Четвёртый класс

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,558

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:16,308

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:18,394

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,354

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,106

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:23,774

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:24,608

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:26,861

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,782

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,201

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪♪

00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:41,876

Well, here we are, dude, the

first day of fourth grade.

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Yeah, no more getting pushed

around by fourth graders.

00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,505

Get out my way,

you little dorks!

00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,007

Hey, we're fourth

graders now, too.

00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:49,592

Yeah, but now

we're fifth graders,

00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,677

you stupid fourth grader,

so move it!

00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,345

Oh, gay, dude!

00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,722

Dude, we gotta find some

third graders to beat up.

00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,307

Hey, come here.

- What?

00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:57,767

What grade are you going into?

- Third.

00:00:58,893 --> 00:00:59,935

Stupid third grader!

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Yeah, get out of here!

00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,229

Ow.

- Yeah, that's better.

00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:04,106

Y'know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is

some new lady from Denver.

00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,316

Denver?

00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:06,484

Dude, we could

walk all over her.

00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,736

He's right, we have to take

a hard stance right now

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and establish that

we're the dominant ones in this relationship.

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Alright, hey,

listen up everybody.

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We need to stand up to

this new teacher and

insert ourselves.

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Let's all do something radical.

- Like what?

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Like, how about right at 8:35

we all jump on our desk,

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pull down our pants and shout

"kiss my ass" all together.

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Yeah!

- That's perfect.

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But when we pull our pants down

should we stand frontways

or back?

00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:30,132

I mean, do we show our behinds

or our wieners?

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I think showing our asses will

be quite sufficient, Butters.

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Maybe we could

stand like this,

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with our wieners poking through

the back of our legs, y'know,

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give her a nice

fruit bowl.

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Yeah, or we could

just show our asses.

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Okay, so it's decided,

when the clock hits 8:35

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we all stand on our desks,

pull down our pants and yell

"kiss my ass".

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Together we are strong.

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Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

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Hey, Timmy might need some help

pulling his pants down.

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We got you

covered, Timmy.

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Timmy!

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Whoa, dude, this is

our new classroom!

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Look at

all this stuff.

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Hey, what the hell's with

these little half desks?

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Dude, look at the walls.

00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:04,041

Everything is written in some

strange foreign language.

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Alright, children,

quiet down.

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Welcome to

the fourth grade.

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Holy God, dude.

00:02:09,255 --> 00:02:10,422

Her titties are

f--kin' huge!

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My name is

Ms. Choks-on-dik.

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More like,

"Ms. Makes-me-sick".

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Playtime is over, children,

do you understand me?

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I don't know how

your last teacher behaved,

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but this is

the fourth grade!

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And it is time

to go to work!

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Heh heh heh--

Kiss my ass!

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Oh, weak, you guys,

seriously weak.

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Well, young man, I hope you have

a good explanation for this.

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Oh, I'm sure I do.

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This is the fourth grade,

you need to grow up!

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I'm trying.

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Now get back to your desk

and write a thousand-word essay

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on why you feel you need to

disrupt my class.

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Fantastic, guys.

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Now, let us begin

our first day exam.

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Uh!

Uh!

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Silence!

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What a bitch!

00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,636

And did you see

her lazy eye?

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You can't even tell

who she's looking at.

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You guys are

all such pussies!

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I can't take it, man!

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Writing in cursive, fractions--

I can't do it!

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This is it,

the end of innocence.

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This is the loss of that

playful youth all our parents

warned us about.

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I just didn't think

it would come so soon.

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Yeah, only now

do we realize

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how much we all took

the third grade for granted.

- Huh?

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Everything was great

in third grade,

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And now that it's all over

we're starting to see

just how special it was.

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♪ Remember how it used to be

in the third grade ♪

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♪ We used to laugh and play

and cherish each day ♪

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♪ In the third grade ♪

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♪ We learned wondrous things

from our teacher so nice ♪

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♪ Sat on marshmallow desks

with teddy-bear smiles ♪

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♪ The world seemed to

all make sense ♪

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♪ But that sense seems

to slowly fade ♪

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♪ After third grade ♪

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♪ In third grade we used to

write with crayons ♪

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♪ We would make sparkly pictures

with glitter and glue ♪

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♪ We had warm cookies

and hearts full of love ♪

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♪ And there wasn't a care

in the world for me ♪

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♪ Or for you ♪

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♪ There's not a thing

in this life ♪

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♪ That I wouldn't trade ♪

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♪ Just to go back

for one minute ♪

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♪ To third grade ♪

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Wow, I had already

forgotten how great

third grade was.

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Oh, sure was.

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Wish I was

still there.

00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,218

Hey, that's it-we gotta

go back to third grade.

00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:19,969

How?

00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,429

We travel

back in time.

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Oh, yeah,

time travel!

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How we gonna do that?

Does it hurt?

00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,143

I don't wanna do it

if it hurts.

00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:30,104

Or if it makes you

get all sticky.

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It can't be that bad,

people do it on TV all the time.

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Yeah, we just have to

find somebody who knows how to do it.

00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,859

What about those two college

guys next door to me?

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They're always doing science experiments

in their basement.

00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,322

Yeah, if there's a way

to travel back in time,

those two dorks will know how.

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When it comes to

time travel theory

00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:44,243

there are basically

two schools of thought.

00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:47,079

The "Spock Theory" is that

a slingshot around the sun

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could create a wormhole

in which time could not escape.

00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,875

The "LT. Commander

Data Theory", however,

00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:56,171

is that a magnetic vibration

could create a rip in the

time-space continuum--

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Look, whatever it takes,

we just have to get back

to third grade.

00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,134

Time travel

is no laughing matter.

00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:02,511

Four times the "enterprise"

traveled back in time

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and four times they almost

didn't make it back.

00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,390

We don't want to make it back,

we want to stay there.

00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,684

Ohh.

- So, can you do it?

00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,602

It's all theoretical, but from

a scientific standpoint

00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,980

the creation of a rip

in space-time is possible.

00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:15,399

We just need to find

an inertia device.

00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:18,819

Hey, this kid's electric

wheelchair might be

just what we need.

00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:21,196

Ti-Timmy.

00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:24,116

This new fourth-grade teacher

is driving me nuts.

00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,951

What's the problem?

00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,079

You see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik

has very large, uh, honkers

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and she doesn't seem to like

wearing a bra.

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You call that

a problem?

00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:34,960

That sounds like

heaven to me.

00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,880

No, it's really not as nice

as you might imagine, Chef.

00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,631

Principal Victoria,

I would like a word.

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Ooh, call the doctor!

00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,095

My new students are the most

misbehaved, illiterate,

00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,639

brain-dead group of children

I've ever come across.

