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Мамаша Картмана — грязная шлюха
Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Сезон: 01Серия: 13
Описание
Картман пытается выяснить, кто его отец, а Стэн и Кайл невольно помогают ему оплатить генетическую экспертизу.
Субтитры
- 00:00:01,711 --> 00:00:03,504 <i>♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪</i>
- 00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:06,173 <i>♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, cha-cha-cha, hmm ♪</i>
- 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:13,347 ♪ Hmm, hmm, la, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
- 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,808 ♪ I like hugs, and I like cake ♪
- 00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,143 ♪ With a yum, yum, yum ♪
- 00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:18,978 ♪ It's loving that I bake ♪
- 00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:21,313 ♪ I'm your best friend through and through ♪
- 00:00:21,439 --> 00:00:25,651 ♪ Until the grim reaper comes for you ♪
- 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,862 Oh, hi, I'm Trey Parker. - And I'm Matt--
- 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,488 Matt Stone that is.
- 00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,532 Oh, you nut. You just caught Matt and I
- 00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,743 doing what we love to do most-- entertaining senior citizens
- 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,327 at a retirement home.
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,371 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang.
- 00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,040 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said!
- 00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,416 Hi.
- 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,043 God. - This next episode
- 00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,753 of "South Park" is called "Cartman's Mom
- 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,963 Is a Dirty Slut," and it's our favorite episode.
- 00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,840 That's right, Matt. It's what we call
- 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:50,926 a cliff hanger, and cliff-- - Excuse me, excuse me.
- 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,429 My chest hurts. I need my medication.
- 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,014 Oh, you mean this? - Oh, yes, of course.
- 00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:57,183 Ah-ah-ah, do the dog dance.
- 00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:58,726 I don't wanna do the dog dance.
- 00:00:58,851 --> 00:00:59,935 Dog dance. - I want my medication.
- 00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:01,062 Dog dance, dog dance.
- 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:02,313 Dog dance, dog dance.
- 00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:04,273 Bark, bark. - Good.
- 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,442 Good, anyway, this episode is all about a little boy's
- 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,319 search for his father. - And a video tape
- 00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:09,904 that might embarrass the heck out him.
- 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,572 That's true. - Bark, bark, can I have
- 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,741 my medication now? - Uh, beep like a Jeep.
- 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,076 No. - Yeah, beep like Jeep.
- 00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:16,243 Yeah, come on, beep like a Jeep.
- 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,787 Come on. - Beep.
- 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,163 That's it, that's it. - Good boy.
- 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,831 So now sit back, relax, and enjoy
- 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,334 "Matt's Mom Is a Dirty Slut." - Cartman's mom!
- 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,753 Oh, right, right, right. - Beep, beep.
- 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,056 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:39,058 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,768 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:42,311 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,771 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,606 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,316 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,818 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." ♪
- 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,319 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,071 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:56,742 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,536 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:02,915 Dude, the bus will be here any minute,
- 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,667 and Cartman didn't show up for school.
- 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,168 Yeah, this is, like, the third day in a row.
- 00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,253 I wonder what's wrong.
- 00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:11,715 Yeah. - Hey, maybe we should
- 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,092 ditch school and go check on him.
- 00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,387 Come on, we're running late!
- 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:18,222 We're not getting on, you fat, ugly bitch.
- 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,599 What did you say? - I said, "We're not
- 00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,601 getting on, you fat, ugly bitch."
- 00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,395 Oh, all right, then.
- 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,898 Whoa, dude. - I always wondered
- 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,900 if that would work.
- 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,654 Hello, boys. - Hi, we were wondering
- 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,322 why fat-ass, I mean, Cartman hasn't been
- 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,199 showing up for school. - Oh, he's just been
- 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,618 feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys
- 00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:42,121 can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.
- 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,499 In the backyard? - Would you like some more tea,
- 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,168 Polly Prissy Pants?
- 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,752 Yes, Eric, I would love
- 00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:50,254 some tea, thank you.
- 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,463 You're very welcome,
- 00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:52,756 Polly Prissy Pants.
- 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,510 Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?
- 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,678 Yes, please, Eric.
- 00:02:57,803 --> 00:02:59,388 Why are you so cool?
- 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,140 Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog.
- 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,725 I just am.
- 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,226 Yeah, you're strong
- 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,478 and smart, Eric-- everybody likes you.
- 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,938 Why, thank you,
- 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,524 Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you.
- 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,318 Dude, this is pretty up right here.
- 00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,487 Come on, let's go make fun of him.
- 00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,281 No, dude, this looks really serious.
- 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:20,534 I think we better get help. - Really?
- 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,745 Wow, Eric, you are the coolest
- 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,623 guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
- 00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:27,291 Why, thank you, Peter Panda.
- 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,001 It's a distinctive Earl Grey.
- 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,502 Eric is the best.
- 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,046 Hooray for Eric!
- 00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:34,632 Eric kicks ass.
- 00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:37,051 Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.
- 00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:39,511 Oh, well, there's a newsflash.
- 00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,055 No, no, we saw him having a tea party
- 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,514 with his stuffed animals.
- 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,016 Yeah, he was doing their voices and
- 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,809 pouring tea for them. - Oh, okay.
- 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,312 Eric is obviously suffering from some kind
- 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:51,941 of emotional distress, M'kay? - What do you mean?
- 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,984 Have you boys noticed anything recently
- 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,903 that troubled Eric? - No.
- 00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:59,615 Well, obviously, something is bothering him, M'kay?
- 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:03,410 Oh, of course, my video camera.
- 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,455 Boys, if you could video tape Eric's behavior,
- 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,500 then I can study him psychologically and find out
- 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:12,002 what's wrong, M'kay? - Is that legal?
- 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,339 Oh, hell yes. - My goodness, that's a lovely
- 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,383 dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.
- 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,343 Oh, thank you, Eric.
- 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,763 You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and cool.
- 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,932 Yes, Eric, you are strong
- 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:28,269 and smart and cool-- everybody likes you very much.
- 00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:30,354 That's nice, Peter Panda.
- 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,564 Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made.
- 00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,108 How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
- 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:35,567 I don't know-- just keep rolling.
- 00:04:35,693 --> 00:04:37,444 More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?
- 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:38,862 Yes, please, Eric.
- 00:04:38,988 --> 00:04:40,864 You are tough and handsome.
- 00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:42,658 Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin.
- 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,952 And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
- 00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,161 I think you're a big, fat
- 00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:47,288 piece of crap.
- 00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:49,623 Hey!
- 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,131 No, kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage.
- 00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,590 No, kitty,
- 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,134 that's a bad kitty!
- 00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:01,802 How is your beefy roast,
- 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,262 snookums?
- 00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,389 Mom, can I ask you a question?
- 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,099 Sure, hun.
- 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,977 You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
- 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:13,063 Uh-huh. - And my friend Kyle has a dad,
- 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,190 and my friend Kenny has a dad?
