Набор веса 4000

00:02:30,695 --> 00:02:32,155

Я их ненавижу!

00:02:32,365 --> 00:02:36,165

- Все любят радугу.

- Что в ней можно ненавидеть?

00:02:36,375 --> 00:02:41,505

Ну, сидишь, никого не трогаешь,

и тут они маршируют в...

00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:45,715

...задницу по твоей ноге

и начинают кусаться.

00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:51,925

И я им говорю:

"Эй, вылезайте из моей

задницы, вы, долбаные радуги!"

00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:57,975

- Какого черта ты несешь?

- Радуги. Я их ненавижу.

00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:02,435

Радуга - это разноцветная дуга,

которая появляется, когда идет дождь.

00:03:02,645 --> 00:03:06,945

А, радуги!

О, да, они мне нравятся.

Это круто.

00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:10,365

- О чем ты говорил?

- Ни о чем, забудь.

00:03:10,525 --> 00:03:13,865

Что маршируют по твое ноге в задницу

и кусаются прямо внутри задницы?

00:03:14,035 --> 00:03:15,035

Ничего!

00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:19,575

Дети, помните: конкурс докладов

"Спасите Нашу хрупкую планету"...

00:03:19,745 --> 00:03:22,995

...над которым мы хорошенько

потрудились в прошлом месяце?

00:03:24,035 --> 00:03:28,795

Один из учеников Южного Парка

выиграл национальный приз.

00:03:28,965 --> 00:03:31,045

Уау, я знала, что должна победить.

00:03:31,215 --> 00:03:34,755

- Мистер Гаррисон, это так волнующее.

- Верно, мистер Шляпа.

00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:39,175

Победителем национального конкурса

"Спасите Нашу Хрупкую планету" стал:

00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:40,635

Эрик Картман.

00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,055

- Что?!

- Что?!

00:03:42,225 --> 00:03:45,475

Поздравляем, ты написал лучшую работу.

00:03:45,645 --> 00:03:46,895

Охренеть!

00:03:47,065 --> 00:03:50,775

Картман не отличит

тропические леса от Pop-Tart.

00:03:50,935 --> 00:03:53,065

Я отличу. Pop-Tart - глазированный.

00:03:53,235 --> 00:03:57,575

Из более чем миллионов работ работа

Эрика была выбрана победителем.

00:03:57,735 --> 00:04:01,905

- Уау! О чем ты написал?

- Ну так... о том, о сём...

00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:05,535

- Он даже не знает, о чем писал!

- О чем была твоя работа?

00:04:05,705 --> 00:04:09,375

Это была работа о дельфинах-афалинах.

00:04:09,535 --> 00:04:13,875

Тебе не следовало писать

о дельфинах. Они тупые.

00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:18,085

Чувак, дельфины - вторые по умности

среди млекопитающих планеты.

00:04:18,255 --> 00:04:23,465

Хорошо. Если они чертовски умны, как же

они попадают в рыболовные сети?

00:04:23,635 --> 00:04:25,515

- Что?

- Погоди, это еще не все.

00:04:25,675 --> 00:04:31,395

Здесь сказано,

что приз Эрику будет вручать...

00:04:31,555 --> 00:04:33,565

...Кэти Ли Гиффорд?

00:04:33,725 --> 00:04:35,685

Кэти Ли будет здесь?

00:04:35,895 --> 00:04:38,735

Церемония будет идти по телеку.

00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:40,195

По телеку?

00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:44,325

Кэти Ли Гиффорд... Я не верю.

00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:47,905

Кэти Ли Гиффорд в Южном Парке!

00:04:48,075 --> 00:04:52,165

О Боже мой! Это наш шанс прославиться...

00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:55,285

...доказать, что у нас не какой-то

зассанный провинциальный городишко.

00:04:55,455 --> 00:04:58,125

Это - Ваш шанс завоевать общественность!

00:04:58,295 --> 00:05:03,885

Если я смогу показать,

как я изменила к лучшему Южный Парк,

я смогу стать сенатором!

00:05:04,045 --> 00:05:08,175

- А может, даже и сенатором штата!

- Давайте украсим городскую площадь!

00:05:08,345 --> 00:05:13,725

Мы должны заставить Шефа петь

и показывать наше этническое разнообразие.

00:05:13,895 --> 00:05:16,725

Точно!

Он же черный, да?

00:05:16,895 --> 00:05:18,605

Черный как ночь!

00:05:18,765 --> 00:05:23,145

Да! И мы можем заставить детей

Южного Парка изображать игру.

00:05:23,315 --> 00:05:25,155

Кэти Ли любит детей.

00:05:25,315 --> 00:05:28,445

Если они работают на потогонном

производстве, конечно.

00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:30,235

Спасибо.

00:05:30,405 --> 00:05:31,945

Эй, парни, знаете, что?

00:05:32,115 --> 00:05:35,825

После того, как я появлюсь

по телеку, я стану суперизвестным!

00:05:35,995 --> 00:05:37,745

Гитлер тоже был известным.

00:05:37,915 --> 00:05:39,785

- Здравствуйте, дети!

- Привет, Шеф!

00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:42,335

- Как поживают мои маленькие печенюшки?

- Хорошо.

00:05:42,495 --> 00:05:46,425

Вы уже слышали? Кэти Ли Гиффорд

приезжает в Саут Парк!

00:05:46,625 --> 00:05:49,965

Потому, что Картман сжульничал

и выиграл конкурс эссе.

00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:55,805

Да какая разница. Главное, мэр позвонила

и попросила меня спеть на церемонии.

00:05:55,975 --> 00:05:58,385

- Ты собираешься это делать?

- Конечно.

00:05:58,515 --> 00:06:02,935

Кэти Ли - красивая знойная

королева сексуальных фантазий.

00:06:03,105 --> 00:06:08,895

Если я спою для нее, может быть, я смогу

затянуть её в ночь экзотических наслаждений.

00:06:09,065 --> 00:06:10,655

Да, это было бы круто!

00:06:12,195 --> 00:06:16,075

Ну, в любом случае, в три раза

больше, чем у Фрэнка Гиффорда!

00:06:16,235 --> 00:06:21,365

Я так волнуюсь, что не могу

сконцентрироваться

на классификации документов.

00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,955

Чего ты так на меня смотришь?

00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:28,665

Ты что, забыл всю боль и страдания,

которые причинила тебе Кэти Ли?

00:06:28,835 --> 00:06:33,335

Мистер Шляпа, это было давным-давно,

и я был всего лишь ребенком.

00:06:33,545 --> 00:06:35,845

Мы могли выиграть этот конкурс талантов.

00:06:37,175 --> 00:06:39,465

- Тук-тук, мистер Шляпа.

- Кто там?

00:06:39,635 --> 00:06:41,425

- Дыня.

- Какая дыня?

00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:45,435

А "ды не" рад, что я не сказал "банан"?

00:06:46,515 --> 00:06:48,225

Спасибо.

00:06:49,815 --> 00:06:52,685

Оу, мистер Шляпа.

Выглядит так, словно мы можем выиграть.

00:06:52,855 --> 00:06:55,855

А сейчас наш последний

финалист шоу талантов...

00:06:56,065 --> 00:06:58,195

...Кэти Ли Эпштейн.

00:07:28,475 --> 00:07:33,765

Это было нечестно. У неё была подтанцовка.

Как мы могли с ней состязаться?

00:07:33,975 --> 00:07:38,355

Но теперь она приезжает в Южный Парк,

и я знаю, как все исправить.

00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:39,895

Как?

00:07:40,235 --> 00:07:43,655

Нет, мистер Шляпа! Я не могу...

00:07:43,815 --> 00:07:47,575

...убить Кэти Ли Гиффорд.

00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:54,125

Дети, как вы все знаете,

Миссис Кэти Ли Гиффорд...

00:07:54,335 --> 00:07:58,345

...будет здесь, чтобы вручить награду

одному мальчику за его сочинение.

00:07:58,505 --> 00:08:00,255

- Этот мальчик - я!

- Какая разница?!

00:08:00,465 --> 00:08:03,425

Я бы хотела, чтобы вы...

00:08:03,635 --> 00:08:06,975

...сделали спектакль

об истории Южного Парка.

00:08:07,135 --> 00:08:09,435

Это прекрасно, верно, мистер Шляпа?

00:08:09,605 --> 00:08:11,065

- Убей ее!

- Мистер Шляпа!

00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:14,645

Мистер Гаррисон, я прошу

вас поставить этот спектакль.

00:08:14,815 --> 00:08:15,935

Это замечательно.

00:08:16,145 --> 00:08:20,615

Видишь, мистер Шляпа, нам не нужно

её убивать. Мы можем просто превзойти её.

00:08:20,775 --> 00:08:25,495

Вы, возможно, захотите перепроверить

эссе. Мы думаем, Картман сжульничал!

00:08:25,695 --> 00:08:32,125

Кого это волнует? Сейчас, дети,

мы хотим прославить Саут Парк!

00:08:33,585 --> 00:08:37,795

- Ну-ка, еще раз, кто наш юный победитель?

- Я, Эрик Картман!

00:08:37,955 --> 00:08:42,505

Как насчет того, чтоб привести себя

в порядок? Мы же хотим выглядеть

лучше всех на ТВ, не так ли?

00:08:42,675 --> 00:08:43,635

Да, мэм.

00:08:43,845 --> 00:08:47,765

Меня покажут по телику!

Меня покажут по телику!

00:08:49,345 --> 00:08:53,305

Меня покажут по телику!

Меня покажут по телику!

00:08:53,475 --> 00:08:57,015

Мы не верим, что ты выиграл

конкурс честно, жиртрест.

00:08:57,185 --> 00:09:01,065

Хватит защищать свою подружку

из-за доклада о дурацкой рыбе.

00:09:01,235 --> 00:09:06,065

- Дельфины умны и дружелюбны.

- Умны и дружелюбны, как ржаной хлеб!

00:09:06,235 --> 00:09:10,575

- Дельфины умнее тебя.

- Тогда херли они живут в ледяных иглу?

00:09:10,735 --> 00:09:14,575

- Это не дельфины. Это эскимосы!

- Какая разница?

00:09:14,745 --> 00:09:18,535

- Все это - чушь хиппи,

любящих обнимать деревья.

- Скажи мне, что ты написал в эссе!

00:09:18,745 --> 00:09:21,455

Я не могу. Я должен идти домой

и привести себя в порядок!

00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:26,085

Ага, верно! Пойдешь смотреть телик

и жрать сырные чипсы, задница.

00:09:26,255 --> 00:09:27,585

Пошел ты, хиппи!

00:09:28,925 --> 00:09:32,215

Мы вернемся к программе Иисус

и Его Приятели сразу после рекламы.

