Собственный эпизод Баттерса

00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:11,012

I'm all done wrapping Dad's

anniversary present for you.

00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:12,221

Oh, is it someone's

anniversary soon?

00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,222

Oh, you.

00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,640

Just kidding.

00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:15,975

Ooh, I wonder

what it is.

00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,184

It's a--

00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:18,644

Oh, shucks,

I can't tell you.

00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,354

But it's really nifty.

00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,273

Well, it looks like we're

gonna have to do something

00:00:22,398 --> 00:00:24,483

extra special for Mommy and

Daddy's anniversary this year.

00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:25,818

How about on Saturday

00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:27,903

we all go have dinner

at Bennigan's?

00:00:28,029 --> 00:00:29,822

Bennigan's?

Oh, boy, you mean it?

00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,949

Whoopee!

00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,993

At Bennigan's I'm gonna get

the Ranch Hand Baby Back Ribs.

00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:35,036

Calm down there, cowboy.

00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:36,120

You've still got

four days.

00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,747

Four days?

00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,790

Oh, I don't know how

I'm gonna wait that long.

00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:43,169

Who's the boy that

can laugh at a storm cloud?

00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:46,005

Turn a frown

into a smile for free?

00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,674

Who's the kid with

the heart full of magic?

00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,468

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:52,136

Well, that's me!

00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,597

Who's the boy

with eyes full of wonder?

00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,725

Who thinks being yourself

is the best thing to be?

00:00:57,850 --> 00:01:00,519

Who's that rascal with

the tweezers in his pocket?

00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:02,313

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:03,939

Well, that's me!

00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,317

Jumping in puddles,

skipping down the hallway

00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:07,568

petting goats

at the petting zoo

00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,278

he loves John All-way

- Elway.

00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,490

Who's that tyke with

the cutest little dimples?

00:01:12,615 --> 00:01:14,867

Batting his eyes

at every puppy he sees?

00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:16,952

If you look inside yourself

you might be surprised

00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:19,538

when you find

a little boy named

00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:20,790

Butters!

00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:23,542

Well, that's--

that's me, yeah.

00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,920

Three more days

'til we eat at Bennigan's.

00:01:26,045 --> 00:01:28,923

That's 72 hours.

Oh, gee whiz.

00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:30,341

Well, if you two

will excuse me,

00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:32,093

I need to go out and buy

a certain special lady

00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:33,385

her anniversary present.

00:01:33,511 --> 00:01:34,637

I hope he means me.

00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:35,638

Don't be silly, Mom,

00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,431

of course

he means you.

00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:38,849

I'll be back

in a little bit.

00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,184

Butters, you're in charge

of the house.

00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,061

Yes, sir!

00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:43,813

Oh, I wonder what

he's gonna get me this year.

00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,397

We won't know

till we're at Bennigan's.

00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:46,565

Every year

it's the same.

00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:47,733

Your father gets me

some great gift

00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,527

and my gift to him

falls short.

00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:51,112

I've just got to

outdo him this year.

00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:52,321

I've just got to!

00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,781

Dad's a good shopper,

alright.

00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:56,200

Butters, maybe you could

secretly follow your dad

00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:57,451

and see what

he's getting me.

00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,078

You mean spy on him?

00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,871

But ain't that kind of

like fibbin'?

00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,456

No, it's a little

different.

00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,875

You remember when the nice

policeman gave you a badge

00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,168

and made you

an Honorary Inspector?

00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,795

Sure, I do.

00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,463

Why, I think Inspector

Butters could find out

00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:11,382

what daddy's getting mommy

without him ever knowing.

00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:13,134

What do you say?

00:02:13,259 --> 00:02:14,927

Inspector Butters

is on the case, ma'am.

00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,554

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:02:16,679 --> 00:02:18,222

Well, that's me!

00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,368

Hmm, Dad's going

to see a movie.

00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,288

How nice.

00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:50,171

"White Swallow

Bath House."

00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,672

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,799

Well, that's me!

00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,385

I'm back, Ma.

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Oh, hi, sweetie.

00:02:57,970 --> 00:02:59,054

Did you get to follow

your dad around?

00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,181

I sure did.

00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:01,849

Dad sure had

a nice night out.

00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,851

Well, did you see what he

got me for our anniversary?

00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:05,477

Well, first he went

to see a movie.

00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,271

A movie?

Huh.

00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,523

I wonder why he'd want to

see a movie by himself.

00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,525

I don't know, but it wasn't at

the movie theater at the mall.

00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,277

It was that really old

theater downtown,

00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:15,446

The Studcat.

00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:16,739

I didn't even know

it was open.

00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,949

Wait a minute.

What was the movie called?

00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,534

"Fisting Firemen 9."

00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,785

I've never seen

one through eight.

00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,329

Oh, my God.

00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,206

It must've been

a real short movie, though,

00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,541

because Dad came out, like,

10 minutes later.

00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,126

It must've been

a sad film, too,

00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,878

because he had a bunch of

tissue paper with him

00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,171

when he came out.

00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,131

Poor ol' dad.

Movie really got to him.

00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:36,467

Butters, where did Daddy

go after the movie?

00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:37,468

To the gym.

00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,761

To the gym?

00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,720

Yeah,

the White Swallow Spa.

00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:40,930

Ah!

00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:42,473

Yup, he went in there

and he wrestled

00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:43,474

with all kind of guys.

00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,767

He wasn't too good, though.

00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,935

This one black guy

had him pinned down

00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:48,062

for 15 minutes straight.

00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:49,730

Butters,

are you sure about this?

00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,565

You have to be

absolutely sure.

00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,234

Inspector Butters

gets all the facts.

00:03:53,359 --> 00:03:54,902

I even got some

neat-o pictures.

00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:02,326

The only thing

I can't figure out

00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,286

is why dad told you he was going

shopping for your present

00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,830

when he was going out

seeing movies and wrestling?

00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:08,582

Oh, did you have

a nice trip, Ma?

00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,709

See you next fall.

00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,127

Mom?

00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:14,129

Butters!

- Well, that's me!

00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,510

Paint...

Must paint...

00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,178

Everything clean...

00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:22,888

Paint...

00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,432

Well, honey, you've painted

the entire house

00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,809

three times.

00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:27,977

Must paint.

00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,980

Everything clean.

Everything new.

00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,982

Say, Butters,

I'm having real trouble

00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:34,692

finding an anniversary

present for mom.

00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:35,734

Any ideas?

00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,486

Hmm, I can't think of one.

00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,154

Well, then, it looks like

I'm gonna have to

00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,489

go out shopping again.

00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,157

Ah!

Paint.

00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,118

Everything clean,

everything new.

00:04:44,243 --> 00:04:45,369

Paint.

00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:49,456

I'll be back

in a little while.

00:04:49,581 --> 00:04:51,208

Should I go try and see

what he gets you again, Mom?

00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,168

I don't think

Daddy's shopping.

00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,671

I think Daddy's going out

wrestling again.

00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,465

Paint.

Paint.

00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,092

Must be made clean.

00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:01,051

New.

00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:02,720

Hey, a new paintbrush.

00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,430

That's what Dad could get

Mom for their anniversary.

00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:05,681

I gotta go tell him.

00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,599

Must clean Butters.

00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:08,600

Clean.

00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:11,061

Never be clean.

00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,772

Must...kill?

00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,733

The only way...

00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:18,360

Must kill Butters.

00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:19,778

Paint.

