Картманлэнд

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave

my woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

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♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

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Westside.

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♪ Come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet

some friends of mine ♪

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And so it is

with heavy hearts

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that we say good bye

to Mabel Louise Cartman.

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She was a good woman,

a community leader,

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a caring wife,

providing mother,

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and a loving

grandmother.

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Mom, it's 3:30.

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This is taking up

my whole Saturday.

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Shh, pumpkin,

it's almost over.

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Why couldn't the funeral

have been on a school day?

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And now let us bow our heads

in a moment of silence

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and reflect on how

Mabel touched our lives.

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God, she didn't take

this long to die.

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And now we release the doves

to symbolize the Lord

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taking Mabel into his arms

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and giving her

everlasting peace.

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Peace.

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Great.

Now can we go?

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No, sweetie, we have to tend

to some of grandma's business.

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Ohh!

God damn it!

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"And so I leave

my stocks and bonds

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"worth an estimated $14.12

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to be divided amongst

my loving family."

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Mom, I wanna go home!

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In a minute, sweetie.

This is important.

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"My loving son Stinky, I leave

you the house in Nebraska.

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Look after it as

your father and I did."

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Blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah.

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"To my grandson Eric,

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"you were always my favorite

fat little man,

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my perfect round little

pudding piler."

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Oh God, you have to

embarrass me

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even in death, Grandma.

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"For you, Eric, I leave,

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"from my life savings,

the sum of $1 million,

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to be transferred

to you immediately."

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Whosa-jigga-what?

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A million dollars?

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"Eric is the primary

benefactor of my estate,

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"since it is likely

the rest of you

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would spend the money

on crack."

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Oh, my.

- That can't be!

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Excuse me.

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Does this mean I have

$1 million?

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Yes, Eric, it's yours.

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No way.

You don't understand.

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Since I was two years old,

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it has been my dream

to have $1 million.

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And now you do.

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Oh.

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There you are,

Jennifer Lopez!

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You've been most

uncooperative, Miss Lopez.

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No, please!

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I promise I'll never make

another album or movie.

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It's too late

for that, Miss Lopez.

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Have mercy!

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Pop!

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Yeah-ha!

- Awesome!

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You guys, you guys!

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Why?

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Because!

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Nuh-uh.

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No, swear to God,

it's true...

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You better not

be lying, Kenny.

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999,400...

999,500...

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Damn, Dan, I've never

seen that much cash.

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Me neither.

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999,900...

1 million.

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Look at it.

Look at it, Mother.

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See how the light reflects

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the spearmint green

from its surface.

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Eric, that is

a lot of money.

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Don't you think you

should keep it in the bank

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instead of at your house?

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I'm not keeping it,

Mr. Garrison.

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I'm spending it.

- On what?

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On my dream,

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on the one thing

that I've wanted

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ever since I can remember.

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Excuse me, son.

I'm an investment broker.

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I can help you

invest that money.

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Nuh-uh,

I'm spending it.

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Eric, God could sure use that

money for a bigger church.

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I think God has

plenty of money.

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What the hell

are you doing, fat-ass?

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Not much, just taking

my $1 million out of the bank.

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Oh, my God.

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Kenny wasn't lying.

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Would you mind stepping aside?

I've got a purchase to make.

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Dude, can you loan me

20 bucks for a new jacket?

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Ha! If you need money,

you can get a job, Stan!

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No freeloaders are gonna take

my hard-earned cash.

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Your grandma left it to you.

You didn't earn it!

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Didn't earn it?

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What about all the years I spent

making grandma like me,

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all the wet, spit-filled

kisses I put up with,

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the constant smell

of aspirin and pee?

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Don't tell me I didn't earn it,

you son of a bitch!

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No, no,

this is impossible.

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Yeah, it's unbelievable.

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No, I mean this

isn't impossible, Stan.

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Cartman is the biggest

asshole in the world.

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How is it that God gives him

a million dollars?

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Come on, we got to see what

Cartman is doing with his money.

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Why?

How could you do this?

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There are people

starving in Alabama,

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and you give Cartman

a million dollars?

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And if we can just get you

to sign here and here.

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You're sure this is what

you want, sweetie?

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My own amusement park,

Mother, I'm sure.

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And now you just

sign here, Mr. Foon.

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I can't do it.

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What?

- What?

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I can't sell

this poor kid my park.

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Look, I haven't been

honest with you.

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The park hasn't been

doing great business.

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Frank, shh.

- It ain't right, Chris.

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The truth is, the park

is a financial flop.

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I haven't turned

a profit in years

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because I can't keep

attendance up.

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Oh, but I'm not buying

the park to get people to come.

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You--you're not?

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No, no, no.

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I'm buying it

to keep people out!

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Don't you see?

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Forever it has been my dream

to have my very own theme park

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so that I could be alone in it

all day, every day.

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I love theme parks,

but the lines...

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Everywhere you go--

people, crowds.

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The rides are great,

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but all the lines,

lines, lines!

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If there's

one thing I hate,

00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:38,297

all the lines, lines,

lines, lines!

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And then there get to be

so many people

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that they make "fast pass."

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So then there's lines

for fast pass.

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You stand in line to get a

ticket to stand in line later.

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Then there's lines

for the bathrooms,

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lines for the drinks,

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lines for kartankulas

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and rare kartankula plinks.

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And so you see,

this park is for me.

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Nobody else

will be allowed in.

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Oh, well, then I guess

I don't feel bad.

00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,450

Mr. Cartman, congratulations.

The theme park is yours.

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Gentlemen, I thank you.

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Kyle?

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Dude, what are you

doing here?

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Everybody's

looking for you.

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Kyle?

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Do you know what happened

to me this morning, Stan?

00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,302

This morning I woke up

and felt a sharp pain in my ass.

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I felt down there and found

this big, sore lump...

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On my ass, Stan.

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I couldn't even

sit down, so...

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I had to tell my mother,

which was humiliating.

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She took me to the doctor,

which was more humiliating,

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and he told me...

I have a hemorrhoid.

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It's like an infected

blood vessel on your ass.

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I'm nine years old,

and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan.

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I have a hemorrhoid,

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and Cartman has

his own theme park.

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Kyle, I understand

what you mean, but--

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Do you?

Do you, Stan?

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Because all my life I was

raised to believe in Jehovah,

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to believe that we should all

behave a certain way

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and good things

will come to us.

00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,257

I make mistakes, but every week

I try to better myself.

00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,884

I'm always saying, "you know,

I learned something today."

00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,469

And what does this so-called

God give me in return?

00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,263

A hemorrhoid.

00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,140

It doesn't make sense.

What is your logic?

00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,975

Ow.

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Look, Cartman, he thinks

he's gonna be happy

00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,395

because he has his own

amusement park,

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but he's gonna find out

that without other people,

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the rides are

totally lame.

