Шефская помощь

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

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♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

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♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

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♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky britches ♪

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♪ Stinky stinky britches

you got stinky-- ♪

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What the hell

are you singing, Cartman?

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This new song

by Alanis Morissette.

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I can't get it

out of my head.

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♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky britches ♪

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Hello, children,

ready for lunch?

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- ♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky stinky ♪

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Eric, is there a problem?

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Yeah, I can't get this stupid

song out of my head!

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"Stinky Britches"

by Alanis Morissette?

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Yeah!

♪ Stinky stinky britches ♪

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Children, did you say hi

to Mr. Twig?

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"Hi boys,

how are you?"

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When is Mr. Hat

coming back?

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I told you never to say

his name in my presence.

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But we hate Mr. Twig.

Mr. Twig sucks.

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Yeah.

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♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky-- ♪

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It just so happens

that Mr. Twig

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is far more stable

than Mr. Hat could ever be,

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so he's the better puppet.

Now--

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He'd be better used

as a coat rack.

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How dare you!

C'mon, Mr. Twig.

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Hello there, children!

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Hey, Chef.

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♪ You got stinky britches ♪

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What did you say?

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He's singing some

new hit song.

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Eric, where did

you hear that song?

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It's all over the place,

on the radio,

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MTV, everywhere.

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Well, I'll be sodomized

on Christmas.

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What, dude?

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Children, I wrote that song

20 years ago.

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You wrote it?

- Yeah.

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Back when I used to be

in the rock business.

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And now it looks like some big

record company

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has published one of my songs.

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Wow, then you should

get money for it.

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Oh, I don't want any money.

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I'd just like to see my name

on the credits, that's all.

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Then we should go to

the record company.

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My dad's a lawyer, dude,

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he tells me about this stuff

all the time.

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Well, all right,

then I will go.

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I'll play them my version

of the song.

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♪ Stinky britches

you got those stinky britches ♪

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So you see,

Mr. Big Record Producer,

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"Stinky Britches" was something

I wrote several years ago.

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Hmm, I really see no

resemblance between that song

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and "Stinky Britches" by

our artist, Alanis Morissette.

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Huh?

- It's the same goddamn song!

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Now, look, I'm trying to be

cool about this.

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But you can't just rip

people's music off.

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It's against the law.

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I'm above the law!

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Mr. Chef, I'm afraid you

leave me no alternative.

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We're going to sue you.

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Sue me?

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You stole one of my songs,

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and you're gonna sue me?

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Yes, I suggest you get

a real good lawyer.

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We'll have the best

in the business.

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We'll get my dad

to be Chef's lawyer!

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Yeah, and he's Jewish!

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- ♪ Stinky stinky britches ♪

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♪ Stinky britches ♪

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Mr. Twig, is that you?

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Mr. Twig?

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Aah!

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Mr. Twig, no!

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Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?

Who?

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Now, just let me do

all the talking, Chef.

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We're gonna bring

these bastards down.

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Right.

- This court is now in session.

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Who is representing

the defense?

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I am, your honor,

Gerald Broflovski.

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And representing

the prosecution?

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I am, your honor.

Johnnie Cochran.

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Uh-oh.

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Why "uh-oh"?

- Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran.

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He's the guy who got O.J. Off.

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Uh-oh.

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I need some help

over here!

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Please help, I think he's got

third degree burns!

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Give the child to me.

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Is he going

to be all right, Doctor?

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Uh...

- Is he going to live?

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It's a stick.

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Damn it, don't give me

that medical jargon.

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Just tell me straight,

is he gonna be okay?

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And so on this 15th day

of what is considered

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to be the most important

trial of the...day,

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Johnnie Cochran has appeared

to defend Capitalist Records.

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The question now is,

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will Cochran use his

famous Chewbacca defense?

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What's a Chewbacca defense?

- I don't know.

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That's what Cochran used

in the O.J. Simpson trial.

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Goddamn,

I hate that Cochran guy!

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If he was here in front of me,

I'd be like...

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hey!

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You stupid son of a bitch!

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I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!

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I'm sure that would scare

the hell out of him, Cartman.

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And so, in summation, ladies

and gentlemen of the jury,

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you've heard the version

of my client's song

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recorded over 20 years ago.

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You've heard

the exact same song

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produced by these cheats

in the past month.

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I'd say it's pretty much

an open and shut case.

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Make the right decision.

Thank you.

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We've got them.

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Mr. Johnnie Cochran,

your closing arguments?

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Ladies and gentlemen

of the supposed jury.

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Chef's attorney would certainly

want you to believe

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that his client wrote

"Stinky Britches"

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ten years ago,

and they make a good case.

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Hell,

I almost felt pity myself.

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But ladies and gentlemen

of this supposed jury,

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I have one final thing

I want you to consider.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

this is Chewbacca.

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Chewbacca is a Wookie

from the planet Kashyyk.

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But Chewbacca lives on

the planet Endor.

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Now think about that.

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That does not make sense.

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Damn it.

- What?

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He's using

the Chewbacca defense.

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Why would a Wookie--

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an eight-foot-tall Wookie--

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want to live on Endor with

a bunch of two-foot-tall Ewoks?

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That does not make sense.

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But more importantly,

you have to ask yourself,

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what does this have to do

with this case?

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Nothing.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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it has nothing to do

with this case.

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It does not make sense.

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Look at me, I'm a lawyer

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defending a major

record company

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and I'm talking

about Chewbacca.

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Does that make sense?

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Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm not making any sense.

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None of this makes sense!

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And so you have to remember,

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when you're in that jury room

deliberating

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and conjugating the

Emancipation Proclamation...

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does it make sense?

No.

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Ladies and gentlemen

of this supposed jury,

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it does not make sense.

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If Chewbacca lives on Endor,

you must acquit.

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The defense rests.

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Okay, then.

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Wow, he's good.

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In a teary-eyed courtroom,

Johnnie Cochran has just

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finished

his closing arguments,

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and as was anticipated, he did

use the Chewbacca defense.

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Whether or not it worked

is up to the jury to decide.

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How find you the jury?

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We find the defendant

Jerome "Chef" McElroy...

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guilty as charged.

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Whoops.

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Whoops?

- Mr. Chef,

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you've been found guilty of

harassing a major record label.

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The full fee of $2 million

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will be handed

over within 24 hours.

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Do I look like

I have $2 million?

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Well, you have 24 hours

to find it,

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or else you'll have to

go to jail...

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for 8 million years.

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It's actually for four years.

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Oh, sorry, you'll go

to jail for four years.

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This can't be happening!

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Oh, no, dude.

Chef's gonna go to jail.

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And that chair, too.

I want that chair.

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Hey,

that's my favorite chair!

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You heard the judge.

Since you lost the case,

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I can seize whatever I want

to pay my legal fees.

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Yeah, take that

water cooler, too.

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Hello there, Chef.

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Hey, children.

- What's going on?

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Children, that record company

guy's taking all my belongings.

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And if I don't come up

with $2 million,

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I'm going to jail.

- Well, don't worry.

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We came over

to cheer you up.

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Yeah, ready, Cartman?

- Ready!

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♪ I will do the German dance

for you♪

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♪ It's fun and gay

and tra la la ♪

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♪ I hope you will enjoy

my dance ♪

00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,432

♪ Hilia hilia hey ♪

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♪ Would you like

some sauerkraut? ♪

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♪ German boys

German boys ♪

00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,186

♪ Yes I'd like

some sauerkraut ♪

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Okay, okay, children,

thank you very much.

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I feel much better.

- You do?

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Sure, just please stop.

- See?

