Самый большой говнюк во Вселенной

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♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

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♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

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♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

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♪ Timmy, Timmy,

liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪

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♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

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Be careful with my baby!

00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,420

What have we got?

00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,422

Not sure.

Looks like a possible code 56.

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Kenny...shut up, Kenny!

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You're going to be okay, baby.

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Get me 50cc of ketamine stat!

00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,805

And get something

for the kid, too.

00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:55,890

Is he going to be okay?

00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,476

Let the doctor do his work,

ma'am.

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Doctor! Did you find out

what's wrong with him?

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I'm afraid he's...

running out of time.

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Why?

What's wrong with him?

00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,533

It's his time --

It's running out.

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Well, what does he need?

00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,829

He needs to have more time.

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What can we do?

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Well, I suppose we could try

a time transplant.

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I'll have to call in

a specialist.

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It's going to be okay, baby.

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We're going to get you

more time.

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Kenny!

God damn you, Kenny!

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Hello, there, children.

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Chef, Cartman

is in the hospital.

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They think he might die.

- Yeah.

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And we don't know

whether or not we should care.

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Well, what's wrong with him?

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Nobody seems to know,

but we think

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it's because he drank

Kenny's soul four weeks ago.

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Kenny's ashes were in an urn,

and Cartman drank it,

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thinking it was

chocolate-milk mix.

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Children, why didn't you tell me

about this sooner?

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Like we said, we didn't know

whether or not we should care.

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Well, you should.

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Cartman is your friend,

whether you like him or not.

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Now, come on!

We got to get to that hospital!

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He's looking

a little better today.

00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:04,083

Yes, but his time

is still getting weaker.

00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,252

It will give out soon

unless we do something.

00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,964

Hey, guys!

How's it going?

00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:10,965

Cartman?

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No, that's Kenny.

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What the hell are

you assholes doing here?

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That's Cartman.

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Oh, my God!

00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,348

Eric, how long

have you been channeling Kenny?

00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,266

About a month.

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Let's not validate

his delusions.

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Kenny? Kenny, do you know

what you need to get free?

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He's gone again.

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Ms. Cartman,

we need to get Eric to a medium

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who can speak with people

who have crossed over.

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What?!

That's preposterous!

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What this child needs

is a time transplant!

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This hospital isn't gonna do

any good.

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We need to take him

to see John Edward.

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I've seen that guy.

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He has a show

where he brings people on

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and talks

to their dead relatives.

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That's right. We have to

go see him in New York.

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I warn you, Ms. Cartman --

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your son's time could give out

at any minute.

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He needs to be kept here,

where his time can be monitored.

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What should I do?

00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,132

I'm playing roulette

with my child's life!

00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,342

Wait. "Hairspray" is showing

in New York, isn't it?

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Let's go there.

- Good.

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You children need to come, too.

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Eric needs all the support

he can get right now.

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We're going to New York?

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Welcome aboard

flight 673 to New York.

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We are happy to show you a

feature film during the flight.

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In a moment,

we'll be showing a preview.

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Oh, cool!

We get to watch a movie?

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Awesome.

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Rob Schneider was an animal.

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Then he was a woman.

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And now Rob Schneider is...

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...a stapler!

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And he's about to find out

that being a stapler...

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is harder than it looks.

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Rob Schneider is...

"The Stapler."

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Rated PG-13.

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Weak.

- Weak.

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That was Kenny laughing, not me.

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This must be the place.

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Okay, audience members.

Hi.

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Welcome to the taping

of the show.

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It's all general seating

in there.

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Just remember,

Mr. Edward might not hear

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from the particular dead person

you want to talk to.

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So just keep an open mind.

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Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure

he'll be able to help you.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

John Edward.

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Thank you.

Thank you.

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All right.

Let's get started.

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It's coming from over here.

00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,335

Does the name Mike mean anything

to anybody?

00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,630

I'm getting -- I'm getting Mike.

Definitely an "M."

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Maybe Matt.

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Mike. Matt.

M...Mike.

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M-Mary.

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Mary was my mother!

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Okay. Okay.

And she -- she's -- she died?

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Yes.

Y-Yes, she did.

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And she's telling me there's

something about the money,

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that the money is safe --

Is that making sense?

00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,147

Mm.

Not really.

00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,400

It must be from somewhere else

in the audience. Money? Someone?

00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,610

Uh, over here, please.

- We have a dead friend.

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Quiet -- Quiet down, boys.

It doesn't work that way.

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Uh, okay.

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I-I'm getting someone now

whose name is J...

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T...

It's an L...

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It's an M...

It's a K...

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Kenny!

- Kenny says hi.

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Wow!

00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,793

Okay. Now I'm getting

that Kenny died.

00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,129

We told you that.

- And this wasn't a good death.

00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:56,922

It was, like, a sad death.

It was, like, a --

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It was, like, a death

that made people sad.

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Does that make sense?

00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,427

Yeah.

00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,929

Oh!

00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,849

Look, uh, Mr. Edward,

can you just ask Kenny

00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,809

how we can get him out, please?

- Doesn't work that way.

00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,811

Kenny is telling me

that you were his best friends

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and he's in a safe place.

00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,023

No, no.

He's trapped in Cartman's body.

00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,025

Ooh. There's somebody with him.

Who's Kyle?

00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,109

I'm Kyle!

00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,486

Oh, right.

And did an older woman pass?

00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,322

She's asking for Kyle.

Maybe a grandma.

00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,407

Yeah! My grandma!

She's here?

00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,159

She says there was something

she asked you to do

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and you're not doing it.

00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,037

She wants you to look

for four white doves.

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Oh, my God!

00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,414

Oh, now she's sending me

a "P" word.

00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,041

Maybe it's a "B" or a "H."

00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,709

My Harry died last year!

00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,085

Oh, it's coming

from over here.

00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,920

I'm getting all kinds

of voices today. Whoo!

00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:39,256

Hey, wait a minute, dude.

00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,050

Okay. Now, Harry.

He's telling me...

00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,886

Oh. Well, he's saying

that you two used to do things.

00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,137

Mm-hmm.

00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,514

And that those things

involved...stuff?

00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,433

The things did involve stuff!

Yes!

00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,226

Oh!

- Oh, wow! Wow!

00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:52,895

Oh, man.

00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,397

I can't believe I got fooled

by that asshole.

00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,232

He seemed better on TV?

- Yeah.

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They must edit his shows down

on television

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to only show him getting

mostly right answers.

00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,155

Grandma's watching me.

Always watching me.

00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,199

You don't believe that guy

talked to your grandma, do you?

00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,701

Ah-ba-ba! Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba!

- Eric?

00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,454

It must be his time.

I think it's running out!

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We've got no choice.

00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,499

The only people I know now

who might be able to help Eric

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are my parents.

00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,877

We'll have to take

the next flight to Scotland.

00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,257

Okay, children. This is

your flight back to Colorado.

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Your parents are meeting you

at the airport in Denver.

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We don't get to go to Scotland?

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It's too far, and your

parents want you back home.

