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Пылкая католическая любовь
Red Hot Catholic Love
Сезон: 06Серия: 08
Описание
Отец Макси отправляется в Ватикан, чтобы обсудить проблему растления несовершеннолетних католическими священниками. Взрослые жители Южного Парка становятся атеистами. Картман учится испражняться ртом.
Субтитры
- 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:12,054 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,725 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,187 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,148 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:25,317 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,111 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
- 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,071 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
- 00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:33,325 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,371 Parents, it's that time of year again
- 00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,290 when the bishops and priests from around the country
- 00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:42,126 are organizing the Young Men's Catholic Retreat.
- 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:45,087 This year, we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip
- 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,591 to discuss Jesus' role as the navigator of our lives.
- 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:49,592 That sounds pretty fun.
- 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,053 A Catholic boat trip?
- 00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:01,353 ♪ The Catholic Boat ♪
- 00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:06,108 ♪ Is gonna be heading on out today ♪
- 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,403 ♪ The Catholic Boat ♪
- 00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:14,116 ♪ Time to throw all of your cares away ♪
- 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,286 ♪ Get some hot Christian action that'll take you -- ♪
- 00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,794 Uh...
- 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,921 Excuse me.
- 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,007 Look, I just don't think it's the best idea
- 00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,593 to let our boys go on a <i>cruise</i> with the priest.
- 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,470 We can't let them go, can we?
- 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,097 There's no way my son's going.
- 00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:38,682 What are they talking about? - I don't know.
- 00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,017 Maybe they want to kill us!
- 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,894 With everything that's been in the news,
- 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,688 I think it's best we keep our kids far away from the priests.
- 00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,732 Now, come on, everybody. Just because a few priests
- 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,484 in the country have been corrupt,
- 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,277 it doesn't mean that <i>all</i> priests are child molesters.
- 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,822 Well, sure, that's easy for you to say -- Your son's dead.
- 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,824 But those of us with <i>alive</i> children
- 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,201 need to be sure that Father Maxi is on the up-and-up.
- 00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,411 I've heard about other towns bringing in counselors
- 00:01:59,537 --> 00:02:01,247 that know how to find things out from kids
- 00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:02,915 without really telling them what's going on.
- 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,250 It couldn't hurt.
- 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:06,919 Shh! Shh! Here he comes. Here he comes.
- 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,842 Uh, goodbye, everyone.
- 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,718 Bye!
- 00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:18,848 All right, then it's settled.
- 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,266 Tomorrow we'll find an outside counselor
- 00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,726 and find out the truth.
- 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,313 Hi, boys. My name is Mrs. Gorache,
- 00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,023 and I need to ask you a few questions
- 00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,692 about your priest, okay?
- 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,610 Okay. - Okay.
- 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:35,489 Would you say that Father Maxi is nice or mean?
- 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,283 Fine. Nice. - Cool.
- 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,951 Okay, what words would you use
- 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,995 to describe your church's priest?
- 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,789 Compassionate.
- 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:47,710 Okay, and did Father Maxi, at any time,
- 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,839 ever try to put something in your butt?
- 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,468 I-In our butt?
- 00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,095 You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed.
- 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,515 Just did he ever try to put anything in your butt?
- 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,603 Like money? What?
- 00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,021 You mean like a goldfish?
- 00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,565 No, no, did he ever try to put anything
- 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,318 that belonged to <i>him</i> in your butt?
- 00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:14,195 No.
- 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,531 This is ridiculous -- having to sit out here
- 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,367 waiting to find out if our priest molested our kids.
- 00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:23,037 Yeah, what has Catholicism come to, anyway?
- 00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:25,164 You know, I think we've just had it with the Church.
- 00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,416 All the horrible things they've done to kids.
- 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,418 I think I'm gonna become an atheist.
- 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,545 That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist, too.
- 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:32,880 Let's all be atheists.
- 00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,798 Yeah! - If there was a God,
- 00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:37,551 why would he let our kids be molested in the first place?
- 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,803 Yeah, let's kill God. Yeah!
- 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,097 Well, let's -- let's just be atheists.
- 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,933 Same thing.
- 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,100 Yeah!
- 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,108 What would the priest...
- 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,569 possibly want to put in our butts?
- 00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,782 Maybe -- No.
- 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:00,950 Hey, dudes. - Hey.
- 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,284 Aah! - What are you guys doing?
- 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,994 We had to go meet with this counselor lady,
- 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,162 and she asked us if the priest
- 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,331 ever put anything in our butts.
- 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,666 In your butts?
- 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:10,125 Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?
- 00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,835 Why would he put anything in your butts?
- 00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:13,712 We don't know. That's what we're trying to figure out.
- 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,674 Hmm. - Hmm.
- 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,051 Hello, there, children.
- 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:22,221 Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
- 00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:23,722 Goodbye.
- 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,642 Ohh! Nobody's going to tell us!
- 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,477 This is gonna drive me insane! - Calm down, Tweek.
- 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,187 There has to be a rational explanation.
- 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,230 Oh, dude, I think I might have it.
- 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,731 What? - It makes perfect sense.
- 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,233 Okay, run with me on this.
- 00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,902 If you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?
- 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,612 Yeah. - All right.
- 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,447 Now, keep with me here. It gets a little complicated.
- 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,658 If you eat food and crap out your butt,
- 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,494 then maybe if you stuck food in your butt,
- 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,705 you would crap out your mouth.
- 00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:50,791 Hmm?
- 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,501 Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said...
- 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,295 this week. - Why? That's not dumb!
- 00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,255 Think about it! Food goes in the mouth, comes out the butt.
- 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,923 Food goes in the butt, comes out the mouth.
- 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,216 That's not dumb, that's genius.
- 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,218 It wouldn't work! - Have you ever tried it?
- 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,553 I don't need to. It wouldn't work!
- 00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,013 I'll bet you 20 bucks it'll work!
- 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,015 You're on, fat boy! - Okay, let's go, Jew!
- 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,435 Down with God!
- 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,104 Stan, you're an atheist now! - You too, Tweek.
- 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,606 Let's be atheists!
- 00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,108 I'm a what?
- 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,110 Fathers, I want to thank you all for coming.
- 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,029 No, thank you for finally organizing
- 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,905 an all-priest meeting, Father Maxi.
- 00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,575 I think we all agree something has to be done quickly.
