Панда сексуальных домогательств

00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,080

Вследствие последних событий в стране

00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:47,400

мне было приказано рассказать вам

о сексуальном домогательстве в школе.

00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:48,776

О чём?

00:00:48,801 --> 00:00:51,560

Кто-нибудь знает,

что такое сексуальное домогательство?

00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:53,260

Да, Эрик.

00:00:53,295 --> 00:00:55,440

Это, когда ты собираешься

заняться сексом со своей подругой,

00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,880

а другой мужик сзади подходит

и начинает тебе яйца щекотать.

00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,000

Нет, Эрик! Я говорю не об этом!

00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,858

Школьный комитет прислал особого гостя...

00:01:04,859 --> 00:01:08,159

который сейчас расскажет нам

о сексуальном домогательстве в школе.

00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,520

Встречайте, это - Пити,

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,760

Кто живёт на Востоке, в мире и тишине?

00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,680

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,860

Кто расскажет о домогательствах

тебе и мне?

00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,760

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,640

"Это не говори!"

"Не трогай там!"

00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,600

"К людям не приставай!"

- говорит вам медвежонок.

00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,280

Панда расскажет вам, что такое

хорошо и что такое плохо.

00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,560

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство

расскажет вам всё!

00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,400

Привет, мальчики и девочки!

00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,000

Поздоровайтесь с Пандой

Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,160

Привет, Панда!

00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:49,640

А вы знаете, что если один панда

дёргает другого панду за трусики,

00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,960

то это - сексуальное домогательство?

00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:58,120

- И тогда я становлюсь грустным пандой.

- Господи, какой бред, чувак!

00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,600

А когда один маленький панда засовывает

свой меховой крантик в ушко другой панде,

00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,080

я становлюсь очень грустной пандой.

00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,920

Теперь я раздам вам брошюры,

00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:13,840

и мы с вами обсудим все положения

по сексуальному домогательству.

00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,200

5 часов спустя...

00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,440

Статья 36, раздел 19.

00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:25,840

Панда не должна комментировать

внешность другого панды.

00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,920

Господи, выпустите меня отсюда!

00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,540

- А по-моему, клёвый панда!

- Да что с тебя взять, жополиз!

00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,910

- Как ты меня назвал?

- Жополиз. Ты вылизываешь задницу.

00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:36,520

Видишь задницу и вылизываешь её!

Поэтому так и назвал!

00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,300

С меня довольно! Я подам на тебя

в суд за сексуальное домогательство!

00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,320

Я не позволю себя домогаться!

00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,440

Здесь написано, что я могу подать

на тебя в суд и забрать все твои деньги!

00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,760

- Так точно! Он может!

- Не можешь, жополиз!

00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,860

Так! Все свидетели!

Он снова это сделал!

00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:56,120

Панда одной стороны может подать

в суд на панду другой стороны...

00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,560

однако, в случае, когда

вышеупомянутый панда второй стороны...

00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,000

Дело номер 3433, Картман против Марша.

00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,360

Изложите вашу жалобу, мистер Картман.

00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,660

Ваша честь, мой адвокат как раз

паркует машину, он сейчас придет.

00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,840

- Блин! У него что, адвокат есть?

- Привет, простите за опоздание!

00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,560

- Папа?!

- Привет, Кайл!

00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,840

Давайте всё-таки продолжим!

Эрик Картман,

00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,680

Вы утверждаете, что Стэн Марш

домогался вас в классном кабинете?

00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,520

- Всё верно, ваша честь.

- Какого чёрта?

00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,080

Он говорил об акте орального

секса с моими ягодицами.

00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,280

- Я назвал тебя жополизом!

- Да! Именно так!

00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,600

И я был так расстроен!

Весь день не мог сосредоточиться!

00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,960

А как он на меня смотрел,

смотрел на меня в упор, сверху донизу...

00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,950

прямо рассматривал,

как будто раздевал меня глазами!

00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,200

Что?! Ты чё, опух?

Ты сам всё время других обзываешь!

00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,080

Как вы видите, ваша честь, мой клиент

слишком расстроен, чтобы продолжать.

00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,480

- Мистер Марш, что вы можете сказать?

- В каком смысле?

00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:48,080

- Что вы скажете в свою защиту.

- Ну, мне восемь лет.

00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,830

Дело предельно ясно.

00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,438

Стэн Марш, согласно новому закону

о сексуальных домогательствах в школах,

00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:54,139

я признаю вас виновным!

00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,840

Получилось! Ура!

00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,240

Поскольку подсудимый - несовершеннолетний

и не обладает денежными средствами...

00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,651

по решению суда 50% имущества

Стэна Марша переходит...

00:04:02,652 --> 00:04:04,652

во владение Эрика Картмана.

00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,120

- Я должен отдать ему половину всего?

- Шикарно!

00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:14,360

Так, так! Значит я хочу вот эту настольную

игру, вот эту куклу Пауэр Джим, посмотрим...

00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,849

Тебе нравится этот грузовик

с дистанционным управлением?

00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:19,250

Да! Это - моя любимая игрушка!

00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,640

Тогда я его тоже забираю!

00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,760

- А это - тоже твоя любимая игрушка?

- Нет, вообще-то, я её ненавижу!

00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,160

Что-ж, значит, ты не будешь

возражать, если я её заберу.

00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,620

- Чёрт!

- В качестве вашего гонорара...

00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:34,640

можете выбрать зеленый паровозик

или мяч для регби.

00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,480

Эрик, я тут подумал...

00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,750

Да, да. Вот эту модель самолёта,

пожалуйста! Продолжайте!

00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,160

На самом деле ответственность

за домогательства несут школы!

00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,160

Возможно, следует подать в суд на них.

00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:50,300

- С чего бы это мне подавать в суд на школы?

- Ну, хотя бы потому, что они...

00:04:50,301 --> 00:04:53,240

закрывают глаза на домогательства

и, главное, денег у них гораздо больше.

00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,320

Из этого случая можно выжать много денег,

гораздо больше, чем половину вещей Стэна.

00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:57,760

Интересно!

00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,760

Ингалятор Стэна против астмы...

Я его хочу!

00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,480

Отвечайте на вопрос!

00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,520

Знали ли вы, что в классе

происходят случаи домогательства?

00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,280

Понятия не имел!

00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,480

Мистер Гаррисон, вы знаете,

что такое сексуальное домогательство?

00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,720

Конечно! И мистер Шляпа знает!

Мы не терпим сексуальных домогательств!

00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,200

Свидетелем выступаете вы,

мистер Гаррисон, а не мистер Шляпа.

00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,440

Прости, куколка!

00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,640

Вы слышали, как моего клиента

прилюдно назвали жополизом?

00:05:21,675 --> 00:05:22,405

Да!

00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,200

- И вы ничего не сделали?

- Но он и есть жополиз!

00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,880

Мистер Гаррисон, напоминаю,

что мы находимся в суде!

00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:30,480

Извини, детка! Извини!

00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,680

Директор Виктория, знали ли вы,

00:05:33,715 --> 00:05:35,750

что мой клиент испытывал на себе

домогательства в вашей школе?

00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,845

Ну, не больше, чем остальные ученики.

00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,346

То есть, вы признаёте

случаи домогательств!

00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:40,790

Не знаю!

00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,680

Вы не знаете?

Как?! Вы же директор школы!

00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,510

- Не могу каждую секунду за всем следить!

- Значит, такие случаи имеют место!

00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,520

Хорошо! Я признаюсь, я убила его!

00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,920

Я ударила его по голове

и разрезала труп на части!

00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,960

Я пыталась его сжечь, но он не горел!

00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,840

Какой отвратительный запах!

00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,966

Я положила ноги в мешки для мусора,

а торс скинула под мост!

00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:59,267

Я была вынуждена это сделать!

00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,040

Боже!

00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,800

Директор Виктория, вы называли

Эрика Картмана жополизом? Да или нет?

00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,960

- Наверное, да!

- Господи, это же - домогательство.

00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:15,200

И последний эксперт - свидетель, это

- Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,074

Свидетель, правда ли,

что в начальной школе Саут Парка...

00:06:23,109 --> 00:06:24,920

попустительствуют домогательствам.

00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,487

Да, когда один маленький панда просит

другого панду заняться оральным сексом,

00:06:29,488 --> 00:06:32,599

- ...это - домогательство.

- И кого же в этом винить?

00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,200

Я боюсь, по законам штата

ответственность несёт школа.

00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,800

Вот и всё, что требовалось доказать!

Вы сами слышали этого коня!

00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,560

- Панду.

- Да, этого панду.

00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,971

По рассмотрению дела суд выносит

решение, что начальная школа Саут Парка...

00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:48,120

обязана выплатить Эрику Теодору Картману

один миллион триста тысяч долларов.

00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,000

- Эрик! Нам удалось!

- Зажигай, пацаны!

00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,680

Зажигаем!

00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,640

Это, пожалуйста, в главную спальню.

00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,760

- Ну что, Кайл, тебе нравится новый дом?

- Он большой!

00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,600

Да! Он очень большой!

Очень большой дом!

00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,481

Пап, если школа должна выплатить тебе

и Картману миллион триста тысяч,

00:07:07,482 --> 00:07:08,582

откуда пойдут эти деньги?

00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,030

Видишь ли, Кайл, у школ очень много денег.

00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,280

Мы платим налоги, и часть

этих налогов идёт школам.

00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,480

Вот из этих-то денег мы и получим

миллион триста тысяч.

00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,960

И тебя это не смущает?

00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,640

Нет! Это - очень хрупкая

система, она создана природой!

00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,640

И вещи в ней перетекают одна в другую!

00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,480

- Ты пытаешься меня запутать?

- Типа, да.

00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,430

Ладно, дети. В школе произошли

некоторые изменения...

00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,680

но уроки будут проходить как и раньше.

Вопросы?

00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,200

- Да, Стэн?

- А где наши парты?

00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,619

Ах, да. Парты.

Фонд школы пришлось изрядно урезать...

00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:47,120

из-за судебных исков.

Поэтому нам придётся поприжаться.

00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,920

Вот видишь, жиртрест?!

Это всё из-за тебя!

00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,110

Зато у меня есть шикарные часы

и потрясные ботинки.

00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,400

Пацаны, хочу сказать,

что подать в суд - это шикарно!

00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,880

- Я тоже хочу подать на кого-нибудь в суд!

- Я тоже! Я хочу адвоката!

00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,240

Постараемся как-нибудь привыкнуть

к изменениям и продолжим работу.

00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:05,800

Сейчас я напишу на доске предложение,

а вы найдёте в нём существительное.

