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Chickenlover
Сезон: 02Серия: 04
Описание
Для того, чтобы поймать зоофила, сношающегося с курами жителей Южного Парка, офицер Барбреди должен научиться читать. Он назначает ребят помогать ему в этом деле.
Субтитры
- 00:00:02,128 --> 00:00:04,046 <i>One, two, three, four.</i>
- 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,596 ♪ I'ma say, hey ♪
- 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,807 ♪ Death live long, death come for you! ♪
- 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,936 ♪ Baby, you don't know, you don't know me! ♪
- 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,938 ♪ I don't know you! ♪
- 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,357 ♪ You know nothing! ♪
- 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,567 ♪ Livin' a lie, livin' a lie! ♪
- 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,735 ♪ You're living a lie! ♪
- 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,111 ♪ You're living a lie! ♪
- 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,113 Oh, hi, everybody.
- 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,948 You just caught Matt and I doing what we love to do most,
- 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,117 entertaining senior citizens at a retirement home.
- 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,327 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang.
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,204 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said!
- 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,748 Hi. - What you're about to see
- 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,541 is our favorite episode of "South Park."
- 00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,084 It's called "Chicken Lover," and it's about a man
- 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,544 who likes to have sex with chickens.
- 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:44,920 That's right, Matt.
- 00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:46,464 You know, sex with chickens
- 00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:47,673 dates back to the late 1800s when--
- 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,383 Excuse me. - What?
- 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,135 Can we leave?
- 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,387 No, you can't leave. We're entertaining you.
- 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,847 You're talking to the camera.
- 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,265 Hey, just keep your damn pants on!
- 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,725 This is our other job, all right?
- 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,769 I have other things to do, too.
- 00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:02,897 Sit down, or else it's ninja star in the forehead for you.
- 00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,861 Anyway, this episode also deals with the wonders of reading.
- 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,696 That's right. Reading used to be a fun form
- 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,656 of entertainment, but now we have TV, so who needs it?
- 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,158 I have to leave. - Kick ba--
- 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,743 Kick back, relax--
- 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,204 I must--I must leave. - Ninja star!
- 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,917 Sit back, relax, and enjoy
- 00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:25,586 this episode of "South Park," "Chicken Lover."
- 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,505 ♪ Get me off! ♪
- 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,021 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,731 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,733 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,276 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:50,736 - ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,571 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,281 - ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,783 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,284 - ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,120 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,707 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,501 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:09,421 Okay, children, each of you gets to choose two books
- 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,173 from the Booktastic Bus.
- 00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,633 Reading sucks ass.
- 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,385 Eric, shut up!
- 00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:18,222 Boring. Boring.
- 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,224 Gay. Boring, boring.
- 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,976 Hey, you guys, check out <i>these</i> books.
- 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,353 <i>Sabrina Unchained.</i>
- 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,398 Wow, these books look cool.
- 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,733 Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books.
- 00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:32,820 Hello, kids.
- 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,446 I see you're discovering the magic of reading.
- 00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:36,282 Who are you?
- 00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,450 I drive the Booktastic Bus, where magic begins.
- 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,828 You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you.
- 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,663 You can take a canoe down the Amazon,
- 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,498 or go back in time to Camelot,
- 00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:45,916 or become a race car driver,
- 00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:47,501 all by just opening a book.
- 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,336 Just like magic. The magic of reading.
- 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,005 Gosh, shut up, dude.
- 00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,590 Go ahead and pick any books you like,
- 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:55,426 then give in, give in to the magic.
- 00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:57,344 If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?
- 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,096 Yeah, this is stupid; books aren't magical.
- 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,431 I don't know, I'm kind of getting
- 00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:01,765 a tingly feeling looking at these.
- 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,811 I don't know, let's go see.
- 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:11,233 Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things.
- 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,653 It's a hard job, but then again, I'm a hard man.
- 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,114 A lot of people think that in a small town
- 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,074 there isn't a lot for the law to do.
- 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,242 Well, they're wrong.
- 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,869 <i>All units, all units,</i>
- 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,246 <i>report to 2-5-4 Avenue de los Mexicanos.</i>
- 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,831 <i>Possible hostile situation.</i>
- 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,291 There, you see?
- 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,834 This could be a bank robbery,
- 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,502 or possibly even a murder!
- 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,129 This ain't no Podunk little town.
- 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,089 <i>And, Barbrady, your wife called--</i>
- 00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:35,841 <i>she wants you to get some pizza on the way home.</i>
- 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:36,884 Goddamnit!
- 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,428 Cool. What is it? What is it?
- 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,641 - Okay, people, move along.
- 00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,684 There's nothing to see here.
- 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,394 What's the trouble? Where's the body?
- 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,438 - Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here
- 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,774 having sex with one of my chickens.
- 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:56,904 Uh, oh.
- 00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,907 My god, that's disgusting.
- 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,076 Whoa, dude, how do you have sex with a chicken?
- 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:03,786 Uh, boys, you move along.
- 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,704 This isn't for young eyes to see.
- 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,790 Did you get a good look at the suspect?
- 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,333 No, I didn't see anything.
- 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,418 It just happened so fast.
- 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:14,755 Well, uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?
- 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,840 Uh, we're gonna go grab some lunch
- 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,676 and maybe get some shots of those turtles
- 00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,636 down at the pond.
- 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,263 Ah, camel poo!
- 00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:23,430 Hey, what's this?
- 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,848 It looks like a note.
- 00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,600 Give me that! That's a clue
- 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,144 and you'll get your stinky DNA all over it.
- 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:32,273 What does it say? - Uh, it says...
- 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:35,025 Uh, "Sorry I had sex with a chicken.
- 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,111 I won't do it again. Bye, bye."
- 00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:39,154 Well, there you have it, case closed.
- 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,990 Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you?
- 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,783 Every time something happens in this town,
- 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,286 you say "Nothing to see here" and "Case closed",
- 00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:46,787 but we want justice!
- 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,580 We have to find this sicko!
- 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,374 I said return to your homes
- 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,251 before I start arresting people!
- 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,961 For what? Orderly conduct?
- 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:55,921 How about fishing without a license?
- 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,381 I'm not fishing.
- 00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,216 What do you call this then?
- 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,093 If you do not comply, I'll be forced
- 00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:03,012 to execute each and every one of you
- 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,097 by gunshot to the head.
- 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432 That's right,
- 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:07,975 return to your simple lives.
- 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,102 Just forget this ever happened.
- 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,228 Forget,
- 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:13,522 forget.
