Суккуб

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Тебе надо к офтальмологу, Эрик.

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Ненавижу офтальмолога.

Он всё время говорит, что я жирный.

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Ты не жирный, просто у тебя кость широкая.

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Я ему и говорю, а он не понимает.

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Эрик Картман.

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Блин...

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Привет, Эрик!

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Привет, д-р Лотт.

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Как поживает наш поросёночек?

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Эй, не называйте меня поросёночком!

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Ты же мой приятель.

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Я здесь для обследования, понятно?

Шуточки про жир оставьте при себе!

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Залезай на стул. Только не сломай!

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Твою мать!

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Шучу. Давай проверим глаза.

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Видишь буквы?

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Да.

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Хорошо, читай.

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Я... маленький

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...поросёночек...

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Ну всё! Мааам!

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Нет-нет. Это просто совпадение. Ума не

приложу, как это произошло.

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"Я маленький поросёночек". Кто бы мог

подумать! Ладно, перейдём к делу.

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Отличная идея!

Моя мама платит не за ваши шутки!

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Так, один или два? Один или два?

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Они одинаковые.

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Просто выбери один. Или два?

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Не знаю! Два!

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ОК. Один или два? Один или два?

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Э... один

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Один или два? Один или два?

00:01:43,850 --> 00:01:44,600

Два!

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Нет! Правильный ответ -

один, поросёнок! Один!

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Ааа! Я тебя ненавижу!

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Да, у тебя явно проблемы с глазами.

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Я расширю тебе зрачки

и проведу обследование.

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Интересно, почему Картман

сегодня не в школе?

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Ага. Он даже, когда прогуливает,

приходит на обед.

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Точно. А вот и он!

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Привет, пацаны.

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Что с твоими глазами, Картман?

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Доктор мне их закапал.

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Зачем?

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Зачем? Я скажу вам, зачем!

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Потому что он - проклятый мудак!

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А зачем ты ходил к доктору?

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У меня какая-то херня с глазами.

Доктор оказался садистом.

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Мне придётся опять идти к нему

завтра, и я не знаю, что делать.

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Чувак, спроси Шефа.

Он всегда знает, что делать.

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Точно!

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Привет, Шеф!

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Привет, дети.

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Чуваки, у меня точно испортилось зрение.

Шеф выглядит тощим белым парнем.

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Пора обедать.

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А где Шеф?

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Шеф уволился.

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Что?!

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Шефа больше нет. Разрешите представиться -

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я ваш новый повар, мистер Дюрп!

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Мистер Дюрп?

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Когда я на кухне, никогда не знаешь,

какие безумные вещи могут произойти.

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Если вам нравится Шеф,

то вы меня полюбите.

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Ооо! Дюрп!

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Правда, это было глупо, ребята?

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Почему Шеф уволился?

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Разве я не великолепен?

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Что-то мне нехорошо.

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Дюрп!

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Не могли бы вы просто дать нам обед?

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Конечно, парни!

Есть жёлтая фигня и белая фигня. Дюрп!

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Можно мне жёлтой фигни и половинку белой?

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Ненавижу мистера Дюрпа!

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Да! После школы надо поговорить

с Шефом, чтобы он вернулся.

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Не знаю, пацаны. Та шутка с молотком

была довольно смешной.

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Заткнись, Картман!

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О, привет, дети!

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Шеф, какого чёрта ты делаешь? Мы сегодня

чуть не умерли с голоду за обедом.

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Разве вам не сказали? Я уволился.

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Да, но мы не поверили.

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Ну, это правда.

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Но почему? Почему ты уволился?

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Три ночи назад я ходил

в библиотеку почитать Камасутру

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и там я встретил потрясающую женщину.

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Она знает так много вещей. Она

действительно заставила меня задуматься.

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В конце концов, мы пришли ко

мне домой и действительно "подружились".

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Так вы занимались с ней

любовью на полу у камина?

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Нет, мы просто сидели всю

ночь и... разговаривали.

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Разговаривали?!

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Да. Она рассказала мне о богине, и том,

как мужчины долгие годы угнетали женщин

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и видели в них только сексуальные

объекты, и я понял, что сам так поступал.

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Ах, какие милые детки!

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Вот она, дети.

Знакомьтесь, моя новая подруга Вероника.

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Очень мило. Слушай, Шеф,

Картман ходил к врачу и он...

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ПОДРУГА?

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Дети, Вероника переезжает ко мне.

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Переезжает?!

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Я влюблён.

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Влюблён?!

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О, мой рыцарь.

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Какого чёрта здесь происходит?

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Вероника целый день рассказывала

мне её любимые стихи.

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Извините, мальчики, похоже, что

я похитила вашего друга.

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Но Шеф всегда нам помогал.

Если у нас были проблемы, он

пел, и всё становилось лучше.

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Ну, я всё ещё могу спеть вам.

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А Вероника мне поможет.

Она ещё и отличная певица.

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В чём проблема?

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У меня плохо с глазами, а единственный

офтальмолог в Саут Парке - дерьмо.

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О, я как раз знаю подходящую песню.

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Наступит утро

Если мы продержимся ночь

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У нас есть шанс найти свет

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Продолжим искать свет

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Ну и бред.

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Ну и сука!

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Он украла у нас Шефа.

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Он даже сам на себя не похож.

Он похож на пустую оболочку человека.

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Может, это - просто

переходный возраст?

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Нужно остаться с ним наедине и

рассказать, какая она сука.

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Подождите, пацаны. Может быть, мы просто

ревнуем, потому что Шеф - наш друг,

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а теперь он уделяет внимание

кому-то другому?

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Ну, и что теперь?

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Да, пошла эта сука на х*й.

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Сука, ненавижу эту суку.

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Слушайте, надо застать Шефа одного.

Он не будет слушать, пока эта блядь рядом.

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Давайте узнаем, где он работает,

и сходим к нему завтра.

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Хорошая идея.

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Итак, результаты обследования

готовы, поросёнок.

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Прекратите называть меня поросёнком!

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У тебя небольшой астигматизм,

из-за которого все проблемы.

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И что это означает?

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Это означает, поросёнок, что твоё

зрение уже никогда не улучшится.

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Слушай, я говорю совершенно серьёзно,

чувак. Ясно? Если ты ещё раз назовёшь меня

00:06:02,135 --> 00:06:06,100

поросёнком, я спрыгну со стула и

оторву твои чёртовы яйца голыми руками!

00:06:06,350 --> 00:06:09,600

Хорошо, не волнуйся. У меня есть

кое-что - твои глаза будут как новые.

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Блин! Суперхреново!

Я это не надену, ребята меня засмеют.

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Знаю, самое сложное -

заставить ребёнка носить очки.

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Я сниму их, как только выйду отсюда.

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Вот почему у нас есть маленький степлер.

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Сукин сын!

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Говорят, Шеф работает где-то здесь.

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Привет, чуваки.

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Ха-ха-ха! Посмотрите на Картмана

и его идиотские очки.

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Чувак, просто сними их.

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Не могу! Они пришпилены к голове!

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Я ненавижу вас, пацаны.

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Добро пожаловать в Steinburg & Burgstein.

Чем я могу помочь?

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Мы хотим поговорить с Шефом.

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С Шефом?

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Большой парень, с бородой.

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И в поварском колпаке.

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(И с огромным членом).

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А, тот чёрный парень!

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Что?

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Третья кабинка налево.

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Эй! Это не ты, снимался в

"Джерри Магуайар"?

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Да, конечно-конечно.

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Как ты разжирел.

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Эй!

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Привет, дети.

00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:08,600

Привет, Шеф.

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Эрик, ты носишь очки?

00:07:10,350 --> 00:07:11,850

Шеф, ты должен бросить эту суку.

00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:12,350

Что?

00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,350

Ты нужен нам, Шеф.

00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:19,100

Эй, Шеф-о, мы собираемся на склад

за чехлами для пейджеров, ты с нами?

00:07:19,350 --> 00:07:19,850

Ещё бы!

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Шеф, тебе здесь не место.

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Дети, Вероника показала мне,

что я жил пустой жизнью.

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Бессмысленный секс хорош в

двадцать или тридцать, но не позже.

00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,100

Но она нам не нравится!

00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:30,850

Почему?

00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,350

Не знаю. Просто так.

00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:37,850

Дети, друзья всегда заводят подружек.

Даже вы с этим когда-нибудь столкнётесь.

00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:38,850

Ни за что!

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Пожалуйста, Шеф! Я не знаю что

мне делать с этими дурацкими очками.

00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:44,100

Это не проблема. Сделай лазерную

коррекцию. Я себе сделал.

00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,600

Эй, лазерная коррекция! Спасибо, Шеф!

00:07:46,850 --> 00:07:50,600

Видите? Всё будет хорошо!

Сыграем в мяч после работы?

00:07:50,850 --> 00:07:51,600

Окей!

00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,100

Шеф будет с минуты на минуту.

00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:06,100

Он забил на нас.

00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,100

Я не могу в это поверить!

00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:08,850

Пойдём к нему!

00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,850

Привет, дети.

00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,600

Ну всё, мистер! Надеюсь, у вас есть

причина, почему вы не пришли играть в мяч!

00:08:18,850 --> 00:08:21,100

О, извините, дети. Я забыл.

00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:22,100

Ты забыл!

00:08:22,350 --> 00:08:25,850

Вероника внезапно пришла ко мне в

офис и мы пошли ужинать. Она потрясающая.

00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,100

Мы должны кое-что рассказать

тебе о Веронике.

00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:29,850

Привет, дети.

00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:32,100

Мэм, у нас здесь мужской разговор,

если вы не против.

00:08:32,350 --> 00:08:36,600

Дети, у меня для вас отличные новости.

Мы с Вероникой женимся.

00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,850

О нет! Нет-нет-нет-нет!

00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,850

На свадьбу приедет вся моя семья.

И вы тоже приходите.

00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:46,100

Это так замечательно! Давайте споём!

00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:05,990

Дети, вот что вы должны знать о

"Фактах жизни". Давайте повторим.

00:09:05,991 --> 00:09:09,240

Тути выбыла в четвёртом сезоне, но Блэр

и Джо остались и вышли замуж,

00:09:09,275 --> 00:09:14,240

из-за чего пятый и шестой

сезон стали тупыми.

00:09:14,275 --> 00:09:17,490

Обед. Увидимся через полчаса.

00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,240

Мистер Гаррисон, мы можем с вами поговорить?

00:09:19,490 --> 00:09:19,990

Конечно.

00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,240

Обычно мы просим совета у Шефа,

но в этот раз мы не можем.

00:09:22,490 --> 00:09:25,990

Я - ваш учитель. Думаю, мои советы

будут так же ценны, если не больше.

00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,615

Хорошо, мистер Гаррисон, был ли у вас

друг, который нашёл новую подругу и

00:09:30,616 --> 00:09:32,990

перестал быть вашим другом,

и это бы вас бесило?

00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,990

А, синдром суккуба.

00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,240

Что такое суккуб?

00:09:36,490 --> 00:09:39,490

Женщина из ада,

высасывающая жизнь из мужчины.

00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:40,240

Точно!

00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:40,740

Да!

00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:44,740

С суккубом ничего не поделаешь. Злой

властью он ослепляет мужчину любовью.

00:09:44,990 --> 00:09:46,240

Именно это и происходит!

00:09:46,490 --> 00:09:47,740

Вау, вы - умный, мистер Гаррисон.

00:09:47,990 --> 00:09:50,615

Да, вот что я вас скажу

- женщины могут убить.

00:09:50,616 --> 00:09:53,240

Вот почему когда дело касается

тёлок, я просто трахаю их и бросаю.

00:09:53,275 --> 00:09:56,490

Я говорю: "Проваливай из моей спальни,

шлюха, пока ты не высосала из меня жизнь!"

00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:57,740

Спасибо, мистер Гаррисон!

00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:03,990

Не за что, дети. Ты никого не

обманешь! Заткнись, мистер Шляпа!

00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,740

Пойдём, парни! Расскажем Шефу,

что он влюбился в суккуба.

00:10:06,990 --> 00:10:08,240

Да! Он будет нам так благодарен.

00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,990

Вот ты где, Эрик!

Пойдём, нам надо к глазному.

00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,240

О, нет!

00:10:13,490 --> 00:10:16,240

Так ты хочешь лазерную коррекцию или нет?

00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:17,990

Да, но, может, подождём до завтра?

00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:18,990

Нет, сладкий.

00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:23,240

Но мааам! Я должен сказать Шефу,

что он женится на суккубе!

00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,240

Привет, дети.

00:10:29,490 --> 00:10:29,990

Вы - кто?

00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,240

Я - отец Шефа.

Мы только что прилетели на свадьбу.

00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,240

О, привет! А Шеф здесь?

У нас к нему разговор.

00:10:34,490 --> 00:10:35,490

Заходите.

00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:36,240

Вот он!

00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:38,740

Шеф, нам надо поговорить!

00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:42,240

Не сейчас, дети! Мне нужно подогнать

брюки под мою задницу. Никуда не уходите.

00:10:49,490 --> 00:10:51,990

Правда, чертовски симпатичные сорванцы?

00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,240

Вы - родители Шефа?

00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:54,490

Да, всю его жизнь.

00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:55,490

У нас к нему разговор.

00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:57,740

Он вот-вот выйдет.

00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:00,490

Он так взволнован по поводу свадьбы.

00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:04,990

Рассказать вам, как мы встретили

Лохнесское чудовище?

00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:05,990

Не стоит.

00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,227

О, это было семь или

восемь лет тому назад.

00:11:09,228 --> 00:11:12,215

Мы с моей маленькой леди были на лодке

00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:15,220

Одни, ночью. И тут гигантский змей,

00:11:15,221 --> 00:11:18,190

монстр из палеолита

вылезает прямо из воды.

00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,906

Как же мы испугались.

00:11:19,907 --> 00:11:23,240

Я вскочила на ноги и закричала:

"Томас, что это за штука?"

00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:26,240

А он смотрел на нас красными глазами.

00:11:26,490 --> 00:11:27,390

Какой ужас.

00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:31,240

А я как закричу: "Чего ты хочешь, монстр?"

00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:34,740

А монстр нагнулся и говорит: "Дай три-писят"

00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:37,740

Три-писят?

00:11:38,090 --> 00:11:39,240

Три доллара и пятьдесят центов.

00:11:39,390 --> 00:11:40,190

Три-писят.

00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:40,990

Деньги?

00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:47,240

Точно. А я ему говорю:

"Не дам я тебе три-писят, сам заработай!"

00:11:47,390 --> 00:11:48,390

Я дала ему доллар.

00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:49,690

Она дала ему доллар.

00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,990

Я думала, он уплывёт, если я дам ему доллар.

00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,865

Конечно никуда он не уплывёт, Нелли!

00:11:54,866 --> 00:11:57,490

Дай ему доллар - он решит,

что у тебя есть ещё.

00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:03,240

Окей, начнём. Ты на липосакцию, верно?

00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:05,090

Эй! Ты сукин сын.

00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,240

Хорошо. Сделаем маленькому

поросёнку коррекцию.

00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:13,140

Сукин сын, я тебе щас по яйцам напинаю...

00:12:13,141 --> 00:12:15,090

Я сейчас...

00:12:15,490 --> 00:12:17,690

Спорим, его мама тоже бы так хотела.

00:12:19,420 --> 00:12:21,880

И так мы встретили лохнесское

чудовище в третий раз.

00:12:21,881 --> 00:12:24,340

А потом, это было в июле...

00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:25,240

Августе.

00:12:25,390 --> 00:12:29,240

...августе. Стук в дверь. Открываю, а там

стоит маленькая милая гёрлскаут...

00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:32,240

Такая милая, с косичками.

00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:34,740

...и она мне говорит: "Не желаете ли

купить немного печенья?"

00:12:34,741 --> 00:12:36,990

Я говорю: "А какие у тебя есть?"

00:12:37,025 --> 00:12:39,240

У неё были с мятой, крекеры...

00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:40,490

Овсяное с изюмом.

00:12:40,740 --> 00:12:44,620

...с изюмом. Я говорю:

"Я возьму крекеры. Сколько с меня?"

00:12:44,621 --> 00:12:48,500

А она смотрит на меня

и говорит: "Три-писят."

00:12:48,590 --> 00:12:49,640

Три-писят

00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:55,490

Тут я заметил, что девочка

высотой с восьмиэтажный дом

00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,740

и прямо из палеозоя.