- 00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,026 Yes.
- 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,951 Well, what's your question, hun?
- 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,120 God damn it, do I have a dad?
- 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,997 Oh. - I wanna know
- 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:33,083 where I came from. - Oh, hmm,
- 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:36,587 well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man
- 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,465 and a woman are attracted to each other,
- 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,301 they want to be close to each other.
- 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:45,596 Uh-huh. - And sometimes, the man
- 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:49,391 puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
- 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,983 So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?
- 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:02,363 Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic.
- 00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:05,657 It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees
- 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:10,079 were turning at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.
- 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:18,462 <i>I was young and naive then.</i>
- 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,839 Wow, I've never seen a woman drink that much.
- 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,424 You're amazing, Ms. Cartman.
- 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,511 Oh, heck, I haven't even started yet.
- 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,679 I baked cookies.
- 00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:30,265 Would anybody like one? - I wouldn't mind
- 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,768 getting ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman.
- 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:38,273 Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,567 Mm, that's a good cookie!
- 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,532 Come on, everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance!
- 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:58,001 <i>And then, I saw him.</i>
- 00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:01,004 <i>He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass</i>
- 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:03,549 <i>I'd ever seen in South Park.</i>
- 00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,969 <i>His name was Chief Running Water.</i>
- 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:10,597 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:14,560 <i>♪ Like a throbbing star ♪</i>
- 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:21,233 <i>♪ I want you to make love to me ♪</i>
- 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:24,319 I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went,
- 00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:27,448 but the next morning, I was pregnant with you,
- 00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:30,075 my little blueberry muffin.
- 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,953 So where's Chief Running Wa-- I mean, Dad, now?
- 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,621 Oh, I never saw him after that.
- 00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:37,291 I wasn't really that interested in him.
- 00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,669 That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
- 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,213 I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation
- 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,257 just outside of town.
- 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,969 Wow, to think all this time I'm actually a naive American.
- 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,471 No, kitty,
- 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,097 that's a bad kitty!
- 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,060 <i>Coming this Sunday, a major television event</i>
- 00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:59,855 <i>that will blow you away.</i>
- 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,609 <i>Terrance, Phillip in the harrowing</i>
- 00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,820 <i>made for TV drama "Not Without My Anus."</i>
- 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,447 <i>Based on a true story.</i>
- 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,574 <i>Hey, Phillip, I have to Iraq and find</i>
- 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,409 <i>my kidnapped daughter!</i>
- 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,744 <i>Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.</i>
- 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,292 <i>See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC movie of the week.</i>
- 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,919 Wow, kickass, dude. We have to remember
- 00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,462 to tape "Not Without My Anus" next week.
- 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,088 Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.
- 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,051 Come on, Grandpa, we wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
- 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,095 No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
- 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,974 <i>And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."</i>
- 00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,519 <i>Here's your host, Bob Saget.</i>
- 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,020 Hey, I just flew in to the studio.
- 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:41,730 Boy, are my arms tired.
- 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,859 Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
- 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:46,902 'Cause he didn't have the guts.
- 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,239 Knock, knock.
- 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,032 Bob.
- 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:54,952 Bob Saget.
- 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,121 This guy sucks.
- 00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,581 Yeah, he's almost as bad
- 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874 as that guy on "Full House."
- 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,960 Cartman?
- 00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:04,253 What the hell are doing dressed up like an Indian
- 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,171 with a bear necklace?
- 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,465 Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important
- 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,800 to my people. - What?
- 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,471 Hey, the white man has mocked my people long enough.
- 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,723 You keep your goddamn mouth shut.
- 00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:18,809 Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over
- 00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,686 to the reservation. - What are you talking
- 00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:22,729 about, Cartman? - Why name isn't Eric Cartman.
- 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,815 It's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow
- 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,942 your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?
- 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,278 Go ahead, dude.
- 00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,280 Man, Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
- 00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:32,406 Yeah, we better get this video tape
- 00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,324 over to Mr. Mackey quick.
- 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,201 <i>Just a friendly reminder to all of you out there.</i>
- 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,120 <i>Send us your stupidest home videos.</i>
- 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,290 <i>The grand prize this month will be for $10,000.</i>
- 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,792 $10,000? Holy smokes.
- 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,336 Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.
- 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,804 And Bear cried to Eagle-- - Running Water,
- 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,556 there is some kid here to see you.
- 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,766 What kid? - He claims to be your kid.
- 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,727 Hi, Dad. - Who the hell are you?
- 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,312 I'm your son, Eric.
- 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,938 My mom says you put your hoo-hoo-dilly
- 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,065 in her cha-cha at the drunken barn dance.
- 00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,192 Your mother? - Liane Cartman.
- 00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:13,238 Cartman, oh, boy, I was worried there for a second.
- 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,198 Look, kid, I'm not your father.
- 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,117 But my mom says you were the guy she was with.
- 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,077 Kid, I hate to break this to you,
- 00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,872 but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as
- 00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,958 "bear with wide canyon." - What do you mean?
- 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,794 She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."
- 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,130 Huh? - Your mom's a slut.
- 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,090 Hey! - Don't feel too bad.
- 00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,635 Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened.
- 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,470 Let me tell you.
- 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:41,141 <i>We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find</i>
- 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,893 <i>a private spot.</i>
- 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,811 <i>I knew that she wanted me because she kept</i>
- 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,480 <i>saying romantic things.</i>
- 00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:49,900 Oh, Chief, I want your hot man chowder.
- 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:53,195 Whoa, hello.
- 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,281 Wait, wait.
- 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,325 Who is that?
- 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:04,706 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:08,877 <i>♪ Like a throbbing star ♪</i>
- 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,380 Chief, could you excuse me for a minute?
- 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:14,216 Huh? You gotta be kidding me.
- 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,344 Why, hello there. I don't think I've seen you
- 00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,555 around before. - No, I'm new in town.
- 00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:25,811 Well, what's a nice handsome black man like yourself
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:28,855 doing in a pit like South Park? - I'm gonna open up
- 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,526 my own restaurant here. - My, how exciting!
- 00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:35,570 Would you care to put your tongue in my mouth?
- 00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:38,907 Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase, don't you?
- 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,867 I'm plastered.
- 00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,496 His tongue? Chef?
- 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,707 Chef is my dad? - He's the last person
- 00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:49,960 I saw with your mom that night. - Oh, my God,
- 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,713 I'm a black African American.
- 00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:57,718 Come on, Kenny,
- 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,094 get the go-kart going. I wanna ride it.
- 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,679 Did you send the video tape
- 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,972 to "America's Stupidest Home Videos?"
- 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,849 Yeah, I mailed it last night.
- 00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:05,475 What sucks is that now, I'll have to actually watch
- 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,477 that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
- 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,062 If we win, we can buy a new go-kart that actually runs.
- 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,022 Shh, here comes Cartman.
- 00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,024 Sup, homies? - Cartman?
