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Роджеру Эберту следует отказаться от жирной пищи
Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods
Сезон: 02Серия: 11
Описание
Смотритель планетария промывает мозги всему городу, кроме Картмана, который уезжает на кастинг в рекламный ролик сырных подушечек.
Субтитры
- 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,048 Hello, everyone. I'm Trey Parker.
- 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,842 And I'm Matt Stone, and we're doing what we do best...
- 00:00:07,967 --> 00:00:11,846 Bakin' bacon with Macon!
- 00:00:11,971 --> 00:00:13,639 That's right, and here to help us
- 00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:15,182 is our old buddy, Macon.
- 00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,311 Nobody likes bakin' bacon more than Macon.
- 00:00:19,437 --> 00:00:21,188 That's true, if someone's bakin' bacon,
- 00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,024 Macon's heart starts breaking if he's forsaken.
- 00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:24,692 Well, today we're gonna make a bacon dish
- 00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:26,152 that you kids can all make at home,
- 00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:28,362 Western Iowa Bacon Casserole.
- 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:32,408 First off, let's cook the bacon.
- 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,285 Butter.
- 00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:36,620 Bacon. Salt.
- 00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:38,706 Mmm, that smells good.
- 00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:40,791 You like that, Macon?
- 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:41,792 You better give Macon his treat.
- 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,627 Oh, right.
- 00:00:43,753 --> 00:00:44,879 Now, what we've done for Macon is,
- 00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:46,672 we've taken some bacon
- 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,716 and we've wrapped it around some pork sausages.
- 00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:50,551 This is one of Macon's favorite treats.
- 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,511 All right, buddy. Here you go, here you go.
- 00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:53,763 Yeah!
- 00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,765 Come on, come on.
- 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,435 Once the bacon is done, we chop it up
- 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,936 and then get a casserole dish
- 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:01,937 where we add our other ingredients.
- 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:03,397 That's right.
- 00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,024 Frozen hash browns on the bottom.
- 00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:06,525 Bacon in the middle.
- 00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:10,279 Some processed cheese item.
- 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:13,115 More bacon. - More bacon.
- 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,117 - And then we're gonna top it all off with bacon.
- 00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:20,206 Now, we're gonna bake this for 30 minutes at 450 degrees.
- 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:21,665 And while we're waiting, let's watch
- 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,250 our favorite episode of "South Park."
- 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,127 It's all about the boys' haunting trip
- 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,921 to the planetarium and Cartman's quest to be a star.
- 00:01:27,046 --> 00:01:28,380 That's right, you know, most people don't know it,
- 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,382 but this episode is actually a parody
- 00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:33,135 of an old "Star Trek" episode called "Dagger of the Mind."
- 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,554 And so that's why we decided to call this episode
- 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,765 "Roger Ebert Should Eat Less Fatty Foods."
- 00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:41,143 Enjoy the show, and we'll be back
- 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,771 with Western Idaho Bacon Casserole.
- 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,368 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:57,493 --> 00:01:59,120 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:00,955 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,748 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,208 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,960 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:07,670 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,380 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- 00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:10,881 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,591 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,471 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,974 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:22,184 <i>Well, Detective, it looks like you fooled them again.</i>
- 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,270 <i>All in a day's work, I guess.</i>
- 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:26,397 <i>I just hope that next time I don't have to run so much.</i>
- 00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,817 Okay, children, what do you think
- 00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:31,610 Barnaby Jones meant when he said,
- 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,363 "This is not a victimless crime"?
- 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,823 Anybody?
- 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,741 Children, were you paying attention?
- 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:39,451 Mr. Garrison, we've been watching
- 00:02:39,577 --> 00:02:40,828 "Barnaby Jones" repeats for eight days now.
- 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,371 It's hard to keep paying attention.
- 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,248 Oh, well, excuse me, Kyle.
- 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,292 Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?
- 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,210 Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones,
- 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,337 and then let's see how far you get in society.
- 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,173 Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us
- 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:54,466 how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?
- 00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:55,509 Can't we just be like normal third graders
- 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,011 for a little while?
- 00:02:57,136 --> 00:02:58,762 Oh, and what do you consider normal?
- 00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:00,222 I don't know, like learn about art and music
- 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,682 and go on field trips and stuff.
- 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,601 Yeah! - Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants,
- 00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:06,562 it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow.
- 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:07,730 Hooray! - To where?
- 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,106 To the planetarium.
- 00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:10,357 Aww!
- 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,067 Planetariums suck.
- 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,694 Oh, now, what's wrong with a planetarium?
- 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,362 It's boring.
- 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:16,697 Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
- 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,699 Well, too bad, you're all going
- 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,409 to the planetarium tomorrow, and you're all gonna love it.
- 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,661 In the meantime, we're gonna watch episode #203,
- 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,914 "Barnaby Under Siege."
- 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,457 Oh, sorry, I taped these at home,
- 00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:28,250 so there's more commercials.
- 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,960 <i>Hey, kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?</i>
- 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,754 Yes.
- 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,464 <i>Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid</i>
- 00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,466 <i>to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song.</i>
- 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,343 <i>Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.</i>
- 00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:39,011 I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
- 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:40,763 <i>If you win, you could be picked</i>
- 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,556 <i>to be in our next Cheesy Poof commercial.</i>
- 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,183 <i>So remember... ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:45,976 <i>♪ You love "Cheesy Poofs" ♪</i>
- 00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:47,061 <i>♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:03:47,186 --> 00:03:49,438 <i>♪ We'd be lame ♪</i>
- 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:50,898 Okay, children, let's quiet down
- 00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,274 so the nice bus driver
- 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,068 can concentrate on the road.
- 00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:55,945 That ain't how you do it! You do it like this!
- 00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:58,280 Sit down and shut up!
- 00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,823 Ow, Jesus, lady!
- 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:02,493 Whoa! - This is the planetarium!
- 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,870 Watch your step on the way down so as not to hurt yourselves!
- 00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:06,622 Ow.
- 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,457 Okay, children, now, I'm going to remind you
- 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,918 that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel.
- 00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:12,461 Let's behave ourselves.
- 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,129 Does your child have what it takes
- 00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,714 to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
- 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,174 Hey, there it is!
- 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,384 We're going around the country
- 00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,052 to find the kid who can sing
- 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,553 the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
- 00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:23,097 I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song
- 00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:25,140 with both hands tied behind my back.
- 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:26,934 - You couldn't get both your arms behind your back, fat-ass.
- 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,686 Come on, Eric, we're going to the planetarium.
- 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:29,728 But I have to go sing the Cheesy Poofs song
- 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,188 for that talent van!
- 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,856 No, you have to go in this building
- 00:04:32,982 --> 00:04:34,066 and see a bunch of stupid stars, now, come on.
- 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,116 Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams.
- 00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,410 Welcome to the planet-arium.
- 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,203 I thought it was planetarium?
- 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,330 Well, it is, but I have a bone disease
- 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:49,957 which impedes my ability
- 00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,001 to pronounce the "T" in planet-arium.
- 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,003 That's a pretty weird bone disease.
- 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:57,089 Yes, perhaps someday I can get a bone marrow transplant.
- 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:58,966 Yes, little boy?
- 00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:00,801 How long is that Cheesy Poof van gonna be outside?
- 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,636 Well, I don't know, but anyway, boys and girls,
- 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:05,556 soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe.
- 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:08,726 But first I want to show you how the planet-arium works.
- 00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:11,103 As if we care?
- 00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,771 Hey, who are you?
- 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,399 Little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
- 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,192 I love my work.
- 00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:18,861 Wow, dude, you're only as old as us.
- 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,863 Shouldn't you be in school? - I love my work.
- 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,659 Come on, let's get into the planet-arium, shall we?
