Тампоны из волос чероки

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♪ Gonna have myself

a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave

my woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

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♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

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♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet

some friends of mine ♪

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Good morning, children.

Mr. Garrison is away today.

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I am your substitute teacher,

Mr. Wyland.

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Oh, sweet, dude.

Substitute teacher.

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Now, I understand that

some students in this class

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like to mess with

substitute teachers,

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but if we all behave

and respect each other,

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I'm sure we can make this

a fun and productive day.

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Let's start with roll call.

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Let's see, mm,

Eric Cartman?

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Here.

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Alright, and how about

Stan Marsh?

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Here.

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It's not that funny, you guys.

Jesus.

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Okay, and where is

Kenny McCormick?

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Here.

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Oh!

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Ow!

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Dude, what the hell

was that?

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Oh, oh, dude, you know

when you're laughing so hard

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that the milk

comes out your nose?

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Oh, man.

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Dude, you weren't

drinking any milk.

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Huh?

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You have to be drinking milk

for that to happen.

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Not with me, man.

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Alright, look,

why don't we skip roll call?

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Here's what we're

gonna do today.

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I've been told that

one of your classmates

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has been ill for several days,

Kyle Broflovski?

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He's faking.

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Well, I've been told

that in Mr. Garrison's absence,

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our activity for the day is to

make a get-well card for Kyle,

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so I've got this large

piece of poster board,

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and we're all gonna come up

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and use glitter and glue

to decorate it.

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Aw.

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He's faking.

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Kenny, you come and decorate

the get-well card too.

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But I don't want Kyle

to get well.

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I hate Kyle.

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I don't care.

Get down here and do it.

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Hey, watch it.

- Hey, what are you doing?

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Now, that's a get-well card.

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Mr. Garrison, after

a very careful review,

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the school board believes

that you should take

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a hiatus from teaching

indefinitely.

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What?

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Frankly, your conduct

has been somewhat disconcerting.

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Did you know that

not one of your students

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knew who Sam Adams was?

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Well, who cares about a guy

that makes beer?

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Jesus Christ, I'm trying to

teach history.

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Frankly, Mr. Garrison,

it isn't even

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your educational record

that we're most concerned about.

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It's your somewhat substantial

police record.

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Pfft.

Oh, whatever.

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Mr. Garrison,

last week's charges

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of attempting to solicit sex

from a minor--

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That was not me.

That was Mr. Hat.

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All we're saying is,

perhaps you should take

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a little hiatus from teaching

until this little

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"child molestation" thing

dies down a bit.

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Gentlemen,

teaching is all I know.

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It is the air that I breathe.

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We're sorry, Mr. Garrison.

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We have no choice.

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Very well.

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I guess I'm not

a teacher anymore.

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I suppose you'll be wanting

my badge and gun.

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Mr. Garrison, most teachers

do not carry a gun.

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Oh, so I can keep it then?

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Kyle?

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Stan and his mother

came over to visit you.

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Hello, sweetie.

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Dude, you can stop faking now.

We got a substitute teacher.

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Kyle?

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They say it's his kidneys.

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Kyle always has been

a diabetic,

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and lately, his kidneys

have just been shutting down.

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Well, the kids at school

made you a card, Kyle.

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Look.

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Go on, Butters.

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I don't want to.

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Butters, go on.

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Oh, alright then.

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♪ We're so sorry

you're not feeling well ♪

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♪ We hope you're better soon ♪

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♪ So we're bringing you

some sunshine ♪

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♪ By singing you this tune ♪

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♪ Everybody misses you ♪

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♪ And though we hate to

cause a fuss ♪

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♪ We'd like to say,

"get well soon" ♪

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♪ And please don't die on us ♪

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Dude, you really

are sick, huh?

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I don't know, I--

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I don't know what to do,

Sharon.

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They want to have him

go into surgery,

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but that's so dangerous.

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Sheila, have you tried

holistic natural medicines?

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They work wonders.

I read all about it in People.

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Really?

In People?

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There's a brand-new

shop in town

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that sells holistic medicines

and all-natural foods.

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It's run by

this fascinating woman

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named Miss Information.

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Oh, well, with a name

like Miss Information,

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she must know something.

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Why don't we at least

take Kyle down there

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and see what she has to say?

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Okay.

I'll get our coats.

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Can I go now?

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I don't know what

I'm going to do, Mackey.

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Teaching is all I know.

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Mkay, well, maybe

you need to view this

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as a chance to do something

you've always wanted to do.

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I've always wanted to

write a novel.

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Well, there you go, mkay?

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But I never know

what to write about.

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Well, that's easy.

Write about what you know.

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Write about what you love.

What do you love most?

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Besides teaching?

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Yes.

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Poontang.

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Mm--mkay?

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I can't help it.

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I'm a womanizer sometimes,

I know, but I just think

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that taking a woman home

and getting some hot poon

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is about the greatest thing

in the world.

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Well, that settles it,

Mr. Garrison.

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What you need to do is go write

a great romance novel.

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Yes, that's it.

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I am going to write the great

American romance novel.

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You see, the reasons

our bodies fail

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is because of toxins.

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Toxins?

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All the horrible food we eat,

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the sodas and meats

are filled with toxins,

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and the only way

for us to get better

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is to flush those toxins

out of our system.

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Western medicine is so quick

to cut and carve up,

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but all your son needs

is a toxin-flushing diet

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of lemon juice

and cayenne pepper.

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Wow, that's amazing,

Miss Information.

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Do you hear that, Kyle?

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You don't need surgery

after all.

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Excuse me, but what do

these toxins look like?

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What?

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Have you ever actually

seen a toxin?

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Don't be a smart-ass, Stanley.

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Mrs. Broflovski,

we'd like to give your son herbs

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that focus on the kidney.

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I have these excellent herbs

from local Native Americans.

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Ooh, Native Americans.

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Now, they know how to

heal the body spiritually.

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"Out on the balcony

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"when Reginald kissed

Diana's lips,

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"her knees went weak.

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"Slowly,

he pulled her top down,

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exposing her

soft, unyielding breasts."

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Oh, yeah.

Now this is getting good.

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"just the sight

of those breasts

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"made Reginald's penis

very hard.

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"His penis was

of considerable size,

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"and now beads of sweat

ran slowly down his penis,

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"making it glisten

like a strong swimmer

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"fresh from out of the pool.

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"It was a fantastic penis

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"that seemed as strong

as a horse's leg,

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"yet as delicate as a flower

wrapped in silk.

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"What a grand, grand penis.

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Diana's nipples--"

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Uh, let's see.

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"Diana's nipples--"

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Oh, writer's block.

Writer's block.

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Hmm.

Crap!

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I'm stuck.

Oh, well.

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Maybe that's enough writing

for tonight, Mr. Hat.

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Oh, my.

He looks terrible.

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Yes, poor little dear.

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Good morning, everyone.

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Oh, thanks for coming,

Miss Information.

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Kyle seems to be getting worse.

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Oh, I don't agree.

He seems much better.

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Really?

- What?

00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,098

Yes, his chi is flowing

much nicer than yesterday,

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and his aura is lighter.

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Oh, that's great news.

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Oh no.

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No, no, that's good.

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Those are the toxins

flushing out of his system.

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Ooh.

- Those aren't toxins!

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That's the bean with bacon soup

he ate half an hour ago.

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Stanley, what did I say

about being a smart-ass?

