Куролюб

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♪ I'ma say, hey ♪

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♪ Death live long,

death come for you! ♪

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♪ Baby, you don't know,

you don't know me! ♪

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♪ I don't know you! ♪

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♪ You know nothing! ♪

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♪ Livin' a lie,

livin' a lie! ♪

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♪ You're living a lie! ♪

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♪ You're living a lie! ♪

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Oh, hi, everybody.

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You just caught Matt and I

doing what we love to do most,

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entertaining senior citizens

at a retirement home.

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Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, gang.

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Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, I said!

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Hi.

- What you're about to see

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is our favorite episode

of "South Park."

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It's called "Chicken Lover,"

and it's about a man

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who likes to have sex

with chickens.

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That's right, Matt.

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You know,

sex with chickens

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dates back to the

late 1800s when--

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Excuse me.

- What?

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Can we leave?

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No, you can't leave.

We're entertaining you.

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You're talking

to the camera.

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Hey, just keep

your damn pants on!

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This is our other job,

all right?

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I have other things

to do, too.

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Sit down, or else it's ninja

star in the forehead for you.

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Anyway, this episode also deals

with the wonders of reading.

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That's right.

Reading used to be a fun form

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of entertainment, but now

we have TV, so who needs it?

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I have to leave.

- Kick ba--

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Kick back, relax--

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I must--I must leave.

- Ninja star!

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Sit back, relax,

and enjoy

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this episode of "South Park,"

"Chicken Lover."

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♪ Get me off! ♪

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♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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- ♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

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- ♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

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- ♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

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♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

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Okay, children, each of you

gets to choose two books

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from the Booktastic Bus.

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Reading sucks ass.

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Eric, shut up!

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Boring. Boring.

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Gay. Boring, boring.

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Hey, you guys,

check out these books.

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Sabrina Unchained.

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Wow, these books look cool.

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Hey, there's a lot of

big words in these books.

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Hello, kids.

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I see you're discovering

the magic of reading.

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Who are you?

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I drive the Booktastic Bus,

where magic begins.

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You see, reading opens up

whole new worlds to you.

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You can take a canoe

down the Amazon,

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or go back in time to Camelot,

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or become a race car driver,

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all by just opening a book.

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Just like magic.

The magic of reading.

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Gosh, shut up, dude.

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Go ahead and pick

any books you like,

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then give in,

give in to the magic.

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If we read, are we gonna

become like that guy?

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Yeah, this is stupid;

books aren't magical.

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I don't know, I'm kind of

getting

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a tingly feeling

looking at these.

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I don't know, let's go see.

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Well, being an officer of the

peace means a lot of things.

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It's a hard job,

but then again, I'm a hard man.

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A lot of people think

that in a small town

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there isn't a lot

for the law to do.

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Well, they're wrong.

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All units, all units,

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report to 2-5-4

Avenue de los Mexicanos.

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Possible hostile situation.

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There, you see?

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This could be a bank robbery,

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or possibly even a murder!

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This ain't

no Podunk little town.

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And, Barbrady,

your wife called--

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she wants you to get

some pizza on the way home.

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Goddamnit!

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Cool. What is it? What is it?

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- Okay, people, move along.

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There's nothing to see here.

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What's the trouble?

Where's the body?

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- Barbrady, I just caught

some guy in here

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having sex with

one of my chickens.

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Uh, oh.

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My god, that's disgusting.

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Whoa, dude, how do you

have sex with a chicken?

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Uh, boys, you move along.

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This isn't

for young eyes to see.

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Did you get a good look

at the suspect?

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No, I didn't see anything.

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It just happened so fast.

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Well, uh, this is quite

interesting, huh, guys?

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Uh, we're gonna go

grab some lunch

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and maybe get some shots

of those turtles

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down at the pond.

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Ah, camel poo!

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Hey, what's this?

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It looks like a note.

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Give me that!

That's a clue

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and you'll get your

stinky DNA all over it.

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What does it say?

- Uh, it says...

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Uh, "Sorry I had sex

with a chicken.

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I won't do it again. Bye, bye."

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Well, there you have it,

case closed.

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Dammit, Barbrady, what

the hell's wrong with you?

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Every time something happens

in this town,

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you say "Nothing to see here"

and "Case closed",

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but we want justice!

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We have to find this sicko!

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I said return to your homes

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before I start

arresting people!

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For what? Orderly conduct?

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How about fishing

without a license?

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I'm not fishing.

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What do you call this then?

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If you do not comply,

I'll be forced

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to execute

each and every one of you

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by gunshot to the head.

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That's right,

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return to your simple lives.

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Just forget this ever happened.

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Forget,

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forget.

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Wow, Barbrady

sure is acting weird.

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Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.

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Welcome to Fran's,

can I help you?

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Sir, can I help you?

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Uh, just give me

two cheeseburgers

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and some jalapeno poppers.

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Sir, there's just one

problem.

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What's that?

- We're a bank.

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- I know that, smarty pants!

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What do you think,

I'm some kind of idiot?

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Yes.

- Hmm.

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I can't go on living this lie!

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- With chicken after chicken

being violated,

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the South Park police

are under increasing pressure

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to solve the case

of the chicken.

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We now go live

to a press conference

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where Officer Barbrady

and the mayor

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are fielding questions.

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Officer Barbrady,

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what would drive a man

to such a disgusting act?

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Well, nobody can say

for sure.

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No motive has yet

been established.

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Do the police have any leads?

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Well, both

3-D computer modeling

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and intensive seismology

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have not given us

any leads as of yet.

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But has chicken

left any clues at the crime?

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All right, all right,

I can't read!

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There, I said it, I can't read.

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Are you happy now?

You pushed and you pushed

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and now you all know

my terrible secret!

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I'm illegitimate!

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I'm not fit to be a policemen.

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I retire!

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Okay, thank you all

for coming.

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There's coffee

and brownies out front.

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And so Officer Barbrady

has taken a leave of absence

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and South Park

will have to manage

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without any

police force for a while.

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This just in,

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South Park has plunged

into total anarchy.

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Exactly two seconds after

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the retirement

of Officer Barbrady,

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looting and pillaging erupted

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in the quiet mountain town.

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Whoopie! This is killer.

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With no cops around,

we can do whatever we want!

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Woah, dude, what's going on?

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I don't know.

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Oh, my god, they've killed--

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Oh, never mind.

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I don't believe it.

