Загрузка
00:00
/
22:07
Четвёртый класс
Fourth Grade
Сезон: 04Серия: 11
Описание
Друзья переходят в четвёртый класс. У них новая учительница — мисс Заглотник. Мистер Гаррисон, в конце концов, признаёт, что он — гомосексуалист.
Субтитры
- 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:11,887 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,723 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,558 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:16,308 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:18,394 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,354 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,106 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:23,774 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:24,608 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:26,861 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,782 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,201 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪
- 00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:41,876 Well, here we are, dude, the first day of fourth grade.
- 00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:44,754 Yeah, no more getting pushed around by fourth graders.
- 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,505 Get out my way, you little dorks!
- 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,007 Hey, we're fourth graders now, too.
- 00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:49,592 Yeah, but now we're fifth graders,
- 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,677 you stupid fourth grader, so move it!
- 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,345 Oh, gay, dude!
- 00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,722 Dude, we gotta find some third graders to beat up.
- 00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,307 Hey, come here. - What?
- 00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:57,767 What grade are you going into? - Third.
- 00:00:58,893 --> 00:00:59,935 Stupid third grader!
- 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:00,352 Yeah, get out of here!
- 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,229 Ow. - Yeah, that's better.
- 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:04,106 Y'know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is some new lady from Denver.
- 00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,316 Denver?
- 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:06,484 Dude, we could walk all over her.
- 00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,736 He's right, we have to take a hard stance right now
- 00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,613 and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship.
- 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,656 Alright, hey, listen up everybody.
- 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:15,034 We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves.
- 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,912 Let's all do something radical. - Like what?
- 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:21,040 Like, how about right at 8:35 we all jump on our desk,
- 00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,959 pull down our pants and shout "kiss my ass" all together.
- 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,419 Yeah! - That's perfect.
- 00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,505 But when we pull our pants down should we stand frontways or back?
- 00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:30,132 I mean, do we show our behinds or our wieners?
- 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:34,053 I think showing our asses will be quite sufficient, Butters.
- 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,971 Maybe we could stand like this,
- 00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,973 with our wieners poking through the back of our legs, y'know,
- 00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,725 give her a nice fruit bowl.
- 00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,977 Yeah, or we could just show our asses.
- 00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:45,189 Okay, so it's decided, when the clock hits 8:35
- 00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,483 we all stand on our desks, pull down our pants and yell "kiss my ass".
- 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,818 Together we are strong.
- 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,444 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,238 Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down.
- 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,280 We got you covered, Timmy.
- 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:55,199 Timmy!
- 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,284 Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom!
- 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:58,869 Look at all this stuff.
- 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:00,454 Hey, what the hell's with these little half desks?
- 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,248 Dude, look at the walls.
- 00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:04,041 Everything is written in some strange foreign language.
- 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,584 Alright, children, quiet down.
- 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,294 Welcome to the fourth grade.
- 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,130 Holy God, dude.
- 00:02:09,255 --> 00:02:10,422 Her titties are f--kin' huge!
- 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:14,051 My name is Ms. Choks-on-dik.
- 00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,762 More like, "Ms. Makes-me-sick".
- 00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:21,559 Playtime is over, children, do you understand me?
- 00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:23,060 I don't know how your last teacher behaved,
- 00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,520 but this is the fourth grade!
- 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,230 And it is time to go to work!
- 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:29,358 Heh heh heh-- Kiss my ass!
- 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:34,113 Oh, weak, you guys, seriously weak.
- 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,491 Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this.
- 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:39,493 Oh, I'm sure I do.
- 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:40,244 This is the fourth grade, you need to grow up!
- 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:43,080 I'm trying.
- 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,999 Now get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay
- 00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:47,626 on why you feel you need to disrupt my class.
- 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,044 Fantastic, guys.
- 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,547 Now, let us begin our first day exam.
- 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,590 Uh! Uh!
- 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,216 Silence!
- 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,718 What a bitch!
- 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,636 And did you see her lazy eye?
- 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,221 You can't even tell who she's looking at.
- 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,806 You guys are all such pussies!
- 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,266 I can't take it, man!
- 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,977 Writing in cursive, fractions-- I can't do it!
- 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,229 This is it, the end of innocence.
- 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,856 This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about.
- 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,525 I just didn't think it would come so soon.
- 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,235 Yeah, only now do we realize
- 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,571 how much we all took the third grade for granted. - Huh?
- 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,406 Everything was great in third grade,
- 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:21,118 And now that it's all over we're starting to see just how special it was.
- 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:25,539 ♪ Remember how it used to be in the third grade ♪
- 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,541 ♪ We used to laugh and play and cherish each day ♪
- 00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:30,169 ♪ In the third grade ♪
- 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:33,172 ♪ We learned wondrous things from our teacher so nice ♪
- 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:36,217 ♪ Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles ♪
- 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,802 ♪ The world seemed to all make sense ♪
- 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,429 ♪ But that sense seems to slowly fade ♪
- 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,724 ♪ After third grade ♪
- 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,435 ♪ In third grade we used to write with crayons ♪
- 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,480 ♪ We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue ♪
- 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:52,316 ♪ We had warm cookies and hearts full of love ♪
- 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,069 ♪ And there wasn't a care in the world for me ♪
- 00:03:55,194 --> 00:03:57,279 ♪ Or for you ♪
- 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,906 ♪ There's not a thing in this life ♪
- 00:03:59,031 --> 00:03:59,782 ♪ That I wouldn't trade ♪
- 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,409 ♪ Just to go back for one minute ♪
- 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:06,747 ♪ To third grade ♪
- 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,587 Wow, I had already forgotten how great third grade was.
- 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,256 Oh, sure was.
- 00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,882 Wish I was still there.
- 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,218 Hey, that's it-we gotta go back to third grade.
- 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:19,969 How?
- 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,429 We travel back in time.
- 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,431 Oh, yeah, time travel!
- 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,392 How we gonna do that? Does it hurt?
- 00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,143 I don't wanna do it if it hurts.
- 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:30,104 Or if it makes you get all sticky.
- 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,064 It can't be that bad, people do it on TV all the time.
- 00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,191 Yeah, we just have to find somebody who knows how to do it.
- 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,859 What about those two college guys next door to me?
- 00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:37,736 They're always doing science experiments in their basement.
- 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,322 Yeah, if there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks will know how.
- 00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:41,615 When it comes to time travel theory
- 00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:44,243 there are basically two schools of thought.
