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Город на краю вечности
City on the Edge of Forever
Сезон: 02Серия: 07
Описание
Друзья вспоминают прошлое, застряв в школьном автобусе на краю пропасти, а мисс Крабтри находит любовь и становится стенд-ап-комиком.
Субтитры
- 00:00:03,587 --> 00:00:05,131 Hello, everybody. I'm Matt Stone.
- 00:00:05,256 --> 00:00:06,841 And I'm Trey Parker. This here is Macon.
- 00:00:06,966 --> 00:00:09,135 Say hi, old fella.
- 00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:10,970 We're back to show you the versatility and nutrition
- 00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:12,596 of one of nature's perfect foods...
- 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:13,681 Bacon!
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018 That's right, today, we're gonna make
- 00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:18,519 French bacon sandwiches.
- 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:19,770 How does that sound?
- 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,482 Let's start by cooking the bacon.
- 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:25,401 Butter.
- 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,070 Bacon. Salt.
- 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,739 Ooh, doesn't that smell good, Macon?
- 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,409 Well, while we're waiting for our bacon to cook,
- 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,702 let's watch our favorite episode of "South Park."
- 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,704 It's called "Flashbacks."
- 00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:38,497 It's all about the kids getting stuck on the school bus
- 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,499 and their driver, Ms. Crabtree, falling in love.
- 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,084 Flashback episodes are what you do
- 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,711 when you're near the end of a season
- 00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:44,962 and you're fresh out of new ideas.
- 00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:49,091 Hey, you ready for some bacon, Macon?
- 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,510 Macon loves bacon.
- 00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:53,888 Okay, you want it? You want it? Do you want it?
- 00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:56,891 Yeah, that's a buddy. A little more bacon.
- 00:00:57,016 --> 00:00:58,851 Little more bacon. Yeah.
- 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,520 So sit back, relax, and enjoy "Flashbacks."
- 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,731 And when we return, French bacon sandwiches.
- 00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:04,899 Mmm.
- 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:18,329 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:18,454 --> 00:01:20,372 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:22,124 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,043 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,503 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,171 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:28,881 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,674 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,176 - ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,469 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:38,766 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:40,935 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,232 Be quiet back there!
- 00:01:46,357 --> 00:01:48,067 These roads are slick!
- 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,069 Hey, Cartman! - What?
- 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,821 Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
- 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:54,448 Hmm, let me think... no. - Come on, fat ass!
- 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,242 You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway.
- 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,369 Mmm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
- 00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:00,913 Give us some, Cartman! - Be quiet back there!
- 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,374 Whoa dude, the road is really snowy out there.
- 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:05,084 Dude, the road is always snowy.
- 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:06,418 I know, but it's <i>really</i> snowy today.
- 00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:07,962 Mmm...
- 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:10,798 I can't possibly finish this whole cake.
- 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:11,841 Oh, yes, I can.
- 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,425 Shut up, Cartman!
- 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,181 Okay, that does it!
- 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:22,935 Y'all be quiet, or the cute little bunny dies!
- 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,944 Dude, she always tries to quiet us down
- 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,237 by threatening to kill that bunny,
- 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,697 but I wonder if she ever would.
- 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,532 Oh, she would, dude. She would.
- 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,704 Oh, for Christ's sake, I don't believe this!
- 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,628 Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
- 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:52,423 I cannot possibly eat one more bit
- 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:54,633 of this chocolatey goodness.
- 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,719 Oh, wait, wait, I'll try.
- 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,096 Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat!
- 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:01,682 What did you say?!
- 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:04,059 Uh-oh.
- 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,061 Hold on!
- 00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:13,444 I'm scared! - Be quiet, kids!
- 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:21,660 And right up here you can see a red-bellied chickadee.
- 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,621 They're indigenous to this area.
- 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,001 What was that? - What was what?
- 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,384 All done.
- 00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:40,054 Sit down and shut up!
- 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,681 I said quiet!
- 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:44,683 Or else I kill the bunny!
- 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,479 Where are we? - I have no idea.
- 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,105 I don't think we're in a very safe spot.
- 00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:51,815 - Yeah, what are we supposed to do?
- 00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,067 Just keep your traps shut.
- 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:55,027 I'll consult the manual.
- 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,742 Miss Crabtree? - Shut up, kid!
- 00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,662 I have to watch a training video!
- 00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,288 <i>Hello, and welcome to tape seven</i>
- 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,082 <i>of the bus driver's video guidebook,</i>
- 00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:10,251 <i>"What to Do If You Become Stranded."</i>
- 00:04:10,376 --> 00:04:11,919 <i>By now you've calmed down the children</i>
- 00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,504 <i>and kept order by using the "keep quiet</i>
- 00:04:13,629 --> 00:04:14,838 <i>or I'll kill the bunny" technique.</i>
- 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,465 <i>Now it's time to get help.</i>
- 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,092 <i>The most important thing to remember</i>
- 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,052 <i>is that the children will be safe</i>
- 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,637 <i>as long as they stay on the bus.</i>
- 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,514 <i>So do not, under any circumstances,</i>
- 00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:25,516 <i>let any children off the bus.</i>
- 00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:27,518 <i>The best way to achieve this is to tell them</i>
- 00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:29,520 <i>something like, "A big scary monster</i>
- 00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:31,438 <i>will eat you if you step off the bus."</i>
- 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,316 - Kids, do not get off this bus!
- 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:37,361 If you do, a big, scary monster will eat you!
- 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:39,154 <i>- That's right. With the children</i>
- 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,739 <i>properly subdued, you can leave the bus</i>
- 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,366 <i>and go out looking for assistance.</i>
- 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:43,742 <i>And remember your bus driver's code:</i>
- 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,244 <i>"Sit down and shut up."</i>
- 00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:46,537 I'm going for help!
- 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,122 I'll be back as soon as I can!
- 00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:50,040 Remember, don't get off this bus
- 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,459 or a big, scary monster will eat you!
- 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,132 Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her?
- 00:04:58,257 --> 00:04:59,758 'Cause, dumb-ass, scary monsters don't eat
- 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,135 big fat smelly bitches.
- 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,137 What did you say?!
- 00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:05,931 I said Larry King will grant me three wishes!
- 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,016 Oh.
- 00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,600 Dude, this is not good.
- 00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:11,020 She could have at least left the heat on.
- 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:15,899 Had to happen to me, didn't it?
- 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,487 ♪ Looking for love in all the wrong places ♪
- 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,906 ♪ Looking for love in too... ♪
- 00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:24,366 Oh, it's supper time.
- 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,910 Come to papa.
- 00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:29,496 Oh, hello, little lady. Going my way?
- 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:31,915 Shut up and help me into this thing!
- 00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:33,959 Oh, okay.
- 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,170 Come on, I haven't got all day!
- 00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:37,963 All right, sure, of course.
- 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,969 Take me to the nearest town,
- 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,929 and make it snappy, you freak-ass crackpot!
- 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,182 Y-yes, ma'am, right away, ma'am.
- 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,601 So, uh, what's a fragile little doll like yourself
- 00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,561 doing out on a-- on a night like this?
- 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,772 Look, mister, I got a busload of kids
- 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:56,440 trapped up on that pass.
