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Суперлучшие друзья
Super Best Friends
Сезон: 05Серия: 03
Описание
В Южном Парке начинает действовать опасный культ. Стэн, Иисус и его товарищи — команда супергероев должны спасти сторонников секты.
Субтитры
- 00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:12,138 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,599 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:18,936 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,813 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,440 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,693 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:29,030 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
- 00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:32,450 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,581 Okay, Carol, put the card you picked back into the deck
- 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,583 so I can't see it...twah.
- 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:41,417 What's going on?
- 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,836 This feller David Blaine. He's doing magic tricks.
- 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,254 Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?
- 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,423 Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd.
- 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,467 Was that the card you picked? - No, I'm sorry.
- 00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:50,926 I picked the four of hearts.
- 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,054 Four of hearts? Really? Look again.
- 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,430 Aah!
- 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,723 Ohhh! - Whoa!
- 00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,641 That's pretty cool, dude! - Who's this asshole?
- 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,185 He's a magician named David Blaine, dude.
- 00:00:59,310 --> 00:00:59,977 He kicks ass.
- 00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,145 Where'd you guys get that ice cream?
- 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,813 Sir, c-could you come over here?
- 00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:04,648 Now, what I want you to do, Mister...?
- 00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,483 Kern.
- 00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:08,152 Mr. Kern, I want you to just think about a card.
- 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,821 Pick any card, and picture it in your mind.
- 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:11,739 Okay.
- 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:15,117 Okay, just -- just think about your card.
- 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,787 Okay, look at me.
- 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,038 Look at me.
- 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,499 Look at me.
- 00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:22,958 Okay, now reach up your ass.
- 00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:25,795 - Huh?! - Go on, reach up your ass.
- 00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:28,422 I don't feel nothing.
- 00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:29,799 Deeper.
- 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,342 I don't feel -- I don--
- 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,469 Wait. Wait!
- 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,012 Was that the card you picked?
- 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597 Yes! Oh, my God!
- 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:37,723 - Oh ho! - Mm!
- 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,683 - Wow, that's cool! - How'd he do that?
- 00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:40,309 Thank you.
- 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,020 I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while.
- 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,355 I've started quite a following,
- 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,733 mostly because of my levitation trick...twah.
- 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,486 Watch. Watch.
- 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,533 - Whoa! - No way!
- 00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:57,952 Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in the universe!
- 00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,203 Pamphlet. Pamphlet.
- 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,080 Here you go, kids. Take a pamphlet.
- 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,373 "David Blaine Workshop.
- 00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,917 Learn all about David Blaine at the Center for Magic."
- 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:05,709 Dude, we got to go!
- 00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,795 Yeah, and they probably teach you how to do magic tricks!
- 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,340 Hello, everyone.
- 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,592 My name is Steven, and I've been a Blaintologist
- 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,760 for about three years.
- 00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:17,721 So, when David Blaine performed his miracles out on the street,
- 00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,181 what moved you the most?
- 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,975 His miracles?
- 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:24,436 Oh, yes. You see, David Blaine is much more than a magician.
- 00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:27,106 He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader.
- 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,315 When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
- 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:28,941 Yeah!
- 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,651 Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn --
- 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:33,654 I can show you how to make your true self appear.
- 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:34,989 Let me ask you all something --
- 00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:37,825 Do you consider yourselves to be happy?
- 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,411 I don't think I'm very happy.
- 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:43,664 I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
- 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:47,084 Right, y-you see, the reason that you are unha--
- 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,627 And then I always get woken up in the morning
- 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,087 by the sound of my own screams.
- 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,297 Do you think I'm unhappy?
- 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:54,884 Well, the -- the point is that you <i>can</i> be happy.
- 00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,094 You see, your friends and parents have programmed you
- 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,638 in a way that makes you feel isolated and alone.
- 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:04,268 How many times have you felt like nobody knows the <i>real</i> you?
- 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:05,936 You're not really happy.
- 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,396 <i>I'm not really happy.</i>
- 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,481 Your potential hasn't even been reached.
- 00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,483 <i>My retential hasn't even been reached.</i>
- 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,235 If you look through David Blaine's incredible book,
- 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,987 you'll find a lot of life's answers.
- 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,780 Let's read some of the book together, shall we?
- 00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,782 Then we get to be in David Blaine's secret club?
- 00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:20,534 - That's right. - Cool!
- 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,038 Ike, eat your gefilte fish.
- 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,539 - No. - Mom! Mom!
- 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,000 I found out all about this great new magician named David Blaine.
- 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,919 That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!
- 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,503 We spent all afternoon learning about
- 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:32,880 how we aren't actually happy.
- 00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,049 I had no idea how unhappy I was until today.
- 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,300 They gave me this cool book to read,
- 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,635 and I'm already on chapter four.
- 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,803 Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, Kyle.
- 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:41,972 Ike, for the love of Abraham, you are gonna eat this!
- 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,307 So can I go to the magic camp
- 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,725 to learn how to become a full member?
- 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,269 All the other guys are doing it, and it's only $69.95.
- 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,520 Magic camp?
- 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,481 I don't know, boubbie. Ask your father.
- 00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,774 Ike, you will eat this!
- 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:58,030 Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you.
- 00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,990 I am prepared!
- 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,994 Ah, geez, it sure got cold in here.
- 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,496 Next!
- 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957 Congratulations, young Blaintologists.
- 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,042 From this day, you are clean.
- 00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,544 Now, we have very important work to do!
- 00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,964 David Blaine is going to put on a big magic show
- 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:19,468 in Denver tomorrow night, where he's going to eat his own head.
- 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,302 Wow!
- 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,429 So it's up to all you new Blaintologists
- 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,348 to get as many people there as you can.
- 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,142 Whoever gets the most people to come gets a prize!
- 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,354 Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
- 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,731 I'm not Kyle. I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
- 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,650 - No, I'm Stan. - You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
- 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,026 - Who are you? - I'm Kyle.
- 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,237 Heh heh. Guess who I am, you guys.
- 00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,239 Kyle, I think we may have gotten into something bad here.
- 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,116 What do you mean? We're learning all kinds of cool stuff.
- 00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,535 Look at us, dude. These people are trying to change us somehow.
- 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,786 I think it's time we went home.
- 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,038 But David Blaine's gonna do more miracles in Denver tomorrow.
- 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,456 I don't care! I'm leaving!
- 00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:53,711 Excuse me.
- 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,921 - Where are you going? - I'm going home.
- 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,506 You don't want to go home.
- 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,258 You said we're free to leave whenever we want.
- 00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:01,176 - You are. - Then move out of the way.
- 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,595 I'm not in your way. You are.
- 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,723 Are you unhappy with the church's teachings?
- 00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,266 Let's just talk about it.