- 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,149 Wow, Barbrady sure is acting weird.
- 00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,900 Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.
- 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,835 <i>Welcome to Fran's, can I help you?</i>
- 00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:39,798 <i>Sir, can I help you?</i>
- 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,593 Uh, just give me two cheeseburgers
- 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,678 and some jalapeno poppers.
- 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,972 <i>Sir, there's just one problem.</i>
- 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,600 What's that? <i>- We're a bank.</i>
- 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,103 - I know that, smarty pants!
- 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,147 What do you think, I'm some kind of idiot?
- 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,733 <i>Yes.</i> - Hmm.
- 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,570 I can't go on living this lie!
- 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,657 <i>- With chicken after chicken being violated,</i>
- 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:08,035 <i>the South Park police are under increasing pressure</i>
- 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,788 <i>to solve the case of the chicken.</i>
- 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,706 <i>We now go live to a press conference</i>
- 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,291 <i>where Officer Barbrady and the mayor</i>
- 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,377 <i>are fielding questions.</i>
- 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,170 Officer Barbrady,
- 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,297 what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?
- 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,466 Well, nobody can say for sure.
- 00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,885 No motive has yet been established.
- 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,678 Do the police have any leads?
- 00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:28,972 Well, both 3-D computer modeling
- 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,557 and intensive seismology
- 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,976 have not given us any leads as of yet.
- 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,312 But has chicken left any clues at the crime?
- 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,816 All right, all right, I can't read!
- 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,154 There, I said it, I can't read.
- 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,532 Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed
- 00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,700 and now you all know my terrible secret!
- 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,244 I'm illegitimate!
- 00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:52,663 I'm not fit to be a policemen.
- 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,665 I retire!
- 00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,876 Okay, thank you all for coming.
- 00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,254 There's coffee and brownies out front.
- 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:03,382 <i>And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence</i>
- 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,134 <i>and South Park will have to manage</i>
- 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,302 <i>without any police force for a while.</i>
- 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,138 <i>This just in,</i>
- 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,849 <i>South Park has plunged into total anarchy.</i>
- 00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:13,517 <i>Exactly two seconds after</i>
- 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,185 <i>the retirement of Officer Barbrady,</i>
- 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,645 <i>looting and pillaging erupted</i>
- 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,313 <i>in the quiet mountain town.</i>
- 00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,570 Whoopie! This is killer.
- 00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:26,864 With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!
- 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,116 Woah, dude, what's going on?
- 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,242 I don't know.
- 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,787 Oh, my god, they've killed--
- 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:35,831 Oh, never mind.
- 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,126 I don't believe it.
- 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,879 All this time Barbrady actually <i>did</i> keep this town peaceful.
- 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,256 Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
- 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,467 He is.
- 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,635 Mayor, What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?
- 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,471 No reason for concern.
- 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,764 I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady
- 00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:54,892 is still our active police force.
- 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,852 But he's illiterate; what do you plan to do?
- 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,062 Uh, plan? I don't actually...
- 00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:01,148 Reading classes, plain and simple.
- 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:02,983 By the mayor's order Officer Barbrady
- 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,860 is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read.
- 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,237 Effective immediately. - Yes, that's right.
- 00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,615 It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!
- 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,994 Now, children, we have a new student joining us today.
- 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:17,372 Please say hi to Officer Barbrady.
- 00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,166 I can't see, dude.
- 00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:21,376 Okay, now since our focus has been on reading,
- 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,836 let's review some of the basics.
- 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,129 Yes, what is it?
- 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,715 I need to go poopies.
- 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,675 Officer Barbrady,
- 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,637 in school we go to the bathroom before and after class.
- 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,139 Oh, Christ, how do you kids do it?
- 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,016 Does anyone have any suggestions
- 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,101 where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?
- 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,978 How about a brain transplant?
- 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,022 Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student.
- 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,650 Give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive.
- 00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,360 Now I'm going to write a sentence
- 00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,529 and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
- 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,991 Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,451 Uh...
- 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,412 "O... O."
- 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,790 Bzzt, wrong! Try again, dumb-ass.
- 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,836 Okay, okay, maybe we should try something a little easier.
- 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:07,923 We can work our way up to the hard ones.
- 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,008 Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared.
- 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,552 Uh...
- 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,886 "O..." - Bzzt! Drr!
- 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,930 Did you hear that Mr. Hat?
- 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,432 I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard.
- 00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,770 Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
- 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,647 No, we just fake it to shut him up.
- 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,316 Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,651 Let's try again.
- 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,659 Say, what are nice chickens like you
- 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:39,246 doing in a coop like this?
- 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,877 - Now, children, I hope
- 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,379 you all had a good time reading your books
- 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,257 and are prepared for your book reports.
- 00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,800 Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat?
- 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,926 Let's see.
- 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,804 How about Stan or Kyle?
- 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,181 Eric, why don't you go first? - Ugh.
- 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,350 What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?
- 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,436 I'm prepared!
- 00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,271 For my book report I read
- 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:06,356 "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe."
- 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,691 It was very, very good.
- 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,484 Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
- 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,154 No, I can't say that I have. - Oh, good.
- 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,989 In "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe",
- 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,325 a bunch of, uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff.
- 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,703 They eat lunch and then they find a magical <i>camel</i>
- 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,496 which they have to eat to stay alive,
- 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,707 and that's pretty much it. I give it a "B minus".
- 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,335 And I give you an "F", Eric, now sit down.
- 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,711 Goddamnit!
- 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,839 Okay, Officer Barbrady,
- 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633 why don't you give us your book report?
- 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,762 I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel,
- 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,472 "Go, Dog, Go".
- 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,891 I found it a compelling and disturbing look
- 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,643 at the canine psyche.
- 00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,270 If I may read a passage.
- 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,522 "Big dog...
- 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,859 "Little dog.
- 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,865 "A red dog
- 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,367 on a..."
- 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,036 Well, anyway,
- 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,121 I don't want to give away the ending,
- 00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,083 but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn
- 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,293 that parallels my own life.
- 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,961 Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,089 That was a very good book report indeed.
- 00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:13,507 I'll give you an "A".
- 00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:14,675 Hurray!
- 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,259 Goody two-shoes.
- 00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,264 ♪ Swing set, swing set ♪
- 00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,684 ♪ Up and down I go ♪
- 00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,186 ♪ Whoosh goes the willy wind ♪
- 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:27,979 ♪ Blowing through my toes ♪
- 00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,606 Dude, I think Officer Barbrady
- 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,608 enjoys being at school a little too much.
- 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,652 Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?
