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Самый большой говнюк во Вселенной
The Biggest Douche in the Universe
Сезон: 06Серия: 15
Описание
Картман заболевает, и Шеф везёт его к своим родителям в Шотландию, чтобы изгнать дух Кенни. Стэн пытается бороться с Джоном Эдвардом как с мошенником.
Субтитры
- 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:12,013 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,889 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,688 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,106 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:25,401 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,194 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
- 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,612 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
- 00:00:28,738 --> 00:00:32,533 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:43,419 Be careful with my baby!
- 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,420 What have we got?
- 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,422 Not sure. Looks like a possible code 56.
- 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,215 Kenny...shut up, Kenny!
- 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,925 You're going to be okay, baby.
- 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,304 Get me 50cc of ketamine stat!
- 00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,805 And get something for the kid, too.
- 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:55,890 Is he going to be okay?
- 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,476 Let the doctor do his work, ma'am.
- 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,317 Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
- 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,195 I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
- 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,614 Why? What's wrong with him?
- 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,533 It's his time -- It's running out.
- 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,327 Well, what does he need?
- 00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,829 He needs to have more time.
- 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,331 What can we do?
- 00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:23,084 Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant.
- 00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,336 I'll have to call in a specialist.
- 00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:26,837 It's going to be okay, baby.
- 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,506 We're going to get you more time.
- 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,508 Kenny! God damn you, Kenny!
- 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,387 Hello, there, children.
- 00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:36,764 Chef, Cartman is in the hospital.
- 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,932 They think he might die. - Yeah.
- 00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:40,226 And we don't know whether or not we should care.
- 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,435 Well, what's wrong with him?
- 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,937 Nobody seems to know, but we think
- 00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,814 it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago.
- 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,816 Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it,
- 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,651 thinking it was chocolate-milk mix.
- 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,153 Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner?
- 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,572 Like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care.
- 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:54,782 Well, you should.
- 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,118 Cartman is your friend, whether you like him or not.
- 00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:59,453 Now, come on! We got to get to that hospital!
- 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,872 He's looking a little better today.
- 00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:04,083 Yes, but his time is still getting weaker.
- 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,252 It will give out soon unless we do something.
- 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,964 Hey, guys! How's it going?
- 00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:10,965 Cartman?
- 00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:12,133 No, that's Kenny.
- 00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:13,884 What the hell are you assholes doing here?
- 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,094 That's Cartman.
- 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:16,929 Oh, my God!
- 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,348 Eric, how long have you been channeling Kenny?
- 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,266 About a month.
- 00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,017 Let's not validate his delusions.
- 00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,979 Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free?
- 00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,106 He's gone again.
- 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,567 Ms. Cartman, we need to get Eric to a medium
- 00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,527 who can speak with people who have crossed over.
- 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,070 What?! That's preposterous!
- 00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:35,281 What this child needs is a time transplant!
- 00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,449 This hospital isn't gonna do any good.
- 00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,076 We need to take him to see John Edward.
- 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,077 I've seen that guy.
- 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,287 He has a show where he brings people on
- 00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:42,746 and talks to their dead relatives.
- 00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,957 That's right. We have to go see him in New York.
- 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,041 I warn you, Ms. Cartman --
- 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,918 your son's time could give out at any minute.
- 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,254 He needs to be kept here, where his time can be monitored.
- 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,422 What should I do?
- 00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,132 I'm playing roulette with my child's life!
- 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,342 Wait. "Hairspray" is showing in New York, isn't it?
- 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,760 Let's go there. - Good.
- 00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:58,345 You children need to come, too.
- 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,514 Eric needs all the support he can get right now.
- 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:01,765 We're going to New York?
- 00:03:02,892 --> 00:03:05,394 Welcome aboard flight 673 to New York.
- 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,563 We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight.
- 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,231 In a moment, we'll be showing a preview.
- 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,774 Oh, cool! We get to watch a movie?
- 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:11,775 Awesome.
- 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:14,904 <i>Rob Schneider was an animal.</i>
- 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,947 <i>Then he was a woman.</i>
- 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,867 <i>And now Rob Schneider is...</i>
- 00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,785 <i>...a stapler!</i>
- 00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:26,624 <i>And he's about to find out that being a stapler...</i>
- 00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:29,627 <i>is harder than it looks.</i>
- 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:32,338 <i>Rob Schneider is... "The Stapler."</i>
- 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,131 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,466 Weak. - Weak.
- 00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:38,636 That was Kenny laughing, not me.
- 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,765 This must be the place.
- 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,391 Okay, audience members. Hi.
- 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,101 Welcome to the taping of the show.
- 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,603 It's all general seating in there.
- 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,730 Just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear
- 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,899 from the particular dead person you want to talk to.
- 00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,484 So just keep an open mind.
- 00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:55,778 Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he'll be able to help you.
- 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,156 Ladies and gentlemen, John Edward.
- 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,786 Thank you. Thank you.
- 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,162 All right. Let's get started.
- 00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:09,208 It's coming from over here.
- 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,335 Does the name Mike mean anything to anybody?
- 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,630 I'm getting -- I'm getting Mike. Definitely an "M."
- 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,839 Maybe Matt.
- 00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:18,968 Mike. Matt. M...Mike.
- 00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:19,969 M-Mary.
- 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:21,428 Mary was my mother!
- 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,681 Okay. Okay. And she -- she's -- she died?
- 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,891 Yes. Y-Yes, she did.
- 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,851 And she's telling me there's something about the money,
- 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:29,812 that the money is safe -- Is that making sense?
- 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,147 Mm. Not really.
- 00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,400 It must be from somewhere else in the audience. Money? Someone?
- 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,610 Uh, over here, please. - We have a dead friend.
- 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,779 Quiet -- Quiet down, boys. It doesn't work that way.
- 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:39,905 Uh, okay.
- 00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,783 I-I'm getting someone now whose name is J...
- 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,785 T... It's an L...
- 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,537 It's an M... It's a K...
- 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,414 Kenny! - Kenny says hi.
- 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,499 Wow!
- 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,793 Okay. Now I'm getting that Kenny died.
- 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,129 We told you that. - And this wasn't a good death.
- 00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:56,922 It was, like, a sad death. It was, like, a --
- 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,632 It was, like, a death that made people sad.
- 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,175 Does that make sense?
- 00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,427 Yeah.
- 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,929 Oh!
- 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,849 Look, uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny
- 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,809 how we can get him out, please? - Doesn't work that way.
- 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,811 Kenny is telling me that you were his best friends
- 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,354 and he's in a safe place.
- 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,023 No, no. He's trapped in Cartman's body.
- 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,025 Ooh. There's somebody with him. Who's Kyle?
- 00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,109 I'm Kyle!
- 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,486 Oh, right. And did an older woman pass?
- 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,322 She's asking for Kyle. Maybe a grandma.
- 00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,407 Yeah! My grandma! She's here?
- 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,159 She says there was something she asked you to do
- 00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,201 and you're not doing it.
- 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,037 She wants you to look for four white doves.
- 00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,038 Oh, my God!
