Попадают ли умственно отсталые в ад?

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♪ Gonna have myself

a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:18,853

♪ Gonna leave

my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,978 --> 00:00:20,688

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,440

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:23,733

♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,281

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet

some friends of mine ♪

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♪ I walk hand in hand

with Jesus ♪

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♪ Over at the park

by where he lives ♪

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♪ I tell him all my problems

and sometimes he tells me his ♪

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♪ What a friend I have

in Jesus ♪

00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:49,759

♪ I can say that honestly ♪

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♪ He's unlike all

other friends ♪

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♪ Who really don't care

about me ♪

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♪ Amen ♪

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Boring.

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And now Mr. Mackey

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will read his favorite psalm

for us, Psalm 46.

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"God is our refuge

and strength," mkay?

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"a very present help

in trouble," mkay?

00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:10,529

Hey, you guys,

you want to know

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what my favorite psalm is?

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"it's a man's obligation

to stick his boneration

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"in a woman's separation.

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"this sort of penetration

will increase the population

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of the younger generation."

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"God is in the midst

of her," mkay?

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"she shall not be moved," mkay?

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Wait, wait, wait.

"It's a man's obligation

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to stick his boneration

in the woman's--"

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"it's a man's obligation

to stick his boneration

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"in a woman's separation

to increase the population

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of the younger generation."

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No, no, it's her separation.

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"it's a man's obligation

to stick his boneration

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in a woman's--"

- Boys! You are in church!

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Oh!

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"The God of Jacob

is our refuge," mkay?

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Thank you, Mr. Mackey.

Hello, everyone.

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Today we are going to talk

about Hell.

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Hell is not a very nice place.

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Burning, searing flames,

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screaming,

torture for eternity.

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Once you are in Hell,

you cannot escape.

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You live forever in horrible

pain and burning agony.

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All sinners are there in misery,

dying over and over and over.

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If you be cast down

into this black bog of stench,

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then woe is thou,

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for Satan has made it the most

miserable place in the universe.

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And he will be your ruler!

Your ruler of pain and agony!

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♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

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♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

hukilau ♪

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♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

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♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

huki, hukilau ♪

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♪ Everybody loves

the hukilau ♪

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I do.

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♪ Where the laulau

is the kaukau at the luau ♪

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♪ We throw our nets

out into the sea ♪

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♪ All the 'ama'ama

come a-swimming to me ♪

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♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

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♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

hukilau ♪

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♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

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♪ The huki, huki, huki,

huki, huki, hukilau ♪

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♪ Everybody loves

the hukilau ♪

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♪ Where the laulau

is the kaukau at the luau ♪

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♪ We throw our nets

out into the sea ♪

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♪ All the 'ama'ama

come a-swimming to me ♪

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♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

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♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

hukilau ♪

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♪ Luki-luki-lau ♪

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Yeah!

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Ow!

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Great luau, Satan.

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Thanks.

See you, Gary.

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Thanks for coming.

Oh, bye, Marcia.

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Satan, a few of us are gonna

go pound some brews.

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You want to join us?

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Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau,

but I can't.

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Chris and I just moved

to the west side

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and we have to unpack.

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Oh, well.

Maybe next time.

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Great Luau.

Bye.

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Chris?

- Yeah?

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Did you, uh, see my

boy-with-an-umbrella hummel?

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No, but there's still some

boxes coming from the movers.

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Oh, okay.

Thanks.

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Oh, that must be them now.

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Just put the boxes by the--

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Hello, Satan.

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Saddam.

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Did you miss me, buttercup?

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No, it can't be.

You're dead.

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I killed you.

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Yeah, you killed me.

So?

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Where was I gonna go, Detroit?

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Oh, no.

Oh, God, no.

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A place of everlasting

agony and pain,

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Hell awaits all sinners

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and all who do not accept

Christ.

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Children in this town

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have not been attending

Sunday school after mass,

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and adults have not been coming

to confession.

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If this does not change,

I promise you:

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you will all be going

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to the black pit

of Satan's world.

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That is all.

Peace be with you.

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Well, that was quite

an uplifting sermon.

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Yeah.

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Mom, we're staying

for Sunday school.

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What?

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We have to go to Sunday school

so we don't burn.

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Yeah.

I'll see you later, Mom.

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Oh, now look at that.

They're scared to death.

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Hell is a very real place,

Mr. And Mrs. Marsh.

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I'm trying to save their souls

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and the souls of everyone

in this town

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from the wretched lake of fire.

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Come on, guy.

Just let me in so we can talk.

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I don't want to talk to you,

Saddam.

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This isn't what I need

in my life right now.

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Is that the movers, Satan?

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Uh, yeah.

Yeah, it's just the movers.

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Oh, well, tell them

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I'm leaving

their check on the counter.

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Okay, Chris.

- Say, look.

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I know our relationship

wasn't perfect, okay?

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I know that.

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I was too busy trying to take

over the world

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to give you what you needed,

but I've changed, Satan.

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Oh, like I haven't heard

that before.

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Come on!

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Can't we just go out

for a burrito?

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Me gusta burrito mucho!

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I can't, Saddam.

I'm with Chris now.

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Who? Screw him!

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He can't pound your ass

like I can.

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Good-bye, Saddam.

- Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

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But, Satan, you can't deny

what's between us.

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You can try,

but you know we belong together.

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My life is good now, Saddam.

Chris treats me well.

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You and I are through.

Good-bye.

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Aw, come on, guy!

Give me a break!

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Hello, children.

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I'm Sister Anne,

and I'll be teaching you

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so that you can all receive

your first communion.

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Are we gonna go to Hell?

- Well, hopefully not.

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That's why you're gonna need

to receive communion.

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And as long as we get this

communion thing, we're safe?

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What if we haven't really

done anything

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that horribly bad in our lives?

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Yeah, what if we hadn't?

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It doesn't matter,

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because we are all born

with original sin.

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Now let me explain

how communion works.

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The priest will give you

this round cracker,

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and he will say,

"the body of Christ,"

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and then you eat it.

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Jesus was made of crackers?

- No.

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But crackers are his body.

- Yes.

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What?

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In the Book of Mark,

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Jesus distributed bread

and said,

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"eat this, for it is my body."

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So we won't go to Hell

as long as we eat crackers.

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No, no, no, no.

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Well, what are we eating,

then?

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The body of Christ.

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No, no, no.

I get it.

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Jesus wanted us to eat him

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but he didn't want us

to be cannibals,

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so he turned himself

into crackers

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and then told people to eat him.

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No!

- No?

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I can't whistle

if I eat too many crackers.

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Look, all you have to know

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is that when the priest gives

you the cracker, you eat it.

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- Okay?

- Okay.

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And then you will drink

a very small amount of wine,

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for that is the blood of Christ.

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Oh, come on, now.

This is just getting silly.

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Eric, do you want to go

to Hell?

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No.

- Then stop questioning me.

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But now we can have communion

and not go to Hell, right?

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No, because before you can

take your first communion,

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you have to have

your first confession.

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Confession?

00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:08,011

You'll be getting

in the confession box

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with a priest and confessing

all your sins

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so that God can forgive you.

00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,141

You kids will all have to go

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to your first confession

this Tuesday,

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so I want you

all to go home tonight

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and think long and hard

about all your sins

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so that you can tell the priest

everything.

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Oh, shit.

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Those were some great

pork chops, Satan.

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Yeah.

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Hey, you, you've been acting

strange all night.

