Дэмиен

00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,217

Did you like that

"South Park"-ateers?

00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,593

- You bet!

- That sure was

00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:11,178

a good episode, wasn't it?

00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:13,097

But this next episode

is our favorite episode.

00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,557

It's called "Damien" and it's

about

00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,392

the ultimate fight

between good and evil.

00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,394

But more than that, it's about

being the new kid in school.

00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,354

That's right,

"South Park"-ateers.

00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:23,024

You know, being the new kid

in school sure can be hard.

00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:24,817

Matt and I know

from first-hand experience

00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,402

because, well,

we used to beat

00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,112

the crap out of the new kids

all the time.

00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:30,656

And because the episode has

Jesus and Satan in it,

00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:32,366

well, we received

a lot of complaints

00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:34,535

from religious organizations

from around the country.

00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,413

They said we were being

blasphemous and sacrilegious.

00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,958

To which we say, well,

you're all a bunch of

00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:45,504

Christian -heads.

00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:47,923

Wow, you said

a mouthful there.

00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,968

Oh, hey, gang, it's our

friend Indian companion.

00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:53,304

Someone coming.

00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,640

We don't care.

00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:58,017

We don't care that

someone's coming.

00:00:58,142 --> 00:00:59,810

Can't you say something else?

00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,854

It's always "Someone coming,"

"Someone coming."

00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,230

We don't care.

We--I hope someone comes.

00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:04,899

We like people.

00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:07,151

Kids, let's all tell

Indian companion to go away.

00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:10,279

Go away,

Indian companion!

00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,282

Well, now why don't

we all sit back

00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:16,035

and get a little rowdy

and watch "Damien."

00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,662

Yee-haw!

00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:20,539

Hooray!

00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:31,801

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,719

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,471

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,014

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,474

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,309

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,019

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,521

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor." ♪

00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,022

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,774

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,445

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,656

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,992

Here you go, Kyle.

00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,620

And here's your, Stan.

- What is this, Cartman?

00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,038

They're invitations

to my birthday party

00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,873

this weekend.

- Oh, sweet.

00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,834

Your mom's giving you

a big party again this year?

00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,294

That's right.

♪ 'Cause it's my birthday ♪

00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:10,381

♪ My b-b-b-birthday ♪♪♪

- Kick ass, dude.

00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,633

Cartman's mom throws

the best birthday parties ever!

00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,844

That's right.

- Yeah, if my mom could cook

00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:17,346

like Cartman's mom,

I'd be a big, fat-ass too.

00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,889

That's ri--hey!

00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,766

Oh, Eric,

I didn't get an invitation.

00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:22,518

Oh really?

00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,396

Gosh, where could I have put

Pip's invitation?

00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:27,648

Let's see...

Pip's invitation,

00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,441

Pip's invitation...

00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:30,943

Oh, I remember.

00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,695

I shoved it up my ass!

00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,697

Yes, that's right,

I wrote it out,

00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,365

put it in an envelope,

sealed it,

00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,659

and then, bloop,

shoved it right up my ass.

00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,119

Forever ruining

any chance you had

00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:41,704

of coming to my birthday party.

00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,497

Sorry Pip, old chap.

00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:47,293

Here's yours Wendy

and here's yours Clyde.

00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:50,212

Children, children,

today is a very special day.

00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,256

No, my birthday

isn't until Saturday.

00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,383

I'm not talking

about your birthday, Eric.

00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:57,178

We have a new student

joining our class today.

00:02:57,303 --> 00:02:59,180

Ugh.

- Now, some of you know

00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:01,056

what it's like

to be the new kid in town.

00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:02,850

So I want you all

to take special care

00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,602

to make him feel welcome.

00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,271

I want you all

to meet our new classmate--

00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,190

uh, what's your name again?

00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:12,318

Damien.

00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,572

Say hi to Damien.

00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,407

And where are you from, Damien?

00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,368

The seventh layer of hell.

- Oh that's exciting.

00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,953

My mother was from Alabama.

00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,331

My arrival denotes

end of the beginning.

00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:26,707

The beginning of the end.

00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,334

The new reign of my father.

00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,669

Your father?

- The Prince of Darkness.

00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,838

Wow, we have royalty

in our class.

00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,423

Why don't you

take your seat, Damien.

00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,217

We're gonna finish our lesson

on great singers

00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,302

of the Baroque era.

00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:41,805

Now children, Nancy Sinatra was

quite a choice piece of ass...

00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:43,933

Hey, new kid,

do you want an invitation

00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:46,685

to my birthday party?

- Here begins the rule of pain.

00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,270

The new domination of--

- Psyche!

00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,939

I wasn't gonna give

you an invitation.

00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,401

Hey, who cut your hair,

Stevie Wonder?

00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,242

Whoa, dude!

- Damn, what a freak!

00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:03,577

- Hey, I had a Poofy Pie

in that desk!

00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,913

Now feel the wrath

of the fallen angel.

00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:07,873

The plague of blight

is upon thee.

00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:10,876

Damien, do you need to sit

in time out for a few minutes?

00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,587

Heh.

♪ You got in trouble ♪

00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,381

♪ You got in trouble ♪

00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,759

Hey, Cartman, how come

the birthday invitation

00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,636

you gave me says,

"Green Mega Man"?

00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,429

Yeah, mine says,

"Red Mega Man".

00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,098

Right, that's what

you're supposed to get me

00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:26,141

for my birthday.

- Dude...

00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,768

You're not supposed

to tell people what to get you

00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,561

for your birthday.

- Yeah, that's weak.

00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,105

Look, it's very simple, guys.

00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,982

Green Mega Man

goes with Red Mega Man

00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,693

and Yellow Mega Man to make

the Ultra Mega Mega Man.

00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:37,945

You have to have all three

or it doesn't work, see?

00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,155

Up yours, Cartman, I'll get

you whatever the hell I want.

00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:43,117

Oh, so maybe you don't want

to have any of my mom's

00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:44,702

cake pan ice cream, then.

00:04:44,827 --> 00:04:46,578

Oh, Green Mega Man it is.

00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:48,205

Now as you can see Kenny,

00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,457

you are to get me

Yellow Mega Man.

00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,710

That's because Yellow Mega Man

is the cheapest one,

00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:55,546

and I know how poor

your family is.

00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,423

Hey, what you think

you're doing, new kid?

00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,341

Yeah you can't

sit with us, weirdo.

00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:02,177

Infidels! I will turn you all

into beasts of burden!

00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,637

You can't sit us

with us new kid.

00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,806

Go find another table.

00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:08,767

Any way Kenny,

Yellow Mega Man is only 8.95.

00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:10,477

So maybe your mom

can put it on layaway

00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,937

and make payments

for a year or two.

00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,359

Hey!

Oh, good day, Damien.

00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,403

My name is Phillip,

but everyone calls me "Pip",

00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,530

because they hate me!

- Then I will call you Pip.

00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,158

Right-o.

- Hey, new kid.

00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:26,869

Kenny says he saw your mom

drop you off this morning,

00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,039

and she's a real dog.

00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:31,915

That does it!

Woof-ah!

00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,213

What the--

- Dude, he turned Kenny

00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:39,548

into a duck-billed platypus!

00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,300

A what?

00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,635

Hey, turn him back,

you butthole.

00:05:43,761 --> 00:05:45,471

He has to buy me

the Yellow Mega Man.

00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:46,889

Hello there, children.

00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,390

Hey, Chef.

