Панда сексуальных домогательств — Человек, искренне верящий, что он панда, рассказывает школьникам о сексуальных домогательствах и судебных исках.

Предыдущая серия S03 E05 Твик против Крейга

Следующая серия S03 E07 Кошачья оргия

Панда сексуальных домогательств

Sexual Harassment Panda

Сезон: 03Серия: 06

Описание

Человек, искренне верящий, что он панда, рассказывает школьникам о сексуальных домогательствах и судебных исках.

Субтитры

00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:40,560 Ладно, дети. Садитесь. Нам надо обсудить нечто очень важное.
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,080 Вследствие последних событий в стране
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:47,400 мне было приказано рассказать вам о сексуальном домогательстве в школе.
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:48,776 О чём?
00:00:48,801 --> 00:00:51,560 Кто-нибудь знает, что такое сексуальное домогательство?
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:53,260 Да, Эрик.
00:00:53,295 --> 00:00:55,440 Это, когда ты собираешься заняться сексом со своей подругой,
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,880 а другой мужик сзади подходит и начинает тебе яйца щекотать.
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,000 Нет, Эрик! Я говорю не об этом!
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,858 Школьный комитет прислал особого гостя...
00:01:04,859 --> 00:01:08,159 который сейчас расскажет нам о сексуальном домогательстве в школе.
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,520 Встречайте, это - Пити, Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,760 Кто живёт на Востоке, в мире и тишине?
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,680 Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,860 Кто расскажет о домогательствах тебе и мне?
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,760 Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,640 "Это не говори!" "Не трогай там!"
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,600 "К людям не приставай!" - говорит вам медвежонок.
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,280 Панда расскажет вам, что такое хорошо и что такое плохо.
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,560 Панда Сексуальное Домогательство расскажет вам всё!
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,400 Привет, мальчики и девочки!
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,000 Поздоровайтесь с Пандой Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,160 Привет, Панда!
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:49,640 А вы знаете, что если один панда дёргает другого панду за трусики,
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,960 то это - сексуальное домогательство?
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:58,120 - И тогда я становлюсь грустным пандой. - Господи, какой бред, чувак!
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,600 А когда один маленький панда засовывает свой меховой крантик в ушко другой панде,
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,080 я становлюсь очень грустной пандой.
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,920 Теперь я раздам вам брошюры,
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:13,840 и мы с вами обсудим все положения по сексуальному домогательству.
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,200 5 часов спустя...
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,440 Статья 36, раздел 19.
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:25,840 Панда не должна комментировать внешность другого панды.
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,920 Господи, выпустите меня отсюда!
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:32,540 - А по-моему, клёвый панда! - Да что с тебя взять, жополиз!
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,910 - Как ты меня назвал? - Жополиз. Ты вылизываешь задницу.
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:36,520 Видишь задницу и вылизываешь её! Поэтому так и назвал!
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,300 С меня довольно! Я подам на тебя в суд за сексуальное домогательство!
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,320 Я не позволю себя домогаться!
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,440 Здесь написано, что я могу подать на тебя в суд и забрать все твои деньги!
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,760 - Так точно! Он может! - Не можешь, жополиз!
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,860 Так! Все свидетели! Он снова это сделал!
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:56,120 Панда одной стороны может подать в суд на панду другой стороны...
00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:00,560 однако, в случае, когда вышеупомянутый панда второй стороны...
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,000 Дело номер 3433, Картман против Марша.
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,360 Изложите вашу жалобу, мистер Картман.
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,660 Ваша честь, мой адвокат как раз паркует машину, он сейчас придет.
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,840 - Блин! У него что, адвокат есть? - Привет, простите за опоздание!
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,560 - Папа?! - Привет, Кайл!
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,840 Давайте всё-таки продолжим! Эрик Картман,
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,680 Вы утверждаете, что Стэн Марш домогался вас в классном кабинете?
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,520 - Всё верно, ваша честь. - Какого чёрта?
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,080 Он говорил об акте орального секса с моими ягодицами.
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,280 - Я назвал тебя жополизом! - Да! Именно так!
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,600 И я был так расстроен! Весь день не мог сосредоточиться!
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,960 А как он на меня смотрел, смотрел на меня в упор, сверху донизу...
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,950 прямо рассматривал, как будто раздевал меня глазами!
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,200 Что?! Ты чё, опух? Ты сам всё время других обзываешь!
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,080 Как вы видите, ваша честь, мой клиент слишком расстроен, чтобы продолжать.
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,480 - Мистер Марш, что вы можете сказать? - В каком смысле?
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:48,080 - Что вы скажете в свою защиту. - Ну, мне восемь лет.
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,830 Дело предельно ясно.
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,438 Стэн Марш, согласно новому закону о сексуальных домогательствах в школах,
00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:54,139 я признаю вас виновным!
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:55,840 Получилось! Ура!
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,240 Поскольку подсудимый - несовершеннолетний и не обладает денежными средствами...
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,651 по решению суда 50% имущества Стэна Марша переходит...
00:04:02,652 --> 00:04:04,652 во владение Эрика Картмана.
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,120 - Я должен отдать ему половину всего? - Шикарно!
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:14,360 Так, так! Значит я хочу вот эту настольную игру, вот эту куклу Пауэр Джим, посмотрим...
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,849 Тебе нравится этот грузовик с дистанционным управлением?
00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:19,250 Да! Это - моя любимая игрушка!
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,640 Тогда я его тоже забираю!
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,760 - А это - тоже твоя любимая игрушка? - Нет, вообще-то, я её ненавижу!
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,160 Что-ж, значит, ты не будешь возражать, если я её заберу.
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,620 - Чёрт! - В качестве вашего гонорара...
00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:34,640 можете выбрать зеленый паровозик или мяч для регби.
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,480 Эрик, я тут подумал...
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,750 Да, да. Вот эту модель самолёта, пожалуйста! Продолжайте!
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,160 На самом деле ответственность за домогательства несут школы!
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,160 Возможно, следует подать в суд на них.
00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:50,300 - С чего бы это мне подавать в суд на школы? - Ну, хотя бы потому, что они...
00:04:50,301 --> 00:04:53,240 закрывают глаза на домогательства и, главное, денег у них гораздо больше.
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,320 Из этого случая можно выжать много денег, гораздо больше, чем половину вещей Стэна.
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:57,760 Интересно!
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,760 Ингалятор Стэна против астмы... Я его хочу!
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,480 Отвечайте на вопрос!
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,520 Знали ли вы, что в классе происходят случаи домогательства?
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,280 Понятия не имел!
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,480 Мистер Гаррисон, вы знаете, что такое сексуальное домогательство?
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,720 Конечно! И мистер Шляпа знает! Мы не терпим сексуальных домогательств!
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,200 Свидетелем выступаете вы, мистер Гаррисон, а не мистер Шляпа.
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,440 Прости, куколка!
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,640 Вы слышали, как моего клиента прилюдно назвали жополизом?
00:05:21,675 --> 00:05:22,405 Да!
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,200 - И вы ничего не сделали? - Но он и есть жополиз!
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,880 Мистер Гаррисон, напоминаю, что мы находимся в суде!
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:30,480 Извини, детка! Извини!
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,680 Директор Виктория, знали ли вы,
00:05:33,715 --> 00:05:35,750 что мой клиент испытывал на себе домогательства в вашей школе?
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,845 Ну, не больше, чем остальные ученики.
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,346 То есть, вы признаёте случаи домогательств!
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:40,790 Не знаю!
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,680 Вы не знаете? Как?! Вы же директор школы!
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,510 - Не могу каждую секунду за всем следить! - Значит, такие случаи имеют место!
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,520 Хорошо! Я признаюсь, я убила его!
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,920 Я ударила его по голове и разрезала труп на части!
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,960 Я пыталась его сжечь, но он не горел!
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,840 Какой отвратительный запах!
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,966 Я положила ноги в мешки для мусора, а торс скинула под мост!
00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:59,267 Я была вынуждена это сделать!
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,040 Боже!
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,800 Директор Виктория, вы называли Эрика Картмана жополизом? Да или нет?
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,960 - Наверное, да! - Господи, это же - домогательство.
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:15,200 И последний эксперт - свидетель, это - Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,074 Свидетель, правда ли, что в начальной школе Саут Парка...
00:06:23,109 --> 00:06:24,920 попустительствуют домогательствам.
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,487 Да, когда один маленький панда просит другого панду заняться оральным сексом,
00:06:29,488 --> 00:06:32,599 - ...это - домогательство. - И кого же в этом винить?
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,200 Я боюсь, по законам штата ответственность несёт школа.
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,800 Вот и всё, что требовалось доказать! Вы сами слышали этого коня!
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,560 - Панду. - Да, этого панду.
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,971 По рассмотрению дела суд выносит решение, что начальная школа Саут Парка...
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:48,120 обязана выплатить Эрику Теодору Картману один миллион триста тысяч долларов.
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,000 - Эрик! Нам удалось! - Зажигай, пацаны!
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,680 Зажигаем!
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,640 Это, пожалуйста, в главную спальню.
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,760 - Ну что, Кайл, тебе нравится новый дом? - Он большой!
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,600 Да! Он очень большой! Очень большой дом!
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,481 Пап, если школа должна выплатить тебе и Картману миллион триста тысяч,
00:07:07,482 --> 00:07:08,582 откуда пойдут эти деньги?