00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,598

Oh, well. Good luck getting

Kenny out of you, fatso.

00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,599

Thanks, asshole.

00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,975

Come on.

We got to catch our plane.

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You children get

right on that plane, now!

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This is a final

boarding announcement

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for flight 342 to Denver.

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That's us. Come on.

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Four white birds!

- Huh?

00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,111

There's four white birds!

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This is what Grandma wants!

00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,322

She wants me to attend

Jewleeard.

00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,616

Dude, you were going to see

four white birds eventually.

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So is it a coincidence

that Grandma did talk to me

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about me going to Jewleeard

someday?

00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,122

Yes. Now, come on.

Our plane's gonna leave.

00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,748

I'm not going back.

- What?!

00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,792

I have to join Jewleeard

and make Grandma proud.

00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,294

Tell my parents I'll call them.

- Kyle! No! Kyle!

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Aw, crap!

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Hey. I need to talk

to Mr. Edward, please.

00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,929

He doesn't do

private readings.

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I'm not here for a reading.

I need to ask him something.

00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,474

All right.

Come on in.

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Just wait here.

I'll go fetch him.

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Jesus Christ.

00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,482

Here he is.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

John Edward.

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Thank you.

Thank you.

00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,326

Hey, I need to ask you

a big favor.

00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,786

You did a reading

of my best friend,

00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,288

and, uh,

you kind of messed him up.

00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,539

Oh.

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"'The John Edward Show'

is not liable for opinions

00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,544

and materials given for

entertainment purposes only."

00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,589

Look, my friend Kyle won't fly

back home to Colorado.

00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:44,923

All I need you to do

is talk to him

00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,301

and tell him the whole talking

to dead people isn't for real.

00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:48,427

Maybe it is for real.

00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,220

Right. But it's not.

It's a trick you do.

00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,722

I need you to let my friend

know that

00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:52,931

so he can go on with his life.

00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,224

People have the right

to be skeptical.

00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,684

I really hear voices in my head.

00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,269

Yes. We all hear voices

in our heads.

00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,395

It's called intuition.

00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,397

Get over yourself and tell

my friend it's just for fun.

00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:01,815

What I do doesn't hurt anybody.

00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,151

I give people closure

and help them cope with life.

00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,360

No, you give them false hope

00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,778

and a belief in something

that isn't real.

00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:07,905

But I'm a psychic.

00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,114

No, dude.

You're a douche.

00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240

I'm not a douche!

00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,326

What if I really believe

dead people talk to me?

00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,619

Then you're a stupid douche.

00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,579

I think I've had enough

of your bullying me.

00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,164

Get out of my house,

or I'll run upstairs,

00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,291

lock myself in my panic room,

and call the police!

00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,501

I'm 9 years old.

00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,003

I'm not talking to your friend,

and I'm not a douche!

00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,213

You better get out of my house,

00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,507

'cause I'm gonna call

the police!

00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,008

You are so a douche!

00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,135

I'm nominating you for Biggest

Douche in the Universe Award,

00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,136

you douche!

00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,775

Son of a bitch.

00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,075

Kenny!

Shut up, Kenny!

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,243

You shut up, fat-ass!

00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,537

Hang in there, sweetie.

We'll be there soon.

00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,580

Welcome aboard Scotland air.

00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,208

Our trip to Edinburgh

should take about 12 hours.

00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:03,210

Twelve hours?!

Jesus Christ!

00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,211

In the meantime,

00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,255

we'd like to show you

a complimentary film.

00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,506

Oh, good.

00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,885

Rob Schneider

is a Wall Street executive

00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,012

with everything going for him.

00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,641

Only problem is

he's about to become...

00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,768

...a carrot!

00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,769

I'm a carrot?!

00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,313

It's 24-carrot comedy.

00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:26,149

Rob Schneider is..."A Carrot."

00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,360

Rated PG-13.

00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,988

Oh, for the love of Christ --

I want to watch, fat boy!

00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,656

No, Kenny!

It's not funny!

00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,368

Kyle! Kyle!

00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,288

Don't try and stop me, Stan.

This is what my grandma wants.

00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,914

I went and saw

that John Edward guy.

00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,124

He's just a big douche.

00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,251

He's not a douche.

He talked to my grandma.

00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,670

You can't run your life based on

what some douchy psychic said.

00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,505

They all just use a technique

called cold reading.

00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:49,840

They've used it

for hundreds of years

00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:51,675

to make people believe them.

- Hey. Whoa, now.

00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,135

John Edward is for real.

00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,595

No, he's not.

- Yeah.

00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,432

My sister told me he knew our

mother's name and when she died.

00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,850

John Edward?

Oh, yeah.

00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,852

I heard he walked up

to a guy on the street

00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,062

and said his dead father

wanted to say happy birthday,

00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,606

and it was his birthday!

00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,233

Yeah, kid.

How do you explain that?

00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,360

All right. Look.

I'll show you.

00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,070

I just need a volunteer.

How about you?

00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,572

Oh! Me?

00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,243

I'm gonna pretend a dead person

is talking to me about you.

00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,202

Okay.

00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:20,287

Okay.

Watch, Kyle.

00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,371

It's an older man.

00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,415

Someone very close to you.

- My father?

00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,834

Does this month, November,

hold a special significance?

00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,919

My birthday's in November!

00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,255

Right. Because he's saying,

"Tell her happy birthday."

00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,673

Oh, my God!

- See, Kyle?

00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:32,841

I started with something

really vague.

00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,217

I chose "older man"

because I'm betting that,

00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,303

based on this woman's age,

her father is most likely dead.

00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,471

But if her father wasn't dead,

00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,139

I could still say

it was some other older man.

00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,433

But how'd you know her birthday

was in November?

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,518

I didn't. I just asked her

if November meant anything.

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,020

Her father could have died

in November,

00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,897

or Thanksgiving could've been

really special for them.

00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,316

But I go with the birthday

and validate it now as if I knew

00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,318

by saying, "He wishes you

a happy birthday."

00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:52,986

What else does he say?

00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,571

Okay.

I'll just use an old standard.

00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,948

He's saying, "The money.

Stop worrying about the money."

00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,450

Oh, my God!

00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,119

My sister and I have been

fighting over his inheritance!

00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,621

That's amazing.

- No, it isn't.

00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,706

When a father dies,

inheritance is usually an issue.

00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,541

And money is something

everyone worries about.

00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,710

That sounds a little

too coincidental.

00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,629

Yes.

There's only one explanation.

00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,631

This kid can communicate

with the dead!

00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:13,632

Oh!

- Wow!

00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,008

What?!

- I want to talk to my mother.

00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,218

Can you try to reach

my grandfather?

00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:16,968

No. Wait!

00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,096

You have to tell me if my sister

is in a good place, okay?

00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,263

Yeah, help me out, too!

- I'm next!

00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,515

Hey! Get out of my way!

- Here. D-Do me!

00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,601

Kid, how would you like your own

talking-to-the-dead show?

00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,695

Hi, Pop!