- How's it going?

00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,975

Bad.

- Why bad?

00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,310

Chef, there's

a new kid in school

00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,062

and he's a total weirdo freak.

00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,855

Oh, children, children.

00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,523

You shouldn't not like somebody

00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,275

just because they're different.

00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,944

Here let me sing you

a little song.

00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,366

♪ We're all special

in our own way ♪

00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:07,910

♪ Everybody's different

but that's okay ♪

00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,372

♪ 'Cause even though we might

have different color skin ♪

00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:14,083

♪ Different points of views,

be tall or thin ♪

00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:17,586

♪ It doesn't mean

I can't lay you down, woman ♪

00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,964

♪ And touch your silky skin ♪

00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:22,883

♪ Put my love deep inside you ♪

00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:26,095

♪ Where no man has ever been ♪

00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:27,638

♪ Rub your legs ♪

00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,724

♪ Caress your thighs, and-- ♪

00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,227

What were we

talking about again?

00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,145

The new kid.

- Death to the holy.

00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,565

The wrath of the fallen angels

now waits for you all!

00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,150

Whoa!

00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:43,070

Oh, that is one

fudged-up little cracker.

00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,446

We told you, dude.

00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:48,992

We've got to do

something, children!

00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,787

He's tearing

my cafeteria apart.

00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,539

Bring me Jesus!

00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:57,501

My wrath shall continue

until I speak with Jesus!

00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,002

Jesus?

00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:01,171

Two minutes

to air, Jesus.

00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:02,756

Thanks Roland,

blessed art thou.

00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,466

Jesus, Jesus!

- Hi kids.

00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,009

I only do autographs

after the show.

00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,011

No, no, there's

a big problem at school.

00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,888

Some new kid showed up

wearing all black.

00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:11,640

And Chef thinks he's evil.

00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,267

Yeah, look what he did

to our friend Kenny.

00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:16,228

Wow, that's pretty heavy.

00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,021

This new kid, he just keeps

throwing things around,

00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:20,107

and saying stuff about his

"Dark Prince" father coming.

00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:21,525

He says he wants

to talk to you.

00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,694

- The Dark Prince?

- Yeah.

00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,113

So it was written.

And so the cycle of years

00:07:26,238 --> 00:07:28,031

brings the son of the evil one.

00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:29,825

Oh brother, now he's talking

like the new kid.

00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,035

Thou must taketh me

to the seedling of Satan

00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:34,872

so mine eyes can confirm

the wretched truth.

00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:37,666

'Kay.

00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,460

Five minutes

00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:43,338

until recess is over,

you little bastards.

00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:44,965

Now, as you can see

00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,926

the Red Mega Man uses

the Mega Cycle,

00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:50,637

which is what Clyde will

be getting me for my birthday.

00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,306

Wendy,

you were supposed to get me

00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:55,225

the Mega Power Chopper,

illustrated here.

00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:58,020

But I'm changing your present

to the Yellow Mega Man,

00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:01,440

since Kenny has been turned

into a duck-billed platypus.

00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:05,194

That means that the Mega Man

Beach House illustrated here,

00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,446

will be a gift given

by two people at once

00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:08,906

since it costs more money.

00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:11,283

Our slide!

00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,286

Feel my wrath!

00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,121

Oh, dear, you shouldn't

be so upset, Damien.

00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,581

I know it's hard being

the new kid,

00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,541

but the children

may accept you some day.

00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,169

I don't need acceptance

I'm the son of Satan.

00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,463

Believe me, I know what

it's like not to have friends.

00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,048

Perhaps you should speak

to the school counselor.

00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,758

He helps me a lot

when I'm feeling lonely.

00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,051

Damien!

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,011

Aah, son of stench.

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,387

Cursed ruler of the weak.

00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:35,057

So it is thou.

Son of Lucifer!

00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,059

Your time on this earth

is short.

00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,602

Soon, my father comes.

00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,063

Let him come, then.

I shall stop him.

00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,482

Behold,

he is already upon us.

00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,610

Oh dude!

00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,703

What the hell's

going on here?

00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,081

Look it's that guy from

the public access show.

00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,541

What's happening?

00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,334

Come over here

if you're scared, women.

00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,002

I'll protect you.

00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,420

Not you, damn it!

00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,552

Jesus, my father says

he chooses you.

00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,844

He calls you out.

00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:14,805

Be here at this time tomorrow.

00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,431

There the terms

will be discussed.

00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,392

Very well.

Let the final battle

00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,143

between good and evil

be fought,

00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:22,145

right here in South Park!

00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,648

C'mon Ned, we gotta get

our asses to the bookie!

00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,400

You're gonna fight Satan?

00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,819

This fight has been ordained

since the beginning.

00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:32,281

My children, this is most

crucial and serious time

00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:33,865

of all history.

00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:36,702

Who will win our souls?

00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,537

Our savior and lord...

- Or the Prince of Darkness?

00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:39,997

It's the final battle

between good and evil.

00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,790

And it's only

on pay-per-view.

00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,625

Jesus vs. Satan

00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,252

Live from the

South Park Forum on Saturday!

00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:48,463

Call now to order.

Only $49.95.

00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,966

Hey, wait a minute.

Saturday is my birthday party!

00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,509

They can't have

the fight on Saturday!

00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:53,969

I don't know

00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,679

what to do, dude.

Do we go to the fight

00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,931

or Cartman's birthday?

- Cartman's birthday.

00:09:58,056 --> 00:09:59,558

We can't miss the final

apocalyptic battle

00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,393

between good and evil.

- You guys,

00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,145

my mom's getting

a Ferris wheel.

00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,939

Well, c'mon we have to

at least see the weigh-in.

00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,316

Who the hell decided

the fight

00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:09,109

had to be on Saturday, huh?

00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:10,777

This whole thing is a plot

against me, isn't it?

00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,533

When is Satan gonna show up?

00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,493

Did the devil show up yet?

- Not yet.

00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,412

Hey Jesus,

if you win the fight

00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,998

can you turn Kenny

back to normal?

00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,958

What the hell do you mean

"if" I win the fight?

00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,960

Don't mind him, Jesus.

He's Jewish.

00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,795

Oh.

- We're all with you Jesus.

00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,798

We put every dime we have on

you beating that Dark Prince.

00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:34,051

Thank you for your faith,

00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,844

but I think perhaps

you don't understand

00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,346

the severity of the situation.

00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:39,848

You're gonna kick his ass,

Jesus.

00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,480

Behold,

the evil one approaches.

00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,527

Holy poop-on-a-stick!

00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,905

Puny son of Jehovah.

00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:58,992

Prepare to enter

thy house of pain.

00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,038

Holy crap, dude.

Satan is huge!

00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,999

Now that is a man

who has eaten a lot of beef.

00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:07,751

Son of God,

00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,338

I will smash thy face

into small little bits.

00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:13,507

Oh...oh, yeah?

- Damn.

00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:15,884

I have

such delightful horrors

00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,595

to unleash upon thee.

00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,097

Oh, yeah?

00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,476

Satan weighs in at...

00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:27,896

320 pounds, 4 ounces.

00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,485

Jesus Christ weighs in at...

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,113

135 pounds, 1 ounce.

00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:38,448

Oh, crap.

00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:40,283

Ah, c'mon,

I weigh more than that!

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:43,870

Let the new prince

be decided on Saturday.

00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:47,457

First South Park,

then the world.

00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,379

Well, I think I'll...