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,030 Видишь ли, Кайл, у школ очень много денег.
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,280 Мы платим налоги, и часть этих налогов идёт школам.
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,480 Вот из этих-то денег мы и получим миллион триста тысяч.
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,960 И тебя это не смущает?
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,640 Нет! Это - очень хрупкая система, она создана природой!
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,640 И вещи в ней перетекают одна в другую!
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,480 - Ты пытаешься меня запутать? - Типа, да.
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,430 Ладно, дети. В школе произошли некоторые изменения...
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,680 но уроки будут проходить как и раньше. Вопросы?
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,200 - Да, Стэн? - А где наши парты?
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,619 Ах, да. Парты. Фонд школы пришлось изрядно урезать...
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:47,120 из-за судебных исков. Поэтому нам придётся поприжаться.
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,920 Вот видишь, жиртрест?! Это всё из-за тебя!
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,110 Зато у меня есть шикарные часы и потрясные ботинки.
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,400 Пацаны, хочу сказать, что подать в суд - это шикарно!
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,880 - Я тоже хочу подать на кого-нибудь в суд! - Я тоже! Я хочу адвоката!
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,240 Постараемся как-нибудь привыкнуть к изменениям и продолжим работу.
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:05,800 Сейчас я напишу на доске предложение, а вы найдёте в нём существительное.
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,910 Да, да. Дети, понимаю, но мы больше не можем позволить себе покупать мел.
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,000 Поэтому я вынужден царапать на доске ржавым гвоздиком, да.
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,480 Итак, я нацарапаю предложение: "Мяч красный"...
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,360 Дети, вы устали от домогательств в школе?
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,280 Вам надоело, что вас называют голубыми? Вонючками?
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,360 Членоголовыми?
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,110 Позвоните мне, папе Кайла!
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:35,960 А я помогу вам захлопнуть крышку котла сексуальных домогательств в школе!
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,435 После того, как один мальчик из класса хотел сунуть мне в рот свой язык...
00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:42,617 я обратилась к адвокату. Папа Кайла помог мне получить миллион шестьсот тысяч...
00:08:42,618 --> 00:08:46,280 и этот красивый велосипед. Спасибо, папа Кайла!
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:52,040 Папа Кайла помог мне получить миллион четыреста тысяч, он и вам поможет!
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,520 Смотрите, какие красивые девочки!
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,040 Позвоните мне, папе Кайла,
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,220 потому что главное - это не деньги. Хотя...
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:01,240 Господи, что я говорю? Звоните!
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:06,040 К вам дети пристают? Не надо грустить! Папа Кайла поможет вам их засудить!
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,150 Так. Как ещё мы можем урезать школьный бюджет?
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,640 У нас остался Том Моррис.
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,670 Он играет роль Панды Сексуальное Домогательство.
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,950 Да, мы больше не можем позволить себе его услуги.
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,680 Предупреждаю, мистер Эванс, он слишком серьёзно относится к своей работе.
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,400 Привет, дети сексуальных домогательств!
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,560 - Присаживайтесь, мистер Моррис. - Кто?
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,080 Панда Сексуальное Домогательство.
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,840 А! Спасибо!
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,200 Мистер Моррис, на заседании школьного совета мы решили,
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,372 что, возможно, панда...
00:09:44,373 --> 00:09:48,373 это - не лучший способ объяснить детям, что такое сексуальное домогательство.
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,936 Видите ли, мистер Моррис, мы полагаем, что панда не имеет...
00:09:53,937 --> 00:09:57,337 никакого отношения к сексуальным домогательствам.
00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,480 Совсем никакого!
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,560 Так что, боюсь, мы должны с вами расстаться.
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,760 Я стал грустным пандой!
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,475 Эрик Картман, вы виновны в...
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:12,876 сексуальных домогательствах на территории школы к Пипу Филипу.
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,870 - Нет, да вы что! - Я выиграл!
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,100 Это бред какой-то!
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,790 Вы потребовали, чтобы Пип сосал ваш... сами знаете что!
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,720 Вы отдаёте Пипу половину имущества, а школа платит миллион шестьсот тысяч.
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:23,640 Господи!
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,440 - А я молодец! - Следующий!
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,520 Эта девочка трогала меня за бедро!
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,400 Половина её имущества, и от школы два миллиона сто тысяч.
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,000 - Мы погибли! - Следующий!
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,760 Ваша честь, этот юноша обсуждал форму моей задницы.
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,540 Половину его имущества! От школы два миллиона!
00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:45,760 Ладно, дети, садитесь, пожалуйста. Сегодня нам предстоит многое узнать.
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:53,480 Так, хорошо, Клайд, скажи мне, когда Виллис Грант стал президентом США?
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,310 Не отвечай!
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,640 Крэг, может ты?
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:03,360 Ладно! Я отказываюсь обсуждать темы, которые могут привести к моему осеменению.
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:04,750 Обвинению!
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:08,228 Дети, мне очень не нравится, что вы обзавелись адвокатами.
00:11:08,229 --> 00:11:11,229 Это мешает нам заниматься.
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,440 А, да. Да, понял.
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,440 Дети, я хотел сказать, что одобряю ваше решение обзавестись адвокатами...
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:21,120 и полностью его поддерживаю.
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,400 Вернёмся к Виллису Гранту, если вы, конечно, не возражаете.
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,040 - Привет, дети! - Привет, Шеф!
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,640 - Как настроение? - Погано!
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,480 Будет ещё хуже! Всё, что могу предложить - пюре без масла.
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,360 Пюре без масла! Нет!
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,920 Мне жаль, но нам урезали финансирование.
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,520 Господи, пацаны! Сделайте хоть что-нибудь!
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,200 Шеф, а как мы можем остановить судебные иски по этим гательствам?
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,440 Не знаю, дети. Спросите у папы, он ведь адвокат.
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,965 Я пытался с ним поговорить, но он не хочет останавливаться!
00:11:50,966 --> 00:11:51,966 На исках он слишком хорошо зарабатывает.
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,400 Но кто-то же должен знать, что делать с этими безобразиями вокруг домогательств.
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:57,100 Может, тот тупой панда?
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,514 Точно! Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:11:58,515 --> 00:12:00,315 С него всё и началось! Надо его найти!
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:04,680 Надеюсь, найдёте. Иначе всю жизнь будете жрать пюре без масла!
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:09,410 Ещё 32 иска по делу о сексуальных домогательствах за последние сутки.
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:10,551 Господи!
00:12:10,721 --> 00:12:13,280 Нам придётся урезать программы психологической помощи и здорового питания
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,160 Дети уже начали подавать в суд на взрослых, потом и на нас начнут!
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,480 Господи! Вы правы!
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,240 Извините, мы хотели бы поговорить с Пандой Сексуальное Домогательство.
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,960 Пожалуйста, не подавайте на нас в суд!
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,160 - Мы отдадим вам всё, что хотите! - Мы хотим панду!
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,000 Ну, нам пришлось его уволить.
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,480 - То есть, он сам ушел! - Где он сейчас?
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,600 Мы не знаем! Честное слово! Не трогайте нас!
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:36,920 С ума они, что ли, посходили?
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:41,440 У вас впечатляющие отзывы, и вы явно амбициозны,
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,640 но, боюсь, на данный момент в нашей компании нет подходящей вакансии.
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:50,946 - Это, потому что я - панда, да? - Да, потому что вы - панда.
00:12:50,947 --> 00:12:53,600 И ещё потому что вы - Панда Сексуальное Домогательство.
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,920 Я - такой, какой я есть!
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,280 Вы когда-нибудь слышали о приюте "Остров Съехавших Талисманов"?
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:04,720 Это - убежище для талисманов - лузеров, я - не такой!
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,640 Возможно, это - то, что вам нужно!
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,080 Я не собираюсь сидеть и выслушивать это всё!
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,560 Сейчас большой панда врежет вам по заднице!
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:16,971 По всей стране растёт число исков на тему сексуальных домогательств,
00:13:16,972 --> 00:13:19,472 и вот-вот начнётся дело о...
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,340 сексуальном домогательстве каждого против каждого!
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,367 Независимо от результата, школы будут обязаны...
00:13:26,368 --> 00:13:29,068 выплачивать около тридцати миллионов долларов!
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,280 Каждого представляет Джеральд Брофловски!
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,560 Адвокат из Саут Парка, который рассчитывает получить неплохую комиссию!
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,720 Противоположную сторону, каждого представляет Джеральд Брофловски!
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,360 Кажется, папу Кайла ждут нехилые баблосы независимо от исхода дела!
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,832 Лично я считаю, что он - редкая сволочь...
00:13:45,833 --> 00:13:48,133 которая рассчитывает неслабо поживиться за счёт...
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:52,680 Последнее сообщение! Папа Кайла подаёт в суд на ведущего новостей за клевету!
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,940 Ведущий новостей пока отказывается от комментариев! Минуточку!
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,240 Ещё виски?
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,320 Эй! Панда!
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,840 Мы тут таких, как ты, не любим!
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,040 Успокойся, Скитер! Он никого не трогает!
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:26,260 Нет! Я кое-что всё-таки спрошу этого панду!
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,380 Если вы, панды, водитесь в горах Китая и Тибета,
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:36,760 какого хрена вы едите бамбук, который растёт только в засушливых регионах, а?