00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:22,025

I mean, who could really

have fun by themselves

00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,318

at a theme park?

00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,820

I'll bet he's

sick of it already.

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Yes! Yes!

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Awesome!

00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,036

Ho! Ho!

00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:36,290

Sweet, yes!

00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,292

Keep your arms and legs

inside the vehicle at all times.

00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:39,751

Make sure your seat belt

is fastened.

00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,837

Enjoy the mine shaft!

00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,465

Heh, heh, heh-heh.

00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:48,051

Yes! Yes!

00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:51,805

Oh, cool!

00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,056

Oh, look how much

fun I had.

00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,435

Whoa!

Heh, heh, heh.

00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,562

Waa!

Heh, heh.

00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,439

Whoa!

Heh, heh, heh.

00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:04,776

Ooh, Adventure Island.

Check it out. Awesome!

00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:08,238

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:11,783

I'm so happy.

00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:15,037

I'm so happy!

00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,209

Oh, hey, dude,

Terrance & Phillip

00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,627

is just about to start.

00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:22,211

Great.

- What's that?

00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,004

it's my seat ring.

00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,631

I have to sit on it

because of my hemorrhoid.

00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,049

Ow.

- Heh, heh. Sorry.

00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,967

So how are things going

at Cartman's theme park?

00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,511

Dude,

just forget about it.

00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,720

We can't let him

get to us, or he wins.

00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,055

I guess you're right.

00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,682

Hey, everybody check out

the all-new Cartmanland!

00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,476

It's our Grand Opening!

00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,645

Cartmanland has over

100 fabulous rides,

00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,439

six roller coasters,

and tons of great surprises.

00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,567

And the best part is,

you can't come!

00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,569

That's right,

because at Cartmanland,

00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,947

Only I, Eric Cartman,

can get in.

00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,533

That means only I can ride

the all-new Tornado Twister,

00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:55,202

a roller coaster that splashes

into water--wow!

00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,579

It's the greatest amusement park

in the Colorado area.

00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,249

And nobody can go,

especially Stan and Kyle!

00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,750

Ha, ha, ha!

00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,627

So come on down

to Cartmanland now,

00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,087

but don't plan on getting

past the parking lot,

00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047

'Cause remember:

00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,591

♪ So much to do at Cartmanland

but you can't come ♪

00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,760

Especially you,

Stan and Kyle.

00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,928

That does it!

Come on, dude.

00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,596

Where are we going?

00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:15,973

We're getting into

that fat-ass's park,

00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:16,848

whether he likes it

or not.

00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,228

Whoa!

Heh, heh.

00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,604

Whoa.

00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,064

Whoa!

Heh, heh, heh.

00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,983

Oh, man,

that was awesome!

00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,151

That one part with the spider

that dropped on you--

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:29,945

oh, man, that totally got me;

that was sweet.

00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,282

Help! Help! Help!

Oh, that hurts!

00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,783

Help!

Oh, that hurts!

00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,285

You sons of bitches!

00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,828

Come on, dude!

00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,997

Oh God, I popped it!

Oh, it hurts!

00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,039

What the hell

are you doing?

00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,541

Oh crap.

00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,042

Oh God, get me

off of here!

00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,295

Dude!

00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,963

Stan, I have to go home.

00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,507

I need my cream.

I need my cream!

00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,633

Alright, let's go.

00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,093

That's right.

You stay out!

00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,137

You can't keep us out forever,

you fucking fat-ass!

00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,014

We'll be back as soon as Kyle's

hemorrhoid is better.

00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,640

My life can't

get any worse!

00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,808

You'll see.

We'll get in.

00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:03,979

Alright, so listen.

00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,230

All I want you to do

is keep anybody out

00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,815

who tries to get in here.

00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,317

If you see anybody

on my proper-tuh,

00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,986

especially Stan and Kyle,

you are to shoot on sight.

00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,863

So what does

this job pay?

00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,156

Alright,

now this is very hard

00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,657

for me to do, you understand.

00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,159

But in return for you

working security,

00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,161

I'll let you ride

two rides a day,

00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,830

but only two rides

and only if I'm not on them.

00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:26,835

Uh, I'm afraid I don't

really like rides.

00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,129

But you can ride

anything you want,

00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,548

and you don't have to

wait in line.

00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,050

I'm not interested.

00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,052

Dude, are you from Mars

or something?

00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,887

Any ride you want,

no lines.

00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:40,140

if you need security,

I need a cash salary.

00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,266

But I don't

have any cash.

00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,768

I spent everything

on this park.

00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,019

Well, look,

why don't you just let

00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,979

a couple of people in

each day?

00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,523

Every day you can just

let two people in,

00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,942

charge $29.95 for tickets,

00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:54,029

and then you can use that

to pay my daily salary.

00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,156

Ugh, two people!

00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,533

This place is huge.

You'll never notice two people.

00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,535

And then you'll have

security for your park.

00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,037

Well, alright,

God damn it.

00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,830

I'll open the park

to two people each day.

00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,041

But remember, anybody else you

see trespassing in the park...

00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,377

I will shoot on sight.

- Sweet.

00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,214

You're a very

lucky little boy.

00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,299

I've never seen

a hemorrhoid so infected.

00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,801

It could've killed you.

00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:17,552

Lucky.

00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,971

Oh, look, Kyle, your little

friend Stan is here to see you.

00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,848

Dude, you okay?

- Oh, I'm swell, Stan.

00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,725

I popped my hemorrhoid

trying to climb the fence

00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,102

into Cartmanland,

and it got infected.

00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,728

I really need to go

to the bathroom,

00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,896

but if I do,

it will pop again,

00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,022

and the pain will

make me pass out.

00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,607

How are you?

00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:31,942

Well, I found out

that Cartman's letting

00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,694

a few people each day

into his theme park.

00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:36,154

I was thinking we could put

on disguises and get in.

00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,907

I'm afraid Kyle can't ride

any amusement park rides

00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,660

for over a year because of

his horrible hemorrhoid.

00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,495

Jesus.

00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,539

But it's okay, Stan, because

I finally figured it out.

00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:46,915

You see,

if someone like Cartman

00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,750

can get a million dollars

and his own theme park,

00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,712

then there is no God;

there's no God, dude.

00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,130

Kyle, don't

say such things!

00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,923

Why? Why, Mom?

00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,800

Because if I do, something

bad will happen to me?

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,593

Because if I do,

your God might not shower me

00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,178

with his blessings of

infected hemorrhoids?

00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,180

Kyle, you just don't

understand; it's--

00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,974

No, I finally do

understand!

00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,976

There is no justice!

There is no God!

00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:09,020

Do you hear me?

I renounce my faith!