00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,947

Butters!

- Well, that's me!

00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:27,494

One, please.

00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:28,704

Locker 213.

00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,206

Thanks.

00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:35,669

That's what takes me high

00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:38,714

Dad?

Dad, you in here?

00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:44,470

Hello, anybody in here?

00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,221

There, do you think

that works?

00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:47,639

Well, that's four fingers.

Try five.

00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:49,266

Mr. Garrison?

00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,184

Who is that?

00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,188

Dad?

00:05:54,313 --> 00:05:55,606

Dad!

00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,107

Are you wrestling in here?

00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,108

Dad?

00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,735

This room's taken.

00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:03,072

Oh, pardon me, sirs.

00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,365

Dad?

00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,075

No.

00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,701

Hmm.

00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,745

Ah, Butters!

00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,121

Hi, Dad!

00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,623

Oh, God.

00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:14,500

I'm glad I found ya.

00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,335

I think I know the perfect

anniversary present for Mom.

00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,337

What are you doing with

your wiener out there, Dad?

00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,422

Butters, you need

to leave here right now.

00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,132

You need

to get out of here.

00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,385

Go home and wait for me

to talk to you.

00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:25,886

Oh, alright then.

00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,514

We'll see you at home.

00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,516

Oh, Jesus, no.

00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,809

Oh, what have I done?

00:06:34,645 --> 00:06:35,646

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:37,106

Well, that's me!

00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:39,316

Butters.

Oh, Butters.

00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,610

Could you come see me

in my study real quick?

00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,070

Hey, Dad.

00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,655

Come here, Son.

I want to have a talk with you.

00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:45,989

Well, sure thing, Dad.

00:06:46,115 --> 00:06:48,659

Son, I want to talk to you

about lying.

00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:51,745

Oh, I know lying's bad, Dad.

You told me so.

00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,664

Yes, it sure can be.

00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:55,416

But there are also times

00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:58,669

when distorting the truth

a little is appropriate.

00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,921

These are called

"little white lies."

00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,589

Little white lies?

00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,883

You see, sometimes telling

a little white lie is okay.

00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,261

Like, for instance,

when you catch your father

00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:09,596

jacking off

in a gay men's bath house.

00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:10,681

Who's Jack?

00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:12,850

Butters,

the point is that

00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:15,602

I think that if you told Mommy

what Daddy was doing tonight,

00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,605

well, she might go

completely insane.

00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,982

Oh, no, that

won't happen, Dad.

00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,608

It won't?

Alright, good.

00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:24,027

No, because I already

told Mom and she's fine.

00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:25,737

You what?

00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:28,657

Butters, Mommy wants to take

you for a little drive now.

00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,075

A drive?

Oh, boy!

00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,286

I love a good drive.

Is Dad coming, too?

00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:34,621

No, sweetie.

Daddy needs to sit and think.

00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,165

Alright.

See you in a bit, Dad.

00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:38,792

Oh, boy, a drive.

00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:42,629

What a bright time,

it's the right time

00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,423

Oh, jeez, you wouldn't

believe how angry I was

00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,341

when the teacher said I had to

share my finger paints,

00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,260

because I've been

sharing them all along.

00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,512

Butters,

you know that Mommy loves you

00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,680

an awful lot, don't you?

00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,141

Well, sure I do, Mom.

I love you, too.

00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:55,642

And sometimes

mommies do things

00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,644

that seem hurtful

to their babies,

00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,771

but it's really

for the best.

00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:01,732

You mean like the time you

washed my mouth out with soap

00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,233

for saying "nut sack"

in front of Grandma.

00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,860

Yeah, I need

to behave myself.

00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,278

If a mommy

has to end her life,

00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,654

she can't let her baby

alone in the world

00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:10,157

to be raised

by a sick pervert.

00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:12,409

Well, sure, that makes sense,

I suppose--yeah.

00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,744

Hey, did you see

my mittens anywhere?

00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,204

It's cold out here.

00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,247

I'm going to get out

of the car now, Butters.

00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:19,583

I want you to stay put

with your seatbelt fastened.

00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,710

Oh, well,

alright, Mom.

00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:25,297

Okay, then.

00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,050

You know, I think the car

might be moving, Mom.

00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,552

Yep, I'm pretty sure

the car's moving.

00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,179

Looks like I'm heading

for the water.

00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:34,598

Shh. Shh.

It's okay, baby.

00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,767

Mommy will be

with you very soon.

00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,435

Well, I think--

00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,562

Yep, it looks like the car's

filling up with water.

00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,523

Yeah, I think maybe now

might be a good time

00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:45,817

to come back inside the car

and drive, Mom.

00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:47,236

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:49,071

Well, that's me!

00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,614

"Dear Bastard Husband,"

00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,824

No.

"Dear Lying Son of a Bitch!"

00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:54,284

No.

00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,119

"Dear Ass Face."

Yes, that's it.

00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:57,246

"I will no longer--"

00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,622

Linda, what are

you doing?

00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,415

Stay away from me, bastard!

00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,042

Linda, I know

this is very hard.

00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,086

You don't know anything!

00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,963

I've been wanting to stop

going to those places, Linda,

00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:06,964

but I couldn't.

00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:08,006

I still love you.

00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,800

Then why, Chris, why?

00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:12,803

It just--it started as some

curiosity on the internet.

00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:15,389

I would chat with other

married guys in the chat rooms,

00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,558

and, well, the things

they would talk about, Linda.

00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,560

I don't know why I found it

exciting; I just did.

00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,770

And it grew from there

and spun out of control.

00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,481

And...

Damn you, internet!

00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,567

You don't have to worry

about your family

00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,360

being in your way anymore.

00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,571

No, Linda.

I don't want that lifestyle.

00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,447

It's just kind of

an addiction.

00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:34,616

I want help,

and I'm going to get help.

00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,535

Please, just give me a chance

to make this all up to you.

00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,161

We can have a normal life.

00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,706

There is no going back, Chris.

00:09:40,831 --> 00:09:41,873

Sure there is.

00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:44,585

No!

Our son is dead.

00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,712

What?

00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,630

I killed him.

00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,215

I was going to end it all

00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,593

and everything spun

out of control for me.

00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:56,513

I drowned Butters in the car,

Chris!

00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:57,889

Oh, no.

00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:01,018

No, no, Jesus, Linda.

What were you thinking?

00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:02,603

I wasn't thinking!

00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,354

I couldn't think.

00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:07,357

You destroyed my life, you!

00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,943

Oh, God, what have I done?

00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,237

Oh, Butters!

00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,031

This can't be happening.

00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,616

This is a bad dream.

00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,701

Just go away and let me die!

00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,369

No, Linda, we--

00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,246

I'm a murderer, Chris.

00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:25,083

I don't have a life now!

00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,002

Linda, Butters is gone.

00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,420

Oh, Christ.

00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,755

If Butters is gone,

00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,215

there's nothing

we can do about that.

00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:33,925

But I won't let you go to jail.

I promise.

00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:36,136

Linda, please.

00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,649

Oh, boy, this thing

ain't never gonna stop.

00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:51,318

I must be all the way

down to Denver by now.

00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,112

Crash!

00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,530

Oh, whoopee!

00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,907

Finally.

00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,450

Well, now that the car

has come to a stop,

00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,243

it's safe for me

to unfasten my seatbelt.

00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:05,582

Boy, Mom must be worried sick

about me right now.