00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:22,734

I told you guys it would work.

- What's that, dude?

00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,319

This?

This is my photo album

00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,488

of all my times

in the rock business.

00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,781

- Did you ever know

any famous people?

00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,741

Did I?

Janis Joplin.

00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,618

The Beatles.

Elton John.

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Got to travel

all around the world.

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Hanging out with bands,

going to lavish parties,

00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:38,333

loving many, many women.

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What's that?

- Nothing, anyway...

00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,295

- Take this too.

- Hey!

00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:42,796

That has no monetary value.

00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,298

What the hell are you

taking that for?

00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,133

I can take whatever I want.

00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,843

But I have 24 hours

to come up with your money.

00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,555

That's the law.

- I'm above the law!

00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,265

I told you not

to mess with me.

00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,225

That does it.

You know what I'm gonna do?

00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,727

I'm gonna raise

that $2 million,

00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:59,021

but I'm not gonna use it

to pay you back.

00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:02,024

I'm going to use it to hire

Johnnie Cochran myself

00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,400

and sue you!

00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:04,902

You wouldn't.

00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:06,236

Watch me.

00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,572

Now get the fudge

out of my house!

00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,826

I brought you

some more juice, Mr. Twig.

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,661

Are you feeling any better?

00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,830

I don't know who would

want to hurt you like this,

00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:20,125

but I promise, nobody will ever

hurt you again, ever.

00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,419

Mr. Twig?

Are you okay?

00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,171

Mr. Twig?

00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:25,631

Aah!

00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,966

Mr. Twig is broken in half!

00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,676

Who did this?

00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,387

You won't get away with this,

you bastards!

00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,723

Okay, thank you,

Mr. Cochran.

00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,391

Well, Johnnie Cochran

will take my case

00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:39,186

if I can pay his legal fee--

$2 million.

00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:40,854

Hey, why don't you ask

all those famous people

00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,314

you used to know for money?

They're rich.

00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,524

Oh,

they wouldn't remember me.

00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,359

All I did was cook for them.

00:08:45,484 --> 00:08:47,027

You can raise $2 million,

dude--we'll help you.

00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:48,862

I appreciate that, children,

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,073

but raising $2 million

is not an easy thing to do.

00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:55,118

My only hope is to whore myself

to every woman in town.

00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,704

Wish me luck, children.

00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,082

We gotta help him, dude.

- Yeah, but how?

00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,626

Come on, maybe those

rock stars will remember Chef.

00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,211

Let's go pay them a visit.

00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,259

Whoa, dude,

this house is huge.

00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:11,760

Yeah, it's bigger than

Cartman's ass.

00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,345

No, it isn't, you guys.

00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,180

Can I help you?

00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:16,974

We've come to raise money

for our friend, Chef.

00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:20,185

Would you like a mint crunchy

or a snacky cake?

00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,396

Are you Elton John?

- No, I'm one of his butlers.

00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,147

Ugh, then what the hell

are we talking to you for?

00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:25,440

Come on, guys.

00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:26,984

Hi.

Are you Elton John?

00:09:27,109 --> 00:09:28,819

Sir Elton John.

I was knighted, you know.

00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:30,612

We're trying to raise money

for our school chef.

00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:34,241

We have chocolate nuggets

and smoke crunchy...

00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,993

I'm sorry,

but I'm not a candy bar fan.

00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,452

What?

- Could you just buy

00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:38,829

a couple anyway?

Our friend Chef is--

00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:40,372

Chef?

You mean Chef, Chef?

00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,040

Yeah, dude.

- Whoa, you remember him?

00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,959

Of course.

I haven't seen him in so long.

00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,419

I remember when

I first met him.

00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:47,796

It was about 25 years ago.

00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,339

I was just

a struggling musician

00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,966

who couldn't get a break.

00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,051

♪ Oh-oh you're my

cheddar cheese girl ♪

00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:56,179

♪ You're soft but firm

and you go well with wine ♪

00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,724

♪ Oh-oh

cheddar cheese girl ♪

00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:00,892

♪ Cheddar

cheddar cheese girl ♪

00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:04,646

Hey, Elton,

don't feel so down, baby.

00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:05,981

Have some of my

Scottish haggis.

00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:06,982

It'll cheer you up.

00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,609

Thanks, Chef.

00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,193

I don't understand

what my music is missing.

00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:11,987

Look, Elton,

you are a great singer,

00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,157

but a retarded monkey

could write better lyrics.

00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,533

I really thought

I had it this time

00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:17,618

with "Cheddar Cheese Girl."

00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,077

- What you need is a guy

00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,537

to write really good lyrics

for you.

00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,122

I know a guy

named Bernie Taupin

00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,832

who's working at Moth Burger

right now.

00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,792

I'll give him a call.

- That's a great idea.

00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,961

And Elton, why don't you get

yourself some new threads?

00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,839

You know,

some slick glasses and shit.

00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,341

And so I got Bernie

to write my lyrics.

00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,009

And if it wasn't for Chef,

00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,927

I would never

have had a career in music.

00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,679

So will you buy some of

our candy bars to help him out?

00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,848

Yes, of course.

I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.

00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,516

Three Crispy Yums Yums.

00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,226

Hey, Elton,

if I give you these lyrics,

00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:45,270

will you write a song

for my girlfriend, Wendy?

00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,148

Sure, kid, but I would retain

exclusive worldwide rights,

00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,858

including but not limited

to Asian territories

00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,610

with a 20% commission

on all domestic sales

00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:53,320

and sole ownership

of any of all publishing.

00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,905

Okay...

00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:56,823

Tell Chef I say hi.

- Thanks, dude.

00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,909

Dude, we'll have Chef's

$2 million in no time.

00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:01,787

I thank you, Chef.

00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,372

No problem, Ms. Broflovski.

00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:05,415

Uh...now,

about that hundred bucks?

00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:07,084

Of course,

here you go.

00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,127

Leaving so soon?

00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,838

I got a long way to go to

raise the kind of money I need.

00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,590

Well,

best of luck to you then.

00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,175

How was it, honey?

00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,094

Pretty much what I expected.

00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,513

Hello.

Are you Meatloaf?

00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:21,014

Yeah.

What the hell do you want?

00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,808

Mr. Loaf,

we are selling candy bars

00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,601

for our dying friend.

- He's not dying, Cartman.

00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,103

Shut your Goddamn mouth.

00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:28,146

We have nougat crunchies,

berry bars--

00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:29,815

What's this for?

- Our friend Chef.

00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,858

Chef's in trouble?

- Yeah, do you know him?

00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:32,859

Do I?

00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,988

Nobody came again.

00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:39,074

There, there, Cous-Cous,

it'll be all right.

00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,867

Maybe you just need

to change your image.

00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,244

What do you mean?

- Nobody wants to see a guy

00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,745

named Cous-Cous.

00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,539

You need a big,

strong beefy name.

00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:47,791

Beefy, like a...

00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,751

Tri-Tip!

- That's not bad.

00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,378

Here, have some meatloaf.

00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,130

I owe everything to Chef.

00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,257

Wow, so you'll help him?

- You bet.

00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,800

Give me a box

of Nilla Yums Yums

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,135

and a couple of berry bars.

00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,845

Cool!

- Yeah!

00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,388

All right, let's get

this show on the road!

00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,973

Come here, baby!

00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,599

Uh, hold on a second,

Ms. Crabtree.

00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,560

How would you like to use

some sex toys?

00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:08,103

Sex toys?

Like what?

00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,604

Like this

very special device.

00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,356

I call it

"Chef's pleasure bag."

00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,941

How does it work?