00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,566

Alright, alright,

listen up, people.

00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,277

Cartmanland is open but only

to two people each day.

00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,070

Aww!

00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,572

I've just got to cover

my security expenses.

00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,865

Butters, Clyde,

you can come in.

00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,783

Oh!

00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,493

The rest of you will just

have to try another day.

00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,582

Hey, one park admission.

That'll be $29.95, sir.

00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:29,916

Five cents

is your change.

00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,251

Enjoy your stay

at Cartmanland.

00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,503

Oh boy, oh boy!

00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,005

And enjoy your stay

at Cartmanland.

00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,590

Oh, finally work is over.

00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,217

Now I can get back

to riding my rides.

00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,470

♪ Da-da-da

I've got my own theme park ♪

00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:42,971

Hmm, what should

I go on now?

00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:46,641

I know; I'll go on

the Haunted Mansion ride again!

00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,143

♪ Da-da da da

da-da da-da-da ♪

00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,811

♪ Da da- ♪

00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,021

What are you doing?

00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,564

We're in line

for the Spook House.

00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:53,982

Line? Line?

00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,984

I hate lines!

00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,569

Can't you go on something

else right now?

00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:58,653

We want to see

the Spook House.

00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,781

Well, we paid $29.95.

00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,157

We should be able to go

in the Spook House.

00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,700

Yeah, but I think

it's broke down.

00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,910

The cars aren't moving.

00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,036

Alright, alright,

hang on.

00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,245

Security!

00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,246

What?

00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,623

Oh! Jesus, look,

00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:10,665

the Haunted House ride

broke down.

00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,875

I need you to fix it.

00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,668

Uh, I'm security,

not maintenance.

00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,170

But I don't know

how it works.

00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,838

Your rides are gonna

break down every now and then.

00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,715

You need to hire

a maintenance person.

00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,175

Uh, alright, alright.

00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,843

I'll let two more people

in each day

00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,678

so I can hire

a maintenance person.

00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,352

Alright, folks, we've had

another change in policy.

00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,686

I've had to hire

a maintenance person,

00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:32,854

and to pay his salary,

00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:36,233

I have to let in

two more people a day.

00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,734

However, the stupid

maintenance person

00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,611

demanded I have food

and drinks inside the park,

00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,321

so now I've had to hire

a beverage person

00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,906

and a cotton candy person,

00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,784

which means I now have to let

eight people come in a day.

00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,452

But you are

to try your best

00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,329

not to ride any rides

that I am on.

00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,331

Understood?

00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,624

Alright, let's go.

00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,252

Timmy!

00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,461

Wait a minute.

Who are you?

00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,629

Mike Gainer.

00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,548

Ha, get the hell

out of here, Stan!

00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:00,966

God damn it, Cartman,

let me in!

00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,717

I thought you said buying

a theme park was stupid.

00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:03,844

Security!

00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,595

it is stupid, Cartman.

00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,347

You made Kyle lose his faith

in God, you fat asshole!

00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,348

Get him out of here.

00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,933

Move along, sir.

00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,810

Ah!! This isn't over,

Cartman!

00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,603

Ugh!

00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:16,857

Well, now I can finally get back

to riding my rides.

00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,945

Sweet! Yay!

00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,656

Oh, man, I'm so scared.

00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,533

Aah!

00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,537

Ah!

Aaah!

00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,956

Just a little more.

There we go.

00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,791

Hello, Kyle.

How's the hemorrhoid today?

00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,626

Awesome.

00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,295

Kyle, we want to tell you

about the Book of Job.

00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,796

It's a story

from the Bible.

00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,673

I've had enough of the Bible.

What has it gotten me?

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675

Oh, I think you'll see

differently after hearing this.

00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,468

Sit down, Kyle.

00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:46,720

Uh, okay.

00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,222

You see, Job lived

in the east of Jordan

00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,976

a long, long time ago.

00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,644

Job was a great man.

00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,563

He was blessed with

ten lovely children,

00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,982

a wonderful wife,

and many friends.

00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,735

he was a godly and a good man

and fed the poor.

00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,695

He was the most upright

and honorable of men.

00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,363

And every day

he praised God.

00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,573

But one day,

00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,909

Satan went up to heaven

and talked to God.

00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,201

Satan talked to God?

00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,328

Yes, in the Book of Job,

00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:12,621

Satan talks to God.

00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,206

And God says to Satan,

"have you seen Job?"

00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,376

"He is a great man,

and he praises me every day."

00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,794

But Satan said,

"oh, yeah?

00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,796

"he only praises you

because you gave him so much.

00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,340

"if you didn't

give him those things,

00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,466

he would curse

your name."

00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,675

To which God said,

00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,677

"Oh, yeah?

I'll show you, Satan.

00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,471

"I'll take those things

away from Job,

00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,514

and he will still

praise my name."

00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,934

And so God had a bunch

of barbarians come in

00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,227

and slaughter Job's

ox and donkeys

00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,729

and murder

all his workers.

00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,731

Then God sent his fireballs

from the sky

00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,233

and killed his sheep

and the rest of his employees.

00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,611

And then, as Job's sons

and daughters were eating,

00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,404

God sent a mighty wind

to collapse the house

00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,906

and crushed

and killed them all.

00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,407

Job was terribly sad,

00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,659

but he fell

to his knees and said,

00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,911

"the Lord giveth,

and the Lord taketh away"

00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,288

and praised God's name.

00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,916

So then Job got painful sores

all over his body.

00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,378

he was in terrible, miserable

pain all day, every day.

00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,463

But he still

kept his faith.

00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,673

God said to Satan,

00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:07,300

"see? I told you."

"Job still praises me."

00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,640

And that's it?

That's the end?

00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,475

Basically.

00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,352

That's the most horrible story

I've ever heard.

00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,437

Why would God do such horrible

things to a good person

00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,606

just to prove

a point to Satan?

00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,859

Oh, uh, I don't know.

00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,277

Then I was right.

00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,862

Job has all

his children killed,

00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,323

and Michael Bay

gets to keep making movies.

00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:32,742

There isn't a God.

00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,453

And since the stupid security

guard needs video surveillance,

00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:36,913

I have to let in

two more people a day

00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,707

to cover those expenses.

00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,500

Need to cover the new

ticket guy's salary,

00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:41,960

so that's three more

admissions a day.

00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,336

Clean-up crew

for the bathroom,

00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,629

money to cover

paint and upkeep.

00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:45,964

So that's about

four admissions,

00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,257

Bringing the grand total to...

00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:49,467

God damn it.

00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,637

816 people can come

into the park today.

00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,183

Welcome

to Cartmanland.

00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:00,979

Isn't he getting

any better, Doctor?

00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,856

I don't understand it.

00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:05,275

He's not fighting the

infected hemorrhoid at all.