- 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:14,860 I was just down in the SPC kicking it
- 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,737 with some Gs on the west side.
- 00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,530 You live on the east side, Cartman.
- 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,574 Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
- 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,535 Right,
- 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,163 like I'm some hippie Indian.
- 00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:27,998 You know what I'm saying?
- 00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:30,333 Check it out, I'm gonna go chill with my dad.
- 00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,546 Dude, we should be videotaping this.
- 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,465 We could make another $10,000.
- 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,428 Hold on, Kenny!
- 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,199 Oh, my God, they've killed Kenny!
- 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,658 You bastards!
- 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,497 Hello? - Yo, Pops.
- 00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,541 Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
- 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,794 You know, just laying down some rhymes for the G-folk.
- 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:15,128 You know what I'm saying?
- 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:18,173 Get in here. - West side.
- 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,634 Take that wig off! What's gotten into you?
- 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,427 You're my dad, Chef.
- 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,679 Chief Running Water said you got together with my mom
- 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,473 at the drunken barn dance. - What?
- 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:29,851 No--did I? - He said you kissed her
- 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,814 with your tongue. - Ooh, that's different.
- 00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:36,483 Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children.
- 00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:40,111 Huh, so you're not my dad? - Of course not.
- 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:43,532 Here, you children sit down, and let me explain
- 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,700 something to you about where babies come from.
- 00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:49,079 Then you'll see why I can't be your dad.
- 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,707 ♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
- 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:56,169 ♪ And a woman loves a man ♪
- 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,630 Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman,
- 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:02,425 but he acts like he does in order to get some action.
- 00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:05,554 ♪ The magic starts to happen ♪
- 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,973 ♪ And the two take off their clothes ♪
- 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:12,018 ♪ That's right--and they caress and touch each other ♪
- 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,355 ♪ Until a part of the man grows ♪
- 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,859 ♪ Ooh, they roll around and now things ♪
- 00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,778 ♪ Really start to get hot ♪
- 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,364 ♪ And the man say, "I love you" ♪
- 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,408 ♪ And the woman says, "Hold on a second-- ♪
- 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,451 ♪ I gotta go to the bathroom" ♪
- 00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,746 ♪ So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait ♪
- 00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:36,668 ♪ And you wait and you wait and you wait ♪
- 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,753 ♪ You wait and you're cooling down ♪
- 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:43,133 ♪ And she's still going to the bathroom ♪
- 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,761 ♪ Finally, she comes back, and she says ♪
- 00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,389 ♪ "Baby, I'm getting hot" ♪
- 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:52,350 ♪ And that's when you gotta jump her butt ♪
- 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,103 ♪ And pump her full of-- ♪ - What?
- 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,689 Who the hell did that to my mom at the drunken barn dance?
- 00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,817 Oh, children, that was a long time ago,
- 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:03,528 but I'll tell you what I remember.
- 00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:09,618 Oh, Chef, you're so strong.
- 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,786 Hey, everybody, look who's here!
- 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,289 The AFC champion Denver Broncos.
- 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707 Are we late for the party?
- 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,627 What the hell town is this?
- 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:22,464 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:26,259 <i>♪ Like a throbbing star ♪</i>
- 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,802 <i>♪ I want-- ♪</i> - Oh!
- 00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:31,806 Chef, oh, Chef! - Damn, woman,
- 00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,016 what's gotten into you?
- 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:36,478 Oh, whoopee! Ah!
- 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,105 Garrison, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:40,899 You're drunk, Mr. Hat.
- 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:44,861 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:47,697 Oh, man, I'm out of here.
- 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:50,116 Come on, Chef, haven't you ever heard
- 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,453 of a manage au three? - Yeah, when two women
- 00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,498 are involved. - Damn, damn, damn.
- 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,083 Oh, well, I guess it'll just have to be
- 00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,794 you and me, Ms. Cartman. Oh!
- 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,129 And that's who she was with last.
- 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,382 Mr. Garrison. - No!
- 00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:09,260 No, no, God, no!
- 00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,264 <i>And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."</i>
- 00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:14,766 <i>Here's a video sent to us that shows</i>
- 00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,977 <i>a very disturbed little boy.</i>
- 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:20,146 <i>Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants, you are my best friend.</i>
- 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,815 <i>I think you are one of the</i>
- 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,483 <i>coolest people in the world, Eric.</i>
- 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,402 <i>And you are not fat at all.</i>
- 00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:27,153 <i>Really, you don't think so?</i>
- 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,863 <i>No, you're not fat.</i>
- 00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:29,864 <i>Cool, that's cool.</i>
- 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,369 Oh, Stanley, we just heard the news
- 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,080 that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train
- 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,707 this morning. - Huh?
- 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,583 Oh, yeah. - Is there anything
- 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,211 we can do for you, son? - How about some ice cream?
- 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:47,298 Yeah, with butterscotch. - You bet, you poor dears.
- 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,092 <i>Now the moment you've all been waiting for--</i>
- 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,219 <i>when one of our lucky videos qualifies</i>
- 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,681 <i>for the $10,000 grand prize to be chosen tomorrow night.</i>
- 00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:56,725 <i>The winner is...</i>
- 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,601 <i>"Little Boy's Tea Party."</i> - Whoo-hoo!
- 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,395 Whoa, yes! We're in the finals!
- 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,731 We're gonna win $10,000. - Man, Cartman's gonna
- 00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:03,898 be famous.
- 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,527 Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
- 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,655 Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,491 Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem.
- 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,201 Another Cosmo please.
- 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,874 All this time, why didn't you tell me, Father?
- 00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:22,667 What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
- 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,211 It was you all along! You were with my mother
- 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,047 the night of the drunken barn dance.
- 00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,465 Oh.
- 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,300 Garrison? That's impossible.
- 00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:32,427 He's gay. - I am not gay!
- 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,887 Then you did sleep with my mom?
- 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,638 No. - He's gay!
- 00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,641 Okay, okay, I admit it, I might've made love
- 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,477 to your mother at the drunken barn dance,
- 00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:43,021 but who here didn't? - Oh.
- 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,442 Now, come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex
- 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,943 with Mrs. Cartman?
- 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,906 Ooh.
- 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,119 I haven't.
- 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,246 You don't count, halfie. You don't have any legs.
- 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,165 Oh, yeah.
- 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,793 So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father.
- 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,711 I'm afraid you're never going to know.
- 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,424 Don't feel too bad there, kid.
- 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:14,302 I never knew who my father was either.
- 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,304 I mean, I did know who he was, and, well,
- 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,348 we had some great times together,
- 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,225 and hunting and fishing, well, hell, you know what I mean.
- 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,983 Wait, wait, I know a way to find out.
- 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,693 How? - At my laboratory.
- 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,570 We can do DNA genetic testing.
- 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,572 I'll take some of your blood along with the blood
- 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,117 of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
- 00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:38,827 Really? You can?