- All you do

00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,484

is put this paper bag

over your head,

00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,403

and it increases

your sexual pleasure.

00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:19,114

Really? Well, hell,

let's give it a shot.

00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,116

Ah, yeah.

That's much better.

00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,034

Sure,

I'll do anything for Chef.

00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,745

Give me a box

of those Choco-nomos.

00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,538

Gosh, thanks, Rick James.

- Yeah, thanks.

00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,206

That's $35.

Come on, you guys.

00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,958

We gotta hurry

and get this money to Chef.

00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:34,546

Oh, that was wonderful, Chef.

Good show.

00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,632

Oh, I can't keep doing this.

It's killing me.

00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,801

Ah, come on,

buck up, little fella.

00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,595

I'm serious.

I'm not gonna make it.

00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,263

Sure you are, Chef.

00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,432

I'll give you a hundred more

for another rump.

00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,019

Ah, hell.

00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:50,896

- Thanks for coming,

Officer Barbrady.

00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,523

What's this all about?

- These pictures just arrived.

00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,233

I set up a camera

00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,402

and caught Mr. Twig's assailant

red-handed.

00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,945

Now go arrest him.

00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,617

What?

- Can I go now?

00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:06,453

Yes, yes, I'm sorry.

00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:07,454

Weirdo.

00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,080

It can't be.

00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,457

This can't be right.

00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,671

Mr. Hat!

00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,261

Wait, what are you doing?

00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:25,138

It's over, children.

00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:26,765

I couldn't raise the $2 million

to hire Johnnie Cochran.

00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:28,892

Now I have to go to jail.

- No, you don't.

00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,393

Huh?

- We went to a bunch

00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:31,645

of rock stars

and sold them candy bars

00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,271

to raise the money you needed.

00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,232

Did what?

Wow, how much did you make?

00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:36,900

Cartman?

- Well, you can see here

00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,694

that we raised

approximately $95.

00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,780

Falling well short

of our $2 million goal,

00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:43,990

illustrated here.

- Oh.

00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,992

- But we can put our money

together

00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,869

with the money you made whoring

yourself to all the women.

00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,789

How much did you make?

- I made about $410,300 but--

00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,291

That doesn't matter because

that money belongs to me.

00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,960

You can't take Chef's money.

That's illegal.

00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:57,587

- I'm above the law!

00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,089

All right, you,

it's time to go.

00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:00,173

Good-bye, children.

00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,424

Thanks for all your help.

00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,218

Let's go.

- Ow!

00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,845

What the hell

did you do that for?

00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:06,263

I don't tell you

how to do your job,

00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,014

don't tell me

how to do mine.

00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,016

Ow!

Ow!

00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,601

- Dude, Chef is gone.

00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,103

No more Chef.

00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,606

No more Salisbury steak

and pecan pie...

00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,192

We can't let him down,

you guys.

00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,694

Dude, it's over, he's gone.

00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,445

No.

Chef wouldn't give up on us.

00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:23,989

How many times has Chef

gotten us out of trouble?

00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:25,866

Four.

- But what are we gonna do?

00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:27,158

It's easy, dude.

00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:28,618

Chef Aid.

- Chef Aid?

00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,120

- Yeah, we set up a stage

00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:31,663

and have Cartman

do the German dance.

00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,206

Then we charge people

for tickets.

00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,166

Hey, that's a great idea.

- Yeah.

00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,380

Did you think

I would just take you back?

00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:42,007

Like you can walk out

00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,175

and then come back

like nothing happened?

00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,177

Oh, don't look at me

like that, Mr. Hat.

00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:47,762

Remember,

you're the one that left.

00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,639

And I'm not gonna

take you back.

00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:50,974

You can just go to hell.

00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,476

You go to hell and you die.

00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:56,146

You're a lying ball of turd,

Mr. Hat!

00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,983

I hope you starve,

you lousy son of a bitch!

00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,401

What are you all

looking at?

00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,111

This is between me

and Mr. Hat.

00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,988

It's over, Mr. Garrison.

00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,490

This is it, we've had enough.

- What do you mean?

00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,285

- I'm afraid it's the big house

for you, fruitcake.

00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,953

What?

Jail?

00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,248

♪ I will do the German dance

for you ♪

00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,000

♪ It's fun and gay

and tra la la ♪

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,543

♪ Hope you will

enjoy my dance ♪

00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,086

♪ Hilia hilia hey ♪

00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,671

Hmm, this isn't going over

so well.

00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:22,756

Cartman just needs to

put more into it.

00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,466

Dance better, Cartman!

00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,800

♪ Would you like

some sauerkraut? ♪

00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:26,968

♪ German boys German boys ♪

00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:30,764

Howdy ho, boys.

00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,599

Elton John,

what are you doing here?

00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,184

It occurred to me that you

might need some more help

00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:35,644

raising money for Chef.

- Boy, do we.

00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,228

So I called a few friends,

00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,356

and we all decided

to come over.

00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,774

Wow, cool!

- I see you've got a stage

00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,192

all set up for us.

00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:43,401

Yeah, dude,

it's all yours.

00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,945

Then let's rock and roll!

00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:48,073

Or something similar.

- Hooray!

00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:49,658

- And Mr. Twig is at home.

00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,826

He has no idea

Mr. Hat is even back.

00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,453

I mean, I care a lot

about Mr. Twig,

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,413

but Mr. Hat and I

have so much history.

00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,290

- You finally snapped,

huh, Garrison?

00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,167

What?

- Don't you get it, Garrison?

00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,295

It's all you.

You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig.

00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:05,382

You've got split personality

schizophrenic jeebeez.

00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:07,884

I warn you, Chef.

Don't even think of

00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,053

taking advantage of me

in this prison cell.

00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,680

What?

- Okay, thanks for coming

00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,056

to Chef Aid, everybody!

00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,350

Are you ready

to rock and roll?

00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,186

Whoo!

00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,607

All right, let's get things

going with...Rancid!

00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,150

Whoo, sweet!

00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:26,820

♪ California sun

has sunk ♪

00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:29,656

♪ Behind Anaheim Hills

I come tonight ♪

00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:32,242

♪ I was high on junk ♪

00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,288

You still aren't

entertaining any ideas

00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:39,416

of raping me here in this

prison cell, are you, Chef?

00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:40,959

No, Garrison,

shut the hell up.

00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,460

That's good.

00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,796

What the--

- Oh, boy, we're free!

00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,340

Wow.

What a daring rescue.

00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,300

Mr. Hat!

00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:52,095

Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!

00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,930

Come on,

let's get in the truck.

00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,640

I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.

00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:58,268

How the hell did he reach

the gas pedal?

00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,479

♪ Mmm ♪

00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,273

Rick James,

ladies and gentlemen!

00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:05,108

God bless you, Chef.

00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,527

And now here's your

favorite band, Primus, whoo!

00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,947

We're damn proud to be here

to support our good buddy Chef.

00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,158

It was Chef who told us

in the early days

00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:15,326

to keep trying and to keep

pursuing our dreams,

00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:17,328

no matter how much we sucked.

00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:18,580

I love that man.

00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,208

Ooh!

00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,252

What are you bastards doing?

00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,879

We're raising money so that

Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran

00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,422

to sue you.

- Yeah, now get out of here

00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,757

before I kick you in the nuts!

00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,091

Oh, yeah?

00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,593

We'll just see about this!

00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,928

Now, here's Joe Strummer!

Whoo-hoo!

00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,139

You know, when The Clash went

on tour and we lost our beat,

00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,266

Chef would be, like, on

the side of the stage, going,

00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,352

"Don't forget,

pump your loins, children!"