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,640 Скитер, нам не нужны неприятности!
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,400 Всё в порядке. Я всё понял.
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,360 В этом мире нет места пандам.
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:51,440 Можете не переживать, я отправляюсь на Остров Съехавших Талисманов.
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,099 Скитер! Вот какого хрена каждый раз...
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:59,100 когда к нам заходит панда, тебе обязательно выступать, а?
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,200 Ну, Кайл, что скажешь?
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,670 Пап, разве наш прежний дом был недостаточно большим?
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:08,685 - Да, но этот же ещё больше! - После завтрашнего дела...
00:15:08,686 --> 00:15:10,800 всё станет ещё хуже! Надо это остановить!
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,360 - Кайл, позволь я тебе кое-что объясню. - О, Господи! Началось!
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,280 Понимаешь, Кайл, мы живём в демократическом обществе.
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,866 И демократы приняли законы о сексуальных домогательствах.
00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:21,567 Где сказано, что мы можем и что не можем говорить на рабочем месте...
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,850 что можем и что не можем делать.
00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:26,990 - Это же - фашизм! - Нет, потому что мы не называем это так.
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,480 - Понимаешь? - А ты?
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,280 Слушай, Кайл, посмотри на этот огромный дом. Только посмотри на него!
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,520 - Прошу прощения! - Да, чем могу помочь?
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,280 Нам сказали, что тут видели большую панду.
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:38,920 Большую панду. Большую панду.
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,160 Эй, вы! Восьмилетки!
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,440 Мы тут таких, как вы, не любим!
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,840 Успокойся, Скитер! Они никого не трогают!
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:53,200 Нет! Я всё-таки хочу спросить этого мистера восьмилетку!
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:59,360 С какой это стати вы носите каждую зиму такие смешные, яркие, тёплые рубашки?
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,160 Куртки что ли?
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:03,920 Скитер, нам не нужны неприятности!
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,750 Мы тут таких, как вы, не любим!
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,000 Блин, что происходит?
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,310 Короче, панду видели или нет?
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:14,240 - Мы тут таких, как панда, не любим! - А мы не любим таких, как ты!
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:19,000 А мы не любим таких, которые не любят таких, как мы!
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,960 Короче, дети, панда здесь был,
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,200 он говорил что-то об Острове Съехавших Талисманов.
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,480 - А где это? - Если не ошибаюсь, рядом с Дженкинсом.
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,480 - Пошли скорее! - Вы только посмотрите!
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,000 Эй, ты! Красотка!
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,320 Мы тут таких, как ты, не любим!
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,600 Успокойся, Скитер! Она никого не трогает!
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:47,280 Дело номер 47Г, каждый против каждого.
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,440 Сторону каждого представляет Джеральд Брофловски.
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,300 Спасибо, Ваша Честь! Дамы и господа,
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,440 каждый совершил преступление и каждый должен понести за это наказание!
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,000 Мой клиент, каждый, пострадал от этого преступления и должен получить компенсацию...
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,960 Остров Съехавших Талисманов. Наверное, это - здесь.
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,760 - Привет, дети! - А ты кто такой?
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,000 Я Вилли Червяк Не Смотри На Солнце!
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,480 Вы же знаете, что нельзя долго смотреть на солнце, да?
00:17:17,490 --> 00:17:18,230 Да!
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,880 Вы можете сжечь оболочку глаза и ослепнуть!
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:23,160 Спасибо большое!
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,120 Хрю, хрю! Не забудьте, что нельзя бегать без ножниц,
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,160 это говорю вам я, Поросенок Пинки Не Бегайте Без Ножниц!
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,440 Я думал, с ножницами бегать нельзя!
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,920 Поэтому он и попал на Остров Съехавших Талисманов.
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,440 А панду вы здесь не видели?
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:40,175 Эй, дети, я - Сокол Джимми, Не Держитесь За Большой Магнит...
00:17:40,176 --> 00:17:43,076 Если Кто-то Включил Вентилятор!
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:45,200 - Что?! - Вот, смотрите!
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:54,750 Вот, видели?!
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,160 - Господи, они убили Кенни! - Сволочи!
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,760 Вот он!
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:07,040 - Как же мы рады, что нашли тебя! - Почему?
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,070 Потому, что все судятся со всеми! И всё это из-за тебя!
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,960 Похоже, я только проблемы создаю!
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:18,540 Привет! Я Барсук Не Делайте Ничего Такого, Что Может Повредить Внутреннему Уху.
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,040 Я, наверное, пойду! Ладно?
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,436 Пожалуйста, Панда, люди тебя слушаются.
00:18:27,437 --> 00:18:28,837 Ты должен их остановить, чтобы они не судились друг с другом.
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,160 Но я - всего лишь панда!
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,720 Никакой ты не панда! Ты - мужик в костюме панды!
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,600 - Эй, да вы что! Я - настоящий червяк! - Извините! Извините!
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,760 Ты - настоящий червяк. Да, да! Мы поняли!
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,193 Ладно, ладно, ты - настоящий панда, но то, что ты - Панда Сексуальное Домогательство...
00:18:45,194 --> 00:18:46,194 сейчас никому не помогает.
00:18:46,254 --> 00:18:49,707 Ты использовал свою силу, чтобы рассказать людям о домогательствах.
00:18:49,742 --> 00:18:50,890 А теперь самая пора рассказать о другом.
00:18:50,891 --> 00:18:53,491 О том, что людям снова будет полезно.
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:54,640 Это о чём?
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,000 О том, что люди не должны всё время подавать друг на друга в суд!
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:02,247 - Знаете, дети, может, вы и правы! - Да! - Отлично!
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,320 - Ваша честь, в качестве последнего аргумента я хотел бы... - Подождите!
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,840 Эй! Это же - Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,160 Нет! Теперь это совершенно другой панда! И он хочет кое-что сказать!
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,480 Привет всем!
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,480 Я - Пити Панда Хватит Судиться!
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,120 Панда Хватит Судиться?
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:24,400 Эй! Мы тут не любим таких, которые не любят судиться!
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,440 Успокойся, Скитер, он никого не трогает!
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,360 Послушайте меня! Когда вы подаёте на кого-то в суд, плохо всем!
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,960 Вы хотите денег, но откуда идут эти деньги?
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,240 Из школ! Из налогов! От государства! От вас самих!
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,965 Не бывает бесплатных денег!
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,846 Когда вы подаёте на кого-то в суд, вы забираете деньги у парков, школ,
00:19:46,847 --> 00:19:49,047 благотворительных обществ, и кладёте их в свой карман!
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,560 И тогда я становлюсь грустным пандой!
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,960 Я - тоже грустная панда!
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,600 А я - очень грустная панда! Я и не знал, что мы нанесли столько вреда!
00:20:03,635 --> 00:20:06,200 Это всё вина этого чёртова адвоката!
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,480 Да! Давайте подадим на него в суд!
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,100 - Да! - Нет, нет, нет!
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,320 Разве вы не слышали? Панда, конечно, прав!
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,800 Он совершенно прав, да!
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,680 Когда мы подаём на кого-то в суд, мы создаём новые проблемы в обществе!
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,880 Сегодня я многое понял!
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,390 Я видел лишь миллионы долларов, которые текли мне в карман...
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,480 и мне было неважно, откуда идут эти деньги.
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,860 Больше я не буду заниматься судами и сексуальными домогательствами в школах!
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,500 Они слишком расплывчаты и подкупны, эти суды!
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:32,960 Спасибо тебе, Панда Сексуальное Домогательство!
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,520 Панда Хватит Судиться!
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,710 А, да какая разница! Давайте больше не будем судиться!
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,360 Ребята, всем по мороженому!
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,280 Панда обожает мороженое!
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:48,160 Похоже, адвокатов у нас нет, и дело развалилось! Дело закрыто!
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,000 Эй! Мы тут не любим таких, которые дела закрывают!
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,720 Скитер, заткнись ты! Мать твою!
00:20:56,680 --> 00:21:00,040 Привет, дети! Я - Панда Хватит Судиться...
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,640 и я хочу сказать кое-что очень важное!
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,960 Судебные иски вредят нашему обществу!
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,950 Я понимаю, всем хочется заработать денег,
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,680 но помните, эти деньги откуда-то отнимаются!
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,080 И в результате иногда страдают невинные люди!
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:19,394 Так что, не позволяйте судебным искам по делам сексуальных домогательств...
00:21:19,429 --> 00:21:20,717 разрушать наши школы!
00:21:20,752 --> 00:21:22,560 Пока!
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:25,826 Субтитры: NiFiGaSeBe!

00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:11,429 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,472 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,141 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,684 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:18,144 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:20,271 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,731 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,357 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,817 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,652 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:31,574 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,117 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,830 Okay, children, let's take our seats.
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,249 We have something very important to discuss.
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,710 Due to recent events around the country
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,628 I have been instructed to teach you all about
00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:46,839 sexual harassment in school.
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,591 About what?
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,927 Now, does anybody know what "sexual harassment" means?
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,596 Yes, Eric?
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,347 When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend,
00:00:55,473 --> 00:01:00,061 and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
00:01:00,186 --> 00:01:01,729 No Eric, that's not what I'm talking about!
00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:04,440 The school board has sent over a special guest
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,443 to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools.
