Мамаша Картмана — грязная шлюха

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♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,

cha-cha-cha, hmm ♪

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♪ Hmm, hmm, la, do-do-do-do,

do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪

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♪ I like hugs,

and I like cake ♪

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♪ With a yum, yum, yum ♪

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♪ It's loving that I bake ♪

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♪ I'm your best friend

through and through ♪

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♪ Until the grim reaper

comes for you ♪

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Oh, hi, I'm Trey Parker.

- And I'm Matt--

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Matt Stone that is.

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Oh, you nut.

You just caught Matt and I

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doing what we love to do most--

entertaining senior citizens

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at a retirement home.

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Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, gang.

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Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, I said!

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Hi.

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God.

- This next episode

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of "South Park"

is called "Cartman's Mom

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Is a Dirty Slut,"

and it's our favorite episode.

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That's right, Matt.

It's what we call

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a cliff hanger, and cliff--

- Excuse me, excuse me.

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My chest hurts.

I need my medication.

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Oh, you mean this?

- Oh, yes, of course.

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Ah-ah-ah, do the dog dance.

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I don't wanna do

the dog dance.

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Dog dance.

- I want my medication.

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Dog dance, dog dance.

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Dog dance, dog dance.

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Bark, bark.

- Good.

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Good, anyway, this episode

is all about a little boy's

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search for his father.

- And a video tape

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that might embarrass

the heck out him.

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That's true.

- Bark, bark, can I have

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my medication now?

- Uh, beep like a Jeep.

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No.

- Yeah, beep like Jeep.

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Yeah, come on,

beep like a Jeep.

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Come on.

- Beep.

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That's it, that's it.

- Good boy.

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So now sit back, relax,

and enjoy

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"Matt's Mom Is a Dirty Slut."

- Cartman's mom!

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Oh, right, right, right.

- Beep, beep.

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♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor." ♪

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♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

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♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

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Dude, the bus will be here

any minute,

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and Cartman didn't

show up for school.

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Yeah, this is, like,

the third day in a row.

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I wonder what's wrong.

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Yeah.

- Hey, maybe we should

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ditch school

and go check on him.

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Come on, we're running late!

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We're not getting on,

you fat, ugly bitch.

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What did you say?

- I said, "We're not

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getting on,

you fat, ugly bitch."

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Oh, all right, then.

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Whoa, dude.

- I always wondered

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if that would work.

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Hello, boys.

- Hi, we were wondering

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why fat-ass, I mean,

Cartman hasn't been

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showing up for school.

- Oh, he's just been

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feeling under the weather.

Maybe you boys

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can cheer him up.

He's in the backyard.

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In the backyard?

- Would you like some more tea,

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Polly Prissy Pants?

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Yes, Eric, I would love

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some tea, thank you.

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You're very welcome,

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Polly Prissy Pants.

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Would you like some tea,

Clyde Frog?

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Yes, please, Eric.

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Why are you so cool?

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Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog.

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I just am.

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Yeah, you're strong

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and smart, Eric--

everybody likes you.

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Why, thank you,

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Polly Prissy Pants.

How nice of you.

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Dude, this is pretty

up right here.

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Come on, let's go

make fun of him.

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No, dude, this looks

really serious.

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I think we better get help.

- Really?

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Wow, Eric, you are the coolest

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guy in the world.

This is tremendous tea.

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Why, thank you, Peter Panda.

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It's a distinctive Earl Grey.

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Eric is the best.

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Hooray for Eric!

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Eric kicks ass.

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Mr. Mackey, something's

really wrong with Cartman.

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Oh, well,

there's a newsflash.

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No, no, we saw him having

a tea party

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with his stuffed animals.

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Yeah, he was doing

their voices and

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pouring tea for them.

- Oh, okay.

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Eric is obviously

suffering from some kind

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of emotional distress, M'kay?

- What do you mean?

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Have you boys noticed

anything recently

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that troubled Eric?

- No.

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Well, obviously, something is

bothering him, M'kay?

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Oh, of course, my video camera.

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Boys, if you could video tape

Eric's behavior,

00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,500

then I can study him

psychologically and find out

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what's wrong, M'kay?

- Is that legal?

00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,339

Oh, hell yes.

- My goodness, that's a lovely

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dress you are wearing,

Polly Prissy Pants.

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Oh, thank you, Eric.

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You are a perfect gentleman,

and you are smart and cool.

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Yes, Eric, you are strong

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and smart and cool--

everybody likes you very much.

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That's nice, Peter Panda.

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Dude, this is gonna be

the funniest tape ever made.

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How much do you think

Mr. Mackey needs?

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I don't know--

just keep rolling.

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More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?

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Yes, please, Eric.

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You are tough and handsome.

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Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin.

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And what do you think about me,

Clyde Frog?

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I think you're a big, fat

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piece of crap.

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Hey!

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No, kitty, this is

my corned beef cabbage.

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No, kitty,

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that's a bad kitty!

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How is your beefy roast,

00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,262

snookums?

00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,389

Mom, can I ask you

a question?

00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,099

Sure, hun.

00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,977

You know how my friend Stan

has, like, a dad?

00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:13,063

Uh-huh.

- And my friend Kyle has a dad,

00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,190

and my friend Kenny has a dad?

00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,026

Yes.

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Well, what's your question,

hun?

00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,120

God damn it, do I have a dad?

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Oh.

- I wanna know

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where I came from.

- Oh, hmm,

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well, you see, Eric,

sometimes when a man

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and a woman are attracted

to each other,

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they want to be close

to each other.

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Uh-huh.

- And sometimes, the man

00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:49,391

puts his hoo-hoo-dilly

in the woman's cha-cha.

00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,983

So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly

in your cha-cha?

00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:02,363

Eric, the day I met

your father, it was like magic.

00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:05,657

It was a beautiful autumn night

when the aspen trees

00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:10,079

were turning at the 12th Annual

Drunken Barn Dance.

00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:18,462

I was young and naive then.

00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,839

Wow, I've never seen

a woman drink that much.

00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,424

You're amazing, Ms. Cartman.

00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,511

Oh, heck, I haven't

even started yet.

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I baked cookies.

00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:30,265

Would anybody like one?

- I wouldn't mind

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getting ahold of your cookies,

Ms. Cartman.

00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:38,273

Well, go right ahead,

Officer Barbrady.

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Mm, that's a good cookie!

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Come on, everybody, let's do

the drunken barn dance!

00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:58,001

And then, I saw him.

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He was the most beautiful,

charming piece of ass

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I'd ever seen in South Park.

00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,969

His name was

Chief Running Water.

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♪ There you are ♪

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♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

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♪ I want you to make love

to me ♪

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I don't recall exactly how

the rest of the night went,

00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:27,448

but the next morning,

I was pregnant with you,

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my little blueberry muffin.

