Суперлучшие друзья

00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,599

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:18,936

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,813

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,440

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,693

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:29,030

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:32,450

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,581

Okay, Carol, put the card

you picked back into the deck

00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,583

so I can't see it...twah.

00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:41,417

What's going on?

00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,836

This feller David Blaine.

He's doing magic tricks.

00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,254

Hey, where'd you

get that ice cream?

00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,423

Okay, now hold this card up

to the crowd.

00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,467

Was that the card you picked?

- No, I'm sorry.

00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:50,926

I picked the four of hearts.

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,054

Four of hearts? Really?

Look again.

00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,430

Aah!

00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,723

Ohhh!

- Whoa!

00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,641

That's pretty cool, dude!

- Who's this asshole?

00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,185

He's a magician

named David Blaine, dude.

00:00:59,310 --> 00:00:59,977

He kicks ass.

00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,145

Where'd you guys

get that ice cream?

00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,813

Sir, c-could you

come over here?

00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:04,648

Now, what I want you

to do, Mister...?

00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,483

Kern.

00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:08,152

Mr. Kern, I want you

to just think about a card.

00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,821

Pick any card,

and picture it in your mind.

00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:11,739

Okay.

00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:15,117

Okay, just --

just think about your card.

00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,787

Okay, look at me.

00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,038

Look at me.

00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,499

Look at me.

00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:22,958

Okay, now reach up your ass.

00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:25,795

- Huh?!

- Go on, reach up your ass.

00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:28,422

I don't feel nothing.

00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:29,799

Deeper.

00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,342

I don't feel -- I don--

00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,469

Wait. Wait!

00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,012

Was that the card you picked?

00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597

Yes!

Oh, my God!

00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:37,723

- Oh ho!

- Mm!

00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,683

- Wow, that's cool!

- How'd he do that?

00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:40,309

Thank you.

00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,020

I've been traveling from town

to town for quite a while.

00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,355

I've started quite a following,

00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,733

mostly because of

my levitation trick...twah.

00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,486

Watch. Watch.

00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,533

- Whoa!

- No way!

00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:57,952

Damn. That guy is the coolest

guy in the universe!

00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,203

Pamphlet. Pamphlet.

00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,080

Here you go, kids.

Take a pamphlet.

00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,373

"David Blaine Workshop.

00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,917

Learn all about David Blaine

at the Center for Magic."

00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:05,709

Dude, we got to go!

00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,795

Yeah, and they probably teach

you how to do magic tricks!

00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,340

Hello, everyone.

00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,592

My name is Steven,

and I've been a Blaintologist

00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,760

for about three years.

00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:17,721

So, when David Blaine performed

his miracles out on the street,

00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,181

what moved you the most?

00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,975

His miracles?

00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:24,436

Oh, yes. You see, David Blaine

is much more than a magician.

00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:27,106

He's a scholar,

a visionary, a leader.

00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,315

When are we gonna learn

magic tricks?

00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:28,941

Yeah!

00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,651

Oh, I've got a trick

for you to learn --

00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:33,654

I can show you how to make

your true self appear.

00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:34,989

Let me ask you all something --

00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:37,825

Do you consider yourselves

to be happy?

00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,411

I don't think I'm very happy.

00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:43,664

I always fall asleep

to the sound of my own screams.

00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:47,084

Right, y-you see, the reason

that you are unha--

00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,627

And then I always get

woken up in the morning

00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,087

by the sound of my own screams.

00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,297

Do you think I'm unhappy?

00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:54,884

Well, the -- the point is

that you can be happy.

00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,094

You see, your friends

and parents have programmed you

00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,638

in a way that makes you feel

isolated and alone.

00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:04,268

How many times have you felt

like nobody knows the real you?

00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:05,936

You're not really happy.

00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,396

I'm not really happy.

00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,481

Your potential hasn't

even been reached.

00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,483

My retential

hasn't even been reached.

00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,235

If you look through

David Blaine's incredible book,

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,987

you'll find a lot

of life's answers.

00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,780

Let's read some of the book

together, shall we?

00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,782

Then we get to be in

David Blaine's secret club?

00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:20,534

- That's right.

- Cool!

00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,038

Ike, eat your gefilte fish.

00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,539

- No.

- Mom! Mom!

00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,000

I found out all about this great

new magician named David Blaine.

00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,919

That's nice, Kyle.

Ike, eat!

00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,503

We spent all afternoon

learning about

00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:32,880

how we aren't actually happy.

00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,049

I had no idea how unhappy I was

until today.

00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,300

They gave me this

cool book to read,

00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,635

and I'm already

on chapter four.

00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,803

Well, it's nice to see you so

interested in something, Kyle.

00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:41,972

Ike, for the love of Abraham,

you are gonna eat this!

00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,307

So can I go to the magic camp

00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,725

to learn how to become

a full member?

00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,269

All the other guys are doing it,

and it's only $69.95.

00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,520

Magic camp?

00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,481

I don't know, boubbie.

Ask your father.

00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,774

Ike, you will eat this!

00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:58,030

Prepare to be cleansed and

release the magic inside you.

00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,990

I am prepared!

00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,994

Ah, geez,

it sure got cold in here.

00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,496

Next!

00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957

Congratulations,

young Blaintologists.

00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,042

From this day, you are clean.

00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,544

Now, we have

very important work to do!

00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,964

David Blaine is going to

put on a big magic show

00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:19,468

in Denver tomorrow night, where

he's going to eat his own head.

00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,302

Wow!

00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,429

So it's up to

all you new Blaintologists

00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,348

to get as many people there

as you can.

00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,142

Whoever gets the most people

to come gets a prize!

00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,354

Kyle, I'm starting to think

that this is a really bad idea.

00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,731

I'm not Kyle. I'm Butters.

I thought you were Kyle.

00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,650

- No, I'm Stan.

- You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,026

- Who are you?

- I'm Kyle.

00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,237

Heh heh.

Guess who I am, you guys.

00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,239

Kyle, I think we may have

gotten into something bad here.

00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,116

What do you mean? We're learning

all kinds of cool stuff.

00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,535

Look at us, dude. These people

are trying to change us somehow.

00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,786

I think it's time we went home.

00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,038

But David Blaine's gonna do more

miracles in Denver tomorrow.

00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,456

I don't care!

I'm leaving!

00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:53,711

Excuse me.

00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,921

- Where are you going?

- I'm going home.

00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,506

You don't want to go home.

00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,258

You said we're free to leave

whenever we want.

00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:01,176

- You are.

- Then move out of the way.

00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,595

I'm not in your way.

You are.

00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,723

Are you unhappy

with the church's teachings?

00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,266

Let's just talk about it.

00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,560

I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to leave.

00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,730

Why don't we go into the back

room for a second and talk?

00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,897

Then you can leave.

00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:15,566

That's okay.

I-I changed my mind.