00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,412

What's up?

- Nothing. Why?

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Well, it's just that you've

washed that same dish

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seven times now, silly.

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Oh, sorry.

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Come on, Satan, you know

you can tell me anything.

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What's up?

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Well, Chris, Saddam showed up

today.

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Oh, wow.

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Wasn't ready for that.

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He showed up spouting

all kinds of things

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about how he's changed

and he still loves me.

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I thought you killed him.

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Yeah, well,

where was he gonna go, Detroit?

00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,065

Do you still love him?

- No, Chris.

00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,066

It's okay if you do.

00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:05,068

Well, I mean...

00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:08,238

of course there's a part of me

that will always love him.

00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:09,990

But I also know

how abusive he was.

00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,492

I'm much happier with you.

00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:12,826

Well, you know what I think

we should do?

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:13,952

I think we should all

get together

00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,496

and just talk like adults.

00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:17,039

What?

00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,040

We're all grown men here,

Satan.

00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,333

I want to just go meet this guy.

00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:20,709

No, Chris,

you don't understand.

00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,377

Saddam is fucking crazy.

00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,630

I know he's got the whole

"bad boy" thing going,

00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,298

and I think that's what you

were attracted to.

00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,175

But I can be a pretty rough

tumbler myself.

00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,384

Oops!

00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:30,719

Aw, butternuts!

00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,559

Okay, let's see.

Uh, oh, yeah.

00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,685

There was the time

we threw a fish

00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,145

into the bus driver's hair

00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,438

and she didn't find it

for seven days...

00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:42,439

Oh, yeah. Okay.

00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:43,607

And then there was the time

00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:44,733

we held that

little first grader down

00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:45,734

and farted on him

for 28 minutes.

00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:46,944

Right.

I already got that one.

00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:48,403

Hey, dudes.

What are you doing?

00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:49,905

We're trying to remember

all our sins.

00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:50,697

Sister Anne told us we have

to confess all our sins,

00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:51,782

or else we're gonna go to Hell.

00:08:51,907 --> 00:08:53,075

What?

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,243

Have you confessed

all your sins yet?

00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:55,619

No!

- Dude, he's Jewish.

00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:56,286

He doesn't have to confess

his sins.

00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:57,871

Oh, good.

I don't?

00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:58,705

Yeah, you're already

going to Hell.

00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,457

I am not!

- You are too!

00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:01,833

Dude, this lady told us if

you don't confess all your sins

00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:02,543

and you don't eat crackers

and drink wine,

00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:03,544

then you go to Hell, period.

00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:04,878

I'm gonna go ask my mom.

00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,588

Now, let's see.

00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,173

What about the time we set

Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?

00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,800

Oh, right.

That was mostly Kenny's fault.

00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,552

What?

- You guys! You guys!

00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,803

We just thought of something!

00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:14,263

What, Butters?

00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,139

Well, what about

the handicapped kid, Timmy?

00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:18,141

Timmy!

- What did we do to Timmy?

00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,686

No, I mean poor Timmy's gonna

go to Hell.

00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:21,979

He can't confess his sins,

00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:23,188

'cause all he can say

is his name.

00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,898

Timmy!

- Oh, yeah. You're right.

00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,942

I guess Timmy's pretty screwed.

- Oh, man.

00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,777

We can't let Timmy go to Hell.

We have to do something!

00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:29,820

What are we gonna do?

00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,154

I don't know.

00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,614

I don't know

what we're gonna do.

00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,827

I don't know

what I'm gonna do.

00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:38,912

I can't deny my feelings

for Saddam,

00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,832

but my life is so much

better now with Chris.

00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:48,005

Yeah, it's like Chris

is so perfect in every way,

00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,756

but there's just something

about Saddam

00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:51,341

that I'm much more

attracted to.

00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:57,431

In what way?

00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:58,724

Yeah, you're right.

00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:01,268

Saddam would just

treat me bad again.

00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,396

I'm just gonna have to not see

Saddam, put him out of my mind,

00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,106

and focus on Chris.

00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,691

If I don't see Saddam,

00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,526

then I won't have

such strong feelings for him.

00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:10,611

Thanks, guys.

00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:13,572

There you are.

- Oh, hi, Chris.

00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,032

I've been looking

all over for you.

00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,241

I have to tell you something

00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,868

that might make you

a little mad.

00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,119

What?

00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,871

Well, I called Saddam Hussein

00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,372

and invited him over

for dinner tonight.

00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,249

You what?

00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,834

I just think we all need

to get this out in the open.

00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,503

Oh, Chris!

Rarr!

00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,213

Rah!

00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,049

Come on, Satan,

we're all adults here.

00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:33,884

He was an important person

in your life,

00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,511

for better or for worse,

so I want to know him.

00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:38,221

If he sees

that I'm a real person too,

00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,766

then, well, maybe he'll see

how happy we are together.

00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:43,685

No, Chris, he'll try

to kill you is what he'll do.

00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,854

Satan, we're not

in junior high school anymore.

00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,522

Oh, dear God.

00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:50,984

Hail, Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee.

00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,319

Blessed art thou amongst--"

How was it?

00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,987

Oh, dude, you screwed me up!

- Huh?

00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:55,864

The guy in there said

I have to say 54 Hail Marys.

00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,366

Now I can't remember if I was

on number seven or eight.

00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,034

Who's in there?

- I don't know.

00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,118

You can't see him.

It's just some anonymous guy.

00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,330

Well, here goes everything.

00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,999

Uh, forgive me, Father,

for I have sinned.

00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:07,876

Blessed art thou, child.

00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,753

Now, what do you have

to confess?

00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,380

Well, let's see.

00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,006

I'd like to start, if I may,

back when I was 2 1/2.

00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,008

It was a cold April morning,

and the dew on the grass

00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,718

was frozen like tiny beads

of glass.

00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,220

Hail, Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee.

00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,221

Bless--

Hey, dude.

00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,014

God damn it!

- What?

00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,265

Ooh! There's Sister Anne.

We got to ask her about Timmy.

00:11:22,391 --> 00:11:23,725

Sister Anne...

- Oh, Hello, children.

00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,811

We have a question.

- Okay, shoot.

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,646

Where do handicapped people go

when they die?

00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,107

The handicapped are just

people like you and me,

00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,400

so the same rules apply:

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,984

they need to be baptized,

take communion,

00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,486

and confess their sins.

00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:35,904

But our friend Timmy

can't really talk.

00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:36,988

All he can do

is say his own name,

00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,448

so he can't really confess

his sins.

00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:39,825

So is he going to go to Hell?

00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,785

Uh, this really isn't

a question for me.

00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,036

It's for the priest.

00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,414

I'll see if I can find him.

Bye.

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,457

And that was about everything

from first grade.

00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:49,209

Then last year, well--

00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,628

you can't tell anybody

about this stuff, right?

00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,296

Your confession

00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:54,840

does not leave this box.

00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,008

Okay, because last year,

I took a sandwich

00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,927

that the priest of this church

had been eating.

00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,345

Oh.

00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:04,015

Well, I'm sure he would

forgive you if he knew.

00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,517

No, but I'm not finished yet.

00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,727

I took the sandwich

that the priest was eating,

00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:07,728

took the piece of ham

out of it,

00:12:07,853 --> 00:12:09,271

put it between my butt cheeks,

00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,357

and then put the sandwich back

and watched him eat it.

00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:13,817

I see.