00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,851

Well, Ms. Choksondik,

those children did fairly well

in the third grade.

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One of them is mentally

handicapped for Christ's sake!

00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:53,771

Oh, which one?

00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:57,274

The one

in the wheelchair!

00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,443

Look, I would like to

have a talk with their

last year's teacher.

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Who was it,

Mister, uh, Garrison?

00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,656

I'm afraid

that's impossible.

00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:07,326

Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since

the last school year ended.

00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:08,285

Why, where did he go?

00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,789

We... don't like

to talk about it.

00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,957

But I need help

reaching these kids!

00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,126

I have nothing but the highest

expectations for them.

00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,211

And with God

as my witness...

00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,837

Ohh!

- Ahh!

00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,339

I'm going to teach these kids

the wonders of the world

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so that they can

reach the top!

00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:23,175

Arhh!

00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,009

I hope that sometime very soon

you will let me in

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on what happened

to this Mr. Garrison.

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And with that I will

bid you good day.

00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:31,725

Well, sure thing, fine,

bye-bye then.

00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,067

Alright, when we power up

the handicapped kid's chair

00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,861

we'll accelerate at

a high rate of speed

about 10 feet that way,

00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,531

then make the required

magnetic vibrations.

00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,449

If the fields are right,

it should then create

a wormhole

00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,493

up near the front

of the classroom.

00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,453

You guys don't actually think

this is going to work, do you?

00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,414

Now, when you all see

the wormhole,

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you guys are gonna have about

4.2 seconds to run through it.

00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,962

And on the other side,

you will find yourself

in the exact same spot,

00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,922

only, one year ago.

00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,257

Back in the

third grade.

00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,967

Cool.

Cool.

00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,593

I can't wait until the

teacher yells at us this time

00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,095

and we all tell her

to suck our balls.

00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,431

Yeah!

- Oh, here she comes.

00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:11,640

Alright, children,

I hope you all did your

homework last night.

00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,058

Please pass your papers

up to the front.

00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,186

Suck my balls!

00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,772

Oh, God dammit, you guys,

I'm so seriously.

00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,401

I said, pass your papers

to the front.

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We didn't do our homework,

Ms. Makes-me-sick,

00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:26,572

we didn't feel like it.

00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,574

It's Choksondik, and you are

all going to have detention!

00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,160

Ha, ha, sure right

you are, teacher.

00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,953

I'm afraid we have

different plans.

00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,288

Gentlemen.

00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,747

Primary fusion

initiated.

00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,082

Molecular grenadine

active.

00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,208

What are you doing?

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,461

We're going back in time

to the third grade.

00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,754

Good-bye, teacher, perhaps we

shall see you in another year.

00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,214

Ha ha!

00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,633

Timmy!!

00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,510

Timmy!

00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:56,143

I didn't think

it would work.

- Me neither.

00:07:56,268 --> 00:08:00,063

Well, well, well,

I'd say somebody has

some explaining to do.

00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,482

You're damn right

they do!

00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,066

Dude, Timmy's chair's packed

with all that stuff.

00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:03,942

We gotta help him!

00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,444

Yeah, come on.

00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,279

Children, children,

come back here!

00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,741

Ahhh!

00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:11,909

Timmy,

you have to stop.

00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,285

No!

- No?

00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,661

Look, the system

malfunctioned.

00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,788

If he stops, the nuclear core

could break his magnetic field

00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,624

and the whole chair

will blow sky-high.

00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:19,875

What?

00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:20,959

Timmy, you gotta

get off that chair!

00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,711

No!

- No?

00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,879

We rigged the chair to be

sensitive to his weight,

00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,048

if he gets off

the whole thing blows.

00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,091

So if Timmy drops his speed

below five miles an hour

the chair blows

00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,510

and if he gets off

the chair blows?

00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,386

Yep.

- My God.

00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:35,140

It's been over three hours

since the police first

showed up on the scene

00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,143

of a handicap boy's wheelchair

set with explosives.

00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,229

Over here, over here!

00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,689

The child can't stop

or get off the chair

without risking explosion,

00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,858

and so the SWAT team will now

attempt to disarm the device.

00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:47,444

Timmy!

00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,323

Closer!

00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:54,910

Don't worry, son, just

watch your speed and stay still.

00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,245

Look out, Hanson!

00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:56,870

Oh!

00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,539

Timmy!

00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,999

Dear Jesus,

hang on lady!

00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,459

Oh my God,

what's going on?

00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:03,919

Ma'am,

be very careful,

00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,754

that wheelchair

is set to explode.

00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,089

What?! Ahh!!

00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,757

Oh my God,

oh my God!

00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,468

It's okay, just stay calm

and keep the speed above five.

00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:12,970

Okay, okay.

00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:14,638

Oh my God.

- Ti-Timmy.

00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,223

Okay, I've got

the speed at five.

00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,307

Good.

00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:20,435

What's the wheelchair's

battery power at?

00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,937

Oh my God, less than

20 minutes!!

00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:26,316

Less than 20 minutes?

- Oh, no, what have we done?

00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,695

What do you think,

too forward?

00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,989

I have had it!

- Ahh!

00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,740

These children

are out of control.

00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:37,911

I must speak with their last

year's teacher, Mr. Garrison.

00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,621

As we said before,

that's impossible.

00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,457

What in God's name

happened to him?

00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,501

Uh, Ms. Choksondik,

00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,921

Mr. Garrison had several,

uh, emotional issues.

00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,382

He was a closet homosexual

who hated gay people.

00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,343

When ever someone asked him

if he was gay, he'd go nuts.

00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,972

Then he was accused of trying to

solicit sex from a young boy.

00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,974

After being dismissed

from teaching

00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,810

he went off to write

romance novels.

00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,229

His first novel sold very well

and everything was fine

00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,858

until he found out that his

novel won the Gay Pulitzer Prize

00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:11,778

and was considered the best

homoerotic novel since

"Huckleberry Finn".

00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,989

He finally snapped and

had a nervous breakdown

00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,617

and went up into

the mountains to

live in solitude.

00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:17,534

Some say that

on cold nights

00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,537

you can still hear

him moaning,

00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,790

"I'm not gay,

I'm not gay."

00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:28,003

I'm not gay!

00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,755

And nobody

has found him?

00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,923

Well, we haven't

really looked.

00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,634

I see.

00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,802

Then the only way I'll find the

secret to teaching these kids

00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,971

is to go up into those mountains

and find Mr. Garrison myself.

00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,266

But he could be anywhere

up high in those mountains.

00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,309

Oh, I'll find him.

00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:45,395

Even if I have to climb

up and up and up--

00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,063

No!

00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,231

What?

00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,941

Oh my God,

oh my God!