00:09:32,425 --> 00:09:35,805

Вы хотите быстро привести себя в форму?

Хотите выглядеть лучше?

00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:39,935

Устали, что у вас нет тёлки?

Надело весить жалкие 45 кг?

00:09:40,105 --> 00:09:42,315

Да, я вешу всего лишь 45 кг.

00:09:42,475 --> 00:09:45,815

Тогда наберите вес

с Набор Веса 4000!

00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:50,735

Более 4000 граммов чистого жира

на порцию. Его формула разработана...

00:09:50,905 --> 00:09:55,325

...так, чтобы попасть в желудок,

где она распространяется в кровь!

00:09:55,485 --> 00:09:57,995

Теперь доступно во всех магазинах мира.

00:09:58,155 --> 00:10:00,365

- Скажите вместе со мной: "Я красавчик!"

- Я красавчик.

00:10:00,535 --> 00:10:01,955

- Я красавчик!

- Я красавчик!

00:10:03,785 --> 00:10:06,625

Может вызвать необратимые

изменения в почках и печени.

00:10:06,795 --> 00:10:09,715

Мам, можешь купить мне Набор Веса 4000?

00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:13,135

Хорошо, Эрик.

Я куплю тебе ее завтра.

00:10:13,295 --> 00:10:16,215

Но, мам, мне нужно сегодня!

00:10:16,385 --> 00:10:19,215

Но я только завтра

хотела пойти по магазинам.

00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:20,845

Мам!

00:10:22,135 --> 00:10:27,515

Хорошо, хорошо. Ну, думаю,

я могу пойти в магазин и сейчас.

00:10:33,145 --> 00:10:34,485

Нет, нет!

00:10:35,985 --> 00:10:37,565

Убей ее!

00:10:37,735 --> 00:10:39,775

Нет, мистер Шляпа, я не хочу этого делать.

00:10:39,945 --> 00:10:42,195

Убей!

00:10:43,575 --> 00:10:47,955

Ну хватит. Отправляйтесь

в ящик, мистер Шляпа.

00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:53,755

- Она одурачит тебя снова.

- Оставайся-ка в этом шкафу,

недоброжелательная Нэнси.

00:10:53,915 --> 00:10:55,085

Привет, парни.

00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:59,835

Что с тобой? Ты не заметил снег?

00:11:00,005 --> 00:11:03,465

У меня отличная фигура,

и я хочу показать ее всем.

00:11:03,635 --> 00:11:08,595

- Чего? Да ты весишь 45 кг!

- Уже 47, спасибо, что заметил.

00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:13,225

Ага, сиськи уже почти как у его мамаши!

00:11:13,395 --> 00:11:17,525

Смейтесь сколько хотите!

А по ТВ покажут меня, толстокожего.

00:11:17,735 --> 00:11:21,815

- Что это за хрень?

- "Набери Вес 4000". Она расширяет меня!

00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:24,695

- Расширяет что, Жиртрест?

- Супер-жирный зад?

00:11:24,865 --> 00:11:30,245

Эй, я не обязан выслушивать

это дерьмо от вас, костлявые дохляки!

00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:37,455

Ого, зацените. Я такой

качок, что в двери не прохожу.

00:11:37,625 --> 00:11:41,045

Вперед, народ. Мы должны изменить

это место до неузнаваемости.

00:11:41,215 --> 00:11:45,385

Вешаем фонарики, устанавливаем

баннеры, кастрируем коров!

00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:50,425

Ну что, мистер Гаррисон,

как дела с маленьким представлением!

00:11:50,635 --> 00:11:53,805

Неплохо. Мы как раз прогоняем

его с самого начала!

00:11:53,975 --> 00:11:57,145

О, пожалуйста, покажите!

С удовольствием посмотрю его!

00:11:57,305 --> 00:12:00,775

Все маленькие пионеры

- по эту сторону сцены.

00:12:00,935 --> 00:12:04,315

Маленькие индейцы

- идите в центр сцены.

00:12:04,485 --> 00:12:08,235

- Я - индеец или пионер?

- У тебя есть на голове перо?

00:12:08,405 --> 00:12:11,285

- Да.

- Значит, ты - индеец.

00:12:11,445 --> 00:12:13,325

Бебе, твоя реплика.

00:12:13,495 --> 00:12:16,915

Это история о Южном Парке.

00:12:17,075 --> 00:12:20,245

Все началось более 100 лет назад...

00:12:20,415 --> 00:12:26,545

...когда благородные и отважные

индейцы племени Юта жили на этой земле.

00:12:28,675 --> 00:12:31,215

О, разве они не очаровательны?

00:12:31,385 --> 00:12:35,345

Затем с Востока пришли

белые пионеры.

00:12:40,685 --> 00:12:43,815

- О, Боже мой!

- Они выступали лучше этим утром.

00:12:43,975 --> 00:12:45,395

У них было больше энергии.

00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:48,355

Пионеры встретились с индейцами...

00:12:48,525 --> 00:12:52,605

...чтобы обсудить условия

проживания на их плодородных землях.

00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:58,115

Мы не можем позволить, чтобы дети

били друг друга прямо перед Кэти Ли!

00:12:58,285 --> 00:13:01,245

Что вы хотите?

Вот как это произошло.

00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:03,625

Получи, ты, тупой индеец!

00:13:03,785 --> 00:13:06,705

Мистер Гаррисон, это неприемлемо!

00:13:06,875 --> 00:13:11,215

Вы действительно думаете,

что Кэти Ли это понравится?

00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:14,505

К черту Кэти Ли Гиффорд!

00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,755

Что я сказал?

00:13:17,925 --> 00:13:20,715

Он сказал: "К черту Кэти Ли Гиффорд!"

00:13:21,055 --> 00:13:26,435

Мистер Гаррисон, я отстраняю вас

от руководства нашего спектакля.

00:13:28,685 --> 00:13:33,895

Это случилось снова, не так ли?

Сейчас мы будем делать по-моему.

00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,945

Я не могу её убить, Мистер Шляпа.

00:13:37,105 --> 00:13:40,155

Ты собираешься это сделать.

00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:50,625

- Картман, вот это объемы.

- Я начинаю заполняться красотой.

00:13:50,785 --> 00:13:53,495

Нет, не так.

Ты стал еще жирнее!

00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:56,045

Я не жирный, я набираю форму!

00:13:56,205 --> 00:13:59,755

У тебя такая жирная задница, что,

когда ты ходишь по улице, люди говорят:

00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,045

"Бог ты мой, это самая жирная задница!"

00:14:02,215 --> 00:14:04,715

Нет, это не так, ты просто завидуешь мне!

00:14:04,925 --> 00:14:08,265

Бог ты мой, это самая жирная задница!

00:14:08,595 --> 00:14:11,475

- Привет, ребята.

- О, смотрите, еще одна хиппи.

00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:14,395

- Мир, Вэнди.

- Заткнись, Картман!

00:14:14,565 --> 00:14:17,065

Два маленьких хиппи сидят на дереве.

00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:21,195

Я найду доклад Картмана,

и докопаюсь до истины.

00:14:23,025 --> 00:14:26,575

- Чем могу помочь?

- Мне нужно оружие.

00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:30,035

Для охоты, самозащиты или для иных целей?

00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:31,785

- Для иных целей.

- Хорошо тогда.

00:14:31,995 --> 00:14:35,705

Могу предложить Statford 12 мм?

Попробуйте это!

00:14:36,455 --> 00:14:40,835

Хорошо смотрится.

Лакированное черное под цвет вашим глазам

00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,375

Ты это мне говоришь?

Ты это мне говоришь?

00:14:44,625 --> 00:14:48,595

- Я даже не знаю,

эта слишком мала, что ли.

- Хорошо. Как насчёт этого?

00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:52,015

Ты это мне говоришь?

Нет мне это не нравится.

00:14:52,175 --> 00:14:54,805

Вот вам ружье с деревянной отделкой.

00:14:54,975 --> 00:14:56,135

Ты это мне говоришь?!

00:14:56,395 --> 00:15:00,565

Я не вижу здесь никого другого,

поэтому ты, должно быть, говоришь мне.

00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:02,025

Я беру это.

00:15:02,725 --> 00:15:03,855

Есть кто?

00:15:20,575 --> 00:15:23,035

"Мой доклад. Автор Эрик Картман.

00:15:23,205 --> 00:15:27,295

Когда я писал эти страницы,

вернее, большую их часть...

00:15:27,465 --> 00:15:30,835

...я жил один в лесу на берегу..."

00:15:32,845 --> 00:15:38,135

Мистер Шляпа, старушка Кэти Ли действительно

будет удивлена, когда завтра приедет.

00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:41,685

Много лет назад она обошла

нас на конкурсе талантов.

00:15:42,345 --> 00:15:44,605

Я думаю, мы должны ей за это отплатить.

00:15:45,355 --> 00:15:46,605

О, Боже мой!

00:15:54,945 --> 00:15:58,235

- Привет, мистер Гаррисон. Отличное ружье.

- Спасибо.

00:15:58,445 --> 00:16:01,655

- Отличное ружье, мистер Гаррисон.

- Спасибо.

00:16:01,825 --> 00:16:04,245

- Здравствуйте, офицер Барбрэди.

- Отличное ружье.

00:16:04,415 --> 00:16:10,375

Если в где-нибудь в городе точка,

где я могу хорошо видеть Кэти Ли?

00:16:10,625 --> 00:16:14,255

Я думаю, книжное хранилище

будет хорошим выбором.

00:16:17,135 --> 00:16:21,215

Это, пожалуй, вполне подойдет.

Спасибо, офицер Барбрэди.

00:16:21,385 --> 00:16:22,965

Не за что.

00:16:23,175 --> 00:16:26,765

Я поймал вас с поличным!

Никаких фотографий Кэти Ли!

00:16:27,805 --> 00:16:29,765

Где же она?

00:16:30,645 --> 00:16:35,985

Это приятно. Журналисты устанавливают

свои камеры, а я выгляжу божественно.

00:16:36,145 --> 00:16:40,405

- Я красавчик! Я красавчик!

- Ты не влезешь в кадр.

00:16:40,615 --> 00:16:43,235

- Ребята, мы должны остановить его!

- Остановить кого?

00:16:43,405 --> 00:16:47,825

Мистера Гаррисона!

Он пытается убить

Кэти Ли Гиффорд!

00:16:47,995 --> 00:16:51,325

Нет, не надо!

Ты не сможешь лишить меня моей минуты славы.

00:16:51,495 --> 00:16:52,665

У него оружие!

00:16:52,825 --> 00:16:55,585

Ты должна преодолеть это чувство ревности.

00:16:55,745 --> 00:16:59,625

Серьезно, просто смирись.

Я написал доклад лучше, чем ты.

