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Лестница в небо
A Ladder to Heaven
Сезон: 06Серия: 12
Описание
Друзья хотят добраться к Кенни — у него их лотерейный билет. Для этого они строят лестницу в рай. Картман случайно выпивает прах Кенни, перепутав его с какао, и теперь одержим его духом.
Субтитры
- 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:12,013 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,889 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,688 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,106 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:25,401 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,194 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
- 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,571 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
- 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,450 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:39,623 Oh! Hello, there, kids. Welcome to Lolly's candy shop.
- 00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:41,459 We're the kids whose names you called on your commercial.
- 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:42,710 We're here to do the shopping spree.
- 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,045 Oh, that's great!
- 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:46,005 You bet your fat clown ass it is.
- 00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,924 Okay. Well, I'll just need your ticket stub.
- 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:50,968 Ticket stub?
- 00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:52,803 You know -- When you entered the contest,
- 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,555 you got the other half of this ticket.
- 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,973 Oh, shit! who has the ticket stub?
- 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,308 It was such a long time ago!
- 00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:59,226 We don't really need the ticket stub, do we?
- 00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:01,520 Don't need the ticket stub? Are you high?
- 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,314 How else do I know you're the winners?
- 00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,316 Because our names were called on the commercial last night.
- 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:08,486 Sorry, boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree.
- 00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,362 If you find it, you can come back.
- 00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:12,698 But you only have one week to claim the prize.
- 00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:15,451 That's called a ticking clock. Works great in the movies.
- 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,415 God damn it!
- 00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:23,292 We've got to find that ticket. - Which one of us took it?
- 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,877 It was so long ago. I-I can't remember.
- 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,838 We've got to focus. We've got to focus and remember.
- 00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:30,674 All right! There you go.
- 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,009 Hold on to that ticket stub.
- 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,844 You'll need it to claim your prize.
- 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,763 Sign up for the five-minute shopping spree!
- 00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,848 You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it.
- 00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:40,601 No. I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle.
- 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,394 Okay.
- 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,355 N-No. I don't want that much responsibility.
- 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,190 Here. You hold on to it, Kenny.
- 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,817 Mrph rm.
- 00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:51,112 Kenny!
- 00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:52,530 Aah! - Aah!
- 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,451 Yes?
- 00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:58,661 Where's Kenny?
- 00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:03,541 Uh, boys... Kenny died last December.
- 00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:05,042 Don't you remember?
- 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,503 We know he's dead. We mean where is his body?
- 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,839 His body? But why?
- 00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:11,674 Because he has the goddamn ticket for the --
- 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,384 Look, we just really miss our friend,
- 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:16,095 and, uh, and we need to see his remains for closure.
- 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:18,389 Yeah. Closure. - What the fuck is closure?
- 00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,224 Oh, all right, boys. Come on in.
- 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,352 We haven't seen you boys for so long.
- 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,771 W-We thought you'd forgotten all about him.
- 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,066 Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny.
- 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:32,695 You turned him into a teapot?
- 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,572 No. That's an urn, boys.
- 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:35,823 Kenny's inside it.
- 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,825 Your friends are here to see you, Kenny.
- 00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,452 They miss you an awful lot, like we all do.
- 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,832 T-Thanks for coming by, boys. It -- It means a lot to us.
- 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,501 Oh, now, honey.
- 00:03:07,605 --> 00:03:08,564 Did you get it? - Hold on.
- 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:11,108 I'm checking for robot guards.
- 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,818 There's not gonna be any robot guards, retard.
- 00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,403 Just get Kenny.
- 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,948 You guys piss me off.
- 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,205 All right! We made it.
- 00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:26,040 Kenny better have the ticket stub with him in there.
- 00:03:26,165 --> 00:03:27,666 Let him out, Cartman.
- 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,921 Kenny?
- 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:33,088 Kenny? - Is he in there?
- 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:34,340 I can't see.
- 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,470 What the hell is this, chocolate-milk mix?
- 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:41,222 I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that teapot.
- 00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:42,264 It was a trick!
- 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,558 God damn it! This isn't even good chocolate-milk mix!
- 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,477 Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now.
- 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:47,519 We were dumb enough to believe
- 00:03:47,645 --> 00:03:48,854 Kenny's body could be in a teapot.
- 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,606 Why would they play such a cruel joke on us?
- 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,690 Because they're poor, Kyle!
- 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,067 Poor people don't have anything better to do
- 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:54,068 than piss other people off.
- 00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,278 Don't you watch "Springer"? - We just have to face it.
- 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,321 We're not gonna get Kenny back,
- 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:58,113 and we're not gonna have our shopping spree.
- 00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,740 It's over. - God damn it!
- 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,492 There has to be a way!
- 00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:02,868 Hmm.
- 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,836 Hmm. Not bad.
- 00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:28,686 Hurry up, Kenny. You're gonna be late for school!
- 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,437 Aah!
- 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,231 I don't think that chocolate-milk mix
- 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,482 agreed with my stomach.
- 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,027 Cartman, come on! - What?! What?!
- 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:39,071 Jesus, you butt-holes! It's 6:00 in the morning!
- 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,615 Kyle figured out a way to get our ticket stub back from Kenny!
- 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:42,658 How?
- 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:43,826 A ladder to heaven.
- 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,119 We build it, climb up,
- 00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:47,997 and get our winning ticket back from that asshole Kenny.
- 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,837 Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse,
- 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,380 you should start with the floor.
- 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:57,339 We're not building a clubhouse.
- 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:58,549 We're building a ladder to heaven.
- 00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,968 A ladder to heaven? Why, son?
- 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:02,636 Because we want to see Kenny again.
- 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:07,391 Oh. Oh, that's so sweet.
- 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:09,560 That's the s-saddest thing I've ever heard.
- 00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:11,395 Hey, Randy, can I borrow your, uh...
- 00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,605 What the hell are they doing?
- 00:05:13,731 --> 00:05:15,858 The boys want to see their dead friend Kenny again, Jimbo,
- 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,610 so they're... building a ladder to heaven.
- 00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:19,903 Aw.
- 00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:21,989 Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes enough.
- 00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:23,282 No. It's all right, Sheila.
- 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,700 The boys were just...
- 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,411 building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend Kenny.
- 00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,455 A ladder to -- Oh.
- 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,497 Oh, gosh.
- 00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:32,374 Oh, that's so touching.
- 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,590 Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
- 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:40,716 where last December,
- 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,802 8-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness.
- 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:46,138 But now that little boy's three closest friends
- 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:47,765 miss their friend so much
- 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:51,602 that they are building a ladder to heaven in order to...
- 00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:54,938 a-a ladder to heaven in order to try to see him again.
- 00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:57,274 It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom.