- 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,196 ♪ Swing set, swing set ♪
- 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,864 ♪ Up and down I go ♪
- 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,784 Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?
- 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,996 Oh my god! They killed--
- 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,581 Oh, never mind.
- 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,583 Well, how's the reading coming along?
- 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,627 Oh, pretty good.
- 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,754 Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up.
- 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,381 The chicken struck again last night.
- 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,133 Oh, no!
- 00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,926 Oh, mayor, please, when we're around children
- 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,804 we prefer to call him the chicken <i>lover.</i>
- 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,598 This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken.
- 00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,308 She's catatonic.
- 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,185 Who, Carla Weathers or the chicken?
- 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,813 The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
- 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,691 Oh, I can't read this. It has silent E's.
- 00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735 You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!
- 00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,278 I'm doing the best I can!
- 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,447 I even got a "A" on my book report.
- 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,574 Listen, buddy, either you learn to read quick
- 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:24,077 or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!
- 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,708 Hey, what'd you do that for?
- 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,501 Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry.
- 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,963 Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble.
- 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,840 I'll never learn to read fast enough
- 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,425 and the town is in chaos!
- 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,051 It's cool, dude, we'll help you.
- 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,429 Hey, that's right, you <i>can</i> help me.
- 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:46,224 Under article 39, section two of police code,
- 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:49,728 I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.
- 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,313 Really? I want to be a cop.
- 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,148 You boys will be my deputies.
- 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,610 You can help me restore order, catch the chicken lover,
- 00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,738 and swing me on the swing set. - Do I get a nightstick?
- 00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,823 - Sure, nightsticks for everybody!
- 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,451 You keep a tab on crime in the city,
- 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:07,245 and we'll try to solve the chicken lover case.
- 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,539 10-4, sergeant.
- 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,583 Now what does that clue say again?
- 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,585 "If you want to know where I'll strike next,
- 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,630 read "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft".
- 00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,298 To the Booktastic Bus, deputies!
- 00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:19,800 We haven't a moment to spare.
- 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:22,385 hurray!
- 00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,012 Good day, friends.
- 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,597 Welcome to the magical world of reading.
- 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,516 We need a copy of
- 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,893 "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft" right away.
- 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,104 Ooh, that's a very magical book, full of wonders--
- 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,649 Ah, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!
- 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,027 What's it say?
- 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,948 It says "ma... Ma..."
- 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,115 What's this word?
- 00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,117 "I". - Oh, yeah.
- 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:50,121 "I, ma... Ma..." - Here, give me that.
- 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,291 "I am Bumbly Wumbly, I live in the pond."
- 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,877 A pond. Hey! Maybe that means Stark's Pond.
- 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,671 That's quick thinking, deputy.
- 00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,423 Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately.
- 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,978 Hey.
- 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,821 Uh, yes, officer?
- 00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,740 I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there.
- 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,826 Do you know what the speed limit is here?
- 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,870 Well, according to that sign right there,
- 00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:31,371 it's 40 miles an hour.
- 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,206 Step out of the car please, sir.
- 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,500 Wait a second, aren't you Stan's little friend?
- 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,836 Sir, step out of the car, please.
- 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,462 Yeah, you're the one
- 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,964 who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
- 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,507 Hey, I am a cop
- 00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,260 and you will respect my authority!
- 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,971 Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy.
- 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,389 Ow!
- 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,558 Get your ass to jail! - Ow!
- 00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,976 Hey, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,604 You can't do that! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,397 Sweet.
- 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,318 Oh, weak, dude, we're too late.
- 00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:02,694 Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
- 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,321 Well, this is terrible.
- 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,156 Now, who would have sex with a chicken?
- 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,574 I would.
- 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,452 Oh, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy.
- 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,329 You don't have any legs.
- 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,372 Oh, yeah.
- 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,167 Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?
- 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,211 Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.
- 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,797 Here, here, I found one! - What's it say? What's it say?
- 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:26,635 It says read "Teetle the Timid, ta- ta- ta..."
- 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,179 The taxi-- What's this word?
- 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,847 I don't know.
- 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,643 "Ta- ta-...
- 00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,605 Ta... Taxidermist!"
- 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,944 I read it! I read it all by myself!
- 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,863 Hurray, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,366 <i>...Enroute to 496.</i>
- 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,992 I've been working this beat
- 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,869 for about three days now.
- 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,996 You definitely have to have pretty thick skin
- 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082 or else these people, they just walk all over you.
- 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,125 Sometimes you have to go undercover
- 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,794 to get the worst of them.
- 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,925 Hi, there, little lady.
- 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,970 Well, hi there. What are you doing tonight?
- 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,472 Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous.
- 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,015 Is 20 dollars enough?
- 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,601 Sir, step out of the car, please?
- 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,687 What? Uh-oh. Is this a bust?
- 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,772 Sir, step out of the car.
- 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,025 Hey, wait a minute, you're just a kid.
- 00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,362 - Maybe this will teach you to listen to authority!
- 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,406 Ow! Ow! Ow!
- 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,199 Hey, man, what are you doing?
- 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,784 Ow, stop it!
- 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:37,455 Eh, sometimes upholding the law is messy,
- 00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,249 but you get by...
- 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:40,834 one day at a time.
- 00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,088 I got a TV. Sh, come on!
- 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:52,971 "Teetle the timid taxidermist
- 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,432 loves to..."
- 00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,976 Oh, Goddamn, reading is lame.
- 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,395 How's it going, dude? - Terrible, I give up.
- 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,732 I'm not fit to be a cop.
- 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,233 Come on, dude, it's not that hard.
- 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,651 It is, too!
- 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,194 Just read the sentence.
- 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,239 "Teetle the timid taxidermist
- 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:15,493 loves to go to the pet, pet..."
- 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,037 Come on, dumb-ass, you can do it.
- 00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:19,289 "Pet..." Wait a minute.
- 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:22,083 Conjugate the verb.
- 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,170 Conjugate the verb.
- 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:29,549 Yes, conjugate the verb.
- 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,259 "Pet-ting."
- 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,761 "Petting zoo!"
- 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,263 He loves to go to the petting zoo!
- 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,390 Boys, we're off.
- 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,060 <i>All units, all units,</i>
- 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:42,896 <i>512 at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos</i>
- 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,439 <i>request assistance.</i>
- 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,491 Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
- 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,076 We're fine, officer.
- 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,620 And, uh, who--who's in here with you?
- 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,663 - Just me and my wife and my brother,
- 00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,373 and my wife's cousin and his son,
- 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,375 and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids,
- 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,294 and my brother's girlfriend's mother,
- 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,171 and this guy Bob who I met last year.