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Don't be a smart-ass?

00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:28,282

Now, don't be fooled

as Kyle's body

00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,033

sheds itself more and more

of all the toxins.

00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,577

He will appear

to be getting worse,

00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,454

but actually,

he is getting better.

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Wow, well, I am sold

on natural medicines.

00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,208

If only I had known sooner.

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,669

I agree.

- Oh, yes, that's right.

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Mr. Marsh is here

to see you.

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Alright.

Send him in.

00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,009

Oh, Stanley.

00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,010

Hi, Doctor.

00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,052

What can I do for you?

00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,554

Well, it's my friend, Kyle.

00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,431

I think he's really,

really sick.

00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,475

He is really,

really sick, Stanley.

00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,477

I was seeing him last week

when he first got ill,

00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,395

but unfortunately,

his mother has decided

00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,064

to put all her trust

into holistic medicine.

00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,816

But I don't think

it's working.

00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,735

Alright, Stanley, I'm going

to be very honest with you.

00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,862

Your little friend Kyle

needs a kidney transplant,

00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,449

or it is very possible

that he will die.

00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,242

Die?

00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:16,079

But Kyle's my best friend

in the whole world.

00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:18,081

I know this is a lot

to lay on someone your age,

00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,918

but the rest of the town is

so gung ho on new age medicine

00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:23,003

that I have

nowhere else to turn.

00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,505

I'll give Kyle my kidney.

00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,256

Even if it hurts a whole lot,

I don't care.

00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:27,508

That's very brave, Stan,

00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:28,967

but I've already checked

my records,

00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,594

and you and Kyle

aren't a match for kidneys.

00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,597

In fact, there's only

one person in South Park

00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,265

with the same

blood type as Kyle.

00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:36,266

Who?

00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:39,228

Oh, shit.

00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,444

Coming in for attack,

Captain.

00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,155

Give me the space cruiser,

Kenny.

00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,074

Now, Kenny, you have to give me

the sub-space cruiser

00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,743

so I can destroy the Ganjeez

on Cluster Five.

00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:55,827

No, it's mine!

00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,749

I broke your space cruiser,

Kenny.

00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,544

Ooh, ah, ow.

00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,045

Ooh, sweetums,

did you laugh too hard again?

00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,630

Yeah.

00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,090

Well, some more

of your little friends

00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,091

are here to play with you.

00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,300

Okay, Mom.

00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,510

And don't get

too close to Kyle.

00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,304

He looks like

he might have the AIDS.

00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,681

What's going on, guys?

00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,015

Cartman, we have to

ask you a question,

00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,350

a very serious question.

00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,561

Okay.

- Kyle's in trouble, Cartman.

00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,646

I can see him getting worse

right before my eyes.

00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,606

There might be a way

that you can save his life.

00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:25,774

Uh-huh?

00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,693

What Kyle really needs

is a new kidney.

00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:29,027

Oh, I think I see

where this is going.

00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,072

His mom is trying all this

eastern medicine

00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,074

new age bullcrap on him,

but it's obviously not working.

00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,701

Stan, why don't

you just ask the question?

00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,035

Alright.

00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,745

Will you donate

one of your kidneys to Kyle?

00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,414

♪ No, no, no, no, no

no, no, no, no, no ♪

00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:41,790

You only need one,

fat boy.

00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,208

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no ♪

00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,501

Dude, one of your friends

is gonna die.

00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:45,627

Don't you see

how serious this is?

00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,507

Well, perhaps I could

see my way to giving up a kidney

00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,508

for a price.

00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:52,593

Oh my God.

00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:53,969

How much?

- I don't know.

00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,554

How much is your life

worth to you, Kyle?

00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,389

Cartman, you are so

going to hell when you die.

00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,891

Yes, well, until then,

I need about $10 million.

00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,518

$10 million?

00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,270

What the hell would you do

with $10 million, fat-ass?

00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,354

What I intend to do

with the money

00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:05,856

is not an issue, is it?

00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:06,898

I suggest you start

looking for that money quickly.

00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,191

Kyle doesn't seem to

have much time.

00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,735

Ticktock ticktock.

00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:10,902

Come on, Kyle.

Let's get out of here.

00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,571

Okay, where were we, Kenny?

Oh, yeah.

00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,823

Quick, Captain, we must destroy

the Ganjeez on Cluster Five.

00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,116

Give me the space cruiser.

00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,701

Give it, Kenny.

Myah!

00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:20,662

Ooh, free-range aspirin.

00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,914

All-natural cell phones.

00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,333

Oh, look, everyone.

00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,418

These are our two

resident Native Americans,

00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,587

Chief Running Pinto

and Carlos Ramirez.

00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,925

Do you have any

new holistic items for sale?

00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,344

Oh, oh, yeah.

00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,513

Uh, here, uh,

this is a, uh, dream catcher.

00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:41,433

Oh, a dream catcher.

I'll buy one.

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,186

Yeah, and these here are

Cherokee hair tampons.

00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,021

They're, like, tampons

made with all-natural hair

00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,439

from the Cherokee people.

00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,149

Ooh, a tampon

made from Cherokee hair.

00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,859

Now, that sounds natural.

00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,570

Native Americans are more in

tune with the Earth than we are.

00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,280

Oh, yeah.

We love the Earth, man.

00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:56,823

Oh, yeah.

The Earth is great.

00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,867

Mrs. Broflovski's son

is a little sick.

00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,619

Perhaps she could

bring him in tomorrow

00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,412

and you could give him

some spiritual healing.

00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,039

Oh, sure,

we can do that, man.

00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,208

We'll give him, like,

a brain enema or something.

00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,002

Wonderful.

00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,587

Why don't you follow me

over to the cash register,

00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:11,838

and I'll take a deposit?

00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,507

Do you have any more

stuff to sell?

00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:16,093

We want to buy more stuff.

- Yes, much, much more stuff.

00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,053

Sure, uh, we just got to

go back to our truck--

00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,721

I mean our horses

and grab some more junk.

00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,431

Come on.

00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,768

Good-bye, Native Americans.

The spirit of Maya is with you.

00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,269

Oh, yeah.

You too and junk.

00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,397

It's funny, man.

00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,273

Oh, hi, Stanley.

00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:32,109

Look, I'm buying you some more

all-natural toothpaste.

00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:33,568

You mean the stuff

that tastes like ass

00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:34,695

and doesn't fight cavities?

00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:35,946

That's right.

00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,698

Look, um, I know

that you all think

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,741

the Earth and all its natural

healing powers can cure Kyle,

00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,535

but the doctor at the hospital

told me it can't.

00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,245

Well, of course

the doctor told you that

00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,288

because he wants to make money.

00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,708

Holistic medicine

is about nature.

00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,543

$233.

00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:52,879

Everything's

going to be fine, Stan.

00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,381

We're bringing Kyle in

tomorrow

00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,550

to see the Native Americans

personally.

00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,009

Isn't it possible

that these Indians

00:11:58,135 --> 00:11:59,052

don't know

what they're talking about?

00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,721

You watch your mouth,

Stanley.

00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,764

The Native Americans were raped

of their land and resources

00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,516

by white people like us.

00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,643

And that has something to do

with their medicine because--

00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:09,646

Enough, Stanley.

00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,399

Nobody wants to listen,

Kenny.

00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:13,650

I know.

00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:14,526

I don't know what else to do.