- 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,996 Good morning, children, and welcome to the planet-arium.
- 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,373 We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe.
- 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,375 So I want you to lean back
- 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,918 in your chairs and get comfortable.
- 00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:36,420 This is stupid.
- 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:37,921 And now I'm going to dim the lights
- 00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:41,091 and let the stars... come out.
- 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,010 Whoopee.
- 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,804 Here we see the constellation called the Big Dipper.
- 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:49,391 If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...
- 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,353 we see where this constellation gets its name.
- 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,980 These stars over here form the constellation
- 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:56,857 of Taurus, the bull.
- 00:05:56,982 --> 00:06:00,986 While these stars form the constellation Roger Ebert.
- 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,821 And these two little stars over here
- 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,908 form the constellation the Crusades.
- 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,911 Now, stars are actually made of hot gas,
- 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,621 which is exactly what comes out of--
- 00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,122 Ah, man, screw this.
- 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,168 And now breathe deep as the stars
- 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:19,922 slowly start to move in little circles.
- 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:23,342 I know you think planet-ariums are boring,
- 00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:27,137 but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
- 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,764 ♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:29,765 ♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:30,849 ♪ We'd be lame ♪
- 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,101 That was great, Tommy!
- 00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:33,227 Tommy Frets from Torey Pines.
- 00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:34,895 He could be our winner.
- 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,897 Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass.
- 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,482 Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
- 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,942 Eric Cartman.
- 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:40,943 All right, here's Eric Cartman
- 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,236 giving it a shot.
- 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,280 ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,074 ♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:48,784 ♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:52,037 ♪ We'd be... lame! ♪
- 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,539 ♪ I'm talking "Night Court ♪
- 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:57,334 ♪ In its fifth season" lame... ♪
- 00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,754 Wow! - That's right, suck on that.
- 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,923 Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
- 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,591 Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
- 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,177 Me neither! But I loved the planetarium.
- 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,846 Me too. It was sweet.
- 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,639 Really? What did you like best about it?
- 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,224 I don't know.
- 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:13,517 I don't even remember what happened.
- 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,018 Wait a minute, where is Eric?
- 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,728 I did it! I did it! - Did what?
- 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:18,397 I got a callback for the Cheesy Poofs song!
- 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,274 You snuck off and sang that stupid song?
- 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:21,942 Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!
- 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,194 Good-bye, children. Thanks for visiting.
- 00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,696 Don't forget, we have laser rock shows
- 00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,781 at night here at the planet-arium.
- 00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:32,286 This week it's laser Kenny Loggins and laser James Taylor.
- 00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:34,288 My head still feels funny. - Yeah, mine too.
- 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,999 Hey, guys, when I'm doing the Cheesy Poof commercials,
- 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,001 I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
- 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,544 Like you really need it, hippo ass.
- 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:41,879 It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle.
- 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:43,172 It really is.
- 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,175 Whoa, dude, who the hell are you?
- 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:49,428 My... name... is... Van Gelder.
- 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,138 Van Gelder? What the hell are you doing on our bus?
- 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:52,931 Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid
- 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,683 from the planetarium on our bus!
- 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,851 Oh, great, well, I guess we have to go back.
- 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,769 No! Don't go back! No!
- 00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,938 Hey, be careful, asshole.
- 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,566 Don't take me back there! Can't! Can't!
- 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,110 All right, dude. Mellow out! Jeez.
- 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,613 We better get him to the nurse's office, stat.
- 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,700 Ah! The planetarium!
- 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,411 I'll give him a painkiller. That should calm him down.
- 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,413 No! No painkiller! I'll be okay.
- 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:17,748 Okay, Van Gelder?
- 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,583 Mm-kay, I'm Counselor Mackey.
- 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,543 Have you been smoking mari-ju-ana?
- 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,545 Mari-ju-ana's bad, mm-kay?
- 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,590 Must tell... the machine...
- 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,842 the machine is...
- 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,511 I've never seen anything like this.
- 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,929 What do you think, Principal?
- 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:33,263 Well, whatever happened to him,
- 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,723 happened at the planetarium.
- 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,767 Ah! Planetarium! - I think tonight
- 00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,977 the planetarium's doing laser Loggins.
- 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,313 I might have to check it out.
- 00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,193 <i>♪ I'm turning it loose ♪</i>
- 00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:47,986 <i>♪ Footloose ♪</i>
- 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,696 <i>♪ Kick off the Sunday shoes ♪</i>
- 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,532 Oh, man, this is boring!
- 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:53,951 Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?
- 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,827 Dude, this is totally killer.
- 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:58,789 I hope this goes on for, like, seven months, man.
- 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,083 <i>♪ Come on before we crack ♪</i>
- 00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,587 You will not remember what happens here.
- 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:09,550 To remember it will cause incredible pain.
- 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:12,302 Incredible pain!
- 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,681 Incredible, icky pain!
- 00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,558 Dude, I'm totally tripping. - Dude, this is totally killer.
- 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:23,939 Okay, children, today we're going to learn
- 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,067 all about Japanese poems called "haiku."
- 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,778 A haiku is just like a normal American poem
- 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,614 except that it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.
- 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,492 For example... uh, where's Eric Cartman?
- 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,452 That's a haiku? - No, I'm asking why
- 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,580 Eric Cartman isn't at school. - Oh.
- 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,290 Was he on the school bus this morning?
- 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:42,499 No.
- 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:43,917 ♪ Fat ass Cartman was ♪
- 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,168 ♪ Not on the school bus today ♪
- 00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:46,628 ♪ What a big fat turd ♪
- 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,505 Oh, very good haiku, Kyle.
- 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,424 Yes, haikus have five syllables,
- 00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:52,384 then seven, then five.
- 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,261 Kenny, can you give us another example?
- 00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,603 What's a discharge?
- 00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,187 Mr. Garrison, since haikus suck so much ass,
- 00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,023 can we go back to the planetarium again?
- 00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:07,357 Yeah, I want to go to the planetarium again, too.
- 00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:08,817 But you were just there.
- 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,278 Why do you want to go again so soon?
- 00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:12,863 Yeah, why do we want to go again so soon?
- 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,448 I don't know.
- 00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,074 I just have this sudden urge to go back.
- 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,659 Well, I guess we could go again,
- 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,578 since it's just down the street.
- 00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:20,871 Well, hello!
- 00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,289 It's all my little friends,
- 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:23,749 with all their little dreams.
- 00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,584 Eric, where have you been?
- 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:27,628 Let's see, where have I been? Where have I been?
- 00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:28,879 Where have you been, Cartman?
- 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,088 Well, I might have been over
- 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,757 at the Cheesy Poof callback
- 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:34,551 winning regional championships!
- 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,970 This is my regional championship certificate.
- 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,889 Do you like it?
- 00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:41,183 Hey, Where's your regional champion certificate, Clyde?
- 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,976 Oh, you don't have one?
- 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,437 Hmm... do you have a regional certificate, Wendy?
- 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:48,148 No? Apparently, only I do!
- 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,524 ♪ Ass full of pork fat ♪
- 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:51,109 ♪ Jiggles like a Jell-O mold ♪
- 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,819 ♪ Mouth is flapping too ♪
- 00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:55,030 Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle.
- 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,448 I'm regional champion.
- 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,658 Does that mean you're gonna be in
- 00:10:57,783 --> 00:10:59,159 that Cheesy Poof commercial?
- 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,786 It's between me and four other kids.
- 00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:02,245 I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
- 00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:03,747 ♪ I bet you don't win ♪
- 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,499 ♪ They don't let big fat asses ♪
- 00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:07,417 ♪ Perform on TV ♪
- 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,920 Very good, Kyle. - ♪ Shut your goddamn mouth ♪
- 00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,839 ♪ Or else I'm gonna... kick you ♪
- 00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:16,718 ♪ Square in the balls... asshole ♪
- 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,179 Oh, damn it!
