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Набор веса 4000
Weight Gain 4000
Сезон: 01Серия: 02
Описание
Картман выигрывает общенациональный конкурс сочинений и начинает «набирать форму» с помощью средства «Набор веса 4000». Вручать ему приз приезжает телезвезда Кэти Ли Гиффорд, которую с детства ненавидит мистер Гаррисон. Венди Тестабургер пытается доказать, что Картман в конкурсе победил нечестно, а мистер Гаррисон решает убить Кэти Ли Гиффорд.
Субтитры
- 00:02:26,615 --> 00:02:30,495 - Стэн, ты видел, какая утром радуга была? - Да, она была огромной.
- 00:02:30,695 --> 00:02:32,155 Я их ненавижу!
- 00:02:32,365 --> 00:02:36,165 - Все любят радугу. - Что в ней можно ненавидеть?
- 00:02:36,375 --> 00:02:41,505 Ну, сидишь, никого не трогаешь, и тут они маршируют в...
- 00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:45,715 ...задницу по твоей ноге и начинают кусаться.
- 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:51,925 И я им говорю: "Эй, вылезайте из моей задницы, вы, долбаные радуги!"
- 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:57,975 - Какого черта ты несешь? - Радуги. Я их ненавижу.
- 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:02,435 Радуга - это разноцветная дуга, которая появляется, когда идет дождь.
- 00:03:02,645 --> 00:03:06,945 А, радуги! О, да, они мне нравятся. Это круто.
- 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:10,365 - О чем ты говорил? - Ни о чем, забудь.
- 00:03:10,525 --> 00:03:13,865 Что маршируют по твое ноге в задницу и кусаются прямо внутри задницы?
- 00:03:14,035 --> 00:03:15,035 Ничего!
- 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:19,575 Дети, помните: конкурс докладов "Спасите Нашу хрупкую планету"...
- 00:03:19,745 --> 00:03:22,995 ...над которым мы хорошенько потрудились в прошлом месяце?
- 00:03:24,035 --> 00:03:28,795 Один из учеников Южного Парка выиграл национальный приз.
- 00:03:28,965 --> 00:03:31,045 Уау, я знала, что должна победить.
- 00:03:31,215 --> 00:03:34,755 - Мистер Гаррисон, это так волнующее. - Верно, мистер Шляпа.
- 00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:39,175 Победителем национального конкурса "Спасите Нашу Хрупкую планету" стал:
- 00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:40,635 Эрик Картман.
- 00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,055 - Что?! - Что?!
- 00:03:42,225 --> 00:03:45,475 Поздравляем, ты написал лучшую работу.
- 00:03:45,645 --> 00:03:46,895 Охренеть!
- 00:03:47,065 --> 00:03:50,775 Картман не отличит тропические леса от Pop-Tart.
- 00:03:50,935 --> 00:03:53,065 Я отличу. Pop-Tart - глазированный.
- 00:03:53,235 --> 00:03:57,575 Из более чем миллионов работ работа Эрика была выбрана победителем.
- 00:03:57,735 --> 00:04:01,905 - Уау! О чем ты написал? - Ну так... о том, о сём...
- 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:05,535 - Он даже не знает, о чем писал! - О чем была твоя работа?
- 00:04:05,705 --> 00:04:09,375 Это была работа о дельфинах-афалинах.
- 00:04:09,535 --> 00:04:13,875 Тебе не следовало писать о дельфинах. Они тупые.
- 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:18,085 Чувак, дельфины - вторые по умности среди млекопитающих планеты.
- 00:04:18,255 --> 00:04:23,465 Хорошо. Если они чертовски умны, как же они попадают в рыболовные сети?
- 00:04:23,635 --> 00:04:25,515 - Что? - Погоди, это еще не все.
- 00:04:25,675 --> 00:04:31,395 Здесь сказано, что приз Эрику будет вручать...
- 00:04:31,555 --> 00:04:33,565 ...Кэти Ли Гиффорд?
- 00:04:33,725 --> 00:04:35,685 Кэти Ли будет здесь?
- 00:04:35,895 --> 00:04:38,735 Церемония будет идти по телеку.
- 00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:40,195 По телеку?
- 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:44,325 Кэти Ли Гиффорд... Я не верю.
- 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:47,905 Кэти Ли Гиффорд в Южном Парке!
- 00:04:48,075 --> 00:04:52,165 О Боже мой! Это наш шанс прославиться...
- 00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:55,285 ...доказать, что у нас не какой-то зассанный провинциальный городишко.
- 00:04:55,455 --> 00:04:58,125 Это - Ваш шанс завоевать общественность!
- 00:04:58,295 --> 00:05:03,885 Если я смогу показать, как я изменила к лучшему Южный Парк, я смогу стать сенатором!
- 00:05:04,045 --> 00:05:08,175 - А может, даже и сенатором штата! - Давайте украсим городскую площадь!
- 00:05:08,345 --> 00:05:13,725 Мы должны заставить Шефа петь и показывать наше этническое разнообразие.
- 00:05:13,895 --> 00:05:16,725 Точно! Он же черный, да?
- 00:05:16,895 --> 00:05:18,605 Черный как ночь!
- 00:05:18,765 --> 00:05:23,145 Да! И мы можем заставить детей Южного Парка изображать игру.
- 00:05:23,315 --> 00:05:25,155 Кэти Ли любит детей.
- 00:05:25,315 --> 00:05:28,445 Если они работают на потогонном производстве, конечно.
- 00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:30,235 Спасибо.
- 00:05:30,405 --> 00:05:31,945 Эй, парни, знаете, что?
- 00:05:32,115 --> 00:05:35,825 После того, как я появлюсь по телеку, я стану суперизвестным!
- 00:05:35,995 --> 00:05:37,745 Гитлер тоже был известным.
- 00:05:37,915 --> 00:05:39,785 - Здравствуйте, дети! - Привет, Шеф!
- 00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:42,335 - Как поживают мои маленькие печенюшки? - Хорошо.
- 00:05:42,495 --> 00:05:46,425 Вы уже слышали? Кэти Ли Гиффорд приезжает в Саут Парк!
- 00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:49,965 Потому, что Картман сжульничал и выиграл конкурс эссе.
- 00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:55,805 Да какая разница. Главное, мэр позвонила и попросила меня спеть на церемонии.
- 00:05:55,975 --> 00:05:58,385 - Ты собираешься это делать? - Конечно.
- 00:05:58,515 --> 00:06:02,935 Кэти Ли - красивая знойная королева сексуальных фантазий.
- 00:06:03,105 --> 00:06:08,895 Если я спою для нее, может быть, я смогу затянуть её в ночь экзотических наслаждений.
- 00:06:09,065 --> 00:06:10,655 Да, это было бы круто!
- 00:06:12,195 --> 00:06:16,075 Ну, в любом случае, в три раза больше, чем у Фрэнка Гиффорда!
- 00:06:16,235 --> 00:06:21,365 Я так волнуюсь, что не могу сконцентрироваться на классификации документов.
- 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,955 Чего ты так на меня смотришь?
- 00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:28,665 Ты что, забыл всю боль и страдания, которые причинила тебе Кэти Ли?
- 00:06:28,835 --> 00:06:33,335 Мистер Шляпа, это было давным-давно, и я был всего лишь ребенком.
- 00:06:33,545 --> 00:06:35,845 Мы могли выиграть этот конкурс талантов.
- 00:06:37,175 --> 00:06:39,465 - Тук-тук, мистер Шляпа. - Кто там?
- 00:06:39,635 --> 00:06:41,425 - Дыня. - Какая дыня?
- 00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:45,435 А "ды не" рад, что я не сказал "банан"?
- 00:06:46,515 --> 00:06:48,225 Спасибо.
- 00:06:49,815 --> 00:06:52,685 Оу, мистер Шляпа. Выглядит так, словно мы можем выиграть.
- 00:06:52,855 --> 00:06:55,855 А сейчас наш последний финалист шоу талантов...
- 00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:58,195 ...Кэти Ли Эпштейн.
- 00:07:28,475 --> 00:07:33,765 Это было нечестно. У неё была подтанцовка. Как мы могли с ней состязаться?
- 00:07:33,975 --> 00:07:38,355 Но теперь она приезжает в Южный Парк, и я знаю, как все исправить.
- 00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:39,895 Как?
- 00:07:40,235 --> 00:07:43,655 Нет, мистер Шляпа! Я не могу...
- 00:07:43,815 --> 00:07:47,575 ...убить Кэти Ли Гиффорд.
- 00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:54,125 Дети, как вы все знаете, Миссис Кэти Ли Гиффорд...
- 00:07:54,335 --> 00:07:58,345 ...будет здесь, чтобы вручить награду одному мальчику за его сочинение.
- 00:07:58,505 --> 00:08:00,255 - Этот мальчик - я! - Какая разница?!
- 00:08:00,465 --> 00:08:03,425 Я бы хотела, чтобы вы...
- 00:08:03,635 --> 00:08:06,975 ...сделали спектакль об истории Южного Парка.
- 00:08:07,135 --> 00:08:09,435 Это прекрасно, верно, мистер Шляпа?
- 00:08:09,605 --> 00:08:11,065 - Убей ее! - Мистер Шляпа!
- 00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:14,645 Мистер Гаррисон, я прошу вас поставить этот спектакль.
- 00:08:14,815 --> 00:08:15,935 Это замечательно.
- 00:08:16,145 --> 00:08:20,615 Видишь, мистер Шляпа, нам не нужно её убивать. Мы можем просто превзойти её.
- 00:08:20,775 --> 00:08:25,495 Вы, возможно, захотите перепроверить эссе. Мы думаем, Картман сжульничал!
- 00:08:25,695 --> 00:08:32,125 Кого это волнует? Сейчас, дети, мы хотим прославить Саут Парк!
- 00:08:33,585 --> 00:08:37,795 - Ну-ка, еще раз, кто наш юный победитель? - Я, Эрик Картман!
- 00:08:37,955 --> 00:08:42,505 Как насчет того, чтоб привести себя в порядок? Мы же хотим выглядеть лучше всех на ТВ, не так ли?
- 00:08:42,675 --> 00:08:43,635 Да, мэм.
- 00:08:43,845 --> 00:08:47,765 Меня покажут по телику! Меня покажут по телику!