00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,735

It's like he...

00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,154

Like he's lost

all hope.

00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,363

Well, if you'll excuse me,

00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,656

I've got some more

tests to run.

00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,325

And now back to

Money Quest on HBC.

00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,910

Welcome back

to Money Quest.

00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,495

In just over two weeks,

00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,289

young financial genius

Eric Cartman

00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,665

has managed

to turn a theme park

00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,834

that was seeing less than

100 attendees a day

00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,462

into a thriving park with

attendance in the thousands.

00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,963

And the way he did it

00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,214

was with the brilliant

"you can't come" technique.

00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,507

For the first

several days,

00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,884

the young businessman

saturated the market

00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,802

with claims that nobody

could get into his park.

00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,429

It made the public crazy.

00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,347

So then, weeks later,

when he opened the doors,

00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,640

they were lining up

around the block.

00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,767

Simply amazing.

00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,310

Well, I think

we should point out

00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,312

that this technique is

already being applied

00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,230

by businesses

all over the country.

00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,441

I'm sorry, we're no longer

taking reservations.

00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,192

Nobody can eat here.

00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694

You'll have to

leave now.

00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,571

No, I'm sorry.

You can't see this movie.

00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,281

Nobody can see

this movie.

00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,699

I can't even go in.

00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,950

Out!

00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,827

Nobody is allowed into

Gracy's anymore!

00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,704

Get out of here!

00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,456

Amazing--Eric Cartman

is surely

00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750

the financial genius

of our time.

00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,211

Uh, uhaah...

00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,713

Kyle? Kyle?

00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,381

Get the doctor!

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,892

God damn it,

stop running into me!

00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,329

Ahh!

00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:47,418

Ahhhhh!

00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,920

My God,

look at it, Chris.

00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,797

That kid completely

turned this place around.

00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,757

He sure did.

00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,467

Oh, if I could only have

a park that worked like this.

00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,261

Hey, there you are.

- Oh, hello.

00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,846

Congratulations

on your success.

00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,848

Just give me my money back.

- What?

00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,933

I changed my mind.

I don't want your stupid park.

00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,393

But it's doing great.

00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,395

You call this great?

I call it Hell.

00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,604

Trade me back,

God damn it!

00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:07,772

You bet!

00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,524

I'll go get your money

right now.

00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,942

Daddy, Daddy,

can we ride the rockets?

00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,069

God damn it, get the fuck

out of my way!

00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,619

Isn't he responding

at all, Doctor?

00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:26,040

I'm sorry, your son appears

to be losing the battle.

00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:30,253

I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid

has spread to his lungs.

00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,380

Normally the body

would fight the infection,

00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,301

but he's--he's just

given up on life.

00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,261

But then

are you saying...

00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,388

there's nothing more

I can do.

00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,391

Little fella's just

lost his will to live.

00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,810

Oh, Kyle! Kyle,

you've got to fight!

00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,647

Good riddance,

you stupid park.

00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,357

You can all kiss my ass!

00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:52,650

Excuse me,

Eric Cartman?

00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,235

Yeah.

00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,486

I'm Frank Gerret

with the IRS.

00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,238

You haven't kept records

of your income or payout,

00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,324

and there's a $500,000

discrepancy.

00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,075

Seize the assets.

00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,452

Hey!

Hey, that's my money!

00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:03,745

There's also the lawsuit

00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,288

of the little boy

who died in your park.

00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,706

The family's entitled

to the rest of this.

00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,499

What, Kenny?

He dies all the time!

00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:11,252

You still owe $13,000

more than this, Mr. Cartman.

00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,545

We'll see you in court.

00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,547

You can't take my money,

God damn it!

00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,257

We know how well

your park is doing.

00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,592

You'll make it back

in no time.

00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,261

Ah! But I--ah!

00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,180

Hey, hey, Mr. Foon,

I changed my mind.

00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:23,973

I need the park

to make my money back.

00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,600

No way, Jose.

- But I'm getting sued now.

00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,602

If I don't have the park,

I lose everything.

00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,271

"I don't care," said Pierre.

"I'm from France."

00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,190

This can't be happening!

Aaah!

00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,735

Kyle, you got to

come see!

00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,403

Kyle's not going

to make it, Stanley.

00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,239

Oh, Gerald!

00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,615

Doctor, can we wheel Kyle

out of here on his bed

00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,158

with the machines attached?

00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,202

Well, I suppose

it could be rigged, but I...

00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,286

Then damn it, man,

do it!

00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,290

it isn't fair!

00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,459

You Goddamn assholes,

it isn't fair!

00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,670

Look, Kyle, look.

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:56,130

You just built me up to

knock me down, didn't you?

00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,632

What about my dreams?

00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,342

What about my money?

00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:00,551

Huh?

00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:01,970

I'm so pissed off!

00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,304

Move along, sir.

00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,223

You are vandalizing

private property.

00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:09,060

Hey, you used to

work for me!

00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,480

God damn it,

you son of a bitch!

00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,274

Kyle.

- He's coming back.

00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,984

That's it, baby,

that's it.

00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,027

Oh God damn it,

this sucks!

00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,445

Wait a minute; yes,

00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,489

the hemorrhoid is

going into remission.

00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,491

Arrrrrr rrr!

00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,243

Look, Kyle, Cartman

is totally miserable,

00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,619

even more miserable

than he was before,

00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,162

because he's had his dream

and lost it.

00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,580

It's not fair!

00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,541

It's not fair.

I wanna die!

00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:35,503

I wanna die!

00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,422

You are up there.

00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,513

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,140

Both: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,975

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,143

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:19,186

♪ Gonna leave

my woes behind ♪

00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,896

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:22,565

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:23,983

♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:24,942

♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:25,943

Westside.

00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:29,030

♪ [muffled] ♪

00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:30,322

♪ Come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:31,991

♪ And meet

some friends of mine ♪

00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,327

And so it is

with heavy hearts

00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:38,497

that we say good bye

to Mabel Louise Cartman.

00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:41,042

She was a good woman,

a community leader,

00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:44,420

a caring wife,

providing mother,

00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,590

and a loving

grandmother.

00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,175

Mom, it's 3:30.

00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:50,384

This is taking up

my whole Saturday.

00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,178

Shh, pumpkin,

it's almost over.

00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:54,055

Why couldn't the funeral

have been on a school day?

00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,432

And now let us bow our heads

in a moment of silence

00:00:56,557 --> 00:01:00,144

and reflect on how

Mabel touched our lives.

00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:02,229

God, she didn't take

this long to die.

00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:05,107

And now we release the doves

to symbolize the Lord

00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,859

taking Mabel into his arms

00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,444

and giving her

everlasting peace.

00:01:13,491 --> 00:01:14,742

Peace.

