Загрузка
00:00
/
22:78
Отец Макси отправляется в Ватикан, чтобы обсудить проблему растления несовершеннолетних католическими священниками. Взрослые жители Южного Парка становятся атеистами. Картман учится испражняться ртом.

Пылкая католическая любовь

Red Hot Catholic Love
Сезон: 06Серия: 08

Описание

Отец Макси отправляется в Ватикан, чтобы обсудить проблему растления несовершеннолетних католическими священниками. Взрослые жители Южного Парка становятся атеистами. Картман учится испражняться ртом.

Субтитры

eng__.srt

eng__.srt

00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,725

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,602

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,187

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,148

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:25,317

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,111

♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,071

♪ Timmy, Timmy,

liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪

00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:33,325

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,371

Parents, it's that

time of year again

00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,290

when the bishops and priests

from around the country

00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:42,126

are organizing the Young Men's

Catholic Retreat.

00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:45,087

This year, we're taking the boys

on a weekend boat trip

00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,591

to discuss Jesus' role

as the navigator of our lives.

00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:49,592

That sounds pretty fun.

00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,053

A Catholic boat trip?

00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:01,353

♪ The Catholic Boat ♪

00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:06,108

♪ Is gonna be heading on out

today ♪

00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,403

♪ The Catholic Boat ♪

00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:14,116

♪ Time to throw

all of your cares away ♪

00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,286

♪ Get some hot Christian action

that'll take you -- ♪

00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,794

Uh...

00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,921

Excuse me.

00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,007

Look, I just don't think

it's the best idea

00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,593

to let our boys go on

a cruise with the priest.

00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,470

We can't let them go, can we?

00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,097

There's no way my son's going.

00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:38,682

What are they talking about?

- I don't know.

00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,017

Maybe they want to kill us!

00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,894

With everything that's

been in the news,

00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,688

I think it's best we keep our

kids far away from the priests.

00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,732

Now, come on, everybody.

Just because a few priests

00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,484

in the country

have been corrupt,

00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,277

it doesn't mean that all priests

are child molesters.

00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,822

Well, sure, that's easy for you

to say -- Your son's dead.

00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,824

But those of us

with alive children

00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,201

need to be sure that Father Maxi

is on the up-and-up.

00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,411

I've heard about other towns

bringing in counselors

00:01:59,537 --> 00:02:01,247

that know how to find

things out from kids

00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:02,915

without really telling them

what's going on.

00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,250

It couldn't hurt.

00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:06,919

Shh! Shh!

Here he comes. Here he comes.

00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,842

Uh, goodbye, everyone.

00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,718

Bye!

00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:18,848

All right, then it's settled.

00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,266

Tomorrow we'll find

an outside counselor

00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,726

and find out the truth.

00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,313

Hi, boys.

My name is Mrs. Gorache,

00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,023

and I need to ask you

a few questions

00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,692

about your priest, okay?

00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,610

Okay.

- Okay.

00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:35,489

Would you say that Father Maxi

is nice or mean?

00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,283

Fine. Nice.

- Cool.

00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,951

Okay, what words would you use

00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,995

to describe

your church's priest?

00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,789

Compassionate.

00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:47,710

Okay, and did Father Maxi,

at any time,

00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,839

ever try to put something

in your butt?

00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,468

I-In our butt?

00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,095

You don't need to be ashamed

or embarrassed.

00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,515

Just did he ever try to put

anything in your butt?

00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,603

Like money? What?

00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,021

You mean like a goldfish?

00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,565

No, no, did he ever

try to put anything

00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,318

that belonged to him

in your butt?

00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:14,195

No.

00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,531

This is ridiculous --

having to sit out here

00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,367

waiting to find out

if our priest molested our kids.

00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:23,037

Yeah, what has Catholicism

come to, anyway?

00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:25,164

You know, I think we've just

had it with the Church.

00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,416

All the horrible things

they've done to kids.

00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,418

I think I'm gonna

become an atheist.

00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,545

That's a good idea.

I'm gonna be an atheist, too.

00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:32,880

Let's all be atheists.

00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,798

Yeah!

- If there was a God,

00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:37,551

why would he let our kids be

molested in the first place?

00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,803

Yeah, let's kill God.

Yeah!

00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,097

Well, let's --

let's just be atheists.

00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,933

Same thing.

00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,100

Yeah!

00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,108

What would the priest...

00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,569

possibly want to put

in our butts?

00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,782

Maybe -- No.

00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:00,950

Hey, dudes.

- Hey.

00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,284

Aah!

- What are you guys doing?

00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,994

We had to go meet

with this counselor lady,

00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,162

and she asked us if the priest

00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,331

ever put anything in our butts.

00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,666

In your butts?

00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:10,125

Yeah, isn't that

the damnedest thing?

00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,835

Why would he put anything

in your butts?

00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:13,712

We don't know. That's what

we're trying to figure out.

00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,674

Hmm.

- Hmm.

00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,051

Hello, there, children.

00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:22,221

Chef! What would a priest

want to stick up my butt?

00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:23,722

Goodbye.

00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,642

Ohh!

Nobody's going to tell us!

00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,477

This is gonna drive me insane!

- Calm down, Tweek.

00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,187

There has

to be a rational explanation.

00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,230

Oh, dude, I think

I might have it.

00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,731

What?

- It makes perfect sense.

00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,233

Okay, run with me on this.

00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,902

If you eat food, you crap

out your butt, right?

00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,612

Yeah.

- All right.

00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,447

Now, keep with me here.

It gets a little complicated.

00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,658

If you eat food

and crap out your butt,

00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,494

then maybe if you

stuck food in your butt,

00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,705

you would crap out your mouth.

00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:50,791

Hmm?

00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,501

Cartman, that's the dumbest

thing you've ever said...

00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,295

this week.

- Why? That's not dumb!

00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,255

Think about it! Food goes in

the mouth, comes out the butt.

00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,923

Food goes in the butt,

comes out the mouth.

00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,216

That's not dumb,

that's genius.

00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,218

It wouldn't work!

- Have you ever tried it?

00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,553

I don't need to.

It wouldn't work!

00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,013

I'll bet you 20 bucks

it'll work!

00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,015

You're on, fat boy!

- Okay, let's go, Jew!

00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,435

Down with God!

00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,104

Stan, you're an atheist now!

- You too, Tweek.