- 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,109 Here's what some people had to say.
- 00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,944 Well, our son just said to us
- 00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:04,573 that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and...
- 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,451 ...and that he thought it would work if he...
- 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,411 ...built a ladder to heaven.
- 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,954 They just believe in their little hearts
- 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:11,955 that it will work.
- 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:14,166 We can't tell them it won't. We just can't!
- 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,086 It shows how beautiful the innocence of a child really is.
- 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,802 A ladder to heaven? That's fucking stupid.
- 00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:27,846 These boys symbolize how we all feel about loss.
- 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,932 Who are we to tell them it's impossible?
- 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,893 Tom, people from all over the... Sorry.
- 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:35,646 People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder,
- 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,190 feeling a connection to its symbolism and beauty.
- 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,609 Even country singer Alan Jackson has shown up
- 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,070 with a song he has written about the ladder.
- 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,155 Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song
- 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,032 "Where Were You"
- 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,951 about the tragedies on September 11th.
- 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:52,162 And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions.
- 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,664 Let's listen in.
- 00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:58,669 ♪ Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven? ♪
- 00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:01,630 ♪ Did it make you feel like cryin' ♪
- 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,550 ♪ Or did you think it was kinda gay? ♪
- 00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:06,009 What a beautiful song.
- 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:10,889 ♪ Well, I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven ♪
- 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,184 ♪ Mm, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,478 ♪ 9/11 ♪
- 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,814 ♪ I said 9/11 ♪
- 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:22,192 ♪ 9/11, 9/11 ♪
- 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:26,196 ♪ 9, 9, 9 ♪
- 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,490 ♪ 11 ♪
- 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,078 Thank you! I have a new CD out
- 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,706 with all my 9/11 songs for sale right here.
- 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,717 Oh, good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.
- 00:07:46,842 --> 00:07:48,886 I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car.
- 00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:50,721 Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
- 00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:51,972 No.
- 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:57,728 Hurry up, Kenny. You're gonna be late for school!
- 00:07:57,853 --> 00:08:02,608 Kenny, do you by chance know what happened to my <i>Playboys?</i>
- 00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,526 Kenny, answer me!
- 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,195 Cartman? Cartman!
- 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,196 W-What? What?
- 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:08,780 Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
- 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:09,740 I don't know.
- 00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,242 It's like my brain just keeps... jacking off.
- 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,077 Maybe you've got brain cancer. - You think?!
- 00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:15,454 Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman.
- 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:16,872 You're gonna fall off and break it.
- 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:23,253 <i>The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in Colorado</i>
- 00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:24,713 <i>who are building a ladder to heaven</i>
- 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,340 <i>to be with their dead friend.</i>
- 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:29,426 <i>It's making Americans start to believe in heaven again.</i>
- 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,845 When I see how this ladder has brought people together,
- 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,722 how -- how it has changed America,
- 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,307 I mean, how can I not believe?
- 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,643 Do you actually believe in the ladder to heaven?
- 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:41,605 If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis.
- 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,357 And the pearly gates are the --
- 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:46,401 Pshhhht!
- 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,654 <i>Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont--</i>
- 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,697 <i>Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.</i>
- 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:51,949 <i>We are getting reports now</i>
- 00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:54,409 <i>that Japan is building their own ladder to heaven</i>
- 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,078 <i>to compete with the U.S.'s.</i>
- 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,081 <i>Let's go live to SNN correspondent Nobu Hirosahsubua.</i>
- 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:03,460 <i>This is Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting live from Tokyo,</i>
- 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:07,339 <i>where Japan has started building its own ladder to heaven.</i>
- 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:10,759 <i>Already the Japanese ladder extend far into space</i>
- 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,054 <i>and is growing by 1,000 miles every day.</i>
- 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:16,765 <i>As the endeavor continues, it is becoming clear</i>
- 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,519 that Japan will reach heaven before the United States.
- 00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:22,229 <i>Pbht!</i>
- 00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,773 ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪
- 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,526 ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪ - Uh, excuse me.
- 00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,695 ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪ - Excuse me!
- 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,698 ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪ - Uh, we ran out of stuff.
- 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,952 We ran out of stuff to build the ladder with.
- 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,161 Oh, no.
- 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:39,663 Oh, Jesus, no.
- 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,165 ♪ Where were you when they ran out of stuff ♪
- 00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:45,043 ♪ To build the ladder to heaven? ♪
- 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,004 We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down houses
- 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:48,505 for wood. - No!
- 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,008 Uh, look, I think maybe this has gone far enough.
- 00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:52,009 Yeah.
- 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,011 I-It's time we told the boys the truth --
- 00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,971 that they aren't really going to get to heaven.
- 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,806 Wait! Look!
- 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,020 We've come to help you beat those Japs, boys.
- 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:04,396 There won't be anyone stopping
- 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,481 this great ladder from being built today!
- 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,486 Alpha team, get that support structure up!
- 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,822 Surveillance team, get us photos and recon!
- 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,157 Yes, sir!
- 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,283 ♪ Where were you ♪
- 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:19,953 ♪ When they saved that ladder to heaven? ♪
- 00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,079 Man, I can't believe how much
- 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:22,623 people want us to get our ticket back.
- 00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,459 Candy shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle.
- 00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:36,261 You see anything?
- 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,429 No.
- 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,474 Hello? Kenny?
- 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,435 God?
- 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,645 Grandma?
- 00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,816 Oh, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet.
- 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,193 No cloud city. Not even the giant.
- 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,819 Heaven must still be a long way off.
- 00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:54,780 All right. Look. I didn't want to have to say this.
- 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,573 But I think maybe we're not seeing heaven
- 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,742 because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
- 00:10:58,867 --> 00:10:59,451 Huh?
- 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,828 Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubble Yum forest.
- 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,872 You only see them if you really believe in them.
- 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:04,873 What? - You know.
- 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:08,835 Maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
- 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,047 What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?!
- 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,590 Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
- 00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,550 Yes, we do! Just not the Christian heaven!
- 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:16,176 Right!
- 00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,595 Your idea of heaven is getting $5 off your matzo ball soup
- 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,514 at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
- 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:21,431 Aah!
- 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:25,602 Hey, Kenny. - Hey, Kenny.
- 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,062 Mrph rmhmhm rm.
- 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,980 ♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto ♪
- 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:30,774 ♪ He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride ♪
- 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,275 ♪ 'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside ♪
- 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:34,444 ♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto ♪
- 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,071 Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rm!
- 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,072 What did you say?!
- 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,949 Mrph mrph rm rmhmhm rm mrph rm!
- 00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:40,242 What did you say?!
- 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,328 I said, "Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!"
- 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,624 Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
- 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,209 Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
- 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:50,252 I don't know. I just --
- 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,920 I keep feeling like I'm Kenny,
- 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,922 seeing memories through his eyes.