00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:44,481

You know, that was like,

his motto or something.

00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:47,692

Whoo!

- ♪ But it's a rocking world ♪

00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,861

♪ Make no mistake about it ♪

00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,572

♪ It's a shocking world could

be what's so great about it ♪

00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:53,782

♪ It's a rocking world ♪

00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,200

What the hell is this?

00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,578

Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!

00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,330

Wow, how'd you get

out of jail, Chef?

00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:03,374

Mr. Hat busted me out.

Children, did you do this?

00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:04,876

Well, we helped.

00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:05,960

We're gonna raise

your money, Chef.

00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,962

I don't believe it.

00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:11,091

We'll just see how long

this Chef Aid thing lasts.

00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:16,513

And now, here he is,

TV's Ozzy Osbourne!

00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,890

We're all here to help

our good friend Chef,

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,892

who has touched our lives

in the past.

00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,186

I remember when

I was just starting out,

00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,730

Chef suggested

I buy a pompadour hat.

00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:28,358

I thought he said,

"Bite the head of a bat."

00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:32,153

So I did, and the rest,

oh, is just history.

00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,697

Now, let's go crazy!

00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,700

♪ Ain't nowhere to run ♪

00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:38,785

'Cause I be running this.

00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,412

♪ Ain't nowhere to hide ♪

00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:42,497

Come on!

00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,040

Aah!

00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,875

Gah!

00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,794

Oh, my God, Ozzy Osbourne

bit Kenny's head off!

00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,170

You bastard!

00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,381

And now here's Ween!

00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,258

We're thrilled to be

a part of Chef Aid.

00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,593

Chef was the guy who told us

to do a country album.

00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:57,011

No, dude,

that was Steve's idea.

00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,763

Oh, then who's Chef?

00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,265

I don't know, dude,

I thought you knew him.

00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,308

Oh, well.

Anyways, here's our song.

00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:06,062

♪ Many colors

in the homo rainbow ♪

00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:11,401

♪ Don't be afraid

to let your colors shine ♪

00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,069

Don't worry, Mr. Twig,

00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,863

even though Mr. Hat rescued me

from prison,

00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,823

I'm still gonna stick with you.

00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:18,324

Do you love him?

00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:20,702

It doesn't matter.

He left me.

00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,287

Do you love him?

00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,788

Yes.

00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,623

Then run to him.

00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,959

But I feel like I'd be making

the wrong decision.

00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,129

Love isn't a decision,

it's a feeling.

00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:33,131

If we could decide

who we loved,

00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:37,302

it would be much simpler,

but much less magical.

00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:41,806

I'll never forget you,

Mr. Twig. Thank you.

00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:44,976

And now, ladies

and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,519

Whoo!

00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:48,938

- Thank you all

for coming to help Chef.

00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:52,859

This is a song written by

a very special little boy.

00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,403

I have no idea what his name

is, but who the hell cares?

00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,198

Anyway,

he wrote it for his girlfriend.

00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:02,619

♪ Wake up Wendy

smell the coffee ♪

00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,245

Dude, that's your song

for Wendy.

00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,955

You're a wuss!

00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,383

I win, you lose.

00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:18,927

Chef Aid is over,

00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,261

and you didn't raise

near enough money

00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,804

to pay Cochran's legal fees.

00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,806

I win.

00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,060

And what happened then?

00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:29,354

Well, in South Park, they say

00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:33,566

Johnnie Cochran's heart

grew three sizes that day.

00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,276

Wait.

00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,862

Mr. Chef, this music

has really touched me.

00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:40,323

I'd like to take up

your case free of charge.

00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,992

You will?

- I will.

00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,412

No!

- We'll see you in court,

00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:47,872

Mr. Record Producer.

00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:48,998

No!

00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,421

Ladies and gentlemen

of the supposed jury,

00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,131

you must now decide

whether or not

00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,384

to reverse the decision

for my client, Chef.

00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:01,970

I know he seems guilty,

but ladies and gentlemen,

00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,472

this is Chewbacca.

00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:05,682

Now think about that

for one minute.

00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,058

That does not make sense!

00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,476

Why am I talking

about Chewbacca

00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,019

when a man's life

is on the line?

00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,562

Why?

I tell you why.

00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:13,731

I don't know.

If it doesn't make sense.

00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:16,651

If Chewbacca does not make

sense, you must acquit.

00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,653

Here, look at the monkey.

Look at the silly monkey.

00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:21,990

There he is!

00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,951

Chef, how does it feel

to be a free man and finally

00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:27,870

have your name credited on

the song "Stinky Britches"?

00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:29,330

It feels great!

00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:31,332

I just can't find the words

00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:33,167

to thank all the artists

who put on Chef Aid.

00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:36,087

Most of all,

I want to thank the children.

00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:37,505

So what are you

gonna do now?

00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,549

Get back to

what's important.

00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:42,885

It's Tuesday, and that means

tomorrow is tuna casserole day.

00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:44,178

Hurray!

00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:45,930

♪ Stinky britches ♪

00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:47,181

♪ You got them

stinky britches ♪

00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:48,933

♪ Stinky britches ♪

00:21:49,058 --> 00:21:50,601

♪ You got them

stinky britches ♪

00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:52,103

♪ Stinky britches ♪

00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,063

♪ You got stinky britches ♪

00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:55,857

Whoo!

Stinky!

00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,721

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:13,723

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,433

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:16,976

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,436

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:00:18,561 --> 00:00:20,271

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,981

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:00:22,106 --> 00:00:23,482

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:24,984

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:26,736

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:00:26,861 --> 00:00:29,905

[singing indistinctly]

00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:31,407

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,200

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,458

♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky britches ♪

00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:42,626

♪ Stinky stinky britches

you got stinky-- ♪

00:00:42,752 --> 00:00:44,211

What the hell

are you singing, Cartman?

00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:45,629

This new song

by Alanis Morissette.

00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,256

I can't get it

out of my head.

00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,674

♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky britches ♪

00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,468

Hello, children,

ready for lunch?

00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:51,677

- ♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky stinky ♪

00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,554

Eric, is there a problem?

00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,222

Yeah, I can't get this stupid

song out of my head!

00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:57,308

"Stinky Britches"

by Alanis Morissette?

00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:58,893

Yeah!

♪ Stinky stinky britches ♪

00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:00,895

Children, did you say hi

to Mr. Twig?

00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:02,313

"Hi boys,

how are you?"

00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:04,273

When is Mr. Hat

coming back?

00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,193

I told you never to say

his name in my presence.

00:01:07,318 --> 00:01:09,487

But we hate Mr. Twig.

Mr. Twig sucks.

00:01:09,612 --> 00:01:11,197

Yeah.

00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:12,698

♪ Stinky britches

you got stinky-- ♪

00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,450

It just so happens

that Mr. Twig

00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:15,910

is far more stable

than Mr. Hat could ever be,

00:01:16,035 --> 00:01:17,495

so he's the better puppet.

Now--

00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:18,913

He'd be better used

as a coat rack.

00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,414

[laughter]

00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:23,501

How dare you!

C'mon, Mr. Twig.

00:01:23,626 --> 00:01:24,668

Hello there, children!

00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:26,045

[all] Hey, Chef.

00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,088

♪ You got stinky britches ♪

00:01:27,213 --> 00:01:28,589

What did you say?

00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,091

He's singing some

new hit song.

00:01:30,216 --> 00:01:31,717

Eric, where did

you hear that song?

00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:32,718

It's all over the place,

on the radio,

00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,303

MTV, everywhere.