- 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,452 Hear, hear! - It certainly does!
- 00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,203 Well, I don't know how it's been for all of you,
- 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,290 but attendance at my church in Fort Rollins is down 63%.
- 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,042 I'm down almost 70% in Greenleaf.
- 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,711 Yes, I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are,
- 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,504 we could lose our entire religion!
- 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,424 Yes! We've got to stop these boys from going to the public!
- 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,259 They've got to know to keep their mouths shut.
- 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,552 That's right! - Yep!
- 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,013 Right. And so -- W-Wait a minute. What?
- 00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,182 Yes, but we've got to find out <i>why</i> these children
- 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,683 are suddenly finding it necessary
- 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,393 to report that they're being molested.
- 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,937 Stop the problem at its source. - Yes, but how?
- 00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,481 Yeah! - I don't know what...
- 00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,232 Whoa, whoa! Hold on a second.
- 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,360 The problem is that children are being molested,
- 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,362 not that they're reporting it!
- 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,158 How do you mean?
- 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,952 Well, I mean, obviously what we need to put a stop to
- 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,412 is all the sexual misconduct
- 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,498 that is allowed to take place in our churches,
- 00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,500 not just tell the children not to tell anybody about it.
- 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,335 I mean, right?
- 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,670 Well, did any of the children you've molested come forward?
- 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,130 No! - That's good.
- 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,590 No, I mean, I never molested
- 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,300 any of the children in my church!
- 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,885 It's okay, Father Maxi.
- 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,179 We're all priests here. The doors are closed.
- 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264 For the love of God!
- 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,849 Are you all saying that you have engaged
- 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,435 in inappropriate relations with your altar boys?
- 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,605 We are here to bring the light of God, not harm the innocent!
- 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,945 I'm serious!
- 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,364 Father, having sex with boys
- 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,574 is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
- 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:48,700 Yeah!
- 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,620 Dear God.
- 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,330 This problem is much more severe
- 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,207 than I could have possibly imagined.
- 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,836 I have to go to the Vatican and get help!
- 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,134 Well, Cartman? - Hold on!
- 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,802 God, let a man crap!
- 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:12,057 What's going on? - Cartman shoved food up his ass.
- 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,350 And now he's trying to crap out his mouth.
- 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:14,351 Oh.
- 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,689 Well, go on, smart ass, and do it!
- 00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275 I'm doing it a'eady! God, give me a minute!
- 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,193 You've had five, dude. - I can't --
- 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,487 I can't do it with you guys watching. Turn around.
- 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,822 No, because you'll just crap out your butt
- 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,657 and then say it came out your mouth!
- 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,326 Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you guys?
- 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,581 Oh, God damn it, you guys, I'm so seriously...
- 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:42,671 Ahh!
- 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,885 Get the fuck out of here.
- 00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:50,429 Yes! Yes, I did it!
- 00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,139 I crapped out my mouth!
- 00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:54,224 ♪ I crapped out my mouth ♪
- 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,768 You owe me 20 bucks, dick face!
- 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:02,774 Well, there you go. Uh...grazie.
- 00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:06,153 Wow. I'm actually here.
- 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,780 Vatican City!
- 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,954 Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from America.
- 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,165 He has brought this all to our attention.
- 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,833 Your Holiness.
- 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,048 Adoramus te, Christe.
- 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,343 Et dominus vivo.
- 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,012 Cardinals, bishops, and priests,
- 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,389 an American priest by the name of Maxi
- 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,684 has brought to our attention the most troubling of news.
- 00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,478 All over his country, there are reports
- 00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,773 of children being molested by men of the Church.
- 00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,816 If things continue this way,
- 00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,861 we'll never be able to have sex with young boys again!
- 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,240 That's right. Wait -- What?!
- 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,909 In France, as well, we are finding it harder and harder
- 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,619 to make love to our boys.
- 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,996 In Morocco, they have arrested five of my priests.
- 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,666 It's only a matter of time before they get the rest of us.
- 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,961 Father Maxi, what do you suggest we do to not get caught?
- 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,546 Not get caught?! No!
- 00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,549 I think what we should do is not have sex with boys!
- 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,344 It is not written anywhere
- 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,137 in the Holy Document of Vatican Law
- 00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,098 that sex with the boys is wrong.
- 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,516 Well, maybe we need to change
- 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,393 the Holy Document of Vatican Law.
- 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:24,314 Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics,
- 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,275 it is obvious that the priest doesn't realize
- 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,611 that the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed!
- 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,863 Yeah! - He's right!
- 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,826 Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek Catholics,
- 00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,035 I believe we should move on
- 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,121 to other solutions to this problem!
- 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,415 Yeah!
- 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,917 Gelgameks?
- 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,463 Kyle, could you help me out?
- 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,007 I need some advice.
- 00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,426 What? - It's just that...
- 00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,304 I can't decide what to buy with <i>your</i> $20!
- 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,556 I was thinking of getting this Mega-Man racer for $19.95,
- 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,850 or I could get two Broncos' trading packs for $10 apiece.
- 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,685 And then I thought --
- 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,860 Oh, boy. Now that we're atheists,
- 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,194 we don't have to pray for our food.
- 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,697 That's right. Everyone just dig in.
- 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:16,408 So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
- 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,201 Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass
- 00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,286 and crapped out his mouth.
- 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,246 Stanley! - What? He did!
- 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,332 No, it doesn't work that way, son.
- 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:24,333 Yeah, it does.
- 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,459 No, it doesn't.
- 00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,878 Yeah. It <i>does.</i>
- 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:37,679 Ahh!
- 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,975 Honey! Honey, come quick!
- 00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:47,898 Look, people... I'm just trying to say
- 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:51,568 that if we don't change the Holy Document of Vatican Law,
- 00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,237 then we might lose everyone to atheism!
- 00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:57,032 What exactly do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
- 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,451 Well, for one -- no sex with boys.
- 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,122 The Holy Document of Vatican Law states
- 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,583 that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot get married.
- 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,502 So where are we to get our sex?
- 00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:10,504 Well, then, perhaps we could change
- 00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:13,215 the Holy Document of Vatican Law to say that it's okay
- 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,758 for a priest or bishop or cardinal
- 00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:17,010 to have sex...with women.
- 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,222 Women?!
- 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,391 The Gelgamek vagina is 3 feet wide
- 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,267 and filled with razor-sharp teeth.