- 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,757 You're too fat to be Kenny.
- 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:58,802 You're a...stupid Jew. - Let's just keep building.
- 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,887 We only have five more days until the shopping spree.
- 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,349 All right. How's the ladder going, General?
- 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,642 Are we beating the Japanese?
- 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:08,395 Not quite. But we have a new problem, Mr. President.
- 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,231 Our recon team on the ladder just found new evidence
- 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,734 of threats from Saddam Hussein.
- 00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:16,570 Saddam Hussein? But...we killed him!
- 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,321 We secretly took him out months ago.
- 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:21,116 Yes, sir, and now we believe that he's building weapons
- 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,453 of mass destruction...in heaven.
- 00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:27,080 Dear Christ. That son of a bitch just doesn't stop.
- 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,374 These surveillance photos were taken atop the ladder
- 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,126 of what appears to be heaven.
- 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,754 Here we see what we believe to be a missile silo.
- 00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:36,590 And here we see what looks like a laboratory of some sort
- 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:38,133 for making chemical weapons.
- 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,802 That kind of looks like a sea gull.
- 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,972 Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a sea gull.
- 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,557 That tricky bastard.
- 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,850 Sir, you must understand our fears.
- 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,477 We must take out those facilities.
- 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,730 We must...bomb heaven.
- 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,648 SNN question of the day --
- 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,151 Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we bomb it?
- 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,612 The polls right now show that 51% of Americans
- 00:12:58,737 --> 00:12:59,946 think Saddam has to be dealt with,
- 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,407 while 49% are wimpy, tree-hugging pussies.
- 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,159 War is not <i>my</i> voice.
- 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,579 This country's run by rednecks and bumpkins with their guns!
- 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:10,665 We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves.
- 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,792 I, for one, believe
- 00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,794 that if Saddam Hussein were an 8-year-old boy
- 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:17,422 and my penis were the United States, then there would...
- 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:18,632 Hard nipples!
- 00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,258 God damn it.
- 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,927 Pshhhht!
- 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,722 Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys
- 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,432 set out to build a ladder to heaven
- 00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,392 and captured the nation's hearts.
- 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:32,354 They've made a nation believe heaven might be up there --
- 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,190 and it could prove to be a threat to our country.
- 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,443 President Bush will seek U.N. approval for military action.
- 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,446 Boys, it's really neat
- 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:45,200 that you want to see your old pal Kenny so much, but...
- 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,702 But it's time for you to get back to school
- 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:48,912 and on with your lives.
- 00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,163 No. We have to see Kenny.
- 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:51,540 You have to understand
- 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,542 that Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds.
- 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:55,043 He was cremated.
- 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,127 Cremated? What's that?
- 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,839 When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven
- 00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:01,007 and cooked until you're nothing but ashes.
- 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:03,552 What?! For God's sakes, why?!
- 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,346 It's just what some people do. - Are you gonna burn me?
- 00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,014 Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
- 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,182 Jesus Christ!
- 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,268 A person's ashes are put into an urn,
- 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:13,103 and that's where Kenny's body is.
- 00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,897 You see, boys, Kenny is in here.
- 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,608 What the...
- 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:22,112 W-Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!
- 00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,363 All right. All right.
- 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,865 I drank the chocolate-milk mix
- 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,825 and replaced it with kitty litter.
- 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:27,826 You what?!
- 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,494 Dude, don't you know what this means?
- 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,413 You drank Kenny!
- 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,497 Shut up.
- 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:35,166 You did, dude. You drank his whole body!
- 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,543 Shut up.
- 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,462 Oh, my God! This is awful!
- 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,381 And disgusting.
- 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,426 Bad, Eric. Bad.
- 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:46,303 That explains it --
- 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,221 why I'm having Kenny's memories all the time.
- 00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,890 His soul is inside me!
- 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,224 So much for our winning ticket.
- 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:53,018 Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny.
- 00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:54,477 Yeah. Good job, fat-ass.
- 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,272 I can't live like this.
- 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,565 I-I have to find a place
- 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,109 where they remove living souls from your body.
- 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,989 Looks like I've come to the right place.
- 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,866 Can I help you? - Yes. Hello.
- 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,659 I have a living thing inside of me
- 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:11,161 that I need sucked out, please.
- 00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:12,829 You'll have to make an appointment.
- 00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:14,706 The charge is $230.
- 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:15,832 $230?!
- 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,417 I just want you to vacuum him out of me,
- 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,044 not put him up in a condominium!
- 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,171 It's gonna be okay, babe.
- 00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,256 Listen, lady! You got to get this crap out of me!
- 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:24,257 I don't want him in me anymore!
- 00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,468 Just suck him up and throw him out!
- 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,762 Oh, Steven, I can't go through with this.
- 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,931 I have to keep it!
- 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:33,224 Damn it! Damn it!
- 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,061 Thanks a lot, kid!
- 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,399 Kenny...Kenny...Kenny...
- 00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:44,069 Kenny, Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping spree!
- 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:46,154 We're all gonna pitch in on an entry...entry...
- 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,572 All right! There you go.
- 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,908 Hold on to that ticket stub... ticket stub...ticket stub...
- 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,243 Hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it...lose it...
- 00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,578 No. I'll lose it for sure.
- 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,830 You keep track of it, Kyle... of it, Kyle...of it, Kyle.
- 00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:56,873 Okay. No.
- 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,750 I don't want that much responsibility...sibility...
- 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,293 Here. You hold on to it, Kenny...Kenny...
- 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:01,836 Mrph rm! Mrph rm...mrph rm...
- 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,422 You better not lose that ticket, Kenny,
- 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,091 or else I'll kick you in the nuts!
- 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,009 The nuts...the nuts....
- 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,978 The ticket!
- 00:16:18,103 --> 00:16:19,562 Kenny didn't have it on him when he died!
- 00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:21,439 He put it away somewhere! Don't you see?!
- 00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,733 I can still have my candy shopping spree!
- 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,402 Oh, my God! You guys!
- 00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:27,362 You guys!
- 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:30,198 Ladies and gentlemen of the U.N.,
- 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,575 we have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there
- 00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:34,911 building weapons of mass destruction.
- 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,747 We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic
- 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,417 to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven,
- 00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:43,378 but he has not responded.
- 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,090 Of course he has not responded, because he's dead!
- 00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,217 Right. Dead and in heaven.
- 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:50,218 This is preposterous!
- 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,303 Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think
- 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:53,972 Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?
- 00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,808 Our intelligence tells us when Saddam was originally killed,
- 00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,768 his soul actually went to hell.
- 00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,479 But while in hell, he began a homosexual relationship
- 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,231 with Satan, the prince of darkness.
