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Картманлэнд
Cartmanland
Сезон: 05Серия: 06
Описание
У Кайла — смертельно опасный геморрой. Он начинает терять веру в Бога, когда Картман получает наследство в миллион долларов и покупает собственный парк аттракционов.
Субтитры
- 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:10,469 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,513 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,140 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,975 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,143 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:19,186 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,896 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:22,565 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:23,983 ♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪
- 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:24,942 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:25,943 Westside.
- 00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:30,322 ♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:31,991 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,327 And so it is with heavy hearts
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:38,497 that we say good bye to Mabel Louise Cartman.
- 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:41,042 She was a good woman, a community leader,
- 00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:44,420 a caring wife, providing mother,
- 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,590 and a loving grandmother.
- 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,175 Mom, it's 3:30.
- 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:50,384 This is taking up my whole Saturday.
- 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,178 Shh, pumpkin, it's almost over.
- 00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:54,055 Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day?
- 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,432 And now let us bow our heads in a moment of silence
- 00:00:56,557 --> 00:01:00,144 and reflect on how Mabel touched our lives.
- 00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:02,229 God, she didn't take this long to die.
- 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:05,107 And now we release the doves to symbolize the Lord
- 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,859 taking Mabel into his arms
- 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,444 and giving her everlasting peace.
- 00:01:13,491 --> 00:01:14,742 Peace.
- 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,162 Great. Now can we go?
- 00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,206 No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of grandma's business.
- 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,166 Ohh! God damn it!
- 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:25,503 "And so I leave my stocks and bonds
- 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:28,089 "worth an estimated $14.12
- 00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,965 to be divided amongst my loving family."
- 00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,009 Mom, I wanna go home!
- 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:34,345 In a minute, sweetie. This is important.
- 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:37,473 "My loving son Stinky, I leave you the house in Nebraska.
- 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,391 Look after it as your father and I did."
- 00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:40,559 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,061 "To my grandson Eric,
- 00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,396 "you were always my favorite fat little man,
- 00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:46,357 my perfect round little pudding piler."
- 00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:47,525 Oh God, you have to embarrass me
- 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:48,526 even in death, Grandma.
- 00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,444 "For you, Eric, I leave,
- 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:54,115 "from my life savings, the sum of $1 million,
- 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,407 to be transferred to you immediately."
- 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,409 Whosa-jigga-what?
- 00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,120 A million dollars?
- 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:01,288 "Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate,
- 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,040 "since it is likely the rest of you
- 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,083 would spend the money on crack."
- 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,001 Oh, my. - That can't be!
- 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,169 Excuse me.
- 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:10,548 Does this mean I have $1 million?
- 00:02:10,673 --> 00:02:12,341 Yes, Eric, it's yours.
- 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,801 No way. You don't understand.
- 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,094 Since I was two years old,
- 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,388 it has been my dream to have $1 million.
- 00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,431 And now you do.
- 00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:21,976 Oh.
- 00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,447 There you are, Jennifer Lopez!
- 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:37,283 You've been most uncooperative, Miss Lopez.
- 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,909 No, please!
- 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,494 I promise I'll never make another album or movie.
- 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:41,954 It's too late for that, Miss Lopez.
- 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:42,872 Have mercy!
- 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,293 Pop!
- 00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,086 Yeah-ha! - Awesome!
- 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:54,175 You guys, you guys!
- 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,885 Why?
- 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:59,555 Because!
- 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,140 Nuh-uh.
- 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,850 No, swear to God, it's true...
- 00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,060 You better not be lying, Kenny.
- 00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:11,775 999,400... 999,500...
- 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,360 Damn, Dan, I've never seen that much cash.
- 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,904 Me neither.
- 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:18,949 999,900... 1 million.
- 00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:21,202 Look at it. Look at it, Mother.
- 00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:22,494 See how the light reflects
- 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,288 the spearmint green from its surface.
- 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,915 Eric, that is a lot of money.
- 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,374 Don't you think you should keep it in the bank
- 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,126 instead of at your house?
- 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,294 I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,087 I'm spending it. - On what?
- 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,172 On my dream,
- 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:34,548 on the one thing that I've wanted
- 00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:36,258 ever since I can remember.
- 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,514 Excuse me, son. I'm an investment broker.
- 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:43,974 I can help you invest that money.
- 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,476 Nuh-uh, I'm spending it.
- 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,479 Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church.
- 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:51,106 I think God has plenty of money.
- 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:52,858 What the hell are you doing, fat-ass?
- 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,444 Not much, just taking my $1 million out of the bank.
- 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,363 Oh, my God.
- 00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:59,198 Kenny wasn't lying.
- 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,367 Would you mind stepping aside? I've got a purchase to make.
- 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,118 Dude, can you loan me 20 bucks for a new jacket?
- 00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,496 Ha! If you need money, you can get a job, Stan!
- 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957 No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash.
- 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,458 Your grandma left it to you. You didn't earn it!
- 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,252 Didn't earn it?
- 00:04:11,377 --> 00:04:13,087 What about all the years I spent making grandma like me,
- 00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,130 all the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with,
- 00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:17,216 the constant smell of aspirin and pee?
- 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,051 Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!
- 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,889 No, no, this is impossible.
- 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,182 Yeah, it's unbelievable.
- 00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,142 No, I mean this isn't impossible, Stan.
- 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,936 Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world.
- 00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,854 How is it that God gives him a million dollars?
- 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,065 Come on, we got to see what Cartman is doing with his money.
- 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,441 Why? How could you do this?
- 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,235 There are people starving in Alabama,
- 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,320 and you give Cartman a million dollars?
- 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,826 And if we can just get you to sign here and here.
- 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,411 You're sure this is what you want, sweetie?
- 00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,579 My own amusement park, Mother, I'm sure.
- 00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,790 And now you just sign here, Mr. Foon.
- 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,085 I can't do it.
- 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,378 What? - What?
- 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,089 I can't sell this poor kid my park.
- 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,174 Look, I haven't been honest with you.
- 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,135 The park hasn't been doing great business.
- 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,095 Frank, shh. - It ain't right, Chris.
- 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,097 The truth is, the park is a financial flop.
- 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432 I haven't turned a profit in years
- 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,142 because I can't keep attendance up.
- 00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,102 Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get people to come.
- 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,854 You--you're not?
- 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,105 No, no, no.
- 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,108 I'm buying it to keep people out!
- 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,860 Don't you see?
- 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,945 Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park
- 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,823 so that I could be alone in it all day, every day.
- 00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,826 I love theme parks, but the lines...
- 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,453 Everywhere you go-- people, crowds.
- 00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,954 The rides are great,
- 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,040 but all the lines, lines, lines!
- 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,958 If there's one thing I hate,
- 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:38,297 all the lines, lines, lines, lines!
