Суккуб — Шеф собирается жениться. Друзья волнуются, потому что он и особенно его невеста ведут себя как-то странно, и пытаются помешать свадьбе.

Предыдущая серия S03 E02 Самопроизвольное возгорание

Следующая серия S03 E04 Яковозавры

Суккуб

Succubus

Сезон: 03Серия: 03

Описание

Шеф собирается жениться. Друзья волнуются, потому что он и особенно его невеста ведут себя как-то странно, и пытаются помешать свадьбе.

Субтитры

00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,850 Мам, пожалуйста, пойдём отсюда.
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,850 Тебе надо к офтальмологу, Эрик.
00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:44,350 Ненавижу офтальмолога. Он всё время говорит, что я жирный.
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,350 Ты не жирный, просто у тебя кость широкая.
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:48,850 Я ему и говорю, а он не понимает.
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:50,100 Эрик Картман.
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:51,850 Блин...
00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:52,850 Привет, Эрик!
00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:54,100 Привет, д-р Лотт.
00:00:54,850 --> 00:00:56,100 Как поживает наш поросёночек?
00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:57,600 Эй, не называйте меня поросёночком!
00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,350 Ты же мой приятель.
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,600 Я здесь для обследования, понятно? Шуточки про жир оставьте при себе!
00:01:02,850 --> 00:01:04,350 Залезай на стул. Только не сломай!
00:01:04,850 --> 00:01:05,600 Твою мать!
00:01:05,850 --> 00:01:07,975 Шучу. Давай проверим глаза.
00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:10,100 Видишь буквы?
00:01:10,350 --> 00:01:10,850 Да.
00:01:11,100 --> 00:01:12,600 Хорошо, читай.
00:01:12,850 --> 00:01:15,100 Я... маленький
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,800 ...поросёночек...
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:18,350 Ну всё! Мааам!
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:22,475 Нет-нет. Это просто совпадение. Ума не приложу, как это произошло.
00:01:22,476 --> 00:01:26,350 "Я маленький поросёночек". Кто бы мог подумать! Ладно, перейдём к делу.
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,100 Отличная идея! Моя мама платит не за ваши шутки!
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:33,100 Так, один или два? Один или два?
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:34,600 Они одинаковые.
00:01:34,850 --> 00:01:35,850 Просто выбери один. Или два?
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:36,850 Не знаю! Два!
00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:40,100 ОК. Один или два? Один или два?
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,100 Э... один
00:01:41,350 --> 00:01:43,350 Один или два? Один или два?
00:01:43,850 --> 00:01:44,600 Два!
00:01:44,850 --> 00:01:46,600 Нет! Правильный ответ - один, поросёнок! Один!
00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:47,850 Ааа! Я тебя ненавижу!
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:50,100 Да, у тебя явно проблемы с глазами.
00:01:50,101 --> 00:01:52,100 Я расширю тебе зрачки и проведу обследование.
00:01:58,100 --> 00:01:59,850 Интересно, почему Картман сегодня не в школе?
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:02,100 Ага. Он даже, когда прогуливает, приходит на обед.
00:02:05,050 --> 00:02:06,000 Точно. А вот и он!
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,000 Привет, пацаны.
00:02:09,850 --> 00:02:10,850 Что с твоими глазами, Картман?
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:12,850 Доктор мне их закапал.
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:13,600 Зачем?
00:02:13,850 --> 00:02:15,850 Зачем? Я скажу вам, зачем!
00:02:15,851 --> 00:02:17,850 Потому что он - проклятый мудак!
00:02:18,350 --> 00:02:19,100 А зачем ты ходил к доктору?
00:02:19,350 --> 00:02:21,225 У меня какая-то херня с глазами. Доктор оказался садистом.
00:02:21,226 --> 00:02:23,100 Мне придётся опять идти к нему завтра, и я не знаю, что делать.
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,600 Чувак, спроси Шефа. Он всегда знает, что делать.
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,100 Точно!
00:02:28,850 --> 00:02:29,350 Привет, Шеф!
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,600 Привет, дети.
00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:33,850 Чуваки, у меня точно испортилось зрение. Шеф выглядит тощим белым парнем.
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:35,600 Пора обедать.
00:02:35,850 --> 00:02:36,350 А где Шеф?
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,100 Шеф уволился.
00:02:37,350 --> 00:02:37,850 Что?!
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:40,600 Шефа больше нет. Разрешите представиться -
00:02:40,601 --> 00:02:43,100 я ваш новый повар, мистер Дюрп!
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:45,850 Мистер Дюрп?
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:49,600 Когда я на кухне, никогда не знаешь, какие безумные вещи могут произойти.
00:02:49,601 --> 00:02:53,100 Если вам нравится Шеф, то вы меня полюбите.
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,850 Ооо! Дюрп!
00:02:58,851 --> 00:03:01,100 Правда, это было глупо, ребята?
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,100 Почему Шеф уволился?
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:06,350 Разве я не великолепен?
00:03:06,351 --> 00:03:10,350 Что-то мне нехорошо.
00:03:10,351 --> 00:03:13,000 Дюрп!
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:15,100 Не могли бы вы просто дать нам обед?
00:03:15,350 --> 00:03:19,100 Конечно, парни! Есть жёлтая фигня и белая фигня. Дюрп!
00:03:19,350 --> 00:03:20,600 Можно мне жёлтой фигни и половинку белой?
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,850 Ненавижу мистера Дюрпа!
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:25,350 Да! После школы надо поговорить с Шефом, чтобы он вернулся.
00:03:25,850 --> 00:03:28,100 Не знаю, пацаны. Та шутка с молотком была довольно смешной.
00:03:28,350 --> 00:03:29,100 Заткнись, Картман!
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:33,850 О, привет, дети!
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:36,100 Шеф, какого чёрта ты делаешь? Мы сегодня чуть не умерли с голоду за обедом.
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,350 Разве вам не сказали? Я уволился.
00:03:38,850 --> 00:03:39,850 Да, но мы не поверили.
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:41,600 Ну, это правда.
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,350 Но почему? Почему ты уволился?
00:03:43,850 --> 00:03:46,832 Три ночи назад я ходил в библиотеку почитать Камасутру
00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:49,815 и там я встретил потрясающую женщину.
00:03:49,850 --> 00:03:52,850 Она знает так много вещей. Она действительно заставила меня задуматься.
00:03:52,851 --> 00:03:55,850 В конце концов, мы пришли ко мне домой и действительно "подружились".
00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:57,850 Так вы занимались с ней любовью на полу у камина?
00:03:58,350 --> 00:04:01,850 Нет, мы просто сидели всю ночь и... разговаривали.
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:02,850 Разговаривали?!
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:07,475 Да. Она рассказала мне о богине, и том, как мужчины долгие годы угнетали женщин
00:04:07,476 --> 00:04:11,850 и видели в них только сексуальные объекты, и я понял, что сам так поступал.
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:13,850 Ах, какие милые детки!
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,850 Вот она, дети. Знакомьтесь, моя новая подруга Вероника.
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:18,600 Очень мило. Слушай, Шеф, Картман ходил к врачу и он...
00:04:18,601 --> 00:04:20,100 ПОДРУГА?
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,350 Дети, Вероника переезжает ко мне.
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:23,350 Переезжает?!
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:24,350 Я влюблён.
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:25,100 Влюблён?!
00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:26,350 О, мой рыцарь.
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,100 Какого чёрта здесь происходит?
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:31,350 Вероника целый день рассказывала мне её любимые стихи.
00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:34,850 Извините, мальчики, похоже, что я похитила вашего друга.
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:38,850 Но Шеф всегда нам помогал. Если у нас были проблемы, он пел, и всё становилось лучше.
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,475 Ну, я всё ещё могу спеть вам.
00:04:41,476 --> 00:04:43,850 А Вероника мне поможет. Она ещё и отличная певица.
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:44,850 В чём проблема?
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:48,100 У меня плохо с глазами, а единственный офтальмолог в Саут Парке - дерьмо.
00:04:48,350 --> 00:04:50,600 О, я как раз знаю подходящую песню.
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:58,350 Наступит утро Если мы продержимся ночь
00:04:58,351 --> 00:05:04,100 У нас есть шанс найти свет
00:05:04,135 --> 00:05:08,850 Продолжим искать свет
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,600 Ну и бред.
00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:14,850 Ну и сука!
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,100 Он украла у нас Шефа.
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,100 Он даже сам на себя не похож. Он похож на пустую оболочку человека.
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,100 Может, это - просто переходный возраст?
00:05:21,101 --> 00:05:22,600 Нужно остаться с ним наедине и рассказать, какая она сука.
00:05:22,850 --> 00:05:28,600 Подождите, пацаны. Может быть, мы просто ревнуем, потому что Шеф - наш друг,
00:05:28,635 --> 00:05:32,100 а теперь он уделяет внимание кому-то другому?
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,100 Ну, и что теперь?
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:36,100 Да, пошла эта сука на х*й.
00:05:36,350 --> 00:05:37,350 Сука, ненавижу эту суку.
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,600 Слушайте, надо застать Шефа одного. Он не будет слушать, пока эта блядь рядом.
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:42,850 Давайте узнаем, где он работает, и сходим к нему завтра.
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:43,850 Хорошая идея.
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:47,100 Итак, результаты обследования готовы, поросёнок.
00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:48,600 Прекратите называть меня поросёнком!
00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:51,350 У тебя небольшой астигматизм, из-за которого все проблемы.
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:52,600 И что это означает?
00:05:52,850 --> 00:05:56,100 Это означает, поросёнок, что твоё зрение уже никогда не улучшится.
00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:02,100 Слушай, я говорю совершенно серьёзно, чувак. Ясно? Если ты ещё раз назовёшь меня
00:06:02,135 --> 00:06:06,100 поросёнком, я спрыгну со стула и оторву твои чёртовы яйца голыми руками!
00:06:06,350 --> 00:06:09,600 Хорошо, не волнуйся. У меня есть кое-что - твои глаза будут как новые.
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:17,100 Блин! Суперхреново! Я это не надену, ребята меня засмеют.
00:06:17,350 --> 00:06:20,100 Знаю, самое сложное - заставить ребёнка носить очки.
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:21,850 Я сниму их, как только выйду отсюда.
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:23,850 Вот почему у нас есть маленький степлер.
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,100 Сукин сын!
00:06:25,850 --> 00:06:27,600 Говорят, Шеф работает где-то здесь.
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,100 Привет, чуваки.
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:38,100 Ха-ха-ха! Посмотрите на Картмана и его идиотские очки.
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:39,600 Чувак, просто сними их.
00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:41,100 Не могу! Они пришпилены к голове!
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,100 Я ненавижу вас, пацаны.
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:49,850 Добро пожаловать в Steinburg & Burgstein. Чем я могу помочь?
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:50,850 Мы хотим поговорить с Шефом.
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:51,850 С Шефом?
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:52,850 Большой парень, с бородой.
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:53,850 И в поварском колпаке.
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:54,850 (И с огромным членом).
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:55,850 А, тот чёрный парень!
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:56,600 Что?
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,600 Третья кабинка налево.
00:06:58,601 --> 00:07:02,600 Эй! Это не ты, снимался в "Джерри Магуайар"?
00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:03,600 Да, конечно-конечно.
00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:05,350 Как ты разжирел.
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,100 Эй!
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,850 Привет, дети.
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:08,600 Привет, Шеф.
00:07:08,850 --> 00:07:10,100 Эрик, ты носишь очки?
00:07:10,350 --> 00:07:11,850 Шеф, ты должен бросить эту суку.
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:12,350 Что?
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,350 Ты нужен нам, Шеф.
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:19,100 Эй, Шеф-о, мы собираемся на склад за чехлами для пейджеров, ты с нами?
00:07:19,350 --> 00:07:19,850 Ещё бы!
00:07:20,350 --> 00:07:21,850 Шеф, тебе здесь не место.
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:25,315 Дети, Вероника показала мне, что я жил пустой жизнью.
00:07:25,350 --> 00:07:28,850 Бессмысленный секс хорош в двадцать или тридцать, но не позже.
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,100 Но она нам не нравится!
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:30,850 Почему?
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,350 Не знаю. Просто так.
00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:37,850 Дети, друзья всегда заводят подружек. Даже вы с этим когда-нибудь столкнётесь.
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:38,850 Ни за что!
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,100 Пожалуйста, Шеф! Я не знаю что мне делать с этими дурацкими очками.
00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:44,100 Это не проблема. Сделай лазерную коррекцию. Я себе сделал.
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,600 Эй, лазерная коррекция! Спасибо, Шеф!
00:07:46,850 --> 00:07:50,600 Видите? Всё будет хорошо! Сыграем в мяч после работы?
00:07:50,850 --> 00:07:51,600 Окей!
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,100 Шеф будет с минуты на минуту.
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:06,100 Он забил на нас.
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,100 Я не могу в это поверить!
00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:08,850 Пойдём к нему!
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,850 Привет, дети.
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,600 Ну всё, мистер! Надеюсь, у вас есть причина, почему вы не пришли играть в мяч!
00:08:18,850 --> 00:08:21,100 О, извините, дети. Я забыл.
00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:22,100 Ты забыл!
00:08:22,350 --> 00:08:25,850 Вероника внезапно пришла ко мне в офис и мы пошли ужинать. Она потрясающая.
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,100 Мы должны кое-что рассказать тебе о Веронике.
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:29,850 Привет, дети.
00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:32,100 Мэм, у нас здесь мужской разговор, если вы не против.
00:08:32,350 --> 00:08:36,600 Дети, у меня для вас отличные новости. Мы с Вероникой женимся.
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,850 О нет! Нет-нет-нет-нет!
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,850 На свадьбу приедет вся моя семья. И вы тоже приходите.
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:46,100 Это так замечательно! Давайте споём!
00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:05,990 Дети, вот что вы должны знать о "Фактах жизни". Давайте повторим.
00:09:05,991 --> 00:09:09,240 Тути выбыла в четвёртом сезоне, но Блэр и Джо остались и вышли замуж,
00:09:09,275 --> 00:09:14,240 из-за чего пятый и шестой сезон стали тупыми.
00:09:14,275 --> 00:09:17,490 Обед. Увидимся через полчаса.
00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,240 Мистер Гаррисон, мы можем с вами поговорить?
00:09:19,490 --> 00:09:19,990 Конечно.
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,240 Обычно мы просим совета у Шефа, но в этот раз мы не можем.
00:09:22,490 --> 00:09:25,990 Я - ваш учитель. Думаю, мои советы будут так же ценны, если не больше.
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,615 Хорошо, мистер Гаррисон, был ли у вас друг, который нашёл новую подругу и
00:09:30,616 --> 00:09:32,990 перестал быть вашим другом, и это бы вас бесило?
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,990 А, синдром суккуба.
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,240 Что такое суккуб?
00:09:36,490 --> 00:09:39,490 Женщина из ада, высасывающая жизнь из мужчины.
00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:40,240 Точно!
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:40,740 Да!
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:44,740 С суккубом ничего не поделаешь. Злой властью он ослепляет мужчину любовью.
00:09:44,990 --> 00:09:46,240 Именно это и происходит!
00:09:46,490 --> 00:09:47,740 Вау, вы - умный, мистер Гаррисон.
00:09:47,990 --> 00:09:50,615 Да, вот что я вас скажу - женщины могут убить.
00:09:50,616 --> 00:09:53,240 Вот почему когда дело касается тёлок, я просто трахаю их и бросаю.
00:09:53,275 --> 00:09:56,490 Я говорю: "Проваливай из моей спальни, шлюха, пока ты не высосала из меня жизнь!"
00:09:56,740 --> 00:09:57,740 Спасибо, мистер Гаррисон!
