Спасём телятину

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♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

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♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

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♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

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♪ Timmy, Timmy,

liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪

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♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

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Okay, children.

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Step off the bus

and form a group

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next to the nice redneck --

I mean rancher.

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Hello, boys and girls.

My name is Rancher Bob.

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Let's all say hello

to Rancher Bob.

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Hi, Rancher Bob.

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I'm pleased to show you all

the wonderful world of beef.

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Follow me.

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City kids get to go to museums

for field trips.

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We get cow farms.

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Now, out here,

you can see our cattle.

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This is where the magic begins

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as the cows eat, sleep,

and prepare for certain death.

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They look so delicious.

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Now, here we have

the slaughterhouse.

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This is where we turn the cows

into steaks and burgers!

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Ew!

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Aw, dude!

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Anybody want a free sample?

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Me! Me! Me! Me!

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And in here, boys and girls,

we have our veal ranch.

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You see, with veal, the whole

key is keeping the cows chained

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so they can't walk around

or get any exercise.

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That way,

their muscle tissue stays soft

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and makes for tender veal.

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Wait a minute.

Veal is...little baby cows?

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Yepper!

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Then why the hell

do they call it "veal"?

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Well, if we called it

"little baby cow",

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people might not eat it.

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Yeah! I wouldn't have!

- Uh, me neither.

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Oh, man!

Look at that one!

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It looks delicious!

- What?

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Mmm.

Succulent and juicy.

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Can we have a free sample

of these, too?

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Well, no.

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But all these veals are going

to the slaughterhouse

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tomorrow morning.

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They'll be steaks

by the afternoon,

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and then you can buy them

at your grocery store.

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All right!

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Tomorrow morning?

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Dude, we got to help them.

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Yeah.

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Psst! Cartman.

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No! Uncle Jesse!

No!

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Cartman, wake up!

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What? What the hell

are you guys doing?

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Come on! We got to go!

- Where are we going?

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We're gonna go save

the little baby cows, fat ass.

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What? Why?

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'Cause they're gonna get

slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!

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So?

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So we can't let 'em die,

douchebag.

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You're our friend.

Now, come help us.

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Well, in the last 3.2 seconds,

you've called me "fat ass",

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"butthole", and "douchebag".

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I really don't feel much

like you guys' friend.

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We're sorry.

You are our friend.

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We need you to help us

because friends stick together.

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Wait.

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I thought you said we needed him

because he has

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the "Mission: Impossible

Breaking-and-Entering Playset".

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Damn it, Butters.

Will you shut up?

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Oh-ho!

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So you need me

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and my "Mission: Impossible

Breaking-and-Entering Playset".

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Yes, we do.

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We're those little baby cows'

only hope.

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Will you help us?

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Yes.

Yes, I will.

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If Kyle will kiss my black ass.

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What?!

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Just give it a little kiss,

and I'll help.

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Screw you, Cartman!

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Okay, but if you want my help,

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you have to give it

just a little kiss.

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Kiss it.

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Go on, dude. It's the only way.

- No!

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Kiss it.

Come on. Kiss it!

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Just do it really fast,

and we can go.

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Have Butters kiss it.

- No. It has to be Kyle.

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Aah!

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Oh, man!

That was so awesome!

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Sick!

I felt it on my face!

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Okay. Very funny, Cartman.

Now, come on.

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I'm not going with you.

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Aah!

- Hey!

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I don't know about this, fellas.

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It says right here

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on the "Mission: Impossible

Breaking-and-Entering Playset"--

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"Not for actual breaking

and entering.

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Breaking and entering

is a crime."

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Well, killing little helpless

baby cows

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should be a crime, too.

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How does this thing work,

Cartman?

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Jesus.

Don't you guys have any toys?

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First you put on

the black ski mask

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and use the torch

to cut a hole in the roof.

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Okay.

That's far enough.

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- I'm going to go delta.

- You have to talk louder!

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I forgot the AA batteries

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for the Super Talk Play-Action

headset.

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I said that's far enough!

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Don't be scared,

little baby cow.

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We're here to set you loose.

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There you go.

You're free!

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Run away!

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Go!

They're gonna murder you!

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Stan, could you hurry it up?

I'm freezing my ass off.

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You need to freeze

some of your ass off.

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At least I have an ass, Jew!

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What?

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Come on, you stupid baby cows!

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You have to get out of here!

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What's the matter?

- They aren't leaving!

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See? Maybe they want to become

sweet, juicy veal steaks.

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Hey, they've never been allowed

to walk before.

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They just don't know how!

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Oh, yeah.

They're too weak to move.

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We've got to get them

out of here.

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We'll keep them

at Butters' house

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until they can get

their strength back.

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No, no, no, no, no!

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I can't bring calves

into my house.

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I'll get grounded.

- Okay. Fine, Butters.

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I guess you're not

a team player.

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We'll bring them to my house.

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Dude, how are we gonna move

23 calves to your house?

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I don't know.

- I've got it!

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We could kill Butters

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and then float the calves

on a river of blood.

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Don't be stupid, Cartman!

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Butters doesn't have

that much blood in him.

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Yeah!

I do too!

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We're just gonna have to

carry them one by one.

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Come on, you guys.

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Check it out, you guys.

I'm calf curling.

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Man, these calves

smell like crap.

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I don't see how you're gonna

hide them much longer.

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We won't have to.

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Butters said he had something

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that makes baby cows strong

again.

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He's bringing it over.

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Butters had that at his house?

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Hey, fellas!

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Butters, did you bring it?

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I sure did!

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We'll have those poor

baby cows in shape in no time!

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All right!

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"Suzanne Somers Calf Exerciser".

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What?

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"Makes your calves stronger

in just two days."

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Oh, God damn it!

That's your plan?

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You think it's a gimmick?

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Suzanne promises

right on the box that it works.

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Hello, Mrs. Marsh!

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Officer Barbrady.

What can I do for you?

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Well, we've got

a little problem.

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Jed here caught your boy

and his friends

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trespassing on his ranch.

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They stole some of his property.

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Stole?

A-Are you sure?

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I followed a calf-curling trail

right to your house, ma'am.

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Ooh, Stan's in trouble!

Let me kick his ass, Mom!

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N-Now, my son is not a thief.

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I'm sure this is just

some kind of misunderstanding.

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Stanley, did you see --

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Oh, crap!

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Stanley, what are you doing

with those calves?

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That asshole was gonna kill them

and feed them to people!

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Stanley, they belong to him.

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They don't belong to anybody!

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Please, Mom!

We don't want these cows to die!

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Let me hit him, Mom!

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Stanley, this isn't up

for discussion.

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The rancher is going to take

his cows back,

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and you don't have a choice.

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Stanley!

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Stanley, open this door right

now, or you're gonna get it!

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No!

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Stan, you're behaving

like a kid.

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You're the ones

who made me eat veal

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without telling me what it was!

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You're the ones who knew

00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,969

we were making

little baby animals suffer!

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Open this door now!

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Kiss my ass!

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Oh, geez.

He said "ass" to his parents.

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You're getting in

pretty deep, dude.

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I apologize for this,

Mister rancher person.

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Why don't you just tell them

that the cows will be safe?

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And when they come out,

I can take 'em back.

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I can't lie to my son, okay?

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If I betrayed him like that, I'd

pay for it the rest of my life.

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Well, that's just too bad!

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Look, that's $800

worth of veal up there,

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and I have to ship it out

Friday!

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What are you going to do,

Officer Barbrady?

00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,871

Me?

