Мистер Хэнки, рождественская какашка

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Howdy-ho!

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I'm rootin', tootin'

Trey Parker.

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I'm pistol-slingin'

Matt Stone.

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And this here's ol' Scratch.

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Say hi, ol' fella.

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Hi, Scratch!

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You know, Matt and I

are right excited,

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because this episode of

"South Park" is favorite episode.

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That's right.

It was our Christmas special

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entitled, "Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo."

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In it, the little

Jewish kid Kyle

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is visited by

a talking candy bar.

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That's right,

South Park-eteers.

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And the reason that this

episode is our favorite

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is 'cause it was the first one

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to introduce the school

counselor, Mr. Mackey.

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He was based on an actual

counselor I had

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in junior high school.

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Why, I used to run around the

hallways, getting in trouble,

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and he'd say, "Trey,

you need to calm down

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and get back to your

schoolwork, 'mkay?"

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And now I'm making a million

dollars off of him!

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Hurray!

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And like all of our episodes,

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this episode has an important

moral lesson.

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The moral of this episode is

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is that everyone, regardless

of your religion,

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should celebrate Christmas,

because it's the best holiday.

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- Yeah.

- Hurray!

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Oh, look, it's our Indian

companion friend,

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Indian Companion.

Hello, Indian Companion.

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- Say hi, kids.

- Hi!

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Someone's coming.

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Thank you.

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Anyway, why don't you all

sit back, relax,

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and have a rootin', tootin'

good time

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with "Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Chocolate Bar."

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Hurray!

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♪ We wish you

a Merry Christmas ♪

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♪ We wish you

a Merry Christmas ♪

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♪ We wish you a

Merry Christmas ♪

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♪ And a Happy New Year ♪

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Lights, please.

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And there were,

in the same country,

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shepherds abiding

in the field,

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keeping watch over

their flock by night.

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And lo the angel of the lord

came upon them,

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and they were so afraid.

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And the angel said

unto them, "Fear not,

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"for behold, I bring you

tidings of great joy.

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"For born unto you

this day in the City of David,

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"is the savior,

Jesus Christ, our lord.

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"Glory to god in the highest

and on earth peace,

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and good will towards man."

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And now, South Park

Elementary presents,

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the birth of Jesus.

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Come on Mary, push!

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I can see its head!

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It's a boy.

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Oh.

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Wait a minute,

wait, wait, wait!

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Kyle, what the hell

was that?

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You need to hold

the baby by the legs,

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not by the head.

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What kind of sick

weirdo are you?

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Sorry.

- And Wendy,

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I'm still not believing

the labor pains.

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Okay.

- Mr. Garrison,

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what the hell do you

think you're doing?

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Well, I'm trying to direct

the school Christmas play.

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But your son was holding

baby Jesus' fetus by the head.

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How dare you

include the nativity

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in a school play!

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Don't you realize

my son is Jewish?

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So?

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So what makes you think

he should play Joseph?

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Because it's Christmas.

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Our family doesn't

celebrate Christmas.

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You're not gonna lay that

Chanukah crap on me, are you?

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What, what, what?

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You're not going to get away

with this Mr. Garrison!

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Good, Kyle's mom is here

to ruin Christmas!

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Shut up fat boy!

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I'm not fat,

I'm festively plump.

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Why are you Jewish

on Christmas, Kyle?

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Kyle is there anything you

can do for the Christmas play

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that isn't related

to Jesus?

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How about

the dreidel song, bubby?

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I can sing

"The Mr. Hankey Song."

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The Mr. Hankey Song,

how does that go?

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♪ Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo ♪

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♪ He loves me

and I love you ♪

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Christmas Poo?

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What the hell is

Christmas Poo?

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Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo.

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Haven't you guys

ever heard of him?

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Kyle, that is enough!

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See, that's what you get

when you raise your child

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to be a pagan!

- Now, that does it!

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I am going straight

to the mayor about you!

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Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry.

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Was it the pagan remark?

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You guys, look.

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It's snowing.

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Whoa!

Christmas snow.

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Try to catch snowflakes

on your tongue.

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It's fun.

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Oh, sick, dude.

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Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

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Jewish people

can't eat Christmas snow.

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We can too.

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No, I think it's against

the law, dude.

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Officer Barbrady?

- What?

00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:20,427

Is it illegal for Jews

to eat Christmas snow?

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Yes.

- Damn it!

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Hey, come on, guys.

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We have to go tell Santa Claus

what we want for Christmas.

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Yeah, we'll see you later,

Kyle.

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Guess there's no reason

for you to come

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since you don't get

Christmas presents.

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No, but I get Chanukah

presents for eight days.

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Too bad it's

usually a dreidel

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or something

lame like that.

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We'll catch up

with you later Kyle.

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Wait, I may

not have Santa,

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but I do have Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo.

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What is it this about

Christmas Poo, dude?

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Mr. Hankey, he comes out of

the toilet every year,

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and gives presents

to everybody

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who has a lot of fiber

in their diet.

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Kyle come on, seriously,

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you are really

reaching right now.

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Well, you're gonna be

sorry when you see me

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riding around

on Santa's sleigh

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with Mr. Hankey,

fat ass!

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You're not gonna ride

on Santa's sleigh

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because you're a Jew, Kyle.

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See ya' dude.

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♪ It's hard to be a Jew

on Christmas ♪

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♪ My friends won't let me

join in any games ♪

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♪ And I can't sing

Christmas songs ♪

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♪ Or decorate

a Christmas tree ♪

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♪ Or leave water

out for Rudolph ♪

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♪ 'Cause there's

something wrong with me ♪

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♪ My people don't believe

in Jesus Christ's divinity ♪

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♪ I'm a Jew ♪

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♪ A lonely Jew ♪

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♪ On Christmas ♪

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♪ Chanukah is nice

but why is it ♪

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♪ That Santa passes over

my house every year ♪

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♪ And instead of eating ham

I have to eat kosher latkes ♪

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♪ Instead of "Silent Night"

I'm singing ♪

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♪ And what the

is up ♪

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♪ With lighting

all these candles ♪

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♪ Tell me please ♪

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♪ I'm a Jew ♪

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♪ A lonely Jew ♪

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♪ I'd be merry

but I'm Hebrew ♪

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♪ On Christmas ♪

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Okay everybody,

settle down.

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Mayor, we are deeply offended

by the nativity scene

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in front of

the capital office.

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Church and state are separate!

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No!

- No!

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What's going on

you guys?

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The whole town's pissed off

at each other.

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It's really sweet.

- That isn't all, mayor,

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the school play is

doing a nativity scene.

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It isn't being sensitive to

the Jewish community.

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You are the Jewish

community.

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Yeah!

- Yeah!

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Oh boy, super bitch

is at it again.

00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,054

Don't call my mom

a bitch, Cartman!

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Mayor, the nativity

is what Christmas is all about.

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If you remove Christ,

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you must remove

Santa and Frosty

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and all that garbage too!

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Hallelujah!

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And we must put a stop to

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the cutting down

of Christmas trees!

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Gimme a break!