- 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,560 I don't want to talk about it. I just want to leave.
- 00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,730 Why don't we go into the back room for a second and talk?
- 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,897 Then you can leave.
- 00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:15,566 That's okay. I-I changed my mind.
- 00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:16,692 I'm gonna stay.
- 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,402 That's great news.
- 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:22,948 Okay, it's all clear.
- 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,533 - What are we doing? - We're getting out of here.
- 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,076 This whole thing has gotten way out of hand.
- 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,661 Whoa, whoa, I'm not going anywhere.
- 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,247 - Come on, Kyle, this is stupid! - It's not stupid, Stan.
- 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:32,374 For once in my life, I feel like I'm part of something.
- 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,835 A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's crazy life plan?
- 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,212 Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's a brilliant man.
- 00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,797 No, they've just convinced you that he's a brilliant man.
- 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:40,257 - Let's go! - I'm not going anywhere!
- 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,384 God damn it, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here!
- 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,719 Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
- 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,304 - Oh, wait, who am I again? - You're Stan.
- 00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:48,432 Oh, oh, yeah. God-- God damn it, hold on a second.
- 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,975 Okay. Now, look, dude, I'm getting out of here,
- 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,560 and you're a dumbass if you don't come with me.
- 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,312 Then I guess I'm a dumbass.
- 00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:57,941 Kyle, please.
- 00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,611 You're -- You're my best friend.
- 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,906 Well, this is what I believe in now, Stan.
- 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,949 And if you can't respect that,
- 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,243 then I guess we're not best friends anymore.
- 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,508 Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this is Cartman.
- 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,718 We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you.
- 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:28,097 Uh-oh. My husband warned me about you Blainiacs.
- 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,015 I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.
- 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,976 Uh, it doesn't matter, ma'am. Blaintology is for everyone.
- 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,937 There are Blaintologists who are Catholics, Buddhists.
- 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,647 Why, even Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew.
- 00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:37,773 That's right.
- 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,525 So you're not a cult?
- 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,151 A cult? No.
- 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,986 David Blaine is a real person.
- 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,155 You may have seen his television specials on ABC.
- 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,616 He also wrote a book, and we'd like to share it with you.
- 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,368 Well, all right. Come on in.
- 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:50,411 Cool.
- 00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,204 And if you look here, you can see how David Blaine
- 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,623 performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at Times Square.
- 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,749 Ma'am, have you ever wondered
- 00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,668 what David Blaine's plan is for you?
- 00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:58,794 No, not really.
- 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,504 Oh, see, that -- that's interesting because
- 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,089 I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book,
- 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,882 and I'm so thankful that he showed me
- 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,092 the way to true happiness,
- 00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:06,760 but I think about his plan often.
- 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,137 David Blaine is doing a big performance
- 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,263 in Denver tomorrow night.
- 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,181 We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you!
- 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,474 He's going to eat his own head.
- 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,143 How many tickets can we put you down for?
- 00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:15,352 Oh, I can't go.
- 00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,187 Oh, come on. It'll make you a happy person.
- 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,897 - I am happy. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,315 - Yes, I am. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,692 - I really am. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,026 - But I am. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:24,653 - All right, two tickets. - Great!
- 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,196 That's 15 people we got to agree
- 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,115 to come see David Blaine perform in Denver!
- 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,741 Yes, Brother Kyle, but our work is not over.
- 00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,326 We must still recruit 10 more audience members
- 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,494 in order to get the prize.
- 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,080 I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, we might find a...
- 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,543 Come, Brother Kyle. We have no time for him.
- 00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:54,558 Aaah!
- 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,561 You'd better watch yourself next time, abandoner!
- 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,983 - Hi, Jesus. It's me, Stan Marsh. - Stan Marsh.
- 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,152 Of course, I know you, my child. Come in.
- 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,278 This guy is going around doing magic tricks
- 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,488 and saying they're miracles.
- 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,031 My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!
- 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,949 You are good to bring this to my attention, Stan.
- 00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,951 Cults are a very dangerous thing.
- 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,245 I read in the Bible that you performed miracles too.
- 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,497 If you could go in front of these people
- 00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:17,748 and do your miracles, then they'll all see
- 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,291 that David Blaine isn't so special.
- 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,294 The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.
- 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,087 - Can you do it again? - Very well.
- 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:25,714 I shall perform the miracle.
- 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,134 Behold! Here you can see ordinary water -- clear, clean.
- 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,053 Okay, now turn around.
- 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,597 Uh, n-- tur-- turn around.
- 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,601 O-Okay, now turn back.
- 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,562 It is now wine!
- 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,440 That's it? That's how you did that trick?
- 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:44,441 W-Well, yeah.
- 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,735 That trick sucks, Jesus.
- 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,862 Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little better on people
- 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:49,988 2,000 years ago.
- 00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:50,864 Dude, we have to do something.
- 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,783 This guy is performing more miracles in Denver tonight.
- 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:53,867 He's gonna get more followers,
- 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,327 and it will be impossible for me to get Kyle out.
- 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,328 Then let's go!
- 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:57,579 But, dude, I'd I don't think you should do
- 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,455 that lame water-to-wine trick.
- 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,917 Oh, don't worry. I have a few more miracles up my sleeve.
- 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,963 This is a really good turnout.
- 00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:10,133 And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine!
- 00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,177 Hello, my children...twah.
- 00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,846 Ladies and Gentlemen, may we have silence, please,
- 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:18,517 as magician David Blaine will now eat his own head.
- 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:31,947 Dude, no way!
- 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,871 Thank you, everyone...twah.
- 00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,332 Our organization grows larger every day.
- 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,167 Soon the government will even have to give us
- 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,920 tax-exempt status as a bona fide religion.
- 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:47,754 Hold!
- 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,923 - It's Jesus! - Is that Jesus?
- 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:50,924 What's he doing here?
- 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,552 My children, it is time for you to go home
- 00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,846 and stop following this false prophet.
- 00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,390 You should be using your money and time for other things.
- 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,267 These are simple magic tricks.
- 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:03,270 His magic is interesting, but will it put food on your table?
- 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,773 Feeding the hungry, now that is a miracle!
- 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,444 Behold. I have here fives loaves of bread and three fish.
- 00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:12,529 Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd,
- 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,823 but now -- turn around.
- 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:17,993 You need to turn around.
- 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,166 Okay, now turn back.
- 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,338 Now, how the hell did he do that?
- 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,593 - Wow! - Wow!
- 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,220 Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus...twah.
- 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,473 - Just like you are. - Oh, really?
- 00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:42,267 Then what's this ace of spades doing behind your ear?
- 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,852 - Whoa. - Nice. Ooh!
- 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,480 - Whoa! - Wow!
- 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,155 Jesus Christ!
- 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,698 He's incredible!