- 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,357 Satan, however, decided
- 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,817 he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore
- 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:07,610 and broke up with him around August.
- 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:08,987 When Saddam became jealous
- 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,322 and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris,
- 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,991 Satan had Saddam sent to heaven
- 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,952 to live with Mormons as a punishment.
- 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,540 Questions?
- 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,376 Yes?
- 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:26,629 Are you high or just incredibly stupid?
- 00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:30,341 I assure you I am not high.
- 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,638 You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket!
- 00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:36,806 What do you mean, fat-ass?
- 00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,349 I just had another vision, you butt-holes.
- 00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:39,684 Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him.
- 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:40,977 He put it away somewhere!
- 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,145 Where?! - I don't know.
- 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,230 I got conked in the head down at the abortion clinic,
- 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,815 and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,067 in a little red box.
- 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,735 I just have to wait for another vision to come.
- 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,987 I could clearly see through Kenny's -- Ahh!
- 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,827 You see anything?
- 00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,162 Yes, Kyle.
- 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,288 I see a dead Jew!
- 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,539 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Maybe Kyle's right.
- 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:02,999 We got to spark the vision somehow.
- 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:04,667 Not by giving me brain damage!
- 00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:07,879 Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?
- 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,049 All right. Go ahead.
- 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:13,343 No.
- 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,263 Randy, Gerald, we -- we were wrong about heaven!
- 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,682 The Japanese just reached it with their ladder!
- 00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:21,101 What?
- 00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:22,477 See for yourself.
- 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:27,190 This is Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting live from heaven.
- 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,901 The great nation of Japan reached heaven today
- 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:32,028 about 8:00 Pacific Standard Time.
- 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,738 Aah!
- 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:36,533 Therefore, heaven is now declared
- 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,702 an official part of Japan because we got here first.
- 00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,830 And now for the weather in heaven,
- 00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:43,498 let's go to Natsako Sen.
- 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:47,293 Today weather in heaven -- partly cloudy.
- 00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:49,963 That's the news from heaven.
- 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:55,009 Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!
- 00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:58,138 Oh, God. And we told our boys they'd never reach heaven.
- 00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,347 Kids!
- 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:03,560 Good.
- 00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:04,978 As soon as the boys finish their ladder,
- 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,855 we'll be ready to take Saddam out.
- 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:09,107 Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy?
- 00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:12,235 If Saddam is building weapons, we have to stop him --
- 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,611 with our weapons.
- 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:14,988 Uh, excuse me, everyone.
- 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,656 We're not working on the ladder anymore.
- 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,074 Thank you. We're done.
- 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:20,702 Dude.
- 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,036 Not working on the ladder?
- 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,164 But the Japanese won't let us use theirs.
- 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,374 Kenny didn't have the ticket. It was in his room.
- 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,626 So we got all our candy, and you can all go home.
- 00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:29,627 Wait.
- 00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:32,922 Are you saying you only wanted to build a ladder to heaven
- 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:35,383 so you could get some candy?
- 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:37,886 I've never heard the words "only" and "candy"
- 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,095 in the same sentence before.
- 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,555 But what about your lost friend?
- 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,056 What about your fragile innocence
- 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,892 and believing we could all get to heaven?
- 00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,310 Well, people make us kids believe
- 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,937 that heaven is this white place with fluffy clouds and angels.
- 00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:50,732 But now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to.
- 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,525 Maybe heaven is just an idea,
- 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,944 a frame of mind, or -- or something gay like that.
- 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:58,281 Maybe heaven is this moment right now.
- 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:02,327 So you're saying we should bomb this moment right now?
- 00:20:02,452 --> 00:20:03,661 Right. Johnson! - Sir!
- 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:06,122 No. No. We shouldn't bomb anybody.
- 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:07,415 These boys are right.
- 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,501 The only heaven we can hope for is one here on earth -- now.
- 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:12,921 We should stop waiting to get into heaven
- 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:14,881 and start trying to create it.
- 00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,424 Aw! - Aw!
- 00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:22,347 And I was dumb enough to believe
- 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,016 Saddam could actually be up there building bombs.
- 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,267 ♪ Where were you ♪
- 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:29,729 ♪ When they decided heaven was a more intangible idea ♪
- 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:33,107 ♪ And couldn't -- you couldn't really get there? ♪
- 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,818 You little bastards ruined my latest song!
- 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:38,696 Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with.
- 00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:39,906 Let's go count our candy.
- 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:41,199 Yeah. But what about Kenny?
- 00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:42,659 His soul is still in Cartman's body.
- 00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,452 No, no. I just drank his memories.
- 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,621 I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap.
- 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,207 Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!
- 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:50,667 Oh, Jesus Christ.
- 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,502 Whoa. Kenny, you in there? - Stop it!
- 00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,337 Where am I, you guys? Oh, God!
- 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:56,422 Dude, come back here! - Stop him, Kenny!
- 00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:04,597 Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads.
- 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:06,599 Right. Chop-chop. Come on!
- 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:09,269 Saddam, I've been hearing rumors
- 00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,520 that you're secretly building
- 00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:12,689 weapons of mass destruction up here.
- 00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:14,774 Weapons of mass destruction?!
- 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:15,817 No!
- 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,486 This is a chocolate-chip factory. See?
- 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,364 It looks like a chemical-weapons plant.
- 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:22,448 Look, God.
- 00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,826 If I was gonna secretly build a chemical-weapons plant,
- 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,704 I wouldn't make it look like a chemical-weapons plant, would I?
- 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:28,788 I'd make it look like
- 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:31,958 a chocolate-chip factory or something.
- 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,459 All right. Just checking.
- 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:37,714 Stupid asshole.
- 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:12,013 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,889 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,688 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,106 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:25,401 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,194 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
- 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,571 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
- 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,450 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,120 [ Mid-tempo music plays ]
- 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:39,623 Oh! Hello, there, kids. Welcome to Lolly's candy shop.
- 00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:41,459 We're the kids whose names you called on your commercial.
- 00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:42,710 We're here to do the shopping spree.
- 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,045 Oh, that's great!
- 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:46,005 You bet your fat clown ass it is.
- 00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,924 Okay. Well, I'll just need your ticket stub.
- 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:50,968 Ticket stub?
- 00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:52,803 You know -- When you entered the contest,
- 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,555 you got the other half of this ticket.
- 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,973 Oh, shit! who has the ticket stub?
- 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,308 It was such a long time ago!
- 00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:59,226 We don't really need the ticket stub, do we?
- 00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:01,520 Don't need the ticket stub? Are you high?
- 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,314 How else do I know you're the winners?
- 00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,316 Because our names were called on the commercial last night.
- 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:08,486 Sorry, boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree.
- 00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,362 If you find it, you can come back.
