Увлекательная фонетика с обезьянкой

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,141

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

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♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

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♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪♪

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Look, Eric!

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Mommy got you

a present!

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A present--

is it a "Rocket Racer?!"

00:00:40,041 --> 00:00:41,125

No, let

me guess!

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It's a

"Frogman Dave" doll!

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No wait, I know,

it's a "Police Power Chopper"!

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No, I got you something

that's going to help you

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win the big

spelling bee tomorrow!

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Mom, I'm not gonna

win the spelling bee.

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I never do.

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This year's

gonna be different!

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Look!

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I got you

"Hooked on Monkey Fonics"!

00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:59,268

What the hell is

"Hooked on Monkey Fonics"?

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It's a new way to learn

how to read and spell,

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and it comes with

everything you need

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to help win that

spelling bee!

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Wagh!

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It says we just put the

cassette into a tape player...

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Welcome to

"Hooked on Monkey Fonics"

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Level 1!

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I will read the sounds and

the monkey will keep the beat.

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If your monkey arrived

in the box dead

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call 1-800-555-4500

to get a new monkey.

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Ready?

Let's begin!

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The learning monkey

is here to say,

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that reading is easy

and it's okay!

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Work with the monkey

and you will learn,

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to spell hard words

like "morbid" and "fern".

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Start with card 1,

ready begin--

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C-h, ch-chalk.

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C-h,ch-chalk.

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Good, Card 2!

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T-h, th-there.

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T-h,th-there!

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Hey, this is easy!!

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I'm gonna win the

spelling bee for sure, Mom!

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Alright, everyone!

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Welcome to the 15th annual

South Park Spelling Bee Finals!

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Woo-hoo!

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This should be

very interesting.

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We have with us 12 of the

brightest spellers from

South Park Elementary.

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Kyle, Kyle,

he's our man

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if he can't win it,

I'm out 50 bucks!

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You bet money

on my son to win?!

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Sure, when it comes to

spelling bees,

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I always bet

on the Jew!

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You're going

down, bitch.

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Shut up, fat ass.

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Everyone knows I can

spell better than you.

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Yeah, well this year

I have a secret weapon.

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And joining us

this year,

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are the two

home-schooled children,

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Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds!

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What?!

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Home-schooled kids?!

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Who the hell

are they!?

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Hey, that's not fair!

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You can't let

home-schooled kids

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into a public school

spelling bee!

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What's a

home-schooled kid?

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I don't know, dude,

I've never seen them before.

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Go Mark!

Go Rebecca!

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Our first contestant is

Mark Cotswolds from home-school.

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Alright, Mark, your word is:

"conscientious".

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What?! What the fuck

does that mean?!

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Conscientious... may I have

the definition, please?

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"Closely attentive

to details, careful".

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Conscientious--could you

use it in a sentence, please.

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"Mary's analysis of the

spreadsheet was conscientious."

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Conscientious...

C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-t-i-o-u-s.

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Holy crap!

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Way to go, Mark, alright!

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Okay, our next contestant

is Eric Cartman.

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Alright, Eric,

here is your word: "chair."

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Cha-ir.

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Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum!

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Come on!

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Eric, your word

is "chair"!

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Uh... definition?

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Something you sit on.

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Country of origin?

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English!

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Could you please use it

in a sentence?

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Oh for Christ's sake, kid,

the word is "chair"!

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Uh... chair...

C-h-a-r-e.

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Bzzzt!

- Aw, dammit!

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How come I get

the hard ones?!

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Get over here you

son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!

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Alright, we're down to

just three finalists.

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First up is Rebecca Cotswalds

from home-school.

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Alright, Rebecca, here

is your word: "litoral."

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Litoral...

Definition?

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"Having to do with

a lake or ocean."

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Litoral... will you please

use it in a sentence?

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"Gary was most interested in the

litoral features of Michigan."

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Litoral...

L-i-t-o-r-a-I!

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Correct!

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Wow...

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Alright, Rebecca!

Good job honey!

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And now we have

Kyle Broflofski.

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Here we go:

"kroxldyphivc."

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What?!

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"Kroxldyphivc".

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Definition?

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"Something which has a

Kroxldyph-like quality."

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Uh... could you use it

in a sentence?

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Certainly.

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"Kroxldyphivc is a

hard word to spell."

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Kroxldyphivc...

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You can do it, kid!

You can do it!

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Kroxldyphic... C-

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Bzzztt!

- Dammit!

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You little bastard!

You cost me 50 bucks!

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Why don't you run away

and join the circus,

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you stupid little

son-of-a-bitch!

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Aghghgh!

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Congratulations,

Mark and Rebecca.

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You are truly

South Park's finest!

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Damn, dude, those home-school

kids are smart!

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Yeah, too bad they have

the personalities of a wet dishcloth!

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What's your name?

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What's in a name?

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Wow.

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It was nice competing

against you boys.

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We will have to do it

a-gain sometime.

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Oh yes, we must

do it a-gain.

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We've never

seen you before,

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do you live in

the woods or something?

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No, I live right

over there.

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I've lived there

all my life.

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How come you don't

go to school?

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Because I'm home-schooled.

- What's that?

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My parents teach me,

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so I stay at home

instead of going to school.

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You what?

00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,150

Stay at home--

all day--no school?!

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Right.

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♪ Who would have thought

such a miracle could be ♪

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♪ Who could have known that

this moment I would see ♪

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♪ A new way of living,

a chance to be free--♪♪

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Shut up, Cartman.

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You shut up, butthole.

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You shut up, gay wad.

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You shut up,

ass logger.

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Oh my goodness,

are you two enemies?

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No, we're friends.

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Strange, friends would

call each other names and fight.

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What?

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Come, children,

let's take our trophies home

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and place them high

upon the mantle!

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Dude, what a bunch of

freakin' nerdos.

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Papa?

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Yes, Mark?

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Why can't I go to school

with the other boys?

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Oh...

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Well, because son,

public schools are

inefficient and dangerous.

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But I want to play

with the other children.

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Oh, how they

laugh and play, Papa.

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Mark, you have

play time.

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You get to play

in the afternoons.

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I just feel like I should

go to public school,

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if only for

a little while.

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To see what other

little boys are like.

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Mark, public schools

are no good.

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Your mother and I

were both home-schooled

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and we turned out

much better because of it.

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Please, Papa, just let me

try it for a few days.

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Alright, fine, Mark!

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You go ahead and go

to public school.

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You can just find out

for yourself

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how flawed and

treacherous it is!

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Hooray!

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You don't want to go to public

school, too, do you Rebecca?

00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,306

Oh, heavens no.

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Well, thank God for that.

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At least my daughter

will remain safe!

00:07:15,853 --> 00:07:18,856

Oh, hi... is, uh...

is Rebecca home?

00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:21,442

Yes, she is.

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Uh... can I talk to her?

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Oh, well... I suppose so.

00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,949

Rebecca, this little boy

wants to see you.

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Hello?

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Uh... hi.

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Hello.

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Uh... I just...

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Well...

that's all.

