Ринопластическая клиника Тома

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Did you like that,

South Parketeers?

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- You bet!

- Well, great.

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Then you're gonna love

this next episode.

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It's our favorite.

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It's called

"Tom's Rhinoplasty."

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In it, Mr. Garrison

gets a nose job,

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a substitute teacher

comes to South Park,

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and our boys learn

how to lick carpet.

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You know, South Parketeers,

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the reason that this episode

is our favorite

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is because we got

Natasha Henstridge

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to be the voice

of the substitute teacher.

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Natasha Henstridge was that

actress in the movie "Species,"

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and we loved her acting.

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In fact, Matt and I

used to freeze-frame

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a lot of her acting

from that movie on the VCR

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and play with ourselves.

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Then we'd play a little game

called I'm Natasha Henstridge,

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in which I'd close my eyes

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and pretend that Matt

was Natasha Henstridge.

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Then Matt would close his eyes

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and pretend that I was

Natasha Henstridge.

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But, kids, remember:

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If you want to play I'm Natasha

Henstridge with your friends,

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play it safe.

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Oh! Oh, look,

it's our Indian friend,

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Indian Companion.

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Say hi, kids.

Say hi to Indian Companion.

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Hi!

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What's happening,

Indian Companion?

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Someone coming?

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Someone coming.

- Someone coming.

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Someone coming, great.

Thank you.

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Thanks, bud.

- Thanks so much.

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Why don't you go build

a teepee there, buddy?

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I think you'll be

Natasha Henstridge tonight.

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Anyway, why don't we all

sit back, relax,

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and have a rootin'-tootin'

good time

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with "Tom's Rhinoplasty"?

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Yeehaw!

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Ready?

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Hooray!

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♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

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♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

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♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

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♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

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♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

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♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor." ♪

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♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

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♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

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♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

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♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

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Stan, you know it's

almost Valentine's Day.

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I know.

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Maybe we should go

on a cruise or something.

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I can't afford

a cruise, dude.

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I know, but we can make

a little boat out of cardboard

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and pretend it's a cruise!

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Shut up,

Cartman!

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That is

so lame!

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And then we could dress up

in little costumes

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and pretend

we're getting married.

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Stop this!

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You're killing me over here!

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Children, I have some

difficult news for you.

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Mr. Garrison won't be

teaching for a while.

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He has to

have surgery!

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So you're going to have

a substitute teacher!

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And I want you

to show the substitute

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the same respect

you show for Mr. Garrison.

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Yes, little boy?

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We don't have respect

for Mr. Garrison.

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Oh. Anyhoo, I want you all

to meet your new substitute,

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Miss Ellen.

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Hello, children.

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Whoa!

- Whoa!

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Wow, she's pretty.

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You can

say that again.

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Good luck, Miss Ellen.

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If they get out of control,

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just use this tear gas, okay?

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Thank you.

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I'm sure I'll be fine.

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Now, children, I know that you

must be very upset

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about your teacher

having surgery,

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but I promise I'll try to make

things as easy as possible

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for all of us.

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Stan?

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Stan!

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Now let me try

and learn your names

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by your

seating assignments.

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You are

Eric Cartman?

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Yes, ma'am!

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Okay, and you must

be Stan Marsh!

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Do you need to go

to the nurse's office, Stanley?

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No, he always pukes

when he's in love.

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I'll kick your ass,

Cartman!

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So you're all right?

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Dude, you had waffles

for breakfast, huh?

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I have to admit

I'm still embarrassed

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about getting a nose job, Tom.

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I didn't want people

at school to know,

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so I told them

I had herpes.

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You shouldn't be

embarrassed, Mr. Garrison.

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People have cosmetic surgery

all the time.

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Before we start,

this computer can help you

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pick what kind of nose

you want.

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Wow!

Isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?

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It sure is,

Mr. Garrison!

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Now, we could go with

something a little smaller,

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which would make you

look like this.

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Hmm...

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Or we could

straighten out the bridge,

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which would make you

look like this.

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Oh, that's

not bad.

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Of course, we could

narrow the bridge,

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which would make you

look more like this.

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Wow! That's it!

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That's the nose

I want!

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All righty, then.

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Now, I must warn you,

Mr. Garrison,

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that there

are risks.

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You could wind up a hideous,

foul, shadow of a creature,

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so terrifyingly ugly

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that you are forced

to live in the sewers,

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only emerging at night

to hunt for scraps of food.

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I can live with that.

00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,635

All righty, then,

let's get started!

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She wasn't looking at you,

butt-lord,

00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:06,932

she was looking at me!

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Well, that goes without

saying, fat-ass.

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How could she help

but look at you?

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You guys can stop fighting.

It was me she was checking out.

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Until you puked on her.

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Hello there, children.

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What's all this I'm hearing

about a new teacher?

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Miss Ellen, dude.

She's beautiful!

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Is she like

a Vanessa Williams beautiful,

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or a Toni Braxton

beautiful?

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Or Pamela Anderson

beautiful?

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Or is she Erin Gray

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in the second season

of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?

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Yeah, that one!

- Whoo!

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I gotta meet

this woman.

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Stan, didn't you notice

how her left arm

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is longer

than the right one?

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No.

- Well, it is!

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That's okay,

you know what they say

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about women with one arm

longer than the other.

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That's right.

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Well, did you notice that

mole on the back of her neck

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with the hair

growing out of it?

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That's okay,

you know what they say

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about women with a mole

on the back of their necks

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with hair growin'

out of it.

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Stan, we're still

valentines, right?

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Sure, Wendy, whatever.

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Hey, we should buy Miss Ellen

Valentine's Day presents.

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Yeah, we'll go

to the mall tonight.

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I'm gonna buy her

a vacuum cleaner.

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Chicks like

vacuum cleaners!

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♪ I remember when

we were so in love ♪

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♪ The moments that we shared

were timeless ♪

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♪ Saw it in the wind ♪

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♪ Knew it

in a glance ♪

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♪ The songs we sang

were simple and rhymeless ♪

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♪ I can't stop now ♪

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♪ My heart's awake ♪

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♪ I feel your arms ♪

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♪ My arms to take ♪

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♪ I guess

times change ♪

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♪ Even when love

is the same ♪

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Oh, goodness.

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Would anybody mind cleaning

my erasers after class?

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Me, me, me, me,

me, me, me!

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You guys are

so immature!

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Act like

eight-year-olds!

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Stan,

how 'bout you?

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I'd love to!

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Now, children, let's review

our multiplication tables.

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Cartman?

00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,867

What's a multiplication

table?

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Didn't Mr. Garrison

teach multiplication?

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Well, where did he leave off?

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We were learning about

how Yasmine Bleeth

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is going out with

that Richard Grieco guy

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that used to be on

"21 Jump Street"

00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,755

but then he got his own show

for just a little while.

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Oh, hello.

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Can I help you?

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I'm Chef.

- And?

00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:52,264

I just, uh--

I stopped by 'cause little Kyle

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forgot his laundry detergent

on the playground.