- 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,299 And then there get to be so many people
- 00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:41,967 that they make "fast pass."
- 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,136 So then there's lines for fast pass.
- 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:47,097 You stand in line to get a ticket to stand in line later.
- 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,432 Then there's lines for the bathrooms,
- 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,516 lines for the drinks,
- 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,018 lines for kartankulas
- 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,729 and rare kartankula plinks.
- 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,859 And so you see, this park is for me.
- 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,986 Nobody else will be allowed in.
- 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,322 Oh, well, then I guess I don't feel bad.
- 00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,450 Mr. Cartman, congratulations. The theme park is yours.
- 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,994 Gentlemen, I thank you.
- 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:12,581 Kyle?
- 00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,502 Dude, what are you doing here?
- 00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:18,253 Everybody's looking for you.
- 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,963 Kyle?
- 00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,882 Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan?
- 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,302 This morning I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass.
- 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222 I felt down there and found this big, sore lump...
- 00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,307 On my ass, Stan.
- 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,142 I couldn't even sit down, so...
- 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,395 I had to tell my mother, which was humiliating.
- 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,106 She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating,
- 00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:40,776 and he told me... I have a hemorrhoid.
- 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,278 It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass.
- 00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,490 I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan.
- 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,908 I have a hemorrhoid,
- 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:51,245 and Cartman has his own theme park.
- 00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,497 Kyle, I understand what you mean, but--
- 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,290 Do you? Do you, Stan?
- 00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,835 Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah,
- 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,545 to believe that we should all behave a certain way
- 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,088 and good things will come to us.
- 00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,257 I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself.
- 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,884 I'm always saying, "you know, I learned something today."
- 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,469 And what does this so-called God give me in return?
- 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,263 A hemorrhoid.
- 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,140 It doesn't make sense. What is your logic?
- 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,975 Ow.
- 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,060 Look, Cartman, he thinks he's gonna be happy
- 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,395 because he has his own amusement park,
- 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,397 but he's gonna find out that without other people,
- 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,107 the rides are totally lame.
- 00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:22,025 I mean, who could really have fun by themselves
- 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,318 at a theme park?
- 00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,820 I'll bet he's sick of it already.
- 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,407 Yes! Yes!
- 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:31,493 Awesome!
- 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,036 Ho! Ho!
- 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:36,290 Sweet, yes!
- 00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,292 Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
- 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:39,751 Make sure your seat belt is fastened.
- 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,837 Enjoy the mine shaft!
- 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,465 Heh, heh, heh-heh.
- 00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:48,051 Yes! Yes!
- 00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:51,805 Oh, cool!
- 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,056 Oh, look how much fun I had.
- 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,435 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
- 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,562 Waa! Heh, heh.
- 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,439 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
- 00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:04,776 Ooh, Adventure Island. Check it out. Awesome!
- 00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:08,238 Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
- 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:11,783 I'm so happy.
- 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:15,037 I'm so happy!
- 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,209 Oh, hey, dude, <i>Terrance & Phillip</i>
- 00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,627 is just about to start.
- 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:22,211 Great. - What's that?
- 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,004 it's my seat ring.
- 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,631 I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid.
- 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,049 Ow. - Heh, heh. Sorry.
- 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,967 So how are things going at Cartman's theme park?
- 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,511 Dude, just forget about it.
- 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,720 We can't let him get to us, or he wins.
- 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,055 I guess you're right.
- 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,682 Hey, everybody check out the all-new Cartmanland!
- 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,476 It's our Grand Opening!
- 00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,645 Cartmanland has over 100 fabulous rides,
- 00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,439 six roller coasters, and tons of great surprises.
- 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,567 And the best part is, you can't come!
- 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,569 That's right, because at Cartmanland,
- 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,947 Only I, Eric Cartman, can get in.
- 00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,533 That means only I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister,
- 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:55,202 a roller coaster that splashes into water--wow!
- 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,579 It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area.
- 00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,249 And nobody can go, especially Stan and Kyle!
- 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,750 Ha, ha, ha!
- 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,627 So come on down to Cartmanland now,
- 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,087 but don't plan on getting past the parking lot,
- 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047 'Cause remember:
- 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,591 ♪ So much to do at Cartmanland but you can't come ♪
- 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,760 Especially you, Stan and Kyle.
- 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,928 That does it! Come on, dude.
- 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,596 Where are we going?
- 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:15,973 We're getting into that fat-ass's park,
- 00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:16,848 whether he likes it or not.
- 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,228 Whoa! Heh, heh.
- 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,604 Whoa.
- 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,064 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
- 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,983 Oh, man, that was awesome!
- 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,151 That one part with the spider that dropped on you--
- 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:29,945 oh, man, that totally got me; that was sweet.
- 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,282 Help! Help! Help! Oh, that hurts!
- 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,783 Help! Oh, that hurts!
- 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,285 You sons of bitches!
- 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,828 Come on, dude!
- 00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,997 Oh God, I popped it! Oh, it hurts!
- 00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,039 What the hell are you doing?
- 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,541 Oh crap.
- 00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,042 Oh God, get me off of here!
- 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,295 Dude!
- 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,963 Stan, I have to go home.
- 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,507 I need my cream. I need my cream!
- 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,633 Alright, let's go.
- 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,093 That's right. You stay out!
- 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,137 You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat-ass!
- 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,014 We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better.
- 00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,640 My life can't get any worse!
- 00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,808 You'll see. We'll get in.
- 00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:03,979 Alright, so listen.
- 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,230 All I want you to do is keep anybody out
- 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,815 who tries to get in here.
- 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,317 If you see anybody on my proper-tuh,
- 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,986 especially Stan and Kyle, you are to shoot on sight.
- 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,863 So what does this job pay?
- 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,156 Alright, now this is very hard
- 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,657 for me to do, you understand.
- 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,159 But in return for you working security,
- 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,161 I'll let you ride two rides a day,
- 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,830 but only two rides and only if I'm not on them.
- 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:26,835 Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides.
- 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,129 But you can ride anything you want,
- 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,548 and you don't have to wait in line.
- 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,050 I'm not interested.
- 00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,052 Dude, are you from Mars or something?
- 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,887 Any ride you want, no lines.
- 00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:40,140 if you need security, I need a cash salary.
- 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,266 But I don't have any cash.
- 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,768 I spent everything on this park.
- 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,019 Well, look, why don't you just let
- 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,979 a couple of people in each day?
- 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,523 Every day you can just let two people in,
- 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,942 charge $29.95 for tickets,
- 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:54,029 and then you can use that to pay my daily salary.
- 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,156 Ugh, two people!
- 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,533 This place is huge. You'll never notice two people.
- 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,535 And then you'll have security for your park.
- 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,037 Well, alright, God damn it.