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All this time Barbrady actually

did keep this town peaceful.

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Who knew? I always thought

he was a complete idiot.

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He is.

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Mayor, What do you plan to do

about the South Park riots?

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No reason for concern.

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I want to assure all of you

that Officer Barbrady

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is still our

active police force.

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But he's illiterate;

what do you plan to do?

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Uh, plan?

I don't actually...

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Reading classes,

plain and simple.

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By the mayor's order

Officer Barbrady

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is on temporary leave

of absence to learn to read.

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Effective immediately.

- Yes, that's right.

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It's back to school

with Officer Barbrady!

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Now, children, we have a

new student joining us today.

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Please say hi

to Officer Barbrady.

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I can't see, dude.

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Okay, now since our focus

has been on reading,

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let's review

some of the basics.

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Yes, what is it?

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I need to go poopies.

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Officer Barbrady,

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in school we go to the bathroom

before and after class.

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Oh, Christ,

how do you kids do it?

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Does anyone have

any suggestions

00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,101

where we should begin

with Officer Barbrady?

00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,978

How about a brain transplant?

00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,022

Now, Kyle, let's be

supportive of our new student.

00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,650

Give him the nurturing

environment he needs to thrive.

00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,360

Now I'm going

to write a sentence

00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,529

and I want us all to help

Officer Barbrady read it.

00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,991

Give it a shot,

Officer Barbrady.

00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,451

Uh...

00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,412

"O... O."

00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,790

Bzzt, wrong!

Try again, dumb-ass.

00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,836

Okay, okay, maybe we should try

something a little easier.

00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:07,923

We can work our way up

to the hard ones.

00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,008

Go ahead, Barbrady,

don't be scared.

00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,552

Uh...

00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,886

"O..."

- Bzzt! Drr!

00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,930

Did you

hear that Mr. Hat?

00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,432

I sure did, Mr. Garrison.

What a retard.

00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,770

Did you kids actually learn

how to read this way?

00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,647

No, we just fake it

to shut him up.

00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,316

Okay, okay,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,651

Let's try again.

00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,659

Say, what are

nice chickens like you

00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:39,246

doing in a coop like this?

00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,877

- Now, children, I hope

00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,379

you all had a good

time reading your books

00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,257

and are prepared

for your book reports.

00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,800

Who should we have

go first, Mr. Hat?

00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,926

Let's see.

00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,804

How about Stan or Kyle?

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,181

Eric, why don't you go first?

- Ugh.

00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,350

What's the matter, Eric?

Are you not prepared again?

00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,436

I'm prepared!

00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,271

For my book report I read

00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:06,356

"The Lion, the Witch,

and the Wardrobe."

00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,691

It was very, very good.

00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,484

Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,154

No, I can't say that I have.

- Oh, good.

00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,989

In "The Lion, the Witch,

and the Wardrobe",

00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,325

a bunch of, uh, hippies

walk around and paint stuff.

00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,703

They eat lunch and then they

find a magical camel

00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,496

which they have

to eat to stay alive,

00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,707

and that's pretty much it.

I give it a "B minus".

00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,335

And I give you an "F", Eric,

now sit down.

00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,711

Goddamnit!

00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,839

Okay, Officer Barbrady,

00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633

why don't you give us

your book report?

00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,762

I've just finished reading

the heartwarming novel,

00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,472

"Go, Dog, Go".

00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,891

I found it a compelling

and disturbing look

00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,643

at the canine psyche.

00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,270

If I may read a passage.

00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,522

"Big dog...

00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,859

"Little dog.

00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,865

"A red dog

00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,367

on a..."

00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,036

Well, anyway,

00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,121

I don't want to

give away the ending,

00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,083

but I will say that it spirals

toward an incredible twist-turn

00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,293

that parallels my own life.

00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,961

Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,089

That was a very good

book report indeed.

00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:13,507

I'll give you an "A".

00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:14,675

Hurray!

00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,259

Goody two-shoes.

00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,264

♪ Swing set, swing set ♪

00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,684

♪ Up and down I go ♪

00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,186

♪ Whoosh goes the willy wind ♪

00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:27,979

♪ Blowing through my toes ♪

00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,606

Dude, I think

Officer Barbrady

00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,608

enjoys being at school

a little too much.

00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,652

Yeah, isn't he just supposed

to be learning how to read?

00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,196

♪ Swing set, swing set ♪

00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,864

♪ Up and down I go ♪

00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,784

Officer Barbrady,

what are you doing?

00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,996

Oh my god! They killed--

00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,581

Oh, never mind.

00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,583

Well, how's the reading

coming along?

00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,627

Oh, pretty good.

00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,754

Barbrady, we really

need you to speed this up.

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,381

The chicken

struck again last night.

00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,133

Oh, no!

00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,926

Oh, mayor, please,

when we're around children

00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,804

we prefer to call him

the chicken lover.

00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,598

This time he made love to

Carla Weathers' prize chicken.

00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,308

She's catatonic.

00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,185

Who, Carla Weathers

or the chicken?

00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,813

The perpetrator left

this clue at the crime scene.

00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,691

Oh, I can't read this.

It has silent E's.

00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735

You have to learn to

read faster, Barbrady!

00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,278

I'm doing the best I can!

00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,447

I even got a "A"

on my book report.

00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,574

Listen, buddy, either

you learn to read quick

00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:24,077

or else I'm gonna find a law

officer to replace you forever!

00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,708

Hey, what'd you do that for?

00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,501

Uh, just dramatic effect,

sorry.

00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,963

Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble.

00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,840

I'll never learn

to read fast enough

00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,425

and the town is in chaos!

00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,051

It's cool, dude,

we'll help you.

00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,429

Hey, that's right,

you can help me.

00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:46,224

Under article 39,

section two of police code,

00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:49,728

I'm allowed to deputize

citizens in a time of crisis.

00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,313

Really? I want to be a cop.

00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,148

You boys will be my deputies.

00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,610

You can help me restore order,

catch the chicken lover,

00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,738

and swing me on the swing set.

- Do I get a nightstick?

00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,823

- Sure, nightsticks

for everybody!

00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,451

You keep a tab

on crime in the city,

00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:07,245

and we'll try to solve

the chicken lover case.

00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,539

10-4, sergeant.

00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,583

Now what does

that clue say again?