How'd I get into this mess?

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So, what happens now?

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I'm gonna lock myself in here

with these cows

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until we have a guarantee

of their safety in writing.

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We're with you, dude.

- Yeah!

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Don't be so sure.

00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,257

Because I'm gonna tell you --

This is gonna get ugly.

00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,341

Real ugly.

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When all is said and done,

you could all be looking

00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,471

at being grounded for three,

perhaps even four weeks.

00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,890

So if any of you guys want out,

just say the word now.

00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:54,391

I want out.

- Shut up, Cartman.

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We're with you, Stan.

- Yeah.

00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,811

We can't let

those little baby cows down.

00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,396

They've got no one else

to turn to.

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Then it's settled.

One for all and all for one!

00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:02,274

Except Cartman.

00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:02,858

Yeah!

- Yeah!

00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,151

Yeah!

Wait. What?

00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,198

And so that's the situation.

00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,241

Our boys have locked themselves

in Stan's room

00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,577

until we can promise the calves

will live free, in writing.

00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,120

Well, this is ridiculous.

00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,747

I don't know how you raise

your kids,

00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:19,291

but my son does not play

negotiator with me!

00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,375

Well, excuse me, Sheila,

00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,710

but it wasn't that simple.

- Ha!

00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:25,464

Give me 15 seconds with Kyle,

and I'll have that door open.

00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,884

Kyle, this is your mother!

00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,386

You will open this door

right now!

00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:32,513

No, I won't.

00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,389

Yes.

I see what you mean, Sheila.

00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:35,474

That was very impressive.

00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,267

Kyle, if you don't do

as you're told,

00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,269

I'm going to be very angry!

00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,480

Well, you made me eat veal

and didn't tell me what it was!

00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:45,025

So go ahead and be angry,

you baby-cow-killing bitch!

00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,026

Very persuasive.

00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,278

Aah! Open this door!

Open this door!

00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,947

Oh, let -- let me try.

00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:51,490

Butters?

00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,325

Butters, this is your father.

00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,202

Oh, sweet Jesus.

What do I do?

00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:56,995

Be strong, Butters.

You knew it would come to this.

00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,580

Butters, answer me.

00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,332

But -- But Dad's a-angry at me.

00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,167

Don't panic.

I'll tell you what to say.

00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:03,794

Butters, right now!

00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:07,047

Dad, uh, why don't you

suck my fat one?

00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,924

What?!

- Oh, sweet Jesus.

00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,634

What's gotten into them?

- All right, Stanley.

00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:13,053

This has gone on long enough.

Your little game is over!

00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,096

This isn't a game, Mom.

00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,348

We're not coming out until we

know the calves will be safe.

00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:17,266

Well, that's fine.

00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,309

You boys can just stay in there

and starve to death.

00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,728

Us parents are going to go

to Pizza Shack

00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,814

and have pepperoni pizzas

and ice cream.

00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:25,941

Oh, God damn it, you guys.

00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,568

Cartman, stay away

from that door!

00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,736

You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys.

00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,656

The longer you wait,

the more trouble you'll be in.

00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,242

Aah!

00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,452

Round one is over.

We made it.

00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,371

We didn't make it.

Your mom is right, douchebag.

00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:40,998

What are we gonna do,

stay in here until we starve?

00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,291

Our parents would never

let us starve.

00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,167

They're bluffing.

This is a battle of wills.

00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,919

If we hold out long enough,

they'll give in.

00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,337

But we will have to sleep, dude.

00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:49,047

Three of us can sleep

while one keeps watch.

00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,465

We'll shift

every couple of hours.

00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,051

Hey, this is gonna be

just like Vietnam, huh, fellas?

00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:53,885

Whoopie!

00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,596

We'll stay in this room

with these baby cows

00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,514

for as long as it takes!

00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,690

Well, we tried everything.

00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:09,234

We can't get through the door

without tearing apart the house.

00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,486

Dear God!

It's been over 13 hours.

00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:14,239

Oh, but my poor little poopsie

must be getting so hungry.

00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:15,866

Maybe we should get them

a little food.

00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:17,743

Ms. Cartman,

this is a battle of will.

00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,412

We need our boys to know that

we're not gonna cave in at all.

00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,788

Oh, all right.

00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,915

Let's just go to bed and

let them play their little game

00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:25,167

for as long as they can.

00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,504

Good night, fellas!

- Good night.

00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,423

Good night, Patches.

Good night, Halloway.

00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,258

Good night, Neptune.

Good night, Davis.

00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,426

Good night, Bud.

00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,136

Good night, Red.

Good night, Paulette.

00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,387

Good night, Chastity.

00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:40,390

Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again.

00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,191

Can't go on.

00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,567

Need...food.

00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,903

I didn't realize hunger

made you feel so bad.

00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,488

There's only one alternative,

you guys.

00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:55,906

We're gonna have to eat a calf.

00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:57,574

No, Cartman,

we're not eating a calf.

00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,077

All right! Then we're gonna

have to eat Butters.

00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,244

He might be right, dude.

00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:02,287

Aw, heck.

00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,831

Wait.

What is that?

00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,458

Dude!

- Food!

00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,127

Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?

00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,630

Ooh, I just can't stand

to see my baby suffer.

00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,840

Oh, dear God.

You've ruined everything!

00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:14,591

All right!

00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:16,301

See?

Now we can hold out for weeks!

00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,053

Look, you guys!

Beef jerky!

00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,138

- Yeah! And fried chicken!

- Wha--?

00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,348

- Mmm!

- Mmm!

00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:22,974

Dude, what are you guys doing?

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,351

We're eating, dude.

00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:25,519

You're eating meat!

00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:27,437

What the hell do you think

we're doing all this for?

00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,648

Hey, I'm doing it

to save little baby cows.

00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:31,316

I'm not gonna stop eating meat

altogether.

00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,442

- Me neither.

- Yeah.

00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,277

If you don't eat meat at all,

you become a pussy.

00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,238

That's fine.

You guys can live off of flesh.

00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,698

But I'm never eating meat again.

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,157

Go ahead.

That's more for us.

00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:40,742

You want some beef jerky, buddy?

00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:41,827

Yes.

Who's your buddy?

00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:43,328

Who's hungry?

Who's a hungry man?

00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,706

Dude, that's messed up.

00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,716

You guys, check this out!

00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,384

Tom, I'm standing

in front of the house

00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,679

where four insane boy terrorists

have barricaded themselves

00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,515

inside a room

with 23 live infant cattle.

00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,599

Hey, look!

00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:07,144

Some other kids are doing

the same thing we are!

00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,479

Several attempts

to break into the room

00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,274

have proven unsuccessful, Tom,

and the crisis is intensifying.

00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,900

Here's what some people

had to say.

00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,318

We were just sleeping,

00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:17,070

when suddenly we heard

all the commotion.

00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,072

I mean, to think

this could happen right here

00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,615

in our own community.

00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,576

We gave those kids everything,

00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:25,036

and they turned into

little John Walkers.

00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,747

The police chief of South Park

00:12:26,872 --> 00:12:29,416

says that there will be no

negotiations with terrorists.

00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:31,835

Oh, no. This is big-time

trouble now, fellas.

00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,420

No.

This is exactly what we wanted.

00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,130

It is?

- Yes. Don't you see?

00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,757

This validates everything

that we're doing.

00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:37,758

If we're making the news,

00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,092

this is obviously important

to people.

00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,052

Tom, it looks like

I have an update.

00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:43,305

Yes, it looks like

the boy-terrorist story

00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,599

is not interesting news

to anyone.