- 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,830 I'll open the park to two people each day.
- 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,041 But remember, anybody else you see trespassing in the park...
- 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,377 I will shoot on sight. - Sweet.
- 00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,214 You're a very lucky little boy.
- 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,299 I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected.
- 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,801 It could've killed you.
- 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:17,552 Lucky.
- 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,971 Oh, look, Kyle, your little friend Stan is here to see you.
- 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,848 Dude, you okay? - Oh, I'm swell, Stan.
- 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,725 I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence
- 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,102 into Cartmanland, and it got infected.
- 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,728 I really need to go to the bathroom,
- 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,896 but if I do, it will pop again,
- 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,022 and the pain will make me pass out.
- 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,607 How are you?
- 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:31,942 Well, I found out that Cartman's letting
- 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,694 a few people each day into his theme park.
- 00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:36,154 I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.
- 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,907 I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides
- 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,660 for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
- 00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,495 Jesus.
- 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,539 But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out.
- 00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:46,915 You see, if someone like Cartman
- 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,750 can get a million dollars and his own theme park,
- 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,712 then there is no God; there's no God, dude.
- 00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,130 Kyle, don't say such things!
- 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,923 Why? Why, Mom?
- 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,800 Because if I do, something bad will happen to me?
- 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,593 Because if I do, your God might not shower me
- 00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,178 with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
- 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,180 Kyle, you just don't understand; it's--
- 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,974 No, I finally do understand!
- 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,976 There is no justice! There is no God!
- 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:09,020 Do you hear me? I renounce my faith!
- 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,566 Alright, alright, listen up, people.
- 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,277 Cartmanland is open but only to two people each day.
- 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,070 Aww!
- 00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,572 I've just got to cover my security expenses.
- 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,865 Butters, Clyde, you can come in.
- 00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,783 Oh!
- 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,493 The rest of you will just have to try another day.
- 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,582 Hey, one park admission. That'll be $29.95, sir.
- 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:29,916 Five cents is your change.
- 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,251 Enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.
- 00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,503 Oh boy, oh boy!
- 00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,005 And enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.
- 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,590 Oh, finally work is over.
- 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,217 Now I can get back to riding my rides.
- 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,470 ♪ Da-da-da I've got my own theme park ♪
- 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:42,971 Hmm, what should I go on now?
- 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:46,641 I know; I'll go on the Haunted Mansion ride again!
- 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,143 ♪ Da-da da da da-da da-da-da ♪
- 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,811 ♪ Da da- ♪
- 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,021 What are you doing?
- 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,564 We're in line for the Spook House.
- 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:53,982 Line? Line?
- 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,984 I hate lines!
- 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,569 Can't you go on something else right now?
- 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:58,653 We want to see the Spook House.
- 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,781 Well, we paid $29.95.
- 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,157 We should be able to go in the Spook House.
- 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,700 Yeah, but I think it's broke down.
- 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,910 The cars aren't moving.
- 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,036 Alright, alright, hang on.
- 00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,245 Security!
- 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,246 What?
- 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,623 Oh! Jesus, look,
- 00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:10,665 the Haunted House ride broke down.
- 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,875 I need you to fix it.
- 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,668 Uh, I'm security, not maintenance.
- 00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,170 But I don't know how it works.
- 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,838 Your rides are gonna break down every now and then.
- 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,715 You need to hire a maintenance person.
- 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,175 Uh, alright, alright.
- 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,843 I'll let two more people in each day
- 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,678 so I can hire a maintenance person.
- 00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,352 Alright, folks, we've had another change in policy.
- 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,686 I've had to hire a maintenance person,
- 00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:32,854 and to pay his salary,
- 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:36,233 I have to let in two more people a day.
- 00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,734 However, the stupid maintenance person
- 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,611 demanded I have food and drinks inside the park,
- 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,321 so now I've had to hire a beverage person
- 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,906 and a cotton candy person,
- 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,784 which means I now have to let eight people come in a day.
- 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,452 But you are to try your best
- 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,329 not to ride any rides that I am on.
- 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,331 Understood?
- 00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,624 Alright, let's go.
- 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,252 Timmy!
- 00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,461 Wait a minute. Who are you?
- 00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,629 Mike Gainer.
- 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,548 Ha, get the hell out of here, Stan!
- 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:00,966 God damn it, Cartman, let me in!
- 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,717 I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid.
- 00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:03,844 Security!
- 00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,595 it is stupid, Cartman.
- 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,347 You made Kyle lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!
- 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,348 Get him out of here.
- 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,933 Move along, sir.
- 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,810 Ah!! This isn't over, Cartman!
- 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,603 Ugh!
- 00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:16,857 Well, now I can finally get back to riding my rides.
- 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,945 Sweet! Yay!
- 00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,656 Oh, man, I'm so scared.
- 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,533 Aah!
- 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,537 Ah! Aaah!
- 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,956 Just a little more. There we go.
- 00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,791 Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?
- 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,626 Awesome.
- 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,295 Kyle, we want to tell you about the Book of Job.
- 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,796 It's a story from the Bible.
- 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,673 I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?
- 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675 Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this.
- 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,468 Sit down, Kyle.
- 00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:46,720 Uh, okay.
- 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,222 You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan
- 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,976 a long, long time ago.
- 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,644 Job was a great man.
- 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,563 He was blessed with ten lovely children,
- 00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,982 a wonderful wife, and many friends.
- 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,735 he was a godly and a good man and fed the poor.
- 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,695 He was the most upright and honorable of men.
- 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,363 And every day he praised God.
- 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,573 But one day,
- 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,909 Satan went up to heaven and talked to God.
- 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,201 Satan talked to God?
- 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,328 Yes, in the Book of Job,
- 00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:12,621 Satan talks to God.
- 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,206 And God says to Satan, "have you seen Job?"
- 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,376 "He is a great man, and he praises me every day."
- 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,794 But Satan said, "oh, yeah?
- 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,796 "he only praises you because you gave him so much.
- 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,340 "if you didn't give him those things,
- 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,466 he would curse your name."
- 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,675 To which God said,
- 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,677 "Oh, yeah? I'll show you, Satan.
- 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,471 "I'll take those things away from Job,
- 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,514 and he will still praise my name."
- 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,934 And so God had a bunch of barbarians come in
- 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,227 and slaughter Job's ox and donkeys
- 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,729 and murder all his workers.
- 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,731 Then God sent his fireballs from the sky
- 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,233 and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees.
- 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,611 And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating,
- 00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,404 God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house
- 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,906 and crushed and killed them all.
- 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,407 Job was terribly sad,
- 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,659 but he fell to his knees and said,
- 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,911 "the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away"
- 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,288 and praised God's name.
- 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,916 So then Job got painful sores all over his body.
- 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,378 he was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day.