- 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,414 Oh, now she's sending me a "P" word.
- 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,041 Maybe it's a "B" or a "H."
- 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,709 My Harry died last year!
- 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,085 Oh, it's coming from over here.
- 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,920 I'm getting all kinds of voices today. Whoo!
- 00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:39,256 Hey, wait a minute, dude.
- 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,050 Okay. Now, Harry. He's telling me...
- 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,886 Oh. Well, he's saying that you two used to do things.
- 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,137 Mm-hmm.
- 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,514 And that those things involved...stuff?
- 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,433 The things did involve stuff! Yes!
- 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,226 Oh! - Oh, wow! Wow!
- 00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:52,895 Oh, man.
- 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,397 I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole.
- 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,232 He seemed better on TV? - Yeah.
- 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,068 They must edit his shows down on television
- 00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,153 to only show him getting mostly right answers.
- 00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,155 Grandma's watching me. Always watching me.
- 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,199 You don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you?
- 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,701 Ah-ba-ba! Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba! - Eric?
- 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,454 It must be his time. I think it's running out!
- 00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,497 We've got no choice.
- 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,499 The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric
- 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:14,500 are my parents.
- 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,877 We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland.
- 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,257 Okay, children. This is your flight back to Colorado.
- 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,218 Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver.
- 00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,511 We don't get to go to Scotland?
- 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,513 It's too far, and your parents want you back home.
- 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,598 Oh, well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso.
- 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,599 Thanks, asshole.
- 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,975 Come on. We got to catch our plane.
- 00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:33,560 You children get right on that plane, now!
- 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:34,937 This is a final boarding announcement
- 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,814 for flight 342 to Denver.
- 00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:37,815 That's us. Come on.
- 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,316 Four white birds! - Huh?
- 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,111 There's four white birds!
- 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,445 This is what Grandma wants!
- 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,322 She wants me to attend Jewleeard.
- 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,616 Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually.
- 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,868 So is it a coincidence that Grandma did talk to me
- 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,370 about me going to Jewleeard someday?
- 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,122 Yes. Now, come on. Our plane's gonna leave.
- 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,748 I'm not going back. - What?!
- 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,792 I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud.
- 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,294 Tell my parents I'll call them. - Kyle! No! Kyle!
- 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,754 Aw, crap!
- 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,177 Hey. I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please.
- 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,929 He doesn't do private readings.
- 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,140 I'm not here for a reading. I need to ask him something.
- 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,474 All right. Come on in.
- 00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,978 Just wait here. I'll go fetch him.
- 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,440 Jesus Christ.
- 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,482 Here he is.
- 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,527 Ladies and gentlemen, John Edward.
- 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,658 Thank you. Thank you.
- 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,326 Hey, I need to ask you a big favor.
- 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,786 You did a reading of my best friend,
- 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,288 and, uh, you kind of messed him up.
- 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,539 Oh.
- 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,791 "'The John Edward Show' is not liable for opinions
- 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,544 and materials given for entertainment purposes only."
- 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,589 Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado.
- 00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:44,923 All I need you to do is talk to him
- 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,301 and tell him the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.
- 00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:48,427 Maybe it <i>is</i> for real.
- 00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,220 Right. But it's not. It's a trick you do.
- 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,722 I need you to let my friend know that
- 00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:52,931 so he can go on with his life.
- 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,224 People have the right to be skeptical.
- 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,684 I really hear voices in my head.
- 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,269 Yes. We all hear voices in our heads.
- 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,395 It's called intuition.
- 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,397 Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.
- 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:01,815 What I do doesn't hurt anybody.
- 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,151 I give people closure and help them cope with life.
- 00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,360 No, you give them false hope
- 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,778 and a belief in something that isn't real.
- 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:07,905 But I'm a psychic.
- 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,114 No, dude. You're a douche.
- 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240 I'm not a douche!
- 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,326 What if I really believe dead people talk to me?
- 00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,619 Then you're a stupid douche.
- 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,579 I think I've had enough of your bullying me.
- 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,164 Get out of my house, or I'll run upstairs,
- 00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,291 lock myself in my panic room, and call the police!
- 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,501 I'm 9 years old.
- 00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,003 I'm not talking to your friend, and I'm not a douche!
- 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,213 You better get out of my house,
- 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,507 'cause I'm gonna call the police!
- 00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,008 You are so a douche!
- 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,135 I'm nominating you for Biggest Douche in the Universe Award,
- 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,136 you douche!
- 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,775 Son of a bitch.
- 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,075 Kenny! Shut up, Kenny!
- 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,243 You shut up, fat-ass!
- 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,537 Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon.
- 00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,580 Welcome aboard Scotland air.
- 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,208 Our trip to Edinburgh should take about 12 hours.
- 00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:03,210 Twelve hours?! Jesus Christ!
- 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,211 In the meantime,
- 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,255 we'd like to show you a complimentary film.
- 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,506 Oh, good.
- 00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,885 <i>Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive</i>
- 00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,012 <i>with everything going for him.</i>
- 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,641 <i>Only problem is he's about to become...</i>
- 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,768 <i>...a carrot!</i>
- 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,769 <i>I'm a carrot?!</i>
- 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,313 <i>It's 24-carrot comedy.</i>
- 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:26,149 <i>Rob Schneider is..."A Carrot."</i>
- 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,360 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,988 Oh, for the love of Christ -- I want to watch, fat boy!
- 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,656 No, Kenny! It's not funny!
- 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,368 Kyle! Kyle!
- 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,288 Don't try and stop me, Stan. This is what my grandma wants.
- 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,914 I went and saw that John Edward guy.
- 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,124 He's just a big douche.
- 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,251 He's not a douche. He talked to my grandma.
- 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,670 You can't run your life based on what some douchy psychic said.
- 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,505 They all just use a technique called cold reading.
- 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:49,840 They've used it for hundreds of years
- 00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:51,675 to make people believe them. - Hey. Whoa, now.
- 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,135 John Edward is for real.
- 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,595 No, he's not. - Yeah.
- 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,432 My sister told me he knew our mother's name <i>and</i> when she died.
- 00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,850 John Edward? Oh, yeah.
- 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,852 I heard he walked up to a guy on the street
- 00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,062 and said his dead father wanted to say happy birthday,
- 00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,606 and it <i>was</i> his birthday!
- 00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,233 Yeah, kid. How do you explain that?
- 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,360 All right. Look. I'll show you.
- 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,070 I just need a volunteer. How about you?
- 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,572 Oh! Me?
- 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,243 I'm gonna pretend a dead person is talking to me about you.
- 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,202 Okay.
- 00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:20,287 Okay. Watch, Kyle.
- 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,371 It's an older man.
- 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,415 Someone very close to you. - My father?
- 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,834 Does this month, November, hold a special significance?
- 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,919 My birthday's in November!
- 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,255 Right. Because he's saying, "Tell her happy birthday."
- 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,673 Oh, my God! - See, Kyle?
- 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:32,841 I started with something really vague.
- 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,217 I chose "older man" because I'm betting that,
- 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,303 based on this woman's age, her father is most likely dead.