00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:03,990 Не за что, дети. Ты никого не обманешь! Заткнись, мистер Шляпа!
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,740 Пойдём, парни! Расскажем Шефу, что он влюбился в суккуба.
00:10:06,990 --> 00:10:08,240 Да! Он будет нам так благодарен.
00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,990 Вот ты где, Эрик! Пойдём, нам надо к глазному.
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,240 О, нет!
00:10:13,490 --> 00:10:16,240 Так ты хочешь лазерную коррекцию или нет?
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:17,990 Да, но, может, подождём до завтра?
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:18,990 Нет, сладкий.
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:23,240 Но мааам! Я должен сказать Шефу, что он женится на суккубе!
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,240 Привет, дети.
00:10:29,490 --> 00:10:29,990 Вы - кто?
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,240 Я - отец Шефа. Мы только что прилетели на свадьбу.
00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,240 О, привет! А Шеф здесь? У нас к нему разговор.
00:10:34,490 --> 00:10:35,490 Заходите.
00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:36,240 Вот он!
00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:38,740 Шеф, нам надо поговорить!
00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:42,240 Не сейчас, дети! Мне нужно подогнать брюки под мою задницу. Никуда не уходите.
00:10:49,490 --> 00:10:51,990 Правда, чертовски симпатичные сорванцы?
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,240 Вы - родители Шефа?
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:54,490 Да, всю его жизнь.
00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:55,490 У нас к нему разговор.
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:57,740 Он вот-вот выйдет.
00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:00,490 Он так взволнован по поводу свадьбы.
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:04,990 Рассказать вам, как мы встретили Лохнесское чудовище?
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:05,990 Не стоит.
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,227 О, это было семь или восемь лет тому назад.
00:11:09,228 --> 00:11:12,215 Мы с моей маленькой леди были на лодке
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:15,220 Одни, ночью. И тут гигантский змей,
00:11:15,221 --> 00:11:18,190 монстр из палеолита вылезает прямо из воды.
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,906 Как же мы испугались.
00:11:19,907 --> 00:11:23,240 Я вскочила на ноги и закричала: "Томас, что это за штука?"
00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:26,240 А он смотрел на нас красными глазами.
00:11:26,490 --> 00:11:27,390 Какой ужас.
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:31,240 А я как закричу: "Чего ты хочешь, монстр?"
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:34,740 А монстр нагнулся и говорит: "Дай три-писят"
00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:37,740 Три-писят?
00:11:38,090 --> 00:11:39,240 Три доллара и пятьдесят центов.
00:11:39,390 --> 00:11:40,190 Три-писят.
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:40,990 Деньги?
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:47,240 Точно. А я ему говорю: "Не дам я тебе три-писят, сам заработай!"
00:11:47,390 --> 00:11:48,390 Я дала ему доллар.
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:49,690 Она дала ему доллар.
00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,990 Я думала, он уплывёт, если я дам ему доллар.
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,865 Конечно никуда он не уплывёт, Нелли!
00:11:54,866 --> 00:11:57,490 Дай ему доллар - он решит, что у тебя есть ещё.
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:03,240 Окей, начнём. Ты на липосакцию, верно?
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:05,090 Эй! Ты сукин сын.
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,240 Хорошо. Сделаем маленькому поросёнку коррекцию.
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:13,140 Сукин сын, я тебе щас по яйцам напинаю...
00:12:13,141 --> 00:12:15,090 Я сейчас...
00:12:15,490 --> 00:12:17,690 Спорим, его мама тоже бы так хотела.
00:12:19,420 --> 00:12:21,880 И так мы встретили лохнесское чудовище в третий раз.
00:12:21,881 --> 00:12:24,340 А потом, это было в июле...
00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:25,240 Августе.
00:12:25,390 --> 00:12:29,240 ...августе. Стук в дверь. Открываю, а там стоит маленькая милая гёрлскаут...
00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:32,240 Такая милая, с косичками.
00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:34,740 ...и она мне говорит: "Не желаете ли купить немного печенья?"
00:12:34,741 --> 00:12:36,990 Я говорю: "А какие у тебя есть?"
00:12:37,025 --> 00:12:39,240 У неё были с мятой, крекеры...
00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:40,490 Овсяное с изюмом.
00:12:40,740 --> 00:12:44,620 ...с изюмом. Я говорю: "Я возьму крекеры. Сколько с меня?"
00:12:44,621 --> 00:12:48,500 А она смотрит на меня и говорит: "Три-писят."
00:12:48,590 --> 00:12:49,640 Три-писят
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:55,490 Тут я заметил, что девочка высотой с восьмиэтажный дом
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,740 и прямо из палеозоя.
00:12:57,990 --> 00:12:59,240 Лохнесское чудовище.
00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:02,940 Я говорю: "Проклятое чудовище! Проваливай с моего газона!
00:13:02,941 --> 00:13:06,490 Не дам я тебе три-писят!" Оно говорит: "Ну хоть два-писят"
00:13:06,525 --> 00:13:10,490 Я говорю: "О, теперь только два-писят! У вас там в Лох-Нессе распродажа?"
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:11,740 Боже, как он был сердит.
00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:13,090 Чертовски верно, как я был сердит!
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,390 Не ты, а монстр. Он хотел надрать тебе задницу.
00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:16,990 Закрой свой рот, женщина!
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,740 Не могли бы вы просто сказать Шефу, что мы пришли?
00:13:18,990 --> 00:13:22,740 Конечно. Дурацкий монстр. Ну а в четвёртый раз я увидел...
00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:28,090 Картман, что с тобой?
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:32,240 Говнюк-доктор сделал мне операцию, и мне надо носить повязку три дня.
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:33,890 Чёрт, твои глаза действительно отсосные, Картман.
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,240 Спасибо за новую шутку, Tom Brokaw! Что с Шефом? Сказали ему, что она - суккуб?
00:13:37,490 --> 00:13:40,740 Не вышло. Она такая противная. Она не пускает нас к Шефу.
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,490 Эрик, к тебе пришли? Впустить?
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:44,740 Давай.
00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:50,540 Привет, мальчики. Я слышала, что Эрику сделали операцию, и испекла для него пирог.
00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:51,990 Ааа! Это суккуб!
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:52,990 Что?
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,240 Мы знаем, кто вы такая, дама!
00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:56,240 Да! Вы - кровожадный суккуб!
00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:57,240 Кто?
00:13:57,490 --> 00:13:59,490 Демон, посланный из ада, чтобы высасывать жизнь из мужчин.
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:03,240 Мальчики, вы знаете, как глупо это звучит?
00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:05,740 Ну, вы забираете у нас Шефа.
00:14:05,990 --> 00:14:09,740 Мальчики, я всё объясню. Шеф ваш друг, но он - взрослый мужчина.
00:14:09,741 --> 00:14:13,490 Ему нужно кое-что, что вы не можете ему дать.
00:14:13,525 --> 00:14:16,932 Он хочет жить со мной, потому что со мной он счастлив.
00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:20,340 Понимаете?
00:14:20,540 --> 00:14:21,340 Наверное.
00:14:21,490 --> 00:14:28,240 Хорошо. И ещё, мальчики. Завтра я выхожу замуж за Шефа
00:14:28,275 --> 00:14:32,740 и ни хрена вы с этим не поделаете!
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:35,540 Ку-ку!
00:14:36,990 --> 00:14:37,740 Господи!
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,240 Что случилось?
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,250 Прошу внимания. Завтра мой сын женится
00:14:47,251 --> 00:14:50,250 на прекрасной женщине. И я счастлив за них.
00:14:50,285 --> 00:14:54,500 Ну вот! Я же говорил, что расплачусь.
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:55,750 Всё в порядке, папа.
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,750 Из-за тебя я сейчас тоже расплачусь.
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:04,625 Помню, было Шефу три года. Прибегает он как-то ко мне с большой улыбкой и
00:15:04,626 --> 00:15:09,750 маленьком поварском колпаке и говорит: "Папа, папа!" Я ему: "Что, сын?"
00:15:09,755 --> 00:15:11,285 Он говорит: "Дай три-писят. "
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:12,750 Три-писят.
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:19,875 Тут я призадумался. Я говорю: "Зачем тебе три-писят?"
00:15:19,876 --> 00:15:22,100 Он говорит: "Для моего воображаемого друга динозавра Гу-гу".
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:26,785 Я пошёл в комнату сына, и там, конечно, было лохнесское чудовище.
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,000 Было так страшно.
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:33,250 Я говорю: "Твою мать, монстр! Отвали от моего ребёнка!
00:15:33,285 --> 00:15:35,250 Мы эти деньги зарабатываем и тебе не отдадим!"
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:38,250 Извините, что прерываем, но у нас плохие новости.
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:42,050 Это - не женщина! Это - суккуб!
00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:42,900 Что?
00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:45,250 Она плохая, она собирается высосать из Шефа жизнь.
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,250 Дети, мне так больно.
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,250 Можешь притворятся! Ты никого не обманешь!
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:55,300 Всё, парни! Хватит! Это - лучший день моей жизни,
00:15:55,301 --> 00:15:59,050 а вы даже не можете порадоваться за меня.
00:15:59,150 --> 00:15:59,550 Но, Шеф...
00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:02,575 Никаких но, Стэн! Я люблю эту женщину и
00:16:02,576 --> 00:16:05,500 я женюсь на ней. Смиритесь с этим или убирайтесь из моей жизни.
00:16:05,535 --> 00:16:08,500 А теперь, с вашего позволения, у нас вечеринка.
00:16:08,950 --> 00:16:11,550 И тут я погнался за монстром по улице...
00:16:11,750 --> 00:16:14,250 Ничего не поделаешь. Её он любит больше, чем нас.
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:18,250 Нет! Я не собираюсь сдаваться! Шеф бы на нашем месте не сдался.
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:22,250 Чёрт! Куча всего о суккубах и ни слова о том, как их остановить.
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:25,250 Парни, шесть утра. Мне пора спать.
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:29,000 Чувак! Свадьба через три часа. Надо выяснить, как уничтожить суккуба.
00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:34,000 Знаете что? В жопу Шефа. Пусть женится на суккубе. А я хочу спать.
00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:41,000 Вот, смотрите! "Суккуб очаровывает жертву жуткой мелодией. В ней его сила.
00:16:41,035 --> 00:16:44,250 Только сыграв эту мелодию наоборот можно победить суккуба."
00:16:44,350 --> 00:16:45,250 Ну, и что это значит?
00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:46,050 Не знаю.
00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:53,950 Точно.
00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,050 Ага.
00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:00,850 Ого!
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:05,250 Да! Что она обычно поёт?
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:13,100 Точно! Мы должны выучить песню наоборот.
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,050 За три часа.
00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:20,350 Чёрт, глаза слипаются.
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:25,550 Нам нельзя спать. Мы должны спеть песню. Картман, магнитофон у тебя?
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,000 Он спит. Вставай, жиртрест!
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:28,000 Что-что-что?
00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:28,950 Твою мать! Не спи.
00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:31,000 Я не спал. Я просто задумался.
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,125 А потом пришельцы забрали меня на свой корабль.
00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:35,000 Они вставляли мне зонд и всё такое.
00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:36,250 В тот вечер мы ели салат из тако.
00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:39,625 Не важно, женщина! У пришельца была большая голова
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:42,750 и большие чёрные глаза. Он склонился надо мной.
00:17:42,785 --> 00:17:46,050 Я говорю: "Что тебе надо, пришелец?" И знаете, что он сказал?
00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:47,000 Три-писят.
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,207 Дай мне рассказать чёртову историю!
00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:53,215 Он сказал "три-писят."
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,250 И тут я понял, что это был не пришелец. Это проклятое лохнесское чудовище
00:17:55,251 --> 00:17:57,250 пыталось выманить у меня три-писят, переодевшись пришельцем. Каково?
00:17:59,350 --> 00:18:01,750 Я же заплатила ему за неделю до того.
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,250 Что? Ты дала монстру чёртовы три-писят?
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,250 Он меня обманул.
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:10,250 Не удивительно, что монстр к нам приходит! Ты даёшь ему три-писят!
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,250 Вот она!
00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,250 Сука! Грязная сука!
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,250 Всё, мы с Кайлом занимаем нашу позицию.
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,000 Давайте.
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:31,250 Шеф, берёшь ли ты эту женщину в жёны, чтобы...
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,150 Беру!
00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,750 О, мой малыш женится!
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,150 А ты, Вероника, берёшь Шефа в папочки?
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,000 Беру.
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,500 А теперь, песенная клятва.
00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:41,750 За дело!
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,250 Давай, Картман!
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:50,350 Давай, Картман!
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000 Дети, вы обосрали мою свадьбу!
00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:57,500 Я ими займусь.
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,750 Картман! Проснись, жирный кусок дерьма!
00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:13,750 Что за...?
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,250 Плёнку зажевало!
00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:24,650 Что за...?
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,250 Это же - проклятый суккуб!
00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:28,250 Суккуб хочет забрать моего сыночка!
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:34,550 Давай, Картман!
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,250 Я ничего не вижу!
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:39,050 Боже мой! Она убила Кенни!
00:19:39,250 --> 00:19:40,050 Сволочь!
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:42,450 Чёртов монстр, отстань от моего ребёнка!
00:19:42,550 --> 00:19:45,250 Подождите, может у меня есть три-писят.
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:46,850 Есть!
00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:06,250 Ух ты! Такое не каждый день увидишь.
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,000 Прости Шеф, но мы должны были это сделать.
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:13,750 Нет, спасибо за то, что вы сделали.
00:20:13,751 --> 00:20:17,250 Теперь я сам не понимаю, что я в ней нашёл.
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,150 Шлюха и есть шлюха.
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:21,250 Пойдём дети, съедим мороженого.
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:22,250 Ура!
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,250 Что случилось, пацаны? Кенни в порядке?
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,450 Привет, дети.
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,200 Привет, шеф.
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,450 Хотите рыбных палочек?
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:35,300 С удовольствием!
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,400 Здорово, что ты вернулся.
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,965 Знаете, сегодня я многое понял.
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,600 Иногда ты влюбляешься и думаешь, что это - навсегда
00:20:43,601 --> 00:20:47,200 Меняешь свою жизнь и забываешь друзей
00:20:47,235 --> 00:20:50,700 Но потом любовь уходит, неважно почему
00:20:50,701 --> 00:20:54,165 И ты остаёшься ни с чем
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,100 Берегись любви! Она разрушительна как тайфун!
00:20:58,101 --> 00:21:02,000 Просто не суетись и не будь дураком
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:06,200 И не никогда не позволяй шлюхам вставать между тобой и твоими друзьями.
00:21:06,950 --> 00:21:08,200 Чертовски верно, Гаррисон!
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,950 Привет, поросёночек! Как твои глаза?
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:17,450 Сегодня всё станет хорошо, и я вас никогда больше не увижу!
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,200 Не думаю, что это возможно с твоими глазами, поросёночек.
00:21:20,450 --> 00:21:24,450 Нет, не с моими глазами. С этими!
00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:25,650 Он был донором?
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:26,450 Точно.
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:29,350 Тогда за работу.
00:21:29,351 --> 00:21:32,200 Кстати, у тебя не найдётся три-писят?
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,700 Тайминг: kiriadam (www.divxsubtitles.net)
00:21:35,701 --> 00:21:38,200 Перевод: Ren-TV, Herbert West и немного MTV;)
00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:45,202 27 марта 2006 года HerbertWest@yandex.ru southpark.org.ru

00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,429 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,514 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,307 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:16,976 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,269 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,146 ♪ Gonna leave my woe's behind ♪
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:21,814 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,441 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:24,859 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,694 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,490 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,075 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:39,248 Mom, please, can we just leave?
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,125 You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,668 But I hate the eye doctor.