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Who was that?

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A little boy wanted

to see Rebecca.

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Oh no.

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I told you the spelling bee

was a bad idea!

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But the children won,

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and they were happy

to meet the other children.

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Yes, but now I think

we may have opened

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a Pandora's Box

that we can't close!

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Okay, children, we have a new

student joining us today

00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:11,241

from home-school.

00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,993

Now, his parents are very

worried about his safety,

00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,745

so please don't be

too cruel too him.

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Mark?

00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,250

Hey guys,

what's up?

00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:21,835

Dude, what's

wrong with you?

00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,086

Do you have some kind of

John Travolta disease?

00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:25,047

Alright, children,

let's just try to pretend

00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,798

there isn't a little boy in a

huge plastic hamster ball here

00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,467

and go on

with our studies.

00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:30,969

Now, who can tell me when

Columbus sailed the seas

00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,221

and discovered America?

00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,889

Yes, Mark?

00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,682

Ay! How come you

never pick me?

00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,351

Because you never know the

right answer, butt-for-brains.

00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:38,310

Yes, Mark?

00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,062

The answer is 1492.

00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,396

However, the Americas had

already been discovered

00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,814

by many before him,

00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:43,857

including the Vikings

and the Native Americans,

00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,651

and therefore your

question is a charade.

00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,277

Aw, see, that's what

I was gonna say!

00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:48,904

Very impressive, Mark.

00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,364

You should be able to

throw the grading curve

00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,241

and flunk all

these little bastards.

00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,952

Oh God, this kid's gonna

last about five seconds

00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,620

out on the

playground.

00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,580

Now, who can tell me what

country Columbus was from?

00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,582

Put your hand down,

cream puff.

00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,417

That does it!

00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,963

I do not need to sit here

and be ridiculed!

00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:07,923

I'm gonna be home-schooled

from now on!

00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:08,840

You don't wanna be

home-schooled, fat ass.

00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:10,926

I'm gonna be home-schooled

00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,761

and leave all the pain and suffering

of public school behind me!

00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:16,640

Screw you, guys...

I'm gonna be home-schooled.

00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,809

Oh please God,

let it be forever.

00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,734

Come on, Pip, say it,

say "please hit me."

00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,194

But if I say that,

you'll hit me!

00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,988

No, I'm gonna hit you

if you don't say it.

00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,489

If you say "please hit me,"

I won't hit you.

00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:33,365

"Please hit me."

00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:34,741

Alright.

- Ow!

00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:35,784

Alright, let's

try this again, Pip...

00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:36,827

I don't understand.

00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:37,911

You seem to

like that boy,

00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,079

yet hate him

at the same time.

00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,372

Hey, kid, get out of

that hamster ball.

00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:41,540

Oh, I promised

my father I wouldn't.

00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:42,833

Oh, boy.

00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,042

Sorry, dude,

you're on your own.

00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,836

You best do what he says,

home-school kid.

00:09:45,961 --> 00:09:47,796

Why this is our part

of the playground, see,

00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,339

and if you don't

follow our rules,

00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:51,300

we're gonna duct-tape

ya to a bench.

00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,260

You mean you would actually duct

tape my entire body to a bench?

00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:54,761

For what purpose?

00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:55,721

Just get out

of the hamster ball

00:09:55,846 --> 00:09:57,347

or else you're

gonna find out!

00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,315

Have a nice second half

of the day, nerdo.

00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,066

Yeah, why... why, you shouldn't

be such a smart mouth

00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,067

Mr. Know-It-All.

00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,236

Oh, dear.

00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,449

Oh, where could he be?!

00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:17,451

He should have been home

from the public school by now!

00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:18,827

I'm sure

he's alright.

00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,412

That must be him!

00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,331

Aaaaaaaaaaghhh!

00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:25,042

Oh my God, son!

00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,335

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,045

Mark, what have they

done to you?!

00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:29,880

Well, they duct-taped

me to a bench.

00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:30,922

But why?!

00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:32,132

I don't know, Mother.

00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,091

It didn't make

any sense at all.

00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,551

Well, you see?!

00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,011

This is what happens

at public schools!

00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,095

But I want to

go back tomorrow, Papa.

00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,513

What?!

00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:39,348

Please, just give me

one more day.

00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,891

What do we do?

00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:41,808

Well, if we're going to

let him go back...

00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,518

It looks like I need

to have a little talk

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,063

with those other

boys' fathers!

00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,318

♪ Everywhere I go

I'm thinking of you, Rebecca ♪

00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:54,655

♪ I don't know

what to do, Rebecca ♪

00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:57,991

♪ You're so nice, I'd like to

get to know you better ♪

00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,035

♪ So what do you say

we get together ♪

00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,163

♪ You really are quite

good looking, Rebecca ♪

00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:07,042

♪ You really are quite

good looking, Rebecca ♪

00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,711

♪ Rebecca, you really are

quite good looking ♪

00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,464

♪ You're a fox ♪

00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,984

Uh... good evening, gentlemen.

00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,404

If I could have your attention

for a few moments...

00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,781

My son Mark was beat up

in school today, by your sons.

00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:40,283

I think it would be appropriate

for you to talk with your sons,

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:42,536

and instruct them to no longer

tease or bother my boy.

00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:45,414

Look, Mr...

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,748

Cotswolds.

00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,542

Mr. Cotswolds, we can't

completely control

00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,210

what our kids

do socially.

00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,671

That's for them to

figure out on their own.

00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:54,798

Well, obviously they need to be

to be coached a little better.

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,510

And furthermore, your son has

been harassing my little girl.

00:11:58,635 --> 00:11:59,845

I would like you

to tell him to stop.

00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,680

Hey, my son is just

discovering love.

00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:03,056

Maybe your

daughter is, too.

00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,474

They need to know

about that stuff.

00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,767

Oh, hello?!

00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,227

My girl is

eight years old!

00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:08,520

What does she need to

know about love?!

00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,147

Well, something.

00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,773

I mean, you can't just

wait until she's a teenager

00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,358

and expect her to figure out

everything all at once.

00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,402

I will not tell you

how to raise your children

00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,654

and you will not tell me

how to raise mine.

00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,573

You want a beer

or something, Catswall?

00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,283

No, I don't drink beer.

00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,367

I just like

wine coolers.

00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,202

You what!?

00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,122

See ya, Cotswolds,

thanks for stopping by.

00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,915

Yeah, see ya.

00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,004

I can't even get her

to understand.

00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:35,130

It's like she's

from another planet.

00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,173

Can I sit here

with you?

00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:37,507

Oh man,

if you have to.

00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,884

Attention students.

00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:40,552

Don't forget that

this Friday night is

00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:43,221

the South Park Elementary

"Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance".

00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,099

We will have a very special band

performing so please come early.

00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:47,434

Hey, that's it,

the dance!

00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:48,977

I can ask Rebecca

to go to the dance!

00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,270

Dude what

happened to you?!

00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,313

You're a total

wuss now!

00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,397

Ha ha!