- 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,463 But he still kept his faith.
- 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,673 God said to Satan,
- 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:07,300 "see? I told you." "Job still praises me."
- 00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,640 And that's it? That's the end?
- 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,475 Basically.
- 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,352 That's the most horrible story I've ever heard.
- 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,437 Why would God do such horrible things to a good person
- 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,606 just to prove a point to Satan?
- 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,859 Oh, uh, I don't know.
- 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,277 Then I was right.
- 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,862 Job has all his children killed,
- 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,323 and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies.
- 00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:32,742 There isn't a God.
- 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,453 And since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance,
- 00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:36,913 I have to let in two more people a day
- 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,707 to cover those expenses.
- 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,500 Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary,
- 00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:41,960 so that's three more admissions a day.
- 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,336 Clean-up crew for the bathroom,
- 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,629 money to cover paint and upkeep.
- 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:45,964 So that's about four admissions,
- 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,257 Bringing the grand total to...
- 00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:49,467 God damn it.
- 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,637 816 people can come into the park today.
- 00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,183 Welcome to Cartmanland.
- 00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:00,979 Isn't he getting any better, Doctor?
- 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,856 I don't understand it.
- 00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:05,275 He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all.
- 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,735 It's like he...
- 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,154 Like he's lost all hope.
- 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,363 Well, if you'll excuse me,
- 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,656 I've got some more tests to run.
- 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,325 And now back to <i>Money Quest</i> on HBC.
- 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,910 Welcome back to <i>Money Quest.</i>
- 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,495 In just over two weeks,
- 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,289 young financial genius Eric Cartman
- 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,665 has managed to turn a theme park
- 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,834 that was seeing less than 100 attendees a day
- 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,462 into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
- 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,963 And the way he did it
- 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,214 was with the brilliant "you can't come" technique.
- 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,507 For the first several days,
- 00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,884 the young businessman saturated the market
- 00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,802 with claims that nobody could get into his park.
- 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,429 It made the public crazy.
- 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,347 So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors,
- 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,640 they were lining up around the block.
- 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,767 Simply amazing.
- 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,310 Well, I think we should point out
- 00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,312 that this technique is already being applied
- 00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,230 by businesses all over the country.
- 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,441 I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations.
- 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,192 Nobody can eat here.
- 00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694 You'll have to leave now.
- 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,571 No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie.
- 00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,281 Nobody can see this movie.
- 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,699 <i>I</i> can't even go in.
- 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,950 Out!
- 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,827 Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore!
- 00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,704 Get out of here!
- 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,456 Amazing--Eric Cartman is surely
- 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750 the financial genius of our time.
- 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,211 Uh, uhaah...
- 00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,713 Kyle? Kyle?
- 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,381 Get the doctor!
- 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,892 God damn it, stop running into me!
- 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,329 Ahh!
- 00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:47,418 Ahhhhh!
- 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,920 My God, look at it, Chris.
- 00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,797 That kid completely turned this place around.
- 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,757 He sure did.
- 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,467 Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this.
- 00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,261 Hey, there you are. - Oh, hello.
- 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,846 Congratulations on your success.
- 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,848 Just give me my money back. - What?
- 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,933 I changed my mind. I don't want your stupid park.
- 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,393 But it's doing great.
- 00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,395 You call this great? I call it Hell.
- 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,604 Trade me back, God damn it!
- 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:07,772 You bet!
- 00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,524 I'll go get your money right now.
- 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,942 Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets?
- 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,069 God damn it, get the fuck out of my way!
- 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,619 Isn't he responding at all, Doctor?
- 00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:26,040 I'm sorry, your son appears to be losing the battle.
- 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:30,253 I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs.
- 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,380 Normally the body would fight the infection,
- 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,301 but he's--he's just given up on life.
- 00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,261 But then are you saying...
- 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,388 there's nothing more I can do.
- 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,391 Little fella's just lost his will to live.
- 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,810 Oh, Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!
- 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,647 Good riddance, you stupid park.
- 00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,357 You can all kiss my ass!
- 00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:52,650 Excuse me, Eric Cartman?
- 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,235 Yeah.
- 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,486 I'm Frank Gerret with the IRS.
- 00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,238 You haven't kept records of your income or payout,
- 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,324 and there's a $500,000 discrepancy.
- 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,075 Seize the assets.
- 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,452 Hey! Hey, that's my money!
- 00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:03,745 There's also the lawsuit
- 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,288 of the little boy who died in your park.
- 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,706 The family's entitled to the rest of this.
- 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,499 What, Kenny? He dies all the time!
- 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:11,252 You still owe $13,000 more than this, Mr. Cartman.
- 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,545 We'll see you in court.
- 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,547 You can't take my money, God damn it!
- 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,257 We know how well your park is doing.
- 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,592 You'll make it back in no time.
- 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,261 Ah! But I--ah!
- 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,180 Hey, hey, Mr. Foon, I changed my mind.
- 00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:23,973 I need the park to make my money back.
- 00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,600 No way, Jose. - But I'm getting sued now.
- 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,602 If I don't have the park, I lose everything.
- 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,271 "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France."
- 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,190 This can't be happening! Aaah!
- 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,735 Kyle, you got to come see!
- 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,403 Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley.
- 00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,239 Oh, Gerald!
- 00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,615 Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed
- 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,158 with the machines attached?
- 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,202 Well, I suppose it could be rigged, but I...
- 00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,286 Then damn it, man, do it!
- 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,290 it isn't fair!
- 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,459 You Goddamn assholes, it isn't fair!
- 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,670 Look, Kyle, look.
- 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:56,130 You just built me up to knock me down, didn't you?
- 00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,632 What about my dreams?
- 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,342 What about my money?
- 00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:00,551 Huh?
- 00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:01,970 I'm so pissed off!
- 00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,304 Move along, sir.
- 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,223 You are vandalizing private property.
- 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:09,060 Hey, you used to work for me!
- 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,480 God damn it, you son of a bitch!
- 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,274 Kyle. - He's coming back.
- 00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,984 That's it, baby, that's it.
- 00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,027 Oh God damn it, this sucks!
- 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,445 Wait a minute; yes,
- 00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,489 the hemorrhoid is going into remission.
- 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,491 Arrrrrr rrr!
- 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,243 Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable,
- 00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,619 even more miserable than he was before,
- 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,162 because he's had his dream and lost it.
- 00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,580 It's not fair!
- 00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,541 It's not fair. I wanna die!
- 00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:35,503 I wanna die!
- 00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,422 You <i>are</i> up there.
- 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:10,469 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,513 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,140 Both: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,975 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,143 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:19,186 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:20,896 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:22,565 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:23,983 ♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪
- 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:24,942 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:25,943 Westside.