00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,585

"If you want to know

where I'll strike next,

00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,630

read "Bumbly Wumbly

and the Spotted Spacecraft".

00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,298

To the Booktastic Bus,

deputies!

00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:19,800

We haven't a moment to spare.

00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:22,385

hurray!

00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,012

Good day, friends.

00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,597

Welcome to the magical world

of reading.

00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,516

We need a copy of

00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,893

"Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted

Spacecraft" right away.

00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,104

Ooh, that's a very magical

book, full of wonders--

00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,649

Ah, just give us

the damn book, fruitcake!

00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,027

What's it say?

00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,948

It says "ma... Ma..."

00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,115

What's this word?

00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,117

"I".

- Oh, yeah.

00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:50,121

"I, ma... Ma..."

- Here, give me that.

00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,291

"I am Bumbly Wumbly,

I live in the pond."

00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,877

A pond. Hey!

Maybe that means Stark's Pond.

00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,671

That's quick thinking,

deputy.

00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,423

Let's get to Stark's Pond

immediately.

00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,978

Hey.

00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,821

Uh, yes, officer?

00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,740

I clocked you at

40 miles an hour back there.

00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,826

Do you know what

the speed limit is here?

00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,870

Well, according

to that sign right there,

00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:31,371

it's 40 miles an hour.

00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,206

Step out of

the car please, sir.

00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,500

Wait a second, aren't you

Stan's little friend?

00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,836

Sir, step out

of the car, please.

00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,462

Yeah, you're the one

00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,964

who always plugs up

the toilet at our house.

00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,507

Hey, I am a cop

00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,260

and you will

respect my authority!

00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,971

Yeah, right. You better get

back to school, little boy.

00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,389

Ow!

00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,558

Get your ass to jail!

- Ow!

00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,976

Hey, what the hell

are you doing?

00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,604

You can't do that! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,397

Sweet.

00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,318

Oh, weak, dude,

we're too late.

00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:02,694

Well, the chickens don't seem

to really mind.

00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,321

Well, this is terrible.

00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,156

Now, who would have sex

with a chicken?

00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,574

I would.

00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,452

Oh, you couldn't screw

anything, Halfy.

00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,329

You don't have any legs.

00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,372

Oh, yeah.

00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,167

Have some respect for people's

feelings, would you, Halfy?

00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,211

Come on, dudes. We need to

look for another clue.

00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,797

Here, here, I found one!

- What's it say? What's it say?

00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:26,635

It says read "Teetle

the Timid, ta- ta- ta..."

00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,179

The taxi-- What's this word?

00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,847

I don't know.

00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,643

"Ta- ta-...

00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,605

Ta... Taxidermist!"

00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,944

I read it!

I read it all by myself!

00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,863

Hurray, yeah! Whoo-hoo!

00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,366

...Enroute to 496.

00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,992

I've been working this beat

00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,869

for about three days now.

00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,996

You definitely have to

have pretty thick skin

00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082

or else these people,

they just walk all over you.

00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,125

Sometimes you have

to go undercover

00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,794

to get the worst of them.

00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,925

Hi, there, little lady.

00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,970

Well, hi there.

What are you doing tonight?

00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,472

Well, hopefully spending

some time with you, gorgeous.

00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,015

Is 20 dollars enough?

00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,601

Sir, step out

of the car, please?

00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,687

What? Uh-oh. Is this a bust?

00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,772

Sir, step out of the car.

00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,025

Hey, wait a minute,

you're just a kid.

00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,362

- Maybe this will teach you

to listen to authority!

00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,406

Ow! Ow! Ow!

00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,199

Hey, man, what are you doing?

00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,784

Ow, stop it!

00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:37,455

Eh, sometimes upholding

the law is messy,

00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,249

but you get by...

00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:40,834

one day at a time.

00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,088

I got a TV. Sh, come on!

00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:52,971

"Teetle the timid taxidermist

00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,432

loves to..."

00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,976

Oh, Goddamn, reading is lame.

00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,395

How's it going, dude?

- Terrible, I give up.

00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,732

I'm not fit to be a cop.

00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,233

Come on, dude,

it's not that hard.

00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,651

It is, too!

00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,194

Just read the sentence.

00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,239

"Teetle the timid taxidermist

00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:15,493

loves to go to the pet, pet..."

00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,037

Come on, dumb-ass,

you can do it.

00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:19,289

"Pet..." Wait a minute.

00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:22,083

Conjugate the verb.

00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,170

Conjugate the verb.

00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:29,549

Yes, conjugate the verb.

00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,259

"Pet-ting."

00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,761

"Petting zoo!"

00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,263

He loves to go

to the petting zoo!

00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,390

Boys, we're off.

00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,060

All units, all units,

00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:42,896

512 at 635

Avenue de los Mexicanos

00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,439

request assistance.

00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,491

Sir, could you step

out of the car, please?

00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,076

We're fine, officer.

00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,620

And, uh, who--who's in here

with you?

00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,663

- Just me and my wife

and my brother,

00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,373

and my wife's cousin

and his son,

00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,375

and my brother's girlfriend

and our two kids,

00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,294

and my brother's

girlfriend's mother,

00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,171

and this guy Bob

who I met last year.

00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,715

- Poor people tend

to live in clusters.

00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,801

What--what did you say?

- Nothing.

00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,803

Now, sir, is there

some kind of--

00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,554

I want him out of my house!

00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,098

He ain't worth a shit!

00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,724

He can't even

hold a job!

00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,476

Shut up, bitch.

00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436

Okay, okay, let's try

to watch the language.

00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,063

There's children present here.

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,815

You lazy ass mother.

00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,650

Look what she did

to my eye!

00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,401

- I'll do it again!

00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:34,072

Mom hit Dad again.

00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,782

Now the first thing to do

00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,909

in domestic disturbance calls

like this one

00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,495

is to just calm everybody down.

00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,081

Respect my authority!

00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,626

All units, all units,

00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,628

we have a 5-20 on the suspect.

00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,631

Report to the South Park

petting zoo immediately.

00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,258

Chicken lover.

00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,388

Keep your eyes peeled, boys.

00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:02,642

Somebody's gonna make love

to this chicken any minute.

00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,144

Maybe we were wrong

about the clue.

00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:05,562

Yeah, maybe

you read it wrong.

00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,147

Oh, no!

00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,316

Shh!

00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,945

Keep your eyes peeled.

00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,072

Look!

00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,908

He's here.

