Большой Эл-гомосек и его гомояхта

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- Привет, Спарки.

- Кто это?

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Это - мой новый пес Спарки.

Привязался ко мне.

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- Уау, круто!

- Хороший мальчик. Кто мой лучший друг?

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- Кто мой лучший друг?

- Меня щас от вас стошнит!

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Он наполовину доберман, а наполовину волк.

Самый крутой пес в горах.

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Да ладно! Все знают, что Сильвестер

- самый крутой пес в Саут Парке.

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- Нифига, он не круче Спарки!

- Вот смотри. Эй, Сильвестер!

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Спарки надерет ему зад!

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- Я ставлю доллар на Сильвестра.

- Принимаю!

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Спарки! Надери ему задницу!

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Что он делает с его задницей.

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Может, и дерет он его задницу,

но как-то не так он это делает.

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Спарки, плохая собака!

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- Что?!

- Я думаю, твой пес - гомик.

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- Ты что хочешь сказать?

- Твоя собака - гомосексуалист.

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Он просто запутался.

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И здорово озадачил этим другую собаку.

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Заткнись!

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Собака Стена - гей!

Собака Стена - гей!

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Хорошо, дети, я знаю,

вы взволнованы возбуждены...

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...и с нетерпением ждете игры

на нашем поле с командной Мидл Парка.

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- Мидл Парк?

- На нашем поле?

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Помните, чему я вас учил:

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Футбол, это - как заниматься любовью

с по-настоящему красивой женщиной.

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Ты не следишь за счетом,

важен сам процесс...

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...и он доставляет истинное наслаждение.

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Теперь начнем тренировку.

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- Мистер Шеф, сэр?

- Да, Пип, в чем дело?

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- Мне не дали шлема.

- Мы не можем позволить шлемы всем.

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Мы не должны меняться

с теми, у кого нет шлема?

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- Неужели тем, у кого его нет,

всякий раз должен быть я?

- Боюсь, что так.

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Прости, сынок. Тащи свой зад туда!

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Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut...

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Мяч в игру!

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- Как идут тренировки, Шеф?

- Ну, сойдет.

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Не стоит и напоминать, как важна эта

игра для наших выпускников Саут Парка.

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- Для выпускников младших классов?

- Ну, большинство из нас

дальше не продвинулись.

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Можем ли мы сократить разрыв с Мидл Парком?

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- Я не знаю. А какой разрыв у нас?

- Мидл Парк - 70 очков.

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Я взял его! Я взял его!

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Думаю, шансов нет.

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Глупости! Не с моим племянником в защите.

Верно, Стэнли?

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- Молодчина!

- Отличный пас, Стэн!

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Нэд, быстро погнали к букмекеру!

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Дети, это была хорошая тренировка.

Увидимся завтра.

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Стэн, это не твой пес?

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Он, должно быть, за мной пришел.

Видите, он умный.

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Мой пес Рекс постоянно

ходит со мной на тренировки.

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Но мой сам нашел дорогу.

Это значит, что он умнее...

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- Спарки, фу!

- Что он делает с моим псом?

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- Опять это началось.

- Фу, Спарки!

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Стэн забыл сказать, что

его собака - гомосексуалист.

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Останови его!

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Хорошо, что моя собака не голубая.

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Может, тебе следует называть

твоего пса "Спаркетта", Стэн?

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Голубой пес.

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Итак, Саймон и Саймон не были братьями

в реальной жизни, только на ТВ.

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Спасибо, Эрик, но задание было

об Азиатской культуре. Двойка тебе.

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- Черт возьми!

- Кого мы вызовем следующим, мистер Шляпа?

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Как насчет Стэна, звездного

квотербэка нашего Южного Парка?

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Хорошая идея.

Ладно, Стэнли, ты - следующий.

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- Я пока не готов.

- Придумай что-нибудь, как это сделал Эрик.

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Ладно. Азиатская культура засоряла нашу

Землю годами. Мы должны покончить с этим...

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Потрясающе. Пятерка с минусом.

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- Вау, круто!

- Какого черта он получил пять с минусом?

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Стэнли может привести нашу команду к победе

впервые за последние десятилетия.

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Спортсмены получают лучшее,

потому что они лучше обычных людей.

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- Это несправедливо!

- Жизнь вообще несправедлива. Привыкайте.

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Глупая марионетка.

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Не забудьте про задание.

Оно для всех, кроме Стэна.

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- Мистер Гаррисон, можно вопрос?

- Что такое?

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- Кто такие гомосексуалисты?

- О, ну, Стэнли...

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...Я думаю, ты пришел

к нужному человеку. Садись.

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Стэнли, геи...

Ну, геи - это зло.

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Зло в их черных сердцах,

которые качают не кровь...

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...а рвотную нефть, что

сочится в их жилах...

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...сгустки в их мозгах,

которые являются причиной их

нацистского агрессивного поведения.

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- Понимаешь?

- Думаю, да.

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Я рад, что мы смогли об этом поговорить.

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А сейчас ты пойдешь тренироваться,

как хороший маленький гетеросексуал.

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Вы видели, как я сегодня

защиту блокировал? Я был крут.

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Тебе нужно быть намного круче,

чтобы надрать зад Ковбоям.

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Кстати о заднице, вон

идет Стэновский гомо-пес!

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Заткнись, чувак!

Спарки, откуда у тебя розовый шарф?

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Голубее собаки я не видел.

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Его нужно просто дрессировать,

и все. Сидеть, Спарки.

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Хороший пес. Дай лапу.

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Молодец. А теперь, не будь геем!

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Не будь геем, Спарк.

Не будь геем!

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- Сработало?

- Не знаю.

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Он по-прежнему выглядит голубым.

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Эй, Стэн, твоя собака ходит на гей-парады?

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Да, может быть, тебе следует сводить

его на концерт Барбары Стрейзенд?

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- Тупая голубая собака.

- Голубая собака.

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Ребята, у меня идея.

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- Я хочу поставить 500 долларов

на Коров Южного Парка.

- Ты чо, тупой?

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Я говорю вам.

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Мой новый племянник - лучший защитник,

который когда-либо был в школе.

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Я гарантирую, они сократят разрыв.

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Я поставлю все мои деньги на Коров.

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- Я тоже ставлю 300 баксов на Коров.

- Я тоже хочу поставить на Коров!

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Не стоит слишком увлекаться.

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- Лучше бы ты был прав, Джимбо.

- Не беспокойся.

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- Ты уверен, что Стэн так хорош?

- Не то, что бы уверен.

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Нам лучше придумать

запасной план

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Идемте смотреть... Эй, букмекер,

а что будет в перерыве?

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Старший брат Джона Стамоса

Ричард Стамос споет песню "Любить тебя"

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- Люблю эту песню.

- "Любить тебя?" Она потрясная.

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В Миддл Парке будет

незабываемая середина шоу.

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Спарки, у нас для тебя подарок.

Почему не...?

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Где ты это взял?

Только не розовая бандана. Плохой мальчик!

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Обрати внимание,

Спарки, это - Фифи.

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- Он туда идет.

- Молодец, возьми ее!

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Да!

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- Дерьмо! Что теперь?

- Какая разница, что твой пес - гей?

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Наверно, это не плохо.

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Никоим образом. Моя мама говорит,

что Бог ненавидит геев.

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Вот почему он сжег

Содом во Франции.

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Я знаю. Мистер Гаррисон сказал,

что гомосексуалы - зло. Но Спарки не такой.

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Может, он ошибается.

Спроси кого-нибудь еще.

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Например?

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И снова "Иисус и ребята"

на общественном городском канале.

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Угумс. Многие из вас жаждут ответов,

и я - ваш пастырь, дети мои.

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Давайте откроем линию, послушаем вопросы.

Алло, вы в эфире!

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- Ээ, это Иисус?

- Да, сын мой.

00:10:10,170 --> 00:10:15,330

Это говорит Роберт из Torrey Pines.

Я спрашивал на прошлой

неделе по поводу моей бывшей.

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- Помню, Роберт. И как оно нынче?

- Все стало гораздо лучше, Иисус.

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Она с тех пор не вякнула ни разу.

Хочу сказать спасибо за совет.

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И насчет подыхания за мои грехи.

Это было действительно

приятно с твоей стороны.

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Благословляю тебя, Роберт.

Следующий звонок, Вы в эфире!

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Привет, Иисус. У меня пес,

и он... гомосексуалист...

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Сынок, многие хотели бы знать

мое мнение о гомосексуализме.

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И хочу раз и навсегда пояснить.

Понимаешь, как...

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"Иисус и ребята" прощаются с вами!

Оставайтесь на нашем канале,

следующая передача - "Кинообзор Марти".

00:10:48,510 --> 00:10:49,770

- Твою мать!

- Что он сказал?

00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,100

Мою связь обрубил

дебильный "Кинообзор Марти"!

00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,680

"Кинообзор Марти" пошел? Охренеть!

00:10:54,850 --> 00:10:58,140

Да есть вообще кто-то,

способный мне помочь?

Есть ли кому-то дело?

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Давай, чувак... нам надо практиковаться.

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Нет, нифига не в порядке!

Я не хочу пса-гомика!

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Я хочу мачо-пса! Хочу Рин-Тин-Тина!

00:11:21,110 --> 00:11:24,600

Детишки, нужно держать мяч правильно.

00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:28,070

Возьмите его, как

держали бы свою партнершу.

00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:31,680

Нежно, но в то же время решительно.

00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:36,840

Вам хочется одновременно

тренироваться и держать.

00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:42,960

О, да. Точно, как заниматься

любовью с футболом.

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Поозорничать с футболом.

00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,230

- Шеф?

- Нежнее не бывает.

00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,890

- Шеф?

- Шлепнуть его.

00:11:52,070 --> 00:11:53,330

Шеф!

00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,270

Ой, простите, дети.

Давайте, поиграйте.

00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:00,210

- Мистер Шеф?

- У нас до сих пор нет шлема для тебя.

00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:04,340

Может быть, я сегодня надену шлем,

а кто-то другой останется без?

00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,420

Будет ли это справедливым

по отношению к другим детям?

00:12:07,590 --> 00:12:08,920

Полагаю, нет.

00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,480

Нам нужно поместить спуск на эту бомбу...

00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:16,090

...чтобы она сработала

в нужный момент в перерыве.

00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:17,750

Что за момент?

00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:22,390

Старший брат Джона Стамоса должен

будет в перерыве петь "Loving You".

00:12:22,570 --> 00:12:25,430

Нужно, чтобы бомба сработала,

когда он попадет в верхнюю фа.

00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,540

- Что такое "верхняя фа"?

- Ну это, типа. [поет]

00:12:36,450 --> 00:12:38,940

Поставить спуск на "дютындю"?

00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,140

Нет, черт возьми. На "АААААААА"!

00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,320

Угу.

00:12:48,530 --> 00:12:50,290

Ты просек.

00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:54,390

Ладно. Да-да, порядок.

00:12:54,570 --> 00:12:56,760

Ты чего такой, Стэн?

Что стряслось?

00:12:56,930 --> 00:12:59,630

Не могу сконцентрироваться

из-за моего пса-педика.

00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:04,070

Ну, как говорится: "Нельзя научить

педика-собаку кобельным трюкам".

00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,300

Ой, да перестань ты пичкать

детей гомофильской пропагандой.

00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:10,280

Чего?! Да тебе прежде

всех им симпатизировать!