- 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:29,030 ♪ [muffled] ♪
- 00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:30,322 ♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:31,991 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,327 And so it is with heavy hearts
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:38,497 that we say good bye to Mabel Louise Cartman.
- 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:41,042 She was a good woman, a community leader,
- 00:00:41,167 --> 00:00:44,420 a caring wife, providing mother,
- 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,590 and a loving grandmother.
- 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,175 Mom, it's 3:30.
- 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:50,384 This is taking up my whole Saturday.
- 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,178 Shh, pumpkin, it's almost over.
- 00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:54,055 Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day?
- 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,432 And now let us bow our heads in a moment of silence
- 00:00:56,557 --> 00:01:00,144 and reflect on how Mabel touched our lives.
- 00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:02,229 God, she didn't take this long to die.
- 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:05,107 And now we release the doves to symbolize the Lord
- 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,859 taking Mabel into his arms
- 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,444 and giving her everlasting peace.
- 00:01:13,491 --> 00:01:14,742 Peace.
- 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,162 Great. Now can we go?
- 00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,206 No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of grandma's business.
- 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,166 Ohh! God damn it!
- 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:25,503 "And so I leave my stocks and bonds
- 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:28,089 "worth an estimated $14.12
- 00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,965 to be divided amongst my loving family."
- 00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,009 Mom, I wanna go home!
- 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:34,345 In a minute, sweetie. This is important.
- 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:37,473 "My loving son Stinky, I leave you the house in Nebraska.
- 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,391 Look after it as your father and I did."
- 00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:40,559 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,061 "To my grandson Eric,
- 00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,396 "you were always my favorite fat little man,
- 00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:46,357 my perfect round little pudding piler."
- 00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:47,525 Oh God, you have to embarrass me
- 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:48,526 even in death, Grandma.
- 00:01:48,651 --> 00:01:50,444 "For you, Eric, I leave,
- 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:54,115 "from my life savings, the sum of $1 million,
- 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,407 to be transferred to you immediately."
- 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,409 Whosa-jigga-what?
- 00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,120 A million dollars?
- 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:01,288 "Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate,
- 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,040 "since it is likely the rest of you
- 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,083 would spend the money on crack."
- 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,001 Oh, my. - That can't be!
- 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,169 Excuse me.
- 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:10,548 Does this mean I have $1 million?
- 00:02:10,673 --> 00:02:12,341 Yes, Eric, it's yours.
- 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,801 No way. You don't understand.
- 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,094 Since I was two years old,
- 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,388 it has been my dream to have $1 million.
- 00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,431 And now you do.
- 00:02:19,557 --> 00:02:21,976 Oh.
- 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,812 [screaming]
- 00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:31,277 [screaming continues]
- 00:02:33,571 --> 00:02:35,447 There you are, Jennifer Lopez!
- 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:37,283 You've been most uncooperative, Miss Lopez.
- 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,909 No, please!
- 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,494 I promise I'll never make another album or movie.
- 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:41,954 It's too late for that, Miss Lopez.
- 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:42,872 Have mercy!
- 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:47,293 Pop!
- 00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,086 Yeah-ha! - Awesome!
- 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:54,175 You guys, you guys! [mumbling]
- 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,885 Why?
- 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:59,555 Because! [mumbling]
- 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,140 Nuh-uh.
- 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,850 No, swear to God, it's true...
- 00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,060 You better not be lying, Kenny.
- 00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:11,775 999,400... 999,500...
- 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,360 Damn, Dan, I've never seen that much cash.
- 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,904 Me neither.
- 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:18,949 999,900... 1 million.
- 00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:21,202 Look at it. Look at it, Mother.
- 00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:22,494 See how the light reflects
- 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,288 the spearmint green from its surface.
- 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,915 Eric, that is a lot of money.
- 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,374 Don't you think you should keep it in the bank
- 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,126 instead of at your house?
- 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,294 I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,087 I'm spending it. - On what?
- 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,172 On my dream,
- 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:34,548 on the one thing that I've wanted
- 00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:36,258 ever since I can remember.
- 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,514 Excuse me, son. I'm an investment broker.
- 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:43,974 I can help you invest that money.
- 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,476 Nuh-uh, I'm spending it.
- 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:48,479 Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church.
- 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:51,106 I think God has plenty of money.
- 00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:52,858 What the hell are you doing, fat-ass?
- 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,444 Not much, just taking my $1 million out of the bank.
- 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,363 Oh, my God.
- 00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:59,198 Kenny wasn't lying.
- 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:01,367 Would you mind stepping aside? I've got a purchase to make.
- 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,118 Dude, can you loan me 20 bucks for a new jacket?
- 00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,496 Ha! If you need money, you can get a job, Stan!
- 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957 No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash.
- 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,458 Your grandma left it to you. You didn't earn it!
- 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,252 Didn't earn it?
- 00:04:11,377 --> 00:04:13,087 What about all the years I spent making grandma like me,
- 00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,130 all the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with,
- 00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:17,216 the constant smell of aspirin and pee?
- 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,051 Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!
- 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,889 No, no, this is impossible.
- 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,182 Yeah, it's unbelievable.
- 00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,142 No, I mean this isn't impossible, Stan.
- 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,936 Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world.
- 00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,854 How is it that God gives him a million dollars?
- 00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,065 Come on, we got to see what Cartman is doing with his money.
- 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,441 Why? How could you do this?
- 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,235 There are people starving in Alabama,
- 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,320 and you give Cartman a million dollars?
- 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,826 And if we can just get you to sign here and here.
- 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,411 You're sure this is what you want, sweetie?
- 00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,579 My own amusement park, Mother, I'm sure.
- 00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,790 And now you just sign here, Mr. Foon.
- 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:53,085 I can't do it.
- 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,378 What? - What?
- 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,089 I can't sell this poor kid my park.
- 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,174 Look, I haven't been honest with you.
- 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,135 The park hasn't been doing great business.
- 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,095 Frank, shh. - It ain't right, Chris.
- 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,097 The truth is, the park is a financial flop.
- 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432 I haven't turned a profit in years
- 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,142 because I can't keep attendance up.
- 00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:10,102 Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get people to come.
- 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,854 You--you're not?
- 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,105 No, no, no.
- 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,108 I'm buying it to keep people out!
- 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,860 Don't you see?
- 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,945 Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park
- 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,823 so that I could be alone in it all day, every day.
- 00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,826 I love theme parks, but the lines...
- 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,453 Everywhere you go-- people, crowds.
- 00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:28,954 The rides are great,
- 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,040 but all the lines, lines, lines!
- 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,958 If there's one thing I hate,
- 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:38,297 all the lines, lines, lines, lines!
- 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:40,299 And then there get to be so many people
- 00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:41,967 that they make "fast pass."
- 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,136 So then there's lines for fast pass.