00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,089

I think I left the oven on.

00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,968

Yeah, I think

I left your oven on, too.

00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,723

See you Saturday, Jesus.

Good luck.

00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,643

Change my bet!

- Put my money on the devil!

00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,437

I want to change my bet

to Satan.

00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,856

Me too.

- Hey, wait. I was here first.

00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:13,442

Now, as your counselor,

00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:17,279

I want you to feel like you can

tell me anything, m'kay?

00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,197

Being the new kid can be tough,

00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:22,617

but I'm your friend, m'kay?

- Everybody hates me.

00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:26,079

Well why do you suppose

that is?

00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:27,622

Because I'm the son

of the devil?

00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:30,292

Uh-huh, that's a good start.

Why else?

00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,544

Because I burn them

and kill them?

00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,463

Well, yeah, maybe that's it.

00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,923

What you need to do, Damien

00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,009

is to be overly nice.

00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:42,137

No matter how mean

the other kids are to you,

00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,889

just don't retaliate.

00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,682

Be passive, m'kay.

00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,684

That's what I taught

the little British boy, Pip,

00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:51,104

and just look at how much the

other children like him now.

00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,607

I bet I can

spit the most on him.

00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:56,651

Oh yeah, I bet I can

spit in his hair.

00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,362

Nice try, a little higher

and you've got it.

00:12:59,488 --> 00:13:02,115

Man, recess sucks

without any slides or nothing.

00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,409

Oh, here comes the

unholy butthole now.

00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,077

Hey, thanks a lot

00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:07,996

for burning everything down,

you little bitch.

00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,373

I apologize

for ruining your playground

00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:13,001

and turning your friend

into a duck-billed platypus.

00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,503

I was doing my

father's bidding.

00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,171

I didn't have a choice.

00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,633

Oh, excuse me, new kid

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:22,928

I didn't mean to fart on you

I didn't have a choice.

00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,639

Hoo, you stink, new kid.

You smell like a fart.

00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:28,016

Yeah, we're gonna call you

Fartboy from now on.

00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,851

Bye-bye, Fartboy.

- See ya.

00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,645

Good day.

How are you, Damien?

00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,563

Those guys farted on me

and then called me--

00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,065

Fartboy?

Oh, good.

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,775

Perhaps they won't

call me that anymore.

00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:44,324

Excuse me...

00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,535

I just talked to the bookie

at the sports betting bar.

00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:48,662

Uh-oh.

00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:51,331

I have been forsaken!

It seems that several bets

00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,708

were changed to Satan

this morning.

00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,378

In fact it seems that

only one person

00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,797

in this entire town

is still betting on me.

00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,383

You should all be ashamed

of yourselves.

00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,301

Betting against

your lord and savior.

00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,928

I am disgusted!

00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,721

Your bet was

changed as well.

00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,139

You forsaked me too.

00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,392

Oh.

Right, well...

00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,561

he does have a couple hundred

pounds on you, Jesus.

00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,146

I implore you all,

don't bet on the Dark One.

00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,815

It is a bet that

you will never win.

00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:19,442

Jesus, I am sorry

I have sinned against you.

00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:21,278

I'm gonna march right over

to that bookie

00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,737

and change my bet right now.

00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,823

Oh, yeah, yeah me too.

Me too.

00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,284

Yeah.

- Praise the Lord!

00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:30,871

Thank you sweet Jesus

for showing us the light!

00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:33,123

See you later.

00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:36,668

What the hell does he think,

we're all crazy?

00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,170

Yeah, crazy.

00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,756

This show's gay.

- Yeah.

00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,925

You're all

a bunch of Judases.

00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,510

Hey Jesus.

00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,137

What are you doing

out so late, kids?

00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:48,680

We have to find

Red and Green Mega Mans

00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,432

for Cartman's birthday party.

- Oh.

00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,518

Kids, you believe

I can beat Satan, right?

00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:55,228

Sure, dude.

You're the son of god!

00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:57,188

Yeah. You aren't having

any doubts, are you?

00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,690

N-no, no.

00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,610

But could you help me train

a little?

00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:05,530

Satan, what do expect

the outcome of the fight to be?

00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:08,867

I will crush him

like a little bug.

00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:11,161

Satan, what about

the rumors of your involvement

00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:13,830

in the Gulf War?

00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,790

Let's focus on the fight,

can we please?

00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,501

I'm so sick of people talking

smack about my fighters.

00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,670

All this, "He's mean",

"He's a dirty fighter",

00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,339

"He's the cause

for all the violence and death

00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,174

in the world."

It's just getting old.

00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:27,469

Let's just let everything

be decided in the ring.

00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,346

You guys,

shouldn't you be out shopping

00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:31,181

for my birthday presents?

- Here, Jesus,

00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,433

drink these raw eggs.

- No way, dude.

00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:35,310

I-I can't.

00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,895

I can't hit Jesus Christ.

00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,230

My mother would never

speak to me again.

00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:40,774

But you're his

sparing partner, Chef.

00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,067

Yeah, you have to hit him.

00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,818

Satan must be defeated, Chef.

00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,613

Please help me to train.

- Okay...

00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,949

But I'm just gonna tap you,

all right?

00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:50,408

Give it your best shot--oh!

00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,370

Oh, God in heaven.

What have I done?

00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:55,914

Anybody get the number

of that truck?

00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,506

C'mon kiddies, eat more.

00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,092

Welcome, Clyde.

Please put your present

00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:08,718

on the table to your left.

00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:11,346

Welcome, Debbie.

Presents go to your left.

00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,597

Welcome, Chef.

- Yep.

00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,307

Here's your present, children.

00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,810

Well, nice party.

See you later.

00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,353

Hey, you just got here, Chef.

00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,563

I know,

but the fight is starting.

00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:23,316

But, dude, check it out.

Cartman's mom made chili.

00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,527

Mm.

- Mmm.

00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,862

That's my favorite

kind of chili.

00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,448

I guess all the kids are at

that fat boy's birthday party.

00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,283

Yes.

It's always such a huge event.

00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:33,910

Sometimes I like

to sneak up to the fence

00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:36,037

and close my eyes

and pretend I'm there.

00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,706

The other kids

have always hated you?

00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,666

Oh, yes.

Actually, I think they make fun

00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,793

of the fat boy a lot too.

But now I think they like him

00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,211

because he picks on me.

00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:49,009

In the blue corner,

wearing white trunks,

00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:52,554

weighing in

at a mere 140 pounds,

00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,847

Jesús

00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:55,932

"El Savior"

00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,934

Christ.

00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,772

And in the very, very,

black corner

00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,191

wearing very,

very black trunks.

00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,861

The king of all

that is evil...

00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:11,406

Beelzebub!

00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:18,288

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:23,668

let's get ready to rumble!

00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:25,587

Okay, I want a good,

clean fight, guys.

00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,423

No punches below the belt,

holding, or miracles.

00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:35,013

Hey! What the hell

do you think you're doing here?

00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,015

Yeah you aren't invited,

new kid.

00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,184

And neither are you, Pip.

- Yes, I tried to tell Damien

00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:40,685

that we weren't invited, but--

- Wait a minute.

00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,270

Give me a chance!

00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,606

I want to do something special

for your party!

00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,655

Oh, no!

00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:57,619

Wow.

- Whoa, that was cool.

00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:00,455

Hey, you're not

such a bad guy,

00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,998

after all, Damien.

- Yeah.

00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:04,501

Come on in

and join the party.