- 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,471 But if her father wasn't dead,
- 00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,139 I could still say it was some other older man.
- 00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,433 But how'd you know her birthday was in November?
- 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,518 I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything.
- 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,020 Her father could have died in November,
- 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,897 or Thanksgiving could've been really special for them.
- 00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,316 But I go with the birthday and validate it now as if I knew
- 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,318 by saying, "He wishes you a happy birthday."
- 00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:52,986 What else does he say?
- 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,571 Okay. I'll just use an old standard.
- 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,948 He's saying, "The money. Stop worrying about the money."
- 00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,450 Oh, my God!
- 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,119 My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance!
- 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,621 That's amazing. - No, it isn't.
- 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,706 When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue.
- 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,541 And money is something everyone worries about.
- 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,710 That sounds a little too coincidental.
- 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,629 Yes. There's only one explanation.
- 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,631 This kid can communicate with the dead!
- 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:13,632 Oh! - Wow!
- 00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,008 What?! - I want to talk to my mother.
- 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,218 Can you try to reach my grandfather?
- 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:16,968 No. Wait!
- 00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,096 You have to tell me if my sister is in a good place, okay?
- 00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,263 Yeah, help me out, too! - I'm next!
- 00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,515 Hey! Get out of my way! - Here. D-Do me!
- 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,601 Kid, how would you like your own talking-to-the-dead show?
- 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,695 Hi, Pop!
- 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,572 Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you, now.
- 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,324 These are my friends -- the Cartmans.
- 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,493 Well, come on in out of the cold, now!
- 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,829 There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.
- 00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:45,997 Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nelly!
- 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,666 Oh, my baby come home!
- 00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:48,709 Hi, Mama!
- 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,128 Lord, I thought you wasn't coming till 9:00.
- 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,338 Mom, this is my friend Ms. Cartman.
- 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:54,798 Please call me Liane.
- 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,967 So nice to have you here, Liane.
- 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,010 And is this the children you told us about?
- 00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,429 Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
- 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,347 Well, let's see here.
- 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,474 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,059 Mm-hmm.
- 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,645 Yep. There is definitely more than one children in there.
- 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:09,646 Oh, dear.
- 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,314 Nelly, you best have at it, now.
- 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,651 Oh, Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too.
- 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,112 Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it.
- 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,363 Don't nobody blame me.
- 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,906 Woman can't baste no roast
- 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,200 and do everything else at the same time.
- 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,327 I ain't saying the roast is gonna be terrible.
- 00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,954 Maybe just a little dry.
- 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,290 But I suppose we can make some extra gravy
- 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,208 to take the dryness out later.
- 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,794 All right, children. Stand up on this chair, now.
- 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,255 Right now? - Yes, right now.
- 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,549 La-kah-ma! Ka-ras-beh-ma!
- 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,217 Come on, now! - Whoa! Whoa! Watch it, lady!
- 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,261 Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing.
- 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,471 Come out there, now!
- 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,431 <i>At a very young age,</i>
- 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,516 <i>one young boy learned he had a special gift.</i>
- 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,185 <i>This is "The Other Side."</i>
- 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,232 Okay. Listen to me.
- 00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,567 Listen very carefully.
- 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,862 This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch.
- 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,405 All I'm gonna do is say a name
- 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,240 that I'm gonna pick at random, okay?
- 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:05,535 They want me to acknowledge Pete or Peter.
- 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,037 Yes! Yes! My Peter!
- 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,373 No! Stop clapping!
- 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,750 All I did was pick a random name
- 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,960 and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response.
- 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,421 Now that I see that there is a lone woman crying,
- 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,423 my instinct tells me Peter was her husband.
- 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,425 So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
- 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,428 Yes! Yes! Yes! My husband, Peter!
- 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,889 Oh! - Oh, wow!
- 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,682 Stop it! I didn't do anything!
- 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:28,934 You knew Peter was dead!
- 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,602 I didn't start by saying, "Peter is dead."
- 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,230 I started by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter."
- 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,648 That could've meant Peter was in the audience
- 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,191 or Peter was somebody's friend or Peter had died.
- 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,609 I couldn't be wrong. See?
- 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,903 Now, I can look at this woman and that she's fairly young.
- 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,155 So odds are her husband was fairly young when he died.
- 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,657 So I can say something like,
- 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:45,992 "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
- 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,494 Yes, it was.
- 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,496 Oh! - Amazing!
- 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,873 Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy!
- 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,001 Okay. Let's back up.
- 00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,755 Not literally!
- 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,799 Lord, come out! Come out, spirit, now!
- 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,716 Come on, now!
- 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,760 In the name of all that is holy,
- 00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,263 we demand this spirit be set free!
- 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,892 There we go. We're getting something, now.
- 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769 Come on out, spirit soul!
- 00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,105 Come on out, now! It's safe!
- 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,273 Aah!
- 00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:19,150 Here it comes! The spirit is coming out now.
- 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,738 Ooh. That's the potatoes.
- 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,785 Well, hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman!
- 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,287 The soul's coming out now.
- 00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:32,998 Aah-ga-ga! Aah-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!
- 00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:33,915 It's almost out.
- 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,544 All right, son. Now bring me the victim child.
- 00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,546 The victim child? - Yeah!
- 00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,965 You know -- the child that we sacrifice
- 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,467 so we could put Kenny's soul into its body.
- 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,598 Oh, Lord. They didn't bring a victim child.
- 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,933 Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?
- 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,269 We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from.
- 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,438 Raba-raba! - God damn it!
- 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,607 The spirit's out, and it don't have nowhere to go!
- 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,942 Oh, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains!
- 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,324 <i>Rob Schneider derp-da-derp.</i>
- 00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:10,410 <i>Derp-de-derpity-derpy-derp.</i>
- 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:14,581 <i>Until one day... a-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.</i>
- 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,168 <i>Derp-de-derp, ta-tittaly-tum!</i>
- 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,712 <i>Oh! Whoa! Whoa!</i>
- 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:25,300 <i>From the creators of "Der" and "Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, "</i>
- 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,927 <i>Rob Schneider is...</i>
- 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,889 <i>"Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb."</i>
- 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,974 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,354 Here. Look, Kyle.
- 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:38,939 I found tons of testimonials on the Internet
- 00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,941 saying John Edward has the entire studio wired
- 00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:43,026 to hear what people are talking about before the show
- 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,278 and he pays actors to be plants in the audience.
- 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,489 You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.
- 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,531 Fine! I give up!
- 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,909 You want to stay in New York, then go ahead!
- 00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,081 So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?
- 00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,832 No. I don't think either one of us can.
- 00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,793 They told me your show is getting better ratings,
- 00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,920 that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show.
- 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,589 You better not ever call me a liar or a fake
- 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,759 or a douche again or else I'll sue you for slander!
- 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,511 I am saying this to you, John Edward.
- 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,012 You are a liar, you are a fake,
- 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,348 and you are the biggest douche ever.
- 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,642 Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope.
- 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,519 How does that make me a douche?!