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,295 He's always making fun of me for being fat.
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,630 You're not fat. You're big-boned!
00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,591 That's what I told him but he doesn't listen to reason.
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,301 Eric Cartman?
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:51,927 Oh, weak.
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,054 Hello Eric.
00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,305 Hi, Doctor Lott.
00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,514 How's my little piggy, today?
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,349 Hey, don't call me "little piggy"!
00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,393 I just say that because you're my little buddy.
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:00,561 I'm just here for an eye exam
00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:01,896 keep your fat jokes to yourself!
00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:03,105 Hop up on the chair.
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,023 Don't break it, now.
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,900 Goddamn it!
00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,526 Just kidding, let's see how your eyes are doing.
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:08,861 All you have to do is read the letters.
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:09,904 Can you see the letters?
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,155 Yes.
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,031 Read them out for me.
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:15,576 I-am-a-little-piggy.
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:16,619 Hey! - Ha ha ha!
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,287 That does it! Mom!
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,747 No no, that's just a weird coincidence.
00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,499 I do not know how that happened.
00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:23,667 "I am a little piggy," what are the odds of that!
00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,961 Alright, let's get down to business, shall we?
00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:27,505 Gee that's a good idea.
00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:29,215 My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian.
00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,383 Hmmm, let's see, which is better, 1 or 2?
00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,761 They look exactly the same!
00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:34,929 Just pick one-- or 2?
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,764 I dunno-2.
00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,723 Okay.
00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,934 1 or 2? 1 or 2?
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:41,143 Uh, 1.
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,229 1 or 2? 1 or 2?
00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:44,438 2!
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,524 No! The answer is 1, piggy, 1!
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,109 Ooww, I hate you!
00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:49,944 Yes, there's obviously a problem with your eyes.
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:52,404 I'm going to have to dilate them and run some tests.
00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,079 I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,914 Yeah, usually when he ditches school he still shows up for lunch!
00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:04,333 Ha ha ha!
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,584 Yeah, oh, here he comes!
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:06,877 Hey, dudes.
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,132 Wow, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,883 My asshole eye doctor made them all <i>diabated.</i>
00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:13,592 Why?
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,844 Why? I'll tell you why,
00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,220 because he's a goddamn asshole,
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:17,680 and that's about it!
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:18,764 Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,015 Because my eyes suck.
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,517 But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow.
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,061 I don't know what I'm gonna do!
00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:25,980 Dude, just ask Chef for help, he always knows what to do.
00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:26,647 Hey yeah.
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:27,857 Oww!
00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:28,941 Hey Chef!
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,401 Hello there, children!
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,444 Dudes, now my eyes are screwed up.
00:02:32,570 --> 00:02:33,988 Chef looks like a skinny little white guy!
00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:35,322 It's time for luncharoo!
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:35,948 Where's Chef?
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,116 Chef quit!
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,492 What!
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,369 Chef is gone, so let me introduce myself...
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,663 I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp!
00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,374 Mr. Derp?
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,042 When I'm in the kitchen,
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,837 you never know what nutty things are gonna happen.
00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:53,132 If you liked Chef, you're gonna <i>love</i> Mr. Derp!
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,384 Ooh-derp!
00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:57,469 Derp!
00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:59,013 Wasn't that silly kids?
00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:00,556 Ha ha ha!
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,850 Why did Chef quit?
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,643 Aren't I a great character?
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,104 My antics go right to the funnybone!
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,065 Ooh, I don't feel so good.
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,650 Ha ha ha, derp!
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:14,111 Could you just hand us some food, please?
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:18,949 Sure gang, I have yellow stuff or white stuff. Derp!
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,534 Can I have the yellow with a side of white?
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,745 Dude, I hate Mr. Derp.
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,413 Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,248 and get him to come back.
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,125 I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing is pretty funny.
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,168 Shut up, Cartman!
00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,129 Oww!
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,422 Oh, hello there, children!
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,798 Chef, what the hell are you doing?
00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:35,841 We almost starved to death at lunch today!
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,051 Oh, didn't they tell you?
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,594 I quit.
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,637 Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:40,971 Well, it's true.
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,139 But why?
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,891 Why would you quit?
00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,184 Children, 3 nights ago I was at the library
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,936 checking out some books on <i>Kama Sutra,</i>
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,271 when I met the most amazing woman, ever!
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,731 She knew so much about so many things.
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,566 She really got me thinking.
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:55,861 We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off!
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,821 So you made sweet love to her down by the fire?
00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:01,617 No no, we just sat there all night long and... talked.
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,244 Talked?
00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:04,995 Yeah, she told me all about the power of the Goddess.
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,164 And how man had been oppressing women for years
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,874 and viewing them as sexual objects.
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,794 And I realized that I had done that myself!
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,462 Oh, what darling little children!
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,964 Here she is now.
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,715 Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,384 That's nice.
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,094 Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor--girlfriend?
00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,971 Children, Veronica's moving in with me.
00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:22,888 Moving in?
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,139 I'm in love.
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,307 Love?!
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,767 Oh, you nut!
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,769 What the hell is going on?
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:31,105 Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me.
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,523 Sorry, boys.
00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,692 Looks like I'm <i>stealing</i> Chef away from you.
00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:36,443 But Chef always helps us with our problems.
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,612 When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better!
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,072 Well I can still do that, children.
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,949 In fact, Veronica can help me.
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,325 She's a great singer too.
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,451 What's the problem?
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,828 My eyes are going bad
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:46,745 but the only eye doctor in South Park
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,289 is really, really mean.
00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:50,666 Oh, I know just the song for you.
00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:56,171 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:04:56,297 --> 00:05:00,801 ♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,972 ♪ We have a chance to find the sunshine ♪
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:08,684 ♪ Let's keep on looking for the light... ♪♪
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,894 This... is insane.
00:05:13,022 --> 00:05:14,481 That bitch!
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,774 She's stealing Chef from us!
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:16,984 He didn't even seem like Chef.
00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:18,902 He seemed like an empty shell of a man.
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:20,070 Maybe it's just a phase.
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:21,488 We just have to get him alone
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,782 so we can tell him what a bitch she is!
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,367 Wait, you guys...
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,536 Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,079 because Chef is our friend
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,832 and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,792 Yeah, so?
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,419 Yeah, screw that bitch!
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,879 Bitch, I hate that bitch!
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,630 Look, we've just got to get Chef alone.
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,549 He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,676 Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,303 Good idea!
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,680 Alright, we've got the test results back, piggy--
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,474 Stop calling me piggy!
00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,893 You've got a small stigmatism that's causing all the problems.
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,062 What does that mean?
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,939 It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:59,693 Alright. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious, okay?
00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:01,904 If you call me piggy one more time,
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,822 I'm gonna leap out of this chair
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,783 and rip your goddamn nuts off with my bare hands!
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,659 Well don't worry, I've got something
00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:09,870 that is going to make your eyes as good as new.
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,624 Oh dude, super weak.
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:15,000 I'm <i>not</i> wearing these.
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,002 The guys would totally rip on me!
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,379 I know the hardest thing to do
00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,047 is get kids to wear their glasses.
00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,632 I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave.
00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:23,467 That's why we have the little stapler.
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,302 Oww, son of a bitch!
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,971 They said Chef works in one of these buildings.
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,225 Hey, dudes.
00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:34,686 Ha ha ha! Ha ha!
00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:37,648 "Ha ha ha, look at Cartman with his stupid glasses. Ha ha ha."
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,274 Dude, just take them off!
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,984 I can't, it's stapled to my head!
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,446 Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:46,657 I hate you guys.
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,535 Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein, can I help you?
00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:50,369 We want to talk to Chef!
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,204 Chef?
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,163 He's a big guy with a beard and a Chef's hat.
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,541 Oh, the black guy!
00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:56,667 Huh?
00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,293 Third cubicle on the left.
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,755 Hey, aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Mcguire?
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,215 Uh yeah, sure, sure!
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,716 Wow, you really got fat!
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:05,843 Hey!
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,261 Hello there children!
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:08,303 Hey Chef.
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:09,805 Eric, you've got glasses!
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,473 Chef, you have to dump the bitch.
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,516 Huh?
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,393 We need you Chef!
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,353 Hey Chef, we're all gonna run down to the office supply store
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,480 and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,690 You bet!
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:21,900 Chef this place isn't you.
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,611 Children, Veronica has shown me that I've been living a very empty life.
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,905 Meaningless sex is fun for 20 or 30 years,
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,532 but after that, it starts to get old.
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,033 But we don't like her!
00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,118 Why not?
00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:32,536 I don't know. No reason, I guess.
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,538 Children, friends get girlfriends all the time.
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,790 It's something even you will have to face with each other someday.
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,709 No way, dude!
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,627 Please Chef, I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses!
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:43,088 That's easy, get some laser-corrective surgery.
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,590 That's what I did!
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,508 Hey, laser-corrective surgery, thanks Chef!
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,552 You see, everything's gonna be fine.
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,679 How about I meet you boys after work and we can play ball?
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,889 Okay!
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,974 Chef should be here any minute.
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,320 Dude, he bailed on us!
00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:07,571 I can't believe it!
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,573 C'mon, we're going to his house.
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:13,911 Oh! Hello there children.
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:16,246 Alright mister!
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,248 You'd better have a good explanation why you didn't show up to play ball!
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,709 Oh children, I'm sorry, I forgot.
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,753 You forgot?
00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,463 Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner.
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,548 She's so amazing!
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,217 Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef.
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,968 Hello, children!
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,471 Man, we're having a dude man to man here if you don't mind.
00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,264 Children, I've got some great news for you.
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,767 Veronica and I are getting married.
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,770 Oh no, no no no!
00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:41,647 My whole family's coming in for the wedding.
00:08:41,772 --> 00:08:43,232 I want you boys to come, too.
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,358 This is so wonderful!
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:45,859 Let's sing!
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:50,447 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,576 ♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:58,288 ♪ We have a chance to find the sunshine... ♪♪
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,545 And that, children, is what you need to know
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,296 about the facts of life.
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,548 So let's review...
00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,132 Tootie left in the 4th season,
00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,385 but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands,
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,929 leaving the 5th and 6th seasons hideously stagnant.
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,974 Okay, children, that's lunch, see you in 30 minutes.
00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,350 Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,060 Sure!
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:20,811 Normally we go to Chef with our problems,
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,104 but we can't this time!
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,523 Well, children, I am your teacher.I think you'll find
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:27,484 that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,654 Alright, Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,656 and then stopped being your friend and it pissed you off?
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,783 Oh, the old succubus syndrome.
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,743 What's a "succubus"?
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,162 A succubus is a woman sent from hell to suck the life out of a man!
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,789 That's it! - Yeaah!
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,708 There's not much you can do about a succubus.
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,459 Their evil power makes man blind to love.
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:45,919 This is totally what's happening!
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,379 Wow! You are smart, Mr. Garrison!
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,423 Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill.
00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,592 Poontang's expensive.
00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:53,719 That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw 'em and leave 'em.
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,847 I say, "get out of my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry."
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:57,681 Thanks Mr. Garrison.
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,057 Sure, kids!
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,352 You're not fooling anyone.
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,229 Shut your hole, Mr. Head!
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,273 C'mon guys, we gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus!
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,108 Yeah, he's gonna be so thankful we told him!
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,651 There you are, Eric!
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,403 C'mon we have to go to the eye doctor!
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,530 Oh, no!
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,991 C'mon, do you want your laser-corrective surgery or not?
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,492 Yes, but can't we wait 'til tomorrow?
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,328 Now, hon.
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,956 But Mom, I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubus.
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,545 Hello there, children.
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,630 Who are you?
00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:31,048 I'm Chef's father.
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:31,923 We just flew in for the wedding.
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,175 Oh, hi, is Chef here?
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,092 We have to talk to him!
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,218 Yeah, c'mon on in.
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,345 There he is!
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,180 Chef, we have to talk to you!
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,473 Ooh, not now children.
00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:41,266 I gotta get fitted for my britches.
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,601 Be right back!
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,360 Well, aren't you crackers just cute as a dickens.
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:52,653 You're Chef's parents?
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,071 Yes, all his life!
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,405 We have to talk to him!
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,199 Well, he should be out now directly.
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,701 Oh, he's so excited about the wedding!
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,080 Say, would you crackers love to hear about the time
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,706 we saw the Loch Ness monster?
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,166 No, that's okay.
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,585 Ooh, it must've been about 7, 8 years ago.
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:12,172 Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night.
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,007 When all of a sudden a huge creature--
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,885 this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic era
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,595 comes out from the water!
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,889 We were so scared, Lord, I jumped up in the boat and said,
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,141 Thomas, what on earth is that creature?
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,685 It's stood above us, looking down,
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,019 with these big red eyes--
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,021 Ooh, it's so scary!
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,023 And I yelled, I said, "what do you want from us, monster?"
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:32,609 And the monster bent down and said,
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:36,446 "I need about <i>three-fitty."</i>
00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:37,656 What's <i>three-fitty</i>?
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,074 Three dollars and fifty cents.
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:39,866 Three-fitty.
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:40,909 He wanted money?
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,911 That's right! I said,
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,163 "I ain't giving you no three-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness monster!"
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,873 "get your own goddamn money!"
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,083 I gave him a dollar!
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,543 She gave him a dollar!
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,211 I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar!
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,839 Well, of course he's not gonna go away now.
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,508 You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,595 Okay, lets get started...
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,681 You're here for the liposuction, right?
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,850 Oh, you son of a bitch!
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,018 Alright, time to laser me a little piggy!
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,311 Ha ha ha!
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,063 Hey! You son of a bitch.
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,690 I'm gonna kick you square in the--
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735 Ehh...ehh...ahh.
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,446 I bet his mom wishes she could do that!
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:22,451 And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster!
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,994 Then one time, I believe it was July--
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:25,203 August.
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,872 August- there's a knock on the door,
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,999 I opened it, and there's this cute little girl scout.
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,418 Oh she's so adorable with little pig tails 'n all.
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:33,044 And she said to me,
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,296 "how would you like to buy some cookies?"
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,506 And I said, "well, what kind do you have?"
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,508 She had "Thin Mints" "Graham Crunchy Thins"--
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:39,801 "Raisin Oatmeal"
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,511 "Raisin Oatmeal"...
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,054 And I said, "we'll take a graham crunch."
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,306 "How much will that be?"
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,016 And she looks at me and she says,
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,642 "I need about three-fitty!"
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,352 Three-fitty.
00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:52,481 Well, it's about that time that I noticed
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,317 this girl scout was about 8 stories tall,
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,944 and was a crustacean from the planet <i>Ogere.</i>
00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,237 The Loch Ness monster!
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,656 I said, "damnit monster, get off my lawn!
00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,283 I ain't giving you no three-fitty!"
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,285 She said, "how about just two-fitty!"
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,788 I said, "oh now it's only two-fitty!"
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,207 "what is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?"
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,458 Lord, he was angry!
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:12,834 Damn right I was angry!
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,085 Not you, the monster!
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,378 He was about to kick your ass!
00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:16,713 Shut your mouth, woman!
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,673 Uh, can you just tell Chef we were here!
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:19,633 Sure!
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:20,801 That crazy old monster.
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,469 And then, the fourth time...
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,391 Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,435 That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery.
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,062 I have to wear these bandages for 3 days.
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,396 Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman!
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,065 Oh thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw!
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,191 What happened to Chef?
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,442 Did you tell him she's a succubus!
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,152 Oh, we couldn't even talk to him.
00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,654 She's so evil she has him totally kept away from us.
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:41,988 Eric, you have a little visitor.
00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,031 Is that all right?
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,283 Okay.
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,161 Hello, boys.
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,247 I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,456 Aaaggh, it's the succubus!
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,582 Huh?