- 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:47,097 You stand in line to get a ticket to stand in line later.
- 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,432 Then there's lines for the bathrooms,
- 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,516 lines for the drinks,
- 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,018 lines for kartankulas
- 00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:53,729 and rare kartankula plinks.
- 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,859 And so you see, this park is for me.
- 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,986 Nobody else will be allowed in.
- 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,322 Oh, well, then I guess I don't feel bad.
- 00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,450 Mr. Cartman, congratulations. The theme park is yours.
- 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,994 Gentlemen, I thank you.
- 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:12,581 Kyle?
- 00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,502 Dude, what are you doing here?
- 00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:18,253 Everybody's looking for you.
- 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,963 Kyle?
- 00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,882 Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan?
- 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,302 This morning I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass.
- 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222 I felt down there and found this big, sore lump...
- 00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,307 On my ass, Stan.
- 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,142 I couldn't even sit down, so...
- 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,395 I had to tell my mother, which was humiliating.
- 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,106 She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating,
- 00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:40,776 and he told me... I have a hemorrhoid.
- 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,278 It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass.
- 00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:46,490 I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan.
- 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,908 I have a hemorrhoid,
- 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:51,245 and Cartman has his own theme park.
- 00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,497 Kyle, I understand what you mean, but--
- 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,290 Do you? Do you, Stan?
- 00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,835 Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah,
- 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,545 to believe that we should all behave a certain way
- 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,088 and good things will come to us.
- 00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,257 I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself.
- 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,884 I'm always saying, "you know, I learned something today."
- 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,469 And what does this so-called God give me in return?
- 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,263 A hemorrhoid.
- 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,140 It doesn't make sense. What is your logic?
- 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,975 Ow.
- 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,060 Look, Cartman, he thinks he's gonna be happy
- 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,395 because he has his own amusement park,
- 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,397 but he's gonna find out that without other people,
- 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,107 the rides are totally lame.
- 00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:22,025 I mean, who could really have fun by themselves
- 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,318 at a theme park?
- 00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:24,820 I'll bet he's sick of it already.
- 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:28,407 Yes! Yes!
- 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:31,493 Awesome!
- 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,036 Ho! Ho!
- 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:36,290 Sweet, yes!
- 00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,292 Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
- 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:39,751 Make sure your seat belt is fastened.
- 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,837 Enjoy the mine shaft!
- 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,465 Heh, heh, heh-heh.
- 00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:48,051 Yes! Yes!
- 00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:51,805 Oh, cool!
- 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,056 Oh, look how much fun I had.
- 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,435 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
- 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,562 Waa! Heh, heh.
- 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,439 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
- 00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:04,776 Ooh, Adventure Island. Check it out. Awesome!
- 00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:08,238 Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
- 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:11,783 [crying] I'm so happy.
- 00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:15,037 I'm so happy!
- 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,209 Oh, hey, dude, <i>Terrance & Phillip</i>
- 00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,627 is just about to start.
- 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:22,211 Great. - What's that?
- 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,004 it's my seat ring.
- 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,631 I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid.
- 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,049 Ow. - Heh, heh. Sorry.
- 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,967 So how are things going at Cartman's theme park?
- 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,511 Dude, just forget about it.
- 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,720 We can't let him get to us, or he wins.
- 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,055 I guess you're right.
- 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,682 Hey, everybody check out the all-new Cartmanland!
- 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,476 It's our Grand Opening!
- 00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,645 Cartmanland has over 100 fabulous rides,
- 00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,439 six roller coasters, and tons of great surprises.
- 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:45,567 And the best part is, you can't come!
- 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,569 That's right, because at Cartmanland,
- 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,947 Only I, Eric Cartman, can get in.
- 00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,533 That means only I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister,
- 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:55,202 a roller coaster that splashes into water--wow!
- 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,579 It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area.
- 00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,249 And nobody can go, especially Stan and Kyle!
- 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,750 Ha, ha, ha!
- 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,627 So come on down to Cartmanland now,
- 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,087 but don't plan on getting past the parking lot,
- 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,047 'Cause remember:
- 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,591 ♪ So much to do at Cartmanland but you can't come ♪
- 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,760 Especially you, Stan and Kyle.
- 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,928 That does it! Come on, dude.
- 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,596 Where are we going?
- 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:15,973 We're getting into that fat-ass's park,
- 00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:16,848 whether he likes it or not.
- 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:21,228 Whoa! Heh, heh.
- 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,604 Whoa.
- 00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,064 Whoa! Heh, heh, heh.
- 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,983 Oh, man, that was awesome!
- 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,151 That one part with the spider that dropped on you--
- 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:29,945 oh, man, that totally got me; that was sweet.
- 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,282 Help! Help! Help! Oh, that hurts!
- 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:34,783 Help! Oh, that hurts!
- 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,285 You sons of bitches!
- 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,828 Come on, dude!
- 00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,997 Oh God, I popped it! Oh, it hurts!
- 00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,039 What the hell are you doing?
- 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,541 Oh crap.
- 00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,042 Oh God, get me off of here!
- 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,295 Dude!
- 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,963 Stan, I have to go home.
- 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,507 I need my cream. I need my cream!
- 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,633 Alright, let's go.
- 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,093 That's right. You stay out!
- 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,137 You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat-ass!
- 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:57,014 We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better.
- 00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,640 My life can't get any worse!
- 00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,808 You'll see. We'll get in.
- 00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:03,979 Alright, so listen.
- 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,230 All I want you to do is keep anybody out
- 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,815 who tries to get in here.
- 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,317 If you see anybody on my proper-tuh,
- 00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,986 especially Stan and Kyle, you are to shoot on sight.
- 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,863 So what does this job pay?
- 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,156 Alright, now this is very hard
- 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,657 for me to do, you understand.
- 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,159 But in return for you working security,
- 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,161 I'll let you ride two rides a day,
- 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,830 but only two rides and only if I'm not on them.
- 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:26,835 Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides.
- 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,129 But you can ride anything you want,
- 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,548 and you don't have to wait in line.
- 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,050 I'm not interested.
- 00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,052 Dude, are you from Mars or something?
- 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,887 Any ride you want, no lines.
- 00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:40,140 if you need security, I need a cash salary.
- 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,266 But I don't have any cash.
- 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,768 I spent everything on this park.
- 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,019 Well, look, why don't you just let
- 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,979 a couple of people in each day?
- 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,523 Every day you can just let two people in,
- 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,942 charge $29.95 for tickets,
- 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:54,029 and then you can use that to pay my daily salary.
- 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,156 Ugh, two people!
- 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,533 This place is huge. You'll never notice two people.
- 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,535 And then you'll have security for your park.
- 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,037 Well, alright, God damn it.
- 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,830 I'll open the park to two people each day.