- 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:58,984 I need a crane, helicopters, all that crap!
- 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:02,237 Here, let me have some of your aspirin!
- 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,615 Ma'am, those are actually <i>roofies.</i>
- 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:05,699 Roofies, aspirin-- right now,
- 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,034 I don't give a rat's ass!
- 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,952 How far to the nearest town?
- 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,829 Mm... it's a ways.
- 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,625 You guys, what if Miss Crabtree doesn't come back
- 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:16,377 and we're all trapped here forever?
- 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:19,588 We couldn't get trapped here forever, Cartman.
- 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,881 We'd die after a couple of days.
- 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,884 Dude! - What?
- 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,636 I don't want to die on this bus with you assholes.
- 00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:27,638 You guys suck! - Will you just relax?
- 00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:29,056 We've been in a lot worse situations than this
- 00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,599 and come out of it just fine.
- 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,809 Worse than this? - Well, sure.
- 00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,519 Don't you remember that time
- 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:34,686 that the aliens kidnapped your little brother, Ike?
- 00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:37,022 Now <i>that</i> was scary.
- 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,649 How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
- 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,317 I think we have to signal them somehow.
- 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,860 Ow!
- 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:44,238 Hey! He's like Rudolph! - Yeah!
- 00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,073 All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman,
- 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,158 and the visitors are sure to come!
- 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:52,329 Really? Uh... I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
- 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,540 Sure you do! - Come on Cartman, fart!
- 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,875 I don't wanna! - He can't hold it in forever.
- 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,127 Fart, damn you!
- 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,087 Okay, that does it!
- 00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,548 Now, listen, why is it that everything today
- 00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:04,883 has involved things either going in
- 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,885 or coming out of my ass?
- 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,429 Whoa. Look at that!
- 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,264 It's completely immature!
- 00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:13,767 Hey, it's happening again!
- 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,185 It's an ice cream truck!
- 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,728 Now do you believe us, Cartman?
- 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:18,480 You guys can't scare me.
- 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,857 Cartman, there's an ice cream truck
- 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:20,858 sticking out of your ass!
- 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,531 Hey look, the aliens are getting ice cream!
- 00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:30,242 Wow! I guess everything's gonna be okay.
- 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:35,330 Now that was what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:36,748 You can say that again.
- 00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:38,000 - Was that how it happened?
- 00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:42,921 Stop! Let me off, you turd!
- 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,548 Hey, I want to help you.
- 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:45,924 I care a lot about that busload of, uh,
- 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,259 what was it again?
- 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,927 Children. - Yeah, right.
- 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,137 Let me come with you.
- 00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,894 What the hell is this crap?!
- 00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:58,520 I hate flying.
- 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,981 Talk about something I hate, it's flying.
- 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,150 Say, are those roofies kicking in yet?
- 00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:04,943 Well, I don't think so!
- 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,029 Damn. - You guys like impressions?
- 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,655 No!
- 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:09,656 Here's my impression of Robert De Niro.
- 00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:10,657 "Hey, yous.
- 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:11,742 "Yous guys.
- 00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:12,993 Shut up, yous."
- 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,411 You suck!
- 00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,331 "Yous guys shut up."
- 00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:20,792 - Sit down and shut up!
- 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,711 Come on, lady! I love you.
- 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,087 You love me!
- 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,633 I said sit down and shut up!
- 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,139 Baby, you're wonderful. You're a natural.
- 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,099 You're the funniest comic I've seen in years.
- 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,352 Why don't you just shut the hell up?!
- 00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,561 I've got to get some assistance
- 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,313 to my broken-down bus!
- 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,732 Broken-down bus! That's great! Great angle.
- 00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:47,152 Do you see her, dude? - Nope.
- 00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,154 God damn it, how long is this gonna take?
- 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,365 She's never coming back. Don't you get it?
- 00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:53,242 She's left us here to die like pigs.
- 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,202 Calm down, dude, you're upsetting Kenny.
- 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,579 Huh? - I can't take it anymore.
- 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,831 I have to get out of here!
- 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,500 No kid, you heard what Miss Crabtree said,
- 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,419 there's a big, black, scary monster out there.
- 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,004 Well, I'm not gonna sit here
- 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,506 and wait to die with the rest of you!
- 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,174 If I make it back, I'll send help.
- 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,425 Don't do it, kid.
- 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:20,811 Hmm, maybe Miss Crabtree did make up that stuff
- 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,729 about the big black monster.
- 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,860 Holy crap, dude!
- 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:41,790 Gross!
- 00:09:45,711 --> 00:09:47,754 Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus.
- 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:54,386 Hello?
- 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:55,596 Oh hello, Miss Cartman,
- 00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,264 It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
- 00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,391 Oh yes, Sharon, how are you?
- 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,393 Miss Cartman, is your son at home?
- 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,020 Hold on, dear, let me check.
- 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:07,065 Hon, I made beefy logs!
- 00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,443 I made cookie dings!
- 00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:11,111 No, he's not here.
- 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:12,279 Well, now I am worried.
- 00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:13,655 I've tried all the houses,
- 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,449 and nobody knows where they are.
- 00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:16,533 Oh, dear.
- 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,663 I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is a natural.
- 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,874 I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich.
- 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,667 What's her angle? - I can't even explain it.
- 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,294 You have to see it. - All right.
- 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,254 This better be good.
- 00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:31,048 Come on in, come on in.
- 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,467 - What the hell did you bring me to Denver for,
- 00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:35,761 you brain-depraved fecalphiliac?!
- 00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,763 Mr. Jonas, this is Mrs. Crabtree.
- 00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:39,264 Pleasure to meet you.
- 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:40,641 You look like a lump of dog shit
- 00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,768 that just got hit by a car!
- 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,019 What did I tell you?
- 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,771 She's fantastic.
- 00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:47,272 How would you like to make a million dollars, baby?
- 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,441 How'd you like to suck my ass?!
- 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:50,692 - Let's get started right away.
- 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,693 You gonna be all right?
- 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,195 Don't touch me!
- 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,571 I'm sorry, do you need anything?
- 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,573 No, I just... - What?
- 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:59,660 I can't help but feel like I've forgotten something.
- 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,666 What time is it?
- 00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,167 On Wednesday or Thursday?
- 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:09,086 Dude, I think it's Saturday now.
- 00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:11,088 What? I'm missing the new "Fantasy Island"!
- 00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:12,964 Oh man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus.
- 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,633 Well, we can't go anywhere, or else
- 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,301 that big scary monster outside will get us.
- 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:17,594 What do you think it is? - I don't know.
- 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,179 It's a big, scary monster.
- 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,597 Hey, maybe it's that thing Skuzzlebutt!
- 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,599 What? - Don't you remember?
- 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,267 That time we were up camping with your uncle Jimbo and Ned?
- 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,689 That lava's coming right for us!
- 00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:30,273 Help!
- 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,367 Jiminy Poke! It's the real Skuzzlebutt!
- 00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:41,952 What? Skuzzlebutt's real?
- 00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:44,871 Oh my God! Look at his leg!
- 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,916 Hi, kids. I'm TV's Brent Musburger.
- 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,960 Dude, he's got Brent Musburger for a leg!