00:16:59,795 --> 00:17:04,345

Так получилось, что у меня есть

твой доклад, и я знаю, почему ты выиграл.

00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:07,255

Есть вещи поважнее сейчас.

00:17:07,425 --> 00:17:10,635

Ты должна решить, что более важно:

00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:13,765

Быть на экране,

или какое-то тупое убийство?

00:17:13,935 --> 00:17:17,765

Стен, я не могу сделать это

в одиночку. Пожалуйста?!

00:17:17,935 --> 00:17:19,565

Мы его теряем.

00:17:19,725 --> 00:17:21,355

Вот она идёт!

00:17:28,865 --> 00:17:33,035

Чёрт возьми, я, оказывается,

не единственный, кто хочет убить её.

00:17:33,205 --> 00:17:35,785

Мы любим тебя, Кэти Ли!

00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,625

Мы любим вас тоже.

00:17:37,785 --> 00:17:40,915

Давай, маленькая сучка.

00:17:41,085 --> 00:17:44,335

Ты должна оставить свой драгоценный

колпак на некоторое время.

00:17:44,505 --> 00:17:48,585

С большой честью и гордостью я

хотела бы поприветствовать...

00:17:48,755 --> 00:17:52,425

...миссис Кэти Ли Гиффорд в Саут Парке!

00:17:54,975 --> 00:17:58,685

А теперь наш шеф - повар Южного Парка...

00:17:58,895 --> 00:18:02,725

...споет специальную песню в

честь Кэти Ли Гиффорд!

00:18:03,815 --> 00:18:05,435

Спасибо, миссис Мэр.

00:18:05,645 --> 00:18:09,565

Ты знаешь, Кэти Ли,

ты - очень особая женщина.

00:18:09,735 --> 00:18:13,195

Я не имею ввиду

"особая как Мэри Тейлор Муур"...

00:18:13,405 --> 00:18:17,285

...или особая как особая неделя

в нашем Веселом Бургере.

00:18:17,495 --> 00:18:22,245

Нет, нет, нет. Я говорю "особая".

Похожая на песню колибри...

00:18:22,455 --> 00:18:26,045

...когда он готовится

найти самочку-колибри...

00:18:26,245 --> 00:18:29,255

...и заняться с ней сладкой

любовью всю ночь на пролет.

00:18:29,455 --> 00:18:32,625

Только две колибри

стонали и стонали...

00:18:32,835 --> 00:18:37,305

...и, позволяя ласкать свои тела

и трогать друг друга в экстазе...

00:18:47,855 --> 00:18:49,435

Что?

00:18:51,815 --> 00:18:53,275

Что?!

00:18:54,855 --> 00:18:59,195

Спасибо, Шеф, за

эту трогательную песню.

00:18:59,365 --> 00:19:01,905

Спасибо, Шеф!

00:19:02,195 --> 00:19:05,115

Бог с тобой, Кэти Ли!

00:19:05,705 --> 00:19:10,085

Мистер Гаррисон собирается убить

Кэти Ли! Мы должны найти его!

00:19:10,285 --> 00:19:13,795

Что? Вы имеете в виду этого

вашего учителя? Погодите-ка...

00:19:14,415 --> 00:19:19,885

Если в где-нибудь в городе точка,

где я могу хорошо видеть Кэти Ли?

00:19:20,385 --> 00:19:23,715

Я думаю, книжное хранилище

будет хорошим выбором.

00:19:23,885 --> 00:19:27,515

Я думаю, книжное хранилище

будет хорошим выбором.

00:19:27,675 --> 00:19:29,895

Книжное хранилище. Хранилище.

00:19:30,095 --> 00:19:33,765

Черт, он может быть где угодно!

Я разошлю его приметы...

00:19:33,935 --> 00:19:36,185

Венди, смотри!

00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:39,445

А сейчас, здесь, чтобы вручить награду...

00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:43,365

...за лучший доклад нашему Эрику Кауфману...

00:19:43,565 --> 00:19:45,235

Картман, твою мать!

00:19:45,405 --> 00:19:48,495

...наша с вами любимая звезда...

00:19:48,905 --> 00:19:51,955

...Кэти Ли Гиффорд!

00:19:55,625 --> 00:19:57,795

Спасибо. Я всех вас люблю.

00:19:58,085 --> 00:19:59,915

Мистер Гаррисон! Остановитесь!

00:20:00,085 --> 00:20:03,425

Оставьте нас, мы должны

закончить то, что начали.

00:20:03,585 --> 00:20:06,885

Я знаю, что она вас обидела.

Она стольких успела обидеть.

00:20:07,045 --> 00:20:10,885

- Ты не знаешь.

- Вы должны были победить

на конкурсе талантов.

00:20:11,055 --> 00:20:15,515

Для меня большая честь

вручить награду победителю.

00:20:15,685 --> 00:20:21,225

- Эрик, не мог бы ты,

пожалуйста, подняться сюда?

- Вот он, мой момент славы.

00:20:21,435 --> 00:20:25,315

Потом она озвучила своим

голосом две разные куклы.

00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:28,565

Я понимаю, но это не выход.

00:20:28,735 --> 00:20:32,035

Для меня уже слишком поздно, юная Венди.

00:20:34,155 --> 00:20:38,075

Я сегодня многое поняла.

Вы не можете выигрывать все время.

00:20:38,285 --> 00:20:42,545

Если ты все-таки проиграл, нельзя

держать зло на того, кто у тебя выиграл...

00:20:42,745 --> 00:20:46,255

...потому что только так

ты по-настоящему проигрываешь.

00:20:46,415 --> 00:20:48,625

Ты права.

00:20:48,835 --> 00:20:50,295

Хорошо.

00:20:50,505 --> 00:20:53,755

Она и правда смогла озвучить

сразу двух кукол?

00:20:53,925 --> 00:20:55,345

Эта сучка должна умереть!

00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:09,065

О Боже, они убили Кенни!

Сволочи!

00:21:09,525 --> 00:21:11,025

- Оружие!

- Оружие!

00:21:11,195 --> 00:21:15,735

Эй, вернитесь!

Мы вам еще не показали нашу пьесу!

00:21:16,365 --> 00:21:17,945

Это, походу, всё. Сворачиваемся.

00:21:18,115 --> 00:21:22,035

Эй, минуточку.

Когда меня будут снимать для телика?

00:21:22,205 --> 00:21:25,075

Забудь.

Нет Кэти Ли - нет рейтингов.

00:21:25,245 --> 00:21:28,665

Но я выиграл конкурс

по защите окружающей среды!

00:21:28,835 --> 00:21:32,585

Ты не заслуживаешь победы, Картман,

и ты сам это знаешь!

00:21:32,755 --> 00:21:37,675

Я держу работу Картмана. Это на самом

деле не больше, чем повесть Уолдена...

00:21:37,845 --> 00:21:42,845

...с зачеркнутым именем Торо

и написанным именем Картмана вместо него.

00:21:43,055 --> 00:21:46,095

- Кого волнует?

- Кэти Ли Гиффорд ушла.

00:21:46,265 --> 00:21:49,765

А что на счет того, что нельзя

держать зло на того, кто выиграл?

00:21:49,935 --> 00:21:52,225

Ну, к Картману это не относится!

00:21:52,435 --> 00:21:57,445

Эй, куда вы?

Они даже не знают, о чем повесть Уолдена.

00:21:57,605 --> 00:22:01,235

Бьюсь об заклад, если бы Уолден был

комедией, они бы все про него знали!

00:22:01,405 --> 00:22:04,745

Пошли. Мама Кайла приготовит

нам сэндвич с тунцом.

00:22:04,905 --> 00:22:06,075

Какого черта.

00:22:06,655 --> 00:22:11,745

Нет, нет! Теперь я застряну в этом

сраном городишке навсегда...

00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:17,215

...с этими тупыми вонючими

ленивыми тварями!

00:22:17,375 --> 00:22:19,755

Госпожа Мэр, микрофон включен.

00:22:19,965 --> 00:22:22,755

Думали, сможете сбежать, мистер Шляпа?

00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:26,015

Я бы смог убежать, если бы

не эти пронырливые детки.

00:22:26,175 --> 00:22:30,555

Тебе повезло, что ты промахнулся

в Кэти Ли, и никто не пострадал.

00:22:33,145 --> 00:22:35,725

Надеемся, Вы скоро сможете

вернуться в школу.

00:22:35,895 --> 00:22:40,025

Я бы с удовольствием, но врачи говорят, что

мистер Шляпа нуждается в большем уходе.

00:22:40,185 --> 00:22:42,355

Мы всё ещё можем получить её!

00:22:42,525 --> 00:22:46,655

Мне только жаль, что разрушил

шанс всем попасть на телевиденье.

00:22:46,825 --> 00:22:49,445

Только не Картмана.

Он всё равно пролезет на телевиденье.

00:22:49,655 --> 00:22:51,195

Правда? С каким талантом?

00:22:51,365 --> 00:22:52,705

Тучность.

00:22:52,865 --> 00:22:54,955

Лишний вес. Ожирение.

00:22:55,165 --> 00:22:58,415

Какое бы слово тут ни использовали,

оно будет означает одно и то же:

00:22:58,585 --> 00:23:00,085

быть большой жирной задницей.

00:23:00,245 --> 00:23:04,295

А у нас на спутниковой связи

Эрик Картман из Саут Парка...

00:23:04,465 --> 00:23:08,345

...ставший настолько толстым, что он

не может выбраться из собственного дома.

00:23:08,505 --> 00:23:10,715

Когда это будет в эфире?

00:23:10,885 --> 00:23:14,055

Что бы вы хотели сказать людям?

00:23:14,675 --> 00:23:16,305

Следуй мечтам!

00:23:16,475 --> 00:23:19,895

Вы можете достичь своих целей.

Я - живое тому доказательство.

00:23:20,055 --> 00:23:21,855

Красавчик. Красавчик!

00:23:22,015 --> 00:23:25,145

Его прогнать бы вокруг квартала пару раз.

00:23:25,355 --> 00:23:27,815

Как насчет того, чтобы

заняться любовью еще раз?

00:23:27,985 --> 00:23:31,155

Черт! Мы этим занимались

пять минут назад!

00:23:31,315 --> 00:23:33,025

Ты пытаешься убить меня?

00:23:33,035 --> 00:23:38,035

Переведено на сайте www.notabenoid.com

http://notabenoid.com/book/10656/34052

00:23:38,045 --> 00:23:40,045

Переводчики: Lendis (главный), eX3o,

anastasia_v, tomcat, TheNotic,

simuladora, Margo88, Marsha, Aroma.

00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,843

Central's "South Park, " Matt

Stone and Trey Parker.

00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,892

Oh, hello.