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My laundry detergent?

- That's not Kyle's--

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Shh! Crazy cracker's always

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leavin' that detergent

all over the place.

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What was your

name again?

00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,233

Uh-oh, Chef's movin' in

on Miss Ellen.

00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,985

I'm the substitute.

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Well I'm sure there's

no substitute for you.

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That's very nice,

Mr. Chef.

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Now if

you're finished...

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♪ Nobody could

take your place ♪

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♪ No way they can

match your face, no ♪

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♪ You got it goin' on

in a way ♪

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♪ So clear ♪

00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,837

♪ I just wanna

buy you a beer ♪

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Maybe tonight at 7:30 or

something, I can come by and...

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♪ Pick you up

in my car ♪

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♪ No substitute ♪

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♪ No substitute

for you ♪

00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:34,598

♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,016

♪ No, baby there's ♪

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♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,227

♪ For you, girl ♪

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♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,729

♪ For you now ♪

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♪ You know

that it's true ♪

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♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:46,818

♪ There's just

no substitute for you ♪

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We've got to learn

how to do this, dude.

00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,615

Yep.

- That was enthralling,

00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,117

Mr. Chef, but could I get back

to teaching now?

00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,244

If we can have

dinner tonight.

00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:56,870

Fine, Chef.

00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,747

Just let me do my job

before I get fired.

00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,458

Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make

sweet love to Miss Ellen!

00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:02,584

What?

00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:05,462

Mr. Garrison,

Mr. Garrison!

00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,382

Where--where am I?

00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,759

The operation is over,

Mr. Garrison.

00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,762

Oh, I feel weak.

How do I look?

00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,639

You look great!

00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,183

I--I feel

kind of nauseous.

00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,352

Yes, well, that's

to be expected.

00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,187

We did some

major reconstruction,

00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:23,605

sawed through

some bone,

00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:24,898

snapped some

cartilage.

00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,859

All the blood and mucus,

00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:30,028

just the sound of bone

and sinew coming apart.

00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,532

Ohh...

00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:35,784

By the way, did you ever

see that movie "Contact"?

00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,834

Oh, stop,

that movie was terrible!

00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:45,669

Oh, I'm sorry,

Mr. Garrison,

00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,087

why don't you

get some rest?

00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,880

I'll check on you

a little later.

00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,176

I waited through

that entire movie

00:09:53,302 --> 00:09:55,929

to see the alien

and it was her goddamn father.

00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,517

Okay, kids,

remember your homework.

00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:01,893

We have a lot

of catching up to do.

00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,146

Good-bye,

Miss Ellen.

00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,689

Stop kissing ass,

Cartman!

00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,774

I'm not kissing ass,

you stupid slut!

00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:09,401

Miss Ellen,

can I talk to you?

00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,236

Of course,

Wendy.

00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,614

I couldn't help but notice

you taking a liking

00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:15,532

to my boyfriend Stan.

00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,285

Oh, well, I've taken a liking

to all of you.

00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,996

You're all so young and cute

and full of life.

00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,582

Can I tell you something,

Miss Ellen?

00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:26,251

Of course,

Wendy.

00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,046

Don't with me!

00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:30,839

What?

- You heard me!

00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633

Stay away

from my man, bitch,

00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:35,636

or I'll whup your sorry ho ass

back to last year!

00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,181

Bye,

Miss Ellen!

00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:44,603

Well, I certainly

want to thank

00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:45,979

all you lovely children

00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,606

for the presents

you bought me!

00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:51,234

Oh, what

a delightful scarf!

00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,944

Thank you,

Kyle!

00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,655

Loser gift, loser gift!

00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:56,573

And here's one

from Kenny.

00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:59,618

Oh, thank you

very much, Kenny.

00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,912

This is a very

scrumptious-looking sausage.

00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,541

Oh, and what

a nice alarm clock.

00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,252

Thank you, Stan.

00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:12,381

And here's another present,

from Wendy.

00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:16,301

Oh, why, it's a dead animal.

Thank you, Wendy.

00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,012

See? She liked

my present the best!

00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:20,472

Where's your present,

Cartman?

00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:23,266

Well, I got Miss Ellen

a chocolate pie,

00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:25,060

but I, uh, left it

at home.

00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,520

Okay, kids.

00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:27,813

We're gonna take

a spelling test now.

00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,400

But as an extra incentive,

I'm gonna take

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,276

whoever gets the highest

score on the quiz

00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:34,820

out to dinner.

00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:37,447

Aw, man, I wish

I knew how to spell!

00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,199

Are there any questions

before we begin?

00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,575

Yes, Wendy?

00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,869

When someone gets

as old as you,

00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:45,122

do they have to wear

Depends undergarments?

00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,129

Dude, I aced

that test!

00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:53,964

I'm gonna win that dinner

with Miss Ellen!

00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:55,215

No, you're not.

I don't think I missed any!

00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,633

Hi, Stan.

00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,051

I bet I scored a 100!

00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,302

Hi, Stan!

00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:00,721

Oh, hi, Wendy.

00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,264

I was just in

the bathroom,

00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,890

and Miss Ellen

was in there

00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,684

taking the biggest dump

I've ever seen!

00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:06,685

No, she wasn't!

00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:07,853

Yes, she was!

00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:08,854

That's

impossible!

00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:10,480

Well, she did!

00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,107

And she has horrible,

horrible gas too!

00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,191

She says she can't control it!

00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,110

Nuh-uh!

00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,404

It smelled like a dead calf

rotting in the hot sun!

00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:18,655

Oh, cool!

00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,449

All right, Wendy, seriously,

00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,617

you need to stop with this

whole jealousy thing.

00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,453

Yeah, you're acting

like a freak, Wendy.

00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,329

No, I'm not

acting like a freak!

00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,755

Hey, man, someone's

gotta pull that monkey

00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,214

out of Wendy's ass!

00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:37,966

Hello there, children.

- Oh, hey, Chef.

00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,384

How did your date

with Miss Ellen go?

00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:41,261

Not too good.

- What happened?

00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,763

Didn't you make

sweet love to her?

00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,222

No, no, no,

she's not like that.

00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:46,183

You see...

uh, how do I put this?

00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:47,601

Children,

00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,561

Miss Ellen doesn't

exactly play

00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:50,771

for the right team.

00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:54,441

In--in other words,

children,

00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:58,445

she's not a member

of the heterosexual persuasion.

00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,449

Don't you understand?

She's a lesbian.

00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,117

A what-bian?

- A plebeian?

00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,411

You boys don't know

what a lesbian is?

00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,038

Kenny?

00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,166

No, explain it to us, Chef.

00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,876

That's okay, uh, look--

00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,461

all you need

to know is,

00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:16,129

Miss Ellen's a lesbian,

and that means

00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,214

she only likes

other lesbians.

00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:18,423

Oh.

00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:19,633

Now move along, children,

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:20,634

you're holding up the line.

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,052

Weak, dude.