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And I'm sick

and tired of those

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little flaps on coffee lids!

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If you don't want to

spill your coffee,

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then you shouldn't

be drivin' with it!

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Yeah! Yeah!

- Okay people,

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clearly we need to

reach a compromise.

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Perhaps we need

a new icon for Christmas.

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Brilliant idea, mayor.

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Hey, how about Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo?

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Excuse me?

00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:49,052

Oh boy,

here we go again.

00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,804

He comes out

of the toilet every year

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and gives presents

to everybody

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who has a lot of fiber

in their diet.

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Kyle, shh!

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It's true, he doesn't care

what faith you are.

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♪ Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo ♪

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♪ He loves me

and I love you ♪

00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,983

♪ Therefore... ♪

- Don't mind him.

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He's a very disturbed

little boy.

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Okay Kyle,

we're leaving right now.

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Wait!

- Anyway, I'll put together

00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,202

a crack team

of my best workers

00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,828

to make sure this will be

00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,705

the most non-offensive

Christmas ever,

00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,582

to any religious or

minority group of any kind.

00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:21,418

Are there any other

suggestions?

00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:22,961

Yes, Mr. Garrison.

00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:27,508

Could we get rid of

all the Mexicans?

00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,051

No, Mr. Garrison,

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,720

we cannot get rid of

all the Mexicans.

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Rats!

00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,022

It is sick and disgusting.

00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,357

And we simply will

not have it.

00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:44,608

Your father's right Kyle.

00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:46,235

Sheila, let me handle this.

00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,278

Having imaginary friends

is fine Kyle,

00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,947

but this simply will not do.

00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:51,990

Listen to

your father, Kyle.

00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,034

Now I want you

to repeat after me--

00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,620

there is no such thing

as Mr. Hankey.

00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,914

But Dad, he always...

- Say it!

00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,499

There's no such thing

as Mr. Hankey.

00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:02,042

Again.

00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,502

There is no such thing

as Mr. Hankey.

00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,337

This is for your

own good, bubby.

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,047

Now you go brush your teeth

and march into bed.

00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,508

You won't be opening your

Chanukah present tonight.

00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,426

Probably just another

stupid dreidel anyway.

00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,761

What did you say?

00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:13,845

I said Ike's on fire!

00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,013

Uh-oh.

00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,473

Oh, my god!

00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,435

It isn't fair.

00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,812

I don't wanna be an outcast!

00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,148

I'm not hearing that.

00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:28,026

Hello?

00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:30,320

Mr. Hankey?

00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,739

Howdy-ho!

00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,784

Howdy-ho Kyle,

00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,661

gosh you're looking swell!

00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:38,954

Go away Mr. Hankey.

00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,539

You know

something pal?

00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:43,292

You smell an awful lot

like flowers.

00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,335

I said go away,

my dad says you're not real.

00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,753

Not real?

00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,505

Well shucks,

if I weren't real,

00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,717

could I sing this

jolly Christmas song?

00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:54,052

♪ Santa Claus

is on his way ♪

00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,679

♪ A load of goodies

on his sleigh ♪

00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,598

♪ Dropping off

on Christmas day ♪

00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:59,266

♪ And I'll say

howdy-ho ♪

00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,310

Mr. Hankey shh,

I'll get in trouble!

00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:02,811

♪ Folks will gather

'round the fire ♪

00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,646

♪ Sing a song

without a choir ♪

00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,315

♪ Pretty soon

they'll all return ♪

00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,400

♪ And I'll say

howdy-ho ♪

00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,611

Kyle, what are you

doing in there?

00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:12,529

Nothing.

- Open the door!

00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,489

♪ Hope that Santa comes

real soon ♪

00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:16,325

Mr. Hankey,

cut it out!

00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:17,701

Huh?

00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,830

Kyle!

00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,081

Say something, Mr. Hankey!

00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,045

Now you get to sleep

00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:29,379

and think about how

your poor mother

00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:31,048

has to clean

that bathroom up!

00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,008

What, what, what?

Me?

00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,763

Howdy-ho!

00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:39,556

Mr. Hankey, where

the hell did you go?

00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,059

You should be wearing

socks to sleep Kyle.

00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,852

You're gonna catch a cold.

00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,604

Nobody believes in you,

not even my friends.

00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,898

Gee, that's too bad.

00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,858

Hey, how about you come to

school with me tomorrow?

00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,860

So I can at least prove

I'm not crazy to my friends.

00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,821

Say, that sounds

like a swell idea.

00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:58,158

We can show everyone

the true spirit of Christmas.

00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,035

Yeah, we'll show them.

00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,413

Okay people, we got

to turn this place around.

00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:05,248

Take down anything

that is offensive

00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:07,751

to any specific group.

00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:10,337

Is mistletoe offensive?

00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:14,508

Is anyone offended

by mistletoe?

00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,885

Lose the mistletoe!

00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,554

You guys,

I'm getting that John Elway

00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,348

football helmet for Christmas.

00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,308

How do you know?

00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,143

'Cause I looked in my

parent's closet last night.

00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,104

Yeah well, I sneaked

around my mom's closet too

00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:28,980

and saw what I'm getting.

00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,358

The Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.

00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,026

What's that?

- I don't know

00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,778

but it sounds pretty sweet.

00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,196

Hello everybody.

00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,698

What's in the box dude?

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,616

It's a surprise.

- Let me see.

00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,118

Okay, but don't scare him.

00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,957

Dude, sick!

00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,419

Is this some kind

of Jewish tradition?

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,132

Wait you guys, he's alive!

00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:56,883

Kyle, I think

you better get home

00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:58,093

and get some sleep.

00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,595

Come on, dance!

Dance!

00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:01,930

Dance damn you!

00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,807

This is very simple-

00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,892

I'm going to say words

and the computer will measure

00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,519

how offended

you are by them.

00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,646

In this way we can

find out which words

00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,898

are least offensive for

use in the holiday season.

00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,608

Are we ready?

00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,360

Here we go.

00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,529

Christ.

00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:18,697

Hmm, okay.

00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:19,781

Chair.

00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:25,036

Camel.

00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,705

Sand.

00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,584

Stupid wop-dago!

00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,713

Bench.

00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:40,051

Do you have to take

the Christmas tree too?

00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:41,970

Mayor's orders.

00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,472

Okay children,

I'm really having

00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,766

a hard time with

our Christmas play.

00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,642

The new law states

we can't sing any songs

00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:50,479

having to do with Jesus

or Santa Claus.

00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,564

Thanks to Kyle's mother.

- Shut up Cartman!

00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,232

So does anybody

know any non-Santa

00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:57,319

or non-Jesus Christmas songs?

00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,904

Yes, Eric.

- How about we sing

00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:01,782

"Kyle's mom is a

stupid bitch," in D-minor?

00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:05,577

I told you not to call

my mom a bitch, Cartman!

00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,412

♪ Well, Kyle's mom's

a bitch ♪

00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,206

♪ She's a big, fat bitch ♪

00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:11,166

♪ She's the biggest bitch

in the whole wide world ♪

00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,043

♪ She's a stupid bitch

if there ever was a bitch ♪

00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,044

♪ She's a bitch to all

the boys and girls ♪

00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:15,796

Shut up Cartman!