- 00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:12,698 But you only have one week to claim the prize.
- 00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:15,451 That's called a ticking clock. Works great in the movies.
- 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,536 [ Bell jingles ]
- 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,914 [ Birds chirping ]
- 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,415 God damn it!
- 00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:23,292 We've got to find that ticket. - Which one of us took it?
- 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,877 It was so long ago. I-I can't remember.
- 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,838 We've got to focus. We've got to focus and remember.
- 00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:30,674 All right! There you go.
- 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,009 Hold on to that ticket stub.
- 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,844 You'll need it to claim your prize.
- 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,763 Sign up for the five-minute shopping spree!
- 00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,848 You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it.
- 00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:40,601 No. I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle.
- 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,394 Okay.
- 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,355 N-No. I don't want that much responsibility.
- 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,190 Here. You hold on to it, Kenny.
- 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,817 Mrph rm.
- 00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:51,112 Kenny!
- 00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:52,530 Aah! - Aah!
- 00:01:52,655 --> 00:01:54,198 [All panting ]
- 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,075 [ Doorbell rings ]
- 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,451 Yes?
- 00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:58,661 Where's Kenny?
- 00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:03,541 Uh, boys... Kenny died last December.
- 00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:05,042 Don't you remember?
- 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:07,503 We know he's dead. We mean where is his body?
- 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,839 His body? But why?
- 00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:11,674 Because he has the goddamn ticket for the --
- 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,384 Look, we just really miss our friend,
- 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:16,095 and, uh, and we need to see his remains for closure.
- 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:18,389 Yeah. Closure. - What the fuck is closure?
- 00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,224 Oh, all right, boys. Come on in.
- 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,352 We haven't seen you boys for so long.
- 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,771 W-We thought you'd forgotten all about him.
- 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,066 Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny.
- 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:32,695 - [ Down-tempo music plays ] - You turned him into a teapot?
- 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,572 No. That's an urn, boys.
- 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:35,823 Kenny's inside it.
- 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,825 Your friends are here to see you, Kenny.
- 00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,452 They miss you an awful lot, like we all do.
- 00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:41,871 [ Sobs ]
- 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,832 T-Thanks for coming by, boys. It -- It means a lot to us.
- 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,501 [ Sobbing ] Oh, now, honey.
- 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,086 [ Both sobbing ]
- 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:54,842 [ Click, whirring ]
- 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:57,636 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,479 [ Imitates beeping ]
- 00:03:07,605 --> 00:03:08,564 Did you get it? - Hold on.
- 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:11,108 I'm checking for robot guards. [ Imitates beeping ]
- 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,818 There's not gonna be any robot guards, retard.
- 00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,403 Just get Kenny.
- 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,948 [ Grunts ] You guys piss me off.
- 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:21,493 [ Beeping ]
- 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,205 All right! We made it.
- 00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:26,040 Kenny better have the ticket stub with him in there.
- 00:03:26,165 --> 00:03:27,666 Let him out, Cartman.
- 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,921 Kenny?
- 00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:33,088 Kenny? - Is he in there?
- 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:34,340 I can't see.
- 00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:37,134 [All coughing ]
- 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,470 What the hell is this, chocolate-milk mix?
- 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:41,222 I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that teapot.
- 00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:42,264 It was a trick!
- 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,558 God damn it! This isn't even good chocolate-milk mix!
- 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,477 Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now.
- 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:47,519 We were dumb enough to believe
- 00:03:47,645 --> 00:03:48,854 Kenny's body could be in a teapot.
- 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,606 Why would they play such a cruel joke on us?
- 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,690 Because they're poor, Kyle!
- 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,067 Poor people don't have anything better to do
- 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:54,068 than piss other people off.
- 00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,278 Don't you watch "Springer"? - We just have to face it.
- 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,321 We're not gonna get Kenny back,
- 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:58,113 and we're not gonna have our shopping spree.
- 00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,740 It's over. - God damn it!
- 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,492 There has to be a way!
- 00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:02,868 Hmm.
- 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,001 [ Slurps ]
- 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,836 Hmm. Not bad.
- 00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:24,723 [ Heart beating ]
- 00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:28,686 Hurry up, Kenny. You're gonna be late for school!
- 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,437 Aah!
- 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,231 I don't think that chocolate-milk mix
- 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,482 agreed with my stomach.
- 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,317 [ Farts, grunts ]
- 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,027 Cartman, come on! - What?! What?!
- 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:39,071 Jesus, you butt-holes! It's 6:00 in the morning!
- 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,615 Kyle figured out a way to get our ticket stub back from Kenny!
- 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:42,658 How?
- 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:43,826 A ladder to heaven.
- 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,119 We build it, climb up,
- 00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:47,997 and get our winning ticket back from that asshole Kenny.
- 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,837 Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse,
- 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,380 you should start with the floor.
- 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:57,339 We're not building a clubhouse.
- 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:58,549 We're building a ladder to heaven.
- 00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,968 A ladder to heaven? Why, son?
- 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:02,636 Because we want to see Kenny again.
- 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,221 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:07,391 Oh. Oh, that's so sweet.
- 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:09,560 That's the s-saddest thing I've ever heard.
- 00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:11,395 Hey, Randy, can I borrow your, uh...
- 00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,605 What the hell are they doing?
- 00:05:13,731 --> 00:05:15,858 The boys want to see their dead friend Kenny again, Jimbo,
- 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,610 so they're... building a ladder to heaven.
- 00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:19,903 Aw.
- 00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:21,989 Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes enough.
- 00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:23,282 No. It's all right, Sheila.
- 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,700 The boys were just...
- 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,411 building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend Kenny.
- 00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,455 A ladder to -- Oh.
- 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,497 Oh, gosh.
- 00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:32,374 Oh, that's so touching.
- 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,210 [All sobbing ]
- 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,590 Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
- 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:40,716 where last December,
- 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,802 8-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness.
- 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:46,138 But now that little boy's three closest friends
- 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:47,765 miss their friend so much
- 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:51,602 that they are building a ladder to heaven in order to...
- 00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:54,938 a-a ladder to heaven in order to try to see him again.
- 00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:57,274 It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom.
- 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,109 Here's what some people had to say.
- 00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,944 Well, our son just said to us
- 00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:04,573 that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and...
- 00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,451 ...and that he thought it would work if he...
- 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,411 [ Voice breaking ] ...built a ladder to heaven.
- 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,954 They just believe in their little hearts
- 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:11,955 that it will work.
- 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:14,166 We can't tell them it won't. We just can't!
- 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,086 It shows how beautiful the innocence of a child really is.
- 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:19,004 [ Sobs ]
- 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,589 [ Sobbing ]
- 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,674 [ Sobbing ]
- 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,802 A ladder to heaven? That's fucking stupid.