00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,476

Uh, nothing else

was going on, Tom,

00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,728

so this was the only story

we had to make seem important,

00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,480

but people are just simply

tuning out.

00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,690

So HBC will now be

switching programming

00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:56,985

once again to

"Puppies From Around the World"!

00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:16,588

I don't believe it.

00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,424

The Chinese puppy is my favorite

so far!

00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:27,516

Butters?

00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,309

B-Butters, you have your arm

around me!

00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,311

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were Mr. Pickles.

00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,396

♪ We must help the helpless ♪

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,690

♪ We must save the unsaved ♪

00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:36,817

What the hell is that?

00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:38,819

♪ For if we fight together ♪

00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,779

♪ We can make sure

the road is paved ♪

00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,906

♪ For a brighter tomorrow... ♪

00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:44,658

Hippies!

- What are they doing here?

00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:45,867

We are with you, boys!

00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,578

Your message is real

and your fight is just!

00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,123

Dude, those gaywads

are on our side?

00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,875

Ew!

They're all dirty.

00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:54,960

What did I tell you, Stan?

00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,545

We saved some baby cows

from being eaten,

00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:59,464

and now we're no-good,

dirty Goddamn hippies!

00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,385

Tom, the calf-terrorist standoff continues,

00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:08,181

as now members of the FBI arrive

to put an end to the conflict.

00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,474

Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:10,934

Who's in charge here?

00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,644

I am.

But I don't want to be.

00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:13,854

Where's the negotiator?

00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:16,398

Right here --

Glen Dumont, negotiator squad.

00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,691

All right.

See what you can do.

00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:21,820

- Dude, are you okay?

- Oh, I just feel so run down.

00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:22,821

I don't know what's wrong

with me.

00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,031

- I've got these sores.

- What is that?

00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:26,700

- Dude, maybe we should end this.

- No!

00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,369

Get me a hard line to the phone

in that house.

00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,495

The terrorists already said

00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,247

there's no way

they're coming out.

00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,748

Don't worry.

I'm a negotiator.

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,333

It's my job to talk

to freaks like this

00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,960

and bring about

a peaceful resolution

00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,920

using clever psychology.

00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,006

Hello?

00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:43,633

Hello. My name is Mike.

I'm a negotiator.

00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,218

Is it okay if I talk to you?

00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:46,928

Uh, hold on.

It's some negotiator named Mike.

00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,471

What do I do?

- Don't give him anything!

00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:50,390

What do I say?

- Aw, give me that.

00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:51,641

Talk to me, Mike.

00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,935

I'm here to make sure

we can all end this peacefully.

00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,228

You want that, right?

00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,479

Sure, sure.

00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:57,731

How about we make a trade

00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,524

just to show

that we can trust each other?

00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:00,609

What'd you have in mind?

00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,445

Well, how about you send out

one of the calves?

00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,363

Oh, Mike. You're breaking

my balls here, Mike.

00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,823

Just one.

That's all we want.

00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,074

All right.

How about this?

00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:09,826

You guys have all the leverage,

and we have nothing.

00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:11,369

So how about we give you

one calf --

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,287

Cartman, no!

- Dude!

00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,121

It's cool.

00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,290

We'll give you one calf

if you'll give us

00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,958

some guns and ammunition

of our own.

00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,418

What?

I-I can't do that!

00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:19,711

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought we were talking here.

00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:20,962

But I guess you're not

talking to me. Goodbye.

00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,672

No, no. Wait.

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,841

Y-You're right. What reason

do you have to trust me?

00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:27,135

I'm just a guy from Lakewood

trying to make ends meet.

00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,970

Just a blue-collar guy

like your dad.

00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,597

Don't have a dad, Mike.

That's not gonna work.

00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:34,267

Oh. All right. Some guns.

I'll see what I can do.

00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,145

Okay.

Up a little.

00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,856

Left a little.

Almost there.

00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:40,857

What is that?

00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:43,443

We're giving the boys some guns

in return for a calf.

00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,320

What?

- You're giving my baby guns?

00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,572

Hey, this is a negotiation

process, okay?

00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,324

Did you people go

to negotiator school?

00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,492

No, you didn't!

00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,243

Get 'em on the line for me.

00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,995

Hello?

00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,039

Okay. You see that?

I keep my end of the bargain.

00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,124

All right. We'll keep ours.

We'll send out one calf.

00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,585

Well, h-how about you send out

two calves?

00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:03,088

Oh, Jesus! There's just no

talking to you, is there, Mike?

00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,091

We had a deal.

Do you think I'm stupid?

00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:07,425

Don't treat me

like I'm stupid here!

00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,510

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:09,678

Damn it!

I'm losing them!

00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,930

Okay. I'm sorry.

Just send out one calf.

00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:14,140

Oh, no, no, no. Now you're gonna

have to get us something else.

00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:15,225

What'd you have in mind?

00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,896

A little to the left.

00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,565

Okay. That's good.

A little to the right.

00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:23,984

You're giving them a missile?!

00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,986

Stand down, ma'am!

Stand down!

00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:28,571

This is a delicate process.

I've almost earned their trust.

00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,490

Stan's getting worse, you guys.

00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,326

Mike. Babe.

- How we doing?

00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,577

We got a real sick kid here,

Mike.

00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:35,787

Did you get the other things

for us?

00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,956

I-I did manage to get the FDA

00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:41,543

to officially change the word

"veal" to "tortured baby cow."

00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,377

Good. Good.

00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,754

But I couldn't get you

North and South Dakota.

00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,007

Oh, Mike.

Breaking my balls, Mike.

00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:49,342

Now -- Now, please, can --

Can we get you to come out?

00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,555

All right.

Everything has worked out.

00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,265

The boys have promised

to come out

00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:56,683

and bring the cows out

with them.

00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:58,143

All right!

- Whoo-hoo!

00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,937

I'm sorry I doubted

your abilities, Mr. Negotiator.

00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,647

They're coming out now?

- Yes.

00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,232

All we need to do in return

is get

00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,651

a cattle-transporting semitruck

that will take the boys

00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,236

and the cattle

to Denver International Airport,

00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:09,738

where we will have

a fully gassed airplane

00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,322

waiting to take them all

to Mexico.

00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:11,990

What?

00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,200

And they want the guy that

plays Mr. Worf on "Star Trek"

00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:16,786

to drive the truck --

in full makeup.

00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,163

Jesus Christ!

00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,372

All right.

That does it!

00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,499

You are, in fact,

the worst negotiator

00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,168

I've ever seen in action!

00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,711

All right. All right.

I'll give you that.

00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,921

But in return,

I want three staples.

00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:27,922

Get out of here!

00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,174

We'll get them the semi,

00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:31,176

and we'll get them the Worf guy

from "Star Trek."

00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:34,054

If they see that, they'll come

out, and then we can take them.

00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:35,430

But isn't that dishonest?

00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,431

Maybe so.

00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:37,932

But if we don't do something

soon,

00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,893

there could be 50,

even 60 people

00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,770

who'll have to go without veal

for dinner.

00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:44,397

Are you prepared

to let that happen?

00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,072

All right.

Where is Mr. Dorn?

00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,782

I was woken up

at 3:00 in the morning,

00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,784

told I had to put on makeup

and come to this town.

00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:56,910

What the hell is going on?

00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,912

I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn.

It's FBI business.

00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,331

We've got terrorists making

demands, and we need your help.

00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:02,916

This is highly unusual.

00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,209

All right, boys.

