Женщина с приросшим эмбрионом

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- You just caught Matt and I

doing what we love to do most,

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entertaining senior citizens at

a retirement home.

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Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, gang.

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Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, I said!

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Hi.

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- We're glad you're watching

this episode of "South Park,"

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because it's our favorite

episode.

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That's right; it's called

"Conjoined Fetus Lady,"

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and it's all about the kids'

exciting

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dodgeball tournament in China.

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Trey and I got the idea for

this episode when we visited

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Beijing, China, together.

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That's right; we saw the

Great Wall,

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the Forbidden City,

and even Tiananmen Square,

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where Chinese students

were killed by soldiers.

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Here we are reenacting the

Tiananmen Square massacre.

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- After we got out of jail for

reenacting

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the Tiananmen Square massacre,

we went back home and thought,

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"Wow, China is really stupid.

Let's make fun of it."

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So we did.

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And this show also has that

old "woman who has a twin that

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died during childbirth attached

to her head" joke in it.

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Isn't that funny, gang?

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Isn't that funny, I said?

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Answer him, you

pieces of.

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- God damn it.

- We come and perform

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for you, and you sit there like

a bunch of corpses.

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- you.

- I hate you.

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So sit back, relax, and

enjoy "Conjoined Fetus Lady."

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- ♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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- ♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

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- ♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

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♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

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♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

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Okay, children,

it's Friday.

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And you know what that means

for P.E. class.

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We're gonna

play dodgeball.

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We don't want to

play dodgeball. It hurts.

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Yeah.

- So let's have half

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the children on this side,

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and half the children

on that side.

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Excuse me a moment,

gentlemen.

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I don't believe I know how

to play dodgeball.

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- What? Don't you have

dodgeball in France?

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Well, no, and actually

I'm not from France.

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Look, Pip,

the rules are simple.

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A kid from that team tries

to bean a kid on our team

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in the head with

a big red ball.

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Oh, dear.

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If the ball hits you,

you're out.

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But if you catch the ball,

he's out.

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And the last team to still

have anybody standing wins.

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Oh, what

jolly good fun.

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No, it isn't,

it hurts!

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I can't believe they let us

play this in school.

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Play ball!

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Ow!

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- Damn it,

we lost one already!

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- You're out, Clyde.

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Jordan, Swanson,

pull forward, we need backup.

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We're losing men

fast out here.

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Concentrate on your game.

Be the ball.

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I caught it.

I caught it!

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Great catch, Kyle.

Now your team's on offense.

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Here, Pip,

you throw.

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Oh, no, I couldn't.

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Come on, limey,

don't be a wuss.

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Are you gonna be a French

pansy your whole life?

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I'm not French.

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Throw the ball,

you stupid frog!

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God damn, maybe if you didn't

eat all those croissants,

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you'd be able--

Ow!

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Okay, that was

pretty good, Pip.

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But you're supposed to hit

the kids on the other team.

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Ow, my nose!

You broke my nose!

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- Damn, Pip, I didn't know

you had it in you.

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Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry.

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That nose is bleeding

pretty bad, Kyle.

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I think you might have to go

to the nurse's office.

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No, no,

it'll be okay.

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Sorry, son, you'll have to

let the nurse look at it.

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Come on.

- No! No!

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- Dude, he's going

to the nurse's office.

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I heard the school nurse

is hideously deformed.

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I heard she has tentacles

and eats children for lunch.

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Stan, has anybody

actually seen the nurse

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and come back

to tell about it?

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No, Cartman,

nobody ever has.

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Are you

Kyle Broflovski?

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Yes.

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I'm the school nurse.

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Did you hurt your nose?

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Y-yes.

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Young man, why do you have

your eyes closed?

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I'm not gonna hurt you.

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I know.

- So open them.

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Oh.

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Whew.

00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,355

- Now, what seems

to be the problem?

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I just hit my nose

playing dodgeball.

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Oh, well, I'll get you

an ice pack.

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What?

00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,698

Oh, I see you've

noticed my disorder.

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I have a stillborn fetus growth

attached to my head.

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And when she moved up and down,

the little fetus jiggled.

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Ew!

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Did it talk?

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The little fetus, did it talk?

- No, no. It looked dead.

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Ew!

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Was it

wearing clothes?

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Dude, where is she gonna

get fetus clothes?

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Oh, yeah.

- Ew.

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Ew!

00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,306

And then she walked over--

- Kyle, that is enough!

00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,765

I've been reading up on

your poor nurse's condition

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and it is nothing

to be made fun of.

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It's called

"conjoined twin myslexia."

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Who the hell cares

what it's called,

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as long as she

doesn't touch me.

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Now, that's just

the kind of unawareness

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that we need to

fight against.

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Sit down, boys.

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You see, boys, sometimes

when babies are born,

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they're born

as twins.

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But sometimes the twins

get hooked together

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and they're born

as Siamese twins.

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Gross!

00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:30,664

But sometimes,

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after the Siamese twins

are joined together,

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one of the twins

dies before birth.

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The living baby is born with

the dead baby still attached.

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Sometimes this dead twin

is inside the living person,

00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,634

so even you could have

a dead twin inside you

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and not even

know it.

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So now that you're educated

about her disease,

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you won't need to make fun

of her, right, booby?

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Uh, yeah.

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Can you imagine

that poor, poor woman?

00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,779

Mm-hmm.

00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:03,864

- Feeling like an outcast,

being ridiculed every day.

00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:04,907

Mm-hmm.

00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,868

Hello?

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Hello, Sheila,

it's Sharon, Stan's mother.

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Oh, yes, hello, Sharon.

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Sheila, I was just wondering

if you might know

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why my son is trying to split

his head open with an ice pick.

00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,586

No, I have

to get it out!

00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,838

Well, Sharon, I was trying

to educate them

00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,924

about

conjoined twin myslexia.

00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,550

So this is your fault.

- Okay--oh--damn it!

00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,386

Would you

do me a favor?

00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:26,929

Next time you want to scare

the hell out of my child,

00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,430

just go outside

and sit in the road

00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,058

till a truck

runs you over instead.

00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:32,935

That does it!

00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,896

I must educate the entire town

about this awful disease!

00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:38,190

Mm-hmm.

00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,733

Dude, I don't get it.

00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,402

Why are we playing

dodgeball again?

00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:42,528

Yeah, I thought we only

play it on Fridays.

00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:44,571

Children, great news!

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We've been asked to play in

the state finals for dodgeball.

00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,369

Aw, do we have to?

00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:51,787

Can't we play with that big

parachute again or something?

00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,205

You don't understand,

children,

00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,957

if we can win state,

00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,959

we can play in the nationals

in Washington D.C.

00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,544

Hey, they have

a zoo there!

00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,087

That's right.

Now, come on,

00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,464

we have a lot

of practicing to do.

00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,924

- Aren't we supposed

to have won something

00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,592

in order to go

to state finals?

00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:06,760

Hey, Pip, you want to be

on my team again?

00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,554

I'd love to!

00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:10,222

Yeah, just try not to send

anybody

00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,057

to that monster nurse

this time, Frenchy.

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- Hey, I get quite disturbed

when you call me that!

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You shouldn't make fun

of foreigners.

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And besides,

I hate French people.