00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,596

Well, I'll be sodomized

on Christmas.

00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,306

What, dude?

00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,891

Children, I wrote that song

20 years ago.

00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,601

You wrote it?

- Yeah.

00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,311

Back when I used to be

in the rock business.

00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,813

And now it looks like some big

record company

00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,481

has published one of my songs.

00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,024

Wow, then you should

get money for it.

00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,984

Oh, I don't want any money.

00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:50,778

I'd just like to see my name

on the credits, that's all.

00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:51,862

Then we should go to

the record company.

00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,531

My dad's a lawyer, dude,

00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:55,032

he tells me about this stuff

all the time.

00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,868

Well, all right,

then I will go.

00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,912

I'll play them my version

of the song.

00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,706

♪ Stinky britches

you got those stinky britches ♪

00:02:02,832 --> 00:02:05,251

So you see,

Mr. Big Record Producer,

00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:07,795

"Stinky Britches" was something

I wrote several years ago.

00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,756

Hmm, I really see no

resemblance between that song

00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:13,634

and "Stinky Britches" by

our artist, Alanis Morissette.

00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,678

Huh?

- It's the same goddamn song!

00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,680

Now, look, I'm trying to be

cool about this.

00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,640

But you can't just rip

people's music off.

00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:20,683

It's against the law.

00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:24,061

I'm above the law!

00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,438

Mr. Chef, I'm afraid you

leave me no alternative.

00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:27,731

We're going to sue you.

00:02:27,857 --> 00:02:29,150

Sue me?

00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,401

You stole one of my songs,

00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,069

and you're gonna sue me?

00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:34,697

Yes, I suggest you get

a real good lawyer.

00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,448

We'll have the best

in the business.

00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:38,409

We'll get my dad

to be Chef's lawyer!

00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:39,827

Yeah, and he's Jewish!

00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:41,453

[pop song playing on TV]

00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:44,165

- ♪ Stinky stinky britches ♪

00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:46,167

♪ Stinky britches ♪

00:02:46,292 --> 00:02:48,210

Mr. Twig, is that you?

00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,212

[TV silences]

00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,256

Mr. Twig?

00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:53,757

[water boiling]

00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:57,261

Aah!

00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,388

Mr. Twig, no!

00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,266

Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?

Who?

00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,145

Now, just let me do

all the talking, Chef.

00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,855

We're gonna bring

these bastards down.

00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,899

Right.

- This court is now in session.

00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:11,567

Who is representing

the defense?

00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,569

I am, your honor,

Gerald Broflovski.

00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,196

And representing

the prosecution?

00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:17,448

I am, your honor.

Johnnie Cochran.

00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:19,200

[all gasping]

- Uh-oh.

00:03:19,325 --> 00:03:21,202

Why "uh-oh"?

- Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran.

00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:22,995

He's the guy who got O.J. Off.

00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,246

Uh-oh.

00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,708

I need some help

over here!

00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:30,085

Please help, I think he's got

third degree burns!

00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:31,754

Give the child to me.

00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,756

[dramatic music]

00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,466

Is he going

to be all right, Doctor?

00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:38,344

Uh...

- Is he going to live?

00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:40,638

It's a stick.

00:03:40,763 --> 00:03:42,723

Damn it, don't give me

that medical jargon.

00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:45,142

Just tell me straight,

is he gonna be okay?

00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,728

And so on this 15th day

of what is considered

00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:50,564

to be the most important

trial of the...day,

00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:53,442

Johnnie Cochran has appeared

to defend Capitalist Records.

00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,361

The question now is,

00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:57,738

will Cochran use his

famous Chewbacca defense?

00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:59,615

What's a Chewbacca defense?

- I don't know.

00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,408

That's what Cochran used

in the O.J. Simpson trial.

00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,118

Goddamn,

I hate that Cochran guy!

00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:04,536

If he was here in front of me,

I'd be like...

00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:05,788

hey!

00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,498

You stupid son of a bitch!

00:04:07,623 --> 00:04:10,626

[stammering]

I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!

00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,586

I'm sure that would scare

the hell out of him, Cartman.

00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,547

And so, in summation, ladies

and gentlemen of the jury,

00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,383

you've heard the version

of my client's song

00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,343

recorded over 20 years ago.

00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,512

You've heard

the exact same song

00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,806

produced by these cheats

in the past month.

00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,183

I'd say it's pretty much

an open and shut case.

00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:28,394

Make the right decision.

Thank you.

00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,398

We've got them.

[gavel bangs]

00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:34,733

Mr. Johnnie Cochran,

your closing arguments?

00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,069

Ladies and gentlemen

of the supposed jury.

00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,988

Chef's attorney would certainly

want you to believe

00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,614

that his client wrote

"Stinky Britches"

00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,741

ten years ago,

and they make a good case.

00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:44,410

Hell,

I almost felt pity myself.

00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,537

But ladies and gentlemen

of this supposed jury,

00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,998

I have one final thing

I want you to consider.

00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:52,084

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is Chewbacca.

00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,461

Chewbacca is a Wookie

from the planet Kashyyk.

00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:57,464

But Chewbacca lives on

the planet Endor.

00:04:57,589 --> 00:04:58,549

Now think about that.

00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:01,677

That does not make sense.

00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,178

Damn it.

- What?

00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:04,263

He's using

the Chewbacca defense.

00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:05,472

Why would a Wookie--

00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,474

an eight-foot-tall Wookie--

00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:09,435

want to live on Endor with

a bunch of two-foot-tall Ewoks?

00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,353

That does not make sense.

00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,564

But more importantly,

you have to ask yourself,

00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:17,651

what does this have to do

with this case?

00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:18,736

Nothing.

00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,279

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:21,739

it has nothing to do

with this case.

00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:23,324

It does not make sense.

00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:24,700

Look at me, I'm a lawyer

00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,076

defending a major

record company

00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,453

and I'm talking

about Chewbacca.

00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:29,163

Does that make sense?

00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:31,206

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm not making any sense.

00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:32,416

None of this makes sense!

00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,084

And so you have to remember,

00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,878

when you're in that jury room

deliberating

00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,255

and conjugating the

Emancipation Proclamation...

00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:41,008

does it make sense?

No.

00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,676

Ladies and gentlemen

of this supposed jury,

00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,803

it does not make sense.

00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:47,473

If Chewbacca lives on Endor,

you must acquit.

00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:50,267

The defense rests.

00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,436

Okay, then.

00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,396

Wow, he's good.

00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,023

In a teary-eyed courtroom,

Johnnie Cochran has just

00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,150

finished

his closing arguments,

00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,694

and as was anticipated, he did

use the Chewbacca defense.

00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,697

Whether or not it worked

is up to the jury to decide.

00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,407

How find you the jury?

00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,535

We find the defendant

Jerome "Chef" McElroy...

00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,703

guilty as charged.

00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:10,913

[all gasp]

Whoops.

00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,956

Whoops?

- Mr. Chef,

00:06:13,082 --> 00:06:14,750

you've been found guilty of

harassing a major record label.

00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,293

The full fee of $2 million

00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,212

will be handed

over within 24 hours.

00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,255

Do I look like

I have $2 million?

00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:21,799

Well, you have 24 hours

to find it,

00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:23,467

or else you'll have to

go to jail...

00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,719

for 8 million years.

00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,137

♪♪

00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,889

It's actually for four years.

00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,809

Oh, sorry, you'll go

to jail for four years.

00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,894

This can't be happening!

00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,271

Oh, no, dude.

Chef's gonna go to jail.

00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,405

And that chair, too.

I want that chair.