- 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:27,521 Do you really expect us to have sex with them?!
- 00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:30,732 O-- Okay, maybe we just need to forget
- 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,609 about the Gelgameks for a second and focus --
- 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,528 Forget about the Gelgameks?!
- 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,490 I'm just saying what works on planet Gelgamek
- 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,033 isn't necessarily going to work
- 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,618 for the rest of us here on Earth.
- 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,454 You see? That's the problem we're having here.
- 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,999 But the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed!
- 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,292 Why not?
- 00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,129 Because we don't know where it is.
- 00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,924 You see, Father, the Holy Document of Vatican Law
- 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,759 has been hidden away deep in the catacombs
- 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,553 of St. Peter's below us...
- 00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,347 hidden away so that it can never be changed.
- 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,434 But if we locate it, we could make changes to it?
- 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,310 Ha! Good luck, Father!
- 00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,312 The Document is guarded by water lizards,
- 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,064 rattlesnakes, and sand traps.
- 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,025 The fools who tried before to recover it met their death!
- 00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,737 Well, we have to try. Our religion is dying!
- 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,115 You guys, you guys, look! - Aah!
- 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,242 I went down to the bank, and I got Kyle's $20 bill
- 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,411 turned into 20 single dollar bills!
- 00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:25,704 So? - So?!
- 00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,039 So now I can do this.
- 00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,541 Yes!
- 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,085 Yes, Kyle's money.
- 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,295 Mmm, Kyle's money.
- 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,671 Go fuck yourself, Cartman!
- 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,174 Oh, it feels so good on my skin. Mmm.
- 00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,259 Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your ass!
- 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,469 Geez, Kyle, don't be a sore loser.
- 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,053 It's over, okay? I won. Let it go.
- 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:43,930 So, you crapped out of your mouth! Good for you!
- 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,308 It's still stupid and immature! - Dude, look!
- 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,851 <i>Our top story tonight --</i>
- 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,686 <i>The age-old question has been answered.</i>
- 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,230 <i>"If I put food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth?"</i>
- 00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,316 <i>All over the country, people are discovering that,</i>
- 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026 yes, in fact, you will!
- 00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,111 The surgeon general had this to say...
- 00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,071 "And the immediate research shows
- 00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,782 that the act is not only amusing,
- 00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,700 but, in fact, much healthier for our bodies
- 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,160 than the old way of eating.
- 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,037 You see, food entering through the anus
- 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,122 has the benefit of being broken down on its way to the stomach
- 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,540 rather than afterward.
- 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,417 And therefore, I believe that intero-rectogestion
- 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,503 would actually put a stop to high cholesterol
- 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,588 and most kinds of stomach cancers.
- 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,548 And I base that on absolutely nothing."
- 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,592 <i>The surgeon general's response has made Americans</i>
- 00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,844 <i>change their eating habits almost instantly.</i>
- 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,262 "That's stupid and immature, Cartman."
- 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,722 It <i>is</i> stupid and immature!
- 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,390 So you got people to crap out of their mouths!
- 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,850 What do you want, a freaking medal?
- 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,727 <i>The mayor of South Park has announced</i>
- 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,604 <i>that for first discovering this healthy way of eating,</i>
- 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,065 <i>young citizen Eric Cartman will be given a freaking medal!</i>
- 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,483 Aah!
- 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,654 <i>Back now with more on "Martha Stewart Living."</i>
- 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,906 In the past few days, we've all heard of the benefits
- 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,659 of intero-rectogestion, and so making foods
- 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,203 that can easily be inserted into the ass is essential.
- 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,704 Now, everyone knows that some foods
- 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:50,956 are simple to shove up the ass --
- 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,541 puddings, soups, raisins.
- 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,668 This is a nice raisin pudding right here.
- 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,545 But we can also still eat our favorite foods.
- 00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,046 What we're gonna do today
- 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,423 is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey for intero-recto.
- 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,634 Now, the key to shoving a Turkey up your ass
- 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,219 is first wrapping it in string,
- 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,137 keeping the pointy wings neatly at the side.
- 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,223 Mrs. Stewart, we have some questions.
- 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,268 Not right now. I just want to focus on my turkey right now.
- 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,936 Now, we're going to baste the turkey
- 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,146 with lubricating gel rather than with juice.
- 00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,399 This will help smooth the insertion later on.
- 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,402 We still bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes a pound.
- 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,988 And when it's done, we'll get something like this.
- 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,114 So, now we're ready to go.
- 00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,740 Looks delicious. Let's try it out.
- 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,413 Ohh!
- 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,375 Ohh! Yeah, get it up there. Yeah.
- 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:39,087 Ugh! Yeah!
- 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,215 Ugh! Ahh!
- 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:45,218 Whew! And that is how you eat a turkey.
- 00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:48,263 We'll be right back with more.
- 00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,816 Prego!
- 00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,359 Uh, hello.
- 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,529 My name is Father Maxi from the United States.
- 00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,532 What do you seek, Father? - I...
- 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,285 I'm trying to find the Holy Document of Vatican Law
- 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,537 so that we can make revisions to it.
- 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,874 That gospel lies somewhere beyond this door.
- 00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:19,169 But...many trials await thee inside.
- 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,963 Only he whose heart truly belongs to the Lord
- 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,507 shall make it through. - I have to try!
- 00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:25,884 Our religion is in trouble, and --
- 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,594 and that scroll may be our only hope!
- 00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,638 Then prepare yourself.
- 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,223 The time of trials begins.
- 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:35,060 Adoramus te, Christe!
- 00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,441 I wish you luck, Father.
- 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:45,195 Use all the strength, agility, and faith that you have.
- 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529 Very well.
- 00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,989 Here we go.
- 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,588 Hmm, there's a ladder up here.
- 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,840 Oh, my God, a rattlesnake!
- 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,760 A way back up!
- 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,931 I made it!
- 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,850 Praise be to God! He hath shown me the way!
- 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,103 This must be it...
- 00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,605 the Holy Document of Vatican Law.
- 00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,486 Well, Sharon and I are having a great time being atheists.
- 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,655 I, for one, can't believe I used to live my life
- 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,491 by what a very old and very fictional book used to say.
- 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,953 Well, it's true. I mean, what do a bunch of stories
- 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,287 about people in robes slaughtering goats
- 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,956 have to do with today's world?