00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,804

She only likes

other lesbians?

00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:25,514

Hey, man, if she only

likes other lesbians,

00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:26,890

then all we gotta do

is become lesbians too!

00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,099

Hey, yeah!

00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,309

Hey, guys, you know what?

00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:30,644

My grandma was Dutch-Irish,

00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:31,895

and my grandpa

was lesbian.

00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,230

That makes me quarter lesbian.

00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,731

You're just sayin' that,

Cartman.

00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,274

Yeah, you're not a lesbian,

fat-ass!

00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:37,651

I am too!

00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,986

Okay, only a few more

bandages to go.

00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,363

Well?

00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:42,948

Take a look

for yourself.

00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,911

Wow, that's a pretty

good nose job!

00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,496

What do you think,

Mr. Hat?

00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,206

I think it

looks great.

00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,124

Yes, I think once

the swelling goes down,

00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,584

you'll really notice

a difference.

00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,215

What the hell

are you doing, Cartman?

00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,467

My mom said if you want

to become a lesbian

00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,427

you have to lick carpet!

- Really?

00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,429

Well, I got a

Indi-glow Girls CD.

00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:08,139

The guy at the record store

said it was perfect.

00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,475

And I got these

killer Birkenstocks.

00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,814

♪ I woke up very early

one Sunday morning ♪

00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,566

This is a bunch of crap!

00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:18,984

I've been licking this carpet

for three hours

00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:20,277

and I still don't

feel like a lesbian!

00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:21,987

♪ Do it light ♪

00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,905

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,324

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:29,077

♪ Baby,

you do it right ♪

00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,788

♪ Give me more... ♪

00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,290

Hi, Mrs. Kimball.

00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:36,501

Oh, how-dy,

Mr. Garrison.

00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,004

Say, honey, you look

kinda different.

00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,589

Really?

00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,465

Did you get

a haircut?

00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:44,384

No, but thanks

for asking.

00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,094

♪ Do it light ♪

00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,387

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,598

Call me...

I'm in the book!

00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,016

Wow, Mr. Hat,

having a nose job

00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:52,559

is even better

than I thought.

00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,019

There's a whole world

of opportunity

00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:55,395

opening up

in front of us.

00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:57,981

Thanks for coming over,

Bebe.

00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,649

That's okay, Wendy,

00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:01,151

I brought my makeup kit

like you asked me.

00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:02,652

What are we doing, anyway?

00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,487

That mean old substitute

isn't gonna stop

00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:06,615

until she takes everything

from me, Bebe!

00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,366

Really?

- Yeah!

00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,577

What I'd really like to do

is load her into a rocket

00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,370

and have her shot into

the center of the Sun!

00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:13,997

But instead,

00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,291

I'll just get Stan

to notice me again.

00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,293

Bebe, I need a makeover!

00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,544

Oh, cool!

00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,173

I can't wait for

Miss Ellen to see

00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:24,633

what a raging lesbian

I am!

00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,384

I'm a bigger

lesbian than you!

00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,011

No, you're a fatter lesbian

than me!

00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,263

Screw you guys,

I'm king lesbian!

00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,432

Whoa, is that

Wendy Testaburger?

00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:40,357

Hi, guys, what's up?

00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,484

Wow, Wendy looks just like

that chick from "Grease,"

00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:43,902

Elton John!

00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,403

Wow, hi, Wendy.

00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,030

Oh, hi, Stan.

00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,573

I think it

worked, Bebe!

00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,824

Yeah!

00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,618

Good morning,

children.

00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:54,079

Wow!

00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,580

Damn! Get down!

00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:56,915

Yeah!

00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,458

Oh, Wendy,

00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,876

you wore black

leather too!

00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,213

We're like sisters.

00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,006

Die!

00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,716

All right, kids,

I finished grading your papers

00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,051

and the person

with the highest score...

00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,260

Hello there,

children!

00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,971

♪ Do it light ♪

00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,223

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,350

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,477

Oh, no,

Mr. Garrison's back!

00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:18,979

Oh, weak, dude!

00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,438

Hooray, hooray!

00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:22,315

Hooray

for Mr. Garrison!

00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,651

♪ He's back, he's back,

Mr. Garrison is back ♪

00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,361

So long, substitute!

00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,404

Don't let the door

hit your ass

00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,322

on the way out, now!

00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,700

Children, I have a very

important announcement to make.

00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,952

I'm quitting my job

as a teacher.

00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,496

What?

00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,789

It's strange,

but suddenly I feel

00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,582

really confident about myself.

00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,167

And I've decided

to quit teaching

00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:42,919

and do what I've always

dreamed of doing:

00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:45,380

hang out

and screw hot chicks.

00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,881

You...

you can't!

00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,717

But the good news is,

00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,802

I've already talked to

Principal Victoria about it,

00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,387

and Miss Ellen

can stay on

00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,888

as your

permanent teacher.

00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:57,809

Really?

00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,602

That's right.

Will you stay?

00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:01,354

Well, sure!

00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:02,689

No!

00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:04,024

No!

00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,859

Oh, by the way, kids,

00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:07,569

the person who scored

highest on the quiz

00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,112

and gets to have

dinner on me,

00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,780

is Stan.

00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,657

Kickass!

00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:13,658

No!

00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:14,993

No!

00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,120

Oh, and Wendy,

I almost forgot,

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,413

we just got a call

in the office.

00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,414

Your grandma just died.

00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,209

Ooh, my,

what an exciting day!

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,797

♪ Do it light ♪

00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,424

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,967

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,385

Great, baby,

you're lookin' great!

00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,345

I'm a lady killer,

Mr. Hat!

00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:36,806

You can say that again,

Mr. Garrison!

00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:39,059

Okay, just a few hundred

more shots,

00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,060

and we'll be done.

00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,603

A few hundred?

00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,605

Hey, that's the life

of a model, baby!

00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,648

Oh, boy, I'm gonna

need some more smack!

00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:46,775

You got it!

00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,741

I'm very glad we could

have dinner together, Stanley.

00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,367

I want you to know

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:57,952

that I really care

about your education.

00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:58,953

Are we making love now?

00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,497

Excuse me?

00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,873

They don't have

a fireplace here.

00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,041

We shouldn't be

making love yet.

00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,709

What are you talking about?

00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:05,960

You have to make love

down by the fire,

00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,253

that's what Chef always says.

00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:09,214

Stan, I'm your teacher, okay?

00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,423

We're only friends.

00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:11,925

But why?

00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,718

Well, first of all,

you're eight.

00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,386

It's because I'm not

a lesbian, isn't it?

00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:16,721

Oh, boy.

00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,059

It's over.

00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:22,602

I give up.

00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:30,151

Boy, I'll tell you

something, Mr. Hat,

00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,778

being hot and sexy

is fun for a while,

00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,655

but it sure does

get boring.

00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,907

You can say that again,

Mr. Garrison.

00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,827

What the...

00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,037

Whoa!

Hey, wait, wait!

00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:43,456

Ahh!