00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,572

Junior! Aw, son,

it's good to see you, now.

00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,324

These are my friends --

the Cartmans.

00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,493

Well, come on in

out of the cold, now!

00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,829

There's heavy fog

on the moors tonight.

00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:45,997

Well, look what the cat

dragged in, Nelly!

00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,666

Oh, my baby come home!

00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:48,709

Hi, Mama!

00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,128

Lord, I thought you

wasn't coming till 9:00.

00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,338

Mom, this is my friend

Ms. Cartman.

00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:54,798

Please call me Liane.

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,967

So nice to have you here, Liane.

00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,010

And is this the children

you told us about?

00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,429

Yeah, Pop.

This is Eric.

00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,347

Well, let's see here.

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,474

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,059

Mm-hmm.

00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,645

Yep. There is definitely more

than one children in there.

00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:09,646

Oh, dear.

00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,314

Nelly, you best have at it, now.

00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,651

Oh, Lord, and I just put

the roast in the oven, too.

00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,112

Ain't gonna have no time now

to baste it.

00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,363

Don't nobody blame me.

00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,906

Woman can't baste no roast

00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,200

and do everything else

at the same time.

00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,327

I ain't saying the roast

is gonna be terrible.

00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,954

Maybe just a little dry.

00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,290

But I suppose we can make

some extra gravy

00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,208

to take the dryness out later.

00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,794

All right, children.

Stand up on this chair, now.

00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,255

Right now?

- Yes, right now.

00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,549

La-kah-ma!

Ka-ras-beh-ma!

00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,217

Come on, now!

- Whoa! Whoa! Watch it, lady!

00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,261

Just stay still, Eric.

Mom knows what she's doing.

00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,471

Come out there, now!

00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,431

At a very young age,

00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,516

one young boy learned

he had a special gift.

00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,185

This is "The Other Side."

00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,232

Okay.

Listen to me.

00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,567

Listen very carefully.

00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,862

This is a trick that I am doing.

Okay? Watch.

00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,405

All I'm gonna do is say a name

00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,240

that I'm gonna pick

at random, okay?

00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:05,535

They want me to acknowledge Pete

or Peter.

00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,037

Yes! Yes! My Peter!

00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,373

No!

Stop clapping!

00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,750

All I did was pick a random name

00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,960

and wait for somebody in

the audience to give a response.

00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,421

Now that I see that there is

a lone woman crying,

00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,423

my instinct tells me

Peter was her husband.

00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,425

So I say,

"Peter was your husband?"

00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,428

Yes! Yes! Yes!

My husband, Peter!

00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,889

Oh!

- Oh, wow!

00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,682

Stop it!

I didn't do anything!

00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:28,934

You knew Peter was dead!

00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,602

I didn't start by saying,

"Peter is dead."

00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,230

I started by saying, "They want

me to acknowledge Peter."

00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,648

That could've meant

Peter was in the audience

00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,191

or Peter was somebody's friend

or Peter had died.

00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,609

I couldn't be wrong.

See?

00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,903

Now, I can look at this woman

and that she's fairly young.

00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,155

So odds are her husband was

fairly young when he died.

00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,657

So I can say something like,

00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:45,992

"I'm getting that Peter's death

was very untimely."

00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,494

Yes, it was.

00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,496

Oh!

- Amazing!

00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,873

Ask Peter if he knows

my little Billy!

00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,001

Okay.

Let's back up.

00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,755

Not literally!

00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,799

Lord, come out!

Come out, spirit, now!

00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,716

Come on, now!

00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,760

In the name of all that is holy,

00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,263

we demand this spirit

be set free!

00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,892

There we go.

We're getting something, now.

00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769

Come on out, spirit soul!

00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,105

Come on out, now!

It's safe!

00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,273

Aah!

00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:19,150

Here it comes!

The spirit is coming out now.

00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,738

Ooh.

That's the potatoes.

00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,785

Well, hold on the potatoes

two seconds, woman!

00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,287

The soul's coming out now.

00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:32,998

Aah-ga-ga!

Aah-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!

00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:33,915

It's almost out.

00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,544

All right, son.

Now bring me the victim child.

00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,546

The victim child?

- Yeah!

00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,965

You know --

the child that we sacrifice

00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,467

so we could put Kenny's soul

into its body.

00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,598

Oh, Lord. They didn't bring

a victim child.

00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,933

Where were we gonna find

a child to sacrifice?

00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,269

We weren't gonna ask you

where you got it from.

00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,438

Raba-raba!

- God damn it!

00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,607

The spirit's out,

and it don't have nowhere to go!

00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,942

Oh, Thomas, don't let it get

on the curtains!

00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,324

Rob Schneider derp-da-derp.

00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:10,410

Derp-de-derpity-derpy-derp.

00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:14,581

Until one day...

a-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.

00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,168

Derp-de-derp, ta-tittaly-tum!

00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,712

Oh! Whoa!

Whoa!

00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:25,300

From the creators of "Der"

and "Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, "

00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,927

Rob Schneider is...

00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,889

"Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley

Derpee Derpee Dumb."

00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,974

Rated PG-13.

00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,354

Here.

Look, Kyle.

00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:38,939

I found tons of testimonials

on the Internet

00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,941

saying John Edward

has the entire studio wired

00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:43,026

to hear what people are talking

about before the show

00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,278

and he pays actors to be plants

in the audience.

00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,489

You're just jealous

he's a better psychic than you.

00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,531

Fine!

I give up!

00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,909

You want to stay in New York,

then go ahead!

00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,081

So, you think you can talk to

dead people better than me, huh?

00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,832

No. I don't think

either one of us can.

00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,793

They told me your show

is getting better ratings,

00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,920

that you're saying I'm a fraud

on your show.

00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,589

You better not ever call me

a liar or a fake

00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,759

or a douche again or else

I'll sue you for slander!

00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,511

I am saying this to you,

John Edward.

00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,012

You are a liar,

you are a fake,

00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,348

and you are the biggest douche

ever.

00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,642

Everything I tell people

is positive and gives them hope.

00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,519

How does that make me a douche?!

00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,396

The big questions in life

are tough -- Why are we here?

00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:20,730

Where are we from?

Where are we going?

00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,024

But if people believe in asshole

douchy liars like you,

00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,110

we're never gonna find the real

answer to those questions.

00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,111

You aren't just lying,

00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,197

you're slowing down the progress

of all mankind, you douche.

00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,490

I'm not a douche!

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,951

And I challenge you

to a psychic showdown!

00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,954

I'll prove to the world

that I'm psychic and you're not!

00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,122

Fine, douche!

00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,415

I'm not a douche!

00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,295

Come on! The soul's in here!

00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,464

It's panicking now!

It's going to the light!

00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,216

Unfortunately

it's the living-room light.

00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,885

I'll open a window.

You try to chase it out, Thomas.

00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,887

Go on, now, soul, now!

00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,347

Here, spirit!

Come out the window!

00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,724

I'll give you three-fitty!

00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,727

Now, don't go offering the soul

no three-fitty, woman!

00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,729

I'm just trying to persuade it.

