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Алый знак веселья
The Red Badge of Gayness
Сезон: 03Серия: 14
Описание
В традиционной реконструкции гражданской войны между Севером и Югом Картман играет за южан, подговаривая пьяную компанию побить северян.
Субтитры
- 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,514 ♪ I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,224 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,351 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:20,229 ♪ Going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,856 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:24,150 ♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,569 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:30,448 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
- 00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:33,701 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:37,204 Ready? 1, 2, 3, 4.
- 00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:44,045 Yeah, yeah! Do you like to rock?!
- 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:45,588 Yeah, I like to rock!
- 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:46,964 Hello, Baltimore!
- 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,299 Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,467 I'm playing the drum.
- 00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:50,676 Well, you have to hit it softer!
- 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:52,303 You can't just hit a drum.
- 00:00:52,428 --> 00:00:53,888 You have to beat the shit out of it.
- 00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:55,848 Shut your pie hole, or I'll kick your ass,
- 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:57,141 you fucking drum!
- 00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:58,225 That's how you rock, dude.
- 00:00:58,350 --> 00:00:59,477 You're not supposed to rock.
- 00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:00,895 You're just supposed to keep the beat.
- 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:02,980 I am keeping the beat. Your flute playing sucks!
- 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:04,065 That's it, Cartman. You can't be the drummer.
- 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:05,733 Hey, I'll get it!
- 00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:07,026 Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow.
- 00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:08,944 You're not going to get it by tomorrow. - Yes, I will!
- 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:11,572 Alright, alright. Let's just try again. 1, 2, 3, 4.
- 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,163 Yo! Does Cleveland like to rock?!
- 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,539 Yo! God damn it! Aah!
- 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,166 What?
- 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,834 Give me the drum and you play the flute.
- 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,170 No way! Flutes are totally gay. - Mrph phm rmh?
- 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,005 Cartman, I'm the leader of the reenactment fife-and-drum squad,
- 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,381 and I say you play the flute.
- 00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:30,633 Oh, well, you know what I say?
- 00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,470 Screw you guys. I'm going home.
- 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,305 You dick! - Later.
- 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,936 Alrighty, everyone.
- 00:01:42,061 --> 00:01:43,521 We just have a few things to go over
- 00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,856 before we head out to the reenactment battlefield.
- 00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,274 First of all, I have great news--
- 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,443 there are over 200 folks from around the state
- 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,237 that have come to see this year's reenactment,
- 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:52,696 and that's the best turnout ever!
- 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:56,575 Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation,
- 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:57,868 they're not gonna let him in the reenactment.
- 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,954 He'll show. - He better!
- 00:02:00,079 --> 00:02:02,915 I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor
- 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,084 is Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps,
- 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:08,003 the schnapps with the delightful taste of S'mores.
- 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:09,463 Mmmm!
- 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:11,298 Hey, it <i>does</i> taste like S'mores<i>!</i>
- 00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,884 Yeah and it's got quite a kick, too!
- 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,970 And now to clarify how the reenactment should unfold,
- 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,888 let's bring up our master historian,
- 00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:20,474 Grandpa Marvin Marsh!
- 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,811 The only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War...
- 00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:25,813 Reenactment of 1924.
- 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,106 Wow, dude! Your grandpa still isn't dead?
- 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,316 Dude, that's not cool.
- 00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,443 Good morning, gentlemen. - Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:33,404 Yeah, you're dressed up like the South.
- 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,406 Yes, this year I've decided to fight for the glorious South.
- 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,158 Screw you guys...home.
- 00:02:37,283 --> 00:02:39,827 And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time?
- 00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,453 You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment
- 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:43,080 dressed up like General Lee, fat ass.
- 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,540 Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.
- 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,250 Okay, you all know the rules.
- 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:48,502 You must fire your blanks into the air,
- 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,254 and if someone says they killed you,
- 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,881 you gotta play dead.
- 00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,132 The South loses this battle, Cartman.
- 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,550 They lose the war.
- 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,509 Nuh-uh. The South is gonna win.
- 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,510 No, they're not, stupid.
- 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,636 Yes, we are!
- 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:58,637 How much you want to bet?
- 00:02:58,762 --> 00:02:59,722 Now, remember, everybody,
- 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,432 for a good reenactment,
- 00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:03,100 we've got to pretend down to the last detail
- 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,727 that we're really in the Civil War.
- 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,187 So, when the North wins,
- 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:07,855 all of us on the Confederate side
- 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,815 should act all bummed and depressed...
- 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,775 How much you want to bet the South doesn't win?
- 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,068 Well, this war's about slavery,
- 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:15,029 so how about if the South wins,
- 00:03:15,154 --> 00:03:16,864 you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month?
- 00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:18,490 And if the North wins, you're our slave for a month?
- 00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:20,284 Right! - You're on!
- 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:21,452 Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen,
- 00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:22,703 and see you on the battlefield.
- 00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:24,955 What a dumbass!
- 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,248 Yeah, he doesn't even know that the South
- 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,958 loses the Civil War.
- 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,169 It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.
- 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,630 And with that, let's all head to Tamarack Hill
- 00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:34,006 and put on a good show!
- 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,424 Yeah!
- 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,928 Welcome to the South Park Reenactment of
- 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,388 the Battle of Tamarack Hill.
- 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,891 The men in gray are the Confederacy from the South.
- 00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:46,018 In the blue, the Union from the North.
- 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:50,231 It was a cold morning in 1862.
- 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:52,650 The Union army had to get the Bell of Appomattox
- 00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,568 down from Tamarack Hill.
- 00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,779 What ensued was a bloody battle,
- 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,949 but after many hours, the Union army prevailed.
- 00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,993 Here now is the reenactment of that great battle.
- 00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:06,080 Forward!
- 00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,458 Let's bring those Confederate bastards down!
- 00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:13,629 Fire!
- 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,382 Alright, men, fire!
- 00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:25,432 Hey, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down.
- 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,101 Ow.
- 00:04:27,226 --> 00:04:28,310 Yeah!
- 00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:36,318 Wow, so this is what it was like.
- 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:44,827 Hey, what's that guy doing?
- 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,371 Whee-hee! Long live the Confederacy!
- 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:48,580 Huh?
- 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:49,832 What the hell?
- 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,041 Hey, he took the bell!
- 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,668 He can't do that!
- 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,545 The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
- 00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:55,713 Hooray for the South!
- 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,006 Cartman, you can't do that!
- 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,049 God damn it, now we have to start over.
- 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,804 Alrighty, everyone.
- 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,764 We're going to do the entire reenactment again
- 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,850 because of some confusion over the bell.
- 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,601 Now, I know you're just trying to help, Eric,
- 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,729 but we have to let the Union army capture the bell this time.
- 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,939 But why? Why should they get the bell?
- 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:16,483 Well...'cause we're supposed to lose.
- 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,402 But we don't <i>have</i> to lose. - What?
- 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,487 Gentlemen, we can win this battle.
- 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,281 Sure, we could lose,
- 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,574 and tonight we could go back to our families
- 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,826 and say, "we did it. We lost like we were supposed to.
- 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,036 Aren't we proud?"
- 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:29,330 Or...or we take that hill,
- 00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:31,623 we take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it,
- 00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:33,417 we hold our heads high, and we yell,
- 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,127 "Not this year!
- 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:38,339 This year belongs to the Confederacy!"
- 00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:44,345 By God, he's right! - Jimbo!
- 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:47,723 No, I've been reenacting this war for 22 years now.
- 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,726 And for 22 years, us Confederate reenactors
- 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,686 have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of
- 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,146 by the Union reenactors.
- 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,606 Well, I'm sick of it!
- 00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:56,857 Yeah, why do we have to be their bitches
- 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,233 every year?
- 00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:00,235 I'm tired of losing this battle.
- 00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,945 And I say it's high time we kicked some ass!
- 00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:03,197 Who's with me?
- 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:04,990 Yeah!
- 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,495 Alright, folks, sorry for the false start.
- 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:10,746 We're ready to go again.
- 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,124 It was a cold morning in 1862.
- 00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:15,334 The Union army had--
- 00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:17,127 What the hell?
- 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,254 You're not gonna live to see another day!
- 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:20,756 Uh, what are they doing?
- 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,509 You yankee sons of bitches!
- 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,262 Ow! That hurt!
- 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:28,889 Damn it, what the hell are they doing?!
- 00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:31,892 What do we do?
- 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:32,893 Run for your life, dude!
- 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:40,526 God bless those men that fight for their freedom.
- 00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:44,029 God bless those men and God bless the Confederacy!
- 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,699 Surrender your men, General!
- 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:49,243 Jimbo, have you lost your mind?
- 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:51,120 Surrender your men, General!
- 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,996 Alright, alright, we surrender!
- 00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,628 The South wins?
- 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,296 The South wins!
- 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,465 God damn it!
- 00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,888 Well, we can all be friends now.
- 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:13,934 Come on, Randy, have some S'more Schnapps.
- 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,978 I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment.
- 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:19,773 Aw, come on, have a little sip.
- 00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,817 So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves?
- 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,193 You cheated, Cartman!
- 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:24,445 Yeah, and it doesn't matter because the bet was
- 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:25,946 that the South doesn't win the war.
- 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,614 And the South still didn't win the war, dipshit.
- 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,033 Yeah, too bad you're such a dumbass at history,
- 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,618 or you would have known that.
- 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,036 I hate you guys so much...
- 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:34,663 So very, very much.
- 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:35,497 And this is not over, not by a long shot.
- 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,461 All I'm saying is that...
- 00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,463 I-is that the Confederates
- 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,630 would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka.
- 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,632 That ain't true.
- 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,051 The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too!
- 00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:48,802 Yeah!
- 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,304 You're dreaming!
- 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:52,264 Perhaps we should take Topeka - Huh?
- 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:53,891 They mock us in Kansas, soldier.
- 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:55,476 They think the South is a joke.
- 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,519 They don't respect our authoritah!
- 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:58,687 They don't?
- 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,522 No, I say we take Topeka.
- 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,149 You know what?
- 00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,651 I'll bet we could take Topeka right now
- 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:05,903 and prove them all wrong!
- 00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:07,404 Huh? - That's right.
- 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,406 Maybe we should do what the Confederates
- 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,200 would have done and march on to Topeka.