00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:14,776

Yeah, and then this

other time,

00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,486

I went pee-pee

in the holy water thing,

00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,113

and the priest blessed himself

on the forehead with it

00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,406

every day for about a week.

00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,616

And then this one time,

I was at the park

00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:23,160

and the priest was out

walking his dog,

00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:24,995

and I went number two

on the sidewalk

00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,955

and then told Officer Barbrady

that it was the priest's dog,

00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,498

and so the priest

got fined, like, $100

00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,499

for not cleaning it up.

00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,209

And then this one time,

00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,295

I put super glue

all over the priest's Bible--

00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,546

Ow!

Oh, Jesus!

00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,923

Oh! No! Ow!

00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,093

Father, I need to talk to you.

00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,304

Father?

I have to ask you a question.

00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:45,098

Okay, okay.

Fine.

00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,184

Ooh!

Oh-ho!

00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,060

Dude, what happened?

I felt it, you guys.

00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:51,855

I felt the angry hand of God.

00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,774

He is an angry God, you guys.

00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:56,693

We all have to start taking this

very seriously.

00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,949

Oh, Hello.

You must be Saddam Hussein.

00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:05,494

And you must be Mr. Assface.

00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:06,870

Just kidding.

You're Chris, right?

00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,538

Thanks for inviting me

to dinner, guy.

00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,248

Here, I brought you a potato.

00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:11,625

Oh, thank you.

00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,085

Chris! No!

It's a bomb!

00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,129

Satan!

What the heck is wrong with you?

00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,881

Yeah.

Hey, relax, guy.

00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,174

We're all here to act

like adults, right?

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,552

Oh, gee, I must have

overcooked it.

00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,679

Well, come on in.

Dinner's just about ready.

00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,187

Very good, Ike.

00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,314

That's two John Steinbeck books

in one day.

00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:37,442

Cookie monster!

- Oh, he's growing up so fast.

00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,152

Mom, dad, am I going to Hell?

00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:42,030

Why?

What did you do, Kyle?

00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,282

Nothing, but the guys said

if I don't confess my sins

00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:45,992

and eat crackers,

I'm gonna go to Hell!

00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,078

Oh, no.

That's just Catholics.

00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:49,996

Us Jews don't believe in Hell.

00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,915

We don't?

But what if we're wrong?

00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,460

Well, Kyle,

they could be wrong too.

00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,087

Yeah, but if they're wrong,

no big deal.

00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:59,923

If we're wrong, we burn in Hell.

- Oh, no!

00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,968

Kyle, it's all about being

a good person now.

00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,886

You see, Christians use Hell

as a way to scare people

00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,388

into believing

what they believe.

00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,973

But to believe in something

00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,683

just because you're afraid

of the consequences

00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:11,101

if you don't believe

in something

00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,769

is no reason to believe

in something.

00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,521

Understand?

- No.

00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:15,814

Well, you guys can do

what you want.

00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,148

I'm going down to that church

00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:18,900

to confess my sins

and eat crackers.

00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,193

And I'm taking Ike with me.

00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:20,986

Kyle!

00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,366

So, Saddam, Satan told me

00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,702

all about how you guys

almost took over the world once.

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:30,287

Yeah, those were the days,

boy!

00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:31,872

What the Hell is this crap

we're eating, anyway?

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,832

It's all vegetarian, Saddam.

00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:35,750

Chris was a nutritionist

before he died.

00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,211

Ah, isn't that fascinating?

00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,213

So, tell me, Chris,

how is it that you died?

00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,008

Oh, well, I actually slipped

on an escalator in a mall.

00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,259

Those things can be

pretty sketchy.

00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,844

An escalator?

00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,387

What kind of pussy way

of dying is that?

00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,515

Look, Saddam, I know that you

and Satan had a relationship,

00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,559

and I just want you to know

00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,603

that I'm totally okay

with you guys staying friends.

00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,146

Uh-huh.

00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,480

I think it's important

to stay friends

00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,274

with people you had

relationships with.

00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,234

And I know

that Satan and my relationship

00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,862

is strong enough

that it can handle anything.

00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:06,406

Right?

00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:07,407

Right.

00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,705

Father, the children asked me

about their handicapped friend.

00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,665

I want to explain to them

that he's fine.

00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:18,627

Well, has your friend

ever confessed or been baptized?

00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,879

I don't think so.

- Then Hell awaits him.

00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:22,380

Father, these boys are

really worried

00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:23,423

because they think

they have to--

00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:24,716

They should be worried!

00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,343

Boys, it is your Christian duty

00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,219

to save the souls

of your friends.

00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,638

Yes, but--

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,139

Mr. Father,

we have to ask you something.

00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,807

Oh, you're the little

Jewish boy, right?

00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,309

Yeah.

00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:35,602

If we're Jewish,

are we gonna go to Hell?

00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,062

Well, young man,

you can rest assured

00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,897

that according to Matthew 25,

00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:41,066

when you die, you will stand

before God, and he will say,

00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,652

"depart from me, ye cursed,

into the eternal fire

00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,695

prepared for the devil

and his angels."

00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,156

Yes, as a Jew, your home

will be the lake of fire.

00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,741

Oh, no!

- Father--

00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:52,160

I hope to see all of you

in church this Sunday.

00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,537

We will be.

00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,373

Father, I don't know

if I agree fully

00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,707

with what you're saying.

00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,417

I think that as long as

Jewish people are good,

00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:00,961

they will get into heaven.

00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,380

Sister, the Jews crucified

our savior.

00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,632

I mean, if you don't go to Hell

for crucifying the savior,

00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,634

then what the Hell

do you go to Hell for?

00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:08,927

Stan, you've got to help us

become good Christians!

00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,303

Please!

00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:11,888

Alright, alright,

alright.

00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:12,597

the first thing we have to do

00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:13,348

is get you guys all baptized.

00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,349

Come on.

00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,230

Okay, you better baptize Kyle

some more.

00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,982

Hallelujah!

Wash away the sin!

00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:23,358

Hah!

00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,067

Turn around so I can

clean out your ass.

00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,652

Cartman!

- What?

00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:27,320

Dude, you just said "ass."

That's a sin.

00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,363

Oh, now you've said it too!

00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,490

Oh, shit! Oh!

- What?

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,366

Oh, dude, we got to go

back to church

00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,701

and confess again.

00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,620

But what about them?

- Uh--oh, I know.

00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,580

We can use wacky water weasel.

00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,002

Ah!

- Okay, come on.

00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:43,378

Alright, come on!

00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:45,880

Whew! Well, I don't know

about you guys,

00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,674

but all that ginger

made me tired.

00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,259

Yeah, I guess I should be

getting back.

00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:50,677

Good.

I'll show you out.

00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:51,970

Nice to meet you, Saddam.

00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,763

Have a safe walk back.

- Yeah.

00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,266

Thanks for the wheatgrass

and twigs and stuff.

00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,435

Satan, that guy is a pussy!

00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,061

He's stable, Saddam.

00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,938

Yeah, that's what I said.

He's a pussy.

00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:03,898

Having stability in your life

is a great thing.

00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,358

You should try it.

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,694

For some people, maybe,

but you like excitement.

00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:09,154

I know you, Satan.

00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,822

I'm very happy

with my life now.

00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,240

Here.

00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,576

I'm at the Bargain Hotel

on Monte Vista, room 16.

00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,120

No, Saddam.

I won't be needing this.