00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,171

Oh!

00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:12,717

Oh!

00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,890

C'mon you little wuss,

fight!

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,767

Throw a punch.

00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:24,479

Oh, I wonder what Stan got me

for my birthday present.

00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:28,233

Oh, look a Blue Mega Man!

Thank you, Stan.

00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:31,277

You may eat pie and cake

and ice cream now.

00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,862

And what did Wendy get me?

00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:35,657

Oh, it's the Yellow Mega Man!

00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,159

Help yourself to pie, cake,

and ice cream, Wendy.

00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,036

Oh, look what Kyle got me.

00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:41,663

It's a Red Mega--

00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,748

Ants in the Pants?

Ants in the pan--

00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,166

Ants in the pants!

00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,584

It's game, dude.

It's really fun!

00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,878

You son of a bitch!

- Ah!

00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:51,005

You were supposed to get me

the Red Mega Man!

00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,049

Now I can't make

Ultra Mega Mega Man!

00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,968

You dirty, cheap-ass,

piece of crap.

00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:56,427

They were all out of 'em,

dude!

00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:58,930

I hate you!

I want you to die!

00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,306

Die!

00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,225

That's it!

Party is over!

00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,060

Everybody go home!

00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:09,983

Get the hell out I said!

00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:12,694

Party's over!

Get out God damn it!

00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,279

Whoa, dude,

you need to mellow out.

00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:16,781

Take your stupid

Ants in the Pants with you!

00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:19,325

Wow, that kid has

some real emotional problems.

00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:20,785

Ah, he does this

all the time.

00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,620

C'mon children,

we can still catch

00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:25,123

the end of the fight.

00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,710

Oh, what a splendid party!

00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:32,672

Oh!

00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,465

Fight, damn it.

00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,846

Ow!

00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,558

Dude, Jesus is getting

his butt kicked.

00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,269

You've got to fight, Jesus.

00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:47,896

Why, what's the point?

00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,230

No one believes in me.

00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,940

Everyone put their money

on Satan.

00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:53,401

My father forsaked me,

the town forsaked me.

00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,195

I'm completely forsook.

00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,113

Somebody bet on you, Jesus.

You said yourself

00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,907

that one person

still has money on you.

00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,533

It doesn't matter.

He's way too strong

00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:02,118

for me anyway

I give up.

00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:03,912

God damn it, Jesus,

snap out of it!

00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:05,496

What would Nancy Kerrigan do,

huh?

00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:06,998

Nancy Kerrigan

wouldn't give up.

00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,583

When things were

looking their darkest

00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,168

Nancy Kerrigan fought

to be the best.

00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:12,086

She wouldn't stop

until she was number one.

00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:13,546

Uh, Stan.

- Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't

00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:15,340

settle for second best.

- Stan.

00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:16,633

She wouldn't quit until

she brought home the gold.

00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,134

Stan!

- What?

00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,677

Nancy Kerrigan got

the silver, dude.

00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,638

She came in second.

00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,307

Really?

- Yeah, dude.

00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,476

Oh, never mind, Jesus.

Nancy Kerrigan sucks.

00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,812

You know, somebody once said,

00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:33,149

"Don't try to be a great man.

Just be a man."

00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:35,944

Who said that?

- You did, Jesus.

00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,740

You're right, Stan.

00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,200

Thank you, boys.

00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,204

Wow, did he say that

in the Bible?

00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,289

No, I saw it on "Star Trek."

- Hmm.

00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,877

C'mon, sissy, hit me!

Hit me.

00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:55,713

Okay, pal, you asked for it.

00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,472

Oh, you got me.

00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,891

One, two, three...

00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,394

No way!

He barely touched him.

00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:11,271

Seven, eight...

- Aww, come on!

00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:12,689

Nine, ten.

- This is ridiculous.

00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:13,815

You're out!

00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:18,236

Our savior!

- The winner by knockout

00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:22,699

and still undisputed ruler

of your spiritual kingdom.

00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,450

Jesús

00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:27,120

"El Savior"

00:21:27,245 --> 00:21:28,830

Christ.

00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:32,792

Hey, he isn't hurt.

He took a dive.

00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,752

He threw the fight.

- Yeah!

00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,213

Fools.

You are all fools.

00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:39,048

Of course I took a dive.

00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:40,925

Don't you see?

Who do you think was

00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:44,595

the one person

that bet on Jesus to win?

00:21:46,389 --> 00:21:48,099

Me, you idiots.

00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:50,643

And now I will take all

your hard-earned money,

00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:53,479

and return to hell a much

richer Prince of Darkness

00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,357

and buy some real estate.

Ha, ha,ha, ha!

00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,859

I don't believe this!

00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:00,028

Yeah.

What a mean thing to do.

00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:01,904

Farewell, fools.

00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:05,575

Man, that guy is a jerk.

00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,618

Jesus told you guys

not to bet on Satan.

00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:09,662

Boy, did we get screwed.

00:22:09,787 --> 00:22:11,622

Jesus, we're sorry.

00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:14,709

Can you ever forgive us?

00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,295

Aw, heck,

do I have a choice?

00:22:19,339 --> 00:22:21,799

Well Jesus,

I definitely learned my lesson.

00:22:21,924 --> 00:22:24,385

Never bet on evil

because when you do--

00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:25,928

Ned, look!

00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:28,014

There's a rare

duck-billed platypus!

00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,766

It's coming right for us!

00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:34,062

Oh, my God.

They killed Kenny.

00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,563

You bastard!

00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:37,231

Well, good-bye, guys.

00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,733

It was nice

getting to know you.

00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:40,818

You're leaving already?

- I have to.

00:22:40,943 --> 00:22:43,488

My dad is always on the move.

- Wow.

00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:45,114

I feel kind of bad

for that kid.

00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574

Yeah, just when

he was being accepted

00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:48,242

he has to leave

and start over.

00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:50,203

Parents can be so cruel.

Don't they realize that

00:22:50,328 --> 00:22:52,872

what a child needs more

than anything is security?

00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:55,083

More pie, hon?

00:22:57,251 --> 00:23:00,963

No...more...pie.

00:00:05,256 --> 00:00:06,632

That was a hoot and a holler.

00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,217

Did you like that

"South Park"-ateers?

00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,593

children: You bet!

- That sure was

00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:11,178

a good episode, wasn't it?

00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:13,097

But this next episode

is our favorite episode.

00:00:13,222 --> 00:00:14,557

It's called "Damien" and it's

about

00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,392

the ultimate fight

between good and evil.

00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,394

But more than that, it's about

being the new kid in school.

00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,354

That's right,

"South Park"-ateers.

00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:23,024

You know, being the new kid

in school sure can be hard.

00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:24,817

Matt and I know

from first-hand experience

00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,402

because, well,

we used to beat

00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,112

the crap out of the new kids

all the time.

00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:30,656

And because the episode has

Jesus and Satan in it,

00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:32,366

well, we received

a lot of complaints

00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:34,535

from religious organizations

from around the country.

00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,413

They said we were being

blasphemous and sacrilegious.

00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,958

To which we say, well,

you're all a bunch of [bleep]

00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:45,504

Christian [bleep]-heads.

00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:47,923

Wow, you said

a mouthful there.

00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,968

Oh, hey, gang, it's our

friend Indian companion.

00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:53,304

Someone coming.

00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,640

We don't care.

00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:58,017

We don't care that

someone's coming.