00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:16,692

I'm gonna stay.

00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,402

That's great news.

00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:22,948

Okay, it's all clear.

00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,533

- What are we doing?

- We're getting out of here.

00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,076

This whole thing has

gotten way out of hand.

00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,661

Whoa, whoa,

I'm not going anywhere.

00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,247

- Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!

- It's not stupid, Stan.

00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:32,374

For once in my life, I feel like

I'm part of something.

00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,835

A part of what?! Some gaywad

magician's crazy life plan?

00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,212

Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad!

He's a brilliant man.

00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,797

No, they've just convinced you

that he's a brilliant man.

00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:40,257

- Let's go!

- I'm not going anywhere!

00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,384

God damn it, I'm not going

with you! I want to stay here!

00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,719

Huh?

I thought you wanted to leave.

00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,304

- Oh, wait, who am I again?

- You're Stan.

00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:48,432

Oh, oh, yeah. God--

God damn it, hold on a second.

00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,975

Okay. Now, look, dude,

I'm getting out of here,

00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,560

and you're a dumbass

if you don't come with me.

00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,312

Then I guess I'm a dumbass.

00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:57,941

Kyle, please.

00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,611

You're -- You're my best friend.

00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,906

Well, this is

what I believe in now, Stan.

00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,949

And if you can't respect that,

00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,243

then I guess we're not

best friends anymore.

00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,508

Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle.

And this is Cartman.

00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,718

We'd like to share our interest

in David Blaine with you.

00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:28,097

Uh-oh. My husband warned me

about you Blainiacs.

00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,015

I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.

00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,976

Uh, it doesn't matter, ma'am.

Blaintology is for everyone.

00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,937

There are Blaintologists

who are Catholics, Buddhists.

00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,647

Why, even Kyle here

is a Goddamn Jew.

00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:37,773

That's right.

00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,525

So you're not a cult?

00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,151

A cult?

No.

00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,986

David Blaine is a real person.

00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,155

You may have seen

his television specials on ABC.

00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,616

He also wrote a book, and we'd

like to share it with you.

00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,368

Well, all right.

Come on in.

00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:50,411

Cool.

00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,204

And if you look here,

you can see how David Blaine

00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,623

performed the miracle of being

frozen in ice at Times Square.

00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,749

Ma'am, have you ever wondered

00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,668

what David Blaine's

plan is for you?

00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:58,794

No, not really.

00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,504

Oh, see, that --

that's interesting because

00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,089

I'm so thankful

for David Blaine's book,

00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,882

and I'm so thankful

that he showed me

00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,092

the way to true happiness,

00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:06,760

but I think about

his plan often.

00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,137

David Blaine is doing

a big performance

00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,263

in Denver tomorrow night.

00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,181

We're sure his magic

will entertain and astound you!

00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,474

He's going to eat his own head.

00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,143

How many tickets

can we put you down for?

00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:15,352

Oh, I can't go.

00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,187

Oh, come on.

It'll make you a happy person.

00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,897

- I am happy.

- No, you're not.

00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,315

- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.

00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,692

- I really am.

- No, you're not.

00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,026

- But I am.

- No, you're not.

00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:24,653

- All right, two tickets.

- Great!

00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,196

That's 15 people

we got to agree

00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,115

to come see

David Blaine perform in Denver!

00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,741

Yes, Brother Kyle,

but our work is not over.

00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,326

We must still recruit

10 more audience members

00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,494

in order to get the prize.

00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,080

I think if we try Kenny's

neighborhood, we might find a...

00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,543

Come, Brother Kyle.

We have no time for him.

00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:54,558

Aaah!

00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,561

You'd better watch yourself

next time, abandoner!

00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,983

- Hi, Jesus. It's me, Stan Marsh.

- Stan Marsh.

00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,152

Of course, I know you, my child.

Come in.

00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,278

This guy is going around

doing magic tricks

00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,488

and saying they're miracles.

00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,031

My friend Kyle thinks

he's totally awesome!

00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,949

You are good to bring this

to my attention, Stan.

00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,951

Cults are

a very dangerous thing.

00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,245

I read in the Bible that

you performed miracles too.

00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,497

If you could

go in front of these people

00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:17,748

and do your miracles,

then they'll all see

00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,291

that David Blaine

isn't so special.

00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,294

The miracle I'm most famous for

is turning water into wine.

00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,087

- Can you do it again?

- Very well.

00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:25,714

I shall perform the miracle.

00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,134

Behold! Here you can see

ordinary water -- clear, clean.

00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,053

Okay, now turn around.

00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,597

Uh, n-- tur-- turn around.

00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,601

O-Okay, now turn back.

00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,562

It is now wine!

00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,440

That's it?

That's how you did that trick?

00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:44,441

W-Well, yeah.

00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,735

That trick sucks, Jesus.

00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,862

Oh. Well, I guess it worked

a little better on people

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:49,988

2,000 years ago.

00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:50,864

Dude, we have to do something.

00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,783

This guy is performing more

miracles in Denver tonight.

00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:53,867

He's gonna get more followers,

00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,327

and it will be impossible

for me to get Kyle out.

00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,328

Then let's go!

00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:57,579

But, dude, I'd I don't think

you should do

00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,455

that lame water-to-wine trick.

00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,917

Oh, don't worry. I have a few

more miracles up my sleeve.

00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,963

This is a really good turnout.

00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:10,133

And now, ladies

and gentlemen, David Blaine!

00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,177

Hello, my children...twah.

00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,846

Ladies and Gentlemen,

may we have silence, please,

00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:18,517

as magician David Blaine

will now eat his own head.

00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:31,947

Dude, no way!

00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,871

Thank you, everyone...twah.

00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,332

Our organization

grows larger every day.

00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,167

Soon the government

will even have to give us

00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,920

tax-exempt status

as a bona fide religion.

00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:47,754

Hold!

00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,923

- It's Jesus!

- Is that Jesus?

00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:50,924

What's he doing here?

00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,552

My children,

it is time for you to go home

00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,846

and stop following

this false prophet.

00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,390

You should be using your money

and time for other things.

00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,267

These are simple magic tricks.

00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:03,270

His magic is interesting, but

will it put food on your table?

00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,773

Feeding the hungry,

now that is a miracle!

00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,444

Behold. I have here fives loaves

of bread and three fish.

00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:12,529

Certainly not enough

to feed this entire crowd,

00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,823

but now -- turn around.

00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:17,993

You need to turn around.

00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,166

Okay, now turn back.

00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,338

Now, how the hell

did he do that?

00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,593

- Wow!

- Wow!

00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,220

Your magic is old and outdated,

Jesus...twah.

00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,473

- Just like you are.

- Oh, really?

00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:42,267

Then what's this ace of spades

doing behind your ear?

00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,852

- Whoa.

- Nice. Ooh!

00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,480

- Whoa!