- Grab him!

00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,954

Dammit, can't this thing

go any faster?

00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,380

Oh, my God,

they've killed--

00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,382

Goddamnit.

00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,552

I knew it was you all along,

Richard Nixon.

00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,304

I think that's a mask, dude.

00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,264

Oh.

00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,600

Whoa, dude.

It's the book mobile driver.

00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:46,269

Caught you red-handed.

- Indeed you did.

00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,021

How did you know

I would strike here?

00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,773

- By reading

"Teetle the Timid Taxidermist".

00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,817

You did, really?

Then it worked.

00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,445

My whole plan worked

absolutely perfectly.

00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,197

What are you

talking about, dude?

00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,365

When I heard that

Officer Barbrady couldn't read,

00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,659

I knew I had to

motivate him somehow.

00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,453

So I formulated a plan

to encourage him

00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,371

to learn the magic of reading.

00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:06,998

So you

a bunch of chickens?

00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,541

Yes, yes, exactly.

00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,877

- Don't you see?

- Only by chickens

00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:13,379

could I get Officer Barbrady

to become literate.

00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,548

That doesn't make

a whole lot of sense, dude.

00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:18,760

Oh, no?

He who is blind can now see.

00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,511

I got Officer Barbrady to read.

00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,305

My plan worked perfectly.

00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,516

Well, I guess

I should say thanks?

00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,769

You're welcome.

And now my reading friend,

00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,729

you've proven that

you are ready for the big time.

00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,481

I give you this hardback copy

00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,941

of "Atlas Shrugged"

by Ayn Rand.

00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,275

Freeze!

Put your hands in the air!

00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,069

Cartman!

00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,196

I got reports

the suspect is in this area.

00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,448

Well, he is. It turns out

that book mobile driver here

00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,783

was the one

making love to chickens.

00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,326

Ah, ha!

00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,162

Ow, that hurts!

- Whoa, dude. Cartman!

00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,332

No, no, that's not

how you uphold the law!

00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:52,794

But he is not listening

to my authority.

00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:56,381

Oh, oh, you've got it

all wrong, my little friend.

00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,216

You do it like this.

00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,926

You gotta get them

in the head.

00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,469

They go down quicker.

00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,971

Oh.

00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,514

I guess you should

leave police work

00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:06,349

to the professionals,

huh, Cartman?

00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,059

Well, anyway, I'm relieving

you of your duties.

00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,727

I've proved that I can read,

00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,437

and now I'm back on the job.

00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,481

Hurray!

00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,275

Hey, so what are

you gonna do now?

00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,277

Now?

Well...

00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:20,154

I, uh, I think

I'll get in the bathtub

00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,157

and then curl up

with a good book.

00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:50,560

- And so today,

South Park held a parade

00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,520

to honor Officer Barbrady

00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,690

and his heroic work

on the chicken case.

00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,487

Thank you, everybody,

thank you!

00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,948

Speech, speech!

- What?

00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,908

They want you to give

a speech, Officer Barbrady,

00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:07,493

about the whole experience

over the last couple of days.

00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:08,703

Oh, okay.

00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,371

Well, first of all

00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:11,956

I'd like to thank

the town of South Park,

00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,708

the town that bore me

00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:16,711

and eventually will rob me

of my life precious.

00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,921

Second, I'd like to say

to all those out there

00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,506

who think they can

screw chickens

00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:22,133

just to teach people to read,

00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,468

your days are numbered!

00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,930

And finally I'd like to say

00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:30,725

that reading totally sucks ass.

00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,685

Hurray!

00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:34,937

Yes, at first I was happy

to be learning how to read.

00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,231

It seemed exciting and magical,

00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,941

but then I read this,

00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,069

"Atlas Shrugged", by Ayn Rand.

00:22:41,194 --> 00:22:43,446

I read every last word

of this garbage

00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,239

and because of

this piece of shit

00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,991

I'm never reading again!

00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:49,660

Hurray for Barbrady!

00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:51,871

Wow, I guess reading

really does suck ass.

00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,374

Hey, that's what I've been

saying all along, you guys.

00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,792

I'm just glad everything

turned out okay,

00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,210

and Barbrady got his job back.

00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:58,628

It's poetic justice.

00:22:58,753 --> 00:22:59,921

Thanks, boys.

00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,590

[growling, singing

death metal indistinctly]

00:00:06,716 --> 00:00:10,177

[rock acoustic guitar music]

[singing gibberish]

00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,596

♪ I'ma say, hey ♪

00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,807

♪ Death live long,

death come for you! ♪

00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,642

[yelling, singing gibberish]

00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,936

♪ Baby, you don't know,

you don't know me! ♪

00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,938

♪ I don't know you! ♪

00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,357

♪ You know nothing! ♪

00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,567

♪ Livin' a lie,

livin' a lie! ♪

00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,735

♪ You're living a lie! ♪

00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,111

♪ You're living a lie! ♪

00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,113

Oh, hi, everybody.

00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,948

You just caught Matt and I

doing what we love to do most,

00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,117

entertaining senior citizens

at a retirement home.

00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,327

Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, gang.

00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,204

Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, I said!

00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,748

[All] Hi.

- What you're about to see

00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,541

is our favorite episode

of "South Park."

00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,084

It's called "Chicken Lover,"

and it's about a man

00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,544

who likes to have sex

with chickens.

00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:44,920

[chuckles]

That's right, Matt.

00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:46,464

You know,

sex with chickens

00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:47,673

dates back to the

late 1800s when--

00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,383

Excuse me.

- What?

00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,135

Can we leave?

00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,387

No, you can't leave.

We're entertaining you.

00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,847

You're talking

to the camera.

00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,265

Hey, just keep

your damn pants on!

00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,725

This is our other job,

all right?

00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,769

I have other things

to do, too.

00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:02,897

Sit down, or else it's ninja

star in the forehead for you.

00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,861

Anyway, this episode also deals

with the wonders of reading.

00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,696

That's right.

Reading used to be a fun form

00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,656

of entertainment, but now

we have TV, so who needs it?

00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,158

I have to leave.

- Kick ba--

00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,743

[both sigh]

Kick back, relax--

00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,204

I must--I must leave.

- Ninja star!

00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,917

Sit back, relax,

and enjoy

00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:25,586

this episode of "South Park,"

"Chicken Lover."