00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,361

I mean, he could die, Kenny,

00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,821

and that means

we'd never see him again.

00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,531

Mm-hmm.

00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,032

I guess maybe I've always

taken friends for granted

00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,617

like they'd always be there.

00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,995

If a friend died,

I don't know what I'd do.

00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,247

Well, I'm not just gonna stand

here and watch my friend die.

00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,540

Kenny, go round up

all the kids in town

00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,000

who want to help Kyle.

00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:32,127

Round them up and meet me

at the bus stop at 7:30.

00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,754

Kyle's gonna live.

00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,759

"Chapter 18.

00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,845

"Diana had never slept

with another woman before,

00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:45,140

but it was an erotic thought

she often fantasized about."

00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,809

Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat.

Hot lesbo scene coming up.

00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:50,771

"and as Rebecca's naked body

lay before her,

00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:53,231

"Diana couldn't help

but feel aroused.

00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:56,276

"'Go on, ' Rebecca said softly,

'touch me.'

00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,236

"Diana leaned down slowly

00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:01,281

"and brushed Rebecca's bare

stomach with her fingertips.

00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,409

"It felt good,

like a penis,

00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,829

"a soft but sturdy penis

that felt warm to the touch.

00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,748

"In Rebecca's mind,

she suddenly felt

00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,958

"like she was surrounded

by penises.

00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,710

"They were all around her,

00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:16,755

"flopping all around

and slapping her face.

00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,217

"It was as if she were in

a redwood forest of penises.

00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:22,427

"they presented themselves

tall and mighty

00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,262

all around her with--"

00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:27,390

Mr. Hat, what the hell

are you doing?

00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,558

Oh, Mr. Hat.

00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,728

Come on, where are they?

00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:36,650

This is it?

00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,276

Mm-hmm.

- Timmy!

00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,820

This is everyone

that wanted to help Kyle?

00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,321

Well, Clyde

was gonna come too,

00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,073

but he said his mom

was making tacos for dinner,

00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,741

and Clyde likes tacos

a whole lot.

00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:46,284

Jesus Christ.

Alright, Butters.

00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,786

You take this medical book,

and everyone follow me.

00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:49,287

Well, where are we going?

00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:50,831

We're gonna go take

Cartman's kidney.

00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,337

Mom, do you ever have

those heavy flow days?

00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,214

Oh, absolutely, sweetheart.

Everybody does.

00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,841

Mom, remember the movie

The Shining

00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,968

where the elevator doors

are opening up and all the--

00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,804

Oh, honey, what you need

is a more absorbent tampon.

00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,430

Like what?

00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:10,976

Well, what's the most

absorbent thing in the world?

00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,561

Well...

00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,063

Cherokee hair, I guess.

00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,606

But what does that

have to do with me?

00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,692

Because now there's

new all-natural

00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,111

Cherokee hair tampons.

00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,822

A cotton tampon can only hold

so much liquid,

00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,991

other tampons

also come up short,

00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,743

but Cherokee hair

has been known for ages

00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,328

to be strong and powerful.

00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,830

Each tampon is handwoven

00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:33,748

from over 200 strands

of Cherokee hair

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,251

and then bound together by these

decorative native beads.

00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,919

You were right, Mom.

00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,213

All-natural Cherokee hair

tampons really did the trick.

00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,381

And when you're done

using them,

00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,174

they make a great toy

for Jesse.

00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,468

Go get it, boy.

00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:50,891

Let the wonders and

the mysteries of our people,

00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,934

like, change the way you think

about tampons.

00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,108

No.

No.

00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,234

Hippies all around me.

00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,361

Help, mommy!

Hippies!

00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:08,199

Okay, it's clear.

00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,540

Okay, me and Butters

are gonna go up

00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:17,042

and take Cartman's kidney

out of him.

00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,127

Kenny, you stay here and guard

his mom's door with Timmy.

00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,128

Timmy!

- Shh!

00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,755

Timmy!

00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,048

If she hears him screaming

or comes out or anything,

00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,049

just stall her, alright?

00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,050

Okay.

00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,301

Timmy!

00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,179

Alright, Butters.

Let's go.

00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:32,307

Uh-oh.

Cartman's pig.

00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,143

Shh, good pig.

Good pig.

00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,978

Good pig.

Shh, it's okay.

00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,818

Come on,

we got to get out of here!

00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,195

Oh, no.

00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,448

Oh, well.

We're busted.

00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:51,534

Shut up, fluffy!

00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,122

Oh, phew.

00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,667

Hippies.

Hippies.

00:15:58,792 --> 00:15:59,668

Everywhere.

00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,044

They want to save the Earth,

00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,379

but all they do is smoke pot

and smell bad.

00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,756

Help.

00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:05,924

Okay, here we go.

00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,515

Okay, let's see,

00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,267

it looks like

if we cut here and here...

00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:18,228

I hope it's not too bloody.

I'm wearing my favorite pants.

00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,229

Vein--right, well--

00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:20,230

Well, here goes nothing.

00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,274

Help me pull his pajamas up.

00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,027

No way!

Kidney blocker 2000?

00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,028

What, what, what, what?

00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,279

Oh, Stan and Butters.

00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:29,781

Trying to take my kidney,

are you?

00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:31,074

You suck, Cartman.

00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,325

Maybe so, but at least

I was smart enough

00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:33,952

to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000.

00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,620

God damn it, don't you care

that Kyle is gonna die?

00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:36,705

I do.

I do care.

00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,456

Look how much.

00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,959

Look.

Look how much I care.

00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,254

First and foremost,

Mr. Garrison,

00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,631

I would like to thank you for

choosing Harequin Romance.

00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,341

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So did you read the book?

00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,343

Yes, Mr. Garrison.

We did read your book.

00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,553

Well, what did you think?

00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,763

Well, uh, frankly,

Mr. Garrison,

00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,099

we don't know if

the Harequin Romance label

00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,225

is appropriate for you.

00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,060

Oh, why not?

00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:02,188

Mr. Garrison, are you aware

that the word "penis"

00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:05,066

occurs 6,083 times

in your novel?

00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,568

Well, I'm sure there's

lots of naughty words.

00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,153

It is a romance novel.

00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,488

No, I don't think

that this book really qualifies

00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,115

as a romance novel.

00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,116

No?

00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:14,868

No.

00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,453

No, this is what we

in the book publishing business

00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:18,204

like to call gay.

00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,540

Really, really gay.

00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,042

What the hell

are you talking about?

00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,710

It's just that the focus

really seems to be

00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,420

on the male organs.

00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,589

Well, I thought it was mostly

women that read these things.

00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,007

It is.

00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,217

Well, women want to

read about ding-dongs!

00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,053

You think women care about

the details of female anatomy?

00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:34,679

Hell no!

00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:37,599

Women want to read about

big powerful schlongs!

00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,100

Look, I've seen women

read these things.

00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,393

They skim along, skim along,

00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,228

until they get to the part

about the penis.

00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,065

That's what they want,

so that's what I'm giving them.

00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,775

Hmm.

00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,610

There's nothing more

I can do, Kenny.

00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,278

I've tried everything

to save Kyle.

00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,655

Holistic medicine

is gonna kill my friend.

00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,282

Nobody seems to care

when I die.

00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,117

My friend is gonna die.

00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,952

He's gonna die, and there's

nothing I can do about it.

00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:00,497

Oh, God.

He's my best friend.

00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,706

Now, that does it!