00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:09,461

I gotta get back home.

00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,213

Gee whiz.

Where the heck am I?

00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,133

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,802

Well, that's me!

00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,095

Tom, I'm standing

in front of the home

00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:19,846

of Chris and Linda Stotch.

00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,807

They're living every parent's

nightmare right now,

00:11:21,932 --> 00:11:23,266

As last night,

while Mrs. Stotch was driving

00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,851

with her son in the car,

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,103

a man stopped her,

put a gun to her head,

00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:27,604

and took her son away.

00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,940

When asked who the man was,

Mrs. Stotch replied,

00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,983

"some Puerto Rican guy."

00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:33,610

Naturally, the police

are on an all-out manhunt

00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,904

for some Puerto Rican guy.

00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,907

Looks like the parents are about

to make a statement, Tom.

00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,367

Mrs. Stotch.

Mrs. Stotch.

00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:41,952

Any word yet from the man

who took your son?

00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:43,412

No, no.

Not yet.

00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,414

But if you're out there,

we beg you.

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:48,458

We just want our baby

returned safely back to us.

00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,335

Mrs. Stotch, what did

the kidnapper look like?

00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,336

Puerto Rican.

00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,671

Was he tall?

Short?

00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,799

He was average

Puerto Rican height.

00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,135

Please, just bring

our baby back to me.

00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:01,304

Butters!

- Well, that's me!

00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:03,557

So then my friend

started hollering at me, saying,

00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,100

"you took my rubber bands."

00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,309

Well, I didn't take 'em;

Craig did.

00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,061

I saw Craig take 'em.

00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,688

Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky

you came along, Mister.

00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:11,148

Yeah, too bad

you're not a broad

00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:13,358

'cause I need some

God damn poontang.

00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,318

Yeah, I could use some

God damn poontang myself

00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:16,987

right now.

00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:18,029

Have you ever been

to Bennigan's, Mister?

00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,740

Oh, it sure is great.

00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,658

I'm going to Bennigan's

tomorrow night with my family.

00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:22,784

Oh, I can just see it now.

00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,453

We'll walk in

the front doors

00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:25,954

and the nice Bennigan's

hostess lady

00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,622

will take us

to our cozy booth.

00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:30,625

Then we'll order some mozzarella

sticks for appetizers.

00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,961

Dad will open his present;

Mom will open hers.

00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,422

Then the Bennigan's

waitstaff will sing.

00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,923

Happy, happy anniversary

00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,967

from everyone at Bennigan's

00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,554

Happy, happy anniversary

from everyone at Bennigan's

00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,847

Happy, happy anniversary

00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,682

from everyone at Bennigan's

00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:46,725

Happy, happy--

00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,143

Ooh, are we stopping for sodas?

00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,187

Hey, can I get

a chocolate milk?

00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,696

He must like

T.G.I. Friday's.

00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,076

Let us handle it.

00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,953

Barbrady.

00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,205

Hello?

00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:09,372

Oh, hello.

00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:10,373

Who is this?

00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,875

Who is this?

00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,877

Uh, is this

the Stotch residence?

00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,962

Yes, are you calling

about the abduction?

00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,047

No.

00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,299

Oh.

Are you Puerto Rican?

00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,385

No.

00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:23,762

We need to keep

this line clear.

00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,139

Call back another day.

00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,016

It wasn't the abductor.

Sorry.

00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,268

Chief, two more parents

from the next town over

00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,937

have shown up,

saying their child

00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:33,271

might've been killed

by the same guy

00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,023

that took the Stotch boy.

00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,399

Really?

00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:38,652

This is John and Patsy Ramsey

from Boulder.

00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:39,986

We saw your story

on the news.

00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,947

We're so sorry

to hear about your loss.

00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,156

Our daughter

was killed a few years ago

00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:44,908

in our house.

00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,118

Yes, I remember hearing

something about that.

00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:50,038

And we realized

the man that murdered your son

00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,165

must be the same person

that killed our daughter.

00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,792

Yeah, because we

certainly didn't do it.

00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,710

No.

00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:56,753

No.

- No.

00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,547

Well, our son

was abducted.

00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,048

We don't know that

he's dead yet.

00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,425

Right...

00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:05,554

Butters!

Well, that's me!

00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,681

Sir?

Hello?

00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,099

Yeah, what can I do for ya?

00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,809

I have to get

to South Park.

00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,143

If you give me a ride,

00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,062

I can pay you the $4

I made at the titty bar.

00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,314

Sorry, wife took the car

to Estes Park for the weekend.

00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,567

Won't be back until Sunday.

00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,318

I can give you a ride

Sunday if you like.

00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:21,945

I can't wait till Sunday.

00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,822

I'm eating with my family

at Bennigan's tomorrow.

00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,323

Well, then, looks like

you're walking.

00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:26,616

Will I eventually

get to South Park

00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:27,951

if I follow this road?

00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,703

That road leads to Conifer.

00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:30,829

You want to go to South Park,

00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:32,956

you gotta go down that road.

00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:38,920

Of course, I ain't never seen

anyone go up that road.

00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,673

Six years ago a group of campers

went up there and got lost.

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,466

Had to eat each other

to stay alive.

00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:44,926

Used to be the way

to the O'Reilly house.

00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:46,344

He butchered

over 50 children

00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:48,096

and kept their bodies

in a cellar.

00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,265

But you should find

an old bridge about halfway up.

00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,766

That bridge is cursed,

you know.

00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,685

They built it with the bones

of 200 Chinese laborers

00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,020

who were massacred in '34.

00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:58,148

Yeah, a lot of history

on that road.

00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,275

Well, it's my Parents'

anniversary tomorrow

00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,360

and they're gonna be awful sad

if I'm not there with them.

00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:04,613

Well, good luck then.

00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:08,199

Oh, jeez.

00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:11,828

Or is South Park

down that road?

00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,497

It's so very hard to lose

a loved one, isn't it?

00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:16,416

Yes, it--it sure is.

00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:19,502

Thank goodness we have

each other to share our grief.

00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:20,629

Thank goodness.

00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:21,630

Here he is.

00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,006

John, Patsy.

00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,633

Hello, Gary.

Great to see you.

00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:25,967

Chris and Linda,

00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,969

this is our good friend

Congressman Gary Condit.

00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,387

He also lost someone

close to him

00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,014

and thinks it has

something to do with

00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,724

the same Puerto Rican guy

that hurt our kids.

00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:34,643

We're going to get

that son of a bitch.

00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,895

Yes, I sure hope we do.

00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,271

I spoke with the F.B.I.,

00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,648

and some Puerto Rican guy

00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:42,108

has just made their number one

most wanted.

00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,736

Oh, good.

Maybe now they'll catch him.

00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,696

Oh, here's another member

of our support group.

00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:47,781

O.J.

00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:48,990

Hey, guys.

00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,575

Chris, Linda,

you know O.J. Simpson.

00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,535

Oh, sure.

00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:56,164

O.J.'s wife was killed

by some Puerto Rican guy, too.

00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,166

Yep, it was some

Puerto Rican guy, alright.

00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,626

So you see,

Chris and Linda,

00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,294

There are people like you

all over the country

00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:03,338

who have been affected

by some Puerto Rican guy.

00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:04,756

Hey, let's make

Chris and Linda

00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,591

an official part

of the group.

00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,842

Yeah!

- Alright!

00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,261

One of us.

One of us.