00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,606

Let's be atheists!

00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,108

I'm a what?

00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,110

Fathers, I want to thank you

all for coming.

00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,029

No, thank you

for finally organizing

00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,905

an all-priest meeting,

Father Maxi.

00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,575

I think we all agree something

has to be done quickly.

00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,452

Hear, hear!

- It certainly does!

00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,203

Well, I don't know how it's been

for all of you,

00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,290

but attendance at my church

in Fort Rollins is down 63%.

00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,042

I'm down almost 70%

in Greenleaf.

00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,711

Yes, I'm afraid if things

keep going the way they are,

00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,504

we could lose

our entire religion!

00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,424

Yes! We've got to stop these

boys from going to the public!

00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,259

They've got to know

to keep their mouths shut.

00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,552

That's right!

- Yep!

00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,013

Right. And so --

W-Wait a minute. What?

00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,182

Yes, but we've got to find out

why these children

00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,683

are suddenly

finding it necessary

00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,393

to report that they're

being molested.

00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,937

Stop the problem at its source.

- Yes, but how?

00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,481

Yeah!

- I don't know what...

00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,232

Whoa, whoa!

Hold on a second.

00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,360

The problem is that

children are being molested,

00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,362

not that they're reporting it!

00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,158

How do you mean?

00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,952

Well, I mean, obviously

what we need to put a stop to

00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,412

is all the sexual misconduct

00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,498

that is allowed to take place

in our churches,

00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,500

not just tell the children

not to tell anybody about it.

00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,335

I mean, right?

00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,670

Well, did any of the children

you've molested come forward?

00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,130

No!

- That's good.

00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,590

No, I mean, I never molested

00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,300

any of the children

in my church!

00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,885

It's okay, Father Maxi.

00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,179

We're all priests here.

The doors are closed.

00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264

For the love of God!

00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,849

Are you all saying

that you have engaged

00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,435

in inappropriate relations

with your altar boys?

00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,605

We are here to bring the light

of God, not harm the innocent!

00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,945

I'm serious!

00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,364

Father, having sex with boys

00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,574

is part of the Catholic

priest's way of life.

00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:48,700

Yeah!

00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,620

Dear God.

00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,330

This problem is much more severe

00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,207

than I could have

possibly imagined.

00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,836

I have to go to the Vatican

and get help!

00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,134

Well, Cartman?

- Hold on!

00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,802

God, let a man crap!

00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:12,057

What's going on?

- Cartman shoved food up his ass.

00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,350

And now he's trying

to crap out his mouth.

00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:14,351

Oh.

00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,689

Well, go on, smart ass,

and do it!

00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275

I'm doing it a'eady!

God, give me a minute!

00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,193

You've had five, dude.

- I can't --

00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,487

I can't do it with you guys

watching. Turn around.

00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,822

No, because you'll

just crap out your butt

00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,657

and then say it

came out your mouth!

00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,326

Do you really think

I'd be that deceitful, you guys?

00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,581

Oh, God damn it, you guys,

I'm so seriously...

00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:42,671

Ahh!

00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,885

Get the fuck out of here.

00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:50,429

Yes!

Yes, I did it!

00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,139

I crapped out my mouth!

00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:54,224

♪ I crapped out my mouth ♪

00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,768

You owe me 20 bucks, dick face!

00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:02,774

Well, there you go.

Uh...grazie.

00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:06,153

Wow.

I'm actually here.

00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,780

Vatican City!

00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,954

Your Holiness, this is

Father Maxi from America.

00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,165

He has brought this all

to our attention.

00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,833

Your Holiness.

00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,048

Adoramus te, Christe.

00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,343

Et dominus vivo.

00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,012

Cardinals, bishops, and priests,

00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,389

an American priest

by the name of Maxi

00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,684

has brought to our attention

the most troubling of news.

00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,478

All over his country,

there are reports

00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,773

of children being molested

by men of the Church.

00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,816

If things continue this way,

00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,861

we'll never be able to have

sex with young boys again!

00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,240

That's right.

Wait -- What?!

00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,909

In France, as well, we are

finding it harder and harder

00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,619

to make love to our boys.

00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,996

In Morocco, they have

arrested five of my priests.

00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,666

It's only a matter of time

before they get the rest of us.

00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,961

Father Maxi, what do you suggest

we do to not get caught?

00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,546

Not get caught?! No!

00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,549

I think what we should do

is not have sex with boys!

00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,344

It is not written anywhere

00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,137

in the Holy Document

of Vatican Law

00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,098

that sex with the boys is wrong.

00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,516

Well, maybe we need to change

00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,393

the Holy Document

of Vatican Law.

00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:24,314

Speaking on behalf

of the British Catholics,

00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,275

it is obvious that the priest

doesn't realize

00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,611

that the Holy Document of

Vatican Law cannot be changed!

00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,863

Yeah!

- He's right!

00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,826

Yes, and speaking on behalf

of the Gelgamek Catholics,

00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,035

I believe we should move on

00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,121

to other solutions

to this problem!

00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,415

Yeah!

00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,917

Gelgameks?

00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,463

Kyle, could you help me out?

00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,007

I need some advice.

00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,426

What?

- It's just that...

00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,304

I can't decide what to buy

with your $20!

00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,556

I was thinking of getting

this Mega-Man racer for $19.95,

00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,850

or I could get two Broncos'

trading packs for $10 apiece.

00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,685

And then I thought --

00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,860

Oh, boy.

Now that we're atheists,

00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,194

we don't have to pray

for our food.

00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,697

That's right.

Everyone just dig in.

00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:16,408

So, kids, anything fun happen

with your whole Sunday off?

00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,201

Uh, Cartman shoved

his lunch up his ass

00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,286

and crapped out his mouth.

00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,246

Stanley!

- What? He did!

00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,332

No, it doesn't work

that way, son.

00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:24,333

Yeah, it does.

00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,459

No, it doesn't.

00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,878

Yeah. It does.

00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:37,679

Ahh!

00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,975

Honey!

Honey, come quick!

00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:47,898

Look, people...

I'm just trying to say

00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:51,568

that if we don't change the

Holy Document of Vatican Law,

00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,237

then we might lose

everyone to atheism!

00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:57,032

What exactly do you suggest

we change, Father Maxi?

00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,451

Well, for one --

no sex with boys.

00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,122

The Holy Document

of Vatican Law states

00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,583

that a priest, bishop, or

cardinal cannot get married.