00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,953

So where's Chief Running Wa--

I mean, Dad, now?

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Oh, I never saw him

after that.

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I wasn't really

that interested in him.

00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,669

That isn't

a very romantic story, Mom.

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I heard he still lives

on the Ute reservation

00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,257

just outside of town.

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Wow, to think all this time

I'm actually a naive American.

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No, kitty,

00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,097

that's a bad kitty!

00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,060

Coming this Sunday,

a major television event

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that will blow you away.

00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,609

Terrance, Phillip

in the harrowing

00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,820

made for TV drama

"Not Without My Anus."

00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,447

Based on a true story.

00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,574

Hey, Phillip,

I have to Iraq and find

00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,409

my kidnapped daughter!

00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,744

Then I'm going to go

with you, Terrance.

00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,292

See Canada's hottest stars

in the HBC movie of the week.

00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,919

Wow, kickass, dude.

We have to remember

00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,462

to tape "Not Without My Anus"

next week.

00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,088

Yeah, dude,

it looks riveting.

00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,051

Come on, Grandpa, we wanna

watch Terrance and Phillip.

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,095

No, Billy, we're gonna watch

the Bob Saget show.

00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,974

And now back to "America's

Stupidest Home Videos."

00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,519

Here's your host, Bob Saget.

00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,020

Hey, I just flew in

to the studio.

00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:41,730

Boy, are my arms tired.

00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,859

Why didn't the skeleton

cross the road?

00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:46,902

'Cause he didn't have

the guts.

00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,239

Knock, knock.

00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,032

Bob.

00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:54,952

Bob Saget.

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This guy sucks.

00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,581

Yeah, he's almost as bad

00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874

as that guy on "Full House."

00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,960

Cartman?

00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:04,253

What the hell are doing

dressed up like an Indian

00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,171

with a bear necklace?

00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,465

Naive American, Stan,

and the bear is very important

00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,800

to my people.

- What?

00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,471

Hey, the white man has mocked

my people long enough.

00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,723

You keep your goddamn

mouth shut.

00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:18,809

Stan, I need to borrow

your bike to ride over

00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,686

to the reservation.

- What are you talking

00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:22,729

about, Cartman?

- Why name isn't Eric Cartman.

00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,815

It's Eric Running Water.

Now, can I borrow

00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,942

your bike, or do I have to kick

you in the nuts and steal it?

00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,278

Go ahead, dude.

00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,280

Man, Cartman's more screwed

up than I thought.

00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:32,406

Yeah, we better get

this video tape

00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,324

over to Mr. Mackey quick.

00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,201

Just a friendly reminder

to all of you out there.

00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,120

Send us your stupidest

home videos.

00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,290

The grand prize this month

will be for $10,000.

00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,792

$10,000?

Holy smokes.

00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,336

Wow, I wish we had

a stupidest home video.

00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,804

And Bear cried to Eagle--

- Running Water,

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,556

there is some kid here

to see you.

00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,766

What kid?

- He claims to be your kid.

00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,727

Hi, Dad.

- Who the hell are you?

00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,312

I'm your son, Eric.

00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,938

My mom says you put

your hoo-hoo-dilly

00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,065

in her cha-cha

at the drunken barn dance.

00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,192

Your mother?

- Liane Cartman.

00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:13,238

Cartman, oh, boy, I was

worried there for a second.

00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,198

Look, kid, I'm not your father.

00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,117

But my mom says you were

the guy she was with.

00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,077

Kid, I hate

to break this to you,

00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,872

but your mother is what

we Native Americans refer to as

00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,958

"bear with wide canyon."

- What do you mean?

00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,794

She is "doe who cannot keep

legs together."

00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,130

Huh?

- Your mom's a slut.

00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,090

Hey!

- Don't feel too bad.

00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,635

Your mom was just too drunk

to remember what happened.

00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,470

Let me tell you.

00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:41,141

We got tired of dancing,

so we went off to find

00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,893

a private spot.

00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,811

I knew that she wanted me

because she kept

00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,480

saying romantic things.

00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:49,900

Oh, Chief, I want

your hot man chowder.

00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:53,195

Whoa, hello.

00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,281

Wait, wait.

00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,325

Who is that?

00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:04,706

♪ There you are ♪

00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:08,877

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,380

Chief, could you excuse me

for a minute?

00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:14,216

Huh?

You gotta be kidding me.

00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,344

Why, hello there.

I don't think I've seen you

00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,555

around before.

- No, I'm new in town.

00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:25,811

Well, what's a nice handsome

black man like yourself

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:28,855

doing in a pit like South Park?

- I'm gonna open up

00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,526

my own restaurant here.

- My, how exciting!

00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:35,570

Would you care to put

your tongue in my mouth?

00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:38,907

Damn, baby, you cut

right to the chase, don't you?

00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,867

I'm plastered.

00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,496

His tongue?

Chef?

00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,707

Chef is my dad?

- He's the last person

00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:49,960

I saw with your mom that night.

- Oh, my God,

00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,713

I'm a black African American.

00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:57,718

Come on, Kenny,

00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,094

get the go-kart going.

I wanna ride it.

00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,679

Did you send

the video tape

00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,972

to "America's Stupidest

Home Videos?"

00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,849

Yeah, I mailed it last night.

00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:05,475

What sucks is that now,

I'll have to actually watch

00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,477

that Bob Saget guy

to find out if we won.

00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,062

If we win, we can buy a new

go-kart that actually runs.

00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,022

Shh, here comes Cartman.

00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,024

Sup, homies?

- Cartman?

00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:14,860

I was just down

in the SPC kicking it

00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,737

with some Gs on the west side.

00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,530

You live on the east side,

Cartman.

00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,574

Dude, I thought you said

you were Native American.

00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,535

Right,

00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,163

like I'm some hippie Indian.

00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:27,998

You know what I'm saying?

00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:30,333

Check it out, I'm gonna go

chill with my dad.

00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,546

Dude, we should be

videotaping this.

00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,465

We could make another $10,000.

00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,428

Hold on, Kenny!

00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,199

Oh, my God,

they've killed Kenny!

00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,658

You bastards!

00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,497

Hello?

- Yo, Pops.

00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,541

Boy, what the fudge

are you doing?

00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,794

You know, just laying down

some rhymes for the G-folk.

00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:15,128

You know what I'm saying?

00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:18,173

Get in here.

- West side.

00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,634

Take that wig off!

What's gotten into you?

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,427

You're my dad, Chef.

00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,679

Chief Running Water said you

got together with my mom

00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,473

at the drunken barn dance.

- What?

00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:29,851

No--did I?

- He said you kissed her

00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,814

with your tongue.

- Ooh, that's different.

00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:36,483

Women don't get pregnant

from tongue kissing, children.

00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:40,111

Huh, so you're not my dad?

- Of course not.