00:12:57,990 --> 00:12:59,240

Лохнесское чудовище.

00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:02,940

Я говорю: "Проклятое чудовище!

Проваливай с моего газона!

00:13:02,941 --> 00:13:06,490

Не дам я тебе три-писят!"

Оно говорит: "Ну хоть два-писят"

00:13:06,525 --> 00:13:10,490

Я говорю: "О, теперь только два-писят!

У вас там в Лох-Нессе распродажа?"

00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:11,740

Боже, как он был сердит.

00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:13,090

Чертовски верно, как я был сердит!

00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,390

Не ты, а монстр.

Он хотел надрать тебе задницу.

00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:16,990

Закрой свой рот, женщина!

00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,740

Не могли бы вы просто

сказать Шефу, что мы пришли?

00:13:18,990 --> 00:13:22,740

Конечно. Дурацкий монстр.

Ну а в четвёртый раз я увидел...

00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:28,090

Картман, что с тобой?

00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:32,240

Говнюк-доктор сделал мне операцию,

и мне надо носить повязку три дня.

00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:33,890

Чёрт, твои глаза действительно

отсосные, Картман.

00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,240

Спасибо за новую шутку, Tom Brokaw!

Что с Шефом? Сказали ему, что она - суккуб?

00:13:37,490 --> 00:13:40,740

Не вышло. Она такая противная.

Она не пускает нас к Шефу.

00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,490

Эрик, к тебе пришли? Впустить?

00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:44,740

Давай.

00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:50,540

Привет, мальчики. Я слышала, что Эрику

сделали операцию, и испекла для него пирог.

00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:51,990

Ааа! Это суккуб!

00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:52,990

Что?

00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,240

Мы знаем, кто вы такая, дама!

00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:56,240

Да! Вы - кровожадный суккуб!

00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:57,240

Кто?

00:13:57,490 --> 00:13:59,490

Демон, посланный из ада, чтобы

высасывать жизнь из мужчин.

00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:03,240

Мальчики, вы знаете, как глупо это звучит?

00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:05,740

Ну, вы забираете у нас Шефа.

00:14:05,990 --> 00:14:09,740

Мальчики, я всё объясню.

Шеф ваш друг, но он - взрослый мужчина.

00:14:09,741 --> 00:14:13,490

Ему нужно кое-что,

что вы не можете ему дать.

00:14:13,525 --> 00:14:16,932

Он хочет жить со мной, потому что

со мной он счастлив.

00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:20,340

Понимаете?

00:14:20,540 --> 00:14:21,340

Наверное.

00:14:21,490 --> 00:14:28,240

Хорошо. И ещё, мальчики.

Завтра я выхожу замуж за Шефа

00:14:28,275 --> 00:14:32,740

и ни хрена вы с этим не поделаете!

00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,540

Ку-ку!

00:14:36,990 --> 00:14:37,740

Господи!

00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,240

Что случилось?

00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,250

Прошу внимания.

Завтра мой сын женится

00:14:47,251 --> 00:14:50,250

на прекрасной женщине.

И я счастлив за них.

00:14:50,285 --> 00:14:54,500

Ну вот! Я же говорил, что расплачусь.

00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:55,750

Всё в порядке, папа.

00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,750

Из-за тебя я сейчас тоже расплачусь.

00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:04,625

Помню, было Шефу три года. Прибегает он

как-то ко мне с большой улыбкой и

00:15:04,626 --> 00:15:09,750

маленьком поварском колпаке и говорит:

"Папа, папа!" Я ему: "Что, сын?"

00:15:09,755 --> 00:15:11,285

Он говорит: "Дай три-писят. "

00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:12,750

Три-писят.

00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:19,875

Тут я призадумался. Я говорю:

"Зачем тебе три-писят?"

00:15:19,876 --> 00:15:22,100

Он говорит: "Для моего воображаемого

друга динозавра Гу-гу".

00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,785

Я пошёл в комнату сына, и там,

конечно, было лохнесское чудовище.

00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,000

Было так страшно.

00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:33,250

Я говорю: "Твою мать, монстр!

Отвали от моего ребёнка!

00:15:33,285 --> 00:15:35,250

Мы эти деньги зарабатываем

и тебе не отдадим!"

00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:38,250

Извините, что прерываем,

но у нас плохие новости.

00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:42,050

Это - не женщина! Это - суккуб!

00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:42,900

Что?

00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:45,250

Она плохая, она собирается

высосать из Шефа жизнь.

00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,250

Дети, мне так больно.

00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,250

Можешь притворятся! Ты никого не обманешь!

00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:55,300

Всё, парни! Хватит!

Это - лучший день моей жизни,

00:15:55,301 --> 00:15:59,050

а вы даже не можете

порадоваться за меня.

00:15:59,150 --> 00:15:59,550

Но, Шеф...

00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:02,575

Никаких но, Стэн!

Я люблю эту женщину и

00:16:02,576 --> 00:16:05,500

я женюсь на ней. Смиритесь с

этим или убирайтесь из моей жизни.

00:16:05,535 --> 00:16:08,500

А теперь, с вашего позволения,

у нас вечеринка.

00:16:08,950 --> 00:16:11,550

И тут я погнался за монстром по улице...

00:16:11,750 --> 00:16:14,250

Ничего не поделаешь.

Её он любит больше, чем нас.

00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:18,250

Нет! Я не собираюсь сдаваться!

Шеф бы на нашем месте не сдался.

00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:22,250

Чёрт! Куча всего о суккубах и

ни слова о том, как их остановить.

00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:25,250

Парни, шесть утра. Мне пора спать.

00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:29,000

Чувак! Свадьба через три часа.

Надо выяснить, как уничтожить суккуба.

00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:34,000

Знаете что? В жопу Шефа. Пусть женится

на суккубе. А я хочу спать.

00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:41,000

Вот, смотрите! "Суккуб очаровывает

жертву жуткой мелодией. В ней его сила.

00:16:41,035 --> 00:16:44,250

Только сыграв эту мелодию наоборот

можно победить суккуба."

00:16:44,350 --> 00:16:45,250

Ну, и что это значит?

00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:46,050

Не знаю.

00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:53,950

Точно.

00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,050

Ага.

00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:00,850

Ого!

00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:05,250

Да! Что она обычно поёт?

00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:13,100

Точно! Мы должны выучить песню наоборот.

00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,050

За три часа.

00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:20,350

Чёрт, глаза слипаются.

00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:25,550

Нам нельзя спать. Мы должны спеть песню.

Картман, магнитофон у тебя?

00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,000

Он спит. Вставай, жиртрест!

00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:28,000

Что-что-что?

00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:28,950

Твою мать! Не спи.

00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:31,000

Я не спал. Я просто задумался.

00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,125

А потом пришельцы забрали

меня на свой корабль.

00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:35,000

Они вставляли мне зонд и всё такое.

00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:36,250

В тот вечер мы ели салат из тако.

00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:39,625

Не важно, женщина! У пришельца

была большая голова

00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:42,750

и большие чёрные глаза.

Он склонился надо мной.

00:17:42,785 --> 00:17:46,050

Я говорю: "Что тебе надо, пришелец?"

И знаете, что он сказал?

00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:47,000

Три-писят.

00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,207

Дай мне рассказать чёртову историю!

00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:53,215

Он сказал "три-писят."

00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,250

И тут я понял, что это был не пришелец.

Это проклятое лохнесское чудовище

00:17:55,251 --> 00:17:57,250

пыталось выманить у меня три-писят,

переодевшись пришельцем. Каково?

00:17:59,350 --> 00:18:01,750

Я же заплатила ему за неделю до того.

00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,250

Что? Ты дала монстру чёртовы три-писят?

00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,250

Он меня обманул.

00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:10,250

Не удивительно, что монстр к нам приходит!

Ты даёшь ему три-писят!

00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,250

Вот она!

00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,250

Сука! Грязная сука!

00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,250

Всё, мы с Кайлом занимаем нашу позицию.

00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,000

Давайте.

00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:31,250

Шеф, берёшь ли ты эту

женщину в жёны, чтобы...

00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,150

Беру!

00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,750

О, мой малыш женится!

00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,150

А ты, Вероника, берёшь Шефа в папочки?

00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,000

Беру.

00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,500

А теперь, песенная клятва.

00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:41,750

За дело!

00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,250

Давай, Картман!

00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:50,350

Давай, Картман!

00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000

Дети, вы обосрали мою свадьбу!

00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:57,500

Я ими займусь.

00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,750

Картман! Проснись, жирный кусок дерьма!

00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:13,750

Что за...?

00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,250

Плёнку зажевало!

00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:24,650

Что за...?

00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,250

Это же - проклятый суккуб!

00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:28,250

Суккуб хочет забрать моего сыночка!

00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:34,550

Давай, Картман!

00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,250

Я ничего не вижу!

00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:39,050

Боже мой! Она убила Кенни!

00:19:39,250 --> 00:19:40,050

Сволочь!

00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:42,450

Чёртов монстр, отстань от моего ребёнка!

00:19:42,550 --> 00:19:45,250

Подождите, может у меня есть три-писят.

00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:46,850

Есть!

00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:06,250

Ух ты! Такое не каждый день увидишь.

00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,000

Прости Шеф, но мы должны были это сделать.

00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:13,750

Нет, спасибо за то, что вы сделали.

00:20:13,751 --> 00:20:17,250

Теперь я сам не понимаю,

что я в ней нашёл.

00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,150

Шлюха и есть шлюха.

00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:21,250

Пойдём дети, съедим мороженого.

00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:22,250

Ура!

00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,250

Что случилось, пацаны? Кенни в порядке?

00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,450

Привет, дети.

00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,200

Привет, шеф.

00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,450

Хотите рыбных палочек?

00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:35,300

С удовольствием!

00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,400

Здорово, что ты вернулся.

00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,965

Знаете, сегодня я многое понял.

00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,600

Иногда ты влюбляешься и

думаешь, что это - навсегда

00:20:43,601 --> 00:20:47,200

Меняешь свою жизнь и забываешь друзей

00:20:47,235 --> 00:20:50,700

Но потом любовь уходит, неважно почему

00:20:50,701 --> 00:20:54,165

И ты остаёшься ни с чем

00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,100

Берегись любви! Она

разрушительна как тайфун!

00:20:58,101 --> 00:21:02,000

Просто не суетись и не будь дураком

00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,200

И не никогда не позволяй шлюхам

вставать между тобой и твоими друзьями.

00:21:06,950 --> 00:21:08,200

Чертовски верно, Гаррисон!

00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,950

Привет, поросёночек! Как твои глаза?

00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:17,450

Сегодня всё станет хорошо,

и я вас никогда больше не увижу!

00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,200

Не думаю, что это возможно

с твоими глазами, поросёночек.

00:21:20,450 --> 00:21:24,450

Нет, не с моими глазами. С этими!

00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:25,650

Он был донором?

00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:26,450

Точно.

00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:29,350

Тогда за работу.

00:21:29,351 --> 00:21:32,200

Кстати, у тебя не найдётся три-писят?

00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,700

Тайминг: kiriadam

(www.divxsubtitles.net)

00:21:35,701 --> 00:21:38,200

Перевод: Ren-TV, Herbert West

и немного MTV;)

00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:45,202

27 марта 2006 года

HerbertWest@yandex.ru

southpark.org.ru

00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,514

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,307

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:16,976

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,269

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,146

♪ Gonna leave my

woe's behind ♪

00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:21,814

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,441

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:24,859

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,694

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,490

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,075

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:39,248

Mom, please,

can we just leave?

00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,125

You have to see

the eye doctor, Eric.

00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,668

But I hate

the eye doctor.

00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,295

He's always making

fun of me for being fat.

00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,630

You're not fat.

You're big-boned!

00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,591

That's what I told him

but he doesn't listen

to reason.

00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,301

Eric Cartman?

00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:51,927

Oh, weak.

00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,054

Hello Eric.

00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,305

Hi, Doctor Lott.

00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,514

How's my

little piggy, today?

00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,349

Hey, don't call me

"little piggy"!

00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,393

I just say that because

you're my little buddy.

00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:00,561

I'm just here

for an eye exam

00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:01,896

keep your fat jokes

to yourself!

00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:03,105

Hop up on

the chair.

00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,023

Don't break it, now.

00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,900

Goddamn it!

00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,526

Just kidding,

let's see how

your eyes are doing.

00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:08,861

All you have to do is

read the letters.

00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:09,904

Can you see

the letters?

00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,155

Yes.

00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,031

Read them

out for me.

00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:15,576

I-am-a-little-piggy.

00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:16,619

Hey!

- Ha ha ha!

00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,287

That does it!

Mom!

00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,747

No no, that's just a

weird coincidence.

00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,499

I do not know

how that happened.

00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:23,667

"I am a little piggy,"

what are the

odds of that!

00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,961

Alright, let's get down

to business, shall we?

00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:27,505

Gee that's a good idea.

00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:29,215

My mom isn't paying you

to be a comedian.

00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,383

Hmmm, let's see,

which is better,

1 or 2?

00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,761

They look exactly the same!

00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:34,929

Just pick one--

or 2?

00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,764

I dunno-2.

00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,723

Okay.

00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,934

1 or 2?

1 or 2?

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:41,143

Uh, 1.

00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,229

1 or 2?

1 or 2?

00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:44,438

2!

00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,524

No! The answer is

1, piggy, 1!

00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,109

Ooww, I hate you!

00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:49,944

Yes, there's obviously

a problem with your eyes.

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:52,404

I'm going to have to

dilate them and

run some tests.

00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,079

I wonder how come

Cartman's not in

school today?

00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,914

Yeah, usually when he

ditches school he still

shows up for lunch!

00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:04,333

Ha ha ha!

00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,584

Yeah, oh,

here he comes!

00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:06,877

Hey, dudes.

00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,132

Wow, what happened

to your eyes, Cartman?

00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,883

My asshole eye doctor

made them all diabated.

00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:13,592

Why?

00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,844

Why? I'll tell you why,

00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,220

because he's a

goddamn asshole,

00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:17,680

and that's about it!

00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:18,764

Why do you have

to see an eye doctor?

00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,015

Because my eyes suck.

00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,517

But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to

go back tomorrow.

00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,061

I don't know what

I'm gonna do!

00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:25,980

Dude, just ask Chef for help,

he always knows what to do.

00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:26,647

Hey yeah.

00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:27,857

Oww!

00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:28,941

Hey Chef!

00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,401

Hello there, children!

00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,444

Dudes, now my eyes

are screwed up.

00:02:32,570 --> 00:02:33,988

Chef looks like a

skinny little white guy!

00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:35,322

It's time for luncharoo!

00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:35,948

Where's Chef?

00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,116

Chef quit!

00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,492

What!

00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,369

Chef is gone,

so let me introduce myself...

00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,663

I'm your new cook,

Mr. Derp!

00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,374

Mr. Derp?

00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,042

When I'm

in the kitchen,

00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,837

you never know what

nutty things are gonna happen.

00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:53,132

If you liked Chef,

you're gonna love Mr. Derp!

00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,384

Ooh-derp!

00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:57,469

Derp!

00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:59,013

Wasn't that silly kids?

00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:00,556

Ha ha ha!

00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,850

Why did Chef quit?

00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,643

Aren't I

a great character?

00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,104

My antics go

right to the funnybone!

00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,065

Ooh, I don't feel so good.

00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,650

Ha ha ha, derp!

00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:14,111

Could you just hand us

some food, please?

00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:18,949

Sure gang, I have yellow stuff

or white stuff. Derp!

00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,534

Can I have the yellow

with a side of white?

00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,745

Dude, I hate Mr. Derp.

00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,413

Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef

after school

00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,248

and get him

to come back.

00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,125

I don't know, you guys. That

hammer thing is pretty funny.

00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,168

Shut up, Cartman!

00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,129

Oww!

00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,422

Oh, hello there, children!

00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,798

Chef, what the hell

are you doing?

00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:35,841

We almost starved

to death at lunch today!

00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,051

Oh, didn't

they tell you?

00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,594

I quit.

00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,637

Yeah, but we

didn't believe them.

00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:40,971

Well, it's true.

00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,139

But why?

00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,891

Why would you quit?

00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,184

Children, 3 nights ago

I was at the library

00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,936

checking out some books

on Kama Sutra,

00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,271

when I met the most

amazing woman, ever!

00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,731

She knew so much about

so many things.

00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,566

She really

got me thinking.

00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:55,861

We eventually came back to my place

and really hit it off!