00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,708

I have had

enough of this bullshit!

00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,169

Screw you guys.

I'm going home.

00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:06,920

Look out!

00:18:07,045 --> 00:18:08,088

Crash!

00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,464

Oops.

00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,258

I'll never see Kyle again.

00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,555

Four dozen

Cherokee hair tampons, please.

00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,807

No problem, man.

00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683

Pay Miss Information up front.

00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:23,061

Hi, uh, I have

a little bit of pain in my balls

00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:24,395

whenever I watch VH 1.

00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:25,605

Oh, here, try this, man.

00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,650

Uh, this is, uh,

all-natural ball juice.

00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:31,236

Wow, I feel better already.

00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:37,075

And next, we have

Mrs. Broflovski's son.

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,369

Okay, here he is.

00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,413

Hey, man,

that kid looks really sick.

00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:45,208

Yes, he really needs

his toxins flushed again.

00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,502

No, I mean he looks

really sick, man.

00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,254

You should take him to,

like, a doctor.

00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,880

Huh?

00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,382

But you're more in touch

with the Earth.

00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:53,675

Look, being in touch

with the Earth

00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,718

has nothing to do

with dying, man.

00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,178

It's okay.

00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,721

We trust that you know

what you're doing.

00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:02,809

No, man, that kid

needs a doctor,

00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,853

and besides, we're not actually

Native Americans.

00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,063

I mean, I'm more like a--

Mexican.

00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,064

What?

00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,774

Yeah.

A Mexican.

00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,151

Oh, I didn't know that!

00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:12,318

Oh, my God.

00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:16,197

How dare you

deceive us like that?

00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,366

Hey, we never said

we were Native Americans, man.

00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,326

Miss Information said that.

00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:23,705

Yeah, she said nobody would

buy anything from Mexicans.

00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,916

Uh, toxins are your enemy.

00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:27,917

Kill her!

00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,299

That's funny.

00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,050

So now can we take Kyle

to the hospital?

00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,719

Yes, of course, but we don't

have a kidney donor.

00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,179

That's alright.

00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:41,014

If you'll all help,

I think I have a plan.

00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:52,400

That son of a bitch!

00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,154

Okay, asshole,

give me back my kidney.

00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,697

Dude, please, Kyle needs it.

00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:00,283

It's mine.

Not yours, mine.

00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,452

Give it back right now,

or there's gonna be hell to pay.

00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:05,288

Alright, alright.

Here.

00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,998

Thank you,

and you better hope to God

00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:10,793

it still works

just like it did before.

00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,921

Doctor,

Eric Cartman is here.

00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:16,090

Why, hello there, Eric.

00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,008

You see that?

00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,176

That's mine.

00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:19,761

My asshole friend, Stan,

took my kidney,

00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,222

and I need it

put back in please.

00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:24,224

Oh, I see.

00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,808

Are you sure

that now that it's already out

00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,936

you don't want to just let

your friend, Kyle, have it?

00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,146

No, because it doesn't

belong to Kyle.

00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,398

It belongs to me.

It's mine.

00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:33,691

Well, alright then.

00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,026

We'll get you prepped

for surgery,

00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,194

if you'll just

sign this release.

00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:36,945

Thank you.

00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:41,866

How are you feeling, bubbe?

00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:42,867

Better.

Thanks.

00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,535

You look a lot better.

00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:47,121

Yeah, looks like western

medicine really did the trick.

00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,581

Hey, thanks for

going through all that

00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:49,666

to save my life, Stan.

00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,042

Dude, you're my best friend.

00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,710

I don't want you to die

until I do.

00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:55,046

Yeah, hey, man, we're glad

you're getting better too.

00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:57,173

Hey--hey, what's going on?

00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,925

Kyle's all better, Cartman,

thanks to you.

00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,134

Huh?

- It was all a trick.

00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,302

Your mom undid

the kidney blocker,

00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,720

and then we put ketchup

in your bed

00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:04,138

so you'd think

we took your kidney.

00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,306

Yes, but it was all

just a trick

00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,141

to get you to come in

and sign this release.

00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:08,351

Isn't that funny, sweetie?

00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:11,020

Ugh, I am so pissed off!

00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:12,605

Oh, here's everybody.

00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:14,107

Hey, Mr. Garrison.

Where have you been?

00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:16,401

Boys, I have

an announcement to make.

00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:18,403

I'm not gonna be your teacher

anymore.

00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:20,238

I've become

a best-selling author,

00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:22,365

and, Kyle, I want you to have

a signed copy

00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:23,825

as a get-well present.

00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,660

Oh.

Thanks?

00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,830

I swear I'm gonna

kill you guys!

00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,540

Careful, Cartman.

You might pop your stitches.

00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,334

What the--

00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:34,502

Oh, good,

you got the crappy kidney.

00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,929

♪ Gonna have myself

a time ♪

00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:13,723

Both: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,433

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:16,475

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,769

♪ Gonna leave

my woes behind ♪

00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:20,479

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:22,023

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,315

♪ Headin' on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:24,900

♪ Gonna see

if I can't unwind ♪

00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:28,696

♪ [muffled] ♪

00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:29,905

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:32,324

♪ And meet

some friends of mine ♪

00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:33,951

[school bell rings]

00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,704

Good morning, children.

Mr. Garrison is away today.

00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:40,499

I am your substitute teacher,

Mr. Wyland.

00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,084

Oh, sweet, dude.

Substitute teacher.

00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,128

Now, I understand that

some students in this class

00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,714

like to mess with

substitute teachers,

00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:48,340

but if we all behave

and respect each other,

00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:51,385

I'm sure we can make this

a fun and productive day.

00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:52,720

Let's start with roll call.

00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:55,639

Let's see, mm,

Eric Cartman?

00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:56,640

Here.

00:00:56,766 --> 00:01:01,437

[all laugh]

00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,690

Alright, and how about

Stan Marsh?

00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:05,691

[muffled]

Here.

00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:09,945

[all laugh]

00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,614

It's not that funny, you guys.

Jesus.

00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,950

Okay, and where is

Kenny McCormick?

00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:15,951

Here.

00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:18,913

[hysterical laughter]

00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:19,914

Oh!

[laughs]

00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,123

Ow!

00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:22,750

Dude, what the hell

was that?

00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:23,959

Oh, oh, dude, you know

when you're laughing so hard

00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:25,795

that the milk

comes out your nose?

00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,171

Oh, man.

00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:28,422

Dude, you weren't

drinking any milk.

00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:30,216

Huh?

00:01:30,341 --> 00:01:31,342

You have to be drinking milk

for that to happen.

00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,135

Not with me, man.

00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,595

Alright, look,

why don't we skip roll call?

00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,055

Here's what we're

gonna do today.

00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:37,598

I've been told that

one of your classmates

00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:40,267

has been ill for several days,

Kyle Broflovski?

00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,228

He's faking.

00:01:42,353 --> 00:01:44,230

Well, I've been told

that in Mr. Garrison's absence,

00:01:44,355 --> 00:01:47,024

our activity for the day is to

make a get-well card for Kyle,

00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,734

so I've got this large

piece of poster board,

00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:49,902

and we're all gonna come up

00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,654

and use glitter and glue

to decorate it.

00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:52,655

All: Aw.

00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,698

He's faking.

00:01:54,824 --> 00:01:56,325

[children chattering]

00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,410

Kenny, you come and decorate

the get-well card too.