00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:12,510

- В смысле?

- Ты же - гей, нет что-ли?

00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:16,480

Какого черта ты несешь?!

Я - не гей!

00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:22,420

- А ведешь себя как вылитый гомик.

- Это для приманивания цыпочек, дурья башка.

00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:25,600

- Чувак, что опять?

- Не могу найти Спарки.

00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,560

Обычно он бегает за мной на тренировку.

00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:30,860

Может быть, он пошел шопиться,

кожаных штанишек захотел?

00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,980

Здравствуй, песик!

Я - Большой Эл-гомосек.

00:13:49,150 --> 00:13:51,710

Ты бродяга?

00:13:51,890 --> 00:13:54,980

Тогда я рад, что ты нашел мой заповедник.

00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:59,620

Мы тут все - большая дружная гей-семья.

Хочешь жить с нами?

00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:04,530

Давай, дружок.

Никто не будет притеснять тебя здесь.

00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,370

Пацаны, вы Спарки не встречали?

Он до сих пор не вернулся.

00:14:08,540 --> 00:14:11,270

- Уже же два дня прошло!

- Похоже он убежал.

00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:15,240

- А бутик то ты прове...

- Мы поищем его после игры, Стэн.

00:14:15,410 --> 00:14:17,240

- Я не играю.

- Чего?!

00:14:17,410 --> 00:14:20,410

Я не буду играть в этот дебилизм.

Мне надо собаку отыскать.

00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:23,710

Давай, Нэд. Тихонько.

00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,820

- Эй, Энрике, привет.

- Что мы тут забыли?

00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:32,120

Ну, мы обычно похищаем талисман Мидл Парка.

00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:34,990

Но на сей раз мы этого коня затрояним.

00:14:35,170 --> 00:14:39,570

И когда старший брат Джона Стамоса

попадет в верхнюю фа... бабах!!

00:14:39,740 --> 00:14:42,640

И больше никаких мидлпарковских игрочил.

00:14:43,540 --> 00:14:45,570

Черт возьми, люблю я футбол!

00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:50,510

Спарки! Ау!

Где же он может быть?

00:14:57,090 --> 00:15:00,960

Всем привет, это Фрэнк Хэммонд,

Радио Саут Парка, АМ900.

00:15:01,130 --> 00:15:05,220

Добро пожаловать на сегодняшнюю встречу

Мидл Парк Ковбойс против Коров Саут Парка!

00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,260

Похоже, Шеф, тренер Коров,

малость нервничает.

00:15:08,430 --> 00:15:11,420

Похоже, причина тому

- отсутствие его куотербэка.

00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,760

Ну, давай же, Стэн.

00:15:13,940 --> 00:15:16,960

Мистер Шеф, а если Стэна не будет,

можно мне надеть его шлем?

00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:18,470

Нет, Пип, прости уж.

00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,100

Спарки!

00:15:23,650 --> 00:15:26,140

- Понеслась!

- Ты теперь куотербэк, Кайл.

00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,310

- Но я никогда не пробовал.

- Поздновато для этой херни теперь-то.

00:15:29,490 --> 00:15:33,580

Дыру в центре поля залатывает

номер 12, Кайл Брофловски.

00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,730

Не понял, где малыш Стэнли?

00:15:35,890 --> 00:15:39,020

Каково хрена этот еврейчик

играет куотербэка?

00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:44,790

Нэд, глянь! Энрике поставили на бровку.

00:15:44,970 --> 00:15:47,900

- И бомба вроде как на месте.

- Угу.

00:15:53,510 --> 00:15:55,980

Привет, дружок, как поживаешь?

00:15:56,150 --> 00:15:59,240

- Нормально, а Вы как?

- Супер! Спасибо, что спросил.

00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:02,150

Мой пес-педик сбежал.

Может быть, он пришел сюда?

00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,980

- Давай проверим. Заходи.

- У Вас тут много собак-геев?

00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:12,720

Здесь разнообразие всяких животных-геев.

Вот тут расположился гей-лев.

00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:17,360

У нас есть азиатский буйвол.

Вот стадо гусей-геев.

00:16:17,530 --> 00:16:20,470

Хай, ребята! Я супер-рад вас встретить!

00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,040

Wow, похоже эти зверьки

всамделешно счастливы.

00:16:23,210 --> 00:16:28,080

Конечно счастливы, глупый зайка!

Только тут они могут быть сами собой.

00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:30,410

Ты любишь танцевать?

00:16:33,180 --> 00:16:37,280

Картмэн, отдаешь мне мяч, кто-то бежит,

и я кидаю, или типа того. Готовы?

00:16:37,450 --> 00:16:40,690

- Ты конченный.

- Мы вам бошки вомнем внутрь.

00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:43,190

Это мы еще посмотрим.

00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,420

Становись, становись..

00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,720

- Твою мать, Картмэн!

- Что стряслось?

00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:51,770

- Картмэн пернул!

- Не, это были мои кеды.

00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,730

Давайте, Коровы!

Нам могут дать штраф на затяжку игры.

00:16:54,910 --> 00:16:57,270

- Нифига, мужик!

- Забирай мяч!

00:16:57,740 --> 00:17:00,340

- Чувак, мля.

- Давай сюда.

00:17:01,110 --> 00:17:04,050

Мяч захвачен, Мидл Парк атакует!

00:17:04,210 --> 00:17:08,210

Потеря! Мидл Парк взял мяч,

и они бегут к тачдауну!

00:17:08,390 --> 00:17:13,190

Счет 7-0 в пользу Мидл Парка,

14:57 до окончания первой четверти.

00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,760

Чертовщина.

00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:17,390

Не видел такой битвы со времен Родни Кинга!

00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,160

Эй, Фрэнк, это не ПЦ,

опять вляпаемся из-за тебя!

00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,200

Точно, буду следить за собой.

00:17:22,370 --> 00:17:26,430

Если мы потеряем бабло из-за

твоего племяша, ты будешь

сушиться на вешалке для белья, Джимбо.

00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,730

Не волнуйтесь, просто подождите перерыва.

00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:34,910

Спарки!

Привет, Спарки, как ты тут?

00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,340

Я соскучился, старик.

Ты меня реально напугал.

00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,110

Пошли домой.

Я еще могу успеть на игру.

00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:45,950

Мы сможем поработать над твоей

негейностью вместе! Спарки?

00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:50,350

- Молодой человек,

похоже, Вы не поняли до сих пор.

- Что я не понял?

00:17:50,530 --> 00:17:52,760

Пошли, я кое-что тебе покажу.

00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:55,260

Осталась минута до перерыва..

00:17:55,430 --> 00:17:59,870

...а счет 52:0 в пользу Мидл Парк Ковбойс.

00:18:01,370 --> 00:18:05,600

Не видел, чтобы англичанину так

вдували со времен Хью Гранта!

00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:09,340

- Мужик! Вот это совсем не круто!

- Прости, прости.

00:18:09,510 --> 00:18:12,710

Ладно, Стэн. Тебе стоит прокатиться

на Лодке Большого Эла-гомосека.

00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,280

Заходи на борт, Стэнли.

00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:20,620

Всем привет,

добро пожаловать на борт моей Лодки!

00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:24,780

Сегодня мы увидим мир геев сквозь время.

00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,590

Коровы принимают подачу. Удар!

00:18:28,770 --> 00:18:31,030

Принят номером 23, Кенни Маккормик.

00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,860

Он на 50, 40, 30..

00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,330

Держи его!

00:18:35,510 --> 00:18:39,460

Маленький бегун пал!

Мне кажется, он...

00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,580

Да, он обезглавлен!

00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:46,720

Боже, они убили Кенни!

Сволочи!

00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,350

- Да, это больно, Фрэнк!

- Ай-яй-яй!

00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,180

Эй! Это был грубый прием!

00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,120

Дайте нам хотя бы соскрести его с поля!

00:18:55,290 --> 00:19:00,290

Похоже, Коровам не побить 72

очкового отрыва, близко не побить.

00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:04,090

Гейство существовало испокон веков.

00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:08,200

От египетских фараонов до японских сёгунов.

00:19:08,370 --> 00:19:11,310

О-оу, берегись, это - притеснители!

00:19:11,470 --> 00:19:15,100

Христиане, республиканцы, нацисты, ой-ёй-ёй!

00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,510

Уфф, чуть не попались.

00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:23,280

Ладно, направим нашу лодку

в место, где геи живут свободно.

00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:37,460

- Что думаешь об этом, Стэн?

- Это охрененно.

00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:41,040

Прости что пытался изменить тебя, Спарк.

Я не понимал.

00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,640

Момент на вес золота!

00:19:42,810 --> 00:19:49,080

А теперь песня "Loving You"

в исполнении единственного и

неповторимого Джона Стамоса... брата!

00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:51,240

Давай, Ричард!

00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,560

Че за херня?

Он не взял верхнюю фа.

00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:12,330

Ричард не может взять фа, все время лажает.

00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:16,300

Нэд, нам надерут задницы!

00:20:16,510 --> 00:20:19,810

Ясно, куда ушел весь талант в этой семье!

00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:23,710

Спасибо за все, Большой Эл-гомосек!

00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,980

Без проблем, парень.

Уверен, что не хочешь

остаться на сэндвичи с сыром?

00:20:28,150 --> 00:20:31,450

Нет, спасибо. Мне пора возвращаться на игру.

Пошли, песик.

00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:36,960

Стэн, когда вернешься в город,

расскажи о нас, пожалуйста, хорошо?

00:20:37,130 --> 00:20:41,460

Расскажи им,

что здесь есть геи-животные,

отчаянно нуждающиеся в доме.

00:20:41,630 --> 00:20:44,430

Расскажу, Большой Эл, обязательно.

00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,540

Ой, мой морковный пирог!

00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:51,200

Мидл Парк надругался над бедными Коровами!

00:20:51,370 --> 00:20:53,870

Не видел, чтоб столько

детей было растлено с времен...

00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,270

Ты сказал, что ставка была верной, Джимбо!

00:20:57,450 --> 00:21:00,240

Мы поставили все наши

сбережения на эту игру!

00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:02,110

Ты - покойник, Джимбо!

00:21:02,290 --> 00:21:06,050

Поскорее бы это уже закончилось...

Погодите-ка, что это там?

00:21:07,860 --> 00:21:10,190

Это Стэн, звездный куотербэк Саут Парка!

00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,260

Где тебя черти носили, Стэн?!

00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:15,590

- Возвращал своего лучшего друга.

- Давай на поле, парень.

00:21:15,770 --> 00:21:18,360

Покажи им пекло, Стэнли!

00:21:18,530 --> 00:21:22,900

Иисус, я о многом не просил.

Все, что нам надо - один маленький заносик.

00:21:23,070 --> 00:21:26,130

- Прошу, прошу, Иисус!

- Да оставьте меня в покое!

00:21:27,010 --> 00:21:28,980

Стэн отходит назад...

00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:31,510

Эй, Стэн! Я свободен... вроде.

00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,310

И он кидает мяч Кайлу, маленькому еврейчику.

00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:40,010

Ой мой! Не видел таких еврейских

бегов с времен Польши, 1938!

00:21:40,190 --> 00:21:41,850

Мужик!

00:21:42,830 --> 00:21:45,290

Тачдаун!

00:21:45,460 --> 00:21:50,830

Финальный счет 73:6 в пользу Мидл Парка.