We have your truck.

00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,878

And we have an airplane on the

tarmac at Denver International.

00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:07,879

And Worf?

00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,091

My name is Michael Dorn.

I play a character called Worf.

00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:12,258

Stan, it worked!

00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:13,510

It did?

00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:15,637

They got us a truck

and an airplane and Mr. Worf!

00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,305

The calves are gonna be okay!

00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,599

Pick me up.

I-I want to see.

00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,899

Step back!

Tell those men to step back!

00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,400

Do it!

00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,366

Aw, shut up,

you friggin' hippies.

00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:39,035

All right, Mr. Worf.

00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,370

Start the engine

and put her in gear.

00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:42,455

Oh, and you must refer to me

as "Captain".

00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:44,124

Where am I supposed to drive to?

00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:45,208

No, see, you must say,

00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,043

"Captain, where am I supposed to

drive to?"

00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,171

Captain, where am I

supposed to drive to?

00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,965

You're going to back the truck

up to the door

00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:53,383

so we can safely load in

the calves.

00:18:53,508 --> 00:18:54,843

This whole thing is ridiculous.

00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,220

"Captain, this whole thing

is ridiculous."

00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,848

Captain, this whole thing

is ridiculous.

00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:04,310

Okay!

All set!

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:05,979

Tom, it looks as though the terrorists

00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:09,149

are now loading the baby cows

into the back of a semi.

00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,734

This is still

very uninteresting news, Tom.

00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:12,861

Okay, Cartman!

00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,904

Step on it, Mr. Worf!

00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,447

All right!

00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,782

We're going!

00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,117

Mexico, here we come!

00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:25,874

Wait a minute.

They're following us!

00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,250

Full speed, Mr. Worf!

00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,711

We cannot keep going fast

on these icy roads.

00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,338

"Captain, we cannot keep

going fast on these icy roads."

00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,216

Captain, we cannot keep

going fast on these icy roads.

00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:36,217

All right, Mr. Worf.

00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,260

Then reduce speed to 45

00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:39,095

but maintain distance

from those police cruisers.

00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,056

Stan, we're almost there.

You've got to hold on.

00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,810

All right. They're in front

of the cattle ranch.

00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,020

Hit it!

00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,568

Oh, it's a double cross!

00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,403

All right, boys.

The game is over.

00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,030

Get out of the truck

with your hands up.

00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,115

Oh, no.

No!

00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,950

What are you waiting for?

Go kill them, Worf!

00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:02,535

I'm not killing anybody.

00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,787

Some goddamn Klingon you are.

00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,670

We're sorry, cows.

We tried. We tried.

00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:13,671

All right, boys.

00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,882

Just stay right there

until your parents arrive.

00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:16,799

Can I go now?

00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:20,511

Here you go, Mr. Rancher.

I got your cattle back for you!

00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,764

Oh.

Well, it doesn't matter now.

00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:23,765

What do you mean?

00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,433

In the 24 hours

since the word "veal"

00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,019

was officially changed

to "little tortured baby cow,"

00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,562

the market has gone dry.

00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,522

Seems when people see

"little tortured baby cow"

00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,358

on their menus,

they don't feel like ordering.

00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:34,025

Really?

00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:35,693

Damn things ain't worth spit

now.

00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,403

I'll let 'em live outside

with the other cows

00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:38,571

and live a normal life.

00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:39,948

You hear that, Stan?

It worked!

00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,116

We've shut down

the veal industry!

00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:43,326

Stan?

00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:44,744

Stan?

00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,081

He's very lucky you got him here

when you did.

00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:50,541

He was in a very advanced state

of vaginitis.

00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:51,876

Vaginitis?

00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:54,045

It occurs when a person

stops eating meat.

00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:56,464

Those sores on his skin

were actually small vaginas.

00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:57,966

If we hadn't stopped it in time,

00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,592

Stan would've eventually

just become

00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:01,511

one great big, giant pussy.

00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:02,637

Whoa, dude.

00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:04,305

We've got an I.V.

of pure beef blood

00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,683

pumping into Stan's veins,

and the sores are fading.

00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:08,309

Thank God we stopped it in time.

00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:09,769

Well, I guess

we learned something today.

00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:10,853

It's wrong to eat veal

00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:12,647

because the animals

are so horribly mistreated.

00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,108

But if you don't eat meat at

all, you break out in vaginas.

00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,025

Hear, hear.

00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:17,777

All right, boys.

It's time to go home.

00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,988

You've got some serious

grounding time to start.

00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:22,198

I'll say!

- Aw, we're still grounded?

00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:24,826

But -- But we -- we learned

things and took up a cause.

00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,036

Yes, Kyle, but you still

defied your parents.

00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,039

And you need to learn that

terrorism is never the answer.

00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:32,333

That's right. Let's get

these terrorists to their rooms.

00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:35,086

But first maybe we can grab

some burgers.

00:21:35,211 --> 00:21:36,546

Alright!!

00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:14,140

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,641

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:18,602

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,021

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:22,064

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:25,317

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,153

♪ Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy ♪

00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,071

♪ Timmy, Timmy,

liv-a-la, Timmy! ♪

00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:32,575

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:36,787

Okay, children.

00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,289

Step off the bus

and form a group

00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:40,583

next to the nice redneck --

I mean rancher.

00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:43,335

Hello, boys and girls.

My name is Rancher Bob.

00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:44,962

Let's all say hello

to Rancher Bob.

00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:46,547

[All ]

Hi, Rancher Bob.

00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:49,133

I'm pleased to show you all

the wonderful world of beef.

00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:50,509

Follow me.

00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,762

City kids get to go to museums

for field trips.

00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:53,929

We get cow farms.

00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:55,806

Now, out here,

you can see our cattle.

00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:57,391

This is where the magic begins

00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,644

as the cows eat, sleep,

and prepare for certain death.

00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,190

They look so delicious.

00:01:04,315 --> 00:01:06,358

Now, here we have

the slaughterhouse.

00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:09,779

This is where we turn the cows

into steaks and burgers!

00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:10,738

[All ]

Ew!

00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:11,739

Aw, dude!

00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:13,616

Anybody want a free sample?

00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:14,784

Me! Me! Me! Me!

00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:18,662

And in here, boys and girls,

we have our veal ranch.

00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:21,457

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,214

[ Calves mooing softly ]

00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:31,258

You see, with veal, the whole

key is keeping the cows chained

00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:33,427

so they can't walk around

or get any exercise.

00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,638

That way,

their muscle tissue stays soft

00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,556

and makes for tender veal.

00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:40,851

Wait a minute.

Veal is...little baby cows?

00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:41,852

Yepper!

00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,521

Then why the hell

do they call it "veal"?

00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,189

Well, if we called it

"little baby cow",

00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:46,315

people might not eat it.

00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,234

Yeah! I wouldn't have!

- Uh, me neither.

00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:49,693

Oh, man!

Look at that one!

00:01:49,819 --> 00:01:51,987

It looks delicious!

- What?

00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:53,447

Mmm.

Succulent and juicy.

00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,032

Can we have a free sample

of these, too?

00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:55,991

Well, no.

00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,244

But all these veals are going

to the slaughterhouse

00:01:58,369 --> 00:01:59,078

tomorrow morning.

00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,412

They'll be steaks

by the afternoon,

00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:02,206

and then you can buy them

at your grocery store.

00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,207

All right!

00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:04,458

Tomorrow morning?

00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,794

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:09,463

Dude, we got to help them.

00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:10,464

Yeah.

