

What? Son, that's a silly thing

to fight about.

00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,573

Yeah. Everyone already knows

I dress better than Randy.

00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:44,825

Oh, really?

00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,494

I mean, you do have the fashion

sense of a Japanese woman.

00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,870

Ooh!

- Ooh!

00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,038

Please, girlfriend.

00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,624

You look like some kind of

Little Orphan Annie nightmare.

00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,001

Oh, no!

- Burn!

00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,546

Oh, stop it.

Will you all just stop it?!

00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,632

Look, you guys are

carrying this fad too far.

00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,717

Will you please stop acting

this way?

00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:06,888

You don't...like us

being metrosexual?

00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,306

No!

00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,976

Well, you know what I think?

00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,978

I think you're all metrophobic!

00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,563

Yeah!

- What?

00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,481

We shouldn't be fighting

amongst ourselves.

00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,192

We should be uniting

against metrophobes like these.

00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,527

This is crazy.

00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:24,698

Crazy, different, outcasts --

call us what you want.

00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,784

But us metros are real people,

just like you.

00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,954

You can metro-bash us all you

want, but we're here to stay.

00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,123

Yeah, Mom.

We're proud of who we are.

00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,333

That's right -- proud.

You know what I think, guys?

00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,919

I think we should have

a metrosexual-pride parade.

00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,839

Great idea, Eric --

raise metrosexual awareness!

00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,758

We can make floats and decorate

them with streamers and flowers.

00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,552

Mrph-mrph!

- Come on, fellas!

00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:47,596

Out of the malls

and into the streets!

00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,180

Out of the malls

and into the streets!

00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:50,557

Out of the malls

and into the streets!

00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,976

What the hell did that show do

to them?

00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,355

You sure you don't

want to press charges?

00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,440

That's okay, Officer.

00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,317

I think they learned

murder is wrong.

00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,319

Especially in those pants.

00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,322

Look, guys, we're sorry

we tried to murder you,

00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,699

but you have to stop

what you're doing.

00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,285

Are you crazy?

We're the hottest thing on TV.

00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,203

But don't you see the price?

00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,664

You're selling out

your own kind.

00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,000

Look, us gays have created

a lifestyle,

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,044

a-a culture

that is uniquely ours.

00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,838

If we keep trying to make

straight people into us,

00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:25,383

we're gonna have no identity

left.

00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:29,471

Sorry, Charlie.

No sale.

00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:33,516

But --

But this doesn't make sense!

00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:36,478

How can gay men do this

to their own people?!

00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:41,566

Unless...you're not gay at all.

00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:46,529

You just

had to push it, didn't you?

00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:49,115

Just had to

keep asking questions.

00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,744

Now you know the truth.

00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,413

They aren't gay?

Then what are they?

00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,082

For a thousand years,

00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,292

our kind have lived

beneath the earth's crust,

00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,711

banished by man

in the kindling wars.

00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,505

Oh my God.

00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,888

We are the crab people!

00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,599

Jesus Christ!

00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:19,145

Crab people...crab people.

00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:23,191

Crab people...crab people.

00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:34,119

Crab people...crab people...

00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,246

crab people.

00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:38,331

See now where we have been

forced to live

00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,208

for a thousand years.

00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,711

But soon we shall rule

the land above,

00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,754

and mankind will be gone!

00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,506

Gone?!

00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:50,385

Crab people...crab people.

00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,389

Crab people are too small and

weak to take over man by force,

00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:58,268

and so we came up

with our perfect plan.

00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:00,520

Crab people...

00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:05,650

If you

can't beat man, change man.

00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:06,735

I knew it.

00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,404

I knew gay people would never

do this to their own kind.

00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,364

When all the world

is metrosexual,

00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:14,868

the crab people

shall finally reign supreme!

00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:19,164

Crab people...crab people.

00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,625

Tastes like crab,

talk like people.

00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,003

Crab people.

00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,630

You'll never turn me

into a metrosexual!

00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,966

I like being a dirty,

filthy little boy!

00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:30,925

Very well.

00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,928

If we can't make you

into metrosexuals,

00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:37,265

then we will make you

into crab people.

00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,600

Take them!

00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,771

♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:45,482

♪ You came into my life ♪

Crab people.

00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,026

♪ And my world never

looked so bright, yeah ♪

00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,486

Crab people.

00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,571

♪ It's true you bring out

the best in me ♪

00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:52,614

Crab people.

00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,491

♪ When you are around ♪

00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,743

♪ When you are around ♪

Crab people.

00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,245

♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,164

Crab people.

00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,583

Tom, I'm standing in South Park,

Colorado,

00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:06,711

where the first annual

Metrosexual Pride Parade

00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,046

is under way.