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,946 Please welcome Peetie, the Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:14,784 ♪ Who lives in the East 'neath a willer tree ♪
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,661 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:20,372 ♪ Who explains sexual harassment to you and me? ♪
00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:23,292 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,337 ♪ Don't say that don't touch there ♪
00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:29,548 ♪ Don't be nasty says that silly bear ♪
00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:32,093 ♪ He's gonna tell you what's right and wrong! ♪
00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:35,679 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:37,389 Hi, boys and girls!
00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:40,684 Say hi to Sexual Harassment Panda!!
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:43,437 Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,190 Did you know that when one little panda
00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:49,360 pulls on another little panda's underwear...
00:01:49,485 --> 00:01:51,529 that's sexual harassment?
00:01:51,654 --> 00:01:55,449 That makes me a saaaaad panda.
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,827 This is freaking me out, dude.
00:01:57,952 --> 00:02:00,871 And when one little panda puts his furry little willy
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,498 in another panda's ear...
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:06,377 that makes me a very sad panda.
00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,796 Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets,
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,422 and we're going to go through
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:13,634 each and every sexual harassment law.
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:14,802 Aww!
00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:20,432 Article Thirty Six: Section Nineteen.
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:23,352 "One panda may not make sexual comments
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,271 "about another panda's appearance.
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,772 "if said panda--"
00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,440 Aw, dude, get me out of here.
00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,734 I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,194 You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,070 What did you call me?
00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,196 An ass-sucker.
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:35,281 It means you suck ass.
00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:36,031 You see an ass, and you suck it.
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:36,740 You're an ass-sucker.
00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:37,992 That does it!
00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:38,951 I am suing you for sexual harassment!
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,369 Uh-oh!
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,829 What?
00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,455 You have sexually harassed me for the last time!
00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,207 It says right here, that now I can sue you
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,375 and take all of your money!
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,710 That's right, he can.
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,295 No you can't, you little ass-sucker.
00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:50,629 Ooh! He did it again!
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:51,881 You all heard him!
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,549 "The first party of the first panda
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,343 "may sue the second party panda
00:02:56,468 --> 00:03:01,015 unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:06,145 This is Cartman vs. Marsh, case number 3-4-3-3.
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,521 What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?
00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,981 Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car.
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,357 He should be here any second.
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,233 Dude, he got a lawyer!?
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,359 Sorry I'm late.
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,194 Dad?!
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,904 Oh, hi Kyle.
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:15,487 Alright, let's move this along, shall we?
00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,323 Now, Eric Cartman,
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,533 you claim that Stan Marsh has sexually harassed you in school.
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,826 That is correct, my Honor.
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,328 Oh, whatever.
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,538 He said talked about having oral sex with my ass.
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,081 I called you an ass-sucker!!
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,124 Yes, that was it.
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,542 I was so upset...
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,377 I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day.
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,171 And the way his eyes kept looking at me.
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,923 Slowly going up and down my body.
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,591 Like he was undressing me with his eyes.
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,134 What?!
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:37,968 Cartman, you call people names all the time!
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,178 As you can see, your Honor,
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,763 my client is too upset to continue.
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,264 Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,682 What do you mean?
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,475 I need to hear your defense.
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,311 Uh... I'm eight?
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,563 Alright, this seems pretty open and shut.
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,982 Stan Marsh under the new sexual harassment in schools law,
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,317 I am forced to find you guilty.
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,443 Huh!?
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,027 Alright, we did it!
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,904 Hooray!
00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,406 Since the defendant is under age and has no monetary resources,
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,866 it is the judgement of this court,
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,368 that 50 percent of Stan Marsh's belongings
00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:04,411 are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately.
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,788 I have to give him half my stuff?!
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:06,997 Sweet.
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,418 Let's see... I want that Climb Criminy game...
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,420 And that Power Jim doll...
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,673 And, let's see...
00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:17,633 Do you really like this remote controlled truck?
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,801 Yeah, dude, that's my favorite toy.
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,427 Oh, well I'll just take that then...
00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,721 And what about this?
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,223 Is this one of your favorites?
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,141 Uh, no, I hate that toy!
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,811 Oh, then you don't mind if I take it.
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895 Dammit!
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,397 Here you go, as your legal fee,
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:32,815 you can choose between the green choo-choo
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,233 or the squishy football.
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,652 Hmmm...
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,696 Y'know, Eric, I've been thinking...
00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:40,281 Uh-huh, that model airplane kit...
00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:41,949 Go on.
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,450 You know, the people really responsible
00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,119 for your harassment is the public schools.
00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:46,495 Perhaps we should sue them next.
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,414 Why should I sue the schools?
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:51,125 Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on,
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,918 and they have a lot more money.
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,628 I think we could get a lot more out of this
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,171 than half of Stan's belongings.
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,673 Interesting...
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,300 Ooh, Stan's asthma inhaler!
00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:00,509 I want that!
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,594 Answer the question.
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,096 Did you know that sexual harassment
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,472 was going on in the classroom?
00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,266 No, I had no friggin' idea.
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:10,102 Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,937 Of course, and so does Mr. Hat!
00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,481 We do not tolerate sexual harassment!
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,817 <i>You</i> are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,110 I'm sorry, toots.
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,528 Did you or did you not
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,238 hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,072 Yes.
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,324 And you did nothing?
00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:24,616 He <i>is</i> a little ass-sucker.
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,996 Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!
00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,081 Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,294 Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?
00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,546 Well, not any more than any other student.
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,381 Oh, so you admit that harassment goes on?!
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,424 I don't know!
00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:41,592 You don't know?!
00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:42,676 You're the principal!!
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,261 I can't be around every second!
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,346 So it does go on!
00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:47,139 Alright, alright I killed him!
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,600 I hit him over the head and I cut up the body!
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:51,602 I tried to burn it but it wouldn't burn!
00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:53,145 Oh, the smell of it!
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,855 I put the legs in garbage bags
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,482 and hid the torso under a bridge.
00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:57,983 I had to do it!
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,902 Aaaggh!!
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,321 Oh God!
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,323 Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker?
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,908 Yes or no?
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,451 I believe so, yes.
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,790 Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness,
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:15,167 Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,961 ♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,672 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,716 Expert witness, did South Park Elementary
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,718 allow sexual harassment to go on?
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,638 Well, when one little panda asks another little panda
00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,974 to perform oral sex... that is sexual harassment.
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,017 And who is to blame?
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,852 I'm afraid the law states
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,021 that the school must be held responsible.
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,356 There you have it!
00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,482 Straight from the horse's mouth!
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,316 Panda.
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,485 P-Panda's mouth.
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,320 After careful review, it is the judgement of this court
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,781 that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,117 1.3 million dollars in damages.
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,618 Alright! We did it, Eric!
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,038 ♪ Get down, get down and party... ♪
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,085 That goes in the master bedroom!
00:06:58,210 --> 00:07:00,045 Well Kyle, what do you think of your new house?
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,630 It's... big.
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:02,965 Yes, it is big, isn't it.
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,008 It is very... big.
00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:07,094 Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman 1.3 million dollars,
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:08,387 where does that money come from?
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,597 Well, Kyle, schools have lots of money.
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,307 You see, we all pay taxes,
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,351 and part of that tax money goes to public schools.
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:18,147 And it's from <i>that</i> money that we got our 1.3 million.
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,941 And you don't see a problem with that?
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,402 No, it's a very fragile system that nature has designed.
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,070 All things flow into each other.
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,114 You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:28,532 Sort of, yeah.
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:33,370 Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school,
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,038 but lessons will go on as normal.
00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:36,707 Any questions?
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:39,501 Yes, Stan?
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,461 Where's our desks?
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,671 Right, desks...
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,173 Well, a lot of cuts had to be made
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,467 since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:47,885 You see, Cartman?!
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,052 You see what this has done?!
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,679 All I know is I got this sweet digital watch,
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,055 and these cool shoes...
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,183 I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass.
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,601 Wow, I wanna sue somebody!
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:56,852 Me too, I wanna get a lawyer!
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,437 Yeah!
00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,230 Well, let's just try to cope with the changes
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,356 and do our school work.
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:02,858 Now, I'm going to write a sentence
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,486 and I want you to tell me the <i>noun...</i>
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,906 Agahaghhh!!
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,949 I know, I know. I'm sorry, children
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,826 but we can't afford chalk anymore.
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,287 I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail.
00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:19,208 Anyway, children, in the sentence "the ball is red"
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,125 Aaaghhhh!!
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,129 Kids?
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,797 Are you tired of being harassed at school?
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,299 Sick of being called a "homo"?
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,467 A "farty pants"?
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,801 A "butt...
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,178 ...face"?
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,055 Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,517 close the lid on sexual harassment in school!
00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:38,519 After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth,
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,229 I knew I needed legal help...
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:43,357 Kyle's dad helped me get a 1.6 million dollar settlement
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,234 and this bright, new, shiny bicycle!
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,735 Thank you, Kyle's dad!
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:52,699 Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million and he can do it for you, too!
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,576 Just look at all these beautiful girls!
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,328 So call me, Kyle's dad!
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:59,206 Because it's not about money, it's about--
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,416 wait, what am I saying, call me!
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,709 ♪ Kids picking on you ♪
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:03,752 ♪ Well, don't be sad ♪
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,003 ♪ Just sue their asses ♪
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,338 ♪ With Kyle's dad ♪
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,217 Alright, what other cuts do we have to make
00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:11,468 to the school budget?