- Wow!

00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,155

Jesus Christ!

00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,698

He's incredible!

00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,950

The old religions

have failed you...twah.

00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:02,704

What have they offered except

for war, poverty, and sadness?

00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,373

Blaintology offers you the key

00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,583

to living your life

to the fullest!

00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,876

Will you join us?

00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,169

Yes!

00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,129

His magic is too powerful,

Stanley.

00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,589

I've never seen

anything like it.

00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,925

Then what are we gonna do?

- I cannot face him alone.

00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,594

We must get the help

of all the Super Best Friends.

00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,054

Buddha -- Buddha, come in!

00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,305

"Super Best Friends"?

00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,890

This is Buddha, Jesus.

Go ahead.

00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,475

Buddha, we may have a problem.

00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,811

I've just encountered a magic

I've never seen before.

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,270

I'll call everyone together.

00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,438

Come as fast as you can.

00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,274

Come, Stanley.

We must travel far and long.

00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,277

To where?

- Distances unfathomable to man.

00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,613

Yea, take hold

of my robe, Stanley,

00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,198

and do not open your eyes.

00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,074

I am ready.

00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,160

Are you still

keeping your eyes closed?

00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,329

Yeah.

- Good. You want some peanuts?

00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:48,583

Congratulations, sister.

00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,752

You have heard the noble truth

and are now a Blaintologist.

00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,629

Everyone!

Everyone, gather around!

00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,048

I have great news

for all Blaintologists

00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:56,466

and for our new members, as well.

00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:59,261

We've just gotten word

from Mr. Blaine himself.

00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,805

The government has denied

our church's request

00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,348

for tax-exempt status!

00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,767

But we want

tax-exempt status.

00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,352

Yeah, why is that good news?

00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:11,398

Because Mr. Blaine has arranged

for all Blaintologist members

00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,276

from every city and state

to march into Washington

00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,028

and demand our right

for tax-exempt status

00:12:17,154 --> 00:12:19,614

by committing a mass suicide!

00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,782

Mass suicide?

00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,493

Mr. Blaine has said that by

killing ourselves in Washington,

00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:27,205

we are guaranteed everlasting

happiness in the afterlife!

00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,043

Get your things ready.

We leave for Washington at dawn!

00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:35,756

Did you hear that, guys?

We're finally gonna die!

00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:43,096

All right, Stanley.

You can open your eyes now.

00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,557

This is the Hall of the

Super Best Friends, Stanley.

00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,018

The headquarters for those

who stand for what's right.

00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:53,356

Jesus! We've been working hard

since we got your distress call.

00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,524

Who the kid?

00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,569

Stanley, I want you to meet

some of the Super Best Friends.

00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,946

Buddha, with the powers

of invisibility.

00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,783

Muhammad, the Muslim prophet

with the powers of flame.

00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,409

Krishna, the Hindu deity.

00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,119

Joseph Smith,

the Mormon prophet.

00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,662

Lao-tzu, the found of Taoism.

00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,081

And Sea Man, with the ability

to breathe underwater

00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,708

and link mentally with fish.

00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,710

So you mean to tell me

that even though people fight

00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,629

and argue over

different religions,

00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589

you guys are all

actually friends?

00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,049

More than friends, young boy.

00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,801

We are Super Best Friends

00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,761

with the desire

to fight for justice.

00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,388

We all believe in the power

of good over evil.

00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,473

Except for Buddha, of course,

00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,891

who doesn't really

believe in evil.

00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:29,810

Wow.

00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,853

Jesus!

Come look at this.

00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,648

After your distress call,

we entered David Blaine

00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,107

into the Super Best Friends

computer.

00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,901

Many interesting things

showed up.

00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,111

He was raised in New York City

by a decent family

00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,738

but a freak washing-machine accident

00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:44,908

at the age of 12 made him learn

the ways of the black arts.

00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,159

That's right, Seaman.

00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,037

Sea Man!

00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,705

Uh, that's what I said --

Seaman.

00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,375

Stop it!

00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,380

Cartman!

00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,382

Cartman, wake up.

Cartman.

00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,092

No, Paula Poundstone,

leave me alone!

00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,469

- Aah! Uh...

- It's just me.

00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,097

Brother Kyle.

Why do you disturb my rest?

00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,432

Dude. I don't think I want to

be part of this anymore.

00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,058

What?

00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,560

I think Stan might've been right.

00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,186

Anyway, I think

it's going too far.

00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:16,356

I mean, if I kill myself, it's

gonna make my family really sad.

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,401

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I don't want to die either.

00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,986

I haven't even

gotten my pubes yet.

00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,904

I think we should bail.

00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:23,905

If we leave the group,

00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,782

maybe other people will get

the courage to leave, too.

00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,702

That cou-- That could be

difficult, Brother Kyle.

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,246

But all right, listen --

Why don't we sleep on it?

00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,539

If we decide

to leave the faction,

00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:33,790

we can do it in the morning.

00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,293

Okay.

Okay, you're right.

00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,503

Oh, Cartman?

Thanks.

00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,052

Cartman?

00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,222

What the hell?

00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,768

I told on you!

00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,228

I told on you!

00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,688

What have you done, Cartman?!

00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,565

This is for your own good,

Brother Kyle.

00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,859

You must understand,

brother Kyle...twah.

00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,527

You know too much

about the church.

00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,155

If you left now, you'd become

a danger to our cause.

00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,157

And you know

what else Kyle said?

00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,658

Um, Kyle,

00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,577

he said that if we were

all gonna commit suicide,

00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,454

that he wouldn't do it.

00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:13,872

Cartman, you fat-ass tattletale!

00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,790

At least I'm not the boy

in the plastic bubble.

00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,667

The suicide pact

will go as planned.

00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,420

If we die, we all die together.

00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:27,052

Meanwhile, at the

Hall of Super Best Friends...

00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,345

Look at that, Jesus.

00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,430

His followers are growing

at a rate even faster than mine.

00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,390

It appears this David Blaine

is as dangerous

00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,267

as you and your young friend

had feared.

00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,101

I knew it!

00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,354

Here, I have a videotape of his

performance the other night.

00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,356

Perhaps we should have

Moses look at the tape

00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,690

and see what he comes up with.

00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,067

Moses, scan this tape.

00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,985

Can you tell us the source

of Blaine's power?

00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,904

Give me the information.

00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,074

Wow! The Moses.

00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,410

His magic is a combination

of centrifugal line

00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:53,870

and sleight of hand.

00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,121

Wait a minute.

00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,581

I'm picking up movement

00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,708

from Blaintologists

all over the country.

00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,544

The Blaintologists

are heading to Washington.

00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,380

- But why?

- Wait a minute.

00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,548

At his performance, David Blaine

said something about

00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,384

trying to get

tax-exempt status.

00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,426

- Oh, my God!

- What?