00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,162

Great.

Now can we go?

00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,206

No, sweetie, we have to tend

to some of grandma's business.

00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,166

Ohh!

God damn it!

00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:25,503

"And so I leave

my stocks and bonds

00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:28,089

"worth an estimated $14.12

00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,965

to be divided amongst

my loving family."

00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,009

Mom, I wanna go home!

00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:34,345

In a minute, sweetie.

This is important.

00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:37,473

"My loving son Stinky, I leave

you the house in Nebraska.

00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,391

Look after it as

your father and I did."

00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:40,559

Blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah.

00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,061

"To my grandson Eric,

00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,396

"you were always my favorite

fat little man,

00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:46,357

my perfect round little

pudding piler."

00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:47,525

Oh God, you have to

embarrass me

00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:48,526

even in death, Grandma.

00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,444

"For you, Eric, I leave,

00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:54,115

"from my life savings,

the sum of $1 million,

00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,407

to be transferred

to you immediately."

00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,409

Whosa-jigga-what?

00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,120

A million dollars?

00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:01,288

"Eric is the primary

benefactor of my estate,

00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,040

"since it is likely

the rest of you

00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,083

would spend the money

on crack."

00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,001

Oh, my.

- That can't be!

00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,169

Excuse me.

00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:10,548

Does this mean I have

$1 million?

00:02:10,673 --> 00:02:12,341

Yes, Eric, it's yours.

00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,801

No way.

You don't understand.

00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,094

Since I was two years old,

00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,388

it has been my dream

to have $1 million.

00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,431

And now you do.

00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:21,976

Oh.

00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,812

[screaming]

00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:31,277

[screaming continues]

00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,447

There you are,

Jennifer Lopez!

00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:37,283

You've been most

uncooperative, Miss Lopez.

00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,909

No, please!

00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,494

I promise I'll never make

another album or movie.

00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:41,954

It's too late

for that, Miss Lopez.

00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:42,872

Have mercy!

00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,293

Pop!

00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,086

Yeah-ha!

- Awesome!

00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:54,175

You guys, you guys!

[mumbling]

00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,885

Why?

00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:59,555

Because!

[mumbling]

00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,140

Nuh-uh.

00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,850

No, swear to God,

it's true...

00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,060

You better not

be lying, Kenny.

00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:11,775

999,400...

999,500...

00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,360

Damn, Dan, I've never

seen that much cash.

00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,904

Me neither.

00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:18,949

999,900...

1 million.

00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:21,202

Look at it.

Look at it, Mother.

00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:22,494

See how the light reflects

00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,288

the spearmint green

from its surface.

00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,915

Eric, that is

a lot of money.

00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,374

Don't you think you

should keep it in the bank

00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,126

instead of at your house?

00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,294

I'm not keeping it,

Mr. Garrison.

00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,087

I'm spending it.

- On what?

00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,172

On my dream,

00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:34,548

on the one thing

that I've wanted

00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:36,258

ever since I can remember.

00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,514

Excuse me, son.

I'm an investment broker.

00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:43,974

I can help you

invest that money.

00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,476

Nuh-uh,

I'm spending it.

00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,479

Eric, God could sure use that

money for a bigger church.

00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:51,106

I think God has

plenty of money.

00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:52,858

What the hell

are you doing, fat-ass?

00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,444

Not much, just taking

my $1 million out of the bank.

00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,363

Oh, my God.

00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:59,198

Kenny wasn't lying.

00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,367

Would you mind stepping aside?

I've got a purchase to make.

00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,118

Dude, can you loan me

20 bucks for a new jacket?

00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,496

Ha! If you need money,

you can get a job, Stan!

00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957

No freeloaders are gonna take

my hard-earned cash.

00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,458

Your grandma left it to you.

You didn't earn it!

00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,252

Didn't earn it?

00:04:11,377 --> 00:04:13,087

What about all the years I spent

making grandma like me,

00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,130

all the wet, spit-filled

kisses I put up with,

00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:17,216

the constant smell

of aspirin and pee?

00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,051

Don't tell me I didn't earn it,

you son of a bitch!

00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,889

No, no,

this is impossible.

00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,182

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,142

No, I mean this

isn't impossible, Stan.

00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,936

Cartman is the biggest

asshole in the world.

00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,854

How is it that God gives him

a million dollars?

00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,065

Come on, we got to see what

Cartman is doing with his money.

00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,441

Why?

How could you do this?

00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,235

There are people

starving in Alabama,

00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,320

and you give Cartman

a million dollars?

00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,826

And if we can just get you

to sign here and here.

00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,411

You're sure this is what

you want, sweetie?

00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,579

My own amusement park,

Mother, I'm sure.

00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,790

And now you just

sign here, Mr. Foon.

00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,085

I can't do it.

00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,378

What?

- What?

00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,089

I can't sell

this poor kid my park.

00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,174

Look, I haven't been

honest with you.

00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,135

The park hasn't been

doing great business.

00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,095

Frank, shh.

- It ain't right, Chris.

00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,097

The truth is, the park

is a financial flop.

00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432

I haven't turned

a profit in years

00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,142

because I can't keep

attendance up.

00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,102

Oh, but I'm not buying

the park to get people to come.

00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,854

You--you're not?

00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,105

No, no, no.

00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,108

I'm buying it

to keep people out!

00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,860

Don't you see?

00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,945

Forever it has been my dream

to have my very own theme park

00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,823

so that I could be alone in it

all day, every day.

00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,826

I love theme parks,

but the lines...

00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,453

Everywhere you go--

people, crowds.

00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,954

The rides are great,

00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,040

but all the lines,

lines, lines!

00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,958

If there's

one thing I hate,

00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:38,297

all the lines, lines,

lines, lines!

00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,299

And then there get to be

so many people

00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:41,967

that they make "fast pass."

00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,136

So then there's lines

for fast pass.

00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:47,097

You stand in line to get a

ticket to stand in line later.

00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,432

Then there's lines

for the bathrooms,

00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,516

lines for the drinks,

00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,018

lines for kartankulas

00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,729

and rare kartankula plinks.

00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,859

And so you see,

this park is for me.

00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,986

Nobody else

will be allowed in.

00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,322

Oh, well, then I guess

I don't feel bad.

00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,450

Mr. Cartman, congratulations.

The theme park is yours.

00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,994

Gentlemen, I thank you.

00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:12,581

Kyle?

00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,502

Dude, what are you

doing here?

00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:18,253

Everybody's

looking for you.

00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,963

Kyle?

00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,882

Do you know what happened

to me this morning, Stan?

00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,302

This morning I woke up

and felt a sharp pain in my ass.

00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222

I felt down there and found

this big, sore lump...

00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,307

On my ass, Stan.