00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:19,090

Howdy-ho!

- Mr. Hankey?

00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:20,926

♪ Monday she's a bitch,

on Tuesday's she's a bitch ♪

00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,636

♪ And Wednesday through

Saturday she's a bitch ♪

00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:24,221

♪ Then on Sunday,

just to be different ♪

00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,765

♪ She's a super,

two-ton megabitch ♪

00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:28,642

Golly,

that isn't very nice.

00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,394

I'd sure like to

teach him a lesson.

00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,188

♪ Have you ever met

my friend Kyle's mom ♪

00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,481

♪ She's the biggest bitch

in the whole wide world ♪

00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,316

♪ She's a mean old bitch ♪

00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,026

♪ If you ask anything

of her she's a bitch ♪

00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,194

♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch,

bitch, bitch ♪

00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,487

♪ She's a stupid bitch ♪

00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,072

♪ Kyle's mom's a bitch ♪

00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,825

♪ And she's

just a dirty bitch ♪

00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:48,203

♪ Kyle's mom, is a ♪

00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:52,791

♪ Bitch ♪

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,043

Mr. Hankey, no!

00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,795

What the?

00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:57,879

Gross, Kyle!

00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,297

Oh my lord Kyle,

00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,299

did you just throw

doo-doo at Eric?

00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:02,717

Uh...

00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,886

You sick bastard!

00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:09,057

Now Kyle,

as your school counselor,

00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,477

I want to try to help you

confront your problem.

00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,104

I don't have

a problem.

00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,605

Well it's my

understanding that you,

00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:19,234

you have an acute case of

fecalphilia.

00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,819

What's that?

00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:22,487

Well, a fecalphiliac

is somebody

00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,698

who's obsessed with

mookie-stinks, Kyle.

00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,658

Mookie-stinks?

00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,119

I also understand you're

Jewish; is that right Kyle?

00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:31,079

Not on purpose.

00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,414

So this must be a pretty hard

time of year for you,

00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:33,748

being Christmas and all.

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,458

Do the other kids

make fun of you?

00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:36,877

Sometimes.

00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,670

That must make you mad.

- Sure.

00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,923

Mad enough to kill, Kyle?

00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,050

No dude!

- Well, that's good.

00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:46,928

You see Kyle, sometimes we feel

like an outsider,

00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,307

we create friends, okay,

in our minds, okay?

00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:51,850

But Mr. Hankey seems so real.

00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,310

Well, of course he does,

00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:54,728

in your screwed up

little head,

00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:57,230

he's the only friend

you have.

00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:01,359

Kyle!

Howdy-ho!

00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,154

Right now you're nuttier

than Chinese chicken salad.

00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:07,032

I mean you're one

screwed up little kid.

00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:11,369

Do you understand?

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,079

So try and

stay positive,

00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,664

stay away from drugs

and alcohol.

00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:16,416

And in the meantime,

00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,752

I'm gonna put on a heavy

regimen of Prozac...

00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:24,966

Oh, oh my God,

you sick little monkey!

00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,509

Okay children,

00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,011

we just received word

from the mayor

00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,554

that the Christmas play

00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,264

can't include

any Christmas lights,

00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:35,143

since they offend

people with epilepsy.

00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,645

So Kenny,

would you please go over

00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,688

and pull the light cords

out of the wall?

00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,443

Careful now Kenny,

00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,070

those are very, very

dangerous.

00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,869

Okay, now let's practice

our...

00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,412

No, get away from me!

00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:55,789

Here, just look more

closely at it.

00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:57,624

No, go away!

00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:00,085

Stan, you need to do

something about your friend.

00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,795

Okay?

00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,213

Get him out of here

before he hurts anybody!

00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:04,589

Okay?

00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,135

Hello, we need to commit

our friend Kyle, please.

00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,096

Reason?

00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:12,305

I'm a clinically depressed

fecalphiliac on Prozac.

00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:14,224

Any allergies?

- No.

00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:17,936

Jacket!

00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:19,980

Bye Kyle,

happy Chanukah.

00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,236

Okay children,

00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,738

does everyone have

their leotards on?

00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:32,617

Good, it looks like they've

taken the Christmas trees down.

00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,120

Yes, and there's nothing

Christian either.

00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,955

This should be great.

00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,499

Oh, this could be such

a wonderful Christmas play.

00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,751

I wish our little Kyle

was here to see it.

00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,044

♪ Dreidel, dreidel,

dreidel ♪

00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,462

♪ I made you out of clay ♪

00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:45,797

♪ Dreidel, dreidel,

dreidel ♪

00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:47,298

♪ With dreidel I will play ♪

00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,717

Second verse,

same as the first!

00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,593

♪ Dreidel, dreidel,

dreidel ♪

00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,345

Welcome to the South Park

elementary holiday...

00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,681

Wait, wait, there's

a star above the stage.

00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:57,017

That's very offensive

to non-Christians.

00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,768

Oh come on.

00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,104

Hey, don't push your

beliefs on me, buddy!

00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:03,523

I agree.

- Oh brother!

00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,358

Kenny would you

please climb that ladder

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,444

and take down the star

above the stage.

00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,112

And be careful not to fall

00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,739

in that little pool

below you Kenny.

00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,323

The shark for

the third act is in there.

00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,617

Hmm?

00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:16,494

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:18,955

welcome to the South Park

Elementary holiday experience.

00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,665

Before we bring out

the kiddies for the play,

00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,043

here's a non-offensive,

non-denominational

00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,962

holiday song

by the school chef.

00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:30,050

♪ I'm gonna lay

you down by the yule log ♪

00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:33,303

♪ I'm gonna

love you right ♪

00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:36,056

♪ Baby I'm gonna

deck your halls ♪

00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,476

♪ And silent your night ♪

00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:42,479

♪ You'll hear

the angel's sing ♪

00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:45,648

♪ When I'm sliding

off your bra ♪

00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:48,860

♪ I just can't wait

to jingle your bells ♪

00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,905

♪ And fa-la-la

your la ♪

00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,490

I wish Kyle was here.

00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,200

It just doesn't seem right

without him.

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,409

Yeah, old Kyle's gonna

be locked up for a while,

00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,161

so get used to it.

00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:00,371

Okay kids, get ready

to take your places.

00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:01,623

Thank you, Chef.

00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,587

And now South Park

Elementary presents

00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:09,464

the happy, non-offensive

non-denominational

00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,424

Christmas play.

00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:14,385

With music and lyrics by

New York minimalist composer,

00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:15,804

Phillip Glass.

00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:22,519

As I turn and look

into the sun,

00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:26,731

the rays burn my eyes.

00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:30,360

How like a turtle,

the sun looks.

00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:32,403

What the hell is this?

00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,324

This is horrible.

00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,701

This is the most god-awful

piece of crap I've ever seen.

00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,787

Hey, you're the ones

who made it this way.

00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,914

Because the Jews said

it couldn't be Christian.