- 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:12,784 I'll bet we could!
- 00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:14,578 I'll bet we could, too!
- 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:15,954 I'll bet you can't.
- 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,414 What?! Is that a challenge?
- 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,041 I'll bet we can!
- 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,334 I'll bet you can't
- 00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:21,585 because you guys are all pussies!
- 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:22,961 Pussies? Oh, yeah?
- 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,005 Men, it's time to show the world
- 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,257 what this Confederate army has got!
- 00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,635 We're gonna take Topeka, once and for all!
- 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,470 Yeah!
- 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:34,556 All you men, you may have lost in the Union today,
- 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,975 but join us now and win back your pride!
- 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,477 Yeah!
- 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:39,686 The Union be damned!
- 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,396 Let's go!
- 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,147 Yeah!
- 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:45,734 Oh, what was our bet again?
- 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,361 Let's see...
- 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:48,612 Yes, I remember... if the South wins,
- 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,572 you have to be my slaves for a month!
- 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,199 They're just drunk, Cartman.
- 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:53,951 As soon as they sober up, they'll stop.
- 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,285 Enjoy your freedom, gentlemen.
- 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,912 Soon you will be my propertah!
- 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,205 Come, Kenny, come fight for us,
- 00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,998 and I'll make sure you get
- 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,416 lots of plunder and womens. - Mrph rm!
- 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:18,976 Good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
- 00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:20,811 Hello, Ralph!
- 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,646 Did you happen to catch that ballgame last night?
- 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,732 I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late--
- 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,823 What's that noise, officer?
- 00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,413 Charge!
- 00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:51,883 Ow!
- 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,719 Freeze, buddy!
- 00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:55,679 These are blanks but they still hurt like hell.
- 00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,099 It's ours, it's ours!
- 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,851 We've taken Topeka!
- 00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:04,021 Alright, yank, tell us where you keep
- 00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:05,939 your Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps!
- 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,733 S-Schnapps?
- 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:08,984 Uh, I guess it would be at the liquor store.
- 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,402 Where?!
- 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:11,945 At the liquor store!
- 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,071 At the liquor store!
- 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,781 Come on, boys!
- 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:20,454 This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen!
- 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:23,040 Excuse me.
- 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:26,084 Dude, my mom is so pissed at my dad for going to Kansas.
- 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,836 I know but why do they have to take it out on us?
- 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,504 Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?
- 00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,173 Here comes the bus.
- 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:35,552 Butters, are you the only one that came back?
- 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,971 C-Confederate messenger Butters reporting, sir.
- 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,849 I have a message for you from the battlefield. - What battlefield?
- 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,352 Topeka. We're raising all kinds of hell, see?
- 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,604 It's probably the most fun I've had in several months.
- 00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,356 W-well, you gonna read your message or not?
- 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:50,067 "Dear guys...
- 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:52,277 "words cannot express how much I hate you guys.
- 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:55,072 "as we fight our way northward into the great unknown,
- 00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:57,115 "only that one thing remains certain,
- 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,533 "that I hate you guys
- 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,661 "with every tired muscle in my Confederate body.
- 00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,621 "We have taken Topeka,
- 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,539 "and now I must rally the men onward to Missouri
- 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:07,334 "because I will not stop until we have won it all
- 00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:08,752 "and you guys are my slaves.
- 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,754 "Because...I hate you guys.
- 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,048 "I hate you guys so very, very much.
- 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,966 Yours, General Cartman Lee."
- 00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:16,635 Damn it, that fat piece of shit.
- 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,220 Dude, what if Cartman really does succeed,
- 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,805 and we really do have to be his slaves?
- 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,223 That would suck so much ass.
- 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,557 We have to stop him, dude.
- 00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,017 I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us.
- 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,811 Where's the Confederate army now, Butters?
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,562 Uh, I ain't supposed to tell you that.
- 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:29,439 If I told you that, w-well, I'd be a...
- 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,066 a no-good yankee son-of-a-bitch.
- 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,193 We'll give you 10 bucks. - Oh,oh...okay.
- 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:36,822 ...And was forced to live off her own feces for several days.
- 00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:39,533 In national news, a frightening radical group from Colorado
- 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:42,077 is making its way across the southern states of America.
- 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,121 The group is recruiting new members
- 00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,748 in each town they pass through and rapidly growing in number.
- 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,750 So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard.
- 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,752 The group seems to be led by military mastermind
- 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,839 and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern,
- 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,967 who is known for his guerrilla fighting and leadership skills.
- 00:11:57,092 --> 00:12:00,679 Gimme some more S'more Schnapps! I'm gonna be sick!
- 00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,479 Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.
- 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,064 Well, come on, Billy,
- 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,524 we gotta make these little peckers stop
- 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,484 before they get themselves killed.
- 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:17,446 They say we can either fight them or join them.
- 00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:20,490 Well, I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
- 00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,868 Dad, Dad! Mom wants you to come home!
- 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:24,953 Not now, Stan. I'm pillaging!
- 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,080 Get over here!
- 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,166 You've got to stop, Dad.
- 00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:31,001 If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves.
- 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,961 This is a reenactment, Kyle.
- 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,255 My name is Private John Farcastle,
- 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,758 and I have to do what my general tells me.
- 00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,843 Hey, there's S'more Schnapps over here!
- 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470 More Schnapps!
- 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,848 I'm Sergeant Larson of the National Guard.
- 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,224 We're here to stop the terrorists.
- 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:48,059 They're not terrorists.
- 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,103 They're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.
- 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,688 Well, we can't just shoot 'em.
- 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:52,439 There's innocents and children about.
- 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,982 Dawkins! - Sir!
- 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,317 Fire a warning flare. - Yes, sir!
- 00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,158 Medic!
- 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,499 Oops! - Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,542 You bastards! - Hey!
- 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:13,502 We can't fire at them, sir.
- 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:14,544 There are too many children.
- 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:15,879 Then how do we stop them?
- 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,380 I know how...
- 00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:19,382 but we'll have to wait until dark.
- 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,472 "Dear Ms. McCormick,
- 00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,682 "It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you
- 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,851 "that your son Kenny was killed in battle
- 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,603 "on the morning of November 18th
- 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,563 "at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga.
- 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,440 "This war has taken something from all of us
- 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,275 "and although your son appears
- 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,777 "to be the only casualty so far,
- 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,779 "know that we all share your pain.
- 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,447 "Your son did not die in vain.
- 00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:43,824 "I shall persevere
- 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,450 "and make Stan and Kyle my slaves
- 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:46,701 "because I hate those guys.
- 00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:48,495 "I hate them so very, very much.
- 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,831 Yours, General Cartman Lee."
- 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,670 There, you see?
- 00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,296 We take the S'more Schnapps,
- 00:13:58,421 --> 00:13:59,214 and by morning, they're all gonna want to go home.
- 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,423 Nice thinking, Billy.
- 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,133 Let's go!
- 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,011 Where to next, General?
- 00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,222 Where did the Confederates go, son?
- 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,058 Well, I guess to Fort Sumter in South Carolina.
- 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,102 That's where the Civil War really escalated.
- 00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:13,645 Ah, splendid.
- 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,105 Then to Fort Sumter we shall go.
- 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,606 Well, that sounds great.
- 00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,149 I'm gonna get some S'more Schnapps.
- 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,901 You want anything?
- 00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,444 Yeah, could I get some of those animal cookies?
- 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:22,988 Those frosted ones with the sprinkles on 'em?
- 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,656 Uh, sure.
- 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,162 What the--
- 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:32,289 Hey, where's the S'more Schnapps?
- 00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:33,373 We're out of S'more Schnapps?
- 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,542 That can't be!
- 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,918 I guess we drank it all.
- 00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:39,462 Now what?
- 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,630 Now we just wait until morning.
- 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,215 Checkmate, Cartman.
- 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,592 Pretty soon you're gonna be our slave.
- 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:44,718 Yeah!
- 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:53,143 Ouch.
- 00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,269 Oh, my head.
- 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,896 Where am I?
- 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:57,981 Ned, I think I can say without any doubt
- 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,109 that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had.
- 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,070 Oh, oh. My head.
- 00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,906 Oh, no, I'm supposed to be at work today.
- 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,157 Me too!
- 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,909 Well, come on, everybody.
- 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,118 We've got to get to the nearest bus station quick.
- 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,413 Where are you going?
- 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,081 We're going home, kid. Come on!
- 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:16,750 We can't go home. We have to take Fort Sumter!
- 00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,293 The only thing we got to do is get home
- 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,127 before our wives leave us.
- 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,712 No.
- 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:21,630 What about the Confederacy?
- 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,089 What about freedom?
- 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:25,342 Ha ha. You lose, fat ass!
- 00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:26,718 God, I hate you guys!
- 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,303 Yeah, but, you know,
- 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,763 I think you've learned something today.
- 00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:30,764 You've learned that you can't rewrite history.
- 00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,891 You see, history is forever.
- 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,267 And everything happens for a reason.
- 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,852 You can try to change the past,
- 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,520 but usually, you kn-- where are you going?
- 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:38,647 This isn't over. Oh, no.
- 00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,649 Oh, no, not by a long shot.
- 00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:44,235 Oh, I don't believe we came all the way out here.
- 00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:45,987 Yeah, well, I don't think the bus station
- 00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,948 is too far from here.
- 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,282 How much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado
- 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,617 is gonna run?
- 00:15:57,082 --> 00:16:00,794 Hello, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl.
- 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,629 We are pleased to sponsor you
- 00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:04,422 with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
- 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,174 Uh, I can't drink any more of that stuff.
- 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,258 Me neither.
- 00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:08,802 Uh, come on, guys,
- 00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,637 just one little drink.
- 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,597 A toast to how far you came and all that you saw.
- 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:15,141 Yes, please. Do shots out of my breasts.
- 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,811 Well, I guess one little cheers is in order!
- 00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:23,441 Hey, look, Ned's doing his trick again.
- 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:25,443 Hey, guys, let's all play a game of grab-ass!
- 00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,070 What's grab-ass?
- 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,905 We just run around in circles
- 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,407 and try to grab each other's asses.
- 00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,242 Hey, that sounds fun!
- 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:34,786 I got you!
- 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,955 Oh! Ooh!