00:01:58,536 --> 00:01:59,578

But I don't want Kyle

to get well.

00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:00,830

I hate Kyle.

00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:02,248

I don't care.

Get down here and do it.

00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:04,708

Hey, watch it.

- Hey, what are you doing?

00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:05,960

Now, that's a get-well card.

00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:08,379

[all laugh]

00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:11,507

[laughs]

00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,635

Mr. Garrison, after

a very careful review,

00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,428

the school board believes

that you should take

00:02:16,554 --> 00:02:19,515

a hiatus from teaching

indefinitely.

00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,016

What?

00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,477

Frankly, your conduct

has been somewhat disconcerting.

00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,271

Did you know that

not one of your students

00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:27,148

knew who Sam Adams was?

00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:28,983

Well, who cares about a guy

that makes beer?

00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:32,319

Jesus Christ, I'm trying to

teach history.

00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,113

Frankly, Mr. Garrison,

it isn't even

00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:37,283

your educational record

that we're most concerned about.

00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:40,035

It's your somewhat substantial

police record.

00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,412

Pfft.

Oh, whatever.

00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,289

Mr. Garrison,

last week's charges

00:02:43,414 --> 00:02:45,791

of attempting to solicit sex

from a minor--

00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,918

That was not me.

That was Mr. Hat.

00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:49,712

All we're saying is,

perhaps you should take

00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,006

a little hiatus from teaching

until this little

00:02:52,131 --> 00:02:54,800

"child molestation" thing

dies down a bit.

00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:57,511

Gentlemen,

teaching is all I know.

00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,763

It is the air that I breathe.

00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:00,639

We're sorry, Mr. Garrison.

00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,433

We have no choice.

00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:03,851

Very well.

00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:07,938

I guess I'm not

a teacher anymore.

00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,608

I suppose you'll be wanting

my badge and gun.

00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:13,694

Mr. Garrison, most teachers

do not carry a gun.

00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,529

Oh, so I can keep it then?

00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,491

[babbles]

00:03:19,617 --> 00:03:21,076

Kyle?

00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:22,494

Stan and his mother

came over to visit you.

00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,163

Hello, sweetie.

00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:26,248

Dude, you can stop faking now.

We got a substitute teacher.

00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,208

[babbles]

00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:28,459

Kyle?

00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:29,627

They say it's his kidneys.

00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,170

Kyle always has been

a diabetic,

00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:33,297

and lately, his kidneys

have just been shutting down.

00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,174

Well, the kids at school

made you a card, Kyle.

00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:39,136

Look.

00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,137

Go on, Butters.

00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,138

I don't want to.

00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,139

Butters, go on.

00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,641

Oh, alright then.

00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,059

♪ We're so sorry

you're not feeling well ♪

00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,393

♪ We hope you're better soon ♪

00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:47,645

♪ So we're bringing you

some sunshine ♪

00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,104

♪ By singing you this tune ♪

00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:50,356

♪ Everybody misses you ♪

00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,774

♪ And though we hate to

cause a fuss ♪

00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,025

♪ We'd like to say,

"get well soon" ♪

00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:55,110

♪ And please don't die on us ♪

00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,154

[air hisses]

00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,989

[babbles]

00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,115

Dude, you really

are sick, huh?

00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:01,367

I don't know, I--

00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:02,952

I don't know what to do,

Sharon.

00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,662

They want to have him

go into surgery,

00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,622

but that's so dangerous.

00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,791

Sheila, have you tried

holistic natural medicines?

00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,001

They work wonders.

I read all about it in People.

00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,294

Really?

In People?

00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,213

There's a brand-new

shop in town

00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,632

that sells holistic medicines

and all-natural foods.

00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,425

It's run by

this fascinating woman

00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:20,594

named Miss Information.

00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:23,055

Oh, well, with a name

like Miss Information,

00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:24,515

she must know something.

00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,100

Why don't we at least

take Kyle down there

00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:27,393

and see what she has to say?

00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:28,769

Okay.

I'll get our coats.

00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,562

[babbles]

00:04:30,688 --> 00:04:33,232

Can I go now?

00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:34,566

I don't know what

I'm going to do, Mackey.

00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:36,110

Teaching is all I know.

00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:38,237

Mkay, well, maybe

you need to view this

00:04:38,362 --> 00:04:40,990

as a chance to do something

you've always wanted to do.

00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,700

I've always wanted to

write a novel.

00:04:42,825 --> 00:04:44,785

Well, there you go, mkay?

00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,370

But I never know

what to write about.

00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,455

Well, that's easy.

Write about what you know.

00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,916

Write about what you love.

What do you love most?

00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,126

Besides teaching?

00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:53,085

Yes.

00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,254

Poontang.

00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,588

Mm--mkay?

00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:58,132

I can't help it.

00:04:58,257 --> 00:04:59,967

I'm a womanizer sometimes,

I know, but I just think

00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,969

that taking a woman home

and getting some hot poon

00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:03,846

is about the greatest thing

in the world.

00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,264

Well, that settles it,

Mr. Garrison.

00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:08,726

What you need to do is go write

a great romance novel.

00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,311

Yes, that's it.

00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:14,315

I am going to write the great

American romance novel.

00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,817

[sitar music]

00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,152

You see, the reasons

our bodies fail

00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:19,403

is because of toxins.

00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,612

Toxins?

00:05:20,738 --> 00:05:22,197

All the horrible food we eat,

00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:23,991

the sodas and meats

are filled with toxins,

00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:25,909

and the only way

for us to get better

00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:28,287

is to flush those toxins

out of our system.

00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:31,123

Western medicine is so quick

to cut and carve up,

00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:34,084

but all your son needs

is a toxin-flushing diet

00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,253

of lemon juice

and cayenne pepper.

00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,297

Wow, that's amazing,

Miss Information.

00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,548

Do you hear that, Kyle?

00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,050

You don't need surgery

after all.

00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,384

[coughs]

00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,762

Excuse me, but what do

these toxins look like?

00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:45,971

What?

00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,389

Have you ever actually

seen a toxin?

00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,974

Don't be a smart-ass, Stanley.

00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,809

Mrs. Broflovski,

we'd like to give your son herbs

00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,478

that focus on the kidney.

00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:54,813

I have these excellent herbs

from local Native Americans.

00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,315

Ooh, Native Americans.

00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,359

Now, they know how to

heal the body spiritually.

00:05:58,484 --> 00:05:59,360

[babbles]

00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,487

[coughs]

00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:02,905

"Out on the balcony

00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,573

"when Reginald kissed

Diana's lips,

00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,283

"her knees went weak.

00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:08,327

"Slowly,

he pulled her top down,

00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:11,663

exposing her

soft, unyielding breasts."

00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,916

Oh, yeah.

Now this is getting good.

00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,542

"just the sight

of those breasts

00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:18,087

"made Reginald's penis

very hard.

00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:20,297

"His penis was

of considerable size,

00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:23,300

"and now beads of sweat

ran slowly down his penis,

00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,135

"making it glisten

like a strong swimmer

00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,137

"fresh from out of the pool.

00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,098

"It was a fantastic penis

00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,100

"that seemed as strong

as a horse's leg,

00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:34,019

"yet as delicate as a flower

wrapped in silk.

00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:36,605

"What a grand, grand penis.

00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,483

Diana's nipples--"

00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,026

Uh, let's see.

00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,612

"Diana's nipples--"

00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,656

Oh, writer's block.