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:53,750 We know what you are lady!
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,751 Yeah!
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,752 You're a bloodthirsty succubus!
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,504 A what?
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,256 A demon from hell sent to suck life out of men!
00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,467 Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,428 Well, you are taking Chef from us!
00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:08,640 Boys, come here, I want to explain this to you.
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:12,394 I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man.
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,438 He has needs you boys can't fulfill.
00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:17,941 He wants a life with me because I make him happy.
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,776 Do you understand?
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:20,902 I guess.
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,487 Good!
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:25,824 Oh, and boys, just one more thing...
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,993 I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow,
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,871 and there's not a Goddamn thing you can do about it!
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:31,872 Ha ha ha!
00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,498 Aaaarrgghh!
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,292 Toodle-loo!
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:37,335 Jesus, dude!
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,336 What? What happened?
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,136 Could I have your attention, please!
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:50,223 Tomorrow my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,017 I'm very happy for them both.
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,394 I told myself I wasn't gonna cry now.
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:55,645 It's okay Pap!
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,606 Now you're gonna get me going, hah!
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,067 I remember when Chef was just a 3-year-old little man.
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,194 He came running up to me with a big smile
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,529 and his little Chef's hat on,
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,406 and he said, "Papa, Papa!"
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,867 I said, "what do you need Chef, my boy?"
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,660 And he said, "I need about three-fitty!"
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,746 Three-fitty.
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:16,583 Well it was about that time I got suspicious, I said, "Chef,
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,293 why do you need three-fitty?"
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:22,005 He said, "my imaginary friend, Goo-Goo the Dinosaur wants it!"
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,425 I went to my son's room and sure enough, there was
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,551 the Loch Ness monster!
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:27,928 Aw, it was scary!
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,638 I said, "damn it, monster!"
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,473 "you stop bugging my children now!
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,516 "we work for our money in this house!
00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,185 We don't give money away!"
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,728 Excuse me...
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,271 We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news.
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,231 This is not a woman!
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:41,191 It is a succubus!
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,108 What?
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,860 Yeah!
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,195 She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him!
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529 Children!
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,781 That hurts my feelings!
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,824 Oh, you can pretend all you want!
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,201 You're not fooling anybody!
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,160 Alright, guys!
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,453 That's enough!
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,163 I have had it with you!
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,706 This is the happiest time of my life,
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,249 and you can't be happy for me!
00:15:58,375 --> 00:15:59,292 Chef, but--
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,752 No "buts", Stan!
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,504 I love this woman and I am marrying her...
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:06,466 Now you can either accept that or get out of my life!
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,135 Now if you'll excuse us, we're having a party!
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,763 ...So I chased the monster down the street, you see!
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,390 I guess there's nothing we can do.
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:14,474 Chef likes her more than us!
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:15,642 No!
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:16,810 I'm not willing to give up!
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,436 Chef wouldn't give up on us!
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,854 Oh, man!
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,398 There's tons of stuff on succubuses,
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,233 but there's nothing on how to stop them!
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,110 You guys, it's 6 in the morning, I have to get some sleep!
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,112 Dude, Chef's wedding is in 3 hours.
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,405 We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a succubus!
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:29,364 You know what?
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,699 Screw Chef. There- I said it! Screw him!
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:32,283 Let him marry Succubus!
00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:34,202 I wanna go to sleep!
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,037 Here, here! Look at this!
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,498 It says, "the succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody,
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,500 "this is the succubi power,
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,085 "only playing this melody backwards
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,712 can vanquish the succubus' power!"
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,338 What the hell does that mean?
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:46,047 I don't know.
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:53,596 Right...
00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,728 Yeah...
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,229 Ohhh...
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,647 Hey yeah, what's that song she always sings?
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,983 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,736 ♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,196 ♪ We've got to find our way together ♪
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,573 That's it!
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:12,699 We gotta learn that song backwards!
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,284 In 3 hours!
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,582 Oh, man, I can't keep my eyes open!
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,584 We can't fall asleep, we gotta nail that song!
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,127 You've got the tape recorder, Cartman?
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,420 Cartman!
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,755 He's asleep, wake up, fat ass!
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,089 What what what?
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,716 Goddamn it, you can't fall asleep!
00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:31,217 I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,720 And then these aliens had me up in the ship, right
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:34,763 they was probing me and all that...
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,181 We had taco salad that night!
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,558 Don't matter what we had for dinner, woman!
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,894 Now these aliens had a big head and big black eyes
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,645 and it was all bent over me.
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,272 I said, "what do you want from me, alien?"
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,648 And you know what he said?
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:46,900 Three-fitty.
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,610 Let me tell the damn story now!
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,111 He said, "three-fitty"!
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,155 And so I realized it was no alien...
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,949 It was that Goddamn Loch Ness monster again,
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,743 trying to trick me into giving him three-fitty
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:57,952 by dressing up like an alien!
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,412 Don't that beat all!
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,206 I just given him three-fitty the week before!
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:02,916 What?
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,292 You gave that monster another damn three-fitty!
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,252 He tricked me!
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,630 Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house.
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,923 You keep giving him the three-fitty!
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,176 There she is!
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:22,268 Bitch!
00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:23,144 Bitch!
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,938 Dirty bitch!
00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:26,231 Alright, Kenny and I are gonna take position up-front.
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:28,274 Okay!
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:30,276 Do you Chef take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,236 To have and to--
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,445 I do!
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,155 Oh, my baby's getting married!
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,533 And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,034 I do.
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,411 And now a special sharing of vows through song.
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,122 Here it goes...
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,625 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,043 Now, Cartman!
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,797 Now, Cartman!
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,177 Children, you're screwing up my wedding!
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,762 I'll take care of them!
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,140 Cartman, wake up, you fat piece of crap!
00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,015 Oww!
00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:07,272 ♪ Light... the for looking on keep let's sunshine ♪
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,273 Aaaarrghh!
00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:09,440 ♪ The find to chance ♪
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,401 No-oooo!
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,194 What the...?
00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,989 Oh no, the tape jammed!
00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:24,247 What the...?
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,207 She's a Goddamn succubus!
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,209 Succubus is trying to take my baby!
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,464 Arrrgh!
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,757 C'mon, Cartman!
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,009 I can't see anything!
00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,720 Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,054 You bastard!
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,724 You damn monster get away from my baby!
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,059 Hold on, I'll see if I have three-fitty!
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,604 Got it!
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,690 ♪ The through on hold can we if after ♪
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,026 ♪ Morning a be to got there's ♪
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,906 ♪ Warm... and safe that's-♪♪
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,789 Oh wow, you don't see <i>that</i> everyday!
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,959 We're sorry, Chef, we had to do it.
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:12,962 No, I'm glad you did, children...
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,006 Now that she's gone,
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,467 I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her!
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,010 Poontang's poontang.
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,970 C'mon, children, let's go get some ice cream.
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,305 Hurray!
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,391 Wait, what happened, you guys?
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,226 Is Kenny okay?
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,230 Hello there, children!
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,814 Hey, Chef!
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,900 How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?
00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,318 We'd love them!
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,861 It's great to have you back, Chef!
00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,279 Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week!
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,406 ♪ Sometimes you fall in love ♪
00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,492 ♪ And you think you'll feel that way forever ♪
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,535 ♪ You change your life, and ignore your friends ♪
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,579 ♪ 'cause you think it can't get any better ♪
00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,915 ♪ But then love goes away ♪
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,125 ♪ No matter what, it doesn't stay as strong ♪
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:53,294 ♪ And then you're left with nothing ♪
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,296 ♪ 'cause you're thinking with your dong ♪
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,757 ♪ So watch out for that lover ♪
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,884 ♪ It can destroy like a typhoon wind ♪
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,178 ♪ Just play it cool and don't be a fool ♪
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,348 And never let poontang come between you and your friends!
00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,642 Damn right, Garrison!
00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:13,106 Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?
00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,607 After today they're going to be fine
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,693 and I'll never have to see you ever again!
00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:19,070 I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes!
00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:20,822 No, not with my eyes!
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,073 With these!
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:23,283 Ha ha ha!
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,742 Was he an organ donor?
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,244 Sure!
00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:27,287 Alright, then let's get to work!
00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,457 Say, you don't have $3.50 on you, do you?
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:35,461 ♪ Light... ♪
00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:39,424 ♪ The for looking on keep let's sunshine... ♪
00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:43,303 ♪ The find to chance a have we night... ♪
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:46,973 ♪ The through on hold can we if after ♪
00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:49,976 ♪ Morning a be to got there's ♪
00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,770 ♪ Warm... ♪
00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:54,772 ♪ And safe that's place a find and ♪
00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:58,943 ♪ Toge...ther bridge the cross we don't why storm ♪♪
00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:02,280 Captioning made possible by Comedy Central

00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,000 Женщина Шефа
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,000 "Окулист"
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,817 Мам, пожалуйста, давай просто уйдем?
00:00:40,012 --> 00:00:41,587 Тебя должен посмотреть глазной врач, Эрик
00:00:41,771 --> 00:00:42,751 Но я ненавижу глазного врача
00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:44,685 Он постоянно смеется надо мной, потому что я толстый
00:00:45,019 --> 00:00:46,926 Ты не толстый, у тебя просто кость широкая
00:00:47,156 --> 00:00:48,947 Так я ему и говорю, но он не слушает
00:00:49,121 --> 00:00:50,127 Эрик Картман
00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:51,961 Фигня...
00:00:52,292 --> 00:00:53,307 Здравствуй, Эрик
00:00:53,382 --> 00:00:54,566 Здравствуйте, доктор Мужлан
00:00:54,874 --> 00:00:56,315 Как поживает мой маленький толстый поросёнок?
00:00:56,402 --> 00:00:57,525 Эй! Не называй меня поросёнком!
00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:59,661 Я сказал так только потому, что ты - мой маленький приятель
00:00:59,863 --> 00:01:02,157 Я здесь для проверки зрения, ясно? Оставь свои дурацкие шутки при себе
00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:03,103 Забирайся в кресло
00:01:03,554 --> 00:01:04,655 Смотри, только не сломай!
00:01:04,927 --> 00:01:05,400 А, твою мать!!!
00:01:05,678 --> 00:01:07,284 Шучу, шучу. Что ж, давай проверим твои глаза
00:01:08,003 --> 00:01:10,073 Тебе нужно прочитать эти буквы. Ты видишь буквы?
00:01:10,255 --> 00:01:10,906 Да
00:01:10,962 --> 00:01:12,353 Отлично, прочти их мне
00:01:12,828 --> 00:01:13,502 Я
00:01:14,114 --> 00:01:14,983 Т–О–Л–стый
00:01:15,018 --> 00:01:16,516 ма-лень-кий по-ро-сё-нок. Эй!
00:01:17,239 --> 00:01:18,578 Ну всё, хватит! Мам!
00:01:18,749 --> 00:01:20,191 Нет, нет. Это - всего лишь случайное совпадение
00:01:20,358 --> 00:01:21,537 Я не представляю, как такое могло случиться
00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:24,258 "Я – толстый маленький поросёнок". Ого! Как странно...
00:01:25,074 --> 00:01:26,350 Ну да ладно, давай вернёмся к делу, не так ли?
00:01:26,699 --> 00:01:29,071 Наконец-то! Отличная мысль! Моя мама платит вам не за клоунаду
00:01:29,312 --> 00:01:31,674 Хмм, посмотрим, которая лучше - первая или вторая?
00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:33,038 Первая или вторая?
00:01:33,413 --> 00:01:34,436 Они выглядят одинаково
00:01:34,471 --> 00:01:36,156 Выбери только одну. Или вторую
00:01:36,191 --> 00:01:36,991 Да не знаю, вторая!
00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:40,192 Хорошо. Первая или вторая? Первая или вторая?
00:01:40,252 --> 00:01:41,413 Ну, первая
00:01:41,616 --> 00:01:43,754 Первая или вторая? Первая или вторая?
00:01:43,848 --> 00:01:44,576 Вторая
00:01:44,598 --> 00:01:46,895 Нет! Ответ - первая, поросёнок! Первая!
00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:48,251 Ай! Я тебя ненавижу!
00:01:48,431 --> 00:01:50,188 Да, с твоим зрением определенно что-то не в порядке
00:01:50,223 --> 00:01:52,724 Я собираюсь расширить тебе зрачки и провести кое-какие анализы
00:01:58,254 --> 00:02:00,077 Интересно, почему Картмана сегодня нет в школе
00:02:00,237 --> 00:02:02,495 Ага, обычно, когда он прогуливает уроки, он все равно появляется к обеду
00:02:02,518 --> 00:02:04,495 Мо..т, он еб.т св.ю ма..шу?
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,134 Точно. А, вон он идет
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:07,404 Привет, пацаны
00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,212 Ого, что это у тебя с глазами, Картман?
00:02:11,213 --> 00:02:13,268 Этот говнюк-окулист разжирил мне значки
00:02:13,303 --> 00:02:14,331 Зачем?
00:02:14,366 --> 00:02:18,136 Зачем?! Я скажу тебе зачем! Потому что он чертов говнюк и... ну и всё
00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:19,628 Зачем тебе надо было ходить к окулисту?
00:02:19,629 --> 00:02:20,629 Та, моим глазам – жопа.
00:02:20,630 --> 00:02:22,671 Но этот доктор любит подвергать меня пыткам, а я должен снова идти к нему завтра,
00:02:22,706 --> 00:02:23,714 и я не знаю, что мне делать
00:02:23,715 --> 00:02:25,883 Блин, просто спроси Шефа. Он всегда знает, что делать
00:02:26,099 --> 00:02:26,923 Ага, ништяк!
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:29,406 Привет, Шеф!
00:02:29,574 --> 00:02:30,513 Здравствуйте, дорогие дети!
00:02:31,274 --> 00:02:32,527 Блин, моим глазам в натуре жопа
00:02:32,562 --> 00:02:34,145 Шеф выглядит, как тощий мелкий белый парень
00:02:34,146 --> 00:02:35,684 Время обедика!
00:02:35,685 --> 00:02:36,428 Где Шеф?
00:02:36,429 --> 00:02:37,376 Шеф уволился
00:02:37,377 --> 00:02:38,163 Что?!
00:02:38,164 --> 00:02:43,202 Шеф ушел. Так что, позвольте представиться. Я - ваш новый повар, мистер Дерп
00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:45,896 Мистер Дерп?
00:02:45,897 --> 00:02:49,981 Когда я на кухне, вы не знаете, какие глупые штуки могут случиться!
00:02:49,982 --> 00:02:53,768 Если вы любили Шефа, вы полюбите мистера Дерпа!
00:02:58,148 --> 00:02:59,646 Дерп! О, разве не глупо, дети?
00:03:02,074 --> 00:03:03,038 Почему Шеф ушел?
00:03:03,039 --> 00:03:07,475 Ну разве я не тот еще фрукт? Мои дурачества – такие классные благодаря моему чувству юмора.
00:03:08,442 --> 00:03:10,567 Ой, что-то мне нездоровится... Дерп!
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:14,960 Может, просто дадите нам еду, пожалуйста?
00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:18,301 Конечно же! У меня есть желтая чепуха и белая чепуха
00:03:19,088 --> 00:03:20,734 Можно мне желтой с гарниром из белой?
00:03:20,915 --> 00:03:22,988 Блин! Терпеть не могу мистера Дерпа!
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,768 Ага, после школы мы поговорим с Шефом, чтобы он вернулся
00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:28,328 Ну, не знаю, пацаны, с молотком было довольно прикольно
00:03:28,329 --> 00:03:29,539 Заткнись, Картман!
00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:33,733 О! Здравствуйте, дети!
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,498 Шеф, какого хрена ты делаешь? Сегодня в обед мы чуть не померли с голоду
00:03:36,501 --> 00:03:38,656 О! Разве вам не сообщили? Я уволился.