00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,319

Tom, I'm standing about

two miles outside of Denver

00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,655

where the darling handicap boy

fights for his life

00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:55,781

on a wheelchair of death.

00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:58,700

Guys, can you tell us

what kind of explosives

00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,661

we're actually

dealing with here?

00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,746

Uh, well, it's a simple

hydrogen fusion core

00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:03,955

with a veltic reactor.

00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:06,083

It just turned into

a time bomb.

00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,585

This has never happened

in all the 72 original

"Star Trek" episodes.

00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,546

Yeah-wait, you mean

73 episodes.

00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:12,464

No, there were 72.

00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:13,674

No there weren't!

00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:16,301

Oh, you're

such a nerd!

00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,555

Tom, I understand that now

the rescuers are gonna

00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:23,892

try and send in one of the

handicap boy's little friends

00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,813

in an attempt to keep him calm

and hopefully disarm the device.

00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:30,691

It's alright,

everything's gonna be fine.

- Oh my God!

00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,901

Alright, young man, when you

get underneath that wheelchair

00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:33,985

I want you to relay back to me

with this walkie-talkie

00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:35,529

and then I'll tell you

which wires to cross.

00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,614

Ready?

- Let's go!

00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,616

Go blue!

00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:44,121

Hey guys.

00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,249

Okay-ahh!

00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:54,214

Well, who didn't

see that coming?

00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,924

Oh my God,

oh my God!

00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:56,967

Stay calm,

you have to stay calm!

00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:58,760

But if we get off the chair

it blows up!

00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,471

No, no, that's only

if the boy gets off.

00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,432

Oh... See ya!

- Timmy!

00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,392

10 seconds, Hanson!

00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,018

9, 8...

00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:07,352

Please help me.

00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,604

6, 5...

00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,857

Got it, I think.

Up, up!

00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,735

Timmy!

00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:26,496

Hey, it did work.

00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,475

Hellooo?

00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,894

Oh, what am I doing,

I'm gonna get myself killed.

00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:52,731

Is anyone here?

00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,651

Mr... Mr. Garrison?

00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,321

Who are you?

What do you want?

00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,280

I'm the new

fourth-grade teacher,

00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:04,075

I've come to

seek your help.

00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,370

Please, I don't know how to

handle the new fourth graders,

00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:08,747

I've tried everything.

00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,791

I need to know how

you taught them.

00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:15,629

No, no, I haven't taught

in over eight months.

00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,839

Mr. Garrison, you knew

how to reach these kids,

00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,466

you're my only hope.

00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,885

Do you know what it is

to be a teacher, Ms...

00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,053

Choksondik.

00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,596

No I don't, it's a lie!

00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,556

You see, that's what you get

for being a teacher.

00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:27,557

You work and you work

for the children

00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,018

and then people start rumors

that you're gay

00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,603

even though you

love poontang!

00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,605

Mr. Garrison, these

children are depending on me

to give them a future.

00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:37,025

I can't do it without your

guidance, please help me.

00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,570

For them, for the future

of our children.

00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,696

200 bucks.

00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,323

Done.

00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,699

Dude, you gotta build us

another time machine.

00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:45,408

Huh? Oh, can't.

00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,576

What do you mean "can't"?

00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,745

You made it work,

just build another one.

00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,539

I can't because

pizza-face isn't here.

00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,415

We're not on

speaking terms.

00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:53,375

We got in a big fight and he

moved all his stuff out.

00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,710

What did you get in

a fight about?

00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,587

There's 73 original

"Star Treks",

00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,339

he keeps saying

there's 72!

00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,382

Oh, Jesus Christ,

you've gotta be kidding me.

00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,510

No, he actually thinks

there's 72.

00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:05,679

Look, can't you just build us

another machine without him?

00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,264

No, pizza-face took

all his equipment home

to his mom's.

00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,684

Now, if you can go over there

and get him to admit

that he's wrong...

00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,937

Alright,

come on guys.

00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,731

Man, I can't believe

we have to do this while

Timmy's already back in time.

00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,191

Yeah, Timmy's probably back

in third grade right now

living it up!

00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,366

Timmy!

00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,326

Timmy, ahh!

00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:35,959

Alright,

let's try it again.

00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,421

Children, we are now going to

do math problems.

00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,340

But teacher, I don't want

to do my math problems.

00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:45,343

You will do them or else you'll

be in very big trouble.

00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:47,178

Well, I'm not goin' to

do it, teacher,

00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,139

You can just

suck my balls.

00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:50,974

Don't use that kind of

language, young man.

00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,435

No!

- No?

00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,896

Look, you can't counter

a profane command with

an idle threat.

00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,148

You must extinguish it

with a vulgar suggestion.

00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,734

When a child says

"suck my balls", you say,

00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,694

"present them".

00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:03,361

Oh.

00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,197

Now, let's try it again.

00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,702

Suck my balls!

00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,120

Present them.

00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,581

Good... Very good.

00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:17,751

You're ready to move on

to the next level.

00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,669

But I warn you,

00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,339

we will now be diving deep

into your own psyche.

00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,299

These children know

what scares you

00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,468

and so, we too

must face those demons.

00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,719

I'm ready,

I'm not afraid.

00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:31,681

You will be, you will be.

00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,184

You will be.

00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,897

God dammit,

this is ridiculous.

00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:40,315

What?

00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,817

Dude, can you please just stop

fighting with your friend

00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,653

and build another machine

so we can travel back in time

to the third grade?

00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,739

Look, there aren't 73 episodes

of Star Trek, there are 72!

00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,575

"The Menagerie" was a two-parter

that counts as one episode.

00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,160

Pizza-face is wrong.

00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,537

Who the hell cares?

- I know!

00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,665

Why does he have to be

such a dick about it it?

00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,249

Won't it be better to just

agree with him and just

forget the whole thing?

00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,085

No, because he's wrong!

00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,336

Look, you guys built a machine

together that can bend time.

00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,339

If you'll just

agree with him

00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,883

you can build another one

and usher in a whole new

era of science.

00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,427

And live in a world of

72 original Star Treks?

I don't think so.

00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:13,848

I don't want to live

in that world.

00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,058

God, these guys are such

geek dumb-asses!

00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,769

I know.

00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,479

Yeah, they don't even realize

that "the menagerie"

00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,190

originally was the pilot

and later got split up

into two episodes.

00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:26,987

Those dumb-asses.

00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,571

Wait a minute,

I've got it.

00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,073

What?

00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,075

Dude, if you guys build

another time machine

00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,286

you can travel

back in time and ask

the creator of Star Trek

00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,414

how many episodes

there were!

00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,333

Dear Jesus,

you're right.

00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:45,255

This is it,

the tree of insight.

00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,383

You must go in and

face what lives inside.

00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,759

What lives inside?