- 00:08:49,345 --> 00:08:53,305 Меня покажут по телику! Меня покажут по телику!
- 00:08:53,475 --> 00:08:57,015 Мы не верим, что ты выиграл конкурс честно, жиртрест.
- 00:08:57,185 --> 00:09:01,065 Хватит защищать свою подружку из-за доклада о дурацкой рыбе.
- 00:09:01,235 --> 00:09:06,065 - Дельфины умны и дружелюбны. - Умны и дружелюбны, как ржаной хлеб!
- 00:09:06,235 --> 00:09:10,575 - Дельфины умнее тебя. - Тогда херли они живут в ледяных иглу?
- 00:09:10,735 --> 00:09:14,575 - Это не дельфины. Это эскимосы! - Какая разница?
- 00:09:14,745 --> 00:09:18,535 - Все это - чушь хиппи, любящих обнимать деревья. - Скажи мне, что ты написал в эссе!
- 00:09:18,745 --> 00:09:21,455 Я не могу. Я должен идти домой и привести себя в порядок!
- 00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:26,085 Ага, верно! Пойдешь смотреть телик и жрать сырные чипсы, задница.
- 00:09:26,255 --> 00:09:27,585 Пошел ты, хиппи!
- 00:09:28,925 --> 00:09:32,215 Мы вернемся к программе Иисус и Его Приятели сразу после рекламы.
- 00:09:32,425 --> 00:09:35,805 Вы хотите быстро привести себя в форму? Хотите выглядеть лучше?
- 00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:39,935 Устали, что у вас нет тёлки? Надело весить жалкие 45 кг?
- 00:09:40,105 --> 00:09:42,315 Да, я вешу всего лишь 45 кг.
- 00:09:42,475 --> 00:09:45,815 Тогда наберите вес с Набор Веса 4000!
- 00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:50,735 Более 4000 граммов чистого жира на порцию. Его формула разработана...
- 00:09:50,905 --> 00:09:55,325 ...так, чтобы попасть в желудок, где она распространяется в кровь!
- 00:09:55,485 --> 00:09:57,995 Теперь доступно во всех магазинах мира.
- 00:09:58,155 --> 00:10:00,365 - Скажите вместе со мной: "Я красавчик!" - Я красавчик.
- 00:10:00,535 --> 00:10:01,955 - Я красавчик! - Я красавчик!
- 00:10:03,785 --> 00:10:06,625 Может вызвать необратимые изменения в почках и печени.
- 00:10:06,795 --> 00:10:09,715 Мам, можешь купить мне Набор Веса 4000?
- 00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:13,135 Хорошо, Эрик. Я куплю тебе ее завтра.
- 00:10:13,295 --> 00:10:16,215 Но, мам, мне нужно сегодня!
- 00:10:16,385 --> 00:10:19,215 Но я только завтра хотела пойти по магазинам.
- 00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:20,845 Мам!
- 00:10:22,135 --> 00:10:27,515 Хорошо, хорошо. Ну, думаю, я могу пойти в магазин и сейчас.
- 00:10:33,145 --> 00:10:34,485 Нет, нет!
- 00:10:35,985 --> 00:10:37,565 Убей ее!
- 00:10:37,735 --> 00:10:39,775 Нет, мистер Шляпа, я не хочу этого делать.
- 00:10:39,945 --> 00:10:42,195 Убей!
- 00:10:43,575 --> 00:10:47,955 Ну хватит. Отправляйтесь в ящик, мистер Шляпа.
- 00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:53,755 - Она одурачит тебя снова. - Оставайся-ка в этом шкафу, недоброжелательная Нэнси.
- 00:10:53,915 --> 00:10:55,085 Привет, парни.
- 00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:59,835 Что с тобой? Ты не заметил снег?
- 00:11:00,005 --> 00:11:03,465 У меня отличная фигура, и я хочу показать ее всем.
- 00:11:03,635 --> 00:11:08,595 - Чего? Да ты весишь 45 кг! - Уже 47, спасибо, что заметил.
- 00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:13,225 Ага, сиськи уже почти как у его мамаши!
- 00:11:13,395 --> 00:11:17,525 Смейтесь сколько хотите! А по ТВ покажут меня, толстокожего.
- 00:11:17,735 --> 00:11:21,815 - Что это за хрень? - "Набери Вес 4000". Она расширяет меня!
- 00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:24,695 - Расширяет что, Жиртрест? - Супер-жирный зад?
- 00:11:24,865 --> 00:11:30,245 Эй, я не обязан выслушивать это дерьмо от вас, костлявые дохляки!
- 00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:37,455 Ого, зацените. Я такой качок, что в двери не прохожу.
- 00:11:37,625 --> 00:11:41,045 Вперед, народ. Мы должны изменить это место до неузнаваемости.
- 00:11:41,215 --> 00:11:45,385 Вешаем фонарики, устанавливаем баннеры, кастрируем коров!
- 00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:50,425 Ну что, мистер Гаррисон, как дела с маленьким представлением!
- 00:11:50,635 --> 00:11:53,805 Неплохо. Мы как раз прогоняем его с самого начала!
- 00:11:53,975 --> 00:11:57,145 О, пожалуйста, покажите! С удовольствием посмотрю его!
- 00:11:57,305 --> 00:12:00,775 Все маленькие пионеры - по эту сторону сцены.
- 00:12:00,935 --> 00:12:04,315 Маленькие индейцы - идите в центр сцены.
- 00:12:04,485 --> 00:12:08,235 - Я - индеец или пионер? - У тебя есть на голове перо?
- 00:12:08,405 --> 00:12:11,285 - Да. - Значит, ты - индеец.
- 00:12:11,445 --> 00:12:13,325 Бебе, твоя реплика.
- 00:12:13,495 --> 00:12:16,915 Это история о Южном Парке.
- 00:12:17,075 --> 00:12:20,245 Все началось более 100 лет назад...
- 00:12:20,415 --> 00:12:26,545 ...когда благородные и отважные индейцы племени Юта жили на этой земле.
- 00:12:28,675 --> 00:12:31,215 О, разве они не очаровательны?
- 00:12:31,385 --> 00:12:35,345 Затем с Востока пришли белые пионеры.
- 00:12:40,685 --> 00:12:43,815 - О, Боже мой! - Они выступали лучше этим утром.
- 00:12:43,975 --> 00:12:45,395 У них было больше энергии.
- 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:48,355 Пионеры встретились с индейцами...
- 00:12:48,525 --> 00:12:52,605 ...чтобы обсудить условия проживания на их плодородных землях.
- 00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:58,115 Мы не можем позволить, чтобы дети били друг друга прямо перед Кэти Ли!
- 00:12:58,285 --> 00:13:01,245 Что вы хотите? Вот как это произошло.
- 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:03,625 Получи, ты, тупой индеец!
- 00:13:03,785 --> 00:13:06,705 Мистер Гаррисон, это неприемлемо!
- 00:13:06,875 --> 00:13:11,215 Вы действительно думаете, что Кэти Ли это понравится?
- 00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:14,505 К черту Кэти Ли Гиффорд!
- 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,755 Что я сказал?
- 00:13:17,925 --> 00:13:20,715 Он сказал: "К черту Кэти Ли Гиффорд!"
- 00:13:21,055 --> 00:13:26,435 Мистер Гаррисон, я отстраняю вас от руководства нашего спектакля.
- 00:13:28,685 --> 00:13:33,895 Это случилось снова, не так ли? Сейчас мы будем делать по-моему.
- 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,945 Я не могу её убить, Мистер Шляпа.
- 00:13:37,105 --> 00:13:40,155 Ты собираешься это сделать.
- 00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:50,625 - Картман, вот это объемы. - Я начинаю заполняться красотой.
- 00:13:50,785 --> 00:13:53,495 Нет, не так. Ты стал еще жирнее!
- 00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:56,045 Я не жирный, я набираю форму!
- 00:13:56,205 --> 00:13:59,755 У тебя такая жирная задница, что, когда ты ходишь по улице, люди говорят:
- 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,045 "Бог ты мой, это самая жирная задница!"
- 00:14:02,215 --> 00:14:04,715 Нет, это не так, ты просто завидуешь мне!
- 00:14:04,925 --> 00:14:08,265 Бог ты мой, это самая жирная задница!
- 00:14:08,595 --> 00:14:11,475 - Привет, ребята. - О, смотрите, еще одна хиппи.
- 00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:14,395 - Мир, Вэнди. - Заткнись, Картман!
- 00:14:14,565 --> 00:14:17,065 Два маленьких хиппи сидят на дереве.
- 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:21,195 Я найду доклад Картмана, и докопаюсь до истины.
- 00:14:23,025 --> 00:14:26,575 - Чем могу помочь? - Мне нужно оружие.
- 00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:30,035 Для охоты, самозащиты или для иных целей?
- 00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:31,785 - Для иных целей. - Хорошо тогда.
- 00:14:31,995 --> 00:14:35,705 Могу предложить Statford 12 мм? Попробуйте это!
- 00:14:36,455 --> 00:14:40,835 Хорошо смотрится. Лакированное черное под цвет вашим глазам
- 00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,375 Ты это мне говоришь? Ты это мне говоришь?
- 00:14:44,625 --> 00:14:48,595 - Я даже не знаю, эта слишком мала, что ли. - Хорошо. Как насчёт этого?
- 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:52,015 Ты это мне говоришь? Нет мне это не нравится.
- 00:14:52,175 --> 00:14:54,805 Вот вам ружье с деревянной отделкой.
- 00:14:54,975 --> 00:14:56,135 Ты это мне говоришь?!
- 00:14:56,395 --> 00:15:00,565 Я не вижу здесь никого другого, поэтому ты, должно быть, говоришь мне.
- 00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:02,025 Я беру это.
- 00:15:02,725 --> 00:15:03,855 Есть кто?
- 00:15:20,575 --> 00:15:23,035 "Мой доклад. Автор Эрик Картман.
- 00:15:23,205 --> 00:15:27,295 Когда я писал эти страницы, вернее, большую их часть...
- 00:15:27,465 --> 00:15:30,835 ...я жил один в лесу на берегу..."
- 00:15:32,845 --> 00:15:38,135 Мистер Шляпа, старушка Кэти Ли действительно будет удивлена, когда завтра приедет.
- 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:41,685 Много лет назад она обошла нас на конкурсе талантов.