00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,910

Да, да. Дети, понимаю, но мы больше не

можем позволить себе покупать мел.

00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,000

Поэтому я вынужден царапать

на доске ржавым гвоздиком, да.

00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,480

Итак, я нацарапаю предложение:

"Мяч красный"...

00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,360

Дети, вы устали от домогательств в школе?

00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,280

Вам надоело, что вас называют голубыми?

Вонючками?

00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,360

Членоголовыми?

00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,110

Позвоните мне, папе Кайла!

00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:35,960

А я помогу вам захлопнуть крышку котла

сексуальных домогательств в школе!

00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,435

После того, как один мальчик из класса

хотел сунуть мне в рот свой язык...

00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:42,617

я обратилась к адвокату. Папа Кайла

помог мне получить миллион шестьсот тысяч...

00:08:42,618 --> 00:08:46,280

и этот красивый велосипед.

Спасибо, папа Кайла!

00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:52,040

Папа Кайла помог мне получить миллион

четыреста тысяч, он и вам поможет!

00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,520

Смотрите, какие красивые девочки!

00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,040

Позвоните мне, папе Кайла,

00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,220

потому что главное

- это не деньги. Хотя...

00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,240

Господи, что я говорю?

Звоните!

00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:06,040

К вам дети пристают? Не надо грустить!

Папа Кайла поможет вам их засудить!

00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,150

Так. Как ещё мы можем

урезать школьный бюджет?

00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,640

У нас остался Том Моррис.

00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,670

Он играет роль Панды

Сексуальное Домогательство.

00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,950

Да, мы больше не можем

позволить себе его услуги.

00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,680

Предупреждаю, мистер Эванс, он слишком

серьёзно относится к своей работе.

00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,400

Привет, дети сексуальных домогательств!

00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,560

- Присаживайтесь, мистер Моррис.

- Кто?

00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,080

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство.

00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,840

А! Спасибо!

00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,200

Мистер Моррис, на заседании

школьного совета мы решили,

00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,372

что, возможно, панда...

00:09:44,373 --> 00:09:48,373

это - не лучший способ объяснить детям,

что такое сексуальное домогательство.

00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,936

Видите ли, мистер Моррис,

мы полагаем, что панда не имеет...

00:09:53,937 --> 00:09:57,337

никакого отношения

к сексуальным домогательствам.

00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,480

Совсем никакого!

00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,560

Так что, боюсь,

мы должны с вами расстаться.

00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,760

Я стал грустным пандой!

00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,475

Эрик Картман, вы виновны в...

00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:12,876

сексуальных домогательствах

на территории школы к Пипу Филипу.

00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,870

- Нет, да вы что!

- Я выиграл!

00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,100

Это бред какой-то!

00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,790

Вы потребовали, чтобы Пип

сосал ваш... сами знаете что!

00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,720

Вы отдаёте Пипу половину имущества,

а школа платит миллион шестьсот тысяч.

00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:23,640

Господи!

00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,440

- А я молодец!

- Следующий!

00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,520

Эта девочка трогала меня за бедро!

00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,400

Половина её имущества,

и от школы два миллиона сто тысяч.

00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,000

- Мы погибли!

- Следующий!

00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,760

Ваша честь, этот юноша

обсуждал форму моей задницы.

00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,540

Половину его имущества!

От школы два миллиона!

00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:45,760

Ладно, дети, садитесь, пожалуйста.

Сегодня нам предстоит многое узнать.

00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:53,480

Так, хорошо, Клайд, скажи мне, когда

Виллис Грант стал президентом США?

00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,310

Не отвечай!

00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,640

Крэг, может ты?

00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,360

Ладно! Я отказываюсь обсуждать темы,

которые могут привести к моему осеменению.

00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:04,750

Обвинению!

00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:08,228

Дети, мне очень не нравится,

что вы обзавелись адвокатами.

00:11:08,229 --> 00:11:11,229

Это мешает нам заниматься.

00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,440

А, да. Да, понял.

00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,440

Дети, я хотел сказать, что одобряю

ваше решение обзавестись адвокатами...

00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,120

и полностью его поддерживаю.

00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,400

Вернёмся к Виллису Гранту,

если вы, конечно, не возражаете.

00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,040

- Привет, дети!

- Привет, Шеф!

00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,640

- Как настроение?

- Погано!

00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,480

Будет ещё хуже!

Всё, что могу предложить - пюре без масла.

00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,360

Пюре без масла! Нет!

00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,920

Мне жаль, но нам урезали финансирование.

00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,520

Господи, пацаны!

Сделайте хоть что-нибудь!

00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,200

Шеф, а как мы можем остановить

судебные иски по этим гательствам?

00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,440

Не знаю, дети.

Спросите у папы, он ведь адвокат.

00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,965

Я пытался с ним поговорить,

но он не хочет останавливаться!

00:11:50,966 --> 00:11:51,966

На исках он слишком хорошо зарабатывает.

00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,400

Но кто-то же должен знать, что делать

с этими безобразиями вокруг домогательств.

00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,100

Может, тот тупой панда?

00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,514

Точно!

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:11:58,515 --> 00:12:00,315

С него всё и началось!

Надо его найти!

00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:04,680

Надеюсь, найдёте. Иначе всю жизнь

будете жрать пюре без масла!

00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:09,410

Ещё 32 иска по делу о сексуальных

домогательствах за последние сутки.

00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:10,551

Господи!

00:12:10,721 --> 00:12:13,280

Нам придётся урезать программы

психологической помощи и здорового питания

00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,160

Дети уже начали подавать в суд

на взрослых, потом и на нас начнут!

00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,480

Господи! Вы правы!

00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,240

Извините, мы хотели бы поговорить

с Пандой Сексуальное Домогательство.

00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,960

Пожалуйста, не подавайте на нас в суд!

00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,160

- Мы отдадим вам всё, что хотите!

- Мы хотим панду!

00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,000

Ну, нам пришлось его уволить.

00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,480

- То есть, он сам ушел!

- Где он сейчас?

00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,600

Мы не знаем! Честное слово!

Не трогайте нас!

00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:36,920

С ума они, что ли, посходили?

00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:41,440

У вас впечатляющие отзывы,

и вы явно амбициозны,

00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,640

но, боюсь, на данный момент в нашей

компании нет подходящей вакансии.

00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:50,946

- Это, потому что я - панда, да?

- Да, потому что вы - панда.

00:12:50,947 --> 00:12:53,600

И ещё потому что вы -

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство.

00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,920

Я - такой, какой я есть!

00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,280

Вы когда-нибудь слышали о приюте

"Остров Съехавших Талисманов"?

00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:04,720

Это - убежище для талисманов - лузеров,

я - не такой!

00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,640

Возможно, это - то, что вам нужно!

00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,080

Я не собираюсь сидеть

и выслушивать это всё!

00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,560

Сейчас большой панда

врежет вам по заднице!

00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:16,971

По всей стране растёт число исков

на тему сексуальных домогательств,

00:13:16,972 --> 00:13:19,472

и вот-вот начнётся дело о...

00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,340

сексуальном домогательстве

каждого против каждого!

00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,367

Независимо от результата,

школы будут обязаны...

00:13:26,368 --> 00:13:29,068

выплачивать около

тридцати миллионов долларов!

00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,280

Каждого представляет

Джеральд Брофловски!

00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,560

Адвокат из Саут Парка, который

рассчитывает получить неплохую комиссию!

00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,720

Противоположную сторону, каждого

представляет Джеральд Брофловски!

00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,360

Кажется, папу Кайла ждут нехилые

баблосы независимо от исхода дела!

00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,832

Лично я считаю, что он - редкая сволочь...

00:13:45,833 --> 00:13:48,133

которая рассчитывает

неслабо поживиться за счёт...

00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:52,680

Последнее сообщение! Папа Кайла подаёт

в суд на ведущего новостей за клевету!

00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,940

Ведущий новостей пока отказывается

от комментариев! Минуточку!

00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,240

Ещё виски?

00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,320

Эй! Панда!

00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,840

Мы тут таких, как ты, не любим!

00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,040

Успокойся, Скитер!

Он никого не трогает!

00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:26,260

Нет! Я кое-что всё-таки

спрошу этого панду!

00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,380

Если вы, панды, водитесь

в горах Китая и Тибета,

00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:36,760

какого хрена вы едите бамбук, который

растёт только в засушливых регионах, а?

00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,640

Скитер, нам не нужны неприятности!

00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,400

Всё в порядке. Я всё понял.

00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,360

В этом мире нет места пандам.

00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:51,440

Можете не переживать, я отправляюсь

на Остров Съехавших Талисманов.

00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,099

Скитер! Вот какого хрена каждый раз...

00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:59,100

когда к нам заходит панда,

тебе обязательно выступать, а?

00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,200

Ну, Кайл, что скажешь?

00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,670

Пап, разве наш прежний дом

был недостаточно большим?

00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:08,685

- Да, но этот же ещё больше!

- После завтрашнего дела...

00:15:08,686 --> 00:15:10,800

всё станет ещё хуже!

Надо это остановить!

00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,360

- Кайл, позволь я тебе кое-что объясню.

- О, Господи! Началось!

00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,280

Понимаешь, Кайл, мы живём

в демократическом обществе.

00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,866

И демократы приняли законы

о сексуальных домогательствах.

00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:21,567

Где сказано, что мы можем и что не можем

говорить на рабочем месте...

00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,850

что можем и что не можем делать.

00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:26,990

- Это же - фашизм!

- Нет, потому что мы не называем это так.

00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,480

- Понимаешь?

- А ты?

00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,280

Слушай, Кайл, посмотри на этот

огромный дом. Только посмотри на него!

00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,520

- Прошу прощения!

- Да, чем могу помочь?

00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,280

Нам сказали, что тут видели большую панду.

00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:38,920

Большую панду. Большую панду.

00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,160

Эй, вы! Восьмилетки!

00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,440

Мы тут таких, как вы, не любим!

00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,840

Успокойся, Скитер!

Они никого не трогают!

00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:53,200

Нет! Я всё-таки хочу спросить

этого мистера восьмилетку!

00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:59,360

С какой это стати вы носите каждую зиму

такие смешные, яркие, тёплые рубашки?

00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,160

Куртки что ли?

00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:03,920

Скитер, нам не нужны неприятности!

00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,750

Мы тут таких, как вы, не любим!

00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,000

Блин, что происходит?

00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,310

Короче, панду видели или нет?

00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,240

- Мы тут таких, как панда, не любим!

- А мы не любим таких, как ты!