- 00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:27,846 These boys symbolize how we all feel about loss.
- 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,932 Who are we to tell them it's impossible?
- 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,893 Tom, people from all over the... Sorry.
- 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:35,646 People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder,
- 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,190 feeling a connection to its symbolism and beauty.
- 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,609 Even country singer Alan Jackson has shown up
- 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,070 with a song he has written about the ladder.
- 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,155 Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song
- 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,032 "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)"
- 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,951 about the tragedies on September 11th.
- 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:52,162 And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions.
- 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,664 Let's listen in.
- 00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:58,669 ♪ Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven? ♪
- 00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:01,630 ♪ Did it make you feel like cryin' ♪
- 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,550 ♪ Or did you think it was kinda gay? ♪
- 00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:06,009 What a beautiful song.
- 00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:10,889 ♪ Well, I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven ♪
- 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,184 ♪ Mm, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,478 ♪ 9/11 ♪
- 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,814 [All sobbing ] ♪ I said 9/11 ♪
- 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:22,192 ♪ 9/11, 9/11 ♪
- 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:26,196 ♪ 9, 9, 9 ♪
- 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,490 ♪ 11 ♪
- 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,493 [ Crowd sobbing ]
- 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,078 Thank you! I have a new CD out
- 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,706 with all my 9/11 songs for sale right here.
- 00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:38,750 [ Crowd shouting ]
- 00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:43,464 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:44,923 [ Grunting ]
- 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,717 Oh, good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.
- 00:07:46,842 --> 00:07:48,886 I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car.
- 00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:50,721 Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
- 00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:51,972 No.
- 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:52,973 [ Grunts ]
- 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,391 [ Moans ]
- 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:57,728 [ Echoing ] Hurry up, Kenny. You're gonna be late for school!
- 00:07:57,853 --> 00:08:02,608 Kenny, do you by chance know what happened to my <i>Playboys?</i>
- 00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,526 Kenny, answer me!
- 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,195 Cartman? Cartman!
- 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,196 W-What? What?
- 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:08,780 Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
- 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:09,740 I don't know.
- 00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,242 It's like my brain just keeps... jacking off.
- 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,077 Maybe you've got brain cancer. - You think?!
- 00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:15,454 Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman.
- 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:16,872 You're gonna fall off and break it.
- 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,000 [ Theme music plays ]
- 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:23,253 <i>The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in Colorado</i>
- 00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:24,713 <i>who are building a ladder to heaven</i>
- 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,340 <i>to be with their dead friend.</i>
- 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:29,426 <i>It's making Americans start to believe in heaven again.</i>
- 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,845 When I see how this ladder has brought people together,
- 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,722 how -- how it has changed America,
- 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,307 I mean, how can I not believe?
- 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,643 Do you actually believe in the ladder to heaven?
- 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:41,605 If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis.
- 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,357 And the pearly gates are the --
- 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:46,401 Pshhhht!
- 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,654 <i>Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont--</i>
- 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,697 <i>Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.</i>
- 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:51,949 <i>We are getting reports now</i>
- 00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:54,409 <i>that Japan is building their own ladder to heaven</i>
- 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,078 <i>to compete with the U.S.'s.</i>
- 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,081 <i>Let's go live to SNN correspondent Nobu Hirosahsubua.</i>
- 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:03,460 <i>This is Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting live from Tokyo,</i>
- 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:07,339 <i>where Japan has started building its own ladder to heaven.</i>
- 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:10,759 <i>Already the Japanese ladder extend far into space</i>
- 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,054 <i>and is growing by 1,000 miles every day.</i>
- 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:16,765 <i>As the endeavor continues, it is becoming clear</i>
- 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,519 that Japan will reach heaven before the United States.
- 00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:22,229 <i>Pbht!</i>
- 00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,773 [ Chanting ] ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪
- 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,526 ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪ - Uh, excuse me.
- 00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,695 ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪ - Excuse me!
- 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:32,698 ♪ Fah-hu-ra-ha ♪ - Uh, we ran out of stuff.
- 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,952 We ran out of stuff to build the ladder with.
- 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,161 Oh, no.
- 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:39,663 Oh, Jesus, no.
- 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,165 ♪ Where were you when they ran out of stuff ♪
- 00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:45,043 ♪ To build the ladder to heaven? ♪
- 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,004 We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down houses
- 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:48,505 for wood. - No!
- 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,008 Uh, look, I think maybe this has gone far enough.
- 00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:52,009 Yeah.
- 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,011 I-It's time we told the boys the truth --
- 00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,971 that they aren't really going to get to heaven.
- 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,806 Wait! Look!
- 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,642 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,020 We've come to help you beat those Japs, boys.
- 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:04,396 There won't be anyone stopping
- 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,481 this great ladder from being built today!
- 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,359 [All cheering ]
- 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,486 Alpha team, get that support structure up!
- 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,822 Surveillance team, get us photos and recon!
- 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,157 [All ] Yes, sir!
- 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,283 ♪ Where were you ♪
- 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:19,953 ♪ When they saved that ladder to heaven? ♪
- 00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,079 Man, I can't believe how much
- 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:22,623 people want us to get our ticket back.
- 00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,459 Candy shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle.
- 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:30,714 [ Hammer pounding ]
- 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,508 [ Creaking ]
- 00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:36,261 You see anything?
- 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,429 No.
- 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,474 Hello? Kenny?
- 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,435 God?
- 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,645 Grandma?
- 00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,064 [ Grunting ]
- 00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,816 Oh, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet.
- 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,193 No cloud city. Not even the giant.
- 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,819 Heaven must still be a long way off.
- 00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:54,780 All right. Look. I didn't want to have to say this.
- 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,573 But I think maybe we're not seeing heaven
- 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,742 because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
- 00:10:58,867 --> 00:10:59,451 Huh?
- 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,828 Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubble Yum forest.
- 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,872 You only see them if you really believe in them.
- 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:04,873 What? - You know.
- 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:08,835 Maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
- 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,047 What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?!
- 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,590 Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
- 00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,550 Yes, we do! Just not the Christian heaven!
- 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:16,176 Right!
- 00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,595 Your idea of heaven is getting $5 off your matzo ball soup
- 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,514 at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
- 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:21,431 Aah!
- 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:22,641 [ Grunts ]
- 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:25,602 Hey, Kenny. - Hey, Kenny.
- 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,062 Mrph rmhmhm rm.
- 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,980 ♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto ♪
- 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:30,774 ♪ He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride ♪
- 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:32,275 ♪ 'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside ♪
- 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:34,444 ♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto ♪
- 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,071 Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rm!
- 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,072 What did you say?!
- 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,949 Mrph mrph rm rmhmhm rm mrph rm!