- 00:15:42,345 --> 00:15:44,605 Я думаю, мы должны ей за это отплатить.
- 00:15:45,355 --> 00:15:46,605 О, Боже мой!
- 00:15:54,945 --> 00:15:58,235 - Привет, мистер Гаррисон. Отличное ружье. - Спасибо.
- 00:15:58,445 --> 00:16:01,655 - Отличное ружье, мистер Гаррисон. - Спасибо.
- 00:16:01,825 --> 00:16:04,245 - Здравствуйте, офицер Барбрэди. - Отличное ружье.
- 00:16:04,415 --> 00:16:10,375 Если в где-нибудь в городе точка, где я могу хорошо видеть Кэти Ли?
- 00:16:10,625 --> 00:16:14,255 Я думаю, книжное хранилище будет хорошим выбором.
- 00:16:17,135 --> 00:16:21,215 Это, пожалуй, вполне подойдет. Спасибо, офицер Барбрэди.
- 00:16:21,385 --> 00:16:22,965 Не за что.
- 00:16:23,175 --> 00:16:26,765 Я поймал вас с поличным! Никаких фотографий Кэти Ли!
- 00:16:27,805 --> 00:16:29,765 Где же она?
- 00:16:30,645 --> 00:16:35,985 Это приятно. Журналисты устанавливают свои камеры, а я выгляжу божественно.
- 00:16:36,145 --> 00:16:40,405 - Я красавчик! Я красавчик! - Ты не влезешь в кадр.
- 00:16:40,615 --> 00:16:43,235 - Ребята, мы должны остановить его! - Остановить кого?
- 00:16:43,405 --> 00:16:47,825 Мистера Гаррисона! Он пытается убить Кэти Ли Гиффорд!
- 00:16:47,995 --> 00:16:51,325 Нет, не надо! Ты не сможешь лишить меня моей минуты славы.
- 00:16:51,495 --> 00:16:52,665 У него оружие!
- 00:16:52,825 --> 00:16:55,585 Ты должна преодолеть это чувство ревности.
- 00:16:55,745 --> 00:16:59,625 Серьезно, просто смирись. Я написал доклад лучше, чем ты.
- 00:16:59,795 --> 00:17:04,345 Так получилось, что у меня есть твой доклад, и я знаю, почему ты выиграл.
- 00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:07,255 Есть вещи поважнее сейчас.
- 00:17:07,425 --> 00:17:10,635 Ты должна решить, что более важно:
- 00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:13,765 Быть на экране, или какое-то тупое убийство?
- 00:17:13,935 --> 00:17:17,765 Стен, я не могу сделать это в одиночку. Пожалуйста?!
- 00:17:17,935 --> 00:17:19,565 Мы его теряем.
- 00:17:19,725 --> 00:17:21,355 Вот она идёт!
- 00:17:28,865 --> 00:17:33,035 Чёрт возьми, я, оказывается, не единственный, кто хочет убить её.
- 00:17:33,205 --> 00:17:35,785 Мы любим тебя, Кэти Ли!
- 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,625 Мы любим вас тоже.
- 00:17:37,785 --> 00:17:40,915 Давай, маленькая сучка.
- 00:17:41,085 --> 00:17:44,335 Ты должна оставить свой драгоценный колпак на некоторое время.
- 00:17:44,505 --> 00:17:48,585 С большой честью и гордостью я хотела бы поприветствовать...
- 00:17:48,755 --> 00:17:52,425 ...миссис Кэти Ли Гиффорд в Саут Парке!
- 00:17:54,975 --> 00:17:58,685 А теперь наш шеф - повар Южного Парка...
- 00:17:58,895 --> 00:18:02,725 ...споет специальную песню в честь Кэти Ли Гиффорд!
- 00:18:03,815 --> 00:18:05,435 Спасибо, миссис Мэр.
- 00:18:05,645 --> 00:18:09,565 Ты знаешь, Кэти Ли, ты - очень особая женщина.
- 00:18:09,735 --> 00:18:13,195 Я не имею ввиду "особая как Мэри Тейлор Муур"...
- 00:18:13,405 --> 00:18:17,285 ...или особая как особая неделя в нашем Веселом Бургере.
- 00:18:17,495 --> 00:18:22,245 Нет, нет, нет. Я говорю "особая". Похожая на песню колибри...
- 00:18:22,455 --> 00:18:26,045 ...когда он готовится найти самочку-колибри...
- 00:18:26,245 --> 00:18:29,255 ...и заняться с ней сладкой любовью всю ночь на пролет.
- 00:18:29,455 --> 00:18:32,625 Только две колибри стонали и стонали...
- 00:18:32,835 --> 00:18:37,305 ...и, позволяя ласкать свои тела и трогать друг друга в экстазе...
- 00:18:47,855 --> 00:18:49,435 Что?
- 00:18:51,815 --> 00:18:53,275 Что?!
- 00:18:54,855 --> 00:18:59,195 Спасибо, Шеф, за эту трогательную песню.
- 00:18:59,365 --> 00:19:01,905 Спасибо, Шеф!
- 00:19:02,195 --> 00:19:05,115 Бог с тобой, Кэти Ли!
- 00:19:05,705 --> 00:19:10,085 Мистер Гаррисон собирается убить Кэти Ли! Мы должны найти его!
- 00:19:10,285 --> 00:19:13,795 Что? Вы имеете в виду этого вашего учителя? Погодите-ка...
- 00:19:14,415 --> 00:19:19,885 Если в где-нибудь в городе точка, где я могу хорошо видеть Кэти Ли?
- 00:19:20,385 --> 00:19:23,715 Я думаю, книжное хранилище будет хорошим выбором.
- 00:19:23,885 --> 00:19:27,515 Я думаю, книжное хранилище будет хорошим выбором.
- 00:19:27,675 --> 00:19:29,895 Книжное хранилище. Хранилище.
- 00:19:30,095 --> 00:19:33,765 Черт, он может быть где угодно! Я разошлю его приметы...
- 00:19:33,935 --> 00:19:36,185 Венди, смотри!
- 00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:39,445 А сейчас, здесь, чтобы вручить награду...
- 00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:43,365 ...за лучший доклад нашему Эрику Кауфману...
- 00:19:43,565 --> 00:19:45,235 Картман, твою мать!
- 00:19:45,405 --> 00:19:48,495 ...наша с вами любимая звезда...
- 00:19:48,905 --> 00:19:51,955 ...Кэти Ли Гиффорд!
- 00:19:55,625 --> 00:19:57,795 Спасибо. Я всех вас люблю.
- 00:19:58,085 --> 00:19:59,915 Мистер Гаррисон! Остановитесь!
- 00:20:00,085 --> 00:20:03,425 Оставьте нас, мы должны закончить то, что начали.
- 00:20:03,585 --> 00:20:06,885 Я знаю, что она вас обидела. Она стольких успела обидеть.
- 00:20:07,045 --> 00:20:10,885 - Ты не знаешь. - Вы должны были победить на конкурсе талантов.
- 00:20:11,055 --> 00:20:15,515 Для меня большая честь вручить награду победителю.
- 00:20:15,685 --> 00:20:21,225 - Эрик, не мог бы ты, пожалуйста, подняться сюда? - Вот он, мой момент славы.
- 00:20:21,435 --> 00:20:25,315 Потом она озвучила своим голосом две разные куклы.
- 00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:28,565 Я понимаю, но это не выход.
- 00:20:28,735 --> 00:20:32,035 Для меня уже слишком поздно, юная Венди.
- 00:20:34,155 --> 00:20:38,075 Я сегодня многое поняла. Вы не можете выигрывать все время.
- 00:20:38,285 --> 00:20:42,545 Если ты все-таки проиграл, нельзя держать зло на того, кто у тебя выиграл...
- 00:20:42,745 --> 00:20:46,255 ...потому что только так ты по-настоящему проигрываешь.
- 00:20:46,415 --> 00:20:48,625 Ты права.
- 00:20:48,835 --> 00:20:50,295 Хорошо.
- 00:20:50,505 --> 00:20:53,755 Она и правда смогла озвучить сразу двух кукол?
- 00:20:53,925 --> 00:20:55,345 Эта сучка должна умереть!
- 00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:09,065 О Боже, они убили Кенни! Сволочи!
- 00:21:09,525 --> 00:21:11,025 - Оружие! - Оружие!
- 00:21:11,195 --> 00:21:15,735 Эй, вернитесь! Мы вам еще не показали нашу пьесу!
- 00:21:16,365 --> 00:21:17,945 Это, походу, всё. Сворачиваемся.
- 00:21:18,115 --> 00:21:22,035 Эй, минуточку. Когда меня будут снимать для телика?
- 00:21:22,205 --> 00:21:25,075 Забудь. Нет Кэти Ли - нет рейтингов.
- 00:21:25,245 --> 00:21:28,665 Но я выиграл конкурс по защите окружающей среды!
- 00:21:28,835 --> 00:21:32,585 Ты не заслуживаешь победы, Картман, и ты сам это знаешь!
- 00:21:32,755 --> 00:21:37,675 Я держу работу Картмана. Это на самом деле не больше, чем повесть Уолдена...
- 00:21:37,845 --> 00:21:42,845 ...с зачеркнутым именем Торо и написанным именем Картмана вместо него.
- 00:21:43,055 --> 00:21:46,095 - Кого волнует? - Кэти Ли Гиффорд ушла.
- 00:21:46,265 --> 00:21:49,765 А что на счет того, что нельзя держать зло на того, кто выиграл?
- 00:21:49,935 --> 00:21:52,225 Ну, к Картману это не относится!
- 00:21:52,435 --> 00:21:57,445 Эй, куда вы? Они даже не знают, о чем повесть Уолдена.
- 00:21:57,605 --> 00:22:01,235 Бьюсь об заклад, если бы Уолден был комедией, они бы все про него знали!
- 00:22:01,405 --> 00:22:04,745 Пошли. Мама Кайла приготовит нам сэндвич с тунцом.
- 00:22:04,905 --> 00:22:06,075 Какого черта.
- 00:22:06,655 --> 00:22:11,745 Нет, нет! Теперь я застряну в этом сраном городишке навсегда...
- 00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:17,215 ...с этими тупыми вонючими ленивыми тварями!