- 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,666 Gentlemen, I hate to break up the party,
- 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,584 but I believe we have a fort to take.
- 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,044 You heard the general!
- 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,004 Yeah!
- 00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:46,506 Oh, no!
- 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:47,924 We'll never stop them now.
- 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,021 Whoo-hoo!
- 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,772 Yes, yes!
- 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,988 Throughout 1861, the Confederate authorities
- 00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:11,823 tried to drive out the Union occupants
- 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,408 of Fort Sumter Peacefully.
- 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,118 But Abraham Lincoln's administration
- 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:17,704 would not surrender the fort to the Confederates,
- 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,956 so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.
- 00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:21,082 And the Confederates won the fort?
- 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,876 Yes.
- 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:24,294 Imagine what it must have been like.
- 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:26,421 You're a Union soldier stationed at this fort.
- 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,839 And one day you look out
- 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,716 and see thousands of Confederates
- 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:30,759 ready to pounce on you!
- 00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:34,179 Uh...
- 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:35,889 Take the fort! - Charge!
- 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,019 We got it! The fort is ours!
- 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:43,730 What was that?
- 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,191 Attention, political activists.
- 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:49,194 You are on government historical monument property.
- 00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:51,029 Surrender the monument with your hands up.
- 00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:53,281 If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged
- 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,283 through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
- 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,993 Give up, fat ass.
- 00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:58,244 There's over 100 National Guard guys here.
- 00:17:58,369 --> 00:18:00,121 Stuck my ass!
- 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,248 What do we do, general? We're outnumbered!
- 00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,292 We ask the state of South Carolina for recruits.
- 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,960 Some reinforcements are bound to show up.
- 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:08,171 Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.
- 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,090 You can't do that. Our dads are in there!
- 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:11,758 Sorry, son, we tried it your way.
- 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:12,759 Now we do it our way.
- 00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:13,760 Prepare the mortar!
- 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,136 Hold it right there.
- 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,516 Wow, look at that!
- 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,518 The entire state of South Carolina showed up.
- 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,561 I knew they would.
- 00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:24,979 Aw, damn it!
- 00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,356 We're ready to fight with ya.
- 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,108 Long live the Confederacy!
- 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:29,818 Yee-haw!
- 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,319 Now our numbers are truly great.
- 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,987 It is time.
- 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,615 It is time to march to Washington, D.C.
- 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,207 Hey, government!
- 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,835 You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore!
- 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,337 You hear that, government?
- 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,923 Oh, boy, this doesn't look good.
- 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,466 It's just like the Million Man March,
- 00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,260 except there actually are a million people.
- 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,555 Mr. President, a message for you from the extremists.
- 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,181 "Dear Mr. President...
- 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,142 "there are times when humans can no longer
- 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,852 "endure their government's authoritah.
- 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,146 "You must declare the Confederacy its own nation
- 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,606 "so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah.
- 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:10,316 "if you do not meet our demands,
- 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:12,068 "we will be forced to show the videotapes
- 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:13,778 we have of you with Marisa Tomel."
- 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,196 Oh, dear God!
- 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,865 We have to meet their demands!
- 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,700 What? Sir, there's not that many of them!
- 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:22,370 As vice president, I think we better give them what they want.
- 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,247 It's just the southern states. Who really needs them?
- 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,248 My hands are tied.
- 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,000 Tell General Lee
- 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:27,959 that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
- 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,419 Sir!
- 00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,129 I'm so glad I don't have your job.
- 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,091 Dude, let's just give up now
- 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:36,426 and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves.
- 00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:38,803 Damn it, Billy, this isn't about you having to be slaves.
- 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,054 This is about history.
- 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,848 We can't let them change it.
- 00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:43,933 But we've tried everything Grandpa. What else can we do?
- 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,394 Wait a minute, they're all still doing a reenactment.
- 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,605 What we have to do is play into that.
- 00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:51,524 Come on, Billy, you boys need a quick history lesson.
- 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,359 Alright, I'm gonna sign the document
- 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,863 declaring the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
- 00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,281 Hooray!
- 00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,450 Boy, we really got the president by the balls.
- 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:01,993 Good thing you have that videotape
- 00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,328 of him and Marisa Tomei.
- 00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:04,245 I don't. I made it up.
- 00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:06,915 Hey, who's that?
- 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:07,999 Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln,
- 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,709 President of the United States.
- 00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:11,169 Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis,
- 00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,004 President of the Confederacy.
- 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,048 Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?
- 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,591 What the hell are you guys doing?
- 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,509 Hey, general! He's reenacting Jefferson Davis!
- 00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:21,554 You can't talk that way to a superior officer!
- 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,139 Men, I want you all to know
- 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:24,265 that as President of the Confederacy,
- 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,351 I am hereby surrendering. - What?!
- 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:28,144 Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender
- 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,562 and agree to your conditions.
- 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,855 You and all the Confederates
- 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:31,898 will have all the S'more Schnapps
- 00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:33,107 you can drink for a year.
- 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,108 Whoa!
- 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,944 A whole year? - Alright!
- 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,487 Well, I think we got what we wanted.
- 00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,489 That's it? I don't have to sign this thing?
- 00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:42,909 Hey, come on, we should take a tour of the Smithsonian
- 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,285 before we head back.
- 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,787 No! We still have to fight!
- 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,705 Lincoln and Davis signed a treaty, General.
- 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,831 The war is over.
- 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,291 Noooo!
- 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,585 It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!
- 00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:55,630 Yeah, and now you can take that stupid beard off!
- 00:20:55,755 --> 00:21:05,754 Owwwwww!
- 00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,685 Boys, as President of the United States,
- 00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,186 I want to commend you
- 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:11,437 for stopping the rebel uprising.
- 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:12,939 Don't touch me.
- 00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:14,357 Well, Cartman, the South lost.
- 00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:15,483 That means you're our slave for a month!
- 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,652 Damn it, damn it. I was so close! Damn it.
- 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,779 The first thing I want you to do for us is--
- 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:21,739 Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave! - What?
- 00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:23,157 The North still won the Civil War.
- 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,575 That means slavery is abolished.
- 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:27,412 He's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral,
- 00:21:27,537 --> 00:21:29,622 partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
- 00:21:29,747 --> 00:21:30,790 Awww!
- 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:33,418 Oh, to hell with it. Let's just go home.
- 00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:34,752 Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton! Yeah, thanks, dick!
- 00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:17,100 Серия 314 "Алый знак веселья".
- 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:24,100 Переведено RaMoS'ом (Scias@mail.ru)
- 00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:34,100 Добро пожаловать в Саут Парк!
- 00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:37,100 Готовы? Раз, два три, четыре!
- 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:47,100 Да! Мы любим РОК! Да! Нам нравится РОК! Привет, Балтимор!
- 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,600 - Картмэн, чёрт, что ты делаешь? - Я играю на барабане.
- 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,600 Тогда не дубась так сильно!
- 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:58,100 Ты не должен просто стукать по барабану... Ты должен выбивать из него всё его говно! Я выбью его из тебя, гребанный барабан!!! Вот так мы зажигаем!!
- 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,100 Да ты не должен зажигать! Просто держи ритм.
- 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,000 Я и держу ритм! А твоя игра на флейте - полный отстой!
- 00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:04,100 Хватит, Картмэн! Ты не будешь барабанщиком!
- 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:09,100 - Нет буду! - Чувак, постановка гражданской войны завтра. А ты не прекращаешь беситься! - Я уже прекратил!
- 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,100 Так, ладно! Попробуем ещё раз. Раз, два, три, четыре!
- 00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:21,300 Так, а Кливленд любит РОК?!! Аааа, бля!!!
- 00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:25,200 -Ну, чё?! -Дай сюда барабан, будешь играть на флейте! -Нефига!! Флейта - для педиков!
- 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,200 Картмэн, я - лидер нашей постановки. И я говорю, что ты будешь играть на флейте!
- 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:32,200 Ах так?! А знаешь, что я говорю?!
- 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,100 Пошли в жопу парни, а я - домой!
- 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,100 - Гад! - Пока!
- 00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:40,100 8:04 Утро в день постановки.
- 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:46,100 Итак, внимание! Перед тем, как мы пойдём на постановку, нужно всё обговорить!
- 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:53,100 Во-первых, у меня есть хорошие новости! Около двух сотен людей приедут к нам на просмотр представления! А значит, это будет самая масштабная постановка!
- 00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:58,100 Где, блин, Картмэн? Если он пропустит сбор, его не допустят до участия!
- 00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,200 - Он придёт. - Ему же хуже.
- 00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:08,200 Я также рад представить нашего спонсора по алкоголю: шнапс от Яггермэна с новым ароматом! Шнапс с незабываемым вкусом смора!
- 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:14,200 - Эй, а он действительно на вкус как смор! - Точно! Да и по мозгам бьёт!
- 00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:20,200 А теперь, чтоб узнать, как открыть нашу постановку, давайте поприветствуем нашего организатора и мастера Марвина Марша!
- 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:26,100 Единственный человек, который настолько стар, что видел постановку Гражданской войны 1924-го года!
- 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,100 - Ух ты, чувак, твой дедушка до сих пор жив? - Да, и это не круто.
- 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,100 Доброе утро, джентльмены!
- 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:33,100 - Картмэн, что ты, черт возьми делаешь? - Да, ты оделся как южанин!
- 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:40,100 Именно! Я собираюсь в этом году воевать за доблестный Юг! Пошли в жопу! Я домой! И хочу сказать, что на этот раз мы надерем вам задницы!
- 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:45,100 - Ты не можешь просто так войти в постановку Гражданской войны, одетый генералом Ли, жирная жопа! - Неужели?! А я уверен, что могу!
- 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:51,100 Итак, вы все знаете правила: стрелять только в воздух, и если кто-то говорит, что убил вас, вы притворяетесь умершими.
- 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,100 Южане проиграли эту битву, Картмэн. Они проиграли войну.
- 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,000 - Не-а. Юг победит. - Нет, не победит,тупой!
- 00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,100 - Нет победит! - На что спорим?
- 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:05,100 А теперь все запомните: чтобы постановка была хорошая, мы должны придерживаться самых мельчайших деталей, как будто это - настоящая гражданская война.