- 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,722 How's he doing, nurse?
- 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:21,973 He's stable, but I still can't get
- 00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,058 any information out of him.
- 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,101 I'm gonna sedate him now.
- 00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:25,727 No! No drugs!
- 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,270 Drugs are good, mm-kay?
- 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:29,940 Don't let them go... planetarium!
- 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,566 Why, Van Gelder?
- 00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:32,984 The machine... the machine is--
- 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,696 The machine is... ah?
- 00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:37,364 That's probably bad.
- 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,408 - He's been talking about "the machine" for hours.
- 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,243 That and Daisy Fuentes.
- 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,745 Why? Why, "America's Funniest Home Videos," why?
- 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,748 There's only one way to get any sense out of him.
- 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,167 We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mm-kay?
- 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,794 A what?
- 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,754 It's an ancient technique handed down
- 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,424 from school counselor to school counselor.
- 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,385 I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
- 00:11:58,510 --> 00:11:59,928 Well, what will you need?
- 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,389 Just time to prepare, Nurse.
- 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:04,391 Just time.
- 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,601 Mm-kay?
- 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:09,896 Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
- 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:11,523 They just begged to come back.
- 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,358 I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
- 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,402 - Well, I'm sure we're gonna have a marvelous time.
- 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,695 Won't we, children?
- 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,321 Yes.
- 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:22,409 This way, please. - Enjoy your visit.
- 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,745 Billions of stars and billions of galaxies
- 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,580 make up our universe.
- 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:29,166 Here you see Polaris, the Dog Star.
- 00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:31,168 I'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee.
- 00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:32,627 Certainly, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,300 You love the planetarium!
- 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,095 To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain.
- 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,931 All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive.
- 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,267 To not do so makes your stomach ache
- 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,810 with needle-like stab--
- 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,103 and right over here,
- 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,481 we see the constellation Orion.
- 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,400 Orion's Belt is made up of three stars, one of which--
- 00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,611 Dude, what just happened? - What do you mean?
- 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:58,862 Come on, we gotta get out of here
- 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,322 before something bad happens.
- 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,118 Don't pick your nose, hon.
- 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,745 I wasn't picking it, I had an itch,
- 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,371 for crying out loud!
- 00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:10,207 Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
- 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:12,209 - I don't know, there's a lot of competition here.
- 00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:13,710 Do you think I might win, Mommy?
- 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,504 I hope so, honey-- then, perhaps,
- 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,172 we can eat for a little while.
- 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,176 - Hey, look, they're giving away bread outside!
- 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,303 Did you hear that, Mommy? - Come on!
- 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:26,848 Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!
- 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,058 Psych!
- 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,520 What the hell are you boys doing?
- 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,355 You're supposed to be in there.
- 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,439 Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is--
- 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,066 Shh.
- 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,734 Good-bye, children. Thanks for coming.
- 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:40,195 I want to go again. I want to go again!
- 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,364 - Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde, you just went.
- 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:45,492 Well, Clyde, if you like the planet-arium so much,
- 00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:48,286 perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
- 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,496 Yes. Yes, please.
- 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,164 Me too! - Me too!
- 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,750 I want to do it! - Yeah, me too.
- 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:55,752 Mr. Garrison? - Well, I guess I could
- 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,379 give 'em extra credit for it.
- 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,798 Excellent! Why don't we step over here,
- 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,884 and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
- 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:05,428 Dude, this isn't right. - What?
- 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:06,888 We're kids, dude.
- 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:07,889 We don't volunteer for anything.
- 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,641 Oh, yeah.
- 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,560 Come on, we gotta see what's going on in there.
- 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,270 Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
- 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:15,897 Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.
- 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:19,693 He hits this switch.
- 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:24,948 You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.
- 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,157 Yeah, I guess so.
- 00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,246 What does that do? - I don't know.
- 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,791 Kenny, what's it doing?
- 00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:37,043 This says "maximum."
- 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,799 Oh, my God! We've killed Kenny!
- 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,342 We're bastards!
- 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,430 Dude, I told you something was up with this place.
- 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,141 We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
- 00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:53,268 <i>G-O.</i>
- 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,562 ♪ G-O, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,772 ♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:04,154 O.
- 00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:06,072 ♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,366 ♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,953 Ing.
- 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:15,790 ♪ And Bingo was his name-o! ♪
- 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:19,753 Thank you, uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.
- 00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:22,255 Next will be, uh, Eric Theodore Cartman.
- 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:23,882 Hello, everybody.
- 00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,508 Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.
- 00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:26,760 I know, I know.
- 00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:32,223 ♪ She works hard for the money! ♪
- 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:33,934 ♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪
- 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,435 ♪ She works hard for the money ♪
- 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,896 ♪ So you better treat her right ♪
- 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,441 ♪ She works hard for the money ♪
- 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,318 ♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪
- 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,945 ♪ She works hard for the money ♪
- 00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,697 ♪ So you better treat her right! ♪
- 00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:55,747 Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.
- 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,666 Thank you. - We'll let you know.
- 00:15:57,791 --> 00:16:00,502 Thank you. Don't pick your nose, hon.
- 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:04,005 I'm not picking it, Ma! God damn it, I have an itch!
- 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,882 Jesus, where do we find these people?
- 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:13,473 Our minds are one, mm-kay?
- 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:17,477 Our thoughts are one, mm-kay?
- 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,521 This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
- 00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:22,148 Please, Nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head,
- 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,025 you're not being very open-minded.
- 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,321 Open your mind to your counselor.
- 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,865 Open your mind.
- 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,952 - Dr. Adams... - Yes.
- 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,870 He owns the planetarium. What about him?
- 00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:38,248 He uses the machine.
- 00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,875 The star machine. - Mm-kay?
- 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:44,212 He uses it to erase minds.
- 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,172 But why?
- 00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:49,259 Planetarium about to go out of business.
- 00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,554 Adams has to create slaves to survive.
- 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,848 My God, this is amazing.
- 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:56,933 Please, Nurse, you're throwing off my chi, mm-kay?
- 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,690 Well, we certainly want to congratulate all our finalists.
- 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,859 Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize,
- 00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,695 and, unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.
- 00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,196 Yes! I'm the best!
- 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,032 You were actually our last choice,
- 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,658 but the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs
- 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,493 as volunteers at the planetarium.
- 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,620 That's odd. - Sweet!
- 00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,123 It appears that more and more South Park residents
- 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,126 are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium.
- 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,046 Here with a special report is a 34-year-old Asian man
- 00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,089 who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
- 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,883 Thanks, Tom, yes, indeed, the planetarium
- 00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:32,510 has become very popular as word spreads
- 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:35,764 that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected.
- 00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:38,308 I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
- 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,852 Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation
- 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,604 to all South Park residents
- 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,690 to come see a special free show this evening.
- 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,485 I guarantee it will change the way you think
- 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,945 about the planet-arium.
- 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:53,907 So bring the whole family to the planetarium
- 00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,659 for a night of excitement and wonder.
- 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,328 And then we turned the dial,
- 00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,163 and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
- 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,290 That's a pretty farfetched story, boys.
- 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,125 But it's true, dude! - Are you boys sure
- 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,002 you're not just making this all up?
- 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:07,879 Yeah, pretty sure.
- 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,380 Well, just as soon as I handle
- 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,174 all the other crime in South Park,
- 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:12,926 I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium
- 00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,136 so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
- 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,596 What other crime in South Park?
- 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,140 Oh, yeah. Let's go.
- 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,934 Okay, let's shoot the commercial.