00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,821

So you made sweet love

to her down by the fire?

00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:01,617

No no, we just sat there

all night long and... talked.

00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,244

Talked?

00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:04,995

Yeah, she told me all about

the power of the Goddess.

00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,164

And how man had been

oppressing women for years

00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,874

and viewing them

as sexual objects.

00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,794

And I realized that

I had done that myself!

00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,462

Oh, what darling

little children!

00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,964

Here she is now.

00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,715

Children, meet my new

girlfriend, Veronica.

00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,384

That's nice.

00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,094

Look Chef, Cartman's got

this eye doctor--girlfriend?

00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,971

Children, Veronica's

moving in with me.

00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:22,888

Moving in?

00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,139

I'm in love.

00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,307

Love?!

00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,767

Oh, you nut!

00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,769

What the hell

is going on?

00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:31,105

Veronica spent the whole day

sharing her favorite poems

with me.

00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,523

Sorry, boys.

00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,692

Looks like I'm stealing

Chef away from you.

00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:36,443

But Chef always helps us

with our problems.

00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,612

When we have a problem,

Chef sings to us and

makes it better!

00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,072

Well I can still

do that, children.

00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,949

In fact, Veronica

can help me.

00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,325

She's a

great singer too.

00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,451

What's the problem?

00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,828

My eyes are going bad

00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:46,745

but the only eye doctor

in South Park

00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,289

is really, really mean.

00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:50,666

Oh, I know

just the song for you.

00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:56,171

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:04:56,297 --> 00:05:00,801

♪ If we can hold on

to the night ♪

00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,972

♪ We have a chance

to find the sunshine ♪

00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:08,684

♪ Let's keep on looking

for the light... ♪♪

00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,894

This... is insane.

00:05:13,022 --> 00:05:14,481

That bitch!

00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,774

She's stealing

Chef from us!

00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:16,984

He didn't even

seem like Chef.

00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:18,902

He seemed like an

empty shell of a man.

00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:20,070

Maybe it's

just a phase.

00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:21,488

We just have to

get him alone

00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,782

so we can tell him

what a bitch she is!

00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,367

Wait, you guys...

00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,536

Maybe, is it possible

that we're just jealous

00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,079

because Chef

is our friend

00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,832

and now he's paying attention

to somebody new?

00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,792

Yeah, so?

00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,419

Yeah, screw

that bitch!

00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,879

Bitch, I hate

that bitch!

00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,630

Look, we've just

got to get Chef alone.

00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,549

He won't listen to reason

with that hooker around.

00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,676

Let's find out where he's

working and go see him

there tomorrow.

00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,303

Good idea!

00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,680

Alright, we've got the

test results back, piggy--

00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,474

Stop calling

me piggy!

00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,893

You've got a small stigmatism

that's causing all the problems.

00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,062

What does

that mean?

00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,939

It means, piggy, that your

eyesight is never going

to get better.

00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:59,693

Alright. Right now, I'm gonna be

totally serious, okay?

00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:01,904

If you call me piggy

one more time,

00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,822

I'm gonna leap

out of this chair

00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,783

and rip your goddamn nuts off

with my bare hands!

00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,659

Well don't worry,

I've got something

00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:09,870

that is going to make

your eyes as good as new.

00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,624

Oh dude, super weak.

00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:15,000

I'm not wearing these.

00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,002

The guys would

totally rip on me!

00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,379

I know the hardest

thing to do

00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,047

is get kids

to wear their glasses.

00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,632

I'm just gonna take them off

as soon as I leave.

00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:23,467

That's why we have

the little stapler.

00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,302

Oww, son of a bitch!

00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,971

They said Chef works in

one of these buildings.

00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,225

Hey, dudes.

00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:34,686

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:37,648

"Ha ha ha, look at Cartman

with his stupid glasses.

Ha ha ha."

00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,274

Dude, just

take them off!

00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,984

I can't, it's stapled

to my head!

00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,446

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:46,657

I hate you guys.

00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,535

Hello and welcome to

Steinburg & Burgstein,

can I help you?

00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:50,369

We want to

talk to Chef!

00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,204

Chef?

00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,163

He's a big guy with a beard

and a Chef's hat.

00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,541

Oh, the black guy!

00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:56,667

Huh?

00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,293

Third cubicle

on the left.

00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,755

Hey, aren't you that cute

little kid from Jerry Mcguire?

00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,215

Uh yeah,

sure, sure!

00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,716

Wow, you really got fat!

00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:05,843

Hey!

00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,261

Hello there children!

00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:08,303

Hey Chef.

00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:09,805

Eric, you've got glasses!

00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,473

Chef, you have to

dump the bitch.

00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,516

Huh?

00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,393

We need you Chef!

00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,353

Hey Chef, we're all gonna run

down to the office supply store

00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,480

and get some leather holders

for our pagers, you wanna come?

00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,690

You bet!

00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:21,900

Chef this place

isn't you.

00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,611

Children, Veronica has shown

me that I've been living a very empty life.

00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,905

Meaningless sex is fun

for 20 or 30 years,

00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,532

but after that,

it starts to get old.

00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,033

But we don't

like her!

00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,118

Why not?

00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:32,536

I don't know.

No reason, I guess.

00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,538

Children, friends get

girlfriends all the time.

00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,790

It's something even you

will have to face

with each other someday.

00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,709

No way, dude!

00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,627

Please Chef, I don't know what

to do about my stupid glasses!

00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:43,088

That's easy, get some

laser-corrective surgery.

00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,590

That's what I did!

00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,508

Hey, laser-corrective surgery,

thanks Chef!

00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,552

You see, everything's gonna be

fine.

00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,679

How about I meet you boys after

work and we can play ball?

00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,889

Okay!

00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,974

Chef should be here

any minute.

00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,320

Dude, he bailed on us!

00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:07,571

I can't believe it!

00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,573

C'mon, we're going

to his house.

00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:13,911

Oh! Hello there children.

00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:16,246

Alright mister!

00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,248

You'd better have a good

explanation why you didn't

show up to play ball!

00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,709

Oh children,

I'm sorry, I forgot.

00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,753

You forgot?

00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,463

Veronica surprised me

at the office and took me out to dinner.

00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,548

She's so amazing!

00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,217

Well, we've got something to

tell you about Veronica, Chef.

00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,968

Hello, children!

00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,471

Man, we're having a dude

man to man here if you don't mind.

00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,264

Children, I've got some

great news for you.

00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,767

Veronica and I

are getting married.

00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,770

Oh no, no no no!

00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:41,647

My whole family's coming in

for the wedding.

00:08:41,772 --> 00:08:43,232

I want you boys

to come, too.

00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,358

This is so wonderful!

00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:45,859

Let's sing!

00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:50,447

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,576

♪ If we can hold on

to the night ♪

00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:58,288

♪ We have a chance to

find the sunshine... ♪♪

00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,545

And that, children,

is what you need to know

00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,296

about the facts of life.

00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,548

So let's review...

00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,132

Tootie left in the 4th season,

00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,385

but Blair and Jo stayed on

and got husbands,

00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,929

leaving the 5th and 6th seasons

hideously stagnant.

00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,974

Okay, children, that's lunch,

see you in 30 minutes.

00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,350

Mr. Garrison,

can we talk to you?

00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,060

Sure!

00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:20,811

Normally we go to Chef

with our problems,

00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,104

but we can't

this time!

00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,523

Well, children,

I am your teacher.I think you'll find

00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:27,484

that my advice is just as valuable

as Chef's, if not more so.

00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,654

Alright, Mr. Garrison, have you ever had

a friend who got a new girlfriend

00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,656

and then stopped being your friend

and it pissed you off?

00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,783

Oh, the old succubus syndrome.

00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,743

What's a "succubus"?

00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,162

A succubus is a woman sent

from hell to suck the life out of a man!

00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,789

That's it!

- Yeaah!

00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,708

There's not much you can do

about a succubus.

00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,459

Their evil power makes man

blind to love.

00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:45,919

This is totally

what's happening!

00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,379

Wow! You are smart,

Mr. Garrison!

00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,423

Yeah, I tell you boys,

women can kill.

00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,592

Poontang's expensive.

00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:53,719

That's why when it comes to chicks,

I just screw 'em and leave 'em.

00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,847

I say, "get out of my bedroom,

poontang, before you suck

my life dry."

00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:57,681

Thanks Mr. Garrison.

00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,057

Sure, kids!

00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,352

You're not

fooling anyone.

00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,229

Shut your hole, Mr. Head!

00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,273

C'mon guys, we gotta go tell Chef

he's in love with a succubus!

00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,108

Yeah, he's gonna be

so thankful we told him!

00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,651

There you are, Eric!

00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,403

C'mon we have to go to

the eye doctor!

00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,530

Oh, no!

00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,991

C'mon, do you want

your laser-corrective

surgery or not?

00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,492

Yes, but can't we

wait 'til tomorrow?

00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,328

Now, hon.

00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,956

But Mom, I have to tell Chef

that he's marrying a succubus.

00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,545

Hello there, children.

00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,630

Who are you?

00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:31,048

I'm Chef's father.

00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:31,923

We just flew in

for the wedding.

00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,175

Oh, hi, is Chef here?

00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,092

We have to talk to him!

00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,218

Yeah, c'mon on in.

00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,345

There he is!

00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,180

Chef, we have to talk to you!

00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,473

Ooh, not now children.

00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:41,266

I gotta get fitted

for my britches.

00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,601

Be right back!

00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,360

Well, aren't you crackers

just cute as a dickens.

00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:52,653

You're Chef's parents?

00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,071

Yes, all his life!

00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,405

We have to talk to him!

00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,199

Well, he should be out

now directly.

00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,701

Oh, he's so excited

about the wedding!

00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,080

Say, would you crackers love

to hear about the time

00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,706

we saw the

Loch Ness monster?

00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,166

No, that's okay.

00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,585

Ooh, it must've been about

7, 8 years ago.

00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:12,172

Me and the little lady was

out on this boat, you see,

all alone at night.

00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,007

When all of a sudden

a huge creature--

00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,885

this giant crustacean

from the Paleolithic era

00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,595

comes out

from the water!

00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,889

We were so scared, Lord,

I jumped up in the boat

and said,

00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,141

Thomas, what on earth is

that creature?

00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,685

It's stood above us,

looking down,

00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,019

with these

big red eyes--

00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,021

Ooh, it's so scary!

00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,023

And I yelled, I said,

"what do you want from us,

monster?"

00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:32,609

And the monster bent down

and said,

00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:36,446

"I need about three-fitty."

00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:37,656

What's three-fitty?

00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,074

Three dollars and

fifty cents.

00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:39,866

Three-fitty.

00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:40,909

He wanted money?

00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,911

That's right!

I said,

00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,163

"I ain't giving you no

three-fitty, you goddamn

Loch Ness monster!"

00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,873

"get your own

goddamn money!"

00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,083

I gave him a dollar!

00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,543

She gave him a dollar!

00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,211

I thought he'd go away if

I gave him a dollar!

00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,839

Well, of course he's not

gonna go away now.

00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,508

You gave him a dollar,

he's gonna assume

you got more!

00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,595

Okay, lets get started...

00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,681

You're here for

the liposuction, right?

00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,850

Oh, you son of a bitch!

00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,018

Alright, time to laser me

a little piggy!

00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,311

Ha ha ha!

00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,063

Hey!

You son of a bitch.

00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,690

I'm gonna kick you

square in the--

00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735

Ehh...ehh...ahh.

00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,446

I bet his mom wishes

she could do that!

00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:22,451

And that was the third time

we saw the Loch Ness monster!

00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,994

Then one time,

I believe it was July--

00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:25,203

August.

00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,872

August- there's a knock

on the door,

00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,999

I opened it, and there's this

cute little girl scout.

00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,418

Oh she's so adorable with

little pig tails 'n all.

00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:33,044

And she said to me,

00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,296

"how would you like to

buy some cookies?"

00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,506

And I said, "well,

what kind do you have?"

00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,508

She had "Thin Mints"

"Graham Crunchy Thins"--

00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:39,801

"Raisin Oatmeal"

00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,511

"Raisin Oatmeal"...

00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,054

And I said, "we'll

take a graham crunch."

00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,306

"How much will that be?"

00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,016

And she looks at me

and she says,

00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,642

"I need about three-fitty!"

00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,352

Three-fitty.

00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:52,481

Well, it's about that time

that I noticed

00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,317

this girl scout was

about 8 stories tall,

00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,944

and was a crustacean

from the planet Ogere.

00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,237

The Loch Ness monster!

00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,656

I said, "damnit monster,

get off my lawn!

00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,283

I ain't giving you

no three-fitty!"

00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,285

She said, "how about

just two-fitty!"

00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,788

I said, "oh now it's

only two-fitty!"

00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,207

"what is there a sale on

Loch Ness munchies

or something?"

00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,458

Lord, he was angry!

00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:12,834

Damn right

I was angry!

00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,085

Not you,

the monster!

00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,378

He was about to

kick your ass!

00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:16,713

Shut your mouth,

woman!

00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,673

Uh, can you just

tell Chef we were here!

00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:19,633

Sure!

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:20,801

That crazy old monster.

00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,469

And then,

the fourth time...

00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,391

Cartman, what the hell

are you doing?

00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,435

That asshole eye doctor

screwed up my laser surgery.

00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,062

I have to wear these bandages

for 3 days.

00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,396

Damn, your eyes must

really suck, Cartman!

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,065

Oh thanks for the

news flash, Tom Brokaw!

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,191

What happened to Chef?

00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,442

Did you tell him she's a

succubus!

00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,152

Oh, we couldn't

even talk to him.

00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,654

She's so evil she has him

totally kept away from us.

00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:41,988

Eric, you have

a little visitor.

00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,031

Is that all right?

00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,283

Okay.

00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,161

Hello, boys.

00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,247

I heard Eric had laser surgery,

so I made him a pie.

00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,456

Aaaggh, it's

the succubus!

00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,582

Huh?

00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:53,750

We know what you are lady!

00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,751

Yeah!

00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,752

You're a bloodthirsty succubus!

00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,504

A what?

00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,256

A demon from hell sent to suck

life out of men!

00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,467

Boys, you know how silly that

sounds, don't you?

00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,428

Well, you are taking

Chef from us!

00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:08,640

Boys, come here, I want to

explain this to you.

00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:12,394

I know Chef is your friend,

but Chef is a grown man.

00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,438

He has needs

you boys can't fulfill.

00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:17,941

He wants a life with me

because I make him happy.

00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,776

Do you understand?

00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:20,902

I guess.

00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,487

Good!

00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:25,824

Oh, and boys,

just one more thing...

00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,993

I'm going to

marry Chef tomorrow,

00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,871

and there's not a Goddamn thing

you can do about it!

00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:31,872

Ha ha ha!

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,498

Aaaarrgghh!

00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,292

Toodle-loo!

00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:37,335

Jesus, dude!

00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,336

What? What happened?

00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,136

Could I have

your attention, please!

00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:50,223

Tomorrow my son is gonna get

married to a beautiful lady.

00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,017

I'm very happy

for them both.

00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,394

I told myself

I wasn't gonna cry now.

00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:55,645

It's okay Pap!

00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,606

Now you're gonna

get me going, hah!

00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,067

I remember when Chef was

just a 3-year-old little man.

00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,194

He came running up to me

with a big smile

00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,529

and his little

Chef's hat on,

00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,406

and he said,

"Papa, Papa!"

00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,867

I said, "what do you

need Chef, my boy?"

00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,660

And he said, "I need about

three-fitty!"

00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,746

Three-fitty.

00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:16,583

Well it was about that time I

got suspicious, I said, "Chef,

00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,293

why do you

need three-fitty?"

00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:22,005

He said, "my imaginary friend,

Goo-Goo the Dinosaur wants it!"

00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,425

I went to my son's room

and sure enough, there was

00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,551

the Loch Ness monster!

00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:27,928

Aw, it was scary!

00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,638

I said,

"damn it, monster!"

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,473

"you stop bugging

my children now!

00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,516

"we work for our money

in this house!

00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,185

We don't

give money away!"

00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,728

Excuse me...

00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,271

We're sorry to interrupt,

but we've got bad news.

00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,231

This is not a woman!

00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:41,191

It is a succubus!

00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,108

What?

00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,860

Yeah!

00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,195

She's evil and wants to

suck Chef's life out of him!

00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529

Children!

00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,781

That hurts

my feelings!