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:19,122

Oh, I know you won't,

but just keep it just in case.

00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:20,373

It was good seeing you

again, Satan.

00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:21,541

Good night.

00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:23,501

Good night, pussy!

I mean Chris.

00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,669

Good night.

00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,757

Hello, your excellency?

00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,300

This is Sister Anne,

the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus,

00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:31,801

calling from the United States.

00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:33,762

Yes, I understand you wish

to speak with the Pope.

00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,096

Yes.

00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,264

The priest here has been

telling the children

00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,974

some pretty radical things,

00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:40,101

and I just wanted to see what

the church thinks about Jews

00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,895

and the mentally handicapped.

00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,105

Yes, well, the Pope is here,

but please keep it brief.

00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,399

He is very old.

00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,568

Huh?

- Hello, his holiness.

00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,820

I want to ask you about people

with mental disabilities.

00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:52,655

Huh?

00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,824

Do mentally challenged people

go to Hell?

00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,243

Uh, what's that you say?

Huh?

00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,496

Handicap. Mental handicap.

00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,914

Be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,875

The priest here said

00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,710

that people with mental

handicaps might end up in Hell.

00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,711

Is that true?

00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:11,216

uh, be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,929

Come on.

This stupid light won't change.

00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,181

Come on, hurry up.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,808

We're going to church.

00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:20,475

We sinned and so we

have to confess again.

00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,476

Us too.

00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,394

We saw a picture

of a naked lady.

00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,646

We could see her whole beaver.

00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,231

Yeah, if we died right now,

00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:29,025

we'd have unclean souls

and we'd burn in Hell.

00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,110

Well, come on.

Let's go.

00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,654

Oh!

00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:37,158

Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,160

He had sins

that he didn't confess.

00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:42,956

And he never took communion.

He's doomed.

00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:44,332

We got to get to that church

before we die.

00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,917

Yeah.

00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:46,918

Careful.

00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,218

Yeah.

That's hot.

00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,595

You take it.

You take it now!

00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,306

Chris, what are you doing?

I'm just--

00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,809

I'm just trying to be

a little more naughty in bed.

00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,811

I know that's what you liked

about sex with Saddam.

00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:06,855

I'm just showing you

that I can be that way too.

00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,565

Oh, boy.

Uh-huh.

00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:11,818

Yeah, you like that,

don't you, bitch?

00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,903

I'm a bad boy.

00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:16,114

Yeah.

Take that.

00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:18,449

Chris, just don't--

don't do that.

00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:19,868

But it turns you on.

00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,995

No, it just--

when Saddam did it, yeah, but--

00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,538

but what?

Nothing.

00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,915

I just--I'm just really tired

is all.

00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,585

Can we just please go to sleep?

00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,420

Chris, seriously,

I'm just tired, okay?

00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:33,173

Okay.

I love you, Satan.

00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,175

- I love you too, Saddam.

- Oh!

00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,011

Wha--oh, I'm sorry.

I mean Chris.

00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:39,888

It's okay. It's okay.

00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:43,141

I understand. I do.

00:19:43,266 --> 00:19:45,226

I just need to go

get some air, okay.

00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:46,895

I'll be back really quick.

00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,605

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,857

Come on, hurry up!

00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,400

Oh, no! It's locked!

00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,818

What?

No!

00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,153

It can't be locked!

We have to confess!

00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,655

We have to confess

our sins before we die!

00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:00,825

Hey, there's a window

in the back that's usually open.

00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,369

The confession box

is over there.

00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:05,580

I'm first! I'm first!

00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,456

Oh!

00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:07,832

What the--

00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,046

Oh! Son of a bitch!

00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,342

Uh, kids, uh--

- You're a sinner!

00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,385

You're doing unnatural things

in the house of God!

00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,721

Oh, uh, uh--

00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:25,892

Oh, forgive me, Heavenly Father.

I have sinned against you!

00:20:26,017 --> 00:20:27,685

Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!

00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:31,231

Mrs. Donovan

is a temptress from Hell.

00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,524

Dude, if this guy's going

to Hell, who's gonna save us?

00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,652

Well, it looks like we're

gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle,

00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:36,903

and everyone else in this town

00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:38,947

from the angry hand of God

ourselves!

00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:44,327

Oh, the pain!

Oh, the pain!

00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,917

No.

I can't.

00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,963

What am I doing?

00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:57,006

I know this is

the wrong thing to do.

00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,174

I could lose Chris.

00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:02,470

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,473

We have ah-repeatedly broken

God's Commandments.

00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,892

We have lived our lives

for ourselves-ah,

00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,019

totally ignoring the laws-ah.

00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:12,021

If thy hand offend thee,

cut it off.

00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,314

It is much better for thee

to enter--

00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,400

Oh, what the Hell are they

doing now?

00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:16,985

Oh, no.

00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,736

Into fire that will never

be quenched-ah.

00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:20,405

Pamphlet? Pamphlet?

00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:21,990

There is only one answer.

00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:25,451

As kids, we must abandon

this town of sin and start anew.

00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:27,704

I don't want to go to Hell.

00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:29,163

It will be a long road,

00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:31,958

but at the end of that road

is salvation,

00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:35,044

and I am going to lead you

there.

00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:12,388

♪ Gonna have myself

a time ♪

00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:13,973

Both: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:15,850

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,975 --> 00:00:16,934

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:18,853

♪ Gonna leave

my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,978 --> 00:00:20,688

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,440

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:23,733

♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,484

♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:28,946

♪ [muffled] ♪

00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,281

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:31,699

♪ And meet

some friends of mine ♪

00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,495

All: ♪ I walk hand in hand

with Jesus ♪

00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:39,290

♪ Over at the park

by where he lives ♪

00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:44,253

♪ I tell him all my problems

and sometimes he tells me his ♪

00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,048

♪ What a friend I have

in Jesus ♪

00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:49,759

♪ I can say that honestly ♪

00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,470

♪ He's unlike all

other friends ♪

00:00:52,595 --> 00:00:55,097

♪ Who really don't care

about me ♪

00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,892

♪ Amen ♪

00:00:58,017 --> 00:00:58,934

Boring.

00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:00,394

And now Mr. Mackey

00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,855

will read his favorite psalm

for us, Psalm 46.

00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:06,567

"God is our refuge

and strength," mkay?

00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:09,779

"a very present help

in trouble," mkay?

00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:10,529

[whispering] Hey, you guys,

you want to know

00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:12,031

what my favorite psalm is?

00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:13,616

"it's a man's obligation

to stick his boneration

00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,242

"in a woman's separation.

00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:16,452

"this sort of penetration

will increase the population

00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,703

of the younger generation."

00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,830

"God is in the midst

of her," mkay?

00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:22,208

"she shall not be moved," mkay?

00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:23,626

[whispering] Wait, wait, wait.

"It's a man's obligation

00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,294

to stick his boneration

in the woman's--"

00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,712

"it's a man's obligation

to stick his boneration

00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:28,047

"in a woman's separation

to increase the population

00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,048

of the younger generation."

00:01:29,173 --> 00:01:31,092

[mumbling]

00:01:31,217 --> 00:01:32,718

No, no, it's her separation.

00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,095

"it's a man's obligation

to stick his boneration

00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:36,013

in a woman's--"

- Boys! You are in church!

00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,389

Oh!

00:01:37,515 --> 00:01:40,142

"The God of Jacob

is our refuge," mkay?

00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:42,603

Thank you, Mr. Mackey.