- 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,396 The big questions in life are tough -- Why are we here?
- 00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:20,730 Where are we from? Where are we going?
- 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,024 But if people believe in asshole douchy liars like you,
- 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,110 we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions.
- 00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,111 You aren't just lying,
- 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,197 you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche.
- 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,490 I'm not a douche!
- 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,951 And I challenge you to a psychic showdown!
- 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,954 I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not!
- 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,122 Fine, douche!
- 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,415 I'm not a douche!
- 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,295 Come on! The soul's in here!
- 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,464 It's panicking now! It's going to the light!
- 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,216 Unfortunately it's the living-room light.
- 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,885 I'll open a window. You try to chase it out, Thomas.
- 00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,887 Go on, now, soul, now!
- 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,347 Here, spirit! Come out the window!
- 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,724 I'll give you three-fitty!
- 00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,727 Now, don't go offering the soul no three-fitty, woman!
- 00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,729 I'm just trying to persuade it. - Well, I know!
- 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,481 But you could at least start at a buck-o-five or something.
- 00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:05,358 Aw, Christmas! There it goes again!
- 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,153 It's heading for the kitchen! Oh, Thomas! The pot roast!
- 00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,947 Over here! - Don't let it get in the roast!
- 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,912 Oh. Well.
- 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,582 I guess the child's a pot roast now.
- 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,250 What do we do with it now?
- 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,419 Well, I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap
- 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,087 so you can take it home with you.
- 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,381 Should last a few months in the freezer.
- 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,924 Hey, I feel a lot better.
- 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,259 Eric! You're okay!
- 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,386 Oh, baby! Your time is back!
- 00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,348 This child is clean.
- 00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,350 <i>Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Psychic Showdown."</i>
- 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,603 <i>Here are John Edward and Stan Marsh.</i>
- 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,647 Thank you.
- 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:45,815 All right, asshole.
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,484 I know you're here to try to throw me off.
- 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,277 So go ahead -- give me your best shot.
- 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,570 No, I don't want to talk to you.
- 00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,447 I want to talk to the audience. - W-Why?
- 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,698 You see, I learned something today.
- 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,158 At first I thought you were all just stupid,
- 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,202 listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand
- 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,745 that you're all here because you're scared.
- 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,080 You're scared of death, and he offers you
- 00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,748 some kind of understanding.
- 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,249 You all want to believe in it so much.
- 00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:04,250 I know you do.
- 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,877 You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones
- 00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,796 are floating around, trying to talk to you, but think about it.
- 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,298 Is that really what you want -- to just be floating around
- 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,300 after you die, having to talk to <i>this</i> asshole?
- 00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,346 We need to recognize this stuff for what it is -- magic tricks.
- 00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,807 Because whatever is really going on in life and in death
- 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683 is much more amazing than this douche.
- 00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:32,112 You're right, Stan!
- 00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,613 My grandma isn't floating around,
- 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,156 judging me and watching what I do.
- 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,367 She's dead. Dead and gone forever!
- 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,368 Yeah.
- 00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,912 But I do have a special power! I know I do!
- 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,080 There's nothing special about you, dude.
- 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,415 Get over yourself. - God damn it, I'm special!
- 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,586 What the...
- 00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:04,394 Greetings from the Janax galaxy. We seek the great John Edward.
- 00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:06,646 Why, that...that's me!
- 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,982 Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
- 00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:11,818 Well, thank you very much!
- 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:12,694 No. It can't be.
- 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,070 I am Quagmar,
- 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,948 and this is the intergalactic BDIU Committee.
- 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,617 Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you
- 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:23,371 that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche in the Universe!
- 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,415 What?!
- 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,042 You are the first nominee from the Milky Way galaxy.
- 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,378 Congratulations. - Oh, dude!
- 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,547 If you'll step into our Blavlafrede,
- 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,633 we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show.
- 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,719 No! Wait! I'm not a douche!
- 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:40,054 I make people feel good about themselves!
- 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,765 I give people resolution!
- 00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,191 Now do you people believe me?
- 00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,401 I don't know.
- 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,653 How'd Edward know my father died in March?
- 00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,741 God damn it! That was a long flight!
- 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,285 I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass, smelly Scotland!
- 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:05,079 It's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie.
- 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,457 Well, come on. We better get Kenny back to his parents.
- 00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,834 Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?
- 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,836 I thought you got it. - It's still at baggage claim!
- 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,464 Aw, damn it. Come on! We got to find him!
- 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:15,423 Kenny!
- 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,427 <i>Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor</i>
- 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:23,223 <i>who seemed to have it all... until one day</i>
- 00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:26,351 <i>- he came across a pot roast...</i>
- 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,270 <i>...and his life changed forever.</i>
- 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,149 <i>Now he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy.</i>
- 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:37,570 <i>And he's about to find out that being 8...</i>
- 00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,906 <i>Oh! - ...ain't so great.</i>
- 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:43,409 <i>Rob Schneider is "Kenny."</i>
- 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,870 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:49,582 <i>Live from the space station Zyed in the Voxlyn galaxy,</i>
- 00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:52,585 <i>it's the Biggest Douche in the Universe Award!</i>
- 00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:56,589 This year's nominees are...
- 00:20:56,714 --> 00:21:00,760 Graglar the Destructor, Andromeda galaxy, planet J-11.
- 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,765 Dormanta unit five, Jalax galaxy, planet Heelym.
- 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,767 Der-r-r-r!
- 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,645 John Edward, Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth.
- 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,314 I'm not a douche!
- 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,276 And finally Ursala the Giant Douche
- 00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:19,237 from the Horsehead nebula, station J-12.
- 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,741 And the winner for Biggest Douche in the Universe is...
- 00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:28,246 It's John Edward, Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth!
- 00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:30,623 Oh, now -- Come on, now!
- 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,125 ♪ Here he is ♪
- 00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:35,545 ♪ The biggest douche of the universe ♪
- 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,422 ♪ In all the galaxies ♪
- 00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:40,758 ♪ There's no bigger douche than you ♪
- 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,593 ♪ You've reached the top ♪
- 00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:45,596 ♪ The pinnacle of douchedom ♪
- 00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:47,682 ♪ Good going, douche ♪
- 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,351 ♪ Your dreams have come true ♪
- 00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:55,815 A-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.
- 00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:59,944 Da-derp-dee-derp da-teetley derpee-derpee dumb.
- 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:12,013 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,889 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,688 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,106 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:25,401 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,194 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
- 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,612 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
- 00:00:28,738 --> 00:00:32,533 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:37,747 [ Siren wailing ]
- 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,999 [ Tires screech ]
- 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:43,419 Be careful with my baby!
- 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,420 What have we got?
- 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,422 Not sure. Looks like a possible code 56.
- 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,215 Kenny...shut up, Kenny!
- 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,925 You're going to be okay, baby.
- 00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,385 [ Monitor beeping ]
- 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,304 Get me 50cc of ketamine stat!
- 00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,805 And get something for the kid, too.
- 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:55,890 Is he going to be okay?
- 00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,476 Let the doctor do his work, ma'am.