00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:09,255

Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,382

Yeah!

- Metro pride!

00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,134

We're here! We're not queer!

00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,053

But we're close!

Get used to it!

00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:16,387

We're here!

We're not queer!

00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:17,639

But we're close!

Get used to it!

00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,475

That does it.

I can't take it anymore!

00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,269

I should have never wished

for a cleaner, neater husband.

00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:26,981

Ladies, get your things.

I know what we have to do.

00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,319

Whoa!

Look out!

00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,241

Oh, my God!

It's on fire!

00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:37,951

Put it out!

Put it out!

00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,203

I can't do anything.

These are brand-new pants.

00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,122

The heat could really damage

our hair.

00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,957

We'd better let the police

handle this.

00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:46,918

Are you crazy?

I just had my uniform pressed.

00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,212

Oh, Jesus! It's burning!

- Oh, my God!

00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,256

Put it out! Put it out!

- Jesus!

00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,632

Fire!

00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,470

Mr. President, it is such

an honor to make you over.

00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,597

Now, we've got to do something

with your hair.

00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,808

And your nails are filthy.

Let's get those clean.

00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:03,977

This is gay gold!

00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:06,813

Stop them!

They're crab people!

00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,357

They cannot see or hear us,

foolish man.

00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,608

Now stand by and watch

00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,194

as your pitiful race

becomes helpless!

00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,280

That is very good,

Mr. President.

00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,740

Now put on this silk jacket.

00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,617

No, Mr. President!

Don't do it!

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,661

Help!

- You bastards.

00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,831

That looks great.

Now, how about some moisturizer?

00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,959

There they are!

Get 'em!

00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,085

What?

00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,963

You turned our husbands

into whiny little wusses!

00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,923

It's payback time!

00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,470

Oh, my God!

What are they doing?

00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:41,931

No! No!

00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,729

Wha-- What have you done?

00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,982

We're sorry,

but we didn't have a choice.

00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,734

You see, at first we liked

00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,694

having our men be clean

and neat.

00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,529

We thought that having them

use product in their hair

00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:58,990

and wanting facials

would make them sexier,

00:19:59,115 --> 00:19:59,991

but it doesn't.

00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,034

That's right.

00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,203

Even though my Stephen

sicks me out sometimes,

00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:06,247

it's his rugged, manly grossness

that I'm attracted to.

00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,625

We're sorry, but we knew

that the only answer

00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,877

was to kill

the "Queer Eye" guys.

00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,795

Well, you're going to jail for

th--

00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:15,715

Wait a minute. What is that?

00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,176

No!

Our evil plans!

00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,178

No.

00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,056

Oh my God.

00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,891

They were crab people.

00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:25,850

Yes!

00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,894

They were trying to

systematically make men

00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,396

into wusses so they could

take over the world.

00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,232

Mom!

- Kyle!

00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,108

I should have known

they were crab people.

00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,110

They tried this before

with "The Jeffersons".

00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,280

So now can you please change

your network's programming?

00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,406

Yes.

00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,408

Yes.

I think this gay fad is over.

00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,285

Gentlemen, back to studio 12.

00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,621

We're gonna bring back

the Latin fad.

00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,460

Hey, eses.

00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,713

Hey, jefe.

You want some cerveza?

00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,092

Kyle.

00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,761

Hey, ese, you want to come

play catch with us?

00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,555

What? You want me to hang out

with you?

00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,599

Yeah, it's cool, homes.

00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,434

No, dude, it really isn't cool.

00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,186

You all turned your backs on me.

00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:12,021

You're supposed to be my

best friends, and you just --

00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,648

you treated me like nothing.

00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,400

And now you all expect me

to just forget it all

00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:18,027

and hang out with you again

like nothing happened?

00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,988

Oh, Jesus, Kyle. Don't be

such a whiny little gaywad.

00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,030

Come play catch with us.

00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:23,408

Yeah.

Don't be such a fag, dude.

00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:35,003

God damn it.

00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:13,806

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,686

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:20,688

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,440

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,988

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:33,325

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:36,746

Oh, my God.

00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:38,831

You guys are not gonna believe

what happened to me last night.

00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:39,707

What? Tell us.

00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:42,418

So, I'm watching the season

premiere of "Boy Meets Boy,"

00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,420

and then "Queer Eye for the

Straight Guy" comes on, right?

00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,464

So I fall asleep in front

of the TV, and when I wake up,

00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:48,090

I see that I've spilled

the Coke I was drinking

00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,592

all over my satin pajama top.

00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,636

Oh, my gosh. Are you serious?

That was the cutest top ever!