00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,824

Oh, you can pretend

all you want!

00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,201

You're not fooling

anybody!

00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,160

Alright, guys!

00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,453

That's enough!

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,163

I have had it with you!

00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,706

This is the happiest

time of my life,

00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,249

and you can't be

happy for me!

00:15:58,375 --> 00:15:59,292

Chef, but--

00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,752

No "buts", Stan!

00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,504

I love this woman and

I am marrying her...

00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:06,466

Now you can either accept that

or get out of my life!

00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,135

Now if you'll excuse us,

we're having a party!

00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,763

...So I chased the monster

down the street, you see!

00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,390

I guess there's

nothing we can do.

00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:14,474

Chef likes her

more than us!

00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:15,642

No!

00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:16,810

I'm not willing

to give up!

00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,436

Chef wouldn't

give up on us!

00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,854

Oh, man!

00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,398

There's tons of stuff

on succubuses,

00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,233

but there's nothing on

how to stop them!

00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,110

You guys, it's 6 in the morning,

I have to get some sleep!

00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,112

Dude, Chef's wedding is

in 3 hours.

00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,405

We've got that much time to find out

how to destroy a succubus!

00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:29,364

You know what?

00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,699

Screw Chef. There- I said it! Screw him!

00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:32,283

Let him marry Succubus!

00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:34,202

I wanna go to sleep!

00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,037

Here, here!

Look at this!

00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,498

It says, "the succubus enchants

its victim with an eerie melody,

00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,500

"this is the succubi power,

00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,085

"only playing

this melody backwards

00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,712

can vanquish the

succubus' power!"

00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,338

What the hell

does that mean?

00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:46,047

I don't know.

00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:53,596

Right...

00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,728

Yeah...

00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,229

Ohhh...

00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,647

Hey yeah, what's that song

she always sings?

00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,983

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,736

♪ If we can hold on

to the night ♪

00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,196

♪ We've got to find

our way together ♪

00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,573

That's it!

00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:12,699

We gotta learn

that song backwards!

00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,284

In 3 hours!

00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,582

Oh, man, I can't

keep my eyes open!

00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,584

We can't fall asleep,

we gotta nail that song!

00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,127

You've got the

tape recorder, Cartman?

00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,420

Cartman!

00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,755

He's asleep,

wake up, fat ass!

00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,089

What what what?

00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,716

Goddamn it,

you can't fall asleep!

00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:31,217

I wasn't sleeping, I was just

thinking really hard!

00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,720

And then these aliens

had me up in the ship, right

00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:34,763

they was probing me

and all that...

00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,181

We had taco salad

that night!

00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,558

Don't matter what

we had for dinner, woman!

00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,894

Now these aliens had a

big head and big black eyes

00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,645

and it was all

bent over me.

00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,272

I said, "what do you

want from me, alien?"

00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,648

And you know what he said?

00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:46,900

Three-fitty.

00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,610

Let me tell

the damn story now!

00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,111

He said, "three-fitty"!

00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,155

And so I realized

it was no alien...

00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,949

It was that Goddamn

Loch Ness monster again,

00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,743

trying to trick me

into giving him three-fitty

00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:57,952

by dressing up

like an alien!

00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,412

Don't that beat all!

00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,206

I just given him three-fitty

the week before!

00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:02,916

What?

00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,292

You gave that monster

another damn three-fitty!

00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,252

He tricked me!

00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,630

Well no wonder the damn monster

keeps coming back to our house.

00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,923

You keep giving him the

three-fitty!

00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,176

There she is!

00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:22,268

Bitch!

00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:23,144

Bitch!

00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,938

Dirty bitch!

00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:26,231

Alright, Kenny and I are gonna

take position up-front.

00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:28,274

Okay!

00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:30,276

Do you Chef take this woman

as your lawful wedded wife?

00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,236

To have and to--

00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,445

I do!

00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,155

Oh, my baby's

getting married!

00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,533

And do you, Veronica,

take Chef to be your daddy?

00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,034

I do.

00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,411

And now a special

sharing of vows through song.

00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,122

Here it goes...

00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,625

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,043

Now, Cartman!

00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,797

Now, Cartman!

00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,177

Children, you're

screwing up my wedding!

00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,762

I'll take care

of them!

00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,140

Cartman, wake up,

you fat piece of crap!

00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,015

Oww!

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:07,272

♪ Light... the for looking

on keep let's sunshine ♪

00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,273

Aaaarrghh!

00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:09,440

♪ The find to chance ♪

00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,401

No-oooo!

00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,194

What the...?

00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,989

Oh no, the tape jammed!

00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:24,247

What the...?

00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,207

She's a

Goddamn succubus!

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,209

Succubus is trying

to take my baby!

00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,464

Arrrgh!

00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,757

C'mon, Cartman!

00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,009

I can't see

anything!

00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,720

Oh my God,

she killed Kenny!

00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,054

You bastard!

00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,724

You damn monster

get away from my baby!

00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,059

Hold on, I'll see

if I have three-fitty!

00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,604

Got it!

00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,690

♪ The through on hold

can we if after ♪

00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,026

♪ Morning a be

to got there's ♪

00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,906

♪ Warm...

and safe that's-♪♪

00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,789

Oh wow, you don't

see that everyday!

00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,959

We're sorry, Chef,

we had to do it.

00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:12,962

No, I'm glad

you did, children...

00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,006

Now that she's gone,

00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,467

I can't really figure out

what I ever saw in her!

00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,010

Poontang's poontang.

00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,970

C'mon, children,

let's go get some ice cream.

00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,305

Hurray!

00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,391

Wait, what

happened, you guys?

00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,226

Is Kenny okay?

00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,230

Hello there,

children!

00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,814

Hey, Chef!

00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,900

How would you like some

fish sticks and tater tots?

00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,318

We'd love them!

00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,861

It's great to have

you back, Chef!

00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,279

Yeah, well, I learned a very

important lesson this week!

00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,406

♪ Sometimes you

fall in love ♪

00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,492

♪ And you think you'll

feel that way forever ♪

00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,535

♪ You change your life,

and ignore your friends ♪

00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,579

♪ 'cause you think

it can't get any better ♪

00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,915

♪ But then

love goes away ♪

00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,125

♪ No matter what,

it doesn't stay as strong ♪

00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:53,294

♪ And then you're

left with nothing ♪

00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,296

♪ 'cause you're

thinking with your dong ♪

00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,757

♪ So watch out

for that lover ♪

00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,884

♪ It can destroy

like a typhoon wind ♪

00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,178

♪ Just play it cool

and don't be a fool ♪

00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,348

And never let poontang come

between you and your friends!

00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,642

Damn right, Garrison!

00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:13,106

Oh, hello, piggy.

How are your eyes doing?

00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,607

After today they're

going to be fine

00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,693

and I'll never have to

see you ever again!

00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:19,070

I don't think that's possible,

piggy, not with your eyes!

00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:20,822

No, not with

my eyes!

00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,073

With these!

00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:23,283

Ha ha ha!

00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,742

Was he an

organ donor?

00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,244

Sure!

00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:27,287

Alright, then

let's get to work!

00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,457

Say, you don't have

$3.50 on you, do you?

00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:35,461

♪ Light... ♪

00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:39,424

♪ The for looking on

keep let's sunshine... ♪

00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:43,303

♪ The find to chance

a have we night... ♪

00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:46,973

♪ The through on hold

can we if after ♪

00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:49,976

♪ Morning a be

to got there's ♪

00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,770

♪ Warm... ♪

00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:54,772

♪ And safe that's

place a find and ♪

00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:58,943

♪ Toge...ther bridge the cross

we don't why storm ♪♪

00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:02,280

Captioning made possible by

Comedy Central

00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,000

"Окулист"

00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,817

Мам, пожалуйста, давай просто уйдем?

00:00:40,012 --> 00:00:41,587

Тебя должен посмотреть глазной врач, Эрик

00:00:41,771 --> 00:00:42,751

Но я ненавижу глазного врача

00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:44,685

Он постоянно смеется надо мной,

потому что я толстый

00:00:45,019 --> 00:00:46,926

Ты не толстый, у тебя просто кость широкая

00:00:47,156 --> 00:00:48,947

Так я ему и говорю, но он не слушает

00:00:49,121 --> 00:00:50,127

Эрик Картман

00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:51,961

Фигня...

00:00:52,292 --> 00:00:53,307

Здравствуй, Эрик

00:00:53,382 --> 00:00:54,566

Здравствуйте, доктор Мужлан

00:00:54,874 --> 00:00:56,315

Как поживает мой маленький

толстый поросёнок?

00:00:56,402 --> 00:00:57,525

Эй! Не называй меня поросёнком!

00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:59,661

Я сказал так только потому,

что ты - мой маленький приятель

00:00:59,863 --> 00:01:02,157

Я здесь для проверки зрения, ясно?

Оставь свои дурацкие шутки при себе

00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:03,103

Забирайся в кресло

00:01:03,554 --> 00:01:04,655

Смотри, только не сломай!

00:01:04,927 --> 00:01:05,400

А, твою мать!!!

00:01:05,678 --> 00:01:07,284

Шучу, шучу. Что ж, давай

проверим твои глаза

00:01:08,003 --> 00:01:10,073

Тебе нужно прочитать эти буквы.

Ты видишь буквы?

00:01:10,255 --> 00:01:10,906

Да

00:01:10,962 --> 00:01:12,353

Отлично, прочти их мне

00:01:12,828 --> 00:01:13,502

Я

00:01:14,114 --> 00:01:14,983

Т–О–Л–стый

00:01:15,018 --> 00:01:16,516

ма-лень-кий по-ро-сё-нок. Эй!

00:01:17,239 --> 00:01:18,578

Ну всё, хватит! Мам!

00:01:18,749 --> 00:01:20,191

Нет, нет. Это - всего

лишь случайное совпадение

00:01:20,358 --> 00:01:21,537

Я не представляю, как

такое могло случиться

00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:24,258

"Я – толстый маленький поросёнок".

Ого! Как странно...

00:01:25,074 --> 00:01:26,350

Ну да ладно, давай вернёмся

к делу, не так ли?

00:01:26,699 --> 00:01:29,071

Наконец-то! Отличная мысль!

Моя мама платит вам не за клоунаду

00:01:29,312 --> 00:01:31,674

Хмм, посмотрим, которая

лучше - первая или вторая?

00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:33,038

Первая или вторая?

00:01:33,413 --> 00:01:34,436

Они выглядят одинаково

00:01:34,471 --> 00:01:36,156

Выбери только одну. Или вторую

00:01:36,191 --> 00:01:36,991

Да не знаю, вторая!

00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:40,192

Хорошо. Первая или вторая?

Первая или вторая?

00:01:40,252 --> 00:01:41,413

Ну, первая

00:01:41,616 --> 00:01:43,754

Первая или вторая? Первая или вторая?

00:01:43,848 --> 00:01:44,576

Вторая

00:01:44,598 --> 00:01:46,895

Нет! Ответ - первая, поросёнок! Первая!

00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:48,251

Ай! Я тебя ненавижу!

00:01:48,431 --> 00:01:50,188

Да, с твоим зрением определенно

что-то не в порядке

00:01:50,223 --> 00:01:52,724

Я собираюсь расширить тебе зрачки

и провести кое-какие анализы

00:01:58,254 --> 00:02:00,077

Интересно, почему Картмана

сегодня нет в школе

00:02:00,237 --> 00:02:02,495

Ага, обычно, когда он прогуливает

уроки, он все равно появляется к обеду

00:02:02,518 --> 00:02:04,495

Мо..т, он еб.т св.ю ма..шу?

00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,134

Точно. А, вон он идет

00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,404

Привет, пацаны

00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,212

Ого, что это у тебя с глазами, Картман?

00:02:11,213 --> 00:02:13,268

Этот говнюк-окулист разжирил мне значки

00:02:13,303 --> 00:02:14,331

Зачем?

00:02:14,366 --> 00:02:18,136

Зачем?! Я скажу тебе зачем!

Потому что он чертов говнюк и... ну и всё

00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:19,628

Зачем тебе надо было ходить к окулисту?

00:02:19,629 --> 00:02:20,629

Та, моим глазам – жопа.

00:02:20,630 --> 00:02:22,671

Но этот доктор любит подвергать

меня пыткам, а я должен снова

идти к нему завтра,

00:02:22,706 --> 00:02:23,714

и я не знаю, что мне делать

00:02:23,715 --> 00:02:25,883

Блин, просто спроси Шефа.

Он всегда знает, что делать

00:02:26,099 --> 00:02:26,923

Ага, ништяк!

00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:29,406

Привет, Шеф!

00:02:29,574 --> 00:02:30,513

Здравствуйте, дорогие дети!

00:02:31,274 --> 00:02:32,527

Блин, моим глазам в натуре жопа

00:02:32,562 --> 00:02:34,145

Шеф выглядит, как

тощий мелкий белый парень

00:02:34,146 --> 00:02:35,684

Время обедика!

00:02:35,685 --> 00:02:36,428

Где Шеф?

00:02:36,429 --> 00:02:37,376

Шеф уволился

00:02:37,377 --> 00:02:38,163

Что?!

00:02:38,164 --> 00:02:43,202

Шеф ушел. Так что, позвольте представиться.

Я - ваш новый повар, мистер Дерп

00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:45,896

Мистер Дерп?

00:02:45,897 --> 00:02:49,981

Когда я на кухне, вы не знаете,

какие глупые штуки могут случиться!

00:02:49,982 --> 00:02:53,768

Если вы любили Шефа,

вы полюбите мистера Дерпа!

00:02:58,148 --> 00:02:59,646

Дерп! О, разве не глупо, дети?

00:03:02,074 --> 00:03:03,038

Почему Шеф ушел?

00:03:03,039 --> 00:03:07,475

Ну разве я не тот еще фрукт?

Мои дурачества – такие классные

благодаря моему чувству юмора.

00:03:08,442 --> 00:03:10,567

Ой, что-то мне нездоровится... Дерп!

00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,960

Может, просто дадите нам еду, пожалуйста?

00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:18,301

Конечно же! У меня есть

желтая чепуха и белая чепуха

00:03:19,088 --> 00:03:20,734

Можно мне желтой с гарниром из белой?

00:03:20,915 --> 00:03:22,988

Блин! Терпеть не могу мистера Дерпа!

00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,768

Ага, после школы мы поговорим

с Шефом, чтобы он вернулся

00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:28,328

Ну, не знаю, пацаны,

с молотком было довольно прикольно

00:03:28,329 --> 00:03:29,539

Заткнись, Картман!

00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:33,733

О! Здравствуйте, дети!

00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,498

Шеф, какого хрена ты делаешь?

Сегодня в обед мы чуть не померли с голоду

00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:38,656

О! Разве вам не сообщили? Я уволился.

00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,078

Да, но мы не поверили

00:03:40,079 --> 00:03:41,534

Ну, это - правда

00:03:41,535 --> 00:03:43,609

Но почему? Почему ты уволился?

00:03:43,610 --> 00:03:45,642

Дети, три ночи назад я был в библиотеке,

00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:47,595

пролистывал кое-какие книги по Кама Сутре,

00:03:47,596 --> 00:03:49,852

когда я встретил самую

изумительную женщину на свете

00:03:49,853 --> 00:03:51,916

Она столько всего обо всем знала

00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:53,205

Она заставила меня думать

00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,439

В конце концов мы отправились

ко мне и отлично поладили

00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,293

Так вы занялись сладкой

любовью на полу у камина?

00:03:58,294 --> 00:04:00,899

Нет, нет, мы всего лишь

сидели вместе всю ночь и...

00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:02,366

говорили.

00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:03,180

Говорили?!

00:04:03,181 --> 00:04:05,248

Да. Она рассказала мне

всё о силе женщин-богинь,

00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:08,992

и о том, как мужчины притесняли

женщин годами, рассматривая их

только как сексуальный объект,

00:04:08,993 --> 00:04:11,725

и я понял, что и сам вел себя так же

00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,704

O! Какие прелестные дети!

00:04:13,984 --> 00:04:17,435

А вот и она. Дети, знакомьтесь,

моя новая подруга, Вероника

00:04:17,436 --> 00:04:19,218

Очень приятно. Слушай, Шеф,

Картман был у окулиста и...

00:04:19,436 --> 00:04:20,941

Подруга?!

00:04:20,942 --> 00:04:22,319

Дети, Вероника переезжает ко мне

00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:23,320

Переезжает?!