00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,416

It wasn't our idea to

take out Santa Claus.

00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,252

All you bastards

ruined Christmas!

00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,420

Get 'em in the ribs!

00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:50,672

Get 'em!

00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,423

This sucks dude.

00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:54,092

This is like the worst

Christmas I've ever seen.

00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:55,218

Yeah.

00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:57,929

Say where's Kyle?

00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,056

We committed him.

- What? Why?

00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,475

'Cause he kept seeing

this little brown piece

00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,310

of Christmas Poo

everywhere that he went.

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:07,480

Christmas Poo?

You mean Mr. Hankey?

00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,065

Huh?

Uh-oh!

00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,529

Say kids,

why the long faces?

00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,031

We're bored.

- There's nothing to do.

00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,742

Well maybe this will help.

00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:21,828

Yay, Mr. Hankey

construction set!

00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:23,746

That's right kids,

00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:25,540

now you can make your

very own Mr. Hankey!

00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,167

Just use the special

fecal fishing net,

00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:29,210

and select

your best Mr. Hankey.

00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,171

That one!

00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:32,964

Then use the hand-crafted

Hankey stern to add

00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:33,965

whatever eyes, mouth,

and hats you want.

00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,592

Howdy-ho!

00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,218

I made a mariachi

Mr. Hankey.

00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:38,928

Now it's a Mrs. Hankey.

00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,722

Let's put the fez hat

on him.

00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,558

I wish Daddy

was still alive.

00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,394

Mr. Hankey play set comes

with everything seen.

00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,230

Hey, where's

Mr. Hankey?

00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:54,986

I love you sweetheart.

00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,529

I love you too.

00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:03,411

This is horrible,

everybody is fighting

00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,163

and my best friend

is in an institution.

00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,956

All because we didn't

believe in Mr. Hankey.

00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,833

Well, you can

believe in him now.

00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,920

I believe.

00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:15,256

I believe in Mr. Hankey.

00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:18,051

Howdy-ho.

00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:20,011

Huh?

- Howdy folks.

00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:23,306

Gosh, you sure do

smell nice and flowery.

00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:26,059

Whoa!

- Howdy-ho Chef.

00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:28,228

Howdy-ho Mr. Hankey.

00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,687

Okay, that does it.

00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,731

Screw you guys,

I'm going home.

00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:34,067

Talking poo is

where I draw the line.

00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:35,944

What's all the ruckus?

00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,654

I'm glad you're here

Mr. Hankey.

00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,364

The whole town is about

to kill each other.

00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:42,200

I reckon this could

be a job for Mr. Hankey.

00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,789

Stop fighting.

00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,750

Oh my god, what the hell

is that thing?

00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:53,253

Come on gang,

don't fight.

00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,213

You people focus so hard

00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:57,423

on the things

wrong with Christmas,

00:20:57,548 --> 00:21:01,594

that you've forgotten

what's so right about it.

00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,179

Don't you see?

00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,847

This is the one time of year

00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,600

we're supposed to forget

all the bad stuff.

00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:11,145

Stop worrying and being sad

about the state of the world,

00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:14,649

and for just one day say

"Ah, the heck with it."

00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:18,069

Let's sing and dance

and bake cookies.

00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:31,708

Dude, this is

pretty up.

00:21:31,833 --> 00:21:35,461

♪ I'm a Jew,

a lonely Jew ♪

00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:37,714

Howdy-ho, Kyle!

00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:39,549

Oh no...

I'm not sane yet.

00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,843

I brought some

friends with me.

00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:42,969

Friends?

00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:49,475

Merry Christmas,

Kyle Broslovski!

00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,476

You mean you

can see him?

00:21:50,601 --> 00:21:52,061

I'm not crazy?

00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:56,691

♪ Mr. Hankey

the Christmas Poo ♪

00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,901

♪ He loves me

I love you ♪

00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,487

♪ Therefore vicariously

he loves you ♪

00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,823

♪ Even if you're a Jew ♪

00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:06,200

♪ Sometimes he's nutty,

sometimes he's corny ♪

00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:08,953

♪ He can be brown

or greenish brown ♪

00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,497

♪ But if you eat fiber

on Christmas eve ♪

00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:13,833

♪ He might come

to your town ♪

00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:15,418

♪ Mr. Hankey... ♪

00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:18,338

Well, I got a long night

ahead of me.

00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,381

Bye-bye,

and Merry Christmas.

00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,966

Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.

00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:23,134

Bring me lots of presents!

00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:24,886

I always believed in you.

00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,180

Howdy-ho, ho, ho!

00:22:27,305 --> 00:22:28,806

You know, I learned

something today.

00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:30,600

I learned that

Jewish people are okay.

00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:32,393

And that Chanukah

can be cool too.

00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:33,686

Yeah.

00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:37,440

You know it seems like

something's still not right.

00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:41,194

Yeah something

feels unfinished.

00:22:41,319 --> 00:22:42,820

Well, what could it be?

00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,325

Woo-hoo hoo!

00:22:53,956 --> 00:22:56,584

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:59,504

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:05,756

children: Howdy-ho!

00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:07,258

I'm rootin', tootin'

Trey Parker.

00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:08,509

I'm pistol-slingin'

Matt Stone.

00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:09,677

And this here's ol' Scratch.

00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:11,012

Say hi, ol' fella.

00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:13,139

children: Hi, Scratch!

00:00:13,264 --> 00:00:15,266

You know, Matt and I

are right excited,

00:00:15,391 --> 00:00:18,060

because this episode of

"South Park" is favorite episode.

00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,229

That's right.

It was our Christmas special

00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,565

entitled, "Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo."

00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,108

In it, the little

Jewish kid Kyle

00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:26,402

is visited by

a talking candy bar.

00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,362

That's right,

South Park-eteers.

00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,114

And the reason that this

episode is our favorite

00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:31,907

is 'cause it was the first one

00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,160

to introduce the school

counselor, Mr. Mackey.

00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:35,786

He was based on an actual

counselor I had

00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,955

in junior high school.

00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,583

Why, I used to run around the

hallways, getting in trouble,

00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,585

and he'd say, "Trey,

you need to calm down

00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,879

and get back to your

schoolwork, 'mkay?"

00:00:45,004 --> 00:00:46,297

And now I'm making a million

dollars off of him!

00:00:46,422 --> 00:00:47,590

children: Hurray!

00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,300

And like all of our episodes,

00:00:49,425 --> 00:00:50,926

this episode has an important

moral lesson.

00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,595

The moral of this episode is

00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,597

is that everyone, regardless

of your religion,

00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,891

should celebrate Christmas,

because it's the best holiday.

00:00:57,016 --> 00:00:59,852

Yeah.

children: Hurray!

00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:02,146

Oh, look, it's our Indian

companion friend,

00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:04,315

Indian Companion.

Hello, Indian Companion.

00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,484

Say hi, kids.

children: Hi!

00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,069

Someone's coming.

00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,405

Thank you.

00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:16,535

Anyway, why don't you all

sit back, relax,

00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,245

and have a rootin', tootin'

good time

00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:21,082

with "Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Chocolate Bar."