- 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,950 The old religions have failed you...twah.
- 00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:02,704 What have they offered except for war, poverty, and sadness?
- 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,373 Blaintology offers you the key
- 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,583 to living your life to the fullest!
- 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,876 Will you join us?
- 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,169 Yes!
- 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,129 His magic is too powerful, Stanley.
- 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,589 I've never seen anything like it.
- 00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,925 Then what are we gonna do? - I cannot face him alone.
- 00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,594 We must get the help of all the Super Best Friends.
- 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,054 Buddha -- Buddha, come in!
- 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,305 "Super Best Friends"?
- 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,890 <i>This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead.</i>
- 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,475 <i>Buddha, we may have a problem.</i>
- 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,811 <i>I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before.</i>
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,270 I'll call everyone together.
- 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,438 <i>Come as fast as you can.</i>
- 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,274 Come, Stanley. We must travel far and long.
- 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,277 To where? - Distances unfathomable to man.
- 00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,613 Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley,
- 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,198 and do not open your eyes.
- 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,074 I am ready.
- 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,160 Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
- 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,329 Yeah. - Good. You want some peanuts?
- 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:48,583 Congratulations, sister.
- 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,752 You have heard the noble truth and are now a Blaintologist.
- 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,629 Everyone! Everyone, gather around!
- 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,048 I have great news for all Blaintologists
- 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:56,466 and for our new members, as well.
- 00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:59,261 We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself.
- 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,805 The government has denied our church's request
- 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,348 for tax-exempt status!
- 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,767 But we want tax-exempt status.
- 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,352 Yeah, why is that good news?
- 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:11,398 Because Mr. Blaine has arranged for all Blaintologist members
- 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,276 from every city and state to march into Washington
- 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,028 and demand our right for tax-exempt status
- 00:12:17,154 --> 00:12:19,614 by committing a mass suicide!
- 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,782 Mass suicide?
- 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,493 Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in Washington,
- 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:27,205 we are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife!
- 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,043 Get your things ready. We leave for Washington at dawn!
- 00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:35,756 Did you hear that, guys? We're finally gonna die!
- 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:43,096 All right, Stanley. You can open your eyes now.
- 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,557 This is the Hall of the Super Best Friends, Stanley.
- 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,018 The headquarters for those who stand for what's right.
- 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:53,356 Jesus! We've been working hard since we got your distress call.
- 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,524 Who the kid?
- 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,569 Stanley, I want you to meet some of the Super Best Friends.
- 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,946 Buddha, with the powers of invisibility.
- 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,783 Muhammad, the Muslim prophet with the powers of flame.
- 00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,409 Krishna, the Hindu deity.
- 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,119 Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet.
- 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,662 Lao-tzu, the found of Taoism.
- 00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,081 And Sea Man, with the ability to breathe underwater
- 00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,708 and link mentally with fish.
- 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,710 So you mean to tell me that even though people fight
- 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,629 and argue over different religions,
- 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589 you guys are all actually friends?
- 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,049 More than friends, young boy.
- 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,801 We are Super Best Friends
- 00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,761 with the desire to fight for justice.
- 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,388 We all believe in the power of good over evil.
- 00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,473 Except for Buddha, of course,
- 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,891 who doesn't really believe in evil.
- 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:29,810 Wow.
- 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,853 Jesus! Come look at this.
- 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,648 After your distress call, we entered David Blaine
- 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,107 into the Super Best Friends computer.
- 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,901 Many interesting things showed up.
- 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,111 He was raised in New York City by a decent family
- 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,738 but a freak washing-machine accident
- 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:44,908 at the age of 12 made him learn the ways of the black arts.
- 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,159 That's right, Seaman.
- 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,037 Sea Man!
- 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,705 Uh, that's what I said -- Seaman.
- 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,375 Stop it!
- 00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,380 Cartman!
- 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,382 Cartman, wake up. Cartman.
- 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,092 No, Paula Poundstone, leave me alone!
- 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,469 - Aah! Uh... - It's just me.
- 00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,097 Brother Kyle. Why do you disturb my rest?
- 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,432 Dude. I don't think I want to be part of this anymore.
- 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,058 What?
- 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,560 I think Stan might've been right.
- 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,186 Anyway, I think it's going too far.
- 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:16,356 I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad.
- 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,401 Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't want to die either.
- 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,986 I haven't even gotten my pubes yet.
- 00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,904 I think we should bail.
- 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:23,905 If we leave the group,
- 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,782 maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too.
- 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,702 That cou-- That could be difficult, Brother Kyle.
- 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,246 But all right, listen -- Why don't we sleep on it?
- 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,539 If we decide to leave the faction,
- 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:33,790 we can do it in the morning.
- 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,293 Okay. Okay, you're right.
- 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,503 Oh, Cartman? Thanks.
- 00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,052 Cartman?
- 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,222 What the hell?
- 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,768 I told on you!
- 00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,228 I told on you!
- 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,688 What have you done, Cartman?!
- 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,565 This is for your own good, Brother Kyle.
- 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,859 You must understand, brother Kyle...twah.
- 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,527 You know too much about the church.
- 00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,155 If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause.
- 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,157 And you know what else Kyle said?
- 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,658 Um, Kyle,
- 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,577 he said that if we were all gonna commit suicide,
- 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,454 that he wouldn't do it.
- 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:13,872 Cartman, you fat-ass tattletale!
- 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,790 At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble.
- 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,667 The suicide pact will go as planned.
- 00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,420 If we die, we all die together.
- 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:27,052 Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best Friends...
- 00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,345 Look at that, Jesus.
- 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,430 His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine.
- 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,390 It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous
- 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,267 as you and your young friend had feared.
- 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,101 I knew it!
- 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,354 Here, I have a videotape of his performance the other night.
- 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,356 Perhaps we should have Moses look at the tape
- 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,690 and see what he comes up with.
- 00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,067 Moses, scan this tape.
- 00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,985 Can you tell us the source of Blaine's power?
- 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,904 Give me the information.
- 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,074 Wow! <i>The</i> Moses.
- 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,410 His magic is a combination of centrifugal line
- 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:53,870 and sleight of hand.
- 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,121 Wait a minute.
- 00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,581 I'm picking up movement
- 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,708 from Blaintologists all over the country.
- 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,544 The Blaintologists are heading to Washington.
- 00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,380 - But why? - Wait a minute.
- 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,548 At his performance, David Blaine said something about
- 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,384 trying to get tax-exempt status.
- 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,426 - Oh, my God! - What?
- 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,387 If he gets tax-exempt status,
- 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,097 then he'll become a real religion.
- 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,808 He would become unstoppable.
- 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,268 Meanwhile, in the Nation's Capitol,
- 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,312 Blaintologists from all over the country
- 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,898 have gathered to commit mass suicide!