- 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:47,079 The "Spock Theory" is that a slingshot around the sun
- 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,581 could create a wormhole in which time could not escape.
- 00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,875 The "LT. Commander Data Theory", however,
- 00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:56,171 is that a magnetic vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum--
- 00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:58,590 Look, whatever it takes, we just have to get back to third grade.
- 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,134 Time travel is no laughing matter.
- 00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:02,511 Four times the "enterprise" traveled back in time
- 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,805 and four times they almost didn't make it back.
- 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,390 We don't want to make it back, we want to stay there.
- 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,684 Ohh. - So, can you do it?
- 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,602 It's all theoretical, but from a scientific standpoint
- 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,980 the creation of a rip in space-time <i>is</i> possible.
- 00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:15,399 We just need to find an inertia device.
- 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:18,819 Hey, this kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need.
- 00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:21,196 Ti-Timmy.
- 00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:24,116 This new fourth-grade teacher is driving me nuts.
- 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,951 What's the problem?
- 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,079 You see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers
- 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:32,166 and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra.
- 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:33,625 You call that a problem?
- 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:34,960 That sounds like heaven to me.
- 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,880 No, it's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef.
- 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,631 Principal Victoria, I would like a word.
- 00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:42,968 Ooh, call the doctor!
- 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,095 My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate,
- 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,639 brain-dead group of children I've ever come across.
- 00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,851 Well, Ms. Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the third grade.
- 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,353 One of them is mentally handicapped for Christ's sake!
- 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:53,771 Oh, which one?
- 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:57,274 The one in the wheelchair!
- 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,443 Look, I would like to have a talk with their last year's teacher.
- 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,696 Who was it, Mister, uh, Garrison?
- 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,656 I'm afraid that's impossible.
- 00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:07,326 Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended.
- 00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:08,285 Why, where did he go?
- 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,789 We... don't like to talk about it.
- 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,957 But I need help reaching these kids!
- 00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,126 I have nothing but the highest expectations for them.
- 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,211 And with God as my witness...
- 00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,837 Ohh! - Ahh!
- 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,339 I'm going to teach these kids the wonders of the world
- 00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,673 so that they can reach the top!
- 00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:23,175 Arhh!
- 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,009 I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in
- 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,970 on what happened to this Mr. Garrison.
- 00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:27,971 And with that I will bid you good day.
- 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:31,725 Well, sure thing, fine, bye-bye then.
- 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,067 Alright, when we power up the handicapped kid's chair
- 00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,861 we'll accelerate at a high rate of speed about 10 feet that way,
- 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,531 then make the required magnetic vibrations.
- 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,449 If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole
- 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,493 up near the front of the classroom.
- 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,453 You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?
- 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,414 Now, when you all see the wormhole,
- 00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:56,792 you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it.
- 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,962 And on the other side, you will find yourself in the exact same spot,
- 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,922 only, one year ago.
- 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,257 Back in the third grade.
- 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,967 Cool. Cool.
- 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,593 I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time
- 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,095 and we all tell her to suck our balls.
- 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,431 Yeah! - Oh, here she comes.
- 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:11,640 Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night.
- 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,058 Please pass your papers up to the front.
- 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,186 Suck my balls!
- 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,772 Oh, God dammit, you guys, I'm so seriously.
- 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,401 I said, pass your papers to the front.
- 00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,736 We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makes-me-sick,
- 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:26,572 we didn't feel like it.
- 00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,574 It's Choksondik, and you are all going to have detention!
- 00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,160 Ha, ha, sure right you are, teacher.
- 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,953 I'm afraid we have different plans.
- 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,288 Gentlemen.
- 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,747 Primary fusion initiated.
- 00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,082 Molecular grenadine active.
- 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,208 What are you doing?
- 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,461 We're going back in time to the third grade.
- 00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,754 Good-bye, teacher, perhaps we shall see you in another year.
- 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,214 Ha ha!
- 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,633 Timmy!!
- 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,510 Timmy!
- 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:56,143 I didn't think it would work. - Me neither.
- 00:07:56,268 --> 00:08:00,063 Well, well, well, I'd say somebody has some explaining to do.
- 00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,482 You're damn right they do!
- 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,066 Dude, Timmy's chair's packed with all that stuff.
- 00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:03,942 We gotta help him!
- 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,444 Yeah, come on.
- 00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,279 Children, children, come back here!
- 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,741 Ahhh!
- 00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:11,909 Timmy, you have to stop.
- 00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,285 No! - No?
- 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,661 Look, the system malfunctioned.
- 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,788 If he stops, the nuclear core could break his magnetic field
- 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,624 and the whole chair will blow sky-high.
- 00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:19,875 What?
- 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:20,959 Timmy, you gotta get off that chair!
- 00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,711 No! - No?
- 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,879 We rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight,
- 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,048 if he gets off the whole thing blows.
- 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,091 So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blows
- 00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,510 and if he gets off the chair blows?
- 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,386 Yep. - My God.
- 00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:35,140 It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene
- 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,143 of a handicap boy's wheelchair set with explosives.
- 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,229 Over here, over here!
- 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,689 The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion,
- 00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,858 and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device.
- 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:47,444 Timmy!
- 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,323 Closer!
- 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:54,910 Don't worry, son, just watch your speed and stay still.
- 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,245 Look out, Hanson!
- 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:56,870 Oh!
- 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,539 Timmy!
- 00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,999 Dear Jesus, hang on lady!
- 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,459 Oh my God, what's going on?
- 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:03,919 Ma'am, be very careful,
- 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,754 that wheelchair is set to explode.
- 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,089 What?! Ahh!!
- 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,757 Oh my God, oh my God!
- 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,468 It's okay, just stay calm and keep the speed above five.
- 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:12,970 Okay, okay.
- 00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:14,638 Oh my God. - Ti-Timmy.
- 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,223 Okay, I've got the speed at five.
- 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,307 Good.
- 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:20,435 What's the wheelchair's battery power at?
- 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,937 Oh my God, less than 20 minutes!!
- 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:26,316 Less than 20 minutes? - Oh, no, what have we done?
- 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,695 What do you think, too forward?
- 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,989 I have had it! - Ahh!
- 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,740 These children are out of control.
- 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:37,911 I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,621 As we said before, that's impossible.
- 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,457 What in God's name happened to him?
- 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,501 Uh, Ms. Choksondik,
- 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,921 Mr. Garrison had several, uh, emotional issues.
- 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,382 He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people.
- 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,343 When ever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts.
- 00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,972 Then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy.