- 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,644 Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
- 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,563 I'm over here! - Oh, you look great, hon.
- 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,357 Mommy's fat little piggy.
- 00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:28,817 Hey!
- 00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:30,360 Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
- 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:33,571 Okay, roll camera, and... action!
- 00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,157 ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪ - Oh, wait! Wait!
- 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,034 You've got a little eye booger, hon.
- 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,912 Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake! - Got it!
- 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:43,123 And... action. - ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:44,666 Hold it! Cut!
- 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,251 Can we get more light on that backdrop?
- 00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,670 Sure thing. - Oh, man, come on.
- 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,338 Got it.
- 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,924 Okay, here we go, and... action!
- 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:54,759 ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy ♪
- 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:56,553 Cut! - What?
- 00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,179 I'm not liking the shoes. Can we change the shoes?
- 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,598 Oh, God damn it!
- 00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:03,017 Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
- 00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:05,436 Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
- 00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:06,896 What brings you out here?
- 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,273 Well, these boys seem to think
- 00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:09,983 you're some kind of sick weirdo
- 00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:12,402 that's got a master plan to screw with the minds
- 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:13,903 of everyone in town.
- 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,782 Oh, really?
- 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,617 Yeah, I just thought I'd come show them around
- 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,162 so they know there's nothing to be scared of.
- 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,831 Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.
- 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,499 Okay, I'll be quick then.
- 00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:29,002 Of course, Officer, come on in.
- 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,423 Hello, children.
- 00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:35,300 Oh, no. They got Chef too!
- 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,635 Welcome to the planetarium.
- 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,429 Well, it's nice to see you finally got
- 00:19:39,554 --> 00:19:41,097 a real job, Chef.
- 00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:43,391 I love my work.
- 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,893 I know what you mean.
- 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,644 I've always loved the planetarium too.
- 00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,314 Would you like to see the stars, Officer?
- 00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:51,524 No! - That would be superduper!
- 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,526 Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
- 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,945 <i>Hello?</i> - Hi, Grandma, it's me, Eric!
- 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,447 Oh, hello, Eric!
- 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,949 Grandma sure has missed you.
- 00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:01,659 I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be
- 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,661 on television tonight, so be sure to watch.
- 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,455 Oh, I will, Eric.
- 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,916 You know, I remember when I was a little girl
- 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,084 and had my first talent show audition--
- 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:12,253 Okay, bye.
- 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,464 <i>Hello, the Marshes aren't in right now.</i>
- 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:15,965 <i>Please leave a message.</i>
- 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:17,425 Stan, I'm gonna be on TV tonight.
- 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,718 Be sure to watch.
- 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,055 <i>Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis.</i>
- 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,765 <i>Please leave a message.</i>
- 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,725 Where the hell is everybody?
- 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,810 I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
- 00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:30,438 And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
- 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,941 Oh, neato!
- 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,443 And now, Officer, from this moment on,
- 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,695 you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
- 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,739 Oh?
- 00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,532 To not be Elvis will cause you great pain!
- 00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:44,035 Pain. - You see, children?
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,787 There's no stopping me.
- 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:46,955 Even your highly intelligent policemen
- 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,040 are no match for me.
- 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,792 He's not highly intelligent. - Why are you doing this, dude?
- 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,961 Why? Because nowadays, kids have computers
- 00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:55,004 and surround sound television.
- 00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:57,423 They've forgotten all about planet-ariums,
- 00:20:57,548 --> 00:21:01,844 but I'll make 'em remember, starting with the two of you!
- 00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,429 <i>"Terrence and Phillip" will be right back</i>
- 00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:04,597 <i>after these announcements.</i>
- 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,932 Oh, dude, here it comes!
- 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:08,017 <i>Packed full of ingredients,</i>
- 00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,769 <i>Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up!</i>
- 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:12,605 <i>So remember: ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:15,358 <i>♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,902 <i>♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:20,405 <i>♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.</i>
- 00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:22,073 <i>And now back to "Terrence and Phillip."</i>
- 00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,117 Yes! Yes, that was me!
- 00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:26,536 I was on television!
- 00:21:26,661 --> 00:21:29,664 Aha! Caught you red-handed, mm-kay?
- 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,958 Mr. Mackey! - Officer Barbrady.
- 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:35,086 This man is using some kind of mind control.
- 00:21:38,381 --> 00:21:39,757 What's wrong with him?
- 00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:45,805 Oh, no, apparently he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
- 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:47,682 No, you idiot. He thinks he's Elvis.
- 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,977 Elvis, escort our guests to the planet-arium.
- 00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:52,687 Folks, if you wouldn't mind,
- 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:53,813 could you please follow me?
- 00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:55,106 Uh-oh.
- 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,572 Well, let's begin, shall we?
- 00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:04,782 And now you will remember nothing
- 00:22:04,907 --> 00:22:06,451 except that the planet-arium
- 00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,369 is the best thing you've ever known.
- 00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:13,166 Well, well, well, you guys can all kiss my ass
- 00:22:13,291 --> 00:22:15,877 because I was on television!
- 00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:22,050 Hey, didn't you guys hear? I was on television!
- 00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:23,676 You missed it!
- 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:25,219 You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!
- 00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:28,348 Planetariums suck ass!
- 00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:33,186 Ugh... ugh!
- 00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,687 Cartman, you saved us!
- 00:22:34,812 --> 00:22:35,938 The hell are you talking about?
- 00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:38,066 Get over here and untie us.
- 00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:40,568 Eric, you really saved the day, mm-kay?
- 00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:42,862 Not so fast there, tubby.
- 00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,072 I'm just taking care of business.
- 00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,823 Think hard, Elvis.
- 00:22:45,948 --> 00:22:47,575 You're not really the king of rock 'n' roll.
- 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,619 You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman
- 00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:52,205 in a small town, mm-kay?
- 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:56,626 Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, Counselor!
- 00:22:56,751 --> 00:22:58,461 Oh, my God! Dr. Adams!
- 00:23:00,838 --> 00:23:02,340 He got a full dose of the stars.
- 00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,300 Yeah, with nobody around to say anything.
- 00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:05,676 Can you imagine it, Stan?
- 00:23:05,802 --> 00:23:08,638 A mind emptied by that thing?
- 00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:11,349 Wow, what a day this has been.
- 00:23:11,474 --> 00:23:14,227 I was on TV, and I'm a hero!
- 00:23:14,352 --> 00:23:15,978 Don't pick your nose, hon!
- 00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:17,647 God damn it, Ma! I wasn't picking it!
- 00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:19,023 I had an itch!
- 00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:21,818 <i>♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:23:21,943 --> 00:23:24,237 <i>♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:23:24,362 --> 00:23:26,614 <i>♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,283 <i>♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.</i>
- 00:00:02,169 --> 00:00:04,046 [cheers and applause]
- 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,048 Hello, everyone. I'm Trey Parker.
- 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,842 And I'm Matt Stone, and we're doing what we do best...
- 00:00:07,967 --> 00:00:11,846 all: Bakin' bacon with Macon!
- 00:00:11,971 --> 00:00:13,639 That's right, and here to help us
- 00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:15,182 is our old buddy, Macon.
- 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:17,476 [Macon oinks, crowd cheers]
- 00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,311 Nobody likes bakin' bacon more than Macon.
- 00:00:19,437 --> 00:00:21,188 That's true, if someone's bakin' bacon,
- 00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:23,024 Macon's heart starts breaking if he's forsaken.
- 00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:24,692 Well, today we're gonna make a bacon dish
- 00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:26,152 that you kids can all make at home,
- 00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:28,362 Western Iowa Bacon Casserole.
- 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:29,864 [audience oohs]
- 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:32,408 First off, let's cook the bacon.
- 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,285 Butter.