I'm Trey Parker.

00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,227

And I'm Matt Stone.

00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,478

And this here is old Scratch.

00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,480

Say hi, old fella.

00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:24,483

This episode of "South Park" is

called "Weight Gain 4000,"

00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,777

and it's by far our favorite

episode.

00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,739

It's all about Kathie Lee

Gifford coming to "South Park"

00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:34,035

and Eric Cartman trying to beef

himself up for the big day.

00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,328

Exactly how much weight does

Eric Cartman gain

00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,955

in this episode?

00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,623

Well, after Eric Cartman

starts eating

00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:42,126

the Weight Gain 4000,

he gains 700 pounds.

00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,336

That makes him almost as heavy

as Sally Struthers.

00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:47,798

Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever

offended you in some fashion?

00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,384

Was she flattered by her

depiction here?

00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,886

Well, we don't really care,

00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,012

because Kathie Lee Gifford is

a--

00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,014

Very wonderful woman.

00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:59,894

Both Trey and I really, really

respect her work with Regis.

00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:01,395

Guns and bullets seem to be

00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,980

a recurring theme in "South

Park."

00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,983

Have either of you ever killed

anyone?

00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:11,030

I would never kill somebody,

unless they pissed me off.

00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,823

Guys, why do you keep killing

off poor Kenny?

00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,700

What did he ever do to you?

00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,912

Well, Kenny is definitely our

favorite character.

00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,914

And even though he is our

favorite character,

00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,707

we feel we have to kill him in

every episode,

00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,542

and this one of our favorite

deaths in this one.

00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,045

How does someone create a

show like "South Park"

00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,588

and remain as pure and

wholesome

00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,423

as you both appear to be?

00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,300

You know, everyone thinks

that in order to do

00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,761

"South Park" we must be wild,

crazy rock 'n roll stars,

00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:36,347

but the truth is, we're just

wholesome middle-American guys.

00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,308

We enjoy soda pop, baseball,

and beating up old people

00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,768

just as much as anybody.

00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:47,149

So now sit back, relax, and

enjoy "Weight Gain 4000."

00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,789

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:03,791

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,501

♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,044

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:08,504

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,339

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,049

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,551

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor." ♪

00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,052

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,804

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,475

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,269

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,232

Hey, Stan, did you see that

rainbow this morning?

00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:29,817

Yeah, it was huge.

00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:31,694

Ugh, I hate those things.

00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,404

Nobody hates rainbows.

00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,614

Yeah, what's there to hate

about rainbows?

00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,701

Well, you know, you'll just

be sitting there

00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,704

minding your own business, and

they'll come marching in

00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,831

and crawl up your leg and

start biting

00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,166

the inside of your ass.

00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,168

And you'll be all like, "Hey,

00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:50,546

get out of my ass, you stupid

rainbows."

00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,008

Cartman, what the hell are

you talking about?

00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,926

I'm talking about rainbows.

00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,720

I hate those friggin' things.

00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,180

Rainbows are those arches of

color

00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:00,556

that show up during a

rainstorm.

00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:04,059

Oh, rainbows.

00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,227

Oh, yeah,

I like those.

00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,478

Those are cool.

00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,730

What were you talking about?

00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,815

Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.

00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,984

No, what marches in, crawls

up your leg...

00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,235

Nothing.

- And bites the inside

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,237

of your ass?

- Nothing.

00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,281

Children, children, remember

the Save Our Fragile Planet

00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,366

essay contest that you

children worked

00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,160

so hard on last month?

00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,831

One of our very own South Park

students has won

00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,249

the national prize.

00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,502

Wow, I knew I would win.

00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:33,130

Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure

is exciting.

00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,965

That's right, Mr. Hat.

00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,675

The winner of the national

Save Our Fragile Planet

00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,095

contest is...Eric Cartman.

00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,639

What?

- What?

00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,307

Congratulations, Eric, on

writing

00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,934

the award-winning paper.

00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,352

Kick ass.

00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,229

That's impossible.

00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,189

Cartman doesn't know a rain

forest from a Pop-Tart.

00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,524

Yeah, I do.

Pop-Tarts are frosted.

00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,610

Out of over a million papers,

00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,029

Eric's was chosen as the

grand prize winner.

00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,114

Wow, what did you write

about, Cartman?

00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,408

Oh, you know, this and

that.

00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535

He doesn't even know

what he wrote about.

00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,454

What was your paper about,

Wendy?

00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,832

My paper was on the suffering

of bottle-nosed dolphins.

00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,501

Well, you see, you shouldn't

have written

00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,961

a paper about dolphins.

00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,879

Dolphins are stupid.

00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,547

Dude, dolphins are, like, the

second-smartest animal

00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,632

on the planet.

00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,300

Oh, right.

00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,761

If they're so damn smart,

how come they get caught

00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,930

in those fishing nets all the

time?

00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,932

What?

- Wait, wait, there's more.

00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,726

It says here that Eric's

trophy

00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,272

will be presented to

him by...

00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,023

Kathie Lee Gifford?

00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,150

Kathie Lee is coming to South

Park?

00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:38,195

And the presentation will be

on national television.

00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,655

Television?

00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,157

Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,742

I don't believe it.

00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:47,329

Kathie Lee Gifford in South

Park.

00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,290

Oh, my God.

00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:52,209

This is our chance to make a

name for ourselves, to show

00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,753

that we're not some pissant,

white-bread mountain town.

00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,589

Better yet, it's a chance for

you to get some publicity.

00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,968

Yes, if I can show just how

much I've turned South Park

00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,304

around, I could become a

senator.

00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,222

Maybe even a state senator.

00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,641

Mayor, we should decorate the

town square.

00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,311

Then we should have the chef

of the school cafeteria sing

00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:13,314

a song and play up the ethnic

diversity of our town.

00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:14,523

That's right.

00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,150

He's a black guy, isn't he?

00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,068

Black as the night itself,

Mayor.

00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:21,238

Yes, and we can even have the

children of South Park

00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,614

put on a little play.

00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,616

Kathie Lee loves children.

00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,410

If they're working in a

sweatshop, that is.

00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,661

Oh!

- Ouch.

00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,663

Thank you.

00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,540

You guys, guess what.

00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:35,294

After I'm on television,

I'm gonna be totally famous.

00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,171

Hitler was famous too.

00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,297

Hello there, children.

00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,798

Hey, Chef.

00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,050

How are my little crackers

today?

00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,509

Good.

00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,219

Did y'all hear about the

news?

00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,888

Kathie Lee Gifford is

coming to South Park.

00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,306

Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated

and won

00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:48,891

the environmental essay

contest.

00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,517

Hey!

- Yeah, yeah, whatever.

00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,437

But the mayor just called and

asked me

00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,230

to sing at the ceremony.

00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:56,690

Wow, are you gonna do it?

00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692

Of course.

00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:02,363

Kathie Lee is a beautiful,

sultry queen of sexual fantasy.

00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:04,740

And if I sing to her, maybe I

can lure her into

00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,327

a night of exotic delectation.

00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,079

Yeah, that'd be cool.

00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:15,501

Well, three times bigger than

Frank Gifford's, anyway.

00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,087

Oh, I can't even concentrate

on grading papers

00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,797

with all this excitement.

00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,592

Why are you looking at me like

that, Mr. Hat?

00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,053

Have you forgotten about all

the pain and suffering

00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,097

that Kathie Lee Gifford caused

you?

00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,183

Mr. Hat, that was a long time

ago, and--

00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,893

and I was only a child.

00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,812

We could've won that

talent show.

00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,605

We could've been huge.

00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,065

Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.

00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,942

Who's there?

Orange.

00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,485

Orange who?

00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,862

Orange you glad

I didn't say banana?

00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,783

Thank you.

00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:52,121

Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we

might win.

00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:58,419

And now, our last talent show

finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.

00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,505

♪ If they could see me now,

that little gang of mine ♪

00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,924

♪ I'm eating fancy chow

and drinking fancy wine ♪

00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,468

♪ I'd like those stumble bums

to see for a fact ♪

00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,513

♪ The kind of top-drawer

first-rate chums I attract ♪

00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,182

♪ All I can say is wowee,

look at where I am ♪

00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,018

♪ Tonight I landed pow

right in a pot of jam ♪

00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:17,688

♪ What a setup, holy cow,

they'd never believe it ♪

00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,941

♪ If my friends

could see me now ♪

00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,616

It wasn't fair.

00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,368

She had choreography.

00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,245

How could we compete with that?

00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,497

But now she's coming to

South Park,

00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,791

and I know a way to

make it all better.

00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,209

How?

00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,462

No, Mr. Hat.

00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,380

I couldn't...

00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:47,426

kill Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,055

Children, as you all know,

00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:55,559

Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be

in South Park to present

00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,644

the award to some kid for an

essay.

00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,605

That kid is me.

- Whatever.

00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,858

Now, I'm going to have you

luscious little youngsters

00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,320

do a play about the history of

South Park.

00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:08,697

That'll be wonderful, won't

it, Mr. Hat?

00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,699

Kill her. Mr. Hat.

00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,952

Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you

to direct our little play.

00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,662

Oh, that's perfect.

00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,165

You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have

to kill her.

00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,917

We can just upstage her.

00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,376

Mrs. Mayor,

00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,920

you might want to

review the essays.

00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,796

We think Cartman might

have cheated.

00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,715

Who cares?

00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,470

Now, kids, what's say we give

it our South Park best?

00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,265

And who's

our little prizewinner again?

00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,059

Me, Eric Cartman.

00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,894

How about

we get in shape, huh?

00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,772

We want to look our best for

the TV cameras, don't we?

00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,148

Yes, ma'am.

00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,858

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,985

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,614

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,574

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,159

We don't believe for a

minute that you won that

00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,869

contest fairly, fat boy.

00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,996

Ugh, stop defending your

little girlfriend

00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,332

for writing about

some stupid fish.

00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,751

Dude, dolphins are

intelligent and friendly.

00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,337

Intelligent and friendly on

rye bread with some mayonnaise.

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,172

Dolphins are way smarter

than you.

00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,883

If they're so smart, why do

they live in igloos?

00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,218

Dolphins don't live in

igloos.

00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,511

That's Eskimos.

00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,221

Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?

00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,890

It's all a bunch of

tree-hugging hippie crap.

00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,141

Tell me what you wrote

about.

00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:19,518

I can't.

00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:20,894

I have to go home and get

in shape.

00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,354

Yeah, right.

00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,855

You'll go and sit in front

of the TV

00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,399

and eat Cheesy Poofs,

ass-master.

00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,025

Screw you, hippie.

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,738

We'll be right back to

"Jesus and Pals" after this.

00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,074

Hey, do you need to get in

shape fast?

00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,867

Wanna look your best?