00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:19,000

А мы не любим таких,

которые не любят таких, как мы!

00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,960

Короче, дети, панда здесь был,

00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,200

он говорил что-то об

Острове Съехавших Талисманов.

00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,480

- А где это?

- Если не ошибаюсь, рядом с Дженкинсом.

00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,480

- Пошли скорее!

- Вы только посмотрите!

00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,000

Эй, ты! Красотка!

00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,320

Мы тут таких, как ты, не любим!

00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,600

Успокойся, Скитер!

Она никого не трогает!

00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:47,280

Дело номер 47Г,

каждый против каждого.

00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,440

Сторону каждого

представляет Джеральд Брофловски.

00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,300

Спасибо, Ваша Честь!

Дамы и господа,

00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,440

каждый совершил преступление и каждый

должен понести за это наказание!

00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,000

Мой клиент, каждый, пострадал

от этого преступления и должен

получить компенсацию...

00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,960

Остров Съехавших Талисманов.

Наверное, это - здесь.

00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,760

- Привет, дети!

- А ты кто такой?

00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,000

Я Вилли Червяк Не Смотри На Солнце!

00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,480

Вы же знаете, что нельзя

долго смотреть на солнце, да?

00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:18,230

Да!

00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,880

Вы можете сжечь оболочку

глаза и ослепнуть!

00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:23,160

Спасибо большое!

00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,120

Хрю, хрю! Не забудьте,

что нельзя бегать без ножниц,

00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,160

это говорю вам я, Поросенок Пинки

Не Бегайте Без Ножниц!

00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,440

Я думал, с ножницами бегать нельзя!

00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,920

Поэтому он и попал на

Остров Съехавших Талисманов.

00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,440

А панду вы здесь не видели?

00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:40,175

Эй, дети, я - Сокол Джимми,

Не Держитесь За Большой Магнит...

00:17:40,176 --> 00:17:43,076

Если Кто-то Включил Вентилятор!

00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:45,200

- Что?!

- Вот, смотрите!

00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:54,750

Вот, видели?!

00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,160

- Господи, они убили Кенни!

- Сволочи!

00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,760

Вот он!

00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,040

- Как же мы рады, что нашли тебя!

- Почему?

00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,070

Потому, что все судятся со всеми!

И всё это из-за тебя!

00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,960

Похоже, я только проблемы создаю!

00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:18,540

Привет! Я Барсук Не Делайте Ничего Такого,

Что Может Повредить Внутреннему Уху.

00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,040

Я, наверное, пойду! Ладно?

00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,436

Пожалуйста, Панда, люди тебя слушаются.

00:18:27,437 --> 00:18:28,837

Ты должен их остановить, чтобы

они не судились друг с другом.

00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,160

Но я - всего лишь панда!

00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,720

Никакой ты не панда!

Ты - мужик в костюме панды!

00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,600

- Эй, да вы что! Я - настоящий червяк!

- Извините! Извините!

00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,760

Ты - настоящий червяк.

Да, да! Мы поняли!

00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,193

Ладно, ладно, ты - настоящий панда, но то,

что ты - Панда Сексуальное Домогательство...

00:18:45,194 --> 00:18:46,194

сейчас никому не помогает.

00:18:46,254 --> 00:18:49,707

Ты использовал свою силу, чтобы

рассказать людям о домогательствах.

00:18:49,742 --> 00:18:50,890

А теперь самая пора рассказать о другом.

00:18:50,891 --> 00:18:53,491

О том, что людям снова будет полезно.

00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:54,640

Это о чём?

00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,000

О том, что люди не должны всё время

подавать друг на друга в суд!

00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:02,247

- Знаете, дети, может, вы и правы!

- Да! - Отлично!

00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,320

- Ваша честь, в качестве последнего

аргумента я хотел бы...

- Подождите!

00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,840

Эй! Это же - Панда

Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,160

Нет! Теперь это совершенно другой панда!

И он хочет кое-что сказать!

00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,480

Привет всем!

00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,480

Я - Пити Панда Хватит Судиться!

00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,120

Панда Хватит Судиться?

00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:24,400

Эй! Мы тут не любим таких,

которые не любят судиться!

00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,440

Успокойся, Скитер, он никого не трогает!

00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,360

Послушайте меня! Когда вы подаёте

на кого-то в суд, плохо всем!

00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,960

Вы хотите денег, но откуда идут эти деньги?

00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,240

Из школ! Из налогов!

От государства! От вас самих!

00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,965

Не бывает бесплатных денег!

00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,846

Когда вы подаёте на кого-то в суд,

вы забираете деньги у парков, школ,

00:19:46,847 --> 00:19:49,047

благотворительных обществ,

и кладёте их в свой карман!

00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,560

И тогда я становлюсь грустным пандой!

00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,960

Я - тоже грустная панда!

00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,600

А я - очень грустная панда!

Я и не знал, что мы нанесли столько вреда!

00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:06,200

Это всё вина этого чёртова адвоката!

00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,480

Да! Давайте подадим на него в суд!

00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,100

- Да!

- Нет, нет, нет!

00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,320

Разве вы не слышали?

Панда, конечно, прав!

00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,800

Он совершенно прав, да!

00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,680

Когда мы подаём на кого-то в суд,

мы создаём новые проблемы в обществе!

00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,880

Сегодня я многое понял!

00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,390

Я видел лишь миллионы долларов,

которые текли мне в карман...

00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,480

и мне было неважно,

откуда идут эти деньги.

00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,860

Больше я не буду заниматься судами

и сексуальными домогательствами в школах!

00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,500

Они слишком расплывчаты

и подкупны, эти суды!

00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:32,960

Спасибо тебе,

Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!

00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,520

Панда Хватит Судиться!

00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,710

А, да какая разница!

Давайте больше не будем судиться!

00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,360

Ребята, всем по мороженому!

00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,280

Панда обожает мороженое!

00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:48,160

Похоже, адвокатов у нас нет,

и дело развалилось! Дело закрыто!

00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,000

Эй! Мы тут не любим таких,

которые дела закрывают!

00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,720

Скитер, заткнись ты!

Мать твою!

00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:00,040

Привет, дети!

Я - Панда Хватит Судиться...

00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,640

и я хочу сказать кое-что очень важное!

00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,960

Судебные иски вредят нашему обществу!

00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,950

Я понимаю, всем хочется заработать денег,

00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,680

но помните, эти деньги

откуда-то отнимаются!

00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,080

И в результате иногда

страдают невинные люди!

00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:19,394

Так что, не позволяйте судебным искам

по делам сексуальных домогательств...

00:21:19,429 --> 00:21:20,717

разрушать наши школы!

00:21:20,752 --> 00:21:22,560

Пока!

00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:25,826

Субтитры: NiFiGaSeBe!

00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,472

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,141

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,684

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:18,144

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:20,271

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,731

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,357

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,817

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,652

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:31,574

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,117

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,830

Okay, children,

let's take our seats.

00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,249

We have something

very important to discuss.

00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,710

Due to recent events

around the country

00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,628

I have been instructed

to teach you all about

00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:46,839

sexual harassment

in school.

00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,591

About what?

00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,927

Now, does anybody know

what "sexual harassment" means?

00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,596

Yes, Eric?

00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,347

When you're trying to have

intercourse with a lady friend,

00:00:55,473 --> 00:01:00,061

and some other guy comes up and

tickles your balls from behind.

00:01:00,186 --> 00:01:01,729

No Eric, that's not

what I'm talking about!

00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:04,440

The school board

has sent over a special guest

00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,443

to teach us all about

sexual harassment in schools.

00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,946

Please welcome Peetie,

the Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:14,784

♪ Who lives in the East

'neath a willer tree ♪

00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,661

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪

00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:20,372

♪ Who explains sexual harassment

to you and me? ♪

00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:23,292

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪

00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,337

♪ Don't say that

don't touch there ♪

00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:29,548

♪ Don't be nasty

says that silly bear ♪

00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:32,093

♪ He's gonna tell you

what's right and wrong! ♪

00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:35,679

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪

00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:37,389

Hi, boys and girls!

00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:40,684

Say hi to

Sexual Harassment Panda!!

00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:43,437

Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,190

Did you know that

when one little panda

00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:49,360

pulls on another

little panda's underwear...

00:01:49,485 --> 00:01:51,529

that's sexual harassment?

00:01:51,654 --> 00:01:55,449

That makes me

a saaaaad panda.

00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,827

This is freaking

me out, dude.

00:01:57,952 --> 00:02:00,871

And when one little panda

puts his furry little willy

00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,498

in another

panda's ear...

00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:06,377

that makes me

a very sad panda.

00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,796

Now, I'm going to

pass out these booklets,

00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,422

and we're going to

go through

00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:13,634

each and every

sexual harassment law.

00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:14,802

Aww!

00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:20,432

Article Thirty Six:

Section Nineteen.

00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:23,352

"One panda may not

make sexual comments

00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,271

"about another

panda's appearance.

00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,772

"if said panda--"

00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,440

Aw, dude, get me

out of here.

00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,734

I think Sexual

Harassment Panda

is cool.

00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,194

You would think that,

you little ass-sucker.

00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,070

What did you call me?

00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,196

An ass-sucker.

00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:35,281

It means you suck ass.

00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:36,031

You see an ass,

and you suck it.

00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:36,740

You're an ass-sucker.

00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:37,992

That does it!

00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:38,951

I am suing you for

sexual harassment!

00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,369

Uh-oh!

00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,829

What?

00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,455

You have sexually harassed me

for the last time!

00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,207

It says right here,

that now I can sue you

00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,375

and take all

of your money!

00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,710

That's right, he can.

00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,295

No you can't,

you little ass-sucker.

00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:50,629

Ooh!

He did it again!

00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:51,881

You all heard him!

00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,549

"The first party

of the first panda

00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,343

"may sue the

second party panda

00:02:56,468 --> 00:03:01,015

unless that panda was said panda

aforementioned panda."

00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:06,145

This is Cartman vs. Marsh,

case number 3-4-3-3.

00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,521

What is your

complaint, Mr. Cartman?

00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,981

Your Honor, my lawyer

is just parking the car.

00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,357

He should be here

any second.

00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,233

Dude, he got a lawyer!?

00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,359

Sorry I'm late.

00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,194

Dad?!

00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,904

Oh, hi Kyle.

00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:15,487

Alright, let's

move this along, shall we?

00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,323

Now, Eric Cartman,

00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,533

you claim that Stan Marsh has

sexually harassed you in school.

00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,826

That is correct,

my Honor.

00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,328

Oh, whatever.

00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,538

He said talked about having

oral sex with my ass.