00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,387

Hell if I know,

I wouldn't go in there.

00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,014

Alrighty.

00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,768

Well?

00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:02,439

What the-well, there's

nothing in here but an exit

to the other side.

00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:05,358

There's nothing

in here at all.

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,403

Oh, and I actually thought my

mental demons would be in here.

00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:12,615

Wait a minute, maybe there's not

supposed to be anything in here.

00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:17,495

Maybe I'm supposed to see that

I alone do have the strength

to reach the kids.

00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:21,166

I think I get it now.

00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,921

Hey, hurry up

in there!

00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,174

Jesus, you're taking too long

in the damn tree of insight!

00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:34,095

You in there?

00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,973

Hey, where the hell

did she go?

00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:40,143

What the?

00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:41,352

Ahh!

00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,562

Who-who are you?

00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:45,815

I am you,

I am your gay side.

00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,234

My gay side...

I don't have a gay side!

00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:52,072

You must face me

at last.

00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,620

You aren't real,

you can't be.

00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,415

It is me, your darkest fear,

your gay self incarnate.

00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,917

What do you want?

00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,001

I want you to not

fight me anymore,

00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:08,088

to accept me

once and for all.

00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,756

Why?

- Don't you see?

00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:12,300

All these years,

your pain, your confusion--

00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,470

it comes from one place,

your denial of who you are,

00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,305

of who we are.

00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,891

But I'm not gay,

everyone just thinks I am.

00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,059

Oh, stop it!

00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:22,727

What about the time

you looked at

00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:23,937

Counselor Mackie's penis

in the men's locker room?

00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,606

I was just

comparing size!

00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,233

For seven minutes?

- Ah!

00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,193

And what about the

time you masturbated

00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,821

to the men's 100-meter

swimming relay

at the Olympics?

00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,572

I was beating off

to the chicks.

00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:35,824

There were no chicks!

00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,159

Oh, damn you, spirit,

haunt me no longer!

00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,953

Admit it!

- No!

00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:41,162

You have to stop lying

to yourself and get--

00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,540

Alright, Alright,

I admit it.

00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,875

I'm gay!

00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,585

I'm... Gay.

00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,463

I'm gay.

00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,589

I am gay!

00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:56,594

You hear that, everyone?

I'm gay, I'm gay!

00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,681

I'm gay and it--

and it feels good.

00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,435

Alright, children,

I hope you all did your--

00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,355

What is going on now?

00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,316

Ha ha, teacher, we're traveling

back in time to third grade.

00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,776

Godammit, you guys,

you seriously said this time

00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:12,527

you'd stand up

and do it with me.

00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,487

Oh, good gravy,

not this again.

00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,656

Yes, we had

a new time machine built,

00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,742

this one out of a simple

microwave oven and a duck.

00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:22,537

Au revoir, Teacher,

perhaps we shall see you

in the past, ha ha.

00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,663

Gentlemen...

00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,373

Children, I will

have order!

00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,292

I can't wait for Gene

Roddenberry to tell you

how wrong you are.

00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:30,170

Just like when you said

there were no two-parters

of "Battlestar Galactica".

00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,005

There weren't!

00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,007

The episode called

"Guys on Ice Planet Zero"

was a two-parter!

00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:35,341

No, it wasn't!!

00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:36,467

Oh, son of

a bitch.

00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:37,927

I'll kill you!

00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,224

There it is,

come on everybody.

00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,476

Children, get back

into your seats.

00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,519

No way, lady.

00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,770

Eric, I mean it.

00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,689

You can suck my balls.

00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:53,610

Present them.

00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,280

What?

00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,698

You said,

"suck my balls".

00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:01,451

Well, go ahead, whip 'em out

and I'll suck 'em.

00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:04,829

Tha-that's what

Mr. Garrison would've said.

00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:07,081

Touché, Teacher, touché.

00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,667

Now, children,

listen to me.

00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:10,919

Why do you want to

go back in time?

00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:14,380

Life isn't about going back,

it's about going forward.

00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,508

Yes, there are times in our life

that we wish we could relive,

00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,886

but if we already lived them

perfectly, why live them again?

00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,181

The adventure of life is that

there's always something new--

00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,642

new challenges,

new experiences.

00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,645

A fun game is a game that

gets harder as it goes.

00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:30,939

So it is with life.

Do you understand?

00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:34,859

Dude... She's right.

00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,111

Yeah, and you know,

00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,988

now that I think about it,

third grade wasn't all that

great either.

00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,157

Yeah, third grade

sucked!

00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,159

Cartman, why the hell did you

try to make us think

third grade was so great?

00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:43,701

Yeah, you suck,

Cartman.

00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:46,329

What?

00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,705

Alright, students,

that will be quite enough.

00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,998

If you're ready,

00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:52,919

let's continue on

with the fourth grade.

00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,088

Dun-dun-duh!

00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,090

Hey, Timmy's back.

00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,008

Dude, it looks like

he's been all over time.

00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,803

He must have such

cool stuff to tell us.

00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,721

Ih-Timmy.

00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,974

You know I'm always here

to help, Principal Victoria.

00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,893

Hey, guess what, everybody,

I'm gay!

00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,020

Mr. Garrison?

- What?

00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,982

I'm as gay as a gymnast

on shore leave!

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,359

You admit it?

You admit it!

00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,486

Oh, that's great,

Mr. Garrison,

00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,989

you've finally come to

terms with yourself.

00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:22,782

Yeah, it feels

really good.

00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,450

Well,

congratulations.

00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:25,451

Yeah,

congratulations.

00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:29,247

You know, I feel like

I can start anew.

00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,291

If it's alright with you,

I will like to go back

00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,918

to teaching

the third grade!

00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:37,046

Oh, I'm sorry, we don't

hire gay people.

00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,723

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,558

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:16,308

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:18,394

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,354

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,106

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:23,774

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:24,608

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:26,861

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:26,986 --> 00:00:30,156

♪ [Mumbling] ♪

00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,782

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,201

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪♪

00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:41,876

Well, here we are, dude, the

first day of fourth grade.

00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:44,754

Yeah, no more getting pushed

around by fourth graders.

00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,505

Get out my way,

you little dorks!

00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,007

Hey, we're fourth

graders now, too.

00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:49,592

Yeah, but now

we're fifth graders,

00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,677

you stupid fourth grader,

so move it!

00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,345

Oh, gay, dude!

00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,722

Dude, we gotta find some

third graders to beat up.

00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,307

Hey, come here.

- What?

00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:57,767

What grade are you going into?

- Third.

00:00:58,893 --> 00:00:59,935

Stupid third grader!

00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:00,352

Yeah, get out of here!

00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,229

Ow.

- Yeah, that's better.

00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:04,106

Y'know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is

some new lady from Denver.