00:00:52,762 --> 00:00:53,596

I know!

00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,973

Mrph hmhm mrph hmhm rm

mrph rmh rmphm.

00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:58,059

Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.

00:00:58,184 --> 00:00:59,268

Hey, dudes.

00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,773

[Laughs]

00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:04,857

What a dork!

00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:06,650

What?

- Nice jacket, Kyle!

00:01:06,776 --> 00:01:08,778

Polyester is really

the hot fabric this fall!

00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:09,695

[Laughs]

00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,822

But -- But this is the jacket

I always wear.

00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:14,075

You got to get with the times,

girlfriend.

00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,160

Yeah. That jacket

is so September 10th!

00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:17,912

Oh, my God. You've got

splotches on your neck.

00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,705

Are you using any exfoliating

products at all?

00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,749

We can't let Kyle out in public

like this, you guys.

00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:22,792

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,627

Come on, Kyle.

We're giving you a makeover!

00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,629

♪ You came into my life ♪

00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:30,633

♪ And my world never looked

so bright, yeah ♪

00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,511

♪ It's true you bring out

the best in me ♪

00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:35,429

♪ When you are around ♪

00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:37,973

♪ When you are around ♪

00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:40,810

♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,852

♪ All things, all things ♪

00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,854

♪ Things keep getting better ♪

00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:46,065

♪ Life keeps getting better

and better ♪

00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:49,026

♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,904

[TV Announcer]

Coming up next on HBC,

00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,115

it's "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy"!

00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,034

We have got to get you

some tighter-fitting shirts!

00:01:57,159 --> 00:02:00,371

Then it's "Boy Meets Boy",

followed by "Will and Grace",

00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:03,499

and then "The Love Boat...

With Men."

00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,293

My goodness, there certainly

are a lot of gay shows

00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,545

on television these days.

00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:08,295

Yeah.

00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:11,006

I think it's great that gays

are finally being so accepted.

00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:13,342

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,426

[Screams]

00:02:14,552 --> 00:02:16,095

Kyle, what's happened to you?

00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,596

I'm just trying to fit in,

Daddy.

00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,181

Don't be such a drama queen.

00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,850

[Suspenseful music plays]

00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:22,560

Oh, my God!

Come on, Sheila.

00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:25,062

We better go tell the other

parents what's going on!

00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,564

[Doorbell rings,

pounding on door]

00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,691

Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila.

- Hi, Sharon.

00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,609

Uh, we need to talk to you

about the boys.

00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,112

Sure. Come on in.

The guys are all watching TV.

00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,655

Oh, is the game on or something?

00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,448

[Up-tempo music playing]

00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:38,993

Hey! Gerald!

How are you?

00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,703

- Hi, Gerald!

- Gerald!

00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:41,829

Sit down, Ger-Ger.

00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,622

"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

is on.

00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:46,125

Oh, no.

You guys all turned gay, too?

00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,210

[Laughter]

00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,546

Not gay, Gerald.

Metrosexual.

00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:51,589

What's that?

00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:53,424

Just because a guy cares

about how he looks

00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,092

and is in touch

with his feminine side

00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,677

doesn't mean he's gay anymore!

00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:58,679

Metrosexual means

you're straight

00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,890

but you appreciate

the gay culture.

00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:03,767

It's super fabulous.

Would you like some shiraz?

00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:06,103

Shiraz is great.

- Don't our men look amazing?

00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,439

Haven't you seen "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy," Sheila?

00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:09,773

These five gay men go around

00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:11,775

and show straight men

how to better themselves.

00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:12,860

It's the best!

00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:13,861

It is?

00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:14,904

Well, sure, Sheila.

00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,697

Our husbands are all so clean

and neat.

00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,241

My Randy irons his clothes

and even has pedicures!

00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,993

And they like to talk

about their feelings now

00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,912

and drink wine

and decorate the house!

00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,706

My Steven shaved his chest

and his balls!

00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:26,874

Ooh, I love it!

00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,250

And how about our boys, huh?

00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,045

Ever since gay culture became

cool, our boys bathe every night

00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:32,880

and brush their teeth

three times a day.

00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,340

This is the greatest thing ever.

00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:35,466

I don't know.

00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:38,469

Sometimes boys take

cultural fads too far.

00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:39,970

[Bell rings]

00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,139

Dude, I can't wait for Wendy

to see how gay I look!

00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,140

That's true, you guys.

00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,892

When the chicks at school

see how gay we are,

00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:46,393

they're gonna be all over us.

00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:47,436

Mrph-mrph!

00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,438

All right.

Let's work it!

00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,107

What the...

00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:54,526

Toodle-oo, Conner.

See ya after classies.