- 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,162 Yes, of course. I mean, that much testing
- 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,664 will cost a pretty penny, but...
- 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,833 How much? - $3,000 should cover it.
- 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,336 I don't have $3,000. - Oh, never mind.
- 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,134 Dude, I can't wait to win that $10,000
- 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,677 on "America's Stupidest Home Videos."
- 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,220 I'm gonna buy the coolest go-kart ever.
- 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,806 I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.
- 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,975 Hey, guys. - How's it going, Cartman?
- 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,895 Oh, fine. How are you guys?
- 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,605 Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
- 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:11,401 Oh, nothing. It's just nothing.
- 00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,027 Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
- 00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,405 Well, I wanted to know who my dad is, but,
- 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,657 to find out, they have to do these DNA tests,
- 00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:22,287 and they cost $3,000, and I don't have $3,000.
- 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,831 Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
- 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:27,417 Yeah, it sucks. I have to know
- 00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,419 who my father is. I just have to.
- 00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:32,630 Maybe I could work at in sweatshop for a while.
- 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,924 Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play
- 00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:38,344 in my backyard for a while. - Uh, Cartman, we know
- 00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:40,513 how you can get $3,000. - You do?
- 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,891 Yeah, we have a video tape that's in the finals
- 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,393 for "America's Stupidest Home Videos," and, if we win,
- 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,354 we'll give you $3,000 of our $10,000 prize.
- 00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,524 You will? Wow, you guys are the best.
- 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,902 Thanks, you guys. - Uh, yeah.
- 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,030 <i>And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."</i>
- 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,656 What kind of video did you guys make?
- 00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,617 Uh, you'll see.
- 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,620 <i>Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner.</i>
- 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,997 <i>Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos.</i>
- 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:09,459 <i>First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat on Master's Head."</i>
- 00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:12,128 <i>Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.</i>
- 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,089 <i>Oh, but I've gotta put a hat on my master's head.</i>
- 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:22,096 And now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has a Tea Party."
- 00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,766 <i>Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants.</i>
- 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,517 <i>You are my best friend.</i>
- 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:27,852 <i>Oh, thank you, Eric.</i>
- 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,315 Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy.
- 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,108 We're sure to win, Cartman.
- 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:39,614 Then you get your DNA money. - I am so pissed off
- 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,783 right now. - They laughed hardest
- 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,077 at our video--we're gonna win. We're gonna win.
- 00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,787 And finally, our third contestant,
- 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,872 "Young Child Gets Hit by a Train."
- 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,874 <i>Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.</i>
- 00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,752 <i>Hmm, I wonder if I can get this go-kart started.</i>
- 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,344 <i>Oh, I hope I don't get hit by a train.</i>
- 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,304 <i>Oh, I sure did.</i>
- 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,058 Oh, my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
- 00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,518 You bastards!
- 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,395 Now that's what I call a joy ride.
- 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,983 And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit
- 00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,192 by a Train."
- 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:19,904 Dude, we lost! - Damn it!
- 00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:25,785 I am going to kill you guys, seriously.
- 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,704 Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
- 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,248 I won, I won! - Grandpa!
- 00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:31,833 <i>Our other finalists will have to settle</i>
- 00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,751 <i>for their $3,000 runner-up prizes.</i>
- 00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,170 <i>Well, see you next time.</i>
- 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:38,548 Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3,000.
- 00:21:38,673 --> 00:21:40,675 That's enough for you to do your DNA tests,
- 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,303 Kill you guys.
- 00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,138 Kill you guys.
- 00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,060 All right, from everyone's accounts,
- 00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:53,187 I've narrowed down Eric's possible father
- 00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:55,106 to the people in this room.
- 00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:59,444 Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison,
- 00:21:59,569 --> 00:22:02,822 Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski,
- 00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:08,161 myself, my friend, Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos.
- 00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:10,204 Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut,
- 00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,914 but goddamn! - The test results
- 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,459 are in the envelope. Shall I open it?
- 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,502 Yes, for God's sake, get on with it!
- 00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:22,467 The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room.
- 00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,260 The father is...
- 00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:26,512 <i>Who is Eric Cartman's father?</i>
- 00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:30,016 <i>Is it Chief Running Water, or is it Chef?</i>
- 00:22:30,141 --> 00:22:31,934 <i>Is it Mephesto?</i>
- 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,062 <i>Or that little monkey guy that follows him around?</i>
- 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,521 <i>Or is it Mr. Garrison?</i>
- 00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,648 No, he's gay. - You go to hell!
- 00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:39,275 You go to hell, and you die!
- 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,985 <i>- Is it Jimbo?</i> - Ah!
- 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,612 <i>Or is it Officer Barbrady?</i>
- 00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,364 Huh, where?
- 00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:46,324 <i>- Or could it be Ned?</i> - Could be.
- 00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:48,159 <i>Or Mr. Broflovski?</i>
- 00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:49,952 Dad, how could you?
- 00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:53,081 <i>Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?</i>
- 00:22:53,206 --> 00:22:55,583 <i>The answer is coming on an all-new "South Park"</i>
- 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,251 <i>in just four weeks.</i>
- 00:22:57,377 --> 00:22:58,252 What?
- 00:22:58,378 --> 00:22:59,962 Son of a bitch.
- 00:00:01,711 --> 00:00:03,504 <i>♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪</i>
- 00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:06,173 <i>♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, cha-cha-cha, hmm ♪</i>
- 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:13,347 ♪ Hmm, hmm, la, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪
- 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,808 ♪ I like hugs, and I like cake ♪
- 00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,143 ♪ With a yum, yum, yum ♪
- 00:00:17,268 --> 00:00:18,978 ♪ It's loving that I bake ♪
- 00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:21,313 ♪ I'm your best friend through and through ♪
- 00:00:21,439 --> 00:00:25,651 ♪ Until the grim reaper comes for you ♪
- 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,862 Oh, hi, I'm Trey Parker. - And I'm Matt--
- 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,488 Matt Stone that is. [chuckles]
- 00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,532 Oh, you nut. You just caught Matt and I
- 00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,743 doing what we love to do most-- entertaining senior citizens
- 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,327 at a retirement home.
- 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,371 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, gang.
- 00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,040 Say hi to the "South Park" fans, I said!
- 00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,416 all: Hi.
- 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,043 God. - This next episode
- 00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,753 of "South Park" is called "Cartman's Mom
- 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,963 Is a Dirty Slut," and it's our favorite episode.
- 00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,840 That's right, Matt. It's what we call
- 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:50,926 a cliff hanger, and cliff-- - Excuse me, excuse me.
- 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:53,429 My chest hurts. I need my medication.
- 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,014 Oh, you mean this? - Oh, yes, of course.
- 00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:57,183 Ah-ah-ah, do the dog dance.
- 00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:58,726 I don't wanna do the dog dance.
- 00:00:58,851 --> 00:00:59,935 Dog dance. - I want my medication.