00:00:58,142 --> 00:00:59,810

Can't you say something else?

00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,854

It's always "Someone coming,"

"Someone coming."

00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,230

We don't care.

We--I hope someone comes.

00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:04,899

We like people.

00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:07,151

Kids, let's all tell

Indian companion to go away.

00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:10,279

children: Go away,

Indian companion!

00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,282

Well, now why don't

we all sit back

00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:16,035

and get a little rowdy

and watch "Damien."

00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,662

Yee-haw!

00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:20,539

[popping]

children: Hooray!

00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,299

[twangy music]

00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:31,801

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,719

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,471

all: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,014

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,474

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,309

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,019

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,521

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,022

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,774

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:01:46,899 --> 00:01:49,944

[singing indistinctly]

00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,445

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,656

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,992

[humming]

Here you go, Kyle.

00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,620

And here's your, Stan.

- What is this, Cartman?

00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:01,038

They're invitations

to my birthday party

00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,873

this weekend.

- Oh, sweet.

00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,834

Your mom's giving you

a big party again this year?

00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,294

That's right.

♪ 'Cause it's my birthday ♪

00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:10,381

♪ My b-b-b-birthday ♪♪♪

- Kick ass, dude.

00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,633

Cartman's mom throws

the best birthday parties ever!

00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,844

That's right.

- Yeah, if my mom could cook

00:02:14,969 --> 00:02:17,346

like Cartman's mom,

I'd be a big, fat-ass too.

00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,889

That's ri--hey!

00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:20,766

Oh, Eric,

I didn't get an invitation.

00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:22,518

Oh really?

00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,396

Gosh, where could I have put

Pip's invitation?

00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:27,648

Let's see...

Pip's invitation,

00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,441

Pip's invitation...

00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:30,943

Oh, I remember.

00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,695

I shoved it up my ass!

00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,697

Yes, that's right,

I wrote it out,

00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,365

put it in an envelope,

sealed it,

00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,659

and then, bloop,

shoved it right up my ass.

00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,119

Forever ruining

any chance you had

00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:41,704

of coming to my birthday party.

00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,497

Sorry Pip, old chap.

00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:47,293

Here's yours Wendy

and here's yours Clyde.

00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:50,212

Children, children,

today is a very special day.

00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,256

No, my birthday

isn't until Saturday.

00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,383

I'm not talking

about your birthday, Eric.

00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:57,178

We have a new student

joining our class today.

00:02:57,303 --> 00:02:59,180

Ugh.

- Now, some of you know

00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:01,056

what it's like

to be the new kid in town.

00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:02,850

So I want you all

to take special care

00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,602

to make him feel welcome.

00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,271

I want you all

to meet our new classmate--

00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,190

uh, what's your name again?

00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:12,318

Damien.

[scary chanting]

00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:16,572

Say hi to Damien.

00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,407

And where are you from, Damien?

00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,368

The seventh layer of hell.

- Oh that's exciting.

00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:22,953

My mother was from Alabama.

00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,331

My arrival denotes

end of the beginning.

00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:26,707

The beginning of the end.

00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,334

The new reign of my father.

00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:30,669

Your father?

- The Prince of Darkness.

00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,838

Wow, we have royalty

in our class.

00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,423

Why don't you

take your seat, Damien.

00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,217

We're gonna finish our lesson

on great singers

00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,302

of the Baroque era.

00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:41,805

Now children, Nancy Sinatra was

quite a choice piece of ass...

00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:43,933

Hey, new kid,

do you want an invitation

00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:46,685

to my birthday party?

- Here begins the rule of pain.

00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,270

The new domination of--

- Psyche!

00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,939

I wasn't gonna give

you an invitation.

00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:51,523

[cackles]

00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,401

Hey, who cut your hair,

Stevie Wonder?

00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,446

[scary chanting]

00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,031

[shouts]

00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,242

Whoa, dude!

- Damn, what a freak!

00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:03,577

- Hey, I had a Poofy Pie

in that desk!

00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,913

Now feel the wrath

of the fallen angel.

00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:07,873

The plague of blight

is upon thee.

00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:10,876

Damien, do you need to sit

in time out for a few minutes?

00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,587

Heh.

♪ You got in trouble ♪

00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,381

♪ You got in trouble ♪

00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,759

Hey, Cartman, how come

the birthday invitation

00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,636

you gave me says,

"Green Mega Man"?

00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,429

Yeah, mine says,

"Red Mega Man".

00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,098

Right, that's what

you're supposed to get me

00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:26,141

for my birthday.

- Dude...[scoffs]

00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,768

You're not supposed

to tell people what to get you

00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,561

for your birthday.

- Yeah, that's weak.

00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,105

Look, it's very simple, guys.

00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,982

Green Mega Man

goes with Red Mega Man

00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,693

and Yellow Mega Man to make

the Ultra Mega Mega Man.

00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:37,945

You have to have all three

or it doesn't work, see?

00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,155

Up yours, Cartman, I'll get

you whatever the hell I want.

00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:43,117

Oh, so maybe you don't want

to have any of my mom's

00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:44,702

cake pan ice cream, then.

00:04:44,827 --> 00:04:46,578

Oh, Green Mega Man it is.

00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:48,205

Now as you can see Kenny,

00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,457

you are to get me

Yellow Mega Man.

00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,710

That's because Yellow Mega Man

is the cheapest one,

00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:55,546

and I know how poor

your family is.

00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,423

Hey, what you think

you're doing, new kid?

00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,341

Yeah you can't

sit with us, weirdo.

00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:02,177

Infidels! I will turn you all

into beasts of burden!

00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,637

You can't sit us

with us new kid.

00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,806

Go find another table.

- [scoffs]

00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:08,767

Any way Kenny,

Yellow Mega Man is only 8.95.

00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:10,477

So maybe your mom

can put it on layaway

00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,937

and make payments

for a year or two.

00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:15,024

[all laugh]

00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,359

Hey!

Oh, good day, Damien.

00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,403

My name is Phillip,

but everyone calls me "Pip",

00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,530

because they hate me!

- Then I will call you Pip.

00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,158

Right-o.

- Hey, new kid.

00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:26,869

Kenny says he saw your mom

drop you off this morning,

00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,039

and she's a real dog.

- [mumbling]

00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:31,915

That does it!

Woof-ah!

00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:35,085

[scary chanting]

00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:38,213

What the--

- Dude, he turned Kenny

00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:39,548

into a duck-billed platypus!

00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,300

A what?

- [quacks]

00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,635

Hey, turn him back,

you butthole.

00:05:43,761 --> 00:05:45,471

He has to buy me

the Yellow Mega Man.

00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:46,889

Hello there, children.

00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,390

Hey, Chef.

- How's it going?

00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,975

Bad.

- Why bad?

00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,310

Chef, there's

a new kid in school

00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,062

and he's a total weirdo freak.

00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,855

Oh, children, children.

00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,523

You shouldn't not like somebody

00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,275

just because they're different.

00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,944

Here let me sing you

a little song.

00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:02,571

[upbeat piano music]

00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,366

♪ We're all special

in our own way ♪

00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:07,910

♪ Everybody's different

but that's okay ♪

00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,372

♪ 'Cause even though we might

have different color skin ♪

00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:14,083

♪ Different points of views,

be tall or thin ♪

00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:17,586

♪ It doesn't mean

I can't lay you down, woman ♪

00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,964

♪ And touch your silky skin ♪

00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:22,883

♪ Put my love deep inside you ♪

00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:26,095

♪ Where no man has ever been ♪

00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:27,638

♪ Rub your legs ♪

00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,724

♪ Caress your thighs, and-- ♪

00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,227

What were we

talking about again?