- 00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:53,547 Quick, Ned, shoot it!
- 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,757 Mm, oh, no, out of ammo.
- 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,551 Hey, look!
- 00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,553 Dude, he's making ice cream!
- 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,390 Skuzzlebutt kicks ass.
- 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:07,018 Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,770 Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside
- 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,814 can't be Skuzzlebutt 'cause Skuzzlebutt's nice.
- 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:13,191 Hey, maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,943 - Don't be stupid, Cartman, our teacher wouldn't be out
- 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,653 lying in the forest waiting to kill us.
- 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,280 Oh, no?
- 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,781 Don't you remember the time he went crazy
- 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,032 and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford?
- 00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,784 Here she comes!
- 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,502 Come on, you little bitch.
- 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:35,005 It is with great pride and honor
- 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:39,009 that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford
- 00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,594 to South Park.
- 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,348 Thank you.
- 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,436 Mr. Garrison, stop! - Leave us.
- 00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,480 We must finish what we have begun.
- 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,190 But Mr. Garrison!
- 00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,441 She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,568 She's some kind of alien.
- 00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,820 Thank you. I love you all.
- 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,038 See, I told you.
- 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:12,459 Well, this is going to put a damper on the day.
- 00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:15,837 Let's have ice cream, everyone!
- 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,506 Beefcake!
- 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,800 Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,261 But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison
- 00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:24,721 'cause Mr. Garrison used a gun.
- 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:25,972 Oh, yeah.
- 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,641 <i>Live from Burbank,</i>
- 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,267 <i>it's "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"!</i>
- 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,269 <i>Tonight, Jay's special guests include</i>
- 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,271 <i>Washed Up Actress From a Sitcom</i>
- 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,066 <i>and the comedy of Mrs. Crabtree.</i>
- 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:38,443 <i>And now here's your host, Jay Leno!</i>
- 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,653 Just relax, sweetheart.
- 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:40,654 You're gonna kill out there.
- 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:41,988 Kill who?!
- 00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,240 That's great, use that.
- 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,908 Honey, do you need anything?
- 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,493 Just give me another one of them roofies.
- 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,328 Sure.
- 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,289 O-okay, I-let's try to calm down, mm-kay?
- 00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:53,708 This type of thing happens all the time.
- 00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,544 What do you mean?
- 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,921 How often does an entire third grade class go missing?
- 00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,508 - Well, 99% of the time when a child is missing
- 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:04,386 it's because they've run away, mm-kay?
- 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,514 Run away? - Oy.
- 00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:10,392 I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that <i>gafagahaga.</i>
- 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,686 How do we get our runaway children back?
- 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,521 Well, we just need to make make some posters, mm-kay?
- 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,565 Hand out brochures, okay?
- 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,692 That way the public can know what the children look like
- 00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,944 and can call in if they're spotted, mm-kay?
- 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,529 Let's get started right away.
- 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,447 They could be halfway to LA by now.
- 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:25,949 It's only a matter of time
- 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:27,325 before they're selling their bodies
- 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,327 and buying smack!
- 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,871 Come on, everybody! - We gotta find those kids!
- 00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:32,122 If we all put our heads together,
- 00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:33,540 we can find them!
- 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,125 We can do it! - Hi!
- 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,924 What was that? - What was what?
- 00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,134 Dude, I think the scary monster
- 00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:45,343 is right outside the bus.
- 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:46,928 What could it be?
- 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,263 If only we knew what we were up against.
- 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,141 Oh yeah, I remember that.
- 00:14:56,688 --> 00:15:01,151 Come back here, you pompous son of a pansy!
- 00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:02,569 Don't let him touch you!
- 00:15:02,694 --> 00:15:04,279 You'll die if he touches you!
- 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,740 I'm over here, you son of a whore!
- 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,208 Oh, my God! Kenny killed... death!
- 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,960 You... bastard?
- 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,843 Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be death
- 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,387 because death only touches you, it doesn't eat you.
- 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,222 Well, who really cares if that monster's outside?
- 00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,141 As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us, right?
- 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,436 Mommy!
- 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,189 Oh, my God! He's killing Kenny!
- 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:40,357 You bastard!
- 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,986 Oh, boy, we're in big trouble.
- 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,655 Hey, you guys, can we order a pizza?
- 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:54,579 What the hell are you all staring at?!
- 00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:57,040 Stop laughing, you whores!
- 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,044 I said shut up!
- 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,425 Let's hear it for Miss Crabtree!
- 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,718 What an up-and-comer!
- 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,053 That was great, ma'am.
- 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,805 Was it? Does it even matter?
- 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,056 What do you mean?
- 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,099 Success is hollow, Mitch.
- 00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,642 Hollow like a dead tree.
- 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:16,810 I think it's time for me to give it up.
- 00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,395 Are you sure?
- 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,563 I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.
- 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,651 I wonder when the monster's gonna come back
- 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:25,819 to feed again?
- 00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,030 We just gotta stick together.
- 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,573 Yeah, there's got to be a way out of this.
- 00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,409 Hey, wait a minute. - What?
- 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,660 Remember that time Fonzie jumped over the buses
- 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,078 with his motorcycle?
- 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,961 Go, Fonzie!
- 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,295 Hey!
- 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:45,839 - You can do it, Fonzie.
- 00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,298 - We believe in you, Fonz.
- 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,592 - Hey!
- 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,650 - Hey!
- 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:08,862 - Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
- 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,488 - You bastard!
- 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:14,284 - Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:16,077 - You dumb-ass, Cartman, that's not the way it happened.
- 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,579 - Yeah, dude, Kenny just died
- 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,122 eight hours ago from that monster.
- 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,041 How could he have died back then too?
- 00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,543 - Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.
- 00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:24,544 - Oh, no!
- 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,839 - Ah! - What are we gonna do?
- 00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:34,804 - Now we need more weight in the back!
- 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,515 No, that's too much!
- 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,353 - There, I think we got it.
- 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,022 - I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude.
- 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,607 - Don't worry, everything's gonna work out.
- 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,567 It always does. - It does?
- 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:48,818 - Sure, remember that time that that kid in the red shirt
- 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:50,111 decided to go off on his own?
- 00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:53,281 - Well, I'm not gonna sit here
- 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,783 and wait to die with the rest of you!
- 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,367 If I make it back, I'll send help.
- 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,203 Don't do it, kid!
- 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,918 - Hmm, maybe Miss Crabtree did make up
- 00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,628 that stuff about the big black monster.
- 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,008 Holy crap, dude!
- 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,220 Hey, look, it's got ice cream!
- 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,554 Hooray!
- 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,604 Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,693 Wow, this is gorgeous.
- 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,947 I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
- 00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:35,782 From a distance, this place looks like
- 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:38,952 a cold damp marsh, but once you get inside it,
- 00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,954 you realize that it has an inner beauty
- 00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:43,373 far surpassing others.
- 00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:45,875 Thank you for sharing your time with me, Miss Crabtree.
- 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,627 Please, call me Muffin.
- 00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:49,254 I'm having a nice time, Muffin.
- 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,922 Me too, Marcus.
- 00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:53,341 I've forgotten all about my cares in the world.
- 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:57,971 Ah, damn, man, now I'm missing
- 00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,639 the new "Barnaby Jones"!