- 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,250 Atheism has definitely made <i>our</i> lives better.
- 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,752 I made some quesadillas if anybody wants some!
- 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:43,962 Ooh!
- 00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,255 And if anybody needs to potty,
- 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,423 there's a potty basket right here.
- 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:47,882 Oh, thanks, Sharon.
- 00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:49,342 You know, for Martha and I, we're worried
- 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,761 we might have a hard time raising our son atheist.
- 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,388 I mean -- Oh, thank you.
- 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,181 I mean, it could end up being very difficult
- 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,684 raising an atheist child in such a Christian society.
- 00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,894 I feel like everywhere my poor son goes,
- 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,106 he's being persecuted for his beliefs.
- 00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,567 That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son to be atheist,
- 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,028 I don't want him saying "under God" every day at school.
- 00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:09,612 That could really damage him.
- 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:12,240 "Under God" should be taken out of the -- Excuse me.
- 00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,079 "Under God" should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
- 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,581 That's right. I agree. - Yes.
- 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,332 And it should be taken off of money, as well.
- 00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,126 The religious right in this country
- 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,212 is trying to force our children to believe what they --
- 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,632 Ahh.
- 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,260 And we can't let the religious right corrupt our kids!
- 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,928 That's right. - That's right.
- 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:41,186 Cardinals, bishops, and priests, Father Maxi has returned!
- 00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,105 And he has the Holy Document of Vatican Law!
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,068 How did he make it past the water lizards?
- 00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,780 Yes, I have returned with the Holy Document of Vatican Law,
- 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,115 so can we <i>please</i> change it now
- 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,659 to say it's not okay to have sex with boys?
- 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,120 Wait! Wait!
- 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,247 The Pope wants to say something!
- 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:08,671 The Pope says we shall ask the highest source!
- 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:20,016 Oh, my!
- 00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,434 The holy one!
- 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:25,647 Behold the great Queen Spider!
- 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,857 Hail, Queen Spider.
- 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,067 Queen Spider?
- 00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,610 Oh, great Queen Spider,
- 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,195 we seek your guidance.
- 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,781 What do you ask of me?
- 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:38,326 Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican rules.
- 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,829 The Vatican rules cannot be changed.
- 00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580 So sayeth the spider.
- 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,166 Go on, Priest Maxi, see if you can convince her.
- 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,877 All right, that does it! I have had enough!
- 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:51,422 You people have completely lost touch with the outside world!
- 00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:54,134 You sit in this big room with your Gelgameks
- 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,718 and your Queen Spider, and none of it
- 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,887 applies to what being a Catholic is all about!
- 00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,473 But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that --
- 00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,268 To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican Law!
- 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,986 You guys, you guys!
- 00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:14,654 I took Kyle's $20 down to the bank again,
- 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,739 and I got it changed into quarters!
- 00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,575 So? - So <i>now</i> I can dump them
- 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,244 into this little pool and swim in them all day long!
- 00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,579 Yay!
- 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:25,123 Kyle's money.
- 00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,125 Cartman, there's something I need to tell you.
- 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,710 Ooh, what's that, Kyle?
- 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,837 You were totally, 100% right.
- 00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,672 What?
- 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,465 You won the bet. You were totally accurate
- 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,800 about being able to crap out your mouth,
- 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,093 and I've just been frustrated
- 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,970 because I didn't think of it first.
- 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,889 I want you to enjoy that money because you really impressed me
- 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:44,142 with your insight, and I'm proud to have you as a friend.
- 00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,147 You son of a bitch, Kyle!
- 00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,648 I hate you!
- 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,696 Great news, Stan. The Vatican is burning down!
- 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,239 Score one for us atheists!
- 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,366 Come on, Tweek, we're gonna go watch on TV!
- 00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:02,744 Burn it down!
- 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,748 Gone. It's all gone.
- 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,416 Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi.
- 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,169 You've killed our religion. - No, I didn't!
- 00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,671 All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.
- 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,883 You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about --
- 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,968 <i>this book.</i>
- 00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,554 <i>You see, these are just stories --</i>
- 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,139 <i>stories that are meant to help</i>
- 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,183 <i>guide people in the right direction.</i>
- 00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,644 Love your neighbor. Be a good person.
- 00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,312 <i>That's it.</i>
- 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,147 <i>And when you start turning the stories</i>
- 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,566 into literal translations of hierarchies and power,
- 00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:36,778 <i>well -- well, you end up with this.</i>
- 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,657 <i>People are losing faith because they don't see</i>
- 00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,784 <i>how what you've turned the religion into applies to them.</i>
- 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,703 <i>They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion,</i>
- 00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:48,957 <i>and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by,</i>
- 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,293 <i>they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!</i>
- 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,088 What was that last bit?
- 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,340 Look, I-I'm proud to be a Catholic.
- 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,550 But I am a Catholic in the <i>real</i> world --
- 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,302 in <i>today's</i> world.
- 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,137 It's time for you all to do that, too.
- 00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:06,683 It is time...for change.
- 00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,771 He's right, Sharon.
- 00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,982 We don't have to believe every word of the Bible.
- 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733 They're just stories to help us live by.
- 00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,860 We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible
- 00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:20,196 just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.
- 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:23,116 Oh, Randy, I don't want to put food up my butt anymore.
- 00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:26,369 Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.
- 00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,371 Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?
- 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,624 No...it means we <i>get</i> to, son.
- 00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:34,419 It means...we <i>get</i> to.
- 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:12,054 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,725 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,187 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,148 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:25,317 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,111 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪
- 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,071 ♪ Timmy, Timmy, liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪
- 00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:33,325 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:34,994 [ Organ plays ]
- 00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,371 Parents, it's that time of year again
- 00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,290 when the bishops and priests from around the country
- 00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:42,126 are organizing the Young Men's Catholic Retreat.
- 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:45,087 This year, we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip
- 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,591 to discuss Jesus' role as the navigator of our lives.
- 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:49,592 That sounds pretty fun.
- 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,053 A Catholic boat trip?
- 00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:55,473 [ "The Love Boat" theme music plays ]
- 00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:01,353 ♪ The Catholic Boat ♪
- 00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:06,108 ♪ Is gonna be heading on out today ♪
- 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,403 ♪ The Catholic Boat ♪
- 00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:14,116 ♪ Time to throw all of your cares away ♪
- 00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,286 ♪ Get some hot Christian action that'll take you -- ♪
- 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,122 [ Screaming ]
- 00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,794 Uh... [ Coughing ]
- 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,921 Excuse me.