- 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:10,000 Поэтому, когда Север победит, мы все, Южане, показываем свою грусть и разочарование.
- 00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:17,000 - Ну, Картмэн, на что спорим, что Юг не победит? - Это война из-за рабства, так что как насчет того, что если Юг победит, вы, две дырки в жопе, станете моими рабами на месяц?
- 00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:20,000 - А если победит Север, то ты станешь нашим рабом на месяц? - Точно! - Тогда мы согласны!
- 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:23,100 Что ж, джентльмены, желаю вам доброго утра, увидимся на поле боя!
- 00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:30,100 - Ха, ха, ха! Ну и тупой! - Точно! Он даже не знает, что Юг проиграл гражданскую войну! - Будет прикольно, иметь Картмэна в качестве раба!
- 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,100 Итак, а теперь пойдемте на холм Темрок и устроим отличное шоу!
- 00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,100 9:00 утра Постановка.
- 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:41,100 Добро пожаловать на постановку жителей Саут Парка битвы за холм Темрок!
- 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,100 В сером - войска Конфедерации Юга.
- 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,100 В синем - объединенные войска Севера!
- 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:55,100 Было холодное утро 1862 года! Объединенные войска должны захватить колокол, расположенный на холме Темрок.
- 00:03:55,200 --> 00:04:03,100 Битва была кровавая, но после многих часов Объединенные войска одержали победу. Вот постановка этого великого сражения!
- 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,100 Вперед!
- 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,300 Давайте покажем этим сволочам с Юга, где раки зимуют!
- 00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:14,100 Огонь!
- 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,100 Давайте, парни, огонь!
- 00:04:23,100 --> 00:04:25,600 Эй, Нед, я тебя застрелил. Ты должен упасть.
- 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,100 Так вот как это было.
- 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,100 Эй, а что это тот парень делает?
- 00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:48,100 Да здравствует Конфедерация!
- 00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:50,100 Эй, что за фигня!?!?
- 00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:53,100 - Он захватил колокол! - Он не мог этого сделать!
- 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,100 Конфедерация не захватывала колокол!
- 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,100 - Да здравствует Юг! - Картмэн, что ты делаешь?
- 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,100 Вашу мать! Теперь мы должны всё переиграть!
- 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:01,800 10:24 утра. Постановка. Вторая попытка.
- 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:08,100 Итак, мы должны переиграть всю постановку заново из-за небольшого конфуза с колоколом.
- 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:13,100 Я понимаю, что ты хотел помочь, Эрик, но мы должны дать Объединенной армии захватить флаг.
- 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:18,100 - Но почему они должны захватить колокол? - Ну, потому что мы должны проиграть. - Мы должны, но не обязаны!
- 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,100 Что?!
- 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:28,100 Джентльмены, мы можем выиграть эту битву! Конечно мы можем спокойно проиграть и, придя домой, заявить: мы проиграли, как мы и должны были! Мы так горды собой!
- 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:38,100 Или. Или мы можем захватить холм! Захватить и, поднявшись на него, прокричать: не в этот год! Этот год принадлежит Конфедерации!
- 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:45,100 - Точно! А он прав! - Джимбо!
- 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:55,100 Я принимаю участие в этих постановках уже 22 года! И все эти 22 года войска Конфедерации должны поддаваться и унижаться перед Объединенными войсками ради их потехи!
- 00:05:55,200 --> 00:06:00,100 - Я этим сыт уже по горло! - Да, почему это они должны всегда нас пинать?! - Я уже за*бался проигрывать эту битву!
- 00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:04,100 И я хочу сказать, что пришло время кое-кому надрать задниц! Кто со мной??
- 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:16,000 Итак, люди, извините, что заставили вас ждать. Мы готовы начать заново. Было холодное утро 1862 года. Объединенные войска должны...
- 00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:24,100 - Что они делают? - Вы, поганые янки, сукины дети!!!
- 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:27,900 Э! Это же больно!
- 00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:30,100 Что же вы, вашу мать, делаете?
- 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:34,100 - Что же делать? - Спасать свою жизнь, чувак!
- 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:44,100 Благослови Бог этих людей, которые сражаются за свою свободу. Благослови Бог этих людей. И благослови Бог Конфедерацию!
- 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:50,100 - Прикажи своим людям сдаться, генерал! - Джимбо, ты сошел с ума?
- 00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:54,100 - Прикажи своим людям сдаться!!! - Хорошо, хорошо! Мы сдаёмся!
- 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:00,500 Юг победил?
- 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,300 Юг победил!!!
- 00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:05,100 Вашу мать!!
- 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,100 8:45 вечера Вечеринка после постановки.
- 00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:16,100 - Эй, парни, да ладно вам! Мы ведь друзья! Ренди, на, выпей шнапса. - Я не могу веселиться, вы завалили постановку!
- 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,200 Брось, Ренди, глотни немного.
- 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,100 - Итак, парни, готовы стать моими рабами? - Ты сжульничал, Картмэн!
- 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:31,100 - Да к тому же мы спорили на победу Юга в войне, а не в битве, а Юг войну не выиграл, гавнюк! - Да, если бы ты знал историю, тупица, то понимал бы это!
- 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:37,100 Эх... Я ненавижу вас, парни. Очень, очень сильно ненавижу! Но это только начало. У меня большие планы!
- 00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:48,100 - Я хочу сказать, что... что Южан всё равно надрали в Топике. - Неправда! Мы и в Топике победим!
- 00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,100 Вы бредите!
- 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,100 - Возможно, нам следует завоевать и Топику! - Чё??
- 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:58,100 - Они сделали из нас посмешище в Канзасе, солдат! Они думают, что Южане - это клоуны! Они не уважают нашу власть! - Не уважают?
- 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:06,100 - Нет, и я говорю, что мы должны захватить Топику! - Знаете что?! А давайте нападем на Топику и покажем, как сильно они ошибаются!
- 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:11,100 - Чё? - Точно! Мы можем сделать тоже, что и Южане, напасть на Топику!
- 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,100 - Я думаю, что можем! - Я тоже так думаю!!
- 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:19,100 - А я думаю, что нет. - Что? Это вызов?! Я говорю, мы можем!
- 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:30,100 - А я думаю, что вы не можете. Потому что вы все бабы! - Бабы?! Ах, так?! Люди! Время показать миру, что такое армия Конфедерации! Мы сейчас же пойдём и захватим Топику!
- 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:37,100 Мужики, вы сегодня проиграли, как Северяне, поэтому присоединяйтесь к нам и восстановите свою поруганую гордость!
- 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,100 К черту войска Севера!
- 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,100 Вперед!!!
- 00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:50,100 Итак, о чем мы спорили? Дайте подумать... А, да! Я вспомнил! Если Юг победит, вы станете моими рабами на месяц.
- 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,100 Они просто пьяны, Картмэн! Когда они протрезвеют, то остановят тебя!
- 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,100 Да, конечно, джентльмены, я уважаю вашу свободу, но скоро вы станете моей собственностью!
- 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,100 Идём, Кенни! Сражайся за нас, и я уверяю тебя, скоро ты получишь много бабла и тёлок!
- 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,200 7:53 утра. Топика, штат Канзас.
- 00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,200 - Доброе утро, миссис Холлис! - Привет, Ральф!
- 00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:25,200 - Вы успели посмотреть вчера игру? - К сожалению, нет, вчера я допоздна проверяла работы.
- 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,400 Что это за звуки, офицер?
- 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,400 Мужик, стоять! Это - не настоящие пули, но все равно бьют очень больно!
- 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,400 Он наш! Он наш! Мы захватили Топику!
- 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:09,400 - Так, янки! Говори, где вы прячете шнапс со вкусом смора? - Эээээ... Шнапс? Наверное, он в винном магазине.
- 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,400 -ГДЕ!?!?!? -В винном магазине! В винном магазине!...
- 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,400 Вперед, парни!
- 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,200 Эта - самая странная вещь, которую я когда-либо видела.
- 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,200 Извините, мэм.
- 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:28,200 - Чувак, моя мама прям с ума сошла, когда узнала, что отец отправился в Канзас. - Я знаю, но почему надо было нас оставлять?
- 00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:30,200 - Почему мы должны ждать их тут? - Вот и автобус!
- 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:40,200 - Баттерс?! Ты - единственный, кто приехал? - Ээээ... Посыльный Конфедерации Баттерс докладывает! У меня для вас письмо с фронта.
- 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,200 С какого фронта?!
- 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:47,200 Ээээ... Ну мы Топику захватили и все к чёрту разгромили. Это было самое веселое за последние несколько месяцев. Так вы будете письмо-то читать или нет?
- 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,200 Дорогие Стэн и Кайл, никакими словами не передать то, как я ненавижу вас, парни.
- 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:56,200 Мы постепенно продвигаемся на север, мы постоянно захватываем новые города, но одно остаётся прежним.
- 00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:04,200 Это - то, как я ненавижу вас, парни. Ненавижу вас каждой клеткой своего конфедеративного тела! Мы уже захватили Топику, и я должен двигать своих людей на Миссури.
- 00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:08,200 Потому что я не остановлюсь, пока не выиграю всю войны, чтобы вы, парни, стали моими рабами. А знаете, почему?
- 00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:14,200 Потому что я ненавижу вас, парни, очень-очень сильно ненавижу. Искренне ваш, генерал Картмэн Ли.
- 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:20,200 - Вот жирный кусок дерьма! - Чувак, а что, если он и вправду выиграет войны, и мы должны будем стать его рабами?!
- 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:23,200 - Тогда это будет х*ёво. - Мы должны его остановить!
- 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:28,200 - Надо поговорить с моим дедом, он поможет нам. Где ваша армия сейчас, Баттерс? - Эээ... Мне нельзя вам это рассказывать.
- 00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:32,200 - Если я вам все расскажу, то стану нехорошим янки, сукиным сыном! - Мы тебе 10 баксов дадим.
- 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:33,200 Тогда ладно!
- 00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:37,200 ...и она была вынуждена жить со своим говном еще несколько дней.
- 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:42,200 Государственные новости: радикально настроенная группа людей из Колорадо держит свой путь через южные штаты.
- 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:47,200 Эта группировка пополняет свои ряды людьми из городов, котрые они проходят. Постепенно их количество очень сильно возрастает.