00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,250

Mr. Hat,

save yourself!

00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:48,294

So how'd your date

with Miss Ellen go?

00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:49,295

Did you

make love?

00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,338

I think so.

00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,756

No way!

- Yep!

00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,133

Down by the fire?

- Yep!

00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,010

Did I what?

00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,179

Good morning, children.

00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,598

Miss Ellen,

can I talk to you?

00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:03,184

Sure, but can it wait

till after class, Wendy?

00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,228

No, I just have

to apologize

00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,230

for the way

I've been acting.

00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,690

Oh, that's okay,

Wendy.

00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,024

No, it's not.

00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:11,442

Since you're

here to stay,

00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:13,403

I just hope

we can be friends.

00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:15,280

Well, I would love that,

Wendy.

00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,407

And...

00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,450

I want to apologize

to everybody.

00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:21,327

The way I acted

was wrong,

00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:22,871

and I've learned from it.

00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:26,249

I just wish Stan

and Miss Ellen

00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:29,002

would have all the happiness

in the world.

00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:31,880

Wendy, there's nothing

between me and Stan.

00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,465

That's not what

we just heard!

00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,844

Oh, Mr. Hat,

I hate this!

00:19:37,969 --> 00:19:39,971

I wish I'd never had

a nose job!

00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,850

Damn this beautiful face

of mine!

00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,268

Damn it to hell!

00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,521

We have to get

the surgery again, Mr. Hat.

00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:50,648

I wanna be the old me again!

00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,779

Okay, children,

let's catch up

00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:59,157

on our cursive handwriting.

00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,159

Down, down,

everybody down!

00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,285

What the hell?

00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:06,039

So we meet again

Miss Ellen.

00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:08,374

And just what is

going on here, mister?

00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,667

I am Hakeem Korashki

00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,336

of the mighty nation

of Iraq.

00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:12,879

This woman is a traitor

to our government.

00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:14,047

It's a lie!

00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:15,548

She has killed thousands

00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,050

and will kill again,

I assure you.

00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,677

Miss Ellen, is this true?

- No!

00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,679

We must take her back

to Iraq immediately!

00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:23,097

Oh, cool!

00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,141

Principal Victoria,

please!

00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:26,309

Here is a black-and-white

photo of Miss Ellen

00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,852

with our leader!

00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:30,438

Her real name is

Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh.

00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,315

Well, Miss Makaraqesh,

00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,943

you certainly tried to

put one over on us, boy howdy!

00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,402

Take her away!

00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:39,572

No, get away

from me!

00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,454

Oh, my God,

she killed Kenny!

00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:47,872

You bastard!

00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:49,874

No!

00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,377

Wow,

what incredible irony.

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,380

Wow, I can't believe

00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,131

Miss Ellen was a criminal

Iraqi fugitive!

00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,092

Yeah, you just never know.

00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:00,635

Well, I guess

I'm sorry

00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,970

that I was ignoring you

and stuff.

00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,806

Happy Valentine's Day, Stan.

00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:10,937

Eww!

00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:13,648

Sorry.

- No, it's okay, Stan!

00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:16,150

Everything's going

to be okay.

00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,319

Cartman, are you still trying

to become a lesbian?

00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,571

Yeah, dude, my mom says

all I have to do

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:21,739

is chow on this box.

00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:29,414

For crimes against

this country,

00:21:29,539 --> 00:21:31,082

you are hereby

sentenced to be

00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:32,375

shot into

the center of the Sun!

00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,544

This is all

a mistake!

00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,838

This can't

be happening!

00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,008

Please!

00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,801

For the love of God!

00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:43,011

Shut up!

00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:50,643

Great party, Wendy!

00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:51,728

Thanks, Mrs. Kimball.

00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:53,479

Thanks for helping me

00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:55,189

to get Mr. Garrison

to come back as a teacher.

00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:57,400

Anything for you,

sugar-pie.

00:21:57,525 --> 00:21:58,651

Oh, hi, Kyle.

00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:00,194

I've been thinking, Wendy,

00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,612

this whole outcome

is pretty strange.

00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:02,822

Uh, excuse me.

00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:14,042

How is it that Miss Ellen was

suddenly arrested for being--

00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:15,752

Wait, wait! Shh, shh!

00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:18,129

It's time to whip out

the eclipse shoeboxes!

00:22:24,177 --> 00:22:25,928

Bye-bye, Miss Ellen.

00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:28,056

Wendy...

you didn't!

00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:29,974

I told her...

00:22:30,099 --> 00:22:36,064

don't

with Wendy Testaburger!

00:00:03,379 --> 00:00:04,797

Boy, that was

a hoot and a holler.

00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:06,424

Did you like that,

South Parketeers?

00:00:06,549 --> 00:00:08,050

children: You bet!

- Well, great.

00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,385

Then you're gonna love

this next episode.

00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:10,761

It's our favorite.

00:00:10,886 --> 00:00:12,596

It's called

"Tom's Rhinoplasty."

00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,890

In it, Mr. Garrison

gets a nose job,

00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:16,851

a substitute teacher

comes to South Park,

00:00:16,976 --> 00:00:18,686

and our boys learn

how to lick carpet.

00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:20,229

You know, South Parketeers,

00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,939

the reason that this episode

is our favorite

00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:23,774

is because we got

Natasha Henstridge

00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:26,193

to be the voice

of the substitute teacher.

00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:29,155

Natasha Henstridge was that

actress in the movie "Species,"

00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,865

and we loved her acting.

00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:32,491

In fact, Matt and I

used to freeze-frame

00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,618

a lot of her acting

from that movie on the VCR

00:00:34,744 --> 00:00:36,454

and play with ourselves.

00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:39,248

Then we'd play a little game

called I'm Natasha Henstridge,

00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,000

in which I'd close my eyes

00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:42,752

and pretend that Matt

was Natasha Henstridge.

00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,253

Then Matt would close his eyes

00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,172

and pretend that I was

Natasha Henstridge.

00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:48,090

But, kids, remember:

00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:51,218

If you want to play I'm Natasha

Henstridge with your friends,

00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:53,137

play it safe.

00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:54,930

Oh! Oh, look,

it's our Indian friend,

00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:56,932

Indian Companion.

00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,517

Say hi, kids.

Say hi to Indian Companion.

00:00:58,642 --> 00:00:59,935

children: Hi!

00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:01,062

What's happening,

Indian Companion?

00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:02,938

Someone coming?

00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,940

Someone coming.

- Someone coming.

00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:06,317

Someone coming, great.

Thank you.

00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:07,985

Thanks, bud.

- Thanks so much.

00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:09,612

Why don't you go build

a teepee there, buddy?

00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,614

I think you'll be

Natasha Henstridge tonight.

00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:14,492

Anyway, why don't we all

sit back, relax,

00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,535

and have a rootin'-tootin'

good time

00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,496

with "Tom's Rhinoplasty"?

00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:20,206

Yeehaw!

00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:21,499

Ready?