00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,470

Саут Парк сократил отрыв!

00:21:56,370 --> 00:21:57,500

Речь!

00:21:57,670 --> 00:22:02,700

Стэн, что ты хочешь поведать миру

об этой фееричной практически победе?

00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,750

Реально клево, что мы

сократили отрыв от Ковбоев.

00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:07,010

Да, так держать!

00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:11,180

И, может быть, мы сможем сделать

их еще больше в следующем году.

00:22:11,350 --> 00:22:15,650

- И быть геем - нормально.

- Чего?

00:22:15,830 --> 00:22:18,920

Быть геем - это часть

природы, и вообще прекрасно.

00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:20,890

Что за хрень он несет?

00:22:21,060 --> 00:22:24,930

Стэн, ты появился очень поздно.

Где ты был все это время?

00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:27,230

Я был с моим новым другом

Большим Элом-гомосеком.

00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:31,070

Он показал мне заповедник

и взял меня покататься на лодке...

00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,610

...где я познал волшебство гееты.

00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:36,540

Это правда, я покажу вам.

00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:43,510

Но оно было здесь, прямо тут.

Здесь был танцпол-техно.

00:22:43,690 --> 00:22:48,210

Стэн, пора тебе слезть с сиропа от кашля.

Серьезно. Я волнуюсь за тебя.

00:22:48,390 --> 00:22:52,660

Оливер! Я не видела тебя месяцы!

00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:54,560

- Сидней!

- Вилли!

00:22:54,730 --> 00:22:55,960

Карлос!

00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:59,100

Спасибо большое за то, что привел всех сюда.

00:22:59,270 --> 00:23:03,760

- Вот ты где, как дела?

- Супер, спасибо что спросил!

00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:07,170

Похоже, моя работа здесь закончена.

00:23:08,110 --> 00:23:11,410

Прощай, Стэнли! Мир тебе!

00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,510

- Эй, ребята, я могу!

- Что можешь?

00:23:23,260 --> 00:23:24,520

Нет!

00:23:30,699 --> 00:23:33,702

Переведено на сайте www.notabenoid.com

http://notabenoid.com/book/10656/35017

00:23:33,744 --> 00:23:37,706

Переводчики:

Wisem, guarin, simuladora, Lendis.

00:00:04,255 --> 00:00:06,298

Beefcake.

- I'll tell you.

00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,134

That is a hoot and a holler.

00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,677

This next episode

is definitely

00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:11,429

both Trey and I's

favorite episode.

00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,889

It's called "Big Gay AI's

Big Gay Boat Ride."

00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,349

In it, Stan finds out

00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,476

that his dog Sparky

is a homosexual.

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:21,188

How did your preoccupation

with homosexuality develop?

00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:22,898

Well, we have noticed

that America

00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:25,234

definitely has a preoccupation

with gayness,

00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,861

but we felt there was

a part of homosexuality

00:00:26,986 --> 00:00:28,571

that has been left unexplored,

00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,199

and that's animal

homosexuality.

00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,702

I know people are curious

about the two of you too.

00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,704

Are you guys, uh...

00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:38,539

a couple,

if you know what I mean?

00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,708

You--you mean, are we gay?

00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,209

Yeah.

00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:45,087

Well, I am a little.

00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,797

I guess we're all

a little gay.

00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:49,759

Even little Scratch here.

- Yeah.

00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,178

You must have gotten a lot

of mail on this episode.

00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:53,471

What kinds of stuff

do you get in the mail

00:00:53,596 --> 00:00:55,347

from fans in general?

00:00:55,473 --> 00:00:58,309

We have great fans

and great fan mail.

00:00:58,434 --> 00:00:59,810

People write such interesting,

00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,812

fascinating things to us

every week.

00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,689

Let me give you an example.

00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:06,108

"Dear Trey and Matt,

00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,027

I like your show."

00:01:09,195 --> 00:01:10,988

That's from Tom in New Jersey.

00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,659

Why does Kenny have to die

so often and so horribly?

00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:16,744

Because he's poor.

00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:18,454

Aw.

00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,206

Guys, is there stuff

you put into the show

00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,833

that's subliminal,

kind of like a little reward

00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:25,044

for the fans who are

really paying attention?

00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:28,130

Yes. We definitely feel

we owe it to our hardcore fans

00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,841

to put hidden subliminal

messages in every episode.

00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,718

That way, they can watch

the episode over and over

00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,011

and find something new

every time.

00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,054

For instance,

in this episode,

00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:36,847

if you look really hard,

00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,517

you can find a picture of me

having sex with Matt's mom.

00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:40,893

What?

00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,354

So now sit back,

relax, and enjoy

00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,773

"Big Gay AI's

Big Gay Boat Ride."

00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,121

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:00,246 --> 00:02:02,123

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:03,833

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,376

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:06,836

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,671

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,381

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:11,882

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor." ♪

00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,384

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,136

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,807

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,559

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:23,936

Hey, where's

the school bus?

00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,646

We're gonna be late

for football practice.

00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:27,398

Hiya, Sparky.

- Who's that?

00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:28,691

That's my new dog Sparky.

00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,151

He followed me to the bus stop.

00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:31,694

Wow, cool!

- Good boy, Sparky.

00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,154

Who's my best buddy?

00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:34,780

Who's your boy?

Who's your buddy?

00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,824

Ugh.

You're making me sick, dude.

00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:38,784

He's part Doberman

and part wolf.

00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,536

He's the toughest dog

on the mountain.

00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,788

No way. Everybody knows

that Sylvester

00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,624

is the toughest dog

in South Park.

00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,586

He's not meaner

than Sparky!

00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,171

Oh, yeah?

Let's see.

00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,255

Hey, Sylvester!

00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,756

Sparky'll kick his ass!

00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:54,508

I'll put a dollar

on Sylvester.

00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,801

You're on, dude.

00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,637

That's it, Sparky,

kick his ass!

00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:04,435

Huh. He's doing

something to his ass.

00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,395

He's not kicking his ass,

but he's definitely

00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:07,980

doing something

to his ass.

00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:09,690

Sparky, bad dog!

00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,276

What?

- Yeah, dude.

00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:13,360

I think your dog is gay.

00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,653

What do you mean?

00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,614

That dog is a gay homosexual.

00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,533

He's just confused.

00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,285

I think the other dog's

the one that's confused.

00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:23,746

Sick! Shut up, dude.

00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:26,957

♪ Stan's dog's a homo ♪

00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,084

♪ Stan's dog's a homo ♪

00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,129

Okay, children,

I know that you're all

00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,381

extremely excited

and nervous and anxious

00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:37,343

about the homecoming game

against Middle Park.

00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:38,969

Who's Middle Park?

- What's homecoming?

00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,679

But just remember

what I taught you

00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,598

that football

is like making love

00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,309

to a really beautiful woman.

00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:48,020

You can't always score,

but when you do,

00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,648

it makes all the trying

worthwhile.

00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,692

Now let's start practice.

00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:55,027

Uh, Mr. Chef, sir?

00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,612

Yes, Pip, what is it?

00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,905

I still don't

have a helmet.

00:03:58,030 --> 00:03:59,114

I know, Pip.

00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,115

The school can't afford helmets

00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:01,367

for everybody.

00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:02,952

Yes, but couldn't we rotate

00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,370

who doesn't have a helmet

every week?

00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:05,871

Does it always

have to be me?

00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:08,249

Yes, Pip,

I'm afraid it does.

00:04:08,374 --> 00:04:09,708

Oh.

- Sorry, son.

00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,460

Now get your ass in there.

00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,921

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:15,881

Hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut,

00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:17,049

hut, hut, hut.

00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,760

Hike the damn ball!

00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:22,888

Hey, how's practice

00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,014

coming there, Chef?

00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,474

Huh? Oh, fine, fine.

00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,892

I don't have to

remind you

00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,602

just how important

this game is

00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,354

to us South Park alumni.

00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:31,897

Elementary school alumni?

00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,565

That's as far as

most of us got.

00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:35,567

You think we have a shot

at beating the spread

00:04:35,693 --> 00:04:37,152

against Middle Park

this year?

00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:39,363

I don't know.

What--what's the spread?

00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:42,241

Middle park by 70 points.

- Hmm.

00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,368

Hey, I got it!

- I got it, I got it!

00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,829

I don't think

we have a chance.

00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,498

Nonsense, not with my nephew

a quarterback.

00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,041

Right, Stanley?

00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,251

Huh?

00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,299

Attaboy!

- Great pass, Stan!

00:04:58,424 --> 00:04:59,633

Come on, Ned,

we got to get our asses

00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,218

to the bookie!

00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,431

Okay, that was

a good practice, children.

00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,308

We'll see you here again

tomorrow.

00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:09,143

Hey, Stan, isn't

that your dog?

00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:11,645

Yeah, he must have followed

me to football practice.

00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,188

You see,

he is smart.

00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,773

Uh, my dog Rex

follows me

00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,026

to football practice

all the time.

00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:18,986

Yeah, but my dog

found his own way here.

00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:20,404

That makes him smarter

than your--

00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,323

Sparky, get down!

00:05:22,448 --> 00:05:24,283

Oh, my God,

what is he doing to my dog?

00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:25,617

There he goes again.

00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:27,202

Get down, Sparky, down!

00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:28,871

Stan forgot to mention

that his dog

00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,289

is a gay homosexual.

00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:31,832

Make him stop!

00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,712

I'm sure glad

my dog isn't gay!

00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,673

Yeah, maybe you should

name your dog Sparkette, Stan.

00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,301

Gay dog.

00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,013

And so you see,

Simon and Simon

00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,765

were not brothers in real life,

00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,641

only on television.

00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,353

Thank you

for that presentation, Eric,

00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,563

but the assignment

was on Asian cultures.

00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:55,773

You get a D-minus.

00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:57,358

Aw, damn it!

00:05:57,483 --> 00:05:59,318

Who should we call on

next, Mr. Hat?

00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:02,696

How about Stan, our little

South Park quarterback star?

00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:03,906

Oh, good idea.

00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,491

Okay, Stanley, you're next.

00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,201

Um, I'm not really prepared

either.

00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,661

Well, just make something up

like Eric did.

00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,121

Okay, um,

00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,790

Asian culture has...

00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,375

plagued our fragile Earth

for many years.

00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,459

We must end it--

00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:16,835

Excellent. A-minus!

00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:17,920

Hey!

- Wow, cool!

00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:18,962

Wait a minute!

00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:19,963

Why the hell does he get

00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,131

an A-minus?

00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,508

Eric, Stanley just might

00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,801

lead our team to victory

00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,177

against the Middle Park Cowboys

00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,845

for the first time in decades.

00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,555

And we treat star athletes

better

00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:29,932

because they're better people.

00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,016

That's not fair!

00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:32,017

Life isn't fair, kiddo.

00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,310

Get used to it.

00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,145

Stupid puppet.

00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,189

Don't forget your assignments

tonight, children.

00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,358

They're due tomorrow

for everybody but Stan.

00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:41,235

Mr. Garrison,

can I ask you a question?

00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,945

Of course, Stanley.

What is it?

00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,280

What's a homosexual?

00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:46,740

Oh, well, Stanley,

00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,659

I guess you came

to the right person.

00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:50,119

Sit down.

00:06:50,953 --> 00:06:53,580

Stanley, gay people...

00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,542

well, gay people are evil.