00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,316

Denver?

00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:06,484

Dude, we could

walk all over her.

00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,736

He's right, we have to take

a hard stance right now

00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,613

and establish that

we're the dominant ones in this relationship.

00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,656

Alright, hey,

listen up everybody.

00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:15,034

We need to stand up to

this new teacher and

insert ourselves.

00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:17,912

Let's all do something radical.

- Like what?

00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:21,040

Like, how about right at 8:35

we all jump on our desk,

00:01:21,165 --> 00:01:23,959

pull down our pants and shout

"kiss my ass" all together.

00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,419

[all]Yeah!

- That's perfect.

00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:27,505

But when we pull our pants down

should we stand frontways

or back?

00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:30,132

I mean, do we show our behinds

or our wieners?

00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:34,053

I think showing our asses will

be quite sufficient, Butters.

00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,971

Maybe we could

stand like this,

00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,973

with our wieners poking through

the back of our legs, y'know,

00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,725

give her a nice

fruit bowl.

00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,977

Yeah, or we could

just show our asses.

00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:45,189

Okay, so it's decided,

when the clock hits 8:35

00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,483

we all stand on our desks,

pull down our pants and yell

"kiss my ass".

00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,818

Together we are strong.

00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,444

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,238

Hey, Timmy might need some help

pulling his pants down.

00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,280

We got you

covered, Timmy.

00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:55,199

Timmy!

00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,284

Whoa, dude, this is

our new classroom!

00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:58,869

Look at

all this stuff.

00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:00,454

Hey, what the hell's with

these little half desks?

00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,248

Dude, look at the walls.

00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:04,041

Everything is written in some

strange foreign language.

00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,584

Alright, children,

quiet down.

00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,294

Welcome to

the fourth grade.

00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,130

Holy God, dude.

00:02:09,255 --> 00:02:10,422

[Kenny mumbling]

Her titties are

f--kin' huge!

00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:14,051

My name is

Ms. Choks-on-dik.

00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,762

More like,

"Ms. Makes-me-sick".

00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,430

[snickering]

00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:21,559

Playtime is over, children,

do you understand me?

00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:23,060

I don't know how

your last teacher behaved,

00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,520

but this is

the fourth grade!

00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,230

And it is time

to go to work!

00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:29,358

Heh heh heh--

Kiss my ass!

00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:34,113

Oh, weak, you guys,

seriously weak.

00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,491

Well, young man, I hope you have

a good explanation for this.

00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:39,493

Oh, I'm sure I do.

00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:40,244

This is the fourth grade,

you need to grow up!

00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:43,080

I'm trying.

00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,999

Now get back to your desk

and write a thousand-word essay

00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:47,626

on why you feel you need to

disrupt my class.

00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,044

Fantastic, guys.

00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,547

Now, let us begin

our first day exam.

00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,590

Uh!

Uh!

00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,216

Silence!

00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,718

What a bitch!

00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,636

And did you see

her lazy eye?

00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,221

You can't even tell

who she's looking at.

00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,806

You guys are

all such pussies!

00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,266

I can't take it, man!

00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,977

Writing in cursive, fractions--

I can't do it!

00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,229

This is it,

the end of innocence.

00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,856

This is the loss of that

playful youth all our parents

warned us about.

00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,525

I just didn't think

it would come so soon.

00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,235

Yeah, only now

do we realize

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,571

how much we all took

the third grade for granted.

- Huh?

00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,406

Everything was great

in third grade,

00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:21,118

And now that it's all over

we're starting to see

just how special it was.

00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:25,539

[touching piano music]

♪ Remember how it used to be

in the third grade ♪

00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,541

♪ We used to laugh and play

and cherish each day ♪

00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:30,169

♪ In the third grade ♪

00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:33,172

♪ We learned wondrous things

from our teacher so nice ♪

00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:36,217

♪ Sat on marshmallow desks

with teddy-bear smiles ♪

00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,802

♪ The world seemed to

all make sense ♪

00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,429

♪ But that sense seems

to slowly fade ♪

00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,724

♪ After third grade ♪

00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,435

♪ In third grade we used to

write with crayons ♪

00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,480

♪ We would make sparkly pictures

with glitter and glue ♪

00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:52,316

♪ We had warm cookies

and hearts full of love ♪

00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,069

♪ And there wasn't a care

in the world for me ♪

00:03:55,194 --> 00:03:57,279

♪ Or for you ♪

00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,906

♪ There's not a thing

in this life ♪

00:03:59,031 --> 00:03:59,782

♪ That I wouldn't trade ♪

00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,409

♪ Just to go back

for one minute ♪

00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:06,747

♪ To third grade ♪

00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,085

[sobbing]

00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,587

Wow, I had already

forgotten how great

third grade was.

00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,256

Oh, sure was.

00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,882

Wish I was

still there.

00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,218

Hey, that's it-we gotta

go back to third grade.

00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:19,969

How?

00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,429

We travel

back in time.

00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,431

Oh, yeah,

time travel!

00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,392

How we gonna do that?

Does it hurt?

00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,143

I don't wanna do it

if it hurts.

00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:30,104

Or if it makes you

get all sticky.

00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,064

It can't be that bad,

people do it on TV all the time.

00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,191

Yeah, we just have to

find somebody who knows how to do it.

00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,859

What about those two college

guys next door to me?

00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:37,736

They're always doing science experiments

in their basement.

00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,322

Yeah, if there's a way

to travel back in time,

those two dorks will know how.

00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:41,615

When it comes to

time travel theory

00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:44,243

there are basically

two schools of thought.

00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:47,079

The "Spock Theory" is that

a slingshot around the sun

00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,581

could create a wormhole

in which time could not escape.

00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,875

The "LT. Commander

Data Theory", however,

00:04:52,001 --> 00:04:56,171

is that a magnetic vibration

could create a rip in the

time-space continuum--

00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:58,590

Look, whatever it takes,

we just have to get back

to third grade.

00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,134

Time travel

is no laughing matter.

00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:02,511

Four times the "enterprise"

traveled back in time

00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,805

and four times they almost

didn't make it back.

00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,390

We don't want to make it back,

we want to stay there.

00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,684

Ohh.

- So, can you do it?

00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,602

It's all theoretical, but from

a scientific standpoint

00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,980

the creation of a rip

in space-time is possible.

00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:15,399

We just need to find

an inertia device.

00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:18,819

Hey, this kid's electric

wheelchair might be

just what we need.

00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:21,196

Ti-Timmy.

00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:24,116

This new fourth-grade teacher

is driving me nuts.

00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,951

What's the problem?

00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,079

You see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik

has very large, uh, honkers

00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:32,166

and she doesn't seem to like

wearing a bra.

00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:33,625

You call that

a problem?