00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,569

Well, Mrs. Broflovski,

it certainly is a thrill

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seeing your

cheery face again.

00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,780

What seems to be

pissing you off today?

00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,323

Nothing is pissing me off.

00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:30,242

I just want to

start a movement!

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Of course you do.

00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:35,122

I want to talk to you all

about your school nurse.

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Nurse Gollum is absolutely

qualified to be a--

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No, no, no, I'm not

upset about her.

00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,671

I want to make

the public aware of her.

00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,506

Her disease should be

brought to light

00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,134

so that it could be understood

rather than made fun of.

00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,136

Ooh, and, uh,

what disease is that?

00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:50,762

Principal Victoria,

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Nurse Gollum has

conjoined twin myslexia.

00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,767

What's that?

00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:57,227

- She has a dead fetus

attached to her head.

00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:58,729

She does?

00:07:58,854 --> 00:08:00,689

You, uh--you never

noticed that?

00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,441

No, I never did.

00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,693

Well, that's exactly

what I'm talking about.

00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,112

This poor woman is forced

to live in the shadows

00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,114

because she feels

like an outcast.

00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,241

It is up to us to make her

feel comfortable

00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,076

and welcome

in our town.

00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:16,413

Did you say a fetus

sticking out from her head?

00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,499

I want to invite your nurse

to a dinner party

00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,501

at my house

this evening.

00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,337

I'd appreciate it if both you

and Mr. Mackey would attend.

00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:25,255

Do we have to eat

kosher stuff?

00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,715

Well, I'll talk to Nurse

Gollum,

00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:27,966

but I'm sure she'll be

delighted.

00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,051

Let's say around 8:00?

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,886

Wonderful.

00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,055

Now, you did say she has

a fetus on her head?

00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,267

Okay, children,

00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,854

now who's gonna

win the state finals?

00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,648

Denver?

00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:44,566

♪ Here we go, Cows,

here we go, uh, uh ♪

00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,693

♪ Here we go Cows,

here we go ♪

00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:47,819

♪ Uh, uh ♪

00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,449

I think we need to

get off on this exit.

00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,451

Sit down, kid!

00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,495

But it's quicker to get to

the Denver school that way.

00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,164

Do you want

an office referral?

00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,999

How many times do I have to

explain this to you?

00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,584

I'm not a student.

00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:03,752

You can't give me

an office referral.

00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,504

I said, sit down!

00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:06,630

Yes, ma'am.

00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,513

Whoa, dude,

this is a school?

00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:16,139

Hello there.

I'm Bob Thomas,

00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:17,933

the coach for

the Denver Cougars.

00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,060

I'm Chef, coach of

the South Park Cows.

00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,478

Well, I certainly

want to thank you

00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,021

for bringing

your team down.

00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,731

Apparently nobody else

would play us

00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,066

because they knew

we'd just beat them silly.

00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,985

So I told

the school board

00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,194

to find me some hick school

from the mountains,

00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,529

and here you are.

00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:31,530

You're from

South Park, yeah?

00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,323

Yeah.

00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:34,992

My God, amazing where people

can live nowadays.

00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:36,910

Well, we might as well

get this over with,

00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,453

we got to start

thinking about D.C.

00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,914

Promise we won't

make it too painful.

00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:43,292

- Play ball!

00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:54,553

So where did you get

your degree, Nurse Gollum?

00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:55,804

Colorado State.

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,431

Oh!

00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,478

Sheila, could you

pass me the dead fetus?

00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:04,730

I mean, gravy.

00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,815

Ow!

00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,488

Damn it, come on!

00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,449

Somebody catch the ball!

00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:16,825

All right, boys, just five

more

00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,952

of the little bastards

to go!

00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,372

I caught it.

I caught it!

00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:23,999

Aw, that's not fair.

00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,250

He's so fat,

it stuck in his belly.

00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,960

South Park on offense!

00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,212

Great job, children,

just stay focused now.

00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,297

Go for it, Pip.

00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:31,798

Oh, bother.

00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:32,799

Come on, you Frenchy

little frog!

00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,553

Whoa,

great shot, Pip!

00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,932

So I hear that

the South Park Cows

00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,518

are playing for the state

finals in dodgeball tonight.

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,313

Yeah, but, you know,

it doesn't matter, though.

00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:48,815

The Denver team

always wins, okay.

00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,233

Oh, I don't know.

00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:51,777

I think our boys might just

have the dead fetus to win.

00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,236

Heart!

00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,988

Gerald,

keep your damn mouth shut!

00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,740

It's okay,

Ms. Broflovski, really.

00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,241

- Please forgive us.

00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,743

I'm terribly sorry,

Nurse Gollum.

00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:00,994

No, I'm quite

secure with it.

00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,746

- I have felt so bad

00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,581

ever since I heard the boys

making fun of you.

00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,041

They're just young boys.

00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,501

Joking is a way for them

to come to terms

00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,044

with what they

don't understand.

00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,712

Could I get

some more pork?

00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,047

So did you ever think

of just, you know,

00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,049

having it cut off?

00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,717

Yes, Principal Victoria,

the thought had occurred to me.

00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,427

Unfortunately,

it would mean my death.

00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,096

Oh, so I suppose

that's out.

00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,555

How about a hat, then?

00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:22,099

No, really--

00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:23,725

Yes, we could

get you a few hats,

00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,602

and wear a different one

every day--no big whoop.

00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,270

I really appreciate

what you're trying to do here,

00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,647

but it's not necessary.

00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:29,731

I'm a pretty happy person.

00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,608

I've got it!

00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,485

We could set aside a whole week

to make the public aware

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,320

of folks just like you!

00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:36,905

Oh, yes.

00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,532

A conjoined twin myslexia

awareness week.

00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:39,783

You know, that has a nice ring.

00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,535

But I don't think--

00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,328

The school could put out

pamphlets, okay.

00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,956

And we could have seminars

to educate, okay.

00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:47,749

Oh, this is so exciting!

00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:51,128

I'm gonna get the mayor

on the phone right now!

00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:00,220

You got

just one more, Pip.

00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,014

You get this kid,

and we are state champions.

00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,891

Yeah,

and if you don't,

00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:07,477

you're a big dumb-ass

European hippie piece of crap!

00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,730

Get him, Frenchy.

00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,733

South Park wins!

00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:14,860

We did it, children!

We did it.

00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,820

We're going to

Washington D.C.!

00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,823

Owee, it hurts.

00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:20,991

Owee!

00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,702

Mommy, it hurts,

it hurts!

00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,628

Oh, sorry about whupping

your ass there, Coach!

00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:37,632

♪ Ooh, baby, come on,

just whupped in the ass ♪

00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:40,886

♪ Gonna need some cream

for your ass ♪

00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,471

♪ It's all swollen

and red ♪

00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,181

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:46,725

this is indeed a great week

for South Park.

00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,436

Miss Hermans has opened

the east wing of the library,

00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:53,064

and our own South Park Cows

elementary school dodgeball team

00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,400

is going to

the national finals!

00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,402

Where they will undoubtedly

be beaten senseless

00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:00,155

by the

Washington team.

00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,325

But most importantly, this week

has brought to my attention

00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,660

a very serious

and dreaded disease,

00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:08,038

conjoined twin myslexia.