00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,752

Evil right down

to their cold, black hearts,

00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,838

which pump not blood

like yours and mine,

00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,714

but rather

a thick vomitus oil

00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,383

that oozes through

their rotten veins

00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:06,260

and clots

in their pea-sized brains,

00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,387

which becomes the cause

of their Nazi-esque patterns

00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,013

of violent behavior.

00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:12,641

Do you understand?

- I guess.

00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,893

Good, I'm glad we could have

this little talk, Stanley.

00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,395

Now you go outside

and practice football

00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,188

like a good

little heterosexual.

00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,526

You guys see me

block that defense today?

00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,278

I was kicking ass.

00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:25,737

You're gonna need to

kick more ass than that

00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:27,156

to beat the Cowboys.

00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,116

Hey,

speaking of pounding ass,

00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,826

here comes Stan's

little homo dog!

00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,369

Shut up, dude!

00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,329

Sparky, where'd you get

that pink scarf?

00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:36,582

Man, that is the gayest dog

00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:37,833

I have ever seen.

00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:38,834

He just needs some training,

00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:39,835

that's all.

00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,295

Sit, Sparky.

00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:43,922

Good boy.

Now shake.

00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,885

Good boy.

Now don't be gay!

00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,220

Don't be gay, Spark.

00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,221

Don't be gay.

00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,057

Did it work?

- I don't know.

00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,976

He still looks

pretty gay to me.

00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:59,188

Hey, Stan, your dog been

to any pride marches lately?

00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,482

Yeah, maybe you

should take him

00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,192

to a Barbra Streisand concert.

00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,862

Stupid little gay dog.

- Gay dog.

00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,614

Come on, you guys.

I have an idea.

00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:17,331

I want $500

on the South Park cows.

00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,582

Are you crazy?

00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:19,958

No, sirree, I'm telling you,

00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,460

I got the line.

00:08:21,585 --> 00:08:23,504

My nephew Stan is

the best quarterback

00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:25,088

the school's ever seen.

00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,883

I guarantee

they'll beat the spread.

00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,052

I'm gonna put all my money

on the Cows.

00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,387

I'll put $300 on the Cows

too, if they guarantee...

00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:35,349

Hey, I want to put some money

on the cows too.

00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:36,934

Whoa, whoa!

00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,977

Don't get too carried away,

now.

00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,146

You better be right

about this, Jimbo.

00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,648

Yeah.

00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:44,441

Uh, don't--

don't worry yourself.

00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,693

Are you sure Stan

is that good?

00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,862

Well, not that sure.

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,989

I think we better come up

with a backup plan.

00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,866

Uh, let's see here.

00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,201

Hey, bookie, what--

00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:55,577

what's the halftime show

gonna be?

00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,246

You haven't heard?

00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:59,665

John Stamos' older brother

Richard Stamos

00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,291

is gonna sing

"Loving You".

00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:02,751

I love that song.

00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,128

"Loving you"?

That's perfect.

00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:06,964

Come on, Ned,

Middle Park's gonna get

00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,341

a halftime show

they'll never forget.

00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,928

Okay, Sparky,

we got you a present.

00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,264

Now why don't--damn it, Sparky,

00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,306

where do you keep

getting this thing?

00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:17,307

No pink bandana, Sparky.

00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:18,308

Bad dog!

00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,643

Now pay attention.

00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:22,062

Sparky, this is Fifi.

00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,438

Ooh la la!

00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:24,690

There he goes.

00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:26,483

Attaboy, Spark, get her!

00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:28,569

Yes!

00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,657

Ah, crap.

Now what do I do?

00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:34,825

Who cares if your dog is gay?

00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:36,034

Maybe it's not that bad.

00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,411

No way, dude, my mom says

00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:39,121

God hates gay people.

00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:42,165

That's why he smote

the sodomies in France.

00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:45,168

I know, Mr. Garrison said

00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:46,795

that homosexuals

are evil, but...

00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,380

but Sparky doesn't seem evil.

00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,173

Well, maybe Mr. Garrison

is wrong.

00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,174

You should ask

somebody else.

00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,759

Like who?

00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,303

And now back to

"Jesus and Pals"

00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,471

on South Park

public access.

00:09:56,597 --> 00:10:00,142

Yea, many of you

are seeking answers,

00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,769

and I am the way for you,

my children.

00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:03,812

Let's open the phone lines

back up

00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,272

for some questions.

00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,232

Hello, caller,

you're on the air.

00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,568

Yeah, is--is this Jesus?

- Yes, my son.

00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:12,362

This is Robert

from Torrey Pines.

00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,990

I called last week asking

for advice on my ex-wife.

00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,367

Of course, Robert.

How are things now?

00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:18,744

Everything is much

better, Jesus.

00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:20,495

She hasn't mouthed off since.

00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,748

I just wanted to thank you

for the advice.

00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,583

Oh, and for--

for dying for my sins too.

00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:25,792

That was really nice of you.

00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,294

Blessed art thou, Robert.

00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,004

Next caller,

you're on the air.

00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,505

Uh, hi, Jesus?

00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,966

I have a dog, and he's a--

00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,843

he's a homosexual.

00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,179

My son,

a lot of people have wondered

00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,890

what my stance

on homosexuality is,

00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,391

so I'd like to state

once and for all

00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,518

my true opinion.

You see...

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,562

That's all the time we have

left for "Jesus and Pals."

00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,856

Now stay tuned for

"Marty's Movie Reviews."

00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,691

Damn it!

- What'd he say?

00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,860

I got cut off for

Marty's stupid movie reviews!

00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,363

Oh, "Marty's Movie Reviews"

are on? Kickass!

00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,156

Isn't there anybody

who can help me?

00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:57,866

Isn't there anybody

who cares?

00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,576

Come on, dude,

we have to get to practice.

00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,245

No, it's not okay.

I don't want a gay dog.

00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:04,915

I want a butch dog.

I want a Rin Tin Tin.

00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:21,848

Now, children,

00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,309

we've got to handle

the ball better.

00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,769

You've got to hold

your football

00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,729

like you would hold

your lover.

00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,940

Gently, yet firmly.

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,485

You want to be both nurturing

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,279

and clinging

at the same time.

00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:38,073

Oh, yeah.

00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:42,661

♪ Just like making sweet love

to the football ♪

00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,414

♪ Be naughty

with the football ♪

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,873

♪ Mmm ♪

00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:47,999

Uh, Chef?

- ♪ Spank it ♪

00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,960

♪ Ever so gently ♪

00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628

Chef?

- ♪ Spank it ♪

00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:54,089

Chef!

- Oh, uh, sorry, children.

00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,632

Uh, let's run some plays.

00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,259

Ah, Mr. Chef, sir?

00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,053

No, Pip, we still don't

have a helmet for you.

00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,347

Righto, but how about

I'll use a helmet today,

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,015

and one of the other

children goes without.

00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:06,268

That wouldn't be very fair

to the other children,

00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,352

now, would it?

00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:08,770

Oh, I--I guess not.

00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,398

What we want

to do here, Carl,

00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,525

is put a trigger on that bomb

that makes it go off

00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,819

at a specific moment

during halftime.

00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:17,487

And what moment

would that be?

00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:19,781

Well, John Stamos'

older brother

00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,200

is all set to sing "Loving you"

during halftime.

00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:25,162

We want that bomb to go off

when he hits that high F.

00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:26,329

What high F?

00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:27,372

You know...

00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,040

♪ Loving you ♪

00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,877

♪ Is easy 'cause

you're beautiful ♪

00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:34,004

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,006

♪ Ahh ♪

00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,675

So you want the trigger

on the "doot'n doo"?

00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,887

No, damn it,

the "Ahh"!

00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,430

♪ Ahh ♪

- ♪ Ahh ♪

00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,767

Great.

- ♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,560

♪ Ahh ♪

- ♪ Doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,645

You got it.

- ♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,272

♪ Ahh ♪

00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,107

All right. Yeah, okay.

00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,275

What's the matter, Stan?

00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,526

You seem down.

00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:57,944

I just--I can't concentrate

00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,279

'cause my dog is gay.

00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,781

Well, you know

what they say.

00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,575

You can't teach a gay dog

straight tricks.

00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,076

Oh, stop filling his head

00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,037

with that queer-loving

propaganda.

00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:10,040

Say what? You of all people

should be sympathetic.

00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,250

What do you mean?

- Well, you're gay, aren't you?

00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,795

What? What the hell

are you talking about?

00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,171

I am not gay!

00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,173

Well, you sure do

act like it!

00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,176

I just act that way

to get chicks, dumbass.

00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:23,845

What's the matter, dude?

00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,555

I don't know

where Sparky is.

00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,349

He usually follows me

to football practice.

00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,518

Maybe he went shopping

for some leather pants.

00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:30,602

Ow!

00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:46,117

Hello there,

little pup!

00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:47,786

I'm Big Gay Al.

00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:50,330

Have you been outcast?

00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,874

Well, then,

I'm so glad you found

00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,751

my big gay

animal sanctuary.

00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,545

We're all big gay friends

here.

00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,296

Would you like

to live with us?

00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,132

Come on in,

little fellow.

00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,260

Nobody will ever oppress you

here.

00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,596

Have you guys seen Sparky?

00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,098

He still hasn't come back.

00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,599

Wow, it's been,

like, two days.

00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,142

I think he might have

run away.

00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:12,686

Did you check

the shopping mall--

00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,770

Ow!

- We'll help you look for him

00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:15,188

after the game, Stan.

00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,857

I'm not playing.

- You what?

00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:18,149

I'm not playing

in that stupid game.

00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:20,151

I have to

find my dog.

00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:22,028

Come on, Ned,

keep quiet.

00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,488

Okay.

00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,533

Hello there, Enrique.

00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,577

What are we

doing here?

00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:29,870

Well, Ned, we always

00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:31,830

kidnap Middle Park's mascot.

00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,708

But this year, we're gonna

booby-trap it instead,

00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,418

and when John Stamos'

older brother

00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,169

hits that high F

in "Loving You,"

00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:39,296

boom!

00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:40,922

No more Middle Park players.

00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,427

God damn, I love football!

00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,722

Sparky,

where are you?

00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,223

Where could he be?

00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:58,607

Hello, everyone,

this is Frank Hammond,

00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,025

South Park Public Radio,

AM 900.

00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,484

Welcome to tonight's matchup

00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:02,986

between

the Middle Park Cowboys

00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:04,821

and the South Park Cows.

00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,948

Well, it looks like Chef,

the South Park Cows' coach,

00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:07,991

is a little nervous.

00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,034

This is probably because

00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:10,076

his star quarterback

00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,161

has yet to show up.

00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:13,622

Oh, come on, Stan.

00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,624

Uh, Mr. Chef,

if Stanley doesn't show up,

00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:16,625

can I use his helmet?

00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,209

No, Pip, I'm sorry!

00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,045

Sparky!

00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,671

Sparky!

00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,549

Play ball!

00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,092

You're gonna have to

quarterback, Kyle.

00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,594

But I never practiced

quarterback.

00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,804

It's a little late

for that bullcrap now.

00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,264

Filling in for quarterback

00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,516

is number 12,

Kyle "Broslovski."

00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,602

Hey, hey,

where's little Stanley?

00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,604

Yeah, why the hell is

that little Jewish kid

00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,022

playing quarterback?

00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,149

Ned, look.

00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,653

They've got Enrique

on their sidelines.