00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:43,532

Here, you children sit down,

and let me explain

00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,700

something to you about

where babies come from.

00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:49,079

Then you'll see

why I can't be your dad.

00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,707

♪ When a man loves a woman ♪

00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:56,169

♪ And a woman loves a man ♪

00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,630

Actually, sometimes the man

doesn't love the woman,

00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:02,425

but he acts like he does

in order to get some action.

00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:05,554

♪ The magic starts to happen ♪

00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,973

♪ And the two take

off their clothes ♪

00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:12,018

♪ That's right--and they caress

and touch each other ♪

00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,355

♪ Until a part

of the man grows ♪

00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,859

♪ Ooh, they roll around

and now things ♪

00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,778

♪ Really start to get hot ♪

00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,364

♪ And the man say,

"I love you" ♪

00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,408

♪ And the woman says,

"Hold on a second-- ♪

00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,451

♪ I gotta go to the bathroom" ♪

00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,746

♪ So you wait and you wait and

you wait and you wait ♪

00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:36,668

♪ And you wait and you wait

and you wait ♪

00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,753

♪ You wait and you're

cooling down ♪

00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:43,133

♪ And she's still going

to the bathroom ♪

00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,761

♪ Finally, she comes back,

and she says ♪

00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,389

♪ "Baby, I'm getting hot" ♪

00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:52,350

♪ And that's when you gotta

jump her butt ♪

00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,103

♪ And pump her full of-- ♪

- What?

00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,689

Who the hell did that to my mom

at the drunken barn dance?

00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,817

Oh, children, that was

a long time ago,

00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:03,528

but I'll tell you

what I remember.

00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:09,618

Oh, Chef, you're so strong.

00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,786

Hey, everybody,

look who's here!

00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,289

The AFC champion

Denver Broncos.

00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707

Are we late for the party?

00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,627

What the hell town is this?

00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:22,464

♪ There you are ♪

00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:26,259

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,802

♪ I want-- ♪

- Oh!

00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:31,806

Chef, oh, Chef!

- Damn, woman,

00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,016

what's gotten into you?

00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:36,478

Oh, whoopee!

Ah!

00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,105

Garrison, what the hell

are you doing?

00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:40,899

You're drunk, Mr. Hat.

00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:44,861

♪ There you are ♪

00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:47,697

Oh, man, I'm out of here.

00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:50,116

Come on, Chef,

haven't you ever heard

00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,453

of a manage au three?

- Yeah, when two women

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,498

are involved.

- Damn, damn, damn.

00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,083

Oh, well, I guess it'll

just have to be

00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,794

you and me, Ms. Cartman.

Oh!

00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,129

And that's who

she was with last.

00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,382

Mr. Garrison.

- No!

00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:09,260

No, no, God, no!

00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,264

And now back to "America's

Stupidest Home Videos."

00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:14,766

Here's a video

sent to us that shows

00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,977

a very disturbed little boy.

00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:20,146

Why, thank you, Polly Prissy

Pants, you are my best friend.

00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,815

I think you are one of the

00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,483

coolest people

in the world, Eric.

00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,402

And you are not fat at all.

00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:27,153

Really, you don't think so?

00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,863

No, you're not fat.

00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:29,864

Cool, that's cool.

00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,369

Oh, Stanley, we just heard

the news

00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,080

that your little friend Kenny

was killed by a train

00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,707

this morning.

- Huh?

00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,583

Oh, yeah.

- Is there anything

00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,211

we can do for you, son?

- How about some ice cream?

00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:47,298

Yeah, with butterscotch.

- You bet, you poor dears.

00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,092

Now the moment you've all

been waiting for--

00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,219

when one of our lucky

videos qualifies

00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,681

for the $10,000 grand prize

to be chosen tomorrow night.

00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:56,725

The winner is...

00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,601

"Little Boy's Tea Party."

- Whoo-hoo!

00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,395

Whoa, yes!

We're in the finals!

00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,731

We're gonna win $10,000.

- Man, Cartman's gonna

00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:03,898

be famous.

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,527

Well, I guess

we should go, Mr. Hat.

00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,655

Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan,

Mr. Garrison.

00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,491

Mr. Hat, you need to admit

you have a drinking problem.

00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,201

Another Cosmo please.

00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,874

All this time, why didn't you

tell me, Father?

00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:22,667

What the hell are you

talking about, Eric?

00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,211

It was you all along!

You were with my mother

00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,047

the night

of the drunken barn dance.

00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,465

Oh.

00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,300

Garrison?

That's impossible.

00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:32,427

He's gay.

- I am not gay!

00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,887

Then you did sleep

with my mom?

00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,638

No.

- He's gay!

00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,641

Okay, okay, I admit it,

I might've made love

00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,477

to your mother

at the drunken barn dance,

00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:43,021

but who here didn't?

- Oh.

00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,442

Now, come on, honestly.

Who here has never had sex

00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,943

with Mrs. Cartman?

00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,906

Ooh.

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,119

I haven't.

00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,246

You don't count, halfie.

You don't have any legs.

00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,165

Oh, yeah.

00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,793

So you see, Eric, anyone here

could be your father.

00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,711

I'm afraid you're never

going to know.

00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,424

Don't feel

too bad there, kid.

00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:14,302

I never knew who

my father was either.

00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,304

I mean, I did know

who he was, and, well,

00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,348

we had some great times

together,

00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,225

and hunting and fishing, well,

hell, you know what I mean.

00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,983

Wait, wait, I know

a way to find out.

00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,693

How?

- At my laboratory.

00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,570

We can do DNA genetic testing.

00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,572

I'll take some of your blood

along with the blood

00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,117

of everyone here, and we can

determine who your father is.

00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:38,827

Really?

You can?

00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,162

Yes, of course.

I mean, that much testing

00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,664

will cost a pretty penny,

but...

00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,833

How much?

- $3,000 should cover it.

00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,336

I don't have $3,000.

- Oh, never mind.

00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,134

Dude, I can't wait to win

that $10,000

00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,677

on "America's Stupidest

Home Videos."

00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,220

I'm gonna buy

the coolest go-kart ever.

00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,806

I'm gonna buy a Walkman

with my half.

00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,975

Hey, guys.

- How's it going, Cartman?

00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,895

Oh, fine.

How are you guys?

00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,605

Dude, what the hell

is wrong with you?

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:11,401

Oh, nothing.

It's just nothing.

00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,027

Come on, what's the matter,

Cartman?

00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,405

Well, I wanted to know

who my dad is, but,

00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,657

to find out, they have to do

these DNA tests,

00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:22,287

and they cost $3,000,

and I don't have $3,000.

00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,831

Wow, we're sorry

your mom's a whore, dude.

00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:27,417

Yeah, it sucks.

I have to know

00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,419

who my father is.

I just have to.