00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:16,762

[ Knocking ]

00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,139

Psst! Cartman.

00:02:18,264 --> 00:02:19,890

No! Uncle Jesse!

No!

00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:20,933

Cartman, wake up!

00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,893

What? What the hell

are you guys doing?

00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:24,895

Come on! We got to go!

- Where are we going?

00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,981

We're gonna go save

the little baby cows, fat ass.

00:02:27,106 --> 00:02:27,815

What? Why?

00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:29,525

'Cause they're gonna get

slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!

00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:30,276

So?

00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:31,443

So we can't let 'em die,

douchebag.

00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:32,903

You're our friend.

Now, come help us.

00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:36,073

Well, in the last 3.2 seconds,

you've called me "fat ass",

00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:37,324

"butthole", and "douchebag".

00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,410

I really don't feel much

like you guys' friend.

00:02:39,535 --> 00:02:40,995

We're sorry.

You are our friend.

00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,205

We need you to help us

because friends stick together.

00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:43,831

Wait.

00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,583

I thought you said we needed him

because he has

00:02:45,708 --> 00:02:47,918

the "Mission: Impossible

Breaking-and-Entering Playset".

00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:49,545

Damn it, Butters.

Will you shut up?

00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:50,462

Oh-ho!

00:02:50,588 --> 00:02:51,463

So you need me

00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:53,591

and my "Mission: Impossible

Breaking-and-Entering Playset".

00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:54,758

Yes, we do.

00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:56,343

We're those little baby cows'

only hope.

00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,344

Will you help us?

00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,305

Yes.

Yes, I will.

00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:00,931

If Kyle will kiss my black ass.

00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:01,849

What?!

00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,601

Just give it a little kiss,

and I'll help.

00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:04,602

Screw you, Cartman!

00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:05,769

Okay, but if you want my help,

00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:07,229

you have to give it

just a little kiss.

00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,063

Kiss it.

00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:09,732

Go on, dude. It's the only way.

- No!

00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,150

Kiss it.

Come on. Kiss it!

00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:12,693

Just do it really fast,

and we can go.

00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:15,112

Have Butters kiss it.

- No. It has to be Kyle.

00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:17,406

[ Insects chirping ]

00:03:20,326 --> 00:03:21,243

[ Farts ]

00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:22,077

Aah!

00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,204

[ Laughs ]

00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:25,414

Oh, man!

That was so awesome!

00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,458

Sick!

I felt it on my face!

00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,084

Okay. Very funny, Cartman.

Now, come on.

00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,628

I'm not going with you.

00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:32,630

Aah!

- Hey!

00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:35,299

[ Spy music plays ]

00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,551

I don't know about this, fellas.

00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:38,385

It says right here

00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,387

on the "Mission: Impossible

Breaking-and-Entering Playset"--

00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:42,806

"Not for actual breaking

and entering.

00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:44,725

Breaking and entering

is a crime."

00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,185

Well, killing little helpless

baby cows

00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:47,186

should be a crime, too.

00:03:47,311 --> 00:03:48,395

How does this thing work,

Cartman?

00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,147

Jesus.

Don't you guys have any toys?

00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,899

First you put on

the black ski mask

00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:54,860

and use the torch

to cut a hole in the roof.

00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:57,196

[ Hissing ]

00:03:57,321 --> 00:04:00,950

[ Spy music continues ]

00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,535

[ Calves mooing softly ]

00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,120

Okay.

That's far enough.

00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,039

- I'm going to go delta.

- You have to talk louder!

00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,123

I forgot the AA batteries

00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:09,708

for the Super Talk Play-Action

headset.

00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,543

I said that's far enough!

00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,297

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,632

[ Moos ]

00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,259

Don't be scared,

little baby cow.

00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:20,344

We're here to set you loose.

00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,012

There you go.

You're free!

00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:24,056

Run away!

00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:25,766

Go!

They're gonna murder you!

00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:28,143

Stan, could you hurry it up?

I'm freezing my ass off.

00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:29,812

You need to freeze

some of your ass off.

00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,563

At least I have an ass, Jew!

00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:32,523

What?

00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:36,652

Come on, you stupid baby cows!

00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:38,904

You have to get out of here!

00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,406

[ Insects chirping ]

00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,658

What's the matter?

- They aren't leaving!

00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,619

See? Maybe they want to become

sweet, juicy veal steaks.

00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,538

Hey, they've never been allowed

to walk before.

00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:48,622

They just don't know how!

00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,791

Oh, yeah.

They're too weak to move.

00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,251

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,419

We've got to get them

out of here.

00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:54,545

We'll keep them

at Butters' house

00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:55,754

until they can get

their strength back.

00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,131

No, no, no, no, no!

00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,590

I can't bring calves

into my house.

00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,384

I'll get grounded.

- Okay. Fine, Butters.

00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:01,677

I guess you're not

a team player.

00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:02,803

We'll bring them to my house.

00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,014

Dude, how are we gonna move

23 calves to your house?

00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,724

I don't know.

- I've got it!

00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:07,933

We could kill Butters

00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,935

and then float the calves

on a river of blood.

00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:10,936

Don't be stupid, Cartman!

00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:12,313

Butters doesn't have

that much blood in him.

00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,480

Yeah!

I do too!

00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,524

We're just gonna have to

carry them one by one.

00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,610

Come on, you guys.

00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:19,528

[ Grunts ]

00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,197

[ Spy music plays ]

00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:28,537

Check it out, you guys.

I'm calf curling.

00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:31,498

[ Calf moos ]

00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,253

Man, these calves

smell like crap.

00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,547

I don't see how you're gonna

hide them much longer.

00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,548

We won't have to.

00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:40,591

Butters said he had something

00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:41,967

that makes baby cows strong

again.

00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:42,968

He's bringing it over.

00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,261

Butters had that at his house?

00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,346

Hey, fellas!

00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:46,972

Butters, did you bring it?

00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:47,931

I sure did!

00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:50,100

We'll have those poor

baby cows in shape in no time!

00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:51,143

All right!

00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,020

"Suzanne Somers Calf Exerciser".

00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:53,937

What?

00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:56,940

"Makes your calves stronger

in just two days."

00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,401

Oh, God damn it!

That's your plan?

00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,861

You think it's a gimmick?

00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:03,364

Suzanne promises

right on the box that it works.

00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,201

Hello, Mrs. Marsh!

00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,161

Officer Barbrady.

What can I do for you?

00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,913

Well, we've got

a little problem.

00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,623

Jed here caught your boy

and his friends

00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:14,083

trespassing on his ranch.

00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,918

They stole some of his property.

00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,753

Stole?

A-Are you sure?

00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,339

I followed a calf-curling trail

right to your house, ma'am.

00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:23,175

Ooh, Stan's in trouble!

Let me kick his ass, Mom!

00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,219

N-Now, my son is not a thief.

00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:27,596

I'm sure this is just

some kind of misunderstanding.

00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,768

Stanley, did you see --

00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:34,770

Oh, crap!

00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,605

Stanley, what are you doing

with those calves?

00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,607

That asshole was gonna kill them

and feed them to people!

00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,359

Stanley, they belong to him.

00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:41,652

They don't belong to anybody!

00:06:41,777 --> 00:06:43,237

Please, Mom!

We don't want these cows to die!

00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,238

Let me hit him, Mom!

00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,031

Stanley, this isn't up

for discussion.

00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,616

The rancher is going to take

his cows back,

00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,244

and you don't have a choice.

00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,581

[ Carol gasps, door locks ]

00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:56,875

Stanley!