00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,619

Tired of the other guys

getting all the chicks?

00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,204

Are you tired of

being a 90-pound weakling?

00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,373

Yeah, I only weigh 90

pounds.

00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,585

Then bulk up quick with

Weight Gain 4000.

00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,420

Yes.

- Over 4,000 grams

00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130

of saturated fat per serving,

00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048

its patented formula is

designed

00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,551

to enter the mouth and go

directly to the stomach,

00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,636

where it is distributed to the

bloodstream.

00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,555

Now available at stores

everywhere.

00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,224

Get some today, and say it

with me, "Beefcake."

00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,601

Beefcake.

- Beefcake!

00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:01,810

Beefcake!

- Beefcake!

00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,812

Beefcake!

00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,439

May cause irreversible damage

to the kidneys and liver.

00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:09,026

Mom, can you get me some

Weight Gain 4000?

00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,404

Okay, Eric, I'll get you some

at the store tomorrow.

00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,532

But, Mom, I need it for

tomorrow.

00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,493

But tomorrow is

grocery day, Eric.

00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,330

Mom.

00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,206

Okay, okay.

00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,917

Well, I guess I'll be going

to the store now, then.

00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,131

♪ If they could see me now,

that little gang of mine ♪

00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,257

♪ I'm eating fancy chow

and drinking... ♪

00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,925

No! No!

00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845

Kill her.

00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,056

No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.

00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,726

Kill.

00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,353

That does it.

00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,814

You're going in the

dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.

00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,525

She'll make a fool

of you again.

00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,070

Well, you can just stay in that

drawer, negative Nancy.

00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,780

Hey, dudes.

00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,448

What the hell is wrong with

you, Cartman?

00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,699

Haven't you noticed the

three feet of snow

00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,660

on the ground?

00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,745

Listen, I have a nice body,

and I want to show it off.

00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,330

You got that?

00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,123

What?

You've got to weigh 90 pounds.

00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,459

I'm up to 94, thank

you very much.

00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,463

Yeah, they're almost as big

as his mom's.

00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,466

Laugh all you want.

00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,968

I'll the one who's gonna be on

TV looking all buff.

00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,596

What's that stuff?

- Weight Gain 4000.

00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,181

It's helping me bulk up.

00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,974

Bulk up to what, fat-ass?

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,643

Super fat-ass?

00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,395

Hey, I don't have to take

that kind of crap

00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,773

from you scrawny weaklings.

00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,360

Sweet, check me out.

00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,738

I'm such a beefcake I can't

get through the door.

00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,323

Come on, people.

00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,325

We've got to turn

this place around.

00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,994

Hang up the lights, string up

the banners,

00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,663

castrate the cows.

00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,960

Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the

little play going?

00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628

Huh? Oh, fine.

00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,088

We were just about to

run it from the top.

00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,548

Oh, please do.

00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550

I'm dying to see it.

00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,095

Okay, all the little pioneers

on this side of the stage.

00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,972

Good, and all the little

Indians

00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,640

go to the center of the stage.

00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,101

Am I an Indian or a pioneer?

00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,561

Do you have a feather on your

head?

00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,521

Yes.

- Then you're an Indian.

00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:10,772

Oh.

00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,649

Okay, Bebe, this is your line.

00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,194

This is the story

of South Park.

00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,322

It begins over 100 years ago

00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:24,327

when the noble and hearty Ute

Indians lived on the land.

00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,542

Oh, don't they look adorable?

00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:34,629

Then from the East came the

great white pioneers.

00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:38,884

Ahh!

00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470

Oh, my God.

00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,305

They did it

a lot better this morning.

00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,848

They had more energy.

00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,642

The pioneers met with the

Indians

00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:51,938

and negotiated for

their fertile lands.

00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,524

Mr. Garrison, we cannot have

our children

00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,402

beating each other senseless

in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,987

Well, what do you want?

00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,572

This is how it happened

in those days.

00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,949

Take that, you stupid Indian.

- Ohh.

00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:06,328

Mr. Garrison, this is not

appropriate.

00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,247

Do you actually think that

Kathie Lee Gifford

00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,791

would enjoy this?

00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,542

To hell with Kathie

Lee Gifford.

00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,047

Oh, my God. What have I said?

00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,008

He said, "To hell with Kathie

Lee Gifford."

00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:25,764

Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing

you from directing our play.

00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:30,143

It happened again, didn't it?

00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,271

Now we do things my way.

00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,316

I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.

00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,985

You're gonna have to do it.

00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,244

Whoa, Cartman, talk

about wide load.

00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,121

Yeah, I'm really starting to

fill out nicely.

00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,832

You're not filling out

nicely.

00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,124

You're fatter than ever.

00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,209

I'm not fat.

00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,961

I'm getting in shape.

00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,796

Cartman, you're such a

fat-ass that when you walk

00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,798

down the street, people go,

"God damn it.

00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,424

That's a big fat-ass."

00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,802

No, they don't, you

jealous weakling.

00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,513

God damn,

that's a big fat-ass.

00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,139

Hey!

00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,892

Hi, guys.

- Oh, look, another hippie.

00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,853

Peace, Wendy.

- Shut up, Cartman.

00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:14,604

Oh.

00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,356

♪ Two little hippies

sitting in a tree ♪

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316

I'm gonna find Cartman's

paper

00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,735

and get to the bottom of this.

00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,613

Can I help you?

00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,906

Yes.

00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,700

I need a gun.

00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,327

Would this be for hunting or

protection or other?

00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,996

Other.

- Alrighty then.

00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,748

May I suggest a Stratford

12-millimeter?

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,500

Go ahead.

Try it on.

00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,752

That looks really nice on you.

00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,171

The lacquered black

really matches your eyes.

00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,673

You talking to me?

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675

You talking to me?

00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,635

I don't know,

it's a little small.

00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,929

Okay.

How about this?

00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,514

You talking to me?

00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,641

Hmm, no, I don't like this one

either.

00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,269

Here's the same gun

with a wood finish.

00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,729

You talking to me?

00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,522

I don't see anybody else

around here,

00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,025

so you

must be talking to me.

00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,443

I'll take it.

00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,445

Hello?

00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,631

"My essay,

by Eric Cartman.

00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,758

"When I wrote the following

pages,

00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,426

"or rather the bulk of them,

00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,095

I lived alone in the

woods on the shore of..."

00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,685

Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old

Kathie Lee really will be

00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,646

surprised when she gets here

tomorrow.

00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,982

She beat us in the talent

show all those years ago.

00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,401

And I think we owe her for

that.

00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,986

Ba-bang!

00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,112

Oh, my God.

00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,539

Howdy, Mr. Garrison.

Nice gun.

00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,041

Thank you.

00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,126

Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.

00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,670

Thanks.

00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,088

Hello, Officer Barbrady.

00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,923

Nice gun.

- Thanks.

00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,633

Is there somewhere in town

where I can get a good,

00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,718

clear shot--or a view of Kathie

Lee?

00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:12,180

Hmm, you know, I think the

book depository

00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,932

would be a good bet.

00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,270

Yes, that might do quite

nicely.

00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,855

Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,148

No problem.

00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,275

Ha! Caught you red-handed!

00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,528

No pictures of Kathie Lee.

00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,531

Where is she?

00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,450

This is sweet.

00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,495

Camera crews are setting up,

and I'm looking totally ripped.

00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,664

Beefcake. Beefcake!

00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,915

I don't think they're gonna

be able to get

00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,375

all of you in frame, Cartman.

00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,168

You guys, we have to stop

him.

00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,337

Stop who?

- Mr. Garrison.

00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,507

He's going to try to

kill Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,050

Oh, no, you don't.

00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,885

You're not gonna ruin my

moment of fame.

00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,929

He's got a gun.

00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,557

You gotta get over this whole

jealousy thing, all right?

00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,267

Seriously, just face it.

00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,394

I wrote a better

paper than you.

00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,188

It just so happens that I

have your paper,

00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,024

and I know why you won.

00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,734

There's something more

important right now.

00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,277

Let's go.

00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,237

Wendy, you've got to

prioritize.

00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,114

What's more important, being

on TV

00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,991

or some stupid assassination?

00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,119

Stan, I can't

do it alone.

00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,370

Please?

00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,247

Uh-oh, we're losing him.

00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,999

Here she comes.

00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,467

Damn, I guess I'm not the

only person in America

00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,635

who's thought of

killing Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,430

We love you, Kathie Lee.

00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,307

I love you too.

00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,685

Come on, you little bitch.

00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,395

You've got to come out of your

precious bubble

00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,397

sooner or later, missy.

00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,109

It is with great pride and

honor that I'd like to welcome

00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,072

Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to

South Park.

00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:58,203

And now our very own

South Park Elementary chef

00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:02,499

will sing a special song in

honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.

00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,210

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:09,214

You know, Kathie Lee, you are

a very special woman.

00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,175

I don't mean special in a Mary

Tyler Moore way

00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,971

or special in an extra-value

meal at Happy Burger way.

00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,556

No, no, no, no, no.

00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,350

I mean special,

00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,852

like the song of the

hummingbird as it gets ready

00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,814

to find that female

hummingbird

00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,608

and make sweet love to it all

night long.

00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,278

Just two hummingbirds moaning

and groaning and

00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,030

letting their bodies caress

00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,991

and touch each other in

ecstasy.

00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,410

♪ Oh Kathie Lee ♪

00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,747

♪ How I'd love

to lay you down ♪

00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:45,959

♪ And lick every inch

of your body ♪

00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,418

♪ With my tongue ♪

00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,212

What?

00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,464

♪ Kathie Lee

you're my sexual fantasy ♪

00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,592

What?

♪ How about you and me ♪

00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,386

Thank you, Chef,

for that heartwarming song.

00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,139

♪ Get it together

and make sweet love? ♪

00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,265

Thank you, Chef.

00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,850

Oh, oh.

00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,061

God bless you, Kathie Lee.

00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,729

Officer Barbrady,

00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,356

Mr. Garrison is about to kill

Kathie Lee.

00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,024

We have to find him.

00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,152

What?

You mean the teacher?

00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,154

Wait a minute.

00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,489

Is there somewhere in town

where I can get a good, clear

00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,700

shot--

or a view of Kathie Lee?

00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,661

Hmm, you know, I think the

book depository

00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,580

would be a good bet.

00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,207

I think the book depository

would be a good bet.

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,586

Book depository, depository,

book depository, depository.

00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,462

Damn, he could be anywhere.

00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,423

I'll send out an APB.

00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,674

Wendy, look.

00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,095

And now, here to

present the award

00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:43,224

for the environmental essay to

our own Eric Kaufman...

00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,101

Cartman, God damn it.

00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:48,146

Is your favorite celebrity

and mine,

00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,649

Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,447

Thank you.