- Well, I know!

00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,481

But you could at least start

at a buck-o-five or something.

00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:05,358

Aw, Christmas!

There it goes again!

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,153

It's heading for the kitchen!

Oh, Thomas! The pot roast!

00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,947

Over here!

- Don't let it get in the roast!

00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,912

Oh. Well.

00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,582

I guess the child's a pot roast

now.

00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,250

What do we do with it now?

00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,419

Well, I'll wrap it up

with some plastic wrap

00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,087

so you can take it home

with you.

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,381

Should last a few months

in the freezer.

00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,924

Hey, I feel a lot better.

00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,259

Eric!

You're okay!

00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,386

Oh, baby!

Your time is back!

00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,348

This child is clean.

00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,350

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's "Psychic Showdown."

00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,603

Here are John Edward

and Stan Marsh.

00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,647

Thank you.

00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:45,815

All right, asshole.

00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,484

I know you're here

to try to throw me off.

00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,277

So go ahead --

give me your best shot.

00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,570

No, I don't want to talk to you.

00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,447

I want to talk to the audience.

- W-Why?

00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,698

You see,

I learned something today.

00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,158

At first I thought

you were all just stupid,

00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,202

listening to this douche's

advice, but now I understand

00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,745

that you're all here

because you're scared.

00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,080

You're scared of death,

and he offers you

00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,748

some kind of understanding.

00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,249

You all want to believe in it

so much.

00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:04,250

I know you do.

00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,877

You find comfort in the thought

that your loved ones

00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,796

are floating around, trying to

talk to you, but think about it.

00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,298

Is that really what you want --

to just be floating around

00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,300

after you die,

having to talk to this asshole?

00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,346

We need to recognize this stuff

for what it is -- magic tricks.

00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,807

Because whatever is really

going on in life and in death

00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683

is much more amazing

than this douche.

00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:32,112

You're right, Stan!

00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,613

My grandma

isn't floating around,

00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,156

judging me

and watching what I do.

00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,367

She's dead.

Dead and gone forever!

00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,368

Yeah.

00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,912

But I do have a special power!

I know I do!

00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,080

There's nothing special

about you, dude.

00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,415

Get over yourself.

- God damn it, I'm special!

00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,586

What the...

00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:04,394

Greetings from the Janax galaxy.

We seek the great John Edward.

00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:06,646

Why, that...that's me!

00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,982

Sir, it is an honor to meet you.

00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:11,818

Well, thank you very much!

00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:12,694

No. It can't be.

00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,070

I am Quagmar,

00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,948

and this is the intergalactic

BDIU Committee.

00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,617

Mr. Edward,

it is my honor to inform you

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:23,371

that you have been nominated for

Biggest Douche in the Universe!

00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,415

What?!

00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,042

You are the first nominee

from the Milky Way galaxy.

00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,378

Congratulations.

- Oh, dude!

00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,547

If you'll step into

our Blavlafrede,

00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,633

we'll give you a first-class

ride to the awards show.

00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,719

No! Wait!

I'm not a douche!

00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:40,054

I make people feel good

about themselves!

00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,765

I give people resolution!

00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,191

Now do you people believe me?

00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,401

I don't know.

00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,653

How'd Edward know

my father died in March?

00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,741

God damn it!

That was a long flight!

00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,285

I thought we'd never get out

of stinky-ass, smelly Scotland!

00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:05,079

It's so good to have you acting

like yourself again, sweetie.

00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,457

Well, come on. We better get

Kenny back to his parents.

00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,834

Wait a minute.

Who's got the pot roast?

00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,836

I thought you got it.

- It's still at baggage claim!

00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,464

Aw, damn it. Come on!

We got to find him!

00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:15,423

Kenny!

00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,427

Rob Schneider is a somewhat

popular comedic actor

00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:23,223

who seemed to have it all...

until one day

00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:26,351

- he came across a pot roast...

00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,270

...and his life changed forever.

00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,149

Now he's sharing his body

with an 8-year-old boy.

00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:37,570

And he's about to find out

that being 8...

00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,906

Oh!

- ...ain't so great.

00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:43,409

Rob Schneider is "Kenny."

00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,870

Rated PG-13.

00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:49,582

Live from the space station Zyed

in the Voxlyn galaxy,

00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:52,585

it's the Biggest Douche

in the Universe Award!

00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:56,589

This year's nominees are...

00:20:56,714 --> 00:21:00,760

Graglar the Destructor,

Andromeda galaxy, planet J-11.

00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,765

Dormanta unit five,

Jalax galaxy, planet Heelym.

00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,767

Der-r-r-r!

00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,645

John Edward, Milky Way galaxy,

planet Earth.

00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,314

I'm not a douche!

00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,276

And finally

Ursala the Giant Douche

00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:19,237

from the Horsehead nebula,

station J-12.

00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,741

And the winner for Biggest

Douche in the Universe is...

00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:28,246

It's John Edward,

Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth!

00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:30,623

Oh, now -- Come on, now!

00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,125

♪ Here he is ♪

00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:35,545

♪ The biggest douche

of the universe ♪

00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,422

♪ In all the galaxies ♪

00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:40,758

♪ There's no bigger douche

than you ♪

00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,593

♪ You've reached the top ♪

00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:45,596

♪ The pinnacle of douchedom ♪

00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:47,682

♪ Good going, douche ♪

00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,351

♪ Your dreams have come true ♪

00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:55,815

A-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.

00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:59,944

Da-derp-dee-derp da-teetley

derpee-derpee dumb.

00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,889

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,602

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,688

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,106

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:25,401

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,194

♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,612

♪ Timmy, Timmy,

liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪

00:00:28,738 --> 00:00:32,533

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:37,747

[ Siren wailing ]

00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,999

[ Tires screech ]

00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:43,419

Be careful with my baby!

00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,420

What have we got?

00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,422

Not sure.

Looks like a possible code 56.

00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,215

Kenny...shut up, Kenny!

00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,925

You're going to be okay, baby.

00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,385

[ Monitor beeping ]

00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,304

Get me 50cc of ketamine stat!

00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,805

And get something

for the kid, too.

00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:55,890

Is he going to be okay?

00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,476

Let the doctor do his work,

ma'am.

00:00:58,601 --> 00:01:01,395

[ Insects chirping ]

00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,689

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,317

Doctor! Did you find out

what's wrong with him?

00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,195

I'm afraid he's...

running out of time.

00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,614

Why?

What's wrong with him?

00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,533

It's his time --

It's running out.

00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,327

Well, what does he need?

00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,829

He needs to have more time.

00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,331

What can we do?

00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:23,084

Well, I suppose we could try

a time transplant.

00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,336

I'll have to call in

a specialist.

00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:26,837

It's going to be okay, baby.

00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,506

We're going to get you

more time.

00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,508

Kenny!

God damn you, Kenny!

00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,176

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,844

[ Knock on door ]

00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,387

Hello, there, children.

00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:36,764

Chef, Cartman

is in the hospital.

00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,932

They think he might die.

- Yeah.