00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,502

So where are we to get our sex?

00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:10,504

Well, then, perhaps

we could change

00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:13,215

the Holy Document of Vatican Law

to say that it's okay

00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,758

for a priest

or bishop or cardinal

00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:17,010

to have sex...with women.

00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,222

Women?!

00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,391

The Gelgamek vagina

is 3 feet wide

00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,267

and filled

with razor-sharp teeth.

00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:27,521

Do you really expect us

to have sex with them?!

00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:30,732

O-- Okay,

maybe we just need to forget

00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,609

about the Gelgameks

for a second and focus --

00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,528

Forget about the Gelgameks?!

00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,490

I'm just saying what works

on planet Gelgamek

00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,033

isn't necessarily going to work

00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,618

for the rest of us

here on Earth.

00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,454

You see? That's the problem

we're having here.

00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,999

But the Holy Document of

Vatican Law cannot be changed!

00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,292

Why not?

00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,129

Because we don't know

where it is.

00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,924

You see, Father, the Holy

Document of Vatican Law

00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,759

has been hidden away

deep in the catacombs

00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,553

of St. Peter's below us...

00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,347

hidden away so that it

can never be changed.

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,434

But if we locate it,

we could make changes to it?

00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,310

Ha!

Good luck, Father!

00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,312

The Document is guarded

by water lizards,

00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,064

rattlesnakes, and sand traps.

00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,025

The fools who tried before

to recover it met their death!

00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,737

Well, we have to try.

Our religion is dying!

00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,115

You guys, you guys, look!

- Aah!

00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,242

I went down to the bank,

and I got Kyle's $20 bill

00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,411

turned into 20 single

dollar bills!

00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:25,704

So?

- So?!

00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,039

So now I can do this.

00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,541

Yes!

00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,085

Yes, Kyle's money.

00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,295

Mmm, Kyle's money.

00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,671

Go fuck yourself, Cartman!

00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,174

Oh, it feels so good

on my skin. Mmm.

00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,259

Get up, fat boy!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,469

Geez, Kyle,

don't be a sore loser.

00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,053

It's over, okay?

I won. Let it go.

00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:43,930

So, you crapped out

of your mouth! Good for you!

00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,308

It's still stupid and immature!

- Dude, look!

00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,851

Our top story tonight --

00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,686

The age-old question

has been answered.

00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,230

"If I put food up my ass,

will I crap out my mouth?"

00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,316

All over the country,

people are discovering that,

00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026

yes, in fact, you will!

00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,111

The surgeon general

had this to say...

00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,071

"And the immediate research shows

00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,782

that the act

is not only amusing,

00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,700

but, in fact, much healthier

for our bodies

00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,160

than the old way of eating.

00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,037

You see, food entering

through the anus

00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,122

has the benefit of being broken

down on its way to the stomach

00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,540

rather than afterward.

00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,417

And therefore, I believe

that intero-rectogestion

00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,503

would actually put a stop

to high cholesterol

00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,588

and most kinds

of stomach cancers.

00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,548

And I base that

on absolutely nothing."

00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,592

The surgeon general's response

has made Americans

00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,844

change their eating habits

almost instantly.

00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,262

"That's stupid

and immature, Cartman."

00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,722

It is stupid and immature!

00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,390

So you got people to crap

out of their mouths!

00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,850

What do you want,

a freaking medal?

00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,727

The mayor of South Park

has announced

00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,604

that for first discovering

this healthy way of eating,

00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,065

young citizen Eric Cartman

will be given a freaking medal!

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,483

Aah!

00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,654

Back now with more on

"Martha Stewart Living."

00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,906

In the past few days,

we've all heard of the benefits

00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,659

of intero-rectogestion,

and so making foods

00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,203

that can easily be inserted

into the ass is essential.

00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,704

Now, everyone knows

that some foods

00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:50,956

are simple

to shove up the ass --

00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,541

puddings, soups, raisins.

00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,668

This is a nice

raisin pudding right here.

00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,545

But we can also still eat

our favorite foods.

00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,046

What we're gonna do today

00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,423

is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey

for intero-recto.

00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,634

Now, the key to shoving

a Turkey up your ass

00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,219

is first wrapping it in string,

00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,137

keeping the pointy wings

neatly at the side.

00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,223

Mrs. Stewart,

we have some questions.

00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,268

Not right now. I just want

to focus on my turkey right now.

00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,936

Now, we're going

to baste the turkey

00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,146

with lubricating gel

rather than with juice.

00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,399

This will help smooth

the insertion later on.

00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,402

We still bake at 400 degrees

for 20 minutes a pound.

00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,988

And when it's done,

we'll get something like this.

00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,114

So, now we're ready to go.

00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,740

Looks delicious.

Let's try it out.

00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,413

Ohh!

00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,375

Ohh! Yeah, get it up there.

Yeah.

00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:39,087

Ugh! Yeah!

00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,215

Ugh! Ahh!

00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:45,218

Whew! And that is how

you eat a turkey.

00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:48,263

We'll be right back with more.

00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,816

Prego!

00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,359

Uh, hello.

00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,529

My name is Father Maxi

from the United States.

00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,532

What do you seek, Father?

- I...

00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,285

I'm trying to find

the Holy Document of Vatican Law

00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,537

so that we can make

revisions to it.

00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,874

That gospel lies somewhere

beyond this door.

00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:19,169

But...many trials

await thee inside.

00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,963

Only he whose heart

truly belongs to the Lord

00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,507

shall make it through.

- I have to try!

00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:25,884

Our religion is in trouble,

and --

00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,594

and that scroll

may be our only hope!

00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,638

Then prepare yourself.

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,223

The time of trials begins.

00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:35,060

Adoramus te, Christe!

00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,441

I wish you luck, Father.

00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:45,195

Use all the strength, agility,

and faith that you have.

00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529

Very well.

00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,989

Here we go.

00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,588

Hmm, there's

a ladder up here.

00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,840

Oh, my God,

a rattlesnake!

00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,760

A way back up!

00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,931

I made it!

00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,850

Praise be to God!

He hath shown me the way!

00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,103

This must be it...

00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,605

the Holy Document

of Vatican Law.

00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,486

Well, Sharon and I are having

a great time being atheists.

00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,655

I, for one, can't believe

I used to live my life

00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,491

by what a very old and very

fictional book used to say.