00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:11,513

Gooble gobble.

00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,682

One of us. One of us.

00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,767

Gooble gobble.

Gooble gobble.

00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:16,768

Gooble gobble.

00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,812

One of us.

One of us.

00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:24,693

For family fun

and great food, too

00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,779

come on down to Bennigan's

00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:33,660

Buffalo wings

and fried cheese sticks

00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:37,330

the best are found

at Bennigan's

00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,126

Ah, hello?

00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,509

So, come and eat

at Bennigan's

00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:54,139

you'll love all our

shenanigans

00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,563

Oh, nut sack.

00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:02,897

Oops!

00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:07,110

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,528

Well, that's me!

00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,613

No, Linda,

because you can't now say

00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:12,532

that the abductor

was Costa Rican.

00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:13,867

You have to learn

to keep it straight!

00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,452

I can't keep it straight

00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:17,370

when you keep inventing

new parts to the story.

00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,456

Hey, don't forget

that I'm covering for you!

00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:21,791

Don't forget your lies

started all this.

00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,334

My lies may have

been deceitful,

00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:25,003

but your lies cover up

something much more horrible

00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:26,838

than anything I ever did.

00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:27,839

Happy anniversary!

00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:28,882

Not now, Butters.

00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:30,008

Oh, alright then.

00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,718

Butters?

00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,803

Oh, Butters.

- Son, I don't believe it!

00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:34,971

I'm sorry.

00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,347

The car just

rolled into the lake

00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,891

and then floated all the way

down the river.

00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,392

Oh, my baby's back!

00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:40,727

I ain't grounded, am I?

00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,437

No, no, Butters.

00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,105

Oh, Son, we're--

00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:47,525

Oh, we're gonna need you

to tell a little white lie

00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,152

about where you've been,

though, alright?

00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:50,153

Lie?

00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:51,446

Oh, yes.

00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:52,822

Darling, you're going to

have to say

00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,240

you don't know

how you got home.

00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:55,575

No, you have to say

that a Puerto Rican man

00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,577

dropped you off.

00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:59,370

Oh, who's going to believe

he would just drop him off?

00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:00,955

Hey, you should stop

your hollering.

00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,457

It's your anniversary.

00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,084

You're the one

who made up the stuff

00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:05,043

about the Puerto Rican,

idiot!

00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,586

Stop it,

Mom and Dad.

00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,338

Well, you're the one

that couldn't back it up

00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,547

with a description,

stupid!

00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,884

Now, gosh darn it,

you listen here!

00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:16,304

Now, I am sick of these harmless

lies and little white lies.

00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,765

You know, you can call a shovel

an ice cream machine,

00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:20,600

but it's still a shovel,

Mom and Dad.

00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,477

And you can call a lie

whatever you want

00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,063

but it's still

a no-good, stinkin' lie.

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,398

And when you start covering up

one lie with another lie,

00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,943

why, that's when you get

into real trouble.

00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:34,572

Boy, I--I've just about had it

up to here with you two.

00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,118

Butters...

00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:39,661

You're as right as rain.

00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,621

You sure are.

00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:43,790

I ain't in trouble

for hollering at you, am I?

00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,793

No, Butters, you're the best

son in the whole world,

00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:49,754

and I am so happy

you're alive.

00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,798

Well, I'm happy

you're alive too, Mom.

00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:53,550

So now can we

go to Bennigan's?

00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:55,051

You bet, son.

00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:58,096

But Mommy and Daddy have

something they have to do first.

00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:04,310

We have an announcement

to make.

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,479

Our son has been returned to us.

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,482

Oh, alright!

00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:10,775

Butters was missing?

00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,735

But that isn't all

we have to say.

00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:15,697

You see, we learned a very

important lesson tonight,

00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:18,533

and it took the smarts

of our young son to show us.

00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,868

Yeah!

00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,619

We've learned

that deception is wrong

00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,288

and that the only thing

to ever make it right again

00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:24,289

is to come clean.

00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,124

Yeah!

00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:28,751

You see, I've been deceiving

my wife for several months.

00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:30,753

I was going to gay movie

and bath houses

00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,756

and having sex with random men

who were complete strangers.

00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,550

Yeah--

wait, what?

00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,177

Ha-ho!

00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:38,803

And when I found out

I went crazy.

00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:41,764

I went crazy and I drove my son

into the lake to kill him.

00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,684

Uh, kill me?

Jesus Christ!

00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,144

Damn, dude.

00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:49,063

So you see, there was no

"some Puerto Rican guy."

00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,732

He doesn't exist.

00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,109

And so the people

we owe the biggest apology to

00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,154

are the Ramseys,

Congressman Condit, and O.J.

00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,697

We gave you false hope

00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:59,657

for finding the person

who hurt those close to you,

00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,576

and we're sorry.

00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,828

Now we're just happy we won't

have to live a life of secrets.

00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,788

For I knew that even though

some of you supported us,

00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,291

some others were looking

at me and thinking,

00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,752

"you're a liar!

"You're a liar!"

00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,837

"You know something

that you're not telling us,

00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:16,424

you slimy scumbag liar!"

00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,176

You know, that's what people

would say to me.

00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,678

And then people would see

my wife in the supermarket,

00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,805

and they would say, "hello,"

but they'd be thinking,

00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:25,683

"ah, there goes that murderer!

00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:26,935

"You got away with murder,

00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,687

you murdering,

lying waste of life!"

00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,565

And to me, people might

say things like,

00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:33,900

"liar!"

00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:37,654

"Tell us what you know,

you Goddamn liar!"

00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,155

And so to both of us,

00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,824

people all over town

would be saying things like,

00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,577

"you know goddamn well

what happened to your kid,

00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:46,412

"so stop acting

like victims

00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:50,250

"and confess,

you murdering murderers!"

00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:54,003

"Confess, liar, confess!"

00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,965

You know, and that's what people

would be saying to us.

00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:00,343

And, so, we just had to come

forward and tell the truth.

00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:01,761

We're sorry

we lied to you all.

00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,137

It won't happen again.

00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:04,764

And now if you'll excuse us,

00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:06,975

this family

has to get to Bennigan's.

00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,518

Oh, alright!

00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,439

Wow, dude.

00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,983

Your dad's a perv

and your mom tried to kill you.

00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,776

Yeah.

00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,528

Boy, you fellas sure are gonna

rip on me in school now.

00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:19,904

We sure are.

00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,572

I really wish

I didn't know that stuff.

00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:23,825

I guess I learned that sometimes

lying can be for the best, yep.

00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,910

Oh, well, when I have a chipotle

blue cheese bacon burger

00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,578

at Bennigan's,

00:21:27,704 --> 00:21:28,913

I'll forget all about

my dad being queer

00:21:29,038 --> 00:21:30,039

and my mom trying

to kill me.

00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:31,124

I'm gonna be okay.

00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:32,292

Really?

- No, I'm lying.

00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:33,376

Let's go, Son.

00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:34,794

Coming, Dad!

00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:36,170

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,505

Well, that's me!

00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:11,012

I'm all done wrapping Dad's

anniversary present for you.

00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:12,221

Oh, is it someone's

anniversary soon?

00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,222

Oh, you.

00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,640

Just kidding.

00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:15,975

Ooh, I wonder

what it is.

00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,184

It's a--

00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:18,644

Oh, shucks,

I can't tell you.

00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,354

But it's really nifty.