- 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:00,807 Hey, Miss Crabtree had that little TV
- 00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:02,183 for the training video.
- 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,184 Maybe we can watch TV on it.
- 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,435 Hey, yeah!
- 00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,399 <i>And all over America, kids are turning</i>
- 00:19:09,524 --> 00:19:12,026 <i>to the streets and running away.</i>
- 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:13,820 <i>Tonight, a very special message</i>
- 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:15,738 <i>from the parents of some runaway children,</i>
- 00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:18,992 <i>in hopes that their young will hear their cry.</i>
- 00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,786 Hello, Stanley. It's me, Papa.
- 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,414 Gosh, your mother and I miss you.
- 00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:26,833 And I hope that, wherever you may be,
- 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,210 you'll hear this message.
- 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:33,882 ♪ Little lamb lost in the great big world ♪
- 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:38,303 ♪ Runaway, findin' streets so cold ♪
- 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,639 Dude, your dad's a retard.
- 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,351 Please come home, Kyle.
- 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,897 ♪ You left home looking for something new ♪
- 00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,775 ♪ But all you need is right here waiting for you ♪
- 00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:56,237 ♪ Runaway from home ♪
- 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,448 ♪ We love you just as you are ♪
- 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,450 ♪ Runaway, come home ♪
- 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:04,245 ♪ We're sorry things went this far ♪
- 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,789 Dude, did it ever occur to them to just look for us?
- 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,958 I hope my dad doesn't sing.
- 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:10,668 Hey, you guys, remember the time
- 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,754 I found out who my father was?
- 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,005 Boy, do I!
- 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,674 As I said before,
- 00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,718 the father is somebody in this room.
- 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:21,512 The father is... John Elway!
- 00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,350 Sweet!
- 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,559 Uh-oh.
- 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:27,977 This kicks ass, you guys!
- 00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:29,437 John Elway's my father!
- 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,064 My father is John Elway!
- 00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:32,690 My father is John Elway!
- 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,234 Get down! Get down!
- 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,443 Come on, son.
- 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,029 I'll buy you some ice cream.
- 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,697 Now that's what I call a... - Wait a minute.
- 00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:40,823 I thought your father was your mother
- 00:20:40,949 --> 00:20:42,325 'cause she had a penis.
- 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:44,285 What?! Hey! You son of a bitch!
- 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,037 I'll kick you in the nuts!
- 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:47,538 Cartman, no!
- 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,794 The bus is going over! - Oh, no!
- 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,944 - Hey! We landed in ice cream. - Hooray!
- 00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:19,112 Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- 00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,738 This doesn't make sense.
- 00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:22,532 This whole thing doesn't make any sense.
- 00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,409 I must be...
- 00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,286 Oh, man, what a weird dream.
- 00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:27,870 Are you okay, hon?
- 00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:30,123 Mom, I just dreamt that me and Stan
- 00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:31,958 and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on a bus,
- 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,793 and we were talking about everything
- 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:35,545 that's happened to us, except that it was all wrong
- 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,547 and everything ended with us eating ice cream.
- 00:21:37,672 --> 00:21:40,550 Oh... well, would you like some beetles for breakfast?
- 00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:42,093 Yes, please.
- 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,930 Mmm.
- 00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,641 Mmm, beetles are good with ice cream.
- 00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:52,729 Oh, dude, what a nightmare.
- 00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:56,357 Hello?
- 00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,400 Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.
- 00:21:57,525 --> 00:21:59,402 Really?
- 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,321 Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that were all trapped
- 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:03,031 on a bus, and then he dreamt that we were talking about
- 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,615 things that had happened, only they were all wrong,
- 00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:06,200 and then he and his mother ate beetles.
- 00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:08,036 Dude, that's a pretty up dream.
- 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:09,787 Yeah, I must be having some real emotional problems.
- 00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:11,164 Hey, me and Cartman and Kenny are going down
- 00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:12,957 to Happy Burger-- you want to come?
- 00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:14,167 Sure, I definitely don't want to sleep anymore.
- 00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:15,626 See you later.
- 00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:19,589 I want to thank you for making me feel
- 00:22:19,714 --> 00:22:21,090 alive again, Marcus.
- 00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:22,467 Miss Crabtree.
- 00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:23,801 What is it? What's wrong?
- 00:22:23,926 --> 00:22:25,178 You realize I can't stay.
- 00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:27,055 None of this is real.
- 00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,681 It's all been a little eight-year-old's dream.
- 00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:31,017 Oh, I know. I know, Marcus.
- 00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:33,269 But let me just pretend as long as I can.
- 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:34,520 Sure.
- 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,615 <i>♪ You left home looking for something new ♪</i>
- 00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:50,828 <i>♪ But all you need is right here waiting for you ♪</i>
- 00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:52,830 <i>♪ Runaway from home ♪</i>
- 00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:55,291 <i>♪ We love you just as you are ♪</i>
- 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:57,210 <i>♪ Runaway, come home ♪</i>
- 00:22:57,335 --> 00:23:00,213 <i>♪ We're sorry things went this far ♪</i>
- 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:03,462 [cheers and applause]
- 00:00:03,587 --> 00:00:05,131 Hello, everybody. I'm Matt Stone.
- 00:00:05,256 --> 00:00:06,841 And I'm Trey Parker. This here is Macon.
- 00:00:06,966 --> 00:00:09,135 Say hi, old fella. [pig oinking]
- 00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:10,970 We're back to show you the versatility and nutrition
- 00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:12,596 of one of nature's perfect foods...
- 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:13,681 both: Bacon!
- 00:00:13,806 --> 00:00:15,683 [cheers and applause]
- 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,018 That's right, today, we're gonna make
- 00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:18,519 French bacon sandwiches.
- 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:19,770 How does that sound?
- 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,482 Let's start by cooking the bacon.
- 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:25,401 Butter.
- 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,070 Bacon. Salt.
- 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,739 Ooh, doesn't that smell good, Macon?
- 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,782 [pig grunting]
- 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,409 Well, while we're waiting for our bacon to cook,
- 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,702 let's watch our favorite episode of "South Park."
- 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,704 It's called "Flashbacks."
- 00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:38,497 It's all about the kids getting stuck on the school bus
- 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,499 and their driver, Ms. Crabtree, falling in love.
- 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,084 Flashback episodes are what you do
- 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,711 when you're near the end of a season
- 00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:44,962 and you're fresh out of new ideas.
- 00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:46,714 [laughter]
- 00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:49,091 Hey, you ready for some bacon, Macon?
- 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,510 Macon loves bacon.
- 00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:53,888 [mumbling] Okay, you want it? You want it? Do you want it?
- 00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:56,891 Yeah, that's a buddy. A little more bacon.
- 00:00:57,016 --> 00:00:58,851 Little more bacon. Yeah.
- 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,520 So sit back, relax, and enjoy "Flashbacks."
- 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,731 And when we return, French bacon sandwiches.
- 00:01:03,856 --> 00:01:04,899 Mmm.