00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:32,630

Maybe I could work at

in sweatshop for a while.

00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,924

Well, see you guys.

I'm gonna go play

00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:38,344

in my backyard for a while.

- Uh, Cartman, we know

00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:40,513

how you can get $3,000.

- You do?

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,891

Yeah, we have a video tape

that's in the finals

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,393

for "America's Stupidest

Home Videos," and, if we win,

00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,354

we'll give you $3,000

of our $10,000 prize.

00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,524

You will?

Wow, you guys are the best.

00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,902

Thanks, you guys.

- Uh, yeah.

00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,030

And now back to "America's

Stupidest Home Videos."

00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,656

What kind of video

did you guys make?

00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,617

Uh, you'll see.

00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,620

Well, it's time to crown

the $10,000 winner.

00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,997

Our judges have narrowed

it down to only three videos.

00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:09,459

First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat

on Master's Head."

00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:12,128

Oh, I'm a little dog.

I'm just a little dog.

00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,089

Oh, but I've gotta put

a hat on my master's head.

00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:22,096

And now, our second finalist,

"Little Boy Has a Tea Party."

00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,766

Why, thank you,

Polly Prissy Pants.

00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,517

You are my best friend.

00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:27,852

Oh, thank you, Eric.

00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,315

Boy, looks like this kid

needs some therapy.

00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,108

We're sure to win, Cartman.

00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:39,614

Then you get your DNA money.

- I am so pissed off

00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,783

right now.

- They laughed hardest

00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,077

at our video--we're gonna win.

We're gonna win.

00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,787

And finally,

our third contestant,

00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,872

"Young Child Gets Hit

by a Train."

00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,874

Oh, I'm such

a cute little kid.

00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,752

Hmm, I wonder if I can get

this go-kart started.

00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,344

Oh, I hope I don't get hit

by a train.

00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,304

Oh, I sure did.

00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,058

Oh, my God, they videotaped

killing Kenny!

00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,518

You bastards!

00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,395

Now that's what I call

a joy ride.

00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,983

And the winner is, naturally,

"Little Boy Being Hit

00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,192

by a Train."

00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:19,904

Dude, we lost!

- Damn it!

00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:25,785

I am going to kill

you guys, seriously.

00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,704

Stand up and take a bow,

Mr. Marsh.

00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,248

I won, I won!

- Grandpa!

00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:31,833

Our other finalists

will have to settle

00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,751

for their $3,000

runner-up prizes.

00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,170

Well, see you next time.

00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:38,548

Did you hear that, dude?

We still get $3,000.

00:21:38,673 --> 00:21:40,675

That's enough for you

to do your DNA tests,

00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,303

Kill you guys.

00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,138

Kill you guys.

00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,060

All right,

from everyone's accounts,

00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:53,187

I've narrowed down

Eric's possible father

00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:55,106

to the people in this room.

00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:59,444

Officer Barbrady, Chef,

Jimbo, Mr. Garrison,

00:21:59,569 --> 00:22:02,822

Ned, Chief Running Water,

Gerald Broflovski,

00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:08,161

myself, my friend, Kevin,

or the 1989 Denver Broncos.

00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:10,204

Wow, I always knew Cartman's

mom was a slut,

00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,914

but goddamn!

- The test results

00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,459

are in the envelope.

Shall I open it?

00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,502

Yes, for God's sake,

get on with it!

00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:22,467

The father of Eric Cartman

is indeed someone in this room.

00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,260

The father is...

00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:26,512

Who is Eric

Cartman's father?

00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:30,016

Is it Chief Running Water,

or is it Chef?

00:22:30,141 --> 00:22:31,934

Is it Mephesto?

00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,062

Or that little monkey guy

that follows him around?

00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,521

Or is it Mr. Garrison?

00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,648

No, he's gay.

- You go to hell!

00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:39,275

You go to hell, and you die!

00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,985

- Is it Jimbo?

- Ah!

00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,612

Or is it

Officer Barbrady?

00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,364

Huh, where?

00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:46,324

- Or could it be Ned?

- Could be.

00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:48,159

Or Mr. Broflovski?

00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:49,952

Dad, how could you?

00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:53,081

Or is it the 1991

Denver Broncos?

00:22:53,206 --> 00:22:55,583

The answer is coming

on an all-new "South Park"

00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,251

in just four weeks.

00:22:57,377 --> 00:22:58,252

What?

00:22:58,378 --> 00:22:59,962

Son of a bitch.

00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:06,173

♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm,

cha-cha-cha, hmm ♪

00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:13,347

♪ Hmm, hmm, la, do-do-do-do,

do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪

00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,808

♪ I like hugs,

and I like cake ♪

00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,143

♪ With a yum, yum, yum ♪

00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:18,978

♪ It's loving that I bake ♪

00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:21,313

♪ I'm your best friend

through and through ♪

00:00:21,439 --> 00:00:25,651

♪ Until the grim reaper

comes for you ♪

00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,862

Oh, hi, I'm Trey Parker.

- And I'm Matt--

00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,488

Matt Stone that is.

[chuckles]

00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,532

Oh, you nut.

You just caught Matt and I

00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,743

doing what we love to do most--

entertaining senior citizens

00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,327

at a retirement home.

00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,371

Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, gang.

00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,040

Say hi to the "South Park"

fans, I said!

00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,416

all: Hi.

00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,043

God.

- This next episode

00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,753

of "South Park"

is called "Cartman's Mom

00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,963

Is a Dirty Slut,"

and it's our favorite episode.

00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,840

That's right, Matt.

It's what we call

00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:50,926

a cliff hanger, and cliff--

- Excuse me, excuse me.

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,429

My chest hurts.

I need my medication.

00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,014

Oh, you mean this?

- Oh, yes, of course.

00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:57,183

Ah-ah-ah, do the dog dance.

00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:58,726

I don't wanna do

the dog dance.

00:00:58,851 --> 00:00:59,935

Dog dance.

- I want my medication.

00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:01,062

both: Dog dance, dog dance.

00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:02,313

Dog dance, dog dance.

00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:04,273

Bark, bark.

- Good.

00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,442

Good, anyway, this episode

is all about a little boy's

00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,319

search for his father.

- And a video tape

00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:09,904

that might embarrass

the heck out him.

00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,572

That's true.

- Bark, bark, can I have

00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,741

my medication now?

- Uh, beep like a Jeep.

00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,076

No.

- Yeah, beep like Jeep.

00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:16,243

Yeah, come on,

beep like a Jeep.

00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,787

Come on.

- Beep.

00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,163

That's it, that's it.

- Good boy.

00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,831

So now sit back, relax,

and enjoy

00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,334

"Matt's Mom Is a Dirty Slut."

- Cartman's mom!

00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,753

Oh, right, right, right.

- Beep, beep.