00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,040

And so it is

in honor of this

00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,042

that I declare

this exciting week

00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:16,087

as conjoined twin

myslexia week!

00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:19,007

And now let's kick off

our week-long festivities

00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:23,053

with the first annual

grand conjoined parade!

00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:25,722

Let's hear it

for these brave souls!

00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,775

What a glorious parade

that was.

00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:40,237

Let's hear it for

the parade coordinators!

00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:43,949

You know, Mayor, I really

should be

00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,200

accompanying those

kids to Washington

00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,201

in case

they get hurt.

00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,161

That is my job.

00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,497

Nonsense, this is your week.

You aren't going anywhere.

00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,290

- How much further is

Washington D.C.?

00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,917

Sit down, kid!

00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:55,335

- I need to know

how far it is, lady.

00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,379

I said, sit down!

00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,339

Yeah, whatever,

you old, dried up fat hog.

00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,132

What did you say?

00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,593

I said I've always

wanted to visit Prague.

00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,846

Oh, me too.

00:14:05,971 --> 00:14:07,347

Okay,

what have you got?

00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,057

Some Hadka fish, some

Gafagga...

00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,809

I got a jelly roll.

I got a jelly roll!

00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,227

Sweet,

jelly roll's perfect.

00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,354

Places.

00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:25,282

Damn, man, this is

the big time, all right.

00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:26,700

Chef, we're hungry.

00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,702

You can eat

after the game.

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:30,328

You children win this one

and you're national champions.

00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,372

Then you can go on

and play the Chinese.

00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,583

My mom says there's a lot

of black people in China.

00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,584

What?

00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:36,585

Are you Chef?

00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,336

Yeah.

00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,921

The Washington team

has forfeited the game.

00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,006

Congratulations,

you're national champions.

00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:42,299

What?

00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:43,592

We did it!

Children, we won!

00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:45,927

Wow,

that was easy.

00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,637

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear a round of applause

00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,806

for the new national champions

of dodgeball,

00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,933

the South Park Cows!

00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,312

Hey, why did

you guys forfeit?

00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,147

You mean you don't know?

- Know what?

00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,523

Last year's national

champions

00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,275

were the Austin

Pirates.

00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,651

They played China for

the world championship;

00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,737

only four of them

came back alive.

00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:07,157

Chinese dodgeball players

aren't like us.

00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:14,080

They do nothing but

dodgeball, day in and day out.

00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:16,333

They use steroids and

advanced training equipment

00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:18,793

to make them not kids,

but animals.

00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,633

Well, good luck, we've got

our futures to think about.

00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,092

Okay, children,

back in the bus.

00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,348

And so,

at this honorary dinner,

00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:33,850

we take a look back

at our beloved Nurse Gollum

00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,727

and the brave life

she has lived.

00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,395

Roll the tape please,

Mr. Garrison.

00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,773

Oh, no.

00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:43,652

♪ You've got the strength,

you've got the courage ♪

00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:47,405

♪ Even with a dead

fetus on your head ♪

00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,283

♪ You carry on ♪

00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:52,827

♪ You fight

for tomorrow ♪

00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:57,457

♪ Dead fetus, no,

you never let go ♪

00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,835

♪ You're my conjoined

twin dead thing ♪

00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:04,214

♪ Hanging off

your head, woman ♪

00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,591

Oh, that was

so touching!

00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,843

And now, friends,

it's time to present

00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,846

the lifetime conjoined twin

achievement award.

00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:14,307

This award goes to

outstanding conjoined twins

00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,309

who have made

a mark on society.

00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:18,395

And the winner is...

00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,271

Nurse Gollum.

00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,482

Nurse Gollum!

00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:25,402

Oh, boy.

00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:26,861

Excuse me, Mayor,

but I just received some news

00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:28,321

that you might all

be interested in.

00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,281

Our South Park cows

have just beaten

00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,367

the Washington dodgeball team

and are on their way to

00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,452

the world championship in

China.

00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,957

Okay, children,

now we're almost to China.

00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,626

I want you all to try

and focus on your game.

00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,586

But, Chef, we don't

want to play the Chinese.

00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:46,339

Nonsense! If we win this one,

we're world champions.

00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:48,341

But we could get killed!

00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,176

And just what price would

you pay for eternal glory?

00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:53,513

Just imagine a big yellow

dodgeball champion's banner

00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,515

hanging in the cafeteria--

imagine it.

00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,308

Dude, chef has lost it.

00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,227

You'll be on the news

all over the world.

00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,146

South Park will finally have

a sport that it's good at.

00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,648

Oh, children,

it'll be glorious.

00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:07,068

Sure, Captain Ahab

has to get his way, huh?

00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,404

Dude,

what does that mean?

00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,947

I don't know.

00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,449

Hey, isn't that kid

Kevin Chinese?

00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,242

Yeah,

you're from China.

00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,286

No, I'm from America.

My parents are Chinese.

00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:17,787

Tell us how the Chinese

play dodgeball.

00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:18,955

I have no idea, dude.

00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,582

Come on, rice picker!

00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,251

Hey, hey, hey!

Children, that's not cool.

00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:26,087

You don't make fun of somebody

because of their ethnicity.

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,839

You don't?

00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,215

But, Chef, you just ripped

on Chinese people.

00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:30,967

No, no, no, no,

that's different.

00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:33,344

I made fun of them

because they are from China.

00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,722

You see, it's not okay to

make fun of an American

00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,474

because they are black,

brown, or whatever.

00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:39,768

But it is okay

to make fun of foreigners

00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,228

because they're

from another country.

00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:43,438

Oh!

00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,564

All right.

- Yeah.

00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:51,362

It is with great pride that

we welcome our American friend.

00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:55,241

Now let the champion of

dodgeball be decide!

00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,207

Damn, dude,

China is up.

00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,666

Take places!

00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,043

- All right,

let's go, Cows!

00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,044

Let's show them

what we got!

00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:07,921

Okay, Tom,

00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:10,298

looks like Americans

are getting ready to play.

00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,510

I don't suppose they'll have

problems seeing the ball

00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:15,929

with their

big American eyes.

00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:19,974

Yeah, good thing they have

those big eyes,

00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,768

so that they don't

have to rely on that

00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,436

amazing

American intellect.

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,273

You say such things.

- That's a zinger.

00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,526

Play ball!

00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:31,444

Ah!

00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:33,988

Holy crap.

00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,198

Ooh!

00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:37,909

God damn!

00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,411

Hey, hey, what you call

white American person

00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:43,206

with a PhD in physics

and math?

00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:45,208

I don't know, what?

00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,584

Stupid American!

00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,504

Oh, boy!

00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,092

Another American

is down!

00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,970

It's number--

00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,139

I don't know.

All American look alike!

00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,271

Oh, my God,

they killed Kenny!

00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,647

You bastards.

00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,399

Oh, my,

00:19:09,524 --> 00:19:11,234

I haven't seen an

American die like that

00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,403

since Abraham Lincoln!

00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,114

Dude, that is not cool.

00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:17,740

You're gonna get us

into trouble again.

00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,617

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,412

on this fourth day of

Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week,

00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,914

all our prayers are with

our little South Park Cows,

00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,375

now playing

their hearts out in China.