- 00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,901 If the government will not give us tax-exempt status,
- 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,278 then we must prove that we are willing to die
- 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:28,738 for our beliefs...twah.
- 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,740 All right, brothers and sisters, gather around.
- 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,576 It's time to drown ourselves in the reflecting pool.
- 00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,954 However, the reflecting pool is a little more shallow
- 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,581 than we originally thought, so to drown ourselves,
- 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,959 you will need to lie on your stomach facedown
- 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,670 until you die, as such.
- 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,343 Next!
- 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,637 Meanwhile, at the White House...
- 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,931 Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves.
- 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,475 Well, we can't give them tax-exempt status either, Karl!
- 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,394 Hey, George! What's going on?
- 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,813 All right, Brother Kyle, it is time for us to die!
- 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,274 Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't you see?
- 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,483 We don't have to do this!
- 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:06,943 But it's the only way for us to be happy.
- 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,194 Cartman, no!
- 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:16,077 Give us what we want or we will continue to die...twah.
- 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,662 Not so fast, David Blaine.
- 00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,205 Jesus! Not again.
- 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,916 Yes! But this time, I've brought some help.
- 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,168 Super Best Friends, ho!
- 00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,252 - Buddha! - Muhammad!
- 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,086 - Joseph Smith! - Krishna!
- 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,087 - Lao-tzu! - Sea Man!
- 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,174 The mass suicide is over, Blaine, and so are you!
- 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,967 I don't think so. Get them!
- 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,930 My ice breath should take care of you.
- 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,974 Kyle! Kyle!
- 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,768 Sweet salvation!
- 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,313 Kyle?
- 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:49,360 Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,321 You bastards!
- 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,405 Kyle?
- 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,074 Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,367 You bastards!
- 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,036 Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:01,081 - That takes care of them. - Now it's your turn, Blaine!
- 00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,750 Perhaps you need to see some real magic.
- 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,840 Raaargh!
- 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:11,966 Oh, this looks like trouble.
- 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,344 So long, Super Best <i>Fools</i>!
- 00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:15,220 - Kyle! - Stan!
- 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,806 - Kyle, you can't kill yourself! - I don't want to kill myself!
- 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,557 They rigged this thing to fill with water!
- 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,813 We've got to stop that oversized Abraham Lincoln!
- 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,980 Muhammad!
- 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,733 - Aargh! - Aah!
- 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:29,776 Great Scott!
- 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,987 Okay, try again.
- 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:33,988 Hyup!
- 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,785 It is too powerful, Jesus!
- 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,121 It seems to have no weakness.
- 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,789 There has to be a way to destroy it.
- 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:43,957 Jesus to Moses!
- 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,127 Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends League...
- 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,087 <i>- Come in, Moses!</i> - What?
- 00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,048 <i>We need to know how to kill a giant, stone Abraham Lincoln.</i>
- 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,051 Um...
- 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,762 Let me, um...
- 00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:01,099 A giant, stone John Wilkes Booth?
- 00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,019 You heard him, Super Best Friends!
- 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,897 We've got to make a giant, stone John Wilkes Booth!
- 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:10,150 Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold!
- 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,318 Form of -- a beaver!
- 00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,782 I will find sources of concrete.
- 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,617 You, get the water to mix it with, Seaman.
- 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,997 Using the wood that Krishna cut down as a beaver,
- 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,249 Jesus uses his master carpentry skills
- 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,750 to make a giant mold.
- 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,378 That should do the trick. Now for some concrete.
- 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,755 Meanwhile, in the ocean depths,
- 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,717 Seaman seeks out water to mix with the concrete.
- 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:36,926 Sea Man!
- 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,512 Look, Swallow, we should be able to divert the water
- 00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:40,513 with that pipe.
- 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,932 And so Seaman and Swallow
- 00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,559 get to -- get to work, heh.
- 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,811 Kyle, you have to hold your breath!
- 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:54,652 Oh, very funny.
- 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:00,950 Lao-tzu, bring it to life.
- 00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:03,036 Using his power of Taoism,
- 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,956 Lao-tzu becomes one with the giant, stone John Wilkes Booth.
- 00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:11,044 Barp!
- 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,339 Ah!
- 00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:15,173 It worked.
- 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,634 Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves!
- 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,845 - Whoa! - Whoa!
- 00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:23,264 Hey, I was just about to do it!
- 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,059 Later, at the exact same location...
- 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,936 Damn you, Super Best Friends!
- 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,939 Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine!
- 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,900 Then I guess you win this time, Super Best <i>Fools</i>!
- 00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,235 But I'll be back!
- 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,486 Twaah.
- 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,488 God damn it!
- 00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:41,407 It's all right. Everything is as it should be.
- 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:42,533 Oh, shut up, Buddha.
- 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,079 Our leader, he's -- he's leaving us.
- 00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,164 Don't leave us, David Blaine!
- 00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,624 Listen up, everyone.
- 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,668 You don't need David Blaine to tell you how to live.
- 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,212 You see, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope,
- 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,047 happiness, and maybe even an afterlife.
- 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,757 But in return, they demand you pay money.
- 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,467 Any religion that requires you to pay money
- 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,178 in order to move up and learn its tenets is wrong.
- 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,097 You see, all religions have something valuable to teach,
- 00:21:04,222 --> 00:21:06,432 but just like the Super Best Friends learned,
- 00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:09,185 it requires a little bit of them all.
- 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,438 He's right. He -- He's right!
- 00:21:12,563 --> 00:21:15,275 Thanks for saving me, Stan. You're <i>my</i> Super Best Friend.
- 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,859 Your my Super Best Friend, too, Kyle.
- 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,695 Oh, that's so sweet, you guys.
- 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,780 You want to go get a room so you can make out for a while?
- 00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:23,241 Ow! Jesus! What was that for?!
- 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,410 Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow!
- 00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:27,829 Well, it looks like everything worked out.
- 00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,416 And so Jesus and his companions leave Washington.
- 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,167 But their return is assured,
- 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,044 for there will always be a need for
- 00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:37,547 the Super Best Friends!
- 00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:12,138 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,599 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:18,936 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,813 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:22,440 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
- 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,693 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:29,030 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
- 00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:32,450 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:38,581 Okay, Carol, put the card you picked back into the deck
- 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,583 so I can't see it...twah.
- 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:41,417 What's going on?
- 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,836 This feller David Blaine. He's doing magic tricks.
- 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,254 Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?
- 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,423 Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd.
- 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,467 Was that the card you picked? - No, I'm sorry.
- 00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:50,926 I picked the four of hearts.
- 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,054 Four of hearts? Really? Look again.
- 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,430 Aah!
- 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,723 Ohhh! - Whoa!
- 00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,641 That's pretty cool, dude! - Who's this asshole?