- 00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:06,108 <i>[upbeat piano music]</i>
- 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,860 [cheers and applause]
- 00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:16,744 <i>[twangy music]</i>
- 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:18,329 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:18,454 --> 00:01:20,372 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:22,124 all: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,043 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,503 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:25,628 --> 00:01:27,171 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:28,881 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,674 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,176 - ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,469 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:37,264 [singing indistinctly]
- 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:38,766 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:40,935 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,062 ♪♪
- 00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:44,855 [children laughing and yelling]
- 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,232 Be quiet back there!
- 00:01:46,357 --> 00:01:48,067 These roads are slick!
- 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:50,069 Hey, Cartman! - What?
- 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,821 Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
- 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:54,448 Hmm, let me think... no. - Come on, fat ass!
- 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,242 You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway.
- 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,369 Mmm. It's chocolatey and delightful.
- 00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:00,913 Give us some, Cartman! - Be quiet back there!
- 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,374 Whoa dude, the road is really snowy out there.
- 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:05,084 Dude, the road is always snowy.
- 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:06,418 I know, but it's <i>really</i> snowy today.
- 00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:07,962 Mmm...
- 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:10,798 I can't possibly finish this whole cake.
- 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:11,841 Oh, yes, I can.
- 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,425 Shut up, Cartman!
- 00:02:13,551 --> 00:02:14,885 [tires screech]
- 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:19,181 Okay, that does it!
- 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:22,935 Y'all be quiet, or the cute little bunny dies!
- 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,395 [children gasp]
- 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,397 <i>[dramatic music]</i>
- 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,944 Dude, she always tries to quiet us down
- 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,237 by threatening to kill that bunny,
- 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,697 but I wonder if she ever would.
- 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,532 Oh, she would, dude. She would.
- 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,201 [shrieks]
- 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,704 Oh, for Christ's sake, I don't believe this!
- 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,832 [wind howling]
- 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,626 ♪♪
- 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,628 Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
- 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:52,423 I cannot possibly eat one more bit
- 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:54,633 of this chocolatey goodness.
- 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,719 Oh, wait, wait, I'll try.
- 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,096 Damn it, Cartman, you are such a fat [bleep]!
- 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:01,682 What did you say?!
- 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:04,059 Uh-oh.
- 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,061 [children screaming] Hold on!
- 00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,855 [shrieks]
- 00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:13,444 I'm scared! - Be quiet, kids!
- 00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:18,407 [yelling and screaming]
- 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:21,660 And right up here you can see a red-bellied chickadee.
- 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,621 They're indigenous to this area.
- 00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:24,663 [camera shutter flashes]
- 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:26,582 [children screaming]
- 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,001 What was that? - What was what?
- 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,127 [children screaming]
- 00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:34,256 <i>[dramatic music]</i>
- 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,133 ♪♪
- 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,384 All done.
- 00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:40,054 Sit down and shut up!
- 00:03:40,179 --> 00:03:41,096 [children moaning]
- 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,681 I said quiet!
- 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:44,683 Or else I kill the bunny!
- 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,479 Where are we? - I have no idea.
- 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,105 I don't think we're in a very safe spot.
- 00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:51,815 - Yeah, what are we supposed to do?
- 00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,067 Just keep your traps shut.
- 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:55,027 I'll consult the manual.
- 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,742 Miss Crabtree? - Shut up, kid!
- 00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,662 I have to watch a training video!
- 00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,288 <i>Hello, and welcome to tape seven</i>
- 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,082 <i>of the bus driver's video guidebook,</i>
- 00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:10,251 <i>"What to Do If You Become Stranded."</i>
- 00:04:10,376 --> 00:04:11,919 <i>By now you've calmed down the children</i>
- 00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,504 <i>and kept order by using the "keep quiet</i>
- 00:04:13,629 --> 00:04:14,838 <i>or I'll kill the bunny" technique.</i>
- 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,465 <i>Now it's time to get help.</i>
- 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,092 <i>The most important thing to remember</i>
- 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,052 <i>is that the children will be safe</i>
- 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,637 <i>as long as they stay on the bus.</i>
- 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,514 <i>So do not, under any circumstances,</i>
- 00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:25,516 <i>let any children off the bus.</i>
- 00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:27,518 <i>The best way to achieve this is to tell them</i>
- 00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:29,520 <i>something like, "A big scary monster</i>
- 00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:31,438 <i>will eat you if you step off the bus."</i>
- 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,316 - Kids, do not get off this bus!
- 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:37,361 If you do, a big, scary monster will eat you!
- 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:39,154 <i>- That's right. With the children</i>
- 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,739 <i>properly subdued, you can leave the bus</i>
- 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,366 <i>and go out looking for assistance.</i>
- 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:43,742 <i>And remember your bus driver's code:</i>
- 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,244 <i>"Sit down and shut up."</i>
- 00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:46,537 I'm going for help!
- 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,122 I'll be back as soon as I can!
- 00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:50,040 Remember, don't get off this bus
- 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:52,459 or a big, scary monster will eat you!
- 00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,585 [bus creaks]
- 00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,132 Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her?
- 00:04:58,257 --> 00:04:59,758 'Cause, dumb-ass, scary monsters don't eat
- 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,135 big fat smelly bitches.
- 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,137 What did you say?!
- 00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:05,931 I said Larry King will grant me three wishes!
- 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,016 Oh.
- 00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,600 Dude, this is not good.
- 00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:11,020 She could have at least left the heat on.
- 00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:12,604 [grunts]
- 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:15,899 Had to happen to me, didn't it?
- 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,487 ♪ Looking for love in all the wrong places ♪
- 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,906 ♪ Looking for love in too... ♪
- 00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:24,366 Oh, it's supper time.
- 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,910 Come to papa.
- 00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:29,496 Oh, hello, little lady. Going my way?
- 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:31,915 Shut up and help me into this thing!
- 00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:33,959 Oh, okay. [mumbling]
- 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,170 Come on, I haven't got all day!
- 00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:37,963 All right, sure, of course.
- 00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,966 <i>[sultry sax music]</i>
- 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:42,259 ♪♪
- 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,969 Take me to the nearest town,
- 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,929 and make it snappy, you freak-ass crackpot!
- 00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,182 Y-yes, ma'am, right away, ma'am.
- 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,601 So, uh, what's a fragile little doll like yourself
- 00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,561 doing out on a-- on a night like this?
- 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,772 Look, mister, I got a busload of kids
- 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:56,440 trapped up on that pass.
- 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:58,984 I need a crane, helicopters, all that crap!
- 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:02,237 Here, let me have some of your aspirin!
- 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,615 Ma'am, those are actually <i>roofies.</i>
- 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:05,699 Roofies, aspirin-- right now,
- 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,034 I don't give a rat's ass!
- 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,952 How far to the nearest town?
- 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,829 Mm... it's a ways.
- 00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,706 ♪♪
- 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,625 You guys, what if Miss Crabtree doesn't come back
- 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:16,377 and we're all trapped here forever?
- 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,212 [children gasp]
- 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:19,588 We couldn't get trapped here forever, Cartman.
- 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,881 We'd die after a couple of days.
- 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,007 [children gasp]
- 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,884 Dude! - What?
- 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,636 I don't want to die on this bus with you assholes.
- 00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:27,638 You guys suck! - Will you just relax?
- 00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:29,056 We've been in a lot worse situations than this
- 00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:30,599 and come out of it just fine.