00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:55,486

Okay, sweetums.

00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,154

Oh, my God.

Where is my homework?

00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,031

I am fuh-reaking out!

00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,825

Hey, dudes.

[Up-tempo music plays]

00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:02,743

Hey, Craig.

00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,245

You guys look pretty gay.

00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,287

Thanks!

00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,705

Not as gay as us, though.

00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,208

Oh, please, Craig.

We're 10 times gayer than you!

00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,335

Oh, yeah? We're super-duper

triple-dog gay!

00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,169

Oh, yeah?

00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:14,880

We're ultra-super-stamp-it-

stamp-it-no-erasies-mega gay!

00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,465

What's all this fighting about,

children?

00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,384

These guys are trying to say

they're gayer than us!

00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,094

Oh, no!

00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,387

Don't tell me you children

00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:24,056

have taken up this whole

metrosexual fad, too.

00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:25,224

Oh my God.

00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:27,059

This is not a fad.

This is who we are.

00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:27,977

No, it isn't.

00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,728

Last year, you children

were all trying to be black.

00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,855

Now you're all trying to be gay.

00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:33,065

We're metrosexual!

00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,484

Maybe, but you'll never be

as metrosexual as us.

00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,902

Come on, fags.

[Snaps fingers]

00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,153

God, I hate Craig!

00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,072

That son of a -- gah.

00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:44,451

Chef...I don't feel

very metrosexual.

00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,996

Well, then don't buy into

this fad, Kyle.

00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:49,873

Be who you are, not what's cool.

00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,625

[Bell rings]

00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:54,336

All right, children.

Let's take our seats.

00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,588

[All]

Good morning, Mr. Garrison.

00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:02,094

Well, d-don't you all look nice.

00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,512

Ooh. Timmy.

[Door opens]

00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,055

[Door closes]

00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:07,725

Dude, what are you doing?

00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,601

I didn't feel comfortable

in that stuff, dude.

00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:10,686

I'm just being me.

00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,980

Ha!

Told you you guys were straight.

00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:14,273

We're not straight.

You're straight!

00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:15,274

You're straight!

- You're straight!

00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:16,483

You're straight like a freeway.

00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,027

What the hell is going on?

00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,362

You wish you were gay, Craig!

In your dreams!

00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,614

I'm not just gay.

I'm a catamite.

00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,285

S-So?

I'm half bisexual.

00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,996

Oh, stop it! You kids don't even

know what you're talking about!

00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:30,748

Eric, you're not half bi!

00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:32,082

I'm like a quarter bi.

00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,626

My grandpa was bi,

so that makes me quarter bi.

00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:35,961

What?!

00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:39,381

It was the craziest thing

I've ever seen, Mr. Slave.

00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,550

All the children

were suddenly acting like

00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,801

being gay was cool.

00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,303

I mean, maybe we're not

00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,680

the only gay couple

in town anymore.

00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,974

Oh.

Jesus Christ.

00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,268

[Up-tempo music playing]

00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:54,396

Look at that, Mr. Slave.

00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,691

Our cup runneth over.

00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,485

Jesus Christ.

00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,570

Mr. Garrison,

those are great pants.

00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,198

Thanks, Jimbo.

I really like your outfit, too.

00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:07,493

So -- So, Jimbo, you want to

come back to my place

00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:09,745

with me and Mr. Slave?

00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,497

Uh, for what?

00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,665

Well, you know.

00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:15,667

No.

- Huh.

00:06:15,793 --> 00:06:17,461

Mr. Garrison.

Hey, doll.

00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:18,545

Oh, hey, Randy.

00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,672

You're looking ultra fabulous.

00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,257

Thanks.

You too.

00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,468

So, uh, Randy...

00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:27,721

you want me to give you

a hand job in the bathroom?

00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,140

N-No, thanks.

I'm -- I'm not like that.

00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,393

Not -- Not like that?

00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:34,061

How about some shiraz, guys?

00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,646

Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek.

00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:37,439

My pleasure, silly buns.

00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,357

Oh.

00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:41,860

Well, Mr. Tweek, why don't we,

uh, go back to my place?

00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,195

Why?

00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,655

Well, you know,

I was just thinking

00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,366

we could put on some music

and watch videos

00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,535

and pound Mr. Slave's

tight little ass.

00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:51,578

Ooh.

Jesus Christ.

00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:54,206

Oh! Goodness, no.

I-I'm straight.

00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:56,166

Straight?

Oh...

00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:58,085

Oh, what -- Just what the hell

is going on here?!

00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,128

[Music stops]

Huh?

00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:01,588

Why won't anybody pound

Mr. Slave's butt?