00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,738

And it looks like that bomb

is still attached.

00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:47,781

Yay.

00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,497

Hi, little fella,

how are you doing today?

00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,790

Fine, how are you?

00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,167

I'm super, thanks for asking.

00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,627

My gay dog ran away

and I was wondering

00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,045

if maybe he came here.

00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,130

Well, let's see.

Come on in.

00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,883

Do you have lots

of gay dogs here?

00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:08,635

We have all sorts of

gay animals here

00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:09,886

at Big Gay AI's.

00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,346

Over here we have a gay lion.

00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,639

Roar.

00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:14,057

And we have

gay water buffalo,

00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:15,308

gay hummingbirds.

00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,227

Here's a gaggle

of gay gooses!

00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:20,397

Hi, fellas,

it's so super to see you!

00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:22,899

Wow, it seems like the

animals here are really happy.

00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,985

Of course they are,

silly buns!

00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:26,486

It's the one place

where gay animals

00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:27,779

can really

be themselves.

00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:28,947

Do you like to dance?

00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:34,285

Cartman,

you hike me the ball,

00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:35,829

then somebody run,

and I'll throw it or something.

00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:37,163

- Ready?

- Break.

00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:38,707

You guys are toast.

00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,583

Yeah, we're gonna pound

your heads in.

00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,044

We'll just see

about that!

00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,170

Set, set...

00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,548

Damn it, Cartman!

00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,634

What's the matter?

- Cartman farted!

00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:51,386

No, I didn't!

That was just my shoes.

00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,721

Come on, Kyle,

00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:54,639

we'll get a delay of game

penalty!

00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,308

No way, dude!

- Hike the ball!

00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:58,685

Oh, dude, weak.

00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:00,228

That's right,

you get back there.

00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,813

Hike!

- The ball is snapped.

00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,106

Middle Park blitzes.

00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,151

Fumble!

Middle Park gets the ball.

00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,194

They run it in

for a touchdown!

00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,863

The score is 7-0,

Middle Park,

00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:13,033

with 14:57 remaining

in the first quarter.

00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:14,617

Hells bells.

00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:15,785

I haven't seen

a beating like that

00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,120

since Rodney King!

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,538

Now, Frank,

that's not very PC.

00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,165

You're gonna get us

in trouble again.

00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,083

Right, right,

I--I got to watch that.

00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,002

If we lose our money

'cause of your nephew,

00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,129

we're gonna hang you

out to dry, Jimbo.

00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,547

Don't y'all worry.

00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:29,632

You just wait till halftime.

00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,302

Sparky!

00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:34,220

Hiya, Sparky, how's it going?

00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:36,097

I missed you, old pal.

00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,474

You really had me scared.

00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:39,309

Come on, let's go home.

00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,061

I can still make it

in time for the game.

00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,146

We can work on making you

not gay together.

00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:45,774

Sparky?

00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,067

Young man, it appears

00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,693

you still don't understand.

00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:49,694

What don't I understand?

00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:50,945

Come this way.

00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,655

I have to show you something.

00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,532

With just over a minute to go

in the half,

00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,868

the score is

Middle Park Cowboys 52,

00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,870

South Park Cows, zero.

00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,208

Oh, my!

I haven't seen an Englishman

00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,627

take a blow like that

since Hugh Grant!

00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,504

Dude!

Now, that is not cool.

00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:09,214

Sorry, sorry.

00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,799

Okay, Stan, I think

you should get in line

00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,717

for my big gay boat ride.

00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:15,011

Step aboard, Stanley.

00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,057

Hello, everyone,

and welcome aboard

00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:20,058

the big gay boat ride!

00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:21,601

On this adventure,

00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:22,727

we'll be seeing

the world of gayness

00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,687

throughout time.

00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:26,689

And the South Park Cows

are set to receive.

00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:28,149

There's the kick.

00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,944

It's taken by number 23,

Kenny McCormick.

00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:33,738

He's at the 50,

the 40, the 30...

00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:37,492

The little running back

is down!

00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,244

I think he's...

00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,454

yes, he's been decapitated!

00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,414

Oh, my God,

00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:44,707

they killed Kenny!

00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,626

You bastards!

00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,211

That's got to hurt, Frank!

00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:49,212

Ouch-eroo!

00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:50,755

Hey, come on,

00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,340

that was roughing!

00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,634

At least let us

scrape him off the field!

00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,302

Looks like

the South Park Cows

00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:58,429

aren't even gonna beat

the 72-point spread,

00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,181

not by a long shot.

00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,183

You see, gayness has existed

00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,977

since the beginning of time,

00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,812

from the Egyptian pharaohs,

00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:08,064

to the shoguns of Japan.

00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:11,151

Uh-oh, look out,

it's the oppressors!

00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,736

Christians and Republicans

and Nazis, oh my!

00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,407

Oh! Oh, gosh, that was close.

00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,534

Okay, let's steer

our big gay boat out of here

00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,203

and into a place where gays

are allowed to live freely.

00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,457

♪ We are gay

and it's okay ♪

00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,835

♪ 'Cause gay means happy

and happy means gay ♪

00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,420

♪ We're not sad anymore ♪

00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:31,880

♪ 'Cause we're out

the closet door ♪

00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,424

♪ It's okay to be gay ♪

00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:35,800

So what do you think, Stan?

00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,343

This kicks ass.

00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,179

I'm sorry I tried

to change you, Spark.

00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:40,930

I just didn't understand.

00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:42,515

Isn't this precious?

00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,267

And now here to sing

the touching song

00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,436

"Loving You"

is the one and only,

00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:48,938

John Stamos' brother!

00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,315

All right, Richard!

00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:55,028

♪ Loving you ♪

00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:59,324

♪ Is easy

'cause you're beautiful ♪

00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:02,035

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,120

♪ Ahh ♪

00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:05,705

♪ Ahh ♪

00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:06,873

What the hell?

00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:08,333

He didn't sing the high F!

00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,210

Richard Stamos

can't sing a high F.

00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:12,170

He always screws it up

like this.

00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,672

Ned, we are gonna

get our asses kicked!

00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:16,174

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:17,634

It's obvious where

all the talent

00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:19,636

in that family went!

00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,973

Thanks for everything,

Big Gay Al.

00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,308

No problem, kids.

00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,643

Are you sure

you don't want to stay

00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,102

for some toasted

cheese sandwiches?

00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:29,270

No thanks.

I've got to get back

00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,355

for the big football game.

00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,481

Come on, boy.

00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:33,107

Oh, Stan...

00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,859

when you get back to town,

00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,028

tell them about us,

will you?

00:20:37,153 --> 00:20:39,030

Tell them there are

gay animals here

00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,491

who need homes,

desperately.

00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:42,659

I will, Big Gay Al.

00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:43,826

I will.

00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,705

Oh, my carrot cake.

00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,083

And these South Park Cows

are being absolutely

00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:51,876

molested by Middle Park.

00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,920

I haven't seen so many

children molested since...

00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,505

I thought you said

beating the spread

00:20:55,630 --> 00:20:57,257

was a sure thing, Jimbo!

00:20:57,382 --> 00:21:00,343

Yeah, we all put our

life savings in this game!

00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:02,136

You're a dead man,

Jimbo!

00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:03,930

Well, this should

just about wrap it up for--

00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,099

wait a minute, what's this?

00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:07,767

Yeah! Yoo-hoo!

00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,228

It's Stan, the South Park

star quarterback.

00:21:10,353 --> 00:21:12,272

Where the hell

have you been, Stan?

00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:13,940

I've been getting

my best friend back.

00:21:14,065 --> 00:21:15,650

Just get in there, boy.

00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,235

Give 'em hell, Stanley!

00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:20,905

Jesus...now, I haven't

asked you for much.

00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,907

But all we need is

one little score.

00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:24,826

Please,

please, Jesus.

00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:26,244

Leave me alone.

00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:27,662

Hike!

- Stan hikes the ball.

00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:28,997

He steps back to pass.

00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:31,541

Hey, Stan,

I'm open I think.

00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:33,918

And he throws it to Kyle,

the little Jewish kid.

00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,005

Oh, my!

00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:38,464

I haven't seen a Jew

run like that

00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,216

since Poland, 1938!

00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:41,426

Dude!

00:21:42,552 --> 00:21:43,803

Touchdown!

00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:45,513

Yeah!

- Whoo!

00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:47,140

The clock runs out,

and the final score is

00:21:47,265 --> 00:21:49,017

Middle Park Cowboys 73,

00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:50,893

South Park Cows 6.

00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:53,479

South Park

beats the spread.

00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,024

Yeah! Yoo-hoo!

00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,525

Speech!

00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,193

Stan, what do you want

to tell the world

00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:01,571

about this stunning

almost victory?

00:22:01,696 --> 00:22:03,614

Uh, it's really cool

00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,408

that we beat the spread

against the Cowboys.

00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:07,076

Yeah, all right!

00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:09,996

And maybe we can beat 'em

even more next year.

00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:11,205

Whoo!

00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:13,416

And it's okay to be gay.

00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:15,668

What?

00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,503

Being gay is just

part of nature

00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:18,963

and a beautiful thing.

00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:20,923

What the hell is

he talking about?

00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:23,343

Uh, Stanley, you arrived

very late in the game.

00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:25,011

Where were you

that whole time?

00:22:25,136 --> 00:22:27,138

I was with my new friend,

Big Gay Al.

00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,057

He showed me

his big gay animal sanctuary

00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:30,767

and took me

on a big gay boat ride,

00:22:30,892 --> 00:22:33,186

where I learned all about

the wonders of gaiety.

00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,689

It's true.

I'll show you.

00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:41,444

But it was here.

It was all right here.

00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:43,488

There--there was

a techno dance club.

00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:45,490

Stan, you need to lay off

the cough syrup.

00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:46,866

All right?

Seriously.

00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:48,242

I'm worried

about you, man.

00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:49,660

Oliver!

00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:50,912

I thought you ran away

00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,622

all those months ago.

00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:53,623

Sidney!

00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:54,624

Willie!

00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:56,042

Carlos!

00:22:56,167 --> 00:22:57,377

I want to thank you so much

00:22:57,502 --> 00:22:59,045

for bringing everybody here.

00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,464

Oh, there you are, dude.

How's it going?

00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:03,758

I'm super,

thanks for asking.

00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,010

It looks like now

my work here is done.

00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:10,181

Good-bye, Stanley.

Peace be with you.

00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,224

Wow!

00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,562

You guys, you guys!

I can do it.

00:23:16,687 --> 00:23:17,563

Do what?

00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:19,273

♪ Loving you ♪

00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:22,110

♪ Is easy 'cause

you're beautiful ♪

00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:23,111

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:23:23,236 --> 00:23:24,570

No!

00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:25,822

♪ Ahh ♪

00:23:27,365 --> 00:23:29,784

♪ Now you're a man ♪

00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,160

♪ A man, man, man ♪

00:23:31,285 --> 00:23:32,829

♪ Now you're a man, man ♪

00:23:32,954 --> 00:23:34,372

♪ Man, man, man, man, man ♪

00:23:34,497 --> 00:23:36,541

♪ Now you're a man ♪

00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,084

♪ M-A-N, man ♪

00:23:38,209 --> 00:23:42,046

♪ Man, man, man, man ♪

00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:44,090

♪ Now you're a man ♪

00:00:02,962 --> 00:00:04,130

Oh, boy.