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,095 Uh, next we have Tom Morris,
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,472 he plays sexual harassment panda at the schools.
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,765 Oh, right.
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,767 We certainly can't afford him anymore.
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,728 I warn you, Mr. Evans, Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously.
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:25,232 Hello sexual harassment cubs!
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,151 ♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,779 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,573 Uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,699 Who?
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:36,201 Uh... Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,953 Oh, alright!
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,290 Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking,
00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:44,459 And we've decided that perhaps a panda
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:49,506 isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children.
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:54,177 You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda
00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:58,473 doesn't really have anything to do with sexual harassment...
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,183 at all.
00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:03,186 I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:07,399 I'm a saaaaaaad panda.
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,652 Eric Cartman, it is the judgement of this court
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,779 that you sexually harassed Pip Phillip at school.
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:13,947 No way!
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,282 I won!
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,825 This is ridiculous!
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,869 You asked Pip to suck your... You know what.
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,579 You must give Pip half your stuff.
00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,998 And the school must give Pip 1.6 million dollars.
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:23,832 Oh dear God!
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:24,916 Wow, I'm good!
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,168 Next!
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,086 This girl touched my thigh.
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:29,212 Half her belongings,
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,672 school is sued for 2.1 million.
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,590 We're ruined!
00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:32,799 Next!
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,676 Uh, your honor, this young man
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,095 commented on the shape of my ass.
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:37,971 Agh!
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,056 Half his stuff.
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:39,765 Two million from the school.
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,266 Ahh!
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,269 Okay, children, let's all take our seats...
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,480 We have a lot to learn today.
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:51,193 Okay... uh, Clyde,
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,779 Can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?
00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:55,405 Um... - Don't answer that!
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,949 Uh, Craig how about you?
00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,826 Uh-huh... okay...
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,578 I refuse to answer on the grounds that
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,163 it may incinerate me.
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:03,997 Incriminate.
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,540 Incriminate.
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:06,917 Okay, children, I'm having a real problem
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,627 with you all having lawyers.
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,754 It is really disrupting class time.
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:15,258 Uh-huh...ri--oh, oh. I see. Oh, okay. Right.
00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,094 Kids, what I meant to say is that
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,929 I fully condone you all having lawyers
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:21,223 and support your legal recourses in every way.
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,767 Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant,
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,310 if that's okay with you.
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:26,895 Let's trade sandwiches.
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,605 Hello there, children!
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,564 Hey, Chef.
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:30,065 How's it going?
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,400 Bad.
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,776 Well they're about to get worse.
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,236 All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,987 Lumpy potatoes?!
00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,698 Oh no!
00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:40,242 Sorry, children, all my funding's been cut.
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,451 Oh my God!
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,161 You guys have to do something!
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,330 Chef, how can we stop all these sexual <i>ass-ment</i> lawsuits?
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,581 I don't know, children.
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:47,541 Why don't you ask your dad?
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:48,750 He's a lawyer, ain't he?
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,210 I've tried talking to him,
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,420 but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop.
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:52,838 He's making too much money.
00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:54,131 Well, somebody else has got to know all about
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:55,590 this sexual harassment whosafudge!
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,175 Hey what about that stupid panda?!
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,844 Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:11:58,969 --> 00:11:59,803 He's the one that started all this!
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:00,762 We have to find him!
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,305 Well, I hope you do.
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:04,808 Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out.
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,518 Noooo!
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,520 That's thirty-two more sexual harassment lawsuits
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,688 in the past twenty-four hours.
00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:10,772 Oh my God!
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,149 Looks like we'll have to cut
00:12:12,274 --> 00:12:13,734 all counseling and nutrition programs.
00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,235 The children have started suing adults.
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,445 They could sue us next!
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,029 Holy smokes, you're right!
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,322 Excuse me, we'd like to speak with
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:20,657 Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:21,616 Agh!
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:22,993 Please, don't sue us!
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,327 Huh?
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,203 We'll give you anything you want!
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,496 We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,332 Oh no, uh... we had to let him go.
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,584 What?!
00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:31,585 Uh, I mean, he left.
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,627 Well, where is he?
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,171 We don't know, honestly!
00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,505 I swear it, please! Let us go!
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,007 What the hell is wrong with these people?!
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,342 Well, your credentials are very impressive,
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:41,511 and you do seem to have a lot of ambition...
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,555 But I'm afraid there's no room for you
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,848 at our company at this time.
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:49,519 It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:52,689 Well, i-it is because you're a panda, eh--
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,316 It's because you're a "Sexual Harassment Panda".
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026 I can't help what I am.
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:57,861 Have you ever heard of a retreat called
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,696 the "Island of Misfit Mascots"?
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:03,492 Well, yes... but that place is for loser mascots
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,410 that make no sense.
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,205 Well, yes, they may be just what you're looking for.
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,248 I don't have to sit here and listen to this!
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:14,002 How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,963 As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state,
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,841 the mother of all trials is set to begin.
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:23,970 The sexual harassment case of <i>Everyone vs. Everyone</i> begins tomorrow.
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,264 No matter what the outcome,
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,392 the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping 30 million dollars.
00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,144 Representing the side of <i>Everyone,</i>
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,022 is Gerald Broflofski, the lawyer from South Park
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,024 who plans to make quite a commission.
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,443 Representing the side of <i>Everyone Else</i> is...
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,694 Gerald Broflofski!
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,321 So whatever the outcome,
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,949 things look very bright for Kyle's dad.
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,909 Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore,
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,828 taking advantage of everyone in town and--
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,914 this just in: newscaster Kevin McCarty
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,083 is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander!
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,335 The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment!
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:56,711 Wait--
00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,508 ♪ Some days just seem lonely ♪
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:06,763 ♪ Still there don't seem to be no end in sight... ♪♪
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,306 Another scotch?
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,855 Hey... Panda Bear!
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,025 We don't take kindly to your types in here.
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,944 Now, calm down, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,612 No!
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:26,533 I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here.
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:31,496 If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet,
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,582 how come you eat bamboo
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:38,211 which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,797 Skeeter, I don't want no trouble, now!
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,841 It's okay. I get it.
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:46,011 There's no room in the world for pandas.
00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:48,305 Well, you don't have to worry about me,
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:52,309 I'm off to the "Island of Misfit Mascots".
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,272 Dammit, Skeeter, how come every time a panda bear come in here
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,691 you gotta go flappin' your jaw!
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,819 Well, what do you think, Kyle?
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,071 Dad, don't you think our last new house was big enough?
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,907 Well... this one is bigger!
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825 Tomorrow's trial, <i>Everyone vs. Everyone,</i>
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:09,993 is going to make things a lot worse.
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,244 We have to stop it.
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:12,913 Kyle, let me explain something to you.
00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,581 Oh God, here we go.
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,666 You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society.
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:19,002 And democrats make sexual harassment laws.
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:21,880 These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace.
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,840 And what we can and can't <i>do</i> in the workplace.
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,258 Isn't that fascism?
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,843 No, because we don't call it fascism.
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,929 Do you understand?
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,805 Do you?
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,515 Just look at how big this house is, Kyle.
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:33,975 Just look at it.
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,101 Excuse me.
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,519 Yeah, what can I do for you?
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,896 Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,190 Big panda bear, Big panda bear...
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:42,817 Hey, eight-year-olds!
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,695 We don't take kindly to your types in here.
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,156 Now calm down, Skeeter, they ain't hurtin' nobody.
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,867 No, I wanna know something from
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,370 Mr. "I'm Eight Years Old" here,
00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,206 how come you "types" are always wearin'
00:15:56,331 --> 00:16:00,585 them funny padded shirts in the winter?
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,921 Coats?
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,506 Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,050 We don't take kindly to your types 'round here!
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,259 Dude, what the hell is going on?
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,762 Did you guys see a big panda bear in here or not?
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,098 We don't take kindly to panda bears!
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,683 Well we don't take kindly to <i>you</i>!
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,393 We don't take kindly to folks
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,145 that don't take kindly 'round here.
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,482 Kids, there <i>was</i> a panda bear in here.
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,859 He said something about "The Island of Misfit Mascots".
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,528 Where's that?
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,655 If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkin's place.
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,490 Come on, we better hurry!
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,950 Whoa, look at her!
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,828 Hey, beautiful woman!
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,832 We don't take kindly to your types 'round here.
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:41,001 Now, Skeeter, she ain't hurtin' nobody!
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:47,507 This is case number 47-G, <i>Everyone vs. Everyone.</i>
00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:52,637 Representing the side of everyone is Gerald Broflofski.
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:53,930 Thank you, your Honor.
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,140 Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury...
00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,100 <i>Everyone</i> has committed a crime here,
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,477 and <i>everyone</i> must pay for that crime.
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,855 My client, <i>Everyone,</i> has been hurt by this crime
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,898 and must be compensated.
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,735 "Island of Misfit Mascots Commune."
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:07,986 This must be the place.
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,320 Hello there, boys.
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:11,031 Whoa, who are you?
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,867 I'm Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm.
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:17,120 Now you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,663 Yes.
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:21,624 That can burn your retinas and make you blind.
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:23,460 Thanks a lot, dude.
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,836 Oink, oink!