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,078 Да, но мы не поверили
00:03:40,079 --> 00:03:41,534 Ну, это - правда
00:03:41,535 --> 00:03:43,609 Но почему? Почему ты уволился?
00:03:43,610 --> 00:03:45,642 Дети, три ночи назад я был в библиотеке,
00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:47,595 пролистывал кое-какие книги по Кама Сутре,
00:03:47,596 --> 00:03:49,852 когда я встретил самую изумительную женщину на свете
00:03:49,853 --> 00:03:51,916 Она столько всего обо всем знала
00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:53,205 Она заставила меня думать
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,439 В конце концов мы отправились ко мне и отлично поладили
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,293 Так вы занялись сладкой любовью на полу у камина?
00:03:58,294 --> 00:04:00,899 Нет, нет, мы всего лишь сидели вместе всю ночь и...
00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:02,366 говорили.
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:03,180 Говорили?!
00:04:03,181 --> 00:04:05,248 Да. Она рассказала мне всё о силе женщин-богинь,
00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:08,992 и о том, как мужчины притесняли женщин годами, рассматривая их только как сексуальный объект,
00:04:08,993 --> 00:04:11,725 и я понял, что и сам вел себя так же
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,704 O! Какие прелестные дети!
00:04:13,984 --> 00:04:17,435 А вот и она. Дети, знакомьтесь, моя новая подруга, Вероника
00:04:17,436 --> 00:04:19,218 Очень приятно. Слушай, Шеф, Картман был у окулиста и...
00:04:19,436 --> 00:04:20,941 Подруга?!
00:04:20,942 --> 00:04:22,319 Дети, Вероника переезжает ко мне
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:23,320 Переезжает?!
00:04:23,321 --> 00:04:24,385 Я влюблен
00:04:24,386 --> 00:04:25,386 Влюблен?!
00:04:25,387 --> 00:04:26,387 О, мой глупенький
00:04:27,288 --> 00:04:28,414 Да чё за фигня происходит?!
00:04:28,415 --> 00:04:31,865 Вероника провела целый день, читая мне свои любимые стихотворения
00:04:31,866 --> 00:04:35,333 Извините, мальчики, похоже, я увожу у вас Шефа
00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:36,661 Но Шеф всегда помогает нам с нашими проблемами
00:04:36,662 --> 00:04:39,191 Если у нас возникают трудности, Шеф поет нам, и сразу становится лучше
00:04:39,192 --> 00:04:40,892 Что ж, я все еще могу делать это, дети
00:04:40,893 --> 00:04:43,964 Вообще-то, Вероника может помочь мне. Она тоже прекрасно поет
00:04:43,965 --> 00:04:45,107 И в чём же проблема?
00:04:45,108 --> 00:04:46,205 У меня зрение ухудшается,
00:04:46,206 --> 00:04:48,630 а единственный окулист в Южном Парке очень, очень посредственный
00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:50,664 О, я знаю песню как раз для тебя
00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:56,137 И будет следующее утро
00:04:56,634 --> 00:05:00,899 Лишь ночь нам надо переждать
00:05:01,271 --> 00:05:05,409 Дай шанс, рассвет, тебя нам встретить,
00:05:05,545 --> 00:05:09,423 И мы продолжим света луч искать!
00:05:09,424 --> 00:05:10,960 Это – безумие!
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:14,927 Вот сука!
00:05:14,928 --> 00:05:16,366 Она уводит у нас Шефа
00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:19,209 Он был даже не похож на Шефа. Он походил на его пустую оболочку
00:05:19,271 --> 00:05:20,358 Может быть, это - только переходный этап?
00:05:20,359 --> 00:05:22,649 Мы должны просто встретиться с ним наедине, чтобы рассказать, какая она сука
00:05:22,650 --> 00:05:23,780 Погодите, пацаны
00:05:24,548 --> 00:05:27,333 Может быть... возможно.., что мы просто ревнуем,
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:31,142 потому что Шеф - наш друг, и сейчас он уделяет внимание кому-то другому?
00:05:33,539 --> 00:05:34,487 Да, ну и что?
00:05:35,056 --> 00:05:36,148 Да, в жопу эту суку!
00:05:36,149 --> 00:05:37,149 Сука! Ненавижу эту суку!
00:05:37,150 --> 00:05:39,102 Короче, надо просто встретиться с Шефом наедине
00:05:39,103 --> 00:05:41,077 Он не будет слушать, когда эта шлюха вертится рядом
00:05:41,078 --> 00:05:43,330 Пошли, узнаем, где он работает и встретимся там с ним завтра
00:05:43,331 --> 00:05:44,103 Хорошая мысль
00:05:45,291 --> 00:05:47,394 Итак, у нас есть результаты анализов, поросёнок
00:05:47,395 --> 00:05:48,903 Кончай называть меня поросёнком!
00:05:48,904 --> 00:05:51,865 У тебя небольшой астигматизм, который и является причиной всех проблем
00:05:51,866 --> 00:05:52,892 И что это значит?
00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:56,407 Это значит, поросёнок, что твое зрение уже никогда не станет лучше
00:05:56,408 --> 00:05:59,159 Так. Сейчас я буду говорить совершенно серьезно, окей?
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,304 Если ты назовешь меня поросёнком еще раз,
00:06:02,305 --> 00:06:06,273 я спрыгну с кресла и оторву твои гребаные яйца голыми руками!
00:06:06,274 --> 00:06:10,140 Ничего, не волнуйся, у меня есть нечто, от чего твои глаза будут, как новенькие
00:06:12,731 --> 00:06:17,487 А, блин! Супер отстой! Я не надену их, пацаны меня вконец достанут
00:06:17,488 --> 00:06:20,464 Я знаю, самое трудное, это - заставить детей носить их очки
00:06:20,465 --> 00:06:22,303 Я просто сниму их сразу же, как выйду отсюда!
00:06:22,304 --> 00:06:24,194 А для этого у нас тут есть маленький степлер
00:06:24,195 --> 00:06:25,853 Уйя! Сучий потрох!
00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:27,748 Говорят, что Шеф работает в одном из этих зданий
00:06:30,152 --> 00:06:31,466 Привет, пацаны
00:06:35,564 --> 00:06:38,424 "Ха-ха-ха"! Посмотрите на Картмана и его дурацкие очки! "Ха-ха-ха"!
00:06:38,425 --> 00:06:39,853 Блин! Просто сними их нафиг!
00:06:39,854 --> 00:06:41,259 Не могу! Они степлером прибиты к моей голове!
00:06:45,136 --> 00:06:46,254 Ненавижу вас, пацаны
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,879 Здравствуйте и добро пожаловать в "Стайнбург энд Бургстайн". Могу ли я вам помочь?
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:50,880 Мы хотим поговорить с Шефом
00:06:50,881 --> 00:06:51,716 Шефом?
00:06:51,717 --> 00:06:52,777 Он - большой мужик с бородой
00:06:52,778 --> 00:06:53,498 И с поварским колпаком
00:06:53,518 --> 00:06:54,618 И огр..ным чл.ном!
00:06:54,676 --> 00:06:56,482 А, чернокожий парень!
00:06:56,688 --> 00:06:58,222 Третья кабинка налево
00:06:59,614 --> 00:07:02,539 Эй! Нет тот ли ты прелестный малыш из Джерри Магвайра?
00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:03,685 Да, конечно, конечно
00:07:03,686 --> 00:07:05,503 Ого! Ну ты и растолстел
00:07:06,608 --> 00:07:08,007 Здравствуйте, дети
00:07:08,008 --> 00:07:08,686 Привет, Шеф
00:07:08,687 --> 00:07:10,683 Эрик, ты носишь очки?
00:07:10,684 --> 00:07:11,846 Шеф, ты должен выгнать сучку
00:07:11,847 --> 00:07:12,730 Что?
00:07:12,731 --> 00:07:13,773 Ты нужен нам, Шеф
00:07:13,774 --> 00:07:16,573 Эй, Шеф, мы тут собираемся сбегать в магазин канцелярских товаров
00:07:16,574 --> 00:07:19,205 за кожаными чехлами для пейджеров, ты идешь?
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,339 А то!
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,275 Шеф, это место - не для тебя!
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:25,232 Дети, Вероника показала мне, что я жил очень пустой жизнью
00:07:25,233 --> 00:07:27,540 Бессмысленный секс хорош для 20 или 30 лет,
00:07:27,541 --> 00:07:29,026 но потом он начинает надоедать
00:07:29,027 --> 00:07:30,220 Но она нам не нравится
00:07:30,221 --> 00:07:31,161 Почему нет?!
00:07:31,162 --> 00:07:32,842 Не знаю. Наверно, просто так
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:35,318 Дети, ваши друзья рано или поздно находят подружек
00:07:35,319 --> 00:07:37,866 Когда-нибудь и вам самим придётся с этим столкнуться
00:07:37,867 --> 00:07:39,076 Ни за что, блин!
00:07:39,077 --> 00:07:41,354 Пожалуйста, Шеф! Я не знаю, что мне делать с моими дурацкими очками
00:07:41,355 --> 00:07:44,780 Да легко! Сделай себе лазерную коррекцию зрения, как я сделал
00:07:44,781 --> 00:07:46,944 Точно! Лазерная коррекция! Спасибо, Шеф!
00:07:46,945 --> 00:07:48,704 Вот видите? Все будет хорошо
00:07:48,705 --> 00:07:51,029 Ну а как насчет того, чтобы встретиться после работы, и поиграть в мяч?
00:07:51,030 --> 00:07:51,852 Отлично!
00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:54,503 Шеф будет с минуты на минуту
00:08:05,183 --> 00:08:06,828 Блин! Он же обещал нам!
00:08:06,829 --> 00:08:07,686 Не могу поверить!
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,254 Короче! Мы идем к нему домой!
00:08:13,357 --> 00:08:15,261 O! Здравствуйте, дети
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,093 Итак, мистер!
00:08:16,094 --> 00:08:18,691 Надеюсь, у вас есть хорошее объяснение, почему ты не пришел играть с нами в мяч!
00:08:18,692 --> 00:08:21,263 О, простите, дети. Я забыл!
00:08:21,264 --> 00:08:22,249 Ты забыл?!
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:25,847 Вероника неожиданно нагрянула в офис и пригласила меня на ужин. Она так изумительна
00:08:25,848 --> 00:08:28,607 Что ж, мы кое-что хотим тебе сказать о Веронике, Шеф!
00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:30,436 Здравствуйте, дети!
00:08:30,437 --> 00:08:32,501 Мэм, у нас тут, блин, разговор, если вы не возражаете
00:08:32,502 --> 00:08:37,023 Дети, у меня есть для вас прекрасная новость. Вероника и я собираемся пожениться
00:08:38,479 --> 00:08:40,069 О, нет! Нет, нет, нет, нет, нет!
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:43,606 Вся моя семья приезжает на свадьбу, и я хочу, чтобы вы, мальчики, тоже пришли
00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,166 Это так чудесно! Давайте споем!
00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:50,175 И будет следующее утро
00:08:50,576 --> 00:08:54,819 Лишь ночь нам надо переждать
00:08:54,820 --> 00:08:58,739 Дай шанс, рассвет, тебя нам встретить...
00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:06,224 И это, дети, всё, что вам нужно знать о взрослой жизни
00:09:07,011 --> 00:09:08,192 Давайте повторим...
00:09:08,193 --> 00:09:11,731 Тути покинула сериал в четвертом сезоне, но Блэр и Джо остались и обзавелись мужьями,
00:09:11,732 --> 00:09:14,206 сделав пятый и шестой сезоны ужасно вялыми
00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:17,661 Окей, дети, сейчас обед. Встретимся через тридцать минут
00:09:17,662 --> 00:09:19,239 Мистер Гаррисон, можно с вами поговорить?
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:19,836 Конечно
00:09:19,837 --> 00:09:22,348 Обычно мы шли к Шефу с нашими проблемами, но сейчас не можем
00:09:22,349 --> 00:09:24,096 Что ж, дети, я - ваш учитель Думаю, вы сочтете мои советы
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:27,902 такими же полезными, как и советы Шефа, а может даже и более ценными.
00:09:27,913 --> 00:09:31,066 Хорошо. Мистер Гаррисон, у вас был когда-нибудь друг, у которого появилась подружка,
00:09:31,101 --> 00:09:33,223 и он перестал быть вашим другом, и это вас обламало?
00:09:33,258 --> 00:09:35,042 А, обычный синдром "отсоситебямон"
00:09:35,043 --> 00:09:36,686 Что такое отсоситебямон?
00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:39,841 Отсоситебямон – это женщина-демон, посланная из ада, чтобы высасывать жизненные силы из мужчин
00:09:39,842 --> 00:09:40,452 Так и есть!
00:09:40,453 --> 00:09:40,897 Ага!
00:09:40,932 --> 00:09:43,140 Да, трудно противостоять отсоситебямону
00:09:43,141 --> 00:09:44,863 Их дьявольская сила делает мужчин слепыми в любви
00:09:44,864 --> 00:09:46,494 Это - именно то, что происходит!
00:09:46,495 --> 00:09:47,886 Ого, вы - действительно умный, мистер Гаррисон!
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:51,043 Да, скажу вам, мальчики, женщины могут погубить, путана может обойтись дорого
00:09:51,044 --> 00:09:53,891 Поэтому, когда доходит до шлюх, я просто трахаю их и бросаю
00:09:53,892 --> 00:09:56,726 Я говорю: "Убирайся из моей спальни, тайская путана, пока ты не высосала из меня жизнь!"
00:09:56,955 --> 00:09:57,912 Спасибо, мистер Гаррисон
00:09:57,913 --> 00:09:58,828 Конечно, дети
00:10:01,428 --> 00:10:02,597 Ты не проведешь никого.
00:10:02,698 --> 00:10:04,143 Закрой варежку, мистер Шляпа!
00:10:04,144 --> 00:10:06,922 Вперед, пацаны! Мы должны бежать сообщить Шефу, что он влюблен в отсоситебямона
00:10:06,923 --> 00:10:08,886 Ага! Он будет благодарен нам за то, что мы сказали ему
00:10:08,887 --> 00:10:12,275 Вот ты где, Эрик! Идём, нам нужно к глазному доктору
00:10:12,276 --> 00:10:13,397 О нет!
00:10:13,398 --> 00:10:16,541 Идём же. Ты хочешь сделать лазерную коррекцию зрения или нет?
00:10:16,542 --> 00:10:17,976 Да, но может, мы подождем до завтра?
00:10:17,977 --> 00:10:19,137 Нет, сейчас, милый
00:10:19,138 --> 00:10:23,248 Но, мам! Я должен сказать Шефу, что он женится на отсоситебямоне!
00:10:28,067 --> 00:10:29,201 Здравствуйте, дети
00:10:29,202 --> 00:10:29,875 Вы - кто?
00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:32,310 Я - отец Шефа. Мы только что прилетели на его свадьбу
00:10:32,311 --> 00:10:34,281 А, привет. Шеф здесь? Нам надо с ним поговорить
00:10:34,282 --> 00:10:35,763 Ну что ж, заходите
00:10:35,764 --> 00:10:36,555 А вот и он
00:10:37,602 --> 00:10:39,035 Шеф, нам нужно с тобой поговорить
00:10:39,036 --> 00:10:42,498 Нет, не сейчас, дети! Мне надо бежать сделать обмеры ягодиц. Скоро буду!
00:10:49,469 --> 00:10:52,307 Ну, разве эти бледнопузые барчуки не прелестны, как два чертёнка?
00:10:52,308 --> 00:10:53,288 Вы – родители Шефа?