I love you all.

00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,532

Mr. Garrison, stop.

00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,075

Leave us.

00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,077

We must finish what

we have begun.

00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,079

I know that she's hurt you.

00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,497

She's hurt a lot of people.

00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,124

You can't know.

00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,501

You should've won

that talent show.

00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,296

It is with a great honor and

pride that I present

00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,173

the winner this trophy.

00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,258

Eric, would you please come

up here?

00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,887

Here it is, my big

moment of fame.

00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,514

And then she finished it

all by throwing her voice

00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,433

with two dummies at once.

00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,228

I know that, Mr. Garrison,

but this isn't the answer.

00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,814

It is too late for

me, young Wendy.

00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,277

You see, I've learned

something today.

00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,196

You can't win all the time.

00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,907

And if you don't win, you

certainly can't hold it against

00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:44,035

the person who did, because

that's the only way

00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,912

you ever really lose.

00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,331

You're...you're right.

00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,458

Good.

00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,419

Man, did she really throw her

voice with two dummies at once?

00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,046

The bitch must die.

00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,716

Ahh!

00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,141

Oh, my God.

They killed Kenny.

00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,102

You bastard.

00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:10,687

Gun!

- Gun!

00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,397

Hey, come back.

00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,982

We didn't even get to do

our play.

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,817

Aww.

00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,568

I guess that's it, guys.

Wrap it up.

00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,737

Hey, wait a minute.

00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,698

When do I get to be on

television?

00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,032

Forget it, kid.

00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,742

No Kathie Lee, no

public interest.

00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:28,329

But I won the environmental

essay contest.

00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,957

You don't

deserve to win, Cartman,

00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,625

and you know it.

00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,378

I'm holding Cartman's

award-winning paper.

00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,797

It's actually nothing more

than "Walden"

00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,008

with Henry David Thoreau's

name crossed out

00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,468

and Cartman's

name written in its place.

00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,970

Who cares?

00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,763

Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's

gone.

00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,057

What about not holding

anything against

00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,350

the person who wins?

00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,894

Well, not if it's Cartman.

00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,397

Hey, where are you all going?

00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,108

They don't even know what

"Walden" is.

00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:01,029

I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom

you'd all know what it was.

00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,780

Come on, Wendy.

00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:04,198

Kyle's mom will make us

tuna fish sandwiches.

00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,700

Oh, what the hell.

00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,578

No, no.

00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:11,539

Now I'll be stuck in

this Podunk town forever

00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:14,834

with all these stupid, hick,

redneck, jobless,

00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,836

truck-driving idiots.

00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464

Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.

00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:22,133

Thought you could get

away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?

00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,634

Well, I would have gotten

away with it

00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,470

if it weren't

for those meddling kids.

00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:27,388

You're lucky you missed

Kathie Lee Gifford

00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,932

and that nobody got hurt.

00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,520

We hope you can come

back to school real soon,

00:22:34,645 --> 00:22:36,356

Mr. Garrison.

00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:37,857

Well, children, I'd love to,

but the doctors say

00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,859

that Mr. Hat needs more

therapy.

00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,236

We can still get her.

00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,114

I'm just so sorry that I ruined

everyone's chances

00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574

for being on TV.

00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:47,784

Not Cartman.

00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:49,285

He gets to be on TV anyway.

00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,037

Really? On what?

00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:55,124

Obesity, adiposity,

corpulence.

00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:58,252

Whatever word you use, it

represents one thing:

00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,171

being a big fat-ass.

00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,924

We have with us today live via

satellite Eric Cartman

00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,884

from South Park,

00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,304

who is now so obese, he can't

even get out of his house.

00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,598

When is this gonna be on the

air?

00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,976

Is there anything you'd like

to say to people out there?

00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,020

Follow your dreams.

00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,939

You can reach your goals.

00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,524

I'm living proof.

00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,692

Beefcake. Beefcake!

00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,195

He needs to run his ass

around the block a few times.

00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,490

Mmm, how about a little more

of that good loving, Chef?

00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,158

Damn, woman.

00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,035

I just gave you sweet

loving five minutes ago.

00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,912

You trying to kill me?

00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,843

Central's "South Park, " Matt

Stone and Trey Parker.

00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:14,765

[light quirky music]

00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,892

Oh, hello.

I'm Trey Parker.

00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,227

And I'm Matt Stone.

00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,478

And this here is old Scratch.

00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,480

Say hi, old fella.

00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:24,483

This episode of "South Park" is

called "Weight Gain 4000,"

00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,777

and it's by far our favorite

episode.

00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,739

It's all about Kathie Lee

Gifford coming to "South Park"

00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:34,035

and Eric Cartman trying to beef

himself up for the big day.

00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,328

Exactly how much weight does

Eric Cartman gain

00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,955

in this episode?

00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,623

Well, after Eric Cartman

starts eating

00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:42,126

the Weight Gain 4000,

he gains 700 pounds.

00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:44,336

That makes him almost as heavy

as Sally Struthers.

00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:47,798

Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever

offended you in some fashion?

00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,384

Was she flattered by her

depiction here?

00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,886

Well, we don't really care,

00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,012

because Kathie Lee Gifford is

a--

00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,014

Very wonderful woman.

00:00:55,139 --> 00:00:59,894

Both Trey and I really, really

respect her work with Regis.

00:01:00,019 --> 00:01:01,395

Guns and bullets seem to be

00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,980

a recurring theme in "South

Park."

00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,983

Have either of you ever killed

anyone?

00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:11,030

I would never kill somebody,

unless they pissed me off.

00:01:11,155 --> 00:01:12,823

Guys, why do you keep killing

off poor Kenny?

00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,700

What did he ever do to you?

00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,912

Well, Kenny is definitely our

favorite character.

00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,914

And even though he is our

favorite character,

00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,707

we feel we have to kill him in

every episode,

00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,542

and this one of our favorite

deaths in this one.

00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,045

How does someone create a

show like "South Park"

00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,588

and remain as pure and

wholesome

00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,423

as you both appear to be?

00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,300

You know, everyone thinks

that in order to do

00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,761

"South Park" we must be wild,

crazy rock 'n roll stars,

00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:36,347

but the truth is, we're just

wholesome middle-American guys.

00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:39,308

We enjoy soda pop, baseball,

and beating up old people

00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,768

just as much as anybody.

00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:47,149

So now sit back, relax, and

enjoy "Weight Gain 4000."

00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,361

♪♪

00:01:57,243 --> 00:02:00,287

[twangy music]

00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,789

♪ I'm going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:03,791

♪ Gonna have

myself a time ♪

00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,501

all: ♪ Friendly faces

everywhere ♪

00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,044

♪ Humble folks

without temptation ♪

00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:08,504

♪ Going down

to South Park ♪

00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,339

♪ Gonna leave my

woes behind ♪

00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,049

♪ Ample parking

day or night ♪

00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,551

♪ People spouting:

"Howdy neighbor." ♪

00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,052

♪ Headed on up

to South Park ♪

00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,804

♪ Gonna see if

I can't unwind ♪

00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:19,974

[singing indistinctly]

00:02:20,099 --> 00:02:21,475

♪ So come on down

to South Park ♪

00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,269

♪ And meet some

friends of mine ♪

00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,232

Hey, Stan, did you see that

rainbow this morning?

00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:29,817

Yeah, it was huge.

00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:31,694

Ugh, I hate those things.

00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,404

Nobody hates rainbows.

00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,614

Yeah, what's there to hate

about rainbows?

00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,701

Well, you know, you'll just

be sitting there

00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,704

minding your own business, and

they'll come marching in

00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,831

and crawl up your leg and

start biting

00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,166

the inside of your ass.

00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,168

And you'll be all like, "Hey,

00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:50,546

get out of my ass, you stupid

rainbows."

00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,008

Cartman, what the hell are

you talking about?

00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,926

I'm talking about rainbows.

00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,720

I hate those friggin' things.

00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,180

Rainbows are those arches of

color

00:02:59,305 --> 00:03:00,556

that show up during a

rainstorm.

00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:04,059

Oh, rainbows.

00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,227

Oh, yeah,

I like those.

00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,478

Those are cool.

00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,730

What were you talking about?

00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,815

Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.

00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,984

No, what marches in, crawls

up your leg...

00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,235

Nothing.

- And bites the inside

00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,237

of your ass?

- Nothing.

00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,281

Children, children, remember

the Save Our Fragile Planet

00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,366

essay contest that you

children worked

00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,160

so hard on last month?

00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,831

One of our very own South Park

students has won

00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,249

the national prize.

00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:28,417

[all gasp]

00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,502

Wow, I knew I would win.

00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:33,130

Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure

is exciting.

00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,965

That's right, Mr. Hat.

00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,675

The winner of the national

Save Our Fragile Planet

00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,095

contest is...Eric Cartman.

00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:41,639

What?

- What?

00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,307

Congratulations, Eric, on

writing

00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,934

the award-winning paper.

00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,352

Kick ass.

00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,229

That's impossible.

00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,189

Cartman doesn't know a rain

forest from a Pop-Tart.

00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:52,524

Yeah, I do.

Pop-Tarts are frosted.

00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:54,610

Out of over a million papers,

00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:57,029

Eric's was chosen as the

grand prize winner.

00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,114

Wow, what did you write

about, Cartman?

00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,408

Oh, you know, this and

that.

00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,535

He doesn't even know

what he wrote about.

00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,454

What was your paper about,

Wendy?

00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,832

My paper was on the suffering

of bottle-nosed dolphins.

00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,501

Well, you see, you shouldn't

have written

00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,961

a paper about dolphins.

00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,879

Dolphins are stupid.

00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:15,547

Dude, dolphins are, like, the

second-smartest animal

00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,632

on the planet.

00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,300

[scoffs] Oh, right.

00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,761

If they're so damn smart,

how come they get caught

00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,930

in those fishing nets all the

time?

00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,932

What?

- Wait, wait, there's more.

00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,726

It says here that Eric's

trophy

00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,272

will be presented to

him by...

00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,023

Kathie Lee Gifford?

00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,150

Kathie Lee is coming to South

Park?

00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:38,195

And the presentation will be

on national television.

00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,655

both: Television?

00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,157

Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,742

I don't believe it.

00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:47,329

Kathie Lee Gifford in South

Park.

00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,290

Oh, my God.

00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:52,209

This is our chance to make a

name for ourselves, to show

00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,753

that we're not some pissant,

white-bread mountain town.

00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,589

Better yet, it's a chance for

you to get some publicity.

00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,968

Yes, if I can show just how

much I've turned South Park

00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,304

around, I could become a

senator.

00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,222

Maybe even a state senator.

00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,641

Mayor, we should decorate the

town square.