- 00:22:17,375 --> 00:22:19,755 Госпожа Мэр, микрофон включен.
- 00:22:19,965 --> 00:22:22,755 Думали, сможете сбежать, мистер Шляпа?
- 00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:26,015 Я бы смог убежать, если бы не эти пронырливые детки.
- 00:22:26,175 --> 00:22:30,555 Тебе повезло, что ты промахнулся в Кэти Ли, и никто не пострадал.
- 00:22:33,145 --> 00:22:35,725 Надеемся, Вы скоро сможете вернуться в школу.
- 00:22:35,895 --> 00:22:40,025 Я бы с удовольствием, но врачи говорят, что мистер Шляпа нуждается в большем уходе.
- 00:22:40,185 --> 00:22:42,355 Мы всё ещё можем получить её!
- 00:22:42,525 --> 00:22:46,655 Мне только жаль, что разрушил шанс всем попасть на телевиденье.
- 00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:49,445 Только не Картмана. Он всё равно пролезет на телевиденье.
- 00:22:49,655 --> 00:22:51,195 Правда? С каким талантом?
- 00:22:51,365 --> 00:22:52,705 Тучность.
- 00:22:52,865 --> 00:22:54,955 Лишний вес. Ожирение.
- 00:22:55,165 --> 00:22:58,415 Какое бы слово тут ни использовали, оно будет означает одно и то же:
- 00:22:58,585 --> 00:23:00,085 быть большой жирной задницей.
- 00:23:00,245 --> 00:23:04,295 А у нас на спутниковой связи Эрик Картман из Саут Парка...
- 00:23:04,465 --> 00:23:08,345 ...ставший настолько толстым, что он не может выбраться из собственного дома.
- 00:23:08,505 --> 00:23:10,715 Когда это будет в эфире?
- 00:23:10,885 --> 00:23:14,055 Что бы вы хотели сказать людям?
- 00:23:14,675 --> 00:23:16,305 Следуй мечтам!
- 00:23:16,475 --> 00:23:19,895 Вы можете достичь своих целей. Я - живое тому доказательство.
- 00:23:20,055 --> 00:23:21,855 Красавчик. Красавчик!
- 00:23:22,015 --> 00:23:25,145 Его прогнать бы вокруг квартала пару раз.
- 00:23:25,355 --> 00:23:27,815 Как насчет того, чтобы заняться любовью еще раз?
- 00:23:27,985 --> 00:23:31,155 Черт! Мы этим занимались пять минут назад!
- 00:23:31,315 --> 00:23:33,025 Ты пытаешься убить меня?
- 00:23:33,035 --> 00:23:38,035 Переведено на сайте www.notabenoid.com http://notabenoid.com/book/10656/34052
- 00:23:38,045 --> 00:23:40,045 Переводчики: Lendis (главный), eX3o, anastasia_v, tomcat, TheNotic, simuladora, Margo88, Marsha, Aroma.
- 00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:04,714 <i>And now a fireside chat with the creators of Comedy</i>
- 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,843 <i>Central's "South Park, " Matt Stone and Trey Parker.</i>
- 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,892 Oh, hello. I'm Trey Parker.
- 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,227 And I'm Matt Stone.
- 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,478 And this here is old Scratch.
- 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,480 Say hi, old fella.
- 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:24,483 This episode of "South Park" is called "Weight Gain 4000,"
- 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,777 and it's by far our favorite episode.
- 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,739 It's all about Kathie Lee Gifford coming to "South Park"
- 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:34,035 and Eric Cartman trying to beef himself up for the big day.
- 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,328 Exactly how much weight does Eric Cartman gain
- 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,955 in this episode?
- 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,623 Well, after Eric Cartman starts eating
- 00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:42,126 the Weight Gain 4000, he gains 700 pounds.
- 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,336 That makes him almost as heavy as Sally Struthers.
- 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:47,798 Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever offended you in some fashion?
- 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,384 Was she flattered by her depiction here?
- 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,886 Well, we don't really care,
- 00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,012 because Kathie Lee Gifford is a--
- 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,014 Very wonderful woman.
- 00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:59,894 Both Trey and I really, really respect her work with Regis.
- 00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:01,395 Guns and bullets seem to be
- 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,980 a recurring theme in "South Park."
- 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,983 Have either of you ever killed anyone?
- 00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:11,030 I would never kill somebody, unless they pissed me off.
- 00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,823 Guys, why do you keep killing off poor Kenny?
- 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,700 What did he ever do to you?
- 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,912 Well, Kenny is definitely our favorite character.
- 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,914 And even though he is our favorite character,
- 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,707 we feel we have to kill him in every episode,
- 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,542 and this one of our favorite deaths in this one.
- 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,045 How does someone create a show like "South Park"
- 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,588 and remain as pure and wholesome
- 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,423 as you both appear to be?
- 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,300 You know, everyone thinks that in order to do
- 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,761 "South Park" we must be wild, crazy rock 'n roll stars,
- 00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:36,347 but the truth is, we're just wholesome middle-American guys.
- 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,308 We enjoy soda pop, baseball, and beating up old people
- 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,768 just as much as anybody.
- 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:47,149 So now sit back, relax, and enjoy "Weight Gain 4000."
- 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,789 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:03,791 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,501 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,044 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:08,504 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,339 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,049 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,551 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." ♪
- 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,052 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,804 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,475 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,269 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,232 Hey, Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?
- 00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:29,817 Yeah, it was huge.
- 00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:31,694 Ugh, I hate those things.
- 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,404 Nobody hates rainbows.
- 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,614 Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?
- 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,701 Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there
- 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,704 minding your own business, and they'll come marching in
- 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,831 and crawl up your leg and start biting
- 00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,166 the inside of your ass.
- 00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,168 And you'll be all like, "Hey,
- 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:50,546 get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows."
- 00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,008 Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
- 00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,926 I'm talking about rainbows.
- 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,720 I hate those friggin' things.
- 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,180 Rainbows are those arches of color
- 00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:00,556 that show up during a rainstorm.
- 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:04,059 Oh, rainbows.
- 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,227 Oh, yeah, I like those.
- 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,478 Those are cool.
- 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,730 What were you talking about?
- 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,815 Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.
- 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,984 No, what marches in, crawls up your leg...
- 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,235 Nothing. - And bites the inside
- 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,237 of your ass? - Nothing.
- 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,281 Children, children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet
- 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,366 essay contest that you children worked
- 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,160 so hard on last month?
- 00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,831 One of our very own South Park students has won
- 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,249 the national prize.
- 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,502 Wow, I knew I would win.
- 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:33,130 Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
- 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,965 That's right, Mr. Hat.
- 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,675 The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet
- 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,095 contest is...Eric Cartman.
- 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,639 What? - What?
- 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,307 Congratulations, Eric, on writing
- 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,934 the award-winning paper.
- 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,352 Kick ass.
- 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,229 That's impossible.
- 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,189 Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.
- 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,524 Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.
- 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,610 Out of over a million papers,
- 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,029 Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.
- 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,114 Wow, what did you write about, Cartman?
- 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,408 Oh, you know, this and that.
- 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535 He doesn't even know what he wrote about.
- 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,454 What was your paper about, Wendy?
- 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,832 My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins.
- 00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,501 Well, you see, you shouldn't have written
- 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,961 a paper about dolphins.
- 00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,879 Dolphins are stupid.
- 00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,547 Dude, dolphins are, like, the second-smartest animal
- 00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,632 on the planet.
- 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,300 Oh, right.
- 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,761 If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught
- 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,930 in those fishing nets all the time?
- 00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,932 What? - Wait, wait, there's more.
- 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,726 It says here that Eric's trophy
- 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,272 will be presented to him by...
- 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,023 Kathie Lee Gifford?
- 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,150 Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?
- 00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:38,195 And the presentation will be on national television.
- 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,655 Television?
- 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,157 <i>Kathie Lee Gifford.</i>
- 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,742 <i>I don't believe it.</i>
- 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:47,329 Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park.
- 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,290 Oh, my God.
- 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:52,209 This is our chance to make a name for ourselves, to show
- 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,753 that we're not some pissant, white-bread mountain town.
- 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,589 Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.
- 00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,968 Yes, if I can show just how much I've turned South Park
- 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,304 around, I could become a senator.
- 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,222 Maybe even a state senator.
- 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,641 Mayor, we should decorate the town square.
- 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,311 Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing
- 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:13,314 a song and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.
- 00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:14,523 That's right.
- 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,150 He's a black guy, isn't he?
- 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,068 Black as the night itself, Mayor.
- 00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:21,238 Yes, and we can even have the children of South Park
- 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,614 put on a little play.
- 00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,616 Kathie Lee loves children.
- 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,410 If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.
- 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,661 Oh! - Ouch.
- 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,663 Thank you.
- 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,540 You guys, guess what.
- 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:35,294 After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
- 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,171 Hitler was famous too.
- 00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,297 Hello there, children.
- 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,798 Hey, Chef.
- 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,050 How are my little crackers today?
- 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,509 Good.
- 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,219 Did y'all hear about the news?
- 00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,888 Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.
- 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,306 Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won
- 00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:48,891 the environmental essay contest.
- 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,517 Hey! - Yeah, yeah, whatever.
- 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,437 But the mayor just called and asked me
- 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,230 to sing at the ceremony.
- 00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:56,690 Wow, are you gonna do it?
- 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692 Of course.
- 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:02,363 Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
- 00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:04,740 And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into
- 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,327 a night of exotic delectation.
- 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,079 Yeah, that'd be cool.
- 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:15,501 Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
- 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,087 Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers
- 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,797 with all this excitement.
- 00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,592 Why are you looking at me like that, Mr. Hat?
- 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,053 Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering
- 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,097 that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?
- 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,183 Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and--
- 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,893 and I was only a child.
- 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,812 We could've won that talent show.
- 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,605 We could've been huge.
- 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,065 Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.
- 00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,942 Who's there? Orange.
- 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,485 Orange who?
- 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,862 Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,783 Thank you.
- 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:52,121 Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.
- 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:58,419 And now, our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
- 00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,505 ♪ If they could see me now, that little gang of mine ♪
- 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,924 ♪ I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine ♪
- 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,468 ♪ I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact ♪
- 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,513 ♪ The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract ♪
- 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,182 ♪ All I can say is wowee, look at where I am ♪
- 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,018 ♪ Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam ♪
- 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:17,688 ♪ What a setup, holy cow, they'd never believe it ♪
- 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,941 ♪ If my friends could see me now ♪
- 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,616 It wasn't fair.