- 00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:36,620 Bacon. Salt.
- 00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:38,706 Mmm, that smells good.
- 00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:40,791 You like that, Macon? [Macon oinks]
- 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:41,792 You better give Macon his treat.
- 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,627 Oh, right.
- 00:00:43,753 --> 00:00:44,879 Now, what we've done for Macon is,
- 00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:46,672 we've taken some bacon
- 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,716 and we've wrapped it around some pork sausages.
- 00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:50,551 This is one of Macon's favorite treats.
- 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,511 All right, buddy. Here you go, here you go.
- 00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:53,763 Yeah!
- 00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,765 Come on, come on.
- 00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,641 [laughter]
- 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,435 Once the bacon is done, we chop it up
- 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,936 and then get a casserole dish
- 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:01,937 where we add our other ingredients.
- 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:03,397 That's right.
- 00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,024 Frozen hash browns on the bottom.
- 00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:06,525 Bacon in the middle.
- 00:01:08,778 --> 00:01:10,279 Some processed cheese item.
- 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:13,115 More bacon. - More bacon.
- 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,117 - And then we're gonna top it all off with bacon.
- 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,078 [audience oohs]
- 00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:20,206 Now, we're gonna bake this for 30 minutes at 450 degrees.
- 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:21,665 And while we're waiting, let's watch
- 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,250 our favorite episode of "South Park."
- 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,127 It's all about the boys' haunting trip
- 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,921 to the planetarium and Cartman's quest to be a star.
- 00:01:27,046 --> 00:01:28,380 That's right, you know, most people don't know it,
- 00:01:28,506 --> 00:01:30,382 but this episode is actually a parody
- 00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:33,135 of an old "Star Trek" episode called "Dagger of the Mind."
- 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,554 And so that's why we decided to call this episode
- 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,765 "Roger Ebert Should Eat Less Fatty Foods."
- 00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,350 [laughter and applause]
- 00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:41,143 Enjoy the show, and we'll be back
- 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,771 with Western Idaho Bacon Casserole.
- 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,898 [cheers and applause]
- 00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:55,783 <i>[twangy music]</i>
- 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,368 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:57,493 --> 00:01:59,120 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:00,955 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,748 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,208 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,960 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:07,670 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,380 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- 00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:10,881 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,591 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:15,970 [singing indistinctly]
- 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,471 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,974 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:22,184 <i>Well, Detective, it looks like you fooled them again.</i>
- 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,270 <i>All in a day's work, I guess.</i>
- 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:26,397 <i>I just hope that next time I don't have to run so much.</i>
- 00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:28,023 ♪♪
- 00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,817 Okay, children, what do you think
- 00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:31,610 Barnaby Jones meant when he said,
- 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,363 "This is not a victimless crime"?
- 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,823 Anybody?
- 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,741 Children, were you paying attention?
- 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:39,451 Mr. Garrison, we've been watching
- 00:02:39,577 --> 00:02:40,828 "Barnaby Jones" repeats for eight days now.
- 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,371 It's hard to keep paying attention.
- 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,248 Oh, well, excuse me, Kyle.
- 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,292 Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?
- 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,210 Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones,
- 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,337 and then let's see how far you get in society.
- 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,173 Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us
- 00:02:52,298 --> 00:02:54,466 how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?
- 00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:55,509 Can't we just be like normal third graders
- 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,011 for a little while?
- 00:02:57,136 --> 00:02:58,762 Oh, and what do you consider normal?
- 00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:00,222 I don't know, like learn about art and music
- 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,682 and go on field trips and stuff.
- 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,601 [all] Yeah! - Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants,
- 00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:06,562 it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow.
- 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:07,730 [all] Hooray! - To where?
- 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,106 To the planetarium.
- 00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:10,357 [all] Aww!
- 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,067 Planetariums suck.
- 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,694 Oh, now, what's wrong with a planetarium?
- 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,362 It's boring.
- 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:16,697 Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
- 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,699 Well, too bad, you're all going
- 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,409 to the planetarium tomorrow, and you're all gonna love it.
- 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,661 In the meantime, we're gonna watch episode #203,
- 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,914 "Barnaby Under Siege." [children groan]
- 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:26,457 Oh, sorry, I taped these at home,
- 00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:28,250 so there's more commercials.
- 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,960 <i>Hey, kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?</i>
- 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,754 [all] Yes.
- 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,464 <i>Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid</i>
- 00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,466 <i>to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song.</i>
- 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,343 <i>Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.</i>
- 00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:39,011 I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
- 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:40,763 <i>If you win, you could be picked</i>
- 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,556 <i>to be in our next Cheesy Poof commercial.</i>
- 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,183 <i>So remember... ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:45,976 <i>♪ You love "Cheesy Poofs" ♪</i>
- 00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:47,061 <i>♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:03:47,186 --> 00:03:49,438 <i>♪ We'd be lame ♪</i>
- 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:50,898 Okay, children, let's quiet down
- 00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,274 so the nice bus driver
- 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,068 can concentrate on the road.
- 00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:55,945 That ain't how you do it! You do it like this!
- 00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:58,280 Sit down and shut up!
- 00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,823 Ow, Jesus, lady!
- 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:02,493 [all] Whoa! - This is the planetarium!
- 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,870 Watch your step on the way down so as not to hurt yourselves!
- 00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:06,622 Ow.
- 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,457 Okay, children, now, I'm going to remind you
- 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,918 that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel.
- 00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:12,461 Let's behave ourselves.
- 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,129 Does your child have what it takes
- 00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,714 to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
- 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,174 Hey, there it is!
- 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,384 We're going around the country
- 00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,052 to find the kid who can sing
- 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,553 the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
- 00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:23,097 I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song
- 00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:25,140 with both hands tied behind my back.
- 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:26,934 - You couldn't get both your arms behind your back, fat-ass.
- 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,686 Come on, Eric, we're going to the planetarium.
- 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:29,728 But I have to go sing the Cheesy Poofs song
- 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,188 for that talent van!
- 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,856 No, you have to go in this building
- 00:04:32,982 --> 00:04:34,066 and see a bunch of stupid stars, now, come on.
- 00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:37,152 [yelling indistinctly]
- 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,116 Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams.
- 00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,410 Welcome to the planet-arium.
- 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,203 I thought it was planetarium?
- 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,330 Well, it is, but I have a bone disease
- 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:49,957 which impedes my ability
- 00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,001 to pronounce the "T" in planet-arium.
- 00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,003 That's a pretty weird bone disease.
- 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:57,089 Yes, perhaps someday I can get a bone marrow transplant.
- 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:58,966 Yes, little boy?
- 00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:00,801 How long is that Cheesy Poof van gonna be outside?
- 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,636 Well, I don't know, but anyway, boys and girls,
- 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:05,556 soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe.
- 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:08,726 But first I want to show you how the planet-arium works.
- 00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:11,103 As if we care?
- 00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:12,771 Hey, who are you?
- 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,399 Little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
- 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,192 I love my work.
- 00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:18,861 Wow, dude, you're only as old as us.
- 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,863 Shouldn't you be in school? - I love my work.
- 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,698 <i>[ominous music]</i>
- 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,659 Come on, let's get into the planet-arium, shall we?
- 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,996 Good morning, children, and welcome to the planet-arium.
- 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,373 We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe.
- 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,375 So I want you to lean back
- 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,918 in your chairs and get comfortable.
- 00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:36,420 This is stupid.
- 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:37,921 And now I'm going to dim the lights
- 00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:41,091 and let the stars... come out.
- 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,010 Whoopee.
- 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,804 Here we see the constellation called the Big Dipper.
- 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:49,391 If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...
- 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,353 we see where this constellation gets its name.