00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,311

Then we should have the chef

of the school cafeteria sing

00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:13,314

a song and play up the ethnic

diversity of our town.

00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:14,523

That's right.

00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,150

He's a black guy, isn't he?

00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,068

Black as the night itself,

Mayor.

00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:21,238

Yes, and we can even have the

children of South Park

00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,614

put on a little play.

00:05:22,740 --> 00:05:24,616

Kathie Lee loves children.

00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,410

If they're working in a

sweatshop, that is.

00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,661

Oh!

- Ouch.

00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,663

[laughs]

- Thank you.

00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,540

You guys, guess what.

00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:35,294

After I'm on television,

I'm gonna be totally famous.

00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:37,171

Hitler was famous too.

00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,297

Hello there, children.

00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,798

both: Hey, Chef.

00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,050

How are my little crackers

today?

00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,509

Good.

00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,219

Did y'all hear about the

news?

00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,888

Kathie Lee Gifford is

coming to South Park.

00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,306

Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated

and won

00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:48,891

the environmental essay

contest.

00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,517

Hey!

- Yeah, yeah, whatever.

00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,437

But the mayor just called and

asked me

00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,230

to sing at the ceremony.

00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:56,690

Wow, are you gonna do it?

00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692

Of course.

00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:02,363

Kathie Lee is a beautiful,

sultry queen of sexual fantasy.

00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:04,740

And if I sing to her, maybe I

can lure her into

00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,327

a night of exotic delectation.

00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,079

Yeah, that'd be cool.

00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,955

[mumbling indistinctly]

00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:15,501

Well, three times bigger than

Frank Gifford's, anyway.

00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,087

Oh, I can't even concentrate

on grading papers

00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,797

with all this excitement.

00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,592

Why are you looking at me like

that, Mr. Hat?

00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,053

Have you forgotten about all

the pain and suffering

00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,097

that Kathie Lee Gifford caused

you?

00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,183

Mr. Hat, that was a long time

ago, and--

00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,893

and I was only a child.

00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:34,812

We could've won that

talent show.

00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,605

We could've been huge.

00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,065

Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.

00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,942

Who's there?

Orange.

00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,485

Orange who?

00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,862

Orange you glad

I didn't say banana?

00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,783

Thank you.

00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:52,121

Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we

might win.

00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:58,419

And now, our last talent show

finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.

00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,505

♪ If they could see me now,

that little gang of mine ♪

00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,924

♪ I'm eating fancy chow

and drinking fancy wine ♪

00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,468

♪ I'd like those stumble bums

to see for a fact ♪

00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,513

♪ The kind of top-drawer

first-rate chums I attract ♪

00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,182

♪ All I can say is wowee,

look at where I am ♪

00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,018

♪ Tonight I landed pow

right in a pot of jam ♪

00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:17,688

♪ What a setup, holy cow,

they'd never believe it ♪

00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,941

♪ If my friends

could see me now ♪

00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,443

[fireworks booming]

00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:24,403

[cheers and applause]

00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,616

It wasn't fair.

00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,368

She had choreography.

00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,245

How could we compete with that?

00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,497

But now she's coming to

South Park,

00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,791

and I know a way to

make it all better.

00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,209

How?

[gasps]

00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,462

No, Mr. Hat.

00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,380

I couldn't...

00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:47,426

kill Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,055

Children, as you all know,

00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:55,559

Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be

in South Park to present

00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,644

the award to some kid for an

essay.

00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,605

That kid is me.

- Whatever.

00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,858

Now, I'm going to have you

luscious little youngsters

00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,320

do a play about the history of

South Park.

00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:08,697

That'll be wonderful, won't

it, Mr. Hat?

00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,699

Kill her. Mr. Hat.

00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,952

Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you

to direct our little play.

00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,662

Oh, that's perfect.

00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,165

You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have

to kill her.

00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,917

We can just upstage her.

00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,376

Mrs. Mayor,

00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:22,920

you might want to

review the essays.

00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,796

We think Cartman might

have cheated.

00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:26,715

Who cares?

00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,470

Now, kids, what's say we give

it our South Park best?

00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:35,265

And who's

our little prizewinner again?

00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,059

Me, Eric Cartman.

00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,894

How about

we get in shape, huh?

00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,772

We want to look our best for

the TV cameras, don't we?

00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,148

Yes, ma'am.

00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,858

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,985

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,614

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,574

♪ I'm gonna be on television ♪

00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,159

We don't believe for a

minute that you won that

00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,869

contest fairly, fat boy.

00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,996

Ugh, stop defending your

little girlfriend

00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,332

for writing about

some stupid fish.

00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,751

Dude, dolphins are

intelligent and friendly.

00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,337

Intelligent and friendly on

rye bread with some mayonnaise.

00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,172

Dolphins are way smarter

than you.

00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,883

If they're so smart, why do

they live in igloos?

00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,218

Dolphins don't live in

igloos.

00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,511

That's Eskimos.

00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,221

Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?

00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,890

It's all a bunch of

tree-hugging hippie crap.

00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,141

Tell me what you wrote

about.

00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:19,518

I can't.

00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:20,894

I have to go home and get

in shape.

00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,354

Yeah, right.

00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,855

You'll go and sit in front

of the TV

00:09:23,981 --> 00:09:25,399

and eat Cheesy Poofs,

ass-master.

00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,025

Screw you, hippie.

00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,738

We'll be right back to

"Jesus and Pals" after this.

00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,074

Hey, do you need to get in

shape fast?

00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,867

Wanna look your best?

00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,619

Tired of the other guys

getting all the chicks?

00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,204

Are you tired of

being a 90-pound weakling?

00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,373

Yeah, I only weigh 90

pounds.

00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,585

Then bulk up quick with

Weight Gain 4000.

00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:46,420

Yes.

- Over 4,000 grams

00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,130

of saturated fat per serving,

00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048

its patented formula is

designed

00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,551

to enter the mouth and go

directly to the stomach,

00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,636

where it is distributed to the

bloodstream.

00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,555

Now available at stores

everywhere.

00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,224

Get some today, and say it

with me, "Beefcake."

00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,601

Beefcake.

- Beefcake!

00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:01,810

Beefcake!

- Beefcake!

00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,812

Beefcake!

00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,439

May cause irreversible damage

to the kidneys and liver.

00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:09,026

Mom, can you get me some

Weight Gain 4000?

00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:12,404

Okay, Eric, I'll get you some

at the store tomorrow.

00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:15,532

But, Mom, I need it for

tomorrow.

00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,493

But tomorrow is

grocery day, Eric.

00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,330

Mom.

[whining]

00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,206

Okay, okay.

00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,917

Well, I guess I'll be going

to the store now, then.

00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,131

♪ If they could see me now,

that little gang of mine ♪

00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,257

♪ I'm eating fancy chow

and drinking... ♪

00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,925

No! No!

00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,845

Kill her.

00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,056

No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.

00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:42,726

Kill.

00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,353

That does it.

00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,814

You're going in the

dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.

00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,525

She'll make a fool

of you again.

00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:53,070

Well, you can just stay in that

drawer, negative Nancy.

00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,780

Hey, dudes.

00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,448

What the hell is wrong with

you, Cartman?

00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,699

Haven't you noticed the

three feet of snow

00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,660

on the ground?

00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:01,745

Listen, I have a nice body,

and I want to show it off.

00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,330

You got that?

00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,123

What?

You've got to weigh 90 pounds.

00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,459

I'm up to 94, thank

you very much.

00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,211

[mumbling indistinctly]

00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,463

Yeah, they're almost as big

as his mom's.

00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:12,631

[laughter]

00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,466

Laugh all you want.

00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,968

I'll the one who's gonna be on

TV looking all buff.

00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,596

What's that stuff?

- Weight Gain 4000.

00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,181

It's helping me bulk up.

00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,974

Bulk up to what, fat-ass?

00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,643

Super fat-ass?

00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,395

Hey, I don't have to take

that kind of crap

00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,773

from you scrawny weaklings.

00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,525

[grunting]

00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,360

Sweet, check me out.

00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,738

I'm such a beefcake I can't

get through the door.

00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,323

Come on, people.

00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,325

We've got to turn

this place around.

00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,994

Hang up the lights, string up

the banners,

00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,663

castrate the cows.

00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:46,456

[cows mooing]

00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,960

Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the

little play going?

00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,628

Huh? Oh, fine.

00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,088

We were just about to

run it from the top.

00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,548

Oh, please do.

00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,550

I'm dying to see it.

00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,095

Okay, all the little pioneers

on this side of the stage.

00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,972

Good, and all the little

Indians

00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,640

go to the center of the stage.

00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,101

Am I an Indian or a pioneer?

00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,561

Do you have a feather on your

head?

00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,521

Yes.

- Then you're an Indian.

00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:10,772

Oh.

00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,649

Okay, Bebe, this is your line.

00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,194

This is the story

of South Park.

00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,322

It begins over 100 years ago

00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:24,327

when the noble and hearty Ute

Indians lived on the land.

00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:27,873

[drums thumping]

00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,542

Oh, don't they look adorable?

00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:34,629

Then from the East came the

great white pioneers.

00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:38,884

[together]

Ahh!

00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,470

Oh, my God.

00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,305

They did it

a lot better this morning.

00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,848

They had more energy.

00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,642

The pioneers met with the

Indians

00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:51,938

and negotiated for

their fertile lands.

00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,524

Mr. Garrison, we cannot have

our children

00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:57,402

beating each other senseless

in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,987

Well, what do you want?

00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,572

This is how it happened

in those days.

00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,949

Take that, you stupid Indian.

- Ohh.

00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:06,328

Mr. Garrison, this is not

appropriate.

00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,247

Do you actually think that

Kathie Lee Gifford

00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,791

would enjoy this?

00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,542

To hell with Kathie

Lee Gifford.

00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,669

[all gasp]

00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:17,047

[gasps]

Oh, my God. What have I said?

00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,008

He said, "To hell with Kathie

Lee Gifford."

00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:25,764

Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing

you from directing our play.

00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,974

[crickets chirping]

00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:30,143

It happened again, didn't it?

00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,271

Now we do things my way.

00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,316

I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.

00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,985

You're gonna have to do it.

00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:41,822

[cackling]

00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,244

Whoa, Cartman, talk

about wide load.

00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,121

Yeah, I'm really starting to

fill out nicely.

00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,832

You're not filling out

nicely.

00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,124

You're fatter than ever.

00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:54,209

I'm not fat.

00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,961

I'm getting in shape.

00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,796

Cartman, you're such a

fat-ass that when you walk

00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,798

down the street, people go,

"God damn it.

00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,424

That's a big fat-ass."

00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,802

No, they don't, you

jealous weakling.

00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,513

God damn,

that's a big fat-ass.

00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,139

Hey!