00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:25,336

[gunshots]

children: Hurray!

00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:33,969

♪ We wish you

a Merry Christmas ♪

00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,097

♪ We wish you

a Merry Christmas ♪

00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:38,140

♪ We wish you a

Merry Christmas ♪

00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:42,478

♪ And a Happy New Year ♪

00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,647

Lights, please.

00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,232

And there were,

in the same country,

00:01:46,357 --> 00:01:47,900

shepherds abiding

in the field,

00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,652

keeping watch over

their flock by night.

00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:50,986

And lo the angel of the lord

came upon them,

00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,696

and they were so afraid.

00:01:52,822 --> 00:01:54,573

And the angel said

unto them, "Fear not,

00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,367

"for behold, I bring you

tidings of great joy.

00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:58,911

"For born unto you

this day in the City of David,

00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,746

"is the savior,

Jesus Christ, our lord.

00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,123

"Glory to god in the highest

and on earth peace,

00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:03,874

and good will towards man."

00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,918

And now, South Park

Elementary presents,

00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:08,921

the birth of Jesus.

00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:11,507

[grunting]

00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,676

Come on Mary, push!

00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:14,969

I can see its head!

00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,389

It's a boy.

00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:19,640

Oh.

00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:20,975

[mumbling]

00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:22,768

Wait a minute,

wait, wait, wait!

00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,270

Kyle, what the hell

was that?

00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:25,521

You need to hold

the baby by the legs,

00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,939

not by the head.

00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,357

What kind of sick

weirdo are you?

00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,942

Sorry.

- And Wendy,

00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,777

I'm still not believing

the labor pains.

00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:34,196

Okay.

- Mr. Garrison,

00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,866

what the hell do you

think you're doing?

00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:39,368

Well, I'm trying to direct

the school Christmas play.

00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,371

But your son was holding

baby Jesus' fetus by the head.

00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,665

How dare you

include the nativity

00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,292

in a school play!

00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:49,170

Don't you realize

my son is Jewish?

00:02:49,295 --> 00:02:50,880

So?

00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:54,300

So what makes you think

he should play Joseph?

00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:56,218

Because it's Christmas.

00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:59,013

Our family doesn't

celebrate Christmas.

00:02:59,138 --> 00:03:01,098

[all gasp]

00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,100

You're not gonna lay that

Chanukah crap on me, are you?

00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,019

What, what, what?

00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:06,979

You're not going to get away

with this Mr. Garrison!

00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,023

Good, Kyle's mom is here

to ruin Christmas!

00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:10,608

Shut up fat boy!

00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:12,526

I'm not fat,

I'm festively plump.

00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,570

Why are you Jewish

on Christmas, Kyle?

00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,531

Kyle is there anything you

can do for the Christmas play

00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:19,533

that isn't related

to Jesus?

00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:22,536

How about

the dreidel song, bubby?

00:03:22,661 --> 00:03:24,288

I can sing

"The Mr. Hankey Song."

00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,457

The Mr. Hankey Song,

how does that go?

00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:28,626

♪ Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo ♪

00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:30,294

♪ He loves me

and I love you ♪

00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:31,754

Christmas Poo?

00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,214

What the hell is

Christmas Poo?

00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:34,673

Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo.

00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:35,925

Haven't you guys

ever heard of him?

00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,760

Kyle, that is enough!

00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,303

See, that's what you get

when you raise your child

00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,013

to be a pagan!

- Now, that does it!

00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,474

I am going straight

to the mayor about you!

00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:45,643

Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry.

00:03:45,768 --> 00:03:47,019

Was it the pagan remark?

00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,479

You guys, look.

00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:49,980

It's snowing.

00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,568

[all cheering]

00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,195

Whoa!

Christmas snow.

00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,198

Try to catch snowflakes

on your tongue.

00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:00,491

It's fun.

00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,291

[mumbles]

- Oh, sick, dude.

00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,960

Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,211

Jewish people

can't eat Christmas snow.

00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:13,837

We can too.

00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,256

No, I think it's against

the law, dude.

00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:17,258

Officer Barbrady?

- What?

00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:20,427

Is it illegal for Jews

to eat Christmas snow?

00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,596

Yes.

- Damn it!

00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,640

Hey, come on, guys.

00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,517

We have to go tell Santa Claus

what we want for Christmas.

00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:28,143

Yeah, we'll see you later,

Kyle.

00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:29,770

Guess there's no reason

for you to come

00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,438

since you don't get

Christmas presents.

00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,107

No, but I get Chanukah

presents for eight days.

00:04:33,232 --> 00:04:34,525

Too bad it's

usually a dreidel

00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,026

or something

lame like that.

00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,945

We'll catch up

with you later Kyle.

00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:39,655

Wait, I may

not have Santa,

00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,740

but I do have Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo.

00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,784

What is it this about

Christmas Poo, dude?

00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:45,619

Mr. Hankey, he comes out of

the toilet every year,

00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,246

and gives presents

to everybody

00:04:47,371 --> 00:04:48,539

who has a lot of fiber

in their diet.

00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:50,040

Kyle come on, seriously,

00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,792

you are really

reaching right now.

00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,210

Well, you're gonna be

sorry when you see me

00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:54,378

riding around

on Santa's sleigh

00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:55,963

with Mr. Hankey,

fat ass!

00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:57,172

You're not gonna ride

on Santa's sleigh

00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:58,674

because you're a Jew, Kyle.

00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,676

See ya' dude.

00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:12,187

♪ It's hard to be a Jew

on Christmas ♪

00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:17,318

♪ My friends won't let me

join in any games ♪

00:05:17,443 --> 00:05:19,945

♪ And I can't sing

Christmas songs ♪

00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,781

♪ Or decorate

a Christmas tree ♪

00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,617

♪ Or leave water

out for Rudolph ♪

00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:28,245

♪ 'Cause there's

something wrong with me ♪

00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:34,960

♪ My people don't believe

in Jesus Christ's divinity ♪

00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,087

♪ I'm a Jew ♪

00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:40,049

♪ A lonely Jew ♪

00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:46,013

♪ On Christmas ♪

00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:50,934

♪ Chanukah is nice

but why is it ♪

00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:56,398

♪ That Santa passes over

my house every year ♪

00:05:56,523 --> 00:06:01,779

♪ And instead of eating ham

I have to eat kosher latkes ♪

00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:04,823

♪ Instead of "Silent Night"

I'm singing ♪

00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,326

[speaking Hebrew]

00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,370

♪ And what the [bleep]

is up ♪

00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,205

♪ With lighting

all these [bleep] candles ♪

00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:13,791

♪ Tell me please ♪

00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,918

♪ I'm a Jew ♪

00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,046

♪ A lonely Jew ♪

00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:24,218

♪ I'd be merry

but I'm Hebrew ♪

00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:27,471

♪ On Christmas ♪

00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,482

[all yelling]

00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:42,111

Okay everybody,

settle down.

00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:45,447

Mayor, we are deeply offended

by the nativity scene

00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,491

in front of

the capital office.

00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:49,785

Church and state are separate!