00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,953

Well, it's true. I mean,

what do a bunch of stories

00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,287

about people in robes

slaughtering goats

00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,956

have to do with today's world?

00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,250

Atheism has definitely

made our lives better.

00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,752

I made some quesadillas

if anybody wants some!

00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:43,962

Ooh!

00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,255

And if anybody needs to potty,

00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,423

there's a potty basket

right here.

00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:47,882

Oh, thanks, Sharon.

00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:49,342

You know, for Martha and I,

we're worried

00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,761

we might have a hard time

raising our son atheist.

00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,388

I mean -- Oh, thank you.

00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,181

I mean, it could end up

being very difficult

00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,684

raising an atheist child

in such a Christian society.

00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,894

I feel like everywhere my poor son goes,

00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,106

he's being persecuted

for his beliefs.

00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,567

That's true. If I'm gonna raise

my son to be atheist,

00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,028

I don't want him saying

"under God" every day at school.

00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:09,612

That could really damage him.

00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:12,240

"Under God" should be taken

out of the -- Excuse me.

00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,079

"Under God" should be taken out

of the Pledge of Allegiance.

00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,581

That's right. I agree.

- Yes.

00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,332

And it should be taken

off of money, as well.

00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,126

The religious right

in this country

00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,212

is trying to force our children

to believe what they --

00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,632

Ahh.

00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,260

And we can't let the religious

right corrupt our kids!

00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,928

That's right.

- That's right.

00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:41,186

Cardinals, bishops, and priests,

Father Maxi has returned!

00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,105

And he has the Holy Document

of Vatican Law!

00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,068

How did he make it past

the water lizards?

00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,780

Yes, I have returned with the

Holy Document of Vatican Law,

00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,115

so can we please

change it now

00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,659

to say it's not okay

to have sex with boys?

00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,120

Wait! Wait!

00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,247

The Pope wants to say something!

00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:08,671

The Pope says we shall

ask the highest source!

00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:20,016

Oh, my!

00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,434

The holy one!

00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:25,647

Behold the great Queen Spider!

00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,857

Hail, Queen Spider.

00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,067

Queen Spider?

00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,610

Oh, great Queen Spider,

00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,195

we seek your guidance.

00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,781

What do you ask of me?

00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:38,326

Great Queen Spider, we wish to

change one of the Vatican rules.

00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,829

The Vatican rules

cannot be changed.

00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580

So sayeth the spider.

00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,166

Go on, Priest Maxi,

see if you can convince her.

00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,877

All right, that does it!

I have had enough!

00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:51,422

You people have completely lost

touch with the outside world!

00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:54,134

You sit in this big room

with your Gelgameks

00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,718

and your Queen Spider,

and none of it

00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,887

applies to what being a Catholic

is all about!

00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,473

But the Holy Document of

Vatican Law states that --

00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,268

To hell with the Holy Document

of Vatican Law!

00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,986

You guys, you guys!

00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:14,654

I took Kyle's $20 down

to the bank again,

00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,739

and I got it changed

into quarters!

00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,575

So?

- So now I can dump them

00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,244

into this little pool

and swim in them all day long!

00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,579

Yay!

00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:25,123

Kyle's money.

00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,125

Cartman, there's something

I need to tell you.

00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,710

Ooh, what's that, Kyle?

00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,837

You were totally, 100% right.

00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,672

What?

00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,465

You won the bet.

You were totally accurate

00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,800

about being able

to crap out your mouth,

00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,093

and I've just been frustrated

00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,970

because I didn't

think of it first.

00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,889

I want you to enjoy that money

because you really impressed me

00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:44,142

with your insight, and I'm proud

to have you as a friend.

00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,147

You son of a bitch, Kyle!

00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,648

I hate you!

00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,696

Great news, Stan.

The Vatican is burning down!

00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,239

Score one for us atheists!

00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,366

Come on, Tweek, we're

gonna go watch on TV!

00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:02,744

Burn it down!

00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,748

Gone.

It's all gone.

00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,416

Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi.

00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,169

You've killed our religion.

- No, I didn't!

00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,671

All that's dead are

your stupid laws and rules.

00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,883

You've forgotten what being

a Catholic is all about --

00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,968

this book.

00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,554

You see, these are

just stories --

00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,139

stories that are meant

to help

00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,183

guide people

in the right direction.

00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,644

Love your neighbor.

Be a good person.

00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,312

That's it.

00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,147

And when you start

turning the stories

00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,566

into literal translations

of hierarchies and power,

00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:36,778

well -- well,

you end up with this.

00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,657

People are losing faith

because they don't see

00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,784

how what you've turned the

religion into applies to them.

00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,703

They've lost touch with any

idea of any kind of religion,

00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:48,957

and when they have no mythology

to try and live their lives by,

00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,293

they just start spewing a bunch

of crap out of their mouths!

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,088

What was that last bit?

00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,340

Look, I-I'm proud

to be a Catholic.

00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,550

But I am a Catholic

in the real world --

00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,302

in today's world.

00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,137

It's time for you all

to do that, too.

00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:06,683

It is time...for change.

00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,771

He's right, Sharon.

00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,982

We don't have to believe

every word of the Bible.

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733

They're just stories

to help us live by.

00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,860

We shouldn't toss away

the lessons of the Bible

00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:20,196

just because some assholes

in Italy screwed it up.

00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:23,116

Oh, Randy, I don't want

to put food up my butt anymore.

00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:26,369

Gang, I think maybe

we owe God an apology.

00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,371

Does this mean we have to go

to church on Sundays again?

00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,624

No...it means we get to, son.

00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:34,419

It means...we get to.

eng__SDH.srt

eng__SDH.srt

00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,725

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,602

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,187

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,148

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:25,317

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,111

♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,071

♪ Timmy, Timmy,

liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪

00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:33,325

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:34,994

[ Organ plays ]

00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,371

Parents, it's that

time of year again

00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,290

when the bishops and priests

from around the country

00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:42,126

are organizing the Young Men's

Catholic Retreat.

00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:45,087

This year, we're taking the boys

on a weekend boat trip

00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,591

to discuss Jesus' role

as the navigator of our lives.

00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:49,592

That sounds pretty fun.

00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,053

A Catholic boat trip?