00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,892

Hi, guys.

- Oh, look, another hippie.

00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,853

Peace, Wendy.

- Shut up, Cartman.

00:14:12,978 --> 00:14:14,604

Oh.

00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,356

♪ Two little hippies

sitting in a tree ♪

00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,316

I'm gonna find Cartman's

paper

00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,735

and get to the bottom of this.

00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:23,613

Can I help you?

00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,906

Yes.

00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,700

I need a gun.

00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,327

Would this be for hunting or

protection or other?

00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,996

Other.

- Alrighty then.

00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,748

May I suggest a Stratford

12-millimeter?

00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,500

Go ahead.

Try it on.

00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,752

That looks really nice on you.

00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:40,171

The lacquered black

really matches your eyes.

00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,673

You talking to me?

00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,675

You talking to me?

00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,635

I don't know,

it's a little small.

00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,929

Okay.

How about this?

00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,514

You talking to me?

00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,641

Hmm, no, I don't like this one

either.

00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,269

Here's the same gun

with a wood finish.

00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,729

You talking to me?

00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,522

I don't see anybody else

around here,

00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,025

so you

must be talking to me.

00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,443

I'll take it.

00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,445

Hello?

00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,631

"My essay,

by Eric Cartman.

00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,758

"When I wrote the following

pages,

00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,426

"or rather the bulk of them,

00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,095

I lived alone in the

woods on the shore of..."

00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,932

[door clicks open]

00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,685

Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old

Kathie Lee really will be

00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,646

surprised when she gets here

tomorrow.

00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:40,982

She beat us in the talent

show all those years ago.

00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,401

And I think we owe her for

that.

00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:44,986

Ba-bang!

00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,112

Oh, my God.

00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,660

[upbeat twangy music]

00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,412

♪♪

00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,539

Howdy, Mr. Garrison.

Nice gun.

00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,041

Thank you.

00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,126

Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.

00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,670

Thanks.

00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,088

Hello, Officer Barbrady.

00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,923

Nice gun.

- Thanks.

00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:06,633

Is there somewhere in town

where I can get a good,

00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,718

clear shot--or a view of Kathie

Lee?

00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:12,180

Hmm, you know, I think the

book depository

00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,932

would be a good bet.

00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:16,601

[dramatic music]

00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,270

Yes, that might do quite

nicely.

00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:20,855

Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,148

No problem.

00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,275

Ha! Caught you red-handed!

00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,528

No pictures of Kathie Lee.

00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,531

Where is she?

00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,450

This is sweet.

00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,495

Camera crews are setting up,

and I'm looking totally ripped.

00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,664

Beefcake. Beefcake!

00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,915

I don't think they're gonna

be able to get

00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,375

all of you in frame, Cartman.

00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,168

You guys, we have to stop

him.

00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,337

Stop who?

- Mr. Garrison.

00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,507

He's going to try to

kill Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,050

Oh, no, you don't.

00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,885

You're not gonna ruin my

moment of fame.

00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,929

He's got a gun.

00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,557

You gotta get over this whole

jealousy thing, all right?

00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,267

Seriously, just face it.

00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,394

I wrote a better

paper than you.

00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,188

It just so happens that I

have your paper,

00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,024

and I know why you won.

00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,734

There's something more

important right now.

00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,277

Let's go.

00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,237

Wendy, you've got to

prioritize.

00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,114

What's more important, being

on TV

00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,991

or some stupid assassination?

00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:16,119

Stan, I can't

do it alone.

00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,370

Please?

00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,247

Uh-oh, we're losing him.

00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,999

Here she comes.

00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:24,002

[upbeat music]

00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:28,339

♪♪

00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:30,467

Damn, I guess I'm not the

only person in America

00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,635

who's thought of

killing Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,430

We love you, Kathie Lee.

00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,307

I love you too.

00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,685

Come on, you little bitch.

00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,395

You've got to come out of your

precious bubble

00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,397

sooner or later, missy.

00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,109

It is with great pride and

honor that I'd like to welcome

00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:52,072

Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to

South Park.

00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,491

[cheers and applause]

00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:58,203

And now our very own

South Park Elementary chef

00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:02,499

will sing a special song in

honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.

00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,210

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:09,214

You know, Kathie Lee, you are

a very special woman.

00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,175

I don't mean special in a Mary

Tyler Moore way

00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:16,971

or special in an extra-value

meal at Happy Burger way.

00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,556

No, no, no, no, no.

00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,350

I mean special,

00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,852

like the song of the

hummingbird as it gets ready

00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,814

to find that female

hummingbird

00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,608

and make sweet love to it all

night long.

00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,278

Just two hummingbirds moaning

and groaning and

00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,030

letting their bodies caress

00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,991

and touch each other in

ecstasy.

00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,410

♪ Oh Kathie Lee ♪

00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,747

♪ How I'd love

to lay you down ♪

00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:45,959

♪ And lick every inch

of your body ♪

00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,418

♪ With my tongue ♪

00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,212

What?

00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,464

♪ Kathie Lee

you're my sexual fantasy ♪

00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,592

What?

♪ How about you and me ♪

00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,386

Thank you, Chef,

for that heartwarming song.

00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,139

♪ Get it together

and make sweet love? ♪

00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,265

Thank you, Chef.

00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,850

Oh, oh.

00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:05,061

God bless you, Kathie Lee.

00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,729

Officer Barbrady,

00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,356

Mr. Garrison is about to kill

Kathie Lee.

00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,024

We have to find him.

00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,152

What?

You mean the teacher?

00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,154

Wait a minute.

00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,489

Is there somewhere in town

where I can get a good, clear

00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,700

shot--

or a view of Kathie Lee?

00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,661

Hmm, you know, I think the

book depository

00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,580

would be a good bet.

00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,207

I think the book depository

would be a good bet.

00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,586

Book depository, depository,

book depository, depository.

00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,462

Damn, he could be anywhere.

00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,423

I'll send out an APB.

00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,674

Wendy, look.

00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:39,095

And now, here to

present the award

00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:43,224

for the environmental essay to

our own Eric Kaufman...

00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,101

Cartman, God damn it.

00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:48,146

Is your favorite celebrity

and mine,

00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,649

Kathie Lee Gifford.

00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,943

[grunts]

00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,447

Thank you.

I love you all.

00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,532

Mr. Garrison, stop.

00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,075

Leave us.

00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,077

We must finish what

we have begun.

00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,079

I know that she's hurt you.

00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,497

She's hurt a lot of people.

00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,124

You can't know.

00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:10,501

You should've won

that talent show.

00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,296

It is with a great honor and

pride that I present

00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,173

the winner this trophy.

00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:17,258

Eric, would you please come

up here?

00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,887

Here it is, my big

moment of fame.

00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,514

And then she finished it

all by throwing her voice

00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,433

with two dummies at once.

00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,228

I know that, Mr. Garrison,

but this isn't the answer.

00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,814

It is too late for

me, young Wendy.

00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,277

You see, I've learned

something today.

00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,196

You can't win all the time.

00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,907

And if you don't win, you

certainly can't hold it against

00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:44,035

the person who did, because

that's the only way

00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,912

you ever really lose.

00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,331

You're...you're right.

00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,458

Good.

00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,419

Man, did she really throw her

voice with two dummies at once?

00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,046

The bitch must die.

00:20:57,548 --> 00:20:58,716

Ahh!

[gunshot]

00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:00,677

[mumbles indistinctly]

00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,141

Oh, my God.

They killed Kenny.

00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,102

You bastard.

00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:10,687

Gun!

- Gun!

00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,397

Hey, come back.

00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:13,982

We didn't even get to do

our play.

00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,817

all: Aww.

00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,568

I guess that's it, guys.

Wrap it up.

00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,737

Hey, wait a minute.

00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:21,698

When do I get to be on

television?

00:21:21,823 --> 00:21:23,032

Forget it, kid.

00:21:23,157 --> 00:21:24,742

No Kathie Lee, no

public interest.

00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:28,329

But I won the environmental

essay contest.

00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,957

You don't

deserve to win, Cartman,

00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,625

and you know it.

00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,378

I'm holding Cartman's

award-winning paper.

00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,797

It's actually nothing more

than "Walden"

00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,008

with Henry David Thoreau's

name crossed out

00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,468

and Cartman's

name written in its place.

00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:43,970

Who cares?

00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,763

Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's

gone.

00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:48,057

What about not holding

anything against

00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,350

the person who wins?

00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:51,894

Well, not if it's Cartman.

00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,397

Hey, where are you all going?

00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,108

They don't even know what

"Walden" is.

00:21:57,233 --> 00:22:01,029

I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom

you'd all know what it was.

00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,780

Come on, Wendy.

00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:04,198

Kyle's mom will make us

tuna fish sandwiches.

00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,700

Oh, what the hell.

00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,578

[sobbing] No, no.

00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:11,539

Now I'll be stuck in

this Podunk town forever

00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:14,834

with all these stupid, hick,

redneck, jobless,

00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:16,836

truck-driving idiots.

00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:19,464

Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.

00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:22,133

Thought you could get

away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?

00:22:22,258 --> 00:22:23,634

Well, I would have gotten

away with it

00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,470

if it weren't

for those meddling kids.

00:22:25,595 --> 00:22:27,388

You're lucky you missed

Kathie Lee Gifford

00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:29,932

and that nobody got hurt.

00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:34,520

We hope you can come

back to school real soon,

00:22:34,645 --> 00:22:36,356

Mr. Garrison.

00:22:36,481 --> 00:22:37,857

Well, children, I'd love to,

but the doctors say

00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,859

that Mr. Hat needs more

therapy.

00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,236

We can still get her.

00:22:42,362 --> 00:22:45,114

I'm just so sorry that I ruined

everyone's chances

00:22:45,239 --> 00:22:46,574

for being on TV.

00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:47,784

Not Cartman.

00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:49,285

He gets to be on TV anyway.

00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,037

Really? On what?

00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:55,124

Obesity, adiposity,

corpulence.

00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:58,252

Whatever word you use, it

represents one thing:

00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,171

being a big fat-ass.

00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,924

We have with us today live via

satellite Eric Cartman

00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,884

from South Park,

00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,304

who is now so obese, he can't

even get out of his house.

00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,598

When is this gonna be on the

air?

00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,976

Is there anything you'd like

to say to people out there?

00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,020

Follow your dreams.

00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:17,939

You can reach your goals.

00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,524

I'm living proof.

00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:21,692

Beefcake. Beefcake!

00:23:21,818 --> 00:23:24,195

He needs to run his ass

around the block a few times.

00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,490

Mmm, how about a little more

of that good loving, Chef?

00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,158

Damn, woman.

00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,035

I just gave you sweet

loving five minutes ago.

00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,912

You trying to kill me?