00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:34,960

That sounds like

heaven to me.

00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,880

No, it's really not as nice

as you might imagine, Chef.

00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,631

Principal Victoria,

I would like a word.

00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:42,968

Ooh, call the doctor!

00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,095

My new students are the most

misbehaved, illiterate,

00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,639

brain-dead group of children

I've ever come across.

00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,851

Well, Ms. Choksondik,

those children did fairly well

in the third grade.

00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,353

One of them is mentally

handicapped for Christ's sake!

00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:53,771

Oh, which one?

00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:57,274

The one

in the wheelchair!

00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,443

Look, I would like to

have a talk with their

last year's teacher.

00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,696

Who was it,

Mister, uh, Garrison?

00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,656

I'm afraid

that's impossible.

00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:07,326

Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since

the last school year ended.

00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:08,285

Why, where did he go?

00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,789

We... don't like

to talk about it.

00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,957

But I need help

reaching these kids!

00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,126

I have nothing but the highest

expectations for them.

00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,211

And with God

as my witness...

00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,837

Ohh!

- Ahh!

00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,339

I'm going to teach these kids

the wonders of the world

00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,673

so that they can

reach the top!

00:06:21,799 --> 00:06:23,175

Arhh!

00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,009

I hope that sometime very soon

you will let me in

00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,970

on what happened

to this Mr. Garrison.

00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:27,971

And with that I will

bid you good day.

00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:31,725

Well, sure thing, fine,

bye-bye then.

00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,067

Alright, when we power up

the handicapped kid's chair

00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,861

we'll accelerate at

a high rate of speed

about 10 feet that way,

00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,531

then make the required

magnetic vibrations.

00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,449

If the fields are right,

it should then create

a wormhole

00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,493

up near the front

of the classroom.

00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,453

You guys don't actually think

this is going to work, do you?

00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,414

Now, when you all see

the wormhole,

00:06:53,539 --> 00:06:56,792

you guys are gonna have about

4.2 seconds to run through it.

00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,962

And on the other side,

you will find yourself

in the exact same spot,

00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,922

only, one year ago.

00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,257

Back in the

third grade.

00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,967

Cool.

Cool.

00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,593

I can't wait until the

teacher yells at us this time

00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,095

and we all tell her

to suck our balls.

00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,431

Yeah!

- Oh, here she comes.

00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:11,640

Alright, children,

I hope you all did your

homework last night.

00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,058

Please pass your papers

up to the front.

00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,186

Suck my balls!

00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,772

Oh, God dammit, you guys,

I'm so seriously.

00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,401

I said, pass your papers

to the front.

00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,736

We didn't do our homework,

Ms. Makes-me-sick,

00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:26,572

we didn't feel like it.

00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,574

It's Choksondik, and you are

all going to have detention!

00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,160

Ha, ha, sure right

you are, teacher.

00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,953

I'm afraid we have

different plans.

00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,288

Gentlemen.

00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,747

Primary fusion

initiated.

00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,082

Molecular grenadine

active.

00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,208

What are you doing?

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,461

We're going back in time

to the third grade.

00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,754

Good-bye, teacher, perhaps we

shall see you in another year.

00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,214

Ha ha!

00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,633

Timmy!!

00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,510

Timmy!

00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:56,143

I didn't think

it would work.

- Me neither.

00:07:56,268 --> 00:08:00,063

Well, well, well,

I'd say somebody has

some explaining to do.

00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,482

You're damn right

they do!

00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,066

Dude, Timmy's chair's packed

with all that stuff.

00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:03,942

We gotta help him!

00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,444

Yeah, come on.

00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:07,279

Children, children,

come back here!

00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,447

[horn honking]

00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,741

Ahhh!

00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:11,909

Timmy,

you have to stop.

00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,285

No!

- No?

00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,661

Look, the system

malfunctioned.

00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,788

If he stops, the nuclear core

could break his magnetic field

00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,624

and the whole chair

will blow sky-high.

00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:19,875

What?

00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:20,959

Timmy, you gotta

get off that chair!

00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,711

No!

- No?

00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:23,879

We rigged the chair to be

sensitive to his weight,

00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,048

if he gets off

the whole thing blows.

00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,091

So if Timmy drops his speed

below five miles an hour

the chair blows

00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,510

and if he gets off

the chair blows?

00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,386

Yep.

- My God.

00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:35,140

It's been over three hours

since the police first

showed up on the scene

00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,143

of a handicap boy's wheelchair

set with explosives.

00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,229

Over here, over here!

00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,689

The child can't stop

or get off the chair

without risking explosion,

00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,858

and so the SWAT team will now

attempt to disarm the device.

00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:47,444

Timmy!

00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,323

Closer!

00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:54,910

Don't worry, son, just

watch your speed and stay still.

00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,245

Look out, Hanson!

00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:56,870

Oh!

00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,539

Timmy!

00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,999

Dear Jesus,

hang on lady!

00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,459

Oh my God,

what's going on?

00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:03,919

Ma'am,

be very careful,

00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,754

that wheelchair

is set to explode.

00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,089

What?! Ahh!!

00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,757

Oh my God,

oh my God!

00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,468

It's okay, just stay calm

and keep the speed above five.

00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:12,970

Okay, okay.

00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:14,638

Oh my God.

- Ti-Timmy.

00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,223

Okay, I've got

the speed at five.

00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,307

Good.

00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:20,435

What's the wheelchair's

battery power at?

00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,937

Oh my God, less than

20 minutes!!

00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:26,316

Less than 20 minutes?

- Oh, no, what have we done?

00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,695

What do you think,

too forward?

00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,989

I have had it!

- Ahh!

00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,740

These children

are out of control.

00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:37,911

I must speak with their last

year's teacher, Mr. Garrison.

00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,621

As we said before,

that's impossible.

00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,457

What in God's name

happened to him?

00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,501

Uh, Ms. Choksondik,

00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,921

Mr. Garrison had several,

uh, emotional issues.

00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,382

He was a closet homosexual

who hated gay people.

00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,343

When ever someone asked him

if he was gay, he'd go nuts.

00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,972

Then he was accused of trying to

solicit sex from a young boy.

00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,974

After being dismissed

from teaching

00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,810

he went off to write

romance novels.

00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,229

His first novel sold very well

and everything was fine

00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,858

until he found out that his

novel won the Gay Pulitzer Prize

00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:11,778

and was considered the best

homoerotic novel since

"Huckleberry Finn".

00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,989

He finally snapped and

had a nervous breakdown

00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,617

and went up into

the mountains to

live in solitude.

00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:17,534

Some say that

on cold nights

00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,537

you can still hear

him moaning,

00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,790

"I'm not gay,

I'm not gay."

00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:28,003

[distant yell]

I'm not gay!