00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,065

Mrfm frm mrm!

00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:55,484

Why do you call Kyle names

and laugh at him?

00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:56,818

Is he not

your friend?

00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:57,903

Yeah, dude, but guys

just do that.

00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,446

We rip on each other

and stuff.

00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,031

I see--it's like you have to

mark your territory as a boy.

00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,407

You have to socially

find your place.

00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:03,867

What?

00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:04,993

Enjoying your

lunch, nerd-o?

00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,703

Ah, sticks and stones

may break my bones

00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:07,996

but words will

never harm me!

00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,498

Oh, dude,

you don't say that!

00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:10,874

Huh?

00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,501

Get him!

00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:16,671

Boy, that kid's having a hard

time adjusting to public school.

00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:19,174

Yeah, I wonder how Cartman is

doing with his home-schooling.

00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:25,972

Uhhh... seriously...

00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,852

Uhhh...

00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,938

Hon, are you ready

for some math problems?

00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,356

Oh, not right

this second, Mother.

00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,524

Put them there

by the door.

00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,900

Oh, alright.

00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:37,651

Mom...

00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,194

Yes, hon?

00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,111

Could you turn up

the heat just a little?

00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,738

Sure, hon.

00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:42,948

Uhhhh...

00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:46,117

Dude, home-schooling

rules!

00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:47,577

Yes!

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:54,376

Oh, hello.

00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,002

Oh! Uh... Rebecca!

00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,505

There's this dance, see...

at the school... and, um--

00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,549

Hey, would you like to

come up to my room?

00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,925

Huh?

00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:02,843

Would you like to

come up to my room?

00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,594

Uh... okay?

00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:08,598

I'm sorry, Son, there's nothing

we can do to stop those bullies.

00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,600

We have to pull you

out of public school.

00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,311

Oh, Papa... can I at least

go to the dance tomorrow?

00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:15,105

Alright, you can go.

00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,356

But I'll be there

to supervise.

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,816

Alright...

00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,442

Mark, where is your sister?

00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:20,902

She's upstairs playing doctor

with that Kyle boy.

00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,112

Oh, alright.

00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:22,988

What?!

00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,364

Rebecca?!

00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,533

Don't play his

perverted games!

00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:32,539

I have to extirpate a lesion

in his cerebral cortex

00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:34,541

or risk infection to

the synaptic responses.

00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:37,377

Uh... alright, Rebecca,

00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,546

but it's time to start

your home-schooling.

00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:42,674

Rebecca, there's

this dance, see.

00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,968

The South Park Elementary

Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.

00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:47,637

And I was wondering,

if you want to go.

00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,514

Hmmm... alright,

I guess I'll go.

00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:50,640

You will?!

00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,142

I guess.

00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:53,101

Are you gonna go?

Maybe I'll see you there.

00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,603

No, no... I mean...

go with me.

00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,147

Oh I'm sure Father

will give me a ride.

00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,319

Aaahh..

00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,739

Ughhhh...

00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,784

Eric, I got you

a new history textbook.

00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:11,369

Why don't you

come downstairs?

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,413

Waaaaghhh...

not right now, Mom.

00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:17,375

Eric, please, we have to

do some studying today.

00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,627

I am studying, Mom.

00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:19,961

I'm learning with

the Fonics Monkey.

00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,380

Mach maaach, mach!

00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:25,258

Waaaaghhh....

00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,509

Hey, fat ass, how's

home-schooling going?

00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,762

Oh, it's so

sweet, you guys.

00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,180

Well get your ass

out of bed,

00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:31,473

we have to go deal

with that home-school kid.

00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:32,933

I can't,

I'm too tired.

00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:34,434

Maybe tomorrow.

00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,896

But the big dance

is tomorrow

00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,230

and all the guys are going to

duct-tape him to a flagpole.

00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:42,233

That sounds cool,

maybe I'll go to that.

00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,155

No, Fonics Monkey!

00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,284

Wach wach waaaaach!

- No, Fonics Monkey!

00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:52,619

That's a bad

Fonics Monkey!

00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,164

Wach wach waaaach!

00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:59,542

Oh my God, Fonics Monkey

killed Kenny!

00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,461

You're damn

straight he did.

00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:03,588

You got my note?

00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:04,673

Of course, you

taped it to my dog,

00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:05,840

how could

I not see it?

00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:07,008

Uhh... can we sit down?

00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,343

Why not?

00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:11,388

Isn't Papa's

garden beautiful?

00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,722

He works

so hard on it.

00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:15,558

Rebecca... don't you

ever look at the town?

00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,602

At that flicker of light

over there?

00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,270

I have looked at it.

00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,981

Well, that's

a public school.

00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,733

And in it, there are

children, just like us.

00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:26,653

How can children go to school

on a flicker of light?

00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:29,572

From public school, your house

is just a flicker of light.

00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,282

Don't you

want to go out?

00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,243

All you do is stay

in your house and study.

00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,703

What else would one do?

00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,037

Love...

for one thing.

00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,831

And what is love?

00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,041

Love... Is the most

important thing on Earth.

00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,960

When boys and

girls feel love...

00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,545

they kiss.

00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:44,963

What means "kiss"?

00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,923

When a man and

a woman feel love

00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,466

they put their

lips together.

00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,010

Oh, you mean a mate?

00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:51,553

When it is time to

increase the herd,

00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,179

my provider will

select one for me.

00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:56,433

Rebecca, in public school,

we select our own mate.

00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:58,893

In public school,

men and women get together,

00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,270

make each other happy.

00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:03,398

You certainly come

from a silly place.

00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,068

Still, I should like

to try this... kiss.

00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,696

So I could

write about it.

00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:11,322

How do we do it?

00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,615

I'm not completely sure.

00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,451

Should we...

look it up?

00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,202

No, I think its just something

you have to try a few times

00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:19,080

until you...

get it... right.

00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,957

Mmmm...

00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,168

Wow!

00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,669

Wow, that was fun!

00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,046

Does that--

00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,255

does that mean you'll

go to the dance?

00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,507

You bet your

sweet ass I will!

00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:31,551

Alright, here's the plan.

00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,886

Tomorrow night

at the dance,

00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:34,304

when none of the

chaperones are looking,

00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:35,680

you guys go grab Mark, bring him out here

00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,474

and then we're gonna duct tape

him to this flagpole.

00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,892

Are you sure?

00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:39,768

He could be out here all

night on the flagpole.

00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:40,977

That's the point, buttpipe!

00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,562

Don't call me

a buttpipe, buttpipe!

00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:44,689

Well, come on, we gotta go

buy us some more duct tape!

00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,566

Hooray!

00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,570

Alright, here's the plan:

00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,155

all we gotta to is volunteer

to chaperone the dance tomorrow.

00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,282

Why do we all wanna

chaperone the dance?

00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,367

Because Cotswolds

is gonna be there.

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,161

And we he shows up,

we all grab him,

00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,496

bring him out here...

00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,581

and duct tape him

to the flagpole!

00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:03,500

The flagpole,

that's great!