00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,550

Well, we don't pound butt,

Mr. Garrison. We're straight.

00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:07,594

Those pants and those shoes

say you pound butt!

00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:11,181

Hey, now, that's not true.

My shoes don't say I pound butt.

00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,600

No, your shoes say you

take it in the butt.

00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:14,977

It's okay, Mr. Garrison.

00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,396

We've learned that gays

are totally cool.

00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,064

You're just one of us now.

00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,190

Yeah.

- Yeah.

00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:21,525

One of you?!

[Glass breaks]

00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,319

We spend our whole lives

trying not to be one of you!

00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,238

You can't do this to us!

00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:28,657

Have you guys seen this?

00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,325

It's a conditioner

that you can leave in,

00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:32,035

and it detoxifies the scalp.

00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:33,120

Wow.

Is that from Origins?

00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,746

Yeah. It's a charcoal-based

thing that --

00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:38,000

Hey, guys, you want to go

throw the football around?

00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,419

Guys, can I talk to you

over here for a second?

00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,173

Look, guys, a lot of the kids

in school are talking, okay?

00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,633

And they're spreading rumors

that we're not metrosexuals

00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,260

because we hang out with Kyle.

00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,636

Well, what can we do about it?

00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,096

We have no choice, you guys.

00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,223

We're just gonna have to kill

Kyle.

00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,642

What?! That's stupid.

We wouldn't have to kill Kyle.

00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,936

We would just have to tell him

not to hang around us anymore.

00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,146

Oh.

You know, you're right, Stan.

00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:01,607

We just have to tell Kyle

not to hang around us anymore.

00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:03,233

Yeah. Wait. What?

- You hear that, Kenny?

00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,527

Stan thinks we should tell Kyle

not to hang around us anymore.

00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:06,528

I think he's right.

00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,947

Good luck telling him, Stan.

I know it won't be easy.

00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:12,284

Hey, butch boy.

Nice football you got there.

00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,452

[Laughter]

00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:16,580

When was the last time you had

a manicure, straight man?

00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,123

Yeah.

Let's see that hair.

00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,167

Look!

He's not even using any product!

00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:21,793

[ Laughter ]

00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:22,836

Hey, what's going on?

00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,840

Oh, here come the butch boys to

help their butchy little friend.

00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,010

He's not our friend.

00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,598

Stan?

[Down-tempo music plays]

00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,103

This playground is

for metrosexuals, macho man.

00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,231

Take your nonflaming ass

to some other school.

00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,691

Come on. Let's get him.

- Kick his ass!

00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,152

[Indistinct shouting]

00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:51,031

[Birds chirping]

00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:53,367

[Down-tempo music plays]

00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,744

Kyle!

What happened to you?

00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:56,745

[Sniffles]

00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,997

I got beat up at school...

for being different.

00:08:59,122 --> 00:08:59,831

What?!

00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,959

Your classmates beat you up

for being a Jew?

00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,628

No!

For not being a metrosexual.

00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,964

Gerald!

Gerald, get down here.

00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:11,093

He-e-e-re I come!

[Up-tempo music plays]

00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,388

[Camera shutter clicking]

00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:19,309

Oh, no!

Dad's metrosexual, too?!

00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,353

Kyle!

You look terrible!

00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,438

The boys at school

beat him up, Gerald.

00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,774

Oh, really?

Well, don't you worry, Kyle.

00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:28,068

We can cover that black eye up

with some cream base,

00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,404

and the coat and pants

we'll bleach with an acid wash

00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:31,780

for a fun, vintage look.

00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,449

Aah!

Just leave me alone!

00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,911

[TV]

There you go.

Now you look fabulous.

00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:38,745

You see that?

00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,998

A spray-on tan does wonders

for your look.

00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,207

[Growls]

00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:45,002

Let's get down to the tango

class and learn some new steps.

00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:48,171

That does it!

I know what I have to do.

00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,465

[Doorbell rings]

00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,092

Oh.

Hello, Mr. Garrison.

00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:54,011

Chef, can I talk to you?

00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,470

Sure.

Come on in.

00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,514

Thanks.

Come, slave.

00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:02,894

It's just awful, Chef.

00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,730

I used to feel like

an outsider,

00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:07,524

a totally different person

who stood out in this town.

00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,485

Now every straight guy

is acting gayer than me!

00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,030

Oh, Jesus.

Jesus Christ!

00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,656

Well, what do you want me to do

about it?

00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,201

Chef, what did you do when

white people stole your culture?

00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,202

Oh.

00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:21,204

Well, we black people

just always tried to stay

00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,707

out in front of them.

- How did you do that?

00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,083

Well, like with our slang.