00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,755

And nobody

has found him?

00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,923

Well, we haven't

really looked.

00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,634

I see.

00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:35,802

Then the only way I'll find the

secret to teaching these kids

00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,971

is to go up into those mountains

and find Mr. Garrison myself.

00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,266

But he could be anywhere

up high in those mountains.

00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,309

Oh, I'll find him.

00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:45,395

Even if I have to climb

up and up and up--

00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:46,063

No!

00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,231

What?

00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,941

Oh my God,

oh my God!

00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,319

Tom, I'm standing about

two miles outside of Denver

00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,655

where the darling handicap boy

fights for his life

00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:55,781

on a wheelchair of death.

00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:58,700

Guys, can you tell us

what kind of explosives

00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,661

we're actually

dealing with here?

00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,746

Uh, well, it's a simple

hydrogen fusion core

00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:03,955

with a veltic reactor.

00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:06,083

It just turned into

a time bomb.

00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,585

This has never happened

in all the 72 original

"Star Trek" episodes.

00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,546

Yeah-wait, you mean

73 episodes.

00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:12,464

No, there were 72.

00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:13,674

No there weren't!

00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:16,301

Oh, you're

such a nerd!

00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,555

Tom, I understand that now

the rescuers are gonna

00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:23,892

try and send in one of the

handicap boy's little friends

00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,813

in an attempt to keep him calm

and hopefully disarm the device.

00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:30,691

It's alright,

everything's gonna be fine.

- Oh my God!

00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,901

Alright, young man, when you

get underneath that wheelchair

00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:33,985

I want you to relay back to me

with this walkie-talkie

00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:35,529

and then I'll tell you

which wires to cross.

00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,614

Ready?

- Let's go!

00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,616

Go blue!

00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:44,121

Hey guys.

00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,249

Okay-ahh!

00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:54,214

Well, who didn't

see that coming?

00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,924

Oh my God,

oh my God!

00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:56,967

Stay calm,

you have to stay calm!

00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:58,760

But if we get off the chair

it blows up!

00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,471

No, no, that's only

if the boy gets off.

00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,432

Oh... See ya!

- Timmy!

00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,392

10 seconds, Hanson!

00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,018

9, 8...

00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:07,352

Please help me.

00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,604

6, 5...

00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,857

Got it, I think.

Up, up!

00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:12,190

[electronic beeping]

00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,735

Timmy!

00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:26,496

Hey, it did work.

00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:34,004

[crows squawking]

00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,425

[straining]

00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,475

Hellooo?

00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,894

Oh, what am I doing,

I'm gonna get myself killed.

00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:52,731

Is anyone here?

00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,316

[hisses]

00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,651

Mr... Mr. Garrison?

00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,321

Who are you?

What do you want?

00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,280

I'm the new

fourth-grade teacher,

00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:04,075

I've come to

seek your help.

00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:07,370

Please, I don't know how to

handle the new fourth graders,

00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:08,747

I've tried everything.

00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,791

I need to know how

you taught them.

00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:15,629

No, no, I haven't taught

in over eight months.

00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,839

Mr. Garrison, you knew

how to reach these kids,

00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,466

you're my only hope.

00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,885

Do you know what it is

to be a teacher, Ms...

00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,053

Choksondik.

00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,596

No I don't, it's a lie!

00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,556

You see, that's what you get

for being a teacher.

00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:27,557

You work and you work

for the children

00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,018

and then people start rumors

that you're gay

00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,603

even though you

love poontang!

00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,605

Mr. Garrison, these

children are depending on me

to give them a future.

00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:37,025

I can't do it without your

guidance, please help me.

00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,570

For them, for the future

of our children.

00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,696

200 bucks.

00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,323

Done.

00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,699

Dude, you gotta build us

another time machine.

00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:45,408

Huh? Oh, can't.

00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,576

What do you mean "can't"?

00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,745

You made it work,

just build another one.

00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,539

I can't because

pizza-face isn't here.

00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,415

We're not on

speaking terms.

00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:53,375

We got in a big fight and he

moved all his stuff out.

00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,710

What did you get in

a fight about?

00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,587

There's 73 original

"Star Treks",

00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,339

he keeps saying

there's 72!

00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,382

Oh, Jesus Christ,

you've gotta be kidding me.

00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,510

No, he actually thinks

there's 72.

00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:05,679

Look, can't you just build us

another machine without him?

00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,264

No, pizza-face took

all his equipment home

to his mom's.

00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:10,684

Now, if you can go over there

and get him to admit

that he's wrong...

00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,937

Alright,

come on guys.

00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,731

Man, I can't believe

we have to do this while

Timmy's already back in time.

00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,191

Yeah, Timmy's probably back

in third grade right now

living it up!

00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:21,152

[pterodactyl shrieking]

00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:26,366

Timmy!

00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,326

Timmy, ahh!

00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:35,959

Alright,

let's try it again.

00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,421

Children, we are now going to

do math problems.

00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,340

But teacher, I don't want

to do my math problems.

00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:45,343

You will do them or else you'll

be in very big trouble.

00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:47,178

Well, I'm not goin' to

do it, teacher,

00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,139

You can just

suck my balls.

00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:50,974

Don't use that kind of

language, young man.

00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,435

No!

- No?

00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,896

Look, you can't counter

a profane command with

an idle threat.

00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,148

You must extinguish it

with a vulgar suggestion.

00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:00,734

When a child says

"suck my balls", you say,

00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,694

"present them".

00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:03,361

Oh.

00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:06,197

Now, let's try it again.

00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,702

Suck my balls!

00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,120

Present them.

00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,581

Good... Very good.

00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:17,751

You're ready to move on

to the next level.

00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,669

But I warn you,

00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,339

we will now be diving deep

into your own psyche.

00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,299

These children know

what scares you

00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,468

and so, we too

must face those demons.

00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,719

I'm ready,

I'm not afraid.

00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:31,681

[Yoda-like]

You will be, you will be.

00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,184

[coughs]

You will be.

00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,897

God dammit,

this is ridiculous.

00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:40,315

What?

00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,817

Dude, can you please just stop

fighting with your friend

00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,653

and build another machine

so we can travel back in time

to the third grade?

00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,739

Look, there aren't 73 episodes

of Star Trek, there are 72!

00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,575

"The Menagerie" was a two-parter

that counts as one episode.

00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,160

Pizza-face is wrong.

00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,537

Who the hell cares?

- I know!

00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,665

Why does he have to be

such a dick about it it?

00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,249

Won't it be better to just

agree with him and just

forget the whole thing?

00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,085

No, because he's wrong!

00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,336

Look, you guys built a machine

together that can bend time.

00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,339

If you'll just

agree with him

00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,883

you can build another one

and usher in a whole new

era of science.