00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,145

The new kid.

- Death to the holy.

00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,565

The wrath of the fallen angels

now waits for you all!

00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,150

Whoa!

00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:43,070

Oh, that is one

fudged-up little cracker.

00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,446

We told you, dude.

00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:46,824

[kids screaming]

00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:48,992

We've got to do

something, children!

00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,787

He's tearing

my cafeteria apart.

00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,539

Bring me Jesus!

00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:57,501

My wrath shall continue

until I speak with Jesus!

00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,002

both: Jesus?

00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:01,171

Two minutes

to air, Jesus.

00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:02,756

Thanks Roland,

blessed art thou.

00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,466

Jesus, Jesus!

- Hi kids.

00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,009

I only do autographs

after the show.

00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,011

No, no, there's

a big problem at school.

00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,888

Some new kid showed up

wearing all black.

00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:11,640

And Chef thinks he's evil.

00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,267

Yeah, look what he did

to our friend Kenny.

00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:16,228

[quacks]

- Wow, that's pretty heavy.

00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,021

This new kid, he just keeps

throwing things around,

00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:20,107

and saying stuff about his

"Dark Prince" father coming.

00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:21,525

He says he wants

to talk to you.

00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,694

The Dark Prince?

both: Yeah.

00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,113

So it was written.

And so the cycle of years

00:07:26,238 --> 00:07:28,031

brings the son of the evil one.

00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:29,825

Oh brother, now he's talking

like the new kid.

00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,035

Thou must taketh me

to the seedling of Satan

00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:34,872

so mine eyes can confirm

the wretched truth.

00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:37,666

'Kay.

00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,460

[whistle blows]

Five minutes

00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:43,338

until recess is over,

you little bastards.

00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:44,965

Now, as you can see

00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,926

the Red Mega Man uses

the Mega Cycle,

00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:50,637

which is what Clyde will

be getting me for my birthday.

00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,306

Wendy,

you were supposed to get me

00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:55,225

the Mega Power Chopper,

illustrated here.

00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:58,020

But I'm changing your present

to the Yellow Mega Man,

00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:01,440

since Kenny has been turned

into a duck-billed platypus.

00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:05,194

That means that the Mega Man

Beach House illustrated here,

00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,446

will be a gift given

by two people at once

00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:08,906

since it costs more money.

[scary chanting]

00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:11,283

[shouts]

- Our slide!

00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,286

Feel my wrath!

[both shout]

00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,121

Oh, dear, you shouldn't

be so upset, Damien.

00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,581

I know it's hard being

the new kid,

00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,541

but the children

may accept you some day.

00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,169

I don't need acceptance

I'm the son of Satan.

00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,463

Believe me, I know what

it's like not to have friends.

00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,048

Perhaps you should speak

to the school counselor.

00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,758

He helps me a lot

when I'm feeling lonely.

00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:29,051

Damien!

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,011

Aah, son of stench.

00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,387

Cursed ruler of the weak.

00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:35,057

So it is thou.

Son of Lucifer!

00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,059

Your time on this earth

is short.

00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,602

Soon, my father comes.

00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,063

Let him come, then.

I shall stop him.

00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,482

Behold,

he is already upon us.

00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:45,025

[lightning crackles]

00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,610

Oh dude!

00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,738

[evil voice

speaking foreign language]

00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,703

What the hell's

going on here?

00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,081

Look it's that guy from

the public access show.

00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,541

What's happening?

00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,334

Come over here

if you're scared, women.

00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,002

I'll protect you.

00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,420

Not you, damn it!

00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,674

[evil voice continues]

00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,552

Jesus, my father says

he chooses you.

00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:12,844

He calls you out.

00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:14,805

Be here at this time tomorrow.

00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,431

There the terms

will be discussed.

00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,392

Very well.

Let the final battle

00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:20,143

between good and evil

be fought,

00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:22,145

right here in South Park!

00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,648

C'mon Ned, we gotta get

our asses to the bookie!

00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,400

You're gonna fight Satan?

00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,819

This fight has been ordained

since the beginning.

00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:32,281

My children, this is most

crucial and serious time

00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:33,865

of all history.

00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:36,702

Who will win our souls?

00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,537

Our savior and lord...

- Or the Prince of Darkness?

00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:39,997

It's the final battle

between good and evil.

00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,790

And it's only

on pay-per-view.

00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,625

Jesus vs. Satan

00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,252

Live from the

South Park Forum on Saturday!

00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:48,463

Call now to order.

Only $49.95.

00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,966

Hey, wait a minute.

Saturday is my birthday party!

00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,509

They can't have

the fight on Saturday!

00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:53,969

[quacks]

- I don't know

00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,679

what to do, dude.

Do we go to the fight

00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,931

or Cartman's birthday?

- Cartman's birthday.

00:09:58,056 --> 00:09:59,558

We can't miss the final

apocalyptic battle

00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,393

between good and evil.

- You guys,

00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,145

my mom's getting

a Ferris wheel.

00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,939

Well, c'mon we have to

at least see the weigh-in.

00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,316

Who the hell decided

the fight

00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:09,109

had to be on Saturday, huh?

00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:10,777

This whole thing is a plot

against me, isn't it?

00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,533

When is Satan gonna show up?

00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,493

Did the devil show up yet?

- Not yet.

00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,412

Hey Jesus,

if you win the fight

00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,998

can you turn Kenny

back to normal?

00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,958

What the hell do you mean

"if" I win the fight?

00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,960

Don't mind him, Jesus.

He's Jewish.

00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,795

Oh.

- We're all with you Jesus.

00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,798

We put every dime we have on

you beating that Dark Prince.

00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:34,051

[applause]

Thank you for your faith,

00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,844

but I think perhaps

you don't understand

00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,346

the severity of the situation.

00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:39,848

You're gonna kick his ass,

Jesus.

00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,558

[cheers and applause]

00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,685

[scary chanting]

00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,480

Behold,

the evil one approaches.

00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:49,191

[growls]

00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,527

[crowd gasp]

Holy poop-on-a-stick!

00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:54,905

Puny son of Jehovah.

00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:58,992

Prepare to enter

thy house of pain.

00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,038

Holy crap, dude.

Satan is huge!

00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,999

Now that is a man

who has eaten a lot of beef.

00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:07,751

Son of God,

00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,338

I will smash thy face

into small little bits.

00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:13,507

Oh...oh, yeah?

- Damn.

00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:15,884

I have

such delightful horrors

00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,595

to unleash upon thee.

00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,097

Oh, yeah?

00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,476

Satan weighs in at...

00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:27,896

320 pounds, 4 ounces.

00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,649

[crowd gasps]

00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:33,485

Jesus Christ weighs in at...

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,113

135 pounds, 1 ounce.

00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:38,448

[crowd groans]

Oh, crap.

00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:40,283

Ah, c'mon,

I weigh more than that!

00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:43,870

Let the new prince

be decided on Saturday.

00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:47,457

First South Park,

then the world.

00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,379

Well, I think I'll...

00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,089

I think I left the oven on.

00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,968

Yeah, I think

I left your oven on, too.

00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,723

See you Saturday, Jesus.

Good luck.

00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,643

Change my bet!

- Put my money on the devil!

00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,437

I want to change my bet

to Satan.