00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,387

If he gets tax-exempt status,

00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,097

then he'll become a real religion.

00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,808

He would become unstoppable.

00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,268

Meanwhile,

in the Nation's Capitol,

00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,312

Blaintologists from

all over the country

00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,898

have gathered

to commit mass suicide!

00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,901

If the government will not

give us tax-exempt status,

00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,278

then we must prove

that we are willing to die

00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:28,738

for our beliefs...twah.

00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,740

All right, brothers and sisters,

gather around.

00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,576

It's time to drown ourselves

in the reflecting pool.

00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,954

However, the reflecting pool

is a little more shallow

00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,581

than we originally thought,

so to drown ourselves,

00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,959

you will need to

lie on your stomach facedown

00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,670

until you die, as such.

00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,343

Next!

00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,637

Meanwhile,

at the White House...

00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,931

Mr. President, we can't let them

all kill themselves.

00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,475

Well, we can't give them

tax-exempt status either, Karl!

00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,394

Hey, George!

What's going on?

00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,813

All right, Brother Kyle,

it is time for us to die!

00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,274

Cartman! We've been brainwashed,

don't you see?

00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,483

We don't have to do this!

00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:06,943

But it's the only way

for us to be happy.

00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,194

Cartman, no!

00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:16,077

Give us what we want or we will

continue to die...twah.

00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,662

Not so fast, David Blaine.

00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,205

Jesus! Not again.

00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,916

Yes! But this time,

I've brought some help.

00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,168

Super Best Friends, ho!

00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,252

- Buddha!

- Muhammad!

00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,086

- Joseph Smith!

- Krishna!

00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,087

- Lao-tzu!

- Sea Man!

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,174

The mass suicide is over,

Blaine, and so are you!

00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,967

I don't think so.

Get them!

00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,930

My ice breath

should take care of you.

00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,974

Kyle! Kyle!

00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,768

Sweet salvation!

00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,313

Kyle?

00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:49,360

Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,321

You bastards!

00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,405

Kyle?

00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,074

Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,367

You bastards!

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,036

Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:01,081

- That takes care of them.

- Now it's your turn, Blaine!

00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,750

Perhaps you need to see

some real magic.

00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,840

Raaargh!

00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:11,966

Oh, this looks like trouble.

00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,344

So long, Super Best Fools!

00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:15,220

- Kyle!

- Stan!

00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,806

- Kyle, you can't kill yourself!

- I don't want to kill myself!

00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,557

They rigged this thing

to fill with water!

00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,813

We've got to stop

that oversized Abraham Lincoln!

00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,980

Muhammad!

00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,733

- Aargh!

- Aah!

00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:29,776

Great Scott!

00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,987

Okay, try again.

00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:33,988

Hyup!

00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,785

It is too powerful, Jesus!

00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,121

It seems to have no weakness.

00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,789

There has to be a way

to destroy it.

00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:43,957

Jesus to Moses!

00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,127

Meanwhile, at the

Super Best Friends League...

00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,087

- Come in, Moses!

- What?

00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,048

We need to know how to kill

a giant, stone Abraham Lincoln.

00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,051

Um...

00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,762

Let me, um...

00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:01,099

A giant, stone

John Wilkes Booth?

00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,019

You heard him,

Super Best Friends!

00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,897

We've got to make a giant,

stone John Wilkes Booth!

00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:10,150

Krishna, we're going

to need wood for a mold!

00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,318

Form of -- a beaver!

00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,782

I will find sources of concrete.

00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,617

You, get the water

to mix it with, Seaman.

00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,997

Using the wood that

Krishna cut down as a beaver,

00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,249

Jesus uses

his master carpentry skills

00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,750

to make a giant mold.

00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,378

That should do the trick.

Now for some concrete.

00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,755

Meanwhile, in the ocean depths,

00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,717

Seaman seeks out water

to mix with the concrete.

00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:36,926

Sea Man!

00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,512

Look, Swallow, we should be able

to divert the water

00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:40,513

with that pipe.

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,932

And so Seaman and Swallow

00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,559

get to -- get to work, heh.

00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,811

Kyle, you have to

hold your breath!

00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:54,652

Oh, very funny.

00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:00,950

Lao-tzu, bring it to life.

00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:03,036

Using his power of Taoism,

00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,956

Lao-tzu becomes one with the

giant, stone John Wilkes Booth.

00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:11,044

Barp!

00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,339

Ah!

00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:15,173

It worked.

00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,634

Now freeze over the pool so no

one else can drown themselves!

00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,845

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:23,264

Hey, I was just about to do it!

00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,059

Later,

at the exact same location...

00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,936

Damn you, Super Best Friends!

00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,939

Your magic is no match for

our powers combined, Blaine!

00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,900

Then I guess you win this time,

Super Best Fools!

00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,235

But I'll be back!

00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,486

Twaah.

00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,488

God damn it!

00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:41,407

It's all right.

Everything is as it should be.

00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:42,533

Oh, shut up, Buddha.

00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,079

Our leader, he's --

he's leaving us.

00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,164

Don't leave us, David Blaine!

00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,624

Listen up, everyone.

00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,668

You don't need David Blaine

to tell you how to live.

00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,212

You see, cults are dangerous

because they promise you hope,

00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,047

happiness,

and maybe even an afterlife.

00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,757

But in return,

they demand you pay money.

00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,467

Any religion that

requires you to pay money

00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,178

in order to move up

and learn its tenets is wrong.

00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,097

You see, all religions have

something valuable to teach,

00:21:04,222 --> 00:21:06,432

but just like

the Super Best Friends learned,

00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:09,185

it requires

a little bit of them all.

00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,438

He's right.

He -- He's right!

00:21:12,563 --> 00:21:15,275

Thanks for saving me, Stan.

You're my Super Best Friend.

00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,859

Your my Super Best Friend, too,

Kyle.

00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,695

Oh, that's so sweet, you guys.

00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,780

You want to go get a room

so you can make out for a while?

00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:23,241

Ow!

Jesus! What was that for?!

00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,410

Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow!

00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:27,829

Well, it looks like

everything worked out.

00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,416

And so Jesus and his

companions leave Washington.

00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,167

But their return is assured,

00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,044

for there will

always be a need for

00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:37,547

the Super Best Friends!

00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,599

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:18,936

♪ Goin' down to South Park,

gonna leave my woes behind ♪

00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,813

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,440

♪ People spouting,

"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,693

♪ Heading on up to South Park,

gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:29,030

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:32,450

♪ Come on down to South Park

and meet some friends of mine ♪

00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,581

Okay, Carol, put the card

you picked back into the deck

00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,583

so I can't see it...twah.

00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:41,417

What's going on?

00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,836

This feller David Blaine.

He's doing magic tricks.

00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,254

Hey, where'd you

get that ice cream?

00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,423

Okay, now hold this card up

to the crowd.

00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,467

Was that the card you picked?