- 00:00:58,601 --> 00:01:01,395 [ Insects chirping ]
- 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,689 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,317 Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
- 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,195 I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
- 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,614 Why? What's wrong with him?
- 00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,533 It's his time -- It's running out.
- 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,327 Well, what does he need?
- 00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,829 He needs to have more time.
- 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,331 What can we do?
- 00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:23,084 Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant.
- 00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,336 I'll have to call in a specialist.
- 00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:26,837 It's going to be okay, baby.
- 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,506 We're going to get you more time.
- 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,508 Kenny! God damn you, Kenny!
- 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,176 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,844 [ Knock on door ]
- 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,387 Hello, there, children.
- 00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:36,764 Chef, Cartman is in the hospital.
- 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,932 They think he might die. - Yeah.
- 00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:40,226 And we don't know whether or not we should care.
- 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,435 Well, what's wrong with him?
- 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,937 Nobody seems to know, but we think
- 00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,814 it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago.
- 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,816 Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it,
- 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,651 thinking it was chocolate-milk mix.
- 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,153 Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner?
- 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,572 Like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care.
- 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:54,782 Well, you should.
- 00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,118 Cartman is your friend, whether you like him or not.
- 00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:59,453 Now, come on! We got to get to that hospital!
- 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,872 He's looking a little better today.
- 00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:04,083 Yes, but his time is still getting weaker.
- 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,252 It will give out soon unless we do something.
- 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,964 Hey, guys! How's it going?
- 00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:10,965 Cartman?
- 00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:12,133 No, that's Kenny.
- 00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:13,884 What the hell are you assholes doing here?
- 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,094 That's Cartman.
- 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:16,929 Oh, my God!
- 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,348 Eric, how long have you been channeling Kenny?
- 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,266 About a month.
- 00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,017 Let's not validate his delusions.
- 00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,979 Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free?
- 00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,106 He's gone again.
- 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,567 Ms. Cartman, we need to get Eric to a medium
- 00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,527 who can speak with people who have crossed over.
- 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,070 What?! That's preposterous!
- 00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:35,281 What this child needs is a time transplant!
- 00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,449 This hospital isn't gonna do any good.
- 00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,076 We need to take him to see John Edward.
- 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,077 I've seen that guy.
- 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,287 He has a show where he brings people on
- 00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:42,746 and talks to their dead relatives.
- 00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,957 That's right. We have to go see him in New York.
- 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,041 I warn you, Ms. Cartman --
- 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,918 your son's time could give out at any minute.
- 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,254 He needs to be kept here, where his time can be monitored.
- 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,422 What should I do?
- 00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,132 I'm playing roulette with my child's life!
- 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,342 Wait. "Hairspray" is showing in New York, isn't it?
- 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,760 Let's go there. - Good.
- 00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:58,345 You children need to come, too.
- 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,514 Eric needs all the support he can get right now.
- 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:01,765 We're going to New York?
- 00:03:02,892 --> 00:03:05,394 [Attendant ]Welcome aboard flight 673 to New York.
- 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,563 We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight.
- 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,231 In a moment, we'll be showing a preview.
- 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,774 Oh, cool! We get to watch a movie?
- 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:11,775 Awesome.
- 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:14,904 <i>Rob Schneider was an animal.</i>
- 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,947 <i>Then he was a woman.</i>
- 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,867 <i>And now Rob Schneider is...</i>
- 00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,785 [ Needle scratches ] <i>...a stapler!</i>
- 00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:26,624 <i>And he's about to find out that being a stapler...</i>
- 00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:29,627 <i>is harder than it looks.</i>
- 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:32,338 <i>Rob Schneider is... "The Stapler."</i>
- 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,131 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,466 Weak. - Weak.
- 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:36,800 [ Laughs ]
- 00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:38,636 That was Kenny laughing, not me.
- 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,765 This must be the place.
- 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,391 Okay, audience members. Hi.
- 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,101 Welcome to the taping of the show.
- 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,603 It's all general seating in there.
- 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,730 Just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear
- 00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,899 from the particular dead person you want to talk to.
- 00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,484 So just keep an open mind.
- 00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:55,778 Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he'll be able to help you.
- 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,156 [Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen, John Edward.
- 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,326 [Applause ]
- 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,786 Thank you. Thank you.
- 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,162 All right. Let's get started.
- 00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:09,208 It's coming from over here.
- 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,335 Does the name Mike mean anything to anybody?
- 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,630 I'm getting -- I'm getting Mike. Definitely an "M."
- 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,839 Maybe Matt.
- 00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:18,968 Mike. Matt. M...Mike.
- 00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:19,969 M-Mary.
- 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:21,428 Mary was my mother!
- 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,681 Okay. Okay. And she -- she's -- she died?
- 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,891 Yes. Y-Yes, she did.
- 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,851 And she's telling me there's something about the money,
- 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:29,812 that the money is safe -- Is that making sense?
- 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,147 Mm. Not really.
- 00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,400 It must be from somewhere else in the audience. Money? Someone?
- 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,610 Uh, over here, please. - We have a dead friend.
- 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,779 Quiet -- Quiet down, boys. It doesn't work that way.
- 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:39,905 Uh, okay.
- 00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,783 I-I'm getting someone now whose name is J...
- 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,785 T... It's an L...
- 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,537 It's an M... It's a K...
- 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,414 Kenny! - Kenny says hi.
- 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,499 Wow! [Applause ]
- 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,793 Okay. Now I'm getting that Kenny died.
- 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,129 We told you that. - And this wasn't a good death.
- 00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:56,922 It was, like, a sad death. It was, like, a --
- 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,632 It was, like, a death that made people sad.
- 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,175 Does that make sense?
- 00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,427 Yeah.
- 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,929 Oh! [Applause, crowd murmuring ]
- 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,849 Look, uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny
- 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,809 how we can get him out, please? - Doesn't work that way.
- 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,811 Kenny is telling me that you were his best friends
- 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,354 and he's in a safe place.
- 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,023 No, no. He's trapped in Cartman's body.
- 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,025 Ooh. There's somebody with him. Who's Kyle?
- 00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,109 I'm Kyle!
- 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,486 Oh, right. And did an older woman pass?
- 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,322 She's asking for Kyle. Maybe a grandma.
- 00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,407 Yeah! My grandma! She's here?
- 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,159 She says there was something she asked you to do
- 00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,201 and you're not doing it.
- 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,037 She wants you to look for four white doves.
- 00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,038 Oh, my God!
- 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,414 Oh, now she's sending me a "P" word.
- 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,041 Maybe it's a "B" or a "H."
- 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,709 My Harry died last year! [ Sobs ]
- 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,085 Oh, it's coming from over here.
- 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,920 I'm getting all kinds of voices today. Whoo!
- 00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:39,256 [ Laughter and applause ] Hey, wait a minute, dude.
- 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,050 Okay. Now, Harry. He's telling me...
- 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,886 Oh. Well, he's saying that you two used to do things.
- 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,137 [ Sobbing ] Mm-hmm.
- 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,514 And that those things involved...stuff?