00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,505

[rock acoustic guitar music]

- ♪ Get me off! ♪

00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:30,299

[yelling,

singing indistinctly]

00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,260

[barking,

singing indistinctly]

00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:42,520

[twangy music]

00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,021

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,731

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,733

all: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,276

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:50,736

- ♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,571

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,281

- ♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,783

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,284

- ♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,120

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:02,206

[mumbling]

00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,707

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,501

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:09,421

Okay, children, each of you

gets to choose two books

00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,173

from the Booktastic Bus.

00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,633

Reading sucks ass.

00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,385

Eric, shut up!

00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:18,222

Boring. Boring.

00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,224

Gay. Boring, boring.

00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,976

Hey, you guys,

check out these books.

00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,353

Sabrina Unchained.

00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,398

Wow, these books look cool.

00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,733

Hey, there's a lot of

big words in these books.

00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:32,820

[mumbling]

- Hello, kids.

00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,446

I see you're discovering

the magic of reading.

00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:36,282

Who are you?

00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,450

I drive the Booktastic Bus,

where magic begins.

00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,828

You see, reading opens up

whole new worlds to you.

00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,663

You can take a canoe

down the Amazon,

00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,498

or go back in time to Camelot,

00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:45,916

or become a race car driver,

00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:47,501

all by just opening a book.

00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,336

Just like magic.

The magic of reading.

00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,005

Gosh, shut up, dude.

00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,590

Go ahead and pick

any books you like,

00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:55,426

then give in,

give in to the magic.

00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:57,344

If we read, are we gonna

become like that guy?

00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,096

Yeah, this is stupid;

books aren't magical.

00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,431

I don't know, I'm kind of

getting

00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:01,765

a tingly feeling

looking at these.

00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:03,434

[chicken clucking]

00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,811

[mumbling]

- I don't know, let's go see.

00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:11,233

Well, being an officer of the

peace means a lot of things.

00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,653

It's a hard job,

but then again, I'm a hard man.

00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,114

A lot of people think

that in a small town

00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,074

there isn't a lot

for the law to do.

00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,242

Well, they're wrong.

00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,869

All units, all units,

00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,246

report to 2-5-4

Avenue de los Mexicanos.

00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,831

Possible hostile situation.

00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,291

There, you see?

00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,834

This could be a bank robbery,

00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,502

or possibly even a murder!

00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,129

This ain't

no Podunk little town.

00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,089

And, Barbrady,

your wife called--

00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:35,841

she wants you to get

some pizza on the way home.

00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:36,884

Goddamnit!

00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,135

[indistinct chatter]

00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,428

Cool. What is it? What is it?

00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,641

- Okay, people, move along.

00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,684

There's nothing to see here.

00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,394

What's the trouble?

Where's the body?

00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,438

- Barbrady, I just caught

some guy in here

00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,774

having sex with

one of my chickens.

00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:56,904

Uh, oh.

00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:58,113

[chicken clucking]

00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,907

My god, that's disgusting.

00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,076

Whoa, dude, how do you

have sex with a chicken?

00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:03,786

Uh, boys, you move along.

00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,704

This isn't

for young eyes to see.

00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,790

Did you get a good look

at the suspect?

00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,333

No, I didn't see anything.

00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,418

It just happened so fast.

00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:14,755

Well, uh, this is quite

interesting, huh, guys?

00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,840

Uh, we're gonna go

grab some lunch

00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,676

and maybe get some shots

of those turtles

00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,636

down at the pond.

00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,263

Ah, camel poo!

00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:23,430

Hey, what's this?

00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,848

It looks like a note.

00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,600

Give me that!

That's a clue

00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,144

and you'll get your

stinky DNA all over it.

00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:32,273

What does it say?

- Uh, it says...

00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:35,025

Uh, "Sorry I had sex

with a chicken.

00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,111

I won't do it again. Bye, bye."

00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:39,154

Well, there you have it,

case closed.

00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,990

Dammit, Barbrady, what

the hell's wrong with you?

00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,783

Every time something happens

in this town,

00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,286

you say "Nothing to see here"

and "Case closed",

00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:46,787

but we want justice!

00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,580

We have to find this sicko!

00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,374

I said return to your homes

00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,251

before I start

arresting people!

00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,961

For what? Orderly conduct?

00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:55,921

How about fishing

without a license?

00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,381

I'm not fishing.

00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,216

What do you call this then?

00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,093

If you do not comply,

I'll be forced

00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:03,012

to execute

each and every one of you

00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,097

by gunshot to the head.

00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432

That's right,

00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:07,975

return to your simple lives.

00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,102

Just forget this ever happened.

00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,228

Forget,

00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:13,522

forget.

00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,149

Wow, Barbrady

sure is acting weird.

00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,900

Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.

00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:25,451

[engine turns over]

00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:26,827

[tires screech]

00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,835

Welcome to Fran's,

can I help you?

00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:39,798

Sir, can I help you?

00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,593

Uh, just give me

two cheeseburgers

00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,678

and some jalapeno poppers.

00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,972

Sir, there's just one

problem.

00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,600

What's that?

- We're a bank.

00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,103

- I know that, smarty pants!

00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,147

What do you think,

I'm some kind of idiot?

00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,733

Yes.

- Hmm.

00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,570

I can't go on living this lie!

00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,657

- With chicken after chicken

being violated,

00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:08,035

the South Park police

are under increasing pressure

00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,788

to solve the case

of the chicken [bleep].

00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,706

We now go live

to a press conference

00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,291

where Officer Barbrady

and the mayor

00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,377

are fielding questions.

00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,170

Officer Barbrady,

00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,297

what would drive a man

to such a disgusting act?

00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,466

Well, nobody can say

for sure.

00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,885

No motive has yet

been established.

00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,678

Do the police have any leads?

00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:28,972

Well, both

3-D computer modeling

00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,557

and intensive seismology

00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,976

have not given us

any leads as of yet.

00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,312

But has chicken [bleep]

left any clues at the crime?

00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,816

All right, all right,

I can't read!

00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,154

There, I said it, I can't read.

00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,532

Are you happy now?

You pushed and you pushed

00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,700

and now you all know

my terrible secret!

00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,244

I'm illegitimate!

00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:52,663

I'm not fit to be a policemen.

00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,665

I retire!

00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,876

Okay, thank you all

for coming.

00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,254

There's coffee

and brownies out front.