00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:40,226

And we don't know

whether or not we should care.

00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,435

Well, what's wrong with him?

00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,937

Nobody seems to know,

but we think

00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,814

it's because he drank

Kenny's soul four weeks ago.

00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,816

Kenny's ashes were in an urn,

and Cartman drank it,

00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,651

thinking it was

chocolate-milk mix.

00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,153

Children, why didn't you tell me

about this sooner?

00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,572

Like we said, we didn't know

whether or not we should care.

00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:54,782

Well, you should.

00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,118

Cartman is your friend,

whether you like him or not.

00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:59,453

Now, come on!

We got to get to that hospital!

00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,872

He's looking

a little better today.

00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:04,083

Yes, but his time

is still getting weaker.

00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,252

It will give out soon

unless we do something.

00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,964

Hey, guys!

How's it going?

00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:10,965

Cartman?

00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:12,133

No, that's Kenny.

00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:13,884

What the hell are

you assholes doing here?

00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,094

That's Cartman.

00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:16,929

Oh, my God!

00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,348

Eric, how long

have you been channeling Kenny?

00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,266

About a month.

00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,017

Let's not validate

his delusions.

00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,979

Kenny? Kenny, do you know

what you need to get free?

00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,106

He's gone again.

00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,567

Ms. Cartman,

we need to get Eric to a medium

00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,527

who can speak with people

who have crossed over.

00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,070

What?!

That's preposterous!

00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:35,281

What this child needs

is a time transplant!

00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,449

This hospital isn't gonna do

any good.

00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,076

We need to take him

to see John Edward.

00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,077

I've seen that guy.

00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,287

He has a show

where he brings people on

00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:42,746

and talks

to their dead relatives.

00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,957

That's right. We have to

go see him in New York.

00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,041

I warn you, Ms. Cartman --

00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,918

your son's time could give out

at any minute.

00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,254

He needs to be kept here,

where his time can be monitored.

00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,422

What should I do?

00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,132

I'm playing roulette

with my child's life!

00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,342

Wait. "Hairspray" is showing

in New York, isn't it?

00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,760

Let's go there.

- Good.

00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:58,345

You children need to come, too.

00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,514

Eric needs all the support

he can get right now.

00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:01,765

We're going to New York?

00:03:02,892 --> 00:03:05,394

[Attendant ]Welcome aboard

flight 673 to New York.

00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,563

We are happy to show you a

feature film during the flight.

00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,231

In a moment,

we'll be showing a preview.

00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,774

Oh, cool!

We get to watch a movie?

00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:11,775

Awesome.

00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:14,904

Rob Schneider was an animal.

00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,947

Then he was a woman.

00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,867

And now Rob Schneider is...

00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,785

[ Needle scratches ]

...a stapler!

00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:26,624

And he's about to find out

that being a stapler...

00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:29,627

is harder than it looks.

00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:32,338

Rob Schneider is...

"The Stapler."

00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,131

Rated PG-13.

00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,466

Weak.

- Weak.

00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:36,800

[ Laughs ]

00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:38,636

That was Kenny laughing, not me.

00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,765

This must be the place.

00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,391

Okay, audience members.

Hi.

00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,101

Welcome to the taping

of the show.

00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,603

It's all general seating

in there.

00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,730

Just remember,

Mr. Edward might not hear

00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,899

from the particular dead person

you want to talk to.

00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,484

So just keep an open mind.

00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:55,778

Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure

he'll be able to help you.

00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,156

[Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen,

John Edward.

00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,326

[Applause ]

00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,786

Thank you.

Thank you.

00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,162

All right.

Let's get started.

00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:09,208

It's coming from over here.

00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,335

Does the name Mike mean anything

to anybody?

00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,630

I'm getting -- I'm getting Mike.

Definitely an "M."

00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,839

Maybe Matt.

00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:18,968

Mike. Matt.

M...Mike.

00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:19,969

M-Mary.

00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:21,428

Mary was my mother!

00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,681

Okay. Okay.

And she -- she's -- she died?

00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,891

Yes.

Y-Yes, she did.

00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,851

And she's telling me there's

something about the money,

00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:29,812

that the money is safe --

Is that making sense?

00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,147

Mm.

Not really.

00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,400

It must be from somewhere else

in the audience. Money? Someone?

00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,610

Uh, over here, please.

- We have a dead friend.

00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,779

Quiet -- Quiet down, boys.

It doesn't work that way.

00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:39,905

Uh, okay.

00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,783

I-I'm getting someone now

whose name is J...

00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,785

T...

It's an L...

00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,537

It's an M...

It's a K...

00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,414

Kenny!

- Kenny says hi.

00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,499

Wow!

[Applause ]

00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,793

Okay. Now I'm getting

that Kenny died.

00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,129

We told you that.

- And this wasn't a good death.

00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:56,922

It was, like, a sad death.

It was, like, a --

00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,632

It was, like, a death

that made people sad.

00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,175

Does that make sense?

00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,427

Yeah.

00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,929

Oh!

[Applause, crowd murmuring ]

00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,849

Look, uh, Mr. Edward,

can you just ask Kenny

00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,809

how we can get him out, please?

- Doesn't work that way.

00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,811

Kenny is telling me

that you were his best friends

00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,354

and he's in a safe place.

00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,023

No, no.

He's trapped in Cartman's body.

00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,025

Ooh. There's somebody with him.

Who's Kyle?

00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,109

I'm Kyle!

00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,486

Oh, right.

And did an older woman pass?

00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,322

She's asking for Kyle.

Maybe a grandma.

00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,407

Yeah! My grandma!

She's here?

00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,159

She says there was something

she asked you to do

00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,201

and you're not doing it.

00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,037

She wants you to look

for four white doves.

00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,038

Oh, my God!

00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,414

Oh, now she's sending me

a "P" word.

00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,041

Maybe it's a "B" or a "H."

00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,709

My Harry died last year!

[ Sobs ]

00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,085

Oh, it's coming

from over here.

00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,920

I'm getting all kinds

of voices today. Whoo!

00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:39,256

[ Laughter and applause ]

Hey, wait a minute, dude.

00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,050

Okay. Now, Harry.

He's telling me...

00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,886

Oh. Well, he's saying

that you two used to do things.

00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,137

[ Sobbing ]

Mm-hmm.

00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,514

And that those things

involved...stuff?

00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,433

The things did involve stuff!

Yes!

00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,226

Oh!

- Oh, wow! Wow!

00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:52,895

Oh, man.

00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,397

I can't believe I got fooled

by that asshole.

00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,232

He seemed better on TV?

- Yeah.

00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,068

They must edit his shows down

on television

00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,153

to only show him getting

mostly right answers.

00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,155

Grandma's watching me.

Always watching me.

00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,199

You don't believe that guy

talked to your grandma, do you?

00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,701

Ah-ba-ba! Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba!

- Eric?

00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,454

It must be his time.

I think it's running out!

00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,497

We've got no choice.

00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,499

The only people I know now

who might be able to help Eric

00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:14,500

are my parents.