00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:35,554

[twangy music]

00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,056

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:39,058

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,768

all: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:42,311

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,771

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,606

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,316

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,818

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,319

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,071

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:55,241

[singing indistinctly]

00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:56,742

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,536

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:02,915

Dude, the bus will be here

any minute,

00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,667

and Cartman didn't

show up for school.

00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,168

Yeah, this is, like,

the third day in a row.

00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,253

I wonder what's wrong.

00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:08,838

[muffled speech]

00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:10,256

[laughter]

00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:11,715

Yeah.

- Hey, maybe we should

00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,092

ditch school

and go check on him.

00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,385

[brakes hiss]

00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,387

Come on, we're running late!

00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:18,222

We're not getting on,

you fat, ugly bitch.

00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,599

What did you say?

- I said, "We're not

00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,601

getting on,

you fat, ugly bitch."

00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,395

Oh, all right, then.

00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,355

[engine revs]

00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,898

Whoa, dude.

- I always wondered

00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,900

if that would work.

00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,485

[doorbell dings]

00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,654

Hello, boys.

- Hi, we were wondering

00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,322

why fat-ass, I mean,

Cartman hasn't been

00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,199

showing up for school.

- Oh, he's just been

00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,618

feeling under the weather.

Maybe you boys

00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:42,121

can cheer him up.

He's in the backyard.

00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,499

In the backyard?

- Would you like some more tea,

00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,168

Polly Prissy Pants?

00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,752

[in Polly's voice]

Yes, Eric, I would love

00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:50,254

some tea, thank you.

00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,463

[normal voice]

You're very welcome,

00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:52,756

Polly Prissy Pants.

00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:54,216

♪♪

00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,510

Would you like some tea,

Clyde Frog?

00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,678

[in Clyde's voice]

Yes, please, Eric.

00:02:57,803 --> 00:02:59,388

Why are you so cool?

00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,140

[normal voice]

Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog.

00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,725

I just am.

00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,226

[in Polly's voice]

Yeah, you're strong

00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,478

and smart, Eric--

everybody likes you.

00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,938

[normal voice]

Why, thank you,

00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,524

Polly Prissy Pants.

How nice of you.

00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,318

Dude, this is pretty

[bleep] up right here.

00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:13,903

[muffled speech]

00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,487

Come on, let's go

make fun of him.

00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,281

No, dude, this looks

really serious.

00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:20,534

I think we better get help.

- Really?

00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,745

[in Peter Panda's voice]

Wow, Eric, you are the coolest

00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,623

guy in the world.

This is tremendous tea.

00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:27,291

[normal voice]

Why, thank you, Peter Panda.

00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,001

It's a distinctive Earl Grey.

00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,502

[in Polly's voice]

Eric is the best.

00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,046

[in Clyde's voice]

Hooray for Eric!

00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:34,632

[in Peter Panda's voice]

Eric kicks ass.

00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:37,051

Mr. Mackey, something's

really wrong with Cartman.

00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:39,511

Oh, well,

there's a newsflash.

00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,055

No, no, we saw him having

a tea party

00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,514

with his stuffed animals.

00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,016

Yeah, he was doing

their voices and

00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,809

pouring tea for them.

- Oh, okay.

00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,312

Eric is obviously

suffering from some kind

00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:51,941

of emotional distress, M'kay?

- What do you mean?

00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,984

Have you boys noticed

anything recently

00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,903

that troubled Eric?

- No.

00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:59,615

Well, obviously, something is

bothering him, M'kay?

00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:03,410

Oh, of course, my video camera.

00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,455

Boys, if you could video tape

Eric's behavior,

00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,500

then I can study him

psychologically and find out

00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:12,002

what's wrong, M'kay?

- Is that legal?

00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,339

Oh, hell yes.

- My goodness, that's a lovely

00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,383

dress you are wearing,

Polly Prissy Pants.

00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,343

[in Polly's voice]

Oh, thank you, Eric.

00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,763

You are a perfect gentleman,

and you are smart and cool.

00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,932

[in Peter Panda's voice]

Yes, Eric, you are strong

00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:28,269

and smart and cool--

everybody likes you very much.

00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:30,354

[in normal voice]

That's nice, Peter Panda.

00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,564

Dude, this is gonna be

the funniest tape ever made.

00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,108

How much do you think

Mr. Mackey needs?

00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:35,567

I don't know--

just keep rolling.

00:04:35,693 --> 00:04:37,444

More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?

00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:38,862

[in Rumper's voice]

Yes, please, Eric.

00:04:38,988 --> 00:04:40,864

You are tough and handsome.

00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:42,658

[in normal voice]

Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin.

00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,952

And what do you think about me,

Clyde Frog?

00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,161

[in Clyde's voice]

I think you're a big, fat

00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:47,288

piece of crap.

00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:49,623

[in normal voice]

Hey!

00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:52,376

♪♪

00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,546

[meows]

00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,131

No, kitty, this is

my corned beef cabbage.

00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,590

[meows]

- No, kitty,

00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,134

that's a bad kitty!

00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:01,802

[hisses]

- How is your beefy roast,

00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,262

snookums?

00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,389

Mom, can I ask you

a question?

00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,099

Sure, hun.

00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,977

You know how my friend Stan

has, like, a dad?

00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:13,063

Uh-huh.

- And my friend Kyle has a dad,

00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,190

and my friend Kenny has a dad?

00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,026

Yes.

00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,951

Well, what's your question,

hun?

00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,120

God damn it, do I have a dad?

00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,997

Oh.

- I wanna know

00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:33,083

where I came from.

- Oh, hmm,

00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:36,587

well, you see, Eric,

sometimes when a man

00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,465

and a woman are attracted

to each other,

00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,301

they want to be close

to each other.

00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:45,596

Uh-huh.

- And sometimes, the man

00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:49,391

puts his hoo-hoo-dilly

in the woman's cha-cha.

00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,983

So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly

in your cha-cha?

00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:02,363

Eric, the day I met

your father, it was like magic.

00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:05,657

It was a beautiful autumn night

when the aspen trees

00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:10,079

were turning at the 12th Annual

Drunken Barn Dance.

00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,289

[twangy music]

00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:13,499

[glass shattering]

00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,834

[overlapping chatter]

00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:18,462

I was young and naive then.

00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,839

Wow, I've never seen

a woman drink that much.

00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,424

You're amazing, Ms. Cartman.

00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,511

Oh, heck, I haven't

even started yet.

00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,679

[laughs]

I baked cookies.

00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:30,265

Would anybody like one?

- I wouldn't mind

00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,768

getting ahold of your cookies,

Ms. Cartman.

00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:38,273

Well, go right ahead,

Officer Barbrady.

00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,567

Mm, that's a good cookie!

00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,861

[folk music]

00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,532

Come on, everybody, let's do

the drunken barn dance!