- 00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:01,062 both: Dog dance, dog dance.
- 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:02,313 Dog dance, dog dance.
- 00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:04,273 Bark, bark. - Good.
- 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,442 Good, anyway, this episode is all about a little boy's
- 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,319 search for his father. - And a video tape
- 00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:09,904 that might embarrass the heck out him.
- 00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,572 That's true. - Bark, bark, can I have
- 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,741 my medication now? - Uh, beep like a Jeep.
- 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,076 No. - Yeah, beep like Jeep.
- 00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:16,243 Yeah, come on, beep like a Jeep.
- 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,787 Come on. - Beep.
- 00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,163 That's it, that's it. - Good boy.
- 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,831 So now sit back, relax, and enjoy
- 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,334 "Matt's Mom Is a Dirty Slut." - Cartman's mom!
- 00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,753 Oh, right, right, right. - Beep, beep.
- 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:35,554 <i>[twangy music]</i>
- 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,056 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:39,058 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,768 all: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:42,311 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,771 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,606 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,316 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,818 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor!" ♪
- 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,319 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,071 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:55,241 [singing indistinctly]
- 00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:56,742 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,536 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:02,915 Dude, the bus will be here any minute,
- 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,667 and Cartman didn't show up for school.
- 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,168 Yeah, this is, like, the third day in a row.
- 00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,253 I wonder what's wrong.
- 00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:08,838 [muffled speech]
- 00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:10,256 [laughter]
- 00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:11,715 Yeah. - Hey, maybe we should
- 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,092 ditch school and go check on him.
- 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,385 [brakes hiss]
- 00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:16,387 Come on, we're running late!
- 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:18,222 We're not getting on, you fat, ugly bitch.
- 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,599 What did you say? - I said, "We're not
- 00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,601 getting on, you fat, ugly bitch."
- 00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,395 Oh, all right, then.
- 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,355 [engine revs]
- 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,898 Whoa, dude. - I always wondered
- 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,900 if that would work.
- 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,485 [doorbell dings]
- 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,654 Hello, boys. - Hi, we were wondering
- 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,322 why fat-ass, I mean, Cartman hasn't been
- 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,199 showing up for school. - Oh, he's just been
- 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,618 feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys
- 00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:42,121 can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.
- 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,499 In the backyard? - Would you like some more tea,
- 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,168 Polly Prissy Pants?
- 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,752 [in Polly's voice] Yes, Eric, I would love
- 00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:50,254 some tea, thank you.
- 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,463 [normal voice] You're very welcome,
- 00:02:51,589 --> 00:02:52,756 Polly Prissy Pants.
- 00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:54,216 ♪♪
- 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,510 Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?
- 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:57,678 [in Clyde's voice] Yes, please, Eric.
- 00:02:57,803 --> 00:02:59,388 Why are you so cool?
- 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,140 [normal voice] Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog.
- 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,725 I just am.
- 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,226 [in Polly's voice] Yeah, you're strong
- 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,478 and smart, Eric-- everybody likes you.
- 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,938 [normal voice] Why, thank you,
- 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,524 Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you.
- 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,318 Dude, this is pretty [bleep] up right here.
- 00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:13,903 [muffled speech]
- 00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:15,487 Come on, let's go make fun of him.
- 00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,281 No, dude, this looks really serious.
- 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:20,534 I think we better get help. - Really?
- 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,745 [in Peter Panda's voice] Wow, Eric, you are the coolest
- 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,623 guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
- 00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:27,291 [normal voice] Why, thank you, Peter Panda.
- 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,001 It's a distinctive Earl Grey.
- 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,502 [in Polly's voice] Eric is the best.
- 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,046 [in Clyde's voice] Hooray for Eric!
- 00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:34,632 [in Peter Panda's voice] Eric kicks ass.
- 00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:37,051 Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.
- 00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:39,511 Oh, well, there's a newsflash.
- 00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,055 No, no, we saw him having a tea party
- 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,514 with his stuffed animals.
- 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,016 Yeah, he was doing their voices and
- 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,809 pouring tea for them. - Oh, okay.
- 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,312 Eric is obviously suffering from some kind
- 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:51,941 of emotional distress, M'kay? - What do you mean?
- 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,984 Have you boys noticed anything recently
- 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,903 that troubled Eric? - No.
- 00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:59,615 Well, obviously, something is bothering him, M'kay?
- 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:03,410 Oh, of course, my video camera.
- 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,455 Boys, if you could video tape Eric's behavior,
- 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,500 then I can study him psychologically and find out
- 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:12,002 what's wrong, M'kay? - Is that legal?
- 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,339 Oh, hell yes. - My goodness, that's a lovely
- 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,383 dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.
- 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:19,343 [in Polly's voice] Oh, thank you, Eric.
- 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,763 You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and cool.
- 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,932 [in Peter Panda's voice] Yes, Eric, you are strong
- 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:28,269 and smart and cool-- everybody likes you very much.
- 00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:30,354 [in normal voice] That's nice, Peter Panda.
- 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:32,564 Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made.
- 00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,108 How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
- 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:35,567 I don't know-- just keep rolling.
- 00:04:35,693 --> 00:04:37,444 More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?
- 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:38,862 [in Rumper's voice] Yes, please, Eric.
- 00:04:38,988 --> 00:04:40,864 You are tough and handsome.
- 00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:42,658 [in normal voice] Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin.
- 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,952 And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
- 00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,161 [in Clyde's voice] I think you're a big, fat
- 00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:47,288 piece of crap.
- 00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:49,623 [in normal voice] Hey!
- 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:52,376 ♪♪
- 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,546 [meows]
- 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,131 No, kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage.
- 00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,590 [meows] - No, kitty,
- 00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,134 that's a bad kitty!
- 00:05:00,259 --> 00:05:01,802 [hisses] - How is your beefy roast,
- 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,262 snookums?
- 00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,389 Mom, can I ask you a question?
- 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:07,099 Sure, hun.
- 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,977 You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
- 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:13,063 Uh-huh. - And my friend Kyle has a dad,
- 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,190 and my friend Kenny has a dad?
- 00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,026 Yes.
- 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,951 Well, what's your question, hun?
- 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,120 God damn it, do I have a dad?
- 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,997 Oh. - I wanna know
- 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:33,083 where I came from. - Oh, hmm,
- 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:36,587 well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man
- 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,465 and a woman are attracted to each other,
- 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,301 they want to be close to each other.
- 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:45,596 Uh-huh. - And sometimes, the man
- 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:49,391 puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
- 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,983 So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?
- 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:02,363 Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic.
- 00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:05,657 It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees
- 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:10,079 were turning at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.
- 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:12,289 [twangy music]
- 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:13,499 [glass shattering]
- 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,834 [overlapping chatter]
- 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:18,462 <i>I was young and naive then.</i>
- 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,839 Wow, I've never seen a woman drink that much.
- 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,424 You're amazing, Ms. Cartman.