- 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,809 Worse than this? - Well, sure.
- 00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,519 Don't you remember that time
- 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:34,686 that the aliens kidnapped your little brother, Ike?
- 00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:37,022 Now <i>that</i> was scary.
- 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,649 How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
- 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,317 I think we have to signal them somehow.
- 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,860 [farts] Ow!
- 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:44,238 Hey! He's like Rudolph! - Yeah!
- 00:06:44,363 --> 00:06:46,073 All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman,
- 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,158 and the visitors are sure to come!
- 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:52,329 Really? Uh... I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
- 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,540 Sure you do! - Come on Cartman, fart!
- 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,875 I don't wanna! - He can't hold it in forever.
- 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,127 Fart, damn you!
- 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,087 Okay, that does it!
- 00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,548 Now, listen, why is it that everything today
- 00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:04,883 has involved things either going in
- 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,885 or coming out of my ass?
- 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,429 Whoa. Look at that!
- 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,264 It's completely immature!
- 00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:13,767 Hey, it's happening again!
- 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,185 It's an ice cream truck!
- 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,728 Now do you believe us, Cartman?
- 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:18,480 You guys can't scare me.
- 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,857 Cartman, there's an ice cream truck
- 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:20,858 sticking out of your ass!
- 00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:22,901 [ships whooshing]
- 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:25,821 <i>[spooky scraping]</i>
- 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,531 Hey look, the aliens are getting ice cream!
- 00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:30,242 Wow! I guess everything's gonna be okay.
- 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:35,330 Now that was what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:36,748 You can say that again.
- 00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:38,000 - Was that how it happened?
- 00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:42,921 Stop! Let me off, you turd!
- 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,548 Hey, I want to help you.
- 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:45,924 I care a lot about that busload of, uh,
- 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,259 what was it again?
- 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,927 Children. - Yeah, right.
- 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,137 Let me come with you.
- 00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,894 What the hell is this crap?!
- 00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:58,520 I hate flying.
- 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,981 Talk about something I hate, it's flying.
- 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,150 Say, are those roofies kicking in yet?
- 00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:04,943 Well, I don't think so!
- 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,029 Damn. - You guys like impressions?
- 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,655 No!
- 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:09,656 Here's my impression of Robert De Niro.
- 00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:10,657 "Hey, yous.
- 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:11,742 "Yous guys.
- 00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:12,993 Shut up, yous."
- 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,411 You suck!
- 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:15,787 [laughter]
- 00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,331 "Yous guys shut up."
- 00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:20,792 - Sit down and shut up!
- 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,711 [as Barney] Come on, lady! I love you.
- 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,087 You love me!
- 00:08:24,213 --> 00:08:27,633 I said sit down and shut up!
- 00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:30,427 [laughter]
- 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,139 Baby, you're wonderful. You're a natural.
- 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,099 You're the funniest comic I've seen in years.
- 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,352 Why don't you just shut the hell up?!
- 00:08:38,477 --> 00:08:39,561 I've got to get some assistance
- 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,313 to my broken-down bus!
- 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,732 Broken-down bus! That's great! Great angle.
- 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,484 <i>[ominous music]</i>
- 00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:47,152 Do you see her, dude? - Nope.
- 00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,154 God damn it, how long is this gonna take?
- 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,365 She's never coming back. Don't you get it?
- 00:08:51,490 --> 00:08:53,242 She's left us here to die like pigs.
- 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,202 Calm down, dude, you're upsetting Kenny.
- 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,579 [muffled] Huh? - I can't take it anymore.
- 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,831 I have to get out of here! [whimpering]
- 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,500 No kid, you heard what Miss Crabtree said,
- 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,419 there's a big, black, scary monster out there.
- 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,004 Well, I'm not gonna sit here
- 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,506 and wait to die with the rest of you!
- 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,174 If I make it back, I'll send help.
- 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,425 Don't do it, kid.
- 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,638 ♪♪
- 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:15,889 [bus creaks]
- 00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:18,600 <i>[suspenseful music]</i>
- 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:20,811 Hmm, maybe Miss Crabtree did make up that stuff
- 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:22,729 about the big black monster.
- 00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:27,484 [screams] [chomps]
- 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,860 Holy crap, dude!
- 00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:31,405 ♪♪
- 00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:40,747 [children screaming]
- 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:41,790 Gross!
- 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,917 ♪♪
- 00:09:45,711 --> 00:09:47,754 Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus.
- 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,051 [phone ringing]
- 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:54,386 Hello?
- 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:55,596 Oh hello, Miss Cartman,
- 00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,264 It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
- 00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,391 Oh yes, Sharon, how are you?
- 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:01,393 Miss Cartman, is your son at home?
- 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,020 Hold on, dear, let me check.
- 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:07,065 Hon, I made beefy logs!
- 00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,443 I made cookie dings!
- 00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:11,111 No, he's not here.
- 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:12,279 Well, now I am worried.
- 00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:13,655 I've tried all the houses,
- 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,449 and nobody knows where they are.
- 00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:16,533 Oh, dear.
- 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,244 ♪♪
- 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,663 I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is a natural.
- 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,874 I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich.
- 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,667 What's her angle? - I can't even explain it.
- 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,294 You have to see it. - All right.
- 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,254 This better be good.
- 00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:31,048 Come on in, come on in.
- 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,467 - What the hell did you bring me to Denver for,
- 00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:35,761 you brain-depraved fecalphiliac?!
- 00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,763 Mr. Jonas, this is Mrs. Crabtree.
- 00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:39,264 Pleasure to meet you.
- 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:40,641 You look like a lump of dog shit
- 00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,768 that just got hit by a car!
- 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,019 What did I tell you?
- 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,771 She's fantastic.
- 00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:47,272 How would you like to make a million dollars, baby?
- 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,441 How'd you like to suck my ass?!
- 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:50,692 - Let's get started right away.
- 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,693 You gonna be all right?
- 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,195 Don't touch me!
- 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,571 I'm sorry, do you need anything?
- 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,573 No, I just... - What?
- 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:59,660 I can't help but feel like I've forgotten something.
- 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,666 What time is it?
- 00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,167 [mumbling] On Wednesday or Thursday?
- 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:09,086 Dude, I think it's Saturday now.
- 00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:11,088 What? I'm missing the new "Fantasy Island"!
- 00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:12,964 Oh man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus.
- 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,633 Well, we can't go anywhere, or else
- 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,301 that big scary monster outside will get us.
- 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:17,594 What do you think it is? - I don't know.
- 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,179 It's a big, scary monster.
- 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,597 Hey, maybe it's that thing Skuzzlebutt!
- 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,599 What? - Don't you remember?
- 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,267 That time we were up camping with your uncle Jimbo and Ned?
- 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,728 [children yelling]
- 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,689 That lava's coming right for us!
- 00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:30,273 Help!
- 00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:33,318 <i>[dramatic music]</i>
- 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,529 [growling]
- 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,367 Jiminy Poke! It's the real Skuzzlebutt!
- 00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:41,952 What? Skuzzlebutt's real?
- 00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:44,871 Oh my God! Look at his leg!
- 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,916 Hi, kids. I'm TV's Brent Musburger.