00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,081

I called you

an ass-sucker!!

00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,124

Yes, that was it.

00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,542

I was so upset...

00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,377

I couldn't concentrate

the rest of the day.

00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,171

And the way his eyes

kept looking at me.

00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,923

Slowly going

up and down

my body.

00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,591

Like he was undressing me

with his eyes.

00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,134

What?!

00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:37,968

Cartman, you call people

names all the time!

00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,178

As you can see,

your Honor,

00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,763

my client is

too upset to continue.

00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,264

Mr. Marsh, what do you

have to say?

00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,682

What do you mean?

00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,475

I need to hear

your defense.

00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,311

Uh... I'm eight?

00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,563

Alright, this seems

pretty open and shut.

00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,982

Stan Marsh under the new sexual

harassment in schools law,

00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,317

I am forced to

find you guilty.

00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,443

Huh!?

00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,027

Alright, we did it!

00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,904

Hooray!

00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,406

Since the defendant is under age

and has no monetary resources,

00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,866

it is the judgement

of this court,

00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,368

that 50 percent of

Stan Marsh's belongings

00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:04,411

are to be handed over to

Eric Cartman immediately.

00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,788

I have to give him

half my stuff?!

00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:06,997

Sweet.

00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,418

Let's see... I want

that Climb Criminy game...

00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,420

And that Power Jim doll...

00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,673

And, let's see...

00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:17,633

Do you really like this

remote controlled truck?

00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,801

Yeah, dude, that's

my favorite toy.

00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,427

Oh, well I'll just

take that then...

00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,721

And what about this?

00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,223

Is this one of

your favorites?

00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,141

Uh, no,

I hate that toy!

00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,811

Oh, then you don't mind

if I take it.

00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895

Dammit!

00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,397

Here you go,

as your legal fee,

00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:32,815

you can choose between

the green choo-choo

00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,233

or the squishy football.

00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,652

Hmmm...

00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,696

Y'know, Eric,

I've been thinking...

00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:40,281

Uh-huh, that

model airplane kit...

00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:41,949

Go on.

00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,450

You know, the people

really responsible

00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,119

for your harassment

is the public schools.

00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:46,495

Perhaps we should

sue them next.

00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,414

Why should I

sue the schools?

00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:51,125

Well, because they're the ones

that let this harassment go on,

00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,918

and they have

a lot more money.

00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,628

I think we could get

a lot more out of this

00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,171

than half of

Stan's belongings.

00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,673

Interesting...

00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,300

Ooh, Stan's

asthma inhaler!

00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:00,509

I want that!

00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,594

Answer the question.

00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,096

Did you know that

sexual harassment

00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,472

was going on

in the classroom?

00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,266

No, I had no

friggin' idea.

00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:10,102

Mr. Garrison, do you

know the definition

of sexual harassment?

00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,937

Of course,

and so does Mr. Hat!

00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,481

We do not tolerate

sexual harassment!

00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,817

You are the witness here,

Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.

00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,110

I'm sorry, toots.

00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,528

Did you

or did you not

00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,238

hear my client

being called an ass-sucker?

00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,072

Yes.

00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,324

And you

did nothing?

00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:24,616

He is a

little ass-sucker.

00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,996

Mr. Garrison, I will remind you

that we are in court!

00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,081

Okay, baby,

I'm sorry.

00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,294

Principal Victoria, were you

aware that my client was being

harassed at your school?

00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,546

Well, not any more

than any other student.

00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,381

Oh, so you admit

that harassment

goes on?!

00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,424

I don't know!

00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:41,592

You don't know?!

00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:42,676

You're the

principal!!

00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,261

I can't be around

every second!

00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,346

So it does go on!

00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:47,139

Alright, alright

I killed him!

00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,600

I hit him over the head

and I cut up the body!

00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:51,602

I tried to burn it

but it wouldn't burn!

00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:53,145

Oh, the smell of it!

00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,855

I put the legs

in garbage bags

00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,482

and hid the torso

under a bridge.

00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:57,983

I had to do it!

00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,902

Aaaggh!!

00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,321

Oh God!

00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,323

Principal Victoria, was Eric

Cartman called an ass-sucker?

00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,908

Yes or no?

00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,451

I believe so, yes.

00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,790

Last, I'd like to

bring up my expert witness,

00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:15,167

Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,961

♪ Who lives in the east

'neath a willer tree? ♪

00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,672

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪

00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,716

Expert witness,

did South Park Elementary

00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,718

allow sexual harassment

to go on?

00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,638

Well, when one little panda

asks another little panda

00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,974

to perform oral sex...

that is sexual harassment.

00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,017

And who is to blame?

00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,852

I'm afraid the law states

00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,021

that the school

must be held responsible.

00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,356

There you have it!

00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,482

Straight from

the horse's mouth!

00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,316

Panda.

00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,485

P-Panda's mouth.

00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,320

After careful review, it is

the judgement of this court

00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,781

that South Park Elementary pays

Eric Theodore Cartman

00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,117

1.3 million dollars

in damages.

00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,618

Alright!

We did it, Eric!

00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,038

♪ Get down,

get down and party... ♪

00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,085

That goes in

the master bedroom!

00:06:58,210 --> 00:07:00,045

Well Kyle, what do you

think of your new house?

00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,630

It's... big.

00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:02,965

Yes, it is big,

isn't it.

00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,008

It is very... big.

00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:07,094

Dad, if the school

has to pay you and Cartman

1.3 million dollars,

00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:08,387

where does that

money come from?

00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,597

Well, Kyle, schools

have lots of money.

00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,307

You see, we all pay taxes,

00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,351

and part of that tax money

goes to public schools.

00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:18,147

And it's from that money

that we got our 1.3 million.

00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,941

And you don't see

a problem with that?

00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,402

No, it's a very fragile system

that nature has designed.

00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,070

All things flow

into each other.

00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,114

You're trying to

confuse me now, aren't you?

00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:28,532

Sort of, yeah.

00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:33,370

Okay, children, there's

a few changes being made

here at school,

00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,038

but lessons will

go on as normal.

00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:36,707

Any questions?

00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:39,501

Yes, Stan?

00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,461

Where's our desks?

00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,671

Right, desks...

00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,173

Well, a lot of cuts

had to be made

00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,467

since the school's

funding is short for lawsuits.

00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:47,885

You see, Cartman?!

00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,052

You see what

this has done?!

00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,679

All I know is I got

this sweet digital watch,

00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,055

and these cool shoes...

00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,183

I'm telling you guys,

suing people kicks ass.

00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,601

Wow, I wanna

sue somebody!

00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:56,852

Me too, I wanna

get a lawyer!

00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,437

Yeah!

00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,230

Well, let's just try to

cope with the changes

00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,356

and do our school work.

00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:02,858

Now, I'm going to

write a sentence

00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,486

and I want you to

tell me the noun...

00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,906

Agahaghhh!!

00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,949

I know, I know.

I'm sorry, children

00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,826

but we can't

afford chalk anymore.

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,287

I have to write on the

chalkboard with this rusty nail.

00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:19,208

Anyway, children, in the

sentence "the ball is red"

00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,125

Aaaghhhh!!

00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,129

Kids?

00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,797

Are you tired of

being harassed at school?

00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,299

Sick of being

called a "homo"?

00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,467

A "farty pants"?

00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,801

A "butt...

00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,178

...face"?

00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,055

Then call me, Kyle's dad,

and I'll help you

00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,517

close the lid on sexual

harassment in school!

00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:38,519

After a boy in my class tried to

put his tongue in my mouth,

00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,229

I knew I needed

legal help...

00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:43,357

Kyle's dad helped me get

a 1.6 million dollar settlement

00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,234

and this bright, new,

shiny bicycle!

00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,735

Thank you, Kyle's dad!

00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:52,699

Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million

and he can do it for you, too!

00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,576

Just look at

all these beautiful girls!

00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,328

So call me, Kyle's dad!

00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:59,206

Because it's not

about money, it's about--

00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,416

wait, what am

I saying, call me!

00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,709

♪ Kids picking on you ♪

00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:03,752

♪ Well, don't be sad ♪

00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,003

♪ Just sue their asses ♪

00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,338

♪ With Kyle's dad ♪

00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,217

Alright, what other cuts

do we have to make

00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:11,468

to the school budget?

00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,095

Uh, next we have Tom Morris,

00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,472

he plays sexual harassment

panda at the schools.

00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,765

Oh, right.

00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,767

We certainly can't

afford him anymore.

00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,728

I warn you, Mr. Evans,

Tom Morris takes his job

a little seriously.

00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:25,232

Hello sexual harassment cubs!

00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,151

♪ Who lives in the east

'neath a willer tree? ♪

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,779

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪

00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,573

Uh, have a seat,

Mr. Morris.

00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,699

Who?

00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:36,201

Uh...

Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,953

Oh, alright!

00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,290

Mr. Morris, we at

the school board

have been thinking,

00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:44,459

And we've decided that

perhaps a panda

00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:49,506

isn't the best way to explain

sexual harassment to children.

00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:54,177

You see, Mr. Morris,

we believe that a panda

00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:58,473

doesn't really have anything

to do with sexual harassment...

00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,183

at all.

00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:03,186

I'm afraid we're just

going to have to let you go.

00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:07,399

I'm a saaaaaaad panda.

00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,652

Eric Cartman, it is the

judgement of this court

00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,779

that you sexually harassed

Pip Phillip at school.

00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:13,947

No way!

00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,282

I won!

00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,825

This is ridiculous!

00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,869

You asked Pip to suck your...

You know what.

00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,579

You must give Pip

half your stuff.

00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,998

And the school must give Pip

1.6 million dollars.

00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:23,832

Oh dear God!

00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:24,916

Wow, I'm good!

00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,168

Next!

00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,086

This girl

touched my thigh.

00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:29,212

Half her belongings,

00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,672

school is sued

for 2.1 million.

00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,590

We're ruined!

00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:32,799

Next!

00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,676

Uh, your honor,

this young man

00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,095

commented on the

shape of my ass.

00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:37,971

Agh!

00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,056

Half his stuff.

00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:39,765

Two million

from the school.

00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,266

Ahh!

00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,269

Okay, children,

let's all take our seats...

00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,480

We have a lot to

learn today.

00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:51,193

Okay... uh, Clyde,

00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,779

Can you tell me when

Ulysses S. Grant was president?

00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:55,405

Um...

- Don't answer that!

00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,949

Uh, Craig how about you?

00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,826

Uh-huh... okay...

00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,578

I refuse to answer

on the grounds that

00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,163

it may incinerate me.