- 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:57,200 Поэтому власть решила привлечь к этому делу Национальную оборону. Лидером группировки является Джимбо Кёрн, бывший военный и коренной радикал, обладающий всеми задатками бойца и лидера.
- 00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,200 Дайте мне ещё сморового шнапса, а то сейчас блевать начну.
- 00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:05,200 14:35 Чаттануга, штат Теннесси.
- 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:14,200 - О, Господи, это хуже, чем я думал. - Пойдем, Билли, остановим этих идиотов, пока они не поубивали друг друга.
- 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,200 - Я же говорю. Мы должны либо присоединиться к ним, либо сражаться против них! - Я лучше присоединюсь, их пули больно бьют!
- 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:26,200 - Папа! Папа! Мама хочет, чтоб ты вернулся! - Не сейчас, Стэн! Не видишь, я тут мародерствую? ЭЙ, ТЫ КУДА?!
- 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:31,200 Папа, ты должен остановиться! Если Юг победит, мы станем рабами Картмэна на месяц!
- 00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:38,200 Это же не по настоящему, Кайл. Я - рядовой Джон Фаркасл, и я должен делать то, что приказывает мне мой генерал.
- 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,200 - Эй, там есть ещё шнапс! - Ещё шнапса!
- 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,200 Я - сержант Национальной гвардии Ларсон. Мы здесь, чтобы остановить террористов!
- 00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:53,200 - Они не террористы. Они просто бухие придурки из Колорадо! - Тогда мы не можем стрелять по ним. Там невиновные и дети. Доукинс!
- 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,200 - Сэр! - Пусти сигнальную ракету! - Есть, сэр!
- 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,200 Нужна помощь!
- 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,200 Боже мой, они убили Кенни!
- 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:12,200 Сволочи!
- 00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:16,200 - Мы не можем стрелять по ним, там дети! - Тогда как же нам их остановить?
- 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:19,200 Я знаю, как. Но мы должны подождать до темноты.
- 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:34,200 Уважаемая миссис МакКормик, с величайшей тяжестью в сердце я сообщаю вам, что ваш сын Кенни пал жертвой на поле битвы 18 ноября в Чаттануге.
- 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:40,200 Это война взяла что-нибудь у каждого из нас, но только Кенни стал жертвой этого жестокого действа, поэтому можете быть уверены, что мы все скорбим вместе с Вами.
- 00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:45,200 Жертва вашего сына не была напрасной, я добьюсь своего и сделаю Стэна и Кайла моими рабами.
- 00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:50,400 Потому что я ненавижу этих парней, очень-очень сильно ненавижу. С уважением, генерал Картмэн Ли.
- 00:13:56,200 --> 00:14:01,200 - Видите? Мы возьмём весь шнапс, и уже утром они все будут дома. - Отличная идея, Билли!
- 00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:02,200 Вперед!
- 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,700 - Куда пойдем дальше, генерал? - А куда в своё время пошли войска Конфедерации, сынок?
- 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:16,200 - Ну... К форту Самтур в Южной Каролине. Там Гражданская война достигла своего апогея! - Так! Отлично! Тогда идём на форт Самтур!
- 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:20,200 - Что ж, хорошо! Пойду возьму ещё шнапса. Вам что-нибудь принести?
- 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,200 - Да. Можно мне те печенюшки в виде животных, посыпанные шоколадной стружкой? - Да, конечно!
- 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,200 - Э?! Чё за ...? Где весь шнапс? - У нас кончился шнапс?
- 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,200 - Этого не может быть! - Наверное, мы всё выпили.
- 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,200 - И что теперь? - Теперь ждем до завтра.
- 00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:44,200 - Шах и мат, Картмэн! Скоро ты станешь нашим рабом! - Да!
- 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,400 7:29 утра 7 часов без шнапса.
- 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,400 - О, моя голова. - Где это я?
- 00:14:55,500 --> 00:15:00,500 Нэд, я скажу без всякого сомнения, что это был самый долгий запой, в котором мы когда-либо находились!
- 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,300 О моя голова! О... моя голова.
- 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,400 - Я же должен быть вчера работать! - И я тоже!
- 00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:10,400 Слушайте все! Мы должны как можно быстрее добраться до ближайшей автобусной остановки!
- 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,400 - Куда вы все? - Мы домой, мальчик. Пойдём с нами.
- 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:19,400 - Но мы не можем идти! Но мы должны захватить форт Самтур! - Единственное, что мы должны сделать, это - попасть домой, пока наши жены не ушли от нас.
- 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:22,400 Нет! А как же Конфедерация? А как же свобода?
- 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,400 - Ха, ха! Ты проиграл, жирдяй! - Боже! Я ненавижу вас, парни!
- 00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:30,400 Я думаю, ты понял кое-что сегодня. Ты понял, что не можешь переписать историю.
- 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:36,400 История - это навечно. В ней все происходит по-своему. Ты, конечно, можешь попробовать изменить прошлое, но обычно...
- 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:40,400 - Ты куда это? - Это ещё не конец! Нет, нет! У меня большие планы!
- 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:47,400 - Я не верю, что мы уже столько прошли. - Ага! Я не думал, что автобусная остановка так далеко.
- 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,400 А сколько по-вашему стоит билет до Колорадо?
- 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,400 Привет! Я Сюзанна! Девушка со шнапсом!
- 00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:04,400 Мы рады спонсировать вас шнапсом, который вам так необходим!
- 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,400 - Не! Я не могу больше пить это! - Я тоже!
- 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:12,400 Да давайте, парни! Один маленький глоточек! Тост за то, как вы далеко зашли и сколько увидели!
- 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,400 Да, давайте, выпейте из моего лифчика!
- 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,400 Ну один-то глоточек не повредит.
- 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,400 Э! Смотрите, Нэд опять прикалывается!
- 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,400 - Парни, давайте играть в игру "хватай жопу"! - А как это?
- 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:30,400 Мы должны бегать по кругу и пытаться ухватить друг-друга за жопу!
- 00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,400 Звучит весело!
- 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:43,400 - Джентльмены! Я не хочу прерывать веселье, но мы должны напасть на форт! - Вы слышали, что говорит генерал?!
- 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,400 - О нет! - Теперь нам их не остановить!
- 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,400 Да! Круто!
- 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:17,400 В 1861 году Конфедерация хотела без боя взять этот форт, но администрация Абраама Линкольна не хотела сдавать его своим противникам.
- 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,400 Тогда Джефферсон Дейвис решил начать боевые действия.
- 00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:21,400 И Конфедерация захватила форт?
- 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:26,400 Да. Представьте, как это было. Вы - солдат Объединенных войск, находящийся в этом форте.
- 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:30,400 И в один день, вы выглядываете и видите тысячи солдат Конфедерации, готовые ворваться сюда!
- 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,400 - Взять форт! - Вперёд!
- 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,400 Мы сделали это! Мы захватили форт!
- 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,400 Что это было?
- 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:50,400 Внимание, активисты! Вы находитесь на государственной исторической территории! Выходите по одному с поднятыми руками!
- 00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:55,400 А если вам нужна экскурсия по форту, то в этом вам может помочь Торговая палата Южной Каролины!
- 00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:58,400 Выходи, жирный, здесь более сотни солдат Национальной гвардии!
- 00:17:58,500 --> 00:17:59,400 Соси болт!
- 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,400 Что же делать, генерал, мы в меньшинстве!
- 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:05,400 Мы запросили у Южной Каролины подкрепления. Скоро придет подмога!
- 00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:08,400 Так, ладно. Снесите здесь всё к чертям!
- 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,400 Вы не можете! Там наши отцы!
- 00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:14,400 Извини, сынок. Мы пробовали по-вашему. Теперь будем делать по-нашему. Готовьте мортиру!
- 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:15,400 Смотрите! Вон там!
- 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:23,400 - Ух ты! Посмотрите! Это - войска из Южной Каролины! - Я знал, что они придут.
- 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,400 Вашу ж мать!
- 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:28,400 Мы готовы сражаться за вас! Да здравствует Конфедерация!
- 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,400 А теперь нас действительно много! Пришло время...
- 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:35,900 Пришло время идти на Вашингтон!
- 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:41,600 7:45 утра Вашингтон, округ Колумбия.
- 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:50,100 Эй, Правительство! Ты больше не можешь игнорировать наши страдальческие крики! Слышало?! Правительство?!
- 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,100 Да. Выглядит нехорошо.
- 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:56,100 Как будто массовая забастовка миллиона человек, если не учесть, что их не миллион!
- 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,600 Господин Президент! Вам письмо от экстремистов!
- 00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:04,100 Уважаемый г-н Президент! Иногда приходит время, когда люди не могут выносить власти своего правительства.
- 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:09,100 Вы должны объявить Конфедерацию отдельной страной, чтобы мы могли войти в грядущий миллениум процветающей, богатой нацией!
- 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:14,100 Если вы не выполните наши требования, то мы будем вынуждены показать видеозапись, где вы засняты с Марисой Томе.
- 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,100 О, Боже! Мы должны сделать всё, что они хотят!
- 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:22,100 - Что?! Но... их же не так много. - Как вице-президент я считаю, что мы должны сделать то, что они хотят.
- 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,100 Это же южные штаты, кому они нахрен нужны?
- 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,100 - У меня связаны руки! Передайте генералу Ли, что я встречусь с ним около Капитолия. - Сэр!
- 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,100 Блин, хорошо, что у меня не твоя работа!
- 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,100 Блин, чувак, наверное, нам надо смириться, что мы станем рабами Картмэна!
- 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:42,100 Чёрт, Билли, при чём тут рабы вы или нет? Это же история! Мы не должны позволить им изменить её!
- 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,100 Но мы уже всё испробовали, дедушка. Что мы ещё можем сделать?
- 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:52,100 Минуту! У них всё ещё постановка! Мы должны сыграть в ней! Идёмте, вам нужен небольшой урок истории!
- 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:57,100 Итак, я готов подписать документ, который утверждает, что Конфедерация выиграла Гражданскую войну.
- 00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:04,100 Мальчик, мы схватили президента за яйца! Хорошо, что ты добыл кассету с ним и Марисой Томе.
- 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,900 Я её не добывал. Я подделал её!
- 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:07,100 Эй, а это - кто?