- 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,960 Dude, he's got Brent Musburger for a leg!
- 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,169 [children scream]
- 00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:53,547 Quick, Ned, shoot it!
- 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,757 [distorted] - Mm, oh, no, out of ammo.
- 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,551 Hey, look!
- 00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,553 Dude, he's making ice cream!
- 00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:01,555 ♪♪
- 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,390 Skuzzlebutt kicks ass.
- 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:07,018 Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,770 Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside
- 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,814 can't be Skuzzlebutt 'cause Skuzzlebutt's nice.
- 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:13,191 Hey, maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,943 - Don't be stupid, Cartman, our teacher wouldn't be out
- 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,653 lying in the forest waiting to kill us.
- 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,280 Oh, no?
- 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,781 Don't you remember the time he went crazy
- 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,032 and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford?
- 00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:22,784 Here she comes!
- 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,912 [marching band plays]
- 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,502 Come on, you little bitch.
- 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:35,005 It is with great pride and honor
- 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:39,009 that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford
- 00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,594 to South Park.
- 00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:43,764 [cheers and applause]
- 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,348 Thank you.
- 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,436 Mr. Garrison, stop! - Leave us.
- 00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,480 We must finish what we have begun.
- 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,190 But Mr. Garrison!
- 00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,441 She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,568 She's some kind of alien.
- 00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,820 Thank you. I love you all.
- 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,322 [gunshot]
- 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,367 [alien shrieks]
- 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,038 See, I told you.
- 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:12,459 Well, this is going to put a damper on the day.
- 00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:15,837 Let's have ice cream, everyone!
- 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,506 Beefcake!
- 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,800 Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:21,802 [laughter]
- 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,261 But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison
- 00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:24,721 'cause Mr. Garrison used a gun.
- 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:25,972 Oh, yeah.
- 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,641 <i>Live from Burbank,</i>
- 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,267 <i>it's "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"!</i>
- 00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,269 <i>Tonight, Jay's special guests include</i>
- 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,271 <i>Washed Up Actress From a Sitcom</i>
- 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,066 <i>and the comedy of Mrs. Crabtree.</i>
- 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:38,443 <i>And now here's your host, Jay Leno!</i>
- 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,653 Just relax, sweetheart.
- 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:40,654 You're gonna kill out there.
- 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:41,988 Kill who?!
- 00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,240 That's great, use that.
- 00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,908 Honey, do you need anything?
- 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,493 Just give me another one of them roofies.
- 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,328 Sure.
- 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,289 O-okay, I-let's try to calm down, mm-kay?
- 00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:53,708 This type of thing happens all the time.
- 00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,544 What do you mean?
- 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,921 How often does an entire third grade class go missing?
- 00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,508 - Well, 99% of the time when a child is missing
- 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:04,386 it's because they've run away, mm-kay?
- 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,595 [all gasp]
- 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,514 Run away? - Oy.
- 00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:10,392 I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that <i>gafagahaga.</i>
- 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,686 How do we get our runaway children back?
- 00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,521 Well, we just need to make make some posters, mm-kay?
- 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,565 Hand out brochures, okay?
- 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,692 That way the public can know what the children look like
- 00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,944 and can call in if they're spotted, mm-kay?
- 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,529 Let's get started right away.
- 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,447 They could be halfway to LA by now.
- 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:25,949 It's only a matter of time
- 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:27,325 before they're selling their bodies
- 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,327 and buying smack!
- 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,871 Come on, everybody! - We gotta find those kids!
- 00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:32,122 If we all put our heads together,
- 00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:33,540 we can find them!
- 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,125 We can do it! - Hi!
- 00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:37,252 <i>[uplifting music]</i>
- 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,047 [bus creaking]
- 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,924 What was that? - What was what?
- 00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,134 Dude, I think the scary monster
- 00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:45,343 is right outside the bus.
- 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:46,928 What could it be?
- 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,263 If only we knew what we were up against.
- 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,973 [mumbling]
- 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,141 Oh yeah, I remember that.
- 00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:54,311 [mumbling]
- 00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:56,563 [children screaming]
- 00:14:56,688 --> 00:15:01,151 Come back here, you pompous son of a pansy!
- 00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:02,569 Don't let him touch you!
- 00:15:02,694 --> 00:15:04,279 You'll die if he touches you!
- 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,740 I'm over here, you son of a whore!
- 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,786 [mumbles loudly]
- 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:17,208 Oh, my God! Kenny killed... death!
- 00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,960 You... bastard?
- 00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:24,966 [mumbles]
- 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,843 Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be death
- 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,387 because death only touches you, it doesn't eat you.
- 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,222 Well, who really cares if that monster's outside?
- 00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,141 As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us, right?
- 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,436 Mommy!
- 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,189 Oh, my God! He's killing Kenny!
- 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:40,357 You bastard!
- 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,986 Oh, boy, we're in big trouble.
- 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,655 Hey, you guys, can we order a pizza?
- 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:49,240 <i>[schmaltzy music]</i>
- 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:54,579 What the hell are you all staring at?!
- 00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:57,040 Stop laughing, you whores!
- 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,458 [laughter]
- 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,044 I said shut up!
- 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,881 [laughter]
- 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,425 Let's hear it for Miss Crabtree!
- 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,718 What an up-and-comer!
- 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,053 That was great, ma'am.
- 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,805 Was it? Does it even matter?
- 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,056 What do you mean?
- 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,099 Success is hollow, Mitch.
- 00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:15,642 Hollow like a dead tree.
- 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:16,810 I think it's time for me to give it up.
- 00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,395 Are you sure?
- 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,563 I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.
- 00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:23,108 <i>[serene music]</i>
- 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,651 I wonder when the monster's gonna come back
- 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:25,819 to feed again?
- 00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,404 [children whimpering]
- 00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,030 We just gotta stick together.
- 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,573 Yeah, there's got to be a way out of this.
- 00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,409 Hey, wait a minute. - What?
- 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:33,660 Remember that time Fonzie jumped over the buses
- 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,078 with his motorcycle?
- 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:37,288 <i>[ascending harp glissando]</i>
- 00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,581 <i>[rockabilly music]</i>
- 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:39,708 [tires screech]
- 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,961 Go, Fonzie!
- 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,295 Hey!
- 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:45,839 - You can do it, Fonzie.
- 00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,298 - We believe in you, Fonz.
- 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,592 - Hey!
- 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:01,938 - [mumbling]
- 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,650 - Hey!
- 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:08,862 - Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
- 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,488 - You bastard!
- 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:14,284 - Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:16,077 - You dumb-ass, Cartman, that's not the way it happened.
- 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,579 - Yeah, dude, Kenny just died
- 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,122 eight hours ago from that monster.
- 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,041 How could he have died back then too?
- 00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,543 - Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.
- 00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:24,544 - Oh, no!
- 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,296 [bus creaking]
- 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,839 all: Ah! - What are we gonna do?
- 00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,470 [children yelling]
- 00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:34,804 - Now we need more weight in the back!
- 00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:36,347 ♪♪
- 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,515 No, that's too much!
- 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,353 - There, I think we got it.
- 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,022 - I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude.
- 00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,607 - Don't worry, everything's gonna work out.
- 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,567 It always does. - It does?