- 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,368 She had choreography.
- 00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,245 How could we compete with that?
- 00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,497 But now she's coming to South Park,
- 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,791 and I know a way to make it all better.
- 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,209 How?
- 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,462 No, Mr. Hat.
- 00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,380 I couldn't...
- 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:47,426 kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,055 Children, as you all know,
- 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:55,559 Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present
- 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,644 the award to some kid for an essay.
- 00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,605 That kid is me. - Whatever.
- 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,858 Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters
- 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,320 do a play about the history of South Park.
- 00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:08,697 That'll be wonderful, won't it, Mr. Hat?
- 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,699 Kill her. Mr. Hat.
- 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,952 Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.
- 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,662 Oh, that's perfect.
- 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,165 You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her.
- 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,917 We can just upstage her.
- 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,376 Mrs. Mayor,
- 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,920 you might want to review the essays.
- 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,796 We think Cartman might have cheated.
- 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,715 Who cares?
- 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,470 Now, kids, what's say we give it our South Park best?
- 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,265 And who's our little prizewinner again?
- 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,059 Me, Eric Cartman.
- 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,894 How about we get in shape, huh?
- 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,772 We want to look our best for the TV cameras, don't we?
- 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,148 Yes, ma'am.
- 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,858 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,985 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,614 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,574 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,159 We don't believe for a minute that you won that
- 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,869 contest fairly, fat boy.
- 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,996 Ugh, stop defending your little girlfriend
- 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,332 for writing about some stupid fish.
- 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,751 Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
- 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,337 Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
- 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,172 Dolphins are way smarter than you.
- 00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,883 If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
- 00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,218 Dolphins don't live in igloos.
- 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,511 That's Eskimos.
- 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,221 Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?
- 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,890 It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.
- 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,141 Tell me what you wrote about.
- 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:19,518 I can't.
- 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:20,894 I have to go home and get in shape.
- 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,354 Yeah, right.
- 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,855 You'll go and sit in front of the TV
- 00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,399 and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master.
- 00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,025 Screw you, hippie.
- 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,738 <i>We'll be right back to "Jesus and Pals" after this.</i>
- 00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,074 <i>Hey, do you need to get in shape fast?</i>
- 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,867 <i>Wanna look your best?</i>
- 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,619 <i>Tired of the other guys getting all the chicks?</i>
- 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,204 <i>Are you tired of being a 90-pound weakling?</i>
- 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,373 Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
- 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,585 <i>Then bulk up quick with Weight Gain 4000.</i>
- 00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,420 Yes. <i>- Over 4,000 grams</i>
- 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130 <i>of saturated fat per serving,</i>
- 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048 <i>its patented formula is designed</i>
- 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,551 <i>to enter the mouth and go directly to the stomach,</i>
- 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,636 <i>where it is distributed to the bloodstream.</i>
- 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,555 <i>Now available at stores everywhere.</i>
- 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,224 <i>Get some today, and say it with me, "Beefcake."</i>
- 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,601 Beefcake. <i>- Beefcake!</i>
- 00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:01,810 Beefcake! <i>- Beefcake!</i>
- 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,812 Beefcake!
- 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,439 <i>May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.</i>
- 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:09,026 Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
- 00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,404 Okay, Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.
- 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,532 But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow.
- 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,493 But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.
- 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,330 Mom.
- 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,206 Okay, okay.
- 00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,917 Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now, then.
- 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,131 <i>♪ If they could see me now, that little gang of mine ♪</i>
- 00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,257 <i>♪ I'm eating fancy chow and drinking... ♪</i>
- 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,925 No! No!
- 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845 Kill her.
- 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,056 No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.
- 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,726 Kill.
- 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,353 That does it.
- 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,814 You're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
- 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,525 She'll make a fool of you again.
- 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,070 Well, you can just stay in that drawer, negative Nancy.
- 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,780 Hey, dudes.
- 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,448 What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman?
- 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,699 Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow
- 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,660 on the ground?
- 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,745 Listen, I have a nice body, and I want to show it off.
- 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,330 You got that?
- 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,123 What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds.
- 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,459 I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
- 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,463 Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.
- 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,466 Laugh all you want.
- 00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,968 I'll the one who's gonna be on TV looking all buff.
- 00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,596 What's that stuff? - Weight Gain 4000.
- 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,181 It's helping me bulk up.
- 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,974 Bulk up to what, fat-ass?
- 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,643 Super fat-ass?
- 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,395 Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap
- 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,773 from you scrawny weaklings.
- 00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,360 Sweet, check me out.
- 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,738 I'm such a beefcake I can't get through the door.
- 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,323 Come on, people.
- 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,325 We've got to turn this place around.
- 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,994 Hang up the lights, string up the banners,
- 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,663 castrate the cows.
- 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,960 Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?
- 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628 Huh? Oh, fine.
- 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,088 We were just about to run it from the top.
- 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,548 Oh, please do.
- 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550 I'm dying to see it.
- 00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,095 Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.
- 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,972 Good, and all the little Indians
- 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,640 go to the center of the stage.
- 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,101 Am I an Indian or a pioneer?
- 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,561 Do you have a feather on your head?
- 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,521 Yes. - Then you're an Indian.
- 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:10,772 Oh.
- 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,649 Okay, Bebe, this is your line.
- 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,194 This is the story of South Park.
- 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,322 It begins over 100 years ago
- 00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:24,327 when the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land.
- 00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,542 Oh, don't they look adorable?
- 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:34,629 Then from the East came the great white pioneers.
- 00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:38,884 Ahh!
- 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470 Oh, my God.
- 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,305 They did it a lot better this morning.
- 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,848 They had more energy.
- 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,642 The pioneers met with the Indians
- 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:51,938 and negotiated for their fertile lands.
- 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,524 Mr. Garrison, we cannot have our children
- 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,402 beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,987 Well, what do you want?
- 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,572 This is how it happened in those days.
- 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,949 Take that, you stupid Indian. - Ohh.
- 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:06,328 Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate.
- 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,247 Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford
- 00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,791 would enjoy this?
- 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,542 To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,047 Oh, my God. What have I said?
- 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,008 He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford."
- 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:25,764 Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.
- 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:30,143 It happened again, didn't it?
- 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,271 Now we do things my way.
- 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,316 I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.
- 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,985 You're gonna have to do it.
- 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,244 Whoa, Cartman, talk about wide load.
- 00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,121 Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
- 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,832 You're not filling out nicely.
- 00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,124 You're fatter than ever.
- 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,209 I'm not fat.
- 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,961 I'm getting in shape.
- 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,796 Cartman, you're such a fat-ass that when you walk
- 00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,798 down the street, people go, "God damn it.
- 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,424 That's a big fat-ass."
- 00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,802 No, they don't, you jealous weakling.
- 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,513 God damn, that's a big fat-ass.
- 00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,139 Hey!
- 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,892 Hi, guys. - Oh, look, another hippie.
- 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,853 Peace, Wendy. - Shut up, Cartman.
- 00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:14,604 Oh.
- 00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,356 ♪ Two little hippies sitting in a tree ♪
- 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316 I'm gonna find Cartman's paper
- 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,735 and get to the bottom of this.
- 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,613 Can I help you?
- 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,906 Yes.
- 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,700 I need a gun.
- 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,327 Would this be for hunting or protection or other?
- 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,996 Other. - Alrighty then.
- 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,748 May I suggest a Stratford 12-millimeter?
- 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,500 Go ahead. Try it on.
- 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,752 That looks really nice on you.
- 00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,171 The lacquered black really matches your eyes.
- 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,673 You talking to me?
- 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675 You talking to me?
- 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,635 I don't know, it's a little small.
- 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,929 Okay. How about this?
- 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,514 You talking to me?
- 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,641 Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.
- 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,269 Here's the same gun with a wood finish.
- 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,729 You talking to me?
- 00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,522 I don't see anybody else around here,
- 00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,025 so you must be talking to me.
- 00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,443 I'll take it.
- 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,445 Hello?
- 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,631 "My essay, by Eric Cartman.
- 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,758 "When I wrote the following pages,
- 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,426 "or rather the bulk of them,
- 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,095 I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."
- 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,685 Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old Kathie Lee really will be
- 00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,646 surprised when she gets here tomorrow.
- 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,982 She beat us in the talent show all those years ago.
- 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,401 And I think we owe her for that.
- 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,986 Ba-bang!
- 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,112 Oh, my God.
- 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,539 Howdy, Mr. Garrison. Nice gun.
- 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,041 Thank you.
- 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,126 Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,670 Thanks.
- 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,088 Hello, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,923 Nice gun. - Thanks.
- 00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,633 Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good,
- 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,718 clear shot--or a view of Kathie Lee?
- 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:12,180 Hmm, you know, I think the book depository
- 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,932 would be a good bet.
- 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,270 Yes, that might do quite nicely.
- 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,855 Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,148 No problem.
- 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,275 Ha! Caught you red-handed!
- 00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,528 No pictures of Kathie Lee.
- 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,531 Where is she?
- 00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,450 This is sweet.
- 00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,495 Camera crews are setting up, and I'm looking totally ripped.
- 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,664 Beefcake. Beefcake!
- 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,915 I don't think they're gonna be able to get
- 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,375 all of you in frame, Cartman.
- 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,168 You guys, we have to stop him.
- 00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,337 Stop who? - Mr. Garrison.
- 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,507 He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,050 Oh, no, you don't.
- 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,885 You're not gonna ruin my moment of fame.
- 00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,929 He's got a gun.
- 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,557 You gotta get over this whole jealousy thing, all right?
- 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,267 Seriously, just face it.
- 00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,394 I wrote a better paper than you.
- 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,188 It just so happens that I have your paper,
- 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,024 and I know why you won.
- 00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,734 There's something more important right now.
- 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,277 Let's go.
- 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,237 Wendy, you've got to prioritize.
- 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,114 What's more important, being on TV
- 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,991 or some stupid assassination?
- 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,119 Stan, I can't do it alone.
- 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,370 Please?
- 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,247 Uh-oh, we're losing him.
- 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,999 Here she comes.
- 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,467 Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America
- 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,635 who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,430 We love you, Kathie Lee.
- 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,307 I love you too.