- 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,100 Добрый день! Я - Абраам Линкольн, президент Соединённых Штатов!
- 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:13,100 Да, а я - Джефферсон Дейвис, президент Конфедерации!
- 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,100 Парни, вот это интрига, да?
- 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,100 Что, вашу мать, вы здесь делаете?
- 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:22,100 Эй, генерал, это же - Джефферсон Дейвис! Ты не можешь так разговаривать со старшим по званию.
- 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:26,100 Парни, я хотел, чтоб вы знали, что я только что сдался.
- 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,100 Что?!
- 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:33,600 Что ж, я, Абраам Линкольн, принимаю вашу капитуляцию и заявляю, что вы и все ваши войска получат столько шнапса, сколько вы сможете выпить за год!
- 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:38,100 - На целый год?! - Отлично! Я думаю, мы добились того, чего хотели.
- 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,100 Так я не должен подписывать это?
- 00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:45,100 Так, ну, пойдёмте проведем экскурсию, раз уж мы здесь.
- 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,100 - Нет, мы должны продолжать сражаться! - Линкольн и Дейвис подписали мир, генерал. Война окончена!
- 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,100 Нееееееееет!
- 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,100 Вот теперь всё кончено, Картмэн. Ты проиграл!
- 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,100 Да, и теперь ты можешь снять свою тупую бороду!
- 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:12,100 Мальчики, я хочу похвалить вас и вашу способность усмирять пьяных восставших.
- 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,100 Не прикосайся ко мне!
- 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,100 Картмэн, Юг проиграл, а это значит, что ты - наш раб на месяц!
- 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,100 Чёрт! Я же был так близко! Черт!
- 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,100 - Итак, первое, что мы хотим от тебя... - Стойте! Я не могу быть вашим рабом!
- 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:25,100 - Что? - Север победил, а это значит, что рабство официально запрещено!
- 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:30,100 Он прав, мальчики. Рабство - аморально и незаконно. Оно запрещено благодаря победе Севера в войне.
- 00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:34,100 А, твою мать! Ладно, пойдем домой! Спасибо тебе, Билл Клинтон!
- 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,100 Да, спасибо! У*бок!
- 00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,100 Надеюсь, вам понравилось!
- 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,100 Я старался. Очень:)
- 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,514 ♪ I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,224 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,351 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:20,229 ♪ Going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,856 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:24,150 ♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪
- 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,569 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:30,448 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
- 00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:33,701 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:37,204 Ready? 1, 2, 3, 4.
- 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:39,331 [fife and drum play]
- 00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:44,045 Yeah, yeah! Do you like to rock?!
- 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:45,588 Yeah, I like to rock!
- 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:46,964 Hello, Baltimore!
- 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,299 Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,467 I'm playing the drum.
- 00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:50,676 Well, you have to hit it softer!
- 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:52,303 You can't just hit a drum.
- 00:00:52,428 --> 00:00:53,888 You have to beat the shit out of it.
- 00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:55,848 Shut your pie hole, or I'll kick your ass,
- 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:57,141 you fucking drum!
- 00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:58,225 That's how you rock, dude.
- 00:00:58,350 --> 00:00:59,477 You're not supposed to rock.
- 00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:00,895 You're just supposed to keep the beat.
- 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:02,980 I am keeping the beat. Your flute playing sucks!
- 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:04,065 That's it, Cartman. You can't be the drummer.
- 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:05,733 Hey, I'll get it!
- 00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:07,026 Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow.
- 00:01:07,151 --> 00:01:08,944 You're not going to get it by tomorrow. - Yes, I will!
- 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:11,572 Alright, alright. Let's just try again. 1, 2, 3, 4.
- 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,741 [fife and drum play]
- 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,163 Yo! Does Cleveland like to rock?!
- 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,539 Yo! God damn it! Aah!
- 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,166 What?
- 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,834 Give me the drum and you play the flute.
- 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,170 No way! Flutes are totally gay. - Mrph phm rmh?
- 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,005 Cartman, I'm the leader of the reenactment fife-and-drum squad,
- 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,381 and I say you play the flute.
- 00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:30,633 Oh, well, you know what I say?
- 00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,470 Screw you guys. I'm going home.
- 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,305 You dick! - Later.
- 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:40,017 [indistinct conversations]
- 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,936 Jimbo: Alrighty, everyone.
- 00:01:42,061 --> 00:01:43,521 We just have a few things to go over
- 00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,856 before we head out to the reenactment battlefield.
- 00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,274 First of all, I have great news--
- 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,443 there are over 200 folks from around the state
- 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,237 that have come to see this year's reenactment,
- 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:52,696 and that's the best turnout ever!
- 00:01:52,822 --> 00:01:54,865 [cheering]
- 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:56,575 Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation,
- 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:57,868 they're not gonna let him in the reenactment.
- 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,954 He'll show. - He better!
- 00:02:00,079 --> 00:02:02,915 I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor
- 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,084 is Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps,
- 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:08,003 the schnapps with the delightful taste of S'mores.
- 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:09,463 [all] Mmmm!
- 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:11,298 Hey, it <i>does</i> taste like S'mores<i>!</i>
- 00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,884 [coughs] Yeah and it's got quite a kick, too!
- 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,970 And now to clarify how the reenactment should unfold,
- 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,888 let's bring up our master historian,
- 00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:20,474 Grandpa Marvin Marsh!
- 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,811 The only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War...
- 00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:25,813 Reenactment of 1924.
- 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,106 Wow, dude! Your grandpa still isn't dead?
- 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,316 Dude, that's not cool.
- 00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,443 Good morning, gentlemen. - Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:33,404 Yeah, you're dressed up like the South.
- 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,406 Yes, this year I've decided to fight for the glorious South.
- 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,158 Screw you guys...home.
- 00:02:37,283 --> 00:02:39,827 And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time?
- 00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,453 You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment
- 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:43,080 dressed up like General Lee, fat ass.
- 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,540 Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.
- 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,250 Okay, you all know the rules.
- 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:48,502 You must fire your blanks into the air,
- 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,254 and if someone says they killed you,
- 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,881 you gotta play dead.
- 00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,132 The South loses this battle, Cartman.
- 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,550 They lose the war.
- 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,509 Nuh-uh. The South is gonna win.
- 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,510 No, they're not, stupid.
- 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,636 Yes, we are!
- 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:58,637 How much you want to bet?
- 00:02:58,762 --> 00:02:59,722 Now, remember, everybody,
- 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,432 for a good reenactment,
- 00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:03,100 we've got to pretend down to the last detail
- 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,727 that we're really in the Civil War.
- 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,187 So, when the North wins,
- 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:07,855 all of us on the Confederate side
- 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,815 should act all bummed and depressed...
- 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,775 How much you want to bet the South doesn't win?
- 00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,068 Well, this war's about slavery,
- 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:15,029 so how about if the South wins,
- 00:03:15,154 --> 00:03:16,864 you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month?
- 00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:18,490 And if the North wins, you're our slave for a month?
- 00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:20,284 Right! - You're on!
- 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:21,452 Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen,
- 00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:22,703 and see you on the battlefield.
- 00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:24,955 What a dumbass!
- 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,248 Yeah, he doesn't even know that the South
- 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,958 loses the Civil War.
- 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,169 It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.
- 00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:32,630 And with that, let's all head to Tamarack Hill
- 00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:34,006 and put on a good show!
- 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,424 [all] Yeah!
- 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,928 [announcer] Welcome to the South Park Reenactment of
- 00:03:39,053 --> 00:03:41,388 the Battle of Tamarack Hill.
- 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,891 The men in gray are the Confederacy from the South.
- 00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:46,018 In the blue, the Union from the North.
- 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:50,231 It was a cold morning in 1862.
- 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:52,650 The Union army had to get the Bell of Appomattox
- 00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,568 down from Tamarack Hill.
- 00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,779 What ensued was a bloody battle,
- 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,949 but after many hours, the Union army prevailed.
- 00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,993 Here now is the reenactment of that great battle.
- 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,370 [whistle blows]
- 00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:06,080 Forward!
- 00:04:06,205 --> 00:04:09,458 Let's bring those Confederate bastards down!
- 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,709 [fife and drum music plays]
- 00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:13,629 Fire!
- 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:14,838 [gunshots, cheers]
- 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,382 Alright, men, fire!
- 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:17,549 [gunfire]
- 00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:19,510 [laughter, shouting]
- 00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:25,432 Hey, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down.
- 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,101 [voice box] Ow.
- 00:04:27,226 --> 00:04:28,310 Yeah!
- 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:29,853 [cow moos]
- 00:04:34,692 --> 00:04:36,318 Wow, so this is what it was like.
- 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:44,827 Hey, what's that guy doing?
- 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,371 Whee-hee! Long live the Confederacy!
- 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:48,580 [all] Huh?
- 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:49,832 What the hell?
- 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,041 Hey, he took the bell!
- 00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,668 He can't do that!
- 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,545 The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
- 00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:55,713 Hooray for the South!
- 00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,006 Cartman, you can't do that!
- 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,049 God damn it, now we have to start over.
- 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,804 Alrighty, everyone.
- 00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,764 We're going to do the entire reenactment again
- 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,850 because of some confusion over the bell.
- 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,601 Now, I know you're just trying to help, Eric,
- 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,729 but we have to let the Union army capture the bell this time.
- 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,939 But why? Why should they get the bell?
- 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:16,483 Well...'cause we're supposed to lose.
- 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,402 But we don't <i>have</i> to lose. - What?
- 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,487 Gentlemen, we can win this battle.
- 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,281 Sure, we could lose,
- 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,574 and tonight we could go back to our families
- 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:25,826 and say, "we did it. We lost like we were supposed to.
- 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,036 Aren't we proud?"
- 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:29,330 Or...or we take that hill,
- 00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:31,623 we take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it,
- 00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:33,417 we hold our heads high, and we yell,
- 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,127 "Not this year!
- 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:38,339 This year belongs to the Confederacy!"
- 00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:44,345 By God, he's right! - Jimbo!
- 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:47,723 No, I've been reenacting this war for 22 years now.
- 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,726 And for 22 years, us Confederate reenactors
- 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,686 have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of
- 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,146 by the Union reenactors.
- 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:55,606 Well, I'm sick of it!