Hello, everyone.

00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:45,397

Today we are going to talk

about Hell.

00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,441

[ominous organ music]

00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:50,069

Hell is not a very nice place.

00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:52,738

Burning, searing flames,

00:01:52,863 --> 00:01:56,158

screaming,

torture for eternity.

00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,702

Once you are in Hell,

you cannot escape.

00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:01,956

You live forever in horrible

pain and burning agony.

00:02:02,081 --> 00:02:05,751

All sinners are there in misery,

dying over and over and over.

00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:08,879

If you be cast down

into this black bog of stench,

00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,589

then woe is thou,

00:02:10,714 --> 00:02:14,301

for Satan has made it the most

miserable place in the universe.

00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:18,973

And he will be your ruler!

Your ruler of pain and agony!

00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:20,391

[Hawaiian music plays]

00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,852

All: ♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:25,729

♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

hukilau ♪

00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:28,149

♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

00:02:28,274 --> 00:02:30,568

♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

huki, hukilau ♪

00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:33,195

♪ Everybody loves

the hukilau ♪

00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,738

I do.

00:02:34,864 --> 00:02:35,990

All: ♪ Where the laulau

is the kaukau at the luau ♪

00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:39,118

♪ We throw our nets

out into the sea ♪

00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:41,370

♪ All the 'ama'ama

come a-swimming to me ♪

00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,039

♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:46,709

♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

hukilau ♪

00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,378

Women: ♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,922

Men: ♪ The huki, huki, huki,

huki, huki, hukilau ♪

00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,341

Women: ♪ Everybody loves

the hukilau ♪

00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,719

All: ♪ Where the laulau

is the kaukau at the luau ♪

00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,847

♪ We throw our nets

out into the sea ♪

00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:02,308

♪ All the 'ama'ama

come a-swimming to me ♪

00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,810

♪ Oh, we're going

to the hukilau ♪

00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,563

♪ The huki, huki, huki, huki,

hukilau ♪

00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:11,400

♪ Luki-luki-lau ♪

00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,152

Yeah!

00:03:13,277 --> 00:03:14,195

Ow!

00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,446

[laughter]

00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:16,864

Great luau, Satan.

00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:18,032

Thanks.

See you, Gary.

00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,825

Thanks for coming.

Oh, bye, Marcia.

00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,493

Satan, a few of us are gonna

go pound some brews.

00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,245

You want to join us?

00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,456

Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau,

but I can't.

00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,541

Chris and I just moved

to the west side

00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:28,751

and we have to unpack.

00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:29,752

Oh, well.

Maybe next time.

00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,170

Great Luau.

Bye.

00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:33,631

[blood-curdling scream]

00:03:35,466 --> 00:03:38,052

[humming]

00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:40,012

Chris?

- Yeah?

00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:43,641

Did you, uh, see my

boy-with-an-umbrella hummel?

00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:46,101

No, but there's still some

boxes coming from the movers.

00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,269

Oh, okay.

Thanks.

00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,687

[doorbell rings]

00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:50,689

Oh, that must be them now.

00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:52,066

Just put the boxes by the--

00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:55,486

Hello, Satan.

00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:56,862

Saddam.

00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:59,156

Did you miss me, buttercup?

00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,492

No, it can't be.

You're dead.

00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:02,534

I killed you.

00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:03,827

Yeah, you killed me.

So?

00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:05,996

Where was I gonna go, Detroit?

00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:08,958

Oh, no.

Oh, God, no.

00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:12,002

A place of everlasting

agony and pain,

00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:13,337

Hell awaits all sinners

00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:15,214

and all who do not accept

Christ.

00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:16,674

Children in this town

00:04:16,799 --> 00:04:19,176

have not been attending

Sunday school after mass,

00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,136

and adults have not been coming

to confession.

00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,514

If this does not change,

I promise you:

00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:24,974

you will all be going

00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:27,268

to the black pit

of Satan's world.

00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:29,144

That is all.

Peace be with you.

00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,439

Well, that was quite

an uplifting sermon.

00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,066

Yeah.

00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:34,858

Mom, we're staying

for Sunday school.

00:04:34,984 --> 00:04:36,402

What?

00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:38,362

We have to go to Sunday school

so we don't burn.

00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:39,822

Yeah.

I'll see you later, Mom.

00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,824

Oh, now look at that.

They're scared to death.

00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,451

Hell is a very real place,

Mr. And Mrs. Marsh.

00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,744

I'm trying to save their souls

00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,079

and the souls of everyone

in this town

00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,956

from the wretched lake of fire.

00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:54,086

Come on, guy.

Just let me in so we can talk.

00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,963

I don't want to talk to you,

Saddam.

00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,173

This isn't what I need

in my life right now.

00:04:58,299 --> 00:04:59,591

Is that the movers, Satan?

00:04:59,717 --> 00:05:01,302

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, it's just the movers.

00:05:01,427 --> 00:05:02,720

Oh, well, tell them

00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,013

I'm leaving

their check on the counter.

00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,348

Okay, Chris.

- Say, look.

00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,142

I know our relationship

wasn't perfect, okay?

00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,560

I know that.

00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:11,353

I was too busy trying to take

over the world

00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,231

to give you what you needed,

but I've changed, Satan.

00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:15,399

Oh, like I haven't heard

that before.

00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:16,942

Come on!

00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,194

Can't we just go out

for a burrito?

00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,447

Me gusta burrito mucho!

00:05:21,572 --> 00:05:24,408

I can't, Saddam.

I'm with Chris now.

00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:25,659

Who? Screw him!

00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,369

He can't pound your ass

like I can.

00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,538

Good-bye, Saddam.

- Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,249

But, Satan, you can't deny

what's between us.

00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,585

You can try,

but you know we belong together.

00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:37,880

My life is good now, Saddam.

Chris treats me well.

00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,965

You and I are through.

Good-bye.

00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:44,178

[exhales heavily]

00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,974

Aw, come on, guy!

Give me a break!

00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,895

Hello, children.

00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,563

I'm Sister Anne,

and I'll be teaching you

00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,315

so that you can all receive

your first communion.

00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,942

Are we gonna go to Hell?

- Well, hopefully not.

00:05:59,068 --> 00:06:01,028

That's why you're gonna need

to receive communion.

00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:03,113

And as long as we get this

communion thing, we're safe?

00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,365

What if we haven't really

done anything

00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:05,616

that horribly bad in our lives?

00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:06,533

Yeah, what if we hadn't?

00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:07,826

It doesn't matter,

00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:09,661

because we are all born

with original sin.

00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,663

Now let me explain

how communion works.

00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,374

The priest will give you

this round cracker,

00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:15,417

and he will say,

"the body of Christ,"

00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,294

and then you eat it.

00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,880

Jesus was made of crackers?

- No.

00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,091

But crackers are his body.

- Yes.

00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:23,050

What?

00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:24,176

In the Book of Mark,

00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:25,803

Jesus distributed bread

and said,

00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,429

"eat this, for it is my body."

00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,848

So we won't go to Hell

as long as we eat crackers.

00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,058

No, no, no, no.

00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:32,476

Well, what are we eating,

then?

00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,228

The body of Christ.

00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:35,229

No, no, no.

I get it.

00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:36,647

Jesus wanted us to eat him

00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:38,273

but he didn't want us

to be cannibals,

00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,608

so he turned himself

into crackers

00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:40,651

and then told people to eat him.