- 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,007 Look, I just don't think it's the best idea
- 00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,593 to let our boys go on a <i>cruise</i> with the priest.
- 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,470 We can't let them go, can we?
- 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,097 There's no way my son's going.
- 00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:38,682 What are they talking about? - I don't know.
- 00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,017 Maybe they want to kill us!
- 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,894 With everything that's been in the news,
- 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,688 I think it's best we keep our kids far away from the priests.
- 00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,732 Now, come on, everybody. Just because a few priests
- 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,484 in the country have been corrupt,
- 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,277 it doesn't mean that <i>all</i> priests are child molesters.
- 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,822 Well, sure, that's easy for you to say -- Your son's dead.
- 00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,824 But those of us with <i>alive</i> children
- 00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,201 need to be sure that Father Maxi is on the up-and-up.
- 00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,411 I've heard about other towns bringing in counselors
- 00:01:59,537 --> 00:02:01,247 that know how to find things out from kids
- 00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:02,915 without really telling them what's going on.
- 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,250 It couldn't hurt.
- 00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:06,919 Shh! Shh! Here he comes. Here he comes.
- 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:10,422 [All whistling ]
- 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,842 Uh, goodbye, everyone.
- 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,718 [All ] Bye!
- 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:17,429 [ Whistling continues ]
- 00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:18,848 All right, then it's settled.
- 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,266 Tomorrow we'll find an outside counselor
- 00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,726 and find out the truth.
- 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,313 Hi, boys. My name is Mrs. Gorache,
- 00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,023 and I need to ask you a few questions
- 00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,692 about your priest, okay?
- 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,610 [All ] Okay. - Okay.
- 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:35,489 Would you say that Father Maxi is nice or mean?
- 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,283 Fine. Nice. - Cool.
- 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,951 Okay, what words would you use
- 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,995 to describe your church's priest?
- 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,789 Compassionate.
- 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:47,710 Okay, and did Father Maxi, at any time,
- 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,839 ever try to put something in your butt?
- 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,468 I-In our butt?
- 00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,095 You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed.
- 00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,515 Just did he ever try to put anything in your butt?
- 00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,603 Like money? What?
- 00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,021 You mean like a goldfish?
- 00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,565 No, no, did he ever try to put anything
- 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,318 that belonged to <i>him</i> in your butt?
- 00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:14,195 [All ] No.
- 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,531 This is ridiculous -- having to sit out here
- 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,367 waiting to find out if our priest molested our kids.
- 00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:23,037 Yeah, what has Catholicism come to, anyway?
- 00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:25,164 You know, I think we've just had it with the Church.
- 00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,416 All the horrible things they've done to kids.
- 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,418 I think I'm gonna become an atheist.
- 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,545 That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist, too.
- 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:32,880 Let's all be atheists.
- 00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,798 [All ] Yeah! - If there was a God,
- 00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:37,551 why would he let our kids be molested in the first place?
- 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,803 Yeah, let's kill God. Yeah!
- 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,097 Well, let's -- let's just be atheists.
- 00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,933 Same thing.
- 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,100 Yeah!
- 00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:47,394 [All shouting indistinctly ]
- 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,108 What would the priest...
- 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,569 possibly want to put in our butts?
- 00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,782 Maybe -- No.
- 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:00,950 Hey, dudes. - Hey.
- 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,284 Aah! - What are you guys doing?
- 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,994 We had to go meet with this counselor lady,
- 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,162 and she asked us if the priest
- 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,331 ever put anything in our butts.
- 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,666 In your butts?
- 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:10,125 Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?
- 00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,835 Why would he put anything in your butts?
- 00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:13,712 We don't know. That's what we're trying to figure out.
- 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,674 Hmm. - Hmm.
- 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,051 Hello, there, children.
- 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:22,221 Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
- 00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:23,722 Goodbye.
- 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,642 Ohh! Nobody's going to tell us!
- 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,477 This is gonna drive me insane! - Calm down, Tweek.
- 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,187 There has to be a rational explanation.
- 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,230 Oh, dude, I think I might have it.
- 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,731 What? - It makes perfect sense.
- 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,233 Okay, run with me on this.
- 00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,902 If you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?
- 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,612 Yeah. - All right.
- 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,447 Now, keep with me here. It gets a little complicated.
- 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,658 If you eat food and crap out your butt,
- 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,494 then maybe if you stuck food in your butt,
- 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,705 you would crap out your mouth.
- 00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:50,791 Hmm?
- 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,501 Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said...
- 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,295 this week. - Why? That's not dumb!
- 00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,255 Think about it! Food goes in the mouth, comes out the butt.
- 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,923 Food goes in the butt, comes out the mouth.
- 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,216 That's not dumb, that's genius.
- 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,218 It wouldn't work! - Have you ever tried it?
- 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,553 I don't need to. It wouldn't work!
- 00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,013 I'll bet you 20 bucks it'll work!
- 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,015 You're on, fat boy! - Okay, let's go, Jew!
- 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,435 [ Indistinct shouting ] Down with God!
- 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,104 Stan, you're an atheist now! - You too, Tweek.
- 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,606 [ Indistinct shouting ] Let's be atheists!
- 00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,108 I'm a what?
- 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,110 Fathers, I want to thank you all for coming.
- 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,029 No, thank you for finally organizing
- 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,905 an all-priest meeting, Father Maxi.
- 00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,575 I think we all agree something has to be done quickly.
- 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,452 Hear, hear! - It certainly does!
- 00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,203 Well, I don't know how it's been for all of you,
- 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,290 but attendance at my church in Fort Rollins is down 63%.
- 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,042 I'm down almost 70% in Greenleaf.
- 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,711 Yes, I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are,
- 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,504 we could lose our entire religion!
- 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,424 Yes! We've got to stop these boys from going to the public!
- 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,259 They've got to know to keep their mouths shut.
- 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,552 That's right! - Yep!
- 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,013 Right. And so -- W-Wait a minute. What?
- 00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,182 Yes, but we've got to find out <i>why</i> these children
- 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,683 are suddenly finding it necessary
- 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,393 to report that they're being molested.
- 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,937 Stop the problem at its source. - Yes, but how?