00:10:53,289 --> 00:10:54,709 Да. Всю его жизнь
00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:55,764 Нам нужно с ним поговорить
00:10:55,765 --> 00:10:57,649 Ну, он должен появиться прямо сейчас.
00:10:57,650 --> 00:11:00,421 О, он так взволнован из-за этой свадьбы
00:11:00,422 --> 00:11:05,172 Скажем, хотели бы вы, бледнопузы, послушать о том, как мы встретили Лох-Несского монстра?
00:11:05,173 --> 00:11:06,131 Нет, не обязательно
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,864 Ну-у! Это было где-то 7-8 лет назад
00:11:08,865 --> 00:11:11,246 Мы с женой катались на лодке, понимаете...
00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:14,623 Совсем одни той ночью... Как вдруг эта огромная тварь,
00:11:14,624 --> 00:11:18,132 это ракообразное времен палеолита появилось из воды
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:20,398 Мы были так напуганы, господи помилуй!
00:11:20,399 --> 00:11:23,289 Я вскочила и закричала: "Томас, да что же это за тварь?!"
00:11:23,290 --> 00:11:26,412 Оно нависло над нами, глядя на нас своими большими красными глазами...
00:11:26,413 --> 00:11:27,793 О, это было так страшно!
00:11:27,794 --> 00:11:30,355 И я завопил: "Что тебе нужно от нас, монстр?!"
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,866 И тут монстр нагнулся и сказал:
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,920 "Мне нужно, где-то, три дебесят"
00:11:36,533 --> 00:11:37,802 Че за "три дебесят"?
00:11:37,803 --> 00:11:39,212 Три доллара 50 центов.
00:11:39,213 --> 00:11:40,270 Три дебесят.
00:11:40,271 --> 00:11:41,071 Он хотел деньги?
00:11:41,072 --> 00:11:45,564 В точку. Я ответил: "Не дам я тебе три дебесят, чертов Лох-Несский монстр!
00:11:45,565 --> 00:11:47,297 Зарабатывай свои собственные чертовы деньги!"
00:11:47,298 --> 00:11:48,388 Я дала ему доллар
00:11:48,389 --> 00:11:49,646 Она дала ему доллар
00:11:49,647 --> 00:11:51,814 Я думала, он уйдет, если я дам ему доллар
00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:56,466 Ну, конечно он не уйдет, ха! Нелли, если ты дала ему доллар, он будет надеяться на большее!
00:11:59,214 --> 00:12:03,137 Ну что ж, приступим. Ты пришел, чтобы сделать липосакцию, так?
00:12:03,738 --> 00:12:05,141 Эй! Ты, сукин сын!
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,216 Отлично. Время порезать меня лазером, да, толстый поросёнок?
00:12:09,444 --> 00:12:12,689 Эй! Ты, сучий потрох! Я отпинаю тебя по яйцам до квадратной формы...
00:12:15,653 --> 00:12:17,691 Готов спорить, его мамаша хотела бы это сделать
00:12:19,669 --> 00:12:22,609 ...и это был третий раз, когда мы встретили Лох-Несского монстра
00:12:22,610 --> 00:12:24,598 Итак, однажды... думаю, это было в июле...
00:12:24,599 --> 00:12:25,289 В августе
00:12:25,290 --> 00:12:26,906 В августе. Вдруг – стук в дверь
00:12:26,907 --> 00:12:29,577 Открываю... На пороге стоит прелестная маленькая девочка-скаут
00:12:29,578 --> 00:12:32,299 Она была такая очаровательная, с такими маленькими косичками... и все такое...
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:35,020 И она говорит мне: "Не хотите ли купить немного печенья?"
00:12:35,075 --> 00:12:37,017 А я говорю: "Ну, и какое же у тебя есть?"
00:12:37,018 --> 00:12:39,251 У нее были мятные пластинки, пшеничные хрустики...
00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:40,668 Овсяные с изюмом...
00:12:40,669 --> 00:12:42,306 Овсяные с изюмом... И я сказал:
00:12:42,307 --> 00:12:44,783 "Мы возьмем пшеничные хрустики. Сколько это будет стоить?"
00:12:44,784 --> 00:12:47,502 И тут она глядит на меня и говорит: "Мне нужно, где-то, три дебесят"
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:49,836 Три дебесят.
00:12:50,335 --> 00:12:55,335 Да, и тут я понимаю, что эта девочка-скаут в действительности...
00:12:55,336 --> 00:12:57,883 8-этажной высоты ракообразное из палеозойской эры
00:12:57,884 --> 00:12:59,046 Лох-Несский монстр
00:12:59,047 --> 00:13:03,774 Я сказал: "Черт возьми, монстр! Убирайся с моей лужайки! Не дам я тебе три дебесят!"
00:13:03,775 --> 00:13:05,851 А он говорит: "Как насчет два дебесят?"
00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:07,983 Я сказал: "Ага, а теперь уже два дебесят?!
00:13:07,984 --> 00:13:10,665 У вас что, распродажа Лох-Несской жрачки или типа того?!"
00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:11,733 Боже, он разозлился!
00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:13,043 Черт возьми, верно, я разозлился
00:13:13,044 --> 00:13:15,570 Не ты, а монстр. Он чуть не надрал тебе задницу
00:13:15,571 --> 00:13:17,109 Закрой свой рот, женщина
00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:18,862 Э, может вы просто скажете Шефу, что мы заходили
00:13:18,863 --> 00:13:20,833 Конечно! Чокнутый старый монстр...
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,059 Позже, в четвертый раз, когда...
00:13:26,693 --> 00:13:28,139 Картман, какого черта ты делаешь?
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,368 Этот говнюк-окулист напортачил с лазерной коррекцией
00:13:30,369 --> 00:13:32,260 Теперь я должен носить эту повязку три дня
00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:34,026 Черт, у тебя, должно быть, теперь полная лажа с глазами, Картман
00:13:34,027 --> 00:13:37,677 О, спасибо за новость, Том Брокау! Че там с Шефом? Вы сказали ему, что она – отсоситебямон?
00:13:37,678 --> 00:13:39,076 Ну, мы даже не смогли поговорить с ним
00:13:39,077 --> 00:13:40,795 Она такая злобная, совсем не подпускает его к нам
00:13:40,796 --> 00:13:43,587 Эрик, к тебе гость. Ты не против?
00:13:46,605 --> 00:13:48,078 Привет, мальчики
00:13:48,079 --> 00:13:50,811 Я слышала, Эрику сделали лазерную коррекцию, вот – я испекла ему пирог.
00:13:50,812 --> 00:13:52,126 Это отсоситебямон!
00:13:52,127 --> 00:13:52,981 Чего?
00:13:52,982 --> 00:13:54,240 Мы знаем, кто вы, леди!
00:13:54,241 --> 00:13:56,446 Да! Вы - кровожадная отсоситебямон!
00:13:56,447 --> 00:13:57,530 Кто?
00:13:57,531 --> 00:13:59,508 Демон, посланный из ада, чтобы высасывать жизнь из мужчин
00:13:59,709 --> 00:14:03,031 Мальчики! Вы знаете, как глупо это звучит, не так ли?
00:14:03,758 --> 00:14:05,805 Ну... ты уводишь у нас Шефа
00:14:05,806 --> 00:14:08,622 Мальчики, идите сюда. Я хочу вам кое-что объяснить
00:14:08,623 --> 00:14:13,190 Я знаю, что Шеф - ваш друг. Но Шеф – взрослый мужчина.
00:14:13,191 --> 00:14:16,016 У него есть потребности, которые вы, мальчики, не можете удовлетворить
00:14:16,017 --> 00:14:18,475 Он хочет жизни со мной, потому что я сделаю его счастливым.
00:14:18,476 --> 00:14:20,298 Вы понимаете?
00:14:20,299 --> 00:14:21,433 Думаю, да
00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:22,811 Хорошо
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,853 И, мальчики, вот еще...
00:14:26,331 --> 00:14:28,128 Я собираюсь завтра выйти замуж за Шефа
00:14:28,963 --> 00:14:31,579 И у вас нет никакой, вашу мать, возможности этому воспрепятствовать!
00:14:34,544 --> 00:14:35,736 Чао-какао!
00:14:36,812 --> 00:14:37,612 Господи, блин!
00:14:37,647 --> 00:14:38,837 Что? Что тут было?
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,506 Пожалуйста, прошу вашего внимания!
00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:50,460 Завтра мой сын женится на прекрасной женщине
00:14:50,461 --> 00:14:52,376 Я очень счастлив за них обоих
00:14:52,377 --> 00:14:55,066 Ну вот, пошёл. Я же сказал себе, что не буду плакать, на...
00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,082 Всё в порядке, пап
00:14:56,083 --> 00:14:58,047 Томас, из-за тебя теперь и я прослезилась, на!
00:14:58,048 --> 00:15:01,242 Я помню, когда Шеф был ещё трёхлетним пареньком
00:15:01,243 --> 00:15:05,833 Он прибежал ко мне с огромной улыбкой, в маленьком поварском колпаке на голове...
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:08,847 И он сказал: "Папа! Папа!". Я спросил: "Что ты хочешь, Шеф, мой мальчик?"
00:15:08,848 --> 00:15:11,240 И он сказал… "Мне нужно где-то три дебесят"
00:15:11,741 --> 00:15:13,110 Три дебесят
00:15:13,111 --> 00:15:15,557 И вот в это время у меня зародилось подозрение
00:15:15,558 --> 00:15:18,505 Я спросил: "Шеф, а зачем тебе три дебесят?"
00:15:18,506 --> 00:15:22,346 Он ответил: "Это – для моего воображаемого друга, динозавра Гу-Гу"
00:15:22,347 --> 00:15:27,049 Я отправился в комнату моего сына, и, само собой, там был Лох-Несский монстр
00:15:27,050 --> 00:15:28,306 О, это было так страшно!
00:15:28,307 --> 00:15:31,800 Я сказал: "Проклятый чертов монстр! Прекрати приставать к моим детям, на!"
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:35,285 "Мы в этом доме зарабатываем свои деньги и не раздаем их кому попало!"
00:15:35,286 --> 00:15:39,102 Прошу прощения! Извините, что прерываем, но у нас плохие новости
00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:42,185 Это – не женщина! Это – отсоситебямон!
00:15:42,186 --> 00:15:42,990 Что?!
00:15:42,991 --> 00:15:45,649 Да! Она злая и она хочет высосать жизнь из Шефа
00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:48,357 Дети... Это причиняет боль моим чувствам.
00:15:48,358 --> 00:15:51,760 О, можешь притворяться, кем угодно! Тебе никого не обмануть!
00:15:51,761 --> 00:15:55,417 Ну всё, парни! Хватит! С меня довольно!
00:15:55,418 --> 00:15:58,975 Это - самый счастливый момент моей жизни, а вы не хотите порадоваться за меня!
00:15:58,976 --> 00:15:59,607 Но, Шеф...
00:15:59,608 --> 00:16:02,763 Никаких "но", Стэн! Я люблю эту женщину и женюсь на ней!
00:16:02,764 --> 00:16:06,441 Так что вы или смиритесь с этим, или убирайтесь из моей жизни!
00:16:06,442 --> 00:16:09,082 А сейчас, если позволите, у нас – праздник
00:16:09,083 --> 00:16:12,065 ...и вот, я погнал монстра вниз по улице, понимаете...
00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:14,981 Похоже, мы ничего не можем сделать. Шеф любит её больше нас
00:16:14,982 --> 00:16:17,721 Нет! Я не собираюсь сдаваться! Шеф бы не сдался на нашем месте!
00:16:19,953 --> 00:16:22,896 Ну блин! Здесь куча всего про отсоситебямонов, но ничего о том, как их остановить
00:16:22,897 --> 00:16:25,550 Пацаны, уже шесть утра, мне нужно хоть немного поспать
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,208 Блин, свадьба Шефа через три часа
00:16:27,209 --> 00:16:29,175 У нас совсем мало времени, чтобы найти, как уничтожить отсоситебямона
00:16:29,176 --> 00:16:31,674 Знаете что?! Насрать на Шефа! Я сказал! Насрать на него!
00:16:31,675 --> 00:16:33,922 Пускай женится на отсоситебямоне! Я хочу спать
00:16:34,223 --> 00:16:36,331 Вот! Вот! Глядите сюда! Тут сказано:
00:16:36,332 --> 00:16:40,816 Отсоситебямон завораживает свою жертву жуткой мелодией. Это и есть сила отсоситебямонов.
00:16:40,817 --> 00:16:44,259 Только проиграв эту мелодию наоборот, можно подавить силу отсоситебямона.
00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:45,512 Что вся эта хрень значит?
00:16:45,513 --> 00:16:46,448 Я не знаю
00:16:46,513 --> 00:16:49,448 Эй, п...ны! Па..ны! Я ду..ю, я зна. .очно, . ..ачит!
00:16:49,513 --> 00:16:52,448 Это зна..., ..о мы до..ны сде..ть .за..сь ...ни . ...ть по....стью сл.ва, чт.бы по..м ...ся, как пе....вить их.
00:16:53,084 --> 00:16:54,031 Так
00:16:54,112 --> 00:16:58,512 А по..ом, мы до..ны вз..ть л.ст бу..ги и запи..ть ка.ждое сл.во, ко...е мы сп.ли в об...ном по..дке. А по.ом пр.сто сп.ть п..сню на....рот!.
00:16:58,616 --> 00:16:59,644 Ага
00:16:59,662 --> 00:17:00,612 Вот, чт. это зна.ит!
00:17:00,633 --> 00:17:03,071 А в натуре! Что там за песня, которую она все время поет?
00:17:03,072 --> 00:17:05,524 И будет следующее утро
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:10,864 Лишь ночь нам надо переждать. Должны найти наш путь мы вместе…
00:17:10,865 --> 00:17:13,439 Точно! Мы должны выучить эту песню задом наперед
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,845 За три часа
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,551 А блин! У меня глаза слипаются
00:17:20,552 --> 00:17:22,724 Нельзя засыпать. Надо сосредоточиться на песне
00:17:22,725 --> 00:17:25,507 Ты приготовил магнитофон, Картман? Картман?
00:17:25,508 --> 00:17:27,197 Он спит! Вставай, жиртрест!
00:17:27,198 --> 00:17:27,866 Что, что, что?
00:17:27,867 --> 00:17:29,190 Чёрт возьми! Нельзя спать!
00:17:29,191 --> 00:17:31,142 Я не спал, я просто сильно задумался
00:17:31,143 --> 00:17:33,693 ...и эти пришельцы забрали меня на их корабль, так?
00:17:33,694 --> 00:17:35,071 Они проводили надо мной опыты и всё такое
00:17:35,072 --> 00:17:36,707 В тот вечер у нас был Тако салат
00:17:36,708 --> 00:17:38,711 Какая разница, что у нас было на ужин, женщина!
00:17:38,712 --> 00:17:41,498 Так вот, у этого пришельца была большая голова с большими черными глазами,
00:17:41,499 --> 00:17:44,952 и он склонился надо мной. Я сказал: "Что тебе нужно от меня, пришелец?!"
00:17:44,953 --> 00:17:46,368 и знаете, что он ответил?
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:47,278 Три дебесят
00:17:47,279 --> 00:17:49,453 Дай, я сам расскажу эту чертову историю, на!
00:17:49,454 --> 00:17:52,729 Он сказал: "три дебесят". И тут я понял, что это - не пришелец,
00:17:52,730 --> 00:17:58,221 а это – чертов Лох-Несский монстр снова пытается меня развести на три дебесят, переодевшись в пришельца
00:17:58,222 --> 00:17:59,459 Ну, разве не чересчур?!
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:01,748 Я дала ему три дебесят всего неделю тому.
00:18:01,749 --> 00:18:04,638 Что?! Ты дала этому чертову монстру еще одни чертовы три дебесят?!