- 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,974 After being dismissed from teaching
- 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,810 he went off to write romance novels.
- 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,229 His first novel sold very well and everything was fine
- 00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,858 until he found out that his novel won the Gay Pulitzer Prize
- 00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:11,778 and was considered the best homoerotic novel since "Huckleberry Finn".
- 00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,989 He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown
- 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,617 and went up into the mountains to live in solitude.
- 00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:17,534 Some say that on cold nights
- 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,537 you can still hear him moaning,
- 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,790 "I'm not gay, I'm not gay."
- 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:28,003 I'm not gay!
- 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,755 And nobody has found him?
- 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,923 Well, we haven't really looked.
- 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,634 I see.
- 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,802 Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids
- 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,971 is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself.
- 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,266 But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains.
- 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,309 Oh, I'll find him.
- 00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:45,395 Even if I have to climb up and up and up--
- 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,063 No!
- 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,231 What?
- 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,941 Oh my God, oh my God!
- 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,319 Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside of Denver
- 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,655 where the darling handicap boy fights for his life
- 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:55,781 on a wheelchair of death.
- 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:58,700 Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosives
- 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,661 we're actually dealing with here?
- 00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,746 Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen fusion core
- 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:03,955 with a veltic reactor.
- 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:06,083 It just turned into a time bomb.
- 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,585 This has never happened in all the 72 original "Star Trek" episodes.
- 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,546 Yeah-wait, you mean 73 episodes.
- 00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:12,464 No, there were 72.
- 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:13,674 No there weren't!
- 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:16,301 Oh, you're such a nerd!
- 00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,555 Tom, I understand that now the rescuers are gonna
- 00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:23,892 try and send in one of the handicap boy's little friends
- 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,813 in an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully disarm the device.
- 00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:30,691 It's alright, everything's gonna be fine. - Oh my God!
- 00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,901 Alright, young man, when you get underneath that wheelchair
- 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:33,985 I want you to relay back to me with this walkie-talkie
- 00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:35,529 and then I'll tell you which wires to cross.
- 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,614 Ready? - Let's go!
- 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,616 Go blue!
- 00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:44,121 Hey guys.
- 00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,249 Okay-ahh!
- 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:54,214 Well, who didn't see <i>that</i> coming?
- 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,924 Oh my God, oh my God!
- 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:56,967 Stay calm, you have to stay calm!
- 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:58,760 But if we get off the chair it blows up!
- 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,471 No, no, that's only if the boy gets off.
- 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,432 Oh... See ya! - Timmy!
- 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,392 10 seconds, Hanson!
- 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,018 9, 8...
- 00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:07,352 Please help me.
- 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,604 6, 5...
- 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,857 Got it, I think. Up, up!
- 00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,735 Timmy!
- 00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:26,496 Hey, it did work.
- 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,475 Hellooo?
- 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,894 Oh, what am I doing, I'm gonna get myself killed.
- 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:52,731 Is anyone here?
- 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,651 Mr... Mr. Garrison?
- 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,321 Who are you? What do you want?
- 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,280 I'm the new fourth-grade teacher,
- 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:04,075 I've come to seek your help.
- 00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,370 Please, I don't know how to handle the new fourth graders,
- 00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:08,747 I've tried everything.
- 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,791 I need to know how you taught them.
- 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:15,629 No, no, I haven't taught in over eight months.
- 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,839 Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids,
- 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,466 you're my only hope.
- 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,885 Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms...
- 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,053 Choksondik.
- 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,596 No I don't, it's a lie!
- 00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,556 You see, that's what you get for being a teacher.
- 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:27,557 You work and you work for the children
- 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,018 and then people start rumors that you're gay
- 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,603 even though you love poontang!
- 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,605 Mr. Garrison, these children are depending on me to give them a future.
- 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:37,025 I can't do it without your guidance, please help me.
- 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,570 For them, for the future of our children.
- 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,696 200 bucks.
- 00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,323 Done.
- 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,699 Dude, you gotta build us another time machine.
- 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:45,408 Huh? Oh, can't.
- 00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,576 What do you mean "can't"?
- 00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,745 You made it work, just build another one.
- 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,539 I can't because pizza-face isn't here.
- 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,415 We're not on speaking terms.
- 00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:53,375 We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out.
- 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,710 What did you get in a fight about?
- 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,587 There's 73 original "Star Treks",
- 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,339 he keeps saying there's 72!
- 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,382 Oh, Jesus Christ, you've gotta be kidding me.
- 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,510 No, he actually thinks there's 72.
- 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:05,679 Look, can't you just build us another machine without him?
- 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,264 No, pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's.
- 00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,684 Now, if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong...
- 00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,937 Alright, come on guys.
- 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,731 Man, I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time.
- 00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,191 Yeah, Timmy's probably back in third grade right now living it up!
- 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,366 Timmy!
- 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,326 Timmy, ahh!
- 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:35,959 Alright, let's try it again.
- 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,421 Children, we are now going to do math problems.
- 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,340 But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems.
- 00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:45,343 You will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble.
- 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:47,178 Well, I'm not goin' to do it, teacher,
- 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,139 You can just suck my balls.
- 00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:50,974 Don't use that kind of language, young man.
- 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,435 No! - No?
- 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,896 Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat.
- 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,148 You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion.
- 00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,734 When a child says "suck my balls", you say,
- 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,694 "present them".
- 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:03,361 Oh.
- 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,197 Now, let's try it again.
- 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,702 Suck my balls!
- 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,120 Present them.
- 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,581 Good... Very good.
- 00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:17,751 You're ready to move on to the next level.
- 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,669 But I warn you,
- 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,339 we will now be diving deep into your own psyche.
- 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,299 These children know what scares you
- 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,468 and so, we too must face those demons.
- 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,719 I'm ready, I'm not afraid.
- 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:31,681 You will be, you will be.
- 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,184 You will be.
- 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,897 God dammit, this is ridiculous.
- 00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:40,315 What?
- 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,817 Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend
- 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,653 and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the third grade?
- 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,739 Look, there aren't 73 episodes of <i>Star Trek</i>, there are 72!
- 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,575 "The Menagerie" was a two-parter that counts as one episode.
- 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,160 Pizza-face is wrong.
- 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,537 Who the hell cares? - I know!
- 00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,665 Why does he have to be such a dick about it it?
- 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,249 Won't it be better to just agree with him and just forget the whole thing?
- 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,085 No, because he's wrong!
- 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,336 Look, you guys built a machine together that can bend time.