00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:42,444

No!

- No?

00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,946

I can't whistle

if I eat too many crackers.

00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,656

Look, all you have to know

00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:46,740

is that when the priest gives

you the cracker, you eat it.

00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:49,368

Okay?

- All: Okay.

00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,745

And then you will drink

a very small amount of wine,

00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,372

for that is the blood of Christ.

00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,457

Oh, come on, now.

This is just getting silly.

00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,126

Eric, do you want to go

to Hell?

00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,961

No.

- Then stop questioning me.

00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,380

But now we can have communion

and not go to Hell, right?

00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,340

No, because before you can

take your first communion,

00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,842

you have to have

your first confession.

00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:06,552

Confession?

00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:08,011

You'll be getting

in the confession box

00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,555

with a priest and confessing

all your sins

00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:10,806

so that God can forgive you.

00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,141

You kids will all have to go

00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,600

to your first confession

this Tuesday,

00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,018

so I want you

all to go home tonight

00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,770

and think long and hard

about all your sins

00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:20,983

so that you can tell the priest

everything.

00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,026

[muffled]

Oh, shit.

00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,656

Those were some great

pork chops, Satan.

00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,491

Yeah.

00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,201

Hey, you, you've been acting

strange all night.

00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,412

What's up?

- Nothing. Why?

00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:34,830

Well, it's just that you've

washed that same dish

00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,123

seven times now, silly.

00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,667

Oh, sorry.

[laughs]

00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,794

Come on, Satan, you know

you can tell me anything.

00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:42,004

What's up?

00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:46,592

Well, Chris, Saddam showed up

today.

00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:49,887

Oh, wow.

00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,305

Wasn't ready for that.

00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,265

He showed up spouting

all kinds of things

00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,018

about how he's changed

and he still loves me.

00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,394

I thought you killed him.

00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,938

Yeah, well,

where was he gonna go, Detroit?

00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,065

Do you still love him?

- No, Chris.

00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,066

It's okay if you do.

00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:05,068

Well, I mean...

[sighs]

00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:08,238

of course there's a part of me

that will always love him.

00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:09,990

But I also know

how abusive he was.

00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,492

I'm much happier with you.

00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:12,826

Well, you know what I think

we should do?

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:13,952

I think we should all

get together

00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,496

and just talk like adults.

00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:17,039

What?

00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,040

We're all grown men here,

Satan.

00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,333

I want to just go meet this guy.

00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:20,709

No, Chris,

you don't understand.

00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,377

Saddam is fucking crazy.

00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,630

I know he's got the whole

"bad boy" thing going,

00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,298

and I think that's what you

were attracted to.

00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,175

But I can be a pretty rough

tumbler myself.

00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,384

[plate shatters]

Oops!

00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:30,719

Aw, butternuts!

00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:31,470

[clattering]

00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,559

Okay, let's see.

Uh, oh, yeah.

00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,685

There was the time

we threw a fish

00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,145

into the bus driver's hair

00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,438

and she didn't find it

for seven days...

00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:42,439

Oh, yeah. Okay.

00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:43,607

And then there was the time

00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:44,733

we held that

little first grader down

00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:45,734

and farted on him

for 28 minutes.

00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:46,944

Right.

I already got that one.

00:08:47,069 --> 00:08:48,403

Hey, dudes.

What are you doing?

00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:49,905

We're trying to remember

all our sins.

00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:50,697

Sister Anne told us we have

to confess all our sins,

00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:51,782

or else we're gonna go to Hell.

00:08:51,907 --> 00:08:53,075

What?

00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,243

Have you confessed

all your sins yet?

00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:55,619

No!

- Dude, he's Jewish.

00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:56,286

He doesn't have to confess

his sins.

00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:57,871

Oh, good.

I don't?

00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:58,705

Yeah, you're already

going to Hell.

00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,457

I am not!

- You are too!

00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:01,833

Dude, this lady told us if

you don't confess all your sins

00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:02,543

and you don't eat crackers

and drink wine,

00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:03,544

then you go to Hell, period.

00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:04,878

I'm gonna go ask my mom.

00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,588

Now, let's see.

00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,173

What about the time we set

Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?

00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,800

Oh, right.

That was mostly Kenny's fault.

00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,552

[muffled] What?

- You guys! You guys!

00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,803

We just thought of something!

00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:14,263

What, Butters?

00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,139

Well, what about

the handicapped kid, Timmy?

00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:18,141

Timmy!

- What did we do to Timmy?

00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,686

No, I mean poor Timmy's gonna

go to Hell.

00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:21,979

He can't confess his sins,

00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:23,188

'cause all he can say

is his name.

00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,898

Timmy!

- Oh, yeah. You're right.

00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,942

I guess Timmy's pretty screwed.

- Oh, man.

00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,777

We can't let Timmy go to Hell.

We have to do something!

00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:29,820

[muffled]

What are we gonna do?

00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,154

I don't know.

00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,614

I don't know

what we're gonna do.

00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,827

I don't know

what I'm gonna do.

00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:38,912

I can't deny my feelings

for Saddam,

00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,832

but my life is so much

better now with Chris.

00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:44,793

[speaking gibberish]

00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:48,005

Yeah, it's like Chris

is so perfect in every way,

00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,756

but there's just something

about Saddam

00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:51,341

that I'm much more

attracted to.

00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:54,344

[speaking gibberish]

00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:57,431

In what way?

[speaking gibberish]

00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:58,724

Yeah, you're right.

00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:01,268

Saddam would just

treat me bad again.

00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,396

I'm just gonna have to not see

Saddam, put him out of my mind,

00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,106

and focus on Chris.

00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,691

If I don't see Saddam,

00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,526

then I won't have

such strong feelings for him.

00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:10,611

Thanks, guys.

00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:11,612

[speaking gibberish]

00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:13,572

There you are.

- Oh, hi, Chris.

00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,032

I've been looking

all over for you.

00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,241

I have to tell you something

00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,868

that might make you

a little mad.

00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,119

What?

00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,871

Well, I called Saddam Hussein

00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,372

and invited him over

for dinner tonight.

00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,249

You what?

00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,834

I just think we all need

to get this out in the open.

00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,503

Oh, Chris!

Rarr!

00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,213

Rah!

[screams]

00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,049

Come on, Satan,

we're all adults here.

00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:33,884

He was an important person

in your life,

00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,511

for better or for worse,

so I want to know him.

00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:38,221

If he sees

that I'm a real person too,

00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,766

then, well, maybe he'll see

how happy we are together.

00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:43,685

No, Chris, he'll try

to kill you is what he'll do.

00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,854

Satan, we're not

in junior high school anymore.

00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,522

Oh, dear God.

00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:50,984

Hail, Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee.

00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,319

Blessed art thou amongst--"

How was it?

00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,987

Oh, dude, you screwed me up!

- Huh?

00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:55,864

The guy in there said

I have to say 54 Hail Marys.

00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,366

Now I can't remember if I was

on number seven or eight.

00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,034

Who's in there?

- I don't know.

00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,118

You can't see him.

It's just some anonymous guy.

00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,330

Well, here goes everything.

00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,999

Uh, forgive me, Father,

for I have sinned.

00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:07,876

[clears throat]

Blessed art thou, child.

00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,753

Now, what do you have

to confess?

00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,380

Well, let's see.

00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,006

I'd like to start, if I may,

back when I was 2 1/2.

00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,008

It was a cold April morning,

and the dew on the grass

00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,718

was frozen like tiny beads

of glass.