00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:03,382

And so Officer Barbrady

has taken a leave of absence

00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,134

and South Park

will have to manage

00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,302

without any

police force for a while.

00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,138

This just in,

00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,849

South Park has plunged

into total anarchy.

00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:13,517

Exactly two seconds after

00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,185

the retirement

of Officer Barbrady,

00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,645

looting and pillaging erupted

00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,313

in the quiet mountain town.

00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,774

[yelling]

00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,734

[screaming]

00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,570

Whoopie! This is killer.

00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:26,864

With no cops around,

we can do whatever we want!

00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,115

[alarm blaring]

00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,116

Woah, dude, what's going on?

00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,242

I don't know.

00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,787

Oh, my god, they've killed--

00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:35,831

Oh, never mind.

00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:36,915

[gunfire, screaming]

00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,126

I don't believe it.

00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,879

All this time Barbrady actually

did keep this town peaceful.

00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,256

Who knew? I always thought

he was a complete idiot.

00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,467

He is.

00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,635

Mayor, What do you plan to do

about the South Park riots?

00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,471

No reason for concern.

00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,764

I want to assure all of you

that Officer Barbrady

00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:54,892

is still our

active police force.

00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,852

But he's illiterate;

what do you plan to do?

00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,062

Uh, plan?

I don't actually...

00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:01,148

Reading classes,

plain and simple.

00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:02,983

By the mayor's order

Officer Barbrady

00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,860

is on temporary leave

of absence to learn to read.

00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,237

Effective immediately.

- Yes, that's right.

00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,615

It's back to school

with Officer Barbrady!

00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,994

Now, children, we have a

new student joining us today.

00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:17,372

Please say hi

to Officer Barbrady.

00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,166

I can't see, dude.

00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:21,376

Okay, now since our focus

has been on reading,

00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,836

let's review

some of the basics.

00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,129

Yes, what is it?

00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,715

I need to go poopies.

00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,675

Officer Barbrady,

00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,637

in school we go to the bathroom

before and after class.

00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,139

Oh, Christ,

how do you kids do it?

00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,016

Does anyone have

any suggestions

00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,101

where we should begin

with Officer Barbrady?

00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,978

How about a brain transplant?

00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,022

Now, Kyle, let's be

supportive of our new student.

00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,650

Give him the nurturing

environment he needs to thrive.

00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,360

Now I'm going

to write a sentence

00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,529

and I want us all to help

Officer Barbrady read it.

00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,991

Give it a shot,

Officer Barbrady.

00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,451

Uh...

00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,412

"O... O."

00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,790

Bzzt, wrong!

Try again, dumb-ass.

00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:02,167

[laughing]

00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,836

Okay, okay, maybe we should try

something a little easier.

00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:07,923

We can work our way up

to the hard ones.

00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,008

Go ahead, Barbrady,

don't be scared.

00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,552

Uh...

00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,886

"O..."

- Bzzt! Drr!

00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,930

Did you

hear that Mr. Hat?

00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,432

I sure did, Mr. Garrison.

What a retard.

00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,393

[laughing]

00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,770

Did you kids actually learn

how to read this way?

00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,647

No, we just fake it

to shut him up.

00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,316

Okay, okay,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,651

Let's try again.

00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,779

[chickens clucking]

00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,659

Say, what are

nice chickens like you

00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:39,246

doing in a coop like this?

00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,581

[loud clucking]

00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,877

- Now, children, I hope

00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,379

you all had a good

time reading your books

00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,257

and are prepared

for your book reports.

00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,800

Who should we have

go first, Mr. Hat?

00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,926

Let's see.

00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,804

How about Stan or Kyle?

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,181

Eric, why don't you go first?

- Ugh.

00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,350

What's the matter, Eric?

Are you not prepared again?

00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,436

I'm prepared!

00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,271

For my book report I read

00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:06,356

"The Lion, the Witch,

and the Wardrobe."

00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,691

It was very, very good.

00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,484

Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,154

No, I can't say that I have.

- Oh, good.

00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,989

In "The Lion, the Witch,

and the Wardrobe",

00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,325

a bunch of, uh, hippies

walk around and paint stuff.

00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,703

They eat lunch and then they

find a magical camel

00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,496

which they have

to eat to stay alive,

00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,707

and that's pretty much it.

I give it a "B minus".

00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,335

And I give you an "F", Eric,

now sit down.

00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,711

Goddamnit!

00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,296

[laughing]

00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,839

Okay, Officer Barbrady,

00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633

why don't you give us

your book report?

00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,762

I've just finished reading

the heartwarming novel,

00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,472

"Go, Dog, Go".

00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,891

I found it a compelling

and disturbing look

00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,643

at the canine psyche.

00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,270

If I may read a passage.

00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,522

"Big dog...

00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,859

"Little dog.

00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,865

"A red dog

00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,367

on a..."

00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,036

Well, anyway,

00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,121

I don't want to

give away the ending,

00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,083

but I will say that it spirals

toward an incredible twist-turn

00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,293

that parallels my own life.

00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,961

Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,089

That was a very good

book report indeed.

00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:13,507

I'll give you an "A".

00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:14,675

Hurray!

00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,259

Goody two-shoes.

00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,264

♪ Swing set, swing set ♪

00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,684

♪ Up and down I go ♪

00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,186

♪ Whoosh goes the willy wind ♪

00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:27,979

♪ Blowing through my toes ♪

00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,606

Dude, I think

Officer Barbrady

00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,608

enjoys being at school

a little too much.

00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,652

Yeah, isn't he just supposed

to be learning how to read?

00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,196

♪ Swing set, swing set ♪

00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,864

♪ Up and down I go ♪

00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,784

Officer Barbrady,

what are you doing?

00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,828

[muffled yelling, grunts]

00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,996

Oh my god! They killed--

- [grunt]

00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,581

Oh, never mind.

00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,583

Well, how's the reading

coming along?

00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,627

Oh, pretty good.

00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,754

Barbrady, we really

need you to speed this up.

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,381

The chicken [bleep]

struck again last night.

00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,133

Oh, no!

00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,926

Oh, mayor, please,

when we're around children

00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,804

we prefer to call him

the chicken lover.

00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,598

This time he made love to

Carla Weathers' prize chicken.

00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,308

She's catatonic.

00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,185

Who, Carla Weathers

or the chicken?

00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,813

The perpetrator left

this clue at the crime scene.