- 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,339 If you'll just agree with him
- 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,883 you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science.
- 00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,427 And live in a world of 72 original Star Treks? I don't think so.
- 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:13,848 I don't want to live in that world.
- 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,058 God, these guys are such geek dumb-asses!
- 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,769 I know.
- 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,479 Yeah, they don't even realize that "the menagerie"
- 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,190 originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes.
- 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:26,987 Those dumb-asses.
- 00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,571 Wait a minute, I've got it.
- 00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,073 What?
- 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,075 Dude, if you guys build another time machine
- 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,286 you can travel back in time and ask the creator of <i>Star Trek</i>
- 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,414 how many episodes there were!
- 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,333 Dear Jesus, you're right.
- 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:45,255 This is it, the tree of insight.
- 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,383 You must go in and face what lives inside.
- 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,759 What lives inside?
- 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,387 Hell if I know, I wouldn't go in there.
- 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,014 Alrighty.
- 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,768 Well?
- 00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:02,439 What the-well, there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side.
- 00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:05,358 There's nothing in here at all.
- 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,403 Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here.
- 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:12,615 Wait a minute, maybe there's not supposed to be anything in here.
- 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:17,495 Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone do have the strength to reach the kids.
- 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:21,166 I think I get it now.
- 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,921 Hey, hurry up in there!
- 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,174 Jesus, you're taking too long in the damn tree of insight!
- 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:34,095 You in there?
- 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,973 Hey, where the hell did she go?
- 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:40,143 What the?
- 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:41,352 Ahh!
- 00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,562 Who-who are you?
- 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:45,815 I am you, I am your gay side.
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,234 My gay side... I don't have a gay side!
- 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:52,072 You must face me at last.
- 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,620 You aren't real, you can't be.
- 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,415 It is me, your darkest fear, your gay self incarnate.
- 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,917 What do you want?
- 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,001 I want you to not fight me anymore,
- 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:08,088 to accept me once and for all.
- 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,756 Why? - Don't you see?
- 00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:12,300 All these years, your pain, your confusion--
- 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,470 it comes from one place, your denial of who you are,
- 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,305 of who <i>we</i> are.
- 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,891 But I'm not gay, everyone just thinks I am.
- 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,059 Oh, stop it!
- 00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:22,727 What about the time you looked at
- 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:23,937 Counselor Mackie's penis in the men's locker room?
- 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,606 I was just comparing size!
- 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,233 For seven minutes? - Ah!
- 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,193 And what about the time you masturbated
- 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,821 to the men's 100-meter swimming relay at the Olympics?
- 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,572 I was beating off to the chicks.
- 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:35,824 There were no chicks!
- 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,159 Oh, damn you, spirit, haunt me no longer!
- 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,953 Admit it! - No!
- 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:41,162 You have to stop lying to yourself and get--
- 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,540 Alright, Alright, I admit it.
- 00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,875 I'm gay!
- 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,585 I'm... Gay.
- 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,463 I'm gay.
- 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,589 I am gay!
- 00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:56,594 You hear that, everyone? I'm gay, I'm gay!
- 00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,681 I'm gay and it-- and it feels good.
- 00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,435 Alright, children, I hope you all did your--
- 00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,355 What is going on now?
- 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,316 Ha ha, teacher, we're traveling back in time to third grade.
- 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,776 Godammit, you guys, you seriously said this time
- 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:12,527 you'd stand up and do it with me.
- 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,487 Oh, good gravy, not this again.
- 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,656 Yes, we had a <i>new</i> time machine built,
- 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,742 this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck.
- 00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:22,537 Au revoir, Teacher, perhaps we shall see you in the past, ha ha.
- 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,663 Gentlemen...
- 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,373 Children, I will have order!
- 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,292 I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how wrong you are.
- 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:30,170 Just like when you said there were no two-parters of "Battlestar Galactica".
- 00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,005 There weren't!
- 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,007 The episode called "Guys on Ice Planet Zero" was a two-parter!
- 00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:35,341 No, it wasn't!!
- 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:36,467 Oh, son of a bitch.
- 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:37,927 I'll kill you!
- 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,224 There it is, come on everybody.
- 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,476 Children, get back into your seats.
- 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,519 No way, lady.
- 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,770 Eric, I mean it.
- 00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,689 You can suck my balls.
- 00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:53,610 Present them.
- 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,280 What?
- 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,698 You said, "suck my balls".
- 00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:01,451 Well, go ahead, whip 'em out and I'll suck 'em.
- 00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:04,829 Tha-that's what Mr. Garrison would've said.
- 00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:07,081 Touché, Teacher, touché.
- 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,667 Now, children, listen to me.
- 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:10,919 Why do you want to go back in time?
- 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:14,380 Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward.
- 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,508 Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive,
- 00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,886 but if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again?
- 00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,181 The adventure of life is that there's always something new--
- 00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,642 new challenges, new experiences.
- 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,645 A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes.
- 00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:30,939 So it is with life. Do you understand?
- 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:34,859 Dude... She's right.
- 00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,111 Yeah, and you know,
- 00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,988 now that I think about it, third grade wasn't all that great either.
- 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,157 Yeah, third grade sucked!
- 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,159 Cartman, why the hell did you try to make us think third grade was so great?
- 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:43,701 Yeah, you suck, Cartman.
- 00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:46,329 What?
- 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,705 Alright, students, that will be quite enough.
- 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,998 If you're ready,
- 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:52,919 let's continue on with the fourth grade.
- 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,088 Dun-dun-duh!
- 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,090 Hey, Timmy's back.
- 00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,008 Dude, it looks like he's been all over time.
- 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,803 He must have such cool stuff to tell us.
- 00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,721 Ih-Timmy.
- 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,974 You know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria.
- 00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,893 Hey, guess what, everybody, I'm gay!
- 00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,020 Mr. Garrison? - What?
- 00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,982 I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
- 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,359 You admit it? You admit it!
- 00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,486 Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison,
- 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,989 you've finally come to terms with yourself.
- 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:22,782 Yeah, it feels really good.
- 00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,450 Well, congratulations.
- 00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:25,451 Yeah, congratulations.
- 00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:29,247 You know, I feel like I can start anew.
- 00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,291 If it's alright with you, I will like to go back
- 00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,918 to teaching the third grade!
- 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:37,046 Oh, I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people.
- 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:11,887 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,723 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,558 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:16,308 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:18,394 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,354 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,106 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:23,774 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:24,608 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:26,861 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:26,986 --> 00:00:30,156 ♪ [Mumbling] ♪
- 00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,782 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,201 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪
- 00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:41,876 Well, here we are, dude, the first day of fourth grade.