00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,036

No!

- No!

00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,830

What's going on

you guys?

00:06:52,955 --> 00:06:54,456

The whole town's pissed off

at each other.

00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,125

It's really sweet.

- That isn't all, mayor,

00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,919

the school play is

doing a nativity scene.

00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:02,256

It isn't being sensitive to

the Jewish community.

00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:04,007

You are the Jewish

community.

00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,592

Yeah!

- Yeah!

00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,094

Oh boy, super bitch

is at it again.

00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,054

Don't call my mom

a bitch, Cartman!

00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,223

Mayor, the nativity

is what Christmas is all about.

00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,599

If you remove Christ,

00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:14,017

you must remove

Santa and Frosty

00:07:14,143 --> 00:07:15,561

and all that garbage too!

00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,312

Hallelujah!

00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:18,772

And we must put a stop to

00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,691

the cutting down

of Christmas trees!

00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:22,359

Gimme a break!

00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:23,569

And I'm sick

and tired of those

00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,320

little flaps on coffee lids!

00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:26,905

If you don't want to

spill your coffee,

00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:29,491

then you shouldn't

be drivin' with it!

00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,118

[silence]

00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:33,078

Yeah! Yeah!

- Okay people,

00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,914

clearly we need to

reach a compromise.

00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:39,751

Perhaps we need

a new icon for Christmas.

00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:42,421

Brilliant idea, mayor.

00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:45,799

Hey, how about Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo?

00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:47,301

Excuse me?

00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:49,052

Oh boy,

here we go again.

00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,804

Mr. Hankey: He comes out

of the toilet every year

00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,347

and gives presents

to everybody

00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:53,640

who has a lot of fiber

in their diet.

00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,434

Kyle, shh!

00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:57,060

It's true, he doesn't care

what faith you are.

00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:58,687

♪ Mr. Hankey,

the Christmas Poo ♪

00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,272

♪ He loves me

and I love you ♪

00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,983

♪ Therefore... ♪

- Don't mind him.

00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,735

He's a very disturbed

little boy.

00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,278

[mumbling]

00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,322

Okay Kyle,

we're leaving right now.

00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:10,908

Wait!

- Anyway, I'll put together

00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,202

a crack team

of my best workers

00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,828

to make sure this will be

00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,705

the most non-offensive

Christmas ever,

00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,582

to any religious or

minority group of any kind.

00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:21,418

Are there any other

suggestions?

00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:22,961

Yes, Mr. Garrison.

00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:27,508

Could we get rid of

all the Mexicans?

00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:29,051

No, Mr. Garrison,

00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,720

we cannot get rid of

all the Mexicans.

00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:32,846

Rats!

00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,022

It is sick and disgusting.

00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,357

And we simply will

not have it.

00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:44,608

Your father's right Kyle.

00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:46,235

Sheila, let me handle this.

00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,278

Having imaginary friends

is fine Kyle,

00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,947

but this simply will not do.

00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:51,990

Listen to

your father, Kyle.

00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,034

Now I want you

to repeat after me--

00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,620

there is no such thing

as Mr. Hankey.

00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,914

But Dad, he always...

- Say it!

00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,499

There's no such thing

as Mr. Hankey.

00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:02,042

Again.

00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,502

There is no such thing

as Mr. Hankey.

00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,337

This is for your

own good, bubby.

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,047

Now you go brush your teeth

and march into bed.

00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,508

You won't be opening your

Chanukah present tonight.

00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,426

Probably just another

stupid dreidel anyway.

00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,761

What did you say?

00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:13,845

I said Ike's on fire!

00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,013

Uh-oh.

00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,473

Oh, my god!

00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:20,435

It isn't fair.

00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,812

I don't wanna be an outcast!

00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:22,938

[voice echoing]

00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,148

I'm not hearing that.

00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:28,026

Hello?

00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:30,320

Mr. Hankey?

00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,739

Howdy-ho!

00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,784

Howdy-ho Kyle,

00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,661

gosh you're looking swell!

00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:38,954

Go away Mr. Hankey.

00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,539

You know

something pal?

00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:43,292

You smell an awful lot

like flowers.

00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,335

I said go away,

my dad says you're not real.

00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,753

Not real?

00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,505

Well shucks,

if I weren't real,

00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,717

could I sing this

jolly Christmas song?

00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:54,052

♪ Santa Claus

is on his way ♪

00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,679

♪ A load of goodies

on his sleigh ♪

00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,598

♪ Dropping off

on Christmas day ♪

00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:59,266

♪ And I'll say

howdy-ho ♪

00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,310

Mr. Hankey shh,

I'll get in trouble!

00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:02,811

♪ Folks will gather

'round the fire ♪

00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,646

♪ Sing a song

without a choir ♪

00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,315

♪ Pretty soon

they'll all return ♪

00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,400

♪ And I'll say

howdy-ho ♪

00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,611

Kyle, what are you

doing in there?

00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:12,529

Nothing.

- Open the door!

00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,489

♪ Hope that Santa comes

real soon ♪

00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:16,325

Mr. Hankey,

cut it out!

00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:17,701

Huh?

00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,830

Kyle!

00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,081

Say something, Mr. Hankey!

00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,045

Now you get to sleep

00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:29,379

and think about how

your poor mother

00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:31,048

has to clean

that bathroom up!

00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,008

What, what, what?

Me?

00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,763

Howdy-ho!

00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:39,556

Mr. Hankey, where

the hell did you go?

00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,059

You should be wearing

socks to sleep Kyle.

00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,852

You're gonna catch a cold.

00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,604

Nobody believes in you,

not even my friends.

00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,898

Gee, that's too bad.

00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,858

Hey, how about you come to

school with me tomorrow?

00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,860

So I can at least prove

I'm not crazy to my friends.

00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,821

Say, that sounds

like a swell idea.

00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:58,158

We can show everyone

the true spirit of Christmas.

00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,035

Yeah, we'll show them.

00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,413

Okay people, we got

to turn this place around.

00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:05,248

Take down anything

that is offensive

00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:07,751

to any specific group.

00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:10,337

Is mistletoe offensive?

00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:14,508

Is anyone offended

by mistletoe?

00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,885

Lose the mistletoe!

00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,554

You guys,

I'm getting that John Elway

00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,348

football helmet for Christmas.

00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,308

How do you know?

00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,143

'Cause I looked in my

parent's closet last night.

00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,104

Yeah well, I sneaked

around my mom's closet too

00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:28,980

and saw what I'm getting.

00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,358

The Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.

00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,026

What's that?

- I don't know

00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,778

but it sounds pretty sweet.

00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,196

Hello everybody.

00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,698

What's in the box dude?

00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,616

It's a surprise.

- Let me see.

00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,118

Okay, but don't scare him.

00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,957

Dude, sick!

00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,419

Is this some kind

of Jewish tradition?

00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:52,754

[mumbling]

00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,132

Wait you guys, he's alive!

00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:56,883

Kyle, I think

you better get home

00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:58,093

and get some sleep.

00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,595

Come on, dance!

Dance!

00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:01,930

Dance damn you!