00:00:04,255 --> 00:00:06,298

Beefcake.

- I'll tell you.

00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,134

That is a hoot and a holler.

- [sighs]

00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,677

This next episode

is definitely

00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:11,429

both Trey and I's

favorite episode.

00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,889

It's called "Big Gay AI's

Big Gay Boat Ride."

00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,349

In it, Stan finds out

00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,476

that his dog Sparky

is a homosexual.

00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:21,188

[Male Voice] How did your preoccupation

with homosexuality develop?

00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:22,898

Well, we have noticed

that America

00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:25,234

definitely has a preoccupation

with gayness,

00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,861

but we felt there was

a part of homosexuality

00:00:26,986 --> 00:00:28,571

that has been left unexplored,

00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,199

and that's animal

homosexuality.

00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,702

[Male Voice] I know people are curious

about the two of you too.

00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,704

Are you guys, uh...

00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:38,539

a couple,

if you know what I mean?

00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,708

You--you mean, are we gay?

00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,209

Yeah.

00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:45,087

Well, I am a little.

00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,797

I guess we're all

a little gay.

00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:49,759

Even little Scratch here.

- Yeah.

00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,178

[Male Voice] You must have gotten a lot

of mail on this episode.

00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:53,471

What kinds of stuff

do you get in the mail

00:00:53,596 --> 00:00:55,347

from fans in general?

00:00:55,473 --> 00:00:58,309

We have great fans

and great fan mail.

00:00:58,434 --> 00:00:59,810

People write such interesting,

00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,812

fascinating things to us

every week.

00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,689

Let me give you an example.

00:01:05,024 --> 00:01:06,108

"Dear Trey and Matt,

00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,027

I like your show."

00:01:09,195 --> 00:01:10,988

That's from Tom in New Jersey.

00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,659

[Male Voice] Why does Kenny have to die

so often and so horribly?

00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:16,744

both: Because he's poor.

00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:18,454

[softly] Aw.

00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,206

[Male Voice] Guys, is there stuff

you put into the show

00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,833

that's subliminal,

kind of like a little reward

00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:25,044

for the fans who are

really paying attention?

00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:28,130

Yes. We definitely feel

we owe it to our hardcore fans

00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,841

to put hidden subliminal

messages in every episode.

00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,718

That way, they can watch

the episode over and over

00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,011

and find something new

every time.

00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,054

For instance,

in this episode,

00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:36,847

if you look really hard,

00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:39,517

you can find a picture of me

having sex with Matt's mom.

00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:40,893

What?

00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,354

So now sit back,

relax, and enjoy

00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,773

"Big Gay AI's

Big Gay Boat Ride."

00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:48,400

[pleasant music]

00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:58,619

[twangy music]

00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,121

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:00,246 --> 00:02:02,123

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:03,833

all: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,376

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:02:05,501 --> 00:02:06,836

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,671

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,381

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:11,882

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor!" ♪

00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,384

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,136

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:02:15,261 --> 00:02:18,305

[singing indistinctly]

00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,807

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,559

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:23,936

Hey, where's

the school bus?

00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,646

We're gonna be late

for football practice.

00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:27,398

Hiya, Sparky.

- Who's that?

00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:28,691

That's my new dog Sparky.

00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,151

He followed me to the bus stop.

00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:31,694

Wow, cool!

- Good boy, Sparky.

00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,154

Who's my best buddy?

00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:34,780

Who's your boy?

Who's your buddy?

00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,824

Ugh.

You're making me sick, dude.

00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:38,784

He's part Doberman

and part wolf.

00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,536

He's the toughest dog

on the mountain.

00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,788

No way. Everybody knows

that Sylvester

00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,624

is the toughest dog

in South Park.

00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,126

[growling]

00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,586

He's not meaner

than Sparky!

00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,171

Oh, yeah?

Let's see.

00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,255

Hey, Sylvester!

00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,756

Sparky'll kick his ass!

00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:54,508

I'll put a dollar

on Sylvester.

00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,801

You're on, dude.

00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,637

That's it, Sparky,

kick his ass!

00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:01,765

[dogs panting]

00:03:01,891 --> 00:03:04,435

Huh. He's doing

something to his ass.

00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,395

He's not kicking his ass,

but he's definitely

00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:07,980

doing something

to his ass.

00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:09,690

Sparky, bad dog!

00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,192

[mumbling]

00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,276

What?

- Yeah, dude.

00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:13,360

I think your dog is gay.

00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,653

What do you mean?

00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,614

That dog is a gay homosexual.

00:03:16,739 --> 00:03:17,865

[dogs panting]

00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,533

He's just confused.

00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,285

I think the other dog's

the one that's confused.

00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,369

[mumbling]

00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:23,746

Sick! Shut up, dude.

00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,206

[whining]

00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:26,957

♪ Stan's dog's a homo ♪

00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,084

♪ Stan's dog's a homo ♪

00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,129

Okay, children,

I know that you're all

00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,381

extremely excited

and nervous and anxious

00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:37,343

about the homecoming game

against Middle Park.

00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:38,969

Who's Middle Park?

- What's homecoming?

00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,679

But just remember

what I taught you

00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,598

that football

is like making love

00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,309

to a really beautiful woman.

00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:48,020

You can't always score,

but when you do,

00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,648

it makes all the trying

worthwhile.

00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,692

Now let's start practice.

[whistle blows]

00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:55,027

Uh, Mr. Chef, sir?

00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,612

Yes, Pip, what is it?

00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,905

I still don't

have a helmet.

00:03:58,030 --> 00:03:59,114

I know, Pip.

00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,115

The school can't afford helmets

00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:01,367

for everybody.

00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:02,952

Yes, but couldn't we rotate

00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,370

who doesn't have a helmet

every week?

00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:05,871

Does it always

have to be me?

00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:08,249

Yes, Pip,

I'm afraid it does.

00:04:08,374 --> 00:04:09,708

Oh.

- Sorry, son.

00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,460

Now get your ass in there.

00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,921

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.

00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:15,881

Hut, hut, hut,

hut, hut, hut,

00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:17,049

hut, hut, hut.

00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,760

Hike the damn ball!

00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:21,845

[grunts]

- [screaming]

00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:22,888

Hey, how's practice

00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,014

coming there, Chef?

00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,474

Huh? Oh, fine, fine.

00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,892

I don't have to

remind you

00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,602

just how important

this game is

00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,354

to us South Park alumni.

00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:31,897

Elementary school alumni?

00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,565

That's as far as

most of us got.

00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:35,567

You think we have a shot

at beating the spread

00:04:35,693 --> 00:04:37,152

against Middle Park

this year?

00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:39,363

I don't know.

What--what's the spread?

00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:42,241

Middle park by 70 points.

- Hmm.

00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,368

Hey, I got it!

- I got it, I got it!

00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,829

I don't think

we have a chance.

00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,498

Nonsense, not with my nephew

a quarterback.

00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,041

Right, Stanley?

00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:52,251

Huh?

00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:54,295

[grunts]

00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,299

Attaboy!

- Great pass, Stan!

00:04:58,424 --> 00:04:59,633

Come on, Ned,

we got to get our asses

00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,218

to the bookie!

00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,803

[whistle blows]

00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,431

Okay, that was

a good practice, children.

00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,308

We'll see you here again

tomorrow.

00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:09,143

Hey, Stan, isn't

that your dog?

00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:11,645

Yeah, he must have followed

me to football practice.

00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,188

You see,

he is smart.

00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,773

Uh, my dog Rex

follows me

00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,026

to football practice

all the time.

00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:18,986

Yeah, but my dog

found his own way here.

00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:20,404

That makes him smarter

than your--

00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,323

[dogs panting]

Sparky, get down!

00:05:22,448 --> 00:05:24,283

Oh, my God,

what is he doing to my dog?

00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:25,617

There he goes again.

00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:27,202

Get down, Sparky, down!

00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:28,871

Stan forgot to mention

that his dog

00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,289

is a gay homosexual.

00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:31,832

Make him stop!

00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,917

[yelping]

00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,712

[laughing] I'm sure glad

my dog isn't gay!

00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,673

Yeah, maybe you should

name your dog Sparkette, Stan.

00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,301

[laughing]

Gay dog.

00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,013

And so you see,

Simon and Simon

00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,765

were not brothers in real life,

00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,641

only on television.

00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,353

Thank you

for that presentation, Eric,

00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,563

but the assignment

was on Asian cultures.

00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:55,773

You get a D-minus.

00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:57,358

Aw, damn it!

00:05:57,483 --> 00:05:59,318

Who should we call on

next, Mr. Hat?

00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:02,696

How about Stan, our little

South Park quarterback star?

00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:03,906

Oh, good idea.

00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,491

Okay, Stanley, you're next.

00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,201

Um, I'm not really prepared

either.

00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,661

Well, just make something up

like Eric did.

00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,121

Okay, um,

00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,790

Asian culture has...

00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,375

plagued our fragile Earth

for many years.

00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,459

We must end it--

00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:16,835

Excellent. A-minus!

00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:17,920

Hey!

- Wow, cool!

00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:18,962

Wait a minute!

00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:19,963

Why the hell does he get

00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,131

an A-minus?

00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,508

Eric, Stanley just might

00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,801

lead our team to victory

00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,177

against the Middle Park Cowboys

00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,845

for the first time in decades.

00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,555

And we treat star athletes

better

00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:29,932

because they're better people.

00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,016

That's not fair!

00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:32,017

Life isn't fair, kiddo.

00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,310

Get used to it.

00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,145

Stupid puppet.

[bell rings]

00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,189

Don't forget your assignments

tonight, children.

00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,358

They're due tomorrow

for everybody but Stan.

00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:41,235

Mr. Garrison,

can I ask you a question?

00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,945

Of course, Stanley.

What is it?

00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,280

What's a homosexual?

00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:46,740

Oh, well, Stanley,

00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,659

I guess you came

to the right person.

00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:50,119

Sit down.

00:06:50,953 --> 00:06:53,580

Stanley, gay people...

00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,542

well, gay people are evil.

00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,752

Evil right down

to their cold, black hearts,

00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,838

which pump not blood

like yours and mine,

00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,714

but rather

a thick vomitus oil

00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,383

that oozes through

their rotten veins

00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:06,260

and clots

in their pea-sized brains,

00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,387

which becomes the cause

of their Nazi-esque patterns

00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,013

of violent behavior.

00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:12,641

Do you understand?

- I guess.

00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,893

Good, I'm glad we could have

this little talk, Stanley.

00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,395

Now you go outside

and practice football

00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,188

like a good

little heterosexual.

00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,482

♪♪

00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,526

You guys see me

block that defense today?

00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,278

I was kicking ass.

00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:25,737

You're gonna need to

kick more ass than that

00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:27,156

to beat the Cowboys.

00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,116

Hey,

speaking of pounding ass,

00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,826

here comes Stan's

little homo dog!

00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,369

Shut up, dude!

00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,329

Sparky, where'd you get

that pink scarf?

00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,581

[barks]

00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:36,582

Man, that is the gayest dog

00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:37,833

I have ever seen.

00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:38,834

He just needs some training,

00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:39,835

that's all.

00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,295

Sit, Sparky.

00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:43,922

Good boy.

Now shake.

00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,885

Good boy.

Now don't be gay!

00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,220

Don't be gay, Spark.

00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,221

Don't be gay.

00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:52,639

[grunts]

00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,057

Did it work?