- 00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:40,242 What did you say?!
- 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,328 I said, "Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!"
- 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,624 Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
- 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,209 Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
- 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:50,252 I don't know. I just --
- 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,920 I keep feeling like I'm Kenny,
- 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,922 seeing memories through his eyes.
- 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,757 You're too fat to be Kenny.
- 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:58,802 You're a...stupid Jew. - Let's just keep building.
- 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,887 We only have five more days until the shopping spree.
- 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:02,764 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,349 All right. How's the ladder going, General?
- 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:05,642 Are we beating the Japanese?
- 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:08,395 Not quite. But we have a new problem, Mr. President.
- 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,231 Our recon team on the ladder just found new evidence
- 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,734 of threats from Saddam Hussein.
- 00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:16,570 Saddam Hussein? But...we killed him!
- 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,321 We secretly took him out months ago.
- 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:21,116 Yes, sir, and now we believe that he's building weapons
- 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,453 of mass destruction...in heaven.
- 00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:27,080 Dear Christ. That son of a bitch just doesn't stop.
- 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,374 These surveillance photos were taken atop the ladder
- 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,126 of what appears to be heaven.
- 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,754 Here we see what we believe to be a missile silo.
- 00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:36,590 And here we see what looks like a laboratory of some sort
- 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:38,133 for making chemical weapons.
- 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,802 That kind of looks like a sea gull.
- 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,972 Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a sea gull.
- 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,557 That tricky bastard.
- 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,850 Sir, you must understand our fears.
- 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,477 We must take out those facilities.
- 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,730 We must...bomb heaven.
- 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,648 SNN question of the day --
- 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,151 Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we bomb it?
- 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,612 The polls right now show that 51% of Americans
- 00:12:58,737 --> 00:12:59,946 think Saddam has to be dealt with,
- 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,407 while 49% are wimpy, tree-hugging pussies.
- 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,159 War is not <i>my</i> voice.
- 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,579 This country's run by rednecks and bumpkins with their guns!
- 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:10,665 We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves.
- 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,792 I, for one, believe
- 00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,794 that if Saddam Hussein were an 8-year-old boy
- 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:17,422 and my penis were the United States, then there would...
- 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:18,632 Hard nipples!
- 00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,258 God damn it.
- 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,927 Pshhhht!
- 00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,722 Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys
- 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,432 set out to build a ladder to heaven
- 00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,392 and captured the nation's hearts.
- 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:32,354 They've made a nation believe heaven might be up there --
- 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,190 and it could prove to be a threat to our country.
- 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,443 President Bush will seek U.N. approval for military action.
- 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,446 Boys, it's really neat
- 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:45,200 that you want to see your old pal Kenny so much, but...
- 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,702 But it's time for you to get back to school
- 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:48,912 and on with your lives.
- 00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,163 No. We have to see Kenny.
- 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:51,540 You have to understand
- 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,542 that Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds.
- 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:55,043 He was cremated.
- 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,127 Cremated? What's that?
- 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,839 When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven
- 00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:01,007 and cooked until you're nothing but ashes.
- 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:03,552 What?! For God's sakes, why?!
- 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,346 It's just what some people do. - Are you gonna burn me?
- 00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,014 Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
- 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,182 Jesus Christ!
- 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,268 A person's ashes are put into an urn,
- 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:13,103 and that's where Kenny's body is.
- 00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,897 You see, boys, Kenny is in here.
- 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,608 What the...
- 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:22,112 W-Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!
- 00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:23,363 All right. All right.
- 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,865 I drank the chocolate-milk mix
- 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,825 and replaced it with kitty litter.
- 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:27,826 You what?!
- 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,494 Dude, don't you know what this means?
- 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,413 You drank Kenny!
- 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,497 Shut up.
- 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:35,166 You did, dude. You drank his whole body!
- 00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,543 Shut up.
- 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,462 [ Sobbing ] Oh, my God! This is awful!
- 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,381 And disgusting.
- 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,426 Bad, Eric. Bad.
- 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:46,303 That explains it --
- 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,221 why I'm having Kenny's memories all the time.
- 00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,890 His soul is inside me!
- 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,224 So much for our winning ticket.
- 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:53,018 Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny.
- 00:14:53,143 --> 00:14:54,477 Yeah. Good job, fat-ass.
- 00:14:54,603 --> 00:14:55,979 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,272 I can't live like this.
- 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,565 I-I have to find a place
- 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,109 where they remove living souls from your body.
- 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,989 Looks like I've come to the right place.
- 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,866 Can I help you? - Yes. Hello.
- 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,659 I have a living thing inside of me
- 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:11,161 that I need sucked out, please.
- 00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:12,829 You'll have to make an appointment.
- 00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:14,706 The charge is $230.
- 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:15,832 $230?!
- 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,417 I just want you to vacuum him out of me,
- 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,044 not put him up in a condominium!
- 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,171 [ Sobs ] It's gonna be okay, babe.
- 00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,256 Listen, lady! You got to get this crap out of me!
- 00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:24,257 I don't want him in me anymore!
- 00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,468 Just suck him up and throw him out!
- 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,762 Oh, Steven, I can't go through with this.
- 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,931 I have to keep it! [ Sobs ]
- 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:33,224 Damn it! Damn it!
- 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,061 Thanks a lot, kid!
- 00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,354 [ Grunts ]
- 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,399 [ Echoing ] Kenny...Kenny...Kenny...
- 00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:44,069 Kenny, Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping spree!
- 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:46,154 We're all gonna pitch in on an entry...entry...
- 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,572 All right! There you go.
- 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,908 Hold on to that ticket stub... ticket stub...ticket stub...
- 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,243 Hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it...lose it...
- 00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,578 No. I'll lose it for sure.
- 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,830 You keep track of it, Kyle... of it, Kyle...of it, Kyle.
- 00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:56,873 Okay. No.
- 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,750 I don't want that much responsibility...sibility...
- 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,293 Here. You hold on to it, Kenny...Kenny...
- 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:01,836 Mrph rm! Mrph rm...mrph rm...
- 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,422 You better not lose that ticket, Kenny,
- 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,091 or else I'll kick you in the nuts!
- 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,009 The nuts...the nuts....
- 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,978 The ticket!
- 00:16:18,103 --> 00:16:19,562 Kenny didn't have it on him when he died!
- 00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:21,439 He put it away somewhere! Don't you see?!
- 00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,733 I can still have my candy shopping spree!
- 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,402 Oh, my God! You guys!
- 00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:27,362 You guys!
- 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:30,198 Ladies and gentlemen of the U.N.,
- 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,575 we have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there
- 00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:34,911 building weapons of mass destruction.
- 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,747 We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic
- 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,417 to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven,
- 00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:43,378 but he has not responded.