- 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,715 - Poor people tend to live in clusters.
- 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,801 What--what did you say? - Nothing.
- 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,803 Now, sir, is there some kind of--
- 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,554 I want him out of my house!
- 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,098 He ain't worth a shit!
- 00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,724 He can't even hold a job!
- 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,476 Shut up, bitch.
- 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436 Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language.
- 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,063 There's children present here.
- 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,815 You lazy ass mother.
- 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,650 Look what she did to my eye!
- 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,401 - I'll do it again!
- 00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:34,072 Mom hit Dad again.
- 00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,782 Now the first thing to do
- 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,909 in domestic disturbance calls like this one
- 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,495 is to just calm everybody down.
- 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,081 Respect my authority!
- 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,626 <i>All units, all units,</i>
- 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,628 <i>we have a 5-20 on the suspect.</i>
- 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,631 <i>Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately.</i>
- 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,258 Chicken lover.
- 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,388 Keep your eyes peeled, boys.
- 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:02,642 Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute.
- 00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,144 Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
- 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:05,562 Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
- 00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,147 Oh, no!
- 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,316 Shh!
- 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,945 Keep your eyes peeled.
- 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,072 Look!
- 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,908 He's here. - Grab him!
- 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,954 Dammit, can't this thing go any faster?
- 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,380 Oh, my God, they've killed--
- 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,382 Goddamnit.
- 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,552 I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon.
- 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,304 I think that's a mask, dude.
- 00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,264 Oh.
- 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,600 Whoa, dude. It's the book mobile driver.
- 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:46,269 Caught you red-handed. - Indeed you did.
- 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,021 How did you know I would strike here?
- 00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,773 - By reading "Teetle the Timid Taxidermist".
- 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,817 You did, really? Then it worked.
- 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,445 My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly.
- 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,197 What are you talking about, dude?
- 00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,365 When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read,
- 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,659 I knew I had to motivate him somehow.
- 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,453 So I formulated a plan to encourage him
- 00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,371 to learn the magic of reading.
- 00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:06,998 So you a bunch of chickens?
- 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,541 Yes, yes, exactly.
- 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,877 - Don't you see? - Only by chickens
- 00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:13,379 could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
- 00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,548 That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, dude.
- 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:18,760 Oh, no? He who is blind can now see.
- 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,511 I got Officer Barbrady to read.
- 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,305 My plan worked perfectly.
- 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,516 Well, I guess I should say thanks?
- 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,769 You're welcome. And now my reading friend,
- 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,729 you've proven that you are ready for the big time.
- 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,481 I give you this hardback copy
- 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,941 of "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand.
- 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,275 Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
- 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,069 Cartman!
- 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,196 I got reports the suspect is in this area.
- 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,448 Well, he is. It turns out that book mobile driver here
- 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,783 was the one making love to chickens.
- 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,326 Ah, ha!
- 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,162 Ow, that hurts! - Whoa, dude. Cartman!
- 00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,332 No, no, that's not how you uphold the law!
- 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:52,794 But he is not listening to my authority.
- 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:56,381 Oh, oh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend.
- 00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,216 You do it like this.
- 00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,926 You gotta get them in the head.
- 00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,469 They go down quicker.
- 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,971 Oh.
- 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,514 I guess you should leave police work
- 00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:06,349 to the professionals, huh, Cartman?
- 00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,059 Well, anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties.
- 00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,727 I've proved that I can read,
- 00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,437 and now I'm back on the job.
- 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,481 Hurray!
- 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,275 Hey, so what are you gonna do now?
- 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,277 Now? Well...
- 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:20,154 I, uh, I think I'll get in the bathtub
- 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,157 and then curl up with a good book.
- 00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:50,560 <i>- And so today, South Park held a parade</i>
- 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,520 <i>to honor Officer Barbrady</i>
- 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,690 <i>and his heroic work on the chicken case.</i>
- 00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,487 Thank you, everybody, thank you!
- 00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,948 Speech, speech! - What?
- 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,908 They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady,
- 00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:07,493 about the whole experience over the last couple of days.
- 00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:08,703 Oh, okay.
- 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,371 Well, first of all
- 00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:11,956 I'd like to thank the town of South Park,
- 00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,708 the town that bore me
- 00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:16,711 and eventually will rob me of my life precious.
- 00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,921 Second, I'd like to say to all those out there
- 00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,506 who think they can screw chickens
- 00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:22,133 just to teach people to read,
- 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,468 your days are numbered!
- 00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,930 And finally I'd like to say
- 00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:30,725 that reading totally sucks ass.
- 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,685 Hurray!
- 00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:34,937 Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read.
- 00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,231 It seemed exciting and magical,
- 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,941 but then I read this,
- 00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,069 "Atlas Shrugged", by Ayn Rand.
- 00:22:41,194 --> 00:22:43,446 I read every last word of this garbage
- 00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,239 and because of this piece of shit
- 00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,991 I'm never reading again!
- 00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:49,660 Hurray for Barbrady!
- 00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:51,871 Wow, I guess reading really does suck ass.
- 00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,374 Hey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.
- 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,792 I'm just glad everything turned out okay,
- 00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,210 and Barbrady got his job back.
- 00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:58,628 It's poetic justice.
- 00:22:58,753 --> 00:22:59,921 Thanks, boys.
- 00:00:02,128 --> 00:00:04,046 <i>One, two, three, four.</i>
- 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:06,590 <i>[growling, singing death metal indistinctly]</i>
- 00:00:06,716 --> 00:00:10,177 [rock acoustic guitar music] [singing gibberish]
- 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,596 ♪ I'ma say, hey ♪
- 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,807 ♪ Death live long, death come for you! ♪
- 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,642 [yelling, singing gibberish]
- 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,936 ♪ Baby, you don't know, you don't know me! ♪
- 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,938 ♪ I don't know you! ♪
- 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,357 ♪ You know nothing! ♪
- 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:24,567 ♪ Livin' a lie, livin' a lie! ♪
- 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,735 ♪ You're living a lie! ♪
- 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:27,111 ♪ You're living a lie! ♪
- 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,113 Oh, hi, everybody.
- 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,948 You just caught Matt and I doing what we love to do most,
- 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,117 entertaining senior citizens at a retirement home.
- 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,327 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang.
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,204 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said!
- 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,748 [All] Hi. - What you're about to see
- 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:40,541 is our favorite episode of "South Park."