00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:22,583

[guns fire]

00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,251

children: Hooray!

00:01:31,217 --> 00:01:34,553

[twangy music]

00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,055

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,057

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:39,767

all: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:01:39,892 --> 00:01:41,310

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,770

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:42,895 --> 00:01:44,605

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,315

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,817

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,318

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,070

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:54,240

[singing indistinctly]

00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:55,741

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,535

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:02,581

Stan, you know it's

almost Valentine's Day.

00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:04,458

I know.

00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,377

Maybe we should go

on a cruise or something.

00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,337

I can't afford

a cruise, dude.

00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:11,048

I know, but we can make

a little boat out of cardboard

00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:12,883

and pretend it's a cruise!

00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:15,136

[hysterical laughing]

00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:20,266

Shut up,

Cartman!

00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,351

That is

so lame!

00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,353

[laughing]

00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:30,151

And then we could dress up

in little costumes

00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:31,735

and pretend

we're getting married.

00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:34,738

[hysterical laughing]

00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:37,533

Stop this!

00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,827

You're killing me over here!

00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:42,705

Children, I have some

difficult news for you.

00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,332

Mr. Garrison won't be

teaching for a while.

00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,376

He has to

have surgery!

00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,670

[all cheering]

00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:51,672

So you're going to have

a substitute teacher!

00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,257

[all groaning]

00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:55,384

And I want you

to show the substitute

00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,137

the same respect

you show for Mr. Garrison.

00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:00,598

Yes, little boy?

00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:02,474

We don't have respect

for Mr. Garrison.

00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:07,062

Oh. Anyhoo, I want you all

to meet your new substitute,

00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:09,315

Miss Ellen.

00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,900

Hello, children.

00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:12,234

Whoa!

- Whoa!

00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,528

Wow, she's pretty.

00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:15,863

[mumbling]

00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:17,364

You can

say that again.

00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:18,908

[mumbling]

00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,242

Good luck, Miss Ellen.

00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,660

If they get out of control,

00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,078

just use this tear gas, okay?

00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:24,163

Thank you.

00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:26,707

I'm sure I'll be fine.

00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:29,126

Now, children, I know that you

must be very upset

00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,086

about your teacher

having surgery,

00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:34,006

but I promise I'll try to make

things as easy as possible

00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,257

for all of us.

00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,258

[gasping]

00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,259

Stan?

00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,761

Stan!

00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,137

Now let me try

and learn your names

00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,388

by your

seating assignments.

00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,182

You are

Eric Cartman?

00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:44,683

Yes, ma'am!

00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,311

Okay, and you must

be Stan Marsh!

00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,437

[retches]

00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,649

Do you need to go

to the nurse's office, Stanley?

00:03:51,774 --> 00:03:53,567

No, he always pukes

when he's in love.

00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,736

I'll kick your ass,

Cartman!

00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:56,820

So you're all right?

00:03:56,946 --> 00:03:58,530

[retches]

00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:00,991

Dude, you had waffles

for breakfast, huh?

00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,913

I have to admit

I'm still embarrassed

00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:07,623

about getting a nose job, Tom.

00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:08,999

I didn't want people

at school to know,

00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,584

so I told them

I had herpes.

00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,294

You shouldn't be

embarrassed, Mr. Garrison.

00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,505

People have cosmetic surgery

all the time.

00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,465

Before we start,

this computer can help you

00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,634

pick what kind of nose

you want.

00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,179

Wow!

Isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?

00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:24,390

It sure is,

Mr. Garrison!

00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:26,308

Now, we could go with

something a little smaller,

00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:29,103

which would make you

look like this.

00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:30,771

Hmm...

00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,314

Or we could

straighten out the bridge,

00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,316

which would make you

look like this.

00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,943

Oh, that's

not bad.

00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:37,653

Of course, we could

narrow the bridge,

00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,239

which would make you

look more like this.

00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,242

Wow! That's it!

00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,451

That's the nose

I want!

00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,995

All righty, then.

00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,288

Now, I must warn you,

Mr. Garrison,

00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:49,248

that there

are risks.

00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:51,709

You could wind up a hideous,

foul, shadow of a creature,

00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,419

so terrifyingly ugly

00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:55,254

that you are forced

to live in the sewers,

00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:57,840

only emerging at night

to hunt for scraps of food.

00:04:59,008 --> 00:05:00,509

I can live with that.

00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,635

All righty, then,

let's get started!

00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,431

She wasn't looking at you,

butt-lord,

00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:06,932

she was looking at me!

00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,350

Well, that goes without

saying, fat-ass.

00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,436

How could she help

but look at you?

00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:11,937

You guys can stop fighting.

It was me she was checking out.

00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:13,105

Until you puked on her.

00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,898

Hello there, children.

00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:17,735

What's all this I'm hearing

about a new teacher?

00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,653

Miss Ellen, dude.

She's beautiful!

00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:22,114

Is she like

a Vanessa Williams beautiful,

00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,615

or a Toni Braxton

beautiful?

00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:26,327

Or Pamela Anderson

beautiful?

00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:28,537

Or is she Erin Gray

00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,622

in the second season

of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?

00:05:30,748 --> 00:05:32,541

Yeah, that one!

- Whoo!

00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,126

I gotta meet

this woman.

00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,628

Stan, didn't you notice

how her left arm

00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,756

is longer

than the right one?

00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,591

No.

- Well, it is!

00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:42,301

That's okay,

you know what they say

00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:44,136

about women with one arm

longer than the other.

00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,888

[mumbling]

00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,765

That's right.

00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,683

Well, did you notice that

mole on the back of her neck

00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,226

with the hair

growing out of it?

00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,062

That's okay,

you know what they say

00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,938

about women with a mole

on the back of their necks

00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:56,607

with hair growin'

out of it.

00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:02,237

Stan, we're still

valentines, right?

00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,156

Sure, Wendy, whatever.

00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:05,699

Hey, we should buy Miss Ellen

Valentine's Day presents.

00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,659

Yeah, we'll go

to the mall tonight.

00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:09,578

I'm gonna buy her

a vacuum cleaner.

00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,497

Chicks like

vacuum cleaners!

00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,207

[somber music]

00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:14,750

[sniffles]

00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,503

♪♪

00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:20,964

♪ I remember when

we were so in love ♪

00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:24,385

♪ The moments that we shared

were timeless ♪

00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:26,178

♪ Saw it in the wind ♪

00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:28,222

♪ Knew it

in a glance ♪

00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:32,226

♪ The songs we sang

were simple and rhymeless ♪

00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:36,480

♪ I can't stop now ♪

00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:39,650

♪ My heart's awake ♪

00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:43,487

♪ I feel your arms ♪

00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,782

♪ My arms to take ♪

00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:50,077

♪ I guess

times change ♪

00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:55,833

♪ Even when love

is the same ♪

00:06:55,958 --> 00:07:01,004

♪♪

00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,259

[writing on chalkboard]

00:07:10,806 --> 00:07:12,558

Oh, goodness.