00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:46,073

Hey,

that's my favorite chair!

00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:47,908

You heard the judge.

Since you lost the case,

00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,452

I can seize whatever I want

to pay my legal fees.

00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,496

Yeah, take that

water cooler, too.

00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:53,914

Hello there, Chef.

00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:56,041

Hey, children.

- What's going on?

00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,793

Children, that record company

guy's taking all my belongings.

00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,378

And if I don't come up

with $2 million,

00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:00,712

I'm going to jail.

- Well, don't worry.

00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:02,089

We came over

to cheer you up.

00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,466

Yeah, ready, Cartman?

- Ready!

00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,343

♪ I will do the German dance

for you♪

00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,011

♪ It's fun and gay

and tra la la ♪

00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,638

♪ I hope you will enjoy

my dance ♪

00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,432

♪ Hilia hilia hey ♪

00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:12,975

♪ Would you like

some sauerkraut? ♪

00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,476

♪ German boys

German boys ♪

00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,186

♪ Yes I'd like

some sauerkraut ♪

00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,521

Okay, okay, children,

thank you very much.

00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:19,022

I feel much better.

- You do?

00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:20,858

Sure, just please stop.

- See?

00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:22,734

I told you guys it would work.

- What's that, dude?

00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,319

This?

This is my photo album

00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,488

of all my times

in the rock business.

00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,781

- Did you ever know

any famous people?

00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,741

Did I?

Janis Joplin.

00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,618

The Beatles.

Elton John.

00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,412

Got to travel

all around the world.

00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:36,039

Hanging out with bands,

going to lavish parties,

00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:38,333

loving many, many women.

00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:40,085

What's that?

- Nothing, anyway...

00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,295

- Take this too.

- Hey!

00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:42,796

That has no monetary value.

00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,298

What the hell are you

taking that for?

00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,133

I can take whatever I want.

00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,843

But I have 24 hours

to come up with your money.

00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:51,555

That's the law.

- I'm above the law!

00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,265

I told you not

to mess with me.

00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,225

That does it.

You know what I'm gonna do?

00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,727

I'm gonna raise

that $2 million,

00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:59,021

but I'm not gonna use it

to pay you back.

00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:02,024

I'm going to use it to hire

Johnnie Cochran myself

00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,400

and sue you!

00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:04,902

[gasps]

You wouldn't.

00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:06,236

Watch me.

00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:08,572

Now get the fudge

out of my house!

00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,826

I brought you

some more juice, Mr. Twig.

00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,661

Are you feeling any better?

00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,830

I don't know who would

want to hurt you like this,

00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:20,125

but I promise, nobody will ever

hurt you again, ever.

00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,419

Mr. Twig?

Are you okay?

00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,171

Mr. Twig?

00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:25,631

Aah!

00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,966

Mr. Twig is broken in half!

00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,676

Who did this?

00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,387

You won't get away with this,

you bastards!

00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,723

Okay, thank you,

Mr. Cochran.

00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,391

Well, Johnnie Cochran

will take my case

00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:39,186

if I can pay his legal fee--

$2 million.

00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:40,854

Hey, why don't you ask

all those famous people

00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,314

you used to know for money?

They're rich.

00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,524

Oh,

they wouldn't remember me.

00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,359

All I did was cook for them.

00:08:45,484 --> 00:08:47,027

You can raise $2 million,

dude--we'll help you.

00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:48,862

I appreciate that, children,

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,073

but raising $2 million

is not an easy thing to do.

00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:55,118

My only hope is to whore myself

to every woman in town.

00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,704

Wish me luck, children.

00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,082

We gotta help him, dude.

- Yeah, but how?

00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,626

Come on, maybe those

rock stars will remember Chef.

00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,211

Let's go pay them a visit.

00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:07,214

[majestic music]

00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,715

♪♪

00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,259

Whoa, dude,

this house is huge.

00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:11,760

Yeah, it's bigger than

Cartman's ass.

00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,345

[doorbell rings]

No, it isn't, you guys.

00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,180

Can I help you?

00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:16,974

We've come to raise money

for our friend, Chef.

00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:20,185

Would you like a mint crunchy

or a snacky cake?

00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,396

Are you Elton John?

- No, I'm one of his butlers.

00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,147

Ugh, then what the hell

are we talking to you for?

00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:25,440

Come on, guys.

00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:26,984

Hi.

Are you Elton John?

00:09:27,109 --> 00:09:28,819

Sir Elton John.

I was knighted, you know.

00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:30,612

We're trying to raise money

for our school chef.

00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:34,241

We have chocolate nuggets

and smoke crunchy...

00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,993

I'm sorry,

but I'm not a candy bar fan.

00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:37,452

What?

- Could you just buy

00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:38,829

a couple anyway?

Our friend Chef is--

00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:40,372

Chef?

You mean Chef, Chef?

00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,040

Yeah, dude.

- Whoa, you remember him?

00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,959

Of course.

I haven't seen him in so long.

00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,419

I remember when

I first met him.

00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:47,796

It was about 25 years ago.

00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,339

I was just

a struggling musician

00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,966

who couldn't get a break.

00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,051

♪ Oh-oh you're my

cheddar cheese girl ♪

00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:56,179

♪ You're soft but firm

and you go well with wine ♪

00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,724

♪ Oh-oh

cheddar cheese girl ♪

00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:00,892

♪ Cheddar

cheddar cheese girl ♪

00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:02,728

[crowd booing]

00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:04,646

Hey, Elton,

don't feel so down, baby.

00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:05,981

Have some of my

Scottish haggis.

00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:06,982

It'll cheer you up.

00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,609

Thanks, Chef.

00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,193

I don't understand

what my music is missing.

00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:11,987

Look, Elton,

you are a great singer,

00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:15,157

but a retarded monkey

could write better lyrics.

00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,533

I really thought

I had it this time

00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:17,618

with "Cheddar Cheese Girl."

00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,077

- What you need is a guy

00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,537

to write really good lyrics

for you.

00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,122

I know a guy

named Bernie Taupin

00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,832

who's working at Moth Burger

right now.

00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,792

I'll give him a call.

- That's a great idea.

00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,961

And Elton, why don't you get

yourself some new threads?

00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,839

You know,

some slick glasses and shit.

00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,341

And so I got Bernie

to write my lyrics.

00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,009

And if it wasn't for Chef,

00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,927

I would never

have had a career in music.

00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,679

So will you buy some of

our candy bars to help him out?

00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,848

Yes, of course.

I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.

00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,516

Three Crispy Yums Yums.

00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,226

Hey, Elton,

if I give you these lyrics,

00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:45,270

will you write a song

for my girlfriend, Wendy?

00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,148

Sure, kid, but I would retain

exclusive worldwide rights,

00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,858

including but not limited

to Asian territories

00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,610

with a 20% commission

on all domestic sales

00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:53,320

and sole ownership

of any of all publishing.

00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,905

Okay...

00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:56,823

Tell Chef I say hi.

- Thanks, dude.

00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,909

Dude, we'll have Chef's

$2 million in no time.

00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:01,787

I thank you, Chef.

00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,372

No problem, Ms. Broflovski.

00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:05,415

Uh...now,

about that hundred bucks?

00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:07,084

Of course,

here you go.

00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,127

Leaving so soon?

00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,838

I got a long way to go to

raise the kind of money I need.

00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,590

Well,

best of luck to you then.

00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,175

How was it, honey?

00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,094

Pretty much what I expected.

00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,513

Hello.

Are you Meatloaf?

00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:21,014

Yeah.

What the hell do you want?

00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:22,808

Mr. Loaf,

we are selling candy bars

00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,601

for our dying friend.