00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,085

Come on we gotta buy

more duct tape!

00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,544

Alright!

00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:18,640

Dude, we're gonna go duct tape

that Mark kid to the bleachers,

00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:19,182

you wanna help?

00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,850

I can't.

00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:21,601

I have to wait for

Rebecca to show up.

00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:22,685

Oh, brother!

00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:23,812

Don't you

oh brother me!

00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:24,813

She's the woman

of my dreams!

00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,814

You suck now, Kyle.

00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,482

You suck!

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,817

Boys and girls can I

have your attention please?

00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:31,027

This year we have a very

special guest performing

00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:33,321

at the South Park Elementary

Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.

00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,907

He was a musical force

in the Seventies and Eighties.

00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:39,244

Please welcome...

Ronni James Dio!

00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,332

Are you ready to rock,

boys and girls?!

00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:48,044

I said...

are you ready to rock?!

00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,796

Uh, sure, I guess.

00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:51,756

Then let's hit it!

00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,884

I know you'll all

remember this one.

00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,928

It's off my

first solo album.

00:18:57,053 --> 00:19:00,181

The song that you all

helped me make number one!

00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,392

♪ Holy diver ♪

00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:05,436

♪ You've been down too long

in the midnight sea-- ♪

00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:09,065

Hey, there he is,

there's the home-school kid!

00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:12,861

Come on, let's go duct tape him

to the flag pole.

00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,279

Hey, isn't that the

home-school kid's sister?

00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:17,323

Hi, guys!

00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:22,162

Holy cow!

00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,663

Hey, baby,

come see me later, 'kay?

00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:26,207

What the--

damn, baby!

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,750

Hey, Kyle,

wanna go make out?

00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:29,836

Rebecca... you...

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:30,837

Rebecca, what the

devil are you doing?!

00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:31,838

I'm having fun, Mark!

00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,965

Oh, goodness!

00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,133

You're out of control!

00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:36,301

You did this

to my sister!

00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:37,886

Uh... all I did was

show her how to--

00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,596

You made my sister

into a slut!

00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:40,388

I'll kill you!

00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,598

Aaaghgh!

00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,935

You bitch!

00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,104

I'm gonna whoop

your bitch-ass!

00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,857

Oh my God!

00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,066

Dude, he's kicking

the crap out of Kyle!

00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,651

Yeah, he's

a bad-ass!

00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:55,320

Alright, alright,

that's enough, boys!

00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,447

I'm not through

with you, bitch!

00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,823

Hey, you're

pretty cool, Mark.

00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,533

Yeah, that was

real bad-ass

00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:01,826

how you stood up

for your sister.

00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,620

I'd a kicked Kyle's

bitch-ass too.

00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:04,954

You wanna have grab

some cake with me?

00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,706

No, he's my friend!

00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,000

He said he'd

hang out with me!

00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,669

They've got to

be here somewhere!

00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:13,379

Hey, there's Cotswolds!

00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,089

Come on, let's duct-tape him

to the flagpole!

00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,758

Yeah!

00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:21,387

Where are my children?

00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,556

I'm taking them out of

this God-forsaken place!

00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:25,516

Calm down, Papa.

00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,018

Everything is alright.

00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:29,938

You see, I've learned

something today.

00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,648

Public schools may be a bit

lacking in education,

00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,358

but it's the main place

where children learn

00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:34,776

all of their

social skills.

00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,194

You can't teach a child

social skills,

00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:37,862

they have to learn them

themselves,

00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:38,988

and the only place to do that

is on the playground

00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,490

in the cafeteria

and so on.

00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,242

Don't you see, Papa?

00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,910

That's what happened

to your daughter.

00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:45,370

You tried so hard to keep her

from anything sexual,

00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:47,830

and now look at her,

she's a Goddamned whore, Papa!

00:20:47,956 --> 00:20:49,582

Wow, she sure is.

00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:51,542

I know letting your kids out

into the world is scary.

00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,169

I know you wish nothing bad

would ever happen to us.

00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:54,462

But bad things will happen,

00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,713

and we have to

start learning now

00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,298

how to deal with

those things.

00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:04,722

Mark... you're

absolutely right...

00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:06,307

Okay, children,

if it's what you want,

00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,810

you can start going

to public school!

00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:10,186

Alright!

00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:12,855

Nice speech, nerd-o.

00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:13,773

Thanks, gay wad.

00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,275

Now you're

getting it!

00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,901

Well, come on guys,

if I'm not mistaken

00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,404

we still have someone to

duct-tape to the flag pole!

00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:20,446

Hooray!

00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:21,656

What?!

00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,409

See ya, Papa!

00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,786

Well, I'm glad we all

learned something today, kids.

00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:28,955

Now let's dance!

00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:31,499

♪ Holy diver ♪

00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:34,627

♪ You've been down too long

in the midnight sea ♪

00:21:34,752 --> 00:21:37,922

♪ Oh what's

becoming of me ♪

00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:41,551

♪ Like the tiger ♪

00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:44,846

♪ You can see his stripes

but you know he's clean ♪

00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:48,391

♪ Oh, don't you

see what I mean ♪

00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,894

♪ Gotta get away ♪

00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:55,231

♪ Holy diver... ♪♪

00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,389

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,141

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,767

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:16,892 --> 00:00:18,185

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:20,187

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:21,981

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:22,106 --> 00:00:23,441

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:24,734

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:26,694

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:30,072

♪ [Mumbling] ♪

00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:31,407

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,242

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪♪

00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:37,538

Look, Eric!

00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:38,914

Mommy got you

a present!

00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:39,915

A present--

is it a "Rocket Racer?!"

00:00:40,041 --> 00:00:41,125

No, let

me guess!

00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,626

It's a

"Frogman Dave" doll!

00:00:42,752 --> 00:00:44,378

No wait, I know,

it's a "Police Power Chopper"!

00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:45,671

No, I got you something

that's going to help you

00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:48,466

win the big

spelling bee tomorrow!

00:00:48,591 --> 00:00:50,468

Mom, I'm not gonna

win the spelling bee.

00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:51,552

I never do.

00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:52,928

This year's

gonna be different!

00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:54,388

Look!

00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:56,348

I got you

"Hooked on Monkey Fonics"!

00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:59,268

What the hell is

"Hooked on Monkey Fonics"?

00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,353

It's a new way to learn

how to read and spell,

00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:02,563

and it comes with

everything you need

00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,191

to help win that

spelling bee!

00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:07,943

Wagh!

00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,696

It says we just put the

cassette into a tape player...

00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,783

[female on tape]

Welcome to

"Hooked on Monkey Fonics"

00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:15,910

Level 1!

00:01:16,035 --> 00:01:18,287

I will read the sounds and

the monkey will keep the beat.

00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,331

If your monkey arrived

in the box dead

00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:24,126

call 1-800-555-4500

to get a new monkey.

00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:27,129

Ready?

Let's begin!

00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,006

[playing rhytmically]

00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:31,008

The learning monkey

is here to say,

00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:33,511

that reading is easy

and it's okay!