- 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,433 The things did involve stuff! Yes!
- 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,226 Oh! - Oh, wow! Wow!
- 00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:52,895 Oh, man.
- 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,397 I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole.
- 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,232 He seemed better on TV? - Yeah.
- 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,068 They must edit his shows down on television
- 00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,153 to only show him getting mostly right answers.
- 00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,155 Grandma's watching me. Always watching me.
- 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,199 You don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you?
- 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,701 Ah-ba-ba! Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba! - Eric?
- 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,454 It must be his time. I think it's running out!
- 00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,497 We've got no choice.
- 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,499 The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric
- 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:14,500 are my parents.
- 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,877 We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland.
- 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,257 Okay, children. This is your flight back to Colorado.
- 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,218 Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver.
- 00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,511 We don't get to go to Scotland?
- 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,513 It's too far, and your parents want you back home.
- 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,598 Oh, well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso.
- 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,599 Thanks, asshole.
- 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,975 Come on. We got to catch our plane.
- 00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:33,560 You children get right on that plane, now!
- 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:34,937 [Attendant ] This is a final boarding announcement
- 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,814 for flight 342 to Denver.
- 00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:37,815 That's us. Come on.
- 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,316 Four white birds! - Huh?
- 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,111 There's four white birds!
- 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,445 This is what Grandma wants!
- 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,322 She wants me to attend Jewleeard.
- 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,616 Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually.
- 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,868 So is it a coincidence that Grandma did talk to me
- 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,370 about me going to Jewleeard someday?
- 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,122 Yes. Now, come on. Our plane's gonna leave.
- 00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,748 I'm not going back. - What?!
- 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,792 I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud.
- 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,294 Tell my parents I'll call them. - Kyle! No! Kyle!
- 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,754 Aw, crap!
- 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,384 [ Doorbell rings ]
- 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,177 Hey. I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please.
- 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,929 He doesn't do private readings.
- 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,140 I'm not here for a reading. I need to ask him something.
- 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,474 All right. Come on in.
- 00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,978 Just wait here. I'll go fetch him.
- 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,440 Jesus Christ.
- 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,482 Here he is.
- 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,527 Ladies and gentlemen, John Edward.
- 00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:26,321 [Applause ]
- 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,658 Thank you. Thank you.
- 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,326 Hey, I need to ask you a big favor.
- 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,786 You did a reading of my best friend,
- 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,288 and, uh, you kind of messed him up.
- 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,539 Oh.
- 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,791 "'The John Edward Show' is not liable for opinions
- 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,544 and materials given for entertainment purposes only."
- 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,589 Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado.
- 00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:44,923 All I need you to do is talk to him
- 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,301 and tell him the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.
- 00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:48,427 Maybe it <i>is</i> for real.
- 00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,220 Right. But it's not. It's a trick you do.
- 00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,722 I need you to let my friend know that
- 00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:52,931 so he can go on with his life.
- 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,224 People have the right to be skeptical.
- 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,684 I really hear voices in my head.
- 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,269 Yes. We all hear voices in our heads.
- 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,395 It's called intuition.
- 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,397 Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.
- 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:01,815 What I do doesn't hurt anybody.
- 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,151 I give people closure and help them cope with life.
- 00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,360 No, you give them false hope
- 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,778 and a belief in something that isn't real.
- 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:07,905 But I'm a psychic.
- 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,114 No, dude. You're a douche.
- 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240 I'm not a douche!
- 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,326 What if I really believe dead people talk to me?
- 00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,619 Then you're a stupid douche.
- 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,579 I think I've had enough of your bullying me.
- 00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,164 Get out of my house, or I'll run upstairs,
- 00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,291 lock myself in my panic room, and call the police!
- 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,501 I'm 9 years old.
- 00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,003 I'm not talking to your friend, and I'm not a douche!
- 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,213 You better get out of my house,
- 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,507 'cause I'm gonna call the police!
- 00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,008 You are so a douche!
- 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,135 I'm nominating you for Biggest Douche in the Universe Award,
- 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,136 you douche!
- 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,263 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,775 Son of a bitch.
- 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,075 Kenny! Shut up, Kenny!
- 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,243 You shut up, fat-ass!
- 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,537 Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon.
- 00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,580 [ Scottish Attendant ] Welcome aboard Scotland air.
- 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,208 Our trip to Edinburgh should take about 12 hours.
- 00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:03,210 Twelve hours?! Jesus Christ!
- 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,211 [Attendant ] In the meantime,
- 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,255 we'd like to show you a complimentary film.
- 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,506 Oh, good.
- 00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,885 <i>Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive</i>
- 00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,012 <i>with everything going for him.</i>
- 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,641 <i>Only problem is he's about to become...</i>
- 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,768 <i>[Needle scratches] ...a carrot!</i>
- 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,769 <i>I'm a carrot?!</i>
- 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,313 <i>It's 24-carrot comedy.</i>
- 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:26,149 <i>Rob Schneider is..."A Carrot."</i>
- 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,360 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,988 Oh, for the love of Christ -- I want to watch, fat boy!
- 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,656 No, Kenny! It's not funny!
- 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,368 Kyle! Kyle!
- 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,288 Don't try and stop me, Stan. This is what my grandma wants.
- 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,914 I went and saw that John Edward guy.
- 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,124 He's just a big douche.
- 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,251 He's not a douche. He talked to my grandma.
- 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,670 You can't run your life based on what some douchy psychic said.
- 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,505 They all just use a technique called cold reading.
- 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:49,840 They've used it for hundreds of years
- 00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:51,675 to make people believe them. - Hey. Whoa, now.
- 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,135 John Edward is for real.
- 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,595 No, he's not. - Yeah.
- 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,432 My sister told me he knew our mother's name <i>and</i> when she died.
- 00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,850 John Edward? Oh, yeah.
- 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,852 I heard he walked up to a guy on the street
- 00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,062 and said his dead father wanted to say happy birthday,
- 00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,606 and it <i>was</i> his birthday!
- 00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,233 Yeah, kid. How do you explain that?
- 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,360 All right. Look. I'll show you.
- 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,070 I just need a volunteer. How about you?
- 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,572 Oh! Me?
- 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,657 [Applause ]
- 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,243 I'm gonna pretend a dead person is talking to me about you.
- 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,202 Okay.
- 00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:20,287 Okay. Watch, Kyle.
- 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,371 It's an older man.
- 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,415 Someone very close to you. - My father?
- 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,834 Does this month, November, hold a special significance?
- 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,919 [ Gasps ] My birthday's in November!
- 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,255 Right. Because he's saying, "Tell her happy birthday."
- 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,673 Oh, my God! - See, Kyle?
- 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:32,841 I started with something really vague.
- 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,217 I chose "older man" because I'm betting that,
- 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,303 based on this woman's age, her father is most likely dead.
- 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,471 But if her father wasn't dead,
- 00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,139 I could still say it was some other older man.
- 00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,433 But how'd you know her birthday was in November?
- 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,518 I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything.
- 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,020 Her father could have died in November,
- 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,897 or Thanksgiving could've been really special for them.