00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,544

Now join me

in saluting our Cows

00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,380

and help make Nurse Gollum

not feel like an outcast

00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,384

with our first official

conjoined twin myslexia hats!

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,935

And there is only one

South Park player left!

00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,438

Still all

Chinese player!

00:19:48,563 --> 00:19:51,941

This should be over

very shortly!

00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,818

Come on! Throw ball!

00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,654

Hey, you want to hear my

impersonation of American?

00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:57,655

Yeah, yeah.

00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,073

Okay.

00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:01,159

Hey, I really,

really want that.

00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,368

That looks good.

00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:07,999

Hey, hey, let me try,

let me try.

00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,667

I'll use

my credit card.

00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:16,049

Do you have any

non-dairy creamer?

00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,428

Y'all come back

now, hear?

00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:27,185

Oh, what have I done?

00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,687

You know, Eric,

I just realized something.

00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,774

I've been obsessed,

and obsession isn't good.

00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:35,568

If we had won the world

championship, what then?

00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:38,029

It would only be a bigger

let down the next year

00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,906

if we didn't win.

00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:42,408

Our lives would have to

revolve around dodgeball.

00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:45,119

Our lives

were fine before.

00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,914

Oh, I'm sorry children.

I let it all go to my head.

00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:50,792

Can you ever

forgive me?

00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:54,379

Come on, forget this stupid

game. Let's go home.

00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:56,339

Come on, throw ball!

00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,759

Hey, if you want to make him

throw the ball say this...

00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,469

Thanks, you American

dumb-ass!

00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,264

"You French

piece of crap,

00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,556

"throw ball!

00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,016

"What's the matter,

Frenchy?

00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:09,269

You got crepes

in your ears?"

00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,576

And the winner is

South Park Cows!

00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,038

Everyone, everyone,

look, I won the game!

00:21:29,163 --> 00:21:30,248

We're world champions.

00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:32,000

Mr. Chef,

Mr. Chef,

00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:33,334

South Park is the world

champion in dodgeball!

00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:34,752

Oh, glorious day!

00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:36,421

Shut up, Pip.

00:21:36,546 --> 00:21:37,547

Yeah, shut up, Pip.

Can we go home now?

00:21:37,672 --> 00:21:39,424

Did you all see?

00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:40,550

I can't believe I threw

such a ball with my own arm.

00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:41,676

Shut up, Pip!

00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:46,139

As this year's Conjoined Twin

Myslexia Awareness Week

00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:47,724

draws to a close,

00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:49,684

I would like to personally

thank all of you

00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,894

for your enthusiastic

cooperation.

00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,230

Now let's hear it

one more time

00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:58,484

for our world champion

South Park Cows!

00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:00,445

What the hell is everyone

wearing on their heads?

00:22:00,570 --> 00:22:03,573

And now let's hear from

the woman of the week.

00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:07,410

The incredible, courageous

Nurse Gollum!

00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,203

Ah!

- Dude, it's the freak nurse!

00:22:09,329 --> 00:22:10,413

Holy crap!

00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,581

Damn it, Kyle.

00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:14,000

We've been working all week

against that kind of behavior.

00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:15,668

Sorry, dude,

we weren't here.

00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:19,088

Thank you, Mayor,

I don't know what to say.

00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:20,840

This has been

quite a week.

00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,467

She's really touched.

00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,093

What I really want to say is,

00:22:24,218 --> 00:22:26,346

well, this may sound odd

00:22:26,471 --> 00:22:28,806

coming from a woman with a

fetus sticking out of her head,

00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:33,394

but, you're all

a bunch of freaks!

00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:36,064

Uh, freaks with

big hearts!

00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:36,856

And now--

00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:39,567

- Don't you realize that

the last thing I ever wanted

00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:41,152

was to be singled out?

00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:43,696

I just wanted to do my job

and live my life

00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:45,323

like any

normal person,

00:22:45,448 --> 00:22:47,116

but instead you've made

everybody focus

00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:49,535

on my handicap

all week long!

00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,829

Look, I don't want to be

treated different.

00:22:51,954 --> 00:22:54,874

I don't want to be treated

special or treated gingerly.

00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:57,752

I just want to be ridiculed,

shouted at, and made fun of,

00:22:57,877 --> 00:22:59,462

like all the rest of you

do to each other.

00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:02,256

And take those stupid things

off your heads!

00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:07,470

Oh, my, what an

ungrateful bitch.

00:23:07,595 --> 00:23:09,222

Yeah, the nerve

of some people.

00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:11,099

Hey, you know that nurse

is actually pretty cool.

00:23:11,224 --> 00:23:13,684

Yeah, maybe that dead fetus

makes her smarter.

00:23:13,810 --> 00:23:15,478

I love you guys.

00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,649

Screw you guys.

00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:22,276

♪ Carry on ♪

00:23:22,402 --> 00:23:27,115

♪ Dead fetus, no,

you never let go ♪

00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,284

♪ You're my conjoined twin

dead thing ♪

00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:32,995

♪ Hanging off

your head, woman ♪

00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:08,926

- [singing indistinctly]

00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:16,058

♪♪

00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:24,066

♪♪

00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,403

- Oh, hi, everybody.

00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,238

- You just caught Matt and I

doing what we love to do most,

00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,906

entertaining senior citizens at

a retirement home.

00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,951

Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, gang.

00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:36,120

Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, I said!

00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,122

[together]

Hi.

00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:39,457

- We're glad you're watching

this episode of "South Park,"

00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:41,333

because it's our favorite

episode.

00:00:41,459 --> 00:00:42,960

That's right; it's called

"Conjoined Fetus Lady,"

00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,336

and it's all about the kids'

exciting

00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:46,338

dodgeball tournament in China.

00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:48,299

Trey and I got the idea for

this episode when we visited

00:00:48,424 --> 00:00:49,884

Beijing, China, together.

00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,802

That's right; we saw the

Great Wall,

00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,679

the Forbidden City,

and even Tiananmen Square,

00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,765

where Chinese students

were killed by soldiers.

00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:58,225

Here we are reenacting the

Tiananmen Square massacre.

00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,438

- After we got out of jail for

reenacting

00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,690

the Tiananmen Square massacre,

we went back home and thought,

00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:07,526

"Wow, China is really stupid.

Let's make fun of it."

00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,570

So we did.

00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:11,739

And this show also has that

old "woman who has a twin that

00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:14,658

died during childbirth attached

to her head" joke in it.

00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:16,744

Isn't that funny, gang?

00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:18,496

Isn't that funny, I said?

00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:21,123

Answer him, you [bleep]

pieces of [bleep].

00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,167

God damn it.

We come and [bleep] perform

00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,002

for you, and you sit there like

a bunch of [bleep] corpses.

00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:28,172

[bleep] you.

I [bleep] hate you.

00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:33,260

So sit back, relax, and

enjoy "Conjoined Fetus Lady."

00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:37,014

- [singing indistinctly]

00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:46,774

[twangy music]

00:01:46,899 --> 00:01:48,275

- ♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,277

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,987

all: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:53,531

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:54,990

- ♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,826

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,536

- ♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,037

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:01,539

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:03,290

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:06,460

[singing indistinctly]

00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:07,962

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:09,755

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:13,134

Okay, children,

it's Friday.