00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:50,202

[exclaiming]

00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:55,124

♪♪

00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:58,001

And then, I saw him.

00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:01,004

He was the most beautiful,

charming piece of ass

00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:03,549

I'd ever seen in South Park.

00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,969

His name was

Chief Running Water.

00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:10,597

♪ There you are ♪

00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:14,560

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:21,233

♪ I want you to make love

to me ♪

00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:24,319

I don't recall exactly how

the rest of the night went,

00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:27,448

but the next morning,

I was pregnant with you,

00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:30,075

my little blueberry muffin.

00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,953

So where's Chief Running Wa--

I mean, Dad, now?

00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,621

Oh, I never saw him

after that.

00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:37,291

I wasn't really

that interested in him.

00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,669

That isn't

a very romantic story, Mom.

00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,213

I heard he still lives

on the Ute reservation

00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,257

just outside of town.

00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,969

Wow, to think all this time

I'm actually a naive American.

00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,471

[meows]

- No, kitty,

00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,097

that's a bad kitty!

00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,183

[twangy music]

00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,060

Coming this Sunday,

a major television event

00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:59,855

that will blow you away.

00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,609

Terrance, Phillip

in the harrowing

00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,820

made for TV drama

"Not Without My Anus."

00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,447

Based on a true story.

00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,574

Hey, Phillip,

I have to Iraq and find

00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,409

my kidnapped daughter!

00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,744

Then I'm going to go

with you, Terrance.

00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:14,786

[flatulence]

00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:16,955

[laughter]

00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,292

See Canada's hottest stars

in the HBC movie of the week.

00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,919

Wow, kickass, dude.

We have to remember

00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,462

to tape "Not Without My Anus"

next week.

00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,088

Yeah, dude,

it looks riveting.

00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,049

[click]

00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,051

Come on, Grandpa, we wanna

watch Terrance and Phillip.

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,095

No, Billy, we're gonna watch

the Bob Saget show.

00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,056

all: [groan]

00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,974

And now back to "America's

Stupidest Home Videos."

00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,519

Here's your host, Bob Saget.

00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,020

Hey, I just flew in

to the studio.

00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:41,730

Boy, are my arms tired.

[chuckles]

00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,732

[chuckles]

00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,859

Why didn't the skeleton

cross the road?

00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:46,902

'Cause he didn't have

the guts.

00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,403

[chuckles]

00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,239

Knock, knock.

00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,032

Bob.

00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:54,952

Bob Saget.

[chuckling]

00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,328

[laughter]

00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,121

[laughs]

- This guy sucks.

00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,581

[doorbell dings]

- Yeah, he's almost as bad

00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874

as that guy on "Full House."

00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,960

[laughs]

- Cartman?

00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:04,253

What the hell are doing

dressed up like an Indian

00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,171

with a bear necklace?

00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,465

Naive American, Stan,

and the bear is very important

00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,800

to my people.

- What?

00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,718

[laughter]

00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,471

Hey, the white man has mocked

my people long enough.

00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,723

You keep your goddamn

mouth shut.

00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:18,809

Stan, I need to borrow

your bike to ride over

00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,686

to the reservation.

- What are you talking

00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:22,729

about, Cartman?

- Why name isn't Eric Cartman.

00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,815

It's Eric Running Water.

Now, can I borrow

00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,942

your bike, or do I have to kick

you in the nuts and steal it?

00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,278

Go ahead, dude.

00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,280

Man, Cartman's more screwed

up than I thought.

00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:32,406

Yeah, we better get

this video tape

00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,324

over to Mr. Mackey quick.

00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,201

Just a friendly reminder

to all of you out there.

00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,120

Send us your stupidest

home videos.

00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,290

The grand prize this month

will be for $10,000.

00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,792

$10,000?

Holy smokes.

00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,336

Wow, I wish we had

a stupidest home video.

00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,172

all: [gasp]

00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:53,385

♪♪

00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,804

And Bear cried to Eagle--

- Running Water,

00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,556

there is some kid here

to see you.

00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,766

What kid?

- He claims to be your kid.

00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,727

Hi, Dad.

- Who the hell are you?

00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,312

I'm your son, Eric.

00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,938

My mom says you put

your hoo-hoo-dilly

00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,065

in her cha-cha

at the drunken barn dance.

00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,192

Your mother?

- Liane Cartman.

00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:13,238

Cartman, oh, boy, I was

worried there for a second.

00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,198

Look, kid, I'm not your father.

00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,117

But my mom says you were

the guy she was with.

00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,077

Kid, I hate

to break this to you,

00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,872

but your mother is what

we Native Americans refer to as

00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,958

"bear with wide canyon."

- What do you mean?

00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,794

She is "doe who cannot keep

legs together."

00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,130

Huh?

- Your mom's a slut.

00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,090

Hey!

- Don't feel too bad.

00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,635

Your mom was just too drunk

to remember what happened.

00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,470

Let me tell you.

00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,597

♪♪

00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:41,141

We got tired of dancing,

so we went off to find

00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,893

a private spot.

00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,811

I knew that she wanted me

because she kept

00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,480

saying romantic things.

00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:49,900

Oh, Chief, I want

your hot man chowder.

00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:53,195

Whoa, hello.

00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,281

[vomits]

Wait, wait.

00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,325

Who is that?

00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,994

♪♪

00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:04,706

♪ There you are ♪

00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:08,877

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,380

Chief, could you excuse me

for a minute?

00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:14,216

Huh?

You gotta be kidding me.

00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,344

Why, hello there.

I don't think I've seen you

00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,555

around before.

- No, I'm new in town.

00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:25,811

Well, what's a nice handsome

black man like yourself

00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:28,855

doing in a pit like South Park?

- I'm gonna open up

00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,526

my own restaurant here.

- My, how exciting!

00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:35,570

Would you care to put

your tongue in my mouth?

00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:38,907

Damn, baby, you cut

right to the chase, don't you?

00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,867

I'm plastered.

00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,703

♪♪

00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,496

His tongue?

Chef?

00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,707

Chef is my dad?

- He's the last person

00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:49,960

I saw with your mom that night.

- Oh, my God,

00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,713

I'm a black African American.

00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:57,718

[grunting]

- Come on, Kenny,

00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,094

get the go-kart going.

I wanna ride it.

00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,679

Did you send

the video tape

00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,972

to "America's Stupidest

Home Videos?"

00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,849

Yeah, I mailed it last night.

00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:05,475

What sucks is that now,

I'll have to actually watch

00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,477

that Bob Saget guy

to find out if we won.

00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,062

If we win, we can buy a new

go-kart that actually runs.

00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,022

Shh, here comes Cartman.

00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,024

Sup, homies?

- Cartman?

00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:14,860

I was just down

in the SPC kicking it

00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,737

with some Gs on the west side.

00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,530

You live on the east side,

Cartman.