00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,502

Black people always used to say

"I'm in the house"

00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:28,754

instead of "I'm here."

00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,922

But then white people all

started to say "in the house,"

00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:32,424

so we switched it

to "in the hizzouse."

00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:33,884

"Hizzouse" became "hizzizzouse."

00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:35,719

And then white folk

started saying that,

00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:38,221

and we had to change it to

"heezie," then "in the hizzle,"

00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,265

which we had to change

to "hizzle for zizzle."

00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,559

And now because white people

say "hizzle for zizzle,"

00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:45,395

we have to say

"flippity floppity floop."

00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,357

We don't have time

for all that, Chef.

00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,026

Oh, if only those "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy" people

00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,153

understood what they were doing.

00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,613

Wait.

That's it!

00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:56,907

I know exactly what to do!

00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:57,908

Come on, Mr. Slave!

00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,077

Let's get back to our

flippity floppity floop.

00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:03,330

Oh, no!

Damn it, don't call it that.

00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:04,873

[Whistle blows]

00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,291

One ticket to New York, please.

00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,335

You're going to New York alone?

00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,754

I'm going to see the "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy" people.

00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,799

Ooh! Great idea. They can help

you with those dated clothes.

00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:15,092

Ugh.

00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,510

[Bell clanging]

00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:18,887

[Dramatic music plays]

00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,645

[Music continues]

00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,898

Mr. Garrison?

00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,274

Kyle.

What are you doing here?

00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,275

I'm going to New York

00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:34,069

to kill the "Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy" people.

00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,654

What?!

That's what I'm doing!

00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:38,532

Oh, no. They ruined my life.

I get to kill them first.

00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,283

They took gay culture

from real gays,

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:41,868

and their asses are ours!

00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,620

I thought of it first!

- No, you didn't! No, you didn't!

00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:44,621

Did so! Did so!

00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,748

I thought of it yesterday!

- I thought of it two days ago!

00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,250

I thought of it

before you were born!

00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,210

Stop it, you two!

Stop it!

00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,504

Don't you see how crazy this is?

00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,006

Oh, you're right, Mr. Slave.

00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,008

We can both kill them together.

00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:57,968

Cool.

00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,138

Wow.

We look great!

00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,515

Yeah.

Let's see Craig outgay us now.

00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,891

Boys, boys, come on!

00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,685

There's a sale

down at Express for Men!

00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,645

[Up-tempo music plays]

00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,648

Hey, guys, there's a sale

at Express for Men!

00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:12,733

Oh, my God!

- Sale at Express?!

00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:13,859

Let's go!

- Let's go!

00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,528

You guys have got to see

these shoes I bought!

00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:19,030

Hurry, you guys!

The mall closes in seven hours!

00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:22,200

Oh, why can't we all live

at the mall?

00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,161

You know, I'm starting to think

00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:27,205

this whole metrosexual thing

isn't so great.

00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,248

I know what you mean.

00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:31,251

All my husband ever does now is

look at himself in the mirror.

00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,879

He cares more about how he looks

than how I look.

00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:37,382

I hope something happens soon

to put an end to this whole fad.

00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,136

Guys, you've done

a terrific job.

00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,847

"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

is our number-one show.

00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,140

[Cheering]

00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,392

What can I say?

We're fabulous.

00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,978

You guys are changing the world.

00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,647

And tomorrow,

we're gonna have you make over

00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,775

the president

of the United States!

00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,109

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna faint.

00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:58,069

[Knock on door]

00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,030

Room service.

00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:01,948

What? We didn't order

any room service.

00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:05,869

Oh. Well, the woman

at the front desk sent it up.

00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,412

Carol?

I'll have to check on this.

00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,706

Excuse me a minute, fellas.

00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:13,418

[Suspenseful music plays]

00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:14,628

Clear!

00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:16,213

Okay, Mr. Slave!

00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:23,595

[ Grunts ]

Jesus...Christ.

00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,931

Well, crap.

That didn't work.

00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,185

You better shut up, Craig.

- Everyone knows it's true.

00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,520

It is not!

- Is so.

00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,063

Craig, behave yourself.

00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,190

Yeah, Stanley.

What are you fighting about?

00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,859

Dad, Craig's trying to say

that his dad can outdress you.

00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,654

What? Son, that's a silly thing

to fight about.

00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,573

Yeah. Everyone already knows

I dress better than Randy.

00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:44,825

Oh, really?

00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,494

I mean, you do have the fashion

sense of a Japanese woman.

00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:48,870

Ooh!

- Ooh!

00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,038

Please, girlfriend.

00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,624

You look like some kind of

Little Orphan Annie nightmare.

00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,001

Oh, no!

- Burn!

00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,546

Oh, stop it.