00:04:23,321 --> 00:04:24,385

Я влюблен

00:04:24,386 --> 00:04:25,386

Влюблен?!

00:04:25,387 --> 00:04:26,387

О, мой глупенький

00:04:27,288 --> 00:04:28,414

Да чё за фигня происходит?!

00:04:28,415 --> 00:04:31,865

Вероника провела целый день,

читая мне свои любимые стихотворения

00:04:31,866 --> 00:04:35,333

Извините, мальчики, похоже,

я увожу у вас Шефа

00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:36,661

Но Шеф всегда помогает

нам с нашими проблемами

00:04:36,662 --> 00:04:39,191

Если у нас возникают трудности,

Шеф поет нам, и сразу становится лучше

00:04:39,192 --> 00:04:40,892

Что ж, я все еще могу делать это, дети

00:04:40,893 --> 00:04:43,964

Вообще-то, Вероника может

помочь мне. Она тоже прекрасно поет

00:04:43,965 --> 00:04:45,107

И в чём же проблема?

00:04:45,108 --> 00:04:46,205

У меня зрение ухудшается,

00:04:46,206 --> 00:04:48,630

а единственный окулист в Южном

Парке очень, очень посредственный

00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:50,664

О, я знаю песню как раз для тебя

00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:56,137

И будет следующее утро

00:04:56,634 --> 00:05:00,899

Лишь ночь нам надо переждать

00:05:01,271 --> 00:05:05,409

Дай шанс, рассвет, тебя нам встретить,

00:05:05,545 --> 00:05:09,423

И мы продолжим света луч искать!

00:05:09,424 --> 00:05:10,960

Это – безумие!

00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:14,927

Вот сука!

00:05:14,928 --> 00:05:16,366

Она уводит у нас Шефа

00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:19,209

Он был даже не похож на Шефа.

Он походил на его пустую оболочку

00:05:19,271 --> 00:05:20,358

Может быть, это - только переходный этап?

00:05:20,359 --> 00:05:22,649

Мы должны просто встретиться с ним

наедине, чтобы рассказать, какая она сука

00:05:22,650 --> 00:05:23,780

Погодите, пацаны

00:05:24,548 --> 00:05:27,333

Может быть... возможно..,

что мы просто ревнуем,

00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:31,142

потому что Шеф - наш друг, и сейчас

он уделяет внимание кому-то другому?

00:05:33,539 --> 00:05:34,487

Да, ну и что?

00:05:35,056 --> 00:05:36,148

Да, в жопу эту суку!

00:05:36,149 --> 00:05:37,149

Сука! Ненавижу эту суку!

00:05:37,150 --> 00:05:39,102

Короче, надо просто

встретиться с Шефом наедине

00:05:39,103 --> 00:05:41,077

Он не будет слушать, когда

эта шлюха вертится рядом

00:05:41,078 --> 00:05:43,330

Пошли, узнаем, где он работает

и встретимся там с ним завтра

00:05:43,331 --> 00:05:44,103

Хорошая мысль

00:05:45,291 --> 00:05:47,394

Итак, у нас есть результаты анализов, поросёнок

00:05:47,395 --> 00:05:48,903

Кончай называть меня поросёнком!

00:05:48,904 --> 00:05:51,865

У тебя небольшой астигматизм, который

и является причиной всех проблем

00:05:51,866 --> 00:05:52,892

И что это значит?

00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:56,407

Это значит, поросёнок, что твое

зрение уже никогда не станет лучше

00:05:56,408 --> 00:05:59,159

Так. Сейчас я буду говорить

совершенно серьезно, окей?

00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,304

Если ты назовешь меня поросёнком еще раз,

00:06:02,305 --> 00:06:06,273

я спрыгну с кресла и оторву

твои гребаные яйца голыми руками!

00:06:06,274 --> 00:06:10,140

Ничего, не волнуйся, у меня есть нечто,

от чего твои глаза будут, как новенькие

00:06:12,731 --> 00:06:17,487

А, блин! Супер отстой! Я не надену

их, пацаны меня вконец достанут

00:06:17,488 --> 00:06:20,464

Я знаю, самое трудное, это -

заставить детей носить их очки

00:06:20,465 --> 00:06:22,303

Я просто сниму их сразу же,

как выйду отсюда!

00:06:22,304 --> 00:06:24,194

А для этого у нас тут

есть маленький степлер

00:06:24,195 --> 00:06:25,853

Уйя! Сучий потрох!

00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:27,748

Говорят, что Шеф работает

в одном из этих зданий

00:06:30,152 --> 00:06:31,466

Привет, пацаны

00:06:35,564 --> 00:06:38,424

"Ха-ха-ха"! Посмотрите на Картмана

и его дурацкие очки! "Ха-ха-ха"!

00:06:38,425 --> 00:06:39,853

Блин! Просто сними их нафиг!

00:06:39,854 --> 00:06:41,259

Не могу! Они степлером

прибиты к моей голове!

00:06:45,136 --> 00:06:46,254

Ненавижу вас, пацаны

00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,879

Здравствуйте и добро пожаловать

в "Стайнбург энд Бургстайн".

Могу ли я вам помочь?

00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:50,880

Мы хотим поговорить с Шефом

00:06:50,881 --> 00:06:51,716

Шефом?

00:06:51,717 --> 00:06:52,777

Он - большой мужик с бородой

00:06:52,778 --> 00:06:53,498

И с поварским колпаком

00:06:53,518 --> 00:06:54,618

И огр..ным чл.ном!

00:06:54,676 --> 00:06:56,482

А, чернокожий парень!

00:06:56,688 --> 00:06:58,222

Третья кабинка налево

00:06:59,614 --> 00:07:02,539

Эй! Нет тот ли ты прелестный

малыш из Джерри Магвайра?

00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:03,685

Да, конечно, конечно

00:07:03,686 --> 00:07:05,503

Ого! Ну ты и растолстел

00:07:06,608 --> 00:07:08,007

Здравствуйте, дети

00:07:08,008 --> 00:07:08,686

Привет, Шеф

00:07:08,687 --> 00:07:10,683

Эрик, ты носишь очки?

00:07:10,684 --> 00:07:11,846

Шеф, ты должен выгнать сучку

00:07:11,847 --> 00:07:12,730

Что?

00:07:12,731 --> 00:07:13,773

Ты нужен нам, Шеф

00:07:13,774 --> 00:07:16,573

Эй, Шеф, мы тут собираемся

сбегать в магазин канцелярских товаров

00:07:16,574 --> 00:07:19,205

за кожаными чехлами

для пейджеров, ты идешь?

00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,339

А то!

00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,275

Шеф, это место - не для тебя!

00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:25,232

Дети, Вероника показала мне,

что я жил очень пустой жизнью

00:07:25,233 --> 00:07:27,540

Бессмысленный секс

хорош для 20 или 30 лет,

00:07:27,541 --> 00:07:29,026

но потом он начинает надоедать

00:07:29,027 --> 00:07:30,220

Но она нам не нравится

00:07:30,221 --> 00:07:31,161

Почему нет?!

00:07:31,162 --> 00:07:32,842

Не знаю. Наверно, просто так

00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:35,318

Дети, ваши друзья рано

или поздно находят подружек

00:07:35,319 --> 00:07:37,866

Когда-нибудь и вам самим

придётся с этим столкнуться

00:07:37,867 --> 00:07:39,076

Ни за что, блин!

00:07:39,077 --> 00:07:41,354

Пожалуйста, Шеф! Я не знаю, что

мне делать с моими дурацкими очками

00:07:41,355 --> 00:07:44,780

Да легко! Сделай себе лазерную

коррекцию зрения, как я сделал

00:07:44,781 --> 00:07:46,944

Точно! Лазерная коррекция! Спасибо, Шеф!

00:07:46,945 --> 00:07:48,704

Вот видите? Все будет хорошо

00:07:48,705 --> 00:07:51,029

Ну а как насчет того,

чтобы встретиться после

работы, и поиграть в мяч?

00:07:51,030 --> 00:07:51,852

Отлично!

00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:54,503

Шеф будет с минуты на минуту

00:08:05,183 --> 00:08:06,828

Блин! Он же обещал нам!

00:08:06,829 --> 00:08:07,686

Не могу поверить!

00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,254

Короче! Мы идем к нему домой!

00:08:13,357 --> 00:08:15,261

O! Здравствуйте, дети

00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,093

Итак, мистер!

00:08:16,094 --> 00:08:18,691

Надеюсь, у вас есть хорошее объяснение,

почему ты не пришел играть с нами в мяч!

00:08:18,692 --> 00:08:21,263

О, простите, дети. Я забыл!

00:08:21,264 --> 00:08:22,249

Ты забыл?!

00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:25,847

Вероника неожиданно нагрянула

в офис и пригласила меня

на ужин. Она так изумительна

00:08:25,848 --> 00:08:28,607

Что ж, мы кое-что хотим тебе

сказать о Веронике, Шеф!

00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:30,436

Здравствуйте, дети!

00:08:30,437 --> 00:08:32,501

Мэм, у нас тут, блин,

разговор, если вы не возражаете

00:08:32,502 --> 00:08:37,023

Дети, у меня есть для вас

прекрасная новость. Вероника

и я собираемся пожениться

00:08:38,479 --> 00:08:40,069

О, нет! Нет, нет, нет, нет, нет!

00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:43,606

Вся моя семья приезжает

на свадьбу, и я хочу, чтобы вы,

мальчики, тоже пришли

00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,166

Это так чудесно! Давайте споем!

00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:50,175

И будет следующее утро

00:08:50,576 --> 00:08:54,819

Лишь ночь нам надо переждать

00:08:54,820 --> 00:08:58,739

Дай шанс, рассвет, тебя нам встретить...

00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:06,224

И это, дети, всё, что вам

нужно знать о взрослой жизни

00:09:07,011 --> 00:09:08,192

Давайте повторим...

00:09:08,193 --> 00:09:11,731

Тути покинула сериал в четвертом сезоне,

но Блэр и Джо остались и обзавелись мужьями,

00:09:11,732 --> 00:09:14,206

сделав пятый и шестой сезоны ужасно вялыми

00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:17,661

Окей, дети, сейчас обед.

Встретимся через тридцать минут

00:09:17,662 --> 00:09:19,239

Мистер Гаррисон, можно с вами поговорить?

00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:19,836

Конечно

00:09:19,837 --> 00:09:22,348

Обычно мы шли к Шефу с нашими

проблемами, но сейчас не можем

00:09:22,349 --> 00:09:24,096

Что ж, дети, я - ваш учитель

Думаю, вы сочтете мои советы

00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:27,902

такими же полезными, как и советы Шефа,

а может даже и более ценными.

00:09:27,913 --> 00:09:31,066

Хорошо. Мистер Гаррисон,

у вас был когда-нибудь друг,

у которого появилась подружка,

00:09:31,101 --> 00:09:33,223

и он перестал быть вашим

другом, и это вас обламало?

00:09:33,258 --> 00:09:35,042

А, обычный синдром "отсоситебямон"

00:09:35,043 --> 00:09:36,686

Что такое отсоситебямон?

00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:39,841

Отсоситебямон – это женщина-демон,

посланная из ада, чтобы высасывать

жизненные силы из мужчин

00:09:39,842 --> 00:09:40,452

Так и есть!

00:09:40,453 --> 00:09:40,897

Ага!

00:09:40,932 --> 00:09:43,140

Да, трудно противостоять отсоситебямону

00:09:43,141 --> 00:09:44,863

Их дьявольская сила делает

мужчин слепыми в любви

00:09:44,864 --> 00:09:46,494

Это - именно то, что происходит!

00:09:46,495 --> 00:09:47,886

Ого, вы - действительно

умный, мистер Гаррисон!

00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:51,043

Да, скажу вам, мальчики,

женщины могут погубить,

путана может обойтись дорого

00:09:51,044 --> 00:09:53,891

Поэтому, когда доходит до шлюх,

я просто трахаю их и бросаю

00:09:53,892 --> 00:09:56,726

Я говорю: "Убирайся из моей

спальни, тайская путана, пока

ты не высосала из меня жизнь!"

00:09:56,955 --> 00:09:57,912

Спасибо, мистер Гаррисон

00:09:57,913 --> 00:09:58,828

Конечно, дети

00:10:01,428 --> 00:10:02,597

Ты не проведешь никого.

00:10:02,698 --> 00:10:04,143

Закрой варежку, мистер Шляпа!

00:10:04,144 --> 00:10:06,922

Вперед, пацаны! Мы должны

бежать сообщить Шефу, что

он влюблен в отсоситебямона

00:10:06,923 --> 00:10:08,886

Ага! Он будет благодарен нам

за то, что мы сказали ему

00:10:08,887 --> 00:10:12,275

Вот ты где, Эрик! Идём,

нам нужно к глазному доктору

00:10:12,276 --> 00:10:13,397

О нет!

00:10:13,398 --> 00:10:16,541

Идём же. Ты хочешь сделать

лазерную коррекцию зрения или нет?

00:10:16,542 --> 00:10:17,976

Да, но может, мы подождем до завтра?

00:10:17,977 --> 00:10:19,137

Нет, сейчас, милый

00:10:19,138 --> 00:10:23,248

Но, мам! Я должен сказать Шефу,

что он женится на отсоситебямоне!

00:10:28,067 --> 00:10:29,201

Здравствуйте, дети

00:10:29,202 --> 00:10:29,875

Вы - кто?

00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:32,310

Я - отец Шефа. Мы только что

прилетели на его свадьбу

00:10:32,311 --> 00:10:34,281

А, привет. Шеф здесь?

Нам надо с ним поговорить

00:10:34,282 --> 00:10:35,763

Ну что ж, заходите

00:10:35,764 --> 00:10:36,555

А вот и он

00:10:37,602 --> 00:10:39,035

Шеф, нам нужно с тобой поговорить

00:10:39,036 --> 00:10:42,498

Нет, не сейчас, дети! Мне надо бежать

сделать обмеры ягодиц. Скоро буду!

00:10:49,469 --> 00:10:52,307

Ну, разве эти бледнопузые барчуки

не прелестны, как два чертёнка?

00:10:52,308 --> 00:10:53,288

Вы – родители Шефа?

00:10:53,289 --> 00:10:54,709

Да. Всю его жизнь

00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:55,764

Нам нужно с ним поговорить

00:10:55,765 --> 00:10:57,649

Ну, он должен появиться прямо сейчас.

00:10:57,650 --> 00:11:00,421

О, он так взволнован из-за этой свадьбы

00:11:00,422 --> 00:11:05,172

Скажем, хотели бы вы,

бледнопузы, послушать о том, как

мы встретили Лох-Несского монстра?

00:11:05,173 --> 00:11:06,131

Нет, не обязательно

00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,864

Ну-у! Это было где-то 7-8 лет назад

00:11:08,865 --> 00:11:11,246

Мы с женой катались

на лодке, понимаете...

00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:14,623

Совсем одни той ночью...

Как вдруг эта огромная тварь,

00:11:14,624 --> 00:11:18,132

это ракообразное времен

палеолита появилось из воды

00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:20,398

Мы были так напуганы, господи помилуй!

00:11:20,399 --> 00:11:23,289

Я вскочила и закричала:

"Томас, да что же это за тварь?!"

00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:26,412

Оно нависло над нами, глядя на нас

своими большими красными глазами...

00:11:26,413 --> 00:11:27,793

О, это было так страшно!

00:11:27,794 --> 00:11:30,355

И я завопил: "Что тебе нужно от нас, монстр?!"

00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,866

И тут монстр нагнулся и сказал:

00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,920

"Мне нужно, где-то, три дебесят"

00:11:36,533 --> 00:11:37,802

Че за "три дебесят"?

00:11:37,803 --> 00:11:39,212

Три доллара 50 центов.

00:11:39,213 --> 00:11:40,270

Три дебесят.

00:11:40,271 --> 00:11:41,071

Он хотел деньги?

00:11:41,072 --> 00:11:45,564

В точку. Я ответил:

"Не дам я тебе три дебесят,

чертов Лох-Несский монстр!

00:11:45,565 --> 00:11:47,297

Зарабатывай свои собственные чертовы деньги!"

00:11:47,298 --> 00:11:48,388

Я дала ему доллар

00:11:48,389 --> 00:11:49,646

Она дала ему доллар

00:11:49,647 --> 00:11:51,814

Я думала, он уйдет, если я дам ему доллар

00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:56,466

Ну, конечно он не уйдет, ха!