- 00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,481 Yeah! - I don't know what...
- 00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,232 Whoa, whoa! Hold on a second.
- 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,360 The problem is that children are being molested,
- 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,362 not that they're reporting it!
- 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,158 How do you mean?
- 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,952 Well, I mean, obviously what we need to put a stop to
- 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,412 is all the sexual misconduct
- 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,498 that is allowed to take place in our churches,
- 00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,500 not just tell the children not to tell anybody about it.
- 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,335 I mean, right?
- 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,670 Well, did any of the children you've molested come forward?
- 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,130 No! - That's good.
- 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,590 No, I mean, I never molested
- 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,300 any of the children in my church!
- 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,885 It's okay, Father Maxi.
- 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,179 We're all priests here. The doors are closed.
- 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264 For the love of God!
- 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,849 Are you all saying that you have engaged
- 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,435 in inappropriate relations with your altar boys?
- 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,605 We are here to bring the light of God, not harm the innocent!
- 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,609 [ Laughter ]
- 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,945 I'm serious!
- 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,364 Father, having sex with boys
- 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,574 is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
- 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:48,700 [All ] Yeah!
- 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,620 Dear God.
- 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,330 This problem is much more severe
- 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,207 than I could have possibly imagined.
- 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,836 I have to go to the Vatican and get help!
- 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,922 [ Grunting ]
- 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,134 Well, Cartman? - Hold on!
- 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,802 God, let a man crap!
- 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:12,057 [ Grunting ] What's going on? - Cartman shoved food up his ass.
- 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,350 And now he's trying to crap out his mouth.
- 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:14,351 Oh.
- 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,603 [ Grunting, gagging ]
- 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,689 Well, go on, smart ass, and do it!
- 00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275 I'm doing it a'eady! God, give me a minute!
- 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,193 You've had five, dude. - I can't --
- 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,487 I can't do it with you guys watching. Turn around.
- 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,822 No, because you'll just crap out your butt
- 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,657 and then say it came out your mouth!
- 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,326 Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you guys?
- 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,581 Oh, God damn it, you guys, I'm so seriously...
- 00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:37,249 [ Grunting ]
- 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,376 [ Gagging ]
- 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:42,671 Ahh!
- 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:43,839 [ Plunk ]
- 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,885 Get the fuck out of here.
- 00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:50,429 Yes! Yes, I did it!
- 00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,139 I crapped out my mouth!
- 00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:54,224 ♪ I crapped out my mouth ♪
- 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,768 You owe me 20 bucks, dick face!
- 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:02,774 Well, there you go. Uh...grazie.
- 00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:06,153 Wow. I'm actually here.
- 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,780 Vatican City!
- 00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:13,243 [ Choir singing in Latin ]
- 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,954 Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from America.
- 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,165 He has brought this all to our attention.
- 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,833 Your Holiness.
- 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,793 [ Groaning ]
- 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,048 Adoramus te, Christe.
- 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,343 [All ] Et dominus vivo.
- 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,012 Cardinals, bishops, and priests,
- 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,389 an American priest by the name of Maxi
- 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,684 has brought to our attention the most troubling of news.
- 00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,478 All over his country, there are reports
- 00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,773 of children being molested by men of the Church.
- 00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,816 If things continue this way,
- 00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,861 we'll never be able to have sex with young boys again!
- 00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,530 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,240 That's right. Wait -- What?!
- 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,909 In France, as well, we are finding it harder and harder
- 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,619 to make love to our boys.
- 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,996 In Morocco, they have arrested five of my priests.
- 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,666 It's only a matter of time before they get the rest of us.
- 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,961 Father Maxi, what do you suggest we do to not get caught?
- 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,546 Not get caught?! No!
- 00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,549 I think what we should do is not have sex with boys!
- 00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:11,051 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,344 It is not written anywhere
- 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,137 in the Holy Document of Vatican Law
- 00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,098 that sex with the boys is wrong.
- 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,516 Well, maybe we need to change
- 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,393 the Holy Document of Vatican Law.
- 00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,853 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:24,314 Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics,
- 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,275 it is obvious that the priest doesn't realize
- 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,611 that the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed!
- 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,863 Yeah! - He's right!
- 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,826 Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek Catholics,
- 00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,035 I believe we should move on
- 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,121 to other solutions to this problem!
- 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,415 [ Indistinct shouting ] Yeah!
- 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,917 Gelgameks?
- 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,587 [ Doorbell rings ]
- 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,463 Kyle, could you help me out?
- 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,007 I need some advice.
- 00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,426 What? - It's just that...
- 00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,304 I can't decide what to buy with <i>your</i> $20!
- 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,556 I was thinking of getting this Mega-Man racer for $19.95,
- 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,850 or I could get two Broncos' trading packs for $10 apiece.
- 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,685 And then I thought --
- 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,860 Oh, boy. Now that we're atheists,
- 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,194 we don't have to pray for our food.
- 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,697 That's right. Everyone just dig in.
- 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:16,408 So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
- 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,201 Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass
- 00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,286 and crapped out his mouth.
- 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,246 Stanley! - What? He did!
- 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,332 No, it doesn't work that way, son.
- 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:24,333 Yeah, it does.
- 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,459 No, it doesn't.
- 00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,878 Yeah. It <i>does.</i>
- 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,965 [ Grunts ]
- 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:36,386 [ Gagging ]
- 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:37,679 Ahh!
- 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,056 [ Gasps ]
- 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,975 Honey! Honey, come quick!
- 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,977 [ Bells tolling ]
- 00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:47,898 Look, people... I'm just trying to say
- 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:51,568 that if we don't change the Holy Document of Vatican Law,
- 00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,237 then we might lose everyone to atheism!
- 00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:57,032 What exactly do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?
- 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,451 Well, for one -- no sex with boys.
- 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,120 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,122 The Holy Document of Vatican Law states
- 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,583 that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot get married.
- 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,502 So where are we to get our sex?
- 00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:10,504 Well, then, perhaps we could change
- 00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:13,215 the Holy Document of Vatican Law to say that it's okay
- 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,758 for a priest or bishop or cardinal
- 00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:17,010 to have sex...with women.
- 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,222 [ Indistinct shouting ] Women?!
- 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,391 The Gelgamek vagina is 3 feet wide
- 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,267 and filled with razor-sharp teeth.
- 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:27,521 Do you really expect us to have sex with them?!