- 00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:56,857 Yeah, why do we have to be their bitches
- 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,233 every year?
- 00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:00,235 I'm tired of losing this battle.
- 00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,945 And I say it's high time we kicked some ass!
- 00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:03,197 Who's with me?
- 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:04,990 [all] Yeah!
- 00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,495 Alright, folks, sorry for the false start.
- 00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:10,746 We're ready to go again.
- 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,124 It was a cold morning in 1862.
- 00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:15,334 The Union army had-- [men shouting]
- 00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:17,127 What the hell?
- 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,254 Man: You're not gonna live to see another day!
- 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:20,756 Uh, what are they doing?
- 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,509 You yankee sons of bitches!
- 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,719 [gunshots]
- 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,262 Ow! That hurt!
- 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:28,889 Damn it, what the hell are they doing?!
- 00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:31,892 What do we do?
- 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:32,893 Run for your life, dude!
- 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:40,526 God bless those men that fight for their freedom.
- 00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:44,029 God bless those men and God bless the Confederacy!
- 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,699 Surrender your men, General!
- 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:49,243 Jimbo, have you lost your mind?
- 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:51,120 Surrender your men, General!
- 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,996 Alright, alright, we surrender!
- 00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,628 The South wins?
- 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,296 The South wins!
- 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,464 [cheering]
- 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,465 God damn it!
- 00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,888 [slurred] Well, we can all be friends now.
- 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:13,934 Come on, Randy, have some S'more Schnapps.
- 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,978 I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment.
- 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:19,773 Aw, come on, have a little sip.
- 00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,817 So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves?
- 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,193 You cheated, Cartman!
- 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:24,445 Yeah, and it doesn't matter because the bet was
- 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:25,946 that the South doesn't win the war.
- 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,614 And the South still didn't win the war, dipshit.
- 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,033 Yeah, too bad you're such a dumbass at history,
- 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,618 or you would have known that.
- 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,036 [sighs] I hate you guys so much...
- 00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:34,663 So very, very much.
- 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:35,497 And this is not over, not by a long shot.
- 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,461 [slurred] All I'm saying is that...
- 00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,463 I-is that the Confederates
- 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,630 would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka.
- 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,632 That ain't true.
- 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,051 The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too!
- 00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:48,802 [all] Yeah!
- 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,304 You're dreaming!
- 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:52,264 Perhaps we should take Topeka - Huh?
- 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:53,891 They mock us in Kansas, soldier.
- 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:55,476 They think the South is a joke.
- 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,519 They don't respect our authoritah!
- 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:58,687 They don't?
- 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,522 No, I say we take Topeka.
- 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,149 You know what?
- 00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,651 I'll bet we could take Topeka right now
- 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:05,903 and prove them all wrong!
- 00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:07,404 Huh? - That's right.
- 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,406 Maybe we should do what the Confederates
- 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,200 would have done and march on to Topeka.
- 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:12,784 I'll bet we could!
- 00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:14,578 I'll bet we could, too!
- 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:15,954 I'll bet you can't.
- 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,414 What?! Is that a challenge?
- 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,041 I'll bet we can!
- 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,334 [higher voice] I'll bet you can't
- 00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:21,585 because you guys are all pussies!
- 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:22,961 Pussies? Oh, yeah?
- 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,005 Men, it's time to show the world
- 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,257 what this Confederate army has got!
- 00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,635 We're gonna take Topeka, once and for all!
- 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,470 [all] Yeah!
- 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:34,556 All you men, you may have lost in the Union today,
- 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,975 but join us now and win back your pride!
- 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,477 Yeah!
- 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:39,686 The Union be damned!
- 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,396 Let's go!
- 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,147 [all] Yeah!
- 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:45,734 Oh, what was our bet again?
- 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,361 Let's see...
- 00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:48,612 Yes, I remember... if the South wins,
- 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,572 you have to be my slaves for a month!
- 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,199 They're just drunk, Cartman.
- 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:53,951 As soon as they sober up, they'll stop.
- 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,285 Enjoy your freedom, gentlemen.
- 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,912 Soon you will be my propertah!
- 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,205 Come, Kenny, come fight for us,
- 00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,998 and I'll make sure you get
- 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,416 lots of plunder and womens. - Mrph rm!
- 00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,876 [shouting]
- 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,298 [rooster crows]
- 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:18,976 Good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
- 00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:20,811 Hello, Ralph!
- 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,646 Did you happen to catch that ballgame last night?
- 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,732 I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late--
- 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:26,775 [rumbling]
- 00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,823 What's that noise, officer?
- 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,910 [men shouting]
- 00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,413 Charge!
- 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:40,914 [gunfire]
- 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:50,591 [all screaming]
- 00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:51,883 Ow!
- 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,719 Freeze, buddy!
- 00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:55,679 These are blanks but they still hurt like hell.
- 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,848 [bell rings]
- 00:09:57,973 --> 00:09:59,099 It's ours, it's ours!
- 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,851 We've taken Topeka!
- 00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,561 [cheering]
- 00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:04,021 Alright, yank, tell us where you keep
- 00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:05,939 your Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps!
- 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,733 S-Schnapps?
- 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:08,984 Uh, I guess it would be at the liquor store.
- 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,402 Where?!
- 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:11,945 [sobbing] At the liquor store!
- 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,071 At the liquor store!
- 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,781 Come on, boys!
- 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,658 [shouting]
- 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:20,454 This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen!
- 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:23,040 Excuse me.
- 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:26,084 Dude, my mom is so pissed at my dad for going to Kansas.
- 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,836 I know but why do they have to take it out on us?
- 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,504 Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?
- 00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,173 Here comes the bus.
- 00:10:33,884 --> 00:10:35,552 Butters, are you the only one that came back?
- 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,971 C-Confederate messenger Butters reporting, sir.
- 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,849 I have a message for you from the battlefield. - What battlefield?
- 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,352 Topeka. We're raising all kinds of hell, see?
- 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:45,604 It's probably the most fun I've had in several months.
- 00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,356 W-well, you gonna read your message or not?
- 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:50,067 [Cartman] "Dear guys...
- 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:52,277 "words cannot express how much I hate you guys.
- 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:55,072 "as we fight our way northward into the great unknown,
- 00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:57,115 "only that one thing remains certain,
- 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,533 "that I hate you guys
- 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,661 "with every tired muscle in my Confederate body.
- 00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,621 "We have taken Topeka,
- 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,539 "and now I must rally the men onward to Missouri
- 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:07,334 "because I will not stop until we have won it all
- 00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:08,752 "and you guys are my slaves.
- 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,754 "Because...I hate you guys.
- 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,048 "I hate you guys so very, very much.
- 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,966 Yours, General Cartman Lee."
- 00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:16,635 Damn it, that fat piece of shit.
- 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,220 Dude, what if Cartman really does succeed,
- 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,805 and we really do have to be his slaves?
- 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,223 That would suck so much ass.
- 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,557 We have to stop him, dude.
- 00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,017 I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us.
- 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,811 Where's the Confederate army now, Butters?
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,562 Uh, I ain't supposed to tell you that.
- 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:29,439 If I told you that, w-well, I'd be a...
- 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,066 a no-good yankee son-of-a-bitch.
- 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,193 We'll give you 10 bucks. - Oh,oh...okay.
- 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:36,822 ...And was forced to live off her own feces for several days.
- 00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:39,533 In national news, a frightening radical group from Colorado
- 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:42,077 is making its way across the southern states of America.
- 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,121 The group is recruiting new members
- 00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,748 in each town they pass through and rapidly growing in number.
- 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,750 So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard.
- 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,752 The group seems to be led by military mastermind
- 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,839 and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern,
- 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,967 who is known for his guerrilla fighting and leadership skills.
- 00:11:57,092 --> 00:12:00,679 Gimme some more S'more Schnapps! I'm gonna be sick!
- 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,515 [men shouting]
- 00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,479 Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.
- 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,064 Well, come on, Billy,
- 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,524 we gotta make these little peckers stop
- 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,484 before they get themselves killed.
- 00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:17,446 They say we can either fight them or join them.
- 00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:20,490 Well, I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
- 00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,868 Dad, Dad! Mom wants you to come home!
- 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:24,953 Not now, Stan. I'm pillaging!
- 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,080 Get over here!
- 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,166 You've got to stop, Dad.
- 00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:31,001 If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves.
- 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,961 This is a reenactment, Kyle.
- 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,255 My name is Private John Farcastle,
- 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,758 and I have to do what my general tells me.
- 00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,843 Hey, there's S'more Schnapps over here!
- 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470 More Schnapps!
- 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,096 [men grunting]
- 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,848 I'm Sergeant Larson of the National Guard.
- 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,224 We're here to stop the terrorists.
- 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:48,059 They're not terrorists.
- 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,103 They're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.
- 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,688 Well, we can't just shoot 'em.
- 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:52,439 There's innocents and children about.
- 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,982 Dawkins! - Sir!
- 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,317 Fire a warning flare. - Yes, sir!
- 00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,158 Medic!
- 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,499 Oops! - Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,542 You bastards! - Hey!
- 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:13,502 We can't fire at them, sir.
- 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:14,544 There are too many children.
- 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:15,879 Then how do we stop them?
- 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,380 I know how...
- 00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:19,382 but we'll have to wait until dark.
- 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,472 [Cartman] "Dear Ms. McCormick,
- 00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,682 "It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you
- 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,851 "that your son Kenny was killed in battle
- 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,603 "on the morning of November 18th
- 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,563 "at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga.
- 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,440 "This war has taken something from all of us
- 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,275 "and although your son appears
- 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,777 "to be the only casualty so far,
- 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,779 "know that we all share your pain.
- 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,447 "Your son did not die in vain.
- 00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:43,824 "I shall persevere
- 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,450 "and make Stan and Kyle my slaves
- 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:46,701 "because I hate those guys.
- 00:13:46,827 --> 00:13:48,495 "I hate them so very, very much.
- 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,831 Yours, General Cartman Lee."
- 00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:55,085 [indistinct conversation, laughter]
- 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,670 There, you see?
- 00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,296 We take the S'more Schnapps,
- 00:13:58,421 --> 00:13:59,214 and by morning, they're all gonna want to go home.
- 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,423 Nice thinking, Billy.