- 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,185 He's a magician named David Blaine, dude.
- 00:00:59,310 --> 00:00:59,977 He kicks ass.
- 00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,145 Where'd you guys get that ice cream?
- 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,813 Sir, c-could you come over here?
- 00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:04,648 Now, what I want you to do, Mister...?
- 00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,483 Kern.
- 00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:08,152 Mr. Kern, I want you to just think about a card.
- 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,821 Pick any card, and picture it in your mind.
- 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:11,739 Okay.
- 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:15,117 Okay, just -- just think about your card.
- 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,787 Okay, look at me.
- 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,038 Look at me.
- 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,499 Look at me.
- 00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:22,958 Okay, now reach up your ass.
- 00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:25,795 - Huh?! - Go on, reach up your ass.
- 00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:28,422 I don't feel nothing.
- 00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:29,799 - Deeper. - [ Grunts ]
- 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,342 I don't feel -- I don--
- 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,469 Wait. Wait!
- 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,012 Was that the card you picked?
- 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597 Yes! Oh, my God!
- 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:37,723 - Oh ho! - Mm!
- 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,683 - Wow, that's cool! - How'd he do that?
- 00:01:39,809 --> 00:01:40,309 Thank you.
- 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,020 I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while.
- 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,355 I've started quite a following,
- 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,733 mostly because of my levitation trick...twah.
- 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,486 Watch. Watch.
- 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,533 - Whoa! - No way!
- 00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:57,952 Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in the universe!
- 00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,203 Pamphlet. Pamphlet.
- 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,080 Here you go, kids. Take a pamphlet.
- 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,373 "David Blaine Workshop.
- 00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:04,917 Learn all about David Blaine at the Center for Magic."
- 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:05,709 Dude, we got to go!
- 00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,795 Yeah, and they probably teach you how to do magic tricks!
- 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,340 Hello, everyone.
- 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,592 My name is Steven, and I've been a Blaintologist
- 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,760 for about three years.
- 00:02:14,885 --> 00:02:17,721 So, when David Blaine performed his miracles out on the street,
- 00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:19,181 what moved you the most?
- 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,975 His miracles?
- 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:24,436 Oh, yes. You see, David Blaine is much more than a magician.
- 00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:27,106 He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader.
- 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,315 When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
- 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:28,941 Yeah!
- 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,651 Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn --
- 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:33,654 I can show you how to make your true self appear.
- 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:34,989 Let me ask you all something --
- 00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:37,825 Do you consider yourselves to be happy?
- 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,411 I don't think I'm very happy.
- 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:43,664 I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
- 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:47,084 Right, y-you see, the reason that you are unha--
- 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,627 And then I always get woken up in the morning
- 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,087 by the sound of my own screams.
- 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,297 Do you think I'm unhappy?
- 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:54,884 Well, the -- the point is that you <i>can</i> be happy.
- 00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,094 You see, your friends and parents have programmed you
- 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,638 in a way that makes you feel isolated and alone.
- 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:04,268 How many times have you felt like nobody knows the <i>real</i> you?
- 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:05,936 You're not really happy.
- 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,396 KYLE: <i>I'm not really happy.</i>
- 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,481 Your potential hasn't even been reached.
- 00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,483 <i>My retential hasn't even been reached.</i>
- 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,235 If you look through David Blaine's incredible book,
- 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,987 you'll find a lot of life's answers.
- 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:16,780 Let's read some of the book together, shall we?
- 00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,782 Then we get to be in David Blaine's secret club?
- 00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:20,534 - That's right. - Cool!
- 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,038 Ike, eat your gefilte fish.
- 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,539 - No. - Mom! Mom!
- 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:28,000 I found out all about this great new magician named David Blaine.
- 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,919 That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!
- 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:31,503 We spent all afternoon learning about
- 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:32,880 how we aren't actually happy.
- 00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:35,049 I had no idea how unhappy I was until today.
- 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,300 They gave me this cool book to read,
- 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,635 and I'm already on chapter four.
- 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,803 Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, Kyle.
- 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:41,972 Ike, for the love of Abraham, you are gonna eat this!
- 00:03:42,097 --> 00:03:43,307 So can I go to the magic camp
- 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,725 to learn how to become a full member?
- 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,269 All the other guys are doing it, and it's only $69.95.
- 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,520 Magic camp?
- 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,481 I don't know, boubbie. Ask your father.
- 00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:51,774 Ike, you will eat this!
- 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:58,030 Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you.
- 00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,990 I am prepared!
- 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,325 [Buzzes]
- 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,994 Ah, geez, it sure got cold in here.
- 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,496 Next!
- 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,957 Congratulations, young Blaintologists.
- 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:10,042 From this day, you are clean.
- 00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,544 Now, we have very important work to do!
- 00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,964 David Blaine is going to put on a big magic show
- 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:19,468 in Denver tomorrow night, where he's going to eat his own head.
- 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,302 [All] Wow!
- 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,429 So it's up to all you new Blaintologists
- 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,348 to get as many people there as you can.
- 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:27,142 Whoever gets the most people to come gets a prize!
- 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,354 Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
- 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,731 I'm not Kyle. I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
- 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,650 - No, I'm Stan. - You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
- 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,026 - Who are you? - I'm Kyle.
- 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,237 Heh heh. Guess who I am, you guys.
- 00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,239 Kyle, I think we may have gotten into something bad here.
- 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,116 What do you mean? We're learning all kinds of cool stuff.
- 00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,535 Look at us, dude. These people are trying to change us somehow.
- 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:45,786 I think it's time we went home.
- 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,038 But David Blaine's gonna do more miracles in Denver tomorrow.
- 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,456 I don't care! I'm leaving!
- 00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:53,711 Excuse me.
- 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:55,921 - Where are you going? - I'm going home.
- 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,506 You don't want to go home.
- 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,258 You said we're free to leave whenever we want.
- 00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:01,176 - You are. - Then move out of the way.
- 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,595 I'm not in your way. You are.
- 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,723 Are you unhappy with the church's teachings?
- 00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,266 Let's just talk about it.
- 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,560 I don't want to talk about it. I just want to leave.
- 00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,730 Why don't we go into the back room for a second and talk?
- 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:13,897 Then you can leave.
- 00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:15,566 That's okay. I-I changed my mind.
- 00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:16,692 I'm gonna stay.
- 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,402 That's great news.
- 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:22,948 Okay, it's all clear.
- 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,533 - What are we doing? - We're getting out of here.
- 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,076 This whole thing has gotten way out of hand.
- 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,661 Whoa, whoa, I'm not going anywhere.
- 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,247 - Come on, Kyle, this is stupid! - It's not stupid, Stan.
- 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:32,374 For once in my life, I feel like I'm part of something.
- 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,835 A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's crazy life plan?