00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:55,473

[ "The Love Boat"

theme music plays ]

00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:01,353

♪ The Catholic Boat ♪

00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:06,108

♪ Is gonna be heading on out

today ♪

00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,403

♪ The Catholic Boat ♪

00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:14,116

♪ Time to throw

all of your cares away ♪

00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,286

♪ Get some hot Christian action

that'll take you -- ♪

00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,122

[ Screaming ]

00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,794

Uh...

[ Coughing ]

00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,921

Excuse me.

00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,007

Look, I just don't think

it's the best idea

00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,593

to let our boys go on

a cruise with the priest.

00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,470

We can't let them go, can we?

00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,097

There's no way my son's going.

00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:38,682

What are they talking about?

- I don't know.

00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,017

Maybe they want to kill us!

00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,894

With everything that's

been in the news,

00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,688

I think it's best we keep our

kids far away from the priests.

00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,732

Now, come on, everybody.

Just because a few priests

00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,484

in the country

have been corrupt,

00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,277

it doesn't mean that all priests

are child molesters.

00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,822

Well, sure, that's easy for you

to say -- Your son's dead.

00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,824

But those of us

with alive children

00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,201

need to be sure that Father Maxi

is on the up-and-up.

00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,411

I've heard about other towns

bringing in counselors

00:01:59,537 --> 00:02:01,247

that know how to find

things out from kids

00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:02,915

without really telling them

what's going on.

00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,250

It couldn't hurt.

00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:06,919

Shh! Shh!

Here he comes. Here he comes.

00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:10,422

[All whistling ]

00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,842

Uh, goodbye, everyone.

00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,718

[All ]

Bye!

00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:17,429

[ Whistling continues ]

00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:18,848

All right, then it's settled.

00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,266

Tomorrow we'll find

an outside counselor

00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,726

and find out the truth.

00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,313

Hi, boys.

My name is Mrs. Gorache,

00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,023

and I need to ask you

a few questions

00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,692

about your priest, okay?

00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,610

[All ] Okay.

- Okay.

00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:35,489

Would you say that Father Maxi

is nice or mean?

00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,283

Fine. Nice.

- Cool.

00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,951

Okay, what words would you use

00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,995

to describe

your church's priest?

00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,789

Compassionate.

00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:47,710

Okay, and did Father Maxi,

at any time,

00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,839

ever try to put something

in your butt?

00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,468

I-In our butt?

00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,095

You don't need to be ashamed

or embarrassed.

00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,515

Just did he ever try to put

anything in your butt?

00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,603

Like money? What?

00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,021

You mean like a goldfish?

00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,565

No, no, did he ever

try to put anything

00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,318

that belonged to him

in your butt?

00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:14,195

[All ] No.

00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,531

This is ridiculous --

having to sit out here

00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,367

waiting to find out

if our priest molested our kids.

00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:23,037

Yeah, what has Catholicism

come to, anyway?

00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:25,164

You know, I think we've just

had it with the Church.

00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,416

All the horrible things

they've done to kids.

00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,418

I think I'm gonna

become an atheist.

00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,545

That's a good idea.

I'm gonna be an atheist, too.

00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:32,880

Let's all be atheists.

00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,798

[All ] Yeah!

- If there was a God,

00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:37,551

why would he let our kids be

molested in the first place?

00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,803

Yeah, let's kill God.

Yeah!

00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,097

Well, let's --

let's just be atheists.

00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,933

Same thing.

00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,100

Yeah!

00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:47,394

[All shouting indistinctly ]

00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,108

What would the priest...

00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,569

possibly want to put

in our butts?

00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,782

Maybe -- No.

00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:00,950

Hey, dudes.

- Hey.

00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,284

Aah!

- What are you guys doing?

00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,994

We had to go meet

with this counselor lady,

00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,162

and she asked us if the priest

00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,331

ever put anything in our butts.

00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,666

In your butts?

00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:10,125

Yeah, isn't that

the damnedest thing?

00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,835

Why would he put anything

in your butts?

00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:13,712

We don't know. That's what

we're trying to figure out.

00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,674

Hmm.

- Hmm.

00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,051

Hello, there, children.

00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:22,221

Chef! What would a priest

want to stick up my butt?

00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:23,722

Goodbye.

00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,642

Ohh!

Nobody's going to tell us!

00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,477

This is gonna drive me insane!

- Calm down, Tweek.

00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,187

There has

to be a rational explanation.

00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,230

Oh, dude, I think

I might have it.

00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,731

What?

- It makes perfect sense.

00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,233

Okay, run with me on this.

00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,902

If you eat food, you crap

out your butt, right?

00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,612

Yeah.

- All right.

00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,447

Now, keep with me here.

It gets a little complicated.

00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,658

If you eat food

and crap out your butt,

00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,494

then maybe if you

stuck food in your butt,

00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,705

you would crap out your mouth.

00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:50,791

Hmm?

00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,501

Cartman, that's the dumbest

thing you've ever said...

00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,295

this week.

- Why? That's not dumb!

00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,255

Think about it! Food goes in

the mouth, comes out the butt.

00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,923

Food goes in the butt,

comes out the mouth.

00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,216

That's not dumb,

that's genius.

00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,218

It wouldn't work!

- Have you ever tried it?

00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,553

I don't need to.

It wouldn't work!

00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,013

I'll bet you 20 bucks

it'll work!

00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,015

You're on, fat boy!

- Okay, let's go, Jew!

00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,435

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Down with God!

00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,104

Stan, you're an atheist now!

- You too, Tweek.

00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,606

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Let's be atheists!

00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,108

I'm a what?

00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,110

Fathers, I want to thank you

all for coming.

00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,029

No, thank you

for finally organizing

00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,905

an all-priest meeting,

Father Maxi.

00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,575

I think we all agree something

has to be done quickly.

00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,452

Hear, hear!

- It certainly does!

00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,203

Well, I don't know how it's been

for all of you,

00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,290

but attendance at my church

in Fort Rollins is down 63%.

00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,042

I'm down almost 70%

in Greenleaf.

00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,711

Yes, I'm afraid if things

keep going the way they are,

00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,504

we could lose

our entire religion!

00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,424

Yes! We've got to stop these

boys from going to the public!

00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,259

They've got to know

to keep their mouths shut.

00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,552

That's right!

- Yep!

00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,013

Right. And so --

W-Wait a minute. What?

00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,182

Yes, but we've got to find out

why these children

00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,683

are suddenly

finding it necessary

00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,393

to report that they're

being molested.