- 00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:30,732 O-- Okay, maybe we just need to forget
- 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,609 about the Gelgameks for a second and focus --
- 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,528 Forget about the Gelgameks?!
- 00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,196 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,490 I'm just saying what works on planet Gelgamek
- 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,033 isn't necessarily going to work
- 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,618 for the rest of us here on Earth.
- 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,454 You see? That's the problem we're having here.
- 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,999 But the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed!
- 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,292 Why not?
- 00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,129 Because we don't know where it is.
- 00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,924 You see, Father, the Holy Document of Vatican Law
- 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,759 has been hidden away deep in the catacombs
- 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,553 of St. Peter's below us...
- 00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,347 hidden away so that it can never be changed.
- 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,434 But if we locate it, we could make changes to it?
- 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,310 Ha! Good luck, Father!
- 00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,312 The Document is guarded by water lizards,
- 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,064 rattlesnakes, and sand traps.
- 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,025 The fools who tried before to recover it met their death!
- 00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,737 Well, we have to try. Our religion is dying!
- 00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:17,988 [ Door opens ]
- 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,115 You guys, you guys, look! - Aah!
- 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,242 I went down to the bank, and I got Kyle's $20 bill
- 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,411 turned into 20 single dollar bills!
- 00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:25,704 So? - So?!
- 00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,039 So now I can do this.
- 00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,541 Yes!
- 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,085 Yes, Kyle's money.
- 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,295 Mmm, Kyle's money.
- 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,671 Go fuck yourself, Cartman!
- 00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,174 Oh, it feels so good on my skin. Mmm.
- 00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,259 Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your ass!
- 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,469 Geez, Kyle, don't be a sore loser.
- 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,053 It's over, okay? I won. Let it go.
- 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:43,930 So, you crapped out of your mouth! Good for you!
- 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,308 It's still stupid and immature! - Dude, look!
- 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,851 <i>Our top story tonight --</i>
- 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,686 <i>The age-old question has been answered.</i>
- 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,230 <i>"If I put food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth?"</i>
- 00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,316 <i>All over the country, people are discovering that,</i>
- 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026 yes, in fact, you will!
- 00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,111 The surgeon general had this to say...
- 00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,071 "And the immediate research shows
- 00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,782 that the act is not only amusing,
- 00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,700 but, in fact, much healthier for our bodies
- 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,160 than the old way of eating.
- 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,037 You see, food entering through the anus
- 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,122 has the benefit of being broken down on its way to the stomach
- 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,540 rather than afterward.
- 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,417 And therefore, I believe that intero-rectogestion
- 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,503 would actually put a stop to high cholesterol
- 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,588 and most kinds of stomach cancers.
- 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,548 And I base that on absolutely nothing."
- 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,592 <i>The surgeon general's response has made Americans</i>
- 00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,844 <i>change their eating habits almost instantly.</i>
- 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,262 "That's stupid and immature, Cartman."
- 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,722 It <i>is</i> stupid and immature!
- 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,390 So you got people to crap out of their mouths!
- 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,850 What do you want, a freaking medal?
- 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,727 <i>The mayor of South Park has announced</i>
- 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,604 <i>that for first discovering this healthy way of eating,</i>
- 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,065 <i>young citizen Eric Cartman will be given a freaking medal!</i>
- 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,483 Aah!
- 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,654 <i>Back now with more on "Martha Stewart Living."</i>
- 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,906 In the past few days, we've all heard of the benefits
- 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,659 of intero-rectogestion, and so making foods
- 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,203 that can easily be inserted into the ass is essential.
- 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,704 Now, everyone knows that some foods
- 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:50,956 are simple to shove up the ass --
- 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,541 puddings, soups, raisins.
- 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,668 This is a nice raisin pudding right here.
- 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,545 But we can also still eat our favorite foods.
- 00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,046 What we're gonna do today
- 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,423 is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey for intero-recto.
- 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,634 Now, the key to shoving a Turkey up your ass
- 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,219 is first wrapping it in string,
- 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,137 keeping the pointy wings neatly at the side.
- 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,223 Mrs. Stewart, we have some questions.
- 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,268 Not right now. I just want to focus on my turkey right now.
- 00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,936 Now, we're going to baste the turkey
- 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,146 with lubricating gel rather than with juice.
- 00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,399 This will help smooth the insertion later on.
- 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,402 We still bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes a pound.
- 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,988 And when it's done, we'll get something like this.
- 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,114 So, now we're ready to go.
- 00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,740 Looks delicious. Let's try it out.
- 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,413 Ohh!
- 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,375 Ohh! Yeah, get it up there. Yeah.
- 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:39,087 Ugh! Yeah!
- 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,215 Ugh! Ahh!
- 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:45,218 Whew! And that is how you eat a turkey.
- 00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:48,263 We'll be right back with more.
- 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,182 [ Suspenseful music plays ]
- 00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,816 Prego! - [ Gasps ]
- 00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,359 Uh, hello.
- 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,529 My name is Father Maxi from the United States.
- 00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,532 What do you seek, Father? - I...
- 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,285 I'm trying to find the Holy Document of Vatican Law
- 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,537 so that we can make revisions to it.
- 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,874 That gospel lies somewhere beyond this door.
- 00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:19,169 But...many trials await thee inside.
- 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,963 Only he whose heart truly belongs to the Lord
- 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,507 shall make it through. - I have to try!
- 00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:25,884 Our religion is in trouble, and --
- 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,594 and that scroll may be our only hope!
- 00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,638 Then prepare yourself.
- 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,223 The time of trials begins.
- 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:35,060 Adoramus te, Christe!
- 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,606 [ Choir chanting in Latin ]
- 00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,441 I wish you luck, Father.
- 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:45,195 Use all the strength, agility, and faith that you have.
- 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529 Very well.
- 00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,989 Here we go.
- 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,535 [ "Pitfall!" music plays ]
- 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,127 [ Beeping ]
- 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,588 Hmm, there's a ladder up here.
- 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,840 Oh, my God, a rattlesnake!
- 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,760 A way back up!
- 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,931 [ Sighs ] I made it!
- 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,850 Praise be to God! He hath shown me the way!
- 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,103 This must be it...
- 00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,605 the Holy Document of Vatican Law.
- 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,357 [ Blows ]
- 00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,486 Well, Sharon and I are having a great time being atheists.