00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,877

We'll have to take

the next flight to Scotland.

00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,257

Okay, children. This is

your flight back to Colorado.

00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,218

Your parents are meeting you

at the airport in Denver.

00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,511

We don't get to go to Scotland?

00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,513

It's too far, and your

parents want you back home.

00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,598

Oh, well. Good luck getting

Kenny out of you, fatso.

00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,599

Thanks, asshole.

00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,975

Come on.

We got to catch our plane.

00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:33,560

You children get

right on that plane, now!

00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:34,937

[Attendant ] This is a final

boarding announcement

00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,814

for flight 342 to Denver.

00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:37,815

That's us. Come on.

00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,316

Four white birds!

- Huh?

00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,111

There's four white birds!

00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,445

This is what Grandma wants!

00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,322

She wants me to attend

Jewleeard.

00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,616

Dude, you were going to see

four white birds eventually.

00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,868

So is it a coincidence

that Grandma did talk to me

00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,370

about me going to Jewleeard

someday?

00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,122

Yes. Now, come on.

Our plane's gonna leave.

00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,748

I'm not going back.

- What?!

00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,792

I have to join Jewleeard

and make Grandma proud.

00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,294

Tell my parents I'll call them.

- Kyle! No! Kyle!

00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,754

Aw, crap!

00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,384

[ Doorbell rings ]

00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,177

Hey. I need to talk

to Mr. Edward, please.

00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,929

He doesn't do

private readings.

00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,140

I'm not here for a reading.

I need to ask him something.

00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,474

All right.

Come on in.

00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,978

Just wait here.

I'll go fetch him.

00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,440

Jesus Christ.

00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,482

Here he is.

00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,527

Ladies and gentlemen,

John Edward.

00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:26,321

[Applause ]

00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,658

Thank you.

Thank you.

00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,326

Hey, I need to ask you

a big favor.

00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,786

You did a reading

of my best friend,

00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,288

and, uh,

you kind of messed him up.

00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,539

Oh.

00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,791

"'The John Edward Show'

is not liable for opinions

00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,544

and materials given for

entertainment purposes only."

00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,589

Look, my friend Kyle won't fly

back home to Colorado.

00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:44,923

All I need you to do

is talk to him

00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,301

and tell him the whole talking

to dead people isn't for real.

00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:48,427

Maybe it is for real.

00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,220

Right. But it's not.

It's a trick you do.

00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,722

I need you to let my friend

know that

00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:52,931

so he can go on with his life.

00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,224

People have the right

to be skeptical.

00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,684

I really hear voices in my head.

00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,269

Yes. We all hear voices

in our heads.

00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,395

It's called intuition.

00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,397

Get over yourself and tell

my friend it's just for fun.

00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:01,815

What I do doesn't hurt anybody.

00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,151

I give people closure

and help them cope with life.

00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,360

No, you give them false hope

00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,778

and a belief in something

that isn't real.

00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:07,905

But I'm a psychic.

00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,114

No, dude.

You're a douche.

00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240

I'm not a douche!

00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,326

What if I really believe

dead people talk to me?

00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,619

Then you're a stupid douche.

00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,579

I think I've had enough

of your bullying me.

00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,164

Get out of my house,

or I'll run upstairs,

00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,291

lock myself in my panic room,

and call the police!

00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,501

I'm 9 years old.

00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,003

I'm not talking to your friend,

and I'm not a douche!

00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,213

You better get out of my house,

00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,507

'cause I'm gonna call

the police!

00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,008

You are so a douche!

00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,135

I'm nominating you for Biggest

Douche in the Universe Award,

00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,136

you douche!

00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,263

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,775

Son of a bitch.

00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,075

Kenny!

Shut up, Kenny!

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,243

You shut up, fat-ass!

00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,537

Hang in there, sweetie.

We'll be there soon.

00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,580

[ Scottish Attendant ]

Welcome aboard Scotland air.

00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,208

Our trip to Edinburgh

should take about 12 hours.

00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:03,210

Twelve hours?!

Jesus Christ!

00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,211

[Attendant ]

In the meantime,

00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,255

we'd like to show you

a complimentary film.

00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,506

Oh, good.

00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,885

Rob Schneider

is a Wall Street executive

00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,012

with everything going for him.

00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,641

Only problem is

he's about to become...

00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,768

[Needle scratches]

...a carrot!

00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,769

I'm a carrot?!

00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,313

It's 24-carrot comedy.

00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:26,149

Rob Schneider is..."A Carrot."

00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,360

Rated PG-13.

00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,988

Oh, for the love of Christ --

I want to watch, fat boy!

00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,656

No, Kenny!

It's not funny!

00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,368

Kyle! Kyle!

00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,288

Don't try and stop me, Stan.

This is what my grandma wants.

00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,914

I went and saw

that John Edward guy.

00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,124

He's just a big douche.

00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,251

He's not a douche.

He talked to my grandma.

00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,670

You can't run your life based on

what some douchy psychic said.

00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,505

They all just use a technique

called cold reading.

00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:49,840

They've used it

for hundreds of years

00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:51,675

to make people believe them.

- Hey. Whoa, now.

00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,135

John Edward is for real.

00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,595

No, he's not.

- Yeah.

00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,432

My sister told me he knew our

mother's name and when she died.

00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,850

John Edward?

Oh, yeah.

00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,852

I heard he walked up

to a guy on the street

00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,062

and said his dead father

wanted to say happy birthday,

00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,606

and it was his birthday!

00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,233

Yeah, kid.

How do you explain that?

00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,360

All right. Look.

I'll show you.

00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,070

I just need a volunteer.

How about you?

00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,572

Oh! Me?

00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,657

[Applause ]

00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,243

I'm gonna pretend a dead person

is talking to me about you.

00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,202

Okay.

00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:20,287

Okay.

Watch, Kyle.

00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,371

It's an older man.

00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,415

Someone very close to you.

- My father?

00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,834

Does this month, November,

hold a special significance?

00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,919

[ Gasps ]

My birthday's in November!

00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,255

Right. Because he's saying,

"Tell her happy birthday."

00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,673

Oh, my God!

- See, Kyle?

00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:32,841

I started with something

really vague.

00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,217

I chose "older man"

because I'm betting that,

00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,303

based on this woman's age,

her father is most likely dead.

00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,471

But if her father wasn't dead,

00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,139

I could still say

it was some other older man.

00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,433

But how'd you know her birthday

was in November?

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,518

I didn't. I just asked her

if November meant anything.

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,020

Her father could have died

in November,

00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,897

or Thanksgiving could've been

really special for them.

00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,316

But I go with the birthday

and validate it now as if I knew

00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,318

by saying, "He wishes you

a happy birthday."

00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:52,986

[ Gasps ]

What else does he say?

00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,571

Okay.

I'll just use an old standard.

00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,948

He's saying, "The money.

Stop worrying about the money."

00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,450

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God!

00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,119

My sister and I have been

fighting over his inheritance!

00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,621

That's amazing.

- No, it isn't.