00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:15,060

Would anybody mind cleaning

my erasers after class?

00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,562

Me, me, me, me,

me, me, me!

00:07:16,687 --> 00:07:17,896

You guys are

so immature!

00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,148

Act like

eight-year-olds!

00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:20,399

Stan,

how 'bout you?

00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:21,442

[retches]

00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,402

I'd love to!

00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:26,697

Now, children, let's review

our multiplication tables.

00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,073

Cartman?

00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,867

What's a multiplication

table?

00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:32,911

Didn't Mr. Garrison

teach multiplication?

00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,873

Well, where did he leave off?

00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,916

We were learning about

how Yasmine Bleeth

00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,918

is going out with

that Richard Grieco guy

00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,004

that used to be on

"21 Jump Street"

00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,755

but then he got his own show

for just a little while.

00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:46,258

Oh, hello.

00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,468

Can I help you?

00:07:47,593 --> 00:07:50,137

I'm Chef.

- And?

00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:52,264

I just, uh--

I stopped by 'cause little Kyle

00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:54,516

forgot his laundry detergent

on the playground.

00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:55,851

My laundry detergent?

- That's not Kyle's--

00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,519

Shh! Crazy cracker's always

00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,271

leavin' that detergent

all over the place.

00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,064

What was your

name again?

00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,233

Uh-oh, Chef's movin' in

on Miss Ellen.

00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,985

I'm the substitute.

00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,613

Well I'm sure there's

no substitute for you.

00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:09,406

That's very nice,

Mr. Chef.

00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:10,491

Now if

you're finished...

00:08:10,616 --> 00:08:11,950

[funky music]

00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,786

♪ Nobody could

take your place ♪

00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:17,789

♪ No way they can

match your face, no ♪

00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:19,750

♪ You got it goin' on

in a way ♪

00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:21,585

♪ So clear ♪

00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,837

♪ I just wanna

buy you a beer ♪

00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:27,633

Maybe tonight at 7:30 or

something, I can come by and...

00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:30,719

♪ Pick you up

in my car ♪

00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,054

♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,388

♪ No substitute

for you ♪

00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:34,598

♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,016

♪ No, baby there's ♪

00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,059

♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,227

♪ For you, girl ♪

00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,311

♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:40,729

♪ For you now ♪

00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:41,897

♪ You know

that it's true ♪

00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,607

♪ No substitute ♪

00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:46,818

♪ There's just

no substitute for you ♪

00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,030

We've got to learn

how to do this, dude.

00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,615

Yep.

- That was enthralling,

00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,117

Mr. Chef, but could I get back

to teaching now?

00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,244

If we can have

dinner tonight.

00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:56,870

Fine, Chef.

00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,747

Just let me do my job

before I get fired.

00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,458

Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make

sweet love to Miss Ellen!

00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:02,584

What?

00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:05,462

Mr. Garrison,

Mr. Garrison!

00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,382

Where--where am I?

00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,759

The operation is over,

Mr. Garrison.

00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,762

Oh, I feel weak.

How do I look?

00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,639

You look great!

00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,183

I--I feel

kind of nauseous.

00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,352

Yes, well, that's

to be expected.

00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,187

We did some

major reconstruction,

00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:23,605

sawed through

some bone,

00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:24,898

snapped some

cartilage.

00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,108

[groans]

00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,859

All the blood and mucus,

00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:30,028

just the sound of bone

and sinew coming apart.

00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,738

[imitating cracking]

00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,532

Ohh...

00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:35,784

By the way, did you ever

see that movie "Contact"?

00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,413

[retching]

00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,834

Oh, stop,

that movie was terrible!

00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:45,669

Oh, I'm sorry,

Mr. Garrison,

00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,087

why don't you

get some rest?

00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,880

I'll check on you

a little later.

00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:50,924

[breathing shakily]

00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,176

I waited through

that entire movie

00:09:53,302 --> 00:09:55,929

to see the alien

and it was her goddamn father.

00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:58,807

[school bell rings]

00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,517

Okay, kids,

remember your homework.

00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:01,893

We have a lot

of catching up to do.

00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,146

Good-bye,

Miss Ellen.

00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,689

Stop kissing ass,

Cartman!

00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,774

I'm not kissing ass,

you stupid slut!

00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:09,401

Miss Ellen,

can I talk to you?

00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,236

Of course,

Wendy.

00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:13,614

I couldn't help but notice

you taking a liking

00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:15,532

to my boyfriend Stan.

00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,285

Oh, well, I've taken a liking

to all of you.

00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,996

You're all so young and cute

and full of life.

00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,582

Can I tell you something,

Miss Ellen?

00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:26,251

Of course,

Wendy.

00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,046

Don't [bleep] with me!

00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:30,839

What?

- You heard me!

00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,633

Stay away

from my man, bitch,

00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:35,636

or I'll whup your sorry ho ass

back to last year!

00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,181

Bye,

Miss Ellen!

00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:44,603

Well, I certainly

want to thank

00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:45,979

all you lovely children

00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,606

for the presents

you bought me!

00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:51,234

Oh, what

a delightful scarf!

00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,944

Thank you,

Kyle!

00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,655

[coughs]

Loser gift, loser gift!

00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:56,573

And here's one

from Kenny.

00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:59,618

Oh, thank you

very much, Kenny.

00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,912

This is a very

scrumptious-looking sausage.

00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:04,456

[laughing]

00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,541

Oh, and what

a nice alarm clock.

00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,252

Thank you, Stan.

[retches]

00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:12,381

And here's another present,

from Wendy.

00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:16,301

Oh, why, it's a dead animal.

Thank you, Wendy.

00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,012

See? She liked

my present the best!

00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:20,472

Where's your present,

Cartman?

00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:23,266

Well, I got Miss Ellen

a chocolate pie,

00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:25,060

but I, uh, left it

at home.

00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,520

Okay, kids.

00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:27,813

We're gonna take

a spelling test now.

00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:29,481

[all gasping]

00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,400

But as an extra incentive,

I'm gonna take

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,276

whoever gets the highest

score on the quiz

00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:34,820

out to dinner.

00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:37,447

Aw, man, I wish

I knew how to spell!

00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:39,199

Are there any questions

before we begin?

00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,575

Yes, Wendy?

00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,869

When someone gets

as old as you,

00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:45,122

do they have to wear

Depends undergarments?

00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,129

Dude, I aced

that test!

00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:53,964

I'm gonna win that dinner

with Miss Ellen!

00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:55,215

No, you're not.

I don't think I missed any!

00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,633

Hi, Stan.

00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,051

I bet I scored a 100!

00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,302

[shouting] Hi, Stan!

00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:00,721

Oh, hi, Wendy.

00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,264

I was just in

the bathroom,

00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,890

and Miss Ellen

was in there

00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,684

taking the biggest dump

I've ever seen!

00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:06,685

No, she wasn't!

00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:07,853

Yes, she was!

00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:08,854

That's

impossible!