- 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,212 Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's a brilliant man.
- 00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,797 No, they've just convinced you that he's a brilliant man.
- 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:40,257 - Let's go! - I'm not going anywhere!
- 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,384 God damn it, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here!
- 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,719 Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
- 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,304 - Oh, wait, who am I again? - You're Stan.
- 00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:48,432 Oh, oh, yeah. God-- God damn it, hold on a second.
- 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:49,975 Okay. Now, look, dude, I'm getting out of here,
- 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,560 and you're a dumbass if you don't come with me.
- 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,312 Then I guess I'm a dumbass.
- 00:05:56,732 --> 00:05:57,941 Kyle, please.
- 00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,611 You're -- You're my best friend.
- 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,906 Well, this is what I believe in now, Stan.
- 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,949 And if you can't respect that,
- 00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,243 then I guess we're not best friends anymore.
- 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,508 Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this is Cartman.
- 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,718 We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you.
- 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:28,097 Uh-oh. My husband warned me about you Blainiacs.
- 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,015 I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.
- 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,976 Uh, it doesn't matter, ma'am. Blaintology is for everyone.
- 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:34,937 There are Blaintologists who are Catholics, Buddhists.
- 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,647 Why, even Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew.
- 00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:37,773 That's right.
- 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,525 So you're not a cult?
- 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,151 [Chuckling] A cult? No.
- 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,986 David Blaine is a real person.
- 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,155 You may have seen his television specials on ABC.
- 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,616 He also wrote a book, and we'd like to share it with you.
- 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,368 Well, all right. Come on in.
- 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:50,411 Cool.
- 00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,204 And if you look here, you can see how David Blaine
- 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,623 performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at Times Square.
- 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,749 Ma'am, have you ever wondered
- 00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,668 what David Blaine's plan is for you?
- 00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:58,794 No, not really.
- 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,504 Oh, see, that -- that's interesting because
- 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,089 I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book,
- 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:03,882 and I'm so thankful that he showed me
- 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,092 the way to true happiness,
- 00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:06,760 but I think about his plan often.
- 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,137 David Blaine is doing a big performance
- 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,263 in Denver tomorrow night.
- 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,181 We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you!
- 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,474 He's going to eat his own head.
- 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,143 How many tickets can we put you down for?
- 00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:15,352 Oh, I can't go.
- 00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,187 Oh, come on. It'll make you a happy person.
- 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,897 - I am happy. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,315 - Yes, I am. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,692 - I really am. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:23,026 - But I am. - No, you're not.
- 00:07:23,152 --> 00:07:24,653 - All right, two tickets. - Great!
- 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,196 That's 15 people we got to agree
- 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,115 to come see David Blaine perform in Denver!
- 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,741 Yes, Brother Kyle, but our work is not over.
- 00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,326 We must still recruit 10 more audience members
- 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,494 in order to get the prize.
- 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,080 I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, we might find a...
- 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,543 Come, Brother Kyle. We have no time for him.
- 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:49,928 [Engine starts]
- 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,472 [Tires screech]
- 00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:54,558 Aaah!
- 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:57,561 You'd better watch yourself next time, abandoner!
- 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,064 [Doorbell rings]
- 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,983 - Hi, Jesus. It's me, Stan Marsh. - Stan Marsh.
- 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,152 Of course, I know you, my child. Come in.
- 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,278 This guy is going around doing magic tricks
- 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,488 and saying they're miracles.
- 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,031 My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!
- 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,949 You are good to bring this to my attention, Stan.
- 00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,951 Cults are a very dangerous thing.
- 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,245 I read in the Bible that you performed miracles too.
- 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,497 If you could go in front of these people
- 00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:17,748 and do your miracles, then they'll all see
- 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,291 that David Blaine isn't so special.
- 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,294 The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.
- 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,087 - Can you do it again? - Very well.
- 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:25,714 I shall perform the miracle.
- 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,134 Behold! Here you can see ordinary water -- clear, clean.
- 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,053 Okay, now turn around.
- 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,597 Uh, n-- tur-- turn around.
- 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,601 O-Okay, now turn back.
- 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,562 It is now wine!
- 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,440 That's it? That's how you did that trick?
- 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:44,441 W-Well, yeah.
- 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,735 That trick sucks, Jesus.
- 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,862 Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little better on people
- 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:49,988 2,000 years ago.
- 00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:50,864 Dude, we have to do something.
- 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,783 This guy is performing more miracles in Denver tonight.
- 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:53,867 He's gonna get more followers,
- 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,327 and it will be impossible for me to get Kyle out.
- 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,328 Then let's go!
- 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:57,579 But, dude, I'd I don't think you should do
- 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,455 that lame water-to-wine trick.
- 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,917 Oh, don't worry. I have a few more miracles up my sleeve.
- 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,963 This is a really good turnout.
- 00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:10,133 And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine!
- 00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,177 Hello, my children...twah.
- 00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,846 Ladies and Gentlemen, may we have silence, please,
- 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:18,517 as magician David Blaine will now eat his own head.
- 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:27,276 [Audience gasping, murmuring ]
- 00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:30,904 [ Cheers and applause ]
- 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:31,947 Dude, no way!
- 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,871 Thank you, everyone...twah.
- 00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,332 Our organization grows larger every day.
- 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,167 Soon the government will even have to give us
- 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:46,920 tax-exempt status as a bona fide religion.
- 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:47,754 Hold!
- 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,923 - It's Jesus! - Is that Jesus?
- 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:50,924 What's he doing here?
- 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,552 My children, it is time for you to go home
- 00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,846 and stop following this false prophet.
- 00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,390 You should be using your money and time for other things.
- 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,267 These are simple magic tricks.
- 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:03,270 His magic is interesting, but will it put food on your table?
- 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,773 Feeding the hungry, now that is a miracle!
- 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,444 Behold. I have here fives loaves of bread and three fish.
- 00:10:10,569 --> 00:10:12,529 Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd,
- 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,823 but now -- turn around.
- 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:17,993 You need to turn around.
- 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,166 Okay, now turn back.
- 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,338 Now, how the hell did he do that?
- 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,593 - Wow! - Wow!
- 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,220 Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus...twah.
- 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:39,473 - Just like you are. - Oh, really?
- 00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:42,267 Then what's this ace of spades doing behind your ear?
- 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,852 - Whoa. - Nice. Ooh!
- 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,480 - Whoa! - Wow!
- 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,945 [Cheers and applause]
- 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,155 Jesus Christ!
- 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,698 He's incredible!
- 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,950 The old religions have failed you...twah.
- 00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:02,704 What have they offered except for war, poverty, and sadness?
- 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,373 Blaintology offers you the key
- 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,583 to living your life to the fullest!
- 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,876 Will you join us?
- 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,169 [All] Yes!