- 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,511 Oh, heck, I haven't even started yet.
- 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,679 [laughs] I baked cookies.
- 00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:30,265 Would anybody like one? - I wouldn't mind
- 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,768 getting ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman.
- 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:38,273 Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,567 Mm, that's a good cookie!
- 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:42,861 [folk music]
- 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,532 Come on, everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance!
- 00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:50,202 [exclaiming]
- 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:55,124 ♪♪
- 00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:58,001 <i>And then, I saw him.</i>
- 00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:01,004 <i>He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass</i>
- 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:03,549 <i>I'd ever seen in South Park.</i>
- 00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,969 <i>His name was Chief Running Water.</i>
- 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:10,597 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:14,560 <i>♪ Like a throbbing star ♪</i>
- 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:21,233 <i>♪ I want you to make love to me ♪</i>
- 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:24,319 I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went,
- 00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:27,448 but the next morning, I was pregnant with you,
- 00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:30,075 my little blueberry muffin.
- 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,953 So where's Chief Running Wa-- I mean, Dad, now?
- 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,621 Oh, I never saw him after that.
- 00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:37,291 I wasn't really that interested in him.
- 00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,669 That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
- 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,213 I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation
- 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,257 just outside of town.
- 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,969 Wow, to think all this time I'm actually a naive American.
- 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,471 [meows] - No, kitty,
- 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,097 that's a bad kitty!
- 00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,183 <i>[twangy music]</i>
- 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,060 <i>Coming this Sunday, a major television event</i>
- 00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:59,855 <i>that will blow you away.</i>
- 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,609 <i>Terrance, Phillip in the harrowing</i>
- 00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,820 <i>made for TV drama "Not Without My Anus."</i>
- 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,447 <i>Based on a true story.</i>
- 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,574 <i>Hey, Phillip, I have to Iraq and find</i>
- 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,409 <i>my kidnapped daughter!</i>
- 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,744 <i>Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.</i>
- 00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:14,786 <i>[flatulence]</i>
- 00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:16,955 <i>[laughter]</i>
- 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,292 <i>See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC movie of the week.</i>
- 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,919 Wow, kickass, dude. We have to remember
- 00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,462 to tape "Not Without My Anus" next week.
- 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,088 Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.
- 00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,049 [click]
- 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,051 Come on, Grandpa, we wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
- 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,095 No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
- 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,056 all: [groan]
- 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,974 <i>And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."</i>
- 00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:38,519 <i>Here's your host, Bob Saget.</i>
- 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,020 Hey, I just flew in to the studio.
- 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:41,730 Boy, are my arms tired. [chuckles]
- 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,732 [chuckles]
- 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,859 Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
- 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:46,902 'Cause he didn't have the guts.
- 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,403 [chuckles]
- 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,239 Knock, knock.
- 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,032 Bob.
- 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:54,952 Bob Saget. [chuckling]
- 00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,328 [laughter]
- 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,121 [laughs] - This guy sucks.
- 00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,581 [doorbell dings] - Yeah, he's almost as bad
- 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874 as that guy on "Full House."
- 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,960 [laughs] - Cartman?
- 00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:04,253 What the hell are doing dressed up like an Indian
- 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,171 with a bear necklace?
- 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,465 Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important
- 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,800 to my people. - What?
- 00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,718 [laughter]
- 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,471 Hey, the white man has mocked my people long enough.
- 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,723 You keep your goddamn mouth shut.
- 00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:18,809 Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over
- 00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:20,686 to the reservation. - What are you talking
- 00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:22,729 about, Cartman? - Why name isn't Eric Cartman.
- 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,815 It's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow
- 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,942 your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?
- 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,278 Go ahead, dude.
- 00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,280 Man, Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
- 00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:32,406 Yeah, we better get this video tape
- 00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,324 over to Mr. Mackey quick.
- 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,201 <i>Just a friendly reminder to all of you out there.</i>
- 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,120 <i>Send us your stupidest home videos.</i>
- 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,290 <i>The grand prize this month will be for $10,000.</i>
- 00:09:41,415 --> 00:09:43,792 $10,000? Holy smokes.
- 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,336 Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.
- 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,172 all: [gasp]
- 00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:53,385 ♪♪
- 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,804 And Bear cried to Eagle-- - Running Water,
- 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,556 there is some kid here to see you.
- 00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,766 What kid? - He claims to be your kid.
- 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,727 Hi, Dad. - Who the hell are you?
- 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,312 I'm your son, Eric.
- 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,938 My mom says you put your hoo-hoo-dilly
- 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,065 in her cha-cha at the drunken barn dance.
- 00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,192 Your mother? - Liane Cartman.
- 00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:13,238 Cartman, oh, boy, I was worried there for a second.
- 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,198 Look, kid, I'm not your father.
- 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,117 But my mom says you were the guy she was with.
- 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,077 Kid, I hate to break this to you,
- 00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,872 but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as
- 00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,958 "bear with wide canyon." - What do you mean?
- 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,794 She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."
- 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,130 Huh? - Your mom's a slut.
- 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,090 Hey! - Don't feel too bad.
- 00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,635 Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened.
- 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,470 Let me tell you.
- 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,597 ♪♪
- 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:41,141 <i>We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find</i>
- 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,893 <i>a private spot.</i>
- 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,811 <i>I knew that she wanted me because she kept</i>
- 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,480 <i>saying romantic things.</i>
- 00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:49,900 Oh, Chief, I want your hot man chowder.
- 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:53,195 Whoa, hello.
- 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,281 [vomits] Wait, wait.
- 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,325 Who is that?
- 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,994 ♪♪
- 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:04,706 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:08,877 <i>♪ Like a throbbing star ♪</i>
- 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,380 Chief, could you excuse me for a minute?
- 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:14,216 Huh? You gotta be kidding me.
- 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:17,344 Why, hello there. I don't think I've seen you
- 00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,555 around before. - No, I'm new in town.
- 00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:25,811 Well, what's a nice handsome black man like yourself
- 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:28,855 doing in a pit like South Park? - I'm gonna open up
- 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,526 my own restaurant here. - My, how exciting!
- 00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:35,570 Would you care to put your tongue in my mouth?
- 00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:38,907 Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase, don't you?
- 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,867 I'm plastered.
- 00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,703 ♪♪
- 00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,496 His tongue? Chef?
- 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,707 Chef is my dad? - He's the last person
- 00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:49,960 I saw with your mom that night. - Oh, my God,
- 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,713 I'm a black African American.
- 00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:57,718 [grunting] - Come on, Kenny,
- 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,094 get the go-kart going. I wanna ride it.
- 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,679 Did you send the video tape
- 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,972 to "America's Stupidest Home Videos?"
- 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,849 Yeah, I mailed it last night.
- 00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:05,475 What sucks is that now, I'll have to actually watch
- 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,477 that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
- 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,062 If we win, we can buy a new go-kart that actually runs.