00:18:04,639 --> 00:18:05,644 Он надул меня
00:18:05,645 --> 00:18:08,499 Ха, неудивительно, что чёртов монстр продолжает ходить к нам!
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,000 Ты продолжаешь давать ему три дебесят!
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:12,913 Вот она!
00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:23,928 Сука! Сука! Сука! Сука!
00:18:23,929 --> 00:18:26,769 Грязная сука! Ладно, Кайл и я пойдем, займем свои позиции впереди
00:18:27,651 --> 00:18:31,856 Согласен ли ты, Шеф, взять эту женщину в законные жены, и быть с ней...
00:18:31,857 --> 00:18:32,833 Согласен!
00:18:32,834 --> 00:18:34,697 О! Мой крошка женится!
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:37,128 А ты, Вероника, согласна ли взять Шефа своим папочкой?
00:18:37,129 --> 00:18:38,470 Согласна!
00:18:38,471 --> 00:18:40,675 Ну, а теперь особым образом разделим с молодоженами клятву супружества песней
00:18:41,066 --> 00:18:42,080 Начинается
00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:46,129 "И будет следующее утро..."
00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:47,421 Давай, Картман!
00:18:49,938 --> 00:18:51,104 Давай, Картман!
00:18:53,646 --> 00:18:56,511 Дети! Вы разрушаете мою свадьбу!
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:57,988 Я позабочусь о них!
00:18:57,989 --> 00:19:00,186 Картман! Проснись, ты, жирный кусок дерьма!
00:19:03,812 --> 00:19:08,653 Искать! луч света продолжим и мы встретить
00:19:08,654 --> 00:19:12,202 нам тебя рассвет шанс дай переждать
00:19:12,237 --> 00:19:13,100 Какого хрена...
00:19:13,101 --> 00:19:14,574 надо нам ночь лишь...
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:16,476 О нет! Плёнку заело!
00:19:23,373 --> 00:19:24,544 Что за...
00:19:24,545 --> 00:19:26,804 Она – проклятый отсоситебямон!
00:19:26,805 --> 00:19:28,854 Отсоситебямон пытается забрать моего малыша!
00:19:33,793 --> 00:19:34,992 Давай, Картман!
00:19:34,993 --> 00:19:36,192 Я не вижу ничего!
00:19:37,851 --> 00:19:39,364 О, боже мой! Она убила Кенни!
00:19:39,399 --> 00:19:40,365 Сволочь!
00:19:40,366 --> 00:19:43,124 Ты, проклятое чудище! Прочь от моего малыша!
00:19:43,125 --> 00:19:45,018 Погоди! Посмотрю, может, у меня есть три дебесят!
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,261 Получилось!
00:19:47,262 --> 00:19:50,890 надо нам ночь лишь утро
00:19:51,365 --> 00:19:53,551 следующее будет И.
00:20:04,629 --> 00:20:06,440 Ого! Такое не каждый день увидишь!
00:20:08,509 --> 00:20:10,273 Прости, Шеф, мы должны были это сделать!
00:20:10,274 --> 00:20:12,526 Нет, я рад, что вы сделали это, дети
00:20:13,996 --> 00:20:17,624 Теперь, когда её нет, я не могу даже понять, что я в ней находил
00:20:17,971 --> 00:20:19,432 Розовое жало тайской путаны
00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:21,303 Пойдем, дети, купим мороженого
00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:22,277 Ура!
00:20:23,974 --> 00:20:26,987 Что? Что тут было, пацаны? Кенни в порядке?
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,108 Здравствуйте, дети!
00:20:31,109 --> 00:20:32,113 Привет, Шеф!
00:20:32,114 --> 00:20:34,071 Как насчет рыбных палочек и сладкого картофеля?
00:20:34,072 --> 00:20:35,133 С удовольствием!!
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,262 Здорово, что ты вернулся, Шеф!
00:20:36,263 --> 00:20:38,745 Да, что ж, я получил хороший урок на этой неделе...
00:20:38,746 --> 00:20:43,068 Иногда к тебе приходит любовь, и ты веришь, что это навечно.
00:20:43,069 --> 00:20:47,309 Ты меняешь жизнь и плюешь на друзей, а любовь – она быстротечна.
00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:51,610 Однажды любовь пройдет совсем, пусть и сильной была любовь твоя к ней
00:20:51,611 --> 00:20:56,123 А ты окажешься ни с чем, ведь думал за тебя твой ЧЛЕН!
00:20:56,124 --> 00:21:00,291 Так берегись же этой любви, эй Она – ураган, берегись, ротозей
00:21:00,292 --> 00:21:02,794 Держись молодцом, не будь дураком
00:21:03,016 --> 00:21:05,765 и не дай тайской путане заменить тебе твоих друзей
00:21:06,414 --> 00:21:08,107 Чертовски в точку, Гаррисон
00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:13,555 Привет, поросёнок! Как твои глазки?
00:21:13,556 --> 00:21:15,571 Уже завтра они будут в полном порядке,
00:21:15,572 --> 00:21:17,379 и мне больше никогда не придется снова видеть тебя, никогда!!!
00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:20,041 Я не думаю, что это возможно, поросенок, только не с твоими глазами
00:21:20,042 --> 00:21:21,799 Нет, не с моими...
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,194 С этими.
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:25,593 Он был донором органов?
00:21:25,594 --> 00:21:26,277 Конечно
00:21:26,278 --> 00:21:27,705 Ну что ж, тогда – за работу
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,026 Говоришь, у тебя нет трех долларов пятидесяти центов, не так ли?
00:21:32,711 --> 00:21:37,711 Коррекция перевода и адаптация песен – (c) LazyMax LazyMax@mail.com

00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,429 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,514 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,307 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
00:00:15,433 --> 00:00:16,976 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,269 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,146 ♪ Gonna leave my woe's behind ♪
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:21,814 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,441 ♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪
00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:24,859 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:26,694 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:30,156 [♪ Mumbling ♪]
00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,490 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,075 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
00:00:37,288 --> 00:00:39,248 Mom, please, can we just leave?
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,125 You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,668 But I hate the eye doctor.
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,295 He's always making fun of me for being fat.
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,630 You're not fat. You're big-boned!
00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,591 That's what I told him but he doesn't listen to reason.
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,301 Eric Cartman?
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:51,927 Oh, weak.
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,054 Hello Eric.
00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:54,305 Hi, Doctor Lott.
00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:55,514 How's my little piggy, today?
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,349 Hey, don't call me "little piggy"!
00:00:57,475 --> 00:00:59,393 I just say that because you're my little buddy.
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:00,561 I'm just here for an eye exam
00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:01,896 keep your fat jokes to yourself!
00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:03,105 Hop up on the chair.
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,023 Don't break it, now.
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,900 Goddamn it!
00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,526 Just kidding, let's see how your eyes are doing.
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:08,861 All you have to do is read the letters.
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:09,904 Can you see the letters?
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,155 Yes.
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,031 Read them out for me.
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:15,576 I-am-a-little-piggy.
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:16,619 Hey! - Ha ha ha!
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,287 That does it! Mom!
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:19,747 No no, that's just a weird coincidence.
00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:21,499 I do not know how that happened.
00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:23,667 "I am a little piggy," what are the odds of that!
00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,961 Alright, let's get down to business, shall we?
00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:27,505 Gee that's a good idea.
00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:29,215 My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian.
00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,383 Hmmm, let's see, which is better, 1 or 2?
00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,761 They look exactly the same!
00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:34,929 Just pick one-- or 2?
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:36,764 I dunno-2.
00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,723 Okay.
00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,934 1 or 2? 1 or 2?
00:01:40,059 --> 00:01:41,143 Uh, 1.
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,229 1 or 2? 1 or 2?
00:01:43,354 --> 00:01:44,438 2!
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,524 No! The answer is 1, piggy, 1!
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:48,109 Ooww, I hate you!
00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:49,944 Yes, there's obviously a problem with your eyes.
00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:52,404 I'm going to have to dilate them and run some tests.
00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,079 I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,914 Yeah, usually when he ditches school he still shows up for lunch!
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:02,957 [mumbling]
00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:04,333 Ha ha ha!
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,584 Yeah, oh, here he comes!
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:06,877 Hey, dudes.
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,132 Wow, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,883 My asshole eye doctor made them all <i>diabated.</i>
00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:13,592 Why?
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:14,844 Why? I'll tell you why,
00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:16,220 because he's a goddamn asshole,
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:17,680 and that's about it!
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:18,764 Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,015 Because my eyes suck.
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,517 But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow.
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,061 I don't know what I'm gonna do!
00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:25,980 Dude, just ask Chef for help, he always knows what to do.
00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:26,647 Hey yeah.
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:27,857 Oww!
00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:28,941 Hey Chef!
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,401 Hello there, children!
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,444 Dudes, now my eyes are screwed up.
00:02:32,570 --> 00:02:33,988 Chef looks like a skinny little white guy!
00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:35,322 It's time for luncharoo!
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:35,948 Where's Chef?
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,116 Chef quit!
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,492 [all] What!
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,369 Chef is gone, so let me introduce myself...
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,663 I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp!
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,039 [♪ Fanfare ♪]
00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,374 Mr. Derp?
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,042 When I'm in the kitchen,
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,837 you never know what nutty things are gonna happen.
00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:53,132 If you liked Chef, you're gonna <i>love</i> Mr. Derp!
00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,216 [♪ Fanfare ♪]
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,384 Ooh-derp!
00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:57,469 Derp!
00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:59,013 Wasn't that silly kids?
00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:00,556 Ha ha ha!
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,850 Why did Chef quit?
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,643 Aren't I a great character?
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:07,104 My antics go right to the funnybone!
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,065 Ooh, I don't feel so good.
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,650 Ha ha ha, derp!
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:14,111 Could you just hand us some food, please?
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:18,949 Sure gang, I have yellow stuff or white stuff. Derp!
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,534 Can I have the yellow with a side of white?
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,745 Dude, I hate Mr. Derp.
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,413 Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,248 and get him to come back.
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,125 I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing is pretty funny.
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,168 Shut up, Cartman!
00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,129 Oww!
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:33,422 Oh, hello there, children!
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,798 Chef, what the hell are you doing?
00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:35,841 We almost starved to death at lunch today!
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,051 Oh, didn't they tell you?
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,594 I quit.
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,637 Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:40,971 Well, it's true.
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,139 But why?
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,891 Why would you quit?
00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,184 Children, 3 nights ago I was at the library
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,936 checking out some books on <i>Kama Sutra,</i>
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,271 when I met the most amazing woman, ever!
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,731 She knew so much about so many things.
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,566 She really got me thinking.
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:55,861 We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off!
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,821 So you made sweet love to her down by the fire?
00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:01,617 No no, we just sat there all night long and... talked.
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,244 Talked?
00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:04,995 Yeah, she told me all about the power of the Goddess.
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,164 And how man had been oppressing women for years
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,874 and viewing them as sexual objects.
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,794 And I realized that I had done that myself!
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,462 Oh, what darling little children!
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,964 Here she is now.
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,715 Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,384 That's nice.
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,094 Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor--girlfriend?
00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,971 Children, Veronica's moving in with me.
00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:22,888 Moving in?
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,139 I'm in love.
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,307 [all] Love?!
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,767 Oh, you nut!
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,769 What the hell is going on?
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:31,105 Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me.
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,523 Sorry, boys.
00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,692 Looks like I'm <i>stealing</i> Chef away from you.
00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:36,443 But Chef always helps us with our problems.
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,612 When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better!
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,072 Well I can still do that, children.
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,949 In fact, Veronica can help me.
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,325 She's a great singer too.
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,451 What's the problem?
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,828 My eyes are going bad
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:46,745 but the only eye doctor in South Park
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,289 is really, really mean.
00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:50,666 Oh, I know just the song for you.
00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:56,171 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:04:56,297 --> 00:05:00,801 ♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,972 ♪ We have a chance to find the sunshine ♪
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:08,684 ♪ Let's keep on looking for the light... ♪♪
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,894 This... is insane.
00:05:13,022 --> 00:05:14,481 That bitch!
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,774 She's stealing Chef from us!
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:16,984 He didn't even seem like Chef.
00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:18,902 He seemed like an empty shell of a man.
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:20,070 Maybe it's just a phase.
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:21,488 We just have to get him alone
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,782 so we can tell him what a bitch she is!
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,367 Wait, you guys...
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,536 Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,079 because Chef is our friend
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,832 and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,792 Yeah, so?
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,419 Yeah, screw that bitch!
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,879 Bitch, I hate that bitch!
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,630 Look, we've just got to get Chef alone.
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,549 He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,676 Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,303 Good idea!
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,680 Alright, we've got the test results back, piggy--
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,474 Stop calling me piggy!
00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,893 You've got a small stigmatism that's causing all the problems.
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,062 What does that mean?
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,939 It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:59,693 Alright. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious, okay?
00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:01,904 If you call me piggy one more time,
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,822 I'm gonna leap out of this chair
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,783 and rip your goddamn nuts off with my bare hands!
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,659 Well don't worry, I've got something
00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:09,870 that is going to make your eyes as good as new.
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,624 Oh dude, super weak.
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:15,000 I'm <i>not</i> wearing these.
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,002 The guys would totally rip on me!
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,379 I know the hardest thing to do
00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,047 is get kids to wear their glasses.
00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,632 I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave.
00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:23,467 That's why we have the little stapler.
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,302 Oww, son of a bitch!
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,971 They said Chef works in one of these buildings.
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,225 Hey, dudes.
00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:34,686 Ha ha ha! Ha ha!
00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:37,648 "Ha ha ha, look at Cartman with his stupid glasses. Ha ha ha."
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,274 Dude, just take them off!
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,984 I can't, it's stapled to my head!
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:44,446 Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:46,657 I hate you guys.
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,535 Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein, can I help you?
00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:50,369 We want to talk to Chef!
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,204 Chef?
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,163 He's a big guy with a beard and a Chef's hat.
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,498 [mumbling]
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,541 Oh, the black guy!
00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:56,667 Huh?
00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,293 Third cubicle on the left.
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:01,755 Hey, aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Mcguire?
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,215 Uh yeah, sure, sure!
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,716 Wow, you really got fat!
00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:05,843 Hey!
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:07,261 Hello there children!
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:08,303 Hey Chef.
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:09,805 Eric, you've got glasses!
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,473 Chef, you have to dump the bitch.
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,516 Huh?
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,393 We need you Chef!
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,353 Hey Chef, we're all gonna run down to the office supply store
00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,480 and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,690 You bet!
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:21,900 Chef this place isn't you.
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,611 Children, Veronica has shown me that I've been living a very empty life.
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,905 Meaningless sex is fun for 20 or 30 years,
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,532 but after that, it starts to get old.
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,033 But we don't like her!
00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:31,118 Why not?
00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:32,536 I don't know. No reason, I guess.
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,538 Children, friends get girlfriends all the time.
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,790 It's something even you will have to face with each other someday.
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,709 No way, dude!
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:40,627 Please Chef, I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses!
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:43,088 That's easy, get some laser-corrective surgery.
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,590 That's what I did!
00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:46,508 Hey, laser-corrective surgery, thanks Chef!
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,552 You see, everything's gonna be fine.
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,679 How about I meet you boys after work and we can play ball?
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,889 [all] Okay!
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,974 Chef should be here any minute.
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,320 Dude, he bailed on us!
00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:07,571 I can't believe it!
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,573 C'mon, we're going to his house.
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,576 [knocking]
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:13,911 Oh! Hello there children.
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:16,246 Alright mister!
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,248 You'd better have a good explanation why you didn't show up to play ball!
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,709 Oh children, I'm sorry, I forgot.
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,753 You forgot?