00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,273

Well, it looks like we're

gonna have to do something

00:00:22,398 --> 00:00:24,483

extra special for Mommy and

Daddy's anniversary this year.

00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:25,818

How about on Saturday

00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:27,903

we all go have dinner

at Bennigan's?

00:00:28,029 --> 00:00:29,822

Bennigan's?

Oh, boy, you mean it?

00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,949

Whoopee!

00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,993

At Bennigan's I'm gonna get

the Ranch Hand Baby Back Ribs.

00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:35,036

Calm down there, cowboy.

00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:36,120

You've still got

four days.

00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,747

Four days?

00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,790

Oh, I don't know how

I'm gonna wait that long.

00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:43,169

[singing] Who's the boy that

can laugh at a storm cloud?

00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:46,005

Turn a frown

into a smile for free?

00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,674

Who's the kid with

the heart full of magic?

00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,468

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:52,136

Well, that's me!

00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,597

[singing] Who's the boy

with eyes full of wonder?

00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,725

Who thinks being yourself

is the best thing to be?

00:00:57,850 --> 00:01:00,519

Who's that rascal with

the tweezers in his pocket?

00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:02,313

Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:03,939

Well, that's me!

00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,317

[singing] Jumping in puddles,

skipping down the hallway

00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:07,568

petting goats

at the petting zoo

00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,278

he loves John All-way

- Elway.

00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,490

[singing] Who's that tyke with

the cutest little dimples?

00:01:12,615 --> 00:01:14,867

Batting his eyes

at every puppy he sees?

00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:16,952

If you look inside yourself

you might be surprised

00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:19,538

when you find

a little boy named

00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:20,790

Butters!

00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:23,542

Well, that's--

that's me, yeah.

00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,920

Three more days

'til we eat at Bennigan's.

00:01:26,045 --> 00:01:28,923

That's 72 hours.

Oh, gee whiz.

00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:30,341

Well, if you two

will excuse me,

00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:32,093

I need to go out and buy

a certain special lady

00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:33,385

her anniversary present.

00:01:33,511 --> 00:01:34,637

I hope he means me.

00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:35,638

Don't be silly, Mom,

00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,431

of course

he means you.

00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:38,849

I'll be back

in a little bit.

00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,184

Butters, you're in charge

of the house.

00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,061

Yes, sir!

00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:43,813

Oh, I wonder what

he's gonna get me this year.

00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,397

We won't know

till we're at Bennigan's.

00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:46,565

Every year

it's the same.

00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:47,733

Your father gets me

some great gift

00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,527

and my gift to him

falls short.

00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:51,112

I've just got to

outdo him this year.

00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:52,321

I've just got to!

00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,781

Dad's a good shopper,

alright.

00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:56,200

Butters, maybe you could

secretly follow your dad

00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:57,451

and see what

he's getting me.

00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,078

You mean spy on him?

00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,871

But ain't that kind of

like fibbin'?

00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,456

No, it's a little

different.

00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,875

You remember when the nice

policeman gave you a badge

00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,168

and made you

an Honorary Inspector?

00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,795

Sure, I do.

00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,463

Why, I think Inspector

Butters could find out

00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:11,382

what daddy's getting mommy

without him ever knowing.

00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:13,134

What do you say?

00:02:13,259 --> 00:02:14,927

Inspector Butters

is on the case, ma'am.

00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,554

[singing] Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:02:16,679 --> 00:02:18,222

Well, that's me!

00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:28,816

[ominous piano music]

00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,368

Hmm, Dad's going

to see a movie.

00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,288

How nice.

00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:45,791

[doorbell rings]

00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:50,171

"White Swallow

Bath House."

00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,672

[singing] Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,799

Well, that's me!

00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,385

I'm back, Ma.

00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,845

Oh, hi, sweetie.

00:02:57,970 --> 00:02:59,054

Did you get to follow

your dad around?

00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,181

I sure did.

00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:01,849

Dad sure had

a nice night out.

00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,851

Well, did you see what he

got me for our anniversary?

00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:05,477

Well, first he went

to see a movie.

00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,271

A movie?

Huh.

00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,523

I wonder why he'd want to

see a movie by himself.

00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,525

I don't know, but it wasn't at

the movie theater at the mall.

00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,277

It was that really old

theater downtown,

00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:15,446

The Studcat.

00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:16,739

I didn't even know

it was open.

00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,949

Wait a minute.

What was the movie called?

00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,534

"Fisting Firemen 9."

00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,785

I've never seen

one through eight.

00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,329

Oh, my God.

00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,206

It must've been

a real short movie, though,

00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,541

because Dad came out, like,

10 minutes later.

00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,126

It must've been

a sad film, too,

00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,878

because he had a bunch of

tissue paper with him

00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,171

when he came out.

00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,131

Poor ol' dad.

Movie really got to him.

00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:36,467

Butters, where did Daddy

go after the movie?

00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:37,468

To the gym.

00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,761

To the gym?

00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:39,720

Yeah,

the White Swallow Spa.

00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:40,930

Ah!

00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:42,473

Yup, he went in there

and he wrestled

00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:43,474

with all kind of guys.

00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,767

He wasn't too good, though.

00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,935

This one black guy

had him pinned down

00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:48,062

for 15 minutes straight.

00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:49,730

Butters,

are you sure about this?

00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,565

You have to be

absolutely sure.

00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,234

Inspector Butters

gets all the facts.

00:03:53,359 --> 00:03:54,902

I even got some

neat-o pictures.

00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:02,326

The only thing

I can't figure out

00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,286

is why dad told you he was going

shopping for your present

00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,830

when he was going out

seeing movies and wrestling?

00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:08,582

Oh, did you have

a nice trip, Ma?

00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,709

See you next fall.

[laughs]

00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,127

Mom?

00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:14,129

[singing] Butters!

- Well, that's me!

00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,510

Paint...

Must paint...

00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,178

Everything clean...

00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:22,888

Paint...

00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,432

Well, honey, you've painted

the entire house

00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,809

three times.

00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:27,977

Must paint.

00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,980

Everything clean.

Everything new.

00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,982

Say, Butters,

I'm having real trouble

00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:34,692

finding an anniversary

present for mom.

00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:35,734

Any ideas?

00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,486

Hmm, I can't think of one.

00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,154

Well, then, it looks like

I'm gonna have to

00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,489

go out shopping again.

00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,157

Ah!

Paint.

00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,118

Everything clean,

everything new.

00:04:44,243 --> 00:04:45,369

Paint.

00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:49,456

I'll be back

in a little while.

00:04:49,581 --> 00:04:51,208

Should I go try and see

what he gets you again, Mom?

00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,168

I don't think

Daddy's shopping.

00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,671

I think Daddy's going out

wrestling again.

00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,465

Paint.

Paint.

00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,092

Must be made clean.

00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:01,051

New.

00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:02,720

Hey, a new paintbrush.

00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,430

That's what Dad could get

Mom for their anniversary.

00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:05,681

I gotta go tell him.

00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,599

Must clean Butters.

00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:08,600

Clean.

00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:11,061

Never be clean.

00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,772

Must...kill?

00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,733

The only way...

00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:18,360

Must kill Butters.

00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:19,778

Paint.

00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,947

[singing] Butters!

- Well, that's me!

00:05:23,574 --> 00:05:26,327

[doorbell rings]

00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:27,494

One, please.

00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:28,704

Locker 213.

00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,206

Thanks.

00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:35,669

[singing]

That's what takes me high

00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:38,714

Dad?