- I don't know.

00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,976

He still looks

pretty gay to me.

00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:59,188

Hey, Stan, your dog been

to any pride marches lately?

00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,482

[laughing] Yeah, maybe you

should take him

00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,192

to a Barbra Streisand concert.

00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:04,610

[laughing]

00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,862

Stupid little gay dog.

- Gay dog.

00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,614

Come on, you guys.

I have an idea.

00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:12,117

♪♪

00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:17,331

I want $500

on the South Park cows.

00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,582

Are you crazy?

00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:19,958

No, sirree, I'm telling you,

00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,460

I got the line.

00:08:21,585 --> 00:08:23,504

My nephew Stan is

the best quarterback

00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:25,088

the school's ever seen.

00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,883

I guarantee

they'll beat the spread.

00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,052

I'm gonna put all my money

on the Cows.

00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,387

I'll put $300 on the Cows

too, if they guarantee...

00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:35,349

Hey, I want to put some money

on the cows too.

00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:36,934

Whoa, whoa!

00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,977

Don't get too carried away,

now.

00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,146

You better be right

about this, Jimbo.

00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,648

[chuckles] Yeah.

00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:44,441

Uh, don't--

don't worry yourself.

00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,693

Are you sure Stan

is that good?

00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,862

Well, not that sure.

00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,989

I think we better come up

with a backup plan.

00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:52,866

Uh, let's see here.

00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,201

Hey, bookie, what--

00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:55,577

what's the halftime show

gonna be?

00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,246

You haven't heard?

00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:59,665

John Stamos' older brother

Richard Stamos

00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,291

is gonna sing

"Loving You".

00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:02,751

I love that song.

00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,128

"Loving you"?

That's perfect.

00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:06,964

Come on, Ned,

Middle Park's gonna get

00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,341

a halftime show

they'll never forget.

00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,928

Okay, Sparky,

we got you a present.

00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,264

Now why don't--damn it, Sparky,

00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,306

where do you keep

getting this thing?

00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:17,307

No pink bandana, Sparky.

00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:18,308

Bad dog!

00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,643

Now pay attention.

00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:22,062

Sparky, this is Fifi.

00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,438

Ooh la la!

00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:24,690

There he goes.

00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:26,483

Attaboy, Spark, get her!

00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:28,569

Yes!

00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,657

Ah, crap.

Now what do I do?

00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:34,825

Who cares if your dog is gay?

00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:36,034

Maybe it's not that bad.

00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,411

No way, dude, my mom says

00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:39,121

God hates gay people.

00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:42,165

That's why he smote

the sodomies in France.

00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:43,875

[mumbling]

00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:45,168

I know, Mr. Garrison said

00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:46,795

that homosexuals

are evil, but...

00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,380

but Sparky doesn't seem evil.

00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,173

Well, maybe Mr. Garrison

is wrong.

00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,174

You should ask

somebody else.

00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,759

Like who?

00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,303

And now back to

"Jesus and Pals"

00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,471

on South Park

public access.

00:09:56,597 --> 00:10:00,142

Yea, many of you

are seeking answers,

00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,769

and I am the way for you,

my children.

00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:03,812

Let's open the phone lines

back up

00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,272

for some questions.

00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,232

Hello, caller,

you're on the air.

00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,568

Yeah, is--is this Jesus?

- Yes, my son.

00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:12,362

This is Robert

from Torrey Pines.

00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:14,990

I called last week asking

for advice on my ex-wife.

00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,367

Of course, Robert.

How are things now?

00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:18,744

Everything is much

better, Jesus.

00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:20,495

She hasn't mouthed off since.

00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:22,748

I just wanted to thank you

for the advice.

00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,583

Oh, and for--

for dying for my sins too.

00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:25,792

That was really nice of you.

00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,294

Blessed art thou, Robert.

00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,004

Next caller,

you're on the air.

00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,505

Uh, hi, Jesus?

00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,966

I have a dog, and he's a--

00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,843

he's a homosexual.

00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,179

My son,

a lot of people have wondered

00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,890

what my stance

on homosexuality is,

00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:41,391

so I'd like to state

once and for all

00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,518

my true opinion.

You see...

00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,562

That's all the time we have

left for "Jesus and Pals."

00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,856

Now stay tuned for

"Marty's Movie Reviews."

00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,691

Damn it!

- What'd he say?

00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,860

I got cut off for

Marty's stupid movie reviews!

00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,363

Oh, "Marty's Movie Reviews"

are on? Kickass!

00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,156

Isn't there anybody

who can help me?

00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:57,866

Isn't there anybody

who cares?

00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,576

Come on, dude,

we have to get to practice.

00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,245

No, it's not okay.

I don't want a gay dog.

00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:04,915

I want a butch dog.

I want a Rin Tin Tin.

00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,416

[sighs]

00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,170

[melancholy music]

00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:17,302

♪♪

00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:21,848

Now, children,

00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,309

we've got to handle

the ball better.

00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,769

You've got to hold

your football

00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,729

like you would hold

your lover.

00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,940

Gently, yet firmly.

00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,400

[funky music]

00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,485

You want to be both nurturing

00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,279

and clinging

at the same time.

00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:38,073

Oh, yeah.

00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:42,661

♪ Just like making sweet love

to the football ♪

00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,414

♪ Be naughty

with the football ♪

00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:46,873

♪ Mmm ♪

00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:47,999

Uh, Chef?

- ♪ Spank it ♪

00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,960

♪ Ever so gently ♪

00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628

Chef?

- ♪ Spank it ♪

00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:54,089

Chef!

- Oh, uh, sorry, children.

00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,632

Uh, let's run some plays.

00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,259

Ah, Mr. Chef, sir?

00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,053

No, Pip, we still don't

have a helmet for you.

00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:02,347

Righto, but how about

I'll use a helmet today,

00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,015

and one of the other

children goes without.

00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:06,268

That wouldn't be very fair

to the other children,

00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,352

now, would it?

00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:08,770

Oh, I--I guess not.

00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,398

What we want

to do here, Carl,

00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,525

is put a trigger on that bomb

that makes it go off

00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,819

at a specific moment

during halftime.

00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:17,487

And what moment

would that be?

00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:19,781

Well, John Stamos'

older brother

00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,200

is all set to sing "Loving you"

during halftime.

00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:25,162

We want that bomb to go off

when he hits that high F.

00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:26,329

What high F?

00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:27,372

You know...

00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,040

♪ Loving you ♪

00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,877

♪ Is easy 'cause

you're beautiful ♪

00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:34,004

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,006

♪ Ahh ♪

00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,675

So you want the trigger

on the "doot'n doo"?

00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,887

No, damn it,

the "Ahh"!

00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,430

♪ Ahh ♪

- ♪ Ahh ♪

00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,140

[all singing]

00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,767

Great.

- ♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,560

♪ Ahh ♪

- ♪ Doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,645

You got it.

- ♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,272

both: ♪ Ahh ♪

00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,107

All right. Yeah, okay.

00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:55,275

What's the matter, Stan?

00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,526

You seem down.

00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:57,944

I just--I can't concentrate

00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,279

'cause my dog is gay.

00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,781

Well, you know

what they say.

00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,575

You can't teach a gay dog

straight tricks.

00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,076

Oh, stop filling his head

00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,037

with that queer-loving

propaganda.

00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:10,040

Say what? You of all people

should be sympathetic.

00:13:10,165 --> 00:13:12,250

What do you mean?

- Well, you're gay, aren't you?

00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,795

What? What the hell

are you talking about?

00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,171

I am not gay!

00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,173

Well, you sure do

act like it!

00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,176

I just act that way

to get chicks, dumbass.

00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:23,845

What's the matter, dude?

00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,555

I don't know

where Sparky is.

00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,349

He usually follows me

to football practice.

00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,518

Maybe he went shopping

for some leather pants.

00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:30,602

Ow!

00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,605

[melancholy music]

00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:38,235

♪♪

00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,238

[dramatic music]

00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:44,407

♪♪

00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:46,117

Hello there,

little pup!

00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:47,786

I'm Big Gay Al.

00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:50,330

Have you been outcast?

00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,874

Well, then,

I'm so glad you found

00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,751

my big gay

animal sanctuary.

00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,545

We're all big gay friends

here.

00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,296

Would you like

to live with us?

00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,132

Come on in,

little fellow.

00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,260

Nobody will ever oppress you

here.

00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,596

Have you guys seen Sparky?

00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,098

He still hasn't come back.

00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,599

Wow, it's been,

like, two days.

00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,142

I think he might have

run away.

00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:12,686

Did you check

the shopping mall--

00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,770

Ow!

- We'll help you look for him

00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:15,188

after the game, Stan.

00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,857

I'm not playing.

- You what?

00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:18,149

I'm not playing

in that stupid game.

00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:20,151

I have to

find my dog.

00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:22,028

Come on, Ned,

keep quiet.

00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,488

Okay.

00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,533

Hello there, Enrique.

00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,577

What are we

doing here?

00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:29,870

Well, Ned, we always

00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:31,830

kidnap Middle Park's mascot.

00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,708

But this year, we're gonna

booby-trap it instead,

00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,418

and when John Stamos'

older brother

00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,169

hits that high F

in "Loving You,"

00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:39,296

boom!

00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:40,922

No more Middle Park players.

00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,133

[both laughing]

00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,427

God damn, I love football!

00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,722

Sparky,

where are you?

00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,223

Where could he be?

00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,434

[marching band music]

00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,269

[all cheering]

00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,521

♪♪

00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:58,607

Hello, everyone,

this is Frank Hammond,

00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,025

South Park Public Radio,

AM 900.

00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,484

Welcome to tonight's matchup

00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:02,986

between

the Middle Park Cowboys

00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:04,821

and the South Park Cows.

00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,948

Well, it looks like Chef,

the South Park Cows' coach,

00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:07,991

is a little nervous.

00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,034

This is probably because

00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:10,076

his star quarterback

00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,161

has yet to show up.

00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:13,622

Oh, come on, Stan.

00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,624

Uh, Mr. Chef,

if Stanley doesn't show up,

00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:16,625

can I use his helmet?

00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,209

No, Pip, I'm sorry!

00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,045

Sparky!

00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,671

Sparky!

00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,549

Play ball!

00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,092

You're gonna have to

quarterback, Kyle.

00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,594

But I never practiced

quarterback.

00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,804

It's a little late

for that bullcrap now.

00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,264

Filling in for quarterback

00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,516

is number 12,

Kyle "Broslovski."

00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,602

Hey, hey,

where's little Stanley?

00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,604

Yeah, why the hell is

that little Jewish kid

00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,022

playing quarterback?

00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,149

Ned, look.

00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,653

They've got Enrique

on their sidelines.

00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,738

And it looks like that bomb

is still attached.

00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:47,781

Yay.

00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:50,909

[wind whistling]

00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,497

Hi, little fella,

how are you doing today?

00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,790

Fine, how are you?

00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,167

I'm super, thanks for asking.

00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,627

My gay dog ran away

and I was wondering

00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,045

if maybe he came here.

00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:04,130

Well, let's see.

Come on in.

00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,883

Do you have lots

of gay dogs here?

00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:08,635

We have all sorts of

gay animals here

00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:09,886

at Big Gay AI's.

00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,346

Over here we have a gay lion.

00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,639

Roar.

00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:14,057

And we have

gay water buffalo,

00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:15,308

gay hummingbirds.