- 00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:42,084 It's called "Chicken Lover," and it's about a man
- 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,544 who likes to have sex with chickens.
- 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:44,920 [chuckles] That's right, Matt.
- 00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:46,464 You know, sex with chickens
- 00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:47,673 dates back to the late 1800s when--
- 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:49,383 Excuse me. - What?
- 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,135 Can we leave?
- 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,387 No, you can't leave. We're entertaining you.
- 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,847 You're talking to the camera.
- 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,265 Hey, just keep your damn pants on!
- 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,725 This is our other job, all right?
- 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,769 I have other things to do, too.
- 00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:02,897 Sit down, or else it's ninja star in the forehead for you.
- 00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:08,861 Anyway, this episode also deals with the wonders of reading.
- 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,696 That's right. Reading used to be a fun form
- 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,656 of entertainment, but now we have TV, so who needs it?
- 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,158 I have to leave. - Kick ba--
- 00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,743 [both sigh] Kick back, relax--
- 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,204 I must--I must leave. - Ninja star!
- 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,917 Sit back, relax, and enjoy
- 00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:25,586 this episode of "South Park," "Chicken Lover."
- 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,505 [rock acoustic guitar music] - ♪ Get me off! ♪
- 00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:30,299 [yelling, singing indistinctly]
- 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,260 [barking, singing indistinctly]
- 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:42,520 <i>[twangy music]</i>
- 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,021 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,731 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,733 all: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,276 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:50,736 - ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,571 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,281 - ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,783 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,284 - ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,120 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:02,206 [mumbling]
- 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,707 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,501 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:09,421 Okay, children, each of you gets to choose two books
- 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,173 from the Booktastic Bus.
- 00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,633 Reading sucks ass.
- 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,385 Eric, shut up!
- 00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:18,222 Boring. Boring.
- 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,224 Gay. Boring, boring.
- 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,976 Hey, you guys, check out <i>these</i> books.
- 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:24,353 <i>Sabrina Unchained.</i>
- 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,398 Wow, these books look cool.
- 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,733 Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books.
- 00:02:29,859 --> 00:02:32,820 [mumbling] - Hello, kids.
- 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,446 I see you're discovering the magic of reading.
- 00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:36,282 Who are you?
- 00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,450 I drive the Booktastic Bus, where magic begins.
- 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,828 You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you.
- 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,663 You can take a canoe down the Amazon,
- 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,498 or go back in time to Camelot,
- 00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:45,916 or become a race car driver,
- 00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:47,501 all by just opening a book.
- 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,336 Just like magic. The magic of reading.
- 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,005 Gosh, shut up, dude.
- 00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,590 Go ahead and pick any books you like,
- 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:55,426 then give in, give in to the magic.
- 00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:57,344 If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?
- 00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,096 Yeah, this is stupid; books aren't magical.
- 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,431 I don't know, I'm kind of getting
- 00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:01,765 a tingly feeling looking at these.
- 00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:03,434 [chicken clucking]
- 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,811 [mumbling] - I don't know, let's go see.
- 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:11,233 Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things.
- 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,653 It's a hard job, but then again, I'm a hard man.
- 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,114 A lot of people think that in a small town
- 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,074 there isn't a lot for the law to do.
- 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,242 Well, they're wrong.
- 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,869 <i>All units, all units,</i>
- 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,246 <i>report to 2-5-4 Avenue de los Mexicanos.</i>
- 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,831 <i>Possible hostile situation.</i>
- 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,291 There, you see?
- 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,834 This could be a bank robbery,
- 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:30,502 or possibly even a murder!
- 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,129 This ain't no Podunk little town.
- 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,089 <i>And, Barbrady, your wife called--</i>
- 00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:35,841 <i>she wants you to get some pizza on the way home.</i>
- 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:36,884 Goddamnit!
- 00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,135 [indistinct chatter]
- 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,428 Cool. What is it? What is it?
- 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,641 - Okay, people, move along.
- 00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,684 There's nothing to see here.
- 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,394 What's the trouble? Where's the body?
- 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:49,438 - Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here
- 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,774 having sex with one of my chickens.
- 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:56,904 Uh, oh.
- 00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:58,113 [chicken clucking]
- 00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,907 My god, that's disgusting.
- 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,076 Whoa, dude, how do you have sex with a chicken?
- 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:03,786 Uh, boys, you move along.
- 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,704 This isn't for young eyes to see.
- 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,790 Did you get a good look at the suspect?
- 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,333 No, I didn't see anything.
- 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,418 It just happened so fast.
- 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:14,755 Well, uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?
- 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,840 Uh, we're gonna go grab some lunch
- 00:04:16,966 --> 00:04:18,676 and maybe get some shots of those turtles
- 00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,636 down at the pond.
- 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,263 Ah, camel poo!
- 00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:23,430 Hey, what's this?
- 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,848 It looks like a note.
- 00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,600 Give me that! That's a clue
- 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,144 and you'll get your stinky DNA all over it.
- 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:32,273 What does it say? - Uh, it says...
- 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:35,025 Uh, "Sorry I had sex with a chicken.
- 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,111 I won't do it again. Bye, bye."
- 00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:39,154 Well, there you have it, case closed.
- 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,990 Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you?
- 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,783 Every time something happens in this town,
- 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,286 you say "Nothing to see here" and "Case closed",
- 00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:46,787 but we want justice!
- 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,580 We have to find this sicko!
- 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,374 I said return to your homes
- 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,251 before I start arresting people!
- 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:53,961 For what? Orderly conduct?
- 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:55,921 How about fishing without a license?
- 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,381 I'm not fishing.
- 00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,216 What do you call this then?
- 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,093 If you do not comply, I'll be forced
- 00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:03,012 to execute each and every one of you
- 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,097 by gunshot to the head.
- 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,432 That's right,
- 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:07,975 return to your simple lives.
- 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:10,102 Just forget this ever happened.
- 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,228 Forget,
- 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:13,522 forget.
- 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,149 Wow, Barbrady sure is acting weird.
- 00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,900 Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.
- 00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:25,451 [engine turns over]
- 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:26,827 [tires screech]
- 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,835 <i>Welcome to Fran's, can I help you?</i>
- 00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:39,798 <i>Sir, can I help you?</i>
- 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,593 Uh, just give me two cheeseburgers
- 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,678 and some jalapeno poppers.
- 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,972 <i>Sir, there's just one problem.</i>
- 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,600 What's that? <i>- We're a bank.</i>
- 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,103 - I know that, smarty pants!
- 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,147 What do you think, I'm some kind of idiot?