00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:03,997

Incriminate.

00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,540

Incriminate.

00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:06,917

Okay, children,

I'm having a real problem

00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,627

with you all

having lawyers.

00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,754

It is really

disrupting class time.

00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:15,258

Uh-huh...ri--oh, oh.

I see. Oh, okay. Right.

00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,094

Kids, what I

meant to say is that

00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,929

I fully condone you

all having lawyers

00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:21,223

and support your legal recourses

in every way.

00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,767

Now, let's get back

to Ulysses S. Grant,

00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,310

if that's okay with you.

00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:26,895

Let's trade sandwiches.

00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,605

Hello there, children!

00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,564

Hey, Chef.

00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:30,065

How's it going?

00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,400

Bad.

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,776

Well they're

about to get worse.

00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,236

All I can serve you for lunch

is lumpy potatoes.

00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,987

Lumpy potatoes?!

00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,698

Oh no!

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:40,242

Sorry, children,

all my funding's been cut.

00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,451

Oh my God!

00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,161

You guys have to

do something!

00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,330

Chef, how can we stop all these

sexual ass-ment lawsuits?

00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,581

I don't know,

children.

00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:47,541

Why don't you

ask your dad?

00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:48,750

He's a lawyer, ain't he?

00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,210

I've tried

talking to him,

00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,420

but he doesn't want

the lawsuits to stop.

00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:52,838

He's making

too much money.

00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:54,131

Well, somebody else

has got to know all about

00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:55,590

this sexual harassment

whosafudge!

00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,175

Hey what about

that stupid panda?!

00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,844

Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:11:58,969 --> 00:11:59,803

He's the one that

started all this!

00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:00,762

We have to find him!

00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,305

Well, I hope you do.

00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:04,808

Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes

from here on out.

00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,518

Noooo!

00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,520

That's thirty-two more

sexual harassment lawsuits

00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,688

in the past

twenty-four hours.

00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:10,772

Oh my God!

00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,149

Looks like we'll

have to cut

00:12:12,274 --> 00:12:13,734

all counseling and

nutrition programs.

00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,235

The children have

started suing adults.

00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,445

They could sue

us next!

00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,029

Holy smokes,

you're right!

00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,322

Excuse me, we'd

like to speak with

00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:20,657

Sexual Harassment Panda, please.

00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:21,616

Agh!

00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:22,993

Please, don't sue us!

00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,327

Huh?

00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,203

We'll give you

anything you want!

00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,496

We want Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,332

Oh no, uh...

we had to let him go.

00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,584

What?!

00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:31,585

Uh, I mean,

he left.

00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,627

Well, where is he?

00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,171

We don't know, honestly!

00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,505

I swear it,

please! Let us go!

00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,007

What the hell is wrong

with these people?!

00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,342

Well, your credentials

are very impressive,

00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:41,511

and you do seem to have

a lot of ambition...

00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,555

But I'm afraid

there's no room for you

00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,848

at our company

at this time.

00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:49,519

It's because

I'm a panda, isn't it?

00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:52,689

Well, i-it is because

you're a panda, eh--

00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,316

It's because you're a

"Sexual Harassment Panda".

00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026

I can't help what I am.

00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:57,861

Have you ever heard

of a retreat called

00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,696

the "Island of Misfit Mascots"?

00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:03,492

Well, yes...

but that place is for loser mascots

00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,410

that make no sense.

00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,205

Well, yes, they may be

just what you're looking for.

00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,248

I don't have to sit here

and listen to this!

00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:14,002

How would you like a big panda punch

in your puss?!

00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,963

As sexual harassment lawsuits

increase all over the state,

00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,841

the mother of all trials

is set to begin.

00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:23,970

The sexual harassment case of

Everyone vs. Everyone

begins tomorrow.

00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,264

No matter what the outcome,

00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,392

the public schools are sure to lose at least

a whopping 30 million dollars.

00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,144

Representing the

side of Everyone,

00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,022

is Gerald Broflofski,

the lawyer from South Park

00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,024

who plans to make

quite a commission.

00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,443

Representing the side of

Everyone Else is...

00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,694

Gerald Broflofski!

00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,321

So whatever the outcome,

00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,949

things look very bright

for Kyle's dad.

00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,909

Personally, I think Kyle's dad

is just a whore,

00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,828

taking advantage of

everyone in town and--

00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,914

this just in:

newscaster Kevin McCarty

00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,083

is being sued by

Kyle's dad for slander!

00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,335

The newscaster has

yet to be reached for comment!

00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:56,711

Wait--

00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,508

♪ Some days

just seem lonely ♪

00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:06,763

♪ Still there don't seem

to be no end in sight... ♪♪

00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,306

Another scotch?

00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,855

Hey... Panda Bear!

00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,025

We don't take kindly

to your types in here.

00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,944

Now, calm down, Skeeter,

he ain't hurtin' nobody.

00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,612

No!

00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:26,533

I wanna know something

from Mr. Panda Bear here.

00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:31,496

If you pandas are from

mountainous areas of China

and Tibet,

00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,582

how come you eat bamboo

00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:38,211

which is prone to grow only

in drier, more arid regions?

00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,797

Skeeter, I don't

want no trouble, now!

00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,841

It's okay.

I get it.

00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:46,011

There's no room

in the world for pandas.

00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:48,305

Well, you don't

have to worry about me,

00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:52,309

I'm off to the

"Island of Misfit Mascots".

00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,272

Dammit, Skeeter, how come every

time a panda bear come in here

00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,691

you gotta go

flappin' your jaw!

00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,819

Well, what do you

think, Kyle?

00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,071

Dad, don't you think our

last new house was big enough?

00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,907

Well... this one is bigger!

00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825

Tomorrow's trial,

Everyone vs. Everyone,

00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:09,993

is going to make

things a lot worse.

00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,244

We have to stop it.

00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:12,913

Kyle, let me explain

something to you.

00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,581

Oh God, here we go.

00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,666

You see, Kyle, we live in a

liberal, democratic society.

00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:19,002

And democrats make

sexual harassment laws.

00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:21,880

These laws tell us what we can

and can't say in the workplace.

00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,840

And what we can and can't do

in the workplace.

00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,258

Isn't that fascism?

00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,843

No, because we don't

call it fascism.

00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,929

Do you understand?

00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,805

Do you?

00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,515

Just look at how big

this house is, Kyle.

00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:33,975

Just look at it.

00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,101

Excuse me.

00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,519

Yeah, what can I

do for you?

00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,896

Somebody told us they saw

a big panda bear in here.

00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,190

Big panda bear,

Big panda bear...

00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:42,817

Hey,

eight-year-olds!

00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,695

We don't take kindly

to your types in here.

00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,156

Now calm down, Skeeter,

they ain't hurtin' nobody.

00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,867

No, I wanna know

something from

00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,370

Mr. "I'm Eight Years Old" here,

00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,206

how come you "types"

are always wearin'

00:15:56,331 --> 00:16:00,585

them funny padded shirts

in the winter?

00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,921

Coats?

00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,506

Now, Skeeter,

I don't want no trouble.

00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,050

We don't take kindly

to your types 'round here!

00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,259

Dude, what the hell

is going on?

00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,762

Did you guys see a

big panda bear in here or not?

00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,098

We don't take kindly

to panda bears!

00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,683

Well we don't take

kindly to you!

00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,393

We don't take

kindly to folks

00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,145

that don't take

kindly 'round here.

00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,482

Kids, there was

a panda bear in here.

00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,859

He said something about

"The Island of Misfit Mascots".

00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,528

Where's that?

00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,655

If I'm not mistaken, it's over

near the Jenkin's place.

00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,490

Come on, we better hurry!

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,950

Whoa, look at her!

00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,828

Hey, beautiful woman!

00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,832

We don't take kindly

to your types 'round here.

00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:41,001

Now, Skeeter,

she ain't hurtin' nobody!

00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:47,507

This is case number 47-G,

Everyone vs. Everyone.

00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:52,637

Representing the side of

everyone is Gerald Broflofski.

00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:53,930

Thank you,

your Honor.

00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,140

Ladies and Gentlemen

of the jury...

00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,100

Everyone has

committed a crime here,

00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,477

and everyone must

pay for that crime.

00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,855

My client, Everyone,

has been hurt by this crime

00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,898

and must be compensated.

00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,735

"Island of Misfit Mascots

Commune."

00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:07,986

This must be the place.

00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,320

Hello there, boys.

00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:11,031

Whoa, who are you?

00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,867

I'm Willy the Don't Stare

Directly Into the Sun Worm.

00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:17,120

Now you boys know not to stare

directly into the sun, right?

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,663

Yes.

00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:21,624

That can burn your retinas

and make you blind.

00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:23,460

Thanks a lot, dude.

00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,836

Oink, oink!

00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,254

Be sure you run around

with scissors,

00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,049

says Oinky, the Run Around

With Scissors Pig!

00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:31,468

I thought you weren't supposed

to run around with scissors.

00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,928

That's why he's on

the Island of Misfit Mascots.

00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:34,929

Have you seen

any panda bears?

00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,723

Hmmm...

00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:40,268

Hey kids, I'm Jimmy the

Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet

00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,729

While Someone Else

Uses a Fan Nearby, Falcon.

00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:43,813

What?

00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,690

Here, watch!

00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,947

Mprhhh, ahhhhhh!

00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,283

See?!

00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,076

Oh my God,

they killed Kenny!

00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,160

You bastard!

00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,787

Hey, there he is!

00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:01,331

♪ Who lives in the east

'neath a willer tree? ♪

00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:04,042

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪

00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,585

Dude, are we

glad to find you!

00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:06,294

You have to come back

to South Park, quick!

00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,962

Why?

00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,339

Because everyone

is suing everyone else

00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,215

and you're pretty

much the cause of it all.

00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,801

Seems all I do now

is cause trouble.

00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,969

Hello kids, I'm Hoppy

00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:18,723

the Don't Do Stuff That Might

Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger.

00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,063

Well.

I'll leave now.

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,315

Please, Sexual Harassment Panda,

people listen to you.

00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,775

You have to get them

to stop suing each other.

00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,735

But I'm just a panda.

00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,070

No you're not, dude!

00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,030

You're a guy in

a panda costume!

00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:38,660

Hey, I am a

real worm, pal!

00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,745

Okay. Sorry, sorry.

00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:41,830

Y-You're a real worm.

00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:42,872

T-That's cool,

that's cool.

00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,040

Okay, you are a panda.

00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,333

But being

Sexual Harassment Panda

00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,626

isn't helping

anyone right now.

00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,044

You used to use your

panda powers

00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,170

to teach people about

sexual harassment.