- He's not dying, Cartman.

00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,103

Shut your Goddamn mouth.

00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:28,146

We have nougat crunchies,

berry bars--

00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:29,815

What's this for?

- Our friend Chef.

00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,858

Chef's in trouble?

- Yeah, do you know him?

00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:32,859

Do I?

00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:35,237

[dreamy music]

00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,988

Nobody came again.

00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:39,074

There, there, Cous-Cous,

it'll be all right.

00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,867

Maybe you just need

to change your image.

00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,244

What do you mean?

- Nobody wants to see a guy

00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,745

named Cous-Cous.

00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,539

You need a big,

strong beefy name.

00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:47,791

Beefy, like a...

00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,751

Tri-Tip!

- That's not bad.

00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,378

Here, have some meatloaf.

00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,130

I owe everything to Chef.

00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,257

Wow, so you'll help him?

- You bet.

00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,800

Give me a box

of Nilla Yums Yums

00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,135

and a couple of berry bars.

00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,845

Cool!

- Yeah!

00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:01,388

All right, let's get

this show on the road!

00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,973

Come here, baby!

00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,599

Uh, hold on a second,

Ms. Crabtree.

00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,560

How would you like to use

some sex toys?

00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:08,103

Sex toys?

Like what?

00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,604

Like this

very special device.

00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,356

I call it

"Chef's pleasure bag."

00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,941

How does it work?

- All you do

00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,484

is put this paper bag

over your head,

00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:16,403

and it increases

your sexual pleasure.

00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:19,114

Really? Well, hell,

let's give it a shot.

00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,116

Ah, yeah.

That's much better.

00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,034

Sure,

I'll do anything for Chef.

00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,745

Give me a box

of those Choco-nomos.

00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,538

Gosh, thanks, Rick James.

- Yeah, thanks.

00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,206

That's $35.

Come on, you guys.

00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,958

We gotta hurry

and get this money to Chef.

00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:34,546

Oh, that was wonderful, Chef.

Good show.

00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,632

Oh, I can't keep doing this.

It's killing me.

00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,801

Ah, come on,

buck up, little fella.

00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,595

I'm serious.

I'm not gonna make it.

00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,263

Sure you are, Chef.

00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,432

I'll give you a hundred more

for another rump.

00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,225

[sighs]

00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,019

Ah, hell.

00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:50,896

- Thanks for coming,

Officer Barbrady.

00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,523

What's this all about?

- These pictures just arrived.

00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,233

I set up a camera

00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,402

and caught Mr. Twig's assailant

red-handed.

00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,945

Now go arrest him.

00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,617

What?

- Can I go now?

00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:06,453

Yes, yes, I'm sorry.

00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:07,454

Weirdo.

00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,080

It can't be.

00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,457

This can't be right.

00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:13,168

[tense music]

00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,170

[gasps]

00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,671

Mr. Hat!

00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,177

[indistinct

police radio chatter]

00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,261

Wait, what are you doing?

00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:25,138

It's over, children.

00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:26,765

I couldn't raise the $2 million

to hire Johnnie Cochran.

00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:28,892

Now I have to go to jail.

- No, you don't.

00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,393

Huh?

- We went to a bunch

00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:31,645

of rock stars

and sold them candy bars

00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,271

to raise the money you needed.

00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,232

Did what?

Wow, how much did you make?

00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:36,900

Cartman?

- Well, you can see here

00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,694

that we raised

approximately $95.

00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,780

Falling well short

of our $2 million goal,

00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:43,990

illustrated here.

- Oh.

00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,992

- But we can put our money

together

00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,869

with the money you made whoring

yourself to all the women.

00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,789

How much did you make?

- I made about $410,300 but--

00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,291

That doesn't matter because

that money belongs to me.

00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,960

You can't take Chef's money.

That's illegal.

00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:57,587

- I'm above the law!

00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,089

All right, you,

it's time to go.

00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:00,173

Good-bye, children.

00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,424

Thanks for all your help.

00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,218

Let's go.

- Ow!

00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,845

What the hell

did you do that for?

00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:06,263

I don't tell you

how to do your job,

00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,014

don't tell me

how to do mine.

00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,016

Ow!

Ow!

00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,601

- Dude, Chef is gone.

00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,103

No more Chef.

00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,606

No more Salisbury steak

and pecan pie...

00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:17,941

[crying]

00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,192

We can't let him down,

you guys.

00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,694

Dude, it's over, he's gone.

00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,445

No.

Chef wouldn't give up on us.

00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:23,989

How many times has Chef

gotten us out of trouble?

00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:25,866

Four.

- But what are we gonna do?

00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:27,158

It's easy, dude.

00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:28,618

Chef Aid.

- Chef Aid?

00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,120

- Yeah, we set up a stage

00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:31,663

and have Cartman

do the German dance.

00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,206

Then we charge people

for tickets.

00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,166

Hey, that's a great idea.

- Yeah.

00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,380

Did you think

I would just take you back?

00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:42,007

Like you can walk out

00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,175

and then come back

like nothing happened?

00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,177

Oh, don't look at me

like that, Mr. Hat.

00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:47,762

Remember,

you're the one that left.

00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,639

And I'm not gonna

take you back.

00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:50,974

You can just go to hell.

00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,476

You go to hell and you die.

00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:56,146

You're a lying ball of turd,

Mr. Hat!

00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,983

I hope you starve,

you lousy son of a bitch!

00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,401

What are you all

looking at?

00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,111

This is between me

and Mr. Hat.

00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,988

It's over, Mr. Garrison.

00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,490

This is it, we've had enough.

- What do you mean?

00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,285

- I'm afraid it's the big house

for you, fruitcake.

00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,953

What?

Jail?

00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,622

[rock music]

00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,248

♪ I will do the German dance

for you ♪

00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,000

♪ It's fun and gay

and tra la la ♪

00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,543

♪ Hope you will

enjoy my dance ♪

00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,086

♪ Hilia hilia hey ♪

00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,671

Hmm, this isn't going over

so well.

00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:22,756

Cartman just needs to

put more into it.

00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,466

Dance better, Cartman!

00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,800

♪ Would you like

some sauerkraut? ♪

00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:26,968

♪ German boys German boys ♪

00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,262

[singing fast, incoherent]

00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:30,764

Howdy ho, boys.

00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,599

Elton John,

what are you doing here?

00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,184

It occurred to me that you

might need some more help

00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:35,644

raising money for Chef.

- Boy, do we.

00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,228

So I called a few friends,

00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,356

and we all decided

to come over.

00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,774

Wow, cool!

- I see you've got a stage

00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,192

all set up for us.

00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:43,401

Yeah, dude,

it's all yours.

00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,945

Then let's rock and roll!

00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:48,073

Or something similar.

- [both] Hooray!

00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:49,658

- And Mr. Twig is at home.

00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,826

He has no idea

Mr. Hat is even back.

00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,453

I mean, I care a lot

about Mr. Twig,

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,413

but Mr. Hat and I

have so much history.

00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,290

- You finally snapped,

huh, Garrison?

00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,167

What?

- Don't you get it, Garrison?

00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,295

It's all you.

You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig.

00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:05,382

You've got split personality

schizophrenic jeebeez.

00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:07,884

I warn you, Chef.

Don't even think of

00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,053

taking advantage of me

in this prison cell.

00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,680

What?

- Okay, thanks for coming

00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,056

to Chef Aid, everybody!

00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,350

Are you ready

to rock and roll?

00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,186

Whoo!

00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,607

All right, let's get things

going with...Rancid!