- 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,022 Shh, here comes Cartman.
- 00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,024 Sup, homies? - Cartman?
- 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:14,860 I was just down in the SPC kicking it
- 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,737 with some Gs on the west side.
- 00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,530 You live on the east side, Cartman.
- 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,574 Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
- 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:23,535 [laughs] Right,
- 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,163 like I'm some hippie Indian.
- 00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:27,998 You know what I'm saying?
- 00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:30,333 Check it out, I'm gonna go chill with my dad.
- 00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,669 ♪♪
- 00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,546 Dude, we should be videotaping this.
- 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,465 We could make another $10,000.
- 00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:37,758 [engine hums]
- 00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:40,218 [incoherent screaming]
- 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,428 both: Hold on, Kenny!
- 00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:45,348 [muffled screaming]
- 00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:48,226 ♪♪
- 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:51,730 [muffled screaming]
- 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,023 [groans]
- 00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,526 [muffled speech]
- 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,403 [muffled speech]
- 00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,946 [train whistle whines]
- 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,199 Oh, my God, they've killed Kenny!
- 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,658 You bastards!
- 00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:04,910 ♪♪
- 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,536 [knocking]
- 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,497 Hello? - Yo, Pops.
- 00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:11,541 Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
- 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,794 You know, just laying down some rhymes for the G-folk.
- 00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:15,128 You know what I'm saying?
- 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:18,173 Get in here. - West side.
- 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,634 Take that wig off! What's gotten into you?
- 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,427 You're my dad, Chef.
- 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,679 Chief Running Water said you got together with my mom
- 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,473 at the drunken barn dance. - What?
- 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:29,851 No--did I? - He said you kissed her
- 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,814 with your tongue. - Ooh, that's different.
- 00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:36,483 Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children.
- 00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:40,111 Huh, so you're not my dad? - Of course not.
- 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:43,532 Here, you children sit down, and let me explain
- 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,700 something to you about where babies come from.
- 00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:49,079 Then you'll see why I can't be your dad.
- 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,707 ♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
- 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:56,169 ♪ And a woman loves a man ♪
- 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,630 Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman,
- 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:02,425 but he acts like he does in order to get some action.
- 00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:05,554 ♪ The magic starts to happen ♪
- 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,973 ♪ And the two take off their clothes ♪
- 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:12,018 ♪ That's right--and they caress and touch each other ♪
- 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:15,355 ♪ Until a part of the man grows ♪
- 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,859 ♪ Ooh, they roll around and now things ♪
- 00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,778 ♪ Really start to get hot ♪
- 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:24,364 ♪ And the man say, "I love you" ♪
- 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,408 ♪ And the woman says, "Hold on a second-- ♪
- 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,451 ♪ I gotta go to the bathroom" ♪
- 00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:31,746 ♪ So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait ♪
- 00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:36,668 ♪ And you wait and you wait and you wait ♪
- 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,753 ♪ You wait and you're cooling down ♪
- 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:43,133 ♪ And she's still going to the bathroom ♪
- 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,761 ♪ Finally, she comes back, and she says ♪
- 00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,389 ♪ "Baby, I'm getting hot" ♪
- 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:52,350 ♪ And that's when you gotta jump her butt ♪
- 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:55,103 ♪ And pump her full of-- ♪ - What?
- 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,689 Who the hell did that to my mom at the drunken barn dance?
- 00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,817 Oh, children, that was a long time ago,
- 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:03,528 but I'll tell you what I remember.
- 00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:06,656 ♪♪
- 00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:09,618 Oh, Chef, you're so strong.
- 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,786 Hey, everybody, look who's here!
- 00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:14,289 The AFC champion Denver Broncos.
- 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707 Are we late for the party?
- 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,627 What the hell town is this?
- 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:22,464 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:26,259 <i>♪ Like a throbbing star ♪</i>
- 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,802 <i>♪ I want-- ♪</i> - Oh!
- 00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:31,806 Chef, oh, Chef! - Damn, woman,
- 00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,016 what's gotten into you?
- 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:36,478 Oh, whoopee! Ah!
- 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,105 Garrison, what the hell are you doing?
- 00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:40,899 You're drunk, Mr. Hat.
- 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:44,861 <i>♪ There you are ♪</i>
- 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:47,697 Oh, man, I'm out of here.
- 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:50,116 Come on, Chef, haven't you ever heard
- 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,453 of a manage au three? - Yeah, when two women
- 00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:56,498 are involved. - Damn, damn, damn.
- 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,083 Oh, well, I guess it'll just have to be
- 00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,794 you and me, Ms. Cartman. Oh!
- 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,129 And that's who she was with last.
- 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,382 Mr. Garrison. - No!
- 00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:09,260 No, no, God, no!
- 00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:13,264 <i>And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."</i>
- 00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:14,766 <i>Here's a video sent to us that shows</i>
- 00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,977 <i>a very disturbed little boy.</i>
- 00:16:17,102 --> 00:16:20,146 <i>Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants, you are my best friend.</i>
- 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,815 <i>[in Polly's voice] I think you are one of the</i>
- 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,483 <i>coolest people in the world, Eric.</i>
- 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,402 <i>And you are not fat at all.</i>
- 00:16:25,527 --> 00:16:27,153 <i>[in normal voice] Really, you don't think so?</i>
- 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,863 <i>[in Clyde's voice] No, you're not fat.</i>
- 00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:29,864 <i>[in normal voice] Cool, that's cool.</i>
- 00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,700 [laughter]
- 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,369 Oh, Stanley, we just heard the news
- 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,080 that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train
- 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,707 this morning. - Huh?
- 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,583 Oh, yeah. - Is there anything
- 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,211 we can do for you, son? - How about some ice cream?
- 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:47,298 Yeah, with butterscotch. - You bet, you poor dears.
- 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,092 <i>Now the moment you've all been waiting for--</i>
- 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,219 <i>when one of our lucky videos qualifies</i>
- 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,681 <i>for the $10,000 grand prize to be chosen tomorrow night.</i>
- 00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:56,725 <i>The winner is... [drum roll]</i>
- 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,601 <i>"Little Boy's Tea Party."</i> - Whoo-hoo!
- 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:00,395 Whoa, yes! We're in the finals!
- 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,731 We're gonna win $10,000. - Man, Cartman's gonna
- 00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:03,898 be famous.
- 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,527 Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
- 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,655 Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,491 Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem.
- 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,201 Another Cosmo please.
- 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:17,495 ♪♪
- 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,874 All this time, why didn't you tell me, Father?
- 00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:22,667 What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
- 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,211 It was you all along! You were with my mother
- 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,047 the night of the drunken barn dance.
- 00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,465 [gasps] Oh.
- 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,300 Garrison? That's impossible.
- 00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:32,427 He's gay. - I am not gay!
- 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,887 Then you did sleep with my mom?
- 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,638 No. - He's gay!