00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,220

Hail, Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee.

00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,221

Bless--

[muffled] Hey, dude.

00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,014

God damn it!

- What?

00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,265

Ooh! There's Sister Anne.

We got to ask her about Timmy.

00:11:22,391 --> 00:11:23,725

Sister Anne...

- Oh, Hello, children.

00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,811

We have a question.

- Okay, shoot.

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,646

Where do handicapped people go

when they die?

00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,107

The handicapped are just

people like you and me,

00:11:30,232 --> 00:11:31,400

so the same rules apply:

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,984

they need to be baptized,

take communion,

00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,486

and confess their sins.

00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:35,904

But our friend Timmy

can't really talk.

00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:36,988

All he can do

is say his own name,

00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,448

so he can't really confess

his sins.

00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:39,825

So is he going to go to Hell?

00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,785

Uh, this really isn't

a question for me.

00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,036

It's for the priest.

00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,414

I'll see if I can find him.

Bye.

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,457

And that was about everything

from first grade.

00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:49,209

Then last year, well--

00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,628

you can't tell anybody

about this stuff, right?

00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,296

[clears throat]

Your confession

00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:54,840

does not leave this box.

00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,008

Okay, because last year,

I took a sandwich

00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,927

that the priest of this church

had been eating.

00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,345

Oh.

00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:04,015

Well, I'm sure he would

forgive you if he knew.

00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,517

No, but I'm not finished yet.

00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:06,727

I took the sandwich

that the priest was eating,

00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:07,728

took the piece of ham

out of it,

00:12:07,853 --> 00:12:09,271

put it between my butt cheeks,

00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,357

and then put the sandwich back

and watched him eat it.

00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:13,817

I see.

00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:14,776

Yeah, and then this

other time,

00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,486

I went pee-pee

in the holy water thing,

00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:18,113

and the priest blessed himself

on the forehead with it

00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,406

every day for about a week.

00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,616

And then this one time,

I was at the park

00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:23,160

and the priest was out

walking his dog,

00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:24,995

and I went number two

on the sidewalk

00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,955

and then told Officer Barbrady

that it was the priest's dog,

00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,498

and so the priest

got fined, like, $100

00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,499

for not cleaning it up.

00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,209

And then this one time,

00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,295

I put super glue

all over the priest's Bible--

00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,546

Ow!

Oh, Jesus!

00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,923

Oh! No! Ow!

00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,425

[muffled yelling]

00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,093

Father, I need to talk to you.

00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,304

Father?

I have to ask you a question.

00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:45,098

Okay, okay.

Fine.

00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,184

Ooh!

Oh-ho!

00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,060

Dude, what happened?

I felt it, you guys.

00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:51,855

I felt the angry hand of God.

00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,774

He is an angry God, you guys.

00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:56,693

We all have to start taking this

very seriously.

00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,739

[doorbell rings]

00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,949

Oh, Hello.

You must be Saddam Hussein.

00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:05,494

And you must be Mr. Assface.

00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:06,870

Just kidding.

You're Chris, right?

00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,538

Thanks for inviting me

to dinner, guy.

00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:10,248

Here, I brought you a potato.

00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:11,625

Oh, thank you.

00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,085

Chris! No!

It's a bomb!

00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,129

Satan!

What the heck is wrong with you?

00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,881

Yeah.

Hey, relax, guy.

00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,174

We're all here to act

like adults, right?

00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,634

[bomb explodes]

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,552

Oh, gee, I must have

overcooked it.

00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,679

Well, come on in.

Dinner's just about ready.

00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:30,519

[babbling]

00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,187

Very good, Ike.

00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,314

That's two John Steinbeck books

in one day.

00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:37,442

Cookie monster!

- Oh, he's growing up so fast.

00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,152

Mom, dad, am I going to Hell?

00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:42,030

Why?

What did you do, Kyle?

00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,282

Nothing, but the guys said

if I don't confess my sins

00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:45,992

and eat crackers,

I'm gonna go to Hell!

00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,078

Oh, no.

That's just Catholics.

00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:49,996

Us Jews don't believe in Hell.

00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,915

We don't?

But what if we're wrong?

00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,460

Well, Kyle,

they could be wrong too.

00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,087

Yeah, but if they're wrong,

no big deal.

00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:59,923

If we're wrong, we burn in Hell.

- Oh, no!

00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,968

Kyle, it's all about being

a good person now.

00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,886

You see, Christians use Hell

as a way to scare people

00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,388

into believing

what they believe.

00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,973

But to believe in something

00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,683

just because you're afraid

of the consequences

00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:11,101

if you don't believe

in something

00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,769

is no reason to believe

in something.

00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,521

Understand?

- No.

00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:15,814

Well, you guys can do

what you want.

00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,148

I'm going down to that church

00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:18,900

to confess my sins

and eat crackers.

00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,193

And I'm taking Ike with me.

00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:20,986

Kyle!

00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,366

So, Saddam, Satan told me

00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,702

all about how you guys

almost took over the world once.

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:30,287

Yeah, those were the days,

boy!

00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:31,872

What the Hell is this crap

we're eating, anyway?

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,832

It's all vegetarian, Saddam.

00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:35,750

Chris was a nutritionist

before he died.

00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,211

Ah, isn't that fascinating?

00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,213

So, tell me, Chris,

how is it that you died?

00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,008

Oh, well, I actually slipped

on an escalator in a mall.

00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:44,259

Those things can be

pretty sketchy.

00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,844

An escalator?

00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,387

What kind of pussy way

of dying is that?

00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,515

Look, Saddam, I know that you

and Satan had a relationship,

00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,559

and I just want you to know

00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,603

that I'm totally okay

with you guys staying friends.

00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,146

Uh-huh.

00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,480

I think it's important

to stay friends

00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,274

with people you had

relationships with.

00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,234

And I know

that Satan and my relationship

00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,862

is strong enough

that it can handle anything.

00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:06,406

Right?

00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:07,407

Right.

00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,705

Father, the children asked me

about their handicapped friend.

00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,665

I want to explain to them

that he's fine.

00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:18,627

Well, has your friend

ever confessed or been baptized?

00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,879

I don't think so.

- Then Hell awaits him.

00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:22,380

Father, these boys are

really worried

00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:23,423

because they think

they have to--

00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:24,716

They should be worried!

00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,343

Boys, it is your Christian duty

00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,219

to save the souls

of your friends.

00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,638

Yes, but--

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,139

Mr. Father,

we have to ask you something.

00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,807

Oh, you're the little

Jewish boy, right?

00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,309

Yeah.

00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:35,602

If we're Jewish,

are we gonna go to Hell?

00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,062

Well, young man,

you can rest assured

00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,897

that according to Matthew 25,

00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:41,066

when you die, you will stand

before God, and he will say,

00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,652

"depart from me, ye cursed,

into the eternal fire

00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,695

prepared for the devil

and his angels."

00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,156

Yes, as a Jew, your home

will be the lake of fire.

00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,741

Oh, no!

- Father--

00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:52,160

I hope to see all of you

in church this Sunday.

00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,537

[together] We will be.

00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,373

Father, I don't know

if I agree fully

00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,707

with what you're saying.

00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,417

I think that as long as

Jewish people are good,

00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:00,961

they will get into heaven.

00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,380

Sister, the Jews crucified

our savior.