- 00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,316 But I go with the birthday and validate it now as if I knew
- 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,318 by saying, "He wishes you a happy birthday."
- 00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:52,986 [ Gasps ] What else does he say?
- 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,571 Okay. I'll just use an old standard.
- 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,948 He's saying, "The money. Stop worrying about the money."
- 00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,450 [ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
- 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,119 My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance!
- 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,621 That's amazing. - No, it isn't.
- 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,706 When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue.
- 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,541 And money is something everyone worries about.
- 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,710 That sounds a little too coincidental.
- 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,629 Yes. There's only one explanation.
- 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,631 This kid can communicate with the dead!
- 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:13,632 Oh! - Wow!
- 00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,008 What?! - I want to talk to my mother.
- 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,218 Can you try to reach my grandfather?
- 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:16,968 No. Wait!
- 00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,096 You have to tell me if my sister is in a good place, okay?
- 00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,263 Yeah, help me out, too! - I'm next!
- 00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,515 Hey! Get out of my way! - Here. D-Do me!
- 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,601 Kid, how would you like your own talking-to-the-dead show?
- 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:28,480 [ Bagpipes playing ]
- 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,695 Hi, Pop!
- 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,572 Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you, now.
- 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,324 These are my friends -- the Cartmans.
- 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,493 Well, come on in out of the cold, now!
- 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,829 There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.
- 00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:45,997 Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nelly!
- 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,666 Oh, my baby come home!
- 00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:48,709 Hi, Mama!
- 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,128 Lord, I thought you wasn't coming till 9:00.
- 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,338 Mom, this is my friend Ms. Cartman.
- 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:54,798 Please call me Liane.
- 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,967 So nice to have you here, Liane.
- 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,010 And is this the children you told us about?
- 00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,429 Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
- 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,347 Well, let's see here.
- 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,474 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,059 Mm-hmm.
- 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,645 Yep. There is definitely more than one children in there.
- 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:09,646 Oh, dear.
- 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,314 Nelly, you best have at it, now.
- 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,651 Oh, Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too.
- 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,112 Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it.
- 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,363 Don't nobody blame me.
- 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,906 Woman can't baste no roast
- 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,200 and do everything else at the same time.
- 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,327 I ain't saying the roast is gonna be terrible.
- 00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,954 Maybe just a little dry.
- 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,290 But I suppose we can make some extra gravy
- 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,208 to take the dryness out later.
- 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,794 All right, children. Stand up on this chair, now.
- 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,255 Right now? - Yes, right now.
- 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,549 La-kah-ma! Ka-ras-beh-ma!
- 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,217 Come on, now! - Whoa! Whoa! Watch it, lady!
- 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,261 Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing.
- 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,471 Come out there, now!
- 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,431 <i>At a very young age,</i>
- 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,516 <i>one young boy learned he had a special gift.</i>
- 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,185 <i>This is "The Other Side."</i>
- 00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,395 [Applause ]
- 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,232 Okay. Listen to me.
- 00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,567 Listen very carefully.
- 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,862 This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch.
- 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,405 All I'm gonna do is say a name
- 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,240 that I'm gonna pick at random, okay?
- 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:05,535 They want me to acknowledge Pete or Peter.
- 00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,037 Yes! Yes! My Peter! [ Sobs ]
- 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,206 [Audience gasps ]
- 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,373 No! Stop clapping!
- 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,750 All I did was pick a random name
- 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,960 and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response.
- 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,421 Now that I see that there is a lone woman crying,
- 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,423 my instinct tells me Peter was her husband.
- 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,425 So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
- 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,428 Yes! Yes! Yes! My husband, Peter!
- 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,889 Oh! - Oh, wow!
- 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,682 Stop it! I didn't do anything!
- 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:28,934 You knew Peter was dead!
- 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,602 I didn't start by saying, "Peter is dead."
- 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,230 I started by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter."
- 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,648 That could've meant Peter was in the audience
- 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,191 or Peter was somebody's friend or Peter had died.
- 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,609 I couldn't be wrong. See?
- 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,903 Now, I can look at this woman and that she's fairly young.
- 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,155 So odds are her husband was fairly young when he died.
- 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,657 So I can say something like,
- 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:45,992 "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
- 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,494 Yes, it was. [ Sobs ]
- 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,496 Oh! - Amazing!
- 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,873 Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy!
- 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,001 Okay. Let's back up.
- 00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,755 Not literally!
- 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,799 Lord, come out! Come out, spirit, now!
- 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,716 Come on, now!
- 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,760 In the name of all that is holy,
- 00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,263 we demand this spirit be set free!
- 00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,473 [ Groaning, rumbling ]
- 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,892 There we go. We're getting something, now.
- 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769 Come on out, spirit soul!
- 00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,105 Come on out, now! It's safe!
- 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,273 Aah!
- 00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:19,150 Here it comes! The spirit is coming out now.
- 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,652 [ Bell chimes ]
- 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,738 Ooh. That's the potatoes.
- 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,785 Well, hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman!
- 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,287 The soul's coming out now.
- 00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:32,998 Aah-ga-ga! Aah-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!
- 00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:33,915 It's almost out.
- 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,544 All right, son. Now bring me the victim child.
- 00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,546 The victim child? - Yeah!
- 00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,965 You know -- the child that we sacrifice
- 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,467 so we could put Kenny's soul into its body.
- 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,598 Oh, Lord. They didn't bring a victim child.
- 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,933 Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?
- 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,269 We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from.
- 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,438 Raba-raba! - God damn it!
- 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,607 The spirit's out, and it don't have nowhere to go!
- 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,942 Oh, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains!
- 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,446 [ Up-tempo hip-hop plays ]
- 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,324 <i>Rob Schneider derp-da-derp.</i>
- 00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:10,410 <i>Derp-de-derpity-derpy-derp.</i>
- 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:14,581 <i>Until one day... a-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.</i>
- 00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:15,624 [ Needle scratches ]
- 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,168 <i>Derp-de-derp, ta-tittaly-tum!</i>
- 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,712 <i>Oh! Whoa! Whoa!</i>
- 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:25,300 <i>From the creators of "Der" and "Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, "</i>
- 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,927 <i>Rob Schneider is...</i>
- 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,889 <i>"Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb."</i>
- 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,974 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,354 Here. Look, Kyle.
- 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:38,939 I found tons of testimonials on the Internet
- 00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,941 saying John Edward has the entire studio wired
- 00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:43,026 to hear what people are talking about before the show
- 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,278 and he pays actors to be plants in the audience.
- 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,489 You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.
- 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,531 Fine! I give up!
- 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,909 You want to stay in New York, then go ahead!
- 00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,081 So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?
- 00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,832 No. I don't think either one of us can.
- 00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,793 They told me your show is getting better ratings,
- 00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,920 that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show.
- 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,589 You better not ever call me a liar or a fake
- 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,759 or a douche again or else I'll sue you for slander!
- 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,511 I am saying this to you, John Edward.
- 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,012 You are a liar, you are a fake,
- 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,348 and you are the biggest douche ever.