- 00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,641 Okay, okay, I admit it, I might've made love
- 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,477 to your mother at the drunken barn dance,
- 00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:43,021 but who here didn't? - Oh.
- 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,442 Now, come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex
- 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,943 with Mrs. Cartman?
- 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,906 Ooh.
- 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,119 I haven't.
- 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,246 You don't count, halfie. You don't have any legs.
- 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,165 Oh, yeah.
- 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,793 So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father.
- 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,711 I'm afraid you're never going to know.
- 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,589 ♪♪
- 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,424 Don't feel too bad there, kid.
- 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:14,302 I never knew who my father was either.
- 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,304 I mean, I did know who he was, and, well,
- 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,348 we had some great times together,
- 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,225 and hunting and fishing, well, hell, you know what I mean.
- 00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:26,189 ♪♪
- 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,983 Wait, wait, I know a way to find out.
- 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,693 How? - At my laboratory.
- 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,570 We can do DNA genetic testing.
- 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,572 I'll take some of your blood along with the blood
- 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,117 of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
- 00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:38,827 Really? You can?
- 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,162 Yes, of course. I mean, that much testing
- 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,664 will cost a pretty penny, but...
- 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,833 How much? - $3,000 should cover it.
- 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:48,336 I don't have $3,000. - Oh, never mind.
- 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:54,134 Dude, I can't wait to win that $10,000
- 00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,677 on "America's Stupidest Home Videos."
- 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,220 I'm gonna buy the coolest go-kart ever.
- 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,806 I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.
- 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,975 Hey, guys. - How's it going, Cartman?
- 00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:05,895 Oh, fine. How are you guys?
- 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,605 Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
- 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:11,401 Oh, nothing. It's just nothing.
- 00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,027 Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
- 00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,405 Well, I wanted to know who my dad is, but,
- 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,657 to find out, they have to do these DNA tests,
- 00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:22,287 and they cost $3,000, and I don't have $3,000.
- 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,831 Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
- 00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:27,417 Yeah, it sucks. I have to know
- 00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,419 who my father is. I just have to.
- 00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:32,630 Maybe I could work at in sweatshop for a while.
- 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,924 Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play
- 00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:38,344 in my backyard for a while. - Uh, Cartman, we know
- 00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:40,513 how you can get $3,000. - You do?
- 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,891 Yeah, we have a video tape that's in the finals
- 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,393 for "America's Stupidest Home Videos," and, if we win,
- 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,354 we'll give you $3,000 of our $10,000 prize.
- 00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,524 You will? Wow, you guys are the best.
- 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,902 Thanks, you guys. - Uh, yeah.
- 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:57,030 <i>And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."</i>
- 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,656 What kind of video did you guys make?
- 00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,617 Uh, you'll see.
- 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,620 <i>Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner.</i>
- 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,997 <i>Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos.</i>
- 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:09,459 <i>First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat on Master's Head."</i>
- 00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:12,128 <i>Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.</i>
- 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,089 <i>Oh, but I've gotta put a hat on my master's head.</i>
- 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,257 <i>[laughs]</i>
- 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,010 [laughter]
- 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:22,096 And now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has a Tea Party."
- 00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,766 <i>Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants.</i>
- 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,517 <i>You are my best friend.</i>
- 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:27,852 <i>[in Polly's voice] Oh, thank you, Eric.</i>
- 00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:29,604 <i>[laughter]</i>
- 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,315 Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy.
- 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,108 We're sure to win, Cartman.
- 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:39,614 Then you get your DNA money. - I am so pissed off
- 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,783 right now. - They laughed hardest
- 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,077 at our video--we're gonna win. We're gonna win.
- 00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,787 And finally, our third contestant,
- 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,872 "Young Child Gets Hit by a Train."
- 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,874 <i>Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.</i>
- 00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,752 <i>Hmm, I wonder if I can get this go-kart started.</i>
- 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,421 <i>[engine spluttering]</i>
- 00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:59,092 <i>[vrooming]</i>
- 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,344 <i>Oh, I hope I don't get hit by a train.</i>
- 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,304 <i>Oh, I sure did.</i>
- 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,014 [laughter]
- 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,058 Oh, my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
- 00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,518 You bastards!
- 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,395 Now that's what I call a joy ride.
- 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,272 [laughter]
- 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:14,983 And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit
- 00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,192 by a Train."
- 00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:17,902 [laughter]
- 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:19,904 Dude, we lost! - Damn it!
- 00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:25,785 I am going to [bleep] kill you guys, seriously.
- 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,704 Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
- 00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:30,248 I won, I won! - Grandpa!
- 00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:31,833 <i>Our other finalists will have to settle</i>
- 00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,751 <i>for their $3,000 runner-up prizes.</i>
- 00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,170 <i>Well, see you next time.</i>
- 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:38,548 Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3,000.
- 00:21:38,673 --> 00:21:40,675 That's enough for you to do your DNA tests,
- 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,303 Kill you guys.
- 00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,138 Kill you guys.
- 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,183 [thunder crashes]
- 00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,060 All right, from everyone's accounts,
- 00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:53,187 I've narrowed down Eric's possible father
- 00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:55,106 to the people in this room.
- 00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:59,444 Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison,
- 00:21:59,569 --> 00:22:02,822 Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski,
- 00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:08,161 myself, my friend, Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos.
- 00:22:08,286 --> 00:22:10,204 Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut,
- 00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,914 but goddamn! - The test results
- 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,459 are in the envelope. Shall I open it?
- 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,502 Yes, for God's sake, get on with it!
- 00:22:16,627 --> 00:22:19,047 [mumbling] [gasps]
- 00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:22,467 The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room.
- 00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,260 The father is...
- 00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:26,512 <i>narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father?</i>
- 00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:30,016 <i>Is it Chief Running Water, or is it Chef?</i>
- 00:22:30,141 --> 00:22:31,934 <i>Is it Mephesto?</i>
- 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,062 <i>Or that little monkey guy that follows him around?</i>
- 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,521 <i>Or is it Mr. Garrison?</i>
- 00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,648 No, he's gay. - You go to hell!
- 00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:39,275 You go to hell, and you die!
- 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,985 <i>narrator: Is it Jimbo?</i> - Ah!
- 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,612 <i>narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?</i>
- 00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,364 Huh, where?
- 00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:46,324 <i>narrator: Or could it be Ned?</i> - Could be.
- 00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:48,159 <i>narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?</i>
- 00:22:48,284 --> 00:22:49,952 Dad, how could you?
- 00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:53,081 <i>narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?</i>
- 00:22:53,206 --> 00:22:55,583 <i>The answer is coming on an all-new "South Park"</i>
- 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,251 <i>in just four weeks.</i>
- 00:22:57,377 --> 00:22:58,252 What?
- 00:22:58,378 --> 00:22:59,962 Son of a bitch.
- 00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:02,965 <i>[twangy music]</i>
- 00:23:03,091 --> 00:23:10,098 ♪♪
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