- 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,129 His magic is too powerful, Stanley.
- 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,589 I've never seen anything like it.
- 00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,925 Then what are we gonna do? - I cannot face him alone.
- 00:11:15,050 --> 00:11:17,594 We must get the help of all the Super Best Friends.
- 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,054 Buddha -- Buddha, come in!
- 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,305 "Super Best Friends"?
- 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,890 <i>This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead.</i>
- 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,475 <i>Buddha, we may have a problem.</i>
- 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,811 <i>I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before.</i>
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,270 I'll call everyone together.
- 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,438 <i>Come as fast as you can.</i>
- 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,274 Come, Stanley. We must travel far and long.
- 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,277 To where? - Distances unfathomable to man.
- 00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:36,613 Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley,
- 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,198 and do not open your eyes.
- 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,074 I am ready.
- 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,160 Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
- 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,329 Yeah. - Good. You want some peanuts?
- 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,124 [Indistinct conversations]
- 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:48,583 Congratulations, sister.
- 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,752 You have heard the noble truth and are now a Blaintologist.
- 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,629 Everyone! Everyone, gather around!
- 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,048 I have great news for all Blaintologists
- 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:56,466 and for our new members, as well.
- 00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:59,261 We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself.
- 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,805 The government has denied our church's request
- 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,348 for tax-exempt status!
- 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,767 But we want tax-exempt status.
- 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,352 Yeah, why is that good news?
- 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:11,398 Because Mr. Blaine has arranged for all Blaintologist members
- 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,276 from every city and state to march into Washington
- 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,028 and demand our right for tax-exempt status
- 00:12:17,154 --> 00:12:19,614 by committing a mass suicide!
- 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:20,782 Mass suicide?
- 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,493 Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in Washington,
- 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:27,205 we are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife!
- 00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,790 [Laughter, indistinct talking]
- 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,043 Get your things ready. We leave for Washington at dawn!
- 00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:35,756 Did you hear that, guys? We're finally gonna die!
- 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:43,096 All right, Stanley. You can open your eyes now.
- 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,557 This is the Hall of the Super Best Friends, Stanley.
- 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,018 The headquarters for those who stand for what's right.
- 00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:53,356 Jesus! We've been working hard since we got your distress call.
- 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,524 Who the kid?
- 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,569 Stanley, I want you to meet some of the Super Best Friends.
- 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,946 Buddha, with the powers of invisibility.
- 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,783 Muhammad, the Muslim prophet with the powers of flame.
- 00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,409 Krishna, the Hindu deity.
- 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,119 Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet.
- 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,662 Lao-tzu, the found of Taoism.
- 00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,081 And Sea Man, with the ability to breathe underwater
- 00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,708 and link mentally with fish.
- 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,710 So you mean to tell me that even though people fight
- 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,629 and argue over different religions,
- 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589 you guys are all actually friends?
- 00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,049 More than friends, young boy.
- 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:20,801 We are Super Best Friends
- 00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,761 with the desire to fight for justice.
- 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,388 We all believe in the power of good over evil.
- 00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:26,473 Except for Buddha, of course,
- 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,891 who doesn't really believe in evil.
- 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:29,810 Wow.
- 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,853 Jesus! Come look at this.
- 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,648 After your distress call, we entered David Blaine
- 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,107 into the Super Best Friends computer.
- 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,901 Many interesting things showed up.
- 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,111 He was raised in New York City by a decent family
- 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,738 but a freak washing-machine accident
- 00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:44,908 at the age of 12 made him learn the ways of the black arts.
- 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,159 That's right, Seaman.
- 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:47,536 [Laughter]
- 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,037 Sea Man!
- 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,705 Uh, that's what I said -- Seaman.
- 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,165 [Laughter]
- 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,375 Stop it!
- 00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,380 [Whispering] Cartman!
- 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,382 Cartman, wake up. Cartman.
- 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,092 No, Paula Poundstone, leave me alone!
- 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,469 - Aah! Uh... - It's just me.
- 00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,097 Brother Kyle. Why do you disturb my rest?
- 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,432 Dude. I don't think I want to be part of this anymore.
- 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,058 What?
- 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,560 I think Stan might've been right.
- 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,186 Anyway, I think it's going too far.
- 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:16,356 I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad.
- 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,401 Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't want to die either.
- 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,986 I haven't even gotten my pubes yet.
- 00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:22,904 I think we should bail.
- 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:23,905 If we leave the group,
- 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,782 maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too.
- 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,702 That cou-- That could be difficult, Brother Kyle.
- 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,246 But all right, listen -- Why don't we sleep on it?
- 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,539 If we decide to leave the faction,
- 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:33,790 we can do it in the morning.
- 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,293 Okay. Okay, you're right.
- 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,503 Oh, Cartman? Thanks.
- 00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,052 Cartman?
- 00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:47,387 [ Thud ]
- 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,222 [ Knocks ] What the hell?
- 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,768 [Singsong] I told on you!
- 00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,228 I told on you!
- 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,688 What have you done, Cartman?!
- 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,565 This is for your own good, Brother Kyle.
- 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,859 You must understand, brother Kyle...twah.
- 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,527 You know too much about the church.
- 00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,155 If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause.
- 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,157 And you know what else Kyle said?
- 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,658 Um, Kyle,
- 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,577 he said that if we were all gonna commit suicide,
- 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,454 that he wouldn't do it.
- 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:13,872 Cartman, you fat-ass tattletale!
- 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,790 At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble.
- 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,667 The suicide pact will go as planned.
- 00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,420 If we die, we all die together.
- 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:27,052 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best Friends...
- 00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,345 Look at that, Jesus.
- 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,430 His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine.
- 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,390 It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous
- 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,267 as you and your young friend had feared.
- 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,101 I knew it!
- 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,354 Here, I have a videotape of his performance the other night.
- 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,356 Perhaps we should have Moses look at the tape
- 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,690 and see what he comes up with.
- 00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,067 Moses, scan this tape.
- 00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,985 Can you tell us the source of Blaine's power?
- 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,904 Give me the information.
- 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,074 Wow! <i>The</i> Moses.
- 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,410 His magic is a combination of centrifugal line
- 00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:53,870 and sleight of hand.
- 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,121 Wait a minute.
- 00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,581 I'm picking up movement
- 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,708 from Blaintologists all over the country.
- 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,544 The Blaintologists are heading to Washington.
- 00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,380 - But why? - Wait a minute.
- 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,548 At his performance, David Blaine said something about
- 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,384 trying to get tax-exempt status.
- 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:08,426 - Oh, my God! - What?
- 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,387 If he gets tax-exempt status,
- 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:12,097 then he'll become a real religion.
- 00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:14,808 He would become unstoppable.