00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,142

I couldn't even

sit down, so...

00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,395

I had to tell my mother,

which was humiliating.

00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,106

She took me to the doctor,

which was more humiliating,

00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:40,776

and he told me...

I have a hemorrhoid.

00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,278

It's like an infected

blood vessel on your ass.

00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,490

I'm nine years old,

and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan.

00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,908

I have a hemorrhoid,

00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:51,245

and Cartman has

his own theme park.

00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,497

Kyle, I understand

what you mean, but--

00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,290

Do you?

Do you, Stan?

00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,835

Because all my life I was

raised to believe in Jehovah,

00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,545

to believe that we should all

behave a certain way

00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,088

and good things

will come to us.

00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,257

I make mistakes, but every week

I try to better myself.

00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,884

I'm always saying, "you know,

I learned something today."

00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,469

And what does this so-called

God give me in return?

00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,263

A hemorrhoid.

00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,140

It doesn't make sense.

What is your logic?

00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,975

Ow.

00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,060

Look, Cartman, he thinks

he's gonna be happy

00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,395

because he has his own

amusement park,

00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,397

but he's gonna find out

that without other people,

00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,107

the rides are

totally lame.

00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:22,025

I mean, who could really

have fun by themselves

00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,318

at a theme park?

00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,820

I'll bet he's

sick of it already.

00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,407

Yes! Yes!

00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:31,493

Awesome!

00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,036

Ho! Ho!

00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:36,290

Sweet, yes!

00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,292

Keep your arms and legs

inside the vehicle at all times.

00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:39,751

Make sure your seat belt

is fastened.

00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,837

Enjoy the mine shaft!

00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,465

Heh, heh, heh-heh.

00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:48,051

Yes! Yes!

00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:51,805

Oh, cool!

00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,056

Oh, look how much

fun I had.

00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,435

Whoa!

Heh, heh, heh.

00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,562

Waa!

Heh, heh.

00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,439

Whoa!

Heh, heh, heh.

00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:04,776

Ooh, Adventure Island.

Check it out. Awesome!

00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:08,238

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:11,783

[crying]

I'm so happy.

00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:15,037

I'm so happy!

00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,209

Oh, hey, dude,

Terrance & Phillip

00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,627

is just about to start.

00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:22,211

Great.

- What's that?

00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,004

it's my seat ring.

00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,631

I have to sit on it

because of my hemorrhoid.

00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,049

Ow.

- Heh, heh. Sorry.

00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,967

So how are things going

at Cartman's theme park?

00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,511

Dude,

just forget about it.

00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,720

We can't let him

get to us, or he wins.

00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,055

I guess you're right.

00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,682

Hey, everybody check out

the all-new Cartmanland!

00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,476

It's our Grand Opening!

00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,645

Cartmanland has over

100 fabulous rides,

00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,439

six roller coasters,

and tons of great surprises.

00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,567

And the best part is,

you can't come!

00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,569

That's right,

because at Cartmanland,

00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,947

Only I, Eric Cartman,

can get in.

00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,533

That means only I can ride

the all-new Tornado Twister,

00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:55,202

a roller coaster that splashes

into water--wow!

00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,579

It's the greatest amusement park

in the Colorado area.

00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,249

And nobody can go,

especially Stan and Kyle!

00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,750

Ha, ha, ha!

00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,627

So come on down

to Cartmanland now,

00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,087

but don't plan on getting

past the parking lot,

00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047

'Cause remember:

00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,591

♪ So much to do at Cartmanland

but you can't come ♪

00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,760

Especially you,

Stan and Kyle.

00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,928

That does it!

Come on, dude.

00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,596

Where are we going?

00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:15,973

We're getting into

that fat-ass's park,

00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:16,848

whether he likes it

or not.

00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,228

Whoa!

Heh, heh.

00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,604

Whoa.

00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,064

Whoa!

Heh, heh, heh.

00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,983

Oh, man,

that was awesome!

00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,151

That one part with the spider

that dropped on you--

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:29,945

oh, man, that totally got me;

that was sweet.

00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,282

Help! Help! Help!

Oh, that hurts!

00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,783

Help!

Oh, that hurts!

00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,285

You sons of bitches!

00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,828

Come on, dude!

00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,997

Oh God, I popped it!

Oh, it hurts!

00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,039

What the hell

are you doing?

00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,541

Oh crap.

00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,042

Oh God, get me

off of here!

00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,295

Dude!

00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,963

Stan, I have to go home.

00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,507

I need my cream.

I need my cream!

00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,633

Alright, let's go.

00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,093

That's right.

You stay out!

00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,137

You can't keep us out forever,

you fucking fat-ass!

00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,014

We'll be back as soon as Kyle's

hemorrhoid is better.

00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,640

My life can't

get any worse!

00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,808

You'll see.

We'll get in.

00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:03,979

Alright, so listen.

00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,230

All I want you to do

is keep anybody out

00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,815

who tries to get in here.

00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,317

If you see anybody

on my proper-tuh,

00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,986

especially Stan and Kyle,

you are to shoot on sight.

00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,863

So what does

this job pay?

00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,156

Alright,

now this is very hard

00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,657

for me to do, you understand.

00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,159

But in return for you

working security,

00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,161

I'll let you ride

two rides a day,

00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,830

but only two rides

and only if I'm not on them.

00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:26,835

Uh, I'm afraid I don't

really like rides.

00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,129

But you can ride

anything you want,

00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,548

and you don't have to

wait in line.

00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,050

I'm not interested.

00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,052

Dude, are you from Mars

or something?

00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,887

Any ride you want,

no lines.

00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:40,140

if you need security,

I need a cash salary.

00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,266

But I don't

have any cash.

00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,768

I spent everything

on this park.

00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,019

Well, look,

why don't you just let

00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,979

a couple of people in

each day?

00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,523

Every day you can just

let two people in,

00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,942

charge $29.95 for tickets,

00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:54,029

and then you can use that

to pay my daily salary.

00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,156

Ugh, two people!

00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,533

This place is huge.

You'll never notice two people.

00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,535

And then you'll have

security for your park.

00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,037

Well, alright,

God damn it.

00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,830

I'll open the park

to two people each day.

00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,041

But remember, anybody else you

see trespassing in the park...

00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,377

I will shoot on sight.

- Sweet.

00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,214

You're a very

lucky little boy.

00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,299

I've never seen

a hemorrhoid so infected.

00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,801

It could've killed you.

00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:17,552

Lucky.

00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,971

Oh, look, Kyle, your little

friend Stan is here to see you.

00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,848

Dude, you okay?

- Oh, I'm swell, Stan.

00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,725

I popped my hemorrhoid

trying to climb the fence

00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,102

into Cartmanland,

and it got infected.