- 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,733 <i>Yes.</i> - Hmm.
- 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,570 I can't go on living this lie!
- 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,657 <i>- With chicken after chicken being violated,</i>
- 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:08,035 <i>the South Park police are under increasing pressure</i>
- 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,788 <i>to solve the case of the chicken [bleep].</i>
- 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,706 <i>We now go live to a press conference</i>
- 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,291 <i>where Officer Barbrady and the mayor</i>
- 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,377 <i>are fielding questions.</i>
- 00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,170 Officer Barbrady,
- 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,297 what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?
- 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,466 Well, nobody can say for sure.
- 00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,885 No motive has yet been established.
- 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,678 Do the police have any leads?
- 00:06:26,804 --> 00:06:28,972 Well, both 3-D computer modeling
- 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:30,557 and intensive seismology
- 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,976 have not given us any leads as of yet.
- 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,312 But has chicken [bleep] left any clues at the crime?
- 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,816 All right, all right, I can't read!
- 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,154 There, I said it, I can't read.
- 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,532 Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed
- 00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,700 and now you all know my terrible secret!
- 00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,244 I'm illegitimate!
- 00:06:50,369 --> 00:06:52,663 I'm not fit to be a policemen.
- 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,665 I retire!
- 00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,876 Okay, thank you all for coming.
- 00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,254 There's coffee and brownies out front.
- 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:03,382 <i>And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence</i>
- 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,134 <i>and South Park will have to manage</i>
- 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,302 <i>without any police force for a while.</i>
- 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,138 <i>This just in,</i>
- 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,849 <i>South Park has plunged into total anarchy.</i>
- 00:07:11,974 --> 00:07:13,517 <i>Exactly two seconds after</i>
- 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,185 <i>the retirement of Officer Barbrady,</i>
- 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,645 <i>looting and pillaging erupted</i>
- 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,313 <i>in the quiet mountain town.</i>
- 00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,774 [yelling]
- 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,734 [screaming]
- 00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,570 Whoopie! This is killer.
- 00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:26,864 With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!
- 00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,115 [alarm blaring]
- 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,116 Woah, dude, what's going on?
- 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,242 I don't know.
- 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,787 Oh, my god, they've killed--
- 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:35,831 Oh, never mind.
- 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:36,915 [gunfire, screaming]
- 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,126 I don't believe it.
- 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,879 All this time Barbrady actually <i>did</i> keep this town peaceful.
- 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,256 Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
- 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,467 He is.
- 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,635 Mayor, What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?
- 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,471 No reason for concern.
- 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,764 I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady
- 00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:54,892 is still our active police force.
- 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,852 But he's illiterate; what do you plan to do?
- 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,062 Uh, plan? I don't actually...
- 00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:01,148 Reading classes, plain and simple.
- 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:02,983 By the mayor's order Officer Barbrady
- 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,860 is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read.
- 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,237 Effective immediately. - Yes, that's right.
- 00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,615 It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!
- 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,994 Now, children, we have a new student joining us today.
- 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:17,372 Please say hi to Officer Barbrady.
- 00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,166 I can't see, dude.
- 00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:21,376 Okay, now since our focus has been on reading,
- 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,836 let's review some of the basics.
- 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,129 Yes, what is it?
- 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,715 I need to go poopies.
- 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,675 Officer Barbrady,
- 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,637 in school we go to the bathroom before and after class.
- 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,139 Oh, Christ, how do you kids do it?
- 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,016 Does anyone have any suggestions
- 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,101 where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?
- 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,978 How about a brain transplant?
- 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,022 Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student.
- 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,650 Give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive.
- 00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,360 Now I'm going to write a sentence
- 00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,529 and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
- 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,991 Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,451 Uh...
- 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:57,412 "O... O."
- 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,790 Bzzt, wrong! Try again, dumb-ass.
- 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:02,167 [laughing]
- 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,836 Okay, okay, maybe we should try something a little easier.
- 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:07,923 We can work our way up to the hard ones.
- 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,008 Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared.
- 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,552 Uh...
- 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,886 "O..." - Bzzt! Drr!
- 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,930 Did you hear that Mr. Hat?
- 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,432 I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard.
- 00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,393 [laughing]
- 00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,770 Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
- 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,647 No, we just fake it to shut him up.
- 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,316 Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,651 Let's try again.
- 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,779 [chickens clucking]
- 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,659 Say, what are nice chickens like you
- 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:39,246 doing in a coop like this?
- 00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,581 [loud clucking]
- 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,877 - Now, children, I hope
- 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,379 you all had a good time reading your books
- 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,257 and are prepared for your book reports.
- 00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,800 Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat?
- 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,926 Let's see.
- 00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,804 How about Stan or Kyle?
- 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,181 Eric, why don't you go first? - Ugh.
- 00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,350 What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?
- 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,436 I'm prepared!
- 00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,271 For my book report I read
- 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:06,356 "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe."
- 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,691 It was very, very good.
- 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,484 Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
- 00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,154 No, I can't say that I have. - Oh, good.
- 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,989 In "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe",
- 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,325 a bunch of, uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff.
- 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,703 They eat lunch and then they find a magical <i>camel</i>
- 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,496 which they have to eat to stay alive,
- 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,707 and that's pretty much it. I give it a "B minus".
- 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:26,335 And I give you an "F", Eric, now sit down.
- 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,711 Goddamnit!
- 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,296 [laughing]
- 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,839 Okay, Officer Barbrady,
- 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633 why don't you give us your book report?
- 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,762 I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel,
- 00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,472 "Go, Dog, Go".
- 00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,891 I found it a compelling and disturbing look
- 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,643 at the canine psyche.
- 00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,270 If I may read a passage.
- 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,522 "Big dog...
- 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,859 "Little dog.
- 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,865 "A red dog
- 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,367 on a..."
- 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,036 Well, anyway,
- 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,121 I don't want to give away the ending,
- 00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,083 but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn
- 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,293 that parallels my own life.
- 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,961 Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,089 That was a very good book report indeed.
- 00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:13,507 I'll give you an "A".
- 00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:14,675 Hurray!
- 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,259 Goody two-shoes.
- 00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:21,264 ♪ Swing set, swing set ♪
- 00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:23,684 ♪ Up and down I go ♪
- 00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:26,186 ♪ Whoosh goes the willy wind ♪
- 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:27,979 ♪ Blowing through my toes ♪
- 00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,606 Dude, I think Officer Barbrady
- 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,608 enjoys being at school a little too much.
- 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,652 Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?