00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,691

Oh, I can't read this.

It has silent E's.

00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735

You have to learn to

read faster, Barbrady!

00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,278

I'm doing the best I can!

00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,447

I even got a "A"

on my book report.

00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,574

Listen, buddy, either

you learn to read quick

00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:24,077

or else I'm gonna find a law

officer to replace you forever!

00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,708

Hey, what'd you do that for?

00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,501

Uh, just dramatic effect,

sorry.

00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,963

Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble.

00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,840

I'll never learn

to read fast enough

00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,425

and the town is in chaos!

00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,051

It's cool, dude,

we'll help you.

00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,429

Hey, that's right,

you can help me.

00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:46,224

Under article 39,

section two of police code,

00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:49,728

I'm allowed to deputize

citizens in a time of crisis.

00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,313

Really? I want to be a cop.

00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,148

You boys will be my deputies.

00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,610

You can help me restore order,

catch the chicken lover,

00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,738

and swing me on the swing set.

- Do I get a nightstick?

00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,823

- Sure, nightsticks

for everybody!

00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,451

You keep a tab

on crime in the city,

00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:07,245

and we'll try to solve

the chicken lover case.

00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,539

10-4, sergeant.

00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,583

Now what does

that clue say again?

00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,585

"If you want to know

where I'll strike next,

00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,630

read "Bumbly Wumbly

and the Spotted Spacecraft".

00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,298

To the Booktastic Bus,

deputies!

00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:19,800

We haven't a moment to spare.

00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:22,385

[together]

hurray!

00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,012

Good day, friends.

00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,597

Welcome to the magical world

of reading.

00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,516

We need a copy of

00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,893

"Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted

Spacecraft" right away.

00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,104

Ooh, that's a very magical

book, full of wonders--

00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,649

Ah, just give us

the damn book, fruitcake!

00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,027

What's it say?

00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,948

It says "ma... Ma..."

00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,115

What's this word?

00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,117

"I".

- Oh, yeah.

00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:50,121

"I, ma... Ma..."

- Here, give me that.

00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,291

"I am Bumbly Wumbly,

I live in the pond."

00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,877

A pond. Hey!

Maybe that means Stark's Pond.

00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,671

That's quick thinking,

deputy.

00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,423

Let's get to Stark's Pond

immediately.

00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:05,720

[upbeat mysterious music]

00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,517

[honking]

00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,978

Hey.

[siren wailing]

00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,821

Uh, yes, officer?

00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,740

I clocked you at

40 miles an hour back there.

00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,826

Do you know what

the speed limit is here?

00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,870

Well, according

to that sign right there,

00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:31,371

it's 40 miles an hour.

00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,206

Step out of

the car please, sir.

00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,500

Wait a second, aren't you

Stan's little friend?

00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,836

Sir, step out

of the car, please.

00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,462

Yeah, you're the one

00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,964

who always plugs up

the toilet at our house.

00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,507

Hey, I am a cop

00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,260

and you will

respect my authority!

00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,971

Yeah, right. You better get

back to school, little boy.

00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,389

[grunts]

Ow!

00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,558

Get your ass to jail!

- Ow!

00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,976

Hey, what the hell

are you doing?

00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,604

You can't do that! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,397

Sweet.

00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,318

Oh, weak, dude,

we're too late.

00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:02,694

Well, the chickens don't seem

to really mind.

00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,321

Well, this is terrible.

00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,156

Now, who would have sex

with a chicken?

00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,574

I would.

00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,452

Oh, you couldn't screw

anything, Halfy.

00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,329

You don't have any legs.

00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,372

Oh, yeah.

00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,167

Have some respect for people's

feelings, would you, Halfy?

00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,211

Come on, dudes. We need to

look for another clue.

00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,797

Here, here, I found one!

- What's it say? What's it say?

00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:26,635

It says read "Teetle

the Timid, ta- ta- ta..."

00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,179

The taxi-- What's this word?

00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,847

I don't know.

00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,643

"Ta- ta-...

00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,605

Ta... Taxidermist!"

00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,482

[chicken clucking]

00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,944

I read it!

I read it all by myself!

00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:45,111

[cheers and applause]

00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,863

Hurray, yeah! Whoo-hoo!

00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,366

...Enroute to 496.

00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,992

I've been working this beat

00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,869

for about three days now.

00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,996

You definitely have to

have pretty thick skin

00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082

or else these people,

they just walk all over you.

00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,125

Sometimes you have

to go undercover

00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,794

to get the worst of them.

00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,925

Hi, there, little lady.

00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,970

Well, hi there.

What are you doing tonight?

00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,472

Well, hopefully spending

some time with you, gorgeous.

00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,015

Is 20 dollars enough?

00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,601

Sir, step out

of the car, please?

00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,687

What? Uh-oh. Is this a bust?

00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,772

Sir, step out of the car.

00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,025

Hey, wait a minute,

you're just a kid.

00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,362

- Maybe this will teach you

to listen to authority!

00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,406

Ow! Ow! Ow!

00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,199

Hey, man, what are you doing?

00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,784

Ow, stop it!

00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:37,455

Eh, sometimes upholding

the law is messy,

00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,249

but you get by...

00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:40,834

one day at a time.

00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,088

I got a TV. Sh, come on!

00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:52,971

"Teetle the timid taxidermist

00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,432

loves to..."

00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,976

Oh, Goddamn, reading is lame.

00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,395

How's it going, dude?

- Terrible, I give up.

00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,732

I'm not fit to be a cop.

[sobs]

00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,233

Come on, dude,

it's not that hard.

00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,651

It is, too!

00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,194

Just read the sentence.

00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,239

"Teetle the timid taxidermist

00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:15,493

loves to go to the pet, pet..."

00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,037

Come on, dumb-ass,

you can do it.

00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:19,289

"Pet..." Wait a minute.

00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:22,083

Conjugate the verb.

00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,170

Conjugate the verb.

00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:29,549

Yes, conjugate the verb.

00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,259

"Pet-ting."

00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,761

"Petting zoo!"

00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,263

He loves to go

to the petting zoo!

00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,390

Boys, we're off.

00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,060

All units, all units,

00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:42,896

512 at 635

Avenue de los Mexicanos

00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,439

request assistance.

00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,691

[siren wailing]

00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,491

Sir, could you step

out of the car, please?

00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,076

We're fine, officer.

00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,620

And, uh, who--who's in here

with you?