00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,856

Me too.

- Hey, wait. I was here first.

00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:13,442

Now, as your counselor,

00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:17,279

I want you to feel like you can

tell me anything, m'kay?

00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,197

Being the new kid can be tough,

00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:22,617

but I'm your friend, m'kay?

- Everybody hates me.

00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:26,079

Well why do you suppose

that is?

00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:27,622

Because I'm the son

of the devil?

00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:30,292

Uh-huh, that's a good start.

Why else?

00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,544

Because I burn them

and kill them?

00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,463

Well, yeah, maybe that's it.

00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,923

What you need to do, Damien

00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,009

is to be overly nice.

00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:42,137

No matter how mean

the other kids are to you,

00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,889

just don't retaliate.

00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:45,682

Be passive, m'kay.

00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,684

That's what I taught

the little British boy, Pip,

00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:51,104

and just look at how much the

other children like him now.

00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,607

I bet I can

spit the most on him.

00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:56,651

Oh yeah, I bet I can

spit in his hair.

00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,362

Nice try, a little higher

and you've got it.

00:12:59,488 --> 00:13:02,115

Man, recess sucks

without any slides or nothing.

00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,409

Oh, here comes the

unholy butthole now.

00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,077

Hey, thanks a lot

00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:07,996

for burning everything down,

you little bitch.

00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,373

I apologize

for ruining your playground

00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:13,001

and turning your friend

into a duck-billed platypus.

00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,503

I was doing my

father's bidding.

00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,171

I didn't have a choice.

00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,633

[farts]

Oh, excuse me, new kid

00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:22,928

I didn't mean to fart on you

I didn't have a choice.

00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,639

Hoo, you stink, new kid.

You smell like a fart.

00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:28,016

Yeah, we're gonna call you

Fartboy from now on.

00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,851

Bye-bye, Fartboy.

- See ya.

00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,645

Good day.

How are you, Damien?

00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,563

Those guys farted on me

and then called me--

00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,065

Fartboy?

Oh, good.

00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,775

Perhaps they won't

call me that anymore.

00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:39,361

[twangy music]

00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,530

[indistinct chatter]

00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:44,324

[clears throat]

Excuse me...

00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,535

I just talked to the bookie

at the sports betting bar.

00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:48,662

Uh-oh.

[all whistle]

00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:51,331

I have been forsaken!

It seems that several bets

00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,708

were changed to Satan

this morning.

00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,378

In fact it seems that

only one person

00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,797

in this entire town

is still betting on me.

00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,383

You should all be ashamed

of yourselves.

00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,301

Betting against

your lord and savior.

00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,928

I am disgusted!

00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,721

Your bet was

changed as well.

00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,139

You forsaked me too.

00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,392

Oh.

Right, well...

00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,561

he does have a couple hundred

pounds on you, Jesus.

00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,146

I implore you all,

don't bet on the Dark One.

00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,815

It is a bet that

you will never win.

00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:19,442

Jesus, I am sorry

I have sinned against you.

00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:21,278

I'm gonna march right over

to that bookie

00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,737

and change my bet right now.

00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,823

Oh, yeah, yeah me too.

Me too.

00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,284

Yeah.

- Praise the Lord!

00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:30,871

Thank you sweet Jesus

for showing us the light!

00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:33,123

See you later.

00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:36,668

What the hell does he think,

we're all crazy?

00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,170

[all chuckling]

- Yeah, crazy.

00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,756

This show's gay.

- Yeah.

00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,925

You're all

a bunch of Judases.

00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,510

Hey Jesus.

00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,137

What are you doing

out so late, kids?

00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:48,680

We have to find

Red and Green Mega Mans

00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,432

for Cartman's birthday party.

- Oh.

00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,518

Kids, you believe

I can beat Satan, right?

00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:55,228

Sure, dude.

You're the son of god!

00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:57,188

Yeah. You aren't having

any doubts, are you?

00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,690

N-no, no.

00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,610

But could you help me train

a little?

00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:05,530

Satan, what do expect

the outcome of the fight to be?

00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:08,867

I will crush him

like a little bug.

00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:11,161

Satan, what about

the rumors of your involvement

00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:13,830

in the Gulf War?

00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,790

Let's focus on the fight,

can we please?

00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,501

I'm so sick of people talking

smack about my fighters.

00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,670

All this, "He's mean",

"He's a dirty fighter",

00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,339

"He's the cause

for all the violence and death

00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,174

in the world."

It's just getting old.

00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:27,469

Let's just let everything

be decided in the ring.

00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,346

You guys,

shouldn't you be out shopping

00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:31,181

for my birthday presents?

- Here, Jesus,

00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,433

drink these raw eggs.

- No way, dude.

00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:35,310

I-I can't.

00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,895

I can't hit Jesus Christ.

00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,230

My mother would never

speak to me again.

00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:40,774

But you're his

sparing partner, Chef.

00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,067

Yeah, you have to hit him.

00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,818

Satan must be defeated, Chef.

00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,613

Please help me to train.

- Okay...

00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,949

But I'm just gonna tap you,

all right?

00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:50,408

Give it your best shot--oh!

00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,370

Oh, God in heaven.

What have I done?

00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:55,914

Anybody get the number

of that truck?

00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:01,503

[upbeat music]

[elephant trumpets]

00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,506

C'mon kiddies, eat more.

00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,092

Welcome, Clyde.

Please put your present

00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:08,718

on the table to your left.

00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:11,346

Welcome, Debbie.

Presents go to your left.

00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,597

Welcome, Chef.

- Yep.

00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,307

Here's your present, children.

00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,810

Well, nice party.

See you later.

00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,353

Hey, you just got here, Chef.

00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,563

I know,

but the fight is starting.

00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:23,316

But, dude, check it out.

Cartman's mom made chili.

00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,527

Mm.

- Mmm.

00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,862

That's my favorite

kind of chili.

00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,448

I guess all the kids are at

that fat boy's birthday party.

00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,283

Yes.

It's always such a huge event.

00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:33,910

Sometimes I like

to sneak up to the fence

00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:36,037

and close my eyes

and pretend I'm there.

00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,706

The other kids

have always hated you?

00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,666

Oh, yes.

Actually, I think they make fun

00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,793

of the fat boy a lot too.

But now I think they like him

00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,211

because he picks on me.

00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,754

[bell dings]

00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,756

[twangy music]

00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:49,009

In the blue corner,

wearing white trunks,

00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:52,554

weighing in

at a mere 140 pounds,

00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,847

Jesús

00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:55,932

"El Savior"

00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,934

Christ.

00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,145

[cheers and applause]

00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,772

And in the very, very,

black corner

00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,191

wearing very,

very black trunks.

00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,861

The king of all

that is evil...

00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:11,406

Beelzebub!

00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,492

[cheers and applause]

00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:18,288

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:23,668

let's get ready to rumble!

00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:25,587

Okay, I want a good,

clean fight, guys.

00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,423

No punches below the belt,

holding, or miracles.

00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,883

[bell dings]

00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:32,802

[carnival music]

[kids shouting]

00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:35,013

Hey! What the hell

do you think you're doing here?

00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:37,015

Yeah you aren't invited,

new kid.

00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,184

And neither are you, Pip.

- Yes, I tried to tell Damien

00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:40,685

that we weren't invited, but--

- Wait a minute.

00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,270

Give me a chance!

00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,606

I want to do something special

for your party!