00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,545

Stanley, open this door right

now, or you're gonna get it!

00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:00,212

No!

00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,964

Stan, you're behaving

like a kid.

00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,215

You're the ones

who made me eat veal

00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,299

without telling me what it was!

00:07:04,425 --> 00:07:05,384

You're the ones who knew

00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,969

we were making

little baby animals suffer!

00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,470

Open this door now!

00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:09,513

Kiss my ass!

00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,598

Oh, geez.

He said "ass" to his parents.

00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:13,308

You're getting in

pretty deep, dude.

00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,353

I apologize for this,

Mister rancher person.

00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:19,106

Why don't you just tell them

that the cows will be safe?

00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:20,774

And when they come out,

I can take 'em back.

00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,317

I can't lie to my son, okay?

00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:24,695

If I betrayed him like that, I'd

pay for it the rest of my life.

00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:25,904

Well, that's just too bad!

00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,115

Look, that's $800

worth of veal up there,

00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,575

and I have to ship it out

Friday!

00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,493

What are you going to do,

Officer Barbrady?

00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,871

Me?

How'd I get into this mess?

00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,415

So, what happens now?

00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,208

I'm gonna lock myself in here

with these cows

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,210

until we have a guarantee

of their safety in writing.

00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,712

We're with you, dude.

- Yeah!

00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:42,838

Don't be so sure.

00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,257

Because I'm gonna tell you --

This is gonna get ugly.

00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,341

Real ugly.

00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,093

When all is said and done,

you could all be looking

00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,471

at being grounded for three,

perhaps even four weeks.

00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,890

So if any of you guys want out,

just say the word now.

00:07:53,015 --> 00:07:54,391

I want out.

- Shut up, Cartman.

00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:55,642

We're with you, Stan.

- Yeah.

00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,811

We can't let

those little baby cows down.

00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,396

They've got no one else

to turn to.

00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,273

Then it's settled.

One for all and all for one!

00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:02,274

Except Cartman.

00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:02,858

Yeah!

- Yeah!

00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,151

Yeah!

Wait. What?

00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,198

And so that's the situation.

00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,241

Our boys have locked themselves

in Stan's room

00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,577

until we can promise the calves

will live free, in writing.

00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,120

Well, this is ridiculous.

00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,747

I don't know how you raise

your kids,

00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:19,291

but my son does not play

negotiator with me!

00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,375

Well, excuse me, Sheila,

00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,710

but it wasn't that simple.

- Ha!

00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:25,464

Give me 15 seconds with Kyle,

and I'll have that door open.

00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,884

Kyle, this is your mother!

00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,386

You will open this door

right now!

00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:32,513

No, I won't.

00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,389

Yes.

I see what you mean, Sheila.

00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:35,474

That was very impressive.

00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,267

Kyle, if you don't do

as you're told,

00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,269

I'm going to be very angry!

00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,480

Well, you made me eat veal

and didn't tell me what it was!

00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:45,025

So go ahead and be angry,

you baby-cow-killing bitch!

00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,026

Very persuasive.

00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,278

Aah! Open this door!

Open this door!

00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,947

Oh, let -- let me try.

00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:51,490

Butters?

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,325

Butters, this is your father.

00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,202

Oh, sweet Jesus.

What do I do?

00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:56,995

Be strong, Butters.

You knew it would come to this.

00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,580

Butters, answer me.

00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,332

But -- But Dad's a-angry at me.

00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,167

Don't panic.

I'll tell you what to say.

00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:03,794

Butters, right now!

00:09:03,919 --> 00:09:07,047

Dad, uh, why don't you

suck my fat one?

00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,924

What?!

- [ Butters ] Oh, sweet Jesus.

00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,634

What's gotten into them?

- All right, Stanley.

00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:13,053

This has gone on long enough.

Your little game is over!

00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,096

This isn't a game, Mom.

00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,348

We're not coming out until we

know the calves will be safe.

00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:17,266

Well, that's fine.

00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:19,309

You boys can just stay in there

and starve to death.

00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,728

Us parents are going to go

to Pizza Shack

00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,814

and have pepperoni pizzas

and ice cream.

00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:25,941

Oh, God damn it, you guys.

00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,568

Cartman, stay away

from that door!

00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,736

[ Stan's Mom ]

You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys.

00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,656

The longer you wait,

the more trouble you'll be in.

00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,242

Aah!

00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,452

[ Sighs ] Round one is over.

We made it.

00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,371

We didn't make it.

Your mom is right, douchebag.

00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:40,998

What are we gonna do,

stay in here until we starve?

00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:42,291

Our parents would never

let us starve.

00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,167

They're bluffing.

This is a battle of wills.

00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,919

If we hold out long enough,

they'll give in.

00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,337

But we will have to sleep, dude.

00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:49,047

Three of us can sleep

while one keeps watch.

00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,465

We'll shift

every couple of hours.

00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:53,051

Hey, this is gonna be

just like Vietnam, huh, fellas?

00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:53,885

Whoopie!

00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,596

We'll stay in this room

with these baby cows

00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,514

for as long as it takes!

00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,355

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,690

Well, we tried everything.

00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:09,234

We can't get through the door

without tearing apart the house.

00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,486

Dear God!

It's been over 13 hours.

00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:14,239

Oh, but my poor little poopsie

must be getting so hungry.

00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:15,866

Maybe we should get them

a little food.

00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:17,743

Ms. Cartman,

this is a battle of will.

00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,412

We need our boys to know that

we're not gonna cave in at all.

00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,788

Oh, all right.

00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,915

Let's just go to bed and

let them play their little game

00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:25,167

for as long as they can.

00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,504

Good night, fellas!

- Good night.

00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,423

Good night, Patches.

Good night, Halloway.

00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,258

Good night, Neptune.

Good night, Davis.

00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,426

Good night, Bud.

00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,136

Good night, Red.

Good night, Paulette.

00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,387

Good night, Chastity.

00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:40,390

[ Cartman ]

Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again.

00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,433

[ Insects chirping ]

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,061

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,481

[ Calves mooing ]

00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,191

Can't go on.

00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,567

Need...food.

00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,903

I didn't realize hunger

made you feel so bad.

00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,488

There's only one alternative,

you guys.

00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:55,906

We're gonna have to eat a calf.

00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:57,574

No, Cartman,

we're not eating a calf.

00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,077

All right! Then we're gonna

have to eat Butters.

00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,244

He might be right, dude.

00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:02,287

Aw, heck.

00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,831

Wait.

What is that?

00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,458

Dude!

- Food!

00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,127

Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?

00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,630

Ooh, I just can't stand

to see my baby suffer.

00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,840

Oh, dear God.

You've ruined everything!

00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:14,591

All right!

00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:16,301

See?

Now we can hold out for weeks!

00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,053

Look, you guys!

Beef jerky!

00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,138

- Yeah! And fried chicken!

- Wha--?

00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,348

- Mmm!

- Mmm!

00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:22,974

Dude, what are you guys doing?

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,351

We're eating, dude.

00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:25,519

You're eating meat!

00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:27,437

What the hell do you think

we're doing all this for?

00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,648

Hey, I'm doing it

to save little baby cows.

00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:31,316

I'm not gonna stop eating meat

altogether.

00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,442

- Me neither.

- Yeah.

00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,277

If you don't eat meat at all,

you become a pussy.

00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,238

That's fine.

You guys can live off of flesh.

00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,698

But I'm never eating meat again.

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,157

Go ahead.

That's more for us.