00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,755

But now you need to

teach a new message,

00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,590

a new message that people

will find useful again.

00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,634

What message?

00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,469

That people shouldn't sue each

other all the time.

00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:00,306

You know, you little cubs

might just be right.

00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:01,349

Yeah.

00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,600

Okay!

00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:06,354

Your Honor, I'd like to

make my closing arguments--

00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,480

Wait!

00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,357

Hey, it's

Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:13,153

No, he's a whole new panda now,

and he's got something to say...

00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:17,657

Hello everyone, I'm Peetie the

Don't Sue People Panda.

00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:18,908

"Don't Sue People Panda"?

00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,244

Hey, we don't

take kindly

00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:24,205

to folks that don't

sue people 'round here.

00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,374

Now, Skeeter,

he ain't hurtin' nobody.

00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,876

Listen to me.

00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,211

When you sue somebody

it hurts everyone.

00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,754

You sue for money,

00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,965

but where do you think

that money comes from?

00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:38,928

From the schools, from taxes,

from the state... from you.

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,849

There's no such thing

as free money.

00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:46,394

When you sue somebody,

you take money away from parks,

00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,022

and schools and charities and

put it in your own pockets.

00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:53,193

And that makes me

a saaaad panda.

00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,574

I'm a sad panda, too.

00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,409

I'm a really sad panda.

00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,703

I didn't know we were

doing all that damage.

00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,538

This is all that

damn lawyer's fault!

00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:08,082

Yeah, let's sue

the lawyer!

00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,167

Yeah!

00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:10,835

No!

Don't you see?

00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,212

The panda is right!

00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,714

Boy, what a great

message he has.

00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,966

When you sue people,

you just end up causing

00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,885

a lot of problems

for society!

00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,179

I've really learned

something today.

00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,473

All I could see was the millions

of dollars coming to me,

00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,850

and I didn't care about

where the money came from.

00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:29,145

Well, I'm no longer doing

sexual harassment lawsuits

in schools.

00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,231

They're too vague and

too easily corruptible.

00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,815

Thank you,

Sexual Harassment Panda!

00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,234

Don't Sue

People Panda.

00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,735

Yeah, well, whatever.

00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,695

So, let's not

sue anyone again.

00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,863

Okay, come on guys,

00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,198

let's go get

some ice cream!

00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,616

Hooray!

00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,452

Pandas love ice cream!

00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,954

Well, seeing as

we have no lawyers.

00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,247

I'm throwing the case out.

00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:48,331

Case dismissed!

00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,166

Hey!

00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:53,086

We don't take kindly to cases

being dismissed 'round here.

00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:54,587

Goddamnit Skeeter,

shut the hell up.

00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:58,007

Hello, cubs!

00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,884

I'm

"Don't Sue People Panda"

00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,303

with an important message

for you!

00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,639

Lawsuits damage

our society.

00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,683

I know it's tempting

to make money,

00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:10,520

but just remember, that money

has to come from somewhere.

00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:13,982

And usually it ends up hurting

a lot of innocent people!

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733

So until next time,

00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:18,861

don't let frivolous

sexual harassment lawsuits

00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,488

ruin our schools!

00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,532

Goodbye now!

00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,472

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,141

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,684

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:18,144

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:20,271

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,731

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,357

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,817

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,652

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:30,031

♪ [Mumbling] ♪

00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:31,574

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,117

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,830

Okay, children,

let's take our seats.

00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,249

We have something

very important to discuss.

00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,710

Due to recent events

around the country

00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,628

I have been instructed

to teach you all about

00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:46,839

sexual harassment

in school.

00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,591

About what?

00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,927

Now, does anybody know

what "sexual harassment" means?

00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,596

Yes, Eric?

00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,347

When you're trying to have

intercourse with a lady friend,

00:00:55,473 --> 00:01:00,061

and some other guy comes up and

tickles your balls from behind.

00:01:00,186 --> 00:01:01,729

No Eric, that's not

what I'm talking about!

00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:04,440

The school board

has sent over a special guest

00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,443

to teach us all about

sexual harassment in schools.

00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,946

Please welcome Peetie,

the Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:14,784

♪ Who lives in the East

'neath a willer tree ♪

00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,661

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪

00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:20,372

♪ Who explains sexual harassment

to you and me? ♪

00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:23,292

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪

00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,337

♪ Don't say that

don't touch there ♪

00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:29,548

♪ Don't be nasty

says that silly bear ♪

00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:32,093

♪ He's gonna tell you

what's right and wrong! ♪

00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:35,679

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪

00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:37,389

Hi, boys and girls!

00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:40,684

Say hi to

Sexual Harassment Panda!!

00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:43,437

[all]

Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,190

Did you know that

when one little panda

00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:49,360

pulls on another

little panda's underwear...

00:01:49,485 --> 00:01:51,529

that's sexual harassment?

00:01:51,654 --> 00:01:55,449

That makes me

a saaaaad panda.

00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,827

This is freaking

me out, dude.

00:01:57,952 --> 00:02:00,871

And when one little panda

puts his furry little willy

00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,498

in another

panda's ear...

00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:06,377

that makes me

a very sad panda.

00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,796

Now, I'm going to

pass out these booklets,

00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,422

and we're going to

go through

00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:13,634

each and every

sexual harassment law.

00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:14,802

[all]

Aww!

00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:20,432

Article Thirty Six:

Section Nineteen.

00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:23,352

"One panda may not

make sexual comments

00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,271

"about another

panda's appearance.

00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,772

"if said panda--"

00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,440

Aw, dude, get me

out of here.

00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,734

I think Sexual

Harassment Panda

is cool.

00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,194

You would think that,

you little ass-sucker.

00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,070

What did you call me?

00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,196

An ass-sucker.

00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:35,281

It means you suck ass.

00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:36,031

You see an ass,

and you suck it.

00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:36,740

You're an ass-sucker.

00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:37,992

That does it!

00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:38,951

I am suing you for

sexual harassment!

00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,369

Uh-oh!

00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,829

What?

00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,455

You have sexually harassed me

for the last time!

00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,207

It says right here,

that now I can sue you

00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,375

and take all

of your money!

00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,710

That's right, he can.

00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,295

No you can't,

you little ass-sucker.

00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:50,629

Ooh!

He did it again!

00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:51,881

You all heard him!

00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,549

"The first party

of the first panda

00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,343

"may sue the

second party panda

00:02:56,468 --> 00:03:01,015

unless that panda was said panda

aforementioned panda."

00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:06,145

This is Cartman vs. Marsh,

case number 3-4-3-3.

00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,521

What is your

complaint, Mr. Cartman?

00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,981

Your Honor, my lawyer

is just parking the car.

00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,357

He should be here

any second.

00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,233

Dude, he got a lawyer!?

00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,359

Sorry I'm late.

00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,194

Dad?!

00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,904

Oh, hi Kyle.

00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:15,487

Alright, let's

move this along, shall we?

00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,323

Now, Eric Cartman,

00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,533

you claim that Stan Marsh has

sexually harassed you in school.

00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,826

That is correct,

my Honor.

00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,328

Oh, whatever.

00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,538

He said talked about having

oral sex with my ass.

00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,081

I called you

an ass-sucker!!

00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,124

Yes, that was it.

00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,542

I was so upset...

00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,377

I couldn't concentrate

the rest of the day.

00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,171

And the way his eyes

kept looking at me.

00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,923

Slowly going

up and down

my body.

00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,591

Like he was undressing me

with his eyes.

00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,134

What?!

00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:37,968

Cartman, you call people

names all the time!

00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,178

As you can see,

your Honor,

00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,763

my client is

too upset to continue.

00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,264

Mr. Marsh, what do you

have to say?

00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,682

What do you mean?

00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,475

I need to hear

your defense.

00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,311

Uh... I'm eight?

00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,563

Alright, this seems

pretty open and shut.

00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,982

Stan Marsh under the new sexual

harassment in schools law,

00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,317

I am forced to

find you guilty.

00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,443

Huh!?

00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,027

Alright, we did it!

00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,904

Hooray!

00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,406

Since the defendant is under age

and has no monetary resources,

00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,866

it is the judgement

of this court,

00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,368

that 50 percent of

Stan Marsh's belongings

00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:04,411

are to be handed over to

Eric Cartman immediately.

00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,788

I have to give him

half my stuff?!

00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:06,997

Sweet.

00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,418

Let's see... I want

that Climb Criminy game...

00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,420

And that Power Jim doll...

00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,673

And, let's see...

00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:17,633

Do you really like this

remote controlled truck?

00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,801

Yeah, dude, that's

my favorite toy.

00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,427

Oh, well I'll just

take that then...

00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,721

And what about this?

00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,223

Is this one of

your favorites?

00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,141

Uh, no,

I hate that toy!

00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,811

Oh, then you don't mind

if I take it.

00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895

Dammit!

00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,397

Here you go,

as your legal fee,

00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:32,815

you can choose between

the green choo-choo

00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,233

or the squishy football.

00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,652

Hmmm...

00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,696

Y'know, Eric,

I've been thinking...

00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:40,281

Uh-huh, that

model airplane kit...

00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:41,949

Go on.

00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,450

You know, the people

really responsible

00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,119

for your harassment

is the public schools.

00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:46,495

Perhaps we should

sue them next.

00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,414

Why should I

sue the schools?

00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:51,125

Well, because they're the ones

that let this harassment go on,

00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,918

and they have

a lot more money.

00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,628

I think we could get

a lot more out of this

00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,171

than half of

Stan's belongings.

00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,673

Interesting...

00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,300

Ooh, Stan's

asthma inhaler!

00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:00,509

I want that!

00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,594

Answer the question.

00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,096

Did you know that

sexual harassment

00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,472

was going on

in the classroom?

00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,266

No, I had no

friggin' idea.

00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:10,102

Mr. Garrison, do you

know the definition

of sexual harassment?

00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,937

Of course,

and so does Mr. Hat!

00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,481

We do not tolerate

sexual harassment!

00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,817

You are the witness here,

Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.

00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,110

I'm sorry, toots.

00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,528

Did you

or did you not

00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,238

hear my client

being called an ass-sucker?

00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,072

Yes.

00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,324

And you

did nothing?

00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:24,616

He is a

little ass-sucker.

00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,285

[all laughing]

00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,996

Mr. Garrison, I will remind you

that we are in court!

00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,081

Okay, baby,

I'm sorry.

00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,294

Principal Victoria, were you

aware that my client was being

harassed at your school?

00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,546

Well, not any more

than any other student.

00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,381

Oh, so you admit

that harassment

goes on?!