- 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,041 But remember, anybody else you see trespassing in the park...
- 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,377 I will shoot on sight. - Sweet.
- 00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,214 You're a very lucky little boy.
- 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,299 I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected.
- 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,801 It could've killed you.
- 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:17,552 Lucky.
- 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,971 Oh, look, Kyle, your little friend Stan is here to see you.
- 00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,848 Dude, you okay? - Oh, I'm swell, Stan.
- 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,725 I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence
- 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,102 into Cartmanland, and it got infected.
- 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,728 I really need to go to the bathroom,
- 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:27,896 but if I do, it will pop again,
- 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,022 and the pain will make me pass out.
- 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,607 How are you?
- 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:31,942 Well, I found out that Cartman's letting
- 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,694 a few people each day into his theme park.
- 00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:36,154 I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.
- 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,907 I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides
- 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,660 for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
- 00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,495 Jesus.
- 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,539 But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out.
- 00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:46,915 You see, if someone like Cartman
- 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,750 can get a million dollars and his own theme park,
- 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,712 then there is no God; there's no God, dude.
- 00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,130 Kyle, don't say such things!
- 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,923 Why? Why, Mom?
- 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,800 Because if I do, something bad will happen to me?
- 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,593 Because if I do, your God might not shower me
- 00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,178 with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
- 00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:02,180 Kyle, you just don't understand; it's--
- 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,974 No, I finally do understand!
- 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,976 There is no justice! There is no God!
- 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:09,020 Do you hear me? I renounce my faith!
- 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,566 Alright, alright, listen up, people.
- 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,277 Cartmanland is open but only to two people each day.
- 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,070 All: Aww!
- 00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,572 I've just got to cover my security expenses.
- 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:19,865 Butters, Clyde, you can come in.
- 00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,783 Oh!
- 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,493 The rest of you will just have to try another day.
- 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,582 Hey, one park admission. That'll be $29.95, sir.
- 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:29,916 Five cents is your change.
- 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,251 Enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.
- 00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:33,503 Oh boy, oh boy!
- 00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,005 And enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.
- 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,590 Oh, finally work is over.
- 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:39,217 Now I can get back to riding my rides.
- 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,470 ♪ Da-da-da I've got my own theme park ♪
- 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:42,971 Hmm, what should I go on now?
- 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:46,641 I know; I'll go on the Haunted Mansion ride again!
- 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,143 ♪ Da-da da da da-da da-da-da ♪
- 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,811 ♪ Da da- ♪
- 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,021 What are you doing?
- 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,564 We're in line for the Spook House.
- 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:53,982 Line? Line?
- 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,984 I hate lines!
- 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,569 Can't you go on something else right now?
- 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:58,653 We want to see the Spook House.
- 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,781 Well, we paid $29.95.
- 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,157 We should be able to go in the Spook House.
- 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,700 Yeah, but I think it's broke down.
- 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,910 The cars aren't moving.
- 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,036 Alright, alright, hang on.
- 00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,245 Security!
- 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,246 [feedback] What?
- 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,623 Oh! Jesus, look,
- 00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:10,665 the Haunted House ride broke down.
- 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:11,875 I need you to fix it.
- 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,668 Uh, I'm security, not maintenance.
- 00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,170 But I don't know how it works.
- 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,838 Your rides are gonna break down every now and then.
- 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,715 You need to hire a maintenance person.
- 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,175 Uh, alright, alright.
- 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,843 I'll let two more people in each day
- 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,678 so I can hire a maintenance person.
- 00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,352 Alright, folks, we've had another change in policy.
- 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,686 I've had to hire a maintenance person,
- 00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:32,854 and to pay his salary,
- 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:36,233 I have to let in two more people a day.
- 00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,734 However, the stupid maintenance person
- 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,611 demanded I have food and drinks inside the park,
- 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,321 so now I've had to hire a beverage person
- 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,906 and a cotton candy person,
- 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,784 which means I now have to let eight people come in a day.
- 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,452 But you are to try your best
- 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,329 not to ride any rides that I am on.
- 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,331 Understood?
- 00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,624 Alright, let's go.
- 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:55,252 Timmy!
- 00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,461 Wait a minute. Who are you?
- 00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,629 Mike Gainer.
- 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,548 Ha, get the hell out of here, Stan!
- 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:00,966 God damn it, Cartman, let me in!
- 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,717 I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid.
- 00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:03,844 Security!
- 00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,595 it is stupid, Cartman.
- 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,347 You made Kyle lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!
- 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:08,348 Get him out of here.
- 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,933 Move along, sir.
- 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,810 Ah!! This isn't over, Cartman!
- 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,603 Ugh!
- 00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:16,857 Well, now I can finally get back to riding my rides.
- 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,945 Sweet! Yay!
- 00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,656 Oh, man, I'm so scared.
- 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,533 Aah!
- 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,537 Ah! Aaah!
- 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,956 Just a little more. There we go.
- 00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,791 Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?
- 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,626 Awesome.
- 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,295 Kyle, we want to tell you about the Book of Job.
- 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,796 It's a story from the Bible.
- 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,673 I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?
- 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675 Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this.
- 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,468 Sit down, Kyle.
- 00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:46,720 Uh, okay.
- 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,222 You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan
- 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,976 a long, long time ago.
- 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,644 Job was a great man.
- 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,563 He was blessed with ten lovely children,
- 00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,982 a wonderful wife, and many friends.
- 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,735 he was a godly and a good man and fed the poor.
- 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:03,695 He was the most upright and honorable of men.
- 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,363 And every day he praised God.
- 00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,573 But one day,
- 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,909 Satan went up to heaven and talked to God.
- 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,201 Satan talked to God?
- 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,328 Yes, in the Book of Job,
- 00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:12,621 Satan talks to God.
- 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:15,206 And God says to Satan, "have you seen Job?"
- 00:15:15,332 --> 00:15:18,376 "He is a great man, and he praises me every day."
- 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,794 But Satan said, "oh, yeah?
- 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,796 "he only praises you because you gave him so much.
- 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,340 "if you didn't give him those things,
- 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,466 he would curse your name."
- 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,675 To which God said,
- 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,677 "Oh, yeah? I'll show you, Satan.
- 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,471 "I'll take those things away from Job,
- 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,514 and he will still praise my name."
- 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,934 And so God had a bunch of barbarians come in
- 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,227 and slaughter Job's ox and donkeys
- 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,729 and murder all his workers.
- 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,731 Then God sent his fireballs from the sky
- 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,233 and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees.
- 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,611 And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating,
- 00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,404 God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house
- 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,906 and crushed and killed them all.
- 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,407 Job was terribly sad,
- 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,659 but he fell to his knees and said,
- 00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,911 "the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away"
- 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,288 and praised God's name.