00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:35,721

Work with the monkey

and you will learn,

00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,349

to spell hard words

like "morbid" and "fern".

00:01:38,474 --> 00:01:41,143

Start with card 1,

ready begin--

00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:45,022

[boom box]

C-h, ch-chalk.

00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:53,614

C-h,ch-chalk.

00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:54,824

Good, Card 2!

00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,952

[boom box]

T-h, th-there.

00:01:58,077 --> 00:02:00,079

T-h,th-there!

00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,455

Hey, this is easy!!

00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,333

I'm gonna win the

spelling bee for sure, Mom!

00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:07,711

Alright, everyone!

00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:11,340

Welcome to the 15th annual

South Park Spelling Bee Finals!

00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,342

Woo-hoo!

00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,594

This should be

very interesting.

00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:19,348

We have with us 12 of the

brightest spellers from

South Park Elementary.

00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,933

Kyle, Kyle,

he's our man

00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:23,102

if he can't win it,

I'm out 50 bucks!

00:02:23,227 --> 00:02:24,812

You bet money

on my son to win?!

00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,355

Sure, when it comes to

spelling bees,

00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,149

I always bet

on the Jew!

00:02:28,274 --> 00:02:28,899

You're going

down, bitch.

00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:30,484

Shut up, fat ass.

00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:31,652

Everyone knows I can

spell better than you.

00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:34,280

Yeah, well this year

I have a secret weapon.

00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:35,990

And joining us

this year,

00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:37,783

are the two

home-schooled children,

00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,952

Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds!

00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,037

What?!

00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,206

Home-schooled kids?!

00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,207

Who the hell

are they!?

00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,292

Hey, that's not fair!

00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:47,710

You can't let

home-schooled kids

00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,336

into a public school

spelling bee!

00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:50,838

What's a

home-schooled kid?

00:02:50,963 --> 00:02:52,214

I don't know, dude,

I've never seen them before.

00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,884

Go Mark!

Go Rebecca!

00:02:55,009 --> 00:03:00,097

Our first contestant is

Mark Cotswolds from home-school.

00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:04,435

Alright, Mark, your word is:

"conscientious".

00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,895

What?! What the fuck

does that mean?!

00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,980

Conscientious... may I have

the definition, please?

00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:11,108

"Closely attentive

to details, careful".

00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,777

Conscientious--could you

use it in a sentence, please.

00:03:13,903 --> 00:03:17,615

"Mary's analysis of the

spreadsheet was conscientious."

00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:23,162

Conscientious...

C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-t-i-o-u-s.

00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:24,705

[Ding ding]

- Holy crap!

00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,791

Way to go, Mark, alright!

00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:31,462

Okay, our next contestant

is Eric Cartman.

00:03:31,587 --> 00:03:35,507

Alright, Eric,

here is your word: "chair."

00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:38,427

Cha-ir.

00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:44,725

[whispering]

Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum!

00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,229

Come on!

00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,026

Eric, your word

is "chair"!

00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:55,444

Uh... definition?

00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,821

Something you sit on.

00:03:57,947 --> 00:03:58,989

Country of origin?

00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,449

English!

00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,909

Could you please use it

in a sentence?

00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:03,494

Oh for Christ's sake, kid,

the word is "chair"!

00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:09,583

Uh... chair...

C-h-a-r-e.

00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,085

Bzzzt!

- Aw, dammit!

00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,586

How come I get

the hard ones?!

00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,005

Get over here you

son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!

00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,884

Alright, we're down to

just three finalists.

00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:22,471

First up is Rebecca Cotswalds

from home-school.

00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:26,267

Alright, Rebecca, here

is your word: "litoral."

00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:27,893

Litoral...

Definition?

00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,604

"Having to do with

a lake or ocean."

00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:33,857

Litoral... will you please

use it in a sentence?

00:04:33,983 --> 00:04:38,570

"Gary was most interested in the

litoral features of Michigan."

00:04:38,696 --> 00:04:46,412

Litoral...

L-i-t-o-r-a-I!

00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:47,621

[Bell: Ding ding ding]

Correct!

00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:48,872

Wow...

00:04:48,998 --> 00:04:50,749

Alright, Rebecca!

Good job honey!

00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,585

And now we have

Kyle Broflofski.

00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:55,879

Here we go:

"kroxldyphivc."

00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:56,839

What?!

00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,048

"Kroxldyphivc".

00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,466

Definition?

00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:02,386

"Something which has a

Kroxldyph-like quality."

00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,930

Uh... could you use it

in a sentence?

00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,181

Certainly.

00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:10,019

"Kroxldyphivc is a

hard word to spell."

00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:13,355

Kroxldyphivc...

00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,232

You can do it, kid!

You can do it!

00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,776

Kroxldyphic... C-

00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,278

Bzzztt!

- Dammit!

00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,780

You little bastard!

You cost me 50 bucks!

00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:23,532

Why don't you run away

and join the circus,

00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,075

you stupid little

son-of-a-bitch!

00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,410

Aghghgh!

00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,786

Congratulations,

Mark and Rebecca.

00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,872

You are truly

South Park's finest!

00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,833

Damn, dude, those home-school

kids are smart!

00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:35,127

Yeah, too bad they have

the personalities of a wet dishcloth!

00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,171

What's your name?

00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,255

What's in a name?

00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:40,299

Wow.

00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:41,717

It was nice competing

against you boys.

00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:42,843

We will have to do it

a-gain sometime.

00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,428

Oh yes, we must

do it a-gain.

00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:45,763

We've never

seen you before,

00:05:45,888 --> 00:05:47,014

do you live in

the woods or something?

00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:48,515

No, I live right

over there.

00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:49,808

I've lived there

all my life.

00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,352

How come you don't

go to school?

00:05:51,477 --> 00:05:52,478

Because I'm home-schooled.

- What's that?

00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:54,021

My parents teach me,

00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:54,938

so I stay at home

instead of going to school.

00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:56,148

You what?

00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,150

Stay at home--

all day--no school?!

00:05:58,275 --> 00:05:59,985

Right.

00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,154

♪ Who would have thought

such a miracle could be ♪

00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,448

♪ Who could have known that

this moment I would see ♪

00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:06,950

♪ A new way of living,

a chance to be free--♪♪

00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:07,826

Shut up, Cartman.

00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:08,952

You shut up, butthole.

00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:09,870

You shut up, gay wad.

00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:11,163

You shut up,

ass logger.

00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,039

Oh my goodness,

are you two enemies?

00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:13,874

No, we're friends.

00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:16,085

Strange, friends would

call each other names and fight.

00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,628

What?

00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:19,004

Come, children,

let's take our trophies home

00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:21,757

and place them high

upon the mantle!

00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,682

Dude, what a bunch of

freakin' nerdos.

00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,562

Papa?

00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,939

Yes, Mark?

00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,482

Why can't I go to school

with the other boys?

00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,651

[gasp]

Oh...

00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:42,736

Well, because son,

public schools are

inefficient and dangerous.

00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,321

But I want to play

with the other children.