00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:40,742

You want some beef jerky, buddy?

00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:41,827

Yes.

Who's your buddy?

00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:43,328

Who's hungry?

Who's a hungry man?

00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,706

Dude, that's messed up.

00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,755

[ News theme music plays ]

00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,716

You guys, check this out!

00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,384

Tom, I'm standing

in front of the house

00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,679

where four insane boy terrorists

have barricaded themselves

00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,515

inside a room

with 23 live infant cattle.

00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,599

Hey, look!

00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:07,144

Some other kids are doing

the same thing we are!

00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:07,769

[ Grunts ]

00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,479

Several attempts

to break into the room

00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,274

have proven unsuccessful, Tom,

and the crisis is intensifying.

00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,900

Here's what some people

had to say.

00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,318

We were just sleeping,

00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:17,070

when suddenly we heard

all the commotion.

00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,072

I mean, to think

this could happen right here

00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,615

in our own community.

00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,576

We gave those kids everything,

00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:25,036

and they turned into

little John Walkers.

00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,747

The police chief of South Park

00:12:26,872 --> 00:12:29,416

says that there will be no

negotiations with terrorists.

00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:31,835

Oh, no. This is big-time

trouble now, fellas.

00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,420

No.

This is exactly what we wanted.

00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,130

It is?

- Yes. Don't you see?

00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,757

This validates everything

that we're doing.

00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:37,758

If we're making the news,

00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,092

this is obviously important

to people.

00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:41,052

Tom, it looks like

I have an update.

00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:43,305

Yes, it looks like

the boy-terrorist story

00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,599

is not interesting news

to anyone.

00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,476

Uh, nothing else

was going on, Tom,

00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,728

so this was the only story

we had to make seem important,

00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,480

but people are just simply

tuning out.

00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,690

So HBC will now be

switching programming

00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:56,985

once again to

"Puppies From Around the World"!

00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,029

[ Bagpipes playing ]

00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,031

[Asian lute playing ]

00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,033

[ Violin playing ]

00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,035

[ Men singing

in African dialect ]

00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,037

[ Flute playing ]

00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,206

[ Mandolin playing ]

00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:12,417

[ Mariachi music playing ]

00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:16,588

I don't believe it.

00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,424

The Chinese puppy is my favorite

so far!

00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:22,761

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:27,516

Butters?

00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,309

B-Butters, you have your arm

around me!

00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,311

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were Mr. Pickles.

00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,396

MEN AND WOMEN:

♪ We must help the helpless ♪

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,690

♪ We must save the unsaved ♪

00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:36,817

What the hell is that?

00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:38,819

♪ For if we fight together ♪

00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,779

♪ We can make sure

the road is paved ♪

00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,906

♪ For a brighter tomorrow... ♪

00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:44,658

Hippies!

- What are they doing here?

00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:45,867

We are with you, boys!

00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,578

Your message is real

and your fight is just!

00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:50,163

[ Cheering ]

00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,123

Dude, those gaywads

are on our side?

00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,875

Ew!

They're all dirty.

00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:54,960

What did I tell you, Stan?

00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,545

We saved some baby cows

from being eaten,

00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:59,464

and now we're no-good,

dirty Goddamn hippies!

00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,385

[ Newscaster ]

Tom, the calf-terrorist standoff continues,

00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:08,181

as now members of the FBI arrive

to put an end to the conflict.

00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,474

Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:10,934

Who's in charge here?

00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,644

I am.

But I don't want to be.

00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:13,854

Where's the negotiator?

00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:16,398

Right here --

Glen Dumont, negotiator squad.

00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,691

All right.

See what you can do.

00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:19,276

[ Coughs, sniffles ]

00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:21,820

- Dude, are you okay?

- Oh, I just feel so run down.

00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:22,821

I don't know what's wrong

with me.

00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,031

- I've got these sores.

- What is that?

00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:26,700

- Dude, maybe we should end this.

- No!

00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,369

Get me a hard line to the phone

in that house.

00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,495

The terrorists already said

00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,247

there's no way

they're coming out.

00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,748

Don't worry.

I'm a negotiator.

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,333

It's my job to talk

to freaks like this

00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,960

and bring about

a peaceful resolution

00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,920

using clever psychology.

00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,006

- [ Telephone rings ]

- Hello?

00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:43,633

Hello. My name is Mike.

I'm a negotiator.

00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,218

Is it okay if I talk to you?

00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:46,928

Uh, hold on.

It's some negotiator named Mike.

00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,471

What do I do?

- Don't give him anything!

00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:50,390

What do I say?

- Aw, give me that.

00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:51,641

Talk to me, Mike.

00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,935

I'm here to make sure

we can all end this peacefully.

00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,228

You want that, right?

00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,479

Sure, sure.

00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:57,731

How about we make a trade

00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,524

just to show

that we can trust each other?

00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:00,609

What'd you have in mind?

00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,445

Well, how about you send out

one of the calves?

00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,363

Oh, Mike. You're breaking

my balls here, Mike.

00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,823

Just one.

That's all we want.

00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,074

All right.

How about this?

00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:09,826

You guys have all the leverage,

and we have nothing.

00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:11,369

So how about we give you

one calf --

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,287

Cartman, no!

- Dude!

00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,121

It's cool.

00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,290

We'll give you one calf

if you'll give us

00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,958

some guns and ammunition

of our own.

00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,418

What?

I-I can't do that!

00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:19,711

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought we were talking here.

00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:20,962

But I guess you're not

talking to me. Goodbye.

00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,672

No, no. Wait.

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,841

Y-You're right. What reason

do you have to trust me?

00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:27,135

I'm just a guy from Lakewood

trying to make ends meet.

00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,970

Just a blue-collar guy

like your dad.

00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,597

Don't have a dad, Mike.

That's not gonna work.

00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:34,267

Oh. All right. Some guns.

I'll see what I can do.

00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,145

Okay.

Up a little.

00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,856

Left a little.

Almost there.

00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:40,857

What is that?

00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:43,443

We're giving the boys some guns

in return for a calf.

00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,320

What?

- You're giving my baby guns?

00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,572

Hey, this is a negotiation

process, okay?

00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,324

Did you people go

to negotiator school?

00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,492

No, you didn't!

00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,243

Get 'em on the line for me.

00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,995

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello?

00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,039

Okay. You see that?

I keep my end of the bargain.

00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,124

All right. We'll keep ours.

We'll send out one calf.

00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,585

Well, h-how about you send out

two calves?

00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:03,088

Oh, Jesus! There's just no

talking to you, is there, Mike?

00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,839

[ Moans ]

00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,091

We had a deal.

Do you think I'm stupid?

00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:07,425

Don't treat me

like I'm stupid here!

00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,510

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:09,678

Damn it!

I'm losing them!

00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,930

Okay. I'm sorry.

Just send out one calf.

00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:14,140

Oh, no, no, no. Now you're gonna

have to get us something else.

00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:15,225

What'd you have in mind?

00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,896

A little to the left.

00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,565

Okay. That's good.

A little to the right.

00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:23,984

You're giving them a missile?!

00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,986

Stand down, ma'am!

Stand down!

00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:28,571

This is a delicate process.

I've almost earned their trust.

00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,490

Stan's getting worse, you guys.

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,491

[ Telephone rings ]

00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,326

Mike. Babe.

- How we doing?

00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,577

We got a real sick kid here,

Mike.

00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:35,787

Did you get the other things

for us?

00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,956

I-I did manage to get the FDA

00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:41,543

to officially change the word

"veal" to "tortured baby cow."