00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,150

Whoo, sweet!

00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:26,820

♪ California sun

has sunk ♪

00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:29,656

♪ Behind Anaheim Hills

I come tonight ♪

00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:32,242

♪ I was high on junk ♪

00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,288

You still aren't

entertaining any ideas

00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:39,416

of raping me here in this

prison cell, are you, Chef?

00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:40,959

No, Garrison,

shut the hell up.

00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,460

[tires screeching]

That's good.

00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,796

What the--

- Oh, boy, we're free!

00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,340

Wow.

What a daring rescue.

00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,300

Mr. Hat!

00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:52,095

Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!

00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,930

Come on,

let's get in the truck.

00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,640

[engine turns over]

I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.

00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:58,268

How the hell did he reach

the gas pedal?

00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:01,479

♪ Mmm ♪

00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,273

Rick James,

ladies and gentlemen!

00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:05,108

God bless you, Chef.

00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,527

And now here's your

favorite band, Primus, whoo!

00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,947

We're damn proud to be here

to support our good buddy Chef.

00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,158

It was Chef who told us

in the early days

00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:15,326

to keep trying and to keep

pursuing our dreams,

00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:17,328

no matter how much we sucked.

00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:18,580

I love that man.

00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,707

[playing rock music]

00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,208

Ooh!

00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,252

What are you bastards doing?

00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,879

We're raising money so that

Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran

00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,422

to sue you.

- Yeah, now get out of here

00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,757

before I kick you in the nuts!

00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,091

Oh, yeah?

00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,593

We'll just see about this!

00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,928

Now, here's Joe Strummer!

Whoo-hoo!

00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,139

You know, when The Clash went

on tour and we lost our beat,

00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,266

Chef would be, like, on

the side of the stage, going,

00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,352

"Don't forget,

pump your loins, children!"

00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:44,481

You know, that was like,

his motto or something.

00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:47,692

Whoo!

- ♪ But it's a rocking world ♪

00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,861

♪ Make no mistake about it ♪

00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,572

♪ It's a shocking world could

be what's so great about it ♪

00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:53,782

♪ It's a rocking world ♪

00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,200

What the hell is this?

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,618

[music stops]

00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,578

[all]

Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!

00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,330

Wow, how'd you get

out of jail, Chef?

00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:03,374

Mr. Hat busted me out.

Children, did you do this?

00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:04,876

Well, we helped.

00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:05,960

We're gonna raise

your money, Chef.

00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,962

I don't believe it.

00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:11,091

We'll just see how long

this Chef Aid thing lasts.

00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:12,759

[laughs evilly]

00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:16,513

And now, here he is,

TV's Ozzy Osbourne!

00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,890

We're all here to help

our good friend Chef,

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,892

who has touched our lives

in the past.

00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,186

I remember when

I was just starting out,

00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,730

Chef suggested

I buy a pompadour hat.

00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:28,358

I thought he said,

"Bite the head of a bat."

00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:32,153

So I did, and the rest,

oh, is just history.

00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,697

Now, let's go crazy!

00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:36,282

[playing rock music]

00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,700

♪ Ain't nowhere to run ♪

00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:38,785

'Cause I be running this.

00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,120

♪♪

00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,412

♪ Ain't nowhere to hide ♪

00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:42,497

Come on!

00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,040

Aah!

00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,875

Gah!

00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,794

Oh, my God, Ozzy Osbourne

bit Kenny's head off!

00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,170

You bastard!

00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,381

And now here's Ween!

00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,258

We're thrilled to be

a part of Chef Aid.

00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,593

Chef was the guy who told us

to do a country album.

00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:57,011

No, dude,

that was Steve's idea.

00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,763

Oh, then who's Chef?

00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,265

I don't know, dude,

I thought you knew him.

00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,308

Oh, well.

Anyways, here's our song.

00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:04,060

[playing rock music]

00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:06,062

[both] ♪ Many colors

in the homo rainbow ♪

00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:11,401

♪ Don't be afraid

to let your colors shine ♪

00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,069

Don't worry, Mr. Twig,

00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,863

even though Mr. Hat rescued me

from prison,

00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,823

I'm still gonna stick with you.

00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:18,324

Do you love him?

00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:20,702

It doesn't matter.

He left me.

00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,287

Do you love him?

00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,788

Yes.

00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,623

Then run to him.

00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,959

But I feel like I'd be making

the wrong decision.

00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,129

Love isn't a decision,

it's a feeling.

00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:33,131

If we could decide

who we loved,

00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:37,302

it would be much simpler,

but much less magical.

00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:41,806

I'll never forget you,

Mr. Twig. Thank you.

00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:44,976

And now, ladies

and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,519

Whoo!

00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:48,938

- Thank you all

for coming to help Chef.

00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:52,859

This is a song written by

a very special little boy.

00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,403

I have no idea what his name

is, but who the hell cares?

00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,198

Anyway,

he wrote it for his girlfriend.

00:19:58,323 --> 00:20:02,619

♪ Wake up Wendy

smell the coffee ♪

00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,245

Dude, that's your song

for Wendy.

00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:05,955

- [laughs]

You're a wuss!

00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,459

♪♪

00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:10,460

[stage rumbles]

00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:11,586

[music stops]

00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,383

[laughs evilly]

I win, you lose.

00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:18,927

Chef Aid is over,

00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,261

and you didn't raise

near enough money

00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,804

to pay Cochran's legal fees.

00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,806

[laughs evilly]

I win.

00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,266

[solemn music]

00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,060

And what happened then?

00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:29,354

Well, in South Park, they say

00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:33,566

Johnnie Cochran's heart

grew three sizes that day.

00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,276

Wait.

00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,862

Mr. Chef, this music

has really touched me.

00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:40,323

I'd like to take up

your case free of charge.

00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,992

You will?

- I will.

00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,702

[all cheering]

00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,412

No!

- We'll see you in court,

00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:47,872

Mr. Record Producer.

00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:48,998

No!

00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,421

Ladies and gentlemen

of the supposed jury,

00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,131

you must now decide

whether or not

00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,384

to reverse the decision

for my client, Chef.

00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:01,970

I know he seems guilty,

but ladies and gentlemen,

00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,472

this is Chewbacca.

00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:05,682

Now think about that

for one minute.

00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,058

That does not make sense!

00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,476

Why am I talking

about Chewbacca

00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,019

when a man's life

is on the line?

00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,562

Why?

I tell you why.

00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:13,731

I don't know.

If it doesn't make sense.

00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:16,651

If Chewbacca does not make

sense, you must acquit.

00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,653

Here, look at the monkey.

Look at the silly monkey.

00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,196

[groans]

00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:21,990

There he is!

[reports clamoring]

00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,951

Chef, how does it feel

to be a free man and finally

00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:27,870

have your name credited on

the song "Stinky Britches"?

00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:29,330

It feels great!

00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:31,332

I just can't find the words

00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:33,167

to thank all the artists

who put on Chef Aid.

00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:36,087

Most of all,

I want to thank the children.

00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:37,505

So what are you

gonna do now?

00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,549

Get back to

what's important.

00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:42,885

It's Tuesday, and that means

tomorrow is tuna casserole day.

00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:44,178

[all] Hurray!

00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:45,930

♪ Stinky britches ♪

00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:47,181

♪ You got them

stinky britches ♪

00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:48,933

♪ Stinky britches ♪

00:21:49,058 --> 00:21:50,601

♪ You got them

stinky britches ♪

00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:52,103

♪ Stinky britches ♪

00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:54,063

♪ You got stinky britches ♪

00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:55,857

Whoo!

Stinky!