00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:10,480

Well, she did!

00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,107

And she has horrible,

horrible gas too!

00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,191

She says she can't control it!

00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,110

Nuh-uh!

00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,404

It smelled like a dead calf

rotting in the hot sun!

00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:18,655

Oh, cool!

00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,449

All right, Wendy, seriously,

00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,617

you need to stop with this

whole jealousy thing.

00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,453

Yeah, you're acting

like a freak, Wendy.

00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,329

[screaming] No, I'm not

acting like a freak!

00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:27,873

[voice echoing]

00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:34,755

Hey, man, someone's

gotta pull that monkey

00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,214

out of Wendy's ass!

00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:37,966

Hello there, children.

- Oh, hey, Chef.

00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,384

How did your date

with Miss Ellen go?

00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:41,261

Not too good.

- What happened?

00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,763

Didn't you make

sweet love to her?

00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,222

No, no, no,

she's not like that.

00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:46,183

You see...

uh, how do I put this?

00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:47,601

Children,

00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,561

Miss Ellen doesn't

exactly play

00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:50,771

for the right team.

00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:54,441

In--in other words,

children,

00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:58,445

she's not a member

of the heterosexual persuasion.

00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,449

Don't you understand?

She's a lesbian.

00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,117

A what-bian?

- A plebeian?

00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,411

You boys don't know

what a lesbian is?

00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,038

Kenny?

00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,166

No, explain it to us, Chef.

00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,876

That's okay, uh, look--

00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,461

all you need

to know is,

00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:16,129

Miss Ellen's a lesbian,

and that means

00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,214

she only likes

other lesbians.

00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:18,423

Oh.

00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:19,633

Now move along, children,

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:20,634

you're holding up the line.

00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,052

Weak, dude.

00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,804

She only likes

other lesbians?

00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:25,514

Hey, man, if she only

likes other lesbians,

00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:26,890

then all we gotta do

is become lesbians too!

00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,099

Hey, yeah!

00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,309

Hey, guys, you know what?

00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:30,644

My grandma was Dutch-Irish,

00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:31,895

and my grandpa

was lesbian.

00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,230

That makes me quarter lesbian.

00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,731

You're just sayin' that,

Cartman.

00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,274

Yeah, you're not a lesbian,

fat-ass!

00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:37,651

I am too!

00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,986

Okay, only a few more

bandages to go.

00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,363

Well?

00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:42,948

Take a look

for yourself.

00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,911

Wow, that's a pretty

good nose job!

00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,496

What do you think,

Mr. Hat?

00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,206

I think it

looks great.

00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,124

Yes, I think once

the swelling goes down,

00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,584

you'll really notice

a difference.

00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,215

What the hell

are you doing, Cartman?

00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,467

My mom said if you want

to become a lesbian

00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,427

you have to lick carpet!

- Really?

00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,429

Well, I got a

Indi-glow Girls CD.

00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:08,139

The guy at the record store

said it was perfect.

00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,475

And I got these

killer Birkenstocks.

00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,814

♪ I woke up very early

one Sunday morning ♪

00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,566

This is a bunch of crap!

00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:18,984

I've been licking this carpet

for three hours

00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:20,277

and I still don't

feel like a lesbian!

00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:21,987

♪ Do it light ♪

00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,905

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,324

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:29,077

♪ Baby,

you do it right ♪

00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,788

♪ Give me more... ♪

00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,290

Hi, Mrs. Kimball.

00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:36,501

Oh, how-dy,

Mr. Garrison.

00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,004

Say, honey, you look

kinda different.

00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,589

Really?

00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,465

Did you get

a haircut?

00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:44,384

No, but thanks

for asking.

00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,094

♪ Do it light ♪

00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,387

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,598

Call me...

I'm in the book!

00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,016

Wow, Mr. Hat,

having a nose job

00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:52,559

is even better

than I thought.

00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,019

There's a whole world

of opportunity

00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:55,395

opening up

in front of us.

00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:57,981

Thanks for coming over,

Bebe.

00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,649

That's okay, Wendy,

00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:01,151

I brought my makeup kit

like you asked me.

00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:02,652

What are we doing, anyway?

00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,487

That mean old substitute

isn't gonna stop

00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:06,615

until she takes everything

from me, Bebe!

00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,366

Really?

- Yeah!

00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,577

What I'd really like to do

is load her into a rocket

00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,370

and have her shot into

the center of the Sun!

00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:13,997

But instead,

00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,291

I'll just get Stan

to notice me again.

00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,293

Bebe, I need a makeover!

00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,544

Oh, cool!

00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,173

I can't wait for

Miss Ellen to see

00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:24,633

what a raging lesbian

I am!

00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,384

I'm a bigger

lesbian than you!

00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,011

No, you're a fatter lesbian

than me!

00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,263

Screw you guys,

I'm king lesbian!

00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,432

Whoa, is that

Wendy Testaburger?

00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:38,521

♪♪

00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:40,357

Hi, guys, what's up?

00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,484

Wow, Wendy looks just like

that chick from "Grease,"

00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:43,902

Elton John!

00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,403

Wow, hi, Wendy.

00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,030

Oh, hi, Stan.

00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,573

I think it

worked, Bebe!

00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,824

Yeah!

00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,618

Good morning,

children.

00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:54,079

Wow!

00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:55,580

Damn! Get down!

00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:56,915

Yeah!

00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,458

Oh, Wendy,

00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,876

you wore black

leather too!

00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,213

We're like sisters.

00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,006

Die!

00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,716

All right, kids,

I finished grading your papers

00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,051

and the person

with the highest score...

00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,260

Hello there,

children!

00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:10,971

♪ Do it light ♪

00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,223

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,350

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,477

Oh, no,

Mr. Garrison's back!

00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:18,979

Oh, weak, dude!

00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,438

Hooray, hooray!

00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:22,315

Hooray

for Mr. Garrison!

00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,651

♪ He's back, he's back,

Mr. Garrison is back ♪

00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,361

So long, substitute!

00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,404

Don't let the door

hit your ass

00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:29,322

on the way out, now!

00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,700

Children, I have a very

important announcement to make.

00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,952

I'm quitting my job

as a teacher.

00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:34,953

[all gasping]

00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,496

What?

00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,789

It's strange,

but suddenly I feel

00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,582

really confident about myself.

00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,167

And I've decided

to quit teaching

00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:42,919

and do what I've always

dreamed of doing:

00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:45,380

hang out

and screw hot chicks.

00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,881

You...

you can't!

00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,717

But the good news is,

00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,802

I've already talked to

Principal Victoria about it,

00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,387

and Miss Ellen

can stay on

00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,888

as your

permanent teacher.

00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,307

[all cheering]

00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:57,809

Really?

00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,602

That's right.

Will you stay?

00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:01,354

Well, sure!

00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:02,689

No!

00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:04,024

No!

00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,859

Oh, by the way, kids,

00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:07,569

the person who scored

highest on the quiz

00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,112

and gets to have

dinner on me,

00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,780

is Stan.