- 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,916 So then Job got painful sores all over his body.
- 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,378 he was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day.
- 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,463 But he still kept his faith.
- 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,673 God said to Satan,
- 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:07,300 "see? I told you." "Job still praises me."
- 00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,640 And that's it? That's the end?
- 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,475 Basically.
- 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,352 That's the most horrible story I've ever heard.
- 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,437 Why would God do such horrible things to a good person
- 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,606 just to prove a point to Satan?
- 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,859 Oh, uh, I don't know.
- 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,277 Then I was right.
- 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,862 Job has all his children killed,
- 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,323 and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies.
- 00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:32,742 There isn't a God.
- 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,453 And since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance,
- 00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:36,913 I have to let in two more people a day
- 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,707 to cover those expenses.
- 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,500 Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary,
- 00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:41,960 so that's three more admissions a day.
- 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,336 Clean-up crew for the bathroom,
- 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,629 money to cover paint and upkeep.
- 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:45,964 So that's about four admissions,
- 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,257 Bringing the grand total to...
- 00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:49,467 God damn it.
- 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,637 816 people can come into the park today.
- 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:55,432 [all cheering]
- 00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,183 Welcome to Cartmanland.
- 00:16:58,977 --> 00:17:00,979 Isn't he getting any better, Doctor?
- 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,856 I don't understand it.
- 00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:05,275 He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all.
- 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,735 It's like he...
- 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,154 Like he's lost all hope.
- 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,363 Well, if you'll excuse me,
- 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,656 I've got some more tests to run.
- 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,325 And now back to <i>Money Quest</i> on HBC.
- 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,910 Welcome back to <i>Money Quest.</i>
- 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,495 In just over two weeks,
- 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,289 young financial genius Eric Cartman
- 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,665 has managed to turn a theme park
- 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,834 that was seeing less than 100 attendees a day
- 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,462 into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
- 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,963 And the way he did it
- 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,214 was with the brilliant "you can't come" technique.
- 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,507 For the first several days,
- 00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,884 the young businessman saturated the market
- 00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,802 with claims that nobody could get into his park.
- 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,429 It made the public crazy.
- 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,347 So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors,
- 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,640 they were lining up around the block.
- 00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:38,767 Simply amazing.
- 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,310 Well, I think we should point out
- 00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,312 that this technique is already being applied
- 00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,230 by businesses all over the country.
- 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,441 I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations.
- 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,192 Nobody can eat here.
- 00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,694 You'll have to leave now.
- 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,571 No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie.
- 00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,281 Nobody can see this movie.
- 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,699 <i>I</i> can't even go in.
- 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,950 Out!
- 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,827 Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore!
- 00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,704 Get out of here!
- 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,456 Amazing--Eric Cartman is surely
- 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,750 the financial genius of our time.
- 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,211 Uh, uhaah...
- 00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,713 Kyle? Kyle?
- 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,381 Get the doctor!
- 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,967 [children shouting and laughing]
- 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,892 God damn it, stop running into me!
- 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,329 Ahh!
- 00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:47,418 Ahhhhh!
- 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,920 My God, look at it, Chris.
- 00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,797 That kid completely turned this place around.
- 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,757 He sure did.
- 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,467 Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this.
- 00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,261 Hey, there you are. - Oh, hello.
- 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,846 Congratulations on your success.
- 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,848 Just give me my money back. - What?
- 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,933 I changed my mind. I don't want your stupid park.
- 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,393 But it's doing great.
- 00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,395 You call this great? I call it Hell.
- 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,604 Trade me back, God damn it!
- 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:07,772 You bet!
- 00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,524 I'll go get your money right now.
- 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,942 Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets?
- 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,069 God damn it, get the fuck out of my way!
- 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,619 Isn't he responding at all, Doctor?
- 00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:26,040 I'm sorry, your son appears to be losing the battle.
- 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:30,253 I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs.
- 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:32,380 Normally the body would fight the infection,
- 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,301 but he's--he's just given up on life.
- 00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,261 But then are you saying...
- 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,388 there's nothing more I can do.
- 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,391 Little fella's just lost his will to live.
- 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,810 Oh, Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!
- 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,647 Good riddance, you stupid park.
- 00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,357 You can all kiss my ass!
- 00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:52,650 Excuse me, Eric Cartman?
- 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,235 Yeah.
- 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,486 I'm Frank Gerret with the IRS.
- 00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,238 You haven't kept records of your income or payout,
- 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,324 and there's a $500,000 discrepancy.
- 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,075 Seize the assets.
- 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:02,452 Hey! Hey, that's my money!
- 00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:03,745 There's also the lawsuit
- 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,288 of the little boy who died in your park.
- 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,706 The family's entitled to the rest of this.
- 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,499 What, Kenny? He dies all the time!
- 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:11,252 You still owe $13,000 more than this, Mr. Cartman.
- 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,545 We'll see you in court.
- 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,547 You can't take my money, God damn it!
- 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,257 We know how well your park is doing.
- 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,592 You'll make it back in no time.
- 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,261 Ah! But I--ah!
- 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,180 Hey, hey, Mr. Foon, I changed my mind.
- 00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:23,973 I need the park to make my money back.
- 00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,600 No way, Jose. - But I'm getting sued now.
- 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,602 If I don't have the park, I lose everything.
- 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,271 "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France."
- 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,190 This can't be happening! Aaah!
- 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,735 Kyle, you got to come see!
- 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,403 Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley.
- 00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,239 Oh, Gerald!
- 00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,615 Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed
- 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,158 with the machines attached?
- 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,202 Well, I suppose it could be rigged, but I...
- 00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,286 Then damn it, man, do it!
- 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,290 it isn't fair!
- 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,459 You Goddamn assholes, it isn't fair!
- 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,670 Look, Kyle, look.
- 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:56,130 You just built me up to knock me down, didn't you?
- 00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,632 What about my dreams?
- 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,342 What about my money?
- 00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:00,551 Huh?
- 00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:01,970 I'm so pissed off!
- 00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,304 Move along, sir.
- 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,223 You are vandalizing private property.
- 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:09,060 Hey, you used to work for me!
- 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,480 God damn it, you son of a bitch!
- 00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,274 Kyle. - He's coming back.
- 00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,984 That's it, baby, that's it.
- 00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,027 Oh God damn it, this sucks!
- 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,445 Wait a minute; yes,
- 00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,489 the hemorrhoid is going into remission.
- 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,491 Arrrrrr rrr!
- 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,243 Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable,
- 00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,619 even more miserable than he was before,
- 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,162 because he's had his dream and lost it.
- 00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,580 It's not fair!
- 00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,541 It's not fair. I wanna die!
- 00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:35,503 I wanna die!
- 00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,422 You <i>are</i> up there.
Скриншоты