- No, I'm sorry.

00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:50,926

I picked the four of hearts.

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,054

Four of hearts? Really?

Look again.

00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,430

Aah!

00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,723

Ohhh!

- Whoa!

00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,641

That's pretty cool, dude!

- Who's this asshole?

00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,185

He's a magician

named David Blaine, dude.

00:00:59,310 --> 00:00:59,977

He kicks ass.

00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,145

Where'd you guys

get that ice cream?

00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,813

Sir, c-could you

come over here?

00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:04,648

Now, what I want you

to do, Mister...?

00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,483

Kern.

00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:08,152

Mr. Kern, I want you

to just think about a card.

00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,821

Pick any card,

and picture it in your mind.

00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:11,739

Okay.

00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:15,117

Okay, just --

just think about your card.

00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,787

Okay, look at me.

00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,038

Look at me.

00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,499

Look at me.

00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:22,958

Okay, now reach up your ass.

00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:25,795

- Huh?!

- Go on, reach up your ass.

00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:28,422

I don't feel nothing.

00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:29,799

- Deeper.

- [ Grunts ]

00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,342

I don't feel -- I don--

00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,469

Wait. Wait!

00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,012

Was that the card you picked?

00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597

Yes!

Oh, my God!

00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:37,723

- Oh ho!

- Mm!

00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,683

- Wow, that's cool!

- How'd he do that?

00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:40,309

Thank you.

00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,020

I've been traveling from town

to town for quite a while.

00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,355

I've started quite a following,

00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,733

mostly because of

my levitation trick...twah.

00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,486

Watch. Watch.

00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,533

- Whoa!

- No way!

00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:57,952

Damn. That guy is the coolest

guy in the universe!

00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,203

Pamphlet. Pamphlet.

00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,080

Here you go, kids.

Take a pamphlet.

00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,373

"David Blaine Workshop.

00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,917

Learn all about David Blaine

at the Center for Magic."

00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:05,709

Dude, we got to go!

00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,795

Yeah, and they probably teach

you how to do magic tricks!

00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,340

Hello, everyone.

00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,592

My name is Steven,

and I've been a Blaintologist

00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,760

for about three years.

00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:17,721

So, when David Blaine performed

his miracles out on the street,

00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,181

what moved you the most?

00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,975

His miracles?

00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:24,436

Oh, yes. You see, David Blaine

is much more than a magician.

00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:27,106

He's a scholar,

a visionary, a leader.

00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,315

When are we gonna learn

magic tricks?

00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:28,941

Yeah!

00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,651

Oh, I've got a trick

for you to learn --

00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:33,654

I can show you how to make

your true self appear.

00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:34,989

Let me ask you all something --

00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:37,825

Do you consider yourselves

to be happy?

00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,411

I don't think I'm very happy.

00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:43,664

I always fall asleep

to the sound of my own screams.

00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:47,084

Right, y-you see, the reason

that you are unha--

00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,627

And then I always get

woken up in the morning

00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,087

by the sound of my own screams.

00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,297

Do you think I'm unhappy?

00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:54,884

Well, the -- the point is

that you can be happy.

00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,094

You see, your friends

and parents have programmed you

00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,638

in a way that makes you feel

isolated and alone.

00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:04,268

How many times have you felt

like nobody knows the real you?

00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:05,936

You're not really happy.

00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,396

KYLE: I'm not really happy.

00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,481

Your potential hasn't

even been reached.

00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,483

My retential

hasn't even been reached.

00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,235

If you look through

David Blaine's incredible book,

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,987

you'll find a lot

of life's answers.

00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,780

Let's read some of the book

together, shall we?

00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,782

Then we get to be in

David Blaine's secret club?

00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:20,534

- That's right.

- Cool!

00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,038

Ike, eat your gefilte fish.

00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,539

- No.

- Mom! Mom!

00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,000

I found out all about this great

new magician named David Blaine.

00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,919

That's nice, Kyle.

Ike, eat!

00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,503

We spent all afternoon

learning about

00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:32,880

how we aren't actually happy.

00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,049

I had no idea how unhappy I was

until today.

00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,300

They gave me this

cool book to read,

00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,635

and I'm already

on chapter four.

00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,803

Well, it's nice to see you so

interested in something, Kyle.

00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:41,972

Ike, for the love of Abraham,

you are gonna eat this!

00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,307

So can I go to the magic camp

00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,725

to learn how to become

a full member?

00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,269

All the other guys are doing it,

and it's only $69.95.

00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,520

Magic camp?

00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,481

I don't know, boubbie.

Ask your father.

00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,774

Ike, you will eat this!

00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:58,030

Prepare to be cleansed and

release the magic inside you.

00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,990

I am prepared!

00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,325

[Buzzes]

00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,994

Ah, geez,

it sure got cold in here.

00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,496

Next!

00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957

Congratulations,

young Blaintologists.

00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,042

From this day, you are clean.

00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,544

Now, we have

very important work to do!

00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,964

David Blaine is going to

put on a big magic show

00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:19,468

in Denver tomorrow night, where

he's going to eat his own head.

00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,302

[All]

Wow!

00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,429

So it's up to

all you new Blaintologists

00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,348

to get as many people there

as you can.

00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,142

Whoever gets the most people

to come gets a prize!

00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,354

Kyle, I'm starting to think

that this is a really bad idea.

00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,731

I'm not Kyle. I'm Butters.

I thought you were Kyle.

00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,650

- No, I'm Stan.

- You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,026

- Who are you?

- I'm Kyle.

00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,237

Heh heh.

Guess who I am, you guys.

00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,239

Kyle, I think we may have

gotten into something bad here.

00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,116

What do you mean? We're learning

all kinds of cool stuff.

00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,535

Look at us, dude. These people

are trying to change us somehow.

00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,786

I think it's time we went home.

00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,038

But David Blaine's gonna do more

miracles in Denver tomorrow.

00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,456

I don't care!

I'm leaving!

00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:53,711

Excuse me.

00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,921

- Where are you going?

- I'm going home.

00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,506

You don't want to go home.

00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,258

You said we're free to leave

whenever we want.

00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:01,176

- You are.

- Then move out of the way.

00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,595

I'm not in your way.

You are.

00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,723

Are you unhappy

with the church's teachings?

00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,266

Let's just talk about it.

00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,560

I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to leave.

00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,730

Why don't we go into the back

room for a second and talk?

00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,897

Then you can leave.

00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:15,566

That's okay.

I-I changed my mind.

00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:16,692

I'm gonna stay.

00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,402

That's great news.

00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:22,948

Okay, it's all clear.

00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,533

- What are we doing?

- We're getting out of here.

00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,076

This whole thing has

gotten way out of hand.

00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,661

Whoa, whoa,

I'm not going anywhere.

00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,247

- Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!

- It's not stupid, Stan.