- 00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:44,754 Yeah, no more getting pushed around by fourth graders.
- 00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,505 Get out my way, you little dorks!
- 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,007 Hey, we're fourth graders now, too.
- 00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:49,592 Yeah, but now we're fifth graders,
- 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,677 you stupid fourth grader, so move it!
- 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,345 Oh, gay, dude!
- 00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,722 Dude, we gotta find some third graders to beat up.
- 00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,307 Hey, come here. - What?
- 00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:57,767 What grade are you going into? - Third.
- 00:00:58,893 --> 00:00:59,935 Stupid third grader!
- 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:00,352 Yeah, get out of here!
- 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,229 Ow. - Yeah, that's better.
- 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:04,106 Y'know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is some new lady from Denver.
- 00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,316 Denver?
- 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:06,484 Dude, we could walk all over her.
- 00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,736 He's right, we have to take a hard stance right now
- 00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,613 and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship.
- 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,656 Alright, hey, listen up everybody.
- 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:15,034 We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves.
- 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,912 Let's all do something radical. - Like what?
- 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:21,040 Like, how about right at 8:35 we all jump on our desk,
- 00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,959 pull down our pants and shout "kiss my ass" all together.
- 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,419 [all]Yeah! - That's perfect.
- 00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,505 But when we pull our pants down should we stand frontways or back?
- 00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:30,132 I mean, do we show our behinds or our wieners?
- 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:34,053 I think showing our asses will be quite sufficient, Butters.
- 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,971 Maybe we could stand like this,
- 00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,973 with our wieners poking through the back of our legs, y'know,
- 00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,725 give her a nice fruit bowl.
- 00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,977 Yeah, or we could just show our asses.
- 00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:45,189 Okay, so it's decided, when the clock hits 8:35
- 00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,483 we all stand on our desks, pull down our pants and yell "kiss my ass".
- 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,818 Together we are strong.
- 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,444 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,238 Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down.
- 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,280 We got you covered, Timmy.
- 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:55,199 Timmy!
- 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,284 Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom!
- 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:58,869 Look at all this stuff.
- 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:00,454 Hey, what the hell's with these little half desks?
- 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,248 Dude, look at the walls.
- 00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:04,041 Everything is written in some strange foreign language.
- 00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,584 Alright, children, quiet down.
- 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,294 Welcome to the fourth grade.
- 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,130 Holy God, dude.
- 00:02:09,255 --> 00:02:10,422 [Kenny mumbling] Her titties are f--kin' huge!
- 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:14,051 My name is Ms. Choks-on-dik.
- 00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,762 More like, "Ms. Makes-me-sick".
- 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,430 [snickering]
- 00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:21,559 Playtime is over, children, do you understand me?
- 00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:23,060 I don't know how your last teacher behaved,
- 00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,520 but this is the fourth grade!
- 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,230 And it is time to go to work!
- 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:29,358 Heh heh heh-- Kiss my ass!
- 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:34,113 Oh, weak, you guys, seriously weak.
- 00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,491 Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this.
- 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:39,493 Oh, I'm sure I do.
- 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:40,244 This is the fourth grade, you need to grow up!
- 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:43,080 I'm trying.
- 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,999 Now get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay
- 00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:47,626 on why you feel you need to disrupt my class.
- 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,044 Fantastic, guys.
- 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,547 Now, let us begin our first day exam.
- 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,590 Uh! Uh!
- 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,216 Silence!
- 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,718 What a bitch!
- 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,636 And did you see her lazy eye?
- 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,221 You can't even tell who she's looking at.
- 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,806 You guys are all such pussies!
- 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,266 I can't take it, man!
- 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,977 Writing in cursive, fractions-- I can't do it!
- 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,229 This is it, the end of innocence.
- 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,856 This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about.
- 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,525 I just didn't think it would come so soon.
- 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,235 Yeah, only now do we realize
- 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,571 how much we all took the third grade for granted. - Huh?
- 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,406 Everything was great in third grade,
- 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:21,118 And now that it's all over we're starting to see just how special it was.
- 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:25,539 [touching piano music] ♪ Remember how it used to be in the third grade ♪
- 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,541 ♪ We used to laugh and play and cherish each day ♪
- 00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:30,169 ♪ In the third grade ♪
- 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:33,172 ♪ We learned wondrous things from our teacher so nice ♪
- 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:36,217 ♪ Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles ♪
- 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,802 ♪ The world seemed to all make sense ♪
- 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,429 ♪ But that sense seems to slowly fade ♪
- 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,724 ♪ After third grade ♪
- 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,435 ♪ In third grade we used to write with crayons ♪
- 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,480 ♪ We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue ♪
- 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:52,316 ♪ We had warm cookies and hearts full of love ♪
- 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,069 ♪ And there wasn't a care in the world for me ♪
- 00:03:55,194 --> 00:03:57,279 ♪ Or for you ♪
- 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,906 ♪ There's not a thing in this life ♪
- 00:03:59,031 --> 00:03:59,782 ♪ That I wouldn't trade ♪
- 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,409 ♪ Just to go back for one minute ♪
- 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:06,747 ♪ To third grade ♪
- 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,085 [sobbing]
- 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,587 Wow, I had already forgotten how great third grade was.
- 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,256 Oh, sure was.
- 00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,882 Wish I was still there.
- 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,218 Hey, that's it-we gotta go back to third grade.
- 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:19,969 How?
- 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,429 We travel back in time.
- 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,431 Oh, yeah, time travel!
- 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,392 How we gonna do that? Does it hurt?
- 00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,143 I don't wanna do it if it hurts.
- 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:30,104 Or if it makes you get all sticky.
- 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,064 It can't be that bad, people do it on TV all the time.
- 00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,191 Yeah, we just have to find somebody who knows how to do it.
- 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,859 What about those two college guys next door to me?
- 00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:37,736 They're always doing science experiments in their basement.
- 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,322 Yeah, if there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks will know how.
- 00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:41,615 When it comes to time travel theory
- 00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:44,243 there are basically two schools of thought.
- 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:47,079 The "Spock Theory" is that a slingshot around the sun
- 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,581 could create a wormhole in which time could not escape.
- 00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,875 The "LT. Commander Data Theory", however,
- 00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:56,171 is that a magnetic vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum--
- 00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:58,590 Look, whatever it takes, we just have to get back to third grade.
- 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,134 Time travel is no laughing matter.