00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,227

Here's a gaggle

of gay gooses!

00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:20,397

Hi, fellas,

it's so super to see you!

00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:22,899

Wow, it seems like the

animals here are really happy.

00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,985

Of course they are,

silly buns!

00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:26,486

It's the one place

where gay animals

00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:27,779

can really

be themselves.

00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:28,947

Do you like to dance?

00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:32,242

[electronic music playing]

00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:34,285

Cartman,

you hike me the ball,

00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:35,829

then somebody run,

and I'll throw it or something.

00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:37,163

Ready?

all: Break.

00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:38,707

You guys are toast.

00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,583

Yeah, we're gonna pound

your heads in.

00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,044

We'll just see

about that!

00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,170

Set, set...

00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:45,213

[farting]

00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,548

Damn it, Cartman!

00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,634

What's the matter?

- Cartman farted!

00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:51,386

No, I didn't!

That was just my shoes.

00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,721

Come on, Kyle,

00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:54,639

we'll get a delay of game

penalty!

00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,308

No way, dude!

- Hike the ball!

00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:58,685

Oh, dude, weak.

00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:00,228

That's right,

you get back there.

00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,813

Hike!

- The ball is snapped.

00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,106

Middle Park blitzes.

00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:04,566

[all shouting]

00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,151

Fumble!

Middle Park gets the ball.

00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,194

They run it in

for a touchdown!

00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:09,863

The score is 7-0,

Middle Park,

00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:13,033

with 14:57 remaining

in the first quarter.

00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:14,617

Hells bells.

00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:15,785

I haven't seen

a beating like that

00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,120

since Rodney King!

00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,538

Now, Frank,

that's not very PC.

00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,165

You're gonna get us

in trouble again.

00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,083

Right, right,

I--I got to watch that.

00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,002

If we lose our money

'cause of your nephew,

00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,129

we're gonna hang you

out to dry, Jimbo.

00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,547

Don't y'all worry.

00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:29,632

You just wait till halftime.

[chuckles]

00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:30,842

♪♪

00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,302

Sparky!

00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:34,220

Hiya, Sparky, how's it going?

00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:36,097

[barks]

- I missed you, old pal.

00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,474

You really had me scared.

00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:39,309

[barks]

- Come on, let's go home.

00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,061

I can still make it

in time for the game.

00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,146

We can work on making you

not gay together.

00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:44,647

♪♪

00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:45,774

Sparky?

00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,067

Young man, it appears

00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,693

you still don't understand.

00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:49,694

What don't I understand?

00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:50,945

Come this way.

00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,655

I have to show you something.

00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,532

With just over a minute to go

in the half,

00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,868

the score is

Middle Park Cowboys 52,

00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,870

South Park Cows, zero.

00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,081

[all screaming]

00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:03,208

Oh, my!

I haven't seen an Englishman

00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,627

take a blow like that

since Hugh Grant!

00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,504

Dude!

Now, that is not cool.

00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:09,214

Sorry, sorry.

00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,799

Okay, Stan, I think

you should get in line

00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,717

for my big gay boat ride.

00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:15,011

Step aboard, Stanley.

00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,514

[percussive music]

00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,057

Hello, everyone,

and welcome aboard

00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:20,058

the big gay boat ride!

00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:21,601

On this adventure,

00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:22,727

we'll be seeing

the world of gayness

00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,687

throughout time.

00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:26,689

And the South Park Cows

are set to receive.

00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:28,149

There's the kick.

00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,944

It's taken by number 23,

Kenny McCormick.

00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:33,738

He's at the 50,

the 40, the 30...

00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,240

[all shouting]

00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:37,492

The little running back

is down!

00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,244

I think he's...

00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,454

yes, he's been decapitated!

00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,414

[gasps] Oh, my God,

00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:44,707

they killed Kenny!

00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,626

You bastards!

00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,211

That's got to hurt, Frank!

00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:49,212

Ouch-eroo!

00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:50,755

Hey, come on,

00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,340

that was roughing!

00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,634

At least let us

scrape him off the field!

00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,302

Looks like

the South Park Cows

00:18:56,427 --> 00:18:58,429

aren't even gonna beat

the 72-point spread,

00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,181

not by a long shot.

00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,183

You see, gayness has existed

00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,977

since the beginning of time,

00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,812

from the Egyptian pharaohs,

00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:08,064

to the shoguns of Japan.

00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:11,151

Uh-oh, look out,

it's the oppressors!

00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:13,736

Christians and Republicans

and Nazis, oh my!

00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:14,988

[gunshot]

00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,407

Oh! Oh, gosh, that was close.

00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:19,534

Okay, let's steer

our big gay boat out of here

00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,203

and into a place where gays

are allowed to live freely.

00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:26,457

all: ♪ We are gay

and it's okay ♪

00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,835

♪ 'Cause gay means happy

and happy means gay ♪

00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,420

♪ We're not sad anymore ♪

00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:31,880

♪ 'Cause we're out

the closet door ♪

00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,424

♪ It's okay to be gay ♪

00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:35,800

So what do you think, Stan?

00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,343

This kicks ass.

00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,179

I'm sorry I tried

to change you, Spark.

00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:40,930

I just didn't understand.

00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:42,515

Isn't this precious?

00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,267

And now here to sing

the touching song

00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,436

"Loving You"

is the one and only,

00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:48,938

John Stamos' brother!

00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,315

All right, Richard!

00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:52,358

[piano music]

00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:55,028

♪ Loving you ♪

00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:59,324

♪ Is easy

'cause you're beautiful ♪

00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:02,035

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,120

[off-key]

♪ Ahh ♪

00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:05,705

♪ Ahh ♪

00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:06,873

What the hell?

00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:08,333

He didn't sing the high F!

00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,210

Richard Stamos

can't sing a high F.

00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:12,170

He always screws it up

like this.

00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,672

Ned, we are gonna

get our asses kicked!

00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:16,174

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:17,634

It's obvious where

all the talent

00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:19,636

in that family went!

00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:23,973

Thanks for everything,

Big Gay Al.

00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:25,308

[barks]

- No problem, kids.

00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,643

Are you sure

you don't want to stay

00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,102

for some toasted

cheese sandwiches?

00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:29,270

No thanks.

I've got to get back

00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,355

for the big football game.

00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,481

Come on, boy.

00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:33,107

Oh, Stan...

00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,859

when you get back to town,

00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,028

tell them about us,

will you?

00:20:37,153 --> 00:20:39,030

Tell them there are

gay animals here

00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,491

who need homes,

desperately.

00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:42,659

I will, Big Gay Al.

00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:43,826

I will.

00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,705

Oh, my carrot cake.

00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,083

And these South Park Cows

are being absolutely

00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:51,876

molested by Middle Park.

00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,920

I haven't seen so many

children molested since...

00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,505

I thought you said

beating the spread

00:20:55,630 --> 00:20:57,257

was a sure thing, Jimbo!

00:20:57,382 --> 00:21:00,343

Yeah, we all put our

life savings in this game!

00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:02,136

You're a dead man,

Jimbo!

00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:03,930

Well, this should

just about wrap it up for--

00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,099

wait a minute, what's this?

00:21:06,224 --> 00:21:07,767

Yeah! Yoo-hoo!

00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,228

It's Stan, the South Park

star quarterback.

00:21:10,353 --> 00:21:12,272

Where the hell

have you been, Stan?

00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:13,940

I've been getting

my best friend back.

00:21:14,065 --> 00:21:15,650

Just get in there, boy.

00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,235

Give 'em hell, Stanley!

00:21:18,528 --> 00:21:20,905

Jesus...now, I haven't

asked you for much.

00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,907

But all we need is

one little score.

00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:24,826

Please,

please, Jesus.

00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:26,244

Leave me alone.

00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:27,662

Hike!

- Stan hikes the ball.

00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:28,997

He steps back to pass.

00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:31,541

Hey, Stan,

I'm open I think.

00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:33,918

And he throws it to Kyle,

the little Jewish kid.

00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,005

Oh, my!

00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:38,464

I haven't seen a Jew

run like that

00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,216

since Poland, 1938!

00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:41,426

Dude!

00:21:42,552 --> 00:21:43,803

Touchdown!

00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:45,513

Yeah!

- Whoo!

00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:47,140

The clock runs out,

and the final score is

00:21:47,265 --> 00:21:49,017

Middle Park Cowboys 73,

00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:50,893

South Park Cows 6.

00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:53,479

South Park

beats the spread.

00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,024

Yeah! Yoo-hoo!

00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,525

Speech!

00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,193

Stan, what do you want

to tell the world

00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:01,571

about this stunning

almost victory?

00:22:01,696 --> 00:22:03,614

Uh, it's really cool

00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,408

that we beat the spread

against the Cowboys.

00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:07,076

Yeah, all right!

00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:09,996

And maybe we can beat 'em

even more next year.

00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:11,205

Whoo!

00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:13,416

And it's okay to be gay.

00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:15,668

What?

00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,503

Being gay is just

part of nature

00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:18,963

and a beautiful thing.

00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:20,923

What the hell is

he talking about?

00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:23,343

Uh, Stanley, you arrived

very late in the game.

00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:25,011

Where were you

that whole time?

00:22:25,136 --> 00:22:27,138

I was with my new friend,

Big Gay Al.

00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,057

He showed me

his big gay animal sanctuary

00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:30,767

and took me

on a big gay boat ride,

00:22:30,892 --> 00:22:33,186

where I learned all about

the wonders of gaiety.

00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,689

It's true.

I'll show you.

00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:41,444

But it was here.

It was all right here.

00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:43,488

There--there was

a techno dance club.

00:22:43,613 --> 00:22:45,490

Stan, you need to lay off

the cough syrup.

00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:46,866

All right?

Seriously.

00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:48,242

I'm worried

about you, man.

00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:49,660

Oliver!

00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:50,912

I thought you ran away

00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,622

all those months ago.

00:22:52,747 --> 00:22:53,623

Sidney!

00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:54,624

Willie!

00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:56,042

Carlos!

00:22:56,167 --> 00:22:57,377

I want to thank you so much

00:22:57,502 --> 00:22:59,045

for bringing everybody here.

00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,464

Oh, there you are, dude.

How's it going?

00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:03,758

I'm super,

thanks for asking.

00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,010

It looks like now

my work here is done.

00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:10,181

Good-bye, Stanley.

Peace be with you.

00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,224

Wow!

00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:14,102

[shimmering tone]

00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,562

You guys, you guys!

I can do it.

00:23:16,687 --> 00:23:17,563

Do what?

00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:19,273

♪ Loving you ♪

00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:22,110

♪ Is easy 'cause

you're beautiful ♪

00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:23,111

♪ Doot'n-doot'n doo-doo ♪

00:23:23,236 --> 00:23:24,570

both: No!

00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:25,822

♪ Ahh ♪

00:23:27,365 --> 00:23:29,784

♪ Now you're a man ♪

00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,160

♪ A man, man, man ♪

00:23:31,285 --> 00:23:32,829

♪ Now you're a man, man ♪

00:23:32,954 --> 00:23:34,372

♪ Man, man, man, man, man ♪

00:23:34,497 --> 00:23:36,541

♪ Now you're a man ♪

00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,084

♪ M-A-N, man ♪

00:23:38,209 --> 00:23:42,046

♪ Man, man, man, man ♪

00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:44,090

♪ Now you're a man ♪