Writer's block.

00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:46,990

Hmm.

Crap!

00:06:47,116 --> 00:06:48,617

I'm stuck.

Oh, well.

00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,285

Maybe that's enough writing

for tonight, Mr. Hat.

00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:54,373

Oh, my.

He looks terrible.

00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:55,999

Yes, poor little dear.

00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:58,127

Good morning, everyone.

00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,045

Oh, thanks for coming,

Miss Information.

00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,173

Kyle seems to be getting worse.

00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,050

[vocalizes]

00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,511

Oh, I don't agree.

He seems much better.

00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,096

Really?

- What?

00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:11,098

Yes, his chi is flowing

much nicer than yesterday,

00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,766

and his aura is lighter.

00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,184

Oh, that's great news.

00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,185

[vomits]

00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,186

Oh no.

00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,688

No, no, that's good.

00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:19,648

Those are the toxins

flushing out of his system.

00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,233

Ooh.

- Those aren't toxins!

00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,277

That's the bean with bacon soup

he ate half an hour ago.

00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,279

Stanley, what did I say

about being a smart-ass?

00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,738

Don't be a smart-ass?

00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:28,282

Now, don't be fooled

as Kyle's body

00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,033

sheds itself more and more

of all the toxins.

00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,577

He will appear

to be getting worse,

00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,454

but actually,

he is getting better.

00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:36,498

Wow, well, I am sold

on natural medicines.

00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,208

If only I had known sooner.

00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,669

I agree.

- Oh, yes, that's right.

00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,380

[intercom beeps]

00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:44,590

Mr. Marsh is here

to see you.

00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,008

Alright.

Send him in.

00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,009

Oh, Stanley.

00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,010

Hi, Doctor.

00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,052

What can I do for you?

00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,554

Well, it's my friend, Kyle.

00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,431

I think he's really,

really sick.

00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,475

He is really,

really sick, Stanley.

00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,477

I was seeing him last week

when he first got ill,

00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,395

but unfortunately,

his mother has decided

00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,064

to put all her trust

into holistic medicine.

00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,816

But I don't think

it's working.

00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,735

Alright, Stanley, I'm going

to be very honest with you.

00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,862

Your little friend Kyle

needs a kidney transplant,

00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,449

or it is very possible

that he will die.

00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,242

Die?

00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:16,079

But Kyle's my best friend

in the whole world.

00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:18,081

I know this is a lot

to lay on someone your age,

00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,918

but the rest of the town is

so gung ho on new age medicine

00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:23,003

that I have

nowhere else to turn.

00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,505

I'll give Kyle my kidney.

00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,256

Even if it hurts a whole lot,

I don't care.

00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:27,508

That's very brave, Stan,

00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:28,967

but I've already checked

my records,

00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,594

and you and Kyle

aren't a match for kidneys.

00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,597

In fact, there's only

one person in South Park

00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,265

with the same

blood type as Kyle.

00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:36,266

Who?

00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,477

[dramatic music]

00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:39,228

Oh, shit.

00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:46,151

[imitating whirring

and lasers zapping]

00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,444

Coming in for attack,

Captain.

00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:48,612

[imitates laser zapping]

00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,155

Give me the space cruiser,

Kenny.

00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,074

Now, Kenny, you have to give me

the sub-space cruiser

00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,743

so I can destroy the Ganjeez

on Cluster Five.

00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:55,827

[muffled]

No, it's mine!

00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:56,828

[doorbell rings]

00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,121

[grunts]

00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,581

[laughs]

00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,749

I broke your space cruiser,

Kenny.

00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:01,917

[laughs]

00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,544

Ooh, ah, ow.

00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,045

Ooh, sweetums,

did you laugh too hard again?

00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,630

Yeah.

00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,090

Well, some more

of your little friends

00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,091

are here to play with you.

00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,300

Okay, Mom.

00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,510

And don't get

too close to Kyle.

00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,304

He looks like

he might have the AIDS.

00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,681

What's going on, guys?

00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,015

Cartman, we have to

ask you a question,

00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,350

a very serious question.

00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,561

Okay.

- Kyle's in trouble, Cartman.

00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,646

I can see him getting worse

right before my eyes.

00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,606

There might be a way

that you can save his life.

00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:25,774

Uh-huh?

00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,693

What Kyle really needs

is a new kidney.

00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:29,027

Oh, I think I see

where this is going.

00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,362

[groans]

00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,072

His mom is trying all this

eastern medicine

00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,074

new age bullcrap on him,

but it's obviously not working.

00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,701

Stan, why don't

you just ask the question?

00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,035

Alright.

00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,745

Will you donate

one of your kidneys to Kyle?

00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,414

♪ No, no, no, no, no

no, no, no, no, no ♪

00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:41,790

You only need one,

fat boy.

00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,208

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no ♪

00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,501

Dude, one of your friends

is gonna die.

00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:45,627

Don't you see

how serious this is?

00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:46,628

[muffled]

00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,130

[coughs]

00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,507

Well, perhaps I could

see my way to giving up a kidney

00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,508

for a price.

00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:52,593

Oh my God.

00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:53,969

How much?

- I don't know.

00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,554

How much is your life

worth to you, Kyle?

00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,389

Cartman, you are so

going to hell when you die.

00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,891

Yes, well, until then,

I need about $10 million.

00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,518

[muffled]

$10 million?

00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,270

What the hell would you do

with $10 million, fat-ass?

00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,354

What I intend to do

with the money

00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:05,856

is not an issue, is it?

00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:06,898

I suggest you start

looking for that money quickly.

00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,191

Kyle doesn't seem to

have much time.

00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,735

Ticktock ticktock.

00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:10,902

Come on, Kyle.

Let's get out of here.

00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,571

Okay, where were we, Kenny?

Oh, yeah.

00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,823

Quick, Captain, we must destroy

the Ganjeez on Cluster Five.

00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,116

Give me the space cruiser.

00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,701

Give it, Kenny.

Myah!

00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:20,662

Ooh, free-range aspirin.

00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,914

All-natural cell phones.

00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,333

Oh, look, everyone.

00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:26,418

These are our two

resident Native Americans,

00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,587

Chief Running Pinto

and Carlos Ramirez.

00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:31,965

[all talking at once]

00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,925

Do you have any

new holistic items for sale?

00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:35,344

Oh, oh, yeah.

00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,513

Uh, here, uh,

this is a, uh, dream catcher.

00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:41,433

Oh, a dream catcher.

I'll buy one.

00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,186

Yeah, and these here are

Cherokee hair tampons.

00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,021

They're, like, tampons

made with all-natural hair

00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,439

from the Cherokee people.

00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,149

Ooh, a tampon

made from Cherokee hair.

00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,859

Now, that sounds natural.

00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,570

Native Americans are more in

tune with the Earth than we are.

00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,280

Oh, yeah.

We love the Earth, man.

00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:56,823

Oh, yeah.

The Earth is great.

00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,867

Mrs. Broflovski's son

is a little sick.

00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,619

Perhaps she could

bring him in tomorrow

00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,412

and you could give him

some spiritual healing.

00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,039

Oh, sure,

we can do that, man.

00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,208

We'll give him, like,

a brain enema or something.

00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,084

[chuckles]

00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,002

Wonderful.

00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,587

Why don't you follow me

over to the cash register,

00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:11,838

and I'll take a deposit?