00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,657

[retches]

Kickass!

00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:13,658

[screaming] No!

00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:14,993

No!

00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,120

Oh, and Wendy,

I almost forgot,

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,413

we just got a call

in the office.

00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,414

Your grandma just died.

00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,416

[screaming]

00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,209

Ooh, my,

what an exciting day!

00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,797

♪ Do it light ♪

00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,424

♪ Taking me

through the night ♪

00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,967

♪ Shadow dancing ♪

00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,385

Great, baby,

you're lookin' great!

00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,345

I'm a lady killer,

Mr. Hat!

00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:36,806

You can say that again,

Mr. Garrison!

00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:39,059

Okay, just a few hundred

more shots,

00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,060

and we'll be done.

00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,603

A few hundred?

00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,605

Hey, that's the life

of a model, baby!

00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,648

Oh, boy, I'm gonna

need some more smack!

00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:46,775

You got it!

00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,944

[camera shutter clicking]

00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,741

I'm very glad we could

have dinner together, Stanley.

00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,367

I want you to know

00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:57,952

that I really care

about your education.

00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:58,953

Are we making love now?

00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,497

Excuse me?

00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,873

They don't have

a fireplace here.

00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,041

We shouldn't be

making love yet.

00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,709

What are you talking about?

00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:05,960

You have to make love

down by the fire,

00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,253

that's what Chef always says.

00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:09,214

Stan, I'm your teacher, okay?

00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,423

We're only friends.

00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:11,925

But why?

00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,718

Well, first of all,

you're eight.

00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,386

It's because I'm not

a lesbian, isn't it?

00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:16,721

Oh, boy.

00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,516

[thunder rumbling]

00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,059

It's over.

00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:22,602

I give up.

00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:30,151

Boy, I'll tell you

something, Mr. Hat,

00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,778

being hot and sexy

is fun for a while,

00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,655

but it sure does

get boring.

00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,907

You can say that again,

Mr. Garrison.

00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,492

[women screaming]

00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,827

What the...

00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,037

Whoa!

Hey, wait, wait!

00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:43,456

Ahh!

00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,250

Mr. Hat,

save yourself!

00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,043

[school bell ringing]

00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:48,294

So how'd your date

with Miss Ellen go?

00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:49,295

Did you

make love?

00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:50,338

I think so.

00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,756

No way!

- Yep!

00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,133

Down by the fire?

- Yep!

00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:54,926

[mumbling]

00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,010

Did I what?

00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,179

Good morning, children.

00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:00,598

Miss Ellen,

can I talk to you?

00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:03,184

Sure, but can it wait

till after class, Wendy?

00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,228

No, I just have

to apologize

00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,230

for the way

I've been acting.

00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,690

Oh, that's okay,

Wendy.

00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,024

No, it's not.

00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:11,442

Since you're

here to stay,

00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:13,403

I just hope

we can be friends.

00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:15,280

Well, I would love that,

Wendy.

00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,407

And... [clears throat]

00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,450

I want to apologize

to everybody.

00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:21,327

The way I acted

was wrong,

00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:22,871

and I've learned from it.

00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:26,249

I just wish Stan

and Miss Ellen

00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:29,002

would have all the happiness

in the world.

00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:31,880

Wendy, there's nothing

between me and Stan.

00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,465

That's not what

we just heard!

00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,384

[women screaming]

00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,844

Oh, Mr. Hat,

I hate this!

00:19:37,969 --> 00:19:39,971

I wish I'd never had

a nose job!

00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,850

Damn this beautiful face

of mine!

00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,268

Damn it to hell!

00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,521

We have to get

the surgery again, Mr. Hat.

00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:50,648

I wanna be the old me again!

00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,779

Okay, children,

let's catch up

00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:59,157

on our cursive handwriting.

00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,159

Down, down,

everybody down!

00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,285

What the hell?

00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:06,039

So we meet again

Miss Ellen.

00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:08,374

And just what is

going on here, mister?

00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,667

I am Hakeem Korashki

00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,336

of the mighty nation

of Iraq.

00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:12,879

This woman is a traitor

to our government.

00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:14,047

It's a lie!

00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:15,548

She has killed thousands

00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,050

and will kill again,

I assure you.

00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:19,677

Miss Ellen, is this true?

- No!

00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,679

We must take her back

to Iraq immediately!

00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:23,097

Oh, cool!

00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,141

Principal Victoria,

please!

00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:26,309

Here is a black-and-white

photo of Miss Ellen

00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,852

with our leader!

00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:30,438

Her real name is

Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh.

00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,315

Well, Miss Makaraqesh,

00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,943

you certainly tried to

put one over on us, boy howdy!

00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,402

Take her away!

00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:39,572

No, get away

from me!

00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,454

Oh, my God,

she killed Kenny!

00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:47,872

You bastard!

00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:49,874

No!

00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,377

Wow,

what incredible irony.

00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:53,670

[sirens wailing]

00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,380

Wow, I can't believe

00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,131

Miss Ellen was a criminal

Iraqi fugitive!

00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,092

Yeah, you just never know.

00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:00,635

Well, I guess

I'm sorry

00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,970

that I was ignoring you

and stuff.

00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,806

Happy Valentine's Day, Stan.

00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:09,602

[retching]

00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:10,937

Eww!

00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:13,648

Sorry.

- No, it's okay, Stan!

00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:16,150

Everything's going

to be okay.

00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,319

Cartman, are you still trying

to become a lesbian?

00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,571

Yeah, dude, my mom says

all I have to do

00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:21,739

is chow on this box.

00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:29,414

For crimes against

this country,

00:21:29,539 --> 00:21:31,082

you are hereby

sentenced to be

00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:32,375

shot into

the center of the Sun!

00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:34,544

This is all

a mistake!

00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,838

This can't

be happening!

00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,008

Please!

00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,801

For the love of God!

00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:43,011

Shut up!

00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,141

[upbeat music playing]

00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:50,643

[laughs]

Great party, Wendy!

00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:51,728

Thanks, Mrs. Kimball.

00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:53,479

Thanks for helping me

00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:55,189

to get Mr. Garrison

to come back as a teacher.

00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:57,400

Anything for you,

sugar-pie.

00:21:57,525 --> 00:21:58,651

Oh, hi, Kyle.

00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:00,194

I've been thinking, Wendy,

00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,612

this whole outcome

is pretty strange.

00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:02,822

Uh, excuse me.

00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:06,200

[speaking foreign language]

00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:12,540

[grumbling

in foreign language]

00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:14,042

How is it that Miss Ellen was

suddenly arrested for being--

00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:15,752

Wait, wait! Shh, shh!

00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:18,129

It's time to whip out

the eclipse shoeboxes!

00:22:24,177 --> 00:22:25,928

Bye-bye, Miss Ellen.

00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:28,056

Wendy...

you didn't!

00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:29,974

I told her...

00:22:30,099 --> 00:22:36,064

don't [bleep]

with Wendy Testaburger!