00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:45,572

Oh, how they

laugh and play, Papa.

00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:47,116

Mark, you have

play time.

00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:48,492

You get to play

in the afternoons.

00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,952

I just feel like I should

go to public school,

00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,328

if only for

a little while.

00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:52,663

To see what other

little boys are like.

00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,123

Mark, public schools

are no good.

00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,791

Your mother and I

were both home-schooled

00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,960

and we turned out

much better because of it.

00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,586

Please, Papa, just let me

try it for a few days.

00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,171

Alright, fine, Mark!

00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:02,756

You go ahead and go

to public school.

00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,007

You can just find out

for yourself

00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,759

how flawed and

treacherous it is!

00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,636

Hooray!

00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,138

You don't want to go to public

school, too, do you Rebecca?

00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,306

Oh, heavens no.

00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:12,766

Well, thank God for that.

00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,309

At least my daughter

will remain safe!

00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:15,727

[doorbell rings]

00:07:15,853 --> 00:07:18,856

Oh, hi... is, uh...

is Rebecca home?

00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:21,442

Yes, she is.

00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,403

Uh... can I talk to her?

00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:26,280

Oh, well... I suppose so.

00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:28,949

Rebecca, this little boy

wants to see you.

00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,659

Hello?

00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,002

Uh... hi.

00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,336

Hello.

00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:44,423

Uh... I just...

00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,800

Well...

that's all.

00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,762

Who was that?

00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:51,847

A little boy wanted

to see Rebecca.

00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,390

Oh no.

00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,641

I told you the spelling bee

was a bad idea!

00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,226

But the children won,

00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:57,686

and they were happy

to meet the other children.

00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,313

Yes, but now I think

we may have opened

00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:01,982

a Pandora's Box

that we can't close!

00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,740

Okay, children, we have a new

student joining us today

00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:11,241

from home-school.

00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,993

Now, his parents are very

worried about his safety,

00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,745

so please don't be

too cruel too him.

00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:16,079

Mark?

00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,250

Hey guys,

what's up?

00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:21,835

Dude, what's

wrong with you?

00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,086

Do you have some kind of

John Travolta disease?

00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:25,047

Alright, children,

let's just try to pretend

00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,798

there isn't a little boy in a

huge plastic hamster ball here

00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,467

and go on

with our studies.

00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:30,969

Now, who can tell me when

Columbus sailed the seas

00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,221

and discovered America?

00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,889

Yes, Mark?

00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,682

Ay! How come you

never pick me?

00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,351

Because you never know the

right answer, butt-for-brains.

00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:38,310

Yes, Mark?

00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,062

The answer is 1492.

00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,396

However, the Americas had

already been discovered

00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,814

by many before him,

00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:43,857

including the Vikings

and the Native Americans,

00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,651

and therefore your

question is a charade.

00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,277

Aw, see, that's what

I was gonna say!

00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:48,904

Very impressive, Mark.

00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,364

You should be able to

throw the grading curve

00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,241

and flunk all

these little bastards.

00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,952

Oh God, this kid's gonna

last about five seconds

00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,620

out on the

playground.

00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,580

Now, who can tell me what

country Columbus was from?

00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,582

Put your hand down,

cream puff.

00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,417

That does it!

00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,963

I do not need to sit here

and be ridiculed!

00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:07,923

I'm gonna be home-schooled

from now on!

00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:08,840

You don't wanna be

home-schooled, fat ass.

00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:10,926

I'm gonna be home-schooled

00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,761

and leave all the pain and suffering

of public school behind me!

00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:16,640

Screw you, guys...

I'm gonna be home-schooled.

00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,809

Oh please God,

let it be forever.

00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,310

[bell rings]

00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,734

Come on, Pip, say it,

say "please hit me."

00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,194

But if I say that,

you'll hit me!

00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,988

No, I'm gonna hit you

if you don't say it.

00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,489

If you say "please hit me,"

I won't hit you.

00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:33,365

"Please hit me."

00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:34,741

Alright.

- Ow!

00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:35,784

Alright, let's

try this again, Pip...

00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:36,827

I don't understand.

00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:37,911

You seem to

like that boy,

00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,079

yet hate him

at the same time.

00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,372

Hey, kid, get out of

that hamster ball.

00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:41,540

Oh, I promised

my father I wouldn't.

00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:42,833

Oh, boy.

00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,042

Sorry, dude,

you're on your own.

00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,836

You best do what he says,

home-school kid.

00:09:45,961 --> 00:09:47,796

Why this is our part

of the playground, see,

00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,339

and if you don't

follow our rules,

00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:51,300

we're gonna duct-tape

ya to a bench.

00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,260

You mean you would actually duct

tape my entire body to a bench?

00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:54,761

For what purpose?

00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:55,721

Just get out

of the hamster ball

00:09:55,846 --> 00:09:57,347

or else you're

gonna find out!

00:09:58,557 --> 00:10:00,267

[kids shouting]

00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,315

Have a nice second half

of the day, nerdo.

00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,066

Yeah, why... why, you shouldn't

be such a smart mouth

00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,067

Mr. Know-It-All.

00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,236

Oh, dear.

00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,449

Oh, where could he be?!

00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:17,451

He should have been home

from the public school by now!

00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:18,827

I'm sure

he's alright.

00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,412

That must be him!

00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,331

Aaaaaaaaaaghhh!

00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:25,042

Oh my God, son!

00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,335

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,045

Mark, what have they

done to you?!

00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:29,880

Well, they duct-taped

me to a bench.

00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:30,922

But why?!

00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:32,132

I don't know, Mother.

00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,091

It didn't make

any sense at all.

00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,551

Well, you see?!

00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,011

This is what happens

at public schools!

00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,095

But I want to

go back tomorrow, Papa.

00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,513

What?!

00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:39,348

Please, just give me

one more day.

00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,891

What do we do?

00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:41,808

Well, if we're going to

let him go back...

00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,518

It looks like I need

to have a little talk

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,063

with those other

boys' fathers!

00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,318

♪ Everywhere I go

I'm thinking of you, Rebecca ♪

00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:54,655

♪ I don't know

what to do, Rebecca ♪

00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:57,991

♪ You're so nice, I'd like to

get to know you better ♪

00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,035

♪ So what do you say

we get together ♪

00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,163

♪ You really are quite

good looking, Rebecca ♪

00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:07,042

♪ You really are quite

good looking, Rebecca ♪

00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,711

♪ Rebecca, you really are

quite good looking ♪

00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,464

♪ You're a fox ♪

00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,984

Uh... good evening, gentlemen.

00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,404

If I could have your attention

for a few moments...

00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,781

My son Mark was beat up

in school today, by your sons.

00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:40,283

I think it would be appropriate

for you to talk with your sons,

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:42,536

and instruct them to no longer

tease or bother my boy.

00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:45,414

Look, Mr...

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,748

Cotswolds.

00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,542

Mr. Cotswolds, we can't

completely control

00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,210

what our kids

do socially.

00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,671

That's for them to

figure out on their own.