- 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,642 Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope.
- 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,519 How does that make me a douche?!
- 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,396 The big questions in life are tough -- Why are we here?
- 00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:20,730 Where are we from? Where are we going?
- 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,024 But if people believe in asshole douchy liars like you,
- 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,110 we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions.
- 00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,111 You aren't just lying,
- 00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,197 you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche.
- 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,490 I'm not a douche!
- 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,951 And I challenge you to a psychic showdown!
- 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,954 I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not!
- 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,122 Fine, douche!
- 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,415 I'm not a douche!
- 00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:41,584 [ Insects chirping ]
- 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,295 [ Dramatic music plays ] Come on! The soul's in here!
- 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,464 It's panicking now! It's going to the light!
- 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,216 Unfortunately it's the living-room light.
- 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,885 I'll open a window. You try to chase it out, Thomas.
- 00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,887 Go on, now, soul, now!
- 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,347 Here, spirit! Come out the window!
- 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,724 I'll give you three-fitty!
- 00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,727 Now, don't go offering the soul no three-fitty, woman!
- 00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,729 I'm just trying to persuade it. - Well, I know!
- 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,481 But you could at least start at a buck-o-five or something.
- 00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:05,358 Aw, Christmas! There it goes again!
- 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,153 It's heading for the kitchen! Oh, Thomas! The pot roast!
- 00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,947 Over here! - Don't let it get in the roast!
- 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,912 Oh. Well.
- 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,582 I guess the child's a pot roast now.
- 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,250 What do we do with it now?
- 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,419 Well, I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap
- 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,087 so you can take it home with you.
- 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,381 Should last a few months in the freezer.
- 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,924 Hey, I feel a lot better.
- 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,259 Eric! You're okay!
- 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,386 Oh, baby! Your time is back!
- 00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,348 This child is clean.
- 00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,350 <i>Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Psychic Showdown."</i>
- 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,603 <i>Here are John Edward and Stan Marsh.</i>
- 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,271 [Applause ]
- 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,647 Thank you.
- 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:45,815 All right, asshole.
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,484 I know you're here to try to throw me off.
- 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,277 So go ahead -- give me your best shot.
- 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,570 No, I don't want to talk to you.
- 00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,447 I want to talk to the audience. - W-Why?
- 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,698 You see, I learned something today.
- 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,158 At first I thought you were all just stupid,
- 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,202 listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand
- 00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,745 that you're all here because you're scared.
- 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,080 You're scared of death, and he offers you
- 00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,748 some kind of understanding.
- 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,249 You all want to believe in it so much.
- 00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:04,250 I know you do.
- 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,877 You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones
- 00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,796 are floating around, trying to talk to you, but think about it.
- 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,298 Is that really what you want -- to just be floating around
- 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,300 after you die, having to talk to <i>this</i> asshole?
- 00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,346 We need to recognize this stuff for what it is -- magic tricks.
- 00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,807 Because whatever is really going on in life and in death
- 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683 is much more amazing than this douche.
- 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,400 [ Cheers and applause ]
- 00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:32,112 You're right, Stan!
- 00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,613 My grandma isn't floating around,
- 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,156 judging me and watching what I do.
- 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,367 She's dead. Dead and gone forever!
- 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,368 Yeah.
- 00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,912 But I do have a special power! I know I do!
- 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,080 There's nothing special about you, dude.
- 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,415 Get over yourself. - God damn it, I'm special!
- 00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,751 [ Rumbling ]
- 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,586 What the... [ Gasps ]
- 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,755 [ Whirring ]
- 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,299 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:04,394 Greetings from the Janax galaxy. We seek the great John Edward.
- 00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:06,646 Why, that...that's me!
- 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,982 Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
- 00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:11,818 Well, thank you very much!
- 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:12,694 No. It can't be.
- 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,070 I am Quagmar,
- 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,948 and this is the intergalactic BDIU Committee.
- 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,617 Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you
- 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:23,371 that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche in the Universe!
- 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,415 [Applause ] What?!
- 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,042 You are the first nominee from the Milky Way galaxy.
- 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,378 Congratulations. - Oh, dude!
- 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,547 If you'll step into our Blavlafrede,
- 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,633 we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show.
- 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,719 No! Wait! I'm not a douche!
- 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:40,054 I make people feel good about themselves!
- 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,765 I give people resolution!
- 00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,191 Now do you people believe me?
- 00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,401 I don't know.
- 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,653 How'd Edward know my father died in March?
- 00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,741 God damn it! That was a long flight!
- 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,285 I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass, smelly Scotland!
- 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:05,079 It's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie.
- 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,457 Well, come on. We better get Kenny back to his parents.
- 00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,834 Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?
- 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,836 I thought you got it. - It's still at baggage claim!
- 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,464 Aw, damn it. Come on! We got to find him!
- 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:15,423 Kenny!
- 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,427 <i>Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor</i>
- 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:23,223 <i>who seemed to have it all... until one day</i>
- 00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:26,351 <i>- he came across a pot roast... [Needle scratches]</i>
- 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,270 <i>...and his life changed forever.</i>
- 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,149 <i>Now he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy.</i>
- 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:37,570 <i>And he's about to find out that being 8...</i>
- 00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,906 <i>Oh! - ...ain't so great.</i>
- 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:43,409 <i>[ Gunshot] Rob Schneider is "Kenny."</i>
- 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,870 <i>Rated PG-13.</i>
- 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:49,582 <i>Live from the space station Zyed in the Voxlyn galaxy,</i>
- 00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:52,585 <i>it's the Biggest Douche in the Universe Award!</i>
- 00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:54,087 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:56,589 This year's nominees are...
- 00:20:56,714 --> 00:21:00,760 Graglar the Destructor, Andromeda galaxy, planet J-11.
- 00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:02,178 [ Roars ]
- 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,765 Dormanta unit five, Jalax galaxy, planet Heelym.
- 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,767 Der-r-r-r!
- 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,645 John Edward, Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth.
- 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,314 [ Cheers and applause ] I'm not a douche!
- 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,276 And finally Ursala the Giant Douche
- 00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:19,237 from the Horsehead nebula, station J-12.
- 00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:20,989 [Applause ]
- 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,741 And the winner for Biggest Douche in the Universe is...
- 00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:24,993 [ Drumroll ] [ Gasps ]
- 00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:28,246 It's John Edward, Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth!
- 00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:30,623 Oh, now -- Come on, now!
- 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,125 ♪ Here he is ♪
- 00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:35,545 ♪ The biggest douche of the universe ♪
- 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,422 ♪ In all the galaxies ♪
- 00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:40,758 ♪ There's no bigger douche than you ♪
- 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,593 ♪ You've reached the top ♪
- 00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:45,596 ♪ The pinnacle of douchedom ♪
- 00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:47,682 ♪ Good going, douche ♪
- 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,351 ♪ Your dreams have come true ♪
- 00:21:50,476 --> 00:21:53,021 [Applause ]
- 00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:55,815 A-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.
- 00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:59,944 Da-derp-dee-derp da-teetley derpee-derpee dumb.
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