00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,507

Do you have any more

stuff to sell?

00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:16,093

We want to buy more stuff.

- Yes, much, much more stuff.

00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,053

Sure, uh, we just got to

go back to our truck--

00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,721

I mean our horses

and grab some more junk.

00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,431

[laughs]

Come on.

00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,768

Good-bye, Native Americans.

The spirit of Maya is with you.

00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,269

Oh, yeah.

You too and junk.

00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,397

[both chuckle]

It's funny, man.

00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,273

Oh, hi, Stanley.

00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:32,109

Look, I'm buying you some more

all-natural toothpaste.

00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:33,568

You mean the stuff

that tastes like ass

00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:34,695

and doesn't fight cavities?

00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:35,946

That's right.

00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,698

Look, um, I know

that you all think

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,741

the Earth and all its natural

healing powers can cure Kyle,

00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,535

but the doctor at the hospital

told me it can't.

00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,245

Well, of course

the doctor told you that

00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,288

because he wants to make money.

00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,708

Holistic medicine

is about nature.

00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,543

$233.

00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,461

[cash register beeps]

00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:52,879

Everything's

going to be fine, Stan.

00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,381

We're bringing Kyle in

tomorrow

00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,550

to see the Native Americans

personally.

00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,009

Isn't it possible

that these Indians

00:11:58,135 --> 00:11:59,052

don't know

what they're talking about?

00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:00,721

You watch your mouth,

Stanley.

00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,764

The Native Americans were raped

of their land and resources

00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,516

by white people like us.

00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,643

And that has something to do

with their medicine because--

00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:09,646

Enough, Stanley.

00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,106

[somber music]

00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,399

Nobody wants to listen,

Kenny.

00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:13,650

[muffled]

I know.

00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:14,526

I don't know what else to do.

00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,361

I mean, he could die, Kenny,

00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,821

and that means

we'd never see him again.

00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,531

[muffled]

Mm-hmm.

00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,032

I guess maybe I've always

taken friends for granted

00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,617

like they'd always be there.

00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,995

If a friend died,

I don't know what I'd do.

00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,247

Well, I'm not just gonna stand

here and watch my friend die.

00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,540

Kenny, go round up

all the kids in town

00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,000

who want to help Kyle.

00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:32,127

Round them up and meet me

at the bus stop at 7:30.

00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,754

Kyle's gonna live.

00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:34,755

[grunts]

00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,759

"Chapter 18.

00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,845

"Diana had never slept

with another woman before,

00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:45,140

but it was an erotic thought

she often fantasized about."

00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,809

Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat.

Hot lesbo scene coming up.

00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:50,771

"and as Rebecca's naked body

lay before her,

00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:53,231

"Diana couldn't help

but feel aroused.

00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:56,276

"'Go on,' Rebecca said softly,

'touch me.'

00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,236

"Diana leaned down slowly

00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:01,281

"and brushed Rebecca's bare

stomach with her fingertips.

00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:04,409

"It felt good,

like a penis,

00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,829

"a soft but sturdy penis

that felt warm to the touch.

00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,748

"In Rebecca's mind,

she suddenly felt

00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,958

"like she was surrounded

by penises.

00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,710

"They were all around her,

00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:16,755

"flopping all around

and slapping her face.

00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,217

"It was as if she were in

a redwood forest of penises.

00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:22,427

"they presented themselves

tall and mighty

00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,262

all around her with--"

00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:27,390

Mr. Hat, what the hell

are you doing?

00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,558

Oh, Mr. Hat.

00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,728

Come on, where are they?

00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:36,650

This is it?

00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,276

[muffled] Mm-hmm.

- Timmy!

00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,820

This is everyone

that wanted to help Kyle?

00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,321

Well, Clyde

was gonna come too,

00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,073

but he said his mom

was making tacos for dinner,

00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,741

and Clyde likes tacos

a whole lot.

00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:46,284

Jesus Christ.

Alright, Butters.

00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,786

You take this medical book,

and everyone follow me.

00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:49,287

Well, where are we going?

00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:50,831

We're gonna go take

Cartman's kidney.

00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,337

Mom, do you ever have

those heavy flow days?

00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,214

Oh, absolutely, sweetheart.

Everybody does.

00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,841

Mom, remember the movie

The Shining

00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,968

where the elevator doors

are opening up and all the--

00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:05,804

Oh, honey, what you need

is a more absorbent tampon.

00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,430

Like what?

00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:10,976

Well, what's the most

absorbent thing in the world?

00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,561

Well...

00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,063

Cherokee hair, I guess.

00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,606

But what does that

have to do with me?

00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,692

Because now there's

new all-natural

00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,111

Cherokee hair tampons.

00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,822

A cotton tampon can only hold

so much liquid,

00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,991

other tampons

also come up short,

00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,743

but Cherokee hair

has been known for ages

00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,328

to be strong and powerful.

00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,830

Each tampon is handwoven

00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:33,748

from over 200 strands

of Cherokee hair

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,251

and then bound together by these

decorative native beads.

00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,919

You were right, Mom.

00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,213

All-natural Cherokee hair

tampons really did the trick.

00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,381

And when you're done

using them,

00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,174

they make a great toy

for Jesse.

00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,468

Go get it, boy.

00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:48,471

[dog growls]

00:14:48,597 --> 00:14:50,891

Let the wonders and

the mysteries of our people,

00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,934

like, change the way you think

about tampons.

00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,108

No.

No.

00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,234

Hippies all around me.

00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:03,361

Help, mommy!

Hippies!

00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:08,199

Okay, it's clear.

00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,540

Okay, me and Butters

are gonna go up

00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:17,042

and take Cartman's kidney

out of him.

00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,127

Kenny, you stay here and guard

his mom's door with Timmy.

00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,128

Timmy!

- Shh!

00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,755

[whispering]

Timmy!

00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,048

If she hears him screaming

or comes out or anything,

00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,049

just stall her, alright?

00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,050

[muffled]

Okay.

00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,301

[whispering]

Timmy!

00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,179

Alright, Butters.

Let's go.

00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:32,307

Uh-oh.

Cartman's pig.

00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,143

Shh, good pig.

Good pig.

00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,978

Good pig.

Shh, it's okay.

00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:42,317

[pig squeals]

00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,818

Come on,

we got to get out of here!

00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,195

Oh, no.

00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,448

Oh, well.

We're busted.

00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:51,534

[smack]

Shut up, fluffy!

00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,122

Oh, phew.

00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,667

Hippies.

Hippies.

00:15:58,792 --> 00:15:59,668

Everywhere.

00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,044

They want to save the Earth,

00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,379

but all they do is smoke pot

and smell bad.

00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,756

Help.

00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:05,924

Okay, here we go.

00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,930

[chuckles]

00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,515

Okay, let's see,

00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,267

it looks like

if we cut here and here...

00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:18,228

I hope it's not too bloody.

I'm wearing my favorite pants.

00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:19,229

Vein--right, well--

00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:20,230

Well, here goes nothing.

00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,274

Help me pull his pajamas up.

00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,027

No way!

Kidney blocker 2000?

00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,028

What, what, what, what?

00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,279

Oh, Stan and Butters.

00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:29,781

Trying to take my kidney,

are you?

00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:31,074

You suck, Cartman.

00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,325

Maybe so, but at least

I was smart enough

00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:33,952

to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000.

00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,620

God damn it, don't you care

that Kyle is gonna die?