Dad, you in here?

00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:44,470

Hello, anybody in here?

00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,221

There, do you think

that works?

00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:47,639

Well, that's four fingers.

Try five.

00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:49,266

Mr. Garrison?

00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,184

Who is that?

00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,188

Dad?

00:05:54,313 --> 00:05:55,606

Dad!

00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,107

Are you wrestling in here?

00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,108

Dad?

00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,735

This room's taken.

00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:03,072

Oh, pardon me, sirs.

00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,365

Dad?

00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,075

No.

00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,701

Hmm.

00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,745

Ah, Butters!

00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,121

Hi, Dad!

00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,623

Oh, God.

00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:14,500

I'm glad I found ya.

00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,335

I think I know the perfect

anniversary present for Mom.

00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,337

What are you doing with

your wiener out there, Dad?

00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,422

Butters, you need

to leave here right now.

00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,132

You need

to get out of here.

00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,385

Go home and wait for me

to talk to you.

00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:25,886

Oh, alright then.

00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,514

We'll see you at home.

00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,516

Oh, Jesus, no.

00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,809

Oh, what have I done?

00:06:34,645 --> 00:06:35,646

[singing] Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:37,106

Well, that's me!

00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:39,316

Butters.

Oh, Butters.

00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,610

Could you come see me

in my study real quick?

00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,070

Hey, Dad.

00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,655

Come here, Son.

I want to have a talk with you.

00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:45,989

Well, sure thing, Dad.

00:06:46,115 --> 00:06:48,659

Son, I want to talk to you

about lying.

00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:51,745

Oh, I know lying's bad, Dad.

You told me so.

00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,664

Yes, it sure can be.

00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:55,416

But there are also times

00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:58,669

when distorting the truth

a little is appropriate.

00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,921

These are called

"little white lies."

00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,589

Little white lies?

00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,883

You see, sometimes telling

a little white lie is okay.

00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,261

Like, for instance,

when you catch your father

00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:09,596

jacking off

in a gay men's bath house.

00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:10,681

Who's Jack?

00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:12,850

Butters,

the point is that

00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:15,602

I think that if you told Mommy

what Daddy was doing tonight,

00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,605

well, she might go

completely insane.

00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,982

Oh, no, that

won't happen, Dad.

00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,608

It won't?

Alright, good.

00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:24,027

No, because I already

told Mom and she's fine.

00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:25,737

You what?

00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:28,657

Butters, Mommy wants to take

you for a little drive now.

00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,075

A drive?

Oh, boy!

00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,286

I love a good drive.

Is Dad coming, too?

00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:34,621

No, sweetie.

Daddy needs to sit and think.

00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,165

Alright.

See you in a bit, Dad.

00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:38,792

Oh, boy, a drive.

00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:42,629

[singing] What a bright time,

it's the right time

00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,423

Oh, jeez, you wouldn't

believe how angry I was

00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,341

when the teacher said I had to

share my finger paints,

00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,260

because I've been

sharing them all along.

00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,512

Butters,

you know that Mommy loves you

00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,680

an awful lot, don't you?

00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,141

Well, sure I do, Mom.

I love you, too.

00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:55,642

And sometimes

mommies do things

00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,644

that seem hurtful

to their babies,

00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,771

but it's really

for the best.

00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:01,732

You mean like the time you

washed my mouth out with soap

00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,233

for saying "nut sack"

in front of Grandma.

00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,860

Yeah, I need

to behave myself.

00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,278

If a mommy

has to end her life,

00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,654

she can't let her baby

alone in the world

00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:10,157

to be raised

by a sick pervert.

00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:12,409

Well, sure, that makes sense,

I suppose--yeah.

00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,744

Hey, did you see

my mittens anywhere?

00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:15,204

It's cold out here.

00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,247

I'm going to get out

of the car now, Butters.

00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:19,583

I want you to stay put

with your seatbelt fastened.

00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,710

Oh, well,

alright, Mom.

00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:25,297

Okay, then.

00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,050

You know, I think the car

might be moving, Mom.

00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,552

Yep, I'm pretty sure

the car's moving.

00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,179

Looks like I'm heading

for the water.

00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:34,598

Shh. Shh.

It's okay, baby.

00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,767

Mommy will be

with you very soon.

00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,435

Well, I think--

00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,562

Yep, it looks like the car's

filling up with water.

00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,523

Yeah, I think maybe now

might be a good time

00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:45,817

to come back inside the car

and drive, Mom.

00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:47,236

[singing] Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:49,071

Well, that's me!

00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,614

"Dear Bastard Husband,"

00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,824

No.

"Dear Lying Son of a Bitch!"

00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:54,284

No.

00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,119

"Dear Ass Face."

Yes, that's it.

00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:57,246

"I will no longer--"

00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,622

Linda, what are

you doing?

00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,415

Stay away from me, bastard!

00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,042

Linda, I know

this is very hard.

00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,086

You don't know anything!

00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,963

I've been wanting to stop

going to those places, Linda,

00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:06,964

but I couldn't.

00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:08,006

I still love you.

00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,800

Then why, Chris, why?

00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:12,803

It just--it started as some

curiosity on the internet.

00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:15,389

I would chat with other

married guys in the chat rooms,

00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,558

and, well, the things

they would talk about, Linda.

00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,560

I don't know why I found it

exciting; I just did.

00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,770

And it grew from there

and spun out of control.

00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,481

And...

Damn you, internet!

00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,567

You don't have to worry

about your family

00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,360

being in your way anymore.

00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,571

No, Linda.

I don't want that lifestyle.

00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,447

It's just kind of

an addiction.

00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:34,616

I want help,

and I'm going to get help.

00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,535

Please, just give me a chance

to make this all up to you.

00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,161

We can have a normal life.

00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,706

There is no going back, Chris.

00:09:40,831 --> 00:09:41,873

Sure there is.

00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:44,585

No!

Our son is dead.

00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,712

What?

00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,630

I killed him.

00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,215

I was going to end it all

00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,593

and everything spun

out of control for me.

00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:56,513

I drowned Butters in the car,

Chris!

00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:57,889

Oh, no.

00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:01,018

No, no, Jesus, Linda.

What were you thinking?

00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:02,603

I wasn't thinking!

00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,354

I couldn't think.

00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:07,357

You destroyed my life, you!

00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,943

Oh, God, what have I done?

00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,237

Oh, Butters!

00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,031

This can't be happening.

00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,616

This is a bad dream.

00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,701

Just go away and let me die!

00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,369

No, Linda, we--

00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,246

I'm a murderer, Chris.

00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:25,083

I don't have a life now!

00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,002

Linda, Butters is gone.

00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,420

Oh, Christ.

00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,755

If Butters is gone,

00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,215

there's nothing

we can do about that.

00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:33,925

But I won't let you go to jail.

I promise.

00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:36,136

Linda, please.

00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,765

[both sobbing]

00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,649

Oh, boy, this thing

ain't never gonna stop.

00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:51,318

I must be all the way

down to Denver by now.

00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,112

Crash!

00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,530

Oh, whoopee!

00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,907

Finally.

00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,450

Well, now that the car

has come to a stop,

00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,243

it's safe for me

to unfasten my seatbelt.

00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:05,582

Boy, Mom must be worried sick

about me right now.

00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:09,461

I gotta get back home.

00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,213

Gee whiz.

Where the heck am I?