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,254 Be sure you run around with scissors,
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,049 says Oinky, the Run Around With Scissors Pig!
00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:31,468 I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,928 That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots.
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:34,929 Have you seen any panda bears?
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,723 Hmmm...
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:40,268 Hey kids, I'm Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,729 While Someone Else Uses a Fan Nearby, Falcon.
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:43,813 What?
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,690 Here, watch!
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,947 Mprhhh, ahhhhhh!
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,283 See?!
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,076 Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,160 You bastard!
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,787 Hey, there he is!
00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:01,331 ♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:04,042 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,585 Dude, are we glad to find you!
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:06,294 You have to come back to South Park, quick!
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,962 Why?
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,339 Because everyone is suing everyone else
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,215 and you're pretty much the cause of it all.
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,801 Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,969 Hello kids, I'm Hoppy
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:18,723 the Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger.
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,063 Well. I'll leave now.
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,315 Please, Sexual Harassment Panda, people listen to you.
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,775 You have to get them to stop suing each other.
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,735 But I'm just a panda.
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,070 No you're not, dude!
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,030 You're a guy in a panda costume!
00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:38,660 Hey, I am a real worm, pal!
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,745 Okay. Sorry, sorry.
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:41,830 Y-You're a real worm.
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:42,872 T-That's cool, that's cool.
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,040 Okay, you <i>are</i> a panda.
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,333 But being Sexual Harassment Panda
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,626 isn't helping anyone right now.
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,044 You used to use your panda powers
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,170 to teach people about sexual harassment.
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,755 But now you need to teach a new message,
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,590 a new message that people will find useful again.
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,634 What message?
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,469 That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:00,306 You know, you little cubs might just be right.
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:01,349 Yeah.
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,600 Okay!
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:06,354 Your Honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments--
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,480 Wait!
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,357 Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:13,153 No, he's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say...
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:17,657 Hello everyone, I'm Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda.
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:18,908 "Don't Sue People Panda"?
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,244 Hey, we don't take kindly
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:24,205 to folks that don't sue people 'round here.
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,374 Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,876 Listen to me.
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,211 When you sue somebody it hurts everyone.
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,754 You sue for money,
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,965 but where do you think that money comes from?
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:38,928 From the schools, from taxes, from the state... from you.
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,849 There's no such thing as free money.
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:46,394 When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks,
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,022 and schools and charities and put it in your own pockets.
00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:53,193 And that makes me a saaaad panda.
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,574 I'm a sad panda, too.
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,409 I'm a <i>really</i> sad panda.
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,703 I didn't know we were doing all that damage.
00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,538 This is all that damn lawyer's fault!
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:08,082 Yeah, let's sue the lawyer!
00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,167 Yeah!
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:10,835 No! Don't you see?
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,212 The panda is right!
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,714 Boy, what a great message he has.
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,966 When you sue people, you just end up causing
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,885 a lot of problems for society!
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,179 I've really learned something today.
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,473 All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me,
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,850 and I didn't care about where the money came from.
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:29,145 Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools.
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,231 They're too vague and too easily corruptible.
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,815 Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,234 Don't Sue People Panda.
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,735 Yeah, well, whatever.
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,695 So, let's not sue anyone again.
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,863 Okay, come on guys,
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,198 let's go get some ice cream!
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,616 Hooray!
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,452 Pandas love ice cream!
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,954 Well, seeing as we have no lawyers.
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,247 I'm throwing the case out.
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:48,331 Case dismissed!
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,166 Hey!
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:53,086 We don't take kindly to cases being dismissed 'round here.
00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:54,587 Goddamnit Skeeter, shut the hell up.
00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:58,007 Hello, cubs!
00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,884 I'm "Don't Sue People Panda"
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,303 with an important message for you!
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,639 Lawsuits damage our society.
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,683 I know it's tempting to make money,
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:10,520 but just remember, that money has to come from somewhere.
00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:13,982 And usually it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people!
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733 So until next time,
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:18,861 don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,488 ruin our schools!
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,532 Goodbye now!

00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:11,429 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,472 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,141 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,684 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:18,144 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:20,271 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,731 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,357 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,817 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,652 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:30,031 ♪ [Mumbling] ♪
00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:31,574 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,117 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,830 Okay, children, let's take our seats.
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,249 We have something very important to discuss.
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,710 Due to recent events around the country
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,628 I have been instructed to teach you all about
00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:46,839 sexual harassment in school.
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,591 About what?
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,927 Now, does anybody know what "sexual harassment" means?
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,596 Yes, Eric?
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,347 When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend,
00:00:55,473 --> 00:01:00,061 and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
00:01:00,186 --> 00:01:01,729 No Eric, that's not what I'm talking about!
00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:04,440 The school board has sent over a special guest
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,443 to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools.
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,946 Please welcome Peetie, the Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:14,784 ♪ Who lives in the East 'neath a willer tree ♪
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,661 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:20,372 ♪ Who explains sexual harassment to you and me? ♪
00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:23,292 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,337 ♪ Don't say that don't touch there ♪
00:01:26,462 --> 00:01:29,548 ♪ Don't be nasty says that silly bear ♪
00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:32,093 ♪ He's gonna tell you what's right and wrong! ♪
00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:35,679 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:37,389 Hi, boys and girls!
00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:40,684 Say hi to Sexual Harassment Panda!!
00:01:40,810 --> 00:01:43,437 [all] Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,190 Did you know that when one little panda
00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:49,360 pulls on another little panda's underwear...
00:01:49,485 --> 00:01:51,529 that's sexual harassment?
00:01:51,654 --> 00:01:55,449 That makes me a saaaaad panda.
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,827 This is freaking me out, dude.
00:01:57,952 --> 00:02:00,871 And when one little panda puts his furry little willy
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,498 in another panda's ear...
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:06,377 that makes me a very sad panda.
00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,796 Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets,
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,422 and we're going to go through
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:13,634 each and every sexual harassment law.
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:14,802 [all] Aww!
00:02:17,847 --> 00:02:20,432 Article Thirty Six: Section Nineteen.
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:23,352 "One panda may not make sexual comments
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,271 "about another panda's appearance.
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,772 "if said panda--"
00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:28,440 Aw, dude, get me out of here.
00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:30,734 I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,194 You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,070 What did you call me?
00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:34,196 An ass-sucker.
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:35,281 It means you suck ass.
00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:36,031 You see an ass, and you suck it.
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:36,740 You're an ass-sucker.
00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:37,992 That does it!
00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:38,951 I am suing you for sexual harassment!
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,369 Uh-oh!
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,829 What?
00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,455 You have sexually harassed me for the last time!
00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,207 It says right here, that now I can sue you
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,375 and take all of your money!
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,710 That's right, he can.
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,295 No you can't, you little ass-sucker.
00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:50,629 Ooh! He did it again!
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:51,881 You all heard him!
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,549 "The first party of the first panda
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,343 "may sue the second party panda
00:02:56,468 --> 00:03:01,015 unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:06,145 This is Cartman vs. Marsh, case number 3-4-3-3.
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,521 What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?
00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:08,981 Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car.
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,357 He should be here any second.
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,233 Dude, he got a lawyer!?
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,359 Sorry I'm late.
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,194 Dad?!
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,904 Oh, hi Kyle.
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:15,487 Alright, let's move this along, shall we?
00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,323 Now, Eric Cartman,
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,533 you claim that Stan Marsh has sexually harassed you in school.
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,826 That is correct, my Honor.
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,328 Oh, whatever.
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,538 He said talked about having oral sex with my ass.
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,081 I called you an ass-sucker!!
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,124 Yes, that was it.
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,542 I was so upset...
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,377 I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day.
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,171 And the way his eyes kept looking at me.
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,923 Slowly going up and down my body.
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,591 Like he was undressing me with his eyes.
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,134 What?!
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:37,968 Cartman, you call people names all the time!
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,178 As you can see, your Honor,
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,763 my client is too upset to continue.
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,264 Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,682 What do you mean?
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,475 I need to hear your defense.
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,311 Uh... I'm eight?
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,563 Alright, this seems pretty open and shut.
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,982 Stan Marsh under the new sexual harassment in schools law,
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,317 I am forced to find you guilty.
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,443 Huh!?
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,027 Alright, we did it!
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,904 Hooray!
00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,406 Since the defendant is under age and has no monetary resources,
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,866 it is the judgement of this court,
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,368 that 50 percent of Stan Marsh's belongings
00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:04,411 are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately.
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:05,788 I have to give him half my stuff?!
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:06,997 Sweet.
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,418 Let's see... I want that Climb Criminy game...
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,420 And that Power Jim doll...
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,673 And, let's see...
00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:17,633 Do you really like this remote controlled truck?
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,801 Yeah, dude, that's my favorite toy.
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,427 Oh, well I'll just take that then...
00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,721 And what about this?
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,223 Is this one of your favorites?
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,141 Uh, no, I hate that toy!
00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:28,811 Oh, then you don't mind if I take it.
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:29,895 Dammit!
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,397 Here you go, as your legal fee,
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:32,815 you can choose between the green choo-choo
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,233 or the squishy football.
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,652 Hmmm...
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,696 Y'know, Eric, I've been thinking...
00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:40,281 Uh-huh, that model airplane kit...
00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:41,949 Go on.
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,450 You know, the people really responsible
00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,119 for your harassment is the public schools.