00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,424

I don't know!

00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:41,592

You don't know?!

00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:42,676

You're the

principal!!

00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,261

I can't be around

every second!

00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,346

So it does go on!

00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:47,139

Alright, alright

I killed him!

00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,600

I hit him over the head

and I cut up the body!

00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:51,602

I tried to burn it

but it wouldn't burn!

00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:53,145

Oh, the smell of it!

00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,855

I put the legs

in garbage bags

00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,482

and hid the torso

under a bridge.

00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:57,983

I had to do it!

00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,902

Aaaggh!!

00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,321

Oh God!

00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,323

Principal Victoria, was Eric

Cartman called an ass-sucker?

00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,908

Yes or no?

00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,451

[sniffling]

I believe so, yes.

00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:10,871

[gallery murmuring]

00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,790

Last, I'd like to

bring up my expert witness,

00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:15,167

Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,961

♪ Who lives in the east

'neath a willer tree? ♪

00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,672

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪

00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,716

Expert witness,

did South Park Elementary

00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,718

allow sexual harassment

to go on?

00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,638

Well, when one little panda

asks another little panda

00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,974

to perform oral sex...

that is sexual harassment.

00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,017

And who is to blame?

00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,852

I'm afraid the law states

00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,021

that the school

must be held responsible.

00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,356

There you have it!

00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,482

Straight from

the horse's mouth!

00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,316

Panda.

00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,485

P-Panda's mouth.

00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,320

After careful review, it is

the judgement of this court

00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,781

that South Park Elementary pays

Eric Theodore Cartman

00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,117

1.3 million dollars

in damages.

00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,618

Alright!

We did it, Eric!

00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,038

♪ Get down,

get down and party... ♪

00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,085

That goes in

the master bedroom!

00:06:58,210 --> 00:07:00,045

Well Kyle, what do you

think of your new house?

00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,630

It's... big.

00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:02,965

Yes, it is big,

isn't it.

00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,008

It is very... big.

00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:07,094

Dad, if the school

has to pay you and Cartman

1.3 million dollars,

00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:08,387

where does that

money come from?

00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,597

Well, Kyle, schools

have lots of money.

00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,307

You see, we all pay taxes,

00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,351

and part of that tax money

goes to public schools.

00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:18,147

And it's from that money

that we got our 1.3 million.

00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,941

And you don't see

a problem with that?

00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,402

No, it's a very fragile system

that nature has designed.

00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,070

All things flow

into each other.

00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,114

You're trying to

confuse me now, aren't you?

00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:28,532

Sort of, yeah.

00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,617

[bell rings]

00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:33,370

Okay, children, there's

a few changes being made

here at school,

00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,038

but lessons will

go on as normal.

00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:36,707

Any questions?

00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:39,501

Yes, Stan?

00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,461

Where's our desks?

00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,671

Right, desks...

00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,173

Well, a lot of cuts

had to be made

00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,467

since the school's

funding is short for lawsuits.

00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:47,885

You see, Cartman?!

00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,052

You see what

this has done?!

00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,679

All I know is I got

this sweet digital watch,

00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,055

and these cool shoes...

00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,183

I'm telling you guys,

suing people kicks ass.

00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,601

Wow, I wanna

sue somebody!

00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:56,852

Me too, I wanna

get a lawyer!

00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,437

[all]

Yeah!

00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,230

Well, let's just try to

cope with the changes

00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,356

and do our school work.

00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:02,858

Now, I'm going to

write a sentence

00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,486

and I want you to

tell me the noun...

00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:07,321

[chalk squeaks]

00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,906

[all]

Agahaghhh!!

00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,949

I know, I know.

I'm sorry, children

00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,826

but we can't

afford chalk anymore.

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,287

I have to write on the

chalkboard with this rusty nail.

00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:19,208

Anyway, children, in the

sentence "the ball is red"

00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,125

[all]

Aaaghhhh!!

00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,129

Kids?

00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,797

Are you tired of

being harassed at school?

00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,299

Sick of being

called a "homo"?

00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,467

A "farty pants"?

00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,801

A "butt...

00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,178

...face"?

00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,055

Then call me, Kyle's dad,

and I'll help you

00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,517

close the lid on sexual

harassment in school!

00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:38,519

After a boy in my class tried to

put his tongue in my mouth,

00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,229

I knew I needed

legal help...

00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:43,357

Kyle's dad helped me get

a 1.6 million dollar settlement

00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,234

and this bright, new,

shiny bicycle!

00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,735

Thank you, Kyle's dad!

00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:52,699

Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million

and he can do it for you, too!

00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,576

Just look at

all these beautiful girls!

00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,328

So call me, Kyle's dad!

00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:59,206

Because it's not

about money, it's about--

00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,416

wait, what am

I saying, call me!

00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,709

♪ Kids picking on you ♪

00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:03,752

♪ Well, don't be sad ♪

00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,003

♪ Just sue their asses ♪

00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,338

♪ With Kyle's dad ♪

00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,217

Alright, what other cuts

do we have to make

00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:11,468

to the school budget?

00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,095

Uh, next we have Tom Morris,

00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,472

he plays sexual harassment

panda at the schools.

00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,765

Oh, right.

00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,767

We certainly can't

afford him anymore.

00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,728

I warn you, Mr. Evans,

Tom Morris takes his job

a little seriously.

00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:25,232

Hello sexual harassment cubs!

00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,151

♪ Who lives in the east

'neath a willer tree? ♪

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,779

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪

00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,573

Uh, have a seat,

Mr. Morris.

00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,699

Who?

00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:36,201

Uh...

Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,953

Oh, alright!

00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,290

Mr. Morris, we at

the school board

have been thinking,

00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:44,459

And we've decided that

perhaps a panda

00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:49,506

isn't the best way to explain

sexual harassment to children.

00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:54,177

You see, Mr. Morris,

we believe that a panda

00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:58,473

doesn't really have anything

to do with sexual harassment...

00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,183

at all.

00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:03,186

I'm afraid we're just

going to have to let you go.

00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:07,399

I'm a saaaaaaad panda.

00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,652

Eric Cartman, it is the

judgement of this court

00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,779

that you sexually harassed

Pip Phillip at school.

00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:13,947

No way!

00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,282

I won!

00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,825

This is ridiculous!

00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,869

You asked Pip to suck your...

You know what.

00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,579

You must give Pip

half your stuff.

00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,998

And the school must give Pip

1.6 million dollars.

00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:23,832

Oh dear God!

00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:24,916

Wow, I'm good!

00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,168

Next!

00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,086

This girl

touched my thigh.

00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:29,212

Half her belongings,

00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,672

school is sued

for 2.1 million.

00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,590

We're ruined!

00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:32,799

Next!

00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,676

Uh, your honor,

this young man

00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,095

commented on the

shape of my ass.

00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:37,971

Agh!

00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,056

Half his stuff.

00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:39,765

Two million

from the school.

00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,266

Ahh!

00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,269

Okay, children,

let's all take our seats...

00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,480

We have a lot to

learn today.

00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:51,193

Okay... uh, Clyde,

00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,779

Can you tell me when

Ulysses S. Grant was president?

00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:55,405

Um...

- Don't answer that!

00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,949

Uh, Craig how about you?

00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,826

Uh-huh... okay...

00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,578

I refuse to answer

on the grounds that

00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,163

it may incinerate me.

00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:03,997

Incriminate.

00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,540

Incriminate.

00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:06,917

Okay, children,

I'm having a real problem

00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,627

with you all

having lawyers.

00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,754

It is really

disrupting class time.

00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:15,258

Uh-huh...ri--oh, oh.

I see. Oh, okay. Right.

00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,094

Kids, what I

meant to say is that

00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,929

I fully condone you

all having lawyers

00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:21,223

and support your legal recourses

in every way.

00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,767

Now, let's get back

to Ulysses S. Grant,

00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,310

if that's okay with you.

00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:26,895

Let's trade sandwiches.

00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,605

Hello there, children!

00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,564

[all]

Hey, Chef.

00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:30,065

How's it going?

00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,400

Bad.

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,776

Well they're

about to get worse.

00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,236

All I can serve you for lunch

is lumpy potatoes.

00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,987

Lumpy potatoes?!

00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,698

Oh no!

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:40,242

Sorry, children,

all my funding's been cut.

00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,451

Oh my God!

00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,161

You guys have to

do something!

00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,330

Chef, how can we stop all these

sexual ass-ment lawsuits?

00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,581

I don't know,

children.

00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:47,541

Why don't you

ask your dad?

00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:48,750

He's a lawyer, ain't he?

00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,210

I've tried

talking to him,

00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,420

but he doesn't want

the lawsuits to stop.

00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:52,838

He's making

too much money.

00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:54,131

Well, somebody else

has got to know all about

00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:55,590

this sexual harassment

whosafudge!

00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,175

Hey what about

that stupid panda?!

00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,844

Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:11:58,969 --> 00:11:59,803

He's the one that

started all this!

00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:00,762

We have to find him!

00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,305

Well, I hope you do.

00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:04,808

Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes

from here on out.

00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,518

Noooo!

00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,520

That's thirty-two more

sexual harassment lawsuits

00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,688

in the past

twenty-four hours.

00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:10,772

Oh my God!

00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,149

Looks like we'll

have to cut

00:12:12,274 --> 00:12:13,734

all counseling and

nutrition programs.

00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,235

The children have

started suing adults.

00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,445

They could sue

us next!

00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,029

Holy smokes,

you're right!

00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,322

Excuse me, we'd

like to speak with

00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:20,657

Sexual Harassment Panda, please.

00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:21,616

Agh!

00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:22,993

Please, don't sue us!

00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,327

Huh?

00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,203

We'll give you

anything you want!

00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,496

We want Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,332

Oh no, uh...

we had to let him go.

00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,584

What?!

00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:31,585

Uh, I mean,

he left.

00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,627

Well, where is he?

00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,171

We don't know, honestly!

00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,505

I swear it,

please! Let us go!

00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,007

What the hell is wrong

with these people?!

00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,342

Well, your credentials

are very impressive,

00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:41,511

and you do seem to have

a lot of ambition...

00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,555

But I'm afraid

there's no room for you

00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,848

at our company

at this time.

00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:49,519

It's because

I'm a panda, isn't it?

00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:52,689

Well, i-it is because

you're a panda, eh--

00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,316

It's because you're a

"Sexual Harassment Panda".

00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026

I can't help what I am.

00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:57,861

Have you ever heard

of a retreat called

00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,696

the "Island of Misfit Mascots"?

00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:03,492

Well, yes...

but that place is for loser mascots

00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,410

that make no sense.