Will you all just stop it?!

00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,632

Look, you guys are

carrying this fad too far.

00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,717

Will you please stop acting

this way?

00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:06,888

You don't...like us

being metrosexual?

00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,306

[All]

No!

00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,976

Well, you know what I think?

00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,978

I think you're all metrophobic!

00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,563

[All] Yeah!

- What?

00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,481

We shouldn't be fighting

amongst ourselves.

00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,192

We should be uniting

against metrophobes like these.

00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,527

This is crazy.

00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:24,698

Crazy, different, outcasts --

call us what you want.

00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,784

But us metros are real people,

just like you.

00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,954

You can metro-bash us all you

want, but we're here to stay.

00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,123

Yeah, Mom.

We're proud of who we are.

00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,333

That's right -- proud.

You know what I think, guys?

00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,919

I think we should have

a metrosexual-pride parade.

00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,839

Great idea, Eric --

raise metrosexual awareness!

00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,758

We can make floats and decorate

them with streamers and flowers.

00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:45,552

Mrph-mrph!

- Come on, fellas!

00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:47,596

Out of the malls

and into the streets!

00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,180

[All] Out of the malls

and into the streets!

00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:50,557

Out of the malls

and into the streets!

00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,976

What the hell did that show do

to them?

00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,355

You sure you don't

want to press charges?

00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,440

That's okay, Officer.

00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,317

I think they learned

murder is wrong.

00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,319

Especially in those pants.

00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,322

Look, guys, we're sorry

we tried to murder you,

00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,699

but you have to stop

what you're doing.

00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,285

Are you crazy?

We're the hottest thing on TV.

00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,203

But don't you see the price?

00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,664

You're selling out

your own kind.

00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,000

Look, us gays have created

a lifestyle,

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,044

a-a culture

that is uniquely ours.

00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,838

If we keep trying to make

straight people into us,

00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:25,383

we're gonna have no identity

left.

00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,010

[Down-tempo music plays]

00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:29,471

Sorry, Charlie.

No sale.

00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:33,516

But --

But this doesn't make sense!

00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:36,478

How can gay men do this

to their own people?!

00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:41,566

Unless...you're not gay at all.

00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:46,529

[Deep voice] You just

had to push it, didn't you?

00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:49,115

[Deep voice] Just had to

keep asking questions.

00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,744

[Deep voice]

Now you know the truth.

00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,413

They aren't gay?

Then what are they?

00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,082

[Deep voice]

For a thousand years,

00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,292

our kind have lived

beneath the earth's crust,

00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,711

banished by man

in the kindling wars.

00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,505

Oh my God.

00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,424

[Dramatic music plays]

00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,344

[Fabric ripping]

00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,888

We are the crab people!

00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,139

[Screams]

00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,599

Jesus Christ!

00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:19,145

[All Chanting]

Crab people...crab people.

00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:23,191

Crab people...crab people.

00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:27,237

[Down-tempo music plays]

00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,031

[Claws clicking]

00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:34,119

[All Chanting]

Crab people...crab people...

00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,246

crab people.

00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:38,331

See now where we have been

forced to live

00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,208

for a thousand years.

00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,711

But soon we shall rule

the land above,

00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,754

and mankind will be gone!

00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,506

Gone?!

00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:50,385

[All Chanting]

Crab people...crab people.

00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:54,389

Crab people are too small and

weak to take over man by force,

00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:58,268

and so we came up

with our perfect plan.

00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:00,520

[All Chanting]

Crab people...

00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,022

[Music continues]

00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:05,650

[High-pitched voice] If you

can't beat man, change man.

00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:06,735

I knew it.

00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,404

I knew gay people would never

do this to their own kind.

00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,364

When all the world

is metrosexual,

00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:14,868

the crab people

shall finally reign supreme!

00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:19,164

[All Chanting]

Crab people...crab people.

00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,625

Tastes like crab,

talk like people.

00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,003

[All Chanting]

Crab people.

00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,630

You'll never turn me

into a metrosexual!

00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,966

I like being a dirty,

filthy little boy!

00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:30,925

Very well.

00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:33,928

If we can't make you

into metrosexuals,

00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:37,265

then we will make you

into crab people.

00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,600

Take them!

00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,185

[Claws clicking]

00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,771

♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:45,482

♪ You came into my life ♪

[All Chanting] Crab people.

00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,026

♪ And my world never

looked so bright, yeah ♪

00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,486

[All chanting]

Crab people.

00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,571

♪ It's true you bring out

the best in me ♪

00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:52,614

[All chanting]

Crab people.

00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,491

♪ When you are around ♪

00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,743

♪ When you are around ♪

[All chanting] Crab people.