00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:32,374

For once in my life, I feel like

I'm part of something.

00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,835

A part of what?! Some gaywad

magician's crazy life plan?

00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,212

Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad!

He's a brilliant man.

00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,797

No, they've just convinced you

that he's a brilliant man.

00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:40,257

- Let's go!

- I'm not going anywhere!

00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,384

God damn it, I'm not going

with you! I want to stay here!

00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,719

Huh?

I thought you wanted to leave.

00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,304

- Oh, wait, who am I again?

- You're Stan.

00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:48,432

Oh, oh, yeah. God--

God damn it, hold on a second.

00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,975

Okay. Now, look, dude,

I'm getting out of here,

00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,560

and you're a dumbass

if you don't come with me.

00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,312

Then I guess I'm a dumbass.

00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:57,941

Kyle, please.

00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,611

You're -- You're my best friend.

00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,906

Well, this is

what I believe in now, Stan.

00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,949

And if you can't respect that,

00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,243

then I guess we're not

best friends anymore.

00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,508

Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle.

And this is Cartman.

00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,718

We'd like to share our interest

in David Blaine with you.

00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:28,097

Uh-oh. My husband warned me

about you Blainiacs.

00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,015

I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.

00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,976

Uh, it doesn't matter, ma'am.

Blaintology is for everyone.

00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,937

There are Blaintologists

who are Catholics, Buddhists.

00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,647

Why, even Kyle here

is a Goddamn Jew.

00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:37,773

That's right.

00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,525

So you're not a cult?

00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,151

[Chuckling] A cult?

No.

00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,986

David Blaine is a real person.

00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,155

You may have seen

his television specials on ABC.

00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,616

He also wrote a book, and we'd

like to share it with you.

00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,368

Well, all right.

Come on in.

00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:50,411

Cool.

00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,204

And if you look here,

you can see how David Blaine

00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,623

performed the miracle of being

frozen in ice at Times Square.

00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,749

Ma'am, have you ever wondered

00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,668

what David Blaine's

plan is for you?

00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:58,794

No, not really.

00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,504

Oh, see, that --

that's interesting because

00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,089

I'm so thankful

for David Blaine's book,

00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,882

and I'm so thankful

that he showed me

00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,092

the way to true happiness,

00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:06,760

but I think about

his plan often.

00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,137

David Blaine is doing

a big performance

00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,263

in Denver tomorrow night.

00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,181

We're sure his magic

will entertain and astound you!

00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,474

He's going to eat his own head.

00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,143

How many tickets

can we put you down for?

00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:15,352

Oh, I can't go.

00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,187

Oh, come on.

It'll make you a happy person.

00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,897

- I am happy.

- No, you're not.

00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,315

- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.

00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,692

- I really am.

- No, you're not.

00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,026

- But I am.

- No, you're not.

00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:24,653

- All right, two tickets.

- Great!

00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,196

That's 15 people

we got to agree

00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,115

to come see

David Blaine perform in Denver!

00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,741

Yes, Brother Kyle,

but our work is not over.

00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,326

We must still recruit

10 more audience members

00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,494

in order to get the prize.

00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,080

I think if we try Kenny's

neighborhood, we might find a...

00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,543

Come, Brother Kyle.

We have no time for him.

00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:49,928

[Engine starts]

00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,472

[Tires screech]

00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:54,558

Aaah!

00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,561

You'd better watch yourself

next time, abandoner!

00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,064

[Doorbell rings]

00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,983

- Hi, Jesus. It's me, Stan Marsh.

- Stan Marsh.

00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,152

Of course, I know you, my child.

Come in.

00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,278

This guy is going around

doing magic tricks

00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,488

and saying they're miracles.

00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,031

My friend Kyle thinks

he's totally awesome!

00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,949

You are good to bring this

to my attention, Stan.

00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,951

Cults are

a very dangerous thing.

00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,245

I read in the Bible that

you performed miracles too.

00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,497

If you could

go in front of these people

00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:17,748

and do your miracles,

then they'll all see

00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,291

that David Blaine

isn't so special.

00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,294

The miracle I'm most famous for

is turning water into wine.

00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,087

- Can you do it again?

- Very well.

00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:25,714

I shall perform the miracle.

00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,134

Behold! Here you can see

ordinary water -- clear, clean.

00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,053

Okay, now turn around.

00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,597

Uh, n-- tur-- turn around.

00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,601

O-Okay, now turn back.

00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,562

It is now wine!

00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,440

That's it?

That's how you did that trick?

00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:44,441

W-Well, yeah.

00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,735

That trick sucks, Jesus.

00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,862

Oh. Well, I guess it worked

a little better on people

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:49,988

2,000 years ago.

00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:50,864

Dude, we have to do something.

00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,783

This guy is performing more

miracles in Denver tonight.

00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:53,867

He's gonna get more followers,

00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,327

and it will be impossible

for me to get Kyle out.

00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,328

Then let's go!

00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:57,579

But, dude, I'd I don't think

you should do

00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,455

that lame water-to-wine trick.

00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,917

Oh, don't worry. I have a few

more miracles up my sleeve.

00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,963

This is a really good turnout.

00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:10,133

And now, ladies

and gentlemen, David Blaine!

00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,177

Hello, my children...twah.

00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,846

Ladies and Gentlemen,

may we have silence, please,

00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:18,517

as magician David Blaine

will now eat his own head.

00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:27,276

[Audience gasping, murmuring ]

00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:30,904

[ Cheers and applause ]

00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:31,947

Dude, no way!

00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,871

Thank you, everyone...twah.

00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,332

Our organization

grows larger every day.

00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,167

Soon the government

will even have to give us

00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,920

tax-exempt status

as a bona fide religion.

00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:47,754

Hold!

00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,923

- It's Jesus!

- Is that Jesus?

00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:50,924

What's he doing here?

00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,552

My children,

it is time for you to go home

00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,846

and stop following

this false prophet.

00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,390

You should be using your money

and time for other things.

00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,267

These are simple magic tricks.

00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:03,270

His magic is interesting, but

will it put food on your table?

00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,773

Feeding the hungry,

now that is a miracle!

00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,444

Behold. I have here fives loaves

of bread and three fish.

00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:12,529

Certainly not enough

to feed this entire crowd,

00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,823

but now -- turn around.

00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:17,993

You need to turn around.

00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,166

Okay, now turn back.

00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,338

Now, how the hell

did he do that?

00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,593

- Wow!

- Wow!

00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,220

Your magic is old and outdated,

Jesus...twah.

00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,473

- Just like you are.

- Oh, really?

00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:42,267

Then what's this ace of spades

doing behind your ear?

00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,852

- Whoa.

- Nice. Ooh!

00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,480

- Whoa!

- Wow!

00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,945

[Cheers and applause]

00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,155

Jesus Christ!

00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,698

He's incredible!

00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,950

The old religions

have failed you...twah.