00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,937

Stop the problem at its source.

- Yes, but how?

00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,481

Yeah!

- I don't know what...

00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,232

Whoa, whoa!

Hold on a second.

00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,360

The problem is that

children are being molested,

00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,362

not that they're reporting it!

00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,158

How do you mean?

00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,952

Well, I mean, obviously

what we need to put a stop to

00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,412

is all the sexual misconduct

00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,498

that is allowed to take place

in our churches,

00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,500

not just tell the children

not to tell anybody about it.

00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,335

I mean, right?

00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,670

Well, did any of the children

you've molested come forward?

00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,130

No!

- That's good.

00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,590

No, I mean, I never molested

00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,300

any of the children

in my church!

00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,885

It's okay, Father Maxi.

00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,179

We're all priests here.

The doors are closed.

00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264

For the love of God!

00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,849

Are you all saying

that you have engaged

00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,435

in inappropriate relations

with your altar boys?

00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,605

We are here to bring the light

of God, not harm the innocent!

00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,609

[ Laughter ]

00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,945

I'm serious!

00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,364

Father, having sex with boys

00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,574

is part of the Catholic

priest's way of life.

00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:48,700

[All ]

Yeah!

00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,620

Dear God.

00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,330

This problem is much more severe

00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,207

than I could have

possibly imagined.

00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,836

I have to go to the Vatican

and get help!

00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,922

[ Grunting ]

00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,134

Well, Cartman?

- Hold on!

00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,802

God, let a man crap!

00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:12,057

[ Grunting ] What's going on?

- Cartman shoved food up his ass.

00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,350

And now he's trying

to crap out his mouth.

00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:14,351

Oh.

00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,603

[ Grunting, gagging ]

00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,689

Well, go on, smart ass,

and do it!

00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275

I'm doing it a'eady!

God, give me a minute!

00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,193

You've had five, dude.

- I can't --

00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,487

I can't do it with you guys

watching. Turn around.

00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,822

No, because you'll

just crap out your butt

00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,657

and then say it

came out your mouth!

00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,326

Do you really think

I'd be that deceitful, you guys?

00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,581

Oh, God damn it, you guys,

I'm so seriously...

00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,249

[ Grunting ]

00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,376

[ Gagging ]

00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:42,671

Ahh!

00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:43,839

[ Plunk ]

00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,885

Get the fuck out of here.

00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:50,429

Yes!

Yes, I did it!

00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,139

I crapped out my mouth!

00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:54,224

♪ I crapped out my mouth ♪

00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,768

You owe me 20 bucks, dick face!

00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:02,774

Well, there you go.

Uh...grazie.

00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:06,153

Wow.

I'm actually here.

00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,780

Vatican City!

00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:13,243

[ Choir singing in Latin ]

00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,954

Your Holiness, this is

Father Maxi from America.

00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,165

He has brought this all

to our attention.

00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,833

Your Holiness.

00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,793

[ Groaning ]

00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,048

Adoramus te, Christe.

00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,343

[All ]

Et dominus vivo.

00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,012

Cardinals, bishops, and priests,

00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,389

an American priest

by the name of Maxi

00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,684

has brought to our attention

the most troubling of news.

00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,478

All over his country,

there are reports

00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,773

of children being molested

by men of the Church.

00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,816

If things continue this way,

00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,861

we'll never be able to have

sex with young boys again!

00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,530

[ Indistinct shouting ]

00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,240

That's right.

Wait -- What?!

00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,909

In France, as well, we are

finding it harder and harder

00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,619

to make love to our boys.

00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,996

In Morocco, they have

arrested five of my priests.

00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,666

It's only a matter of time

before they get the rest of us.

00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,961

Father Maxi, what do you suggest

we do to not get caught?

00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,546

Not get caught?! No!

00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,549

I think what we should do

is not have sex with boys!

00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:11,051

[ Indistinct shouting ]

00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,344

It is not written anywhere

00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,137

in the Holy Document

of Vatican Law

00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,098

that sex with the boys is wrong.

00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,516

Well, maybe we need to change

00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,393

the Holy Document

of Vatican Law.

00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,853

[ Indistinct shouting ]

00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:24,314

Speaking on behalf

of the British Catholics,

00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,275

it is obvious that the priest

doesn't realize

00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,611

that the Holy Document of

Vatican Law cannot be changed!

00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,863

Yeah!

- He's right!

00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,826

Yes, and speaking on behalf

of the Gelgamek Catholics,

00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,035

I believe we should move on

00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,121

to other solutions

to this problem!

00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,415

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Yeah!

00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,917

Gelgameks?

00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,587

[ Doorbell rings ]

00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,463

Kyle, could you help me out?

00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,007

I need some advice.

00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,426

What?

- It's just that...

00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,304

I can't decide what to buy

with your $20!

00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,556

I was thinking of getting

this Mega-Man racer for $19.95,

00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,850

or I could get two Broncos'

trading packs for $10 apiece.

00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,685

And then I thought --

00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,860

Oh, boy.

Now that we're atheists,

00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,194

we don't have to pray

for our food.

00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,697

That's right.

Everyone just dig in.

00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:16,408

So, kids, anything fun happen

with your whole Sunday off?

00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,201

Uh, Cartman shoved

his lunch up his ass

00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,286

and crapped out his mouth.

00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,246

Stanley!

- What? He did!

00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,332

No, it doesn't work

that way, son.

00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:24,333

Yeah, it does.

00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,459

No, it doesn't.

00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,878

Yeah. It does.

00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,965

[ Grunts ]

00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:36,386

[ Gagging ]

00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:37,679

Ahh!

00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,056

[ Gasps ]

00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,975

Honey!

Honey, come quick!

00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,977

[ Bells tolling ]

00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:47,898

Look, people...

I'm just trying to say

00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:51,568

that if we don't change the

Holy Document of Vatican Law,

00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,237

then we might lose

everyone to atheism!

00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:57,032

What exactly do you suggest

we change, Father Maxi?

00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,451

Well, for one --

no sex with boys.

00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,120

[ Indistinct shouting ]

00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,122

The Holy Document

of Vatican Law states

00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,583

that a priest, bishop, or

cardinal cannot get married.

00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,502

So where are we to get our sex?