- 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,980 These stars over here form the constellation
- 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:56,857 of Taurus, the bull.
- 00:05:56,982 --> 00:06:00,986 While these stars form the constellation Roger Ebert.
- 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,821 And these two little stars over here
- 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,908 form the constellation the Crusades.
- 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,911 Now, stars are actually made of hot gas,
- 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,621 which is exactly what comes out of--
- 00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,122 Ah, man, screw this.
- 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,168 And now breathe deep as the stars
- 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:19,922 slowly start to move in little circles.
- 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:23,342 I know you think planet-ariums are boring,
- 00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:27,137 but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
- 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,764 ♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:29,765 ♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:30,849 ♪ We'd be lame ♪
- 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,101 That was great, Tommy!
- 00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:33,227 Tommy Frets from Torey Pines.
- 00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:34,895 He could be our winner.
- 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,897 Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass.
- 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,482 Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
- 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,942 Eric Cartman.
- 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:40,943 All right, here's Eric Cartman
- 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,236 giving it a shot.
- 00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:43,487 - [grunts] - [clears throat]
- 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,280 ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,074 ♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:48,784 ♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:52,037 ♪ We'd be... lame! ♪
- 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,539 ♪ I'm talking "Night Court ♪
- 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:57,334 ♪ In its fifth season" lame... ♪
- 00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,754 Wow! - That's right, suck on that.
- 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,923 Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
- 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,591 Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
- 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:07,177 Me neither! But I loved the planetarium.
- 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,846 Me too. It was sweet.
- 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,639 Really? What did you like best about it?
- 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,224 I don't know.
- 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:13,517 I don't even remember what happened.
- 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,018 Wait a minute, where is Eric?
- 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,728 I did it! I did it! - Did what?
- 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:18,397 I got a callback for the Cheesy Poofs song!
- 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,274 You snuck off and sang that stupid song?
- 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:21,942 Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!
- 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,194 Good-bye, children. Thanks for visiting.
- 00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,696 Don't forget, we have laser rock shows
- 00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,781 at night here at the planet-arium.
- 00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:32,286 This week it's laser Kenny Loggins and laser James Taylor.
- 00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:34,288 My head still feels funny. - Yeah, mine too.
- 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,999 Hey, guys, when I'm doing the Cheesy Poof commercials,
- 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,001 I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
- 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,544 Like you really need it, hippo ass.
- 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:41,879 It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle.
- 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:43,172 It really is.
- 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:44,673 [screams] - [screams]
- 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,175 Whoa, dude, who the hell are you?
- 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:49,428 My... name... is... Van Gelder.
- 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,138 Van Gelder? What the hell are you doing on our bus?
- 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:52,931 Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid
- 00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,683 from the planetarium on our bus!
- 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,851 Oh, great, well, I guess we have to go back.
- 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,769 No! Don't go back! No!
- 00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,938 Hey, be careful, asshole.
- 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,566 Don't take me back there! Can't! Can't!
- 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,110 All right, dude. Mellow out! Jeez.
- 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,613 We better get him to the nurse's office, stat.
- 00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,031 ♪♪
- 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,700 Ah! The planetarium!
- 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,411 I'll give him a painkiller. That should calm him down.
- 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:16,413 No! No painkiller! I'll be okay.
- 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:17,748 Okay, Van Gelder? - [screams]
- 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,583 Mm-kay, I'm Counselor Mackey.
- 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,543 Have you been smoking mari-ju-ana?
- 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,545 Mari-ju-ana's bad, mm-kay?
- 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,590 Must tell... the machine...
- 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,842 the machine is...
- 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,511 I've never seen anything like this.
- 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,929 What do you think, Principal?
- 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:33,263 Well, whatever happened to him,
- 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,723 happened at the planetarium.
- 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,767 Ah! Planetarium! - I think tonight
- 00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,977 the planetarium's doing laser Loggins.
- 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,313 I might have to check it out. - [screams]
- 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:44,483 <i>[Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" playing]</i>
- 00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,193 <i>♪ I'm turning it loose ♪</i>
- 00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:47,986 <i>♪ Footloose ♪</i>
- 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,696 <i>♪ Kick off the Sunday shoes ♪</i>
- 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,532 Oh, man, this is boring!
- 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:53,951 Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?
- 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,827 Dude, this is totally killer.
- 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:58,789 I hope this goes on for, like, seven months, man.
- 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,083 <i>♪ Come on before we crack ♪</i>
- 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,502 ♪♪
- 00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,587 You will not remember what happens here.
- 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:09,550 To remember it will cause incredible pain.
- 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:12,302 Incredible pain!
- 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,681 Incredible, icky pain!
- 00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,558 Dude, I'm totally tripping. - Dude, this is totally killer.
- 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,396 [bell ringing]
- 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:23,939 Okay, children, today we're going to learn
- 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,067 all about Japanese poems called "haiku."
- 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,778 A haiku is just like a normal American poem
- 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,614 except that it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.
- 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,492 For example... uh, where's Eric Cartman?
- 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,452 That's a haiku? - No, I'm asking why
- 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,580 Eric Cartman isn't at school. - Oh.
- 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,290 Was he on the school bus this morning?
- 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:42,499 No.
- 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:43,917 ♪ Fat ass Cartman was ♪
- 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,168 ♪ Not on the school bus today ♪
- 00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:46,628 ♪ What a big fat turd ♪
- 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,505 Oh, very good haiku, Kyle.
- 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,424 Yes, haikus have five syllables,
- 00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:52,384 then seven, then five.
- 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,261 Kenny, can you give us another example?
- 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:59,308 [mumbling]
- 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:00,851 [laughter]
- 00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,603 What's a discharge?
- 00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,187 Mr. Garrison, since haikus suck so much ass,
- 00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,023 can we go back to the planetarium again?
- 00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:07,357 Yeah, I want to go to the planetarium again, too.
- 00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:08,817 But you were just there.
- 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,278 Why do you want to go again so soon?
- 00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:12,863 Yeah, why do we want to go again so soon?
- 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:14,448 I don't know.
- 00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,074 I just have this sudden urge to go back.
- 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,659 Well, I guess we could go again,
- 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,578 since it's just down the street.
- 00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:20,871 Well, hello!
- 00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:22,289 It's all my little friends,
- 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:23,749 with all their little dreams.
- 00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,584 Eric, where have you been?
- 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:27,628 Let's see, where have I been? Where have I been?
- 00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:28,879 Where have you been, Cartman?
- 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,088 Well, I might have been over
- 00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,757 at the Cheesy Poof callback
- 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:34,551 winning regional championships! [all gasp]
- 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,970 This is my regional championship certificate.
- 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,889 Do you like it?
- 00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:41,183 Hey, Where's your regional champion certificate, Clyde?
- 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,976 Oh, you don't have one?
- 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,437 Hmm... do you have a regional certificate, Wendy?
- 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:48,148 No? Apparently, only I do!
- 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,524 ♪ Ass full of pork fat ♪
- 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:51,109 ♪ Jiggles like a Jell-O mold ♪
- 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,819 ♪ Mouth is flapping too ♪
- 00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:55,030 Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle.
- 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,448 I'm regional champion.
- 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,658 Does that mean you're gonna be in
- 00:10:57,783 --> 00:10:59,159 that Cheesy Poof commercial?
- 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,786 It's between me and four other kids.
- 00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:02,245 I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
- 00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:03,747 ♪ I bet you don't win ♪
- 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,499 ♪ They don't let big fat asses ♪
- 00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:07,417 ♪ Perform on TV ♪
- 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,920 Very good, Kyle. - ♪ Shut your goddamn mouth ♪
- 00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:12,839 ♪ Or else I'm gonna... kick you ♪
- 00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:16,718 ♪ Square in the balls... asshole ♪
- 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,179 Oh, damn it!