Нелли, если ты дала ему доллар,

он будет надеяться на большее!

00:11:59,214 --> 00:12:03,137

Ну что ж, приступим. Ты пришел,

чтобы сделать липосакцию, так?

00:12:03,738 --> 00:12:05,141

Эй! Ты, сукин сын!

00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,216

Отлично. Время порезать меня лазером,

да, толстый поросёнок?

00:12:09,444 --> 00:12:12,689

Эй! Ты, сучий потрох! Я отпинаю

тебя по яйцам до квадратной формы...

00:12:15,653 --> 00:12:17,691

Готов спорить, его мамаша

хотела бы это сделать

00:12:19,669 --> 00:12:22,609

...и это был третий раз, когда мы

встретили Лох-Несского монстра

00:12:22,610 --> 00:12:24,598

Итак, однажды... думаю, это было в июле...

00:12:24,599 --> 00:12:25,289

В августе

00:12:25,290 --> 00:12:26,906

В августе. Вдруг – стук в дверь

00:12:26,907 --> 00:12:29,577

Открываю... На пороге стоит

прелестная маленькая девочка-скаут

00:12:29,578 --> 00:12:32,299

Она была такая очаровательная,

с такими маленькими косичками...

и все такое...

00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:35,020

И она говорит мне: "Не хотите

ли купить немного печенья?"

00:12:35,075 --> 00:12:37,017

А я говорю: "Ну, и какое же у тебя есть?"

00:12:37,018 --> 00:12:39,251

У нее были мятные пластинки,

пшеничные хрустики...

00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:40,668

Овсяные с изюмом...

00:12:40,669 --> 00:12:42,306

Овсяные с изюмом... И я сказал:

00:12:42,307 --> 00:12:44,783

"Мы возьмем пшеничные хрустики.

Сколько это будет стоить?"

00:12:44,784 --> 00:12:47,502

И тут она глядит на меня и говорит:

"Мне нужно, где-то, три дебесят"

00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:49,836

Три дебесят.

00:12:50,335 --> 00:12:55,335

Да, и тут я понимаю, что эта

девочка-скаут в действительности...

00:12:55,336 --> 00:12:57,883

8-этажной высоты

ракообразное из палеозойской эры

00:12:57,884 --> 00:12:59,046

Лох-Несский монстр

00:12:59,047 --> 00:13:03,774

Я сказал: "Черт возьми, монстр! Убирайся

с моей лужайки! Не дам я тебе три дебесят!"

00:13:03,775 --> 00:13:05,851

А он говорит: "Как насчет два дебесят?"

00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:07,983

Я сказал: "Ага, а теперь уже два дебесят?!

00:13:07,984 --> 00:13:10,665

У вас что, распродажа Лох-Несской

жрачки или типа того?!"

00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:11,733

Боже, он разозлился!

00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:13,043

Черт возьми, верно, я разозлился

00:13:13,044 --> 00:13:15,570

Не ты, а монстр. Он чуть не надрал тебе задницу

00:13:15,571 --> 00:13:17,109

Закрой свой рот, женщина

00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:18,862

Э, может вы просто скажете Шефу, что мы заходили

00:13:18,863 --> 00:13:20,833

Конечно! Чокнутый старый монстр...

00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,059

Позже, в четвертый раз, когда...

00:13:26,693 --> 00:13:28,139

Картман, какого черта ты делаешь?

00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,368

Этот говнюк-окулист напортачил

с лазерной коррекцией

00:13:30,369 --> 00:13:32,260

Теперь я должен носить эту повязку три дня

00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:34,026

Черт, у тебя, должно быть, теперь

полная лажа с глазами, Картман

00:13:34,027 --> 00:13:37,677

О, спасибо за новость, Том Брокау!

Че там с Шефом? Вы сказали ему,

что она – отсоситебямон?

00:13:37,678 --> 00:13:39,076

Ну, мы даже не смогли поговорить с ним

00:13:39,077 --> 00:13:40,795

Она такая злобная, совсем

не подпускает его к нам

00:13:40,796 --> 00:13:43,587

Эрик, к тебе гость. Ты не против?

00:13:46,605 --> 00:13:48,078

Привет, мальчики

00:13:48,079 --> 00:13:50,811

Я слышала, Эрику сделали лазерную

коррекцию, вот – я испекла ему пирог.

00:13:50,812 --> 00:13:52,126

Это отсоситебямон!

00:13:52,127 --> 00:13:52,981

Чего?

00:13:52,982 --> 00:13:54,240

Мы знаем, кто вы, леди!

00:13:54,241 --> 00:13:56,446

Да! Вы - кровожадная отсоситебямон!

00:13:56,447 --> 00:13:57,530

Кто?

00:13:57,531 --> 00:13:59,508

Демон, посланный из ада, чтобы

высасывать жизнь из мужчин

00:13:59,709 --> 00:14:03,031

Мальчики! Вы знаете, как глупо

это звучит, не так ли?

00:14:03,758 --> 00:14:05,805

Ну... ты уводишь у нас Шефа

00:14:05,806 --> 00:14:08,622

Мальчики, идите сюда.

Я хочу вам кое-что объяснить

00:14:08,623 --> 00:14:13,190

Я знаю, что Шеф - ваш друг.

Но Шеф – взрослый мужчина.

00:14:13,191 --> 00:14:16,016

У него есть потребности, которые вы,

мальчики, не можете удовлетворить

00:14:16,017 --> 00:14:18,475

Он хочет жизни со мной, потому

что я сделаю его счастливым.

00:14:18,476 --> 00:14:20,298

Вы понимаете?

00:14:20,299 --> 00:14:21,433

Думаю, да

00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:22,811

Хорошо

00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,853

И, мальчики, вот еще...

00:14:26,331 --> 00:14:28,128

Я собираюсь завтра выйти замуж за Шефа

00:14:28,963 --> 00:14:31,579

И у вас нет никакой, вашу мать,

возможности этому воспрепятствовать!

00:14:34,544 --> 00:14:35,736

Чао-какао!

00:14:36,812 --> 00:14:37,612

Господи, блин!

00:14:37,647 --> 00:14:38,837

Что? Что тут было?

00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,506

Пожалуйста, прошу вашего внимания!

00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:50,460

Завтра мой сын женится на прекрасной женщине

00:14:50,461 --> 00:14:52,376

Я очень счастлив за них обоих

00:14:52,377 --> 00:14:55,066

Ну вот, пошёл. Я же сказал себе,

что не буду плакать, на...

00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,082

Всё в порядке, пап

00:14:56,083 --> 00:14:58,047

Томас, из-за тебя теперь

и я прослезилась, на!

00:14:58,048 --> 00:15:01,242

Я помню, когда Шеф был

ещё трёхлетним пареньком

00:15:01,243 --> 00:15:05,833

Он прибежал ко мне с огромной улыбкой,

в маленьком поварском колпаке на голове...

00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:08,847

И он сказал: "Папа! Папа!". Я спросил:

"Что ты хочешь, Шеф, мой мальчик?"

00:15:08,848 --> 00:15:11,240

И он сказал… "Мне нужно где-то три дебесят"

00:15:11,741 --> 00:15:13,110

Три дебесят

00:15:13,111 --> 00:15:15,557

И вот в это время у меня

зародилось подозрение

00:15:15,558 --> 00:15:18,505

Я спросил: "Шеф, а зачем тебе три дебесят?"

00:15:18,506 --> 00:15:22,346

Он ответил: "Это – для моего

воображаемого друга, динозавра Гу-Гу"

00:15:22,347 --> 00:15:27,049

Я отправился в комнату моего сына, и,

само собой, там был Лох-Несский монстр

00:15:27,050 --> 00:15:28,306

О, это было так страшно!

00:15:28,307 --> 00:15:31,800

Я сказал: "Проклятый чертов монстр!

Прекрати приставать к моим детям, на!"

00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:35,285

"Мы в этом доме зарабатываем свои

деньги и не раздаем их кому попало!"

00:15:35,286 --> 00:15:39,102

Прошу прощения! Извините, что

прерываем, но у нас плохие новости

00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:42,185

Это – не женщина! Это – отсоситебямон!

00:15:42,186 --> 00:15:42,990

Что?!

00:15:42,991 --> 00:15:45,649

Да! Она злая и она хочет

высосать жизнь из Шефа

00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:48,357

Дети... Это причиняет боль моим чувствам.

00:15:48,358 --> 00:15:51,760

О, можешь притворяться, кем

угодно! Тебе никого не обмануть!

00:15:51,761 --> 00:15:55,417

Ну всё, парни! Хватит! С меня довольно!

00:15:55,418 --> 00:15:58,975

Это - самый счастливый момент моей жизни,

а вы не хотите порадоваться за меня!

00:15:58,976 --> 00:15:59,607

Но, Шеф...

00:15:59,608 --> 00:16:02,763

Никаких "но", Стэн! Я люблю

эту женщину и женюсь на ней!

00:16:02,764 --> 00:16:06,441

Так что вы или смиритесь с этим,

или убирайтесь из моей жизни!

00:16:06,442 --> 00:16:09,082

А сейчас, если позволите, у нас – праздник

00:16:09,083 --> 00:16:12,065

...и вот, я погнал монстра

вниз по улице, понимаете...

00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:14,981

Похоже, мы ничего не можем

сделать. Шеф любит её больше нас

00:16:14,982 --> 00:16:17,721

Нет! Я не собираюсь сдаваться!

Шеф бы не сдался на нашем месте!

00:16:19,953 --> 00:16:22,896

Ну блин! Здесь куча всего

про отсоситебямонов, но ничего

о том, как их остановить

00:16:22,897 --> 00:16:25,550

Пацаны, уже шесть утра,

мне нужно хоть немного поспать

00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,208

Блин, свадьба Шефа через три часа

00:16:27,209 --> 00:16:29,175

У нас совсем мало времени, чтобы

найти, как уничтожить отсоситебямона

00:16:29,176 --> 00:16:31,674

Знаете что?! Насрать на Шефа!

Я сказал! Насрать на него!

00:16:31,675 --> 00:16:33,922

Пускай женится на отсоситебямоне! Я хочу спать

00:16:34,223 --> 00:16:36,331

Вот! Вот! Глядите сюда! Тут сказано:

00:16:36,332 --> 00:16:40,816

Отсоситебямон завораживает свою жертву

жуткой мелодией. Это и есть сила отсоситебямонов.

00:16:40,817 --> 00:16:44,259

Только проиграв эту мелодию наоборот,

можно подавить силу отсоситебямона.

00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:45,512

Что вся эта хрень значит?

00:16:45,513 --> 00:16:46,448

Я не знаю

00:16:46,513 --> 00:16:49,448

Эй, п...ны! Па..ны! Я ду..ю,

я зна. .очно, . ..ачит!

00:16:49,513 --> 00:16:52,448

Это зна..., ..о мы до..ны сде..ть

.за..сь ...ни . ...ть по....стью сл.ва,

чт.бы по..м ...ся, как пе....вить их.

00:16:53,084 --> 00:16:54,031

Так

00:16:54,112 --> 00:16:58,512

А по..ом, мы до..ны вз..ть л.ст бу..ги и запи..ть

ка.ждое сл.во, ко...е мы сп.ли в об...ном по..дке.

А по.ом пр.сто сп.ть п..сню на....рот!.

00:16:58,616 --> 00:16:59,644

Ага

00:16:59,662 --> 00:17:00,612

Вот, чт. это зна.ит!

00:17:00,633 --> 00:17:03,071

А в натуре! Что там за песня,

которую она все время поет?

00:17:03,072 --> 00:17:05,524

И будет следующее утро

00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:10,864

Лишь ночь нам надо переждать.

Должны найти наш путь мы вместе…

00:17:10,865 --> 00:17:13,439

Точно! Мы должны выучить

эту песню задом наперед

00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,845

За три часа

00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,551

А блин! У меня глаза слипаются

00:17:20,552 --> 00:17:22,724

Нельзя засыпать.

Надо сосредоточиться на песне

00:17:22,725 --> 00:17:25,507

Ты приготовил магнитофон, Картман? Картман?

00:17:25,508 --> 00:17:27,197

Он спит! Вставай, жиртрест!

00:17:27,198 --> 00:17:27,866

Что, что, что?

00:17:27,867 --> 00:17:29,190

Чёрт возьми! Нельзя спать!

00:17:29,191 --> 00:17:31,142

Я не спал, я просто сильно задумался

00:17:31,143 --> 00:17:33,693

...и эти пришельцы забрали

меня на их корабль, так?

00:17:33,694 --> 00:17:35,071

Они проводили надо мной опыты и всё такое

00:17:35,072 --> 00:17:36,707

В тот вечер у нас был Тако салат

00:17:36,708 --> 00:17:38,711

Какая разница, что у нас

было на ужин, женщина!

00:17:38,712 --> 00:17:41,498

Так вот, у этого пришельца была

большая голова с большими черными глазами,

00:17:41,499 --> 00:17:44,952

и он склонился надо мной. Я сказал:

"Что тебе нужно от меня, пришелец?!"

00:17:44,953 --> 00:17:46,368

и знаете, что он ответил?

00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:47,278

Три дебесят

00:17:47,279 --> 00:17:49,453

Дай, я сам расскажу эту чертову историю, на!

00:17:49,454 --> 00:17:52,729

Он сказал: "три дебесят".

И тут я понял, что это - не пришелец,

00:17:52,730 --> 00:17:58,221

а это – чертов Лох-Несский монстр снова

пытается меня развести на три дебесят,

переодевшись в пришельца

00:17:58,222 --> 00:17:59,459

Ну, разве не чересчур?!

00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:01,748

Я дала ему три дебесят всего неделю тому.

00:18:01,749 --> 00:18:04,638

Что?! Ты дала этому чертову монстру еще

одни чертовы три дебесят?!

00:18:04,639 --> 00:18:05,644

Он надул меня

00:18:05,645 --> 00:18:08,499

Ха, неудивительно, что чёртов

монстр продолжает ходить к нам!

00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,000

Ты продолжаешь давать ему три дебесят!

00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:12,913

Вот она!

00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:23,928

Сука! Сука! Сука! Сука!

00:18:23,929 --> 00:18:26,769

Грязная сука! Ладно, Кайл и я пойдем,

займем свои позиции впереди

00:18:27,651 --> 00:18:31,856

Согласен ли ты, Шеф, взять эту женщину

в законные жены, и быть с ней...

00:18:31,857 --> 00:18:32,833

Согласен!

00:18:32,834 --> 00:18:34,697

О! Мой крошка женится!

00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:37,128

А ты, Вероника, согласна ли

взять Шефа своим папочкой?

00:18:37,129 --> 00:18:38,470

Согласна!

00:18:38,471 --> 00:18:40,675

Ну, а теперь особым образом разделим

с молодоженами клятву супружества песней

00:18:41,066 --> 00:18:42,080

Начинается

00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:46,129

"И будет следующее утро..."

00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:47,421

Давай, Картман!

00:18:49,938 --> 00:18:51,104

Давай, Картман!

00:18:53,646 --> 00:18:56,511

Дети! Вы разрушаете мою свадьбу!

00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:57,988

Я позабочусь о них!

00:18:57,989 --> 00:19:00,186

Картман! Проснись, ты,

жирный кусок дерьма!

00:19:03,812 --> 00:19:08,653

Искать! луч света продолжим и мы встретить

00:19:08,654 --> 00:19:12,202

нам тебя рассвет шанс дай переждать

00:19:12,237 --> 00:19:13,100

Какого хрена...

00:19:13,101 --> 00:19:14,574

надо нам ночь лишь...

00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:16,476

О нет! Плёнку заело!

00:19:23,373 --> 00:19:24,544

Что за...

00:19:24,545 --> 00:19:26,804

Она – проклятый отсоситебямон!

00:19:26,805 --> 00:19:28,854

Отсоситебямон пытается забрать моего малыша!

00:19:33,793 --> 00:19:34,992

Давай, Картман!

00:19:34,993 --> 00:19:36,192

Я не вижу ничего!

00:19:37,851 --> 00:19:39,364

О, боже мой! Она убила Кенни!

00:19:39,399 --> 00:19:40,365

Сволочь!

00:19:40,366 --> 00:19:43,124

Ты, проклятое чудище!

Прочь от моего малыша!

00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:45,018

Погоди! Посмотрю, может,

у меня есть три дебесят!

00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,261

Получилось!

00:19:47,262 --> 00:19:50,890

надо нам ночь лишь утро

00:19:51,365 --> 00:19:53,551

следующее будет И.