00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:47,734

[scary chanting]

00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,279

[demonic growling]

00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,655

Oh, no!

00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:55,658

[screams]

00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:57,619

Wow.

- Whoa, that was cool.

00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,120

[cheers and applause]

00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:00,455

Hey, you're not

such a bad guy,

00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,998

after all, Damien.

- Yeah.

00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:04,501

Come on in

and join the party.

00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:06,628

[bell dinging]

[crowd shouting]

00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,171

Oh!

00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:10,423

[dramatic music]

[crowd quiets]

00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:12,717

[crowd shouting]

Oh!

00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:15,804

♪♪

00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,890

C'mon you little wuss,

fight!

00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,767

Throw a punch.

00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:24,479

Oh, I wonder what Stan got me

for my birthday present.

00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:28,233

Oh, look a Blue Mega Man!

Thank you, Stan.

00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:31,277

You may eat pie and cake

and ice cream now.

00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,862

And what did Wendy get me?

00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:35,657

Oh, it's the Yellow Mega Man!

00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,159

Help yourself to pie, cake,

and ice cream, Wendy.

00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,036

Oh, look what Kyle got me.

00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:41,663

It's a Red Mega--

00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,748

Ants in the Pants?

Ants in the pan--

00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,166

Ants in the pants!

00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,584

It's game, dude.

It's really fun!

00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,878

You son of a bitch!

- Ah!

00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:51,005

You were supposed to get me

the Red Mega Man!

00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:53,049

Now I can't make

Ultra Mega Mega Man!

00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,968

You dirty, cheap-ass,

piece of crap.

00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:56,427

They were all out of 'em,

dude!

00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:58,930

I hate you!

I want you to die!

00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,306

Die!

- [screams]

00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,225

That's it!

Party is over!

00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,060

Everybody go home!

00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:09,983

Get the hell out I said!

00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:12,694

Party's over!

Get out God damn it!

00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,279

Whoa, dude,

you need to mellow out.

00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:16,781

Take your stupid

Ants in the Pants with you!

00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:19,325

Wow, that kid has

some real emotional problems.

00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:20,785

Ah, he does this

all the time.

00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,620

C'mon children,

we can still catch

00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:25,123

the end of the fight.

- [screaming]

00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:26,457

[grunts]

00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,710

Oh, what a splendid party!

00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:29,961

[bell dinging]

00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:30,962

[crowd shouting]

00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:32,672

Oh!

00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,465

Fight, damn it.

00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,846

Ow!

[shouts]

00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:41,556

[coughs, grunts]

00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,558

Dude, Jesus is getting

his butt kicked.

00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,269

[bell dings]

You've got to fight, Jesus.

00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:47,896

Why, what's the point?

00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,230

No one believes in me.

00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,940

Everyone put their money

on Satan.

00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:53,401

My father forsaked me,

the town forsaked me.

00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,195

I'm completely forsook.

00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,113

Somebody bet on you, Jesus.

You said yourself

00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,907

that one person

still has money on you.

00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,533

It doesn't matter.

He's way too strong

00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:02,118

for me anyway

I give up.

00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:03,912

God damn it, Jesus,

snap out of it!

00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:05,496

What would Nancy Kerrigan do,

huh?

00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:06,998

Nancy Kerrigan

wouldn't give up.

00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,583

When things were

looking their darkest

00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,168

Nancy Kerrigan fought

to be the best.

00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:12,086

She wouldn't stop

until she was number one.

00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:13,546

Uh, Stan.

- Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't

00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:15,340

settle for second best.

- Stan.

00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:16,633

She wouldn't quit until

she brought home the gold.

00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,134

Stan!

- What?

00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,677

Nancy Kerrigan got

the silver, dude.

00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,638

She came in second.

00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,307

Really?

- Yeah, dude.

00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,476

Oh, never mind, Jesus.

Nancy Kerrigan sucks.

00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,812

You know, somebody once said,

00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:33,149

"Don't try to be a great man.

Just be a man."

00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:35,944

Who said that?

- You did, Jesus.

00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:38,947

[soft music]

00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,740

You're right, Stan.

00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,200

Thank you, boys.

00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:44,661

[bell dings]

00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,204

Wow, did he say that

in the Bible?

00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,289

No, I saw it on "Star Trek."

- Hmm.

00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,877

C'mon, sissy, hit me!

Hit me.

00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:55,713

Okay, pal, you asked for it.

00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:58,591

[dramatic musical flourish]

00:20:58,716 --> 00:20:59,926

♪♪

00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,472

Oh, you got me.

00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,891

One, two, three...

00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,394

No way!

He barely touched him.

00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:11,271

Seven, eight...

- Aww, come on!

00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:12,689

Nine, ten.

- This is ridiculous.

00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:13,815

You're out!

00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,692

[bell dinging]

00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:18,236

Our savior!

- The winner by knockout

00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:22,699

and still undisputed ruler

of your spiritual kingdom.

00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:24,450

Jesús

00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:27,120

"El Savior"

00:21:27,245 --> 00:21:28,830

Christ.

00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,415

[crowd groaning]

00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:32,792

Hey, he isn't hurt.

He took a dive.

00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,752

He threw the fight.

- Yeah!

00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,213

Fools.

You are all fools.

00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:39,048

Of course I took a dive.

00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:40,925

Don't you see?

Who do you think was

00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:44,595

the one person

that bet on Jesus to win?

00:21:44,721 --> 00:21:46,264

[soft dramatic music]

00:21:46,389 --> 00:21:48,099

Me, you idiots.

00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:50,643

And now I will take all

your hard-earned money,

00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:53,479

and return to hell a much

richer Prince of Darkness

00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,357

and buy some real estate.

Ha, ha,ha, ha!

00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,859

I don't believe this!

00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:00,028

Yeah.

What a mean thing to do.

00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:01,904

Farewell, fools.

00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:05,575

Man, that guy is a jerk.

[all boo]

00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,618

Jesus told you guys

not to bet on Satan.

00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:09,662

Boy, did we get screwed.

00:22:09,787 --> 00:22:11,622

Jesus, we're sorry.

00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:14,709

Can you ever forgive us?

00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,295

Aw, heck,

do I have a choice?

00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:19,213

[cheers and applause]

00:22:19,339 --> 00:22:21,799

Well Jesus,

I definitely learned my lesson.

00:22:21,924 --> 00:22:24,385

Never bet on evil

because when you do--

00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:25,928

Ned, look!

00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:28,014

There's a rare

duck-billed platypus!

00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,766

It's coming right for us!

00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:34,062

Oh, my God.

They killed Kenny.

00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,563

You bastard!

00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:37,231

Well, good-bye, guys.

00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:38,733

It was nice

getting to know you.

00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:40,818

You're leaving already?

- I have to.

00:22:40,943 --> 00:22:43,488

My dad is always on the move.

- Wow.

00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:45,114

I feel kind of bad

for that kid.

00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574

Yeah, just when

he was being accepted

00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:48,242

he has to leave

and start over.

00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:50,203

Parents can be so cruel.

Don't they realize that

00:22:50,328 --> 00:22:52,872

what a child needs more

than anything is security?

00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:55,083

More pie, hon?

00:22:55,208 --> 00:22:57,126

[grunts]

00:22:57,251 --> 00:23:00,963

No...more...pie.

00:23:01,089 --> 00:23:04,550

[grunting]

00:23:04,675 --> 00:23:07,553

[twangy music]

00:23:07,678 --> 00:23:14,685

♪♪