- 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,722 How's he doing, nurse?
- 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:21,973 He's stable, but I still can't get
- 00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,058 any information out of him.
- 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,101 I'm gonna sedate him now.
- 00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:25,727 No! No drugs!
- 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,270 Drugs are good, mm-kay?
- 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:29,940 Don't let them go... planetarium!
- 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,566 Why, Van Gelder?
- 00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:32,984 The machine... the machine is--
- 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,696 [screams] - The machine is... ah?
- 00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:37,364 That's probably bad.
- 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,408 - He's been talking about "the machine" for hours.
- 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,243 That and Daisy Fuentes.
- 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,745 Why? Why, "America's Funniest Home Videos," why?
- 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,748 There's only one way to get any sense out of him.
- 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,167 We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mm-kay?
- 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,794 A what?
- 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,754 It's an ancient technique handed down
- 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,424 from school counselor to school counselor.
- 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,385 I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
- 00:11:58,510 --> 00:11:59,928 Well, what will you need?
- 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,389 Just time to prepare, Nurse.
- 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:04,391 Just time.
- 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,601 Mm-kay?
- 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:09,896 Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
- 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:11,523 They just begged to come back.
- 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,358 I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
- 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,402 - Well, I'm sure we're gonna have a marvelous time.
- 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,695 Won't we, children?
- 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,321 [all] Yes.
- 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:22,409 This way, please. - Enjoy your visit.
- 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,745 Billions of stars and billions of galaxies
- 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,580 make up our universe.
- 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:29,166 Here you see Polaris, the Dog Star.
- 00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:31,168 I'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee.
- 00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:32,627 Certainly, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,300 You love the planetarium!
- 00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,095 To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain.
- 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,931 All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive.
- 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,267 To not do so makes your stomach ache
- 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,810 with needle-like stab--
- 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,103 and right over here,
- 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,481 we see the constellation Orion.
- 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:55,400 Orion's Belt is made up of three stars, one of which--
- 00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,611 Dude, what just happened? - What do you mean?
- 00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:58,862 Come on, we gotta get out of here
- 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,322 before something bad happens.
- 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,118 Don't pick your nose, hon.
- 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,745 I wasn't picking it, I had an itch,
- 00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,371 for crying out loud!
- 00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:10,207 Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
- 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:12,209 - I don't know, there's a lot of competition here.
- 00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:13,710 Do you think I might win, Mommy?
- 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,504 I hope so, honey-- then, perhaps,
- 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,172 we can eat for a little while.
- 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,965 <i>[melancholy piano music]</i>
- 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,176 - Hey, look, they're giving away bread outside!
- 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,303 Did you hear that, Mommy? - Come on!
- 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:26,848 Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!
- 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,058 Psych!
- 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,520 What the hell are you boys doing?
- 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:33,355 You're supposed to be in there.
- 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,439 Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is--
- 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,066 Shh.
- 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,734 Good-bye, children. Thanks for coming.
- 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:40,195 I want to go again. I want to go again!
- 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,364 - Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde, you just went.
- 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:45,492 Well, Clyde, if you like the planet-arium so much,
- 00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:48,286 perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
- 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,496 Yes. Yes, please.
- 00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,164 Me too! - Me too!
- 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,750 I want to do it! - Yeah, me too.
- 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:55,752 Mr. Garrison? - Well, I guess I could
- 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,379 give 'em extra credit for it.
- 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,798 Excellent! Why don't we step over here,
- 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,884 and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
- 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,344 [children cheer]
- 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:05,428 Dude, this isn't right. - What?
- 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:06,888 We're kids, dude.
- 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:07,889 We don't volunteer for anything.
- 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,641 Oh, yeah.
- 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,560 Come on, we gotta see what's going on in there.
- 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,270 Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
- 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:15,897 Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.
- 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:17,607 [humming]
- 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:19,693 He hits this switch.
- 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,488 [mumbles]
- 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:24,948 You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.
- 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,157 Yeah, I guess so.
- 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,744 [mumbles]
- 00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:31,246 What does that do? - I don't know.
- 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,791 Kenny, what's it doing?
- 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:35,876 [mumbling excitedly]
- 00:14:36,001 --> 00:14:37,043 This says "maximum."
- 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,799 Oh, my God! We've killed Kenny!
- 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,342 We're bastards!
- 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,430 Dude, I told you something was up with this place.
- 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,141 We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
- 00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:53,268 <i>[clapping rhythmically] G-O.</i>
- 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,562 ♪ G-O, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,772 ♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:04,154 [clapping rhythmically] O.
- 00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:06,072 ♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,366 ♪ Was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o ♪
- 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,953 [clapping rhythmically] Ing.
- 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:15,790 ♪ And Bingo was his name-o! ♪
- 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:19,753 Thank you, uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.
- 00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:22,255 Next will be, uh, Eric Theodore Cartman.
- 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:23,882 Hello, everybody.
- 00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,508 Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.
- 00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:26,760 I know, I know.
- 00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:32,223 ♪ She works hard for the money! ♪
- 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:33,934 ♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪
- 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,435 ♪ She works hard for the money ♪
- 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,896 ♪ So you better treat her right ♪
- 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,441 ♪ She works hard for the money ♪
- 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,318 ♪ So hard for it, honey! ♪
- 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,945 ♪ She works hard for the money ♪
- 00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,697 ♪ So you better treat her right! ♪
- 00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:55,747 Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.
- 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,666 Thank you. - We'll let you know.
- 00:15:57,791 --> 00:16:00,502 Thank you. Don't pick your nose, hon.
- 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:04,005 I'm not picking it, Ma! God damn it, I have an itch!
- 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,882 Jesus, where do we find these people?
- 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:13,473 Our minds are one, mm-kay?
- 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:17,477 Our thoughts are one, mm-kay?
- 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,521 This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
- 00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:22,148 Please, Nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head,
- 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,025 you're not being very open-minded.
- 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,321 Open your mind to your counselor.
- 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,865 Open your mind.
- 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,952 - Dr. Adams... - Yes.
- 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,870 He owns the planetarium. What about him?
- 00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:38,248 [both together] He uses the machine.
- 00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,875 The star machine. - Mm-kay?
- 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:44,212 [both together] He uses it to erase minds.
- 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,172 But why?
- 00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:49,259 [both together] Planetarium about to go out of business.
- 00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,554 Adams has to create slaves to survive.
- 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,848 My God, this is amazing.
- 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:56,933 Please, Nurse, you're throwing off my chi, mm-kay?
- 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,690 Well, we certainly want to congratulate all our finalists.
- 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,859 Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize,
- 00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:08,695 and, unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.
- 00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,196 Yes! I'm the best!
- 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,032 You were actually our last choice,
- 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,658 but the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs
- 00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:15,493 as volunteers at the planetarium.
- 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,620 That's odd. - Sweet!
- 00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,123 It appears that more and more South Park residents
- 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,126 are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium.
- 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,046 Here with a special report is a 34-year-old Asian man
- 00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,089 who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
- 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,883 Thanks, Tom, yes, indeed, the planetarium
- 00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:32,510 has become very popular as word spreads
- 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:35,764 that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected.
- 00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:38,308 I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
- 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,852 Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation
- 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,604 to all South Park residents
- 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,690 to come see a special free show this evening.
- 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,485 I guarantee it will change the way you think
- 00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,945 about the planet-arium.
- 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:53,907 So bring the whole family to the planetarium
- 00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,659 for a night of excitement and wonder.
- 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,328 And then we turned the dial,
- 00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,163 and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
- 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,290 That's a pretty farfetched story, boys.
- 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,125 But it's true, dude! - Are you boys sure
- 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,002 you're not just making this all up?