- 00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:02,511 Four times the "enterprise" traveled back in time
- 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,805 and four times they almost didn't make it back.
- 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,390 We don't want to make it back, we want to stay there.
- 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,684 Ohh. - So, can you do it?
- 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,602 It's all theoretical, but from a scientific standpoint
- 00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,980 the creation of a rip in space-time <i>is</i> possible.
- 00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:15,399 We just need to find an inertia device.
- 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:18,819 Hey, this kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need.
- 00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:21,196 Ti-Timmy.
- 00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:24,116 This new fourth-grade teacher is driving me nuts.
- 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,951 What's the problem?
- 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,079 You see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers
- 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:32,166 and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra.
- 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:33,625 You call that a problem?
- 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:34,960 That sounds like heaven to me.
- 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,880 No, it's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef.
- 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,631 Principal Victoria, I would like a word.
- 00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:42,968 Ooh, call the doctor!
- 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,095 My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate,
- 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,639 brain-dead group of children I've ever come across.
- 00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,851 Well, Ms. Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the third grade.
- 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,353 One of them is mentally handicapped for Christ's sake!
- 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:53,771 Oh, which one?
- 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:57,274 The one in the wheelchair!
- 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,443 Look, I would like to have a talk with their last year's teacher.
- 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,696 Who was it, Mister, uh, Garrison?
- 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,656 I'm afraid that's impossible.
- 00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:07,326 Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended.
- 00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:08,285 Why, where did he go?
- 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,789 We... don't like to talk about it.
- 00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,957 But I need help reaching these kids!
- 00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,126 I have nothing but the highest expectations for them.
- 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,211 And with God as my witness...
- 00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,837 Ohh! - Ahh!
- 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,339 I'm going to teach these kids the wonders of the world
- 00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,673 so that they can reach the top!
- 00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:23,175 Arhh!
- 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,009 I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in
- 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,970 on what happened to this Mr. Garrison.
- 00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:27,971 And with that I will bid you good day.
- 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:31,725 Well, sure thing, fine, bye-bye then.
- 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,067 Alright, when we power up the handicapped kid's chair
- 00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,861 we'll accelerate at a high rate of speed about 10 feet that way,
- 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,531 then make the required magnetic vibrations.
- 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,449 If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole
- 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,493 up near the front of the classroom.
- 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,453 You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?
- 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,414 Now, when you all see the wormhole,
- 00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:56,792 you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it.
- 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,962 And on the other side, you will find yourself in the exact same spot,
- 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,922 only, one year ago.
- 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,257 Back in the third grade.
- 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,967 Cool. Cool.
- 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,593 I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time
- 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,095 and we all tell her to suck our balls.
- 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,431 Yeah! - Oh, here she comes.
- 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:11,640 Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night.
- 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,058 Please pass your papers up to the front.
- 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,186 Suck my balls!
- 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,772 Oh, God dammit, you guys, I'm so seriously.
- 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,401 I said, pass your papers to the front.
- 00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,736 We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makes-me-sick,
- 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:26,572 we didn't feel like it.
- 00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,574 It's Choksondik, and you are all going to have detention!
- 00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,160 Ha, ha, sure right you are, teacher.
- 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,953 I'm afraid we have different plans.
- 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,288 Gentlemen.
- 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,747 Primary fusion initiated.
- 00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,082 Molecular grenadine active.
- 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,208 What are you doing?
- 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,461 We're going back in time to the third grade.
- 00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,754 Good-bye, teacher, perhaps we shall see you in another year.
- 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,214 Ha ha!
- 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,633 Timmy!!
- 00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,510 Timmy!
- 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:56,143 I didn't think it would work. - Me neither.
- 00:07:56,268 --> 00:08:00,063 Well, well, well, I'd say somebody has some explaining to do.
- 00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,482 You're damn right they do!
- 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,066 Dude, Timmy's chair's packed with all that stuff.
- 00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:03,942 We gotta help him!
- 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,444 Yeah, come on.
- 00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,279 Children, children, come back here!
- 00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,447 [horn honking]
- 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,741 Ahhh!
- 00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:11,909 Timmy, you have to stop.
- 00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,285 No! - No?
- 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,661 Look, the system malfunctioned.
- 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,788 If he stops, the nuclear core could break his magnetic field
- 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,624 and the whole chair will blow sky-high.
- 00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:19,875 What?
- 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:20,959 Timmy, you gotta get off that chair!
- 00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,711 No! - No?
- 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,879 We rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight,
- 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,048 if he gets off the whole thing blows.
- 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,091 So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blows
- 00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,510 and if he gets off the chair blows?
- 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,386 Yep. - My God.
- 00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:35,140 It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene
- 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,143 of a handicap boy's wheelchair set with explosives.
- 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,229 Over here, over here!
- 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,689 The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion,
- 00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,858 and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device.
- 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:47,444 Timmy!
- 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,323 Closer!
- 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:54,910 Don't worry, son, just watch your speed and stay still.
- 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,245 Look out, Hanson!
- 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:56,870 Oh!
- 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,539 Timmy!
- 00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,999 Dear Jesus, hang on lady!
- 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,459 Oh my God, what's going on?
- 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:03,919 Ma'am, be very careful,
- 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,754 that wheelchair is set to explode.
- 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,089 What?! Ahh!!
- 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,757 Oh my God, oh my God!
- 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,468 It's okay, just stay calm and keep the speed above five.
- 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:12,970 Okay, okay.
- 00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:14,638 Oh my God. - Ti-Timmy.
- 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,223 Okay, I've got the speed at five.
- 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,307 Good.
- 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:20,435 What's the wheelchair's battery power at?
- 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,937 Oh my God, less than 20 minutes!!
- 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:26,316 Less than 20 minutes? - Oh, no, what have we done?
- 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,695 What do you think, too forward?
- 00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,989 I have had it! - Ahh!
- 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,740 These children are out of control.
- 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:37,911 I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,621 As we said before, that's impossible.
- 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,457 What in God's name happened to him?
- 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,501 Uh, Ms. Choksondik,
- 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,921 Mr. Garrison had several, uh, emotional issues.
- 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,382 He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people.
- 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,343 When ever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts.
- 00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,972 Then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy.
- 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,974 After being dismissed from teaching
- 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,810 he went off to write romance novels.
- 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,229 His first novel sold very well and everything was fine
- 00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,858 until he found out that his novel won the Gay Pulitzer Prize
- 00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:11,778 and was considered the best homoerotic novel since "Huckleberry Finn".