00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,205

Well, yes, they may be

just what you're looking for.

00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,248

I don't have to sit here

and listen to this!

00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:14,002

How would you like a big panda punch

in your puss?!

00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,963

As sexual harassment lawsuits

increase all over the state,

00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,841

the mother of all trials

is set to begin.

00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:23,970

The sexual harassment case of

Everyone vs. Everyone

begins tomorrow.

00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,264

No matter what the outcome,

00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,392

the public schools are sure to lose at least

a whopping 30 million dollars.

00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,144

Representing the

side of Everyone,

00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,022

is Gerald Broflofski,

the lawyer from South Park

00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,024

who plans to make

quite a commission.

00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,443

Representing the side of

Everyone Else is...

00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,694

Gerald Broflofski!

00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,321

So whatever the outcome,

00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,949

things look very bright

for Kyle's dad.

00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,909

Personally, I think Kyle's dad

is just a whore,

00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,828

taking advantage of

everyone in town and--

00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,914

this just in:

newscaster Kevin McCarty

00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,083

is being sued by

Kyle's dad for slander!

00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,335

The newscaster has

yet to be reached for comment!

00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:56,711

Wait--

00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,508

♪ Some days

just seem lonely ♪

00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:06,763

♪ Still there don't seem

to be no end in sight... ♪♪

00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,306

Another scotch?

00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,855

Hey... Panda Bear!

00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,025

We don't take kindly

to your types in here.

00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,944

Now, calm down, Skeeter,

he ain't hurtin' nobody.

00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,612

No!

00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:26,533

I wanna know something

from Mr. Panda Bear here.

00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:31,496

If you pandas are from

mountainous areas of China

and Tibet,

00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,582

how come you eat bamboo

00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:38,211

which is prone to grow only

in drier, more arid regions?

00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,797

Skeeter, I don't

want no trouble, now!

00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,841

It's okay.

I get it.

00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:46,011

There's no room

in the world for pandas.

00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:48,305

Well, you don't

have to worry about me,

00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:52,309

I'm off to the

"Island of Misfit Mascots".

00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,272

Dammit, Skeeter, how come every

time a panda bear come in here

00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,691

you gotta go

flappin' your jaw!

00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,819

Well, what do you

think, Kyle?

00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,071

Dad, don't you think our

last new house was big enough?

00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,907

Well... this one is bigger!

00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825

Tomorrow's trial,

Everyone vs. Everyone,

00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:09,993

is going to make

things a lot worse.

00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,244

We have to stop it.

00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:12,913

Kyle, let me explain

something to you.

00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,581

Oh God, here we go.

00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,666

You see, Kyle, we live in a

liberal, democratic society.

00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:19,002

And democrats make

sexual harassment laws.

00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:21,880

These laws tell us what we can

and can't say in the workplace.

00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,840

And what we can and can't do

in the workplace.

00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,258

Isn't that fascism?

00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,843

No, because we don't

call it fascism.

00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,929

Do you understand?

00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,805

Do you?

00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,515

Just look at how big

this house is, Kyle.

00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:33,975

Just look at it.

00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,101

Excuse me.

00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,519

Yeah, what can I

do for you?

00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,896

Somebody told us they saw

a big panda bear in here.

00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,190

Big panda bear,

Big panda bear...

00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:42,817

Hey,

eight-year-olds!

00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,695

We don't take kindly

to your types in here.

00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,156

Now calm down, Skeeter,

they ain't hurtin' nobody.

00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,867

No, I wanna know

something from

00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,370

Mr. "I'm Eight Years Old" here,

00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,206

how come you "types"

are always wearin'

00:15:56,331 --> 00:16:00,585

them funny padded shirts

in the winter?

00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,921

Coats?

00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,506

Now, Skeeter,

I don't want no trouble.

00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,050

We don't take kindly

to your types 'round here!

00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,259

Dude, what the hell

is going on?

00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,762

Did you guys see a

big panda bear in here or not?

00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,098

We don't take kindly

to panda bears!

00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,683

Well we don't take

kindly to you!

00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,393

We don't take

kindly to folks

00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,145

that don't take

kindly 'round here.

00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,482

Kids, there was

a panda bear in here.

00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,859

He said something about

"The Island of Misfit Mascots".

00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,528

Where's that?

00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,655

If I'm not mistaken, it's over

near the Jenkin's place.

00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,490

Come on, we better hurry!

00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,950

Whoa, look at her!

00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,828

Hey, beautiful woman!

00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,832

We don't take kindly

to your types 'round here.

00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:41,001

Now, Skeeter,

she ain't hurtin' nobody!

00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:47,507

This is case number 47-G,

Everyone vs. Everyone.

00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,426

[all yelling]

00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:52,637

Representing the side of

everyone is Gerald Broflofski.

00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:53,930

Thank you,

your Honor.

00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,140

Ladies and Gentlemen

of the jury...

00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,100

Everyone has

committed a crime here,

00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,477

and everyone must

pay for that crime.

00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,855

My client, Everyone,

has been hurt by this crime

00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,898

and must be compensated.

00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,735

"Island of Misfit Mascots

Commune."

00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:07,986

This must be the place.

00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,320

Hello there, boys.

00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:11,031

Whoa, who are you?

00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,867

I'm Willy the Don't Stare

Directly Into the Sun Worm.

00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:17,120

Now you boys know not to stare

directly into the sun, right?

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,663

[all]

Yes.

00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:21,624

That can burn your retinas

and make you blind.

00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:23,460

Thanks a lot, dude.

00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,836

Oink, oink!

00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,254

Be sure you run around

with scissors,

00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,049

says Oinky, the Run Around

With Scissors Pig!

00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:31,468

I thought you weren't supposed

to run around with scissors.

00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,928

That's why he's on

the Island of Misfit Mascots.

00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:34,929

Have you seen

any panda bears?

00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,723

Hmmm...

00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:40,268

Hey kids, I'm Jimmy the

Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet

00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,729

While Someone Else

Uses a Fan Nearby, Falcon.

00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:43,813

What?

00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,690

Here, watch!

00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,947

Mprhhh, ahhhhhh!

00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,283

See?!

00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,076

Oh my God,

they killed Kenny!

00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,160

You bastard!

00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,787

Hey, there he is!

00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:01,331

♪ Who lives in the east

'neath a willer tree? ♪

00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:04,042

♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪

00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,585

Dude, are we

glad to find you!

00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:06,294

You have to come back

to South Park, quick!

00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,962

Why?

00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,339

Because everyone

is suing everyone else

00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,215

and you're pretty

much the cause of it all.

00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,801

Seems all I do now

is cause trouble.

00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,969

Hello kids, I'm Hoppy

00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:18,723

the Don't Do Stuff That Might

Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger.

00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,063

Well.

I'll leave now.

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,315

Please, Sexual Harassment Panda,

people listen to you.

00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,775

You have to get them

to stop suing each other.

00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,735

But I'm just a panda.

00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,070

No you're not, dude!

00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,030

You're a guy in

a panda costume!

00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:38,660

Hey, I am a

real worm, pal!

00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,745

Okay. Sorry, sorry.

00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:41,830

Y-You're a real worm.

00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:42,872

T-That's cool,

that's cool.

00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,040

Okay, you are a panda.

00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,333

But being

Sexual Harassment Panda

00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,626

isn't helping

anyone right now.

00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,044

You used to use your

panda powers

00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,170

to teach people about

sexual harassment.

00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,755

But now you need to

teach a new message,

00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,590

a new message that people

will find useful again.

00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,634

What message?

00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,469

That people shouldn't sue each

other all the time.

00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:00,306

You know, you little cubs

might just be right.

00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:01,349

Yeah.

00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,600

Okay!

00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:06,354

Your Honor, I'd like to

make my closing arguments--

00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,480

Wait!

00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,357

Hey, it's

Sexual Harassment Panda.

00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:13,153

No, he's a whole new panda now,

and he's got something to say...

00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:17,657

Hello everyone, I'm Peetie the

Don't Sue People Panda.

00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:18,908

"Don't Sue People Panda"?

00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,244

Hey, we don't

take kindly

00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:24,205

to folks that don't

sue people 'round here.

00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,374

Now, Skeeter,

he ain't hurtin' nobody.

00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,876

Listen to me.

00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,211

When you sue somebody

it hurts everyone.

00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,754

You sue for money,

00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,965

but where do you think

that money comes from?

00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:38,928

From the schools, from taxes,

from the state... from you.

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,849

There's no such thing

as free money.

00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:46,394

When you sue somebody,

you take money away from parks,

00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,022

and schools and charities and

put it in your own pockets.

00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:53,193

And that makes me

a saaaad panda.

00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,574

I'm a sad panda, too.

00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,409

I'm a really sad panda.

00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,703

I didn't know we were

doing all that damage.

00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,538

This is all that

damn lawyer's fault!

00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:08,082

Yeah, let's sue

the lawyer!

00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,167

[all]

Yeah!

00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:10,835

No!

Don't you see?

00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,212

The panda is right!

00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,714

Boy, what a great

message he has.

00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,966

When you sue people,

you just end up causing

00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,885

a lot of problems

for society!

00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,179

I've really learned

something today.

00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,473

All I could see was the millions

of dollars coming to me,

00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,850

and I didn't care about

where the money came from.

00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:29,145

Well, I'm no longer doing

sexual harassment lawsuits

in schools.

00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,231

They're too vague and

too easily corruptible.

00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,815

Thank you,

Sexual Harassment Panda!

00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,234

Don't Sue

People Panda.

00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,735

Yeah, well, whatever.

00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,695

So, let's not

sue anyone again.

00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,863

Okay, come on guys,

00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,198

let's go get

some ice cream!

00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,616

[all]

Hooray!

00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,452

Pandas love ice cream!

00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,954

Well, seeing as

we have no lawyers.

00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,247

I'm throwing the case out.

00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:48,331

Case dismissed!

00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,166

Hey!

00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:53,086

We don't take kindly to cases

being dismissed 'round here.

00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:54,587

Goddamnit Skeeter,

shut the hell up.

00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:58,007

Hello, cubs!

00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,884

I'm

"Don't Sue People Panda"

00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,303

with an important message

for you!

00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,639

Lawsuits damage

our society.

00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,683

I know it's tempting

to make money,

00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:10,520

but just remember, that money

has to come from somewhere.

00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:13,982

And usually it ends up hurting

a lot of innocent people!

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733

So until next time,

00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:18,861

don't let frivolous

sexual harassment lawsuits

00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,488

ruin our schools!

00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,532

Goodbye now!