00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,706

When a father dies,

inheritance is usually an issue.

00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,541

And money is something

everyone worries about.

00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,710

That sounds a little

too coincidental.

00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,629

Yes.

There's only one explanation.

00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,631

This kid can communicate

with the dead!

00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:13,632

Oh!

- Wow!

00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,008

What?!

- I want to talk to my mother.

00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,218

Can you try to reach

my grandfather?

00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:16,968

No. Wait!

00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,096

You have to tell me if my sister

is in a good place, okay?

00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,263

Yeah, help me out, too!

- I'm next!

00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,515

Hey! Get out of my way!

- Here. D-Do me!

00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,601

Kid, how would you like your own

talking-to-the-dead show?

00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:28,480

[ Bagpipes playing ]

00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,695

Hi, Pop!

00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,572

Junior! Aw, son,

it's good to see you, now.

00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,324

These are my friends --

the Cartmans.

00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,493

Well, come on in

out of the cold, now!

00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,829

There's heavy fog

on the moors tonight.

00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:45,997

Well, look what the cat

dragged in, Nelly!

00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,666

Oh, my baby come home!

00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:48,709

Hi, Mama!

00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,128

Lord, I thought you

wasn't coming till 9:00.

00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,338

Mom, this is my friend

Ms. Cartman.

00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:54,798

Please call me Liane.

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,967

So nice to have you here, Liane.

00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,010

And is this the children

you told us about?

00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,429

Yeah, Pop.

This is Eric.

00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,347

Well, let's see here.

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,474

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,059

Mm-hmm.

00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,645

Yep. There is definitely more

than one children in there.

00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:09,646

Oh, dear.

00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,314

Nelly, you best have at it, now.

00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,651

Oh, Lord, and I just put

the roast in the oven, too.

00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,112

Ain't gonna have no time now

to baste it.

00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,363

Don't nobody blame me.

00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,906

Woman can't baste no roast

00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,200

and do everything else

at the same time.

00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,327

I ain't saying the roast

is gonna be terrible.

00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,954

Maybe just a little dry.

00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,290

But I suppose we can make

some extra gravy

00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,208

to take the dryness out later.

00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,794

All right, children.

Stand up on this chair, now.

00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,255

Right now?

- Yes, right now.

00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,549

La-kah-ma!

Ka-ras-beh-ma!

00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,217

Come on, now!

- Whoa! Whoa! Watch it, lady!

00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,261

Just stay still, Eric.

Mom knows what she's doing.

00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,471

Come out there, now!

00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,431

At a very young age,

00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,516

one young boy learned

he had a special gift.

00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,185

This is "The Other Side."

00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,395

[Applause ]

00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,232

Okay.

Listen to me.

00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,567

Listen very carefully.

00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,862

This is a trick that I am doing.

Okay? Watch.

00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,405

All I'm gonna do is say a name

00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,240

that I'm gonna pick

at random, okay?

00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:05,535

They want me to acknowledge Pete

or Peter.

00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,037

Yes! Yes! My Peter!

[ Sobs ]

00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,206

[Audience gasps ]

00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,373

No!

Stop clapping!

00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,750

All I did was pick a random name

00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,960

and wait for somebody in

the audience to give a response.

00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,421

Now that I see that there is

a lone woman crying,

00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,423

my instinct tells me

Peter was her husband.

00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,425

So I say,

"Peter was your husband?"

00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,428

Yes! Yes! Yes!

My husband, Peter!

00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,889

Oh!

- Oh, wow!

00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,682

Stop it!

I didn't do anything!

00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:28,934

You knew Peter was dead!

00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,602

I didn't start by saying,

"Peter is dead."

00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,230

I started by saying, "They want

me to acknowledge Peter."

00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,648

That could've meant

Peter was in the audience

00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,191

or Peter was somebody's friend

or Peter had died.

00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,609

I couldn't be wrong.

See?

00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,903

Now, I can look at this woman

and that she's fairly young.

00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,155

So odds are her husband was

fairly young when he died.

00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,657

So I can say something like,

00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:45,992

"I'm getting that Peter's death

was very untimely."

00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,494

Yes, it was.

[ Sobs ]

00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,496

Oh!

- Amazing!

00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,873

Ask Peter if he knows

my little Billy!

00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,001

Okay.

Let's back up.

00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,755

Not literally!

00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,799

Lord, come out!

Come out, spirit, now!

00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,716

Come on, now!

00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,760

In the name of all that is holy,

00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,263

we demand this spirit

be set free!

00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,473

[ Groaning, rumbling ]

00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,892

There we go.

We're getting something, now.

00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769

Come on out, spirit soul!

00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,105

Come on out, now!

It's safe!

00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,273

Aah!

00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:19,150

Here it comes!

The spirit is coming out now.

00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,652

[ Bell chimes ]

00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,738

Ooh.

That's the potatoes.

00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,785

Well, hold on the potatoes

two seconds, woman!

00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,287

The soul's coming out now.

00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:32,998

Aah-ga-ga!

Aah-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!

00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:33,915

It's almost out.

00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,544

All right, son.

Now bring me the victim child.

00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,546

The victim child?

- Yeah!

00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,965

You know --

the child that we sacrifice

00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,467

so we could put Kenny's soul

into its body.

00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,598

Oh, Lord. They didn't bring

a victim child.

00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,933

Where were we gonna find

a child to sacrifice?

00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,269

We weren't gonna ask you

where you got it from.

00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,438

Raba-raba!

- God damn it!

00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,607

The spirit's out,

and it don't have nowhere to go!

00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,942

Oh, Thomas, don't let it get

on the curtains!

00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,446

[ Up-tempo hip-hop plays ]

00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,324

Rob Schneider derp-da-derp.

00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:10,410

Derp-de-derpity-derpy-derp.

00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:14,581

Until one day...

a-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.

00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:15,624

[ Needle scratches ]

00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,168

Derp-de-derp, ta-tittaly-tum!

00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,712

Oh! Whoa!

Whoa!

00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:25,300

From the creators of "Der"

and "Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, "

00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,927

Rob Schneider is...

00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,889

"Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley

Derpee Derpee Dumb."

00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,974

Rated PG-13.

00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,354

Here.

Look, Kyle.

00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:38,939

I found tons of testimonials

on the Internet

00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,941

saying John Edward

has the entire studio wired

00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:43,026

to hear what people are talking

about before the show

00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,278

and he pays actors to be plants

in the audience.

00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,489

You're just jealous

he's a better psychic than you.

00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,531

Fine!

I give up!

00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,909

You want to stay in New York,

then go ahead!

00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,081

So, you think you can talk to

dead people better than me, huh?

00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,832

No. I don't think

either one of us can.

00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,793

They told me your show

is getting better ratings,

00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,920

that you're saying I'm a fraud

on your show.

00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,589

You better not ever call me

a liar or a fake

00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,759

or a douche again or else

I'll sue you for slander!

00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,511

I am saying this to you,

John Edward.

00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,012

You are a liar,

you are a fake,

00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,348

and you are the biggest douche

ever.