00:20:04,629 --> 00:20:06,440

Ого! Такое не каждый день увидишь!

00:20:08,509 --> 00:20:10,273

Прости, Шеф, мы должны были это сделать!

00:20:10,274 --> 00:20:12,526

Нет, я рад, что вы сделали это, дети

00:20:13,996 --> 00:20:17,624

Теперь, когда её нет, я не могу

даже понять, что я в ней находил

00:20:17,971 --> 00:20:19,432

Розовое жало тайской путаны

00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:21,303

Пойдем, дети, купим мороженого

00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:22,277

Ура!

00:20:23,974 --> 00:20:26,987

Что? Что тут было, пацаны? Кенни в порядке?

00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,108

Здравствуйте, дети!

00:20:31,109 --> 00:20:32,113

Привет, Шеф!

00:20:32,114 --> 00:20:34,071

Как насчет рыбных палочек и сладкого картофеля?

00:20:34,072 --> 00:20:35,133

С удовольствием!!

00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,262

Здорово, что ты вернулся, Шеф!

00:20:36,263 --> 00:20:38,745

Да, что ж, я получил

хороший урок на этой неделе...

00:20:38,746 --> 00:20:43,068

Иногда к тебе приходит любовь,

и ты веришь, что это навечно.

00:20:43,069 --> 00:20:47,309

Ты меняешь жизнь и плюешь на друзей,

а любовь – она быстротечна.

00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:51,610

Однажды любовь пройдет совсем,

пусть и сильной была любовь твоя к ней

00:20:51,611 --> 00:20:56,123

А ты окажешься ни с чем,

ведь думал за тебя твой ЧЛЕН!

00:20:56,124 --> 00:21:00,291

Так берегись же этой любви, эй

Она – ураган, берегись, ротозей

00:21:00,292 --> 00:21:02,794

Держись молодцом, не будь дураком

00:21:03,016 --> 00:21:05,765

и не дай тайской путане

заменить тебе твоих друзей

00:21:06,414 --> 00:21:08,107

Чертовски в точку, Гаррисон

00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:13,555

Привет, поросёнок! Как твои глазки?

00:21:13,556 --> 00:21:15,571

Уже завтра они будут в полном порядке,

00:21:15,572 --> 00:21:17,379

и мне больше никогда не придется

снова видеть тебя, никогда!!!

00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:20,041

Я не думаю, что это возможно,

поросенок, только не с твоими глазами

00:21:20,042 --> 00:21:21,799

Нет, не с моими...

00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,194

С этими.

00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:25,593

Он был донором органов?

00:21:25,594 --> 00:21:26,277

Конечно

00:21:26,278 --> 00:21:27,705

Ну что ж, тогда – за работу

00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,026

Говоришь, у тебя нет трех долларов

пятидесяти центов, не так ли?

00:21:32,711 --> 00:21:37,711

Коррекция перевода и

адаптация песен – (c) LazyMax

LazyMax@mail.com

00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,514

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,307

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:16,976

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,269

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,146

♪ Gonna leave my

woe's behind ♪

00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:21,814

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,441

♪ People spouting

"howdy neighbor" ♪

00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:24,859

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,694

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:30,156

[♪ Mumbling ♪]

00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,490

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,075

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:39,248

Mom, please,

can we just leave?

00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,125

You have to see

the eye doctor, Eric.

00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,668

But I hate

the eye doctor.

00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,295

He's always making

fun of me for being fat.

00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,630

You're not fat.

You're big-boned!

00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,591

That's what I told him

but he doesn't listen

to reason.

00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,301

Eric Cartman?

00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:51,927

Oh, weak.

00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,054

Hello Eric.

00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,305

Hi, Doctor Lott.

00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,514

How's my

little piggy, today?

00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,349

Hey, don't call me

"little piggy"!

00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,393

I just say that because

you're my little buddy.

00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:00,561

I'm just here

for an eye exam

00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:01,896

keep your fat jokes

to yourself!

00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:03,105

Hop up on

the chair.

00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,023

Don't break it, now.

00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,900

Goddamn it!

00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,526

Just kidding,

let's see how

your eyes are doing.

00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:08,861

All you have to do is

read the letters.

00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:09,904

Can you see

the letters?

00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,155

Yes.

00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,031

Read them

out for me.

00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:15,576

I-am-a-little-piggy.

00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:16,619

Hey!

- Ha ha ha!

00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,287

That does it!

Mom!

00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,747

No no, that's just a

weird coincidence.

00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,499

I do not know

how that happened.

00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:23,667

"I am a little piggy,"

what are the

odds of that!

00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,961

Alright, let's get down

to business, shall we?

00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:27,505

Gee that's a good idea.

00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:29,215

My mom isn't paying you

to be a comedian.

00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,383

Hmmm, let's see,

which is better,

1 or 2?

00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,761

They look exactly the same!

00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:34,929

Just pick one--

or 2?

00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,764

I dunno-2.

00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,723

Okay.

00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,934

1 or 2?

1 or 2?

00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:41,143

Uh, 1.

00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,229

1 or 2?

1 or 2?

00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:44,438

2!

00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,524

No! The answer is

1, piggy, 1!

00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,109

Ooww, I hate you!

00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:49,944

Yes, there's obviously

a problem with your eyes.

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:52,404

I'm going to have to

dilate them and

run some tests.

00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,079

I wonder how come

Cartman's not in

school today?

00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,914

Yeah, usually when he

ditches school he still

shows up for lunch!

00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:02,957

[mumbling]

00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:04,333

Ha ha ha!

00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,584

Yeah, oh,

here he comes!

00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:06,877

Hey, dudes.

00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,132

Wow, what happened

to your eyes, Cartman?

00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,883

My asshole eye doctor

made them all diabated.

00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:13,592

Why?

00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,844

Why? I'll tell you why,

00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,220

because he's a

goddamn asshole,

00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:17,680

and that's about it!

00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:18,764

Why do you have

to see an eye doctor?

00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,015

Because my eyes suck.

00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,517

But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to

go back tomorrow.

00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,061

I don't know what

I'm gonna do!

00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:25,980

Dude, just ask Chef for help,

he always knows what to do.

00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:26,647

Hey yeah.

00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:27,857

Oww!

00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:28,941

Hey Chef!

00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,401

Hello there, children!

00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,444

Dudes, now my eyes

are screwed up.

00:02:32,570 --> 00:02:33,988

Chef looks like a

skinny little white guy!

00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:35,322

It's time for luncharoo!

00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:35,948

Where's Chef?

00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,116

Chef quit!

00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,492

[all]

What!

00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,369

Chef is gone,

so let me introduce myself...

00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,663

I'm your new cook,

Mr. Derp!

00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,039

[♪ Fanfare ♪]

00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,374

Mr. Derp?

00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,042

When I'm

in the kitchen,

00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,837

you never know what

nutty things are gonna happen.

00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:53,132

If you liked Chef,

you're gonna love Mr. Derp!

00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,216

[♪ Fanfare ♪]

00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,384

Ooh-derp!

00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:57,469

Derp!

00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:59,013

Wasn't that silly kids?

00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:00,556

Ha ha ha!

00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,850

Why did Chef quit?

00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,643

Aren't I

a great character?

00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,104

My antics go

right to the funnybone!

00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,065

Ooh, I don't feel so good.

00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,650

Ha ha ha, derp!

00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:14,111

Could you just hand us

some food, please?

00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:18,949

Sure gang, I have yellow stuff

or white stuff. Derp!

00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,534

Can I have the yellow

with a side of white?

00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,745

Dude, I hate Mr. Derp.

00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,413

Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef

after school

00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,248

and get him

to come back.

00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,125

I don't know, you guys. That

hammer thing is pretty funny.

00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,168

Shut up, Cartman!

00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,129

Oww!

00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,422

Oh, hello there, children!

00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,798

Chef, what the hell

are you doing?

00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:35,841

We almost starved

to death at lunch today!

00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,051

Oh, didn't

they tell you?

00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,594

I quit.

00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,637

Yeah, but we

didn't believe them.

00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:40,971

Well, it's true.

00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,139

But why?

00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,891

Why would you quit?

00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,184

Children, 3 nights ago

I was at the library

00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,936

checking out some books

on Kama Sutra,

00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,271

when I met the most

amazing woman, ever!

00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,731

She knew so much about

so many things.

00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,566

She really

got me thinking.

00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:55,861

We eventually came back to my place

and really hit it off!

00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,821

So you made sweet love

to her down by the fire?

00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:01,617

No no, we just sat there

all night long and... talked.

00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,244

Talked?

00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:04,995

Yeah, she told me all about

the power of the Goddess.

00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,164

And how man had been

oppressing women for years

00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,874

and viewing them

as sexual objects.

00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,794

And I realized that

I had done that myself!

00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,462

Oh, what darling

little children!

00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,964

Here she is now.

00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,715

Children, meet my new

girlfriend, Veronica.

00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,384

That's nice.

00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,094

Look Chef, Cartman's got

this eye doctor--girlfriend?

00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,971

Children, Veronica's

moving in with me.

00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:22,888

Moving in?

00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,139

I'm in love.

00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,307

[all]

Love?!

00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,767

Oh, you nut!

00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,769

What the hell

is going on?

00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:31,105

Veronica spent the whole day

sharing her favorite poems

with me.

00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,523

Sorry, boys.

00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,692

Looks like I'm stealing

Chef away from you.

00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:36,443

But Chef always helps us

with our problems.

00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,612

When we have a problem,

Chef sings to us and

makes it better!

00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,072

Well I can still

do that, children.

00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,949

In fact, Veronica

can help me.

00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,325

She's a

great singer too.

00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,451

What's the problem?

00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,828

My eyes are going bad

00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:46,745

but the only eye doctor

in South Park

00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,289

is really, really mean.

00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:50,666

Oh, I know

just the song for you.

00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:56,171

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:04:56,297 --> 00:05:00,801

♪ If we can hold on

to the night ♪

00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,972

♪ We have a chance

to find the sunshine ♪

00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:08,684

♪ Let's keep on looking

for the light... ♪♪

00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,894

This... is insane.

00:05:13,022 --> 00:05:14,481

That bitch!

00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,774

She's stealing

Chef from us!

00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:16,984

He didn't even

seem like Chef.

00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:18,902

He seemed like an

empty shell of a man.

00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:20,070

Maybe it's

just a phase.

00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:21,488

We just have to

get him alone

00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,782

so we can tell him

what a bitch she is!

00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,367

Wait, you guys...

00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,536

Maybe, is it possible

that we're just jealous

00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,079

because Chef

is our friend

00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,832

and now he's paying attention

to somebody new?

00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,792

Yeah, so?

00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,419

Yeah, screw

that bitch!

00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,879

Bitch, I hate

that bitch!

00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,630

Look, we've just

got to get Chef alone.

00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,549

He won't listen to reason

with that hooker around.

00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,676

Let's find out where he's

working and go see him

there tomorrow.

00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,303

Good idea!

00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,680

Alright, we've got the

test results back, piggy--

00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,474

Stop calling

me piggy!

00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,893

You've got a small stigmatism

that's causing all the problems.

00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,062

What does

that mean?

00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,939

It means, piggy, that your

eyesight is never going

to get better.

00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:59,693

Alright. Right now, I'm gonna be

totally serious, okay?

00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:01,904

If you call me piggy

one more time,

00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,822

I'm gonna leap

out of this chair

00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,783

and rip your goddamn nuts off

with my bare hands!

00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,659

Well don't worry,

I've got something

00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:09,870

that is going to make

your eyes as good as new.

00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,624

Oh dude, super weak.

00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:15,000

I'm not wearing these.

00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,002

The guys would

totally rip on me!

00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,379

I know the hardest

thing to do

00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,047

is get kids

to wear their glasses.

00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,632

I'm just gonna take them off

as soon as I leave.

00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:23,467

That's why we have

the little stapler.

00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,302

Oww, son of a bitch!

00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,971

They said Chef works in

one of these buildings.

00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,225

Hey, dudes.

00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:34,686

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:37,648

"Ha ha ha, look at Cartman

with his stupid glasses.

Ha ha ha."

00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,274

Dude, just

take them off!

00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,984

I can't, it's stapled

to my head!

00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,446

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:46,657

I hate you guys.

00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,535

Hello and welcome to

Steinburg & Burgstein,

can I help you?

00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:50,369

We want to

talk to Chef!

00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,204

Chef?

00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,163

He's a big guy with a beard

and a Chef's hat.

00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,498

[mumbling]

00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,541

Oh, the black guy!

00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:56,667

Huh?

00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,293

Third cubicle

on the left.

00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,755

Hey, aren't you that cute

little kid from Jerry Mcguire?

00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,215

Uh yeah,

sure, sure!

00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,716

Wow, you really got fat!

00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:05,843

Hey!

00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,261

Hello there children!

00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:08,303

Hey Chef.

00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:09,805

Eric, you've got glasses!

00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,473

Chef, you have to

dump the bitch.

00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,516

Huh?

00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,393

We need you Chef!

00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,353

Hey Chef, we're all gonna run

down to the office supply store

00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,480

and get some leather holders

for our pagers, you wanna come?

00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,690

You bet!

00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:21,900

Chef this place

isn't you.

00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,611

Children, Veronica has shown

me that I've been living a very empty life.

00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,905

Meaningless sex is fun

for 20 or 30 years,

00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,532

but after that,

it starts to get old.

00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,033

But we don't

like her!

00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,118

Why not?

00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:32,536

I don't know.

No reason, I guess.

00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,538

Children, friends get

girlfriends all the time.

00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,790

It's something even you

will have to face

with each other someday.

00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,709

No way, dude!

00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,627

Please Chef, I don't know what

to do about my stupid glasses!

00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:43,088

That's easy, get some

laser-corrective surgery.

00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,590

That's what I did!

00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,508

Hey, laser-corrective surgery,

thanks Chef!

00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,552

You see, everything's gonna be

fine.

00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,679

How about I meet you boys after

work and we can play ball?

00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,889

[all]

Okay!

00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,974

Chef should be here

any minute.

00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,320

Dude, he bailed on us!

00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:07,571

I can't believe it!

00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,573

C'mon, we're going

to his house.

00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,576

[knocking]

00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:13,911

Oh! Hello there children.

00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:16,246

Alright mister!

00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,248

You'd better have a good

explanation why you didn't

show up to play ball!

00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,709

Oh children,

I'm sorry, I forgot.

00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,753

You forgot?

00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,463

Veronica surprised me

at the office and took me out to dinner.

00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,548

She's so amazing!

00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,217

Well, we've got something to

tell you about Veronica, Chef.

00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,968

Hello, children!

00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,471

Man, we're having a dude

man to man here if you don't mind.

00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,264

Children, I've got some

great news for you.

00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,767

Veronica and I

are getting married.

00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,770

Oh no, no no no!

00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:41,647

My whole family's coming in

for the wedding.

00:08:41,772 --> 00:08:43,232

I want you boys

to come, too.

00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,358

This is so wonderful!

00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:45,859

Let's sing!

00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:50,447

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,576

♪ If we can hold on

to the night ♪

00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:58,288

♪ We have a chance to

find the sunshine... ♪♪

00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,545

And that, children,

is what you need to know

00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,296

about the facts of life.

00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,548

So let's review...

00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,132

Tootie left in the 4th season,

00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,385

but Blair and Jo stayed on

and got husbands,

00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,929

leaving the 5th and 6th seasons

hideously stagnant.

00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,597

[bell ringing]

00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,974

Okay, children, that's lunch,

see you in 30 minutes.

00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,350

Mr. Garrison,

can we talk to you?

00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,060

Sure!

00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:20,811

Normally we go to Chef

with our problems,

00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,104

but we can't

this time!

00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,523

Well, children,

I am your teacher.I think you'll find

00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:27,484

that my advice is just as valuable

as Chef's, if not more so.

00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,654

Alright, Mr. Garrison, have you ever had

a friend who got a new girlfriend

00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,656

and then stopped being your friend

and it pissed you off?

00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,783

Oh, the old succubus syndrome.

00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,743

What's a "succubus"?

00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,162

A succubus is a woman sent

from hell to suck the life out of a man!

00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,789

That's it!

- Yeaah!

00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,708

There's not much you can do

about a succubus.

00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,459

Their evil power makes man

blind to love.

00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:45,919

This is totally

what's happening!

00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,379

Wow! You are smart,

Mr. Garrison!