00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,574

Dude, I thought you said

you were Native American.

00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,535

[laughs]

Right,

00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,163

like I'm some hippie Indian.

00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:27,998

You know what I'm saying?

00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:30,333

Check it out, I'm gonna go

chill with my dad.

00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,669

♪♪

00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,546

Dude, we should be

videotaping this.

00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,465

We could make another $10,000.

00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:37,758

[engine hums]

00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:40,218

[incoherent screaming]

00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,428

both: Hold on, Kenny!

00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:45,348

[muffled screaming]

00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:48,226

♪♪

00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:51,730

[muffled screaming]

00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,023

[groans]

00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,526

[muffled speech]

00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,403

[muffled speech]

00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,946

[train whistle whines]

00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,199

Oh, my God,

they've killed Kenny!

00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,658

You bastards!

00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:04,910

♪♪

00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,536

[knocking]

00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,497

Hello?

- Yo, Pops.

00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,541

Boy, what the fudge

are you doing?

00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,794

You know, just laying down

some rhymes for the G-folk.

00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:15,128

You know what I'm saying?

00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:18,173

Get in here.

- West side.

00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,634

Take that wig off!

What's gotten into you?

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,427

You're my dad, Chef.

00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,679

Chief Running Water said you

got together with my mom

00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,473

at the drunken barn dance.

- What?

00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:29,851

No--did I?

- He said you kissed her

00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,814

with your tongue.

- Ooh, that's different.

00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:36,483

Women don't get pregnant

from tongue kissing, children.

00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:40,111

Huh, so you're not my dad?

- Of course not.

00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:43,532

Here, you children sit down,

and let me explain

00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,700

something to you about

where babies come from.

00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:49,079

Then you'll see

why I can't be your dad.

00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,707

♪ When a man loves a woman ♪

00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:56,169

♪ And a woman loves a man ♪

00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,630

Actually, sometimes the man

doesn't love the woman,

00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:02,425

but he acts like he does

in order to get some action.

00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:05,554

♪ The magic starts to happen ♪

00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,973

♪ And the two take

off their clothes ♪

00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:12,018

♪ That's right--and they caress

and touch each other ♪

00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,355

♪ Until a part

of the man grows ♪

00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,859

♪ Ooh, they roll around

and now things ♪

00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,778

♪ Really start to get hot ♪

00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,364

♪ And the man say,

"I love you" ♪

00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,408

♪ And the woman says,

"Hold on a second-- ♪

00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,451

♪ I gotta go to the bathroom" ♪

00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,746

♪ So you wait and you wait and

you wait and you wait ♪

00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:36,668

♪ And you wait and you wait

and you wait ♪

00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,753

♪ You wait and you're

cooling down ♪

00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:43,133

♪ And she's still going

to the bathroom ♪

00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,761

♪ Finally, she comes back,

and she says ♪

00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,389

♪ "Baby, I'm getting hot" ♪

00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:52,350

♪ And that's when you gotta

jump her butt ♪

00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,103

♪ And pump her full of-- ♪

- What?

00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,689

Who the hell did that to my mom

at the drunken barn dance?

00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,817

Oh, children, that was

a long time ago,

00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:03,528

but I'll tell you

what I remember.

00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:06,656

♪♪

00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:09,618

Oh, Chef, you're so strong.

00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,786

Hey, everybody,

look who's here!

00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,289

The AFC champion

Denver Broncos.

00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707

Are we late for the party?

00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,627

What the hell town is this?

00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:22,464

♪ There you are ♪

00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:26,259

♪ Like a throbbing star ♪

00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,802

♪ I want-- ♪

- Oh!

00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:31,806

Chef, oh, Chef!

- Damn, woman,

00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,016

what's gotten into you?

00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:36,478

Oh, whoopee!

Ah!

00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,105

Garrison, what the hell

are you doing?

00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:40,899

You're drunk, Mr. Hat.

00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:44,861

♪ There you are ♪

00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:47,697

Oh, man, I'm out of here.

00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:50,116

Come on, Chef,

haven't you ever heard

00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,453

of a manage au three?

- Yeah, when two women

00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,498

are involved.

- Damn, damn, damn.

00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,083

Oh, well, I guess it'll

just have to be

00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,794

you and me, Ms. Cartman.

Oh!

00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,129

And that's who

she was with last.

00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,382

Mr. Garrison.

- No!

00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:09,260

No, no, God, no!

00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,264

And now back to "America's

Stupidest Home Videos."

00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:14,766

Here's a video

sent to us that shows

00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,977

a very disturbed little boy.

00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:20,146

Why, thank you, Polly Prissy

Pants, you are my best friend.

00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,815

[in Polly's voice]

I think you are one of the

00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,483

coolest people

in the world, Eric.

00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,402

And you are not fat at all.

00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:27,153

[in normal voice]

Really, you don't think so?

00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,863

[in Clyde's voice]

No, you're not fat.

00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:29,864

[in normal voice]

Cool, that's cool.

00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,700

[laughter]

00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,369

Oh, Stanley, we just heard

the news

00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,080

that your little friend Kenny

was killed by a train

00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,707

this morning.

- Huh?

00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,583

Oh, yeah.

- Is there anything

00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,211

we can do for you, son?

- How about some ice cream?

00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:47,298

Yeah, with butterscotch.

- You bet, you poor dears.

00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,092

Now the moment you've all

been waiting for--

00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,219

when one of our lucky

videos qualifies

00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,681

for the $10,000 grand prize

to be chosen tomorrow night.

00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:56,725

The winner is...

[drum roll]

00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,601

"Little Boy's Tea Party."

- Whoo-hoo!

00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,395

Whoa, yes!

We're in the finals!

00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,731

We're gonna win $10,000.

- Man, Cartman's gonna

00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:03,898

be famous.

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,527

Well, I guess

we should go, Mr. Hat.

00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,655

Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan,

Mr. Garrison.

00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,491

Mr. Hat, you need to admit

you have a drinking problem.

00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,201

Another Cosmo please.

00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:17,495

♪♪

00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,874

All this time, why didn't you

tell me, Father?

00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:22,667

What the hell are you

talking about, Eric?

00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,211

It was you all along!

You were with my mother

00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,047

the night

of the drunken barn dance.

00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,465

[gasps]

Oh.

00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,300

Garrison?

That's impossible.

00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:32,427

He's gay.

- I am not gay!

00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,887

Then you did sleep

with my mom?

00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,638

No.

- He's gay!

00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,641

Okay, okay, I admit it,

I might've made love

00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,477

to your mother

at the drunken barn dance,

00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:43,021

but who here didn't?

- Oh.

00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,442

Now, come on, honestly.

Who here has never had sex

00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,943

with Mrs. Cartman?

00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,906

Ooh.

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,119

I haven't.

00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,246

You don't count, halfie.