- 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,090 Of course he has not responded, because he's dead!
- 00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,217 Right. Dead and in heaven.
- 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:50,218 This is preposterous!
- 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,303 Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think
- 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:53,972 Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?
- 00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,808 Our intelligence tells us when Saddam was originally killed,
- 00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,768 his soul actually went to hell.
- 00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,479 But while in hell, he began a homosexual relationship
- 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,231 with Satan, the prince of darkness.
- 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,357 Satan, however, decided
- 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,817 he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore
- 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:07,610 and broke up with him around August.
- 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:08,987 When Saddam became jealous
- 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,322 and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris,
- 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,991 Satan had Saddam sent to heaven
- 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,952 to live with Mormons as a punishment.
- 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,540 Questions?
- 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,376 Yes?
- 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:26,629 Are you high or just incredibly stupid?
- 00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:30,341 I assure you I am not high.
- 00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,553 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,638 You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket!
- 00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:36,806 What do you mean, fat-ass?
- 00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,349 I just had another vision, you butt-holes.
- 00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:39,684 Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him.
- 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:40,977 He put it away somewhere!
- 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,145 Where?! - I don't know.
- 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,230 I got conked in the head down at the abortion clinic,
- 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,815 and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,067 in a little red box.
- 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,735 I just have to wait for another vision to come.
- 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,987 I could clearly see through Kenny's -- Ahh!
- 00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,491 [ Hammer pounding, indistinct conversations in distance ]
- 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,827 You see anything?
- 00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,162 Yes, Kyle.
- 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,288 I see a dead Jew!
- 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,539 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Maybe Kyle's right.
- 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:02,999 We got to spark the vision somehow.
- 00:18:03,124 --> 00:18:04,667 Not by giving me brain damage!
- 00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:07,879 Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?
- 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,049 All right. Go ahead.
- 00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:12,342 [ Grunts ]
- 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:13,343 No.
- 00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:14,469 [ Grunts ]
- 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,263 Randy, Gerald, we -- we were wrong about heaven!
- 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,682 The Japanese just reached it with their ladder!
- 00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:21,101 What?
- 00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:22,477 See for yourself.
- 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:27,190 This is Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting live from heaven.
- 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,901 The great nation of Japan reached heaven today
- 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:32,028 about 8:00 Pacific Standard Time.
- 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,738 - Aah! - [ Thud ]
- 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:36,533 Therefore, heaven is now declared
- 00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,702 an official part of Japan because we got here first.
- 00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,830 And now for the weather in heaven,
- 00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:43,498 let's go to Natsako Sen.
- 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:47,293 Today weather in heaven -- partly cloudy.
- 00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:49,963 That's the news from heaven.
- 00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,132 [ Thud, clattering ]
- 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:55,009 Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!
- 00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:58,138 Oh, God. And we told our boys they'd never reach heaven.
- 00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,347 Kids!
- 00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,517 [ Dramatic music plays ]
- 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:03,560 Good.
- 00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:04,978 As soon as the boys finish their ladder,
- 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,855 we'll be ready to take Saddam out.
- 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:09,107 Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy?
- 00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:12,235 If Saddam is building weapons, we have to stop him --
- 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,611 with our weapons.
- 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:14,988 Uh, excuse me, everyone.
- 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,656 We're not working on the ladder anymore.
- 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,074 Thank you. We're done.
- 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:20,702 Dude.
- 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,036 Not working on the ladder?
- 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,164 But the Japanese won't let us use theirs.
- 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,374 Kenny didn't have the ticket. It was in his room.
- 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,626 So we got all our candy, and you can all go home.
- 00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:29,627 Wait.
- 00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:32,922 Are you saying you only wanted to build a ladder to heaven
- 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:35,383 so you could get some candy?
- 00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:37,886 I've never heard the words "only" and "candy"
- 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,095 in the same sentence before.
- 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,555 But what about your lost friend?
- 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,056 What about your fragile innocence
- 00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,892 and believing we could all get to heaven?
- 00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,310 Well, people make us kids believe
- 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,937 that heaven is this white place with fluffy clouds and angels.
- 00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:50,732 But now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to.
- 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,525 Maybe heaven is just an idea,
- 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,944 a frame of mind, or -- or something gay like that.
- 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:58,281 Maybe heaven is this moment right now.
- 00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:02,327 So you're saying we should bomb this moment right now?
- 00:20:02,452 --> 00:20:03,661 Right. Johnson! - Sir!
- 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:06,122 No. No. We shouldn't bomb anybody.
- 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:07,415 These boys are right.
- 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,501 The only heaven we can hope for is one here on earth -- now.
- 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:12,921 We should stop waiting to get into heaven
- 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:14,881 and start trying to create it.
- 00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,424 Aw! - Aw!
- 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,259 [ Crowd murmuring ]
- 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,803 [All sobbing ]
- 00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:22,347 And I was dumb enough to believe
- 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,016 Saddam could actually be up there building bombs.
- 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,267 ♪ Where were you ♪
- 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:29,729 ♪ When they decided heaven was a more intangible idea ♪
- 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:33,107 ♪ And couldn't -- you couldn't really get there? ♪
- 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,818 You little bastards ruined my latest song!
- 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:36,986 [ Off-key chord plays ]
- 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:38,696 Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with.
- 00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:39,906 Let's go count our candy.
- 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:41,199 Yeah. But what about Kenny?
- 00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:42,659 His soul is still in Cartman's body.
- 00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:44,452 No, no. I just drank his memories.
- 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,621 I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap.
- 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,207 Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!
- 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:50,667 Oh, Jesus Christ.
- 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,502 Whoa. Kenny, you in there? - Stop it!
- 00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,337 Where am I, you guys? Oh, God!
- 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:56,422 Dude, come back here! - Stop him, Kenny!
- 00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:59,634 [ Down-tempo music plays ]
- 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,928 [ Machinery whirring ]
- 00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:04,597 Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads.
- 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:06,599 Right. Chop-chop. Come on!
- 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:09,269 [ God ] Saddam, I've been hearing rumors
- 00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,520 that you're secretly building
- 00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:12,689 weapons of mass destruction up here.
- 00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:14,774 Weapons of mass destruction?!
- 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:15,817 No!
- 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,486 This is a chocolate-chip factory. See?
- 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,364 [ God ] It looks like a chemical-weapons plant.
- 00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:22,448 Look, God.
- 00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,826 If I was gonna secretly build a chemical-weapons plant,
- 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,704 I wouldn't make it look like a chemical-weapons plant, would I?
- 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:28,788 I'd make it look like
- 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:31,958 a chocolate-chip factory or something.
- 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,459 [ God ] All right. Just checking.
- 00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:35,295 [ Whirring ]
- 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:37,714 Stupid asshole.
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