- 00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,989 He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown
- 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,617 and went up into the mountains to live in solitude.
- 00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:17,534 Some say that on cold nights
- 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,537 you can still hear him moaning,
- 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,790 "I'm not gay, I'm not gay."
- 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:28,003 [distant yell] I'm not gay!
- 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,755 And nobody has found him?
- 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,923 Well, we haven't really looked.
- 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,634 I see.
- 00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,802 Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids
- 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,971 is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself.
- 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,266 But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains.
- 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,309 Oh, I'll find him.
- 00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:45,395 Even if I have to climb up and up and up--
- 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,063 No!
- 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,231 What?
- 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,941 Oh my God, oh my God!
- 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,319 Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside of Denver
- 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,655 where the darling handicap boy fights for his life
- 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:55,781 on a wheelchair of death.
- 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:58,700 Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosives
- 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,661 we're actually dealing with here?
- 00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,746 Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen fusion core
- 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:03,955 with a veltic reactor.
- 00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:06,083 It just turned into a time bomb.
- 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,585 This has never happened in all the 72 original "Star Trek" episodes.
- 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,546 Yeah-wait, you mean 73 episodes.
- 00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:12,464 No, there were 72.
- 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:13,674 No there weren't!
- 00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:16,301 Oh, you're such a nerd!
- 00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,555 Tom, I understand that now the rescuers are gonna
- 00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:23,892 try and send in one of the handicap boy's little friends
- 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,813 in an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully disarm the device.
- 00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:30,691 It's alright, everything's gonna be fine. - Oh my God!
- 00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,901 Alright, young man, when you get underneath that wheelchair
- 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:33,985 I want you to relay back to me with this walkie-talkie
- 00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:35,529 and then I'll tell you which wires to cross.
- 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,614 Ready? - Let's go!
- 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,616 Go blue!
- 00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:44,121 Hey guys.
- 00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,249 Okay-ahh!
- 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:54,214 Well, who didn't see <i>that</i> coming?
- 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,924 Oh my God, oh my God!
- 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:56,967 Stay calm, you have to stay calm!
- 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:58,760 But if we get off the chair it blows up!
- 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,471 No, no, that's only if the boy gets off.
- 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,432 Oh... See ya! - Timmy!
- 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,392 10 seconds, Hanson!
- 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,018 9, 8...
- 00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:07,352 Please help me.
- 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,604 6, 5...
- 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,857 Got it, I think. Up, up!
- 00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:12,190 [electronic beeping]
- 00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,735 Timmy!
- 00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:26,496 Hey, it did work.
- 00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:34,004 [crows squawking]
- 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,425 [straining]
- 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,475 Hellooo?
- 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,894 Oh, what am I doing, I'm gonna get myself killed.
- 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:52,731 Is anyone here?
- 00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,316 [hisses]
- 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,651 Mr... Mr. Garrison?
- 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,321 Who are you? What do you want?
- 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,280 I'm the new fourth-grade teacher,
- 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:04,075 I've come to seek your help.
- 00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,370 Please, I don't know how to handle the new fourth graders,
- 00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:08,747 I've tried everything.
- 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,791 I need to know how you taught them.
- 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:15,629 No, no, I haven't taught in over eight months.
- 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,839 Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids,
- 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,466 you're my only hope.
- 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,885 Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms...
- 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,053 Choksondik.
- 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,596 No I don't, it's a lie!
- 00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,556 You see, that's what you get for being a teacher.
- 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:27,557 You work and you work for the children
- 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,018 and then people start rumors that you're gay
- 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,603 even though you love poontang!
- 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,605 Mr. Garrison, these children are depending on me to give them a future.
- 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:37,025 I can't do it without your guidance, please help me.
- 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,570 For them, for the future of our children.
- 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,696 200 bucks.
- 00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,323 Done.
- 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,699 Dude, you gotta build us another time machine.
- 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:45,408 Huh? Oh, can't.
- 00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,576 What do you mean "can't"?
- 00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,745 You made it work, just build another one.
- 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,539 I can't because pizza-face isn't here.
- 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,415 We're not on speaking terms.
- 00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:53,375 We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out.
- 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,710 What did you get in a fight about?
- 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,587 There's 73 original "Star Treks",
- 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,339 he keeps saying there's 72!
- 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,382 Oh, Jesus Christ, you've gotta be kidding me.
- 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,510 No, he actually thinks there's 72.
- 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:05,679 Look, can't you just build us another machine without him?
- 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,264 No, pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's.
- 00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,684 Now, if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong...
- 00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,937 Alright, come on guys.
- 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,731 Man, I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time.
- 00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,191 Yeah, Timmy's probably back in third grade right now living it up!
- 00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:21,152 [pterodactyl shrieking]
- 00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,366 Timmy!
- 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,326 Timmy, ahh!
- 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:35,959 Alright, let's try it again.
- 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,421 Children, we are now going to do math problems.
- 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,340 But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems.
- 00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:45,343 You will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble.
- 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:47,178 Well, I'm not goin' to do it, teacher,
- 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,139 You can just suck my balls.
- 00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:50,974 Don't use that kind of language, young man.
- 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,435 No! - No?
- 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,896 Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat.
- 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,148 You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion.
- 00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,734 When a child says "suck my balls", you say,
- 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,694 "present them".
- 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:03,361 Oh.
- 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,197 Now, let's try it again.
- 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,702 Suck my balls!
- 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,120 Present them.
- 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,581 Good... Very good.
- 00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:17,751 You're ready to move on to the next level.
- 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,669 But I warn you,
- 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,339 we will now be diving deep into your own psyche.
- 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,299 These children know what scares you
- 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,468 and so, we too must face those demons.
- 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,719 I'm ready, I'm not afraid.
- 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:31,681 [Yoda-like] You will be, you will be.
- 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,184 [coughs] You will be.
- 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,897 God dammit, this is ridiculous.
- 00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:40,315 What?
- 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,817 Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend
- 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,653 and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the third grade?
- 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,739 Look, there aren't 73 episodes of <i>Star Trek</i>, there are 72!
- 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,575 "The Menagerie" was a two-parter that counts as one episode.
- 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,160 Pizza-face is wrong.
- 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,537 Who the hell cares? - I know!
- 00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,665 Why does he have to be such a dick about it it?
- 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,249 Won't it be better to just agree with him and just forget the whole thing?
- 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,085 No, because he's wrong!
- 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,336 Look, you guys built a machine together that can bend time.