00:02:13,259 --> 00:02:15,052

And you know what that means

for P.E. class.

00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:17,888

We're gonna

play dodgeball.

00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:19,515

[all sighing, grumbling]

00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,891

We don't want to

play dodgeball. It hurts.

00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,059

Yeah.

- So let's have half

00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,602

the children on this side,

00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,479

and half the children

on that side.

00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,189

Excuse me a moment,

gentlemen.

00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:28,899

I don't believe I know how

to play dodgeball.

00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:30,609

- What? Don't you have

dodgeball in France?

00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,735

Well, no, and actually

I'm not from France.

00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:33,487

Look, Pip,

the rules are simple.

00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:34,864

A kid from that team tries

to bean a kid on our team

00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:35,906

in the head with

a big red ball.

00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,449

Oh, dear.

00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:38,576

If the ball hits you,

you're out.

00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,452

But if you catch the ball,

he's out.

00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:42,288

And the last team to still

have anybody standing wins.

00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:43,539

Oh, what

jolly good fun.

00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,332

No, it isn't,

it hurts!

00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:46,625

I can't believe they let us

play this in school.

00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,544

[whistle chirps]

Play ball!

00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,087

[grunts]

- Ow! [cries]

00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:51,922

- Damn it,

we lost one already!

00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,425

- You're out, Clyde.

00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:57,178

Jordan, Swanson,

pull forward, we need backup.

00:02:57,303 --> 00:02:58,846

[squeaks]

00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:00,472

We're losing men

fast out here.

00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:02,099

[grunts]

00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:04,810

Concentrate on your game.

Be the ball.

00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,938

I caught it.

I caught it!

00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,357

Great catch, Kyle.

Now your team's on offense.

00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,442

Here, Pip,

you throw.

00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:12,776

Oh, no, I couldn't.

00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:14,486

Come on, limey,

don't be a wuss.

00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:15,905

Are you gonna be a French

pansy your whole life?

00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:17,239

I'm not French.

00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,116

Throw the ball,

you stupid frog!

00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:20,326

God damn, maybe if you didn't

eat all those croissants,

00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:21,869

you'd be able--

Ow!

00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:23,829

Okay, that was

pretty good, Pip.

00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,289

But you're supposed to hit

the kids on the other team.

00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,499

Ow, my nose!

You broke my nose!

00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:29,084

- Damn, Pip, I didn't know

you had it in you.

00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,794

Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry.

00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,963

That nose is bleeding

pretty bad, Kyle.

00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:35,257

I think you might have to go

to the nurse's office.

00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,801

[all gasping]

00:03:37,927 --> 00:03:39,678

No, no,

it'll be okay.

00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,431

Sorry, son, you'll have to

let the nurse look at it.

00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,225

Come on.

- No! No!

00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:47,228

- Dude, he's going

to the nurse's office.

00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:49,813

I heard the school nurse

is hideously deformed.

00:03:49,939 --> 00:03:52,650

I heard she has tentacles

and eats children for lunch.

00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:55,986

Stan, has anybody

actually seen the nurse

00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:57,738

and come back

to tell about it?

00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:00,074

No, Cartman,

nobody ever has.

00:04:02,368 --> 00:04:05,246

[mysterious music]

00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:12,378

♪♪

00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,047

Are you

Kyle Broflovski?

00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,298

Yes.

00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,508

I'm the school nurse.

00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:18,509

Did you hurt your nose?

00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:20,177

Y-yes.

00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:21,345

Young man, why do you have

your eyes closed?

00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,638

I'm not gonna hurt you.

00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:26,183

I know.

- So open them.

00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:28,310

Oh.

00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:29,770

Whew.

00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,355

- Now, what seems

to be the problem?

00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:32,815

I just hit my nose

playing dodgeball.

00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,733

Oh, well, I'll get you

an ice pack.

00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,485

[shrieks]

00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,487

What?

- [continues shrieking]

00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,698

Oh, I see you've

noticed my disorder.

00:04:40,823 --> 00:04:43,200

I have a stillborn fetus growth

attached to my head.

00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,160

[screaming]

00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,331

And when she moved up and down,

the little fetus jiggled.

00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,416

[together]

Ew!

00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,293

Did it talk?

00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:53,877

The little fetus, did it talk?

- No, no. It looked dead.

00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:55,337

[together]

Ew!

00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,047

Was it

wearing clothes?

00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,841

Dude, where is she gonna

get fetus clothes?

00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,135

Oh, yeah.

- Ew.

00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,012

[together]

Ew!

00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,306

And then she walked over--

- Kyle, that is enough!

00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,765

I've been reading up on

your poor nurse's condition

00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,350

and it is nothing

to be made fun of.

00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,477

It's called

"conjoined twin myslexia."

00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,854

Who the hell cares

what it's called,

00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,522

as long as she

doesn't touch me.

00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,940

Now, that's just

the kind of unawareness

00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,066

that we need to

fight against.

00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,569

Sit down, boys.

00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:21,071

You see, boys, sometimes

when babies are born,

00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,781

they're born

as twins.

00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,491

But sometimes the twins

get hooked together

00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:27,578

and they're born

as Siamese twins.

00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:28,912

[together]

Gross!

00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:30,664

But sometimes,

00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:32,082

after the Siamese twins

are joined together,

00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,084

one of the twins

dies before birth.

00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,962

The living baby is born with

the dead baby still attached.

00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:40,090

Sometimes this dead twin

is inside the living person,

00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,634

so even you could have

a dead twin inside you

00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:43,927

and not even

know it.

00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:45,888

[both screaming]

00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,390

So now that you're educated

about her disease,

00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,559

you won't need to make fun

of her, right, booby?

00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:55,064

Uh, yeah.

00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,816

[laughing]

00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,902

Can you imagine

that poor, poor woman?

00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,779

Mm-hmm.

00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:03,864

- Feeling like an outcast,

being ridiculed every day.

00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:04,907

Mm-hmm.

00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,241

[phone rings]

00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,868

Hello?

00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,411

Hello, Sheila,

it's Sharon, Stan's mother.

00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,121

Oh, yes, hello, Sharon.

00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,207

Sheila, I was just wondering

if you might know

00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:15,876

why my son is trying to split

his head open with an ice pick.

00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,586

No, I have

to get it out!

00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,838

Well, Sharon, I was trying

to educate them

00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,924

about

conjoined twin myslexia.

00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,550

So this is your fault.

- Okay--oh--damn it!

00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,386

Would you

do me a favor?

00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:26,929

Next time you want to scare

the hell out of my child,

00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,430

just go outside

and sit in the road

00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,058

till a truck

runs you over instead.

00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:32,935

That does it!

00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,896

I must educate the entire town

about this awful disease!

00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:38,190

Mm-hmm.

00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,733

Dude, I don't get it.

00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,402

Why are we playing

dodgeball again?

00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:42,528

Yeah, I thought we only

play it on Fridays.

00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:44,571

Children, great news!

00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,282

We've been asked to play in

the state finals for dodgeball.

00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:48,325

[all groan]

00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,369

Aw, do we have to?

00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:51,787

Can't we play with that big

parachute again or something?

00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,205

You don't understand,

children,

00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,957

if we can win state,

00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,959

we can play in the nationals

in Washington D.C.