00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:10,504

Well, then, perhaps

we could change

00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:13,215

the Holy Document of Vatican Law

to say that it's okay

00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,758

for a priest

or bishop or cardinal

00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:17,010

to have sex...with women.

00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,222

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Women?!

00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,391

The Gelgamek vagina

is 3 feet wide

00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,267

and filled

with razor-sharp teeth.

00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:27,521

Do you really expect us

to have sex with them?!

00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:30,732

O-- Okay,

maybe we just need to forget

00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,609

about the Gelgameks

for a second and focus --

00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,528

Forget about the Gelgameks?!

00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,196

[ Indistinct shouting ]

00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,490

I'm just saying what works

on planet Gelgamek

00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,033

isn't necessarily going to work

00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,618

for the rest of us

here on Earth.

00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,454

You see? That's the problem

we're having here.

00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,999

But the Holy Document of

Vatican Law cannot be changed!

00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,292

Why not?

00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,129

Because we don't know

where it is.

00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,924

You see, Father, the Holy

Document of Vatican Law

00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,759

has been hidden away

deep in the catacombs

00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,553

of St. Peter's below us...

00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,347

hidden away so that it

can never be changed.

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,434

But if we locate it,

we could make changes to it?

00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,310

Ha!

Good luck, Father!

00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,312

The Document is guarded

by water lizards,

00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,064

rattlesnakes, and sand traps.

00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,025

The fools who tried before

to recover it met their death!

00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,737

Well, we have to try.

Our religion is dying!

00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:17,988

[ Door opens ]

00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,115

You guys, you guys, look!

- Aah!

00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,242

I went down to the bank,

and I got Kyle's $20 bill

00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,411

turned into 20 single

dollar bills!

00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:25,704

So?

- So?!

00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,039

So now I can do this.

00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,541

Yes!

00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,085

Yes, Kyle's money.

00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,295

Mmm, Kyle's money.

00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,671

Go fuck yourself, Cartman!

00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,174

Oh, it feels so good

on my skin. Mmm.

00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,259

Get up, fat boy!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,469

Geez, Kyle,

don't be a sore loser.

00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,053

It's over, okay?

I won. Let it go.

00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:43,930

So, you crapped out

of your mouth! Good for you!

00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,308

It's still stupid and immature!

- Dude, look!

00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,851

Our top story tonight --

00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,686

The age-old question

has been answered.

00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,230

"If I put food up my ass,

will I crap out my mouth?"

00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,316

All over the country,

people are discovering that,

00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026

yes, in fact, you will!

00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,111

The surgeon general

had this to say...

00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,071

"And the immediate research shows

00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,782

that the act

is not only amusing,

00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,700

but, in fact, much healthier

for our bodies

00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,160

than the old way of eating.

00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,037

You see, food entering

through the anus

00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,122

has the benefit of being broken

down on its way to the stomach

00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,540

rather than afterward.

00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,417

And therefore, I believe

that intero-rectogestion

00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,503

would actually put a stop

to high cholesterol

00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,588

and most kinds

of stomach cancers.

00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,548

And I base that

on absolutely nothing."

00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,592

The surgeon general's response

has made Americans

00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,844

change their eating habits

almost instantly.

00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,262

"That's stupid

and immature, Cartman."

00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,722

It is stupid and immature!

00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,390

So you got people to crap

out of their mouths!

00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,850

What do you want,

a freaking medal?

00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,727

The mayor of South Park

has announced

00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,604

that for first discovering

this healthy way of eating,

00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,065

young citizen Eric Cartman

will be given a freaking medal!

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,483

Aah!

00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,654

Back now with more on

"Martha Stewart Living."

00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,906

In the past few days,

we've all heard of the benefits

00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,659

of intero-rectogestion,

and so making foods

00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,203

that can easily be inserted

into the ass is essential.

00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,704

Now, everyone knows

that some foods

00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:50,956

are simple

to shove up the ass --

00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,541

puddings, soups, raisins.

00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,668

This is a nice

raisin pudding right here.

00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,545

But we can also still eat

our favorite foods.

00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,046

What we're gonna do today

00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,423

is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey

for intero-recto.

00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,634

Now, the key to shoving

a Turkey up your ass

00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,219

is first wrapping it in string,

00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,137

keeping the pointy wings

neatly at the side.

00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,223

Mrs. Stewart,

we have some questions.

00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,268

Not right now. I just want

to focus on my turkey right now.

00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,936

Now, we're going

to baste the turkey

00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,146

with lubricating gel

rather than with juice.

00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,399

This will help smooth

the insertion later on.

00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,402

We still bake at 400 degrees

for 20 minutes a pound.

00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,988

And when it's done,

we'll get something like this.

00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,114

So, now we're ready to go.

00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,740

Looks delicious.

Let's try it out.

00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,413

Ohh!

00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,375

Ohh! Yeah, get it up there.

Yeah.

00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:39,087

Ugh! Yeah!

00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,215

Ugh! Ahh!

00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:45,218

Whew! And that is how

you eat a turkey.

00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:48,263

We'll be right back with more.

00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,182

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,816

Prego!

- [ Gasps ]

00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,359

Uh, hello.

00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,529

My name is Father Maxi

from the United States.

00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,532

What do you seek, Father?

- I...

00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,285

I'm trying to find

the Holy Document of Vatican Law

00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,537

so that we can make

revisions to it.

00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,874

That gospel lies somewhere

beyond this door.

00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:19,169

But...many trials

await thee inside.

00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,963

Only he whose heart

truly belongs to the Lord

00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,507

shall make it through.

- I have to try!

00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:25,884

Our religion is in trouble,

and --

00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,594

and that scroll

may be our only hope!

00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,638

Then prepare yourself.

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,223

The time of trials begins.

00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:35,060

Adoramus te, Christe!

00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,606

[ Choir chanting in Latin ]

00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,441

I wish you luck, Father.

00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:45,195

Use all the strength, agility,

and faith that you have.

00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529

Very well.

00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,989

Here we go.

00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,535

[ "Pitfall!" music plays ]

00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,127

[ Beeping ]

00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,588

Hmm, there's

a ladder up here.

00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,840

Oh, my God,

a rattlesnake!

00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,760

A way back up!

00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,931

[ Sighs ]

I made it!

00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,850

Praise be to God!

He hath shown me the way!

00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,103

This must be it...

00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,605

the Holy Document

of Vatican Law.