- 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,655 I, for one, can't believe I used to live my life
- 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,491 by what a very old and very fictional book used to say.
- 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,201 [ Laughter ]
- 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,953 Well, it's true. I mean, what do a bunch of stories
- 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,287 about people in robes slaughtering goats
- 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,956 have to do with today's world?
- 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,250 Atheism has definitely made <i>our</i> lives better.
- 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,752 I made some quesadillas if anybody wants some!
- 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:43,962 [All ] Ooh!
- 00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,255 And if anybody needs to potty,
- 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,423 there's a potty basket right here.
- 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:47,882 Oh, thanks, Sharon.
- 00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:49,342 You know, for Martha and I, we're worried
- 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,761 we might have a hard time raising our son atheist.
- 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,388 I mean -- Oh, thank you.
- 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,181 I mean, it could end up being very difficult
- 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,684 raising an atheist child in such a Christian society.
- 00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,894 [ Straining ] I feel like everywhere my poor son goes,
- 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,106 he's being persecuted for his beliefs.
- 00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,567 That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son to be atheist,
- 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,028 I don't want him saying "under God" every day at school.
- 00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:09,612 That could really damage him.
- 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:12,240 "Under God" should be taken out of the -- Excuse me.
- 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,784 [ Groaning ]
- 00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,079 "Under God" should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
- 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,581 That's right. I agree. - Yes.
- 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,332 And it should be taken off of money, as well.
- 00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,126 The religious right in this country
- 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,212 is trying to force our children to believe what they --
- 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,632 Ahh.
- 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,260 And we can't let the religious right corrupt our kids!
- 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,928 That's right. - That's right.
- 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:41,186 Cardinals, bishops, and priests, Father Maxi has returned!
- 00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,105 And he has the Holy Document of Vatican Law!
- 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,815 [All gasp ]
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,068 How did he make it past the water lizards?
- 00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,780 Yes, I have returned with the Holy Document of Vatican Law,
- 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,115 so can we <i>please</i> change it now
- 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,659 to say it's not okay to have sex with boys?
- 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:57,994 [ Tapping ]
- 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,120 Wait! Wait!
- 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,247 The Pope wants to say something!
- 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:08,671 The Pope says we shall ask the highest source!
- 00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,298 [All gasp ]
- 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,676 [All singing in Latin ]
- 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:20,016 Oh, my! [ Thunder crashes ]
- 00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,434 The holy one!
- 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:25,647 Behold the great Queen Spider!
- 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,857 [All ] Hail, Queen Spider.
- 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,067 Queen Spider?
- 00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,610 Oh, great Queen Spider,
- 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,195 we seek your guidance.
- 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,781 What do you ask of me?
- 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:38,326 Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican rules.
- 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,829 The Vatican rules cannot be changed.
- 00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580 So sayeth the spider.
- 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,166 Go on, Priest Maxi, see if you can convince her.
- 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,877 All right, that does it! I have had enough!
- 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:51,422 You people have completely lost touch with the outside world!
- 00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:54,134 You sit in this big room with your Gelgameks
- 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,718 and your Queen Spider, and none of it
- 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,887 applies to what being a Catholic is all about!
- 00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,473 But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that --
- 00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,268 To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican Law!
- 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:04,727 [ Gasping, rumbling ]
- 00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:08,148 [ Indistinct shouting, screaming ]
- 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,986 You guys, you guys!
- 00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:14,654 I took Kyle's $20 down to the bank again,
- 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,739 and I got it changed into quarters!
- 00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,575 So? - So <i>now</i> I can dump them
- 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,244 into this little pool and swim in them all day long!
- 00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,579 Yay!
- 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:25,123 Kyle's money.
- 00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,125 Cartman, there's something I need to tell you.
- 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,710 Ooh, what's that, Kyle?
- 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,837 You were totally, 100% right.
- 00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,672 [ Chuckles ] What?
- 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,465 You won the bet. You were totally accurate
- 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,800 about being able to crap out your mouth,
- 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,093 and I've just been frustrated
- 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,970 because I didn't think of it first.
- 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,889 I want you to enjoy that money because you really impressed me
- 00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:44,142 with your insight, and I'm proud to have you as a friend.
- 00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,147 You son of a bitch, Kyle!
- 00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,648 I hate you!
- 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:52,025 [Air hisses ]
- 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,110 [ Indistinct shouting ]
- 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,696 Great news, Stan. The Vatican is burning down!
- 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,239 Score one for us atheists!
- 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,366 Come on, Tweek, we're gonna go watch on TV!
- 00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:02,744 [ Indistinct shouting ] Burn it down!
- 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,748 Gone. It's all gone.
- 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,416 Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi.
- 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,169 You've killed our religion. - No, I didn't!
- 00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,671 All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules.
- 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,883 You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about --
- 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,968 <i>this book.</i>
- 00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,554 <i>You see, these are just stories --</i>
- 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,139 <i>stories that are meant to help</i>
- 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,183 <i>guide people in the right direction.</i>
- 00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,644 Love your neighbor. Be a good person.
- 00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,312 <i>That's it.</i>
- 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,147 <i>And when you start turning the stories</i>
- 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,566 into literal translations of hierarchies and power,
- 00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:36,778 <i>well -- well, you end up with this.</i>
- 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,657 <i>People are losing faith because they don't see</i>
- 00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,784 <i>how what you've turned the religion into applies to them.</i>
- 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,703 <i>They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion,</i>
- 00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:48,957 <i>and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by,</i>
- 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,293 <i>they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!</i>
- 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,088 What was that last bit?
- 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,340 Look, I-I'm proud to be a Catholic.
- 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,550 But I am a Catholic in the <i>real</i> world --
- 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,302 in <i>today's</i> world.
- 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,137 It's time for you all to do that, too.
- 00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:06,683 It is time...for change.
- 00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,771 He's right, Sharon.
- 00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,982 We don't have to believe every word of the Bible.
- 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733 They're just stories to help us live by.
- 00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,860 We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible
- 00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:20,196 just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.
- 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:23,116 Oh, Randy, I don't want to put food up my butt anymore.
- 00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:26,369 Gang, I think maybe we owe God an apology.
- 00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,371 Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?
- 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,624 No...it means we <i>get</i> to, son.
- 00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:34,419 It means...we <i>get</i> to.
- 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,797 [ Gagging ]
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