00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:59,245

♪ All things just keep

getting better ♪

00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,164

[All chanting]

Crab people.

00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,583

Tom, I'm standing in South Park,

Colorado,

00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:06,711

where the first annual

Metrosexual Pride Parade

00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,046

is under way.

00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:09,255

Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,382

Yeah!

- Metro pride!

00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,134

[Chanting, clapping hands]

We're here! We're not queer!

00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,053

But we're close!

Get used to it!

00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:16,387

We're here!

We're not queer!

00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:17,639

But we're close!

Get used to it!

00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,475

That does it.

I can't take it anymore!

00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,269

I should have never wished

for a cleaner, neater husband.

00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:26,981

Ladies, get your things.

I know what we have to do.

00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,901

[Indistinct shouting]

00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,319

Whoa!

Look out!

00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,988

[Glass breaking]

00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,241

Oh, my God!

It's on fire!

00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:37,951

Put it out!

Put it out!

00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,203

I can't do anything.

These are brand-new pants.

00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,122

The heat could really damage

our hair.

00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,957

We'd better let the police

handle this.

00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:46,918

Are you crazy?

I just had my uniform pressed.

00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,212

Oh, Jesus! It's burning!

- Oh, my God!

00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,256

Put it out! Put it out!

- Jesus!

00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:52,632

Fire!

00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,551

[Up-tempo music plays]

00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,470

Mr. President, it is such

an honor to make you over.

00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,597

Now, we've got to do something

with your hair.

00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,808

And your nails are filthy.

Let's get those clean.

00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:03,977

This is gay gold!

00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:06,813

Stop them!

They're crab people!

00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,357

They cannot see or hear us,

foolish man.

00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,608

Now stand by and watch

00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,194

as your pitiful race

becomes helpless!

00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,280

That is very good,

Mr. President.

00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,740

Now put on this silk jacket.

00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,617

No, Mr. President!

Don't do it!

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,661

[Muffled] Help!

- You bastards.

00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,831

That looks great.

Now, how about some moisturizer?

00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,249

[Dramatic music plays]

00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,959

There they are!

Get 'em!

00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,085

What?

00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,963

You turned our husbands

into whiny little wusses!

00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,923

It's payback time!

00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,176

[Indistinct shouting]

00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,470

Oh, my God!

What are they doing?

00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:41,931

No! No!

00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:45,560

[Shouting, glass breaking]

00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,729

Wha-- What have you done?

00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,982

We're sorry,

but we didn't have a choice.

00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,734

You see, at first we liked

00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,694

having our men be clean

and neat.

00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,529

We thought that having them

use product in their hair

00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:58,990

and wanting facials

would make them sexier,

00:19:59,115 --> 00:19:59,991

but it doesn't.

00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:01,034

That's right.

00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,203

Even though my Stephen

sicks me out sometimes,

00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:06,247

it's his rugged, manly grossness

that I'm attracted to.

00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,625

We're sorry, but we knew

that the only answer

00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,877

was to kill

the "Queer Eye" guys.

00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,795

Well, you're going to jail for

th--

00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:15,715

[Rumbling]

Wait a minute. What is that?

00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,176

No!

Our evil plans!

00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,178

[Weakly]

No.

00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,056

Oh my God.

00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,891

They were crab people.

00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:25,850

Yes!

00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,894

They were trying to

systematically make men

00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,396

into wusses so they could

take over the world.

00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,232

Mom!

- Kyle!

00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,108

I should have known

they were crab people.

00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,110

They tried this before

with "The Jeffersons".

00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,280

So now can you please change

your network's programming?

00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,406

Yes.

00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,408

Yes.

I think this gay fad is over.

00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,285

Gentlemen, back to studio 12.

00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,621

We're gonna bring back

the Latin fad.

00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:51,209

[Mid-tempo music plays]

00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,460

Hey, eses.

00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,713

Hey, jefe.

You want some cerveza?

00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,465

[Bell rings]

00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,092

Kyle.

00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,761

Hey, ese, you want to come

play catch with us?

00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,555

What? You want me to hang out

with you?

00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,599

Yeah, it's cool, homes.

00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,434

No, dude, it really isn't cool.

00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,186

You all turned your backs on me.

00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:12,021

You're supposed to be my

best friends, and you just --

00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,648

you treated me like nothing.

00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,400

And now you all expect me

to just forget it all

00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:18,027

and hang out with you again

like nothing happened?

00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,988

Oh, Jesus, Kyle. Don't be

such a whiny little gaywad.

00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,030

Come play catch with us.

00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:23,408

Yeah.

Don't be such a fag, dude.

00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:35,003

God damn it.