00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,377

Good. Good.

00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,754

But I couldn't get you

North and South Dakota.

00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,007

Oh, Mike.

Breaking my balls, Mike.

00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:49,342

Now -- Now, please, can --

Can we get you to come out?

00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,555

All right.

Everything has worked out.

00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,265

The boys have promised

to come out

00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:56,683

and bring the cows out

with them.

00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:58,143

All right!

- Whoo-hoo!

00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,937

I'm sorry I doubted

your abilities, Mr. Negotiator.

00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,647

They're coming out now?

- Yes.

00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,232

All we need to do in return

is get

00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,651

a cattle-transporting semitruck

that will take the boys

00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,236

and the cattle

to Denver International Airport,

00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:09,738

where we will have

a fully gassed airplane

00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,322

waiting to take them all

to Mexico.

00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:11,990

What?

00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,200

And they want the guy that

plays Mr. Worf on "Star Trek"

00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:16,786

to drive the truck --

in full makeup.

00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,163

Jesus Christ!

00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,372

All right.

That does it!

00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,499

You are, in fact,

the worst negotiator

00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,168

I've ever seen in action!

00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,711

All right. All right.

I'll give you that.

00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,921

But in return,

I want three staples.

00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:27,922

Get out of here!

00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,174

We'll get them the semi,

00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:31,176

and we'll get them the Worf guy

from "Star Trek."

00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:34,054

If they see that, they'll come

out, and then we can take them.

00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:35,430

But isn't that dishonest?

00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,431

Maybe so.

00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:37,932

But if we don't do something

soon,

00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,893

there could be 50,

even 60 people

00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,770

who'll have to go without veal

for dinner.

00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:44,397

Are you prepared

to let that happen?

00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,195

[ Indistinct talking on radio ]

00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,072

All right.

Where is Mr. Dorn?

00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,782

I was woken up

at 3:00 in the morning,

00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,784

told I had to put on makeup

and come to this town.

00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:56,910

What the hell is going on?

00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,912

I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn.

It's FBI business.

00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,331

We've got terrorists making

demands, and we need your help.

00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:02,916

This is highly unusual.

00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,209

All right, boys.

We have your truck.

00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,878

And we have an airplane on the

tarmac at Denver International.

00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:07,879

And Worf?

00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,091

My name is Michael Dorn.

I play a character called Worf.

00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:12,258

Stan, it worked!

00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:13,510

[ Weakly ]

It did?

00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:15,637

They got us a truck

and an airplane and Mr. Worf!

00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,305

The calves are gonna be okay!

00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,599

Pick me up.

I-I want to see.

00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:25,814

[ Guns cock ]

00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,899

Step back!

Tell those men to step back!

00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,400

Do it!

00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:30,902

[ Groaning ]

00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:34,697

[ Cheering ]

00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,366

Aw, shut up,

you friggin' hippies.

00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:39,035

All right, Mr. Worf.

00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,370

Start the engine

and put her in gear.

00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:42,455

Oh, and you must refer to me

as "Captain".

00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:44,124

Where am I supposed to drive to?

00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:45,208

No, see, you must say,

00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,043

"Captain, where am I supposed to

drive to?"

00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,171

Captain, where am I

supposed to drive to?

00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:51,965

You're going to back the truck

up to the door

00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:53,383

so we can safely load in

the calves.

00:18:53,508 --> 00:18:54,843

This whole thing is ridiculous.

00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,220

"Captain, this whole thing

is ridiculous."

00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,848

Captain, this whole thing

is ridiculous.

00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:02,725

[ Brakes hiss ]

00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:04,310

Okay!

All set!

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:05,979

[ Newscaster ]

Tom, it looks as though the terrorists

00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:09,149

are now loading the baby cows

into the back of a semi.

00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,734

This is still

very uninteresting news, Tom.

00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:12,861

Okay, Cartman!

00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,904

Step on it, Mr. Worf!

00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,447

[All ]

All right!

00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,782

We're going!

00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,117

Mexico, here we come!

00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:20,577

[ Horn blares ]

00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:23,580

[ Sirens wailing ]

00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:25,874

Wait a minute.

They're following us!

00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:27,250

Full speed, Mr. Worf!

00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,711

We cannot keep going fast

on these icy roads.

00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,338

"Captain, we cannot keep

going fast on these icy roads."

00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,216

Captain, we cannot keep

going fast on these icy roads.

00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:36,217

All right, Mr. Worf.

00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,260

Then reduce speed to 45

00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:39,095

but maintain distance

from those police cruisers.

00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,056

Stan, we're almost there.

You've got to hold on.

00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,058

[ Dramatic music plays ]

00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,810

All right. They're in front

of the cattle ranch.

00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,020

Hit it!

00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,357

[ Tires screech ]

00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,568

Oh, it's a double cross!

00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,403

All right, boys.

The game is over.

00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,030

Get out of the truck

with your hands up.

00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,115

Oh, no.

No!

00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,950

What are you waiting for?

Go kill them, Worf!

00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:02,535

I'm not killing anybody.

00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,787

[ Sighs ]

Some goddamn Klingon you are.

00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:09,417

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,670

We're sorry, cows.

We tried. We tried.

00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:13,671

All right, boys.

00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,882

Just stay right there

until your parents arrive.

00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:16,799

Can I go now?

00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:20,511

Here you go, Mr. Rancher.

I got your cattle back for you!

00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,764

Oh.

Well, it doesn't matter now.

00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:23,765

What do you mean?

00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,433

In the 24 hours

since the word "veal"

00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,019

was officially changed

to "little tortured baby cow,"

00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,562

the market has gone dry.

00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,522

Seems when people see

"little tortured baby cow"

00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,358

on their menus,

they don't feel like ordering.

00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:34,025

Really?

00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:35,693

Damn things ain't worth spit

now.

00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,403

I'll let 'em live outside

with the other cows

00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:38,571

and live a normal life.

00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:39,948

You hear that, Stan?

It worked!

00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,116

We've shut down

the veal industry!

00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:43,326

Stan?

00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:44,744

Stan?

00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,081

He's very lucky you got him here

when you did.

00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:50,541

He was in a very advanced state

of vaginitis.

00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:51,876

Vaginitis?

00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:54,045

It occurs when a person

stops eating meat.

00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:56,464

Those sores on his skin

were actually small vaginas.

00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:57,966

If we hadn't stopped it in time,

00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,592

Stan would've eventually

just become

00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:01,511

one great big, giant pussy.

00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:02,637

Whoa, dude.

00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:04,305

We've got an I.V.

of pure beef blood

00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,683

pumping into Stan's veins,

and the sores are fading.

00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:08,309

Thank God we stopped it in time.

00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:09,769

Well, I guess

we learned something today.

00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:10,853

It's wrong to eat veal

00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:12,647

because the animals

are so horribly mistreated.

00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,108

But if you don't eat meat at

all, you break out in vaginas.

00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,025

Hear, hear.

00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:17,777

All right, boys.

It's time to go home.

00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,988

You've got some serious

grounding time to start.

00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:22,198

I'll say!

- Aw, we're still grounded?

00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:24,826

But -- But we -- we learned

things and took up a cause.

00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,036

Yes, Kyle, but you still

defied your parents.

00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,039

And you need to learn that

terrorism is never the answer.

00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:32,333

That's right. Let's get

these terrorists to their rooms.

00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:35,086

But first maybe we can grab

some burgers.

00:21:35,211 --> 00:21:36,546

[All ]

Alright!!