00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,427

And live in a world of

72 original Star Treks?

I don't think so.

00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:13,848

I don't want to live

in that world.

00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,058

God, these guys are such

geek dumb-asses!

00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,769

I know.

00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,479

Yeah, they don't even realize

that "the menagerie"

00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,190

originally was the pilot

and later got split up

into two episodes.

00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,733

[chuckles]

00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:26,987

[chuckles]

Those dumb-asses.

00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:28,571

Wait a minute,

I've got it.

00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,073

What?

00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,075

Dude, if you guys build

another time machine

00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,286

you can travel

back in time and ask

the creator of Star Trek

00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,414

how many episodes

there were!

00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,333

Dear Jesus,

you're right.

00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:45,255

This is it,

the tree of insight.

00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,383

You must go in and

face what lives inside.

00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,759

What lives inside?

00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:52,387

Hell if I know,

I wouldn't go in there.

00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,014

Alrighty.

00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,768

Well?

00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:02,439

What the-well, there's

nothing in here but an exit

to the other side.

00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:05,358

There's nothing

in here at all.

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,403

Oh, and I actually thought my

mental demons would be in here.

00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:12,615

Wait a minute, maybe there's not

supposed to be anything in here.

00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:17,495

Maybe I'm supposed to see that

I alone do have the strength

to reach the kids.

00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:21,166

I think I get it now.

00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:23,752

[sighs]

00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,921

Hey, hurry up

in there!

00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:29,174

Jesus, you're taking too long

in the damn tree of insight!

00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:34,095

You in there?

00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,973

Hey, where the hell

did she go?

00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:40,143

What the?

00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:41,352

Ahh!

00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,562

Who-who are you?

00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:45,815

I am you,

I am your gay side.

00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,234

My gay side...

I don't have a gay side!

00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:52,072

You must face me

at last.

00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,620

You aren't real,

you can't be.

00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,415

It is me, your darkest fear,

your gay self incarnate.

00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,917

What do you want?

00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,001

I want you to not

fight me anymore,

00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:08,088

to accept me

once and for all.

00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,756

Why?

- Don't you see?

00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:12,300

All these years,

your pain, your confusion--

00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,470

it comes from one place,

your denial of who you are,

00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,305

of who we are.

00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,891

But I'm not gay,

everyone just thinks I am.

00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,059

Oh, stop it!

00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:22,727

What about the time

you looked at

00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:23,937

Counselor Mackie's penis

in the men's locker room?

00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,606

I was just

comparing size!

00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,233

For seven minutes?

- Ah!

00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,193

And what about the

time you masturbated

00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,821

to the men's 100-meter

swimming relay

at the Olympics?

00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,572

I was beating off

to the chicks.

00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:35,824

There were no chicks!

00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,159

Oh, damn you, spirit,

haunt me no longer!

00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,953

Admit it!

- No!

00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:41,162

You have to stop lying

to yourself and get--

00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,540

Alright, Alright,

I admit it.

00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,875

I'm gay!

00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,585

I'm... Gay.

00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,463

I'm gay.

00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,589

I am gay!

00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:56,594

You hear that, everyone?

I'm gay, I'm gay!

00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,681

I'm gay and it--

and it feels good.

00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:04,435

Alright, children,

I hope you all did your--

00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:07,355

What is going on now?

00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,316

Ha ha, teacher, we're traveling

back in time to third grade.

00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,776

Godammit, you guys,

you seriously said this time

00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:12,527

you'd stand up

and do it with me.

00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,487

Oh, good gravy,

not this again.

00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,656

Yes, we had

a new time machine built,

00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,742

this one out of a simple

microwave oven and a duck.

[quacks]

00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:22,537

Au revoir, Teacher,

perhaps we shall see you

in the past, ha ha.

00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,663

Gentlemen...

00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,373

Children, I will

have order!

00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,292

I can't wait for Gene

Roddenberry to tell you

how wrong you are.

00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:30,170

Just like when you said

there were no two-parters

of "Battlestar Galactica".

00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,005

There weren't!

00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,007

The episode called

"Guys on Ice Planet Zero"

was a two-parter!

00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:35,341

No, it wasn't!!

00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:36,467

Oh, son of

a bitch.

00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:37,927

I'll kill you!

00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,224

There it is,

come on everybody.

00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,476

Children, get back

into your seats.

00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,519

No way, lady.

00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,770

Eric, I mean it.

00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,689

You can suck my balls.

00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:53,610

Present them.

00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,280

What?

00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,698

You said,

"suck my balls".

00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:01,451

Well, go ahead, whip 'em out

and I'll suck 'em.

00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:04,829

Tha-that's what

Mr. Garrison would've said.

00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:07,081

Touché, Teacher, touché.

00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,667

Now, children,

listen to me.

00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:10,919

Why do you want to

go back in time?

00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:14,380

Life isn't about going back,

it's about going forward.

00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,508

Yes, there are times in our life

that we wish we could relive,

00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,886

but if we already lived them

perfectly, why live them again?

00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,181

The adventure of life is that

there's always something new--

00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:25,642

new challenges,

new experiences.

00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,645

A fun game is a game that

gets harder as it goes.

00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:30,939

So it is with life.

Do you understand?

00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:34,859

Dude... She's right.

00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,111

Yeah, and you know,

00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,988

now that I think about it,

third grade wasn't all that

great either.

00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,157

Yeah, third grade

sucked!

00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,159

Cartman, why the hell did you

try to make us think

third grade was so great?

00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:43,701

Yeah, you suck,

Cartman.

00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:46,329

What?

00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,705

Alright, students,

that will be quite enough.

00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,998

If you're ready,

00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:52,919

let's continue on

with the fourth grade.

00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,088

Dun-dun-duh!

00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,090

Hey, Timmy's back.

00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,008

[Stan]

Dude, it looks like

he's been all over time.

00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,803

He must have such

cool stuff to tell us.

00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,721

Ih-Timmy.

00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,974

You know I'm always here

to help, Principal Victoria.

00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,893

Hey, guess what, everybody,

I'm gay!

00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,020

Mr. Garrison?

- What?

00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,982

I'm as gay as a gymnast

on shore leave!

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,359

You admit it?

You admit it!

00:21:16,484 --> 00:21:18,486

Oh, that's great,

Mr. Garrison,

00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,989

you've finally come to

terms with yourself.

00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:22,782

Yeah, it feels

really good.

00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,450

Well,

congratulations.

00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:25,451

Yeah,

congratulations.

00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:29,247

You know, I feel like

I can start anew.

00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,291

If it's alright with you,

I will like to go back

00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,918

to teaching

the third grade!

00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:37,046

Oh, I'm sorry, we don't

hire gay people.

00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,339

[laughing]