00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,133

[singing] Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,802

Well, that's me!

00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,095

Tom, I'm standing

in front of the home

00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:19,846

of Chris and Linda Stotch.

00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,807

They're living every parent's

nightmare right now,

00:11:21,932 --> 00:11:23,266

As last night,

while Mrs. Stotch was driving

00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,851

with her son in the car,

00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,103

a man stopped her,

put a gun to her head,

00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:27,604

and took her son away.

00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,940

When asked who the man was,

Mrs. Stotch replied,

00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,983

"some Puerto Rican guy."

00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:33,610

Naturally, the police

are on an all-out manhunt

00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,904

for some Puerto Rican guy.

00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,907

Looks like the parents are about

to make a statement, Tom.

00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,367

Mrs. Stotch.

Mrs. Stotch.

00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:41,952

Any word yet from the man

who took your son?

00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:43,412

No, no.

Not yet.

00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,414

But if you're out there,

we beg you.

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:48,458

We just want our baby

returned safely back to us.

00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,335

Mrs. Stotch, what did

the kidnapper look like?

00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,336

Puerto Rican.

00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:52,671

Was he tall?

Short?

00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,799

He was average

Puerto Rican height.

00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,135

Please, just bring

our baby back to me.

00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:01,304

[singing] Butters!

- Well, that's me!

00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:03,557

So then my friend

started hollering at me, saying,

00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,100

"you took my rubber bands."

00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,309

Well, I didn't take 'em;

Craig did.

00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,061

I saw Craig take 'em.

00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,688

Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky

you came along, Mister.

00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:11,148

Yeah, too bad

you're not a broad

00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:13,358

'cause I need some

God damn poontang.

00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,318

Yeah, I could use some

God damn poontang myself

00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:16,987

right now.

00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:18,029

Have you ever been

to Bennigan's, Mister?

00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,740

Oh, it sure is great.

00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,658

I'm going to Bennigan's

tomorrow night with my family.

00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:22,784

Oh, I can just see it now.

00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,453

We'll walk in

the front doors

00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:25,954

and the nice Bennigan's

hostess lady

00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,622

will take us

to our cozy booth.

00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:30,625

Then we'll order some mozzarella

sticks for appetizers.

00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,961

Dad will open his present;

Mom will open hers.

00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,422

Then the Bennigan's

waitstaff will sing.

00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,923

[singing]

Happy, happy anniversary

00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,967

from everyone at Bennigan's

00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,554

Happy, happy anniversary

from everyone at Bennigan's

00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:43,847

Happy, happy anniversary

00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,682

from everyone at Bennigan's

00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:46,725

Happy, happy--

00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,143

Ooh, are we stopping for sodas?

00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,187

Hey, can I get

a chocolate milk?

00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,696

He must like

T.G.I. Friday's.

00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,742

[phone ringing]

00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,076

Let us handle it.

00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,953

Barbrady.

00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,205

Hello?

00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:09,372

Oh, hello.

00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:10,373

Who is this?

00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,875

Who is this?

00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,877

Uh, is this

the Stotch residence?

00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,962

Yes, are you calling

about the abduction?

00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,047

No.

00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,299

Oh.

Are you Puerto Rican?

00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,385

No.

00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:23,762

We need to keep

this line clear.

00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,139

Call back another day.

00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,016

It wasn't the abductor.

Sorry.

00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,268

Chief, two more parents

from the next town over

00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,937

have shown up,

saying their child

00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:33,271

might've been killed

by the same guy

00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,023

that took the Stotch boy.

00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,399

Really?

00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:38,652

This is John and Patsy Ramsey

from Boulder.

00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:39,986

We saw your story

on the news.

00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,947

We're so sorry

to hear about your loss.

00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,156

Our daughter

was killed a few years ago

00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:44,908

in our house.

00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,118

Yes, I remember hearing

something about that.

00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:50,038

And we realized

the man that murdered your son

00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,165

must be the same person

that killed our daughter.

00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,792

Yeah, because we

certainly didn't do it.

00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,710

No.

[nervous laughter]

00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:56,753

No.

- No.

00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,547

Well, our son

was abducted.

00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,048

We don't know that

he's dead yet.

00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,425

Both: Right...

00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:05,554

[singing] Butters!

Well, that's me!

00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,681

Sir?

Hello?

00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,099

Yeah, what can I do for ya?

00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,809

I have to get

to South Park.

00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,143

If you give me a ride,

00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,062

I can pay you the $4

I made at the titty bar.

00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,314

Sorry, wife took the car

to Estes Park for the weekend.

00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,567

Won't be back until Sunday.

00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,318

I can give you a ride

Sunday if you like.

00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:21,945

I can't wait till Sunday.

00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,822

I'm eating with my family

at Bennigan's tomorrow.

00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,323

Well, then, looks like

you're walking.

00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:26,616

Will I eventually

get to South Park

00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:27,951

if I follow this road?

00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,703

That road leads to Conifer.

00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:30,829

You want to go to South Park,

00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:32,956

you gotta go down that road.

00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:35,584

[lightning crackles]

00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:38,920

Of course, I ain't never seen

anyone go up that road.

00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,673

Six years ago a group of campers

went up there and got lost.

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,466

Had to eat each other

to stay alive.

00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:44,926

Used to be the way

to the O'Reilly house.

00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:46,344

He butchered

over 50 children

00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:48,096

and kept their bodies

in a cellar.

00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,265

But you should find

an old bridge about halfway up.

00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,766

That bridge is cursed,

you know.

00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,685

They built it with the bones

of 200 Chinese laborers

00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,020

who were massacred in '34.

00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:58,148

Yeah, a lot of history

on that road.

00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,275

Well, it's my Parents'

anniversary tomorrow

00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,360

and they're gonna be awful sad

if I'm not there with them.

00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:04,613

Well, good luck then.

00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:08,199

Oh, jeez.

00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:11,828

Or is South Park

down that road?

00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,497

It's so very hard to lose

a loved one, isn't it?

00:15:14,623 --> 00:15:16,416

Yes, it--it sure is.

00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:19,502

Thank goodness we have

each other to share our grief.

00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:20,629

Thank goodness.

00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:21,630

Here he is.

00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,006

John, Patsy.

00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,633

Hello, Gary.

Great to see you.

00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:25,967

Chris and Linda,

00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,969

this is our good friend

Congressman Gary Condit.

00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,387

He also lost someone

close to him

00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,014

and thinks it has

something to do with

00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,724

the same Puerto Rican guy

that hurt our kids.

00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:34,643

We're going to get

that son of a bitch.

00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,895

Yes, I sure hope we do.

00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:38,271

I spoke with the F.B.I.,

00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,648

and some Puerto Rican guy

00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:42,108

has just made their number one

most wanted.

00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,736

Oh, good.

Maybe now they'll catch him.

00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:46,696

Oh, here's another member

of our support group.

00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:47,781

O.J.

00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:48,990

Hey, guys.

00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,575

Chris, Linda,

you know O.J. Simpson.

00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,535

Oh, sure.

00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:56,164

O.J.'s wife was killed

by some Puerto Rican guy, too.

00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,166

Yep, it was some

Puerto Rican guy, alright.

00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,626

So you see,

Chris and Linda,

00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,294

There are people like you

all over the country

00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:03,338

who have been affected

by some Puerto Rican guy.

00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:04,756

Hey, let's make

Chris and Linda

00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,591

an official part

of the group.

00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,842

Yeah!