00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,632

I mean, if you don't go to Hell

for crucifying the savior,

00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,634

then what the Hell

do you go to Hell for?

00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:08,927

Stan, you've got to help us

become good Christians!

00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,303

Please!

00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:11,888

Alright, alright,

alright.

00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:12,597

You heard the priest:

the first thing we have to do

00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:13,348

is get you guys all baptized.

00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,349

Come on.

00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,143

[gurgling]

00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,230

Okay, you better baptize Kyle

some more.

00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,982

Hallelujah!

Wash away the sin!

00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:23,358

[screaming] Hah!

00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,067

Turn around so I can

clean out your ass.

00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,652

Cartman!

- What?

00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:27,320

Dude, you just said "ass."

That's a sin.

00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,363

Oh, now you've said it too!

00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,490

Oh, shit! Oh!

- What?

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,366

Oh, dude, we got to go

back to church

00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,701

and confess again.

00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,620

But what about them?

- Uh--oh, I know.

00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,580

We can use wacky water weasel.

00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,002

Ah!

- Okay, come on.

00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:43,378

Alright, come on!

00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:45,880

Whew! Well, I don't know

about you guys,

00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,674

but all that ginger

made me tired.

00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,259

Yeah, I guess I should be

getting back.

00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:50,677

Good.

I'll show you out.

00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:51,970

Nice to meet you, Saddam.

00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,763

Have a safe walk back.

- Yeah.

00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,266

Thanks for the wheatgrass

and twigs and stuff.

00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,435

Satan, that guy is a pussy!

00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,061

He's stable, Saddam.

00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,938

Yeah, that's what I said.

He's a pussy.

00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:03,898

Having stability in your life

is a great thing.

00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,358

You should try it.

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,694

For some people, maybe,

but you like excitement.

00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:09,154

I know you, Satan.

00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,822

I'm very happy

with my life now.

00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,240

Here.

00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,576

I'm at the Bargain Hotel

on Monte Vista, room 16.

00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,120

No, Saddam.

I won't be needing this.

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:19,122

Oh, I know you won't,

but just keep it just in case.

00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:20,373

It was good seeing you

again, Satan.

00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:21,541

Good night.

00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:23,501

Good night, pussy!

I mean Chris.

00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,669

Good night.

00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,757

[phone rings]

Hello, your excellency?

00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,300

This is Sister Anne,

the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus,

00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:31,801

calling from the United States.

00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:33,762

Yes, I understand you wish

to speak with the Pope.

00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,096

Yes.

00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,264

The priest here has been

telling the children

00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,974

some pretty radical things,

00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:40,101

and I just wanted to see what

the church thinks about Jews

00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,895

and the mentally handicapped.

00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,105

Yes, well, the Pope is here,

but please keep it brief.

00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,399

He is very old.

00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,568

Huh?

- Hello, his holiness.

00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,820

I want to ask you about people

with mental disabilities.

00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:52,655

Huh?

00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,824

Do mentally challenged people

go to Hell?

00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,243

Uh, what's that you say?

Huh?

00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,496

Handicap. Mental handicap.

00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:00,914

Be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,875

The priest here said

00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,710

that people with mental

handicaps might end up in Hell.

00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,711

Is that true?

00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,713

[belches]

00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:11,216

uh, be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,929

Come on.

This stupid light won't change.

00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,181

Come on, hurry up.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,808

We're going to church.

00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:20,475

We sinned and so we

have to confess again.

00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,476

Us too.

00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,394

We saw a picture

of a naked lady.

00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,646

We could see her whole beaver.

00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,231

Yeah, if we died right now,

00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:29,025

we'd have unclean souls

and we'd burn in Hell.

00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,110

Well, come on.

Let's go.

00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,654

[horn honks]

oh!

00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:37,158

Oh, my God!

They killed Kenny!

00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,160

He had sins

that he didn't confess.

00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:42,956

And he never took communion.

He's doomed.

00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:44,332

We got to get to that church

before we die.

00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,917

Yeah.

00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:46,918

Careful.

00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,218

Yeah.

That's hot.

00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:57,595

You take it.

You take it now!

00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,306

Chris, what are you doing?

I'm just--

00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,809

I'm just trying to be

a little more naughty in bed.

00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,811

I know that's what you liked

about sex with Saddam.

00:19:04,936 --> 00:19:06,855

I'm just showing you

that I can be that way too.

00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,565

Oh, boy.

Uh-huh.

00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:11,818

Yeah, you like that,

don't you, bitch?

00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,903

I'm a bad boy.

00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:16,114

Yeah.

Take that.

00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:18,449

Chris, just don't--

don't do that.

00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:19,868

But it turns you on.

00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,995

No, it just--

when Saddam did it, yeah, but--

00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,538

but what?

Nothing.

00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,915

I just--I'm just really tired

is all.

00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,585

Can we just please go to sleep?

00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,420

Chris, seriously,

I'm just tired, okay?

00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:33,173

Okay.

I love you, Satan.

00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,175

I love you too, Saddam.

- Both: Oh!

00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,011

Wha--oh, I'm sorry.

I mean Chris.

00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:39,888

It's okay. It's okay.

00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:43,141

[stammering]

I understand. I do.

00:19:43,266 --> 00:19:45,226

I just need to go

get some air, okay.

00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:46,895

[stammering]

I'll be back really quick.

00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,605

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,857

Come on, hurry up!

00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,400

[knocks on door]

Oh, no! It's locked!

00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,818

What?

No!

00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,153

It can't be locked!

We have to confess!

00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,655

We have to confess

our sins before we die!

00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:00,825

Hey, there's a window

in the back that's usually open.

00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,369

The confession box

is over there.

00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:05,580

I'm first! I'm first!

00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,456

Oh!

[giggles]

00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:07,832

What the--

00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,046

Oh! Son of a bitch!

00:20:13,171 --> 00:20:14,255

[giggling]

00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,342

Uh, kids, uh--

- You're a sinner!

00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:19,385

You're doing unnatural things

in the house of God!

00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,721

Oh, uh, uh--

00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:25,892

Oh, forgive me, Heavenly Father.

I have sinned against you!

00:20:26,017 --> 00:20:27,685

Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!

00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:31,231

Mrs. Donovan

is a temptress from Hell.

00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,524

Dude, if this guy's going

to Hell, who's gonna save us?

00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,652

Well, it looks like we're

gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle,

00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:36,903

and everyone else in this town

00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:38,947

from the angry hand of God

ourselves!

00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:44,327

Oh, the pain!

Oh, the pain!

00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:47,330

[key jingles]

00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,917

No.

I can't.

00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,963

What am I doing?

00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:57,006

I know this is

the wrong thing to do.

00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,174

I could lose Chris.

00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:02,470

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,473

We have ah-repeatedly broken

God's Commandments.

00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,892

We have lived our lives

for ourselves-ah,

00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,019

totally ignoring the laws-ah.

00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:12,021

If thy hand offend thee,

cut it off.

00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,314

It is much better for thee

to enter--

00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,400

Oh, what the Hell are they

doing now?

00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:16,985

Oh, no.

00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,736

Into fire that will never

be quenched-ah.

00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:20,405

Pamphlet? Pamphlet?

00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:21,990

There is only one answer.

00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:25,451

As kids, we must abandon

this town of sin and start anew.

00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:27,704

I don't want to go to Hell.

00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:29,163

It will be a long road,

00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:31,958

but at the end of that road

is salvation,

00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:35,044

and I am going to lead you

there.