- 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,268 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the Nation's Capitol,
- 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,312 Blaintologists from all over the country
- 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,898 have gathered to commit mass suicide!
- 00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,901 If the government will not give us tax-exempt status,
- 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:27,278 then we must prove that we are willing to die
- 00:16:27,404 --> 00:16:28,738 for our beliefs...twah.
- 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,740 All right, brothers and sisters, gather around.
- 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,576 It's time to drown ourselves in the reflecting pool.
- 00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,954 However, the reflecting pool is a little more shallow
- 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,581 than we originally thought, so to drown ourselves,
- 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,959 you will need to lie on your stomach facedown
- 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,670 until you die, as such.
- 00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:46,589 [Gurgling]
- 00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:48,466 [Gurgling stops]
- 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,343 Next!
- 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,637 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the White House...
- 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,931 Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves.
- 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,475 Well, we can't give them tax-exempt status either, Karl!
- 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,394 Hey, George! What's going on?
- 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,813 All right, Brother Kyle, it is time for us to die!
- 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,274 Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't you see?
- 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,483 We don't have to do this!
- 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:06,943 But it's the only way for us to be happy.
- 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,194 Cartman, no!
- 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:16,077 Give us what we want or we will continue to die...twah.
- 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,662 Not so fast, David Blaine.
- 00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,205 Jesus! Not again.
- 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,916 Yes! But this time, I've brought some help.
- 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:23,168 Super Best Friends, ho!
- 00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,252 - Buddha! - Muhammad!
- 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,086 - Joseph Smith! - Krishna!
- 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,087 - Lao-tzu! - Sea Man!
- 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,174 The mass suicide is over, Blaine, and so are you!
- 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,967 I don't think so. Get them!
- 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:32,927 [Screaming]
- 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,930 My ice breath should take care of you.
- 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,974 Kyle! Kyle!
- 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:39,768 Sweet salvation!
- 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,313 Kyle?
- 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:49,360 [Gasps] Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,321 You bastards!
- 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,405 Kyle?
- 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:54,074 Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,367 You bastards!
- 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,036 Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:01,081 - That takes care of them. - Now it's your turn, Blaine!
- 00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,750 Perhaps you need to see some real magic.
- 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,840 Raaargh!
- 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:11,966 Oh, this looks like trouble.
- 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,344 So long, Super Best <i>Fools</i>!
- 00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:15,220 - Kyle! - Stan!
- 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,806 - Kyle, you can't kill yourself! - I don't want to kill myself!
- 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,557 They rigged this thing to fill with water!
- 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:20,850 [Thudding]
- 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,813 We've got to stop that oversized Abraham Lincoln!
- 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,980 Muhammad!
- 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,733 - Aargh! - Aah!
- 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:29,776 Great Scott!
- 00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,528 [Gasping]
- 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:32,987 Okay, try again.
- 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:33,988 Hyup!
- 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:37,325 [Indistinct shouting and screaming]
- 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,785 It is too powerful, Jesus!
- 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,121 It seems to have no weakness.
- 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,789 There has to be a way to destroy it.
- 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:43,957 Jesus to Moses!
- 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,127 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends League...
- 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,087 <i>- Come in, Moses!</i> - What?
- 00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,048 <i>We need to know how to kill a giant, stone Abraham Lincoln.</i>
- 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,051 Um...
- 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,762 Let me, um...
- 00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:01,099 A giant, stone John Wilkes Booth?
- 00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:05,019 You heard him, Super Best Friends!
- 00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,897 We've got to make a giant, stone John Wilkes Booth!
- 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:10,150 Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold!
- 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,318 Form of -- a beaver!
- 00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,782 I will find sources of concrete.
- 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,617 You, get the water to mix it with, Seaman.
- 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,035 [Laughter]
- 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,997 ANNOUNCER: Using the wood that Krishna cut down as a beaver,
- 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:26,249 Jesus uses his master carpentry skills
- 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,750 to make a giant mold.
- 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:30,378 That should do the trick. Now for some concrete.
- 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,755 ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in the ocean depths,
- 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,717 Seaman seeks out water to mix with the concrete.
- 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:36,926 Sea Man!
- 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,512 Look, Swallow, we should be able to divert the water
- 00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:40,513 with that pipe.
- 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,932 ANNOUNCER: And so Seaman and Swallow
- 00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,559 get to -- get to work, heh.
- 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,811 Kyle, you have to hold your breath!
- 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,480 [ People screaming ]
- 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:54,652 Oh, very funny.
- 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:00,950 Lao-tzu, bring it to life.
- 00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:03,036 ANNOUNCER: Using his power of Taoism,
- 00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,956 Lao-tzu becomes one with the giant, stone John Wilkes Booth.
- 00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:11,044 Barp!
- 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,339 Ah!
- 00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:15,173 It worked.
- 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,634 Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves!
- 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,845 - Whoa! - Whoa!
- 00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:23,264 Hey, I was just about to do it!
- 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,059 ANNOUNCER: Later, at the exact same location...
- 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:27,936 Damn you, Super Best Friends!
- 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,939 Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine!
- 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,900 Then I guess you win this time, Super Best <i>Fools</i>!
- 00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,235 But I'll be back!
- 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,486 Twaah.
- 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:38,488 God damn it!
- 00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:41,407 It's all right. Everything is as it should be.
- 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:42,533 Oh, shut up, Buddha.
- 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,079 Our leader, he's -- he's leaving us.
- 00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:48,164 Don't leave us, David Blaine!
- 00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,624 Listen up, everyone.
- 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,668 You don't need David Blaine to tell you how to live.
- 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:54,212 You see, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope,
- 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,047 happiness, and maybe even an afterlife.
- 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,757 But in return, they demand you pay money.
- 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,467 Any religion that requires you to pay money
- 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,178 in order to move up and learn its tenets is wrong.
- 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,097 You see, all religions have something valuable to teach,
- 00:21:04,222 --> 00:21:06,432 but just like the Super Best Friends learned,
- 00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:09,185 it requires a little bit of them all.
- 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,438 He's right. He -- He's right!
- 00:21:12,563 --> 00:21:15,275 Thanks for saving me, Stan. You're <i>my</i> Super Best Friend.
- 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,859 Your my Super Best Friend, too, Kyle.
- 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:18,695 Oh, that's so sweet, you guys.
- 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,780 You want to go get a room so you can make out for a while?
- 00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:21,614 [Laughs]
- 00:21:21,739 --> 00:21:23,241 Ow! Jesus! What was that for?!
- 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,410 [Stan and Kyle laughing] Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow!
- 00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:27,829 Well, it looks like everything worked out.
- 00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,416 ANNOUNCER: And so Jesus and his companions leave Washington.
- 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,167 But their return is assured,
- 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:35,044 for there will always be a need for
- 00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:37,547 the Super Best Friends!
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