- Alright!

00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,261

One of us.

One of us.

00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:11,513

Gooble gobble.

00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,682

[all chanting]

One of us. One of us.

00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,767

Gooble gobble.

Gooble gobble.

00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:16,768

Gooble gobble.

00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,812

One of us.

One of us.

00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:24,693

[singing] For family fun

and great food, too

00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,779

come on down to Bennigan's

00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:30,407

[creature howling]

00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:33,660

[singing] Buffalo wings

and fried cheese sticks

00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:37,330

the best are found

at Bennigan's

00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,126

Ah, hello?

00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:45,338

[creature howling]

00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,509

[singing] So, come and eat

at Bennigan's

00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:54,139

you'll love all our

shenanigans

00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,808

[creature growling]

00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,563

Oh, nut sack.

00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:02,897

[gasps]

Oops!

00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:07,110

[singing] Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,528

Well, that's me!

00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,613

No, Linda,

because you can't now say

00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:12,532

that the abductor

was Costa Rican.

00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:13,867

You have to learn

to keep it straight!

00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:15,452

I can't keep it straight

00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:17,370

when you keep inventing

new parts to the story.

00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,456

Hey, don't forget

that I'm covering for you!

00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:21,791

Don't forget your lies

started all this.

00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,334

My lies may have

been deceitful,

00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:25,003

but your lies cover up

something much more horrible

00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:26,838

than anything I ever did.

00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:27,839

Happy anniversary!

00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:28,882

Not now, Butters.

00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:30,008

Oh, alright then.

00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,718

Butters?

00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,803

Oh, Butters.

- Son, I don't believe it!

00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:34,971

I'm sorry.

00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,347

The car just

rolled into the lake

00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,891

and then floated all the way

down the river.

00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,392

Oh, my baby's back!

00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:40,727

I ain't grounded, am I?

00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,437

No, no, Butters.

00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,105

Oh, Son, we're--

00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:47,525

Oh, we're gonna need you

to tell a little white lie

00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,152

about where you've been,

though, alright?

00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:50,153

Lie?

00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:51,446

Oh, yes.

00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:52,822

Darling, you're going to

have to say

00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,240

you don't know

how you got home.

00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:55,575

No, you have to say

that a Puerto Rican man

00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,577

dropped you off.

00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:59,370

Oh, who's going to believe

he would just drop him off?

00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:00,955

Hey, you should stop

your hollering.

00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,457

It's your anniversary.

00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,084

You're the one

who made up the stuff

00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:05,043

about the Puerto Rican,

idiot!

00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,586

Stop it,

Mom and Dad.

00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,338

Well, you're the one

that couldn't back it up

00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:09,547

with a description,

stupid!

00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,884

Now, gosh darn it,

you listen here!

00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:16,304

Now, I am sick of these harmless

lies and little white lies.

00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,765

You know, you can call a shovel

an ice cream machine,

00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:20,600

but it's still a shovel,

Mom and Dad.

00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,477

And you can call a lie

whatever you want

00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,063

but it's still

a no-good, stinkin' lie.

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,398

And when you start covering up

one lie with another lie,

00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,943

why, that's when you get

into real trouble.

00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:34,572

Boy, I--I've just about had it

up to here with you two.

00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,118

Butters...

00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:39,661

You're as right as rain.

00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,621

You sure are.

00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:43,790

I ain't in trouble

for hollering at you, am I?

00:18:43,915 --> 00:18:46,793

No, Butters, you're the best

son in the whole world,

00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:49,754

and I am so happy

you're alive.

00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,798

Well, I'm happy

you're alive too, Mom.

00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:53,550

So now can we

go to Bennigan's?

00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:55,051

You bet, son.

00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:58,096

But Mommy and Daddy have

something they have to do first.

00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:04,310

We have an announcement

to make.

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,479

Our son has been returned to us.

00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:07,605

[cheers and applause]

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,482

Oh, alright!

00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:10,775

Butters was missing?

00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,735

But that isn't all

we have to say.

00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:15,697

You see, we learned a very

important lesson tonight,

00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:18,533

and it took the smarts

of our young son to show us.

00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,868

Yeah!

00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,619

We've learned

that deception is wrong

00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,288

and that the only thing

to ever make it right again

00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:24,289

is to come clean.

00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,124

Yeah!

00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:28,751

You see, I've been deceiving

my wife for several months.

00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:30,753

I was going to gay movie

and bath houses

00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,756

and having sex with random men

who were complete strangers.

00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:35,550

Yeah--

wait, what?

00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,177

Ha-ho!

00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:38,803

And when I found out

I went crazy.

00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:41,764

I went crazy and I drove my son

into the lake to kill him.

00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,684

Uh, kill me?

Jesus Christ!

00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,144

Damn, dude.

00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:49,063

So you see, there was no

"some Puerto Rican guy."

00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,732

He doesn't exist.

00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,109

And so the people

we owe the biggest apology to

00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,154

are the Ramseys,

Congressman Condit, and O.J.

00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,697

We gave you false hope

00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:59,657

for finding the person

who hurt those close to you,

00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,576

and we're sorry.

00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,828

Now we're just happy we won't

have to live a life of secrets.

00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,788

For I knew that even though

some of you supported us,

00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,291

some others were looking

at me and thinking,

00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,752

"you're a liar!

"You're a liar!"

00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,837

"You know something

that you're not telling us,

00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:16,424

you slimy scumbag liar!"

00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,176

You know, that's what people

would say to me.

00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,678

And then people would see

my wife in the supermarket,

00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,805

and they would say, "hello,"

but they'd be thinking,

00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:25,683

"ah, there goes that murderer!

00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:26,935

"You got away with murder,

00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,687

you murdering,

lying waste of life!"

00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,565

And to me, people might

say things like,

00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:33,900

"liar!"

00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:37,654

"Tell us what you know,

you Goddamn liar!"

00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,155

And so to both of us,

00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,824

people all over town

would be saying things like,

00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,577

"you know goddamn well

what happened to your kid,

00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:46,412

"so stop acting

like victims

00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:50,250

"and confess,

you murdering murderers!"

00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:54,003

"Confess, liar, confess!"

00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,965

You know, and that's what people

would be saying to us.

00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:00,343

And, so, we just had to come

forward and tell the truth.

00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:01,761

We're sorry

we lied to you all.

00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,137

It won't happen again.

00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:04,764

And now if you'll excuse us,

00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:06,975

this family

has to get to Bennigan's.

00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,518

Oh, alright!

00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,439

Wow, dude.

00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,983

Your dad's a perv

and your mom tried to kill you.

00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,776

Yeah.

00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,528

Boy, you fellas sure are gonna

rip on me in school now.

00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:19,904

We sure are.

00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:21,572

I really wish

I didn't know that stuff.

00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:23,825

I guess I learned that sometimes

lying can be for the best, yep.

00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,910

Oh, well, when I have a chipotle

blue cheese bacon burger

00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,578

at Bennigan's,

00:21:27,704 --> 00:21:28,913

I'll forget all about

my dad being queer

00:21:29,038 --> 00:21:30,039

and my mom trying

to kill me.

00:21:30,164 --> 00:21:31,124

I'm gonna be okay.

00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:32,292

Really?

- No, I'm lying.

00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:33,376

Let's go, Son.

00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:34,794

Coming, Dad!

00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:36,170

[singing] Everyone knows

it's Butters!

00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,505

Well, that's me!