00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,807

This is very simple-

00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,892

I'm going to say words

and the computer will measure

00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,519

how offended

you are by them.

00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,646

In this way we can

find out which words

00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,898

are least offensive for

use in the holiday season.

00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,608

Are we ready?

00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,360

Here we go.

00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,529

Christ.

[beeping]

00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:18,697

Hmm, okay.

00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:19,781

Chair.

00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,033

[silence]

00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:25,036

Camel.

[minor beeps]

00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,705

Sand.

00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,915

[silence]

00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,584

Stupid wop-dago!

00:12:30,709 --> 00:12:33,086

[loud beeping]

00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,713

Bench.

00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:40,051

Do you have to take

the Christmas tree too?

00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:41,970

Mayor's orders.

00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,472

Okay children,

I'm really having

00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,766

a hard time with

our Christmas play.

00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,642

The new law states

we can't sing any songs

00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:50,479

having to do with Jesus

or Santa Claus.

00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,564

Thanks to Kyle's mother.

- Shut up Cartman!

00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,232

So does anybody

know any non-Santa

00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:57,319

or non-Jesus Christmas songs?

00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,904

Yes, Eric.

- How about we sing

00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:01,782

"Kyle's mom is a

stupid bitch," in D-minor?

00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:05,577

I told you not to call

my mom a bitch, Cartman!

00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,412

♪ Well, Kyle's mom's

a bitch ♪

00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,206

♪ She's a big, fat bitch ♪

00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:11,166

♪ She's the biggest bitch

in the whole wide world ♪

00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,043

♪ She's a stupid bitch

if there ever was a bitch ♪

00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,044

♪ She's a bitch to all

the boys and girls ♪

00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:15,796

Shut up Cartman!

00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:19,090

Howdy-ho!

- Mr. Hankey?

00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:20,926

♪ Monday she's a bitch,

on Tuesday's she's a bitch ♪

00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,636

♪ And Wednesday through

Saturday she's a bitch ♪

00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:24,221

♪ Then on Sunday,

just to be different ♪

00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,765

♪ She's a super,

two-ton megabitch ♪

00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:28,642

Golly,

that isn't very nice.

00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,394

I'd sure like to

teach him a lesson.

00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,188

♪ Have you ever met

my friend Kyle's mom ♪

00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,481

♪ She's the biggest bitch

in the whole wide world ♪

00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,316

♪ She's a mean old bitch ♪

00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,026

♪ If you ask anything

of her she's a bitch ♪

00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,194

♪ Bitch, bitch, bitch,

bitch, bitch ♪

00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,487

♪ She's a stupid bitch ♪

00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:42,072

♪ Kyle's mom's a bitch ♪

00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,825

♪ And she's

just a dirty bitch ♪

00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:48,203

♪ Kyle's mom, is a ♪

00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:52,791

♪ Bitch ♪

00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,043

Mr. Hankey, no!

00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,795

What the?

00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:57,879

Gross, Kyle!

00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,297

Oh my lord Kyle,

00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,299

did you just throw

doo-doo at Eric?

00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:02,717

Uh...

00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,886

You sick bastard!

00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,388

[laughter]

00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:09,057

Now Kyle,

as your school counselor,

00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,477

I want to try to help you

confront your problem.

00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,104

I don't have

a problem.

00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,605

Well it's my

understanding that you,

00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:19,234

you have an acute case of

fecalphilia.

00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,819

What's that?

00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:22,487

Well, a fecalphiliac

is somebody

00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,698

who's obsessed with

mookie-stinks, Kyle.

00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,658

Mookie-stinks?

00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,119

I also understand you're

Jewish; is that right Kyle?

00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:31,079

Not on purpose.

00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,414

So this must be a pretty hard

time of year for you,

00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:33,748

being Christmas and all.

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,458

Do the other kids

make fun of you?

00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:36,877

Sometimes.

00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,670

That must make you mad.

- Sure.

00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,923

Mad enough to kill, Kyle?

00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,050

No dude!

- Well, that's good.

00:14:44,175 --> 00:14:46,928

You see Kyle, sometimes we feel

like an outsider,

00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,307

we create friends, okay,

in our minds, okay?

00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:51,850

But Mr. Hankey seems so real.

00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,310

Well, of course he does,

00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:54,728

in your screwed up

little head,

00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:57,230

he's the only friend

you have.

00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:01,359

Kyle!

Howdy-ho!

00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,154

Right now you're nuttier

than Chinese chicken salad.

00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:07,032

I mean you're one

screwed up little kid.

00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:11,369

Do you understand?

00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,079

So try and

stay positive,

00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,664

stay away from drugs

and alcohol.

00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:16,416

And in the meantime,

00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,752

I'm gonna put on a heavy

regimen of Prozac...

00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:21,046

[gasps]

00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:24,966

Oh, oh my God,

you sick little monkey!

00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,509

Okay children,

00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,011

we just received word

from the mayor

00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,554

that the Christmas play

00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,264

can't include

any Christmas lights,

00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:35,143

since they offend

people with epilepsy.

00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,645

So Kenny,

would you please go over

00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,688

and pull the light cords

out of the wall?

00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,443

Careful now Kenny,

00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,070

those are very, very

dangerous.

00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,869

Okay, now let's practice

our...

00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,412

No, get away from me!

00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:55,789

Here, just look more

closely at it.

00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:57,624

No, go away!

00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:00,085

Stan, you need to do

something about your friend.

00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,795

Okay?

00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,213

Get him out of here

before he hurts anybody!

00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:04,589

Okay?

00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,135

Hello, we need to commit

our friend Kyle, please.

00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,096

Reason?

00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:12,305

I'm a clinically depressed

fecalphiliac on Prozac.

00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:14,224

Any allergies?

- No.

00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:17,936

Jacket!

00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:19,980

Bye Kyle,

happy Chanukah.

00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,236

Okay children,

00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,738

does everyone have

their leotards on?

00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:32,617

Good, it looks like they've

taken the Christmas trees down.

00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,120

Yes, and there's nothing

Christian either.

00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,955

This should be great.

00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,499

Oh, this could be such

a wonderful Christmas play.

00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,751

I wish our little Kyle

was here to see it.

00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,044

♪ Dreidel, dreidel,

dreidel ♪

00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,462

♪ I made you out of clay ♪

00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:45,797

♪ Dreidel, dreidel,

dreidel ♪

00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:47,298

♪ With dreidel I will play ♪

00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,717

Second verse,

same as the first!

00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,593

♪ Dreidel, dreidel,

dreidel ♪

00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,345

Welcome to the South Park

elementary holiday...

00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,681

Wait, wait, there's

a star above the stage.

00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:57,017

That's very offensive

to non-Christians.

00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,768

Oh come on.

00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,104

Hey, don't push your

beliefs on me, buddy!

00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:03,523

I agree.

- Oh brother!

00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,358

Kenny would you

please climb that ladder

00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,444

and take down the star

above the stage.

00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,112

And be careful not to fall

00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,739

in that little pool

below you Kenny.

00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,323

The shark for

the third act is in there.