- 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:48,818 - Sure, remember that time that that kid in the red shirt
- 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:50,111 decided to go off on his own?
- 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,696 <i>[descending harp glissando]</i>
- 00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:53,281 - Well, I'm not gonna sit here
- 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,783 and wait to die with the rest of you!
- 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,367 If I make it back, I'll send help.
- 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,203 Don't do it, kid!
- 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,831 ♪♪
- 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,918 - Hmm, maybe Miss Crabtree did make up
- 00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,628 that stuff about the big black monster.
- 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,507 [screaming] [chomping]
- 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,008 Holy crap, dude!
- 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,220 Hey, look, it's got ice cream!
- 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,554 all: Hooray!
- 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,681 <i>[upbeat music]</i>
- 00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:21,935 ♪♪
- 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,604 Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
- 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,858 <i>[romantic music]</i>
- 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,693 Wow, this is gorgeous.
- 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,947 I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
- 00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:35,782 From a distance, this place looks like
- 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:38,952 a cold damp marsh, but once you get inside it,
- 00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,954 you realize that it has an inner beauty
- 00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:43,373 far surpassing others.
- 00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:45,875 Thank you for sharing your time with me, Miss Crabtree.
- 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,627 Please, call me Muffin.
- 00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:49,254 I'm having a nice time, Muffin.
- 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,922 Me too, Marcus.
- 00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:53,341 I've forgotten all about my cares in the world.
- 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:57,971 Ah, damn, man, now I'm missing
- 00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,639 the new "Barnaby Jones"!
- 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:00,807 Hey, Miss Crabtree had that little TV
- 00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:02,183 for the training video.
- 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,184 Maybe we can watch TV on it.
- 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,435 Hey, yeah!
- 00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,399 <i>And all over America, kids are turning</i>
- 00:19:09,524 --> 00:19:12,026 <i>to the streets and running away.</i>
- 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:13,820 <i>Tonight, a very special message</i>
- 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:15,738 <i>from the parents of some runaway children,</i>
- 00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:18,992 <i>in hopes that their young will hear their cry.</i>
- 00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,786 Hello, Stanley. It's me, Papa.
- 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,414 Gosh, your mother and I miss you.
- 00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:26,833 And I hope that, wherever you may be,
- 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,210 you'll hear this message.
- 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:33,882 ♪ Little lamb lost in the great big world ♪
- 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:38,303 ♪ Runaway, findin' streets so cold ♪
- 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,639 Dude, your dad's a retard.
- 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,351 Please come home, Kyle.
- 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,897 ♪ You left home looking for something new ♪
- 00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:52,775 ♪ But all you need is right here waiting for you ♪
- 00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,194 [laughter]
- 00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:56,237 all: ♪ Runaway from home ♪
- 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,448 ♪ We love you just as you are ♪
- 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:00,450 ♪ Runaway, come home ♪
- 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:04,245 ♪ We're sorry things went this far ♪
- 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,789 Dude, did it ever occur to them to just look for us?
- 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,958 I hope my dad doesn't sing.
- 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:10,668 Hey, you guys, remember the time
- 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,754 I found out who my father was?
- 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,005 Boy, do I!
- 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,048 <i>[ascending harp glissando]</i>
- 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:16,674 As I said before,
- 00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,718 the father is somebody in this room.
- 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:21,512 The father is... John Elway!
- 00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,806 ♪♪
- 00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,350 Sweet!
- 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,559 Uh-oh.
- 00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:27,977 This kicks ass, you guys!
- 00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:29,437 John Elway's my father!
- 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,064 [singsongy] My father is John Elway!
- 00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:32,690 My father is John Elway!
- 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,234 Get down! Get down!
- 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,443 Come on, son.
- 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,029 I'll buy you some ice cream.
- 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,697 Now that's what I call a... - Wait a minute.
- 00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:40,823 I thought your father was your mother
- 00:20:40,949 --> 00:20:42,325 'cause she had a penis.
- 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:44,285 What?! Hey! You son of a bitch!
- 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,037 I'll kick you in the nuts!
- 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:47,538 Cartman, no!
- 00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,374 ♪♪
- 00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:51,042 [children screaming]
- 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,794 The bus is going over! - Oh, no!
- 00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:00,051 ♪♪
- 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:09,185 [children screaming]
- 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,771 ♪♪
- 00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,944 Hey! We landed in ice cream. all: Hooray!
- 00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:19,112 Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- 00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,738 This doesn't make sense.
- 00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:22,532 This whole thing doesn't make any sense.
- 00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,409 I must be... [yells]
- 00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,286 Oh, man, what a weird dream.
- 00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:27,870 Are you okay, hon?
- 00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:30,123 Mom, I just dreamt that me and Stan
- 00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:31,958 and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on a bus,
- 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,793 and we were talking about everything
- 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:35,545 that's happened to us, except that it was all wrong
- 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,547 and everything ended with us eating ice cream.
- 00:21:37,672 --> 00:21:40,550 Oh... well, would you like some beetles for breakfast?
- 00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:42,093 Yes, please.
- 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,930 Mmm. [munching]
- 00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,641 Mmm, beetles are good with ice cream.
- 00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:49,767 [yells]
- 00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:52,729 Oh, dude, what a nightmare.
- 00:21:54,772 --> 00:21:56,357 Hello?
- 00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,400 Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.
- 00:21:57,525 --> 00:21:59,402 Really?
- 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,321 Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that were all trapped
- 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:03,031 on a bus, and then he dreamt that we were talking about
- 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,615 things that had happened, only they were all wrong,
- 00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:06,200 and then he and his mother ate beetles.
- 00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:08,036 Dude, that's a pretty [bleep] up dream.
- 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:09,787 Yeah, I must be having some real emotional problems.
- 00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:11,164 Hey, me and Cartman and Kenny are going down
- 00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:12,957 to Happy Burger-- you want to come?
- 00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:14,167 Sure, I definitely don't want to sleep anymore.
- 00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:15,626 See you later.
- 00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:19,589 I want to thank you for making me feel
- 00:22:19,714 --> 00:22:21,090 alive again, Marcus.
- 00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:22,467 Miss Crabtree.
- 00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:23,801 What is it? What's wrong?
- 00:22:23,926 --> 00:22:25,178 You realize I can't stay.
- 00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:27,055 None of this is real.
- 00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,681 It's all been a little eight-year-old's dream.
- 00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:31,017 Oh, I know. I know, Marcus.
- 00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:33,269 But let me just pretend as long as I can.
- 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:34,520 Sure.
- 00:22:34,645 --> 00:22:37,523 <i>[romantic music]</i>
- 00:22:37,648 --> 00:22:42,195 ♪♪
- 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,615 <i>♪ You left home looking for something new ♪</i>
- 00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:50,828 <i>♪ But all you need is right here waiting for you ♪</i>
- 00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:52,830 <i>all: ♪ Runaway from home ♪</i>
- 00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:55,291 <i>♪ We love you just as you are ♪</i>
- 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:57,210 <i>♪ Runaway, come home ♪</i>
- 00:22:57,335 --> 00:23:00,213 <i>♪ We're sorry things went this far ♪</i>
- 00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:02,882 ♪♪
Скриншоты