00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:46,495 Perhaps we should sue them next.
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,414 Why should I sue the schools?
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:51,125 Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on,
00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,918 and they have a lot more money.
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,628 I think we could get a lot more out of this
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,171 than half of Stan's belongings.
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,673 Interesting...
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,300 Ooh, Stan's asthma inhaler!
00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:00,509 I want that!
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,594 Answer the question.
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,096 Did you know that sexual harassment
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,472 was going on in the classroom?
00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,266 No, I had no friggin' idea.
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:10,102 Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,937 Of course, and so does Mr. Hat!
00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,481 We do not tolerate sexual harassment!
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,817 <i>You</i> are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,110 I'm sorry, toots.
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,528 Did you or did you not
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,238 hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,072 Yes.
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,324 And you did nothing?
00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:24,616 He <i>is</i> a little ass-sucker.
00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,285 [all laughing]
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,996 Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!
00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,081 Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,294 Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?
00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,546 Well, not any more than any other student.
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,381 Oh, so you admit that harassment goes on?!
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,424 I don't know!
00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:41,592 You don't know?!
00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:42,676 You're the principal!!
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,261 I can't be around every second!
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,346 So it does go on!
00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:47,139 Alright, alright I killed him!
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,600 I hit him over the head and I cut up the body!
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:51,602 I tried to burn it but it wouldn't burn!
00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:53,145 Oh, the smell of it!
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,855 I put the legs in garbage bags
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,482 and hid the torso under a bridge.
00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:57,983 I had to do it!
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,902 Aaaggh!!
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,321 Oh God!
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,323 Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker?
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,908 Yes or no?
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,451 [sniffling] I believe so, yes.
00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:10,871 [gallery murmuring]
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,790 Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness,
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:15,167 Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,961 ♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,672 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,716 Expert witness, did South Park Elementary
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,718 allow sexual harassment to go on?
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,638 Well, when one little panda asks another little panda
00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,974 to perform oral sex... that is sexual harassment.
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,017 And who is to blame?
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,852 I'm afraid the law states
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,021 that the school must be held responsible.
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,356 There you have it!
00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,482 Straight from the horse's mouth!
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,316 Panda.
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,485 P-Panda's mouth.
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,320 After careful review, it is the judgement of this court
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,781 that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,117 1.3 million dollars in damages.
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,618 Alright! We did it, Eric!
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,038 ♪ Get down, get down and party... ♪
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:58,085 That goes in the master bedroom!
00:06:58,210 --> 00:07:00,045 Well Kyle, what do you think of your new house?
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,630 It's... big.
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:02,965 Yes, it is big, isn't it.
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,008 It is very... big.
00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:07,094 Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman 1.3 million dollars,
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:08,387 where does that money come from?
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,597 Well, Kyle, schools have lots of money.
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,307 You see, we all pay taxes,
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,351 and part of that tax money goes to public schools.
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:18,147 And it's from <i>that</i> money that we got our 1.3 million.
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,941 And you don't see a problem with that?
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,402 No, it's a very fragile system that nature has designed.
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,070 All things flow into each other.
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,114 You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:28,532 Sort of, yeah.
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,617 [bell rings]
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:33,370 Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school,
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,038 but lessons will go on as normal.
00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:36,707 Any questions?
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:39,501 Yes, Stan?
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,461 Where's our desks?
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,671 Right, desks...
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,173 Well, a lot of cuts had to be made
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,467 since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:47,885 You see, Cartman?!
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,052 You see what this has done?!
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,679 All I know is I got this sweet digital watch,
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,055 and these cool shoes...
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,183 I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass.
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,601 Wow, I wanna sue somebody!
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:56,852 Me too, I wanna get a lawyer!
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,437 [all] Yeah!
00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,230 Well, let's just try to cope with the changes
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,356 and do our school work.
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:02,858 Now, I'm going to write a sentence
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,486 and I want you to tell me the <i>noun...</i>
00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:07,321 [chalk squeaks]
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,906 [all] Agahaghhh!!
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,949 I know, I know. I'm sorry, children
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,826 but we can't afford chalk anymore.
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,287 I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail.
00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:19,208 Anyway, children, in the sentence "the ball is red"
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,125 [all] Aaaghhhh!!
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,129 Kids?
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,797 Are you tired of being harassed at school?
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,299 Sick of being called a "homo"?
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:28,467 A "farty pants"?
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,801 A "butt...
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,178 ...face"?
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,055 Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,517 close the lid on sexual harassment in school!
00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:38,519 After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth,
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,229 I knew I needed legal help...
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:43,357 Kyle's dad helped me get a 1.6 million dollar settlement
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,234 and this bright, new, shiny bicycle!
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,735 Thank you, Kyle's dad!
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:52,699 Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million and he can do it for you, too!
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,576 Just look at all these beautiful girls!
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,328 So call me, Kyle's dad!
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:59,206 Because it's not about money, it's about--
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,416 wait, what am I saying, call me!
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:02,709 ♪ Kids picking on you ♪
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:03,752 ♪ Well, don't be sad ♪
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,003 ♪ Just sue their asses ♪
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,338 ♪ With Kyle's dad ♪
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,217 Alright, what other cuts do we have to make
00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:11,468 to the school budget?
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,095 Uh, next we have Tom Morris,
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,472 he plays sexual harassment panda at the schools.
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,765 Oh, right.
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,767 We certainly can't afford him anymore.
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,728 I warn you, Mr. Evans, Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously.
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:25,232 Hello sexual harassment cubs!
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,151 ♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:30,779 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda! ♪
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,573 Uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,699 Who?
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:36,201 Uh... Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,953 Oh, alright!
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,290 Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking,
00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:44,459 And we've decided that perhaps a panda
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:49,506 isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children.
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:54,177 You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda
00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:58,473 doesn't really have anything to do with sexual harassment...
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,183 at all.
00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:03,186 I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:07,399 I'm a saaaaaaad panda.
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,652 Eric Cartman, it is the judgement of this court
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,779 that you sexually harassed Pip Phillip at school.
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:13,947 No way!
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,282 I won!
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,825 This is ridiculous!
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,869 You asked Pip to suck your... You know what.
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:20,579 You must give Pip half your stuff.
00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,998 And the school must give Pip 1.6 million dollars.
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:23,832 Oh dear God!
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:24,916 Wow, I'm good!
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,168 Next!
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,086 This girl touched my thigh.
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:29,212 Half her belongings,
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,672 school is sued for 2.1 million.
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,590 We're ruined!
00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:32,799 Next!
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,676 Uh, your honor, this young man
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,095 commented on the shape of my ass.
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:37,971 Agh!
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,056 Half his stuff.
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:39,765 Two million from the school.
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,266 Ahh!
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,269 Okay, children, let's all take our seats...
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,480 We have a lot to learn today.
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:51,193 Okay... uh, Clyde,
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,779 Can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?
00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:55,405 Um... - Don't answer that!
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,949 Uh, Craig how about you?
00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,826 Uh-huh... okay...
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,578 I refuse to answer on the grounds that
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,163 it may incinerate me.
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:03,997 Incriminate.
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,540 Incriminate.
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:06,917 Okay, children, I'm having a real problem
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,627 with you all having lawyers.
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,754 It is really disrupting class time.
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:15,258 Uh-huh...ri--oh, oh. I see. Oh, okay. Right.
00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,094 Kids, what I meant to say is that
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,929 I fully condone you all having lawyers
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:21,223 and support your legal recourses in every way.
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,767 Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant,
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,310 if that's okay with you.
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:26,895 Let's trade sandwiches.
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,605 Hello there, children!
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:29,564 [all] Hey, Chef.
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:30,065 How's it going?
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,400 Bad.
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,776 Well they're about to get worse.
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,236 All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,987 Lumpy potatoes?!
00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,698 Oh no!
00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:40,242 Sorry, children, all my funding's been cut.
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,451 Oh my God!
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,161 You guys have to do something!
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,330 Chef, how can we stop all these sexual <i>ass-ment</i> lawsuits?
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,581 I don't know, children.
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:47,541 Why don't you ask your dad?
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:48,750 He's a lawyer, ain't he?
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,210 I've tried talking to him,
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,420 but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop.
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:52,838 He's making too much money.
00:11:52,963 --> 00:11:54,131 Well, somebody else has got to know all about
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:55,590 this sexual harassment whosafudge!
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,175 Hey what about that stupid panda?!
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,844 Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:11:58,969 --> 00:11:59,803 He's the one that started all this!
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:00,762 We have to find him!
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,305 Well, I hope you do.
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:04,808 Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out.
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,518 Noooo!
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,520 That's thirty-two more sexual harassment lawsuits
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,688 in the past twenty-four hours.
00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:10,772 Oh my God!
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,149 Looks like we'll have to cut
00:12:12,274 --> 00:12:13,734 all counseling and nutrition programs.
00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,235 The children have started suing adults.
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,445 They could sue us next!
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,029 Holy smokes, you're right!
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,322 Excuse me, we'd like to speak with
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:20,657 Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:21,616 Agh!
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:22,993 Please, don't sue us!
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,327 Huh?
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,203 We'll give you anything you want!
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,496 We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,332 Oh no, uh... we had to let him go.
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:30,584 What?!
00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:31,585 Uh, I mean, he left.
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:32,627 Well, where is he?
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,171 We don't know, honestly!
00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,505 I swear it, please! Let us go!