00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,544

Hey, they have

a zoo there!

00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,087

That's right.

Now, come on,

00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,464

we have a lot

of practicing to do.

00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,924

- Aren't we supposed

to have won something

00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,592

in order to go

to state finals?

00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:06,760

Hey, Pip, you want to be

on my team again?

00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,554

I'd love to!

00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:10,222

Yeah, just try not to send

anybody

00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,057

to that monster nurse

this time, Frenchy.

00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,642

- Hey, I get quite disturbed

when you call me that!

00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,144

You shouldn't make fun

of foreigners.

00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:16,437

And besides,

I hate French people.

00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:17,438

[whistle chirps]

[grunts]

00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:18,439

[yelps]

00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:21,024

[all laughing]

00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,569

Well, Mrs. Broflovski,

it certainly is a thrill

00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,195

seeing your

cheery face again.

00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,780

What seems to be

pissing you off today?

00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,323

Nothing is pissing me off.

00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:30,242

I just want to

start a movement!

00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,035

Of course you do.

00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:35,122

I want to talk to you all

about your school nurse.

00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:38,459

Nurse Gollum is absolutely

qualified to be a--

00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,210

No, no, no, I'm not

upset about her.

00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,671

I want to make

the public aware of her.

00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,506

Her disease should be

brought to light

00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,134

so that it could be understood

rather than made fun of.

00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:49,136

Ooh, and, uh,

what disease is that?

00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:50,762

Principal Victoria,

00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:54,057

Nurse Gollum has

conjoined twin myslexia.

00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,767

What's that?

00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:57,227

- She has a dead fetus

attached to her head.

00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:58,729

[gasps]

She does?

00:07:58,854 --> 00:08:00,689

You, uh--you never

noticed that?

00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,441

No, I never did.

00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,693

Well, that's exactly

what I'm talking about.

00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:07,112

This poor woman is forced

to live in the shadows

00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,114

because she feels

like an outcast.

00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,241

It is up to us to make her

feel comfortable

00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,076

and welcome

in our town.

00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:16,413

Did you say a fetus

sticking out from her head?

00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,499

I want to invite your nurse

to a dinner party

00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,501

at my house

this evening.

00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,337

I'd appreciate it if both you

and Mr. Mackey would attend.

00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:25,255

Do we have to eat

kosher stuff?

00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,715

Well, I'll talk to Nurse

Gollum,

00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:27,966

but I'm sure she'll be

delighted.

00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,051

Let's say around 8:00?

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,886

Wonderful.

00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,055

Now, you did say she has

a fetus on her head?

00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,267

Okay, children,

00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,854

now who's gonna

win the state finals?

00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,648

Denver?

00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:44,566

♪ Here we go, Cows,

here we go, uh, uh ♪

00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,693

♪ Here we go Cows,

here we go ♪

00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:47,819

♪ Uh, uh ♪

00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,449

I think we need to

get off on this exit.

00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,451

Sit down, kid!

00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,495

But it's quicker to get to

the Denver school that way.

00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,164

Do you want

an office referral?

00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,999

How many times do I have to

explain this to you?

00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,584

I'm not a student.

00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:03,752

You can't give me

an office referral.

00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,504

I said, sit down!

00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:06,630

Yes, ma'am.

00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,513

Whoa, dude,

this is a school?

00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:16,139

Hello there.

I'm Bob Thomas,

00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:17,933

the coach for

the Denver Cougars.

00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,060

I'm Chef, coach of

the South Park Cows.

00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,478

Well, I certainly

want to thank you

00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,021

for bringing

your team down.

00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,731

Apparently nobody else

would play us

00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,066

because they knew

we'd just beat them silly.

00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,985

So I told

the school board

00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,194

to find me some hick school

from the mountains,

00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,529

and here you are.

00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:31,530

You're from

South Park, yeah?

00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,323

Yeah.

00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:34,992

My God, amazing where people

can live nowadays.

00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:36,910

Well, we might as well

get this over with,

00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,453

we got to start

thinking about D.C.

00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,914

Promise we won't

make it too painful.

00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,165

[whistle chirps]

00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:43,292

- Play ball!

00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:54,553

So where did you get

your degree, Nurse Gollum?

00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:55,804

Colorado State.

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,431

[together]

Oh!

00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,478

Sheila, could you

pass me the dead fetus?

00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:04,730

I mean, gravy.

00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,815

Ow!

00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:12,237

[grunts]

00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,488

Damn it, come on!

00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,449

Somebody catch the ball!

00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:16,825

All right, boys, just five

more

00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,952

of the little bastards

to go!

00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,372

I caught it.

I caught it!

00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:23,999

Aw, that's not fair.

00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,250

He's so fat,

it stuck in his belly.

00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,960

South Park on offense!

00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,212

Great job, children,

just stay focused now.

00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,297

Go for it, Pip.

00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:31,798

Oh, bother.

00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:32,799

Come on, you Frenchy

little frog!

00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,259

[yells]

00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,553

Whoa,

great shot, Pip!

00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,932

So I hear that

the South Park Cows

00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,518

are playing for the state

finals in dodgeball tonight.

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,313

Yeah, but, you know,

it doesn't matter, though.

00:10:46,438 --> 00:10:48,815

The Denver team

always wins, okay.

00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,233

Oh, I don't know.

00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:51,777

I think our boys might just

have the dead fetus to win.

00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,236

Heart!

00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,988

Gerald,

keep your damn mouth shut!

00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,740

It's okay,

Ms. Broflovski, really.

00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,241

- Please forgive us.

00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,743

I'm terribly sorry,

Nurse Gollum.

00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:00,994

No, I'm quite

secure with it.

00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,746

- I have felt so bad

00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,581

ever since I heard the boys

making fun of you.

00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,041

They're just young boys.

00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,501

Joking is a way for them

to come to terms

00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,044

with what they

don't understand.

00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,712

Could I get

some more pork?

00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,047

So did you ever think

of just, you know,

00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,049

having it cut off?

00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,717

Yes, Principal Victoria,

the thought had occurred to me.

00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,427

Unfortunately,

it would mean my death.

00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,096

Oh, so I suppose

that's out.

00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,555

How about a hat, then?

00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:22,099

No, really--

00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:23,725

Yes, we could

get you a few hats,

00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,602

and wear a different one

every day--no big whoop.

00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,270

I really appreciate

what you're trying to do here,

00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:28,647

but it's not necessary.

00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:29,731

I'm a pretty happy person.

00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,608

I've got it!

00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,485

We could set aside a whole week

to make the public aware

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,320

of folks just like you!

00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:36,905

Oh, yes.

00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,532

A conjoined twin myslexia

awareness week.

00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:39,783

You know, that has a nice ring.

00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,535

But I don't think--

00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,328

The school could put out

pamphlets, okay.

00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,956

And we could have seminars

to educate, okay.

00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:47,749

Oh, this is so exciting!

00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:51,128

I'm gonna get the mayor

on the phone right now!

00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:00,220

You got

just one more, Pip.

00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,014

You get this kid,

and we are state champions.

00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,891

Yeah,

and if you don't,

00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:07,477

you're a big dumb-ass

European hippie piece of crap!

00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,730

Get him, Frenchy.

- [yells]

00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:11,231

[grunts]

00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,733

South Park wins!