- 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,196 ♪ Swing set, swing set ♪
- 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,864 ♪ Up and down I go ♪
- 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,784 Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?
- 00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,828 [muffled yelling, grunts]
- 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,996 Oh my god! They killed-- - [grunt]
- 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:46,581 Oh, never mind.
- 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,583 Well, how's the reading coming along?
- 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,627 Oh, pretty good.
- 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,754 Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up.
- 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,381 The chicken [bleep] struck again last night.
- 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,133 Oh, no!
- 00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,926 Oh, mayor, please, when we're around children
- 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,804 we prefer to call him the chicken <i>lover.</i>
- 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,598 This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken.
- 00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,308 She's catatonic.
- 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,185 Who, Carla Weathers or the chicken?
- 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,813 The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
- 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,691 Oh, I can't read this. It has silent E's.
- 00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,735 You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!
- 00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,278 I'm doing the best I can!
- 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,447 I even got a "A" on my book report.
- 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,574 Listen, buddy, either you learn to read quick
- 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:24,077 or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!
- 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,708 Hey, what'd you do that for?
- 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,501 Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry.
- 00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,963 Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble.
- 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,840 I'll never learn to read fast enough
- 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,425 and the town is in chaos!
- 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,051 It's cool, dude, we'll help you.
- 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,429 Hey, that's right, you <i>can</i> help me.
- 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:46,224 Under article 39, section two of police code,
- 00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:49,728 I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.
- 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,313 Really? I want to be a cop.
- 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,148 You boys will be my deputies.
- 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,610 You can help me restore order, catch the chicken lover,
- 00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,738 and swing me on the swing set. - Do I get a nightstick?
- 00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,823 - Sure, nightsticks for everybody!
- 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,451 You keep a tab on crime in the city,
- 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:07,245 and we'll try to solve the chicken lover case.
- 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,539 10-4, sergeant.
- 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,583 Now what does that clue say again?
- 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,585 "If you want to know where I'll strike next,
- 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,630 read "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft".
- 00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,298 To the Booktastic Bus, deputies!
- 00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:19,800 We haven't a moment to spare.
- 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:22,385 [together] hurray!
- 00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:24,012 Good day, friends.
- 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,597 Welcome to the magical world of reading.
- 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,516 We need a copy of
- 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:29,893 "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft" right away.
- 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,104 Ooh, that's a very magical book, full of wonders--
- 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,649 Ah, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!
- 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,027 What's it say?
- 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:42,948 It says "ma... Ma..."
- 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,115 What's this word?
- 00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,117 "I". - Oh, yeah.
- 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:50,121 "I, ma... Ma..." - Here, give me that.
- 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:53,291 "I am Bumbly Wumbly, I live in the pond."
- 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,877 A pond. Hey! Maybe that means Stark's Pond.
- 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,671 That's quick thinking, deputy.
- 00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,423 Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately.
- 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:05,720 <i>[upbeat mysterious music]</i>
- 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,517 [honking]
- 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,978 Hey. [siren wailing]
- 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,821 Uh, yes, officer?
- 00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,740 I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there.
- 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,826 Do you know what the speed limit is here?
- 00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,870 Well, according to that sign right there,
- 00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:31,371 it's 40 miles an hour.
- 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,206 Step out of the car please, sir.
- 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,500 Wait a second, aren't you Stan's little friend?
- 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,836 Sir, step out of the car, please.
- 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,462 Yeah, you're the one
- 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:40,964 who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
- 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,507 Hey, I am a cop
- 00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,260 and you will respect my authority!
- 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,971 Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy.
- 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,389 [grunts] Ow!
- 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,558 Get your ass to jail! - Ow!
- 00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:52,976 Hey, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,604 You can't do that! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,397 Sweet.
- 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,318 Oh, weak, dude, we're too late.
- 00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:02,694 Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
- 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,321 Well, this is terrible.
- 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,156 Now, who would have sex with a chicken?
- 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,574 I would.
- 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,452 Oh, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy.
- 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,329 You don't have any legs.
- 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,372 Oh, yeah.
- 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,167 Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?
- 00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:20,211 Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.
- 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,797 Here, here, I found one! - What's it say? What's it say?
- 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:26,635 It says read "Teetle the Timid, ta- ta- ta..."
- 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,179 The taxi-- What's this word?
- 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,847 I don't know.
- 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,643 "Ta- ta-...
- 00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,605 Ta... Taxidermist!"
- 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,482 [chicken clucking]
- 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,944 I read it! I read it all by myself!
- 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:45,111 [cheers and applause]
- 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,863 Hurray, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,366 <i>...Enroute to 496.</i>
- 00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:50,992 I've been working this beat
- 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,869 for about three days now.
- 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,996 You definitely have to have pretty thick skin
- 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082 or else these people, they just walk all over you.
- 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,125 Sometimes you have to go undercover
- 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,794 to get the worst of them.
- 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,925 Hi, there, little lady.
- 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,970 Well, hi there. What are you doing tonight?
- 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,472 Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous.
- 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,015 Is 20 dollars enough?
- 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,601 Sir, step out of the car, please?
- 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,687 What? Uh-oh. Is this a bust?
- 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,772 Sir, step out of the car.
- 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,025 Hey, wait a minute, you're just a kid.
- 00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:27,362 - Maybe this will teach you to listen to authority!
- 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,406 Ow! Ow! Ow!
- 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,199 Hey, man, what are you doing?
- 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,784 Ow, stop it!
- 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:37,455 Eh, sometimes upholding the law is messy,
- 00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,249 but you get by...
- 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:40,834 one day at a time.
- 00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,088 I got a TV. Sh, come on!
- 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:52,971 "Teetle the timid taxidermist
- 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,432 loves to..."
- 00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,976 Oh, Goddamn, reading is lame.
- 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,395 How's it going, dude? - Terrible, I give up.
- 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,732 I'm not fit to be a cop. [sobs]
- 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,233 Come on, dude, it's not that hard.
- 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,651 It is, too!
- 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,194 Just read the sentence.
- 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,239 "Teetle the timid taxidermist
- 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:15,493 loves to go to the pet, pet..."
- 00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,037 Come on, dumb-ass, you can do it.
- 00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:19,289 "Pet..." Wait a minute.
- 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:22,083 Conjugate the verb.
- 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,170 Conjugate the verb.
- 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:29,549 Yes, conjugate the verb.
- 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,259 "Pet-ting."
- 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,761 "Petting zoo!"
- 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,263 He loves to go to the petting zoo!
- 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,390 Boys, we're off.