00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:02,704

What have they offered except

for war, poverty, and sadness?

00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,373

Blaintology offers you the key

00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,583

to living your life

to the fullest!

00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,876

Will you join us?

00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,169

[All] Yes!

00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,129

His magic is too powerful,

Stanley.

00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,589

I've never seen

anything like it.

00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,925

Then what are we gonna do?

- I cannot face him alone.

00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,594

We must get the help

of all the Super Best Friends.

00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,054

Buddha -- Buddha, come in!

00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,305

"Super Best Friends"?

00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,890

This is Buddha, Jesus.

Go ahead.

00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,475

Buddha, we may have a problem.

00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,811

I've just encountered a magic

I've never seen before.

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,270

I'll call everyone together.

00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,438

Come as fast as you can.

00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,274

Come, Stanley.

We must travel far and long.

00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,277

To where?

- Distances unfathomable to man.

00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,613

Yea, take hold

of my robe, Stanley,

00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,198

and do not open your eyes.

00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,074

I am ready.

00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,160

Are you still

keeping your eyes closed?

00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,329

Yeah.

- Good. You want some peanuts?

00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,124

[Indistinct conversations]

00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:48,583

Congratulations, sister.

00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,752

You have heard the noble truth

and are now a Blaintologist.

00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,629

Everyone!

Everyone, gather around!

00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,048

I have great news

for all Blaintologists

00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:56,466

and for our new members, as well.

00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:59,261

We've just gotten word

from Mr. Blaine himself.

00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,805

The government has denied

our church's request

00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,348

for tax-exempt status!

00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,767

But we want

tax-exempt status.

00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,352

Yeah, why is that good news?

00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:11,398

Because Mr. Blaine has arranged

for all Blaintologist members

00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,276

from every city and state

to march into Washington

00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,028

and demand our right

for tax-exempt status

00:12:17,154 --> 00:12:19,614

by committing a mass suicide!

00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,782

Mass suicide?

00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,493

Mr. Blaine has said that by

killing ourselves in Washington,

00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:27,205

we are guaranteed everlasting

happiness in the afterlife!

00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,790

[Laughter, indistinct talking]

00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,043

Get your things ready.

We leave for Washington at dawn!

00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:35,756

Did you hear that, guys?

We're finally gonna die!

00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:43,096

All right, Stanley.

You can open your eyes now.

00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,557

This is the Hall of the

Super Best Friends, Stanley.

00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,018

The headquarters for those

who stand for what's right.

00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:53,356

Jesus! We've been working hard

since we got your distress call.

00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,524

Who the kid?

00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,569

Stanley, I want you to meet

some of the Super Best Friends.

00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,946

Buddha, with the powers

of invisibility.

00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,783

Muhammad, the Muslim prophet

with the powers of flame.

00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,409

Krishna, the Hindu deity.

00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,119

Joseph Smith,

the Mormon prophet.

00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,662

Lao-tzu, the found of Taoism.

00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,081

And Sea Man, with the ability

to breathe underwater

00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,708

and link mentally with fish.

00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,710

So you mean to tell me

that even though people fight

00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,629

and argue over

different religions,

00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589

you guys are all

actually friends?

00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,049

More than friends, young boy.

00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,801

We are Super Best Friends

00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,761

with the desire

to fight for justice.

00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,388

We all believe in the power

of good over evil.

00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,473

Except for Buddha, of course,

00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,891

who doesn't really

believe in evil.

00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:29,810

Wow.

00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,853

Jesus!

Come look at this.

00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,648

After your distress call,

we entered David Blaine

00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,107

into the Super Best Friends

computer.

00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,901

Many interesting things

showed up.

00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,111

He was raised in New York City

by a decent family

00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,738

but a freak washing-machine accident

00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:44,908

at the age of 12 made him learn

the ways of the black arts.

00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,159

That's right, Seaman.

00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:47,536

[Laughter]

00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,037

Sea Man!

00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,705

Uh, that's what I said --

Seaman.

00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,165

[Laughter]

00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,375

Stop it!

00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,380

[Whispering] Cartman!

00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,382

Cartman, wake up.

Cartman.

00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,092

No, Paula Poundstone,

leave me alone!

00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,469

- Aah! Uh...

- It's just me.

00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,097

Brother Kyle.

Why do you disturb my rest?

00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,432

Dude. I don't think I want to

be part of this anymore.

00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,058

What?

00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,560

I think Stan might've been right.

00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,186

Anyway, I think

it's going too far.

00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:16,356

I mean, if I kill myself, it's

gonna make my family really sad.

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,401

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I don't want to die either.

00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,986

I haven't even

gotten my pubes yet.

00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,904

I think we should bail.

00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:23,905

If we leave the group,

00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,782

maybe other people will get

the courage to leave, too.

00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,702

That cou-- That could be

difficult, Brother Kyle.

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,246

But all right, listen --

Why don't we sleep on it?

00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,539

If we decide

to leave the faction,

00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:33,790

we can do it in the morning.

00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,293

Okay.

Okay, you're right.

00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,503

Oh, Cartman?

Thanks.

00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,052

Cartman?

00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:47,387

[ Thud ]

00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,222

[ Knocks ]

What the hell?

00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,768

[Singsong] I told on you!

00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,228

I told on you!

00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,688

What have you done, Cartman?!

00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,565

This is for your own good,

Brother Kyle.

00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,859

You must understand,

brother Kyle...twah.

00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,527

You know too much

about the church.

00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,155

If you left now, you'd become

a danger to our cause.

00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,157

And you know

what else Kyle said?

00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,658

Um, Kyle,

00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,577

he said that if we were

all gonna commit suicide,

00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,454

that he wouldn't do it.

00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:13,872

Cartman, you fat-ass tattletale!

00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,790

At least I'm not the boy

in the plastic bubble.

00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,667

The suicide pact

will go as planned.

00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,420

If we die, we all die together.

00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:27,052

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the

Hall of Super Best Friends...

00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,345

Look at that, Jesus.

00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,430

His followers are growing

at a rate even faster than mine.

00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,390

It appears this David Blaine

is as dangerous

00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,267

as you and your young friend

had feared.

00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,101

I knew it!

00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,354

Here, I have a videotape of his

performance the other night.

00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,356

Perhaps we should have

Moses look at the tape

00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,690

and see what he comes up with.

00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,067

Moses, scan this tape.

00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,985

Can you tell us the source

of Blaine's power?

00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,904

Give me the information.

00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,074

Wow! The Moses.

00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,410

His magic is a combination

of centrifugal line

00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:53,870

and sleight of hand.

00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,121

Wait a minute.

00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,581

I'm picking up movement

00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,708

from Blaintologists

all over the country.

00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,544

The Blaintologists

are heading to Washington.

00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,380

- But why?

- Wait a minute.