- 00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,685 Come on, you little bitch.
- 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,395 You've got to come out of your precious bubble
- 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,397 sooner or later, missy.
- 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,109 It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome
- 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,072 Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
- 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:58,203 And now our very own South Park Elementary chef
- 00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:02,499 will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.
- 00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,210 Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
- 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:09,214 You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman.
- 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,175 I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way
- 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,971 or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way.
- 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,556 No, no, no, no, no.
- 00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,350 I mean special,
- 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,852 like the song of the hummingbird as it gets ready
- 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,814 to find that female hummingbird
- 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,608 and make sweet love to it all night long.
- 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,278 Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and
- 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,030 letting their bodies caress
- 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,991 and touch each other in ecstasy.
- 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,410 ♪ Oh Kathie Lee ♪
- 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,747 ♪ How I'd love to lay you down ♪
- 00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:45,959 ♪ And lick every inch of your body ♪
- 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,418 ♪ With my tongue ♪
- 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,212 What?
- 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,464 ♪ Kathie Lee you're my sexual fantasy ♪
- 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,592 What? ♪ How about you and me ♪
- 00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,386 Thank you, Chef, for that heartwarming song.
- 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,139 ♪ Get it together and make sweet love? ♪
- 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,265 Thank you, Chef.
- 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,850 Oh, oh.
- 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,061 God bless you, Kathie Lee.
- 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,729 Officer Barbrady,
- 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,356 Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee.
- 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,024 We have to find him.
- 00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,152 What? You mean the teacher?
- 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,154 Wait a minute.
- 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,489 Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear
- 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,700 shot-- or a view of Kathie Lee?
- 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,661 Hmm, you know, I think the book depository
- 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,580 would be a good bet.
- 00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,207 I think the book depository would be a good bet.
- 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,586 Book depository, depository, book depository, depository.
- 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,462 Damn, he could be anywhere.
- 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,423 I'll send out an APB.
- 00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,674 Wendy, look.
- 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,095 And now, here to present the award
- 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:43,224 for the environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman...
- 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,101 Cartman, God damn it.
- 00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:48,146 Is your favorite celebrity and mine,
- 00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,649 Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,447 Thank you. I love you all.
- 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,532 Mr. Garrison, stop.
- 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,075 Leave us.
- 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,077 We must finish what we have begun.
- 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,079 I know that she's hurt you.
- 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,497 She's hurt a lot of people.
- 00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,124 You can't know.
- 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,501 You should've won that talent show.
- 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,296 It is with a great honor and pride that I present
- 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,173 the winner this trophy.
- 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,258 Eric, would you please come up here?
- 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,887 Here it is, my big moment of fame.
- 00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,514 And then she finished it all by throwing her voice
- 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,433 with two dummies at once.
- 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,228 I know that, Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.
- 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,814 It is too late for me, young Wendy.
- 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,277 You see, I've learned something today.
- 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,196 You can't win all the time.
- 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,907 And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against
- 00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:44,035 the person who did, because that's the only way
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,912 you ever really lose.
- 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,331 You're...you're right.
- 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,458 Good.
- 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,419 Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?
- 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,046 The bitch must die.
- 00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,716 Ahh!
- 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,141 Oh, my God. They killed Kenny.
- 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,102 You bastard.
- 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:10,687 Gun! - Gun!
- 00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,397 Hey, come back.
- 00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,982 We didn't even get to do our play.
- 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,817 Aww.
- 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,568 I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.
- 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,737 Hey, wait a minute.
- 00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,698 When do I get to be on television?
- 00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,032 Forget it, kid.
- 00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,742 No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
- 00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:28,329 But I won the environmental essay contest.
- 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,957 You don't deserve to win, Cartman,
- 00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,625 and you know it.
- 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,378 I'm holding Cartman's award-winning paper.
- 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,797 It's actually nothing more than "Walden"
- 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,008 with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out
- 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,468 and Cartman's name written in its place.
- 00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,970 Who cares?
- 00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,763 Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
- 00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,057 What about not holding anything against
- 00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,350 the person who wins?
- 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,894 Well, not if it's Cartman.
- 00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,397 Hey, where are you all going?
- 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,108 They don't even know what "Walden" is.
- 00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:01,029 I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.
- 00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,780 Come on, Wendy.
- 00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:04,198 Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.
- 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,700 Oh, what the hell.
- 00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,578 No, no.
- 00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:11,539 Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever
- 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:14,834 with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless,
- 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,836 truck-driving idiots.
- 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464 Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
- 00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:22,133 Thought you could get away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?
- 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,634 Well, I would have gotten away with it
- 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,470 if it weren't for those meddling kids.
- 00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:27,388 You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee Gifford
- 00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,932 and that nobody got hurt.
- 00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,520 We hope you can come back to school real soon,
- 00:22:34,645 --> 00:22:36,356 Mr. Garrison.
- 00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:37,857 Well, children, I'd love to, but the doctors say
- 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,859 that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
- 00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,236 We can still get her.
- 00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,114 I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances
- 00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574 for being on TV.
- 00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:47,784 Not Cartman.
- 00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:49,285 He gets to be on TV anyway.
- 00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,037 Really? On what?
- 00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:55,124 Obesity, adiposity, corpulence.
- 00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:58,252 Whatever word you use, it represents one thing:
- 00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,171 being a big fat-ass.
- 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,924 We have with us today live via satellite Eric Cartman
- 00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,884 from South Park,
- 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,304 who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house.
- 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,598 When is this gonna be on the air?
- 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,976 Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?
- 00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,020 Follow your dreams.
- 00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,939 You can reach your goals.
- 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,524 I'm living proof.
- 00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,692 Beefcake. Beefcake!
- 00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,195 He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.
- 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,490 Mmm, how about a little more of that good loving, Chef?
- 00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,158 Damn, woman.
- 00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,035 I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago.
- 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,912 You trying to kill me?
- 00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:04,714 <i>And now a fireside chat with the creators of Comedy</i>
- 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,843 <i>Central's "South Park, " Matt Stone and Trey Parker.</i>
- 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:14,765 <i>[light quirky music]</i>
- 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,892 Oh, hello. I'm Trey Parker.
- 00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,227 And I'm Matt Stone.
- 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,478 And this here is old Scratch.
- 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,480 Say hi, old fella.
- 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:24,483 This episode of "South Park" is called "Weight Gain 4000,"
- 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,777 and it's by far our favorite episode.
- 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,739 It's all about Kathie Lee Gifford coming to "South Park"
- 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:34,035 and Eric Cartman trying to beef himself up for the big day.
- 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,328 Exactly how much weight does Eric Cartman gain
- 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,955 in this episode?
- 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,623 Well, after Eric Cartman starts eating
- 00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:42,126 the Weight Gain 4000, he gains 700 pounds.
- 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,336 That makes him almost as heavy as Sally Struthers.
- 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:47,798 Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever offended you in some fashion?
- 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,384 Was she flattered by her depiction here?
- 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,886 Well, we don't really care,
- 00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,012 because Kathie Lee Gifford is a--
- 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,014 Very wonderful woman.
- 00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:59,894 Both Trey and I really, really respect her work with Regis.
- 00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:01,395 Guns and bullets seem to be
- 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,980 a recurring theme in "South Park."
- 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,983 Have either of you ever killed anyone?
- 00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:11,030 I would never kill somebody, unless they pissed me off.
- 00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,823 Guys, why do you keep killing off poor Kenny?
- 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,700 What did he ever do to you?
- 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,912 Well, Kenny is definitely our favorite character.
- 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,914 And even though he is our favorite character,
- 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,707 we feel we have to kill him in every episode,
- 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,542 and this one of our favorite deaths in this one.
- 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,045 How does someone create a show like "South Park"
- 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,588 and remain as pure and wholesome
- 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,423 as you both appear to be?
- 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,300 You know, everyone thinks that in order to do
- 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,761 "South Park" we must be wild, crazy rock 'n roll stars,
- 00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:36,347 but the truth is, we're just wholesome middle-American guys.
- 00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,308 We enjoy soda pop, baseball, and beating up old people
- 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,768 just as much as anybody.
- 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:47,149 So now sit back, relax, and enjoy "Weight Gain 4000."
- 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,361 ♪♪
- 00:01:57,243 --> 00:02:00,287 <i>[twangy music]</i>
- 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,789 ♪ I'm going down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:03,791 ♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
- 00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,501 all: ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
- 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,044 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
- 00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:08,504 ♪ Going down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,339 ♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
- 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,049 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
- 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,551 ♪ People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." ♪
- 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,052 ♪ Headed on up to South Park ♪
- 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,804 ♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
- 00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:19,974 [singing indistinctly]
- 00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,475 ♪ So come on down to South Park ♪
- 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,269 ♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
- 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,232 Hey, Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?
- 00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:29,817 Yeah, it was huge.
- 00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:31,694 Ugh, I hate those things.
- 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,404 Nobody hates rainbows.
- 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,614 Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?
- 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,701 Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there
- 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,704 minding your own business, and they'll come marching in
- 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,831 and crawl up your leg and start biting
- 00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,166 the inside of your ass.
- 00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,168 And you'll be all like, "Hey,
- 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:50,546 get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows."
- 00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,008 Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
- 00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,926 I'm talking about rainbows.
- 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,720 I hate those friggin' things.
- 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,180 Rainbows are those arches of color
- 00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:00,556 that show up during a rainstorm.
- 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:04,059 Oh, rainbows.
- 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,227 Oh, yeah, I like those.
- 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,478 Those are cool.
- 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,730 What were you talking about?
- 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,815 Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.
- 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,984 No, what marches in, crawls up your leg...
- 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,235 Nothing. - And bites the inside
- 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,237 of your ass? - Nothing.
- 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,281 Children, children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet
- 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,366 essay contest that you children worked
- 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,160 so hard on last month?
- 00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,831 One of our very own South Park students has won
- 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,249 the national prize.
- 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:28,417 [all gasp]
- 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,502 Wow, I knew I would win.
- 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:33,130 Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
- 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,965 That's right, Mr. Hat.
- 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,675 The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet
- 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,095 contest is...Eric Cartman.
- 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,639 What? - What?
- 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,307 Congratulations, Eric, on writing
- 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,934 the award-winning paper.
- 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,352 Kick ass.
- 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,229 That's impossible.
- 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,189 Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.
- 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,524 Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.