00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:14,860

We did it, children!

We did it.

00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,820

We're going to

Washington D.C.!

00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,823

[sobbing]

Owee, it hurts.

00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:20,991

Owee!

00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,702

Mommy, it hurts,

it hurts!

00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,747

[laughter]

00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,625

[applause]

00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,628

Oh, sorry about whupping

your ass there, Coach!

00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:37,632

♪ Ooh, baby, come on,

just whupped in the ass ♪

00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:40,886

♪ Gonna need some cream

for your ass ♪

00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,471

♪ It's all swollen

and red ♪

00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,181

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:46,725

this is indeed a great week

for South Park.

00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,436

Miss Hermans has opened

the east wing of the library,

00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:53,064

and our own South Park Cows

elementary school dodgeball team

00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,400

is going to

the national finals!

00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,402

Where they will undoubtedly

be beaten senseless

00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:00,155

by the

Washington team.

00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,325

But most importantly, this week

has brought to my attention

00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,660

a very serious

and dreaded disease,

00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:08,038

conjoined twin myslexia.

00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,040

And so it is

in honor of this

00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,042

that I declare

this exciting week

00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:16,087

as conjoined twin

myslexia week!

00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:19,007

And now let's kick off

our week-long festivities

00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:23,053

with the first annual

grand conjoined parade!

00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:25,722

Let's hear it

for these brave souls!

00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:28,725

[upbeat marching band music]

00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:34,481

♪♪

00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,775

What a glorious parade

that was.

00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:40,237

Let's hear it for

the parade coordinators!

00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:42,405

[cheers and applause]

00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:43,949

You know, Mayor, I really

should be

00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,200

accompanying those

kids to Washington

00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,201

in case

they get hurt.

00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,161

That is my job.

00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,497

Nonsense, this is your week.

You aren't going anywhere.

00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,290

- How much further is

Washington D.C.?

00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,917

Sit down, kid!

00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:55,335

- I need to know

how far it is, lady.

00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,379

I said, sit down!

00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,339

Yeah, whatever,

you old, dried up fat hog.

00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,132

What did you say?

00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,593

I said I've always

wanted to visit Prague.

00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,846

Oh, me too.

00:14:05,971 --> 00:14:07,347

Okay,

what have you got?

00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,057

Some Hadka fish, some

Gafagga...

00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,809

I got a jelly roll.

I got a jelly roll!

00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,227

Sweet,

jelly roll's perfect.

00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,354

Places.

00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,273

[screams]

00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:17,315

[children yelling]

00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,818

[crashing]

00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:25,282

Damn, man, this is

the big time, all right.

00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:26,700

Chef, we're hungry.

00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,702

You can eat

after the game.

00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:30,328

You children win this one

and you're national champions.

00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,372

Then you can go on

and play the Chinese.

00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,583

My mom says there's a lot

of black people in China.

00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,584

What?

00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:36,585

Are you Chef?

00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,336

Yeah.

00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,921

The Washington team

has forfeited the game.

00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,006

Congratulations,

you're national champions.

00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:42,299

What?

00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:43,592

We did it!

Children, we won!

00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:45,927

Wow,

that was easy.

00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,637

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear a round of applause

00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,806

for the new national champions

of dodgeball,

00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,933

the South Park Cows!

00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,560

[crowd jeers]

00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,312

Hey, why did

you guys forfeit?

00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,147

You mean you don't know?

- Know what?

00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,523

Last year's national

champions

00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,275

were the Austin

Pirates.

00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,651

They played China for

the world championship;

00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,737

only four of them

came back alive.

00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:07,157

Chinese dodgeball players

aren't like us.

00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:11,161

[yelling in Chinese]

00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:14,080

They do nothing but

dodgeball, day in and day out.

00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:16,333

They use steroids and

advanced training equipment

00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:18,793

to make them not kids,

but animals.

00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,633

Well, good luck, we've got

our futures to think about.

00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,092

Okay, children,

back in the bus.

00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,348

And so,

at this honorary dinner,

00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:33,850

we take a look back

at our beloved Nurse Gollum

00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,727

and the brave life

she has lived.

00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,395

Roll the tape please,

Mr. Garrison.

00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,773

Oh, no.

00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:43,652

♪ You've got the strength,

you've got the courage ♪

00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:47,405

♪ Even with a dead

fetus on your head ♪

00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,283

♪ You carry on ♪

00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:52,827

♪ You fight

for tomorrow ♪

00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:57,457

♪ Dead fetus, no,

you never let go ♪

00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,835

♪ You're my conjoined

twin dead thing ♪

00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:04,214

♪ Hanging off

your head, woman ♪

00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,591

Oh, that was

so touching!

00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,843

And now, friends,

it's time to present

00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,846

the lifetime conjoined twin

achievement award.

00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:14,307

This award goes to

outstanding conjoined twins

00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,309

who have made

a mark on society.

00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:18,395

And the winner is...

00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,271

Nurse Gollum.

00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,482

Nurse Gollum!

00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:23,566

[cheers and applause]

00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:25,402

Oh, boy.

00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:26,861

Excuse me, Mayor,

but I just received some news

00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:28,321

that you might all

be interested in.

00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,281

Our South Park cows

have just beaten

00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,367

the Washington dodgeball team

and are on their way to

00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,452

the world championship in

China.

00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,538

[applause]

00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,957

Okay, children,

now we're almost to China.

00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,626

I want you all to try

and focus on your game.

00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,586

But, Chef, we don't

want to play the Chinese.

00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:46,339

Nonsense! If we win this one,

we're world champions.

00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:48,341

But we could get killed!

00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,176

And just what price would

you pay for eternal glory?

00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:53,513

Just imagine a big yellow

dodgeball champion's banner

00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,515

hanging in the cafeteria--

imagine it.

00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,308

Dude, chef has lost it.

00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,227

You'll be on the news

all over the world.

00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,146

South Park will finally have

a sport that it's good at.

00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,648

Oh, children,

it'll be glorious.

00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:07,068

Sure, Captain Ahab

has to get his way, huh?

00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,404

Dude,

what does that mean?

00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,947

I don't know.

00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,449

Hey, isn't that kid

Kevin Chinese?

00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,242

Yeah,

you're from China.

00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,286

No, I'm from America.

My parents are Chinese.

00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:17,787

Tell us how the Chinese

play dodgeball.

00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:18,955

I have no idea, dude.

00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,582

Come on, rice picker!

00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,251

Hey, hey, hey!

Children, that's not cool.

00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:26,087

You don't make fun of somebody

because of their ethnicity.

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,839

You don't?

00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,215

But, Chef, you just ripped

on Chinese people.

00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:30,967

No, no, no, no,

that's different.

00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:33,344

I made fun of them

because they are from China.

00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,722

You see, it's not okay to

make fun of an American

00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,474

because they are black,

brown, or whatever.

00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:39,768

But it is okay

to make fun of foreigners

00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,228

because they're

from another country.

00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:43,438

[together]

Oh!

00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,564

All right.

- Yeah.

00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,649

[screams]

00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:51,362

It is with great pride that

we welcome our American friend.

00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:55,241

Now let the champion of

dodgeball be decide!