00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,728

I really need to go

to the bathroom,

00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,896

but if I do,

it will pop again,

00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,022

and the pain will

make me pass out.

00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,607

How are you?

00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:31,942

Well, I found out

that Cartman's letting

00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,694

a few people each day

into his theme park.

00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:36,154

I was thinking we could put

on disguises and get in.

00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,907

I'm afraid Kyle can't ride

any amusement park rides

00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,660

for over a year because of

his horrible hemorrhoid.

00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,495

Jesus.

00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,539

But it's okay, Stan, because

I finally figured it out.

00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:46,915

You see,

if someone like Cartman

00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,750

can get a million dollars

and his own theme park,

00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,712

then there is no God;

there's no God, dude.

00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,130

Kyle, don't

say such things!

00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,923

Why? Why, Mom?

00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,800

Because if I do, something

bad will happen to me?

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,593

Because if I do,

your God might not shower me

00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,178

with his blessings of

infected hemorrhoids?

00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,180

Kyle, you just don't

understand; it's--

00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,974

No, I finally do

understand!

00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,976

There is no justice!

There is no God!

00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:09,020

Do you hear me?

I renounce my faith!

00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,566

Alright, alright,

listen up, people.

00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,277

Cartmanland is open but only

to two people each day.

00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,070

All: Aww!

00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,572

I've just got to cover

my security expenses.

00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,865

Butters, Clyde,

you can come in.

00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,783

Oh!

00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,493

The rest of you will just

have to try another day.

00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,582

Hey, one park admission.

That'll be $29.95, sir.

00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:29,916

Five cents

is your change.

00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,251

Enjoy your stay

at Cartmanland.

00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,503

Oh boy, oh boy!

00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,005

And enjoy your stay

at Cartmanland.

00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,590

Oh, finally work is over.

00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,217

Now I can get back

to riding my rides.

00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,470

♪ Da-da-da

I've got my own theme park ♪

00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:42,971

Hmm, what should

I go on now?

00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:46,641

I know; I'll go on

the Haunted Mansion ride again!

00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,143

♪ Da-da da da

da-da da-da-da ♪

00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,811

♪ Da da- ♪

00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,021

What are you doing?

00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,564

We're in line

for the Spook House.

00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:53,982

Line? Line?

00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,984

I hate lines!

00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,569

Can't you go on something

else right now?

00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:58,653

We want to see

the Spook House.

00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,781

Well, we paid $29.95.

00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,157

We should be able to go

in the Spook House.

00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,700

Yeah, but I think

it's broke down.

00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,910

The cars aren't moving.

00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,036

Alright, alright,

hang on.

00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,245

Security!

00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,246

[feedback]

What?

00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,623

Oh! Jesus, look,

00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:10,665

the Haunted House ride

broke down.

00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,875

I need you to fix it.

00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,668

Uh, I'm security,

not maintenance.

00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,170

But I don't know

how it works.

00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,838

Your rides are gonna

break down every now and then.

00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,715

You need to hire

a maintenance person.

00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,175

Uh, alright, alright.

00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,843

I'll let two more people

in each day

00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,678

so I can hire

a maintenance person.

00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,352

Alright, folks, we've had

another change in policy.

00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,686

I've had to hire

a maintenance person,

00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:32,854

and to pay his salary,

00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:36,233

I have to let in

two more people a day.

00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,734

However, the stupid

maintenance person

00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,611

demanded I have food

and drinks inside the park,

00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,321

so now I've had to hire

a beverage person

00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,906

and a cotton candy person,

00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,784

which means I now have to let

eight people come in a day.

00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,452

But you are

to try your best

00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,329

not to ride any rides

that I am on.

00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,331

Understood?

00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,624

Alright, let's go.

00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,252

Timmy!

00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,461

Wait a minute.

Who are you?

00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,629

Mike Gainer.

00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,548

Ha, get the hell

out of here, Stan!

00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:00,966

God damn it, Cartman,

let me in!

00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,717

I thought you said buying

a theme park was stupid.

00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:03,844

Security!

00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,595

it is stupid, Cartman.

00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,347

You made Kyle lose his faith

in God, you fat asshole!

00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,348

Get him out of here.

00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,933

Move along, sir.

00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,810

Ah!! This isn't over,

Cartman!

00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,603

Ugh!

00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:16,857

Well, now I can finally get back

to riding my rides.

00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,945

Sweet! Yay!

00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,656

Oh, man, I'm so scared.

00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,533

Aah!

00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,537

Ah!

Aaah!

00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,956

Just a little more.

There we go.

00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,791

Hello, Kyle.

How's the hemorrhoid today?

00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,626

Awesome.

00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,295

Kyle, we want to tell you

about the Book of Job.

00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,796

It's a story

from the Bible.

00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,673

I've had enough of the Bible.

What has it gotten me?

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675

Oh, I think you'll see

differently after hearing this.

00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,468

Sit down, Kyle.

00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:46,720

Uh, okay.

00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,222

You see, Job lived

in the east of Jordan

00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,976

a long, long time ago.

00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,644

Job was a great man.

00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,563

He was blessed with

ten lovely children,

00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,982

a wonderful wife,

and many friends.

00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,735

he was a godly and a good man

and fed the poor.

00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,695

He was the most upright

and honorable of men.

00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,363

And every day

he praised God.

00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,573

But one day,

00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,909

Satan went up to heaven

and talked to God.

00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,201

Satan talked to God?

00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,328

Yes, in the Book of Job,

00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:12,621

Satan talks to God.

00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,206

And God says to Satan,

"have you seen Job?"

00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,376

"He is a great man,

and he praises me every day."

00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,794

But Satan said,

"oh, yeah?

00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,796

"he only praises you

because you gave him so much.

00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,340

"if you didn't

give him those things,

00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,466

he would curse

your name."

00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,675

To which God said,

00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,677

"Oh, yeah?

I'll show you, Satan.

00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,471

"I'll take those things

away from Job,

00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,514

and he will still

praise my name."

00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,934

And so God had a bunch

of barbarians come in

00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,227

and slaughter Job's

ox and donkeys

00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,729

and murder

all his workers.

00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,731

Then God sent his fireballs

from the sky

00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,233

and killed his sheep

and the rest of his employees.

00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,611

And then, as Job's sons

and daughters were eating,

00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,404

God sent a mighty wind

to collapse the house

00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,906

and crushed

and killed them all.

00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,407

Job was terribly sad,

00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,659

but he fell

to his knees and said,

00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,911

"the Lord giveth,

and the Lord taketh away"

00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,288

and praised God's name.

00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,916

So then Job got painful sores

all over his body.

00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,378

he was in terrible, miserable

pain all day, every day.

00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,463

But he still

kept his faith.

00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,673

God said to Satan,

00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:07,300

"see? I told you."