00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:54,798

Well, obviously they need to be

to be coached a little better.

00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,510

And furthermore, your son has

been harassing my little girl.

00:11:58,635 --> 00:11:59,845

I would like you

to tell him to stop.

00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,680

Hey, my son is just

discovering love.

00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:03,056

Maybe your

daughter is, too.

00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,474

They need to know

about that stuff.

00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,767

Oh, hello?!

00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,227

My girl is

eight years old!

00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:08,520

What does she need to

know about love?!

00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,147

Well, something.

00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,773

I mean, you can't just

wait until she's a teenager

00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,358

and expect her to figure out

everything all at once.

00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,402

I will not tell you

how to raise your children

00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,654

and you will not tell me

how to raise mine.

00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,573

You want a beer

or something, Catswall?

00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,283

No, I don't drink beer.

00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,367

I just like

wine coolers.

00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,202

You what!?

00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,122

See ya, Cotswolds,

thanks for stopping by.

00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,915

Yeah, see ya.

00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,004

I can't even get her

to understand.

00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:35,130

It's like she's

from another planet.

00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,173

Can I sit here

with you?

00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:37,507

Oh man,

if you have to.

00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,884

[female]

Attention students.

00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:40,552

Don't forget that

this Friday night is

00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:43,221

the South Park Elementary

"Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance".

00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,099

We will have a very special band

performing so please come early.

00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:47,434

Hey, that's it,

the dance!

00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:48,977

I can ask Rebecca

to go to the dance!

00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,270

Dude what

happened to you?!

00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,313

You're a total

wuss now!

00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,397

Ha ha!

00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,065

Mrfm frm mrm!

00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:55,484

Why do you call Kyle names

and laugh at him?

00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:56,818

Is he not

your friend?

00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:57,903

Yeah, dude, but guys

just do that.

00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,446

We rip on each other

and stuff.

00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,031

I see--it's like you have to

mark your territory as a boy.

00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,407

You have to socially

find your place.

00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:03,867

What?

00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:04,993

Enjoying your

lunch, nerd-o?

00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,703

Ah, sticks and stones

may break my bones

00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:07,996

but words will

never harm me!

00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,498

Oh, dude,

you don't say that!

00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:10,874

Huh?

00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,501

Get him!

00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:16,671

Boy, that kid's having a hard

time adjusting to public school.

00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:19,174

Yeah, I wonder how Cartman is

doing with his home-schooling.

00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:25,972

Uhhh... seriously...

00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,852

Uhhh...

00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,938

Hon, are you ready

for some math problems?

00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,356

Oh, not right

this second, Mother.

00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,524

Put them there

by the door.

00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,900

Oh, alright.

00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:37,651

Mom...

00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,194

Yes, hon?

00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,111

Could you turn up

the heat just a little?

00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,738

Sure, hon.

00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:42,948

Uhhhh...

00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:46,117

Dude, home-schooling

rules!

00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:47,577

Yes!

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:54,376

Oh, hello.

00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,002

Oh! Uh... Rebecca!

00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,505

There's this dance, see...

at the school... and, um--

00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,549

Hey, would you like to

come up to my room?

00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,925

Huh?

00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:02,843

Would you like to

come up to my room?

00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,594

Uh... okay?

00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:08,598

I'm sorry, Son, there's nothing

we can do to stop those bullies.

00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,600

We have to pull you

out of public school.

00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,311

Oh, Papa... can I at least

go to the dance tomorrow?

00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:15,105

Alright, you can go.

00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:16,356

But I'll be there

to supervise.

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,816

Alright...

00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,442

Mark, where is your sister?

00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:20,902

She's upstairs playing doctor

with that Kyle boy.

00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,112

Oh, alright.

00:14:22,237 --> 00:14:22,988

[both]

What?!

00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,364

Rebecca?!

00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,533

Don't play his

perverted games!

00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:32,539

I have to extirpate a lesion

in his cerebral cortex

00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:34,541

or risk infection to

the synaptic responses.

00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:37,377

Uh... alright, Rebecca,

00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,546

but it's time to start

your home-schooling.

00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:42,674

Rebecca, there's

this dance, see.

00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,968

The South Park Elementary

Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.

00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:47,637

And I was wondering,

if you want to go.

00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,514

Hmmm... alright,

I guess I'll go.

00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:50,640

You will?!

00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,142

I guess.

00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:53,101

Are you gonna go?

Maybe I'll see you there.

00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,603

No, no... I mean...

go with me.

00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,147

Oh I'm sure Father

will give me a ride.

00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,319

Aaahh..

00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,739

Ughhhh...

00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,784

Eric, I got you

a new history textbook.

00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:11,369

Why don't you

come downstairs?

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,413

Waaaaghhh...

not right now, Mom.

00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:17,375

Eric, please, we have to

do some studying today.

00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,627

I am studying, Mom.

00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:19,961

I'm learning with

the Fonics Monkey.

00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,380

Mach maaach, mach!

00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:25,258

Waaaaghhh....

00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,509

Hey, fat ass, how's

home-schooling going?

00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,762

Oh, it's so

sweet, you guys.

00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,180

Well get your ass

out of bed,

00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:31,473

we have to go deal

with that home-school kid.

00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:32,933

I can't,

I'm too tired.

00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:34,434

Maybe tomorrow.

00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,896

But the big dance

is tomorrow

00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,230

and all the guys are going to

duct-tape him to a flagpole.

00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:42,233

That sounds cool,

maybe I'll go to that.

00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,155

No, Fonics Monkey!

00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,284

Wach wach waaaaach!

- No, Fonics Monkey!

00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:52,619

That's a bad

Fonics Monkey!

00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,164

Wach wach waaaach!

00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:59,542

Oh my God, Fonics Monkey

killed Kenny!

00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,461

You're damn

straight he did.

00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:03,588

You got my note?

00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:04,673

Of course, you

taped it to my dog,

00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:05,840

how could

I not see it?

00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:07,008

Uhh... can we sit down?

00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,343

Why not?

00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:11,388

Isn't Papa's

garden beautiful?

00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,722

He works

so hard on it.

00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:15,558

Rebecca... don't you

ever look at the town?

00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,602

At that flicker of light

over there?

00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,270

I have looked at it.

00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,981

Well, that's

a public school.

00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,733

And in it, there are

children, just like us.

00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:26,653

How can children go to school

on a flicker of light?

00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:29,572

From public school, your house

is just a flicker of light.

00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,282

Don't you

want to go out?

00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,243

All you do is stay

in your house and study.

00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,703

What else would one do?

00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,037

Love...

for one thing.

00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,831

And what is love?

00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,041

Love... Is the most

important thing on Earth.

00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,960

When boys and

girls feel love...

00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,545

they kiss.

00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:44,963

What means "kiss"?

00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,923

When a man and

a woman feel love

00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,466

they put their

lips together.

00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,010

Oh, you mean a mate?

00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:51,553

When it is time to

increase the herd,

00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,179

my provider will

select one for me.

00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:56,433

Rebecca, in public school,

we select our own mate.