- 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,133 Let's go!
- 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,011 Where to next, General?
- 00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,222 Where did the Confederates go, son?
- 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,058 Well, I guess to Fort Sumter in South Carolina.
- 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,102 That's where the Civil War really escalated.
- 00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:13,645 Ah, splendid.
- 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,105 Then to Fort Sumter we shall go.
- 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,606 Well, that sounds great.
- 00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,149 I'm gonna get some S'more Schnapps.
- 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,901 You want anything?
- 00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,444 Yeah, could I get some of those animal cookies?
- 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:22,988 Those frosted ones with the sprinkles on 'em?
- 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,656 Uh, sure.
- 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,162 What the--
- 00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:32,289 Hey, where's the S'more Schnapps?
- 00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:33,373 We're out of S'more Schnapps?
- 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,542 That can't be!
- 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,918 I guess we drank it all.
- 00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:39,462 Now what?
- 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,630 Now we just wait until morning.
- 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,215 Checkmate, Cartman.
- 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,592 Pretty soon you're gonna be our slave.
- 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:44,718 Yeah!
- 00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:52,058 [all groaning]
- 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:53,143 Ouch.
- 00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,269 Oh, my head.
- 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,896 Where am I?
- 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:57,981 Ned, I think I can say without any doubt
- 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,109 that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had.
- 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,070 [voice box] Oh, oh. My head.
- 00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:05,906 Oh, no, I'm supposed to be at work today.
- 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,157 Me too!
- 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,909 Well, come on, everybody.
- 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,118 We've got to get to the nearest bus station quick.
- 00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,413 Where are you going?
- 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,081 We're going home, kid. Come on!
- 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:16,750 We can't go home. We have to take Fort Sumter!
- 00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,293 The only thing we got to do is get home
- 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,127 before our wives leave us.
- 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,712 No.
- 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:21,630 What about the Confederacy?
- 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,089 What about freedom?
- 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:25,342 Ha ha. You lose, fat ass!
- 00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:26,718 God, I hate you guys!
- 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,303 Yeah, but, you know,
- 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,763 I think you've learned something today.
- 00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:30,764 You've learned that you can't rewrite history.
- 00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,891 You see, history is forever.
- 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,267 And everything happens for a reason.
- 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,852 You can try to change the past,
- 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,520 but usually, you kn-- where are you going?
- 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:38,647 This isn't over. Oh, no.
- 00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,649 Oh, no, not by a long shot.
- 00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:44,235 Oh, I don't believe we came all the way out here.
- 00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:45,987 Yeah, well, I don't think the bus station
- 00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,948 is too far from here.
- 00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,282 How much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado
- 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,617 is gonna run?
- 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,703 [both grunting]
- 00:15:57,082 --> 00:16:00,794 Hello, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl.
- 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,629 We are pleased to sponsor you
- 00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:04,422 with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
- 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,174 Uh, I can't drink any more of that stuff.
- 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,258 Me neither.
- 00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:08,802 Uh, come on, guys,
- 00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,637 just one little drink.
- 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,597 A toast to how far you came and all that you saw.
- 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:15,141 Yes, please. Do shots out of my breasts.
- 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,811 Well, I guess one little cheers is in order!
- 00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:19,938 [shouting, laughter]
- 00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:23,441 Hey, look, Ned's doing his trick again.
- 00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:25,443 Hey, guys, let's all play a game of grab-ass!
- 00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,070 What's grab-ass?
- 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,905 We just run around in circles
- 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,407 and try to grab each other's asses.
- 00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,242 Hey, that sounds fun!
- 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:33,618 [laughter]
- 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:34,786 I got you!
- 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,955 Oh! Ooh!
- 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,666 Gentlemen, I hate to break up the party,
- 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,584 but I believe we have a fort to take.
- 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,044 You heard the general!
- 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,004 [all] Yeah!
- 00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:46,506 Oh, no!
- 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:47,924 We'll never stop them now.
- 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,021 [all] Whoo-hoo!
- 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,772 Yes, yes!
- 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,988 Throughout 1861, the Confederate authorities
- 00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:11,823 tried to drive out the Union occupants
- 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,408 of Fort Sumter Peacefully.
- 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,118 But Abraham Lincoln's administration
- 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:17,704 would not surrender the fort to the Confederates,
- 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,956 so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.
- 00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:21,082 And the Confederates won the fort?
- 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,876 Yes.
- 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:24,294 Imagine what it must have been like.
- 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:26,421 You're a Union soldier stationed at this fort.
- 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,839 And one day you look out
- 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,716 and see thousands of Confederates
- 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:30,759 ready to pounce on you!
- 00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:34,179 Uh...
- 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:35,889 Take the fort! - Charge!
- 00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:36,973 [all]
- 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,019 We got it! The fort is ours!
- 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,062 [explosion]
- 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:43,730 What was that?
- 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,191 Attention, political activists.
- 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:49,194 You are on government historical monument property.
- 00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:51,029 Surrender the monument with your hands up.
- 00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:53,281 If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged
- 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,283 through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
- 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,993 Give up, fat ass.
- 00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:58,244 There's over 100 National Guard guys here.
- 00:17:58,369 --> 00:18:00,121 Stuck my ass!
- 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,248 What do we do, general? We're outnumbered!
- 00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,292 We ask the state of South Carolina for recruits.
- 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,960 Some reinforcements are bound to show up.
- 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:08,171 Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.
- 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,090 You can't do that. Our dads are in there!
- 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:11,758 Sorry, son, we tried it your way.
- 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:12,759 Now we do it our way.
- 00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:13,760 Prepare the mortar!
- 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,136 Hold it right there.
- 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:17,806 [men shouting]
- 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,516 Wow, look at that!
- 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,518 The entire state of South Carolina showed up.
- 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,561 I knew they would.
- 00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:24,979 Aw, damn it!
- 00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,356 We're ready to fight with ya.
- 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,108 Long live the Confederacy!
- 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:29,818 [all] Yee-haw!
- 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,319 Now our numbers are truly great.
- 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,987 It is time.
- 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,615 It is time to march to Washington, D.C.
- 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,078 [men shouting]
- 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,207 Hey, government!
- 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,835 You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore!
- 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,337 You hear that, government?
- 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,923 Oh, boy, this doesn't look good.
- 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,466 It's just like the Million Man March,
- 00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,260 except there actually are a million people.
- 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,555 Mr. President, a message for you from the extremists.
- 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,181 [Cartman] "Dear Mr. President...
- 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,142 "there are times when humans can no longer
- 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,852 "endure their government's authoritah.
- 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,146 "You must declare the Confederacy its own nation
- 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,606 "so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah.
- 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:10,316 "if you do not meet our demands,
- 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:12,068 "we will be forced to show the videotapes
- 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:13,778 we have of you with Marisa Tomel."
- 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,196 Oh, dear God!
- 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,865 We have to meet their demands!
- 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,700 What? Sir, there's not that many of them!
- 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:22,370 As vice president, I think we better give them what they want.
- 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,247 It's just the southern states. Who really needs them?
- 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,248 My hands are tied.
- 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,000 Tell General Lee
- 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:27,959 that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
- 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,419 Sir!
- 00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,129 I'm so glad I don't have your job.
- 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,091 Dude, let's just give up now
- 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:36,426 and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves.
- 00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:38,803 Damn it, Billy, this isn't about you having to be slaves.
- 00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:40,054 This is about history.
- 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,848 We can't let them change it.
- 00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:43,933 But we've tried everything Grandpa. What else can we do?
- 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,394 Wait a minute, they're all still doing a reenactment.
- 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,605 What we have to do is play into that.
- 00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:51,524 Come on, Billy, you boys need a quick history lesson.
- 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,359 Alright, I'm gonna sign the document
- 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,863 declaring the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
- 00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,281 [all] Hooray!
- 00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,450 Boy, we really got the president by the balls.
- 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:01,993 Good thing you have that videotape
- 00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,328 of him and Marisa Tomei.
- 00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:04,245 I don't. I made it up.
- 00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:06,915 Hey, who's that?
- 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:07,999 Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln,
- 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,709 President of the United States.
- 00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:11,169 Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis,
- 00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,004 President of the Confederacy.
- 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:15,048 Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?
- 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,591 What the hell are you guys doing?
- 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,509 Hey, general! He's reenacting Jefferson Davis!
- 00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:21,554 You can't talk that way to a superior officer!
- 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,139 Men, I want you all to know
- 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:24,265 that as President of the Confederacy,
- 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,351 I am hereby surrendering. - What?!
- 00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:28,144 Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender
- 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,562 and agree to your conditions.
- 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,855 You and all the Confederates
- 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:31,898 will have all the S'more Schnapps
- 00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:33,107 you can drink for a year.
- 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,108 [all] Whoa!
- 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,944 A whole year? - Alright!
- 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,487 Well, I think we got what we wanted.
- 00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,489 That's it? I don't have to sign this thing?
- 00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:42,909 Hey, come on, we should take a tour of the Smithsonian
- 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,285 before we head back.
- 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,787 No! We still have to fight!
- 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,705 Lincoln and Davis signed a treaty, General.
- 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:48,831 The war is over.
- 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,291 Noooo!
- 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,585 It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!
- 00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:55,630 Yeah, and now you can take that stupid beard off!
- 00:20:55,755 --> 00:21:05,754 Owwwwww!
- 00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,685 Boys, as President of the United States,
- 00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,186 I want to commend you
- 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:11,437 for stopping the rebel uprising.
- 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:12,939 Don't touch me.
- 00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:14,357 Well, Cartman, the South lost.
- 00:21:14,482 --> 00:21:15,483 That means you're our slave for a month!
- 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,652 Damn it, damn it. I was so close! Damn it.
- 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,779 The first thing I want you to do for us is--
- 00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:21,739 Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave! - What?
- 00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:23,157 The North still won the Civil War.
- 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,575 That means slavery is abolished.
- 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:27,412 He's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral,
- 00:21:27,537 --> 00:21:29,622 partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
- 00:21:29,747 --> 00:21:30,790 Awww!
- 00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,375 [laughs]
- 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:33,418 Oh, to hell with it. Let's just go home.
- 00:21:33,543 --> 00:21:34,752 Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton! Yeah, thanks, dick!
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