- 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,339 If you'll just agree with him
- 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,883 you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science.
- 00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,427 And live in a world of 72 original Star Treks? I don't think so.
- 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:13,848 I don't want to live in that world.
- 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,058 God, these guys are such geek dumb-asses!
- 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,769 I know.
- 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,479 Yeah, they don't even realize that "the menagerie"
- 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,190 originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes.
- 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,733 [chuckles]
- 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:26,987 [chuckles] Those dumb-asses.
- 00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,571 Wait a minute, I've got it.
- 00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,073 What?
- 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,075 Dude, if you guys build another time machine
- 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,286 you can travel back in time and ask the creator of <i>Star Trek</i>
- 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,414 how many episodes there were!
- 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,333 Dear Jesus, you're right.
- 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:45,255 This is it, the tree of insight.
- 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,383 You must go in and face what lives inside.
- 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,759 What lives inside?
- 00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,387 Hell if I know, I wouldn't go in there.
- 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,014 Alrighty.
- 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,768 Well?
- 00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:02,439 What the-well, there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side.
- 00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:05,358 There's nothing in here at all.
- 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,403 Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here.
- 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:12,615 Wait a minute, maybe there's not supposed to be anything in here.
- 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:17,495 Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone do have the strength to reach the kids.
- 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:21,166 I think I get it now.
- 00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:23,752 [sighs]
- 00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,921 Hey, hurry up in there!
- 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,174 Jesus, you're taking too long in the damn tree of insight!
- 00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:34,095 You in there?
- 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,973 Hey, where the hell did she go?
- 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:40,143 What the?
- 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:41,352 Ahh!
- 00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,562 Who-who are you?
- 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:45,815 I am you, I am your gay side.
- 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,234 My gay side... I don't have a gay side!
- 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:52,072 You must face me at last.
- 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,620 You aren't real, you can't be.
- 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,415 It is me, your darkest fear, your gay self incarnate.
- 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,917 What do you want?
- 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,001 I want you to not fight me anymore,
- 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:08,088 to accept me once and for all.
- 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,756 Why? - Don't you see?
- 00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:12,300 All these years, your pain, your confusion--
- 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,470 it comes from one place, your denial of who you are,
- 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,305 of who <i>we</i> are.
- 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,891 But I'm not gay, everyone just thinks I am.
- 00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,059 Oh, stop it!
- 00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:22,727 What about the time you looked at
- 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:23,937 Counselor Mackie's penis in the men's locker room?
- 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,606 I was just comparing size!
- 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,233 For seven minutes? - Ah!
- 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,193 And what about the time you masturbated
- 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,821 to the men's 100-meter swimming relay at the Olympics?
- 00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,572 I was beating off to the chicks.
- 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:35,824 There were no chicks!
- 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,159 Oh, damn you, spirit, haunt me no longer!
- 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,953 Admit it! - No!
- 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:41,162 You have to stop lying to yourself and get--
- 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,540 Alright, Alright, I admit it.
- 00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,875 I'm gay!
- 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,585 I'm... Gay.
- 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,463 I'm gay.
- 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,589 I am gay!
- 00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:56,594 You hear that, everyone? I'm gay, I'm gay!
- 00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,681 I'm gay and it-- and it feels good.
- 00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,435 Alright, children, I hope you all did your--
- 00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,355 What is going on now?
- 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,316 Ha ha, teacher, we're traveling back in time to third grade.
- 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,776 Godammit, you guys, you seriously said this time
- 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:12,527 you'd stand up and do it with me.
- 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,487 Oh, good gravy, not this again.
- 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,656 Yes, we had a <i>new</i> time machine built,
- 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,742 this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck. [quacks]
- 00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:22,537 Au revoir, Teacher, perhaps we shall see you in the past, ha ha.
- 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,663 Gentlemen...
- 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,373 Children, I will have order!
- 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,292 I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how wrong you are.
- 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:30,170 Just like when you said there were no two-parters of "Battlestar Galactica".
- 00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,005 There weren't!
- 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,007 The episode called "Guys on Ice Planet Zero" was a two-parter!
- 00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:35,341 No, it wasn't!!
- 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:36,467 Oh, son of a bitch.
- 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:37,927 I'll kill you!
- 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,224 There it is, come on everybody.
- 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,476 Children, get back into your seats.
- 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,519 No way, lady.
- 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,770 Eric, I mean it.
- 00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,689 You can suck my balls.
- 00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:53,610 Present them.
- 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,280 What?
- 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,698 You said, "suck my balls".
- 00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:01,451 Well, go ahead, whip 'em out and I'll suck 'em.
- 00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:04,829 Tha-that's what Mr. Garrison would've said.
- 00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:07,081 Touché, Teacher, touché.
- 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,667 Now, children, listen to me.
- 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:10,919 Why do you want to go back in time?
- 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:14,380 Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward.
- 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,508 Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive,
- 00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,886 but if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again?
- 00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,181 The adventure of life is that there's always something new--
- 00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,642 new challenges, new experiences.
- 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,645 A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes.
- 00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:30,939 So it is with life. Do you understand?
- 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:34,859 Dude... She's right.
- 00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,111 Yeah, and you know,
- 00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,988 now that I think about it, third grade wasn't all that great either.
- 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,157 Yeah, third grade sucked!
- 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,159 Cartman, why the hell did you try to make us think third grade was so great?
- 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:43,701 Yeah, you suck, Cartman.
- 00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:46,329 What?
- 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,705 Alright, students, that will be quite enough.
- 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,998 If you're ready,
- 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:52,919 let's continue on with the fourth grade.
- 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,088 Dun-dun-duh!
- 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,090 Hey, Timmy's back.
- 00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,008 [Stan] Dude, it looks like he's been all over time.
- 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,803 He must have such cool stuff to tell us.
- 00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,721 Ih-Timmy.
- 00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,974 You know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria.
- 00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,893 Hey, guess what, everybody, I'm gay!
- 00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,020 Mr. Garrison? - What?
- 00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,982 I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
- 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,359 You admit it? You admit it!
- 00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,486 Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison,
- 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,989 you've finally come to terms with yourself.
- 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:22,782 Yeah, it feels really good.
- 00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,450 Well, congratulations.
- 00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:25,451 Yeah, congratulations.
- 00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:29,247 You know, I feel like I can start anew.
- 00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,291 If it's alright with you, I will like to go back
- 00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,918 to teaching the third grade!
- 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:37,046 Oh, I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people.
- 00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,339 [laughing]
Скриншоты