00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:24,463 Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner.
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,548 She's so amazing!
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,217 Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef.
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,968 Hello, children!
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,471 Man, we're having a dude man to man here if you don't mind.
00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,264 Children, I've got some great news for you.
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,767 Veronica and I are getting married.
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,770 Oh no, no no no!
00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:41,647 My whole family's coming in for the wedding.
00:08:41,772 --> 00:08:43,232 I want you boys to come, too.
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,358 This is so wonderful!
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:45,859 Let's sing!
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:50,447 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:54,576 ♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:58,288 ♪ We have a chance to find the sunshine... ♪♪
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,545 And that, children, is what you need to know
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,296 about the facts of life.
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,548 So let's review...
00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,132 Tootie left in the 4th season,
00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,385 but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands,
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,929 leaving the 5th and 6th seasons hideously stagnant.
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,597 [bell ringing]
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,974 Okay, children, that's lunch, see you in 30 minutes.
00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,350 Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,060 Sure!
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:20,811 Normally we go to Chef with our problems,
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,104 but we can't this time!
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,523 Well, children, I am your teacher.I think you'll find
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:27,484 that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,654 Alright, Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,656 and then stopped being your friend and it pissed you off?
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,783 Oh, the old succubus syndrome.
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,743 What's a "succubus"?
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,162 A succubus is a woman sent from hell to suck the life out of a man!
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,789 That's it! - Yeaah!
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,708 There's not much you can do about a succubus.
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,459 Their evil power makes man blind to love.
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:45,919 This is totally what's happening!
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,379 Wow! You are smart, Mr. Garrison!
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,423 Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill.
00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,592 Poontang's expensive.
00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:53,719 That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw 'em and leave 'em.
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,847 I say, "get out of my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry."
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:57,681 Thanks Mr. Garrison.
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,057 Sure, kids!
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,352 You're not fooling anyone.
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,229 Shut your hole, Mr. Head!
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,273 C'mon guys, we gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus!
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,108 Yeah, he's gonna be so thankful we told him!
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,651 There you are, Eric!
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,403 C'mon we have to go to the eye doctor!
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,530 Oh, no!
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,991 C'mon, do you want your laser-corrective surgery or not?
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,492 Yes, but can't we wait 'til tomorrow?
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,328 Now, hon.
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,956 But Mom, I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubus.
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,209 [door bell]
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,545 Hello there, children.
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,630 Who are you?
00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:31,048 I'm Chef's father.
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:31,923 We just flew in for the wedding.
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:33,175 Oh, hi, is Chef here?
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,092 We have to talk to him!
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,218 Yeah, c'mon on in.
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:36,345 There he is!
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,180 Chef, we have to talk to you!
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,473 Ooh, not now children.
00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:41,266 I gotta get fitted for my britches.
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,601 Be right back!
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,360 Well, aren't you crackers just cute as a dickens.
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:52,653 You're Chef's parents?
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,071 Yes, all his life!
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,405 We have to talk to him!
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,199 Well, he should be out now directly.
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,701 Oh, he's so excited about the wedding!
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,080 Say, would you crackers love to hear about the time
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:04,706 we saw the Loch Ness monster?
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,166 No, that's okay.
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,585 Ooh, it must've been about 7, 8 years ago.
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:12,172 Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night.
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:14,007 When all of a sudden a huge creature--
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,885 this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic era
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,595 comes out from the water!
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,889 We were so scared, Lord, I jumped up in the boat and said,
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,141 Thomas, what on earth is that creature?
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,685 It's stood above us, looking down,
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,019 with these big red eyes--
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,021 Ooh, it's so scary!
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,023 And I yelled, I said, "what do you want from us, monster?"
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:32,609 And the monster bent down and said,
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:36,446 "I need about <i>three-fitty."</i>
00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:37,656 What's <i>three-fitty</i>?
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,074 Three dollars and fifty cents.
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:39,866 Three-fitty.
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:40,909 He wanted money?
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,911 That's right! I said,
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,163 "I ain't giving you no three-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness monster!"
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,873 "get your own goddamn money!"
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,083 I gave him a dollar!
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,543 She gave him a dollar!
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,211 I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar!
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,839 Well, of course he's not gonna go away now.
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,508 You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,595 Okay, lets get started...
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:02,681 You're here for the liposuction, right?
00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:03,640 [giggle]
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,850 Oh, you son of a bitch!
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,018 Alright, time to laser me a little piggy!
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,311 Ha ha ha!
00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,063 Hey! You son of a bitch.
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,690 I'm gonna kick you square in the--
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:12,691 [gas hissing]
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735 Ehh...ehh...ahh.
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,446 I bet his mom wishes she could do that!
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:22,451 And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster!
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,994 Then one time, I believe it was July--
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:25,203 August.
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,872 August- there's a knock on the door,
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,999 I opened it, and there's this cute little girl scout.
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,418 Oh she's so adorable with little pig tails 'n all.
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:33,044 And she said to me,
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,296 "how would you like to buy some cookies?"
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,506 And I said, "well, what kind do you have?"
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,508 She had "Thin Mints" "Graham Crunchy Thins"--
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:39,801 "Raisin Oatmeal"
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,511 "Raisin Oatmeal"...
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,054 And I said, "we'll take a graham crunch."
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,306 "How much will that be?"
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,016 And she looks at me and she says,
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,642 "I need about three-fitty!"
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,352 [mother] Three-fitty.
00:12:49,478 --> 00:12:52,481 Well, it's about that time that I noticed
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,317 this girl scout was about 8 stories tall,
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,944 and was a crustacean from the planet <i>Ogere.</i>
00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,237 The Loch Ness monster!
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:01,656 I said, "damnit monster, get off my lawn!
00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:03,283 I ain't giving you no three-fitty!"
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,285 She said, "how about just two-fitty!"
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:07,788 I said, "oh now it's only two-fitty!"
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,207 "what is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?"
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,458 Lord, he was angry!
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:12,834 Damn right I was angry!
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,085 Not you, the monster!
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,378 He was about to kick your ass!
00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:16,713 Shut your mouth, woman!
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,673 Uh, can you just tell Chef we were here!
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:19,633 Sure!
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:20,801 That crazy old monster.
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,469 And then, the fourth time...
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,391 Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,435 That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery.
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,062 I have to wear these bandages for 3 days.
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:33,396 Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman!
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,065 Oh thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw!
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,191 What happened to Chef?
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,442 Did you tell him she's a succubus!
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,152 Oh, we couldn't even talk to him.
00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,654 She's so evil she has him totally kept away from us.
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:41,988 Eric, you have a little visitor.
00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,031 Is that all right?
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,283 Okay.
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,161 Hello, boys.
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,247 I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,456 Aaaggh, it's the succubus!
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,582 Huh?
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:53,750 We know what you are lady!
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,751 Yeah!
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,752 You're a bloodthirsty succubus!
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,504 A what?
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,256 A demon from hell sent to suck life out of men!
00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,467 Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,428 Well, you are taking Chef from us!
00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:08,640 Boys, come here, I want to explain this to you.
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:12,394 I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man.
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,438 He has needs you boys can't fulfill.
00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:17,941 He wants a life with me because I make him happy.
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,776 Do you understand?
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:20,902 I guess.
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,487 Good!
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:25,824 Oh, and boys, just one more thing...
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,993 I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow,
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,871 [demonic voice] and there's not a Goddamn thing you can do about it!
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:31,872 Ha ha ha!
00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,498 Aaaarrgghh!
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,292 Toodle-loo!
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:37,335 Jesus, dude!
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,336 What? What happened?
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,136 Could I have your attention, please!
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:50,223 Tomorrow my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,017 I'm very happy for them both.
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,394 I told myself I wasn't gonna cry now.
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:55,645 It's okay Pap!
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,606 Now you're gonna get me going, hah!
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,067 I remember when Chef was just a 3-year-old little man.
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,194 He came running up to me with a big smile
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,529 and his little Chef's hat on,
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,406 and he said, "Papa, Papa!"
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,867 I said, "what do you need Chef, my boy?"
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,660 And he said, "I need about three-fitty!"
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,746 Three-fitty.
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:16,583 Well it was about that time I got suspicious, I said, "Chef,
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,293 why do you need three-fitty?"
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:22,005 He said, "my imaginary friend, Goo-Goo the Dinosaur wants it!"
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:25,425 I went to my son's room and sure enough, there was
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,551 the Loch Ness monster!
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:27,928 Aw, it was scary!
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,638 I said, "damn it, monster!"
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,473 "you stop bugging my children now!
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,516 "we work for our money in this house!
00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,185 We don't give money away!"
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,728 Excuse me...
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,271 We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news.
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,231 This is not a woman!
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:41,191 It is a succubus!
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,108 What?
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:43,860 Yeah!
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,195 She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him!
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529 Children!
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,781 That hurts my feelings!
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,824 Oh, you can pretend all you want!
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,201 You're not fooling anybody!
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,160 Alright, guys!
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,453 That's enough!
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,163 I have had it with you!
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,706 This is the happiest time of my life,
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,249 and you can't be happy for me!
00:15:58,375 --> 00:15:59,292 Chef, but--
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,752 No "buts", Stan!
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,504 I love this woman and I am marrying her...
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:06,466 Now you can either accept that or get out of my life!
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,135 Now if you'll excuse us, we're having a party!
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,763 ...So I chased the monster down the street, you see!
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,390 I guess there's nothing we can do.
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:14,474 Chef likes her more than us!
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:15,642 No!
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:16,810 I'm not willing to give up!
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,436 Chef wouldn't give up on us!
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,854 Oh, man!
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,398 There's tons of stuff on succubuses,
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,233 but there's nothing on how to stop them!
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,110 You guys, it's 6 in the morning, I have to get some sleep!
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,112 Dude, Chef's wedding is in 3 hours.
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,405 We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a succubus!
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:29,364 You know what?
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,699 Screw Chef. There- I said it! Screw him!
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:32,283 Let him marry Succubus!
00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:34,202 I wanna go to sleep!
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,037 Here, here! Look at this!
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,498 It says, "the succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody,
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,500 "this is the succubi power,
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,085 "only playing this melody backwards
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,712 can vanquish the succubus' power!"
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,338 What the hell does that mean?
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:46,047 I don't know.
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:50,135 [mumbling]
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:53,596 Right...
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:58,184 [mumbling]
00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,728 Yeah...
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,229 Ohhh...
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,647 Hey yeah, what's that song she always sings?
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,983 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,736 ♪ If we can hold on to the night ♪
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,196 ♪ We've got to find our way together ♪
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,573 That's it!
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:12,699 We gotta learn that song backwards!
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,284 In 3 hours!
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,582 Oh, man, I can't keep my eyes open!
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,584 We can't fall asleep, we gotta nail that song!
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,127 You've got the tape recorder, Cartman?
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,420 Cartman!
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,755 He's asleep, wake up, fat ass!
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,089 What what what?
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,716 Goddamn it, you can't fall asleep!
00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:31,217 I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,720 And then these aliens had me up in the ship, right
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:34,763 they was probing me and all that...
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:36,181 We had taco salad that night!
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,558 Don't matter what we had for dinner, woman!
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,894 Now these aliens had a big head and big black eyes
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,645 and it was all bent over me.
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,272 I said, "what do you want from me, alien?"
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,648 And you know what he said?
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:46,900 Three-fitty.
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:48,610 Let me tell the damn story now!
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,111 He said, "three-fitty"!
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,155 And so I realized it was no alien...
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,949 It was that Goddamn Loch Ness monster again,
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,743 trying to trick me into giving him three-fitty
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:57,952 by dressing up like an alien!
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,412 Don't that beat all!
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,206 I just given him three-fitty the week before!
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:02,916 What?
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,292 You gave that monster another damn three-fitty!
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,252 He tricked me!
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,630 Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house.
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:09,923 You keep giving him the three-fitty!
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,176 [Stan] There she is!
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:22,268 Bitch!
00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:23,144 Bitch!
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,938 Dirty bitch!
00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:26,231 Alright, Kenny and I are gonna take position up-front.
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:28,274 Okay!
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:30,276 Do you Chef take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,236 To have and to--
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,445 I do!
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,155 Oh, my baby's getting married!
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,533 And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:38,034 I do.
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,411 And now a special sharing of vows through song.
00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,122 Here it goes...
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,625 ♪ There's got to be a morning after ♪
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,043 Now, Cartman!
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:47,961 [gasp]
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,797 Now, Cartman!
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,177 Children, you're screwing up my wedding!
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,762 I'll take care of them!
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,140 Cartman, wake up, you fat piece of crap!
00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,015 Oww!
00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:07,272 ♪ Light... the for looking on keep let's sunshine ♪
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,273 Aaaarrghh!
00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:09,440 ♪ The find to chance ♪
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,401 No-oooo!
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,194 What the...?
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,404 [music stops]
00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,989 Oh no, the tape jammed!
00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:17,699 [growling]
00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:24,247 What the...?
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,207 She's a Goddamn succubus!
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,209 Succubus is trying to take my baby!
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:31,254 [growling]
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:33,464 [all] Arrrgh!
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,757 C'mon, Cartman!
00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:36,009 I can't see anything!
00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:37,343 [growl]
00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,720 Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,054 You bastard!
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,724 You damn monster get away from my baby!
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,059 Hold on, I'll see if I have three-fitty!
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,604 Got it!
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,690 ♪ The through on hold can we if after ♪
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,026 ♪ Morning a be to got there's ♪
00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:54,986 [growling]
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,906 ♪ Warm... and safe that's-♪♪
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:06,789 Oh wow, you don't see <i>that</i> everyday!
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,959 We're sorry, Chef, we had to do it.
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:12,962 No, I'm glad you did, children...
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,006 Now that she's gone,
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,467 I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her!
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,010 Poontang's poontang.
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,970 C'mon, children, let's go get some ice cream.
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,305 Hurray!
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:25,391 Wait, what happened, you guys?
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,226 Is Kenny okay?
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,230 Hello there, children!
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,814 Hey, Chef!
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,900 How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?
00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:35,318 We'd love them!
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,861 It's great to have you back, Chef!
00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,279 Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week!
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,406 ♪ Sometimes you fall in love ♪
00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:42,492 ♪ And you think you'll feel that way forever ♪
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,535 ♪ You change your life, and ignore your friends ♪
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,579 ♪ 'cause you think it can't get any better ♪
00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,915 ♪ But then love goes away ♪
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,125 ♪ No matter what, it doesn't stay as strong ♪
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:53,294 ♪ And then you're left with nothing ♪
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,296 ♪ 'cause you're thinking with your dong ♪
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,757 ♪ So watch out for that lover ♪
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,884 ♪ It can destroy like a typhoon wind ♪
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,178 ♪ Just play it cool and don't be a fool ♪
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,348 And never let poontang come between you and your friends!
00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,642 Damn right, Garrison!
00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:13,106 Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?
00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,607 After today they're going to be fine
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,693 and I'll never have to see you ever again!
00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:19,070 I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes!
00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:20,822 No, not with my eyes!
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,073 With these!
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:23,283 Ha ha ha!
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,742 Was he an organ donor?
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,244 Sure!
00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:27,287 Alright, then let's get to work!
00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:31,457 Say, you don't have $3.50 on you, do you?
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:35,461 ♪ Light... ♪
00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:39,424 ♪ The for looking on keep let's sunshine... ♪
00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:43,303 ♪ The find to chance a have we night... ♪
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:46,973 ♪ The through on hold can we if after ♪
00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:49,976 ♪ Morning a be to got there's ♪
00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,770 ♪ Warm... ♪
00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:54,772 ♪ And safe that's place a find and ♪
00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:58,943 ♪ Toge...ther bridge the cross we don't why storm ♪♪
00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:02,280 Captioning made possible by Comedy Central

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