00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:58,893

In public school,

men and women get together,

00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,270

make each other happy.

00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:03,398

You certainly come

from a silly place.

00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,068

Still, I should like

to try this... kiss.

00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,696

So I could

write about it.

00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:11,322

How do we do it?

00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,615

I'm not completely sure.

00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,451

Should we...

look it up?

00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,202

No, I think its just something

you have to try a few times

00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:19,080

until you...

get it... right.

00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,957

Mmmm...

00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:21,958

[smooch]

00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,168

Wow!

00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,669

Wow, that was fun!

00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,046

Does that--

00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,255

does that mean you'll

go to the dance?

00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,507

You bet your

sweet ass I will!

00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:31,551

Alright, here's the plan.

00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,886

Tomorrow night

at the dance,

00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:34,304

when none of the

chaperones are looking,

00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:35,680

you guys go grab Mark, bring him out here

00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,474

and then we're gonna duct tape

him to this flagpole.

00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,892

Are you sure?

00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:39,768

He could be out here all

night on the flagpole.

00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:40,977

That's the point, buttpipe!

00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,562

Don't call me

a buttpipe, buttpipe!

00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:44,689

Well, come on, we gotta go

buy us some more duct tape!

00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,566

[all]

Hooray!

00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,570

Alright, here's the plan:

00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,155

all we gotta to is volunteer

to chaperone the dance tomorrow.

00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,282

Why do we all wanna

chaperone the dance?

00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,367

Because Cotswolds

is gonna be there.

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,161

And we he shows up,

we all grab him,

00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,496

bring him out here...

00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,581

and duct tape him

to the flagpole!

00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:03,500

The flagpole,

that's great!

00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,085

Come on we gotta buy

more duct tape!

00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,544

[all]

Alright!

00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:18,640

Dude, we're gonna go duct tape

that Mark kid to the bleachers,

00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:19,182

you wanna help?

00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,850

I can't.

00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:21,601

I have to wait for

Rebecca to show up.

00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:22,685

Oh, brother!

00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:23,812

Don't you

oh brother me!

00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:24,813

She's the woman

of my dreams!

00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,814

You suck now, Kyle.

00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,482

You suck!

00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,817

Boys and girls can I

have your attention please?

00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:31,027

This year we have a very

special guest performing

00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:33,321

at the South Park Elementary

Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance.

00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,907

He was a musical force

in the Seventies and Eighties.

00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:39,244

Please welcome...

Ronni James Dio!

00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,332

Are you ready to rock,

boys and girls?!

00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:48,044

I said...

are you ready to rock?!

00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,796

Uh, sure, I guess.

00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:51,756

Then let's hit it!

00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,884

I know you'll all

remember this one.

00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,928

It's off my

first solo album.

00:18:57,053 --> 00:19:00,181

The song that you all

helped me make number one!

00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,392

♪ Holy diver ♪

00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:05,436

♪ You've been down too long

in the midnight sea-- ♪

00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:09,065

Hey, there he is,

there's the home-school kid!

00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:12,861

Come on, let's go duct tape him

to the flag pole.

00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,279

Hey, isn't that the

home-school kid's sister?

00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:17,323

Hi, guys!

00:19:17,448 --> 00:19:18,283

[smooch]

00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:22,162

Holy cow!

00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,663

Hey, baby,

come see me later, 'kay?

00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:26,207

What the--

damn, baby!

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,750

Hey, Kyle,

wanna go make out?

00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:29,836

Rebecca... you...

00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:30,837

Rebecca, what the

devil are you doing?!

00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:31,838

I'm having fun, Mark!

00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,965

Oh, goodness!

00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,133

You're out of control!

00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:36,301

You did this

to my sister!

00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:37,886

Uh... all I did was

show her how to--

00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,596

You made my sister

into a slut!

00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:40,388

I'll kill you!

00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,598

Aaaghgh!

00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,935

You bitch!

00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,104

I'm gonna whoop

your bitch-ass!

00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,857

Oh my God!

00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,066

Dude, he's kicking

the crap out of Kyle!

00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,651

Yeah, he's

a bad-ass!

00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:55,320

Alright, alright,

that's enough, boys!

00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,447

I'm not through

with you, bitch!

00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:58,823

Hey, you're

pretty cool, Mark.

00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,533

Yeah, that was

real bad-ass

00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:01,826

how you stood up

for your sister.

00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,620

I'd a kicked Kyle's

bitch-ass too.

00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:04,954

You wanna have grab

some cake with me?

00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,706

No, he's my friend!

00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,000

He said he'd

hang out with me!

00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,669

They've got to

be here somewhere!

00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:13,379

Hey, there's Cotswolds!

00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,089

Come on, let's duct-tape him

to the flagpole!

00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,758

[all]

Yeah!

00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,177

[music stops]

00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:21,387

Where are my children?

00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,556

I'm taking them out of

this God-forsaken place!

00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:25,516

Calm down, Papa.

00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,018

Everything is alright.

00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:29,938

You see, I've learned

something today.

00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,648

Public schools may be a bit

lacking in education,

00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,358

but it's the main place

where children learn

00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:34,776

all of their

social skills.

00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,194

You can't teach a child

social skills,

00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:37,862

they have to learn them

themselves,

00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:38,988

and the only place to do that

is on the playground

00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:40,490

in the cafeteria

and so on.

00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,242

Don't you see, Papa?

00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,910

That's what happened

to your daughter.

00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:45,370

You tried so hard to keep her

from anything sexual,

00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:47,830

and now look at her,

she's a Goddamned whore, Papa!

00:20:47,956 --> 00:20:49,582

Wow, she sure is.

00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:51,542

I know letting your kids out

into the world is scary.

00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,169

I know you wish nothing bad

would ever happen to us.

00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:54,462

But bad things will happen,

00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:55,713

and we have to

start learning now

00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:57,298

how to deal with

those things.

00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:04,722

Mark... you're

absolutely right...

00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:06,307

Okay, children,

if it's what you want,

00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,810

you can start going

to public school!

00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:10,186

[all]

Alright!

00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:12,855

Nice speech, nerd-o.

00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:13,773

Thanks, gay wad.

00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,275

Now you're

getting it!

00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,901

Well, come on guys,

if I'm not mistaken

00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,404

we still have someone to

duct-tape to the flag pole!

00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:20,446

[all]

Hooray!

00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:21,656

What?!

00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,409

See ya, Papa!

00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,786

Well, I'm glad we all

learned something today, kids.

00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:28,955

Now let's dance!

00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:31,499

♪ Holy diver ♪

00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:34,627

♪ You've been down too long

in the midnight sea ♪

00:21:34,752 --> 00:21:37,922

♪ Oh what's

becoming of me ♪

00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:41,551

♪ Like the tiger ♪

00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:44,846

♪ You can see his stripes

but you know he's clean ♪

00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:48,391

♪ Oh, don't you

see what I mean ♪

00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,894

♪ Gotta get away ♪

00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:55,231

♪ Holy diver... ♪♪