00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:36,705

I do.

I do care.

00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,456

Look how much.

00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,959

Look.

Look how much I care.

00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,254

First and foremost,

Mr. Garrison,

00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:46,631

I would like to thank you for

choosing Harequin Romance.

00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:48,341

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So did you read the book?

00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,343

Yes, Mr. Garrison.

We did read your book.

00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,553

Well, what did you think?

00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,763

Well, uh, frankly,

Mr. Garrison,

00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,099

we don't know if

the Harequin Romance label

00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,225

is appropriate for you.

00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,060

Oh, why not?

00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:02,188

Mr. Garrison, are you aware

that the word "penis"

00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:05,066

occurs 6,083 times

in your novel?

00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:06,568

Well, I'm sure there's

lots of naughty words.

00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,153

It is a romance novel.

00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,488

No, I don't think

that this book really qualifies

00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,115

as a romance novel.

00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,116

No?

00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:14,868

[coughs]

No.

00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,453

No, this is what we

in the book publishing business

00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:18,204

like to call gay.

00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,540

Really, really gay.

00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,042

What the hell

are you talking about?

00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,710

It's just that the focus

really seems to be

00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,420

on the male organs.

00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,589

Well, I thought it was mostly

women that read these things.

00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,007

It is.

00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,217

Well, women want to

read about ding-dongs!

00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,053

You think women care about

the details of female anatomy?

00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:34,679

Hell no!

00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:37,599

Women want to read about

big powerful schlongs!

00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,100

Look, I've seen women

read these things.

00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,393

They skim along, skim along,

00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,228

until they get to the part

about the penis.

00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,065

That's what they want,

so that's what I'm giving them.

00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:46,775

Hmm.

00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,610

There's nothing more

I can do, Kenny.

00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,278

I've tried everything

to save Kyle.

00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,655

Holistic medicine

is gonna kill my friend.

00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,282

[muffled] Nobody seems to care

when I die.

00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,117

My friend is gonna die.

00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,952

He's gonna die, and there's

nothing I can do about it.

00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,329

[crying]

00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:00,497

Oh, God.

He's my best friend.

00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,706

[muffled]

Now, that does it!

00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,708

I have had

enough of this bullshit!

00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,169

Screw you guys.

I'm going home.

00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:06,920

Look out!

00:18:07,045 --> 00:18:08,088

Crash!

00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,464

Oops.

00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,924

[sobs]

00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,258

I'll never see Kyle again.

00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:15,428

[sobbing]

00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,555

Four dozen

Cherokee hair tampons, please.

00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,807

No problem, man.

00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683

Pay Miss Information up front.

00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:23,061

Hi, uh, I have

a little bit of pain in my balls

00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:24,395

whenever I watch VH 1.

00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:25,605

Oh, here, try this, man.

00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,650

Uh, this is, uh,

all-natural ball juice.

00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,443

[both chuckle]

00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:31,236

Wow, I feel better already.

00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,946

[both chuckle]

00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:37,075

And next, we have

Mrs. Broflovski's son.

00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,369

Okay, here he is.

00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:40,912

[chuckles]

00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,413

Hey, man,

that kid looks really sick.

00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:45,208

Yes, he really needs

his toxins flushed again.

00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,502

No, I mean he looks

really sick, man.

00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,254

You should take him to,

like, a doctor.

00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,880

All: Huh?

00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:52,382

But you're more in touch

with the Earth.

00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:53,675

Look, being in touch

with the Earth

00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,718

has nothing to do

with dying, man.

00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,178

It's okay.

00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,721

We trust that you know

what you're doing.

00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,598

[groans]

00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:02,809

No, man, that kid

needs a doctor,

00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,853

and besides, we're not actually

Native Americans.

00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,063

I mean, I'm more like a--

Mexican.

00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,064

All: What?

00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,774

Yeah.

A Mexican.

00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,151

Oh, I didn't know that!

[spitting]

00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:12,318

Oh, my God.

00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,445

[screams]

00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:16,197

How dare you

deceive us like that?

00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,366

Hey, we never said

we were Native Americans, man.

00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,326

Miss Information said that.

00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:23,705

Yeah, she said nobody would

buy anything from Mexicans.

00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,916

Uh, toxins are your enemy.

00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:27,917

Kill her!

00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:31,796

[all shouting]

00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:32,797

[both chuckle]

00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,299

That's funny.

00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,050

So now can we take Kyle

to the hospital?

00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,719

Yes, of course, but we don't

have a kidney donor.

00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,179

That's alright.

00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:41,014

If you'll all help,

I think I have a plan.

00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:44,559

[alarm rings]

00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,228

[groans]

00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:48,730

[screams]

00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:52,400

That son of a bitch!

00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,985

[pounding on door]

00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,154

Okay, asshole,

give me back my kidney.

00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:57,697

Dude, please, Kyle needs it.

00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:00,283

It's mine.

Not yours, mine.

00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,452

Give it back right now,

or there's gonna be hell to pay.

00:20:02,577 --> 00:20:05,288

Alright, alright.

Here.

00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:06,998

Thank you,

and you better hope to God

00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:10,793

it still works

just like it did before.

00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,921

Doctor,

Eric Cartman is here.

00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:16,090

Why, hello there, Eric.

00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,008

You see that?

00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,176

That's mine.

00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:19,761

My asshole friend, Stan,

took my kidney,

00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,222

and I need it

put back in please.

00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:24,224

Oh, I see.

00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,808

Are you sure

that now that it's already out

00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,936

you don't want to just let

your friend, Kyle, have it?

00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:30,146

No, because it doesn't

belong to Kyle.

00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,398

It belongs to me.

It's mine.

00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:33,691

Well, alright then.

00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,026

We'll get you prepped

for surgery,

00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,194

if you'll just

sign this release.

00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:36,945

Thank you.

00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:41,866

How are you feeling, bubbe?

00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:42,867

Better.

Thanks.

00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,535

You look a lot better.

00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:47,121

Yeah, looks like western

medicine really did the trick.

00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,581

Hey, thanks for

going through all that

00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:49,666

to save my life, Stan.

00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,042

Dude, you're my best friend.

00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,710

I don't want you to die

until I do.

00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:55,046

Yeah, hey, man, we're glad

you're getting better too.

00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:57,173

Hey--hey, what's going on?

00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,925

Kyle's all better, Cartman,

thanks to you.

00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,134

Huh?

- It was all a trick.

00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,302

Your mom undid

the kidney blocker,

00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,720

and then we put ketchup

in your bed

00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:04,138

so you'd think

we took your kidney.

00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,306

Yes, but it was all

just a trick

00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,141

to get you to come in

and sign this release.

00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:08,351

Isn't that funny, sweetie?

00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:11,020

Ugh, I am so pissed off!

00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:12,605

Oh, here's everybody.

00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:14,107

Hey, Mr. Garrison.

Where have you been?

00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:16,401

Boys, I have

an announcement to make.

00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:18,403

I'm not gonna be your teacher

anymore.

00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:20,238

I've become

a best-selling author,

00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:22,365

and, Kyle, I want you to have

a signed copy

00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:23,825

as a get-well present.

00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,660

Oh.

Thanks?

00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,830

I swear I'm gonna

kill you guys!

00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,540

Careful, Cartman.

You might pop your stitches.

00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:32,041

[both laugh]

00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,334

What the--

00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:34,502

Oh, good,

you got the crappy kidney.