- 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,610 Out of over a million papers,
- 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,029 Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.
- 00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,114 Wow, what did you write about, Cartman?
- 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,408 Oh, you know, this and that.
- 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535 He doesn't even know what he wrote about.
- 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,454 What was your paper about, Wendy?
- 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,832 My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins.
- 00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,501 Well, you see, you shouldn't have written
- 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,961 a paper about dolphins.
- 00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,879 Dolphins are stupid.
- 00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,547 Dude, dolphins are, like, the second-smartest animal
- 00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,632 on the planet.
- 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,300 [scoffs] Oh, right.
- 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,761 If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught
- 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,930 in those fishing nets all the time?
- 00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,932 What? - Wait, wait, there's more.
- 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,726 It says here that Eric's trophy
- 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,272 will be presented to him by...
- 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,023 Kathie Lee Gifford?
- 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,150 Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?
- 00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:38,195 And the presentation will be on national television.
- 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,655 both: Television?
- 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,157 <i>Kathie Lee Gifford.</i>
- 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,742 <i>I don't believe it.</i>
- 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:47,329 Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park.
- 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,290 Oh, my God.
- 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:52,209 This is our chance to make a name for ourselves, to show
- 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,753 that we're not some pissant, white-bread mountain town.
- 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,589 Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.
- 00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,968 Yes, if I can show just how much I've turned South Park
- 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,304 around, I could become a senator.
- 00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,222 Maybe even a state senator.
- 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,641 Mayor, we should decorate the town square.
- 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,311 Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing
- 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:13,314 a song and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.
- 00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:14,523 That's right.
- 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,150 He's a black guy, isn't he?
- 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,068 Black as the night itself, Mayor.
- 00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:21,238 Yes, and we can even have the children of South Park
- 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,614 put on a little play.
- 00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,616 Kathie Lee loves children.
- 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,410 If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.
- 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,661 Oh! - Ouch.
- 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,663 [laughs] - Thank you.
- 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,540 You guys, guess what.
- 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:35,294 After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
- 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,171 Hitler was famous too.
- 00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,297 Hello there, children.
- 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,798 both: Hey, Chef.
- 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,050 How are my little crackers today?
- 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,509 Good.
- 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,219 Did y'all hear about the news?
- 00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,888 Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.
- 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,306 Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won
- 00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:48,891 the environmental essay contest.
- 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,517 Hey! - Yeah, yeah, whatever.
- 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,437 But the mayor just called and asked me
- 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,230 to sing at the ceremony.
- 00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:56,690 Wow, are you gonna do it?
- 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692 Of course.
- 00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:02,363 Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
- 00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:04,740 And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into
- 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,327 a night of exotic delectation.
- 00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,079 Yeah, that'd be cool.
- 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,955 [mumbling indistinctly]
- 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:15,501 Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
- 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,087 Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers
- 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,797 with all this excitement.
- 00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,592 Why are you looking at me like that, Mr. Hat?
- 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,053 Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering
- 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,097 that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?
- 00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,183 Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and--
- 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,893 and I was only a child.
- 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,812 We could've won that talent show.
- 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,605 We could've been huge.
- 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,065 Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.
- 00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,942 Who's there? Orange.
- 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,485 Orange who?
- 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,862 Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,783 Thank you.
- 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:52,121 Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.
- 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:58,419 And now, our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
- 00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,505 ♪ If they could see me now, that little gang of mine ♪
- 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,924 ♪ I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine ♪
- 00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,468 ♪ I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact ♪
- 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,513 ♪ The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract ♪
- 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,182 ♪ All I can say is wowee, look at where I am ♪
- 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,018 ♪ Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam ♪
- 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:17,688 ♪ What a setup, holy cow, they'd never believe it ♪
- 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,941 ♪ If my friends could see me now ♪
- 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,443 [fireworks booming]
- 00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,403 [cheers and applause]
- 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,616 It wasn't fair.
- 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,368 She had choreography.
- 00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,245 How could we compete with that?
- 00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,497 But now she's coming to South Park,
- 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,791 and I know a way to make it all better.
- 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,209 How? [gasps]
- 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,462 No, Mr. Hat.
- 00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,380 I couldn't...
- 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:47,426 kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,055 Children, as you all know,
- 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:55,559 Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present
- 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,644 the award to some kid for an essay.
- 00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,605 That kid is me. - Whatever.
- 00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,858 Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters
- 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,320 do a play about the history of South Park.
- 00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:08,697 That'll be wonderful, won't it, Mr. Hat?
- 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,699 Kill her. Mr. Hat.
- 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,952 Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.
- 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,662 Oh, that's perfect.
- 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,165 You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her.
- 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,917 We can just upstage her.
- 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,376 Mrs. Mayor,
- 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,920 you might want to review the essays.
- 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,796 We think Cartman might have cheated.
- 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,715 Who cares?
- 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,470 Now, kids, what's say we give it our South Park best?
- 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,265 And who's our little prizewinner again?
- 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,059 Me, Eric Cartman.
- 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,894 How about we get in shape, huh?
- 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,772 We want to look our best for the TV cameras, don't we?
- 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,148 Yes, ma'am.
- 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,858 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,985 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,614 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,574 ♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪
- 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,159 We don't believe for a minute that you won that
- 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,869 contest fairly, fat boy.
- 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,996 Ugh, stop defending your little girlfriend
- 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,332 for writing about some stupid fish.
- 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,751 Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
- 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,337 Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
- 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,172 Dolphins are way smarter than you.
- 00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,883 If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
- 00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,218 Dolphins don't live in igloos.
- 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,511 That's Eskimos.
- 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,221 Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?
- 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,890 It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.
- 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,141 Tell me what you wrote about.
- 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:19,518 I can't.
- 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:20,894 I have to go home and get in shape.
- 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,354 Yeah, right.
- 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,855 You'll go and sit in front of the TV
- 00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,399 and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master.
- 00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,025 Screw you, hippie.
- 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,738 <i>We'll be right back to "Jesus and Pals" after this.</i>
- 00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,074 <i>Hey, do you need to get in shape fast?</i>
- 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,867 <i>Wanna look your best?</i>
- 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,619 <i>Tired of the other guys getting all the chicks?</i>
- 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,204 <i>Are you tired of being a 90-pound weakling?</i>
- 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,373 Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
- 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,585 <i>Then bulk up quick with Weight Gain 4000.</i>
- 00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,420 Yes. <i>- Over 4,000 grams</i>
- 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130 <i>of saturated fat per serving,</i>
- 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048 <i>its patented formula is designed</i>
- 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,551 <i>to enter the mouth and go directly to the stomach,</i>
- 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,636 <i>where it is distributed to the bloodstream.</i>
- 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,555 <i>Now available at stores everywhere.</i>
- 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,224 <i>Get some today, and say it with me, "Beefcake."</i>
- 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,601 Beefcake. <i>- Beefcake!</i>
- 00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:01,810 Beefcake! <i>- Beefcake!</i>
- 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,812 Beefcake!
- 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,439 <i>May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.</i>
- 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:09,026 Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
- 00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,404 Okay, Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.
- 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,532 But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow.
- 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,493 But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.
- 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,330 Mom. [whining]
- 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,206 Okay, okay.
- 00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,917 Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now, then.
- 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,131 <i>♪ If they could see me now, that little gang of mine ♪</i>
- 00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,257 <i>♪ I'm eating fancy chow and drinking... ♪</i>
- 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,925 No! No!
- 00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845 Kill her.
- 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,056 No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.
- 00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,726 Kill.
- 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,353 That does it.
- 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,814 You're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
- 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,525 She'll make a fool of you again.
- 00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,070 Well, you can just stay in that drawer, negative Nancy.
- 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,780 Hey, dudes.
- 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,448 What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman?
- 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,699 Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow
- 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,660 on the ground?
- 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,745 Listen, I have a nice body, and I want to show it off.
- 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,330 You got that?
- 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,123 What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds.
- 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,459 I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
- 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,211 [mumbling indistinctly]
- 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,463 Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.
- 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:12,631 [laughter]
- 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,466 Laugh all you want.
- 00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,968 I'll the one who's gonna be on TV looking all buff.
- 00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,596 What's that stuff? - Weight Gain 4000.
- 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,181 It's helping me bulk up.
- 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,974 Bulk up to what, fat-ass?
- 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,643 Super fat-ass?
- 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,395 Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap
- 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,773 from you scrawny weaklings.
- 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,525 [grunting]
- 00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,360 Sweet, check me out.
- 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,738 I'm such a beefcake I can't get through the door.
- 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,323 Come on, people.
- 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,325 We've got to turn this place around.
- 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,994 Hang up the lights, string up the banners,
- 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,663 castrate the cows.
- 00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:46,456 [cows mooing]
- 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,960 Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?
- 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628 Huh? Oh, fine.
- 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,088 We were just about to run it from the top.
- 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,548 Oh, please do.
- 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550 I'm dying to see it.
- 00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,095 Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.
- 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,972 Good, and all the little Indians
- 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,640 go to the center of the stage.
- 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,101 Am I an Indian or a pioneer?
- 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,561 Do you have a feather on your head?
- 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,521 Yes. - Then you're an Indian.
- 00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:10,772 Oh.
- 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,649 Okay, Bebe, this is your line.
- 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,194 This is the story of South Park.
- 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,322 It begins over 100 years ago
- 00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:24,327 when the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land.
- 00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:27,873 [drums thumping]
- 00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,542 Oh, don't they look adorable?
- 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:34,629 Then from the East came the great white pioneers.
- 00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:38,884 [together] Ahh!
- 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470 Oh, my God.
- 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,305 They did it a lot better this morning.
- 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,848 They had more energy.
- 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,642 The pioneers met with the Indians
- 00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:51,938 and negotiated for their fertile lands.
- 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,524 Mr. Garrison, we cannot have our children
- 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,402 beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,987 Well, what do you want?
- 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,572 This is how it happened in those days.
- 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,949 Take that, you stupid Indian. - Ohh.
- 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:06,328 Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate.
- 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,247 Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford
- 00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,791 would enjoy this?
- 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,542 To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,669 [all gasp]
- 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,047 [gasps] Oh, my God. What have I said?
- 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,008 He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford."
- 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:25,764 Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.
- 00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,974 [crickets chirping]
- 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:30,143 It happened again, didn't it?
- 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,271 Now we do things my way.