- 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:07,879 Yeah, pretty sure.
- 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,380 Well, just as soon as I handle
- 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,174 all the other crime in South Park,
- 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:12,926 I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium
- 00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,136 so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
- 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,596 What other crime in South Park?
- 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,140 Oh, yeah. Let's go.
- 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,934 Okay, let's shoot the commercial.
- 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,644 Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
- 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,563 I'm over here! - Oh, you look great, hon.
- 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,357 Mommy's fat little piggy.
- 00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:28,817 Hey!
- 00:18:28,942 --> 00:18:30,360 Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
- 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:33,571 Okay, roll camera, and... action!
- 00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,157 ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪ - Oh, wait! Wait!
- 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,034 You've got a little eye booger, hon.
- 00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,912 Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake! - Got it!
- 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:43,123 And... action. - ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪
- 00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:44,666 Hold it! Cut!
- 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,251 Can we get more light on that backdrop?
- 00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,670 Sure thing. - Oh, man, come on.
- 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,338 Got it.
- 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,924 Okay, here we go, and... action!
- 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:54,759 ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy ♪
- 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:56,553 Cut! - What?
- 00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,179 I'm not liking the shoes. Can we change the shoes?
- 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,598 Oh, God damn it!
- 00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:03,017 Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
- 00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:05,436 Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
- 00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:06,896 What brings you out here?
- 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,273 Well, these boys seem to think
- 00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:09,983 you're some kind of sick weirdo
- 00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:12,402 that's got a master plan to screw with the minds
- 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:13,903 of everyone in town.
- 00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,780 [laughs]
- 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,782 Oh, really?
- 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,617 Yeah, I just thought I'd come show them around
- 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,162 so they know there's nothing to be scared of.
- 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,831 Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.
- 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,499 Okay, I'll be quick then.
- 00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:29,002 Of course, Officer, come on in.
- 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,423 Hello, children.
- 00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:35,300 Oh, no. They got Chef too!
- 00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,635 Welcome to the planetarium.
- 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,429 Well, it's nice to see you finally got
- 00:19:39,554 --> 00:19:41,097 a real job, Chef.
- 00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:43,391 I love my work.
- 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,893 I know what you mean.
- 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,644 I've always loved the planetarium too.
- 00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,314 Would you like to see the stars, Officer?
- 00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:51,524 [both] No! - That would be superduper!
- 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,526 Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
- 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,945 <i>Hello?</i> - Hi, Grandma, it's me, Eric!
- 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,447 Oh, hello, Eric!
- 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,949 Grandma sure has missed you.
- 00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:01,659 I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be
- 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,661 on television tonight, so be sure to watch.
- 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,455 Oh, I will, Eric.
- 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,916 You know, I remember when I was a little girl
- 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,084 and had my first talent show audition--
- 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:12,253 Okay, bye.
- 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,464 <i>Hello, the Marshes aren't in right now.</i>
- 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:15,965 <i>Please leave a message.</i> [machine beeps]
- 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:17,425 Stan, I'm gonna be on TV tonight.
- 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,718 Be sure to watch.
- 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,055 <i>Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis.</i>
- 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,765 <i>Please leave a message.</i>
- 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,725 Where the hell is everybody?
- 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,810 I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
- 00:20:27,936 --> 00:20:30,438 And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
- 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,941 Oh, neato!
- 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,443 And now, Officer, from this moment on,
- 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,695 you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
- 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,739 Oh?
- 00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,532 To not be Elvis will cause you great pain!
- 00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:44,035 Pain. - You see, children?
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,787 There's no stopping me.
- 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:46,955 Even your highly intelligent policemen
- 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,040 are no match for me.
- 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,792 He's not highly intelligent. - Why are you doing this, dude?
- 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,961 Why? Because nowadays, kids have computers
- 00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:55,004 and surround sound television.
- 00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:57,423 They've forgotten all about planet-ariums,
- 00:20:57,548 --> 00:21:01,844 but I'll make 'em remember, starting with the two of you!
- 00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,429 <i>"Terrence and Phillip" will be right back</i>
- 00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:04,597 <i>after these announcements.</i>
- 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,932 Oh, dude, here it comes!
- 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:08,017 <i>Packed full of ingredients,</i>
- 00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,769 <i>Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up!</i>
- 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:12,605 <i>So remember: ♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:15,358 <i>♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:21:15,483 --> 00:21:17,902 <i>♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:20,405 <i>♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.</i>
- 00:21:20,530 --> 00:21:22,073 <i>And now back to "Terrence and Phillip."</i>
- 00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,117 Yes! Yes, that was me!
- 00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:26,536 I was on television!
- 00:21:26,661 --> 00:21:29,664 Aha! Caught you red-handed, mm-kay?
- 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,958 Mr. Mackey! - Officer Barbrady.
- 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:35,086 This man is using some kind of mind control.
- 00:21:35,211 --> 00:21:38,256 [mumbling indistinctly as Elvis]
- 00:21:38,381 --> 00:21:39,757 What's wrong with him?
- 00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:43,094 [mumbling indistinctly as Elvis]
- 00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:45,805 Oh, no, apparently he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
- 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:47,682 No, you idiot. He thinks he's Elvis.
- 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,977 Elvis, escort our guests to the planet-arium.
- 00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:52,687 [as Elvis] Folks, if you wouldn't mind,
- 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:53,813 could you please follow me?
- 00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:55,106 Uh-oh. - [singing]
- 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,572 Well, let's begin, shall we?
- 00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:04,782 And now you will remember nothing
- 00:22:04,907 --> 00:22:06,451 except that the planet-arium
- 00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,369 is the best thing you've ever known.
- 00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:13,166 Well, well, well, you guys can all kiss my ass
- 00:22:13,291 --> 00:22:15,877 because I was on television!
- 00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:18,880 [whirring intensifies]
- 00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:22,050 Hey, didn't you guys hear? I was on television!
- 00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:23,676 You missed it!
- 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:25,219 You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!
- 00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:26,763 [metal creaks]
- 00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:28,348 Planetariums suck ass!
- 00:22:28,473 --> 00:22:31,184 [pulsing intensifies]
- 00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:33,186 Ugh... ugh!
- 00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,687 Cartman, you saved us!
- 00:22:34,812 --> 00:22:35,938 The hell are you talking about?
- 00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:38,066 Get over here and untie us.
- 00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:40,568 Eric, you really saved the day, mm-kay?
- 00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:42,862 Not so fast there, tubby.
- 00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,072 I'm just taking care of business.
- 00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,823 Think hard, Elvis.
- 00:22:45,948 --> 00:22:47,575 You're not really the king of rock 'n' roll.
- 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,619 You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman
- 00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:52,205 in a small town, mm-kay?
- 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:56,626 Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, Counselor!
- 00:22:56,751 --> 00:22:58,461 Oh, my God! Dr. Adams!
- 00:23:00,838 --> 00:23:02,340 He got a full dose of the stars.
- 00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:04,300 Yeah, with nobody around to say anything.
- 00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:05,676 Can you imagine it, Stan?
- 00:23:05,802 --> 00:23:08,638 A mind emptied by that thing?
- 00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:11,349 Wow, what a day this has been.
- 00:23:11,474 --> 00:23:14,227 I was on TV, and I'm a hero!
- 00:23:14,352 --> 00:23:15,978 Don't pick your nose, hon!
- 00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:17,647 God damn it, Ma! I wasn't picking it!
- 00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:19,023 I had an itch!
- 00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:21,818 <i>♪ I love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:23:21,943 --> 00:23:24,237 <i>♪ You love Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:23:24,362 --> 00:23:26,614 <i>♪ If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs ♪</i>
- 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,283 <i>♪ We'd be ♪ - Lame.</i>
- 00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:37,417 ♪♪
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