"Job still praises me."

00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,640

And that's it?

That's the end?

00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,475

Basically.

00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,352

That's the most horrible story

I've ever heard.

00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,437

Why would God do such horrible

things to a good person

00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,606

just to prove

a point to Satan?

00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,859

Oh, uh, I don't know.

00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,277

Then I was right.

00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,862

Job has all

his children killed,

00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,323

and Michael Bay

gets to keep making movies.

00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:32,742

There isn't a God.

00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,453

And since the stupid security

guard needs video surveillance,

00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:36,913

I have to let in

two more people a day

00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,707

to cover those expenses.

00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,500

Need to cover the new

ticket guy's salary,

00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:41,960

so that's three more

admissions a day.

00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,336

Clean-up crew

for the bathroom,

00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,629

money to cover

paint and upkeep.

00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:45,964

So that's about

four admissions,

00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,257

Bringing the grand total to...

00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:49,467

God damn it.

00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,637

816 people can come

into the park today.

00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:55,432

[all cheering]

00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,183

Welcome

to Cartmanland.

00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:00,979

Isn't he getting

any better, Doctor?

00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,856

I don't understand it.

00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:05,275

He's not fighting the

infected hemorrhoid at all.

00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,735

It's like he...

00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,154

Like he's lost

all hope.

00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,363

Well, if you'll excuse me,

00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,656

I've got some more

tests to run.

00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,325

And now back to

Money Quest on HBC.

00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,910

Welcome back

to Money Quest.

00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,495

In just over two weeks,

00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,289

young financial genius

Eric Cartman

00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,665

has managed

to turn a theme park

00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,834

that was seeing less than

100 attendees a day

00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,462

into a thriving park with

attendance in the thousands.

00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,963

And the way he did it

00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,214

was with the brilliant

"you can't come" technique.

00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,507

For the first

several days,

00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,884

the young businessman

saturated the market

00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,802

with claims that nobody

could get into his park.

00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,429

It made the public crazy.

00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,347

So then, weeks later,

when he opened the doors,

00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,640

they were lining up

around the block.

00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,767

Simply amazing.

00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,310

Well, I think

we should point out

00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,312

that this technique is

already being applied

00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,230

by businesses

all over the country.

00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,441

I'm sorry, we're no longer

taking reservations.

00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,192

Nobody can eat here.

00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694

You'll have to

leave now.

00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,571

No, I'm sorry.

You can't see this movie.

00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,281

Nobody can see

this movie.

00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,699

I can't even go in.

00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,950

Out!

00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,827

Nobody is allowed into

Gracy's anymore!

00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,704

Get out of here!

00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,456

Amazing--Eric Cartman

is surely

00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750

the financial genius

of our time.

00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,211

Uh, uhaah...

00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,713

Kyle? Kyle?

00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,381

Get the doctor!

00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,967

[children shouting

and laughing]

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,892

God damn it,

stop running into me!

00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,329

Ahh!

00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:47,418

Ahhhhh!

00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,920

My God,

look at it, Chris.

00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,797

That kid completely

turned this place around.

00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,757

He sure did.

00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,467

Oh, if I could only have

a park that worked like this.

00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,261

Hey, there you are.

- Oh, hello.

00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,846

Congratulations

on your success.

00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,848

Just give me my money back.

- What?

00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,933

I changed my mind.

I don't want your stupid park.

00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,393

But it's doing great.

00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,395

You call this great?

I call it Hell.

00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,604

Trade me back,

God damn it!

00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:07,772

You bet!

00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,524

I'll go get your money

right now.

00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,942

Daddy, Daddy,

can we ride the rockets?

00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,069

God damn it, get the fuck

out of my way!

00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,619

Isn't he responding

at all, Doctor?

00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:26,040

I'm sorry, your son appears

to be losing the battle.

00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:30,253

I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid

has spread to his lungs.

00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,380

Normally the body

would fight the infection,

00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,301

but he's--he's just

given up on life.

00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,261

But then

are you saying...

00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,388

there's nothing more

I can do.

00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,391

Little fella's just

lost his will to live.

00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,810

Oh, Kyle! Kyle,

you've got to fight!

00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,647

Good riddance,

you stupid park.

00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,357

You can all kiss my ass!

00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:52,650

Excuse me,

Eric Cartman?

00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,235

Yeah.

00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,486

I'm Frank Gerret

with the IRS.

00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,238

You haven't kept records

of your income or payout,

00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,324

and there's a $500,000

discrepancy.

00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,075

Seize the assets.

00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,452

Hey!

Hey, that's my money!

00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:03,745

There's also the lawsuit

00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,288

of the little boy

who died in your park.

00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,706

The family's entitled

to the rest of this.

00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,499

What, Kenny?

He dies all the time!

00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:11,252

You still owe $13,000

more than this, Mr. Cartman.

00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,545

We'll see you in court.

00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,547

You can't take my money,

God damn it!

00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,257

We know how well

your park is doing.

00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,592

You'll make it back

in no time.

00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,261

Ah! But I--ah!

00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,180

Hey, hey, Mr. Foon,

I changed my mind.

00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:23,973

I need the park

to make my money back.

00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,600

No way, Jose.

- But I'm getting sued now.

00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,602

If I don't have the park,

I lose everything.

00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,271

"I don't care," said Pierre.

"I'm from France."

00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,190

This can't be happening!

Aaah!

00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,735

Kyle, you got to

come see!

00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,403

Kyle's not going

to make it, Stanley.

00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,239

Oh, Gerald!

00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,615

Doctor, can we wheel Kyle

out of here on his bed

00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,158

with the machines attached?

00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,202

Well, I suppose

it could be rigged, but I...

00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,286

Then damn it, man,

do it!

00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,290

it isn't fair!

00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,459

You Goddamn assholes,

it isn't fair!

00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,670

Look, Kyle, look.

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:56,130

You just built me up to

knock me down, didn't you?

00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,632

What about my dreams?

00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,342

What about my money?

00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:00,551

Huh?

00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:01,970

I'm so pissed off!

00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,304

Move along, sir.

00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,223

You are vandalizing

private property.

00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:09,060

Hey, you used to

work for me!

00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,480

God damn it,

you son of a bitch!

00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,274

Kyle.

- He's coming back.

00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,984

That's it, baby,

that's it.

00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,027

Oh God damn it,

this sucks!

00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,445

Wait a minute; yes,

00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,489

the hemorrhoid is

going into remission.

00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,491

Arrrrrr rrr!

00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,243

Look, Kyle, Cartman

is totally miserable,

00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,619

even more miserable

than he was before,

00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,162

because he's had his dream

and lost it.

00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,580

It's not fair!

00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,541

It's not fair.

I wanna die!

00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:35,503

I wanna die!

00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,422

You are up there.