- 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,060 <i>All units, all units,</i>
- 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:42,896 <i>512 at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos</i>
- 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,439 <i>request assistance.</i>
- 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,691 [siren wailing]
- 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,491 Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
- 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,076 We're fine, officer.
- 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,620 And, uh, who--who's in here with you?
- 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,663 - Just me and my wife and my brother,
- 00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,373 and my wife's cousin and his son,
- 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,375 and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids,
- 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,294 and my brother's girlfriend's mother,
- 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,171 and this guy Bob who I met last year.
- 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,715 - Poor people tend to live in clusters.
- 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,801 What--what did you say? - Nothing.
- 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,803 Now, sir, is there some kind of--
- 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,554 I want him out of my house!
- 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,098 He ain't worth a shit!
- 00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,724 He can't even hold a [bleep] job!
- 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,476 Shut up, bitch.
- 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436 Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language.
- 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,063 There's children present here.
- 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,815 You lazy ass mother[bleep].
- 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,650 Look what she did to my [bleep] eye!
- 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,401 - I'll do it again!
- 00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:31,820 [laughing]
- 00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:34,072 Mom hit Dad again.
- 00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,782 Now the first thing to do
- 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,909 in domestic disturbance calls like this one
- 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,495 is to just calm everybody down.
- 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,081 Respect my authority!
- 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,083 [both grunting]
- 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,626 <i>All units, all units,</i>
- 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,628 <i>we have a 5-20 on the suspect.</i>
- 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,631 <i>Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately.</i>
- 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,258 Chicken lover.
- 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,388 Keep your eyes peeled, boys.
- 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:02,642 Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute.
- 00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,144 Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
- 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:05,562 Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
- 00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,147 Oh, no!
- 00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:08,189 [brush rustling]
- 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,316 Shh!
- 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,818 [clucks]
- 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,945 Keep your eyes peeled.
- 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,072 Look!
- 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:17,365 [chicken clucking]
- 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,908 He's here. - Grab him!
- 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,035 [siren wailing]
- 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,954 Dammit, can't this thing go any faster?
- 00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,291 [grunting]
- 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,295 [gunshot]
- 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,380 [gasps] Oh, my God, they've killed--
- 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,382 [mumbling] - Goddamnit.
- 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,552 I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon.
- 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,304 I think that's a mask, dude.
- 00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,264 Oh.
- 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,600 Whoa, dude. It's the book mobile driver.
- 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:46,269 Caught you red-handed. - Indeed you did.
- 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,021 How did you know I would strike here?
- 00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,773 - By reading "Teetle the Timid Taxidermist".
- 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,817 You did, really? Then it worked.
- 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,445 My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly.
- 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,197 What are you talking about, dude?
- 00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,365 When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read,
- 00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,659 I knew I had to motivate him somehow.
- 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,453 So I formulated a plan to encourage him
- 00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,371 to learn the magic of reading.
- 00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:06,998 So you [bleep] a bunch of chickens?
- 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,541 Yes, yes, exactly.
- 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,877 Don't you see? Only by [bleep] chickens
- 00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:13,379 could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
- 00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,548 That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, dude.
- 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:18,760 Oh, no? He who is blind can now see.
- 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,511 I got Officer Barbrady to read.
- 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,305 My plan worked perfectly.
- 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,516 Well, I guess I should say thanks?
- 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,769 You're welcome. And now my reading friend,
- 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,729 you've proven that you are ready for the big time.
- 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,481 I give you this hardback copy
- 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,941 of "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand.
- 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,275 Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
- 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,069 Cartman!
- 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,196 I got reports the suspect is in this area.
- 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,448 Well, he is. It turns out that book mobile driver here
- 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:41,783 was the one making love to chickens.
- 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,326 Ah, ha!
- 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:46,162 Ow, that hurts! - Whoa, dude. Cartman!
- 00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:49,332 No, no, that's not how you uphold the law!
- 00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:52,794 But he is not listening to my authority.
- 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:56,381 Oh, oh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend.
- 00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,216 You do it like this. - [grunts]
- 00:20:58,341 --> 00:20:59,926 You gotta get them in the head.
- 00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,469 They go down quicker.
- 00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,971 Oh.
- 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,514 I guess you should leave police work
- 00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:06,349 to the professionals, huh, Cartman?
- 00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,059 Well, anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties.
- 00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,727 I've proved that I can read,
- 00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,437 and now I'm back on the job.
- 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,481 [together] Hurray!
- 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,275 Hey, so what are you gonna do now?
- 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,277 Now? Well...
- 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:20,154 I, uh, I think I'll get in the bathtub
- 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,157 and then curl up with a good book.
- 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:28,371 ♪♪
- 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:34,502 [chicken clucking]
- 00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:50,560 <i>- And so today, South Park held a parade</i>
- 00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:52,520 <i>to honor Officer Barbrady</i>
- 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,690 <i>and his heroic work on the chicken [bleep] case.</i>
- 00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,487 Thank you, everybody, thank you!
- 00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,948 Speech, speech! - What?
- 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,908 They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady,
- 00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:07,493 about the whole experience over the last couple of days.
- 00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:08,703 Oh, okay.
- 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,371 Well, first of all
- 00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:11,956 I'd like to thank the town of South Park,
- 00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:13,708 the town that bore me
- 00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:16,711 and eventually will rob me of my life precious.
- 00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,921 Second, I'd like to say to all those out there
- 00:22:19,047 --> 00:22:20,506 who think they can screw chickens
- 00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:22,133 just to teach people to read,
- 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,468 your days are numbered!
- 00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:25,553 [cheers and applause]
- 00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,930 And finally I'd like to say
- 00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:30,725 that reading totally sucks ass.
- 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:32,685 [together] Hurray!
- 00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:34,937 Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read.
- 00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,231 It seemed exciting and magical,
- 00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,941 but then I read this,
- 00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,069 "Atlas Shrugged", by Ayn Rand.
- 00:22:41,194 --> 00:22:43,446 I read every last word of this garbage
- 00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,239 and because of this piece of shit
- 00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:46,991 I'm never reading again!
- 00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:49,660 [together] Hurray for Barbrady!
- 00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:51,871 Wow, I guess reading really does suck ass.
- 00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,374 Hey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.
- 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,792 I'm just glad everything turned out okay,
- 00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,210 and Barbrady got his job back.
- 00:22:57,335 --> 00:22:58,628 It's poetic justice.
- 00:22:58,753 --> 00:22:59,921 Thanks, boys.
- 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:07,053 ♪♪
- 00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:32,453 [chicken clucking]
Скриншоты