You don't have any legs.

00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,165

Oh, yeah.

00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,793

So you see, Eric, anyone here

could be your father.

00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,711

I'm afraid you're never

going to know.

00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,589

♪♪

00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,424

Don't feel

too bad there, kid.

00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:14,302

I never knew who

my father was either.

00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,304

I mean, I did know

who he was, and, well,

00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,348

we had some great times

together,

00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,225

and hunting and fishing, well,

hell, you know what I mean.

00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:26,189

♪♪

00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,983

Wait, wait, I know

a way to find out.

00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,693

How?

- At my laboratory.

00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,570

We can do DNA genetic testing.

00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,572

I'll take some of your blood

along with the blood

00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,117

of everyone here, and we can

determine who your father is.

00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:38,827

Really?

You can?

00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,162

Yes, of course.

I mean, that much testing

00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,664

will cost a pretty penny,

but...

00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,833

How much?

- $3,000 should cover it.

00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,336

I don't have $3,000.

- Oh, never mind.

00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,134

Dude, I can't wait to win

that $10,000

00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,677

on "America's Stupidest

Home Videos."

00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,220

I'm gonna buy

the coolest go-kart ever.

00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,806

I'm gonna buy a Walkman

with my half.

00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,975

Hey, guys.

- How's it going, Cartman?

00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,895

Oh, fine.

How are you guys?

00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,605

Dude, what the hell

is wrong with you?

00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:11,401

Oh, nothing.

It's just nothing.

00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,027

Come on, what's the matter,

Cartman?

00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,405

Well, I wanted to know

who my dad is, but,

00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,657

to find out, they have to do

these DNA tests,

00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:22,287

and they cost $3,000,

and I don't have $3,000.

00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,831

Wow, we're sorry

your mom's a whore, dude.

00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:27,417

Yeah, it sucks.

I have to know

00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,419

who my father is.

I just have to.

00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:32,630

Maybe I could work at

in sweatshop for a while.

00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,924

Well, see you guys.

I'm gonna go play

00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:38,344

in my backyard for a while.

- Uh, Cartman, we know

00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:40,513

how you can get $3,000.

- You do?

00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,891

Yeah, we have a video tape

that's in the finals

00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,393

for "America's Stupidest

Home Videos," and, if we win,

00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,354

we'll give you $3,000

of our $10,000 prize.

00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,524

You will?

Wow, you guys are the best.

00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,902

Thanks, you guys.

- Uh, yeah.

00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,030

And now back to "America's

Stupidest Home Videos."

00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,656

What kind of video

did you guys make?

00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,617

Uh, you'll see.

00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,620

Well, it's time to crown

the $10,000 winner.

00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,997

Our judges have narrowed

it down to only three videos.

00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:09,459

First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat

on Master's Head."

00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:12,128

Oh, I'm a little dog.

I'm just a little dog.

00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,089

Oh, but I've gotta put

a hat on my master's head.

00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,257

[laughs]

00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,010

[laughter]

00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:22,096

And now, our second finalist,

"Little Boy Has a Tea Party."

00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,766

Why, thank you,

Polly Prissy Pants.

00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,517

You are my best friend.

00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:27,852

[in Polly's voice]

Oh, thank you, Eric.

00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:29,604

[laughter]

00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,315

Boy, looks like this kid

needs some therapy.

00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,108

We're sure to win, Cartman.

00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:39,614

Then you get your DNA money.

- I am so pissed off

00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,783

right now.

- They laughed hardest

00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,077

at our video--we're gonna win.

We're gonna win.

00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,787

And finally,

our third contestant,

00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,872

"Young Child Gets Hit

by a Train."

00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,874

Oh, I'm such

a cute little kid.

00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,752

Hmm, I wonder if I can get

this go-kart started.

00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,421

[engine spluttering]

00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:59,092

[vrooming]

00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,344

Oh, I hope I don't get hit

by a train.

00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,304

Oh, I sure did.

00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,014

[laughter]

00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,058

Oh, my God, they videotaped

killing Kenny!

00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,518

You bastards!

00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,395

Now that's what I call

a joy ride.

00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,272

[laughter]

00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,983

And the winner is, naturally,

"Little Boy Being Hit

00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,192

by a Train."

00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:17,902

[laughter]

00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:19,904

Dude, we lost!

- Damn it!

00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:25,785

I am going to [bleep] kill

you guys, seriously.

00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,704

Stand up and take a bow,

Mr. Marsh.

00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,248

I won, I won!

- Grandpa!

00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:31,833

Our other finalists

will have to settle

00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,751

for their $3,000

runner-up prizes.

00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,170

Well, see you next time.

00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:38,548

Did you hear that, dude?

We still get $3,000.

00:21:38,673 --> 00:21:40,675

That's enough for you

to do your DNA tests,

00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,303

Kill you guys.

00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,138

Kill you guys.

00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,183

[thunder crashes]

00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,060

All right,

from everyone's accounts,

00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:53,187

I've narrowed down

Eric's possible father

00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:55,106

to the people in this room.

00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:59,444

Officer Barbrady, Chef,

Jimbo, Mr. Garrison,

00:21:59,569 --> 00:22:02,822

Ned, Chief Running Water,

Gerald Broflovski,

00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:08,161

myself, my friend, Kevin,

or the 1989 Denver Broncos.

00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:10,204

Wow, I always knew Cartman's

mom was a slut,

00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,914

but goddamn!

- The test results

00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,459

are in the envelope.

Shall I open it?

00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,502

Yes, for God's sake,

get on with it!

00:22:16,627 --> 00:22:19,047

[mumbling]

[gasps]

00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:22,467

The father of Eric Cartman

is indeed someone in this room.

00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,260

The father is...

00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:26,512

narrator: Who is Eric

Cartman's father?

00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:30,016

Is it Chief Running Water,

or is it Chef?

00:22:30,141 --> 00:22:31,934

Is it Mephesto?

00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,062

Or that little monkey guy

that follows him around?

00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,521

Or is it Mr. Garrison?

00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,648

No, he's gay.

- You go to hell!

00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:39,275

You go to hell, and you die!

00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,985

narrator: Is it Jimbo?

- Ah!

00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,612

narrator: Or is it

Officer Barbrady?

00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,364

Huh, where?

00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:46,324

narrator: Or could it be Ned?

- Could be.

00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:48,159

narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?

00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:49,952

Dad, how could you?

00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:53,081

narrator: Or is it the 1991

Denver Broncos?

00:22:53,206 --> 00:22:55,583

The answer is coming

on an all-new "South Park"

00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,251

in just four weeks.

00:22:57,377 --> 00:22:58,252

What?

00:22:58,378 --> 00:22:59,962

Son of a bitch.

00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:02,965

[twangy music]

00:23:03,091 --> 00:23:10,098

♪♪