00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,548

At his performance, David Blaine

said something about

00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,384

trying to get

tax-exempt status.

00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,426

- Oh, my God!

- What?

00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,387

If he gets tax-exempt status,

00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,097

then he'll become a real religion.

00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,808

He would become unstoppable.

00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,268

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile,

in the Nation's Capitol,

00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,312

Blaintologists from

all over the country

00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,898

have gathered

to commit mass suicide!

00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,901

If the government will not

give us tax-exempt status,

00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,278

then we must prove

that we are willing to die

00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:28,738

for our beliefs...twah.

00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,740

All right, brothers and sisters,

gather around.

00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,576

It's time to drown ourselves

in the reflecting pool.

00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,954

However, the reflecting pool

is a little more shallow

00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,581

than we originally thought,

so to drown ourselves,

00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,959

you will need to

lie on your stomach facedown

00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,670

until you die, as such.

00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:46,589

[Gurgling]

00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:48,466

[Gurgling stops]

00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,343

Next!

00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,637

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile,

at the White House...

00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,931

Mr. President, we can't let them

all kill themselves.

00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,475

Well, we can't give them

tax-exempt status either, Karl!

00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,394

Hey, George!

What's going on?

00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,813

All right, Brother Kyle,

it is time for us to die!

00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,274

Cartman! We've been brainwashed,

don't you see?

00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,483

We don't have to do this!

00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:06,943

But it's the only way

for us to be happy.

00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,194

Cartman, no!

00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:16,077

Give us what we want or we will

continue to die...twah.

00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,662

Not so fast, David Blaine.

00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,205

Jesus! Not again.

00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,916

Yes! But this time,

I've brought some help.

00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,168

Super Best Friends, ho!

00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,252

- Buddha!

- Muhammad!

00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,086

- Joseph Smith!

- Krishna!

00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,087

- Lao-tzu!

- Sea Man!

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,174

The mass suicide is over,

Blaine, and so are you!

00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,967

I don't think so.

Get them!

00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:32,927

[Screaming]

00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,930

My ice breath

should take care of you.

00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,974

Kyle! Kyle!

00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,768

Sweet salvation!

00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,313

Kyle?

00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:49,360

[Gasps] Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,321

You bastards!

00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,405

Kyle?

00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,074

Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,367

You bastards!

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,036

Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:01,081

- That takes care of them.

- Now it's your turn, Blaine!

00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,750

Perhaps you need to see

some real magic.

00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,840

Raaargh!

00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:11,966

Oh, this looks like trouble.

00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,344

So long, Super Best Fools!

00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:15,220

- Kyle!

- Stan!

00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,806

- Kyle, you can't kill yourself!

- I don't want to kill myself!

00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,557

They rigged this thing

to fill with water!

00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:20,850

[Thudding]

00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,813

We've got to stop

that oversized Abraham Lincoln!

00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,980

Muhammad!

00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,733

- Aargh!

- Aah!

00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:29,776

Great Scott!

00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,528

[Gasping]

00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,987

Okay, try again.

00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:33,988

Hyup!

00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:37,325

[Indistinct shouting

and screaming]

00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,785

It is too powerful, Jesus!

00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,121

It seems to have no weakness.

00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,789

There has to be a way

to destroy it.

00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:43,957

Jesus to Moses!

00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,127

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the

Super Best Friends League...

00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,087

- Come in, Moses!

- What?

00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,048

We need to know how to kill

a giant, stone Abraham Lincoln.

00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,051

Um...

00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,762

Let me, um...

00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:01,099

A giant, stone

John Wilkes Booth?

00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,019

You heard him,

Super Best Friends!

00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,897

We've got to make a giant,

stone John Wilkes Booth!

00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:10,150

Krishna, we're going

to need wood for a mold!

00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,318

Form of -- a beaver!

00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,782

I will find sources of concrete.

00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,617

You, get the water

to mix it with, Seaman.

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,035

[Laughter]

00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,997

ANNOUNCER: Using the wood that

Krishna cut down as a beaver,

00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,249

Jesus uses

his master carpentry skills

00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,750

to make a giant mold.

00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,378

That should do the trick.

Now for some concrete.

00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,755

ANNOUNCER:

Meanwhile, in the ocean depths,

00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,717

Seaman seeks out water

to mix with the concrete.

00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:36,926

Sea Man!

00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,512

Look, Swallow, we should be able

to divert the water

00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:40,513

with that pipe.

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,932

ANNOUNCER:

And so Seaman and Swallow

00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,559

get to -- get to work, heh.

00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,811

Kyle, you have to

hold your breath!

00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,480

[ People screaming ]

00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:54,652

Oh, very funny.

00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:00,950

Lao-tzu, bring it to life.

00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:03,036

ANNOUNCER:

Using his power of Taoism,

00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,956

Lao-tzu becomes one with the

giant, stone John Wilkes Booth.

00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:11,044

Barp!

00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,339

Ah!

00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:15,173

It worked.

00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,634

Now freeze over the pool so no

one else can drown themselves!

00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,845

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:23,264

Hey, I was just about to do it!

00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,059

ANNOUNCER: Later,

at the exact same location...

00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,936

Damn you, Super Best Friends!

00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,939

Your magic is no match for

our powers combined, Blaine!

00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,900

Then I guess you win this time,

Super Best Fools!

00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,235

But I'll be back!

00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,486

Twaah.

00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,488

God damn it!

00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:41,407

It's all right.

Everything is as it should be.

00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:42,533

Oh, shut up, Buddha.

00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,079

Our leader, he's --

he's leaving us.

00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,164

Don't leave us, David Blaine!

00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,624

Listen up, everyone.

00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,668

You don't need David Blaine

to tell you how to live.

00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,212

You see, cults are dangerous

because they promise you hope,

00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,047

happiness,

and maybe even an afterlife.

00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,757

But in return,

they demand you pay money.

00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,467

Any religion that

requires you to pay money

00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,178

in order to move up

and learn its tenets is wrong.

00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,097

You see, all religions have

something valuable to teach,

00:21:04,222 --> 00:21:06,432

but just like

the Super Best Friends learned,

00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:09,185

it requires

a little bit of them all.

00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,438

He's right.

He -- He's right!

00:21:12,563 --> 00:21:15,275

Thanks for saving me, Stan.

You're my Super Best Friend.

00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,859

Your my Super Best Friend, too,

Kyle.

00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,695

Oh, that's so sweet, you guys.

00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,780

You want to go get a room

so you can make out for a while?

00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:21,614

[Laughs]

00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:23,241

Ow!

Jesus! What was that for?!

00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,410

[Stan and Kyle laughing]

Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow!

00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:27,829

Well, it looks like

everything worked out.

00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,416

ANNOUNCER: And so Jesus and his

companions leave Washington.

00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,167

But their return is assured,

00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,044

for there will

always be a need for

00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:37,547

the Super Best Friends!