- 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,316 I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.
- 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,985 You're gonna have to do it.
- 00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:41,822 [cackling]
- 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,244 Whoa, Cartman, talk about wide load.
- 00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,121 Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
- 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,832 You're not filling out nicely.
- 00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,124 You're fatter than ever.
- 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,209 I'm not fat.
- 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,961 I'm getting in shape.
- 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,796 Cartman, you're such a fat-ass that when you walk
- 00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,798 down the street, people go, "God damn it.
- 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,424 That's a big fat-ass."
- 00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,802 No, they don't, you jealous weakling.
- 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,513 God damn, that's a big fat-ass.
- 00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,139 Hey!
- 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,892 Hi, guys. - Oh, look, another hippie.
- 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,853 Peace, Wendy. - Shut up, Cartman.
- 00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:14,604 Oh.
- 00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,356 ♪ Two little hippies sitting in a tree ♪
- 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316 I'm gonna find Cartman's paper
- 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,735 and get to the bottom of this.
- 00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,613 Can I help you?
- 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,906 Yes.
- 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,700 I need a gun.
- 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,327 Would this be for hunting or protection or other?
- 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,996 Other. - Alrighty then.
- 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,748 May I suggest a Stratford 12-millimeter?
- 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,500 Go ahead. Try it on.
- 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,752 That looks really nice on you.
- 00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,171 The lacquered black really matches your eyes.
- 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,673 You talking to me?
- 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675 You talking to me?
- 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,635 I don't know, it's a little small.
- 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,929 Okay. How about this?
- 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,514 You talking to me?
- 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,641 Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.
- 00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,269 Here's the same gun with a wood finish.
- 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,729 You talking to me?
- 00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,522 I don't see anybody else around here,
- 00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,025 so you must be talking to me.
- 00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,443 I'll take it.
- 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,445 Hello?
- 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,631 "My essay, by Eric Cartman.
- 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,758 "When I wrote the following pages,
- 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,426 "or rather the bulk of them,
- 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,095 I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."
- 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,932 [door clicks open]
- 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,685 Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old Kathie Lee really will be
- 00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,646 surprised when she gets here tomorrow.
- 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,982 She beat us in the talent show all those years ago.
- 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,401 And I think we owe her for that.
- 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,986 Ba-bang!
- 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,112 Oh, my God.
- 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,660 <i>[upbeat twangy music]</i>
- 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,412 ♪♪
- 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,539 Howdy, Mr. Garrison. Nice gun.
- 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,041 Thank you.
- 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,126 Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.
- 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,670 Thanks.
- 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,088 Hello, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,923 Nice gun. - Thanks.
- 00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,633 Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good,
- 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,718 clear shot--or a view of Kathie Lee?
- 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:12,180 Hmm, you know, I think the book depository
- 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,932 would be a good bet.
- 00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:16,601 <i>[dramatic music]</i>
- 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,270 Yes, that might do quite nicely.
- 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,855 Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
- 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,148 No problem.
- 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,275 Ha! Caught you red-handed!
- 00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,528 No pictures of Kathie Lee.
- 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,531 Where is she?
- 00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,450 This is sweet.
- 00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,495 Camera crews are setting up, and I'm looking totally ripped.
- 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,664 Beefcake. Beefcake!
- 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,915 I don't think they're gonna be able to get
- 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,375 all of you in frame, Cartman.
- 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,168 You guys, we have to stop him.
- 00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,337 Stop who? - Mr. Garrison.
- 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,507 He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,050 Oh, no, you don't.
- 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,885 You're not gonna ruin my moment of fame.
- 00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,929 He's got a gun.
- 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,557 You gotta get over this whole jealousy thing, all right?
- 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,267 Seriously, just face it.
- 00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,394 I wrote a better paper than you.
- 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,188 It just so happens that I have your paper,
- 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,024 and I know why you won.
- 00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,734 There's something more important right now.
- 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,277 Let's go.
- 00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,237 Wendy, you've got to prioritize.
- 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,114 What's more important, being on TV
- 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,991 or some stupid assassination?
- 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,119 Stan, I can't do it alone.
- 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,370 Please?
- 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,247 Uh-oh, we're losing him.
- 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,999 Here she comes.
- 00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:24,002 [upbeat music]
- 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:28,339 ♪♪
- 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,467 Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America
- 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,635 who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,430 We love you, Kathie Lee.
- 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,307 I love you too.
- 00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,685 Come on, you little bitch.
- 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,395 You've got to come out of your precious bubble
- 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,397 sooner or later, missy.
- 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,109 It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome
- 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,072 Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
- 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,491 [cheers and applause]
- 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:58,203 And now our very own South Park Elementary chef
- 00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:02,499 will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.
- 00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,210 Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
- 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:09,214 You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman.
- 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,175 I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way
- 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,971 or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way.
- 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,556 No, no, no, no, no.
- 00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,350 I mean special,
- 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,852 like the song of the hummingbird as it gets ready
- 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,814 to find that female hummingbird
- 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,608 and make sweet love to it all night long.
- 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,278 Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and
- 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,030 letting their bodies caress
- 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,991 and touch each other in ecstasy.
- 00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,410 ♪ Oh Kathie Lee ♪
- 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,747 ♪ How I'd love to lay you down ♪
- 00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:45,959 ♪ And lick every inch of your body ♪
- 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,418 ♪ With my tongue ♪
- 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,212 What?
- 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,464 ♪ Kathie Lee you're my sexual fantasy ♪
- 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,592 What? ♪ How about you and me ♪
- 00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,386 Thank you, Chef, for that heartwarming song.
- 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,139 ♪ Get it together and make sweet love? ♪
- 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,265 Thank you, Chef.
- 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,850 Oh, oh.
- 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,061 God bless you, Kathie Lee.
- 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,729 Officer Barbrady,
- 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,356 Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee.
- 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,024 We have to find him.
- 00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,152 What? You mean the teacher?
- 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,154 Wait a minute.
- 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,489 Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear
- 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,700 shot-- or a view of Kathie Lee?
- 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,661 Hmm, you know, I think the book depository
- 00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,580 would be a good bet.
- 00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,207 I think the book depository would be a good bet.
- 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,586 Book depository, depository, book depository, depository.
- 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,462 Damn, he could be anywhere.
- 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,423 I'll send out an APB.
- 00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,674 Wendy, look.
- 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,095 And now, here to present the award
- 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:43,224 for the environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman...
- 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,101 Cartman, God damn it.
- 00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:48,146 Is your favorite celebrity and mine,
- 00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,649 Kathie Lee Gifford.
- 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,943 [grunts]
- 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,447 Thank you. I love you all.
- 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,532 Mr. Garrison, stop.
- 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,075 Leave us.
- 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,077 We must finish what we have begun.
- 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,079 I know that she's hurt you.
- 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,497 She's hurt a lot of people.
- 00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,124 You can't know.
- 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,501 You should've won that talent show.
- 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,296 It is with a great honor and pride that I present
- 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,173 the winner this trophy.
- 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,258 Eric, would you please come up here?
- 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,887 Here it is, my big moment of fame.
- 00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,514 And then she finished it all by throwing her voice
- 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,433 with two dummies at once.
- 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,228 I know that, Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.
- 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,814 It is too late for me, young Wendy.
- 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,277 You see, I've learned something today.
- 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,196 You can't win all the time.
- 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,907 And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against
- 00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:44,035 the person who did, because that's the only way
- 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,912 you ever really lose.
- 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,331 You're...you're right.
- 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,458 Good.
- 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,419 Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?
- 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,046 The bitch must die.
- 00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,716 Ahh! [gunshot]
- 00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:00,677 [mumbles indistinctly]
- 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,141 Oh, my God. They killed Kenny.
- 00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,102 You bastard.
- 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:10,687 Gun! - Gun!
- 00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,397 Hey, come back.
- 00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,982 We didn't even get to do our play.
- 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,817 all: Aww.
- 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,568 I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.
- 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,737 Hey, wait a minute.
- 00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,698 When do I get to be on television?
- 00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,032 Forget it, kid.
- 00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,742 No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
- 00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:28,329 But I won the environmental essay contest.
- 00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,957 You don't deserve to win, Cartman,
- 00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,625 and you know it.
- 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,378 I'm holding Cartman's award-winning paper.
- 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,797 It's actually nothing more than "Walden"
- 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,008 with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out
- 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,468 and Cartman's name written in its place.
- 00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,970 Who cares?
- 00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,763 Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
- 00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,057 What about not holding anything against
- 00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,350 the person who wins?
- 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,894 Well, not if it's Cartman.
- 00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,397 Hey, where are you all going?
- 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,108 They don't even know what "Walden" is.
- 00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:01,029 I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.
- 00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,780 Come on, Wendy.
- 00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:04,198 Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.
- 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,700 Oh, what the hell.
- 00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,578 [sobbing] No, no.
- 00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:11,539 Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever
- 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:14,834 with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless,
- 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,836 truck-driving idiots.
- 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464 Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
- 00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:22,133 Thought you could get away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?
- 00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,634 Well, I would have gotten away with it
- 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,470 if it weren't for those meddling kids.
- 00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:27,388 You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee Gifford
- 00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,932 and that nobody got hurt.
- 00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,520 We hope you can come back to school real soon,
- 00:22:34,645 --> 00:22:36,356 Mr. Garrison.
- 00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:37,857 Well, children, I'd love to, but the doctors say
- 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,859 that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
- 00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,236 We can still get her.
- 00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,114 I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances
- 00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574 for being on TV.
- 00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:47,784 Not Cartman.
- 00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:49,285 He gets to be on TV anyway.
- 00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,037 Really? On what?
- 00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:55,124 Obesity, adiposity, corpulence.
- 00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:58,252 Whatever word you use, it represents one thing:
- 00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,171 being a big fat-ass.
- 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,924 We have with us today live via satellite Eric Cartman
- 00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,884 from South Park,
- 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,304 who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house.
- 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,598 When is this gonna be on the air?
- 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,976 Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?
- 00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,020 Follow your dreams.
- 00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,939 You can reach your goals.
- 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,524 I'm living proof.
- 00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,692 Beefcake. Beefcake!
- 00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,195 He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.
- 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,490 Mmm, how about a little more of that good loving, Chef?
- 00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,158 Damn, woman.
- 00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,035 I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago.
- 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,912 You trying to kill me?
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