00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,663

- Just me and my wife

and my brother,

00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,373

and my wife's cousin

and his son,

00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,375

and my brother's girlfriend

and our two kids,

00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,294

and my brother's

girlfriend's mother,

00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,171

and this guy Bob

who I met last year.

00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,715

- Poor people tend

to live in clusters.

00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,801

What--what did you say?

- Nothing.

00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,803

Now, sir, is there

some kind of--

00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,554

I want him out of my house!

00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,098

He ain't worth a shit!

00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,724

He can't even

hold a [bleep] job!

00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,476

Shut up, bitch.

00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436

Okay, okay, let's try

to watch the language.

00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,063

There's children present here.

00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,815

You lazy ass mother[bleep].

00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,650

Look what she did

to my [bleep] eye!

00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,401

- I'll do it again!

00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:31,820

[laughing]

00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:34,072

Mom hit Dad again.

00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,782

Now the first thing to do

00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,909

in domestic disturbance calls

like this one

00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,495

is to just calm everybody down.

00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,081

Respect my authority!

00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,083

[both grunting]

00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,626

All units, all units,

00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,628

we have a 5-20 on the suspect.

00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,631

Report to the South Park

petting zoo immediately.

00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,258

Chicken lover.

00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,388

Keep your eyes peeled, boys.

00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:02,642

Somebody's gonna make love

to this chicken any minute.

00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,144

Maybe we were wrong

about the clue.

00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:05,562

Yeah, maybe

you read it wrong.

00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,147

Oh, no!

00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:08,189

[brush rustling]

00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,316

Shh!

00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,818

[clucks]

00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,945

Keep your eyes peeled.

00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,072

Look!

00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,365

[chicken clucking]

00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,908

He's here.

- Grab him!

00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,035

[siren wailing]

00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,954

Dammit, can't this thing

go any faster?

00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,291

[grunting]

00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,295

[gunshot]

00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,380

[gasps] Oh, my God,

they've killed--

00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,382

[mumbling]

- Goddamnit.

00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,552

I knew it was you all along,

Richard Nixon.

00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,304

I think that's a mask, dude.

00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,264

Oh.

00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,600

Whoa, dude.

It's the book mobile driver.

00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:46,269

Caught you red-handed.

- Indeed you did.

00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,021

How did you know

I would strike here?

00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,773

- By reading

"Teetle the Timid Taxidermist".

00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,817

You did, really?

Then it worked.

00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,445

My whole plan worked

absolutely perfectly.

00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,197

What are you

talking about, dude?

00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,365

When I heard that

Officer Barbrady couldn't read,

00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,659

I knew I had to

motivate him somehow.

00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,453

So I formulated a plan

to encourage him

00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,371

to learn the magic of reading.

00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:06,998

So you [bleep]

a bunch of chickens?

00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,541

Yes, yes, exactly.

00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,877

Don't you see?

Only by [bleep] chickens

00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:13,379

could I get Officer Barbrady

to become literate.

00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,548

That doesn't make

a whole lot of sense, dude.

00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:18,760

Oh, no?

He who is blind can now see.

00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,511

I got Officer Barbrady to read.

00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,305

My plan worked perfectly.

00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,516

Well, I guess

I should say thanks?

00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,769

You're welcome.

And now my reading friend,

00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,729

you've proven that

you are ready for the big time.

00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,481

I give you this hardback copy

00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,941

of "Atlas Shrugged"

by Ayn Rand.

00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,275

Freeze!

Put your hands in the air!

00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,069

Cartman!

00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,196

I got reports

the suspect is in this area.

00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,448

Well, he is. It turns out

that book mobile driver here

00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,783

was the one

making love to chickens.

00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,326

Ah, ha!

00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,162

Ow, that hurts!

- Whoa, dude. Cartman!

00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,332

No, no, that's not

how you uphold the law!

00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:52,794

But he is not listening

to my authority.

00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:56,381

Oh, oh, you've got it

all wrong, my little friend.

00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,216

You do it like this.

- [grunts]

00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,926

You gotta get them

in the head.

00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,469

They go down quicker.

00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,971

Oh.

00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,514

I guess you should

leave police work

00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:06,349

to the professionals,

huh, Cartman?

00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,059

Well, anyway, I'm relieving

you of your duties.

00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,727

I've proved that I can read,

00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,437

and now I'm back on the job.

00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,481

[together]

Hurray!

00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,275

Hey, so what are

you gonna do now?

00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,277

Now?

Well...

00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:20,154

I, uh, I think

I'll get in the bathtub

00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,157

and then curl up

with a good book.

00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:28,371

♪♪

00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:34,502

[chicken clucking]

00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:50,560

- And so today,

South Park held a parade

00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,520

to honor Officer Barbrady

00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,690

and his heroic work

on the chicken [bleep] case.

00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,487

Thank you, everybody,

thank you!

00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,948

Speech, speech!

- What?

00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,908

They want you to give

a speech, Officer Barbrady,

00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:07,493

about the whole experience

over the last couple of days.

00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:08,703

Oh, okay.

00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,371

Well, first of all

00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:11,956

I'd like to thank

the town of South Park,

00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,708

the town that bore me

00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:16,711

and eventually will rob me

of my life precious.

00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,921

Second, I'd like to say

to all those out there

00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,506

who think they can

screw chickens

00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:22,133

just to teach people to read,

00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,468

your days are numbered!

00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:25,553

[cheers and applause]

00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,930

And finally I'd like to say

00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:30,725

that reading totally sucks ass.

00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,685

[together]

Hurray!

00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:34,937

Yes, at first I was happy

to be learning how to read.

00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,231

It seemed exciting and magical,

00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,941

but then I read this,

00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,069

"Atlas Shrugged", by Ayn Rand.

00:22:41,194 --> 00:22:43,446

I read every last word

of this garbage

00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,239

and because of

this piece of shit

00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,991

I'm never reading again!

00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:49,660

[together]

Hurray for Barbrady!

00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:51,871

Wow, I guess reading

really does suck ass.

00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,374

Hey, that's what I've been

saying all along, you guys.

00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,792

I'm just glad everything

turned out okay,

00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,210

and Barbrady got his job back.

00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:58,628

It's poetic justice.

00:22:58,753 --> 00:22:59,921

Thanks, boys.

00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:07,053

♪♪

00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:32,453

[chicken clucking]