00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,423

Yeah, I tell you boys,

women can kill.

00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,592

Poontang's expensive.

00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:53,719

That's why when it comes to chicks,

I just screw 'em and leave 'em.

00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,847

I say, "get out of my bedroom,

poontang, before you suck

my life dry."

00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:57,681

Thanks Mr. Garrison.

00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,057

Sure, kids!

00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,352

You're not

fooling anyone.

00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,229

Shut your hole, Mr. Head!

00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,273

C'mon guys, we gotta go tell Chef

he's in love with a succubus!

00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,108

Yeah, he's gonna be

so thankful we told him!

00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,651

There you are, Eric!

00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,403

C'mon we have to go to

the eye doctor!

00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,530

Oh, no!

00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,991

C'mon, do you want

your laser-corrective

surgery or not?

00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,492

Yes, but can't we

wait 'til tomorrow?

00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,328

Now, hon.

00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,956

But Mom, I have to tell Chef

that he's marrying a succubus.

00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,209

[door bell]

00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,545

Hello there, children.

00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,630

Who are you?

00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:31,048

I'm Chef's father.

00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:31,923

We just flew in

for the wedding.

00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,175

Oh, hi, is Chef here?

00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,092

We have to talk to him!

00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,218

Yeah, c'mon on in.

00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,345

There he is!

00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,180

Chef, we have to talk to you!

00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,473

Ooh, not now children.

00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:41,266

I gotta get fitted

for my britches.

00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,601

Be right back!

00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,360

Well, aren't you crackers

just cute as a dickens.

00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:52,653

You're Chef's parents?

00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,071

Yes, all his life!

00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,405

We have to talk to him!

00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,199

Well, he should be out

now directly.

00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,701

Oh, he's so excited

about the wedding!

00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,080

Say, would you crackers love

to hear about the time

00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,706

we saw the

Loch Ness monster?

00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,166

No, that's okay.

00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,585

Ooh, it must've been about

7, 8 years ago.

00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:12,172

Me and the little lady was

out on this boat, you see,

all alone at night.

00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,007

When all of a sudden

a huge creature--

00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,885

this giant crustacean

from the Paleolithic era

00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,595

comes out

from the water!

00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,889

We were so scared, Lord,

I jumped up in the boat

and said,

00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,141

Thomas, what on earth is

that creature?

00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,685

It's stood above us,

looking down,

00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,019

with these

big red eyes--

00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,021

Ooh, it's so scary!

00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,023

And I yelled, I said,

"what do you want from us,

monster?"

00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:32,609

And the monster bent down

and said,

00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:36,446

"I need about three-fitty."

00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:37,656

What's three-fitty?

00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,074

Three dollars and

fifty cents.

00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:39,866

Three-fitty.

00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:40,909

He wanted money?

00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,911

That's right!

I said,

00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,163

"I ain't giving you no

three-fitty, you goddamn

Loch Ness monster!"

00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,873

"get your own

goddamn money!"

00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,083

I gave him a dollar!

00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,543

She gave him a dollar!

00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,211

I thought he'd go away if

I gave him a dollar!

00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,839

Well, of course he's not

gonna go away now.

00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,508

You gave him a dollar,

he's gonna assume

you got more!

00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,595

Okay, lets get started...

00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,681

You're here for

the liposuction, right?

00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:03,640

[giggle]

00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,850

Oh, you son of a bitch!

00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,018

Alright, time to laser me

a little piggy!

00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,311

Ha ha ha!

00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,063

Hey!

You son of a bitch.

00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,690

I'm gonna kick you

square in the--

00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:12,691

[gas hissing]

00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735

Ehh...ehh...ahh.

00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,446

I bet his mom wishes

she could do that!

00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:22,451

And that was the third time

we saw the Loch Ness monster!

00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,994

Then one time,

I believe it was July--

00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:25,203

August.

00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,872

August- there's a knock

on the door,

00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,999

I opened it, and there's this

cute little girl scout.

00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,418

Oh she's so adorable with

little pig tails 'n all.

00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:33,044

And she said to me,

00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,296

"how would you like to

buy some cookies?"

00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,506

And I said, "well,

what kind do you have?"

00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,508

She had "Thin Mints"

"Graham Crunchy Thins"--

00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:39,801

"Raisin Oatmeal"

00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,511

"Raisin Oatmeal"...

00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,054

And I said, "we'll

take a graham crunch."

00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,306

"How much will that be?"

00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,016

And she looks at me

and she says,

00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,642

"I need about three-fitty!"

00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,352

[mother]

Three-fitty.

00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:52,481

Well, it's about that time

that I noticed

00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,317

this girl scout was

about 8 stories tall,

00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,944

and was a crustacean

from the planet Ogere.

00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,237

The Loch Ness monster!

00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,656

I said, "damnit monster,

get off my lawn!

00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,283

I ain't giving you

no three-fitty!"

00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,285

She said, "how about

just two-fitty!"

00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,788

I said, "oh now it's

only two-fitty!"

00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,207

"what is there a sale on

Loch Ness munchies

or something?"

00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,458

Lord, he was angry!

00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:12,834

Damn right

I was angry!

00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,085

Not you,

the monster!

00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,378

He was about to

kick your ass!

00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:16,713

Shut your mouth,

woman!

00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,673

Uh, can you just

tell Chef we were here!

00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:19,633

Sure!

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:20,801

That crazy old monster.

00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,469

And then,

the fourth time...

00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,391

Cartman, what the hell

are you doing?

00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,435

That asshole eye doctor

screwed up my laser surgery.

00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,062

I have to wear these bandages

for 3 days.

00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,396

Damn, your eyes must

really suck, Cartman!

00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,065

Oh thanks for the

news flash, Tom Brokaw!

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,191

What happened to Chef?

00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,442

Did you tell him she's a

succubus!

00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,152

Oh, we couldn't

even talk to him.

00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,654

She's so evil she has him

totally kept away from us.

00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:41,988

Eric, you have

a little visitor.

00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,031

Is that all right?

00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,283

Okay.

00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,161

Hello, boys.

00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,247

I heard Eric had laser surgery,

so I made him a pie.

00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,456

Aaaggh, it's

the succubus!

00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,582

Huh?

00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:53,750

We know what you are lady!

00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,751

Yeah!

00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,752

You're a bloodthirsty succubus!

00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,504

A what?

00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,256

A demon from hell sent to suck

life out of men!

00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,467

Boys, you know how silly that

sounds, don't you?

00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,428

Well, you are taking

Chef from us!

00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:08,640

Boys, come here, I want to

explain this to you.

00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:12,394

I know Chef is your friend,

but Chef is a grown man.

00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,438

He has needs

you boys can't fulfill.

00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:17,941

He wants a life with me

because I make him happy.

00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,776

Do you understand?

00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:20,902

I guess.

00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,487

Good!

00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:25,824

Oh, and boys,

just one more thing...

00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,993

I'm going to

marry Chef tomorrow,

00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,871

[demonic voice]

and there's not a Goddamn thing

you can do about it!

00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:31,872

Ha ha ha!

00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,498

Aaaarrgghh!

00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,292

Toodle-loo!

00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:37,335

Jesus, dude!

00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,336

What? What happened?

00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,136

Could I have

your attention, please!

00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:50,223

Tomorrow my son is gonna get

married to a beautiful lady.

00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,017

I'm very happy

for them both.

00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,394

I told myself

I wasn't gonna cry now.

00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:55,645

It's okay Pap!

00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,606

Now you're gonna

get me going, hah!

00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,067

I remember when Chef was

just a 3-year-old little man.

00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,194

He came running up to me

with a big smile

00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,529

and his little

Chef's hat on,

00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,406

and he said,

"Papa, Papa!"

00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,867

I said, "what do you

need Chef, my boy?"

00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,660

And he said, "I need about

three-fitty!"

00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,746

Three-fitty.

00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:16,583

Well it was about that time I

got suspicious, I said, "Chef,

00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,293

why do you

need three-fitty?"

00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:22,005

He said, "my imaginary friend,

Goo-Goo the Dinosaur wants it!"

00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,425

I went to my son's room

and sure enough, there was

00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,551

the Loch Ness monster!

00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:27,928

Aw, it was scary!

00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,638

I said,

"damn it, monster!"

00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,473

"you stop bugging

my children now!

00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,516

"we work for our money

in this house!

00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,185

We don't

give money away!"

00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,728

Excuse me...

00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,271

We're sorry to interrupt,

but we've got bad news.

00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,231

This is not a woman!

00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:41,191

It is a succubus!

00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,108

What?

00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,860

Yeah!

00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,195

She's evil and wants to

suck Chef's life out of him!

00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529

Children!

00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,781

That hurts

my feelings!

00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,824

Oh, you can pretend

all you want!

00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,201

You're not fooling

anybody!

00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,160

Alright, guys!

00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,453

That's enough!

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,163

I have had it with you!

00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,706

This is the happiest

time of my life,

00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,249

and you can't be

happy for me!

00:15:58,375 --> 00:15:59,292

Chef, but--

00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,752

No "buts", Stan!

00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,504

I love this woman and

I am marrying her...

00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:06,466

Now you can either accept that

or get out of my life!

00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,135

Now if you'll excuse us,

we're having a party!

00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,763

...So I chased the monster

down the street, you see!

00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,390

I guess there's

nothing we can do.

00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:14,474

Chef likes her

more than us!

00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:15,642

No!

00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:16,810

I'm not willing

to give up!

00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,436

Chef wouldn't

give up on us!

00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,854

Oh, man!

00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,398

There's tons of stuff

on succubuses,

00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,233

but there's nothing on

how to stop them!

00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,110

You guys, it's 6 in the morning,

I have to get some sleep!

00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,112

Dude, Chef's wedding is

in 3 hours.

00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,405

We've got that much time to find out

how to destroy a succubus!

00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:29,364

You know what?

00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,699

Screw Chef. There- I said it! Screw him!

00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:32,283

Let him marry Succubus!

00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:34,202

I wanna go to sleep!

00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,037

Here, here!

Look at this!

00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,498

It says, "the succubus enchants

its victim with an eerie melody,

00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,500

"this is the succubi power,

00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,085

"only playing

this melody backwards

00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,712

can vanquish the

succubus' power!"

00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,338

What the hell

does that mean?

00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:46,047

I don't know.

00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:50,135

[mumbling]

00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:53,596

Right...

00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:58,184

[mumbling]

00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,728

Yeah...

00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,229

Ohhh...

00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,647

Hey yeah, what's that song

she always sings?

00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,983

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,736

♪ If we can hold on

to the night ♪

00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,196

♪ We've got to find

our way together ♪

00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,573

That's it!

00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:12,699

We gotta learn

that song backwards!

00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,284

In 3 hours!

00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,582

Oh, man, I can't

keep my eyes open!

00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,584

We can't fall asleep,

we gotta nail that song!

00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,127

You've got the

tape recorder, Cartman?

00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,420

Cartman!

00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,755

He's asleep,

wake up, fat ass!

00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,089

What what what?

00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,716

Goddamn it,

you can't fall asleep!

00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:31,217

I wasn't sleeping, I was just

thinking really hard!

00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,720

And then these aliens

had me up in the ship, right

00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:34,763

they was probing me

and all that...

00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,181

We had taco salad

that night!

00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,558

Don't matter what

we had for dinner, woman!

00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,894

Now these aliens had a

big head and big black eyes

00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,645

and it was all

bent over me.

00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,272

I said, "what do you

want from me, alien?"

00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,648

And you know what he said?

00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:46,900

Three-fitty.

00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,610

Let me tell

the damn story now!

00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,111

He said, "three-fitty"!

00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,155

And so I realized

it was no alien...

00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,949

It was that Goddamn

Loch Ness monster again,

00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,743

trying to trick me

into giving him three-fitty

00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:57,952

by dressing up

like an alien!

00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,412

Don't that beat all!

00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,206

I just given him three-fitty

the week before!

00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:02,916

What?

00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,292

You gave that monster

another damn three-fitty!

00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,252

He tricked me!

00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,630

Well no wonder the damn monster

keeps coming back to our house.

00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,923

You keep giving him the

three-fitty!

00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,176

[Stan]

There she is!

00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:22,268

Bitch!

00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:23,144

Bitch!

00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,938

Dirty bitch!

00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:26,231

Alright, Kenny and I are gonna

take position up-front.

00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:28,274

Okay!

00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:30,276

Do you Chef take this woman

as your lawful wedded wife?

00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,236

To have and to--

00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,445

I do!

00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,155

Oh, my baby's

getting married!

00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,533

And do you, Veronica,

take Chef to be your daddy?

00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,034

I do.

00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,411

And now a special

sharing of vows through song.

00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,122

Here it goes...

00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,625

♪ There's got to be

a morning after ♪

00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,043

Now, Cartman!

00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:47,961

[gasp]

00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,797

Now, Cartman!

00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,177

Children, you're

screwing up my wedding!

00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,762

I'll take care

of them!

00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,140

Cartman, wake up,

you fat piece of crap!

00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,015

Oww!

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:07,272

♪ Light... the for looking

on keep let's sunshine ♪

00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,273

Aaaarrghh!

00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:09,440

♪ The find to chance ♪

00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,401

No-oooo!

00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,194

What the...?

00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,404

[music stops]

00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,989

Oh no, the tape jammed!

00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:17,699

[growling]

00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:24,247

What the...?

00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,207

She's a

Goddamn succubus!

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,209

Succubus is trying

to take my baby!

00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:31,254

[growling]

00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,464

[all]

Arrrgh!

00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,757

C'mon, Cartman!

00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,009

I can't see

anything!

00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:37,343

[growl]

00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,720

Oh my God,

she killed Kenny!

00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,054

You bastard!

00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,724

You damn monster

get away from my baby!

00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,059

Hold on, I'll see

if I have three-fitty!

00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,604

Got it!

00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,690

♪ The through on hold

can we if after ♪

00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,026

♪ Morning a be

to got there's ♪

00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:54,986

[growling]

00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,906

♪ Warm...

and safe that's-♪♪

00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,789

Oh wow, you don't

see that everyday!

00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,959

We're sorry, Chef,

we had to do it.

00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:12,962

No, I'm glad

you did, children...

00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,006

Now that she's gone,

00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,467

I can't really figure out

what I ever saw in her!

00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,010

Poontang's poontang.

00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,970

C'mon, children,

let's go get some ice cream.

00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,305

Hurray!

00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,391

Wait, what

happened, you guys?

00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,226

Is Kenny okay?

00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,230

Hello there,

children!

00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,814

Hey, Chef!

00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,900

How would you like some

fish sticks and tater tots?

00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,318

We'd love them!

00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,861

It's great to have

you back, Chef!

00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,279

Yeah, well, I learned a very

important lesson this week!

00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,406

♪ Sometimes you

fall in love ♪

00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,492

♪ And you think you'll

feel that way forever ♪

00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,535

♪ You change your life,

and ignore your friends ♪

00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,579

♪ 'cause you think

it can't get any better ♪

00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,915

♪ But then

love goes away ♪

00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,125

♪ No matter what,

it doesn't stay as strong ♪

00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:53,294

♪ And then you're

left with nothing ♪

00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,296

♪ 'cause you're

thinking with your dong ♪

00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,757

♪ So watch out

for that lover ♪

00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,884

♪ It can destroy

like a typhoon wind ♪

00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,178

♪ Just play it cool

and don't be a fool ♪

00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,348

And never let poontang come

between you and your friends!

00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,642

Damn right, Garrison!

00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:13,106

Oh, hello, piggy.

How are your eyes doing?

00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,607

After today they're

going to be fine

00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,693

and I'll never have to

see you ever again!

00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:19,070

I don't think that's possible,

piggy, not with your eyes!

00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:20,822

No, not with

my eyes!

00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,073

With these!

00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:23,283

Ha ha ha!

00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,742

Was he an

organ donor?

00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,244

Sure!

00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:27,287

Alright, then

let's get to work!

00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,457

Say, you don't have

$3.50 on you, do you?

00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:35,461

♪ Light... ♪

00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:39,424

♪ The for looking on

keep let's sunshine... ♪

00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:43,303

♪ The find to chance

a have we night... ♪

00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:46,973

♪ The through on hold

can we if after ♪

00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:49,976

♪ Morning a be

to got there's ♪

00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,770

♪ Warm... ♪

00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:54,772

♪ And safe that's

place a find and ♪

00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:58,943

♪ Toge...ther bridge the cross

we don't why storm ♪♪

00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:02,280

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