00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:56,493

[gong sounds]

00:17:56,618 --> 00:18:00,705

[exotic music plays]

00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,207

Damn, dude,

China is [bleep] up.

00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,666

Take places!

00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,043

- All right,

let's go, Cows!

00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:06,044

Let's show them

what we got!

00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:07,921

Okay, Tom,

00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:10,298

looks like Americans

are getting ready to play.

00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,510

I don't suppose they'll have

problems seeing the ball

00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:15,929

with their

big American eyes.

00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,014

[both laughing]

00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:19,974

Yeah, good thing they have

those big eyes,

00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,768

so that they don't

have to rely on that

00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,436

amazing

American intellect.

00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,063

[both laughing]

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,273

You say such things.

- That's a zinger.

00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,526

Play ball!

00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:31,444

Ah!

00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:32,445

[cheers and applause]

00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:33,988

Holy crap.

00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,198

Ooh!

00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,199

[gasps]

00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:37,909

God damn!

00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,411

Hey, hey, what you call

white American person

00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:43,206

with a PhD in physics

and math?

00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:45,208

I don't know, what?

00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,584

Stupid American!

00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,504

[both laughing]

Oh, boy!

00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,047

[squeals]

00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,340

[grunts]

00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,092

Another American

is down!

00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,970

It's number--

00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,139

I don't know.

All American look alike!

00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,640

[both laughing]

00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,184

[grunts]

00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,644

[cheers and applause]

00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,271

Oh, my God,

they killed Kenny!

00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,647

[weakly] You bastards.

00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,399

Oh, my,

00:19:09,524 --> 00:19:11,234

I haven't seen an

American die like that

00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,403

since Abraham Lincoln!

00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:14,487

[laughs]

00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,114

Dude, that is not cool.

00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:17,740

You're gonna get us

into trouble again.

00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,617

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,412

on this fourth day of

Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week,

00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,914

all our prayers are with

our little South Park Cows,

00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,375

now playing

their hearts out in China.

00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,544

Now join me

in saluting our Cows

00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,380

and help make Nurse Gollum

not feel like an outcast

00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,384

with our first official

conjoined twin myslexia hats!

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,935

And there is only one

South Park player left!

00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,438

Still all

Chinese player!

00:19:48,563 --> 00:19:51,941

This should be over

very shortly!

00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,818

Come on! Throw ball!

00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,654

Hey, you want to hear my

impersonation of American?

00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:57,655

Yeah, yeah.

00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,073

Okay.

00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:01,159

Hey, I really,

really want that.

00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,368

That looks good.

00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:05,371

[both laughing]

00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:07,999

Hey, hey, let me try,

let me try.

00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,667

I'll use

my credit card.

00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:13,213

[both laughing]

00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:16,049

Do you have any

non-dairy creamer?

00:20:16,174 --> 00:20:18,468

[both laughing]

00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,428

Y'all come back

now, hear?

00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,430

[both laughing hysterically]

00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:27,185

Oh, what have I done?

00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,687

You know, Eric,

I just realized something.

00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,774

I've been obsessed,

and obsession isn't good.

00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:35,568

If we had won the world

championship, what then?

00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:38,029

It would only be a bigger

let down the next year

00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,906

if we didn't win.

00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:42,408

Our lives would have to

revolve around dodgeball.

00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:45,119

Our lives

were fine before.

00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,914

Oh, I'm sorry children.

I let it all go to my head.

00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:50,792

Can you ever

forgive me?

00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:54,379

Come on, forget this stupid

game. Let's go home.

00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:56,339

Come on, throw ball!

00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,759

Hey, if you want to make him

throw the ball say this...

00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,469

Thanks, you American

dumb-ass!

00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,264

"You French

piece of crap,

00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,556

"throw ball!

00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,016

"What's the matter,

Frenchy?

00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:09,269

You got crepes

in your ears?"

00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,853

[all giggling]

00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:12,355

[screams]

00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:15,733

[all gasp]

00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,821

[grunting, yelping]

00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:25,576

And the winner is

South Park Cows!

00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:27,287

[exotic music plays]

00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:29,038

Everyone, everyone,

look, I won the game!

00:21:29,163 --> 00:21:30,248

We're world champions.

00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:32,000

Mr. Chef,

Mr. Chef,

00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:33,334

South Park is the world

champion in dodgeball!

00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:34,752

Oh, glorious day!

00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:36,421

Shut up, Pip.

00:21:36,546 --> 00:21:37,547

Yeah, shut up, Pip.

Can we go home now?

00:21:37,672 --> 00:21:39,424

Did you all see?

00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:40,550

I can't believe I threw

such a ball with my own arm.

00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:41,676

[all]

Shut up, Pip!

00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:46,139

As this year's Conjoined Twin

Myslexia Awareness Week

00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:47,724

draws to a close,

00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:49,684

I would like to personally

thank all of you

00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,894

for your enthusiastic

cooperation.

00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,230

Now let's hear it

one more time

00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:58,484

for our world champion

South Park Cows!

00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:00,445

What the hell is everyone

wearing on their heads?

00:22:00,570 --> 00:22:03,573

And now let's hear from

the woman of the week.

00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:07,410

The incredible, courageous

Nurse Gollum!

00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,203

Ah!

- Dude, it's the freak nurse!

00:22:09,329 --> 00:22:10,413

Holy crap!

00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,581

Damn it, Kyle.

00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:14,000

We've been working all week

against that kind of behavior.

00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:15,668

Sorry, dude,

we weren't here.

00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:19,088

Thank you, Mayor,

I don't know what to say.

00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:20,840

This has been

quite a week.

00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,467

She's really touched.

00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,093

What I really want to say is,

00:22:24,218 --> 00:22:26,346

well, this may sound odd

00:22:26,471 --> 00:22:28,806

coming from a woman with a

fetus sticking out of her head,

00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:33,394

but, you're all

a bunch of freaks!

00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:36,064

Uh, freaks with

big hearts!

00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:36,856

And now--

00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:39,567

- Don't you realize that

the last thing I ever wanted

00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:41,152

was to be singled out?

00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:43,696

I just wanted to do my job

and live my life

00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:45,323

like any

normal person,

00:22:45,448 --> 00:22:47,116

but instead you've made

everybody focus

00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:49,535

on my handicap

all week long!

00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,829

Look, I don't want to be

treated different.

00:22:51,954 --> 00:22:54,874

I don't want to be treated

special or treated gingerly.

00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:57,752

I just want to be ridiculed,

shouted at, and made fun of,

00:22:57,877 --> 00:22:59,462

like all the rest of you

do to each other.

00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:02,256

And take those stupid things

off your heads!

00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:07,470

Oh, my, what an

ungrateful bitch.

00:23:07,595 --> 00:23:09,222

Yeah, the nerve

of some people.

00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:11,099

Hey, you know that nurse

is actually pretty cool.

00:23:11,224 --> 00:23:13,684

Yeah, maybe that dead fetus

makes her smarter.

00:23:13,810 --> 00:23:15,478

I love you guys.

00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,649

Screw you guys.

00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:22,276

♪ Carry on ♪

00:23:22,402 --> 00:23:27,115

♪ Dead fetus, no,

you never let go ♪

00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,284

♪ You're my conjoined twin

dead thing ♪

00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:32,995

♪ Hanging off

your head, woman ♪