00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,617

Hmm?

00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:16,494

Ladies and gentlemen,

00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:18,955

welcome to the South Park

Elementary holiday experience.

00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,665

Before we bring out

the kiddies for the play,

00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,043

here's a non-offensive,

non-denominational

00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,962

holiday song

by the school chef.

00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:30,050

♪ I'm gonna lay

you down by the yule log ♪

00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:33,303

♪ I'm gonna

love you right ♪

00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:36,056

♪ Baby I'm gonna

deck your halls ♪

00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,476

♪ And silent your night ♪

00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:42,479

♪ You'll hear

the angel's sing ♪

00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:45,648

♪ When I'm sliding

off your bra ♪

00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:48,860

♪ I just can't wait

to jingle your bells ♪

00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,905

♪ And fa-la-la

your la ♪

00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,490

I wish Kyle was here.

00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,200

It just doesn't seem right

without him.

00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,409

Yeah, old Kyle's gonna

be locked up for a while,

00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,161

so get used to it.

00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:00,371

Okay kids, get ready

to take your places.

00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:01,623

Thank you, Chef.

00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,293

[cheers and applause]

00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,587

And now South Park

Elementary presents

00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:09,464

the happy, non-offensive

non-denominational

00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,424

Christmas play.

00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:14,385

With music and lyrics by

New York minimalist composer,

00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:15,804

Phillip Glass.

00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:22,519

As I turn and look

into the sun,

00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:26,731

the rays burn my eyes.

00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:30,360

How like a turtle,

the sun looks.

00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:32,403

What the hell is this?

00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,324

This is horrible.

00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,701

This is the most god-awful

piece of crap I've ever seen.

00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:40,787

Hey, you're the ones

who made it this way.

00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,914

Because the Jews said

it couldn't be Christian.

00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,416

It wasn't our idea to

take out Santa Claus.

00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,252

All you bastards

ruined Christmas!

00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,420

Get 'em in the ribs!

00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:50,672

Get 'em!

00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,423

This sucks dude.

00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:54,092

This is like the worst

Christmas I've ever seen.

00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:55,218

Yeah.

00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:57,929

Say where's Kyle?

00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,056

We committed him.

- What? Why?

00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,475

'Cause he kept seeing

this little brown piece

00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,310

of Christmas Poo

everywhere that he went.

00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:07,480

Christmas Poo?

You mean Mr. Hankey?

00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,065

Huh?

Uh-oh!

00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,529

Say kids,

why the long faces?

00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:17,031

We're bored.

- There's nothing to do.

00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,742

Well maybe this will help.

00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:21,828

Yay, Mr. Hankey

construction set!

00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:23,746

That's right kids,

00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:25,540

now you can make your

very own Mr. Hankey!

00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,167

Just use the special

fecal fishing net,

00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:29,210

and select

your best Mr. Hankey.

00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,171

That one!

00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:32,964

Then use the hand-crafted

Hankey stern to add

00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:33,965

whatever eyes, mouth,

and hats you want.

00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,592

Howdy-ho!

00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,218

I made a mariachi

Mr. Hankey.

00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:38,928

Now it's a Mrs. Hankey.

00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,722

Let's put the fez hat

on him.

00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:43,558

I wish Daddy

was still alive.

00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,394

Mr. Hankey play set comes

with everything seen.

00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,230

Hey, where's

Mr. Hankey?

00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,943

[laughter]

00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:54,986

I love you sweetheart.

00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,529

I love you too.

00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:03,411

This is horrible,

everybody is fighting

00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,163

and my best friend

is in an institution.

00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,956

All because we didn't

believe in Mr. Hankey.

00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,833

Well, you can

believe in him now.

00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,920

I believe.

00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:15,256

I believe in Mr. Hankey.

00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:18,051

Howdy-ho.

00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:20,011

Huh?

- Howdy folks.

00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:23,306

Gosh, you sure do

smell nice and flowery.

00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:26,059

Whoa!

- Howdy-ho Chef.

00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:28,228

Howdy-ho Mr. Hankey.

00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,687

Okay, that does it.

00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,731

Screw you guys,

I'm going home.

00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:34,067

Talking poo is

where I draw the line.

00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:35,944

What's all the ruckus?

00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,654

I'm glad you're here

Mr. Hankey.

00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,364

The whole town is about

to kill each other.

00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:42,200

I reckon this could

be a job for Mr. Hankey.

00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,120

[whistles]

00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,789

Stop fighting.

00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,750

Oh my god, what the hell

is that thing?

00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:53,253

Come on gang,

don't fight.

00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,213

You people focus so hard

00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:57,423

on the things

wrong with Christmas,

00:20:57,548 --> 00:21:01,594

that you've forgotten

what's so right about it.

00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,179

Don't you see?

00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,847

This is the one time of year

00:21:04,973 --> 00:21:07,600

we're supposed to forget

all the bad stuff.

00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:11,145

Stop worrying and being sad

about the state of the world,

00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:14,649

and for just one day say

"Ah, the heck with it."

00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:18,069

Let's sing and dance

and bake cookies.

00:21:21,906 --> 00:21:23,366

[single clap]

00:21:26,202 --> 00:21:29,289

[cheers and applause]

00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:31,708

Dude, this is

pretty [bleep] up.

00:21:31,833 --> 00:21:35,461

♪ I'm a Jew,

a lonely Jew ♪

00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:37,714

Howdy-ho, Kyle!

00:21:37,839 --> 00:21:39,549

Oh no...

I'm not sane yet.

00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,843

I brought some

friends with me.

00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:42,969

Friends?

00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:49,475

all: Merry Christmas,

Kyle Broslovski!

00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,476

You mean you

can see him?

00:21:50,601 --> 00:21:52,061

I'm not crazy?

00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:56,691

♪ Mr. Hankey

the Christmas Poo ♪

00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,901

♪ He loves me

I love you ♪

00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,487

♪ Therefore vicariously

he loves you ♪

00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,823

♪ Even if you're a Jew ♪

00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:06,200

♪ Sometimes he's nutty,

sometimes he's corny ♪

00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:08,953

♪ He can be brown

or greenish brown ♪

00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,497

♪ But if you eat fiber

on Christmas eve ♪

00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:13,833

♪ He might come

to your town ♪

00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:15,418

♪ Mr. Hankey... ♪

00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:18,338

Well, I got a long night

ahead of me.

00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,381

Bye-bye,

and Merry Christmas.

00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,966

Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.

00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:23,134

Bring me lots of presents!

00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:24,886

I always believed in you.

00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,180

[Santa]

Howdy-ho, ho, ho!

00:22:27,305 --> 00:22:28,806

You know, I learned

something today.

00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:30,600

I learned that

Jewish people are okay.

00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:32,393

And that Chanukah

can be cool too.

00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:33,686

Yeah.

00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:37,440

You know it seems like

something's still not right.

00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:41,194

Yeah something

feels unfinished.

00:22:41,319 --> 00:22:42,820

Well, what could it be?

00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,325

Woo-hoo hoo!

00:22:53,956 --> 00:22:56,584

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:59,504

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