00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,642

Everything I tell people

is positive and gives them hope.

00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,519

How does that make me a douche?!

00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,396

The big questions in life

are tough -- Why are we here?

00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:20,730

Where are we from?

Where are we going?

00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,024

But if people believe in asshole

douchy liars like you,

00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,110

we're never gonna find the real

answer to those questions.

00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,111

You aren't just lying,

00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,197

you're slowing down the progress

of all mankind, you douche.

00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,490

I'm not a douche!

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,951

And I challenge you

to a psychic showdown!

00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,954

I'll prove to the world

that I'm psychic and you're not!

00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,122

Fine, douche!

00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,415

I'm not a douche!

00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:41,584

[ Insects chirping ]

00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,295

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Come on! The soul's in here!

00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,464

It's panicking now!

It's going to the light!

00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,216

Unfortunately

it's the living-room light.

00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,885

I'll open a window.

You try to chase it out, Thomas.

00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,887

Go on, now, soul, now!

00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,347

Here, spirit!

Come out the window!

00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,724

I'll give you three-fitty!

00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,727

Now, don't go offering the soul

no three-fitty, woman!

00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,729

I'm just trying to persuade it.

- Well, I know!

00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,481

But you could at least start

at a buck-o-five or something.

00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:05,358

Aw, Christmas!

There it goes again!

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,153

It's heading for the kitchen!

Oh, Thomas! The pot roast!

00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,947

Over here!

- Don't let it get in the roast!

00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,912

Oh. Well.

00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,582

I guess the child's a pot roast

now.

00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,250

What do we do with it now?

00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,419

Well, I'll wrap it up

with some plastic wrap

00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,087

so you can take it home

with you.

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,381

Should last a few months

in the freezer.

00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,924

Hey, I feel a lot better.

00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,259

Eric!

You're okay!

00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,386

Oh, baby!

Your time is back!

00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,348

This child is clean.

00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,350

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's "Psychic Showdown."

00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,603

Here are John Edward

and Stan Marsh.

00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,271

[Applause ]

00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,647

Thank you.

00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:45,815

All right, asshole.

00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,484

I know you're here

to try to throw me off.

00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,277

So go ahead --

give me your best shot.

00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,570

No, I don't want to talk to you.

00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,447

I want to talk to the audience.

- W-Why?

00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,698

You see,

I learned something today.

00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,158

At first I thought

you were all just stupid,

00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,202

listening to this douche's

advice, but now I understand

00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,745

that you're all here

because you're scared.

00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,080

You're scared of death,

and he offers you

00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,748

some kind of understanding.

00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,249

You all want to believe in it

so much.

00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:04,250

I know you do.

00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,877

You find comfort in the thought

that your loved ones

00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,796

are floating around, trying to

talk to you, but think about it.

00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,298

Is that really what you want --

to just be floating around

00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,300

after you die,

having to talk to this asshole?

00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,346

We need to recognize this stuff

for what it is -- magic tricks.

00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,807

Because whatever is really

going on in life and in death

00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683

is much more amazing

than this douche.

00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,400

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:32,112

You're right, Stan!

00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,613

My grandma

isn't floating around,

00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,156

judging me

and watching what I do.

00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,367

She's dead.

Dead and gone forever!

00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,368

Yeah.

00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,912

But I do have a special power!

I know I do!

00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,080

There's nothing special

about you, dude.

00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,415

Get over yourself.

- God damn it, I'm special!

00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,751

[ Rumbling ]

00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,586

What the...

[ Gasps ]

00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,755

[ Whirring ]

00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,299

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:04,394

Greetings from the Janax galaxy.

We seek the great John Edward.

00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:06,646

Why, that...that's me!

00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,982

Sir, it is an honor to meet you.

00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:11,818

Well, thank you very much!

00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:12,694

No. It can't be.

00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,070

I am Quagmar,

00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,948

and this is the intergalactic

BDIU Committee.

00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,617

Mr. Edward,

it is my honor to inform you

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:23,371

that you have been nominated for

Biggest Douche in the Universe!

00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,415

[Applause ]

What?!

00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,042

You are the first nominee

from the Milky Way galaxy.

00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,378

Congratulations.

- Oh, dude!

00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,547

If you'll step into

our Blavlafrede,

00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,633

we'll give you a first-class

ride to the awards show.

00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,719

No! Wait!

I'm not a douche!

00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:40,054

I make people feel good

about themselves!

00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,765

I give people resolution!

00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,191

Now do you people believe me?

00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,401

I don't know.

00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,653

How'd Edward know

my father died in March?

00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,741

God damn it!

That was a long flight!

00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,285

I thought we'd never get out

of stinky-ass, smelly Scotland!

00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:05,079

It's so good to have you acting

like yourself again, sweetie.

00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,457

Well, come on. We better get

Kenny back to his parents.

00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,834

Wait a minute.

Who's got the pot roast?

00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,836

I thought you got it.

- It's still at baggage claim!

00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,464

Aw, damn it. Come on!

We got to find him!

00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:15,423

Kenny!

00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,427

Rob Schneider is a somewhat

popular comedic actor

00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:23,223

who seemed to have it all...

until one day

00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:26,351

- he came across a pot roast...

[Needle scratches]

00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,270

...and his life changed forever.

00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,149

Now he's sharing his body

with an 8-year-old boy.

00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:37,570

And he's about to find out

that being 8...

00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,906

Oh!

- ...ain't so great.

00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:43,409

[ Gunshot]

Rob Schneider is "Kenny."

00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,870

Rated PG-13.

00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:49,582

Live from the space station Zyed

in the Voxlyn galaxy,

00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:52,585

it's the Biggest Douche

in the Universe Award!

00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:54,087

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:56,589

This year's nominees are...

00:20:56,714 --> 00:21:00,760

Graglar the Destructor,

Andromeda galaxy, planet J-11.

00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:02,178

[ Roars ]

00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,765

Dormanta unit five,

Jalax galaxy, planet Heelym.

00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,767

Der-r-r-r!

00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,645

John Edward, Milky Way galaxy,

planet Earth.

00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,314

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm not a douche!

00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,276

And finally

Ursala the Giant Douche

00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:19,237

from the Horsehead nebula,

station J-12.

00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:20,989

[Applause ]

00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,741

And the winner for Biggest

Douche in the Universe is...

00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:24,993

[ Drumroll ]

[ Gasps ]

00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:28,246

It's John Edward,

Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth!

00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:30,623

Oh, now -- Come on, now!

00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,125

♪ Here he is ♪

00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:35,545

♪ The biggest douche

of the universe ♪

00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,422

♪ In all the galaxies ♪

00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:40,758

♪ There's no bigger douche

than you ♪

00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,593

♪ You've reached the top ♪

00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:45,596

♪ The pinnacle of douchedom ♪

00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:47,682

♪ Good going, douche ♪

00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,351

♪ Your dreams have come true ♪

00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:53,021

[Applause ]

00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:55,815

A-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.

00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:59,944

Da-derp-dee-derp da-teetley

derpee-derpee dumb.