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,007 What the hell is wrong with these people?!
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,342 Well, your credentials are very impressive,
00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:41,511 and you do seem to have a lot of ambition...
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,555 But I'm afraid there's no room for you
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,848 at our company at this time.
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:49,519 It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:52,689 Well, i-it is because you're a panda, eh--
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,316 It's because you're a "Sexual Harassment Panda".
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026 I can't help what I am.
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:57,861 Have you ever heard of a retreat called
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,696 the "Island of Misfit Mascots"?
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:03,492 Well, yes... but that place is for loser mascots
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,410 that make no sense.
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:08,205 Well, yes, they may be just what you're looking for.
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,248 I don't have to sit here and listen to this!
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:14,002 How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,963 As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state,
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,841 the mother of all trials is set to begin.
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:23,970 The sexual harassment case of <i>Everyone vs. Everyone</i> begins tomorrow.
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,264 No matter what the outcome,
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,392 the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping 30 million dollars.
00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,144 Representing the side of <i>Everyone,</i>
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,022 is Gerald Broflofski, the lawyer from South Park
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,024 who plans to make quite a commission.
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,443 Representing the side of <i>Everyone Else</i> is...
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,694 Gerald Broflofski!
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,321 So whatever the outcome,
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,949 things look very bright for Kyle's dad.
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,909 Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore,
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,828 taking advantage of everyone in town and--
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,914 this just in: newscaster Kevin McCarty
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,083 is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander!
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,335 The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment!
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:56,711 Wait--
00:13:56,837 --> 00:14:01,508 ♪ Some days just seem lonely ♪
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:06,763 ♪ Still there don't seem to be no end in sight... ♪♪
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,306 Another scotch?
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,855 Hey... Panda Bear!
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,025 We don't take kindly to your types in here.
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,944 Now, calm down, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,612 No!
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:26,533 I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here.
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:31,496 If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet,
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,582 how come you eat bamboo
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:38,211 which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,797 Skeeter, I don't want no trouble, now!
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,841 It's okay. I get it.
00:14:42,966 --> 00:14:46,011 There's no room in the world for pandas.
00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:48,305 Well, you don't have to worry about me,
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:52,309 I'm off to the "Island of Misfit Mascots".
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,272 Dammit, Skeeter, how come every time a panda bear come in here
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,691 you gotta go flappin' your jaw!
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,819 Well, what do you think, Kyle?
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,071 Dad, don't you think our last new house was big enough?
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,907 Well... this one is bigger!
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,825 Tomorrow's trial, <i>Everyone vs. Everyone,</i>
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:09,993 is going to make things a lot worse.
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,244 We have to stop it.
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:12,913 Kyle, let me explain something to you.
00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,581 Oh God, here we go.
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,666 You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society.
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:19,002 And democrats make sexual harassment laws.
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:21,880 These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace.
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,840 And what we can and can't <i>do</i> in the workplace.
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,258 Isn't that fascism?
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,843 No, because we don't call it fascism.
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,929 Do you understand?
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,805 Do you?
00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:32,515 Just look at how big this house is, Kyle.
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:33,975 Just look at it.
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,101 Excuse me.
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,519 Yeah, what can I do for you?
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:37,896 Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,190 Big panda bear, Big panda bear...
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:42,817 Hey, eight-year-olds!
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,695 We don't take kindly to your types in here.
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,156 Now calm down, Skeeter, they ain't hurtin' nobody.
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,867 No, I wanna know something from
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,370 Mr. "I'm Eight Years Old" here,
00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,206 how come you "types" are always wearin'
00:15:56,331 --> 00:16:00,585 them funny padded shirts in the winter?
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,921 Coats?
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,506 Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,050 We don't take kindly to your types 'round here!
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,259 Dude, what the hell is going on?
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,762 Did you guys see a big panda bear in here or not?
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,098 We don't take kindly to panda bears!
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,683 Well we don't take kindly to <i>you</i>!
00:16:14,808 --> 00:16:16,393 We don't take kindly to folks
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,145 that don't take kindly 'round here.
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,482 Kids, there <i>was</i> a panda bear in here.
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,859 He said something about "The Island of Misfit Mascots".
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,528 Where's that?
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,655 If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkin's place.
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,490 Come on, we better hurry!
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,950 Whoa, look at her!
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,828 Hey, beautiful woman!
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,832 We don't take kindly to your types 'round here.
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:41,001 Now, Skeeter, she ain't hurtin' nobody!
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:47,507 This is case number 47-G, <i>Everyone vs. Everyone.</i>
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,426 [all yelling]
00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:52,637 Representing the side of everyone is Gerald Broflofski.
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:53,930 Thank you, your Honor.
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,140 Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury...
00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,100 <i>Everyone</i> has committed a crime here,
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,477 and <i>everyone</i> must pay for that crime.
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,855 My client, <i>Everyone,</i> has been hurt by this crime
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,898 and must be compensated.
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,735 "Island of Misfit Mascots Commune."
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:07,986 This must be the place.
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,320 Hello there, boys.
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:11,031 Whoa, who are you?
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,867 I'm Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm.
00:17:13,992 --> 00:17:17,120 Now you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,663 [all] Yes.
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:21,624 That can burn your retinas and make you blind.
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:23,460 Thanks a lot, dude.
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,836 Oink, oink!
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,254 Be sure you run around with scissors,
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,049 says Oinky, the Run Around With Scissors Pig!
00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:31,468 I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,928 That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots.
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:34,929 Have you seen any panda bears?
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,723 Hmmm...
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:40,268 Hey kids, I'm Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,729 While Someone Else Uses a Fan Nearby, Falcon.
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:43,813 What?
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:45,690 Here, watch!
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:52,947 Mprhhh, ahhhhhh!
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,283 See?!
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,076 Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,160 You bastard!
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,787 Hey, there he is!
00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:01,331 ♪ Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? ♪
00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:04,042 ♪ Sexual Harassment Panda ♪
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,585 Dude, are we glad to find you!
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:06,294 You have to come back to South Park, quick!
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,962 Why?
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,339 Because everyone is suing everyone else
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,215 and you're pretty much the cause of it all.
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,801 Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,969 Hello kids, I'm Hoppy
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:18,723 the Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear Badger.
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,063 Well. I'll leave now.
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,315 Please, Sexual Harassment Panda, people listen to you.
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,775 You have to get them to stop suing each other.
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,735 But I'm just a panda.
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,070 No you're not, dude!
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,030 You're a guy in a panda costume!
00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:38,660 Hey, I am a real worm, pal!
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,745 Okay. Sorry, sorry.
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:41,830 Y-You're a real worm.
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:42,872 T-That's cool, that's cool.
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,040 Okay, you <i>are</i> a panda.
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,333 But being Sexual Harassment Panda
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,626 isn't helping anyone right now.
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,044 You used to use your panda powers
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,170 to teach people about sexual harassment.
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:50,755 But now you need to teach a new message,
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,590 a new message that people will find useful again.
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,634 What message?
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,469 That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:00,306 You know, you little cubs might just be right.
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:01,349 Yeah.
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,600 Okay!
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:06,354 Your Honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments--
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,480 Wait!
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,357 Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:13,153 No, he's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say...
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:17,657 Hello everyone, I'm Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda.
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:18,908 "Don't Sue People Panda"?
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,244 Hey, we don't take kindly
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:24,205 to folks that don't sue people 'round here.
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,374 Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,876 Listen to me.
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,211 When you sue somebody it hurts everyone.
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,754 You sue for money,
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,965 but where do you think that money comes from?
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:38,928 From the schools, from taxes, from the state... from you.
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,849 There's no such thing as free money.
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:46,394 When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks,
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,022 and schools and charities and put it in your own pockets.
00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:53,193 And that makes me a saaaad panda.
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,574 I'm a sad panda, too.
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,409 I'm a <i>really</i> sad panda.
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,703 I didn't know we were doing all that damage.
00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,538 This is all that damn lawyer's fault!
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:08,082 Yeah, let's sue the lawyer!
00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,167 [all] Yeah!
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:10,835 No! Don't you see?
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,212 The panda is right!
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,714 Boy, what a great message he has.
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,966 When you sue people, you just end up causing
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,885 a lot of problems for society!
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,179 I've really learned something today.
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,473 All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me,
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,850 and I didn't care about where the money came from.
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:29,145 Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools.
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,231 They're too vague and too easily corruptible.
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,815 Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,234 Don't Sue People Panda.
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,735 Yeah, well, whatever.
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,695 So, let's not sue anyone again.
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,863 Okay, come on guys,
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,198 let's go get some ice cream!
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,616 [all] Hooray!
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,452 Pandas love ice cream!
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:45,954 Well, seeing as we have no lawyers.
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,247 I'm throwing the case out.
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:48,331 Case dismissed!
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,166 Hey!
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:53,086 We don't take kindly to cases being dismissed 'round here.
00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:54,587 Goddamnit Skeeter, shut the hell up.
00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:58,007 Hello, cubs!
00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,884 I'm "Don't Sue People Panda"
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,303 with an important message for you!
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,639 Lawsuits damage our society.
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,683 I know it's tempting to make money,
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:10,520 but just remember, that money has to come from somewhere.
00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:13,982 And usually it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people!
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733 So until next time,
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:18,861 don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,488 ruin our schools!
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,532 Goodbye now!

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