00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,357

[ Blows ]

00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,486

Well, Sharon and I are having

a great time being atheists.

00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,655

I, for one, can't believe

I used to live my life

00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,491

by what a very old and very

fictional book used to say.

00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,201

[ Laughter ]

00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,953

Well, it's true. I mean,

what do a bunch of stories

00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,287

about people in robes

slaughtering goats

00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,956

have to do with today's world?

00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,250

Atheism has definitely

made our lives better.

00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,752

I made some quesadillas

if anybody wants some!

00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:43,962

[All ]

Ooh!

00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,255

And if anybody needs to potty,

00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,423

there's a potty basket

right here.

00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:47,882

Oh, thanks, Sharon.

00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:49,342

You know, for Martha and I,

we're worried

00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,761

we might have a hard time

raising our son atheist.

00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,388

I mean -- Oh, thank you.

00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,181

I mean, it could end up

being very difficult

00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,684

raising an atheist child

in such a Christian society.

00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,894

[ Straining ]

I feel like everywhere my poor son goes,

00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,106

he's being persecuted

for his beliefs.

00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,567

That's true. If I'm gonna raise

my son to be atheist,

00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,028

I don't want him saying

"under God" every day at school.

00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:09,612

That could really damage him.

00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:12,240

"Under God" should be taken

out of the -- Excuse me.

00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,784

[ Groaning ]

00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,079

"Under God" should be taken out

of the Pledge of Allegiance.

00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,581

That's right. I agree.

- Yes.

00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,332

And it should be taken

off of money, as well.

00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,126

The religious right

in this country

00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,212

is trying to force our children

to believe what they --

00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,632

Ahh.

00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,260

And we can't let the religious

right corrupt our kids!

00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,928

That's right.

- That's right.

00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:41,186

Cardinals, bishops, and priests,

Father Maxi has returned!

00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,105

And he has the Holy Document

of Vatican Law!

00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,815

[All gasp ]

00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,068

How did he make it past

the water lizards?

00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,780

Yes, I have returned with the

Holy Document of Vatican Law,

00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,115

so can we please

change it now

00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,659

to say it's not okay

to have sex with boys?

00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:57,994

[ Tapping ]

00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,120

Wait! Wait!

00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,247

The Pope wants to say something!

00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:08,671

The Pope says we shall

ask the highest source!

00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,298

[All gasp ]

00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,676

[All singing in Latin ]

00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:20,016

Oh, my!

[ Thunder crashes ]

00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,434

The holy one!

00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:25,647

Behold the great Queen Spider!

00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,857

[All ]

Hail, Queen Spider.

00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,067

Queen Spider?

00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,610

Oh, great Queen Spider,

00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,195

we seek your guidance.

00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,781

What do you ask of me?

00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:38,326

Great Queen Spider, we wish to

change one of the Vatican rules.

00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,829

The Vatican rules

cannot be changed.

00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580

So sayeth the spider.

00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,166

Go on, Priest Maxi,

see if you can convince her.

00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,877

All right, that does it!

I have had enough!

00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:51,422

You people have completely lost

touch with the outside world!

00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:54,134

You sit in this big room

with your Gelgameks

00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,718

and your Queen Spider,

and none of it

00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,887

applies to what being a Catholic

is all about!

00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,473

But the Holy Document of

Vatican Law states that --

00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,268

To hell with the Holy Document

of Vatican Law!

00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:04,727

[ Gasping, rumbling ]

00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:08,148

[ Indistinct shouting,

screaming ]

00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,986

You guys, you guys!

00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:14,654

I took Kyle's $20 down

to the bank again,

00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,739

and I got it changed

into quarters!

00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,575

So?

- So now I can dump them

00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,244

into this little pool

and swim in them all day long!

00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,579

Yay!

00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:25,123

Kyle's money.

00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,125

Cartman, there's something

I need to tell you.

00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,710

Ooh, what's that, Kyle?

00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,837

You were totally, 100% right.

00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,672

[ Chuckles ]

What?

00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,465

You won the bet.

You were totally accurate

00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,800

about being able

to crap out your mouth,

00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,093

and I've just been frustrated

00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,970

because I didn't

think of it first.

00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,889

I want you to enjoy that money

because you really impressed me

00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:44,142

with your insight, and I'm proud

to have you as a friend.

00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,147

You son of a bitch, Kyle!

00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,648

I hate you!

00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:52,025

[Air hisses ]

00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,110

[ Indistinct shouting ]

00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,696

Great news, Stan.

The Vatican is burning down!

00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,239

Score one for us atheists!

00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,366

Come on, Tweek, we're

gonna go watch on TV!

00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:02,744

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Burn it down!

00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,748

Gone.

It's all gone.

00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,416

Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi.

00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,169

You've killed our religion.

- No, I didn't!

00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,671

All that's dead are

your stupid laws and rules.

00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,883

You've forgotten what being

a Catholic is all about --

00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,968

this book.

00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,554

You see, these are

just stories --

00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,139

stories that are meant

to help

00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,183

guide people

in the right direction.

00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,644

Love your neighbor.

Be a good person.

00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,312

That's it.

00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,147

And when you start

turning the stories

00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,566

into literal translations

of hierarchies and power,

00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:36,778

well -- well,

you end up with this.

00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,657

People are losing faith

because they don't see

00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,784

how what you've turned the

religion into applies to them.

00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,703

They've lost touch with any

idea of any kind of religion,

00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:48,957

and when they have no mythology

to try and live their lives by,

00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,293

they just start spewing a bunch

of crap out of their mouths!

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,088

What was that last bit?

00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,340

Look, I-I'm proud

to be a Catholic.

00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,550

But I am a Catholic

in the real world --

00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,302

in today's world.

00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,137

It's time for you all

to do that, too.

00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:06,683

It is time...for change.

00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,771

He's right, Sharon.

00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,982

We don't have to believe

every word of the Bible.

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733

They're just stories

to help us live by.

00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,860

We shouldn't toss away

the lessons of the Bible

00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:20,196

just because some assholes

in Italy screwed it up.

00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:23,116

Oh, Randy, I don't want

to put food up my butt anymore.

00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:26,369

Gang, I think maybe

we owe God an apology.

00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,371

Does this mean we have to go

to church on Sundays again?

00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,624

No...it means we get to, son.

00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:34,419

It means...we get to.

00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,797

[ Gagging ]

Скриншоты